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#idk whether or not to tag this as a vent post

fleabuki · 8 months

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okay but why am i literally him

we're both unemployed, anxious 24/7, twitchy, and have trauma and parental issues 👍

#ts2 #nervous subject #idk whether to tag this as a vent post or not tbh #i'll tag it just it case #vent post #depending on how you look at it #strangetown

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katya-goncharov · 2 years

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hmmm, i'm thinking maybe i should start a tag for whenever i, like, make personal or mental health posts, for filtering purposes... just because i feel like i do tend to overshare a bit sometimes, and it does help me a lot having this as an outlet but probably not all my followers want to or should have to see that!

#i'll update rb this when i've thought of a good tag #i was thinking ''vent post'' but i wouldn't really want my personal posts ending up on such a public tag so idk...#but SOME kind of tag seems like a good solution #so i can have that outlet here but also like. not force all my problems onto followers whether they want to see them or not!

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arthur-r · 1 month

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also had the worst jumpscare yesterday at the dining hall i watched my ex walk out of the convenience store and then immediately aspired to just not notice him and let him take the lead on whether or not we are people who talk to each other, but looking back on it he almost 100% saw me see him and now assumes that i have personally decided to be people who don’t interact. which is FINE because he’s the fucking worst and i hate him. but GOD i just want him to come over and talk to me so i can even make a case for myself. like i’m still just looking for the opportunity to say “hey i was so on board to be friends but i don’t feel like you’ve treated me with respect or regard for my existence as a human being” but instead he just sees me duck behind walls and thinks “man what a weirdo who just randomly decided to hate me for the sole reason that i wasn’t romantically interested anymore. wow that’s so shallow and rude of him”

#and he PROBABLY doesn’t direct that amount of regard to me now either. he probably thinks fucking nothing of it #but like. i do not want to be the reason this relationship failed!!!! and i mean. i fucking wasn’t cause he’s an asshole #and i mean he didn’t CLAIM for me to be the reason it failed either. he really did the whole breakup pragmatism objectively well #but like. idk. he broke up with me because he didn’t like me anymore. but i should have broken up with him for treating me terribly #way before he even had any inkling of breaking up with me. back when that idea was just a sparkle in his eye… i should have dumped him shdh #so i’m just always going to be missing closure because i deserved to stand up for myself and i never did #anyway next time i see him i’m going to meet his gaze. we’ll see how that goes #ACTUALLY. we have the same fucking glasses prescription. if i can’t see him he can’t see me #i mean. he can see me. but he has the same uncertainty as to whether i looked at him or ignored him as i do the other way around #that’s actually really reassuring. all these moments where i haven’t been sure what interaction we had. he’s in the same position #ANYWAY i hope everyone is well. sorry for being all hung up on my ex i’ll make a block tag actually #ex talk #<- will use this whenever i vent or complain about him from now on #vent cw #me. my post. mine.#delete later

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beelzzzebub · 9 months

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Sometimes I get into this mood where everything I interact with I just love and adore so much it's overwhelming, like? ? it's a physical feeling like my heart skipping or getting crushed inside of my chest

And it is so so overwhelming and lovely and awful and unadulterated, like it's a sensation that just randomly occurs and then disappears without provocation and I genuinely do not understand it

Sometimes my obsessions hurt or fade or give me the same claustrophobic sickness of being stuck out shopping at the mall for too long, but sometimes they feel like...this....and it sometimes even temporarily takes over things I'm generally normal about too

And I'm left with this excess of just everything that's so much that I don't even know what I want or need, like in moments when I'm so emotionally overwhelmed or exhausted or overstimulated that the only thing I can fathom is warm and dark dreamless sleep

I don't know what to make of it

But also now I'm kind of coming off of it, and it's replaced by this looming guilt and dread and semi self loathing, like I kind of want to delete this before I even post it, it's already giving me major anxiety and guilt and all that shit I just said

So like what

Once again my only response is....sleep I guess?

#how do i even tag this #lmao #obsessing #fandom #wtf is even happening #im not sure whether or not my experiences are real all the time #im really hoping this post somehow makes it off my page to places #bc like idk #venting #vent post #vent #mental health #anxiety #overwhelmed #mentally exhausted #so overstimulated #bippity boppity boo

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moththegremlinchild · 1 year

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tw s/h under the cut

yeah no fuck this relapsing after 5 months, I don't get paid to deal with whatever my brain has going on, I don't even take this seriously anymore, live laugh love whatever funky lines on my thighs soon and a psychiatrist appointment on 17th April

#vent/rant #tw s/h #no thoughts head empty just chillin in the bathroom with a razor and bandaids considering whether i want to fuck up or not #so far i am very much considering #idk have fun with me making very concerning posts for the next few days?????#at this point just block the vent tag lmao

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rainbowgothdisaster · 1 year

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so we each got $100 for chrimmus (kind of. she hasnt given us anything bcuz of her episode). i spent over $80 ahead of time on a hoodie, and over spent with my new switch joycons for $78.

im tired of being spoiled and then listening to my family get mad at me bcuz im the second favourite grandchild and nana hasnt given conner a gift in over 5 years and wont pay anyone else when they do work, so when my nana tried to give me $100 for chrimmus, i corrected her saying i spent it all.

however, theres disagreement to whether i actually spent it all. bcuz i bought those joycons so all of us could play switch together when my cousin was visiting. so some of my family says, since i bought it for the family, i still have ~$10 left. me and my mum disagree with this sentiment, bcuz its for my switch. not a family switch, mine.

theyre like 'but its so you could play w ur cousins and brother' but i needed to replace my joycons anyway bcuz my left one was literally unusable. playing w them just meant i needed to replace them right then, bcuz u cant play mario party with a pro controller.

#if im being honest?#i wish i could go back to not having morals and freely scamming and stealing from family members #idk. im happy to be a better person but im still getting the same shit.#like the fact i CAN get as much as i want is what irritates them. not whether i take advantage of it.#i want to start scamming /for/ my family who gets screwed #but like.#they wont let me.#im trying to pull my weight as second fav but they wont tell me things?#like my cousin needs a new phone. i ask what kind of phone. he wont tell me.#i decide 'well just get one like mine' and shes like 'what if he doesnt like it'#rinse and repeat #vent #tw vent #i guess??#more in the tags than the post i think #im going to make it up to them.#i have to get as much money as possible to take care of them and make everything up to them.#they dont get disability they cant work they dont have money. i have to have enough money to help them.

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wyrdle · 1 year

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[Repost] Some Sada/Turo/Clavell ex-polycule doodles + thoughts because I enjoy the angst:

So my headcanon is that these three first met together as researchers in Area Zero for tera crystal research. Clavell is the oldest, but I don't think there's too huge an age gap between him and the profs. xD Turo comes second, Sada youngest. Present day Sada and Turo having grey hairs and wrinkles is a dear thought to me.

Anyway, between the three, I like the thought of Clavell being the sort of Mom friend of the group, and very much the heart of the trio. He watches out for their health often, especially when they're working themselves to the bone. They reach great heights together, discovering the tera orb eventually. Idk if they ever enter a relationship here, but I like to think there are Feelings (TM). Even if not, Clavell cares about the profs, and likewise.

After the discovery of the Tera Orb and wrapping up of Academy involvement however, things start changing. Clavells disagreement + refusal to join the violet+scarlet book research project results in their parting of ways + an irreparable rift in their relationship.. Merging the two profs stories together, they get together and have Arven eventually.

Instead of one prof leaving the other however, both professors fall/perish to their own ambitions. One of them dies to a mishap to the time machine. The other continues their obsession, almost a post-humous "I'll do it for you" drive, ending up dead by either Miraidon or Koraidon.

Present day Clavell is horrified that his once partners are dead. I like the additional layer of grief for Clavell, that he cared and was much closer to the profs beyond being peers. Pretty warm to the thought of Tyme being a more balanced+ reciprocal partner of present day, so he vents to her his grief, regret and anger.

"I loved them, once." Clavell weeps to her, amidst the swirl of emotions.

Hfhdsj. This angst works whether they're romantic or platonic, but jfdhsj. Broken polycule is such delicious angst for Clavell, and I like to think he's better off now.

Anyway, I'll finish off this doodle eventually!!! I'll be tagging these as Zerotrioshipping :P

#director clavell #clavell #professor turo #professor sada #clavell/sada/turo #clavell x sada x turo #zerotrioshipping #lol i think i'm the only one shipping them #it really is just for the breakup angst haha #pokemon scarlet violet #pokemon scarlet violet spoilers #cw choking #cw injury

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mariatesstruther · 8 months

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I honestly don't get why Maria was so anti-Joel oh he's a horrible person he's done horrible things he can't be around us, but accepted Tommy fully to the point he's the father of her child when both did the same things, ran with the same people and all of that.

I mean I love the character, but that confuses the hell out of me. Why's Tommy accepted but Joel damned?

okay, so… this response took me like half hour to write. my wrists hurt, my jaw is clenched, my brain is hot. i love u anon thank u very much for this chance to vent about just why my girl maria has been so misunderstood. let’s go

i personally think this is where many people fundamentally misunderstand maria’s perception of joel. she’s not cautious of him primarily because of tommy or anything tommy has said, in my personal opinion—she’s cautious of him for and because of ellie

ive said this on my blog a few times and i think so have @steeb-stn and @clickergossip (and maybe @liveandletcry23 and @bumblepony i have a shit memory so tagging just in case) so im gonna tag them to credit their words and ideas about maria as well, but the FIRST time maria sees joel, he’s with this rando twelve year old girl who he is seemingly so protective over that she cant even be sniffed by dogs who are just trying to detect infection, which would be good for ANYBODY. that’s his first strike for untrustworthyness, because why the fuck wouldn’t he let this girl be tested???—we know why, of course, but maria doesnt. shes working on the very limited info about joel/ellie’s relationship that she has from just her own observations, and i think we need to remember that as we go through analyzing why she moves how she moves

shes knows from tommy at this point is that joel had a daughter, but it is definitely not this little girl. so why the fuck are they so close. what have they gone through. are they okay. is ellie okay. is their relationship safe for her??? THAT’s what she’s thinking about, in my opinion, while shes staring joel down at that dinner table. she’s reasonbly suspicious, and i can’t blame her for it.

i had to cut this it’s literally maybe my longest post ever so. heres the cut

ALSO, it’s not like she’s a straight up bitch to joel like some of y’all seem to make it out to be??? she never says or implies that “they can’t be around” or anything like that. she offers them clothes and food and supplies. she sets them up in a house. before dinner, she gives them a personal tour (which, to be fair, she did because she was probably trying to keep an eye on them and figure out more about whether or not ellie is safe, but who wouldnt???? i know tess would! and yall would love her for it!). tommy literally says to joel before they leave that there will always be a place for him and ellie in jackson—you cannot tell me you believe he said so without already have maria’s green light for joel and ellie to stay

ALSO, i wanna consider some other things that i haven’t seen many ppl talk about. on that walk she takes with tommy and joel and ellie, she makes it sound like tommy has been with them for at least years AND she maintains the confidence to say that residents in jackson stay off the radio—i could totally be wrong, but it seems to me from the look tommy and joel share right after that it’s obvious tommy has been talking to joel BEHIND MARIA’S BACK???? did no one else catch that??? am i misinterpreting big time??? id assume because theyre married and from the way tommy talks about jackson that he’s been in jackson for at least 3 years maybe, and we know that he only stopped radioing joel a couple months before the show’s main plotline starts, so timeline wise there had to be some overlap of tommy still radioing joel from/around jackson. idk if anyone of my mutuals has thoughts on this but i personally think it’s important to point out, because it establishes that maria likely doesn’t know or think tommy and joel kept in contact, at least not as recently as up to some months ago. she knows that tommy and joel are close, but at the same time, she doesn’t think tommy really knows or talks to joel anymore, either. so how is she supposed to extend him any trust as tommy’s brother????? how and why would she give this man any benefit of the doubt???? it wouldn’t make any sense. she’s more practical and discerning than she is naive and kind, and y’all can think what y’al want about that but i love her for it. it’s very necessary for a woman like her to be the way she is

okay, so back to your question. back to why joel is “damned” and tommy is “accepted.” let’s talk about joel for a sec

y’all like to babygirl and idolize the absolute fuck out of this man

we know that not only was he a smuggler, but he killed and tricked and took advantage of people, shamelessly and brutally. we know that tommy did so too. maria knows that tommy has done the same things. maria also knows that tommy left that life because he couldnt do it anymore, and joel continued because he could

point blank period!!!!! yall can argue with me all u want but tommy left that murder life and joel did not. im not saying this makes either brother good or bad or better than the other, i love joel sm and i think both of them have an undisputed capability to do unspeakable things in order to survive. but tommy got to a point where he hit a limit, whereas joel doesn’t seem to have one. this is at least my personal interpretation of their conversations in the game and the show

tommy DID join the fireflies, which we all know now is not any fucking better than whatever the fuck joel was doing—the difference is the reasoning, though, and considering tlou is all about reasoning and the why, we need to consider the reasoning behind tommy’s decision: he wanted to do something better, something good, something he thought had a purpose. we all know now that the fireflies are bullshit, their purpose is bullshit, and they’re willingness to kill a child for the sake of the “cure” is it’s own entire paradox of bullshit. but they were a rebel organization fighting fedra, who fucking suck, and probably had somewhat of a better reputation back when tommy was interested in joining—or maybe they didn’t, to be fair, i don’t know! the point is, tommy went to them seeking some sort of better purpose, some type of redeption; in joel’s own fucking words, “tommy’s what we used to call a joiner. had dreams of becoming a hero... wants to save the world.”

tommy is idealistic. he’s romantic. he’s optimistic, almost to the point of being fucking naive. thats why he enlisted in the army, thats why he enlisted in the fireflies—he wanted to feel good about himself and the world he was living in. he needed it to have some light at the end of the tunnel for all the bullshit to make sense. and yeah, he was wrong both times in joining up. we know that, joel knew that while it was happening, and tommy knows that in retrospect, too. i think jackson is the first place he really found true, real purpose—not the kind that is propagandized to you and goes up in smoke, but the kind that is well and truly earned. that’s why he is so loyal to jackson and to maria—they finally gave him was he desperately spent his life searching for

and im just saying, from maria’s perspective, she’s someone who lives for purpose. she lives for jackson and for it’s people and for it’s future, and she has to maintain some sense of idealism in the face of all that fucking ugliness to be able to mentally live im and run a place like jackson, to believe that it’ll work. i think that idealism she has, she sees reflected in tommy’s desperation to be a better person who’s fighting for a better life. she sees that need for redemption and goodness in him, that need for things to be fucking worth it, and hears she hears it in his story. she gets to relate to him with this in a way she doesnt GET TO RELATE with joel YET (we STILL HAVE TIME PEOPLE. WE HOLDIN OUT STRONG FOR THE JOEL AND MARIA BEST FRIEND AGENDA)

but to continue, THEN maria spends YEARS with tommy, getting to know him, getting to know his guilt. just like tess with joel, she’s sees the worst and the best of him and gets to fall in love with all of it. so of course there’s gonna be a bit of a bias and a blindspot, towards him—just like any of are other characters have weak spots for the people THEY fucking love

so that’s i guess why i think tommy is “accepted” by her, i guess, and there’s honestly way more them and their romance that i could make a whole separate post about but i’ll leave it there for now. back to joel and why he’s “damned,” which i don’t think he is

again, from what maria knows, he made an active CHOICE to stay in the lifestyle of smuggling and murdering and QZ bullshit, even after tommy chose to leave—and idk what y’all imagine joel and tess to be doing in those many years on their own, but it’s not fuckin picking flowers, for me. they’re dangerous, dangerous people—more dangerous that fedra, and more dangerous than the fireflies, if we’re being fucking real about it. and we LOVE tess and joel for this, or at least i do

but jackson is not a place where people get by with smuggling or backstreet deals or threats. it’s not supposed to be that place. we all LOVE jackson in fics and hcs and aus because it’s literally a place where joel and ellie finally get to breathe and not worry about their safety/survival first. and you know who keeps jackson that way????? MARIA. AND HE BEING FUCKING PICKING ABOUT WHO JACKSON LETS THE FUCK INSIDE

so yall just expect her to by YIPPY SKIPPY when joel, THE JOEL THE SUPER SMUGGLER MURDER COWBOY, strolls into town????? WITHOUT TESS, WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE MORE PERSONABLE AND REASONABLE ONE???? what????? she’d be crazy not to at least try to be a little intimidating, to make it clear to joel that he will not get away with any of that qz bullshit here. she’d be naive not to, and maria is anything but naive

and i know most people don’t like her for that “a bad reputation doesn’t mean you’re bad” “not always, at least” line, but i actually think it really fits so well in establishing that she’s not afraid of joel, not afraid of challenging him or making him own up to things he’s done. it’s just so so cool to me, i just can’t hate her for that????? she’s establishing with him that she knows what tommy knows about his time in the QZ, and she’s letting him know if that joel shows up here in jackson, there will be fucking problems for him. which i think is a completely fair warning????

so let’s continue. let’s talk about The Scene, the one with her and ellie, the one with the “tommy was following joel” line. ONE thing i’d like to point out about this scene—MARIA IS THE ONE TO TELL ELLIE ABOUT SARAH, NOT JOEL. AND THAT IS A BIG BIG BIG REASON FOR WHY SHE WARNS ELLIE NOT TO TRUST JOEL COMPLETELY

we know what joel and ellie have gone through, at this point, but maria has barely any idea. she sees that ellie has this fierce protectiveness and lots of secrets when it comes to her and joel, which like—can we all be fucking objective here for a second. this can SO easily and SO reasonably be interpreted as something sketchy going on between joel and ellie that maria should be concerned about.

(slight tw about older men-younger woman relationships bc im gonna be personal for a sec, its quick) we don’t know maria’s past or what she has seen or been through, but personally as someone who has been in a situation where an older man has taken advantage of my naivety in the past, i am now extremely hyper vigilant when it comes to young girls around older men in my personal life today. ellie and joel’s situation and how it looks would raise MJAOR red flags for me personally, if i was in maria’s position. that’s just a personal perspective have that really affects the way i view this scene (end tw)

and so maria finds out that joel has kept the fact that HE HAD A WHOLE ASS DAUGHTER from ellie?????? WOULD THAT NOT BE SUS AT ALL TO YALL???? i mean we know why joel doesn’t tell ellie, as gameplayers and watchers of the show, but again. maria is operating on the info she has right in front of her, which is that joel has been omitting maybe the biggest fact of his life from this young girl who is willing to defend and trust him with her entire life, even after she finds out she’s being lied to. this is alarming

so at this point, she’s questioning joel’s intentions with ellie, and in my opinion, it’s not at all unreasonable for her to do so. she then continues to press, because the red flags are flying and she wants ellie to be crystal clear on the kind of man she’s traveling with (“there are CLEARLY things you don’t know about joel” — “so then you understand my concerns”)

AND THEN ELLIE. BLESSED SMART AMAZING ELLIE COMES IN WITH THE DEFENSE—“and tommy did it too, are you worried about him?”—which like, i love this line. i love this moment. i think because i go so hard for maria a lot of y’all think i’m blind to when ellie is making points, but i 100% cheered her on when i first watched this scene, like i’m sure y’all did—because it’s true! it’s fair! if maria is going to judge joel for those things, she needs to extend the same judgement to tommy

the thing is, it’s still fucking true that, as i said earlier, tommy left that life. both the smuggling, and the fireflies—he chose to stop, while joel didn’t—he was smuggling literally up until the day him and tess found ellie, so. there’s that. she continues to judge joel and not tommy because she knows for sure that tommy has changed. she doesn’t know joel enough yet to see that he has changed, too

so then, the dreaded line: “tommy was following joel.” let’s talk about it.

i don’t love this line either, tbh! i think it’s a weak defense on maria’s part, and a weak line on the tlou hbo writers part—probably my least favorite line of maria’s overall. but i do get why she says it, and i kind of think i get the purpose??? i think????

it reminds me a lot of joel’s line, earlier, about tommy being a “joiner,” and i think it’s funny that, as opposite as joel and maria like to think they both are to each other, the way they describe tommy is pretty much the same. tommy is a “joiner” to joel and a “follower” to maria, and in all respects they both love and hate him for it. idk where i’m going with that exactly, just something interesting to think about in terms of the joel and maria best friend agenda

but i also think this line get’s taken out of context a lot, because the full line is “tommy was following joel, the way you are now.” maria says this line to lead into her main point, the really fucking important line in this scene: “be careful who you put your faith in. the only ones who can betray us, are the one’s we trust.”

WHICH IS TRUE. IT IS THE POINT. AND WHEN JOEL LIES TO ELLIE, HIDES SOMETHING FROM HER YET AGAIN at the end of the season/game, IT BECOMES A THEMATIC CLIMAX POINT THAT CONNECTS BOTH OF THE GAMES

maria is not saying this to “damn” joel—and i personally don’t think she is “damning” joel in the way you imply here, as there’s definitely potential for them to develop a relationship in s2 once she has more information about the truth of how he thinks of ellie. i think she’s warning ellie not to trust joel, because she doesn’t trust joel, at the end of the fucking day—and that’s about it. she trusts tommy in a way that she can’t quite trust joel yet, and why would she, at this point? it would make no sense for her to

so y’all can blame her and hate her for her distrust all you guys want (btw not necessarily talking to you, anon, ive just gotten some very nasty asks about maria from others so im talking to them rn!!!!!!!), but i’m sorry—you can’t tell me that it doesn’t at least make sense. she’s MARIA. she’s MADE OF SENSE

#WHEW #DO MY THUMBS HURT #i cant even be bothered to tag this fr #maria miller #asked and answered #joel and maria best friend agenda #tommy miller #joel miller #tess servopoulos

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ariaste · 9 months

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Hello hello! If it’s all right with you, I would like to vent for a moment: Back in the day, I used to be really into BBC Sherlock. I know it was bad, but it was “Be Gay (solve) Crimes” and I couldn’t resit. One of my favorite parts of the fandom was reading fan metas. I enjoyed reading your ridiculously long meta! I am not very clever and I enjoy reading people noticing things that I can’t. It’s fun watching people passionately pick up clues and put them together.

I don’t think I’m the only one getting superwholock flashbacks lately. Sherlock also tried an unreliable narrator in S4 and it was an absolute shit show. People thought thought the finale was fake, it was so bad. TBH, the entire show was a dumpster fire that thought it was more clever than it was. Moffat was a good writer for single episodes for DW, but a garbage show runner. And they called us crazy for picking up what they were putting down.

But Good Omens gives me a spark of hope. It is unashamedly queer, fun, drinks its respecting women juice, and, unlike moffatiss, I think Neil and the crew may actually be clever enough to pull something big off. I adore the Discworld series and Sir Terry, and I have faith Neil will to do right by him.

Good Omens is restoring my faith in nerdy queer fiction and reminding me why I love fandom so much. Please keep up the crackhead theories. I love them 💕

Thank you, that's very kind!

(Ended up writing a very long reply about the response to my essay and also about queerness in media. Idk why i am writing such long posts these days SORRY LOL. Anyway I'm putting it all beneath the cut so I can tag it without clogging people's dash or the tag pages)

It does make me sigh a little when I see people scornfully comparing my long essay to The Johnlock Conspiracy or saying that they're having Sherlock flashbacks, because the both the contexts of the shows and the methodology of the theorizing are VERY different. To my mind, a more direct comparison of methodology would be the Gravity Falls fandom's "Stan Has A Secret Twin" theory. Writers and showrunners DO like being sneaky and clever from time to time, and many of them are much better at it than Moffat is.

But whether or not my theory is right or not is... kind of irrelevant to me? I wasn't out to force anyone to agree with me, AND writing it was a really fun way to spend a weekend, AND I'm proud of the work I did and the story I told, AND it felt good to have a satisfying workout at the Brain Gym. So even if I'm proven utterly and completely wrong, I won't feel like I wasted my time. :)

Good Omens is a great show, and I am SO HAPPY to see it (and other shows!) embracing queerness, sharing the fans' enthusiasm for the story, and honoring and respecting the fans' love rather than punishing them for it. As more and more time goes on, I think we're going to see more and more shows like that, because some of the people who grew up reading tumblr discourse are going to be showrunners themselves one day, and they'll have learned serious lessons about what it feels like when the audience is met with love rather than disgust and disdain. In fact, we're ALREADY seeing more shows like that than we had 10 years ago! There is so much canonical queerness on-screen these days that the me of 10-15 years ago is ASTONISHED and feels wealthy beyond counting. Of course, there is so much further to go, but man... when i was a kid, we had to walk uphill in the snow both ways just to see two dudes making sustained emotional eye contact, and we were grateful for it. (Jokes but also.... kind of real tho)

We've seen the exact same thing happen in scifi/fantasy publishing in the last seven or eight years, too! (Went off on a long tangent about Queerness In Media from an insider perspective, continuing below a cut so I don't clutter everyone's dash)

Even as recently as 2013--ten years ago--you might not have even been able to get your book published if it was openly gay. Hell, you might not have been able to get an agent to represent it, even. It would have been labeled "unmarketable" and passed over; if it DID get published, the queerness would have been camouflaged and downplayed and hidden in the marketing as much as possible--you wouldn't have known by looking at the cover that it was queer, you wouldn't have been able to tell by reading the back cover that it was queer. In literally 2016, seven years ago, a few months before I got my first book deal, I remember having a conversation with a friend and being very very worried that if I wrote books as queer as I wanted them to be, I would be "pigeonholed" as "ONLY writing Gay Books", that I would be passed over for any of the publisher's marketing budget and publicity efforts, that I would be sidelined and ignored... In 2016, I thought I was facing a choice of writing stories with more "mainstream appeal" OR writing the books I wanted to write and potentially undermining the rest of my career.

That didn't happen, thankfully, because in the next couple years there was this incredible explosion of queer scifi/fantasy. You see, ten to fifteen years ago, a truly stunning percentage of my colleagues -- writers, editors, publicists -- were writing and reading fanfic, and they carried their tastes and story-hungers with them as they grew up and got Real Adult Jobs at publishing companies. And suddenly, as if out of nowhere, a lot of us came of age all at once and there was this absolutely enormous wave of queer SFF that in my opinion has brought us into a new golden age of the genre: The Locked Tomb series by Tamsyn Muir, The Chorus of Dragons series by Jenn Lyons, She Who Became the Sun by Shelley Parker Chan, Ancillary Justice by Ann Leckie, The Tensorate series by Neon Yang, Priory of the Orange Tree by Samantha Shannon, Light from Uncommon Stars by Ryka Aoki, The City in the Middle of the Night by Charlie Jane Anders, the Birdverse books by RB Lemberg, The Traitor Baru Cormorant by Seth Dickenson, The Jasmine Throne by Tasha Suri, Reforged by Seth Haddon, The Sorcerer of the Wildeeps by Kai Ashante Wilson, Ocean's Echo by Everina Maxwell, The Fifth Season by NK Jemisin -- and these only the ones I could remember off the top of my head in 30 seconds, and I have a flavor of ADHD that makes my brain go blank when people ask me to think of specific examples of things! It is harder for me to think of a SFF book published in the last 7 years that ISN'T queer.

And then almost exactly a year ago, my book A Taste of Gold and Iron came out with THIS COVER:

Which. Is not so much a step forward in openly queer SFF as it is a fucking gauntlet thrown down in challenge. I cannot impress upon you strongly enough how much I would not have gotten this cover 10 years ago, and that's if the book was even accepted for publication in the first place. This cover SCREAMS gay fantasy romance. There is no attempt to hide it or camouflage it. It is advertising exactly what it is, right up front.

I got the absolute privilege and honor of having this cover--and I do consider it an incredible honor--because of the work that all my colleagues put in with their own work. Each queer book that got published wedged the door a little wider for the next one, and then a little wider still for the next one, until finally someone could get their foot in the door and squeeze across the threshold, which opened it a little wider again. So when I look at this image, I don't just see a beautiful cover that I am delighted to have on my books--I see an entire history of slow, steady progress by so many incredible writers who risked damaging their careers just to drag us to a point where a book as gay as this one could get a cover as gay as that one and STILL get the full and enthusiastic support of both the publisher and the audience. And the most incredible honor and the most humbling privilege out of all of this is the fact that the success of this book meant that the door was wedged open another little bit, that I got to contribute in this small way to the efforts of everyone who came before me, so that ones who come after us will find the door flung wide -- or that there's no door left at all to block the way, because we've collectively torn it down.

So yes, @eyona, I think that having your faith restored little by little is a very good thing, and I am delighted that Good Omens is doing that for all of us. And what's even better is that even if Good Omens doesn't play out exactly how we want it to, that's... kind of okay? Because there is always the next one, and at the very very least, Good Omens is wedging the door open further so that the next one can have an easier time of it. We don't have to walk uphill in the snow both ways just to get a moment of emotionally charged eye contact anymore. We don't have to starve anymore, not like we used to back in the bad old days. And that alone is a wonderful thing. :D

#good omens #a taste of gold and iron #publishing #queer media

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chipped-chimera · 1 month

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Okay gimmie a sec I need to scream about being a Lesbian and my frustrations around it as someone signing on late.

Will I post this? Idk. But I'm about to blow a gasket.

I love being lesbian, okay. It's the first time it felt something has FIT properly. It's like when I got my Autism diagnosis - suddenly everything has context and MAKES SENSE. It feels like HOME.

But the more I learn about history in terms of wlw, and look around for representation and shit now that I FINALLY got where I am ... the more depressed I get. In a way, being bisexual was easier. It was easy to find rep. To feel rep. People were generally defensive of the label, stamped out Pan/Bi discourse most of the time and defended it loudly and with pride! I was happy in that label at the time, though it wasn't for me in the end. I felt safe. Validated. Accepted.

Lesbians? I feel like the label has been a battleground since the moment I stepped foot into it. I am seeing conversations swung around with all the grace and sharp edges of a mediaeval flail with the complete disregard of healthy boundaries others have, which again - knowing the HISTORY of how lesbianism has been interpreted over time is just ... it's misogyny in another coat. Whether internalised or intentional it is still here and it is still damaging. I sit here wondering why it's okay to have gay exclusive or trans exclusive or bi exclusive spaces but if a Lesbian tries to create one it is absolutely BATTERED for being 'exclusionary'. I mean, I know why it's like this. It's the fucking TERFs. The TERFs poisoned the water. So now a lot of lesbians feel compelled to open spaces to all as an assurance to keep them out, and in turn that is isolating. I desperately search around for people to relate to, to help navigate this world I've come into so late: I am lost, I need help, I am so isolated and alone.

And I can't find anything. Or its few and far between. I have to sift through walls and walls of experiences that while valid, are not mine. They don't help. I see lesbians getting attacked for expressing their pain over things like this, that lesbian bars are on the decline. I see headlines about a women exclusive bar as part of a temporary art exhibition being taken to court in my country by some man who filed for discrimination. I read the history of Lesbians in the American West, poorly documented as it is, that 'Lesbians had it better' than gay men because 'romantic friendships' were normalised between women - because no one believed a relationship could be 'real' unless a man was involved. Kissing and sleeping with your female friend was fine - you were just expected to 'grow up' and eventually conform to the patriarchal society structure of getting married and having children. Only men could become permanent 'confirmed bachelors'. The top Reddit related to lesbians is for porn. That objectification even invades the lesbian tag here, on a site where NSFW content has nearly been completely expunged. I know it's shit like this, way back in the 2000s was the reason I just could not accept being lesbian. I couldn't see myself in it because it was so objectified and the thought of 'engaging' in it felt gross. And it feels disgusting now.

I grew up in an environment where Lesbianism was considered something people did for attention or clout, to become more attractive to men. I see posts even now of angry lesbians venting about being predated on by bisexual women, who only mention way later that their 'boyfriend is feeling left out :('. So while it's not as bad as it was, it's still there. It's just now no longer AS socially acceptable.

So I think I understand why it took me so long. I think my mind was trying to protect me from all of this. Because although being Lesbian feels like home, I feel even more invisible. Bisexuals always were joking about being 'invisible', but as a Lesbian I feel like I don't even exist. I'm on another plane of reality. If I try to stick my head out there and make myself visible I am shamed, ridiculed, second guessed, invalidated. I see it happening everywhere, every damn day.

I see it in the shitty wlw fic ratio in nearly every fandom on Ao3. I see it in Lesbian Day of Visibility being so quiet on Tumblr that I missed it. I see it in the comments section of a relationship columnist who also came to her own realisation about being lesbian late, being told she 'just needs to find the right man' to fuck her right, she's not a lesbian! Fucking a man is the solution - even though she was married and in a het relationship for years. Even as she fights back with studies showing how wide the gender orgasm gap is.

Everywhere I turn, I am told I am not valid. That my opinions don't matter. That my preferences aren't real because a man isn't involved in some way, and it's only for THEIR entertainment when it is acceptable. I see lesbian spaces filling with bisexuals and transgender women and little lesbian voices left. I hesitate to write the last sentence because I know of the ire I could invoke by simply stating that.

I love being Lesbian. It feels like home. But I'm in an empty house with cracked windows and if I make the slightest noise someone throws a bottle through the window at me. I feel unsafe, scared, belittled, isolated and so, so fucking alone. I don't feel proud. I almost wish I could go back to being Bisexual. But it doesn't work that way. I can't keep pretending I'm something I'm not anymore, that has taken up and destroyed so much of my life and health over the years. And the idea of going back, trying to bring men back into focus feels physically disgusting. I spent 10 years in a het relationship, I think I gave it a good go and it WASN'T FOR ME. And I shouldn't need to say I have dated or fucked a woman for that to be valid either.

I don't know where I'm going with this. All I know is I feel like shit and I don't even know where or how the find people to help me through this. And it fucking hurts.

#kerytalk #ventposting #lesbian #it is bad lonely isolated lesbian hours #oh also you bet my shite mood contributing to creative block so I can't remedy my problem #by contributing wlw art and fic #is eating me alive and making my mood worse

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just-antithings · 10 months

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was fucked up by my sleeping pills bc they had kicked in but I was scrolling thru tumblr and was high bc of that, and anyways did a long ass ramble in tags on a post about being a mystery or some shit where I had cracked a joke doctors @ me, in the tag and elaborated, and forgot abt tumblr’s update where ppl can see tags and anyways i fucking. forgot about the tags entirely But apparently op was a fucking anti or whatever which is Unfortunate for me bc now I have ppl being a bitch to me and also being ableist in my inbox but like. I was high and was not even venting-it genuinely was just me talking and trying to relate to others who may have medical issues that are Uncommon :( was generally very jokey but i may have had a tone issue? I tend to get very open and tangential when I’m still awake after I take my pills. normally it’s fine cause it’s been about other shit. nothing identifiable as far as I can tell was said but idk as I said I do have memory issues in general and was not fucking sober AND I’m autistic. (Not an excuse, but an explanation.) anyways I’m just blocking and deleting and pretending I don’t see it as per normal but they really don’t have any compassion at all for ppl. Wild of them. how do these ppl go thru life not able to mind they own? also one of the morons is legitimately a fucking sysmed (said so themselves) and says they didn’t need to know my “entire fucking medical history” 1 bb that’s literally ur whole thing remember u WANT ppls diagnoses so u can decide whether or not they’re valid. 2 girlie I A) didn’t expect nobody to see it from what I said and B) didn’t give u my entire history cause boy oh boy that would take so much goddamn time and wouldn’t fit within tags. I personally diagnose u with “bitch disease” it’s a disease where ur a fucking bitch. treatment plans typically include learning to be a decent person and not throwing stones within your glass house. I may be a sick fuck, but ur a nasty bitch. I’m not even really mad about this all, I’m just impressed at their hypocrisy at this point. Like babydoll, if ur gonna send ppl gore bc they wrote about two made up men kissing then it’s fine for me to talk NON GRAPHICALLY (I mean if I was graphically describing shit then yeah I’d even get it even with everything else but i literally just mentioned the basics and moved on.) about med shit that has confused doctors for years in the tags which historically have been generally private unless u looked at my direct reblog. Also the same person complained about taking up “too much of their dash” baby. sweetheart darling child who needs to go to bed and quit talking to the big kids until ur ready to act like a big kid : please understand that YOU CLICKED SEE MORE. once the tags take up a certain amount of space they do in fact happen to have an automatic see more. do you know nothing about the color of the sky? I could be so much more obnoxious. There was even a damn warning that the tags were long. And again I did fuck up by forgetting tags are no longer private but literally that’s the way it was intended to start with. it’s rude of tumblr to expose that shit. anywho I’m defs high again sorrys (it’s prescribed I’m not doing like illegal crack cocaine i promys)

#mod erin #ask #posted without comment #drug mention #caps warning #just anti things #syscourse mention #ask to tag

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thatweirdgirlwhosalwaysonline · 5 months

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Idk why you tagged my MAWS post as 'anti the boys', I like the boys lol

It’s just for organization on my own blog. I don’t like The Boys and I like to vent about it sometimes, so I have an anti tag that I attach to every post that I see as relevant to my own opinions. A big part of why I dislike the show is because of its use of the “evil Superman” trope, so I tend to use that tag for every post I reblog that discusses people automatically being suspicious of Superman, whether that’s in the context of characters in a show (such as MAWS) or real people who create superhero deconstructions (such as The Boys). I’m not trying to put words in your mouth. It’s just my little vent tag.

#asks #tagging

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