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babygirl-riley · 4 months

Note

Hi I have a request so it’s like Simon and his wife arguing pretty badly like to the point where she’s shouting bare at him she’s on the verge of tears and while their arguing their new born cries so the reader goes upstairs to the crying baby once their baby is calm she doesn’t even go back downstairs to talk to him she just like stays in the baby room and goes on her social media to distract her self from Simon.

Hii so I have this written in my notes I always do that so I don’t forgot what I’m gonna ask and I hope this is what u meant tho cause im so slow it acc took me bare long to understand 😭

Quiet Home

You and Simon have been back to back arguments. Before you both could finish this one a loud cry interrupted the fight.

A/N: this is exactly what you asked for 😭 So embarrassing truly 💀 However this really tugged the heartstrings

“I want to be close to you, but I don't know what to do.'Cause if we are near to through, it may make it worse.”

Warnings: baby blues, depression, anger, arguments, fighting, yelling, screaming, baby crying, swearing, soft!simon, husband!simon, happy ending

simon x reader guide

simon x reader family

You were exhausted, you would clean, go get groceries, wake up every hour with the newborn, and everything in between. Usually you had Simon right beside you and help you with the smallest things. However, duty calls. Price promised Simon a couple months leave however, it was an emergency.

When Simon first brought it up, you knew he saw the rolling of the eyes but you brushed it off. Simon brought it up later and you just tried to push it away. Eventually it blew up. Things were said and yelled that weren’t meant to come out. Simon slept in a different room and he was gone for a couple of weeks.

You didn’t answer his calls but text him updates. It was petty but it’s a petty time. You were promised to have your husband here with both your child. Yet you are here almost falling asleep anytime it was early in the morning to feed the baby. You sat outside of the room of your baby as she bailed and bailed, being irritated and tired. Eventually you would go in sure but you were so scared that you would yell at her for being a baby.

After the couple of weeks you tried to brush it under the rug as you made Simon’s favorite dinner. Knowing he would be home. He text you stating that he will be home around 7 o clock and he was excited to see both you and the baby. 7 went to 8, 8 went to 9, 9 went to 10, 10 went to 11, and so on. The food went cold and baby was down. Especially you were tired.

You already put the food away and sat in the living room. You watched the clock before you angrily got up and started the bath. You needed to cool down. You heard the heavy footsteps heading down the hall. You rolled your eyes with the clock read 1 AM.

Simon noticed the light beaming through the room you both shared. Inhaling deeply he stepped in and rounding into the bathroom. You stood with a robe on and touching the warm water.

“S’rry ‘m late.” He said watching your movements.

“Okay.” You said not looking at him.

He frowned and shook his head. “I had a ton of paperwork and didn’t notice the time. Thought I had enough time.”

You didn’t say nothing as you went to the cabinet and pulled out your favorite salts for the bath. Simon watched as you poured them in and went back to put it away. “Y/n please.”

“Please what Simon? You were late. You weren’t here. Shit happens right? Emergencies happen. It’s whatever at this point.” You scoffed as you finally looked at him.

Simon noticed the anger in your eyes. He was upset that he left without resolving the last fight. He was upset that when he called you didn’t want to talk. He was upset he wasn’t home when he was supposed to be and not seeing his babygirl. He also noticed you are tired. Exhausted even. The bags. The purple shade underneath your eyes. “It’s my job you knew that when you signed up for it.”

You laughed and shook your head. “You don’t think I know that? Don’t you dare throw that in my face Simon. We were promised a break for our child yet he drags you back and you are willing to without a second glance.”

“Really? It goes back to me not carin’ about our family huh? That’s what you said before I left. You think I care more about my job than us.”

“Yes! Yes I do! I think that you are stuck in a loop without anyone but you! You are fine with just going instead of being here!” You yelled starting to walk out and brushing passed Simon.

“It’s my job! I have to go! I can’t leave my team behind!” He yelled back following you.

You scoffed as you ripped your robe off, ripping open your drawers. “Right but you can do it to us.” You mumbled pulling out sweats and a t-shirt.

“What’s that supp’se to mean?” He basically growled.

You snapped up and looked at him. “Ever since Millie was born it was like you have been gone. You will help yes but how long did that last before you skipped your happy ass to Price,” You yelled pulling the sweats up as you felt a sting of tears coming. You laughed as you heard nothing from him. “I have been doing this by myself with no help! Nothing Simon!”

“That’s not fair! How many times do I have to say it’s my fuckin’ job…”

“You have a job here!” You screamed as tears started to spill and right before anyone could say anything a wail broke through the air.

You both stood there for a minute before you raked your fingers through your hair. You wiped your eyes angrily. “Damn it,” You pulled your shirt on before walking out, grabbing your phone on the dresser. “I am sleeping in the other room.” You slammed the door shut before walking to the baby’s room.

You opened it as Millie screamed louder. You cried as you walked closer that turns to a sob. You didn’t know what to do. How to do it. You don’t know how to keep her asleep and fed and changed without being upset. You gripped the crib hard as you couldn’t move. You were tired and your baby needs you. “I’m sorry,” You cried as you picked her up and shushed her softly. “I know I know.”

You sat in the rocking chair as you let your baby fed. You scrolled on social media seeing all the happy couples. All what they are doing. All your friends looking like they don’t have problems. You missed Simon, not like he changed, just his touch, he soft voice when he whispers I love you. You missed his laugh when you both would have that marriage banter. You missed his tea.

You are afraid that maybe having a kid was a bad idea. That it ruined or tainted everything. You looked at your baby and inhaled. How could you think like that? What has she done to make you feel that way? It seemed like anytime Simon was around you were angry. Small arguments that turned into this. Your lip trembled and you held your baby closer to your chest. Tears prickling your eyes.

You threw your phone on the ground and sobbed. You were a monster. How could a mother think like that? Why would a wife yell at her husband for doing his job? You kept thinking about all the bad things that happened or been thought of that you didn’t notice that your baby was being scooped up.

When the cold air touched your skin, you opened your eyes panicked. You thought you dropped her as you looked down with tears blinding you before you felt a hand on your cheek. You snapped your eyes to see Simon, holding your baby girl close to his chest as she was asleep. “Baby,” He whispered concerned on his face. He was kneeling as he wiped tears after tears. “Come on let me put her to bed and let’s go talk please.”

“No,” You mumbled as you stood up. “I got her.”

Simon stood up and shook his head. “Please, you look tired.”

“I-I no she needs me.” You whispered but made no move to grab her.

“She has me too,” He said quietly. “Go to the kitchen please.”

You stared for a moment and looked at your baby. How small she was compared to him. How secure she looks when he was holding her. You nodded as you wiped more of the tears away. “Okay.”

Guilt pinged your chest as you glanced once to see him bouncing a bit as he slowly put her down. You walked into the kitchen and sat at the island as quiet tears slipped. You are tired you felt your body relax and felt heavy. “Baby,” You snapped your head up and saw Simon holding a kettle. “Do you want tea?”

You nodded once and looked away. It was quiet as he face the kettle waiting for it to go off. “I’m still mad at you.” You mumbled.

Simon nodded as he turned to lean against the counter. “Why is that?”

You rolled your eyes. “Simon you know why.”

Simon walked up and leaned his elbows on the counter. “Y/n I’m not doin’ it to hurt you two.”

You froze for a moment before looking away. Thoughts of how it could be different with him not having the damn job. However, he was right he wasn’t doing it to hurt you. “I told Price to call someone else but…he needed me for what I know.” You slowly looked at him as Simon looked the other direction. “I fought the old man about it for days. I didn’ say nothin’ cause I knew you would be upset. I didn’t notice that I was pushing you and our princess away. Just-just tried to figure out how to get out of it…I’m sorry.”

Now you felt even more bad. He tried to fight not to go and fought for the two of you. You inhaled but don’t exhaled afraid of sobbing once more. The moment Simon looked at you, you sobbed and hid your face with your hands. “I didn’t-I’m so sorry Simon.”

Simon walked around and shook his head as he turned the chair to gently pull you on for a hug. “Baby I should have said something and not fought it alone.”

You sobbed and sobbed as everything came down. “I’m so tired Si. I am tired of being awake so damn early. I am tired of cooking. I am tired of not being able to do anything. I am tired of fighting with you. I am sorry Simon. I should have been m-more understanding. You don’t deserve me. You don’t deserve to marry such a bitch. I have been so ru…”

He gently pushed you off to grab your wrists to show your face. Simon smiled softly before grabbing your chin with his thumb and finger. “I know. I know. You been overwhelmed with so much. We will figure it out yeah? It’s okay, we are fine. I married you for you even when it’s rocky. It won’t always be perfect.”

You calmed down a bit as you leaned into his touch. “Okay.”

The kettle goes off as Simon kissed your forehead to walk over. You sat still as Simon came around. “I will be here right now, try my best to help you my love.”

You looked up and saw him, his eyes glowing with love. You inhaled and nodded as he pulled you back into his chest. You snuggled in and felt warmth throughout your body. God no one deserves Simon Riley.

#simon ghost riley #simon riley #call of duty modern warfare #simon ‘ghost’ riley #call of duty #call of duty mw2 #simon riley x reader #simon ghost riley x reader #ghost #simon ghost x reader #simon ghost riley x f!reader #simon riley x you #simon ghost riley x female reader #simon ghost riley x wife!reader #simon ghost x you #simon ghost riley fluff #simon ghost riley angst

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dazed--xx · 3 months

Text

⚠️Love Is Gone..⚠️

Summary: I'm sorry, don't leave me, I want you here with me. I know that your love is gone. I can't breathe, I'm so weak, I know this isn't easy. Don't tell me that your love is gone…..That your love is gone

Member: Han Jisung x Reader

T/W: ANGST!!!!!!!!!!!!, hate comments, distant partner, mentions of depression, mentions of anxiety, assault, recording of an assault, hate speech. Cursing, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS, Crying, Feeling alone, happy-ish ending, etc

Word Count: 2.5k

A/N: ❗!!!!!THIS STORY IS TRIGGERING. I USED MY ACTUAL HISTORY WITH DEPRESSION FOR THIS ONE SO THERE IS AN ACCURATE DEPICTION OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS. PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION!!!!!!!❗this is the only authors note I'm making on the playlist please read this. I'm adding this story because a break up is not the only form of heartbreak you could experience. I added the mature tag because of the themes in this. This is an important story for me and this song genuinely inspired this story. No matter what member I used for this song this was going to be the story so any members name could have been used for this one. I felt Jisung fit the story so well though I love this quokka and he deserves an impactful first solo story on my master list. I struggled to not cry while writing this so let's see if you can hold back tears while reading it. After every thing they go through they deserve a happy ending I needed to give them one😭😂 but please comment your thoughts. I love your opinions and I respond to almost everyone. Anyway please enjoy the angsty goodness.

Don't go tonight, Stay here one more time.Remind me what it's like, oh…And let's fall in love one more time, I need you now by my side. It tears me up when you turn me down

“Do you have to go?” you question hesitantly, nibbling on your bottom lip as you watch Jisung put his coat on. “Yes, I already told you that, Y/N” He sighs, almost sounding annoyed. You pout, staring at your interlocked hands. “Yeah, you did sorry…” you trail, trying to maintain your composure at your boyfriend's reluctance to be around you “Don't wait up” He calls as he makes his way out of the door. The moment you hear the ‘click’ of the lock you allow the tears you had been holding back to flow down your cheeks.

For weeks now, Jisung had grown distant; during comeback and award season it was unfortunately a normal part of your relationship. But, you had always been able to maintain a conversation with him if something was bothering you. Except for some reason this comeback season, the first since you and Jisung had announced your 1-year relationship, was different. While, both you and Jisung had expected some backlash, things seemed to be easier for Jisung than they had been for you. You have received many snarky and rude comments about how unfit for Jisung you were.

Your hair is too dry and straw-like.

You are too fat.

You are too unimportant.

You wished to tell your boyfriend as soon as these comments flooded your social media. He had warned you to turn your comments off and avoid social media for a while, but you didn't listen figuring you could deal with a couple of mean comments. However, as time went on you wished you had listened as the comments got worse and worse.

Kill yourself slut

Jisung deserves more than some useless bitch as his girlfriend!!!

She's so disgusting clearly she's a gold digger, I wish someone would just get rid of her!

She is such a cunt, I hope she kills herself soon…

You broke down the first time you had read those comments. You couldn't understand what you had done wrong by falling in love. You first tried to bring it up 2 weeks ago. They had finished filming the music video for their latest single. He had come home; energy high, he radiated from the adrenaline. He froze when he saw you seated on the couch tears streaming down your face. You looked at him startled. “ what's wrong?” He questioned as he rushed over to your side taking your face in his hands. “You're home early…” you mutter the only words that could be released from your mouth in your vulnerable state. Little did you know those three words would trigger and argument and the hate comments were left forgotten. After that day you tried to ask him to talk but he would zoom out of the house and that's when the loneliness set in.

You felt pathetic

You dreaded every morning you opened your eyes. Questioning why you were still here. You slowly realized your level of insignificance. Breathing hurt, a physiological natural event felt wrong. While you know the act of breathing didn't hurt physically, it hurt emotionally. Every morning you lay in bed, not bothering to pull yourself out unless you had to go to the bathroom, or to drink water. Sleep didn't stop most days, Jisung spent most of his days working until well after you'd fallen asleep. You rarely saw him, these days.

If you hadn't run out of feminine products you'd have spent another full day in bed, but as those familiar cramps continue to wreak havoc on your uterus you trudge your way to the store. You were grateful for the large hoodie that helped shade your eyes from the blinding sun as you crossed the street. You continue on your way, you pout to yourself as you see the influx of hate comments while you check to see if Jisung had responded to your inquiry of if he needed anything from the store. Nothing… you sigh to yourself as you pass a group of about 5-6 girls as you make your way into the store.

You hear them murmuring to themselves as you make your way down the aisles. You scan the pads when you feel a dainty finger tap your shoulder. Giving the person a side glance you raise an eyebrow. “Hmm?” you hear a petite soft voice call to you “Um excuse me are you Y/N?” she questions in a sickeningly sweet way. You get a sinking feeling in your gut.

Run…Run as fast as and as far as you can

your conscience screams at you but your feet are glued to the floor as you stare at the girl like a deer in headlights. You struggle to find words as a devious grin grows on the girl's face. Two girls begin to come up behind her, you step to turn the other direction only for two more girls to block your escape as they creep towards you. The girl who approached you first now has her phone pointed in your direction as she begins to question you “Why is someone as dirty as you near Jisung oppa?!” She growls as the girls crowd around you. They shout profanity at you as you stare at the ground, murmuring apologies for your relationship not wanting to insult your boyfriend's fans. The last thing you wanted to do was embarrass him further.

“Look at her! She's so pathetic” the ring leader instigated “She's just standing there like an idiot!” she growls before sending her free hand flying across your face. You feel a sharp sting on your cheeks as you attempt to push past two of the girls. They send you flying roughly against the shelves behind you. You whimper in pain mumbling another apology begging them to let you go as they unleash a flurry of hits and kicks on you. They laughed as they told you how pathetic you are. You tried to protect your face by curling up in a ball. You drowned out their insults, holding in your tears and words until they were finished. They walked away in laughter as you groaned in pain rolling on the ground for a moment. You pull yourself off the ground grab your pads and limp your way to the counter. The cashier stares at you with concern in his eyes, “Ma'am do you need me to call the police?” he questions. A sense of pity and worry settles over him as you shake your head “N-No..I don't want this to be a big thing. I'm okay” you state blankly, putting your money on the counter you grab your pads and rush out of the store. You hold onto your ribs as you limp your way into the alley beside the store.

Pressing your back against the wall you wince at the contact you collapse to the ground. You bury your face in your hands. You sob harshly, your body trembling as you allow the tears to stream down your cheeks. You hiccuped as you pulled your phone from your pocket. You dial Jisung’s number, you waited trying to catch your breathe. One, two, three rings “We’re sorry the number you have dialed—” you end the call holding the phone to your chest you allow your sobs to shake your body. Dark thoughts beginning to take over when your flurry of calls go unanswered.

You're so pathetic, Jisung won't even answer your calls. You're worthless, You're nothing, You just want to die. you should die….Life is too hard. It's over what's the point anymore? The entire world hates you…. I give up…

With final resolve, you open your conversation with Jisung and begin typing.

I'm sorry, I wish I could have said goodbye properly. I love you please remember that. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough. I'm sorry I couldn't be what you deserve. I wish things weren't like this. I'm weak. It's all too hard. I can't handle it anymore. It feels like I'm in open ocean and I'm so close to drowning. I'd can't do this anymore. Please don't blame yourself. None of this is your fault I just wasn't strong enough. I'm just pathetic. I hope you can forgive me one day. I'm so sorry. I love you. Goodbye…

You hit send before turning on Do Not Disturb. You slowly limp toward the park. You felt numb as you stared at the ground, you come upon the walking bridge. You stand in the middle of the bridge, you watch the water. You had heard somewhere that the most calm-looking water was the most dangerous. You pull yourself onto the banister. Taking a deep breath you lean forward.

I'm begging please, just stick around; I'm sorry, don't leave me, I want you here with me I know that your love is gone….

The moment Jisung read your message an uneasy feeling settled over him. He didn't even think before he was dashing out of Chan’s studio and the recording they were currently doing. He called you in a panic; his anxiety growing worse and worse at your failure to answer. He felt his throat closing as he ran in a frenzy out of the JYP building ignoring his member's worried calls of his name. Quickly pulling up the Find My Phone app he sees you at the park nearby. He ran faster than he ever has before getting to the park in no time. He looks around for a moment. He spots you standing on the bridge. He clutches his chest relaxing as he sees you standing there, staring at the water below. He breathes a sigh of relief as Chan and Changbin catch up to him he continues to catch his breath as Chan questions him. All three men are caught off guard as you pull yourself up onto the banister. Jisung's eyes widen as he rushes toward you. “Y/N!!” His voice is pained, your head turns to face him. Chan and Changbin running behind their friend worriedly.

“Baby! Please, stop!” Jisung's voice cracks as he reaches the end of the bridge. Your eyes meet his, Only then can he fully see you. Your eyes were bloodshot, tears streaming down your cheeks. Bruises littered your face. Dried blood speckled all over your hoodie. Your appearance sent Jisung into shock he stared at you wide-eyed “I'm sorry…” you whisper to him as you let go. Jisung's world crumbles as you disappear from his sight. He dashes to where he last saw you. “Y/N!!” He cries his voice hoarse as his legs give out from beneath him. Chan wraps his arm around Jisung and guides him to the floor holding him close he allows the younger man to cry to his heart's content as Changbun assists the paramedics in finding you. He never imagined this would happen. You, the only other person besides Felix, that was the definition of sunshine. Jisung felt numb as Chan held onto him as he replayed his last moment with you in his head.

I'm sorry! don't leave me! I want you here with me! I know that your love is gone….I can't breathe! I'm so weak! I know this isn't easy! Don't tell me that your love is gone…

When the video of your assault surfaced the day after your attempt; Jisung felt sick to his stomach. He hates himself for not being there with you. After watching the video over and over, he finally decided to check your phone. When he was able to charge the device Jisung could feel a wave of nausea crash over him as an influx of disgusting hate messages and comments came through. He stared at your unconscious figure, he held your hand tightly as he cried “I'm so sorry baby. I'm sorry… I didn't know. I'm sorry I was too late.” he pressed his forehead to your hand “Please…please wake up. I'll do anything. Please don't let go, I know you feel alone, but you have me. Please don't leave me behind, without you I'm nothing…” his breathing grows heavier, tears cascading down his face. “I love you so much. I need you—I need you, baby, I can't keep doing this. I need you so much right now. Please wake up….Don't let me lose you, not like this. I'll fix everything…I'll show you how much you mean to me, please!” He exclaims he can't handle the expressionless look on your face. He was grateful you were no longer pale though.

It took three more weeks before you opened your eyes. your head pounded as Jisung muttered something under his breath. “W-what?” you choked out, your voice sounding coarse and scratchy. Jisung's eyes widen as he stares at you at the sound of your voice. He collapsed to the floor as tears built in his eyes, he sobbed harshly “T-Thank you! You're awake! You're okay!” his body trembled as he reached for your hand. You stare at him your face void of any emotion as he cried you pulled your hand away from his as if his contact burned you.

You saw his expression fall as he shook his head in denial “N-No..” He states in disbelief as he meets your eyes. “P-Please I—Where were you?…” you cut him off with heartbreak and disappointment in your tone. Jisung whimpers at your question. “I'm sorry, I-I should have—I didn't realize, okay? I'm so sorry, please don't pull away from me..” he stammers his apology causing your heart to clench. “I don’t want to see you right now…” you whisper. You hear the most heartbreaking sob erupts from Jisung’s chest. “No, please! I should have been there for you. I should have done more but I can't lose you When you jumped I felt like my entire world was falling apart. You were so close—I was right there. I should have answered your calls. I should have noticed something was wrong. I'm sorry okay? I'm so sorry. There's nothing I could be more sorry about but please I can't—I can't lose you. I don't want to be without you please let me fix this..” he begs his eyes not leaving yours once.

“Jisung…”

“Please. I'm sorry okay? I'll say it forever if I have to. Please I want you right here, next to me, always. I know it's hard but we love each other. I can make you love me again. Please….please don't hate me. I know I messed up but please don't break me too…I can't handle the thought of losing you let alone it actually happening. Please stay with me?” he pleads his eyes filled with hope as he holds onto your hand. “I'll never let you feel alone again I promise. You'll always have me. I'll give you the world if you ask for it. I'll spend the rest of my life making up for this please let me…” He begs, his voice cracking between sniffles. You stare at him, your heart yearning for him. You feel your resolve crumbling as he continues to cry. You caress his cheek, staring into his eyes. He looks at you hopefully, melting into your touch. “Please just, Don't tell me that your love is gone…i wouldn't be able to handle that.” he whimpers. You give him a sad smile, caressing his cheek. You lean in pressing your lips against his softly.

⏪|⏸️|⏩

Taglist: @yangbbokari @havenwithleeknow

#stray kids jisung angst #skz angst #stray kids angst #jisung trigger warning angst #skz jisung angst #stray kids jisung fluff #jisung angst #han angst #han jisung angst #han jisung fluff #skz imagines #skz scenarios #skz x reader #skz jisung x reader #jisung x reader #skz jisung x reader angst #jisung x reader angst

104 notes · View notes

starillusion13 · 3 months

Text

Thank You…

Pairing: Taeyong x f!reader

Genre: Idol au, slice of life, strangers

W.C: 3.7k

Warnings: none (but a bit emotional and talking to a stranger at night alone and also having self doubts)

Networks: @cultofdionysusnet @k-vanity

Guys my first ever Taeyong fic…I’m gonna cry😭

Note: please I want to thanks to people for reading and reblogging. Reviews are always appreciated . Applause to the ones who come up to me to interact and they know how friendly I am. Okay enough!

"Are you waiting for me...again?" your soft voice broke his trance and he turned towards you. His screen was on full brightness and he squinted his eyes to take a proper look of yours. He switched his phone off and nodded to your direction. You softly smiled at him and with slow steps, you walked towards the bench he was sitting on.

It's pretty usual for you to find him sitting on the bench and scrolling through his phone almost every day. Not every-day. It was not the same before three months.

One day when you were going back home from your work, you were depressed and also a bit sad and you sat on the bench to feel the cool breeze. Sometimes, spending time alone by the river and letting your thoughts out with a sigh and inhaling the peaceful aroma from the surrounding is a blessing. You often went to this place whenever you felt stressed.

But that day it was different. You found something, rather you met someone for whom you felt the urge to go there everyday and to your surprise that someone would always be there waiting for you.

Three months back. It started back then. You still remembered his glistening eyes staring at you and his broken voice. He was crying. Tears were flowing down his eyes and his hands were gripping his denim tightly. He was talking to you. His words were directed to you. He was lost. He was hated. He was broken. He was alone. Except his eyes. Nothing more was visible. He was wearing a black mask and a black cap. You didn't know why he was wearing all those for hiding his face but still who were you to ask him that.

Why were you even concern?

"Take this." You extended your hand offering your handkerchief towards him. He stared at it for too long and his gaze moved up to your face. You smiled acknowledging his attention.

It was your preferrable bench and usually you didn't find anyone before in that place and with the thought of having a company that day seemed a perfect idea. But when you got the closer look, it was not the way you thought. It was pretty much more than that.

Taking the handkerchief from your hand, he clutched it tightly in his hold. You followed his movement and heaved a sigh before putting up a little smile and turned towards him, shifting a bit closer to him but maintaining a decent distance. You suddenly didn't want to creep him out.

"You can wipe your tears or do anything with it. You can take it with you. Its not containing chloroform though so don't be scared. Its pretty new and the sweet mint smell is because of a spray bottle in my bag. I gave that to you so that other people wont notice you crying while going back home." You wanted to cheer him up and rambled everything to not make you seems like a crazy person but you were doing worse for yourself.

You gulped when noticing his lost eyes staring at you and you pressed your lips into thin line and raised your brows.

"I'm sorry..." "Thank you."

You both said at the same time. You laughed off the awkwardness and he chuckled too. Your eyes went wide and you stopped laughing.

"Did you just laugh? Did I make you smile? Wait did you said some words like in my language?" you were on it again with your questions bombarding on him.

"Which answer do you want first?" he asked you softly. His voice was broken and rough. The voice was having a glint of familiarity but you thought that many people can have same voice.

You pout and pressed your back to the seat and leaned back to look up at the sky. You took deep breathes. He was watching your every moment as if he saw a human being for the first time. His eyes trailed down from your short hairs waving to the breeze then to your exhausted face and down to you clutching your bag tightly to yourself. He noticed a particular keychain, rather a bundle of keyrings. The view of familiar objects tugged at his heart.

"Are you tired?" he asked you.

You silently nodded and remained in the same posture, just moving your head to face him, "yeah...I am but am willingly to hear you. Really. I'm serious. You can say me anything. I mean no harm."

He nodded and mimicked your posture. You smiled at him for being comfortable with you.

"Do you come here often?" he asked you again and faced you but you were already staring at the stars. His gaze was fixed on you.

"No. maybe not often but usually whenever I feel for a refreshment or like to spend time alone, I come here to think about everything and sink into my thoughts to dive back to a life with no stress." You weakly smiled and a frown appeared on your face and you faced him. You were shocked that he was already facing you but still you raised your voice, "hey, you are asking me questions and am answering them all but you didn't reply any of my earlier questions."

He laughed. It was not just a chuckle but a genuine laugh. Your heart felt light seeing him laughing as if a wave of familiarity passing you again. As if this laugh makes you happy somewhere but you cant set it in place. Where? The only way of knowing his emotions were through his eyes and voice. He had boba eyes and those were shining so much under the moonlight as if all those stars were just locked inside his watery gaze which were on you.

"I was teaching you how to ask questions to someone."

He paused and waited for your response. You sat back up and glared at him and he got up too, facing you.

"Don't tease me like that. I was just trying to make you comfortable with me so that you could feel a bit better from whatever you were hurt......but I think I made fun of myself."

He patted your head, "hey it's okay. I was just joking. Its funny though. You are sulky like Doy- my best friend."

You laughed with him.

He continued, "I can laugh because I have emotions. I can smile too but just you cant see me now. I can feel every emotion because I have a heart to feel it. Just some people are ignorant that I am a human too. They point out my mistakes. I appreciate it. They love me. I love them back. I do everything for others but in the end, they just turn their back to me for a misunderstanding. I hope I'm speaking in your language because I'm not an alien." He sadly chuckled. A tear fell from his eyes. He wiped it off with your hanky.

You stared at him. What happened? Who are these people he is talking about?

"to the last I give them everything. Even if I'm tired and feeling to give up but still I want to do everything to see others happy. Just to see them. To see us. Happy. Am I really bad?" he asked the last question softly and stared straight into your eyes.

The question felt like directly pointing towards you. As if he wanted you to answer it. He was eager to listen to you but you just gulped. You didn't know who were the people he was talking about, why he was sad and what he was even talking about. Overall, you knew he was broken and hurt.

"no one is really bad." You licked your lips before continuing, "do you think I'm perfect. No. we can't be perfect in every way. Its natural for some people to love us and some to hate us and we should always focus on the good part. Look out for the people who are still good to you and trying to know the actual reason without misunderstanding you. If you only focus on the shining part, every other thing will eventually blur out."

"that's how you keep up with your life?"

"maybe. Actually I try to keep up like that. I try every day. Sometimes its really hard to live when you don't have any good reason to be motivated and only getting hurt by some worst reality. But thanks to some people who are cheering me up every day from afar without even knowing me. They never hurt me but heal me. whenever they get hurt. I feel sad. Oh yeah wait you should follow them."

" them? Who? They are really good people then." He smiled in the end.

You hurriedly searched for your phone inside your bag, your keyrings dangling and he was gazing at the familiar things again. He was both scared and happy to see it. He was unsure about his feeling because of you.

You typed something in your phone and your face was lit up to the light from your screen. You were so focused and excited to show him some people. He was curious to know who were the people you were excited about. he was glad that you had some people to make you feel happy.

"look...they are the best.." you scooted closer towards him. You didn't mind that his fingers were almost touching your thighs. It was nothing disrespectful and you were wearing a jeans similar to him and you were all focused on your screen than minding your surroundings, "This is NCT. My favorite boy group."

Three familiar letters visible to his eyes. N.C.T. so you were talking about them. He would have told you about his members in a similar way. They are really best. He thought that inside his mind and smiled to himself. His members are really best. They are his family. But is he good enough to fit with them? This thought lingering in his mind.

"so like they have so many members. Its pretty hard to understand them when you are new but gradually you will understand them and their different units. You will definitely love them. You know life is pretty harsh to us. We are hated and get hurt by others even when we ourselves don't know what we did wrong. But still we can be happy." You held his hand. "please don't hurt yourself thinking about them. Please be happy. Think of the people who love you. Who want to see you happy?"

"do you love NCT? Do you love them?" his sudden question made you blink twice.

"yeah. I love them a lot. They are my safe place after a stressful day. You will find a different world when you are with them. You will feel as if you have a family who loves you from a distance. Their smile, their laugh, their jokes, their voice, their moves, and everything is filled with a bond of love. A love of friendship. I really don't have friends who love them but a few online friends though." You stated but still deep in thoughts when you looked at your screen and scrolled down.

"Tell me..." you looked back at him when he asked you, "tell me about this NCT. I want to know about them."

"you can search it up on google NCT which is Neo Culture Technology. Wait I'm giving you some youtube link."

He held your hand, halting your movement, "no I want to hear it from you. I want to hear your perspective. I can search their group details and all from the internet but I can never search for your point of view."

"what do you want to hear?"

"everything. From the beginning."

You nodded and again leaned back but now he was still sitting facing you. He watched how you kept your bag between you and him and sighed, "I was in high-school when I found them. They were rookies back then and literal children like me, even though some are of my age. I wasn't a person of outgoing and party lover so basically I used to spend my time alone in my room and one day I found out a video on them. I reluctantly opened it and started watching it. Out of curiosity, I dig in the video and watched all the related and recommended videos. I searched about them everywhere. I felt as if I found a new family. I noticed that I always felt happy whenever I was with them, of course through a screen. I found a family and him. He made me love myself. He taught me how to be hard-working and be good to others. 'Never give up on your dreams. You can make it happen.' He guided me when I had no one. I am too much related to them."

"who is he? Member of NCT?" he asked you and adjusted his cap.

You nodded, "yes. My favorite person."

"What's his name? tell me about him?"

You chuckled, "if you were a fan of kpop and asked me this then I would have feel weird and thought you were asking me about my bias to make him your own bias. Hey, I'm just kidding. Well his name is Lee Taeyong. He is the leader of NCT. He was the reason I got invested into this group so much. He caught my eyes first because somewhere I felt his story of struggles personally. I saw how he fights his inner battles just to prove others that he is good. Sometimes it feels like he wants to prove it to himself more. I don't know him personally but I know his life is much more difficult behind those screens. But I want him to be happy like the way he makes me smile."

Lee Taeyong. The moment his name came out of your mouth. He was shocked. Previously he was shocked already for many reasons. Your Czennie keyrings, your favorite group is NCT and then he is your bias. And you described him in such a loving way. The way he never thought of himself to see. He often heard things like this from his members who are apparently his best-friends. But he never heard anything like this from other anyone in person. The person who is his fan.

"do you think he is a good person? What if he is bad and people starts hating on him? Will you hate him too?" he asked you in an unsure tone but you smiled back to him.

"As I said earlier. No one is totally perfect. Neither you nor myself is good. But we try to improve ourselves and probably he is fighting too. He is a human too like us. He is not a toy who needs to be perfect for us to love them. Their truths and different emotions and sides made me fall in love with them. I don't care what others think about him. But I will believe him till the day I find an actual reason to hate him. I will love him. I love him a lot." You smiled brightly.

You were smiling thinking of Taeyong. But the man sitting in front of you had tears in his eyes but there was a proud and thankful smile hiding behind the mask.

"you are pretty like your soul." His hand caressed your cheeks. You got startled with the sudden touch and he noticed it and quickly apologized.

"I meant that people who know how to love others are really pretty like you. I'm sure he loves you too. He deserves fans like you. He needs fans like you." His words were dipped in hurt. He was telling as if he needs you. You softly smiled.

“Well I’m just a czennie or also you can say a NCTzen from Neocity. I’m happy in this delulu world.”

“What’s delulu?” He was confused.

“You haven’t heard the world delulu? There is a famous phrase ‘Delulu is the solulu’ means delusion is the solution. I just like to be happy in my delusions apart from this reality sometimes.”

“Don’t you want him to love you back the same way you love him? Don’t you want to feel him in your reality other than being delusional?”

You unlocked your screen and stared at the lockscreen and he noticed that it was his picture with a bright smile on his face hiding all the pain behind it and feeling loved by all the fans which was brightly glowing in your phone. In your heart.

“I love him. I really love him but…” you smiled at the picture, “but he is for his fans to love him…even if I want to keep him to myself.”

You looked up to his eyes.

Your words directly hit his heart. He felt like he needed you all these times. You were like an angel who was sent to point out the good in everything. But as you said he was not yours in the first place. There are many others like you who are loving him and being motivated by him. He is their inspiration for life.

He is for his fans to love him.

He got a call from his manager and then you both parted your ways. He fished the hanky in his pocked and walked away with waving you goodbye.

And like that everyday you would see him sitting there waiting for you and gradually you became friends in few weeks and still you don’t know his face.

“It’s not fair how you get to see me and know my face but I don’t know anything about you.”

“It’s better for you to not know my face. And also we don’t know one thing about each other so let it be like this.”

“What?”

“We don’t know each other’s names.”

“Do you want to know?”

He shook his head, “no. Let’s keep it like this…it’s better.”

This became a daily routine of yours and today it was similar to find him at the exact same spot. He always waits there at the bench when you return from your work.

“Yeah I was waiting for you but then I thought you won’t be coming today and I was sad.”

He stood up and patted your head.

You were surprised to see him being like that but still put on a smile.

“Why were you sad? Because you won’t have someone to talk to? Well I am here now…”

He nodded, “I am sad but all these days I was happy because of you. I loved talking to you. But…we won’t be meeting again…I was here to spend few months holidays in my free time from stressful worklife but I had my best days because of you.”

Oh. So he is leaving.

“You are leaving……”

“Even if I’m leaving we will keep this memory forever with us. Our life is private to each other but we have a common secret. The secret of us in these 3 months.”

He extended his hand revealing a green coloured hanky. You creased your brows and stared at it.

“Why?”

“I heard that czennies love green colour so that’s a friendship gift for you like you gave me on our first day. I have kept it with me. The red colour was cute. And this is for you.”

You took it and today you were crying. You were crying because you felt someone ripping your heart apart or like he was leaving a blank space in your puzzle.

You noticed tiny stitches in a corner of the hanky. Three letters written in black L.T.Y. And below it with a small hyphen again three letters N.C.T.

L.T.Y.

- N.C.T.

“L.T.Y. Huh?”

“Love Thank You…” he pronounced each word with a space. His voice was like usual, a bit clogged due to the mask and sometimes it’s difficult to understand his words.

“Love?”

“You are filleded with love and purity. You are a love in person.”

Oh. Silly you.

“For a second I thought it’s Lee Taeyong.”

He followed your laugh. But then he told you to look up at the sky. You did as he told you.

“ if you feel like to talk to me ever again. I’m going to listen to you through those stars. I will talk to you like that too.”

You nodded and a tear dropped from your eyes like a shooting star of losing hope to see him again.

“Will I ever get to see you again?” You asked him in a broken voice.

You have never seen his face and also don’t know anything about him but still you got attached to him too much. Can’t you keep in touch with him?

“Don’t know but it’s better not. It will be better if I just remain as a part of your memory not your reality or present.”

Not your reality or present.

You nodded again.

Like everyday he got a call again after which he leaves in hurry. It was same for today as well but today’s farewell was meant forever. Before he could turn around after saying goodbye.

You hugged him.

It was a quick hug and you quickly retreated yourself and looked down after taking few steps back. He stepped forward and patting your head, he nodded.

“I’m sorry… but I felt like to hug you and I want to say Thank you before our last goodbye. I hope you didn’t cry again. You are perfect in your own way. People love you and I know you are a person to be loved.”

You love him too. It might can sound weird but it’s okay because as a friend you love him a lot.

“It’s okay I can understand. And….thank you to you too. and please keep loving him. Taeyong needs you to love him.”

Waving your hands to each other. He ran to the opposite direction to your home. You watched his retreating figure until the far your eyes could see him because you knew beyond that you won’t be seeing him again.

Thank you…

he was thankful to meet his fan.

After that whenever you crossed that place, you glanced for once in the direction with a losing hope and found it empty. You sadly smiled at it and looked up to the stars.

“I hope you are happy living your life somewhere…”

“Thank you, czennie.”

Taglist: @mymoodwriting @justhere4kpop @anyamaris @yeoobin @icchyi @jwnghyuns @piratequeen-queenofgames @dinonuguaegi @oreharuuu @hwanring @sanwifesstuff @kiwiisnthereoops @kiwiraccoon @hyuukah @kazscara @aceofspadesbiofalltrades [open!]

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charlotlie · 1 year

Text

i’m procrastinating studying for my finals & ive been on marauders & aftg tiktok for too long so here it is: my take on the aftg characters as taylor swift songs

- neil: you’re on your own kid (the neil josten anthem, especially the bridge), getaway car (I SWEAR IM NOT TRYING TO BE FUNNY), snow on the beach (tbh i always see this as an andreil song, but it’s just like: neil had never expected to fall for andrew or even trust him in the beginning, so the fact that they’re even falling? fucking weird. also, the line, “you wanting me, tonight, feels impossible” like the idea of someone wanting to touch him without wanting to hurt him ahshajsgs)

- andrew: daylight (just listen), anti-hero (this could very well apply to all the foxes, but the line, “i wake up screaming from dreaming // one day i’ll watch as you’re leaving // cause you got tired of my scheming” seems to be his perspective on nearly all of his relationships), evermore (for me, this song is largely about depression and, tbh, i’ve been reading too many andrew character studies lately, and “that this pain would be for evermore” hurts SO bad when you’re thinking about him. then the song develops, and ends with, maybe this pain isn’t forever. im gonna write a fic on this i swear.)

- aaron: delicate (“my reputation’s never been worse so, you must like me for me” him & katelyn after the whole drake incident im crying so hard😭😭)

- nicky: paper rings (him & erik 🤭, like they are the cute love songs in my head)

- dan: the man, gorgeous (so like,,, dan didn’t like matt at first, right? was annoyed at him a lot, didn’t think he was all that — so she was also very annoyed when she started noticing him and liking him and kinda being attracted to him so i just imagine this song as dan’s drunken confession to matt about how frustrated she is with him and matt’s just smiling at her and it makes her even more frustrated bcs how is he so pretty), sweet nothing

- matt: lover (“and at every table.. i’ll save you a seat, loveeeeer” asfgsgsgs), king of my heart (“and we rule the kingdom inside my room” —> i so imagine dan and matt having the stupidest fun with each other and that feels like listening to this song, like you’re not really part of the inside joke. also, dan is definitely the queen of matt’s heart :))

- allison: the last great american dynasty (she had a marvellous time ruining everything), i know places (headcanon: after renee confesses to her, they slip away for a weekend to just be with the two of them to hide themselves away from everyone else for now), i wish you would (about seth, in this case.)

- renee: new romantics (she could build a castle from all the bricks they threw at her), peace (about how the danger lives in her, how she can never truly bring peace because she doesn’t feel like she can, but still “would it be enough, if i could never give you peace?” she hopes to be enough and tries to make up for her past by caring 4 others ajahhshshs i love her sm), dress (“i don’t want you like a best friend” her confession to allison please 😫)

- kevin: right where you left me (kevin day, the epitome of the freeze ptsd response, always stuck where he in where he was), the great war (“there’s no morning glory, it was war, it wasn’t fair” makes me think of him and jean after riko died)

- jean: epiphany (listen to this while thinking of him istg im crying), exile (“you’re not my hometown anymore, so what am i defending?” about kevin😭), gold rush (jerejean conflict so good, i need new fics)

#andreil #jerejean #aftg #all for the game #andrew minyard #neil josten #aaron minyard #nicky hemmick #kevin day #aftg shitpost #dan wilds #renee walker #allison reynolds #renison #matt boyd #jean moreau #seth gordon #aftg foxes #aftg headcanon

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adonis-koo · 2 months

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Oh my godd misssy😢 I'm so sorry you've been feeling this way!

Honestly, i was slightly shy to really send in any asks or comments cause, WTF💖?!? I'd be gushing and squealing with puppy like excitement in every of them!

I've RE-read your works over and over again, dear! The way you can string together words and set up these detailed scenarios is just to die for! Not to mention, the intricacy of the fucking plot!! It's rare that I see someone so dedicated to the plot just as they are usually to the romance! Take Tease!au, or wicked!au for example. You've created the PERFECT balance between bitter and sweet in every one of your fics!

And even when it comes to the daddy!jk masterlist of yours, it's a 100% romance😍 and it's never boring.

If I'm being honest, i think what i like most about your writing is the angst. You leave us hanging on, waiting for more in the most artistic way possible. You make me want angst as well! You've always been able to play around with words such that i feel that fucking pang in in my chest.

Also.. i think i may have told you this.. but, my fucking boyfriend liked your stuff. He caught me scrolling through tumblr 😂😂 and he fell flat. Had half a mind to make an account of his own! So it's not just a gender oriented fan base you have.

I'm sorry I've ranted so much, lol. But, I couldn't bare to see such a beautiful and talented writer lose her spirits like this. You might say it's not much, but, i say that there should be absolutely zero depletion in that cheerful spirit.

Please, missy. Don't lose hope. There really are hundreds of thousands of people that enjoy your works. Maybe they've just not been able to work uo the courage to interact as of yet. No matter the case, please.. Don't lose your spirit. You're very very well loved, dear. You have a knack for writing, and it's a very admirable trait. Keep at it!

~ Lily ♡

Lily you got me over here trying not to sniffle and cry 😭😭😭 I’m trying really hard to pull myself out of this slump and it’s not going very well!! It’s far from the first time I’ve had feelings like this so I’ve adjusting to coping but it’s still an awful thing.

And once again, complaining and crying hasn’t really done anything, in fact I feel like it’s just made me feel even worse because again, I don’t want it come across that I don’t appreciate the ones who do support me, I love each and every single one of you!!! (your boyfriend is a bonus LOL but saying I love him would be a little too weird, still very cool that a man enjoyed my writing though and it’s not just gender exclusive🫶)

I’ve loved every moment of writing both Tease and Wicked, that’s something I cannot stress enough., but I was fresh 18 when I first started Tease, I didn’t have nearly the responsibility and stress of life that I have now getting ready to be 24, I look back and reminisce that I was actually able to pump out 10-20k every two weeks so diligently! And it makes me so depressed knowing I can no longer do that.

Not to mention that while it has been rewarding, it has become so much more taxing to my mental health to keep trying, for my own personal enjoyment it has been absolutely rewarding but the demand that people have had over the years has really stressed me out, balancing all of this is such a tricky thing! And at one point I thought it would get easier to balance, but if it does, I haven’t made it yet 😭

You and so many others give me so much encouragement, I just feel so strangely disconnected from my writing and this blog lately and I hope it doesn’t last forever 🥺 thank you so much for taking the time to send such encouraging words my way Lily I will always appreciate you my dear!!! 😭❤️

#missy answers #h-g-bts #you are an absolute angel Lily 😭❤️❤️❤️

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jahayla-parker · 2 years

Note

Hey I’ve had a horrible day feel like it’ll be like that for a while. And your work makes me feel so much better. Was wondering if you could do tom holland helping female reader who’s feeling very depressed and is lonely?? And he’s just there for her?? Please have a nice day.

Hi deary, I’m so sorry for just seeing this, it got tangled in the celebration requests.

I’m sorry you’re not feeling so great, I’ve been there. I strongly advise making sure you have someone to talk to even if you don’t feel like it, maybe a counselor, friend, the hotline, etc.

I’m honored my writing helps 💜😭

“It’s Okay Not to Be Okay” Tom Holland x Reader (Fic + Text SMAUs)

Summary: Tom’s girlfriend seems to be under the weather but he soon learns there’s more to it than that. Tom learns about her condition and does everything he can to be there for her as she fights against her emotions.

Lots of fluff and compassion

Warnings: depression (no su!cide discussed), strong emotions, and feelings of loneliness discussed

Note: this is NOT too romanticize depression or mental illness. I only felt comfortable writing this because I too have been diagnosed with depression.

Important: If you’re dealing with this, know you’re not alone, not a burden, are worthy of love and support, and there are options to feel better. 💜

Please do not read if you’re not in a place to do so 💜

Y/N's Phone:

She felt bad for not being straightforward with Tom and for saying she was going to rest.

It was true, but she was not 100% clear on the definition/context.

She was ‘resting’ but not sleeping as she knew he envisioned.

Instead, she knew she’d be spending the rest of her day lounging in the couch by herself.

She’d been through this before, but most of the time she was fortunate enough to have the boys around.

Whenever her depression would flare up, the boys always assumed her attitude and behavior were a result from having slept poorly.

She felt telling them the truth would be too much of a burden, especially for Tom.

She loved Tom and knew he loved her, but he had to travel often for work.

And she knew he would worry terribly if he found out. So instead, she elected to fight it in silence.

However, now that y/n and Tom had moved into their own home, the chaos of the boys was not there to distract her.

Instead, she was left alone with only her mind to keep her company. And boy was it bad company.

Depression wasn’t something new to her but that didn’t make it any easier.

In fact, it made it worse.

She knew it would be something she’d have to face again so trying to “stay positive” during an episode was not an option.

She also knew what coping mechanisms were healthy and would help and which wouldn’t.

While one would assume this would make it easier on her, it didn’t.

Instead, her depression made it so she couldn’t compel herself to do the healthy coping mechanisms she knew she should be doing.

This only made her more frustrated with herself and her situation.

It was a vicious cycle she was in.

And this time she was truly more alone than she’d been before which only increased the loneliness that accompanied her depression.

Today was a particularly rough day. This depressive episode as her counselor called it, had started about a week ago.

During that time, she’d done very little around the house.

Her job permitted her to work from home back when COVID first began and she had remained doing so ever since.

This meant she didn’t have to get dressed, do her makeup, or even leave her house for work.

Instead, she would seat herself on the bed or couch with her laptop and work from a slumped position.

Those were the good days in this depressive episode.

Some days she couldn’t even get herself to do that and had called in to work.

She felt pathetic and knew her behaviors were causing an increase in her misery but couldn’t get herself to stop.

———

So there she was again today, wearing a shirt of Tom’s and a pair of shorts.

Both of which were in much need of being washed.

As was her hair and body.

To be fair, the bedroom and living room weren’t much better.

The dishes from the few meals she managed to eat this past week were scattered and stacked in various places in the two rooms she occupied, having been unable to make it back to the kitchen with them.

Much less to clean and put them away.

She knew she’d have to do it at some point.

After all, she couldn’t have Tom seeing the house like this.

She was certain he would be understandably mad and she wouldn’t fault him for wanting her to move out of their shared place for causing such a mess.

So at some point between now and his return, she’d have to compose herself and clean.

But today was not that point.

Today was just another day in this episode.

She’d had long lasting episodes/flare ups in the past, but none this particularly rough.

No matter what she tried to do to help herself, her chemistry fought her.

For example, she had been talking to Tom over FaceTime on a daily basis as she always did when he was at work.

However, when her depression hit, she began to isolate as much as she could without concerning him.

Today it clearly got to the point of concern for him and even then she refused to allow herself to come clean and instead just let him believe she was sick.

To make it worse, she lead him to believe she was sleeping so that she wouldn’t feel guilty if she didn’t respond to him today.

Needing a distraction from herself, y/n turned the tv on and curled into a fetal position.

Netflix immediately brought her back to her last binge session when then screen turned on.

Sighing to herself, she pressed play and let herself dissociate through the tv in front of her as reruns played.

Tom's Phone:

Y/n heard a faint knock at her door but didn’t leave her position on the couch.

In fact, she didn’t even bother turning to look at the noise.

She felt as if she were watching herself from outside of her own body, the external view of her willing herself to get up and check who it was but her internal version remaining planted on the couch.

The only change was her mind began to think that it could be someone dangerous or trying to make sure no one was home before breaking in.

Despite this fear, she did not move off the couch but instead curled in towards herself more.

At this point, she wasn’t certain if she’d even want to attempt to fight them away.

She felt emotionally numb to her surroundings and it was an uncomfortable break from her normal turmoil.

Sure she despised her depression symptoms and the lack of concern for herself that came with it.

However, this was much different as she noticed she couldn’t feel any emotions.

There were no longer waves of anxiety over thoughts of someone seeing her mess.

There were no longer feelings of guilt and self blame over how she handled things.

There was nothing.

She wasn’t sure if this was worse or better.

———

Nikki quietly unlocked the door, having not heard a response and assuming y/n was asleep.

As she entered the house, she instantly noticed how dark it was.

All the curtains had been drawn shut, the lights turned off, and only the smallest glow was coming from the living room.

Hearing muffled voices as she neared the dim living room, Nikki realized the tv was on.

Apart from that, like the rest of the house, there were no lights on.

Squinting her eyes to see better in the harsh darkness, Nikki looked around and saw tissues all over the floor.

She frowned to herself as she thought of how sick y/n must be.

There were various items scattered around as well, as if y/n had tried to do things like read but didn’t.

Sighing, Nikki turned the light on so she could see what she was working with.

Her plan was to take in the situation, then find y/n and once she knew y/n was either asleep or otherwise okay, she would clean up the mess.

However, as she turned on the lamp, she saw y/n was in a hall on the couch.

What concerned Nikki was that she wasn’t even asleep.

When the realization that the lights came on hit y/n, she slowly lifted her head to look around.

Nikki let out a gust of air as her chest caved upon seeing y/n’s state and coming to the conclusion the girl was not sick with some illness.

Nikki had seen this before, just not with y/n.

She had never seen y/n move so slowly in the whole time she’d known her.

Nikki composed herself and sat down next to y/n on the couch, resting her hand on her calf.

“You’re not sick are you?” She whispers, knowing it was unlikely y/n had heard many noises and sudden changes in that could cause her more anxiety than she probably already had felt at someone seeing this.

It took y/n a bit to process what Nikki said, but she waited patiently until y/n shook her head no.

“Not physically, no” she said, her voice weak.

Nikki nods sympathetically.

Y/N’s brain told her she should feel ashamed for her boyfriend’s mom to be seeing her like this but she couldn’t feel the shame she expected.

As she noticed her mess around her and the lack of shame despite it, she wanted to cry but nothing came.

So she just stared at the wall behind the tv as if somehow waiting long enough would allow her to return to her emotions.

“Are you okay?” Nikki asks softly, watching y/n closely

“I… don’t know. I don’t really feel anything right now” she says, her voice drained off all emotion as well.

“You’re numb?” Nikki asks, the pressure of her hand on y/n’s leg increasing slightly without meaning to.

“I think so. I know I should be embarrassed and I want to be but I can’t… think. I know that doesn’t make sense…” she mumbles.

“It does. You don’t need to be embarrassed that you’re depressed” Nikki sighs.

“H-how did you know?” Y/n asks, finally turning to Nikki.

“Because… You’re not the first one I’ve found like this dear. We’ll get you through this, okay?” Nikki encourages, not wanting to reveal too much.

Y/n forces a shaky smile, wanting to feel grateful and to express that emotion but being unable.

Nikki gives her a sympathetic smile and stands up.

“I’m assuming it’s been awhile since you last showered. Let’s get that taken care of first, and while you’re doing that, I’ll tidy up” Nikki suggests, holding her hand out for y/n.

A tiny slimmer of emotion forms in y/n as her brain floods with guilt.

It was then that she realized she wanted to have her emotions back, even if it meant fully feeling her depression.

It would at least mean she would be more in tune with herself and her brain and body would have a minor connection again instead of the current void.

She sighs, “it is my mess, but thank you.”

Before Nikki can respond, y/n continues, “I know I’m in a… funk… but I’ll get it together. You don’t have to be here and deal with this”.

Nikki shakes her head, holding her hand towards y/n more firmly, “nonsense, we're family. We don't turn our backs on each other. "

Not feeling up to resisting, y/n agrees and follows Nikki to the restroom.

———

Nikki silently combs through y/N’s matted hair when she exits the shower.

“Nikki, who else did you realize had depression?” Y/n asks suddenly.

“I haven’t asked them to share so I won’t be specific, but one of my boys” she admits, detangling a string of knots.

“Oh my gosh, it’s not Tom is it? I swear I thought I would’ve known but maybe-“ y/n rambles, her guilt and anxiety returning.

It’s an uncomfortable emotional state, but at least she can feel it.

“No dear, it’s not Tom. The reason I mention it is so you know you’re not alone. It’s not easy to deal with but having a support system will really help “ Nikki smiles, watching as y/n processed her guidance.

———

Tossing the last of her tissues in the bin, y/n pastes on a smile as she looks to Nikki.

“Thank you for helping me clean up, you didn’t need to do that” y/n says.

“It’s not a problem dear, I’m used to four boys, this is nothing” she jokes.

Y/n laughs a genuine but small laugh.

“Alright dear, I’m going to get some items from the grocer so you can have food here, call me if you need anything” Nikki says, allowing y/n to settle back in front of the tv to rest.

“Thank you Nikki” y/n sniffles.

Tom's Phone:

Tom slams the gear into park and turns off the engine.

The keys clutches in his hand, his wallet and small backpack abandoned in the car behind him, as he runs to the flat he and y/n share.

He throws the door open once the deadbolt pops, only stopping it before it can hit the wall as to keep it from waking y/n up should she be resting.

Tom immediately makes eye contact with his mum as she pauses her unloading of groceries.

The look in his eyes causes her to sigh, “she’s in the living room. I told her not to fret over unloading as she does need some rest. Pushing through each time to get things done isn’t always a good idea”.

Tom nods, giving his mum a quick side hug and a soft thank you before heading to the living room.

———

Tom’s heart breaks when he sees his girl wiping her eyes with her hand as she sits in front of a black tv screen.

He isn’t sure what’s wrong, yet he can see what his mom means by her not being sick but still not okay.

“Darling?” Tom whispers, wanting to rush to her side but forcing himself to take slow steps.

“T-Tom?” Y/n gasps, aggressively rubbing her eyes now as she tries to appear more normal.

“Yes it’s me love, I’m home” he says, a few steps from her.

“Please tell me you didn't cancel your plans for me… I’m… not … actually sick Tom” she whispers, staring at her lap with tremendous guilt.

“I know” Tom says, sitting next to her and pulling her in for a hug.

———

They sit like that in silence for a few minutes before y/n crumbles in his arms and throws her arms around him as she cries.

Ignoring the piercing pain in his chest at seeing her this way, Tom takes a deep breath and holds her as tightly as he can without hurting her.

"Don’t worry, everything's going to be alright..." Tom promises, intent on doing whatever it takes to fix her bad day.

“I’m okay Tommy… you didn’t need to leave set” she whispers, tears still streaming down her face and onto his chest.

“No you’re not. It’s okay to have a bad day love” he shushes, rubbing her arm.

“…I get bad days often though, you can’t always leave for them” She says, no longer trying to keep him out.

His embrace and compassion towards her when he thought she simply had a bad day makes her feel accepted and comfortable sharing more information about her struggle.

“Wait, what?” Tom asks, suddenly feeling like he doesn’t have enough air in his lungs.

"They are normal, I get them all the time, I’ll be fine! You don’t need to cancel work” She says, feeling guilty for him leaving.

“.. you get constant bad days and you didn't tell me?!" He asks, his head spinning as he feels horrible for not realizing.

“It’s not every day Tom. I don’t really have control over it, but they’re just that… bad days… it’ll eventually go away” She shrugs, trying to minimize it.

“Y/n, I can tell there’s more. What are you not telling me?” He asks, looking at her pleadingly.

Y/n sits silently, unsure how to have this conversation.

“Say something, talk to me" Tom begs, squeezing her bicep softly.

“I… I hate hiding it from you because you’re, well you,… but I can’t stand the idea of being an even bigger burden and inconvenience Tom so please just trust me when I say I will figure it out and be fine” she says, her gaze finally turning to his face.

Tom’s heart stops momentarily upon hearing her words and seeing the anguish in her eyes.

“Darling, you know you're never a nuisance nor a burden. Not to me” Tom sighs, stroking her cheek.

She gives Tom a thankful smile but he can see her pain and hesitation behind it.

He kisses her forehead tenderly, “I’m not going to force you to talk about it now love. I understand if you need time”.

She snuggles closer to him, sniffling as she tries to compose herself.

“I just need you to know that, perhaps I don't say it enough, but... I'd like you to know that I’m always here, if you ever want to talk” Tom says, stroking her hair.

“I know Tom, thank you” she softly responds, her fingers tracing shapes on his stomach.

———

“I don’t want you constantly thinking and worrying about me when you’re away” y/n says as Tom adjusts the blanket he draped over them a few moments ago.

“Angel, I am never not thinking of you” Tom laughs gently, looking at her as she rests against him.

She blushes slightly but Tom notices her tongue move around in her closed mouth as her lips purse.

“Thirsty?” He asks, causing her to nod.

“I’ll get you some water” he says, cautiously lifting her frame from his so he can stand.

Seeing the look in her eyes, he bends back down, kissing her forehead as he whispers, “I promise I’ll be right back”.

———

When Tom makes it to the kitchen he sees his mum is pouring a glass of water into y/N’s favorite mug.

Tom smiles at her, “thank you mum”.

Nikki nods, “you’re doing great Thomas”.

He sighs, “I don’t know what to do. I don’t really even know what’s going on. How do I help her? Mum, how do I fix it?”

Nikki grins at how sweet her eldest son is, “Tom, let her come to you. You’ll know soon enough, it’s not my place to disclose anything”.

Tom nods, his eyes flickering to the living room.

“I.. at least tell me how to help, how do I fix this for her?” He asks.

“You don’t. Just be there for her like normal, it’ll work itself out. Once she tells you, you guys can find some solutions but for now she just needs you “ Nikki says, hugging her son.

“Thank you for your help mum” he says, hugging her back.

“I’m going to head out, let me know if you two need anything” Nikki nods, handing him the glass.

———

“Thank you for being here but I’m sorry you felt you had to come home” y/n says, sitting up slightly to sip the water.

Tom frowns, “hey now, no more apologizing. I’m glad to be home; besides I meant it when I said any reason, any time, any place.”

Y/n smiles genuinely as she recalls Tom and her promise to each other to always be there for the other no matter where they were, even if they were apart.

Tom grins as his eyes notice the faint but true smile forming on her face.

“You.. you came home for me despite being at work” She whispers, setting her water down as he joins her on the couch again.

“Love, of course I came for you... it would take so much more than that to stop me” Tom assures her, his hand resting on her’s against the seat beneath them.

“Bu-but it’s your dream Tommy. You don’t need to risk that just because I’m…” She argues.

“Y/n, acting isn’t my dream” he sighs, interlacing his fingers through her’s from the back side of her hand.

“What?” She asks, panicking that she doesn’t know him well enough after all.

“Acting isn’t my dream. Y/n, you are my dream. Life with you is my dream. Acting is a passion, but you, my love, are my dream” Tom admits.

Y/n shuffles in her seat to look at him better and tears well up in her eyes again as she admires the man before her.

“Y-you’re my dream too Thomas Stanley Holland” she chokes.

Tom smiles widely and nods, "I’m glad, now love, what can I do for you right now?"

“Just… just hold me?” She suggests.

Tom wastes no time in bringing her to him and covering her body with his embrace as much as possible.

“Did you eat yet today? I can order something." Tom asks when he notices y/n hold her stomach as if in pain.

“Nikki made me eat earlier, this just happens when I get like this” She tells him.

Tom smiles at the idea of his mum taking care of his girlfriend and forcing her to eat despite how stubborn y/n can be.

“What do you mean this happens? If you are not hungry, are you in pain, nauseated, or what?” Tom asks, desperately wanting to know what she’s feeling.

“Kinda both, mostly pain” she says softly as if it will make it easier for Tom to deal with.

Sighing, Tom tilts her head towards him so he can look into her eyes.

“Pain is not normal, we need to call someone” he says, reaching for his phone blindly as his eyes remain on her.

“Tom there’s nothing they can do. It’s not a big deal, it happens every time and it’s the least of my symptoms when this flares up” she admits, pushing his hand down from the table.

“Baby, I want to help you but I don’t know how if you won’t tell me what is going on” he says, brushing several strands of hair from her eyes.

“You don’t need to help me Tom, I’ll be fine” she says, giving him a smile he sees through easily.

"You've been helping me ever since we met. It’s fair I get to start repaying the favor” he argues, tapping her nose.

“You always help T, but this time you don’t need to. There’s not much that can be done. I’m okay and will get myself through it. I don’t want you stressing over this when you have filming and then press, and then you-“ she begins, mentally checking off his list of responsibilities she’s interfering with.

“Y/n stop. I’m serious. I think it’s time for a little tough love. I adore the way you care for everyone else all the time. And maybe you do it because you think it's your job to look after everyone else and just face your own struggles alone. But it's not supposed to be like that. It needs to work both ways. Right now, it's my turn to look after you. I want to look after you. Okay?" He asks, more telling than truly asking.

She giggles twice at his response and nods, “okay”.

“You said this, whatever this is, happens often?” He asks, sitting up and moving her to be sitting in his lap.

She bites her lip and nods.

“How often?” Tom presses, guilt causing bile to raise in his esophagus as he questions how many times she’s felt this way without him knowing.

“I don’t know” she says, continuing when she sees his facial expression, “really. It’s random, but my counselor calls them episodes, for me I just think of them like flare ups or random rounds I face”.

“Rounds?” He asks, tilting his head slightly.

“Yeah, I think of it as like boxing rounds or something” she says shyly, still unsure how to explain her situation, “they come every now and then and each is different in severity”.

“Like rounds of fighting? You’re having times, or rounds, where you feel like this and have to fight until they end?” Tom questions.

She nods, “yeah, exactly”.

"And how bad is it this time?" He asks, squeezing her hip.

“Uhh.. this time is worse than it’s been before” she admits, eyes locked on her lap.

“When was the last time before now?” He asks kindly.

“I don’t recall exactly, but at least six months ago. So I’ve been okay for awhile!” She says, hoping to cheer him up and distract him.

“So before we moved?” Tom asks, trying to piece it together.

“Yes” she whispers, “but that’s not what caused it. These episodes just happen randomly. This time was just worse cause…”

“Because?” He asks, squeezing her again to get her to look at him.

Her saddened eyes look into his melted chocolate ones, “it was harder to fight the feeling of loneliness”.

She feels guilty and ashamed admitting it but she knows Tom’s eyes well enough to know he’s silently pleading her to answer truthfully.

“Because I wasn’t here” Tom sighs, closing his eyes briefly.

“No. Because no one was. Tom, it’s not the first time I’ve had an episode when you were away” she says, hoping he’ll understand it’s not his fault.

“It’s not?!” He panics, calming himself when he sees her guilt at his reaction to her having been honest.

Relaxing as much as he can so she doesn’t shut him out again, he sighs, “I don’t know if it’s worse that I wasn’t aware you were hurting when I was there for these episodes or if it’s worse that I wasn’t here for some of them to help you”.

“Tom” she sighs, her hand cupping his cheek; movements still slowed by her depressive state, “you knew when I was hurting when you were home”.

He shakes his head, “I’ve never seen you like this”.

“I know. I masked it Tom. I hid it from you, from the boys, from your family, my family, our friends, everyone. I… I fought it myself but you could still see I was having a bad day. I usually am good at making an excuse for it” she rambles.

“An excuse…” Tom sighs.

“Not a true lie because usually it was true. Someone would ask if I slept well and when these flare ups happen I don’t. So admitting that allowed the excuse of being tired as the reason behind my behavior. Other times I would truly have a tough day and while it wasn’t the reason I was like this, I let you believe it was. I’m sorry” she frowns, seeing the sad look in his normally warm eyes.

“Why wouldn’t you just tell me?” He asks, causing her to look back at her lap as her lip quivers.

“No, no, no. I’m not mad” he tilts her head back up, “I just want to know, why?”.

“I… it’s not a fun conversation and not everyone can handle it. I love you too much, I couldn’t risk scaring you away” she admits.

Tom frowns, “you don't need to worry about scaring me off. I’m not going anywhere. Y/n, you can try as hard as you want, but there's nothing you can say that's going to make me love you any less. There’s nothing you can tell me that will make me see you differently”.

She bats her eyelashes to clear her vision as she chokes on a sob before violently throwing herself against him.

“Shhh love” Tom coos, rubbing her back as she shakes in his arms.

“It’s okay, it’ll be okay. I’ll make sure of it” he says, silently hoping he can fulfill that promise since he doesn’t know the cause of her pain.

———

After a few moments of sweet nothings and needy cuddles, she leans back and tries to calm herself so she can explain her situation.

“Would you like some tea darling? Maybe some chamomile?” Tom suggests.

She nods, Tom fighting a smile when her eyes flicker at the idea.

“But, I don’t want to leave your arms “ she admits weakly.

“Hmm, I think we can manage that” he says, helping her stand.

He grips her hips firmly, “jump my dear”.

She hesitates briefly but when he squeezes her hips and starts lifting her off the floor, she bends her knees to help him pick her up.

She wordlessly wraps her legs around his waist, not needing any instructions.

Tom moves one hand to her lower back to ensure she’s secure as he walks to the kitchen.

He grabs the tea container from the counter and get out enough for two cups.

Y/n leans her head down and into the crease of his neck as she relishes in the scent of his cologne she missed.

Tom glances at her as he starts the hot water.

“Is there anything else you’d like to do today?” He asks, rubbing her back as the water heats up.

“No, that’s part of the problem “ she sighs.

Unsure what she means, but not wanting to push her to elaborate until she’s ready, he kisses the side of her head.

“Sorry” she mumbles against him.

“No need to be sorry love, I’m more than content just holding you” he promises.

———

As they sip on their tea in silence, Tom watches her for any clues.

Once she’s finished with her mug, she sets it down on the coffee table and pops her knuckles nervously.

“I’m not good at this” she blurts.

Tom sets his mug down, “with what?”.

“Being vulnerable” she sighs.

“I understand. If you’re not ready, you don’t need to tell me. I’ll be here regardless” Tom encourages.

“I want to tell you… I do… it’s just… it’s a long story and I don’t know how to tell it” she admits.

“I’m listening love. I don’t care how long it takes, I’m invested. And you can tell it however you’d like” he assures her, rubbing her hip with his thumb.

“Okay… so I guess I need to start by … informing you I have… depression” She whispers.

Tom holds his breath in order to not let her see her confession made his chest cave and breathing becomes shaky.

———

Tom nods along as he listens respectfully to her talk in circles as she tries to explain.

When he notices a pause, he asks, “how long has this been happening?”

“This time or overall?” She responds softly.

“Overall” he says, watching her facial expressions.

“Since I was little. I had been on meds in middle school but I didn’t like them “ she frowns.

“I see. And how long this time?” He asks hesitantly.

Tom notices her pause and waits silently until she’s willing to tell him.

“Around a week “ She admits, refusing to look him in the eye as she knows he’ll be upset she didn’t tell him earlier.

Tom notices this and leans forward to kiss her temple, “I’m sorry you’ve been struggling for so long love”.

———

“.. sorry, I talked too much" Y/n says, cutting herself off from explaining her symptoms to Tom when he requested details.

“No no no, not at all. Keep talking" he encourages, kissing the corner of her mouth.

He smiles to himself upon her lips curving upwards slightly at his touch.

He nods his head to signal her to keep going.

He wants to know her experience.

He wants to know how she’s feeling.

He hates she’s in pain but wants to know what it’s like for her.

He wants to understand what she faces with her depression.

He wants to know as much as possible so he can help her.

“So yeah” She forces a laugh, “that’s what it’s like. I know I’m not alone in a general sense, or when with you or the guys not in a literal sense either. But even then it’s lonely and I hate it because I know I shouldn’t feel that way “.

Tom nods sympathetically and combs through her hair next to her face with his fingers as she tangled it during her shaking grasps at it while elaborating on her emotions.

“Y/n, I'm so proud of you. I know it's been hard to get past these rough days, and face your depression. And while you need to know you don’t need to do this alone, that I don’t want you to do this alone... I still want you to know that I’m proud of you” Tom says, offering her a tender kiss.

“For what?” She sniffles, letting his eyes melt her tension.

“For being so strong and fighting so hard” he says as if it’s obvious.

“But I’m not, Tom the house was a mess! Y-your mum- I had made a disaster and Nikki had to help me clean. She had to help me get into the shower as it had been a week. She had to undo the mats in my hair. She had to make me eat. She had- well you get the point. She’s the strong one Tom “ y/n argues, her cheeks pink in embarrassment as she officially realizes the state Nikki saw her in.

“Love, hey, look at me” Tom says, waiting until she does, “my mum adores you. She seriously didn’t mind. I’m glad she was here to help you baby. So is she. You don’t need to be embarrassed or guilty, it’s okay to not be okay all the time”.

Y/n shakes her head in denial.

Tom scoffs, “yes it is. We’ll find a way to manage your depression. It’s not something we can ignore but you don’t need to face it alone either. You’re strong enough to, but you’re not going to face it without me anymore”.

———

“Thank you Tommy” She says, her hands tucked into Tom’s hoodie as they return to their flat.

“Of course. I read some exercise can help depression symptoms. It says it won’t always but I figured it was with a shot “ he rambles nervously, hoping he didn’t overstep.

“I love you T, that’s the sweetest thing” she grins, honored he took the time to read up on her condition while she napped in his arms earlier.

“I love you too beautiful. Let’s get you into a warm bath before bed” he suggests as he opens the door to their home, recalling another coping mechanism he learned.

———

“I can walk” she whispers, Tom having picked her up after she was in her pajamas.

“I know, but your body is still exhausted darling. I’ve got you” he defends, cradling her as he walks to their bedroom.

She smiles weakly at him but he knows it’s real and he kisses her nose.

Tom sets her down under the covers before tucking her in.

“Ooh, this piece fell out” Tom blurts, taking a strand of hair that fell from her messy bun of blow dried hair and putting it back up and off her face.

She thanks him before yawning, appreciating the fact he not only blow dried her hair as he remembered she hates sleeping with a wet head, but also tried his best to keep the hair off her face.

Tom smiles, “I know how much you hate your hair being down when it’s hot at night”.

Tom turns the bedroom fan on before joining her in their bed.

“Thank you for coming” she says, inching closer to him.

“I’ll always come home as long as it’s to you my love. Please don’t hesitate to ask for help next time” he says, gently hooking his arm around her waist.

She nods, kissing his cheek softly, Tom noticing her chapped lips.

He makes a mental note to make sure she gets proper hydration tomorrow and to grab some more chapstick for her from the store.

“Thank you for opening up and telling me about your depression” Tom says, holding her to him.

“Thank you for listening and caring” She responds, her body turning to mush in his arms.

“You don’t need to thank me for that my love. Let me see your phone, I want all your alarms turned off” He says.

Without leaving his arms, she twists her shoulder so she can grab the device from her bedside table.

“Oh, you have some texts” Tom says, a huge grin betraying the fact he unintentionally read the first few that popped up.

Squinting in confusion, she grabs it from him, skipping out of his arms to see it.

She blushes and feels tears form in her eyes again as she reads the group chat she’s in with the Holland family.

Y/N’s Phone:

She buries her head into Tom’s shoulder after replying and hands him the phone.

He grins as he looks at the messages and kisses her ear.

“Your family is so precious “ She blushes.

“They’re your family too darling” he says, biting his lip to not blurt out his intention to take a step towards making that official soon.

Y/N’s Phone:

After muting and locking her phone, Tom pulls her frame closer to him as he whispers sweet words in her ear.

Once she’s asleep, he smiles and kisses her forehead.

Closing his eyes, Tom lets himself relax now that he’s home and knows what’s going on.

He knows it’ll be something they need to face time to time, but they’ll be doing it together now.

He knows she’ll need more time to escape this round but he plans on being there every moment of it, filming not even crossing his mind.

“It’s okay not to be okay, but we’ll get you there” He whispers against her hair as he drifts to sleep

———

Tag list: @galaxyholland @spideysbae @mcushvft @fishingirl12 @raajali3 @justapurrcat @users09

Prompt guidance: @soulprompts

#tom holland x reader #tom holland #tom holland fluff #tom holland x y/n #tommy baby #my writing #requests #tom holland x you #tom holland fanfic #tom holland comfort #thomas stanley holland #tom holland comfort fic #Tom holland hurt comfort #tom holland depression #tom holland smau #Tom holland text

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