#lifeisatestimony

[bluegrayandgay]

Grief is an understatement.

#lifeisatestimony #love #reality #death #time #sorrow #peace #findhope #findjoy

[bluegrayandgay]

Left me hanging (Again)

As much as I want to laugh about it nor forget about it, I just can’t. I wonder if I deserve to be left behind without any words at all?! I wonder how many times more this will happen? I guess life is too complicated for me to at least expect decent man not to walk away just like that. I never ask for anything but at least do not leave me hanging. My mind says, “It’s okay.” My heart says, “Why? What’s wrong.”

Two different perspective. And just me continuously wondering why I am left behind without a word. I asked God why today and I end up in James 4:2,3. “You do not have because you do not ask. You do not receive because you asked wrongly.” And I realized, I never ask, I just go ahead in my own free will. Truly, life is a work in progress. So, me mending my heart? My fault. I could have ask God for a decent man. Someone who is God fearing. Someone who is led by God.

Again.. lesson learned. Ask God and be guided.

#lifeisatestimony #faith #love #trust #grace #left behind #bibleverse #hurt #let it go #letgo #life

[bluegrayandgay]

Things will be better soon. Remember that there is time for everything... #lifeisatestimony #sky #blueandwhite #cloudstagram #hope #lookup #faith #believe https://www.instagram.com/p/CRJUPnljntT/?utm_medium=tumblr

#lifeisatestimony #sky #blueandwhite #cloudstagram #hope #lookup #faith #believe

[bluegrayandgay]

I loved it when you say you love driving, traffic or not. And you hate being a passenger. I on the other hand have the opposite. I don’t drive, but I love being a passenger...traffic or not. My eyes sparkle and my stomach had butterflies when I found out about how you loves to drive months ago but to find out even traffic or not?, I have the same mantra. Traffic or not I love being in a passenger seat.

I wish to know you personally, even as acquaintance. We have a lot of common friends, meeting each other is not impossible. But the thing is, I’m trying to avoid you. My heart skipped everytime I think of bumping or meeting you. My knees get weak having the thought of coming across with you. And I feel so cold just having that thoughts. Am I insane?

Please tell me we will meet soon. I pray to God for a perfect timing. And if it is His will, I am more than happy to embrace it. ❤️❤️❤️

#wishfulthinking #lifeisatestimony #love #hope #meetingyou #passenger #driver #roadtrip #with you #faith

[bluegrayandgay]

To the ones who decided to let go.

We often give up so easily. When we find it hard, we let go. Most of the time we say “I’ve tried my best.” but reality was you haven’t. We thought that when we come to a point of hardship, we should just quit. We let go. We easily decided to just let it go. Life should be fair. You must experience comfortability and hardship in this life. But you also need to have faith to go through it all.

I also think that, the ones who let go are the ones who regret it the most. And you think you’re the one who’s much hurting. Let me tell you, you’re hurting because you chose to let go and it is fine. But to the person you let go of? Hurting is just a simple way of telling what exactly how they feel. They’ve got no choice but to let you go as well. The choice was yours.

Couple of times, I was the one they let go of. I was hurting desperately questioning myself “why?” Can’t seem to find the right answer on how he just let me go like that. Am I at fault? Am I disappointing? Did I do something wrong? Stuff like that. I was left hanging. He let go of me and after 10 years, when everything seems to be good and all. He will message and say “all this time, I am loving you.” - Crazy it might be but at one point everything flashed back. And the only thing I could say was “You let go. I was never meant for you.”

So, to you who’s deciding to let go. Do not think much of yourself. Think both ways. Do not think how hurtful it maybe for you. Think of the other person too. Pray, seek guidance. Ask God, if truly it is His will to let go. From there and only from Him, surely you will not find yourself having regrets. Because God will surely guide you, esp when you ask Him to.

And never tell someone how regretful you are, especially to the one who you let go of.

#lifeisatestimony #choices #regrets #decisions #relationships #memories #lettinggo #10 years later #love #unrequited thoughts #unrequited love

[bluegrayandgay]

Please give me a way, so I can let you go.

#lifeisatestimony #hurting #pain #silence #lettinggo #love #memories #boldness #awayfromitall #empty

[bluegrayandgay]

The General Hospital

Life is a testimony.

Life, for some normal people, takes it one step at a time. Some rush things, and some are just meant to stop and wander.

Me, on the other hand, is wanting to do something I can’t do for such a long time. I wanted to see and visit the General Hospital where I battle my sickness when I was a kid.

You see, most people who knew me (doesn’t really know me) do not have any idea that I battled Aplastic Anemia that ends up to Leukemia. Yes! I am a survivor. Yes! God gave me more chances to live this life. And yes! This has been my battle with Him on my side without me knowing.

So, to cut the story short, I’ve been wanting to see and visit the general hospital for such a long time now. But... my feet can’t take me there, they don’t want to move. My heart beats fast, feels like I am going to faint. My hands, too cold (not shaky though) that I can’t even hold a grip. My stomach makes me want to go home. I feel I’m having anxiety whenever I think of going there. My body just can’t...

I have these few memories from the general hospital. The big pillars where the ward is heading. Hospital bed where I am in together with the other sick kids. The almost spiral stairway where I used to slid and play. The back cafeteria. The blue card. The two small flat glass where they put my blood. And the door, where I see my mom looking at me, while I was crying and peeing when they did bone marrow procedure. These are the only memories I can remember after spending a year or two being in the general hospital and another eight to ten years going back and fourth for check ups.

I just can’t figure out how to face this and manage to see and visit the general hospital. Although God has given me everything I needed, I still need to pray for strenght, healing and other things this anxiety brought me. The Grace of God is sufficient and I know it will happen in time. I even pray that, if there is someone that God will use, for me to be with and visit the general hospital, I pray that it will be someone who I will be with forever as well. I want to hold his hand tight while entering the general hospital and I want to pray with him while doing this.

So, cheers to the time that I will be able to see and visit the general hospital and cheers to you whom I am praying for!

My God is your God also, who else and where else you will look for an answer? We might be in the middle of this pandemic, but our GOD is BIGGER. Pray and grow in faith, for God’s will is always good, pleasing and perfect.

#lifeisatestimony #Hope #Love #Sickfree #General #Hospital #Leukemia #Survivor #WorkinProgress #Life #Faith #GodisBigger #AplasticAnemia #Anxiety #Prayers #God’sWill #Good #Pleasing #Perfect #Time #Overcomer #Grace #MyBigGod

[bluegrayandgay]

I only wish to meet you, but I was given a dream marrying you. What will I do? How will I feel? Now I wish you have the same dream. I long to meet you and marrying you will be a dream come true. My heart goes with you, I think I am truly in love with you.

#longing #lifeisatestimony #life #dreams #hope #love #unrequited thoughts #unrequited love

[bluegrayandgay]

It feels good when you are starting to find out what you really want in life. The ones that you truly find joy with.

Life keeps on going, so are you. Make time to know your own self and be joyful with it.

Glad I’m doing it.

#BeYou #Joyful #Life #lifeisatestimony #Self #Love #Live #Glad #Hope #SelfLove #MakeTime

[bluegrayandgay]

#lifeisatestimony #memories #don’t exist #You #Love #Life #Regrets #Wish #Hopeful

[bluegrayandgay]

Stairs. My mind keeps on telling me I will meet you in the stairs where I will be able to help someone and you helping me. That stairs where I will be able to say it is nice meeting you. I pray, that time will come. But not my plans but Yours be done. I will wait. I will not stop. I will keep my faith. I’ll see you someday and I hope I will be able to say I’m fallin’ for you.

#lifeisatestimony #Love #Faith #Hope #Relationship #Fallin #Fall For You #Strangers #Hopeful #Life #MeetingYou #Stairs #IWillSeeYou #Waiting #Fruitful

[bluegrayandgay]

When You Meet Good People

Time and time again, people come and go. You don’t know who to stay and who will go. You just live day by day, hoping things will be the same at some point. You meet people along the way that somehow at the time when you meet them, you were’nt paying attention that much. Some of them, on the other hand, you have put so much effort and time to.

It is surprising to know that those people you were’nt paying attention with before are the ones who truly tried to know you, or probably I would say.. the ones who knows you better more than those people you chose to know more. How can life be throwing you things like this? Is it actually for you to regret? Is it for you to learn to value other people that’s true to you? Or it is simply because this makes you consider that consequences are actually the result of what you did? Whatever it is, I felt glad somehow along the way, there are some or few people who actually care to know me. Although, I feel a bit sad considering it is all in the past and the future dictates it happened.

To the people I chose not to pay attention with. To all of you who tried knowing me despite of me trying to runaway from that attention. To you who remembered how I was not comfortable at that time, to you who saw the beauty and sweetness in me, to you who chose me instead of anyone for extra ordinary reason... I thank you all. I may have failed to show you the love and affection that you’ve shown me, but I am very glad that you find your true happiness in life and we still became friends. To all of you... I wish I could have love you at that time. I wish I could have tried harder instead of letting you go just like that. Nevertheless, this wish ain’t going anywhere. I met few good people along the way and I honestly love that they came across. I so loved it, that I wish them all happiness today and everyday.

Love lots 💕

#People #Relationship #Chances #Circumstances #Consequences #Love #Hope #Friends #Lifeisatestimony #AlongTheWay #Journey #Thankful #Unforgettable #Past #Present #Future #Regrets

[bluegrayandgay]

I should have not asked you.

Today, I lost track of time. I can’t even work as normal as I should do. I am torn with the things running in my head. I couldn’t get a sleep thinking about it. I should not have listen to anybody. And I should not have asked you that question.

Believe it or not, I wanted to take back the moment I even think about asking you. I should not have done that. I should have thought of our relationship, of our friendship. I should have just trusted you like always, instead of asking you that question, just for the sake of my peace and the idea of conscience that someone make me feel about. Bloody two years have passed and I seriously think that this won’t matter to you? I should have never asked you that question. I am truly sorry that I offended you. It shouldn’t be that way. It should be the other way around. But here you are, telling me this and that and explain things and then my question suddenly hits you like “Why asked me this?”. I thought our understanding in this matter can meet half way. But I was wrong.

Now what? That long years of knowing you just fade away. I shut it just like that. I am heart broken as You have been my friend and having differences, culture and etc. you still chose to trust me. I am not sure how my apology will go, but I hope somehow we could meet half way and understand what’s the purpose of that question for us. My dear friend, I am truly deeply sorry. I hope you can forgive me.

#lifeisatestimony #forgiveness #apology #hopeful #life #asked #questions #trust #friendship #over #misunderstood #mihaneo

[bluegrayandgay]

To The Perfect Man I Once Knew

I was reminded about you today.

Surprisingly, I found your business card with a note at the back inviting me for a movie. I did not know up until now. 7 years later. I smiled. Remembering the time we watch that movie, I am pretty much sure you message me thinking that I might not see that note of yours. And thinking about it, you are the only man I watched a movie with. Seriously.

You came into my life probably in the most perfect time, it’s just that, I chose not to be in that right moment with you. I was a sinner and I chose to still be one 7years ago. You have the kindest heart I once knew. I am pretty much a loser not looking at you the way you wanted to pursue me that time. And I am sorry. I was in love with someone else back then, and I was falling in love with you that time as well. But I chose to be in a wrong relationship than to choose you. I lost that battle that time, the battle that I knew I will lose from the start. I was not heart broken by you, but broken by that person I chose over you.

Thinking about it, the time you left, we did not stop there. We communicate. We are friends. You in Suriname and me being in the Pacific. I thought you are just being friendly with me when we were together. Until I felt different, that I notice you and the things you are doing for me and that one moment I felt different about me asking you regarding a ring in your finger that my staff saw you wearing. And you did explain to me without hesitation and with sincerity and honesty. You wore that ring so women will definitely not ask you wether you’re married or not. You wore that ring so they can avoid you because of me.

I am sorry for not opening the path that leads us together. But I believe God has so many reasons why we ended up being friends. Two years ago, you got married. And I am very grateful we remain friends. You have been so perfect for me, that probably you deserve better. I will always be here, no matter what. My apology do not apply now, as I know how happy you are.

#once upon a time #broken #heart #fall in love #chances #happily married #love #ring on it #perfect #loser #almost but not quite #friends #movie #memories #lifeisatestimony #remembering #deserve better

[bluegrayandgay]

#lifeisatestimony #trials #fears #tears #ahead #look #embrace #see #hope #faith #lifegoeson #lookforward #life #hopeful

[bluegrayandgay]

Spare me some time, spare not a lifetime. Somehow, in some ways, find yourself a small space and let it take you in a different pace.

#lifeisatestimony #love #faith #reality #little space #time #beyou