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bunnywritesjunk · 7 months

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My King

Series summary: Your parents signed you up for an Alpha Omega Match company when you were eighteen. It took years for them to find your match, but you meet the giant austrian man. Will he be a good partner?

Chapter summary: You and König attend a holiday party.

Pairing: König x Fem Reader

Warnings: A/B/O dynamics (Never use this abbreviation without the slashes it is an indigenous slur) 18+ MDNI, vague racism, heat (omega verse)

Word count: 3.1k

Genre: Mostly Fluff a little angst here and there. Smut.

A/n: Omg....Hi guys......it's me.....hey.......I am alive. This chapter is defiantly geared more towards my poc readers. Theres some angst that i'll revisit in a later chapter. Some comments are made. You'll see. Anyways, I can't promise I will be posting super consistently but I will definatly try to post more then I have been.

Previous Chapter

Chapter Five:

Your editor droned on about deadlines and writing engines as you ate some soup König got you earlier. You can hear the desperation through the computer screen. You'd be lying if you said you were listening. They'll get the pages when they get them, with you, no money. König sat on the couch waiting for your meeting to be done.

“I'll get the next chapter done, Frankie.” You said.

“You promise?” He was almost teary-eyed.

“Yes, I promise.”

You hung up and closed your laptop while sighing. You got up and walked over to your giant Alpha. You outstretched his arm, inviting you to cuddle. You obliged plopping yourself on his lap and resting your head on his chest. The November winds were seeping into the atmosphere slowly. You didn't mind. That meant the holidays were coming.

“The 141 is having an early holiday party. Everyone goes on leave one week into December, so we celebrate early. Would you like to go with me, Schatz?”

“Oh yes, that sounds lovely. When is it?” You asked delightedly.

“This weekend. It's a dressy event.”

The weekend was in four days. You haven't done your hair or dressed up in a while. You'd want a new dress for this especially with the cold, but you supposed you could make something work. As for your hair, it was time to hit up a YouTube tutorial for some ideas. König seemed to sense your internal struggle.

“We can go shopping today, I need a button-down shirt.”

“You don't have a button-down?” You asked a little amused.

“Never needed one.”

“Huh, well I also want to get my hair done. But, I've never been to a stylist here.” You started searching for braiders in the area, and to your surprise, there were some.

The prices were comparable to ones in the US so that gave you some comfort. König looked over your shoulder browsing the different styles along with you. Some he has seen and others he hasn't. He chimed in with some styles he thought would look cute on you every so often.

“Oh, she has an appointment available tomorrow.”

“Book it, I'll take you.”

“I can take myself it's alright.”

“Nein. I'll take you.”

You grumbled a bit at his stubbornness but gave in. You booked the appointment and placed your deposit.

“How much is it?” König asked.

“Um, all together with the deposit, one hundred fifty euros. I was also gonna tip but I forgot Europe doesn't do that.”

König replied with a 'hmm' and tapped away on his phone. Your phone dinged and you checked the notification.

'König has sent you € 150,00'

“Kö, You don't have to pay for this.”

“Why shouldn't I? You are mine, You want it, I like it when you look beautiful, so I pay.” He said simply.

König had a habit of paying for everything. You liked it but it made you a little uncomfortable. This wasn't how you'd be treated back in the States. Whenever you mentioned it, König would always rant about how American men were cheap and lazy. He also would mention how he has more money than he needs so spending it on you is fun. König loves to see your little face light up whenever he buys you something sweet, or a piece of jewelry you were looking at. He told you to get dressed for the shopping trip and you obliged, making sure you were bundled up for the cold weather.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The two of you opted to shop for König's clothes first. Finding clothing that fits him nicely is a challenge with how tall and muscular he is. There were some stores specifically made for big and tall men that you went into first. One store only had bright floral patterned shirts and loosely fitting dress pants. Neither you nor your Alpha liked that. The next one had some nice boots in his size. They were a fancier version of combat boots. Finally, you found a simple black button-down shirt and slim tapered dress pants for him. You made him try it on before leaving the store.

My god...You had to keep yourself from drooling. The pants hugged his waist perfectly, and the shirt was just tight enough for you to see some muscle peeking through. König smirked at your reaction.

“You think this will look good with my sniper hood?” he asked.

“What?! You're gonna wear your hood and cover-up that gorgeous face? No way.”

“I don't show my face to anyone on base, Schatz.”

“Hmm, well you look good in anything so... I guess.” You pouted.

König got dressed and paid for his clothes. Nearby there were a few boutiques with dresses. You wanted something nice, but not too fancy. You didn't want to overdress. König was patient with you as you browsed a bunch of stores. Eventually, you found something you liked. It was a midi deep purple knit dress. It had elegant sleeves and looked like it could be dressed up or down. Perfect for a cold night. König sat on the bench of the fitting room as you tried it on. You came out and twirled giving him a full view of the dress.

“So?” You asked.

“Beautiful.” He motioned for you to come closer. When you did he placed a hand on your hip gingerly.

“I can think of many things I could do to you in this dress.” He said quietly.

“König!” You gave him a light slap on the arm and went back into the changing room embarrassed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next day you started prepping for your hair appointment. You had to wash your hair but the stylist said she could blow-dry it for you. You spent about an hour washing your hair and another detangling it. König kept you company on the couch as you combed and sectioned it out. You sighed and slumped on the couch once you were done. Your arms were a little sore but you were glad you were done. You put your bonnet on to keep your hair neat and moisturized. You made sure you had your tip ready and a book to read while you got your hair done. König stood at the door watching you pace around the apartment gathering your things.

The drive to the salon was quick and smooth. König gave you a kiss on the cheek before you exited the car. You opened the door to the building, and the smell of hair spray wafted into your nose. A tall woman greeted you as you walked in. Her hair was braided back into neat rows and her dark cheeks had a warm glow to them.

“Are you my twelve pm?” She asked with a smile.

“Yes, I am, nice to meet you.”

She guided you into a salon chair and got started. Her hands were quick, skilled, and gentle as she worked her way through your head of hair. In about two hours she finished. You admired your new do in the mirror and thanked your stylist profusely. König waited at a café down the street. You spotted him sitting peacefully at one of the outdoor tables, away from most other patrons. As you got closer he glanced up to meet and look at you. His eyes widened, taking in your new look. Although he had his mask on you could tell he was smiling under it. He stood up to greet you.

“You look beautiful, Liebe.” He leaned down to kiss your forehead careful to avoid touching your freshly done hair. You giggled bashfully and returned his kiss on his cheek.

The next few days went by quickly. You did some extra work and scheduled an editor meeting before the weekend. When Saturday rolled around, you were anxious. You wanted to make a good impression with your Alpha's coworkers. How do you act around military personnel? Your father never brought you around any of his military friends. As you got ready you just tried to keep an open mind and stay confident in yourself. Also, you will get to see Soap again. You slipped on your dress and spritzed a light mist of perfume.

You walked out of your room while looking through your purse to make sure you had all of your essentials. König was sitting on the couch but stood when he saw you. He was dressed and ready, looking over your form affectionately. You zipped around the dining room and kitchen making sure you had everything in order. König walked over to you, stopping you in your path. He slinked his hand around your waist pulling you out of your thoughts. He pulled you into his chest gently.

“Relax, Schatz.” He purred. You looked up at him and gave him a nervous smile.

“I think I left my wallet in my room. Do I need it? Should I bring a gift?” You rambled.

König pulled your wallet out from his back pocket and handed it to you. He shook his head and gave you a small smile. His sniper hood was hanging haphazardly over a dining room chair. He led you towards the door swiftly grabbing it and opening the door. You followed him out reluctantly.

The drive to the base was uneventful aside from your occasional worrying that was quelled by your alpha quickly. You can't help but feel more on edge than you usually would, but you can't put a finger on why. König pulled up to the massive, barbed wire-lined fence. A man in full military gear and a large gun strolled up to the window. You hadn't noticed that König out his hood in a while back. He rolled the window down and quickly flashed his ID to the soldier. The man nodded and waved his hand in the air. The gate slid open almost painfully slowly. König placed a hand on your thigh as he drove slowly through the base. It helped calm you for the time being.

There was a large building with a few dozen cars parked outside. König Parked the SUV rather haphazardly a good distance away from the entrance. When you opened the door you heard faint music coming from the building and lots of voices and laughter. Your alpha lapped the car and met you on the passenger side. You started to walk towards the door but he stopped you.

“What is the matter, Schatz?” His eyes softly gazed down at you.

“Nothing is wrong, I'm fine.” You said quickly.

“If you are uncomfortable, we can go.” He gently caressed your cheek., his scent enveloping your senses.

“I'm ok, I'm just a little nervous.” Deep down you knew something was off, but you were confident you could get through this night.

“Shcatz, You forgot your collar.” König said nonchalantly.

You gasped and your hand flew up to your neck covering your exposed scent glands.

“Oh no! Why didn't you tell me? Now I'm gonna stink up a storm in there.” You turned around embarrassed and even more on edge.

Your Alpha said nothing, he simply opened the back door of the car and pulled out a small black bag before closing the door. He spun you around by the waist to face him waving the bag in front of you. You glanced at him unsure before taking the bag. König gave you a small nod waiting for you to open it. Inside was a large square jewelry box. When you opened it it held the most beautiful gold metal collar. The one you looked at from the boutique a while ago.

“König....” You truly didn't know what to say. Tears pricked your eyes but you quickly wiped them away and replaced them with a smile.

“Thank you, Alpha.” You said while wrapping your arms around his middle.

He held you close and kissed the top of your head through his hood gently. He pulled away and took the collar out of its box. He clasped it around your neck locking it with the provided key. It fit perfectly, you could barely tell it was there. König held the small key out for you to take but you shook your head.

“Keep it safe for me Alpha.” You said giving him a warm smile.

Although you couldn't see his face, you could tell he was happy you trusted him with the key. König held out his elbow for you to hold and led you towards the event. You were still nervous but you brushed it off, you had someone there to protect you. The large hall was buzzing with conversation. Most people were sitting around in large groups having conversations and others were at the bar. There were string lights hung all around the ceiling giving the place a relaxing atmosphere. König led you to the bar eager to get a drink. Parties are not you or your Alpha's natural element.

He ordered a beer for himself and a gin and tonic for you. As you waited you glanced around taking in the different people. You were probably one of the very few omegas. You could tell who was military and who wasn't very easily. Some were still in uniform, others wore masks or dog tags. Some soldiers brought a plus one but it was a minority. Out of the corner of your eye, you saw a figure approaching. You turned to see a familiar mohawk.

“Hey! There they are!” Soap exclaimed pulling you into a bone-crushing hug. You could smell the alcohol on him.

“Hey, soap.” You eked out while being squeezed.

Soap turned to König and gave the large Apex a hug as well. König grunted, a little uncomfortable with the contact but patted his back affectionately.

“We've been waiting for you two to get here, everyone wants to meet the Colonel's Mrs.” His Scottish accent was thick and slightly slurred.

The bartender set your drinks down and you quickly scooped yours up and took a sip. Soap led both of you away toward a group of men. You lingered behind König slightly allowing him to greet the group first. Soap announced your name loudly sparing König of the burden. You waved shyly giving everyone a small smile. Everyone greeted you and your Alpha before returning to the conversation they were having. You were grateful the attention on you didn't last as you could sip your cocktail and listen to the drunken ramblings of the soldiers.

As the night dragged on, you met various people. You chatted with Ghost a bit and met Captain Price, as well as Gaz. Though the drunker people go the more rowdy things become. You sat on a chair near the group, only on your second drink. Your Alpha was loosening up after four. Soap suggested they go out to the field and play football, challenging Ghost to a team match. The whole group along with some others from the party joined them outside. König glanced over at you.

“Will you be ok if I join them?” He asked gingerly.

“Of course, go have fun.” You gave him a reassuring smile.

You watched him follow his coworkers out of the door into the frigid night. You decided to hang out at the bar as your drink was almost done. Although the night has been fine so far there was still something nagging in the back of your head. You plopped down on one of the bar stools and ordered another drink. Good thing this event had an open bar. You scrolled on your phone for a while not noticing how fast an hour has passed. An Alpha sat on the bar stool next to yours sighing loudly. You didn't bother acknowledging him as many people have sat there in the time that has passed.

“It's a nice night huh? Not too cold.” The guy said in a European accent you can't place.

You looked up from your phone. “Oh, are you talking to me?”

“Yeah, I am. So uh, are you a new recruit or?” He raised an eyebrow.

“Oh no, I'm just a visitor.” You glanced back at your phone hoping he would leave you alone.

“I've never seen an omega like you.”

“An omega like me?” You looked at him puzzled.

“Yeah, you're so exotic. I thought omegas like you have to stay in your own countries.” He said while taking a sip of his drink.

“Well, that's rude and extremely ignorant.” You scowled at him.

“Come on, it's a compliment. I mean I knew your kind your be spicy but damn.” He chuckled.

You took that as your cue to leave. And you stood up from the bar your felt a tug on the crown of your head.

“I mean, is this even your real hair?” He rubbed the hair he grabbed in between his fingers.

You ripped away from his grip. “What is wrong with you?! Don't touch me!” You yelled. Everyone at the bar turned to look in your direction.

“Relax, I'm just joking around.” The Alpha said trying to diffuse the situation.

“You don't touch a random person's hair, who raised you?!”

You felt a hand rest on your shoulder gently from behind. The Alpha you were confronting turned pale.

“Schatz? What did he do?” Your Alpha asked lowly.

You turned to face König anger still written all over your face. As angry as you were, you wanted this to be a teaching moment for this young Alpha. You turned back to the Alpha who was standing up now sweat forming on his face.

“Nothing Alpha, this guy just needs to watch where he's going, right?” You eyed him carefully.

“Yes! Yes, I'm very sorry miss.” He looked down at your feet.

You looked up at König who seemed unconvinced. He was staring daggers into the young Alpha. You saw König take a deep breath closing his eyes while doing so. When he opened them he looked down at you.

“Time to go, it's a long drive home.” He placed a hand on the small of your back and led you out.

Some people glanced in your direction as you left. You couldn't help but feel embarrassed. You hurried to the car in an effort to get out of the cold. König opened your door for you and helped you slide into the passenger seat.

“I forgot something inside, I'll be right back.” He said quickly shutting the door and storming back inside the building.

You couldn't tell if he was about to torture that soldier or not. But you did what you could, if he gets in trouble it's his own fault. König came back out no more than two minutes later. As he started the car, you got cozy relishing in the heated air.

“What did you forget?” You ask him.

“I had a project for Ghost, I had to tell him about it.”

“Hmm.” You responded, not buying it completely.

As your Alpha drove, the gentle rocking of the car lulled you to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

König shook you awake gently. “We're home.”

You stirred and sat up stretching gently. You felt warm, a little too warm. Did you drink that much? You followed König into the apartment and kicked off your shoes at the door. That's when the cramp hit you. It was so painful it made you dizzy causing you to stumble. König caught you by the arm and ushered you to the couch.

“Schatz? You're burning up.” He laid you down and hurried to the kitchen.

You felt the sweat forming on your brow. Your heat had come early. You whined into the couch cushions trying to breathe through the dull achy pain. König brought some water and sat you up to drink.

“Why didn't you tell me your heat was coming?” he said concerned.

“Early...it came early.”

taglist: i hope i got everyone

@that-fangirl-1106 @itsryuken

@midwesternwitchery @hiken-no-stark @rouge-swears

@gxdsmonsters @the-chaotic-cow @a-gay-cryptid @smutslutsposts @wybwtjmiadz

@somanyminidragons

@tizylish @thychuvaluswife

@luvamps @ghostslittlegf @justkillme2005

@fishballgr3mlin @mitrr @simpytheshrimpy69 @maladaptivedaydreamingbum @sweet-can-of-beer @immajustlikeok @dinonacho

@undeadgod @multy-fandom-lover @cloudyyjanee @bobafett-tea @mxkaylaj @evilcherries

@warrior-of-justice

@banshee-darling @beebeechaos @lolitsthings @backgroundgirl887 @jayhoneybeecomb @flooftoof @virginalsacrifice @magicleopard69 @johfaam @warrior-of-justice @jesses-wonderland

@zalyluvvs @backgroundgirl887 @beebeechaos @bitchoftoji @urfavsunkissedleo @emmbny @capricorn-anon @sigthechild @justkillme2005 @ghostslittlegf @fieldsofbats @magicleopard69 @cassiecasluciluce @kenz-ee @mysticfire0435 @floralarcher

#konig fluff #konig mw2 #konig cod #konig x you #konig x reader #könig call of duty #könig fanfiction #könig #alpha könig x reader #alpha könig #alpha konig #alpha/beta/omega au #könig mw2 #cod mwii #könig x reader #könig cod

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short-black-diamond · 8 months

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please can you do bf headcanons for kaiser and sae and rin please (fem reader)

thxx

yeheeheheyyy

German vocab: "Schätzchen" = cute-ification of "treasure"

---

"That's my boyfriend!"

Kaiser:

Ayo how I hate that bitch

Please don't request stuff about him in the future

But him as a boyfriend?

I guess he'd be pretty chill, but he'd like to have you on his lap a lot

like, in that one chapter where he examined Isagi, he'd for sure have you on his lap, while trying to figure out what made Isagi so different

and he'd just--- stroke your thigh?

Idk I think he would do something like that

anf then hmmm...I think he's rich

not filthy rich like Reo, but pretty rich

I think he'd also spoil you? like--he'd sometimes buy you jewellery, but other than that, he would buy you other stuff, which is much more useful

like, one time he bought you a new tablet because yours got coffee on it

his coffee

soccer dates don't @ me

he'd try to teach you soccer if you didn't already know how, and if you did, he'd have you running after him as he always took the ball away right under your heel

It was funny, and you were happy to see your boyfriend laughing and giggling when he teicked you over and over again by dribbling the ball around you, before he gave you a small kiss to your cheek and scored a goal

"Jeez, you need to do better if you want the ball, Schätzchen."

You huffed. "I hope this wasn't an insult.."

"I'd never insult you, ____."

You guys would also go through Germany, with him showing you a lot of sights and taking pictures of you, then some selfies and would also buy you a cute souvenir.

he's a gentle lover, who gives you soft kisses and holds your hand softly

I think he'd also bring you to a viennesse ball, just to dance viennesse waltzer with you with an expensive, victorian dress he bought you as you two danced the waltz in old fashioned clothing in an old fashioned building with old fasioned people

bonus points if it was a masquerade ball

(imagine if he told you he'd meet you at the ball and mistake another girl with you, thinking that it was you, and you arriving to him dancing with another girl who had similar features as you...just imagine the heartbreak...the drama...I'd dance with Ness then, just to spite Kaiser...maybe I'll write a fic about that?)

Sae:

If you read my last post, I guessed -correctly- that Sae's an ass guy

Excpect your butt to be warm and squeezed at all times, babe

No but seriously I'm so proud of myself for being right about something I didn't know was already canon

*pats my own shoulder proudly*

He's busy

He has to train

but if you want to come with him, he won't stop you

When he was with the U-20, and he agreed for you to come with him, he hated it the moment you stepped foot in the room where he and his team was in

Imgine the bloodlust he felt when Oliver and Sendo touched you and flirted with you like there was no tomorrow (they didn't know that you were together with sae)

"I'm Sae's girlfriend..?", you then said and Sae hugged you from behind.

"Yes, I am her boyfriend, so take your filthy hands off of her.", he seethed.

Safe to say, the two didn't really listen as they just kept flirting with you, and they got to feel Sae's wrath on the field as he just kicked the ball into their face and crotch area

Other than that, I'd expect him to be very clingy

he looks touch-starved

give this man some love

After practise, he would always take a quick shower before cuddling with you on his bed and just take a small nap, letting you do whatever you want, but don't move your legs

he once turned you around on your stomach with force before he just---let his face fall onto your ass cheeks

you have no idea why he has an obession with your butt but oh well

Rin:

Another touch-starved baby

But he enjoys your company, speak, the first weeks of you dating him were silent, but he always had a small smile on his face

but let me tell you- he blushed madly when you held his pinky with yours

it was actually the first time you touched him

boy couldn't breathe

what have you done ____???

However, as the days went on, Rin initiated the touch more and more, and after a few months came the first kiss, with him kissing you softly, but his lip was trembling

And a rin with a beet red face came to view

I think he'd talk very quietly to you, I don't know why, but I just--do, you know?

Like he only wants you to hear what he has to say to you.

and you love it

also expect him to buy you stuff you don't really need?

I mean, he means it in a good way, but do you actually need an owl plushie in all its natural colors?

"Rin...why?"

"I-I like owls...! ...and, you're my girlfriend...so I wanted to give you something I like.", cue him looking at you sadly, but with innocent eyes.

yeah, you kissed him breathless after that little confession

also like-- I don't think any of the blue lockers have a dominant bone when they have an s/o at first, which means that the boys would also be shy

and I can just imagine Rin taking many tries before he actually asks to hold your hand, or takes nearly an hour more time from his busy schedule to buy you flowers you weren't allergic to, but which you also haven't received yet

he's the type who'd try to bake you cookies, and only have a small error, like either not enough sugar or cocoa, or idk what

---

Okay and that's it! I hope I nailed it, tell me if I didn't!

Read you guys in the next post!

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sawyerconfort · 9 months

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enjoy the silence | lorraine broughton x fem! reader

I am back! Finally, I hope you didn't mind my disappearance. I decided to take a little break from the stories because I felt like I really needed to rest, and I was running out of creativity. I also went traveling this weekend and didn't have time to write as I had planned, but anyway, I'm back and that's what matters!

As I said in the previous post, I will be focusing this week on writing multifandom oneshots, and maybe an ask or two will be answered over the weekend, so those of you who sent in asks, please be patient with me, as always!

Well, taking into account the lack of stories about her, and taking into account that in the last few weeks I gained a boost of obsession with Charlize Theron, let's do a oneshot with Lorraine!

This is fem!reader, but if you feel comfortable adjusting your pronouns in it as you read, feel free!

Enjoy!

Requests open!

*Atomic Blonde is such a badass movie, oh gosh, I can't!*

-----------------------------------------------

Premise: As you tend to Lorraine's wounds, some things become crystal clear between you. Things that had apparently been kept secret for a long time…

***

You were used to being alone after all the other male members left. It was your most precious moment of peace, when none of them were making fun of you or making sexual comments about you. It was the only time, as one of the top MI6 officials, when you could be silent, focusing on things other than missions, The List or anything else that risked your life.

Turns out that night, it was different. You were concentrating on an electrifying chapter of your science fiction book, when you heard the door slamming loudly. A low, whispered curse and you turned, taking the book out of your eyes to look at who it was.

The thing is, you never took the time to talk to her personally and properly. Lorraine Broughton was one of MI6's most gifted and well-known spies, and newcomers joked that she had been with them since their beginnings in the Stone Age.

Someone of extreme importance like Lorraine apparently didn't have time to listen to your bullshit.

Your eyes met and she took off the black collar that covered her mouth, her platinum hair giving extreme emphasis to her scarred face.

"Good evening, agent (Y\LN), I thought there was no one here."

Hell, she knew your last name! How was that possible?

"I was just leaving, Lorraine, don't worry," you said, trying to sound at least reasonable so as not to cause a fuss with her. But then, as soon as you got up, you noticed her ripped pants, a hideous trickle of blood running down one part of her leg, and her face streaked with red streaks and very swollen.

She looked back at you, the weight of those pale eyes taking over you, and then, your voice was categorical, hoping she wasn't going to dump your ass, not this time.

"Need some help tending to those wounds? They look pretty bad…"

She looked at you, and with the same restful face, she shook her head. "Don't waste your time, I'm fine. It happens all the time."

"Lorraine, your leg is bleeding. We better look into this."

"Don't worry, (Y\N), go home, I can take care of myself."

You chuckled, already being aware of her stubbornness. Lorraine was good when she wanted to outsmart someone in an interrogation, especially the guys in the company, but you weren't interrogating her this time, so she didn't have to act so defensive.

Deciding not to let her go without tending to her wounds, you hurried out and opened one of the cupboards in the cold, dark corridor of the office. The sound of the creaking door obviously got Lorraine's attention because everything was extremely loud in that dark office. Grabbing a first-aid kit, which was only used in emergencies by high-ranking men, you pulled out a chair and gestured for her to sit down.

"I already told you I'm fine, (Y\N), I can take ca-"

"Sit down, please." You didn't mean to sound domineering, but it was unavoidable.

Lorraine rolled her eyes and sat up, legs spread, not intending to cross them. She wasn't going to make the job easy for you, but of course it wasn't a problem anymore. You opened the first aid kit and took out some gauze, cotton and bandages.

"Please, let's not turn this whole thing into a moment of silence, if you want, tell me how you managed the feat of getting all screwed up…", you said, gently swiping the cotton wool over her eyes and lips. , cleaning the blood.

Lorraine gasped and pressed her lips together, feeling the pain of the contact. "Are you sure you work for a spy team, (Y\N)?" You rolled your eyes as she took a deep breath. "It was a chase. Several guys shooting. One of them threw me on the glass table and I ended up cutting myself… not new to me, really."

You continued to gently dab cotton and gauze over the bruises, and her clear, intimidating eyes never left her face as you did so. It was even uncomfortable to look at, such beauty, staring back at you as if it were something normal.

"And how are the guys doing?" you asked curiously, determined to keep her distracted - and to keep you distracted too.

"Dead, I guess. It's not news to me either, they would keep chasing me if they lived and I needed to get rid of them to save my skin…"

You nodded, at the same time that you bent down to get some ointment from the first aid kit and began to run your fingers along Lorraine's injured leg, the blood still very fresh where the glass had probably been stuck. She's lucky she didn't hemorrhage, you thought absently.

"Is that really necessary?!", Lorraine exclaimed, pulling you out of her thoughts, her voice very firm and a hiss of discomfort escaping her lips.

"Unless you want to catch a bacteria, maybe," you replied in the same tone. She laughed and rolled her eyes.

"Okay, okay, you call the shots," she snapped. "Look, it's actually really weird that we've never crossed paths, (Y\N), you seem to know what you're doing."

You nodded, getting up, closing the ointment and putting it back in the first aid kit, as you sat on the edge of Lorraine's chair, her legs keeping your body steady.

"It's hard to come across an agent that the boys keep like a precious jewel inside a password safe…"

She laughed again, and only then did you stop to notice that her smile was beautiful. Your heart missed a beat, but you didn't know if it was envy or some much deeper feeling… And before you knew it, you pushed those thoughts away, afraid of the answer.

Whatever the case, Lorraine Broughton was not the type of person you thought was ideal for the type of person you were. Not as friendship. You could only support yourself within the walls of offices, and despite being called an agent, you were afraid to even fly a plane.

"Is it over yet?", she woke you up from your thoughts again, looking at you with a playful smile. "Yeah, it wasn't so bad after all."

"Yeah, but that's because the bad part starts now!", you said, holding the bandages, which were those children's animal bandages. "You can choose between the giraffe bandages, or the flower bandages, you call the shots, Lorraine."

The smile faltered on your lips as she frowned, clearly confused and uncomfortable, not sure if it was a joke or not.

"Seriously?" she said in disbelief. "Who let the guys buy this?"

You shrugged. "Make a choice, Lorraine."

"I'd rather go without bandages."

"Ah, come on! You're going to make a childhood dream come true! Your inner child is crying out for it, go ahead, choose one!"

"Okay, the giraffe one then.", Lorraine said, in a monotone voice, as if she knew she would regret it the moment she left the office and walked down the street. You laughed, calmly sticking the bandages on her wounds and caressing the skin with your fingers, to fix them better.

That took Lorraine by surprise. Until then, she hadn't known that she could feel that same electricity from a simple touch. She looked back at you, and allowed herself to relax as you finished gluing them all together. At the end, you noticed her look and bit your lip, also caught off guard, completely embarrassed.

"You're free, Lorraine. Now you can even take off the bandages while I'm not looking, I know you're going to do that…", you said, joking, just to ease the tension. But it didn't help much.

Her eyes were too bright in the dim light, and that perfect, even bruised face that looked as if it had been sculpted by angels only made it worse. You were extremely tense and nervous around her, and not in your best dreams, did you imagine that you would feel this way with Lorraine, when you saw her.

"Thank you, (Y\N). And I'm sorry, I think I've been quite rude to you in the meantime, you just wanted to help me get better."

"I don't mind, I'm used to agents' patience…", you laughed again. And he got up, going to put the suitcase back in the closet and close it properly, so that none of the others would notice that you had even touched it.

Lorraine was still staring at you when you looked back at her, and a smile graced her interested expression.

"How long have you been working with us, (Y\N)?", she asked, her deep voice dropping to almost a whisper in the silence between you.

You stopped to think, to remember, to count on your fingers, as you went back and sat in the small space of her chair, as before. Not to tease her, it's just because that was her usual chair and you had this habit of taking possession of things.

"A few months. Five, I think… I'm not good with numbers and dates…", you explained, laughing. Lorraine nodded. "Before you ask, this definitely wasn't the plan since I was a kid, but it seemed to me that I had a knack for it when I had my first experience here, so… yeah, maybe it was nice to get this job."

Lorraine nodded again. "And are you happy here?"

"I think so. I'm sure I do, actually. I don't think I fit in anywhere else right now, honestly."

"That's good, this work is not very easy, there are few people who manage, in the natural order of things, to stay for so long."

Lorraine was still looking at you, and nervousness was still very much present in her body language as she did so.

"And do you have… a boyfriend, (Y\N)?"

You frowned, caught off guard.

"Sorry, that was a weird question."

"No, I don't have a boyfriend", you replied, shaking your head. "It wasn't a weird question, you're just trying to get to know me better…"

Lorraine nodded again, scratching her forehead and looking at you, intent on knowing more. "And are you looking for someone? Or are you completely focused on work right now?"

"Ah, MI6 is my life, yes, but I wouldn't mind breaking that routine to find someone I can share my days with, you know…"

Lorraine looked away, and oddly enough, you noticed that there was a flush in her cheeks. Now, that was something you would never have thought to see, not in Lorraine Broughton.

"You say "someone", so… is someone really someone?"

"Are you asking me about my sexuality?"

Lorraine shrugged. "You don't have to answer that if you don't want to."

"No, I don't have a problem with that, I… I'm open to experimenting, actually. I want something that takes me off my feet, and makes me see whether or not it's worth risking everything."

Lorraine nodded again and her eyes glued to your lips. The tension became even more palpable between you, and when she took the opportunity that you were close to pull you close, seeing that you were going to fall out of the chair if you went any farther back, her inner will spoke louder and she kissed you, absolutely nothing, without expecting you to respond.

If it was someone else, you would have walked away and slapped that person across the face, but that didn't happen with Lorraine. You were so surprised when she kissed you that you just responded. She thought maybe that would ease the tension of the moment, that it would make it easier for you to talk, and she was so beautiful it was impossible to resist.

She was the one who pulled away first, gasping for air, and she opened her clear, beautiful eyes to look at you, her hand hesitating between your hip and your leg.

"Sorry, I really don't know why I did that, I…" she started, but you cut her off, your index finger on her wet lips.

"No, that's fine, I enjoyed it… and actually… I think I'd like to do it again, if you don't mind…"

She laughed and kissed you again, this time letting the moment flow by itself, last as long as it should. You were being drawn, like magnets, to each other's lips, and now it was impossible to break the contact. Lorraine's charm didn't help either, and she ended the kiss after a few seconds with a peck on your cheek.

"Well, I better get going now that you don't need me…" you said, feeling all awkward and embarrassed. Lorraine got up and let go of your hips, and just as you were about to walk through the door, she called out her name.

"Don't you want a ride home, (Y\N)? I think it's too late for us to walk alone…", her voice was full of ulterior motives, and as much as you would love to take things easy, have the chance of a lifetime with Lorraine Broughton made you want to find out where this was going to go.

To be honest, you were under the impression that you wouldn't regret it.

#lgbt #romance #oneshot #imagine #atomic blonde #lorraine broughton x reader #charlize theron #charlize theron x reader #angst #fluff #i was thinking about doing this with a smut but i changed my mind #i mean i'm not too good at smuts and i didn't want to mess this up #lorraine broughton is so daddy coded it's such a crime #wish she was my spy girlfriend btw

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moccabunie · 4 months

Text

things I've learned after a year writing fanfiction

This is a post from a non-writer who, apparently, now writes (❓) And this is a little crazy to me, considering that a year ago writing less than 1k decent words took a lot of effort. But this year I have completed a +100k project. (It's still difficult, though.)

I found out that the more I wrote, the easier it was to get into the story. So I think that being captivated by my own story has made a lot. I am an eager fanfiction reader, but I had yet to really try to write something on my own.

That was until I got hyper-fixated on three characters and wrote a small story about them sharing a room, and it was one of the funniest and most rewarding things I've done. So I was like "oh, maybe I can try to imagine stories I would like to read?"

(1) story one - a bird told me to wait

The first thing I considered was to make it completely self-indulging. The second was to make it as evocative as possible, not only telling what was happening. I like sensations and emotions, so I really wanted to write things I would like to feel as a reader. I wrote this story, and after that, I added a second longer part because I was enjoying it a lot. I used to doodle about the characters and make small annotations about their dynamics, but there wasn't really a lot of planning here.

(2) story two - beneath the moonlight

My second attempt was a three-chapter story (not so distant from the previous one that can be read as three parts too). But for this one, I wanted to challenge myself because I wanted to explore new themes and tropes, so I made a brief list of the things that should appear here. (but honestly, I just wanted to write a soft mating bite scene lmao, because I was super into a/b/o at that time.) I used keep notes app this time.

I barely showed explicit themes here but I got to enjoy the story anyway. This one wasn't difficult to write because I felt familiar with the characters. It's a light story but these 20k words gave me the courage to take a step further. I said to myself

"stop being a coward. you have enjoyed this. keep writing."

(3) story three - lucid dreams

This one was planned for four or five chapters, quite in the same line as beneath the moonlight. But, and the keyword is planned, it became a full 13 chapters as I developed the story and the characters. If I wanted it to be coherent then I needed to explain the things, build the context, and introduce the world. But it was also an experimental work. I took my notebook and listed the new things I wanted to try, such as - write in past tense - write first and edit later

my process was something like this • imagine random scenarios with pretty imagery as I listened to music • doodling the characters doing things so I didn't forget • open the notes app to write random sentences and dialogues in the middle of the night, I'll find a place for them later • dream about the story and daydream about the story

as for the physical notebook, I have scribbled A LOT there during the writing process.

(a little bit chaotic but functional enough)

One thing I wanted to keep in mind was the evolution of the characters, or in other words, how they were gonna be at the start and the end of the story. And this made things a lot simpler because it gave me an insight that was helpful whenever I had to decide what kind of decisions the characters would make along the story.

Parallelly, I was aware of my narrative flaws, as well as there was a lot of vocabulary and grammar that would escape me in a different language. So I used the notebook to do writing research. Some of my pages were like "how to write action scenes," or "tips for flat scenes." Whenever I felt blocked I read again these pages.

I'm going to copy down here some tips that were useful during the writing block days.

• read another book or fic you like, since sometimes, getting yourself caught by another writer's style can help you to flow through your own. • scroll on pinterest and try to find pictures that capture the vibe of your story, maybe try to describe them or setting a scene in a similar environment that you can see? • changing the setting (for example, day to night, or sun to rain) can add more variants and ambiental tools to play with. • or, changing the character's pov. maybe a scene feels flat because it's narrated by the wrong character. • use objects, not just the characters.

(4) finishing a story

To have an insight into the plot, I wrote the main scenes in really short sentences. That was useful for the first chapters, but suddenly I had 70K words of the story and a lot of details to track. Frequently I had to split chapters into two parts because the "short sentence" became a very long scene. See this comparison: the scenes' guide in the last chapters usually are fragmented into shorter scenes. That's how I avoided losing my mind as I wrote (?)

These are a few tips that were useful to me during this last part.

• write the important plot points as they are mentioned so you can come back to them later and don't forget about them. • keep a scrip to annotate significant things about the characters to make the story consistent. • notion pages is a great place to make inspo boards (usually I added 4 pictures for each scene). During the last chapter, I used the to-do list tool to keep track of the closed story points and the things that were yet to happen • list some of your favourite past scenes, those that have been nice to write, so you can pursue the same vibe again.

The last two months writing the fic I joined the nanowrimo to keep myself motivated but also to have an impulse. My only goal was getting the habit of writing everyday, not minding how many words (usually it was around 400-600 daily). I ended that month with 16k added on my wordcount (to me, that was a lot!). Since I enjoyed that little challenge, I did the same on the next month, resulting in finishing the fic :)

The most important thing during this time was remembering myself from time to time why I am doing this. Let me say I am an utter perfectionist, so I would easily get trapped in making-the-story-perfect, which would end in a writing block. So each time this happened I repeated to myself that I didn't want to write a good story. I just wanted to enjoy and have fun while writing a story, so I should write only things I enjoy. And this simple thing was incredibly helpful whenever I wasn't able to continue a scene.

I think that this is what most writers say, but now I have come to understand that it's true: just have fun. Write what you wanna read.

(5) the next story - requiem of the sleepless

This would be the third part of my first fic. I miss these unhinged boys and I have a little draft of (unholy) things I want to happen to them! Now I want to unlearn everything I know. I want this story to be zero planned, I just want to ~feel~ the characters and make a lot of random things happen. This is about not forgetting why I started, so here I am again.

Being a non-writer writing.

thank you for reading ♡

#writing #writing tips #non writer #writing fics tips #fanfiction writer #fic wip #my post #bsd #writer tips #writer experience #ao3 writer #god help me #it all started because I read a fic so good I became obsessed #and because of fyodor my forever babygirl

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marengogo · 11 months

Text

5: Marengo & The Rainbow Avengers

Take Two - by BTS

[Music is a very big part of my life and I’m MOSTLY INCAPABLE of writing without music, so I just thought I'd share what I am listening to while writing this]

–🐺–🐺–🐺–

I meant to post this yesterday, in honour of their birthday, but, 24 hours never seem to be quite enough do they? So, here it is, the SUPER-LONG-DETAIL story of how Marengo was unexpectedly saved by 7 Rainbow Avengers, also known as BTS.

CHAPTER 1: MY HEART WAS BROKEN

The date was January 27; 2019. ARASHI japanese boy band that debuted in 1999 got together and in front of a well organised, and somewhat serene, press setting, televised to their fans all over the world including myself, announced that they would go on an indefinite hiatus starting January 1, 2021. Not sure why I wasn't expecting this. This was the first time they every did something like this, and the tell-tell signs had been plenty, but still, had I been ready, it still would have hit as hard as it did.

I remember silently crying, as Ohno their leader and my bias, who is the one in the middle of the above picture spoke and told us how, basically. he was tired and just wanted to spend his time on his boat fishing his days away. Fishing had always been his passion, but he also always dreamed of becoming the captain of his own ship Monkey D. Luffy watch out!. ARASHI had quite a few of their own shows and in one of them (Arashi Ni Shiayagare) we the fans, and the other members, got to cheer him on as he studied to get a licence to drive a boat. He succeeded, got his boat and for the rest of that year’s show he’d take us on adventures with his boat, fishing with famous Japanese celebrities as guests it was still a show after all. Every time he was on his boat he looked so fucking happy. So when he finally made the announcement, yes, I was shocked, yes, I was distraught, but ultimately I was happy for him. Just a whole STORM arashi means storm of emotions really.

You need to understand, at that point, I had been their fan since 2009. If my Japanese is at the level it is right now, 1/10 of it is definitely thanks to them, since I used to regularly translate all their songs, dramas, shows, etc. To imagine I only started listening to them as a fun way to help me study Japanese … Anyways, back on track … their announcement happened on my 10 year anniversary (their 20th) and I remember the following day coming back from work, with their music in my ears, stopping at a traffic light wanting to cry as I kept thinking about them and right in that moment, I looked up at the big screen and so the following ad:

That evening was the first time I actually EVER seen the boys. Before that evening I had only heard about them, A LOT, and now in hindsight I know why. The first time had been some time in 2017, while I was looking for japanese articles to translate, I happened upon one that was about ARASHI, obviously, I got super excited and decided to read it. Only to find out how this journalist was basically describing why according to him ARASHI stood no comparison against this 7 boy band sensation “called BTS”. I was so irritated by that article I didn’t even bother to read their country of origin and for the longest time I decided they were Chinese 🤡. Mind you, I never once thought of BTS even after reading that article, my mind was ARASHI ARASHI ARASHI FOR DREAM! but that evening when I saw that ad I hated them. So I walked away, sad and angry O THE DRAMA! 🤡 but just like the first time I heard of them, I never thought of them again.

2020 rolled in, and just right before COVID, I started exploring new things on the internet amongst which I discovered a certain at the time budding actor and become a big fan not about to give myself out, so I won’t tell you who 😜, Let's call them X. What does a fan with extensive editing knowledge do? Why fan-edits of course! So I started making edits of X, and one day, as I was helping make X trend on Twitter for an event they were attending, on my timeline a particular video kept reappearing. So I clicked:

CHAPTER 2: I WAS LITERALLY SPEECHLESS AND MESMERIZED

Within ARASHI, only Ohno could actually dance, but these boys ... these boys could ALL dance and apparently they also sang, some holding one hell of a tune, and that beat, ooh the entire production…: JUST WOW. I must have watched the video another 10 times at least and all the while it never got old, in fact it only got better with every listen; so I then ended up adding ON to my playlist.

This day was February 25, 2020 and this is the date I unknowingly became ARMY and also the day I celebrate my anniversary on. Now you need to understand, my COVID days were mostly making edits of X, supporting X, trending for X on twitter so at this point I didn’t have the thoughts of wanting to find more about BTS. In my head, I found a song I liked, and thought "cool, I guess I don't necessesarily have to hate them ..." I quickly looked up JUNGKOOK because you don't belt a not like that and act like it didn't happened and kept it moving.

Couple of days later, I’d start working on my first edit of X which blow up. This edit was was made using this one song I heard on a compilation which was circulating on twitter, it had a “certain dancer named Jimin” doing high kicks. The background song they used was named; UGH!. Sure, the dancer was hella skilled … but that song, I couldn’t stop playing the clip and though it was probably because of Jimin, my brain decided that it was the song can’t believe I found the exact edit!!! 👇🏾

Did I realise that UGH! which took me forever to find as I didn’t understand it was the name of the song at first 😂😂😂 was sung by BTS; as in THE SAME BTS I apparently didn’t hate so much anymore? NOPE. It didn’t even occurred to me because THAT BTS was a 7 member boy band not a hardcore 3 member rap group 😬😬😬. Anyways, I became obsessed with UGH! And as one does when in confinement, I started looking for people who would share my same enthusiasm, and since I had already fallen into the world of reactions on youtube for TV series THANKS A LOT COVID 🙃I thought I’d look to see if there was anyone who would react to songs, in this case, UGH! By the rapper group named BTS still to this point I had NO CLUE that they were the same people… I had to download an mp4 version from the internet in order to do the edit, so I didn't even know if it came from an album or where else and what I found was:

youtube

They were hella excited and I really could relate with that because that song always made me wanna turn the fuck up, but most of all, they were black people interested in something asian, and that for me was something I could heavily appreciated. Everyday I kept coming back to watch that reaction because it just made me so happy, and gave me so much energy, so I decided to see if they had any more songs from this rapper group. The first video that came up was their reaction to ON KINETIC MANIFESTO. THE AMOUNT OF DOTS THAT STARTED CONNECTING IN MY HEAD WERE SO MANY YOU’D THINK I DISCOVERED THE THREE LAWS OF EINSTEIN!

You should have seen my face when I discovered that UGH! was on the same album as ON: 🤡. This also made me want to look up the one member whose features really appealed to me the most, not gonna lie to y'all, it was love at first sight: RM. Wanting to know who he was I went on wikipedia, typed BTS and kept clicking every members name until I found him wikipedia has them ordered by age. I started reading about him and chuckled when I found out he was the leader what can I say, i seem to have had a type! aaaand he thought himself english and that made him even sexier in my eyes. When I tell you I spent a couple of days being obsessed with Namjoon 😬😬😬 ...

Anyways, I think a part of me wanted to start being invested, thus, before continuing watching more reactions with FoSquad I decided I wanted to listen to MOTS7, in its entirety, by myself and aside from ON and UGH! The only other song that I absolutely adored was Filter. AND SO began my search for the uncredited female singer that sang Filter, whom I couldn't find anywhere, NOT A SINGLE GOOGLE PAGE HAD THE NAME OF THE FEMALE SINGER THAT SANG FILTER ON ONE OF THE BIGGEST ALBUMS OF THE YEAR. For a couple of days this is what my google search looked like “What is the name of the female singer that sings Filter with BTS”. … 🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡

CHAPTER 3: A THREE MONTHS BLINK

Not finding an answer with regards to the mysterious Filter Singer and also concluding that the internet was still so lacking on proper representation of Asian artists, rather than me being the one who was dumb AF, I went continued my supporting X life, while constantly listening to ON, UGH! and Filter. Eventually, it was time to make another X edit, meaning I needed to search for new songs and since X was obsessed with BlackPink I decided to give them a chance and at the time the most recent song was SOUR CANDY feat. Lady Gaga. It was very Gagaish I just so happen to really like Gaga and the beat was perfect for editing, so I used it. On top of that, I joined X's I don't remember how many days countdown to the premiere of “How You Like That”. As I said, X was obsessed with BlackPink, hence, I became a Blink for 3 months.

The day How You Like That dropped I was just as excited as X and at the time I was staying with my directors at their place and they became my "covid bubble". The 3 of us were trying to save our company during COVID inactivity, which meant that during the mornings it was an incessant string of calls with lawyers, with rightfully desperate landlords chasing for money we didn’t have, third parties also needed money we didn't have ... basically, just a whole lot of heavy grinding. But in the evening, we'd cook dinner and we’d all watch a movie once we had quickly gone through the most recent Queer Eye season, even Queer Eye in Japan! and after they’d go to bed, I’d step up, talking with my X Twitter GC, while watching other shows and right before going to bed I'd watch How You Like That to get my spirits ready for the next day.

This was my routine at their house, every day from the release of that song, for a good 2 months. When August rolled around I decided to go back home, as the situation with the company seemed at least a bit stable. So it was back to self-distancing by myself and to my own surprise I didn’t feel the urge to listen to BlackPink at all. X was all that really mattered after all, and they had stopped talking about them, for the time being. So one early ass morning on August 21, 2020 I just so happened to be awake and twitter was buzzing with people waiting for a new BTS song to drop. As I was already awake and had another hour waiting for X to appear at their interview event, I decided to silently wait with ARMY; I did like ON after all. Thus, came Dynamite

CHAPTER 4: LIKE AN ECHO IN THE FOREST

youtube

It was nothing like ON. So at first I was a bit confused and didn't know what to think, as it was clear that I hadn't understood their genre. Yet, somehow, that boy winking at me at the end of the MV kept making me want to replay the song and before I knew it I was “shining through the city with a little funk and so-oul!”. Eventually, I looked him up and found out that the cute boxy smile boy with the light blue outfit’s name was V. Just as easy a name to remember as RM. By all means, he wasn’t RM, but that smile just was the cheekiest thing I had seen in a while.

But there was another person that was also FINALLY "introduced" to me through this video, the one who was my mysterious female voice and "UGH! dancer": JIMIN. Not sure why it didn’t connect with ON but the second I heard his voice in Dynamite DOTS WERE CONNECTING LEFT AND RIGHT, AND IT WAS FINALLY CLEAR IN MY MIND THAT SHE WAS ACTUALLY A HE, WHO WAS PRETTIER THAN A SHE AND SANG & DANCED LIKE AN ANGEL 🤯🤯🤯. ... Basically Dynamite introduced me to VMIN.

It goes without saying, my queer-senses were all over the place with Jimin. So, as i usually do, not at all knowledgeable of the South Korean culture, I dove into the internet to ask and see if JM was part of the community: nothing came up. In fact, it was full of people going to a great length to explain why there was NO WAY IN HELL THAT JM WAS QUEER. Funnily enough, as I kept trying to look for connections between JM and the community, all that came up with connections between RM and V and the community (as they had made posts and connected with queer people, music, etc). The strong denying of any sort of connection between JM and Rainbow nation did discourage me a little, NGL. I had spent a year trying to not fall for queerbaiting and I didn’t want it to happen again. However, as I didn’t want to jump the gun since I didn’t quite know them at all, I decided that even though he wasn't a Fred Mercury he perhaps was a Bowie or a Prince. I was okay with that and decided to close that rainbow chapter at that AT THE TIME, BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW WHERE I STAND NOW 🤡.

The weeks following Dynamite things around X’s management start to look very dodgy and fishy. As a fan you want to be positive, hope for the best, but as more and more evidence was brought forth I had to start to at least dissociate X from their company. This really made me and my X-friends incredibly sad and pretty disenchanted I will admit. Day by day we tried to look at the bright side but, it kept looking rather grim and right about that time somehow I was exposed to STAY GOLD and LIFE GOES ON. Thought Stay Gold wss the one in Japanese, the one that stuck with me was Life Goes On. I remember walking around the still empty studio we hadn’t been able to reinstated none of my colleagues with Life Goes On playing rather loudly. The comfort that song provided me in that moment I will never be able to explain. Is probably the same feeling older ARMY have with Spring Day. Life Goes On came to me in a moment when I really needed to hear those words, gently and promising, like an echo in the forest.

As it started to become clearer that X was just as cowardly as their company I took a break from my Twitter page, which also just so happened to fall around Xmas time, so I got to actually have a real break with my sibling away from all that nonsense and into a different more secure looking world.

CHAPTER 5: WHO IS BTS?

I spent a good deal of my xmas break watching people's reaction to BTS, their story, their struggles, their MV. Through these reactors and “BTS experts” I was introduced to SOPE. In my baby ARMY experience they came as a set, Ying&Yang, one the opposite of the other, at least this was how majority of the old BTS edits and explaining videos would portray them luckily we now have many updated and more extensive videos out there. While watching all these compilations I also eventually learned all their names and started watching RUN BTS from episode 1 when I figured out tha utmost of the edits were from there I thought “Let’s go straight to the source, if I want to learn really what they are like”.

The first thing that became pretty clear to me was that for example HOBI and YOONGI weren’t quite exactly like the compilations had been describing them all of them in fact. And it wasn’t like all the boys tried to act reserved or hide certain parts of themselves, they seemed so open that if people paid even just the smallest amount of attention they would know. So for the first time in a long time I found a group that wasn’t giving me doubts, worries … I really didn’t have to think too much but at the same time I knew that if I ever fell back into being depressed from my post-COVIDic environment, they’d also be able to find me down there, because they didn’t seem to shy away from those situations either.

Going back to RUN BTS real quick, the one thing that it did for me, was introducing me to none other than KIM SEOKJIN. Before I knew it I always found myself following jin on the screen, waiting for him to talk and say a pun or dad joke, or just wanted to see and hear him laugh … I developed a crush for Jin and a small pointy edge every time someone would leave comments on youtube like “why is jin even in this band”, “ there is a reason why Jin dances in the back”. “Jin is not even handsome”. GURL/BOI/ENBY. Taking a break from X meant I would stay well away from Twitter, so I had no idea about BTS proper solos, antis, etc and like a moth to a flame, I’d fall for any troll and start defending Jin against the world. MFers … how dare they disrespected him like that! AND IN FRONT OF ME!

That being said a person called me a Jin-solo in a comment and the second that happened I was about to reply that "Yes I love Jin-" the implications of being a solo, COMPLETELY lost on my Baby ARMY ass but the second i started typing I immediately thought of Namjoon, and then Jungkook, and Jimin ... eventually I thought of all members and realised that I liked each member for different reasons and I couldn't choose one. Further research would eventually teach me that meant I was 0T7.

On my way back from my Xmas break I decided that I would stop associating with X and just move on with life. On my journey back home we were told we had to be Lockdown again, which really depressed me, but as if it was second nature, I played Life Goes On and tried to think of any positive thing. So I got back home wanting to watch more BTS reactions, while listening to BTS and wondering what Jin was doing. And from that moment on for a good month I’d go into my still empty office but this time knowing we could start calling back at least 2 of my colleagues, which made me so ecstatic sit down with my coffee and say “Alexa, play BTS” and Alexa would reply “Shuffling songs from BTS” and ALWAYS the playlist would start with a familiar whistle …

And the rest is history 😜.

So who is BTS? They are the 7 boys that came to my rescue when I felt heartbroken. The 7 boys that had so much skill and love to share with the world and wanted for me to join and not be left out. They are the boys that never pressured me into needing to like them, but somehow were always there when I unknowingly needed them. They are the 7 boys who reminded me that it was okay to not be okay and just go with the flow of things, even if it is against the flow of all. They are the 7 boys that keep trusting us with their everything and all they ask in return, if possible, is to be there, at end of this gigantic rainbow. And that is exactly where I plan to be. I am so grateful for all 7 of you and words could never describe how much I love you.

HAPPY 10TH ANNIVERSARY MY RAINBOW AVENGERS.

Always incredible respectfully yours,

Marengo.

#Youtube #BTS 10th Anniversary #Marengo World #I LOVE YOU SO MUCH BANGTAN

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softlyspector · 8 months

Note

Hello! Forgive me but this is gonna be long bc I have so much love to express.

I've been following you for YEARS and I have always felt too shy to message you even anonymously bc I just thought "there is no way I can express to this person how their writing makes me feel" but Blush made me feel so violently happy and content I literally had to go and take a walk in the sunlight while listening to the 2005 pride & prejudice soundtrack to properly digest how much i adored it. And so I've decided that I simply HAVE TO tell you how much I love your writing.

I think I first came across your blog when you had posted somewhere between like.. maybe 3-5 fics? And I've always been someone who reads for comfort bc there wasn't always a lot of comfort in my life. Reading was an escape. And as soon as I started reading what you wrote I just thought to myself "wow. This person gets it. Like they UNDERSTAND. I can't pinpoint what they understand but they UNDERSTAND" and I can safely say that I have read everything on this blog at least five times. I told myself that this message can't get outrageously long so I am just going to highlight a few favourites but just know that everything you write makes me go "how does she DO that? How does she have such a way with words???"

Okay so Hard Landings. Listen to me. Listen. Listen listen listen. For YEARS my friends have been trying to get me into star wars and I could just never do it. And then I read Hard Landings and fell in love and immediately had to watch the sequel trilogy. When i tell you that every word of that fic is poetry to me. When I tell you that I think about it constantly. To me, Poe Dameron is now just... yours. Like sorry to Mr. Oscar Isaac but Poe belongs to YOU.

Tales Untold. Every time a new chapter was posted I had to do a breathing exercise. I got so excited. Whenever I reread it I fall in love all over again. It's like watching a movie to me, every description is so vivid and beautiful. Hollywood could never.

Significant? Yeah this is a Hard Landings repeat bc my friends had also been trying to get me to watch The Mandalorian and I wasn't interested until you started writing Din. And then I fell in love. THE POWER YOU HAVE. Me, giggling and twirling my hair bc of your Significant-verse? It's more likely than you think.

AND THEN THERE'S HONEYED. Even when I reread, I have to put my phone down bc some parts just make me too emotional EVERY. SINGLE. TIME!! You are such an artist. I have felt understood by this fic in a way that I don't think I've ever been understood before. Feels like you shook my soul until coins fell out of its pockets with this one. In a good way. In a great way. In the BEST way.

I want to shower you with more praise but this feels like it is already obnoxiously long enough. Should I refer to myself as "obnoxious loving ranter" or something every time? Was this too much? Idk I was just filled with so much affection and gratitude it needed to be expressed. Have a great day. Enjoy your favourite beverage. Know that I am mentally hugging you if you would like that sort of thing. You're great.

Hi my dear there is absolutely nothing to apologize for 💕 I'm so so so flattered that you've been here, following along for such a long time. You've really been here through it all.

I'm so glad you liked Blush so much. I can't believe it was the one to draw you out and into my ask box! Honeyed is very special to me, so it means a lot. My words being the thing that made you feel like there was someone who got it? Who understood? I don't have the words to describe what that really means to me, especially because half the time I don't know what I'm going on about until it's on paper, living here with you all on this silly little blog. Sometimes I get replies and think, oh, this person gets it. I said something and they heard me, even when I didn't really know what I was trying to say.

Ahem, on to your looks into my fics. No, I'm not crying don't worry about it.

Hard Landings....my only Poe fic. I can't believe I'm what pulled you into star wars...twice! Poe is just such a little delight to write. He's such a fun and kind and wonderful character. I miss him a lot.

Tales Untold. My heart on a plate. Can't say much else about it. I loved the little community that sprung up around it. I'm still blown away by how strongly people reacted to it and felt about it.

Significant.... another of my beloved. I never thought it would get the reaction it did. I'm still floored by it. I just...I think every fiber of my being just loves Din Djarin. And that came out in that fic. It was also one of understanding. Of accepting someone as they are. Of holding up a mirror and saying, this is okay.

Honeyed. I'm glad you loved Honeyed so much. In a lot of ways, I was shaking my own soul around and seeing what would come out. I'm glad you could feel seen and understood in Joel and Honey's eyes.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this ask, and all the others you've sent like it, which I will get to. It wasn't too much, I'm glowing with love. I am mentally hugging you back, if you would like that sort of thing.

#bec talks

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alwayslovingharry · 2 years

Text

Rolling In The Deep

A/N: Here comes the second chapter of When the music finally starts, part 1. The second part will be posted next week also on Saturday, I'm going to advance that it's called True Love. I think I'm going to start posting things on Saturdays, but no promises.

previous part

PAIRING: Harry Styles x Hailey Foster (1Dmember!reader)

WORD COUNT: 4.3k

WARNING: Not an english native speaker.

SUMMARY: Hayley gets ready for her Valentine's Day.

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14/03/2017

A relaxing shower listening to Adele was just what I needed. Since New Year's I've had almost no days off, and I can assure you that I've travelled more this month than during my first world tour with the band. If it wasn't a modelling show in London, it was an ad campaign in New York and if not a meeting in Los Angeles.

Since the boys and I decided to take a break from the band I've been trying to start a modelling career or at least trying to start making a fashion image of myself. I've always loved design and the fashion world so, to get away from the music world for a bit, I thought modelling or starting to collaborate with brands would be the best option.

That's why I've been so busy having meetings and attending events to get the attention of brands. Now my management is in meetings to start collaborating with Dior and Versace, whether they want me as a model or as an advertising image.

"If you don’t get out of the shower right now, I'm going inside to take you, I don't care if you're totally naked," I hear my best friend shout from outside the bathroom, snapping me out of my thoughts, it seems my relaxing time is over.

I step out of the shower through the mist that has been created in the bathroom and roll my hair up in a towel before I start drying myself off with another towel and put on my pyjamas. Olive has come to my house to help me get ready for my Valentine's date with Jack, he had insisted that we were going to one of the best restaurants in London as I was going to be here for a week without any events.

When I come out of the bathroom, Liv is lying on her back on my bed staring at her mobile.

"It's about time! We're short on time and I have to do all your make-up and hair," she says as she locks her phone and throws it on the bed before jumping to her feet.

"There's still 3 hours before he comes. "I walk over to my dressing table, where all my make-up and everything else Liv will need is, and sit in the chair, looking at myself in the mirror.

"Yeah, but we need to dry your hair, do your make-up and make sure the shoes I've picked out look good with the dress Jack gave you, we don't have as much time as you think we do."

"I'm sure you'll make me perfect, Liv."

"We'll see..." she replies as she towels the excess water out of my hair. "Although I'd rather leave you with an EMO style, see if I can't scare off that stiff boyfriend of yours. "

"Olive..."

"What!? We all think the same, it makes you boring and it’s like you've got a stick up your arse, also you can't say he's not a compulsive control freak."

I try to answer but she turns on the dryer, preventing me from being able to say anything because I can't even hear myself.

Jack may be uptight and his lifestyle may influence my character and my own way of living life. But managers have always said that it is good publicity that two childhood friends have fallen in love after meeting again years later. Besides the fact that the companies that belong to Jack's family are very influential and it also gives them a good image that the future director has a serious and stable relationship, like ours.

And yes, Jack knows that my contracts with my managers allow them to decide about my life, although I'm sure he knows very little about the clauses in the contracts and what I am or am not obliged to do. The only people who know exactly what my contracts prevent me from doing are Louis and Olive, my best friends, who I told what they were because I needed to share with someone why I can't do what really makes me happy most of the time.

"He's not a compulsive control freak," I reply as she finishes blow-drying my hair and is picking up the irons to curl my hair.

"Hailey, where are you? Hailey I don't think you should be wearing that to that interview. Hailey I think you should stop making music for a while." she tries to mimic Jack."If he could I'm sure he'd put a tracking chip in you so he'd know where you are at all times."

"He's just worried about me, it's nothing to worry about..."

"It's nothing to worry about? You donated your hair over a year ago and you still keep your hair above your shoulders because he says short hair is more businesslike."

"I like it short like that, I barely have to style it."

"Hails, I cut your hair when you donated it and your literal words when I was done were "I can't wait for it to grow out so I can go back to doing a high ponytail"."

"I said that because of the change, I went from a mile-long mane to shoulder-length hair." I make it up trying to sound convincing.

"If you say so...I like your short hair, any haircut would look good on you, but you had such a well-cared for and beautiful mane...I loved all the braids and hairstyles you did. "

You're not the only one who loved it.

I look in the mirror, noticing how short my hair looks now that Liv has curled it a bit. Having short hair is very comfortable, but I always liked having long hair. I used to love being able to do all sorts of different hairstyles and I really miss it.

"You know, I think I'm going to let it grow back, it's time to go back to my star look," I smile at my best friend through the mirror, and she does too as she finishes curling my hair. "I'm going to cancel my haircut appointment this week. "

Olive finishes and picks up some of the front strands to make two braids and pin them together at the back of my head with a small clip. She has always been good at doing my hair and I love being her test model.

Just as she is about to start the make-up, the doorbell rings.

"It can't be Jack, it's over two hours away," I say standing up and walking out of the room with Liv following me.

"Maybe he sent you flowers or some of his usual crap to make him look like the perfect gentleman," Liv replies as we walk down the stairs to the door.

"I don't think so, he's not the flower type."

I open the door to find a delivery man with a tablet on my little porch.

"Hailey Foster?" the delivery guy asks looking up, he's a middle aged gentleman and doesn't seem to recognise me from having been in the best known English band of the decade.

"It's me."

"Sign here, please." he hands me his tablet with a stylus pen so I can sign.

Once I've signed and handed him back his tablet, the delivery man bends down and picks up a small box from the floor with a bunch of sunflowers on top.

"This is for you," he replies as I take the flowers and pass them to Liv so I can take the box from his hands.

"Thank you. Do you know who sent it?" I ask.

"No. Have a nice day."

I stand in disbelief as the delivery man walks down the stairs and out of my small garden and into his van before I go back inside and close the door, turning to look at Liv.

"Did you see how rude he was?" I ask Olive.

"A man of few words," she replies with a shrug, "Did Jack send it?"

"I don't think so, sunflowers and sending me something like this doesn't seem like his style. "

"Well open it, maybe it's some fan, they've finally found your lair."

"Ha. Ha. Ha. How funny you are Liv, but no, I moved out when the band broke up so they wouldn't bother me and I don't think they've found me yet." I start walking up the stairs looking at the box in my hands, it looks like a normal package.

It must be a coincidence that a delivery arrived today, maybe the flowers were sent to me by Jack, maybe he has finally learnt which is my favourite flower.

I get to my room and sit back in my dressing table chair, leaving the box in a recess on the table. Liv enters my room with the bouquet still in her hands and sets it carefully on the bed before she sits down next to it as well.

"What are you waiting for, open it!"

"Maybe it's some Amazon order I didn't remember, Liv, maybe it's nothing. "

"An Amazon order that isn't packaged with an Amazon box and comes with flowers included on Valentine's Day, you are not buying that yourself."

I watch as Olive looks at me in the mirror, waiting for me to react and open the box. We both know she's right. I don't usually order things, I prefer to buy them in person and if I had ordered something it would be very strange if I didn't remember ordering it.

"Open it, it'll be something Jack wants you to wear on your date. "

"Surely." I reply as I take the box back into my hands, turn in the chair so I'm facing Liv and carefully remove the ribbon that closes it." Maybe it's another Valentine's Day present. "

I open the box to find an envelope, another smaller box and two notebooks along with a small bag of Love hearts.

It doesn't look like something Jack would give me.

"Hails, there was a card in the flowers." says Liv, I look up from the box to see the small envelope in my friend's hand and take it, as Liv takes her first look at the contents of the box." I don't think it was Jack. "

The small envelope now in my hands is completely white. I look up from the small envelope, meeting my friend's blue eyes staring back at me.

"What are you waiting for, open it!"

"I'm doing it, no need to yell," I reply as I dig my fingernail into the envelope and peel back the tab, only seeing a white card with something written on it before tossing the envelope to my best friend." I don't think...I'm not going to read it now. "

"But do you know who sent you all this?" she asks without looking at what's on the note yet. "Because if you don't want to know right now, I'm going to read it."

"I don't want to think it's who I think it is...he's given me things like this before, it wouldn't be the first time. "

"All right..." Liv replies as she takes the little card out of the envelope and reads it to herself. "You can tell Mr. Styles that he can also give me gifts like this for Valentine's Day, I would really appreciate his thoughtfulness. "

"I thought after he didn't send anything last year, he'd never do it again."

Ever since we'd met, Harry had always given me something for Valentine's Day. Flowers, a necklace, a book...every year he'd given me something that meant something to us. Except last year. When I didn't get anything last year...I thought it meant he would have accepted that we could never be anything, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

"Well, it looks like he hasn't lost faith in you guys...that he sent you this means he doesn't think all is lost."

"But he can't do anything, he doesn't know about the contracts."

"The truth is that he doesn't have a contract that explicitly obliges him not to go out or have anything to do with you..."

"But my contract directly affects him if I break it."

"But he doesn't even know that! I always thought those contracts you signed must not be legal at all. It must not be legal for your managers to decide who you can and can't have a relationship with!"

"They're the ones who help us get to the top, they must have something to reassure them that all their efforts are worth it."

"Fucking managers with their stupid contracts..." Liv dramatically throws herself back on the bed, making me laugh." You're not going to want to read the card? Or open anything he sent you?"

"I don't think it's a good idea to look at presents from a guy who has a crush on me just before I go out with my boyfriend to our Valentine's Day dinner," she smiles sadly as I take the card from her hand and slip it into the box all the presents came in, closing it without looking inside again.

"You've been in love with him since the moment you saw where your smoothie ended up when I threw it at you in the queue for your audition.

"You and I both know that with our situation it never could be and never will be, a miracle would have to happen for Harry and I to have any chance."

"A miracle or you stop accepting other people deciding about your life."

"Those people have helped me achieve everything I have and without them I wouldn't be where I am."

"But at what cost?"

"You're dramatising it too much, Liv," I reply as I get up from my chair and put the box with what Harry has given me under my bed, "It's not like I've sold my soul to the devil, I have a boyfriend I can have a future with and I can't say I'm not happy, all my dreams since I was a little girl have come true."

"You have a boyfriend who loves you for your image and for all the publicity your relationship gives his company. You can't say you're fully happy either because you're not." Olive gets up to the vanity and grabs one of the makeup brushes, I sit back down on the vanity chair and she starts to apply my makeup.

"You don't know anything about my relationship, you think you do but you don't. "

“You can try lying to yourself, but not to me. I'm the one who listens to all your complaints, in case you forget. "

"Look, Jack wants to have a future and that's something I'm happy about, to know that someone wants me in his life. "

"And Harry? Do you know what Harry wants? Because he does too many things for you, like sending you a present like this, he does too much to be someone he doesn't care about being in his life."

"But Harry...Harry has to succeed, that's what he's always wanted. "

"But he loves you too. "

"I doubt that, let alone if he found out the truth, he'd never risk losing everything he's worked for all these years. "

"You'll never know without talking to him, avoiding him isn't the best solution, it's hurting him more and it's hurting you too."

"It's not my fault he's obsessed with me."

"He's in love with you and you're in love with him! Do you really know what you really want in your life? Do you want this?"

"I just want to be happy...and be successful, to reach the whole world with my music and the things I do."

"Well, thanks to Jack you stopped making your music, because he told you that maybe you should take advantage of the band's hiatus and take your time without composing or performing. You like the fashion world but everyone knows that your life is music. "

I remain silent as she searches through her bags for what she needs. I know she's right, but it's not as easy as just throwing it all away and running off to tell everything to Harry so we can have a happily ever after.

"Do you want me to tell you what I see from my outside point of view of all this?," she asks as she puts a bit of makeup on my eyelids and I just nod, "I think Jack might want to marry you but you want to be with Harry and Harry wants to be with you...and I think you should say 'fuck Jack and all the contracts' and give Harry the chance he deserves. You can make it to the top together, you and Harry.

"It's not that easy, Liv, I'm not even sure I want to risk it all to prove it. I can't just throw it all away without Harry telling me if he wants to risk it or not, I can't just fuck up his career because I want to."

"Well you should ask him, shouldn't you? That's why you need to talk about all this. Although if he told you all that the last time you met and he's given you something again on Valentine's Day...I think he's willing to risk it all for you, Hails," Liv continues to finish my make-up but I decide not to answer again.

I know Olive is right, Harry has never refused anything to be together and he has proved it to me several times. But I don't know if I want to risk everything we have both fought and worked for.

Olive finishes my make-up shortly after and I get dressed right away. We both avoid going back to the same subject and she stays until she's sure I'm perfect for my date, she may not like my boyfriend but she wants to make sure "her best friend is a hottie" on Valentine's Day.

It's been almost a quarter of an hour since Olive left and it's more than half an hour before Jack comes to pick me up, my mobile rings above my bed. So I finish putting Harry's flowers in the vase on my dresser and turn to get my phone. Figuring it's Liv saying she's forgotten something, I pick it up without looking at the name as I sit on my bed.

"Happy Valentine's Day, Haileybear."

"Lou! I thought you were Liv" I laugh, Louis likes to give me absurd nicknames from time to time.

"You make my heart ache by insinuating that I look like your crazy friend," Louis jokes, Liv has always gotten along great with all the boys but with him she has a very very weird brotherly love-hate relationship." And you haven't even congratulated me on Valentine's Day, I thought you really loved your soul mate enough to be able to congratulate him on Valentine's Day.

Happy Valentine's Day, soul mate," I reply getting a laugh from Louis on the other end of the phone, "Are you in London or Doncaster? I need to see you. "

"Neither, I'm in LA recording a couple of things and I was on Late Late with Steve yesterday. But I'm sorry, I don't think I'll be back in England for more than a few hours for almost three weeks. "

"Why?! I need to see you Louis, I'm only going to be in London until the end of the week and then I'll be back and forth again until the end of the month or early March..."

"Harry is in Jamaica with his crew recording his album and has offered me to go with him to relax and enjoy the Caribbean."

I knew Louis and Harry were as good friends as Lou and I were, but that didn't mean I wasn't jealous to hear that Harry had convinced Louis to go to Jamaica.

I didn't convince him to come on any part of my trip to Europe but Harry offers him to go to Jamaica and he goes straight for it.

"That's great...I'm glad."

"My flight is on the 25th and I fly back on the 4th of March to London and I'll be staying for a long time, maybe we could plan something just for when I come back or you come back, after Jamaica I'll be back in England until the end of April unless there's a change of plans" proposed Louis, knowing that I didn't like not being able to see him.

"Sure, we can try.

"Great!" exclaims Louis. We'll have to talk about it later, and by the way, I haven't asked you, how was your Valentine's Day? Jack?"

"He should be here soon, we're going to dinner at the Ritz restaurant."

"The idea doesn't seem to excite you..."

"It's just, I'd rather it wasn't so formal, I'd rather have a pizza and movie night at home and spend the whole night talking about anything...I'd prefer it simpler."

"And then you say you don't like clichés..."

"It's not that I don't want a cliché, what I mean is that I'd prefer something more personal, just the two of us, but..."

"With Jack nothing is like that," Louis finished with a sigh, "Hails, you know you can tell me everything, what's up?"

I took a deep breath and got ready to blurt it all out.

"Harry sent me his usual Valentine's Day presents again and... I couldn't help comparing him to Jack. My boyfriend may have given me an expensive, stupid black dress from Channel, a dress he probably had one of his assistants buy for me without even seeing it. And Harry has given me my favourite flowers with a card and a box with things that I don't want to look at because I'm sure I'll end up crying, because I'm sure that everything he sent me is something that he has prepared and that he knows I'll like," I say without taking a breath until I finish, I know that with Louis I can be completely honest about all my problems without him judging me like Olive usually does, he understands what it's like to have contracts that limit your life and he knows that we have a limit.

"Harry is one of the cheesiest, most romantic and thoughtful people I've ever met, don't ever compare his gifts to anyone else because he'll always win."

"I didn't expect him to send anything this year, last year he didn't send anything."

"Well...last year he did want to get you something but...he didn't know your new address," Louis hesitates and I can imagine why.

"And how did he know it this year, Louis?"

-Okay, I can't fool you, it was me. But I told him on X Factor because you left him devastated and he looked like an abandoned puppy, I couldn't say no when we started talking. " explains Louis. "He's my friend too. "

"I know, Lou, it's okay."

Louis doesn't answer, I know he's waiting for me to continue talking.

"Just...do you think...should I tell Harry everything or should I just leave everything as it is?"

"I know you're in a very difficult situation and I wouldn't know quite what to do either but...I think you should have talked it over with Harry from the beginning. You may have had problems but at least you could support each other at this time and you wouldn't be suffering separately. Maybe you could have hidden your relationship or something. He cares about you a lot more than you think he does. "

" And what about Jack?"

"I'm not too worried about that asshole either, honey," Louis replies clearly making me laugh." I know he's your boyfriend and all, but you deserve someone much better who appreciates and values you like you deserve."

" Lou, you're going to make me cry and Liv will kill me for ruining her makeup."

"Harry has always shown you that he loves you, he values you as it should be. Not like the attempted boyfriend who only uses you for marketing. "

"So should I tell him? Should I tell him that I've been lying to him all these years? "

"I'm not saying hang up and call him right now but you could try talking to him about it when it's time and you feel really ready. "

"I don't want to fuck up anymore, Lou," I sigh, I'm tired of all this trouble. "What if Harry gets mad at me like forever?"

"Harry has never really been mad at you and I can assure you that everything will be fine, you'll see."

Just as I'm about to answer Louis the doorbell rings and I look at the clock on my bedside table. For once Jack seems to be on time for one of our appointments.

"Lou, I've got to go, Jack just got here.

"You know, if you need anything call me, no matter the time difference."

"I love you Lou, I don't know what I'd do without you."

"I love you too Hails, take care of yourself." he replies before hanging up.

I get out of bed and take one last look at myself in the mirror in my room to make sure everything is okay, I love the make up Liv has done and the braids she has pulled up from the front of my hair are beautiful.

Before I leave my room I pick up the jacket and bag I'm going to take with me and head downstairs. I open the door to find my boyfriend looking up from his mobile to look at me with a smile.

"Happy Valentine's Day," he says before coming up to me and giving me a quick kiss on the lips.

"Happy Valentine's Day to you too."

"Are you ready?"

"Sure" I smile as I walk through the door and close it, Jack smiles at me and offers me his hand to walk to the car, where a driver is waiting for us.

to continue...

next part

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Thanks for reading and I hope you liked it, please leave any comments or leave a like it if you enjoyed it.

See you soon :)

#harry styles one shot #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles #harry styles fanfic #harry styles soft fanfic #harry #harry styles x famous!reader #music #one direction #styles #harry styles x reader #harry styles blurb #harry styles x you #harry styles x y/n #harry styles x singer!reader #harry styles x model!reader #harry styles x 1Dmember!reader #love

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academyofbrokenhearts · 3 months

Text

Of Dreams and Late Night Talks

Suna and Kaya finally have that important talk. One-shot.

Author note: This is a companion piece to "Of Nightmares and Late Night Encounters" - it happens in the same blurry AU and undefined timeline where Kaya and Suna actually get the chance to get closer. Initially I debated with myself whether to just write it as another chapter for that particular story, but I already had a different title in mind, so I just posted it as a separate piece.

I am not a fan of episode 54, but I do like that we found out more about how life was for Kaya as a kid. The conversation he had with Halis was actually the inspiration for this piece, and I really do believe that he will eventually open up to Suna as well about his trauma. She would understand him better too.

AO3 link here.

Lately, Suna's sleeping pattern has been anything but regular.

Most nights, she lies awake on her back, eyes dry, a million thoughts galloping through her head. She thinks of Seyran, of her mum's illness, of her father who still recovers (Suna hates this particular train of thought so much, because she hates her father, but she also loves him, and it's confusing, and it's scary), of İfakat and her threats, and, more often than she would like to acknowledge, of Kaya.

This is one of those nights.

She doesn't really see him that often during the day, not since he joined the family business, but he's always there at breakfast and dinner, and, when they are together in the privacy of their room, he never fails to ask her how was her day, or to listen to her when she feels the need to rant.

Before going to bed, she had shared with him again her fears about İfakat and Orhan, but he had told her not to worry, then had added in English, with an ironic smile: "They cannot kill us in a way that matters," his smile turning into laughter when he had seen her frowning.

"Kaya, are you really joking about this?" she had asked, a bit exasperated, because for him it didn't really matter if he got kicked out of the mansion, didn't it? He had a mother to turn to, or he could even go back to England, if he wanted. Unlike her, he had options.

Then she had watched in wonder the bitterness and sadness in his eyes.

"My life was over anyway before all of this," he had said, then had refused to elaborate when she had asked for details.

Now, in the still of the night, Suna thinks of everything, puts all that she knows together, and feels guilty.

She knows he had a rough childhood. Alcoholic father, pill addicted mother, she remembers him sharing this with her during his second proposal, and how she thought at the time he was doing it only to elicit sympathy. Except... he never spoke about it again. He doesn't speak much about his mother in general, Suna realises, even though they are close, and he had obviously been greatly affected by her marriage.

And there is also the fact that she saw his mother speaking to someone who was not there, and Kaya brushed off her concerns like they were nothing.

Nükhet is clearly not well. Can he really not tell? But it's impossible, Suna thinks, anyone who spends enough time in Nükhet's company could probably see that she's not well. Then... why?

"Your thoughts are really loud, Suna," she hears him all of a sudden, and looks at him, cheeks reddening quickly, like he caught her doing something she wasn't supposed to do.

He's lying on his belly, hugging the pillow he usually sleeps with, head turned towards her, eyes impossible to read in the dim light of the room.

"I thought you were asleep," she says, not knowing what else to say.

"I was," Kaya answers, turning on his side, eyes still on her. "I think I was even dreaming, and it was a pleasant dream, for a change, but then I woke up all of a sudden. Can't really sleep with you worrying next to me like that, you know. Care to tell me what were you thinking of?"

His tone is light, like he's joking. She could also answer with a joke. But what would be the point?

"You," she admits.

"Me," he says, slight disbelief in his voice, like it's weird and unexpected for her to care enough to lose precious hours of sleep.

"You."

Kaya falls silent for a while, studying her in that peculiar way of his, like he's solving the most extraordinary puzzle in his head. No one had really paid that much attention to her before, Suna thinks, her cheeks warming up yet again. She hasn't shared much about her life before meeting him, but he seems to know anyway; it's like she doesn't need to put it into words, because he sees and understands before she can even open her mouth.

But sometimes words are important too, she thinks. I don't love her. I pity her. Poor girl. Unhappy girl.

"Kaya," she says, sitting upright in bed, when it becomes obvious that he will not speak first. "I'm sorry for tonight."

"Sorry?" he asks, mirroring her position, a flicker of surprise on his face. "What would you even be sorry for?"

"I am just wasting your time with all these unimportant worries. You told me you had a plan and to trust you, and instead I keep worrying. It must be so tiresome for you. Probably not what you expected from this... entire thing."

"Entire thing?"

"Our marriage," Suna clarifies, no longer capable of looking him in the eye.

He grabs her chin with two fingers, not unlike the way he did it before their first kiss, almost forcing her to look at him. But his voice, when he speaks, is gentle, the same gentleness his fingers had when wiping her tears back then.

"How do you know what my expectations were, and why are you so sure you are not fulfilling them?"

"You're right," Suna whispers, voice trembling. "You're right. I don't know and I never did, because it never made any sense. The fact that you... that someone could choose me. You did. You said it was because I was the only one who could understand you, but... I can't understand a lot of things about you, Kaya. I can't, and it freaks me out, because... I'm not used to rely on people, but you are getting me used to rely on you, and..."

...and what will it happen when you will be gone and I'll be by myself again?

She never gets to voice the last part out loud, before he takes her in his arms.

His touch is soothing, and she closes her eyes, breathing in and out, and hugs him back.

If she ever loses him, his hugs are going to be one of the things she will miss the most.

"This is not about you, Suna," she hears him speaking, as his forehead is touching her shoulder. "This is all me. I'm the one who has problems opening up. It's hard when you face the world entirely alone. When you have to give, and give, and give, and no one is giving you back things in return. When you must always carry others on your shoulders, because without you they would drown, and then you would be truly alone in the world. And you know what I am talking about. Because you lived this. Just as I lived it."

He's speaking about his mother, Suna realises, heart beating wildly. But if he talks like this, then it can't be a recent problem.

Then she almost chokes when realisation hits her. He only spoke about her being addicted to pills before, but was that all there was?

"Kaya," she begins, gently, carefully, feeling like she is about to unlock something very important. "Dear. Was your mother always like this?"

She feels him getting still in her arms, his breath accelerating all of a sudden.

"What do you mean?" he asks, and the raw vulnerability ringing in her ears almost makes her cry again.

"I saw her," she says. "Outside our room, after she came to announce her marriage. She was speaking to herself."

"Oh... Oh no," he manages, before choking on a sob.

And that's the last thing she hears for a long while.

She doesn't say anything either; she simply holds him as he cries.

"She was always like this," he says, later, lying on the bed with his head on her chest, arms around her like he's anchoring himself to her. "Since I was a child. It took me so long to understand. I couldn't get it at first. She would kiss and hug me, telling me nice stories and promising me things, and I would feel so safe with her, and then all of a sudden she would turn against me, hate me, and nothing I would do could make her happy. I had to learn, Suna. I had to learn how to adapt my behaviour in accordance with whatever personality she had at any given moment. I had to learn how to lie and how to hide things from her, to keep her safe. And she doesn't even realise, and she will never understand. For as long as she lives."

It makes so much sense, Suna thinks. Everything makes so much sense. The way he acts. His pride, his disdain for this family they were both thrown into, his unwillingness to cut off his mother. And even...

"That's why you told her you pitied me," she realises. "Back then. It was what she wanted to hear at that time, so that's what you told her. You couldn't know I was listening."

"I'm sorry," he whispers. "I should have known there was more to it, but with her it's so difficult to say, even now, even after all these years. Even now I'm struggling."

He's so lonely, Suna thinks, and her heart breaks for him, for the scars that are so similar with hers, for the child he used to be, and she remembers the child she used to be, and maybe she dreamed of Kaya long before knowing the real him precisely because the wounded child in her recognised the wounded child in him.

Whatever he feels for her doesn't matter anymore. She will be at his side, no matter what, no matter against whom she has to fight. Even if she has to fight the entire Korhan family, she won't budge, and she won't be afraid. Not anymore.

"Kaya," she speaks, determination in her voice, and when he raises his head to look at her, she kisses him.

It's only a brief touch of lips, and he watches her in wonder when she speaks again:

"I will always be by your side when you need me."

Then it's his turn to kiss her - and it's not brief, and it's not light. It makes her knees weak, it pours fire in her veins and hope in her heart, and she thinks this might be just enough, but then he whispers to her, between a kiss and another, I always need you.

And it feels like love.

#Yalı Çapkını #Yali Capkini #Kaya Sönmez #Suna Şanlı #Kaya Sonmez #Suna Sanli #KaySun #fan fiction #Of Dreams and Late Night Talks #writing #made by me #as you can see I still write fics related to the clown show #this is so not going to happen in canon #but a girl can dream for something similar #this is for all my girlies out there who wanted Kaya and Suna to talk #here's them TALKING

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stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale · 1 year

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I am a new reader of your blog, and that is something I want to know (but it's totally okay if you want to ignore this ask!) why you stopped liking [with you]? Is there something in particular that bothered you about this fic?

That... is a question with a loaded answer.

The quick answer is:

I put way too much pressure on myself with [with you] that caused terrible burnout and I couldn't do any creative writing for a long time after; a small portion of my readers were pretty hostile about slow updates; there were criticisms about the story that I had a hard time with; and there are a lot of story beats and writing decisions I made with it that I'm very critical of. All of those things combined, I now have a lot of negative feelings associated with [with you].

The not-so-quick answer involves a lot of self-criticism about my prose, poor choices, the criticisms by my readers, and some behind the scenes stuff. I'll put all that under a "keep reading" for anyone interested in more detail.

When I started [with you], it wasn't meant to be a 50k+ story, it was just going to be a simpler story told in a couple parts... that I then kept expanding. I'm pretty sure every note I have on the original version posted on here starts with, "hey y'all, this story is this many parts now whoops haha"

I had very little planned out, I was just discovery writing my way through everything. I wrote a chapter, read through it a couple times, said, "yeah that's good enough," then posted. Y'know, like what a lot of people who write fics do. "no beta, we die like Ben falling down the bell tower" and all that.

I had ideas of where I wanted to go, but I didn't start an outline until I was well into the story. It was bloated. I felt like I needed to add every single idea I had, and needed to expand on every character, even if it didn't do anything to advance or enhance the story... and that became overwhelming for me to keep track of since I wanted it to all tie together in the end and please my readers.

When I read through it now, there is so much that can be cut that no one would miss. It would flow better and be easier to read.

My prose [the actual writing style] is all over the place and reads like a first draft, especially in earlier chapters. Spelling errors, run-on sentences, whole paragraphs that I should've cut. While I feel better about my dialogue, there are some conversations that read as awkward.

Honestly, the best part of the entire fic is Clementine and Louis' story, which... yeah. I'm pretty happy with the way I portrayed their dynamic, dialogue, and romance. I just wish I hadn't bogged it all down with everything else, like... that's all it needed to be, it just needed to be about clouis.

Oh, and I still like the dream sequence. That's probably one of the better chapters, if not the best chapter.

Now, when I say I made bad choices with this story, one of those choices I'm referring to is my "big rewrite." This was incredibly stupid. Past CJ thought it was a good idea but she's a dumb ass. You can't listen to anything she says.

Basically, I got the brilliant idea that I would take [with you] down and rewrite the whole thing before I wrote the final chapters. I wasn't satisfied with how it was written. I felt I could do so much better. I was going to trim unnecessary fat, expand on important details, make some heavy changes, improve everything, and then repost it with the ending.... so I deleted it off AO3 and got to work.

Terrible idea. Don't ask me why. What I should've done was discontinued that version, made a note that it was old, and then published the new version separately. But I didn't. And a lot of people were pissed at me. Shocking.

I should've just finished it. I should've finished it, posted it, and then went from there. But I didn't. Ever since then I've gotten a lot of readers who would go on anon and send me messages about [with you] that are passive aggressive or guilt trippy. That soured my feelings about the story and myself as a writer tremendously.

Then there's Violet.

I wrote the first few chapters before Ep4 of TFS was released, meaning I wrote Violet before we found out that she's blinded in the explosion in her kidnapped route. I took the "Violet despises you" route, and a big plot point of the story is Violet dealing with all these conflicting feelings about Clementine, hating her but also not, distancing herself from the group, the strain it put on her and Louis' friendship, etc.

I don't like how I portrayed Violet for a number of reasons. I know what I was trying to do, and I knew I couldn't [or wouldn't] scrap everything I already wrote about her and rewrite in a blind Violet on friendly terms with Clementine... because sure, I wanted to do this grand rewrite that sounded easy enough on paper, but in practice that was so much work that intimidated me.

Because behind the scenes fun- for the rewrite, I wanted to do that. That was a major change that would've cut so much from the story I wasn't happy with, and would've been a more positive portrayal of the character. But then I saw just how much would be cut and how much I'd have to write and it scared me off from the idea... so I tried to work with what I had and I still hate it.

Violet's very antagonistic in the story. She attacked Clementine after the boat explosion. Everyone thinks she'll attack her again. Mitch calls her a traitorous bitch and doesn't trust her to not stab Clementine in a conversation. There's even a point where it's mentioned that in the past she slapped Louis during a conversation. She just has a pissy attitude throughout the story but then berates herself for it and I just... I was going for a slow burn recovery that explores her trauma and ends with her reconciling with Clementine... but it doesn't come off that way? Some parts I think I executed better than others but most of it I look back at and say, "...No, past CJ, that doesn't read like you think it does...."

But that wasn't my only criticism I got about the way I wrote Violet, and this one is... a little complicated? And something most probably wouldn't take issue with or even notice unless you're a major Violet stan... but I pretty much gave Mitch [a character I loved at the time] a lot of Violet's canon character points and explored them more positively, then turned around and made Violet more antagonistic, which......yeeeeeah.

The only defense I have for this is it wasn't intentional. It really wasn't, but I understand and think it's a valid complaint. Like... I used to get these anons who would tell me this and I'd quietly delete them because, "...nope, not touching that. If I don't acknowledge it, it doesn't exist."

Lemme explain: In my fics, Mitch is gay. He had feelings for his best friend and roommate, Justin, before he died to walkers, and Mitch hasn't trusted "gross feelings" ever since... until James shows up and Mitch has to face the fact that he has romantic feelings for him while not being completely over Justin...

...y'know, totally different from Violet who is gay, had feelings for Minerva before she "died," and hasn't trusted mushy feelings ever since... until Clementine shows up and Violet has to face the fact that she has romantic feelings for her while not being completely over Minerva....

It's surface level stuff since they are written differently, and it's not like you're not allowed to have more than one character with character beats like that, but it's enough of a similarity that I get why it would rub Violet lovers the wrong way. Especially since nothing about that is canon with Mitch's character, y'know? It's the character I gave him.

I don't think it was coming from the Violet crowd [the aggressively obnoxious fans no one likes], I think it came from people who were genuinely bummed or put off by my more antagonistic portrayal of her, only to see similar traits portrayed positively with Mitch.

And that bothers me. I do like the way I wrote Mitch, but I hate the way I wrote Violet. It's made me step back and analyze why I wrote them the way I did, y'know?

But the BIGGEST criticism from readers I've gotten?

[with you] is unfinished.... valid, but there isn't anything I can add that. Sorry y'all, it's discontinued, I'm never going to finish it.

The best I can give you is what I planned: a big wedding scene where Clementine and Louis exchanged vows and kissed. Violet showed up and made amends with Clementine. Clementine talked Mitch into dancing with her even though he hates dancing. Aasim tried to ask Ruby to dance, panicked, and asked Mitch instead who was like "...Fuck no, RUBY COME DANCE WITH AASIM!" Louis and Clementine left early to head back to their room and it probably would've ended with some sappy line about being together to the end.

So... there ya go? It's not a final chapter but that's the gist of what would've happened.

But moving on, I was also going through a lot of things in my personal life that I won't get into. I was working on other writing projects that I had more interest in, so [with you] was put on the backburner. Then, over time I grew more sour about it the more pressure and guilt I put on myself, added with the pressure and guilt put on by my readers.

I do want to clarify that it's not like ALL of my readers were like this. Most of them were sweet, supportive followers who only had nice things to say. But you know how it is... you could get ten comments/asks, nine of them positive and one negative, and it's the negative one that's going to stick to you.

So, to my lovely readers, I am sorry that I let you down by not finishing it. To the rude readers, I'm less sorry because y'all were dicks.

Y'know... I can look at all of my other works and either be like "Yeah, I'm really proud of that story," or "Eh, it was one of my earlier works, so I can't be too hard on it."

But [with you] puts me in a crisis of "oh god I'm a fraud, I was never a good writer, what am I doing??? why?? why are you like this??"

and I have to snap myself out of it. That's why I'm so like this about it now.

There are other little things I could go into, but this answer is long enough. I figure if anyone has any further questions or criticisms, they'll send 'em in and I can answer them that way.

I've moved on from all my twdg writing, I'm writing dragon age stuff now, and it's finally working for me so it's not like [with you] has me all hung up still. Plus, I think it's good to go back and learn from mistakes made in old works, y'know?

#asks #[with you]#twdg clementine #twdg louis #twdg violet #twdg mitch #twdg ruby #twdg aasim #twdg james #i have a lot of feelings about my old writings and trying to not repeat mistakes sksksks #because hhhnnnggggg... i made mistakes #but it's fine #it's fine i am different now and current cj has improved.... she said through gritted teeth #no but really i'm doing so much more writing these days and it's actually *fun* again... writing hasn't been fun for a long time #and writing da fic is like... a totally different experience? because it's a very different world/fandom than twdg... obviously sksks #plus i'm just a lurker in the shadows of the fandom and i haven't posted any writing yet so there are zero eyes on me #there was a point where i felt like stagnant with twdg? like i wanted to branch out and write different kinds of fics but was too worried #about my readers and followers judging me for it or that no one would want to read it because it wasn't tfs stuff #like.... ugh do i dare share this? ....it's in the tags and no one reads those so i'm sure this is a safe place for confession... sksks #i entertained the idea of writing a long fic about david and lilly meeting and joining the delta together #that would've dealt with much heavier mature themes than any of my tfs stuff did #...don't look at me like that okay I KNOW sksksk livid was a huge meme on this blog and behind the scenes i was like #'...wait what if though??' and never did it because i *know* how it would've been received and frankly i didn't wanna deal with that #plus i had so much other shit to write and [with you] constantly on the back burner screaming at me sooooo.... yeah #but anyway... i'll stop venting in the tags and thank anon for the ask and for reading my stuff #despite my hang ups with it i do truly appreciate you for reading my work and hope my answer makes sense

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neoneldritchkyo · 5 months

Text

Giving Thanks [2023]

Honestly, there is an abundance of gratitude I wish to express, so please be prepared for an assortment of words. If you prefer not to read the entirety of it, that is perfectly acceptable. I'll do my best to shorten it (at the best of my ability).

I am deeply grateful for my partners, the moon and the star, who understand my struggles and guide me through my darkest nights. To be frank, divulging my innermost thoughts and feelings has been quite challenging, and occasionally I find myself grappling with the process. However, I know to trust them both to uphold complete transparency with both of you under any circumstances. While I have previously relayed experiences that have caused me pain, I have since made peace with the past, recognizing that the present and future hold greater significance. The knowledge that I can rely on your presence each day elicits immense joy within me. It fills me with great satisfaction to the forthcoming milestone of reaching one year together on this remarkable journey as partners, just a mere 18 days away. August 2024, I hope to see you all at San Antonio and have a wonderful time together. May our future be endowed with even more remarkable moments. I wholeheartedly consider the two of you as my entire universe.

I am appreciative of the love and apprecation by my family. Despite the pain in the ass, it is through tough love that I have been able to attain personal development and acquire invaluable life lessons that I will forever cherish. I hold in my heart the joyous and genuinely heartfelt moments I have shared with my family. In fact, tomorrow there's going to be another member of our family. A one year old domestic shorthair, Benji. I'm very happy to welcome our new cat to this family. My father, mother, and sisters serve as the foundation of my sense of belonging and security. They are my home. I also want to give thanks to those in our family and pets who has passed. As much as I don't have religious beliefs, I hope they're having a pleasant feast.

I am sincerely grateful for the unwavering support and kindness extended by my friends and mutuals. While there have been thorns that have stung my skin, I have managed to recover from those experiences and gain valuable lessons of friendship. I assure you that I shall stay by your side and provide a listening ear, just as you have done for me during my rough patches. You all are the very reason I continue to post art every day. I am often told that I have served as a significant source of inspiration for other artists, and I deeply appreciate the impact I have on their artistic development. Each and every one of you is truly remarkable and I'm very glad to have met you all, especially to those who stuck with me for years. I am immensely grateful for the joyous moments and camaraderie we have collectively experienced. Your companionship holds great significance in my life, and I express gratitude for each instance we share in each other's company.

Thaf, this message is dedicated to you. With your kind act of appreciation towards your thumbnail artists, I feel that I do the same to you. I want to express my gratitude not only for being my boss but also for being a dear friend who has continuously presented me with various opportunities such as creating merchandise, designing thumbnails, and assisting with references, amongst many other things. Without a doubt, your community has played a significant role in my personal growth and mental well-being. If it wasn't for my knowledge of your content, I cannot fathom where I would currently find myself. Moreover, the fact that you went above and beyond by gifting me a personal PC purely out of the kindness within your heart holds immeasurable significance. I extend my utmost appreciation to you and your community for rescuing me from a bleak chapter of my life and granting me the chance to collaborate with you as well as be considered your friend.

Lastly, I'm thankful for my life. I am grateful for the people I meet, the people I bond with, the people I love in my life who demonstrate care, love, support, and concern for me. I am thankful for the opportunity to experience today and the potential for the days that lie ahead. Despite my less than ideal health, I am appreciative for the well-being that I do possess. Moreover, I express gratitude for the financial resources I currently possess. I appreciate my growth as a person. Even with my slip-ups, I take accountability and know better. Thank you for reading, everyone. Have a wonderful thanksgiving.

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khaleesiofalicante · 2 years

Note

Hola Dani 👋🏼 ¿cómo estás? ¿Sigues de viaje? How did it go with HR? I hope everything is going well and that you're staying hydrated like a queen!!!

I have to tell you... the post about the royalty AU Mavid has given me life, it fixed all my problems, cleared my skin, watered my crops!!! I know it's just an idea but I can already picture myself waiting for each chapter to drop!! OMG!!

But this not about that, so let's get on with the new chapter...

The One with the Theory

A warlock was using magic – the second most beautiful thing in the world – to hurt David – the first most beautiful thing in the world.

“Max,” David said, his blue eyes frantic. “Don’t you get it? It’s Mallory.”

*Pretends to be shocked* although... I don't actually think is Mallory, she is an evil greedy bitch but I think there's something else going on, however... I'm on David's side always so let's blame the wicked bitch 😌

“Because she wants you!” David said, his voice angry. “And I’m standing in the way.”

This is 100% true!!! Shower her with fire 🔥

“Because that’s exactly what she wants, Max!” David screamed at him. “She attacks the institute to keep me occupied! So that she can have you all to yourself!”

That does sound like something she would do

“It’s the truth!” Max yelled. “Stop turning this into something it isn’t, David! You’re just overwhelmed and paranoid.”

Maxwell!!! You better watch your tone when you talk to my primary source of serotonin 🥺🥺

“You don’t have time for me anymore,” Max said, his voice threatening to break. “You’re never here. I felt so abandoned.”

Aww Maxie!! 😭 David you better fix this you little shit! 😡

He blinked back the tears. “I…I’m gonna go.”

Nooooo noooo nooooooooo... my happiness!! 😭😭😭

“Leave me alone, Magnus!” Max yelled.

Maxwell stop 😭😭

“Look stunning and kick ass,” Camila winked.

Always a great plan!! 😌🙌🏼🥰

Sometimes people wanting to help felt better than them actually helping you.

OMG this... 😍 So true!! 100% 😍

Georgia thought it was weird that Marcus didn’t acknowledge Anjali’s presence.

Look at my Gigi capturing the red flags like a queen! 😌🤩😌🤩

Marcus looked out of the window. At Idris. “Maybe it’s something amazing.”

I hate this creepy bitch!!! 😡😡

Jace considered that for a moment. “No.”

Jace is such a mood, I love him!! 🥰

“It was probably a mistake,” Alec pointed out softly.

No my beautiful, beloved, blue eyed twin brother, it wasn't!! He was being a little shit *whispers* on propose *le gasp*

“Okay,” Alec said. “Can I be alone with you?”

If I ever get one of those 3 wishes deal, I will make every one know how to do this!!

“You’re assuming we’d still be hanging out in 500 years,” Max grinned.

Maxwell!! Don't make me laugh when I'm not 100% happy with you!! Also, don't say shit like that!!!

Sometimes you needed to run away. It was self-care.

So much same!!

“That means this warlock could have the magic of more than one person.”

Aha!!! It all makes sense now, the missing magic is being used to make the portals, those fucking bitch ass bitches are behind this!!!

“The Clave is made up of hot, respectable people,” Gabriel told her, kissing her finger.

I would listen to them to 😌

He didn’t answer. He looked at her. “Selena. I think…I think Max is going to break up with me.”

Noooooo...

When she opened them, David’s hands were still bleeding.

What??????

Ok but... every chapter I end up with more and more questions 🥲🥲 why Dani?? Why??

Thank you Dani...!!! 💚💚💚💚💚💚

Buenos dias!

(that's all i have for today, i have not downloaded duolingo yet smh. but i did get a lot of work done this week and i am happy about that. HR is very meh. They haven't gotten back to me yet. They were all about making sure the project gets resolved instead of addressing my issue anyhoo fuck that)

YOUR GIFS GIVE ME LIFE.

Funny thing, whenever i get your ask, I'm ALWAYS at a boring meeting (which I don't have to attend) and your ask really puts me in a good mood.

You are a hilarious bean, Alex. Love you!

Some questions MIGHT be answered soon ;)

#lbaf

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edzephyr · 2 years

Note

Personal question (and no need to post this), but... were you by any chance the anonymous "Kirk lookalike" who sent me such nice messages a few years ago? (I would ask you through my handle, but I'm a coward. If you were them, though, I assume you'll already know who I am without needing the username. Unless I was just one in a long list of people whose spirits you've boosted, which I have no trouble imagining a gentleman like you would do.)

If so, I want you to know just how very much those notes meant (and still mean) to me, how profoundly moved I was to have someone—anyone—offering me comfort, support, and kindness. I've been feeling particularly unwanted/burdensome lately, so I've gone back to reread those words over and over again because they truly helped me survive a really rough chapter of my soul's apparently never-ending struggle with suicidality.

Thank you so much for helping me feel less alone back then. I wish I could do something (anything) for you that would be even a fraction as significant as what your words did for me. 💔💛💙

(If I have the wrong person, I'm so sorry, please disregard me.)

I wasn't sure how to answer without posting so I hope you don't mind. It sounds like something I remember, yes, a while ago. And my oblique reference was because if I recall it was apparent Kirk and how he'd view you/the situation was important to you. Although in truth, I am just me, I of course made no pretence! What's important is that it helped you, and this is great. And well done. I'm not always resourced to offer as much support as I'd like but be assured you are NOT alone and are being thought of - I'm sure others who follow and have sent you messages will agree.

But boy - I sometimes listen to the likes of James Doohan and his fan story and sometimes I'm not sure which party I am. To make a frank confession, I've found fan support itself to be an unexpected, and genuine help in low points, when I've questioned my own value and purpose. Imagine a scenario similar to the idea of having lead a life of challenge due to a myriad of factors, to have dedicated yourself to a hard career and been knocked back constantly by things outside your control; to see jobs that it's clear to all the world you'd be perfect for - that you've worked just as hard for and have much ability to carry it as people who got the chance to prove so a little earlier and the paperwork's a little better - taken in very different directions. You start to have thoughts like 'why am I here if I am denied doing what I'm good at?'

When you care passionately it's hard to rationalise things sometimes. It feels like letting go of your own self-belief or sense of purpose. Your heart breaks for a lost opportunity to amaze and enthral and indeed, to reach and inspire more people, as you know you'd do. The difference you'd make if you'd been given a chance. Imagine the timeline when one difference in casting changed the impact of one of our iconic pieces of media – like Star Trek. If they’d dropped Nimoy at the pilot and we never had Spock, or his dynamic with Kirk. If Kirk were not so unique and specifically THAT character and not something more generic and forgettable. If Nichelle had left and Martin Luther King Jr hadn’t convinced her to stay. Imagine how different the world would be if it hadn’t caught the imagination, the heart, the social conscience; if it really did fade away back in the 60s.

Am I deluding myself, or am I simply being beaten by a nonsensical world? Both scenarios don't exactly help lift the spirits. The latter I know to be true, especially in the case of the industry I (attempt to) work in, that has more than its share of odd decisions and practices. A lot of it is luck and happenstance. It's a profession where, as I've said before, what gets you a job isn't necessarily being a brilliant fit. It's where you stand. Who you know. You can be a terrible fit for something but those other factors make the selection. I do get told, by people I meet; by others in a better position than I 'your time will come'. It's hard though, on a day to day basis. Sometimes it all descends like a black cloud. Imagine for example the frustration of seeing people let down; fans disappointed by something; telling yourself it's not your fault but thinking, why am I here, struggling, wasting time, when I could be doing something brilliantly? Making things better, making people happy, making productions a success?! An overall win-win??! Instead you're scraping by while feeling overlooked, rejected, not even getting in the room even when you're offering what you're offering, and it's not just you unhappy about it - it just seeming to make no sense.

Even if I let go, I have to retain the belief, the shred of ego, that I do offer something of value, and that I can do certain things in a way no-one else can; that no-one else is offering exactly what I am, and it is of value and benefit for the art and business. Productions and people are not all alike. Somehow something will come through. You know what the profession is like; of course, pragmatically, you know exactly why they do as they do; you know 'your time will come', when lady luck arrives. It's just that all this supposed 'knowing' doesn't always make it any easier.

One thing that I do believe and try to remind myself, that is very much in the spirit of Kirk and Trek, is the idea that everyone has something of value in the world. And intrinsically, whether you're an astronaut or just making really a good cheese sandwiches, each has a value. It all makes the world turn. I still maintain that even when you're not doing something, you're still feeding into the pot just by being here. Even in bed. Even reblogging something online. Even just thinking. We're all here. You just have to periodically reframe your view on things, and there are people who can help, and also lots of online help resources. I am terrible at taking my own advice.

What can anyone do for me? I can’t speak for all in my position but it’s good to know you’re valued. I guess it’s like artists sharing their work online, receiving comments, kudos, that kind of thing. We don’t need validation per se but encouragement is good especially when we're sharing ourselves. I guess that’s all I can say to people out there who want to help me. I appreciate the support. If I’m the captain, you’re my crew. But remember Kirk was a deeply flawed and fallible person. We’re all equals; all have troubles, all have value; are all in the same boat. Perhaps on the days it feels like its sinking, it’s worth walking out at night and looking up; because although we’re not yet on a ship called Enterprise, we are among the stars.

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lovemirrah · 1 year

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10:43am, 25 December 2022

It's starting to become a really bad habit for me to check in only once or twice a year. I used to write so much and now, I hardly write at all. But yesterday, I started therapy for the first time in my life and my therapist encouraged me to start writing again. And so, I find myself here. Hello journal, I'm happy to be reacquainted with you again.

My last post was in January 2022, right at the start of the year, and a lot has changed since then. In September, I sold my car exactly a year after I bought it. I miss it sometimes, but I know owning a car is not something I can afford at this stage in my life. In October, I left BDA after 3.5 years with the company. Within a few days of leaving the team, I finally made that trip to South Korea where I was for close to 2 weeks. I ticked so many things off my list but a few were still left unfulfilled. The morning after my return to Singapore, jet-lagged and incredibly exhausted, I started a new role with WE. I manifested this; leaving BDA, going to South Korea, landing a new job with an MNC that brings better benefits and learning opportunities. I worked for it, prayed on it, and it happened. For that, I am grateful for all that the year had brought me.

During my session yesterday, my therapist asked why I decided to take on therapy. It was a good question, great one even. I knew that signing up for therapy meant that I had to be honest with myself for it to work. Without missing a beat, I told her that I'm always sad and I don't know how to fix it. Someone should've told me to bring a box of tissues when doing therapy because it only took one question to trigger the waterworks. For 45 minutes, I cried while my therapist listened. I condensed 28 years of my life, all that I've bottled up, into a 45 minute session and it just came pouring out. I couldn't cap it. It's therapy; I shouldn't cap it. I'm allowed to feel what I feel. What I feel is valid. I'm hurting and I shouldn't deny myself that.

Truth be told, I was crying even before therapy started. I was wallowing in my feelings all day. My mother returns home from her trip today, so I gave myself all of yesterday - one final day - to do absolutely nothing except to be myself. I slept it, ate food that's no good for my body, watched too much Netflix, slept some more, showered only when I finally have to, read a few chapters of a new book I bought but may not like, prayed, cried a lot, watched a few episodes of The Big Bang Theory to make me feel better, then I went back to sleep again. I slept so much, I wondered if I was depressed before I shrugged that thought away.

The one thing about me that I loathe so much is that I overthink. All my life, I considered myself to be an optimistic-realist. I think of worst case scenarios in every situation and prepare well for them, but I'd always hope for the best. It's how I've always carried myself through life - at work, in my day-to-day. I aspire to be like that in my romantic pursuits but having gone through a sexual assault so young, I see dating as a 'cup half empty' situation. I go into it, thinking that it's not going to work for whatever reason, and I believe it. I'm so afraid of tearing down my walls that I've become so good at detaching. Then comes along a connection I wasn't even expecting, and without realising it, I buckled. So quickly. I'm not saying I'm in love - God, I know I'm not - but I got attached to a mere stranger I barely knew because I trusted that connection. And... that was my fault. It's my fault for finally learning to open up my heart and be vulnerable again; only for it to be the wrong man. Y'know what's the funniest thing about all of this? History repeated itself and I'm exactly where I was 8 years ago - right down to timing. I can't shut down again. I've come so far since then. I can't unlearn all the healing I've done. I needed to do better, be better and put myself first. I will not chase someone who doesn't want me. I will not give my time for someone who won't even respond. If someone is showing you that you're not important, believe it.

So today, while everyone is out (or in) spending time with family and their loved ones on Christmas Day, I'm choosing to spend time with myself and put me first. A manicure, a facial and a cone of ice-cream. It's always good to start small - one step at a time, as they say. Even if I feel 1% better after, I'll consider it a win. As my therapist says, 'my time is now.'

I don't know if I'll write every day but I'll try to check-in every week. It might be a little hard at first, but writing was and has always been my first love. With time, I'll get back into the groove of things - writing and maybe, life too.

All my love, Mirrah

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wouldnt-it-be-hilarious-if-i · 1 year

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Currently listening to: Mirrorball by Taylor Swift (yes...again)

I am currently on chapter 13 of 16 in Woke Antisemitism by David L. Bernstein, and I won't lie y'all, it's kind of beating my ass a little. I won't pretend this is a hard post for me to write and post. But I'd feel worse not doing it. Since reading this book and also reading more about Hasidic Judaism, I have been keeping a running tally of things that I have done or said in the past that I now understand is not the behavior I ever want to exhibit as an ally.

I never thought I knew much or learned much about Jews from my family other than what my mother told me. But after speaking with her, I've been made aware of yet another thing that I didn't realize I may have picked up but not been aware of. The conversation went like this:

Mom: "My whole life, I went to school with Jewish kids, and was told by my older sister that Jewish people were super cool. Then....well, have you ever heard your father's side of the family talk about Jews?"

Me: "No...I mean, maybe a little. But not really."

Mom: "Well, it wasn't until I went to New York and spent time with them that I realized that people there...like your grandmother, think Jews are dirty people."

And that reminded me of another aspect of that memory from when I was a child, staring at those tall men in black hats from across the street. I can't remember my age. But I remember I felt weird around them because they didn't look at anyone and they just talked to each other. I remember thinking they were weird and feeling uncomfortable. Not wanting to go anywhere near them. I thought the same thing about the Mennonites in Missouri. That I felt sorry for the girls in their long dresses and skirts, and I wondered if anyone had told them about the outside world.

I found out that not only was my family on my dad's side antisemitic, but it also very well could have been the reason why I've never stepped foot in my namesake city. Brooklyn was one of the areas my dad most disliked and warned us about.

I thought about all this a little in passing when I wrote my last post, but it wasn't until my mom said something that I realized that this was a bias that I had been around and that I had sponged up without ever realizing it. Then, I realized that there were other examples of times where I hadn't exactly been the best ally.

Not understanding the cultural differences between myself and Hasidic Jews meant, for example, that I also didn't understand when my friends weren't super good with the internet, and I definitely wasn't that nice about it (even if I wasn't out right mean). Not understanding how diverse Jews actually are meant that I had come under the assumption that all Jews were white unless they were visibly not white, and that came with it's own biases: That all Jews speak the same languages, that all young US Jews are from the US, that Judaism is genuinely not just a religion but much more than that (which I thought I understood, but clearly do not). Not understanding the way antisemitism works in our society meant me thinking that Jewish experiences where they are not safe wearing religious clothing or necklaces or bracelets were completely different from my experiences as a half black person.

"They can take the necklace off, I can't take my blackness off." Either way, antisemitism is still a threat and it's still affecting them even if they aren't visibly Jewish. And what about the people who are visibly Jewish? Jews were only just persecuted because of their racial characteristics like eighty-three years ago. How could I say something like that? And would I say something like that necklace comment about a Muslim woman in a hijab? No! So, why the hell would I think I could say or think something like that about Jews? Reading this book has me embarrassed about what other dumb and hurtful things I might have said in the past.

Bernstein talks about how in his book, equating Jews and other groups to "white-adjacent" identities leaves little room for nuance. This is definitely something I didn't realize I was falling into, and I'm very glad I read this book and started doing this research lest I spend another minute accidentally making another person feel bad about the cultural and religious background that they came from, or even worse, making them feel unsafe admitting who they are to me.

It's not something I thought I'd have to reckon with, and it's definitely something that I spent a lot of the day struggling with admitting to myself. But it became easier to admit the moment I remembered that I am actively trying to do and be better, and that I was once homophobic, Islamophobic, transphobic, all the phobics, and I had to come to terms with that fact over and over again, one by one, until I began to root those behaviors out. Confronting these things never ends, and unlearning is a process. It'll always be a process. All I can ask of myself is that I never think I'm above admitting that I was wrong and that I can always do a better job at being a good friend and ally.

There was a time when my homophobic comments made my sister unsure as to weather or not she could come out to me when I was 12. Now, I'm older, have been an out bisexual since I was thirteen and deeply support LGBTQ+ rights. Now, I watch the movies and TV shows I loved and read old conversations between my friends and I, and I understand why she wasn't sure. I wouldn't have felt comfortable coming out to me either.

There was also a time when I had a crush on a boy in my Spanish class, a boy that I knew was Muslim, and had to come to terms with the fact that my Islamophobic beliefs were harmful. That what I had been taught and what I was actively being taught was hateful.

And there was also a time when I was anxious at the thought of being around trans people until all my friends were trans and nonbinary and gender nonconforming and I realized that I, once again, had to confront a harmful and hateful belief system.

Antisemitism is something I've spent my whole life trying not to engage in, but biases happen so easily. Not just in conservative households, but on the left too. It's so easy for people to sweep antisemitic beliefs under the rug, or to even make light of them or to assume that it's okay to say them when you're talking about another minority group. I've been increasingly progressive since high school, but one of my biggest regrets was sitting there and saying nothing as two guys at my table in Spanish class sat there openly saying that Hitler "should have finished the job." It made me so angry because they were also calling Africans stupid, saying that they all live in little huts and wear loin cloths and don't know anything. But I'd get so angry that I didn't know what to do or say, so after talking to my dad and being told not to say anything and give them the satisfaction of knowing they got to me, I did absolutely nothing other than refuse to work with them. Knowing that my dad's side of the family was antisemitic, that course of action makes a lot more sense now.

And the worst part is that behavior? It wasn't like me. That wasn't the girl who hopped across her desk to beat the ass of a boy who even dared call my frenemy ugly and "monkey-looking." That wasn't the little girl who shouted at boys three times her age for picking on my little nephew when we were kids. That certainly wasn't the same girl who pelted a boy with her unused pads and shouted at him for making her feel bad about dropping a pad on the floor. To this day, I regret allowing that behavior to even exist in my realm. I try to let that regret energize me to make better decisions when it comes to standing up for people.

People make such a huge deal about being great allies, about punching Nazis and deconstructing privilege, but how many people have actually acknowledged the antisemitic beliefs that our entire society just...allows? Where are those same people when it comes to learning about antisemitic dogwhistles, or acknowledging hateful statements made by popular leftists or in school curriculums? Or listening when Jews talk about their experiences? Where are those same people when our favorite TV shows do things like filming in old concentration camp buildings?

Even someone like me, who has cared about this topic since I was a child, can have antisemitic and bigoted belief systems they don't realize they have. If we really want to root out systems of injustice, we have to remember to include all minorities, even the ones that people consider "white adjacent." Our society can't keep pretending that we are not and do not have blatantly violent, bigoted and antisemitic beliefs about Jews. Not just because we have such high populations of Jews in the US, not just because we have so many beloved Jewish actors and actresses or people in virtually every avenue of society, not just because we might know and love the Jews in our lives, not just because we have Jews from all over the world who came here from oppressive and highly antisemitic regimes, but because antisemitism anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere and their struggles matter just as much as black struggles, LGBTQ struggles, women's struggles, etc.

I don't pretend to be a completely reformed and rejuvenated ally. I said before that unlearning these things is a process, and it will always be a process. I'm just grateful for the people who are willing to talk about their experiences, share their research, discuss their ideas for change, and giving me a place to start working on this issue.

And I highly recommend this book!

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commander-vas-normandy · 2 years

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The Devil's Backbone - Chapter Four Interlude || Matt Murdock x GN!Reader

I published this as part of an ask, but I wanted to post it properly so I could include it in the masterlist.

Summary: Your conversation with Matt from his perspective.

Warnings: Swearing, Suicide mention

Length: <1k

ao3 link

Tag list: @matt-erialgirl @1800-fight-me @harpyofhellskitchen @deirdre-belle @catholicdaredevil @carters-things @fatherkirbussy

Chapter Masterlist

Matt stood silently behind you, listening as you flipped through papers. It had been a while since you last turned a page and your heartrate had slowly began to pick up. He knew for a fact you didn't know he was there, so it wasn't anxiety or paranoia. He was far too quiet for that. Then he began to wonder if you were thinking of him. Thinking of him like he thought of you.

"Your heart is racing, sweetheart," Matt chuckled, finally making his presence known. He quickly dodged the hand wildly thrown in his direction, hardly having to move at all. He raised a brow, amused by your immediate fight reaction before you backed up across the room.

"What the fuck, Murdock?!" You yelled, and he could hear the slight pant of your breath as panic settled in.

Matt laughed quietly before placing his cane down and taking the seat you had just vacated. He started to speak when the quiet padding of paws caught his attention, followed by the chirp of your cat before she hopped in his lap. He was amused at how quickly your cat had warmed up to him despite the cold shoulder you gave him.

“I hear animals are a good judge of character. I think you should listen to her.” He scratched under the cat's chin, huffing out a quiet laugh as you called her a traitor.

“What the hell are you doing here? When did you even get in here?” You questioned and he finally tilted his head back in your direction.

“Hm, a little before your friend left. I thought he would never leave. Your bed is comfortable though, but you should really invest in silk sheets. Much less scratchy," he offered. Laying on your sheets while he waited for Frank to leave would have been a nightmare had they not smelled so strongly of you.

“I am going to ask again: why are you here, Murdock?” You questioned again.

“Please, call me Matt. I think we’re comfortable enough with each other for that now.”

“Not in a million years,” you bit back and he pouted. “Now answer the damn question.”

Matt sighed and stood, buttoning his suit back and brushing off some of the fur. He would regret letting your cat cuddle him later. He paused for a moment, listening as your heart had slowed to something closer to normal. Your panic had mostly settled, now he sensed something more akin to anticipation. He slowly crossed the room to you, carefully taking your chin between his thumb and forefinger. For just a moment he cherished the soft warmth of your skin before he spoke.

“We were interrupted the other day. I would say it’s pretty rude to not finish a conversation, wouldn’t you?” He tapped his thumb on your chin lightly.

“Why are you doing this?” He didn't miss the way you didn't pull away. Just like the courthouse, you were letting this happen, but you were far calmer this time.

“I’ve been told I can’t seem to help myself when pretty people are involved.” He shrugged.

“As if you can even see me.” You challenged and he huffed out a quietly laugh.

“Maybe not. But you’re fearless. Even if I do get under your skin a little. Headstrong. Persistent. You know what you want.” He finally started to close the gap between the two of you, ignoring the feeling of his own heart racing in his chest as he focused on yours instead. “When you’re blind you find beauty in other ways.”

Matthew paused. The rest of the world melted away as he took you in. The quiet sounds of your breath as it picked up ever so slightly. The taste of the wine on your breath as it caressed his lips. The smell of your shampoo. Everything that seemed so uniquely you.

“If you don’t want this, you need only to say so," he offered. In the courthouse he had meant only to tease you, but when you had gotten so flustered and didn't shove him away he knew he needed to take a chance for the real thing. And so he went to you. Home alone. He wanted to kiss you for real this time, but he waited. He took so many things against the will of others, but your will he cherished in a way he didn't quite understand. So he gave you the option to back out though he silently hoped you wouldn't.

“I don’t want this.” Your voice was quiet but firm as you spoke. Matt paused, trying to keep his reaction under wraps. He didn't want to acknowledge the way his hand twitched in upset. He fought hard to school his expression as he pulled away. “Wait, that actually worked? You really meant it?”

“Of course I meant it. I may be the kingpin, sweetheart, but I’m no monster.” Were he anyone else, your lack of faith in him might have stung. But he knew who he was. Knew the reputation he had carefully crafted for himself.

“Oh, um, thank you then.” Confusion was evident in your voice and he chuckled quietly. A silence fell between the two of you and you shifted awkwardly. He kept waiting for you to say something. Anything. But you didn't.

“Another time then.” He grabbed his cane and headed for the door, humming quietly.

#taliesin writes #matt murdock fanfic #matt murdock x reader #matt murdock #matt murdock x you #daredevil #daredevil x reader #marvel #matt murderdock #earth 65 #dark matt murdock #kingpin!matt murdock #the devil's backbone #matt murdock x gn!reader #matt murdock x gender neutral reader

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