January 26, 2023
Well happiest of birthday to the first man in my life.
My first real crush.
My first love.
My first date.
My first boyfriend.
My first time.
My first heartbreak.
My first step into adulthood.
My first kiss.
My first everything.
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the language of addiction is a plague. im reading an article and whenever addiction language enters the picture it all becomes so sensationalized due to the cultural forces that accrue around the concept of addiction, always framing the addicted person as suffering from some flaw of personality that needs to be overcome by self-control. the fear of addiction, the fear of substances that affect the body & mind, changing the way that person responds in the presence of that substance - comes from a place of deep anxiety about lack of control but spirals into an obsession with the supposed purity of the body, where desire is inherently corrupting. which is why people steeped in this manner of thought will start saying things like "we're addicted to cooked food" or "you're addicted to your phone" or "you're addicted to porn" - it all comes from this terror that your behavior is influenced by desire when desire is fundamental to the way we interact the world. pathologizing want and desire makes people distrustful of others who are openly wanting - to want to change the way you are (which is, of course, construed as a natural, uninterrupted, pure state) is a crime. to want happiness through drugs, through food, through sex, through pleasure, is dangerous, so dangerous and unacceptable that anyone who feels too good and pursues feeling good becomes threatening to society, which is built on making people believe that having very little of anything, very little joy is alright because joy is bad for you. what a fucking con.
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yuuta exhibits such previously abandoned, recently adopted dog behavior. incredibly anxious all the time, even though nobody’s out to get him or leave him behind. waits for you to return home or from school or from work excitedly, just to see you when you walk through the door. follows you around senselessly, hovering in your space just for the sake of companionship. initiates affection in prodding ways—starts off next to you, then a hand on your thigh, then deems it safe to lay all the way down, then slowly pushes his head into your lap. gets up whenever you need to get up, and resumes his position as soon as you’re ready. brings you gifts as a sign that he’s thinking of you, and maybe because he likes the affection it brings out in you, maybe because he likes the gentle affirming touches of a hand in his hair or a pinch to his cheek. rests his head on your stomach or his chin on your shoulder when he’s sleepy, stays there, immobile, and will not move unless absolutely necessary. sometimes he gets surprised when he hears you calling for him, there’s a moment of disbelief as he thinks “me? really? you need me?” but it’s very quickly overshadowed by this compulsive need to show up, to please, to do anything for you, which is why he always answers when you call. he doesn’t realize that he has puppygod eyes, especially when he’s excited or confused, but he does and it’s incredible endearing. very reluctant to share your space or attention after a while, considers that to be sacred and he won’t risk being let go or lost again, so as a safety precaution, he keeps himself right by you, waits for you always.
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Everyone in this dirty laundry is the perfect level of acquainted with each other where they can throw extremely specific and accurate accusations at each other and expose all kinds of unexpected secrets about one another, and you still get so much indignant shrieking as guesses are proved wrong and new information is revealed. its perfect.
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"You swear to act with strength, compassion, and responsibility, to be a paragon of honour and justice. The Oath of Devotion is yours to fulfil."
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what people don’t understand is that the mighty fall by fall out boy (ft. big sean), track six off their 2013 album save rock and roll, is the best song in the whole entire fucking world and i mean that
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“but if you didnt read aftg for the sports or the romance what did you read it for” is such a good question. unfortunately i am weird and mean and i read it because i like reading about people who are also weird and mean
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