#it just doesnt feel worth it anymore tbh. i just share them now with the one person that matters and thats it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

away-ward · 9 months

Note

Hello, I was unsatisifed with a lot of background things happening in DN and the way PD wrote them, and here are the two main things i wanna share with you: pregnancies and worldbuilding (?).

Tbh, i was a bit sad, angry and pissed off with the way PD handled pregnancies in the DN series. For a series that's so "forward", "not following the crowd", and "make rules for themselves", these characters are all always so stuck in the past even when they shouldve already moved past THAT past. EVERY DAMN COUPLE had to have children, and somehow, outsiders' opinions of their relationships, even after getting together, still mattered a LITTLE BIT TOO MUCH. Understandable that some opinions could affect them because how could they not, no matter how much they wanna say they wanna do whatever they want, they still live in a society, and that society is the highly judgemental, political, and corrupted town, Thunder Bay. Considering that they still have feelings and could be affected by hate comments etc., they just cannot always act like it didnt affect them, like the way rika thought michael would leave her because she couldnt get pregnant and how that also relates to her "worth" as a woman, especially in a heavily judgemental society like TB, where even when a lot of them wre "progressive", a big part of the community were still holding up to traditional values of what women are, should be, should do etc. They're not living in some wonderland or some shit like that, ok fine, BUT what i dont understand is how these opinions wouldve affected them so much even after getting together for YEARS, and even worse, they just never really communicate about them, butthen they fight, fuck, and just got over it as if every thing is fine all over again. So whats the point of that dramatic infertility announcement in conclave then? Stupidity!

Every time we got something good for the characters' progression, PD always had to ruin it by regressing the progress of their characters, and worse, these characters don't even talk about what they want or expect from each other in their relationship. Not one, even KaiBanks, the seemingly "most mature" couple in thes series. The immaturity of these couple were on another level! This was one of the aspects of DN that unsatisfied me the most. I HATED how reductive PD made pregnancies and child planning look in DamonWinter's story. Like they have a litter of children, while being emotionally, mentally and financially irresponsible adult themselves, and ijust couldnt enjoy any kind of child-related things in this series honestly. Not even WillEmmy! Why cant we just have couple who take their times to get to know each, settle down everything first, then be fucking mature adults and plan their future together? This "reckless live to the fullest" sounds so bonkers, because it doesnt involve the horsemens and their wives anymore, theyre bringing their kinds, who are INNOCENTS (!) into this world and lifestyle without thinking about it further. The only person who had put a thought (even a little bit) towards this issue was Will and that says a lot because he wasnt even always sober before Nightfall! It was clear even when he wanted Emmy in his life, and his implied thought rpocess of taking revenge on her, that he couldnt just force her to live his lifestyle, or even bear his kids, because it's not just gonna be Willemmy anymore, it's now WillEmmy + their kids + their nephews and nieces + the others now. Everyone's live couldve been on danger and some innocent couldve suffered. Because of this, I feel like DamonWinter are just so immature and selfish as a couple and parents because its always about what THEY want, but not what the CHILD needed (before winter got pregnant), like they never really thought things through in a longer run, and feeling everything and having fun, is all they cared about at the moment. Damon never really thought about building skills and get a job like a mature responsible adult and partner until Winter reminded him, and im just so done! I love that that Damon's hater ask pointed out his incompetency because i so agree with them, and i think this is one of the aspect of his (and others') incompetency. They just think like children, and they do not have the maturity of a grown adult who has to work with others around them, it's insufferable! On the other hand, i also think thats why each of them were writter so diffrent yet similar with one another because they needed this balance. Not evryone has to be the same, as an individual, they had their weaknesses, but as a family, theyre perfect for each other.

As for my other own personal in depth unsatisfying feeling about the pregnancy aspect of this series, i just cannot stand to read rika's big ass meltdown about her infertility in conclave, and this does not come from a place of lack empathy about her situation, rather it's because of the way PD wrote it. In fact, i was FUCKING LIVID with the way PD was so quick to just label Rika as the one who was infertile, when there were no medical checkups done on Michael, as if the responsibility or for a lack of a better term, "fault" for infertilities all lies on the shoulder of the women-here, and it's Rika. Sure, her period cycle was fucked yada yada yada, but from the start, i always read it with an implication that it's rika who had to deal with all that pain and shame, and this is definitely a heavy blame on the writer because PD couldve literally balance it out with michael's possibility of being the one who was infertile instead, or made rika said something to michael about doing body checks or checkups as a married couple, but PD. NEVER. DID. God! This was why that whole infertile thing was so infuriating to me. Also, If PD already knew that rika was already handling with so much responsibilities with people around her, why on earth would they put more stress on rika's shoulder? Rika was in college (probably full time and on her last year, yeah), so she probably had a lot of things to prepare for, then she had the fane empire business to take care of, the mayor election campaign, being an NBA's star's partner making time in her pact schedule for michael (she's probably gonna have to be dealing with a lot of press not just for her main job, but also for this NBA thingy too), travelling from one place to another for college and business, oh and she's a fencer, works at the dojo, a local town campaigner, a sister who checks up on everyone etc. so why the hell would preganancy at the age of 22, mind you, would be so important when she already had so much on her plate, and she hasnt even reached her mid-twenties yet? It's FOMO, but the way PD wrote it made it felt so weird to me, and it shows rika's immaturity (understandably so) of dealing with sensitive issues that a lot of women around the world had to go through, instead of a woman who we could sympathise or empathise with for going through all of this at 22. And that's the thing, Rika was already dealing with a lot, didnt even really talk to michael because she was worried for his career (but she could talk to KAI OF ALL PEOPLE and damon? Huh?), and now PD just had to put some unnecesaary implied cheating drama and stupid plot about infertility here? For what? For the drama? The infertility conversation didnt get solved with sensitivity or further couple planning, it just went over their head, and suddenly, OF FUCKING COURSE RIKA HAD A MIRACLE BABY BEFORE SHE TURN 33, OMG SHOCKING!!! I'm so tired reading these books with suden pregnancy tropes, because a lot of authors just cant write this trope very well, so it always comes off immature, romanticised and insensitive to others. Some people dont even enjoy reading this trope for whatever reason that is, so this plotline just ruins their story further. I just can't stand the silly logistics of it all. Like Miss Girl, you're 22, sit down! Rika couldve used that time to built her skills to be a good aunt, a competent political debater, a businesswoman AND a politician so that she could be an amazing women figure in their family for herself and others, and then run the Fane empire and the mayor thing slowly so we can see her like Banks' short scene in nightfall's epilogues dealing with some political stuff, but noooo, it all just happen at once and we're supposed to but that? Like she doesnt even have the BASIC SKILLS to run a town, why dont PD start from there first? I think if she was given more trainings and drills, she can make a great politician in the future, but unfortunately, we never got to see that.

And that's the thing, even if rika IS the town's sweetheart, what kind of town, with the majority of people there being people with high profiles, political connections and corruptions, would just listen to this 22 year old girl preaching about "kindness" when all she did, was just being family to a bunch of similarly privileged new adult pranksters with a history of crimes and "not fitting in" with the rest of the crowd? Do they not understand how political agenda or advertising work? Thats not how politics and organised systems work! If i was a resident in Thunder Bay, rich as fuck i couldve bought almost anything in this world like (Gabriel Torrance), i would not even pay a single mind to rika or the horsemen, in fact, i would usurp her position and gang up with some other locals in town, just for fun, to piss the them off. Like What happens to voting systems? It just doesnt make sense. They treated the town's safety and mechanisms like it's a child's play and not some serious and dangerous political business that requires working with so many people from so many different industries so that a town could work fine. Every time rika opened her mouth to talk to her workers or people in conclave, i swear i throwed up a bit in my mouth because of how cringy it was. That Ninja comment by Damon was even cringier. If PD wanted to convince us with this IT Thunder Bay couple of the successful Michael, the NBA player and the own sweetheart Rika, the TB Mayor + business owners couple bullshit, they gotta make it make sense you know. I GAGGED when they threw that engagement party in kill switch, then damon dissed them thinking "what the fuck is this all" because that was the first time ever that i agreed with damon lmao! It's really not on rika at this point, i noticed, PD was just always shit at writing logistics, because they're a very idealist writer. As long their idea works, nothing else matter and that's why, all these important logistics seem to fly out the window in their every. damn. book. in this series. And somehow they always got their redemption arcs and turned out to be Mary Sues and Gary Stus by PD, even Damon! Oh, please! Anyway, I just know by now that if i wanna enjoy PD's books (aside from birthday girl), i gotta turn off my thinking hat so that it wouldnt ruin my fun of reading their books. (Don't even get me started with Alex's jobs because aside from MichaelRika, Alex's was the most unbelievable among them all, but one thing i liked about her story was that she was childless, like YESSS GIVE US SOME RICH SUCCESSFUL AUNT CHARACTERS yk). PD did a great job at the fall away series, the hellbent series, and birthday girl's worldbuildings though, so maybe they should just stick to writing about middle class suburban characters who just mind their own business, and not high profile people who's about to rule the world.

What do you think about this? Or have this part of DN series never really interest you much?

Hellllloooo! I’m laughing because you said “background things” so I was expecting things that happened in the background plots but then you listed worldbuilding, which to me is pretty significant. I don’t know why, but that got a chuckle.

I mean, to start with, I think I agree with you on most of your points. For me personally, this is not a series that’s meant to be dissected and analyzed to the degree at which we’re doing it. Once you start pulling at strings, it all comes crashing down. Our MCs are all “morally gray” but for the “right reasons”. They always get what they want and always come out on top. When I go into their world, I try to turn off my head and just have fun. I find that’s when I enjoy it the most.

But yeah. I’ve thought out it in terms of “what in the world is this. This wouldn’t work.” and I've ranted about it plenty too.

Re: the pregnancy the issues you brought up - I also didn’t like that everyone had kids at the end. I didn’t take issue with the lack of planning, but that could just be me. I also didn’t mind that none of them chose to remain childless. I feel that most people grow up knowing they’re going to be parents, or at least get to that point in early adulthood. It’s not so much a question of if, but more of when and who with? And I think the latter is the most important question to answer. I’m happier knowing that these people had already committed to each other before having children.

I was upset because CC introduced the idea that Rika and Michael couldn’t have children of their own. I was intrigued with the idea that this couple, the first couple we followed, wasn’t going to get everything they wanted. So much as worked out for them, but this big thing…that’s being withheld? I was intrigued with where this was going to go. I would have been super happy if M&R had committed to the idea of being childless and focused on other aspects of their very full lives (as you brought out) and then Aaron came along. I would have even been happy if, after Rika voiced her concern, Michael calmed the situation down and reassured her in some way. His immediate reaction seemed to confirm the reasons why she didn’t tell him in the first place, not to mention his reaction to her confiding in Kai (are you not all family? Doesn’t she get to have as strong a bond with him, as with any of the others? Why does he get all your suspicion? It’s hardly fair.). But if he said he didn’t care about any of that, he just wanted her and their lives, whatever came at them without going to the other extreme first, then I could have dealt with them adopting. I didn’t like how Athos came into their lives though; just so perfectly plopped into their laps.

Basically, I wanted to see Rika and Michael struggle. Or know that they struggled and got through it together, before getting everything they wanted. But it was all handed to them and that made me mad. It also upset me that it felt like the message was “a child will fix a marriage” or “children are needed for a happy family”. There didn’t seem to be any creative thought for what a family could look like.

I personally didn’t have a problem with Damon having a big family. Honestly, that makes the most sense to me. Though at the end, with Emmy, it did feel like a rush to fit all of the couples having at least one child, but then that also kind of makes sense. Will was 27 by the time Indie was born. He’s not a young parent by any means, and all his friends already had children. If he wanted his kids to grow up with them, then he didn’t have time to wait. I also think when you consider the age gaps with Kai and Banks kid’s (11 and 5) and Will and Emmy’s kids (9, 5, and a mystery but still young), then they probably did some planning. And they probably didn’t have to do as much planning as you’d think. They’re financially secure and own their company. Money isn’t an issue for them. They live in a small town and their kids will go to private school, so picking a good neighborhood isn’t necessary. They live around extended family and have hired help, so who’s going to watch the kids in case of an emergency is settled. The only thing they’d really have to think about is raising children, knowing the kind of enemies they’re going to have, but there’s always risks to anything involving children, so it’s either do or don’t. What I liked was that they were committed to being parents. It didn’t just happen and now they have a kid they didn’t want or an unexpected, unhappy accident. That would have been sad.

I mean, I agree that they should have thought it through before becoming parents – it seemed for the narrative that Banks and Winter were sort of…surprised to be pregnant? Like they didn’t think it could happen or was going to? (And wasn’t Winter also on birth control when she became pregnant with their second? Or am I making things up again??) But who knows, maybe they did discuss it and we didn’t get that part of the story.

None of the guys thought about getting jobs; privilege gives you that kind of freedom. Michael only wanted to be a pro-athlete. The others didn’t even know what they wanted to go to school for. Kai figured it out in prison when he had no choice, Damon thought he was going to inherit his father’s empire, and Will probably thought he was going to work for his grandfather in some capacity. Or travel until he couldn’t anymore. All of them were immature.

I thought Rika said she went to the doctors, but I could be wrong. Not picking up CC for that. Anyway, I didn’t pick up on Rika accepting the blame of infertility. I think society places a lot of responsibility on the woman to bear children, so it didn’t strike me as odd that she would assume she was the problem. This is probably something a lot of women go through and might have felt relatable to some readers. And I have no desire to be a parent, so the level at which she was distraught over telling Michael didn’t hit with me, but I assume for someone who does want to be a parent, Rika’s reaction and handling of the situation might also be relatable. No idea. And when people are so wrapped up in their emotions, their reactions to things aren’t always right. I just know how I would have liked the situation to be responded to when emotions calm down, and I didn’t get that. So ...

Rika and Michael’s communication and trust issues, especially around Kai, are one of the issues I brought out in another ask. They really need to get those sorted out; it was getting ridiculous.

Overall, the first time I read CC, I got the impression that the infertility issues might have been something PD brought in from their real-life experiences. Maybe not them personally, but someone they knew, served as the inspiration (But that is just a guess and I have no way of knowing. I could be completely off). And then at the end, they wanted Rika to have a child, so we got Athos. Later, it all works out for them and Rika gets to experience pregnancy, so we get Aaron.

It’s one of those things that yeah… it can happen in real life. But should it happen in this story? Does it add or take away something? I felt this plot point took away something from the story.

As far as Rika becoming mayor, this point had me scratching my head and laughing because yeah…she was still in college, or recently graduated, and she has all those other responsibilities on her plate. I mean, I don’t really care about her age. I’d look to Parks and Recreation, because wasn’t Ben mayor of his town at like…18 or somethin? But then he was bad at it because of inexperience. So yeah, Rika becoming mayor and then being good at it felt like overkill, for reasons you said: other members of community, more mature and experienced members, would be going that position of power, and also, she would be inexperienced in that sort of leadership role.

Which is why I always assumed she got the position through intimidation. Specifically through the Torrance’s name. Say what you’d like about Damon, I wouldn’t want him breaking into my house to “earn” my vote for Ms Fane. And let’s not get started on Bank’s taking control of Gabriel’s empire. Banks and Damon totally got anyone who challenged Rika to back down, and then pushed her into position so that they could all control the town and do what they wanted.

So Rika standing there and gaslighting herself “we’re not really criminals” is hilarious to me. Yes. Yes, you are. You are a criminal. You will be a corrupt mayor. Just because it’s “for the good of the town” and not just yourself doesn’t mean what you’re doing isn’t shady and corrupt. But sure, keep lying to yourself.

I don’t remember the Ninja comment but I’m sure it was cringe and I’m choosing to forget it.

But like I said, this series was just supposed to be fun. We’re not meant to think deeply and make sense of it. Just turn off your brain and enjoy the ride. Anything more than that, and starts to fall apart.

#asked and answered #devil's night series stuff #michaelrika #the horsemen of devil's night #character analysis #analysis and critique #rika fane #michael crist #no hate #asked and answered 52

4 notes · View notes

kjack89 · 2 years

Note

hi! first off, congrats on having 500 works up! ❤ ive been wanting to ask you for advice... im fairly new to posting fics on ao3, so i know not to expect much hits/kudos, but one of my fave fics that i wrote barely has any hits, and tbh it made me feel bad, coz i poured my heart into writing it. now im nervous to post the multi-chap fic that i wrote last year and am proud of coz what if it doesnt get appreciated and i lose appreciation for it too? :( do you have any advice for me? - E.

Thanks so much Nonny!

In terms of the advice you’re looking for…well, I can try, but the truth is, I may not be the best person to ask because the question you pose runs so opposite of how my brain is (mis-)wired that I temporarily blue screened while reading it. (Which is not to dismiss your feelings as invalid by any stretch! But they’re not necessarily something I’m equipped to help with.)

Which is to say, to me, you’ve already done the hardest part. You’ve already written something more.

When I have a fic that flops - and I’ve had a lot of them! I will have a lot more still to come! - my difficulty is always in getting past it to write the next thing. And I won’t lie, I’ve built in my expectations for return on investment into how I write fics. It’s why I don’t write very many multi-chapters anymore. It’s why I’ve had ideas for a fic and know that I’m never going to write it because the effort isn’t worth the payoff. It’s why I play things fairly safe in terms of treading familiar ground. Because I know how to manage my own expectations (and because I know that’s important to me to be able to keep writing).

But you! You have a multi-chapter already done and ready to go! And not only that but if I’m reading your ask correctly, you managed to write the entire thing without any feedback/hits/kudos/comments whatsoever! That’s mind-boggling to me. I don’t work like that. It’s one of many reasons why I struggle with the idea of writing a novel - I have a hard time staying motivated when I’m not getting semi-consistent feedback (in no small part because my brain chemistry is pretty fucked up).

Additionally, my appreciation for my own fics generally doesn’t change once it’s done and posted. I have moments of doubt, sure, like when a fic that I really love bombs I may question if it wasn’t as good as I thought it was, but I’ve been doing this for long enough now that I tend to read that more as a reflection on the fandom than the work itself. Like, oh, I wrote a whump fic, fandom didn’t respond, they must not be into that anymore (or at least right now), so I will probably not write a similar fic for awhile (or, if I get an idea that I just have to write that is in this vein, I’ll do so knowing that it’s gonna flop and adjust my expectations for it accordingly).

(And, on the flip side, if a fic ends up going over super well and I think it’s kind of meh, I don’t tend to think higher of it just because fandom loves it. I figure I managed to tap into something in the zeitgeist and that’s great but it doesn’t make my clumsy turns of phrase or lack of effort in characterization any better, y’know?)

So in terms of the advice that you’re looking for, I don’t know that I have an answer for you. All I’ll say is this: you can’t get appreciation from anyone besides yourself if you don’t share it. That said, for right now, maybe you decide to shelve it for the moment, to work on something else and keep this for yourself until you’ve established yourself in whatever fandom you’re in. And that’s ok too! I truly cannot relate (though I wish like hell I could) but you probably have a healthier relationship long-term with your writing than I do if that’s a decision you’re happy with.

At the end of the day, the only thing you (or any writer) can do is keep writing, so my advice is to do whatever you think will help you most to keep writing. That will almost certainly not look the same to you as it does to me, which I know is maddeningly unhelpful, but it’s all I’ve got.

#wrote this on my lunch break so sorry for the word vomit #ask #answered #hey nonny #blathering about my writing #in which I give advice that I am wholly unqualified to give #going to go ahead and add a #on the continued subject of constructive criticism #even though this is not but it’s somewhat in that vein #oh yikes this is even longer than I thought #long post for ts #sorry for rambling lmao

5 notes · View notes

smokerzgore · 1 year

Text

1:34am : it hurts more over lapping them rather in new spots. but it feels really really good it makes my body tingle my hands get a bit hot . i think im over taking something before bed seems to stop working. it sucks though. i would take something ever night. id take them and my family would come in my room and see if i was asleep and im just there high out of my mind or my siblings would walk in and id be on discord or on the phone high. i went to bed on the phone with my friend high same with one of my cousins. It sucks and its sad seeing people in the world on drugs lose there minds just to feel some type of way. and for me to sit either on call or just by myself sucks. Its sad being on call with friends high and not fully gathering what they say because im high, it makes me feel horrible the next day or just anytime they mention somthing and idr bcuz i wasnt there. all bcuz i wanted to feel high. drugs really do fuck up life. but then again while i sit here and type, there the only thing making me feel nothing. i have friends. but even than, i want to be alone with myself.

i used to drive to this lake like 10mins from my house where if you park at the top of the hill and go a little more up an sit on the table you could see the whole entire lake, i would sit there for a hour before school. wake up at 6am get there by 620ish and just sit there till 15 mins before school, id sit there and tlk to myself. there was one day, and only one person knows this but since i use this now and honestly dc about shit anymore, i sat there and cried i skipped 2hours of school because i was sitting there talking myself into kms. i texted my parents tellin them how my day was going.... gave them crap, telling them i wasn't gonna be able to pick my siblings up bcuz i had some school project or extra credit to do. i texted my older brother telling him where my cat likes to sleep so he knows where to find him when he doesnt see him when he gets home from work. i texted my little sister telling her i wouldnt make it to her game the next day bcuz i was planning to go to school for some project and telling her to do her best bcuz if not ill be mad. i started sending my bf atm money from my bank so he could help himself more bcuz he bought me to much that i could ask for i told him that i hope his football team for the super bowl wins and to make sure he wears his jersey right this time.... i took pictures of where i was and saved them. i stopped sharing my locations with aaliyah. and i sat there. i sat there and sat there. i got up look over the hill and looked down. my heart dropped and i fell back and gave up. the thought of leaving ehat i had at the time was horrible. i didnt wanna go but something in me did. i collected myself got in the car cried more banged on my stirring wheel. fixed my face and went to school went home slept. that was that. i went on as i never did anything. i should have, truly. but hey ig it was worth? cause i mean look who i have. i seen a lot of ppl come and go. i did shi, i caused shit, i was the reason, but in the end im alone your alone everyone's alone. its nothing new and will never be fixed. in the end ur alone. no one can be there truly for you. you cant get into my head . you cant get my feelings, thoughts, pain, nothing. anyways. i said i didn want to take anything tbh but im tired asf so night.

0 notes

pigeonxp · 3 years

Text

YGCMA songs and how they relate to c!Wilbur based off of yesterday’s lore (in my biased opinion)

This is so dumb and i literally don’t care. I can’t think about anything else other than doing this synopsis even tho like 28480329204 other people are going to do it. idc.

(I listened to the songs earlier, and i’m also listening to them as i write the opinions. these are basically just my thoughts while listening tbh. im also not doing the full song, just some things i feel relate within each song)

- Jubilee Line

the lines at the beginning of the song, “hate to see you leaving / a fate worse than dying” could relate to how wilbur feels after tommy gets pulled back into the overworld. or, he could be referencing L’Manburg and how he hates to see his country leaving him (ouch).

then we have the lines “your city gave me asthma / so thats why im fucking leaving / and your water gave me cancer / and the pavements hurt my feelings”. This could be in relation to L’Manburg as a whole. He put everything he had into L’Manburg and it only ended up hurting him in the end. yikes.

now we have “shout at the wall / ‘cause the walls dont fucking love you” repeated. This could be in reference to when he said he was fucking kicking and screaming to get out of the train station. hes screaming and he doesnt care because it doesnt matter to him. it doesnt love him just like how the people of L’Manburg didnt love him. wilbur get therapy challenge.

so based on the lore from yesterday, we know that c!wilbur’s limbo was a train station (props to fanartists. i love you.), presumably the YCGMA album cover type deal. when he sings “Theres a reason / that London puts barriers on the tube line / theres a reason / that London puts barriers on the rails” repeated. if the train station looks like how they do on the album cover, there could be barriers where he is. maybe hes trying his best to just kill himself over again by jumping onto the tracks. just in an attempt to escape. jfc

“theres a reason they fail”. he was still in the train station, wasnt he?

- Saline Solution

for this one, i feel like hes pretty far into the void and regretting his decision to have phil kill him. hes tired of being in a fucking train station for years on end.

“i think this time im dying / im not melodramatic / im just pragmatic beyond any / reasoning for thinking ive got / fuckin rabies or something.” hes so fucking sick of being in this goddamn train station and he thinks hes dying. hes so pent up and sick of being there, maybe hes just in so much pain that he feels like hes dying. if hes been there for a while, hes probably bound to go crazy at some point, hence the “pragmatic beyond any reasoning.”

“I think ive lost my mind / blurring the fact and the fictions” this feels like he really does believe hes going crazy and is mixing up the things he really knows and the things his mind is creating for him. maybe this is when tommy first arrived and he cant tell if he real or not (thats a stretch but i figured id share it anyway.)

“I think ive made my choice / im a deceased playing victim / slip the face, slip the victory” he quite literally says that hes a deceased playing victim. hes literally saying hes dead HAHHAHAH anyway. maybe hes blaming himself again, because us c!wilbur apologists all know that hes very good at doing that.

“Sit secluded in hatred /.../” hes sitting in a fucking train station for god knows how long beating himself up over and over again and just hating himself. hes all alone. with himself. someone he fucking loathes.

this is honestly all i have for Saline Solution, but i will definitely add more later if i get different theories.

- Since I Saw Vienna

This is my favorite song on the album and my comfort song so that could factor into this bit ahaha

im going to skip through this one a little bit and go to the line “The roads are my home, horizons my target / if i keep on moving, never lose sight of it / treating my memory of you like a fire, let it / burn out, don’t fight it, try to move on” this sounds like hes reminiscing on his home in L’Manburg and his presidency was something he relied on and he would fight to get it back, but now that hes dead and said that it should remain that way that he should just let it go. trying to move on from his symphony, forever unfinished.

“its been sixty weeks since i saw vienna / a bandage and a wide smile slapped across my face / ill pick up my hiking boots when i am ready / and ill put down my roots when im dead.” THESE LINES FUCK ME UP IN GENERAL BUT HOW THEY RELATE TO C!WILBUR RN IS JUST SUIBHYSBUSHDXNSKJDNHBD YK???? in the context that vienna is L’Manburg and he died, its saying that its been a long ass time since hes seen it and hes faking being okay about his death. he misses it but doesnt want to admit it. the picking up the hiking boots when hes ready is him moving on from his L’Manburg, and putting his roots down when hes dead is finally being okay with not living there/being an important part of it. he believed his death was the best for the people in L’Manburg and L’Manburg itself. it seems like hes still trying to convince himself.

“Ill be gone then, for when you must be alone.” hes gone. hes dead. hes in the train station. he left the L’Manburgians alone and hes alone in his limbo. man.

- Losing Face

this song is angry. hes so fucking angry. my thoughts are that this is about the following presidents after him. he feels like the L’Manburgians were happier without him and im pretty sure he believed that even when Schlatt was president. this is so evident in the lyric “Is he better than me?” Hes literally asking if the other presidents were better than he was. he doesnt believe he did everything he could to be the best president, even though we all know that he gave everything that he was into that country and then some. he broke himself for the L’Manburg but he doesnt believe hes enough. sheesh.

“Ive seen him / ive been him / ive felt the same way” even though he cant see the new presidents being president, he knows what its like. he knows that they might break under the pressure. hes been there. he knows how if feels. yikes.

“Ive lost all meaning / ive lost my sense of hope” this feels like when he was nearing the end of L’Manburg when he blew it up, and that he feels like trying to win it back is pointless. he has no hope for it anymore, so why not give up? his mental state is already shit yk so i cant really blame him for feeling that way.

“i dont care / i want you here / as long as youre happy, i dont care” this line. this fucking line. hes lost hope in being president, but he doesnt care. he just wants the L’Manburgians to be happy. that was his whole thought process while he was president. he didnt matter to himself, he just wanted them to be happy. he sacrificed his mental state for them. cries in wilbur apologist.

- Your Sister Was Right

this is my second favorite song on the album i think HAHAHAH

anyway

“I use everyone i ever meet / i cant find the perfect match / abuse those i love / while i ostracize the ones who love me / back.” wowie wow wow fucking ouchie. He feels like he uses his friends. this whole thing is a projection of his shit ass mental state rn fucking hell. he feels like hes abusive. thats what everyones been telling him. they tell him he was awful and a shit president and all that jazz even though hes been killing himself trying to be the best for them but its still not enough (pigeon projecting? more likely than you think)

“every time that i miss you / i feel the way you hurt / and i dont deserve you / you deserve the world / though it feels like we were built / from the same dirt.” man. hes dead lol. he misses the L’Manburgians. not only were they his supporters, but they were all his friends too. every time he misses his friends he feels their pain of when he first blew up L’Manburg. he feels like because he caused them all pain that they dont like him and that they never liked him and that he is undeserving of their friendship. he still wants to be friends with them. he still loves them. he still wants the best for them. he thinks theyre so much better than him even though they all created L’Manburg together. in reality they are all the same, but their actions impact each other and he feels that his actions make him worse than them or less than. fuckisonmdfnpbhife

“and i hate to say it / but your sister was right / dont trust english boys / with far too much free time” sister is dream mayhaps. fuckngeionsfjg that hurt sorry uhhh anyway yeah sister is dream?? he did say that wilbur would be a shit president and he believes that hes a shit president so he thinks they were all right about him being a shit president fbhjebinfnejg. maybe sister is just everyone who didnt believe in wilbur. man....

“a fucking waste of time” do i even need to explain this one? he fr doesnt belive hes worth it anymore and that hes literally a waste of time. hjkfbhnfve

- La Jolla

this one feels pretty far into train station limbo to me as well. namely from “and im lonely / there i said it” this could either be him being lonely as president and feeling like he doesnt have anyone to talk to really because hes too busy trying to hold himself together for everyone. either that or hes lonely in the station and didnt want to admit it because this is what he wanted. he wanted to die. he wanted to be dead because he believed thats what everyone else wanted and he just wanted the best for them.

“i could go away / i could pack my things and be gone before you wake” he could leave if they asked him to. he would do anything for them.

“you know ive tried hard to love me too / it always seems to fall in, through” this line already physically pained me but now it hurts even more having to relate it to a character i love. we already know that his mental state was declining as his presidency continued, but this would confirm that hes just trying to love himself even though he can never seem to get it right.

“my own personal sunset” this is just the ‘this is my sunrise’ line but different. my man misses the sun. fuck.

- I’m Sorry Boris

this song is almost definitely from a long ass time in the limbo.

“and im sorry / but, boris / im leaving / im not good for anyone here” boris represents L’Manburgians!! hes talking about how hes leaving the world by planning on killing himself. fuck.

“we reached the end of a decade” mans been dead for a decade. sheesh.

he then goes on to say that he cant believe hes leaving, he doesnt think he wants to leave them, but he thinks its whats best for them.

he talks about how they do all of these bullshit things before helping you and i know its in reference to london but for the sake of my sanity its about the presidency role and how it will fuck you up before bothering to help you not want to kill yourself.

should i do a separate post about how i visualized it/about how i thought about the song in paragraph form like a lowkey explanation? idk how to explain it but in this one i wanted to just cover some of the lyrics of the songs and my thoughts on them. i think c!wilbur wrote these in the limbo after he died. i know this is also shit and Not Good, but i really just needed to get my thoughts out before it killed me. i also didnt reread this. its probably repetitive and shit yk. i do Not Care. id also love to hear thoughts on this if yall want to. if you made it this far i love you please hydrate and eat today and youre so sexy ahaha

“and even though im finished / im not quite done with it” even though hes finishing his symphony by blowing it up, hes now realizing he wished he hadnt blown it up and that he hadnt killed himself. man.

#tw death #tw suicide #wilbur soot #ycgma #dream smp #tommyinnit #dream #c!wilbur #fuck i love this album

10 notes · View notes

divine-draws · 4 years

Text

okay i had a whole google doc that i wrote a buncha shit but imma try to CONDENSE it and make my ideas more clear bc there was some wishy washy in there. BUT dabihawks ice skating au bc im gay for that shit. all of it under the cut bc this shit is gunna get LONG. buckle in fuckers. ALSO FEEL FREE TO ASK ME ABOUT this i will be happy to answer shit :3c

SO fair warning before we begin. i know shit about ice sports. im like 1) not THAT educated nor have i legit participated though ive always wanted to and 2) this is just self indulgent so like if i dont get shit right or whatever dont come at me bro. im here to have FUN and live a bit vicariously. also as for location of all this shit i dont know and dont care and am american so my perspective on things are skewed. anyway cw: abuse mention

so dabi (touya) is a previous figure skater

he’s a figure skating prodigy

enji was a pro hockey player (id say figure skating but this man was BUILT like a brick shithouse idk man) has a lot of championships under his belt but doesnt even begin to touch the legacy of his one sided rival yagi toshinori

him and rei meet and marry at a young age. she like.. actually liked him then?? shit was kinda okay but things kinda.... got bad quick. the abuse etc was ... yeah. she ends up having dabi and fuyumi (they’re twins babeyy) at a young age too and kinda doesnt feel like she can get out of her horrible marriage

we wont dwell too much on the bad part of all of this though. anyway rei was a figure skater

p well known and known for her fucking GRACE god she moved so well on the ice.

she was so beautiful and spoke through her movements and enji loved that... and so as a hockey player and with a (now previous) figure skater wife he was like aight my kids WILL take up an ice sport and be the FUCKING BEST

dabi isnt made for hockey. enji tries to get him into it but it’s... nah... fuyumi isnt the best with figure skating. she’s good!! and her and dabi do some pair skating when they’re younger but it’s.. hm. dabi is the one with the clear talent here. (fuyumi is a beast on the ice when it comes to hockey though. will dominate. but she kinda... didnt really continue with it)

enji isnt PLEASED that his son isnt gunna be a hockey player but he still values figure skating and will fucking make sure he’s the BEST at it. and so the brutal training starts. he gets some good coaches and also takes up the coaching mantle

the thing is.. rei was amazing as a skater but her body just... wasnt really made for all of that??? and dabi unfortunately kinda inherited that. his body hates the impacts and such. he’s amazing at figure skating. he has a grace similar to his mothers but there’s something more fierce to him.

and honestly !!! he gets far!!

also natsuo comes around. he’s a bit too clumsy for either sport and resents the fact that him and fuyumi are neglected by their father. he also loves touya and gets so pissed seeing his brother so hurt

and shouto is born and this kid was made to be on the ice. he’s skating from the moment he can fucking stand on his own.

obvs enji’s attention is split but it’s mainly on touya who is winning championships and GOING places but it’s still not good enough

anyway idk how far he goes?? but it’s the biggest competition yet and on ice mid routine he lands wrong

one thing leads to the next and he’s pretty much medically retired from a young age. he can skate. he can still kinda preform but he cant do what he used to at ALL and he cant keep up with the brutal pace enji sets. there’s a lot of trying to push him still and it’s just.. not happening

for all it’s worth dabi is kinda glad he isnt doing it anymore. but he fears for his babies brother. shouto is a natural and while yes being a professional athlete of any sort is brutal on your body, his body is a lot more capable

but like touya before, shouto is pushed to his absolute limits. bleeding and injuries and puking his guts out from being pushed too far

there’s a lotta resentment but he still pushes through w skating.

(side note but there DEF is some todomido/tododeku w hockey player izuku who ends up being coached by THE yagi toshinori and who helps shouto out w making shit his own)

anyway so in the end dabi ends up working at a rink tho lol

it’s p much owned by shigarai and run by the lov (who in this au end up making their own little ragtag unofficial local hockey team p much and play games against other teams like them)

despite his father’s whole career, dabi does enjoy playing hockey with these dipshits

but yeah he enjoys his time working at the rink, fucking around and sleeping in random places and sometimes running the zamboni

he’s also best frenemies with shigaraki. they get along and both deal with a shitty upbringing and despite some slight animosity they both would kill if someone fucked w the other

(also at some point dabi DEF teaches some little kid classes lol)

also dabi does sometimes skate his own routines from time to time. only when he’s alone really. though fuyumi has a pass to be there though he will gripe still

SO HAWKS AM I RIGHT??

now there is a couple ways to go with this and somewhere in me there is an au with hockey player hawks who takes skating lessons from figure skater dabi BUT

i think for this au we’ll just say he was a figure skater from the get go

i think he WANTED to do hockey as a kid. like shouto he’s also a fucking natural and was skating as soon as he could fucking stand and walk. and he looked up to enji and kinda wanted to take up hockey but

listen,,, trans hawks. who wanted to be like todoroki enji and be a pro hockey player. shit just.. didnt work like that though and besides he’s a tiny dude and god he’d be fucking obliterated

he kinda is self taught and the ice is his escape from his shitty home life

idk how this works but listen gotta tie in the commission somehow???

he’s scouted or whatever for figure skating at a very young age and his mom is happy to take the heavy scholarships and happy to sign him over to skate for these ppl and have them push him to be The Best

and this kid is FAST. he’s fast and is insane with his jumps and stg it almost looks like he’s FLYING (which gets him the nickname hawks)

the coaches are brutal and shit sucks and a lot of the time it kinda sucks the life out of the sport but he still enjoys it

he has a love for outfits that legit have flare to them (also im thinking of johnny weir’s one outfit w the feathers but yknow instead of white they are RED) and while he does do routines to boring ass music he mainly likes doing shit different (also dabi was p much forced the whole time to do shit to that boring ass music but on his own he’d use his own music taste to skate to)

and he’s good!! he GOES places. he’s like makes it to the olympics at a young age and is one of THE youngest gold medalists for figure skating

im sure somewhere along the line him and dabi DID meet. it was at some competition and hawks was VIBRATING bc there’s ENJI and he wants and autograph and oH GOD IS THAT HIS SON??? he’s HOT. (and at this time dabi still had his red hair and like no piercings and what little ones he had they were out but this dumbass will not recognize him later on)

but god he needs to chill TF out or he will fuck up in the competition

he hears about dabi’s whole accident and like feels for him but again it’s not like they were friends. there was more of a slight rivalry and they barely spoke if they did

but so idk like.. between seasons hawks finds himself going like nearly every day to this rink.. aka shigaraki’s rink (also sidenote but lbr it’s really run by shirakumo who kinda has to fucking herd the cats w this group)

as frenemies dabi and shigaraki share their distaste for some of these pro athletes (tho some get a pass) and kinda complain about hawks a bit tho like..... shigaraki cant complain TOO much bc of the money from hawks renting out the rink for a few hours almost every day

dabi is too gay for this shit when he actually sees hawks in action. rip him

tbh they dont really interact tho (besides dabi telling him to gtfo the rink or he’ll run him over with the zamboni) until one day that hawks catches dabi skating

he was done and should have been gone but he forgot something on the bleachers and then he sees dabi and.. oh boy he’s GAY AF

and also dabi is RLLY GOOD???

and so hawks makes a FOOL of himself and startles the poor guy and p much presses all the wrong buttons w asking why he doesnt compete or something

and i mean im sure they had some SLIGHT progress w talking before. nothing significant but god the walls go RIGHT THE FUCK UP and dabi is pissed

tbh dabi was gunna get to the point where he LEGIT talked to him and maybe lowkey asked him out (he says this but shigaraki calls his bluff) and now there is no way. he storms off and tries to avoid him so hard

and hawks tries to corner him a bit but after some time he does manage to corner him and be like pls just let me take you out to dinner to make up for that shit????

aaand dabi accepts bc listen okay he cant say no to free food ??? like he’s kinda pissy w this guy but also.. listen he has EYES

anywayyy p much this just leads to them dating

hawks DEF looks him up and watches all the vids of him and like the idiot he is realizes that he met him before ( “oh my GOD i know you” “uh… we’re dating i hope u know me?????” “nO I MEAN WE MET AT (insert comp)”)

but before that dabi did like tell him some shit. mainly about like how he used to skate blah blah and the whole thing that ended all of that

he doesnt really delve too deep into like his shitty childhood until well later

idk what leads to it but the convo finally comes up and it’s so draining for dabi and hawks is horrified and ready to fight his dad (“listen i just sharpened my skates i’ll just-”)

anyway some side things bc this is long and i will answer questions on this tho

rumi is a women’s pro hockey player and fuyumi who actually follows hockey and shit has the BIGGEST crush on her (they end up together)

also natsuo comes to see one of the leagues games (he hasnt really seen them play tbh?? he hears about it from dabi but he lives like at least a few hours away on campus and is going for med school so rip him) and like he meets shigaraki and anyway dabi is losing his FUCKING MIND bc his best frenemy/boss and his younger brother are FLIRTING. RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM???

dabi and hawks are really gay together and have skated together by this point and made out on ice a few times and shigaraki was miserable and is like “NOW U KNOW!!” and dabi is pissed bc “yEAH BUT THAT”S MY LITTLE BROTHER??? IT”S NOt thE SAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

90 notes · View notes

nenastrology · 5 years

Note

you should rate the arcs. share your wisdom with us. (or rank them by craziness /wtf moments)

ok i think rating them is easier than ranking them i can add craziness as a category alright alright

ok this ended up being nightmarishly long so im just putting it all under the cut for anyone who feels like reading giant blocks of text on my opinions on every single naruto arc

land of waves - classic very good i genuinely wish there could have been more arcs like it to show team 7 really bonding and growing together before sasuke ends up feeling alienated its got a really sweet touching story and naruto and sasukes relationship starts off already at a pretty high level of crazy like oh yeah right out of the gate they are trying to die for each other this can only get crazier from here i would have probably liked it more if id read the manga first because the anime murders the pacing of the fights here but overall i do really like it

chuunin exams - i love lots of chunks of it but it did really feel like a slog to get through parts of the forest of death and a lot of the more minor fights because kishimotos really just not very good at writing fights that he doesnt put his absolute most effort into i really love how the anime added to the part where sasuke gets the curse mark and how naruto is separated from him its really emotional and strong sakura actually feels like shes trying to become a character here i love her fight with ino and cutting off her hair legendary and im not a monster gaara vs rock lee still makes me scream the craziness of this arc is actually finally not riding on sasuke being crazy finally gaaras carrying the craziness hello blood drinking 12 year old i hope you get better soon

konoha crush since i guess its a different arc - ok i actually really love all the weird political stuff kinda added in here the hints at some actually interesting village conflict i wish thats what the ninja war arc could have built from and orochimarus definitely the most comprehensible villain in the story and i love naruto vs gaara so much like thats really peak and tbh extremely satisfying to watch the shitty old bitch hokage kick the bucket like killing gaaras evil dad and hiruzen really was the best thing orochimarus done finally gaara has more help with craziness cuz narutos losing his mind too and sasukes getting some crazy seeds planted for later craziness harvest

search for tsunade - i feel like i really like this arc but when i actually read it im like hmm theres all these parts i dont like but i really love all the character stuff itachis introduction is iconic and i really do love tsunade and her fighting orochimaru was like highlight of everything its weird i dont have a lot to say but i do actually like this arc a lot in a way im like not sure why craziness is kinda low except for sasuke whos absolutely losing his entire mind which stresses me out so much and this is where i start getting extremely sad about sasuke

sasuke recovery mission - 80% of it is the absolute worst part of part 1 and 20% of it is the absolute best part of part 1 like this is really where all the warning signs of quality dropping and like kishimotos lack of skill writing fights really really starts to show like really all those fights do is kill the emotional thread running from the hospital fight, sasukes goodbye to sakura and sasuke and narutos fight which are like the best things hes ever written the craziness is turned up as high as it can get the emotional stakes and pain and love are also so high this is peak naruto if we just pretend the fights against the sound 4 never happened just skip them

kazekage rescue mission - this is where all the omens from sasuke recovery mission and the quality drop really like finally start meaning something because really this arc SHOULD be good and its like really really good in certain places like any time naruto and gaara are talking thats just love right there and all those moments really make it almost worth it except that kishimoto really took such a nose dive on understanding how to pace fights the parts that dont have gaara and naruto gazing tenderly at each other feel like pulling teeth like sasori vs sakura really should be absolute peak and its got some truly fantastic moments but it just goes on for so long i feel like im gonna die before sasori ever does that fight could have given us womens rights and the craziness is really high like naruto is just losing his mind about gaara and sakura killed a man with her bare fists

tenchi bridge - oh the love its palpable here and so is the craziness like naruto going to 4 tails because orochimaru just says a few things about sasuke like wow and their whole reunion is so good the passion and weird emotional issues all coming to the surface i love yamato here hes a fun guy and i really like the new team 7 dynamics they are fun i like lots of parts of it but i cant think of anything else to say its what it says on the tin emotional sauske and naruto reunion

akatsuki suppression mission - alright full disclosure i fucking love this arc this arc is the reason i sometimes throw my brain right out of my head and start talking about how much i love shikamaru i prefer all the emotional moments in the anime a lot it felt very rushed in the manga and like that whole episode of team ten processing their grief was so good but god im so so mad that only shikamaru got to have a big important fight like ino and choji should have been helping equally and i really really hate the fight with kakuzu its just more badly paced bullshit for kakashi and naruto to get to be super op when this was supposed to be a bonding moment for team ten this is a little crazy but its team 10 crazy not team 7 crazy which means they are still pretty normal well adjusted people with brains in their heads who are just having a moment

itachi pursuit mission - sasuke killing orochimaru really was so incredibly perfect and forming taka? this arc is about gay rights uum its really short so i dont have the most thoughts but yeah sasukes like maybe at his least crazy until the end of the story like hes got a real concrete plan find gay friends and kill his brother but hes really got a big storm coming

tale of jiraiya the gallant - i really do not like jiraiya all that much hes just boring and weird but i love the chunks of rain trio backstory we get they are really the last bit of complete villain characters we are gonna get very tragic idk the fight is like alright for this stage of naruto but it still lasts too long and pains powers still make no fucking sense and feel just too overpowered you know also zero crazy which is very disappointing all naruto arcs should have crazy

pain fight - ive got lots of conflicted feelings like the fights not very compelling at first because genuinely the pain bodies are just too strong its very weird and narutos got this big power up which is what it is i really love pain as a villain like hes literally right about everything hes saying but it has to be bizarrely undercut by just bonding awkwardly about jiraiya and yeah theres some very cool battle moments theres some good shit in there but long drawn out battles arent exactly my thing but naruto going 8 tails was still pretty fucking cool and god it was such a cop out that everyone came back to life at the end COWARD KISHIMOTO

kage summit - the one the only kage summit absolute peak craziness like sasuke trying to take down the entire world government thats absolutely iconic i love him for it so much narutos having his own melt down about sasuke sakuras decided she doesnt actually need a brain anymore and has also lost her whole fucking mind in the whirlwind of chaos like this arc feels like an anxiety attack at some points but god do i love it naruto and sasukes whole confrontation is absolutely peak ill bear the burden of your hatred and die with you?? the love the tragedy this is truly peak gay drama thats really like hes planning a lovers suicide and we are all just along for this crazy fucking ride love it

war arc - how did we go from kage summit to this like kage summit felt like it was maybe actually going somewhere but the quality drop is just like an elevator was cut and we are now all speeding to crash at rock bottom here what the fuck happened why was this written why is it literally 1/3 of all of naruto why has god abandoned us itachi and sasukes reunion was very good and needed i loved all the parts with hashirama and madara and really for one sweet moment it seemed like madara might just be a dumb sexy villain who just wrecks shit until all that spiraled down into garbage if i think about obito for too long i start to go crazy thats the real craziness of war arc is how fucking stupid it is and that is making everyone whos ever read or seen it go crazy right along with it

wiki is telling me the kaguya bit is its own arc so lets go with that - ok kaguya fight is pretty cool im into it to a certain extent her weird portal powers are fun i like that but thats really not what we are here for now are we no we are here for the conclusion to 15 years worth of crazy we are here for sasukes final massive lose his mind time and naruto to go right along with him the love and the tragedy but the hope it offers as well love was really invented by the second valley of the end fight and the anime said gay rights and made it the prettiest thing you will ever look at and also adding all the extra tender moments between them like this is it this is why you watch naruto you watch it all for this and god do we love it but wow the trying to be serious stuff about hokage really is so fucking stupid lets pretend that never happened

wow i really just typed that all out shout out to u 2 loyal fans who read all this shit i guess it was only a matter of time before i wrote something this long and stupid see i do actually like naruto i feel like i couldnt really hit the balance of complaining or praising so idk it might sound more positive or more negative than i actually am but there are really some good parts yes i watched the whole war arc no you shouldnt

17 notes · View notes

clumsyclifford · 3 years

Note

hello!! i am back and on desktop this time. the blog is just as pretty. alex + yellow = v v attractive jfc. this is a long one so buckle in.

to begin: i hope you have the most fun on your day road trip and sing your heart out to atl and taylor swift. i love driving long distances and idk just driving in general is fun. have the absolute best time MWAH

my birthday is in november!! november 23 to be specific. i share it with miley cyrus which is something i always found to be very cool when i was growing up and watching hannah montana. it also means i am a sagittarius and funny little fact i realized is that my best friend is a gemini. alex and jack are also a sagittarius and a gemini. from being 13 i know that tyler and josh from twenty one pilots are also a sagittarius and a gemini. something about sagittarius and gemini besties idk.

also yeah!! ao3 year in review!! it's a bit complicated to figure out at first and if you read a lot the finding pages thing can be pretty tedious, but it's def worth it once you figure it out. it gives you a lot of different stats about everything you read and it's pretty cool. now i am going to go look at your fics to remember my favs. you deserve the praise so i am willing to offer it. jeez you write a lot i respect the motivation sm. you write quite a bit of angst and i won't lie i try to stay away from angst so i haven't read your fics that seem super angst-y based on the tags. BUT there are still so many i recall reading and loving nonetheless. on a quick scroll-through: i usually don't read high school AUs but "paint me in trust (i'll be your best friend)" was super adorable and lovely. "thank god i'm yours" is one of my favs iirc. also i love love love "it's not always easy (but i'm here forever)" like yes please romanticize alex gaskarth i love it sm. "i won't be silent (and i won't let go)" and "i fell asleep in a city that doesn't" are both super fluffy and romantic and are favs of mine. in case you haven't picked up on it i adore very fluffy and romantic fics lmao. alright i am continuing to scroll and there are so many more i could list that i love but this section is getting quite long. just know if it's about a kitchen or hotel rooms being for lovers i probably read it and adored it and that pov is so valid.

waterparks!! will not lie i only really started listening to them about 6 months ago having been distantly aware of their existence for several years by being a fan of bands in the same genre. listen as long as you let yourself be vaguely annoyed by awsten is prevents you from being in love with him. follow him on any social media platform for like a day and you'll be sick of him typing in nothing but all caps within hours. simply do not romanticize him and you can keep yourself from falling!! so this is coming from a slightly fake parx fan, but some of my favs by them have been peach (lobotomy), crave, numb, fuzzy, violet!, you'd be paranoid too, and lowkey as hell. that is a very songs-from-their-most-recent-album-heavy rec, but whatever. i did give the disclaimer about being a fake parx fan.

yeah hayley does have 2 solo albums now!! petals for armor and flowers for vases / descansos. pfa is the one i didn't really like upon first listen but has grown on me. i haven't even listened to the second one in its entirety oops but we won't mention it. dead horse is good but simmer (pretty sure that was the other single??) just ain't it for me. the album has some lovely songs but it's just a hit or miss album all the way through. some favs of mine on it include pure love, taken, crystal clear, watch me while i bloom, and why we ever. it's sorta a storyline album about healing if that adds anything to it?? but anyways. i started listening to paramore around the time after laughter dropped and it grew to be one of my fav albums in existence. idle worship is probably one of my fav songs like ever. i def understand being slightly put off by bands with songs that make religious references (me with twenty one pilots' earlier music that makes a lot more religious references considering i'm not religious whatsoever) but i think i am blinded by being in love with hayley williams and just ignore it. idk that she's like super religious?? she's addressed believing in god and stuff a few times but she's def not the "rub it in your face" type and if she's making refs in music more recently then they're subtle enough i'm not noticing them. ik albums like brand new eyes had a lot more because it was shortly after that the band split and the songwriting process was essentially her and ex-bandmate co-songwriter arguing about their religious beliefs (turns out he ended up being super homophobic and transphobic all based on his religion so do with that what u will and thank the clown for leaving). i feel u on the "i meant to start listening to them" because that's essentially how i started listening to them. i told myself i was going to and then finally forced myself to do it. fuck falling for awsten knight what's more risky is falling in love with hayley </3

also yeah!! you've articulated my feelings towards tde. every song is so vastly different that it's hard to like it all. #1 fan is pretty decent though, and that's not just my bias about finding both ross and his gf hot and a cute couple and getting to see them together and ross half naked in a mirror in the video nope not at all. he's my fav himbo!! he has no personality!! no thoughts head empty!! i still love him and his strawberry-growing saga on twitter tho <3 the hazard of being in love with ross lynch since i was 12. girlfriend better be a fucking banger and there's quite a few already released singles in the tracklist so i have hope. i believe my show is in chicago on november 19 which is a thursday. kinda sucks since i intentionally bought the chicago tix nearly two years ago (the show was originally supposed to be april 25 2020. lol.) because the show was on a saturday and i have to drive 3 hours to get there. obviously i can't speak for them as tde but r5 shows always fucking slapped and i can vouch for them (realized i haven't seem them live since 2016?? 5 YEARS?? wtf) so if u genuinely like them. would recommend going to see them.

anyways. i have not listened to luke's solo album yet. i plan on it. this has gotten so long but i tried to respond in all areas and even organized it in different paragraphs this time (thanks being on desktop!!). hope you are well. hope you have a lovely day. hmm what's a little "going on in my life" fact. i got new glasses a few days ago and my eyes essentially said fuck off because adjusting to the new prescription has left me with eyes that hurt and occasionally slightly nauseous. here is to hoping my eyes get their shit together. mwah LOVE YOU TOO - the other bella/cubs anon/idk

okay hi hello. i have put this off because holy hell it's long but let's do it. i am putting a cut because this whole thing is long even without my answer

first: the road trip was super fun thank you!!! i am intrigued by this information regarding sags and geminis, we should do some scientific inquiry. enquiry. i don't know if there's a difference between those words.

aha! well i tried the ao3 year in review thing and i would say it had about 55% accuracy but still i agree it's fun to look back at that kind of stuff. and i feel you on the angst thing i go through phases of writing angst-heavy stuff and then writing very fluffy stuff and it is entirely based on my mental state buuuut i have lots of fluff and i'm glad you found it all and that you liked it yay <333 KITCHENS ARE FOR LOVERS i will die on that fuckin hill. hotel rooms as well but primarily kitchens.

dfgjhgdlfkhgdfmj honestly i dont use twitter enough that i would see his tweets enough that that would bother me also the fact that he tweets in all caps means that i just picture him yelling everything he tweets which i find absolutely hysterical so i don't think that would help. i have added these parx songs to my listen asap playlist and will get to them when i get a chance thank you i am excited also i already know lowkey as hell and it slaps super hard so im very much lookin forward to the rest of these. merci merci

YEAH simmer was the one i didnt vibe with. and honestly i feel zero compulsion to get into hayley williams as a solo artist. i just don't vibe enough to want to do that so i doubt i'll be listening to her anytime soon but maybe if i hear the songs in passing or get super bored one night, idk who can really say. but yeah christianity typically puts me off of music (speaking as a very jewish bitch) although there are notable exceptions in the cases of thomas rhett and the driver era. i'm just not attached to hayley enough to be like ehhh this doesnt matter. does that make sense

FAVORITE HIMBO PLEASE HGSDFGDFGKLFGJ i dont follow him on twitter but i have seen some interviews of ross and rocky and tbh they're great i love the way ross speaks like i like his speech mannerisms and i like his FACE and HAIR and. yeah. i think hes pretty. and i think he and 5sos SHOULD collab i think that would be sexy as hell. can you imagine that. oh my god can you imagine a ross lynch/luke hemmings collab. i'm not even really talking to you anymore bella because i know you haven't listened to luke yet and don't have a stake in it but if anyone else is reading this long ass answer. ross & luke collab. okay im going to move on and not think about that now. but i probably won't see tde unless i get a job this semester because i'm trying to stop spending so much money on big indulgent things like concerts likeee i was in a really good habit of not spending that much and then suddenly i got paid for one summer and i was just goin Crazy and i need to dial it back. plus i wanna see ajr and noah kahan equally bad so like. i have to make some calls about priorities here. it's Much to think about

good luck to your eyes i'm sure your new glasses are hella cute tho!!! LOVE YOUUUUUUU

0 notes

libraryofmegharoni · 3 years

Text

The Heart's Invisible Furies [John Boyne]

started: March 21, 2021 finished: March 24, 2021 rating: 5/5

review:

its now been 2 weeks since i finished The Heart's Invisible Furies and tbh i still dont have the words to describe it.

first of all i've apparently wanted to read this book for at least 3 years. after i got it i found it on a random list of books in my notes of books i wanted that i made couple years ago. i have absolutely no idea where i heard about it the first time. i actually dont remember where i heard of it or why i put it on my list a couple months ago but evidently i did.

this was one of the (many) books that i intentionally didn't read the synopsis of and didn't want to know anything about it before reading. i knew bits going into it. i had the general info that it was about a boy born in Ireland who was adopted, it's set during The Troubles, and its gay enough to have the 'LGBT' tag on goodreads.

after a day of reading it my only comment i wrote down was: i think i cried 6 times reading the first 100ish pages.

which honestly sums up my entire experience reading the entire book.

the novel is organized so that each section is every seven years. there's a total of 11 sections so it covers 77 years all about Cyril Avery's life. the first section is about his mother dealing with being an unwed 16 year old pregnant woman in mid-1940s Ireland. and let me say: the actions of most of the 'adults' are absolutely horrific. the first chapter is Cyril's mother, Catherine, being kicked out of her village at Sunday Mass. her entire family and the rest of the village are against her and back the priest who tells her she has like an hour to leave the village and never come back.

when she gets on a bus to Dublin, she meets Seán who is also escaping his village to Dublin. they arrive and are greeted by Seán's 'friend' Jack who reluctantly agrees to let Catherine stay with them until she can support herself. its pretty obvious that Seán and Jack are a little more than friends but Catherine doesnt think anything of it until the end of the section. before the end tho, we meet the only valid adult / person of a previous generation, Mrs. Hennessy. i absolutely loved that she makes an appearance the the following section and gets name dropped throughout the rest of the novel. this first section is where we learn her general backstory and god fucking damn it i was appalled. at this point its less than 50 pages into the book and i was nearly full on sobbing. and the tears dont let up from there either! right after finding out what Mrs. Hennessy has gone through, Catherine returns back to the apartment she shares with Seán and Jack and once again there's adult and parent who is absolutely horrendous. this is finally when Catherine learns that the two boys are actually in a relationship because, who we later learn is Seán's father, who Seán was escaping from when he left his village, forces himself into the apartment. within the next few minutes, there is a filicide , someone left on the brink of death, and a birth.

this is literally all 50 pages into a nearly 600 page book. it sets the tone for the rest of it and gives a solid understanding of the mindset of Ireland in this time.

7 years later, we finally meet Cyril as as not just the concept that is causing issues for Catherine. we're introduced to the couple that adopted Cyril, who are odd to say the least. they are the type of parents that didn't really want a child because they were ready but instead as a show piece. the Avery's also constantly remind Cyril (and others) that he is 'not a real Avery'. hmm i wonder if this will have an impact on Cyril's future relationships?????

his relationship with Julian Woodbead is one of the most important to Cyril's life. i think its talked about later in the novel how their friendship is built on a lie. from the start Cyril is obsessed with Julian and Julian doesnt acknowledge it really. the perception of their friendship is so biased since we are viewing the world from Cyril's point of view and how he is effected. because of this perceptive, its so hard to believe that Julian didn't know that Cyril was in love with him. but i think Julian was such a product of the environment his was raised in and living by the acceptable ideas of the time. from an early age one of his defining traits is essentially being a womanizer. its hard to tell how much of him is just for show and how different him, and Cyril, would be free of a society with such strict exceptions and definitions of right and wrong. was Julian truly completely straight? or was he lying to everyone and himself to fit in with society?

Cyril deals with his repression of being gay in such a detrimental way the entire time he lives in Ireland. he constantly lies to everyone in his life and forces himself to live a lie. his inability to confide in anyone leads him to getting engaged to, sleeping with, and ultimately marrying Julian's sister, Alice.

oh my god the lead up to the marriage ceremony and the events after hurt so many people and i didn't know who's side i was on for them. Cyril ends up in a relationship with Alice and somehow engaged to her. he almost breaks it off with her but every time he cant say the words. its heartbreaking thinking about Cyril was just so fearful to tell the truth to people who loved him.

its finally on the wedding day that Cyril confesses to Julian that he doesnt love Alice in any romantic way because he's gay and is actually in love with Julian. Cyril wants to Julian to allow him to not go forward with the marriage but with Alice's past (she had a previous fiance that left her at the alter) Julian tells Cyril that he's going to marry his sister and be a perfect husband to her.

Cyril does it. partially. he marries Alice then flees the entire country. coming from Cyril's point of view, i was relived that he was free from lying to everyone. but on the other side -- he just left everyone hurt and unhappy in the wake of his actions. its so easy to see how Cyril feels forced into his decisions but understanding how those decisions affect the people around him make it hard to support Cyril.

7 years later we meet the most important man in Cyril's life, Bastiaan. after leaving Ireland, Cyril ends up in Amsterdam, where it is so much more acceptable to be gay holy shit. he meets and starts dating Bastiaan there. Bastiaan helps Cyril unlearn a lot of what he was forced to live by and accept who he is as a person.

he also meets Jack who opened an Irish pub in Amsterdam with the name of Seán's last name. when i realized it was Jack from before and Jack named his pub after Seán made me weep like a fucking baby.

i could list all the times i started crying but i would end up crying all over again and have to add more to the list.

anyway in Amsterdam Cyril and Bastiaan acquire a foster son, Ignac, who just like everyone else in this novel, has a tragic past. after some events (another murder, this time the dick head is the one killed instead of the one doing the killing) and the three of them end up in New York.

they are in America during the beginning of the AIDS crisis and holy shit. yeah more balling. thats the main takeaway.

in New York, Cyril volunteers to talk to AIDS patients who are dying but have no family visiting them. one of the patients is Julian. once again i turn into a fucking baby. Julian reveals to Cyril that he has a son back in Ireland from the one time he slept with Alice. im gonna cry if i think about Julian and Cyril talking anymore i stg. but uhh Julian makes Cyril promise that he'd be the one to call Alice when he died and once Julian does pass, Cyril has every intention on doing just that. but before he can, him and Bastiaan are jumped by a group of thugs who end up seriously injuring Cyril and killing Bastiaan.

7 years later, Cyril is back in Ireland with Ignac. this time he is in Ireland as an openly gay man and is attempting to build a relationship with his son.

there's so much more that happens that i can't even convey. but holy fuck was it so god damn fucking good.

finally when Cyril is in his 60s he figures out that he is the son of Mrs. Goggins, who has never really left the story. Cyril and Julian run in to her when they are 14 in boarding school, Cyril runs into her multiple times when he works almost with her, the morning of his wedding at a cafe, and when he returns he works in the same building that she does. so throughout his life his birth mother was right there but neither of them knew it.

after 7 years, they go together back to the village that Catherine was born, raised, and kicked out of. its finally here where we learn the identity of Cyril's birth father (Catherine's aunt's husband).

bro i gotta be done now. like there's much more that i want to talk about regarding The Heart's Invisible Furies but i just cant think of them rn.

tl;dr - ballin like a baby the whole way through. also society sucks.pls read its worth it

#megharoni book log #megharoni 2021 reads #the heart's invisible furies #john boyne

1 note · View note

pulquedeguayaba · 3 years

Text

So basically here and twitter are the only places when I can vent out in the most filter less fashion possible. And truth is I don't fucking know what I want or am supposed to do (I mean supposedly I should fix my mental health but for that I need money which I don't have atm so it doesn't count, in my current circumstances it's a goal nor a mean).

I'm 28, in a fucking pandemic with a dismal cv because so far I've only had informal jobs and thus no formal experience I can be vouched with in case of looking for a job. Only formal places I've done are call-centers which are worth fuck all considering my degrees. Also work in academia requires contacts and networks which I dont have either. Is this all my fault? Absolutely, can it be fixed? Well yeah and am kind of planning to; it includes a lot of lying and being a hypocrite and full of shit. But I'd very much like a desk job? I don't mind tutoring but teaching in the current situation with no previous experience except from my social service that as ages ago and I didn't do much cos of the circumstances in which I did it and with who and eugh, terrifies me. And this is saying adults, teaching teenagers or children is out of the question. My experience with them in any sort of situation is null because around me there's rarely children or teens. I'm also not in the best place psychologically so me not being able to harness them for teachinf (which given the current teaching conditions is likely and most of them are loathing their current study situation anyway) means most likely me collapsing and starting to cry and yell it's very very likely so not the best idea. Also, worst than having no recs is having bad reviews on you right? Especially for something as lame as that.

Then it's that fucking phd project I'm struggling so much to finish because of course I wanna go to other country, I dont wanna study here but the more I see it--and again--the more i see my cv i just don't think I'll get anything also because is social sciences and humanities related so no one gives a shit abt that atm cos we're in a fucking pandemic so more useful stuff is mandatory. Also whenever I write a cv in english it always looks like shit so ofc it gets ignored and/or rejected.

Do I intent to look for other job options and rethinking? Yeah. But for some reason I feel and decided I can only do this once I'm finished with this phd draft and I hate it and yeah a part of it is self-sabotage and fear but I also I wamma be over it so life can properly explode on my face instead of this stupid edging that only gives me headaches and makes me sleep poorly.

What I would give for a dose of adderall atm.

These months have all been abt rethinking, karma coming to spit on my face and me wanting more punishment cos I don't think is enough. Idk I just wish someone (a man, I don't like the prospect or hit or being hit by a woman tbh) would beat the shit outta me and me being able to hit back some too, just to let out and have some sort of catharsis. So short term possibilities are there but there's also other plans like opening an OF for some extra hustle but that means me losing weight which isnt a problem but being here with my mum makes difficult the shooting stuff part, plus my laptop and camera or both friend and don't work so, again, money is one big issue here. Being sober these last months has been super helpful to ponder on the heaviness of this, which I'm grateful for but also makes me feel desperate and very very hopeless.

I am an utter failure in more than one way, it's in my power to change it but the consequences of those changes might not be what I've wanted for so long but then again I'm not so sure I want some of those things anymore. Me staying here is probably the only thing I'm sure I dont wanna keep on doing. I just don't, don't care, don't want, don't see the point. This place and its people dislike me and I dislike them back, forcing a relationship here is counterproductive.

And you can say yeah but you're still young, it doesnt have to be now and all that bs abt having your shit moreless together as a properly functioning adult before 30, but because of the economy (both at home and abroad), the rise of fascism and my real material possibilities my chances of getting out later become slimmer and slimmer probably nonexistent the more I wait. And what if that life was never for me? That's also more terrifying and frustrating because a lot of my hopes and who I have been since high school have lingered on that. And I don't want to grow bitter because of it; growing bitter and regretful for other things yeah cos it's part of being an adult, as long as it doesn't stain you completely. I already have my share of regrets ofc, but THIS I would hate everything and everyone so much starting with myself.

And I have to be and am grateful cos at the end of the day I still have my family support, we're all healthy and don'thave covid as of yet, I have a place to sleep and aren't pressuring me to get as job asap, I'm giving some English lessons to a friend atm so I have a meagre sort of income but it's not enough to get everything started and going, but even so the pressure weighs so heavily in me and I am and feel so alone.

It's a never ending circle and most of the time all I want is for it to end.

#personal

0 notes

toxicrawr7878 · 4 years

Text

DO IT FOR FUN :) PLUS IM BORED

1. Are looks important in a relationship? Yes because if your not attracted to this person you wont want to have sex with them or anything like that.

2. Are relationships ever worth it? Depends who your with

3. Are you a virgin? No

4. Are you in a relationship? No

5. Are you in love? Yes

6. Are you single this year? Yes

7. Can you commit to one person? Yes

8. Describe your crush. Super sweet heart, he has his life going for him, he has a huge heart, attractive af, beautiful blue eyes, this can actually go on for paragraphs tho lol

9. Describe your perfect mate my crush is my perfect mate

10. Do you believe in love at first sight? Yes

11. Do you ever want to get married? Yea

12. Do you forgive betrayal? No

13. Do you get jealous easily? Yes

14. Do you have a crush on anyone? Yes

15. Do you have any piercings? Yes 4

16. Do you have any tattoos? Yep 14

17. Do you like kissing in public? Yes

20. Do you shower every day? Yes

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you? I hope he does

22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? I dont know I guess

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? Yea I lasted 3 years with a asshole got fed up but yes i can last long term

24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? I hope so

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year? No I'm not ready

26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? Yes

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you? No

28. Have you ever been cheated on? Yes

29. Have you ever cheated on someone? Yea regret it ever since tho never did it again

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body? Yes and everything

31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl? Yea

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love? Yea

33. Have you ever had sex with a man? Yes

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman? Yes

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you? Yea

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends? Yea

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated? Yep

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? Yea

39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have? Yep

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone? Yea

41. Have you had sex so far this year? Yes

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander? Like 5 min maybe

43. How long was your longest relationship? 3 years

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? Serious ones would be 5

45. How many people did you kiss in 2012/2013? 5 or 6 maybe

46. How many times did you have sex last year? Maybe like 10 times with the same person ex fience

47. How old are you? 23 gonna be 24 this year

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? I don't even want to think of this but if it comes to it I would probably just say I knew this would happen or soemthing in that sence

49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her? I have a fbw who I'm in love with and he has feeling for me but it's not the right time but I would say his eyes physically and his general personality

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept? No

51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for? Yes

52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why? Yes my ex fience because he was a lazy good for nothing peace of shit he leeched off me and stole money from me for drugs and ugh just so much sooooo much bullshit that I want dealing with anymore

53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are? My ex fience lol

54. Is there someone you will never forget? Yes

55. Share a relationship story. 1 of my exs used me to loos his virginity broke up with me 2 weeks after and a few year down the line he turned gay 🤷‍♀️😂

56. State 8 facts about your body, I'm chubby, have no tits, no ass, stretch Mark's, acne, thin hair, brown eyes dull ass coler, big ears

57. Things you want to say to an ex, fuck you, you lying good for nothing lazy ass stealing drug addict alcoholic prick with a tiny ass dick you cant please me for shit I dealt with your ass for 3 years and no more will I take your shit bye felicia

58. What are five ways to win your heart? The little things, clingyness, loves to cuddle me, shows appreciation, hypes me up, communicates alot with me alot if stuff can tbh

59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)

60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners? 4 or 5 years

61. What is the first thing you notice in someone? Eyes and smile

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you? Throw me against the wall pull my hair or choke me or both and show me and tell me who daddy is :p

63. What is your definition of “having sex”? Connection

64. What is your definition of cheating? Hurtful

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine? Start with making out a but kiss down my neck maybe nibble and bite a bit and then kiss down my collar bone down my body slowly breathing kissing nibbling biting while your hands are roaming around and playing with my boobs and nipples then you get to my thigh and nibble and kiss there for a little bit lingering closer and closer teasing me focusing on my whole body get me worked up then start eating me out and fingering me finish me off then we fuck until I cum again

66. What is your favourite roleplay? Cop role play is super hot

67. What is your idea of the perfect date? Picknik on a beach

68. What is your sexual orientation? Bisexual

69. What turns you off? Feet

70. What turns you on? Dirty talking nipple play neck kissing thigh touching

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream? Never had a kinky dream

72. What words do you like to hear during sex? You like that baby, cum all over my dick baby or mouch or fingers, your so wet for me, my cocks so hard for you

73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you? Bring me flowers and chocolate or write me a song or poem cute long love texts

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for? Idk tbh

75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you? Flowers

76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone? Took my ex out to a nice dinner and movie and arcade in one night and wrote him a poem on our 1 year anniversary

77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships? Well depends if your of age it doesnt matter but if your underage dating someone way older that's wrong

78. What’s your dirtiest secret? Hmmm idk I did a bunch of stuff and I'm pretty honest but I would say I'm a major submissive I like to be dominated and tied up

79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why? Recently and because I'm super insecure and my man now he calls girls hot so I get jealous

80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them? Yesterday

81. Who are five people you find attractive? My man, mr gray from 50 shades of gray, man idk most men with abs and tattoos and pearcings, emo, scene, heavy metal guys uhm idk lol

82. Who is the last person you hugged? My man

83. Who was your first kiss with? One of my friends sarah back in my grade 5

84. Why did your last relationship fail? He was a stealing peace of lazy lying shit

85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet? Yea

0 notes

shiny-craboo-blog · 7 years

Text

@rockformed replied to your post : i keep goin away for a long time but theres a good...

what asshole?? 👀👀👀👀👀

WHOOO lemme tell you this is a long one (sorry about any spelling errors i was tryna get this done quickly)

it was actually that guy that we played overwatch with together once.

ive known him since about december, but he was saying lots of homophobic and racist shit, so i was like eh might as well try to make him a better person, but to do that, you gotta get close, and i started liking him (literally @ past me why?????)

so i flirt a little here, giggle a little there, and he falls in love with me. i liked him too, but he liked me to a point where it was obsessive. he was telling me i saved his life and that out of everyone on earth im his favorite. i come out to him as trans one day, and after a lot of thinking, he was like “okay yeah im okay with this” and i was happy

however, like i said, he was really obsessive. he wouldnt let me play games with anyone else unless he was there, and when i tried to watch a show with one of our mutual friends, he gets all upset about it.

eventally, even though he liked me, he started being a real ass. i told him that i didnt really like him anymore and that i wanted to stay friends, and he turned it into this huge fight and ended it with “Forget it... Good night.” - and he used that phrase every (and “goodbye”) every time he wanted a conversation to sound final or like he was going to die if i didnt give him all my attention right then and there.

the fighting continued for a few months, during which he called me a sociopath, narcissistic, not worthy off being called a human being, and all that typa stuff. he started feeling suicidal - even though he felt that way before i met him, he started feeling it stronger because he didnt have me constantly fawning over him to ease it out - and he straight up told me that he blamed me for his feelings.

the fights got reaaalllll bad, and eventually he had a set day and time, and every time i said i was going to call his mom about it, he got really defensive and acted like i was attacking him, saying “dont test me” and shit

he became really emotionally manipulative and just flat out malicious tbh

the day came around and i blocked him because i didnt want to hear about it, and he started yet another fight. he didnt do anything though because half an hour later he came crawling back saying that he needed someone to talk to and that he had this whole change of heart and that he realized what his friends were worth and how he acted really shitty and that he was sorry

but he didnt change his behavior at all lmao

he kept arguing with me, so i started just. not joining as much and not talking to him as often and he got really pissy, asking me if i was talking to other people and accusing me of talking with this guy who he hates (the guy he hates left to make another server with all the people this guy was an asshole to so they could have a place where he wasnt there being a dick and the guy im telling you about acts like the victim whenever he talks about it like?? literally if u were a better friend they wouldnt have felt the need to?) (and i totally was talking to the guy bc the enemy of your enemy is your friend and all that) but he was a real ass about it.

and saturday!! this saturday!!! he was an ass the moment i joined the call so i left and he got mad saying like “you know how i get upset when you leave the call” and i was like “i just??? dont wanna be there if ur gonna be mean to me the moment i join??” and he said

THIS BITCH

said

“its a guy thing to be mean to your friends. but i guess you wouldn’t know about that ;)”

so i blocked him. he texts me saying that hes been mean because his dads been on his back about college, and i said it wasnt an excuse. a few minutes later, someone from the server messages me sayin that nick said if i dont unblock him hes gonna ban me. so i unblocked him and asked for a reason why i should stay. this bitch. this ass. says “because i thought we were friends” LIKE BIIIIIIITCH PLEAAAAAAASE YOU KNOW DAMN WELL WE AINT

anyway we fought for 3 hours and rather than giving me any good reasons to stay he called me stupid and said i misinterpreted the message like?? how else am i supposed to interpret it????????

so im staying, making him fall in love with me again, then leaving.

bonus: i made a list of the highlights of some of the shit things hes said to me

"Forget it... good night." "i used to trust everyone then the thing happened with my cousin so i stopped sharing myself or exposing myself. then i did over the years with kii then she backstabbed me. then ness and it happened again. i didnt trust anyone and still wasnt ok with sharing myself. then u stepped in and made me feel happy and wanted and like i could trust people. then you said you loved me like you did. i opened up and pursued and got lead on for 15 hours a day for a month up until i got enough courage to try to stand and speak open heartedly and with courage and the next day you lose all interest." "you know what? you obviously dont like me anymore. im over it you win. im done chasing. the goalposts always change. its over." "i cant stop chasing you. you are literally my favorite person on earth." "im doing this once a day from now on. wanna go out" "1 reason i got on ow. *1 reason i got on ow off my psych. guess it doesnt matter to you." “For the record the reason im mad all the time is because im fucking pissed at you but cant take it out for some reason.” “reason im so shit ight now is caught i thought i was at rock bottom and you took me up the mountain just to fling me off. forget it. good night." "youre still online. just gonna pretend im not here?" "hope this doesnt wake you up but sorry for being a cunt." "i still want to die haha. life sucks" "im sorry." me: you purposely did something to make me mad and then get upset when i get mad "im hald zoned in rn im getting killed by bad vibes but im not gonna make you mad ever again." "why did you fool me. i fight with you a lot now and its because of what you did to me and how ive lost my sense of self and all emotions because of you. but then i remember this is just how i usually am and being happy is what people are supposed to be like and im not so this is normal and only my fault so. i forgot where i was going with this but take care friend." "if it was the concept thing then why do i still love you." "i get upset because i have to actively avoid falling for you." "im only angry and mean to you because i dont understand my emotions." "im gonna kill myself saturday at 7:32 pm" (<<<this was two weeks ago hes fine now) "im not gonna do it i just want attention" "to keep it 100 i just said that so you wouldnt call anyone." "dont test me" "eat shit" "if youre trying to make me unfriend you its working" "actual human beings dont pull that bullshit. they suck it up and stick to their word or break the news to the other and dont drag them along." me: every humans a human regardless of whether or not they feel "theyre a human. not an actual human. theyre a human but not worthy of being called one." "in 3 months you managed to fuck with my emotions and make me want to kill myself more than kii did in 3 years." "i think this is the last conversation were gonna have. if you got anything important to say speak now or forever hold your peace. alright youre in overwatch and missed your chance." "have fun with your game hope its worth losing me over."

me: im going to call your mom and tell her right now "and say what? 'im a bad friend and now nick wont talk to me?'"

me: no. 'nicks planning on killing himself.' "and ill just say its someone im amd at trying to get revenge on me" "im not convinced that its not a whole thing made specifically to drive me to suicide." "in queue rather than fixing problems. typical. goodbye, asshole." "what if by trying to stop the outcome u saw you just pushed me away from one of the only people i trusted and now im on a path that ends in my inevitable self destruction." "no thats the depression but i am saying u took away what made me happy." "forget it, ill catch you later. apparently no goodbyes either lol." "bye oats." "the only thing you will ever love besides yourself is overwatch. bye." "are you there i just got back and i really need someone." "beause youre the middle man i guess and it was a test of allegiance i think in my mind." "idk i just feel like not many people actually like me deep down and its a shit thing of me to put that on others." "hows ness doing" "because im done walking on eggshells for you, snowflake. "its a guy thing to be a dick to your friends. guess u wouldnt understand ;)" "sorry for being a jerk. dad has been riding me all week and im mad all the time." "maybe you would get it if your dad ever punched you or woke you up by throwing shit at you." (i know for a fact his dad doesnt do this. there was a whole week where we were in a call 24/7 to see how long we could get one to last and his dad brings him dinner and plays xbox in the same room sometimes. i get that from an outside perspective this may seem mean to overlook, but if you knew this guy, you wouldnt put it past him to lie about shit like this just for attention.) "youre being such a baby over this. its not a big deal, its an argument." "considering you didnt write it id consider it awful stupid of you to think you can interpret it better than the author." "you dont know me"

#babbbles #just like #fuck that guy?#legit thinkin about ruinin his entire life. telling future employers hes racist and stuff.

3 notes · View notes

intriguing-catastrophe · 6 years

Note

1-85 (;

I hate you lmao. 1. Are looks important in a relationship? No

2. Are relationships ever worth it? Yes

3. Are you a virgin? Nope

4. Are you in a relationship? Nope

5. Are you in love? Unfortunetely i am.

6. Are you single this year? I guess

7. Can you commit to one person? Yes.

8. Describe your crush. He’s got dark hair, and the most amazing smile ive ever seen in my entire life. And his lips are so nice. His eyes make me drift away every time i see them.

9. Describe your perfect mate. Honestly i cant

10. Do you believe in love at first sight? Sometimes.

11. Do you ever want to get married? Yeah eventually

12. Do you forgive betrayal? Rarely

13. Do you get jealous easily? Yes and its a huge problem

14. Do you have a crush on anyone? Well duh

15. Do you have any piercings? Yes, i have my ears, bellybutton, and conch.

16. Do you have any tattoos? Yeah one on my left wrist.

17. Do you like kissing in public? Actually yes

20. Do you shower every day? Just about.

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you? Idk anymore

22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? No

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? Yes.

24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? Probably not.

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year? Yeah maybe

26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? Yeah but he didnt mean it

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you? Yes

28. Have you ever been cheated on? All the time

29. Have you ever cheated on someone? Onceand ill never do it again.

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body? Yes, my lips, and my weight.

31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl? Both

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love? Uhhh

33. Have you ever had sex with a man? Yeah

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman? Almost, half way ;)

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you? Yes

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends? Yes :/

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated? Yeah

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? Yes absolutely

39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have? I do right now.

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone? Yeah

41. Have you had sex so far this year? Yeah

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander? Well i always like to be touching the othet person

43. How long was your longest relationship? 9 months

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? A lot tbh for guys, ive dated 3 girls.

45. How many people did you kiss in 2011? Fuck if i know lol.

46. How many times did you have sex last year? Like 2

47. How old are you? Nunya

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? To go for it

49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her? Dont

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?Hell no 51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for? Yeah..

52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?Yeah because they broke me badly 53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are? No

54. Is there someone you will never forget? Yes. My best mate.

55. Share a relationship story. I loved him, he loved me, boom lost virginity, boom he cheated. Good story.

56. State 8 facts about your body. I have a birthmark on the back of my head. I have long legs. I have small ears. I have stretch marks. My left boob is bigger than my right. I have an innie belly button. I have two scars on my right hand from curling my hair and burning myself. I have blue eyes.

57. Things you want to say to an ex. Fuck you.

58. What are five ways to win your heart? Being funny, loving all of me, panda express, being comfortable with me, and being you.

59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)Lol look at my profile pic im lazy. 60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners? Uhhh damn this gonna be weird. But like 8 years. Oops. Age doesn’t always matter to me.

61. What is the first thing you notice in someone? Their eyes.

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you? Rent a hotel room, put red and pink rose petals all over the bed, light some candles, blindfold me and ;) boom. Cliche i know.

63. What is your definition of “having sex”?Well kids, its when a dick goes in a vagina or a mouth or for females, it involes some tongue action 64. What is your definition of cheating? Anything to do with another person someone likes really. Even saying they are cute.

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine? Tbh idek

66. What is your favourite roleplay? Uhh idk im lame

67. What is your idea of the perfect date? Honestly i dont even need money spent on me. Just relaxing at home cuddling watching scary movies and eating popcorn is amazing

68. What is your sexual orientation? Well, i go by bisexual but really pansexual i just hate explaining it all the time.

69. What turns you off? When someone is bragging about their self

70. What turns you on? Neck kisses, lip biting, spanking.

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream? I dont remember

72. What words do you like to hear during sex? “Fuck you’re tight” “damn babygirl” those are my fav ;)

73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you? Just to genuinely care about me

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for? Idk

75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you? Bought me some art stuff and flowers

76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone? I gave them all my money so they could buy something for someone they cared about

77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships? It doesnt matter too much but there is a limit. A 15 year old should not be dating a 30 year old.

78. What’s your dirtiest secret? If i told you i would have to kill you

79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why? Today, i cant have who she has.

80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them? Today.

81. Who are five people you find attractive? Uh im gonna do people i actually know. Cale, simon, dan, nicole, jaden.

82. Who is the last person you hugged? My mom

83. Who was your first kiss with? My ex when i was like 14

84. Why did your last relationship fail? He completely ignored me and ghosted me.

85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet? I have and still would.

I really sucked at this

1 note · View note