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whomst-art-thou-whomst-whomst · 3 years

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Texts from the Lost Tomb, part 5.2

Also yes this is a 5 part story arc, why do you ask, no I’m not “avoiding real life work”

Main Chat

Wang Pangzi: YOU KNOW THERE ARE THOSE WHO WOULD COMPLAIN ABOUT BEING DRAGGED OUT OF BED AT AN UNGODLY HOUR FOR THE SAKE OF SOME JEWELRY AND FORCED INTO AN ADVENTURE

Wu Xie: And we are just so grateful you are above all that.

Zhang Qiling: You were fully awake and insisted we pack and go as soon as possible in case there was, and I quote, “more weird shit happening we can cash in on.”

Wu Xie: I mean it’s kind of interesting that the Zhang family sent a car for us. We could have driven. So what is going on there, I wonder?

Wang Pangzi: YOU KNOW FOR A PARANOID AND CONNIVING LITTLE SHIT YOU STILL RADIATE OBLIVIOUS BAMBI ENERGY

HATE TO BE THE ADMIRAL ACKBAR HERE BUT ITS DEF A TRAP MY BOY

WHY DO U THINK WE ARE MESSAGING AND NOT TALKING DUMMY

WERE YOU IN A TOMB ON THE DAY THEY TAUGHT PPL STRANGER DANGER

BUT NO NO YOU WERE ALL “LETS GET IN THE VAN WITH THE FREE CANDY AND PUPPIES I BET WE’RE GOING TO THE CIRCUS”

THIS IS THE LAST STRAW IM LOJACKING YOU FOR REAL THIS TIME, SHOULDVE DONE THIS YEARS AGO

Zhang Qiling: I agree, in this particular case, with Pangzi. You should not have gotten in their vehicle while we were still inside the house. It forced us to follow you into the van to prevent separation, and they seemed to be expecting that. I don’t know whether Zhang Rishan intended this, but I don’t trust him.

Wu Xie: :( I got excited and didn’t think it through. I’m sorry.

Wang Pangzi: DONT YOU GIVE US THE BIG EYES WE ARE IMMUNE

MOSTLY

SPEAKING OF IMMUNE ITS REALLY FUCKIN COLD IN HERE AND UR STILL SICK, PUT YOUR JACKET ON STUPID

Wu Xie: oh relax, I’m fine. No fever at all today, remember? I feel a lot better, too.

Wang Pangzi: YOU LEAVE ME NO CHOICE BUT TO HAVE XIAO GE INTERVENE

Zhang Qiling: It is odd to say this, but Pangzi is right again. You are barely back on your feet and could easily get worse again. Wu Xie. Jacket. Now.

Wu Xie: Oh fine. Teaming up on me, I see. Happy now?

Wang Pangzi: FUCKING ECSTATIC. NOW BACK TO HOW WE MAY BE PULLING A LI CU

Wu Xie: If it is an abduction, it wouldn’t be them moving against the whole Wu family—not with Uncle Erbai in charge. Zhang Rishan strikes me as someone who doesn’t make a move unless he is sure of his plan, and this is all a bit last-minute to be a big shift. Besides, they let Xiao Ge keep his sword and we still have all our phones.

Wang Pangzi: TOOK AWAY MY EXPLOSIVES THO THE BASTARDS

Zhang Qiling: In fairness, you were waving them around and yelling that if they tried anything it was going to be “yippeekiyay motherfucker all up in this bitch.”

Wang Pangzi: IT SOUNDS LESS COOL COMING FROM YOU. I THINK I SEE THE TEAHOUSE?

Wu Xie: me too. That’s Zhang Rishan on the steps. This must be urgent. Everybody stay shiny.

Zhang Qiling: I will be getting out first. Wu Xie in the middle, Pangzi at the rear.

Wang Pangzi: AND WHAT A VIEW;)

An hour later…

Main Chat

Wu Xie: Is everyone okay? I tried knocking but nothing is getting through, these are some solid walls.

Wu Xie: guys???

Wang Pangzi: OOPS PHONE WAS ON SILENT AND I WAS BUSY YELLING AT THE CEILING

IM PRESENT AND PISSED OFF

Zhang Qiling: Apologies, I was trying to break down the door.

Wang Pangzi: SO THIS MAY NOT BE THE TIME TO SAY I TOLD YOU SO BUT WHILE WE’RE HERE

Wu Xie: fuck Pangzi, I know, okay??

I’m an idiot, I’m so fucking stupid. It’s not like it’s the first or fiftieth time I’ve put you two in danger, either.

Wang Pangzi: HEY HEY WHOA NOW

STOP SAYING RUDE SHIT ABOUT MY FRIEND

ITS GONNA BE OKAY

DESPITE KNOWING THIS WAS A BAD IDEA I STILL COULDNT PREDICT HOW MUCH CHAOTIC LUCK THIS FAMILY HAS

DAMN IT I HATE WHEN HEI XIAZI IS RIGHT ABOUT THINGS

Zhang Qiling: I’m sorry. This is my fault. My line has a ruthlessly pragmatic streak and they’ve clearly wanted to test us separately to see why the necklace reacted to our arrival like that. It does not excuse Zhang Rishan trapping us in these separate rooms.

Wang Pangzi: UHH BITCH I SAID THIS FAMILY NOT YOUR FAMILY

THIS AINT ABOUT THEM

YOUR FAMILY IS ON MY SHIT LIST EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY

THIS FAMILY MEANT US OBVS

UGH ANY SIGN OF THE BASTARDS?

Zhang Qiling: no. Wu Xie?

Zhang Qiling: Wu Xie, answer me.

Wang Pangzi: WU XIE

TIANZHEN

PICK UP YOUR FUCKING PHONE DAMNIT YOU'RE SCARING XIAOGE

Zhang Qiling: I’m going to try breaking down the door again.

Wu Xie: Hello, Wang Pangzi and Zhang Qiling. My apologies for the rather inhospitable circumstances, but this seemed expedient considering the unknown qualities of the necklace. I could not be sure who was causing what, or what could happen next, and thus have temporarily set you in separate rooms for the sake of everyone’s safety.

Wang Pangzi: WTF GIVE HIM BACK HIS FUCKIN PHONE ZHANG RISHAN I KNOW ITS YOU YOU PRETENTIOUS ANTIQUE

WE DESTROYED THIS PLACE BEFORE AND WE CAN DO IT AGAIN

Zhang Qiling: Your concerns for everyone’s safety are noted. Thank you for whatever you believe you’ve done right here.

Now. If you release us immediately and return Wu Xie to us, we will consider leaving without direct personal retribution.

Wang Pangzi: WHAT HE SAID AND ALSO YOU SUCK

Wu Xie: I regret that this has happened, I hope to make it up to you in the future. For the purpose of today’s needs, however—I will have my men escort the two of you out if you so desire, but unfortunately Wu Xie will need to stay until we have finished examining him.

Wang Pangzi: EXAMINING??? YOU FUCKING PERV HANDS OFF HE MAY BE THE BELLE OF THE BALL BUT HIS DANCE CARD IS SPOKEN FOR

I SWEAR I DID NOT GO THROUGH TEN YEARS OF THIS STARCROSSED CLUSTERFUCK FOR YOU TO SWOOP IN AND STEAL MY FRIENDS BF

Wu Xie: There is no call for rudeness. He will not be harmed. The artifact was responding to him directly. It has not lit up like this in over 200 years, and I need to understand why it is responding, and responding to someone who is not our kin, which it has never done before. This could have implications for everyone in my family if it could protect someone at the right moment.

Wang Pangzi: OKAY BUT CONSIDERING OUR TRACK RECORD IN THIS BUILDING AND THE SITUATION AT HAND Y’ALL ARE ABOUT TO NEED PROTECTION

Wu Xie: The testing would be going better if Wu Xie wasn’t worrying himself unnecessarily over where you both are, it’s making our readings difficult.

Wang Pangzi: OH GEE SO SORRY YOUR KIDNAPPING VICTIMS ARENT THRILLED TO BE HERE TO SAMPLE YOUR CREEPY JEWELRY BOX BUT THAT SOUNDS LIKE A YOU PROBLEM

Zhang Qiling: Zhang Rishan. I appreciate that you must think of our family first in your decisions. As must I. I hope you can appreciate what that means for decisions I make.

Wang Pangzi: HEHEHE SO TRUE BESTIE

YOU PISSED OFF THE WRONG GOTH TODAY BUDDY BOY

Zhang Qiling: A compromise: we stay with him as you run your tests. That will calm him and assuage Pangzi’s concerns and prevent me from…testing the limits of your lifespan.

Wu Xie: I accept that this may temporarily impact our relations, but am hopeful that you will come to understand that sometimes I need to make certain choices for this family that are…difficult. I will come to let you—One moment. Something seems to be happening.

Babysitters Club Chat

Wang Pangzi: OH SO WE ARE GONNA JUST POLITELY SIT WITH WU XIE AS STRANGERS POKE HIM WITH NEEDLES ARE WE HUH WELL LOOK WHOS BEING A HELPFUL LITTLE LAB ASSISTANT

Zhang Qiling: I’m attempting to convince him to let us out. Of course we will not simply sit there. Some lying to gain trust is necessary here.

Wang Pangzi: UR BEIN A SHADY BITCH XIAOGE AND ITS HOT

THATS WHY YOUR TATTOO IS SO BIG ITS FULL OF SECRETS

ALWAYS KNEW YOU HAD IT IN YOU TO—WAIT WHAT WAS THAT SOUND??

At the same time…

Bonnie and Clyde Chat

Xie Yuchen: …so, this is not what I expected to find.

Hei Yangjing: yeah kiddo is a bit freaked out:/ this sucks. I mean I get that they are concerned blah blah blah necklace goes brightbright but maybe we should go find the other two

or at least find a way to let Wu Xie know we are here, that room he’s in looks like a dungeon and not in a good way

Xie Yuchen: Does it look like I’m able to do anything right now? Also, I’m fairly certain they won’t be harmed. Zhang Rishan may be callous, but he isn’t stupid.

Hei Yangjing: r u kidding

he split up Romeo and Juliet, then left Romeo with a sword—seems pretty stupid to me

Xie Yuchen: Yeah I’m not going near that. He made his bed with that choice. What can you see? These Neanderthal guards are blocking my view.

Hei Yangjing: uh so there’s like a lab table situation

Wu Xie isn’t tied up, a good sign in this context

I can’t see what those people are holding, they’re talking a lot and some asshole just grabbed Wu Xie’s arm, looks like maybe they are putting in an IV?

The necklace is—oh. Oh shit.

#whomst #ultimate note #wu xie #dmbj #the lost tomb #pingxie #iron triangle #dmemebj

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doorbloggr · 3 years

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Saturday 22/5/21 - Learning When it is OK to Drop a Series

The way I consume shows and books makes it difficult to keep a constant schedule of entertainment. I am very guilty of binge watching/reading, when I start a series, I will watch up to ten episodes in one sitting well after midnight. Then i sit around for weeks at a time putting off starting the next thing, knowing it too will take all my attention for a few days.

Unfortunately this binge behaviour means that I have often been a poor judge of character when it comes to whether I should finish something. Hey I'm already 10 episodes into this show, might as well watch all 24 episodes. And that has meant I've got a number of series on my Finished Anime List that I sort of feel wasted my time.

Higurashi is moe-horror, a very specific flavour of anime/manga where the characters and themes are cute on the surface but there is abuse, murder and monstrosities when you get even skin deep.

The true catalyst for this epiphany was an anime called Higurashi: When they Cry NEW. I followed up on it after a streamer I watch said the original series was one of their favourite anime. The show is a psychological and physical horror, and as I've discussed in previous blog posts, my domain is usually Slice of Life, so... a far cry from my comfort zone. I told the two friends I get anime reccomendations from that I was watching it and their reaction was very telling of signs I shouldve read.

The friend who suggests me Slice of Life and Isekai/Fantasy anime told me that he would never touch an anime like Higurashi with a ten foot pole. The friend who suggests me Fan Service and Horror anime told me that she tried to watch Higurashi but thought it was pretty dumb and hard to watch.

I continued to watch the show, I was 8 episodes in, and wanted to see if it got better. At 17 episodes, I was questioning again whether I should drop it, but I was almost done, so why not just finish? I regretted that.

This post is not a recommendation against Higurashu by the way, but my opinion is, if you're ok with very visceral gore horror, heavy themes of abuse, and looping stories that only get scarier with each retelling... hey, Higurashi could be for you, but in hindsight, it wasn't for me.

After I finished Higurashi, I caught up on Log Horizon, an anime I am very familiar with and enjoyed a lot.

After watching Higurashi I vowed to myself to only search out anime I know I'll be interested in, or take on suggestions from my friends who know what I like. Since Higurashi I haven't chosen to drop any series, but I also have only watched one Isekai and three Slice of Life's since then, and I thoroughly enjoyed all start to finish. But to safeguard myself against future bad binges, I'm gonna end this post with some advice to myself, and others, on how to ensure your media consumption is enjoyable.

1. Keep records and check for patterns

On my phone I have a Notes file detailing all the anime I've finished. I mostly do this because I have an obsession with documenting my habits and looking back, but it also helps as a way to reflect on what type on anime I have enjoyed in the past.

If you have a record of what you have watched, you can look over the list and find trends. Then you choose new series that have a lot in common with your faves.

I have enjoyed many romance anime, and the one mecha anime I've seen, Guren Lagann, I enjoyed a lot. So when heard that Darling in the Franxx was a mecha anime with romance, I was veryyy interested.

2. Swap stories with friends

On the list I discussed above, about 80% of the anime I've watched were recommendations from friends. It's like a learning AI, but with real people. Friends give you a bunch of anime to watch and you tell them which ones you enjoyed. Then they can get back to you with anime they think you'd enjoy based on past preferences.

Ben-to was an anime I recently watched because a friend told me it's just the type of show I'd enjoy.

My friends have gotten really good at recommending me anime that I enjoy because I've told them when I'm watching a new show and whether I like it or not. Because of my long dry spells, I dont watch a tonne, but I also give my own recommendations back and they've enjoyed my suggestions.

3. Unsure? Four episodes

Ages ago, I was watching a podcast run by 3 streamers called LewdCast and they had a segment where they had an anime bookclub; basically they'd come to each podcast having watched an anime and discuss whether they liked it or not. But having to watch an entire series per week not knowing whether you'd like it is exhausting. So their rule was to watch the first four episodes.

Food Wars was actually a recommendation from LewdCast that I was very hooked into by Episode 4, so I watched the entire series and it is still my fave anime this year.

Episodes 1 and 2 are usually world building and introduction of themes and characters. So dismissing an anime after the first episode isn't giving it a proper chance. But after 4 episodes, the themes have been established, you're introduced to core characters, and you've been given a glimpse of what the flow or hook of the show is. You're at least partway into an arc and you understand how the show will operate overall.

Some people will tell you, "Oh this show is a slow burn, but it gets really good deep into the first season", but the truth is, if you're hating it or not hooked after 4 episodes, it's probably not worth it. If a friend I know tells me, "trust me, you'll enjoy this", then I will probably stick with a show I'm on the fence with more then 4 episodes. But if you sought out a show on your own and you don't know if you'd like it, give it four episodes. If you don't wanna finish it after that, drop it.

#blog #blogpost #anime #manga #higurashi

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shcherbatskya · 3 years

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chapter two is out here! or read below the cut!

Dean turned the key to unlock the door. they all stepped inside, still in their moment of Revelation. the silence was eventually broken by jack saying, “why’s it empty?”

“It’s ‘cause our furniture isn’t here yet,” Cas explained. Dean tacked on that it would be arriving sometime today. In the meantime, before the stuff arrived, Dean took the time to explain what exactly this endeavor meant for everyone. He had applied online for a mechanic job the week prior, they had only gotten back to him to tell him he got the job the day before. Dean was still reeling from everything happening so fast. it’s like everything hed wanted for so many years was finally coming to fruition, and it was an adjustment.

Cas had signed both Jack and Claire up for school. Jack was going into first grade and Claire into her senior year of high school. Obviously, Claire was older than that, but she could pass as younger just for a little while, while everything was sorted out. Plus she could gather valuable intel that way. The hard part would be getting her to agree to this plan. Jack, on the other hand, was completely thrilled about starting school. He couldn’t wait to be able to have friends his own age. Cas didn’t have much to do throughout the day, but with the other stay-at-home parents in the neighborhood, he was sure he could find some way to help out.

Snapping out of his daydream, Dean took the time to explain how everything would go in the next month or so. “I got a job at the repair shop down the road, Cas will stay here and look after everything, Jack will go to school like we planned, and Claire, we sort of set you up in school again.”

“Wow, you guys are really on a kick of making life decisions without asking me arent you!”

“Claire, it was the best option at the time, we needed the intel from kids that age, and its not like Dean or I could just walk in and ask,” Cas explained.

There was no doubt about it, she reacted as expected. Even though shed only been out of school for a year or so, she’d never enjoyed it when she was involved, so the thought of going back made her sick to her stomach. Since there was really no where to stomp off too, as the entire house was empty, she settled for sitting on the floor behind the kitchen island to process. Some ten minutes later Dean came and sat down on the floor next to her.

“Look, I get it. Nothing can be perfect for us, but sometimes you just gotta tough it out and it’ll be better than you think.”

☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆☾

(This is a flashback to the action point just so everyone knows whats happening)

It was a normal Tuesday evening. The couple was eating dinner just as normal. Quiet conversation, and unspoken glances were commonplace for them, so the feeling over eerie silence was nothing new, and neither thought anything of it. They didn’t even hear the sound of the door open. Did the door even open?

The husband reached across the table for the salt, his wife screamed in horror when she caught sight of the tall hooded figure above him. The town was small and she shouldve known who it was at first sight, but unfortunately, when youre about to be stabbed, those things dont come as easy. She reached across the table for her phone to call 911, but she didnt make it before the figure had stabbed her husband and was moving on to her. Those were the last thoughts she had before being found in a pool of her own blood the next morning.

The neighbor had heard them and called the cops. News spread like the blight, and everyone was taken in for questioning, so far, no motive or prime suspects had been declared. It had been a month since, and the police presence was now slim to none, even though almost no progress had been made into the actual investigation. That’s just how it is when you have to solve a murer case with nothing to go on but a dead couple and a town of suburbanites.

☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆☾

(this is bak in normal time just fyi)

After about half an hour of just trying to process what was happening, Claire was ready to go back to join the rest of her family in putting their furniture together. Cas was sitting on the floor in front of what looked like it could be a table, if you positioned it correctly.

“You need some help?” She asked.

“Yes, if it isnt too much to ask, I could use an extra hand,” he gestured to the manual, “it says you need two people here anyway.”

Claire sat down next to cas and took the manual from his hands, “what step are you even on? None of the pictures look like whatever you’ve managed to create.”

Upstairs, Dean was trying to show Jack how to use an impact driver, “look, I know youre only like what? Five? But its never too early to learn how to use a set of tools.” He handed the tool over to Jack, it looked wildly disproportionate in his hands but that’s not what mattered, what mattered was the fact that he was having a bonding moment with his son, a positive one too. He was bridging the gap of what he missed in his childhood, and giving Jack what he had wanted.

☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆☾

The next day was spent almost exclusively on introductions. First they went over and greeted their new neighbors on each side, Tracey and Paul Wayne on their right, and Peter and Vicky David on their left. It seemed to them that neither of them had much of a clue as to what was going on regarding the murder, seeing as that was not mentioned even in passing. However it could be basic politeness and not wanting to scare your new neighbors away. Both couples were in their mid-fiftes and greeted them kindly. The Waynes had a wooden statue of an eagle with some pro-America quote on it, and that was one of the most memorable things about them. The other memorable thing was their brigh red Volkswagon Beetle in the driveway. Dean silently noted a love of older cars as something to connect over in case he ever needed to get closer to them. The Davids had 6 small dogs, and that was their defining trait, they seemed like the people to have “I love my shitzu” stickers plastered all over their car, but they seemed like fine enough people.

The next thing on the agenda was when someone rang their doorbell. It was a woman about their age, who had come to their door both to introduce herself, and to inform them of a house party happening later that night. The woman introduced herself as Hester Stewart from two houses down. Both Dean and Cas were glad to see that there was someone their age who didn’t have a strange amount of pets, or questionable taste in outdoor decor. They made introductions of their own, Claire and Jack even briefly appeared to say hello. They asked her for more information about the party, and she explained that it was being put on by the HOA president to distract from all that was happening, “I guess she figured one shindig would make everyone forget about the murder that happened a few houses down from her house.” She gestured down the road and to the right, apparently in the direction of the woman’s house, “Also she did ask me to invite you, I’m not just asking you to show up without anyone’s permission,” she clarified.

After that they thanked her and went on with their day. “Do you think we should attend the party later today?” Cas asked. Not looking up from the loveseat he was putting together

“I think I was planning on it, it’d be a good way to get out and meet people, not to mention gather details on what’s happening around here without looking suspicious,” Dean replied, flipping the page in the manual.

Cas agreed. Usually events like this weren’t his thing, but he could suck it up for an hour or two if it meant gathering intel. He made a mental note to prepare for more events like this one, and pushed it to the back of his mind. He found himself having to do that more often since becoming human. His angel brain could process more information than any human by hundreds, but downsizing the amount of space in his brain was an adjustment, and he found himself having to push things of the back of his mind more often.

Claire had been eavesdropping from the top of the staircase for the past exchange. Truth be told, she was almost excited to ‘meet the new neighbors’ in such a domestic fashion. She had just gotten off the phone with Kaia, she was showing her the layout of the house, as well as updating her on the situation she had gotten herself into. “They really put you back in high school?” Kaia had asked, thinking about how if anyone had done that to her, she’d’ve put up a lot more of a fight.

“They really put me back in high school,” she had replied. Maybe deep down she did want to sort of have the closure she missed in her high school years. She missed Kaia a large amount for only not seeing her face to face for a little less than a week, but she had learned from all she’d lost, that she just had to let herself feel her feelings.

They all gathered in the empty living room shortly after. Cas explained the whole plan to Jack and her. Jack was thrilled to be getting out of the house, and getting to see new people. He’d always been a social person, even before becoming a child, but that certainly amplified his social need. This was part of the reason Dean and Cas wanted to get out of the bunker in the first place. Now that they were actually in a position for him to make friends his age, they were certainly going to make that a priority. Dean had noticed that there were more than a few kids Jack’s age in his walk around the neighborhood earlier that day.

The hours before the gathering came faster than expected. Everyone was in a rush to change into nicer clothes and make themselves not look like they’d been putting together furniture all day. (they had, but it was the act of making themselves presentable that matters in this case.) After all, weren’t first impressions the most important? Dean hadn’t really taken account the need for nice clothes this early on in his endevour, so the nicest things he had were a button down and his spare pair of jeans. Not that anyone else was much better off. Claire was wearing a skirt with a jean jacket and combat boots, Jack didn’t change at all seeing as he didn’t see the need, and who were they to argue. Cas was probably the most normal looking of them all, with his blue suit jacket paired with some jeans.

#pspspsps you want to reblog my fic #dean winchester #castiel #claire novak #spn fanfiction #spn #supernatural #jack kline

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caddy-crystal-queen · 4 years

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Because humanity decides to be fucking stupid I need to return to the wonderful world of a fandom I am beginning to consider myself no longer a part of...fun.

Hello game of thrones fandom, apparently I need to come back to you because I am once again getting swamped with bs that I really shouldnt care about but is becoming almost impossible to ignore.

First off why are you all still dwelling on this bullshit? The show is over, and the next book probably wont be out for another twenty years or so (insert eye roll). I think it's time for everyone to move the hell on. There are more important things to be angry about in the world right now. Are all you bastards so bored, or so lifeless that you have to dwell on a fictional show that no longer means anything?

Second: I've been particularly hit with posts that basically pin Sansa fans against Dany fans. I am so fucking sick of seeing these goddamn posts saying that if you like Sansa you're every kind of -ist and-phobia there is. Theres seriously no middle ground with these people and I dont get it. I dont agree with how Sansa was written in the final season along with the other characters, but liking a character doesnt make you racist. It's getting to be bullshit and I'm beginning to feel awful for people who like both dany and Sansa for different reasons. I will admit, I was a total dany stan and for a short while I hated Sansa for how she was in the final season. But i realized my anger shouldnt be going to the characters, their actors, or their fans. The characters arent real. The actors were only doing their jobs. And fans just have this weird ass pack mentality that I'm beginning to think is incredibly harmful. My anger lies squarely with the writers, DB Weiss and David Benioff. Which brings me to my next point.

Third: I'm actually beginning to feel sorry for these two. Yeah, an unpopular here, but news flash: YOUR GENDER AND/OR RACE DOES NOT IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM CORRELATE WITH YOUR WRITING ABILITY!!!!!!

Stop calling them racist/sexist because they're two white guys who made terrible writing decisions. I know some of you especially point to the death of missandei as proof of their racism/sexism. Yeah, I can see why it could be interpreted this way, and to a degree it's even agreeable. But I also know that this is also a very toxic way of thinking. It leads to very toxic thinking. I've seriously seen entire posts about how white men cant write women or people of color correctly because of these two. Well...what the fuck is correctly? Are we seriously about to condemn every white male author just because of the terrible writing decisions they made regarding their characters of color? What about white women who write colored characters, because I'm a white woman writing a book in which the main character is a black man and if this is how I'm going to be received, then that's bullshit. I refuse to be condemned because of the actions of two guys who seriously need to work on their writing. Hindsight is a bitch, and they shouldve known that killing missandei off in the way that they did wouldve led to terrible consequences. Theres no excuse for it, but theres no need to condemn them forever and a day for it because a year has just about gone by since the ending of GoT and nothing has changed, and I dont think it's going to matter ten years down the road either when a potential remake of the show could be on the table because hollywood is now out of ideas. On to my next point.

Fourth: these characters are not toys. They're characters. They exist, or maybe its existed because the shows over yet the books arent, to tell a story and literally nothing else. They don't exist to push an agenda. They dont exist for you to fight over them and make ridiculous and unfounded claims about others you may not like. And yet what am I, someone who isolates herself from the fandom specifically because of this toxic nonsense, seeing? Supposed fans bickering, arguing, and bitching at one another, pitting these fictional characters against one another like toys on a playground being controlled by entitled, spoiled children who dont fucking appreciate them. You can love more than one character for more than one reason. Like people, these characters are flawed, and you, you spoiled brats, need to accept that. Liking sansa doesnt make you racist, and shitting on dany just because shes dany makes you look like an asshole. You dont have to like the same characters, but you sure as hell have no right to call someone horrible things just because they like a character you cant stand. Let people love the characters they love and dislike the characters they dislike. Neither of these concepts require justification from either side of the fence, since liking a character is a matter of preference and is highly subjective.

Finally: just fucking let people enjoy things. Like seriously, the world is going to hell in a handbasket bad enough. People deserve to like what they like without being labeled something they arent. I happen to love both Dany and Sansa, and I really wish they had been written better and gotten along. But I've also long since accepted that wasnt what happened and moved on. If someone doesnt like dany but likes Sansa, fine. Let them. If someone likes Dany and doesnt like Sansa, that's fine too. They dont need to justify why they like one and not the other to you, and you as an individual have no right to cast judgement on someone just because they like a character you personally find problematic. If you have nothing nice to say then just dont say anything at all. Or better yet, compliment them on something else. The world just needs more accepting and open minded/hearted individuals.

Be kind. Be compassionate. And for fucks sake, just be respectful of peoples likes and dislikes.

#caddy rants #game of thrones #fandom #fandom rant #tw: racism #stop the drama #respect people #respect opinions #stop being assholes #likes #dislikes #unpopular opinion #sansa #dany #i love both #deal with it #sansa stark #daenerys targaryen #fandom wars

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wildtorres-a · 4 years

Text

𝐛𝐥𝐚𝐦𝐞 𝐢𝐭 𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐚𝐥𝐜𝐨𝐡𝐨𝐥.

WHAT? — after a night of their usual antics, drew and lia wake up in bed together.

WHEN? — saturday night, march 21st.

TRIGGERS? — very long smut, alcohol mentions + use, drug mentions + use.

FEATURING — lia rosenburg ( @rosenburg-lia )

A deep sigh left Amelias mouth as she settled herself opposite Drew in the jaccuzi, she was grateful for the connection she had with the boy. If she had a chaotic plan she knew that he was the best person to call, almost never saying no to whatever crazy idea she had planned. "Today has been interesting, Im glad men are simple creatures and are still attracted to boobs," She joked as she took a hit of her blunt, her head tilting slightly as her eyes trained on Drews, "Im glad we did this, a sort of escape in a way," She spoke with a small shrug as a smirk tugged to her lips, "Plus the room is not bad, the bed looks like a cloud. Im proud of you Torres," a quick wink sent his way with a laugh.

it'd been a long day, even longer when the brunette teen thought back on the fight he had with his step mother that morning. there was the frequent disappointment, threats to take away all social devices and temporary isolation other than school that would turn permanent if he didn’t get his act together and begin focusing on the right things, and the mention of ‘stupidity’ that left a bitter taste in his mouth along with a clenched jaw. it ended with her leaving his room and beginning to get ready for second shift, when drew grabbed his keys and made his way right out of the house, slamming the door despite her protests. which of course, leads him to where he is now. sitting back against the jets, as he lays his head upwards on the edge of the jacuzzi, puffing out smoke from his last inhale, the drug already taking it’s effect as lia sits across from him. it’d been a mere ten minutes ago when the last family, a mother and her two sons, had left the pool room leaving the two miscreant teenagers to their own devices. which of course was when the drugs and alcohol had been brought out, thankfully the two wouldn’t have to worry about anyone interrupting them, having already given the receptionist an extra $50 to let them stay after hours. drew almost thought it wouldn’t work, this being one of the more prestigious hotels in the city, but you’d be surprised what you could get at the right price. he grabs the bottle of ciroc, takes a swig, before placing the bottle back on the cement. chuckles at her words, “i doubt there will come a day where men will not be attracted to those” his eyes linger on the subject of the matter for only a second, before they shift back onto her gaze. he’s playing with fire and he knows it, but is sure she’ll chalk it up to their usual banter. “i’m more than glad, i couldn’t be in a better state of mind than i am right now,” he offers, with a smile. glad that lia had taken him up on his offer to get into something entertaining.

it’s the first time in a while he'd heard anybody say anything along the lines of being proud of him, even if it's being said in a joking manner. he feels almost pathetic for basking in the feeling more than he should. more than what’s necessary. ”hey, i should be thanking you, i couldn’t have done it without you,” he praises with a sly smirk. doesn’t feel the guilt from pickpocketing the man a few hours earlier, doesn’t think he'd miss the $300 that much, given his expensive looking suit and polished dress shoes to match. sticks his hand out for the blunt as he passes her the bottle , ”plus i heard this place has good ass breakfast, if we’re even up in time for it” doesn’t admit that he wishes the night could never end, not wanting to think of the repercussions of his actions when they wake up in the morning. ”wanna make things more interesting?“ he asks, the dim lighting giving her a glow, as he looks her over.

The way their family treated them was something that bonded the two almost from the jump. Being held to a higher standard than was necessary and fighting back even if not on purpose. Her parents expecting more out of her given her older sisters life, but she wasnt right in their eyes. It seemed like no matter how much she took the time to mold herself into the image they had of her, it wasnt working. They would find something new to hone in on and make her change. Eventually just learning to love herself and the person she was. And she had been like that for a while now, but to most it seemed he had just randomly changed in a way. But Lia knew this side of Drew for most of the time they had been in eachothers lives, it wasnt a shock to see him acting the way he was and the things he was doing. She had grown to enjoy this side, they got into plenty of trouble over the years because of it. Something about their energy coming together, maybe it was sharing a birthday, or maybe there was something else, but it was always somehow chaotic. Tonight was a prime example of them scheming purely for a good time. She wasnt one to shy away from using her body to get what she wanted, nor flirting with older men for money. But when Drew suggested the plan she couldnt help the devious smirk that had tugged to her lips. A very similar one to the smirk that was on her face as she watched Drews gaze fall, a wink sent his way when their gazes met, "They come in quite handy at times, so I hope they dont," She chuckled lightly as she leaned her elbows back on the cement behind her, taking a drag off the blunt one more time. His smile being returned as she exhaled. "Well we cant have a sad Torres, then no one has any fun," She spoke with a teasing pout as she passed him the blunt, taking the bottle off his hands, immediately pressing the opening to her mouth and tilting her head back.

"I do have quite the way with men dont I," she spoke with a small shrug, a laugh bubbling out as she relaxed back into her place, slightly closer to Drew so it was easier for them to pass back and forth. "But thats why we're partners in this, couldnt do half of my crazy antics without you D," She chuckled lightly, thinking on the countless stupid shit the two had gotten into together. Petty theft was one of the more minor on the list, well at least to her. Others would think they were crazy if they only knew. Her grin widened as her eyes lit up at the thought of breakfast, "That sounds amazing right now," A small moan falling from her as she thought about the food, "We shouldve brought munchies out," A small pout falling to her lips before a smirk took its place, an eyebrow raise sent towards the boy, "what have you concocted in that pretty little head of yours?" Her eyes finding his as she they traced his face.

perhaps it's the liquor. maybe the weed. he’s not entirely sure, but his eyes can’t help scan over her body clad in the tight baby blue bikini. he’s always found lia attractive, as well as any guy that's ever come across her he supposes, with an enthralling personality to match. but he knows there’s a limit to how far they can go, even if he is tempted to go over and beyond the unspoken boundaries as they sit half naked in the otherwise vacant pool room. he lets the jets calm him, listens to the sound the water makes as it laps up against the edges, hoping it takes the thoughts away. he takes the blunt from her hand, pressing it to his lips, and inhaling it. he blows the air out a good ten seconds later, eyes on her as she talks. “i’d say you definitely have them wrapped around your finger,” he smirks, as she comes closer to him. “not that i can blame them, you’re beautiful” he leaves it at that, as he gives her a cheshire smile. “you know, you’re the only one i don't feel like a total idiot around” and now he knows the alcohol is talking, but he can’t find himself to disagree with the words. ”i think i seen a little store up by the reception desk, we can get some when we get out of here” he offers, finding her pout to be cute. he takes another hit of the blunt, inhales it, holds it in before he leans over and gently grabs lia by the shoulders, leans in until their lips are only centimeters apart, and blows the smoke into her mouth. “i’ve always wanted to do that,” he confesses when it’s over, lingering there only for a moment before pulling back, but not fully moving away. “twenty one questions, if you’re up for it,” he answers, “only if you don’t answer a question, you take a shot” he shrugs, doubting that any shots will be taken between them and their daring personalities.

She always felt a rush when she was around Drew, something about his demeanor just had her fixated at times. He was a good looking guy, one of the best in the school, there was no denying. His personality making him all that more intoxicating to the girls around the halls. But due to the history he had with a certain person in her life there were limits. Granted she may have put them on the friendship, out of respect, but there was something about the atmosphere. Maybe it was the feeling of the jets against her skin, or the way his eyes raked against her, but she felt something shift. Finding herself watching the way Drew hit the blunt, admiring the way his lips looked as he exhaled. Her eyes clouding over slightly with more than just alcohol and marijuana. "Its a talent of mine," She spoke, arching a perfectly done brow, "Only beautiful?" She spoke her tone laced with something more than just their usual banter. "Its because we thrive off chaos, especially when we're together," She chuckled lightly, gasping lightly as she felt Drews hands pull her in. Her eyes meeting his as she inhaled the smoke, exhaling as a small smirk pulled at her lips. "Shouldve done it sooner," She spoke, her mouth working faster than her brain in her crossfaded state. "Im up for anything, you know that," She chuckled, "Although Id much rather just take shots for fun," A small shrug, "Ask away cutie," She spoke leaning her elbow on the side of the jacuzzi, resting her head on her palm as she looked at him with an almost believable innocent look on her face

there’s a chuckle that leaves moist lips at her comment, as his eyes meet hers, “and gorgeous, and sexy” he eyes her lips right after the word’s said. he knows it's wrong, to be mindlessly flirting with his ex girlfriend’s cousin, the same girl he considered his first love, but nothing in the moment feels wrong about it. “but i’m sure you have enough guys and girls telling you that” he smirks. listens to her speak, and is grateful to have her around, even if it just amid the chaos. he hears her comment, doesn’t give a response. knows it’s not necessary. they’ve crossed the line tonight. it’s in their stares, longing and want, and now that it’s here, he wonders how long they’ve been holding it in. how long they’ve been secretly waiting for the other to slip up and make a move. a wrong move, but a move nonetheless. and he does know that. knows that she’s down for the ride anytime, and is happy to accompany him, bad decisions and all. they’re probably bad for each other, no voice of reason to guide the other, but it doesn’t stop the brunette male from inching closer to her, tone no higher than a whisper. “how long have you wanted to kiss me?” and now, he knows there’s no going back.

Lia couldnt help bringing her bottom lip in between her teeth a Drews words, something about his tone telling her everything changed. "I may have been once or twice, but it sounds so nice coming from your mouth," somewhere in the back of her mind a voice was telling her to stop while she still could. that he was off limits because of her cousin, who would never forgive her. but she knew there had always been more to their relationship than the mindless flirting, she had thought about it once or twice. in more detail than she would care to admit to anyone. but finding herself in this moment she knew she was in for it. that there was no going back after today, they had to be on the same page. she knows she can trust drew with her life if she needed to. If at any time she wants to have an adventure she knew she could text him and hed be at her door asap. but as she found herself instinctively moving closer to the male, their gazes unwavering, she knew that it was the final straw. her hand finding itself on his thigh under the water as she moved closer, her lips brushing his as she spoke, "Months," She spoke, breaking the final wall and placing her lips on his

the lights are dim, the pool room door is locked, no distractions, no disturbances. he’s not thinking straight, he’s not thinking of anything else but how good he wants to make her feel. wants to hear how she sounds when she comes undone. the blunt is set to the side, ashed on the cement right next to the bottle of ciroc. forgotten. “i can think of better things i can do with my mouth,” he states in a playful tone with a wink, although they both know what’s to come. the forbidden aspect of their actions making this all the more interesting. and maybe for one fleeting moment he feels bad, but he can’t help himself from wanting to reach out and feel her smooth skin. and he knows the temptation is too strong, even if it comes with consequences. he lets her start things off, lets her be in control, until he can’t hold back anymore. their lips meet in a heated kiss, and he can feel just how bad they both wanted this. it’s urgent, needy, and mind blowing all in one. his tongue jutting out atop her bottom lip for permission, as he slips his fingers into her hair. and there’s an obvious taste of weed mixed with the ciroc, but there’s also a hint of mint once you got past the others. he moves his hands down to her hips, before settling on her lower backside, and scooping her into his arms. he holds her in place under her thighs, legs wrapped around him. he feels the effect she has on him, and wonder if she does too. starts making his way to the edge of the jacuzzi, and once he sets her down on top of the cement, he wastes no time placing his lips on her neck, giving soft pecks, until he licks around, trying to find a spot that’ll make her weak in the knees.

"I cant wait for you to show me," She spoke, a captivating tone lacing her words. she knew where they were going, not wanting to bounce around the subject. she felt every bit of his statement through her body, having thought about this moment a few times in the past. having ultimately deciding he was off limits and better as a friend. she watched him with hooded eyes, her eyes darkening to almost black as she looked at him.she hesitated for a brief moment before she had decided to give in, she would let him have her in that moment. in anyway he wanted, she was entirely his. her mind not caring about the consequences, her body craving his touch over every inch of her skin. a small squeal coming from her throat allowing herself to be pulled from her spot, her legs wrapping around his waist tightly. A light moan came from her lips as she felt just how much he wanted this, her heart pumping in excitement, as she felt a rush to her core. her arms resting around the base of his neck, fingers pulling ever so slightly. she could taste the green apple flavor almost immediately, getting a hint of the weed in the aftertaste, something within it becoming addicting to her within the brief period their lips were locked. she felt herself get placed on the cement, shifting ever so slightly, as she tilted her neck, her eyes fluttering closed as small moans fell from her lips.

he doesn’t want to think about how they’ll feel about it in the morning, wants to bask in this moment. their lust filled gazes burning into the other, touch starved, and filled with need that only the other can supply. maybe they can pin it on the alcohol, many have before, and they wouldn't be the last to make impulsive moves with the liquid in their system. he's brick hard, can feel the length against his right thigh, the discomfort it's making in his swim trunks, but isn’t focused on it. wants to make her feel good, like no other can. the moans emitting from her mouth is music to his ears. he starts to suck on her neck, switching ever so often to strokes of his tongue, and then back to sucking, leaving a few marks she’d have to hide the next few days. he pulls away, gives her a peck on the lips again, as he holds her face in both of his hands, admiring her. “you’re beautiful baby, and i’m gonna make you feel so good” he keeps his word, as he kisses down to her chest. he grabs at the bikini top, in too much of a rush to untie the pretty blue fabric, he slips it up and over her breasts. gives the right nipple a peck, and watching it harden, before flicking it with his tongue a few times, and taking it into his mouth. he then moves on to the left one, and repeats. once he feels she’s satisfied enough, he begins kissing down her tone stomach. slowly, teasing her with a smirk playing at his lips. he kisses her just below the belly button. then places his arms under her, wrapping around her thighs, pulling her closer to him and holding them open, leaving a kiss there, and a lick there, feeling the heat from her core, as he gives her a kiss through the bottoms and then blows lightly, taking pleasure in her reaction of the pressure. “you gotta tell me what you want baby,” looks into her eyes with a mischievous grin, as he continues to tease her.

his touch was intoxicating, focusing on the way his hands felt as they roamed her body, an almost electric feeling being left in their wake. they could try to chalk tonight up to their cross faded state, to a one time deal, but something told her this was gonna be more than a one night stand. feeling the way her body reacted every little thing he did, she knew she was done for. that no matter what she was putty in his hands, he had her whenever and if ever and however he wanted her. her head was thrown back, loud whines leaving her lips as drew made his mark, having a feeling it was more than just heat of the moment, as if marking her in a way, a reminder to her what he does tonight, of how he made her feel. a small smile found its way onto her face during their intimate moment at his words, something about hearing them from his lips. turning almost shy for a second at them, "please baby," she practically begged, slowly reaching her hand below the waters' surface, needed to feel more of him. her hand slipping below the waistline of his shorts, wrapping around his length, a small gasp leaving her lips. he was bigger than she imagined, finding herself leaning up against him, her lips brushing his ear, "i cant wait for you to fuck me baby, youre so fucking big," she purred, nibbling lightly on his earlobe as she leaned back, a small intake of breath from the feeling of the wind on her aroused nipples, getting cut off by a loud moan as drew began his play with them. her other hand coming to play with the top of his hair, tugging with her moans every so often as her eyes fluttered closed. slowly opening her hooded eyes to watch the raven haired boy as he traveled lower, her hands coming to rest on her chest. a matching smirk finding its way to her face, before her bottom lip pulled in between her teeth taking in the sight before her. a small giggle left her lips as he pulled her closer, soft gasps and light moans tumbling from her mouth from his touch.

her hand found its way into his hair again, tugging at the teasing. whines accompanying her actions with breathy moans falling as she moved closer to him, trying to get more friction where he was needed the most. her eyes finding his, a rush going straight to her core at his words, her thighs instinctively trying to close for some sensation. "i wanna know how your tongue feels baby, fucking me as you play with my clit. Make me cum with your mouth, please baby," She practically begged, wanting nothing more than to come undone under him again and again.

he’s enthralled in her at this exact moment, wants to keep that look of utter pleasure on her face, doesn’t want to forget it. and it’s then he realizes that things won’t be the same, even if they go back to their daily routine by the time the sun rises and they only have hazy recollection about what’s currently taking place. he’s never made his mark on a girl that wasn’t his current girlfriend, didn’t care to claim territory on what wasn’t rightfully his, but something in him wants her to remember this moment. wants to see her amongst the crowd at one of the next outings, and admire his work. the sensual touching, the needy look in her eyes as he places his hands on all the right spots. in this moment, he wasn’t thinking of what anybody from school would think if they saw the two right now, wasn’t thinking of the mayhem that would be tori's reaction, and he certainly wasn’t thinking of the punishment he’d definitely have to endure when he stepped foot into the household tomorrow. whatever it was, it’d be worth it. to see her wither under his touch, to hear her gasp, and moan and watch her face as she takes in all the pleasure.

it's almost as if the two are intoxicated on each other, clouded by the rush of it all. the longing to reach out and feel the other’s touch too much. her pleads only egging him on, and increasing the want he already has for her. he lets out a small deep groan as she holds him in her hand, and he leans in closer to her, kisses her shoulder, then places his face in the crook of her neck, whispers in his ear. “i’m gonna fuck you so good, i’m gonna have to carry you out of here by the time we’re done” it’s a promise he intends to keep, as he moves back to his former spot. — he appreciates the tugging, loves it actually, and smirks at her impatience. wonders how her nails will feel against his back. he considers continuing the torture, but figures she’s had enough, at least for now. it’s only seconds after she does exactly what he’s asked of her, that he gives her one last peck against the thin material, then strips her of it, smiling as she helps him by lifting her lips. he tosses it to the side, before going back to his rightful spot rested between her legs, head tilted towards heaven. he’s watched porn an abundance of times, as well as many of his own experiences, and knows exactly where she wants him to be. his tongue swipes against her entrance, feeling the juices she’s already produced. “you taste so good, and you're so wet for me” he murmurs, as he makes eye contact before making himself familiar with her clit. licking and applying as much pressure as he can, all while holding her legs open, dipping his tongue into her folds from time to time, and then going back to the clit, holding her in place. his eyes staring into hers intently, as he laps at her juices, inserting a finger and then another into her slicked folds, as his tongue continues it’s work on her pearl. “so wet,” he repeats, as he watches her.

everything about him captivated her, each moment becoming engraved in her memory. she could almost feel the atmosphere shift in that moment, every ounce of her soul knew things had changed. knowing she wouldnt be able to just look at him in the halls, or simply sit next to him without a flash of this night playing in her head. but she didnt care, not about a single thing except him. she didnt care that when she awoke the next morning her entire world would shift, that she would lose the closest person in her life for god only knows how long. she just knew she didnt want the night, the euphoria, to end. every experience she had, every person that entered her life didnt compare to how she felt. she couldnt stop the whines that were falling from her throat, or the jolts being sent through her body from his touch. she felt good, knowing she had his entire presence, not a single thing being able to drag either one out of the moment. everything else being pushed to the back of her mind, all the little things that were on her shoulders melting off as his hands and mouth worked over her body. almost as if this was was second nature to the boy, knowing exactly what spots to hit, what got bigger reactions out of her without ever having experienced each other.

her body shivered against him at his words, a moan falling from her lips simply at the thought of him fucking her until she barely knows her won name. "fuck me like the whore I am," her tone almost dangerous, challenging even. their gazes finding one another, a smirk pulling at her plump lips, and a wink sent his way. she watched him move in between her legs, widening ever so slightly for him. her heart pumping as she anticipated his next move, whining when he didnt listen right away, "please," she begged, her hips immediately propping themselves into the air when she felt his hands pulling at the straps of her bottoms. her eyes falling closed, a sharp hiss falling from her lips when his tounge found her slit. she had gotten wet just from seeing him topless before they got in the jacccuzi, knowing she was dripping by the time he got her bottoms off. "its all yours, all for you, whenever you want it baby," She choked out in between moans, her body arching every so often despite the hold he had on her. her eyes finding his amidst the haze, her hand tugging harder on his hair feeling his fingers slip in with ease, a loud whimper breaking from her lips. her other hand finding his shoulder, digging in ever so slightly, a breathy and almost inaudible "Fuck me," falling from her lips

he hadn't expected this. the scene unfolding before him. figured they’d drink and smoke, probably get a few noise complaints from their neighbors, and wake up to a trashed hotel room. maybe wreak havoc around the area. but he's sure none of that could compare to this. — once he's good and ready, meaning he feels she’s satisfied enough, dripping wet and begging for more, he removes both his mouth and fingers, then repeating her words, “all mine,”. even though they both know they don’t belong to each other, he has to admit he likes hearing the words fall from her lips. he’s sure it’s somewhere around 11 o’ clock, possibly nearing midnight. the two having entered the pool room at least an hour before. he knows although no one’s checking for them, it’s best to be out of here within a reasonable time. he doesn’t respond to her pleads. instead he slips out of the red and blue swim trunks, lets them pool around his ankles, before he hovers over her body, and pecks her lips a few times. slips his hands under her for what feels like the millionth time, lifting her petite frame, before placing her down in the water with him. “you ready baby?” he asks, wants to make sure this is still what they both want. before turning her around, placing her arms on the edge of the jacuzzi, spreading her legs, and aligning himself up with her entrance. once she gives the okay, he slips in, groaning at the pleasure he already feels. “shit,” he hisses, as he pulls out little by little, and thrusts in deep, trying to get into a steady rhythm, all the while making sure she’s comfortable. “fuck, you’re so wet and tight,” he groans out, as his thrusts become more rapid. admiring the glistening cream she's producing, as he slaps her right cheek, and drills into her, going as deep as he can. as her walls begin to close around him, he moves his dominant hand up to her neck, gripping it softly, and urging her to cum. his mind is free of everything else, but he subconsciously thanks audra for the fight they had earlier leading up to this.

if anyone were to tell her that she would find herself naked on the edge of a Jacuzzi while her cousins ex boyfriend ate her out, shed tell them they were crazy. the dynamic between them never being anything more than destructive at times, caring deeply for the other but not in the way that would bring them to this experience. coming to the random hotel she expected the usual blunts and bottles, but she was more than happy with the position she found herself in. a smirk found its way on her face as he repeated her words, while they both knew better, in this moment they were each others. nothing stopping them from living out their wildest fantasies. while the jacuzzi wasnt her first choice, there was something sensual about the area. being out in the public eye but still being totally private, the jets creating a sort of numbness on their skins if they were submerged. she watches as he slips out of his shorts, not even bothering to hide the action as her eyes trained to his cock, her bottom lip slipping between her teeth as she slowly raked his body. slowly working up till she met his gaze, a smirk crossing her features. her hands coming to rest around his neck, kissing him back with small giggles as she was swept from her spot. pecking his lips one more time as her hand fell to stroke him a few times, a small nod following his words. allowing herself to be positioned as he wished. her hands placed firmly on the concrete under her as she pushed back slightly onto him. A sharp intake of breathe as he pressed into her. whimpers falling from her lips at his pace, encouraging him to go harder. soon loud cries of pleasure fell from her lips, breathy words of encouragement for him, pushing back to meet his thrusts. "faster baby," she spoke with a loud moan, her back arching when he hit her spot. "right there, daddy, keep going," she could feel a knot tightening, "fuck," an almost pornographic moan coming from her lips as his hand came to rest on her throat, her own coming to rest over his a squeeze to tell him he can choke her harder as she slowly came undone underneath him.

anyone who set eyes on lia and knew of her, could assume she'd be a bit wild between the sheets. but she’d exceeded drew’s expectations. the arch of her back, giving him perfect access to the spot he wanted to reach, her meeting his each and every thrust, and the way they both were sexually connected in the moment. knowing exactly where the other wants to be touched, what the other wants to hear and when. he's had bad sex before, he’s sure she has her stories too, but drew feels like he met his match. he grants her wish, picking up speed, pounding into her like she wants. he’s close, and the feeling of her walls clenching around him, the juices coating him, as she rides her orgasm out. “so good baby girl, so good” he mutters out, knowing it's only a matter of seconds before he joins her. gripping her throat a little rougher, he slams into her will full force, burying himself within her. he feels it all, the tightening, the pleasure, the twitch and he lets out a satisfied groan as he removes his hand from around her and pulls out as quickly as he can, the semen falling in the water. he slips his swimming trucks back on, walks over to her, and gives her a passionate kiss, moving her now damp hair out of her face, still panting. “what do you say we go upstairs to our room, and go for round 2?” he smiles at her, as he hands her the bottoms to her bikini. “i’ll even keep my promise and carry you up” he winks, picking up the two nearby towels, and wrapping it around her shoulders.

like with most of the guys in the school, she had her suspicions of how Drew was in the bedroom. but everything she had thought was surpassed that night. meeting him match for match as the night went along, knowing every little thing the other wanted as the night went. there was something laying in the air around them, something that no one would be able to explain. not even the two teenagers in the jacuzzi, becoming undone within each other, forgetting the stress of world around them for just a moment. lia let out one final whimper, feeling him pull out of her. standing on shaky legs as she sat on the side of the jacuzzi, swinging her legs over to land on the steps. watching as drew collected their clothes. her hand cupping his face as she kissed him back with equal passion, maybe even more. "I think that sounds perfect," A small chuckle as she slipped her bottoms on, "Piggyback ride?" She asked a small pout on her lips as she feigned innocence towards the boy despite the less then innocent acts transpired less then a few minutes prior.

the morning after.

all that is heard is the default ringtone of an iphone, and chestnut orbs flutter open at the alarming sound. his right hand immediately goes to his head, as he shields his eyes from the sunlight through the hotel’s thin curtains, his head throbbing in pain. doesn’t miss the fact that he's completely naked under the covers. he remembers bits and pieces of last night, can taste the remnants of peach ciroc on his tongue, the groggy feeling he has because of the weed from the night prior. he tries to recollect his memory, before his phone starts ringing again, and he declines it, before looking at the notifications. 7 missed calls from audra torres, 15 text messages from audra torres. he groans, before hearing a shift in the bed, and looks over to find none other than the beauty that is lia rosenburg under the blankets, also naked from what he can tell.

he fumbles out of the sheets, muttering out a “fuck,” at his current situation. scrambling to get his jeans on, while the memories flash in his mind, the sex, the wanting, the way he felt. he goes to the other side of the bed, still shirtless, as he shakes her awake gently, “lia?” he calls out, as he moves the hair out of her face just like he had the night before.

The incessant buzzing from a phone was beginning to get to lia. Her head pounding and wanting nothing more than to fall asleep, and stay that way for the rest of the day. A huff being let out as she pulled the blanket over her head, tucking herself deeper into the blanket, trying to drown out the noise. Without even blinking her eyes open she pushed the source of the voice away. “Sleep,” she spoke softly, wrapping the blanket around her hand, uncovering her face again, pulling it up under her chin. her head throbbing as she let out a quiet groan, the brightness from the sun to much even with her eyes closed. her throat raw from what she assumed to be weed she smoked, the lingering taste in her mouth mixed with what she thought was some sort of peach vodka, based on the headache she had. Snap shots of the night prior dancing in her head, slowly sitting up as she let out a light groan, her hips feeling sore, as if she spent the night on a bike. Holding onto the blanket as she ran her fingers through her hair she slowly turned to the source of the noise. Her eyes finding a naked torso, slowly trailing her eyes up their form.

Lia couldnt help the small gasp as she made eye contact with Drew Torres, all the memories of the night prior hitting her at once. Every little touch, every word, emotion flooding back. Her head falling as she fell back against the headboard, not knowing what to say. Her mind flooding with all the consequences of what they did, but something within her still feeling on fire as she recounted their entire night.

drew can't help but gaze at the girl, giving her a soft smile, before running hands through his brunette hair, and sitting down on the side of the bed. the room is half trashed, and he wonders if they had sex here too, before shrugging it off as an ‘of course’. looking at the home screen of his phone again, he finds that it’s 9:24 AM, and they’re expected to be checked out by noon. he scratches the back of his neck, before giving lia another once over, catching the hickeys painted onto her neck. “did we?” he asks, motioning to himself then her, doesn't specify, but they both know what he means.

she brought her head back up, giving him small smile as well, glancing around for any shirt she could find quickly. her eyes taking in the state of the room, bottles and empty blunt packages scattered around. she knew what they did, her mind racing as she thought of all the things that could go wrong. she didnt know how many times they had sex, but she did know her legs were killing her, and it was gonna be a fun walk to the elevator. her eyes caught his gaze, chuckling softly at his words, her hand coming to run through her hair, as much as she could anyway. The blanket falling from her shoulders ever so slightly, "I think we did," She spoke, biting her lip softly as she processed her words.

#rosenburg-lia #blame it on the alcohol.#do not read this lmao.#smut /#smut //#tw: smut #tw smut #alcohol /#alcohol //#tw: alcohol #tw alcohol #drugs /#drugs //#tw: drugs #tw drugs

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z0mbi3b0ng · 4 years

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i want to know more about chris and lewis like details about their relationship aahh is that vague... im not sure what to ask i dont know much about them yet thats WHY i wanna know shit 🤔

HEHE uh well here’s a master post which kind of explains a little about how they met and how they started their friendship, all of that good beginning stuff. i’m not sure if you’ve read it but here’s a link

BUT! i can tell u a few major details about their relationship and if u have any more questions just feel free to ASK!! i will happily answer (:

so in case this has not yet been figured out, chris is the top and lewis is the bottom.... THATS JUST THE NUMBER ONE and it had to be said.

in the beginning of their romantic relationship, after lewis sucks him off without knowing in mouths edge, chris will Not stop coming to see him. he visits him every day after that, checking up on him, asking him if he’s alright, if he’s hungry, because mind you AT THE TIME lewis is homeless and he just stays in motels whenever he gets the chance. lewis gets mistreated and used by grown-ass men all the time with his job and chris tries to lighten up the situation by joking with him and attempting to make him feel better, inviting him over to his house so he can sleep in an actual bed. and finally, after like six attempts lewis agrees! because hell yeah he wants a nice bed to sleep in. it’s kind of hard to explain how lewis feels about chris while they separate after middle school and everything that happens to lewis happens. he kind of loathes him in a way, because lewis thought so highly of him back when they were kids. chris was a prime picture of what lewis wanted to be as a boy, free and willful, and seeing him drugged out of his mind and high all the time with bruises everywhere looking like complete shite makes lewis angry. it makes him feel like chris is throwing his life away and that he’s taking what he has for advantage. in a way he’s right. but chris has bad coping mechanisms and he can’t help that he is the way that he is. after his parents' divorce shit just kind of got bad. he was alone with yafir, his father, more and it was hard not seeing his mom- who is his rock and is his Home- and being stuck with his abusive homophobic father. they’d get in arguments and fights all the time, and chris would always lay in his bed and write in his journal ranting about wanting to die and how he just wants to see that blonde-headed kid again, how he wants to see lewis and to feel his eyes on him and to feel that warmth that he’d feel electrify his entire body back in middle school, he wants and misses the first boy he ever fell in love with. so when they see each other again for the first time in mouths edge and chris is blasted out of his mind after just having gotten in a physical fight with his father, lewis can’t even tell that it’s chris. it’d been so long anyway, about seven to eight years, and when he sees the dude walking toward him ready to pay for services he obliges because it’s his job. but midway through the service, chris notices. he notices it’s lewis and damn if he’s not gonna say his name and attempt to see if lewis knows who he is. lewis refuses and tells chris not to call him that, because nobody calls him that and nobody has for a while. lewis went by Lory in mouths edge. but hearing chris say that was an instant give away. OF COURSE lewis knew who the hell chris was, and he was sucking his dick in the middle of a dark alley against a brick wall????? it was all so fucking panic-inducing and lewis quickly finished chris off before getting up and walking away because that was all he owed him. but OF COURSE, chris doesn’t give up that easily, and he bugs him, asks him all these questions. “Why are you here? prostituting? what happened?” and “Are you okay? do you have a place to stay? are you hungry?” and this begins chris’s everyday visits and thus begins how they start hanging out more and more and slowly start to rekindle their relationship as it blooms a little rosebud in the middle of both their hearts (:

lewis stays at chris’s house and chris gives him the bed at first, making himself sleep on the floor. it’s all innocent and chris wants to make sure lewis is the most comfortable. especially at this time because lewis is fragile. but soon lewis invites chris up to the bed and they’ll lay beside each other like pin-straight needles, arms at their sides and legs together, eyes up at the ceiling.

when they share their very first kiss, it’s weird. chris goes in first of course, eager and lips puckering, waiting, his chest buzzing and his hands slightly shaking because this ought to be the best fucking moment of his life, but when he goes to connect to lewis’s lips, it’s cold. his lips are cold and soft, not eager, not excited....not kissing back. and this upsets and confuses chris and he asks lewis why, but lewis can’t respond because he doesn’t know why, he doesn’t know how to tell chris why. “I liked it,” would be all he said and chris would stare at him with his big eyes and scrunch his brows because it was obvious that lewis didn’t. and he was confused. see, lewis’s thing is that all his entire life he’s been used and has been ‘programmed’ in a way that he believes he’s meant to be used and that it’s his job to give pleasures to others, that he’s expected to just sit there and let others do onto him whatever their hearts desire so he accepts it, whether he likes it or not. but he can’t explain all of that to chris just because of a kiss, and HELL lewis doesn’t even understand it himself he just IS that way. chris doesn’t EVER push him though, and he doesn’t make him do things, he’s very patient and kind with him. he’s not stupid and can sense that there’s something wrong that will take time to make itself right and not even wholly so. so he waits. and waits and waits.

their first actual kiss takes place a good couple of months after that. there’s a moment shared between them that chris could have easily leaned in to kiss lewis during, but he doesn’t and it leaves lewis grasping for it for the rest of the day. he goes to work and can’t stop thinking about it. MIND YOU ALL THIS TIME IN BETWEEN THOSE MONTHS have been so tension-filled with small moments here and there, but this one moment was it, this was when chris was gonna kiss him. and then he DOESNT??? lewis is left PRETTY flabbergasted. but hes working at the junkyard with cody and he’s thinking about it, how close they were and how chris smelt like honey and lavender, how his lips looked soft and warm and how their shoulders were brushing the closer that they got. he thought about how his lips would taste and how they had both just eaten one of chris’s favorite snacks, those little Debbie cinnamon rolls, and he wondered if they’d taste like that. meanwhile, chris was fucking shitting himself. his face was entirely hot and in his head he was screaming “GO! DO IT! KISS HIM!” but then it was all “NO DONT DO IT! WAIT! DOES HE WANT TO?” and then again with the “HOLY SHIT WE’RE FUCKING CLOSE I CAN SMELL HIM HE SMELLS LIKE SWEET TAFFY THATS BEEN BATHING IN SUNLIGHT AND HIS LIPS LOOK LIKE FRESHLY BLOOMED SUMMER PEACHES THAT CAN JUST BE SUCKED RIGHT UP, SUPPLE AND GONE.” but of course chris DOESNT kiss him because hes an idiot and he insists he drives lewis to work because he’ll be late if they dont leave then!! and so he does. and lewis goes to work. and then chris sits back home in his room on his bed and kicks himself in the ass because YEAH HE SHOULDVE FUCKING KISSED HIM! and so GET THIS, he grabs his skateboard and BOARDS all the way to the junkyard where lewis is and he sees him as he skates up, hauling some sort of metal, and he kicks his board up and catches it with his hand and he walks over to him, and lewis looks at him slightly surprised and smiles and chris is close within seconds, and lewis whispers a soft “Hi,” and chris instantly hits him with the “can I kiss you?” and LEWIS NODS AND THEN THEY FUCKING KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSS!!! can you believe it they fucking kiss and it’s everything both of them could have ever wanted. it’s WARM and SOFT and it’s invigorating and ELECTRIFYING and it lasts a good TEN SECONDS before they pull away and smile all goofy at each other (: HEHEHEHEEHEH god i love that first real kiss man i could talk about it all day.

uhhhh anyway enough detailed backstory. here are some minor details abt their relationship together:

-chris is very into PDA and always has his hands on lewis, whether its on his lower back with his thumb brushing his skin softly or straight up on his thigh. and when their chillin in bens man cave with everyone, lewis will sit in chris’s lap on a beanbag together (:

-CHRIS is very INSECURE and will easily get upset when someone that he feels in any way is better than him gets all up on lewis.... he’s very sensitive. when mikael hugs lewis for a little too long or when ben kisses lewis’s cheek in an obvious brotherly way, chris can’t help but to get slightly jealous because he’s an insecure piece of poop ):

-lewis likes to stare at and touch chris’s ASS! and chris likes to do the same to lewis BUT THATS OBVIOUS. chris’ll be working on his board on the floor in a squat position and his crack’ll be showin a little bit and lewis’ll be like big eyes emoji

-mikael is pretty much a voyer and loves to watch chris and lewis makeout UDYGUGDYUFHLF chris and lewis make out alllllll the time it’s one of their most favorite things to do hehe (: they’ll be chillin in the back on one of the beanbags while everyone else is up by the tv playin pong and they’ll be kissin. mikael’ll look back and grin and nod his head and be all. “damn that’s hot. love you guys keep it up” DKGKUDGYLD it’s stupid he’s dumb

-lewis is very afraid of yafir! whenever lewis is over at chris’s he tries his best to stay up in chris’s room no matter what because going downstairs when yafir is home is very scary ): but when yafir leaves, chris and lewis’ll do tons of shit downstairs (: like cook together and shit in yafirs office

-ok but i havent talked about chris’s momma a lot but. his mom is literally an angel. melanie is a very very sweet woman who loves her son with her entire heart. chris is her everything, chris is her sweet handsome boy ): and by god when she meets lewis she is in love.....lewis is her BAAAAABY!!! melanie is a huge kid person, she works at a daycare hehe (: she likes to wear long flowery skirts and soft flowy blouses or shirts and shes a huge hippie. she smokes weed with chris a lot. she collects rocks and stones and gems and believes in their healing and health powers. shes very aura and chakra oriented, is very good at telling peoples vibes and thats where chris gets it from. shes very beautiful too... her and yafir together were a very very beautiful couple :/ thats why chris looks like handsome squidward

KHFGBLUHDLFH OKAY IM DONE IM SORRY THIS IS SO FUCKING MUCH i cant help myself. i love you anon please ask me more stuff if you want to know anything else!! i have a LOT more that i can talk about hehe. this is just a pinch of chris and lewis :/

#chris #lewis #my ocs #mikael #ben #Anonymous

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dekumidoriyall · 5 years

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I am a wreck man. I liked it better when I could go home and cry alone. But now "home" is ykws place and he sees me cry and I'm over it.

And if I just leave the place to cry he will also notice bc he pays too much attention which I'm not mad at I guess it's better than him not noticing anything at all which would probably make it worse. Like I know my brain would turn that into "wow he doesn't even notice when you're upset he doesn't care at all" which my ex never noticed and that was exactly the case sometimes. But then again if I actually wanted to fake it I could, but I try not to as much bc that only makes me feel worse. I'd rather not fake it, bc one that's more exhausting, and two, my brain would again try to convince me no one notices bc they don't care. And then I have to tell myself , like yeah no shit jazz you're great at faking it. So I try not to fake it with ykw, I just tone it down a bit and then will lie about it. Which is dumb and I'm glad he called me out on it. And I get he shouldn't have to drag it out of me but also I really do feel my own thoughts are sometimes irrational which is why I double layer my thoughts and have to think about them. And then it sucks when I know I'm being sad or upset for a dumb reason and then he wants to ask me about it and it's like I already know I'm dumb for even thinking this but I don't want him to know how dumb I think i am sometimes. At least how dumb my first thoughts can be sometimes. Bc like I said, I'll tell myself hey that's nonsensical. I am rational believe it or not, it's just the second layer which I thank God I'm self aware enough to at least acknowledge when my own thoughts or feelings are being dumb.

But I have been feeling distant lately and I'm sad about that at a surface level, bc I know my language is quality time and v close after that is physical touch. Like I think QT is 11 and PT is 8, and then it goes words of affirmation at 7 and then acts of service at 4 (which is weird bc I actually think this is how I show it most but I don't receive it the same) and then of course receiving gifts at 0 bc y'all know I don't care jack shit at all for things or gifts or stuff.

And it sucks bc I just live there. It's like we've said. We're just friends. So at not just the surface level but at the second level, I get even more upset with myself for being upset in the first place bc it's like c'mon jazz it doesn't matter, y'all don't owe each other anything. Y'all can talk to whomever. Y'all can do whatever tf y'all want. Y'all aren't together. It doesn't really matter. You know me, I'm no good in the middle or with uncertainty. Uncertainty is my Achilles heel.

But idk he hasn't been as cuddly lately, doesn't do the hand to waist thing almost at all anymore. We had sex (which I know is opposite of physically distant) but I dont even know where that came from but I craved the small stuff so much that I was like I'll take this if this is all I can get. I mean don't get me wrong I thoroughly enjoyed it (although some foreplay would've been extra nice) and would ten ten do again but Physical touch isn't necessarily sex. For me it's the cuddling and the hugs and the orbiting and the almost hand holding and when the hand holding does happen it's nice. So it's not necessarily I'll take what I can get more so that I've been feeling a detachment and it was nice to feel wanted I guess. And i think this is what I like to use the most which is why I'm always like running my hands in his hair and beard and probably annoy him with the lack of physical space. But lately I feel I have to initiate all that or have to refrain completely bc I don't want to annoy him or suffocate him and again we aren't together so I shouldn't even be concerned with any of that. But I actually drafted a post about the sex thing but I couldn't even finish it bc I still am actually surprised by it. Like I honestly would've thought it was a dream if it weren't for me being sore. Like it had been months and wow it felt so great. But I literally have no idea where it came from. Literally a day before the boy and I were talking about a sermon about that. And don't get me wrong, I'd probably do it again, but there isn't a container at all right now. We aren't even dating and I can't justify it. Like of course I care about him and I have, ya know, those extra feelings, but as far as I know with him, I'm just a candidate. The "only candidate" as he put it a week or so ago, but who knows.

Again it comes back down to insecurity and uncertainty. But I put myself in this position. I started thinking about maybe I shouldve moved in with Momo but tbh I'd feel even more isolated and uncertain there so I cut that out thank God bc the enemy was really trying hard with that one.

Idk I guess nothing is really wrong it's just me I guess questioning my role in other people's lives. And I pray that I stop, bc at the end of the day it's just me and god and that relationship that matters.

Yeah I think my alignment is off, like pastor Steven furtick said in his contentment commandments sermon, if you feel like you're in a hurry, you're alignment is off. So I just need to refocus on God. Nothing else matters and I know it's easier said than done or even trying to convince me, but it won't stop me from trying.

Idk, I wish I cared less. About everything and everyone. All caring has ever gotten me is getting hurt.

And I don't want to talk about this which is why I'm writing it out. And if he needs to then I will try my best to talk it out and I don't want to not write on here bc I know he reads it, and I also don't want to refrain any of my feelings either bc this is the only way I can get them out. And sometimes I can't talk and be open about them and this is the next best thing. But I do promise to try. I am trying to be more open with him. And I wrote that thing about not being vulnerable with him and i don't want to go backwards. It was one of my intentions going into this year and I'm not gonna let one night that was bad timing ruin that. And honestly being vulnerable and open and honest with someone is very unlike me bc I am always on guard with people even though it doesn't seem it if you actually know me unless you're AJ or Kel who have gotten to know me under the surface bc even my daddy issues™ are open forum and I don't mind talking about that. But there are under the surface vulnerable feelings I've had on that that only few people know. So while it seems that I am open, I actually am always playing defense. Observing people and knowing more than I let on and feeling more than I let on. Idk I don't know if AJ gets the fact that I keep stuff to myself not bc I necessarily don't trust him, but bc the more people know about you the more they can hurt you. And idk aj knows more than Kel at this point when it comes to things that could potentially be used against me. And that's fucking terrifying.

And then always at the back of my head is this is all temporary. At any point he could get tired of me and I'd have to uproot and move again.

And you know what I have been giving him a lot of backstory lately. In the last month or so, since we had that talk about me being open, and since the first open up during Xmas and even before then when we kinda talked when we hot boxed the closet, I've been more open these past few weeks than I have the entirely of our friendship. And I don't get much back. I don't pry ever. It's not like I don't notice things. I just let him be and if he wants to tell me things then he can. Idk maybe he shows he cares by doing the prying and getting me to talk to him and tbh that's a good call bc if he didn't then I probs would spiral into a whole he doesn't care headspace. So I'm not gonna complain. And I hope he doesn't think that I don't care or notice, I just don't mind that he plays defense. Bc I do that with everyone. Well it's not that I don't mind, it's just i understand. But I notice when he gets heavy, and he won't talk to me about it or open up to me until after and even then he just brushes over it.

I don't know I feel like this post is going in circles but the more I write the more stuff is just coming to the forefront and i actually feel better but im not entirely sure any of this is coherent and also i probably misspoke on some things. But I feel better.

Long story short, I'll keep opening up bc it's something I haven't done so maybe it will be the thing that will help. And it's scary and I can't promise him 100 percent but I can promise to try and give more. I just need him to understand that I keep stuff to myself out of defense.

I'm not upset at him for anything even all the distance I've been feeling, it's just I'm sensitive to any slight change in behaviour, just like he is. He thinks he's the only keen one, and I'll give him props he's good, slightly better than me, I just don't speak on it. It doesn't bother me that he doesnt tell me everything. But my mind does go crazy with assumptions when I do notice any changes.

I just want us both to be light again. I think we've both been a bit heavy. I think we're both stressed about things that have nothing to do with each other but does affect our friendship.

We just both are people who get in our own heads. But we deal with it differently, which is okay. This is all a journey, a learning curve. And honestly it wont get better unless we both communicate better. But when neither of us likes to feel vulnerable or show weakness, it's kinda difficult. Especially me. I'm not gonna speak for him. I have to actively be aware of it. Its only 8 days into the yesr so I don't think I'm necessarily failing at choosing joy or opening up, I think it's the fact that I'm doing that is such a radical shift that I'm kinda grinding the gears within myself. So it's just growing pains.

Sorry for the long ass post I just needed a big mind dump and to turn my thoughts around from where they were bc I actually feel like I kinda made some progress within myself.

Anyway the other night was great, both AJ meeting my family and ya know coming back home. So I fully intend to still post that draft I was writing (I really still am in disbelief) bc it was about both those things. Just maybe when I let it sit for a bit longer. Also I kinda still wanna keep it for myself for a bit. I have a lot of thoughts about it. Good and maybe some, not bad, but just tangents I guess. So soon.

#personal

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somedaypast-thesunset · 7 years

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i need to do some writing today.

here is what i know as a fact: i am undoubtedly more mature emotionally and in overall life than him. no matter what, i will always handle life easier than him because “my journey” “taught me” “how to be strong”.but its not strength. its like.. an armour coating. and i just kept painting a protective sealant around my soul everytime something happened so now when something happens thats pretty fucing bad, my reaction is much less than the average person. kind of like an ER trauma doctor - theyve seen so much. i have seen more than almost any other person my age. i know more. even though i didnt have the same experiences as them, i still know of life much more. i know the true reality of life as it is and not what is sold to you or influenced by a higher source.

and life is absolute total complete shit. it’s totally completely terrible and if you are lucky - and ONLY if you are lucky, will you find your own success which will satisfy you just enough to make it through.

i am not depressed solely because my father is dead. thats simple. that doent stop me from living my life. if he just died randomly - that sucks ass but you move on. its not his death. its his life. he worked 47 years to have his pensions stolen legally. like government approved pension theft. he worked so hard to die in poverty. he wasnt a homeless person. he never borrowed money from anyone. he had no debts. why in the FUCK did he get that? what kind of god, if there was a god, would reward your earthly services with fucking poverty. the government told him if you pay your taxes and be a good citizen you will get X amount for the rest of your days but no where did they say if you get married though and become seperated your wife will take your pensions. what the fuck is seperation if nothing changes?

47 years to be crippled in a lazy boy watching wrestling. FORTY. SEVEN. YEARS. where in the FUCK was his reward? he didnt even get a loving family! he died ALONE. he gave everything he had in his life toe veryone else and he died ALONE starving in a hospital bed.

so tell me now how you paying 1.50 for air at the pump is the sign of the world ending. tell me how them raising the gas prices before a holiday is the worst of capitalism. tell me how you working sooo hard for the past year has been just absolutely terrible and “gotten you nowhere” as you live in your mothers house for free.

bitch you dont even know the worst of life. you dont even know what it is to do everything right and stil get nothing for it. he said to me, “you dont know, ive had to actually work -” .. “ive watched a dozen men in the exact same position as you get royally fucked much harder than you and have to keep going. how does this give me any incentive to go out and work as i watched men break their back for _nothing_? their lives are no better.”

i told him that my doctor believes i completely understand whats going on. that im not like delusional or creating scenarios in my head - i have encountered the true realities of life and human beings have extreme difficulties dealing with some of the worst parts of life; such as moving & public speaking & death.

so i go back and forth. because im told im shit i believe im shit and infantalize myself; i must be so ignorant and so blinded not to see the “truth” and that my depression is a fog keeping me from seeing positive things.

but then there are times like this where i realize i might actually be one of the few people around me who actually see things for how they are. his mother returned from her vacation and immediately she brought a cloud of darkness with her because she is the epitome of mass consumption and spoiledness. and its become disgusting the level in which she is consuming and spending money and i cant even pretend to be amused anymore. it really pisses me off. because i have such little money i am dictated as to how i should be using it and what i should be buying and yet she has enough money to stock her house with food that has been expired for two years and continue to buy more and be particular about bagged milk or eggs with omega 3 and its like you lived on an island which shouldve been closer to farm life and you somehow came out entitled and spoiled as fuck. my friend and i slept in her bed for four hours one night after drinking and she left her rings but we didnt know. his mother found them and fraked out that we slept in her bed because “you cant sleep in a bed someone else has slept in”.

and its like within this “concern” she had no bearng at all on the fact she was insulting me and my friend. he said, “theyre probably cleaner than i am” in response because it did sound like she was saying my friend and i were sooo dirty we somehow sullied her bed. like we’re below her and we fucked up her things. this is of course after she had moved my bag of laundry from inside the house to the garage. so its like one after another thing making me feel sooo second class and shitty and hes crying about 1.50 at the pump. his own mother is apart of the larger problem and continually makes me feel like shit. theres no reason for my laundry to be moved; at all. it was just ‘ugh get out of my house’ without saying it because people like her make passive aggressive moves while smiling sunshine out of their ass.

the weekend was continually up ad down with him. when he returned he was so excited to see me. he was super affectionate and loving and outwardly praising me in front of his friends and it was really fucing nice and it lulled me into a false sense of security. but like in no way do i believe hes acting malicious. like he did this purposely to manipulate me. his actions were not done maliciously, but this is the result of them. i was lulled into false security because the next four days were very up and down and not great but still okay?

on thursday & friday he was very focused on the time i spent with a new friend. but he portrayed this like a “joke”. like he was “mocking” it or “making fun”. but it became like.. so often that it was not a joke. it became a VERY clear sign of insecurity that amounted on saturday to me saying i was “bored” and him becoming VERY insecure. he apologized that i was bored, he “joked” that i would disappear for a day and suck some other guys dick and lie about it for six months. and lke these are not jokes. theyre said as jokes, his tone is joking but this is not a joke. this is a projection of insecurity.

but the thing is it doesnt make sense. our “relationship” is “open”. for all intents & purposes, hes allowed to “be with other people”. will i also be with him? .... remains to be seen. maybe i will. i dont know. i cannot say if he is sooooo important and i am soooo progressed in my perspectives that i would say i cant be associated with him. i dont know yet. but this is an “allowable occurence” as deemed by him and “agreed” to by me. so this is open. but its becoming increasingly apparant that this is not open for me. none of my actions in any way can or should be considered “cheating”. not that any of my actions ould be described as cheating - ive gone for drives & walks with friends and drew pictures. i have not even physically touched another man in a year beyond a hug which has lasted probably maximum ten seconds long. but even if i had 2 minue long hugs which tured to make out sessions and sucked dick at the end - it shouldnt be cheating. there is no rule that says this is cheating. everything says this is okay. if HE can do it, then CERTAINLY i can also.

he directly referrred to the fact that my new friend had gone to an art gallery in kitchener and wondered outloud if thats what he shouldve done but didnt think it wold be worth it. he was just focused on the fact this person existed in my life at all and that he would be seen as boring and uninteresting in comparison. i had never seen him so outwardly insecure and bothered by something like this in our relationship.

the next morning he woke up and reminded me that we had an open relationship and that he thought about these other girls and wanted this and this etc. it seemed obvious that he was saying this because he was upset by the insinuation i thought he was boring (which i never said, btw, i said i was “bored”. i specifically remember saying i was bored. period. not that he caused the boredom or was a boring person) and maybe was looking somewhere else. like he had built the delusion up so far he had to hurt me with “yeah well i can do this too” even though i wasnt. i told him this later on and he meekly said that wasnt why he had brought it up but it clearly was. later that night he said, “if you leave me you have to tell me so i can leave you first” which i felt succinctly described what happened - he felt like i was going to leave him so he pre-empted by reminding me he could also fill my space.

i continually repeated that i wasnt going to leave him but it became so exaggerated that .. it wasnt that i didnt believe that i wasnt going to leave him but i didnt believe there was a relationship to leave. what would i leave? was it not him who wanted to leave? was it not him who wanted more? was it not him whos unsatisfied? why would you assume i would leave when its him whos unhappy? see, i want to have a life with him. i try to make an effort to have a life with him but im completely stuck.

last night i helped him with this very dumb and futile task of taping large pieces of vinyl wrapping on a deck in the wind before a storm. i didnt have to but i did because i love him and knew it was a shitty task to have to do and next to impossible on your own. we werent able to do it and he was upset about it and his job and his life and within an hour was taking it out on me. he said that our relationship was the “easy way out” and that he could get instant gratification in his day by fucking and smoking weed. if he was alone more then he could have time to “think” and “be himself” and that i should respect when he says no or wants to be alone (he didnt say he wanted to be alone). he said hes run by anxiety and that in another time he wouldve just up and moved by now instead of talking about it.

i felt really offended that our relationship had been degraded to instant gratification. it was the first time i really felt like a whore in the relationship and that my purpose was to fuck. i asked him what i could do when i was with him to encourage better choices beyond fucking and smoking weed. he told me there was nothing. so i also felt like i had no choice either but to be someone he fucks and smokes weed with and thats it. like i cant build a life with him because im just a fucktoy who smokes his weed. like sure, he wanted to express the dissatisfaction in our routine but he was no better than his mother in expressing it because he didnt care that he was insinuating i had no other use to him.

he tried to be easy going after this conversation - i didnt respond to his crap but i did not feel good anymore. i made a legitimate effort to help him resolve his personal issues and he essentially shit on me. i wasnt condoning continuing the routine, i was encouraging a change and it was like no, we still have to do this but also give me time alone to have a seperate life.

and i live that already. i live this shitty duality of lives where i spend my days alone trying to put together a life i lead completely independent from him like he doesnt even exist and then have to pick it back up and act like its this most important thing of my life. there is no middle ground, its one extreme or the other while pretending tht this is a “relationship” and that we’re “in love”. but i think we just love each other. i dont think this is in love. maybe im in love, maybe because i understand “in love” more than him but i think he just loves me and cares about me. which is fine - its not even like i think he doesnt want to be with me. he does. but he is not really capable of being with me in the capacity that i need and im not needy. im not broken because this is not good enough for me and that im like wrong for wanting more. its natural and okay.

he jokes that we are already married. that i will do womens work because he goes to work and i stay home. but there is no “home” in which to do this work in. he has not provided me anything beyond packs of smokes and weed and iced capps. like he supports me in the way the government supports me. just enough to still need more support but not fail completely. i thik he feels comfortable playing house and i’m sort of looking at him like are you for real? like the test drive is about to be over.

he said he “felt like a prisoner” because he didnt want to go downstairs and make food and face his shitty mother. i told him i felt the same at my place with my roommate. but theres like.. no response. no empathy - like hey, we share the same shitty thing. or maybe even like a deeper understanding of who i am and the life i live without him.

this morning i woke up and fel the same. he wanted to fuck and i didnt, i said no but he continued to pull down my pants. and this is not going into like some assault story because thats not it at all. yes, i said no. and if i had pulled away and been like fuck no - it wouldve ended. i wasnt trapped. i made a concious decision to let him do this but not even want it. and i dont think he really even cared; in many ways he can be pretty depraved and its likely the idea that i was doing it just to get it over with turned him on anyways. and i dont even judge these behaviors because the horrors and depravity and realities of life keep me interested and he is just honest about his depravity because people are ashamed of theirs. maybe i am too. not that i was turnd on by this; im not into guys fucking me when im not into it, but i coud probably participate in rape fantasies so maybe i can disconnect easier and take it for what it is. its never malicious. no one is uisng sex to make me feel this way except maybe myself. i took advantage of an oportunity to amke myself feel like shit for this brief moment. he came suprisingly fast.

i think he knew i was upset though and i didnt want to have a conversation about his offenses at 630am. he started complaining about gas prices and air prices and i just took that as an opportunity to vent my projections and frustrations. like - fuck off. life is shit and you won the god damn lottery. your anxieties are insignificant and bullshit, you are ungrateful and self centered and lack empathy for others. like you feel “guilty” but you dont actually understand how THEY feel. like watching kids in africa and youre like omgz so sad *sends coffee money*. like, please.

i tried to approach it from an empathetic point. we hae similar problems. we are both crippled by anxiety and finding a purpose / worth in life. we believe there are solutions “if we could just do this .. this would be better” and maybe we’re right. maybe. but the anxiety stops us. so i tried to help him with my own coping methods - he says he has too much anxiety to look at apartments. i told him to build it up, make it exciting, make it positive and follow through and then feel good about it even though it seems really stupid to have to put this much care and effort into a simple task. it still gets done, right?

he told me that doesnt work for him. i was like “oh”. i didnt know it was an option. when ive said this in the past he told me i wasnt trying hard enough, that i should do better.

this morning i focused back on me. i hope im accepted for disability. i feel stuck. i want a break. i dont need to put in physical hours at someones business to deserve a fucking break in life. that does not determine my worth. and it shouldnt be this hard. it shouldnt. but society wants poor people dead. they do not care about mental health - and you’re right, no one cares about you. very few people will ever feel the momentous weight of no nest at all.

so whatever, you know? you dont want to live with me? you dont want to spend time with me? then i just wish i had disability - not for the “quick fix” because nothing about it is quick. but for the opportunities it gives me because no one in the world can do anything without someone else. period. end of sentence. that is the true reality, that is what i absolutely know to be true in an experience which very few people have lived with and those who have would more than likely agree because most success stories are ones who have been elevated by someone or a system created by someones. i dont know a single one off hand that didnt have, “and then i met so and so and everything changed” or “and then i got this x opportunity through this person”.

i dont want to be paid for in life. i dont want to be supported. i dont even want someone to ust completely pay for me out of their own pocket right now. thats terrible. i couldnt feel goood about it, no matter how “easy” it would be. i want to pay my share, support myself, my habits, my life by my own means. which is what i do now while putting in copious amount of man hours into “womens work” to offset snacks and meals in what should be a “relationship”.

i feel like this weekend was a good sign of why i need to work on accepting my independence as highest priority in life. i deserve a family but i wont have one right now because life is not fair as much as it is not fair for people who suffer in war and poverty in third world countries. life is no different - we all live in the same timeline & world & existence so this is not completely unheard of and people do survive terrible tragedies. life is just not fair and for as long as human beings existed as sentient beings, we have been creating unfair scenarios for the benefit of ourselves. thats life. thats what i can know and breathe as life. you can never be surprised or shocked by the actions of a human being - theyre just unpredictable and yet predictable at the same time because no matter what they will create unfairness in some capacity. and it took me soooooooo long to accept this knowledge at all. i wanted to believe that unfair things just happened. like some random force in the world makes unfair things happen and if you do enough right things then itll be smooth sailing glory days. but thats not it. life is not a series of check points. random organic beings evolved seperately like a colony of a million ants and althrough a million ants can make a whole workng system, within those millions are a million different minds. and they need the fucking colony because individually they are nothing but ants. theyre just things flying around on a big ball in a vast nothingness and everthing all a the ame time. and theyre terrified you know? theyre fucking terrified because you dont know why the fuc you came to be. youre just brething and shitting and eating and sleeping. what in the fuck is the purpose to all of this? and maybe theres no answer and youre just here on this fucking big blue ball flying in vast nothingness. but within the colony, its easier to eat and shit and sleep and not die or be threatened by imminent death. and you have a job, you have some task that keeps the gears rolling in this system that suddenly is more important than whats happening outside because this is easy and anything outside is hard and terrifying.

but every being feels this. its not unique to one hero. its everyone. everyone evolved from nothing and inherited a really complex system that was supposed to make it easier to live and they hoped whoever birthed you prepared you appropriately for the system; if not, or if you’ve lost them, good luck.

but at some point almost everyone, perhaps everyone, comes to a point, even in the comfort of their parents, where they question their purpose on this ball. why the fuck are we here, why am i in this system, how do i use it to benefit me if outside is unimaginable? how do i not hate myself for it?

and thats where we begin to create individualized coping strategies. maybe its leaning on your parents harder while you question existence, taking 9 yrs to graduate school, hitchhiking across the country, doing recreational drugs, finding “instant gratification” in other humans and eventually, hopefully, you find what works for you. and once you do, it will be hard to convince you otherwise because thats what makes you “happy”. you are at full “easy’ in life where all the basic needs have been covered and you havent degraded yourself for it - whether it be sucking dick or working long hours at a shitty job.

so i find it hard to demonize anyone at all. even all the people who did me wrong. even all the shity actions described above - thats how they coped to find their personal “easy” because thats the very best you can get within this system because our agreed upon basic purpose in life is to make basic survival “easy”. perhaps our brains and mental capacities never considered what basic surivial truly entailed and maybe were not there yet. is it just breathing eating sleeping and shitting? of course, fucking is involved but thats a future survival of genetics and if you cant surviv until puberty, thats not even an issue. is it also tending to the care of emotional and mental development?

i feel like society as a whole, human beings as a group, despite the individuals who might go against the majority, but as a group, in popular culture, emotions & mental status are not an issue until theyve created one. so we are purposefully ignoring what weve evolved to know to be a necessity in basic survival. yes, grandpa was ‘tough as nails’ but grandpa was not a fucking robot and perhaps learned good coping methods such as active hobbies, a friend to talk to or maybe grandpa drank a lot. humans are not weaker now, they were dumber before. they had no idea that mental illness existed, that some could be preventable or treated. they did not understand the brain as they did not understand space, the oceans - this is one of life’s greatest mysteries and since we dont understand it we imagine it to have a grand capacity but everything has its limitations. i dont understand the brain at all, i cant fathom the idea of why a person can continue to learn and adopt new things throughout life but never consider what is insde of themselves and capacity they have or why. they’re just full of pride that they managed to ‘achieve’ a perceived limitation. anyone can do anything. whether you have the tools or opportunities to do so is completely different.

outside of genetic defects, everyone is made up of the same shit. no one is uniquely special or better. everyone, even ones with defects, needs to breathe eat shit and sleep. and thats where the unfairness comes in. for some people, in this system, their inheritance of privledges makes it way more opportunities to create “easy” things in their lives. why do they deserve this inheritance if we are all born as equals? no one as a baby did anything to deserve the opportunities or priviledges that set them up to inherit a better system. why did some babies get better opportunities thn others?

the system is unfair but you cannot change the system when it still “works” for everone else. you cant change it. it’s so unfair, it’s so completely unfair. but no matter how fucking unfair it is you still need to eat. you still need to shit. you still need to sleep and breath clean air. and thats why you work. thats why you keep working. i try to imagine why others have chosen what they have. perhaps their parents brainwashed them into the system and they had other priviledges and they just blindly accept what they “know”. i question why people buy alot of things they do. i wonder why they put value of themselves, like it was worth doing literal work to earn the money to buy a tube of lipstick? how does that factor easy? but i guess life had become so easy that the anixieties about the color of their lips are higher priority than the comfort of their next shit.

but THATS not the way it used to be. that would be the difference from grandpa to our modern world. and that frustrates me alot. i would thrive in a tiny home but at 27, and where im at now, thats like a dream i have for 20 mnues before entering real life again. its not going to happen. so how do i compromise right now? im walking wide eyed terrified alone on this big ball in vast nothingness, where do i find my “easy”? my inheritance was the same “strength” and stubbornness my parents had - no opportunity, no priviledge. i’ll survive, but it wont be pretty.

if i get disability, i want to move. although i want to go to college, that’s a really big step in life that i think i can just hold as a goal. i would like to go to college before im 30. considering i am still interested in my original course and its something that is recession proof and doesnt really require “upgrading” any skills in the future - it’s a totally feasible and good goal. so i want to move. and i could probably move anywhere in ontario or the gta. i mean not even probably - i literally can. i can go anywhere. i have friends here. but i made them all in the past 2 years, without working. i guess i “worked” but it wasnt “work. i found a way to make that “easy”.

i want to live a creative life. thats my pretty top priority in “easy independence”. i also want to accept that this is plan a b and c. theres no like, “well if this person comes along”. this is so desirable to me that it should take months of considderation to break down the intricacies of my own wants and desires and things i provided myself to decide to merge with someone.

so im trying to do that. and it takes alot of thinking because this is life or death for me. this is happiness or failure. this is being stable and content or homeless poverty. im “afforded the luxury” of living somewhere “safe” that i can afford as i think about these things. where do i want to move? i want to have my own place. even if its like my friends with no kitchen, i want my own place that i dont have to worry about someone else in. my curret place feels like a hotel or dorm room. i wan to feel comfortable spending time “alone” and actually be “alone”. id like to move closer to downtown because it was easier to walk around and had more ammenities. i consider also my doctor who woudve gotten me this opportunity and how important it might be to keep within travelling distance. but maybe its better to move?

if i went to college, it would be in the same city he wants to move to, pretty much down the street 20 minutes away. thats the real insult to all of this. i could have a much easier time but hes decided to make both of our lives very difficult. do i want to move there if he does? or regardless? continue this expensive routine of having seperate places? or commute to college everyday, five days a week? its close to toronto, on the subway line - a total change from my life now. my life perhaps ever.

i got the letter saying they got my application. it could take 90 business days to decide, which means i might not hear anything until november, maybe even december. which sucks pretty bad. but having even the glimmer of hope makes things “easier” for the time being. i still have this time to fill. and even if idid go to college next year, i have atleast a year before it starts. what do i do with the rest of 2017? he wants me to take a class. he told me also to start getting my liscence. i need a new phone to really kick off my new business idea and my desire to do anythng art related right ow is super low. i hate my environment. its cold and dark and damp and loud. i dont want to make anything, not even jewelry.

i was paid five days ago but ive done nothing but buy weed and smokes. i havent bought any groceries yet. truthfully i havent showered since sunday (maybe saturday) and i wasnt even home until this morning. i mostly want to sleep. ive smoked so much weed, im not even really getting high anymore. spend some time with my cats who i had really started missing. im expected to open the arts colletive back up and announce upcoming plans but im still trying to care. just, at all. i fell off the radar and dedicated too much time to him and im sad that i cant even be anxious to seehim because even thats pointless now.

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