#mortician geralt

[artistsfuneral]

The Witcher Scrubs AU 🏥

I know I said this AU is stupidly big and now you may see why, bc this is just me talking about the first few main characters not even the storyline, so: p.2 will be linked here

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Jaskier, Priscilla and Valdo are all the new interns, aka JD, Turk and Elliot, but the three of them have all known each other from college and actually applied for KMH (Kaer Morhen Hospital) at the same time in hopes of staying together. All three of them are very close-knit friends, but Priscilla is more of a Mom friend for the group while Jaskier and Valdo have this weird thing going on where their rivalry comes with some heavy sexual tension, meaning during college they've been the on-and-off couple that everyone knew about and surprisingly they're still friends (thanks to Priscilla and their rivalry) but for now they give off heavy “divorced couple” vibes, kind of like Perry and Jordan, but not aaaaas season one toxic. Given is, Valdo will judge and comment on every single thing Jaskier does (especially later when he has a crush on Geralt) and Jaskier will walk around drawing devil horns on every imagine somebody has of Valdo (figuratively and literally).

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In the beginning Priscilla would be more of a background-ish supportive character, like I said the Mom friend, who keeps their friend group together, helps Jaskier and Valdo whenever they're troubled, is one of the very few people that isn't immediately scared of Geralt and is usually very level headed (thanks to dealing with her two best friends all the time), even in stressful situations. She will have to go through the usual workplace harassment, being a female doctor and all, for example by patients calling her nurse and wanting a “real” doctor or others telling her she should work less so she can find someone to marry and have kids with.

And although Priscilla usually manages to deal with all of this incredibly professionally, she sometimes gets fed up and just says the darndest, mot scariest things ever. (“Dr. Marx' shift doesn't start until 2pm today and I just can't seem to find any of the male nurses. If you should refuse treatment I can, of course, stand here and wait until someone comes to help us out, but I'm afraid you'll experience cardiac arrest much sooner. Don't worry though, our mortician is male.”) Later on she will have to deal with watching Jaskier and Valdo getting better and better at their job while she starts to struggle in the ICU. As it turns out she's amazing in the ER though. And at the end of the “show” she'd definitely be one of the head doctors in the ER (if that's a thing).

.🏥.

Valdo, much like Jaskier, is one of those rich kids. His grandparents were doctors, his parents were doctors, he is a doctor. He doesn't really have a say in that, but unlike Jaskier, he doesn't mind it that much. He's very easily persuaded by wealth and fame, but he's actually a pretty decent guy underneath his “Daddy's favorite child” persona. He's really smart and has a great eye for figuring out what's wrong with people. But he's very squeamish when it comes to bodily fluids that aren't blood. (It's Geralt's favorite way of punishing him, after he's been an ass.) He will often come off as snobbish, but he honestly just doesn't notice that not everyone grew up with a personal chef. He immediately will know that he said something weird when Priscilla gives him a certain look that he often describes as blank disbelieve. (-_-') Valdo is- Well he's pretty obsessed with Jaskier to be honest. The thing is, Jaskier was his first true love and now he's kinda stuck gatekeeping Jaskier. He doesn't do it intentionally, he's not that much of an ass, it's just kind of part of his perfectionism. Along the lines of “I am perfect at everything I do, but I wasn't good enough to make Jaskier happy, so nobody is good enough for him.” Like I said though, it's very much unintentional and Jaskier has no idea what is going on, but Priscilla watches from afar, shaking her head in disbelieve. (The good thing about Valdo's gatekeeping is, that it has actually protected Jaskier from many stupid mistakes.) This obviously creates a lot of conflict between Jaskier and Valdo (even though they don't fully understand why) and it keeps happening again and again until one day, still at the beginning of Geralt and Jaskier's relationship, when Geralt gets (rightfully) fed up with Valdo's constant bickering. (They're planning on going on a date and when Jaskier asks when/where they're going Geralt will snap at him saying “I don't know, why don't we ask Marx for permission first?!” - “What?” And then Geralt will fall into an angry rant that opens Jaskier's eyes, who then goes to Priscilla who confirms it all and then he will sit down with Valdo and they'll have a long, heart-wrenching talk about it.)

Valdo being somewhat unable to connect with his patients and colleagues on a social level is ironically a really good thing, because while he's definitely not unfriendly, he doesn't take everything to heart. Unlike Jaskier is a lot better at dealing with the fact that they can't always save everyone.

.🏥.

Now Jaskier is obviously our main character, our JD.

As I already said, like Valdo he's one of the rich kids, but he has a way better understanding of the world than Valdo. He's also the oldest sibling and the only boy, meaning he has three younger sisters who he adores. Him becoming a doctor was entirely his parents idea and decision and since becoming a musician was not “acceptable” he kind of went with it, grateful that his parents paid for everything during his college years. In the beginning it really shows that he's not as passionate about this job as some of the others. He's incredibly smart and has absolutely no problem with studying and remembering everything (lucky him) but he's lacking enthusiasm (which is why Geralt initially can't stand him). His first couple of weeks at KMH are very tiring to him. Not because he's messing up a lot of things or isn't brave enough to take action, but because to him it's a very depressing and unfulfilling job and Geralt (and a few other people) seem to be constantly judging and downgrading him. He even thinks of quitting his job altogether, but Priscilla and Valdo stop him. It's only after a particular case where he helps to save the life of a patient he really connected with that he starts to understand how important this job actually is and how much it means. After that he also starts to understand Geralt and his serious attitude a lot better.

He always will have a bit of a problem seeing himself as a doctor, because he initially didn't want to be, but every day he wakes up and tries his best. He's really good at connecting with people, like JD he actually cares for them a lot and will meet many people that'll change his life. He struggles a lot when he isn't able to help someone and sometimes falls a bit too easily into his old “does this even matter?” way of thinking. It gets better with time though, and his friends and his sisters tend to get him out of that particular headspace rather easily. Especially Abby, his youngest. She's 12, like Ciri, a ray of sunshine and plays a big role in his life and kind of idolizes Jaskier a lot. She's rather independent and will visit Jaskier at the hospital or at home whenever she feels like it.

Unlike JD and Perry, Jaskier doesn't really have that much of a mentor, trainee relationship with Geralt, although Jaskier certainly has the same need to prove himself to Geralt. But Jaskier also thinks Geralt is incredibly sexy in his white coat and without it and when he's helping people and when he's arguing with Lambert and when he's berating Jaskier and when- Yeah- Jaskier very quickly develops a huge crush for Geralt after he went through his “do I really want to be a doctor” phase. Doesn't really help that Geralt treats him a bit more kinder after he noticed Jaskier found his will to help others and now sometimes even smiles when Jaskier is in the same room at him!

(and I really want to post this now so I can go watch Haikyuu before bed, so I will add the rest later lol)

#the witcher #artistsfuneral about the witcher #geraskier #witcher scrubs au #jaskier #jaskier the bard #priscilla #valdo marx

[thesleepy1]

Your Witcher Loves You

A/N: I didn’t plan on continuing this series. I didn’t even mean to make it a series in the first place but people really enjoyed the story and you all know I love the characters to pieces. I have an idea to make it more explicit later on, but for the moment there is just some angst and hurt/comfort. Mind the tags, if it's not your cup of tea, then it's not your cup of tea. It becomes a bit of a crack fic towards the end not gonna lie. I had a little too much fun with this. Any who, stay safe! :D You know the drill, unbeta’d as always.

Pairings: Eskel x Reader, Geralt x Jaskier

Summary: What happens when the witchers leave and you’re just left alone with Eskel? What happens when your heart stops beating while you rest? How loud can a witcher scream?

Or, a random drunk chick tells Eskel he’s not dicking you down enough and he responds by giving her his blood.

Word count: 3,378

Warnings: bodily fluid consumption, spit consumption, possessive Eskel, possessive behavior, angst, hurt/comfort, injury, brief character death, suggestive themes, flustered!Eskel, shy!Eskel, begging, non conventional usage of axii, foul language,

Part 1

Part 2

Eskel laid under you in the makeshift bed of hay. His head was propped up by his bunched up spare pair of trousers and a pillow stuffed with dried reeds and loose hay. His satchel, boots, and your personal items laid haphazardly at the base of your bed. A drunken woman snoozed a bed over, dead enough to the world that a mortician could mistake her for a corpse. He was surprised that no one had come to claim her. You and Eskel had spent the better half of a day in this small, monster infested village sleeping the light away.

Separated by a thin wall and a crude fence were a handful of horses, Scorpion included, and a goat who kept Eskel company as you slept on top of him. You two were about the same height but the same couldn’t be said about your widths. Eskel was wide. So broad in fact that you couldn’t properly straddle his waist and he had to keep a hand on the small of your back to keep you in place. The side of your face pressed against his chest, you rose and fell with his breath.

He was mindful of the numerous bandages that wrapped your body. The entirety of your chest was wrapped with the softest cloth. He had given you his spare tunic to wear, the article of clothing fitting you lengthwise but faintly slipping off your shoulders.

Eskel groaned softly into his free hand, making sure the sound didn’t affect your sleep. He was getting bothered by the barest ounce of unbound skin. And not of your chest or legs at that, it was your naked shoulder of all things that had his face heating up. Thankfully, he could explain the pink of his face away as the summer heat getting to him and not the jaw dropping deity drooling on his chest.

He stared at the ceiling of the stable, not trusting himself to look at you just yet. His body was treacherous and it would be awfully rude to wake you up because something was poking at your stomach. Even the scent of you underneath all the dried herbs and touch of crimson was getting to him. The scent of the two of you together, his tunic over your shoulders. He grew warm as a breeze drew more of your combined scent to his nose.

A whine drew him back to your face. You tried to prop yourself up but when that proved too much of a hassle you settled for shifting on his wide chest so you could lean back your head and face him. An unsteady, sleep aided hand traced the curve of his lower lip. Eskel’s ever charming smile gave you more canvas for your gradual painting.

“You’re warm,” your voice slurred, hand stretching to wander the span of Eskel’s face.

“A witcher’s warmth has often been compared to a furnace.”

Your fingers made waves out of Eskel’s short dark hair. You imagine what it would look like with wildflowers in the spring, with snow in the winter. “Feverish then,” you said, concern worrying your brow. “Is it infection?” You cradled his face in your hand that dwarfed his. One large arm wrapped around your body to press it against his side, the other hand came to rest on top of yours. “Where are you hurt, my witcher?”

“No where,” you made to continue but he kissed the palm of your hand with the gentlest touch. “The only culprit here is you, my love.” The confused look on your face made him continue with a face as red as Lambert’s hair. “I’m afraid that the mere sight of you has me making a mess of myself.” Perplexion still clouded your judgment as your hand slid down from Eskel’s face to his stomach and lower. Once your hand settled on the aforementioned “mess,” the mass of heated flesh grew hard under your barest of touch. “Darling,” Eskel gasped into his fist, eyes clamped shut.

“Yes, dear?”

“I won’t be able to stop myself.” Stop what Eskel wasn’t certain, but he knew it wouldn’t be any good for your stitches and healing body.

“And why would you ever want to do that?” Your languid hand gilded over to the waistband of his trousers. The skin underneath was hotter than a furnace. It was the sort of heat only mages could have withstood. Your calloused fingers casually traced over a hypertrophic scar running along his hips and the most beautiful song left Eskel’s lips.

“I’ll not be rough with you when your wounds still need time to heal. I do not want your stitches to come undone—if we were to—to…” Eskel could not get the words out when he was giving his all not to spill in pants like some desperate youth. “Please,” he pleaded, slowly pulling your hand away from his trousers and back over his heart. “I’ll use Axii on you if I have to. I mean it,” Eskel stated firmly, but the tips of his ears were still red. “I’ll not have you hurt yourself.”

“I know you can be gentle.” You leaned up to press a kiss to his jaw, hiding a hiss against his face as your movement caused your wounds to pull taunt. “Have no fear, my witcher.” Eskel was drawing the sign before you could even pull back from his face. “Spoilsport,” you teased without malice, sticking out your tongue as he finished the sign.

“Sleep.”

Your lids turned to lead and you slumped against Eskel’s side, limp. He listened to your heartbeat, watched as your chest moved with your breaths. “Now, was that so difficult?” he asked no one in particular, turning on his side so he faced you. His body shielded you from the entranceway, protected you from the unconscious stranger on the other bed. “You are—” Your heart seemed to skip a beat but did not continue.

“Darling?” Eskel asked, hand rubbing your side to stir you. “My dear?” Eskel removed Axii, gently shaking you to wake you. His heart was caught in his throat as the sound of your heartbeat became a memory. A yell was trapped in his lungs as he turned you on your back, hands placed at the center of your chest. He pushed down hard and fast, could feel your ribs yielding under his pressure.

A few bruised or broken ribs were nothing as long as he could get your heart to begin again. All the sounds of the stables were blocked from his ears as pure adrenaline pumped through his body. Never had there been a contract as intense or nerve wracking as the process of forcing your heart to beat once more. A panic like no other flooded him in fear. His family’s expression the first time they saw the scars on his face could not compete with the amount of horror in his system in that moment with you underneath his hands.

“Please, please,” he begged, “Please my dear.” Eskel could not tell if tears or sweat was running down his face. “Stay with me.” A growl, a scream, and a cry left him at once. The cry of a dying beast was the only comparison that could be made. Eskel yelled, his voice howling so loud he didn’t know what he was even saying, only that he wanted this pain to end.

“Eskel!” came the voice of his brother through the haze.

“What the fuck is going on?”

The softest thump under hands made him slow, made him settle back on his heel. His hands kept pumping until he was sure that you weren’t going to stop. Eskel did not wipe the sweat or the tears from his skin, his eyes could not part from you until he was sure you were going to wake. Your breath came as did your heart but you stayed still. The foul smell of death was faint in the air.

“What happened?” came a voice that settled next to Eskel.

“I almost killed them.”

“What do you mean?”

Eskel crumbled into himself, his tense body gave into its need to collapse. He fell next to your barely moving body. Your almost corpse was a poor bedfellow, yet he pulled you closer as his brothers surrounded him. Geralt’s hand came to lay on his shoulder and a sob left his chest. Through tears and a fear that would not cease to linger, Eskel told them what had happened once they left. The few blissful hours of rest, his selfish desires, his stupidity, and your resulting near death experience. At the end of it all, he removed his medallion from his neck and put it on yours. The head of a wolf sat over your chest.

“Shhh,” Jaskier was the one to finally brush the stray tears from his face. “They’re alive because of you Eskel,” Jaskier assured, “We’ll run and find a healer or even a mage. They’ll be as good as new, but rest assured knowing that they are alive at this moment because of you.” Eskel let Geralt draw close and pull him into an embrace with you still in his arms. He allowed himself to breathe in the scent of his twin, to cling onto the people who would love him through anything.

“As much of a shithole as this is, we’re still in an infirmary,” came a newcomer. Only one bed was occupied as the now sober woman lumbered over to the crowd of witchers and a bard. Her hands were on her hips as she took in the sorry state the lot was in. “Try and keep quiet, why don’t you? This is a public place, not your bedchambers. I could hear everything you lot said.”

She drew closer to the witchers, closer to you on the bed of hay and furs. A low, threatening growl erupted from the witchers. A pack of wolves ready to tear through flesh and bone if it meant one of their own was safe. Eskel with his reddened, amber eyes and labored heart looked more terrifying than any fabled monster. His claws were the hands that held swords to feed his love, his fangs the sort coated in blood from wild nights, and strength the only thing keeping the other creatures from prowling too close at night. Eskel was a monster with a mate and this woman dared touch what was his when his equally frightening brothers sat only a hair away.

“Get back.”

The woman ignored them, instead scanning a knowing eye over your sorry state. She had a rather youthful appearance despite her rather large intake of alcohol and her hair shown with a gleam that was almost magic. What gave her away were her eyes, an endless brown that no human could have possessed. The realization of a mage standing above them did not make the wolf pack settle. Rather it made them grip their swords and bare their teeth.

“Quit your roaring.” She was sleight of hand and procured Eskel’s satchel before any of the witchers could untangle themselves from their humans. Jaskier had someone ended up on the already small bed, held down by the weight of wary witchers. “You know better than to kill me when I could very well be the only one for days that could save your mate.” Without waiting for a response, the mage dumped all the contents of Eskel’s satchel on an empty bed. Murmuring to herself, she went on, “If only to get you all to quiet and leave me to my peace. Past Josette, you should not have drank that much. Present Josette has a skull splitting headache. ”

“What are you doing?!” Lambert managed to remove himself from the knot of limbs. He stalked to Josette as she began mixing Eskel’s elixirs with things she produced from her own pocket. Her pockets ran deep, there seemed to be a whole apothecarium in there.

Lambert made to grab at her but her body moved more swiftly than her earlier drunken state had let on. One moment she was on the other side of the room and the next she was shoving a bottle filled with crude liquids into Eskel’s face. “Spit.”

“I’m sorry to have woken you but I would be honored if you leave,” Eskel told her calmly, tucking your head under his chin. You laid facing each other, his thick, tree trunk limbs all but crushing and cradling you. “Please leave us be.”

Jaskier took the two short steps to reach the mage’s side and chimed in, “He’s the polite one of the group, but I’m not.” His eyes livid and his tongue venomous. “If you don’t get your hand out of his face I’ll happily make sure no self respecting sorcerer nor sorceress ever communes with you. You’ll die alone and an outcast from your own society if you don’t leave the poor man be.”

“And you’ll be building a funeral pyre if you don’t let me help.” If possible, Eskel seemed to try harder to fuse the two of you into one. He counted the beats of your heart in time with his own. “That right there is a witcher’s mate. And if you knew anything about them despite being one of them, then you’ll know that simple medicine won’t work.” Josette gestured to the bottle in her hand. “You lot,” she addressed Jaskier and your sleeping form, “Have so much witcher spunk in you that you’re practically one yourselves.” Jaskier flushed at this but before he could find a proper response, she continued. “Don’t you notice how bruises or scratches don’t seem to show on your bodies unless the injury was inflicted by something big? A great beast or a high fall?”

For once Jaskier was speechless, mind whirling to consider. Lambert furrowed his thick brows at her words. “Ale doesn’t have the same effect on you as it used to and despite it being tens upon tens of years since you’ve traveled with your witchers, you still look like you’ve barely hit thirty. What you lot need to heal is not just human concoctions of herbs and chemicals, what you also need is a good fuck.” Josette shrugged, “Or a bit of that witcher magic that practically runs through their blood. Spit works slowly, but just as well as blood and cum if you’re desperate.”

Jaskier had a comical look of bewilderment, “It's not like I believe you, because I bloody well don’t, but how the hell did you even come up with all of this?” Jaskier threw his hands up in the air, “Witcher’s mates aren’t some separate magical creature, mage. We’re just humans with little sense of self preservation and kinky bite marks. That’s it. And you’ve already made my friends here uncomfortable enough, so for the last time, I’m asking you to leave before I make you.”

“Presumptuous fuck,” Josette pulled down her collar to reveal just as many red markings as Jaskier and more importantly, a witcher’s medallion. “I’m no pompous mage, I’m a witcher’s mate and proud of it.” Her medallion showed the head of a bear. “Your friend over there spent too much time being a gentleman instead of fucking his mate into the ground and look at where that got him.”

This time when Josette thrusted the bottle into Eskel’s face, he hesitantly did as was told. He did not have much confidence despite what was shown to him, but at the moment this was his only opinion. If this worked then he knew what he had to do once the others left. He should have just given into your temptations when he had the chance. Skip this mess and should have gone straight to the good part.

Josette swirled the crude potion with a flick of her wrist, stirring together Eskel’s spit with whatever else she put into her bottle. The witchers held their breaths as she deemed her potion good enough to hand over to Eskel. Lambert helped prop you up as Eskel carefully parted your lips to trickle the contents of the bottle into your mouth.

At first nothing happened. The bottle was emptied and handed back to Josette. You laid propped up against Lambert’s front. Eskel curled around your waist, arms wrapped around you as he laid his head to rest on your stomach. The scent of you and him filled his nose but otherwise you stayed fast asleep.

Then with a groan and a mad rush to the side of the bed where you quickly emptied the minute contents of your stomach, you were awake. Eyes tearing and head a mess of clouds and haze, you took in the crowd that had surrounded your stable style bed.

“I feel like I’ve missed something,” you croaked, before your body was suddenly dragged back to the opposite side of the bed where Eskel sat. Eskel forgot himself and held you tight. He kissed you despite the taste of vomit, drawing gasps and whimpers from your lips. There was no care for the small mass of people around you. Only you. That was all that seemed to matter to Eskel.

“You’re alive,” he seemed to whisper against your tongue. “I’m so grateful you’re alive.”

You pushed against Eskel’s chest, crushed by the pressure of his arms. “Eskel, you were right. You wouldn’t have been able to hold yourself back. My dear, you’re too rough for me at the moment.”

At that Eskel instantly lightened his hold. He didn’t allow for you to go beyond an arm’s reach away but you were no longer crushed by his arms. Lambert to your other side was no better. You must have missed something big because you had never known Lambert to be the overly cuddly type. Yet, there he was, embracing you like it was something he always did.

Geralt squeezed Eskel’s shoulder reassuringly as Jaskier went to talk to a woman you had not yet properly met, but whom you owed your life to. You watched as he thanked her and made to get out some coin to pay her for whatever efforts she did to apparently save your life. All you remembered was Eskel casting Axii and falling asleep. Clearly, something had happened between then to cause your witchers to go into such a fit.

“I won’t take your coin. My witcher’s already out getting us some,” the woman, Josette, as you’ve learned said to Jaskier. “What I want is something only your witchers can give to me. I’m no mage, but I do dapple in experiments every now and again.”

“You’re not laying a hand on my witchers to get their essence.” You could feel the witchers physically recoil at Jaskier’s choice of words.

“I would never hear the end of it if Aurelio got your witcher’s scents near me.” Josette shook her head at Jaskier’s words. “What I want is just the barest amount of their blood. Frankly, it's a great deal considering I healed your friend for free.”

The witchers seemed to have bonded over your supposed death. Lambert nuzzled against your neck, Eskel held your hands in his like a lifeline, and Geralt held all three of you. None of the witchers seemed to have heard Josette or if they did, they did not care about the price. You on the other hand had some sense to question her odd request. “What do you plan on doing with their blood?”

“Do you want to know the truthful answer?”

“Of course, why else would they ask?” Jaskier remarked, crossing his arms.

“Some good old aphrodisiac. Strong enough for even our dear witchers.” Four sets of ears seemed to perk up to attention at Josette’s answer. “If all goes well I’m willing to even sell you lot some.”

You have never seen someone so eager to thrust their arms out for their blood to be taken. Today must have been your lucky day because you saw three. Even the bard had held out his arm as if his blood was worth experimenting on. If the glint in Josette’s eyes were anything to go off of, they by all accounts did.

“Oh dear, what has my band of liars gotten themselves into?”

#eskel x reader #eskel witcher #eskel #eskel fic #witcher lambert #lambert #geralt x jaskier #jaskier #the witcher netflix #jaskier the bard #the witcher geralt #witcher geralt #geralt of rivia #geralt of rivera #witcher eskel #witcher fanfiction #the witcher #witcher fic #witcher spoilers #witcher oc #geralt #mind the tags

[westmoor]

okay but which is better:

1) modern au where geralt is an independent funeral director/mortician and jaskier is the conveniently situated and blindingly upbeat florist who gives him an affiliate discount and insists on delivering the arrangements personally

or

2) modern au where jaskier is the morbidly upbeat funeral director/mortician who geralt the florist isn't actually affiliated with but makes up about 75% of his income at this point so like, maybe he is a little bit?

#anyway yen - also mortician #used to work for a Big Name funeral home but got sick of the cynicism and bs and showed up like hey. i work here now. #and also im better at your job than you are. (and she's right) #im not writing this btw #this is not my problem

[sheepisreading]

Books I finished in febuary

My first “review” (kind of a generous term for what I’m writing), books I finished in febuary 2022!

Emma, Jane Austen, 1815

I picked up Emma because I heard Jack Edwards (I recomend his YT videos, he makes book content!) say that it was his favorite Austen novel. I thought “Hey, Jane Austen is a classic, you should read some of her stuff” and since Emma had been endorsed by Jack, I went for it. I enjoyed the voice of the narrator, and actually the whole book a lot more than I thought I would. It’s a very fresh and light read, despite it being 570 pages (which intimidated me like crazy, the last book over 400 pages I read was The Secret History a year and a half ago). Overall very much readable and enjoyable even now, it’s just a nice lighthearted book !

Street Haunting: A London Adventure, Virginia Woolf, 1930

Okay, so I was looking around the bookstore, stumbled accros the Woolf section and ended up getting this short text because I liked the edition so much (nice cover art and nice, smooth, high grain paper, mmmh). It’s good! Our friend Virginia tells us about how she enjoys strolling through London so much that she’ll invent herself an excuse in the form of an errand to run to be able to go on a walk. I could definitely relate, I’ve done that of which she speaks often after a long day, or just on a free afternoon. A nice moment.

Will My Cat Eat My Eyeballs, Caitlin Doughty, 2019

In case you’re not familiar with her work, Caitlin is a mortician and youtuber (visit her channel Ask A Mortician!) and does popularization of topics surrounding death. I read her previous two books a few years ago and found them quite good, and was meaning to read this while for a bit. I finally got around to it this month and yeah! Good book. Her voice is funny, informative, nerdy (affectionate). If you’ve seen her videos, you might already have heard some of what she’s talking about, since she answers commonly asked death questions (asked by kids) in this book. I would still recommend it, I found it entertaining despite having seen all her stuff, it’s a garanteed good read if you already know her, and I would recommend it to people whose relationship with death is complicated as well.

Edward II, Christopher Marlowe, 1593

Edward II is a play by Elizabethan writer Christopher Marlowe. I previously read Dr. Faust by Marlowe and was quite into his characterisation and transgressive themes, so I decided to give this one a go. Also, some of my favourite lines are from this play (“Come death, and with thy fingers close my eyes/Or if I live, let me forget myself” for instance (I know, quite emo)). I quite enjoyed the betrayal/conspiring/following-of-one’s-heart-against-all-logic in this play. Some beautiful lines, nice intrigue, characters (quite liked Kent, who changed teams like 27 times in five acts). Interesting ! Definitely looking forward to reading more Marlowe.

The Witcher: The Last Wish, Andrzej Sapkowski, 1993

Well alright. I finally caved. I finally watched The Witcher on Netflix, after trying so hard to ignore it since 2019. And the worst is.. I liked it. Aaaaaah. So yeah, I initially thought the show was based on the games, but after watching the show I looked it up on Wikipedia and saw that it was based on books! Long story short (not that short I guess) I decided to start reading the series. The first season of the show actually follows the first book almost perfectly, and it was cool to see the original text. Plus, it’s been such a long time since I read a fantasy adjacent book, and I remember why I used to enjoy the genre so much. Also, they fucked up Geralt and Jaskier’s friendship like crazy in the show ! They’re actually such good friends in the book, and generally Geralt is a lot less grumpy and monosyllabic as his show-portrayal, which surprised me but was cool! Yeah, all in all pretty good book, I’ll probably read the other ones in the next year!

#bookblr #books #book community #book review #fuck #i guess? #the witcher #jane austen #caitlin doughty #christopher marlowe #virginia woolf #andrzej sapkowski

[theworldisadumpster]

I wrote all this at 4am

--

Why are bruxai and alps considered lesser vampores if they are intelligent enough and sentient enough to blend in with humans?

Why did they call that one bruxa in Toussaint the innkeepers daughter? Is the innkeeper also a vampire?

Who was she to detlaff?

If higher Vampires cant be killed unless another higher vampire does it, how can Geralt kill Katakans?

Hubert the mortician serial killer for example. He's a higher vampire, went to medieval medical school, was a professor at oxenfurt etc. Obviously he was intelligent and what not, why couldnt he regenerate after Geralt "killed" him?

If a higher vampire is cut into pieces, does he regrow those limbs or poeve himself back together depending on how far the pieces are from the body?

How are vampires made? Like there are tribes yes but how do vampires come into being? Do they have parents or do they Durin the deathless into existence? Would that mean new vampires are sprouting up all over the place? Do they have families?

#vampires are confusing #higher vampire #the witcher #the witcher 3 #emiel regis

[ma12s]

Phases/Interests the Arcana characters would have had if they were Gen  Z

Asra:

Naturally, when he was young he’d have a phase for Harry Potter, only the books though, and as he got older he’d re-read them and laugh at the magical inconsistencies.

TAZ. He probably simped at some point for Taako. Perhaps just dnd in general, and he either played a Magick user of some kind or a bard depending on his level of intoxication.

*inhales* PERCY JACKSON. that's it that's the point. He even got the unfulfilling Best Years Of Your Life Depression(tm) from reading exciting, romanticised accounts of teenagehood, only for it to not live up because how could it? its chill though, he finds his own little ways to be adventurous like making pasta in the late dead of night/early void hours of the morning, and eating on the floor. Faust helps him. 

Listens to sleeping at last just to feel again and Saturn is his favourite and he will dance sensually and soulfully to it, somehow.

He watches Midnight gospel because he just loves the concept of podcasts but can sometimes struggle listening when its just audio bc he will vibe himself into a mediative state and have no idea what half the episode was about, so the visuals ironically keep him pretty grounded while he watches it. (He does meditate afterwards, though)

Julian: 

This man DID have a fnaf phase and he IS the MAN behind THE SLAUGHTER. (He also gets a kick outta die in a fire (obviously) but it sends him absolutely, irrevocably feral)

He 100% had an emo phase too, but in a gay way that slowly transitioned into a weird taste for aspects of cottage core but like a Seaside cottage, and jams it to bear ghost now. 

I bet he also got into true crime and has many pieces of paraphernalia with the slogan “Be GAY Do CRIME”. He also knows waaaay too much about how to dispose of bodies from that one reddit thread and worries everyone by bringing it up just a little bit too often. Also! out of morbid curiosity, he's the kinda bitch that would watch autopsy videos at 3:27am and is subscribed to ask a mortician and definitely participates in vulture culture.

Ngl he probably also got roped into a SuperWhoLock phase by Asra and it just added to his trust issues and permanently damaged his Gaydar.

Probably haunted by April 13...

He can't tell whether he wants to BE hozier or if he wants to FUCK him but tbh he's not fussy. He sings his heart out to From Eden, and bops hard to cheer wine (his favourite is the live version) and you better bet he listens to the 8d audios of Hozier but its.... and his YT history is full of them.

Nadia:

She's a bad bitch, but probably didn't get into anything too obscure. She probably has liked something and tried desperately to hide it from her elder sisters, only for them to get into it too. she’d be alright about it at first, but when Nasmira starts getting way more likes on her fandom content, Nadia starts feeling a bit put down and quits the fandom. 

She’s is or has been at some point been knee deep in showtunes. She liked Hamilton but isn't quite trash for it, but will wipe the floor with your ass if Dead Girl Walking comes on.

Probably had a ‘not like other girls phase’ but instead of giving her a weird, kinda toxic relationship with womanhood, she got over it and accepts her femininity and will defend within an inch of her life women's rights and choices. 

She's a proud Barb and would absolutely let Doja cat step on her. She hypes up girls on their OnlyFans and will actively murder people who tries to disrespect sex workers, as she too, respects the grind. 

Also likes Greek and Egytian mythology, and stans Medusa as a victim of Men aint being shit. She also can't decide whether she stans Persephone or Aphrodite more and it is a constant ongoing debate in her head. She probably supports Lore Olympus on patreon.

Lucio:

MLP but he wouldn't ever admit it, and protects Fluttershy from creeps with his liFE. he also actually felt pretty bad for Discord, and kinda related to him. (Legend has it that on cursed, cursed nights of solitude, you can hear the sounds of DiSCOrddd iM hOWLin’ aT ThE MooN~~ drift in the air, accompanied by an actually really good rendition of the lyrics).

Lucio also liked heathers and he and Nadia bond over belting it out together, but his favourite is candy store (but will occasionally bop it to Big Fun).

His experience of Gay Culture was just binge watching drag race while he was still trying to accept his mlm-ness, and gatekeeped it until he learnt eventually how its supposed to be a place of tolerance and support and will now actively encourage All drag monarchs to work it. (He realises belatedly why it felt kinda wrong when RuPaul/the show did the queens dirty and the lack of diverse identites etc). He’s a little off with some things but with a little guidance from a very hesitant Asra, he's slowly getting Woke. (Neither will admit that they bond over these little lessons by the end of it, but everyone knows it and wish they’d just chill abt it)

Liked Voltron, stanned Lotor and his redemption arc and just... does Not want to talk about it.

Felt *weird*~~ when he watched that [one] scene with Levi from attack one titan and it took him a while but Now He Knows...

Muriel:

Got into Buzzfeed Unsolved and is mildly ashamed of himself but he finds Shane and Ryans dynamic really funny so he keeps watching it anyways. For some ~~mysterious~~ reason, he has had mad respect for Shane after the Goatman’s bridge episode, and immediately went to send it to everyone else, but got scared. 

He likes to watch documentaries on cryptids (sometimes with Asra, or with Julian depending on how creepy the cryptid is)

His life was changed on the fateful day of 11/11/11. He has the highest logged hours on steam out of everyone ever and ProtectOrcs2020 could basically be his tagline at this point. He always adopts the kids and makes them the Best House with the hearthfire DLC. He always goes with the stormcloaks and probably simps for at least 5 of the companions.

He got into the Witcher through the Netflix series and started out being a Geralt stan, but jaskier slowly snook his way into his heart and he highkey ships them and Siri IS their child. (he would convince Nadia to cosplay as Yennefer, if he had more confidence). 

Portia:

She liked dan and Phil but wasn't creepy abt it. She swore she could never pick a side but she secretly enjoyed Phil’s content more bc existentialism gives her anxiety. She did ship them but has since learnt quick that irl people ships aren't cute. She probably stays Thomas Sanders too

IF you're looking for a bitch with the nicest island on animal crossing, portia is 100% your bitch. She has Lillies of the valley for days and absolutely died when the special edition AC switch sold out before she could buy one, and compensates by copious amounts of Isabelle and the able sister stickers. Her favourite villagers are Fauna, Goldie, and Nate. 

Portia is also a queen of Stardew and often passes out before she can get to bed because she just wants to get ON with her beautiful FarM dammit! She can never make her mind up what villager she wants to romance and switches faves like every week.

Listens to girl in red to drown her sorrows after 🎨🎻👩🏼‍🤝‍👩🏻🔥.

#the arcana #the arcana game #asra alnazar #asra the arcana #julian devorak #julian #count lucio #goatman lucio #nadia #nadia satrivana #muriel #muriel the arcana #the arcana game portia #portia #fandoms #the arcana headcanons #honestly bros I think I must've gotten all? #faust #!!! #aight im gonna stop but like I'm honestly so proud of myself #the things and time I spend on this game #is #astronomial

[nonbinary-renfri]

F + yen/geralt

F: Fake Dating

-another modern au -Yennefer is a disability rights lawyer and Geralt is a physical therapist  -was Yennefer’s physical therapist a couple of years back when she had her spinal surgery and they remained friends afterwards -one day she’s meeting him at the hospital cafeteria for lunch and as she walks up she notices a nurse with curly red hair standing over him, she gets closer and can hear her asking Geralt for his number, pushing him for a date -she slides into the seat next to Geralt, cuddles up to him and kisses him on the cheek, saying “hey babe sorry I’m late, got held up in court” which is a lie on multiple counts bc she and Geralt don’t touch like that, she doesn’t call him babe, she’s not late, and her day today has been solely slogging through paperwork -but the lie and Yennefer’s bland, dismissive smile gets rid of the nurse soon enough, though she does put up some resistance (“he’s never mentioned a girlfriend” “why should that make a difference when he’s said no”) -after she leaves Yennefer moves to the other side of the table, though she reaches across to lace her and Geralt’s fingers together bc a certain someone is still glaring daggers at them from across the room, and asks how long that’s been going on for -Geralt says it’s been a couple of weeks since the nurse transferred to his hospital and ever since she ran into him for the first time she wouldn’t leave him alone -Yennefer suggests he report her to HR for sexual harassment (“that is what this is, you know”) but he doesn’t want to, jokingly suggesting that they should just keep pretending to be dating so she’ll leave him alone -Yennefer is not examining the deeper reasons why she is so easily enthralled by the idea, this will simply be a lot of fun and getting to fuck with people, and spending more and more time with Geralt isn’t the worst thing in the world  either -Halloween rolls around and their couple’s costumes are impeccable; idk what they are, Gomez and Mortician Addams maybe? Sally and Jack Skellington? Beauty and the Beast? -Yennefer is having a fantastic time and can’t wait for how good they’re going to look together at the hospital Christmas party -it’s early December and they’re at Yennefer’s house when they’re on the couch in front of the fireplace, Geralt’s head in Yennefer’s lap and one of her hands in his hair as she turns through pages with the other, reading glasses perched on the bridge of her nose -and maybe she scratches her nails over her scalp in a way that makes him near-purr in satisfaction and she’s so endeared in that instant that she has to lean down and kiss him -and it’s the classic fake dating no-one-else-is-around-so-there’s-no-reason-to-do-this-but-we’re-doing-it-anyways, except with the fun Geralt and Yennefer twist where they know without saying that from this point forwards they’re trying this for real 

ask post

#i know i said this would probably take longer but i fell asleep thinking abt it and woke up early enough to type it out/post it so #here u go #i hope u enjoy this one too! #it didn't come to me as easy as the other one u sent #but once i figured out where to start i enjoyed it a lot #ask #geraltsays #the witcher #geralt of rivia #yennefer of vengerberg #writing #my writing #mine

[klienerp]

Geralt doesn’t reply, his train of thought on something else. He looks over the rest of the bodies and finds defensive wounds as well. Someone was there when the wolf attacked. “Thank you.” Geralt says to the mortician. - The White Wolf

Caska looks at the bodies as Geralt turns, trying to see through Geralt eyes before following him outside Too many questions and ideas buzz in her head, her mind like a beehive, but she keeps to herself, knowing the Witcher can’t stand to hear her voice. 

#The White Wolf

[that-nico-diangelo]

Muse Wanted Connections List

Nico Di Angelo || 20 || Unemployed || Percy Jackson

Paired: Casper

Connections:  gods/goddesses, he needs a bestie.  Maybe a therapist.  Someone to spar with him/train his abilities with

Specific: Jason Grace, Reyna Ramirez-Arellano

Jason Todd || 25 || Fight Club/Bartender || DC

Paired: Jean Grey

Connections: Coworkers, One night stands, more friends (takes some work but he’s loyal), fellow antihero/vigilantes

Specific: Dick Greyson, Tim Drake, Talia Al Ghul, Joker

Stephanie Brown || 21 || Bookstore Clerk || DC

Paired: Robin Buckley

Connections: Friends, Friends with Benefits, A mother-esque figure

Specific: Dick Greyson, Tim Drake, Damian Wayne

Ruby || Ancient || Stripper || Supernatural

Paired: Faith LeHane

Connections: Coworkers, regular customers, friends, people who wanna make deals with demons, Friends with Benefits, One Night Stands

Specific: Sam Winchester

Luke Castellan || 22 || University Student || Percy Jackson

Paired: Cecily Herondale

Connections: Enemies, One Night stands, sparring partner, other demigods

Specific: Hermes, Thalia

James Potter || 21 || Waiter at Benbow Inn || Harry Potter

Pairing: Lily Evans

Connections: Coworkers, friends, enemies, troublemaking pals

Specific: Voldemort/Tom Riddle

Jace Herondale || 25 || Cab Driver || Shadowhunters

Pairing: Johanna Mason

Connections: Friends, coworkers, regular riders, a therapist

Specific: Lilith, Maryse Lightwood, The Owl (if you’re feeling creative/mean)

Harry Hook || 23 || Hitman at the Continental || Descendants

Pairing: Gil Legume

Connections:  Coworkers, Boss figure, friends, One night stands, enemies

Specific: Captain Hook, CJ Hook

Irene Adler || 35 || Philosophy Professor || Sherlock Holmes

Pairing: Sherlock Holmes

Connections: Students, Friends with benefits, colleagues, friends, partner in crime, people she’s robbed/conned

Specific: John Watson

Diego Hargreeves/Number 2 || 30 || Fight Club || Umbrella Academy

Pairing: Eudora Patch

Connections: Other fighters, budding friendships.

Specific: Luther, Vanya, Allison, Five, Reginald Hargreeves

Clint Barton || 39 || Bouncer & Fight Club || Marvel

Pairing: Laura Barton

Connections: Coworkers, fighters, enemies, Therapist

Specific: Thanos, Nick Fury, Kate Bishop

Geralt of Rivia || 94 || Nurser || The Witcher

Pairing: Yennefer 

Connections: Co-workers, random people he’s helped, One night stands, friends with benefits, enemies.

Specific: Zoltan, Iorweth

Valkyrie || Ancient || Commander at LCPD || Marvel

Pairing: Kassandra

Connections:  Co-workers, one night stands, friends with benefits, friends, sparring partners

Specific: Thor, Bruce Banner

Morgan Stark || 22 || Student at UNLV || Marvel

Pairing: Lila Barton

Connections: Fellow students, friends, colleagues, professors, enemies

Specific: Bruce Banner, Sam Wilson

Ben Hargreeves/ Number 6 || 30 || Counselor at UNLV || Umbrella Academy

Pairing: Shuri

Connections: Students, people he’s counseling, friends, fellow people with powers.  

Specific: Luther, Vanya, Allison, Five, Reginald Hargreeves

Arthur Pendragon || 26 || Owns Amagi Inn || Merlin

Pairing: Gwen

Connections: Employees, friends, enemies, fellow former rulers.

Specific: Merlin, Lancelot, Percival, Uther

Jack Frost || Ancient || Student at UNLV || Rise of the Guardians

Pairing: Toothiana

Connections: Classmates, teachers, friends, enemies, one night stands

Specific: Easter Bunny, Sandman, Man in the Moon, Pitch Black

Maleficent || 38 || Professor at UNLV || Disney’s Maleficent

Pairing: Conall/Diaval

Connections: Students, Co-workers, Friends, friends with benefits, enemies, fellow fae she’ll want to protect.

Specific: Prince Philip, Stefan, Any of the dark fae/fae in general.

Illya Kuryakin || 32 || Head of Security at Wayne Enterprises || Man from UNCLE

Pairing: Gaby Teller/Napoleon Solo

Connections: Employees, enemies, one night stands, friends with benefits

Specific: None

Jughead Jones || 20 || Journalist || Riverdale

Pairing:  Shock

Connections: Coworkers, friends, enemies, 

Specific: Literally anyone else from Riverdale

Stiles Stilinski || 23 || Police Officer || Teen Wolf

Pairing: Derek Hale

Connections:  Coworkers, enemies, one night stands

Specific; Malia, Theo, Erica, The Nogitsune, 

Lady Death || Ageless || Mortician || Marvel

Pairing: Currently unpaired

Connections: Friends, coworkers, friends with benefits, one night stands

Specific: Thanos

Regulus Black || 20 || Student at UNLV || Harry Potter

Pairing: Steve Harington

Connections: Friends, classmates, teachers, one night stands, people into dark magic

Specific: Kreacher, Walburga Black

Jade Nguyen || 34 || Hitman at the Continental Hotel || DC

Pairing:  John Wick

Connections: Coworkers, enemies, one night stands

Specific: Roy Harper, Artemis

Eris || Ancient || Owns Seven Devils || Sinbad

Pairing: Currently unpaired

Connections: Friends, Enemies, people who’s lives she’s ruined, people who love chaos, one night stands

Specific: Sinbad

Madzi || 20 || Student at UNLV || Shadowhunters

Pairing: Josie Saltzman

Connections:  Friends, classmates, one night stands, fellow magicians

Specific: None

James Rogers || 24 || Dojo Instructor || Marvel

Pairing: Bella Swan

Connections: Other Superheroes, coworkers, students, friends, frenemies

Specific: Ultron, Torunn, 

Carl Grimes || 19 || Student at UNLV || Walking Dead

Pairing: Nina Gursky

Connections: Classmates, Teachers, maybe a therapist.  Friends

Specific: Rick Grimes, Michonne

Atreus || 23 || Citadel Clerk & Fighter || God of War

Pairing: Jenny

Connections: Sparring partners, fellow demigods, coworkers, friends

Specific: Freya, Mimir

Finnick Odair || 25 || Tailor Shop Manager || Hunger Games

Pairing: Annie Cresta

Connections: Coworkers, friends, therapist, enemies

Specific: President Snow, Mags, Peeta Mellark

Blossom Utonium || 22 || Student at UNLV || Powerpuff Girls

Pairing: Brick Jojo

Connections: Classmates, Teachers, friends, enemies, 

Specific:  The professor, HIM, Mojo Jojo

Magnus Bane || 400+ || Owns The Screaming Cat || Shadowhunters

Pairing: Alec Lightwood

Connections: Employees, fellow warlocks, enemies, clients both magical and otherwise

Specific: Camille

BD-1 || 20 || Student at UNLV || Star Wars: Fallen Order

Pairing: BB-8

Connections: Fellow droids/androids, Classmates, teachers, friends, jedi and sith

Specific: Cere, Greez, Trilla

Raphael Santiago || 79 || Owns Medical Clinic || Shadowhunters

Pairing: Simon Lewis

Connections: Other vampires he can assist, friends, enemies, fellow downworlders,

Specific: Camilla

Leta Lestrange || 24 || Public School Teacher || Fantastic Beasts

Pairing: Queenie Goldstein

Connections: Students, Colleagues, friends, enemies, other witches

Specific: Theseus Scamander, 

Will Herondale || 18 || Citadel Clerk & Fighter || Shadowhunters

Pairing: Princess Aurora

Connections: Coworkers, Sparring partners, friends with benefits

Specific: Jem Carstairs, Tessa Grey

Katniss Everdeen || 18 || Fighter || Hunger Games

Pairing: Koriand’r

Connections: Friends, sparring partner, fighters, rivals, therapist

Specific: Peeta Mellark, Gale Hawthorne, Cinna

Poe Dameron || 32 || Fighter & Firefighter || Star Wars

Pairing: Finn

Connections: Coworkers, enemies, fellow rebels, one night stands

Specific: Chewbacca, Zorii 

Lucy Pevensie || 20 || Doctor || Chronicles of Narnia

Pairing: Currently Unpaired

Connections: Patients, coworkers, friends, magicians of any sort, fairytale creatures

Specific: Peter Pevensie, Edmund Pevensie, Eustace Scrubb, Mr.Tumnus

Steve Rogers || 95 || Owns Hawke’s Gym || Marvel

Pairing: Bucky Barnes

Connections: Employees, clients, fellow heroes, maybe a therapist

Specific: Sam Wilson, Thor, Bruce Banner

Ahsoka Tano || 20 || Owns The Sanctuary || Star Wars

Pairing: Emily

Connections: Employees, friends, jedi, enemies, 

Specifics: Anakin Skywalker, Padme Amidala, Commander Rex

Adrien Agreste || 25 || Bartender at Seven Devils || Miraculous Ladybug

Pairing: Marinette Dupain-Cheng

Connections: Coworkers, friends, one night stands, sparring partner, superhero buddies

Specifics: Gabriel or Emilie Agreste

Toothless || 23 || Student at UNLV || How to Train Your Dragon

Pairing: Lightfury

Connections: Friends, classmates, teachers, tutors, people who like dragons

Specifics: Any of his kids, Stoick, Stormfly, Grimmel, Drago Bludvist

Pietro Maximoff || 25 || Bartender at Lux || Marvel

Pairing: Kara Danvers

Connections: Superheroes in general, friends, coworkers, regular customers, one night stands

Specifics: Vision

Isaac Lahey || 24 || Motorcycle Specialist || Teen Wolf

Pairing: Vernon Boyd

Connections: Friends, packmates/fellow werewolves, enemies, coworkers

Specifics: Erica, Cora

Ezio Auditore || 25 || Bartender at The Eagle’s Perch || Assassin’s Creed

Pairing: Leonardo Da Vinci

Connections: Friends, Coworkers, fellow assassins, templars, enemies

Specifics: Bayek, Desmond Miles, Caterina

Katara || 20 || TA at Xavier’s School || Last Airbender

Pairing: Bianca Di Angelo

Connections: Friends, coworkers, other benders, enemies

Specifics: Aang, Sokka, Toph.

Arwen Udómiel || Ancient || Director at the Medical Clinic || LOTR

Pairing: Aragorn

Connections: Other elves, friends, coworkers, patients, sparring partner

Specifics: Elrond, Legolas, Gimli, Frodo

Kaa || 24 || Stripper || Jungle Book

Pairing: Kidagakash

Connections: Friends with Benefits, One Night Stands, clients, friends, enemies, people she can hypnotize/con

Specifics: Mowgli, Bagheera, Shere Khan

Peter Pettigrew || 25 || Clerk at Mr.Gold’s || Harry Potter

Pairing: Petunia Evans

Connections: Friends, a therapist, personal trainer, anyone willing to be nice to him

Specifics: Voldemort/Tom Riddle

Eddie Brock/Venom || 30 || Journalist || Marvel

Pairing: Cassidy

Connections: Friends, aliens, a Therapist, Enemies, sparring partner, spider-people

Specifics: Anne Weying, Riot

Aslan || Centuries || Counselor at UNLV || Narnia

Pairing: Amalthea

Connections:  Friends in general, patients, enemies, everything really.

Specifics: Peter Pevensie, Edmund Pevensie, Eustace Scrubb, Jadis

T’Challa || 35 || Civil Rights Attorney at City Hall || Marvel

Pairing: Jessica Jones

Connections: Friends, Coworkers, more family members, clients, enemies

Specifics: Kilmonger, Nakia, M’Baku

Jacen Solo || 28 || Fighter at Fight Club || Star Wars

Pairing: Mitchell McKinnon

Connections: Other Jedi/Sith, friends, rivals, other fighters, enemies

Specifics: Ben Skywalker, Anakin Solo, Tenel Ka

Damien Wayne || 20 || Student at UNLV and Assistant at Wayne Enterprises || DC

Pairing: Currently Unpaired

Connections: Friends, other DC heroes and villains, classmates

Specifics:  Tim Drake, Dick Greyson, Talia Al Ghul

Matt Murdock || 32 || Lawyer at Beaumont Law Offices || Marvel

Pairing:  Sidney Prescott

Connections: Friends, Clients, enemies, you name it.

Specifics: Foggy, Karen Page, Electra

Pamela Isley || 33 || Head Caretaker of LC Gardens || DC

Pairing: Harley Quinn

Connections: Fellow plant enthusiasts, people who want to cause trouble, heroes, friends,

Specifics: Joker, Dick Greyson

Zatanna Zatara || 35 || Owner of The Black Butterfly || DC

Pairing: Currently Unpaired

Connections: Other magic users, friends, enemies, clients

Specifics: None currently

Mipha || 68 || Doctor at Limbo City Medical Clinic || Breath of the Wild

Pairing: Currently Unpaired

Connections: All of them.  Mipha loves/cares about everyone, good or bad alike.

Specifics: Ganon, Urbosa, Daruk, Revali

Fili || 82 || Cab Driver and Fighter in Underground Fight Club || The Hobbit

Pairing: Pippen Meriadoc

Connections: Friends, co-workers (he’s been here for nearly a decade, so feel free to assume any connections you like

Specifics: Thorin, any of the other Dwarves, Tauriel

John Winchester || 45 || Manager at Mr.Gold’s || Supernatural

Pairing: Mary Winchester

Connections: Other Hunters, friends, enemies, supernatural people he can be nervous around.

Specifics: Bobby Singer 

Trixie Espinoza || 24 || Manager at Seven Devils || Lucifer

Pairing: Currently Unpaired

Connections: Employees/coworkers, friends, other supernatural beings

Specifics: Danny Espinoza, Mazikeen

Raven Darkholme || looks 27|| Manager at Limbo’s Bimbo’s, Underground Fight Club Fighter

Pairing: Irene Adler/Destiny

Connections: Xmen, other mutants, enemies, new friends

Specifics: Charles Xavier

Scorpius Malfoy || 23 || Teacher at Limbo City Public School || Harry Potter

Pairing: Primrose Everdeen

Connections: Former classmates, other teachers, friends

Specifics: Draco Malfoy, 

Ygritte || 25 || Security at the Eagle’s Perch || GOT

Pairing: Jon Snow

Connections: Friends, warrior buddies, other free folk

Specifics: Mance Rayder, Tormund Giantsbane, 

Peggy Carter || 27 || Lieutenant at the LCPD || Marvel

Pairing: Daniel Souza

Connections: SHIELD personell, friends,  enemies, pretty much everything.

Specifics: Howard Stark, Jarvis

Thomas || 20 || Student at UNLV || The Maze Runner 

Pairing: Newt

Connections: WCKD people, Other gladers, new friends, people to prevent him doing self-endangering shit.

Specifics: Minho, Gally, Chuck, Alby, Theresa, Ava Paige

#limbchq: ooc

[lover-de-lettenhove]

@sapientiaethumanitas; continued from here

Dandelion couldn't help the pang of hurt in his heart, but he wasn't going to let it bring him down. He'd spent a great deal mourning after the fact, but he'd never let on that he might still be doing so in small ways.

"I.. Thank you," though he couldn't be entirely sincere, "it means a great deal to me. I'm glad to know it wasn't just some nameless mortician who picks the bodies clean of loot before putting them to rest."

At least that much he could be genuinely grateful for, but to say he was pleased to hear of it was.. well, it was bittersweet. They were properly tended to, but they were gone. The depression that was beginning to grip the bard's heart was squeezing ever tighter, but again, a smile then another swig.

"They were great people in their own respects. I think I spent the first week afterwards alternating between drinking and wallowing while I was drinking. After that, it just became a blur. Still haven't stopped drinking, but that's less the mourning and moreso my penchant for a good ale." He could do most things happily while drinking. It was a miracle he wasn't some form of addict, but it helped that he preferred drink for the taste more than the intoxicating effects. He enjoyed coherency, thank you muchly.

This excursion to Oxenfurt was meant to be a chance to visit old flames and older friends, but to have been invited out by the vampire to whom Regis accredited so much of what he knew was admittedly nerve-wracking. Just because he'd somehow garnered a modicum of favor from two vampires didn't mean meeting a third wasn't going to make him uneasy. He'd have felt better to have Geralt there, but that was out of the question with him being happily retired to his vineyard in Toussaint. However, after a drink or two and what was turning out to be quite emotionally stimulating conversation, he was quick to relax. If a vampire wanted to eat him, they probably wouldn't stop to ask him questions about his feelings (unless this was part of a game..?), and this was a man who was supposed to view humans favorably rather than using them as a source of intoxication. That much made him feel the slightest bit better on top of the alcohol. The bard trusted that Regis wouldn't purposely put him in harm's way.

"But now I have to turn the question back on you: what regrets do you have? If you're truly as long-lived as Regis has led me to believe, then surely you've got enough tales to at least fill half a library."

Careful, Ezekiel. No one is spared from being thrust into one of his ballads if he finds the story titillating or dramatic enough.

#ic #sad dandy #but he's trying #he'll use you as book material #and probably find a way to turn it into a self-insert #don't be the next geralt #xD #sapientiaethumanitas

[julek]

mortician au meet-cute. (is it a meet-cute?). read the series on ao3!

Geralt is giving Renfri some nice neck scratches when Aiden comes in through the door, the little bell above it giving a nice little chime. 

“Morning,” he says cheerfully, dropping a crisp newspaper on Geralt’s kitchen table and making a beeline for the old moka pot, stainless steel glinting in the grey morning light coming through the window. Geralt still wonders when it was, exactly, that Aiden became a permanent fixture in the Morhen house. 

Probably around the time Lambert started messing around with spells, rites, and harmless, bloodless sacrifices.

Probably.

“Morning,” he answers, his voice still a bit rough with disuse. “Please, help yourself to some coffee,” he says, eyebrows raised, as Aiden begins pouring himself a second cup. 

“Got anyone in today?” He wonders, nodding to the dark green door that leads to the mortuary downstairs. “The paper says there’s been a car crash.”

Geralt shakes his head. “No one in yet. But I’m sure they’ll start coming soon.”

Aiden nods sympathetically. This is why Geralt likes him, he’s reminded — anyone else would shudder at the dark yet accurate prediction, but he simply shrugs and begins snooping around Geralt’s kitchen, as he often does, lifting pot lids and making spoons clatter against the marble tabletop. 

“Lambert is in The Room,” he says gently, mentally nudging Aiden out of his kitchen and into his brother’s embalming room, affectionately and ominously nicknamed The Room. “If you were looking for him.”

“Oh.” Aiden deposits his mug into the sink, frowning slightly at it, and then looks at Geralt in belated recognition. “Yes! That’s why I came in, in the first place, of course. Thank you for the coffee.”

Geralt shakes his head at his retreating figure. “No problem.” The newspaper is still sitting on his table, and he turns back to Renfri, who’s looking up at him with curiosity painted on her green eyes. “Looks like we’ll have some work to do today, hmm?”

-

His apron, a sensible black, stares back at him from where it’s hanging on its little hook. The tiny and slightly crooked Morhen Mortuary embroidery at the front — Nenneke’s gift for who knows which birthday — makes Geralt smile, and he’s still smiling as he walks the stairs down to his own room. 

The car crash Aiden had noted had unfortunately taken the life of a young man, according to the paper and the EMTs who had driven the body to the funeral home. The man, they had explained, had been riding on his bike downtown when a truck appeared out of nowhere and made it impossible for him to avoid crashing into the left headlight. 

It had been a painless death, they said. Geralt could only hope so, for the victim’s sake. 

The light switch creaks slightly as he flips it on, the fluorescent bulbs flickering to life above him. Immediately, the strong scent of embalming fluid envelops him, and he breathes it in like one would a nice spring morning on a field. Nothing like a work-laden morning to bring his spirits up.

(Or sideways, he doesn’t know). (He’s been learning some interesting things with Lambert’s new hobby). (Half of those are lies, he knows, but still). 

(It’s nice to pretend).

The body on the table looks… rough. Whatever remains from the man’s clothing is rumpled and dirty, the fabric tattered and covering his body in uneven patterns. There are bruises all over his right side — his legs, his abdomen, up his neck and littering his face like a child’s painting. His handsome features are obscured by the blood trickling down his forehead.

He couldn’t have survived the crash, Geralt knows, but he has to check for vital signs anyway. He has no pulse, nothing but cold skin where Geralt presses his gloved fingers, and later, his stethoscope. His limbs are stiff and locked in place, and he’s unresponsive as Geralt touches his face, his eyes — incredibly blue — clouded. 

The perfect picture of death.

Sometimes Geralt wishes he believed in God. Any God, really — anything that could allow him to say a small prayer, to wish this person well in their path to… wherever they’re going, to honor their life and make it all mean something. 

But he doesn’t, so, naturally, he starts a conversation with the dead man lying on his table. 

“Hello,” he says politely, as he starts removing the man’s scraps of clothing from his skin. “My name is Geralt. I’m your mortician— well, I mean, I’m not your mortician. I’m… anyone’s. No one’s. It’s not like when you go to the doctor, you know— oh, yeah, that guy is my doctor. You can’t tell anyone about this experience, so I’m never referred to as anyone’s anything.” He tosses the man’s shirt aside. “But, you know, in case you do recall this to anyone, in the ol’ queue to the afterlife, you can call me your mortician. Or Geralt. Geralt’s fine.”

The man, unsurprisingly, says nothing. 

“I’m sorry I don’t know your name,” Geralt continues. “You came in without any personal effects— well, you were wearing that tiny Hello Kitty backpack, but there was nothing inside that could tell us anything about you.” The man’s jeans need to go next, but they’re so disfigured Geralt grabs a fabric scissor from the counter. “You kind of look like your name was… hmm. Nothing too generic, I don’t think. Balthazar, maybe? Or Timothy. Valdo, perhaps? That’s a name you have the face for. The eyes, especially.”

He starts cutting the man’s jeans, pausing to chuckle at the fact that he momentarily gave the man jorts, and then continues until he can peel it all off. 

“Your clothes are nice. I’m sorry they got ripped apart, though. And, well, sorry I’m ripping them apart now, too.” He starts untying the man’s shoelaces. “I hope you get some nice clothing wherever you’re going. Do you think you’ll need money in the afterlife?”

The man’s hand falls to the table in response. 

Before, Geralt would’ve jumped at the movement, but now, seasoned as he has become, he knows it’s just a spasm. His heart hasn’t gotten the memo yet, though, hammering in his chest.

“Ah, love a good postmortem spasm,” he chuckles, sliding the shoe off the man’s foot. “Keeps me vigilant. Did you know people used to think these kinds of movements indicated the deceased person’s will to live? They used to say it was a sign of perseverance— how the strongest people kept fighting death until the end.”

He likes to think there’s some truth to it; that someone could have loved their life so much that they would hang on to it with every fiber of their being. That death could be defied by stubbornness.

He pulls out the man’s other shoe, and smiles at his socks: ice cream patterned, glittery bright pink.

“You seem like an interesting person,” he says, peeling the socks off, leaving the man in his — also brightly patterned — underwear. “Would have been nice to meet you.”

Geralt turns around and moves to the counter, making sure the hose is connected to the water tap, and arranging all his instruments to his liking. He can hear the music Lambert’s playing in The Room, some sort of old-timey rock he knows but can’t quite place, and he starts humming along in his low, gravelly tone. 

“Mm, you got me so I can’t sleep at night, mmm…” 

“The Kinks? Really?”

Geralt turns around, clutching the hose to his chest.

“I mean,” the man says, facing Geralt and laying on his side like a really stiff art subject, waiting to be immortalized in a canvas, “I would’ve expected a man of your complexion to listen to something… darker. Tougher? I don’t know.” 

Geralt blinks. 

He really should have checked the carbon monoxide detectors last night.

“So,” the man says. “What kind of a place is this, anyway? Don’t get me wrong, I do, quite often, wake up half-naked in places I can’t recognize, but this is a new level of kinky shit. What is this table?” He props himself up on his hands, with effort. “Why are my movements so… bad?” He frowns. “Why’s my tongue… wrong? What is going on?”

“You’re… alive,” Geralt says, eloquently.

The man’s eyebrows shoot up into his hairline, and he’s still so pale and mangled, it’s grotesque. Like a really bad makeup job for a school play. “Well, I mean, I know that? Because if this is heaven — and I’m definitely not complaining about the view — it’s quite… underwhelming?” 

Almost automatically, Geralt surges forward and grabs the man’s head between his hands. “Don’t move like that,” he says, smoothing down the man’s skin. “The rigor mortis won’t go away for a few hours. You could get stuck like that.”

The man’s face falls. Well, tries to. “Rigor… mortis?” 

Geralt drops the man’s head like it’s on fire. It should be on fire — the man’s skin should melt into bone and he should put on a funky leather jacket and ride his black motorcycle straight into hell and out of Geralt’s humble and sensible funeral home. 

Upstairs, an old Dire Straits song starts playing. As if the world is supposed to just go on, while the very dead man that was laying on Geralt’s embalming table mere seconds ago is now making something akin to lively conversation with him.

He was dead. Geralt checked his pulse, looked into his very dead-looking pupils. He was about to inject fluid into his arteries, for goodness’ sake. 

“So,” the man says, sitting up, and finally looking down at himself. He pokes at a purple bruise on his ribs. “Either this is all part of a very elaborate joke on one of my friends’ behalf, or you’re just a very good-looking psychopath who will now proceed to make me witness my own autopsy, or something.”

“I’m…” Suddenly, Geralt has no clue what to say. How does he break it to the man, that he was about to write down ‘John Doe’ on a nametag and tie it to his ankle, without sounding absolutely insane and/or possibly psychopathic? He feels a sudden urge to take off his apron, not feeling so fond of the embroidered information on it right now. “You were in an accident.”

The man gapes at him, his blue eyes bluer, somehow. “I… was? What happened?”

Geralt takes a tentative step forward. He was trained on how to deliver painful and sensitive information to the bereaved family; he was not, however, trained on how to deliver it to the deceased themselves. 

“The EMTs said it was a truck. You were riding your bike.” 

“Okay…” The man nods to himself, taking the information in. “Why am I not in a hospital, then? I mean— I don’t mean to assume, but this doesn’t really look like the conventional emergency room, or what have you.”

Geralt looks around the dark walls of the basement, cringing internally at the framed You look good — open-casket good sign Eskel got him for Christmas. 

“You’re… This is…” Geralt leans back against the counter, steeling himself for whatever will happen next. “This is a mortuary. My name’s Geralt. I’m… I’m your mortician.”

The man’s eyes are so wide Geralt fears he’ll pop a vein. “A mortician…”

“You died,” Geralt says gently. “When you crashed into the truck. It was a painless death. Instant.”

“And now?”

Geralt grimaces. “And now… you’re alive. Allegedly.”

The man splutters. “Allegedly?!” He hops down from the table, and Geralt manages to catch him before his legs give out. “You mean to tell me I was dead and now, supposedly, I’m alive?”

This close to the man, Geralt can see small green dots in all that sea of blue fury. He shakes his head. “Yes. I’m sorry. I don’t know what to do. This doesn’t happen.”

“You don’t say!” The man sits back up on the table. His bruises are slowly fading away, and his cheeks are bright red, whether from the blood flow or the indignation, Geralt doesn’t know. “So it’s not routine for a legally dead man to come back to life on your table? I wouldn’t have guessed.”

“I’m sorry,” Geralt says, sheepish. “How are you feeling?”

“Oh, aside the whole hey Jask, remember everything you thought you knew about life and death? Well, scrape all that, because it’s bullshit thing? I’m just peachy,” he snaps, glowering at Geralt. “And cold.”

“Of course. Sorry,” Geralt apologizes. “I’ll go get you some clothes.”

“You do that,” the man says as Geralt walks to the door. “And do stop apologizing so much.”

His hand on the door, Geralt looks back at the man. “Sorry.”

-

“So, your name is Jaskier?”

They’re sitting at Geralt’s kitchen table now. After offering the man a pair of Lambert’s sweatpants and a t-shirt, and showing him the guest bathroom, he emerged a new person, his hair curling at the edges and his skin soft-looking.

“It is,” Jaskier says with a shy smile, pulling his knees up to his chest on his chair. Geralt feels an immense urge to wrap him in a hug. The closest thing is pushing a mug of coffee in his direction. “And you’re Geralt.”

“That’s me.”

“And I was dead,” Jaskier says, recounting the incidents. He’s calmed down now. “And now I’m alive.”

“Yeah.”

Geralt wishes he had something more eloquent to say.

“And this has never happened to you before? You’re certain?”

Geralt snorts. “I think I would have realized if any of the people I poked at with needles were alive.” 

“Okay, okay,” Jaskier replies with a smile of his own. “Just checking.”

Now that Jaskier is officially alive, Geralt can allow himself to really look at him. He’s young — maybe in his late twenties — and there’s something about his eyes that just draws him in; something other than the way they’re blue the way the ocean is when it’s about to storm, no, it’s something about the way they move. About the way they look at things, about the way they look at Geralt. Piercing yet unobtrusive, harsh yet soft.

He should really stop watching so many romantic films. 

His brown hair falls into tiny waves, shining in the mid-morning light pouring in through the windows. The hand that’s gripping the mug is dotted with freckles, his fingernails black and chipped. He’s swimming in Geralt’s shirt, an old one from his university days, and there’s something about his small smile that makes Geralt’s heart try to skip a beat.

They sip their coffee in comfortable silence. Geralt offers him an apple, and Jaskier takes it with grace. 

“So, what now?” He asks between bites.

“What do you mean?” Geralt replies.

“Well,” Jaskier says, leaning forward on the table. “I can’t die. For now. I’ll sort out the specifics later. But— what comes next?”

Geralt doesn’t know. “Well, what do you want to do next?”

Jaskier considers it. “I think, after I finish eating this apple, and after I’ve washed my cup and thanked you for your hospitality — ha, hospitality,” he snorts, “I would very much like to ask you for your number.”

Geralt chokes on his coffee. 

“Unless you’re already seeing someone, or you’re not into men,” Jaskier says immediately, “or just not into someone who came into your home as a dead man and came out walking of his own volition. Also because you kind of saw me in my rubber ducks underwear which I love but man I should really think about what I wear under my clothes because you know, my mother was right, you really never do know where your day will go— I would completely understand that. That would make you a very reasonable person, but it’s just that I’m very scared for my life— and my death, I guess, too, fuck— and I would like a friendly face around me. I can tell you I have not had any of those lately— but, just, you know, I understand if—”

“Jaskier,” Geralt says. “I would be honored to be a friendly face.”

Jaskier breathes out slowly. “Thank you.” 

“It’s no problem,” Geralt says, reaching for his hand.

Jaskier twines their fingers together, looking at him with a sweet smile on his lips. It belongs to one of Geralt’s movies, this moment.

But Jaskier breaks it almost immediately.

“Actually, you know, I’m glad you said yes, because you kind of owe me, anyway, because some memories are coming back to me now and I have the distinct recollection of you telling me I looked like my name was Valdo, and boy do I hate—”

tagged: @writingmysanity

#mywriting #mortuary au #geraskier fic #geralt x jaskier #temporary MCD #immortal jaskier #mortician geralt #pls enjoy geralt being a DORK <3 #blood mention #death mention

[julek]

I LOVE the mortician meet cute!! Oh my god Geralt clutching his little hose to his chest. Jaskier being like "ok u cute, but u call me Valdo one more time and it won't be me laying on that table sweetheart". Lambert and Aiden come out for more coffee and are like, "Geralt, y do u have a live person" and Geralt just shrugs, "he was dead when they brought him" and Lambert and Aiden just blink "wat." And Jaskier's slight confusion morphs into utter delight, "yup! I was dead as a doornail, but I got better." Cue shouting. Cue Eskel walking in to Lambert pointing at this nice looking young man in Lambert's clothes and shouting "he's a dead man????" Geralt has a headache. Jaskier is enjoying himself immensely. "Well, no darling, I've never died before. It's not every day I wake up on a pretty motician's table tvm." Geralt is a little mortified (ehehe), and a little flustered. Jaskier thinks he's pretty? Meanwhile Aiden is starting question, "was there a light when you died? Were there any voices??" Eskel decides it'll be an easier day if he walks back out. ("Of course there was a light! I hit the headlight of a truck!!")

anon i fucking love you this is GOLD

i do wanna write a little missing scene where lambert and aiden walk into the kitchen and go huh. kinda looks like the guy the emts brought in earlier and then walk out

and then WAIT A FUCKING MINU—

#i enjoyed this immensely thank you thank you thank you ❤️❤️❤️ #also thank u to everyone who’s commenting and reblogging i feel so very loved <3 #answered #anonymous #mortuary au

[klienerp]

“Stop talking.” Geralt groans. “You are at your best when your say nothing. Let’s keep it that way.” Geralt says and walks to the house at the end of the road. He knocks on the door and the mortician opens it. “I assume you’re here to look at the bodies, Witcher.” - The White Wolf 🐺

Caska’s eyes burn with rage, her lips pucker together and she clenches her fist. ‘I could punch his right in his bulbous nose!’ she thinks and follow into the Mortician’s hut. The old man leads them down to the cold basement, showing them where the bodies lay. Geralt steps forward, beginning to examine the body while Caska peers over his shoulder with curiosity, not feigned by the mutilated corpse. 

#The White Wolf

[klienerp]

Geralt groans and leaves the bakery with Caska is behind him. “The mortician, where is he?” Geralt asks not slowing down his pace. - The White Wolf 🐺

Being a foot shorter, she runs after him, huffing loudly at the effort “just at the end of the street, why? what are we doing?” she asks and takes out the roll she stole from the baker. 

#The White Wolf