#it worries me. like. is this depression even though i am very happy and motivated every day (its not
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Pick A Card Reading: Your Soulmate's Letter To Santa About You 💌
PILE 1
Dear Santa,
I want to thank you for my gift from last year, lol. She is amazing.
She makes me happy and puts a smile on my face. Sometimes I smile so hard my cheeks burn.
I've never felt happier in my life.
The way she talks, the way she moves, the way her eyes brighten up when she looks at a puppy or a piece of chocolate pie, they all drive me wild.
I want to be there for her, this Christmas and every other Christmas after this one. I want to buy her a house as a gift and a ring to go with it, maybe even a car? She doesn't like to drive that much but my baby has to have everything she wants.
What she wants she will get. I love her. I adore her. She owns my heart and soul. I'm proudly whipped.
Thank you Santa, I'll take care of her heart ❤️
~ Your soulmate is a provider. They must be a "golden retriever" type of person. I'm hearing "here comes the boy!". When you first meet them you won't expect to fall so hard for them. They have a compatible sense of humour with you.
PILE 2
Hey Santa Baby,
Am I in the naughty list? Great!
This year I put up with no bs and I said "bye" to everything that held me back. I let go of the old stories and left the world behind.
Well, not the whole world, because I met that special someone and they are amazing. I'm writing down my goals for next year and I want one of them to be to deepen my relationship with my soulmate.
I know that they are special, I'm not crazy! I consciously make the choice to commit to them. I feel like we are twin flames and can not wait to explore they way their mind works.
I want to help them unlock their potential. They are a force to be reckoned with and they don't even know it.
Bye, for now!
~ Your FS (yup, they are) is someone who could very well be a motivational speaker or a content creator in that space. They love doing challenges like 75 hard and lighting up other people's fire. They could also be an athlete or ex athlete. You will love this person's practical nature and approach in life. This person is also very spiritual and they probably have heard of Ayahuasca and other popular terms etc. They remind me of a Tech Founder in silicon valley who is I'm woowoo stuff (no worries, I'm the woo woo stuff).
PILE 3
Santa,
I'm ready to move on from this year. My faith is stronger than ever before.
I've wished for so many things in the last few years. Many of them manifested into my life but one thing still hasn't showed up yet and I'm very bumped because of that.
Don't get me wrong. I'm grateful for the life I live and lead. I have almost everything I've wished for but that almost is killing me.
I know she is out there. I've felt her energy before. Since I was a child, whenever I looked up to the stars, I felt this overwhelming connection with someone. This invisible string tagging at my heart at all times. No one has ever made me feel this way and I know that it is unfair to say that for my previous partners but I miss her. I miss someone I've never met. Can you please bring her to me this year? I don't want anything else but my love to come back to me in this lifetime.
I know that the time to meet her is coming. I can feel it, but make it as fast as you can. Please.
I have a lot of goals for the year, especially financial ones. I'll try to focus on them until she comes. Where is she? Where is my love?
I will know she is here when I lay my eyes on her. My heart will speed up and the world as I know it will shutter. Shutter my world darling. I don't care. I made that world by myself and it is time we build our own world together.
P.S. Send loving energy to my soulmate, they need it. Tell them I will buy them their gift myself next year, but for now... This, sadly, has to do.
~ Awww your soulmate is very sweet and... depressed! They don't show it to anyone though but when they are alone at night they drink a glass of wine and think about you. They would want you to be there.
This person is very, stoic and "protected". That give me "military" vibes even if they have nothing to do with the military. This inability to outwardly express their feelings. You will baby them a lot and it is going to look comical but they will love it. Your FS might be older and taller than you and people will laugh when they see how much of a baby they become around your presence. They are very tired of being lonely. Don't get me wrong, this is not someone mopping around, they are just a "closeted" romantic. They hide their true feelings and you will know they love you because they will do acts of service for you or you will catch micro expressions. As soon as you enter in an official relationship they won't be able to keep their hands away from you.
#astrology#tarot reading#tarot#pick a card#pick a pile#pac reading#pick a photo#pick a picture#soulmate#intuitive messages#intuitive readings#pac#psychic#tarotblr#channeled message
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Hey! Fun question, how do you think an in-canon kabumisu confession would go? People keep portraying mithrun as blunt and straightforward about their relationship, but would he be scared to tell kabru in the chance that he'd say no and leave? Is the desire to just be in a relationship with kabru, or is the desire of not wanting to scare him off greater than that? I'm so starved on the lack of post-canon kabumisu content, they make me go crazy
As usual, I'll try not to go into TOO much detail because then I won't be motivated to write fic about it... and I AM planning to write a post-canon Kabumisu fic anon, so don't worry. I'll get there eventually :3
They make me go crazy too 😔
I think Mithrun's a complicated guy with complicated emotions. Even when he was "empty" in the dungeon he actually showed a lot of feelings - smug satisfaction, annoyance, anger, even a little bit of subtle happiness.
So while I DO think he will still be blunt in general, I also think it's a mistake to assume that means he doesn't feel things and won't have anxieties and insecurities just like any other person.
Mithrun used to be WILDLY insecure, and jealous, and paranoid. He just stopped caring about anything, but if, like the end of the manga suggests, he is going to try to START caring again, he will then start to have feelings, too.
I think Mithrun is intensely aware of his own "undesirability", that's one of the reasons he's BEEN so depressed. Most of his self-worth before the dungeon hinged on being "better" than his brother, and better than other people. Then he looses that (or maybe he was never actually better at all!), so what does he have left?
And now his youth is gone too, he's middle-aged and lost his "best years" to depression. He's disabled, he's scarred, he's a bastard that nobody wants.
It's a pretty huge fall from "most eligible bachelor in the empire"!
So I think no, he won't just bluntly tell Kabru that he likes him. It will take Mithrun awhile to realize how he feels, and once he does, he'll be afraid to reach out, so he's going to do what I call "playing silly little elf games". He's going to try and flirt via writing letters and sending gifts, to hint that he likes Kabru.
Luckily for Mithrun, Kabru also knows how to play Silly Little Elf Games (he's an Olympic champion), so he picks up the signals and starts reciprocating, though he's also uncertain and worried that he's misunderstanding. Captain Mithrun couldn't be flirting with him, could he? But... what if he is?
(I will go into Kabru's feelings at a later date anon i promise.)
I think the thing that will ultimately push Mithrun to act is the fear that he'll miss his chance. Mithrun realizes Kabru is a limited time deal that he can only enjoy for the next 60-something years, and he wants every minute of that time for himself, no matter how much it will someday hurt to lose Kabru.
And he also knows that Kabru is very handsome and charming, and he can't expect Kabru to wait for Mithrun to get himself figured out. Someone else will swoop in and snatch that man up, so Mithrun has to hurry.
ALL OF THAT SAID... I think their confession is a lot less of a confession, and much more "we have both been picking up these signals of interest for months/years, and finally one of us pushes it a little bit further than we've ever pushed it before and we acknowledge the unspoken thing that has been growing between us."
Maybe it's a hand resting on someone's leg, or a gentle touch on the arm. Maybe it's leaning in so their shoulders touch. Maybe it's looking into each other's eyes a little bit longer than normal.
Probably it involves both of them admitting "Spending time with you makes me happier than anything else in the world. Whenever we're apart all I think about is when I'm going to see you again. I spend hours composing letters to you in my mind. I want us to spend our days together, no matter what shape that takes."
It's very vulnerable and scary for both of them, and I think they're both DEEPLY relieved after they finally get it out, and they don't get rejected. They know each other so well, and they're so good at reading people - they both thought that the other might feel the same way, but it's so scary to take that leap of faith and hope that they're right.
And just for the record, I think that Kabru worries about if Mithrun will be interested in sex or not, because sex is something that matters to Kabru, but what if Mithrun just doesn't have any desire for it?
And so before they get into a relationship Kabru has a long hard think about it, and decides that even if they never have sex, he wants to be in a romantic relationship with Mithrun anyway, because just being around him makes him feel happy, and understood, and like he isn't alone anymore. There's someone who sees him as he is, all the good and the bad, and says "I love you anyway."
And Kabru decides that he's willing to just jerk off for the rest of his life if that's the price of this relationship that he wants.
Luckily for Kabru, I think Mithrun does want to have sex with him, but I like to think that Kabru thinks through all the possibilities and decides that no matter what they end up doing together, being with Mithrun is worth it.
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How do you stay as motivated as you usually are? I... I'll be honest and I'm sorry for sounding so personal, but I've been going through some rough times, I can't even pick up a pencil to draw, and I've been feeling so unenergetic... Which sucks, I want to become as great as you, as I really do!!
I'm crazy /hj
I'm just very passionate about my characters and work!! It's no exaggeration when I say I am thinking about them every second of every day. I mean it with my whole chest, I am always thinking about them. They make me happy and so I'm always happy when I get to do stuff with them!!
HOWEVER!! That doesn't mean I'm immune to burnout either! I don't know you or what you're going through--maybe it's burnout, maybe it's a depressive episode, maybe it's something else entirely! etc--but when I'm feeling in a rut (which I actually have been this week, I'd say!), there's some things I like to try and do to make myself feel better. I don't know if they'll work for you, but it's worth a shot!
-Take dedicated breaks. Not just like, a 15 minute break. Like a whole day or 2 or even longer break. Of course if you have responsibilities like school and/or work you might not be able to take a break from those, but take a break from your creative endeavors for a bit. Play a videogame, watch a tv show or movie or video you want to/like, go outside if you're able to even if just to sit in the sun or listen to music! (Though it's winter in the nothern hemisphere, so maybe just dance around to music in your kitchen or something haha!) I often find that once I've been able to actually let myself have fun in other ways, I then want to come back to doing all my creative stuff and I feel more energetic about it!
-Be creative in other ways! Try to branch outside your normal mediums. If you draw a lot digitally, make something traditionally! If you usually illustrate, try playing with something like clay or strings or building blocks! Cut apart magazines and try to make collages! Of course, this isn't always accessible to everyone, especially if you need to spend money to buy some of this stuff. But even if it's as simple as filling a notebook page with doodles, it's still worth doing! The MOST important part of this though is to do it for yourself--do not worry about how the end result will come out, do not worry about sharing it to other people. You can later on if you want to, but you need to go into it knowing that your goal is to HAVE FUN! not to make a successful or consumable product.
-Draw what you want to draw. It's not secret that my most popular games are games like INMIMB and Crowscare. I could probably be attracting a lot more attention on that stuff if I drew those characters more. But Mary and Reggie are my favorite subjects to draw, so that's what I draw! And when I do that, it makes art feel like not-a-chore, but something to be enjoyed! When making my games, I have to make a lot of art for them too! Sometimes I can choose between getting a new cutscene image done, or drawing an idea I just really want to draw. And sometimes choosing the latter is rewarding because I had fun drawing it and then I can come back to the cutscene image satisfied! Draw the things you like and it will help remind you why art is so fun!
Hope this isn't too long of a read! Keep your head up, champ! Just because you're not where you wanna be now doesn't mean you'll never get there! I believe in you, but most importantly believe in yourself!
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Dear A Rough Sketch...
A love letter to fan fiction. To the story that got me to where I am today, and to the people who I truly owe everything to.
I was catching up with a friend of mine this evening, someone who has loved and supported the story of A Rough Sketch, when it dawned on me that I’d neglected to ever really go into detail about why this story meant so much to me, and what my motivations were for writing it. I realised that for someone who supported me so much, I’d never shared with more than three people the emotional drive behind this story. So, here we are.
It’s early 2023, and after a winter off work due to my job then being seasonal, I went back to set up for the new season. In myself I felt happy, and I was excited to be going back to work full time after time off over Christmas. I’d missed my work friends, and was starting to run out of things to do at home to occupy my time.
The date is the 11th of February, 2023. There’s an event on at work which introduces the new staff members of the season to the existing team, as well as give everyone a low down of the changes that have been made since the end of the last season in November, 2022. It’s a lovely day, but after a week working flat out doing really physically demanding tasks, I’m exhausted. Still, I show my face, and I mingle.
Then, I got sick. Really sick.
What started as just the flu turned into a violent chest infection, and by the time the new season began on February 17th, I was suffering. As an asthmatic, the infection floored me. In a bid to get my part of the business up and ready for opening day, I had overworked myself too hard, and I never gave myself enough time to rest. I couldn’t afford to be off, and as there weren’t enough people on site yet, nobody was worried about them getting ill from me. So, I kept going.
A week after we opened, my chest had still never gotten better. By now I had torn through muscles, tendons, and ligaments in my ribs from the force in which I was coughing. I was very close to a hairline fracture getting worse, too. I’d pushed my body to its absolute limit, and I couldn’t carry on. The day my voice gave out, leaving me completely mute for two days, was my breaking point.
I got signed off sick from work less than two weeks after we opened for the new season. Ordered to be on bed rest, I fell very quickly into a depressive cycle, hating the fact that having just gone back to work I was now looking at being off, again. The only thing that made me smile was that I’d recently gone back to A03 to read fanfiction, and I thought ‘well, at least now I can catch up on my reading!’.
But after two days of reading, it wasn’t enough. I wanted to write again. I’d written for A03 about four years ago, at the time, but since the end of 2018 I put down my keyboard one day and never really thought about it. But after reading more Kingsman fanfiction than I care to mention, I picked my keyboard back up again, my own ideas brewing by this point.
Within a few days I’d released a 16,000 word fic, and a week later on March 7th there was already a part two. The writing bug bit me, but as I sat down to write part three there were already ideas whirring in my mind for things outside of Kingsman. By the time March was over I already had 3 Kingsman fics under my belt, and one for Narcos.
As I was writing more, I began branching out with what I read. I stumbled across a few Pedro fics, and I really enjoyed a lot of them. Some of them went a bit far, in my opinion, and it didn’t really feel like him. But the majority were sweet, and the authors had clearly done their research ahead of writing their fics, and it made for a delightful reading experience.
So, I set to work, and A Rough Sketch was born. Mid-March 2023, I sat down and wrote the opening lines; “This book was going to be the fucking death of you”. What it became, though, was the very antithesis of what our dear reader went through.
I had always wanted to write a romance book, and the ‘meeting someone cute in a coffee shop’ trope was absolutely something I would have done. Either that, or something else quaint, like a bakery. And I’d always known that I wanted to write something set in Wales, too. It’s a place that means so much to me, and in a way is like a home.
Growing up, I spent a lot of time in Wales, specifically in the north west. Every summer I’d be there with my grandparents, and up until the age of about 15 I had never known a holiday anywhere other than Wales. I didn’t mind though; I enjoyed going with my family, and as I got older and more aunts and uncles began to pass away, those annual trips became more and more special. We had restaurants we’d frequent every summer, friends we’d visit, walks we’d always do – everything. Every year we’d pack our bags and head to the north west, and hole up there during the summer. I loved it.
Both of my grandparents’ health took a turn when I was about 17, and the trips had to stop. My grandfather (a nurseryman by trade, just as in A Rough Sketch) had recently had cancer removed from his body, and my grandmother’s arthritis had just kept getting worse, making the trip from where we live in England too much for them both. But, in their honour, my mother and I would still go that year, just with a twist. We went south that year, staying in a caravan off the south west coast, near Lamphey. From here, we were just a short drive from the town of Tenby, and while we were passing through we hopped on a boat to take us to Caldey Island…
At Caldey Island, I cried when the Monks chanted. I spent an ungodly amount on the little chocolates that were hand made by the same Monks, my mother picking up some coffee flavoured drops which teenage LadyBess had absolutely zero palette for (and, to this day, I still hate coffee as a drink. Sorry, Pedro…).
The final stop on that holiday was Cardiff itself. Being a huge Doctor Who nerd, the city got added to our holiday just for me. We all geeked our little minds out whenever we went past a filming location, we visited a pop-up museum for the show; everything. I absolutely fell in love with the city, and I never wanted to leave. I’d always known that, one day, I wanted to write a book. But that holiday solidified to me where I’d set it.
Life got manic after that trip. I grew up, moved out, and unfortunately I would never go to Wales with my grandparents again.
My grandfather passed away when I was 19. His cancer came back, and after several weeks of fighting, he slipped away. He was in his nineties when he died, and had a good life, although the last few years of his life were a series of him getting knocked on his ass, health wise, and then bouncing back. We always expected him to just keep bouncing back, but our time with him had to run out one day (does this sound familiar?).
My grandmother died 18 months later, to the exact day. Complications from a surgery meant that one day she just never woke up again. We had to make the painful decision to let her go after multiple failed attempts to wake her. I sat by her side as the nurse muted the heart rate monitor, letting us say goodbye to her in peace…
When I sat down to write A Rough Sketch, I had no plans for it aside from it was going to be a fluffy meet-cute with Pedro, some tension and pining, ultimately ending with the two of them together about to travel the world with one another. It was going to be bare boned, at best, and act as nothing more than the blueprint for what I would eventually come to write as my first proper novel. As we all know, that didn’t happen one iota.
As you can probably tell already, I poured so much of me and my life into this. If I could get away with mentioning a place I once visited in Wales, I did (spoiler alert I’ve visited the majority of the big towns in Wales by now so In Loving Memory is not escaping this same fate!). Reader’s parents live in the village I used to visit, reader lives in Cardiff. There’s a visit to Tenby, and Caldey, and that chapter alone is filled with my lived experiences of when I went many moons ago.
But the more I wrote it, and the more the story developed (all with the help of your support, I might add), the more aspects of my life started to weave their way into the story. My grandparents, specifically, became major influences to it. Places I visited with them, conversations we once had, and even down to the grief I felt when they died. The epilogue was so rough to write, but it did me a world of good.
I don’t think I ever got over my grandparent’s passing. I certainly never processed it at the time. They helped my mother raise me after my own father walked out, and we were incredibly close. I don’t say this for sympathy, I had a wonderful upbringing, (and my father can quite frankly suck it) but it did mean that losing them both so close together was the most pain I’ve ever felt.
I went back to the north west of Wales last summer, for the first time since they passed. My partner drove us over the brow of the hill, and it opened out onto the village. A village that, for over a decade, I called a second home. I broke down. Nothing had changed as I walked around, and it was like time itself had stood still while the world continued moving. I loved that, though, and it made me believe for a brief moment that if there is any kind of afterlife, at least my grandparents could come back here together and recognise where they were.
Going back fixed part of me, but I’d argue writing A Rough Sketch fixed me more. All the pain and agony of losing people who meant so much to me, writing about places that are unknown to so many, but are the reason I am who I grew into…it was like therapy, honestly. For the first time since they died I actively dealt with my grief, channelling it into my writing; the happiness, the sadness, and the pain.
But why am I telling you all this? The story of A Rough Sketch finished in July, and I’ve got In Loving Memory to work on now which adds to this universe. Why am I saying all this here? Why does it even matter?
This story is something which means so much to me that I struggle to actually put it into words. In spite of the fact I churned out over 260,000 words in this story, the right words to truly express how much this whole process meant to me fail me often. I hope I’ve managed to do some of my reasoning justice. But almost three months after closing the book on A Rough Sketch (pun entirely intended), I am still at a loss for words for the support and love this work received, and I don’t think I’ll ever find a way to thank you all so much. So, here we are. Writing a love letter to this fic, from me, but also me writing a thank you note to each and every one of you.
I’ve seen some discourse online recently about “Why do people turn fanfiction into books?”, criticising authors for wanting to do that. I’ve seen before the argument that “You only got views because it’s fanfiction. It won’t do those numbers as a book”. And, yeah, they’re not wrong. If this had been released as the original story I first envisioned it as, and not fanfiction, it absolutely wouldn’t be about to hit 18,000 reads.
But just because this started its life as fanfiction, doesn’t mean it’s bound to stay like this forever.
The story of A Rough Sketch will be very different when it is printed on pages to the one here on A03 – but you know what? I like that. This version is fanfiction, after all, and this version deserves to have its own space on the internet. I poured so much of myself into this work that it should be able to shine. And every single one of you who read, commented, and left kudos will forever be people I am in debt to because you helped me so much without even realising it.
I started this year feeling just okay, but I can honestly say that writing this story was the best thing I could have ever done. Whatever happens with this story, the way my life has changed since writing it is something I don’t think I’d have ever envisioned if you’d just told me what could happen. I would never have believed that writing fanfiction would bring me such clarity, peace, and a sense of closure. This story allowed me to be so vulnerable and to process things I’d had locked away for nearly five years now.
To say a fanfiction changed my life sounds absolutely insane, but that’s what happened here, and to the people who supported this work as it was going live week after week, this letter is for you as well. I can truly never say thank you enough to you all. Getting to write this has opened so many doors for me, and not just when it comes to writing. I found my happiness again while writing this, and so much of that I owe to my wonderful friends who I made along the way. I love you all so much.
Truly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. It warms me to see so many of you reading my other works, interacting with me on Twitter or Tumblr, or even coming back here. I hope that you can feel a sense of pride knowing how much your support helped me, especially given where I was at mentally while writing this. I now can’t imagine my life without spending at least an hour a day tapping away on my laptop, and while I’m sure some people would look at that and think I’m regressing back into my shell, if anything I have a new lease of life.
Thank you, to every single one of you.
All my love and thanks, forever,
LadyBess xxx
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Ohh could i get an obey me matchup if u have time? :D
Appearance: i’m afab, tall but skinny like a noodle, still have curves tho. i have light brown hair and dull blue eyes i’m pale af and have a slightly larger than average number of moles. i have had purple under-eyes since i was 12 they are never going away
Personality: professionally i’m doing well but every other area of my life is in shambles lmfao. still live with my parents can’t drive depressed as hell and barely any relationship experience💀i hate responsibility but i’m still responsible because i hate letting people down. i make a conscious effort to always meet deadlines and show up to meetings on time and it bothers me when other people don’t. but still i’m pretty lenient with others and give them the benefit of the doubt. i am fairly whimsical and quite unbothered by everything. not afraid to push boundaries and attempt things no one has done before, when ppl tell me my goals sound unrealistic it just motivates me more
Strengths/weaknesses: good at drawing and school, graduated college with a 4.0 gpa and a bunch of honors and stuff, and i am the creator of several viral posts and quizzes. good at taking advantage of opportunities that come my way. and i can see humor in everything i love to laugh. i’m kinda irony poisoned and struggle with sincerity, but i’m also an open book i don’t rly have anything to hide. i always talk pretty casually with people no matter who they are but i get away with it cuz i’m smart and good at my job or something. i may come across as impulsive but i do think through everything i do and say, i’m just a fast thinker. i’ve been told i’m too trusting but i haven’t been hurt yet sooo idc ^_^
Likes/dislikes: i am fan of any kind of creative hobby. i like being in nature and interacting with animals but i’m also a pwetty pwincess who hates getting dirty. i hate doing chores and paying for stuff too 💅🏻 i avoid drama and conflict like the plague, though i enjoy it as a spectator. and i hate office jobs, specifically because i work very efficiently then have to pretend to be productive for my dumbass boss when i finish everything early. i love to hang out with people even if it’s something boring like running errands. for some reason people think i don’t like hugs or texting but i do :( i constantly crave novelty i love new experiences
Other: when i really like someone i’ll take an interest in their interests and memorize every little thing i learn about them to the point where i gotta play dumb sometimes so i don’t sound overly invested. we would probably have to have a strong friendship as a foundation cuz u gotta be patient with my repressed ass. i don’t have a lot of preferences for dates so i’d be happy doing whatever they want, i’m v indecisive so it would be good for both of us if they like taking the lead
- 🦝
Hello -🦝! Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself, it a pleasure to meet you! ^^
This felt really fun for me bc I already had a few silly hc in mind for you, so I hope you enjoy!
I match you with…~
꩜ Never a dull moment when your around him.
꩜ The two of you are a funny duo, to say the least. If it were possible, it would be like you taking care of a leash kid.
꩜ Not to worry, with this jackass over by your side, he will make you forget about your depression with his bullshit and shenanigans! That’s right, The Great Mammon himself! >;D👍✨ ((plz don’t take this too seriously..))
꩜ When it comes to you, he might as well not have any experience either. When others look at you, sometimes they think you’re the one who knows the ropes even if that’s not the case at all.
꩜ He’s supposed to keep an eye on you, but the fact of the matter is that it got twisted real quick and you ended up responsible for him instead. You keep him in check when it comes to his studies and duties he must finish. Oh what’s that? Sike! Even if you didn’t want to, he’ll beg you to help him out before Lucifer catches a whiff that he failed a test for the 1738929th time.
꩜ You’re motivated to want to improve yourself, so why would t you want the same for those you care about? No matter how hopeless someone is, surely there’s always a way!
꩜ Doesn’t matter how much he tries to hide something he did wrong though, Lucifer knows way before he himself does. So you’ll often see him upside down hanging from a ceiling. He temps you first before resorting to begging you to help him out again.
“Are ya takin’ me seriously, human?!”
— “Pfft- Yea yea of course!👌” nah, not really
꩜ As time passes by though, he starts catching your drift slowly without being told what to do. Simply wanting to get your attention and praise is enough to have him determined to want to do better. So in a way, both of you help each other out to get yourselves organized; May it be your actions or mental state. Thriving forward because of it.
꩜ He appreciates you never me giving up on him, thinking about it makes him soft and weak.. He’ll never admit it though! Not the Great Mammon himself! Not in a million years! Pretty obvious tho..
꩜ He, too, is an open book; not on purpose though. He tries to hide it but ultimately just reveals even more.
꩜ But It’s funny watching you two play dumb with each other when it comes to the other’s interests. He is just as invested in what you like — or perhaps even more — like you are with his.
“Oh, you like -insert hobby-? Ha, lame!” *Proceeds to look up everything there is to know about it*
꩜ Lovely to know you like to hang out, cuz best believe this guy is stuck to you like glue. He might try to come up with an excuse as to why he just barged into your room or sent you some random message, but it’s all bs. He just wants to be with you even if there’s no reason. He just really enjoys your company.
꩜ On days he gets paid, He’ll say he’s feeling generous and willing to spoil indulge you a bit. You better be grateful to the Great Mammon! Whenever you go shopping, he’ll keep an eye out for anything you might glance at, even if it was just for a brief moment.
꩜ And even if it’s rare coming from you, he’ll immediately sense if there’s greed coming from you. So he’ll buy you whatever it is that you want so badly! *cough* you just glanced at it.. *cough*
End
I hope I was able to make you smile
Take care -🦝!✨
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OUAT Thoughts Pt.22--Episodes 2-3
I have watched through S3E3; spoilers DNI. Also, spoiler warning for anyone further behind than I am.
—These episodes have had some pretty obvious plot devices in them, such as the map needing ✨special circumstances✨ to activate, but I don’t mind. It’s yielded some insight for Emma’s character, as well as fun, deadly family adventures.
—Speaking of deadly, if Charming dies I will be very upset. Also, he’s being stupid, not telling Snow that he’s been poisoned. Sure, it saves her some worry, but in the end it doesn’t help much.
—Snow and Charming drawing their swords in unison is couple goals.
—Fake Excalibur was a pretty sword. Of course, now they’ve set the expectation that I might see the real Excalibur eventually, so they’ve gotta make that the most spectacular weapon in the universe.
—I love that Rumplestiltskin conjured an image of Belle when he wanted someone to talk to. (Although, I do wonder if Belle is in any way aware of it, like her spirit was transported to Neverland; or if it’s just a very vivid hallucination.)
—I’d like to take the fact that he’s worried about making the selfish choice as a sign that he genuinely wants to do better this time.
—That straw doll following Rump around the island is creepy as hell. No thank you.
—The parallels between Emma giving up her kid, like her parents did, and Rump abandoning his kid, like his father did, intrigue me. As depressing as these plot points are, they’re also somewhat hopeful, as both Emma and Rump are trying to do better. It’s a nice, rare appearance of ending the cycle.
—Confession time! I’ve watched most of the movies in the Netflix Christmas Movie Cinematic Universe. I watch them on repeat every Christmas. (My mom watches those with me, too.) So of course, we had a jolly moment recognizing Tinkerbelle as Queen Amber from the Christmas Prince movies.
—Tinkerbelle is definitely cute, but she’s not quite my type. Especially when she’s all grimy and whatnot in Neverland.
—Her bright green dress in the fairytale world is among the best fairy outfits, though. Seriously, the Blue Fairy’s dress is ugly as all get-out. Just disgusting.
—Henry trying to shoot Peter was outstanding. I just wish it had worked.
—I hope at some point Emma and her parents manage to patch things up, because their current situation makes me very sad for both of them. It also makes Emma a little bit hypocritical, because she seems to expect Henry to forgive her entirely, but she isn’t willing to extend forgiveness to Snow and Charming. She’s a bit oblivious at times, so I’m willing to bet she’s not even aware of that irony.
—I want to know more about Hook and Tinkerbelle’s past adventures together. Sounds fun!
—Robin Hood being a father is a dynamic I really like. He needs something to fight for, or he just seems like a rogue with no reason for existence—and also no motivation is not a good way to build a character—but usually the only reason he gets is a vendetta. And you all know, there’s more than enough vendettas to go around already. Having his introductory motivation be his family is a lovely twist on the character.
—Robin is Regina’s soulmate? Color me surprised! I will now put yet another portion of my shipping energy (which believe me, is just about limitless) into hoping they get a happy ending. Besides, then Regina would get another kid in the bargain, which would give Henry a little brother, and that’s even better!
—That weird, pale, blond Lost Boy looks like his name should be Jimmy. Don’t know why, he just does.
—Baelfire actually made it to Neverland! I am both thrilled and trembling with fear. With him now in the equation, I have to place my bets on either him or Rump dying, and since Bae recently had a deathfake, it’s probably going to be Rump.
—On the other hand, maybe now Bae will have a chance to see his father doing the right thing. The would be excellent.
—Just remembered that Rump sent his dagger off with his shadow. Boss move, honey, but also stupid. It could possibly be the cause of that whole death thing.
—Getting a bit of full-on Dark One Rumplestiltskin was a fun part of these episodes. I love any scene where he’s at his spinning wheel.
—Snow White’s vest and jacket when she’s rebelling against Regina are gorgeous. Also, I adore that her hair is messy, because she’s living in a forest and it should be.
—The dwarves being like seven overprotective, angry brothers is hilarious to me. But I appreciate that they were willing to back down when they realized that Charming wants what’s best for Snow. Overprotective becomes overbearing rather quickly, and then it’s no fun.
—How dare they give me a faint glimmer of lesbianism and then take it away? I mean, for all I know it’s a total fakeout and Mulan is in love with Philip after all, but come on!
—Her being a Merry Man is cool, though. Maybe Robin could take them to, say, Scotland or Arendelle, and Mulan could meet one of the other Disney Lesbians™?
#once upon a time#ouat#Emma swan#prince James charming#Snow White#rumplestiltskin#belle#neverland#tinkerbelle#Captain Hook#baelfire#Peter Pan#the lost boys#Henry#the seven dwarves#mulan#Robin Hood#the merry men#martianbugsbunny reviews
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Firefly’s Night - Things That Gradually Drift Away 3
Writer: Mitsuki
Characters: Isara Mao, Kanzaki Souma, Otogari Adonis
Translated by: jewwyfeesh
Summary: After a day's work, Mao sends the transfer student home. En route, they meet up with Souma and Adonis who are on their way to go look at the fireflies. The transfer student manages to resolve the awkward tension between Mao and Souma in a timely manner, and brought up her interest in wanting to see the fireflies as well. Mao requests that Souma and Adonis take good care of the transfer student.
Mao: Really! It’s rare to see Ritsu so motivated. Rather than worrying… I’m actually very happy. He’s found something that interests him.
Season: Summer
Location: Downtown
Mao: Sorry for making you wait till now, Anzu.
I’ll send you home now. Don’t worry, I’ll explain to auntie[1] on your behalf. We’re pretty lucky, the sky hasn’t turned too dark yet ♪
Ahh, it’s been a while since I’ve left for home this early~ I’ve become accustomed to the night scene… so I’m not used to seeing the streets at dusk.
There are so many people, it’s so lively~ The storefronts do look a little different from the usual, I feel like I’m about to get lost ♪ If that does happen, then I’ll have to trouble Anzu to send me home.
Eh? That stationery shop is still in operation?! I haven’t seen it do business for a long time! Every day when I walk past, the doors are always closed tightly?!
Uwah… I don’t know why but… suddenly, I feel very overwhelmed… I’m starting to understand how that junior from the basketball club feels, muttering ‘I’m so depressed, I want to die’ everyday.
I feel like a savage living in the secluded mountains, ruthlessly abandoned by the era of high speed advancement…
…What’s with this tone of an unemployed middle-aged uncle! My apologies, Anzu, it seems that I’m a little dizzy from overwork.
Please pretend you didn’t hear what I said just now.
Eh? You’re giggling? Although I do feel a little embarrassed… as long as you’re happy. After all, you’ve also been through a lot as well.
Some time ago, I had asked for your assistance for the Tanabata Festival. To be very honest, I was quite surprised when I first heard about it, but Sagami-sensei is really too messy, so I ended up handing all the preparations for the ‘S1’ to you.
But the Tanabata Festival had concluded successfully, even exceeding my expectations ♪ There were performances by so many units, and the guests who came to Yumenosaki wore content smiles.
Perhaps you’re actually more competent than all of us. Hmm… that must be it. That’s why you became our ‘Goddess of Victory’ ♪
To be honest, I’m not really complaining about anything in particular… Even though I keep saying that ‘I’m in a dilemma’, or ‘I’m way to busy’ and the like…
Participating in Trickstar activities or with the Student Council… I’m either busy with training, or busy with work.
I know in my heart that I’m the only one who can make the decision. In addition, the members of Trickstar and the Student Council take very good care of me.
I can’t keep on hesitantly deceiving myself, refusing to move forward, just like I had done in the past. I have to work hard on both ends, even though I don’t know how much I’ll be able to accomplish.
At the very least, I can’t lose to Anzu ♪
Hm? You’re asking about Ritsu? That guy said he had some matters to attend to, and left first.
Speaking of which, Ritsu’s been acting rather mysterious lately, as if he’s planning something.
Of course, this shouldn’t be ignored, but for the time being it doesn’t seem like he has any intention of letting me know. Even though I’m curious, I won’t press the matter tactlessly.
After all, that guy’s not some kid who needs to be hand-held; neither am I his guardian loitering in his shadow, watching over him every step of the way.
I’m his ‘childhood friend’[2] and nothing more. When he’s unable to walk, I’ll pull him along. When he wants to do this or that, I’ll cheer for him while standing an appropriate distance away.
Watching each other move forward in life, and not staying in one place playing house forever.
I think… this is the kind of relationships ‘childhood friends’[2] should have, no?
Really! It’s rare to see Ritsu so motivated. Rather than feeling worried… I’m actually very happy. He’s found something that interests him.
…Hm? What’s wrong? Is there something on my face? Don’t just suddenly stop and stare at me, Anzu! It’s really weird?!
Cough… cough cough… Anzu, look over ther—eh?
Adonis: ……?
Souma: What happened, Adonis-dono? Ah, isn’t that Anzu-dono and Isara-dono? Anzu-dono~ Isara-dono~ ♪
Mao: Oh, Kanzaki and uh… Otogari? Good evening.
Adonis: Good evening.
Souma: Good evening. May I ask what are the both of you doing here?
Mao: Ah… um, about that– I’m sending Anzu home.
Souma: Ah. Did you just depart from school? That should mean that Isara-dono is also from the Student Council, just like Hasumi-dono. That’s right, I’ve patrolled the school with Isara-dono before.
Mao: Ah, mm, yes… I think I did patrol with Kanzaki in the past.
Souma: Isara-dono’s complexion is a lot better than what it was before. Looks like the Student Council isn’t so busy after all. In that case, Hasumi-dono should be doing fine ♪
Mao: Ah… yes. Vice President is doing very well, he’s very lively, ahaha…
(Ugh… Really… Just now I had even vowed to Anzu this ‘working hard on both ends’ and what not, as if I had already made up my mind. But I quickly ‘returned to my original state’…)
(At one point in time, I even ditched Trickstar to perform with Akatsuki[3], but also left them soon after that.)
(Although my heart has always been with Trickstar… even though the vice president would keep reminding me that I should treasure the time I have, and do things that I myself would like to do…)
(But from Kanzaki’s viewpoint, he might think that I had ‘betrayed’ them, which is understandable. Because from my ‘actions’ alone, it does seem like it.)
(Though, as for Kanzaki… he doesn’t seem like the kind of person who goes around looking for trouble. He probably just wanted to talk to me normally and show concern for Vice President.)
(With that being said, I still feel quite awkward… ahhhh, my personality’s really troublesome. If someone else were to step in and speak up, that would be great.)
(Otogari… is in the same class as Hokuto. I’ve heard that he’s still not too familiar with Japan, and is also a man of few words.)
(As expected, he simply stood there for the entire duration without saying a single word.)
(Eh? Anzu…? Why did you suddenly tap my hand…?)
Souma: Anzu-dono, are you asking us? Adonis-dono and I are preparing to attend ‘firefly appreciation’ in the mountains.
Adonis: Hm. Anzu would like to know what ‘firefly appreciation’ is? That’s good.
Akehoshi drew a map. On it, there’s an area near the school that is the most suitable for ‘firefly appreciation’.
Mao: (You took note of my feelings, and tried to change the subject of the conversation so as to allow me to relax… is that it?)
(Thank you, Anzu ♪ I am once again in your care.)
Souma: Could it be Anzu-dono would also like to come along? Really? Oh, oh, I’m really happy! I’ve always wanted to forge good relations with Anzu-dono, just like Trickstar!
Adonis: I agree with Kanzaki. With the both of us around, it’s enough to protect Anzu. You need not prepare anything, so its okay if you’d like to head over straight away.
Mao: …Wait a minute, Anzu. What did you just say?
Yes, I’m talking to you. I couldn’t have made a mistake. What do you mean you intend to head into the mountains at night with two boys?
Souma: Eh? Isara-dono, you’re mistaken.
It’s not two guys, it’s three. Adonis-dono invited Oogami-dono, but Oogami-dono will be making his way there first ♪
Mao: Hey hey, that’s not the main point… but whatever you just said sounds even worse?!
Anzu, you said ‘it’s fine’… Have you really never seen fireflies before? When you look at me so expectantly, how could I say no…
Nevermind, it was me who had rejected the invitation earlier on. Otogari and Kanzaki, along with Oogami… then, I guess it should be fine.
After you all are done viewing the fireflies, you must send Anzu home safely, okay? Anzu too, don’t stay out too late, else auntie[1] will worry.
Let me know once you’re home ♪
Adonis: Mm. We will protect Anzu. We won’t let her get attacked by bugs/insects.
Mao: (Insects…?)
Souma: Please entrust her to me, Isara-dono! Should any harm, no matter how small, fall upon Anzu-dono, I will commit seppuku on the spot!
Mao: Wait a minute, there’s no need to commit seppuku or anything… Anyways, that’s the plan, okay, Anzu?
The term 阿姨 (translated as auntie here) is often used as a sign of familiarity in Mandarin. It is usually used for older, married female relatives. Most likely referring to Anzu's mom.
The original term used is 青梅竹马, an idiom which means ‘childhood sweethearts’ or ‘a couple who grew up as childhood friends’.
Most likely referring to the part in the Main Story when Eichi disbanded Trickstar, and allocated Mao to Akatsuki. However, I would like to clarify that I don't think Mao had the chance to perform as part of Akatsuki before reconvening as Trickstar, so this is probably a point of diversion (￣ω￣;).
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Journal Entry: Halloween 2023
I tried to end it all. Things just got to be too much. I spiraled out of control. There's a hole in my chest that cannot, or at the very least has not been filled with anything I try to fill it with. Momentary distractions last, for a time. Alcohol. Acid. Music. I recorded enough songs to release an album and then dropped them all together because there was no joy in it anymore. I built a huge overarching world in DnD for a group of people I care for and yet I struggle to find the motivation to show them any more of it. I taught myself piano, Spanish, how to epoxy furniture, all of it lasting mere weeks before it just did not work anymore. And I'm tired of starting over. So tired.
It's an exhaustion that goes back years and years. A tired in my bones I can't shake. All the cliches of depression and none of the rehabilitation. I've been fighting and fighting for so long just to breathe and I can't catch any air. Fleeting moments of happiness pass like trying to capture bubbles with my hands. I failed every relationship I have ever been in. Some lasted months, others years, and always the same result: devastating loneliness and loss.
I don't know what to do anymore. So I took four times my regular dose of medication. Twice what a hospital visit required. Not nearly enough to do the job. I locked my door and laid down and prayed for death. I prayed to a God I'm not sure I believe in anymore. A long comatose faith from my youth. I prayed so hard that He'd love me like my father should've and in that love take away all this never-ending pain.
My friends showed up. And I wish I could say it made me feel better with them there but it didn't. Suddenly it was just overwhelming guilt and the knowledge that they would resent me for this. Especially because I lied about taking any pills until it was far too late. I could hear it in his voice when the EMTs I would lie to came and went. The anger. I heard them crying, felt their hands on me and all I could feel was sadness. I didn't die that day, but it feels as though those friendships did.
I am so tired of starting over. New friends when the old ones can't put up with me anymore. New romances when I don't meet the bare minimum of expectations. New families torn apart because I can't keep it together.
I want to tell them all I won't do it again. But even I have a hard time believing that. And what are they supposed to do when they hear that? Stay, knowing that I could break at any point? Anxiously check their phones when I call or text knowing that it could be something awful again? I can't ask that.
So I'll sit in my room alone. And time will pass. And the Someday I begged for, I fought for, I need will pass me by.
I am worried that this darkness shall never end.
With love, Nat.
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I've been having some vivid dreams again. Many I can explain pretty easily as many of the things I've talked about or seen across media popping in strange, but equally vivid ways.
But the lead to last night's dreams I remember has me all in knots and I'm really not sure where the idea came from, save perhaps my subconscious.
Most of the details have since disappeared, but the main point I took away from it is of what I could be/have been.
In this dream I was secure in my gender and happy to present as such. I was so comfortable and confident that when I least expected it, blessedly, I ran across a man who took interest in me and took the things I say unintentionally in stride. So in stride, in fact, they were a near perfect match for what I would tell someone saying these same things to me (as I try very hard to be a beacon of positivity to match the things my friends and family say about themselves and what they find as their negative traits). Positive, kind, unassuming, almost effortless, and uplifting.
And it wasn't the fake kind I've come to expect and see in my daily life... The comments with the hint of a 'I'm just joking around/have an ulterior motive' mixed in. Comments that SOUND good, but have no genuine feelings behind them...
Of course I gladly and eagerly accepted a date/try. And hope soared.
...
I often have dreams where my emotions are so clear and strong. Happiness being my favorite. Much clearer than in my waking world where everything must be measured so is probably repressed in some way.
I was fighting Yakuza (video game stuff) later in the dream so that was another whole bag of cats and I woke up groggy from that...
But the first part before it evolved... I just...
It was hard waking up and just... Not being comfortable like that. Not being able to accept or see myself as what I was in my dream.
My body was the same, for once, in that dream. Exactly how I look right now... Just dolled up and cute- a lovely skirt, piggy tail buns, a little makeup, flowers had something to do with it all... And still chubby and with all my health problems. Just girly. Accepting of it.
And I'm so confused.
I WANT that. I want that confidence and comfort in what and who I am. But I just don't have it. I don't know who I am or what I'm doing.
I'm literally just a hodgepodge of things I find comfortable enough... Depression, laziness, and a desire to be something I'm not and know I will never be underlying everything- every choice I make.
I know I could try to be that. Buy skirts and dresses as the extra bit of $ comes in from my job. Make the effort to be cute and bubbly like that.... But I also know that in the end... I can't force it to last. Something will dig at me and I will become sad and drop the facade. It's happened several times already. I can't even keep my hair dyed black like I prefer it. It's been years now.
I'm just... So tired. Confused. And sad.
I wish it was a choice.
I've made quite a few of my Trans friends uncomfortable when I've mentioned if I could trade them fully functioning parts I absolutely would (I've since stopped saying as such to any Trans person I come across as I now realize for some reason it makes people uncomfortable and is a taboo in the community - I deeply apologize for not understanding, and your feelings are valid all the same!!)... And I realize wishing it was that easy makes many people uncomfortable as well.
These are my feelings though.
And don't get me wrong. I sincerely enjoyed that part of the dreams that held joy for me. I'm happy I had the dream as I love dreaming and having that extra little world in my head free of charge, more or less. I especially love that that me was beautiful and happy and had all her wishes coming true. It warms my heart to have seen an experienced that in the capacity I did.
I'm sad for me because I've long mourned the loss of the dreams/goals I had as totally unrealistic. I want to have direction and stability in my life. Enough not to worry. Love. Family. Acceptance.
I want a different life than I now live. And I'm angry, annoyed, sad, and resigned to the fact that I'm too scared to make major changes I feel I can't upkeep if I try to make them. I know a chunk of it is poor upbringing and trauma- things holding on I can't seem to break free of no matter how much I want to... And another chunk is fear of the unknown... And another chunk is resistance to change inherent in people with my condition.
There are facets to autism and trauma I'm very grateful for and even love- my willingness to be a shield, my kindness, my sense of justice, my care, my contingency plans that are useful.. and there are facets I want to shake like my dependency on comfort and knowing I'm not letting anyone aside from myself down.
I want to stop letting myself down... And yet I can't seem to actually do that without letting at least one other person down.
I've decided I won't transition like I want to because I don't want any more health complications - potential or otherwise - to bother my already annoyed family with. And yet I can't decide to lean into the gender assigned to me because of the extreme discomfort it gives me. The sense of falseness and fear of attack that comes with it. I also don't want to be one of the ones I find absolutely gross (and I'm so sorry I do- it's a really old beaten-into-my-head thing from my upbringing- some people are just so beautiful, and others it's really not their fault. I feel like a gross looking person already because I'm so awkward and I don't want to make it any worse) who stick out like sore thumbs and are attacked for it anyway or regardless of where and who they are.
Idk.. the dream was good. I'm happy it was good. I'm not excited about the existential crisis and sadness it brought me today... But still. I'm glad I had it and got to experience some euphoria that way. My dreams are happy sometimes, and that makes me happy.
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Tranquility Behind the Storm
The pandemic's outbreak utterly caught me off guard. I never imagined that things would end up like this and go through all of that back then. Perhaps I was naive at the time, thinking that nothing could possibly affect the fact that everything around me would last. I experienced a lot during the recent outbreak, whether it was happy or sad, but I can't deny that it taught me a lot. I became aware of several things that I had previously ignored.
I was in ninth grade when the pandemic began, and the year ended early. When the school informed us that we would have a week off, I recall that we had no idea that that day would be the final chance for us to go out and see each other. I initially believed that since there would be no more school, I would be pleased. For the first few weeks, everything was enjoyable, but as time went on, the days grew depressing. During the pandemic, I am unable to do many of the things I am used to, including seeing my friends, dining out, traveling, and many more.
I learned a lot about myself and my family during the past two years that I spent at home. I observed that during the lockdown, as it was prohibited to go outside, my family and I grew closer. Because even though there were just three of us at home prior to the pandemic, we were unable to reach an understanding. I came to the realization that it might be because our family doesn't bond enough. We got used to each having our own things at school and at work, so we don't have time for each other. We did nothing at home during the pandemic because nearly everything halted, including work and school. We now spend a lot of time conversing with one another because it has been our past time since that time, which is good for the entire of our relationship.
I also learned certain things about myself, including how I had lost my enthusiasm since the pandemic. I become reserved and timid. I got anxious every time I left the house because I was used to being home all the time. At first, I was unaware of that. I used to think that my shyness was normal, but until now, I still have trouble getting over it. My last name used to be loud in class and with my teachers, and I used to participate in class activities and join everyone. But I made an adjustment once the online class began. I hardly ever take part in events and recitations.
Even I feel disappointed in myself since I believe I have changed from that. As a result, I have struggled with my academics ever since. Not because of other people, but because of myself, I was under pressure. I worry that I'm not the same person I used to be and that my marks will suffer as a result of my infrequent participation and recitation. I'm still trying my hardest to achieve decent grades, though. Even if I still don't recognize myself as I once did, I know that I'm improving in some way, which is one of the things that motivates me to keep going.
The first time I started a relationship, where I just learnt a lot, was one of the pandemic's remarkable events that changed me the most. I've known him for almost three years. Before we started dating, we spent a lot of time together before we got into a relationship. Naturally, we struggled because we were both unfamiliar with the circumstance in which we could not see one another, unlike our previous close friendship. We were very adventurous at the time because the online class had only recently begun. Because that's not how we're used to living, we struggle every day. Until the pressure we felt caused us to lose time with one other and decide to stop. I spent most of the pandemic in oblivion, at the same time constantly struggling with the process to survive despite the threat of the pandemic. One lesson I took away from that experience is not to rush.I admit that during those times I became impulsive in making decisions. I didn't think about what could happen if I went right into it. I did not consider the possible results of my actions, especially since the situation was different then. As a result, I began to think differently. It kept growing as I learned to admit my mistakes and humble myself. I developed personally, and I can still remember his parting words to me. He stated he didn't regret how our relationship turned out, which I couldn't believe at the time but eventually came to understand. He won't make me regret it either if it's me, because that experience helped shape who I am today. I was better prepared back then for my future challenges, and I now have a better understanding of what to do. Even throughout my healing journey from that experience I also learned something. For two years the healing was neither straight nor continuous. There are days when I’m okay, but there will come a day when it will reconnect with me again and I'll be hurt again. "Relapse" they say. I don't mind that at all. Even if the healing does not continue, it is still important that there has been improvement. That's also one of my takeaways from what I've experienced, not to rush anything. Everyone has the right time, in my perspective. Even though you are not satisfied or happy right now, in the right time, you will eventually be.
Despite the fact that a lot occurred over those two years of conflict, one advantage was that I learnt a lot. I developed as a person as a result of the experiences I had with my family, friends, or a special someone. I can claim that I have made significant progress, primarily in terms of my personality and way of thinking.
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life in montreal
I have lived in montreal for a year now. I have grown tremendously in this time. It feels hard to proccess at time everything ive been through. I have experienced a lot of ups and downs. I have been exposed to so many things I had dreamed of as a teenager, good and bad. I still feel imposter syndrom of calling myself an adult, an artist. I feel a bit isolated, like im not quite in touch with all of the refrences folks my age make but on the other end not in old enough to understand the refrences my older friends make. i know and have met so many people but I struggle to call most of them my friends. I have a few really close friends and have lost a few due to fsiled romance too. For the most part I feel happy and excited for my life but i have also been experiencing a lot of depression and anxiety, in different ways to what i have experienced in the past. my eting disorder is stil almost a daily struggle for me, however i finally have gotten help from my therapist, not that that has actually improved my mental wellbeing :-( Unfortunately my weight has fluctuated a lot through out this year. Overall I have gained around 15 pounds. It does make me feel a bit insecure. I struggle with comparison a lot. i am a very tall woman and I feel as though I take up too much space. being thin helped me feel small, but now I think I take up even more space. I have a strong desire to feel held and protected my men but me being taller than most of them causes a lot of anxiety and feelings of loneliness. I worry i wont be attractive. I hate that I have these feelings. Its so shallow, why do i base my confidence off of mens approval? The thing is i am also attracted to women or fem bodies, but I am finding it hard to explore my sexuality at the moment due to this need of approval and wanting to feel small with men. I feel a bit out of controll in my life. I worry that I am not smart or that I am not well read enough. am i boring? I think my eating disorder has taken away so much of the time I could have spent expanding my mind and consuming interesting content. My depression has left me feeling unmotivated to learn, to create. I live in such a wonderful city yet I feel out of place, un grounded. I come from a much more nature base city, closer to the ocean, mountains, forest, it was easy to escape the fast pace city life style, but here the city lifestyle feels all consuming. in many ways I am living my dream. i think i would ake my younger self proud, but I cant help but feel lost. I feel overwhelmed by all that I need to do or could be doing. I have not been organising my life at all. Over all this past year has been quite lovely, met interesting people, many of my values have changed for what I would believe to be the better, i feel a lot more confident in my being and in genral am proud of my self for taking on this challenge. A big thing in my life in the past has been goal setting. I think setting goals has been a really useful technique for me to feel motivated, on track, and in control. I have been neglecting taking care of myself alot lately. I think in someways I have this idea that taking care of yourself is un cool or selfish or what have you. My visual aesthetics line up with an unkempt, untaken care of lifestyle, but emotinally it is draining. l would like to take better care of myself, put a bit more effort in learning, growing, and caring. I think this effort would be so valuable in improvinbg my mental health, in increasing my confidence and lessening my anxiety. So some goal which I wish to get to are:
keeping organised
eat healthier
gental workouts
practice selflove
daily journal poems
get into nature
-> daily routine for organisation, self love and mental health
wake up early
write out todo list
20 min yoga
get ready for day
work or fun
clean up
create
shower
fun
journal
get in nature
sleep early
-> weekly todos
get healthy groceries
properly clean
laundry- clothes and sheets
weekly schedualing
run
do a bit of decluttering
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I don’t feel like myself anymore
It’s been a long time. Even longer than I’d like to quantify.
However, I don’t feel like myself and so much I want to write down is bubbling up so fast that I worry should I not release the valve now, we will have a mess on our hands.
Where to begin. The fact that I am now out and gay to the one person I never in a million years believed I would ever be out to. I stonchly opposed to coming out to my mother. My mom. My Mommie. All the issues, no?
Where a solid lead ball was being coddled and calcified in my gut pertaining this experience, I find a lightness. I went to go fight the big boss battle, to find a woman who trusts her daughter’s words without question. Surprise sure, but I can handle surprise. I would have been destroyed, demolished, obliterated had my mom claimed disappointment or otherwise. But alas, she did not fail me. I get to stand here proudly an outed gay person. I feel as though all other people can fuck right off cus my momma doesn’t see me as the failure of a daughter, I was sure I was. I want to dive first into all the unknowns with the confidence that I’ve harnessed over my thirty absolutely miserable years of my life.
Yet. There is a large yet. I am finding very little peace outside of this lightness, this airiness that came with my mother’s motherly love, in her own bland fashioned way.
I sleep endlessly. Which is great, or so my therapist tells me. My body is recognizing that it needs healing. Great. It will get worse before it gets better. Just great.
I’m finding myself more and more scared. Yes, this fear is amplified by the outrage going on in my government’s politics. Hence, I cannot see social media too much or watch the news. I procure nightmares.
This is all around the fact that I can find no energy, no motivation, no drive, and nothing convincing enough to get out of bed. Even hunger or hygiene do little to rouse me. I am told from therapists through phone screens that the healing process involves loosing your trauma drive. Is this what is going on? Or is it rest for healing? Or am I just chronically depressed again? Or am I avoiding and routing to escape?
I heard this on tiktok along the lines of, are you chasing enjoyment or are you living a life avoiding pain? I want to chase enjoyment but at present, all I can muster is to avoid pain. I think my husband’s been the latter for a very long time.
Am I all monologuey because I just finished a memoir? Reading does help spark the senses.
Is this what preoccupies my mind? No. It’s how I love people and how I don’t love myself.
Exhibit A....wow, I really am monologuing just like in the book I finished. Shut the fuck up, you’re not original...not even in the slightest.
Revamp: Prime examples - my grade school boyfriends circa pre 2007, Oasis was a sweet and gentle boy. I don’t know where he is now but god I hope he’s happy. I went out with him cus rumor was that he liked me and for a girl who was the object of nobody’s attraction, especially while I was standing next to my best friend, that was as good of a reason as any to date them. However, I found more love for them within the hate of others. The way my friends would bash and berate him made me love him more. How could they not see this fabulous human standing, praying to god that they would melt into the background of the school’s white painting brick walls while wearing arguably the coolest trench coat ever, that was, in hindsight, most definitely inspired by anime. His nose hairs were a little long and he was shy and surely nerdy. Was that really a reason to banish him to the social circles outer rim of shunned hell? What about the asshats who made the girls feel like shit? Those were our coveted kings. Grovel mere tweens, he shall make you beg for a very glance upon thine straightened hair. So yes, I knew that I had extra love to give and I chose sweet Oasis to give it to. I found myself doing that for the rest of forever. Choosing the people on the sidelines. Those that never got the girl. Those that were picked on or not very popular.
Now, upon reflection and over a year in therapy. I see it.
The reflection of my family life blatantly etched onto this model. My father was a man to be pitied, not that these other boys were the object of such but stick with me. My mom always had extra love to give. Patience tucked somewhere not well known for her to pull out at any given moment, but especially during drought. She was a nurse and cared for other peoples babies. But most of all, she loved this pitiful woe-was-him man when he deserved none of it. She continuously poured from a cup that was perpetually empty, the mysteriously fantastical baby bottle toys with orange liquid that would disappear into the cap as if the doll were truly engulfing.
My mom did not know how, for herself or to teach her kids, to love oneself. Not only was she not the first on that list, nay, she did not even make the roster.
So when I saw this boys sad, alone, and pleading, I gave from my own cup generously. I gave until I’m here today, thirty and desolate. I wished, I had yearned so hard to not grow up and one day want to toss away my entire life because I had not done it right. But I never considered listening to the true voice in my head. I did not know how to trust her. In fact, I didn’t trust her at all. The vicious and judgmental voice had always kept me safe and even allowed me to excel, therefore, it must be the voice of reason. And my desires? The things that drove my passion, they must be the foolish yearnings of a dumbass.
Anyways, I’m not done nor am I even remotely exhausted, but I wish to play and sleep a little at least.
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I worry that sometimes the people around me don't realize how mentally ill I am. Like, Kevin and I have been together 5 years, but he hasn't seen me off my meds until this past year. He saw me dealing with my unstable bipolar when we first met, then stable bipolar about a year after we moved into our house, but I don't think he realized how bad off I was going to get while off my meds, but if I want kids, I can't be on my meds according to my psychiatrist and my gynocolgist because the stuff I was taking was pretty potent.
But I have so many diagnoses that it's unreal and most of them are hereditary/side effects from a rough life led.
It started with the depression and anxiety at 14, added on insomnia at 15, bipolar at 16, PTSD at 20. Then there's the side effects that come from all these illnesses, my worst being my depressive episodes, my episodes of disassociation and feeling like I'm not real and everything around me isn't real, and my occasional spells of excessive paranoia. Then there's also the side effect that I developed after I stopped my meds which is a tic that causes me to jerk my neck, roll my eyes, and make a very high pitched, "Woo." My psych says it's likelihood cause is my brain chemicals being wonky from started my antidepressants so young. He says it may stop when I restart my meds, but I won't know until then. Another recent issue is if someone is speaking to me in person, everything they say sounds garbled even though they're speaking plain English and that's really stressing me out because I've noticed it also effecting the way I write. Like I suddenly don't understand anything that I'm saying.
Like, this job I have now, I work alone throughout the day and I felt off before I left the house and I told Kevin that I felt off. It's been super slow and since I don't have anything to do, it's making me disassociate. I've tried my grounding techniques that my therapist taught me and nothing is helping. I texted Kevin and he told me to take off my shoes and put my feet flat on the floor, but that's never worked for me when it comes to grounding myself because in my head, this life isn't real and I'm just a puppet, my body isn't my body, I don't recognize who I am when I look in a mirror, kinda bullshit.
I've thankfully never been hospitalized despite probably needing to be multiple times and it's hard to explain what goes on in my head to people to a point they understand. A lot of the time, it always feels like I'm fighting for control of my own actions as in I don't always have the motivation to do things that I need to do, or be "present" because I'm too busy off in some lala land that I don't remember (in those times it's like the lights are on, but nobody is home).
I'm just over it. I'm tired of being mentally ill honestly because it's exhausting and the more I talk to my psych or a doctor about it, the more that they add another diagnosis to my list as if I'm collecting every toy in a Happy Meal.
I guess that's enough of my rant. Hopefully it's coherent. Thank God I only have a couple hours left at work and I can go home, eat and edible so I can forget about my problems, and enjoy two fucking days off.
Fuck.
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well today was not great. I got up at 7 and went to my stupid 8 am dentist appointment. I was hoping of course for all good news and not having to go again for another 6 months (my teeth suck so we do every 6 months instead of yearly) but of course that wasn't the case, apparently there's been a lot of wear on my teeth over the past few months that wasn't there before...and like, I know I've been having some jaw pain but I didn't think it was that bad. so that's gonna require some like "partial crowns" (I forget the word he used but that's what he basically said it was) which are a giant pain in the ass so I'm super not looking forward to that. They did like a scan of my teeth and are going to send it to my insurance (thank god I at least have dental insurance now) for approval and shit, so that'll take like 6 weeks, so at least I don't have to worry about it for a little while. but yeah, that wasn't good to hear. went home afterwards and just all around felt like crap so I went back to bed and ended up sleeping till like 2:45....I know the amount I've slept this week definitely indicates I'm getting depressed because that's like my most common symptom when I'm getting like this and I really hate it, especially when I literally have a hearing tomorrow I really should've been prepping for (and like, I'll be able to do it tomorrow and it'll be fine, I just don't like procrastinating it) but like, I don't know what to do at this point. I do have an appointment with my psychiatrist in a few days so I'll obviously tell him, and I guess we'll see what he wants to do. but yeah, got up at like 2:45 and we had a very short CAM since there wasn't much to discuss. worked on stuff for a bit and then made dinner- blue apron's pizza recipes are always super good, and this one came out delicious, so that was good. we watched the queendom performances, though we're not going to be able to watch the episode until Saturday morning since roommate has a work thing tomorrow night. I thought kep1er/loona did really good and are at least gonna be in second, so I hope that's true. and yeah, hung out for a bit after that and I ended up showering and getting ready for bed earlier than normal, because I'm somehow still tired despite sleeping all day (ughhh). I know I'm going to be super tempted to work from home tomorrow even when I really really should not be blowing off my responsibilities since it's my clinic day and I really need to do the hearing prep anyway...ugh. but yeah, I'm tired now so I'm going to bed like two hours earlier than normal, so hopefully that will help motivate me to get out of bed a little more. Goodnight friends. Happy Friday.
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Seven Drinks
Bucky x f!reader
Summary: There's a reason Y/N has never had more than 3 drinks around the other avengers, and they're about to find out.
Warnings: depression, thoughts of suicide, panic attacks, angst (don't worry there's fluff too)
Word Count: 4322
a/n: This is inspired by that episode of Brooklyn 99 with 6 drink Amy (I adopted that concept!) and also Halsey's album Manic. :) I hope you like it. Anything in bold is a lyric from one of the songs on the album!
Please let me know if I messed up the trigger warning tags! I've never written anything like this before, so I just want to make sure I do it right.
Masterlist
"We're having a party tonight." Tony's announcement was met with the usual groans of annoyance at having to schmooze with the typical socialites that attended Tony's party. "You know, you are so ungrateful sometimes. here I am trying to throw you a party, and you're complaining!"
"Tony, we all appreciate the effort you go to, but- at least speaking for me- I don't like people." Y/N's response was effortless, swiftly calming Tony and explaining the reactions.
"That is why-" Tony stuttered when he actually registered the words you said. "That doesn't sound like you at all. And besides, this is a party for just us. It'll be more like team building, but without any pre-planned activities. No "smarmy, rich people" to deal with." He directed his last sentence at Bucky, Steve, and Sam.
The team actually seemed excited at the prospect, albeit skeptical of Tony's motivations.
Unsurprisingly, Nat worked up the courage to question him on it first, "what's the catch?"
"No catch. Just friends, food, and lots of alcohol." His grin quickly shifted into a smirk as the entire room turned to look at you.
You groaned slightly, not wanting all the attention. "Look, there is a reason I cap myself at 3 drinks." Holding up one finger, you started to explain, "One drink Y/N is barely any different from my sober self."
Wanda quickly cut you off, "not true! You get louder." She smirked, happy to have added that tidbit of information.
"Fine." With a laugh, you admitted she was right. "I might get the tiniest bit louder." You held up a second finger to continue your explanation, but were once again cut off.
"It's not a bad thing. It's just your happy, bubbly, and slightly louder than normal personality shining through!" Nat added, seeing an opportunity to tease you for being so positive all the time.
"Thanks Nat. Anyway," emphasizing the rudeness of being interrupted twice, you continued, "two drink Y/N is more touchy feely than normal. Not in a creepy way though!"
"I love two drink Y/N. She gives the best hugs!" Thor eagerly added to the conversation, glad to have dropped by when he did.
"Thanks Thor." With a small smile in his direction, you held up a third finger. "Three drink Y/N is the perfect amount of just past tipsy to have fun without doing anything extremely embarrassing. It makes the most sense to stop there." You finished her little speech with your typical smile and a resolute nod of your head.
"Seriously, you need to relax. Just let loose this one time!" Sam tried to encourage you. With the eyes of nearly every avenger set on you, your resolve didn't last very long.
"Fine! Maybe I'll have a fourth drink." You were met with cheers as you rose from your spot on the couch, trying to prepare for the night that was to come.
--
As soon as you stepped off the elevator, you had a drink in your hand. Clearly your friends were going to make sure you got a fourth drink. even Steve seemed excited when he saw you, although his golden boy personality didn't disappear completely.
"You sure about this? I don't want you to feel pressured!" Bucky nodded, weirdly enthusiastically, before adding, "Yeah doll, don't drink more than you want to."
"You two are too sweet. Sam's right, but don't tell him I said that." You winked at the two super soldiers, emphasizing the joke. "I should let myself relax sometimes. I'm in a safe place, with friends who won't let anything happen to me. What could a few more drinks really do?" You couldn't help but smile at how true that was. You were surrounded by people who care about you.
"Oh, so now it's a few more drinks? What are we talking here, six drink Y/N? Seven?" Bucky teased.
"You'll have to wait and see, Ducky." You teased right back, knowing how flustered he got at the pet name. Steve laughed at his friend as you walked away, ready for your second drink.
--
Before long, you had your fourth drink in your hand. It was slightly odd how literally everyone was staring at you, but your were three drink Y/N at the time, so you were drunk enough not to care.
You downed the fourth drink, unprepared for the consequences.
"So, Y/N... how do you feel?" Clint braved the waters, everyone eagerly awaiting your reaction.
"That is so nice of you to ask! I feel great! I don't think I've ever been this happy." You jumped up and down, hugging Clint with a huge smile on your face.
"How did you get even happier?" Tony chuckled, shaking his head slightly.
"Do you not like it?" Like a switch had been flipped, you were nearly crying.
"What?! No!" Tony was so taken aback at the tears pooling in your eyes, he froze, unsure how to fix it. He looked around the room for help, but everyone else was just as shocked as him.
"I'll fix it!" You were at the bar, fixing another drink before anyone fully comprehended your mood swing.
You walked back up to the group, sipping from your fifth drink as if nothing happened. "What?" You questioned the odd looks, but before receiving an answer you squealed, again jumping up and down. "Let's dance!" You turned around, ready to move to the more open area before looking back over your shoulder, "Wanda! Nat! Pepper! Come on!"
The women shared a look, ultimately shrugging before joining you on the makeshift dance floor.
-
"Bucky, you've been staring at her for 20 straight minutes. When are you finally gonna talk to her?" Steve couldn't help but pester him about his feelings.
"I can't help it. I've never seen her dance so much. I mean, I know she's always happy, but this is a whole new level." He didn't take his eyes off of you, even when he was responding. "I can't tell her tonight, though. This is the most she's had to drink in years."
He watched as you moved back over to the bar, needing another drink after dancing so much.
"Here we go, six drink Y/N." Bucky gestured to the bar. Steve shook his head, but allowed the change of topic.
-
About five minutes after your sixth drink, you were somehow bounding around with even more energy. You were nearly running around the room, trying to talk to everyone at once.
"Ducky! Have I ever told you I took gymnastics lessons for 7 years when I was younger?" You were bouncing with pent up energy, excited to be sharing more information about yourself.
"No, you've actually never mentioned that." He smiled, enraptured by your childlike enthusiasm, so enraptured that he didn't notice the mischief in your eyes.
"Well, I did! Watch this." You handed a confused Bucky your now empty glass, turning and throwing your arms up. Bucky realized two late what was happening, and with both yours and his glasses in his hands, he couldn't physically stop you.
"Y/N, wait!" His shout had everyone turn and look as you flawlessly executed two cartwheels in a row.
Bucky would swear your smile got even bigger as you turned around to look at him again.
"Normally I can do more, but" you hiccuped, then lowered your voice to a really terrible whisper, "I'm a little drunk." You leaned into him, laughing as if you just told a joke.
Wanda walked up to you with a seventh drink, hoping seven drink Y/N had a little less energy, but happy to see you having so much fun. "Here ya go! One more of your favorites, just like you asked."
"Thank youuuuuu!" You shifted to hug Wanda, leaving Bucky to miss your added warmth.
-
You sipped your seventh drink slower than the rest, quickly running out of energy. Sliding the empty glass across the bar, you slipped out of the party unnoticed, making your way to the kitchen for some pickles- your favorite drunk food.
Your seventh drink hit you just after you opened the pickles. Gone was the happy, bubbly persona you showed the world. The mask slipped away, leaving you alone to contemplate your life choices.
You made your way to to the lounge just outside of the kitchen, choosing to lay on the floor behind the couch and stare out of the large floor to ceiling windows.
-
"Where's Y/N?" Bucky glanced around the room, an uneasy feeling in his stomach.
"Huh? Oh, she said she wanted a snack." A very drunk Wanda turned to look at where the food was set up, scrunching her face in confusion when she couldn't find you. "Weird. Maybe she went to the bathroom?"
Bucky, having noticed your absence 8 minutes ago, didn't think you left for a bathroom break. "Maybe." Plus, you always took the girls to the bathroom with you. His eyes flitted about the room, taking one more glance before deciding to go look for you.
He decided to head for the kitchen since Wanda said you wanted a snack. He laughed at the open jar of pickles, knowing you at least passed through this room. He put the pickles away before popping his head into the lounge area.
"Y/N?" He called out, figuring this was the most likely location for you to end up.
You hummed in response, not moving from your spot on the floor. Bucky walked further into the room, slightly confused as to why he could hear you but not see you. That is, until he realized you were laying on the floor behind the couch.
"Why are you on the floor?" He smiled when he found you.
"I'm just looking at the sky." Your voice held a melancholy air as it floated through the room. Bucky's smile faltered, not used to hearing you sad. In the three years he's known you, he's only ever seen you sad because of a movie or tv show. Otherwise, you were quite literally always happy.
"Why-" he faltered, unsure how to check on you. "Is everything okay?" he nearly choked the words out, feeling slightly stressed at your sudden gloominess.
"Yeah." You took a deep breath, slowly letting it out in a deep sigh. "Yeah, I'm fine. It's just... I don't know." You sigh again, still looking at the sky.
Bucky chances another question, wanting to get you talking since you're acting so off. "How are you feeling?"
"I feel... so sorry." You words were so soft that Bucky could barely hear them.
"Sorry?" He tried to hide his confusion, matching your soft tone as he sat down a few feet away from you. "About what doll?"
"Just... because I feel so sad." Tears pooled in your eyes, but you didn't stop staring at the sky.
"What are you sad about?" It's taking everything in him for Bucky not to hold you right now. He doesn't want to make you even more upset, especially because he's never seen you like this.
"No one around me knows who I am..." He watched as a tear rolled down your cheek, shining in the light from the moon.
Bucky moves closer, just close enough for him to reach out and hold your hand. You squeeze it, instant relief flooding through him that he hasn't crossed any boundaries.
He goes to speak, but you cut him off. "I'm not breaking. I won't take it. And I won't ever feel this way again." Your voice is harder, as if your angry with yourself.
"Hey, hey, hey. It's okay to have feelings. You're allowed to feel like this. Don't push it away. Talk to me. Why don't you think anyone knows who you are? We're all here for you, Y/N." He rubs his thumb over the back of your hand, trying to convey how serious he is.
You let out a dry laugh, wiping the the tears from your cheek. "My self preservation..." Bucky can tell there's more to, choosing to wait for you to continue. "All of my reservations..." You sigh again, sitting up, you scoot closer until you can lean your forehead against his shoulder. "I bottle it up. I'm my own biggest enemy." You let out another dry laugh, shaking your head without moving it from its resting place on Bucky's shoulder.
Bucky wraps his arm around you and leans his cheek against your head. "Take your time. You can talk to me." He whispered, trying to keep you talking without getting mad at yourself again.
"Well, I'd like to tell you that my sky is not blue, it's violent rain." The sounds of your sniffles break his heart. "I just pretend everything's fine because that's what I had to do when I was younger." Rather then interrupting, Bucky continues to rub small circles on your hand and your back, encouraging you to continue when you're ready. "Can I tell you a story? I... I think it'll help explain some of it."
"Of course. Anything you need, doll." He curses himself for the pet name, not wanting you to think he's joking. He just can't help it when it comes to you.
"Thank you, ducky." You chuckle, but your words are just as sincere as his. "You know I have two sisters, and I love them with all my heart, but sometimes growing up with them was hard. My older sister, she put so much pressure on herself to succeed. And, she did. She was so good at everything she did, that I felt like I had to be just as perfect.
With my younger sister, it was like it was effortless. She put just as much, if not more pressure on herself. but, she could do anything she tried to, with almost no learning curve. I always felt this crazy amount of pressure to be just as good.
My parents, they didn't really help with that. I mean, they were so supportive and I'm so grateful to them, but it was a lot of pressure. The summer between my junior and senior year of college, I wanted to get an internship. Ya know, to get some experience. It would set me up better for getting a job after graduation.
I spent months looking and applying, but nothing was working out. So, I went home for the summer. My mom would come home everyday and ask me if I got a job yet.
I spent nearly every waking hour looking for a job, even just a part time one for the summer. So one day, when we sat down for dinner and she asked if I got a job yet..."
Bucky could feel how tense you were telling this story, but he knew you needed to get it out.
"I told her, 'no, not yet' and she just seemed so disappointed. She asked if I was even applying and I snapped.
I yelled at her, something that had never really happened before. I told her I was trying. I was doing everything I could. She yelled at me for yelling and said it wasn't unreasonable to ask for updates.
I yelled right back. I kept saying I spend all day everyday trying and just when I finally get a break, she walks in and brings it all up again. I was stressed enough without her constant reminders.
I ended up running away from the table, in tears. I hid in the bathroom, there... there was a pair of scissors on the counter and I really thought about killing myself that day."
The tears are pouring out of you at this point. Bucky threw caution to the wind. He picked you up, maneuvering you to sit across his lap and lean your head on his chest. He kept rubbing circles into your back, murmuring words of encouragement.
"My younger sister tried to check on me, but I wouldn't open the door. My mom stomped down the hallway to her bedroom. I was full on having a panic attack in the hallway bathroom. I think I stayed in there for an hour before I went back to the dinner table.
My dad was in the kitchen. He put my plate in the microwave to heat up dinner for me. I ate through near constant tears, it only got worse every time he tried to ask me what happened. Why I snapped like that.
I wanted to apologize to my mom for yelling, so after I ate I went to her room. I knocked, and when she told me to come in I opened the door. I just remember her looking so angry.
I apologized. I told her I was sorry for yelling. She said something about not being unreasonable again. I cried again. When she asked what was wrong, I told her I was scared.
I couldn't put it into words though, so when she asked me 'of what?' I just shrugged. Then, she asked me if I was on my period.
God. I wanted to scream. I wanted to yell at her again, To make her understand 'I only wanna die some days. But if I decide to break, who will fill the empty space?' I decided that day that I would never try to tell anyone how I actually felt."
Bucky holds you as you cry. You're not sure how long it's been when you can finally breathe enough to talk again.
"I just, so many people have bigger problems then me. I grew up in a loving household. I went to college and made friends. I got a job after I graduated. So why am I so sad sometimes? I just wanna scream but what’s the use? At night, I lay awake and I stare at the door, I just can’t take it no more."
Bucky continues comforting you when he speaks again. "Just because other people have problems, doesn't mean yours are irrelevant. You are 100% allowed to feel however you feel, even if it seems like there's no reason for it. Have you ever thought about talking to someone about all of this? I know you just said you haven't told anyone how you actually feel for years, but I think it could help." He smiled nervously when you raised your head to look at him.
"I have actually. I joked about it a lot with my roommate right out of college. I always used to say 'everybody needs therapy' as a joke. Of course, I meant it. Most people probably do need therapy." You laughed, moving your arms around Bucky's neck to hug him. "Thank you for listening to me. I like talking to you."
Of course, Bucky noticed your smile didn't reach your eyes. He was confident in his words when he spoke again. "You can always talk to me. I'll always be there to listen." He followed that with a less confident "What's been bothering you today?"
"Oh, nothing that serious. It's just all pent up inside, ya know?" You smiled again, hiding your face so he couldn't see your lies.
Of course, he could still hear it in your voice. "Y/N, you can tell me. I want to be here for you."
"I... It's just, my insecurities are hurting me." You laughed at yourself. "Here we go with the fucking riddles, again. On the plus side, I think I've cried so much I'm back to one drink Y/N."
"Well, it has been 3 hours since I left to come find you." You were grateful for Bucky's joke, needing something to lift the mood a bit. "But, don't try and change the subject. I still want to know what's got you all sad." His words were light, but you knew how serious he was.
You took a deep breath, burying your head in his neck. "How could somebody ever love me?" You spoke into his shirt, not moving your head back even an inch.
"You know I can't understand you when you talk into my neck like that." Bucky tried joking, but even he knew it would do little to calm your fears.
You moved back, lips still grazing his skin when you repeated yourself, "how could somebody ever love me?"
Bucky wanted to scream. He wanted to tell you how much he loves you. He would gladly spend every day of his life loving you, but he didn't think this was the right time. Not when you just poured your heart out to him. So he settled for the almost truth.
"Anyone would be lucky to love you. You are selfless. You put everyone else first, no matter what. You always make sure everyone has a reason to smile, even when things aren't going right. You tell the best jokes. You're great at cuddling." He squeezes you closer to him, emphasizing the point. "You are beautiful, inside and out. Everyone who comes into contact with you automatically has a better day. You are incredibly strong and independent. I've never met anyone so incredibly good. Even Steve. Anyone would be lucky to be loved by you."
His words brought more tears to your eyes, pooling in the corners. "Then how come everyone that I’ve dated says they hate it cause they don’t know what to do with me? I feel broken."
"They were all idiots. You're not broken. Not even a little bit. You're learning how to express your feelings. You just need someone who would take it slow." He pressed a kiss to your forehead, struggling not to tell you everything.
"I wonder if you’d take it slow." Your eyes go wide when that slips out. You hadn't meant to make things uncomfortable. One look at Bucky's face has you freaking out. He looks stunned. "I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to say that. It just slipped out! Oh god, you've been there for me all night and I go and fuck it up by admitting I'm in love with you."
Your eyes grow even larger. You would move out of his lap, but his arms are still holding you in place. "Shit! Maybe I'm still drunk because apparently I have no filter." You say the last part more to yourself, but he can still hear you.
"Y/N?" Your name comes out of his mouth in a soft whisper.
"Yes?" You cringe internally at messing everything up.
"I would take it slow." He smiles, leaning his forehead against yours while he waits for you to absorb his words.
"Yeah?" You whisper back, a smile ghosting your lips.
"Yeah." You both lean in, exchanging soft, slow kisses and sleepy smiles.
--
The two of you ended up falling asleep leaning against the back of the couch. The sun streaming through the windows, combined with the noise of the other avengers in the kitchen, wakes you up.
You nudge Bucky, grinning when he pulls you closer.
"C'mon. Let's get some breakfast." He groans again, but eventually stands up.
The two of you walk into the nearly full kitchen, surprising everyone by coming from the lounge rather than the elevators. They share amused expressions, unaware of the emotional hurdles you jumped last night.
You head right for Sam, hugging him tightly before moving on to hug everyone else.
"I just wanted to thank you all. For encouraging me to live a little last night, but also for being there for me." Tears spring to your eyes again, shocking everyone but Bucky. "You're all like a family to me and I'm so glad I have you all to lean on." You made your way back to Bucky, leaning into his side while he poured both of you some cereal.
You smile when you look at him, kissing his cheek before sliding into the stool next to his.
As if broken out of a day dream, Sam sputters out a question. "What the hell did seven drink Y/N do last night?" Thrown off both by your behaviour with Bucky and the short emotional speech.
"Oh, seven drink Y/N is an emotional little bitch. I think I cried eight years of suppressed tears." You laughed, grinning at Bucky when he squeezed your hand. "Also, I think I need a therapist." Your casual admission has Tony spitting out his breakfast.
"What the hell happened last night after you disappeared from the party?" He guffaws, trying to put the pieces together.
"Also, why aren't you even a little bit hungover?" Nat chimed in, upset at missing out on seeing you anything but cheery.
"Well, to answer Nat first, I don't get hungover. Never have, even the one time I blackout out." You shrugged at everyone's slightly jealous expressions. "To answer Tony, I had an emotional breakthrough. Bucky helped me talk through it, something I never thought I'd be able to do. Long story short, i'm going to learn how to share my feelings instead of suppressing them all."
"Suppressing them? What are you talking about? I've literally never felt anything but happiness from you before?" Wanda questioned the new development.
"Well, that's because I'm really good at hiding how I feel. I'd rather not go through it all again, so just watch the security footage from the lounge last night, yeah? I want you all to know, even if it took seven drink Y/N to share it." You quickly finished eating, pulling Bucky to the doorway.
"While you do that, we're going out. Bye!" Before they could question anything else, you ran to the elevator, dragging a very willing Bucky behind you.
"We're going out?" He questioned when the elevator doors shut.
"Yep. Get dressed, I want to see all your favorite places in New York. Even if they're different now. Take me to all your favorite spots." You both smiled, sharing another soft kiss before parting to change for the day.
"Hey," Bucky called, causing you to turn over your shoulder, "I love you."
"I love you too."
#bucky x reader#bucky x you#bucky x y/n#bucky barnes x reader#bucky barnes x you#bucky barnes x y/n#bucky barnes fanfiction#marvel fanfiction#bucky barnes angst#bucky barnes fluff#bucky barnes one shot#tw: suicide#tw: depression#tw: panic attack
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