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hufflautia · 3 years

Text

A Hidden Darkness

A/N: I wish I had thought of this idea in time for Halloween.

Warnings: This story is a little creepy and has something to do with the supernatural. If you are not comfortable with that kind of stuff, avoid this fic.

Dedicated to @sophiexteresa; thank you for helping me out with British slang :’)

Summary: Slytherin notices that Hufflepuff is acting strange...a little too strange.

Boom!

Ravenclaw immediately drew back from the table, laughing as he pointed at Slytherin; the mini-explosion singed the edges of his hair.

“Bloody hell,” Slytherin grumbled, gingerly rubbing his slightly-burned face. “This game is a load of bollocks.”

He raised an eyebrow as he gathered the remaining cards. “Mate, you were the one who wanted to play Exploding Snap.”

“Yeah, because I wanted the cards to explode in your face.”

Ravenclaw rolled his eyes and grabbed a handful of popcorn, chucking it at him.

Slytherin managed to block the attack with his hand, but some landed on his shoulder. As he brushed the popcorn off, he suddenly felt something prodding at the back of his neck. It felt like someone was...sniffing his hair?

He turned around and saw Hufflepuff standing there, her face so close to his that he could feel her breath. “Hey,” he smiled, not registering the fact that it was likely she who just sniffed him. “Alright?”

Hufflepuff gave him a blinding smile and grabbed his hand. “I need you,” she replied, tugging him out of his chair.

“But I’m—”

“Playing cards with Ravenclaw? You can do that later.”

As she led him out of the Great Hall, Slytherin wondered how she knew what he was gonna say. He brushed it off quickly; she could clearly see what they were doing. However, something was definitely strange about her. Hufflepuff would usually greet Ravenclaw kindly if she saw him, but she barely spared him a second glance.

Hufflepuff came to a stop after they passed through the entrance of the Great Hall and turned to face him. “I need to ask you something.”

“Why couldn’t you just ask me before?”

“Because Ravenclaw was there.”

He frowned and said, “But you’ve never had a problem with him before.”

She made a face at him. “He’s an ickle know-it-all. Should’ve socked him in the face, I should.”

He was taken aback—Hufflepuff never behaved like this. She was always sweet and kind, but she was the complete opposite now.

“What’s up with you,” he asked. “You’re acting like a completely different person. And ickle? You’ve never said that before.”

She glared at him. “People change, Slytherin. Besides, I didn’t bring you out there just for you to berate me.” Her tone was calm, but Slytherin could sense the repressed hostility hidden beneath her words.

She seemed to realize that he was staring at her strangely because, in the next moment, she suddenly straightened up and smiled at him widely. "But no reason to fuss about it any longer," she cooed in an oily voice, pinching his cheek. "You're here now, and that's all that matters."

Slytherin studied her face and immediately picked up on the fact that her smile was forced. "Right then," he said slowly, still put off by her demeanor. "What was it you wanted to ask?"

Her expression immediately darkened, and she stepped forward. He fought the urge to take a step back. What was going on with him? This was his girlfriend he was dealing with. She never meant any harm...so why did he feel so uneasy? Her next words sent chills down his spine.

"Would you be able to tell if someone—no, if something were to possess my body?"

Slytherin stared at her, hoping that she would crack a smile and burst out laughing, saying that it was just a prank and she successfully fooled him.

However, she did no such thing. Instead, she stared at him with those dark eyes that he usually found endearing, but there was a coldness to them. An emptiness.

"I..." He trailed off, unsure of what to say. What could he say? A feeling of discomfort festered within him, and he spoke again. “Uh, maybe? I think it'd be obvious if you started climbing on the walls or something.”

Nodding, Hufflepuff seemed to mull over his answer before her face broke into a huge smile. “Alrighty then.” She suddenly plucked a piece of popcorn that had been lying in the collar of his shirt and popped it in her mouth. “Can I watch you play Exploding Snap with Ravenclunk?”

“I thought you didn’t like Ravenclunk.”

“I wanna see the cards explode in his face,” she shrugged.

Slytherin hummed a laugh, momentarily forgetting how unusual she was acting, and began leading her back into the Great Hall. He felt a tug at his hand and turned back, only for Hufflepuff to smash her face onto his.

The kiss was rough and sloppy, an alarming contrast to how they normally kissed. Drawing his bottom lip between her teeth, she bit down hard enough to make him pull away abruptly. He gingerly touched his lip and found his fingers to be stained with blood. He looked back up at her, shocked.

A bit of his blood smeared across her teeth, she smiled coyly. “Sorry,” she said, not sounding sorry in the slightest bit. “You know I get carried away sometimes…”

Slytherin didn’t respond and simply stood there like a statue, face awash with horror as he stared at her.

“I’ve gotta go now. I have lots to do today.” With that, she ambled away, leaving Slytherin standing there and looking as if he had just seen a ghost.

Hufflepuff wandered through the corridors, letting her hands brush against the cobblestone wall as she inhaled the sweet smell drifting from the Kitchens.

I have to admit, the voice cackled. This is quite luxurious. It’s interesting to be human for once. Smell, taste, touch. I have much to explore.

Please, Hufflepuff begged, trapped within the confines of her body against her own will. Let me go!

Peeves laughed gleefully inside her mind.

But I’m having so much fun.

FIN.

Check out my masterlist! | Kind comments and reblogs are most appreciated :)

Author’s note:

This may be my least favorite fic out of all that I have written. Last night, when I was writing it, I didn’t feel happy and a part of me wanted to discard what I wrote so far because I was like “jessica this is so dumb” but I didn’t wanna throw out what I wrote so far. I’m not even sure if Peeves is able to possess someone’s body, and after I finished writing, I thought “well what if I keep it ambiguous and it’s just some random demon?”. However, I had done some research on how Peeves talks, hence the “ickly”, and I didn’t wanna take out the hints of Hufflepuff not really being Hufflepuff. In addition, it doesn’t seem very hogwarts-like or harry potter related if it were just a random demon. That’s why I thought Filch to be the best option. I thought of this idea yesterday when my sister was acting creepy while we were in the bathroom in the morning. I was brushing my teeth and she was on the toilet, and she straightup looked at me with dead eyes and asked “Would you be able to tell if a demon possessed me?” and I was like

She was twitching and everything, and as I was walking out of the bathroom, she came up right behind me and SNIFFED MY HAIR. Yea, so that was my inspiration for this fic. My initial idea for the ending was that as Hufflepuff walks back with Slytherin to the table, her eyes glow a little and she smiles wickedly. However, I was like hmmmm what if she bits his lips and he bleeds a little?.. Yea, don’t ask me why I thought that. I don’t think I would ever write a fic that includes that bit because slytherpuff doesn’t have that rough-love type of vibe, so I just thought, oh whatever might as well do that now when I have the chance.

In other news, happy March! This is gonna be the month in which I get the rest of my college results and I am a little nervous. Also, I’m going to go on a hiatus because I feel myself going down a spiral right now and it’s likely because my period is coming😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀What fun, am I right??? I get bad PMS, so I’m just gonna leave and focus on my own wellbeing for some time because I tend to get depressed during my period. I might write a bunch of stories and then come out from the dark and then post consistently. I think I am kind of posting consistently already; I have never posted as many fics as I had in February, which is interesting and hopefully not a once-in-a-lifetime thing because I’m done with the college process but now I also have to deal with my own issues in terms of mental health and stuff. It sucks but I will get better.

I hope you enjoyed reading this fic. Let me know what you think!

Tags: slytherpuff-shenanigans @axieleration @sunnniiee @just--another--bean @determinedpines @zenobiagrace @asterinflower @cinnamon-roll-unicorn @mossy-axolotl @dumbbitch11 @hitchhiker-of-the-galaxy @notsowiseravenclaw @arianatorpotterhead @eatacrackerandstop @luciferswife16 @walkinganomaly @asunshinepuff @lewispoolerpayton @adreameratdawn @thewitcheswords @oncergleekpotterhead @princessstoopid @stardustzainy @flvrqnce @multi-fandom-nutjob @eunnieah @iamahufflepuff @1hufflepuff @introvertedrae @princessstoopid @jasminedayz @magnoliamermaid @HOPEFUL-HUFFLEPUFF-PEEVES @peanut-in-the-goal @pufflehuff929 @sophiexteresa @da-fox-rangerrr @dawinehouse @shipping-book-keeper @xxavaloraxx @silverhetdanes @im-a-solanum-lycopersicum @elegantcroissantplaidpony @theoriginaljohnwatsonsblog @theoriginalsherlockholmesblog @vickeyunicorn @arianatorpotterhead @hmilkwhoney @simpering-simpleton @grandcyclecreation @sweetinvisiblewriter @marvelenthusiast10 @mvlpksvthisht @qiaopa @beardedhumanoid @jadefox05 @justanotherperson @inkedintothepaper @minty-malfoy @trippy-morgan @fangirlgeekandfreak @boilyourteeth @absentmindeduniverse @colettedelaurel @halfelven1 @happy-puff @coloring-bud @in-love-with-remus-lupin @autumnpleaves @crakencc @flyme--tothemoon @hedgepuffgirl @littleemotionalpanda @pancakes-and-sugar @korra4321 @aquietkindofthunder @qixnsriess @porksoba @thatfann @hellounicorn @i-have-a-bad-feeling @aasa2102 @zuko-28 @annie-mcl @clementines-x @writtenfoxscreams @randomwriter23 @cryingabtwandavision @coolninjavoid @urfaveslytherin @malfoys-demigod @tumlbr-trasher @violayaxley @wolfpack-arts-industries99 @zainieees-stuff @milk-leaves @priii @capt-sparrow @blueberry-9-pancakes @stressy-depressy

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wexhappyxfew · 3 years

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Hey! I know you are currently not doing any ask game so I hope you don’t mind me dropping by! Anyways, my question: what is something you wish someone would ask you about your story? (Whichever one).

Hope you are having a wonderful day🧡

KATYA! HELLO MY FrIEND!! :D omg AWE!!! It’s always okay to stop on by the ask box, i woke up and saw this and AH GOSH i smiled so wide seeing it truly, it meant the world to me and all day i’ve been playing around with how i want to answer it and OMG IM SO HYPE FOR THIS TRULY YOU HAVE NO IDEA!! i hope you’re having a wonderful day yourself katya - you deserve it ah!!! :) Landslide has many, many little things that I’ve put in for me, along with dynamics and plot points...and just SO MANY FUN THINGS THAT I ENJOYED!!! just so many that i really love - so let’s get into it!!

I’ll put it under the cut, just because this got longer than I thought it would be! LOL!!

I have discussed this previously, through a variety of ways, but this is my 3rd Band of Brothers fic, 4th published book in the fandom! And I really wanted to let it be different and really just step way outside of the box, really just see what I can work with, what I can actually make work - all that sort of stuff.

I really enjoyed a SOE Agent’s dynamic with Easy Company, like entirely LOVE THAT, but I wanted to elevate it a bit more to see where I could really sort of wiggle an OC in - and it came to me. I always felt the Warsaw Uprising was extremely important in terms of the war, especially as the Polish Resistance was dubbed the most organized and effective resistance group under German power. AND SO - Landslide was born!!

Something about this story is - we don’t focus inherently on Natia and Easy right away - there’s 19 chapters of intense and deep context of her time BEFORE Easy. It’s all things I really tried to strategically plan out in many senses. Everything that occurs in those 19 chapters are backstory and context for actions and words and interior dialogue later. Things she might end up referencing later - so that whens he arrives with Easy, it’s almost like you’re meeting Easy Company for the first time too in sort of a new light.

I also wanted to explore some sides of characters in Easy Company that you might not normally see - specifically Captain Richard Winters (and to say a few people didn’t seem pleased about it, was fine by me to be quite honest AHAHAH!!!). This was all strictly off depiction throughout the series, not the real Winters, and so I really tried to pull smaller scenes of his leadership side, his firm side, his side that I feel can maybe sometimes be overlooked if that’s the way to put it(?). SO - Captain Winters in Landslide has quite the rocky start with Natia and vice versa - but I feel what I really love about that is, both Natia and Winters are leaders, but leaders in different ways.

I tend to compare it with the Alpha and the Lone Wolf.

From the beginning, Natia was whom I referred to many times as a lone wolf and many ideas that encompass her is this idea of a lone wolf, and I knew it many ways when she first met Easy, she’d be an outsider to them. Trust would be hard, especially with the war, and tension would be quite thick and impulsiveness and emotions were bound to follow after. So, having Natia and Winters have this sort of tension growing between them with two very different forms of leadership was something I wanted to play with. Winters grew and trained with these men who turned into brothers. Natia lost everyone she ever loved whenever she was in charge and the trauma keeps her from wanting to ever really have to lead anyone but herself. Clearly, teamwork is not her best expertise and she is not a crowd favorite in any sense. But really, she has no choice but to stay with them for her safety, for her country and for the people of her country (quite a constant thought!).

Episode 5 really gave me a lot of freedom to be able to create at least a chunk of chapters that are focused in between the end of Episode 4 and the beginning of Episode 5 and that allowed me to really just explore dynamics between characters and approaches to certain situations not presented in the actual episodes of the show. I did research on what occurred after Operation Market-Garden specifically for this portion of the story and if I’m being honest it has to be my exact favorite part of the story.

I have entitled Part 2, Portrait of a Spy and we really dig deep into Natia and her connection with Easy Company.

And one of the most important things about Natia is she has depression and at times it rages pretty severely more than anything. I always felt mental health was important especially because one article I read for research talked about how severe the mental health issues were after World War 2 especially and I felt that was just so important to discuss and depicting Natia with depression (and some cases severe) was the route to go! Elizabeth Elliot in TSOS and AAPA has ADHD (defined as a hyper kinetic disorder during WW2) and so I really wanted to represent depression here, which is very relevant to Natia at the moment in this story!

So portions of this part really dig into Natia and her mental health and her log of interior thoughts and dialogue that really become a huge part of her life and effect her GREATLY. I reference it sort of as a warping because the war, is ultimately problem #1 and super important, but where we are now, Natia just wants to get home. Yet she has to combat her mental health which arguably is crippling more than anything. Part 2 is really a focus on the importance of mental health and how it affected people, especially in war and especially someone like Natia. The list of things that really sort of built up around her that caused this (I would name them, but SPOILERS LOL!!!) and it really were things that that I had to flesh out and get the details just right.

One of the most prominent things on this list is her parents’ death - I feel that remains more than anything the #1 instigated for who she is today. Of course, Agent Mortem and his training, which did nothing but bad things, is a close second, but her parents’ death is #1. She was 18, she was only just arriving into early adulthood, she still had a life ahead of her and then war was what stopped it all. She states how 4 days after the Germans invaded, her parents were killed because they were Cultural Elitists for Warsaw, Poland and (I have a full explanation in a historical note on a few chapters) but there was a list 2 years prior to war by the Germans of all the Cultural Elitists. Her parents were on that list. And to say it’s a moment she references quite often is an understatement. And this is just one of MANY, MANY things from the early days of war.

Ok, this turned into a big ramble fest of overlapping things, so I’m sorry about that LOL!! I got into it and the question is very enabling so thank you for that Katya aha!!! I don’t want to get to long-winded and I can always answer specific questions again in asks or DMs as well!! :D Thank you so much for this, getting this yesterday was a joy to wake up to and I finally got it down to what I wanted to talk about! So truly thank you!! <3

#katya!!! THANK YOU AHHH!!! <3 #this was truly so much fun to do just to ramble about thing!#those are the best truly :D #you have some winters v natia info with leaderships ideals #trauma for natia of early war #discussion of mental health and depression on natia's part which is highly important!#landslide #band of brothers #bob fic #natia filipska

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vaguelygeiszlerian · 4 years

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1 to 40 please OwO

rhhgjtghenrhg avery is that you (im chucking these under a readmore, i just did some so im not doing them again, there WILL be context so prepare to read)

your favorite song everyone who knows me even a little bit knows my favorite song is take on me by aha! https://open.spotify.com/track/2WfaOiMkCvy7F5fcp2zZ8L?si=Y-PQBNsYSFe30n4l-XILsw

the first song you remember loving the very first? well if i can’t do take on me again, you get... hm. well there’s two, so i’ll give you the not embarrassing one. bohemian like you, dandy warhols, a song 2 year old [redacted] went wailing round the house singing. https://open.spotify.com/track/0yEhNqCwEfy8LHUmnZoHpP?si=UDGKtdX-Qwiy2mUP88Xlbg

a song that reminds you of summer done!

a song you haven’t heard in years behind blue eyes, limp bizkit, before you say anything, and i know you will, this song is a depression song and i stand by my love for it https://open.spotify.com/track/1MTQHCpraD4S8g5PAFKzoj?si=vD8m_yjlRoq3bRd1hvQU1A

a song you can relate to right now? well, i’m mostly plucking songs from my ‘real ass bops’ playlist, if you want the one that reflects today’s jordan, you’re in for a grim treat! despicable by grandson https://open.spotify.com/track/5IPT4Noqvo7bsfbWUOHcG4?si=Cp4O-5WdS0-ZqfxxWVR01A

a song that reminds you of your favorite book ooh, i think i have a good one for this, my favorite book of all time is the taking by dean koontz, ask me why sometime, it’s a good read! it’s the end of the world as we know it (and i feel fine), r.e.m https://open.spotify.com/track/2oSpQ7QtIKTNFfA08Cy0ku?si=nfVjPGY7QaGH26uAz-88_A

a song that makes you want to dance right now? two trucks, lemon demon, don’t ask https://open.spotify.com/track/1s5A0u1dnAeVNur5nPkCpD?si=HLZERdMDQnqBxGnj31Lx3g

the best song from your favorite album heart’s a mess, from gotye’s ‘like drawing blood’, his second studio album, which is my absolute fave of all three proper ones he did, even if his first had some really amazing tracks, and making mirrors had some good ones, there’s nothing like learnalilgivinanlovin, or a distinctive sound, or, as i said, heart’s a mess! https://open.spotify.com/track/4tFkgfdi8b3aNcKNthPqIF?si=nDJafKn8QYmEgdqmlN4y4A

a song that makes you want to cry all songs make me wanna cry, but first that comes to mind is black friday (from the black friday musical soundtrack), because as an older sibling with a younger sister that the world doesn’t understand (that i don’t understand sometimes) the little aside about hannah makes me cry every single time https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAZgYL0p2zk

a song that makes you feel young the distance, cake, it’s a song i listened to pretty much from my formative years til about... well, yesterday actually! never ceases to make me feel like im a good 15 years younger haha https://open.spotify.com/track/0fsz7tJ7UKXT9hliLfO7aE?si=caOsrX_fT4u9qARZKWSqfQ

a song that means a lot to you la vie en rose, edith piaf. i was (still am) a romantic sucker, and used to make all sorts of idealistic romantic playlists growing up, and i never knew the french (and i still dont (youre welcome em <3)) but the way she sang always made my heart tremble. and then bioshock infinite burial at sea came out, and i listened to that version of la vie en rose a million times, cried at a good half of them. anyway i love this song. https://open.spotify.com/track/3lAun9V0YdTlCSIEXPvfsY?si=zSRwBZ0AQnuyGGkjh2XmZw

the last song you listened to i’m in love with an e-girl, wilbur soot, the chorus of this song FUCKS my friends, honestly the whole song (and internet has ruined me, the sort of sequel) fucks https://open.spotify.com/track/44wBlg3Y1KSAEmaze5BXe7?si=u9mapV8STz6sqR3jg4XMiw

the last song you heard on the radio we don’t really do the radio in the car, and i dont recognise the songs on there these days anyway

the last cd/album you bought the black friday album actually! support starkid

a song to listen to on rainy days done!

a chill song no surprises, radiohead https://open.spotify.com/track/1bSpwPhAxZwlR2enJJsv7U?si=oVXsE5JiTxulLkevqL4hjA

an upbeat song push up, freestylers, ok so maybe we do listen to the radio sometimes, and i heard a snippet of this like two months ago and immediately added it to my playlist https://open.spotify.com/track/2PJq8Fr5i2S0OkcmFsTC1P?si=3K7q37zNRuCQIduRdApjWQ

a song that gets stuck in your head nobody by mitski, everyone knows that one though https://open.spotify.com/track/6bTn1ovliI0OkjUNkiMBJq?si=Vc-DUCl-RpyhRc6lcbpKgg

your favorite song from a movie somewhere only we know, keane, from my favorite scene in ‘he’s just not that into you’ which is one of my fave romcoms, ok you probably didnt need all that context, dont laugh https://open.spotify.com/track/0ll8uFnc0nANY35E0Lfxvg?si=Lov6MdiOTNGrxCiX6UdDZg

your favorite song from a musical inevitable, the guy who didn’t like musicals. i know the choreo, i know every part almost down to the pitch now, i spent hours practicing the kickline with my sister. jon matteson if you have a spare moment please teach me how to kick your legs that high https://open.spotify.com/track/2lQkaEvJa69QCzk3x6HgaA?si=QMRBYXPwRruOSU4_xBPdMA

a song that reminds you of the moon night, the altogether, no real reason here, its just got a lonesome ethereality to it https://open.spotify.com/track/3MKF7HCn6uD03jWcUB8k1R?si=gm8JKR1jQbS6Dh59WUuEwA

a song by your favorite artist/band i really can’t pick between radiohead and newton faulkner, so you get the best of both, 15 step and teardrop https://open.spotify.com/track/6dsq7Nt5mIFzvm5kIYNORy?si=9dEYby1PRKm8zozrCTGcjA https://open.spotify.com/track/7JpgJ7b5sjvo3fUfPcRlq1?si=pVfzoWtuTdO5OsbDgUnabQ

a song from the year you were born closing time, semisonic, one of the fucking best songs ever https://open.spotify.com/track/4EnkwZd0UJAuHpNMMemQaA?si=ASYNfnThR_m9kqFrloI9nw

the number one song on your birthday my heart will go on, celine dion, i guess titanic had just come out that year, but in my country, on my birthday, this was the number one, god help us https://open.spotify.com/track/33LC84JgLvK2KuW43MfaNq?si=HswubDCkQJ-x7-LM06PQUQ

your favorite love song i do adore, mindy gledhill, cliche at this point, i know, but my sister introduced it to me, played it on her ukelele, and i love her, more than i love most things, and it makes me smile even on a day where ive not done very much smiling at all https://open.spotify.com/track/6JNEDSev5Tp5VQR04SEBfV?si=BxnrZafFT3m4QkXNUN5GcA

your favorite christmas song baby it’s cold outside, lydia liza and josiah lemanski, it’s the funniest fucking song https://open.spotify.com/track/3xvFTqHmlMqKjHgczCGn2C?si=lgDMvUQZR-2lPXHINo2POQ

one song that starts with each letter of your name j: JT by jon bellion (https://open.spotify.com/track/1eftOUoeMO1JkSQQmS6jXF?si=h4yYMpXnTAiZPxJJUPv0DA) o: one more shot, spies are forever ost (https://open.spotify.com/track/0EgLq4ORQ6TMPN6rjWp3d6?si=mC3eDbJJRyCGN4fNAcbdlA) r: red signal, the mechanisms (https://open.spotify.com/track/2TWDxsjHx2rqtH197URbE8?si=XB8D-1N-SkKgmlTZOFbcfQ) d: dont judge me, janelle monae (https://open.spotify.com/track/6UQDIIEPzeduwXlZE86SOF?si=1bONXfj-SQiq79ibrXjC-A) a: as your father i expressly forbid it, lemon demon (https://open.spotify.com/track/29L9B2aDs2NhrQGbs8pf9M?si=CvVTbLtNTgGeL3iemrLVHg) n: night drive, gotye (https://open.spotify.com/track/3fuRfxHpC56uNFMOaOlMCm?si=PDAbEsi_SjK-EYDmTvjT6A)

two songs with the same/similar titles that you like i don’t care (fall out boy) / idfc (blackbear) https://open.spotify.com/track/13mM4hWNMH5KwMcwl81tXS?si=YOqg8tVXRQKXB3ANmDFjHQ https://open.spotify.com/track/6y6jbcPG4Yn3Du4moXaenr?si=CzyYs4b5QQ23azTqgv0iXw

a cover that you like better than the original song done!

a song with really good lyrics kick it up a notch, starship https://open.spotify.com/track/1r223IXiRxObMBNh3mcyWR?si=-RX3obwISfS_jk3JjzvaJg

a song with an amazing beat couple’s retreat, jon bellion https://open.spotify.com/track/7pMS0byKI7V1Mpl0SlWEDq?si=Xytu_HBrStq_zjKdia2oig

a song that you associate with the color yellow boys, lizzo https://open.spotify.com/track/1ITsmuChPVC05ogvorAyVu?si=hkoCz7ouQsyLKn8Q7KO92g

your favorite song with an action in the title (jump, dance, etc.) bite back, all american rejects https://open.spotify.com/track/4zJv4aXOIAepvhApOFoQeQ?si=qRtthyDlQvKGRErmkI8lDg

your favorite acoustic song heart is full, jon bellion https://open.spotify.com/track/6DvsjPkNcB4QoezDPtxsAB?si=vD18h70qSFG5xtrjpuy4XA

a song that motivates you take me home, country roads, john denver https://open.spotify.com/track/39q7xibBdRboeMKUbZEB6g?si=STNgdvZSQNSfqX9pENggSg

your favorite song you’ve heard live camisado, panic at the disco https://open.spotify.com/track/1LF5HQ32hztQWzADGH8ys4?si=VDjKcAo9TX-JA0kF6csqQA

a song that reminds you of your best friend ok so this one needs context (and an attached apology), when i think of best friends as a concept i think of tianna, and when i think of tianna, i think of sitting at the junior campus, huddled around my phone, tittering like twits over this stupid fucking song. (but honestly avery this applies to you too, you’re my best friend that isn’t emmy, i love you) enormous penis, da vinci’s notebook https://open.spotify.com/track/7dUCFnaGSWLH6SdDP08NLP?si=dH00DTxqTR2y3mAIEia9Lw

your favorite song from childhood radio/video, system of a down, the song my sister used to babble incomprehensibly loudly to whenever we played it in the car, the one i grew so used to i can literally hear it in my head as i type https://open.spotify.com/track/41pOIT2t1rvr2Trg1HQChZ?si=-Kyg8JSET2uDq0XGMICsMg

a song you always sing along to can’t sleep love, pentatonix, my sister and i’s favorite song to duet together, even if we haven’t quite worked out the proper parts for a two person acapella cover haha https://open.spotify.com/track/1klGbW5a9qTBFUjFfddbmU?si=Lm0FMpz5TVKddr82vUyf2w

your favorite song in a language different from your native one since i’m determined not to reuse songs, you get papaoutai, stromae (sorry about all the french, they bop babe) https://open.spotify.com/track/09TcIuH1ZO7i4vicWKoaN2?si=YTuHkj1DTgicqo7ZnqYJ0Q

#long post #but thanks much for the ask #why i keep on doing these huge lists is beyond me #Anonymous

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fuck-onionboy · 4 years

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hello again :)

hello to anyone actually reading this, sorry for slacking off yesterday, i’m bed ridden with a broken tailbone and got caught up in watching don’t fuck with cats. good ass show btw, i live in canada and still remember when it happened, but obviously dont watch if violence against animals triggers you.

so today i will be starting with a few things i missed in my last post, courtesy of this wonderful little document by @onioncritic, and this is a great starting point for anyone wanting to know of greg’s history of grooming and abuse, the first being greg’s attempt to kiss skye’s younger sister, alicia, when she was 15 and he was 18. did i mention she was drunk and 15?

netunesa is alicia, and afishinthepercolator is skye

another thing worth noting is that during their five-year marriage, greg forces skye to keep her hair short, and doesn’t allow her to wear skirts without shorts underneath, telling her she would get raped if she did. skye also accuses greg of spending 3 hours of tentacle rape hentai so he could “concentrate on the rest of the day”

so nothing new happens between now and 2010, when the music video for “i’m a banana” gets submitted to tosh.0 as “viewer video of the week” despite the objective stupidity of it, but the internet was a different place back then. greg BLOWS the FUCK up, and the legacy of “i’m a banana” doesn’t fully die down until 2016.

and so begins the shiloh era.

april 2010, enter shiloh, or patient zero as she’s known on twitter. now, many of you may not know this, and i did, but only made the connection recently, but shiloh was a bit of a canadian celebrity in the late 2000′s. she had a hit song, operator, which is a fucking bop, and im currently jamming to it, this has always been one of my favorite songs, and finding out greg did this to THAT shiloh just made me so much fucking angrier, and i just realized while writing this that the song released LITERALLY SIX MONTHS BEFORE SHE MET GREG, and the fact that he was able to tear her down from this so easily is just scary.

in april of 2010, shiloh is an underage fan of greg, who just turned 17. they would spend 6-10 hours on skype together a day, often with skye in the room. skye initially believed that shiloh was just a fan and a potential creator, and greg was mentoring her, but as time went on and they spent more and more time on skype together every day, skye began to suffer from severe depression.

on may 1st of 2010, greg makes a video detailing his and skye’s “health pacts,” which i already discussed in my previous post,

in june, greg threatens to divorce skye for the first time.

some time in december of 2010, greg shows shiloh the bogus divorce contract he wrote, which again, was already discussed in my last post. shiloh is still 17.

on december 24 2010, greg announces he and skye have been split up for a week now, and skye makes her last appearance on the onision channel the next day.

december 27th, greg hits a deer with his and skye’s car on his way to pennsylvania to meet shiloh. instead, he buys a plane ticket and meets shiloh in a hotel “next to the sandman.” the first words out of greg’s greasy little mouth to shiloh are “i can’t wait to get you pregnant.” shiloh is still 17.

now shiloh has actually talked about this event in detail on twitter, which you can see down below, but im out of spoons for tonight so this is all i can write but later shall be the story of when shiloh and greg actually lived together.

#onision #anti onision #anti onion boy #anti onion man #anti o #shiloh #coolguykai #onision abuse #fuck onision

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jodywegner · 5 years

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A bad day. (I just need to rant into the abyss of the internet)

I’ve never actually left work early for a bad day before. But I felt that today if I didn’t, I’d end up embarrassing myself and ruining all of my relationships with my coworkers or better yet end up in the HR office. It was just an accumulation of a few too many small things that have been building up for months while I’m emotionally vulnerable.

I also know that none of my coworkers will ever see this post. But even if they do, I doubt they were aware of my feelings. The worst part is that nothing is really anyone’s fault. There’s no bad guy, and that makes it all the more frustrating, and that finally came to a head today. Because I can’t chew people out for doing nothing wrong. Sorry for the long post. Lotta resentments getting bottled up.

So context. 1. My grandfather has been in declining health for a while now. This isn’t very upsetting for me. He’s in his mid 90s and lived a full life. We were all provided for and everything is taken care of. For me, it feels more like a natural thing that is now finally happening. My aunt and my father have been fighting for years over different things, but my grandfather’s declining health has definitely rekindled the flames of war. 2. I work in TV animation production, and my goal is to become a storyboard artist. I’ve made that goal clear. I’ve asked for tests but I can never get any. I’ve asked for feedback and no one has given me any. The shining star of this was my boss giving me 5 long minutes of not quite saying “it’s not good enough.” I figured he was busy and didn’t want to hurt my feelings. He did say that if he hadn’t hired our then current revisionist, he’d love to have me start as one. Since then, he’s hired 4 more revisionists who have come and gone for different reasons. 3. I don’t think I draw that fucking bad. I’ve been told my artists I work with “why don’t you have an art job yet?” which the answer is “because no one will fucking give me one when I ask and you guys aren’t in a position to.” (they mean it as a compliment but it just really keeps bringing me down whenever I fail) And there are a lot of people my age getting art jobs while I’m not and yah I’m not that old but it’s very stressful and discouraging regardless of logic and optimism. 4. My intern this last semester showed my boss a sample board and got extensive notes and feedback and was offered freelance revision work even though she’s still a junior in college. She’s 3 years younger than me and was here for 2 months. My boss literally walked into my office then started talking to her in the adjacent cube over the wall about how good she is and the upcoming freelance revisionist work. And I have to sit there quietly and pretend it’s not killing me. 5. I’m lactose intolerant. 6. I guess I’ve been suffering from job related depression for the above reasons. Nothing major, I’m not suicidal, but I’m definitely very unhappy and going to work is definitely not a fun or even neutral experience anymore. It’s hard because the correct answer to my problem is “git gud’ and we all know how NOT FUCKING HELPFUL that is. Today 1. I get a text from my parents at 6 am telling me that my grandfather has passed away. We went over yesterday to say our goodbyes expecting him to pass either today or tomorrow. We left at around 8pm and asked my aunt to call us when he passed and that we’d come over. So my parents find out that he passed away at 6 am today. From a third party that isn’t even FUCKING RELATED TO US. Apparently my grandfather had passed away 10 minutes after we left yesterday, and she decided not to let us know. We had to find out through some other person offering my father his condolences. 2. Well the two coworkers I am closest with were late for miscellaneous reasons so I kinda had to keep #1 bottled up for 2 hours. 3. When things happen, I bluster and storm for the first hour before calming down and becoming rational. So I’m sitting at my desk all morning trying my best to keep my shit together because I’m absolutely fuming and was (forbid) by my mother to retaliate. She’s not wrong but there’s a lotta stress and emotions here. (3.5. Although I was directly forbid retaliation, I still went ahead and planned it anyways because it was a mildly constructive use of my stress. DM me if you want to know how to ruin someone’s entire week and never get caught.) 4. I took some Lactaid 30 minutes before I decided to finish my leftover mac n cheese from the fancy food truck yesterday as breakfast. Yah the Lactaid didn’t work at all for some ungodly reason... It’s 9am and I’m in a lot of pain both physically and emotionally now.... 5. So one of my favored coworkers finally beats traffic and gets in so I go to talk to her about all of this. I immediately get cry-y. Which blah blah blah crying is part of grieving but I can do that later. It’s not great when I’m at work because crying opens up the floodgate of emotions and the near impossible task of re-wrangling them under control is now daunting. Emotional fortitude -50. And people just kinda didn’t notice that I was crying and upset and not very quietly recounting this horrible morning story. They kinda walked right by. Not a single person other than that one coworker (and my other favored one who came in a bit later) offered me any condolences or asked about how I was doing of if I was ok. It’d be one thing if that happened and no one was around and I regained my composure. BUT I DIDN’T. 6. That fucking intern (who’s a nice person but god I wish they’d stop existing in my life. It’s fucking petty but today is really the worst day for it so fuck it I’m saying it.) is coming in for a big storyboard meeting between all the board artists, revisionists, and supervisors. So I had to see her and pretend to smile and be pleasant and supportive while I’m emotionally compromised, grieving, pissed, and now petty and jealous all over again. So I get that out of the way and I sit back down and get to work. 7. The other coworker I like to talk to comes in. She was a former intern who also wants to be a board artist so we try to help each other in our endeavors together. She’s an optimist. She says that she’s going to ask if she can sit in on the meeting and asks if I’d like to come along. Bless her outgoing-ness that I struggle with. But as much as I’d like to... that’s a room full of people who either forgot that I want to be a board artist, don’t care, or are straight up ignoring me about it and keep doing and saying all of these unintentionally hurtful things to and near me. Also that fucking intern is there. Also I’m pissed. Also I’m emotionally distraught. So I declined her offer. Even if I could get something good out of that meeting, I’m pretty sure I would have just had a breakdown in the corner. So I didn’t want to embarrass myself like that or make people feel uncomfortable for doing their normal business. 8. So by this point I’m sure I’m going to be snippy or mean or start crying in front of people, so my goal was to finish my most important task and leave at noon. I finish, I grab my bag to leave. As I do, they all get out of their storyboard meeting and bluster past me because they are now late for seeing the storyboard trainee program final presentations. GREAT. 9. Another production coworker of mine comments on how its important for them to go in case they see anyone they’d like to hire as a revisionist. I fianlly hit FUCKIT and say “IM GOING HOME.” And so I go to walk to the elevators. 10. I chose the wrong time to walk to the elevators because everyone in that meeting is waiting at the elevators to go look at the storyboard trainee presentations and scope out the new talent. They’re in too much of a busy mind to notice that I’m about to cry and am probably glaring with white knuckles as I clutch my bag. Luckily for me the elevator is full and I have an excuse to take the next one and not theirs. A part of me wished that they would say “come on in! i’m sure you can fit!” But... stuff like that never happens with them. No one goes out of their way to include me in things. So... whatever. Maybe I’m just being negative trying to find the bad in every little thing, but this is a rant so I’m going to do just that because fuck the consequences of people liking me and thinking I know how to adult properly. 11. I’m driving home and get a message from my coworker (glanced at a long red dont arrest me pls wait till tomorrow) saying that the intern asked if I had sent her intern evaluation to her school yet. I did. A few weeks ago. This isn’t really a bad thing it’s just that I was finally fucking free and just about to not have any reason to keep it together but then BAM. Intern shows up in my life again. Right after I though it was all over. A little god damn poke. Now So I managed to drive home without crashing into buildings or furiously honking and I am now just holding my cat and typing this. I’m pretty sure none of my coworkers will ever see this. A part of me wishes they would and that maybe they’d care, because I really don’t want to have to start a conversation specifically about all of this with them. Who the hell starts a conversation with: “By the way boss, can you please stop discussing giving the intern freelance work when I’m within earshot let alone in my god damn 6′x8′ cube?” “Hey boss, remember when I asked you for feedback and got none? Why does the intern get your full attention when you are even busier?” “Hey boss, why have you hired 4 more revisionists when you said that’d you’d love to have me as one? Did you forget? Were you just lying to me because you didn’t know how to give me feedback? Did you even care about what you say to me?” “Hey intern, I understand you are excited and this is a great opportunity for you, but can you please read the room at least a little because I want to cry every single time?” “Hey everyone, I want to be a board artist remember? REMEMBER?” ”Hey everyone... I’m an artist too.” “Hey everyone, can anyone just give me a little help?” ”Hey everyone, if I keep my purse stocked with your allergy medications, pain killers, band aids, digestive relief, girly goods and keep good snacks around and remember your schedules and try to make your jobs easier and serve as your primary IT person...will you remember that I’m here?” “Hey everyone, do you all dislike me or do you all just not care enough to notice me?” They’re all good people, but it’s not stuff that I really know how to say just out of the blue. So today... I just couldn’t stand being even in my own cube anymore. I’m not an outgoing entrepreneurial person who bugs people everyday trying to sell themselves as an artist. I’m someone who tells you my intentions, and asks for help, and then believes people when they tell me sorry they’re busy, that they wish they could help, that they’d love to have me if only not for “x”. No one is entitled to give me a job or help me. But... I don’t get why I’m the only one who gets nothing for a response when I do ask. If they were busy, that’d be fine. But since then things have gotten busier, and my boss personally worked through multiple iterations of my intern’s practice board with her. A good piece of advice I got was that your first 5 tests are awful...but I can’t even get anyone to give me my first one. I’m told to work hard and “git gud”. But it feels like I’m just bashing my head against a brick wall, and no one even acknowledges the effort. It feels like if I decide to stop doing that because I’m about to have a breakdown, I’ll be looked down on as a quitter and not passionate enough. I have passion, but all of this is 100% killing it, and I don’t want to hate art. I really don’t. But I’m starting to. It’s hard for me to enjoy it when now it’s only done to seek attention and approval that I’ll never get from these people. Today would have been difficult still, but not unbearable if not for that. My grandfather’s death isn’t a tragedy for me. He was in pain for a long time and he definitely made the most of his life. The tragedy is that despite all of this, my aunt decided that my family didn’t deserve to know that our grandfather, my father’s father (who lives literally 5 minutes away by car), had passed. I’m definitely not looking forward to the memorial service for my grandfather. Not because the death is hard to deal with but because all of the family there is. Would love to make life terrible for my aunt. Would love to be just as petty. I have so many colorful things to say and do. But ultimately none of that matters. It’s just death. Nothing changes it or adds a new flavor to it. So all of that anger and hurt just kinda snowballed today. And to top it all off as I’m typing this some asshole is beating a dog somewhere in the neighborhood and the dog is screaming and yelping. (called the police so hopefully they find them) Thanks for reading this long negative rant. I hope it helps anyone who is feeling similarly frustrated, because I dont have someone around who’s breaking down quite like I am so this is all I have. Shooting it into the internet in a passive aggressive attempt and chance that maybe someone who needs to read it will. Positive news: I watered my plants with the extra time. I hugged my cat. I will be returning with art for Mermay.

#bad day #rant

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dangsyd · 4 years

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1. first feelings

Dear my best friend, my love, my baby Dru,

This is all so hard.

When I made this decision to keep my wonderful baby Dru, you, I tried my hardest (along with the help of my S.O) to fish out ALL of the cons. Mommy and Daddy were both under 22, in college, no jobs. A baby was the furthest thing from our minds. Seems like such a bad idea to have a baby then? Well, it is. I don't think it's a good idea but I truly thought and still think that putting my self through such a loss, would destroy me. I've had depression since I was 11, I just started to feel better. Just started to feel like a normal human. Just got off of medication. Just started to go outside and talk to people and feel good about my self. Maybe it's selfish for me to think like this. But, if I didn't go through with this, if I didn't keep you, would it erase all the hard work I have been doing to make my self feel like a normal person? I was scared. I didn't want to go back into the dark pit, I didn't want to. Daddy said he would be there for me, which I believe 100%, but there was no way he could be with me 24/7 while I endure loss. I didn't trust my self to correctly deal with it on my own. I was so scared I'd loose my self again. I didn't want to be put back onto medication again. I just wanted to be normal, I wanted to function on my own. Daddy didn't see that. He didn't fully understand my mindset and how dark it can be at times. I couldn't do it. I talked about it all the time though. Words like: " Do what you want with your body, it's yours!" and " I'll just take the pill if it's true" Why was it so hard to make that decision? Why did I cry when the doctor told me that I was actually pregnant? Did I already have an unknown connection with a 5 week old embryo? It was so hard. I needed to talk with Daddy about it. I needed us to be on the same page.

At first we were on VERY different ends of the discussion. I was for keeping you and daddy was not for it at all. Not like he didn't want children, its just the way that he was raised. You go school, finish school, get a good job, THEN have a family. There was no other way than that. We butted heads a lot during June and July. It was hard. We've never had a disagreement that we couldn't work out on the same day, the same hour even. I cried a lot. I felt as if no one could help me. I felt alone and I wasn't sure what to do. My friends had no idea what I should do either. Other than "He's going to break up with you. Why would he stay with you? You're 18, should't you wait?" Nothing positive, which made things worse. I just wanted someone on my side. Someone to say " Yeah it's really bad timing but this is awesome!" I was trying so hard to find things to convince daddy that keeping you would be okay, the world, our lives, weren't going to end just because we have a baby.

We got through it. It took us a month of crying, and talking and being frustrated with each other but we got through it. I'm so happy for that. I'm happy because of you.

Between week 10 (when I found out how far along I was) and week 20, daddy still wasn't excited. He was more nervous and worried about everything else. Not that he didn't love me or you. But just he wasn't in the right mindset yet. Knowing this made it increasingly difficult to be happy during this wonderful time of being pregnant. I wasn't happy with my body, I didn't feel pretty anymore. And since daddy was feeling the way he did, he didn't make me feel any better. Which sounds terrible, I sound ungrateful. I just want to be honest on how I felt at the time and bluntly just tell it how it is. My body is changing in the worse way. Im gaining weight and my stomach is getting bigger. My biggest fears. It was hard, it still is.

Now, things are different. But in a good way? Kinda.

Daddy's mindset eventually got better. We are able to talk about how to raise you and what to dress you in. All the fun stuff I wanted to experience in the early stages of my pregnancy but I can't have everything in life. I just want to let you know that from the start, I've been fighting and trying. I've fallen back into my semi-lit pit. I can't sleep at night and I stay in bed for 12+ hours at a time. I'm sorry. I'm trying. I'm going out to work, I'm planning on going places. I hope you're growing fine and that my sadness doesn't hinder you. I don't eat well, I'm sorry for that too. I eat too much ice cream and sugar. Not enough veggies and fruit. But I love you! I can say that and I can try my hardest. I still feel very alone. I feel like I'm bothering daddy too much. I love him a lot and I want to be with him all the time. I hope I don't annoy him too much. I just love him.

Im struggling. I have no one to talk to. I'm tired and cold.

But I got my nails done yesterday.

I still haven't brushed my hair this week.

But I got dressed and went to work today.

I haven't had a fruit or veggie in days.

But I drink milk everyday so you can have strong bones.

It's hard not to list out all the bad things about myself. But you can see I've listed some good things! I will be the best mommy for you my love! Even though it doesn't look like that so far..

I love you! Daddy loves you!

11.13.19 27weeks.

#baby #27weekspregnant #love #daddy #chinese #drudang #self love #mentally drained #mental health

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imakemyownworld · 5 years

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When The Party’s Over pt.2

Part One

This is longish.

It is only a second part and Im setting some foundations for the fic therefore there’s not much of Ethan here but more of my (Bellas) struggles and relationship with Lucas. Somewhere in the middle of this I realised it was half biographical. I always had the strong urge to write about my own life and experiences as I never talk about them (as Bella) irl. I promise the next part will be all about E. :)

Also, if you do read this, please give me some critiques. I know it’s not nearly perfect and I would love to get some feedback. I just recently made this tumblr after being a fan of Gray and E for a good while now and I’m so happy I did. All the people I see here seem so genuinely interesting, funny, creative and nice. Thank you ! xx

Exactly one week has passed since I last saw Ethan. He sent me some messages but I didn't reply, I knew he was busy making a video and that he is going home tomorrow to visit his family for Thanksgiving. My family group chat was going crazy though. My sister who is living in Europe couldn’t book a flight and I wasn't replying to any messages. I just couldn't find the strength to do so, so I figured I'll just show up tomorrow morning, get through the weekend and come back.

I spent the rest of the day studying and scrolling through every possible social network then went to sleep ignoring every text I got.

I'm there in an hour. Xx I texted the group chat as I sat down in my car and turned the engine on. I skimmed through other messages. Ethan was complaining about something Grayson did and Ivy had boy issues. Did I want to see a text from Lucas? Sure, but I never expected one. It's Thanksgiving and everyone is with their families.

I met Lucas two years ago at a film festival in Los Angeles. I was there because I love cinema and Ethan managed to get me some tickets and Lucas was studying film at university near by. At that time I was probably at worst with my depression and anxiety as I just started taking classes at my university. He asked Ivy and me if we wanted to go to the after party and we didn't think twice about it. I never thought I would be someone who does drugs, I was always strongly against it. But he made it seem so normal. He was handsome, to me. He was skinny and every shirt was too big for him. Later I realised those shirts were fine before, but he lost weight. Still, there was something about him. He was mysterious, he loved photography and he talked about movies non stop. He acted cool but I could tell how passionate he is about things he loves. Both of us had something dark in us but neither one of us wanted to talk about it and we understood that about each other. From the moment we met and our friends started hanging out each other everybody already thought we were together. We would tease each other all the time while dancing and hanging around but since we were both kind of distant when sober we were scared to do anything about it. All until one night he kissed me. He kissed me like it was something we do all the time, but it wasn't. He didn't acknowledge it the next day and I remember freaking out about it with Ivy. Next time I saw him it took me every singe atom of bravery in my body to ask him about it. I remember it like it was yesterday. I called him and we separated from our friend group, we walked along the beach in Venice on a chilly summer night.

“Do you remember that we kissed?” I asked him in the middle of his sentence. He froze for a bit and then he made the grimace I couldn't decipher.

“No” he said quietly “When?” he was looking at me and I could tell that he felt horrible. I tried to look as if I don't care and I was ready to brush it off.

“At the club, last weekend. It’s fine, I just wanted to clear that up. I wasn’t sure if you didn't want to acknowledge it or just don’t remember” I turned around to get back to where our friends were.

“Stop” he took my hand and I felt relief “Im really sorry. You know how I am, I go overboard sometimes and I do things...” he stopped talking. Do things he usually wouldn't? If so, I didnt want to hear about it. I pulled my hand from him.

“...do things I would usually be scared of doing” he said almost painfully. Knowing him today, I know how hard that must have been for him. After that things started heating up between us two. We were never together, we knew that would never work out as we couldn’t communicate normally when sober. But we silently cared about each other, even though we never said it out loud.

At that festival after party we were dancing when he handed me half of the pill and kissed my cheek. I looked at it for a while then looked at him. He was dancing and smiling, seemed so carefree. If someone told me a month ago I would be holding that in my hand I wouldn’t believe them. Even then it looked so wrong in my hand. And then I took it and it was the best night of my life.

We kept on partying like that every other weekend. We didn’t know much about each other but we also knew everything. We would take something then hook up and sleep for what seemed like hours, or minutes. Sometimes I was so out of it I didnt know if I was dreaming or not. We shared those times together, he was the only one I wasn’t ashamed to be around like this. He understood.

My dad opened the door for me and we hugged.

“Hello beautiful”

“Hi dad” he smelled like mom's cooking. I did miss them. “Smells nice in here”

“I feel like there's enough for the whole neighborhood”

I got in and the table was already set up. My mom hugged me and instantly started talking about my sister. How sad she is that she isn't here. I said something back quickly and sat down.

My parents were an unusual kind. They always had my back and supported me through everything as far as school and university go. But I was always the one who had to be home by midnight or not go out at all. I had to lie that I was having a sleepover so that I could go out and have fun with my friends. My mom still believes I never tried alcohol in my whole life and Im twenty. We were also never the kind of family that talked a lot about feelings and things going on outside of school. I could never talk about boyfriends with my mom or fights I had with my friends. This caused bottling a lot of emotions through my whole life. Ethan had to beg me to talk with him to find out why I was miserable at times. He was the one person I would actually tell what was going on. I never got along with my sister either, we were just two very different people and I always thought: If I met her randomly I would never want to be her friend. Seems harsh, but she was selfish and stubborn, always only looking out for herself and not giving a fuck if she was hurting someone else in the process.

Lunch was actually amazing, my mom made my favorite meals. They crashed on the sofa soon after and started watching some terrible movie and I went to check in my old room.

I must have fallen asleep while watching youtube because it was dark when I opened my eyes. I came down to the living room and heard mom and dad talking in the backyard. I took my moms phone to check the time.

I miss you. It said. William.

My head felt blank for a second. I quickly turned the phone back off.

William was my moms ex boss. I sat down and my head started spinning around. I combined the pluses and minuses, filled in the blanks. Things started making sense. My mom became very sensitive to anyone touching her phone a while back. Before, she never cared about it. I gathered strength and opened the message. It was the only one in the conversation, everything else was wiped clean. I quickly marked it as unread and put the phone back. Fuck.Is my mom cheating on my dad? My head started spinning even more. Poor dad. Should I tell anyone? I can’t tell anyone we can’t even say I miss you to each other let alone Are you having an affair? My poor dad loves mom with all his heart, he does everything for her and she was never truly in love with him. My sister and I realised since we were teenagers that mom acts cold with dad. She doesn’t like it when dad shows her any kind of affection.

“There you are!” mom barged in and I almost jumped in my seat. “You okay? Mike and I were just talking about going for a walk, you’re coming too”

“Ugh, I just woke up” I wasn’t sure I’m mentally ready for that walk.

“Exactly, you need to stretch”

The whole walk I was thinking about my mom. The time when I thought my mom was always in the right was long gone, but this was on a whole new level. How can I take her seriously ever again? She lost all the credibility. How can she pretend to be happy with my dad? If I told him about this it would ruin him. If I told her...Nothing seems like the right option. I don’t want my family to fall apart. We are a bit dysfunctional, but this seems like a scene from a movie and I cant take it. I had to get out of there.

When we got home mom brought us pie and turned on the TV.

“Guys, I’m sorry but I need to get back today. I have a seminar to write” I was nitpicking the pie on my plate.

“Write it here?” dad proposed and it seemd like a reasonable idea “You can take my laptop”

“Yeah but I don’t have my books. Sorry. I might come by next weekend if Emma books that ticket” I smiled at them. It was so natural for me to act like this around them. I was hiding things from them my whole life.

My mom argued with me for a while but she soon realised my mind was set. When the movie finished I took some clothes from my old closet and said goodbye to them. I felt so sorry for my dad, I hugged him tightly and he even said I love you to my ear. I haven’t heard that sentence in months.

I dialed Lucas’s number while driving down the highway.

“Hey danger” he answered almost immediately.

“Hey. Happy Thanksgiving. What are you up to?” I tried to seem chill but my voice was almost cracking.

“Uh, not much. Classic Thanksgiving laying around”

“You up for a sesh?” I was always afraid of him declining me which is why I was rarely the the one to ask him stuff like this.

“What, now? What’s wrong?” he asked that in the most monotone voice but I knew it meant a lot coming from him.

“Lucas.” I sighed and my voice broke down at the end of his name. He was silent for a moment.

“Pick me up. Im sending you the location”

I felt relieved. We haven’t hung out alone in a while and I missed it. I needed an hour to get to him, he was at his parents place. The house was actually very pretty. I know his parents are divorced and his mom remarried, he doesn’t talk about them much but I get the feeling she is worried about him and he doesn’t like that. And now I’m dragging him out on a Thanksgiving weekend. Suddenly I felt even more terrible.

Lucas sat in the car and I was just looking through the windshield.

“Bro, what happened?” he took the aux cord and connected his phone.

“I just realised I dragged you out and you were with your family and it’s Thanksgiving.”

“Yes. Because I love spending quality time with my perfect family. Come on, there’s not a lot of dealers working on Thanksgiving you know that?” Soundtrack 2 my life started playing through the speakers. He loved that song and it made me depressed. After that, he never once asked what had happened, he knew better and I appreciated it.

“Dealers? I have everything in my flat”

“Not this” he smiled devilishly to me and typed in the address in his phone.

“So in one hour you managed to find the guy? Seems to me like you were just waiting for my call. What are we taking?” I was driving down his neighborhood. We were the only people on the street.

“Been waiting on this for a while. You’ll see”

The address wasn’t that far away. I parked and he left, came back two minutes later.

“Church?”

Church was the most trashy techno club in the area, it was a dump but it was always open and the atmosphere was always great.

We parked near the club and started drinking rum that he brought from his place. I was doing my makeup with the help from his flashlight and my front camera. I took the cropped top from the back of the car and put it on. I felt wrong to be happy at this moment but I was. I was with him and I knew we were going to have fun.

“You gonna tell me what it is now? You know I’m not doing heroin or anything like that”

“Jesus. Of course not” he pulled the baggy out of his pocket. “Ketamine”

I had zero clue what that is. Everything I knew about drugs came from Lucas.

“You’ll see later.” he says and I can’t believe I have so much trust in him to just get on with it but at this moment I don’t care. He takes out a pill from his pocket and breaks it in half.

“You have a whole pharmacy out there” I say and swallow the pill.

“Shut up” he laughs. We are both pretty tipsy by now as we start walking to the club. I pay for the entrance and we’re finally there. This is where I felt at home. How weird is that? The lasers, lights, annoyingly loud house music. The music I could never listen to sober, it drives me insane.

I opened my eyes to see Lucas sleeping next to me, sun was shining through closed curtains. I fell asleep again and I dreamt about last night. Dancing, kissing Lucas and him kissing me. I dreamt that I woke up and walked around the apartment. I showered. Was that a dream? I was asleep again. It was nighttime. Lucas and I were rolling around the bed desperate for each other, desperate to feel something, anything.

It was night when I finally definitely woke up. I checked the time on my bedside table. It was 3am on Sunday. Lucas was sitting on the window next to the bed smoking.

“Hi” I wanted to say but all I said was a weak I

“Morning” he turned his head to face me “Magnesium next to your bed. Drink it”

I took the glass from the bed table and wasted a good three minutes to take two sips. Lucas was looking at me the whole time with a massive grin on his face.

“I need to shower”

“You showered three hours ago” he said and I looked at him confused.

“So I wasn’t dreaming?”

He shook his head.

“Did we have sex? Like, in those three hours?” I asked not looking at him.

“What? No. Did you dream about that?” He threw the cigarette in the ashtray and went under the covers. I just looked at him and he smiled again.

“When did we get home?”

“Around 7AM. We slept through the whole Saturday. As far as I remember” he removed all of my hair from my face and made a bun out of it.

“I don’t even want to know what I look like”

“Do you remember the night out?” he prompted himself on the elbow to face me.

“I don’t know. We were dancing?”

“You..” he stopped and lied back down “I didn’t want to give you any more, of anything, because you had too much” coming from Lucas this meant something because I’m usually the one to stop him from going too far “So you just disappeared and..”

“What?” I hated not remembering anything.

“I dont know. You took something and you came back after ten minutes totally out of it. We stayed for and hour after that because you didn’t want to leave. After that I got us in an uber and we came here.”

I didn’t say anything.

“Look, something obviously happened during the weekend, I won't ask but you should know better than take something from strangers. You scared me” he glanced at me. I remembered the moment. I was acting like a brat. It must’ve looked ridiculous. I left him and found some girls snorting something in the bathroom. We talked for a while, I think one of them was coming on to me. I said that I was here with a friend but he didn’t want to give me anything so they offered. I had no idea what it was. What was I thinking?

“Im stupid” I told him about what happened “Im sorry. I found out that my mom is having an affair. But, I also suspected that for a while now. My mind was spiraling and I guess I overdid it”

We were quiet for a few moments.

“I’m sorry” he turned to face me and we stared at each other for a while.

“Is it bad that I love the high so much that I’m not at all regretting any of this? It’s the only time I feel happy”

“I don’t know” he answered “If you think I’ll reason you, you asked the wrong guy. I’m in the same spot” we both smiled, but his eyes were filled with sadness. I wonder if mine were too? We would only talk like this high. Our sober conversations didn’t exist, they were empty and meaningless. We hid behind walls that would come down every once in a while, and I cherished those moments. I kissed him softly and fell asleep in his arms soon after

I woke up at noon, Lucas was still sleeping and Im pretty sure he was missing a class, as I was. I wondered if he stayed because he wanted to or because he was taking care of me. I rarely got to see the sensitive side of him that I longed for. I would try and push his buttons sometimes asking him ridiculously touchy-feely questions and he would just laugh it off and tell me to shut up. But I saw in his eyes that he wanted to tell me things but didnt know how to. I knew for a fact that he didn’t have the best relationship with his parents ether, they didn’t speak about things and even if they wanted to I can’t imagine Lucas opening up to anyone, especially his parents.

I remembered almost all of last night. Lucas wasn’t having fun, he was mostly looking after me. I was usually the one giving him water, asking him if he was fine because he would look like a zombie. Sometimes I would only go out because I was scared that no one would be taking care of him. When we started hanging out we were both fairly knew to all of this but I could see how fascinated he was with all of it. I was too. My world went from black and white to technicolor. My, usually, messed up head that was overthinking everything and anything felt blank. It was just living in the moment, swaying on the dancefloor with the people you love.

But seeing him at his worst was painful to watch. It wasn't fun anymore, it made me see the dark side of things. When the high wears off you feel ten times more depressed and ten times more eager to go to the next party, and then the next one. Until your life just becomes waiting. Waiting to get high and drunk and feel things.

Realizing that made me never want to do drugs again, but that would last a couple of days. What scared me was that I knew that even after last night, when Lucas saw me at my probably lowest, he would never think about leaving it. It was captivating, appealing to him. It didn't scare him at all.

I was taking a shower when he knocked at my door.

"Bell, you have a visitor. I’m going out okay?" I soon heard a door swing shut. A visitor? I had come up with at least ten people who would come here after me not looking at my phone for three days straight and I was scared to see every single one of them. God, I hope it wasn’t Ethan meeting Lucas.

I dressed and got out of the bathroom to see Emily standing behind my kitchen counter. She wouldn't even be on the list of fifty people to come here. What was Ethans girlfriend doing in my apartment? And why didnt I clean up a bit?

#fanfic #fanfiction #dolan twins #ethan #grayson #ethan dolan #grayson dolan #iwritethings

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altaieu · 5 years

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please refrain from reb/0gging

as im watching the dark skies shift to blues, the sun is rising on a household with one less kitten in it today. i can see no stars out.

amber died yesterday.

we took her home on friday, neck tube in and accompanied by medicine, after a 9 day stay in the hospital. we were going to try our hardest to help her get get better. we’d been making plans the entire time what we’d do with her when she was healthy again; that we’d definitely let them out next more next summer and make certain the garden had no places for pests, that i’d play with them even more than i did now, that we’d get them all health insurance. we bought her the cat bed we’d been lingering over at the store to make sure she had a very comfy spot to recover in. i’d woken up late on friday but i helped my sister with feeding her, giving her medicine. i was prepared to stay up all day saturday to help.

but she hadn’t closed here eyes since she’d come home, and what my sister thought was her sleeping - nictitating membranes half closed, paws twitching like she was dreaming - maybe have been a seizure in retrospect. though she took everything well, at 7 am she was having breathing problems. she was laying sideways on the floor with her little tongue sticking out, eyes half closed. we woke everyone up. we rushed her back to the hospital immediately. we talked about putting her down, and i’m sad we didn’t in retrospect, but we had never lost a cat before and we were so hopeful she could still turn around - twice while she was at the hospital she’d perked up and looked for all intents and purposes that she was recovering. she was such a strong, healthy cat before all this happened, it was hard to think she could just go like that, but as it happened it was just complication after complication that hit her. so we held off to give her the weekend, said if she didn’t look better, we’d be back to sign the papers.

it was not even 5 hours after we’d left her there that we got the call, around 1:30 pm. she’d nosedived suddenly and they tried to resuscitate her to no success - something my sister had said yes to out of reflex, but was going to phone tomorrow to say not to do, to just let her go. we went back and saw her little body. my sister cradled her in her arms, and every time she shifted in her seat amber’s fuzzy ears swayed just a bit and i kept expecting her to shake it off, wake up, blink up at us with those big, warm, adoring eyes she always had. her head was as cold as the wind outside when i pet her and i feel as if the chill hasn’t left my hand.

now my brain keeps playing that still face against those late night/early morning memories of her jumping up on my bed and my desk, smiling at me with that big wide happy mouth, bumping her head against mine and against the curtain until i’d open it and she could look out and she’d wiggle her big fluffy butt right between me and my monitor. her tail would always be straight up as she watched the shifting shadows beyond the glass and she purred like an orchestra. then she’d sit on my lap and make the cutest face at me, and i’d pet her a little, but because she always seemed to do this when i was absorbed in writing or art i’d pat her butt until she got annoyed and leapt off, skittering out of my room and down the stairs with the noise of a horse. i’d always felt a little guilty after that, and last time, in damn november, i’d made the promise to myself that next time she came to visit i’d let her sit on me and cuddle up as long as she wanted. it’s been barely 15 hours and already i miss seeing that fuzzy face pop up from behind my desk, that fluffy butt jogging out of my room. amber, i’m so sorry i booted you away when you were lonely in the mornings and just wanted to give and receive love from me.

there’s so many things i wish we did in retrospect (in retrospect, in retrospect). i wish i had pushed harder for a vet appointment when i first saw her so listless, but i always differ to my sister and she said she had no money for it. i wish we’d gotten all our cats health insurance so it wouldn’t have been as big of a cost as it was, that we wouldn’t have been so hesitant about a vet appointment in the first place. i wish i had convinced my sis to put her down when we were there in the mornning so she could have passed away in the arms of someone she loved surrounded by people she cared about instead of laying her head against the side of a small metal cage because we were too scared to let go of her. i’m so sorry amber, we did you so wrong.

when we were there in the morning a man came in after us, an old old man who looked to be in his eighties or so. he was there about a cremation for his african grey parrot who’d passed away the night before. he had a south african accent, and i heard him talking about how he’d been with the bird for forty seven years, that he’d found it abandoned by someone else. i saw him and an old woman bawling in the parking lot afterwards. looking back i should have taken it as an omen.

when we got back to the house the first time, around 11:30 in the morning, the cats were going crazy. all three were trying to get into my room. i wanted nora to stay out so she could comfort my sister, but maggie stood on my desk for 15 minutes staring with that kitty love face and headbutting me before she fell asleep on the bed by my feet. sassy, meanwhile, was absolutely losing it, running around the house and yelling with her unique, loud “mryow” sounding vocalization, eyes wide. should have taken it as an omen.

its weird to wake up at 3 am today to three cats. a time in the morning when i know amber would’ve come to visit, given her health back. its weird to walk down and not see her stretch her big fuzzy yellow belly into a croissant shape. i miss running around the house with the knotted shoelace and having her run after me at top speed, catching it and then running along with me as its in her mouth. i miss her closing eyes as you brushed her mane. i miss that little orange spot she wore on her head like a jewel.

i don’t think i can do anything downstairs without getting choked up about how she’d lie across my legs as i did anything. i don’t think i can get back to playing spyro or watching xfiles since she was there like that the whole time for those. i don’t think i can pick up arkham knight or aco again since i’d sit out in the middle of the floor for those and she’d come up behind me and bump my back, sit on my blanket, lay across one of my legs as i played.

i worry about my sister who cannot even lie in her bed without remembering amber there, sleeping on a pillow beside her, hugging her with all her legs. that cat got her through an abusive relationship and countless depressive episodes and the inherent trauma of being trans in a world that really doesn’t want you to live.

but like whether she’s in kitty heaven as my parents would prefer to think, or she’s my sister’s little spirit guardian now, or if there’s a kitten born on this day that might cross our paths again and bump our legs and look up, i hope she’s doing good. she deserves that at least, she was the sweetest cat i ever met and she should have got more than we could give her.

i feel bad for the hospital staff too. in her stay there she charmed everyone who crossed her path and they were all rooting so hard for her to pull through. one of the vets had her out in her office walking around for exercise on one of the days she was very perky, seemingly recovering. the one we interacted with yesterday was too kind, waiving the fees for the resuscitation attempts and refunding us the 700 we put down for the next few days of care that wouldn’t come to pass. i mean, we’d already dropped 9k on her and were fully prepared to spend 1k more for that fighting chance of a weekend - and of all the things we regret that is not one of them, even if i know a thousand people who’d call us fucking idiots for it. no cent spent trying to keep her alive was a waste. between all of us, even if we had to go into debt, it was the least we could do. we put aside those hopeful dreams of actually owning a house for her, and all my daydreams of introducing them to the new place.

but that 9k could have been reduced to 4.5k (over the 8 years, putting into it each month) if we’d had health insurance on her. as much as that is, it’s tiny compared to what we just spent and would have given us the reassurance to take her to the vet the moment she got sick instead of worrying about money. please, if you have pets you care about, get them health insurance. here it’s 50 a month but that is nothing compared to the cost of vet bills even for routine checkups which it will cover 90% of, and it will give you the peace of mind that you can go to the vet whenever. the moment a pet starts acting unusual you should take them. even if its nothing, its better safe than sorry. complications can hit so fast and pile up.

i’ll be watching the other cats much more closely after this and - after i have my energy back, hopefully - i’ll follow through on that promise and pay them even more attention and get them even more toys. we’re gping to get them health insurance in january and we’re gonna spent the spring cleaning up the backyard to make it safer for the cats, just in case. when they get into the backyard in the summer, oh, its gonna be real fuckin strange not to see amber’s cute sandy coloured face under the lilac tree by the little pond. i still have photos of her from last summer and remember vividly making myself stupid in the grass to get those upward shots of her.

goodnight little lion. you had all the colours of the desert in you and all the love of the sweetest little earth angel, eager to share it. i wish we could have given you so many more years of care, eight was not enough and eleven is much too young for a kitty to go, but i hope you are warm and basking in sunlight wherever you are.

i could see no stars out until i looked behind the house. there, despite the heavy cloud cover on this overcast day, there is a single star shining brighter than i’ve ever seen before, right above us, right at the door.

#animal death tw 6635 #long post 645

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hanniejji · 6 years

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TAGS UWU

So I was tagged three times and since I wasn't able to do it on my phone I had to do it on my computer lmao anyway I got tagged by my sweet cakes(@hyunjinsgiggle ), the sunshine (@felegs ), and this cutie (@stayuwu ) this is going to be long btw im sorry and the ending is very depressing ignore it

Bold Tag

Rules: bold the ones that apply to you!

Appearance:

I’m over 5'5 / I wear glasses/contacts / I have blonde hair / I wear sweatshirts a lot / I prefer loose clothing to tight clothing / I have one or more piercings / I have at least one tattoo / I have blue eyes / I have dyed or highlighted my hair / I have gotten plastic surgery / I have or had braces / I sunburn easily / I have freckles / I paint my nails / I typically wear makeup / I don’t often smile / I am pleased with how I look / I prefer Nike to Adidas / I wear baseball hats backwards

Hobbies and talents:

I play a sport / I can play an instrument / I am artistic / I know more than one language / I have won a trophy in some sort of competition / I can cook or bake without a recipe / I know how to swim / I enjoy writing / I can do origami / I prefer movies on TV shows / I can execute a perfect somersault / I enjoy singing / I could survive in the wild on my own / I have read a new book series this year / I enjoy spending time with friends / I travel during school or work brakes / I can do a handstand

Experiences:

I have had my first kiss / I have gotten drunk / I have told a crush I like them / I have traveled outside of the country / I have flown on an airplane / I have stayed awake for more than 48 hours / I have had a near-death experience / I have caught something on fire / I have performed in a talent show / I have shot a gun / I have been on TV / I have gone scuba diving / I have broken a bone / I have slow-danced / I have gone on a shopping spree

Relationships:

I am in a relationship / I have been single for over a year / I have a crush / I have a best friend I have known for over ten years / my parents are together / I have dated my best friend / I am adopted / my crush have confessed to me / I have had a long-distance relationship / I am an only child / I give advice to my friends / I have made an online friend / I met up with someone I have met online

Aesthetics:

I have heard the ocean in a conch shell / I have watched the sun rise / I enjoy rainy days / I have slept under the stars / I meditate outside / the sound of chirping calms me / I enjoy the smell of the beach / I know what snow tastes like / I listen to music to fall asleep / I enjoy thunderstorms / I enjoy cloud watching / I have attended a bonfire / I pay close attention to colors / I find mystery in the ocean / I enjoy hiking on nature paths / Autumn is my favorite season

Miscellaneous:

I can fall asleep in a moving vehicle / I am the mom friend / I live by a certain quote / I like the smell of sharpies / I am involved in extracurricular activities/ I enjoy Mexican food / I can drive stick-shift / I have memorized an entire song in a day / I believe in true love / I dream up scenarios to fall asleep / I sing in the shower / I wish I lived in a video game / I have a canopy above my bed / I am Multi-racial / I am a redhead / I own at least three dogs / I am LGBR

I'm about to answer 33 questions wow I feel like I'm on an examination

11 questions tag

by sweet cakes:

1. what is your fashion sense?

I have a lot of styles depending on the weather or my mood. I mostly do the sweater/jacket + high waisted shorts hehe or turtle neck + shorts + cardigan/jacket. when I'm lazy, which is always, I wear an oversize hoodie and shorts and the occasional cap hihi I have a weird sense of fashion

2. what is your favourite season?

I like rainy, or windy. any is fine as long as I don't sweat like hell adfaslsja I hate summer

3. if you could go on holiday anywhere, where?

I love going to beaches but tbh anywhere with good views is fine, it doesn't matter since the most important thing for me is that I get the experience and take lots of photos if they have a lot of delicious foods then that's better oof

4. what is one quote you live by?

"learn to stand on your own feet" has a very special place in my heart

5. would you ever get a tattoo, and if so, what and where?

I would want a snowflake, because we're not alone falling down

6. what is your favourite song at the minute?

at the moment, it's nobody knows by youngjae and fine by yugyeom ✨✨

7. what is one album you would listen to for the rest of your life?

I still listen to Linkin Park songs because of the meaningful and relatable lyrics

8. what is your favourite memory from the last year?

it has to be the one time my mom said she's proud of me :')

9. what is one regret you have?

not being able to make friends easily :'( I find it hard to do

10. would you change aforementioned regret?

maybe :'(

11. if you could have any food in the world to eat right now, what would it be?

How dare you make me choose I can't possibly choose between different varieties of foods :'( fries, frappe, and shawarma w/o cucumber pls

by sunshine 🌞

1. what’s one thing that helps you relax?

probably sleeping with soft background music

2. what’s your favorite novel and author?

I'd rather poetry :') sea of strangers by lang leav is amazing

3. are you an affectionate person? if so, how do you show affection?

I'm more like the closet affectionate person hehe but when I'm tired or sleepy I get clingy a lot but I'm mostly through small actions, I'm not comfortable with saying "I miss you" or whatever unless I'm typing them

4. are you an early bird or a night owl?

totally a night owl

5. if you’re comfortable with it, do you have a song you connect to something or someone, and if so, what is it?

sorry by halsey, broken home by 5sos

6. if you could go back to a place you’ve been to before, where would it be?

the beach we went to last vacation :')

7. what does your favorite piece of clothing - that you own yourself - look like?

a very comfy oversized hoodie, it's black with front pocket, sweater paaaaws, and it has a small doodle of neptune on the back

8. who’s your bias and why?

bias? I don't know her

9. do you believe in luck and miracles?

yas, my aunt is actually a fortune teller? idk? but she knows a lot about those and spirits thing but since I have low self confidence I mostly sound like I don't believe in them

10. what’s your favorite type of decorations?

aesthetic and pastel colors ✨

11. do you prefer being outside or inside?

booooth

by cutie :

1. Are you a daydreamer? If so, what do you dream about?

sometimes I just space out without even realizing

2. What’s your favorite place in the world?

home

3. What’s home to you?

somewhere that no one can judge me, a safety place, a place where I can let loose and be comfortable and not give a care about anything

4. This is not a question but quote a vine.

"oh hell noOooOoOOoOooOooOO"

5. Grey’s anatomy or House?

what i don't watch any of these

6. Do you have any pets?

a lame excuse of a cat

7. What kind of friend are you? (You know, the mom friend, the meme friend, etc).

the mom friend, scolds you 25/8, gives advises everywhere, comforts you, takes things seriously, drops everything just to listen to you unless I'm in a very bad mood, sacrifices for you, boyfriend material (according to my friend), secretly soft, lazy but exerts effort when needed, randomly does weird things and dances to fortnite, supports you, but lowkey doesn't do the same for myself lol because I'm emo and you can hear me saying bad things about myself 27/10 and pushing you away lol

I don't share my food unless you're important lmao

8. Do you hate someone? If so, why?

fake peopleeee

9. What’s your dream job?

to be a journalism

10. What MCU character resembles you the most? (not physically, more like mentally and emotionally).

probably wanda

11. I won’t use this eleven question as an actual question, use your right to answer to this to talk about whatever the fuck you want. Rant, fangirl, talk about what you did today or yesterday or whatever. Just talk.

I just want to cry to someone but I don't have the heart to tell anyone, I don't know why but I get stressed so easily and that one time our nurse had a seminar and asked if anyone is depressed, I just want to raise my hand but I'm too scared someone will judge me and think of me as a weak person, like now, and she started this speech about how to beat depression and I just can't understand how is that going to work because it doesn't work on me. I'm getting tired of constantly getting sad for no reason and it's bothering my classmates and I hate bothering them I feel like I'm annoying so I kept these thoughts to myself. It's hard trying to avoid spacing out and being so quiet all of the sudden, I'm getting mad at myself for being pathetic and I did the "do" once because I was so desperate to feel something other than sadness and I couldn't even tell anyone and right now I feel like this rant I'm doing is bothering everyone I hate being like this :'(

I'm doooonneee hehehehe that took me like a long time and I should really sleep now :') I will reblog this with my 11 questions and tags because tumblr has limits ugh

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cwombw · 6 years

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isn’t life great?

below cut.

void-Yesterday at 11:25 PM

wtf do you even have to say to me

ArchaicArcade-Yesterday at 11:26 PM

I just, if youre this upset with riley for doing then we need to talk about this so you understand

void-Yesterday at 11:27 PM

im ALLOWED to be hurt that he thinks i can NEVER be trusted AGAIN for no apparent reasonif you cant recognize that then WOW

ArchaicArcade-Yesterday at 11:27 PM

He doesn't think thatHe blocked people he's know for years

void-Yesterday at 11:27 PM

then WHY the MCFUCK did he block me and why are you saying i should just shut up about it and get over iti cared about him damnit i say him as my own fucking childyoure not who i thought you were lmfao

ArchaicArcade-Yesterday at 11:28 PM

He's just really scared right now, youre allowed to be upset but try to underastand

void-Yesterday at 11:28 PM

im done tbh?i blocked him back.its what he wants anyway

ArchaicArcade-Yesterday at 11:29 PM

if you feel that's what you want. he's just scared and hiding from everything

void-Yesterday at 11:29 PM

and yet hes still in dandys friendchat.

ArchaicArcade-Yesterday at 11:30 PM

He left active chats right off the bat and then got scred people would hate him and stoped

void-Yesterday at 11:30 PM

whatever then.too bad star came home im this close to self harmingim going to talk to her and hope shecan calm me down from a meltdown

ArchaicArcade-Yesterday at 11:31 PM

I just, he's literally dying rn, please try to understandAnd please stay safe

void-Yesterday at 11:31 PM

you also need to understand that others are having similar reactions due to his actions just now

ArchaicArcade-Yesterday at 11:33 PM

youre having a heart problem? you were so upset you had a heart attack last night? I'm sorry but I dont think this is comperable

void-Yesterday at 11:33 PM

i meant the goddamn breakdown thing

ArchaicArcade-Yesterday at 11:34 PM

I'm sorry i misunderstoodHe jsut doesnt want anyone to see him die

void-Yesterday at 11:39 PM

i f he wants to push everybody away and ruin every good friendship he had and also ruin the dnd kin thing, fine. im not going to open my arms to him anymore.i dont hate him.but the wanting nothing to do eith each other thing is mutual now.

ArchaicArcade-Yesterday at 11:40 PM

i hope you understand that i stand with him on this. he just doesnt want to hurt people if he actually dies

void-Yesterday at 11:41 PM

if he actually diesso if he doesnt, what. hes gonna be like "heyyy.. fingerguns sorry that i ruined all my friendships, amde people hate me, and made people panic" i dont play ehadgames like that and i refuse to do that with him.plus, idk. iunno. maybe it should be our choice if we want to stick with him even if hes on his death bed?by doing this its hurting more than watching hiom die

ArchaicArcade-Yesterday at 11:43 PM

He's in the hospital and they said things arent looking good. he's terrifiyed and I think you should remember hes only 16. he's just scared as any dying kid would be

void-Yesterday at 11:44 PM

.. so wait. let me get this straight . he decided to. block. every single one of his online friends, out of fear of hurting them. but he didnt try to distance himself from his irl ones, even though it should be thje same fear that drove him to block everybody online in the first place.iwhatnothis boils down to paranoia and distrustwhy exactly, does he let his irl friends care for him but wont let his online ones do the same

ArchaicArcade-Yesterday at 11:45 PM

It;s easier to block people you don't know in personI just, I cant do this. hes a scared kin and that's all there is to it

void-Yesterday at 11:46 PM

okim dropping itfeel free to block mefigure you want nothing to do with me anymore eitherJune 8, 2018

ArchaicArcade-Today at 12:01 AM

no it's just I need a bit

ArchaicArcade-Today at 8:34 AM

I'm sorry to say this but I've know Riley way longer and well, I choose him over you. I feel terrible but I need to side with my best friend here

void-Today at 11:56 AM

there shouldnt even be a side but okay. i had a feeling y'all weren't telling the truth. because i forgot last night but now i remember that he certainly did not block everybody he was friends with online and the chat in gov kin is evident as such, since people there could still message him.

you all have fun lying now. but i want you both to remember that i would have gone above and beyond for the both of you because i trusted you, cared about you, and loved you.thanks for ripping away a part of my life.

s/o-Today at 7:48 AM

Fuck meRiley is the rat talking to lou

s/o-Today at 11:01 AM

Let me know if you are okay.

void-Today at 11:59 AM

.....wow.

s/o-Today at 11:59 AM

He shared our entire dm

s/o-Today at 12:00 PM

God me too

void-Today at 12:01 PM

you know i have a feeling all their friends were in on it and he didnt even have a heart attack last night

s/o- you know I never had a grudge against you, and I wasn't in a good place either when you were in my life. please leave me out of your mouth and i'll continue leaving you out of mine. Don't dis GAK either, it's a quiet kin family. -Lex's "live in" partner.

s/o- also I'm carful about the ages of the people I talk too, and that "flirting with a minor thing" not sure who that was at all? I'm sure it had something to do with the nonsense in KK. Anyway last message I will send unless you choose to respond. Yesterday at 4:53 AM

agenderdad420/mysterypeaches the minor was jeremie diioscuri and the offending behavior was via discord in a mutuals server that he had created Yesterday at 2:26 PM s/o- Now i know what you are talking about. I was mislead about his age. But I also never flirted with him. I sent him an NSFW meme once and his little friends started making wild accusations of me. And I do feel bad for offending him, but I didn't know he was a minor.

s/o- That is also how I personally got kicked from KK. I kicked Alex from KK the previous night because it was behaving destructively Today at 7:44 AM

agenderdad420/mysterypeaches thats not an accusation thats straight up telling the truth

s/o- Talking about trans stuff? I was literally complaing about tucking. I also really feel stabbed in the back right now. You think you know someone

agenderdad420/mysterypeaches you... knew who? look idk what you deem appropriate to talk to minors about but maybe it differs for us

s/o- i don't think a trans vent between two trans people is inappropriate if he was squicked by that he could've told me lol. not go sharing a private convo with you. (and i'm not blaming you for that)

agenderdad420/mystery peaches i will say that there is often an inherent power dynamic between older and younger members that maybe made him more uncomfortable

s/o- you know i can take the blame if I fucked up. I hope you know that I've changed a ton since KK. and since I your drama with Lex started. All I want is to be a good person and contribute something to my fellow kinnies.\

agenderdad420/mysterypeaches honestly i havent really kept up w either you or alex since that point, but i dont doubt you can take accountability for your actions.

agenderdad420/mysterypeaches i just hope that there is change that goes along w acknowledgement and perhaps there has been

s/o- I don't speak for lex. But i just want peace Today at 9:21 AM

agenderdad420 fair

s/o - Today at 7:49 AM Apparently riley is the one talking to the person who made my callout Do you have a problem with me arcade?

ArchaicArcade - Today at 8:07 AM no

s/o - Today at 8:16 AM I guess i squicked him with something i said

ArchaicArcade - Today at 8:17 AM i guess

s/o - Today at 8:19 AM My brain: hes sick because of you

s/o - Today at 12:02 PM I know you have your reasons for what you guys are doing. But I hope Riley knows how deep he cut me. I would've given you both the moon.

not only have these people caused me to have a severe anxiety attack, they caused my partner the same, as well as many others who weren’t even a part of this.

they have caused me to feel suicidal and paranoid, to want to self harm

as for agenderdad420/mysterypeaches, they have sent me anon hate before, accused me of being racist for my neopronouns (all while saying they’re not against neopronouns, lol), and blew up at me for dropping them after they told me they didn’t like that i was trying to set boundaries for my borderline behaviors with them, and that i was confiding in them everything that was going on with me at the time (which was heavily toxic and depressing towards me) they have used language against me that is ableist and abuse apologetic in nature and their claims otherwise are blatant lies.

i had previously published the majority of the anon hate before deleting it from my blog after a while due to discomfort of having drama on my blog.

they have taken to stalking me to find out more past drama about me, as well as taking false anecdotes from others who claim my s/o has been inappropriate with minors to the point of grooming them, which is 1000000000000000% untrue and taken greatly out of context and skewed into something that never happened.

talking about trans issues isn’t grooming, sending a nsfw meme to a person who my s/o believed to be an adult isn’t grooming.

these people are pure evil and have been planning this for a long time from what i’ve gathered.

they are dangerous and unpleasant and will apparently stop at nothing to obtain their goal, whatever it actually is. as evident as one of them faked a heart attack and may have faked an entire condition.

update 7/17/2018

after speaking to rileys sister who he abused for a good part of their life, as well as ruined it and made their mom send them to live with their aunt, i’ve since learned that this is serial abusive behavior and he has also physically beat his younger siblings, is a pathological liar, and everything i’ve thus learned about him 100% fits his m/o.

he can try all he wants to pretend that he got better and has improved but all i see if that he got better methods.

faking a heart attack in order to call my gf a pedophile for talking about trans issues is fucking despicable.

another thing i’ve discovered is that he did in fact assault the person who he says assaulted him

and the fact he freaked out over a poorly written callout like that, no offense to the victim is kinda funny and really telling. if he was innocent then why bother mentioning anything? i dont think that many people saw it.

i’ve also learned that archaicarcade, aka julien/julian (and plenty of other past names) also has a past of fucking people over very quickly into friendships and relationships and changing their name and other information in order to hide their past.

in fact.. riley hangs out with a lot of weird people, including somebody who was brainwashed by their older brother to be transphobic, and julien, whos relationship with the minors he surrounds himself with is suspect at best.

he also keeps company with a jehovah’s witness, which i shouldn’t have to explain how problematic that is.

my current thoughts about this is that riley while not innocent at all may be being groomed by julien is who also grooming others with help from his other adult buddies they all hang with. i have no sympathy for riley though after what occurred, whatsoever.

just 10-20 minutes ago somebody on a sockpuppet from wilson, north carolina sent me hate after checking out this callout post for riley, this is the screenshot i took

i’ve since blocked and reported the sockpuppet, even if this doesnt belong to riley, its clearly from one of his brainwashed supporters. amazing that a month later they still want to start shit. but this? this is pathetic.

look riley and co. i, my gf, my bf, my other bf, and all my friends know the truth. you’re fucking liars and fakes and abusive and groom people. do the universe a favor and go to long term therapy or maybe just never go online ever again with any device, anytime, anywhere, ever. and in fact hole yoruself up in your homes and never speak to anybody ever again because you clearly can’t help yourselves from finding new targets to fuck with.

emotional terrorism at its finest.

#drama #archaicarcade #callout #emotional terrorism #mewmewpudding #starberry.txt #will be updated as more bullshit occurs :)#fixed a tag

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uniformbravo · 6 years

Text

i have too many thoughts bouncing around in my head so uhhhh im gonna talk abt shit

welcome 2 episode 43647 of my shitty slice-of-life text post series

school tomorrow i dont wanna go!!!!! !!!!!!!!!! depressions been hitting me tf up like some kind of MotherFucker n im so tired i h8 both of my classes i just want 2 lie down & turn into the floor -______________-

read 12 chapters of fma yesterday its good............. i dont love it yet but im definitely entertained so far & looking forward to getting further into it

also started reading silver spoon & it turns out the things i hated in the 1st ep of the anime didnt even happen in the manga who fuckin knew (im sorry i doubted u arakawa) so im actually enjoying the series a lot more this second time around! though that’s probably partly because i got rly attached to the protag halfway through s2 & now i get to dig out all the little signs of his low sense of self-worth on the reread so like. im having fun lol (watching him react to being told about livestock being offed for under-performing just the smallest bit again is..... so good.......)

watched all of aggretsuko today, like the original 100 shorts & the new series, it was p good! i honestly never planned to watch it bc like. i hate death metal / screaming bc it gives me anxiety & i knew this show would aggravate that but idk i heard good things about it from literally everywhere so i was like w/e im in the mood today i’ll just try it out & i blasted through it and enjoyed it v much

i think i like the shorts better than the show but that might be bc i watched the shorts first & got used to their rhythm? but at the same time i feel like the concept generally works better as little 1-minute tidbits. the show is a bit awkward sometimes in comparison but it’s a v good adaption regardless. it was interesting to see the concept executed 2 different ways at least. v fun show!

mmmmm still working on my silan portrait kind of!! i took a break for 2 days because 1. depression and 2. i was a fucking fool and played a Lot of piano on thursday so that put me out of physical commission for 2 days (honestly i was still feeling it today but i rly wanted to get back to work before it started to fade into yet another unfinished project). so yeah i got back to work on it today, and made some decent progress i think!

i mentioned in my other post that im working in clip studio paint, a program im not used to painting in, and i’ve definitely been struggling trying to get used to all these weird brushes but i think im slowly coming to an understanding and finding a technique that works for me? there’s an “oil paint” brush that’s good for blending & previously i was trying to use only that, since in photoshop i never switched to other brushes, i only used the one (hard round). the oil paint brush being a blending brush though, it’s basically impossible to lay down any new color on top of the old ones because the new color automatically blends with the old ones instead of coming out pure, so as a result all of my shading was coming out super soft and light which is not the effect i’m going for

so i found that using a different brush to lay down color first and then going in with the oil to blend made a huge difference & i was finally able to get in the darker shadows i wanted, but there was still the problem of details because like. the oil brush blends rly soft and it makes everything look kind of fuzzy, and it’s especially hard to deal with small areas for details

so today i started experimenting with a “watercolor” brush, which is basically just a normal brush with low opacity, and i’ve found it’s a good kind of middle ground between blending and carving in details, so that gave me a lot more control and is probably the closest i’ve gotten to my old painting style when i was working in photoshop

this whole process has just been rly confusing & im sure there are easier ways to go about this but i know i’ll get the hang of it eventually & get some good use out of this program, & it’s good to experiment with new tools i guess so?? it’s all good?? i’ll be honest im getting tired & this topic is kind of getting away from me uhhhh in conclusion im still working on the thing & i dont know when i’ll be done but i’m gonna fuckin. Keep at it

back to aggretsuko for a sec, something i rly noticed was the ost is?? really good????? i wanted to listen to it while i drew but i couldnt find it on yt & that’s like the extent of my music search capabilities on the internet so im p sad abt that bc that was like my fave part of the show rip

instead i listened to houseki no kuni’s ost which is fuckin beautiful ugh i finished that show a few weeks ago & it was very very gorgeous, like. weird and disjointed and a little tangential but fuck if it’s not put together in such an artful way that i can forgive all of that like what a way to create an atmosphere what a way to adapt a fuckin manga?? i tried reading the manga a bit bc lets be honest that anime ending was super unsatisfying but it just?? wasnt the same??? theres something abt the show being a 3d show and having the music to accompany its visuals & the way they did the lunarians especially holy fuck, it’s a completely different experience watching the show vs reading the manga & now im sad bc i want a s2 rly rly bad,,,;;;

anyway i didnt mean to talk abt hnk so much lol uh. i ended up listening to the op a thousand times bc god when i say the music for this show is rly good i mean it, both the op & ed are fuckin great (speaking of the ed that gorgeous animation holy shit,) along with its super atmospheric bgm just. god

as a reward for anyone who read through all this shit lmao here listen to hnk’s op it’s super good i promise

also watch the ed lmfao trust me it was a gift benevolently bestowed upon my eyeballs and now so too shall it be upon thine

anyway im fuckin tired & i think that’s all i wanted to say so like. peace

#retag later #my last post like this i think the read more didnt work on mobile so if that happens again i am. sorry #(if it happens again and tungle mobile disappears these tags then double whoops)#talkin bout stuff #today posts #ss blogging

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wanna-17 · 7 years

Text

lai guanlin first meeting! AU

summary: in which you meet the new guy from taipei in your neighbourhood at the park playing basketball and you help him overcome his language barrier ft. seonho

length: 1.3k

a/n: i just saw wanna one yesterday at kcon and they are amazing. i have a fan account coming up soon basically i had hi touch with them (as well as monsta x, sf9, pentagon - i’ll explain why i got so many without spending any money) im also hardcore monobebe now rip me hyungwon was so smiley during hi touch omg and changkyun and kihyun are perfect. i wrote this a while ago lol so its not edited. but HAPPY BIRTHDAY GUANLIN (i told him this in chinese but no idea if he replied) im so hekjdqekjfheq post concert depression is peeking i stan all the groups that were at kcon now ;;; thats like 30 groups i stan in total now rip me

note: normal font is speaking in korean and italics is speaking in chinese

you’ve been living in seoul for 2 years already

you were born in australia and from there you had lived in hong kong and france

and hence you could speak 4 languages fluently; english, korean, chinese and french

your mum was chinese and your dad was half korean and half french

people were always in awe of how “cool” your ethnicity was and you definitely agreed it was unique

but you didn’t like how once you finally had settled into a new country, you’d have to move to another and try to adapt again

and it was also really easy to lose touch with the friends you’d made

anyways enough of that lmao

you are now living in the city of seoul in korea

and you were lucky that you fitted in quite well and your neighbour was yoo seonho who was probably the most outgoing kid ever who knew literally everyone

so he basically introduced you to everyone

he was one year younger than you but very smart so you guys were in the same grade

you two would often walk home together and crash each other’s houses to do homework together

anyways back on track AGAIN i need help lmao

it was almost the start of the new school year

and one week before school started again

you were collecting the mail from the letterbox when seonho happened to be heading out

he saw you and waved

“hey y/n!!!!!!”

you waved back “hey seonho”

“omg i almost forgot to ask you, do you wanna come to the park right now?”

“right now? why?” you asked

“you haven’t met the new guy here, lai guanlin right?” asked seonho as he pronounced lai guanlin with an awkward accent that was mixed with korean and chinese

“uhhh lai guanlin? that’s a chinese name” you replied

“yes yes stop showing off your chinese y/n” replied seonho rolling his eyes

you laughed, since seonho could only speak korean you sometimes taught him some chinese and he just sounded super funny whenever he spoke chinese

“well what about this lai guanlin dude?” you asked seonho going back on topic

“you have to meet him y/n, he’s from taiwan and he’ll be coming to our school” replied seonho

“oh thats nice,” you answered in a half hearted tone not really interested

“y/n!!!” whined seonho

“what”

“you have to meet him because he’s basically a super star and he’s playing basketball at the park today”

“a super star? what do you mean?”

“he’s super good looking”

you sighed seonho knew you liked any guy that was good looking even though nothing ever worked out between your previous crushes because they either were 1) taken or 2) had crappy personalities

he’d always try to matchmake you off lmao and you’d do the same to him

“how good looking is he?” you asked jokingly

“HES MORE HANDSOME THAN ME” said seonho proudly as he thumped his chest loudly

you scoffed, “whatever dude not interested” as you decided to head back inside to finish watching the new variety show you had started earlier that day

“no seriously, i even ship you guys already, he’s so good looking. i’ll shout you fried chicken tonight, that’s how desperate i am” said seonho

it was unusual for seonho to offer to shout you fried chicken so you reluctantly agreed and before you knew it, seonho was dragging you to the park and you couldn’t even change out of your trackies into something more presentable

you guys arrived at the park and before approaching the basketball courts, seonho first pulled you behind a tree

“seonho why the heck are we hiding behind a tree?” you asked sighing at seonho’s actions

“you need mental preparation beforehand because he’s really handsome, too hot for you to handle”

“pfffffttt”

“there he is! the tall one with black hair!” whispered seonho pointing towards the basketball courts, you rolled your eyes ready to be disappointed

seonho would always claim a guy was good looking and whenever you checked them out, they were just really average so you were literally only at the park for the free fried chicken shout afterwards

you turned around eyes following where seonho was pointing at and your brain froze

there playing basketball on the court was the most gorgeous guy you’d ever laid eyes on

his hair was a natural black colour, his body was lean and slightly muscular, he had pale skin that was literally glowing in the sunlight

he also had a slight dimple poking out on one side of his cheek when he smiled, nice lips, a high nose, and the way his beautiful eyes were determined yet mesmerising when shooting the ball in the hoop

you gawked at his handsomeness for a good minute same with seonho lmao this kid

before seonho nudged you, “see he’s good right?”

“yes” you reply immediately almost breathless as your breath was literally taken away by his beauty

but you thought of your previous good looking crushes and tried to come back to reality even though you could feel your heart racing

“nah but he probably has a crap personality, since all of the good looking guys do” you say

“no no he’s super down to earth, let me introduce you to him!” says seonho and before you get to reply

seonho is dragging you to the courts

“HEY GUANLIN” yells seonho

guanlin stops playing basketball and looks over at you guys while waving to seonho

you awkwardly look away feeling shy as he approached closer

“guanlin, this is y/n who i told you about and y/n this is guanlin the super star,” says seonho

“seriously seonho don’t call me that!” says guanlin as seonho laughed

you were once again mesmerised because guanlin’s voice was so nice, it was like mixture of deep but also sweet???

“what did you say about me seonho?” you mutter

“seonho said you were happy to tutor me korean if thats ok?” replies guanlin

“uh wait what” you say confused

“oh no it’s ok if you don’t want to i understand,” says guanlin quickly

“but you’d be happy to right?” chimes seonho mischievously

“seonho didn’t tell you that?” asks guanlin as he had paused to catch on with what seonho was saying

you shake your head

“seonho is such an idiot” says guanlin smiling widely revealing a gummy smile

which you literally found to be the cutest smile ever

“yep he’s the biggest idiot ever” you reply

“what did you say???” asks seonho confused looking between you two

you and guanlin laugh making eye contact

and you feel all warm and fuzzy inside kjahkdquhfqllqqhk

“don’t you worry” you reply chuckling at seonho

“well looks like you two can have your alone time since you don’t need me anymore” pouts seonho as you and guanlin start blushing heheheh

seonho steals the basketball guanlin is holding and runs off to the courts

and you feel your heart racing again because you’re now alone with guanlin even though seonho is really only 5 metres away lmao

you guys both feel the awkwardness but for some reason feel warm inside

and like guanlin is really tall so he’s sort of towering over you but it feels protective???

anyways you decide to muster up your courage and say, “well i can tutor you in korean, when should we start?” you ask

“really?? thank you so much y/n, i’m sorry this was unexpected and that seonho didn’t tell you” says guanlin

“that’s okay i’m happy to help you out!” you reply, blushing as you thought of tutoring such a handsome boy with such a great personality you were lowkey proud of yourself

“thanks again y/n,” says guanlin, smiling softly down at you, once again revealing his gummy smile, “i have my books here, can we start now?”

“sure” you nod happily in response

this school year was going to be different, a very nice different..

lmao little did you know that seonho had shown guanlin your picture and guanlin insisted seonho to get you to tutor him heheh

hope you guys enjoyed this, I LOVE WANNA ONE SOBS I HOPE YOU ALL GET TO MEET THEM LIKE I DID

#wanna one scenarios #wanna one imagines #wanna one scenario #produce 101 scenarios #produce 101 imagines #lai guanlin scenarios #guanlin scenarios #lai guanlin imagine #lai guanlin scenario #p101 s2 #lai guanlin #guanlin #wanna one #produce 101 s2 #produce 101 season 2 #produce 101 scenario #produce 101 imagine

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aquarianlights · 6 years

Note

Im so sorry for your episode. But i want you to know that we still love you and we are here for you.

Oh god, thank you...

Apparently everyone is now. No one is like my ex-es/ex-roommates/parents here....we are family. Actual family. And we take care of each other. And it ...I have a REAL support system for the first time in my life. My friends spent 3 FUCKING HOURS running around sketchy af NOLA backroads to find me last night. And one of them even physically fought me and restrained me. And they took care of me. Everyone took care of me. And then when I woke up today and saw my roommates and met with the friend that dealt with me last night, every single one of them asked me if I was okay and gave me a hug.

And there I was between train tracks/highway...a fence with barbed wire...and a lumbar/solar panel factor...in the back alley...in a REALLY dangerous area...with a broken beer bottle just slicing at my arm with it, telling myself out loud that I didn’t matter, no one cared, etc etc etc....meanwhile all my friends were either out looking for me or texting me/calling me frantically. And proceeded to take care of me through a completely dissociative schizo episode. Like, complete psychological blackout. I have no memories. And they were still there for me in the morning.....helping, checking on me, giving me familial love...

I couldn’t believe it. Yeah, they all told me that I scared the fuck out of them. But. . .normally I just wake up in a hospital in restraints after episodes like that. No. Instead, my support system helped me. Because they know how detrimental those places are to me.

And they’re not deserting me, telling me to leave, adjusting our living situation negatively, giving me a time frame in which I need to get out, kicking me out, calling 911 on me, tying me up, locking all the pills and sharp objects up, treating me like a child.....THEY’RE TREATING ME LIKE AN ADULT. GIVING ME AUTONOMY. WHAT I HAVE NEEDED MY WHOLE LIFE!!!

Instead of forcing me into being co-dependent...and then getting angry at me for being co-dependent when they forced me to be that way in the first place...they’re giving me standards and holding me to them. If I don’t hold up to those standards, I get real-world, adult consequences. Which do not involve being kicked out or locked up or getting things taken away from me or anything...

I’ve never had a situation like this...where people genuinely want to help me. And genuinely want to see me grow as a person and achieve my dreams. And are genuinely supporting me.

There is a way to have autonomy while still accepting help...Still being independent, but working in a pack dynamic. We all have weaknesses, we all have strengths...and everyone in this household and all of our friends....we all complement those weaknesses and strengths. Wherever someone is weak, one or more of us can help. And we do. Hell, one of my roommates and I have “packmate tattoos” as we are platonic soul mates and have been since teenagers and all of us have “packmate” necklaces we all got about a year ago. And everyone we welcome into our irl fremily gets a packmate necklace. They’re from the gem and lapidary shop in the french quarter...they’re these wolves engraved into different kinds of stones hung on a black string. We all have different colour/rock style wolves, but they’re all the same engraving and the same string.

And this is so..........wonderful. I have a family. I have a real family here....and I can prosper here.

And I have this wonderful support online, too. A whole family online who is behind me. And a handful of online family equivalent to what my irl fremily is.

If only super suicidal, depressed teenager me could see 25 year old me now. I’m gonna be finished with my degree after this spring semester...and transferring to a pre-med program in Tulane University. Coz I decided...fuck the tech program, fuck the underling studies...that’ll just take 2 years of getting ANOTHER AA.......when I already have an AA...and can just go on to my pre-med BA automatically......why am I starting over like this? Tech school is pointless. My logic was flawed. I’m aiming to be in a surgical residency by the age of 35 or before. I have a kinda disadvantage there since most students start their residency at 26. But...I also have an advantage, like one well-known doctor told me that I e-mailed. So...he said I should just start now. And my adviser said the same thing. And my career counselor said the same thing. Drop all the tech classes and go straight pre-med. My degree combined with my GPA will allow me entrance into almost any pre-med program I want. I’m only choosing Tulane U because it’s closest. And it doesn’t matter where you get your AA and bachelors...it starts mattering when you get to your masters, and ACTUALLY matters when you get to your doctorate. Idk where I’ll physically be after I finish my bachelors...so Idk where I’m gonna go after that...but I will worry about that later.

And getting a job when I come back on the 4th...in a clinic...and internships and shadowing.... And I’m getting nexplanon replaced next week...and switching my medicaid...and updating everything and I found a place that SAFE HRT here...so I’m going to a session there to have all my work from my PPH HRT doctor transferred there to let them look at it and determine together whether it’s safe for me or not. Coz the PPH HRT doc is leaning towards HRT not being safe for me...so I’m kinda disappointed in that. But..... there are other ways to transition. And, as my PPH HRT doc said, if HRT isn’t an option for me, we can find other ways for me to transition. And my dog is gonna be home with me finally... And I will be finding a pscyh and doc here for medication management, etc. . .

Everything is falling into place so nicely for me...and I ...I can’t believe it’s happening. And I’m fucking....happy. Wow. I still have downs, like yesterday, but......majority of my life is happiness and motivation and energy and ...a beginning of stability.

God, if only teenage me could see me now. If early 20′s me could see me now. If 24 year old me could see 25 year old me.......

I never woulda guessed in a million years............

I am honestly the luckiest guy alive. I can’t believe I have an irl family that loves me and an online family that loves me. It’s unreal. And both support me and that is just........unbelievable to me.

Thank you, nons. Messages like this keep me going...keep reminding me that maybe I’m worth something in this life.

Thank you. I cannot thank you enough. Thank you...

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lovenletter · 7 years

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♡ get to know me tag ♡

aaa, i was tagged by @8boo. thank you sooo much !!! tbh i should be doing my online class ,,,, but LOL NOPE. online classes are such a pain bc I always get distracted ..... it’s tumblr’s fault ..... that’s okay, right ???

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 10 people.

THE LAST:

1. Drink: orange juice ... 2. Phone call: to my dad, i think?? 3. Text message: i’m currently texting one of my friends bc she has a match later on today and i won’t see her :( 4. Song you listened to: i’m listening to music right now ??? it’s beautiful by seventeen :’)

5. Time you cried: yesterday bc language barriers lol

HAVE YOU:

6. Dated someone twice: or dating in general .... no

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: nope

8. Been cheated on: no 9. Lost someone special: yeah 10. Been depressed: kind of, but like not rly 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: i’ve never been drunk haha

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:

12-14: gray, peach, and ive been digging purple lately

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: yessss !!!! 16. Fallen out of love: i’ve not been in love ??? 17. Laughed until you cried: so many times hahaha 18. Found out someone was talking about you: im not interesting, no one talks ab me.

19. Met someone who changed you: all my new friends helped me to be a better person :) 20. Found out who your friends are: .... good people ??? 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: no. why facebook?

GENERAL:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: all of them ??? they’re just my famil tbh. i dont’ rlly use it ... 23. Do you have any pets: not in my house, but my cousin has been taking care of my pet. 24. Do you want to change your name: nahhhh. i like my name. 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: i had a sleepover. i don’t rlly do much for my birthdays :/ 26. What time did you wake up: twelve p.m .... 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: probably on my phone ... or talking to my mom. 28. Name something you can’t wait for: july !!!!! i get to go back home + see if I can go to diamond edge !!! :))))))) 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: she’s sitting right next to me right now. 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: i can’t rlly come up with anything ??? maybe starting to play tennis earlier so that i’d be better now lol. 31. What are you listening right now: still lonely by seventeen lol 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: yes, kind of. tom is like the “president” of our neighborhood. 34. Most visited Website: probably between tumblr & twitter (more tumblr tbh).

LOST QUESTIONS.

35. Mole/s: i have a ton ... i got like five on my face and over five in each arm and leg ://// 36. Mark/s: like scars ??? i have one under my chin from when i fell down the stairs as a child. then i have one on my upper thigh bc i ran through a boat hook. i have matching ones on my legs, but they’re disappearing ... finally. 37. Childhood dream: to own a hotel lol

38. Hair Colour: it’s brown .. but it gets like blonde streaks in the summer naturally 39. Long or short hair: it’s like in between ?? it’s not rlly long, but it’s not short. 40. Do you have a crush on someone: hehehe no.

41. What do you like about yourself: i guess that i get stuff done and im dedicated ??? does that count 42. Piercings: my ears 43. Bloodtype: o positive :) 44. Nickname: my name is too short for a nickname lol. 45. Relationship status: when have i not been single. 46. Zodiac: libra sun - taurus moon - pisces rising 47. Pronouns: she/her, but like they/them works too.

48. Favorite TV Show: i have watched every single episode of house and ncis ... also my mom & i watch reign together :) 49. Tattoos: nope 50. Right or left hand: right !!! i cant write with my left like at all. 51. Surgery: when i was little, to take out something from my throat i dont rlly know.

52. Hair dyed in different color: i dyed highlights once and then tried to fix the “crown” effect but then it looked orange. tho i rlly want to dye it gray/silver. :) 53. Sport: tennis !!! ... i’ve been practicing three hours a day since summer started hahaha. 55. Vacation: boy, i’ve been to a lot of places. like i counted the amount of countries i’ve been to recently and i think it’s 25 ??? 56. Pair of trainers: like ??? i have a two pairs of white shoes i use to practice in ??? does that count ??? idk.

MORE GENERAL:

57. Eating Currently: i had a bagel for breakfast lol 58. Drinking currently: water lol

59. I’m about to: either do my online class or watch suspicious partner haha.

61. Waiting for: to go home. i have my albums there and i have not opened any of them ,,,,,, 62. Want: money. a. lot. of. it. pls. 63. Get married: at some point ??? right ... 64. Career: i dont have a job rn and i have no idea what i want to do in the future lol.

WHICH IS BETTER

65. Hugs or kisses: both !!! they are equally amazing. 66. Lips or eyes: .... i mean i look at both ??? 67. Shorter or taller: what ... i mean im taller ... and i get jealous of short ppl. 68. Older or younger: what even. all my friends are older ??? 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: both ??? but it doesn’t rlly matter. 71. Sensitive or loud: both ??? why not 72. Hook up or relationship: swerve both 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: wait what. i guess hesitant ??

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. Kissed a stranger: nope 75. Drank hard liquor: ... yes 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: no, i rarely use my glasses and my contacts are dailies so. 77. Turned someone down: yes. sorry. 78. Sex in the first date: hahaha no 79. Broken someone’s heart: well ... i guess when i turned them down ??? idk. 80. Had your heart broken: not really.

81. Been arrested: no. 82. Cried when someone died: no ?? i mean in movies, yes 83. Fallen for a friend: yeah, but they liked my best friend instead :////

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. Yourself: yeah i guess 85. Miracles: yes 86. Love at first sight: ehhhh, it’s a nice idea 87. Santa Claus: no 88. Kiss in the first date: depends ... 89. Angels: yes ??? maybe

OTHER:

90. Current best friends’ names: irl ... i have a group of four and our names are similar so we call our groupchat SLX2. but like online ??? all my mutuals :) 92. Favorite movie: oh boy ... i watch so many movies. i love leap year, the imitation game, intersteller, and the intouchables !!! that’s just a few lol

this is a rlly long tag !!! but it’s fun :) if you don’t want to do it, it’s fine. oh !!! and let me know if you don’t want to be tagged.

i tag: @calamityy , @youngjai , @hyungwon , @m0nst4x , @chamgmin , @jeonghhan , @curlypcy , @jpghope , @innohurry , @ilyoonqi !!!!!

#i hope this is okay!#i feel so bad ... i haven't talked a lot to my mutals :(((((#pls send me a msg !!!!#:))))#about me

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atpeacewithme-blog1 · 7 years

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*November 28th, 2016

Hey. It’s been a while. Give me a minute to catch up and read what I told you last. Okay wow. Well where to start. lets see…… Well Beauty and the Beast went… well. it was odd. Two nights before opening night a mom/co-director yelled at the director in from of the whole cast and took her children out of the show. one of them was a lead role. we has to switch around role but we made it work. opening night was great but then Frank (The Beast) got horribly sick and couldn’t come in for the next show so our Gaston (Justin) stepped in as Beast, our feather duster (Pearl) stepped in as Gaston, and a tech girl stepped in as feather duster. It was rough but we made it work, that was closing night. I was in a small ensamble concert with a couple friends June 9th 2016. We sang a choral piece we did last year called can’t think of a fake song name so I am putting nothing lol. It is such a beautiful piece. I went to a shrink for the first time and got medication for my Bipolar Depression. I joined band CLASS for senior year playing Mellophone and that is exciting. I started practicing in May during my lunch and then went to all the summer lessons even though I didn’t really need to because they were doing music I wouldn’t have to do but I eventually to tested on that so I am glad I went to those. I got my senior pictures taken July 11th 2016 and most of them turned out horrible but I really wish we can still order them because come on they are my senior pictures. John took me to a fair July 13th for my birthday and I did some stuff for the first time. JULY 15TH 2016!!!! I took my drivers test and passed, went home to make sure we had everything for the dmv, went to the dmv, didn’t have everything we needed, went home to get my social #, went to dmv, went home because we didn’t have the little blue card, went to dmv, FINALLY got my license. I wore a really cute outfit that day with a cute skirt. a guy commented on my skirt as i was coming out of my car going to the fun group I am in bus for a weekend thing. It was fun, scary because one of the 2 girls (Cerena/Kirsten) were there, but fun. GOT MY CAR JULY 21ST 2016!!!! Here I said what kind of car I have. HER NAME IS GEM!!!I went to a week long trip with that same group and that was also VERY scary because both of those girls were there. some stuff did happen towards the end with them but it didn’t really matter because I did have a fun time. Sport I am in camp was too hot. we had people passing out left and right. the last day we had to take our water breaks inside because it was so bad. I could really feel a difference in myself because of the medicine that I was taking for my depression and that is great. I got out of bed more and hung out with friends and my boyfriend!!! the rest of the summer was pretty fun :) *Rrrrrriiiiiinnnngggg* now time to talk about the beginning of SENIOR YEAR. pf course my schedule was messed up it always is so lets forget about the first few days. I started off perfectly. doing ALL of my work and having an A+ in every class. on September 10th my school had there first football game and my dad let me go out with John afterwards. we parked across from the new pier in my town because the water was nice and I didn’t get home until sometime after 12 because…..well…. lets just say I did something else I never did before. ooh Marie invited me over for Rosh Hashanah and I felt so honored haha. I tell Marie every single little detail that goes on between me and John and she did the same thing to me about her and her boyfriend.Sep. 24th the sport I am in went to their first competition of the season and we won 1st place :) Since I am captain I accept the award with the “co- captains” (they are not really co-captains but idk what else to call them without giving it away. oh well.) and do the salute with them and that was so cool and fun. here lets see if I can write the salute down, this will be difficult. (1-2-3-4-1-2-step-forward-fist and arm point to sky- fist and arm point forward- armdown-look up-arm up and point like pointing to stars and drop it to the right for 5-6-7- look straight ahead- arms sharp low V- right hand salute left hand on hip, 1-2-3-4-right hand fist- arms in fists by my sides) Oct. 8th was our second competition and we got second BUT we went up 4 points, which is a huge jump!! Oct. 14th was Senior night and I felt beautiful out on that field, and yes I did ALMOST cry. Homecoming was nice, I went with Marie’s little brother and I felt beautiful again. The sport rally thing was soo much fun!!!! Oct. 23 was our next compitition because the one on the 22nd got rained out and we got i think it was 5th. we went up maybe half a point. Oct. 29th was John’s 20th birthday. I got him a picture frame with a collage of 3 photos of us. when he opened it he hid behind my shoulder and started to cry. I didn’t know what to do. I asked if he liked it and he said yes thank you so much I love it. I thought that he couldn’t be crying just because of my gift what was going on and all he said was “sorry, it;s just, my birthday is always very stressful.” I still don’t know what happened that day. but I had a great time with him and I hope he also had a great birthday. Oct. 30th was trick or treat and this was the first year i WASNT going door to door. instead I was at my friend Hunter’s house doing his haunted trail. I was the first person the the people walking through would see, I was in the asylum. sadly an hour in it started to thunderstorm. my friends were next in line to walkthrough.I was so upset because I was having an awesome time. Oct. 31st I dressed up as a Disney villain for school and that night was the halloween Parade and since I am the only sport captain I get to walk in the front all by myself!!!. I messed up a couple of times but that is because I was so nervous that I would mess up and the girls behind me would make fun of me.. which I think they did. anyway that night was still fun. My school’s first time going to a big sport’s competition was Nov. 5th and it was a long bus ride and we had to be there at like 4am. sadly we took 6th out of 8th but we moved up a little more than a point which is the good thing. I was behind on a lot of history work because everytime I had a college visit or a guidance appointment it was during third period. luckily I have a teacher who is still letting me make up all the work im missing. Nov 5-13th we had off for a teachers convention (this is including the weekends btw) and this whole week we were in PA and I looked and my 2 top colleges Seton Hill <3 and West Chester. they were both so beautiful. both so very different. but both so beautiful. Seton Hill is still my top school. Nothing else really has happened since then. I finished my first draft of my college essay today, yesterday I applied for the community college near me, and started on the applications to the other schools I want to apply to. hopefully Ill apply soon. Tomorrow (later today(it is 3am)) starts a few new clubs I joined so I am excited for that, and I believe this year’s musical’s info is coming out either tomorrow (later today) or tuesday (tomrrow). being sport captain is so so so so much fun but very stressful because I know the 4 years do not like having a 3 year tell them what to do. I hear the whispers I am not dumb. but i am putting on my brave face and ignoring it because that is what I have to do. oh and one last thing. Justin is like in love with me and keeps flirting with me. I told him to stop many times and then he does, but then starts up again, the last time he did it was very recent and John said he is getting real tired of it so I hope Justin really does stop this time because I want to be FRIENDS with him because he is a nice kid, but that is all i can and WANT to be, friends. okay now I think you are all caught up. Till next time. Peace.

#journal #journal entry #journal entries #sharing

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