A Search for Balance
CHAPTER 35: TOTAL ECLIPSE
Find the masterlist with all chapters of this story here, the previous chapter here, and the next one here.
Tagging: @flareshogwarts
A/N: Katriona Cassiopeia, as always, belongs to my favourite @kc-and-co
Deeming the company boring and the chances of intellectually stimulating conversation discouragingly low, Katriona and Murphy had passed on the Vernal Ball or - as they called it - the Ball of Veritable Boredom. They used the weekend to scoff over the nonsense in the Daily Prophet, see who could solve the weekly crossword faster, and engage in the obligatory fight for victory and honour on the Wizard’s Chess board.
The match had turned out to be frightfully even, so that by Sunday evening, the two of them were still pondering over how to best capture the other’s king, attention, or both. Katriona was on the verge of catapulting Murphy’s knight from the board when the fire crackling beside them suddenly roared up. She dropped her protesting queen with a yelp as the flames turned green, and Orion stumbled into the living room. Katriona needed only one look at his face to know that something had gone terribly wrong.
“What happened?” she asked, gently brushing the ash off Orion’s shoulders. There was some dusting his dark hair as well, but with how taut his body was, she didn’t want to touch him any further.
Orion sat in the armchair Katriona manoeuvred him into without reply. When Murphy returned from the kitchen with fresh coffee and a steaming mug of jasmine tea, he accepted it but didn’t drink.
“Statistically speaking, there are too many possible causes to your distress for us to determine the correct one without guessing, even if we factored out fatal accidents, visible-to-the-eye injuries, and other things that would give us a clear pointer as to which direction we’re going,” Murphy said into the ensuing silence. “I mean, we could try, but that would take longer than having two blind Seekers hunt for a Snitch and…”
Upon seeing the raised eyebrows of his wife, Murphy cleared his throat. “What I want to say is, it would really help if you talked to us.”
“My thoughts are swirling around me like clouds,” Orion shook his head, wrapping his hands around his painfully hot cup of tea. It hurt, but the stinging helped distract him from how the scent of jasmine made his head swim. “They obscure the skies of my mind, but when I try to catch them, they dissolve and form again. No matter where I look, I’m surrounded by mist.”
“Do you need a moment?” Katriona offered, gingerly taking the hot cup from him. “We can leave you alone until you’ve sorted out yourself.”
The look Orion gave her was grateful, but he rose to his feet regardless. He had often visited his friends in their home in Kenmare but never before had their four walls felt so suffocating.
“Your offer is generous, but I think coming here was a mistake. I need to go back. I apologise for disrupting the flow of your evening.”
He had already moved past Katriona towards the fireplace when Murphy caught hold of his sleeve. “You’re always welcome here, no matter what. You don’t need to leave if you don’t want to.”
“Stay as long as you like,” Katriona agreed. “I’ll get your room ready.”
As soon as she had fixed up the spare room, Orion went there to be alone with his thoughts. Murphy and Katriona exchanged worried glances as he bid them goodnight, but otherwise, they let him be.
After a fitful night of barely sleeping, Orion got up at the crack of dawn. The house was quiet, still caught up in the stillness of the night, but next to his door, a surprise was waiting for him. It was Katriona’s old Comet 260, which she had flown during their time at school. A note was attached to the handle.
For balance.
Love, K.C.
The smallest of smiles stealing onto his features, Orion picked up the broomstick, the magic in the slightly worn wood responding to his touch. He carried it out into the garden and rose into the air. Katriona’s Comet felt unfamiliar compared to his Nimbus 2000, but he soon developed a feeling for how it swayed in the wind. Turning his focus on the inside, Orion stood and let the storm in him break loose.
It took him the better part of the day to let his churning feelings settle. When the sun began to set, his muscles were screaming, but he finally felt at peace again. He began to notice how pleasantly the scent of flowers hung in the air, how it mixed with the earthy smell of grass and soil. The wind murmured through the new leaves of the trees, stirring his hair around his face, and somewhere in the distance, a blackbird sang its farewell to the parting day.
“You’ve been out here for pretty long,” Katriona’s voice suddenly sounded from behind him. Orion turned his head to see her sitting on the roof, the window to her bedroom standing open. He turned her broomstick and flew toward her.
“No matter how much you will it to be over, a storm ends in its own time. It will not be rushed.”
“Don’t feel rushed all you like, but it’s getting dark.”
“I don’t mind.”
“It’s cold. You’re not even wearing shoes.”
Despite himself, Orion had to chuckle. “You don’t have to stay outside with me.”
“But I’d like to. We don’t have to talk,” Katriona added hurriedly. “I’m just worried about you.”
Orion sighed. “I appreciate the gesture, but a Glumbumble makes poor company for a Billywig.”
Katriona was silent for a moment. “Did you just call me a fat, sad bee?”
“I did not.”
“An annoying blue bug, then. I feel offended.”
“What some deem annoying, others consider a beautiful and fascinating little thing. I’ve been told Billywigs have quite the sting.”
“I’ll show you a bloody sting if you call me a bug one more time,” Katriona muttered, turning serious a moment later. “Jokes aside, you’ll catch a cold if you don’t come inside soon. We won’t push you, I promise. Just sit by the fire with us and watch me crush Murphy on the chessboard, like in the old times. How does that sound?”
It was only when Orion entered the snuggly warm living room that he realised how cold he actually was. He was grateful for the warmth of the fire licking over his skin as he sat beside it with his icy feet tucked underneath him.
“Feeling better yet?” Murphy asked, shifting from his wheelchair onto the sofa.
“More settled,” Orion decided after contemplating the question. “A problem met with a calm mind often already looks less daunting.”
“And does it?”
Orion sighed. “No.”
“The last time I saw you as shaken was in our sixth year at Hogwarts, I believe. We had just won the Slytherin match with a crushing margin, which set us up for winning the Cup that year, and we had that big party in the common room, which you left after a while, and -”
“As much as I admire your impeccable memory, please, can we not?” Orion spoke over Murphy’s rapid stream of chatter. “There’s times when silence speaks louder than words.”
“Wisely said,” Katriona commented wryly. “Shame that Murphy is usually too loud to listen.”
“What for?” Murphy countered with a laugh. “You give me way too many things to talk about.”
“A drink on that,” Katriona rolled her eyes, but smiling as she did so. She ran her hand over Murphy’s shoulder on the way to her kitchen in a gentle but casual gesture that made a tender smile appear on her husband’s face.
Orion forced himself to look away. Murphy and Katriona had never been shy to express their affection openly; Orion had been there to see their love grow from a seedling into the beautiful flower it was now, and never once had he felt anything but happiness for the people who were like family to him.
“What’s wrong?” Murphy broke him from his train of thought.
Orion rested his eyes on the door through which Katriona had vanished. “Are you aware of how blessed you are to have found a woman like her?”
“Every single day,” Murphy smiled in response. “If that’s your way of saying that you’re jealous, tough luck, mate. I’m not sharing.”
“I don’t think jealousy is what I’d call it, but what are words but smoke and mirrors?”
Murphy looked surprised. “I was joking.”
“I know. I wasn’t.”
“Now, that’s awkward. I never thought Katriona was your type.”
“That’s not what I meant,” Orion said hastily, feeling the heat creep up his neck as Murphy’s meaning sunk in. “Katriona could never be more than my found sister-in-the-stars.”
“Then why would you be jealous?”
“Because of this,” Orion answered, performing a vague gesture with his hand. “What you and Katriona have built for yourself is so special that I sometimes wonder how you did it.”
“I’m afraid you lost me.”
“The harmony between you two is like nothing I have ever seen. You complete each other to a degree that I cannot imagine you being anything but two sides of the same Galleon, yet you never lost hold of who you are as individuals.” Orion’s voice tailed off, his face taking on a contemplative look. “What else could you strife for in life than being so fully and blissfully in the present as the two of you?”
Orion’s words echoed inside his mind. To him, the bond between his two best friends was the very definition of what it meant to love someone. Murphy and Katriona were a respite for him, a reminder that there were things that could not be torn apart - not by life, fate, not even by their own dreams.
He and Lizzie had been different. Orion had tried to deny it for the longest time until, eventually, their ambitions had torn them apart. He had regretted leaving her behind when he’d left, but what choice had there been? It would have only been a matter of time until Lizzie realised their love had been ill-fated from the start.
He wasn’t what Lizzie needed. He would never be able to give her what she deserved because she deserved everything, and all that Orion had was nothing. He couldn’t be her rock, her hold through all the storms in life, and if she decided to lean on him anyway, she would regret it before long. He loved her, loved her with every fibre of his being, but what was love in the face of fate?
Orion was abruptly brought back from his musings when Murphy spoke again.
“We used to say the same about you and Lizzie.”
“Lizzie and I never were like you,” Orion sighed heavily. “From the moment we first found each other, the universe was against us. We were just too foolish to listen.”
“You can’t mean that,” Katriona said incredulously. She had returned from the kitchen without either of them noticing. “Merlin’s beard, Orion. You must be joking!”
“I’m not.”
“Have you learned nothing from the last time we talked? What did I tell you at Christmas?”
“You told me a fair bit of things.”
Both men jumped as Katriona smacked her hand onto the table. “I’m serious! I’m not going to let you throw away the love of your life just so you can wallow in self-pity and blame every bad thing in your life on some cosmic bullshit.”
Orion made a hurt face. “Fate isn’t some bullshit, as you call it, and neither are my problems.”
“Yes, they are,” Katriona said hotly. “And I will keep telling you that if you don’t stop justifying your actions with cheap explanations like this. If you run from your fight now, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life. Fate is not what you’re given. Fate is what you make. Fate is a choice.”
“I appreciate you wanting to direct my life into channels you seem proper,” Orion said, quickly carrying on when he saw Katriona’s face darken, “but this isn’t your decision to make. If it allows Lizzie to lead the life she deserves, I won’t hesitate to put her happiness before mine.”
Katriona looked like she wanted to shake him. “You talk about fate and doing the right thing for Lizzie as if that’s only up for you to decide. Have you thought about her for even a second?”
“I’ve never done anything else.”
“Really? Because the way I see it, no one has bothered asking her for her opinion on the matter. Or have you?” she asked, nodding grimly when Orion averted his eyes. “You keep saying how awful Matthew has been to her - and he has, don’t get me wrong - but you aren’t one bit better in that regard. You say you’re not good enough for her, but you’re not even offering her the option to decide that for herself.”
“She would never let me go,” Orion said sadly, “not even for her own sake.”
“Then who are you to question her?” Katriona’s voice softened as she laid her hand on Orion’s arm. “It’s not for you to decide whether she wants to love you or not.”
Orion pressed his lips together, fighting against the feelings rising in his chest. He removed his arm from Katriona’s touch.
“We tried, and we failed, and every time we did, it caused everyone around us pain. We’re like sun and moon, destined to orbit around each other without ever being together.” His shoulders slumped as he leaned his head into his hands. “Accept it, just like I have done. Lizzie and I aren’t meant to be.”
“Sun and moon do meet,” Murphy suddenly said, “approximately 240 times per century. Just because something is unlikely doesn’t mean it’s not supposed to happen. I don’t believe in absolutes, but because you and I have been friends for ten years, eight months, and three days, the one thing I can tell you is that you will 100% regret it if you give up on Lizzie like that.”
Orion studied the pendant of his necklace for a long time before raising his eyes to Murphy. “Do you know what happens during an eclipse?”
“Of course,” Murphy frowned. “The orbits of Earth, sun and moon align. It looks like the moon obscures the sun.”
“During an eclipse, twilight reigns. The sky is darkened, everything falls silent. All that remains of the sun is a fiery ring in the sky, a far cry from its strength and beauty. But the moon…” Orion smiled sadly. “Without the sun, we wouldn’t even be able to see it in the first place. And when they meet, the moon gets lost inside the light, swallowed up by shadow, as if it was never there to begin with.”
“Do you know what else happens during an eclipse?” Katriona said quietly. “People stop and stare. A total eclipse happens once in a lifetime, if at all. It’s a blessing to get to see one. You don’t need Lizzie to be yourself, Orion, but that doesn’t mean you have to be without her, either. You two don’t eclipse each other. You make each other shine brighter.”
Closing his hand around his necklace, Orion met her eyes. “Do you really think so?”
“Do you really think I don’t?” She got up and drew Orion into a hug. “We’re always here for you, you know that, but I don’t think this is where you should be right now.”
Holding Katriona close for a moment longer, Orion finally let go of her. As he did so, he felt a new sense of calm wash over him. He had weathered multiple storms in his life, and if he had learned anything, it was that there was sunshine after every rain. Just yesterday, he had felt close to drowning, but the torrents had swept away the doubts and fears that had risen to the surface.
The storm had passed, and the sun was ready to break through the clouds again.
It was time to go home.
***
Orion only returned to his house long enough to dump his things at his house and get changed before he left again, this time headed towards Lizzie’s and Skye’s house on the edge of Wigtown.
He knocked on the door, willing himself to be calm, but inside, his heart was racing. For as quickly as it was pounding in his chest, it skipped a beat as footsteps could be heard coming from inside. He involuntarily held his breath as the door opened, but glaring at him from the doorway with an unfriendly face was only Skye.
“Where’ve you been?” she snapped, giving him a dark look. “Practice ain’t optional, you know?”
Orion should have figured that him missing practice wouldn’t go down well with her, but right in this instance, he couldn’t care less about Skye’s foul mood.
“Is Lizzie home?”
“Why am I not surprised?” Skye rolled her eyes at him.
She stepped aside and jerked her head in direction of the stairs. “Second room on the right. Knock!” she called after him as Orion was already climbing the steps. “She wasn’t at practice either. Said she wasn’t feeling well.”
At the door to Lizzie’s room, Orion took a moment to compose himself. He felt like a bird was fluttering inside his chest, its little wings beating frantically against his ribcage. He wiped his sweaty palms on the fabric of his trousers, hesitating before raising his hand to the door. His gentle knock was answered by Lizzie’s strained voice coming from within.
“Sod off, Parkin! I said I don’t want to talk to you about practice.”
“Liz?” Orion called softly through the door. “Liz, it’s me. Can I come in?”
A heavy silence followed his words. Then, when Orion was almost convinced that she wouldn’t answer him, footsteps could be heard from inside the room. When Lizzie opened, her eyes - tired and with deep shadows underneath them - were wide as she looked at him.
“What do you want?” she whispered, her voice sounding hoarse in her throat. Orion wondered if her pallidness stemmed from not feeling well, the shock that was clearly written on her face, or both.
He swallowed heavily. “Can we talk?”
Lizzie dropped her eyes, gnawing on her lower lip as she contemplated his request. Eventually, she stepped aside, letting him pass into her room without saying a word.
Orion entered, casting a curious look around. Her bedroom wasn’t big but colourful, much like he remembered her old room at her parents’ house. Pictures of Lizzie and her friends were stuck on the walls, with some spaces between them, where the wallpaper was lighter than the rest; the photographs that had hung there must have been taken down fairly recently.
Over her bed, a framed picture of the Shankly Gates at the stadium of Liverpool FC, Lizzie’s favourite football club, was hanging, her old black-and-yellow Hufflepuff scarf draped loosely around it. The memory of Lizzie taking him there for the first time crossed Orion’s mind, and he fought down the wave of nostalgia threatening to overtake him.
At the foot of the bed, Lizzie’s cat was lying snuggled into a patchwork blanket. When Orion approached, Mouse raised her head, stretched languidly and walked over to him with her tail held high. She immediately wrapped herself around his ankles and made a soft, chirrupy sound, as if it had only been a day since she’d seen him last, not close to three years. A smile forming on his face, Orion picked her up, ruffling her thick fur as Mouse rubbed her nose against his chin.
“Time to leave, Mousey,” Lizzie said, looking at her cat rather than Orion. She extended her hands, waiting for Orion to put her into them; the fact that she kept her distance from him that way wasn’t lost on him. After Mouse had been set into the hallway and padded away with her head held high, Lizzie took a moment before she turned back to him.
“You’re back,” she said eventually, her voice sounding strangely subdued.
“I am.”
The silence between them seemed to stretch into infinity, even if it didn’t last longer than a heartbeat.
“And? Where have you been?”
“Does it matter?”
The feeling of nervous but joyful anticipation that had followed Orion from Kenmare had flickered out entirely by now. His fingers made to touch his necklace as if on their own accord, but seeing Lizzie’s eyes follow his movements, he forced himself to stop. Finally, she raised her eyes to meet him, but there was nothing in them for Orion to read.
“It does.”
“I needed time to think.”
Lizzie made a contemplative noise. “Why?”
Orion hesitated. He didn’t know if she had already spoken with Matthew. Seeing her so completely closed off from him, he didn’t know anything at all anymore, but Lizzie spared him an answer.
“Matthew spoke with you, didn’t he?”
“Yes,” Orion nodded, surprised at the chill underlying her words. “He came to me after you’d left and -”
Lizzie didn’t let him finish. “It doesn’t matter. Matthew won’t bother you anymore.”
There it was again, the icy ring to her voice Orion had never heard before, but his relief at knowing Matthew was a thing of the past was too big to question it. A tentative smile spreading on his face, he took a step towards her. It faltered when Lizzie flinched from him. The warm feeling that had spread in his chest subsided.
“I’m sorry I left,” he told her quietly. He wanted to reach for her when Lizzie looked away, but he remained frozen on the spot. “Matthew woke old fears in me that I had thought were overcome. I was overwhelmed and didn’t know what to do, but I see sense now. I see things I should’ve never forgotten in the first place.”
“And what would those be?” Lizzie asked. To his consternation, Orion saw that she was fighting with her tears. Slowly, giving her a chance to stop him, he stepped towards her and reached for her hands. Lizzie didn’t pull away as he did so, but she didn’t look at him either.
“That I love you,” Orion said, something inside him breaking when Lizzie closed her eyes in pain. He wanted to pull her into his arms and hold her, but instead, he carried on speaking. It didn’t matter what lay ahead of them, he needed to tell her what was on his mind. He owed her that, at least.
“I love you, and I have never stopped loving you, not even when half a world was between us. It was only you I ever wanted, and that scared me. I was scared that this wasn’t the path we were meant to take and that we were tempting fate by walking it regardless. I know better now. I know that the universe won’t make things right for me. I have to choose my fate myself.”
He raised his hand and laid it gently against her face. Lizzie leaned into his touch, her eyes still closed as she listened to what was burning up his heart.
“Love is a choice,” he whispered, “and I choose to love you, as I should have from the start.”
Lizzie didn’t reply. She just stood there, pale and quiet, with her cheek resting against Orion’s hand. When she eventually opened her eyes to look at him, they were clouded by a profound sadness.
“I’m glad you made your choice,” she breathed, “because I’ve made mine, too.”
She removed his hand from her face and stepped closer, bringing her arms around him. Orion held her close, breathing in the scent of her hair, but he couldn’t help the thought that this didn’t feel like a beginning; it felt like a goodbye.
“I wish you’d come back sooner,” she whispered against his chest before letting go and stepping out of his reach, “because my choice is myself.”
She drew a deep breath and squared her shoulders, her blue eyes steady as they found his. Her voice was suddenly calm, and every one of her next words edged itself deep into Orion’s mind.
“I am leaving. I signed my contract with the Montrose Magpies this morning.”
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