#like honestly maybe the only time the doctor has seen a bigger picture was during the time war and even then im not sure | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mammonruinedmylife · 4 years

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Hi, could you please write for me for the brothers and undateable characters from obey me what will they do to MC who got sick because covid 19? Hehe... now i got sick because of covid 19, but i will be fine. Now just feel bored and a little lonely. Thank you

So usually I write up to 7 characters, and even though I was planning to break it into two parts, I had some free time so I wrote it all :P

Also let's say that since the brothers are demon they can't catch the disease.

The demon brothers + undateables with a MC who's infected with COVID19 (and needs a blood test)

Thank you for requesting, I hope you'll like it and you'll get better soon :)

Lucifer:

Really worried about MC, he knows how fragile human can be, and for that he'll make sure you rest and take any medication the doctors gives you

He won't hesitate to use force if needed to make them take care of themselves

For every doctor appointment, he'll be here. (maybe not in the examination room, but will still accompany MC) asking the doctor about their state, what needs to be done and so on

He'll text MC to check on them way more often now. They can expect him to send a message every 2 hours or whenever he has some free time during his hectic day

Now at some point when MC needs a blood test or some injection, he'd definitely be there if he can.

This man doesn't fear needles or blood at all. Being a demon, he even actually enjoys the sight of it, but in that context he'd take no pleasure. Especially if MC is afraid

They shouldn't even try to escape it, cause Lucifer would make absolutely sure that it is done.

Mammon:

Extra worried and dramatic

He acts like it's not a big deal but he'd be even more clingy than usual

He honestly doesn't and can't make the difference between a simple cold and coronavirus. If his human is sick, he's going to be worried anyways

I said Lucifer would text them regularly? Expect even more from Mammon. He won't directly ask how are they doing, but instead send some random messages.

MC better answer quickly or else he'll start panicking and spamming them (even maybe calling them too)

This man is hella dramatic. Even though he doesn't mind much the blood, he definitely is scared of needles. That's why MC won't get much confort from him if they are scared too, because Mammon is probably going to be more afraid than they are…

Even maybe expect him to screech when the needle enters their skin

Levi:

Attentive but not as dramatic as his older brother would be…

Or that's what he lets people think

Whenever MC coughs once or does literally anything he'd look it up on internet to know whether it is normal or not.

*furiously typing* "WHAT IS THE NORMAL AMOUNT OF SNEEZE FOR A HUMAN"

The perfect buddy if they're bedridden.

He has tons of anime/drama to watch and thousands of videos games to play with MC. If they are too tired to play though, he'd still stay by their side while playing and comment the game. Live streaming on another level.

He isn't afraid at all of needles or blood. So if MC happens to be, he'll probably laughs a bit at them

"LOL normie, you're really afraid of that?"

Probably even takes a picture secretly because their scared face is somehow cute to him

Satan:

Does intense researches about COVID and what needs to be done. Even looks for a spell or a potion that might cure it.

The man probably knows more about the disease than MC themselves

Staying in touch with Human's news on the matter, he'll want to stay informed to help MC as much as he can.

He'd incite MC to rest as much as they can if they really need to. He knows it can be quite boring so he'll keep them company whenever he is free to do so.

He'd watch some detective shows with them, or even read out loud some books

Just like Lucifer, he doesn't fear blood or needles and is probably one of the best to reassure MC if they are anxious about it.

He remains calm and composed, even though he is very careful and watching every move of the nurse / doctor

Asmo:

Somehow anxious but will never show it. Most likely not to make MC worry about it too.

I think he'd be the kind of guy to be even more cheerful and talkative when he worries, so MC will have to deal will an energetic Asmo

He'll stay with them all the time, or when he has things to do, he'll keep sending messages or sharing some posts / pictures to MC (obviously expecting an answer that'd show they are okay)

He'll become their personal esthetician, pampering them all.the.time

Like the first-born, he doesn’t mind needles or blood (usually this is even a slight turn-on, but what isn't? ) though in that context, he wouldn't be pleased to see MC worried or in discomfort.

Very tactile, he probably is holding their hand or caressing their cheek the whole time of the blood test

Beel:

Worried cutie boyo

He's probably the one who shows the most his concern

He doesn't really get what COVID is and why it is a bigger deal than a regular sickness, but for sure he knows that it has to be treated seriously

Always texts them to know if they need something or not. If MC still has some appetite, he'd be the best snack maker.

Like for real, they'd have a personal chef

Also special bodyguard. If his brothers won't leave MC alone when they're too tired, he'd yeet them out of the room as fast as they came.

Doesn't mind needles or blood in general either… He is a demon after all (and he also doesn't mind eating raw meat, so blood really isn't a problem with him)

He probably never got or saw a blood test before so he'd be even more worried about it. He'll come only if MC asks though and he'd gladly try to reassure them

Belphie:

Part of the "I worry but I'll never admit it nor show it" squad

Suddenly MC would have Belphegor napping all the time in their room

"Your bed is more comfortable than mine" he says. Come on Belphie, no need to use lame excuses. We all know you just want to keep an eye on MC

Brings all his fluffiest pillows and blankets for the best naps with them.

Honestly Belphie is the king of resting and naps. If MC becomes tired because of the illness, he is the man.

Also secretly texts Beel to come and tag along ( and to bring food as well)

His sadistic ass loves blood and needles. However, I doubt he'd truly enjoy it if MC is anxious or terrified. He'd look at the nurse with his glaring eyes that scream "Don't mess up or you'll regret it"

Diavolo:

I can imagine him using all his reputation and power to find the best doctors and healers for MC, even if their state is not that bad

He doesn't know exactly the scale of importance of the diseases for humans - so to him everything is serious, even a regular cold.

Comes to check on MC whenever he can (and whenever he ditches work) If not, he'll call them once in a while - the man is very busy and besides he's got Lucifer to keep him informed of the situation.

Makes sure to always know the results of the exams. Since he initiated the exchange program, he is responsible of their health

When they need a blood test, he'd rather let one of the brother (preferably Lucifer) go with MC, but if they ask for him, he'll make sure to clear his schedule.

Doesn't particularly care about needles or blood. Doesn't love or hates them.

I don't think blood test would be that common in the devildom, he probably has seen the procedure maybe once or twice, but that's it. That's why he'd watch carefully, standing in the corner of the room silently with his arm crossed.

Barbatros:

Most likely the one who'd bring any medication or potions they'd need

Isn't afraid or that worried. He believes his Lord will do anything he can to keep MC healthy and thay he'll manage to do so.

Very sadistic - he absolutely adores the sight and smell of blood, same for needles.

But in the context of that blood test, it'd be different of course. If he is here it'd mean either Diavolo or Lucifer asked him to attend, so he feels responsible of MC.

Watches everything with great care. He doesn't need to say a single word as his presence alone puts a lot of pressure on the nurse / doctor. They instinctively feel that they better not do something wrong, or else…

Simeon:

Regularly sends them messages to make sure they are okay. It must be difficult to be sick when you're away from home, in a world that isn't yours.

I'd like to think he has some angelic powers that can help with any pain or discomfort - even though it can't fully heal someone.

So he'd ask them whether or not they'd like his help.

He's asking Lucifer everyday about MC and if they need anything. He's honestly always willing to help.

He probably would send his notes to MC for the classes they both attend

Doesn't fear needles, but blood might make him a bit uncomfortable. However, he won't show that to MC in order not to make them feel anxious.

Luke:

Just like Mammon, he is super worried but will try not to show it at all cost (though he fails miserably)

He would probably bake a lot. First of all to deal with his own emotions and then to make a kind gesture to MC

Probably make a "Get well soon" cake

Honestly, between Beel and him - MC would be really spoiled and would be full with sweets ( good thing for their mental state, not so good for their health though…)

He absolutely hates and fears blood and needles. He might even faint watching the nurse taking blood. For both his and MC's sake it'd be better not to ask him to be there

Solomon:

Concerned, but not overly worried

Like Simeon, he'd check from time to time on them, asking if they need something or not

Also would probably know a few spells to help with the fever or anything else.

I can imagine him asking Luke to help him bake something for MC…

Let's just say Simeon and Luke found something to prevent that from happening…

Solomon doesn't fear needles or blood and is pretty much okay with both. The sorcerer doesn't fear much things in fact

If MC really has a phobia for one of these or both, he'd ask if they want him to cast some spell on them. (something that'd give the same effect as the laughing gas. I'm honestly not sure if you call it like that in English tho, forgive me 🤐)

#Obey me #obey me one master to rule them all #obey me shall we date #shall we date obey me #Shall we date #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me leviathan #obey me satan #Obey me asmodeus #obey me beelzebub #Obey me belphie #obey me diavolo #Obey me simeon #Obey me Luke #Obey me solomon #obey me headcanons

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lo-55 · 3 years

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Shattered Chains of Fate Ch. 4

Loss.jpeg

Night has fallen on Chaldeas. Though the globe still casts its red glow across the room, the doom of humanity, it’s too late and Ichigo has been awake for too long for the grief to wash across him like so many waves right now.

He’s summoned another servant today, with the help of technology and Saint Quartz and Cu Chulainn, of course. It was maybe his fault that he now had two celtic servants. One a caster with vicious loyalty but a habit of hitting on girls, and another that avoided women like the plague and followed Ichigo like the most desperate of puppies.

So now he has four servants to keep up with, and so he’s tired .

They go off to the next singularity soon. Somewhere in England, in the late nineteenth century. He should really be resting. Getting ready for the next fight. Letting Olga Marie try an fail to teach him even the simple but powerful magecraft that she and Cu specialize in.

Instead, Ichigo finds himself standing in the doorway to the Chaldeas observation room, looking not at the ominous depiction of their future, but the man standing in front of it.

Romani Archiman. Dr. Roman. His shoulders are tense and drawn and his hair is out of its usual pony tail. He looks as tired out as Ichigo feels. When no one’s watching, right now, his green eyes are dull and his humor has faded. When had he last slept? When had any of them?

Mash kept reminding him how important it was to get proper sleep, and maybe it was easier for demi-servants than it is for humans. He doesn’t know. He never thought to ask.

Ichigo comes to a stop beside him.

It is a testament to his exhaustion that Roman doesn’t even notice Ichigo enough to react until he’s been standing there for nearly a full minute. When he does he jumps, startling and in the space between breaths Roman’s demeanor shifts. His eyes crinkle with a smile and he turns to Ichigo, a dozen times more cheerful than he’d been mere seconds before. It’s a startling contrast. From one face to another in less time than it took Ichigo to even realize he’d seen him looking so serious.

Roman was not a serious man. He had a tendency to jump around and get overly excited over seemingly nothing at all. Like cake, and slacking off and a blog he’s obsessed with that is, somehow, still posting online even though the world outside is nothing more than ash and fading memory. Ichigo personally suspects that it’s a prank put together by Da Vinci.

That artist is something of nuisance.

“Ichigo!” Roman’s smile is hard to spot as a fake, when Ichigo doesn’t know to look for it. Now that it is, it’s still hard but he can see the slant to his eyes, the tiny purse of his mouth. Ichigo is no genius, but he likes to think Roman is his friend. And so he does his best to learn to read him.

“Did you need something?” Roman asks, peering curiously at him. Something under Ichigo’s skin hums and crawls. The hiding sets his teeth on edge. Maybe it's because Ichigo himself is such a straight forward person, but he doesn’t much chair for people who hide like this.

And maybe it’s hypocritical, but at the moment he, frankly, doesn’t give a shit.

“You need to sleep,” Ichigo says, his jaw set in a stubborn line.

“Oh! Ah, I just have a little more work to do here before I can do that. See, Sonya wasn’t feeling well earlier and-”

“Roman,” Ichigo grabs his elbow and watches the man jump, like he’s been shocked. He acts like no one’s ever laid a hand on him before in his life. “Go to sleep. We’re not going to a singularity tomorrow. You can afford rest.”

Still, Roman’s smile turns, tilts, like he’s confused, and this close Ichigo realizes that he’s thrumming with anxiety.

No wonder he can’t sleep.

Ichigo is not a genius. And he’s not the best at offering comfort, especially not at times like this. This is a time when they have to step up, when there is no other choice for them than to stand together, and he can’t say he’s entirely sympathetic with the doctor.

But he pulls him, by the elbow, not giving him time to argue as he manhandles him towards the hallway that leads to the dorm rooms. Most of them are empty now, their occupants frozen in cryogenic coffins. Anyone who isn't working is frozen, in fact. All of the staff that had died during the initial explosion had been dragged out, sometimes in pieces, and laid in the snow and ice outside the facility. It would preserve them for the time being. And with Ichigo around, so too were the ghosts.

It had started with Marie, but by now most of the dead staff have started to drink in his reitsu, to supplement themselves. If they take enough, they can even interact with the world around them, though it leaves Ichigo exhausted if too many do it at once. It’s like vampires, but they're eating his soul instead of drinking his blood. And in any case, it keeps the chains in the chest from eating their way up.

Marie had explained, very vaguely because her family specialized in astronomy not ghosts, that if those chains vanished entirely they would have less ghosts and more ghouls. Which was bad.

They pass twelve of them on the way to their destination.

“Ichigo, please,” Roman tries to tug his arm out of Ichigo’s hand, but out of the two of them it’s no contest who the stronger one is. “I have work-”

“You’re no good if you work yourself to death!” Ichigo snaps. He closes the door behind them with a tap to the pad on the wall and tosses Roman bodily onto the bed.

Roman scrambles to sit, blinking at their surroundings in confusion.

It’s almost the same as the last time they’d been there, during their first meeting ever. The only difference is that there’s a pair of jeans in the corner and a picture of his sisters and his mom on the desk under the window now.

“This is…”

“My room,” Ichigo finishes for him. He runs his fingers through his hair, his customary scowl in place. This was probably stupid but-

“You said you come here to relax, right? To goof off and slack on your duties. Well, relax. Marie’s still around so it’s not like you’re the acting director anymore.”

Roman gapes at him like a fish.

“But- But-”

“Shut up,” Ichigo orders tersely. He’s already second guessing his initial reaction but he wasn’t gonna leave Roman there to stare at their doom and he doesn’t have the damn poetry of words to convince him that they’ll rise above their challenges. “And go to sleep. Chaldea will be here in the morning, and so will the past.”

Roman slowly gathered his limbs together underneath him. He looks at Ichigo, confusion written across his face and it’s all Ichigo can do not to snap at him. Roman is a doctor and grown ass man. He should know better than to neglect himself.

To be fair, Goat Face is also and doctor and grown ass man, and Ichigo doesn’t trust him to so much as feed himself.

“O-kay,” Roman says at last, drawing the words out and his face finally softens, with fondness and truth. Some of the lie slips away. “Okay. But what about you, Ichigo? You need to sleep too. You’re supporting multiple servants and multiple ghosts, now.”

Ichigo hadn’t even thought about that.

He shrugs, stuffing his hands into his pockets. “I dunno. I can just sleep in a chair or something.”

“No!” Roman shakes his head. “No, that’s not acceptable. As your doctor I have to advise against it.”

“ ‘as your doctor’? What the hell kinda crap are you going on about?” Ichigo scowls deeper.

“You need to sleep, in a real bed. Honestly. We can just share.”

“Excuse me?”

“Like a sleep over in a movie!”

“... You were homeschooled, weren’t you?”

“Eh?!”

“Fine, whatever,” Ichigo was too tired to deal with this. In the morning he’ll kick himself, and maybe Roman, but for now all he can think of is turning the lights off and getting some sleep, at last.

And if it’s easier to sleep when the living are next to him and not when he’s haunted only by figurative ghosts instead of literal ones, no one will even be the wiser.

It’s not so much a house as it is a room where he can simply exist.

It’s small, single story and a basement that still smells faintly like lightning and copper and a strange magecraft. One that he can’t quite place, one that he’s never encountered before.

Ichigo doesn’t ask about the old owners and Waver Velvet, who gets pissed every time Ichigo doesn’t call him something stupid like Lord Elmeloi the fifth or whatever, hadn’t volunteered any information.

Ichigo spends a few minutes looking around. There’s a fold out couch in the living room and the kitchen is stocked with none perishables and frozen meats. The bedroom has runes carved above the door and the window, offering Ichigo a modicum of protection from what might be out there. There’s a bed big enough for his whole family and then some, and the closet has a few changes of clothes. Three suits, of all things, and a familiar mystic code.

White and black, it’s a body suit he’d been given early on. His Chaldea combat uniform.

The material feels like silk but Ichigo knows better than to think it is. It’s tough enough to hold up to arrows and fire and more than he wants to think of. He’d only taken blunt force trauma when he’d worn it. There were three spells woven into the fabric, and Ichigo wonders what it will be like to wear it again before he dismisses the idea.

Ichigo wonders just what Waver had thought Ichigo was going to be doing here, that he needed this.

He goes to the basement.

It’s bigger than he would have expected, and there are weapons lined on the walls. Spears, swords, and bows, and a range setup with dummies stuffed with straw.

There are no windows, to hide him from curious eyes. Any non-mags who finds out about magic is sentenced to death, and that is part of why Ichigo hasn’t told his family about his escapades. His wars.

Kon walks past him at the foot of the stairs. Along another wall is a shelf built into the stone foundations, filled with texts and materials that Ichigo can recognize instantly.

He’d never been good at spell work on his own, but he can use the magic equivalent of chemistry just fine. And, on top of that, after Babylonia a certain goddess had magnanimously taken time out of her ever so busy schedule to teach him the graceful art of gem magic.

Or rather, a stuck up deity who Ichigo had bribed to be his friend had taught him how to shove magic energy into rocks he could throw at people to blow them the fuck up.

Combined with the runes that Cu had spent years drilling into his head, Ichigo could survive a regular mage battle fine on his own, if he had time to prepare. And war has made him paranoid, so he starts taking stock of everything that he’d been given.

Evil bones, dragon scales, eternal gears, crystals of several types and a mystic gunpowder. A few feathers, and a jar of scarabs. Chalk, too, and strong thread that’s more like fishing line.

There’s also, definitely for the best, a fire extinguisher in the corner.

“What kinda place is this, Ichigo?” Kon finally asks. He pokes at a jar of red liquid on top of the thick desk that Ichigo has been given. It’s all and all not very personalized, but for Ichigo’s purposes it’s more than enough. Especially given that Ichigo’s purpose was to sit somewhere where his dad wasn’t. Where he didn’t have to think about the spirits or the hollows or the shinigami, however briefly that might be.

“It’s just a house, Kon. A… friend of mine owns it. Think of it as our secret hide out,” Ichigo waves his hand around, idly.

“A secret hide out huh… I get it!” Kon bounced towards him, his soft paws scuffing lightly on the concrete floor. “This is a place to bring girls!”

Ichigo snorts and punts the plushie towards the stairs. “What girl is gonna hand around a creapy basement with you, huh? What are you a serial killer?”

“More like a lady killer! Or I could be, if I just had a body to call my own. Hey, you said I could borrow yours, remember!”

“I didn’t forget. Sorry, we’ve been busy,” Ichigo steps over him and climbs back up to the totally normal looking house above, with Kon on his heels. He lets out a soft breath. It feels too warm above ground, but Ichigo opens the windows and lets the sunlight pour inside upon his skin, lets the wind pull at his hair and dance through the drapes. “I’ll let you have it tonight, okay?”

“But nothing in this town ever happens at night!” Kon whines. When Ichigo sits on the couch he climbs up to flop across his lap, pouting.

“Just try to stretch your legs, and you can have some time on the weekend, deal?”

Kon considers him suspiciously before he nods, once.

“Deal.”

They sit together in the sunlight, in the foreign house, with the spring air cooling them until his phone goes off. Rukia, of course, because work doesn’t give him much of a break.

It’s alright. Sometimes a few minutes to breath is enough.

* *

Rukia Kuchiki is not the first Shinigami that Ichigo has ever encountered.

There was another, a man who had taken to following their group around North America.

They met in 1783. He was… strange. And admittedly, it was a strange situation that they had found each other in. He’s pretty sure Shinigami don’t normally hang around Alcatraz, but what does he know? The island is infested with all sorts of monsters and guarded by one of the oldest heroes of written legend.

Beowulf. Powerful and vicious, battle hungry but not necessarily cruel. He’d even let them pass into the fortress after just a ‘test’ fight against a dragon.

They, or rather Ichigo, find the Shinigami with Sita, sitting next to her in the deepest prison of Alcatraz. Florence Nightingale is somewhere above them, charging headlong after him with Rama strapped to her back. He’s in bad shape, his curse slowly consuming his body, and Sita is their only chance to save him. Even without Beowulf the prison is crawling with dangerous creatures of all types.

Ichigo finds Sita first.

But she is not unguarded and Ichigo curses himself for leaving his servants upstairs to handle the chaos there.

Ichigo is more than capable of handling celtic soldiers, who fall beneath his vicious attacks and his steadily strengthening magic. The more he uses it the stronger it gets, and his body is adapting quickly to the strain it puts upon him. It’s only been a year or so and he can already go toe to toe with most average mages. A simple soldier with a spear is well within his abilities.

This man, Ichigo can tell with a second of inspection, is not.

He doesn’t have the same energy as a servant. And he’s dressed in clothes that aren’t celtic or american. He’s dressed like he’s from japan.

A black kosado and hakama. All black, with curly brown hair that’s nearly past his shoulders and brown eyes that almost fool Ichigo into thinking that he’s harmless.

But people are more themselves when they aren’t being watched, and this man, older than Ichigo and, he realizes, most certainly dead, has no idea he’s been seen.

He looks at Sita like she’s some kind of puzzle, like some game that he doesn’t know all the rules to. Ichigo stays a moment, and watches him watch her until Sita realizes that she has a visitor.

“Oh!”

She leans forwards on the bed, and right through the stranger, who half turns to look at Ichigo over his shoulder. He’s not interested in him though, not really. He can see it.

Roman is hiding something.

Something important, and he doesn’t know what but he does know now how to recognize when someone is hiding something. Even if it wasn’t for Roman, it’s not only heroes he’s summoned. There is an assassin class, and his heroes have their flaws. Their secrets. Each singularity is it’s own mystery and they are full of liars and tricksters and more than ever before Ichigo has a bone deep appreciation for people who are plain and true.

Ichigo crosses his arms over his chest and stares right at the ghost.

“You’re Sita, right? Rama’s wife?”

“My Lord Rama? Is he here?” she rushes to her feet, all red hair and fire the flutters like an ember on the wind. Not like Rama, who burns anything in his path if he must.

Ichigo nods, once. He lets the stranger inspect him too. There’s the smallest amount of stubble around his chin, like he hasn’t shaved in a while. And he’s armed. Saber class.

“Yes. But he’s injured. We need your help to heal him.”

Ichigo finally breaks eye contact with the ghost. He steps backwards and points his fist at the lock on the door. Sita hurries to brace herself and he shoots it off with a vicious Gandr. When he uses them on living things, he’s lucky to stun them. On inanimate objects, they blow up. He doesn’t get it, but that’s his life. Becuase fuck him, obviously.

“Yes!” Sita agrees eagerly. Her smile is equal parts soft and fierce. “If I can be of use to him, then I’ll do whatever I can.”

“Okay,” Ichigo stands away from the prison door. “Stand back,” he orders, and she steps back into the cell, against the door. The ghosts watches him raise his hand, holding up his fist at the door. The mystic code hums across his skin and he feeds his own mana into it. There’s a flash of pale blue and red and the lock explodes in shards of steel, just as they’re joined by others.

Rama comes stumbling around the corner, his fine clothes stained with blood and his body frayed at the edges. He looks bad. The hold in his chest is starting to gape and glow gold at the edges.

Ichigo hears the ghost suck in a sharp breath and he takes a step towards Rama before Ichigo cuts him off, blocking him from his friends. Sita rushes to him.

“Sita!” Rama reaches out around him and Ichigo can’t understand how he’s even on his feet. How deep does his love for his wife run? “Damn it, my vision is blurry. I can’t see anything…”

“I’m here!” Sita falls to his side as Rama collapses, finally succumbing to his festering wound. Ichigo watches, his hands clenched at his sides as Mash explains about Cu Chulainn Alter, and his Gae Bolg.

Ichigo stands back, with his Cu at his side. The caster leans on his staff, watching Sita gently stroke her husbands hair. They will never meet, and it drives pain into Ichigo’s chest on their behalf.

“Well. Fuck.” Cu says bluntly.

Ichigo snorted. “Yeah. That sums it all up pretty well.”

The ghost tries to take another step, but Ichigo catches his hand.

He spins, his brown eyes wide. “You- You can see me.”

“Well yeah. No shit,” Ichigo says aloud. Caster peers at him curiously, but Ichigo just taps the corner of his eye. A ghost, and Cu nods and leans back again. Even amongst his heroic spirits he’s an oddity. Not all of them can see ghosts. Only the ones that attack them, and more than once has Ichigo had to forcibly guide them into striking true.

Cu is a bit better. He hasn’t told him explicitly but Ichigo suspects that Scathach is somehow related to the afterlife. The land of shadows sounds like it should be full of ghosts.

Ichigo let’s go when the ghost pulls at his hand, peering at Ichigo. It’s funny, watching someone pull a metaphorical mask onto their face. This one is a kind person, someone who’s harmless, but Ichigo can still see them. He is armed and his eyes betray him, as eyes so often do.

Sharp and intelligent. Like a cat watching him.

“I suppose you do have some reitsu. But to be able to see me, is still not an easy feat.”

Ichigo frowns. “I do? It feels like all of it’s being sucked out by everyone at Chaldea…”

“Excuse me?” he blinks at Ichigo a couple of times.

“Nevermind. There’s just some people who are sucking up my reitsu so they don’t disappear, you know?”

And now even the ghost was looking at him like he’s crazy. Great. Awesome.

The glittering glow of Sita’s body dissolving interrupts them, and Ichigo turns to face his servants with a hard clench of his jaw. Rama slowly sits up, sorrow over taking his features. Even in a holy grail war, he will never meet his wife again.

“We should go,” Ichigo says quietly. “We still have to go east. We have to finish what we started. Rama, are you ready?” Ichigo goes to him, and offers him his hand. Rama takes it and stands.

“Yes. My body does not falter. I renew my vows now, Master of Chaldea. I, Rama, King of Kosala, will fight at your side. I shall not be defeated again. This I swear!” He bows his head to Ichigo, this proud, powerful king.

“Yes,” Liz steps up, a noble countess with her chin lifted and her eyes defiant. “We will win, for you our master!”

“We will rip out the root of the infection,” Nightingale agrees, smacking her hands together. Her red eyes burn with a ferocity that would make lesser men tremble.

Mash nods, shortly and firmly. “I will put my faith in Master, and follow his lead.”

“You already know that I will strike down your enemies,” Medusa adds, her long hair swaying with the promise of poisons.

“Lead the way, Master,” Cu claps his shoulder and Ichigo looks each of the mover in turn. Finally, he speaks.

“I swear I told you to use my damn name. You’re all so dramatic.”

Cu laughs at him, and Ichigo starts the long walk. From Alcatraz to Washington.

Only now they have a tag along. The ghost insists on following them along, because apparently Ichigo and the singularity is dangerous enough to warrant his attention. Which is great .

“What do I call you then,” Ichigo asks, side-eying his newest companion.

He tilts his head, sending brown waves spilling across his shoulders.

“Mmmm. Kyo,” he says after a minute.

“...That is not a real name.”

* * *

“So, your friend, the Lord, how do you know him?”

Ichigo looks up at Rukia. She’s standing over his bed that night. Chad is asleep in the corner, passed out after a study session run long.

“Who, Waver? We met a while ago.”

Ichigo scoots back on the bed, until his back is to the wall and he can sit, criss cross, looking at her. Waver had come to town earlier, on business as much as to see Ichigo. They’d talked, briefly, in front of the school earlier until Ichigo had had to rush off. Not before Waver had extracted a promise to meet up with him a few days in the future. Apparently there was some weird shit going on in town that had nothing to do with Ichigo and his friends, but was now his problem because he was a mage.

A two bit one, but still.

“How?” Rukia asks, narrowing her eyes at him if only slightly.

Ichigo considers telling her everything, but it’s a bit too much to believe.

‘I time travelled for three years trying to stop the incineration of humanity and I met him as a demi servant and his old servant because he fought for a holy grail and oh yeah did I mention i punched god?’

Yeah, no. Even shinigami didn’t go time travelling. He’d checked. It didn’t help that most shinigami were so out of touch with the living world that even three hundred years ago they didn’t know much about human magics or the goings on. Before the fall of the age of gods humans and spirits had been closer, had almost lived together. Ereshkigal had told him some of how it worked, four thousand years ago, but he’s certain things have changed. For one, she is clearly not in charge of the afterlife anymore. Which begs the question of just where she had gone.

To the reverse side of the world? Or somewhere else entirely?

“After Chaldea,” he says instead, picking over his words with as much care as he can, “After the explosion of Chaldea, their patrons, the Clock Tower in London, sent someone to see what was happening. And to take stock in the situation. Waver was the one that they sent.

“Apparently he gets the ‘problem children’ a lot.” And that was what they were, really. He and Mash, they were just teenagers. Even now. Eighteen….

Eighteen is not enough years for what he’s seen, what he’s done. For the choices he’s had to make.

“No wonder they sent him for you,” Rukia snorts at him, but there’s a smile at the corner of her mouth and Ichigo fights not to return it. Instead he scowls, as he usually does.

“Yeah, yeah,” he waves his hand dismissively at her. “I’m going to get a drink. Do you wanna come with?”

“No,” she shakes her head and he stands and leaves her in his bedroom. His dad is in the clinic. He’s been avoiding Ichigo for weeks, ever since that day in the cemetery and Ichigo is fine with that. He’s still angry.

Yuzu and Karin are up in their own room, and the lower half of the house is quiet. Ichigo pours himself some water and takes a few minutes to calm himself. Waver has him on edge, and more than that…

Something is coming. He doesn’t know what, yet, but his instincts are hissing in the back of his mind, louder and louder ever since he took Rukia’s power as his own. Something is something. Something dangerous. Something deadly. Some change he has no idea how to see or stop.

His cup is covered in a thin layer of frost.

Ichigo stares down at it.

The cold spreads across the surface, white eating over the glass. Elegant swirls of frozen leaves spread out from his finger tips.

He pours out the water and puts the cup away, trying not to think about it.

Because even with Ichigo, even with magic and ghosts and all the other shit in his life, he’s never frozen anything. He isn’t fucking Jack Frost.

He goes back upstairs, trying not to think about it, and helps Rukia rouse Chad to send him on his way home. There’s work to be done. A smarter man would ask about the ice. Would mention it to Rukia. Would wonder if the two aren’t connected.

And Ichigo is not stupid, but he’s maybe a little too used to strange things happening and learning the why at a later date.

* * * *

The acrid smell of burning flesh sears into his mind. Into his soul. Choking him, smoke curled into his lung like an ash made cat that tears claws into the soft tissue.

It’s red. Red, red, red everywhere. Fire singes along the edges of reality. The earth hovers, red and burning and doomed from the start. Doomed from babylonia, doomed from the present and the now.

Mash lays in front of him. Crushed, broken. No shield, no armor, just a dead little girl, reaching for his hand.

Yuzu and Karin are sprawled apart from eachother and they never should be, never should be, because they are twins, they were born together nothing should ever tear them apart-

Isshin. Isshin and his mother, they lie beside a river that runs with fire instead of water. Bloody, broken, staring at Ichigo.

The air shifts and the glittering shine of gold spins around him with a scream. His servants, his friends, cut down and torn apart and left only as glitter that roars their betrayal at him. At his failure. He is the master, the center of power, but he cannot fight on his own. He is powerless in the face of the hulking monster that drags itself out of the rubble to kill him.

He takes a step back, fear clogging his throat. Lahmu crawl across the broken rubble of Fuyuli, of Uruk, of Rome and London and Camelot. His foot hits something. He doesn’t look down, he doesn’t need to. Orange and green and white. White and gold and black. Romani, laid to waste.

He is helpless. Powerless. His command spells are gone and he has failed. Lost.

Fire roars at his throat and-

He’s punched in the face by the smell of perfume.

Ichigo looks up at the sky. Pale blue, a few whisps of cloud floating across it.

He drinks in air. Air that tastes like flowers instead of ashes and death.

Something soft touches his shoulder and it’s only familiarity that keeps him from lashing out.

Lavender eyes peer down at him. It’s his hand on his shoulder. His Caster.

His Merlin.

“Wha- I’m in a dream?” Ichigo sits, slowly, and Merlin helps him up. A warm hand on his shoulder and guilt in his eyes.

“Yes. I’m sorry,” Merlin shakes his head, mournfully. “I normally call you here before they can set in, but I was distracted this time…”

“Distracted,” Ichigo repeats dumbly. “Wait. So every time you’ve brought me here, it’s because I was going to have a nightmare?”

“I did tell you, once. Incubi are made of dreams. And I, as half of one, gain my sustenance out of them as well. Bad dreams are sour, so I don’t want yours to-”

“Cut the crap,” Ichigo elbows him lightly in the side. “Just tell me the truth. We’re friends and you don’t want to see me suffering.”

Merlin can only stare at him for a second. “... I always forget how brazen you are, Ichigo. You never have minced your words. You really consider me a friend, do you?”

“Of course I do! And don’t try to give me any shit about we can’t be friends because I’m human. I’m not anymore, remember. I’m a shinigami.”

“Yes, yes. And isn’t that ironic? I, unable to die, and you a creature made of death.”

“You make a bad philosopher. Stick to being a dreamer, Merlin.”

Merlin merely laughs at him, a softness in the wind, and Ichigo sits with him until the sun comes up outside his bedroom window.

* * * * *

What was with people and coming in through his window?

Ichigo stares at the man, Urahara, that is sitting on his window sill. Kon is having a minor panic attack in his arms, flailing around. Rukia has left. Vanished with only a note to tell them not to look for her and if she thinks Ichigo will listen to it, she doesn’t know him very well at all. Ichigo has never been one to abandon his friends, even if they don’t explain what’s happening or why they’re in trouble.

Ichigo will go after her, but first he needs to figure out how to turn into a shinigami again. Kon is no help, he’s too busy running around for Ichigo to dig his pill form out of his plush body. And this man…

His timing is too good. Is he some kind of clairvoyant, like Gilgamesh? Or just a man with far too many cards in his hand to play?

Whatever the case, Ichigo is strangely glad that he’s here. Without Rukia’s glove and with Kon losing his mind, Ichigo needs help to get out of his body.

“So you’ll pop me out of my body,” Ichigo says, eying his cane, “Just because Rukia is a regular customer. Is your shop really that slow?” He definitely has too much time on his hands.

“That’s right!” the man practically sings and Ichigo could swear for an instant his eyes were lavender instead of grey. He’s like a strange mix of Merlin and Da Vinci.

And isn’t that a scary thought?

“...Yeah, okay. I’d appreciate the help.”

Kisuke pushes his cane through Ichigo’s chest and he pops out the other side like a weasel.

Ichigo carefully lays his body in bed and covers it up. It’s almost two in the morning and normal humans are asleep, including his family. He picks a few small rocks out of his school bag, simple stones with straight lines carved onto them. He eyes Kisuke, still sitting in the window.

“When I get back from this, I’ve got a couple of questions for you,” he says, marching up to Kisuke, who flicks his fan out over his mouth. Only his eyes are visible and those are still hidden in shadow.

“Oh? I can’t imagine what you’d ask a simple shop keeper like me…”

“Plenty,” Ichigo says plainly. He plants his hand next to Kisuke’s head and leans over him. “But for now. Get out of my room.”

He pushes him straight out the window, and onto the lawn beneath. Ichigo figures that he’s probably tough enough to take a little tumble. He trusts Kisuke to be fine before he jumps out the window after him. He needs to get to Rukia. He can feel it. Something is happening.

His instincts hiss that he needs to move .

He follows the feeling of coolness and wind and snowflakes that he can almost see. It’s joined by another feeling, something clean and pale and just a little bit angry, thin threads that wrap together to be stronger.. Uryuu.

He needs to hurry.

Ichigo sprints across the city, pouring on his speed. Faster and faster until he swears he’s running on the wind.

He turns the corner.

Uryu on the ground, Rukia not far. Two Shinigami. Red hair and black. The red head with his sword lifted above Uryu’s head, ready to strike.

Ichigo swings his sword off his back and the streets cracks and erupts beneath the sudden force of his power. It throws the shinigami, Renji Abarai, off of his feet.

“Huh? Who are you? Who’s orders are you here on?” he barks.

Ichigo ignores him. He touches Uryu’s shoulder, making sure he’s still in one piece, and pours Mana into his human body. It should be enough to jump start his own healing process. Mana transference is about all Ichigo is good for anyhow.

“What did you…?” Uryu looks up at him, bewildered.

“Later,” Ichigo says. He blocks the blow that comes from behind, bracing himself against the ground.

“I get it,” Renji pushes down hard, his eyes wild. He feels like fire and venom and bone. “You’re the one that stole Rukia’s powers! Because of you, she’s going to be executed!”

Ichigo’s blood runs cold. Rukia. Executed? For helping him? For giving him the power to protect his friends, his family?

No. He will not allow it.

“That’s bullshit!” Ichigo throws him back, power surging through him. His own anger and the energy that Rukia has given him. Cold coursing through his veins. “Rukia was just helping, she saved us! Isn’t that what your job is?!”

“She broke the rules is what she did. What’s a few human lives to a shinigami? She should have never done that.”

A few human-

Ichigo throws himself at Renji with vicious abandon. Renji is fast but Ichigo is strong, Rukia is strong, and it’s her power that lets him swing his sword with utmost surety.

Still, it’s hard to keep up when Renji won’t shut up. Something about menos and children and then he asks Ichigo’s swords name.

He frowns and racks his brain. That feels like something he should know. On the tip of his tongue. His sword. Rukia’s sword. Does it have a name?

Renji takes his silence for ignorance and he’s not wrong.

He puts his sword in front of him and it glows faintly red. The taste of fire and bone is stronger.

“A shinigami’s zanpakuto is the true form of their soul, it’s their true power. And this is mine! Now Roar, Zabimaru!”

Ichigo watches the sword change, grow fangs and cracks. A Noble Fantasm? No, it’s much weaker. He looks at Renji, looks harder at his power. He’s strong, probably stronger than Ichigo but is he stronger than Ichigo and Rukia together? This will have to be a battle where he can’t rely on brute strength.

The sword swings and the cracks pull apart until it’s a glorified whip with teeth and Ichigo jumps back to dodge it. The stones weigh heavy in his pocket and his mind whirls. No longer a saber, no longer capable of simply attacking and slashing until he’s won.

“Give up already! You’re 2000 years too young to beat me!”

And maybe Renji would be right. Maybe he would be too much for Ichigo to handle, in another life. Maybe if he really was just a fifteen year old kid, shihakusho more green than black, he would leave him laying in a puddle of blood without breaking a sweat.

But Ichigo is not fifteen. He is eighteen and he has fought eight wars. He has ended extinction and walked the land of the dead, and demons, and stood amongst stars. He has fought and bled and killed and died, and he has done it all for his family, his friends.

And now.

Now these two are trying to take another friend. They are trying to steal Rukia, to punish her for saving him and giving him strength enough to fight.

And he will not allow it.

His temper howls, blood rushing into his ears and battle fury washes over his skin.

Beneath it, beneath that hot fire that has driven him for so much of his life there’s something else. Something cold and foreign, frost on a window pane in summertime, snow floating around a campfire.

He lunges for Renji.

Renji is forced to release his noble phantasm, his zanpakuto. It lashes out, a segmented whip that bites the pavement with terrible teeth. Ichigo takes it in stride, catches it’s glinting teeth in his own too-long blade and twirls it like spaghetti around a knife. The teeth catch and hold, Renji’s eyes go wide and Ichigo yanks him forward with his zanpakuto.

He takes one hand off his own sword and drives it into Renji’s jaw. His teeth click and blood spurts between his lips before he drops like a lead balloon.

With Renji at his feet Ichigo turns to face Rukia and the man in the white cloak. He tilts his long blade, letting Renji’s zanpakuto slide off. On the ground it glows faintly red and returns to its original form.

“Are you next then?” Ichigo asks, his voice careful and calm even as the wrold inside him rages. Plans pick up and he reads this mans strengths. He’s leagues ahead of Ichigo but even still…

Ichigo is not the type to run. He is not the type to give up. No matter that Rukia is screaming at him to. He won’t-

He twists and blocks the blow he had barely ever seen, his sword moving faster than his mind.

Surprise registers on the man’s face, muted and little more than a twist of his mouth and a twitch of his eyes. Ichigo shoves him away, but he wasn’t fast enough.

Blood seeps out of his back. The cut it shallow, it won’t slow him down but the fact remains. He got hit.

Faster, whispers a voice in the back of his head. A memory, a premonition. He blocks the next attack but only just and under the force of the drawn sword, his own begins to crack. No. No, he will not lose, not like this.

He shoves the man back and flings one of the stones at him, shooting a burst of Mana through it. The man in white has to move fast to avoid the fire that erupts in front of him.

“Ichigo?” Rukia stares at him, her mouth open. “What was that?!”

“I’m not that great at magic,” Ichigo admits, tossing another stone up and down in his hand. He never takes his eyes off of his enemy. “In fact, I wouldn’t even call myself a real mage. I’m pretty second rate at this stuff. But this much… This much I can do.”

He shoots another stone at the shinigami in front of him, who’s name he never did get, and grins when he’s forced to release his own zanpakuto. He’s glad about it, but Rukia is screaming at him.

The air fills with glittering flower petals and Ichigo tastes steel, feels the weight of ‘Duty’ and ‘Honor’ and the scent of sakura blossoms wash across his skin.

They surge at him, a tidal wave of power, danger. Each one is a blade and Ichigo cannot dodge of block them all. Even still, he will not run. He will-

Protect Rukia!

Fine.

Cold chases through his body, Rukia’s power surges. Ichigo gives his strength over to it, pours his reitsu into the sword as he once did his saber’s and the sound of bells echoes around him.

A ribbon flutters graceful in front of his face and he swings, running on instinct alone.

The wave of flower petals is stopped in its tracks. Frozen in a circle of ice that reaches towards the sky.

Ichigo is aware, from the shock on the faces of the people around him, that he’s just done something impossible. Again.

Oh well.

He turns again to the Shinigami, bringing his blade in front of him. Not his, Rukia’s. He was going to save her-

“Rikujōkōrō.”

Ichigo shouted when light, six straight rectangles of it, slammed into his stomach. He froze, unable to move. The ice shattered and the blades inside of it floated back to their master, reforming into a single sword. This time, Ichigo couldn’t block. He could do nothing as the blade pierced him twice, and the light faded.

He tried. He did. He would crawl if he had to but-

“Stay alive, for just a little longer, Ichigo. And if you follow me, I will never forgive you.”

He can recognize what she’s doing. She’s drawing the man, Byakuya, and the newly awakened Renji away from him. She is protecting him, and the helplessness is acid on his tongue.

He was left, bleeding, dying, on the streets of Karakura.

* * * * * *

#Ichigo Kurosaki #BAMF!Ichigo Kurosaki #Ichigo Kurosaki is Ritsuka Fujimaru #well sorta #romani archaman #renji abarai #byakuya kuchiki #rukia kuchiki #kyo (SCoF)#bleach #bleach fanfiction #bleach/fate grand order #Kon bleach #Merlin Fate/Grand Order

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movedkagen · 3 years

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NATSUO TODOROKI STUDY / MASTERPOST .

This is also mostly ripped from discord so if it’s choppy that’s why ---

TRIGGER WARNINGS : DOMESTIC ABUSE, CHILD ABUSE, LOSS OF A SIBLING, ANGER ISSUES, BODY PERCEPTION ISSUES.

Natsuo is loyal. Literally he loves his family so much. like between natsuo and fuyumi, fuyumi has the stronger quirk 100%. Natsuo HAS an ice quirk but he can only freeze things that fit into the palm of his hand...so all he does is make the cola nice and cold before his siblings drink it.

So Natsuo wants to be a family practice doctor and he wants to do outreach work. Pretty much his coping mechanism with being ignored and hating being home is he threw himself really hard into studies, and just did his HW all night in his room. To tune out the yelling anf the negligence. He got good enough grades where he got into University of Tokyo which is good but like basically he almost didn't go bc like.

his relationship w enji is nonexistent. He was an immediate failure in his eyes, he literally SAID enji didn't look him in the eye ever until recently....he never rly saw him or hung around him. and then like. by the time touya was starting to rly get shit / by the time he was "dead" and shouto got burned and rei got sent away natsuo was only five or so. So to Natsuo? enji was just the guy who lived in his house and ruined his life basically. he hated him. he didn't love him at all. He’s hated him since he was a small child. NATSUO WILL NEVER FORGIVE ENJI AND HAS NO DESIRE TO.

Me and Inad have discussed it but because fuyumi is the only girl, Natsuo is the true middle child. The one who was never looked at or spoken to by Enji. And FUCK ENDEAVOR STANS for saying otherwise, but natsuo ISN’T “the only child who wasn’t abused” or the one who “should be the least angry”. Negligence IS child abuse.

As a kid, Natsuo had a stutter. He acted like a baby for a long time. He was also chubby as a kid -- ate a lot to cope. He was always bigger than Touya, and it continues into adulthood --- Natsuo is now. thick / buff. He was a chubby kid growing up, but now he works out and has muscle however he still also stress eats bc premed is hard and gains like 15 pounds during the school year, then loses it during breaks. it's just the way his body is. This is relevant because Natsuo does have extremely low self esteem -- he thinks he’s very plain looking, that his body is big and awkward and ugly (I have him as growing to be 6′6″ at his full height, taller than Enji), and it all stems from Enji’s negligence. At his core, because of his father, Natsuo believes there is absolutely nothing special about him and that physically and personally he is a worthless person.

Natsuo has anger issues unfortunately (as we’ve seen) but does judo to let it out. tbh he storms out of the house a lot because he doesn’t want fuyumi to see him fucking lose it.

me and inad discussed this but but natsuo HAS put a hole in the wall before and Like he was maybe 15 when that happened. it scared the shit out of fuyumi and he felt so upset he literally like. ran away for two days and when he came back he cried rly hard and promised she would never see him lose his temper like that again, so he storms out so she doesn't see him angry. It was the summer before he started high school and as soon as he got into high school he started getting into judo and joined the club for it and that's been his outlet ever since. And whenever he storms out of the house it’s to go do that. He's ashamed of reminding her of endeavor somehow. he knows he’s got enji’s hairstyle and body type, and that contributes to why he hates his appearance so much.

The reason he never brings his S/O around his house is honestly that... he doesn’t like himself when he’s home. ppl love 2 say natsuo has the least right to be mad because enji didn't "abuse him" but don't realize negligence is abuse. it's literally classified as abuse. he was literally born thinking his dad felt he was a disappointment to the point where he didn't talk to him or let him talk to his youngest brother and it HAS an effect on him. natsuo has a lot of self perception issues, he thinks he's ugly and he panics if he doesn't do things perfectly in school and just. is very easily made to feel inferior and puts himself down. he doesn't consider himself special at all. He believes he lacks intrinsic worth as a human being.

Natsuo only went to college after his sister told him to go and do what he wanted to do…I promise you he was going to not go at all and was going to stay home with her until she told him she wanted him to go. BECAUSE natsuo doesn't rly consider enji a member of the family at all, natsuo has this goofy lil quirk where he thinks he's the "man of the house" even tho he asks fuyumi for help with basic things!!! most of the time it's funny but it's honestly just him being protective of her. And natsuo does cope with some perceptions of toxic masculinity --- he’s NOT abusive at all himself, but he’s goofy in the sense that he thinks he has to be the New man of the house, has to take care of his sister, has to never cry or show weakness, all because he’s male.

ENJI TAKES NO PART IN PAYING FOR NATSUO’S TUITION. He doesn’t even agree to go until Fuyumi insists she will use her own money to pay for it, and Natsuo works and studies because he wants to pay her back for every cent someday. Endeavor DOES NOT EVEN KNOW natsuo’s current address or which exact school he attends. natsuo wants it that way, but it’s also important to note that Enji never bothered asking.

Honestly Natsuo and Fuyumi probably argue a lot about endeavor, But that’s okay because they still love each other. Natsuo knows fuyumi puts everyone above herself and rly wants her to be happy, which is why.......frankly.....he’s glad kenta barreled into their lives. Because he’s like this is something Just For Her and I hope she likes him and it works out.

continuing on natsuo hates heroes and he hates his dad and frankly if he had a strong enough quirk he would have probably become like dabi. he really would have and he truly hates endeavor that much.

sb: so u agree with stain? natsuo: idk i just want someone to kill my dad.

Natsuo doesn't forgive endeavor, doesn't fuck with him, and blames him for everything that went wrong in his family. He honestly wants him to die! and he HATES the hero industry bc a literal monster like his father is praised and rewarded and they HELPED COVER UP TOUYA'S DEATH!!!!

and like with natsuo + touya.... time for pain. “Touya told me everything” / “I still hear his voice constantly” ... i think about those quotes always every time i think of natsuo. natsuo was the closest with touya and I truly believe that. He loved him more than anything . He really loved touya so much and he never got over losing him.

kinda like inad hcs fuyumi saw shouto in the kitchen, i think natsuo saw touya last bc the way he describes touya telling him.... natsuo is shaking when he says it like. That shit traumatized him. And he’s just so angry. He did not leave touya. They had to PRY NATSUO OFF OF HIM. Because natsuo is loyal.

like me and inad hc that fuyumi wouldn’t tell Natsuo where rei was for years because she knew even at 9 years old, he would have snuck on a bus to see her. Natsuo is so loyal to his family he loves them so much. He would have done anything for them. He wouldn’t have left Touya. He wouldn't have let touya go without him there. Not anywhere he couldn’t follow. Not even as a child.

and natsuo would NEVER be able to juxtapose that dabi isn't touya. I think the first time he saw Touya he would know but it wouldn’t be like. An instant look. He’s probably seen clips of some of the shit he’s done on tape and it’s always given him this unsettling feeling. But then he looks in his eyes...and he knows his eyes.

I always picture it like Natsuo forgetting however dangerous the surrounding is and chasing after him, he doesn’t even know why he’s running; he knows he wouldn’t stand a chance against him. But he sounds like a child again when he says “Touya?”. He sounds like the annoying, chubby little brother that followed him everywhere. And yeah, he would simply need that confirmation that Touya is alive to take his side because he knows more than fuyumi did. Simply seeing him alive again, and I think he’d know EXACTLY what Dabi wanted to do with Enji.

Dabi trying to scare Natsuo and Natsuo just “Touya cut it out talk to me” / “Touya I’m on your side” and it’s because Natsuo could never EVER see Dabi as a monster once he knows it’s Touya. I don’t think he could ever feel fear based simply on the fact that he loved him that much. Touya was his favorite sibling he followed him around like a puppy and copied everything he did.

Touya is the sibling he was closest to and i think the same in reverse since Natsuo is the one Touya vented to. I think fuyumi was probably really shocked when they were kids and Natsuo would suddenly say he hated enji. that he wished he was dead. She’d gasp and be like "Natsuo!"

But he’s HATED HIS GUTS since he was a little kid. He didn’t grow to resent him either. He basically didn’t care about him/was afraid of him when he was super super young, but the moment touya’s quirk didn’t work out and he was like what, 7-10? I’d say like 7 or 8 when shit started just Not Working. Natsuo was probably 4 or 5 when his own quirk manifested and was weak. Had this initial “why doesn’t dad like me” phase, but Touya just told him once something endeavor did to him or why his skin is starting to scar, and Natsuo instantly went from fear to hate. There was no build he simply hated him from that moment on. That’s how loyal he is!

He said he hated endeavor for the first time when he was five, but anyway i think a lot abt how natsuo like.... has the least ties w them all. That's why I say he’s a true middle child because he doesn’t have anything he’s good at that binds him to the family or makes him especially important to anyone. Like...he CARES about and loves shouto of course but i think if fuyumi weren't there natsuo wouldnt be in the picture at all. He just wouldn’t talk to them. Especially before he started talking to shouto? Absolutely. After now that he talks to him he would definitely stay to hang around him but before?

unfortunately because enji KEPT SHOUTO AWAY FROM THEM i think about how natsuo probably had what inasa felt where he saw shouto's eyes and saw endeavor and like. kept up that distance because of the trauma (tm) and i think when shouto got some friends and got out the house he tried talking to natsuo and natsuo was like "wait...me? you're...talking to me?" and like as soon as shouto started trying to talk to him he was rly receptive and was like shit i have 15 yrs of info to catch up on.

but i rly think that's their relationship bc he literally didn't even know what kinda food shouto liked until now?? but he loves himand has become instantly very protective of him and once again things that because he’s the big brother he HAS to teach him things and be his “positive figure” and frankly I think shouto feels a little thrill whenever natsuo openly shittalks their father because out of all of them natsuo IS the one who hates him the most openly.

#* HOWL » saved.#OK THIS IS THE OTHER ONE.

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wetwellie · 4 years

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Your Name AU

(because i’ve seen this movie a bajillion times and it makes me feel things and i am FEELING THINGS about zimbits rn) (It probably won’t work, but i’m gonna make it work)

Bitty is a guy who is trying to peacefully spend his last summer before heading off to college in peace.

He spends his days working his part time job at his Aunt’s produce stand.

and Baking

and playing club hockey twice a week

Fairly peaceful

and...boring as hell

Until the dreams start

Jack has just started his third year at Samwell university

he’s still broken

still anxious

still the “golden boy” --even if he doesn’t feel like hes polished and shining

but he’s making do

and making friends

just a year or two left until

until what?

graduation? getting signed?

wasting away?

Jack doesn’t know. But he’s resigned to focus on hockey and let the rest of the world pass him by

Until the dreams start

Jack wakes up and it’s too hot

He shifts to get out of bed and finds that the covers he is tearing away from his body

are not his

or Shitty’s

or any of his roommates’

also. uh

those skinny legs and short shorts are not his

his hands look different too

and his face feels different

and the voice that calls to him from downstairs is not one he knows

huh

well

weird dream

hope it’s over soon

Bitty goes downstairs to eat the next day

His parents are both fairly silent

“I see you got over whatever mood you were in yesterday, young man”

“mood?”

“it doesn’t matter.”

That’s all he gets out of them

When he drives to the produce stand his cousins run up to him smiling

“I see that you actually remembered how to drive that thing”

“What?” says Bitty

“yesterday you were all over the place. almost knocked over the stand. if you were anyone else I’d think you were drunk”

“Aunt Judy figures you might have been possessed” the other cousin says

“With a fit of stupidity”

“I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about” Bitty says

“It doesn’t matter. Just don’t ‘get lost’ or forget ‘how to drive stick’ again, Dicky” she says using finger quotes

Later in the day, Suzanne asks Bitty if he’s really feeling ok.

She was really worried about yesterday’s behavior

Bitty replies that , despite evidence on the contrary, he feels normal

They finish up some jars of jam and Bitty returns to his room for the night

There is where he finds it

Tucked under his pillow there is a note in scratchy handwriting

“Who are you?”

Bitty wakes up cold, in a bed that is too big for him

an alarm he doesn’t remember setting, or ever having, is blaring next to him

he looks to see the time

4:30 am

oh.

hell no

bitty gets up to unplug the dream alarm clock, and returns to sleep

Bitty wakes up 6 hours later with another man coming into bed with him

This man is naked

and moustached

one of those dreams? huh

never would he dream about this kind of guy though

because this guy doesn’t crawl into bed, like he thought

he wraps bitty in a burrito made out of comforters and yanks him onto the floor

“I know you needed to a break, but let the coaches know before you sleep through morning practice like that”

“practice?”

“yeah. and you’re lucky that I’m waking you up in time to go to your 11am.”

“but it’s summer”

naked moustache man just looks at him and rolls his eyes

“we’ll grab lunch after class”

“Wait!”

“What”

“...where is my class?”

Jack wakes up the next day

and is dragged to the doctor to test for a possible concussion

“the things you were saying and doing yesterday were crazy”

“you skipped morning practice”

“After class you threw down your notes and said you’d never major in History”

“You baked seven as an apology for skipping morning practice”

“And then you dropped into fetal position in afternoon practice when Ollie was about to check you”

“And you took, i don’t know, 7000 selfies of yourself and called yourself handsome”

“have you ever taken a selfie before in your life?”

jack just shakes his head

“yeah. like i said you’re getting checked for a concussion”

Did I hit my head? , Jack asks

“no. but it can’t be” Shitty pauses “It wouldn’t be your other thing would it?”

I don’t think so he says.

Jack has never really had memory problems. and his anxiety and panic never particularly affected him in the way described

faintly, he recalls a young boy at one of his games right before the draft, voice broken as he says “Jack, don’t you remember me?”

it leaves his mind as quickly as it entered

because he had bigger problems to figure out

namely how he had new entries on the journal on his phone

it was a summary of all of the things that “Jack” did the previous day

“Thanks for a long day of being a Big Shot on campus, handsome!”

signed Eric

Eric??

Who the hell is Eric?

it happens again

Jack spends a day as bitty

and Bitty spends a day as Jack

and they wake up not remembering too much about what happens

the only thing that cements that it’s not just a weird dream is that

well...real life consequences

Jack becomes a lot more...spinny and less up for contact when he plays hockey

and ends up enjoying time with his teammates a lot more

and has a huge country dialect now

and one time someone came up to him speaking french and jack had no idea what was going on???

and he smiles sometimes???

and at the end of the day he’s almost always on his phone typing away

Bitty is able to kick ass into gear with hockey

but can’t bake worth shit

honestly, suzanne hasn’t seen anything of that quality since bitty was seven

AND he had to check a recipe

also, he’s started to bike to work

driving stick is impossible

he’s very serious on some days

he spends his evenings watching history documentaries and writing in a journal

Well. It seems like this is just gonna be life for a while, they both figure

best set up some rules

Bitty, as Jack, is NOT ALLOWED TO DITCH CLASSES

no use of the word y’all

no beyonce

no short shorts

don’t drop like a brick when someone comes to check you

seriously Eric it’s fine

Eric it’s my body that would get hurt don’t worry

also please don’t drink or use drugs in my body

it’s a long story but again

it’s my body

Jack-as-Bitty is asked to be polite to his friends and customers

and please never bake anything ever

don’t leave the house dressed like some weird clothing outlet exploded

if you yell at my teammates i swear to god, mr. zimmermann.

don’t disrespect senor bun

or anyone

stop frowning so much, even Coach has asked me about it and i don’t know what to say

don’t watch stuff on my netflix account. your history documentaries are messing up my recommendations

Despite the rules

They find ways to keep bothering each other

But also trying to make each other better

As captains of each others teams, both teams are able to benefit from their guidance

Bitty’s team gets a lot stronger technically

but kind of hate how much of a hardass Bitty is 3 times a week

The SMH is more in synch with each other than ever

and Bitty is able to help out a lot more

But Jack ends up having to put a lot of money in the sin bin for

‘acting off’

Jack is very upset to find a picture of himself in the swallow, sitting on the roof of the Haus shirtless and wearing short shorts chilling

what the fuck Eric

But they get a little routine down, and nothing changes except for minor nuisances

so whatever

It all works good until one day, while Jack and Suzanne are bonding over making jam, Suzanne looks Jack right in the eyes and says

“oh...you’re not my dicky. you’re dreaming aren’t you?”

Jack snaps awake in his bed

not Eric’s bed. His bed

Huh. weird.

He goes to check his phone and of course, there is a long journal entry left over from the day he didn’t get

It’s all mostly ok until he gets to the end

“It looks like your first big hockey game is tomorrow night! Be sure to have fun. Enjoy it!”

“There’s a comet tonight for me. I’ll take lots of pictures so that you can see it next time we ...do whatever we do”

Jack and the SMH win the game. and he actually tries to have fun. but the only person he wants to celebrate with is

well

he’s in georgia

bUT

Jack has a phone

He dials bitty’s cellphone number that has been saved in his contact

his heart is beating quite fast.

and then he hears

“We’re sorry. The number you have dialed is no longer in service”

Jack stops switching after that

He should be relieved. overjoyed

but he’s not

he doesn’t miss the humidity

or the dirt roads

or the bugs

but he does miss something

and he’s forgetting all about it

so he tries searching online for the town

the town he can’t remember the name of

he doesn’t want to forget, so he starts drawing sketches of what he remembers

they’re not bad

pretty darn good, even

Not as good as Lardo’s, but she’s still abroad

He tries to call Eric’s number a couple more times. He gets the same results

Jack can’t take it anymore

During the winter break, Jack flies down to Georgia for a weekend, rents a car, and drives himself in the general area he remembers the town

he stops locals and shows them sketches

“is there any town nearby that looks like this?”

they all respond in the negative

he does this for hours

the sun is starting to set when he resigns to give up

he pulls into a diner in the town he’s in, orders, and looks at his sketches again

maybe it’s possible that the town isn’t...even real?

it really could have just been his dreams

that is what he thinks when the server returns with some water

“Hey. that’s a pretty good picture of Godfrey”

“Godfrey?”

“Yeah. I grew up there.” he says looking a bit sad

“Can you tell me how to get there?”

The server pauses and gives Jack a mourned, but puzzled look “ it was about a 15 minute drive from here but-”

“it was?”

“you didn’t hear about what happened?”

Jack shakes his head.

“If you don’t mind,I’ll take you to it after you finish your dinner”

It’s all gone.

Oh God.

Everything from the small ice cream shop to the old creek where Bitty’s cousins would hang around

It’s all rubble

and mounds of dirt

Literal miles

Jack can’t breathe

he can’t

breathe

just breathe

just

breat--

#au #a shitty au #omgcp #check please #it's really nothing like the story except for the couple of major plot points #because honestly how could i bring in ancient forgotten japanese concepts into an american context #fic #wipitgood

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kunderdogs · 4 years

Text

KNK As Dads

Thank you to the anon who requested it! I know it’s kind of sloppy but I hope you like it! :)

I tried to keep them all the same length but it’s hard to tell lol

Jihun

When you tell him you’re pregnant, he will fall on the floor

SO DRAMATIC

“WE WERE SO CAREFUL? OMG MY MOM WILL BE SO HAPPY!”

Buys five yards of bubble wrap to “baby proof the house”

You have to explain to him that’s not how it goes

He’ll ready every parenting book like ever

“Did you know that babies have nails in the womb?!”

“Please...it’s three in the morning...Go to sleep, Jihun.”

So affectionate

Wants to cuddle with your belly all the time

“Sorry babe, you’re my number two now. She’s my number one love.”

As soon as his daughter is born, he’s bawling

Uncontrollably

The docs have to calm him down because they’re afraid he’ll start hyperventilating.

Will not let her leave his sight for the first few months

Will be soooo dramatic when she learns to walk though

Bouncing off the walls when she takes her first step

“BABE OH MY GOD DID YOU- DID YOU SEEEEEE HER?? SHE TOOK HER FIRST STEP. GET THE C A M E R A!”

Made her a college fund when she was 5 days old

“It’s never too soon to start saving for college.”

Hogs all the baby time

Wants to feed her

Refuses to let anyone except you and him hold her until she’s maybe four months

Calls the other members her “weird Uncles”

Proudly announces to everyone her first words were “Dada” even though you were pretty sure she burped

At nights, he’ll sleep in her nursery

He’ll grow out of that habit around when she enters school

As she gets older, he’s always supportive

Definitely wants her to try singing

Knows she’ll sound like an angel

Wants her to do whatever she wants in life

Wants a lot of kids because he loves to spend time with them

Literally she’s his princess

The type of dad to have tea parties just cause his daughter loved them

“Tea party? Only if I can wear the purple tiara this time.”

Glares at any little boy that shows an interest in her

“EXCUSE ME. Keep your hands to yourself, thankyouverymuch.”

“Dad, I’m twenty and this is my boyfriend.”

“boYFRIEND?! You’re grounded, young lady. No dating until you’re married.”

Seoham

Panic

“What- you’re-?! !!!!”

Faints when you tell him you’re pregnant

Once he comes to, he’ll start crying

Very emotional the entire pregnancy

Even more so than you are

Experiences pregnancy sympathy pains

Has morning sickness right with you

You’re spending the majority of the first trimester taking care of him

He’s always apologizing lmao

As you get bigger, he’s in awe

Cannot believe he’s going to be a dad

Will always look at you like you’re the most beautiful thing in the world

Tearfully tells you he loves you at random times

And then you cry too cause the damn hormones

The member to gush to his fans about your new baby

(on VLIVE) “If it’s a girl, what name should we give it? Tinkerbell always has good ideas and suggestions...Boy name suggestions too!”

Will try to get you to quit your job when you get to 7 months

Is so nervous for the delivery

Coaching and holding your hand the WHOLE TIME

He’ll be your voice to your doctors (we love a king)

Crying as soon as he sees your son’s full head of hair

“You did it, baby, oh wow. He’s so beautiful. You did so well, love. I love you so much.”

Is a mESS

“Mommmm~ He’s healthy T-T come as soon as you can.” Sobs

Glares at anyone who tries to take your son from your arms

Will 100% give the doctors a hard time if his son is crying for “too long”

As he gets older, Seoham is the perfect father.

Loving, caring, and stern when he needs to be

But he’s sooooo soft

Hates to discipline him but knows he needs the correction

The type of dad to watch with love in his eyes as his child is running around the yard.

Threatens the members not to show him any bad words/actions

Reads and sleeps with his son (even tho his long body cannot fit on the red car bed)

Cries at almost every milestone (walking, talking, eating solid food, first hair cut, first day of school)

“He’s just growing up so fast, babe. Soon, he’ll be married and having kids of his own. What am I going to do then?”

“Seoham, this is his third birthday party...Get it together, baby.”

Not going to push his child into anything but encourages him to find hobbies or sports his likes

If your son likes sports, he’s at every. single. event. Practice, games, any of it

Records all the games and when he goes to college, he’ll make a highlight reel

Inseong

When you tell him, you’re pregnant, he won’t believe you

Not to mean you’re a liar

But he just cannot grasp it rn

“Ha ha, very funny, babe. I know you’re on the pill.”

Once you hand him the pregnancy stick, he’s all

O_O “o-oh shit”

Needs to sit down cause he’s lightheaded

Doesn’t want to show you but he’s scared outta his mind rn

Smiles nervously

As time goes on and you start to show, it’ll finally become real to him

He’ll cry that night when you feel the baby moving and put his hand on your belly

Will hide all his worries and concerns from you and instead will ask the members

Eventually he’ll speak to you about how nervous he is but he reassures you he wants a baby with you

He’ll feel better after talking to you

Very gentle with you when you’re pregnant and will get you any cravings you need

Schedules regular massages for you so you’re comfortable

Literally has hearts in his eyes when he sees how big you get in the last trimester

Doesn’t care what gender your baby is, just wants it healthy

Soft smiles and kisses when the doctor hands you a chubby baby boy

He’s crying but trying to put on a strong front for you

Wants to be your strength but eventually breaks down when he takes a step back and sees how you look at your son in your arms

“The most beautiful view I’ve ever seen...”

Fully bawling when you ask him if he wants to hold his son

Won’t stop calling the child “my son”

Taking pictures and videos of everything

Soccer dad FOR SURE

Has snacks and juice ON DECK 24/7

Supports their kid no matter what though

Hates to be the one to discipline and will even leave when you’re scolding your son

Screaming at the top of his lungs when he learns anything new

“HE COUNTED TO 10 OH MY GOD HEEJUN DID YOU HEARRRR THAT”

Affectionate :))))

Will pout if his son doesn’t want to give him kisses when he leaves for work

Dongwon

So so so so happy

Smiling so wide when you surprise him with baby converse.

“You’re not joking? You’re really pregnant? We’re having a baby?”

“I’m going to be a dad?”

Literally so excited!!!!

He gets to have a family with the love of his life!!

Immediately tells all his family and friends once he gets the okay from your doctor

Plans a gender reveal party and is wearing a pink shirt because he wants a lil princess to spoil.

Wouldn’t mind a boy, but wants to experience the “daddy/daughter” bond

RUNNING UP AND DOWN YOUR STREET WHEN HE FINDS OUT YOU”RE HAVING TWIN GIRLS (like on maury)

!!!!!! You’re like 0-O “does this say TWINS?!”

Feels like he hit the jackpot

Kisses you all over, hugging you gently and when you pull back, you can see tears in his eyes.

“I love you. Thank you for giving me two babies.”

He’s very sappy the entire pregnancy

“How’s my girls doing? Need anything, mama? Come here, I’ll rub your feet, baby.”

Takes you on a baby moon to wherever you wanna go just to pamper you before you give birth

Anything you want, he will give you

You could tell him your phone speaker wasn’t working and he’ll go out and get you a whole new phone

Watches you with hearts in his eyes as you sleep

Unfortunately, you can’t give birth naturally due to labor taking too long so the doctors have to preform a c-section.

A mess of nerves and tension as he holds your hand in the operating room

When he hears two cries, he nearly collapses next to you in relief. “You did amazing, love.”

Crying as he watches the doctors put both little girls on your chest

He strokes one of the twins tiny head, lips trembling as she softly cries out

“I never thought my heart could beat outside of my body.”

100% the overprotective dad

Down to play any girly games for them

Brings them to sporting events against their will

N O BOYS E V E R !!!!

NO EXCEPTIONS!!!!

ok maybe if they’re knk fans

MAYBE

Heejun

Terrified at first

Heejun is young (my age lol) so I feel like he wouldn’t particularly want kids until he’s in his late twenties-early thirties

He warms up to the idea of a child quickly because he LOVES kids

ESPECIALLY if it’s his with the love of his life

Not one to keep it a secret

He’ll call everyone in his life and give them the news

lowkey wants a boy because he doesn’t know if he can relate to a girl

But honestly as long as the baby is healthy, he’s over the moon

When he does find out it’s a boy, he’s buying matching clothes for him and his son

Tells everyone “I’m having a son T-T”

Is usually composed during the pregnancy - wide smiles and cheerful expressions

Will get you anything you want, no questions asks

(He’ll complain to the boys that your cravings are weird as hell tho. Who eats cheetos with peanut butter and power-aid? Disgusting)

Won’t ever say anything negative because he wants his child to grow up in a positive environment

Refuses any help in building or assembling any of the baby furniture or toys

“I have to do this. I’m a dad now. Dads build things.”

Only cries when he’s able to hold his son, wrapped up tightly like a burrito in the hospital.

You’d be passed out on the bed with the nurses busy by you, and he’d just sit with your son in his arms, tears flowing freely with a smile on his face.

“Hey little one, I’m your daddy.”

IN LOVEEEEE

YOUR SON CAN DO NO WRONG TO HIM

He’s a precious angel, even when he turns two and terrorizes literally everyone and everything in your house

Wants only the best for your son so he’ll make food and turn into a chef pretty quickly.

Eventually when your son shows how picky he really is, Heejun will give in and give him chicken nuggets

Play fights with him all the time

You still don’t know which one broke the bathroom window and they refuse to tell on the other

Very proud of his son’s accomplishments and will praise him for every little thing he can

Bribes him with popsicles and ice cream to get him potty trained

It worked so you couldn’t say much lol

His kid is his ride or die

Nothing will ever get between him and his son

Wants your son to be better than he is - and will push him to do well in school, all the way up to college

When you have a daughter, him and your son are full on body guard mode

“Hands off the models.” He says to Inseong as the older one plays with your daughter.

“PRECIOUS CARGO COMING THRU.”

“Ten feet distance at all times, thank you.”

#knk #keunakeun #kim jihun #park seoham #jeong inseong #lee dongwon #oh heejun #knk reaction #knk scenario #kpop #kpop reaction #kpop scenario

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aonrivers · 4 years

Text

Pregnancy, Birth, Postpartum, and Baby Time! (TMI warning) - Part 01

Recently I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. For nine months I read articles and expectations of things to happen and to come, but honestly nothing prepared me for the truth of it all. Sure my friends told me some stuff, but nothing like what I experienced.

I’ve decided to write the nitty gritty of it all along with tips for new moms that I wish I had too. This is going to be major TMI, but when you've given birth, nothing seems like TMI anymore - especially because in the labor room you've got about ten people you've never met before (yes, even your doctor) staring at your asshole and your crotch. With introductions out of the way, are you ready? Here we go!

Part 1 of IDK how many...

Truths about being pregnant:

1) First and foremost... Officially remove negative people in your life the moment that stick says positive. This is Tip #1. I planned on doing this for months before I got pregnant but being pregnant pushed me to do it sooner. I was tired of being stressed out and having negative things told me by certain people in my life and I wasn't going to have it continue during one of the most stressful and most beautiful times of my life. I closed the door on many friendships during my first few weeks and even though it still bugs me that I had to do it, I'm glad I did and recommend others to do the same (even when you aren't pregnant). 2) Tip #2 I can offer is either before or during your pregnancy, plan a vacation. I was on vacation when I got pregnant and planned a trip with my best friend when I hit mid third trimester (would've been sooner but 2020 was a hellish year for the world). 3) I bought a belly book after a few weeks of finding out I was pregnant. My friend recommended it and it was really cool to document every week and my thoughts and post my belly bump pictures, but then second trimester hit and the book was wrong... I ignored it until the third trimester hit and it was wrong again. What was wrong with it? They claimed my trimesters started in certain weeks that were 2-3 weeks off. I Googled my trimesters and checked multiple sites - the book was wrong. So I finally said screw it and created my own. I bought a scrapbook (use a Michael's coupon, that shit is expensive) and I began to craft my own book. 4) A huge suggestion: take those belly bump pictures!! It sounds silly but it's super cool to have. Not only do you get to see your belly growing, but you can put those pictures in your scrapbook like I did. I took the same pose in the same place every Friday. Then I found a really cool app that you could put words on your images and ended up doing that for my Instagram posts. 5) My 3rd tip is make sure you have a really good relationship with your doctor and they believe in the same things you do. I think this is important because I wasn't happy with the thought of being pregnant with my normal doctor then I ended up not being happy half the time with the doctors I went to while pregnant. I wish I had that doctor patient relationship you think every pregnant lady has. I kind of had that with my crazy, beady-eyed doctor I had seen for thirteen years, but when it came time to have a child, she just didn't align with me. She was pro everything I'm not and became a little too radical for me. Be who you wanna be, believe and think what you wanna believe and think, but don't push that shit on me - and that's the direction she started going. So in the end, I left her and went with my friend's doctor... Who happened to have 5+ doctors and a midwife.... Midwife was cool and maybe two of the doctors, but the rest I wasn't a fan of. I didn't even know the doctor who I gave birth with and it was very impersonal with the doctors I saw during the checkups. For example: one doctor would come in, glance at me, talk to me while staring at the computer screen, then leave. I also didn't get ultrasounds done with them, only heartbeat checks. It just wasn't a journey with them like I thought it would be and should've had. Now speaking of those sweet black and white first photos... 6) Sonograms are beautiful things to have. I got a nice picture frame for my second trimester image and have it on my dresser with a cute doll and my childhood music box. Treasure these little pictures. Take pictures of them to keep and reprint because the ink will fade on the ones the tech gives you, but for the love of God, hide your personal information when you post them. Sonograms say your name and birthdate, along with where you got the picture taken then more information on your child. It irks me to no end when people post this online. Especially on Twitter, which is a public forum. Shit. I didn't even post that on my private Instagram. 7) Next Tip: Call insurance to confirm multiple things, such as: what's covered during pregnancy/hospital stay/postpartum, if the hospital is covered, and if your Pediatrician is in network. Just because the office says "yes we take Aetna/UHC" doesn't mean they're in network. 8) Something that I will be telling everyone I know who is pregnant (which honestly isn't many) is scourge the internet for those pregnancy sites. Most sites and stores offer sample boxes. If you start a registry, they send you one too. Try: Amazon, Babylist, BuyBuyBaby, Walmart, Target... The list goes on. Check What To Expect's website for a list of all the sample box sites. I got about ten boxes that all had great stuff inside: bottles, pacifiers, breast milk pouches, diapers, lotion/shampoo samples, wipes, pads, and a few other smaller things. I honestly haven't used any of it, but plan to soon. 9) A great tip my friend told me was to go on those breast pump sites and check to see if your insurance is covered. My insurance ended up covering up to $300 for a breast pump. Of course I went with a $300 breast pump and paid an extra $30 out of pocket to have a few more parts included in my purchase. It was a great idea and is highly recommended for new moms to take advantage of! (I went with Spectra for a few reasons... It's definitely quieter than the Medela pump (the hospital had this one), and there's a nifty nightlight on the pump handle with two settings. It's super useful and I actually use the nightlight feature every night...) 10) Another great tip is to make that baby registry and share it!! People you don't expect will buy stuff. I used Amazon and got a bunch of perks. After my shower, I bought the rest of my stuff with the discounts Amazon offers. It was 2 bulk orders where both had 15% off entire order. I also get discounts on diapers for a year or, I think, the equivalent of $600 spent. Both perks were extremely helpful. 11) FYI, pregnancy is ten months, not nine. They tell you this in articles on The Bump and What To Expect, but I figured I'd say it anyways. 12) You won't miss your period during this time. I sure don't. 21 years so far is long enough for me. 13) The nausea is real and it sucks. It gets to the point where you don't wanna try for baby number two because you're just so over it after being sick for three months straight. 14) Nausea doesn't mean you're hanging over the toilet bowl throwing up the only food that doesn't make you sick. You can just have that knot in your throat all day that's teasing you about having to throw up. Not fun. 15) Being tired is also real and I have no idea how working moms-to-be do it. I work from home, so taking power naps was easy to do. Most of the time, I couldn't keep my eyes open. And it took about three months to find out why... (see next number) 16) YOU'RE NOT ONLY GROWING A HUMAN INSIDE YOU BUT A FREAKING ORGAN TOO!! That's right folks. The placenta isn't just chilling inside you waiting for the day you get pregnant. It's growing right alongside your little baby, taking your nutrients and energy so it can form and power up your little embryo/fetus. 17) If you're a vivid dreamer like me, the dreams are definitely weird. They tell you this, but for me, my dream self becomes pregnant too. I literally went through my dreamworlds pregnant. 18) Boobs hurting is an understatement. My boobs hurt so badly from the hormones and getting ready for milk that I didn't even wanna touch them when I was showering. 19) Your boobs become hideous. I have small breast - a nearly A has been my measurement in the past, but becoming pregnant, I became a large B - probably going into a small C cup. And not only did the boob itself get bigger and veinier, but the nipples got bigger and darker (confirmed by my friends, doctor, and websites that women experience this change). I honestly don't recognize my boobs anymore. I also don't even know why I wanted bigger boobs growing up. They suck. It's not the backaches (I didn't have any while pregnant, surprisingly), it's the fact that when you sleep on your side, that boob gets crushed and goes numb. 20) Boobs leak as they start forming that first collection of milk aka colostrum. So be aware. Being braless is great but those milk stains aren't cute. And it's not like a normal wet spot either where your nipples are. It's a wet stain with a milky ring around it making it totally unattractive. 21) Your nipples will become numb aka no stimulation. At least for me. My nipples are still numb but I guess it goes without saying why (think about it). 22) On websites, they will tell you that your cervix swells and some women enjoy sex more with their new closed off vagina, but not for me. It hurt to do anything down there. My husband and I had one position available and when the bump got bigger, we became celibate. And boy does the guilt take over... So expect this to happen - you're not alone if it does. 23) Your sex drive may be gone. As I said above, I swelled up down there and it was very painful having sex. With that, the sex drive was killed. My poor hubby suffered through these nine months and continued to suffer after birth because- well I'll get to why suffering continues after birth later. 24) Craving food may not happen for you. I didn't crave anything unusual. The only thing I ate on a daily basis were two English muffins with butter. On weekly basis I had three scrambled eggs on those two English muffins. This occurred maybe 2-3 times a week. Other than that, my "cravings" were the same. I wanted Taco Bell and all the other normal stuff I ate when not pregnant. 25) Paranoia for what you're eating will definitely hit you. Guilt will too. Paranoia because you're checking Google to see if you were allowed to eat that pasta with garlic sauce; and guilt because you're eating crappy junk food and feel like you're depriving your baby of nutrients. But like my friend told me, your body provides the baby what it needs and to stop being paranoid. Also those prenatals pack a punch in vitamins. 26) This isn't really nitty gritty or a tip... it's just something I personally did while pregnant and that was - I stayed away from the foods they tell you to like the high mercury fish and cold cuts, but I ate hot dogs and medium cooked beef. But those meats were cooked 170°+ which they recommend if you wanna eat your normal foods. You can also eat cold cuts but it's highly recommended they're warmed up. These meats contain listeria which is something we can defeat by ourselves but our little babies in the womb have difficulty in doing. Another thing I did in regards to food was I stayed away from foods I was allowed to eat but made me sick when I wasn't pregnant. I just didn't want to deal with the sickness. 27) Sleep however tf you want to sleep and that's exactly what I did. Sleeping on my side is not something I do when not pregnant and certainly didn't happen while pregnant. That is, not until the last month or two. I'll elaborate... I'm a back sleeper. I slept on my back and felt my baby every night tucking into one side of my belly because it was comfortable for her. It wasn't until those last months where the weight of my baby was actually pushing on my spine and yes you can feel it. It's a heavy pain that forces you to side sleep. 28) Those pregnancy pillows are shit. Seriously. They're bulky and annoying. My friend bought me a super nice one that went under the head, down the back, and cupped between the legs and I used it for five minutes. I'll find use for it one of these days - maybe gift it to my friend who is due in April - but right now it's just taking up space downstairs. I tried the slanted pillow for my belly. That lasted a month. What did it for me was that silly "As Seen On TV" pillow. It's that white, guitar pick looking pillow you shove between your knees to keep your legs leveled and your spine straight. That's literally the only pillow that helped me when my belly got huge. My bed worked out in my favor cupping my bump. 29) Being pregnant in the summer isn't that bad. Granted I had AC/Central Air the entire time. But seriously... You know why it also wasn't so bad? I could wear tank tops and dresses. Those were my maternity clothes. I bought maternity leggings for $4 when Kohl's had them on sale. They sucked. The belly piece went over the belly nicely, but the back road my back fat in a very uncomfortable way (and I don't really have back fat). Also, flip flops were my Godsend. When my feet swelled, flip flops were all I wore. Can't do that in the colder months! 30) I basically became a heater. Probably because I gained 4lbs of blood and water and a baby and whatever else was going on in my body. I normally sleep with a fleece blanket and a comforter; even in the summer. I could only use my fleece blanket while pregnant. I was surprisingly warm enough. Which leads me to the next sleeping factor... 31) Sleeping naked was a must. Here's why... Besides being hot all the time, waistbands hurt me and shirts bugged the crap outta my body. 32) Being commando all the time was a must. It was super nice being commando. I didn't have to worry about a period making a grand entrance and the waistband and around my thighs weren't hurting. 33) A nice buying tip: the baby grows super fast. And if your baby is born in the fall or winter, chances are the stores only have summer clothes. So make sure you get those larger outfits for the months to come! 34) Ask for larger clothes for that baby shower. It'll help down the road. 35) Shaving stops when you can no longer see down there and when you can no longer bend comfortably to shave your legs. Of course that didn't stop me before I went to the hospital. I cleaned up the best I could from the belly button down, but still managed to miss that one spot on my damn kneecap! 36) Back to baby... Flutters start being felt really early. Feels like gas but it's the baby. They say 16 weeks but I was feeling the flutters at 12 weeks. After the flutters came the kicks and jabs, and the constant wondering if I had a mini Mike Tyson in my belly. Especially when my belly would convulse like she was using my organs as a punching bag. I came across only one random article that explained what that was... Hiccups. Yes, the baby gets hiccups in utero and if your baby is like mine, the damn things continue outside the womb annoying your little bundle of joy like your own hiccups annoy you. 37) Sometimes you'll panic when you don't feel the baby moving much. Babies in the womb still need sleep I was told. If you get no movement at all within 24 hours no matter what you do then definitely call your doctor. (Your doctor should tell you this during a visit.) 38) I was told this: babies hear you and mostly everything around you outside the womb. This is true. My baby would move from her comfy right side to the left just to get closer to where my husband was talking to her. 39) Third trimester is when everything starts getting real, possibly painful, and definitely the feeling of "I'm over this". They mention this on those websites and they're not joking. 40) Every night I popped two tums just to keep the acid reflux down and the heartburn away. They say major heartburn means you've got a hairy baby and they weren't kidding (more on this later). 41) Waddling actually does occur. At first I felt like I was just doing it because I'm pregnant and subconsciously I'm making fun of pregnant ladies you see in movies. But you really do waddle and wonder if your walk will ever be the same again. (Spoiler: it does.) 42) My feet and legs swelled by my 8th month. They were slowly swelling into the third trimester but it was super noticeable towards the end. But I also ran into a health issue which I'll get to later... The swelling actually hurts. It feels like you're walking on water bags and on top of that, the bottom of your feet feel like you walked all of Disney World nonstop for a week straight. Do yourself a favor and put your feet up and rest. I hardly did this. I just had so much stuff I wanted to get done and I don't like asking for help, so I did everything myself until it got to the point where my husband or mother-in-law were yelling at me. 43) Getting a cold while pregnant sucks. Coughing and blowing your nose is kind of hard because you start to worry that your upsetting your baby. Plus, now you gotta think about medicine. What's safe and should you even bother... Luckily your doctor gives a list of safe medications. 44) Swelling in the feet could be something completely different than just the normal "things to expect in your third trimester" so be aware and prepared for problems that can arise that you weren't expecting. Like what happened to me. Even though those monthly appointments turned weekly get annoying, especially when you gotta drive thirty minutes to your appointments, they're not pointless. In week 38 I had protein in my urine and my blood pressure was high. The protein was not a UTI like what I got when I conceived back in December. That protein was a glimpse into something pretty scary if not caught early during pregnancy. It's called pre-eclampsia. Luckily I was two weeks out from my due date so inducing me wasn't too big of an issue. My baby was fully grown. Only way to get rid of pre-eclampsia is to remove the placenta - hence the early birth of my baby. But some mom's aren't this lucky and lemme tell you something. This was something that was never brought up to me during my doctor visits or on the websites I visited. They don't tell you that pre-eclampsia can happen at any point or that it could come back, and possibly worse, in your next pregnancies until you've been tested positive for it. I was in the hospital for five days after giving birth. My kidneys, heart, and platelets were all affected. Thank God I'm cleared now, but knowing about this ahead of time would've been nice. I could've looked for signs which were massive swelling in legs and feet (luckily I had no headaches or blurry vision). But like I said, I was tested positive late in the game. Some mother's aren't. Part 02 will go into labor and the TMI things that go on when you're admitted into the hospital.

#pregnancy #birth #nitty gritty #blog #post #postpartum #childbirth #child #mother #new mother #mom to be

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irondadgroupie · 5 years

Text

Bohemian Rhapsody: Chapter 5

We want to pretend like the week-long hiatus was planned @intoresus but honestly, we would be lying :D First was Easter and- you know what we are talking about.

When May Parker received the call, it had been a bad sign from the very beginning. There weren’t many people that would call her during work. The number wasn’t Peter’s, so it couldn’t be him telling her he was inviting Ned over - or staying for another night at the Stark Tower. It was a stranger talking on the other end of the line, calmly but urgently. He refused to tell what had happened, or why she was asked to come in the first place, just repeated he’d send a driver to pick her up and bring her to the compound.

There she was now, in the back of a small limousine - a little extravagant, as was everything coming from Tony Stark, but at least she was getting where she needed to be and had a little more time to try and reach Peter. A part of her knew he wouldn’t pick up, but the bigger, more optimistic part was always expecting to hear his voice at the other end of the line, or a new message, but nothing. The last one was from eleven this morning:

Dishes are washed. Mr Stark’s picking me up for lunch in a few. Be back tomorrow.

May didn’t exactly dislike Tony, but she wasn’t entirely warming up to him either. She knew he was trying to be supportive, and that Peter had lightened up since Stark had walked into his life. However, she questioned his behavior. What did Tony Stark want? It was a question that didn’t let her go. He appeared as if he really cared for her kid, but so had other people in Peter’s life - people who had ended up using him, in the truest sense of that word. May still felt sick thinking about it. Who was telling her that this was about Peter and not about Iron Man needing a side-kick superhero? Or about having the kid work on some ideas Tony could present as his own in the future?

As far as she’d heard – the man wasn’t exactly a hermit - it wouldn’t have been the first time. Back in 2002, there had been a heavy accusation of Stark stealing an idea for using concepts that were rumored not to be his. The case was dropped two years later due to the lack of evidence, but with the amount of Tony Stark’s wealth, he might’ve just bribed the entire court. Peter could spend a day talking non-stop about how the man had changed over the course of the past few years, but May couldn’t shake off her doubts. No one could make a 180 change after being an arrogant and eccentric millionaire for half of his life. Peter had a general tendency to trust people too quickly and too easily, believing in the good in everyone, no matter if they deserved it or not. The fact that he’d worshipped Tony Stark for most of his life didn’t help with that either. That’s what was getting her anxious about the two of them spending so much time together: If it were really about Stark’s intention to exploit her boy, it would be easy for him, and Peter probably wouldn’t even realize anything until it was already too late.

Twenty unlucky calls later they reached their destination, and May was guided inside the building.

“Mrs Parker?” She heard it before she saw it, her worst fears coming true. The woman in front of her her was wearing scrubs. She was a medic.

“Yes,” May answered tonelessly. “I’m here for my nephew, Peter.”

“Sure. Follow me, please.” The worst part about the entire situation was that May had been working in the medical field for long enough to recognize patterns. They guided her away from the main area, because the news wouldn’t be good. Because they wanted her to have a private room, a place to sit down before they’d fill her in. And that was exactly what was happening.

“I have to inform you that your nephew has been involved in an animal-vehicle crash earlier this afternoon.”

May heard the words, but their meaning didn’t put itself together. As if she was trapped in a nightmare. Getting the gist of a situation, nothing more. “He’s receiving the best medical care in this facility, I assure you.” Yet another typical sentence. Nothing with vital information.

May needed it. Needed some information, at least whether or not Peter was alright.

“How is he?”

The shuffle. A second offer for a glass of water. Again, May shook her head.

“He’s suffered something we call a hypothermia, which is factually a lowered body temperature, alongside a concussion and a splenic trauma. His vitals are stable at the moment. However, I am obligated to inform you that the severity of his injuries had caused a cardiac arrest. We managed to take control of it rather quickly, but Peter has unfortunately slipped into a coma.”

The universe around May Parker didn’t exist anymore. She’d heard all those words before. Screamed along hospital hallways, whispered between some doctors. All of them had a meaning that she was well aware of. The medic offered her sincerest apologies and suggested she’d bring her to Peter’s room whenever she felt ready but May ignored her. She wasn’t ready.

Barely a few years ago she had lost her husband.

And now they wanted to tell her that she almost lost her nephew by the skin of his teeth?

No. This had to be a nightmare, a very, very cruel nightmare.

Peter was at home, with Ned, building Lego sets.

In Stark’s lab, working on some secret inventions.

Maybe outside, as Spider-Man, saving ‘the little people’.

Safe.

Not in the ICU of a high-class medical facility.

She barely listened to the explanation of how it had come to the crash in the first place. The only informations she tried to keep in her mind was how the current prognosis and future treatment looked like. “Tests came back promising, and we assume that his healing factor will continue to have a positive effect. However, we can’t yet tell when he’s going to wake up.”

Her vision blurred by tears that refused to fall and the pain was so awful it literally made her feel hollow, as if she was helplessly sinking into quicksand.

Episodes of sadness had been a constant companion ever since Ben’s death, and usually Peter was helping her out. That’s what they always did: Cheering each other up - balancing each other out. But now? Now Peter couldn’t. Now it was on her alone.

They were about to explain her that he was currently still ventilated, due to his lungs needing to recover from the effects of drowning, when they entered the room.

Her first glance didn’t meet Peter - she doubted she would’ve recognized him under the thick blankets and with the countless wires covering him. But maybe it would’ve been good if that’s the first she saw. It would’ve anchored her.

Instead, the first thing she saw beyond the waterfall in her eyes was Tony Stark - One hand in her nephew’s hair, the other resting on his chest, mumbling something she didn’t comprehend. The first thing she saw was him.

The man who’d driven the car Peter got hurt in.

In that moment, he wasn’t Tony Stark anymore. Not Peter’s hero, not the man who’d rescued him after the crash.

He was the enemy.

“You-“ You did this. But the words didn’t leave her mouth, this cruelty was tying her tongue. She saw Tony looking up in what she believed to be shock and surprise.

“May- I'm sorry-“

“No. Don’t you dare attempt to apologize. This - you did this!”

“May,” Pepper stepped forward and tried to grasp the woman's arm in comfort. “We are all upset and shocked about this. How about you sit down, I'll get you tea-“

“No, no tea can solve this! You people caused this! It was your car he was in and you were driving,” She screamed at Tony. Tears spilled from her eyes and her face was read with rage. “You promised to take care of him and you broke it! Why? Because he had that good idea before you and you needed him out of the picture?”

“What?” Tony whispered and his shock and resentment flushed away to disbelief. “- I saved him! That doesn't make any sense!”

“What do I know about you rich people? Intern in coma sounds better than a dead one.”

Tony opened his mouth and closed it in the same instant, his chest suddenly feeling way too tight to speak, or even move. Somewhere outside of his mind, Pepper was asking him to calm down in a tone as worried as he’d never heard it before - which was huge, given the condition the woman had seen him in already, physically and mentally. But on the inside, there were only two things repeating themselves, one after another.

Peter could be dead.

You did this.

“May, you need to be careful. Tony is also healing. He can't take much emotional stress or his heart-“ Pepper told as she helped her husband to the bed. He wasn’t fighting her, and Pepper realized that she hated this more than him arguing with her. It meant that May’s words, spoken in terrible grief, had left an invisible, but no less painful scar in Tony’s heart.

“Yeah, that can be easily arranged,” May sniffed. “I want you out.”

“What?” Tony whispered, eyes wide.

“Both of you, out. I don't want you anywhere near Peter or me. Only family is allowed and you are certainly not family. Leave us alone or I swear to God I am taking this to the court.”

“A lawsuit? She can’t be serious about that. What’d be the charges? Saving her nephew from drowning? We’re in America, not China, or the middle-ages.”

Pepper kept her voice quiet only to avoid catching another deprecating glare from one of the night nurses. She and Rhodey stood outside Tony’s room in the long hallway. Although being on the possibly highest dose of non-anesthetic sedatives possible, Tony was in a light sleep, and Pepper did in no way intend to unnecessarily wake him. He needed rest, his heart and mind a break from conscious thinking. It had been hard enough to see how much the man had been suffering after May had insisted on him leaving. Doctors from both sides had tried to smooth down the conflict - arguing that it would be beneficial to both Tony and Peter’s conditions to not separate them, but May hadn’t listened. And with her being the boy’s legal guardian, there was nothing they could do about it.

Tony had been devastated, in a way that Pepper had never seen him. He’d been crying, unresisted, the entire way back, and even after they’d shot him the sedatives to lower the risk of a further arrhythmia, he’d still mumbled “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry” until he finally fell asleep.

“She’s in shock.” Rhodey reasoned, and Pepper frowned at him in return.

“As is Tony. We all are. Hell, I certainly am.” Curses weren’t exactly in her typical daily word-repertoire, but this certainly wasn’t a typical day. “Gives her no reason to lash out at us that way. Her behavior could’ve caused Tony a heart attack and god knows I would’ve gone to court if that happened.”

“Pep.” Rhodey sighed. “She’s raised the boy.”

He almost made a step backwards at the ice in Pepper’s eyes when she looked at him. “I’m not saying I understand what she did, I’m just -“ He massaged his temple. The day had been nerve-wracking and horrible, and he was slowly feeling the pay-off. “Just imagine it’d be your kid in there. You, I, we all know Tony the way he is. We’ve seen him grow over the years, we have seen evidence enough that he isn’t the 00’s Tony Stark anymore. He proves that to us every minute of every day.

“For May... For May he’s the man that everyone’s talking about. America’s most criticized person. Everyone who owns a functional TV has heard of him, and the media doesn’t have a reputation of showing people at their best. For May, he’s the billionaire superhero that supports her son fighting crime at night. She has no idea who he really is or how much he really cares. He’s honestly just that guy in the driver’s seat for her, but it’s her son that’s caught the worst of this crash, and she needs someone to blame, because otherwise, all of that might be too cruel to handle.”

Pepper did not answer, but the words stuck with her. After all, Rhodey might be right. From the outside perspective, with just the media as a source of information, she probably wouldn’t trust Tony either, no matter how hard it was to imagine that. To imagine that no one saw her Tony as the gentle, loving human being that he was.

“You’re staying with Tony till morning? I’ll leave her for the night, and hope she’s a little more at ease tomorrow. We can help her through this.”

And Tony’s going to break if she refuses to let him see Peter for longer than a day.

Tony woke up in the middle of the night, feeling like someone had smashed a building right on top of him. He needed a while to recognize his surroundings, and to scan his memory for the reason for his pain. As soon as he did, he wished he hadn’t.

The worst seconds after trauma weren’t those when you’re confused about what’s been happening, but the flashes of minutes - hours even - burning themselves through your mind all at once.

His movie had an injured Peter as the main protagonist, and May’s angry voice as soundtrack. Her accusations stung. They stung, because after all, he’d thought that May would know him better than that.

The story she was referring to had happened years ago.

Some “upcoming star technician”, that had just started his small independent business, had denounced him because some of the blue-prints that Tony had used for filing a patent for his latest invention looked similar to his. It had become a top story; people believed it to be more realistic that a billionaire would steal ideas rather than a small company would use the indictment to sneak themselves some money and attention.

It wasn’t just that Tony’s ego was far too big to ever steal someone’s idea to enrich himself.

He could never do something like that to Peter.

The project the kid had been working on every time he’d been in the lab for the past couple of months had grown into something solid. There were still some edges on it that’d need fine tuning and Tony had gladly volunteered to help fix those, but this would always be Peter’s invention entirely, his baby and he would make sure that he’d get all the well- deserved credit for it.

He wouldn’t take that achievement away from the kid.

And he certainly wouldn’t cause a crash to... he couldn’t even finish the thought without feeling sick. His breathing would’ve quickened along with his heart-rate under normal circumstances, but with the amount of anti-arrhythmias rushing through his system, his body seemed to be stuck in its rhythm.

That didn’t make the idea any less hurtful. The image of how different the day could’ve ended for both of them. A world without Peter Parker would be a gruesome world, without light or colors or sounds, just a hollow emptiness. That’s what Tony had almost pictured hell like: A hollow place.

Sleeping had become impossible now. If he’d close his eyes, he would always see the picture of Peter’s lifeless, pale body in front of him. But staring in the darkness didn’t help the awful feeling either.

Rhodey was sitting in the armchair next to his bed, head hanging on his shoulder, snoring lightly.

For a moment, Tony considered waking him, aware that Rhodey would definitely be mad if he didn’t do it, but he had no intention to have the following conversation about how he felt, or that he should rest and not worry.

He turned his head to the other side, searching for the access button they’d given him that’d give him a light dose of painkillers if his pain became unbearable, but his eyes met something else: a metallic object glistening in the moonlight shining throught the window.

Oh please, let it be.

It was indeed his StarkPad, and Tony suddenly relaxed. This was better than painkillers. This would keep his mind busy enough for a while not to be sucked in the downward spiral of anxiety.

His arms moved sluggishly, and for a moment he feared he’d drop the Pad, but he managed to settle it quietly onto his lap.

A memo turned up.

You should really sleep, Tony.

But I love you, and I know you won’t, so take it easy right now.

Tony let out a breath and smiled weakly. Pepper had put up shortcuts to all his favorite music tracks and some brain-melting arcade games. However, Tony had other intentions. He couldn’t find it in himself to allow the distraction of playing simple mobile games - worse enough that Peter had infected him with that BlockMastery hype a few weeks ago - and music was the last thing he needed right now. He doubted he could ever listen to a rock song again. Not with one of them being so closely associated with this day.

No. He needed to do something else.

The ObserverSystem refused his command.

Access denied It reported, and Tony already frowned, checking the command protocols until he found the error: A foreign protocol called “Recover & Rest” that blocked all functions aside from games, music and video-platforms. Pepper knew him to well. But she should’ve known that this wasn’t keeping him from doing what he had to.

//Override. 496e76656e746f72 He typed, and the protocol was immediately turned off. The next burden didn’t come as a surprise, and the needed code was easier to type.

//Override. 50726f746563746f72

The system needed a few seconds before the medical database was fully loaded. After that, it was a matter of seconds to get the access to Peter’s data and connect himself to the kid’s vital monitors. Audio output was still turned off, and for almost a minute Tony just appreciated the wonderfully rhythmical spikes on screen and the ease that came with not having to wait for the sound underlying one of them.

He changed audio delivery to his headphones and the rhythmic beeps audible were more calming than even the best movie soundtrack could ever be, because each of them meant that Peter’s heart had made another beat, each of them meant that for now, his kid was alright.

It was the soundtrack that guided him to sleep.

#irondad #fanfic #bohemian rhapsody #whump #medical whump

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ourlastbastion · 4 years

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Wild Fire Ch. 16

AO3

FFnet

“We can’t find him anywhere!”

“No one has seen him anywhere!”

“I tried searching the city, but I can’t find him, not even a trace of his soul.”

Stein sighed, rubbing his temples as he held his cigarette between his teeth while different meisters and weapons spoke over one another. The early sun was still rising over the horizon, laughing at them as it ascended the sky. How can a city full of meisters and weapons lose one little kid?

When Marie and Spirit tried to talk with Maleko late into the night, they’d found the door wasn’t blocked anymore, not entirely. The desk had been moved to the side to offer a narrow space to slide through to get into the room. The room itself had been a mess, as if it had been the sight of a battle with how much had been destroyed in the boys tantrum.

The kid hadn’t been in there, his window was open and bars melted and torn off. The metal had long since cooled, so no one could say just how long it had been since he had escaped, but they had issued a city-wide search as soon as they found out.

Yet hours passed and no one found any sign of the boy. Everywhere had been searched; abandoned buildings, alleys, empty apartments. Anything that could hide the child and it all turned up empty. So far those who were searching outside of the city had yet to find him either, though some were still out looking.

It would have been easier and quicker if they could follow his soul, but it was gone, not a single trace.

Damn it. How did he even learn Soul Protect? He hadn’t known how to use the spell when he arrived at the city, he had to have learned it within the months he stayed here, but from who? Had this escape been planned from the start? Or was it triggered by a recent event? The kidnapping, was that the cause of all this?

Stein knew that there was something up with Maleko, something else happened in that warehouse that he wouldn’t tell them. Was that what this was really about?

He cranked his screw and blew out a puff of smoke. If he managed to reunite with Kai, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, but the boy knew things about the academy that he’d rather not let such a prominent enemy know.

Perhaps he had been working as a spy all along? No, Stein doubted Maleko would have been capable of fooling them for that long if that was the case, he wasn’t necessarily the brightest child in the world after all. He was too naïve, he wore his heart on his sleeves. It was impossible for the child to deceive someone for so long and on such a grand scale.

Slowly the group began to disperse, and no sooner had the students left had Spirit approached, looking disheveled and tired. He’d not gotten a wink of sleep, searching with the others to try and find the sorcerer before someone potentially got hurt. He placed a thick manila folder onto the desk, papers starting to fall out but held together by paperclips and staples.

“Lord Death’s issued for everyone to cease searching in the city,” he explained, pulling out a chair and collapsing into it. “We’ll keep looking outside the city, there’s not many places he could have gone on foot.”

Stein took a drag from his cigarette, “It’s a big desert,” he pointed out, to which Spirit gave a hum. “If we’re lucky we’ll find him alive, but it’d be easy for a boy like him to die out there. Animals or dehydrations… as soon as he uses his magic we should be able to find him if he’s still close by.”

“We’ll find him alive,” Spirit frowned. “and then we can find out why he ran off. But, we also have bigger problems,” he pushed the folder over to Stein and waited as the doctor flipped it open, scanning through the pages. “We’re starting to suspect that there’s something bigger at play.”

Stein began shuffling through different reports and records, narrowing his eyes and turning his screw with his free hand. “Acolytes?” he said out loud. Of course he’d heard of them, they had caused quite a scene a long time ago, had been a very real threat during the time as well. “I suppose it makes sense that there would have been remnants of their organization that survived long enough to begin rebuilding.”

“We don’t have concrete proof, not yet, but everything we’re finding is pointing towards a resurgence,” Spirit ran a hand through his hair. “Which may make things even worse. Hunting down kishin eggs is one thing, but asking students to fight and kill human souls doesn’t feel right.”

Stein hummed as he found the black and white photo of a scrawny witch with a tangled mess of pale hair and narrow eyes. What made the Acolytes so dangerous was their fanaticism, blind worship of an evil entity. Witches. “When the witch they worshipped was killed, the logical line of thinking would be to realize she wasn’t an immortal god,” he said as he plucked the photo up and stared at her face. What had her name been… Sara, her magic involved iron manipulation, she had been leading the Acolytes when they’d finally been squashed.

Or so they’d thought. “She was killed and the Acolytes were defeated,” he said out loud and placed the photo back down, “but perhaps it had been wrong to assume she was the one they thought a god.”

Spirit raised a brow, leaning back in his chair, “What’s going on through that head of yours?” he asked.

Picking up another report from the file, Stein skimmed it over, the frown not leaving his face. “It’s only a theory at the moment, but I feel very strongly over it’s possibility. Everything seems to convenient to be a coincidence. We find Maleko, and instead of coming to retrieve him, the witch raising him vanishes,” he put the paper down and began turning the screw in his head even more. “What few sightings we’ve had are lining up with the reports suggesting Acolyte movement. The timing is too perfect.”

“You think this sea witch is the real mastermind behind the Acolytes?” Spirit asked.

Leaning back and putting out his cigarette in the ashtray on the desk, Stein stared up at the ceiling, at the slight flicker in the lights. “She could be,” he nodded, “it’s not a good outcome, but it seems to be what everything is pointing at. She’s preparing for war, and we need to prepare as well.”

Maleko yawned as he curled up in the shade of a large rock. He didn’t mind the heat, honestly the dry air and hot sand was comforting if anything, he enjoyed the feeling of warm sand under bare feet—it reminded him of the beaches at home—and he was grateful that even with his magic shut down, he still had a high heat tolerance. The problem was that he’d been walking and running for several hours and he was exhausted.

But, he’d made good ground and now was as good a time as any to take a rest.

Shrugging the backpack off, he reached for the canteen of water and took a drink, careful not to take too big of a swig before he put the cap back on. Taka had landed and nestled in next to him in the shade, patient as Maleko rummaged through the bag to find a granola bar to munch on.

“We should be able to reach the next town over in a few days,” Taka mused as Maleko ate. “You’re doing wonderful, little sun, you were able to escape the city long before they noticed you were gone. No one could have asked for more.”

A few more days of running, Maleko could do that, he’d keep running if it meant there was someone in the next town who could help him get back to his mama. There had to be one of those… those… Acolyte people there, right? Or maybe another witch? Someone was bound to help him.

Or maybe not.

Maleko’s face twisted into a frown as he nibbled on the bar. Maybe he wouldn’t find anyone who’d be able or willing to help him. Maybe he wouldn’t be able to find her at all, the meisters might find him first and drag him back to the academy. They might just kill him on the spot. The thought sent shivers down this spine.

He’d held them in such high regards, but they’d been using them, hadn’t they? They wanted his soul, or maybe information on his mama. They’d been quite interested in her when he first arrived, asking questions and making him believe they wanted to find her so they could reunite the two. But that wasn’t the case, was it?

He reached up with his free hand and began scratching at the nook between his neck and shoulder. His body trembled as he bit down hard into the granola bar and drew blood with his claws. The more he scratched, the more he began to calm until it felt like he could breathe again.

“Little sun,” Taka nudged him slightly, “I believe the sword pair had put a map in the bag?”

Blinking, Maleko glanced at the bird and then at the backpack. “Oh,” he whispered and then another pause before his brain began catching up and he moved towards it, opening the pouch once more and rummaging within. A map… that was important, right? He didn’t really understand it, but, Taka wanted to see it, he guessed.

He pushed aside the jacket, the snacks and bandages as he searched. His fingers brushed against some paper and his mind went ‘ah’ as he grabbed it. A map, right? It felt small, maybe maps were small.

But when he pulled it from the bag, it wasn’t a map it was a photo. Maka and Soul, Blackstar and Tsubaki, even Crona was in the picture. It looked like they were at some sort of party, dressed up in fancy clothes and all smiling at the camera, looking like they were laughing, that they were happy.

Maleko’s heart clenched, his mind thought back to eating with Maka and Soul, getting sick and carried to their apartment to recover. He thought of Blackstar, always happy and laughing, confident, his fun declarations of strength and how much Maleko had believed him. Tsubaki was always so kind and sweet, like a mother or sister.

All the fun games he’d play with them, following them off into class too sit beside them, drawing the zombie man as he did lectures, or the screw man, or Marie when they taught instead. How they’d let him take naps during class, walk him to the cafeteria so he could join them as they ate or walk him back to his room when classes were done. They didn’t care if he couldn’t understand the classes, they let him participate and let him have fun just by being there.

Blinking back tears, Maleko realized how much he missed it already. Even if it’d all been an act or a game to them… he had enjoyed his time with them, he had thought them his friends and had loved being with them and a large part of him wanted to go back to it.

“It’s best not to think of them,” Taka flew up to perch on Maleko’s arm brought up his foot to rest on the photo, pushing down as if to lower it. “They were using you, little sun, they don’t deserve your love.”

Whimpering, Maleko let the picture drop to the ground. Taka was right, he had to try and forget about them, if he didn’t, it’d only hurt him. Swallowing back the tears, he focused his attention back on the bag to go back to looking for the map as Taka watched silently.

Eventually he was able to find the map folded up deep in the bag and withdrew it. Taka flew off his shoulder to land on the ground as Maleko unfolded it and placed it on the sandy ground, finding small rocks to hold it down.

It was a mess of squiggly lines of different colors, jumbles of words and symbols. Just staring at it made his head hurt.

“Let’s see,” Taka examined the map, putting a talon on a large marker, “Death City, and we’ve been running for several hours so… we should be around here.” He hopped down and put his talon on an empty space a little bit away from where the city supposedly was. It wasn’t really far from it, the distance was only the length of his thumb, still close to the city. Maleko scrunched up his nose as he stared at the map as Taka kept talking, something about how he had an amazing sense of direction and that if they kept going this way, they should be go, confirming that they were just a few days away from the nearest city.

How could he tell any of this?

“Is something wrong?” Taka asked looking up at Maleko and then glancing down at the map once more, “was there something that caught your eye?”

Maleko shook his head, “Can…can’t ruh-read,” he mumbled and wanted to hit himself. All this stress, it was making it harder for him to remember how to form his words, talking was getting harder again. He hated this.

“Not even a map?” Taka asked, to which Maleko shook his head. He cocked his head and then looked over to the map, hopping over so that he started pointing at a small series of symbols on the side. “These symbols represent landmarks, cities and other locations. This big dot with the star marks the capital—the main city—of this state. These smaller dots represent towns and cities…”

Slowly and patiently, Taka began explaining different aspects of the map, different places, and each meaning. He paused in between topics, waiting to see if Maleko had questions before moving on with another. He was understanding and practical, and even if Maleko still wasn’t quite sure how to read a map, he at least knew a little more than he had when it was over.

They went over the map, mostly Taka looking at different things and trying to plan out a safe route that would lower any chances of running into others from the DWMA. Eventually, after Maleko had crunched up the granola bars wrapper and stuffed it into a different pouch in the bag, Taka let him fold the map back up and return it to the backpack. It was time for them to get moving again, too dangerous to stay in one spot for too long, who knew how long the academy would keep searching for.

The plan would be to keep walking, and when the sun went down, he’d keep walking until he found someplace safe to set up a den for the night to rest. There was still a long way to go until they reached that, though. The day was still young.

Hours passed, his legs were starting to grow sore but Maleko didn’t voice a complaint. Taka would fly off to scout on ahead, sometimes following from above and sometimes just perched on Maleko’s shoulder or bag.

Maleko swallowed and adjusted his grip on the bag, he kept walking, feeling the warm sad sinking between his toes with each step. Cautiously, he glanced up at the hawk on his shoulder, his last talk with Crona and Ragnarok repeating in his head, their comments towards the bird sticking.

“Ta…Taka,” his tongue felt weird in his mouth, words felt weird. It always felt weird trying to say words, but now it felt worse than usual. He grimaced and tried again watching as the bird looked his way. “Are you uh-ah ah familiar?”

Even Maleko knew what a familiar was, mama had told him about them when he saw some during a gathering of witches. They were animal companions to witches and sorcerers, they were magical. Was Taka magical? It’d make sense, most birds couldn’t talk, right? Was he… was he Maleko’s familiar?

Taka ducked his head as he continued preening his feathers, a few beats of silence passed as Maleko kept walking through the Nevada desert. “Clever little sun, I am indeed a familiar,” Taka confirmed after plucking a light brown feather from under a wing. Letting it drop from his beak, it fluttered to the sand. “However, I am not your familiar.”

It was disappointing to be shot down, ducking his head in shame and feeling his face heat up. But then, if he wasn’t his familiar, then… maybe, just maybe… “Mama?” hopeful, desperate hope.

“That’d be a sight to see. A witch of the sea with an avian familiar,” Taka’s voice chuckled in Maleko’s head at the thought, feathers ruffling as he adjusted his perch on the boys shoulder, then settling back down to relax. “You don’t need to concern yourself with it, my dear sun. My master would like to look out for you is all.”

It was hard to not worry himself over it when Taka made it so much more curious of a topic. If he wasn’t his or his mama’s, just who was the witch or sorcerer that the hawk belonged to? But, Maleko tried his very best to banish those thoughts from his head like he was told to do, tried not to think of it anymore.

He supposed that all that mattered was that there was someone looking out for him. Taka was someone’s familiar and they were a friend. They had to be if they were this concerned over helping him reunite with his mother. Maybe, if he was lucky, he could meet Taka’s master and thank them.

The thought was enough to keep him going with a smile, as if reenergizing him with the hope of meeting this person one day. He bounded forward at a decent pace, hands on the straps of his bag to keep it secured as Taka took off from his shoulder to fly around.

By the time the sun had gone down and the air had cooled, Maleko found himself an abandoned next that smelled of a strange animal. It was safe and hidden, so Maleko curled up in the dip on the ground to sleep for the night. Taka nestled down beside him, telling him to sleep and that he’d keep watch over night, and come morning, with the sun starting to rise, the two were on the road once more.

True to words, they had reached a small city within a few days. It’s timing couldn’t have been more perfect, as Maleko had run out of food the day before and would run out of water in his canteen soon. The city was full of strange and new scents, none of it familiar.

Maleko received a few curious glances from the adults that passed him on the streets, staring down at the dirty, barefoot kid with an oversized backpack, and dirt covered clothes. But no one stopped to talk to him, they went on their way and let him go about his own business.

Though they had reached the city, he still had to be careful. They didn’t know who was a friend and who was an enemy, he couldn’t let people know just who he was, what he was.

He set up a cozy den under a damp bridge coated with a generous amount of obscene graffiti and spiderwebs. It was safe, and all the scents of people underneath were several days old, so he felt confident that he wouldn’t be found under there. They needed to figure out a game plan now. Or, Taka did, Maleko wasn’t a good enough thinker to be able to think of a viable plan of action, he’d come to accept that about himself. He wasn’t smart, not like those around him, so leave the thinking to those who could do it.

Shrugging the bag off to the side, Maleko sat down and crossed his legs together as the bird settled down in front of him.

“You’ll need a new name,” Taka said, “You can’t call yourself Maleko, not when people are going to be looking for you, and you can’t tell people you’re a sorcerer, not unless we can trust them.”

“Buh, but Maleko…” he made a face when Taka said he’d need a new name. He liked his name, it was the one Kai gave him, it was important to him. He was Maleko, he didn’t want to give that up, it felt wrong.

Takas feathers ruffled but then relaxed. “It’s an alias, a fake name to keep you out of trouble,” he assured. “You’ll still be Maleko Palakiko, but those who meet you from here on forth can’t know that. Does that make sense?”

He frowned but nodded. It didn’t make a lot of sense, but he could try and understand. “Okay… theh, then what… my name?”

There wasn’t a moment to think, not a pause to contemplate possibilities. When Maleko asked, Taka answered. “Asahi. You are Asahi.”

“Asa…he?”

“You’re Japanese, little sun, neither the wilds, the tropics or even the deserts can hide that. So, you’ll don a Japanese name,” Taka explained and hopped a little closer. “Asahi, the morning sun. It’s a fitting name. I’ll try and teach you the language as well.”

Asahi… Maleko frowned. The name, it stirred something deep within him, felt as if something in the back of his head was scratching at the walls, trying to get out. It didn’t make sense. But, if that was the name that Taka chose… “Maleko… Asahi,” he accepted with a nod.

“Good. Now, let’s rest, little sun. We’ll need to search for your mothers allies tomorrow.”

#Soul Eater #Wild Fire #Fanfic #Adrian's Writing

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rcfcel · 5 years

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* / 𝔰𝔲𝔯𝔭𝔯𝔦𝔰𝔢 𝔟*𝔱𝔠𝔥𝔢𝔰 ! bet you thought you'd seen the last of me ! lol apparently i like to challenge myself and just haD to bring in my new man so yeah hi , meet raf / rj ! i'm v excited for y'all to meet him — fair warning , i'm starting from scratch with him cause i got #inspired so i apologize if the info below is a mess ! pls love us .

( tommy martinez, cis male, he/him ) i just saw RAFAEL MICHELENA walking down the streets of provincetown the other day playing CHATEAU by BLACKBEAR out loud. rumor has it that the TWENTY THREE year old is GENEROUS, but can also be AGGRESSIVE — overall they’re a MAVERICK. they remind me of LEATHER SEATS IN BLACK CADILLACS, CIGARETTES SMASHED TO ASHES IN ASHTRAYS, & MALT WHISKEY POURED OVER ICE. ( lenny the pooh, 5, antarctica, she/her )

—— * / 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔟𝔞𝔰𝔦𝔠𝔰 :

full name : rafael johan michelena

nicknames : raf , rj

age / dob : twenty3 / february 14 , 1996

gender : cis male ( he / him )

sexuality : openly bisexual

occupation : firefighter

hometown : provincetown , ma

label : the maverick ( an unorthodox or independent-minded person )

—— * / 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔰𝔱𝔬𝔯𝔶 :

so dear rafael here was raised by a single father after his mother passed away shortly after he was born due to complications during labour . raf’s father never really wanted kids as he’d been wanting to focus on his paramedic career and was worried he wouldn’t be home enough to be with his family , but his beloved wife had assured him everything would work out in the end — which , of course , it didn’t really because he was left alone with a baby boy he didn’t know how to take care of .

his dad struggled for most of raf’s childhood , having to juggle both his demanding career and an even more demanding child , but with the help of close family and a very generous family who lived next door and took care of raf whenever his father worked night shifts , it all did work out in the end , just as his late mother had promised .

despite his father being away so much , raf developed a very strong relationship with his father . when he was young , his father was away a lot because he was just starting in paramedics so he got stuck with the less desirable shifts — but as rj grew older , his father moved up the ranks of his career and finally made it into a position that didn’t keep him away from home as late , allowing the two to spend some actual time together .

from a young age , raf knew he wanted to save lives like his father . fun fact : one night when he was young and staying over at the neighbour’s house , he drew a little picture of his father in uniform and then drew himself wearing a little uniform too — the neighbour showed this to his father when he picked him up and the grown man damn near cried .

raf has always been super proud of his dad for chasing his dreams and taking on each obstacle that came his way .

at first , he wanted to follow in his father’s footsteps and become a paramedic — which he did , for a short while . after his school graduation , he went to school to get his emt ( emergency medical technician ) certificate and then worked to become a paramedic , by the time he was twenty one he was working the same job in provincetown his dad had been when he was young .

after about a year and a half , raf realized he wanted more . as a paramedic he worked closely with the provincetown firefighters and had always found their bravery inspiring . he got along with the crew well and one night over drinks he confided in them about possibly following along their career path instead . of course they all jumped to say do it , while also giving raf good advice and facts about the job , but nothing they said scared raf away from it — if anything , he was even more excited .

so fast forward a few months , and a very gruelling entrance exam and training period , and he switched out his paramedic uniform for a firefighter uniform and joined his buddies in the station .

it’s been about a year now since he first put on that uniform and rj truly hasn’t looked back since . the hours are rough and the job is laborious , but it’s also super rewarding and he wouldn’t change it for the world .

currently , he lives in a cozy ass apartment in provincetown on his own , although he spends many nights at the station when he’s on duty so i have this headcanon that his apartment is like .. hotel raf lmAO like need a place to crash and get away from shit ? there’s a spare key under the mat .

—— * / 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔦𝔫𝔰𝔦𝔡𝔢 :

labels(s) : the maverick , the hedonist , the contingent

maverick : due to his father’s extraneous job , raf grew extremely independent at a young age . when he was finally old enough to stay home and take care of himself , he honestly thrived .

hedonist : working in such emotionally challenging jobs has taught raf to really live life to its fullest and treasure every moment . he never takes anything for granted and is almost always looking for a fun time during his days off .

contingent : while his independence is clear in how he can take care of himself and make his own decisions , raf is incredibly dependent on those around him for support and companionship . he struggles with being alone and is in constant need of company and friendship .

traits : generous , charming , aggressive , protective , passionate , diligent , indulgent , short - tempered .

aesthetics : leather seats in black cadillacs , thick ringlets curling around chiseled features , black jeans with a lighter in the back pocket , cigarettes smashed to ashes in ashtrays , malt whiskey poured over ice , callused hands stuffed in the pockets of a leather jacket .

soundtrack : honestly , i’ve been listening to blackbear during raf’s entire conception so you can literally just listen to his entire discography to get a feel for his vibe .

personality : while he inherited his father’s passion , drive , and general kind demeanour , raf definitely made a name for himself with his slightly mysterious aura at first glance — maybe it’s the mostly black wardrobe , the cigarette that usually dangles from his lips , or the way his brow creases whenever he listens to someone speak like they’re the only person in the universe , he’s a little intimidating at first — but honestly , anyone who really knows him would laugh at people who comment on his mystery : “ yeah , i thought he was gonna be a total asshole at first , could not have been more wrong though ” has definitely been said numerous times about him .

raf’s actually probably the biggest teddy bear in ptown . his heart is somehow bigger than his hair and he welcomes everyone into his life with open arms ( after a short trial run to make sure they’re not gonna fuck with him of course )

he truly loves his friends more than anything . i’m not kidding when i say his apartment is hotel raf cause legit if u need a place to crash , even if it’s 4 in the morning , you can knock on his door and he’ll likely even give up his bed for you .

wears his heart on his sleeve , probably a little too much for his own good , but thrives off of honesty and trust so he’s definitely your go to guy if you’ve got shit going on .

also your go to guy if you need someone’s ass kicked . he’s a firefighter for crying out loud , he drinks preworkout like it’s water and could probably bench the entire snack pack lbr .

he’s a big old hopeless romantic too — he was born on valentine’s day after all .

—— * / 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔠𝔬𝔫𝔫𝔢𝔠𝔱𝔦𝔬𝔫𝔰 :

once again , let me scream into the void that i am open to pretty much anything . lay it all on me , give me your worst and just rIP my heart out why don’t you . but ! below is a list of ideas i brainstormed up for raf

i really want someone from the family that helped take care of him when he was little !

neighbours , childhood best friends , childhood crush / first kiss

gym buddies PLS give raf a buddy he can call up to go play basketball or challenge to a weight lifting comp LOL

past / present hook ups ! raf’s an emotional guy but his job is stressful as fuck and he def needs soME sort of way to unwind .

exes ! mayhaps they dated in high school and broke up cause theY went off to college while raf stayed back in ptown .

brOS OHMYGODPLS give me joey and chandler , jake and charles , troy and chAD

a brother / sister friendship pls ! someone he can be way too protective of .

platonic soulmates ! my fav !!

an angsty flirtationship / skinny love type deal .

—— * / 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔥𝔢𝔞𝔡𝔠𝔞𝔫𝔬𝔫𝔰 :

his apartment is suPER masculine . like exposed brick walls , brown leather couches , stainless steel appliances , dark oak tables and shelves , probably big windows all over the place cause he loves natural sunlight . and the whole snack pack 100% knows where the spare key is in case of emergencies ( insert that one scene of friends where monica’s like “ i gave you that key for emergencies ” and phoebe’s like “ we were out of doritos ” )

he’s got a lil grey pit bull named lily that he saved a few months ago ! she’s his pride and joy .

like .. rarely uses his phone . he’s got all the social medias , but only really checks it when someone tags him in something or whatever . prefers to call over text cause texting annoys him , he’s an impatient fuck .

definitely is the pack’s lil doctor . he’ll always unwind and have a fun time , but will 100% be on alert at all times for accidents or anything bad that could happen . and if it does happen , he’s first on the scene — i mean , why wouldn’t you want a licensed paramedic that looks like tommy martinez icing your sprained ankle right ?

he’s never really travelled much , aside from the times he’s been called to neighbouring towns / cities during big emergencies and such with his crew . he’s got major wanderlust and really wants to travel to venezuela and such , but he’s also perfectly content staying in ptown for now .

he’s a celiac — idk why , i just wanted to give him some sort of weakness cause he seems too perfect rn .

#snackpackintro #—— ` . ooc !#i didn't really proofread so i apologize for mistakes

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surveys-at-your-service · 6 years

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Survey #153

“i may be easy - easy to hate, but you’re so fucking easy, easy to break.”

Do you think age matters in friendship? Nah. One of my closest friends is in his 30s. Now of course I believe a parent should monitor a friendship of a minor and adult, but, I still believe friendship is certainly possible. What was the last essay/assignment you wrote about? It was only the rough draft, but I helped Colleen with her assessment of "Female" by Keith Urban. When do you usually put your Christmas decorations up? Usually start in early December. Are you more likely to eat when you’re bored or depressed? When I'm bored, I'd say. When I'm depressed, I'm more keen on sleeping. I've gotten better about not eating when I'm bored, thankfully. Do you have a case/cover for your phone? Describe it. No, I want one tho. Do you take good care of your skin? I've been making a decent effort lately. I HATE the bumps I have on my arms from dry skin, so I've been moisturizing them as well as my face. What was your dream job when you were a kid? Paleontologist. I would still pursue it if I wasn't turned off by a career with loads of travel, nor do I think I have the patience to obtain a PhD. Is there any music you listen to that was influenced by your parents? Oh yeah, Mom especially. She's all about heavy metal, especially the classics. Dad too, but I'd say he's more hard rock. Do you use tampons or pads? Or both? Tampons, pads gross me out afsdjafjw. I started with them though. Is your internet wireless or do you need a cable? Wireless. What is something you’re behind the times on? Ummm idk. Have you ever had a severe allergic reaction? No. What color are your glasses, if applicable? Black. List a great $1 store find: Idk. List a great garage sale find: *shrugs* Who is one YouTuber you would like to meet? m a r k Do you have your own website? I have my own photography one. Do you like candy corn? Omg demons stay back. Were you happy as a kid? Yep. What is your favorite Queen song? If your answer isn't "Bohemian Rhapsody," I don't want you in my life. Who was the last person you blocked on social media? Why? Colleen, 'cuz I was kicking her out of my life and know that woman too well that she would try sending me a novel of hate, and I wasn't having it. Turns out she shared our drama over Facebook afterwards to make me the bad guy, and I still have trouble believing I forgave something that petty. She apologized for it, eh. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? The old woman my mom had watched. I knew enough about her to know she was a super sweet woman, so I barely held it together in there. She died the very next morning. Could you ever be friends with the person who hurt you most in life? Ha, no. He doesn't deserve my friendship. You never know what you have until you’ve lost it, true or false? Nah. What’s the craziest thing you’ve done? I dunno, possibly something sexual. When was the last time you spoke to someone in a different language? Back in high school when I was doing a German test over the phone. Have you ever successfully broken a bad habit? How about conquered a fear of something? Omg, so I had this habit of when I was thinking deeply or nervous, I would pull my eyebrows out. It got to the point it would sometimes look like I almost had none. Super embarrassing, especially because I did this a lot in school. As for a fear, it was never a big one, but going to see Sara broke my mild fear of flying. I like it now. Have you ever read a whole series of books? Yes. Are you going to walk at your graduation or just pick your diploma up? For when I finish college, I'm probably just picking up my diploma. Have you ever tried to break a Guinness World Record? No. Do you know how to read music? I recall some notes. Do you own any shirts that have a year on it? Ha ha, I got that "I was there" shirt for the Back to the Future date. Do you have any scratches on your cell phone? No. Is your skin tone lighter or darker than your mom’s? Lighter. Have you ever done another person’s make-up? I gave Jason a makeover. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Honestly still hope I have that picture somewhere. Regardless of what happened, that is damn good memory, he hated it so much. Is anyone saved in your phone under a nickname? Sara, Ashley, Nicole, and Mom. When, where, and why did a needle last pierce your skin? 'Bout two weeks back to get my tongue pierced. Who is the youngest gay person you know? Dunno. Have you ever watched an animal being eaten by another animal? Yeah, our old cats with mice 'n such. Do you get along with people who are especially religious? Why/why not? If you don't push it on me, certainly. Respect my theism, I'll respect your whatever. Do you have any interesting pillow cases? No. Are you more afraid of spiders or bees? Well, there's too much variety in this question. I'll fear a wolf spider more than a bumblebee, but a hornet more than daddy long leg. Has your best friend ever seen you naked? No. Do you get mad when your current bf/gf talks about an ex? Not at all. Do you know anybody who was abused? Yes. Would you prefer a baby boy or girl? If I was to have kids, y'know, I don't know. Perhaps a girl, but I know boys are generally easier, and feeling the bond between a mother and her son would be amazing. I'unno. When did you last feel like your privacy was invaded? I'm not sure. Do your parents volunteer anywhere? No. If you were a different religion from your current one, what would it be? Why? Wiccan, because their beliefs (that I know of) are interesting. Have you ever had your phone taken away at school? No. How old were you the first time you dyed your hair? Idk. I think first year of high school; I don't believe dyed hair was allowed in middle. Do you talk the same way you do in person as you do online? For the most part. How would you react if a doctor told you that you were infertile? I'd be like, irrationally happy. I don't want kids, and I have a considerably large fear of being raped and thus get pregnant, so. Do you get along with your best friend’s parents? Her mom's a bitch, and her dad's... different. Have you ever been in a relationship where you didn’t get along with the person’s parents? No. How many people of the opposite sex have you said ‘I love you’ to? One, romantically. Do you put marshmallows in your hot chocolate? No. What is the best thing you can draw? Meerkats are like the only thing I can draw decently without a reference. What band did you see for your first concert? Alice Cooper. Do you think people with legitimate addictions are pathetic, or do you understand them? Oh fuck off. I obviously can't "understand" because I've never endured one, but addictions are serious. Addiction is not a choice, and from meeting so many druggies during my psych hospital visits as well as having a friend who got clean, it's fucking hard. Has anyone you know ever had serious surgery before? Yeah, Mom had kidney cancer. The tumor was bigger than the kidney itself. When was the last time you had butterflies? When Sara was here, we had these few moments where we were just staring at each other smiling and asjdfawjij. Do you think Gatorade tastes refreshing or just gross? I don't like it. Do you own a pet fish? What kind of fish are they? No. Do you have a porch swing? No. How many area codes would you recognize? My own and childhood town's. Who has the best taste in music in your family? Besides myself obviously, Mom. What animal did you last pet or hold? My cat. If you were a different gender, what name would you want to have? Maybe like. Dakota. Probs my favorite unisex name. If you had to have one feature on your body changed to a canine version of said feature, what would you choose? Gimme dem teefs. What product or service do you find ridiculously overpriced? Some fast food, QUALITY MAKEUP, gas, uhhhh. How many people, outside of your immediate family, do you know the birthdays of by heart? Six, or seven if you count my dog. Maybe forgetting some. Shot of whiskey, or a bottle of Smirnoff? The latter, I love Smirnoff's. Have you ever been afraid of being underwater? No. Would you ever scuba dive in shark infested waters if you had the chance? In a cage, sure. Otherwise, no. Sharks are very much villainized, but I respect their capabilities, rare as an attack is. Have you ever hit a parked car with your car? Not yet, boy will I when I learn how to park around others lmao. What band/group have the most lyrics that represent you? Hmmm, not sure. How many times have you been on a plane? Four times that I remember, but I was on one as a baby, too. What do you wish were different about your hair? I wish it was eASIER TO DYE- What’s a personality type that you do not like? Overly talkative is draining for me. I also dislike the kinds of people who aim to make every "conversation" almost exclusively about themselves/leave no room for you to really express your own thoughts. That's not a convo. What’s a personality type that you do like? Deep thinkers. Those open to many possibilities, even if wild. Nature-adoring people and/or ones who feel heavily connected to the earth. Which of your friends is the least like you and in what way? Colleen. My best friend somehow, ha ha. She's extremely straightforward and isn't afraid to hurt feelings if she feels it's important for you to see truth, she gets shit done quick/doesn't procrastinate, she can be quite argumentative, she's completely independent, our religious and some political views are different, our music taste is totally inverted, and I'm sure there's more I'm forgetting. We're a prime example of opposites attract. Love her to death. How about the most like you and in what way? Sara, and I could write a novel here lmao. Separated at birth kinda shit. What’s something you do daily and is this a habit of yours? Sit on the computer, and yeeaah it's just about all I do. What was the last thing to frustrate you and is it still frustrating you now? Hm. Dunno. Probably something like Roman being so intent on lying on the keyboard. What helps you fall asleep? Nothing lol. Is there any type of medicine you can’t take? For what reason? Anti-depressants. Learned from my current psychiatrist that taking them only amps up bipolarity symptoms if you have that as well, which I do. Do you like designer bags with the logo stamped all over them? No. Is Russian or Native American history more interesting to you? Native American. If you had to choose to have a different accent than the one you have now, what accent would you choose and why? British, 'cuz it's hot. Have you ever missed a flight? Omg yes. O'Hare after visiting Sara was absolutely impossible. It was so. Busy. That and I didn't know what I was doing through half of it. If your ex suddenly kissed you right now, what would you do? "The" ex would lose his balls, the others I'd push back. Are you a virgin? P sure no but my story is complicated so aojsdfaow. What is one feature that you don’t like? I'm guessing you mean on myself personally, and that would easily be weight. I'd be relatively fine with myself if that was where I want it to be. What’s the genre of the current song you’re listening to? Metal ballad. What would you do if you were stuck on a boat in the middle of the ocean? I don't really know. A part of me says I'd be so hopeless and terrified I'd drown myself. The odds of being found are minuscule. Who is the funniest person you know? Girt. When sitting on the floor, in what position do you normally sit? Kinda with my legs turned to the same side. Do you like being kissed spontaneously or asked? Spontaneously is way less awkward for me. But only if you're pretty sure through my display of comfort that I'm fine with it. Have you ever tried to break someone up? I thought about it out of spite. I considered messaging her over Facebook and telling her what she was in for, and I wished her dead, and I'm not joking. Turns out he broke up with her for the same reason as me, according to Mom being a FB stalker apparently. Are you a bad influence? I am in some areas. Shouldn't be even remotely lazy as me, and you shouldn't illegally download shit. Would you ever get a tattoo? I already have five, and six is probably coming next year with holiday + birthday money. Do you get nervous before going to doctor appointments? Not really, no. The only thing that makes me anxious is having to get weighed lmao. Do you call anyone "baby?" Sara, but more frequently "babygirl." What is a movie that you thought you would hate but you ended up loving? Off the top of my head, I think A Raisin in the Sun. Do you have any close friends that were adopted? No. What time do you usually have a shower? Night. What do you want to do after high school? I immediately went to a community college but dropped out in like a month. My depression was so bad and I just couldn't handle the difficulty, responsibility, and independence leap. Do you know anybody that is pregnant right now? Not off the top of my head. My acquaintance had a baby girl less than a week ago, though.

#survey #quiz #questions #random

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readingraebow · 6 years

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Everything is Illuminated Section One

An Overture to the Commencement of a Very Rigid Journey - The Dial, 1941-1804-1941

1. Have you ever read this book before or seen the movie? If not, what do you know of the story? I have not read this book or seen the movie though my best friend in high school was obsessed with it. Her favorite actor was Liev Schreiber and he directed this movie so she watched it a lot though I never got around to watching it with her. And she read the book and loved it and told me to read it. So I bought it but, uh, never actually read it. Though if it's anything like Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, it's probably absolutely bananas but also amazing. And I honestly don't know anything about it. Though I was just reading some of the little review blurbs on the first few pages and apparently it's about the Holocaust?? That is actual proof that I know nothing about this book. But I'm very excited to get started with it!!

2. Where did Alex’s grandfather work and why is he coming out of retirement? I honestly don't remember reading the answer to the first part of this question and flipping back through, I couldn't find it soooo stealing part of Lizzy's answer (because I'm bad at things). He was a driver for Heritage Touring and he comes out of retirement to drive around The Hero (who is also the author; way to write yourself as a character into your own book *slow claps*) who has come to the Ukraine to search for the village where his grandfather lived and a woman named Augustine who saved his grandfather's life during the war and, thus, allowed him to exist.

3. Why did Yankel’s wife leave him? How did she break the news to him? She left him for another man and he just comes home to find a note on the door that says "I had to do it for myself." And the part that mystifies him is that it was so simple for her. He says that she was the love of his life but apparently that wasn't the case for her. She just left the note tacked to the door like she'd done with other notes with things for him to do or messages that she'd stepped out and would be right back. But leaving him is something much bigger and it hadn't seemed like a hard decision for her. And, yet, for him there wasn't really anyone else. He never married again.

4. What is Brod’s role in the parade? Have you ever been in a parade before? Brod is the most beautiful girl in Trachimbrod so she's the Float Queen. Basically this means she dresses up as a mermaid and rides in the parade. And then she throws sacks in to the river after which she was named and a bunch of men jump in to try to find the sacks and one of them finds the winning sack which has a bunch of money in it. And I have actually! I've been in 6. The first was in New Mexico. We had a family reunion on my grandmother's side (but I was a kid so I think it was her father's siblings and their descendants but I don't quite remember) and we had a float in their parade. I was like 5 or something so I just remember wearing a pinafore and pretending to stir a pot while I tried super hard not to fall off the float, haha. And then four times were when I was in band and marched. My hometown has two parades every year, one for Christmas and one for our annual festival in May, and I played flue in three of those. In one of them I got to hold the banner (and, thus, didn't have to play an instrument while walking in step which I was supremely bad at and hated). And, honestly, I don't really like parades so that was one of the reasons why I quit band, haha. And I'm also kind of glad I don't really have to go to parades anymore. Though, that being said, the last time I was in a parade was in October when I visited my aunt and helped her out with their Apple Days festival (which she conveniently didn't tell me I was working, haha) and so I walked with her and helped corral all the kids who had won the Johnny Appleseed contest and were riding around us on bikes. Thankfully, that was the world's shortest parade because I am also not great at corralling children, haha. So basically I don't have great luck with parades.

5. What happens to Brod on her way home from the parade? What does she discover when she finally arrives? I think she's raped? In the chapter before that, she sees a page of what will become her story and it mentions that she was raped and then that's mentioned again, in passing, at the beginning of the chapter when she's riding on the float. So then, when she's coming home from the parade she has to evade all of the drunks who are lusting after her and she comes home to find Yankel dead on the floor. And then outside the window, she sees the guy who won the sack contest staring at her. And basically that's where it stops? So it implies that she was raped but it never goes into detail. And it was right after she found Yankel dead. What a horrible day for her O.O

6. What is Alex saving his money for? He's saving his money to move to America. He says he keeps all of his money in the cookie jar in the kitchen which is safe because it's been ten years since his mother made cookies. He reasons that when the cookie jar is full, he'll have enough money to move to America. But he wants to be sure he has enough money for a really nice apartment in Times Square that is big enough for him and Little Igor and will have a large-screen tv to watch basketball, a jacuzzi, and a hi-fi. (Somehow I don't think a cookie jar full of money will be enough for all of that but okay.) He also asks Jonathan to send him articles about America (sports, movies, girls & accounting schools) so he can learn more about it for when he moves there.

7. How does the search for Trachimbrod go? Super not well. Sammy Davis Junior Junior ends up eating all of Jonathan's papers, including the map, so they have no idea where they're going. So they ask someone for directions and he's never heard of Trachimbrod so he gives them a general direction to go and tells them when they get close, someone should be able to tell them where to find it. Except everyone else they stop to ask says they also haven't heard of it. So they just end up driving around, waiting for someone to have actually heard of Trachimbrod. So, finally, they stop and ask this woman and she says she hasn't heard of it either but something in her tone says otherwise. And when Alex shows her the photograph, she says no but he says it sounds like a different kind of no. So he just keeps asking her if she knows anyone in the picture and she keeps saying no. And then finally he asks if anyone in the picture knows her. And then she says "I have been waiting for you for so long." And Alex points at the car and tells her they're searching for Trachimbrod. And she says "You are here. I am it." So Trachimbrod is apparently a person????? 8. What happens to the Kolker after he gets the job at the mill? Brod had a feeling that something bad would happen to him so she didn't want him to go to work and tried to stop him. But he went anyway and a saw blade ended up flying off its bearing and basically ricocheted around the room before finally embedding itself perpendicular in the top of the Kolker's head. It didn't kill him though. In fact, it didn't injure him at all except for the creation of violent mood swings. It basically created a second, very angry personality who would yell awful things at everyone and caused him to start beating Brod. This was completely unlike his normal personality and he couldn't control the violent side. After something would happen, he would apologize profusely and sometimes even ask what had happened. But, anyway, it created a more violent side which sent him to every doctor to try to get it stopped. However, the only way to stop it would be to remove the blade which would probably kill him. So instead, he just decided to sleep in a separate bedroom for the last year of his life which caused him to stop beating Brod but also meant that the last year of their marriage had them living almost entirely apart and communicating only through a hole cut between the two rooms.

Section One Reading Journal

What on earth did I just read????? So this is easily the strangest book I’ve ever read. And I’m not even done yet. Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close is one of my absolute favorite books and even though it’s a mess, it’s a really weird, enjoyable mess that kind of grabs you and makes you want to figure out where this is going. That’s not really how I feel about this book?? I just-- I don’t know. This one is so weird.

As of right now, I can’t really keep any of the characters straight (especially since everyone keeps changing names?????? What even???) except for Brod and Jonathan and Alex (though I literally didn’t know his name was Alex; I thought it was Sasha). I’m just really, really not following this book? I do finally have the three stories kind of straight though it seems like they’re all actually one story, just told on a very non-linear timeline.

I just-- I really don’t know what I think about this book. I feel like I will like it more after I finish it because it seems like it will be something really, really amazing when it all comes together. So I think this is one of those that’s a complete mess the first time around but once you get it (and maybe even read it again or watch the movie-- so at least have ~some kind of second interaction with it), it’s really great. I’m hoping that’s how I’ll feel. But right now, I’m just really not loving it.

Though the writing is, as always, super beautiful and there are lots of really great quotes. And Alex not understanding how words work is really hilarious. And no one understanding that Jonathan is a vegetarian is also hilarious. Especially that they won’t let you make modifications to orders??? Like you can’t just not make meat??? How is that hard???? That seems easier to me. But okay then.

So yeah. Some parts of this book I’m really enjoying. But some parts are just super weird and very confusing. Including all of Brom’s life. It seemed like her husband was the one who raped her but apparently he was coming to save her/check on her/came to the parade to meet her??? And she genuinely loved him. All of that could’ve been just *a little bit* clearer. Because I was so totally confused. And that’s how pretty much all of her story has gone.

But, anyway, I’m hoping the rest of this book will clear up everything we’ve read so far. I remember Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close being super weird the fist time around too but I don’t remember it being downright confusing. I don’t remember spending half the book wondering what was happening and if I’d ever feel like I wasn’t totally lost. So I have high hopes for the second half and I can’t wait to get into it!

(Also, as a weird side note, this book reminds me a lot of Chuck Palahniuk’s Pygmy. That one was also “written by” someone who could barely speak English and was hard as hell to get into but, in my opinion, it was honestly well worth it. It was kind of a headache to read at first but once you got used to it, it got a lot better. And that’s one of my absolute favorite Chuck books. So that’s kind of why I’m thinking this one might turn out the same way. I’m having lots of flashbacks to reading that one, haha.)

#trcbooks #2015: everything is illuminated #2015 reading challenge

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multimodalmagic · 4 years

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*Gentle music fades in*

Rebecca: This is the You Are Not Alone Podcast brought to you by Rebecca Santana with my co-hosts today Jessie Modrak and Noah Sullivan. Jessie is a recent UF graduate. Noah is a current UF student, as am I. And to start this off, I just want to say this is not going to be super happy podcast. It is about a very serious subject: Suicide rates among college students and mental health among college students. It’s not a super fun subject to talk about but it’s really important, so I have two students with me today to talk about their own personal experiences with that. First I really want to mention a UF student who took his own life very recently. In early June Huixiang Chen a former UF doctoral student took his own life and so we just want to take a moment to remember him.

*moment of silence*

Rebecca: So Jessie, tell me about what you’ve seen in terms of mental health among college students and kind of your experience with that.

Jessie: Yeah so, I feel like personally I have never struggled with a lot of the same mental health challenges that I’ve seen a lot of my very close friends struggle with. I’ve seen people who constantly have anxiety attacks over their academic school work or because of the stress of having to be able to financially support themselves while in college. And that’s very hard to witness and also very hard to support people through a lot of times because there really isn’t any proper education on how you should help other people when they’re struggling with mental illness. So when you find yourself interacting with people who are considering taking their own life it can be a very daunting thing and very overwhelming to be able to help walk someone through.

Rebecca: For sure. So would it be surprising for you to know that about a thousand college students take their lives every year?

Jessie: I feel like that figure could honestly even be bigger than that. I wonder even if that’s just at our university in general or if that’s a consistent stat across other universities, but that number’s already just way too high.

Rebecca: It’s true. Noah, what did you think about that?

Noah: Well, as transferring from a different university, seeing that the academic standard here is a lot higher than a lot of other colleges. Kids are a lot smarter, and that creates a competitive edge, and kids want to get that competitive edge and they’re making themselves more stressed out cause they’re studying a lot more. They’re studying harder. They’re studying longer hours. They’re exhausting their body. They’re not gaining the actual nutrients they need because all the time they’ve taken to study. So just to see them put their body through, and their minds through extraneous studying, and behaviors that cause them to stress and get depressed can change their mindset, and it looks terrible throughout the universities across the nations because it just proves that our education system is not really helping us but could be destroying us inside, internally.

Jessie: I think another thing to touch upon is the social pressure that I feel like a lot of college students are under, especially with the use of social media. I think people are way more prone to comparing themselves to others. And when you are feeling alone and by yourself, the first thing that you turn to is your phone, and people paint a reality that might not be actually showing the full picture, and so it kind of sinks people deeper into that hole and make them feel more alone. And it kind of just adds to all of that additional academic stress to be able to prove yourself, not just as a student, but as an emerging adult in this world. That you are capable of being able to financially support yourself and also being able to mentally support yourself, it can be a lot to handle.

Noah: Yeah.

Rebecca: Yeah

Noah: Honestly, as a person that doesn’t have a phone, I’ve been without a phone for three weeks now. Not having to go on social media, not having to worry about anything outside then what my realm is that’s right in front of me has been different cause it’s what matters what’s in front of me versus what’s in virtual reality, and it’s nice not having to worry about the outside but only if things are close to me.

Rebecca: Yeah, I think there’s a lot to manage, a lot to keep up with, and especially most people coming into college who have never ever had to do any of this on their own. You know, create new social circles. The pressure’s really intense and trying to maintain perceptions about yourself to the rest of the world can be incredibly stressful. More than half of college students in the United States have admitted to having suicidal thoughts at one point or another. Not saying that all of those students had them while in college, but I think that just kind of says something about our academic system and how it might not be working to our advantage all the time.

Jessie: Yeah, no I mean I definitely agree. I’m curious to even know what the stats are for people who are our age who aren’t in college to see exactly how they’re able to mentally cope with the reality of their own lives too because if you’re not in college as a full time student, odds are at this point in your life, from 18 to your early twenties, you’re probably working full time and that adds its own other layer of stress. So it is very interesting, but I’m also curious to see whether or not it’s actually the academics that’s completely to blame for this increase of suicide rates.

Rebecca: For sure. It’s definitely a lot of people in our general age group. The people most likely to commit suicide are in their late teens and early twenties, so definitely in the same age group. Not always late teens. There has been a spike in earlier teens also. There’s been a spike in suicide rates in general across the board but definitely among our age group specifically. Just something to consider. Gay people are much more likely to commit suicide, and just in our generation there are a lot of people who are not conforming to general normal sexuality, normal gender norms, that sort of thing which can always create that, maybe that plays a role. But I think there are a lot of reasons that people in our age group can be feeling that way, but there aren’t always resources for us, which is the problem. So tell me about the resources that you felt you had available to you in college and now as a recent graduate that you feel you have available to you now.

Jessie: Yeah, so I feel like being able to cope with and maintain your mental health can take place in so many different forms, and it’s really different for each individual. I’m a strong proponent for being active, and that if you can take care of your body physically it can help you take care of your mental capacity. In college I dove face first into recreational club sports, and I made that a huge stress reliever for me because it allowed me to be able to actually disconnect from my academic world and from my personal life and helped me really to just focus on strengthening my body. And also it brought me so many positive connections in my life. And even so now, I still use sports as a mental health escape, but that’s just what I do. In college I also went through a very difficult time when I lost my father unexpectedly and I turned to the Counseling and Wellness Center for help, and I was told that I needed to sit in on a group therapy session because that was the only option that they had available, and all therapists within our city were completely booked for the next four or five months, so I really had no opportunity to talk to someone one on one individually about what I was going through. And so the only way that I could seek support was going to be through that group/peer avenue, and that was just something that I didn’t feel necessarily comfortable with or what I wanted to do in order to help myself heal from all of the pain and trauma that I was experiencing at that time, so that was really frustrating to have wanted to turn to my university and to tell them these things. And in order to have gotten extensions on a lot of my assignments because I was struggling, I had to prove my father’s death, and I wish I had felt more support from the university during that hard time.

Rebecca: Yeah, absolutely. I feel like a lot of students at UF and across the nation are just not being served right by their universities in terms of funding for mental health and programs in general. I have had my own difficult experiences with the Wellness Center at UF. Noah, as a transfer student what kind of mental health resources did you have at your old school and how do they differ from what you have at UF?

Noah: Resources that we had at UNF… It was talked about, but is was never a huge source. There was the LGBT community, that wellness center, and then there’s a women’s help center, but you hardly heard about it. They definitely made you listen and do a lot of reviews, not reviews but a lot of seminars with the campus. Each class, like a civics class they made you take, take you into and watch a presentation of it, but it was very hard to access. You could walk in and do walk in hours, but it was very hard to look up online to see whether or not they’re available for not. But I’ve never experienced anything like that so I’ve never looked into it as much as other people have so my general knowledge about the resources is very vague. But here I’ve seen a lot of good things about the CWC, but I’m forced to the career wellness center here for a class, but I haven’t done it yet, so I’m curious to see how it goes. But just to see from UNF to UF, the resources here seems more apparent than it did at UNF.

Rebecca: Yeah, I definitely think UF has tried to do a good job about educating people about these services and about these resources, but actually having them available has been the issue. I know other students who have talked about just very long waits to get appointments. When they are able to get appointments there’s a time limit. Most people, if they’re actually seeing a one-on-one therapist at the Wellness Center, they are only able to see them for... I think six weeks is the maximum, and then after that what do you do if you’re not feeling yourself again let’s say. I personally think it’s a funding issue. I think colleges across the nation are just not putting enough money into these programs, and we just seem like we don’t have enough people on staff in our Wellness Center to keep up with the demand for mental health care, you know, here at UF especially in this really competitive environment.

Jessie: Yeah, I feel like that could be it. I full-heartedly believe that everyone who’s involved in the Counseling and Wellness Center is truly doing their jobs in order to make people’s lives better, and it could be a funding issue, but I also think there’s such a high demand for it that even with enough money we should be trying to figure out what more can we do ‘cause it’s not going to be just about making sure that everyone has their own personal therapist. It’s going to be about making sure that we all support each other and that we can all rely on each other for mental health, not just on a professional. In certain cases I think that bringing in a professional can be very helpful for people who are really suffering from suicidal thoughts and depression and anxiety, but I feel like a lot of what college is is just going to be very intense degrees of stress, and we need to be able to properly educate students on how to handle their stress management and how to be able to make sure that they find avenues in which they can decompress.

Rebecca: Yeah, absolutely. Noah what have you found helps you manage your mental health as a student?

Noah: I really like my job. My job creates a good environment for me actually. I know some people might not like it, but I work for New Scooters 4 Less, and it stays to my schedule very well, plus I’m on two club sports teams, so I play a lot of sports. And that clears my mind because I’m thinking about the sport at the time instead of thinking all the mental stuff that’s happening in my head. So it clears it out, gets that frustration out. I also like gardening a lot, so I garden a lot, and that gives me a lot of time to think for myself and to have my own time of peace and kind of meditate on what I need to think about.

Rebecca: Nice. Awesome. So just a few things here to wrap this up. If you think that someone you know might be struggling with these issues, just really try to be empathetic and listen to them. A lot of people just really feel like they need to be heard, so always be that ear. If you do go to UF or are a staff or faculty member you can take some trainings. An online training is available or an in-person training about how to spot some of the warning signs that someone might be having suicidal thoughts, and if you need to call someone right away you can call either the National Suicide Prevention Hotline or the Alachua County Crisis Center. I have the number for the National Suicide Prevention Hotline right now. It is 1-800-273-8255. This has been the You Are Not Alone Podcast. I am your host, Rebecca Santana, and thank you so much for listening.

*Gentle music fades out*

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mogdaze-blog · 7 years

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Motherly Secrets - Short Story

I can’t exactly remember where I was when I got the news that mother had fallen ill. At work, probably, because I can remember it derailing the flow of my day.

The drive back to Tucson to see her was harder than expected. She’d suffered, the doctor told me, from a series of small strokes in rapid succession - like being shot by a machine-gun, he said. She was able to talk and move a little, but she wasn’t going to walk again, and the most optimistic estimates for her life expectancy still gave her only just South of six months. I was going to have to drop everything and go home, to take care of her in her last, bedridden days.

Anyone who’d think of me as heartless for saying that has clearly never met my mother. In terms of love, care, and affection during my childhood, she ranked somewhere between an old pinecone and an inanimate slab of polished granite. She never beat me or called me names, sure, but her heart was never in the whole “motherhood” thing. As the years went by, I started to feel less like a kid and more like a tumour - this big, unsightly lump of flesh that kept her from living life to the fullest.

It’s hard, making someone your main priority, when you know you were never theirs. But if childhood had taught me anything, it was coping with that exact feeling.

I breathed a long, pained sigh, like a premature death rattle, as I pulled in past the city limits. The second I was of age, I got the hell out of this place, leaving my mother as a fading ghost in the rear-view mirror. Hadn’t been back in the twelve years since, hadn’t ever planned on coming back. Until now.

The house was almost exactly as I’d rembered it, apart from a few changes to the garden. A modest, detached home in the suburbs of Green Valley, with a front fence painted blue and overstuffed hanging baskets dangling on either side of the front window like garish, oversized earrings. The only light on inside was in the top-left window: the room where my mother was staying, and would stay until the end of her days.

It was like stepping back into a photo album full of my worst memories. There was no love here, no joy. Only cold, brutal indifference.

Most of the furniture in the living room and the hallway were all wrapped in plastic, ready to be removed. Mother wouldn’t be using them again, after all. It gave the grim impression that the whole house was just waiting for her to finally buy the farm, and then they could all move on with their lives too. Or maybe that was just projection on my part. Who knows?

“You must be Tania,” said a tired-looking woman in a nurse’s uniform, standing on the stairs, “your mother’s in bed upstairs, I left all her medicine in a cabinet nearby. You should have everything you need.”

This was Mary: mother’s carer, until I arrived to take up the mantel, Dr. Hartmann had mentioned her in his call. I gave her a curt nod and she filed past me, leaving out of the front door, and leaving me alone with the beast. In the silence of the stairway, you could hear her mechanically-assisted breathing echoing out from the open door of the bedroom.

Mom had been suffering from a number of problems for a while, the strokes were just the final nail in the coffin.

“Is that you, little missy?” She hissed, before evening hearing me. That frail, spiteful voice still made me wince. A decade away, and she still had this power over me. It made me more angry than afraid.

“I’m a grown woman, mother,” I said, finally plucking up the courage to ascend the staircase, “you know I don’t like being called that. I always did tell you.”

I stared at her through the bedroom door and found myself shuddering. She looked like the personification of the word “wretched”: this thin, decrepit bag of bones, hooked up to more wires and tubes than an old television set, looking child-sized in the bed she was confined to. Her mouth was covered up by an oxygen mask, but her eyes were still visible.

Those wet, hateful little eyes. A pig’s eyes,

“So you came back,” mother said with a long, wheezing laugh, “honestly, Tania, I didn’t expect I’d get to see you again. I thought you’d already washed your hands of me.”

She coughed and spluttered intermittently. It always sounded like it hurt.

“Of course I came back, mother,” I said, “I want to move on with my life, but to do that, I’m gonna need to tie all this off first. A clean break.”

I didn’t owe her any niceties, not after the way she’s treated me. I’d done a lot of research into the concept of childhood emotional neglect since I’d left the freezer-box mother called home, and I could say with total confidence that she was practically the textbook definition. Why should she get special treatment? A miserable life had earned her a miserable end, and if anyone deserved a sense of closure, it was me. Not her.

“You were always ungrateful, Tania,” she said, averting her eyes from my presence, “my momma, she beat the living crap out of me, did you know that? And my daddy, well he just stood around and watched. Said it was women’s issues, said he didn’t ought to get involved. When I left those sons of bitches and never looked back, I had a damn good reason to. What the hell was your reason for abandoning your mother, Tania?”

Shaking my head, I walked over to mother’s medicine cabinet and began rearranging the bottles of pills and ointments into their proper places. There was no winning with her.

“Can’t abandon someone who was never there, mother,” I said, “I’m surprised you even noticed I was gone.”

Mother made a spiteful little noise and turned her shrivelled head back towards me.

“I did more for you than you’ll ever know, Tania. Seeing you be so god damn disrespectful to me like this, it makes me sick.” She said.

I finally snapped, and turned to meet her gaze.

“Why did you even want me back here, huh? Why? Ever since I got here, all you’ve done is bitch and moan about me,” I said, feeling the skin on my cheeks turning crimson, “what do you want me to do?”

She paused, before taking a long, deep inhale from her oxygen mask. The way it distorted her voice made her sound almost monstrous. Again, maybe that was just projection on my part.

“Tomorrow,” she said, “you can make yourself useful and clean out the attic. Keep what you want, throw the rest in the garbage. You can sleep in your old room until then, I’m too tired to keep arguing with you. You’re impossible, Tania.”

The vitriol was new. What I’d always been used to from my mother was a cold, consistent apathy - never any questions to ask me, and always flat, one-word answers for mine. Maybe I was impossible, because I didn’t have the energy to talk to her any longer. I let my dying mother go to sleep, while I retired to my old bedroom - the walls still plastered with photos of early-2000s boybands and pop singers who were big at the time.

In a way, that was appropriate. If there was one thing my mother was always good at, without fail, it was making me feel small.

***

The next morning, I woke up early to get started on the attic, while mother still snored loudly into the miniature echo-chamber of her oxygen mask. Every slow, robotic noise she made set my teeth on edge. The sooner I could be done with all this donkey-work, the sooner I could rest a little easier while waiting for my mother to finally die.

It was junk, mostly. Disused furniture, broken lights, Christmas decorations that felt ancient to me. I heaved it all into garbage bags and left it in the hallway downstairs, extracting it bag by bag, the attic looking marginally less awful each time. I vacuumed up some of the dust and refuse, worrying that the longer I stayed up there, the more likely it’d be that I’d contract some form of bronchitis.

I’d given up all hope of finding anything interesting somewhere after the third cracked fibreglass Santa model, but found my curiosity piqued again when I discovered a little wooden chest peeking out from underneath a garbage bag full of shattered baubles. It was only a little bigger than a shoebox, I guessed, with a little padlock on the front. Feeling tired from lugging all the bags, I decided to take a break and take the mystery box downstairs with me.

A quick visit from a pair of bolt-cutters under the kitchen sink, and all of the box’s mysteries has been laid bare before me: a stack of old photos in a brown envelope, a cassette player with four matching tapes, and a little cloth bag - no bigger than an apple - tied up with string.

I admit, it was exciting, feeling like I’d stumbled on a real mystery in the midst of this graveyard. I hadn’t expected to have any kind of fun here, so what little I could glean from a box of old artefacts, I’d hold onto tightly and never let go. This was my mystery now.

First, the photos - all polaroids, probably taken in the seventies or the eighties. The first few were just of my mother, when she was much younger, before I ever came into the picture. There was something different about her, something…lighter. Like it was taken before some great weight was lowered onto her shoulders.

Figures, I thought with a grim eye-roll, and continued flipping through.

When I got to the bottom of the stack, the final photo made me pause. It was mother, still, when she was young and happy and beautiful, but she had a little boy with her. They stood together, holding hands, smiling for the photo. I’d never seen her look so cheerful in the flesh - it was like staring into The Twilight Zone.

I flipped the photo, and saw “Me & Jack” scrawled across the back in soft-tip marker. My curiosity was intense and harrowing - it occurred to me, upon looking at this photo, that really I knew almost nothing about my mother. It’d always been just the two of us - no dad, no grandparents. Just me and blank, distant mom.

So it begged the question: who the hell is Jack?

For a second I considered just asking my mother, but I dismissed the notion just as quickly. The second she sensed she could hurt me by withholding information, she’d just clam up and watch with relish as I squirmed. Every little act was a power play now, so I had to do it myself.

The audio tapes, I figured, might have some clues. Each was numbered, so I decided to push them into the recorder and listen. All of them were the voice of my mother from a different time, so much calmer, so much sweeter. The following is the contents of those tapes.

—

Tape 1:

Little Jack is six today, I can’t believe how fast he’s growing. Such a big boy, so tall and broad for his age. I’m not sure why I’m recording this, suppose it’s because I’ve never really felt like this before, and I wanted to remember that this was all real. We can both listen to it when he’s grown, and we’ll laugh that I was ever worried about all this. I feel new, somehow, like I’ve been reborn. He still holds my hand when I take him to school - those lovely little hands of his. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to stop holding his hand, even when he’s grown. What did I do to be blessed with a little boy like this?

Maybe it doesn’t all have to be bad. Guess mom was wrong, there’s hope for me after all.

Tape 2:

God, fuck. Just fucking…fuck. He’s got a heart condition, it’s defective. It’s fucking defective. The doctor says he can just deteriorate at any time, like a bomb where nobody knows how long the god damn fuse is. My perfect little boy, and his life might end before it even begins. Is it because I was happy for once? Is that it? Did I anger the fucking gods or something? I just don’t…understand. Why did it have to be me?

I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I just don’t know anymore. And there’s nobody left who can help me.

Tape 3:

I’ve been thinking about Jack lately. I’ve come to terms with the whole heart thing - really, the not knowing is worse than the end. We all have to die some time, of course, it’s just nicer to have a reasonable expectation for when that’s going to be. But, I think I’ve solved that problem now. No more waiting, no more worrying, no more uncertainly for my beautiful little boy. Such a big boy for his age. He’s crossing my mind more and more, like an itch I just can’t seem to scratch, but I know how I can scratch it.

No more false expectations. I think I can solve this. It’s all gonna be back on track again.

Tape 4:

Tonight’s the night. —

By the time I’d popped out the fourth cassette, I was shaking, with tears in my eyes. So she’d had a son before she’d had me, little Jack, and she never once mentioned it. She never mentioned any of it. To hear her like that, so happy, so alive, it was to me as unnatural as watching rain fall up and time go backwards. The most prescient question before was who the hell Jack was, but now I knew, and a new question had risen to the forefront.

What the hell had she done to him?

I knew my mother was a master of non-contact torture, but part of me still couldn’t bring myself to believe that she was a murderer. Another thing I knew is that I couldn’t possibly just ask her about it, because if she had even an inch to wriggle out of it, who could blame her for taking it? All that was left was the little cloth bag, tied up with a single piece of string.

When I pulled away that string, I did so with the precision of a bomb disposal expert cutting a wire. The sides of the cloth fell outwards like a flower in bloom, revealing what had been sitting inside for all these years. It took me a moment to realise exactly what it was - the small, gnarled little thing - but the second I got it, I shrieked at the top of my lungs and scrambled backwards.

It was a tiny, mummified hand. The hand she never wanted to give up holding.

“What the hell are you screaming about?” My mother, the child-killer, called down from above, “you damn near gave me a heart attack.”

A heart attack would have been too good for her. I wanted to call the police, have them apprehend her, let her eke out the last few months of her miserable life rotting in a jail cell, or at least the secure wing of a hospital, her thin, veiny wrists handcuffed to the sides of the bed. But I was selfish - I knew that even if they arrested her, they’d never find out why she did what she did. She’d wrench that vicious little mouth of her’s shut, and never speak another word, just to spite them. There was nothing they could threaten her with, she was - for all intents and purposes - already dead.

No, if I wanted answers - and I did - I’d need to yank them out of the old bat’s mouth myself.

With a shaking hand, I grabbed a chef’s knife from the kitchen, and hid it behind my back. Mother was ranting as I mounted the stairs, asking why I was being so rude as to ignore her. She was, after all, just asking me simple questions. Was I too ignorant to even comprehend that?

She still looked the same. Logically, of course I knew that’d be the case. But, after knowing that somehow, for some reason, she’d killed a little boy, I felt like on some level I should have been able to read it on her. I wanted to believe that an act like that would have to change a person, make them less human - mentally and physically. But no, it was that same little broken doll, wrapped in blankets.

“And finally, Queen Tania arrives,” mother said, her voice laden with venom, “such an honour for you to finally grace me with your presence. Have you even cleaned out there–”

“I know, mother. I know what you did.” I said.

I hadn’t expected it to come out like that, but there it was, just hanging in the air between us.

“What are you talking about?” She asked, indignant.

“Jack, mother. I know about Jack.”

When I said that name, something changed. Something in those small, shiny eyes.

“I still don’t know what you’re…”

“Give it up, mom,” I cut her off, “I found the box. I saw the pictures, I heard the tapes. I saw the…I saw the hand, mother. I’ve seen everything now.”

Silence. Total and overwhelming, like being locked in a pressure chamber. Mother just stared at me with an expression I couldn’t quite place, partially hidden underneath her oxygen mask. I was on the verge of tears.

“Jack…” She said, sounding almost, almost mournful, “that was meant to be private, Tania. Nobody was ever meant to know, it was going to be our little secret - mine, and his. Though I suppose that doesn’t matter much anymore, does it?”

I walked to her bedside, knowing I was on the precipice of doing something I regretted. The chef’s knife felt heavy in my hand when I first picked it up, but the longer I looked at my mother, the lighter it seemed to feel.

“Tell me what happened, mother,” I said, trying to hold back the sob that I felt was priming itself at the base of my throat, “I want to know everything that happened to Jack.”

“Do you really, though?” She asked, “because once you know, you can’t go back. It’ll stay with you long after I’m worm-food, Tania.”

“Just. Fucking. Tell me.”

Mother sighed again and turned her head away from me on the pillow, just like she’d done when she called me ungrateful the day before. It was almost funny, knowing she couldn’t take my judgement now, after all this.

“I ate him, Tania.”

My left leg turned to putty below the knee and I almost fell backwards. Of all the thousand scenarios I’d run over in my head since seeing the hand, somehow this wasn’t one of them. Even in the end, my expectations of her were just too high. She was more loathsome than I’d ever been able to imagine.

“You what?” I asked, voice pregnant with burgeoning sobs.

“Not alive, girl, I’m not an animal,” she said; there was no pleasure or anger in her voice now, just that same indifference I was always used to, “it was humane. I drugged his food with sleeping pills one evening, and once he was out I bent him over the tub and slit his throat. He was dead in about two minutes, didn’t even feel anything. He went out a lot better than I’m going to. The rest, I butchered and cooked.”

I was going to say something, but instead, I just vomited into a waste paper basket near the portable medicine cabinet. I couldn’t help but picture that sweet-looking little boy from the photos, little Jack, my brother from long, long ago, lying grey and lifeless over the edge of a porcelain bathtub - his neck split upon by a wide, red smile. She was a killer, she was a cannibal. She was my mother.

“I don’t understand,” I said through tears, “I thought you loved him.”

“I do love him,” she said, “I never stopped loving him. Not even for a second, not even when I was watching him bleed down the drain. I always loved my little boy.”

The knife was itching to taste my mother’s blood, but I tried to maintain control. I knew what she’s done now - an image I’d never clear from my head until the day I die - but I still had to know why. I needed to know why.

“When you get a little older, Tania, you’ll realise that all of life runs in cycles,” she said, “and if anything seems like it doesn’t, well, that’s only because you’ve not looked at it for long enough. Everyone’s in the loop, and the loop has to close eventually.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“My parents, Tania, I told you they abused me. They took away my power, made me feel like nothing - that’s why I escaped, and I swore nobody would ever take power away from me again,” she said, “I never wanted a husband, I wanted to stay independent. Jack came out of a one night stand, and I had him myself a few months later. I’ve never loved anything as much, before or since.”

I’d always known that my mother had never loved me, but somehow, that still hurt to hear.

“Those first six years before his diagnosis, Tania, that was the happiest I’d ever been. I felt like life had finally turned around - but when I realised that little Jack could die at any time, I woke up from the fantasy. I’d been lying to myself the whole damn time. You see, little missy…”

“Don’t fucking call me that.” I said, venting some of my confusion and fury.

“You see, Tania,” she corrected herself, each word oozing with spite, “there are two ways a person can take your power away from you. They can abuse you, and attack you, and physically dominate you - like my mother did to me. The other way is in making someone love you, like Jack did. And I did love him, I really did, but it made me weak. It took my power away, and that’s why he had to die.”

“Then why the fuck did you eat him?” I asked, thinking the rest of her insanity wasn’t even worth questioning.

“Because I loved him, Tania, I don’t expect you to understand, you’re a loveless little creature. Jack had to die so I could keep my promise to myself, but I ate him so he’d never have to leave me. We could be together forever - one body, one mind, one soul.”

By this point, I’d collapsed onto my knees and just started crying into my hands. Mother kept talking.

“I did you a great kindness, one that I suppose at least now you could fully appreciate,” she said, “I had you when I got lonely, but I knew that I was still the same person I was when I ate Jack. If I wanted you to be safe - and believe me, Tania, I did - I knew the only way to do that was to not love you. I’d keep my power, and you’d keep your life. Fair trade. Seems almost funny now, doesn’t it?”

“Funny?” I asked through gritted teeth, “what it seems is evil, mother, evil and fucking insane.”

She turned back to me, our eyes meeting again.

“Cycles, Tania. It was all pointless in the end - because here I am, weak, defenceless, and there you are, holding that knife, ready to kill me. Ball’s in your court, you’ve got all the power,” she said, her voice betraying a sick sense of gallows humour, “the loop closes. I became my mother, and you become me. It’ll keep going, until the end of time. Cycles, always cycles.”

It made me sick to my stomach, but she was right. It’d all panned out exactly like she said - but I would refuse her being right one last time. I didn’t have the strength to let go of the knife, but I poured everything I had into keeping the blade away from her. I wouldn’t close the loop, I refused to, I wouldn’t complete the cycle.

“No,” I said to her, “don’t you dare try to put this on anyone else but you. Your mother was a shit to you, and I’m sorry about that, but you’re twice the monster she was. You killed a little boy, your own little boy! You murdered him and then you ate him. You alone fucking did that, not anyone else.”

Even below the oxygen mask, I saw mother’s lips curl back over yellow, coffee-stained teeth. Not quite a smile, just the animalistic baring of fangs. For a split second, it felt like the facade matched the interior.

“Not quite,” she said, “I was bearing child at the time, Tania. You ate him too. You could even say Jack is gonna be with both of us for…”

Mother never got to finish that sentence. Before I’d even had the foresight to stop myself, I’d plunged the chef’s knife into the centre of her chest. Red bloomed from the wound, soaking into the sheets around her, as she coughed a little storm of blood into the oxygen mask. Mother’s shiny little pig eyes seemed to go flat and glassy, and she slumped back into her pillow, stone dead.

I let out a long, loud scream. I wasn’t sure if I was ever going to be able to stop.

***

But it did stop, in the end. I still believe mother was wrong: all things stop in the end. Life isn’t made of loops and cycles, it’s made of threads - it’s messy, it’s disorganised, it’s chaotic, but you always have choice. Mother, for a person so obsessed with gaining and keeping power at all costs, was so quick to assume that none of us have any. When I’d gotten my mind back, I called the local police precinct and turned myself in, told them every last detail and gave them all the evidence they needed to piece together what’d happened.

The trial was short, and the jury was sympathetic. It’s hard to not look at someone who murdered a child-eating killer as a dragon slayer rather than a cold-blooded murderer herself. The judge figured my time was better spent in a psychiatric ward than prison, where I could try to undo some of what my mother had done to me, and scrape every little piece of her black, cancerous memory from my brain. Once I’ve done that, I can go back to life again, and try to pick up where I left off.

I don’t think about her as often as I used to now, thankfully, though occasionally she’ll wander across my mind. The last thoughts I had of her was wondering what she must have been thinking when I stabbed her. In the narrative I imagine her head was putting together in her final few seconds, she probably pictured me running off into the night, screaming and covered in blood, wanting desperately to keep the power I’d gained, and destined to repeat all of her mistakes.

Mother was wrong about that too. I plan on making my own.

#horror #creepy #dark #tw abuse #unsettling #stories

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nordness · 7 years

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[ LITTLE ME by Little Mix softly playing in the background ]

introducin’ MARGO “ARO” NORDNESS

hola, sky back @ it again with another charrie !! ( i play these nerds: @elvyras & @horrcrphile ). warning, i love my lil snowflake v much & yeah, ik this is hella long bahEE. ALSO, i'm v nervous abt actually bothering & boring people, so it would be hella appreciated if you came to me for plotties

meet margo nordness, who happens to hate her name, but instead of having her friends call her marg or argo or whatever, they call her A R O. well … that’s surely what they’d call her if she had any. anyway

her parents met during a summer festival, quickly & thoughtlessly engaging in a fling, a fling that turned into a seemingly serious relationship. after only five months of dating, they got married. her mother was a nurse & her father was a mechanic. they were struggling financially, but a bigger problem was her father’s unreasonable jealousy. he’d forbid her mom to wear skirts & dresses, for example. almost exactly a year after their wedding, aro’s mom found out she was pregnant. she shared the news with her husband, hoping he’d be as happy as she was, but no. he ordered her to get an abortion, which she refused. they got into a heated fight, he hit her & then left. later that night he showed up drunk as fuck, packed his bags & just like that he was gone.

they got a divorce & aro’s mom moved back in with aro’s grandparents, who helped her through her pregnancy, along with aro’s uncle & his family ( she has two cousins who are like siblings to her !! )

you think you’ve seen the last of aro’s dad ?? fuck no ! when she was two years old, he showed up & tried to take her away from her mom, become her legal guardian instead

for years the two were fighting over the poor child, who had to go to different psychologist so that they’d figure out her feelings, whether she liked living with her mom, whether she missed her dad and would prefer living with him instead, whether she was depressed & so on. one time they asked her to draw her family & she drew her mom, grandparents, uncle & aunt and the two cousins. no father.

eventually her dad backed the fuck away, but he was allowed to see aro on weekends and such. she hated that. she’d always bawl her eyes out when she had to go see him. she didn’t know why, she simply hated the thought of him.

later they discovered that he never truly wanted aro for himself, that he was solely trying to reach out to her mother by using her as an excuse ?? like, he wanted to get back together with her & didn’t really care about the kid. but anyway, she hasn’t heard anything from him ever since she was 15. he simply vanished, so he’s out of the picture now.

aro’s always been a good kid !! golden !! everyone knew she was THE favourite grandchild among the three, perhaps because she was the youngest & the one who had had the most problems in her life

she’s always been good at school. a straight a student. her social skills, though ? awful. she was that shy, chubby kid who always got good grades. the kind that only hung out with other quiet kids & only during school hours. she had a couple of neighbourhood kids that she played with, however. AT HOME, though, it was like she was a different child. the loudest, happiest.

kids called her fatty & would only talk to her when they wanted to copy her homework ?? she was a complete loser in their eyes, painfully boring. they bullied her so fuckin much, she would always cry alone in her room, but tell her mom that she had the best time in school

that whole thing stuck with her til high school. in high school she was invisible. & while every other girl blossomed, she remained the same. baby face, struggling with weight. dating. while everyone was kissing and losing virginity, she had tragic crushes. her crushes would last for years. in high school, she had a crush on one of the popular guys, but they only talked, like, once. but no. he was perfect in her eyes. nothing ever happened between them, though

she had three best friends in school !! three quiet girls !! they were so different, but everyone viewed them as the same. they’re still best friends, even though they’re going to different colleges.

about the whole weight thing. aro hates food, she used to live on sweet things. she couldn’t understand why she had a bigger tummy & chubby cheeks. she was very insecure. after a series of tragic events ( her grandparents passing & her uncle shockingly dying as well - this is already too long, m not gonna write every lil detail ), she lost her period for four months. after going to 10 doctors, they found out she has hashimoto’s thyroiditis & insulin resistance. LONG STORY SHORT, she’s fine, she just needs to take her meds, exercise a lot, eat healthy ( gross ), avoid SUGAR & use stevia products instead ( which is the worst thing for her ), drink hella water & only a glass of wine now & then and she should be fine. of course, she cheats when it comes to sweets and alcohol, sometimes skips meals. BUT with this new lifestyle, her body started functioning normally & during the summer after high school ended, she got a rocking body & strenghtened mentally

even though her mom ( a nurse ) advised her against it, she’s going to med school now & wants to become a psychiatrist !! she hopes it will help her understand herself, her father’s choices, & help other people live better.

when i said that she wants to understand herself, i meant her slight anxiety issues + she thinks she’s bipolar ?? she thinks. she’s afraid to talk to anyone about it, but the symptoms are there

she’s more sociable now !! hopes people will burn the old images of her from their mind

she’s a demigirl with she/they pronouns & she honestly has no idea what her sexual orientation is ,,, like i said, she’s never been with anyone.

WANTED CONNECTIONS:

one or both of her cousins !! they’re both older than her & they all grew up together. they know she’s tiny & fragile, so they’ve always protected her & let her hang out with them and their friends & such. maybe one of them teases her a lot in order to make her stronger. idk

neighbourhood friends: a couple of kids who’d always go out and play hide & seek, play with a ball, run around, be careless together. aro would always forget about her worries when she was around them. perhaps they drifted apart slightly, but reconnecting after a few years would be amazing

kids who bullied her

high school best friends

roommate(s) !!

a guy she was desperately in love with ( or, she was desperately in love with the idea of him ), but they only talked once. mMmmMmm ,, does he remember her now ? did he share her feelings or would he laugh in her face if she confessed everything now ?

a half sibling ? like, maybe her father had that kid before he met her mother

a step sibling ? her mother has a boyfriend now & he has a kid. maybe they are tight af, maybe they hate each other who knows

extremely extroverted friend who drags her to every single party & tries to get her together with their other friends

literal MOM friend. the one who knows about her health issues & always smacks her hand when she tries to eat something sweet. maybe sometimes they feel bad, so they let her, but make her swear that she wouldn’t eat anything else sugary for the rest of the day. someone who reminds her to take her meds.

a person she met online. she likes them a lot. turns out they’re living in the same town. they’re supposed to meet, but aro’s anxious bc she’s too self-conscious. she’s worried she’s not half as entertaining irl.

some smooth motherfucker who’s like ,, aYE sweet mama @aro. 11/10 wants to teach her how to kiss, probably has an ulterior motive

the girl who made her realise she’s hella attracted to girls as well

#atxintro3 #@tag gods pls help me now #that song choice tho #mental health /#illness /#death /#body image /

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szopenhauer · 4 years

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why aren’t you with your first love? my first female crush was hetero

were you sad when you heard about michael jackson’s death? no have you ever kissed an ex after you broke up? because we’re together again lol how long could you go without cursing? not long if I’m around people :x did anything annoy you today? mostly my computer and thunderstorm have you consumed alcohol in the past 24 hours? I don’t drink so obviously not have you ever kissed someone who’s last name started with an b? no what were you doing at 8am this morning? sleeping if you were kicked out of your house, where would you go first? I would try grandma and my gf probably maybe my sister? if none of those options would work then I’d be homeless what will you be doing in 3 hours? hopefully sleeping is tomorrow gonna be a good day? what are you going to do? doubt it, nothing much are you satisfied with your life as of now? am not are any of your friends taller than you? of course, I’m very short have you ever gone out of your way to make someone happy? shitload of times who was the last person you took a picture with? my dad or my gf do you wear a belt with every pair of jeans? I don’t wear jeans or belts where did you get the shirt you are wearing? got it from my sister as a gift the last two people you kissed, are they virgins? I only kissed one person in my entire life and that’s personal describe how you feel right now in one word? bad anybody tell you they miss you lately? my gf made a post about it if that counts are you closer to your father or mother? my dad what’s your relationship with the person you talked to last? she’s my mom do you say sorry first? often did you speak to your father today? yeah, like every day what locker number is yours? I never had a locker do you sleep on a certain side of the bed? my bed is too small to have sides do you prefer an ocean or a pool? pool, ocean is more scary do you shut off the water when you brush your teeth? yup do you sleep with your closet door opened or closed? my wardrobe is always closed are you capable of holding down a long-term relationship? we’ll see is there someone that you believe you will always be attached to? at least my father if your best friend made out with your boyfriend/ girlfriend, what would you do? my father? with my gf?... what is bothering you right now? ugh... do you think someone is thinking about you right now? sure do you like when people play with your hair? I don’t care much do you miss how things use to be with someone? absolutely

how are you doing today? sigh... sex ruins relationships, right? could say so

do you think it’s a bunch of bull shit when people say “i have no regrets”? I hate this kind of ppl, stay away! who got you the jewelry you’re wearing? I’m not wearing any jewelry atm do you get scared during scary movies? I usually get grossed out how do you feel right now? *shrug* is there anybody you wish you could be spending time with right now? I’m fine being alone do you like hugs? depends two days from today, where will you be? either home or or hospital... or dead are relationships ever really worth it? time will show do you miss your past? badly is the last person you kissed older than you? nope, almost 2 months younger what color shirt are you wearing? black and white stripes with a cat shaped UFO and a pug what do you currently hear right now? nothing, I can’t listen to music anymore because my mom is asleep and I don’t want to use my headphones what are you planning on doing after this? maybe another survey

are you gonna be home tonight? yup, unless smth bad will happen then I will go to ER - you never know name the first person you can think of that you know that has a tattoo? I’ve been talking about it today lmfao W. and S. had tattoos do you slam doors when you’re mad? might is your room messy or clean? organized mess do you tell your best friend everything? it’s not possible but I try my best do you think anyone has feelings for you? it seems did your last kiss take place on a bed? I don’t think so are you someone’s best friend? one of best friends, not the only one have you kissed anyone whose name starts with a z? my name starts with z

when you take surveys, are your answers inspired by the person’s before you? I basically never read their answers, can happen accidentally but it doesn’t change anything

are you a “fan” of a lot of things on facebook? been on my old account, that was one of the reasons I created new profile, the only thing I regret about that fact is losing my Criminal case progress :(

have you ever “spoken” to any celebrities via. twitter? Grimes

do you like croissants? noooo

do you get a lot of traffic outside your house or not? nah what does the last jacket you wore look like? blue plaid with grey hood, buttons and pockets

do you eat cereal bars? tried some in the past

are you on any prescribed medication? can’t take any meds currently

how often do you change your bedsheets? rarely because I’m allergic to most of detergents and then I have ever bigger problems with sleeping

if you haven’t already, are you scared of leaving home? if you have, do you like it? just a little

do you know how to look after yourself away from home? (budget, pay pills, feed yourself, cook, clean, do laundry etc.) not everything, I need to learn some stuff yet

do you drink a lot of juice? nope

what would you do if you found an abandoned baby on your doorstep, with a note asking you to keep it and take care of it? it’s illegal...

how many times have you moved in your life so far? 0

do you have a certain routine in the bath or shower? what is it? I bath my shoulders first (unless I wash my hair then my head goes first)

is there anything that you loved a year ago but just can’t stand now? food mostly

what do you do when people give you mixed messages? I try to find out the truth

would you ever eat kangaroo steak? ewww, hell no

is there a chalkboard or whiteboard anywhere in your house? I hate chalkboards, I have magnetic board tho

do you like dried fruit at all? what’s your favorite type? meh

how many times have you been to the ER? at least 3 times how has this past week been for you? complicated

when a friend walks out of your life, do you go after them or let them go? walks out HOW and WHY? what do people think about you that isn’t true? long story, dunno where should I even start, plenty of gossips to mention what do you think about internet best friends? why not? how many months until your birthday? half a year does it bother you when your friends bring up your past mistakes? I do that myself but at times it doesn’t make me laugh but hurts me if the year consisted of only one season, which would you choose? summer? if somebody liked you right now, what do you think is a cool way to tell you? I’m taken so if we’re not talking about my partner then I don’t think someone should tell me that when was the last time you cried really hard? yesterday, today only slightly and just once could you go out in public looking like you do now? yes last person you gave something to? parents do you believe that if you want something bad enough you’ll get it? pfft honestly, has anyone ever seen you in your underwear? well I was in hospitals, been visiting many doctors, went to school where we had PE, have a family and am in a relationship etc etc etc would you ever shave your head to save someone you love? that doesn’t really help when’s the next time you will kiss somebody? not soon, second half of the next month? how’s your heart lately? physically or emotionally? are you a jealous person? a bit do you wear the hood on your hoodie? sometimes can you successfully blow up and tie a balloon? doubt it where’s the weirdest place you’ve changed clothes? not sure which place was the weirdest what are you doing next week? no plans what was the first thing you thought this morning? I was thinking about my dream (me and some strangers were in an abandoned factory of some sort and there were dragons chasing us but I was escaping and even saved a little girl) would you rather have your nose or tongue pierced? nose ever stayed up all night on the phone? not whole night has the last person you kissed ever been mad at you? she was indeed does someone call and talk to you every night before you go to sleep? luckily not has the last person you kissed seen you cry? few times did anyone see your last kiss? we were one on one have you ever kissed someone who was high? I haven’t do you want to please everyone? no way, it’s not possible anyway anything interesting happen this week? mostly interesting bad

do you still talk to the person you last kissed? in general because at this very moment they’re busy would you kiss the last person you kissed again? we're going to what does that person look like? tall, curly hair, glasses, black clothes have you dated someone who wasn’t good to you? not that I deserve anything good but... would you ever cut your hair 6 inches shorter than it is now? I would be bald :o when was the last time it rained? today last person you cuddled with dies, are you sad? omg

have you ever helped a blind/visually impaired person to cross the road? there was no occassion

have you ever had a letter get lost in the mail, only to receive it months/years later? I sent a letter to my (now ex) friend and she never received it because someone stolen it

do you ever feel disconnected from everyone around you? kinda

have you ever had a stalker? more than once

have you ever had to look after someone’s pet when they were away on holiday? sorta

do you know anyone who works as an air hostess? someone I know wants to work as an air hostess but she’s studying

have you ever found something in your home which belonged to a previous owner? there was no previous owner

^ even if you haven’t, what would you do if you did? would you try and find the original owner? no idea

do you (or does anyone you know) tend to exaggerate any sign of sickness? looks like it

have you ever owned a pet goldfish? no fish, ever

were you ever bullied in primary school? not only primary

have you ever been into any kind of sex shop? online ones count?

when you go to church, do you light a candle for anyone? there were those coin turned on lamp candles in Ełk that I loved but they’re gone

are you/or is anyone you know a really good painter? no one is that good

would you be more inclined to give money to homeless people who play music as opposed to just sitting and begging? that’s true

have you ever traveled by train? if so, do you do it often? at least once a year

have you ever been diagnosed with any kind of heart condition? when I was born

are you homeschooled? if you went to regular highschool, do you think you’d have liked being taught at home? wish I was homeschooled

is one of your parents very much into diy? my mom likes diy but not obsessively

do you know of anyone who is/has been in a coma? -

do you like skimming stones? I suck at it

would you ever want to work in cafe, even if only temporarily? not even temporarily

how much would you to do to get back something which contained your most treasured memories? damn

do you know anyone who is afraid of butterflies? I heard K. is

have you ever been inside a lighthouse? I don’t recall do you have any money from different countries other than your own? several coins if you already have your license, how did you feel on the day of your test? I don’t have my license do you care if you buy things that are ‘made in china’ or not? I avoid buying some specific items that were made in china would you rather swim in the pool or play in a sprinkler? none, am against sprinklers actually if you get your pictures developed, or if you have in the past, do you keep the negatives or just throw them away? my mom kept them

where were you 2 hours ago? home

are you wearing socks right now? almost always

have you been to the movies in the last 5 days? not since high school who was the last person to hear you cry? more like saw that I cried/want to cry, not hear have you bought any clothing items in the last week? mother bought a crop top for me this day one thing you hate about yourself? can’t choose one, there’s more what are your plans for the day? day is over did you have fun today? moment what do you know about the future? that I’ll die someday as every other human being do you have a tan? honey skin is my tan during summer how old do you want to be when you have kids? I don’t want to have any kids! how do you like your soda? I don’t drink soda who was the last person to make you cry? myself? what day is tomorrow? Friday have you ever worn red lipstick? it was the only one I ever used

do you know who bonnie and clyde are? remind me of Sara

are you christian? I am

if so, have you ever read the entire bible? I guess

are you generally attracted to more outgoing and loud people or quiet and mysterious people? smth in between

have you ever cried because you couldn’t be with someone? that was dumb of me

could you ever see yourself going to those college parties, getting drunk, fucking some random person and getting an std? u can apparently get std without parties, drinking and sex

don’t you hate it when things are amazing in other people’s lives and you’re stuck in a hole? very

do you have problems with one - or both - of your parents? with one of them way more

do you sleep a lot? barely

do you like drinking water? whatever

have you ever been to a funeral? 1

do you like writing? when I have smth to write about

are you doing/did you do good in school? got worse with time

do you think moths are bad luck? whaaat? but they’re so pretty! :o

or do you not believe in supersitious stuff? I believe in some superstitions but like five of them or smth

will you date someone that’s not your race? I believe

i hope you aren’t racist… are you? am I? :(

have you ever made yourself throw up? disgusting, not able to do that

do you think you exercise enough? I don’t exercise

have you ever pierced something on your body, yourself? I’m not stupid

Have you ever listened to the same song on repeat for hours on end? that happened Do you like staying in hotels? hmm... Are musicals interesting or boring? annoying, besides Cats What is your favorite scent of incense? I don’t burn it

Can you tune a guitar by ear or do you need a tuner? need a tuner Do you like love songs? oh well...

Don’t you hate it when your eyes burn? it’s awful, got that problem last weeks Have you ever sex texted? I’ve sexted

Would you know who to talk to if you wanted weed? but I don’t want it Have you ever worn leather? fake What is your greatest fear? personal If you could kiss anyone right now, who would it be? my gf What perfume do you wear? none, I hate perfumes Do you smell good right now? I don’t think so What is your favorite energy drink? never tried any and don’t want to

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