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#if anyone has anything negative to say about them i'm blowing this whole place up!

heeology · 12 days

Text

i want nobody but you | p.sh

synopsis → you and sunghoon have known each other your whole lives and although you've both dealt with jokes from classmates since elementary school on how you two would end up together, that never ended up happening; you two would brush it off and then move on. you never really thought about pursuing something with him romantically, especially since you like things with a more casual approach. but once sunghoon's girlfriend becomes a part of the picture, you can't help but feel these feelings consume you. being the way you are, however, you managed to push them down and you at least thought you got over them until you realize maybe they never left at all. or even worse: they were always there.

feat. → yujin (ive) & sungchan (riize)

genre → college au, friends to somewhat enemies to lovers, romance, smut, angst (eh, ig), slowburn (ig? srry lmao)

pairing → nonidol!sunghoon x fem!reader

warnings → MDNI, smoking !! (reader and sunghoon both smoke), drinking, cursing, mention(s?) of death, mention of hookups, reader is called and referred to (sometimes self referred to) as a: slut/whore; slutshaming, !! potential sh reference (pinching/hitting self; dk if that counts, but it's not mentioned after) !!, mentions of sex (obvi)

w.c. → 22.7k

a/n → long time no see lol. lmk if u would be interested in seeing some pics i took at the enha concert i went to :)) (i won't do vids because i was screaming like a baboon lmao) p.s. bear w me bc ik this is a long one, but i feel like i owe you all since i've been gone for practically a century, but pls give it a chance, i'm on my knees begging bc this took 3 days

disclaimer !! → i don’t ship any idols i portray as dating in this story irl nor do i have the intent to portray anyone in this story in a negative light, this is just for creative purposes, babes <3; this is all just fiction, take it lightly pls and thx

!!DO NOT COPY OR REPOST!!

Today has been a long day. You groan as you take a seat on a bench somewhere near the lecture hall you just left and you close your eyes as you lean back against it. You had originally thought your senior year of high school was torturous, but being a senior in college was far worse. Your eyebrows furrow a bit when you feel the weight of the bench shift a bit, meaning someone has taken a seat beside you. Your eyes open a bit and you turn your head to see Sunghoon next to you. A sigh escapes your lips and you turn your head away, closing your eyes again.

Sunghoon sits there for a moment, looking at you. Lately, you two haven’t hung out as much and although he admittedly forgot to text you for the past week and half, you were still his best friend. He could argue, though, that “the phone works both ways”, so you’re not exactly innocent either. He’s seen you around campus, hanging out with some members of the basketball team, mainly the captain: Sungchan. You didn’t seem bothered by the lack of contact between the two of you, either, so it didn’t bother him or make him feel guilty that you haven’t hung out in just a few days. No…not at all.

“Nice to see you, too.” he mumbles. You stay quiet, honestly close to falling asleep on the bench, especially with the warm breeze that is gently blowing. He narrows his eyes a bit and leans back against the bench. He does the same as you, closing his eyes as he relaxes, but he frowns to himself. “You and Sungchan seem to be close.” he says, not really even understanding why he brought it up in the first place.

This piques your interest. “What about him.” you say rather than ask, still keeping your eyes closed.

Sunghoon shrugs, still not really sure why he cares who you hang out with or how often or who they are or…anything like that. Maybe it upsets him to think about the fact that you might replace him with someone cooler as your best friend; maybe he was too lame for you. How juvenile, he thought to himself. But that’s what it felt like, to him, at least. “Nothing. I’ve just seen you guys hanging out a lot, that’s all.” Sunghoon replies.

“How would you know that; we haven’t really hung out or talked lately.” you reply, not meaning to sound snarky, but it most likely came across that way.

Sunghoon scoffs softly. “I have eyes; I can still see who you talk to.”

You open your eyes a bit and turn your head to look at him. “Stalker.” you tease.

Sunghoon opens his eyes, almost as if he can feel you looking at him and he rolls them, not amused. “Am not…I’m just trying to start a conversation or whatever.”

“About the people I talk to?”

Sunghoon shrugs. “About anything…” It stays quiet for a moment. “It’s just been a while since we’ve talked.”

“And whose fault is that?” You ask, rhetorically.

Sunghoon frowns. “Well, I’ve just been busy-”

You scoff, “Yeah. I know.” You reply dryly.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing. Just that that’s what you always say whenever we don’t talk to each other for a while. Like, I get it, you’re dating Yujin, big whoop.”

You’ve considered the possibility that he has just been busy with schoolwork, but no matter how many times you would give him the benefit of the doubt, it always ended up being because he was hanging out with Yujin. You weren’t really mad, per say, just annoyed. Severely annoyed. But what could you do? Ever since they started dating freshman year, you’ve felt like you were on the backburner. Which, again, you can’t really be upset about that. Afterall, she’s his girlfriend, whether you liked it or not. There is nothing wrong with her, you two got along fine, even if you don’t really talk or are even friends. You don’t hate her, not for any valid reasons, anyway. Still, despite how many people you know, Sunghoon is your only real friend and always has been. But it’s times like these when it feels like he means more to you than you mean to him.

“She’s my girlfriend.” He says, matter-of-factly.

You roll your eyes at his statement. “I know that,” you retort with annoyance, “you only ever bring it up every chance you get.”

“You seriously can’t be annoyed that I spend time with my own girlfriend.” He responds with the same tone.

Sometimes, Sunghoon gets caught up in things. Like being with Yujin, for example. He’ll be with her and then it just slips his mind to respond to a text of yours or to ask if you want to do something, he can’t help it. He knows that he’s your best friend and he’s certain that you’re his, too. Sure, Yujin means a lot to him, but you mean more, whether he would admit that or not. He just wants to make everything balanced, for everything to work out. But a part of him feels like something has been off since he started dating Yujin. Sure, he’s had other girlfriends, but never one for longer than a few months. This relationship is important to him. What if Yujin is the one? He can’t screw it up and he’s afraid to, so he makes sure to spend as much time with her as he can. He thought you would understand, but apparently not.

You’ve met Sunghoon’s other girlfriends, none of which bothered you as much as Yujin. Maybe because this one seems more serious. Maybe because she seems more important to him. The thought makes your stomach curdle. This whole situation makes your stomach curdle. You shouldn’t care so much, but you do. You hate that. “Whatever.” you reply, honestly not having thought of anything better to respond with. What were you supposed to say to that? Of course you understood, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck.

“Besides, like I said, you and Sungchan have been hanging out a lot recently. Don’t act like you’ve never blown me off to hang out with him.” Sunghoon says.

“Barely.”

“Not barely. A lot. ‘Oh, Sungchan invited me to his basketball game to watch’, ‘Oh, Sungchan invited me to a party,’ ‘Oh, Sungchan wants to hook up’, ‘Oh, Sungchan this and Sungchan that’.” Sunghoon mocks, annoyed.

You frown. “Why do you care? You’ve got a girlfriend, so just hang out with her instead.”

Sunghoon frowns as well. “That’s not the point. The point is that you ditch me just the same to hang out with a guy who you’re not even dating. You don’t talk to me sometimes when you’re with him or another guy, so why are you so upset that I do the same with Yujin, who I’m actually dating?”

“Stop rubbing in the fact that you’re dating someone. Good for you, who gives a shit? So what if I do the same? It’s only because you do it first!” you argue back. You grab your backpack and stand up as you put it on. You start walking away from him and he watches you as you leave.

“Great talk!” he calls out to you in a sarcastic manner.

He didn’t mean to make you upset or try to “rub his relationship” in your face, he would never try to intentionally make you upset. So, why did he care? He doesn’t, it’s as simple as that. Maybe you doing the same thing to him with Sungchan bothered him a little. Maybe you wanting to spend your time instead with someone else you’re not even dating bothered him a little. But it’s not like he actually cared or anything. He knows he can’t tell you what to do or who to see, so why does he care? He knows he blew you off, so why didn’t he just apologize? Why did he bring up Sungchan in the first place? Sunghoon sits on the bench for a moment, rethinking things. Why was he acting like you were ignoring him when it was kind of the other way around? He sighs and closes his eyes again. He’ll figure it out later.

You let out a long yawn as the dim glow from your computer screen shines on your face. It’s three in the morning, and sure, you have a class tomorrow, but you can’t sleep and figure you can just skip your lecture anyway. Even if your brightness was all the way down, it still hurt your eyes every so often, so you would close them to make them feel better while you listened to the show you were watching. You hear your phone ding and your eyes open, your hand reaching for your phone to see the text.

“are you awake?” Sunghoon texts.

He knows you are. You almost always are, which is why he knew you would see the message. Although, he did anticipate the idea of you ignoring him. You were good at things like that, things that required a stubborn attitude. He didn’t mind your stubbornness, though. He didn’t mind anything when it came to you. He waited a bit, sitting in the darkness with just the light of his phone screen, his thumb gently tapping it so it doesn’t automatically turn off as he waits for you to text back.

“yeah.” you text back.

It took you a few minutes and in all honesty, you almost didn’t respond. But you missed him, which even if he asks directly, you would deny. You wonder if he missed you too, but you shake that thought away.

“still pissy?”

This makes you laugh a little. Yes, you were, but you still found it a little funny.

“shut up.” you text back.

“wanna hang out?”

You sigh. Now he wants to? It takes you a while to reply with anything as you just stare at his message.

“can u bring the usual?” you reply.

He smiles at your text. “duh” he texts back.

You smile a bit, looking forward to actually hanging out with him. The whole argument was dumb anyway and you just wanted your best friend back. And after a while of waiting, you hear a knock on your dorm room door. You get up from your bed and unlock it, opening it as you step outside. He smiles softly when he sees you and you smile a bit back. You both quietly leave your dorm building before going outside and sitting on the curb. He sets the plastic bag he was carrying between you two and opens a bottle of beer before handing it to you. You take it and he opens his own, both of you taking a sip as a cool breeze blows softly.

“Sorry about earlier,” he says quietly, “and for not talking to you for a week. I just got caught up with Yujin, you know?”

You take another drink, not really interested in discussing this anymore. “It’s fine.”

“I also wasn’t trying to rub her and I into your face and make you feel bad or anything, it’s just…” he trails off. It’s silent for a moment as you both drink. “This week has been shitty.” he mumbles.

“Amen to that.” you reply. He chuckles softly and you both clink your bottles before smiling and taking another drink.

“How’s your love life going, anyway?” he asks, genuinely curious.

Sure, there were other things he wanted to talk about, could talk about, but this is what slipped out of his mouth first. He was actually curious, he truly wants to know. He just wants to see you happy.

You shrug, “The same; just hook ups.”

He looks at you for a moment. That’s it? You’ve been hooking up with people since the beginning of high school. Sure, you’ve dated some guys before, but they were all assholes; Sunghoon never liked them. He couldn’t stand them, to put it plainly. You deserve better, and he knows that. But he also knows you’re not into relationships. You like things to be simple and direct. But when it comes to how you feel, he knew you weren’t very expressive with that. Only when it comes to getting what you want. He kind of admires that about you.

“So…no one in particular? You just kind of…go after who you think is the hottest?”

You grin, “Something like that.” you take a sip, “So…how are things going with Yujin?”

You honestly hate that you asked. Why would you? Why would you want to hear about that? Surely, things must be going wonderfully if he’s so wrapped up in all that is her. But you’re still friends. It’s normal to ask these kinds of questions, right? Maybe he won’t really say much anyway and you’ll be a good friend for even asking. That’s what you’re hoping for, at least.

"Well... things have been kind of weird. She's been acting kinda distant recently; I don't know how else to explain it. She just seems really bored all the time. Like, the sex is good but it just seems like she's not into me anymore or something." he replies.

You give him a weird look as he brings up the topic of sex with Yujin. Gross. Just...Gross.

“Describing sex with your ‘girlfriend’ as good is never a good thing.” you say as you laugh a bit, taking a sip.

Sunghoon scoffs a bit. Why did it seem like you were happy to hear that? It irritated him a bit, but he brushed it off. “Well, I didn’t mean it like that. It’s more like…it’s become something that’s routine.”

“Yeah, that’s probably not a good sign.”

Sunghoon sighs. "I know... it's just so weird though. I mean, we've been together for so long, and she's never been the type to get bored like this. It just sucks. I'm worried if something happened between us that's making her not want to be with me anymore."

You look at him for a moment as he drinks. You hate seeing him upset and you know that Yujin means a lot to him, especially since this is his first big relationship. You frown a bit as you drink. “Have you asked her?” you take another sip, “Aren’t people in relationships supposed to communicate and shit?”

"Yeah, I asked her and she said everything was fine, but like... I don't know. I just have a feeling that she's not telling me something, and I've tried asking her multiple times, but every time, she always says everything's fine." he takes another drink. “That’s pretty much what I’ve been spending last week doing, just…trying to fix what may not even be broken.” he mumbles.

You feel bad now for getting upset at him for blowing you off. It makes sense and you just got defensive again, not really knowing what he was doing. You sit there for a moment, not really sure what to say. Sunghoon didn’t mind the silence, though. He was trying to focus on Yujin and figure out why things feel this way when maybe, they aren’t even that way at all. Maybe it’s him. He isn’t sure, but he is sure that he already feels a million times better being with you, even if it is just sitting next to each other on a curb in silence.

“Do you cum?” you ask.

Sunghoon chokes on his beer a little, hitting his chest a bit as he coughs. He looks at you, not expecting your question at all, and as for you, well, you weren’t really expecting to ask it. It kind of just…came out. Your initial thought process was to ask more about his feelings on things in the relationship, seeming more like a routine, but it kind of led to you wondering if he even cums. In your defense, you thought that if he doesn’t, then maybe the relationship is going downhill. You look at him, as if what you asked was totally normal, taking another sip of your beer. He looks back at you, seeming to have processed what you asked.

“...yeah, pretty much every time.”

“Does she?”

Again, not something you really want to know, but you do want to help him.

“...sometimes, but most of the time she doesn’t.”

You suck air through your teeth, “Uh-oh.”

“It’s not a big deal, you know, so what if sometimes we don’t? It’s not about that, it’s just about…connecting or whatever.” he mumbles as he takes a sip.

“So, then what? Do you guys just like…do it yourself?”

“Yeah, so?”

You laugh. You can’t help it, it’s just too funny. Not his obvious pain with his relationship kind of going south, but the fact that he finds this to be normal. You at least found that funny.

“What’s so funny?” he asks, pissed off, but also slightly embarrassed.

“Dude, I'm not a relationship expert, but like...shouldn't people who have sex, I don't know, finish every time? I mean, I have never really had that happen often with any of the guys I hook up with, but hey, what do I know.”

"Well... I guess, but it's not a big deal to me. As long as she enjoys it, that's what's important. And, it's not like it happens all the time. Sometimes she does finish, but it's just... well, not as often as I would hope..." he takes another sip.

You roll your eyes to yourself. Kind of out of instinct. If you’re going to be frank, you don’t give a damn about her.

You shrug, “I don’t know,” you take another sip, “you say you don’t cum sometimes, how come?”

“I don’t know…it just happens?”

You shake your head, “Nah, there’s a reason.”

“But the reason is dumb and I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” he takes another sip.

“Do you think she’s hot?”

What a stupid question. You wish you didn’t ask it. Why would you want to hear him talk about yet again how hot he thinks she is. It makes your blood boil and you would rather bash yourself over the head with your beer bottle than hear him talk about how perfect she is. But, there is a small, small part of you hoping for a certain answer. Only a small part.

“Of course I do.” he replies, simply.

“So, then, what’s the problem?”

“Sometimes I have a hard time finishing, happy? Jesus…” he mumbles as he drinks some more.

You roll your eyes. You’ve known each other your whole lives, you know when he’s lying.

“Mmm,” you take another sip, “no, you see, sometimes when I hook up with guys, I suddenly don't feel attracted to them, so then sometimes I don't finish. So do you just like sometimes not like her or something?”

He shakes his head, "No, I'm always attracted to her. But... sometimes I have a hard time finishing, and I don't know why that is."

“What do you think about?” you ask, kind of quietly.

A part of you didn’t want to ask that, besides, this conversation was becoming weird. But that small, small part of you was so desperately hoping for a certain answer. Fucked up? Yeah, most definitely, but that didn’t seem to stop you.

“About what?” he asks, actually clueless.

“When you’re having sex, what do you think about?” you ask again, taking a sip of your beer.

“...about her, that’s what you’re supposed to do, so,” he trails off, “Sometimes I…think about other things...” he answers, blushing a bit.

“Like what?”

“Just…random stuff. Why do you want to know anyway?” he asks, getting slightly defensive.

“Maybe that's what's distracting you. I don't know, spice things up with her or something. Or have an actual conversation with her about how you feel or whatever.” you mutter as you finish your beer.

He takes another sip of his beer. “Why are you acting like some sort of relationship counselor? You’ve never even really been in a relationship yourself.”

Maybe he wanted to piss you off with what he said, but only so you could back off. “Spice things up”? Yujin and him are fine, he’s deciding that right here, right now. He doesn’t want your help with this or to even discuss it anymore with you. It feels weird. Besides, he doesn’t want you to think that he’s…not good at sex. Not for any other reasons, just that…he doesn’t want you to think that about him.

You set your bottle down and look at him. “Because you’re my friend? I don’t know. Why do you care?” You hold your hand out, wanting him to hand the cigarettes he brought while your other hand digs into your sweatpants pocket for your lighter.

He reaches into the bag and hands them to you, knowing full well you could have grabbed them yourself, yet he still obliged. “So, in all of your hooking up, have you ever had feelings for anyone you hooked up with? And not those bullshit feelings for your douchebag exes, like actual feelings. Or have they all just been hookups?” he asks, hoping to change the subject.

You open the pack, “Hookups.”

“Every single one?”

“Mhm.” you answer, taking one out and putting it into your mouth, lighting it as you take a drag.

“So you’ve never fallen in love with anyone you’ve hooked up with?”

You laugh, “Fallen in love? How stupid.” you say as you take another drag.

“Okay, love might be a strong word, but like, have you never developed feelings for any of the people you’ve hooked up with?” he asks, finishing his beer.

“Nah.”

"Right, right. So, you're just all about hookups then, and that's cool, no shame or anything; I get it. But you've never felt even just a little bit of loneliness from it?" he asks as he sets his bottle down. You ignore his question, taking another drag. He knows by your reaction that he’s said something that bothers you. Whenever anything is mentioned that may reveal how you truly feel, you just block it off and move on. He sighs, not too sure why he bothered asking since you always ignore these types of topics. Sometimes, he wished you wouldn’t. He wished you would be more open with him. It feels like he can talk to you about anything and everything, even if sometimes he doesn’t want to, but he does anyway because you…well, you’re you. "I mean, it's gotta get kinda boring... always hooking up, never really connecting with anyone. Unless you don't care about that kind of thing."

“Love is stupid.” you reply flatly.

What a groundbreaking opinion. Truly, nobody has ever felt or thought the same thing. Great stuff. Sunghoon sighs at your answer, not really getting why you won’t just tell him. He wants you to. He can’t really explain why. It doesn’t have to do with wanting to get some satisfaction out of helping you or changing you, but rather, sometimes he feels like he knows nothing about you. You’re important to him, more than you could possibly understand, but still, sometimes, you seem so distant; like a stranger. He just wants to know that you trust him.

“So, just because love hasn’t exactly worked out in your life, you think love is stupid? I don’t really think that’s fair…just because your ex boyfriends were assholes doesn’t mean that true love doesn’t exist.”

For some reason, him talking about true love pisses you off. It pisses you off greatly. You can feel your skin crawl and anger boiling up inside you, so you take a drag from your cigarette, blowing out the smoke, wishing it was something else you were getting rid of.

“It’s not about them.” you take another drag, “Do you love Yujin?”

You think you know the answer already. No, you know the answer indefinitely. There is only one answer. Why would he have spent the past three–almost four years–dating her if he didn’t? You think about all the times he talked about her when they first started dating. You try not to, but your mind recalls all the details, how he said them, what he said, how he looked while he was talking. It made you sick.

His heart sinks a little when you ask the question. He stares at you for a moment, not responding to your question right away. He takes a long deep breath before he answers, “Yes.” You sit silent. You heard his answer, but you don’t want to acknowledge it. You take another drag from your cigarette, a longer one this time, blowing out the smoke slowly as you tap some of the tobacco from the butt of it off. “Do you…not believe me?” he asks, watching you. He can tell something is on your mind, you’re just having trouble saying it. He’s not asking to be snarky or anything, he asks in more of a gentle tone, just wanting you to open up or at least just say something remotely close to how you feel.

“No, I do.” you answer quietly. For some reason, it hurts to say that. It’s true, though; you do believe him…unfortunately.

Silence consumes the both of you, just sitting on the curb as time passes. Crickets chip softly in the distance and the subtle burn of the tobacco from your cigarette fills it a bit, but not enough. He stares at you, both annoyed and concerned.

“Then what is it? Are you trying to say there’s something wrong with my relationship?” he asks, suddenly defensive. Even he, himself, doesn’t know why he’s suddenly so defensive about it, especially since he brought up the issue earlier, but he doesn’t like thinking that you think there is something wrong.

“Jesus, it’s not like that.” you respond, knowing full and well it is like that.

“Then spit it out; what are you trying to say?”

“Shut up.”

You take another drag and he rolls his eyes, annoyed. “You know, you’re so annoying sometimes.”

“So are you.”

“Yeah, I know, but you’re worse.”

You take another drag, genuinely wanting him to shut up, or for things to be normal. Or better yet, for things not to be complicated. “Go cry about it to your girlfriend.”

“Screw you.”

“Ditto.”

“Whatever.” he says, pissed off.

“Yeah, whatever.” you mumble as you take another drag.

He continues to look at you, pissed off at how you don’t seem to care about anything. He used to like that a lot about you, how you never cared about what people thought and are able to brush anything off. Maybe “used to” is a bit strong, he still likes that about you, but for right now, it’s incredibly infuriating.

“You know, I’ve noticed that you always avoid giving direct answers to questions. Maybe that’s why you’re so scared of commitment; Not willing to really speak your mind out of fear of hurting someone’s feelings or your own.” he says, hoping this would piss you off enough to just say how you feel.

You roll your eyes, “Shut up.” you say as you continue smoking your cigarette.

“No, I won't shut up. In fact, I'm gonna keep talking because this is one of the rare occasions where we’re actually having a serious conversation and not just talking about petty stuff.”

You roll your eyes again. “I don’t want to.” you reply, simply.

“Too bad. because I am really curious about it. So, I’m just gonna keep asking questions. Like, have you ever experienced real heartbreak before? Because you seem like the type that just throws people away and moves on with no remorse.” You become quiet. Sure, you weren’t answering before, well, barely, anyway. But this time, you feel like you’re shrinking. That type of quiet. The type of quiet you become when you feel like you got caught and you don’t want to admit to what you did. You just smoke your cigarette. “And you don’t just avoid answering questions about your romantic life, either. You do the same thing when it comes to family, friends, and anyone else. You just push people away and never actually let anyone get to know the real you.”

“You know the real me.” you say, looking at him. In all honesty, you were insulted. He was seriously telling you that he “doesn’t know the real you” after you guys have been friends since you were two years old? What does that say about your friendship?

“No, I really don’t. All I know about you is the surface layer stuff that you’re willing to share, but I don't actually know you. No one does. Because you never let anyone get close enough.” he says as he looks you directly in the eyes, meaning every word he says. Well, maybe not every word, but it is how he feels. He doesn’t want you to get frustrated, but if that’s what it takes for you to finally say how you feel, then so be it. You do feel yourself getting frustrated and you look away, taking another drag. “And don’t deny it, ‘cause you know it’s true. You just push people away and never let yourself be vulnerable, ‘cause if you did, then they could use that vulnerability against you. And god forbid anybody ever find out about your deepest insecurities-”

“Shut the fuck up.” you say, feeling anger seethe out of you. He sits there, somewhat stunned by your response. Not exactly that you became angry, but more so that he actually got a reaction out of you. He watches you as you put your cigarette out and stand up. “I’m going back to my room.” you mutter.

He stands up. “Seriously?” he says as he sees you start to walk away. He scoffs. “You’re just going to leave? Like that? Whatever.” he mumbles as he grabs the pack of cigarettes you put back into the bag (the pack he specifically bought for you and always buys whenever you guys hang out like this). He opens it and grabs one, lighting it as he sees you turn around. You walk back over to him and snatch the pack of cigarettes from his hand. “The hell?” he asks, annoyed, as he tries to grab it back.

You hold it out of his reach. “You don’t even like red Marlboros.” you say, almost tempted to take the one out of his mouth, too just to spite him.

“Give it back.” he says sternly as he takes a small drag from the one in his mouth, holding it between his fingers as he glares at you.

“No.”

“It’s my pack of cigarettes.”

“That you bought for me.”

“And I want it back.”

“Well, tough shit, I’m not giving it back.”

“Give it.” he says as he holds out his hand. You ignore him and turn around, starting to walk away. He takes another drag, grimacing because you’re right, he doesn’t like this brand, but he’s only doing this to spite you. He gets even more pissed off just seeing you walk away. “Why are you always such a pain in the ass?”

“Could ask you the same thing.” you yell back.

He quickly puts out the cigarette and puts the bottles into the bag before catching up to you. “I'm not the one who’s always being super mean and acting all mysterious about everything. Like, what’s with all the attitude and snarky comments? You’ve been extra shitty lately.”

“Fuck you.”

He scoffs, “Yeah, that’s what I thought. You know, you’re being shitty, you just don’t wanna admit it.”

You stop walking and turn to look at him, throwing the pack at him. “Then go away.”

He grits his teeth and grabs the pack from the ground. He looks at you, “Whatever. I'm leaving. But just know, one of these days, you’re going to actually push someone away for good.”

“Hopefully it’s you.” you say as you cross your arms.

“Yeah, me too. Because I am so fed up with your bullshit.”

“Great. Go away.”

He rolls his eyes and walks past you, his arm bumping into yours purposefully as he heads back to his dorm.

As Sunghoon makes his way to his lecture, he sees Yujin in the distance talking to some of her friends. He thinks about your conversation last night. He had hopes of confiding in you a bit more about how he felt, but of course that’s not the way things panned out. He had no time to focus on that, even if he was feeling even worse now that he possibly lost his best friend for good. Shit…did he really lose you for good? He feels his blood run cold, but he’s trying to forget it and focus on her. She’s his girlfriend, he has to remember that. He walks up to her, smiling a bit. She looks at him.

“Oh…hey.” she says softly.

“Hey…can we talk for a minute?” She nods her head and stands still. Sunghoon glances at her friends and then looks back at her. “...in private?” Yujin glances at her friends before following Sunghoon over into the library, taking a seat at a table near one of the back bookshelves, a little bit of space between the two of them. “Is there a reason you’ve been acting like this lately? Do you not…want to be with me anymore?” Sunghoon asks, just getting straight to the point.

Yujin is quiet for a moment. “Everything is fine.” she says.

He crosses his arms, feeling himself getting frustrated. Why can’t people just be direct like you? Yeah, you’re not really direct with your feelings, but you are when it comes to anything else. “Are you sure? Because you've been really distant. We haven't been talking as often, you barely want to spend time with me... and it feels like you're avoiding being intimate with me, too. I had to almost beg you to spend time with me last week. Is there really nothing? Are you sure everything is fine?” Yujin listens and stays quiet. Sunghoon sighs. "You know, couples are supposed to communicate and shit, right? If something is bothering you, just come out and say it." Sure, he took a page from your book with what you said last night and perhaps some of what you said rang true after all, but he’s not really looking to give you a “you were right” moment at this time.

“You being friends with her bothers me.” Yujin says as she crosses her arms.

Sunghoon freezes for a moment, taken aback by her response. “...are you being serious?” he asks, not totally sure if she’s just messing with him.

“You hang out with her more than me to the point that I had to ask you to stop texting her whenever we would hang out and you always say you’re “just best friends”, but I don’t believe you. Do you have feelings for her?”

“Do YOU think I have feelings for her?” Sunghoon asks, becoming defensive while also avoiding answering her question directly.

“Yes.” she answers, simply.

“What, do you think I’ll dump you for her or something?”

"She's a slut. You know it, I know it, everybody knows it. I don't care if you guys are close, I'm worried she is going to make a move on you and then you break up with me just for her to use you once and then ruin you; She's bad news." Yujin says.

He feels his jaw drop a bit at what she says. Did she seriously just say that? And so boldly? He feels himself become upset about the way she talks about you. He wants to defend you, he always has, but he frowns. What if this leads to Yujin breaking up with him? You did say last night that you two were done with each other, so why does it matter? He doesn’t agree with Yujin, but he wants to save this relationship…

“You really think I'm that naive? That I'd fall for a girl like her? Just because we’re close friends doesn’t mean I automatically get feelings for her and forget about you. You know I'm smart enough to not get mixed up with someone like her.” he says, feeling like his heart is breaking as he says it. He wants Yujin to feel reassured, but after saying this…it doesn’t feel worth it.

“So you agree.” Yujin says.

Sunghoon sits there, feeling like he’s about to throw up. Why is this so hard? Why can’t he just say ‘yes’ and move on? Why can’t he be happy with Yujin? He just nods his head. “I wouldn’t fall for someone like her.” he says extremely quietly, almost as if he never wanted those words to leave his mouth. But they did and it was too late.

Yujin smiles, satisfied by his answer. She leans in and kisses his lips quickly, “I believe you.” she says softly.

Sunghoon hesitates, not glad that she believes him. Not glad that she said those things about you. Not glad that he said those things about you. He’s just not happy. He gives her a small smile and kisses her cheek quickly. “I’m glad.”

You are sitting on a bench, scrolling through your phone as you wait for your next lecture to start soon. Sunghoon sees you as he exits his lecture hall and his gaze lingers on you for a moment. He sighs to himself a bit, feeling like he was being pulled in two different directions. The more he thinks about it, he feels as though Yujin was giving him an ultimatum to choose you or her. If she said it outright, there isn’t a cell in his body that would hesitate to choose you. He thinks back to his conversation with Yujin in the library and he feels sick; he knows he did something wrong.

He walks over to you and takes a seat next to you, just wanting to make up and move on. To his surprise, however, you get up immediately and take your bag before walking away. He sits there, confused, but figures you’re still upset about the argument last night. He gets up and he follows you before catching up and gently grabbing your arm, but you end up taking it away and start walking again. He bites the inside of his cheek before stepping in front of you, “Why are you walking away from me?”

“Get away from me.”

“No.” he said as quickly as the words left your mouth.

You look at him, feeling your eyes sting, hot tears wanting to form, but you blink them away. “You should probably go find your girlfriend, you wouldn’t want to be seen hanging out with a slut like me, right?” you ask rhetorically.

“Hey-,” he cuts you off, frowning instantly when you call yourself that. “Stop it…you know I don’t see you that way.”

“That’s a fucking lie; I heard you talking to Yujin. Or are you surprised about that too since you were in the library and someone like me couldn’t possibly be in a place like that.” you say as you cross your arms, swallowing as if that will help mask your clear frustration.

“...what?” he asks quietly, freezing as he realizes what you’re saying.

“I heard you. I heard you agree with her when she called me a slut. I heard you say you "would never be stupid to fall for someone like me". Well, fuck you. Go be with your perfect girlfriend, asshole.” you say before you push past him, swallowing again, but this time to stop yourself from crying.

“Wait-” he tries to grab your arm again, but you pull it away and keep walking. He feels his heart sink as he watches you walk away. The world felt as if it just collapsed. He feels like he’s sinking and as he watches you become further from him, he feels like he’s lost everything. He’s holding his breath, not necessarily realizing he is, almost as if he exhales, he’s not sure he has the strength to take another breath knowing he’s hurt you; he doesn’t deserve to.

Everything moves in slow motion, all voices muffled, as Sunghoon feels himself being dragged inside of a party by Yujin. He can hear and see her laughing and talking with her friends as they walk inside the loud and crowded atmosphere, but he feels as if he’s hollow. He stands there like a zombie as Yujin talks and greets some of her friends. He’s not sure how it happened, especially since it was almost midnight and he honestly just wanted to go to sleep, but he somehow ended up here. His eyes felt heavy as they looked around the room, but he subconsciously stood up straighter when his eyes landed on you. It was like he had been resuscitated, his heart beating rapidly as he sees you and then he sees him.

Sunghoon rolls his eyes, noticing how Sungchan was standing closely to you, how his eyes scanned every inch of your body with some stupid, smug smirk on his face. Sunghoon rolled his eyes again and grimaced at the sight. He sees how you whisper something into his ear, Sungchan grinning as he places his hand on your hip. Suddenly, Sunghoon’s heart stopped again as his gaze fixates on his hand. His hand grips Yujin’s tightly as he clenches his jaw and his other hand curls into a fist, his fingernails digging into the palm of his hand. His breathing becomes heavy as he sees you smile, smile in a way he’s never had you smile at him before as your hand caresses Sungchan’s cheek while you clearly flirt back with him. Sunghoon was livid. He feels like an extra in his own life as he watches you fall for someone like that.

“Baby…?” Yujin asks, loosening her hand and taking it away from him since he was practically cutting off her circulation.

“I’m fine.” he mumbles, hints of anger and annoyance clear in his tone. He doesn’t look at her as he answers and she catches on.

She looks to where his gaze is and then she looks back at him, upset. “Why are you looking at her?” she asks as she crosses her arms. “You told me you don’t have feelings for her. I’m your girlfriend, not her.”

“Stop, Yujin, it’s not like that…” he mumbles, annoyed as he keeps looking at you and Sungchan. He watches as Sungchan puts his arm around your waist and he feels like the air has just been knocked out of him. His tongue pokes the inside of his cheek as he glares at the two of you, wanting nothing more than to shove him off of you.

Yujin scoffs, “I don’t even see how you could have feelings for a slut like her.” she mumbles, taking a sip of a drink her friend brought for her. Sunghoon keeps his attention on you. How Sungchan keeps you close, whispers in your ear to make you giggle and you indulge in it, how he touches you, and how he looks at you as if he’s some sick animal that wants to devour you. “Did you even hear me?” Yujin asks, pissed off.

“Yeah, I heard you.” Sunghoon mumbles as he continues watching the two of you.

Yujin glares at him and then grabs his hand, dragging him away from her friends. Sunghoon just goes along with it and as Yujin starts dragging him upstairs, Sungchan leas in and kisses you. Sunghoon’s eyes widen as he continues going upstairs with Yujin, her dragging him into an empty bedroom and closes the door behind them. Sunghoon feels like all thoughts had escaped him when he saw that and he stands there with only one thing on his mind: you.

“Let’s have sex.” Yujin says as she looks at him.

Sunghoon snaps out of it and looks at her, feeling like this is his first time seeing her tonight. He looks at her in confusion, not wanting to since he only has you on his mind, but he doesn’t want to upset her any further, so he nods his head. Yujin pulls him towards her and kisses him. He hesitates, feeling himself grimace, but he tries to ignore it and kiss her back. He doesn’t want to be up here with her, he wants to be down there with you. As they continue to kiss, Yujin begins to undress herself and Sunghoon feels himself tense up. He tries to forget about you and focus on her, thinking maybe helping her undress would help, but it doesn’t. Not even a little bit.

Yujin moves them over to the bed as she keeps kissing him and he sits there, partially kissing her back and also sitting stiff as a board. He knows this is supposed to be hot for him, having a practically naked girl on him, but he only finds himself wishing it was you. Yujin kisses down his neck as she takes off his shirt and he feels like he’s zoning out, not moving a muscle. Yujin moves her hands along his chest and down his body and then stops kissing him as she looks at him.

“You’re not even hard.” she says as she frowns. Sunghoon just stares at her, not necessarily surprised, but he still feels bad. "What the hell do you even like about her? She's a fucking whore who opens her legs for any and every guy. She has nothing else to offer besides her fucking pussy, which probably is already stretched beyond repair." Yujin says, angry. "She's nothing! She's not even special and yet she always gets any guy she wants. Well, why does she get you too?" Yujin tears up. "I'M your girlfriend, not her! Do you even love me?" Yujin asks, frustrated.

Sunghoon knows her anger is justified and he feels awful for feeling like he wants her to be you instead. As he watches and hears her say all of these things, he feels bad for treating her like this, but he also becomes angry at listening to what she’s saying about you. He feels bad for saying it feels like he doesn’t know you, because he does, and he knows you’re nothing like who she says you are.

“Answer me!” Yujin yells.

“I do love you.” Sunghoon says quickly.

“...do you love her?”

He stays quiet. Does he love you? He doesn’t know how to answer that. He knows he cares about you more than anyone else, he knows that even when you two fight, he would never want anyone else but you to be by his side, he knows that you’re the only one who gets him, he knows he likes making you smile and laugh and sometimes when you look at him, he feels like he can just look back at you forever. But is that love? Then, what is it he feels for Yujin? Does he love you and not her? How come he never realized it before? Did he always feel this way?

"Why the hell did you even ask me out? Why did you even ask me to be your girlfriend if all this time, you've wanted her? If all this time you've been in love with her?" Yujin asks, furious.

What is he supposed to say? Has he always been in love with you? He thinks for a moment. He thinks about why he asked her out in the first place, about a week after you hooked up with some guy after you two just started college. Was that the reason? Was it because he just wanted something and he knows deep down, you don’t want the same, so he found it somewhere else? You…everything has always been about you, his whole world has always revolved around you.

Yujin gets up and gets dressed. "If you want to be with her so badly, fine. But just know, she's still a whore. She'll just use you and then toss you aside." Yujin says as she finishes getting dressed. "But by all means, go sleep with that slut. We're done." Yujin says as she leaves the room.

Sunghoon sits on the bed in silence. Just great. Now, he doesn’t have a girlfriend and worst of all, he still can’t have you. He sits there for a moment longer before getting up and putting back on his shirt. Screw this party, he shouldn’t have come anyway. He walks out of the bedroom and goes downstairs, feeling like his mind is in a different place as he walks outside. He stops and notices you sitting on the curb, smoking a cigarette. He feels relieved, not seeing you in Sungchan’s arms, and for a split second, he wishes he could just walk over and take you into his, but he pushes that thought away and just decides to take a seat beside you on the curb instead. You scoot away a bit from him, silence looming over the two of you and he feels even worse.

“You shouldn’t be sitting here, you know. Your girlfriend might get pissy.” you mumble as you exhale some smoke.

“I’m not with Yujin anymore.”

You pause for a moment, “...I saw you two go upstairs.”

“She just…got upset that I couldn’t get hard. I just had so many thoughts running through my mind…” he trails off, not wanting to ramble on about it.

“Whatever.” you say as you take another drag.

“I wish I never asked her out.” he says before taking a deep breath, feeling like he said something he didn’t even realize he was keeping a secret, not even from himself.

“Why are you telling me this? In case you forgot, I am not your friend anymore. Not after what you and her said about me this morning.” You take another drag, “It's one thing for her to call me a slut, I don't care about her, but you? You agreed with her. You made fun of me. You're supposed to be my best friend and you say I'm a slut and then that you aren't "stupid" enough to date "someone like me"? Fuck you, honestly. I was so pissed when I heard that. I know we fought the other night, but I never thought you would say that shit about me.” You take another drag. “So stop talking to me about your problems like we're still friends. You want nothing to do with "someone like me"? Well, then, you got it.”

Sunghoon stays silent, feeling as if everything around him is crumbling. You’re sitting maybe a foot away from him, but he feels like you’re on the other side of the planet. “I’m sorry.” he says softly, feeling ashamed to have talked about you like that.

You shake your head and continue smoking. “Whatever.”

“I miss you.” he says suddenly. “And, I shouldn’t have said any of that this morning. I was trying to reassure Yujin at your expense and…that was a big fuck up by me. None of what I said was worth any pain I’ve caused you.”

“Well, I don’t miss you. I don’t even care.”

Sunghoon stays quiet for a moment. “I have to fix this. Not because I feel like it will make me feel better to know I said sorry, because that doesn’t fix anything; that doesn’t make you feel better. I want to fix this because, even if you don’t believe me, I value our friendship more than anything in the world.”

You scoff and don’t reply, blinking away your tears as you continue smoking. “I don’t need you. Think what you want about me, I don’t give a fuck.”

“Hey…” he says tentatively as he notices you blinking away tears. He feels like he got punched in the gut and hates himself for knowing he’s the one that caused you to feel this way. “I know I hurt you…a lot.” he admits. He doesn’t know if you would want to listen to anything else he has to say, but he wants nothing more than for everything to go back to normal. To have you back. To just have you look at him. Anything.

You scoff, “You? As if.” you say as you put out your cigarette. “Don’t flatter yourself. Like I care about your opinion.” you say as you stand up. “I don’t need your pity and I don’t need your friendship. I don’t need you.” you say as you walk away and back into the party.

He doesn’t hesitate to follow you, not wanting to let you go. He can’t. He can’t bear the thought of you actually not being a part of his life, not for one goddamn second. He tries to catch up to you, but he stops in his tracks when he sees you go back over to Sungchan. It feels as though time has stopped and he was cursed with having to watch you be with him for the rest of his life. You whisper something to Sungchan, prompting him to grin and put his hands on your waist. Sunghoon feels like he’s about to collapse as he watches Sungchan whisper something back to you before taking your hand and leading you upstairs. He wants to do something, take you away from him, tell you that you mean so much more and are so much more than whatever Sungchan thinks about you. How you mean everything to him and watching you walk upstairs with some other guy feels as though you are taking away every piece of Sunghoon, breaking him apart. But he doesn’t and an hour passes before you walk back downstairs with Sungchan, his arm around your waist.

Sungchan whispers something in your ear before letting you go and walking over to his friends, all of them laughing and teasing him. You just walk back out of the party, feeling sick to your stomach; as if you just made the biggest mistake of your life; shame. As you walk down the sidewalk, the night suddenly feels much colder than before. You take out your cigarettes and start smoking another one. Sunghoon follows and catches up, “Can I have one?” he asks, not knowing what else to say, but wanting to say something. You stay quiet, but eventually extend the one you were smoking to him. You stop walking as he takes it, taking a drag as he stands beside you.

You hold out your hand, wanting it back and after he takes another inhale from it, he exchanges it back. You take another drag, staying quiet, as you extend it back to him. He takes it as you two share the cigarette and he hands it back to you, almost wanting to just hold your hand instead. You take a long drag, holding the smoke for a while before slowly exhaling. “...you were right.” you say quietly as you hold the cigarette out for him. “It is lonely.”

He takes the cigarette, feeling hopeful that this is the beginning of an honest conversation, and relieved that you’re opening up. He hands it back to you, “Are you lonely? Do you miss having a relationship?” he asks, softly, wanting to make sure he’s being cautious so he doesn’t hurt you again.

“Not the ones I used to be in, no. Those guys were…well, you know.”

“Yeah…” he mumbles. You sigh and take a seat on the curb. He follows suit, seeing if you’ll say something else, but deciding to break the silence. “So…what kind of guy do you want?” he asks, deep down hoping for a certain answer.

You don’t answer him and instead, ignore his question. In all honesty, you don’t know. Well, you do, but you’re too scared to admit it. “You were also right about me being a slut.”

“I-I didn’t mean it-”

“You know it, everybody else knows it…and I always knew it.” You take your cigarette back and take a drag. “Hearing you say it sucked, though, but I know it’s the truth.”

“I shouldn’t have said it. I was so caught up in trying to make Yujin feel better and fix things between us when it wasn’t worth it. Not when it came at your expense.”

“I know.”

“I should’ve still stuck up for you. It didn’t matter if she was my girlfriend, you don’t deserve to be talked about like that.”

You shrug and hand him the cigarette, lighting a new one for yourself to smoke. “I don’t care anymore. Hooking up with Sungchan just now made me realize it. Seeing and hearing his friends tease him for it…” you take a long drag, “I knew that’s what I am.”

He does the same and looks at you. “Did you want to hook up with him?”

“No.”

“Then, why did you do it?” You ignore his question and keep smoking. “Hey…” he says softly. He knows you’re avoiding his question, but he wants to hear what you have to say.

“What happened with you and Yujin tonight?” you ask, wanting to change the subject.

“Just…an argument.”

“About…?”

“That’s not important.”

“You wanted to tell me all about it earlier. You said something about you not getting hard and regretting asking her out. What the hell happened? I thought you loved her or whatever.” you mumble as you inhale more smoke, a part of you hoping it chokes you.

“I do love her. But I guess…it meant something different to her. She wanted things from me I couldn’t do.”

“Like what.”

“Like…her not wanting us to be friends anymore.”

You scoff before continuing to smoke. “You should’ve chosen her.”

Sunghoon raises an eyebrow as he takes a drag. “You think I shouldn't have chosen my friend who's been with me through thick and thin over someone who was basically controlling who I talked to?”

“She was just controlling that you don't talk to me. Can't blame her, she probably thought I would try to sleep with you or something. Besides, since when did us being friends for so long suddenly matter? It didn't when you agreed with her about me being a slut.”

“It matters to me.” He says, feeling his heart sink a little at your words. It seemed like you didn’t think your friendship meant anything. He takes another drag and sighs quietly before continuing. “You’re my best friend. I care about you more than anyone else.” You stay silent as you continue to smoke. “Do you really think I don’t care about you?” he asks, softly. You just keep smoking, not really sure how to answer. He sighs to himself as he does the same and his mind wanders to thinking about you and Sungchan again. He rolls his eyes to himself as he tries to push those thoughts out of his head.

“You asked me if I ever felt heartbreak when we fought that night, talking about if that’s why I have commitment issues or whatever.” you say as you take another drag. “Yeah…I have.”

“Was the heartbreak from…” he let’s the question linger in the air for a moment, “a relationship?” You shake your head. “So…what was it from then? Who broke your heart?”

You stay silent for a moment, just smoking “...i didn't realize I fell in love with him until he got a girlfriend, well, his first serious girlfriend. At first, I didn't really care, but then…” you go quiet for a moment as you keep looking ahead, not at him. “The way he talked about her, would smile a certain way when he was with her, like he's never smiled at me before...laughing at jokes they shared...seeing him kiss her, hold her hand…” you take another drag, “holding her hand..” you repeat, like you’re lost in thought. “It's something so stupid and simple, but I've never had a guy hold my hand romantically...but he held hers and I remember feeling like I couldn't breathe. I couldn't do a damn thing but suddenly wish I was his girlfriend instead. And then I realized. I loved him.” you take another drag, “I loved him and he was in love with someone else.”

He stayed quiet the whole time you talked. He took in every single word. He took in how you said every single word, how you looked as you spoke. He felt his heart break for you. The way you talked about it was nothing like he’s ever heard you talk about; so…innocent. “Did you ever try to tell him how you felt?”

You stay quiet for a moment as you swallow. “I almost did. One time. I just felt so tired from pretending and I didn't want to just hookup with anyone anymore. I wanted to be his more than anything in the world. I almost told him and then…” you take another drag from your cigarette. “He started telling me about how he finally had sex with his girlfriend. How hot she is. How he had never seen anyone so beautiful. How he couldn't believe he was so lucky to be dating her. Fuck-” you pinch your thigh to stop yourself from crying as you take another drag. “I felt so...gross. I had never had a guy say that about me, never had a guy be proud to be with me, but the way he talked about her and everything he was saying...I knew he would laugh in my face if I, just some slut, was in love with him; he would feel grossed out or whatever. No matter how close I thought we were, I knew right then and there I would never be like her. Never like the girl he wanted.” you take another drag, “So I didn't say anything.”

Sunghoon stayed quiet again, feeling awful. He hated that you thought about yourself that way. He hated that other people had made you feel that…him included. He hated this guy, especially, for making you feel this way. What a piece of shit. You deserve nothing but the best and this guy pulls this bullshit with you? He was about ready to punch him in the face. “And you’re still friends with him? After he did all of this to you?”

“He’s all I’ve ever had.”

“He’s not all you have, though. What about me?” he asks, intending to make something positive out of this all. He just wants you to know how precious you are to him because he cares about you so much.

This, doesn’t help whatsoever, and you feel like you’re about to burst into tears. You can’t tell if he’s the idiot or if you are; maybe the latter. But when he says that, you just feel like sobbing, curling up into a ball, and dying right then and there. You pinch your thigh again, to prevent yourself from crying because you absolutely loathe it.

He notices and immediately puts his hand on yours to stop you. He hates seeing you like this and he looks at you, not wanting you to suppress this anymore.

His hand on yours, however, makes you feel even worse. Worse because it makes your stomach do flips and you can feel your heart beat faster. Worse because you know it only carries the connotation of a friend comforting a friend…nothing more. You pull your hand away and continue smoking.

He doesn’t say anything and he doesn’t try to take your hand back. It hurts him to see you pull yourself away. He just wants to make you feel better, feel safe, feel loved. Feel nothing but happiness because that’s all you deserve. But you don’t. He wants to give you everything, and so, he tries again to comfort you. He reaches for your hand, gently taking it into his, it enveloping yours as he holds it as if it is the most delicate thing on earth.

“Don’t.” you whisper, taking your hand away.

You didn’t want to. God, you didn’t want to. His hand felt like silk against yours, but you felt like you didn’t deserve it. Compared to his, your hand was like felt, worth far less than his. You didn’t want him to hold your hand, not like this. You wanted it to mean something, have some sort of value. Not for comfort. Not because he’s your best friend. Not because he felt bad. But because he loved you. Because he wanted to hold your hand and be proud as he held it. Because he wanted to claim you as is. Because you wanted to be his.

He lets go of your hand and stays silent for a moment. It was as if a part of him died inside as you pulled away your hand. All the thoughts that he was having a few seconds ago were replaced by sadness. His hands tightened into fists from the frustration of being unable to comfort you or take away your sadness. He wanted so desperately to try again, but he knew that there was nothing he could do right now. Slowly, he takes another drag of his cigarette, and you do the same with yours.

“Did you cry whenever he would talk about his girlfriend like that? Did you cry anytime he complimented her?”

You don’t answer for a while. “Yeah. When he told me he loved her, I cried later. After that, I pretended like I didn't care. And for a while, it worked. I would just hook up with guys and I would still talk and hang out with him because he didn't treat me like what everyone else saw me as. He never did. And that's one of the reasons I fell in love with him, I guess, but then sometimes...he would start talking about her and then I just...felt worse. At some point, I just kind of felt numb about it, especially after he told me about the first time they had sex. He talked about it like it was so special...like she was so special...and I just decided then and there I couldn't love him. So, I just pretended and after a while, I thought I didn't love him anymore, but one night, he started talking about how he couldn't lose his girlfriend, how he wanted to make things with her work and I felt that same feeling again, like I was going to be sick. Then, I heard him say what he really thought about me and that was the last time I cried about him.”

“What did he say about you? Did he insult you?” he asks as he feels himself becoming angry, wondering what this jerk could’ve possibly said about you to make you feel this way. But, you don’t answer, you just remain quiet and that made him want to punch this guy even more. “Do you miss him?” he asks, quietly.

“...i miss being oblivious to the fact that I love him.”

He feels his heart drop when you say that. You still love him? He swallows, feeling like he’s choking and as if all of the oxygen has been sucked out of the atmosphere. “So…you do love him. You’re still in love with him?” Once you ignore him again, the answer is clear. “You do still love him…” he mumbles. Anger courses through his veins because you’re in love with someone so fucking awful. How could you give all of yourself to someone who is too blind to see how much you’re worth? How much you mean and value you provide to meaning of life it’s goddamn self? He watches as you continue smoking. “So, you mean to tell me, after everything he’s done to you, you still love him?”

“He doesn’t know.”

“He doesn’t know you’re in love with him?”

“I told you, I never told him.”

This doesn’t help him feel any less bad for you. Some douche was out and about being happy and in love while you suffer on the sidelines? “Are you ever going to tell him?”

You shake your head as you look down. How could you? Especially since you’re delivering this whole pathetic monologue and he still isn’t taking any goddamn hint.

“Is it because he’s still with his girlfriend?”

“I don’t want to talk about this.” you say as you finish your cigarette.

He becomes frustrated, “Is he?”

“No.”

“So, they broke up.” You ignore his question once more. He waits a few seconds before speaking up again, “I’m taking that as a ‘yes’ then.”

“Why does it matter? Why do you care?”

“Why do I care?” he asks as if this question has the most obvious answer. He scoffs and takes another drag out of frustration. “Because I’m your best friend, dumbass.”

This only makes you frown as you pinch your thigh again to stop the tears threatening to fall. He frowns as well when he sees this and reaches his hand over again. “Stop.” he says as he grabs your hand. You look down at your hands and you take yours away again. He feels a lump form in his throat when you pull your hand away as a pit of sadness just keeps growing and growing in his stomach. “Why are you doing that? …do you honestly think I don’t care about you?” You just keep staring ahead of you, not looking at him once. He takes another drag and sighs. “Have I ever given you a reason for you to think that I don’t care? Have I hurt you like that guy did?”

His questions make you stay silent for a long time. You wish that you could just disappear. Or that you could go back in time and stop yourself from having these stupid feelings. Or…that you never met him in the first place. Maybe then things would be easier. Better.

“Just…answer me.” he says, pleading, almost. He wants you to understand that he is here for you, he always will be and nothing is going to get in the way of that anymore. He wants this to be clear, so he tries to hold your hand again to show his support, but you take it away once he does.

“Are you pretending or are you actually this clueless?” you ask, becoming frustrated, your voice having a hint of pain in it.

His stomach tightened when you rejected him once more. He doesn’t look at you, suddenly afraid to see your expression. He doesn’t know what to do, how to make you feel better. He stays silent for a moment and continues smoking. “Pretending about what?” he asks. You become increasingly frustrated and pinch your thigh again. He notices and grabs your hand again, “Stop.” he says sternly, but you pull your hand away.

“Jesus, you’re the guy.”

He feels himself freeze. “What the hell do you mean ‘I’m the guy’?”

“Are you dense?” you raise an eyebrow. “You’re the guy I’ve been talking about this whole damn time!”

“...i’m the guy?” he asks, completely stunned. You let out a huff of frustration and stand up, walking away. He doesn’t hesitate to stand up and go after you. He grabs your arm to stop you. “Wait, you can’t just leave…”

You keep pinching your thigh, a part of you believing it will wake you up from this nightmare as you avoid his gaze. You take your arm away from his grip. “Just forget it.”

“No. You just said I’m the guy, right? The one you’re in love with?” He asks, all of his focus on you. You ignore his question and turn around, walking away. He groans and he moves in front of you, stopping you. “You love me?” But you just avoid his gaze and don’t answer his question. He sighs, “I’m not letting you leave until you tell me.”

“No.”

He frowns. “Look at me.” he whispers. “Please…” he moves closer to you. “Do you love me?”

“Why does it matter?”

“You tell me. Why doesn’t it matter?”

You punch your thigh harshly a few times as you finally look at him. Your breath hitches as tears well in your eyes, despite you trying to ignore them. “Because I’m just a slut.”

He grabs your hand and stops you. He feels panicked, not knowing what to do or say. He doesn’t want you to cry or punish yourself. “Stop it. Stop with that bullshit. You’re not a slut, don’t you dare ever call yourself that.”

“You said it yourself. You agree with everyone else. I know you don't feel the same. I know you'll never talk about me the way you talk about Yujin or see me the way you see her. I know you said you guys broke up, but so what? I know what I am and I know that's all I'll ever be.”

He feels tears prick his own eyes as he listens to you. He shakes his head, “Stop that. Stop saying that I’ll never feel the same. Stop saying that you’re just a slut.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter! It matters to me. You’re not just “some slut”. You’re my best friend.”

You frown as you feel the urge to cry become stronger. You take your hand away and you pinch your thigh again, just wanting the tears to go away. What he said made you feel awful. It’s not what you wanted to hear. You didn’t want to be just that…and he just kept reminding you that that’s all you are. “...do you honestly think that makes me feel better?”

He frowns, “Fine. Maybe it doesn’t make you feel better. But it should. Because it’s the fucking truth.”

“Are you even thinking about what I told you? Are you even thinking about how you're the guy I've been talking about? How every time you talked about Yujin, every time I saw you hold her hand, how you talked about her when you told me about the first time you guys had sex, that I just wanted to curl up and die? You don't get it. You calling me your best friend doesn't make me feel any fucking better. It makes me feel worse than when people call me a slut. But I don't want you to stand here and try to make me feel better, because if you think telling me you care about me because I'm your 'best friend' is going to make me feel better, then you haven't listened to a damn thing I've said.”

He stares at you sympathetically. He stares at you as he realizes just how badly he’s broken your heart. As he realizes he broke your heart.

“I don't want to be your best friend. I don't want you to tell me I'm your best friend.” You keep pinching your thigh harder, but tears roll down your cheeks anyway. “I wanted it to be me.” you say as you cry even though you keep pinching harder. “I wanted to hold your hand romantically. I wanted you to smile at me the way you did with her. I wanted you to talk about me the way you talked about her.” Your breath hitches as you cry and pinch your thigh harder, your nails digging into your skin. “I wanted to be special to you. I wanted you to tell me you love me. I wanted to be your girlfriend...more than anything in the world.” You cry harder even though you try not to and you dig your nails more into your thigh.

He’s never seen you cry. Not when you broke your arm, not when your pet goldfish died, not when your first boyfriend broke up with you, not even when you get incredibly frustrated. He has never seen you cry. But he hates it. He doesn’t want to see you so sad, so hurt, in so much pain…and he hated it even more because he–the one person you loved more than anything else–was the one who was making you feel this way. He pulls you into him, hugging you tightly, just wanting to take your pain away, just wanting you to…feel loved. But you push him away and wipe your tears, and he notices the imprints from your nails on your thighs. He doesn’t even realize it, but he reaches his hand out and gently touches the marks as he looks at them. He touches the ridges softly and your skin feels so smooth to him, so precious, but you push his hand away. His eyes travel up to meet yours and he sees you’ve stopped crying.

“Why wouldn’t you just have told me how you felt?” he asks, quietly.

“For starters, you had a girlfriend. The other reason: it doesn’t matter.”

“What if I never got with Yujin? What if I was single the whole time?”

“I didn’t realize I loved you until you started dating her…”

“Why her? I’ve dated other girls before, so why her?”

You shrug, “She’s the only one you really seemed to be serious about…the only one you told you loved. Besides…I’m not some sort of homewrecker.”

“I wish you told me.” he whispers. “You were never going to tell me?”

“No.”

“So, you were just hoping I would never find out?”

“Yes.”

“So, you were just going to keep that secret for the rest of your life?”

“Yeah.”

“So, you were just going to live with that pain forever?”

“Are you going to keep asking the same question?”

“I just want to know…” he says as if he’s desperate. “Why…why would you not tell me?”

“Because you were with Yujin! Because you kept telling me how much you loved her! How pretty you thought she was, how happy you were to be with her, how smart and kind and funny and fucking perfect you thought she was! You were happy. You were happy with someone who wasn't me and although that killed me, you were happy. I couldn't do that to you.” you say as your voice breaks.

“So that justified you suffering in silence? Why would you rather see me happy while you were in pain?”

You look at him like the answer was obvious. How does he not get it? You stare at him as you remain quiet, looking at him as if it’s your last time. “Because I love you.” you say, softly.

He feels like you’re looking at him as if he is the most special person to walk on earth. He swallows out of nervousness as he realizes you gave him your heart completely. “You love me so much that you were willing to put yourself through hell just to see me be happy?” He doesn’t feel worthy of that…but you seem to think he is. You love him.

“Wouldn’t you have done the same for Yujin?”

You don’t want to hear him answer this. You don’t want to know, but you feel like he doesn’t understand. You feel like you keep repeating yourself and he’s relishing in it.

He doesn’t know how to answer. Would he? Hearing how you describe your love for him, he realizes what he felt for Yujin maybe wasn’t love. Maybe it was comfort. Or security. Or the fact that someone wanted to be with him so seriously. Maybe he did love her, but…not the way you love him. This sounds like love. This sounds like what he was supposed to feel. “Yes…” he says, not really sure if that’s true. He wants to believe he loves her. He wants to believe he didn’t waste almost four years on something that ends up meaning absolutely nothing. He has to love her.

“Then you get it.”

“Did you just hope we would break up one day so you and I would get together?”

You sigh, “You still don't get it. I know you don't feel the same way. I know I am not the type of girl you want to be with. I'm not the type of girl any guy wants to be with seriously.”

How could you say that about yourself? Sunghoon doesn’t believe any of that, not for a single fucking second. “That isn’t true. You’re smart, kind, funny, and pretty.”

“Stop.”

“No. It’s true. Everything I just said is true. You think no guy would be able to fall in love with you, but they would. You would make an awesome girlfriend.” he tries to reassure you.

You don’t want any guy.

“You’re not making me feel better.”

“What am I supposed to do, then? Agree with the bullshit you’re saying about yourself? Because that’s not fucking happening.”

“What I want you to say…you can’t.”

“Try me. Tell me.”

You just look at him. He doesn’t get it. He isn’t saying it because he doesn’t feel the same. This realization makes you feel like you’re crumpling. You look at him, defeated. If you have to tell him, you know he would only say it to make you feel better, not because he actually wants to. That. That’s what hurts the most. He would say it because you’re his best friend…but you don’t want to be.

“...are you going to try and get back together with Yujin?”

He pauses. He thinks about it for a second. “Right now…I don’t know. I guess a part of me wants to try still. Does that make me shitty?” He’s not sure why he does. Yujin is the first girl he’s ever told he loved…and he doesn’t say it often. Maybe he’s like you, in a way. He doesn’t really like saying stuff like that. It felt weird when he said it. But he thinks that’s just because he’s never said it before.

“Why would I?”

“I feel like an asshole for even considering it after everything you’ve told me-”

“She’s the one you love.”

“I’m not so sure about that.” he says, truthfully. He just needs to think. He just needs one damn second to think.

“Then let me make it clear: be with her. From my perspective, she's the one you want. What I told you, how I so stupidly cried in front of you, that doesn't matter. I told you this earlier: you should've chosen her. So just, make up with her tomorrow or whatever and be with her.” you swallow. “...but I can't be your friend.”

He sees you giving up. He hears it. He hates it. His mind is running a thousand miles per minute, he can’t fucking think and it’s pissing him off. “It’s not that easy. I can’t just ‘choose’ between the two of you. I’m confused, I just…I want to be with whoever makes me happy.”

He’s always been happy with you. Sure, you two fought, but you always got over it. You make him happy. So goddamn happy. But he’s scared. He just gave nearly four years of his life to Yujin…what if it’s because he does love her?

“That’s her.”

“How are you so sure it’s not you?”

“I know.”

He groans in frustration. “So, I have to choose between the two of you?”

You. He chooses you. He’s not sure about the rest of it, but all he knows is that he chooses you. Four years with Yujin doesn’t compare to the years you and him have had together. Nothing else matters. You. Just you.

“Just be with her.”

“What if I want to be with you?”

He hasn’t thought about it. Maybe he chooses you only as a best friend. What if he doesn’t choose you for love? …does he love you? He recalls the teasing from classmates when you guys were younger, but he's never really given any thought to it possibly becoming real. Does he love you the same way he loves Yujin? Does he even love Yujin? He doesn’t know…he just doesn’t know.

“You don’t.”

“And what makes you so sure that I choose Yujin over you? What makes you so sure you’re ‘not enough’ for me?”

“...because you would’ve chosen me first.”

“I can still choose you.”

You sigh, “You're making this complicated. You know she's the one you love, stop feeling bad for me like I'm some lost puppy and just admit it. I don't want your pity and I certainly don't want you to say you ‘choose me’ because you're confusing your pity for feelings. Stop saying I'm this great girl and stop saying any guy would be lucky to have me, that makes me feel worse. So just make up with Yujin and get back with her. Reassure her that you love her because you do and tell her I won't be a problem anymore because you and I aren't anything anymore. Problem solved.”

Is this really what you believed? Is this really what you thought? He just needed some time, he can’t think. He doesn’t know what to think anymore. You were speaking as if it was impossible for him to love you, but what if he does? How is he supposed to know? How did he know with Yujin? He’s questioning whether he even loved her since he can’t even compare how he feels about you with whatever he felt with her. He just knows it’s stronger. But stronger in what way? He sees how you’re looking at him and he realizes the only way for him to succeed in making you feel better–which is what he truly wants–is to just listen to you. He doesn’t want to. But he wants to see you be happy, even if it means he isn’t.

“Are you really sure this is what you want me to do?” he barely asks, the words leaving his mouth without any fever, as if he never wanted to utter them in the first place. As if he doesn’t want to hear your answer; see you walk out of his life.

You don’t answer him. You just look at him before walking past him. You hold your breath, knowing that once you exhale, you’re going to start sobbing. You felt so lonely. So lonely. You’ve always had him…and then you lost him to Yujin…and now, you’ve lost him for good.

He doesn’t turn around to look at you as you walk away, because he knows if he does, he will run after you and that clearly isn’t what you want. You want to let him go, at least that’s how he understands it. He doesn’t want that. He wants you. He knows that much, he knows he needs you. He’s not sure how things will look without you now. He never thought it would be like this, but here he is. …why does this feel so much worse than when Yujin walked away from him? Why does this hurt more than his actual breakup? The reason is one he doesn’t want to admit. He realizes the answer and he refuses to let it grow to fruition. He doesn’t know why it took him until now to figure it out, but he’ll realize that later. He wanted time…now, he’s got it.

Deja vu. That’s what this all feels like. Here Sunghoon was, again, at another stupid frat party around midnight. Here he was, again, with Yujin. He took your advice, he decided to apologize and get back together with her, and these past few months without you have felt like torture. Even using torture to describe it seems too dull. He has thought about nothing but you. He’s heard around campus about people you’ve hooked up with, but he doesn’t feed into it. As he stands here with Yujin at this godforsaken party, all he can feel is regret. He leans against a wall as Yujin talks with her friends and he practically chugs his drink. He doesn’t even want to leave the party because he doesn't think it's worth to waste any of his wants on anything but you. You make up all of his desires and he wants nothing more than for you to be back into his life. He finishes the rest of his drink and to his surprise, he does see you. He stands up straighter as he looks at you, but feels like his insides are on fire when he realizes you’re making out with Sungchan. On the couch. On the couch, you are making out with Sungchan. On the couch, Sungchan is running his hands along your hips and waist. On the couch, you let him.

You would be lying if you said you didn’t miss Sunghoon. A part of you went missing the night you walked away from him. You’ve seen him around campus with Yujin and eventually, it finally felt like you were over it all. Over him. You wouldn’t say you’ve been getting around quite frequently, but you won’t lie when you say that you did get with some guys to help get over him. It didn’t work. But you won’t admit to that. To you, at least, you’re over it. Over him. Sungchan helped a bit with some of the lonely nights, but you two aren’t anything serious. He’s not into that sort of thing and, hey, neither are you…so this is fine. He doesn’t lie to you about how he feels or what he wants and for that, you’re grateful. Although, you do have to admit, making out with him feels boring. Being with him feels boring. It’s not fun like it used to be…and even then, you aren’t completely sure it was even fun in the first place. Whatever, you’ll get into it at some point.

Sunghoon watches, now it really feels like deja vu. Is he dreaming? Or…is this him getting a second chance? Is this when he can finally pull you away from Sungchan and be there for you? Finally tell you how he feels? How he felt the whole time…? Suddenly, his spirits are slightly lifted, that is, until Yujin crosses her arms and scoffs before shoving him. Sunghoon is surprised and turns his attention towards her. Some people look at them, but Yujin doesn’t care, she just looks at Sunghoon, furious.

“Do you even want me to be your girlfriend?”

Maybe honesty wouldn’t be best right now. “I do…”

“Then stop looking at her.”

“Let’s…not make a scene.” he says, trying to calm her down.

“Just be honest for once: do you love me or her?”

He doesn’t know how to answer. He knows his answer, he’s had months to figure it out. But…you made yourself clear. You were done with each other. He sighs. “Can I get a moment to figure it out?” he asks, honestly a bit surprised he didn’t just cave and reassure her.

Yujin frowns and scoffs. “Let me ask you this, then. Do you wish that you were making out with her?”

He looks back at you and Sungchan, seeing him whisper something to you and you giggling before he kisses you again. He looks back at Yujin. “Yeah.” he swallows, gathering all of his courage. “But, that sounds…awful. It’s like you want me to admit I regret getting back together with you or something-”

“Do you?”

“Yes.” he answers without hesitation. He feels all of his muscles tense up. Did he really just say that? Well…it’s the truth, but he never thought he would say it. He feels…better.

Yujin quickly squashes that by slapping him, “We’re done.” she says before storming out, her friends following. Sure, the slap hurt, but as Sunghoon looks back at you and Sungchan…the pain from the slap seems so insignificant in comparison.

You decide to tell Sungchan you’re getting a drink, so you get up from the couch and go into the kitchen. You pour yourself a drink and once you do, you walk to the backyard and take a seat on the patio.

Sunghoon figures you want to be alone…but finds himself following you outside anyway. He walks over to you cautiously. You and him have spoken consistently for practically your whole lives, but he finds himself struggling to even say a simple sentence or ask a question. The time you’ve spent apart was multiple days…too many fucking days in his opinion. He can’t stand it. “Can I sit here?” he asks, referencing the spot beside you. You shrug as you take a sip of your drink. He feels relieved, baby steps, right? He takes a seat beside you and thinks for a moment on how to keep the conversation going. “So…what were you telling Sungchan?” …has he lost the ability to socialize or something because why was this the question he asks? He bites his bottom lip a bit in frustration at himself.

“Spying on me?” you tease as you extend your cup, offering him some.

Sunghoon chuckles softly and shakes his head. Hearing your voice for the first time in months makes him remember just how much he’s missed you. He feels like everything in his life is restored and he smiles a bit. “You guys were all over each other on the couch, is it really weird for me to wonder?”

You shrug, “I mean, just typical flirting and dirty talk or whatever. Why?”

He feels his breath catch in his throat. “Dirty talk”?...what the fuck? “Um…no reason…I guess I was just…curious or something.” he mumbles.

“Are you here with Yujin?” you ask as you take another sip of your drink.

He shakes his head. “Well, not anymore. She broke up with me so…I’m alone now.” he realizes how that might’ve come off. “Alone here now…not…me alone altogether…or anything.” he cringes and looks away from you, feeling completely stupid.

“What? Why did she break up with you?”

“She…saw me…looking at you and Sungchan…so she broke up with me.” he says, not really wanting to say the other stuff from the argument. You laugh in response and he frowns. “Don’t laugh.”

You nudge his shoulder, “It’s okay. If she broke up with you for that dumb of a reason, her loss.” You say as you take another sip.

He smiles slightly. It feels like old times. It feels like he has you back. It feels like you want him back. “Yeah, you’re probably right. It’s probably best I don’t have her constantly being suspicious about me and you.”

“Especially since we haven’t talked in months.”

He feels caught off guard by your blunt statement. Sure, it’s true…but it sounds like you didn’t miss him. “Yeah…we haven’t talked in a while.” You just take another sip of your drink and he looks back at you. “I’ve missed you.” He waited for you to say something back, but you didn’t. “I’ve um…missed talking to you like before. Like, before…everything got complicated and stuff-”

“I know what you meant.”

He nods his head a bit, everything now feeling awkward. “So…what have you been up to? Anything interesting happen?”

“Nope.”

“Really? Nothing? Nothing at all?”

“Yup” you say as you take another drink.

“So…for the past few months, you’ve done absolutely nothing interesting?” he asks, his tone being more lighthearted and joking to try and diffuse the tension.

“No offense, but I’m not really looking to ‘catch up’ with you.”

Sunghoon feels his heart stop for a moment, but he tries to play it off. “Okay, ouch.” he laughs nervously, “So you’re not even remotely interested in talking with me?”

You shrug, “I dunno. These past few months without you, I’ve kinda just been doing my own thing, I guess.”

Your response left him feeling worthless. Like, he didn’t even mean a single thing to you before. Which, he knows isn’t true…but you sound like you mean it. “So, you haven’t missed me at all? Not even talking to me?”

“At first, yeah. But don’t worry, I’m not in love with you anymore.”

“...you’re not…in love with me anymore…?” he asks as he feels his blood run cold. You just shake your head and continue drinking from your cup. His heart sinks immediately. He feels small; insignificant. His mind jumps back to Sungchan and he frowns. “Are you in love with him now?”

“Him?”

“Sungchan.”

“Eh,” you shrug, “we’re not dating, just casual, I guess.”

“So, you’re not exclusive with him?”

“No.”

“And you’re okay with that?”

“Yeah.”

He feels himself growing jealous and frustrated. How could you give yourself to someone who doesn’t love you? Sunghoon feels upset, realizing he unintentionally did the same thing, but still, not to this extent. He knows you. He knows you don’t want this…hopefully. But he sure as hell knows that you don’t deserve this.

“That’s ridiculous. How can you be committed to this?”

“I’m not committed.”

He groans, “That’s…not what I meant. What do you two even get out of this?”

You shrug, “Why do you care? I get you’re a relationship guy even though you’ve only been serious with one girl, but don’t shit on me and what I choose to do.”

The way you spoke got under his skin. “I care because I happen to care about the people around me. In case you haven’t noticed, I care about you.” But you just roll your eyes. “Don’t roll your eyes. I’m being serious. Why do you feel like this isn’t worth talking about?”

“Because we aren’t friends. We aren’t anything. I don’t need your input.”

It feels like you’ve slapped him in the face, and this time, it fucking stings. “What do you mean we aren’t friends? We grew up together, how the hell are we not friends?”

“Are you stupid?”

“Am I stupid?” he asks, offended and frustrated. He was starting to lose his patience. “No. I’m not. I still consider you as my friend. We grew up together, went to the same schools, hung out every damn day, how is none of that relevant?”

“We haven’t spoken in months.”

“So what?” he asks, feeling as though your friendship suddenly means less than nothing to you, somehow.

“I told you that night that I wasn’t going to be your friend anymore.”

He freezes. He knows. He also knows you don’t just say shit without it meaning anything. He knows you aren’t friends anymore, but he doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want you to be nothing to each other. He thought that if, maybe, he admitted he still sees you as his friend, you would admit the same. But you don’t. And now he feels that same empty feeling. “So…you’re just fine with letting us go without a second thought?”

You look at him, “Do you not remember anything from that night? Of course if fucking hurt; I was in love with you.”

“So it does matter.”

You sigh, “It doesn’t matter anymore; that was a long time ago.” you say as you take another sip.

He looks at you for a moment, feeling like his heart has become a punching bag and you were just taking any hit you could. Was this really the same person he grew up with? That he… “How could it not matter anymore? We used to mean the world to each other…how can that just…be…over?”

You look at him, “Because I had to get over you.”

“It’s not that easy. I spent everyday thinking about you. Everyday.”

“Why?”

“Because I love you!” He thought your question was so redundant, he honestly didn’t even realize what he said at first.

“But…” you sit there, stunned. He finally said what you wanted him to say for so long, even if it was with a frustrated tone, still…it counted. “What about Yujin?”

“She…she doesn’t matter. You do. She always suspected I was in love with you-”

“Well, this is news to me.”

He deadpans. “Are you being fucking serious? I get I never said it before, but…” he pauses; he sees what you mean. “Okay…but…you never once thought it was possible that I love you?”

“No. Because that night when I told you that night that I was in love with you, you just kept saying I was your best friend. You’re so full of it.”

“I’m not full of it! I just…for fucks sake, I just didn’t know. I thought…I don’t know, I thought maybe for you it was just passing, or something, I don’t know what I thought I just…I don’t know.”

“Right. So as I stood there, crying my eyes out as I told you how much I loved you, you thought it was one sided.” you say as you roll your eyes.

“I…” he feels like he did that night, like he can’t think. “I just didn’t know, maybe something was holding me back, I don’t know.”

“I know why.”

He looks at you, relieved, thankful that you understand what he means. “You do?”

“Of course you didn’t want to admit to that. How embarrassing for you to have a crush on one of the school’s biggest sluts.”

He frowns. “That’s not what I mean. You honestly think it’s embarrassing for me to like you?”

“Exactly. And you knew that. I don’t blame you, no guy wants their girlfriend to be a whore.” You take another sip of your drink and you look at him. “Look, I’m not mad. I got over it and I honestly don’t care anymore. I know what I am and I know that until we graduate, that’s all I’ll probably be. But it doesn’t matter. Yujin breaking up with you not too long ago was dumb, you’re a really great guy, but you’ll find someone else.” You take another sip, “I should probably head back in and find Sungchan.”

He felt anger wash over him. Not because you don’t believe him about being in love with you. Not because you were going to Sungchan. But because of the fact that you believe the things you say about yourself. You’re so special, so goddamn special, and Sunghoon is so scared as he realizes he may be too late.

“And what if I don’t want to find someone else? What if I don’t want anyone else but you?”

You look at him for a moment. “Do you remember how you would talk about Yujin with me? You may not remember everything you said, but I remember it all and I remember how you looked as you said it. You talked about her like she was the most special and most beautiful girl in the world. You had this smile that you only had with her…” you pause for a moment, “You may say you have feelings for me…but they're not like the ones you had for her, and that’s okay. I don’t want you to feel bad because you deserve to be happy, but you also deserve to find another girl that makes you talk and feel that same way…and I know that’s not me.”

You’re so wrong. You’re so fucking wrong and it was pissing him off. He wishes he just figured this out earlier. He wishes that he asked you out instead. He wishes that he told you he loves you that night. He wishes he kissed you. He wishes he held you and didn’t let go. He swallows, “You remember everything I said?” he asks, slightly surprised to hear that. Honestly, he doesn’t even remember what he said. Not anymore.

“Of course I do…I wanted nothing more than for it to be me.” you say quietly as you take a sip and sigh. “But like I said, water under the bridge.”

He feels tears begin to form. “Why did we have to grow apart? Why didn’t you just talk to me? Just one damn word. Something. I didn’t want to lose you.”

“I can’t be your friend.”

“Why not?”

You look at him for a long moment, just staying quiet. “...I’m only going to say this once…but if I stayed your friend, I would just keep hurting myself…I would still love you.”

He stays quiet for a while. Even the loud music and chatter from the people inside seemed to drown out as he looked at you; you’re all that matters; you’re all that deserves his attention. “...did it hurt when we would talk everyday?”

You sigh softly and shake your head. “Not until you started dating Yujin. Before that, everything was fine. But once she happened…it hurt like hell.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I told you. I couldn’t do that to you, you were happy.”

“I would have wanted to know. I would have wanted to be there for you…”

You laugh a little, “No, that’s weird.” You shake your head and still laugh a little, “It’s fine, I’m over it.”

“It’s not weird. It’s not okay for you to act like everything is fine.” he says, softly.

“Why are you trying to rehash this? There’s no point. Or do you like to hear about how I used to love you and it gives you some sort of ego boost or something?” you ask, not wanting to dive back into this…not again. He shakes his head, but he sighs. What is the point? You aren’t believing him and you’ve said it yourself…you’re over him. You stand up and his eyes follow you, “I’m gonna go find Sungchan. Later.” you say, not really meaning the ‘later’ part, but nonetheless, you walk away and all he can do is watch you leave…again.

He heads back into the party, wanting to find solace in getting batshit drunk or something, but he continues to torture himself by watching you dance with Sungchan. His eyes only focus on you, sure, he’s jealous and pissed off that you’re with Sungchan, but he only sees you. Sees how you move and he finds himself wishing you were dancing with him.

Sungchan pulls you closer, just whispering sweet nothings in your ear and you feel his hands grab your ass. You giggle a little and try to enjoy your time with him as he starts kissing your neck. You laugh softly as you dance with him and, unfortunately for Sunghoon, he’s bearing witness to it all. His hand practically crushes his red solo cup as fury ignites within him when he watches what Sungchan is doing. That should be him. Not that he would be so…vulgar with his actions, but it should still be him instead. He sees Sungchan whisper something to you as he takes your hand and starts taking you upstairs.

As he watched the two of you making your way upstairs, his whole body shook and trembled in rage. Every step that the two of you took together enraged him. He hated the way you casually held his hand and how he casually walked you up the stairs. He hated how he acted as if he had every right to touch you like that. He hated the fact that you were both so comfortable with one another at this point. He hated the fact that he was leading you away to his room…

You were so focused on following Sungchan, you were surprised to feel a tug on your other hand once you reached the top of the stairs. Both Sungchan and you stop and you turn to see Sunghoon holding your other hand.

Sunghoon felt at ease, like he was grounded when he felt your hand in his. This made him more confident as he tugged you towards him, wanting you away from Sungchan. This pisses Sungchan off and he scoffs as he looks at Sunghoon.

“The hell?” Sungchan says, not in the mood for any games. He tugs the hand he was holding, pulling you back towards him, but you find yourself only focused on Sunghoon as your heart starts to beat faster.

Sunghoon pulls you back towards him, his grip on your hand tightening. “Back off.” he says as he glares at Sungchan.

“You back off.” Sungchan says as he tugs you back towards him.

Sunghoon realized that you were just being tugged around, so he stopped, but he kept holding your hand. “Let go of her.”

“You let go of her.” He looks at you, “Who the hell is this guy?” Sungchan asks, annoyed.

“Someone who actually loves her instead of using her.”

You look at Sunghoon, surprised to hear him say that. Sure, he said he loved you earlier…but this time when he said it, he said it like it was what he meant to say; what he wanted to say.

Sungchan laughs. “You love her?”

Sunghoon glares at him. “Yes. I love her. Now back off.”

Sungchan scoffs and puts his arm around me. “Tell you what, bud, you can have her when I’m done.” Sungchan winks as he pulls me towards him.

Sunghoon feels enraged. This asshole was acting so entitled, acting like he won this argument when Sunghoon knew damn well he wasn’t giving up. The fact that he had the nerve to call him “bud” too made Sunghoon want to throw him down the flight of fucking stairs. How he treated you was disgusting, talking about you like that in front of you. Sunghoon tugged you towards him one last time and Sungchan rolled his eyes.

“Whatever.” Sungchan looks at you, “You know where my room is.” he says as he winks at you before walking away.

Sunghoon grimaces as Sungchan leaves, but feels better once he’s gone. The whole time, you were just looking at Sunghoon and you feel as though your heart is beating out of your chest as he holds your hand. After what he said. After all of this. He meets your gaze and he looks at you in a much more gentle manner.

“You deserve so much more…” he whispers, his breath lightly brushing along your face since you’re so close together. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry-”

“Stop.”

“No.” he says as he lets go of your hand and uses it instead to gently cup your face. “I wasn’t lying. You are all I’ve thought about for these past few months and you’re all I can ever think about. I’ve missed you every single damn second of the day and I’m sorry I was too scared to say it all before. I love you. And all this time, I’ve just thought about what you mean to me and the answer is everything; you mean everything to me. ...that seems like such a vague thing to say now that I say it out loud.” he chuckles softly, “But everything means nothing if you’re not with me. Eating, sleeping, breathing, blinking, are all pointless if I can’t spend one goddamn second with you. I’m not embarrassed of you and I only realized that night when you left that I’ve always been in love with you. Always. What I felt with Yujin is all meaningless when I compare it to how I feel about you. I love you. It was never her. Not for even a millisecond. You asked me if I would put myself through pain just to see her happy and I told you yes. I lied. I thought that was what I would do, but I realized I actually did that with you. I let you walk away because that’s what you wanted. I didn’t want that, god-” he takes a sharp inhale as he rests his forehead on yours, “It’s always been you…and I’m so sorry I never said it until now. I’m so sorry I put you through all of that shit. I’m so sorry, but please…” he whispers as he looks into your eyes, all of his focus only on you. “I love you.”

You feel your breath hitch slightly and you feel so tempted just to kiss him, but you hold yourself back. You smile a little bit and pull away slightly, feeling relieved. “...I need to smoke. You want one?” you ask as you take his hand, going into an empty bedroom.

He closes the door behind the two of you as you walk over and sit on the bed, opening the window beside it. He sits beside you as you take out your pack and he smiles a bit. “Yeah, I do.” he says as you hand him one. He watches as you light yours and then you light his for him. You both sit silently for a moment as you smoke, it being a comfortable silence until he speaks. “Thank you.” he says, mainly for lighting his cigarette, but he does want it to apply to you not leaving him again.

“I forgive you.” you say after a moment.

“You do?” he asks as he takes a drag and looks at you.

“Yeah.” you say as you take another drag yourself. “But you’ve got to get better at saying how you feel.” you tease.

He scoffs playfully and nudges your arm. “Says you.” he mumbles as he continues to smoke.

You laugh softly and shrug. “We’ll work on it.” you say before exhaling your smoke and he nods his head a bit as you both look out of the window for a moment. You glance at him and inhale from your cigarette before gently pulling him towards you. He turns his head to look at you and you kiss him gently, shotgunning the smoke slowly into his mouth.

His eyes widen a bit as his heart beats rapidly. He closes his eyes as he inhales, letting the smoke slowly fill his lungs while he leans forward to kiss you back, indulging in the feeling of your lips on his even if it wasn’t an actual kiss. After blowing out the smoke, you break the kiss and watch as he exhales the smoke. He does it slowly, feeling as though his lips are tingling, begging to meet yours again. He smirks a bit after he exhales all of the smoke and looks at you. “Damn…that was good.” he whispers as he blushes a bit.

You grin, taking another drag, “I’ve missed you.”

He takes a drag as well as smiles softly. “I’ve missed you, too.” It goes quiet, but this time, a comfortable silence as you two smoke. He blows some smoke out of the window and looks back at you. “Do you think…we could give this another shot?”

You follow suit and blow some smoke out of the window before looking at him. “Our friendship or…something more this time?”

“Something more. Both, hopefully.” he smirks a bit as he says this, taking another drag.

You smirk a little back and chuckle softly, “I really want that.”

“So do I.” he whispers as his eyes lock onto yours. He smiles softly, “We’re going to be official.”

He reaches for your hand and carefully interlaces his fingers with yours. You take another drag as you smile shyly. “Good…” you say, softly.

Your fingers seem to fit with his perfectly; everything about you is perfect and it was things like this that make him realize it all the more. You hold hands as you smoke silently, both feeling a fluttering excitement in your stomachs as your relationship dynamic shifts to one that you both have been longing for before you even realized it yourselves. He glances at you as he exhales some smoke.

“Good? Wow…I was expecting some more passion out of that.” he teases, gently squeezing your hand.

You laugh before finishing your cigarette and putting it out. You turn your body a bit to face him, “What about…fucking incredible?”

He laughs loudly at your new choice of phrasing. He calms down after a moment, “That’s more like it.” he says with a grin before smoking his cigarette again. His gaze lingers on you as he watches you smile at his reaction. Stunning. He leans in, letting go of your hand, placing his left hand beside you on the bed as his lips meet yours, kissing you.

You don’t waste a single second, kissing him back immediately as your hand makes its way to the back of his head, your fingers threading with his hair as you push yourself slightly forward, pressing your lips against his more. He inhales sharply as he moves his left arm around your waist, pulling you closer, desperately. He puts out his cigarette and discards it, using his other arm to wrap around you as well as he pulls you onto his lap. You part your legs, straddling his lap as you grin a bit into the kiss, both of your hands using their fingers to gently tug on the ends of his soft hair. You feel yourself fill with excitement, the fact that this is really happening after every inch of your body has desired this exact moment makes you feel restless.

Sunghoon runs his hands up and down your thighs, squeezing them gently, before moving them up to your hips, and then your waist. His hands suddenly felt so big against your skin, his fingers sending shivers throughout your whole body anywhere they touch. He opens his mouth slightly more and you take this as a sign to slip your tongue into it. He grins, this time, and he pulls you closer to him by gripping your waist; your bodies now pressed tightly against each other. He moves his hands to cup your face and you move yours to rest against his chest, your fingers tightly gripping his shirt in an attempt to somehow kiss him deeper. His tongue glides across yours as he kisses you with increasing desperation. The need for you grows every second that passes, he has to kiss every inch of you, he has to make you his, he has to make you feel loved; the only thoughts devouring his mind at this very moment consisted of nothing but you and his need to ensure you only ever want him.

The kiss becomes sloppy, both of your lips becoming covered in one another, and you feel yourself craving more. So much more. You bite his bottom lip a little, testing to see if this will make him decide to take initiative, resulting in him gasping softly and releasing a low moan. He liked it. He liked it a lot. He moves his hands back to your waist, pushing you down against his lap and his jaw loosens a bit as he loses his breath, feeling you finally press against his erection. You moan softly, enjoying the feeling of some sort of contact where you desperately needed it the most and it felt so good knowing he wanted you just as much as you wanted him. He couldn’t take it anymore, he had to have you.

One of his hands grips your thigh and his other arm goes back to wrapping around your waist as he picks you up a bit and lays you back against the bed, not once breaking the kiss; at this point, kissing you has become his oxygen supply. Feeling your hands on him is the only thing keeping him alive. His lips part from yours only to kiss along your jaw, just below your ear, and down to your neck. You gasp softly and your eyelids flutter closed as you relish in the feeling of his soft lips kissing your skin. He takes one of his hands and uses it to move some of your hair out of the way, placing it on the back of your head, pulling your hair softly to move your head back so he has more room to work with on your neck. You let out a soft moan, feeling him leave open mouthed kisses on every single inch of your skin, him making sure he doesn’t miss a single spot.

He opens his eyes a bit and looks at you, to see how he’s making you feel. He watches as your lips part slightly as you take in small gasps of air, as if he leaves you utterly breathless; you’ve never looked more beautiful. He watches to see what spot of your neck when he kisses it that you seem to like the most. Once he gets to a certain spot and watches you bite your bottom lip a bit, he smirks slightly against your skin and sucks gently on the area. His tongue laps the spot a bit as he sucks and nibbles on it; this was his spot now. You moan softly and you feel your breath slightly catch in your throat as he leaves a hickey. He leaves a few soft pecks on the spot a little after he’s left his mark and he smiles a bit to himself.

You feel the warmth of his body pull away from yours and your eyes open as you look at him. The moon shined a bit through the window, the light falling beautifully on him as he looked at you with a slightly flushed face. He looked back at you, seeing you laying on this bed, all for him, he felt like he was going crazy. He sits on his knees between his legs as his hands run along your thighs; he just keeps looking at you, admiring all of you. You lay there, looking at him, feeling your body become hot as he looks at you through hooded eyes, as if you leave him in a trance. Your breathing picks up in speed as he runs his hands painfully slow along your thighs and as much as you want to pull him back towards you, you feel as though you’re frozen.

He takes a slow, deep breath, as his left hand travels up to gently take your right hand. He holds it up softly, separating your fingers with his as he loosely holds your hand, his gaze now focusing on your hands. He raises your hand up and leans in, raising it to his mouth. He softly plants his lips on your fingertips, kissing them softly, up to your knuckles, trailing his lips to the back of your hand, then gently turning it to kiss along the palm of your hand. He closes his eyes as he kisses down your arm--slowly--and gently lays your arm back at your side as he kisses up to your shoulder. His hands move to the hem of your short dress, slowly sliding it up, you raising your hips to help him, and he stops, leaving it bunched around your waist as he goes back to kissing along your shoulder. He gently pushes the strap of your dress down your shoulder as he focuses on kissing your body, moving along your collarbone. He breathes deeply, pushing the other strap out of the way as he leaves open mouthed kisses on your left shoulder, down your arm, his hands gently holding it up as he kisses up to your wrist. You watch him, feeling as if your body is constantly shivering, still dressed (albeit, your dress is pushed up), yet feeling completely exposed. His hand envelopes over your left hand as he kisses your palm like he cherishes your entire being, the way he looks is as if he’s wanted to do this his whole life.

He kisses your fingers, knuckles, and fingertips, opening his eyes slowly as he lets go of your arm gently. He moves his hands back to your waist, pulling your dress up more and you sit up, realizing your body is shaking, and he kisses your forehead before pulling your dress off carefully, like he’s afraid if he does it too fast, you’ll break. He lets the dress fall to the ground, the fabric hitting the hard wood floor just as softly as he lets it go. It’s as if the room is silent, no muffled music from downstairs, no rolling of tires from the occasional cars passing on the streets, no soft wind hitting the curtains, nothing except the quiet breaths escaping from his and your lips. He feels his erection become even more painfully hard as he looks at you, and he swallows, honestly trying not to let out a moan just at the sight of you. His breath stifles a little as he places his hand on the small of your back, steadying you as he leans back in, kissing the top of your chest. He feels himself growing more desperate, desperate to feel every inch of your skin on his lips, on his fingertips.

He breathes in sharply as he presses his face more into your chest, his lips sloppily kissing along your chest as his need for you grows. His tongue trails along your skin and he shudders, his hands becoming shaky as he holds your waist, all his focus practically on making out with your chest. A low moan elicits from him and from the way he was kissing your chest with such desperation made you moan softly in response, one of your bra straps falling a little off your shoulder from his movements. It’s as if he senses it and just decides to unclasp your bra, still trying to let it slide off of you slowly and hold himself back, but once he sees you take it off, your bare chest exposed, he feels himself get so close to cumming in his pants. He gently lays you back on the bed, wasting no time, however, to wrap his lips around one of your nipples. Your breath hitches and you moan as he releases his desperation. Kissing, sucking, and fondling your breasts, small whimpers coming from him as he feels elated to finally be doing this. Spit covers your chest almost instantly as he licks and sucks, kneading your breasts, moaning as the soft flesh squeezes and molds beneath his hands. And it’s only until he feels his breathing becoming quick, his dick aching in his pants, is when he stops. He pulls away slightly, his hair slightly covering his eyes as he stares at them, his trembling fingers squeezing and spreading his spit along them, his thumbs pressing and circling your nipples, and you feel as if ripples just went throughout your entire body.

You gently push his hair away from his face and he goes back to kissing along your stomach, down to your panties. You can feel momentarily the thin layer of sweat covering his forehead when you push his hair away, running your fingers through his locks and he whines softly against your skin, his hands gripping your sides and finally moving to the edge of your panties. You wait in anticipation, expecting him to take them off, so you raise your hips slightly, but he pulls away. You pout–only slightly–as you look at him with a confused expression. He smiles sweetly, as if he’s not the one that caused you to quite literally soak through your panties. He’s noticed, god, he’s noticed, but it takes everything in him not to behave like some animal. So, with that, he moves his hands down to your feet, slowly taking off your shoes for you before setting them on the ground. He moves back a little, leaning down to kiss along your leg, stopping at your knee, before moving to do the same thing to the other leg, but this time, he kisses up your thigh, leaving open mouthed kisses on the inner part of your thigh, gently nipping at your skin, and up to your hip. He gazes at you through his eyelashes as he moves to kiss along the other thigh, closing his eyes as he moans deeply against your skin, his tongue running along your skin.

He takes in a shaky, deep breath, and you feel your whole body become stiff once you feel his warm breath scatter so deliciously on your core. He gently places his hand over your sopping panties and your breath hitches, your whole body feeling grateful for some sort of contact. His brows furrowed as he slowly rubs his middle finger along your clothed slit, a low groan escaping his lips as he feels even more of your wetness seep through the fabric as he pushes into it. His mind feels hazy; he has to taste you. He takes his hand away, licking his middle finger and he feels as if his whole body exploded. He moans quietly to himself, before gripping your thighs and sticking his tongue out, licking a slow, long stripe between your clothed folds to your clit. Your eyes roll back as you gasp and moan. His fingers dig into the skin of your thighs as he feels himself lose all sense of sanity. He wanted nothing more than to take his time, but fuck, he can’t do it anymore.

His lips instantly latch around your clothed clit, sucking and lapping his tongue as he starts to subconsciously rut his hips against the mattress. His saliva soaks your panties entirely as he presses his tongue more firmly, causing you to moan louder, gasping, as your hand makes its way to his hair, your fingers tangling in it. He moans and pulls away only a little before diving back in, pushing your panties to the side with his face as he makes out between your folds. His jaw is working overtime, his tongue lapping and picking up as much of you as you can give, His nose bumps against your clit as he loses himself in your taste, eating you out like a madman. He groans and moans into you, his hip movements stuttering as he licks all the way back up to your clit, moving his right hand off of your thigh before pushing his middle and ring finger into you, making sure to rub them between your folds before he does. He sucks and licks your clit, moaning and whimpering as he pushes his fingers in and out of you, not stopping until his knuckles prevent him.

You moan his name, gripping his hair, pushing his face against your clit more as your legs shake and you cum, moaning his name. He whimpers and the way you taste sends him over the edge as he feels himself cum in his pants, his jaw falling slack a bit, and he pulls his fingers out, desperate to lick them clean. You let go of his hair, trying to catch your breath and he sits up, his face slick and covered in you, and he tugs your panties off. You look at him, watching as he undresses himself and you feel your body become light as he reveals more and more of himself to you. His bare chest, his abs, god, his biceps, you were about ready to start touching yourself at the sight, desperate for him, but you managed to stay put.

He feels his ego boost a little bit, watching how you look at him, examining his body as if he is some work of art. He’s going to give you everything he knows you deserve and that thought alone makes him smirk. You notice as he takes off his underwear the wet patch from his prior release, making you grin a bit. He finally lets his cock out, it still being painfully hard despite him having cummed already, and you gaze at it. You feel yourself clench around nothing, wanting him so desperately to fill you up and he sees it. He smiles innocently, as if you both aren’t completely naked and horny before he grabs a cigarette and lights it. He takes a drag as he spreads the precum spilling from his tip all along his length and you watch his every movement, honestly feeling your mouth water at the sight. You sit up and he motions his head to the window as the cigarette sits between his lips.

You turn and face the window, propping your forearms against the windowsill as you look outside, the cool breeze honestly feeling nice against your flushed, hot skin. You feel his presence shift behind you as he takes another drag. He sighs softly, looking at yourself propped like this, he places his free hand on your hip, lining himself up with you. He moves that hand and gently brushes your hair softly to the side, exposing your back entirely, and you turn your head a bit to look back at him. He exhales some smoke and meets your gaze, gently brushing his fingers along your cheek.

“Relax…” he says before leaning to whisper in your ear, “and don’t be afraid to let the neighborhood know my name.” he says before kissing your cheek.

You feel your body shudder at his words and he holds the cigarette between his lips as he uses one hand to hold your hip, the other gripping his cock before he slides it up and down, teasingly, between your folds. You gasp softly and he smirks, pushing his tip against your clit and he hisses a little, more precum leaking from his tip. He guides his cock into you, needing to quickly grab his cigarette from his mouth due to his jaw falling slack as he bottoms out into you. Your fingers grip the edge of the windowsill, your jaw dropping as you feel him finally giving you what you want. You moan and become breathless. He takes another drag from his cigarette before moving his hand from your hip to your shoulder as he pulls his hips away and then thrusts himself back into you entirely.

He filled you up perfectly, and he was damn ready to cum just from the way it felt like you perfectly felt around him. So warm and so fucking wet. He thrusts in and out of you a few times, groaning as you moan, sounds of you coating his cock more and more each time he goes in and out of you. He takes a shaky inhale from his cigarette, his eyes rolling back a bit as he thrusts a bit faster, before taking the cigarette out of his mouth, gripping the back of your head, a handful of your hair between his fingers, as he pulls you up and turns your head towards him. You moan and whine looking at him as he kisses you, shotgunning you this time as he keeps a steady pace of thrusting into you. You felt like you were going to choke, but you inhale what he exhales and as he pulls away, you turn back and lean your forearms against the windowsill as you blow out the smoke, gasping afterwards and moaning his name.

“Good girl,” he groans and puts the cigarette out, putting both of his hands on your hips, thrusting faster. “Such a good girl.”

You moan at his praise and breathe quickly as all you can do is let out strings of long moans as you feel his cock press into you over and over, him somehow hitting every area that makes your knees weak and mind hazy. His fingers dig into your skin as his hips rapidly pound and slap against your ass, the sound of skin slapping becoming louder and louder. You moan his name loudly, and as a reward, he pushes further, you feeling his tip brush against your cervix and you gasp, moaning his name lewdly. He grunts, the way you just moaned his name almost made him cum automatically.

“Louder, sweetheart, come on.”

You gasp for air as he fucks you so goddamn good, and you try to arch your lower back a bit so he can go deeper. You moan his name as many times as he wants, whatever it takes for him to rut in and out of you faster, to which he obliged. His breathing becomes heavy and your legs shake as you throw your head back a bit, your jaw dropping as you let out a long moan, cum spreading all over his cock. He grunts and whimpers, wrapping his arms around your waist as his brows knit together, him leaning down and kissing your shoulder as he pumps you full of cum, a low moan coming from him and onto your shoulder. He moans your name softly as he lets out a few more shallow thrusts, making sure he gives you every last drop. You feel yourself shiver as the warm liquid pushes into you and you whine a little.

After a moment of him holding you close and staying inside of you, he kisses your shoulder softly again before pulling out and pulling away. He lays back onto the bed and you shudder as you feel his and your cum spilling out of you and trailing slowly down your inner thigh. He opens his arms a bit and you go to him, letting out a sigh as you rest your head on his chest and feeling content when his arms wrap around you. His hand slowly moves up and down your back before he kisses the top of your head. It’s silent for a while as you both lay there.

“So…we’re a thing now?” you ask, partly joking, but part of you was seriously asking.

He looks down at you and scoffs playfully. “After all of this, you still don’t get it?” he chuckles softly. “I want nobody but you.”

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rpmemesbyarat · 3 years

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RP meme from Scream Queens Ep 1 "Pilot" & Ep 2 "Hell Week"(Note: Offensive content, use at own discretion)

Something really bad happened.

Did you just get your period all over yourself?

This isn't my blood.

Who told you you could have a baby here tonight?

I'm sure I can walk if I can just get some Gatorade.

I don't care if you can walk.

How are we supposed to get you to the front door without everyone seeing you all gross and postpartum?

No one wants to see that at a party.

This is super embarrassing.

I didn't even know I was pregnant.

You guys, they're playing "Waterfalls."

Is that a baby? Amazing.

I am not missing "Waterfalls" for this. "Waterfalls" is my jam.

Give the baby some mojito to quiet it down.

How do you know she's dead?

These are my minions. I don't know their names. I don't want to know their names.

I have a colonic at 10

Life is a class system.

Oh, still a lot of puke to scrub.

Yeah, you have an amazing skill at telling people what they need to hear.

I'm sorry. Did I ask you to pull down my panties and blow a compliment up my butt?

I hate sororities, and I hate you.

First of all, I'm not a lesbian.

You see, out in the real world, people just don't talk that way to other people. It's not normal.

Well, that sure sounds suspicious.

No one forced that goat to get as drunk as it got.

Historically, short people are sneaky backstabbers, like Napoleon or Paul Shaffer.

I could actually handle that you're built like a Thai ladyboy, but what I can't stand is that you think you're my heir apparent.

Don't you want me to spray-tan you?

I would honestly rather not have you around.

The police still can't figure out who filled that tank with hydrochloric acid.

It's good enough for me, and the D.A., who, last I heard, considers the case closed.

What is that skirt?

Your organization might want to find a lawyer.

I'm a pretty smart cookie.

I would not get personal with me, sweetheart.

I don't fight fair.

I am sentimental.

Look, girls are vicious, okay?

I don't have any of my own memories.

Just like we planned. Three-second silent hug, and then you leave.

Ooh, somebody call CSI, because there was a murder scene in that bathroom.

Someone puked in the sink and I'm pretty sure I saw an actual ringworm climbing up the wall. I'm not afraid of anything, but that bathroom scared the crap out of me.

This is gonna be a year of infinite possibilities.

Hold this. It's too heavy.

You didn't knock!

Look at them. They're the dregs of society.

Each one of these gashes is worse than the next.

She smells like hot dog water, and probably sprained her neck giving blumpkins down at the local bowling alley.

Look, I'm not saying that all heterosexual sex is rape. I'm saying all heterosexual sex is gross, and that deep down, every woman knows this.

All that girl's after is a whole lot of bikini burger.

Hey, girl, can I just ask you, what's up with your outfit?

God knows what they're talking about, basic bitches.

What fresh hell is this?

I need you to stay popular, 'cause if you want to stay at the top of the list of the pieces of ass I'm getting, there's criteria. And the criteria is you got to be popular.

Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there, because I'm getting really pissed off.

Stop fake crying.

Anyone you dated would be popular. I mean, they would be popular because they're dating you.

My ego, it's super strong, ok, but it's not strong enough that I can just go around dating garbage people.

Like, yes, I could find a random girl who wasn't popular, and, yes, if I started dating her she would then become popular.

But you said you loved me.

I do sort of love you.

I would love you a lot more if other people loved you, too.

Okay, I need you to leave because you're bumming me out

We're just trying to have a nice day hitting golf balls at hippies.

Pretty girls, like you and me.

That's why I'm gonna burn your face off.

Ugh! You burned the milk!

Next time, I get you fired, or worse.

Actually, I just want a regular coffee. Those white girl pumpkin spice lattes annoy me.

I like to think of myself, uh, as an investigative reporter.

I had to get a restraining order.

I tend to get a bit passionate about things.

Look, you intentionally led me on.

You kept acting like you liked me just so you could humiliate me.

Enter, ye who dare.

I love a creepy collage.

It's about kicking the living crap out of someone when they disrespect you.

I was just in your room, where I noticed you have a sizeable shrine with evil burning candles, photos of me with my face scratched out and pairs of my stolen panties.

How about I just drown you in it?

Well, of course she's dead! You just burned her face off!

You don't die from getting your face burned off.

There's a dead woman in your kitchen.

I'm going to the authorities.

That's not how I saw it. And my witnesses agree.

You're an awful person.

Who wants cocktails?

How did my life turn into this?

Have you seen the way girls dress on this campus?

I'm sitting in the same office I used to throw bricks into.

You're awful in bed. Are you aware?

I'm gonna take a pair of your panties.

I'm gonna barf on your face unless you get out of here.

Try to figure out who gave you such disgusting mommy issues.

You loaded a dead body into a freezer.

What are you proposing?

I want to help you with your exposé, secretly feed you info.

You need eyes on the inside.

I don't know what to do with the body.

Are you saying dead bodies don't turn you on?

You are so lame, you know that?

God, I love all that death stuff.

Show me the body.

Show me the dead body.

This blood oath will ensure solidarity among us. We are all related now.

I just Googled "blood oath" and this is what came up.

What does this oath even mean?

I just need you all to not say anything about what happened, and I figured a blood oath was cheaper than buying you all presents.

Wait, what about STDs?

Idiot, you don't get STDs from blood oaths.

You get STDs from dirty toilet seats and drinking the water in Mexico.

Um, "STD" stands for "sexually transmitted disease," which means that it's transmitted sexually.

When were you in Mexico?

You know what, forget the blood oath.

I can't stay silent!

I'm calling my mom, and I'm going home.

Okay, Pissy Spacek, you and I have a few differences we need to iron out.

I want you to be one of my minions.

It's the gateway to the top of the heap.

You put on a good front, but you're miserable.

Don't you think any of that has anything to do with the fact that you've created an atmosphere based solely on negativity and raw ambition?

Can we talk for real for a second, please?

I mean, you're so confident without being mean. What antidepressants are you on?

Don't you see that all that's happened isn't a crisis? It's an opportunity.

Yeah, no, I tried. See, I really tried. But all of this flowery, peace-on-Earth crap, it makes me want to puke.

You haven't even seen half of what I'm capable of!

Totally spit in your coffee, bitch.

I don't mean to be a contrarian, but I'm enjoying this.

Is that killer noises or am I hallucinating?

I'm gonna ask one more time, will you speak up?

What can you tell us about the murder?

There's an exodus right now.

The risks are real, but we need to close ranks.

I don't feel comfortable with a man protecting me. It's representative of the patriarchal, post-colonial culture that encourages violence against women.

We buy a pig and feed it the body. Pigs will eat anything.

Don't go skating on those poop lagoons, because if you fall in, you'll drown in the poop and come springtime, there'll be nothing left of your body.

Here's what you should do. Pulverize her teeth, burn off her fingerprints, and disfigure her face. Once her body is unrecognizable, we can create an incision on her inner thigh and drain out all of her bodily fluids. That'll give us more time to deconstruct the body.

Truly grinding down a body takes a lot of work. You need a really good food processor, and you run the risk of fouling the plumbing, which is why you should only do it if you know how to clear out meat and bones from a drain pipe.

I'm willing to help in any way possible.

You're obviously a psychopath and those ideas are insane!

Why are you trying to terrify us?

Can I call you Mom?

I feel so loved and protected by all of you.

Actually, it's a new pop culture trend where young women desperately in need of role models call other girls they look up to Mom.

I thought you'd be cool with it.

I mean, I did just give you several ways to dispose of a body.

Okay, fine. Just stop talking.

You are so friggin' creepy!

Someone just mowed off a deaf girl's head in our backyard.

I mean, as you can see, I'm not licensed to carry a sidearm.

Wait, so you don't have a gun?

I have pepper spray. And I have a walkie talkie that I can use to call the police, who do have guns.

What good are you?

Get the hell out of there. Run away, real fast.

Now, I would give you my number, but my cell phone is off right now.

If you want the place clean, maybe you shouldn't have burned the maid's face off.

Don't you wonder what's in there?

People have been whispering about that house for years, that it's haunted, that something really bad happened. I mean, there's no way there isn't some real-life story behind it, right?

I'm gonna have to break in.

I mean, I don't think anyone's gonna get killed in the 30 minutes we make out, right?

Can you stop talking?

You're kind of ruining whatever was good about it.

Please try to understand the situation I'm in.

I don't give a rat's ass about your job.

You know, I find good parenting incredibly attractive.

You're a snoopy little bugger.

Whose bloody clothes are those?

Supposedly, it was a super fun party.

We're all gonna pay for this.

I think it's all crap. Just a myth.

What happened to the baby?

Sometimes I picture myself like Derek Jeter, you know?

I'm gonna choke you out.

There's a serial killer on the loose.

Please don't say you want to choke me.

I'd love having sex with your corpse.

I'm sorry. This isn't working for me.

Well, I sort of am your boyfriend, and I'm protecting you by having sex with you.

No! I don't need a man to protect me.

How could I have wasted this much time?

Is my self-esteem really that low?

I'm sorry. I think we need to take a break.

I need you to leave right now!

You know, it would really help me feel better if I could just crawl into bed with you for a few minutes.

Are you gonna touch my wiener, or you gonna leave my wiener alone?

I'll leave your wiener alone.

Where are your hands?

He has a huge boner!

Why don't you go in there and ogle his big old boner?

Okay, uh, first of all, I'm not gonna go ogle his big old boner, because I'm not gay.

Look, I'm sorry everybody wants to have sex with me. Okay? I can't help that.

I'm hot. Everybody wants to get with this. Women, men, animals in the zoo, plants, probably.

You're gonna have to go right now, 'cause I am breaking up with you.

Excuse me, I broke up with you!

I regretted what I said, and I just wanted to come here and tell you that I am so sorry.

Well, I accept your apology. And now I'm breaking up with you.

Do you know why I'm breaking up with you?

You can't deal with how hot I am.

Sorry, I just broke up with you.

Can you please put some clothes on?

Um, they said, uh, I shouldn't be alone, you know, in case I fall asleep and die.

Can I just get you a robe or something though?

So you're saying I'm the killer?

Okay, this isn't about me thinking you're boyfriend material.

God, I was so gonna go to third base with you tonight, too.

What if we stapled their earlobes?

Private like the parts on a man you like putting in your mouth?

I want to publicly come out as gay on my own.

I mean, you guys have to accept everybody, right?

I actually think that's illegal.

I will come after you, do you understand that? I will destroy you.

I trust you'll consider my offer.

Name one bad thing that ever happened at a Best Buy parking lot.

You're just, like, super attractive.

Um, well, I was trying to be inconspicuous.

It's better than losing your life.

I have a thing for playlists.

Someone's got a poo belly.

Sweet Yeezus, I don't even know where to begin with you.

Bitch, I'm about to smack you so hard, your tampon's gonna pop out.

I heard screaming.

So you think the serial killer is still up there?

Upstairs to get the killer before he gets away!

You just said that you think the killer is up there, and that's where you want to go?

This is freakin' terrifying!

The killer is in the house! You hear me?

I need my damn inhaler.

What, am I supposed to be scared?

Don't even come out. We plan on getting drunk, and I don't want your bad attitude ruining it.

We're headed down to White Stallion to pick up some sluts, baby!

Yes, okay, I burned her slightly, but stop saying that I killed her.

That was a tragic accident.

I am a kind and devoted and loving friend to all.

I'm not some crazed psychopath.

Maybe you're the killer.

I will not be put on trial.

The truth is we don't know who the killer is, and, yes, I suppose it could be someone in this room.

You want to go first?

I banged, like, 50 chicks.

What took you so long?

#rp meme #rp memes #rp starters #roleplay memes #roleplay meme #roleplay starters #scream queens

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hereforthelizardsex · 3 years

Text

My friend who has never seen so much as an episode of deep space nine wrote nsfw crack fanfiction about Julian, Garak, and Dukat being captured and held in Area 51 on alternate universe (not mirror universe) Earth following a conversation where I mentioned Julian’s foot fetish and alien fucking. I am posting it here for anyone in the mood for reading something very cursed.

Ever since the universe started to collapse in on itself, our lives have been completely turned around. All of us DS9 inhabitants were shuffled into emergency escape pods that could travel much faster than your average ship. Only a third of us made it out, who knows where the rest are. We drove straight into a black hole, just hoping for the best. We ended up in a place called “The Milky Way” and eventually on Earth. Earth isn't so different from DS9, we even have some of the same evil rulers and war history, but it is weird being confined to a planet instead of living among the stars. When my ship first landed, my other ship mates had died, all six of them. I was brought to a place called area 51 and eventually given a room of my own here. All of us ‘aliens’ were given an area, which they call a cell block, to stay in with our own rooms. The biggest change, though, has been my sex life, and this is that story:

I wake up drenched in sweat and with a pounding headache, this planet is so dry that I don't know how my body has any liquids left to sweat out. I gulp down the water next to my bed, and stand to stretch my muscles, still sore from crash landing on this planet. I stiffly walk over to the mirror and stare at the bruises and cuts on my body, wishing they would heal already and that the scientists wouldn't be so eager to make new ones. I am in the middle of examining my bare abdomen when I hear my bedroom door creak open. I turn to look and see Garak staring at me from the doorway.

“It’s late.” I say, embarrassed to have been caught staring at myself in the mirror, and even more embarrassed that these thin gray cotton shorts don't hide very much, something that Garak has also noticed.

“I thought we could talk, I mean this whole thing is sort of crazy. Landing on a new planet, losing everyone we knew. I mean you watched people die in front of you, and now there's humans showing you Tik Tik dancing and something called Goggle.”

I sigh, “yeah I mean I guess so. It's not like I have anyone to miss though. I mean YOU'RE still alive and here to bother me,”

“You would've missed me if I died?” He says in a patronizing tone that I find somewhat annoying and somewhat sexy.

“ Only a little,” I responded with a smile as I woke over and sat on the edge of my bed.

“Well I was also here to ask you if you could check some of these wounds out. The people here either seem to want to make them worse or are too scared of me to help.” He walks over and sits next to, right next to me.

I lift his shirt gently and look at some of the injuries he sustained in the crash. It takes me a moment to realize that I’ve placed my hand on his abdomen while examining his side, and he hasn't moved it. I pull my hand away and feel my face turn red.

“Well they look like they're healing fine to me no sign of infection”

“Julian,” he says looking me in the eyes before reaching a hand over and placing it on the inner part of my thigh, “thank you”.

He leaves his hand there just long enough for my cock to get hard before standing up and leaving. I'm sure he noticed, but he didn't say anything and neither did I.

He comes back every night after that for the next two weeks to talk, always finding and excuse to expose some part of his body to me that shouldn't be as erotic to me as it is.

One night he was complaining about his feet hurting from being forced to run all day, to test his physical abilities, so I eagerly volunteered to rub them as we laid on my bed and talked. I stared at his scaly toes laying in my lap as my fingers expertly kneaded the soles of his feet. Of course, my body decided that now was a perfect time for an erection the size of the entire Starfleet, which was brought back up by Garak adjusting his position just as it was starting to go down, almost as if he was doing it on purpose.

Just as I was starting to suspect that he was trying to make me hard. He sat up and looked me in the eyes, “Julian how many times do I have to graze your dick with my heels, are you going to let me make you cum or not?”

I felt my face turn red yet again, and did not respond in anyway other than shock and a wide eyed stare.

“For fucks sake, you act like such a prude,” he said as he pulled down my sweatpants and let my cock spring free of its fabric cage. He leaned forward, as if to take me in his mouth, but instead spit on my cock and sat back to begin rubbing it with his feet. I tensed up in surprise but began to relax as the blood my heart was using to panic started going to my dick. Precum began to leak onto Garkas feet, coating his scaled toes and making them shine.

I noticed a very large, very long new appendage poking out under Garaks clothing and reaching over to begin rubbing it, it was warm and somewhat wet, I just had to see what it was. I pulled off his pants and was almost smacked in the face by his five foot long alien dick. Instead of a head at the end it was a fleshy hole that was oozing a clear liquid. I dipped my finger into the liquid and licked it off, moaning in ecstacy. “Fuck Garak you taste so good” i said as I felt my dick twich in the embrace of his feet, which had been massaging it back and forth. He didn't say anything but grabbed my hand and moved along his slippery penis, which was so thick I couldn't wrap my hand all the way around it. After a f few minutes he transferred some of the fluids from his penis onto his hand and began to rub my tight, somewhat throbbing, asshole, gently sliding his fingers in and out of it. It was too much for me to handle, I felt my balls tense up and my dick began squirting loads of cum all over Garaks sexy toes.

“I'm going to have to try for weeks to get all that out from under my scales you assclown” Garak said pressing his cold cardassian lips to mine. We made out passionately, his little lizard tongue darting in and out of my mouth. I was still stroking his cock when my door was flung open. i tried to jump back in surprise but was held back by Garak, whose cock seemed to get harder now that someone was watching us. I didnt see who it was, but I felt them come up behind me and saw the world go dark as I was blinded by a tie being wrapped over my eyes. I felt the strangers dick slap me in the face as it was pulled out and draped over my shoulder like a scarf. I instinctively took it in my hand and livked the side of it. This one I was able to fit my whole hand around, but it seemed to be around eight feet as opposed to Garaks measly five. I kissed along the wet shaft as my face was coated in alien precum. Garak had been fingering my ass for about ten minutes now, and he placed his hands on my hips and we moved so that he was under me. He pushed the tip of his cock into my ass and the rest that I couldn't fit quite yet sunk back into his body, in typical cardassian fashion.

I thought the mystery stranger had begun to cum, but instead the smell of dehydrated piss filled my nostrils and I felt a runny warm liquid spill down my government issued t-shirt and roll down my body onto my cock that was now hard again. Garak thrusted in and out of me as my mouth bobbed along the strangers dick, and my blind fold began to slip loose. It fell off just as both Garak and the stranger began to cum, one in me and the other all over my face, and I looked into the eyes of my worst enemy. I had just given a blow job to none other than Dukat.

A few weeks later I noticed a particular itch around my penis, but all the usual STD tests had come back negative. My doctors decided to do one last test, and allergy test, which just so happened to be on the day that they had finished processing cardassian dna, and what do you know? I'm allergic to lizard-alien semen! Life is not worth living now…

Inspired by this collaborative image:

#deep space nine #julian bashir #elim garak #skrain dukat #Star Trek

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alloftheimaginess · 4 years

Text

Freedom (2)

Wordcount: 2519

Warnings: talks of suicide and depression.

DONT NOT READ IF YOU ARE ESSILY TRIGGERED

A/n: this was very hard for me to write and I’ve been struggling with it because I had to pull from real life events and so it was hard but I’m proud of how it turned out

Part 1

"You'll never take me alive" (Y/n) says as her and Peter play pirates and police in his room.

"I will take you dead then" peter says trying to sound serious which makes Tony and Steve struggle to keep quiet as they record from the doorway.

"Argh. You'll never take me dead" (Y/n) says jumping around the cushions that are on the floor.

"(Y/n/n) stop" Peter whines.

"You have to surrender" he says on the verge of tears and she stops.

"I decided that I'm ready to go to jail" she says. "Really?" Peter asks and she nods.

"Yes?" She asks and he pulls out the handcuffs. "Just do it already" she fake cries bringing a smile to her brothers face and she turns to see her dads in the doorway and she sends them a huge smile before putting her attention back on peter.

.......................................................................

"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to (y/n), happy birthday to you" The Avengers sing to the 6 year old girl whose grinning from ear to ear, Peter following closely behind Steve as he carries the cake into the living room. Steve sets the cake down and sits down beside her picking her up slightly so she can blow the candles out. Tony recording everything.

"Did you make a wish princess?" Nat asks smiling down at the girl.

"Yes, but auntie Nat if I tell you it's not going to come true" she says giggling.

"You are the best at keeping secrets" she says laying a hand on the small girls cheek. "Cake time?" Tony asks from behind the camera and (y/n) nods frantically.

"Cake time!" she says agreeing with him as she pulls Peter up onto her cushion so they can share the cake.

..........................................................................

"Merry Christmas princess" Tony says running into (Y/n)'s room waking her up by tickling her and she laughs.

"Merry Christmas daddy" she says her voice quiet and hoarse and Tony picks her up.

"Merry Christmas papa" she says smiling at Steve who's behind the camera before she lays her head on Tony's shoulder.

"Merry Christmas baby" he says smiling at her. "Is Peter woke yet?" She asks perking up.

"We are going to his room next" Steve tells her and she asks to be put down and Tony sets her down and she runs out the room wanting to be the one to wake Peter up.

"Merry Christmas Petie" she says jumping on the bed and Peter starts to whine.

"I'm sorry Petie but you have to get up. Let's go open gifts" she says and Peter sits up and she helps him out the bed pulling him into the living room.

..........................................................................

"We have (y/n) and Peter here" Steve says recording them on their first day of school. "What grade are you going to (Y/n)?" Steve asks and (Y/n) smiles at the camera.

"I'm going to third" she says doing a little dance causing Steve to laugh.

"What grade are you going to Peter?" He asks. "First" Peter says holding up one finger and (y/n) starts dancing towards the camera singing one of her millions of made up songs.

"Papa, I can see myself" she says as she gets up on the camera.

"Are you guys excited for school?" Tony asks and Peter and (Y/n) both start screaming, running around the front yard like headless chickens.

"I'm super excited, next week, we uh next week we get to. Next week we are going to have around the world" (y/n) finally gets out.

"You sound super excited for it" Steve says.

"I am, it's the first year petie can walk with me so we can do it together" she says staring directly in the camera wide eyed, causing tony and Steve to crack up.

...........................................................................

"This is my papa Steve and my daddy Tony, they just got back from a super top secret mission doing super top secret superhero stuff" (Y/n) says recording them as they walk into the house.

"Hi" steve says grabbing the camera from her, turning it on her.

"And this is the beautiful (Y/n), looking as beautiful as ever" he says and she turns away hiding her face. "Look at her blushing" he says and she covers the camera the best she can with her small hand.

"I love you" she says laughing and it goes black.

Peter watches the home videos over and over just to see if she's had a moment where her emotions faltered but so far they haven't and that makes him feel even worse because when she showed something was wrong with her, he brushed her off.

"Hey pete, you should get some sleep" Tony says causing him to jump and he turns around.

"I can't make sense of it" Peter says and Tony moves the movies off of the sofa to clear a seat next to Peter.

"I think she left us what we needed to understand in her letter" Tony says softly trying to get through to his son like he has been for 6 months.

"I can't read it until I know that she was happy, that this wasn't something to add up over her whole lifetime" he says looking at the screen just in time for something to catch his eye and he grabs the remote rewinding.

"There" he says standing up and going to the tv.

"Watch" he says pressing play and he slows it down just enough for Tony to catch what he's pointing to and it's a video of (y/n) on her 10th birthday and she was sitting there upset until she seen Steve walk out with the camera and then she perked up to her old self just like in all of the home videos.

He quickly changes it out and puts in her 11th birthday and it's the same thing except she's in the background of Peter being recorded, obviously going through something.

He switches video after video getting the same thing and he switches to the video of the day (y/n) went to college and that's when it breaks him, that's when he knows it's been there all along but everyone was wrapped up in themselves to notice that you were struggling and it kills him.

A sob escapes his lips as he sets the remote down knowing that he could have saved you but he was too wrapped up in doing the things every teenager does. He’s mad at himself because his spider senses didn’t tell him that something was up. They didn’t tell him that he lost his sister.

“Hey, it’s going to be okay” Tony says swallowing hard at those words.

“How can you say that? How can you stand here and tell me that it’s going to be okay? Why are you just pretending that nothing even happened. You and dad don’t even talk about it anymore it’s like you completely erased it from your memory and moved on. You don’t even care about her!” Peter screams, the dam of emotions he’s built up, breaking in a matter of seconds.

“Because it has to be!” Tony yells back and Steve runs down the stairs.

“We have no choice but to let it be okay or it’s going to kill us” Tony yells just as loud.

“You think I’m okay? You think I’m not struggling. I lost my first born, my baby Peter, you don’t think that it’s have any effect on me? You don’t think I have nightmares every night of finding her? You don’t think I want this pain to go away just as much as you do? Peter I am miserable but I have to raise you so I can’t constantly be down about it because if I do you are down a father. I loved your sister more than anything and every morning I struggle getting out of the bed but then I hear you make a noise and I know I have to get up every morning for you. Don’t try to tell me I don’t care. Don��t you dare say that, losing a child is one of the hardest things anyone has to go through and for you to say that when I had to watch my daughter get lowered into the ground, it hurts and I know you’re grieving still, we all are Pete but that doesn’t mean you can snap at me because I’m not grieving in the way you want me to” Tony says calming down.

“Pete” Steve pipes up, getting both of their attention.

“I was where you were right after it happened. Late nights, early mornings. I was going through her stuff, reading her journals, going through her text messages. I just wanted an answer, I wanted to know why she did it. Why she didn’t try to come to us and what happened that pushed her to it. But there isn’t one answer” he says crying, just like Peter and Tony.

“There’s a million tiny little answers and this needs to stop before you dig yourself into a hole so deep you can’t get out. Read your letter Peter and let that be enough for now, let it allow you some peace because peace is what we all need right now” he says picking up the tv remote.

“This isn’t what we need, we don’t need to be doing this because then we’ll only start to remember the negative instead of the positive” he says pointing to the tv and then he turns around, his breath catching in his throat when it’s the video from before you went to prom and you were twirling around the house in your dress and he watches it.

He watches as you grab Peter, much to his dismay and force him to ballroom dance with you, the whole room falling silent as they watch how gracefully you move.

“I’m sorry” Peter pipes up, not being able to keep quiet anymore.

“Don’t be” Tony says turning his attention away from the tv.

“You’re having a hard time and I would expect nothing less, just try to come to us. Let us know when it’s bothering you so we can help you” Tony says and Peter nods, turning his attention back to Steve and they both go over pulling him in to a hug.

A few days later

Peter sits down on his bed, the letter you left for him held firmly in his hands, waiting to be opened and he carefully opens it and pulls out the 8 paged letter, covered in writing on front and hack.

Hey Peter don’t be mad at me. I know if I was still there you would call me stupid and we’d argue until we both started laughing, forgetting what we were even arguing about in the first place. I just want you to know that this is not your fault no matter how much you think it is. When I came to you, it wasn’t to see if you cared, it wasn’t a confirmation of if I should do it or not. It was me allowing myself to vent and I’m not mad, I understand what it’s like to want to hang out with your friends and my love for you remained the same.

Petie. That’s so weird to write because I haven’t called you that since you were eight. The first time I seen you, I knew you were going to be my best friend and I was right. You are my little brother, my best friend, the first person that I truly loved besides dads of course, the first person I had to learn to love and was so glad to have in my life. Don’t stress yourself out trying to figure it out. There’s no point, it’s not just one thing, it’s everything. You, and dads were the lighthouse in my darkness called life for so long but then I started floating further away from you guys and I floated so far away I could no longer see the guiding light, I was alone, It was cold and dark and it became too much.

I don’t blame anybody but myself and I hope you understand that you did not do anything to push me over the edge. You were always there for me, allowing me to do stupid shit to you even when you didn’t want it because you wanted me to be happy. I was living but I wasn’t alive. I died a long time ago emotionally and mentally and my physical body just caught up to that. I didn’t mean to cause anyone any pain and I know I did, I know this will.

Knowing you, you aren’t reading this right away and it’s been some insane amount of months and you’re reading it super late at night but because you’re petie I expect nothing less. I know how much you’ll miss me and I don’t know what happens after this, but I just want you to know that I’ll miss you too and I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry for any pain that I caused and am currently causing. There’s a false bottom in my bottom drawer, I left something in there for you and I know you’ll never take it off.

Okay this letter is getting super long and I kinda want to end it so I’m going to end it on this note. You are the best little brother anyone could ever ask for, you have brought sunshine into my life since the day you entered it and I want you to use that shine to shine on the rest of the world. Tell Ned that I love him so much, almost more than I love you. Nah I’m just kidding but he’s definitely been a brother to me and I’ll always love you both. The eighth page is a letter I wrote for Ned so I need you to give that to him. I would have separated it but I ran out of envelopes so I had to stick it with yours.

You’ll always be my number one and no matter what I’ll always love you and I hope you can do the same and not be angry with me for leaving you. I love you so much Peter and I hope you enjoy the picture I drew for you on the back of this because it took hours.

Peter flips the page over to reveal a stick figure drawing of you and him, he’s in his Spider-Man mask and you’re in the biggest pair of glasses and you drew the arms to make it look like you were hugging him and he laughs, his tears hitting the paper and he quickly wipes them away drying the paper the best he can and he separates Ned letter, folding it up for him and he stares at the picture a little longer before folding up the letter and putting it in his drawer, feeling a lot better than he has for the past six months.

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sitontheground · 4 years

Text

#WitchesForBLM

So, I know I don't exactly post much, if at all, but in light of recent events in the US the majority of witches on both tumblr and tik tok have decided that on Friday June 5th, we were all going to be casting spells of protection for the protesters as well as hexing and cursing the cops and the white supremacists who oppose them.

While I am not American (I'm from Canada) nor am I a person of color but I have always been one for activism and fighting for the rights of those whose voices aren't heard or are purposefully silenced. I don't post about it because I don't post much of anything at all. This platform, for me, isn't about making my voice heard but appreciating others' work and words. I also don't particularly care for speaking about my craft much because it is something I find very personal and don't much wish to have others peering in on my personal affairs.

And yet, despite my private nature and lack of desire to post about my activism, I have made the decision to share what I did during the full moon to work this cause into my craft.

For any who have questions or complaints about how I did what I did or why, my craft is my own and I just follow what feels right. If you try and do or say anything to me that I feel is in anyway attacking me and my practice I'm just going to block you. You have no place sticking your nose in my work and I'll not thank you for it.

My Full Moon BLM Support Ritual

As a preface, a lot of the ingredients and items I used were already prepared. Most by happenstance as they are things that I typically keep on hand. The only thing I didn't have in my back pocket before I began was one of the sigils I used.

I also meditated facing the south. Facing the direction of the people I wanted to protect.

Ingredients:

Charged water (I used storm water*)

Charged crystal (I used my fluorite point for the reason that it often amplifies my emotions*)

Needle

Black thread

Orange paper**

Purple paper**

Stick of charcoal (for drawing)

Sigil of protection

Sigil to hex the oppressors

Sachet of protection powder***

Music to increase emotion**** (optional, to be played during both halves of the ritual)

Note: both of the sigils that I used will be shown below

I started when I heard whispers from the witchblr community members that I follow about the full moon being used to help the protesters. That day there was a storm where I live so I was already collecting storm water, but I made sure to separate some for the specific intent of using it on the full moon.

Friday night, I gathered my ingredients and created a sigil for protecting the protesters. I am aware that the eclipse would likely have a negative effect on most protection spells, but the spell I used was one that I created and use without the power of the full moon more often than not. The power of the spell comes entirely from a sacrifice I make for it, which I will explain in more detail later.

Take the storm water, the sigil of protection and the protection powder.

Meditate on the sigil to charge it.

Take a pinch of the powder (A Pinch. You don't need more than that!!!) and sprinkle it in the water.

Swirl the water clockwise 3 times to increase the power of the powder while mixing it in (I had the water in a small Mason jar with a lid so I could swirl it in large movements to incorporate the powder properly without spilling)

Take your right index finger and dip it in the water

Drip 3 drops onto the paper with the sigil

Meditate on the sigil again, focusing on the power of the water sinking into the lines of the sigil

Drink the water with the protection powder to cast the spell

Fold the paper with the sigil on it 3 times, being careful not to rip the wet paper, and leave it in a window or outside until daylight.

Note: the protection powder tastes Bad. Really really really bad. This is why a pinch is more than enough. I usually keep something around to wash the taste out of my mouth when everything is all said and done. This time I used hibiscus water, but usually I use tea.

And that's all there is to the first part of the ritual. Really that can be done at anytime for anyone as long as you have a sigil that corresponds with them.

The next part of this was the part where I actually drew upon the power of the moon.

Take the other sigil, the needle and black thread, and the charged crystal.

Meditate with the crystal in your dominant hand and the hexing sigil in your other focusing on the power that the crystal is feeding into you and pushing it out with your intent through the sigil in order to truly focus the energy you're sending out.

Tear the paper with the sigil on it in until it is in small pieces. As you rend it apart, feel the fire of your anger and the anger of all those fighting for this cause and send it out into the world with every tear in the paper.

Using the needle and the black thread, pierce the center of every piece of the paper until they are all strung up.

Bring all of the pieces together on the string and wrap the thread around the 3 times

Tie a knot in the thread.

Wrap the thread and tie the knot 2 more times.

Cut the thread and cast away the bundle of thread and paper however you see fit (burning, burying, tossing in the trash. whatever works for you)

And that’s that on that. I began my work at midnight on the full moon and when I was finished I was exhausted. I had a headache and my hands were shaking and I just wanted to crawl into my bed so much that I almost forgot to ground myself at the end which would have made everything so much worse the next time I woke. If I were to do it again, and I probably will, I’d make sure to give myself some time in between spells, which I did not in this case. In fact, I’d suggest that if you were to attempt something similar to this you should do them completely separately. However, due to that fact that the moon was in Gemini it felt right for me to complete two spells during it.

And now onto the notes.

*In regards to my choices of charged water and crystal, I have to note that I base my practice by what feels right at the moment. I’ve gone into spells with something in my hand that, by the time I get around to using it during the casting process, it no longer feels like the right tool/ingredient to use and I have gone to find what does feel right, or at least what feels best. The use of storm water has to due with how the chaos and anger that comes from the people on the front lines of this movement feels to me like a storm overhead. They were patient and they brewed this storm for centuries, waiting for us to notice it and do something to lessen the blow that it would cause. But eventually, as all storm must, the thunder rang out and the sweeping gales of wind told everyone just what was going on. Storm water, for this particular variation of my protection spell, seemed very appropriate. I used my fluorite point because whenever I’m working a particularly emotional spell, whether it is my emotion or someone else’s, I use this crystal because it amplifies what I’m feeling and it gives that emotion power.

Also this is my fluorite point.

**As most will suspect, the colors of the paper do signify different things, but if you don’t just happen to have colored paper hanging around white paper would work too. Again this was something that I just figured felt right at the time. I used the purple paper for the protection sigil. Purple, to me, is a regal color that signifies wisdom, power and good fortune. I used the orange paper for the hexing sigil because orange is the most infuriating and aggressive color I could think of (psychologically speaking the color orange is the most likely to send a person into a fit of rage).

***Alright, so for most of the above I have been rather vague when it comes to the protection powder, but that’s because it is a recipe of my own creation that I have reliably used for a couple of years now and I’m proud of it. It was one of the first things I ever did when I started my craft and I haven’t ever felt like something that I should spread to the masses. Now, however, I don’t feel that same hesitation when it comes to giving the recipe so here it is.

1 part garlic powder

1 part cumin

2 parts cinnamon

1 park Himalayan pink salt

1 sprig of cedar, dried and crushed as small as you can make it

When I first made this recipe, I didn’t do anything with it besides mix it all together and put it in a small velvet bag that I got with an old pair of headphones. I soon learned that just mixing together a couple of spices doesn’t exactly create a protection spell and thought it a failure. right as I was about to tear the page with the recipe from my spell book, I decided to meditate on it for a while. That night, I took the little bag with the powder into both of my hands and began to meditate. When I came out of it, I realized that 4 hours had passed by and I could feel the energy from the powder in the bag. So, to make long stories short, you have to key this powder to yourself first. Since then, I have used it as a protection for others by using the same powder that I mixed a couple of years ago that has protected me for that long. I take some of that powder and, using the charged water, I key it to the other that I want to protect, and then by drinking the water I am sacrificing the strength of my protection spell in order to cast one on someone else. This is why I didn’t see an issue doing this spell during the eclipse, which I have read can be a force of undoing. I had no issue casting a hex during the eclipse because I wanted to see the undoing of those that I was trying to hex, but the protection spell will not fail because I didn’t pull on the power of the moon.

****Yes, I listen to music while I work. On the night of the full moon, I was listening to Freedom by Beyoncé ft. Kendrick Lamar on repeat during the whole shebang. When I work, I am incredibly focused, so much that even the slightest disturbance to my balance will send the whole spell crashing down at my feet. If I were to work in silence, a single pin drop could cause me to lose focus and the spell could go awry. So, usually I will put on a single song that reflects the work that I am doing. Either that or I go to ambient-mixer.com and find some background sounds that I can customize and put on for myself. I chose the particular song that I did because both artists are POC angd it sends a message that aligns with the intent of both of these spells.

Sigil of Protection

This one I created myself.

Hexing Sigil

This one I did not create myself. The wonderful ceramyn here on tumblr created it, so this is me crediting her work.

#witchcraft #witches for black lives matter #witches for blm #spells #sigil magic #sigils

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vnshkk · 5 years

Text

Let's talk about Kyo's media blackout.

It is with a slight reluctance that I post this. It's not wise to mention Tanuki online nor share what they talk about within the overseas fandom for a multiple of reasons.

1. I don't want them to get angry at me

2. I don't want the overseas fandom to flip out and judge the Japanese fandom

3. I just want everyone to be chill and happy and flowers

But I've seen a lot of people freaking out, a lot of random theories floating around and people worrying so I wanted to post this theory and open it for discussion.

Of course this isn't fact. It's pure speculation. But given the timeframe, PERSONALLY I feel like this may have had something to do with Kyo decision.

So I post this with two DISCLAIMERs.

1. As mentioned this is not in any way fact. There is no proof that Kyo does or doesn't look at Tank. I simply find it interesting the sequence of events, the timing of the media blackout and I am only translating this for those who are interested. I hope this doesn't cause any huge arguments or any bad blood. It's simple here to discuss and consider.

2. Please do not judge the whole fandom based on Tank. Just like any forum, any comment section on the world wide web; there will be people who leave negative feed back. It is a tiny portion of people and not a reflection of the Japanese fandom as a whole. Judging them based on what they said would be like someone looking at negative comments or sarcastic jokes on Tumblr and judging the English speaking fandom. That's not to say what they post is okay, but it's just dumb shit posting and shouldn't be taken to heart.

you get me fam?

Okay, so I contemplated posting screenshots and translating what happened immediately after Kyo changed his profile picture up to when he deleted everything but as I said I don't want to be taken out by angry tank users so I'm just gonna translate a selection of posts.

These posts are taken from the Meg thread (remember the girl linking arms with him at a concert? That's Meg.) which to be honest is a shit show. It was a thread born from those notorious pics and for over a year now has remained a place where people post rumours, shit talk, complain and just make shit up a lot of the time. So please, AGAIN, bare that in mind. It is a place of negativity born from a scandal that shocked a lot of the fandom. Aint nothing nice ever gonna be said there. Periodt. In reality a lot of the people who post there are still fans of Kyo. I think they're just still a little hurt by the way it came to light about Meg.

After Kyo posted his new picture I checked tank before going to bed because I was curious about what their reactions would be and everyone had exploded. During the 7 hours I was asleep Kyo deleted everything and left the internet forever so tbh given the fact he was probably bored in a hotel in Fukuoka, just did a radio show, probs wanted to see peoples reaction, etc I personally, believe he was on Tank. This is a running theme in the thread itself and people often say he actively browses it (this is not a major thing, a lot of guys in bands browse tank same as celebs browse twitter. Why Kyo would look at the meg thread in particular? idk. )

SO TLDR

Yesterday around 7pm the thread suddenly changed to mixed reactions after Kyo changed his Twitter pic.

"His new twitter icon had me shook lol"

"I hope he changes his instagram one too"

"Idk I don't like how quickly he's become some kind of social media old fogey"

"Kyo's turned into a social media monster too" (*edit; my bad Yuchi is beer monster, Shinya is social media monster lol)

"It's kinda cheap"

"I get you, it's like he's lost his values" (probably because Kyo has always made big deal about how much of himself he shares)

It continued like that for a while with people more or less saying the same thing until he posts about leaving social media.

"He just suddenly said he's not gonna do social media anymore"

"lol after he went to all the effort of changing his profile picture"

"I'm shook"

"annoying 40 year old nut job"

"Bet you he came on here"

"Do you normally change you icon then quit"

"Join Kyo online"

"idg why even though Kyo's had so many haters since he first started twitter he's suddenly affected by it??"

"I still think he's cute even when he's sulking like this lol"

"I knew he was looking at Tanuki"

"I don't get why he's suddenly deleting it after all this time?? It's like what is this old man on about?"

"It's lame how he's making such a big deal of out saying he's quitting"

(lots of people agreed with this post saying that he's acting childish)

"I wonder what happened? Like everything seemed fine recently. I mean we'll never know but like I'm sure he has a lot going on.."

"I can't believe he basically wiped his instagram clean but left all the pics of cake and omurice lmao"

"If only he'd go to sleep earlier and eat a banana the serotonin would fix everything"

The random comments and mixed reactions continued for all of Friday. One of the main points that stuck out after the initial reactions was how people began to become suspicious that this was merely a tactic to get people to join Kyo online with people claiming this was typical of business man kyo, that it was about that time of year where they usually begin to advertise and promote in order to get new members.

So, allow me to play devils advocate for a second. As someone who is a member of Kyo online I have to admit since he started posting more and more online (compared to hardly ever on Kyo online), the membership has become more or less invalid. In the past it was worth the money for the videos and pictures that as fans we rarely saw. But if he's going to post them online then it raises the question (tickets to concerts aside) is there any point in being a member if you can just get the content for free? I'd imagine that this plays some kind of role in why the reactions are often negative. Members of Kyo online have suddenly gone from having something exclusive that was only for them, to simply being a part of something anyone can access.

Another point someone brought up is that whilst it's acceptable for Kyo to be upset. It is very, very childish and the timing is selfish. Sukekiyo literally made their instagram days ago and suddenly Kyo states how he isn't going to post online anymore. This act instantly casts a negative feel on Sukekiyo's insta. It almost gives a vibe that any picture Kyo is in might be "against his will". Kyo is not new to criticism. He's been in this game for 20 plus years. Everyone who is in the Indies scene knows about Tank. Every fan, every bandmen, knows it's a bad place filled with mostly shit posting and rumours and doesn't represent fans a whole.

The meg thread is simply fans flogging a dead horse, posting any poor Japanese girl with a straight fringe and some tattoos, anyone who looks even a little like Meg and saying she MUST be a groupie of Kyo. Which begs the question why would Kyo go there? Why would he look at that? Why would he want to subject himself to that kind of thing and then punish the majority for some dumb comments a few bored fans made? What was he expecting by going there?

Of course there is no proof Kyo lurks. But the reality is he probably does, I mean he's only human, he' s bound to be curious about fans reactions for Madara, etc and where else to get honestly reactions than an anonymous forum? Personally, as someone who has lurked tank for a few years now, I think he reads it. There have been times in the past where he's mentioned certain things, done certain things and I've thought "hmmm that's weird tank was literally talking about that". But once again there's no proof. It's just one of those vibes you get sometimes. (one major one I can think of is during the interview for mode of gauze where he said everyone massively complained about it. I know people can submit questionnaires after lives but I feel that a lot of Japanese people are more brutally honest when they can hide behind anonymity. )

Considering the "staff" posted a pic of his feet on the sukekiyo instagram today, I feel like this is just Kyo being (sorry to say) butthurt and it might just blow over. A lot of the comments mention his age, mention how he's clearly trying and failing to copy 20 year olds by using insta, that he's lame or cringe and that's gonna hurt anyones pride. But I honestly think Kyo should be looking at the billions of comments on instagram of people who love him rather than a few trolls online.

So with that being said I hope this was an interesting read and gave a little insight into why Kyo is often private. It was a big deal that he was posting so much and actively using instagra. I for one was very happy. I believe that in this day and age it is something that is required in order to engage with your audience and keep a good relationship. Hazuki and Ruki are good examples of this and Ive been saying for the longest time I wish Kyo would get more on board with it. So it's a shame he's left at the first hurdle.

Oh well. This is why we can't have anything nice isn't it.

#Kyo #dir en grey #instagram #translation #sukekiyo #drama I don't like drama why can't we all just be chill #remember this isn't fact its just my theory

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hollyhomburg · 5 years

Note

Uhhh.... could you explain the drama with halsey? Cause ever since the comeback every where I turn it's been nothing but good things so I wanna know what its like from your perspective. No hate or anything I'm just curious since you know I haven't seen the drama

Well shit- this is long- but do with it what you will- this is how i took everything that went down/ everything i saw on twitter in the last few weeks as well as the actual events that took place:

if you say i made this shit up- i swear, people act like they’re privy to the millions of tweets that are made every day; also before you say my timeline is negative because im negative (like others on anon have) i only follow the people on here who have followed me on twitter + fan artists.

from my perspective- the collab made a lot of sense, both from a business, Social, and temporal standpoint.

bts and halsey have had interactions on social media on and off from 2017 (the first year they won top social artist, was also the same year that halsey performed “now or never” at the bbma’s). the two groups appear to be friends. and generally- halsey was cool with them and rm and her seem to have a genuine friendship.

from a business standpoint, Halsey is also a top charting western artist. She has quite a few records on billboard under her belt, a few singles that have charted at number 1 for a few weeks. which is one of the very few things that bts hasn’t been able to accomplish (though I think everyone knows they’re close, they’ve had a few top tens)

the decision to collab makes sense from a business and social standpoint. army’s are familiar with halsey’s presence in bts lives (weather or not they agree with it or not depends on which side of the fandom you’re on) which is why no one was really surprised i think when they announced it. hell i was happy- because out of all of the western artists they could collab with i think that halsey gives them the best chance at that #1 slot on the billboard hot 100 that they’ve been aiming for for so so long, and more than anything i want them all to get that.

Some people where displeased with the collab, which was to be expected- alot of people were mad about the Niki minaj collab on idol, but the blow was lessened because there where 2 versions of the mv and they could effectively ignore niki if they wanted to, or appreciate it (like i did)

sometime around last week bighit’s official twitter started circulating the hashtag “officially our girl” right after the slight backlash of the video that halsey released with rm and her doing their handshake (which was cute- cuz he finally got the handshake he deserved). The backlash wasn’t directed at the handshake itself but at the fact that you can clearly see Jimin guiding one of the staff away from the camera. since the video was posted by halsey, alot of people were angry that she apparently didn’t respect bts’s staff enough, and had unintentionally put one of them in danger (since bts staff members can loose their jobs if they’re recognized because of crazy fans swarming them). to many people- this showed a lack of understanding on halsey’s part.

The “officially our girl” hashtag was the first thing that gave me pause. Up until that point id been a little ehh about the collab. since im a fan of bts and not a fan of halsey, but generally like I said before- if it’s going to be anyone- have it be halsey, because she’s the most accessible and logical choice for them to collab with at the moment.

But to me the officially our girl hashtag was going a little too far. our boy’s are our boys, and halsey is not our girl as far as im concerned. because im a fan of bts and not halsey, and this feels like bighit was trying to force those of us that felt lukewarm about halsey to accept her (in part to avoid the negative backlash becoming a scandal). (Let me remind you that the hashtag was released and circulated by bighit’s account, not Bts’s official twitter. bts has not endorsed the hashtag or liked it. only bighit).

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. bighit is trying to make us like halsey, when liking halsey and supporting the collab are not mutually exclusive nor collectively exhaustive cases.

Today’s re-release of the halsey boy with luv version has only done more to reinforce the idea to me that bighit is trying to lessen this divide by shoving the collab down our non-proverbial throats- when they should be taking a step back and trying to satisfy both sides of the fandom instead of alineating one further- the sides that are fans of both halsey and bts, and the side that is a fan of only bts.

This version was supposed to be a version for army- you know how much more new content army got that was purely bts? 43 seconds, i counted it. You know how many seconds of new halsey content there where in the “army with luv video? 44 seconds.

call me petty for counting the seconds, and you’d be fair, but if you say that a new video is for army, then make it be the content that all army’s want to see/hear. I know in some way this re-release has been to excite people about the bbma’s performance- and was probably not only to try and unite the fandom but i think we can all agree that army is bts’s fandom? and that the army with luv music video kind of missed that point when it had more new halsey content then bts content.

That is my take on the whole situation- i will like to remind people that this is my opinion on what happened (with some facts) these are my feelings on the situation. This is why i have an issue with it. disagree with me one way or another, we will both still love bts in the end the same amount.

People will probably say that i think this way because i am jealous, and that i want bts to stay these little pure undateing idols (ie: a fictional and unrealistic idea that idols will be anything other than people, who love and feel and are owed what the rest of us have) and think i feel this way because i’m a possessive crazy fan who wants and believes that one day I will date bts- which is ridiculous- this disagreement is not about that- in reality I hope that bts are all getting the kind of love that they sing about on the daily and in private. If there is anyone that deserves to be loved it is them. In the end- we will never know what their private life is like and im thankful for that and im glad that they’ve made friends in western music enough to collab and feel welcomed.

what i would have wanted from the collab: Halsey and bts to do their collab but remain separate entities, pacifying those who like bts but not halsey and sating our collective desire to have bts receive the recognition they are due from the media (both western and not), featuring her in the music video, and performing on the bbma’s stage.

things that contradict this: bighit releasing the “officially our girl hashtag” and releasing a music video that is supposed to be for armies that has more new halsey content in it than bts content (though irl it’s only one second- but if it was really for armies then bigshit would have emphasized bts over halsey- because armies are bts’s fandom)

regardless of the video and bigshit’s behavior, i will enjoy bts’s bbma’s performance with halsey- because it’s damn time for them to return to the award show stage here. and they deserve it. both of them.

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sol1056 · 5 years

Note

Can you explain why LGBT representation is so important and why Voltron's negative portrayal of LGBT characters/rep should be scorned as harshly as it has been? I'm trying to prove a point to a friend and they don't get why representation has to be as important as we're making it.

Oh, this is a huge topic, and one I’m not sure I could do justice to, all by myself. Given that, this time I’ll let people speak for themselves. Anyone else reading (and I know a whole lot of you are out there) who’ve valued representation – regardless as to whether you relate to the character as a lived experience – feel free to add your thoughts, or links to any other articles, podcasts, or videos you’re recommend.

Fabricio Leal Cogo, Why Queer Representation Matters

I remember growing up here in Brazil and not seeing anyone like me portrayed on TV—or at least, not anyone with a similarly complex inner life. The few times I saw gays on TV, they were always a punchline in a comedy—a source of laughter. Many people, I’m sure, are probably thinking: It’s just a joke, right?

But representation matters.

It’s impossible to overstate the power of being able to identify with a public figure, particularly when that figure is actually seen in the fullest sense. As Michael Morgan, a former professor emeritus at the University of Massachusetts at Amherst and a researcher on media effects, told the Huffington Post earlier this year, “When you don’t see people like yourself, the message is: You’re invisible. The message is: You don’t count. And the message is: ‘There’s something wrong with me.’” He continued: “Over and over and over, week after week, month after month, year after year, it sends a very clear message, not only to members of those groups, but to members of other groups, as well.”

Uma Dodd, Queerbaiting And The Issue Of LGBT Representation In The Media:

Of the 125 movies released by major US studios in 2016, the media monitoring organisation GLAAD found that only 23 (18.4%) contained characters who identified as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or queer – an increase of less than 1% from the previous year. … It’s insulting, and often quite disheartening, to be told that you’re only worth the three lines of dialogue and five minutes of screen time that the one LGBT character in a film might have, just because of your sexuality or gender.

Queerbaiting relies solely on subtext and the subsequent interpretation of it by fans, and as a result, creates the perfect paradox: writers are able to attract an LGBT audience with vague promises of representation, implied by the text and often encouraged by the writer, but will then never actually confirm or explicitly show said representation, reducing the amount of effort that has to be put in on their part.

You may say that I’m blowing this issue out of proportion, but that too, is a part of the problem. Because queerbaiting is based on purely subtextual hints, any evidence of it, no matter how blatant it might seem to the viewer/reader, is often insubstantial and difficult to quantify. This allows writers and cast members to dismiss the anger of LGBT fans as simple overreaction and, as a result, makes any legitimate pleas for better representation easier to ignore.

Another by-product that has resulted out of increasing calls for better LGBT representation is implied representation. This is where writers will claim that a character is LGBT but never explicitly show this within the TV show, film, or novel. This is a method which has been employed by many creators of famous franchises, and it allows them to insert that token bit of representation which makes them look good, without ever actually providing said representation explicitly … Not only does this result in LGBT characters, once again, being shoved into the background – and often killed off for shock value – it raises the question: is this kind of representation good enough?

…Whilst any representation of non-heteronormative characters is a good start, this way of representing us can’t be allowed to become the norm – we deserve to be explicitly shown in the media as much as anyone else does. We need better representation and we need to be shown that not all LGBT characters have to remain in the closet, because what kind of a message is that sending to those young people out there who are currently questioning their sexuality?

B. Whiteside, 6 Reasons It’s Important to Have LGBT Characters on Children’s TV Shows:

A recent study by the Williams Institute at UCLA revealed that nearly 6 million adults and children have an LGBT parent. There are more than 125,000 same-sex couple households with nearly 220,000 children under the age 18. These children go to school and are active members of their communities. Their identities and home life deserve to be portrayed and represented just as much as anyone else’s.

Being a child can be tough, especially when one can’t identify with anyone around them. There are children and young adults alike who identify as LGBT or have parents who do so. Having content that mirrors their lives can, in fact, save their own. It isn’t always easy for children to articulate what’s wrong or what they need. So it can be a tremendous help to see their favorite character in their same predicament live out their life and truth.

Aristeaus Sizer, We Need To Talk About LGBT Representation, Apparently:

…since Cinderella, there have been 11 Disney princesses. All of which have been heterosexual, and the majority of them married by the end of their film. There is no shortage of straight princesses in this world, so why would it be such a crime for one of them to be LGBTQ? If anyone is forcing any agenda down anybody’s throats, Mary, it is you and your heteronormative agenda.

As a heterosexual, and I don’t mean to patronise here it’s simply the truth, you cannot understand in full capacity how important representation is. Seeing yourself on screen in a genuine, non-caricature form is hugely validating. When I was a kid I thought being gay was like doing drugs, it was a fun choice you made when you wanted to spice things up, and that all came from the films I had seen and how sordid LGBTQ people were portrayed as being. Then, later on into my teenage years, I thought I’d never be able to show public displays of affection without violent repercussion. Again, this was because of the media I had consumed telling me this. Films and media may not dictate our personalities, but they tell us how much of it we should hide, and the implicit message when you have an entire franchise of heterosexuals is that anything other should be kept underground, out of sight.

…we’ve been everywhere for so long you’ve just never noticed. Primarily because every movie and every advert and every t.v show and every animated cartoon is packed to the brim with straight people. LGBTQ people deserve representation because there’s far more of us than you think. … To you, it’s just a gay Disney princess where there could have been another straight one, but to someone that princess is the validation they needed that they aren’t some abomination or sinful mistake. They’re valid, they’re wonderful, and they have every right to love and be loved.

Danielle Cox, The Importance of LGBT Representation in Media:

[In 2016, GLAAD’s annual] shows the highest percentage of LGBT characters on our televisions … [but] when more than twenty-five of those characters are killed off in the same year, we know there is still a lot of work to be done. In fact, GLAAD President and CEO Sarah Kate Ellis released a statement saying, “When the most repeated ending for a queer woman is violent death, producers must do better to question the reason for a character’s demise and what they are really communicating to the audience.” When this ending is repeated in show after show and character after character, we can’t help but think the message they are sending is about the worth of our LGBT characters or rather lack thereof.

James Dawson, The importance of LGBT visibility in children’s books:

I was unaware gay people even existed and, when puberty hit, found myself more than a little lost. I so dearly wish there had been just one book with a character who was a bit like me – just a normal teenage guy who happened to be gay. I would have especially loved one whose sexuality did not define him.

I just know that had there been a diverse range of people like me in books when I was growing up, I wouldn’t have felt abnormal for all those years, which I see now, overwhelmingly, I am not. In 2014, it’s my hope that all young LGBT people can see themselves in fiction and recognise there is a place for them in the world.

Palmer Haasch, “Yuri!!! On Ice” and the importance of positive LGBTQ representation:

Despite my resigned certainty that I was about to be drawn in by the potential of a queer relationship only to be disappointed for the umpteenth time, Yuri!!! On Ice managed to exceed all of my expectations. In the end, the show delivered a thoughtful portrayal of two men developing a deep and trusting romantic relationship that provides LGBTQ viewers with representation of queer individuals being happy together above all else, which is something that we desperately need.

For me, it was the first piece of entertainment media I had seen that didn’t present queer individuals as “other,” but allowed them to simply freely love and exist. While watching, I didn’t have to worry about whether Yuuri or Victor would be outed in an unsafe environment or if Yuuri was going to be unfairly judged on the ice because of his sexuality like so many real life figure skaters have feared in the past. Rather, I fretted over when they were finally going to kiss (because really, it was a long time coming) and if I was ever going to get to see the wedding that was hinted at by their matching gold rings.

Although it is true that the discrimination-free world of Yuri!!! On Ice isn’t realistic (yet), it can help reassure queer individuals like me that they can experience love in the same way as anyone else. At the same time, it provides a glimpse of a future where being queer doesn’t mean being “other”. And that notion is something that I will always work towards and protect.

Additional reading:

Why Visibility Matters

Make Them Gay: Why Queer Representation Matters

Why LGBT Representation Is Important In Media

We Need More Than Visibility

Why It’s Important To Make More Diverse LGBT Films

Queer Representation in the Media

Why Television Needs More LGBT Characters

Importance of LGBT Representation

#queer media #lgbtqia+#representation

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rogertaylorskillerqueen · 5 years

Text

Bohemian Rhapsody - Ben Hardy/ Roger Taylor fic [Chapter 2]

A/N: I did not go writing this referencing by the years but mostly the events that had happened in Queen and the movie, Bohemian Rhapsody not in a particular order. I hope you enjoy as much as I enjoyed writing it.

INTRODUCTION: Roger Taylor, the famous drummer of Queen won a lot of hearts as he performed several gigs along with his bandmates, Freddie, Brian and John. His playboy self slowly vanishing as he meets the girl of his dreams but what happens when their dreams after marriage takes a toll with fame and publicity?

________________________________________________________

Chapter Two:

“How long did you say you have been getting sick for?” Mary asks placing a glass of water at the coffee table. “Like for um, about a week.” I say. “And you went to the doctors today?” She asks. “Uh, I thought about it.” I say pausing. Not really wanting to tell her what happened. “So you are pregnant?” She asks. I sigh reaching towards the coffee table to grab the glass of water. “I’ll take that as a yes.” She says with a smile. Clearly excited. I had picked up the telephone to call to make an appointment in the morning but Roger’s sleepy voice calling to me made me change my mind. A pregnancy test was taken and it had shown as positive. Two tests to be exact.

“Are we talking about a baby here?” I hear Freddie’s voice come through as his whole body came into view. “Freddie?! What are you doing here. The boys are out.” I say with a frown. “I live here. They went to the pub. Who goes to the pub at 2 in the afternoon.” He says filling himself a glass of wine as me and Mary look at each other. “Promise me you won’t tell anyone about this.” I say. “Sure, darling but you really have to tell Rog.” He says. “I can’t. Not now.” I say with tears in my eyes. “Why not?” Mary asks. “This baby would be too much on him. The band. With the tours and everything and I can’t take care of a baby on my own.” I say crying. Mary hugs me to calm me down. Freddie nods his head understanding.

The sudden noise coming from the swing of the door turn our heads around to see the boys barge in. I quickly wipe away my tears with a tissue Freddie has passed quick enough for anyone to notice. “Oh, c’mon in. Make yourselves at home.” Freddie says placing his glass on the small tray. “Oh Y/n, you are here too. Good.” Roger says hovering down to my level leaving a soft kiss on my forehead before walking to the glasses. “Hello Mary. How’s your dad?” Brian asks taking a seat with John by the sofa near the window as he tries to open up a wine bottle. “What’s going on, Brian?” Freddie asks taking a seat next to me. “If you’d have answered your phone you’d have known already.” Brian says looking towards us. “This really isn’t a good time guys.” Freddie says as I lower my head to wipe away a tear. “Love, are you crying?” Roger asks. “No, something fell in my eye. It’s fine now.” I lie. “What were you saying, Brian?” I ask changing the topic. “John Reid called today. He has a little tour in his mind for us.” “It’s not little, Brian. He has booked us a tour of America. The album hit the charts in the US!” Roger says excited as he held several wine glasses in both hands.

“Oh yes!!” Freddie says getting up as they all jumped in a group hug.

I slowly sink down deeper into the sofa trying to hold back the tears. America? That’s so far away. I think. Freddie’s smile faded after seeing me. “Let’s go out to celebrate!” He says turning towards the boys. “We got a fine bottle of wine here.” Brian says pouring down to the glasses as Roger places them on the coffee table. “Uh, no. I actually had a glass earlier.” I lie as Brian held the glass towards me. “Actually we were just about to leave to go shopping.” Mary says looking at me. I nod my head looking towards the boys. “I was supposed to join them too.” Freddie says with the sound of his glass hitting the coffee table. The boys looking at him. “No you weren’t.” Mary and I both say closing the door behind us.

It’s been a month and a half since the boys left to America. “Let’s hope they don’t put that in the front page.” Mary says as we sat at a small cafe having lunch. She had accompanied me to the doctors as I was scared to go alone. “The wind had to blow away my hat.” I say with a frown. Mary chuckled. She has been there taking care of me and the baby. Constantly updating Freddie about me and him watching over Roger to make sure he didn’t do anything stupid.

“They are going to be back in three weeks. You are 3 months already and very noticeable. You have to tell Roger, dear.” Mary says. I bite my lip with the thought of it. “What if he gets mad and leaves?” I ask. “Stupid of you to think that. Freddie will be there to talk to him.” She says assuring me everything would be okay.

It's been two months since the boys went on their very first tour in America but now, that long wait is over and they are coming back home soon. Freddie had called me earlier saying they had to drop by the studio first before coming home and had asked if I could come over to join them for drinks. A mini celebration with the end of their tour. That's the life being married to a band member. Touring all year long and joining them on their celebrations until they leave again within the next few months. “That’s a terrible idea.” I said but he insisted that I go.

With much hesitation he had forced me to go but I had a good reason but knowing that I could never hide it scared me even more. What could be going on in his head. Like usual, Taylor did not send a text as he was coming back making me get negative thoughts.

Pacing around the living room panicking I tried to see if I can access to any social networks. Two days ago the press had taken pictures of me leaving the hospital and all thanks to the wind blowing off my disguised hat the press had to crowd around me. Before leaving for tour, Roger had blocked all social media access for me knowing how it could put me down terribly. Is he not calling me because he is mad and doesn't want to see me anymore after seeing the pictures maybe?

The sudden noise from my phone made me jump. "Hello?" I answer. "Y/n, um, could you come over now? I'll send Mary to get you." I hear Freddie say. "No. It's okay. I can go." I say. "Are you okay. You sound panicked." He says with worry. "Um, yeah. Freddie, could you maybe meet me on the hallway first?" I ask knowing that I have to tell Roger about his baby and my visible small baby bump of 3 months. "Yeah sure. I'll see you in an hour then?" He asks. "Yeah." I say hanging up.

Finding out about the unplanned pregnancy just a few days before their tour was not the plan. They all were really excited about the tour and this wasn't news that was to be said over a phone call over an ocean apart. I frown at all the clothes I had put on that showed up the baby bump forming. Deciding to go with a black dress with my messy hair in a bun accessorised with one of Roger's bandanas, I smile at the outfit I put on but it soon turned into a frown.

After about an hour I reach their studio and walk the quiet hallways to their hanging out room. I spot John walking towards the room in front of me. I whisper shout his name. "Freddie!!" With my soft voice echoing through he turned around with excitement in his eyes walking towards me but soon it got glued to my belly with his mouth open. "Y/n you- you-" he stutters. Not being able to cope with his reaction I begin to cry. "Hey hey. Why you crying? I didn't say it to scare you. What's the matter?" He asks wiping off the tears after a quick hug.

"Roger still doesn't know." I manage to say. "Why not?” He asks. "I didn't want to put any pressure on him or the band." I say feeling so disappointed in myself. "He won't be mad at you." Freddie says assuring me. A sudden loud bang from inside the room made us look towards the slightly open door. Another crash followed by a screaming Roger.

-Roger's P.O.V-

I get up from my seat furiously throwing away my drumsticks towards the door. "Roger. Calm down." John says. "What's going on?" Brian asks. "Have you seen these?" I ask handing the newspaper towards them with pictures of the press crowding around Y/n. "She looks different." Brian comments. "What do you mean different? She is all panicked." I say clenching my fists. "No. I mean, she looks pregnant." Brian says again making me take another look at the black and white pictures. He was right. Y/n do look pregnant. "I'm gonna go get some air." I say getting up.

-Y/n's P.O.V-

Freddie kept on trying to calm me down but the small hallway was making me all claustrophobic.

"Y/n?" I hear a familiar voice say my name. Looking up with my teary eyes and tear soaked face, I see Roger standing just a few feet from us. His eyes fell on my belly before he storms off in the other direction towards another exit. I burst out crying telling Freddie to send me home. "Just stay here with us till you calm down and settle things with Roger. It's going to be okay. Just breath." He says.

"What's going on out here?" We hear John say followed by Brian's voice, "See, she really is pregnant." He says. With everything happening so fast I begin to feel lightheaded and soft voices of my name being called as my vision turned black.

"Love?" I hear someone's voice as a wet cloth touched my forehead. Slowly opening my eyes I see Roger sitting next to me. The rest of the members were nowhere to be seen. "Where are the others?" I ask making myself sit on the sofa. "They all went for drinks." He says. "Why didn't you go?" I ask. "I wanted to stay." He says making me teary. "Hey, sshh. I'm sorry about earlier." He says hugging me. "I was just mad at the press for doing that to you and I got mad at myself for not being there to protect you." He says kissing my forehead. I left soft sobs over his shoulder as he caressed by back. "I thought you were mad at me. You didn't even call me to tell me you were coming home." I say in between sobs. "I thought of just appearing at the door step and surprising you. I'm sorry dear." He says kissing my forehead.

Chapter 3

[TAG LIST: @rogerbuttersmyeggroll @hayley8089 ]

#queen #roger taylor #brian may #freddie mercury #bohemian rhapsody #john deacon #ben hardy #bohemian rhapsody movie #bohemian rhapsody imagine #queen imagines #ben hardy imagines #roger taylor imagines #roger taylor ben hardy imagines #roger taylor ben hardy #joe mazzello #rami malek #gwilym lee

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wonderlandmind4 · 6 years

Text

Delicate Stages: Chp 8

Pairings: Bucky Barnes x OFC Ana Rios

Summary: Bucky Barnes agrees to participate in Deprogramming Sessions. What he gets is not anything like he expected.

Warnings: Language, mentions of anxiety/panic attacks, mild PTSD. Self doubt/loathing. an over use of coffee consumption

Words: 2.8k+

A/N: it’s 2:30am when I edited this..also, we are all Ana. Just saying. Enjoy :) @justreadingfics @nerdyandproud9

Despite the talking sessions, Ana doing everything she can to coach Bucky through it, she still sees his self doubt like it’s tattooed on his skin. She notices the signs whenever he begins to fall into a self loathing spiral. It dampens the blue of his eyes, ashens his smile, always tucking his left arm closer to his body, the metal plates clicking to lock against his side. Ana sees it all, and she can never help her heart aching for him. There are times when Bucky sits on her right, arms brushing once in a while, when he abruptly leans away, his arm glued to his side.

Ana doesn't comment on it. Instead, she continues to focus on redirecting Bucky's anxiety onto other things. She pulls out a few blank notebooks and a coloring book, which earns her a bewildered look from Bucky. Once she explains that coloring can help focus the mind, they end up coloring half of the book. All the while Ana ignores the glances being thrown her way from the guards, and Agents surrounding them.

They're getting antsy, impatient, though Ana refuses to start the first step into the Deprogramming. Not until Bucky is confident enough he can get through it without a panic attack. Earning an ounce of his trust took more than a few days. Earning half of it took more than a few weeks. She will do it when he's ready.

Two days later, Bucky has a bad day. He informs Ana of his vivid nightmare, how it took nearly an hour to calm himself down. How it took an hour for him to decipher what was real in front of him, and not haunting the shadows of his brain. Ana advises the next time it happens, he is welcomed to find her for she is always willing to talk him through it anytime. She doesn't miss the way Bucky grips is left forearm with his right hand, keeping it close to his ribs.

It's how they end up on the roof again, quickly becoming their secluded spot the past few days and nights. In the observation lab, there are an abundance of people mulling about, doing their work tasks. There are guards who pretend they aren't keenly watching Bucky. Who pretend they aren't ready to pull their guns and shoot him if need be. She hates that.

Here, on the roof, it's just them. Their own peaceful little haven. Confessions can be made here, emotions can be shown, secrets can be uttered without being overheard. They are alone up here, and Bucky seems to open up just a tad more about the demons that haunt him at night.

"I think that's why I can't figure out what's real or not, because...I remember." Bucky ends up admitting as they lay on the floor.

Ana quietly observes him. He turns his face towards the night sky, hiding his expression like he's ashamed of his next words. His lips tremble briefly as the air thickens between them. Ana frowns.

“At least, in my dreams, I remember it. Subconsciously." He continues softly. "It was like I was trapped in this unbreakable glass box, helplessly watching. Do you have any idea what it's like to have no control over your body, over your own mind. Locked away so deeply, your screams can’t even reach the surface. You’re only somewhat aware of it, so at night, you lay there, wondering if it was all just a dream. Or if it wasn’t, and you’re left with knowing of the horrific things you’ve done.”

Bucky shoves his hands through his hair, briefly gripping the roots. “It doesn’t really matter in the end, because it was all me. I did it all. Do you have any idea what it's like for those memories to consume you, and when morning comes, you aren’t sure if you just woke from a nightmare, or stayed awake to relive it all. If it was real the whole time.”

A self-deprecating ghost of a chuckle emits from his mouth. A bitter, sad noise that shouldn't be leaving his lips. Ana spots a tear escaping the corner of his eye, racing down his temple and soaking into his long dark hair. Her fingers itch to wipe it away, but if she touches Bucky now, with how vulnerable he is, it could make or break the heavy energy surrounding them.

Ana is considered an emotional and psychological Healer, an Energy Alchemist; it doesn't mean she likes having to use her so called gift. She rarely does so outside of helping the Avengers. However, maybe if she reaches out, she could understand Bucky a little better. Maybe it can help in the healing process. Ana knows it's time to tell him. She just hopes he won't be angry for keeping it from him for a month.

"No, I don’t." She tells him softly, answering his rhetorical questions. "But I can. If you want me to."

Bucky turns his head to face her, eyes glistening in the soft orange light of the roof. "What?"

"I'm uh- something called an Empathetic Healer." Ana confesses nervously, rubbing her collarbone. "Also an Energy Alchemist, according to everyone around here. I just tamper it down, quite a bit actually. But if I wanted to, I can feel peoples emotions. I can sense the energy surrounding them, can transmute- morph- negative energy into positive energy, if you will. I just prefer not to do it often. Touch people with it, I mean, unless directly requested."

If Bucky is angry or upset about keeping this major part of herself a secret, he doesn't show it. Those sky blue eyes unreadable. His eyebrows twitch together.

"You manipulate peoples emotions and feelings."

It's not a question. It's a statement, one that needs to be corrected quickly, before Bucky misunderstands and takes it the wrong way. If he hasn't already. Ana shifts, leaning up on her elbows to look down at him. She vigorously shakes her head.

"Not at all!" She clarifies firmly. "I can't manipulate emotions or feelings. That is completely different. I don’t- I can’t control them and if I could, I would never do that to anyone. Especially you. Alright? Plus that's against people's rights and free will and a total invasion of privacy and that's absolutely horrible. Even if I could, I wouldn't, you know? That is not not me, not my protocol."

"Rambling seems to be." Bucky quips.

It takes a second for his words to sink in, all the while noticing the mischievous gleam in his eyes. Ana narrows her own, tugs at a strand of his hair before falling on her back again.

"You're a dick." She huffs while Bucky chuckles. "You scared me for a moment. I thought I really upset you."

"I'm sorry. I figured you had something else special about you though." Bucky responds, but that little chuckle is still coloring his voice. "Continue."

"I should just leave you out here. I hope it rains." The inky sky is clear of all clouds. She makes to sit up, a hand on her jacket pulls her back down.

"Stay, please."

It falls silent after that, a nice peace between them. The moon is directly above them, high in the sky, a faint halo of light surrounding it. Ana is trying to ignore how close Bucky's right hand is to her left. Can practically feel the heat radiating off his skin.

Ana attempts to keep it at bay, but the weighted energy between them is prickling at her skin. It's like it woke up the moment she confessed about it. She tries to just focus on the moon and the twinkling stars, instead of her heart rate kicking up a notch. It's Bucky who breaks the silence.

"I wouldn't mind if you wanted to." He begins, voice soft and reserved. "Though I'm not sure you should. These are the horrible, terrifying feelings."

"Then I won't."

"Maybe another time."

"Okay."

A beat passes. "Ana."

Ana turns her head towards him. Bucky appears...open. His expression clear of any haunted memories for the moment. His eyes are wide and trusting, and so so blue. It's ridiculous how they look like sapphires shinning against the bright light of the moon. He licks his lips and Ana can't help but track the movement, especially when his breath shudders.

"Bucky."

"I think I want you too. Before you ask, yes. I'm sure."

Ana sits up again, wiggles around until she's facing him as he follows. She blows out a breath, and ruffles her hand through her hair. Because laying on the hard wood flooring of the roof does wonders for knots. Before she can ask, Bucky holds his hand out, palm open and waiting.

"You won't feel anything, in case you were wondering. It doesn't amp up current emotions." Ana elaborates. "If I wanted to change your energy around from negative to positive, that's the only thing you'll feel. Be it bad or good or a sense of calm. I take on everything else. It helps me relate better to someone."

Bucky acknowledges the information with a dip of his chin. Allowing her eyes to shut, Ana mentally pulls down her walls where she usually blocks her gift, and feels energy rush through her veins. She gently places her hand in Bucky's, his skin a little calloused, but warm and somehow still soft. Nothing happens for a few moments, just the sound of their breathing throughout the night air.

Abruptly, a surge of emotions come crashing through her body, makes Ana gasp audibly. Her body immediately begins to tremble, wave after wave of chaotic emotions crash over her, but she doesn't pull away. She can feel Bucky tighten his fingers around her hand, as if he's trying to comfort her, because it's not enough for him to feel this everyday, he has to comfort her as well. She can't see any of his memories from the pass decades, but she starts to feel it all. Every single emotion.

Fear. Hurt. Anger. Relief. Pain. Confusion. Sadness. Torment. Hatred. Heartbreak. Fear, pain, anger, confusion. Fear, pain, anger, confusion. Torture. Fear, pain, anger, confusion. Loneliness. It all whirls around inside her heart in an anarchic flurry. It's nearly crippling, seizing around her heart, ensnaring her brain, attacking her soul.

"Enough!"

A hand is ripped away from hers and Ana's automatically press both of hers to her chest. Attempts to calm the storm that rages inside her. She's panting, just trying to steady her breathing. That was quite a lot to take in after keeping her gift dormant for a while. Usually, she just uses her energy alchemy to help Wanda after her nightmares of her brother, but this- this was too much too soon.

"Turn it off, Ana!"

She hears Bucky, but it takes five slow, deep breaths to do so. She nods her head to let him know it won't happen again. Ana slowly opens her eyes, finds Bucky extremely close to her face, concerned eyes searching her own. Exhaustion assaults her body, her eyes flutter in a fight to keep them open.

"I'm good." Ana assures him breathlessly.

Bucky frowns, moving his lips as if he wants to tisk at her. Instead, he brings both hands up to her face, gently cupping her cheeks, and she is way too fucking exhausted to figure out what that means. He swipes both his thumbs beneath her eyes, wet trails smearing across her skin.

"Is that why you're crying?" Bucky asks softly. He swipes his thumbs again. “Maybe that was a bad idea."

Ana attempts to move her head. The cool metal of his left hand feels good against her skin, but so does the warmth of his right hand. It's a rather serene contraindication. Bucky is a contraindication in many ways. It's getting harder to keep her eyes focused on his, blue, blue, so blue eyes. Some strands of his hair have fallen over his eye. Ana finds that rather rude of them to obscure her view.

So she lifts her hand and slowly pushes the long hair away from his face, her fingers running deeper. Ana brushes his hair back until her fingers follow the curve of his ear. Trails her touch down his neck, over his racing pulse, his slightly exposed collarbone, to the middle of his chest. Thinks that this might be her favorite spot on his chest, where she can feel this raw tortured yet gentle heart of this man yearning to be redeemed. She leans forward slightly, his hands still holding her face. She's too tired to pick up on the little hitch in Bucky's breath, and the quickened beat of his heart.

"I am so sorry, Bucky." Ana murmurs, another tear races down her cheek. "I am going to help you, because that's what friends do. I will help you."

And that's what was missing in all of his emotions. Friendship, family, comfort, trust, love. A sense of belonging. Acceptance.

"I know you will, darling." He whispers back. "I really shouldn't have let you do that."

Ana shrugs one shoulder causing Bucky to laugh lowly. She can feel it rumble in his chest beneath her palm.

"Let's get you to bed." He finally drops his hands from her face, using them to stand.

Bucky reaches down to pull her up. Ana stumbles, not sure if she can make it down the stairs to her room. Her own energy completely drained, a side affected to her ability. She leans her body on Bucky's for support, her head swimming, vision blurry. Stairs will literally be the death of her, she can barely stay awake at this point. Maybe it was a bad idea. She doesn't understand what is really happening anymore, just that she feels like she's floating and a low drawl of a voice is seeping into her veins. She can't fight the pulls of sleep any longer.

***

When Ana wakes, an unusual tiredness aches throughout her body. It's expected after her little show last night. She rubs her eyes, massages her temples while yawning, then makes herself get out of bed. Her trek to her bathroom is ungraceful, regaining her foots before she gets in the shower. The steaming water is a welcoming sting on her stings, helps pull herself together, because if she doesn’t, she can be very empathetically clingy if she isn't careful. Ana can read and feel people's energy, but that usually leaves herself open and vulnerable in the aftermath.

Once she reaches the main floor of the facility department, greeting everyone she sees along her way, including Max with a hug, she spots something sitting at her desk. She begins to smile before the smell even hits her nose. Ana picks up the large cup of coffee, inhaling the strong aroma before cautiously taking a sip. It's of drinkable temperature, and she nearly moans at the comforting roasted taste.

"Strong." Ana mumbles against the rim of the mug.

"And blacker than my soul." Bucky quips from right behind her.

Ana snorts against the mug, and nudges his elbow once he's standing next to her. "You're ridiculous. Thank you."

"Take it as a lame apology for last night." He hops up on the desk, gently nudging her shin with his boot.

She waves her hand as a response to forget it, since she offered in the first place. She takes a rather slow, long sip, watching as Bucky smiles, then occupies himself by starting the breathing techniques. He appears well rest despite the emotions of last night. His rich brown hair is pushed out of his eyes, falling more to the left today than usual. The scruff covering his face from his plump upper lip to his neck is becoming a little more thick, it's definitely working well for him. It also doesn't hide his strong jawline.

Ana is distracted by the rise and fall of his toned, broad chest, muscles defined slightly under his gray henley shirt. The first four buttons are undone and she cannot tell if he did that on purpose or just doesn't care, but Ana appreciates it.

She's abruptly hit with just how attractive Bucky really is. Not that she didn't notice that on the first day they met, but it rises up stronger this morning, smacking her in the face. He is handsome, rugged, soft and hard like the contraindication he is and- this is completely, utterly inappropriate. Ana blames the effects of last night, although, maybe that's not entirely true; maybe something else shifted between them on the roof.

She swallows a big sip of coffee and goes for another one. That's when Bucky decides to stretch his arms above his head, his shirt riding up enough to reveal a sliver of skin, just a hint of lower abs, and the beginning cut of his Adonis belt. Very appropriately named.

Ana's eyes drop without her control, watching as he leans back to arch his back, arms in the air. His legs spread wider, thigh muscles flexing thickly, hooking his calves under the table. Ana stares as he arches his back again, eyes dropping back down his stomach, exposed skin above his sweatpants, and lower to follow the line of his-

Ana sputters against her mug, pulling it away and coughing out the coffee she inhaled into her airway. She waves at Bucky, signalling that she's fine, since he stopped stretching. She informs him once her coughing has stopped, that she loves coffee so much she decided to literally breath it in.

"Told you it’s unhealthy." Bucky tells her smugly, crossing his arms. It makes his peck muscles bulge a little. His biceps are ridiculously defined.

Ana lets the remark pass, because that was not the reason why she suddenly choked. Empathizing was a bad idea.

*********************

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#bucky barnes x ofc #bucky barnes fanfic #Bucky Barnes #delicate stages #bucky barnes fanfiction #okay but lol Ana is all of us

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damonsbitchx · 7 years

Note

I'm really tired and I'm definitely crazy but all of them for the number ask thing

Holy shit Esther, okay. Um thanks lol You’re awesome, I love you so much omg.

Answers below the cut bc I’m feeling nice tonight.

1) Put your iTunes on shuffle. Give me the first 6 songs that pop up.

1. “How Does A Moment Last Forever” - Kevin Kline (Beauty and The Beast)

2. “Belle” - Emma Watson, Luke Evans, Ensemble (Beauty and The Beast)

3. “Make You Miss Me” - Sam Hunt

4. “Beauty And The Beast” - Ariana Grande & John Legend (Lol Beauty and The Beast)

5. “Impossible” - James Aurthur

6. “Aria” - Audra McDonald (Beauty and The Beast)

2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

Um lets see Jared Padalecki, my soulmate @the-thirteenthhour, tumblr mom Morgan @assbutt-still-in-hell, and a whole lot of my other Tumblr peeps

3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

“It was unsettling to watch.”

4) What do you think about most?

I think the thought that pops into my head the most is “keep fighting.” I think about it a lot.

5) Ever had a poem or song written about you?

I think someone wrote a song about me once, but they said they lost the paper and I never got to see it. Other than that, I don’t think so.

6) Do you have any strange phobias?

Um yeah, spiders, clowns, spiders, clowns, and did I mention SPIDERS AND CLOWNS?

7) What’s your religion?

I’m a cradle Catholic.

8) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

I’m most likely sitting out side for some peace and quiet. Whether it’s snowing, sunny, and especially when it’s raining, I’ll just sit outside and close my eyes.

9) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

Well I’m not really big on bands or anything, but I really like Panic At The Disco.

10) What was the last lie you told?

I don’t remember

11) Do you believe in karma?

Yeah, but I dont like to let her have all the fun, y’know?

12) What does your URL mean?

Sam Winchester is a reason that I’m alive. Therefore, it’s kind of an answer to a question. “Why are you alive?” - “Because Sam Winchester.”

13) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

I think my greatest weakness is how in touch with my emotions I am, it can be problematic at times. I think my greatest strength is my ability to listen and understand people, which in turn, allows me to effectively give advice.

14) Who is your celebrity crush?

JARED PADALECKI

15) How do you vent your anger?

I usually go for a walk or cry it out by myself. If I ever vent to someone then you know I’ve reached my limit.

16) Do you have a collection of anything?

I had a collection of plastic horse toys, kind of like Breyers, but I gave them to my sister.

17) Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

I’m not completely content with who I am yet, but I am working on it. I’m happy with how far I’ve come though.

18) What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

I hate the sound of people chewing and sniffing all their snot in, instead of blowing it out like a sensible person ????? I love the sound of rain and thunder storms, I also love the sound of violins and wire string guitars.

19) What’s your biggest “what if”?

What if one day I’m not strong enough to fight anymore?

20) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

21) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

22) Smell the air. What do you smell?

Idk what it is, but it’s got a slightly sweet smell. I think it’s Raspberry Jam.

23) What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

One of the worst places I’ve been was probably the wake of my baby niece when I was real small. I can’t remember anything else.

24) Most attractive singer/s of your opposite gender?

The most attractive male singers I’ve ever heard sing are obviously Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki.

25) To you, what is the meaning of life?

Idk about meaning, I don’t know if life has a meaning. I do think everyone has a purpose though.

26) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

I don’t drive yet. Too lazy to get my permit lol as well as the fact that where I live you have to log 100 hours behind the wheel with an adult present in order to get your license unless you’re 18, I am not.

27) What was the last movie you saw?

I’m watching Moana right now.

28) What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

I tore my ACL (a ligament at the back of the knee) a year ago.

29) Do you have any obsessions right now?

Supernatural, Tumblr, writing, singing, Disney Movies, the ocean, Jared Padalecki/Sam Winchester, acting.

30) Ever had a rumor spread about you?

Yep

31) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

I hold grudges for a while, but after so long it gets tiring and pointless. However, if one does not seek forgiveness before I get tired of holding a grudge, they will be cut out of my life. I don’t need that negativity just because you’re too full of yourself to apologize for whatever you did.

32) What is your astrological sign?

Sagittaius

33) What’s the last thing you purchased?

I purchased a thing of Ocean themed earrings.

34) Love or lust?

Love

35) In a relationship?

Yeah, with Netflix.

36) How many relationships have you had?

None

37) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

I am very good at reading people, so I lay low for a while and watch. Once I get a good feel for someone I can adjust my personality to fit theirs. It’s why I get along with so many different kinds of people.

38) Where is your best friend?

I have a few. One of them is an entire state away. One of them lives 5 minutes from me, the other two live about 20-25 minutes from me. At this moment, I don’t know specifically where any of them are.

39) What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

Sleeping

40) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

Yeah, sometimes.

41) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

Save the dog. I’ll explain it to my boss and if they fire me I can find a new job. I can always find a new job, but that one life is the only one the dog will get. Also, I’m just a big softy.

42) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

(a) I don’t think I would tell anyone, at least not immediately. I wouldn’t want to be treated like I’m dying during my last days. I suppose I could tell a few very close people though, I just don’t want to be smothered.

(b) I would drop all the unnecessary responsibilities I have and start doing things that I want to do, but subtly. Still don’t want to be treated like I’m dying.

© I don’t know if I would be afraid. I like to think I wouldn’t, I might just be more sad than afraid. Sad to think about my friends and family having to live without me, sad I won’t get to do half the things I always dreamed of doing.

43) What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

“Brother” - NEEDTOBREATHE ft. Gavin DeGraw

“Simple Man” - Cover by Jensen Ackles

44) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

A great romantic relationship should consist of communication, understanding, and honesty. Boundaries should be respected, you should always admit when you are wrong and never leave the house or go to sleep mad at each other. The mindset should be best friends before lovers. You should always want what is best for your partner, but always remember to care for yourself too.

45) How can I win your heart?

It’s pretty easy. If you can make me laugh, but also take part in a deep, soul-searching conversation we’re practically married.

46) Can insanity bring on more creativity?

Absolutely

47) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

The single best decision I’ve made in my life so far was learning to take care of me first.

48) What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

“Don’t worry bitches, I’ll be back.” Probably not that, but I think it would be funny. Maybe something more like “Here lies: Your mom…. lol jk it’s just me, [insert full name]”

49) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word “heart.”

All that came to mind was Sam Winchester. *shrug*

50) Basic question; what’s your favorite color/colors?

Green

51) What is your current desktop picture?

A sea turtle

52) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

I’d say probably this kid named Billy who goes to my church. If you met him you would know why.

53) What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

Oh god, okay well a lot of the time I would be afraid to tell the truth when people ask me if I’m okay. lol but don’t go asking me if I’m okay or anything after you read this cause that’s not cool.

54) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

Oh, hell yeah, I would totally want super strength or laser eyes.

55) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

I think I would relive the half-hour chunk of time from my 5th birthday party when me and my best friend at the time were outside in the cold November fog riding a miniature pony. There were other kids there, but only her and I were excited about it and I would honestly give anything to go back a relive that innocent bliss.

56) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

I think I would erase having to lose my horse just March of this year.

57) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

I would probably sleep with Demi Lovato or Sabrina Carpenter. This is kind of a hard question because usually I only know singers for their music, not their looks or anything.

58) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

Obviously, I’d go to see my soulmate. Although, I would have to be strategic about this. I think i would drive to go get her and then buy her ticket (bc mine’s free) and we’d go see mom. ( @assbutt-still-in-hell )

59) Ever been on a plane?

No, I don’t really want to, but I probably will at some point.

60) Give me your top 5 hottest celebrities.

1. Jared Padalecki

2. Jensen Ackles

3. Misha Collins

4. Gal Gadot

5. Ian Somerhalder (and Genevieve Padalecki, why tf do I only get 5????)

What can I say except you’re WELCOME! Thanks for the questions, they only took me an hour and half to do lol.

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oumakokichi · 7 years

Note

What do you think about the nature of Maki and Kaito's relationship? Like, even though Tsumugi says she set the scenario up, do you think that it's possible that she was lying? I'm interested to hear your thoughts about their chemistry. Love your blog btw 💕💕💕

Thank you for these questions! I’m putting them together andwant to answer them like this because while the answer to this question is veryimportant in regards to Maki and Momota both as characters, I want to answer itspecifically because I feel like this question is vital to pinpointing whereand how Tsumugi starts lying in Chapter 6.

Of course, things are largely still going to be a matter ofspeculation, because the entire point of ndrv3’s ending is to remain largelyuncertain to both the players and the characters themselves. But I feel likethere were a few huge hints droppedby Tsumugi throughout the trial, and these really glaring contradictions in herclaims are what make me not only think it’s possible, but that she was very likely lying about setting thewhole romance scenario up.

Part of the reason I think so many people had such a hugekneejerk negative reaction to ndrv3’s ending is precisely because of the scaleon which Tsumugi starts claiming things at some point. If it were only one partof the twist, like with the characters never having attended Hope’s PeakAcademy or not having SHSL talents of their own, that would be one thing. Ithink people could have handled this particular twist on its own fairly well,not least of all because sdr2 had similar, or even wilder twists, with theentire Neo World Program and the deaths having all been fake.

The problem is that Tsumugi goes above and beyond the normalscale of things, because ndrv3 is all about lying. People in the heat of themoment and right in the middle of Chapter 6 with all the “reveals” hitting themone after the other are kind of inclined to take everything she says either atface value, or else deny literally all of it to themselves because they hatewhat they’re hearing—and I think that’s exactlywhat Kodaka wanted and expected.

As with everything in ndrv3, the answer lies somewhere inthe middle. You can’t take anything entirely at face value, because you have tothink critically about what’s being said and analyze it for yourself. But youalso can’t just discount everything Tsumugi is saying either, because then youget no truths or reveals whatsoever. Until you believe the mystery is going tohave clues presented and that it’s going to be solvable, you never actuallymake an effort to try and solve it.

When Tsumugi claims that she set up the romance development betweenMaki and Momota, and even between all the other characters’ interactions aswell, including Saihara and Kaede and even Tenko and Himiko (she doesn’tspecifically use romance for himitenko, but I’m glad they were included on thesame scale when everyone started talking about dead love interests anyway), shedoes so very deliberately.

Tsumugi might not have SHSL Analysis or be a SHSLChessmaster the way I suspect Ouma is, but that’s okay, because she doesn’tneed it. Her smarts don’t lie in analyzing or predicting things before theyoccur, but in reacting to the situation after they happen, weaving an entirelynew scenario out of any twist that comes her way, and ultimately fakingsomething so perfectly it becomes indistinguishable from reality. She might notbe a genius, but she’s very smart, and make no mistake that she knows how to manipulatepeople, and which things to target in order to manipulate them the best.

When she starts lying about implanting everyone’s feelings, rightdown to every single miniscule thought they ever had or every little thing theyever did or said, she does it because she knows that that’s the single best wayto break their willpower. Up until she said that, everyone was talking aboutgetting out of the school, investigating the outside world, finding some placefor them to go back to. Even though they realized their talents and backstorieswere “fictional” they were still relatively comfortable knowing that at leastthey ways they reacted to things within the game were real.

So of course, Tsumugi tries to smash that into pieces. Shewants them to feel uncomfortable. She wants to give them no sense of security,to take credit for everything so that they will ultimately do two things: 1.)Feel insecure and uncertain enough that they no longer have any willpower toquestion her lies and therefore can’t escape the school or open the catbox, and2.) Despair, give up completely, so that she can then count on Kiibo to comearound as her hope-filled protagonist and carry the killing game broadcast toits inevitable hope vs. despair conclusion, which is what the audience wants tosee more than anything.

It’s a brilliant plan, because the characters and theplayers fall for it pretty easily. With no way to refute her claim and noimmediate way to objectively prove she didn’t control everyone’s emotions orwrite out every single scenario from start to finish, it’s such a…well, adepressing blow. It’s not the kind of story anyone wants to hear. Finding outthat all these little twists and turns of character development had nothing todo with the characters’ free will is the most depressing blow Tsumugi couldever land, and it works like a charm.

The characters give up. Saihara gives up completely, onlycoming back around to question the real truth of things again when Kiiboactually chimes in with the SHSL Hope routine. This was probably the exactpoint at which I’d be willing to bet most people playing the game almost gaveup and became very, very unhappy with the way things were going.

And now this brings me to why I’m so certain that this was alie, and part of Tsumugi’s claims rather than anything actually within therealm of possibility—because I’m really, almost entirely sure. There’s one factin particular that almost 100% undeniably proves that Tsumugi was blindsidedabout certain developments and took credit for them anyway, and that is Momota’s illness.

During the Chapter 6 trial, Tsumugi takes credit not onlyfor Maki’s romantic feelings towards Momota, but for pretty much everythingabout their little school lives and scenario in general. She claims she andTeam Danganronpa were the ones who gave Momota his sickness in the first place,that it was all a twist she thought up, but the thing is, it’s the mostobviously bullshit claim out of all her claims save for perhaps the one aboutOuma being a pawn.

There is no way Momota’s illness was anything she planned,and that’s because there was literally nothingabout him being sick in the remember lights that she gave to him.

At the end of the Chapter 5 trial, when Momota finally comesclean about the state of his body, it’s really, very apparent that Tsumugi hadno idea about this. The fact that he was sick, really sick, even though in theremember lights she’d provided them all with they were all supposed to beperfectly immune from any kind of virus that wiped out all of humanity, caughther off guard. She and the others ask Momota at what point he remembers gettingsick, or when it started, but he says he literally has no idea, because it’snot something he remembered at all prior to the killing game.

Literally, he only realized he was sick when he startedcoughing up blood and feeling horrible within the game itself. In all his “memories,”all the things implanted for him via the remember lights, including hismemories of SHSL Astronaut training, he was just fine. And these are allmemories very specifically crafted and concocted by Tsumugi.

If him being sick had been one of her “developments” sheplanned in order to “make the game more exciting,” there’s no way she wouldn’thave had him remember being sick in the remember lights. Those lightsthemselves were the way in which she “rewrote” the game, every single time. Andyet, there was nothing about his illness at all, in any of them? I simply findit hard to believe that that would be the case unless Momota’s illness wassupposed to be objective proof that there were clearly things she and the killing game producers could beblindsided on and knew nothing about.

And considering how obviously she was sweating bullets uponrealizing that Momota had been sick the entire time and that she’d nevernoticed, I think that means there’s a fair amount we can guess about some ofthe things in the outside world being true, like the virus. There’s no way thestate of the outside world could be entirely peaceful or fine if there’s still thisbrutal, debilitating illness that can destroy people’s health in a very shortamount of time.

If Momota’s illness works as proof that Tsumugi was willingto take credit for things she clearly had no idea about (and I believe itdoes), then I think it’s very much the same with not only Maki’s feelings forMomota, but all of the characters’ feelings. Remember lights can only implantbits and pieces of backstory and ideas, and try to get the characters to makedecisions based on those. They can’t implant feelings, and they can’t completely overwrite what a characternormally would or wouldn’t do.

Because all the characters are still undeniably living,breathing human beings with free will of their own, the things they do in thegame are all inevitably up to them. Tsumugi’s remember lights could help tosuggest certain things, and she could certainly use them as a way ofmanipulating the situation to her advantage, as she did in Chapter 5. But theyabsolutely could not decide how a character would think or feel about anotherperson.

Make no mistake, I think Tsumugi liked the romancedevelopments that occurred. As someone who lives primarily for the sake ofentertainment, she knew that the audience would buy into them, and they werethings that she wanted to encourage because they were good for the ratings. Atone point in Chapter 5, she even tries to imply that there’s some kind oftriangle development with Saihara, Maki, and Momota, questioning Saihara on ifhe has secret feelings for Maki. I feel it’s clear with little glimpses ofTsumugi like these that she wanted these things to happen, that she felt they’dbe really exciting for the viewers—but they weren’t something she had directcontrol over, clearly, because as we can see, Saihara clearly doesn’t have anyromantic feelings for Maki, or vice-versa.

The reason Maki fell for Momota was entirely of her ownaccord. As someone whose in-game backstory left her feeling as though she’dlived her entire life without ever having any free will or making any choicesof her own, Maki was not accustomed to feelingthings. And the fact that Momota was so undeniably supportive, so aggressivelytake-charge of his own life, and so willing to encourage her and to believethat she had options available to her besides just being an assassin, wassomething I feel she was very drawn to.

It was the first time in her life she was able to feelsomething and recognize it as something she wanted, and that’s why she waswilling to kill for it in Chapter 5. To someone like Maki, who had no degree offree will in the past, getting just a taste of it was enough to make herincredibly reckless and willing to risk everything for it.

And because it was the first and only thing she was eversure about wanting for herself in her life, that’s precisely why Tsumugitargeted those feelings in the last trial, and tried to make her and Saiharaand Himiko all feel as though they weren’t ever truly acting of their ownaccord, that they didn’t make any steps of development that Tsumugi herselfdidn’t want them to. Tsumugi is perfectly willing to lie as an antagonist. Shespecializes in creating situations where it’s almost objectively impossible toprove that she’s lying, because it allows the perfect degree of uncertainty andillusion for her to hide behind.

But since a mystery has to have clues presented and therehave to be things to give us some idea of how to take the ending and theepilogue, I think certain things were definitely left in to tip us off,especially on a replay, that not every claim Tsumugi made was possible for her.And Momota’s illness I feel is perhaps one of the bets tip-offs in the entiregame to this fact, and is precisely why I’m almost entirely positive thatTsumugi’s claims from that point on were mostly just her doing a grand-scaleillusion and taking credit for anything and everything that would make thecharacters feel more defeated. After all, there was no reason for her to lie somuch and so hard unless the characters were actually hitting very close to thetruth.

I hope I got my points across pretty well! I feel like withmomoharu as a ship, there’s definitely room to interpret how Momota felt aboutMaki pretty freely. Whether he reciprocated her romantic feelings or onlythought of her as a really good friend who he wanted to support and see improveherself, she was very clearly important to him. With Maki, her romanticfeelings were undeniable. They’re a huge part of the plot, just as Saihara’s feelingsfor Kaede are, and Himiko’s feelings for Tenko.

And it’s precisely because of how plot-relevant andimportant these feelings the survivors had for the ones they cared about werethat Tsumugi tried to weaponize them and push them down and call them fake. Bydemeaning those feelings, Tsumugi was able to crush not only the will to go onof the characters, but almost of the entire fanbase, and that’s prettyincredible.

Kodaka made a point of wanting to include more “confirmed”romance this time around in ndrv3, according to the last interview of his Iread. Nothing too terribly confirmed, since ndrv3 usually does a pretty goodjob of leaving most relationships either confirmed only on one side or up tointerpretation as friends. But you can tell he definitely did confirm a lotmore romantic feelings among the characters this time around, including Maki’sfeelings for Momota, and I feel like it was for this exact purpose. By gettingthe players invested in these romances themselves, the very act of questioningthose feelings later only hurts more.

It was a devious, brilliant move, both by Tsumugi andKodaka, and I have to say, it’s pretty fun to go back and pick it apart andfigure out why it’s a lie. Thank you both for asking about this, and I hope Iwas able to give some insight!

#ndrv3 #maki harukawa #kaito momota #tsumugi shirogane #momoharu #ndrv3 spoilers //#my meta #okay to reblog #anonymous

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kane-and-griffin · 7 years

Note

Hey so I known you don't particularly ship bellarke, but what do you think of the bellarke/kabby parallels? I'm only asking because I'm curious to see what the other side of the fandom thinks?

I actually do ship Bellarke! Kabby is my #1 but I’ve always been invested in Clarke and Bellamy’s relationship. I have very strong opinions about Kabby/Bellarke parallels and have talked about this at LENGTH on Meta Station, where @reblogginhood, my co-host and best friend, is a ride-or-die Bellarke shipper, so most of the time I feel like I have dual citizenship through Erin (and vice versa, since the Kabby fandom loves her too). We both love both those ships, and we both love all four of those characters, just in rearranged order, and we like to yell about this a LOT.

I’ve meta’d on this before a number of different times, but I’m too lazy to go back and dig up old posts, so here goes.

First of all, if you are a Bellarke shipper (are you a Bellarke shipper? Am I reading this ask correctly? HELLO FROM THE OTHER SIIIIIIIIIIDE), the most important thing I want to say in aid of positive fandom-to-fandom relations is that the phrase “Kabby/Bellarke parallels” has begun to elicit a knee-jerk primal scream reaction among Kabby shippers over the past few months, since we regularly find the Kabby tag full of posts that either describe Kabby as the “old” version of Bellarke, or that it only exists to pave the way for Bellarke, or that the parallels that exist (and they do exist, and we’ll get to that in a second) essentially make Kane and Abby metaphors instead of people who only exist in the narrative to shed light on Bellarke instead of being their own characters with value and storylines of their own. Articles or blog posts highlighting the things that make Kabby special to Kabby shippers will get reblogged with someone saying “if you change the names, it’s about Bellarke!” or with lengthy meta about how Bellarke had that thing first or that the Kabby version of some particular moment or symbol or metaphor or visual cue or phrase only exists because it will become MORE important later, when it’s attached to Bellarke.

So I’m frustrated because I love this ask, I love getting this question, I love talking about the relationship among these four characters, but also it’s hard - as you can imagine - to feel like we’re told over and over again that the things we feel make our ship, and these two characters, really special to us, don’t really matter on their own merits.

Anyway, I’m saying that both A) so the Kabby fandom, where we are perpetually having this conversation, knows MOM’S ON IT, and B) so that you as a Bellarke shipper who seems delightful and asked a great question has some context for why sometimes other asks or posts about this - which aren’t phrased as nicely as yours was - receive a negative response or make Kabby shippers upset. I think the context is important here, because this has been a BIG thing in our world of late and we’re all a little thin-skinned about it right now.

Okay but that being said LET’S MOVE ON TO THE FUN PART AND TALK ABOUT CHARACTER PARALLELS BECAUSE I LOVE CHARACTER PARALLELS AND I THINK ABOUT THESE ONES ALL THE TIME AND I’M FULL OF OPINIONS AND YOU ASKED FOR THEM SO YOU’RE GONNA GET ‘EM

oh wait I found another post where I already did this STILL GONNA YELL ABOUT IT THOUGH, MY HOUSE MY RULES

Okay so FIRST OF ALL let me just real quick BLOW YOUR MIND with my Kabby/Bellarke parallels theory, which is that the REAL parallel is Abby/Bellamy vs. Clarke/Kane and everyone else has it backwards.

I think the easy, default place most people go to when we talk about this is to contrast Kane and Bellamy - the self-doubting, tortured, wannabe martyrs who carry the weight of every sin on their shoulders well past the point of reason - with Abby and Clarke - the resourceful mother and daughter who never give up and will drag all of humanity kicking and screaming to their salvation if it’s the LAST THING THEY FUCKING DO. And I think there’s a lot of interesting character stuff to be mined there, for sure; I think Kane and Bellamy’s parallel redemption arcs are some of the best stuff they’ve done in the whole series (until 3A Bellamy regressed back to an asshole but let’s skip past that for the moment), illustrating the way that for both of them, the Culling was really a turning point where they realized that they will forever carry the burden of having been complicit in that massive loss of innocent life (Bellamy for throwing away Raven’s radio and Kane for not waiting like Abby asked him to) which could have been prevented if they had listened to the Griffins. It’s beautifully executed, even in S1 when these two characters have never interacted onscreen, and it ramps up even more in S2 where we see them meet and immediately butt heads with each other before in S3 developing a real partnership. (Which then got torn to shreds. I’m still bitter over 3A Kellamy I’M GONNA NEED A HUG IN S4 JASON DO U HEAR ME) (I mean I need Kane to hug Bellamy, not like I’m requesting a hug from Jason, TO BE CLEAR). And I think the mother/daughter parallels are drawn beautifully as well, especially in S1 where we see Abby on the Ark and Clarke on the ground filling similar roles and working towards the same goal, barreling through the opposition however they must.

BUT. If we’re talking about which characters are MOST SIMILAR, then I think you CANNOT get away from the reality that the parallels are actually gender-flipped.

Clarke has a lot of her mom in her, clearly, as well as a lot of her dad. But she’s not actually the kind of leader her mom is. She’s the kind of leader Kane is. Abby and Bellamy are the ones with the crowd charisma and the stubborn recklessness; Clarke and Kane are the cool-headed, deliberate strategic thinkers. Bellamy and Abby have quick minds and no fear and will do absolutely anything, no matter how insane, to protect the people they love. You can map, beat-for-beat, so many of the things Bellamy does for Octavia onto the things Abby does for Clarke, and vice versa. Abby sneaking the kids out the back door with guns in the middle of the night to go find Clarke? Bellamy would do that in a second. Bellamy sneaking onto the dropship to make sure Octavia doesn’t go to earth unprotected? ABBY AF. They both begin the show as people who are fiercely focused on keeping the person they love most safe, and it makes them blind to ancillary consequences. Bellamy will fight anyone. Abby will tell any lie. There is no such thing as too far, when the person you love is at stake. WE know Abby’s hope that the kids are alive is borne out by fact, but NO ONE ELSE ON THE ARK KNOWS THAT. From Kane’s point of view, she’s being as unreasonable and reckless as Clarke thinks Bellamy is when she yells at him about the radio. Or think about Abby sneaking Bellamy and Finn out the back door with guns to go hunt for Clarke, even knowing she would get in trouble for it. You know who else would do THAT EXACT SAME THING in those circumstances? BELLAMY BLAKE. I bet they cooked up that scheme together off-camera. So what I think is interesting for both of them is how their circle expands over the course of three seasons to change the way they are as leaders, and the ways in which their recklessness is tempered by their leadership partners.

I’m fascinated by the relationship between Clarke and Kane, and I hope we get more of it in S4. I heard rumblings that they go together to find Kenza, the Nightblood scout, and I’m hoping we get a lil’ dad/daughter road trip bonding, because I think they have a really strong connection and they share a similar leadership brain. Where Abby and Bellamy are quick and passionate and make snap decisions, Clarke and Kane are more calculating. They’re thinking in the big picture and the longer term. Floating 300 people to save the whole Ark, and irradiating the residents of Mt. Weather to save all the Sky People, are identical decision-making processes; not everyone can live, someone is going to have to die, so how to we map out the most effective path where the fewest of my people die as possible for maximum survival? Whereas there’s nothing Bellamy wouldn’t burn to the ground to save Octavia. Leadership isn’t PERSONAL for Clarke and Kane, not right off the bat. It’s about the numbers. It’s about as many people as possible surviving. And so sometimes you have to let the bomb fall on Tondc, because letting those people die is the only way to give your own people the chance to live, even though Abby “there has to be another way” Griffin finds that notion so appalling she can hardly even recognize her daughter in that moment. But you know who understood it immediately, and didn’t judge her? Kane. Kane and Abby’s scene underground in 2x13 is such a beautiful, crucial moment in their relationship, but it’s also the moment the show really begins to lean in on this idea that Kane can see Clarke more clearly than Abby can, because she’s Abby’s baby girl and Abby is still trying to protect her from harm - including from the harm of having to make, and then face the consequences of, terrible decisions. But Kane is the one who tells Abby not to diminish either Clarke or Lexa’s leadership skills just because they’re young. Kane is the one who calmly talks Clarke down when they’re trying to figure out who poisoned Lexa’s drink, using the same kind of coolheaded, rational language we can easily imagine Clarke using to one of the delinquents if the shoe was on the other foot. And so it makes perfect sense that it would be Clarke and Kane who make the strategic decision, together, that Skaikru joining the Grounder Alliance is the smartest long-term tactical decision - a notion we see that Abby and Bellamy don’t like, because they, emotional thinkers that they are, still haven’t forgiven Lexa or decided they can trust her again.

I’m really interested in where the lines end up getting drawn in S4, but it definitely seems to me, from the bits and pieces we’ve seen and heard, that Clarke has some kind of crazy-ass save-the-world plan that other people think is too reckless or too dangerous or will have too high a casualty rate, and that the group sort of divides itself into factions based on who is willing to get on board and who is resisting (or just giving up and waiting to die). And it does seem, from the trailer, that Kane and Abby are using the same language Clarke is using. We’ve also heard that Bellamy and Clarke are back as a power duo again, so my guess is he’ll be on the squad too. So what I’m really excited about, because we’ve never really had this before, is the four of them working together as a co-leadership team. I want to see Chancellor Kane and Ambassador Clarke negotiating with Roan and Luna. I want Abby and Bellamy working together in Arkadia to convince their people to go along with Clarke’s plan. I want Clarke and Abby to talk about Lexa and Jake, about how you go on with a hole in your heart and how to grieve and heal. I want Kane and Bellamy to talk through all the things that happened in S3, how Bellamy almost got Kane executed because he stopped trusting him, how ALIE made Kane almost murder Bellamy in cold blood, and where they go from here. I want us to see the parallel relationship dynamics - the big-hearted, loving Griffins who are used to giving and receiving affection reaching out to the isolated protector men who are still getting used to the idea that they have a place they belong and people who care about them.

TO CONCLUDE: Abby is Bellamy and Clarke is Kane and they’re a big beautiful leadership power squad family and I love them all with my whole heart THANK U AND GOODNIGHT

#Anonymous #From the Inbox #kabby #marcus kane #abby griffin #metas and headcanons #the 100 #the 100 meta #clarke griffin #bellamy blake #bellarke meta

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