#maybe one day I'll have enough time to finish this and the other 100+ works I have in progress 😭

[ikeuverse]

BIRTHDAY SURPRISE — p.jongseong

PAIRING: jay x fem!reader GENRES: fluff WC: 2.3k+

WARNINGS: maybe two swear words. just something simple for our jay's birthday.

NOTES: happy birthday to our black kitty and guitarist jay! i'm not 100% happy with this, but i wanted something quick just so i wouldn't spend his birthday doing nothing (and because i'm sick today), but all for our jay. i hope you like it!

masterlist

Jay was thrilled to be returning two days before his business trip. He wished he'd had time to tell his family and friends so they could organize a party to celebrate his birthday, but he only managed to call Heeseung and Sunghoon so they could pick him up at the airport.

Seeing his two best friends after passing through the arrivals gate, Jay breathed a sigh of relief because he could finally take his mind off work and go home. To his family.

"Hey, buddy" Sunghoon waved to him when he was close enough, welcoming him with a hug that Jay didn't even bother to reciprocate.

"Hey man, I missed you," Jay mumbled after letting go of Sunghoon and going to hug Heeseung.

"Awn, did he come back more sentimental?" Heeseung squeezed him in his embrace, hearing his friend laugh after releasing him.

"Italy does that to people," Jay said.

"So," the three of them started walking through the airport, Sunghoon making a point of carrying Jay's suitcase, assuming the boy was tired from his trip, "how did you find inspiration in another country?"

"Italy surprised me, I'll be honest" Jay walked between the other two "I think I'll be able to bring a lot of ideas to the restaurant."

Being a chef had its advantages, such as traveling to a country in search of something new for the menu, which Jay always made sure was sophisticated. He knew that after graduating in gastronomy he would never stop studying, because that was the fun of it, learning all the time in a vast culinary world. Where he knew he could get to know even more, learn even more, and make his restaurant the most talked about and visited in the country.

"Where are we going?" As soon as the three of them reached the car, Sunghoon put Jay's suitcase away and pulled up next to his friend, smiling.

"Oh, we managed to warn your mother and she wants to have a little get-together for your birthday," he shrugged as if it were a completely casual conversation.

Jay looked surprised, raising his eyebrows and even smiling a little more than usual.

"Really?" Jay's smile widened even more when his two friends agreed.

In his mind, it would be something very small indeed, as many friends as he could gather and a few relatives who lived close enough to give them time to get to Jay's parent's house for the reunion.

But little did he know about the plan hatched by Sunghoon, Heeseung, and you. Jay had no idea of the surprise that awaited him at his parents' house and perhaps that was the fun of it all because everyone wanted to see how he would react when he arrived.

"What's up Jay, did you tell Y/n you were back early?" Heeseung was in the passenger seat, Sunghoon driving and Jay was comfortably in the back. The two in the front didn't want to show too much to their new friend.

"I sent her a message, but she won't be able to make it," he sighed tiredly, running one hand through his dark hair "Since I traveled to Italy, she went to her grandmother's house on the other side of the country. We were going to celebrate my birthday by Facetime, so…"

"Oh, I'm sorry" he tried to send a sad smile – which he had rehearsed in the mirror with you and Sunghoon – because you had already told him that this would be Jay's answer when asked about you. Little did he know that his trip back had been part of the plan between Heeseung and Sunghoon, who wanted to do everything they could to get their friend back ahead of time.

Jay also had no idea that the trip to Italy had ended early thanks to the two friends in the car. They had expedited everything so that Jay would think he had finished things ahead of time and could return.

It had never been so easy to fool Park Jongseong, Sunghoon laughed the night before when he saw Jay's message telling him that he would probably make it back in time to spend his birthday with his friends.

The car journey continued with them catching up, Jay telling them about the things he'd done and hadn't managed to send a photo to his friends. Sunghoon wanted to scream when he talked about the sights he'd visited, making Jay promise to go back with the two of them so that he could show them everything he had to.

"And here we go" Sunghoon announced as soon as he stopped the car.

Jay's parents' house had always been very cozy, large, and bright. Jay remembered every moment he spent there with his two friends since high school. When they rang the doorbell to ask Jay to play video games, or when the three of them stayed out late at night on the front porch drinking beer and idealizing life after university.

That house had so many memories that Jay hadn't been able to stop smiling since he got back and was getting out of Sunghoon's car.

"We'll get your suitcase later, come on" he locked the car with the alarm after the three of them had left, letting Jay go ahead and walking very slowly so as not to spoil the surprise.

The plan was for him to get in first while Heeseung pretended to tie his sneakers in case Jay asked what was taking them so long, and Sunghoon would help him when Heeseung pretended to trip. Lucky for both of them, Jay just followed. Too eager to open the door to his parents' house.

"Wait for us, Jay!" Heeseung made sure to shout as loudly as he could to let Jay know he was near the door. The people inside the house were as quiet as possible so as not to spoil anything prematurely.

"You two are too slow, what's going on?" Jay turned quickly, seeing Sunghoon and Heeseung laughing as they slowly approached. Without missing a beat, Jay turned the handle and the door opened.

The cry of surprise caught in his throat as the house seemed much fuller than he would normally have thought. The balloons in the corners and his family and the rest of his friends were well positioned in the living room for the arrival of the – almost – birthday boy.

"What…" he turned to the two behind him.

"Surprise, man" Sunghoon held Jay by the shoulders while Heeseung ruffled his hair, excited that it was finally over.

"Hi, my son" Jay's mother was the first to approach, hugging him as tightly as she could. Jay hugged her back lovingly, conveying in that gesture how much he missed his mother.

The moment was spent with Jay greeting his family, and hearing congratulations on his birthday, even if it was only a few hours away. But he would accept because, from the amount of booze he heard Heeseung say, no one would be sober until midnight to remember to congratulate him.

Jay finished hugging his friends and inevitably looked for you among all those people, even though he knew it would be impossible for you to be there. Not because of the way Heeseung had apologized for mentioning you in the car.

He quickly took his cell phone out of his pocket to text you and was surprised when he picked it up and your name flashed on the screen. You were finally calling him.

"Hey, my love" Jay didn't even wait to answer, immediately hearing your voice.

"Hey, almost birthday boy" he could have sworn his heart was floating just from hearing your voice and your laugh, two sounds he missed very much "How was the trip back?"

"Great, I'm finally home" he said, looking around as he saw his friends interacting with his family "Hee and Hoonie threw a surprise party for me."

"Oh, really?" you tried to hold back the urge to murmur cute things because he was telling you that, hardly knowing that things were still over "And how did it feel?"

"It would be better if you were here, to be honest" Jay found a secluded corner in the living room where no one would mind if he stayed while talking to you on the phone.

"I wanted to be there too, love" your voice was sad now, thanks to your role-playing with Jay's two best friends. Everything had to be perfect for him to believe it "But I can't miss your birthday, can I?"

"What do you mean?" Jay asked. Eyebrows knitted together in curiosity, he looked up when he heard Sunghoon shouting excitedly to Sunoo and Jake about something they could do later as a group.

"Let's go, shall we, Jay?" he heard Sunoo ask from afar, nodding in agreement even though he didn't know what it was about.

"I sent you a present, I hope Heeseung and Sunghoon took good care of it."

"Babe? What…" Jay got up from the sofa to look for his friends, spotting Heeseung near one of his uncles and beckoning him over "What have you prepared for me, huh?"

"I can't tell you or it'll spoil the surprise."

"What?" Heeseung mumbled as he approached.

"Y/n said he has a surprise for me and it has help from you and Hoonie" Jay hadn't hung up the phone yet, knowing that you could hear the two friends talking.

"Hi, Y/n" Heeseung shouted enthusiastically and laughed when he heard, even low, your greeting to him "Okay, your present is outside."

"Outside?" Jay asked, not knowing if it was meant for you or Heeseung, but you both agreed at the same moment "Babe, what are you up to?"

"Getting up to something? Babe, I swear I did it with all my heart" Jay heard a noise behind your voice, as if you were fiddling with something, but as soon as he went to answer, the call ended.

"Shit" he looked at Heeseung and then at the cell phone with the call ended.

He'd asked Jay to call after he'd picked up the present, perhaps to tell you his reaction once he'd gotten it. Jay had no idea.

Walking up to the front door, he put his cell phone back in his pocket and opened the front door a little dejectedly. His eyes drooped even though it was for his surprise, but he didn't want to show how sad he was to have missed his call.

Or not. Now Jay was in complete shock. It wasn't possible that you were standing there in front of his parents' house.

"What the fuck?" Jay almost shouted.

"Oh" you pouted your lips, "I told you he wouldn't like the present, Heeseung."

Heeseung would have answered if it hadn't been for hurricane Jay, who burst through the door to take you in his arms. Hugging you tightly and spinning you around in the air.

Your laughter close to his ear was even better than over the phone, your voice calling his name was even more comforting than listening to you on a cell phone. Jay was on cloud nine.

"How…" he caught his breath after hugging you for long minutes, pulling his face away from your neck to meet your eyes as he leaned his forehead against yours "How did you all manage it?"

"Surprise you?" you asked, your warm hands running down Jay's cheeks and holding his face between your hands "Maybe because you deserve it after a long and tiring trip."

"I didn't know you were coming, I didn't know anything about it" Jay felt like running down the street shouting that this had been the best birthday of his entire life.

"We did our best to make everything perfect" you said.

"And it's only because I have you all with me" Jay whispered, sliding one hand around your waist and the other up to your face.

Finally he was able to feel your lips against his in a kiss he'd been needing ever since he got back. The taste of your lips and the gloss you were wearing mingled with his tongue as he rubbed the tip to ask for passage, soon tangling it against your tongue and pulling you even closer to him.

Jay wanted to eternalize this moment. Eternalize the vanilla-flavored kiss with a taste of longing that only you could provide.

"I love you so much" Jay whispered against your lips after he needed some air, but he didn't want to part with you so soon.

"I love you even more" you whispered back, kissing him again just in time to hear someone call his name from inside the house.

Now it was time to part, in fact, and intertwine our fingers in yours to enter the house.

"How about we start the party now before happy birthday?" Sunghoon stirred up the crowd, lifting a bottle of booze and filling a glass to hand out to anyone who felt like starting to drink.

Everyone celebrated together, wanting to start Jay's little surprise birthday party.

"I bet everyone's drunk by midnight" Jay leaned towards you to whisper, drawing a laugh from you.

In return, you leaned towards him to kiss him once more, accepting the glass Sunghoon had offered you when he passed you and Jay.

"Well, I bet they will be before then" you drank a little, handing the glass to Jay who also drank, choosing to share the alcohol with you so that neither of you would get drunk so quickly.

Looking around, Jay felt complete and fulfilled. He was lucky, and he wasn't even talking about having traveled out of the country a few days ago, but rather because he had something more valuable than any tourist spot: and that was all the people who were inhabiting his parents' house for his birthday at that moment.

© ikeuverse, 2024. do not copy, translate or steal my stories.

#enhypen #enhypen fluff #jay fluff #jongseong fluff #enhypen jay #park jongseong fluff #enhypen masterlist #enhypen x reader #jay x reader #jongseong x reader #happy jay day! #enhypen scenarios #enhypen imagines

[liyuee-qixing]

“Noble Princess”

You're the tsaritsa daughter and the snezhnaya princess,after you finish your study on Sumeru academia she decided you're mature enough to be married with one of her Faithful Servant Harbinger.

Note:I thought the last one wouldn't blow up and I could just leave it be but hey, here's second part😟,I think I might as well up this on AO3 and WP and make it as series or a singular fanfic

Scaramouche is a little pathetic but that how I like my men

Character: Scaramouche,IL Dottore,Sandrone

PT.1 (la Signora, Tartaglia, Pantalone)

Pt 3:

scaramouche

Look. He definitely,100% and absolutely not the type of person to have a crush on someone, especially you,yea you. But- BUT YOU MADE HIS STONE HARD HEART ACHES SO BAD

he tries to look calm and collected when you're around. He try to look like he didn't care about what are you talking about. (Keyword:try) but then failed miserably

The fatui agent and subordinates have been talking about him being so soft recently. THAT ALL BECAUSE OF YOU FAULT.

He know he's not on your rank. He won't try as much as raises his voice to you,he try to change his personality when you're around,the harbinger already notice about his personality change.

He only join the fatui so he can achieve the gnosis for himself,but now that you were introduced to him,he want you. More than how he want the gnosis

Jealousy issues lmaosudoshdi

HE'S VERY AND VERY VERY VEYR TOUCH STARVED. JUST GIVE HIM A HUG AND HE'LL BE BLUSHING AS SHKT

"you piece of shit,can't any of you do a simple work done for once-" the balladeer shout angrily at his subordinate who kneeling in front of him.

"my lord scaramouche,the princess has requested to meet you,do you-"say a fatui subordinate. Kneeling behind him.

"approved, dismissed! All of you" he shouted once again,the fatui subordinate was gone. He had a glimpse of happiness when he heard your step

"Your highness,what do I owe you the pleasure?"he offer you a small thin smile painted on his face,a genuine one.

"don't be so formal,balladeer. This is sort of random,but have you see the ninth?" His smile never faded away so fast,he frowned. What Business do you have with Pantalone? Do you like him?

"I'm sorry for my rudeness,but why do you need him?" He asked,it now obvious he's jealous. Because of what? Because of Pantalone being your favorite Harbinger? Because of someone he doesn't own hanging with other person?

"isn't he's free today,I thought strolling around the palace with someone is so much better than alone,ah. I must have disturb your work longer,I apologize. I'll leave now" you explained,you quickly picking you speed going away from the sixth

"wait no! I'm free,I can accompany you if you want,I can take you anywhere you want" out of the sudden he reached for your hand and linked his hand with yours

"out of the sudden? I don't see why not though"you smiled at him,it bought a glimpse of happiness to his face as well also maybe a LITTLE blush definitely didn't spread all over his face. Yes definitely not 😊

Il Dottore

He was never loved. All he get in life is discrimination and hate. But now he's craving for your attention. no,no,no he shouldn't fall in love with you.

He's probably too shy or hesitant to talk to you. You're not on his rank so he has to be careful with his word

He doesn't really have time to spend,so he only see you whenever you pass by. But it was enough to make his day

He got jealous whenever you spend more Time with his clone

He often caught you staring at him a little bit longer than you supposed to. He'd be panicked,is it a hint of something? Did he do something wrong? Is there something on his face? Is he too handsome? No that out of line,he just pretend it never happened and that he never saw you staring at him. Yeah definitely not..

He saw you multiple times braiding Signora and Pantalone hair. He always craved that,ugh. Even damslette and Childe get that treatment,how come he doesn't???!?!?!?!

It all until he saw one of his clone in you lap under a tree,you were braiding his hair slowly and carefully.. that when jealousy burst into him,the closest things happen to him was an eye contact,how come his clone get to take a nap on your lap

It's currently a good weather on snezhnaya,it not really snowy as it always do. You were currently sitting under a tree by your self alone. It until the fourth of the harbinger pass by. Your eyes was locked on his back, without of you realizing,he was aware you was staring at him "your highness, you've been staring at me way too long,is there something I could help you with?" He asked,his flat and cold tone was like the usual. The only difference is that his voice was lot softer

"ah. I'm sorry,I didn't realize I stared at you for way too long to the moment of your discomfort"you was startled at first,not expecting him to be aware of you staring at him

"I'm interested in your thoughts actually,So go ahead,tell me what you have in mind" he asked, walking closer to your sitting figure. Waiting for an answer

"I wonder if I could braid your hair,but if you don't want to, it's fine. I could move on,I mean I always do it to another harbinger and i-"you finally spit your thoughts out. Hearing the name of 'other harbinger' make Dottore ear burn. Do he own you? No. THEN WHY DOES HE FELT THIS WAY,WHY DOES HE FEEL SO JEALOUS

"so you're interested in them? Then go ahead if it what you desire" Dottore look a little hesitant at first,but he can't just let you slip out and ask other harbinger to braid their hair lovingly!

So you did, you lay his head on your lap as you braided his hair,at first he was hesitant and nervous as heck. But as the time passed he become more relaxed

You probably just made him fall for you even harder. Poor man just wanna be loved

Sandrone

When she first met you,she stares at you way and WAYY to long.

She'll write every single of your special interest,your preference, everything about you,she even draw you on her journal

She's a quiet and Mysterious lover. . She rather watch you from afar than to approach you.

Buttt... If a harbinger ever made her felt jealous,she should not lose you. Especially if it tartaglia,she couldn't lose you to him! Heck no!

When you requested for her assistance, she is more than happy to accept it. Through the whole assistance process she compliment you all the times,it make you felt very flustered. Your heart would aches when she say good things about you

That royal uniform you were today? Hey! That perfectly matches you! Your jewelry,your make up,your touch? Everything about you is perfect on her eyes.

"your document have something wrong with it"she said as she look through your documents,your eyebrow knitted together,what possibly goes wrong?

"What wrong?" You asked, looking a bit in panic as you looked at Sandrone frowning face.

"Your name doesn't have my last name in it,is it a technical issues?" She said along with a small giggle,you sigh,it just Sandrone being Sandrone.

"Don't be so panicked, darling,sooner or later, you'll have my last name on your name"she giggled once again,you also giggled at it,but deep inside you know she was being dead serious me when

THIS IS SO BADLY MADE AND LIKE 20 MINUTES LATE TO BE UPLOADED,I HAD TO RUSH BEFORE THE CLOCK HIT 00:00 BUT IT WAS 00:20 AS I WRITE THIS SO IM SO SO SO SORRY.

#sandrone #genshin imagines #dottore fluff #dottore x reader #fiction #genshin headcanons #scaramouche #scaramouche fluff #fatui x reader

[splish--splash--minecraft]

So...I've reached 100 followers now (wowie, thanks guys <3) so I've decided to do a little poll to figure out what AU I work on next!

I'm working on a fic for the tiny apartment AU at the moment, but I'm close to finishing it. My plan was to take a little break from that AU once the fic is posted and work on something else (pizza AU?) but I've decided instead that I'll let my followers decide what they want to see from me!

I have...a lot of options. Including tiny apartment AU, since I'm certainly not opposed to working more on it! I've just been kinda focused on it a lot lately, and I have other AUs. But if enough people want me to keep working on it, well...I won't say no.

I have...a lot of options. I'll give brief summaries of each one to help you decide what you want the most! Some also have more written for them than others, while others still are much longer than others (one AU I have dubbed the "longfic" since...well, it's going to be long).

Below the poll is a summary of the AUs, in the order that they appear in the poll.

Pizza AU

The AU in which Grian works at a pizza place and Scar comes in every week at a ridiculous hour to get a pizza. Found here. This fic is fully outlined, though I've not written much for chapter 2.

Tiny Apartment AU

The one you all know and love. No? Just me? Oh well. I still have a LOT planned for this AU. So many WIPs I've started and still other fics for the series I have planned but haven't actually started. If this wins, I might do another poll with some of the WIPs and let y'all decide which one to work on from there. Maybe.

Lifeguard AU

This one's a fun one! Scar works as a lifeguard. Pearl does, too, and one day she drags her brother (Grian) out of the house and convinces (bribes) him to go with her. He complains the whole way there...until he gets a look at Scar. And when Scar's shift ends and he goes to talk to Grian, he decides that maybe going out of the house to the pool isn't the worst idea. I don't have much for this AU yet. I've started it, but it's not a lot, and I only have some ideas for some scenes. This one also has t4t scarian. just 'cause. Both are transmasc

Longfic

Called such because...well, it's gonna be long. It's currently at about 7k words. Technically it's the long series - it'll be a series of fics that span over the entirety of the life series. Each fic is a season, and it also features some stuff back on Hermitcraft in between each. For now, I'll just work on 3rd life. Oh, also, it's mainly from Scar's POV (though there will likely also be a fic with some scenes from Grian's POV). Basically a deep dive into 3rd life, with canon scenes and some of the...in between.

Royalty AU

Scar is a prince, and Grian the knight assigned to be his bodyguard. Except it's really more to keep him in line, because Scar has the tendency to go off and do his own thing, so his parents assign Grian -someone known to take no shit and takes his duty very seriously - as his bodyguard. At the start, they don't really like each other that much. Over time, though, they get closer. Much closer.

Fallen Watcher AU

You guys remember that guardian angel AU? This is that but I've reworked it a bit. Rather than being a guardian angel, Grian is a Watcher. He's put in charge of Watching Scar. The Watchers have some sort of plan I haven't quite figured out yet, but it involves Scar dying. But Grian...has grown attached to him. He doesn't want Scar to die. But as a Watcher, he's not allowed to do more than just Watch. But he interferes anyway, saving Scar's life, and the Watchers are furious so they cast him out. So now he has to deal with being mortal all while the guy he saved the life of keeps flirting with him.

Ranchers fic

Something that's...not scarian! Wow. Nobody tell them but this is mainly for Grace. It's a double life ranchers fic with (poorly) hidden injury. Since...well, kind of hard to hide an injury when the other can feel your pain.

So...yeah! There's the AUs for this poll. I have more, of course, but these are sorta the main ones. Whichever wins I'll work on after I finish a tiny apartment AU fic. Depending on which AU wins, I may also work on the second place winner alongside it. We'll see.

You're also free to reblog to try and rig it! Bribe people. Try to convince others to vote. do whatever idc have fun

#scarian #ranchers #trafficshipping #hermitshipping #fic #idk what to tag this with

[fairydares]

Reminiscing on the Hard Road (A Gruvia Fic)

Rating: M

Summary: While on his way to a mission, Gray reflects on the hardships, tears, battles, and triumphs which led to him and Juvia finding their happiness together. (Or: the story of how they finally, officially got together told through memories).

AO3 Link ; FFNet Link

Words: ~8,000

Warnings: Please read with caution as this contains adult themes & situations (though nothing explicit). Also swearing and allusions to mental illness, dissociation and depression symptoms especially. Man this feels like the end of a drug commercial. Enjoy!

AN: I realized how long it'd been since I updated Chasing Tails and was feeling really bad about it. I'm so sorry, guys! I've just been really busy! I don't have time to get Chapter 5 up tonight, but I do have the time to share this Gruvia piece I wrote a while ago as a karmic sort of apology.

With that in mind, this is a bit of a rough, long one-shot. It comes from a chapter in a larger, mostly Nalu-focused fic which I may or may not ever actually finish writing. Sooo it's not even really a one-shot so much as it's, like, a segment of a chapter from one. I also barely had time to clean it up ever so slightly.

However, I thought Gruvia fans would appreciate anyway. Maybe one day, I'll write the whole thing because I honestly think it could be a story, or maybe a series of drabbles? This is all you kids get for now, though, lol. no fucks given (just kidding this will keep me up nights.)

o(O)o

Ignoring Natsu's whining about still being motion sick from beside him, Gray buried his hands in his pockets and let his eyes engage in their favorite past-time: roaming the curves of the blue-haired woman walking in front of him.

Him and Juvia had officially been together for over half a year, but his eyes still snagged on the same places they always had. The sway of her blue hair, now long enough to partly obscure the pinch of her waist and flare of her hips with each swish. The pretty, cute flush that lived on her cheeks as she listened attentively to Erza, who was chattering about a famous desert shop in the area. The way shadow and light shifted over the curve of her rear. And—forever his most favorite—the exposed skin of her legs. Long, toned, moon white...and fucking perfect.

Gray felt his cheeks heat, but couldn't find it in himself to drag his eyes away. The solidness and length of their relationship did absolutely nothing to diminish the novelty of her beauty, like he might once have feared it would. Instead, it hypnotized him more surely than ever. Noticing all the men drooling over her figure as they walked past, Gray was aware of the sting of possessiveness and annoyance which rose in his chest, but was also easily able to ignore it.

He was as comfortable as any guy with a stunning girlfriend could be in his own jealousy, these days. More shockingly, so was Juvia, a fact that was plain from the way she shot only perfunctory glares at the women eyeing him and whispering to each other as they passed.

As he stared at her back, his lips quirked ever so slightly. It had taken time, tears, and work—more work than he could ever have anticipated—to get to this point in their relationship. But work had never been more worth it.

His mind wandered to reminiscence. To where it had all started, when they had started, after the 100-Year Quest had ended and he'd finally—with Lucy, Levy, and Erza's help—managed to ask Juvia to be his girlfriend.

"Not just 'yours'," Levy had insisted, explaining that phrasing would confuse her. "Your girlfriend."

He'd actually fought them on it. Not really because he had a problem with commitment anymore (okay, it was a little embarrassing, but not too much) but because the words "girlfriend" and "boyfriend" felt ridiculous, considering everything they'd been through. How deeply he cared about her. For crying out loud, they'd tried to kill themselves for each other. He'd kill for her, die for her, and—most importantly—he would live for her. Beyond making his ears feel like they were going to melt off, the word "girlfriend" felt trite.

But when Lucy and Levy demanded to know if that meant he was going to propose, he'd balked. Actually, having the m-word shoved right up against his nose kind of made his soul flee his body. As ready as he was for a romantic relationship, he wanted to go through the actual experience of having one. Like, with all the steps involved. In order. He was at the point in his life that he wanted it more than anything.

More importantly, he wanted to give Juvia that experience. He was determined to do right by her.

With the girls' reality check, and the point they'd made that ambiguity might make Juvia jump to the wrong conclusion or even hurt her, they'd convinced him. He'd been committed to making his long-awaited confession as special for Juvia as possible, complete with saying any embarrassing words she wanted to hear.

Gray still hadn't felt worthy of the love she gave him. He still struggled to believe he was a man who could protect her. But after everything he'd been through during the 100-Year-Quest, seeing how much she'd missed him the whole time, and his talk with Juvina-sama, he'd understood it was completely unfair to ask Juvia to wait for him to decide he was worthy enough to love her openly. He also wasn't above admitting that Juvina-sama's suggestion that she wouldn't wait forever had disquieted some irrational part of him enough to make him antsy, impatient to make absolutely sure they were exclusive.

He'd been completely flustered throughout his confession, but known it had gone as right as it could. Lucy, Levy, and Erza—who thought they'd been slick, hiding in a nearby bush to watch him confess—had agreed. (Lucy had annoyed him to no end by teasing him over how "adorable" he'd been.)

And yet...Juvia's response hadn't been quite what Gray hoped. Lucy hadn't noticed it, but he had. He didn't know exactly when it had happened, but at some point, he'd learned to read the Water Mage like an open book. For how sincere a person she was—a trait he was all too familiar with—Juvia could also be surprising, even mysterious. As transient as water, with hidden depths you'd never know a thing about unless you were willing to dive beneath the surface.

When Gray confessed, he'd braced himself for joyous screaming. He'd planned to freeze a literal flood of tears before it could wash them both away. He'd been prepared to get a concussion from how hard she'd glomp him in the street. But while she had said yes, demurely accepted the roses, and hugged him plenty tight...her response had been subdued. In hindsight, he could see the pattern her reaction fit: the way her gaze had dropped to the street despite her happy flush, the hesitant, nervous gleam in her eyes, the limited verbal response.

The only times she'd ever acted that way had been when he actually reciprocated some of her affection. When he'd promised to give her a straight answer, after he defeated END. When he'd given her a one-armed hug and said he was glad her "body" was safe, after he'd saved her from that wood bastard.

Something had been wrong. But when the girls who'd spied on him only gushed afterwards, not seeming to have noticed anything off, he'd shrugged off his concerns, assuming it was his own lack of romantic literacy. He'd been nervous, but also really excited to learn.

But as their relationship officially began...it quickly became obvious that there was a problem, and that a one-sided approach to fixing it just wasn't going to cut it.

Juvia had always been prone to mood swings severe enough to make Gray's head spin, but as soon as they started dating, her mood seemed to sink. He'd try to ask her about it only for her to put on an obviously fake, cheery front and insist she was fine.

At first, he was sure it must be his fault. He'd had no idea what he was doing wrong. At that point, the guilt he felt for not taking Juvia's feelings seriously for so long, for abandoning her in Amefurashi Village, and for nearly letting her die in an attempt to save him had been taking a serious toll on him. The guilt had sometimes left him ragged. Every time she seemed down, he beat himself up and tried to do better. Talking, dates, spending time together (even when it meant ditching missions he really wanted to go on with the team), accepting her gifts and acting happy about them (no matter how much they creeped him out).

But the more he'd tried to make up for everything, the worse it seemed to get. He watched her frustration rise as he tried to be more openly affectionate, her denials that she was frustrated getting louder. More and more, she gave, but when he gave back, she'd look ready to explode or burst into tears.

What had made everything come to a head was the sex. A surprise in itself. For all the ways their relationship had suffered, sex had never been one of them. It'd started back in the cabin they shared in Amefurashi Village. From the first night they'd moved in together, Juvia had not-so-surprisingly tried to edge her way into Gray's bed constantly. She'd use excuses of cold weather, make puppy eyes, and sew nauseatingly pink coupley bed sheets to try to lure him (when, he still had no idea).

Meanwhile, he struggled more and more to pretend he didn't find (most of) her antics adorable. Not to mention incredibly tempting. Things escalated to where he'd feel his excitement rising towards the end of their daily training sessions, to the point his body became conditioned to react when he saw the damn sun set.

He also felt increasing dread at the notion of having to turn Juvia down—and for having to sneak out in the middle of every night to "take care" of the problem she always left him with (cold showers didn't exactly work for an Ice Wizard).

Finally, one night, she'd pouted and whined that she was sore from training and begged for a massage. Gray didn't know if it was the fact she was asking him for something instead of offering; the unbelievably cute, sparkly-eyed, hopeful glances she kept sneaking at him; or the fact he could tell she actually was sore from the way her face would pinch as she attempted to stretch provocatively in front of him, but his resolve had shattered.

Before he could think and without a word, he'd lifted his covers and held her gaze, not bothering to hide the dark promise in his eyes.

Her reaction had been priceless. He'd never forget it.

His acceptance seemed to knock the breath straight out of her. Her eyes had gone round as saucers, staring into his eyes like she couldn't believe what she was seeing. Her cheeks had darkened. She'd stood stunned for so long that he'd started to get nervous, wondering if she'd only been being playful all this time, not really meaning to come on to him or maybe not expecting him to ever accept. But just as he'd been trying to field the disappointment sinking his heart and trying to think of how to promise he wouldn't do anything she didn't want, she'd hesitantly approached the bed, trembling.

After giving her the massage she'd asked for, he'd rewarded her bravery three times over.

After that, for the very first time, the dynamic of their relationship shifted in one, important way—the one which would force him to finally confront his own heart:

In terms of their physical relationship, he became the more dominant one. In this one aspect of their shared life, he chased. Gray flustered Juvia. He hadn't been able to get enough. What had once been a relentless, one-sided pursuit (one where she had, admittedly, been gaining on him without his notice) became a dance which had addicted him before he knew it.

The notion of reciprocating her feelings had once had him running for the hills. So it had been a huge shock to learn just how much he liked it.

She was so obviously happy and disbelieving that first time he slipped her clothes off in the moonlit dark, cursing over her beauty. Utterly awestruck when he'd seen to her pleasure (twice, he still liked to remember proudly) before even considering his own. Sex was the first time he heard her speak in the first-person, the first time she said his name without adding "-sama" (since that battle in the rain, anyway.)

It was when he lost himself in her soft skin, her passion, and her pleasure that some part of him was able to accept the truth she'd had the grace to surrender to from the very beginning.

The shift in their sex life was also when he'd started to twig something wasn't right between them. After Alvarez was when he'd started it back up. His plan had been to wait until he was able to reciprocate her feelings verbally, like he'd promised, but almost losing her had broken him in a way some part of him would never truly recover from. Between that and his final, full acceptance of his own feelings, there'd been no restraining himself. He'd come onto her with all the subtlety of a freight train the second they were alone.

Even then, something hadn't been quite right. She hadn't been herself, quiet enough that—even as...compromised as his critical thinking skills had been, at the time, and even in his heightened emotional state—he'd noticed. He'd pulled back and asked if she was okay, but when her response had simply been to drag him back in for a kiss that made his knees weak, he'd taken it as a yes and matched her passion enthusiastically.

She kept staying quiet in bed. It bothered the hell out of him, and he badgered her about it more than once, but would ultimately let it go when she insisted she was fine. In his defense, there had been a lot of reasons she could've become subdued. They had just fought a war. They were all exhausted from fixing the town and working to build peace in Fiore.

But after the 100-Year Quest and after his confession, she got even weirder. He noticed it all the time, in every aspect of their relationship, but it was especially noticeable in bed, when they were so close to each other, both completely vulnerable.

When they'd cohabitated, he'd almost always been the one to start something. He'd enjoyed that. He'd even (hell, especially) enjoyed the way she'd flirt, pretend to be oblivious to his advances, pout and blush and make him impress her, coax him to the brink of losing his mind before finally caving to both of their desires. Those times where he went from prey to predator had balanced their entire relationship, satisfying both of them.

Gray wasn't some slimeball who needed sex, but he did need some balance in their dynamic. The private, physical side of their relationship was just where it'd happened to play out. It could've played out anywhere in their relationship, if they were off sex for a while for whatever reason.

But as soon as they became official, it became clear she'd fight tooth and nail to make sure that never happened.

She came onto him. Every. Single. Time. He'd been a little surprised, but happy enough. At first. But as he pushed her to talk to him harder and she denied louder, he'd started to guess that something was genuinely, really wrong.

She didn't speak in the first-person when they were intimate, any more. She didn't drop the "-sama." Even worse, he started to suspect she was seducing him even when she wasn't really in the mood. Almost like she felt like she had to.

It had been one such time when he finally flipped his shit. Even now, walking behind her and appreciating her curves, the memory made his mood falter a little.

He regretted how he'd handled things. It shamed him to remember how he'd all but shoved her off him and refused to do anything else with her until she was ready to tell him whatever the hell was going on inside that crazy, watery head of hers. It was an ultimatum. A cruelly-put one, at that. He hadn't realized just how hurt and angry he was until the words flew out of his mouth.

Juvia had opened up, alright.

In fact, she'd exploded.

They'd screamed at each other, horrible things Gray could hardly stand to repeat even in his own head. She'd demanded that he quit wasting both their time and leave her again, like they both knew he would. He'd asked how stupid she could be to think he'd do that, when he was obviously dedicated enough to put up with her psycho stalker gifts. She'd retorted that her "psycho stalker gifts" didn't seem to have any affect on his libido. He'd yelled that she was the one jumping his bones, ever since he'd asked her out. She'd said that was because she actually cared about his happiness, implying that was something he'd never understand.

She'd ended the black, ugly fight with four hoarse words that ripped his heart out of his chest: "This is over, Gray-sama!"

His apartment door had slammed behind her.

He'd been too shocked and devastated to do anything but watch her go, not even managing to stagger to the door and chase after her until she was long-gone. Black curse power had swirled across his skin as he pelted to the guild, growling in frustration when he didn't find her there. Then he'd run all the way to the female dorms at Fairy Hills only to be deterred by Erza, who met him at the gate. She hadn't known anything about his and Juvia's fight, but she'd been drawn by his yelling.

His older sister figure had knocked him out "for his own good."

The next afternoon, Gray had woken up in his own bed. Not bothering to see if he was dressed (it would turn out he wasn't) he'd booked straight to the guild only to be devastated by the news that Juvia had taken a long-term S-class quest just that morning, news which was delivered by a sympathetic Mira.

Sure that it was over, that he'd ruined everything, he'd drunk himself sick—then kept drinking, swinging fists at anyone and everyone who tried to console him until, finally, in the wee hours of the next morning, Gajeel managed to knock him out of it.

The hostility, Gray had expected. Gajeel was Juvia's best friend; of course he was angry to learn that Gray had done something to upset her so much, she'd left for a Quest that could take months or even years to finish without so much as a word to Gajeel or any of their other comrades.

What did surprise Gray was the understanding Gajeel eventually showed.

Gray got his ass knocked flat by the Iron Dragon Slayer. From his back on the ground, he started to spit out what happened. With each word, the larger man had visibly calmed. After enough had come out, he'd awkwardly helped Gray to his feet (his own, gruff brand of apology.) He'd helped Gray sober up, then he'd given him a pep talk.

He'd refused to explain his own guesses as to what was going on with Juvia, insisting "who knows what goes on in that water witch's head." But he'd also insisted that whatever was going on, it for damn sure wasn't what Gray thought, which was that he'd hurt her too badly for her to love him anymore.

"She's obsessed with you," the man had said, scowling in disgust. "She's always been obsessed with you. She's way too stubborn to let it go that easy. It's annoying."

By six AM, Gajeel Redfox—of all people—had talked Gray into chasing after the love of his life. He'd even used his Iron Magic to create a lockpick which got them into the archive room, where they'd found Mira's records...and Juvia's location.

He'd barely had the time to register the irony of her quest's location before he was gone, shooting Gajeel a gruff "thanks" over his shoulder and running home to pack.

It'd been raining when he finally walked into Amefurashi Village.

He hadn't consciously known where to start looking when he arrived, but his feet—following some combination of muscle memory and the fate he'd fought for so long—had carried him to the place where the word "home" had changed for him: the cabin he and Juvia had shared. Where they'd grown together. Taken care of each other.

Where he'd left her. Hurt her. Even if most of the reason to do so was because he wanted to protect her, he couldn't stop hating himself for that.

She was standing outside the place, drenched and shivering, when he got there. As if sensing his arrival as surely as he'd known where to find her, Juvia had turned to look at Gray with eyes that were glassy above flushed cheeks. She'd wavered on her feet.

As soon as she'd whispered his name, she'd toppled. Gray's bag had landed in a puddle with a splashy thunk. He'd lunged to catch her like his life depended on it.

Shouting her name had earned him no response, but pressing the back of his hand to her forehead had been enough to convince him that she had a seriously high fever.

Strangely, as worried as he'd been about her, he hadn't even thought to bring her back to Wendy or seek a nearer healer. In hindsight, he was sure that deep down, he'd realized it would do no good; she wasn't physically ill, but heartsick, just as he was. He'd felt lower than the mud gathering around his boots.

He'd been surprised to discover that he had to break into their old home, and rapidly deduced that Juvia hadn't been staying at their old cabin even though she'd been standing outside of it, both from that fact and the fact that none of her stuff was there.

As soon as he lay her in the bed which had once been his before becoming theirs, she'd begun shivering. For the first time in his life, Gray cursed that he was an Ice Wizard instead of a Fire Wizard.

He'd run outside, grabbed his bag, then come back in—only to curse again when he unclasped the bag only to discover that all its contents were soaked. Thinking quickly, he'd stripped his wet clothes, then hers. He'd climbed into bed with her.

"'M sorry, Gray-sama..." she'd slurred her sleep. "Juvia's so sorry...Juvia had to...I just had to..."

He'd shushed her, rubbing her arms to try to warm her up. "It's okay, Juvia. I know, my love. It's okay..."

He'd kept holding her and whispering soft comfort to her until she'd finally stopped shivering, at which point his frantic worry had abated enough that he could fully admit to himself how good it felt to have her in his arms, her skin against his. How warm she was. How perfectly she fit against him. How much he missed her. She was right there, as close as another person could ever be to him. Yet with how things had been between them lately and how lost she was to fever, he'd never felt further away.

Apparently, he'd fallen asleep at some point, because when he awoke, it was to the rising sun blazing at him from the center of the cabin window. Ignoring his body's reaction to waking up in the arms of the very naked, beautiful woman he happened to be in love with, Gray had instantly dropped his hand to Juvia's forehead, sighing in relief when it became clear her fever had reduced. She wasn't better, but she was getting there.

Quickly figuring out what needed done, he'd dropped a tender kiss to her warm forehead, murmuring a threat against her sweaty hairline: "You'd better not even think of running away again, crazy woman. We are going to talk when I get back."

Gray had dressed, glanced back, and left. He'd met up with he client—a rich and unfortunately good-looking asshole about Gray's age who was way too disappointed Juvia, herself, wasn't the one who'd shown up. Through gritted teeth, Gray informed the bastard it would be a couple days before he and his partner (he was sure to emphasize those words several times) would be able to begin investigating the dark guild threatening the area, as she'd fallen ill.

It annoyed him to no end that the creep seemed genuinely concerned about this, trying to insert himself, demand to see her, and attempting to coax Gray into revealing her location (Gray couldn't help the pleasure and hope which rose in his chest, when he learned she hadn't told this guy wherever it was she was staying; obviously, she'd had no interest in sharing that information.)

The client had thrown a rich boy tantrum when Gray refused to tell him anything, but ultimately let him go when Gray promised Juvia would be there in a couple days (not bothering to mention that he would absolutely be there, too.)

He'd gone to pick up medicine and food. He'd grabbed all the ingredients he could remember for something hearty, mild, and delicious she used to make him when they lived together, a chicken stew that tasted like something he could remember from childhood. Those ingredients, medicine, ginger tea...anything he could think of that might help her feel better, he purchased, barely noting price.

Juvia had been waiting on the porch wrapped only in a blanket when he returned, flushed with both fever and anger.

They'd both been pissed at each other. While Gray locked horns with Juvia's amorous creep of a client, she had apparently been discovered by the landlord who owned their old cabin and only barely managed to talk him out of his anger, ultimately having to pay double their old monthly rent to keep him from calling the authorities—all while wrapped only in a blanket.

A brief yelling match had ensued. It ended when Juvia began coughing rather violently, Gray dropping his groceries in the mud to run to her. Even as she insisted she was fine, he'd ushered her into the cabin, forcing her to sit before he went back out to grab the food he'd bought.

Her face had gone funny when he began grouchily unloading chicken, rice, broth, veggies, and herbs. When he (somewhat defensively) asked what the hell she was staring at, she'd haltingly asked if he'd bought all of that for her. Exasperated, he'd told her of course he had, she'd had him worried sick.

The groceries had been abandoned when she burst into tears.

It had taken several minutes of heart-wrenching sobs on Juvia's part and coaxing on Gray's for the conversation to actually begin.

During their ugly fight in his apartment, she'd exploded.

Here, in the lonely home they'd once shared, she imploded.

While the groceries thawed and dripped on the kitchen counter, Juvia sobbed the whole, messy, painful truth into his chest. She told him everything. She told him how, deep down, she'd always known she wasn't worthy of having her love reciprocated by him. It had been true from the moment they'd met, when she'd been part of Phantom Lord, but remained true no matter how long she'd been at Fairy Tail. That was how she'd put it: "I always knew I wasn't worthy of Gray-sama's love." Not only because of her past, but because of how annoying she was. How gloomy. How creepy and obnoxious.

Gray hadn't even had time to express his horror at the fact she thought those things before she'd been plowing on, her tears only getting thicker and her words only making his heart sink lower.

She said knowing she didn't deserve his love had turned to knowing she didn't deserve to love him at all, when she'd killed Keyes to free Gray's father from his undead life. But even though "Gray-sama had been wonderful enough to forgive Juvia," she'd continued to hate herself, deep down.

She told him that sharing a life in the cabin they were currently in had, for her, been the sweetest kind of torture. That she'd never been so happy—and never felt more undeserving. For the first time, she told him that she'd only had one lover before Gray, some piece of shit named "Bora" who'd never cared about her or her pleasure. Gray had been nothing like him, attentive, caring, and as invested in her pleasure as he was in his own. At first, feeling so cared for had been as overwhelming as it was amazing, but by the time Gray started to pull away from her for his mission, the overwhelmed feelings had slowly begun to fade, letting her forget everything but the happiness she felt with him.

Juvia told him that the day he abandoned her to infiltrate Avatar, everything which she'd started to believe could feel right began to feel wrong, and everything which had felt wrong began to feel right. She'd never felt she deserved to be loved by Gray the way she loved him. Being left by him had, in a horrible way, made her feel like the world was how it was supposed to be.

But it had also ripped her apart.

It had destroyed any confidence she'd begun to gain in herself.

She told him that she resented being abandoned. Resented not being told about his mission to infiltrate a Dark Guild, not just because of their relationship, but because she had once been in a Dark Guild, and could potentially have helped his and Erza's Mission. She'd not only felt betrayed on a personal level, but disrespected as a Mage with no small amount of skill and experience.

It was a side to the issue which he had, shameflly, never considered.

He was mortified when she'd finally let herself chastise him for this—especially when he'd tried to defend himself by bringing up details of his mission only to be instantly struck down and ripped apart by someone who was, in fact, very obviously more knowledgeable about the inner workings of Dark Guilds than either he or Erza ever had been. Hell, Juvia could probably have run the mission almost as well as Jellal had.

For the first time, he saw just how beneficial it would have been to have her on board, despite Erza urging him not to get her involved. He should've gone against her orders, asked forgiveness instead of permission. Over the course of that one conversation, it was clear that having her on board would have shortened the length of their mission by probably several months.

But worse than the benefits they'd missed out on, in infiltrating Avatar, worse than the fact that she resented him, was her admission that she hated herself for that resentment.

She'd apologized. So many times. Too many times to count. Each apology was another crack in Gray's heart. He'd tried to ask her to stop, but they'd just kept slipping out anyway. It was like she couldn't help it.

She'd told him that over time, as she got to know the other women in Fairy Tail—Lucy, Cana, and Levy—she'd realized just how unworthy she was of the care Gray held for even just his friends. She just hadn't been forced to confront her own lacking sense of self-worth...until he openly reciprocated her feelings.

She said that the second he confessed, part of her felt wrong. Like she'd donned someone else's skin—someone who was worth being loved by Gray. Her guilt, her knowledge that she wasn't worthy of him, her bitterness, her self-hatred...all of it had come rushing to the surface.

She told him that, as unworthy as she'd felt, she'd been too selfish to reject him. Too angry at the thought of him being with someone else. Her own selfishness made her feel even worse than before. She'd been determined to be worthy of him, and so she had sought to pay every ounce of love he gave her three times over. At least.

It hadn't made her feel any better. No matter how hard she tried to be sure to pay him back, every time Gray took her on a date or made love to her, it made her skin crawl, because she didn't deserve it. She didn't deserve his love, his affection, or even his attention. He deserved better, and she was nowhere close to deserving him. She never would be.

If there had been even one last, single sliver of a doubt as to how he felt about this woman, it died then and there. Nothing—not his own guilt, being screamed at, or being broken up with—nothing could hurt worse than being made aware of what a hard time she was having. Learning just how badly she'd been dissociating during all their most precious moments. How much pain she was in. How little she thought of herself. How deep her scars ran.

He'd have given anything to take her pain away. He'd have given anything to change it. Right then, he couldn't think of a single thing he wouldn't have done to make her see herself as he saw her: the energetic, caring, fierce Mage he'd come to know. The woman who always eclipsed everything else for just a second, the first time he saw her every day.

He'd wanted to tell her all that, and more. He wanted to apologize. He'd wanted to tell her how badly he missed her after he'd left her here, that this place had been home for him, too. He'd wanted to tell her how much she meant to him, that no day without her smile even felt real, but his voice had been stuck behind a lump of misery and all he'd been able to do, for a very long time, was lay in their bed and hold her while she cried the rest of it out. He wasn't too ashamed to admit he lost a couple tears in her hair, too.

Over the twilight of time it had taken for her sobs to turn hoarse, then to whimpers, then sniffles, guilt, emotional exhaustion, an anguish washed over Gray in their turn.

Until finally, he hardened all of those feelings into resolve.

"I'm really thankful that you're here. For always being beside me..."

Those were the words Gray had said to her before Alvarez, and he'd meant them. For years, Juvia had done nothing but be there for him. Even when he didn't want her there, she stayed right next to him, quietly piecing together his heart and his trust. It killed him that the woman who'd confronted him with her love, made him face down his own weakness, always thought of him, and helped him so much more than he could ever truly thank her for had been hiding so much of her own pain. He wished she would have told him any of this all the times he'd pushed and asked.

But he couldn't blame her for that. Maybe she hadn't opened up to him before then, but her mentions of her days in Phantom and of that shithead ex of hers had driven home, with stark clarity, a realization he wished he'd made a lot sooner: Juvia didn't know how to open up like Gray had tried to demand, because she hadn't grown up somewhere like Fairy Tail.

Unlike Gray and Natsu and the others, she hadn't been taught to bare her pain, hadn't always known there would be someone to listen to her, cry with her, be on her side. While Gray had been fought, teased, and accepted for exactly who he was (more often his whole self than not) Juvia had been abandoned by every single person in her life except Gajeel and those who'd wanted to use her for their own ends. Gray abandoning her had only confirmed what she'd been taught was inevitable.

But the Ice Mage wouldn't linger on that. He wouldn't give any more time to despair.

It was his turn now, he realized. His turn to stay beside her even when it was hard, and do the work. Now, he just had to figure out how. But while he'd been trying to do that, had been gathering his words, Juvia had recovered enough to speak once more.

She'd apologized again. She'd told him that she knew this was too much, that all of this was too much...that she was too much. For the times they'd shared, she thanked him quietly, eyes bright with yet more tears and refusing to meet his as she continued that she'd had to let Gray go because she wanted him to be happy, and she'd finally, finally realized she could never do that for him, not really. Then she'd tried to push him away, and as Gray had tightened his grip, he'd realized he didn't need to figure out what to do, what to say, or how to love her.

She'd been showing him all along.

After a deep breath, the words had come low, and easier than he'd thought. He told her she was right, all of this was a lot...but also that he was so, so happy she'd finally told him what was really going on. He'd been as gentle as possible when he told her he could see how difficult and scary it had been for her to open up about all this and that he was proud of how brave she'd been for doing so, but she'd started crying again anyway, so he'd had to carry on with a shakier, hoarser voice.

He'd apologized. For everything. For not taking her feelings seriously for so long, for not seeing her when she needed to be seen, for leaving her behind and hurting her so badly she'd gotten sick. He hadn't been dismissing her abilities as a Mage so much as he'd been trying to protect her, but that was no excuse. "High-handed and cruel" was a generous way to describe his behavior, and he finally saw that. He'd told her that if he could take it back, he would. But he couldn't. He could only promise to never, ever leave her like that again, and he was more than ready to make that promise. He had been for a long time, since well into the 1oo Years Quest. If she'd only give him another chance, he'd show her.

At this point, Juvia had obviously started to twig that this conversation wasn't going to go how she planned, with Gray accepting she was too burdensome and unworthy for him and leaving her alone like everyone else had left her, because she'd started kicking up a fuss, forcing him to hold her there again.

"Let Juvia go, Gray-sama!" she'd demanded shakily, sounding like she was barely clinging to her determination. But Gray had refused. He refused to let her go like this, not until she'd heard him out.

As brief as the ensuing argument had been, it was also one of the most frustrating conversations Gray had ever taken part in (and he'd fought Natsu on basically every cock-and-bull-ass plan he'd ever come up with.)

He'd tried desperately to insist that while Juvia could be creepy and he did find rain somewhat gloomy, she was not worthless or annoying or obnoxious. He'd tried to tell her that she did make him happy. He'd tried to tell her how he felt about her.

Juvia had not responded well.

A wall had slammed up in her eyes, the same blank one he'd met on that fateful, rainy day so long ago. As she'd kept denying, and he'd kept pushing, their voices had gotten louder. Eventually, Gray had realized it was raining outside the window next to their bed again, and that was the one thing that had forced him to take a step back from his own frustration. Lucky, because if he hadn't, he might have flown off the handle and ruined everything all over again.

Looking down at her, he'd forced himself to cool off and realized he was being unfair; he was asking her to take an entire journey in one leap, to unlearn a lifetime's-worth of lessons about her own worthlessness over the course of a single conversation. No one could do that. It was an unreasonable thing to ask.

And so, when he'd finally gathered his wits and perspective enough, he'd said, "You don't have to agree with me. You don't have to agree with my feelings for you. But you have to believe that they're real...and you have to at least consider my side."

Juvia's eyes had gone wide. As they regained their sparkle, he'd refused to break eye contact. Slowly, the rain had stopped, leaving them in the silent hut.

After what felt like years, she'd shakily whispered, "O-okay."

And Gray had known that they were finally, finally getting somewhere.

Quietly and slowly, with their hands intertwined between their chests and their foreheads pressed together, they'd pieced together a fragile plan. They would stay together and be as they had been, but from now on, they were both going to make a concerted effort to be honest and rebuild trust. Gray started by admitting that missing out on Quests with his team had really started to bum him out, and while this seemed to sadden Juvia at first, she admitted after some thought that in being with Gray, she hadn't been nurturing her own friendships with her friends like Gajeel and Meredy. Lucy had also asked for help training her in Water Magic, and Juvia had declined so far even though she was interested in having someone to teach.

Gray had encouraged all of this...and he'd encouraged her to visit Porlyusica, too, when they got home. The old lady was hardly a Mental Healer, but she'd hopefully be able to help them find someone who was, someone objective and removed from the situation who Juvia could talk to openly. One thing which had sunk in fully for Gray over the course of Juvia's heartrending speech was that it was going to take a lot of time, work, and love to get Juvia to a better place. There was no way the two of them could do it alone.

They'd talked and planned until their voices were hoarse...and then they'd not talked for even longer. Juvia once again dropped the "-sama." She let him come to her. She didn't just surrender herself to him the way she had when they had each other before in their cabin, she'd given him even more—in his arms, she'd bared a small and precious part of herself Gray had never even realized she hid from him.

Over the course of the month they spent in that cabin, he'd cherished everything she gave him more than most men could've in twice the amount of time. How they'd managed to deal with that Dark Guild months and months ahead of schedule, he would never understand, because his head had never been less in the game. Neither of them had been able keep their hands off each other for more than an hour when they were alone together.

Neither had been particularly disappointed when that crotchety old landlord refused to give them back any part of their months' rent. Instead, they'd stayed till June was up breaking the place in thoroughly.

"It's payback for him being a jackass to you!" Gray had once playfully defended against her neck, pinning her against the kitchen counter and grinning as she gigglingly scolded him.

He only prayed no one ever took a UV Lacrima to the inside of that place. They'd go blind. He'd taken her on the couch, over it, against the walls, on the counters and tables, and in more positions than he'd previously known existed in that bed. When they returned home, a bunch of people had pointed out that they both looked like they'd lost weight. Gray didn't doubt it, after all the—

"...seriously, none of you know what it's like, every time we travel...OI, STRIPPER, YOU MAYBE WANNA QUIT EYE-FUCKING YOUR GIRLFRIEND WHEN WE'RE IN PUBLIC, YOU GODDAMN PERVERT?!"

The absolute last voice Gray wanted to hear when he was thinking about such great, intimate things yanked him out of his reflections in the most unpleasant of ways. An expression crossed between a scowl and a grimace consumed his features.

"Gray-sama!?" Juvia spluttered, craning her neck to peer at them over her shoulder with wide eyes. She looked half-scolding, half...affected as her cheeks went rose red.

Gray felt his own face grow hot as he turned to glare furiously at the pink-haired, disgusted-and-disgusting-looking bane of his existence.

"Would you keep your voice down, Dragon Boy?! I was not 'eye-fucking' Juvia!" His cheeks burned hotter as an elderly woman passing by shot him a deeply disapproving look.

"The hell you weren't!" Natsu snapped, drawing even more attention. "I could see all your gross, perverted thoughts right there in those droopy eyes of yours!"

"ARGH! So what?!" Gray just wanted this fight to be over, and figured that sort of admitting to what he'd been doing was the quickest way to make that happen. "Can't a guy even look at his girlfriend without pink-haired, flame-brained losers getting involved?!"

"THE HELL YOU JUST CALL ME?!"

"OH, SO YOU'RE DEAF AS WELL AS BRAINLESS, NOW?!"

"THAT'S IT, I'VE HAD IT! YOU'RE DEAD, YOU ICY BAS—"

"That's enough."

Uncharacteristically subdued and uninvolved though Erza's command was, it was enough to have both Natsu and Gray cringing and sweating in fear almost instantly.

"A-aye!" they squeaked, then sighed in relief as she shot them one last glare and clanked away.

"Ah, it always goes this way." Happy folded his little blue sausage arms over his chest and tsked. "If only Gray had kept his perverted eyes on himself, we wouldn't even be talking about this."

"And just how the heck is one supposed to 'keep their eyes on themselves', huh?" Gray growled up at the floating Exceed.

"By not being you, apparently!" he cackled back, Natsu soon joining him in his obnoxious guffawing.

"Why, you—! Get back here, you little shit!" Gray made a random grab at the little creep only to curse as he missed his tail by about a centimeter.

Meanwhile, Juvia clasped her still-red cheeks with her hands and donned an all-too-familiar, starry-eyed expression. "Juvia does not mind at all if Gray-sama...covets Juvia in public! How Juvia adores Gray-sama's passion!"

Gray flinched as if he'd been whipped in the back. In a second flat, he was blushing again. "O-oi, Juvia—!" he started, scrambling to find a way to get her to calm down before she came onto him in public.

(Again.)

"However," she continued before he figured out how to distract her, turning to look at him with a mischievous twinkle in her eye. "If Gray-sama is going to covet Juvia on a public street, Juvia thinks he should at least wear clothes."

"Wha—?! CRAP!" Gray shouted as soon as he realized he'd stripped down to his boxers. "When did that happen!?"

Juvia wrinkled her nose cutely and giggled while he scrambled for his clothes. When he was finally yanking his jacket on, he shot her a playful glare only for his lips to quirk when she winked and sauntered after Erza.

That little...she'll get it later, he thought with a huff before shoving his hands in his pockets and strolling after her. He was well aware that he was full-on grinning, now, and didn't care in the slightest.

Little interactions like that...those were the fruits of all the hard work they—especially Juvia—had done when they got back from that S-Class mission. Gray had been prepared for it to be grueling and difficult, to fight. "Relationships take work" was a piece of advice he'd heard plenty, since he started asking for advice about how to love Juvia.

But what he'd never expected to find was that, while it was hard sometimes, it was work he was all too willing and capable of doing, because it was for her. For them. And what no one had told him was that, while loving someone meant their pain became yours, it also meant that their triumphs became yours, too.

Some days had been worse than others. Even though she'd been talking to a friend of Porlyusica's and made an impressive effort to spend more times with her friends, there were moments where Gray had felt like Juvia was back at square one. But he'd been there beside her, encouraging her every step of the way while she healed, learned that he wouldn't leave her again, learned that she was worth all of it. And slowly but surely, she'd healed.

That was what no one had told him: that every time she huffed at him to do his own laundry, teased him, sassed him into taking her on a real date, and even turned him down for sex, that he would feel such a huge rush of pride and triumph.

It was true that the road had been hard, but Gray had walked it with Juvia, and that had made every step worth it.

o(O)o

AN: Ah, sorry I don't have the time to edit this now and make it more cohesive! Also that I can't publish my next chapter of Chasing Tails just yet! I definitely, definitely will come back to edit this piece one day and make it better after I've done that. In the meantime, Happy Belated Gruvia Day!

P.S.: Fun Fact! I named this partly after one of my all-time favorite fics from a completely different fandom. The Hard Road by wthtonibelle, a Kacchako fic (from the My Hero Academia fandom) which is written in a similar way and has similar themes, only it's longer and better lol. check it out if you're so inclined!

#fairy tail #gruvia #gruvia fan fiction #gruvia fanfiction #fairy tail fanfiction #fairy tail fan fiction #gray fullbuster #juvia lockser

[h4mm132l1c3]

20 Questions For Fanfic Writers!

I got tagged in this by the lovely @onewhoturns, and I'll tag some others at the end!

1: How many works do you have on Ao3?

I only have 8 actually published there, but for reference, I went into my WIP folder and found over 100 more... So I do write things! I'm just really really bad at actually publishing them.

2: What's your total Ao3 word count?

Assuming I've done my math right, my current total word count sits at 262,909. Most of that is probably the longfics I've done with Turner, but there are almost certainly some hidden gems in there as well.

3: What fandoms do you write for?

Well, I haven't actually written and published something for a specific fandom for a while now, but my more common interests these days are Genshin Impact, Fire Emblem, Metal Gear Solid, Ace Attorney, Shadow & Bone (Netflix TV show specifically) and a few sporadic others! But my past works were for Oxenfree, Destiny, Ava's Demon, Homestuck, Overwatch, Critical Role, The Magnus Archives and Half Life.

4: Top five fics by kudos?

That would beeee So It Goes, Blue Hair, Red Jacket, A Different Angle, One Foot, and finally Holy Spirits!

5: Do you respond to comments? Why/Why not?

As much as I love getting comments on fics, I don't often respond to them. I don't really have enough published to get engagement super often, and even then, I'm just not the kind of person to reach out at random simply because I've heard too many Internet Horror Stories(tm). But, maybe if I do publish more in the future, I'll make a habit of answering then!

6: What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I... Don't really know? Most of my fics are either one-shots or unfinished multi-chapter works. There's probably something really angsty in my WIPs, but since it's never seen the light of day, we'll never really knows.

7: What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

Hmm. Hm hm hm. That would probably be a toss up between A Different Angle, which is just meant to be a nice, feel-good oneshot, or Pyrite-50: Quiet Moments, which is a kind of character study of one of my Destiny PC's.

8: Do you get hate on fics?

Since I only have 8 published, and I'm not like a super-duper popular author, I don't really think I get hate. All of the comments I've seen have been really sweet and lovely, which I'm thankful for.

9: Do you write smut?

I've been known to partake... On occasion....... <- Currently hiding most of it away in that damned WIP folder

10: Do you write crossovers?

Aside from the every-so-often "AU fic inspired by another piece of media", no, not really. But maybe that will change sometime! I wouldn't be truly opposed.

11: Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not as far as I'm aware!

12: Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope. My reach, like I said, is pretty minimal. But if anybody were to ask, I'd say go for it, as long as I got credit as the author.

13: Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Most of my published fics are co-written! My co-author was actually the one who tagged me in this, Turner. You can go check out all our Oxenfree stuff on Ao3 right now.

14: What's your all-time favorite ship?

Oooooh, this one is hard. The one I've undoubtedly written the most for is jonalex, but I'm a huge multishipper, so I've never really preferred one pairing over another before. It's always so dependent on my mood! Can I just say all of them?

15: What's the WIP you hope to finish but doubt you ever will?

The forgotten Kaz Brekker/Darkling smut. It sits in its little google document, taunting me. I know that you're there. I KNOW.

16: What are your writing strengths?

I'd like to think I'm good at metaphors? Generally, getting into a character's psyche is what I strive for, and when I get it right it feels like a real achievement. I've also been told that I'm very good at making dialogue that feels real, or that flows in a way that makes sense, which is something else I'm really proud of.

17: What are your writing weaknesses?

Finishing things. Fight scenes (of the physical variety). The two big F's.

18: Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

Seeing as I am a person who only knows one language (and guess which one that is), I don't often write in other languages for my fics, because I'm a liiiiittle too scared of fucking up. On the rare chances I have, I usually use someone I know as a translator, but that limits me on how many languages I can conceivably use. As far as foreign languages in other fics go, I'm all for it!

19: First fandom you wrote for?

It's either Harry Potter, and that fic has now been orphaned to the wind, or maybe Homestuck?

20: Favorite fic you've ever written?

Of my published fics, it has to be So It Goes. That one has a special place in my heart for a multitude of reasons, and not just because Turner and I got to write it together. Of my WIPs, there's an unnamed freemance fic that I've been dying to finish that I just recently found again, and it made me fall in love with my writing for a second time; in a strange way.

Tagging!!

@artemis-crimson @reddgiant @starchemist @starlit-bawka @cranehusbands @duvirii and basically whoever else wants to do it.

#ask meme #ask game #writing #writers #tag meme #tag game #ao3 #archive of our own #writing game #fic #fanfic #fanfiction #fic writing #20 questions

[diggingupgrave]

Magnificently Cursed... the blog post ✨

🕰🍂🕯🌿📔🧣🌙

My writing log says it’s been exactly a year since I started writing Magnificently Cursed, my Dark Academia Inuokko Magic School AU! I find summer to be insufferable (my apologies to the sun) so I took an escape hatch to an early fall last year and immediately fell down this massive rabbit hole. Not only did I write the whole fic and make overly-intricate graphics for each chapter… I also made a ton of other content that I simply didn’t have enough time to post! (Fall is but one season… unless you’re me, and it’s two, because fuck summer) So as a little anniversary gift to me, I’m going back through the archives and finally putting everything in one place. 

Let’s start with the character mood boards, shall we? 

Toge Inumaki: 

I wanted Toge to have an earthy/natural, vintage-y feel, while Yuuta was all sleek and new. I’m still completely obsessed with this library-lizard aesthetic for Toge.

I low-key wound up buying a brown sweater after searching online for literal hours just like the one in the upper left so we could twin. That duffle coat still has my whole heart. Lavender mug inspired by Neara 🥺

Yuuta Okkotsu:

The lil ghostie patch 😭 I still think Yuuta would look hot as hell in all these clothes- especially the speckle-y fisherman sweater. Coat game is strong here as well. 

... so is it obvious that I spend too much time on Canva yet? 😅

The Timeline: 

My outline wasn’t outlining and I resorted to making an in-world calendar to make sure the dates were realistic. Each chapter is a different color, and the lines represent what days the chapters covered in-world. The corresponding stars represented each chapter’s posting dates… except the real life dates didn’t line up with the fictional dates (rude), so those thursdays were actually saturdays? I think? I'm actually not 100% sure what past me was up to here, to be totally honest 😅

(also, politely ignore that bit that says “epilogue - december” 💀i’ll get to it when i get to it. I don’t really like the idea of it being *over* so maybe i'll just gatekeep that bit forever)

⬆️ Example of aforementioned “outlining,” which, yes, is unfortunately littered with as many potential tweets as actual organization 💀

Not pictured: the outline for the first three chapters… when i thought this fic… would only *be* three chapters. 🪦

Writing Log:

I wrote all 92k between July 13th and September 13th (including 60k in August, nanowrimo style)!

Honestly would love to know what her regimen was because i immediately went back to being slow and undisciplined. I don’t foresee this coming august looking anything like this, lol.

Also, sidenote, hilarious that I took a break to work on it would make a whole in the middle of this? Because I literally just finished that piece this week and posted it today 😅

The Playlist:

Spotify proving that July 13th commitment! If you start a wip without procrastinating and making a playlist for two hours first... did you really start a new wip?

The playlist was three and a half hours and i would listen to it nearly every day, sometimes multiple times in a day 💀. Listen during a rainstorm for peak vibes.

(other favs not pictured: The Butterflly Effect’s cover of “Lay All Your Love on Me,” Sabrina Carpenter’s “Decode,” Liz Longley’s “Rescue My Heart,” and "Nothing's Gonna Happen" by The Staves) 

Bonus:

(fall baking... toge's fav pumpkin muffins of course)

(my toge sweater knockoff)

(editing buddy... clearly working very hard)

(cider donut cider... for the ✨vibes✨)

(obsessively drinking massive pots of harney and son’s victorian london fog tea as i tried to interpret my own bullshit)

(me celebrating actual halloween like i didn't start in july)

.... ANYWAY (if you made it this far 😅) many thanks to anyone who read/kudos/commented/supported this fic, because (if you can't tell already) i had so much fun writing it.

Currently, working on another longfic rn that's also promising to destroy my life... but you never forget your first 😘

#jujutsu kaisen #toge inumaki #yuuta okkotsu #inuokko #dark acamedia

[recurring-polynya]

Writing/Art Update 1.9.2024

Bleh. I was holding off doing this update, hoping I was going to be able to report that I had finished That Stupid Scene that I have been working on since before Christmas. I had so many thoughts in my head while I was cooking dinner and then, when I actually sat down to write, they had departed. Maybe they'll be back tomorrow.

In any case, I did make a huge amount of progress this week. It was hard! I had a lot of writing time, which was nice, except that I spent a lot of it staring out the window or clicking on my other browser tabs, which is always very irritating. However, I did manage to get most of it written, and it hit all the bullet points I needed it to. I basically just have to wrap it up and transition into what happens next. It shouldn't actually be that hard, I'm just tired and I'm not sure I can swing it right now. It's a big scene, too-- I clocked 4,375 words on it this week in addition to the 900 I already had, so it's probably going to be about half the chapter.

I've had a feeling for quite some time that I had not actually budgeted enough space in the outline for the back half of this fanfic. The thing is, though, it is nearly always the case that an extra chapter manages to sneak in somewhere along the way. I decided to just leave the outline as it was, and that way, if an extra chapter appeared, then my pacing problem would sort itself. That...may be happening. I am not entirely sure. I'm in sort of a weird place where I simultaneously feel like I am very close to done and also very, very far away from being done. Hopefully, in the next week or two (that is, when I finish Ch 7), that will sort itself out. Either that, or I'll just keep writing chapters, like Zeno's fanfic. I sincerely hope that doesn't happen. I will die.

Ugh, I want to post. I am wallowing in the pit of it's been so long since I posted, I feel like I have literally stopped existing, and I keep getting dumb urges to "just take a little break and write a short one" (note that I do not actually have any ideas towards "a short one", it's 100% urges only). Anyway, I definitely do not want to do that, because I want to finish this one very, very badly, and it's taking long enough as is. What I should probably do is polish up Chs 5 and 6 and send them to the beta, but that would require coming up with a name for the art museum that I placeholdered a bunch of times in Ch 5. I actually named it in Ch 1 and then decided I didn't like it and needed to rename and I just haven't yet.

Speaking of names, I've also fallen into It-Needs-a-Title Madness, where I start to go Actual Nuts because I can't think of a title for this stupid fanfic. I forgot that in addition to staring out the window, I spent a lot of time looking through the lyrics of songs on my Ductwork playlist and googling for, like, "phrases with injury" in them. I hate this. It's such a waste of time and yet I do this every time. Why can't you pay someone $10 to name your fanfic for you? Can I just call it "Ductwork"? Does it even matter? (it does matter. I regret every terrible title I have ever slapped on a fanfic in a fit of "Fuck It, We Post")

In other news, I drew all seven days last week (the theme was fruits and vegetables). I took yesterday off, but then I drew a can of soup today, which was hard. It's cool. The people in art club are very nice. I am really hoping to draw a Rukia for her birthday. I have never drawn a bankai Rukia, and I'd like to give it a shot. I bet it would be a lot easier if I could resist doing a full body shot, but somehow, I always do a full body shot. We'll see!!

#writing update #art update

[crmsnmth]

Update/Note 4/25/2024

Hey, how goes it? So, September Sky is getting close to where I'm at in the editing process, so soon enough it will slow down on how often parts are being uploaded. Don't worry, I started posting it here, and I'll finish off the story here. Second, I've slowed down a bit on my attempts at poetry. This is just because well, life is life, and there's quite a bit to do this time of year. With work, my youngest brother graduating, and trying to find a place I can call my own (that won't push me back into being completely broke again), I just don't really have the energy. The writing hasn't stopped, because anyone that sees my thumbprints knows that this isn't just writing for attention and that my fingers on the keys, or wrapped around a pen, is a type of medicine for me that keeps me stable and able to face my emotions. There's still hundreds of notes in my doc app, and there's notebooks being chiseled in every single day. It's the idea of fixing them and rearranging lines and breaks that takes a lot of energy. Don't worry, there's an infinite supply always on its way. I couldn't stop if I tried. And finally, I'm going to be starting to add yet another fictional story I've been working on for going on three years, and I think I'm ready for it to start being seen by others. it's on its eighth draft, and if I don't start sharing it, it'll end up with 100 drafts, and as obsessively as I write, that's past the point of making it better and into making something mechanical. It's horror/dark romance, which probably shouldn't surprise anyone who enjoys or reads my work. Right now, it's under the working title "The Horror of Our Love" (which will be changed once I actually think of something better) which is actually the title of a Ludo song that is amazing, and one of those songs that means the world to me, mainly from where I first heard it, and who had posted it to an old Facebook wall. The whole inspiration for the story came from that song and being unreasonably angry at the Twilight series completely destroying and making fun of the vampire mythos. So, think Twilight, with more blood, gore, violence, and anger. Twilight for horror purists and a much more mature audience. Maybe if Edward had ripped out someone's throat, it'd would been more of my kind of story. (And if you happen to like the Twilight books, I'm not interested in changing your opinion of the series. Love what you love. Especially when it comes to art, music, and the written word. You're allowed to like and love whatever it is you find, and don't let anyone ever take that away from you. I still read the Animorphs series every so often. And I fucking love it. And Goosebumps too. And if you don't like Goosebumps, what the hell are you doing with your life?) If none of this stuff interests you in anyway, and your own here because it's fun to watch a train wreck of a human being crash and see inside the head of a delusional and depressed functioning adult, that's cool too. Hope you're getting you're psych research done. Just include my name in the footnotes please. I deserve some credit for being batshit insane, right? I think that's it for now. Have a good one. -Chris (crmsnmth)

#update #words words words #my writing #writing #spilled words #some news #punk rock soap operas #punkrocksoapoperas #hello #creative writing #writers on tumblr #writers and poets #poets and writers

[nemainofthewater]

Thanks for tagging me @thebansacredbanned!

1) How many works do you have on AO3? 288

2) What's your total AO3 word count?

1.11million

3) What fandoms do you write for?

So many. Too many. At the moment, mainly cdrama related ones, with Nirvana in Fire being my most prolific fandom.

4) What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

I was moderately popular in the Witcher fandom, so a lot of these aren't very representative of what I'm writing atm

Shining, (The Witcher) in which Jaskier is, unbeknownst to him, a dragon. Simmering, Mourning, and Vibing (from the same series) are respectively second, third, and fifth on the list, so I'm discounting them (and other works in the series in the top-kudos-ed) on the ground it would be boring if it was just this series.

Haunted and Haunting (The Umbrella Academy), in which Klaus died age 13 and spends his afterlife looking after his siblings.

Shang Qinghua’s testimonial to why you should NEVER TRY TO CHANGE THE PLOT [System, help!!], (SVSSS), in which Shang Qinghua tries to a slight plot change and ends up with a husband

Barmecide, (The Umbrella Academy), in which all of the Hargreeve siblings die except Klaus, and it's only after death they start to bond

On Reflection (SVSSS), in which the author shoves the characters into a small, enclosed space and makes them talk about their feelings

5) Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try to! Mainly because it's so lovely that people leave me comments that I want to also interact with them and thank them? The only exceptions are if I don't really know how to reply to them, if they're a bit mean, or if they've left a thank you on every chapter of a fic (beloved!!!) in which case I'll reply to the last comment

6) What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

erm... I have no idea. Probably one of the NiF ones. Lin Chen tends to suffer a lot at my hands.

7) What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I also have no idea. Like I've definitely written fluffy ones! but how to quantify what's the happiest??

8) Do you get hate on fics?

a couple of times, but I either ignore or block. Thankfully not habitually

9) Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I don't, I tend to be a 'fades to black' kind of author

10) Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

So many crossovers. I think the craziest might be 'Percival from Merlin switches bodies with Luther Hargreeves from the Umbrella Academy'

11) Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I'm aware of

12) Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes!!!

A Russian translation of Plausible Deniability (the Magicians), a Chinese translation of Shining (The Witcher), a Russian translation of tho' it were ten thousand miles (SVSSS), and a Russian translation of you could cut ties with all the lies (that you've been living in) (NiF)

That's so many words of translation and I am amazed that people have done it!

13) Have you ever co-written a fic before?

So many co-written fics. Mainly with @thebansacredbanned and a couple with @luzzeagain

14) What's your all-time favorite ship?

This 100% changes all the time, but probably my favourite it Mei Changsu/Lin Chen/Jingyan, where Jingyan sometimes represents justice.

15) What's a wip that you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

Hoarding or Barmecide, both of which have wonderful readers but are different from what I've been writing in the past few years. I will get back to them! One day...

16) What are your writing strenghts?

hmm depends. Maybe characterisation? especially in Nif? Dialogue perhaps

17) What are your writing weaknesses?

I don't know how 'pretty' my writing is tbh... and also I have a propensity to plan these huge epic AUs that I then don't have enough time to finish writing (since they tend to be for exchanges)

18) Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I've done it! I think you need to either be fluent in the language of know someone who is and is happy to beta. not against it, but I think it needs to be done respectfully and not using google translate

19) First fandom you wrote for?

...it was possible the Bible. I wrote a poem about god... Discounting that, I think supernatural or Dr Who. It was possible a SPN/DW crossover.

If we're counting unposted ones, then I handwrote a Star Wars fic when I was like 8. Make it into a little book and drew the cover myself! ...it's never going to see the light of day

tagging @tavina-writes @abluescarfonwaston @shadaras

#ask game

[myevilmouse]

I finished re-reading Dis Manibus for the hundredth time, and it’s still 100/100. You made me enjoy Luke as a character, and I think you really highlighted his compassion and gentleness, which not all stories do well. I also loved the Thryce, of course.

Two questions, if you don’t mind: 1) At the end, is Luke coming to like Pryce due to the residual influence of Thrawn, or does he genuinely like her as a person? Maybe a bit of both? 2) I vaguely remember a sequel being mentioned on your blog. Do you still intend to write one someday?

Thank you so much for this amazing note @mireilleblue! So happy to hear Dis Manibus holds up on the rereads!  And your words about Luke and Thryce just turn me into a puddle of happiness.

I do not mind questions at all (I love asks!) and in this case you gave me an excuse to talk about a fic that is a fave!  It was such an unexpected story that really wrote itself, and it was a real pleasure to get it on the digital “page.”

I am putting the answers to your questions below the cut because there be spoilers if anyone hasn’t read the fic! Anyone who would like to, please come back later and... 😊

So to your first question, the answer is definitely “a little bit of both.”  My idea was that Luke, being Luke, can see the good in everyone, including Pryce.  Early on, he believes she can be reformed and forgiven, even if she doesn’t see that as a real possibility.  He admires her resilience and skills, and because he is so compassionate, he tries not to judge her for the sins of her past (even though he does have initial reservations about it, he is able to trust in the Force enough to let them go).

But when he wakes up after hosting Thrawn, there is most definitely some spiritual residue coloring his perception, as you know.  Our first hint is this line:

“Something twinged inside him, an immediate sense of concern. Luke wasn’t quite sure where it came from.”

And then it continues to manifest in subtle ways, from being warmed by her compliments, his reaction to her touch, the way he knows how she wants to argue as if they had done it “a thousand times”, etc. 

Luke has the presence of mind to recognize these traces of Thrawn, and while Pryce doesn’t understand it, she also obviously senses something isn’t quite right when he “sounds like” Thrawn.

Poor Luke, complicating his own life to help others (he’s good at that).  But as the ending indicates, he’s ultimately at peace with how things turned out.  However, my intention with the last line regarding Luke’s dreams.was to suggest that Thrawn’s psychic residue may be quite a bit stronger than expected.

Now…about that sequel...

I think at this point it’s fair to say I probably will write it. I went into a lot of detail about it in this old post below (another wonderful ask from @beebee-76) that you can read if you would like spoilers for what is to come.

If you don't want to spoil it, I'll give some more general thoughts:

The point of Dis Manibus was, as I mention in that above post, to get Luke and Pryce to hook up…that was my original and only intention, and well, you can see that didn’t work out (not that I am complaining!  I love when stories write themselves).  But I do feel like there is more to Luke & Pryce's story, especially now that we know a little bit of Thrawn’s influence and love has seeped into our handsome Jedi’s soul.

So the sequel would explore that.  When I came up with the concept for the sequel, fully formed like Athena from the head of Zeus, I decided “well, if I just type it up for everyone on the Thryce Discord, then I won’t have any more desire to write it.”  Well hah, the joke is on me because this is one plot bunny that is not leaving my pasture, just hopping about, grazing, and reminded me occasionally that there is a rich and emotionally very complicated tale to be told. 

In the meantime, if you’d like more Dis Manibus content, I wrote a little drabble from the "someday sequel" here:

and the amazing @blackmonitor did some glorious fanart inspired by it here.

Thank you again so much for this wonderful ask and your kind words—it just makes my week to know you still love it! Readers like you are gifts. Please have this pic in gratitude!

#myfic #asks #i like asks #thrawn #arihnda pryce #grand admiral thrawn #luke skywalker #fandom friends #governor pryce #thryce #other people rock

[une-erreur-inconnur]

BTW I actually started playing the Ssum again. Took me a full year break but I finally got over my losing 2 days of chats because of a bug lol. Which was good, it allowed me to not care as much about getting all the chats, so I wouldn't mind missing the morning's one (I set that shit way too early lol).

I finally finished Teo's route. He had his moments where he made me smile or stressing over his reckless ass (looking at you day 198-199 èé). I'd say he's a good route to take layed back since he's so... boring? Lol it sounds bad but he was actually my favourite. His route is entertaining but most of the time if you miss a few chats you don't miss anything important.

I started Harry's route now, I'll be on day 69, and he is funnier than Teo, MC was often rude to Teo and it would bother me since he's so sweet but with Harry I don't have to pull my punches if I wanna throw them haha. The confession day was awkward to say the least, but apart from that he has his sweet moments too. Though I really can't get over his beef with Teo for a character that doesn't seem to care about a lot of things. I used to think he had good intentions but was just lacking social skill to say what he wanted during MoM. Turns out he fully admitted to act like that for his amusement :/ he's so kind to us I forgive but ngl that cost him his place as favorite. I'll see what the rest of his route give me to work with.

I didn't play June's yet, I want to start it solo when I'll have no other routes going on.

Now, the reason I'm making this post, the new route, my new favorite after only 4 days, Henri. I don't know what about his writing made me lock on him so hard but he has my heart ! Lol

In only 4 days he got me smiling, giggling and kicking my feet like an idiot more than the 100s days of Teo and Harry combined (though tbf Harry still has ample room to surprise me) . Maybe it's the way he teases us, his sad mew mew side, his glasses (that he doesn't wear often enough! Come one cheritz his video call sprites SCREAM for their presences!), his beautiful darling blue eyes with white pupils, his voice. I wanna hug him, squish him, talk about him. I'm already sad we only have 14 days of him. He makes my heart flutter n.n

If I didn't want to finish Harry's route as soon as possible, I would've put it on stand by to just focus on Henri. I love him so much, I don't want to miss a single call or chat from him <3

#the ssum #henri #this is also my announcement that I'll probably post some of my fave part of his chat #bc this man got WILD on the bedtime chat and I wanna share that lol #he's my bastard(affectionate) #not all of his joke/tease land but he's funny too #that he gathered a lot of negative attention from June's route is quite unfortunate #and from what I heard kind of understandable #which makes me extra glad I decided to wait before playing June o/ #from what I heard he's really sweet to so I'll try him at some point #but Henri is 100% such a good surprise #if i didn't already have a mha fixation he'd definitely be it now #but since mha is close to finish...👀 #maybe I'll be lucky enough to not get in the no fixation limbo

[letmetellyouaboutmyfeels]

3 and 5 for the fanfic writer asks? (if you haven't done them already and if you'd like to answer them)

Hello dear!

3. What’s your favorite fic that you’ve written?

That's a really, really difficult question. I have a few favorites that I kinda rotate in my head. I'm really proud of the WIPs I'm working on right now too, I think several of these are gonna hop up to the top of my favorites list once they're finished.

I think right now I'd have to say In the Gray You are Golden. Yeah. That one really was a burst of pure inspiration and I think I managed to catch the tone, the mood, the world, and the character arcs I was all going for in a way that was poetic but economical, no superfluous scenes, and I genuinely think it's one of my strongest pieces I've ever done.

Other Buddie favorites include Further Than Blood (Or Than Bones), Let My Ink Stain Your Pages, and Your Fingerprints Smeared on My Heart (Lead Me Back to You).

5. What’s a fic idea you’ve had that you will never write?

See, I say I won't write something, and then I end up writing it. I said I wouldn't do a Zombie Apocalypse AU and here we are. I said I wouldn't do a [redacted] AU on the 911 Dispatch podcast and now I'm writing it. I said I wouldn't do a [redacted] AU and then several friends batted their eyes at me and suddenly here I am with a whole-ass plot and several scenes written. So really, saying I won't write something is the moment the devil starts laughing.

Right now I do have a few Xedgin ideas that I don't know if I'll ever write. I simply don't have time and I still want to write my Buddie fics. But maybe after October! We'll see! The image of Xenk saying to Ed, "Hush, I will stop thy mouth" and kissing him burned into my brain and I can 100% see them being the Beatrice and Benedick of a Much Ado-type fic, and @kitkatpancakestack is shamelessly encouraging me to do a Stardust AU for them (listen... if you told me that man was a fallen star... I'd believe you). I also feel like they'd fit a Pride & Prejudice AU really well, and I had a lot of fun with my Witcher Austen AU (and watching Bridgerton did NOT help avoiding that plot bunny).

I've also had a lot (a lot) of Buddie smut ideas that I've never written because again, total lack of time. I'd rather ignore those and focus on my plot-centric Buddie fics. I have toyed with the idea of a Star Trek Buddie AU but I don't know if I'd ever write it since I have no fuckin' clue what the plot would be.

So yes. Fic ideas galore. It's just unfortunately a matter of prioritizing and having only so many hours in the day (which is part of why I launched my Patreon TBH in the hope that if I get enough sign-ups I'll have more time for fic since I won't have to work a second job anymore).

#mads answers things #theyarnmaidstale #fanfic writer asks #I've got the four Xedgin fics I'm finishing up now #and then I really REALLY gotta work on my Buddie WIPs so I have them ready for October #but after that mayhaps I will return to Xedgin whomst can say #I just can't follow every single plot bunny down the rabbit hole or I'd never finish anything or get anything done #but yeah if you're ever like hey would Mads write X kink for Buddie... #I probably have already thought of it and decided I couldn't fit it into my schedule alas

[erroticaz]

personally i hate peoples perception of pregame kokichi. so i'll tell you about my own little headcanon!

•he's not as shy as people believe, just a little quieter then ingame.

•still a total asshole he just keeps his comments to himself. so it's more like “i fucking hate you but i'm never gonna tell you that because it would be too much of a hassle. so i'll just keep it to myself." (sorta like that? idk i have the idea perfectly planned out in my head i just can't translate that over to words kms) very hesitant and kinda polite when you first meet him, not so much polite- more like kinda distant? trying not to interact as much as possible, y'know? once you get to know him though he eventually opens up. he's very sarcastic, because ofc he is LMAO

•definitely an introvert. not a big fan of parties or other people in general lol. if he does have plans it's usually only with one or two people (probably shuichi or kiibo etc). he'd rather stay home and write then do anything else. i also have a little idea that when the announcement that danganronpa will be starting auditions for the next game he writes and designs what he wants his character to be like! (i started a little story about it a while back but never finished it- i'd love to finish it one day, i just can't seem to find the proper words to describe the ideas in my mind. if i could write it'd be fuckin over for you guys istg I HAVE SO MANY GOOD IDEAS) he's a big doodler and loves english class. huge dork for creative writing.

•he's into danganronpa and is a big fan of it, but not as much as shuichi is. shuichi is the one who originally got him into it. he's been into it since it first came out, so kokichi has a lot of catching up to do lol

•oh right! okay so kokichi and shuichis relationship. i don't see them as love interests even though i do love saiouma. but pregame? they're just awkward best friends. 100%. both just a bunch of fuckin nerds who have a special interest that no one else at their school has (if anyone else does they're not as vocal about it as them, or at least as shuichi is lol) they're not the most liked people in the world but it's okay, they honestly like it just being the two of them. they have sleepovers frequently and binge watch a bunch of the danganronpa seasons (shuichis already finished every season like twice but watches it with kokichi anyway, trust me he doesn't mind). but yeah, they're just two teenage boys! shuichi isn't a fuckin yandere or anything. fuck that. admittedly, i do fancy the idea but NOT as a headcanon. maybe as an AU but for that to be the way you see him?? bro. he has nerd energy RADIATING off of him. not a yandere, just a weeb who likes danganronpa.

[trigger warning for this one]

•kokichi is definitely a mamas boy. his dad used to be around but had some serious drug/alcohol issues. she worked hard to provide for her family as best she could, working hours and hours at a low paying 9-5 job. all the money she earned, his father would steal. take for his own to buy drugs and cigarettes. but because she was always working, she had no one to watch kokichi. she had to leave him there with his father throughout the day. she gave him a small phone and told him to call her if his father ever did anything bad or got too drunk. of course he would never do anything to harm him, intentionally, but as drunk as he was all the time he could never really be aware of his actions.. this went on for a while until it eventually just got too bad. she couldn't leave him with his father anymore. kokichi had been left crying to many times for her to allow. his father left when kokichi was around 6-7. his mother had enough of his behavior and told him to get out. plates were shattered, things were thrown, threats of murder were even brought upon him and his mother. but she did not stand down, she protected her son without fail. he eventually stood down and walked out. of course not without cursing and shouting profanities at the woman. swerving off drunkenly in her car. she felt awful for having her son witness his father like this, so she did anything to make it up to him. years went on and things got better, kokichi was a teenager now, his mother in her forties. money was less tight so she stopped working so many hours and spent more time with her son. they grew slightly apart, as most teenagers do with their parents but they would still be close. they'd watch movies on weekends and joke around with each other a lot, she truly was just a wonderful woman. she'd make lunches for him in brown paper bags because she knows he doesn't like the schools cafeteria food, he was always embarrassed by this though. (definitely not me projecting onto him whatt no pshh that's….. that's totally crazy)

that's all i can think of right now! maybe i'll add on more later hehe

#pregame kokichi #pregame saihara #pregame drv3 #pregame danganronpa #ouma kokichi #kokichi ouma #saihara shuichi #saiouma #but platonic #cuz they’re nerds

[neurodivergent-uni-support-group]

When your brain refuses to function with the same strategy everyday

I've recently finished writing my dissertation after 3.5 months, so am still just about living in academic mode. Unfortunately one thing I haven't seen people who struggle with executive functioning talk about as much is the fact that I can find a strategy that completely clicks with me and works perfectly, but then won't even help me get five minutes of work done the next day. So, I'm gonna slowly build a masterlist!

This was originally supposed to be specifically about how to find the right music to function with but might as well broaden it out a bit. If anyone has any strategies/music/website recommendations that work particularly well for them, let me know and I'll be happy to add them!

Music

Lofi Girl Livestream - Starting with the obvious one, but it's well-known for a reason! The song styles remain consistent enough to not get distracted by changed while still being different enough to keep the brain working, people are constantly in the live chat so there's an element of bodydoubling, and it's a livestream so you don't have to worry about changing songs partway through work. Plus if lofi hip hop's not your thing, they have a synthwave version too.

There's a platypus controlling me but it's lofi (1hr edition) - Getting a bit weirder now, I will admit, but I stand by this one 100%! At least once in every assessment period I will have it set to loop and playing for a full day. If instrumental music leaves too much room in your brain to be distracted, this one usually does the trick. The first couple of rounds might seem more distracting than it's worth but half an hour in, you'll be golden!

Mario Kart Double Dash Full OST - This doesn't specifically have to be Mario Kart Double Dash, but it is a fun one! Basically just think of a game that makes you feel nostalgic or comforted or happy, see if there's a full OST for it and hopefully it'll help. Other soundtracks I'm a fan of using are Danganronpa 2 and Professor Layton, but it depends what kind of speed/genre you prefer.

Minecraft but it's raining - Kinda similar to the previous one but this time it's particularly peaceful OSTs with extra sounds on top! The one linked is the video I use the most but it's the same few songs repeated over and over for 10 hours so depends whether you work better with repetition or variation. There's also an Animal Crossing one here.

8D Lofi Girl (2hrs) - If normal lofi and added rain isn't cutting it, 8D might be the way to go! Since the music is constantly changing direction it adds a bit more interest to your brain. It's only 2 hours long but there do seem to be a fair few others on YouTube so shouldn't be too difficult to turn into a playlist or queue.

I'm Still Standing - Just the song. I just put it on loop and for some reason it sometimes works. Pick whichever song you want for this, though maybe keep it for final day crunches and be prepared to never be able to listen to the song again outside of work.

Websites and Apps

Forest - The main programme I've been using this time around! You set a timer and choose a tree, and every time you complete a time period of work without going on one of the apps/websites on your blocklist, another tree is added to your forest. It comes as both a Firefox Addon and an app, which can either be used synchronised or separately. Be warned, if you do want to synchronise them, you'll need to buy the premium version of the app, but it's a one-time payment of £3.89, so if it's something you can afford, it can be really useful.

Noisli - A mix of background noise and generally useful features, this one's a website and an app. It has lots of different background noises and you can mix and match them to make your ideal work setting. There's also a timer and space to type within the website if you don't want to move outside of it during work!

#actually neurodivergent #actually autistic #university #studyblr #university life

[b1mbodoll]

AAAAAAA OMG DO I HAVE A LONG ASS ASK FOR YOU. MY DATE/NOT DATE HAS JUST CONCLUDED....

So a little back story - I worked with this guy this past summer and like the first time we met I alr liked him. Like he was exactly my type. Like 100%. But I'm super shy (never dated anyone, never kissed anyone, never held hands with anyone) so I never really did anything obvious that I liked him bc I was nervous. We kind of flirted (maybe) a lot near the end of the summer. We texted a lot a lot but he ended up moving up to college for his apartment earlier than expected so we never got to see eachother after our last days of work. There was lots of drama on my end surrounding that trust. Like mental anguish bc I fumbled the bag hard.

Anyways. We start school respectively (I go to school in NY and him in TX) and we don't talk that often, just snap like everyday. But as the semester goes on we reply to each other's stories and have short, friendly convos more frequently. Flashforward to like, a week ago or something. I reply to his insta story and we start talking. He finds out that I'm going home for Thanksgiving and he is to so he asks me to hang out. This is odd bc we weren't close enough as friends for me to think that he would ask to see me.

Anyways again, I'm skipping details bc otherwise I'll never finish this lmao - the date/not date was like everything else we do. Vaguely romantic but could also be friendly. He picked me, we ate dinner and then went ice skating together. He walked up to my door to get me, held open doors for me, and opened the car door to walk me back to my house after we got back. But like - no moves were made. No attempts to hold my hand or kiss me. AT ALL. But like he also complimented my butterfly hair lips like sir 😭😭 idk what you want from me.

But now I'm feeling kind of tired of 6-7 months of not knowing where we stand with eachother. So I texted him afterwards saying "Thank you so much for tonight, I loved seeing you again! Although, I did want to know if it was a date or if it really was intended as just a hangout, bc it did seem like it sometimes? Either way, I'd love to meet up with you again if we're both in town!" He then liked bith of the thank you messages and replied, we definitely should. But then he replied to the daye/not date ask with - I don't know. I'll have to think about it. He then said something about it being more than he anticipated but still good, so idk if that means that it wasn't intended as a date but became one and he enjoyed it or if he meant it as a date but I fumbled the bag (I give just as many mixed signals bc I'm an anxious coward lmao) but it still ended up okay.

HOWEVER, I AM A GENIUS, LIKE RIZZ MASTER 1000. I accidentally left something in his car so tmmr morning he's gonna drive back to drop it off (It's like an hour round trip for him). And tomorrow is the day I will stop being a bitch. I'm gonna tell him that I'm interested but that I also do genuinely enjoy him as a person so like, however he intends to meet up with ne in the future I'll be okay with that.

So yeah. Story time over 🫶🫶🫶🫶 Sorry that it's actually so long but I remember how excited you were so I wanted to let you know how it went 💗💗💗💗

IM ON MY KNEES RN STOP u r so cute and agh!!!!!! i will be needing an update with whatever happens pretty please, honey 🤲

im so ☹️☹️☹️ u guys went ice skating ☹️ that’s so so so so fucking cute!!!!!! that actually is so cute my heart cant take it ໒꒰ྀིっ˕ -｡꒱ྀི১ but no moves being mad.. 🤬 yeah i need to have a stern talking to with this man!!! what r ur intentions with my little angel, you HEATHEN!!! hehe no but srsly dont be anxious sweetheart! i know its hard n way easier said than done, but you seem so wonderful and im sure he thinks that as well! im so glad you had a good time <3

rizz master 1000 has me crying omg ur too silly 😭 but him driving AN HOUR TO GIVE U UR THINGS STOP IT my little heart is so warm :( im proud of u for messaging him and asking for clarification about what the lil hangout was! n pls u r anything BUT a bitch!!!!! ur perfect and i hope things work out well with him!

dont apologize for he length! i love anything romance so inwas looking forward to this update!!!! wishing u the best of luck with him <3 mwah

#♡.signed. sealed. delivered. #♡.sweethearts #fullsun9890

[glittergutts]

I swear to God if I have another shitty day I'm just going to hibernate.

I had a nice workout this morning, probably one of my best speeds, which is not something I normally look at, but it's cool that my speed is improving with my strength. My heart was thumping hard when I got done.

I'm going to have a cup of mushroom coffee to really get caffinated and hopefully not end up depression napping, at least until much later today.

I picked out a cute long sleeve dress to put on after I finish my workout/chores and get a shower. I woke up in a mood again and just want to look cute for my husband, and hopefully, we can have some alone time after the kids are in bed. I feel like I think that almost every day, and it almost never happens mostly because I fall asleep or Chris is having trouble with the necrosis in his hips. It seems like the stars never align for us to get physical and I'm just a little tired of it so maybe tonight I'll do something about it so I can at least get it out my mind for a little bit. Anyways enough about my sex life..

I'm going to try to get the kids working on school early because yesterday we had a really late start and it felt like it took all day even though it took the normal amount of time. I'm surprised at how easy it's been to homeschool both kids, we have things we all do together and things they do separately and it's working out beautifully. I asked Ellie how homeschool was compared to her last year at private school and she had only good things to say about learning from home. It made me feel so good and like I am in fact doing the right thing for my children's education. ☺️

I'm feeling pretty ambitious, so I'm finally going to look up a workout video on YouTube. Mostly because I don't feel like I know what I'm doing or how long I should do anything, so some guidance would be cool, and it's free, unlike a personal coach or trainer or whatever. I want to feel sore after a good workout. I haven't felt anything in weeks. I'm trying to up my weights a few pounds because they don't feel like they're doing very much. I hope I can get those soon. I need to go find my medicine ball so I can start using that again. I was really into my fitness about 7 years ago and so was Chris so we bought some weights and resistance bands I still don't know how to use and some other things. We got my elliptical from a sporting store that was closing for like 100$ and that's the only reason I have that. But even before I was only lifting 5lbs weights and using the elliptical for short periods of time. I'm doing so much more and feeling so much stronger than before this time. I'm just feeling determined to love my body again and suddenly I'm extremely insecure. Probably that lady that asked if I was pregnant just made me feel fat and gross and it hurt my feelings in a big way because it's not the first time I've heard that comment. The medication I take has ruined my body while saving my mind and it sucks so bad to have to choose because of course my mental health matters way more than how I look but feeling bad about myself is bad for my brain too so idfk. I feel stuck like this and it's so frustrating.

Ok I guess that's everything on my mind right now. Tomorrow is my 18 months clean and anniversaries always make me feel so strange.