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a-queer-seminarian · 8 months

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*deeeeep breath* so. (cw church hurt, religious queerphobia)

another Thing has happened in the unfortunately still-ongoing saga of The Pentecost Incident (see my tag if you don't know, but basically, i visited my childhood church back in late May, my priest gave a queerphobic sermon, i got up and said something, got kicked out and verbally harassed by a dude, it went a little bit viral, ugh). (Oh btw i also discuss it a bit near the end of my latest podcast ep over here).

the priest in question, who's been at this same parish since 2002, has now been reassigned to a different church elsewhere in the Cleveland area.

naturally the same Cleveland journalist who's been covering this story since it started published a fresh article that questions whether the move is related to what happened back in May. The official diocese statement is that the events are unrelated, which. Sure. i could see. I definitely don't think it's "punitive" like the article suggests — apparently this other church is in a more conservative area / the parishioners are more conservative. So i could believe this is either a coincidence, or the bishop decided he'd be a better fit for this other church...or hell, that father tim is the one who requested the transfer to get out of the spotlight or something

which just. really bums me out. because unless he's really changed that much since i knew him better in high school (so a good decade ago), Father Tim isn't like, a Mega Conservative?? Like, relatively speaking, for a Catholic priest.

...If i really wanted to know, i guess i'd have to like, listen back through a ton of his homilies to see if they have gotten more conservative over time but. obviously i'm not going to do that because that would be The Worst thing i could do for my mental and spiritual health lol but. part of me is tempted just so i can Know.

i did what i did primarily as a message to anyone in the pews feeling as alienated and betrayed as i did; and secondarily in hopes that Father Tim would see how what he preached was so hurtful. i sent him a loooong email afterward to explain my feelings more (he replied with a quick sentence about not wanting to talk right now but i'm hoping he at least read it).

and now i can't stop thinking about like. what if what i did instead pushed him further right?? fed his persecution complex???

despite the fact that people on the left don't tend to pose any real physical threat to those we protest, and that i was the one who ended up verbally threatened in this situation, i was never surprised when conservative Catholics by-and-large responded to this incident by being like "see! Catholic-phobia is real!" ...But i hate to think that someone like Father Tim, who's known me for most of my life, would feel like i threatened him or whatever.

part of me knows that wouldn't really be on me if that's the case. most of me knows i would have felt the need to get up and say something regardless of how it's all shaken out — as gut-wrenching as it feels to have so little control over the narrative, i still couldn't have just sat there and said nothing. And i've had enough people from the broader St. Raphael community reach out to thank me and say what I did was encouraging or even healing to stand by my decision.

and yet. it still feels really painful. and this added bit about him being transferred to a new church just makes my stomach hurt. i bet there are people within the parish who now blame me and loathe me for like, tearing their community apart or whatever. and i bet the new church will welcome father tim in like a hero, maybe even expect him to preach more things like what he did that day, which will only push him farther right...

all of this is out of my control. i keep trying to center myself and remind myself of that. but God, it's just painful.

#pentecost incident

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shanie-the-komania-toyaddict · 5 days

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Hiii Shanie! (is that what I should call you? 🤔) I'm the guest from ao3 that sent you that long ass comment 😆😅

Just wanted to start of by saying how extremely sweet it was of you to do this and also how much I appreciated you taking the time out not once but twice to write back! Tbh yes my dumbass did not realise what "noodle incident" meant till you explained it so thank you for that 😊 clearly I'm a bit new to all of this. 😅

Honestly I'm extremely late to the party. I discovered zowens only a little after they won their tag titles last year. I had no idea who they were before that. I took a break from wrestling for about 13 years and only got back into it by accident because of Sami, then Kevin, then zowens. I was switching channels and stubbled upon zowens who happened to be on screen at the time.

So I've had to go back and do a bit of digging and now and then I'll find something that everyone already knew about yearsss ago 🙄😂 and I'll get all excited over it, but everyone else has already been there done that 😂 (also absolutely no one I know likes wrestling or really even knows about it 😭)

I know I've missed out on a LOT with these two (their "glory days") 😭 and I get only glimpses of the past here and there, but I guess as they say better late than never 😁 So I'm enjoying your stories so so much. It's pretty incredible the way you write and the journey you take us on through it.

🐨

PS. the draft this week..zowens..😌

Hello again, nonnie!

Glad you could make it!

I was hoping to hear from you. This mess of business with AO3. Bleh. Hope they get it straightened out soon.

First off, don’t feel bad for not knowing what “noodle incident” meant. I don’t know if a ton of people do these days. TV Tropes as a website has sort of fallen into obscurity in the past decade or so and that’s where I got the term from. Looking it up, the definition on the site (found HERE) apparently comes from Calvin and Hobbes. Of note: The way I use the term isn’t exactly correct because I have explained the pneumonia incident a little, and will do so in upcoming writing more, but I use the term improperly anyway because it makes sense to me.

Regardless, stay tuned for more info about the pneumonia incident! I will warn you though, the current story it’s being written into, “Never Say Goodbye”, is VERY dark. I’m probably going to have to up the rating on it. I use my writing as therapy and I’m going through some stuff right now, so this is how it is manifesting. Hope this doesn’t make you or anyone else hate me, but just know that writing it is helping me cope with my pain and getting me to a better place.

So yeah. Forgive me.

Second, don’t feel bad about just discovering Zowens in 2023. Some of the best people just discovered Zowens in 2023! I don’t know how much of last year you’ve managed to see but there is a fair amount of stuff just between summer of 2022 and fall of 2023 that is epic. If you haven’t gotten to explore it yet, I recommend starting HERE. It’s an episode of The KO Show from back in May of 2022 that planted the seeds of the entire Zowens storyline that would go on to them becoming tag champions. That said, as another video reference, that episode of the KO Show would actually be followed up on in August 2022 to properly start the storyline... in a post-show segment after Smackdown in Montreal. Finding video of that post-show segment can be difficult, but HERE is a fan video that has most of the encounter, minus the section that involved Matt Riddle (and the Zowens hug he spurs on)

Really though, if I had to offer some key highlights, just in WWE, I’d recommend the last ten minutes or so of NXT’s R-Evolution PPV, their match at Battleground 2016 (DEFINITELY Key viewing), The very end of Hell In A Cell 2017 (and the Zowens segment from the next episode of Smackdown), the 10/31/2020 episode of Talking Smack, The leadup and immediate aftermath of their WrestleMania 37 match, the clips I linked above from May and August 2022, Royal Rumble 2023 main event (OMG THAT), and most of all, the ENTIRTY of the 3/17/23 episode of Smackdown which, telling you now, as a Zowens shipper was like a friggin fever dream the night it happened. Cannot understate how that was some Joker Origin Story stuff that night, but the payoff was AMAZING.

All that said? Like Kevin said at WrestleMania 37. They met, at this point, almost 22 years ago, and the journey has been nuts. If you want a good, easy-to-absorb rundown of those 22 years or so, I highly recommend Mithen’s substack Ring the Bell. It has so much information that starts from the beginning and goes step by step along the path. They’re writing a book too! Keep an eye out for that.

Anyway, it’s great to see you here and if you need any more tips about how to dig further into the story, let me know. I know you said “Their glory days” but the truth is, in their own words, they’re “Destined to do this forever” and the glory days aren’t over yet. The story has been going on for over 2 decades but it hasn’t ended yet and I don’t believe it ever will. The Sami and Kevin show, and by extension, The Kevin Steen and El Generico show, will never end.

Over 20 years and counting. Long live Zowens/Steenerico

Enjoy the ride.

#ask #koala anon #long post

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calliecat93 · 9 months

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RWBY V9 Soundtrack First Listen Thoughts

I'm gonna rank them later after I've let them digest a little (I have a first impression ranking, but still). So for now, after listening to all the new vocal tracks, here's my thoughts:

Inside: Not my favorite opening theme, but still superb! It fits the themes of the volume and Ruby's character arc perfectly. You can also tell jus thow amazing Casey's vocals have become. It's been a decade since This WIll Be The Day and she has gone from great to spectacular. And as this soundtrack proves, she is more than capable of handling the music with her dad stepping down. The song for me doesn't beat Let's Just Live, Rising, or Trust Love, but I think I can safely place it in fourth for opening themes.

Checkmate: I was hyped for this the moment I heard it in Chapter 3, and it did NOT let me down! It gives me serious Never Miss a Beat from Volume 3 feels! Gosh, that jazz, love it~! It is such a badass song that really hyped you up for the volume's first major fight scene. Love it~!

Chatterbox: Solid badass song! Not much to say really. Just a really solid song. Maybe I'll have more to say when I'm able to go over the lyrics, but still.

Worthy: I didn't care for the first half of it. It wasn't bad by any means, but it was annoying trying to make out the lyrics with Casey's a cappella singing for a while. That's not on her, it's just not my favorite type of music to listen to, so it's on me. But once we hit the second half? Loved it! It's such a beautiful song, and I'm sure it made the Bumblebee shippers happy after all the years they've waited for the big moment XD

Trapdoor: One of my biggest complaints about the RWBY soundtracks... in fact probably my ONLY one, is the lack of Ruby-centric songs. In the ten years of the show, we've gotten two, Red Like Poses Part 2 (Part 1 is more about Team RWBY than Ruby herself) and Until the End. I guess Casey realized it and decided to fix it with several of them, including this one! It perfectly describes how Ruby feels in the volume. Lost, useless, a failure who just gets others hurt, like she's being left behind by everyone and having her many issues pushed back for everyone else's sake. Trapdoor is a perfect title, because that's what it feels like for her until the door opens and she snaps. It nailed everything and I loved it~!

Quiet: This was the song I wasn't sure what to expect, since we got barely even a few seconds of it in the volume. But as songs like Indomitable (aka my favorite RWBY song) have proven, that normally means a very pleasant surprise when the full comes out, and that was no different here! I think, considering the clock noises and talk about being alone/waiting, this might be a Jaune song? Not too sure about that. But gosh does it convey the feeling of being alone and not realizing what you had until it's gone perfectly. If it is about Jaune then GOD it makes me feel even worst for him than I did in the volume. Ren and Nora better give him all the hugs when they're reunited. So yes, a pleasant surprise for sure~!

Guide My Way: I HAVE WAITED FOR THIS FOR SO MANY YEARS! The culmination of Ruby's character arc. This is very much a continuation of Red Like Roses Parts 1 and 2. In part 1, it was more about the team than Ruby herself. Part 2 was about Ruby's grief and feelings about her mother and her mother's response, a song that is even more painful now than it was then. But here? After all the pain? All the loss? After her identity crisis? Ruby has been reborn. She will be so much more than just trying to love by her mother's idealized example. More than the naive hero she was. More than the fairy tales that she read as a child. She will be her. The song captures all of that, the downfall and rebirth, perfectly. I need a bit of time before deciding where it ranks among all the RWBY songs, but it is 100% my favorite Volume 9 track!

The Edge: I fell in love with this song the moment I heard it. So much so that it beat Friend, which had taken the crown from Cold when it came out not that long ago, as my favorite RWBY ending theme. It does what any good ending should do, sum up the themes of the volume. Everyone was in some kind of bad place at that start. Ruby with her Imposter Syndrome and the aftermath of her plan falling apart, Blake and Yang struggling with their feelings, Weiss losing her home, and Jaune's guilt and solitude screwing him up mentally. But at the end? Aside from Weiss, everyone rediscovered themselves and took the next steps. Blake and Yang with their relationship, Jaune accepting the guilt, and Ruby learning to be herself. This is their rebirth and after everything, this song was just the cherry on top.

Overall? OMG guys, this volume was fantastic! If/when it comes out, go listen to it! Go purchase it! Show Casey, Martin, and CRWBY your support because they 100% earned it! The wait was relatively short compared to the past few, but that wait was still absolutely worth it with every track being a banger! 10/10!

#rwby #rwby9

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owmyfangirlheart · 6 months

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Oh look another Snippet. This one is quite a bit longer.

I swear I will make a post about my OCs eventually, once the semester is over and I have a bit of a break. This is probably confusing to a lot of people but me lol. This is from Jan 2021. Once again unedited

Cato never could pin point any specific fears he had.

Neither could Brynn.

Both where beings with phenomenal cosmic powers, neither of them had ever felt real attachment to anything, or anyone.

Until now.

And for the first time in their existence they felt a fear.

Cato wouldn't admit it, Brynn would just laugh it off. Their masters hadn't made a wish in a decade, why would they wish them away now?

'a fight.'

'what if I piss her off too much.'

'what if she meets someone else.'

'what if she gets sick of me.'

It felt strange for Cato to feel this insecure about something, he had never felt insecure before. He had always gotten who he wanted, what he wanted (when he was in position to do so. Masters don't count)

But watching Naomi read the book that he had found for her as a Christmas present from across the room.

She had been elated, she had kissed him right in front of Alexa and Brynn (much to Alexa's distaste)

But what if she did get sick of him and wish him away. Before he would have been happy to finally be rid of her. But now, he really didn't like the twisting feeling in his chest and stomach at the thought of it.

"You ok over there?" Cato snapped out of his thoughts to see Naomi had lowered her book and was looking right at Cato with a smile.

"You look like you've ate something wrong." Naomi said.

"I'm fine." Cato said a bit too quickly.

Naomi wasn't convinced.

"Why are you all the way over there?" She asked slightly shy, pulling her blankets over her as if to make a point.

Cato quickly teleported himself from his spot across the room and into the bed next to her. She happily snuggled up to her genie and continued reading. Cato tried to follow along but the words blurred together and he quickly became bored, so instead he stared at the ceiling, and thought. Something he felt he had been doing too much of lately.

But the thought of Naomi wishing him away kept resurfacing in his mind.

He looked down and saw his master staring up at him.

"What" he asked

"You are acting weird" Naomi said

"No I'm not."

"Yes, yes you are." Naomi argued back "you keep making funny faces like you are in pain."

Cato didn't respond

"What's going on?" Naomi asked, placing the bookmark in her book and laying it on the nightstand next to her, then draping herself over her genie.

"Nothing why don't you believe me?" Cato said a bit too shortly, Naomi frowned. And pulled away,

"Fine if you don't want to tell me it's fine." Naomi said, looking away.

Cato instantly felt his heart drop to his stomach 'idiot this is exactly how you will get her to wish you away.'

He sighed "fine, I've been thinking too much." He mumbled

"You. Thinking" Naomi teased

"Ha ha." Cato rolled his eyes

"Anyways you still have two wishes brat."

"...oh" Naomi said quiet, realization dawning on her.

"And you know what happens if you make the last wish right?" Cato asked

"You leave." Naomi asked, Cato nodded "you'll never see me again."

The two sat in silence.

"So I guess if you ever get sick of me." Cato shrugged, and then Naomi looked up at him. A different realization hitting her

"You are afraid I'm going to wish you away." She said. She was met with silence, and him not meeting her eyes. That's the only answer she needed.

"What if I did the opposite." Naomi asked

"Huh?" Cato asked

"What if I wished for you to be free?"

"It's not that easy." Cato said nervous.

"Why not?"

"Youd have to bring my case in front of The Creator." He answers

"The Creator?" Naomi asked,

"Yeah, she created all of us, if it wasn't obvious. The most powerful sorceress in our world." Cato explained, and Naomi gulped. So it wasn't like in the movies.

"She doesn't take kindly to people trying to free us." Cato said

"Why though? If she's the most powerful sorceress in the world couldn't she just...create another one to replace you?"

Cato shrugged "possessive maybe."

#Catomi #thats the ship name #thats what this will be tagged under #writeblr #creative writing #thats all for now

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tanaka-asuka-san · 3 months

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I think my mental health is at an all time low.

Read if you want, but it's me rambling about my depression for multiple paragraphs. You are more than welcome to ignore this.

At 32 years old, I've never had a meaningful romantic relationship. The closest I've ever come was awful for myself and one of the worst "first relationships" I feel anyone can go through. They had just gotten out of multiple back to back long term relationships and after asking them out, I was told that they also liked me but wanted an open relationship because they wanted to be free to date whoever they wanted for a while. Me being so happy that someone actually returned my feelings in any way, I insisted I was okay with it to my own detriment. I never felt like I was enough and I ended up not being the person they stayed with at the end, so I guess I was right.

My cat is 16 years old and is not the healthiest. He's about the only thing that keeps me going most days and I know he doesn't have a lot of time left. I really don't know what will happen after he's gone and if I think about it too much I break down.

I work in a call center for tech support because it's that, retail, food service, or manual labor. I've been passed up for promotions 5 times now in the 3 years I've been there. A couple of those by people who were less experienced and less reliable. But they wait hand and foot on management and I refuse to do that. I ask relevant questions and push back against changes that will negatively affect my department, my job, and my team. But upper management doesn't want that. Can't think for yourself, just do exactly what they want when they want and question nothing. I'm good at my job and the only thing it gets me is fuck all.

And to top it off, I've learned recently that within the next year or so, the home that I thought I finally had, won't be my home anymore. Will we even be able to pay off the mortgage by selling the house? Doubtful. The housing market is shit right now. I feel like there are other options but it seems like I'm the only one who feels that way. That was honestly my breaking point. I've cried so many times this week and I doubt that will be stopping. I can't start over again. I just can't. I'm just so tired, every fucking day, and I don't know why I even try anymore. The continue screen costs more coins every day and it feels like I'm running out.

I've been depressed for nearly 2 decades now and honestly it doesn't even feel like depression anymore. I feel empty every day of my life. I have no goals, no aspirations, and any I had when I was young have long since died. I don't even know who I am as a person. I just sit in my basement cycling between vtuber streams, games, anime, and books, all to keep myself out of my own head. I just don't know what the point is anymore.

I've always been the person who does their best to help their friends when they're going through shit and telling them that it'll get better. But all this time I've never been able to look at myself in the mirror and say the same thing. I'm so fucking fake.

I just needed to put my thoughts and pain somewhere because if I don't, I'll fucking explode. Who am I? I certainly don't know.

#i know some people from my personal life follow me on here in some form #you are more than welcome to ask me about this #i dont have it in me to gloss over any of it anymore and act like I'm okay #so I'm not going to #so if I dont seem like myself #you never knew me #you knew the me i wanted you to know

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foggyparadisecandy · 5 months

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Foggy 2.0

Just a recap of the good things that have happened in the last two+ months since my partner split.

It's been a lot tbh ...

I've reconnected with RL friends that I have not seen since pre-COVID. I forgot how fun some of these idiots are. lol

I've made a crapton of new friends online. I love hearing people's stories and ... ngl ... damages. I feel comfort in other people's pains and struggles. It makes me understand that we all have challenges. Life goes on.

I've met a very special, interesting woman who is combination supportive and challenging - calling out my bullshit one moment and encouraging my insanity the next. Who could ask for anything better from a friend?

I lost ten pounds ... somewhat unhealthily at first because I wasn't eating ... but it's all good. I wanted to get a bit thinner so ... yeah! I'm happy about this for the most part.

I have recharged my work life for the first time in a decade. Still got some ways to go but I've set a huge goal for next year and my goal is to knock it out of the park. I want to make a shit ton of money to create some sort of trauma relief or self-help resources for hurting people. Possibly military specific resources. Not sure yet. I have time to figure it out.

I'm sorting through parental damages that have plagued me my entire life. IDK if this will ever get sorted - it's been in me for a long time but I'm going to do my best to process it in a healthy way so I can minimize the damages and recognize the symptoms of unhealthy behaviors. I've been pretty low on myself my entire life lol ... "low" is an understatement. haha. Either way ... working on it now!

I'm exercising a good amount. It's kind of boring but also ... I find it to be meditative when I get in the zone. Plus I'm seeing muscles that I haven't seen for a looooong time. lol. I'm not vain but it does help with my self-confidence to feel in a decent shape.

My home life isn't better necessarily but there is a lot more transparency and open-ness. Honestly this hasn't been on my top 10 things I've even given a shit about working on for a long time. Still isn't. There is more to life than mere existence, dear readers. It's ok to want more and be honest with yourself and your partner(s).

I've been more open with people about my pain and depression. I've made some strong connections with people who have taken my authenticity as an opportunity to express their own challenges. I think mental health is a dirty dangerous secret and I'm ok with putting it out there and giving people the courage to do the same.

I've gotten to know a lot more about myself through reading and talking with a lot of those damaged folks I've met online and in RL. lol. I am learning new things all the time - really stretching myself to grow and evolve. Hard fucking work and I have a long way to go but ... I really am enjoying it.

I feel ... stronger in all ways. More capable. More clear-headed. I have desires like I haven't for a very long time. Desires to achieve more with my life. Do more. Help more people. Make a difference.

I feel better about myself and who I am. No matter what struggles I have with self-image, it's been ... heart-warming ... to hear people tell me about kindnesses small and large that I've done for them over the years in an effort to remind me of who I am. It's ... IDK ... I guess karma is a real thing. I'm a pretty kind and nice person and I've put out a lot of love to people in need. I didn't do it for gain, but it sure is nice to hear people paying it back and giving me ego boosts here and there.

I love and I forgive. I am working on setting boundaries - I don't understand them. I know that. But also I'm talking with my therapist about figuring out a balance here. If I choose to love you, I'm going all in and loving you hard. I'm ok with being kind and supportive. I'm ok with forgiving those I love. I feel they deserve it and I think too many people haven't had enough love or forgiveness in their lives. I don't see my approach as weakness. It's strength.

I was blessed by being part of my former partner's life for as long as she allowed it. It was fucking amazing. She was so open and lovely about everything. Open to trying things. She taught me so much about myself and life. It's funny ... she always had the control ... I knew that and ... as much as it hurt me the way she exercised it (she could have done it differently fr but I forgive 100%) ... I hope she understands it and it gives her comfort - she has power and control even in the submissive role in a relationship. Good thing to keep in mind.

I was blessed that my partner was so brave and strong and showed me how someone with such a tough start to life could perservere and rise to the occasion. It inspired me tbh. It's one of the primary things that made me fall for her. Yeah ... she's got some work to do ... who doesn't? But she's got the core characteristics to succeed in life. She'll go far. I believe in her.

I was extremely fortunate that she reached out and helped ease so many of my fears over her well-being. I honestly can't thank her enough. I feel a million times better. My worry for her was crushing me. My worry that I had hurt her. My worry that she would be killed. So many small worries that she put to rest. I know how hard that was for her to do. She confirmed my belief in her character - even if she probably still doesn't see what I see. I have faith that if she keeps going, she'll get there. I believe in her. Yeah ... I repeated that. My blog so ... suck it.

I 100% Achievements on Binding of Isaac. There were 99 Achievements - I'm taking this as a win! I had started playing this right before the split and I couldn't find the motivation to start a new game so this was a good one to be immersed in ... 400+ hours to distract myself from stuff. Good times.

There's dozens of other small things, here and there.

I won't go so far as expressing gratitude for the break-up but I feel that it's woken me up to more possibilities in my life and ... yeah ... fuck it ... I guess there is some gratitude in there after all.

I'm ok with that.

#catharsis #self love #self care

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meg2md · 1 year

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(Very small The White Lotus season 1 spoilers?)

It's BROILING in my room right now. Just, fucking broiling. I think it's in the single digits outside but my parents' house is old and this room is way way way too hot so my window is open...

I know I've journaled a lot about this lately but I just turned 31 so it's on my mind... man, 30/2022 was WILD. This time last year, I would never have guessed in a thousand lifetimes that I'd have broken off my ENGAGEMENT with my partner of 9 years, gotten dumped by my rebound (lol), and ended up in a city in a completely different state for residency instead of getting married and staying in my home state. My life took a DRAMATIC change, and now I'm living this completely separate reality from what I'd been imagining for not only all of medical school, but the entirety of my long-term relationship. Wild. Bonkers. Unfathomable. Who am I?

Multiple of my friends have said it and I was thinking it: 30 had MAJOR tower vibes. (Lol tarot is a thing I get into every once in awhile.) It was a year of burning everything to the fucking ground. SHWOOP. Fuckin GONE. And I'm currently re-living the trauma of my ?dis-engagement/(first) breakup, because it all started to come up in full force about this time last year. December 2021 through January 2022.... yeah.... I still get nightmares. Even as the one who broke it off, it was the HARDEST thing I have ever done. Period. It makes me sick to my stomach. Knowing what I know now (even though it was the right choice), I don't think I could do it again because it was just too painful. I was watching The White Lotus season 1 with my brother today, and there were moments in Rachel Patton's story line that made my stomach churn because I have felt those feelings. Things could have gone very differently for me. Like, I could have been her: "I'm happy. I'll be happy, I promise."

In my head cannon, they don't last very long after the airport.

Anyway, in light of this I had my friend do a tarot reading for this coming year, 31/2023. I burned things to the ground, but in the aftermath maybe something beautiful can blossom? "When a horrific loss uproots us, we leave pieces of us behind in the soil, the structure on which we built our identity reduced to nothing more than an absent appendage, left behind to rot... [but] rotting [becomes] a means to transform." (In Shock, Rana Awdish). It's super corny, but I've always identified with cycles of death and rebirth. For example, how the fuck did I go from almost failing out of college to being an actual obstetrician/gynecologist? Um, what? How did I go from massively struggling with binge eating to being a super healthy (almost athletic) weight for almost a decade without much trouble?? And most recently, how did I go from being engaged to my partner of nine years (and spending all nine years trying to convince myself I'd be happy having kids) to being SINGLE??? Free?? Unshackled??? In a new state? My whole life was once scripted and now it's UNWRITTEN. It's great. It's horrible. I'm excited. I'm fucking terrified.

30 was bonkers, but I think it set the groundwork for me to have some MAJOR growth at 31. I asked my friend to do a reading outlining the coming year and how I can take advantage of the chaos I've created. A brief synopsis of my reading (to help me process): the part of me most prominent now is dominated by swords. Typical tbh hahaha. Bound, chained, conflicted. While I recently broke those chains, my wounds are still weeping, and I'm still stuck in place by the pain that ripping free from them caused. My past and future are wands: the past is largely conflict, comparisons with others, and competition; the future is me rising above that and finding contentment and balance within myself. I consciously focus on external forces (my career, new friendships, hobbies, fitness) while subconsciously I'm still riddled with addictions and temptations - specifically in this situation, CO-DEPENDENCE. This year I need to work on being the person who is there for me!! And ultimately, I think I have the fire under my ass to do it. The ultimate outcome of the situation is that I find balance with myself - that pentacles card that indicates reciprocal relationships signifies the relationship I will build with myself.

Ultimately a very positive reading!!! But one that indicates the time ahead is going to be hard. Boy howdy, it's already been hard. And not only am I re-living the break-up with my long-term partner, but my more recent break-up is intermittently fucking me up still. But, "Love arrives exactly when it needs to; love leaves when it must."

SO. Some goals for myself in the coming weeks as I enter 31 and 2022 comes to a close:

workout 2x/week

continue catching up on all things Cosmere

finish Melancholy of Mechagirl

finish On a Sunbeam

COOK FOOD

keep house clean

On a closing note, can't believe I have to go back to work in 2 days. It's criminal. Wish me luck driving 4.5 hours back to residency in this fucking blizzard weather :')

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biggest-gaudiest-patronuses · 3 years

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So I (finally!) bought a pair of really good noise cancelling headphones, and it has changed my life! It's the fanciest thing I've bought in years, so to recoup some of the cost, I’ve researched & written a little essay based on my experiences with extreme noise sensitivity.

Hypersensitivity to sound is something I’ve dealt with all of my life, but I only recently found out it's medically known a Hyperacusis. (Please note this is a separate condition from Misophonia.) If you consistently struggle to cope with noise, the info below could be helpful! I’m including a link to my ko-fi, and I will be answering questions in the notes.

(skip to the bottom to read fun facts about my tax return and/or street organs vendettas!)

DISCLAIMER: I am not a professional, this is based solely on my experiences as a patient, and on what I have read and been told by professionals. Please notify me if you have corrections or concerns about accuracy!

BACKGROUND: Sensitivity to sound is a common type of sensory issue. While anyone can experience such issues (most people, for example, might be bothered by loud music in a crowded restaurant), some people are more sensitive than others, to the point it becomes a quality-of-life aka a medical issue.

If you consistently struggle with environmental stimuli that other people aren’t bothered by (background noises, bright lights, certain textures and tastes, etc), to the point it causes daily discomfort or limits the environments you can be in, I recommend reading about Sensory Processing Disorder.

SPD and sound sensitivity are both super common in autistic folks (like me!), but allistic (non-autistic) people can experience them too. Weep, ye prisoners of mortal coil, for none are safe, nothing sacred, not in this thy most accursed tomb of human flesh!

Anyway.

SOUND SENSITIVITY or HYPERACUSIS: Noise issues are particularly difficult to navigate in a world that is increasingly...noisy. The relatively new phenomenon of constant overhead music in restaurants, grocery stores, shopping malls etc—all of this means that public spaces are increasingly inaccessible to people with auditory issues.*

As a kid, nothing quite triggered sensory overload/meltdowns for me like the constant exposure to noise I couldn’t control—the background chatter of other kids in the lunchroom, the constant noise in public spaces, being trapped in the car with the radio on.... I had so many fights with my siblings about the car radio, and who got to choose the music.**

But it’s not just loud sounds that are the problem. As an adult who lives alone and works from home***, I’m lucky enough to be able to avoid loud environments most of the time. This does wonders for my general levels of anxiety and discomfort. But even in a mostly controlled environment, I still experience problems. Because part of sound sensitivity is that even normal or quiet sounds can feel loud and intrusive. Here are some “normal” sounds that can cause me discomfort (ranging from annoyance to outright pain, depending on the day):

refrigerator/AC/ceiling lights humming

dishwasher/washing machine noises

ceiling fan making that damn ceiling fan noise

faint sounds of traffic

riding in a car

other people having a normal conversation in the background

someone talking to me in a perfectly normal inside voice

Unfortunately, even in a “controlled” environment, many triggering noises can’t be controlled. And many parts of life can’t be lived in a controlled environment. This presents...some incredibly freaking annoying problems. Luckily there are solutions!

Sorta.

There are sorta some solutions.

They are imperfect, but they help.

TREATMENT: And now I have something rather shame-faced to admit. In all the years of managing my symptoms, it never once occurred to me to see a hearing specialist for my issues with sound. I wasn’t even aware that treatment options exist, because none of my other doctors mentioned it. Instead, I’ve spent years finding my own coping mechanisms and tools, with help from therapists and psychiatrists, but without ever consulting an audiologist/ENT. It was only while researching this post that I found out that was even an option, holy shit.

So it turns out I am going to be making an appointment with my local ENT practice. shit.

Apparently treatment options include sound/acoustic therapy, systematic desensitization/exposure therapy, cognitive behavior therapy, sound machines, and other options that I had no idea even existed, goddammit.

MANAGEMENT: In the meantime, here are my current coping mechanisms. I’ve relied rather heavily on hearing protection, which is very useful when used in moderation. Unfortunately, it can cause its own problems: it’s important not to overuse hearing protection, because in the long-term this can increase your sensitivity. So again: a useful tool, but be careful not to overdo it.

With that in mind, here are some of the coping strategies I’ve used over the last decade to manage my symptoms. This is not a perfect system and you should contact your local ENT clinic for better, long-term solutions, but in the meantime here are some tips I use to just get myself through the damn day:

Regularly spending time in a quiet controlled environment, to allow my nervous system to decompress.

Wearing earplugs, (I use two different grade, depending on the level of noise prevention I need), and always carrying an extra pair in case I need them unexpectedly. I bought a 50 pack for $7 and put spares in all my bags and jacket pockets.

(I mostly use Mack’s Ultra Soft, but there are so many types and materials and brands, including foam, silicone, wax, custom moldable etc. Even if you have trouble wearing things in your ears, you might be able to find something comfortable.)

Similarly: hearing protection earmuffs, the kind used in gun ranges and on construction sites. I bought mine online for $10. they look like normal wireless headphones, so I've never gotten comments when wearing mine in public (other than “cool heaphones” bc i added skull glitter stickers).

Sometimes I wear the earmuffs on top of earplugs, when life is just too damn LOUD.

Listening to music w/ earbuds or headphones is a great way to balance out background noises, especially if you can find soothing playlists that help you concentrate. Also useful to put in just one earbud when you need to pay attention in class/at work.

Pro tip: if your hair is long enough you can wear wireless earbuds without anyone knowing.

White noise, rain noises, ocean noises etc can be helpful! Some people like whale songs although personally this activates my primal fear response

Active noise cancelling headphones: the reason I wrote this post to begin with—I finally bought a pair! As in, a really good pair! As in, a depressingly expensive pair with noise cancelling technology that actually WORKS, holy shit. I probably need to wear them a little less at home (bc overprotection causes problems in the longterm) but they have absolutely transformed my ability to go out in public and i never ever want to take these suckers off again please take a power screwdriver and nail these to my head, bury me in the sweet sweet shroud of silence. holy canoli and cream puffs I want to marry form a civil partnership with these headphones. Plus they have a bunch of features, like being able to control the level of noise cancellation, so I can hold a conversation or be aware of some ambient noise for safety reasons.

Oh, and also they play music I guess?

Sorry sorry I promise this post wasn’t supposed to be me shilling for Big Electronics. I’m just excited, I’m an excited flabby little ball of expired flubber. ANC headphones aren’t a perfect solution, and I still sometimes wear earplugs underneath, and I will always be uncomfortable some of the time, but for me it’s been a big step.

Unfortunately the cost of good quality ANC technology means this isn’t an option for everyone, and the (much cheaper) gunshot protection earmuffs I mentioned earlier still provide an impressive amount of protection and bang-for-your buck (maybe even an equal amount of protection, if you can find ones that fit well). But if noise consistently prevents you from enjoying public space and life in general, and you’ve already tried earmuffs & earplugs and find they don’t offer enough comfort/convenience/protection, and if you’re in a position to save up for a one time non-necessity purchase of $150+, noise cancelling headphones are an option to be aware of. (Please always check the return policy so you can try before you buy. I ended up buying and returning 2 pairs before finding what worked best for me. And please look for a retailer that offers an extended warranty. You want those motherforkers to last).

There are cheaper options available, including some under $50. The ones I tried didn't work as well as my hearing protection earmuffs, but some people report good experiences, so that is something to consider. it's always good to know your options! Passive noise canceling is another affordable alternative.

Medication: A final tool in my toolbox, which for me personally has helped as much as every other method combined. Like, a lot, it’s helped a lot. It turns out some anti-anxiety medications can also help sensory issues. There’s not much research on this, and I only discovered it firsthand when a medication my doctor prescribed for anxiety ended up significantly helping my sensory issues. I no longer need medication for anxiety, but my psychiatrist still prescribes that same medication off-label for my sensory stuff. Ask your psychiatrist to research your options (they will probably have to do some digging to find relevant research, but you deserve to know all your options, even the obscure ones). Fyi, the medication I use is in the benzodiazepines class, but there are other options for those concerned about dependency or side effects.

(I'm also told anti-anxiety supplements may be helpful, though I haven't tried this yet. If you're on prescription meds, always talk to your doctor about contraindications before taking anything over-the-counter.)

So there you have it, my main coping strategies for sound sensitivity! They are not a replacement for medical treatment (except that last one which is in fact...medical treatment), but I find them helpful and I hope some of you will too! I’ve struggled for a long time, and I’m very pleased to have reached the point where I can just do things in public. Eating out in loud restaurants? I can do that now, and even enjoy it, holy shit! I can comfortably travel in cars for hours at a time, and walk around shopping malls and grocery stores with overhead music, and, and —and just exist. It is so so freeing, to feel like maybe, after everything, you are actually allowed to just exist in a world that wasn’t really designed for you.

Again, be careful not to overuse hearing protection—the goal is to allow you to be less uncomfortable and to function better, but if you find you are becoming more sensitive to noise, it is time to dial it back a notch. Or maybe consider listening to music (at a reasonable volume) to block out background noise instead.

*(This also includes people with hearing loss and related issues, btw. While that’s not my area of knowledge, I would welcome it if any of my HoH followers want to share their experiences.)

**A sign of sensory issues that parents often miss is when a child complains about music being too loud—but has no problem listening to their own music at high volume. This is because music that is already familiar to the listener (and that the listener enjoys) is much easier for the brain to process, since it knows what pattern of sounds to expect. Loud music that they get to control can be soothing for people with sound issues, especially when it blocks out background noise and sensations. This is why repetitively playing the same songs can be a helpful form of stimming.

***(working on this blog, actually. since it’s my only source of income, my 2020 income tax return literally lists my occupation as ‘Tumblr Blogger.’ Oddly, my parent didn’t feel this achievement was worth including in the holiday family newsletter.)

bonus fun fact: Charles Babbage aka “father of the computer” may have been autistic and hypersensitive to sound. He definitely had a huge problem with public noise pollution, and spent his later year waging a war on street musicians (and organ grinders in particular).

(bc like, yeah. screw organ grinders.)

Sometimes when I’m out in public and the overhead music is particularly unbearable, I’ll take a moment to look up to the sky and scream out: “HE TRIED TO WARN US! THE FATHER OF COMPUTERS TRIED TO WARN US!!! we should have listened, sweet heaven we should have listened!”

except i don’t scream it, i say it very quietly under my breath

(i have issues with noise)

so yeah that is my short essay. and here is the ko-fi goal

k ciao i gotta go pick out glitter stickers for my headphones

#actuallyautistic #not a shitpost #holy shit how did i spend 3 hours writing this what even is my blog #this blog is supposed to be blue whale anxiety and uncomfortably sexy clown jokes #what am i doing #sensory processing disorder #sensory issues #mental health #actually autistic #NOTIFY ME OF ANY TYPOS #i proofread this 5 times my eyes weep an unceasing flood of blood and regret #adhd #actuallyadhd #autism #sensory problems

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lee-scribbles-and-doodles · 3 years

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My Top Ten Overlooked Movies With Female Leads In No Particular Order

Note: When you see this emoji (⚠️) I will be talking about things people may find triggering, which are spoilery more often then not. I mention things that I think may count as triggers so that people with them will be aware before going in to watch any of these.

Edited: 3/16/21

Hanna (2011)

So, before I get into why you should watch this movie, I just want to take a moment to say why it's near and dear to my heart. Growing up as a queer kid in the early 2000s, seeing portrayals of people like or similar to myself on anything was rare at best. It was mostly in more "adult" movies or shows that my parents would occasionally let me watch with them that I'd see any lgbtq+ rep at all. Often times they were either walking stereotypes, designed to be buried, evil, or all three.

Then here comes this PG-13 action thriller with a wonderfully written main female lead who, at the time, was close to my age, and who got to kiss another girl (her very first friend, Sophie) on screen in an extremely tender and heartwarming scene. To say the least, it was a life changing moment for me personally.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, Hanna is a suspenseful movie about a child super-soldier named, you guessed it, Hanna (played by Saoirse Ronan) and her adoptive (?) father Erik Heller (played by Eric Bana) exiting the snowy and isolated wilderness of their home and taking on the shadowy CIA operative, Marissa Wiegler (played by Cate Blanchette) who wants Erik dead and Hanna for herself for mysterious reasons.

It also has an amazing soundtrack by the Chemical Brothers, great action scenes, and it has an over arching fairytale motif, which I'm always a sucker for.

⚠️ Mild blood effects, some painful looking strikes, various character deaths, and child endangerment all feature in this film. However, given its PG-13 rating, a majority of viewers are presumably able to handle this one. Still, be aware of these going in.

Sidenote: It's recently gotten a TV adaptation on Amazon TV, although I have not watched it, and do not know if Hanna and Sophie's romantic/semi-romantic relationship has transferred over.

A Simple Favor

A Simple Favor is a "black-comedy mystery thriller" centered entirely around the relationship between two mothers, the reclusive, rich, mysterious, and regal Emily (played by Blake Lively), and the local recently widowed but plucky mommy blogger, Stephanie (played by Anna Kendrick). When Emily suddenly goes missing, Stephanie takes it upon herself to find out what happened to her new best friend.

It's a fantastic and entertaining movie throughout, with fun, flawed and interesting characters. The relationship between the two female leads is also implied to be at least somewhat romantic in nature, and they even share a kiss.

⚠️ The only major warnings I can think of is that the movie contains an instance of incest and one of the main plotlines revolves around child abuse, although both of these potentially triggering topics are not connected to each other, so there is thankfully no csa going on.

Edit: I legitimately forgot there was drug use in this movie until now. So, yeah, if that's a trigger, be careful of that.

I Am Mother

I became mildly obsessed with this movie when it came out. I Am Mother is a sci-fi film that centers entirely around a cast of two woman, and a female-adjacent robot who is brought to life on screen with absolutely amazing practical effects.

The plot is such, after an extinction-level event, a lone robot known only as Mother tasks herself with replenishing the human race via artifical means. She begins with the film's main protagonist, Daughter. Years go by as Mother raises her human child and the two prepare for Daughter's first sibling (a brother) to be born. However, on Daughter's 16th birthday, the arrival of an outsider known only as Woman shakes Daughter's entire world view. She begins to question Mother's very nature, as well as what's really going on outside the bunker she and her caretaker call home.

⚠️ This movie features child endangerment and reference to child death.

Lilo and Stitch

When I decided to add a single Disney film to this list I initially thought it was going to be hard but almost immediately my brain went to Lilo and Stitch, and specifically about the relationship between Lilo and Nani.

On the surface, this film is about a lonely little girl accidentally adopting a fugitive alien creature as a "dog," but underneath that the story is also about two orphaned sisters and the older sister's attempts to not let social services tear them apart by stepping up as the younger sister's primary guardian. Despite its seemingly goofy premise, Lilo and Stitch has a very emotional and thoughtful center. It's little wonder how this movie managed to spawn an entire franchise.

Despite the franchise it spawned (or possibly because of it), I often find that Lilo and Stitch is overlooked and many people only remember it for the "little girl adopts an alien as a pet" portion of its plot, and I very rarely see it on people's top 10 Disney lists.

⚠️ This movie could be potentially triggering to people who were separated from their siblings or other family members due to social service intervention. There's also a bit of child endangerment, including a scene where Lilo and Stitch both almost drown.

Nausicaä and the Valley of the Wind

Unlike the above entry, I did struggle a little bit with picking a single Studio Ghibli film. Most media of the Ghibli catalogue have strong, well-written, unique, and interesting female leads so selecting just one seemed like quite the task.

However, I eventually settled on this particular film. In recent months, Princess Nausicaä has become my absolute favorite Ghibli protagonist and I'm absolutely enchanted by the world she lives in.

Set in a post-apocalyptic world overun by giant insects and under threat of a toxic forest and its poisoness spores, Nausicaä must try to protect the Valley of the Wind from invaders as she also tries to understand the science behind the toxic forest and attempts to bridge the gap between the insects and the humans.

For those who have never seen the film, I think Nausicaä's personality can best be described as being similar to OT Luke Skywalker. Both are caring, compassionate, and gentle souls who are able to see the best in nearly anyone or anything. She's an absolutely enthralling protagonist and after rewatching the film again for the first time in well over a decade she has easily become one of my all time favorite protagonists.

Whenever I see people talk about Ghibli films, they rarely mention this one, and when they do mention it, it's often in passing. In my opinion it's a must watch.

⚠️ This movie contains some blood, and the folks who either don't like insects or who have entomophobia may not appreciate the giant bugs running about throughout the movie. (Although most insects do not directly relate to real life bugs, and are fantasy creatures).

A Silent Voice

A Silent Voice is an animated movie adaptation of a manga of the same name. While I've never had the pleasure to read the manga, the movie is phenomenal. It covers topics such a bullying, living in the world with a disability, the desire for atonement, social anxiety, and depression in a well thought out manner that ties itself together through the progression of the relationship between its two leads, Shoya and Shouko. It's also beautifully animated. Although very popular among anime viewers, I've noticed that it's often overlooked by people who watch little to no anime. So I suppose this is me urging non-anime viewers to give this film a chance.

⚠️ As mentioned above, the movie deals with bullying, anxiety, and depression (with this last one including suicidal thoughts and behaviour). If discussion of those topics are triggering to you, than you may want to proceed with caution or skip this movie all together.

In This Corner of The World

Another manga adaptation, this one taking place during WWII-era Japan. In This Corner of The World follows the life of a civilian Japanese woman, Suzu Urano, as she navigates simply living and her new marriage as the wartime invades nearly all aspects of everyday life. I think this movie is a good representation of what it must be like to be living as civilian in a country at war where the fight is sometimes fought on one's own soil. It was also an interesting look into pre-50s Japanese culture in my opinion. It's also beautifully animated featuring an art style I don't see often.

Despite it being well known among anime fans, I never really see it be brought up, even among said anime fans themselves.

Side note: I've seen many WWII dramas centering around civilians but they've almost always been about American or UK civilians. This was the first movie I'd seen that features the perspective of a Japanese civilain.

⚠️ Features the death of a child and limb loss. There's also a disturbing scene featuring a victim of one of the atomic bombs near the end.

Wolf Children: Ame and Yuki

This film follows Hana, a Japan-native woman who fell in love with a magical shape-shifting wolf-man, and her trials with raising their children, who can also magically shape-shift into wolves, on her own. It's a very heartfelt movie about a mother's love and the struggles of doing right by your children when you have limited resources to actively guide and care for them. All the characters feel unique and alive in my opinion. Also, the animation is so good that my sister and I initially mistook it for a Ghibli film.

Again, like the previous two anime entries, I don't see it ever brought up outside of anime circles.

⚠️ There's some child endangerment present in the film, although none of it is the fault of Hana as far as I can remember.

Roman Holiday

Roman Holiday is about the fictional Princess Ann (played by Audrey Hepburn), who while on a whirlwind tour of Europe, finally reaches her breaking point over having her entire life be one big schedule and all her words and actions being rehearsed. In the spur of the moment, she runs away in hopes of experiencing what life is like for other women. Unfortunately, she was previously given a sedative, meaning she doesn't get too far before it takes effect. Fortunately, she is found by the kind reporter Joe Bradley (played by Gregory Peck). Believing her to be drunk and unable to get an address from her (because she has none) he ends up taking her home for safety's sake and allows her to sleep off her suppose drunken stupor. The next day, he realizes who she is, and decides to take her on a fun sight seeing trip across Rome in hopes of getting the big scoop. Along the way, they begin to fall for each other.

This is my favorite black and white, old romance film. I think the relationship between the main characters is absolutely beautiful and I have a lot of fun watching it.

⚠️ I'm not entirely sure what kind of warning this film would need. However, it was released in 1953, so values dissonance will probably be at play for many viewers to at least some extent. For example, early in the film Ann is given sedation drugs by her doctor for her behavior, something that is very unlikely to happen today. Also, Mr Bradley deciding to take Ann home to keep her safe rather than call the police or an ambulance is a very pre-90s decision in my opinion.

#hanna 2011 #a simple favor #i am mother #lilo and stitch #nausicaä of the valley of the wind #a silent voice #in this corner of the world #wolf chilren ame and yuki #wolf children #roman holiday #black and white film #anime #disney #studio ghibli #movie recs #top 10

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dhaaruni · 2 years

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I'm struggling with the feeling of being someone who, at this point, simply cannot die but has gotten closer than I care to admit at multiple points. I know this is something you've referenced a little before, but how do you come to terms with being alive in the aftermath of everything?

This has been sitting in my inbox for a while so I thought I'd take a stab at it today.

You're right, I do pretty regularly think about the Anne Carson quote, "I am someone who did not die when I should have died" since I never planned on making it to 27 and being like, healthy and functional and relatively happy and I think about more than I used to because of the levels of success I've been attaining of late. I wasn't actively suicidal for very long but I simply didn't want to be alive for extended periods of time in my late teens and early 20s and I also got very physically close to death a few times, which changes and ages you long before your time.

There's that John Darnielle quote that floats around every so often which comes to mind here:

“I don’t think that I accepted that I wasn’t gonna die young until I was 26 or 27. I really don’t think I fully…when I was 14, 15, 16, 17–I mean I knew as sure as I know that I am wearing green shoes that I was going to die before much happened. It was a certainty for me. And I had shaken off the directly suicidal urge by the time I was 21 or 22, but I still was pretty sure I was going to die pretty young, it really felt like an inevitability. It takes a long time to realize no, you’ve changed…if you shared those feelings with people at some point you go, ‘well, I guess we’re going to stick around.’ And it’s a funky thing to admit because there’s a part of your inner younger self that kind of judges you for that.”

And you could say I relate.

I’ve come to terms with most of the things I did and said when I was hurt but despite being healthier and happier than I’ve ever been, I’m sometimes still completely terrified that I’m going to bring about impenetrable darkness to those I love wherever I go because of the nature of my past, because of my history of violence against myself. I’m afraid that because of my long-standing existential despair, because of not wanting to be alive for a large portion of my life, there is nothing more to me than the pain that I felt, the pain that was often self-inflicted in more ways than one and that is all I can bring to the table. But I have come to realize, there is life after survival and no amount of fear and anger and abject sadness can take that away from me.

The thing about expressly not wanting to be alive for an entire decade is that you stop planning for a future that you don’t believe you’ll be around for. When I was 17, I was flying home from Boston and on that cross country flight, I distinctly remember thinking, who cares what college I get into because I’m not going to be alive to graduate anyway. I planned out what outfit I wanted to wear at my funeral and contemplated what color I would write my death notes to my loved ones and the weird thing is, I never called them suicide notes even to myself because that seemed far too intentional to me and some part of me was convinced that I was born to die young so I didn’t need to put in the effort to kill myself.

But I’m 27 now and that time still hasn’t come and I’ve stopped expecting it. Somewhere along the line, something changed within me, like a candle being snuffed out, and I just simply ceased believing in my long prophesied death and began desperately wanting to do and say and simply be as much I can in my time on this Earth.

However, as I'm sure you understand, some part of me sometimes hardcore judges myself for wanting to live so badly and doing so much to ensure my own survival, fighting until my knuckles are bleeding and burning what bridges have rotted and crying so much the salt dries out the skin on my cheeks. It feels gauche and pathetic and downright childish to be so doggedly determined to live but I’ve grown to accept that aspect of myself, the "silliness of living" as Voltaire once called it. The fragments of good, no matter how small, will always endure and I really believe that.

In any case, despite the sorrow that makes up the blood flows through my veins and all the inarticulable damage that has been done to and by me, I made a decision some years back to defend life complete with all its accumulated anguish, fury, confusion and most of all, its complete mundaneness. And so I go on continuing to do just that. So the answer to your question of how I come to terms with being alive is simply, I don't think about the details, and I go on living because I don't want to give the world the satisfaction of my snuffing out and I want my survival against many odds to be worth something.

#answered #anonymous #I give advice sometimes #my writing

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ncitycafe-blog · 5 years

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word count: 2.3k

—

it was late, about 10 pm, but you were in a relatively safe part of downtown so you felt safe walking alone, and your apartment wasn't too terribly far. shops were closing one by one, most of your light came from the amber glow of the street lamps with the occasional fluorescent hue from still open convenience stores and office buildings. you were stopped at a light and took time to admire what was around you. there was something so peaceful about the night, you almost got lost in it. up until there was a grip on your elbow, it was gentle but it was so sudden you almost let out a scream.

"babe, sorry!" you looked up a man with slightly longer brown locks. one, mind you, you did not recognize, "i had to close tonight and it took a little longer than usual, i should've texted you to wait inside."

does he have you mistaken for someone else? just as you are about to politely tell him you have no clue what he is on about, he leans down and whispers in your ear.

"if you slyly look over your right shoulder, you'll see a shady looking man. he's been following you for a few blocks now."

you look and, sure enough, you make eye contact with a guy wearing all black and he quickly averts his gaze to look away from you. either way, you had two choices: take the chance of the prince-like stranger being a complete lunatic or take the chance of the guy behind you blitz attacking you the moment he had the opportunity. you took your chances with your knight in shining armor or...nice suit rather.

"it's okay!" you reply cheerily, playing along with the ruse he started, "wanna grab something at the diner before we get home?"

"yeah, sounds great!"

with that, he grabs hold of your hand and the light gives you the go ahead to walk. the guy still follows you two, but now from across the street where he every so often sneaks a quick glance. luckily, he seems to continue walking once you step inside the diner.

"so," you start after the both of you order milkshakes and he gets a burger, "to whom is it i owe thanks for my rescue. and, just to let you know, i carry pepper spray and a pocket knife at all times. that is both a threat and me telling you i could have handled it."

he chuckles, resting his chin on the palm of his hand, "johnny seo."

your blood runs cold at that moment. johnny seo? infamous mafia member under Nterprises? maybe you should have taken your chances with the shady guy.

"don't look so afraid, darling," he says, leaning back against the booth seat. "could never harm a pretty face like yours."

he winks at you, sending a chill down your spine and warmth up to your cheeks.

"well...uh, thank you," you stammer quietly. "isn't it dangerous that i've...y'know...seen your face? for you, that is, because...y'know..."

"hmm, not unless you're confessing right now to having the intention of turning me in, but you seem smarter than that," he shrugs.

your waiter walks up, setting your orders and mumbling a "enjoy" before skittering off. johnny pays no attention to the odd behavior as he dips a fry into his milkshake and then proceeds to eat it, earning an odd look from you.

"what? have you never tried it?" he asks, genuinely shocked when you shake your head. "you have to! it's really good i promise!"

he slides over the fry basket and you mirror his prior action, eyes widening upon realizing he's totally right. he smiles, seemingly pleased with himself for introducing you to one of his favorite food combinations. the two of you finish what you have in silence before he walks you the rest of the way home.

"thank you, again," you say at the lobby entrance, "and for the milkshake, too, though i wish you let me pay."

"no, no, can't let you pay for the first date. however, if you want to buy us coffee sometime..." he trails off.

"date? are you— maybe i should've maced you," you scoff under your breath.

"hey!" he pouts, "that's not very nice."

for a moment, you had forgotten he was a member of one of the most powerful gangs in korea, but that moment was gone upon catching a glimpse of the handgun in his waistband.

"well, better get going!" you laughed nervously, trying to reach the safety of your apartment soon as possible. only, he catches your wrist just as you turn away, whispering lowly in a tone much darker than the one he spoke in all night.

"seriously, i advise you not to try anything, it wouldn't be pretty and i don't look forward to what would have to be done."

with that, he disappears into the shadows of the night, leaving you in the cold embrace of the wind and the moon as your witness. did this make you an accomplice to the mafia? maybe if you just never saw him again, you could pretend it all happened in the first place. head spinning, you finally stepped into your building and made your way up to your room, crashing as soon as your body hit the mattress.

and you didn't see him...for a couple of weeks. but one night, he showed up at your doorstep. how he got through lobby security? you haven't a clue, but he surely was insistent as he brushed passed you, into YOUR home.

"shit, well, come on in i guess," you mumble.

"the night we met," he ignores your remark, annoying you further, "did you notice anything strange?"

"afraid you're going to have to be more specific than that. what kind of strange? two men casually following me strange? handgun on one of said men strange?"

"can you be serious for two seconds?" he pleads, "did you see anyone else suspicious?"

you sigh, taking a moment to actually think, "um, the waiter acted a bit odd. scared, i guess?"

"what did he look like?" he asks firmly.

"jesus fuck i don't kn—"

"well, remember." his tone sounds bitter, harsh.

"woah, attitude much?"

"sorry, sorry," he takes a deep breath and runs a hand through his hair. "i think someone saw us, me, that night."

"why do you think that?" now you're concerned.

he doesn't answer, just hands you an envelope. inside, there are photos of you two walking, sitting in the diner, outside your apartment complex. you can't quite grasp what this all means, but you don't like it one bit.

"i— johnny?" your voice wavers. "w-what does this... am i..."

he nods, "pack a bag, believe it or not you're safer with us for the time being, until we find out who did this."

"us?" you ask, rhetorically.

he nods again, waving you off to go pack as he sits on your couch, placing his head in his hands.

and that's how you wound up under the unexpected protection of Nterprises.

a few months passed, all leads leading to nothing but dead ends. you grew numb to it after awhile, but johnny was frustrated as when the hunt began. a bounty on his head? fine. a bounty on you? it tore him apart. there were times you found him silently weeping alone in the middle of the night when you'd gotten up for any reason, and every time, your heart ached. he blamed himself. sure, from some standpoint he could be held accountable, but this isn't what he wanted. it was just the wrong place at the wrong time.

you had learned more about the "business" whilst living under headquarter's roof, it was only natural. the first night you'd come in everyone was attentive and tried their best to...make you feel welcome. it was the least they could do, and there was no point in wasting time pretending you didn't exist. they knew you would be around for quite some time. Nterprises was built under the lee clan decades ago, and had held steady ever since. taeyong is head of the business, he's the one who really briefed you on everything. he made it very clear they didn't go around killing people as they so please, they hardly did any killing at all. to them, it was all about money, which did set your mind at ease a slight bit. he was surprisingly nurturing, not just to the other members but to you as well, much more so than you ever could have expected. he was one of the ones you saw more often, along with mark and haechan, and johnny of course. doyoung, taeyong's second in command, appeared as cold and indifferent to you, but taeyong assured you he would have your back if the time came. the others were always either busy behind closed doors or away on what mark simply put as "business trips", so you didn't have much interaction with them. you made the best of your time, there was no point to spend it wallowing.

you spent so much time with johnny, you two naturally became insanely close. in the rare times you could forget about the world around you, you would did anything normal friends would. cook and make a mess in the kitchen (much to taeyong's discontent), watch movies, act a damn fool, talk about anything and everything under the sun. he was incredibly goofy, having the boyish charm of a young child. however, he was also the most genuine and caring soul you'd ever met. he was deep thinking and seemed to always appreciate the finer things in life. there was a light in his eyes that never seemed to burn out.

one night, around 2 am, you are woken up by a clatter in the main room. you open your door, taeyong and yuta, one of the other members, run by you in a flash. you follow suit, gasping and tears welling up in your eyes at the sight in front of you. johnny is torn to shreds, scratches covering his face and a couple of deeper wounds on his biceps, probably a broken rib as you examine the way he clutches his side as he writhes on the floor in pain. you push passed the boys, kneeling down beside him.

"what happened? who did this? johnny, oh my god, we need to get you to a hos—"

"nakamoto," he says bitterly through gritted teeth, "your men wish you farewell, i sent them your regards."

you turn around, confused. taeyong has his gun drawn and pointed at yuta, who has a shit eating grin on his face.

"tsk, tsk," he mocks, "too clever for your own good. you really weren't supposed to make it back here tonight, what a shame."

"enough!" taeyong shouts, and it echoes throughout the room.

"yeah, yeah," yuta dismisses him as he puts his hands on his head, "do what you must, i took the risk. besides, i've transferred enough information, i'm really the least of your problems.

taeyong walks him deeper into the house, disappearing into its shadows. you turn back to johnny, tears in your eyes.

"c'mon, w-we have to get you to a hospital," you choke through tears. "doyoung! doyoung, g-get the car he's—"

"he's seen worse," mark says, barely audible above a whisper.

"the kid's right," doyoung sighs, "and we just can't risk that right now. let's get him upstairs and patch him up, we have enough in first aid, patch him up and he'll be okay. as long as he actually rests."

johnny? resting? you would have laughed if not for the circumstances. but you get him upstairs with the help of mark and doyoung, washing your hands and wiping your tears as he sits against the wall of the bathroom, and you begin treating his wounds the best you can. it's silent for awhile, but you finally manage to clear the lump in your throat so you can speak.

"sometimes," you start softly, "i sit in bed and wonder what would happen if things were different."

"what do you mean?" he questions, wincing as you wrap the gashes on his arm.

"what if we met under different circumstances? what if we'd met like in one of those cheesy romance movies, and we'd fallen in love so seemingly oblivious to the cruelties of the world?" you laugh halfheartedly. "or, what if we never met at all? then, neither of us would be here in this moment right now. you wouldn't be hurt, i would just be in my apartment alone probably watching some stupid series on netflix to pass the time alone. and that's just it, i would rather have this than have nothing at all, than not having you. and maybe that's what being in love is, being willing to face anything so long as you have what is most important to you."

the room falls silent again, and you attentively continue to treat his wounds. you feel dumb, like you just made something really awkward out of the situation. you were so overwhelmed that it all just came out without even thinking of what he—

"marry me," he says tenderly, looking into your eyes.

"w-what?"

"i said," he carefully lifts up one of his hands to cup your cheek, "marry me. maybe not now, maybe not this year, but someday."

“someday," you smile, just before placing your lips gently on his.

"i told you!" you hear haechan snickering outside the door.

"children! go to bed!" johnny jokes sternly.

and you both giggle, still sitting there on the bathroom floor as you hear the sound of footsteps fleeing down the hall.

#johnny #johnny seo #johnny suh #johnny seo x reader #nct au #nct fic #nct scenarios #nct imagines #mafia au #nct #nct 127 #nct angst #nct fluff #nct johnny

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confused--castiel · 3 years

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Yo that post you shared about predatory head hits, and Marc Savard's career ending injury... I fucking REMEMBER that CLEARLY, since I was already an adult when it happened. And I remember being absolutely fucking livid because we all knew it was over for him, and everyone was BLAMING HIM, and FUCK MIKE MILBURY THE FUCK KNUCKLE HIMSELF FOR AGREEING IT WAS MARC'S FAULT. I've spent the past 10 years getting violently angry any time I saw Mike Milbury and I just thought it was his queerphobia, and y'know, racism but no, I just forgot about what the fuck he said about Savard because my brain was like "We don't need this sort of negativity."

God it really is just so fucking rage inducing :’))) I’ll be the first to admit I have a bit of a temper skdjcndkv but like how can you not feel pure rage when you see shit like this???? He was my moms favorite player so while I didn’t see it live she explained to me what happened...I was already angry back then and then I see now all the fucking VICTIM BLAMING BULLSHIT LIKE AAAAAAA and dude I didn’t even have to see that to start bawling my eyes out when they announced Barlo was going to the hospital because my brain was just screaming HIS CAREER IS OVER ITS JUST LIKE THE SAVARD HIT AND W*LSON WONT GET ANY PUNISHMENT EITHER

The fucking heart wrenching quote from Peter Chiarelli....."Based on what I see, what I hear, what I read, and what I'm told, it's very unlikely Marc will play again." People who think everyone that’s been hurt by w*lson is just overreacting or whatever just imagine hearing your teams GM say this about one of your favorite players.

And guess what!!! That was on the second concussion!! Matt Cooke’s elbow was the career ender, he was slowly on his way out, but then a former teammate hit him clean and he had to stay in very dimly lit rooms for YEARS afterwards before he could stand the light without too much pain. After the Matt Cooke elbow he was unconscious for TWENTY NINE SECONDS ON THE ICE. Matt Cooke was given no discipline and Colin Campbell said it was his fault and MIKE MILBURY AGREED. Whenever people hate on Jack edwards I just want you to remember who he was replacing. Do you want that back? Do you want someone who celebrates us getting 5 goals in revenge after the Brandon Carlo hit or do you want someone who will say “well damn he shouldn’t have turned I mean look at that he caused himself to be sent to the hospital!”? And what about if bruce plays Carlo in our last game against Washington? The lack of punishment against w*lson means he will likely go after Carlo again. If he connects, it’s literally Over.

Anyway. I may have gotten a little sidetracked skdjcndkc your points are valid and so is your anger, Mike milbury is a piece of shit and so is Colin Campbell and Matt Cooke and tom wilson and George parros and Gary Bettman and the whole caps organization (thank god the pens org at least were like “yeah what Cooke did was wrong so we’re punishing him internally even though the nhl didn’t”) A N D nothing has changed in over a decade thank you and have a nice day :)))

(Side note: it really breaks my heart that Zee, who was the captain during the whole thing with Marc Savard, is now just buddies with w*lson (saw videos of him happily welcoming w*lson back from suspension) and apparently doesn’t care that his new teammate sent one of the rookies he raised to the hospital on a predatory hit lol)

#head injury tw #injury tw #cas answers #marc savard

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boardbysara · 3 years

Text

If this is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

I was doing so good, but today was one of those days where I randomly got sad about the handyman and shed a few tears.

This whole time since we stopped seeing each other, I've been hastily trying to shorten and eliminate the time that I've spent sad about him, because we women get kudo points for not "wasting" any time being sad over a man. Screw him, right? He wasn't worth it anyway. Or so they say.

There is a pervasive cultural movement happening that says you should not want love.

It's all about self-love. You should not need another person in order to be fulfilled.

There's an author on Instagram with 1.1M followers who is publishing an entire book on how you should not be seeking to make your "home" with anyone else but instead inside yourself. That trying to find or make your "home" in someone else is what leads to pain.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, love will always cause you pain. But I do not care how much self-love you have, you will never find any way around that.

If you do, you are not actually loving at all.

And remaining unto yourself such that you never venture bravely into love is death for the soul. COVID-19 has taught us that.

That aforementioned author's forthcoming book is about how to build your home within yourself.

I have built a home within myself. It's where I derive personal fulfillment and contentment, and it's filled with art. It's my visual art, it's my writing, it's my singing, it's my cute outfits, it's my cooking, it's my interior decorating, it's my appreciation for wildlife and nature, it's the way I smile when I go outside to feel the fresh air on my skin. There's so much inside my personal internal home - which is really just my heart.

And I understand this concept of "building your home within yourself' from that point of view - of cultivating fulfillment and contentment on a personal level that doesn't require anyone else, so that when other people let you down, you still have something solid to rely on and turn to. You're not losing yourself.

I get it.

But there is such a danger in this self-love rhetoric that this author and others touting the self-love message don't recognize they are sending which is the message "Don't need anyone. Needing people is bad. Needing people will hurt you. Do not give your heart to others. Protect yourself at all costs."

This underlying message is so incredibly damaging.

This message keeps relationships of any kind at an arm's length and we need intimacy to survive.

You can cultivate personal fulfillment and contentment all you want. You can genuinely appreciate and love yourself and all of your amazing qualities until the cows come home.

But we need people, and we need them close.

PSA: You can have close intimate relationships without massive amounts of pain or co-dependence or losing yourself and your "home" - by using and maintaining BOUNDARIES, people! Boundaries! The concept has been around for decades and yet some people have never heard of them, with MOST people never learning how to use them (sadly.) And that's probably why these incredibly hurtful messages exist.

Because these people who didn't have boundaries got hurt. They retreated, they felt better, and now they are preaching that retreating is the best.

Retreating after emerging from situations in which you got really hurt because you didn't have boundaries will help you feel better. It will help you heal. It can help you cultivate fulfillment within yourself, and it can help you discover the magic of boundaries.

But if you never venture back out into the world of close and intimate relationships you will NEVER heal completely and be 100%.

Want to know why?

Because relationships are how our value is reflected back to us.

We can estimate our own value in our heads and our hearts through cultivating self-fulfillment and contentment all we want, but it will never be enough on it's own because humans inherently need two things to survive and feel true joy:

We need to share all of that love, value, and worth that we've cultivated and appreciated inside of ourselves, and

We need to have our the value that we've personally estimated reflected back to us by other people. Because if it's not, then deep down it always only feels like just a guess. An estimate. An approximation. And you're never really sure.

It's the way you feel when someone greets you with a really big smile and enthusiastic hello - you immediately feel like you hold value.

HUMANS NEED THAT, and COVID has proven it.

Because we've all been going out of our minds with this never-before-experienced deprivation of it.

And P.S., mental health and suicide rates have skyrocketed as a result ESPECIALLY in places where talking about how you're struggling is frowned upon (Japan) - where's it's frowned upon to admit that you need people.

Just like the "self-love" preachers frown upon it.

I have built a beautiful "home" of fulfillment and contentment and self-love and appreciation within myself. But I live alone and now work from home and I realized today (before finding the IG profile of little miss "build your house inside yourself") that even though I have done much better in terms of sustained mental health and functioning than many other people in my situation, I really haven't been feeling like myself - and the reason I don't feel like myself is because I haven't had as much social interaction and therefore have not had the usual intake of my worth being reflected back to myself.

Interacting with people makes me feel better about myself. It boosts my confidence.

(And remember ladies, men love confidence!)

So I've decided two things:

I'm going to wait to date again until my life has returned a little bit more "back to normal" - or, i.e., until I've had time to start living in my new normal - meaning, I've resume in-person interactions (some scheduled to start soon, and others not scheduled to start until June.) I need time to regain that confidence boost and to feel normal again. And this has nothing to do with not loving myself enough!!!

Wanting love and being in intimate relationships in which we give of ourselves is NOT WRONG, IT IS ESSENTIAL!!!!!!!!! I officially rebuke the underlying messages of self-love that tell us that we are wrong for wanting someone else to love us! It does NOT mean that you don't love yourself (as I am 100% certain that I do and 100% capable of being fulfilled by myself and my own magic) and you should too! Just do it with healthy boundaries! And mine have gotten a lot stronger since the handyman, mind you. If nothing else, he was a really strong lesson in healthy boundaries.

Stop feeling bad for wanting love. Stop hiding from people. Stop being a recluse. Stop retreating. Heal, build your personal fulfillment, build your boundaries, and then go back out into the world because you won't survive and TRULY heal until you do.

I've checked all the "self-love" boxes, and I still want love from another human in a romantic context.

Stop believing that it's wrong to need affirmation of your value from other human beings. WE ALL DO. And the only people writing all of that self-love crap pretending that they DON'T are people who are not realizing that the only reason they think they don't is because they are already getting it.

You cannot live without people. You cannot live without love. You cannot live without other people telling you they love you.

None of this is wrong - it is absolutely normal.

Please stop believing that you're doing something wrong by being normal.

You do you. Not what misguided IG preachers tell you to.

(P.S. The best way to do you is to spend quiet time meditating and reflecting on what YOU like/want/need/etc. - which requires turning off all the noise including IG.)

#love

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semi-sketchy · 6 years

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Sassy I'm a bit curious but feel free not to answer this question if you don't want too. Why do you think the webkinz fandom is so bad lately. I've probably had my head in the ground the whole time because I haven't seen anything that bad recently. I have seen bad things before on kinztube and kinztagram but what part of it recently is so bad. I'm only asking this to get a new perspective not to tell you you're wrong. you've known this community longer than I have.

Don’t worry, I understand what you’re saying. Curiosity and wanting to learn is a great thing and I’m always happy to help, so hopefully I can explain this well.

The Webkinz fandom isn’t just bad lately; it’s been for awhile. I touched on it slightly here, but I’ll go more in depth below.

I guess the simple TL;DR is that I have never seen a community more willing to put someone under the chopping block to “spread awareness” or simply to engage in callout culture. (I’ve reblogged a few things on callout culture if you wanna read them.) Now for the actual part that’s long.

WAIT. I said I understood and I didn’t. I thought you were asking just what’s wrong with the community and not just recent drama. I’ve already spent over an hour typing all this and only caught that proofreading it. It still stands for today, but recently, since I’ve basically said “bye not dealing with you” to everyone, I haven’t really seen any drama. I don’t watch KinzTube anymore, I don’t follow members of the community, so I’m not really the best one for this. It’s really past experiences that set my opinions, although from what I’ve heard, it hasn’t gotten better. Alright, back to the post, carry on.

Being on KinzTube 8 years, I’ve seen a lot of things. Trends, secrets, scandals, but I took it as normal. I figured “every fandom is this bad. This is normal” until I saw it wasn’t.

I’ve seen people go on about Starrystar33 saying how she was a mean person and no one should have looked up to her, their main point being that she said “please don’t use my name” even though that’s just the thing nearly everyone said back in 2010. People used to get very defensive and angry back in 2007 and 2008 when someone wanted to be queen or king of a Webkinz (for real though, people stopped caring in ‘09 and this isn’t a thing anymore. Everyone making rants like it’s still a thing…no. No one has cared about it in a decade.) I used to see videos saying “block this person!!” although now it’s gotten a lot dirtier.

See, the Webkinz community has stepped aside from yelling “Billy hurt me!!” and has turned instead to “I wish I could give you my pain just for one moment. Not to hurt you, but to make you understand how much you hurt me~ ♥” And people praise them. Praise them for posting an “inspirational quote” and “keeping drama out of this” when really, the person is going to read it. Their friends will show them. It will hurt like the dickens. And because the original poster is so highly praised, they’ll keep doing it. The fallout is public and everyone knows who the post is about, but because there’s no names mentioned, it’s taken as acceptable and keeping things “drama free” when really it’s just a dirty trick to hurt people. It gets even worse when someone asks “what’s this about?” and they answer “I’ll message you” and the talking behind others backs happen. It spreads from person to person in private as it travels through friend groups. Everyone slowly gets turned against the other party because it’s a lot easier to trust gossip from a friend and have it taint your views.

To someone on the outside that’s not tuned in, it looks harmless, but pay attention to the subtle details and you’ll begin to notice a pattern. To eat my own words a bit here, there was a video made about me awhile ago. I think it’s been taken down, but the user and I had a spat. My friend sent me the video saying “look what they did.” It was a video where a Webkinz that represented them pushed through the crowds, above all the haters, but took special time aside to push down and diminish a Signature Siamese Cat; a Webkinz I use to represent me. To others, it was about standing tall, to my friends and me, it was about them going out of their way to say “fuck you.”

Through the addiction to gossip, hatred is born. Unbeknownst to a user, an entire community can be turned against them. The amount of back-handed exchanges and how people thrive off of it is sickening. And it’s happened to me.

This isn’t even the end of it. One of the reasons I had to disable comments on my channel was because of Webkinz users overall being salty. When I got my third Signature Siberian Husky, Karma, the comment section was a bloodbath. About 4 people sounded genuine saying she was cute, the rest were passive aggressive “I want one” and “oh yay good for you I don’t have one” along with flat out “you’re so spoiled lord you already have two huskies and you had to buy a third and keep someone else from buying it!” I kind of wonder if that video is what sparked the KinzTube trend of making rants on getting doubles.

I was prepared for the messages and when I got Timber, my second Signature Timber Wolf, so I went on the offense. Flat out spewing what I had learned and seen. I made a full on rant that I still stand by. Webkinz fans are salty. If they didn’t have something and they deemed someone had something they wanted, that person was a devil and needed to be put in their place. If they disagree to give/sell it to you, they’re even worse. I was surprised when rather than getting hate messages, I actually got a few people praising me for speaking up. I’m far from the only one affected by this issue.

As I said in the video, I believe this is due to the general age range for Webkinz fans being 11 - 16, a tough time in life where they’re learning social skills. Hormones are raging and I believe this is the time when people are most self-conscious. Low self esteem paired with a community that has hate and gossip knocking on every door leads to a pack mentality, or how I see it, a mob mentality. A confusing and hard time when you’re so angry, anything can set you off. That rage is often directed at whoever is the most recent target, whoever your friends have told you about, who hurt someone you follow.

Not everyone will be like this, I’m speaking mainly from my own experience and what I’ve seen, not any studies or anything. I don’t fully blame them, I was in that exact spot a few years back, but it’s toxic and shouldn’t be normalized.

The worst part of this being normalized and just “something everyone does” is that some don’t grow out of it. I hate to be this way, but you need the punch in the face to realize and learn. No one can tell you social skills and you acquire them like moves in a video game; you have to learn through life the hard way.

I understand I’m highly biased here, but this has been my experience.Has there been good in the community? Of course. There’s also the “village idiot has the loudest voice” thing, so the bad are always more vocal than the good. You just gotta pick your battles and push through, that’s the only way you’ll make it in this community.

-Sassy

#ask #sassy answers #webkinz #kinztube

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endlesslychanging101 · 5 years

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Rachel,

Reading your book has helped me so much, I guess not in a "helped me want to keep living way", but in a "helped me not feel so fucked up way". I thought my "thoughts" were all my own, but reading your book(Get me out of here) has shown me otherwise. Living with BPD, that kind of messes with you. It honestly helped in some areas, and at the same time makes me feel like I am only my disorder. Like my disorder is the reason I think half of the things I think. So am I really real? Who am I? For the longest time, months even I wouldn’t read the ending. I don’t think a happy ending is something I will achieve. I don’t think those exist for people like us. So I wouldn’t read the ending because I was scared that you would get a happy ending and I wouldn’t and it would put a false sense of trust in my head something I already lack so much of. Instead as always you delivered the raw truth of things. You never got your happy ending but things got easier and you found ways to cope and do something as simple as just be with yourself. Something I’m scared I can never do. I wanted so desperately to read the part where you tell me everything will be okay and you lived out a happy life regardless of this bullshit. But things I felt most weren’t in the end But when I'm sitting there with you in that therapy room. So many things you've done, I’ve done as well. I've learned things, painful truths that were hard to read through. I wish people could grasp them as we do. I wish people could feel what we feel, or be as patient as your therapist is with you.

In a way I guess I dont blame them, who could possibly just want me. Who could possibly look at me, and want to spend the rest of a lifetime with me. No one. I disgust myself, but they disgust me when they lie. How could I not get angry? How could I not, not trust people, when all they do is seek to destroy me? I have no one. I have lost absolutely everyone. I have no family members, except my father. But even he most of the time could live happier without the burden of his only child. He used to mock, and belittle me growing up for all my intense mood swings, and behaviors. He still can not comprehend any of it, as the years went on he just became more depressed secretly wishing he never made the choice to have a child. Im sure he wants to leave this world as much as I do. My mother left us a couple years ago, that was the hardest I don’t talk about it much. She still comes to visit acts like everything’s fine like we’re still a family and for a moment it’s like she never left. One time I came out to see them sitting on the couch watching a football game the windows were open the sun was shinning in they were laughing cheering there was a homemade lasagna cooking in the oven everything was perfect, so much so that I ran to the bathroom and threw up. The way they can act like everything was ok. No everything was not ok, my dadis heartbroken I had watched him cry himself to sleep for months and now he’s sitting there while she gives him false hope. Don’t get me wrong I don’t like my dad, but I felt for him and I stood for him. Because I know that pain all to well. When my mom told me she was leaving I was still in a group home. She told me she was going to go live with an old college friend that her and my dads relationship wasn’t working out and she needed time. I respected that, I respected my mom for wanting to take care of herself. I needed my mom I was scared and Alone and I was in this place with these girls and I just wanted my mom. I just wanted to know that she was there for me. And she asked me time after time do u need me say u need me and I won’t go. But I knew living with my dad was hard and the last thing I wanted to be was a bigger burden so I pushed her away so she wouldn’t feel guilty for leaving me when I needed her. She would leave and be gone for months after that about a year later I found out the nasty family secret from my aunt (my moms sister) they had gotten in a huge fight and Kathy wanted to hurt my mom so she wanted to ruin me and my moms relationship. It worked. My aunt had told me about my moms affair that she had been having since I was 9. And that she was there right now with another man and not with her college friend. I lost my mind all trust, all love, all hope, everything I had felt for her before had disintegrated into thin air, and was replaced with an immense anger that burned through my entire core. There I was being nice thinking of her when she was lying through her fucking teeth. I hated my mother, I still do sometimes. I have no one but me, and at times that is the worst possible thing for me. I have become completely enveloped in despair and disease. I truly believe I am losing it. I only have moments of regularity before I am going off the deep end again. I've been in therapy for over half my life now, and been through numerous medications. When does life become clear? When does the want to live come? When do I stop disappointing and frightening people? I love everyone so much that it tears me apart, but they dont even see that. They focus on the angry boughts, and self destructive mannerisms, they choose to only see the bad in me. That shit hurts.

I'm at constant war with myself, telling myself to give up and telling myself to keep going, telling myself to lose everyone around me, and to message them back. I'm in constant pain, I walk around with a weight in my chest, but at the same time feel so god damn empty. How is that possible? I'm fucking exhausted, Rachel. I dont want to fucking be here anymore. I cant imagine how you made it to thirty, considering I cant even think about making it to the end of this month. Everything just hurts, and all i can do is fucking feel it.

I have so much trauma in my life, I can't imagine how long my therapy journey will take before I get to say my "goodbye" to my therapist. What therapist I’ve been through handfuls and they all give up on me the one therapist who could help me I got fired, due to an infatuation with another staff member I had she tried to get me out of it and ended up getting fired . How dysfunctional can I get? I used to be able to block all of this out, you know? I used to be different. Even a year ago, I was so different then who I am now. How does that happen? How does all the trauma break out of you like this? How fucking sickening. When I sit and think about it, I honestly start to suffocate. Are we actually the biggest liars in our life? How we spent our whole lives hiding everything that hurt, masking it all with fake smiles and laughs. We shoved it all away, if not for us then everyone around us. Yet were the monsters now? How could we not be? Were fucking filled to the brim with decades of ache because we put our own pain last to everyone, because all we wanted was for them to be okay, and now look, were alone, and they aren’t, and we’re hurting and they’re not.

It’s evil, sick, and revolting. I was born to be a doormat, staircase, a filler, a helping hand for everyone else. Now I look in the mirror and im nothing but bruises and scars. How could I not self-destruct? It's all I've known, ripped and tore myself for everyone, even me. God I'm so mad at everything, I cant breathe. If someone doesnt make my coffee right, it's like they're out to personally spite me. I think on all my friendships, old and new, and regret all of them. I dont trust anyone, literally. I do t even find pleasure in things I used to love, what's happening to me?

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