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calm-and-wine · 3 years

Text

(I’d be) everything you need

hello beautiful people - here is a little fun story written for the @1dffchallenges quarantine challenge.

huge thank you to @booksncoffee for another stunning banner and to @yourpolaroid07 (i have no idea why i can’t tag you) for being the greatest gem and reading over it for me and correcting all my stupid mistakes.

so, here it is, hope it will make you smile because i sure did have a lot of fun writing this. if you like it, please come talk to me

(I’d be) everything you need

(Niall’s texts are in bold, Katie’s are in italics)

“Mum, I swear I’ll be fine. I’ll place an order and just get some takeaway tonight.” Katie assured, having had this discussion pretty much every time they spoke over the last few days.

“Bug, you have no idea how long an order is processed right now. It can take up to a week, if not longer. You can’t order all your meals,” her mum reasoned.

“Well, what do you want me to do?” she huffed irritated. Sure, she knew her mum had the best intentions and was probably worried, but she had just gotten off the flight. It was an especially cold and windy night in England and all she wanted was to get into her bed. Even the perspective of having to spend the next two weeks locked up in her flat, didn’t make her crave home any less.

“Just call Niall. I’m sure he’d be happy to help.”

Katie rolled her eyes, glad her mother couldn’t see her. She mentioned asking Niall for help before Katie even left the country. But she did not want to contact Niall. Her and Niall weren’t exactly friends. Sure, they’ve known each other for years, but Niall Horan was Josh’s friend, not hers. Did she have a crush on her older brother’s best friend? Well, that was a whole other story and not the point at all.

She hadn’t even seen Niall in forever. The last time they were both back home was over a year ago. And now she was just supposed to call him up and ask for help? Katie did not like asking for help, having to rely on others, owe any favours. Especially from people who weren’t her family. Or family-like.

“Okay, mum, I’m getting into the cab. Have a good night, yeah?” she said, partly because she did indeed hail a taxi, but mostly because she didn’t want to go in circles in this conversation, they’ve been over it already. Sure, Katie didn’t really have anyone close enough to rely on at times like these, she had a few colleagues, but those were mates to go to a pub with once a month or have a small chat in the break room, not burden them with groceries, because of the mandatory quarantine upon her return.

Her mum sighed, knowing she couldn’t make her daughter do anything. “You too, sweetie. Keep in touch, please. Let me know if anything is wrong,” she said, the worry evident in her voice.

“Of course, love you,” Katie replied, her irritation dissolving slightly. There wasn’t a doubt in her head that her mum’s heart was in the right place, but she hated when people worried about her like that, some part of her always felt guilty for making them feel that way.

1st day of quarantine

“Hello?” Katie answered her ringing phone, curious about who it might be. It was usual for her to get unknown calls on her work phone, but not her private one.

“Kitty Kat!” She didn’t even have to ask to know who was on the other side of the line, not only the booming happy voice was familiar, but there was only one person who called her that. And even though she spent years telling him that the nickname was awful, after not hearing it for so long, it made her smile.

“Hello Niall,” she said, setting her laptop down on the coffee table and focusing on the call.

“Heard you need some help. I did hesitate to accept though, because I was quite hurt it was Josh calling me and not you.” He sounded exactly how she remembered, his voice laced with a joking undertone, his usual easygoing attitude seeping through.

“I… I’m fine, really.” Katie was gonna kill her brother. Maybe he wanted to help, but he made her look incompetent to take care of herself, which she did not appreciate.

“Oh, so you’re not stuck at home for the next two weeks with an empty fridge?” She didn’t even have to see Niall to know he just raised a brow in mock surprise. She could just tell from his tone. But she did wonder what he looked like now. Whether his hair was still natural brown instead of the blonde he used to dye it. Whether his shoulders were even wider than the last time she had seen him. Whether he still had a very small belly from all the beer he had been drinking or maybe he had abs now.

“Umm.. No, I have some leftover takeaway from last night,” she assured, just slightly embarrassed.

He sighed. “Look, it’s no problem, I promise. Just text me the list, I have a few hours before work anyway.”

Katie hesitated for a moment, but no matter how much she hated admitting it, she really did need help. “Okay, thank you.”

“Oh and text me your address, too. How does your brother not know where you live?” He sounded surprised, which she understood, considering she had a pretty good relationship with Josh.

She chuckled. “Because he’s a little prick who hasn’t visited me yet. And surprisingly enough, he never orders me any gifts.”

Niall snickered. “He’s twice your height, I think that’s barely ‘little’. And he’s older.”

“Heeeey, he’s not that much taller than me!” She whined offended, even though he was.

He let out a laugh, a true belly laugh, one she hadn’t heard in years actually. But she’d know that laugh anytime anywhere, he just had one of those special ones. “Sure, sure. And he’s not even that tall either, you’re just tiny.”

“No, I’m not!” She disagreed, although she definitely didn’t count to the tall part of the population. But she was not that short.

“That’s okay, you’re cute.” His words made Katie blush. She was sure he thought nothing of them, the words slipping easily off his tongue, like he didn’t even have to think about them. “Oh and don’t do that thing when you’ll try and buy everything for the next two weeks, I really don’t mind doing a few more grocery runs for you. Wouldn’t want you to get sick from unfresh foods.”

She licked her lips to keep from smiling, because of how thoughtful he was. “Thank you.”

“Okay, I’m hanging up then, it’s good to talk to you again, Kitty Kat.” The whole conversation made her heart beat a teeny tiny bit faster, the warmth of hearing a familiar voice and Niall being so nice, flowing through her entire body.

“You too, Niall. And thank you, I’ll send the list in a minute.”

So she did, trying to keep it as basic as possible, only the actual necessary products. Her intercom rang a mere hour later. She buzzed Niall in and waited behind closed doors, having to restrain herself from observing him through the peephole. He knocked on her door softly to let her know he was leaving the bags. She waited a few seconds, giving him time to leave safely, after all the whole point of this was avoiding interactions with other people. She brought the bags inside and pretty much sprinted to the window, hoping he hadn’t left yet. She was lucky enough to have a window going out onto the entrance of the building.

It was a few seconds before Niall appeared outside. Katie didn’t have a clear view of him, especially not his face, but she noticed his hair was darker, long gone was the blonde he used to dye it into. He seemed taller, though that was pretty unlikely. More muscular. He looked grown up. Seeing him like this, after quite some time, she felt a slight flutter in her stomach. It made her excited. And Katie wondered whether he thought about her like that, imagining what she looked like now, whether she changed, what hairstyle was she wearing, whether she gained weight or slimmed down, what kind of makeup did she like now. Was he excited to find out?

She didn’t like admitting it, but truth be told, she always had a little crush on Niall Horan. And Katie hated it, because it was such a cliche, liking your older brother’s best friend. But she did. Niall was funny and kind. He loved bickering with her, but it wasn’t like her brother’s teasing, it made her feel special. He had a nickname just for her. Kitty Kat came to be because Josh liked calling her Kate, knowing she hated it, it not being her actual name. But Niall’s nickname didn’t make her irritated, no matter how much she pretended it did. It made her warm inside, like she was important enough to be referred to in an individual way.

But she had to stop thinking those thoughts Niall was helping her because he had a good heart. And because he was a family friend. That was it. He did not have a special place in his heart for her, no matter how much she imagined he maybe did in the past.

She moved from the window a few minutes after he disappeared and went to unpack the groceries. She was irritated there was no receipt, Niall was supposed to let her know how much she owed him, having refused when she offered to transfer some money beforehand. But there was another piece of paper. A post-it note stuck to the carton of eggs.

please let me know as soon as you need anything else. i’ll be doing some shopping for myself later in the week, so it’s no problem. happy to help, N xx

She refused to dwell on the xs. But the note as a whole was very sweet. In fact, Katie may or may not have put it on her fridge.

5th day of quarantine

Katie was trying to work through the splitting headache, but it was not going well. The last three days, she felt like the headache and burning eyes were her only constant companions. Other than that, she was feeling okay. No cough, no temperature, nothing. It was just because she was staring at the screen all day (and some nights), working and working, crunching numbers, filling and checking spreadsheets. Her eye actually started twitching yesterday, which wasn’t a good sign. Unfortunately, she ran out of ibuprofen. And magnesium. She was quite desperate, the pain making it near impossible to focus on anything.

So eventually, she gave in, sending a text to Niall.

very sorry to be a bother, but could you maybe possibly go to the pharmacy for me?

She did not expect her phone to start ringing just a second after. Since that first day, Niall hadn’t called her. He checked in on her a few times (almost every day, sometimes just sending her memes or funny things that happened to him, instead of starting the conversation with “are you alright?”), but it was always through texts. But now he was calling her and she was so shocked, it must have been at least a fourth ring when she answered.

“Hiya, sorry, it’s okay if -” she started.

He didn’t let her finish though, rushing out his questions, sounding a little bit worried. “What’s wrong? Are you feeling alright?”

“Yeah, I’m okay, just ran out of ibuprofen,” she explained.

“Do you have any symptoms?” he asked, not entirely convinced.

“No, no, it’s not that,” she assured. “Just a splitting headache from too much work and computer time. And also a magnesium deficiency, probably.”

“Are you sure?” he asked again, but this time his voice was much calmer, almost back to normal.

“Yes, I’ve been drinking a shit ton of coffee everyday to even attempt to keep up with my work and I’m just a bit wiped out.”

“Okay, I can’t really go out right now, I’m at work, but -”

This time Katie was the one who cut him off. “Oh, it’s fine, really.”

“BUT,” he continued despite the interruption, his voice a bit more stern, “I just texted my roommate, so it shouldn’t take too long.”

If only he could see her now, he would notice a look of horror that crossed her face. “No, Niall, I don’t want to bother anyone.”

“Oh stop, he’s a nice guy and he can leave his work for half an hour. He owed me a favour anyway.” Niall made it seem like the most trivial thing and she really did need the medicine, so she gave up fighting.

“Well, be sure to thank him for me,” she said instead. “Buy him a nice beer.”

He chuckled. “Okay, I will. But you’re really okay? You’d tell me if you were getting sick, right?”

“Well, it’s not like you could come take care of me anyway.” She meant it as a joke, expecting Niall to let out another of his signature chuckles, but he did quite the opposite, sounding a bit exasperated.

“Why not?”

“I can’t exactly see people at the moment, remember?” She said gently, not really sure about his mood.

Niall huffed. “Do you really think I’d care about that? Just let you be alone if you were sick?”

She swallowed, her throat suddenly dry. All she wanted to ask was ‘why wouldn’t you’, but she bit her lip, too afraid, not wanting to make things weird just because she probably thought a bit too much about his words.

Katie took a breath before speaking, trying to sound lighthearted. “Well, it’s good I’m not sick, so you don’t have to risk your own health.”

“You’d let me know though, right?” He persisted.

“Yeah, I would.” She wanted to add another joke saying she’d need someone to get her medicine, but the mood was not light and funny, the atmosphere suddenly very thick.

“Alright, good.” It seemed like he finally exhaled after getting his answer. “Well, I have to go back to work, I’ll text you when Pete brings the meds.”

“Okay. Thank you,” was all Katie could muster out through her fighting thoughts.

how’s the headache?

completely gone, thanks to your brilliant roommate

heeeey i’m the one who sent him on that quest!

hahahaha

i know

thank you, again

damn, i never thought i’d be saying so many thank yous to niall horan

can’t say i’m complaining

but on a more serious note, do you like pop quizzes?

hmmm yeah? i think i only did pub quiz like once or twice, but it was fun

why?

me and a few mates are doing one tomorrow, you should join

how bad is your memory? i can’t go to the pub

who’s talking about a pub?

we’re doing it on zoom

it’s still staring at the screen, but it’s not work and it seems like you need some fun

yeah, i guess i kinda do. thank you, but i don’t want to impose

you won’t, i just invited you

still…

it’s just a few mates, i promise it’s all good. i actually already told them you’re joining

and they hate being blown off

oh yeah, no pressure

haha no but seriously, if you don’t want to that’s fine, but i think you’ll enjoy it

okay. thank you. you’ll send me the details?

of course

should i prepare anything?

nope, just yourself. and your brilliant mind

we’re switching, someone else preparing questions everytime, so you have to wait your turn

The mention of her becoming a part of their regular quiz made her stomach flutter slightly. She dared having this little hope of actually becoming friends with Niall, or rather maintaining some form of contact, but this was still unexpected. But also very nice to know he kind of wanted that too.

6th day of quarantine

When Katie’s phone started ringing and she noticed her brother’s face lighting up the screen, she smiled. The last time they had spoken was when she called to give him a piece of mind for calling Niall for her, but she actually loved and appreciated her brother very much. Maybe they weren’t the absolute closest, but they had a good relationship. There was this knowledge deep down that they’d jump through fire for the other, if need be.

“Hiya,” she answered, wrapping up the email she was writing (she might or might not be getting some work done on a Saturday).

“Why is Niall calling me asking about your favourite alcohol?” Josh asked right away, no hello needed. He sounded very curious, loving to pry into her life a bit.

Katie laughed, having received a text from Niall informing her of a package waiting outside her door, which turned out to be three bottles of wine and a note saying quizzes are no fun without booze.

“What can I say, he takes good care of my needs,” she replied, half-jokingly.

“I told him it’s whiskey,” her brother informed, very much knowing she did not like whiskey. The only drink she was able to swallow was whiskey sour, but it was definitely not her favourite.

“Wow, thanks for that, Jojo,” she said, her words dripping with sarcasm.

He whined at the nickname he hated, but had to endure since they were kids.

“He did call bullshit though and asked about wine. So I told him red, naturally.” Just by his tone, she could say he had a shit-eating grin on his face, very proud of himself.

Katie furrowed her brows. All three bottles that were sitting in her fridge currently were white. Either Niall knew her brother well enough to catch the lies, which he probably did after years of friendship, or he somehow knew her.

“You’re a dick,” she laughed.

“That’s what older brothers are for, Kate. But in a serious matter, I hope you’re not getting too buddy-buddy, I couldn’t stand you two ganging up on me.”

She bit her lip, deciding it was probably best to not mention her plans for tonight. It wasn’t a big deal anyway, Niall was just a nice guy, who was probably feeling sorry for her, because she had no friends here and was sitting alone for days, spending most of her time working.

“Oh we’re gonna be best friends in no time, you should be very scared.”

Katie was nervous. In fact, she was nervous about a number of things. First of all, the quiz with Niall’s friends. She didn’t know any of those people and she was scared of making a fool of herself. Secondly, she was about to skype with Niall. He offered to have a little chat before the quiz, so he could introduce the group a little, explain who’s who and all that. But it was going to be the first time she’d truly see him and he, her. Well, through the screen of course, but still.

And now she was worrying she might have gone a little overboard with her look. It was nice to have a reason to dress up in something fancier than leggings and an oversized sweater, to even put some makeup on. But, because it was the first time Niall will see her in quite a bit (especially up close), she made an actual effort. (But she didn’t care about that, she was not wondering whether he’ll even pay attention to her looks, not at all).

When the music she was playing suddenly cut off, replaced with the ringtone of an incoming skype call, her throat instantly dried up. She took a sip of her wine before answering, her laptop screen taken over by Niall’s smiling face, literally brightening it up.

He was wearing a button down, it wasn’t necessarily an elegant one, but still a nice one, his hair looked styled, like he actually took the time to tame it. It seemed like he made sure to look good, like he cared. And it excited her because maybe, just maybe, he wanted to look good for her too. Or maybe he liked someone from his friend group and was dressing up for them.

“I see you’re putting the wine to good use. Did I pick a good one?” he asked, taking a sip of his beer, a proud grin on his face.

Katie smiled, her nerves slightly easing. No matter how much he might have changed and grown, he was still familiar.

“Yes, thank you. Although I am a bit worried what kind of idea you have of me based on the amount of bottles you got me,” she joked, taking another sip.

He let out a booming laugh, one that made something in her flutter. “Nah, there’s just never enough wine,” he shrugged. “Although personally I'm more of a beer guy. But you have over a week more of quarantine, you may need it.”

“I heard you sought some guidance from my brother,” she inquired with a raised brow, sly grin taking over her features.

Niall grunted, covering his face in embarrassment. To her, it was incredibly cute that he went to so much trouble just to get her something she liked. “Did he really sell me out? What an asshole.”

“Yup,” she replied, actually proud of her brother for telling her. “But, surprisingly enough, you didn’t buy red wine. Nor whiskey, thankfully.”

“Yeah, I figured he was lying, I remember how much you both loved teasing each other,” he chuckled just at the memory of many fights and banters. “Apparently, still can’t let the opportunity pass.”

“Oh, never,” she laughed along with him. “Okay, talk to me about your friends. What should I expect?”

“Wait, before we get to that, why do you actually need to quarantine? Were you on some crazy vacations?” he asked the question that’s been on his mind ever since his roommate asked him about it.

“Oh. Well, not really, I was visiting Frankie, that’s my best friend from uni. She lives in Brussels now. I was thinking of cancelling, but we spent most of the time just staying in or being really careful, you know, not taking any unnecessary risks, so I guess the worst part was the flight.” She shrugged, constantly wishing her two best friends weren’t scattered around the world.

“I see,” he nodded in understanding. “Had a good time, then?”

“Oh yeah, very! Haven’t seen her in forever. Really needed that as well. I, um…,” she tucked her hair behind her ear timidly, looking down for a second. “I don’t have many friends here, really. As you might have noticed,” she chuckled nervously.

“Finding it hard to meet people?” he asked with furrowed brows, but didn’t even wait for a response, another question coming to his mind. “Actually, how long have you lived here? I think the last I’d heard, you were in Chicago?”

“Seattle,” she corrected. “Yeah, I left like 7 months ago. I got offered a transfer here and a little promotion, I guess, a chance to prove myself, which was an amazing opportunity. I had to go to San Francisco for 4 weeks of training, before coming here though.” She explained, hoping he wouldn’t dig deeper on the subject, because it was not a conversation she wanted to have with him right now.

“That sounds amazing, congrats,” he said simply and she exhaled in relief.

“Thanks,” she chuckled. “But yeah, so I’ve been here a while, but haven’t really made friends yet.”

“I guess working from home is not really helpful, huh?” he observed.

“No, it definitely isn’t.”

“Well, I’m always around if you want to hang out. Or go out once this whole pandemic calms down,” he proposed and she smiled appreciatively. “Okay, let’s give you some dirt on my mates, then.”

The quiz was actually very fun. Katie hadn’t laughed that much in a bit, it would be a very long time if she hadn’t counted her time in Belgium. She met six of Niall’s friends, two of them were friends from work, plus a girlfriend of one of them, one was a friend from his little soccer team and the last two were friends from uni, who were also a couple. Everyone was incredibly nice, making sure she felt welcomed and included, going as far as explaining most of their inside jokes.

They had this tradition of one question dedicated to each person taking part, so they gave Katie a minute to come up with her own question about herself, since they didn’t know her well enough. She panicked a bit, her mind going blank, so she went with what came to her mind first, which was who she went to prom with, the answers being her ex that she broke up with a week before, her best friend or alone. Surprisingly, no one got it right, not even Niall.

“Did you really go to prom with your ex?” he asked, when they talked right after the quiz. It just so happened that they ended up being the only two left on the call, everyone else disconnecting as soon as they were finished.

“Yup,” she laughed, filling up her wine glass. They were both pretty tipsy already, on their path to drunk. “But we were friendly! You know, we were just going to different unis and stuff, it just wasn’t that serious. And everyone else was already taken!”

“Well, you could have always asked me,” he said, shrugging nonchalantly.

“Are you kidding? You used to tease me about it whenever I saw you my senior year!”

He did, whenever he came home from uni (which was a lot during his first year) and saw her, always asking whether she had a hot date yet.

“Yeah, ‘cause I wanted to take you!” Niall exclaimed.

“What? Now that’s just lies,” she chuckled incredulously.

“Absolutely not, I had a little crush on you.” Niall’s eyes were focused on his fingers picking at the beer bottle label.

“No, you didn’t,” she shook her head, although her mind went straight back to the question about him in the quiz - who was his first crush. The answer choices were his teacher, his friend’s mum or his friend’s sister. As soon as it was asked, he whined, a blush flushing his cheeks. But when it was announced that the correct answer was his friend’s sister, she was pretty sure his eyes were trained on her, like he wanted to see her reaction. As much as a rational part of her brain didn’t want to misinterpret the whole situation and get false hope, she did wonder if there was a possibility that it might have been her.

“Excuse me, I think I know my feelings better, thank you very much,” he said, pretending to be offended. “I just hid it well. Maybe too well.” Niall added the last part as an afterthought, quietly, but not enough for her to miss it.

Maybe it was the wine, or maybe just Niall’s (virtual) presence that had her feeling brave, like he made her giddily nervous, but also brought a sense of safety and calm. Whatever it was, she was feeling brave enough to say, “funny, I had a crush on you, too. What a cliche, huh?”

He scrunched his brows in confusion. “How so?”

She shrugged, little half-smile on her face. “Liking your brother’s best friend.”

“More cliche than liking your best friend’s little sister?” He inquired, before taking a gulp of beer.

She laughed, her mind a bit too fuzzy to comprehend that they just admitted to liking each other. Once upon a time, at least. “I guess we’re just a pair of walking cliches.” Katie quirked as she hid her timid smile behind her wine glass.

10th day of quarantine

Katie was fucked, there was no other way to put it. She was usually so good with planning and thinking ahead, always trying to be prepared, but at the most unfortunate time, it slipped her mind. She forgot her period was coming, or rather she forgot she was running out of tampons. And now she was stuck in her apartment, pondering if the possible fee for violating the quarantine is worth saving her from the massive embarrassment. Even though she was actually too responsible to go out now.

If Niall was a good friend, she wouldn’t have that much of a problem asking him for it. She would have no problem asking him if he was a woman. And she would definitely have less of a problem, if she didn’t like him.

But, no matter what, she had a problem and he was pretty much the only person she could count on to help her right now. So she swallowed her pride, pulled all of her courage and rang Niall, because she felt like, no matter how embarrassing, the situation required a proper call, not a text.

He answered on the second ring. “Hey, everything good? You’re not dying, are ya?” His words were joking, but his voice had a serious undertone, he even sounded a little worried.

“A bit,” she chuckled nervously, “but not because of the obvious. You’re not going to the shop today by any chance?”

“What do you need?” he asked, instead of answering her question.

“Well, this will be awkward, but…” Katie started, but hesitated for a second, biting her lip.

“Hit me,” he encouraged.

“I got my period and I forgot I have like one tampon left.” Even though she obviously couldn’t see him, she closed her eyes, like her shame burned them, spitting out the words as fast as possible.

“Oh,” he let out a little sound of surprise, clearing his throat right after to mask it. “Alright, just send me which ones you want and I’ll get them.”

“I hate being a burden.”

“Stop it, you’re not a burden,” he reassured right away. “I was actually going to the shop anyway, need a few things. Just text me, so I don’t forget and add whatever else you want, yeah?”

Niall’s words made her smile, she wasn’t sure if he really was going shopping, or just said it to make her feel better, but she just appreciated his reaction, not making a big deal out of it, just accepting her ask and thinking nothing more of it. She knew a lot of guys who would be so lost hearing that kind of request, but Niall was nothing if not alright. And that was just another great quality of his that she needed to add to the list in her mind that was growing scarily quick.

“Okay, thank you. You’re saving my life, kinda.”

“Mmm, I’m sure we’ll figure out a way for you to pay me back, no worries,” he laughed, before ending the call.

An hour later, Katie got the text to pick up the bag from her door. There was no sign of Niall, as usual, but there was a bag with not only the tampons she asked for, but also with two different types of pads, a bag of chips, frozen pizza, some fresh fruits, four different chocolate bars and cookies n cream ice cream. There was also another note inside.

thought some of those might help make you feel better, N xx

And there he was with the xs again. It was probably just the way he signed everything. Either way, the care package was incredibly thoughtful, so Katie picked up her phone to text him.

was not expecting a package like that. that’s a lot of stuff. but thank you, that’s very sweet

just wasn’t sure what you like. El always ate pretty much sweets only, while Lil loved stuffing herself with salty snacks and fast foods

Elaine and Liliana were his older sisters, Lil was married and with a child on the way, five years older than Niall, while Elaine was just two years older than him. Maybe that was the reason why he had no problem helping her today, having grown up with sisters always made guys act a bit different, or at least that’s what her mum always said.

wasn’t sure about the ice cream flavour though, so played it a bit safe

cookies and creams is a good one

what’s your favourite?

pistachio

okay, noted

Katie couldn’t explain why, but even little comments like that made her heart beat just a tiny bit faster. It wasn’t just because he was attentive to details, but it was like he wanted to know more about her, to soak every piece of information in. And then there were comments like that, the kind that made her think about the future, not just the immediate one right after her quarantine, but the actual future. Will they just stay friendly? Become best friends? Or will one of them be brave enough to make the first step into more? Katie didn’t know if there was more in the cards. When it came to her, it wasn’t just that stupid crush from her youth that came back. The feelings grew and were constantly growing, as she got to know more and more of Niall. But she didn’t know how he was feeling. Maybe there were signs, but she was never that great at reading them. Time will tell if one of them will pluck the courage to take that leap of faith, or if she just misread the situations. A part of her was very anxious about it, but another part was excited. And all of her was hopeful.

12th day of quarantine

“Catch me up on your life. I feel like the last time I really knew what was happening with you was high school,” Niall inquired, folding his hands to rest his chin on top. He looked adorable like this.

It was a Friday night and they were skyping. Just the two of them, having drinks over video call. As it turns out, they do their pop quiz every other week and so he asked her if she wanted to hang out with him to survive her last days of solitude.

“Oh, you think you knew what was going on in my life back then?” Katie chuckled, a sly grin on her face.

“Well, I was in your house like every other day,” he reasoned.

“Please, even I didn’t know what was happening in my life at that time.” She joked, because, if she was being honest, high school was a mess.

He laughed. “Yeah, okay, point taken. But still, how was uni for you? How did you end up at the company you’re working for now?”

“Uni was fun. Stressful, most of the time, but I have some good memories. And the company was just a fluke,” she shrugged, taking a sip of her wine, the last bottle of the three Niall bought her last week.

“Was it hard leaving Seattle behind?” he asked.

“Um..” she got embarrassed, nibbling on her bottom lip, clearly thinking over her answer. “Yes and no, I guess. I mean… I had a boyfriend,” she admitted, going into the story she didn’t like retelling, but actually didn’t mind that much right now. Not only because she trusted Niall, but because she was over that whole situation, even if it still brought up some unpleasant memories. “We had been together for about two years. And he didn’t want to move here with me. Like, didn’t even consider it. Just outright told me to reject the offer, basically. And most of our friends took his side. I guess they were mostly his friends to begin with, but it still stung. So yeah, it was hard, but there also really wasn’t much left for me there.” When she finished, she shrugged again, hoping to look quite unbothered, as it really was just a thing of the past. Katie took another sip of wine, while Niall looked at her with a look that she couldn’t decipher. But thankfully, it wasn’t pitiful.

“Okay, first, I’m sorry,” he said after a second. “But second, that was such a dick move. I mean, it was a huge opportunity for you and he expected you to just give it up? Like an ultimatum? Not even ‘we can work it out’ or something?” He sounded genuinely surprised, even a little disgusted, which made Katie smile slightly, his reaction making her feel better.

“It was more like ‘if you’re even considering taking it, then fuck you’, so yeah, pretty much,” she said, her words feeling much lighter than before.

“Wow,” Niall chuckled humorlessly. “He really did not know how lucky he was to have you.”

“Stoooop,” she said, her face growing hot.

“No, I’m serious. I’d say good riddance to him.”

“I kinda see it now too, to be honest,” she admitted, a faint smile on her lips. “It did make me realise how he didn’t really love me. Noticed a bunch of not great behaviours, actually. So hey, it’s all for the better.”

“Oh for sure.”

“What about you? Any tragic love story?” Katie asked, reaching for her glass.

“Umm…” he took a big gulp of his beer, while she raised her brow, indicating it was her time to grill him. “Kinda the opposite of your story, actually,” Niall admitted.

“You’re joking,” she gasped, her eyes growing wider.

“Nope,” he shook his head, a half-smile on his lips. “I followed my girlfriend here. She got a great job, so I came with. It wasn’t far anyway, but yeah, she was the reason. I did say no to a proper job opportunity myself for that, actually. And then she dumped me four months later. Taking most of our mutual friends with her as well.”

Katie was pretty much speechless. She did hear he had a girlfriend, they moved in together here, but she hadn’t heard when it ended and definitely not how. “Wow,” a shaky laugh escaped her lips. “Bad breakup?” she asked after a second.

Niall licked his lips. “Not the worst, I mean, there wasn’t any cheating or anything, although she did get another boyfriend like two weeks later. But it did suck. We got a flat together and everything. I get that you can fall out of love with someone or whatever, but I did rearrange my life for her, so you know, if she was having doubts back then…” He let his voice linger. It’s been a while since he thought about her, even the last time they accidentally crossed paths a few months ago, he hadn’t really felt anything anymore.

“She should have said it,” Katie finished his thought and he nodded.

“Yeah. It felt a little out of the blue. But it’s been over a year now, so I’ve dealt with that. It was the most exciting story about my life, though. Other than that it’s just work, footie, pub quizzes and booze,” he chuckled, taking another gulp of his beer, as to prove his point.

“A boring life is the best kind, though,” she noticed. “I think it’s so underrated. I’d take stability over drama anyday.”

“Yes! Thank you!” Niall got excited, scooting a little closer and even pointing a finger at her through the screen. “That’s what I think too.”

“Great minds think alike,” she laughed, moving her finger between them two.

It was probably the most personal conversation she had ever had with Niall. And it felt good. Maybe not exactly because their stories were good, but because she felt like there was a certain level of understanding. He was such an easy person to talk to, no matter the subject. And this conversation, hearing his story, made her appreciate him even more, especially his character. Being willing to sacrifice himself for love was a big thing. She just hoped that he still had it in him, that the past didn’t make him close his heart off, but by his honesty and vulnerability, she didn’t think that was the case. And that really did make her happy.

They were quiet for a moment, at first just kind of looking at each other with soft eyes, feeling somehow connected, even through a computer screen. But then Katie furrowed her brows before crossing her eyes, which made Niall also pull a face, before they both burst out laughing.

“Well, I didn’t know the friends who took her side, but the ones you have now are pretty great,” she said, closing the subject. “Thanks for inviting me to the quiz last week, it was a lot of fun.”

“Thank you for joining us. And you know you’re already invited to the next one.”

Katie smiled, looking down for a second. When she raised her eyes again, Niall was giving her a weird look, like he couldn’t figure her out.

“What?” she asked.

He shrugged. “You say thank you too much.”

She chuckled, “well, I was raised right.”

“Yeah, but you don’t have to say it for everything. We’re actually just hoping you won’t blow us off when your quarantine is over,” he said.

“You? Never,” she said, her words making matching grins appear on both their faces.

1 day after quarantine

To be honest, Katie didn’t know what she was doing. It was the first day of her freedom and she invited Niall for dinner. She was making a dish that was his favourite when they were younger, her mum used to always tell Josh to invite Niall around, when she was cooking it. She wanted to do something nice for him, to repay him for all the help. Another reason might have been the fact that she really wanted to see him. As nice as texting and skype was, she wanted to be face to face with him, hear his voice clearly, not slightly distorted by her laptop speakers. Maybe even touch him.

To say she was nervous would be an understatement. She went crazy yesterday, cleaning the entire flat, then ironing half of her clothes, because she couldn’t decide on one outfit she might want to wear. She eventually settled on a casual black skirt, with a slightly sheer, emerald blouse. Her hair was pinned up a bit messily, while she still hadn’t decided if she’s gonna keep it that way or let it loose, or maybe tie it up… She put some makeup on, but didn’t want to overdo it. It was just a casual dinner with a childhood friend, after all.

Just seconds after she turned off the stove, her doorbell rang. It was like the sound went to her heart instead of her ears, making it beat just a little bit faster, excited about the person waiting outside.

Katie pulled off her apron quickly and went to welcome her guest, finally.

“Hiya,” Niall said as soon as she pulled the door open. He squeezed in next to her, handing her a bottle of wine and taking off his jacket. “Oh my god, do I smell chilli?” he asked, turning to face her as soon as he hung it up.

Katie smiled, just seeing him made her happy, but his words and the excited glint in his eyes made her even happier. “Yeah. I got my mum’s recipe, so hopefully it’ll be at least half as good as hers,” she shrugged innocently, trying to check him out as discreetly as possible.

He looked good, the screen did him no justice and he looked good even then. In the flesh he looked more buff, definitely spent his lockdown working out. His hair looked softer and more fluffy and there was a slight stubble on his face. The simple t-shirt he was wearing clung beautifully to his bicep.

“That recipe is like your family’s best kept secret,” he said, eyes wide.

She laughed. “It’s really not, my mum just didn’t want yours to have it, because she loved you coming over and praising her.”

“Oh and you’re hoping for that same praise, aren’t you?” Niall asked, with a raised brow.

She chuckled again, shrugging her shoulder like she didn’t even know what he was talking about. And then he took a step closer and wrapped her in a hug.

“It’s good to finally see you properly. You look beautiful,” he said so close to her ear, she could feel his breath on her neck, raising goosebumps on its way.

It only took her a second to settle into the hug, her arms around his waist, her face nuzzled into his neck, breathing in the mixture of freshly washed clothes and his cologne. The thing was, Niall was an amazing hugger. She knew it before, but now that he was slightly bigger, he was even better. And he smelt amazing. Katie had to force herself to pull away before it became an awkwardly long embrace.

“You look good as well, it’s nice to actually hang out.”

“Thanks for inviting me.”

“Thanks for all the help. Come on, I just turned the stove off, so we should eat while it’s hot.”

She gestured for him to go first into the kitchen, creating herself an opportunity to unashamedly look at his ass, which looked pretty good in his dark grey trousers.

Katie had been stressing all day if they’d have something to talk about. They had skyped twice and texted throughout most days, they were about to run out of topics to discuss at some point, right?

Well, apparently not anytime soon. They spent the whole meal talking between bites, Niall pretty much moaning at the first taste of chilli, which made Katie laugh unattractively, covering her mouth in an attempt to keep the food from spilling out. But the conversation just flowed so naturally between them. They actually sat at the table, in front of empty plates for almost an hour, just chatting, before they ran out of wine which eventually prompted them to move. They cleared the plates, opened another bottle of wine, this time the white one Niall had brought, and moved to the sofa.

“Can I ask you something?” Niall asked, waiting a second after they settled, while she was quickly responding to a text from her mum.

“Sure,” she said, putting her phone down and twisting her body towards him, one leg bent on the couch.

He looked down for a second, then licked his lips, before meeting her eyes again carefully. “Is this a date?”

“Well…” She bit her lip. “It was meant as a thank you, but I guess…” She hesitated for a second, but then saw a small flash of light in his eyes, which gave her that little bit of courage she needed. “It could be. If you want it to be.”

“See, that’s a tricky question,” he said with a grin, which made Katie raise her brows in question. “Because yes, I would very much like to be dating you, but it’s also weird not being the one organising the date, especially the first one. I just showed up, while you planned the whole thing.”

She laughed, her heart feeling instantly lighter, looking at him with admiration. “You can always take a lead with the second one.”

“Deal.”

He brushed the hair that escaped her updo out of her face, putting it behind her ear. Katie was pretty sure he was about to kiss her, but she didn’t want to wait a second longer, his earlier words giving her enough courage to lean in and be the one to initiate the kiss.

He tasted like wine and chilli, probably exactly the same way she did, but somehow the kiss was sweet, their mouths finding their rhythm easily, almost like they were meant to work together.

When they parted, she let out a soft laugh. One of disbelief. And happiness. She just kissed Niall. And now she had a bunch of butterflies fluttering in her stomach.

“What are you laughing about? Was it that terrible?” he asked, his voice a little bit panicked.

“No, god no, it was great,” Katie rushed to assure him, in case he couldn’t tell her emotions by the huge grin on her face. “It’s just… Unexpected. I really did not think we would end up like this.”

“How so?” His arm was holding her hip, as if he was making sure she didn’t pull away.

“I mean… Well, did you ever think we’d be here?” she asked him, not really sure how to explain her thoughts.

“Um… Not really, no. I used to think we’d date at some point, but when we had both gone to uni that hope kinda died,” he admitted.

“Really?”

“Yeah. Why are ya so surprised?” He chuckled at her reaction.

“I mean…” Katie hesitated for a moment, reaching for his hand to play with the ring on his finger. “Yeah, we apparently had a crush on each other back in the day. And we’ve known each other forever, but we also didn’t know each other that well, not really.”

“Yeah,” Niall sighed in understanding, “it’s this weird feeling of knowing someone for years while also just truly learning about them now. But it’s not necessarily bad though, is it?”

“Not at all, I like learning more about you. Getting closer to you.” She gave him a gentle smile, which he returned right away,

“That feeling is very mutual.”

“Life just works in a weird way, doesn’t it? We’ve been living pretty close to each other for months without even realising. And we haven’t spoken for over a year, but now it just…”

��Something clicked,” he shrugged, flicking her palm to trace mindless patterns on the back of it.

“Yeah, it did.”

“Maybe it was meant to be.” His words were so light, but at the same time, they held so much conviction, they made Katie’s heart soar.

“I guess we’ll have to wait and see, huh?” she asked cheekily. “I think it all depends on what you’ll prepare for that second date.”

He chuckled. “Oh wow, well, that chilli is gonna be hard to beat. But I feel like all the shopping I’ve done for you should count for something, you know, like a little advance.”

“Oh great, we haven’t even started dating properly and you’re already slacking. Nice one, Horan.”

Her words made him let out a booming laugh, his head thrown back. And all she could do was look at him and admire the beautiful man beside her, thanking the universe for giving them a chance to find each other.

“Do you have a morning shift tomorrow?” Katie asked, when another episode had ended. They talked some more, then kissed some more, before eventually settling down to watch some tv, enjoying the quiet moments of just holding each other, having more than enough words between them that night.

Even the small fact of him choosing a tv show to start watching together instead of a movie made her do a little mental note in her head. Because it was one more thing indicating that he wanted to do this again. If she even had any doubts still.

“Mmmm, no,” he says, rubbing at his eye sleepily. “I’m starting at two in the afternoon.”

Katie learned he had 3 possible work shifts when he texted her at midnight that he’s at the shop and they’ve run out of the cereal she wanted. He was an IT support specialist, which she found very interesting, although she didn’t understand a lot of his explanation when she asked him about his job.

“Do you wanna stay the night?” she asked. When he looked at her surprised, a flush appeared on her cheeks. “Just to watch another episode and go to sleep, I didn’t mean… like..”

“No, yeah, of course, I wouldn’t want to…” he rushed to say.

“Oh, you wouldn’t?” She looked at him with an arched brow, playful smile on her face. “So you’re not into me?”

“What? Shit, no, of course I am, come on, you should know that.” He raised his brows and both their minds went back to a moment when they were kissing earlier (well, some people would probably call it making out) and she felt his hardening dick on her tight.

She bit her lip to sustain a smile, because it was nice to feel that way, to feel wanted, but also for the other person to be open about it, not afraid to admit his feelings towards her. It’s been a while since she felt like that. Sexy, free, confident. A bit vulnerable, but safe.

“Yeah, I guess I do,” she said with a wicked smile, planting a kiss on his lips.

It was crazy how comfortable she felt with him. She didn’t hesitate to cuddle up to his body, didn’t think about going in for a kiss, even despite it being just hours since their first one. With Niall, there were just no doubts, not anymore.

“So sleep or one more episode?” he asked, his arm tucking her closer to him.

“Are you gonna fall asleep halfway through?”

“Nope, I’m pretty awake now, your proposal made me come alive again,” he chuckled, tickling her side, which made her yelp in surprise.

So they watched two more episodes before eventually getting ready to sleep. Katie took pride in being a good host, providing Niall with fresh towels and a toothbrush, before he even got the chance to ask. She also made him take the bathroom first, so she could put the blanket covering her bed and all the extra pillows away. She did a quick scroll through her socials, deliberately avoiding a text from Frankie, asking how the night had gone. She could wait until tomorrow, when Katie would call her for a proper gossip.

“Do you mind if I sleep in just my boxers?” Niall asked, walking out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped securely around his waist, his glistening chest on full display. He had definitely been working out. “I can wear a shirt too, if you want me to.”

Katie shook her head. “Whatever you’re comfortable with, I’m good with whatever,” she said, passing him with a smile to take her turn getting ready to sleep.

She tried to be as quick as possible, removing her makeup and brushing teeth. When she emerged, Niall was tucked in bed, on the left side, which was exactly the one that had always been empty, since she slept on the right.

Her pajamas were simple, consisting of cotton shorts and a simple t-shirt. After all, they still had time for something sexier, you shouldn’t play all your cards right away.

“First date and you already got me into bed,” he said watching her climb under the sheets. “Damn, woman, you’re good.”

There was a huge grin on his face, which made it impossible for her not to mirror his expression.

“You took my side,” she said, fluffing her pillow before lying down. The bedside lamp was the only source of light in the room, which bathed them both in the golden glow. Niall couldn’t tear his eyes away from her, she looked stunning.

“Oh shit, sorry, it actually looked less slept on,” he started explaining, making a move to get up. “We can switch.”

Katie laughed, putting a hand on his shoulder to stop him. “I’m just messing with you, you got it right.”

“Uhhh I hate you,” he whined, burrowing his head in the pillow. For a second he wished he really was on the wrong side, because then the pillow would smell of Katie and not fabric softener.

“Oh but you don’t. I’m pretty sure you said you liked me, actually,” she chuckled, loving the joking atmosphere that felt so natural between them.

“You’re lucky I have a soft spot for you,” he turned his head to look at her again. She moved closer, resting her head on the edge of his pillow, before moving after a second to plant a kiss on his lips.

It was impossible to not feel how his lips stretched into a smile during the kiss. It seemed like they spent the whole night just smiling and kissing. But neither of them were complaining.

With Niall it was all so easy. Sure, at times she might be a bit nervous, especially right before seeing him or talking to him, but once she felt his presence, most of it went away. She felt free. He had seen her do so much stupid shit over the years, she just knew he wouldn’t judge or be put off. It was just that level of comfort and familiarity, that was what he brought her. And she didn’t understand how, but at the same time he made her feel giddy and excited. It was like he calmed her and made her heart beat faster at the same time. It was against her logic, but she decided not to question it. Because there was no question to her that it was a good thing. She liked that feeling. She craved that feeling.

It was crazy how unexpectedly things could happen. Two weeks ago she didn’t even want to call him, not wanting to bother him, any relationship between them vanished over more than a year ago. And now she wanted to keep in contact with him as much as possible. She wanted to talk to him everyday. Somehow, over such a short time, he became a constant part of her day, whether it was sharing memes, random thoughts or having actual deep conversations. She never even thought she’d be here, falling for someone so fast. Least of all, falling for Josh’s best friend. But that was a funny thing about life and love, it crept up on you when you least expected it. And sometimes, it did so in simply the best way.

The pandemic was a horrific thing that affected countless people’s lives, but in a surprising twist of events, it gave Katie a light in such a dark time. And that light went by the name of none other than Niall Horan.

#1dff #1dffquarantine #1dff challenge #niall horan fanfiction #niall horan oneshot #one direction fanfiction #one direction one shot #niall horan fan fiction #niall horan one shot #one direction fan fiction #one direction oneshot #eyn

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mushyjellybeans · 4 years

Text

Bucky Barnes Pet Store (Bucky Barnes)

Summary: Your six month old border collie loves to steal toys every time she visits the pet store down the road from your home. Warnings: NONE, ALL FLUFF A/N: My submission for @chloerinebarnes and Starr’s 6 month writing challenge, thank you so much for allowing me to take part and HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY STARR! A/N #2: SECOND TIME LUCKY POSTING THIS.

Taglists are open // Requests are open // Mushymasterlist

"Come here Starr, c' mere girl!" You whistled to your six-month-old border collie puppy standing by the door with a leash in your hand.

You loved taking Starr for her daily walks, often to the park or you would enjoy visiting Bucky Barnes Pet Store just down the road from where you lived to look for new treats and blankets for Starr just because you loved spoiling her so much, she was your baby and you wouldn't have it any other way.

You had the sassiest and most opinionated puppy in the world, you were sure of it. What Starr wanted, you did. No questions asked.

Starr came bouncing out from the living room, jumping up on your legs for a stroke, her tail wagging and panting with excitement. You clipped the leash to her collar and grabbed the keys from the hook behind the door and walked out.

Starr was constantly pulling on her leash and the choking and coughing sounds she made constantly worried you, so your first stop was to the pet shop.

The bell above the door dinged as you opened it and you let Starr go in first, shutting the door firmly behind you.

"Ah good morning Y/N." Mr. Barnes greeted cheerfully, "How are my favorite customers?" He smiled resting his hands firmly on top of the busy counter. His hair tied back into a tight bun, a dark blue button-down shirt and his green apron with his shop logo sewed on the right side and his nametag on the left, he made every effort to look decent you noticed every time you walked in here.

Dog treats in the box on one side marked at just a couple of bucks each and miscellaneous objects and items on the other side, dog collars filled the glass display counter with various tubs of dog biscuits and items behind the owner.

"We are great. How are you, Mr. Barnes?" You politely replied, feeling Starr tug on the leash to get access to something on the bottom shelf.

"The sun is out, the shop is quiet. Can't complain." He chuckled.

"I agree with you there." You chuckled back, "I was wondering if you had any harnesses in stock to fit Starr?" You pondered curiously.

Bucky turned around and had a look on the hanger with multiple leashes, collars and harnesses were hanging in different sizes ranging from XS to XL.

He hummed as he sifted through his stock and picked one that might be in Starr's size.

"Can you bring her here for a moment?" He asked walking around the counter putting his pen inside of his apron pocket.

"C'mon Starr." You spoke sweetly to your pup, a smile was on Bucky's face at how much you adored your sweet border collie.

He remembers the first time you entered his shop a few days before you got here looking for puppy essentials, puppy pads, food bowls, a crate, a bed, some comforting toys, and some blankets.

The adoration the next time you walked through his small shop doors with the little innocent puppy in your arms, needing some urgent teething items because your toes were getting sore where she would chase you around your house all day biting and nibbling at your bones.

Bucky kneels down and fits the harness over Starr's body. She looks at him with curious eyes, her tongue hanging out and doesn't resist a quick lick to his hand, the sensation causing Bucky to erupt in giggles.

The harness fits perfectly, Bucky even adjusts the straps so it's a more secure fit and gives it a slight tug to make sure Starr won't slip out of it while you are out walking with her.

"Perfect!" He claims, standing up and rubbing his hands. "That was actually the last one too." He points out.

"Thank you, Mr. Barnes." You let go of Starr's leash for a second while you pay him for the harness and grab some special treats.

As you're preoccupied and engaging in a quiet conversation with Bucky, Starr is sniffing around the shop rummaging through the aisles and sits next to you again, until she spots the soft toys on the bottom shelf behind you and goes to grab one and sits by the door with her back to you.

A chuckle leaves your lips as you see how keen she is to go. "I better go. Thank you again, Mr. Barnes, have a great day!" You grab a hold of her leash and the bell above the door dings once again.

"Have a good day yourself Y/N. Take care, Starr!" He yells out just before the door shuts behind you.

You hum in delight, admiring the perfect fit of Starr's harness, and you noticed something fluffy hanging out of her mouth. You stop in your tracks and gasp. The squeaky toy still had a price tag on it.

"Oh no Starr you took another toy!" You try to pry it from her mouth but to no avail. Instead, you have no choice but to walk back into the pet shop with Starr and her unpaid toy.

Amusingly enough, this wasn't the first time she's taken a toy from the shop. Every time you visit with Starr, there's a new toy in her crate that you never remember buying.

The bell above the door dinged for the third time today and Mr. Barnes appeared from the back with his coffee in his hand.

"Mr. Barnes, I am so sorry. She took another one." You sheepishly said, digging into your bag looking for your purse to pay him, an amused grin plastered on his face as he saw the innocence in Starr's eyes.

"It's fine. She can have it, a gift from me for her birthday." Your eyes shot up in surprise, he remembered she was 6 months old?

"Oh.. I... thank you so much, Mr. Barnes."

He waved his hand like it was nothing, it just happened that Starr picked an expensive toy, she was very clever.

"Please call me Bucky. And happy birthday Starr!"

Permanent Taglist: @morsmordrethings @stuckonjbbarnes @sebbbystaaan @valkyriesryde @veganfangirl5 @lovvliies @livylou3333 @honeyvbarnes @buckysdumbmetalarm @infj-slytherclaw @marvelsangels @zeilenkrieg @photography-to-all @tuesdays-are-for-bobby @hailqueenconquer @margoshanotherwriter @iheartsebastianstan

And tagging some awesome people: @perpetually-tuned-out @babblingbonky @mypassionsarenysins @capandbuckylvr @chloerinebarnes

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azuradreaming · 4 years

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A Silent Voice Analysis: Shoya and X

The fourth part of A Silent Voice review is here! It took longer than I thought. I think I’m going slow down the posting to once a week before I burn myself out.

My most favorite symbolism throughout the movie is Shoya and the Xs he sees on people’s faces.

We have talked about how Shoya was a bully-turned-bullied, but we have yet to talk about the process of it and how it affected Shoya’s entire life growing up.

Shoya seeing only Xs on everyone’s face with a few exceptions is a representation of many things:

His distrust in others from betrayment

His guilt and shame of his past

His belief in needing to be punished and that he is undeserving

Betrayal of Friends and Peers

We all know Shoya was a bully, but he wasn’t the only one. He, his friends (Kazuki and Keisuke), and Noaka actively took part in bullying in Shoko, while the rest of the class were indirectly involved for they neither directly took part nor tried to stop it.

However, when things went too far and Shoko got injured from the hearing aids being ripped away by Shoya, the bullying was being addressed by the principal and the teacher officially.

At first, when asked who did this, no one answered and we obviously see that Shoya was about to admit to it.

But before he could admit it himself, the teacher called him out on it.

This led to Naoka, Kazuki, and others to follow along, shoving all the blame to Shoya (since he was the one who started it and did the physical works) and claiming to be innocent.

No one in the class stepped up for Shoya either. They also pushed the blame entirely onto him alone. And from then on, they, especially Kazuki and Keisuke, turned on Shoya and started to bully him by giving him the same exact treatment he gave Shoko.

Once friends, now betrayed by those very friends.

That was the mark of betrayment of friends and classmates.

Betrayal of Adults

Now if we think about this deeper, the teacher called him out for being the bully in front of the entire class disregarding the fact that Shoya wasn’t the only one, which led to betrayment.

When Shoya became the bullied, the movie implied that the bullying didn’t stop, which means the teacher and the faculty either didn’t notice it or turned a blind eye to it OR disregarded it due to the prejudice that Shoya was a bully.

I don’t know if the teacher was aware that Shoya wasn’t the only participant in bullying Shoko or not, but it makes sense if he thought Shoya was the only one for Shoya was the only one who was seen to physically and vocally bully Shoko, while everyone was making side comments or talk behind Shoko’s back.

But the way the teacher handled the situation felt very wrong and biased. It felt like he believed that he knew 100% what exactly was going on and concluded on one thing: Shoya was the one who bullied Shoko.

And because he is the teacher and the authority, his one statement. His one call out became the only truth. This one “truth” and the way it was said and handled ruined Shoya for the worse.

Based on the movie, the teacher did nothing to stop others from bullying Shoya.

He is a teacher.

He is supposed to teach students what is right and what is wrong.

He’s supposed to be fair. He is also supposed to protect.

Instead, one way or another way, he literally permitted this bullying to happen.

They were all children at the time. Still learning right from wrong.

Bullying is wrong. But how is it okay to allow a child bully turned into being the bullied?

How is it okay to practically allow an ENTIRE class to become the bully?

How is it okay to allow them to think bullying the bully is right?

Regardless, the bullying of Shoya was not stopped.

And this marks the betrayment of elders, aka teachers, aka adults.

Guilt. Regret. Self-Hate.

Now that Shoya has become the one being bullied, he has been directly put into Shoko’s shoes experiencing the same treatment he gave her. Through this experience, he realizes the extent of the misdeed he has done to her.

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. Almost.

Unlike Shoko, he wasn’t bullied for something he was born with.

He was bullied for an action he did.

He finally learned that bullying is wrong, but by the time he had learned his mistake, he was denied the chance to apologize, admit his wrong openly, or start over.

Adding to his new found guilt, he was constantly reminded of what he did to Shoko by being called a bully by everyone, even though he no longer was one. By being bullied himself.

As this continues to happen, the more guilt he feels.

The more guilt he feels, the more his regret grows and which leads to self-hate growing stronger and stronger until it becomes too unbearable.

Because he is a bully.

And thus, this self-hate grows into this thinking:

I realized I need to bear the sins, and need to be punished for it.

He deserved the hate and punishment. He is undeserving of anyone. He does not deserve friends. Everyone is judging him because he “is” a bully.

That is what Shoya believed.

Outcasted by People and Himself

When Shoya and the class graduated into middle school, the bullying stopped but became something else. Although he wasn’t being bullied the same way in elementary school, he was isolated due to prejudice. The “fact” that he “is” a bully followed him to middle school.

From the movie, we saw that Kazuki started spreading “Shoya is a bully” to their new classmates. This leads to the continued biases and prejudice.

However, unlike elementary school where he was actively being bullied, he was instead ignored and isolated by everyone.

He became an outcast by people.

However, being betrayed by both his peers and adults who were supposed to watch over him together led to the beginning of Shoya’s damaged trust in everyone around him.

And adding on to his belief that he got what he deserved which further remains a burden in his mind, Shoya believes everyone hates him.

These two factors led Shoya to outcast himself from everyone.

Covering His Ears and The X Symbolism

Betrayal of friends, peers, adults. Guilt, regret, and self-hate. Outcast by both everyone and himself.

These factors put together bore him down severely in every way possible.

Unlike Shoko, Shoya can actually hear the people talking behind his back, hence why we see the scene of him covering his ears.

Unable to bear any more of the backlash, the burden, the judgement, the guilt, and shame, he chose to shut off from the world unwillingly to listen to anymore.

And for the same reasons, he couldn’t bring himself to face anyone nor trust anyone.

He doesn’t want to see their faces, thus the Xs on everyone’s faces except those he trusts.

I want to point out that by shutting himself out from everyone, Shoya has allowed himself to disconnect from everyone else and their real impressions of him. As we can see in the classroom scene, where he fills in dialogues of students with hate words towards himself thinking that’s what they are saying which further proves his self-hate.

Shoya isn’t hated by everyone as he thought he was as we can see when a group gather near his desk to look at an airship, they tried to get his attention to see it too, but he was deep in his self-hate world to notice this.

The Removing and Applying of the Xs Symbolism

Removing the Xs on individual’s faces symbolizes Shoya’s new found trust and the feeling of safety in them.

We can see from the scene when Tomohiro befriends Shoya, the X on Tomohiro’s face fell off symbolizing the beginning of Shoya’s trust in him and acknowledgement that he is a friend. And that applies to everyone after Tomohiro.

What led me to believe that this is the meaning behind the Xs on everyone’s face and its removal was the Shoya’s scenes with Naoka.

When they first met again, Naoka didn’t have an X on her face, which means that Shoya is still okay around her; he still trusts her to some degree.

However, when she starts to try to bully Shoko like in the past again and Shoya stops her, we don’t see her face at all until the amusement park scene where we suddenly see that there is now an X on her face.

This means Shoya no longer trusts her.

As they continue to have fun at the amusement park and Shoya realizes he has friends he can trust now, we can see that he began to trust Naoka again as her X was removed at one point.

Buuut that didn’t last long when Naoka went behind Shoya’s back and arranged for him and Kazuki to meet again, which led to X being slapped back on her face for Shoya didn’t want to meet Kazuki and being suddenly forced into this awkward situation by her led to his distrust in her again.

Finally, Uncovering His Ears and Permanent Removal of all the Xs

youtube

This is my most favorite scene, so I couldn’t bear to just put a gif version without the audio that compliments with the visual so well, so I found the clip on YouTube.

After both Shoya and Shoko have come to terms with themselves and reconcile with everyone completely, we see the scene where Shoya finally removes his hands from his ears and finally hears all the sounds around him. And all the Xs on everyone’s faces fell to the ground.

To me, this was both my favorite and the most powerful scene in the movie. We know that Shoya has officially apologized to Shoko for the bullying and reconciled with everyone, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that he has forgiven himself and let go of the self-hate.

This scene is the proof that he is now willing to open himself up to others, trust them, and believe in them.

By doing so, he realizes that he isn’t being judged that much as he has once thought. In which this and his tears became the proof that he has forgiven himself, let go of his self-hate, and is now moving forward with his life.

And in a way, he is re-entering society

I think it is the most beautiful scene because when he was covering his ears at the beginning, there was a lot of chattering and eeriness.

There was so much fear coming from Shoya when he felt that everyone was staring at him like they’re judging him.

But when we came to this scene where he uncovers them, it was like a sudden enlightenment and realization that he now has people he can trust and that no one’s looking at him anymore with a judging look.

It was like coming out of a very long dark tunnel.

The song of the post for this post is the OST, lit(var) by Kensuke Ushio, from the movie itself where Shoya for the first time decides to fully uncover his ears to try again to trust everyone once more.

Disclaimer: I do not own A Silent Voice. All rights are reserved to Kyoto Animation. Images and Videos are used solely to help give visuals to my review and analysis of the movie.

#a silent voice #koe no katachi #review #reviews #anime #anime movie #part 4 #shoya ishida #story analysis #symbolism #anime analysis #x on faces

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watchtheblog · 4 years

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petty cache

thank you for coming to read my diary which masquerades as a blog but is actually just a vessel for disseminating my birthday wishlists. it’s like an event you show up to where the host tries to sell you a timeshare 25 minutes after some requisite, mindless song and dance.

welcome! if you’d like purchase a timeshare, scroll to the bottom. for the song and dance, look no further:

the other day i zoned out on zoom therapy and when my therapist asked where i “went” i had to lie because i had gone to the part of my brain that holds all the things i need to think about forever for no reason (i call it the petty cache — this is an umbrella term for the space that also houses my attitude cabinet) and dusted off a memory of a comment i saw on a stranger’s facebook three weeks ago that said “message me. i lost my password and i have good news to share”.

i don’t know either person, and that’s what i was thinking about. i spend $[redacted] a month on therapy and instead of focusing on one of my numerous unsolved mysteries, i was thinking about the nuances of this comment - like why they wouldn’t just share the news or message the person directly? or what losing their password had to do with anything? or why they would comment on facebook instead of texting or calling the person. did they not have their number? imagine not knowing someone well enough to have their phone number, but still wanting to share your good news with them!

all i want (for my birthday) is to know what the news is that this stranger has to share, and i’ll never know so i have to put that comment in my minutiae repository with all the other things that will plague me until i die from texting and driving, smoke inhalation as a result of purposely leaving a candle lit in my home overnight almost every night, consuming half a dozen hot dogs a week, or a now unnamed disease that will posthumously be attributed to my chronic inability to mind my own business.

i’m constantly concerning myself with things that are none of my concern - no matter how insignificant - because my brain is a commune of sentient pepperoni running instagram polls among themselves to discern if something is worth spending an inordinate amount of time thinking about. and guess what? it turns out absolutely everything that has ever offended, confused, bothered, intrigued, slightly inconvenienced, or merely happened to me is worth spending an inordinate amount of time thinking about.

because i devote so much energy to nonsense, i can often be found persecuting strangers for insulting me on the internet (and for other miscellaneous bad behavior). the information superhighway is my home so i have to protect myself (and my friends) here, and if that means spending 45 minutes to 48 hours trying to find every misstep you’ve made in your life until i have enough ammunition to spray a dozen simulated retaliatory bullets at your virtual head because you called me a “stupid bitch” on instagram, well… so be it!

i am relentless in my pursuit of wasting time, so if that doesn’t work, i will find the cold stone creamery you frequent, seek employment there, be hired on the spot, learn the craft, be promoted to manager, poison you on your birthday, gain access to your funeral, and tarnish your reputation by reading your shitty DM in front of the few family and friends whom i haven’t already made aware of the abhorrent way you conducted yourself online!

there are so many different ways strangers will try to hurt your feelings — an interesting genre of which come from men who (like me) have definitely never had sex before, and mistakenly think i care about the ways in which my body does not make them horny.

“no tits” one will say. and i’m like, how do you want me to respond to that? my boobs are indeed small, yes. did you come here to shoot facts back and forth all day? ok: you’re going to start balding way sooner than you’re prepared for, i bet your childhood dog is dead, your time on the internet should be supervised, your closet is full of vests, and you wait on line at nightclubs… good day?!

while i will obviously engage with anyone if they want to fight, i prefer when the unsolicited criticism is personalized, and not just thoughtless, lazily devised tripe.

a year and a half ago, a man who looked like he exhales smog DMed me to let me know - among other things in a paragraph long rant - he’d “lost brain cells” watching my story. knowing he had likely never had an adequate amount to begin with, it seemed like an emergency, so i started a group DM with his wife. because his message had come just three days after a “fuckkk [heart eye emoji]” response to a photo of my ass, i included a screenshot as evidence of his devolving mental state.

being - presumably - gainfully employed, neither of them responded.

luckily, the consolation prize for insulting me is that you gain residency in my brain and stay in my thoughts and prayers for all eternity, so i checked in on them a few days ago. they’d unfollowed and wiped their feeds clean of each other!!

because i’ve never “moved on” in my entire life, i fired up our long dormant group chat, and sent my condolences: “aw. sorry your trip to positano - where you were going to attempt to repair your ramshackle marriage - got cancelled because of covid and so you just got divorced instead :(” i wrote before being blocked by both of them.

then i headed right over to my therapist’s facebook and commented “message me. i lost my password and i have good news to share”

i spent an entire therapy session detailing this monomania before my therapist thoughtfully suggested i “pick [my] battles”.

to which i thoughtfully responded: yeah, babe. i pick every single one.

***

timeshare time! it’s the same list as this post, with a few additions (at top) (and edits based on availability).

places to donate food education fund pretty brown girl the okra project

some furniture stuff a side table a pointless, laughably tiny little thing this website is calling a “drink table” a lamp one of these benches i do not want this but it’s important to me that at least 2 other people know it exists

this plant that obviously does not need to cost $165 but idk how to shop economically

air pods

gifts from the previous post - all still v much in play!

a pair of shoes (size 8 or 38) one pair, another pair, yet another, these are on sale, these are not, and a final pair

a specific clutch with three color choices they allege this color is called sand but it looks white to me, pink, green for those who do not know what malachite means (it couldn’t be me. i learned it 3 hours ago when i began compiling this cursed list)

something everyone with money to waste needs this

dresses i’ll never be able to wear until there’s a vaccine because unlike someone tacky who knows me, i won’t be having a birthday party in the middle of a global pandemic (hi, you fool) white polka dot, not white polka dot, also not polka dot, a red dress, a skirt (aka half a dress), a black dress

this sweatsuit xs in this, small in this

is sephora cancelled? i want this hair dryer which i’m sure you can buy elsewhere if sephora is cancelled, which it v well may be

this item which you may think is cheap but actually it’s not soooo a hairpin

earrings one pair, another pair, and another

this dress which i’ll never wear anywhere even when there is a vaccine because… what?! but maybe. you never know. size 34. lol when i get this far into the list i’m always blown away by how insane it is that i do this every year to no audience. so i’m just laughing alone at that. :) i am v funny to myself. another dress i’ll never wear ;)

the nicest weighted blanket you know of i’m depressed!!!!! if you can’t tell!!!!!!!

every year i have asked for a weekend bag and every year i have not received one, so alas, we try again this is not a weekend bag actually but it will do. this is!

a peloton but just venmo me the cash (@merce212) because i have a hookup

an assortment of ridiculous things a $500 body scarf a $580 beach towel with an octopus on it for no reason besides “art” i cannot tell analog time but it’s never too late to start!! how mad would you be if someone bought you a roulette table for your wrist? be honest. (THIS WATCH IS FOUR YEARS RENT!!!!!!) they won’t say how much this costs :( i’m losing my mind and must be gifted a chanel watch or else i will perish. to put my salami on when i am eating salami in my bed “24k gold crocodile [?!!) teddy bear”. the website says there’s only one left, which begs the question “why did someone buy one of these rather than buying me a chanel watch?!!” *real ‘billionaires shouldn’t exist [unless they’re buying me a watch]’ energy* to put my new watch in this is ugly but it’s on sale :) idk wtf “secret box pendant” means but i wish this necklace was also a USB with every season and spinoff of 90 day fiancé on it hi yes i’m stupid but i draw the line at $1500 connect four…

#things i want #things I want for my birthday #lists of things #lists of things i want #my birthday #birthday lists #9/26; never forget #invidious consumption

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queenofcrystaltokyo · 3 years

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My Spotify got DELETED this year so no Spotify Wrapped. Instead I’m just going to list all of the albums I bought on iTunes and go over my thoughts on them. No ratings; ratings are lame.

Cape God - Allie X

It’s no surprise I’ve been following Allie since Collxtion I. This year’s album from her is a natural evolution and a wonderful maturation of her music up to this point. Her previous work was already developed but I find this album just strikes to the center of your person. I feel like telling you there’s a collab with Mitski on here puts that into good perspective.

Personal Standout: Sarah Come Home

Future Nostalgia - Dua Lipa

I haven’t listened to this one much since the week I bought it. It’s a good pop album though with a lot of disco influence which was fun and was definitely a trend in pop music this year. That and metal.

Personal Standout: Don’t Start Now or Physical

SAWAYAMA - Rina Sawayama

I’ve been a fan of hers since we were orange hair sisters in 2017. But oh boy. This album. In many ways album of the year (although I can name three other albums on this list that also vie for that spot). Her use of rock music and the variety of topics (compare Comme Des Garçons and XS) shows the depth of her talent. Still upset I didn’t get to see her and Allie in April.

Personal Standout: Who’s Gonna Save U Now?

Fetch The Bolt Cutters - Fiona Apple

When I first head The Idler Wheel when I was 15, I think my world changed a little. It’s like when you hear The Hounds of Love for the first time. So it was no surprise her next album would be phenomenal. But it should be illegal for an album to be this perfect. Cutting to the core of every possible emotion in a way that only Fiona could do. Flawless is selling it short.

Personal Standout: Drumset

I Disagree - Poppy

I followed Poppy for a bit when she was that one girl who made weird experimental Youtube videos and had one EP. I remember getting 3:36 on her Bandcamp. But I sort of fell off. But THEN I was made aware of this album, gave it a listen, and bought it immediately. I love good, rich rock music and deeply miss it in the pop scene I’ve stationed myself in. This scratches that itch in abundance.

Personal Standout: I Disagree

Petals For Armor - Hayley Williams

Paramore is maybe the most important rock band of the last 20 years. After Laughter is probably my actual favorite album of all time even though I still say Miley Cyrus And Her Dead Petz. But Hayley’s solo work has proven itself to be a separate entity. It’s very deep and personal and is refined in a way that could only come from years of being deeply ingrained in music and understanding it thoroughly.

Personal Standout: Cinnamon

Flamboyant (Deluxe) - Dorian Electra

I was initially hesitant to get into Dorian Electra. I think I thought it was trying too hard. But I warmed up a little and found it speaking to my queer masculine side, which I often ignored in favor of the liberation of femininity.

Personal Standout: Adam & Steve

how i’m feeling now - Charli XCX

How Charli managed to make a no-skip in two months during quarantine is completely beyond me.

Personal Standout: anthems

spice²world - Spice Girls

Now I’m sure you saw this and thought “Wait, what’s that? I’ve never heard of that album.” Well this is actually related to the Spotify deletion. It’s literally just Spice and Spiceworld stuck together. I had it as a playlist on my Spotify and decided to recreate it in my iTunes.

Personal Standout: It’s the Spice Girls. Love Thing is my favorite.

Smile - Katy Perry

I’ve loved Katy Perry since fucking meanplastic posted a soundcloud post of International Smile. From there I delved into her back catalog and learned that One of the Boys is and will always be her best album, which is somewhat unfortunate because, presumably after Lady Gaga blew up, she shifted to pop music and we’ll never get 2008 pop rock goddess Katy back again. But don’t let that deter you. Her music has been evolving since Teenage Dream, which was written by God according to people on here who jump through hoops to hate her. And though Witness was like Artpop in that it sort of broke the facade of infallibility, Smile took what worked from Witness and refined it into a more introspective album that’s trying less hard to be commercial. I hate to admit that that post comparing Katy to Cyndi Lauper as a relic of her decade was right, but I’m okay with that because I feel like Katy is gearing up to be, in the words of Britney Spears, an underground star.

Personal Standout: Tucked

Chromatica - Lady Gaga

I’ve been a little monster since the very beginning. I remember preordering Born This Way at Hot Topic when I was 14. Since then I’ve always held that it’s her best album (though Joanne didn’t make that hard to argue). But Lady Gaga did the impossible. Yes, Chromatica is now Lady Gaga’s best album. The club pop with elements of disco is sheer perfection.

Personal Standout: Replay

Pang - Caroline Polachek

I know I really hyped this album up when it came out last year, but I only got around to actually buying it this year after my Spotify got deleted. But yeah, of course this album is great.

Personal Standout: Pang

Spirit Phone - Lemon Demon

A striking departure from the previous listings. Calling it meme music would not be incorrect. But it’s fun and it’s good. I listened to it all day Halloween but I’m still listening to it right now.

Personal Standout: I Earn My Life

Dreamland - Black Box

Do y’all like house music? If you do, then this album needs no introduction. It is THE house album. Stan Martha Wash.

Personal Standout: I Don’t Know Anybody Else. But you should definitely listen to Ride on Time first.

BONUS:

apathy + Vacuum Noises - Astrophysics

I didn’t buy these albums on iTunes. I got them off of Astrophysics’ Bandcamp. So that’s why they’re bonuses. But I love these albums so much. I only started following Astrophysics this year. You might know them for doing synthwave remixes of anime songs like Connect from PMMM or Komm Süsser Todd from NGE. But their music has evolved into more glitchcore/shoegaze (with a Soviet aesthetic that I love). It’s some of the best music I’ve heard in that field.

Personal Standout: The remix of Sometimes by My Bloody Valentine from Vacuum Noises. Listen to it here!

ベノマ - かいりきベア (Venomer - Kairiki Bear)

This one I also did not buy on iTunes. But I didn’t get it on Bandcamp either. I got it on mikudb, which is my go-to website for Vocaloid music. Venomer is a remix collab album by Kairiki Bear where he invited several other Vocaloid producers to remix his most popular songs. It’s a real who’s-who of the hottest Vocaloid producers right now.

Personal Standout: The Niru Kajitsu remix of Ángel (I have an audio post of it here!)

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jupitermelichios · 4 years

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So I decided to rewatch Suicide Squad and I have some thoughts...

This isn’t really a review so much as it’s just a series of thoughts and impressions. I will say that while it’s still one of the worst made films I’ve ever seen, it’s never boring, which is by far the biggest sin a film can commit. It’s bullshit but it’s consistently interesting bullshit which makes it better than something like Fant4stic, which is as bad and incoherant but also just incredibly dull. I don’t think this could ever have been a good film, there was too much massively wrong with it before shooting even started to have been salvagable, but I do think it could have been a lot more coherant if it hadn’t been for the reshoots, re-edits, re-edits of re-edits and all the the other stuff that happened to it post production. Unlike something like BvS, I get why some people liked this one.

On that note, while I am going to end on a few possitives this basically a roast so if you don’t want to read about a film getting picked apart, this probably won’t be your jam. But if like me you find critiques of bad movies cathartic, read on. I’m not the first person to do this, but I’ve spotted some stuff I haven’t seen anyone else talk about so hopefully there’ll be something new for you.

All the dialogue is just slightly off in a way that’s hard to pin down, in the way that a lot of comprehensible stuff written by computers and neural networks is just slightly off. It’s got that phishing email or pornbot quality to it. Literally the fourth or fifth line in the film is Griggs saying about the prison rations, “...Everything a growing young man needs like you”, which isn’t nonsense, but is clearly wrong, and a lot of the lines have that quality to them.

In a similar vein, Deadshot’s daughter is written like she’s five or six, but the actress looks about twelve. I actually went and checked how old she was when this released, because I know white people are often wildly bad at judging the ages of black kids and I’m bad at judging ages in general, but no, she was 12 or 13 when this was shot, so why’s she written like a toddler? She doesn’t give a good performance (which is not the actresses fault, Will Smith barely gives a good performance in this and he can do this shit in his sleep, there’s no way a kid could have risen above the terrible script and direction) which makes it even worse, because you’ve got this pre-teen delivering dialogue written for a kindergardener in a way that feel like it’s maybe the first time she’s ever seen the script, and it makes what is otherwise one of the most competant scenes in the movie feel just as off as everything else.

The Joker. A lot of people have written a lot about Leto’s Joker but I want to add two things to the discussion I haven’t seen talked about much before. Firstly, before the electro-shock torture and acid bath, he and Harley have no romance. Like, explicitly, there is no romance, or even cammeraderie there. He’s her patient. She’s his jailer. He didn’t seduce her, he just tortured her until she gave in. That’s literally shown in the film. Even after the torture when she’s now on side he still really doesn’t like her, and not in a Paul Dini BTAS he doesn’t like her but he also wants her around kind of way. He doesn’t want her in his life. He orders her to leave him alone and she fucking stalks him. That’s not even subtext, she is specifically his stalker, because apparently the solution to the relationship being abusive was to retconn Harley into also being a creep as though that somehow solves something.

Secondly, Joker isn’t smart. Not only is he no longer emotionally intelligent (and comics Joker is many terrible things but he’s probably the most emotionally intelligent character in DC, that’s a lot of what makes him so dangerous because it’s how he manipulates people) he’s not intelligent full stop. His great plan for breaking out of Arkham? Some of his goons from the outside literally just shoot their way in to get to him. Even leaving aside the fact that Arkham apparently isn’t set up to deal with that kind of violence in this world despite Batman having been opperating for a decade, that’s not a clever plan, and it’s not Joker’s plan. 'Hope some of my dudes are loyal enough to come get me’ isn’t any kind of escape plan, and nothing we see after that point suggests that this was a moment of weakness. Joker just straight up isn’t very bright in this, which is weird because that’s one of the few genuinely consistent character traits he has. He’s no Riddler, sure, but he’s really smart and that makes him hard to contain.

Ayer made Harley functionally a sex worker in this, and it doesn’t actually matter that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with sex work or that sex work is real work, because David Ayer definitely thinks there is, and also really really hates women. David Ayer hates women so goddamn much. The only thing Slipknot does in the entire film apart from die is hit a woman just for being a woman.

When Waller arrives at Belle Reve, Croc is doing push ups. And that’s fine, it’s a classic movie shorthand for ‘bored prisoner is also fit and strong’, but the actor isn’t actually doing pushups. He’s got one knee tucked under his body to support his weight, and is clearly actually just sort of bobbing his head. What I suspect happened is that the prosthetics on his arms and chest were too heavy to allow that kind of movement, which would tie up with the stiff way he holds his arms throughout the film, but he’s not even bothering to pretend very hard and it adds to this pervading sense of off-kilter wrongness the film has.

Rick Flagg is supposed to be ‘the best special forces opperative this country has’, but he’s... really bad? He’s no use in any of the fights, he’s incapable of working with a team and has zero interpersonal skills, and when he’s assigned to be a bodyguard, he immediately starts fucking his client which is like, bodyguarding rule 1. He’s really bad at his job. (Which would be fine if the explanation was that he’s a fucking psychopath who’s 100% willing to just murder a civilian in the line of duty, but he’s meant to be Hannibal Smith more than Dirty Harry, and also if he is here because he’s a psychopath, why did Amanda Waller assume June Moon would be into that?!) He even has to be blackmailed into joining the opperation, so he’s incompetent, unprofessional, causes unecessary conflict, and isn’t even loyal to the project, so why him and not, I don’t know, literally any other character?

On the subject of June Moon, she goes (alone) on an archeological dig in a rainforest somewhere, finds a cave full of human remains and ancient artefacts, and literally her first action is to deliberately smash one of the artefacts, presumably just to see what would happen? IDK! We never get any explanation for that, but it’s definitely meant to be deliberate and not accidental when she smashes it! Why are archeologists in movies all so terrible?!

People have joked a lot about the fact that the movie changes the purpose of the squad from ‘plausibly deniable black ops, especially on American soil’, to ‘punching Superman’ but kept Captain Boomerang on the team, but there is actually an explanation given. A really really stupid explanation. Amanda Waller says that he’s there because ‘he faced down a metahuman and survived’, referring to him surviving being arrested. By the Flash. Who is famously non violent, and in fact in the next film in the series specifically says he’s never fought someone. So Boomer is on the team because he didn’t die when Flash picked him up and carried him to a police station, and Amanda Waller thinks that’s some kind of achievement. Like that isn’t the case for literally everyone the Flash has ever caught. And Flash is a street level hero, so that’s a whole lot of muggers and purse snatchers who are apparently capable of fist fighting Superman by Waller’s logic.

(On the same note as the Joker, Waller is also now incredibly stupid, but she’s mostly stupid for plot related reasons, so it sort of gets a pass? It gets more of a pass than the Joker at least, because making him comics-smart wouldn’t have necessatitated changing anything else about the film)

Re: Waller’s stupidity, her whole plan for recruiting El Diablo to the squad is... show him a video of him setting fire to some dudes. That’s it. She doesn’t even speak to him, she literally just holds up the video to the little window in his tank and seems surprised when that by itself isn’t enough.

And then when Flagg is like ‘hey let me try persuading him with actual arguments instead of just a weird video’, Diablo’s response is “You think you’re the first person to ask? I won’t do it. I’m a man not a weapon”, which gives us the amazing insight that in Ayer’s version of the DCU, there are apparently just... other Taskforce Xs running around. Other government agencies recruiting metahuman soldiers. So what exactly was the point of the half an hour or so of footage of her persuading the brass to go along with it? Because apparently they’re fine with this if every agency is doing it!

Tone? What even is tone. Griggs both has an antagonist but banter-y relationship with and brings cookies to the prisoners, but also he tortures them and is implied to be sexually abusing Harley, and like... you can’t have it both ways, Ayer. This is a one or the other situation. They can’t have a fun and jokey relationship with a man who is explicitly torturing and abusing them. Tone. You need to pick a fucking tone!

The decision to add a subplot about Deadshot being involved in a custody battle with his ex-wife was a fascinatingly terrible choice, and honestly tells you a lot about Ayer’s relationship to MRA talking points. Like, we know nothing about Deadshot’s wife except that she raised a cute well adjusted kid, so probably a pretty good parent, and that she doesn’t want her daughter to be spending time with a MASS MURDERER! So definitely a good parent! The comics just kind of handwave away Zoe’s mom most of the time, which was the right choice, because Ayer wants us to be on Deadshot’s side here, but it’s literally a choice between "a serial killer but you take credit cards” and a normal loving parent and somehow he thinks serial killer is the right answer? WTF happened in Ayer’s life that he thinks this is a choice where we side with Deadshot?! And it’s not even visitation rights or anything, Deadshot wants full custody. And the film thinks he’s in the right!

Not once, at any job I have ever had, one of which was a tourist attraction that required all visitors to wear a pass, have I ever seen someone wear a visitors pass on their sleeve. Not once. And it’s honestly such a good summary of the pervading wrongness of this film. This doesn’t feel like it was made by people. It feels like it was made by middlingly intelligent algorithms trying to pass as human.

Someone please tell me what the fuck any of this set is supposed to mean. The pose feels deliberate, but it’s not invoking anything I can see except the hanged man from the Ryder-Waite tarot deck, the halo of knives almost looks like it’s pseudo-religious imagery except that it’s not a full halo, the circle is incomplete on one side because of a broken piano, does the piano mean something? What about the babygrows, do they mean something? Does the Joker... want kids? Kill kids? Think Harley’s pregant? What the hell is any of this supposed to mean, and if, as I suspect, it was never supposed to mean anything why the fuck did they go to the trouble of making it?! What exactly does the hours this took to put together add to the movie?

David Ayer has a really weird relationship with both gang culture and latino gang culture specifically. He always feels the need to shoehorn them in somehow, and it’s this weird love-hate relationship where he apparently thinks latino gangs are so cool they have to be in everything, but is also so fucking racist he’s incapable of having a latino character who isn’t in a gang. Also in order to shoehorn them in here, he basically removed all of Joker’s henchmen (except for one scene which serves no narrative purpose) and replaced when with generic racist-stereotype LA gangs.

The fact that Griggs just hands Harley the phone in front of all the other guards and soliders was A Choice. Made even more so by the fact that Griggs never actually pay off. He gives Harley the phone, she tells him he’s “so screwed now”, and then... nothing. He’s just gone for the rest of the movie. He’s not even in the epilogue back in prison scenes.

I fucking love that the first thing Waller does is tell the world’s best assassin her real name. That is just... *chefs kiss* Everyone in this film is so fucking stupid.

I knew it was coming. I knew it was coming and I remembered the line perfectly, and I still had to stop the film because I was laughing too hard for “Ah would advise naht gettin’ killed by her, her sword traps the souls of its victims”. It’s the ‘that wizard came from the moon’ of film dialogue, and no one could have made it work, but the southern accent is really what makes that line delivery. I don’t know why, there’s just something about it in that drawl that it just endlessly hilarious.

It really is impressive how every character in this manages to be an offensive stereotype, sometimes multiple offensive stereotypes at once.

I love how Flagg’s right-hand woman is a samurai with a magical possessed sword that traps the souls of the damned who also isn’t military and refuses to speak English most of the time, but the squad are too weird for him. “You won’t believe it, this guy Boomerage, he’s got these bent stick things, and when he throws them they come back! I am freaking out, I can’t deal with this. Oh hi Katana, trap any damned souls lately?”

Harley is explicitly malicious in this in a way no other version of Harley has ever been, which is a Freudian nightmare when you combine it with her also being more sexualised than ever, and more infantalised than any version outside the Arkham games. Someone get Ayer a goddamn therapist. (Also in the vein of everyone being dumb in this, Harley is now an absolutely terrible psychiatrist and all her diagnoses are explicitly wrong, so that’s fun.)

The fucking pink unicorn-bundle of money switcheroo. There’s nothing to say on it that hasn’t already been said but holy shit. How do you fuck something up that bad? How? It’s like looking into Chekov’s nightmares and finding a pink stuffed unicorn staring back.

I love the way the soliders just come and go in this. Are they dead, are they alive, have they abandonned the cause? Why the fuck knows? Certainly not the editors!

I love how we’re supposed to be really sad about El Diablo being dead, but not care that Croc is seemingly directly underneath the explosion and definitely about to die, that’s fun.

I need to know if it was Ayer or Cara Delavigne’s choice to make Enchantress be just.. doing a little dance. Duing all the ‘tense’ moments. Because there are probably things which undercut tension more than the bad guy having a bit of boogy, but not many.

Enchantress gets so many costume changes, and I want to believe that they’re all from different versions of the film but I honestly think it was deliberate and I need someone on in the design department for this movie to tell me why because it add nothing.

I think the best thing about the stupidly on the nose liscenced soundtrack is that it just disappears once they arrive in Midway city. After spirit in the sky it’s original music all the way until the final scene. The great soundtrack DC stans insist this film has is literally only in the first 50 minutes and the last 2 of a 2hr+ movie.

The glorification of abuse in this is... seriously fucking something else. Twilight doesn’t have a patch on this. 50 Shades of Grey doesn’t have a patch on this. This shit is disgusting, and the fact that they pushed so hard to get it a child friendly rating is just morally bankrupt.

Possitive note to end on:

The dialogue is way too on the nose and exposition dump-y but the scene in the bar works pretty well. It fulfils its role in the story, and gives us a decent dose of team bonding.

Deadshot and Harley have great chemistry, and Boomer is perfectly cast, in a way that makes me really hopeful for James Gunn’s take on the team. A writer who knows how to write friendships could do a lot with the three of them, and they’ve been the core squad since 2011 so they’re the ones who matter. It probably helps that whatever Will Smith’s faults as an actor, you could cast him opposite a housebrick and they’d somehow have great chemistry.

#suicide squad #roasting suicide squad #bad movies #you could build whole academic careers just talking about all the things that went wrong in the production of this film #and some of it was studio interferance for sure #but a lot of it was ayer being incompetant #and trailerpark being incompetant #and kate hawley somehow being incompetant despite being fine on other movies #likewise john gilroy the creditted editor #lindsay graham and Mary Vernieu doing the worst jobs of their respective careers #i'm glad this movie didn't tank the careers of the creatives #and so upset it didn't tank the career of david ayer #how can you write this and fucking Bright and still have a job as a writer #how

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blackfemmecharacterdependency · 3 years

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13. A Shot in the Dark Part 1

Part One of the "Prologue" chapter.

This could have all been prevented. Had they just not brought it here. This could have gone smoothly. This could have succeeded, but instead of being on one accord and being on the same page, they had all taken various pages out of Simon Laurent’s book.

“Do you think she’s dead?” Jalicia asked. “I heard at least 6 shots… you think he put them all into her?”

“Shut up, 227,” Sunny said.

“Oh, I’m 227 right now? We’re still on Date Night? Grace just got shot…” Sunny grabbed Jalicia by the collar and the younger one laughed a little bit. “You still tryin’ to be Grace when Grace isn’t here? Because, that’ll be a long ride, considering that she’s dead now.”

“I said shut up. Xan. Pull over.”

“That’s not protocol,” he said.

“No, it isn’t. But, we were outside, and it wasn’t his home, so one of two things have happened, either he left her there to die, or someone has called for help. Either way, this is a different circumstance.”

“She wouldn’t want us to risk the operation for her.”

“NOW, you care about that? You didn’t care about that when you tried to make Simon an X, BEHIND her back!”

“That was the ONLY thing I cared about!” He hissed at Sunny. “And did I work alone? Was it ME that made her stop trusting her fucking team?”

Now, she grabbed his collar and he swerved the van. “Pull the motherfucking van over!” She growled. He obeyed. They switched seats and she circled back to where Grace had been shot. As suspected, there were police lights, an ambulance, the firetruck. The usual. She tried to pass by slowly and try to see. She couldn’t see Grace, but she did see a covering over an obviously dead body. Xander and Jalicia must have seen it when she did, because he yelped and Jalicia burst into tears. The workers were waving the van along, so she sped up only slightly, to not draw too much attention. Then, she saw him, standing with the police, talking… Simon.

Her breath hitched and she blinked away tears as she continued driving. Neither Xander nor Jalicia mentioned him, so she presumed that they hadn’t seen him. But she had. Now, it was time to regroup.

“Yoga and Meditation for Seasonal Depression with Sunny!” the community center board read when Simon stepped into the building with his mat and bag. She had been there for a while. He knew that, because he had too, only from the outside. She had a head full of faux locs that he hadn’t seen her sporting prior to whenever she made him think that she was Grace a few nights before. She saw him the moment he walked into the gym, but her expression was unreadable. He enjoyed that, to a certain degree. He did like that he didn’t have to feel as tense around her as Jalicia or Xander, but he had a feeling that he couldn’t be as relaxed around her as he was around Alexandria, and her little warning that night made him even more weary about the casual smile that she had on now. She was maybe like him… and he knew that he was nothing to toy around with, and would pay her the same reverence, until he understood her better.

“Hi. I’ve never seen you in the community center before,” She said. She extended her hand, “Sunny.”

“Yeah, the sign says so,” he said, taking her hand and shaking it. They both held tight and shook firm, staring each other down, either trying to outshake or outsmile the other. And in a moment, they made the simultaneous decision to end both. “Is it okay that I’m not a regular? The post and fliers didn’t mention that it was a closed class.”

“It’s open. But, if it gets full and I see regulars…”

“I know my place,” he said. They both smiled again.

“Well then, find yourself a spot on the floor. Looks like you’ve come prepared. Have you done this before?”

“No. But, I once tried capoeira at a country club.” She frowned. “I’m going to presume that look is because it’s an art form created by enslaved Africans. Trust me, I’ve gotten that speech already.”

She rolled her eyes and pointed towards the door. “I’ve got other guests to greet. See you later, Monison?”

“What? Simon.”

“Right. If I forget again, I can always go with Surveillance Soccer Mom.”

“I’d prefer if you didn’t?”

“Your preference is… noted.” She cheerily went to greet the people coming in, who she seemed to know, because she hugged them and talked animatedly with them. It was different than how she’d handled him and reminded him again of Grace, and the way that she had a certain obligatory politeness that seemed to be taught and structured and perfected… Sunny had that too, only she was using what he’d called Grace’s “customer service manners” with him, and the more natural pleasantries with the other people there. He wondered if she had made that choice on purpose, or if it was just a side effect of her not trusting him? At any rate, he noted that she didn’t immediately reach for her phone to alert Xander, the way that Jalicia had whenever she’d seen him enter her space. In fact, she hadn’t done so, even by the end of the class.

She wished several of them well, gave some info on upcoming things, and other warm and gentle dealings, until it was only she and Simon left in the room. Still, he noted, she didn’t get onto her phone. In fact, she seemed to be waiting for him after she packed up all of her things. He knew that she didn’t have to lock up, so he wondered why. She offered no insight. Just stared at him, with all of her things packed away and her bags on her shoulders. Still, no phone.

Simon collected his things and went up to her, hoping that he could gain something from whatever their exchange was about to be. “I… you know who I am, right?” he asked. She threw her head back and cackled to the skies, echoing off of the gym walls until they were out in the cold of the air and her lungs felt the repercussions. “I now regret asking that.”

“I know who you are. That lackluster writer that has risen to popularity only because you’re in a package that can be rewarded for mediocrity. Timonthy Something.”

“Did you say Timonthy? TiMONthy?”

“I’d call you “Tim,” for short, but that’s one of my favorite characters from The Magnus Archives, and I don’t wanna blend that world with the one you’re a part of. Maybe I’ll say “Mon.”

He chuckled and put on ear muffs. “You seem really chill about me being here, is all. I thought that maybe you didn’t realize. The others are a little bit different about me.”

“Meh. Maybe if I was there, I’d feel differently. It isn’t like I’m not empathetic. I really am, and if the others feel threatened or anxious, I would never discount that for them, but I also have no firsthand experience with you that has given me any reason to personally hate or fear you and I don’t like to say it out loud too much, as it makes space for my loved ones to get really offended and upset, but the people who were there for whatever it is you supposedly did - I’m hesitant to take what they say at face value, because they can be very close minded. Grace isn’t trippin,’ so maybe they are.”

“Then, why did you threaten me?”

“If you read it as a threat, I can’t change that, but it does help to mold my opinion of you and what you’ve been doing to my good sis…”

He frowned and looked at the ground. “Well… when you put it that way, I guess it wasn’t threatening. I’m not a harm to her. I never have been. I don’t think that I could hurt her if I tried. She grew up on the streets. I was in one fist fight when I was 13, and it was mostly me just getting the shit kicked out of me and trying to shield myself.”

She laughed again, “I’ve been told you have that effect on people. What’d you do to get your ass kicked?”

“I told people that I had a crush on a boy.” She immediately stopped laughing and felt bad. He shrugged his shoulders, “It got me sympathy points and my first boyfriend, so I can’t be too mad.”

“You can, if you choose to, but if you choose not to, I support that. It’s up to you.”

He looked at her and she seemed genuine. She seemed nice, despite him knowing that she was definitely on a murder team. “Okay, so if you’re not threatened or whatever the others are, why’d you come after me?”

“I didn’t come after you. If I had come after you, you’d be in the Field of Nulls. I gave you a chance to be free from that kind of destiny. It is never pretty. Never painless. Never without every bit of suffering that can be provided, and the death is slow and potentially terrifying. It’s death sentences that only the worst kind of scum gets to endure… You seem like high level scum. Just because you have poor impulse control, bad judgment in romance and a passionate death wish doesn’t mean you deserve what we do to people. And Grace shouldn’t have to worry about you, either.”

“The Field of Nulls,” Simon repeated.

“I think you know what that is.” She wasn’t smiling. In fact, she was staring at him with a threatening expression. “Personally, I’d have called it the Wormfood Wonderland. So far, only the Apex and the nulls know what it is. And you know what we do with the nulls.”

“Is that another name for your Xs?” This man’s curiosity blew her mind. She couldn’t tell whether he really was so curious about learning more secrets or if it was a defense mechanism to avoid fear of danger.

“Yes,” She said.

He started to ask something else, but she waved a finger and said, “Aht aht aht. Have a good day, Salmonella.”

“I refuse to answer to that one!” He said and huffed a little bit as she got into her car, which looked like a ladybug… like it was one of those red bugs, and she’d added spots, headlight eyelashes, a sunflower on the head, and various bumper stickers of witchy stuff and pro vagina sentiments… He furrowed his eyebrows at the I Heart My Vagina one and really wondered who the hell this woman was. Maybe he didn’t understand her at all… and if he couldn’t understand her, that would certainly make it harder for him to win her over or overthrow her. Either way… when her car started, some loud female rap music began, she tossed something out, and she took a few moments getting settled before she actually drove away. Simon watched her pull away and then looked down at her litter… It wasn’t litter. That was why she left it. He picked it up. It was a flier from his mom’s bistro and in curly q handwriting a message: “I SAID stop,” with a smiley face sticker.

He glared at the direction the car had gone in. She wouldn’t. They couldn’t. What would she do to his mom? Nothing. He didn’t believe her. His mom was an upstanding citizen in two countries, a local feminist icon, in a way - single mother and business owner who frequently allowed gatherings for rallies and stuff in her place of business, and a good, wholesome person. They didn’t even hurt that killer’s wife. There was no way that they would hurt his mother… But… He couldn’t risk it. He backed down. He wasn’t going to press Sunny. She was too mysterious… He… was afraid of her. Unlike the others, even Xander, whose weaknesses he saw, understood and could exploit in the face of danger.. He just couldn’t figure that out with Sunny.

From everything he took note of, she had… he didn’t know how to word it… nothing of value to her. Of course, she seemed like she loved her family and her friends, and the kids, but… she just read like an empty vessel, mimicking a loving daughter, friend, mentor. Even when she was around the yoga students that she seemed to genuinely like, he just felt like her energy wasn’t decipherable enough to throw caution to the wind. THIS. Was definitely a threat.

He was frustrated after that. He went to the gun range. He spent a few days on a “detox” of sorts. He stayed away from Grace’s friends. He went to practice shooting, visited his mother, got chewed out by his literary agent, and went back to the bookstore coffee shop to try to focus on his book again. All he had at this point was a title: Beauty, Like the Knight… and the tentative synopsis that he bullshitted to Chloe, “She’s an avenging angel who slays child predators and stuff.”

“HOW is that urban?” She had demanded.

“They’re in a fucking city, Chloe,” he’d said, with a low coldness in his voice that she wasn’t used to and he certainly had never used that type of language with her before. The silence between them tipped him off that she was shocked and potentially upset, so he chuckled awkwardly and said, “I haven’t had coffee today, but I’m in the coffee shop. She’s on a quest to end a trafficking ring in an urban setting and… I don’t know, Chloe… I’ve got a lot of notes. I’ll produce an outline today.”

“Yeah. Yeah, okay… Simon, are you okay?”

“I went through a recent breakup… Should fuel my soul for creativity.”

“Oh. Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t even realize that you were involved with anyone. Well… I look forward to seeing what type of urban magic you create.”

He nodded and hung up. Urban Magic… He tilted his head at the screen. Maybe he should add magic to the story. He shook his head. They didn’t WANT magic from him. Magic wasn’t selling recently. Maybe if he lollygagged long enough, he’d miss this wave of everybody trying to pretend to care about diversity by lazily including POC here and there or telling a tone deaf story, but dipping the language and/or characters in a little bit of color/culture that the writers didn’t understand or know… He sighed… And why did he even care to stay relevant in writing if he was going to be writing crap that he didn’t even care about?

But… he did care about her. He cared about her life. He cared about her story. He missed her and he missed the rush of having her there. But, he knew that he had to make the choice and currently, that choice was that he loved his mom and Grace refused to be around him. Her friends were keeping them apart, but if even one of them would hurt his mother in the process, he had to let go of this remarkable fantasy where this beautiful deadly knight falls in love with a sensible prince, no matter how much he was willing to give to her in the process. Besides, he’d never done this before - let himself be so taken up with someone that he shirked all reason and rationale to know them and to love them… So, Simon decided to move on.

It “worked” for a little while. For a few weeks, he stopped following them, stopped watching, and even got back into the habit of focusing on work and stuff. He was sending Tulip massive therapy checks and whenever his 26th birthday rolled around, he tried to enjoy himself. He and his mom went to Minnesota to visit Tulip and her mom for both his birthday, Christmas and New Year, since those were all three so close and the Olsens were like their family. He opened his social media back up and was regarded with a lot more online love than he had for the weeks he had been set to private, hoping to weed her out. She was gone. He had to just accept it.

Except… he couldn’t deny himself one indulgent little search. It was his birthday, and he had resisted for weeks! That was very big of him, considering that most of his year had been spent focused on her and her alone and this was ONE day where he should have been able to just try to peek and see if anybody saw what she was doing on today… And… she was back…

He saw an account come up in her name on one of the social media platforms “Grace St. Catherine Artwork” and… he was now scrolling through her photos while everyone was having cake… She had artwork she was posting. The Saint and The Shadow… They seemed to be foils, but no… no, no… He understood it better than most of the people giving the works likes. That static figure in the background of the heroine in these images wasn’t an enemy, lurking around her… it was an extension of who she was in the light… and some of them even had a face… His face. She was really good, even though she “dabbled,” according to her. But, she “dabbled” in a lot of things that she wound up being pretty good at. He wanted to go through and like them all, but he was so afraid she might vanish again… and even though he was supposed to just be checking, a small indulgence for his birthday… he knew the moment that he saw a video of her drawing vigorously while Hazel walked around on the desk and read the caption, “Thinking about my ex on his birthday and making what I would have given him. Not gonna show you all, but that’s what I’m doing. 😝” and he noticed that it had been posted today… he felt like he was falling down a dark chute that led him directly back into his deepest feelings.

“Oh, he’s on Grace’s page,” he heard his mother say and it snapped him back into the room. He looked up and Tulip was staring at him in concern, Mikayla, in confusion and Aunt Meg gave him a sympathetic look. His mother kissed him on his hair and squeezed his shoulder, “We can do gifts later.”

“No. No… I’m good.” He smiled and Tulip noted that it was a different one than the one that he had earlier. She couldn’t tell which one was more painful to look at, that empty one from when they arrived, or this one laced in emotion that she just… worried about.

Whenever she found him later, she reminded him, “You said that you two were over.”

He nodded, “We are,” he said and Tulip knew that he never lied on purpose, but he sometimes… lied to himself and fully believed it. It was fine before Grace, but all she could do now was be afraid for him and his… delusions of grandeur.

“I thought she gave up social media.”

“I guess she felt comfortable enough to return. It’s just a business page, though. Well.. An art page. But, it looks like she sells her work. That’s cool. Good for… good for her.”

“Simon, please promise me that you won’t get yourself entangled in this woman again…”

He frowned and turned to look at her, “No.”

“Simon.”

“I’m not going to promise you anything about her. I can’t. I don’t like to lie, and… I just don’t know. I don’t know what I’m going to do when it comes to her. I never meant to become obsessed. I’ve never stalked anybody. I never… was the person that my emotions for her turns me into. I can’t make any promises anymore, Tools. Not about her.” She sighed and wanted to cry, but also didn’t want to in front of him. He patted her on the back, absentmindedly and went back inside.

After the holidays, whenever he got back into town, he’d successfully been ONLY watching Grace’s one art social media page (not officially following it, either) and had been “off” of watching her friends or engaging in their business for almost two months! He was proud of himself. He wondered if that was why when he got home, there was a jumbo envelope outside of his door with no postmark and HAPPY BIRTHDAY in big letters and familiar script. He picked it up and opened it before even unlocking his door, neglecting his luggage bag now to see this artwork, drawn onto cloth, of him curiously reaching out for a rose, meanwhile its thorns were wrapping around him and even cutting into his flesh. His face is enamored and the rose is wilting. He looks like if he can just touch it, he believes that at least one of them, or perhaps both might be saved… Or… maybe he looked like if he could just touch it that one of them or both might perish… So, he didn’t really know what message she wanted him to comprehend from it. He guessed that would depend on perspective, and in either… he still needed to touch her.

Simon messaged the art account, “I don’t understand. Why are you doing this to me? I stopped. I left you alone. I let you go… Why are you torturing me? Is this what it felt like to you? Are you punishing me for wanting you too much? For giving up on you and moving on? Please… just… tell me what you need me to do…”

Sunny sighed and held her forehead, then looked at Xander, “What is it that you need him to do?”

Xander rubbed his hands together, thinking to himself, then said, “Arrange a meeting for him, in the Field, since he fucking knows about it now. Make him come alone and… I’ll handle it from there.” Sunny bit her lip and stared at the screen. “Come on, Sunny. You’re the only one that might be able to fool him. He’s too skilled in Grace for any way that I might type it up to actually sound like her. You capture her perfectly. He obviously believes that this is her page.”

“That’s mostly on the strength of Xandria copping her art style. This just… This is going further than what you initially said we were doing, which was figuring out if he really had moved on or if he was just waiting for an opening to come for her again… It feels like we CREATED an opening that he wasn’t waiting for. If you would have told me about the birthday present, I never would have agreed to this.”

“Sunny…” Xander kneeled in front of her and cupped her face, “I would never ask you to do anything that you don’t believe in and I won’t ask you to do anything else for me, ever. But, I have to protect her and I have to protect all of us. He’s dangerous.”

“I don’t think that he is, Xan…”

“He IS!” He rolled the chair aside and began to type, hoping that maybe Simon was too shaken up to note any differences. “I think we need to face each other and finally settle things, good or bad… I’m not going to live in fear. I’ve done that already.”

Simon wiped away tears, “There’s nothing to fear. I just… Okay. Let’s meet, then. Remember our last date night?”

Xander blinked and looked at Sunny, “Do you know what that means? Is this code? Did she have CODE with him???”

Sunny shrugged her shoulders and shook her head, “He was her official alibi for a few months, just in case, so maybe it’s something to do with that. She’d definitely remember though, and he’ll definitely know that she wouldn’t have forgotten a detail like that.” She folded her arms and watched Xander type.

“I do. But, that’s not what I want. I want it on MY terms. You’ve controlled enough without my permission. Meet me in the place that you weren’t supposed to be.”

Simon suspiciously looked at the message. That could mean anything and while Grace was very vague at times, he usually knew exactly what she was vaguing about... “Your apartment?” he asked. “The storage unit? Where is this place that you’re talking about?”

Xander frowned, “I think he’s made me. Sunny… You have to help.”

“I literally don’t.”

“If he figures out that this is a set up, he’ll react and it’ll be bad.”

“Then just say “Sorry, I can’t do this. I’ve gotta go,” and leave him the fuck alone.”

“NO! I can’t do THAT.”

Sunny rolled the chair back in front of the computer and typed out, “Huh. I was told that you and my Left Hand discussed this place whenever you last saw each other. She was… compelled to give you some advice on the subject.”

“Oh…” He frowned. If she wanted him to come to the Field of Nulls, maybe he understood this drawing, after all… She didn’t think that she could come home unless he was gone. She intended to kill him. He let tears fall down his face. She betrayed him. He knew that she was upset and that she wanted distance, but he never would have thought she would take it this far. He responded, “I don’t like this Grace. It feels like I’ll be harmed. I’m going to have to set up some insurance. If something happens to me, I’ll have to have someone… release things. Are you okay with agreeing to this?”

Xander hissed, “Shit!” Sunny stared at him. At any moment, he could just admit defeat, confess to Grace and work on fixing her anger about it. “Reply something, please?”

She sighed and typed, “Do whatever makes you feel safe. You should know that I wouldn’t hurt you, but I understand why you’re leery.”

This was… oddly trusting, but suspiciously selfish. Grace would begrudgingly agree to do their last Date Night alibi and take upon the potential danger to her group all on herself. As much as it hurt him to know it, she would NEVER allow even the idea of putting them in danger, not for anything, not even him. And… to just contact him and then do so, out of nowhere, when he hadn’t been bothering any of them or her in months? He looked at the artwork again. He began to look through artwork that he had salvaged of hers and he found one that he remembered, of him. He checked it against this one and wow, this was elaborate as hell of a plan and ALMOST got him, but… that wasn’t Grace’s work. It was beautiful, and he loved the whatever the message was or the warning… but, somebody else had made this. He wondered if they had forged the “Happy Birthday,” or if Grace had actually written it, and if she had, had it been for this? That didn’t seem likely. “If you don’t meet me at our last Date Night in 30 minutes, I’m going to set the wheels in motion.”

Sunny tossed her hands in the air. “He made us. You’d better come clean to him and to Grace.”

“It’ll take me less than 30 minutes to get to his house and kill his ass,” Xander said, grabbing a bat with nails hammered into it.

“You can’t be serious. Grace is gonna…”

“Forgive me! Grace is gonna forgive me for fucking up and fixing my mistake!” Xander fussed. Sunny tried to stop him and he snapped at her, “You’re wasting my time! He’s gonna rat on us to the police!” She moved aside, hurt and scared, but when he pulled off, she called Grace. This was going too far and even if he DID successfully kill Simon, he was going to definitely be fucking arrested and thrown into prison for the rest of his life.

“Grace, this is an emergency. Xander is going after Simon.”

Grace KNEW it was true, because even though Sunny was playful, she wouldn’t play like this and this was the first time that she had ever said his name right. “Warn him,” Grace said first. Sunny typed it into the messages, as Grace added, “And explain it to me.”

After the 15 minutes it took Sunny to explain everything, from the warning Simon to stop, Xander being paranoid that he was still out there, watching and waiting, the fake art page, the gift, the ruse and tonight’s messaging, Grace was already heading for the airport. Xander was going to lose his shit, but Grace was losing hers and Sunny could tell that there was gonna be hell to pay whenever she got back.

It was hours later that Xander came back home, and Sunny wasn’t there. Jalicia was asleep, but he woke her up and went over it with her. He had gotten a call from Grace. She found out about him spearheading his first executive decision to take Simon out while she was in Canada and she was on her way… She pulled rank on him, and she was probably going to kill him… to… to actually choose this null over him… “She’s unfit to lead, right? She’s… she’s fucking lost it, right? RIGHT?”

Jalicia pulled him into a hug and let him cry on her, “Grace would never hurt you, Xander. Your paranoia is just messing with your mind. Grace would never, ever hurt you.”

“She’s choosing him over us. He threatened us. He said he would turn us over and she’s going to give him what he wants? She’s going to just LET him use her like a puppet? She’s let him void out every part of her that has made her the champion we put all of our trust into!”

Jalicia knew Sunny’s routine enough to remember which tea to make, which grass to smoke, which songs to play and Xander eventually fell to sleep in her bed, crying over it all.

Grace called Simon and he picked up, while at her old apartment. “It's me,” she said.

“Hey… Was it you? Before?”

“No, but I’ve been caught up to speed. Where are you now?” He said the address and she froze, “My old apartment?”

“Yeah. I figured that 808 would be less likely to set my headquarters on fire if they were here. The damage that might be done to uninsured neighboring apartments and all that. The thing is that I was trying so hard to get over you and to give you space and they just… didn’t let me. This shouldn’t be allowed. They shouldn’t be allowed to do this to me…”

“Well… Let’s call it even for your previous violations.” They were silent. “Please, Simon. If you ever cared about me, don’t hurt them…”

“Why does..?” he groaned so loudly it scared her. “Why does EVERYONE act like I’M the dangerous person? I’m THE ONLY person in this entire situation who ISN’T fucking dangerous!” He took a deep breath and shook his head, “Sorry, that was unfair, and I’m sorry.”

“You said that you were going to turn them in if I didn’t come to see you.”

“I knew that wasn’t you. They… still don’t know you as well as they think that they do and if they do know, they certainly can’t translate it properly. I wouldn’t hurt them or you, I was just testing to see if they would tell me the truth.” He heard a knock on the door and he froze.

“Are you gonna let me in?” she wondered. He thought about grabbing his gun, just in case she didn’t believe him and in case that wasn’t her and she had actually sent Xander, after all… but… why go through all of this for that? He looked through the peephole and she was there. He wanted to open it and throw his arms around her, but what if she wasn’t alone? What if she had a syringe and the van was right around the corner? Oh God… He was doubting her. He was afraid now. Xander had won, in a way. He didn’t want to open the door. “Simon, are you in the apartment, or not?”

“How do I know that you aren’t coming here just to finally get rid of your stalker problem?”

“I guess you don’t know that anymore than I know if tomorrow morning, I’ll have a bigger stalker problem than I had yesterday. It's up to you whether you trust that I’m here to try to fix things or whether you break my trust and hurt my friends.” He opened the door and glanced up both hallways before stepping out, but she pushed passed him and went inside of the apartment. It was similar to the storage, but somehow more haunting in a home setting. Her face everywhere and all of the information and surveillance reorganized. She sat on the couch with the Grace mannequin/doll.. Which was now more detailed than before and also now wearing clothes she’d left behind. She raised an eyebrow and shook her head.

“I was never going to hurt you.”

“I know,” she said.

“I�� don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know why I did this. Why I took it so far.”

“I do.”

He sat down between her and the mannequin, “Because I let you and I encouraged you. I wasn’t sure, but I surely had my thoughts and I liked them. I liked my thoughts of you being so into me that you would follow me around or watch me for a long time, even obsess over my photos and hang on my every word. I don’t know what the fuck love is supposed to look like, in a normal setting. I thought maybe that was one of those things… that this was how it was supposed to be if he was really into you and then, I indulged in the thought of somebody loving me and wanting to serve me, not because we had endured shit together, or because I pledged revenge in their name or I saved them, but just because I’m me. I wanted to be special. I’ve always wanted to be the love of somebody’s life. Even when I was little, before I… before the Apex…. The FIRST Apex, I never had the love that I craved and thirsted for. I suppose those years didn’t teach me much. Because I still managed to get inside of a pretty carriage with a nice man and head directly into disaster.”

“It's not your fault. You didn't ask for anything, and even if you wanted me to... I made a choice and you never knew for sure how far I took it all. But... Please tell me you don’t think that I’m so bad? As that man? That this disaster is like that one...” He looked like he might cry and she reflexively took his hand. They smiled at each other. He exhaled and squeezed her hand, “I found him,” he said.

“What?” she asked, laughing a little and confused about the random turn in the conversation.

His face turned serious, and hers followed, matching the expression. “I found him.” She was still confused, but suddenly apprehended by stress as Simon moved to grab an envelope much like the ones that she got from the flower shop, like the one that he gave Jalicia. He was saying words that didn’t make sense. Stuff like, “Outside of their territories, city limits, neighboring towns news,” and so on and as she pulled out a mugshot of a man who obviously had seen better days, a flood of emotions came rushing over her. This man in the photo, years older, and a lot of stress later, but it was undeniable. She had forgotten certain details, but her body had definitely remembered them in the trauma it stored. If she took off some years, added some money, and a big bright pinky ring, it was him. This was the man that took her.

This was the man that stole her life and gave her this awful destiny that made it so hard for her to love… She looked at Simon, and he helped her flip through the pages, because she couldn’t.

This man was arrested not too long after she disappeared, and whenever he got out, he went to a half way house and reentered society… all in a span of time before she ever got back home… He had moved on and lived past it while she had still been in it. The sound that erupted from her was terrifying, but Simon refused to react to it. Instead, he set the information aside and took her hands into his.

“I was going to give it to them and try to lure you back to me, but whenever they threatened my mom, I,” he sounded ashamed to even admit it. “I chose her…”

“They threatened your mom?” Grace asked. “God, Xander spiraled…”

“No, not him, the girlfriend.”

“Alexandria? She’s been out of the…” She stopped, seeing something regretful in his face. Her heart broke. “Sunny?”

“I didn’t know if she meant it, but I couldn’t take the chance. It wasn’t like she knew that I had this, but I wanted to avoid something happening to Mom. I love my mom.”

Grace shook her head, “She wouldn’t have, but, she might have let Xander, if he went for it. She’s… she wouldn’t have, but she didn’t tell me… She told me everything, I thought, but she left that part out. Would she have?”

“Xander making murder attempts, Sunny making immoral threats, do they even… still acknowledge you as their leader, or has the mission changed?” He asked. He wasn’t being manipulative, this time. He was actually very concerned. Because, if the Apex thought that Grace was turning on them… If they thought she was a threat to everything they’d built, or unfit to lead… if they thought that she was a danger to them all…

“I have to go…” She said, collecting the information and leaving the apartment. “Don’t follow me,” she said. “I mean it.”

“I’ve learned my lesson,” he said, choking down the anger of rejection and the disgust of her rushing into potentially dangerous arms with what he thought might be the most important thing she had ever been given in her life!

Her eyes were soft upon him as she hugged the information to her chest. “Thank you, Simon.”

His anger was gone. He came over and gave her a hug. “You… remember our last Date Night, don’t you?”

She scoffed and laughed, “Duh. That romantic ass shit. Why?”

“I just… hoped you had.” He smiled at his feet, “You didn’t tell them.”

“I mean, I didn’t tell them any of them. It would be easier to just tell them if the need arose, than to give them several to potentially stumble over. To be honest, it was a shame it was fake. That’s the kind of thing…” She bit her lip and now she looked at their shoes. “That was around the time that I knew how I felt about you.” She turned and left quickly, not offering how she felt. She… knew that he probably knew. He knew everything else about her.

Grace felt like an outsider here. Maybe it was the time she spent in the safe house, maybe it was the fact that two of these three people had kept secrets from her and tried to lie to her, whether in her personal interest, or theirs… she hated it, but she also would forgive them. They were held together by interweaving threads. Even if she didn’t fully trust them right now, what could she do? Do this shit without them? Unlikely. And there was the whole matter of Simon. She hadn’t seen him since she had been back. Sometimes, she thought that she felt him watching, but she was always too afraid to turn around to check. More afraid that he might not be there than the thought that he might.

The X was taking the trash out in the alley, the way he tended to do around this time at the place that he worked as a custodian. Sunny felt conflicted about it, since he hadn’t been a criminal in years. Jalicia felt like the group needed to heal before trying to do a job like this. Xander was willing to do anything to get into Grace’s… well… her good graces. Grace was out for blood and feeling betrayed that only Xander seemed as bloodthirsty about this as she did, and that even this seemed fabricated for her pleasure!

They had gone over Jalicia’s tactical plan, and it should have been a breeze to pick him up, but whenever Grace got out of the van and to wait and the van was still, in the darkness, the man was cautious. There were no businesses doing anything in the alley at this time of night and he knew that a van meant criminal activity. He didn’t want to get involved and tried to rush back in. Grace knew that the door would lock, so she rushed upon him and when she did, he was prepared and shot her right in the abdomen.

Should she have known to not rush him like that? Of course. Could she rationalize in the moment that she did? Not really. And whenever Xander started the van, Sunny opened the door to try to grab Grace, but the X was pointing the gun at the van now and Xander swerved out of panic and Sunny couldn’t catch hold of her. The other shots fired and Sunny screamed, unable to see behind the van, but presuming of course, that he finished Grace off, unless he had been firing at the van and simply missed every shot. She didn’t know what the hell had just happened, but Xander was still driving and crying, and not seeming to turn around and mow that motherfucker with this thing.

Simon was out of his car by the time she was shot, his own gun drawn and his heart racing as everything happened much too fast for him to save her from what happened. The first gunshot rang through the night and he watched Grace fall and the van start. They were going to leave her. OF COURSE they were. That’s what they DID. But, he wasn’t going to. He could hardly see the shadow moving and shot him first in the back of the neck, but once the body fell he advanced on him, continuing to fire into him until he emptied the gun and reached Grace. She was unresponsive. It was too dark. He could see a little bit, but the security lights on the outside of most of these buildings hadn’t been changed in a while and the nearest one only gave him a little, so he made sure that she knew it was him. He turned on the flashlight of his phone and found the wound to try to stop the bleeding. He was on the phone and writing something on her hand, and trying to hold it together, but he couldn’t. He was crying and confessing on the phone to having shot someone. They were thinking he meant that he shot the woman he was calling about, but he managed, “No. No… Not her… I love her. I shot him. I’m sure I killed him.”

He wasn’t crying because he killed someone, though maybe later, that would hit him harder. He was crying because all he had ever wanted to do was help her, save her, protect her, and it was his fault that she was dying in his arms. It was his fault… and she had just gone unconscious...

14. A Shot in the Dark Pt.2

#AU Infinity Train #Infinity Train #Nesha Fanfiction #Infinity Train Fanfiction #fics #People Watching

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xiaolindude · 4 years

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xs or tts!

Send me series and I’ll tell you my:

U GET BOTH.

Favorite character

oBVS RAI

Second favorite character

i love clay, kimiko, dojo, jack and wuya sO SO MUCH. THEY’RE ALL MY SECOND FAVOURITE. it changes quite a lot but if i had to pick just one i guess i’d go with jack?

Least favorite character

i’m not a big fan of chase tbh, and The Bean is a dumb dumb.

The character I’m most like

listen rai is easy to write bc. we are. essentially the same person. i mean he’s cooler than i am and has powers but the mindset and thought processes and fears and stuff? spookily similar. i think i watched the show at 6 years old and was like ‘that one is my favourite so i’m gonna subconsciously adopt his personality’ lmfao

Favorite pairing

i used to ship kimiko and raimundo a lot as a kid but now i much prefer them as Best Friends. i love my raijack with all my soul but a Very Specific Brand of raijack, and not in a canon sense. I don’t think i really ship anything properly in a canon sense

Least favorite pairing

i really really dislike ch.ack. like a lot.

Favorite moment

when people underestimate rai and he fucks their shit up and they’re like ‘... oh’. idk man there are so many moments i love! i love whenever kimiko or clay get to shine for once. e.g. in ‘like a rock’ where clay won his showdown by just... being nice to that bird?? what a fukin sweetheart omg

WAIT THIS MOMENT WAS SUPER POIGNENT AND IMPORTANT TO ME AS A KID. rai being like “I know! I’m the only not apprentice! But you brought me here because you knew I could become the Dragon of Wind! If I’m ever gonna learn to be who I can be, people are gonna have to trust me”.

LIKE. this is a kid who has some BIG failings and made some BIG mistakes, but is fighting so hard to try and make up for them. and he’s been kicked REPEATEDLY because of these mistakes, again and again, especially in this episode. and his biggest canonical fear is not being good enough! and yet here this poor kid is, standing up for himself, showing up for himself, acknowledging he’s not there yet and he’s got work to do, but also believing in himself enough to stand up for his right to be trusted to try. like?????? i just. dang. that Hit Hard and still does

Rating out of 10

honestly 9/10 season 3 got kinda weird and some characters were done dirty but i mean it IS a kids show and it’s got a lot of childhood nostalgia so i’m not tHAT mad also who approved xc i just wanna talk

TTS:

Favorite character

EUGENE OFC

Second favorite character

lanceeeee, my underrated angel

Least favorite character

big oof. ummmm Calliope ig ?

The character I’m most like

eugene with a pinch of cass and a lil’ sprinkling of varian. and a little bit of willow

Favorite pairing

New Dreaaammmmmm

Least favorite pairing

c.assunzel for sure. also cassarian for obvious reasons

Favorite moment

the songs bc they’re (almost) all bops. idk man, i’ve made a lot of posts on my eugene blog detailing a bunch of my fave moments but i can’t pinpoint one in my head rn for some reason. i love every lance and eugene interaction bc i loVE STUPID BROTHERS.

Rating out of 10

probably 7/10. i hate season 3 for the most part but seasons 1 and 2 are solid, the music is AMAZING, the art is beautiful and the story is fun. i just despised cass’ s3 arc, what they did to rapunzel’s character and the way eugene was treated so poorly by the writers so they could focus on their new characters instead :/// I am Bitter. but overall it’s super fun and gave us a lot of great stuff

#cauterisen #what’s the dealy? • ANSWERS.#moça • OOC.#long post //

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songketalliance · 4 years

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Stop Fitspo

“Instead of taking on these fad diets that fitspo culture was encouraging, for me, it was healthier to eat a balanced meal, exercise regularly, have a positive mindset, and recognize that calories aren’t evil, they’re vital.”

A contribution by Surah Azlan

Disclaimer: This article is about my journey with an eating disorder. It should not serve as a prescriptive way to deal with eating disorders, and does not represent everyone’s individual challenges.

“You should eat less than 900 calories a day, that’s how the K-Pop idols stay in shape”

“No rest days. You have to commit to the grind. No pain, no gain”

“Cut out rice off your diet, it’ll make you fat. Go keto instead!”

These kind of advices used to always echo in my head. Weighing at 84kg as a teen, I grew up feeling ashamed of my body and dreamed of losing weight. I’m now 47kg as a young adult, and I get asked all the time how “I did it”, like it was a victory. But really, it was a long, slow process of growth and understanding myself.

Like with many others, it all started on social media, with these so-called fitspo posts. Short for fitness inspiration, fitspo is the trend of posting pictures of a fit & healthy lifestyle in hopes to motivate others. On the surface, it sounded like a good thing. With millions of followers, fitspo culture supposedly encourages people to exercise and achieve their “dream body”. Social media would be full with pictures of people showing off their slim waistlines, six-pack abs, thigh gaps, etc. Feeling inspired, I started off by watching Chloe Ting videos, tracking my calorie intake, intermittent fasting, and going to spinning classes 3 to 4 times a week.

It felt amazing at first. I was dropping down from a size M to an XS. Exercising became my favourite pastime, and others even looked up to my so-called fitness journey. I was becoming fitspo.

Like a rollercoaster soaring high, my journey also eventually had to go crashing down. It started taking over my life. Thoughts of calories, fear of gaining weight, and the urge to vomit my food crept up my mind. As if they were scratching my brain, these thoughts haunted me and everything I did. I lost sight of my work, my lifestyle, and the things that mattered to me. I could no longer appreciate what was in front of me, everything became just another step to a smaller, thinner body. The food on my table, the people I was with, my own happiness; all clouded by my desire to look good for others.

Things changed when a close friend started noticing my change in behaviour, “You need to go see a doctor. If this continues, you might develop anorexia,” she said.

“Eating disorder? What do you mean? You’re just on a diet and taking care of your body,” My father replied when I told him about my psychiatrist’s diagnosis of me.

The reality was that I was far from taking care of my own body. I ate the same 2 meals everyday (greek yoghurt for lunch and broccoli for dinner), not reaching my caloric needs, neglecting nutrition, and vomiting out anything I deemed as ”bad food”. The effects didn’t just stop at eating. I refused to go out with family & friends to restaurants because I would feel anxious, I wore sweaters indoors because my low body fat meant that I was always feeling cold, and I was constantly feeling weak & having fainting spells.

But people kept commenting on my body, saying things like:

“You look pretty now!”

“You’re so fit goals!”

“I wanna be thin like you too! Siuk eh!”

How could I ever want to abandon my destructive eating habits when I was constantly showered with the assurance and acceptance I felt I lacked all my life?

It’s been a tug of war between wanting to be healthy and looking my best, between what I want and what’s right for me. With the help of my doctor, proper nutritional advice, and the support from family & friends, I’m able to slowly make progress towards a healthier and more positive relationship with food.

My road to recovery made me realize that fitness is not about having a low digit on the scale and a flat stomach, it’s about my own goals and how it makes me feel both physically & mentally. I understand now that what I was doing previously was counter-intuitive, as consuming less calories meant that my metabolism was slowing down in order to conserve more energy, thus leading to a weight loss plateau and possibly leading to binging. I would’ve been stuck in a vicious cycle of binging and purging. Other than that, my eating habits were putting me at risk of developing electrolyte imbalance, weak bones, and complications with fertility.

Doesn't sound very fitspo anymore.

Instead of taking on these fad diets that fitspo culture was encouraging, for me, it was healthier to eat a balanced meal, exercise regularly, have a positive mindset, and recognize that calories aren’t evil, they’re vital. We also need to acknowledge that health can be different for people based on their own specific needs. Health exists at every size, so there’s not one ideal representation of what a “healthy” person looks like, which was what fitspo was conveying. What’s more, we need to recognize that bodies change and adapt, and oftentimes it’s not within our control, so we should avoid making unsolicited comments about others’ bodies.

Fitspo culture and the whole gym-rat wave is a double edged sword. If it makes you happy, it’s good to strive for a fit, healthy lifestyle, but if you let it consume you and allow weight loss to dictate every action you take, it easily spirals to an eating disorder that threatens the very life you are trying to improve. We need to be more self-compassionate and recognize that nobody’s perfect, and no body is perfect either.

A contribution by Surah Azlan

Interested in contributing to Songket Alliance? E-mail us at [email protected] with your ideas or article.

Like Songket Alliance on Facebook and follow us on Twitter.

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frostygar · 4 years

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The Flash S5 Ep 1 Thoughts

- The intro being like Barry’s in the beginning, but with Nora’s voice-over? AMAZING. I’m just going to call her Nora Allen because… yeah… and XS is her name? Clearly she wasn’t named by Cisco because that’s… 😬😬😬

- However they casted Nora so, so well. She’s gorgeous and she does look like a mix of Barry and Iris. I just thank God that Barry and Iris are not actually blood related or else she’d look… not like that. Barry’s face when she tells him she was named after his mom, I’m SOFT 🥺🥺🥺

- Cisco coming to the rescue with humor to save the tension, just like she pointed out. Love to see it! But why would Caitlin not realize that if that’s Barry and Iris’ daughter, why WOULDN’T she know their names? C’mon, Caitlin is smart… although I guess it’s automatic for people to ask that so I’ll give it a pass.

- “And your name is XS…” “Clearly not my doing” wow I love being right lmao but it’s a nickname??? Because she always did things in excess? Isn’t that kind of rude because Iris called her that because she was always doing more, going over the top. Whatever, I may end up liking it I’m not sure so I’ll just continue watching.

- Ralph being Ralph and Wally low-key feeling insulted that he didn’t know about the legends, iconic as always. But what was better was Joe’s “oh fuck” face when he realized that Cecile still had her powers lmao that’s hilarious!

- Ooh the title card mixing Nora’s purple with Barry’s yellow/red? Now THAT is iconic!!! However… Iris DOES realize that the only reason their lightning is a certain color is because of their outfits, right??? Barry’s suit is red and yellow and her’s was purple. Lightning trails kind of mean nothing other than the fact that they’re a speedster…

- I know this being a bit bitchy but the fact that Iris called the idea of Nora Marty McFly-ing herself could ruin her own existence was Terminator 2 and not Back To The Future highlights the fact that Barry is a nerd and Iris isn’t and therefore, in that way, do not fit together (and yes my Snowbarry shipping ass does recognize that Caitlin probably would because she’s also a nerd but I’ll keep that out for my first thought-post)

- “I’ll be back… in a flash.” God Nora is the CUTEST thing! And her little giggle was so cjdsfhaskjfhskfa She’s so excited to meet her parents even though it’s dangerous I just love her okay

- Iris is a bit cute with meeting their daughter too. I love that she was like “I knew she was our daughter!” since Barry was skeptic, as he should because this is a superhero show and therefore do not trust anyone who comes into your life claiming to be something but Barry is also right that they need to get her back as quick as possible. I wish they’d been allowed some time to mull over what happened though because it’s been hours since everything went down last season.

- Can’t believe Wally is back (even though it’s probably just for a little bit) I’ve missed him so much and it’s just so surreal 🥺🥺🥺

- Even though I feel bad for Cisco about his breakup, instead of focusing on Iris being all cute and proud about her daughter, I was more focused on Caitlin waving her hand above Cisco’s face to check on him lol I love their friendship so much they’re really tight and I swear to GOD they better not ruin it

- FINALLY Barry is given his mundane job back! Technically it was supposed to be last episode but obviously shit hit the fan so… Still, I know that eventually Iris goes back to being a reporter but that separation, having different jobs is exactly what they need because being together all the damn time is very annoying and focuses so much on them. I’m still bitter that they made Iris the “leader” of team flash despite knowing nothing (but suddenly does because fan service) about the level of science they use every day, Iris really only knows how to be bossy and commanding

- Barry being all awkward and stuttering over calling Iris her mom I love it, so cute. Also, HE HAS HIS OWN SPACE AGAIN WE LOVE THAT FOR HIM.

- Nora being just as smart as Barry? We love to see it! Her also loving his favorite dessert? We love that too! Barry bonding with his future daughter? WE LOVE THAT EVEN IF IT’S DANGEROUS.

- I miss Barry having little quips when he’s out and about as the flash, like him connecting with the cops is so sweet.

- Nora if you’re going to show up where he’s going to battle another meta, don’t give away the fact that you’re there when you’re not supposed to be!

- FLASH MUSEUM. Isn’t there always a museum for superheroes in these kinds of things lol are they REALLY that surprised when they’ve made drinks and if I’m remembering correctly, a day for The Flash??

- “I’ve studied everything” hinting at the fact that she learned from the museum and not her parents, meaning something happens to one of them, probably Barry.

- Hungover Cisco is really… interesting. Sad we don’t get humorous Cisco because he’s mulling over a migraine but hey everyone has off days

- RALPH COMING IN TO SAVE THE HUMOR WITH THE “MANYVERSE” AWWW THIS POOR DUDE!!!!

- Why can’t we have this cute Iris who’s like her own person all the time? I mean the last few episodes of s4 were actually quite tolerable and I’m not sure how or why but please let this tolerable Iris stay PLEASE

- First of all, I love Schway, second of all, Iris being the mom who tries to be hip… we love to see it.

- Knowing that Nora never was around Barry because of something I’m not sure of (gotta love seeing spoilers lol) and Iris apparently treating her… not that great… and her hugging Barry before she leaves (which will probably fail) and not Iris hinting at that in the future just—ugh wonderful show

- Called it not working! I mean, how else is she supposed to stay in the show lol they wouldn’t introduce Nora for an ep and then let her go home, especially in 15 minutes

- This meaningful talk between Barry and Iris is really sweet. Like, normally Iris makes it all about herself but she’s actually helping Barry and recognizing that this is how he feels and she’s genuinely helping. It’s so weird, it’s like I stopped watching and now we’re in a parallel universe where Iris is actually good and it’s tripping me up

- Iris using schway with Barry that was very cute

- Barry realizing that he’s not a part of the picture in the future 🥺🥺 Poor Barry…

- Nora calling herself selfish a bad speedster sounds more like words that she heard growing up……. :(

- God I am LEGIT crying at her explaining this to Barry, apologizing to him, him realizing that he DID miss all of his daughter’s firsts. It takes a lot of emotion for me to cry, like, a LOT. This is such a raw, emotional moment and it’s so, so. good. This scene is just 😭😭😭 they are such great actors JESUS pull me by the throat why don’t you

- BARRY USING HARRY’S WORDS THAT HELPED HIM PHASE TO NORA DJFILSAHFKSFHSKAJFHFKHFUHFKDS Nora gets to learn from her dad like she’s always wanted and Barry is a proud dad and I’m just… I’M FULL OF EMOTIONS RIGHT NOW OKAY

- NORA INCIDENTALLY OUTING JOE’S RESTING PLACE LMAO

- First of all, Nora gushing over her uncle Wally… the cutest… second of all, Joe and Wally interactions I’m so soft 🥺🥺

- “Will you take care of him, XS?” “You got it, Kid Flash.” WELL THERE GO MY TEARS AGAIN THANKS

- Ralph and Cisco banter we love to see it.

- RALPH WAS HELPING CAITLIN WITH HER KILLER FROST PROBLEM AWWWW I heard people ship them and I can see why because they have a really sweet relationship of helping one another at their lowest and I just… my crying is now a sobbing

- The second they said her dad had been dead for awhile I immediately figured that he wasn’t but anyways… CAITLIN’S DAD IS ALIVE YAY! She can get answers 🥺😭

- Why would Barry need Iris’s permission to go to Happy Harbor to get ice cream??? He’s an adult lol

- Ugh the ending, finishing with her outro just like Barry’s in the first ep. Fantastic. Chef’s kiss. Amazing.

- So is there some meta-human-hunter now??? Welp… rip Gridlock...

#The Flash #Barry Allen #Caitlin Snow #Cisco Ramon #anti-iris west #anti-westallen #Nora Allen #Wally West

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hereticpriest · 5 years

Text

Lost Stars Part 1

Post John Wick 3: Parabellum.

SPOILERS

@lvngdvns

“We can’t do this by ourselves.”

“I don’t intend on it.” The Bowery King stands tall despite his injuries, looking down on John Wick, the boogeyman, somehow still alive. Maybe it’s skill, or dumb luck, or perhaps he’s just too damn stubborn to die. Either way, he’s alive, and the Bowery King intends on making use of him in this fight for revenge. Him, and his connections.

“Aurelio gave this to me. She gave it to him at her father’s funeral. He gave it to me just before you went excommunicado. She designs weapons now. She left the business ages ago, but she stays in through a third party to keep selling her designs.”

The envelope he holds is old school, wax sealed, with words written on the front in bold, red script.

When John does something stupid, open me

John tenses, taking the envelope from him and carefully opening it. Inside is a piece of cardstock with an address written on it, a key with a number on it, and a pass to enter a storage facility. There is no personalized letter, no signature. To anyone else, it might even appear emotionless. However, John knows the truth. John could see that the action itself was the emotion. This was a woman with whom he had had a toxic relationship, and since he had left her, he had killed her brother and her father. After Viggo’s funeral, he received a letter stating her intention to avoid any sort of feud. Giving him condolences, expressing she's glad he got to experience Helen's love and hopes he appreciates how much of a gift that was, and saying she hopes he finds peace after this. The letter was without return address, or any evidence of where it came from.

There had always been a space in his heart that she had lived in, and that she would never leave. She was the first woman he ever felt for, though he hadn’t realized it was love until it was far too late. He hadn’t had a chance to go looking for her since he received the letter, and he wasn’t sure how welcome he would be if he did. But now? Her reaching out with this olive branch was a good sign at very least.

With her, this might even be possible.

Mischa Tarasov, the eldest of the Tarasov children, had always been everything her father wished. She was brilliant, with a keen mind for business, strategy and tactical defense. She was charming, a brilliant liar, and able to think on her feet. She spoke multiple languages, had been tutored in tactics since she was a child, and had been taught varying forms of self-defence since she was a toddler. Ballet, gymnastics and acrobatics had rounded out her training, giving her versatility and instilling an almost unhealthy work ethic in her. She was everything her brother wasn’t; driven, focused, able to lead or follow in any given situation. Mischa could take a punch, could endure torture, and could inflict it effectively. She was everything that Viggo wanted, and she had loved her brother with all of her heart despite his rampant stupidity and short-sightedness.

When she left the Russian mob, it was not because she didn’t love her family. She left the life because she wanted to be Mischa instead of Mischa Tarasov. That began with continuing her ballet training, leading her to find an apartment of her own. She got a roommate to help keep herself afloat, despite the money she had. She wanted to save it, in case of emergency. Which is how she met Mallory, and by extension, Duncan. Mallory was everything Mischa could have wanted from a roommate, and her boyfriend Duncan was just as amazing. Of course, that was after Mischa had a serious conversation with Duncan about knowing he was the Black Kaiser and how she knew how to kill him if he hurt Mallory. Mischa struggled with relationships, primarily because she didn’t want attachments, and because she didn’t trust easily.

Mallory frequently found herself concerned with Mischa’s stress level, and that led to her badgering her constantly. Which led to Duncan intervening on Mischa’s behalf. That led to Mallory and Duncan catching each other admiring Mischa’s ass as she bent to pick up some clothes from the floor in her room while wearing a sundress that barely covered her. After a frank conversation, Mal and Duncan agreed to approach Mischa separately before going together.

One night while Duncan was out of town, Mallory approached Mischa while she was bathing after ballet practice. She started easy, rubbing Mischa’s ankles and calves, then moving up to rub her shoulders. Mischa questioned it soon enough, and Mal assured her that Duncan was okay with this. Mischa leaned into her touch after that, dragging Mal into the bath with her without much more thought to it. Mal ended up taking the lead, and after fingering Mischa in the bath for a bit, the girls ended up in Mallory’s bed. Mal tugged Mischa into a top-and-tail position, giving her little chance to breathe before she began to work her open with her fingers.

It took a couple of days before Mallory was off overnight for work, and before she left, she stole a couple of kisses from Duncan and told him to have fun. Mischa overheard that from the kitchen and furrowed her brows, cracking open a beer. Just over an hour later, Duncan had Mischa lazily slumped against him while they watched a film, playing with her hair. He was hard from anticipation, and he didn’t see much point in dancing around the point, so he gently tilted her head back so she was looking at him.

“Ya hotela tebya ves’ den’.” Duncan murmured, watching Mischa’s pupils dilate and her lips part. (Translation: I’ve wanted you all day)

“Duncan… Mallory-“

“She knows. She wants it. Just like I wanted her to play with you.” Duncan promised, skimming his hands over her hips. When Mischa nodded, he lifted her easily, setting her on the kitchen table. Once her jeans were off, he pulled her underwear to the side and slipped on a condom, then began to slowly press into her. By the time Mallory returned the following morning, Mischa was blissed out in bed with bruises covering her hips and thighs while Duncan sleepily made breakfast. It became a thing after that. Odd as it may sound, Mischa became a part of their relationship. If Mallory or Duncan were gone, the other would usually turn to Mischa for affection. When they were together, Mischa was a bit of an outlet for both of them. All the while Mischa was able to get the affection and sex that she needed while never feeling trapped by the relationship.

Duncan told Mallory about his background, so Mischa came clean as well. Duncan helped Mischa get some contact with the underground again and assisted her with transporting her designs and retrieving payment. When Mallory decided to move in with Duncan, Mischa was sad to lose her roommate, but the pair invited her to live with them not long after. Their triad was comfortable, and there wasn’t much point in separating if they didn’t have a reason.

It continued like this for some time. Mallory and Duncan comforted her when John got married, though she absolutely refused to admit she cared. Mallory insisted she had stunted emotional growth, but Duncan would just remind her how Mischa grew up and it would once again become clear why. The day after the wedding, Mischa admitted she was happy for John, as he finally would get to experience a life on the outside. To love, and be loved, as he deserved. It hurt, but Mischa was used to pain and had enough distance from John to adjust quickly.

Learning of his wife’s death was difficult, and the events that followed regarding her brother and father made her want to lash out, but she wasn’t sure if she was more upset with John or her own family. In the end, she stayed out of it and simply waited until she got the call from Uncle Abram through Duncan to assist with the funerals. She was paid out her entire inheritance, as well as Iosef’s, and she put them in the bank, then gave Aurelio a letter at the funeral and went home. She didn’t leave her room for a week after the funerals, and once she came out, it was to go to an appointment for tattoos.

She had a collection of mob related tattoos, including 8-point stars just below her collarbones and an intricate cross on her ribs. Tarasov was tattooed on her shoulder blades in big letters, and she had a lioness rampant on her lower back on the left side. After her latest appointment, she returned with a tattoo of Iosef’s birthday on her wrist, Viggo’s name on the inside of her upper right arm, and two Xs behind her right ear. MS and DV had been tattooed behind her left ear for years, one of her only non-mob related tattoos. She also carried John’s initials carved into her inner thigh from when she had been his.

After getting her tattoos, Mischa readjusted to normal life in the healthiest way she could – by getting Duncan and Mallory to hurt her. Duncan taught Mallory how to use Mischa’s stiletto knife to cut lines into her hips that would heal with minimal to no scarring. He helped Mallory tie Mischa into intricate poses that strained her muscles even with her ballet training, and left her in them until she tapped out or he decided that any more would do serious damage. Usually the latter, considering the stubborn set of Mischa’s chin. Duncan fucked her hard enough to make every movement ache, and Mal helped force her to cum over and over again until she begged them to stop. Mallory practiced asphyxiation under Duncan’s watchful eye, and the two spent a day edging Mischa until she sobbed, broken and defeated. After five days of this with only the most basic aftercare allowed by the stubborn Russian woman, Mischa clutched the two of them to her and allowed them in. They showered her in love, each in their own unique ways, and things finally went back to normal.

They stayed good for a while, until Mischa’s phone dinged one day with an alert telling her that someone had just entered her emergency storage shed.

She lays behind Mallory, curled around her while she laid half on Duncan, watching the security cameras to catch a glimpse of John. The pang she felt when she saw him again showed on her face, clearly, because Mallory steals her phone to take a look. She sighs.

“You weren’t kidding, Misch. He’s handsome.”

Duncan chuckles, leaning over to look despite knowing full well what John Wick looks like. They watch as he searches through the storage shed, finding each hidden shelf and drawer like they were labelled for him. She supposed in a way they were, since he had shown her a lot of the techniques she had used. After finding the address she had left for him for their new home, he uses one of the bags she’d left to load up on weapons, ammo, body armour and gold coins, then grabs the bag of essentials she’d left under her desk and heads out.

“He won’t take long to get here.” Mischa informs them quietly, looking unsure of whether she was happy or sad about that, “I won’t drag you guys into this, I promise. I don’t know if I’ll see you again, but my will is under the floorboards in my room. It’s valid, but someone might try to change the contents, so I’ll leave you guys with the original copy.”

“Mischa, stop it.” Mallory insists, snuggling closer to her.

“No, Mal, I’m serious. There’s every chance I won’t come back. I’m going to try not to die, but I can’t promise I won’t.” Mischa looks up at Duncan, and he sighs softly, leaning over to kiss her passionately. It is a goodbye kiss, and Mischa loves him for giving that to her. Just in case.

Mallory notices the energy in the room, and after a moment of observing Duncan, she pins Mischa to the bed and kisses her hard. It is its own kind of goodbye kiss – the kind of kiss you give someone instead of saying ‘damn you for leaving’. Mischa presses her forehead against Mal’s once they part, just breathing her in and enjoying her last hours with them.

“Look after her, Duncan. If you guys have kids, you better name it after me.” Mischa teases, smiling at Duncan’s snort. She snuggles in between them, relishing in their affection while she still has it. Soaking it in like warmth on a cold night.

Neither of them ask if she really has to go. They know the answer.

#john wick #spoilers for parabellum #john wick/oc #john wick/original character #duncan vizla/oc #duncan vizla #polar #oc/duncan vizla/oc

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nova-fanart-dump · 5 years

Text

SCIENCE LECTURE

In my fic here, Sherlock has a little brainstorming session while drugged out of his mind, and this sheet of notes below is the result of it. I decided to write out a little explanation as to what all the individual parts of it mean. The explanation will be in the format of ITEM - TRANSLATION - BREAKDOWN. The item will be the selection of the notes that the section will be explaining, copied roughly verbatim for the reader's convenience. The translation, if needed, will be translating Sherlock's (my) shorthand into standard notation. The breakdown, then, will be the explanation.

Disclaimer: I was a medical student, before I had to withdraw due to hand injury, and my area of study in undergraduate was neuroscience and neuropsychology (and music performance, but that's not relevant here). I do try and explain everything in layman's terms, but 1) it will get a little technical in parts, fair warning, and 2) I'm still learning on how best to explain concepts to other. I try my best, people!

ITEM 1: THE LIST

1) Narcotics- hallucin? (Translation: Hallucinogen)

2) Sleep dep. Halluc (Translation: Sleep deprivation Hallucination)

3) Mycroft- test?

4) Lights show

5. GMO (Translation: Genetically Modified Organism)

6) Moriarty???

7) Acute psychosis xxx

Breakdown:

In the episode, Sherlock says that he had come up with seven possible reasons for how he, Henry, and John could have all seen the dog-that-could-not-exist, and that he'd settled upon narcotics as the most likely. I came up with a list of seven of my own reasons:

1) Narcotics- hallucinogen: self-explanatory, as explained by the actual episode.

2) Sleep deprivation hallucination: this episode takes place what appears to be several days into pretty severe nicotine withdrawal, for Sherlock. His sleep schedule seems to be disastrous as is, and the nicotine withdrawal would've made him even more wired, so there's a solid chance he hadn't slept for several days, which is long enough to for sleep deprivation-induced hallucinations. While the hypothesis itself is perfectly sound, Sherlock puts it at number 2 instead of 1 because A) Henry ALSO saw the dog, B) sleep deprivation induced hallucinations generally don't start out with a full-fledged monster dog screaming in your face. If this hypothesis had been correct, he should've been experiencing more subtle hallucinations all night long.

3) Mycroft- test?: As discussed in series four, Mycroft occasionally has been employing tests into Sherlock's mental stability for decades, focusing on what Sherlock believes to be a dog. Sherlock, being Sherlock, has likely noticed this. Mycroft knows Sherlock is hanging around Baskerville. Sherlock also knows Mycroft knows this. Under the influence of a paranoia-inducing narcotic, Sherlock very easily could suspect his nosy brother at being somehow responsible.

4) Lights show: Again, inspired by series 4, and how the illusion of a ghost is created in TAB with nothing more than a projector. The logistics of how this would actually work are hazy, which is why this is further down the list, and quickly discounted by Sherlock.

5) GMO: While GMOs are usually discussed in the context of resilient strains of plants, all it really means is genetically modified organism. I'm speaking as one educated in 2014+, not 2012 (the ep air date), but breeding an especially large dog, and genetically modifying it to have red eyes, would probably not be too difficult a feat, scientifically. It could even be glowing, if you spliced in that GFP gene that the scientist mentions! However, this possibility is unlikely, because it raises the very big question as to why the scientists would allow their experiment to roam wild and attack people, why the scientists would bother making it in the first place, why haven't others taken pictures, etc. This is why it's so low on the list.

6) Moriarty???: Similar premise as the Mycroft's inclusion.

7) Acute psychosis xxx: AKA, "I lost my mind". Very unlikely, because it doesn't explain why Henry shared his hallucination, has no explanation as to why or how, and he has no other symptoms suggestive of a psychotic break. Which is why Sherlock scratched it out, and marked it with three Xs.

ITEM 2: THE FEEDBACK LOOP

This refers to the diagram, sitting just to the right of the list.

Breakdown:

X -> SNS Act -> Occ. -> (SNS Act) | (Amyg up) (Temporal) (up up Amyg)

Translation:

Unknown Substance X -> Sympathetic Nervous System Activation -> Occipital Cortex

(Amygdala stimulation) (Temporal) (Further Amygdala stimulation)

Let's define some terms!

This little diagram is a positive feedback loop, drawn very messily and with multiple steps added in after the fact. In biology, a feedback loop is a circuit in which the output of a system feeds back around to affect the system's input, which indirectly affects the system's output again, and so on. A simple example of a positive feedback loop is as follows: Addition of Substance X to System yields output of Substance Y. Substance Y triggers the production of more of Substance X, which again yields the output of more of Substance Y, which again triggers more production of Substance X- and so on. (feedback loops in the body are far more complicated, and most will eventually trigger their own end, etc, but such discussion is beyond the purpose of this post).

Unknown Substance X = input of whatever Sherlock was drugged with

Sympathetic Nervous System = simplistically speaking, our autonomic nervous system has two parts that work together, the sympathetic nervous system, and the parasympathetic nervous system. PNS can be summed up as rest and digestion, while SNS can be summed up as fight or flight.

Occipital Cortex = simplistically speaking, the visual center in the brain. There are other areas involved, but this area is the key and center to visual perception.

Temporal = simplistically speaking, the auditory cortex in the brain.

Amygdala = simplistically speaking, the fear center of the brain.

(I am defining all these terms as their relation to this situation at hand, nothing more. The brain is not so simple as to allocate X Function to Y cortex.)

So, Sherlock theorizes that input of Drug X stimulates the SNS and/or the amygdala, which caused inappropriate occipital lobe stimulation leading to hallucinations, which increased Sherlock's fear response, which caused further SNS activation, and so on. He suggested temporal lobe as a possible step; however, at no point during the episode did the drug cause auditory hallucinations, which is why it's not including in the loop proper.

There are actually a few problems with his loop, because he drew it out on the fly, while high off his mind, and he's not a neuroscientist, but he's got the right idea. The inappropriate, uncontrollable stimulation of the amygdala is almost certainly what Drug X causes, and would result in fear, paranoia, and increased suggestibility, all stated symptoms of Drug X. Inappropriate amygdala stimulation leads to inappropriate SNS activation, which encourages hallucinations, but would not cause them directly. It's likely that the drug also caused overproduction of dopamine, which can cause hallucinations. (However, there is no guarantee the occipital cortex was involved).

Whatever the chemical cause of the hallucination, he "sees" the dog, freaks out more, amygdala continues to be stimulated, freaks out because he’s Sherlock and isn’t used to freaking out, and the cycle continues, which is what leads to Sherlock's panic attack/meltdown in the pub- short-term, we're able to handle those stress reactions, especially if they're rational reactions to a stimulus, but keep them going for hours at a time and the body will start to freak out.

ITEM THREE: SYMPTOMS LIST

3a. Tachycardia, (up)hidrosis, shaking, panic attack?, nausea, emesis

(up)hidrosis = hyperhidrosis

Breakdown: Very rapid heartrate, increased sweating, shaking, nausea, emesis = vomiting, panic attack? (Question mark because Sherlock is not convinced of the diagnosis. Even high off his mind, he's still got his pride- he's Sherlock Holmes! He does not Get panic attacks! >;0)

3b. NOT NICOTINE, WITHDRAWAL UPUPUP

Breakdown: as John says in the pub, Sherlock was pretttty wired before all of this. Sherlock notes down that these symptoms are not the result of the nicotine withdrawal, because he can still feel the now increased effects of the nicotine withdrawal going on alongside these new symptoms. Chemically speaking, Drug X probably wouldn’t have any /direct/ effect on nicotine withdrawal, but it very well might exacerbate it indirectly.

3c. OH NO EFFECT - NOT STIMULANT

Translation: Alcohol no effect - not stimulant

Alcohol, to our bodies, is a depressant. If you drink it with a straight stimulant, like caffeine, their effects will counteract each other; for example, if I want to drink but keep clear-headed, I'll have a soda with my glass of wine. (DISCLAIMER: this will not make it safe to drive, this will not prevent alcohol poisoning, this can be dangerous, and do not do it in anything but careful moderation). Sherlock, as seen in the show, gets a shot of alcohol, probably in a desperate bid to calm down. It also does not work at all, because he was not dosed with a stimulant, but a hallucinogenic. The hallucinations led to stimulant-esque effects, but with no stimulant to counteract, Sherlock would simply end up sloshed and panicking. Sherlock realizes that the alcohol is not having the desired affect, and, when he realizes he was drugged, concludes that it therefore can not have been with a simple stimulant.

ITEM FOUR: DIAGRAM B

Oral --> long-lasting VS inhale --> feedback loop

no IV/IM

BLOOD TEST NEC ASAP (check)

Breakdown:

While the identity/structure of the drug he was dosed with are important, the route/method of administration are also a huge factor of variability that affects the intensity and timeline of the symptoms. Sherlock mentions four different routes of administration, here: oral (PO), inhalation, IV, and IM (intramuscular). A drug taken orally will have slower and longer lasting effects than one that is inhaled: one that is inhaled will act almost immediately, as seen in the episode, and its effect will also wear off very quickly.

Sherlock theorizes he must have taken the drug either orally or inhaled it, because the only other options are being stuck with a needle at some point, which he is sure never occurred. (Really, there are a few other options, most notably transdermal, that is unlikely for other reasons). Because the drug affects him for so long, he assumes he must have taken it orally, but also allows inhalation a spot on the list, by noting it could have instigated a feedback loop, and continued affecting him even after it'd left his system. He also notes the need for an urgent blood test, in the case that there are still some traces left to analyze. Especially if the drug was inhaled, the blood needs to be drawn ASAP. (Without any information on the chemical structure of Drug X, though, I can’t make any sort of estimation on what results Sherlock’s own blood test would show, with the sample drawn ~8 hours after being dosed).

ITEM FIVE: TIMELINE

To the left of diagram B, eleven hash marks next to a supremely messy "hours". AKA, eleven hours of 'experimentation', after Sherlock realizes he was drugged.

(upside down-items):

ITEM SIX: FORMULA

C12H22O11

The chemical formula for a sugar, which, as Sherlock states in the episode, was his initial theory. This would suggest PO as method of administration, not inhalation, but Sherlock's also not thinking too straight, right now. Give him a break. (He's also probably got a ton more information on PO medications in his head than airborne compounds).

ITEM SEVEN: SHERLOCK'S THEORY

THC? -amyg overstim in subject

-no SNS activ

(scratched out, termed STUPID by Sherlock)

Translation:

THC? - amygdala overstimulation in subject

-no SNS activation

Breakdown (this is the most technical passage of the post, fair warning:)

The 'subject' in this case refers to Sherlock. THC, as you probably know, is is the primary hallucinogenic/psychoactive component of cannabis (marijuana). Also as you probably know, cannabis tends to reduce anxiety effects in most individuals, but in some, it results in a paradoxical panic reaction. We're not entirely sure why, but this panic reaction appears to be due to GABA paradoxical disinhibition. Essentially, in a standard patient, cannabis leads to mass increases in GABA, which is the calm-down chemical in the brain. However, in these select patients, cannabis' initial activation of GABA may lead to the brain telling the production of GABA itself to calm down, which lead to an overall decrease in GABA levels in the amygdala, which leads to a panic reaction. (Disclaimer: This is still a working theory in the scientific community, and all depends on an individual's makeup of receptors and neural circuits. This is by no means settled discussion, either the end result or its mechanism.)

Overall, irrelevant to THC and cannabis, patients with severe childhood trauma do tend to have amygdalas that are primed for overstimulation (possibly by the very process described in the paragraph above). Whether Sherlock deleted Eurus and Victor or not, those neurological affects aren't something he could just will away. This is not saying that if you have childhood trauma, you will have a negative reaction to cannabis- but it IS saying that Sherlock might be a candidate expected to have a negative reaction.

Now, given Sherlock's extensive drug history, I'm sure he tried cannabis, at some point. It is also, however, never once brought up in the series proper, which suggests he has absolutely no interest in trying it again- perhaps because he had a negative reaction the first time. The panic reaction and amygdala overstimulation would probably feel similar to how Drug X affected him, which is why, initially, Sherlock writes it down as a suggestion, and also notes that it would not directly cause SNS activation. (At this point, he is not sure if SNS activation is a direct symptom or not).

He then swiftly marks it out as a stupid theory, because he realizes that he has a very atypical reaction to THC, so the likelihood of Henry sharing his hallucination and panic is very low. More to the point, because his reaction is so atypical and unpredictable, it makes no sense that unknown criminals would drug them with it.

TO SUM UP:

Sherlock is a graduate chemist, not a medical doctor, neuroscientist, or neuropsychologist. He does seem to have a great degree of interest and expertise in pharmacology, and probably also has a lot of knowledge in different routes of administration, due to his own personal history and his interest in forensics. However, he has no need to know, for example, the exact neuro-chemical causes of hallucinations. Therefore, his sheet of data is intentionally a bit spotty and with questionable accuracy, at points. (He also gets a bit of a break, considering he was "off his tits", or whatever the fuck that means, at the time. Poor guy needs a rest and a blanket and a hug.)

And that sums up Ranowa's entirely unnecessary lecture on pharmacodynamics!

#Sherlock #science #ranowa sciences #since i had to withdraw from med school this is literally all my the use my STEM education is getting #enjoy enjoy enjoy

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