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xxlady-lunaxx · 5 months

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Unwilling | {KokuZan}

Theme: Angst

Note: I purposefully chose to write this as angsty as I could. I'm sorry in advance-

TW: implications of suicide! Mentions of sex :> like... the word haha- Angst obv! Vague spoilers-

How I wrote this is kinda skipping around a bunch and I wrote it differntly than I used to so sorry it's kinda rushed too...

It might not make sense if you've not finished the manga :> (more somewhere around the middle, I mean? cuz i'm vague abt details halfway through LMAO)

(part two here)

Kokushibo looked at Muzan with an inquiring look. "Muzan..?" he said tentatively.

Muzan sighed, as if annoyed he had been called. "Yes?" He looked at Kokushibo from his perch on his chair. "What is it you want?"

"Can I, um, kiss you?" the Uppermoon asked. He wasn't sure what to say. He just wanted some sort of affection from his boyfriend who seemed to hesitant to give him any.

Muzan crossed his arms. "Kiss me? No. I'm not in the mood for wasting my time right now."

Kokushibo nodded and averted his eyes. He'd expected that. It was the same answer he got nearly every time.

"It's too much of a bother," Muzan said, rolling his eyes. "Now, go to where Nakime is."

Kokushibo obeyed and moved to leave.

~~~

Muzan stood above all of the Uppermoons on a platform, something he'd had Nakime make specifically higher up to appear more menacing 'than he already was.'

"All of you are useless!" he said, his voice echoing in the hollow of the room. "You cannot seem to follow orders correctly! So far, no Hashira has been killed in the past, what? ten years? Pathetic. None of you have found any sort of trace of the blue spider lily, and besides that! You cannot catch a mere child. No sign of the runaway demon, no sign of any of you making progress at all! Disgusting. Have the Upperranks fallen? The Lowermoons were already horrible, but will all of you acting as such, maybe you six should be qualified as Lowermoons." He gave them a condemning look. "You're failing as Uppermoons. If you do not do something soon, if you do not prove yourselves worthy of the title I've given to you, I'm stripping all of you of your ranks."

There was a defeaning silence in the room and even Nakime knew better than to make a sound as Muzan glared down upon the Uppermoons.

The threats were probably—hopefully—empty ones as they had been for some years now, but they were still terrifying all the same. Who knew if this would be the time he decided they were no longer just to scare them?

He raised an eyebrow at their silence. "Very well then, off to your missions now. I hope none of you disappoint me," he said, shooting a look at Nakime.

In an instant there was a strum of an instrument and every Uppermoon found them back to where they'd been a couple minutes before.

Kokushibo, having just had been in Muzan's office, was there again now. Muzan stood in front of him, the stern look still playing on his face.

The Uppermoon blinked then said, "Uhm, Master..."

"What is it?" Muzan snapped, irritated.

"I'm sorry that I've—we've all—not been doing enough to fullfill your wishes, I promise to work harder and I'll-" Kokushibo started.

Muzan interrupted him with an impatient look. "Does it look like I give a fuck? Apologies aren't going to change anything and promises won't either, so don't fucking act as if I'll 'forgive you' for some stupid words." He rolled his eyes and glanced up at Kokushibo. "It's your own fault for being useless and weak. Go fix it yourself than pleading forgiveness."

"But... Muza-"

"No. Go do your missions or I'll put Douma up as Upper 1," he said, clearly a lie but also quite plainly a way to say I don't give a fuck about you right now.

Kokushibo sighed and turned away, trudging out the door.

~~~

Muzan glanced at the clock. 4am. Fuck.

Well he wouldn't be going outside anytime soon.

He sighed. Where was Kokushibo?

He drummed his fingers on his desk mindlessly, bored out of his mind. He sort of wanted to be with Kokushibo right now, just to... be with him.

But there was no way he would go ask. No fucking way.

Muzan dropped his head down onto the desk, annoyed with himself. Why'd he even care about Kokushibo?

The clocked ticked by painfully slowly and Muzan found himself pacing around.

Eventually, he got bored and went around to Nakime.

"Nakime." he said quietly, his voice echoing in the empty room.

"Yes?"

"Take me to one of the households I've presented myself in as a human."

"Alright." She brought her hand down to her biwa and plucked one of the strings.

Muzan blinked and found himself in front of a door.

"Papa!!" a little girl said, running up to him and hugging him.

He quickly changed his eyes to normal looking ones and gave her a smile. "Hello, I'm back from work," he said. "Why are you up so early? It's only 6..."

She grinned up at him. "Because I can!"

He sighed. "Alright..."

A woman came in and greeted him. "She woke up and wouldn't go back to sleep," she explained apologetically.

"Oh, alright, well, you should go off to bed," he said, looking down at the child in a disapproving way.

"Awh.. but-"

"Go to sleep! You need sleep!!"

She huffed but nodded and ran off.

The woman laughed. "Welcome back, dear."

He nodded. "Hm... If she sleeps, do you think we could have some time alone?" he asked.

"Maybe," she said, smiling at him. "Why?"

"I thought we could maybe do something together," he said, his tone suggesting more than he said. Suppose, he thought, she could fullfill some of his want for Kokushibo. She wouldn't be the Uppermoon but she'd be something to fill in his time?

~~~

"He went where..?" Kokushibo asked slowly, his gaze dropping from Nakime to the floor. Why would Muzan go to a human family...

Nakime sighed. "Kokushibo-sama, Muzan-sama went out with the woman from the family of humans he'd created in Asakusa." She looked down at him from her platform above. "Apologies. Should I take you there?"

He shook his head slowly. "No, no I think... take me to his office, please?"

"Alright..."

~~~

(drama✨)

Kokushibo tapped his foot impatiently on the floor as he waited.

Finally, after a couple hours, Muzan arrived. He looked disheveled and his clothes looked unusually unkept. As he walked in, he was fixing them, when his eyes landed on Kokushibo.

"Kokushibo?" he said, confused.

At the same moment, the Uppermoon said, "Muzan. We must talk."

"What about?" Muzan didn't care about reading Kokushibo's mind at the moment. His own mind was already filled with the sounds the woman had made some time before. Honestly, he didn't like her but if it would do anything to make him feel less... clingy, then so be it. Well, it was kind of useless now since Kokushibo was back and now he wanted to just throw himself into the Uppermoon's arms...

"Are you cheating on me?"

The demon lord blinked, pulling his mind from his thoughts. "What now?"

"Are you cheating on me," Kokushibo repeated, his voice stern but his tone almost... hurt.

"Why would you..." Kokushibo's thoughts filled Muzan's mind and he realized that he knew of the woman. "No! I'm not."

"Are you sure of that? You never seemed to care about me, you never do anything with me, you don't let me do anything for you, and then you go out and have sex with another person! And a woman, no less!! Do I not satisfy your needs because I am a man?" Kokushibo asked irritably.

There was silence in the room for a beat before Muzan said, "Well, of course I don't like you!! You're... boring!" What a fucking lame insult. He didn't even mean it. But of course, he wasn't about to say what he felt... that's not how it worked, right?? Anyways, who even wanted to pour out their feelings? "I don't care about all this affectionate shit you want."

It was Kokushibo's turn to process this. "So... you really don't care?"

"No!!" He was so persistant, why did he even like Muzan?

"Then..." Kokushibo swallowed, his mind racing. Muzan didn't like him... "Then I want to break up."

"What?" Muzan looked genuinely shocked at this. "Why?"

"You literally just said you don't like me!! And you just cheated on me!" Kokushibo crossed his arms. "I'm breaking up with you." Then he turned and marched out, leaving Muzan in shock.

Why... How had this happened? Muzan leaned on his desk for support. He hadn't been cheating!! He'd just been... No, he supposed it appeared as if had been. Why hadn't he noticed...? (bc he's a dumbass)

~~~

Kokushibo flopped onto the bed he never used, feeling horrible.

Why had he done that?

No, more so, why had Muzan cheated on him?

He... Kokushibo loved him! He'd done everything in his power to make sure Muzan was feeling alright in the relationship, feeling good. But he'd failed. And now they'd broken up. Because of Kokushibo.

Fuck.

He was a fucking idiot, what had he done wrong?? Where in their relationship had he fucked up...?

~~~

Muzan buried his head in his arms, leaning onto the desk. That didn't happen. Please let it not have happened.

But, of course it had. Of course it had.

Muzan had fucked up the whole relationship, and now, for some reason, Kokushibo had thought he never cared and then he'd fucking broken up with him!!

No fucking wonder all his relationships were fake.

Muzan groaned. He was a shitty boyfriend.

Not Kokushibo, Muzan was.

Kokushibo had been a wonderful one. A loveable one.

And guess who dumped that all away?

Muzan.

He lifted his head and hit it hard onto the table. Fuck.

~~~

He thought he would get used to it. The not dating Kokushibo 'it,' to be more specific. But it was hard. Kokushibo had been... everything to Muzan. And now he was nothing.

It had been months now and yet, the only thing Muzan could think of was his boyfriend. No, his ex. Right. They weren't dating anymore.

Why couldn't he just grasp that?

~~~

A girl. A demon girl. She had conquered the sun.

Muzan should've felt happy but he really... really, he didn't. He couldn't. But he would get the fucking girl and take her blood.

Maybe if he became truly immortal he could find a way to get Kokushibo back.

~~~

Kokushibo felt useless.

Like, he couldn't... couldn't live knowing Muzan had never liked him. He'd just been... some toy to the demon king, then? Probably.

And so he did his best to ignore him, avoid him.

He would never forgive Muzan. No, he could never.

~~~

Perfect. The perfect solution!!

Muzan would get the demon girl and then when all the demons could resist the sunlight... then, he would use that occasion to ask Kokushibo back. Because it would be a good time for the demons as well.

~~~

Fuck it, the demon slayers were doing better than Muzan had expected... But, no matter. They would win. Muzan would win. He had to, otherwise how would he ask out Kokushibo?

~~~

Shit. Half of the Uppermoons were dead. Where was Kokushibo.

Muzan closed his eyes and located Kokushibo, fighting three Hashira and one demon slayer.

The Uppermoon was... struggling.

Ah... the strongest Hashira was there too.

No matter... the strongest Uppermoon was no match for him.

~~~

No. No. No, what, how?!

Kokushibo... Kokushibo had died.

How. How the fuck.

Muzan fought furiously against the Hashira that just kept coming and coming. The demon slayers, so persistent.

Why. Why had they taken Kokushibo from him?!

Fucking hell...

Muzan saw the sun facing towards him, disintigrating him. He was dying. Fuck it, he was dying.

And then there was nothing.

He looked around. Was he still alive?

No...

He was going to hell now, no?

He was dead.

And there was Kokushibo.

"Kokushibo!" Muzan shouted, his voice echoing in this emptiness.

Kokushibo looked at him, disdain filling his features in a second. "Muzan," he said quietly.

"Kokushibo, will you forgive me? I..." Muzan's voice trailed off.

"Forgive you?" Kokushibo laughed, a fake one, a cold, horrid sound. "Never. I will never forgive you, Muzan Kibutsuji. You ruined my life. I should've never become a demon."

Muzan gaped at him. "What..?"

Kokushibo gave him a disgusted look and faded away.

"No! Kokushibo! I'm sorry!"

It was too late.

He would never be forgiven.

~~~

Muzan wasn't aware that people who went to hell were given second chances. But apparently they were.

He found himself as a child growing up. He felt sort of empty, as if missing something though.

As he grew into his teens, he started remembering more of his past. Little by little.

He found he longed for a relationship, but whenever he dated someone he felt only remorse for something—someone—he didn't know what. Or who.

He had a girlfriend now. Again.

She was sweet and nice to him but he found that he wasn't particularily attracted to her. Sure, she was pretty and all, but... he was unsure.

"Kie!" he said, her hand clasping around his arm. "You're going to break my back!"

She laughed. "Carry me!! I'm not that heavy!"

"You aree!!" he whined.

She gave him a playfully injured look. "What?!"

"I'm kidding, I'm kidding," he said, pulling her along the sidewalk.

Muzan stopped abruptly, almost bumping into a boy who looked to be around his age. Kie did bump into him.

"Ow-" Muzan said, turning and stopping her from falling.

"Sorry- Oh, hello!" Kie said, smiling.

The boy nodded. "Hey."

Muzan turned back and nearly fell down. "Kokushibo?!" he said, shock filling his tone.

"You know him?" his girlfriend asked, confused.

Kokushibo nodded slowly. Then quickly shook his head. "No, nope, you must've mistakened me. My name is Michikatsu, sorry, bye!!" he said, looking almost scared. He shot a glare at Muzan then sped off in the opposite direction.

"That was odd," Kie said.

"Yeah, uhm, odd," Muzan agreed, nodding. He watched as Kokushibo ran off. Kokushibo... he could speak to him now.

~~~

"Fuck, where the hell is he?" Michikatsu grumbled, walking down the street.

"Kokushibo."

The voice pulled Michikatsu out of his thoughts and he looked up. Dread filled him instantly. Muzan.

"Yes?" he said quietly. There was no escape, was there? He couldn't leave as he was looking for Yoriichi.

"Kokushibo, you remember, don't you?" Muzan asked hopefully.

"I do. Why?" he said, realizing a second too late he should've pretended not to.

"Kokushibo, I'm sorry, please!! Please can we... can we try again?" Muzan pleaded.

"No."

"What?"

"No, no we cannot. You say you remember, then you must remember that you've cheated on me and that you don't even care," Michikatsu said, crossing his arms.

"But... I care now!!"

"Sure. Lies." He glared at him, anger filling his voice. "I could never care for you anyways." That was a lie too. He did care. But he didn't want to get into a one-sided relationship. Muzan was probably just doing this for show.

"Oh."

And that was all Muzan said because then, Yoriichi walked over.

"Michi!! I was looking for you everywhere," he whined.

Michikatsu turned around gratefully. "Yoriichi!! Finally! I was trying to find you too," he said, laughing.

Muzan blinked. Oh. Yoriichi.

Yoriichi noticed Muzan, then, and his eyes narrowed. "Michi, is he bothering you?"

Michikatsu considered denying it but then nodded. "Yes, he's, uhm, trying to date me."

"Get away from my brother," Yoriichi snapped. "We don't need your gay ass around us." He pulled Michikatsu's arm. "Let's go."

"Yeah, let's go," Michikatsu said, half relieved and half disappointed. For what? He knew not.

"Wait-!" Muzan tried, but the Tsugikuni's had already sped off.

An angry voice came from behind him. "Are you cheating on me?" Kie asked, crossing her arms.

"What?" Muzan turned, desperation suddenly filling him. Those words... not again.

"You're trying to date someone else? Are you really gay? Wow. The most bullshit I've heard in my life. You're literally dating a girl and then go off and find guy and try to date him?" Her voice grew louder with each word, fury rising in her throat. "I can't believe you!! I'm breaking up with you! I really thought I could trust you."

Muzan was speechless which Kie took as confirmation. She glared at him and then stalked off.

That...

Muzan blinked.

Fuck.

~~~

Yoriichi was making rice and Michikatsu stood watching him, his mind elsewhere.

Should he really have gone off and done what he had done? Or should he have let Muzan have a chance... Really, he wanted to have. He wanted to hold Muzan in his arms and believe that he meant the apologies.

But he also couldn't believe them. As much as he wanted to. Which was ironic, he knew, but it was... something he truly felt. And he hated himself for it.

"Michi? You alright?" Yoriichi asked, waving a spoon in front of his face.

"Huh? Oh! Yeah, sorry, I was just thinking," Michikatsu said, smiling.

"Alright, well, the food is done!"

Michikatsu picked up the plate that Yoriichi had made for him and sat at the table.

Had he really done the right thing? Or was he just unwilling to chance Muzan's supposed lies...?

~~~

Maybe he should've just let Kokushibo go.

Two rejections from the man he loved.

Well, fuck it.

Muzan found himself at a cliff then, not even knowing where he was. Had he walked this far? He'd been so consumed in his thoughts that...

No, maybe he'd gone here on purpose. To end himself. He clearly belonged in hell, and only in hell.

It wasn't like anyone cared.

Muzan looked down, noting how far the cliff dropped down.

Perfect. The impact would be just enough to kill him.

He smiled at it, a sort of bitter smile.

"I tried," he whispered, leaning forward and closing his eyes.

{Word count: 2900}

WELP

i finished this with a stupid headache and rushed writing BUT IT'S OKAY I THINk

I THINK IT WAS WRITING A.L.R.I.G.H.T. (that's me trying to convince myself it's not shitty for a rushed in one hour sort of writing)

Kie is totally not Tanjiro's mother :3

#kokuzan #kny #kimetsu no yaiba #sillyness #demon slayer #angst #uppermoons #demons #angsty shit #muzan #muzan kibutsuji x kokushibo #yoriichi #the most angstiest thing i plan on writing in a while tbh bc i can't #help #im losing my sanity

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nanaoise08squad · 2 years

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Was it enough?

(Authors note: I haven't written fic in i want to say....almost 8 years now. But i've been getting back into writing a lot more recently and liking it. Demon Slayer is one of my favorites, and Kyojuro lives in my head rent free. He's my comfort character, which is why when this series of thougths woke me up at 3am, i could not keep this pain just to myself. Loosely, my brain started to think about kyojuro's last moments...about him thinking about his loved ones. I saw a Tik Tok with this song and Kyojuro and it sent my mind down this POV rabbit hole.so, enjoy the angst i suppose. also, i know lyrically it's "brothers" not brother, but it fit better. CW: Canonical death, mentions of dying, just a lot of angst)

I'm sorry brother

I’m so sorry, Senjuro. I know this will be difficult for you. I know you carry so much guilt and pain, as much as I tried to take it from you. I wish I could be there for you always, to shield you against the cruel nature of this world as your older brother. I know you blame yourself for not training hard enough, not being good enough for flame breathing to manifest. You did everything right, Senjuro. I wish I could make you see that. Father….may never be able to tell you again that he loves you, but he does. We both do. And i'm proud of you, always. Destiny has something else planned for you, follow your heart's desire and do what you feel is right...You will be ok, I promise….You’ll have both mother and I watching over you now.

So Sorry Lover

I know i'm adored by many, I wonder how their hearts will handle this. I'm certain…kanroji will take this news very hard. She was the best Tsugoku i could have asked for, she truly is remarkable. I hope she continues to live proudly, to use what I taught her to protect others…. I hope she finds that love she’s always been looking for. I never experienced anything like what she described….i wonder what being in love would have felt like. Is it like a love of spring air after a long winter? Or the joy of seeing a friend after a long absence? Perhaps it’s the feeling of finding home in another person, true contentment.….at any rate….it’s not destined for me in this lifetime. Still, I am thankful to have known what it is like to be loved by others, and to care for them just as much. I pray my passing doesn’t burden their hearts.

Forgive me father

I should have done more. I should have been strong enough to lift you from your darkness and make you see that life was still worth living after mother’s passing. I trained my hardest to carry on your legacy. As much as you dismissed me….I know in your heart that some part of you must be proud. Before mother passed, you told senjuro and i that we carried with us generations of knowledge, that with that knowledge we would protect others by carrying on flame breathing. I did just that, I became the Flame Hashira. I’ve protected others to the best of my ability…but i’ve always felt in part that I failed to protect you from yourself. Please, be kinder to Senjuro. Forgive me for not fighting harder to help you…please find that spark again within you once more. Not just for yourself, but for Senjuro too…he will need you, now more than ever.

i love you mother

Your teachings never left me, I carried them forever with me in my heart. I tried to live by them to the best of my ability. I protected everyone on the train as best I could, i used the strength you saw within me to guide and protect so many. I never lost sight of the love you had for us, to make sure that Senjuro knew how much you loved him too. He said…he doesn’t remember your smile anymore. I do….because i got mine from you. I smiled every day, remembering how even in your last days you never stopped smiling or telling us how much you loved us….and I’ll be with you soon. I’m sure you’ll say it’s much too soon, but…I can’t wait to see you again…

can you hear the silence?

It’s quiet now. I can hear the sobbing of the boys surrounding me, but it is quiet. My last words have been spoken, were they the right thing to say? The constant ringing in my ears…it has finally stopped. It’s absence is almost….deafening.I’m thankful for it however, for the first time in years I believe I'm hearing the world clearly….and it is beautiful….and tragic for how short it lasts. The quiet sobbing starts to dissipate, becoming muddled..almost like i’m underwater and then…silence. True silence. It will not be long now. I wish i could have heard the sound of my friends laughing once more, the high note of a wind chime as it sways in the breeze. There is simply a silence now, a quiet prelude. It won’t be long now.

can you see the dark?

My vision is hazy, but I swear the sun has never shone so beautifully as it has this morning. Though I can't feel much pain anymore….i can still feel the warmth of the sun on my back….it's comforting. Its rays are fighting back the darkness seeping in and out of my vision. I can make out the blurry vision of the checkered haori before me, a bright silhouette i can't quite see yet forming behind him. The focus is leaving me, i know i don’t have much time left, that it will be over soon. I will miss seeing so many things in this world…

can you fix the broken?

The Kamado boy, he’s heartbroken. He’s badly injured. His friend’s are hurt too. Many on the train will need to heal not just their bodies, but their spirits as well. They’ll carry the scars and fear of this night for a long while….but i pray they can find healing. I pray they find a way to fix what is broken, that this will only be but a fleeting memory of an event they survived. I pray they find a way to move forward with their heads held high, to find things that make life worth living. Relish in happiness and joy for as long as it lasts. Live as though every day could be their last, to rejoice in the feeling of being alive. Find healing, my friends…

can you feel my heart?

It’s slowing down now….finally. I’ve done total concentration breathing constantly for so long now, I almost forgot what it was to have a slower heart rate. It’s…it’s like falling asleep very slowly. The world is shifting between darkness and a watercolor like haze…it’s taking so much longer than I thought it would. I’m glad, at least, I could get my message out before my lungs gave up. Truthfully….there was so much more i wanted to do. I had so much more to live for, to protect. Senjuro….Father….these boys….my allies….my friends…..i will miss you. But i did what i had to, I protected others. It’s what i was born to do…and i don’t regret it for a moment. The sun feels like it's cradling me now, beaconing me to sleep in it’s warmth. I am…so tired. I can sleep now i think…and… now she is here to guide me to rest at last….

~Mother, do you think i did it right?

#kyojuro rengoku #rengoku kyojuro #kny fic #fanfic #demon slayer angst #angst fic #kyojuro angst #i really do love him i promise i dont angst him all the time #im working on a non angsty fic!#Spotify

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