#my dopamine is off the fucking charts

[aahsoka]

destined with you is making me insane i need the next episode . i need the whole drama right now

#jordan talks #the amount of dopamine this show is giving me is off the charts #inject it into my fucking veins

[bomberqueen17]

ugh

I can't sleep and I'm just sort of stewing over how unprepared I am to be entirely on my own managing my own healthcare. blech.

Did I mention, Farmsister was suffering from hip pain and went to her doctor and was diagnosed with the exact same problem I have?

Diagnosed, I said. Yes! Her doctor actually investigated the cause of her pain, diagnosed her, referred her to a physical therapist, but also came up with a plan of treatment. Told her physical therapy often can't resolve this issue, so after a set amount of PT, if there wasn't enough improvement she'd refer her to an orthopedist instead.

Imagine that. My doctor was like "you've got intermittently debilitating pain? You should go see a doctor about that." and that was that. I went to a physical therapist because that's what she recommended, but I don't have a plan, I'm just spending $150/wk to work out in a room full of other people. I guess I'll ask my PT if there's a plan or like timeline or like, idk, something we should look for, or what. IDK what a realistic goal is. Pain-free seems out of reach. I'd settle for largely functional, I guess? But I don't know, and I guess I'm on my own to figure it out.

And the same with the ADHD! She was like "oh, your insurance isn't going to cover it and it's probably going to take months of waiting, but you had better go see someone about that", and refused to engage any further. So I messaged the psychiatrist today and he doesn't check the messages on that platform so I texted the admin who was like oh usually medication is adjusted at follow-ups, and I'm like well in the three minutes he talked to me it didn't come up I guess, so then they texted back that he says to try taking two pills a day for a couple days and then schedule a follow-up.

I've asked around, and usually I guess the regular adderall pills, you take in two doses at separate times. But if the point is that I'm trying to see if a higher dose helps, I'd probably better take them at the same time??

It's just that when the small ineffective dose wears off four or five hours after I take it, without my ever having had a good phase, I get horribly drowsy and also get this kind of gross formless yearning that I think might be a dopamine crash, where I roam the house in itchy horrible discontent trying to think of something that might help me, but it's not candy and it's not reading a book and it's not napping, and I guess I understand why people turn to drugs or self-harm because the feeling is awful, spacy and wrung-out and aimlessly needy.

But I guess it's up to me to research what that is and what to do about it, and then at my $250 three-minute follow-up appointment in three days or whatever I'll tell the psych what I want prescribed to me, because it's sure as shit not like he's going to have any fucking advice for me.

And like. Laugh out loud at the notion that my primary care physician would give a single shit about this. Maybe I didn't mention this on here either but literally the only thing she has looked into about me is that my blood tests came back with a fasting blood glucose level of 5.7 (idk what units, just that she's fixated on that number) and it is exactly entirely that post circulating about """"pre-diabetes"""? She has put in my chart that she wants to start me on Metformin!! Christ all fucking mighty, it could not be more obvious that she took one look at my fat ass and was like "this bitch eats only candy! I'd better scare her straight!"

Ma'am fuck off. She wants me to get my blood retested in July and I am figuring I'll take advantage of having to have a visit then anyway to get the ADHD stuff entered into my main chart, and I'm also going to tell her that since she was so disinterested in literally any of the conditions actually debilitating me (my hip pain and my ADHD) I had to research those so I could treat myself, and in the course of researching that I found out about the fake "epidemic" of "pre-diabetes" which isn't a thing, it's a fucking PR gambit to sell drugs, and so if she prescribes me diabetes drugs when I do not fucking have diabetes I will not be taking them, and I will also be looking for a new doctor, because I do not appreciate her fixation on treating a condition I do not have while ignoring things that are literally preventing me from leading the life I want to, wherein I can do things like, stand/walk as much as I like and can also like, perform tasks.

So there's my timeline.

(Yeah my insurance won't cover blood testing a second time in a year so that's gonna cost me $200ish, and the phone doctor visit she insisted on to discuss the results last time was $45 and it'll be that again for this one, but I mean, eventually I'll hit my deductible maybe.)

I don't know, people tell me that they have medical professionals that actually listen to and treat them and give them like actual good actionable advice on how to improve their various health conditions but as far as I can tell that all sounds fake and isn't a thing.

Unfortunately, I am too fucking debilitated by my Can't Think Good disease to do a competent job at caring for myself, so I guess I'm just going to have to fucking muddle through somehow, or something.

Probably I should put together my citations on how Pre-Diabetes Is Fake so that when I unload that on my doctor I can do so with fucking footnotes at least. Lord knows I can't sleep at the moment so I might as well do something productive.

#about the author #whining #adhd

[starkerhowlter]

Don't Pull Away

Ship: starker

Rating: M

Contains: mild angst, mentioned fantasies, tooth-rotting fluff, no smut

Initial prompt: @starkerfestivals summber bingo fill: headpats

Words: 1746

Summary: Peter loves Tony's hands in his hair. Tony loves having his hands in Peter's hair.

A/n: I know it's over but finally, my fourth work in the Starker Festivals Bingo is done! (I think I want to keep working on it despite it being over)

This was beta'd by the most gorgeous squishbean, @cozysafechaotic! and cheered on by my team on the Super Starkers server. Thank you guys as always for being your badass selves.

Read it on ao3

 Tony notices the reaction immediately. One moment he's congratulating Peter on a job well done in the lab, and the next, the twenty-year-old intern's eyes are shining. At first, the older scientist couldn't figure out why until he realized his hand is still on Peter's head, fingers touching the soft brown curls.

 "Good job, kiddo." He covers, removing his hand from the boy's hair, and placing them in his pockets. 

 "Thanks, Mr Stark!" He beams, "What should I do next?"

 "I think it would benefit you to try and change the composition of the web solution powder to make it neater. Currently, the liquids aren't melding completely and it's going to harm the tensile strength in the long run." 

 "What should I use instead?" 

 "I honestly couldn't tell you. Why don't you try going to the chemical pantry and see if anything fits? I think that JARVIS has it cleared for you."

 "Okay," Peter smiles and disappears out the door, leaving Tony with his thoughts.

 "Fuck. J, can you play back the camera footage of that?"

 "On it, sir." As soon as the man asks, a holographic footage screen appears before him. From this angle, he can see his hand brushing Peter's hair, and the way the boy's face lights up. "By the way, sir, Mr Parker's vitals spiked when you touched his head. I noted a spike in dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine. His heart rate also spiked."

 "No way." Tony falls back in his swivel chair, fingers running through his own hair. "Hey, J? Start a new experiment page."

 "Title?" The robotic butler replies, obediently clearing the screen.

 "Sparkle Eyes." The inventor smiles to himself because the description is such a perfect explanation for how Peter's honey-coloured eyes looked.

 "Creating..." The screen changes to a chart of graphs "Created. Added 3.25 megabytes of information to the experiment page."

 "Perfect. Please keep updating it with each instance as they happen." 

 "Only in the lab, sir?"

 "No, whole complex. But just with me and Peter. No one else. Stevo and Manchurian Candidate would skew the records."

 "Noted. Beginning Sparkle Eyes program."

 "Thank you, Jar--"

 "How about this? Think silica gel would clear it?" Peter presents a jar of silica beads, proudly.

 "It would dry it out more, so it's worth a try. You might have to add more of a liquid though to make it sticky again. Think of making bread or cookies."

 "Noted. I think I'm going to try mixing it in over a heated burner, where it's hot enough to melt but not hot enough to smoke us out." 

 "Probably a good idea. Do you need to create a safe environment or does it matter?"

 "I think since I'm burning it, it's not really a problem either way." He returns to his desk, taking the lid off the solution in the flask. Carefully bringing it to temperature, the bubbles in the solution dissipate. He mixes in the silica gel, watching it turn into the sticky solution he's hoping for. "Holy shit, Mr Stark!!! I did it!" Tony looks up from his work to find Peter, with his hands in the air, staring proudly at him. "I made the web fluid correctly!"

 "Well go on then, test it! Dum-e and I will get you down if you get stuck." Peter nods, loading the web fluid into a capsule and into his web shooter. He aims for the wall, swinging to land on the concrete ceiling of Tony's lab. 

 "It worked! It worked!!" He cheers, pulling himself free from the webbing. He drops back to the floor, and Tony ruffles his hair again. He revels privately in the way that Peter's entire face tints a gentle rosy pink. He tilts his head slightly into the older's touch before pulling away completely. One of the sensors on the desk chimes, breaking the trance the two have created for themselves. 

 "We should... yeah."

 "Yeah... You're-- You're probably right. I need to go and.... erm... tighten the bolts on my left boot. It's been giving me issues." Tony pulls away from the younger, watching him with curiosity. Peter runs his hands through his hair repetitively and Tony selfishly wonders if he's trying to recreate the feeling. 

---

 Peter scratches gently at his scalp, hoping for the feeling of the man's fingers to appear again. He can't explain it, but he craves the feeling of Tony's hand in his hair. Almost as though the presence itself is a physical manifestation of how proud he is of the boy. It's self-centred, sure, but Peter can't help but wish everything Tony does is because of him. He wonders if Tony has noticed the way the younger boy leans into his touch, and wonders if it would be odd to ask him to ruffle his hair. To allow the boy to lay his head on Tony's thigh and let him comb his mechanic's fingers through Peter's curls as they watch whatever 80s movie Tony picked out. He wishes he could tell Tony, but he can't.

---

 Tony finds any way he can to put his hand in Peter's hair after that day. He tried to forget about it, sure, but the way the boy would follow his hand anytime he came near, as though he were a puppy waiting for a treat or a belly rub. He silently begs for it with his eyes and Tony wonders if Peter knows he's doing it. 

---

  Two months later, Peter has a boyfriend.

 The two students come into the lab and the stranger smiles at Tony. The boy's got a kind smile, one that makes it clear why Peter fell for him. Peter waves and greets Tony with a cheerful "Hi, Mr Stark! This is Harley! I just brought him over to check out my chemistry notes. He thinks he has an idea of how to synthesize the formula. Don't worry about him exposing my spiderman secret, his dad works for you!"

 "Ah, Mr Keener! I knew you looked familiar! I think you weren't more than a sprout last time I saw you!" Tony coldly shakes Harley's hand, the craving for bourbon stinging his throat. 

 Harley looks absolutely starstruck. They really are perfect for each other. 

---

 It's all well and good until Harley leans over and kisses Peter. Something about needing to go to work and that he will see him back at the dorms tonight. He pays it no mind until Harley's fingers curl into the hair on the back of Peter's head and pull gently. Peter gasps into the kiss, breaking it off before it gets heated, "See you tonight!" 

 "Love you too, baby," Harley calls, disappearing out the same door they came in. Peter blushes gently, leaning back over his work as though nothing happened. 

 'Baby.' The title sticks in Tony's head, Peter's reaction causing one of its own in Tony. It's quickly replaced by a small popup by Jarvis about the hair grab. He murmurs to himself, 'no chemical changes' and smirks. Harley is merely a stand-in and Tony's never felt more satisfied. He wonders what would happen if he were to pull Peter's hair and call him baby. Would Peter gasp just as prettily? Would it be prettier?

 "Hey, Mr Stark?"

 "What's up, Spiderling?" Tony asks, walking over to the desk where the boy is mixing more fluid. 

 "I was just wondering if you had any more gel capsules. I need to make more web pills."

 "I can see what I have. Wait here." Tony leaves and the rest of the day is just as stiff as the stress in his neck. 

--

 It seems like just as fast as their relationship started, Harley comes around the lab and up in conversation less and less. Tony meanly wonders if it's due to his and Peter's closeness that Harley feels threatened. He wishes he could call Harley, or "Harls" as Peter calls him, and tell him to watch as Peter's eyes blossom in sparkles and color when his hand touches Peter's hair. 

 He hasn't seen Peter in days. Well, real Peter. Holographic Peter has been keeping him plenty of company from inside the Sparkle Eyes file. Why turn to porn when he could turn to a personalized collection of photos and videos with Peter melting at his touch?

--

 Peter returns one afternoon, eyes raw and red. "Peter?" 

 "Mr Stark..." He approaches Tony and falls against him, arms wrapping around his neck, face hiding against his own arm. At that moment Tony forgets how much he hates touch, he wants nothing more than to hold Peter and ruffle his hair, kissing the tears off his cheeks. He raises his hand hovering just slightly over the boy's head, debating if it's appropriate to touch his young mentee. Before he can reply, Peter's hand is gripping his wrist, pulling it the last few inches to tangle it in his hair. His shoulders fall, fresh tears falling from his eyes. 

 "What's happened?" Tony asks, gently carding his fingers through the curls. 

 "H-Harley. He cheated on me! Again!"

"Again? This has happened before, Peter?"

 "Mr Stark, first, it was Gwen, then Quentin, then he swore he and Harry were finished and he swore he didn't have feelings anymore for him. I trusted him, I let him back in, I took him back and then I walked in on them fucking in our dorm room. I'm so stupid, Mr Stark. I shouldn't have gone back to him. But I did because I'm dumb and desperate and--" 

 "Woah, woah, hey! You're not desperate or dumb. You're just a fool in love. Why it's with that idiot I will never know but you're not dumb. He is. Got that? Sorry, let me just..." He goes to pull his hand out from the boy's hair, expecting to gain some clarity. Instead of being allowed to break away, Peter nuzzles closer to him, not bothered by the metal of Tony's watch brushing his ear. "Peter?" The younger looks up at him, brown eyes sparkling, as he connects their lips.

 "Don't pull away. Not yet," he murmurs, sharing breaths with Tony.

 "I won't go anywhere, kid." Tony smiles, kissing him again. "I'm not going anywhere."

--

Thank you so much for reading! Likes, Comments, and reblogs are very very much appreciated.

#shut up nika #nika writes #starker #tony x peter

[scars-of-the-hart]

Tempest on the Shore: Shakarian angst on the Citadel

Her legs had finally stopped trembling. Shit. Shepard tried to hold onto the last tendrils of the woozy, tingling, mind-wiping high.  But it was like trying to hold water in cupped hands, it slipped away through the cracks no matter how tightly she tried to hold it, leaving emptiness behind. And the emptiness was loud. She let out a frustrated sigh and rolled over shifting to the edge of the bed, remembering exactly where she had dropped her pants and tank top. She hadn’t bothered with underwear for this in ages. 

“Um...excuse me?” Demanded the salarian in the bed pressing himself up onto his elbows.

Shepard gave him a puzzled frown.

The salarian (he had a name but she’d intentionally failed to commit it to memory) imperiously raised a scaled brow at her. “What the hell was that?”

“What?”

“That noise you made.”

“What noise?”

“You sighed.”

“Oh...um did I?”

The salarian scowled at her. “Yes, you did. Look honey, I don’t know what your problem is but two hours with me will not result in the most quad-rung overstimulated krogan feeling dissatisfied so you better get that little viscous crack looked at.” He narrowed his eyes at her, and cast a disgusted look between her legs. “Because it is the problem. Not. Me.”

Shepard just stared at him. She was tempted to pay him double because she was close to laughing, which was more of a service than anything he’d done in this bed. But the spark went out as quickly as it had come. 

She shook her head as she tucked a hand between her legs. Not too wet. Manageable for the walk back to the Normandy. That was the handy thing about salarians. The females created enough moisture of their own that the blokes were pretty dry in the bed. As she pulled her pants on she gave the salarain a hard look. “I appreciate that you take so much pride in your work, but you're worrying your giant head over nothing. You were great. Thanks.” He still looked pissed as hell. She vaguely tried to care, but just couldn’t.  “Keep to working with people's bodies, you’ve got no natural ability with their heads.”  She pulled her tank on, bound her tangled mane of red hair in a messy bun on top of her head, crossed to the door and waved her omnitool across the payment console. It registered her transfer of credits and the door clicked as it unlocked and hissed open. She gave the salarian a mocking salute as she left.

“See you in two weeks, freak.” He called after her, his voice full of venom.

She tried to ignore it. She wouldn't be back, she lied to herself as she made her way along the wards. The streets were wet from the rain that had been falling before she started her session with the salarian. The layer of moisture almost made this part of the Citadel beautiful. There was something about the extended blur of the neon lights that made them romantic, instead of just... seedy.  

 A human who passed her made the mistake of eyeing the motion of her breasts under her tank and she gave him a look that told him exactly what kind of retribution that attention merited. He turned instantly pale and hastily turned down a different street. She should care-about the way he had looked, or his reaction or...or anything.  She pushed away that thought as she tried to push away every other, shifting her focus to the way walking made her recently stimulated vagina feel. She shifted her stride, trying to stir any lingering feelings of pleasure, to tease out a last rush of dopamine, but it wasn’t working. Between the bitchy salarian, and the oggloing tool...or maybe it was just her. Just the empty, broken, piece of shit she was.   She glanced at the time on her omnitool. She had half an hour before the end of their shore leave. Fuck. She could be fast but that wasn’t going to give her enough time for a session with anything if she wanted to avoid judgmental looks from Miranda and the Cerberus goons for coming back late when she was the one who had threatened to depart without any stragglers. 

You know what, fuck it. I didn’t ask to come back from the dead. 

She pulled up the booking page that had become the top listing for her “frequently used” extranet sites, and started typing in her preferences. Doesn’t matter if I pay for a full session and only use a few minutes. What am I gonna do with credits when the Reapers get here? Try to pay them off?  She filled out the request sheet as she walked: either gender, cunnelingus.  There literally wasn’t time to fuck around with penetration. Species. The form asked. Shepard grunted impatiently, didn’t really matter, she just needed something waiting for her when she got to the back rooms of Chora’s Den.  She selected turian by accident, and then physically collided with one. 

Shepard rubbed her forehead where it had collided with the offending turian’s armor as pain lanced through her head. Ok, any lingering effects of the salarian generated dopamine were definitely gone now. She glowered up at the mandabled idiot she had run into, preparing a curt, ufelt apology, and fell silent as she caught sight of the glow of a blue visor. 

SHIT

“Commander…” Garrus’ browplates furrowed as he stared at her in surprise. Shepherd’s mind went completely blank as she just stared at him. His crystalline eyes widened in concern and more than a little shock. A steadying hand went to her arm and his rough tipped fingers round her brow, testing gently.  “Are you...I’m sorry I should have-”

Shepherd’s gut clenched and she quickly brushed away his hands. “Been watching where the fuck you were going. Yeah. Work on that.” His head cocked ever so slightly at her harsh tone, his eyes narrowing a fraction.  

“I’m sorry, Shepard.” His mandibles flared in irritation. “I was endeavoring to make it back to the Normandy as you-”

“-yeah, well if you're that careless while carrying out an order you're not gonna last two minutes against the Collectors.” She snapped.  His eyes narrowed further, every calculating thought clear in those eyes. Fucker. Shepard though. Her stomach clenched. She didn’t have time for this. She didn’t have the energy or the...anything, for this. “ I’ll have to put what’s left of your cold ass carapace in a box.”

And then she saw his chin set: slightly raised, head tilted ever so slightly to the right. His pissed off defensive posture. She was too tired and empty and furious and stressed and scared and- 

Shepard turned on her heel and started stomping towards the nearest tram station that would lead her to the Citadel docks.

“Yeah,” Garrus called after her, “if you can still afford a box and you haven’t spent every last Cerberus credit at Chora’s.”

Ice shot down her spine. She stopped, turned slowly and stared at the turian.  “Excuse me, Vakarian?”

His chin was still set. “I’m sorry, is there something inaccurate in my assessment?” He drawled.

She hadn’t ever been followed...not that she cared if she had, you just didn’t survive the shit she did and remain capable of not checking for tails and hostels and whatever.  She didn’t care. She shouldn’t care. Why would she care if he knew? Especially if it was Garrus. Garrus who had gotten his whole crew killed. Garrus who’s medical chart after taking a rocket to the face had shown just what crap the turian had been pouring into his body (well...Moria wasn’t going to point fingers there..unless certain taloned fingers were already pointing at her), but that wasn’t the point why should she care? Except he shouldn’t know.

She gritted her teeth. “I would say there is as I have no idea what you are talking about.”

His eyes were cold as they narrowed. He casually lifted the hand that had, only minutes ago, brushed tenderly against her forehead, and sniffed it. His nostrils flared. “Salarian. Human sweat, yours, by the way, we’ve spared enough for me to recognize it. “

“Oh, fuck you, Vakarian.” She spat. “I probably smell like you, dipshit, after running into you. Who the fuck do you think you are throwing accuzations at your commanding officer?”

“You do smell like me.” Garrus snarled, “but it's different, and there's also a little krogan, asari and batarian-” she opened her mouth to snarl at him but he spoke over her “-not that those are from today, or you, not quite in the same way as the salarian. My guess is those scents are left over from whoever else was in the room before you.”

Rage washed through ther. “If you want to get back on my ship you’ll shut that pincushion of a mouth right now.”

Garrus’ nostrils flared, and she didn't think it had anything to do with him smelling her this time. “You asked me to come aboard!”

“Yeah,” Shepard snarled, “and I remember someone saying that he couldn’t exactly doubt my judgement.”

“That was before you were fucking everything and anything on the wards.”

It was like the world bottomed out around her. Nothing existed but his eyes and those words. She saw fear flash through them for a second, before being replaced by that same rage as before. 

“And what the hell makes you think what I fuck is any of your goddamn business?”

There was some hurt in the rage. “Because I’m your friend Shepard.”

“Yeah. Friend. And crew. Neither of which has anything to do with the personal choices I make.”

“Look,” he said, “taking on the Collectors, everything with the Council, coming back from the dead I get that its a lot to deal with-”

Heat rushed through her cheeks. “And I'm dealing with it so back the hell off.” 

“You’re being reckless there’s-”

Why was this happening? Why was she having this conversation? Why did it matter- she shoved the thoughts a way and glared at him. “Don’t talk to me about “being reckless” Archangel.”

It was a direct hit. Garrus blinked, a different type of pain in his expression. Shepherd’s gut twisted. It was a low blow. A fucking dirty low blow. 

He looked away from her, staring out at the skycars soaring past the walkway, then gave her a long look out of the corner of his eye.  “You are reckless in the field. You are tense on the ship. Its behavior I recognize. I was there recently, as you have so kindly reminded me.”

She wanted to say something. But she didn’t. She just held his gaze.

He slowly closed the difference between them, staring down at her. She refused to give ground: she didn’t move her chin an inch, and continued to glare up at him. He tilted his head so that he could meet her gaze and said slowly. “I don’t care who you fuck.” They were inches apart. “I care why you make bad calls when you know there are better ones.” She couldn’t breathe. His long slow breaths tickled her nose. “You asked for my help.” The challenge in his eyes made her blood sing. “So I’m going to call you on your bullshit, Shepard.” 

He’d been the one to support her after Eden Prime. Someone who had seen through Saren’s lies on his own. The one she wanted on her side on every mission. The only one who hadn’t questioned her using Cerberus…An feelings the salarian had left in her body were gone, the vague numb bliss replaced with the electric currents those eyes sent racing through her. She was rooted to the spot and ready to rush him all at once. She wanted her hands on him, to tear, to push against that immovable impossible weight and solidness of him. That was what she wanted. She wanted something real, something strong, something constant, something she could unleash herself against without fear. Her lips parted as a breath escaped them, crashing against his like a wave. 

But something broke the spell between them and Garrus pulled back. “No one on that ship is in their right mind.” He said quietly. “I have a feeling we’re all going to have to grapple with spirits that haunt us if we want a shot at taking the fight to the Collectors and coming back in one piece.”  He gave her a last long slow look. “But I think you need to figure out what the hell you're actually fighting for.” And with that he turned away, walking towards the docs without so much of a backwards glance. His crest cast a long shadow on the ground in the slowly dimming lights of the Citadel promenade, and Shepard felt herself fall into darkness as it slipped away.

#shakarian #garrus #Femshep #angst #romance #interspecies sex

[clarenecessities]

4/15/21

most days i can tamp down on the combined instincts of my alphabet soup brain, but today was like.... not that day

i had a small epiphany yesterday about eternia/etheria in that the ether is “space” and eternity is obviously time, so they’re like. you see? they’re spacetime. but spacetime is merely the stage upon which physics dance so i went on a very light retread of relativity, briefly detoured into time dilation/the planet of the apes movies, and in the process brushed up against apeiron

i’ve come across it before but had never investigated its origins, but it seemed like, you know, a cool word, and i’ve been doing a lot of research to pick an overarching name for the feline humanoids in my she-ra graph, right, because D’riluth iii is a stupid fucking name and I don’t want catra to be a subspecies of “““Driluthian”““ so i was like hey. is there a way to make this look less like ‘ape’

so it turns out kind of yes and no? the doric version of apeiros is transliterated as epeiros, which is also the spelling of ‘mainland’ (whence Epirus). of course, that led to epeirid, an adjectival form of Epeira.

“well, okay,” i said to myself, “is it like infinite, or like mainland? what does either have to do with spiders?” but of course wiktionary had no etymology listed. rather than using my brain and googling “epeira etymology” which would have taken me directly to the merriam-webster (heh. web) definition, i just googled epeira and found the fucking uh. wikipedia article for Araneus, because Epeira was the genus name for all of ten years. and like, okay. in my defense. the root they’ve listed is wrong. we’ll come back to that later.

so this french bitch had written a treatise on them in 1805, right? describing the members of the genus? so i was like fine. fuck it. whatever. maybe he explained why he picked it. so i looked up the fucking Tableau des aranéides ou caractères essentiels des tribus, genres, familles et races que renferme le genre Aranea de Linné, avec la désignation des espèces comprises dans chacune de ces divisions. because if the french know one thing, it’s brevity. 

“it’s fine,” i said, “i’ll just ctrl+f Epeira and get to the good shit,” i said. of course the only version online was on a spider website that you needed an account for. i was like you know what? fine. whatever. i made an account for the spider website. i gained access to the pdf of the 1805 french spider report. the 1805 spider report did not have searchable text.

this was around the point that i realized i was being deranged.

i read the fucking spider report. could have skimmed it! should have, probably! but i was so convinced i was going to skip over the explanation that i read the whole damn intro, right up until he starts describing the little bastards. considering my french is kindergarten level i owe most of it to the cognate power of science words. thank you, historical nerds, for being weaboos for greco-roman shit. you nailed it this time.

about 50 pages into the old timey spider pamphlet, i found a spelling en francaise. épéire. okay, sweet. googled that. it’s a modern french word, with one fewer accent, épeire--garden spider. etymologie just called back to Epeira. i returned to the spamphlet. i found another spelling, épéïre. this one yielded the french wikipedia article for Epeira.

“okay, fine,” i said, “fuck it, i’m 60 pages into a fucking spider report from 1805, i can read wikipedia.“

eureka. french wikipedia yielded the answer to my prayers. ἐπί (epí, “upon, on”) + εἴρω (eírō, “weave, string”). i updated wiktionary immediately, after a brief but ferocious battle to understand how the fuck their coding works.

my dudes, the euphoria was off the charts. never have i felt so accomplished. i hunted that motherfucker down like a dog. i dispersed this information to the masses, to save some hapless future nerd the trouble. i am never going to die.

oh also merriam-webster has it listed as “New Latin, from epi- + -eira (from Greek eirein to fasten in rows, string together)“ but like not only does it neglect to show greek letters, it’s not from eira. eirein isn’t even a god damn word! i can only assume they mean εἰρήνη (eirḗnē), because it means ‘to tie together’ literally, but in practice it means peace! and it’s still derived from eírō, not the other way around! i don’t even know where the -a comes from, unless they’re suggesting it’s in the fucking aorist. this is why it’s important to include the greek spelling. transliteration is fucking dumb.

i digress. the point is, sometimes being a nerd is a gateway to insane levels of dopamine, and i’m drunk on etymology

#daily clare #long posts #clare does research sometimes #oh also i got my vaccine today #huzzah

[crocgirl420]

I took care of an entire case today, from warrant to arraignment to disposition, all by phone, in a town ive literally never even heard of, for a client I’ve never met, with 100% positive outcomes for my client. The amount of task-completion dopamine surging through my body right now is off the fucking charts. I’m entering this weekend essentially in a post-orgasmic fog. And that’s not even the only thing I did today. God I love accomplishing tasks

#at the end of the day I am a well trained dog. give me tasks and rewards it’s all I need

[transhoverfish]

the degasi crew members are the best. im tired as hell right now but ig otta tell ypu all. about how much i love them. i just balls off the walls adore those three. i think about bart "co-evolution gives me the fuzzies" torgal and i fucking lose it. i go hog wild. my heart gies doki doki i fukcin g love him. marguerit maida and paul togral just fukcing OOOOOO YEAH BABEY max levels of dopamine. crying just thinking of them. off the fucking charts right now full of LOVE.

#2020 has been kicking my ass every single day #but at least bart torgal can say literally anything and make me happier #nothing is as good as just. listening to his first 2 pda entries i tell u #ohhhojtihorhks im. im love my husband......so much.......... #ik a lot of ppl dont like paul but i have like. a lot of personal reasons to like him #like hes. hes a weird character. but i can do whatever i want in fanfics and GOD is it therapeutic to make him a good person #hes not even bad enough that i have to justify liking him im just anxious about saying things aktbkabrkabrkwh #bart torgal #marguerit maida #paul torgal #degasi

[iatasbcl]

Can’t Help Falling In Love

Pairing: Gavin Reed x RK900 (Richard/Nines)

A/N: Tina Chen is my fav lesbian. Also, guess I ship reed900 now,,,

Summary: It’s Tina’s wedding and Gavin has Richard as his date.

Word count:2170

“Ladies and gentlemen give it up for our newlyweds, Nora, and Tina Chen!”

Gavin cheered when he saw his long-time friend finally enter with her bride, both danced to the music that played and had the world’s shiniest smile on their faces. Happiness practically radiated off them.

He felt himself smile unwillingly. “You look positively cheerful, detective.” It was the same cool voice he grew used to, albeit a bit more empathetic now. Gavin’s grin grew wider, “Damn right I am, my girl made it.”

He turned to Nin- Richard and saw him smile back at him, “Yes, I suppose Officer Chen has ‘made it’. Her Dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin levels are off the charts.” Gavin let out an amused scoff and knitted his brows together, still grinning.

“You can drop the formalities ya know? We are at a wedding.” He muttered and Richard’s LED turned yellow at the statement. The android gave him a blank stare then nodded slowly. They looked back to the women of the hour. They giggled together and stood by each other as another song started to play, Gavin immediately recognized it.

“The newlyweds will now have their first dance.” The man announced, Tina and Nora faced each other and got into position.

Wise men say, only fools rush in

The first verse began and with it, they moved, they twirled and danced while looking into each other’s eye with what he could assume was unconditional love. Now Gavin wouldn’t consider himself to be a sappy man, nope, no fucking way.

But, this. This was somehow so touching and soul-stirring for him. Seeing one so devoted to another that they probably the rest of the world exists, fuck. He wanted that, he wanted to be an absolute fool that got pampered with love and adoration. He would never admit it though

“Gavin. You zoned out, are you alright?” This brought him out of his little bubble, the song had ended, and Richard looked at him with worry. Richard. He was his date for the night, just his companion, his coworker that agreed to be his ‘date’. It was sad, it was pathetic, but it beat being alone on your best friend’s wedding. Or so he thought.

“Yeah, yeah-” He froze when he realized it. Had he just called him by his name? “Gavin?”

There he went again. Gavin shook his thoughts off, he asked him to be casual, why the hell did that make his mind foggy? It didn’t matter. “Yeah, uh, I’m good.” He shrugged.

It was time for him to give his man of honor speech, and saying he was a wreck was an understatement. The wedding had been so wholesome so far, he didn’t want to ruin Tina’s perfect vision. He sighed as he listened to Nora’s maid of honor’s speech, it was quite emotional, as in he could see the women tearing up. He felt slightly bad for finding it a bit funny.

“Are you anxious, Gavin?” was Richard’s sudden, quiet question.

“No. Why?” He wasn’t going to confide in him.

“Well, your heartbeat keeps increasing as your turn nears. Your palms are slightly shaking and a bit sweaty. It seems as if you are afraid.” He said it in his usual monotone voice like he was stating simple facts.

Gavin snorted, “Huh, me? Scared? No fucking way.”

“You do realize I am an advanced model that can detect lies, right?” Richard said with a smirk, an actual fucking smirk. He felt his heart skip a beat, but he quickly regained his composure. What the fuck was that.

“Your heartbeat does not have a usual beat either, it seems like your terrible caffeine addiction is taking its toll. You should seek medical attention.” The man with steel-eyes said and went back to looking around. The bridesmaid had finally finished her speech. Gavin got up slowly and looked around, everyone was here.

Hank, tin c- Connor, Chris, hell, even the captain was here, and other friends from work. Not that he cared, this was cool, cool, cool, cool-

“Gavin.” Again, the man snapped him out of it, this time it was different though. His soft hand touched his rough one. “Breath. I am sure Tina will appreciate what you have to say.”

His words were simple, and his touch was gentle. It was weird, they had been partners for a while and while he kinda liked him before, he never really let him get this close. Now that he did, he couldn’t help but wish he could stay like this and shit, he didn’t like where his mind was going.

He snatched his hand and just went to where the microphone was, not responding to what Richard said at all. He pulled out his speech and sighed.

“Hey uh, Good evening everyone.” He started, “Hope everyone’s having a good time,” He heard someone woo in the back of the room. “Well for those of you that know me from work, I am shit-bag Gavin.” He heard someone chuckling, probably agreeing with him, Tina smiled.

“Well, I am also Tina’s friend. I’ve known her for over 10 years now and I… couldn’t be happier for her. I remember eating shitty ramen and watching her get ready for her big date, freaking out over how her shoe looked or how her hair wasn’t good. I remember her coming back and looking like she had the time of her life.”

He went on and told some other stories of their relationship and him being their favorite third wheel. How Nora turned out to be allergic to cats and had to be rushed to the hospital the moment she set foot into their apartment. How Nora popped a Champaign bottle and the cork flew directly into Tina's face, hitting her eye. She wore a black eyepatch for a while.

Tina looked at her wife and held her hand, kissing it softly. “I think what makes those two goofballs perfect is how they came through for each other. Always supported one another. Some things are meant to be, and those are definitely one of them.” He paused and looked at the couple, “I wish the best for the both of you, you deserve it.”

“I am glad I got to be a part of your special day, it’s uh- an honor.” Fuck, he didn’t mean to stutter. Wait what was he going to say? He looked back to his paper, but he couldn’t focus, shit, shit, shit.

“Uh,” he gulped and looked around, everyone was still looking at him. Richard did too, he smiled at him and gave him a thumps-up. He closed his eyes for one second, collecting his thoughts. He opened them again, picked up the glass next to him and raised it.

“Let’s all raise a glass to our newlyweds.” And they did, some clapped and wooed. He gave the couple a quick hug and went back to his seat, his heart was finally slowing down.

“You were great.” Said, Richard. He felt his cheeks heat up a bit, “Yeah, I know.” He tried to shrug it off. “hmm, of course, you do.” Came Richard’s sarcastic remark.

Time passed and couples were dancing to the slow song that played. Gavin and Richard were still sitting in their place, the prior man was observing everyone; they seemed to have fun. Even Connor was out there on the dance floor.

“Wouldn’t you like to dance, Gavin?” Richard finally said as he fixed his tux. Gavin rolled his eyes, “You don’t have to fucking pity me okay? I don’t want any of that.”

The android raised his eyebrow, almost offended. “Pity you?” he questioned.

“Yes, stop it. I know you agreed to come with me but ya don’t have to pretend to like me.” He hissed, “Perhaps you should consider asking before making such assumptions, Gavin.” He hissed back.

“I came here with you because I wanted to, and I am asking you to dance because it’s what I would like to do. I would not be here if it was to simply throw you a pity party.” His LED was yellow, again.

“You wanted to come to the wedding, as my date?” He asked in disbelief, “Of course, why else would I be here?”

Oh. Shit, he did not expect this, at all. Richard got up and extended his hand to him, “Now, would you like to dance?”

He cursed internally when he froze again. He wasn’t some dumb teenager deep in love, it was just a dance, just a dance with someone that wanted to be his date. Holy shit.

He took his hand carefully, making sure he wouldn’t change his mind suddenly. Richard pulled him up and towards the dance floor. This felt ridiculous, why did he feel like he could give his whole life to this android?

“Do you even know how to dance?”

“Yes, I learned how to when you asked me to be your date.” He answered like it was the most obvious shit in the world. He held Gavin’s hand while the other rested on his shoulder, Gavin was getting a heart attack today.

Richard slowly leaned in as they swayed together and whispered, “Relax.” Was he some weird hypnotizer? why the hell did his words have this effect on him? “Some things are meant to be.”

“Huh?”

“As a river flows,” He continued, not breaking eye contact, “surely into the sea,” he moved closer, “Darling, so it goes,”

Being on fire would be accurate enough to describe how Gavin felt, this was wrong, this felt like a sin to him, why did he feel so much for an android?

“Somethings are meant to be.” He finished the chorus, “It was a part of your speech.” Oh, right. “I didn’t think you would enjoy this kind of music, Gavin.”

Gavin could feel disappointment wash over him, but he smirked nonetheless, “Well, I am full surprises.” They continued to dance, “It’s my pop’s and mom’s favorite song.” He confessed.

“I see.” They looked into each other’s eyes and Gavin wondered if this what it felt like to utterly defeated by love. To be so lost in someone you forget anyone else exists. If so, he wanted this to last for eternity.

He couldn’t help it, he thought. He can’t help this feeling that straight up invaded his heart, this fondness, this adoration, love, whatever they call it. He couldn’t help falling in love with an aloof andr- man.

They got closer now, he looked up at him and Richard did the same. Time froze and it was just him and this man that he’s fallen for. Something in him pushed him to be even closer and he instinctively put his arms around the taller man’s neck.

Neither of them said anything, just reveling in each other’s presence. But he wanted to say it, he wanted to let it out, but he just couldn’t.

“Is there something you want to say?” he probably analyzed him. “Well, uh, yes.”

“Can we go somewhere else? Somewhere private.” He pleaded and luckily Richard immediately complied, leading him to a surprisingly empty room.

He stood there, trying to collect his thoughts for a minute. The other man just stared at him, his LED still a dim yellow.

“You know how I am me and well, shit.” This was harder than what he thought, “I- uh. I think I care about you, no wait scrap that, I know it.”

He wished the ground would tear open and swallow him whole, Richard didn’t even react to what he said, at all.

“Shit, just, forget what I said. I’m gonna go outside for a while.” He rushed to leave he was pulled back, “I care about you too.”

It was simple. The words slipped out of his mouth with the same monotony. But one look could tell him his voice didn’t match how he felt. His LED was switching between red and yellow; his usual straight posture was now slightly bent.

“You, uh- sure?” He stuttered and Richard nodded, holding his hand. “You are ‘trash’.” Wow, how romantic. “You can’t control your temper and you can be as stubborn as a toddler, but.” He paused, “You are also kind, supportive and a good detective. Today proves it. I enjoy your company, no matter how ‘trashy it is. I love it.”

God, this was cheesy, like those romcoms he always made fun of. But damn if this didn’t mess him up in the best way possible. He laughed, earning an unamused look from his love. “Did I do it wrong? My research suggested I should be hones-”

Gavin waved his hand and got closer to him, “No, you dumbass. It was perfect.”

“Oh.” After that he tightly wrapped his hands around Gavin, slightly bending to put his head on his neck. The heat came back to his cheeks, but he returned the gesture anyway, loving every second of it.

Some things were really meant to be. Maybe this was it.

#badly written fluff everyone #reed900 #tina chen #rk900 #gavin reed #gavin reed x rk900 #im like.. trying to get used to writing them but i still feel like im not doing right rip.... #dbh #dbh imagine

[miraculousmidnightreviews]

There will definitely be an explanation for my review of reputation

Album: reputation 

Artist: Taylor Swift Rating: 5/5 stars

I would first like to preface this review with one fact: reputation is my favorite album by Taylor Swift. It should be noted that I did not rate this album based on the average of each individual song rating. (If I did, the actual album rating would be 4.5 stars.) But I felt that this album deserved more. So much more.

What I admire most about reputation is its honest introspectiveness. I think it’s safe to say that no one predicted this album to be The Next Taylor Swift Album. The lead single is distinctly not like previous Swift singles, providing an unexpectedly darker side to Swift. And the album cover is devoid of Swift’s usual bright or pastel colors. Yet what people brushed off as a risky and failed move designed to turn around Swift’s career, her reputation, became the most truthful album of her discography. 

At this point, whether you’re a fan of Swift or not, you can’t doubt her abilities. She knows how to create chart-topping hits; she knows how to pen heart-wrenching ballads; she’s done it before. And she’ll continue to do so for the rest of her career. But reputation was never meant to be the next 1989, the next record-breaking financial success (although it was to some extent). This album was meant to be something else entirely: an admittedly risky exploration that only Swift could pull off. 

And I respect that immensely. This album is honest, and it’s brave. It might not be her most sonically cohesive or lyrically complex album, but it wins anyways. I love that the songs are in chronological order as they pertain to Swift’s life, and while that means it can be hard to listen to the songs without skipping around, the album itself is a journey through Swift’s year of solitude, through her mind space and blossoming relationship, through her life away from the eyes of the public and the media. To me, it’s clear Swift wrote reputation not because she needed to stick to her schedule of releasing an album every other year, but because she just needed to cope with events in her life. I appreciate that maybe even more than the honesty: that Swift wrote this album because she needed it; she wrote it for herself and no one else.

In anticipation of Lover coming out on Aug. 23, I will be reviewing each of Swift’s albums up until the forthcoming album’s release. I can’t wait to listen to new TS music, and I hope these reviews will provide a wistful and refreshing glance at past eras as we look forward to a brand new one.

Continue reading below for my review of each individual song.

1) ...Ready For it?

Rating: 4/5 stars

*clears throat*

At first listen, I was unsure of the mix of rap and singing. But it’s now one of the songs from this album that I play when I’m in That Mood™.

Did I mention Taylor raps?!?

The pre-chorus is so “Wildest Dreams”-esque that I can’t. I just can’t. (Also, sexy!)

That Elizabeth Taylor reference!!! I love it when artists make pop culture references in their works. It gives me a dopamine rush.

As always, it’s nice to hear Swift play with the perception of herself. She’s just so great at turning her reputation as portrayed by the media into a clever and witty line or song.

i’M So vERy TAme nOW (Sarcasm on point. She did that.)

2) End Game (feat. Future & Ed Sheeran)

4/5 stars

Taylor raps! Pt. 2

BIG REPUTATION

I love the features on this one, and I’m very surprised by Future. But that’s Taylor Swift, keeping us on our toes.

This song includes the first of many references to alcohol from this album. A first for Swift, but all those who are surprised need to grow the fuck up. Because Swift certainly did.

Also, notice “End Game” has the first mention of gold, a motif that will continue throughout the album.

3) I Did Something Bad

Rating: 5/5 stars

Probably my favorite song from this album. The live performance was also my favorite of hers. 

badass vibes all the way

IF A MAN TALKS SHIT THEN I OWE HIM NOTHING

I am absolutely in love with the feminist-y witch metaphor in the bridge. Iconic.

Also cool that Swift was inspired by Game of Thrones for this and other songs from this album.

4) Don’t Blame Me

Rating: 5/5 stars

All the gospel feels

TAKE ME TO CHURCH, TAYLOR!!!

THAT high note

Once again, the honesty

5) Delicate

Rating: 5/5 stars

When the album first came out, this was the song that I immediately played the most and connected to. I just adore how she was able to take these universal feelings and put them into a song that anyone just starting a relationship can relate to.

The music video is so underrated. It’s so cute and happy and I just love it and her so much.

1 2 3, LET’S GO BITCH!!!!!!

The repetition of “isn’t it?” to reflect anxiety is, once again, an example of Swift’s lyrical genius.

6) Look What You Made Me Do

Rating: 4/5 stars

YOU’LL ALL GET YOURS

A lot of people did not like this song when it first came out and some still don’t. I happen to like it a lot. While the chorus is not my favorite, the verses bite with amazing zingers and that’s what hooks me.

I think when everyone first heard this song, we assumed the rest of the album would sound similarly: dark and filled with vengeance. But with the exception of a few songs, I would consider reputation to be one of Swift’s happiest albums. There are certainly dark overtones, but at its heart, reputation is an album about love and acceptance in the aftermath of Swift’s metaphorical death. If you consider 1989 for comparison, the composition of its songs (and even the album cover) present a romantic and hopeful facade, when actually, many songs have depressing lyrics about the fate of romantic relationships.

The bridge is so reminiscent of the bridge from Blank Space in a way. They give me similar vibes, except LWYMMD’s is the follow-up to that of Blank Space.

This song has one of my favorite music videos ever. I love when artists tell stories through their music videos, and Swift never fails at storytelling. (Also, a fantastic lyric video!)

7) So It Goes…

Rating: 2.5/5 stars

I feel like this song embodies what everyone expected from this album at first glance: dark, techno pop.

This one doesn’t really do much for me, but I enjoy the extended metaphor of the magician. 

Too much techno, in my opinion.

But sexyyy—“scratches down your back”

8) Gorgeous

Rating: 3.5/5 stars

This song gives me old Taylor vibes, just with a new production.

“Gorgeous” does such an excellent job at conveying the thoughts and feelings surrounding first attraction between two people.

“I guess I’ll just stumble on home to my cats.” Relatable.

Give the original lyrics a listen from Swift’s the making of a song video. They’re heartbreaking.

9) Getaway Car

Rating: 5/5 stars

Now this bitch is DEFINITELY old Taylor storytelling at its finest.

That Tale of Two Cities reference!

THat BRidGE!!!

“And a circus ain’t a love story. And now we’re both sorry.”

Just the complexity of feelings portrayed in this song is utter perfection.

Bonnie & Clyde!!!

This is one of those classic Taylor songs that you turn all the way up while driving down the highway at 70 miles per hour, screaming at the top of your lungs. GO GO GO!!

(not that I’ve ever done that. I follow all speed limits :))

10) King of My Heart

Rating: 4.5/5 stars

The only reason this song doesn’t get 5 stars is because I could have done without the added production (less techno plz).

The beginning always gets me. This and “Call it What You Want” have the saddest beginning lines on the album.

Overall, this is just cute af. Pure fluff.

“jAguARs”

The drums on tour were a wonderful bonus.

Also, the bridge. Swift writes some damn good bridges on this album and just in general.

11) Dancing With Our Hands Tied

Rating: 2.5/5 stars

This song, like “So it Goes…,” doesn’t really do much for me, even though it seems to be a fan favorite. I really preferred the acoustic version of this that she played on tour.

But I appreciate the versatility of her song topics as well as her voice.

12) Dress

Rating: 5/5 stars

First reaction while listening to this song: OMG TAYLOR!!! sexyyyyyy

Her voice *heart eyes*

The pre-chorus is so much fun to sing!!!

“I’m spilling wine in the bathtub” gives me high school party vibes for some reason lol

13) This is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

Rating: 4/5 stars

I really love everything about this song, except for the chorus. It just wasn’t as fun to sing along to as the rest of the song. (Although purposefully making it sound childish was an effective way to get her point across).

 That Gatsby reference!

love Love LOVE the tongue-in-cheek attitude

She missed the parties :(

14) Call It What You Want

Rating: 5/5 stars

so soft & pure

A recovery song is what we really deserve. I love that Taylot took this time for herself.

My heart just bursts when I hear this song. 

That feminist bridge tho—a mature and fulfilling continuation of “Love Story” in a way

15) New Year’s Day

5/5 stars

Bittersweet—the perfect closing song to this album

This song perfectly showcases Swift’s heartachingly beautiful songwriting talent. 

“please don’t ever become stranger whose laugh I recognize anywhere” really gets me.

With this conclusive song, I can say that Taylor Swift is truly happy and okay. And I’m so proud.

Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this review! Check out other reviews here!

#taylor swift #taylorswift #repuatationera #reputation #ts6 #ts7 #ts7 lover #ts #lover #lover era #my ediit #tsedit #music reviews #album review #book review blog #miraculousmidnightreviews #book blog #review #reviews #music

[rotationalsymmetry]

Commenting on without reblogging.

Everybody gets to decide for themselves how to run their lives, including what role technology in general and social media in particular plays in their lives.

Also, I think 99% of people complaining about social media is a sort of projection, “I suspect I’m using social media more than is good for me, but I don’t know how to talk about my feelings or express vulnerability so I’m going to talk about it in terms of societal decay.”

Anyways. For people who don’t want to cut back on social media use, np, you do you. For people who do, either in order to be more productive or to spend your leisure time differently, some suggestions:

Escapist behavior is often about avoiding negative feelings, so practicing acceptance, learning to feel your feelings, and practicing gratitude (and other ways to encourage positive feelings) often works better than going after the escapist behavior directly. Have compassion for yourself.

You can make it hard to access social media: deleting the app from your phone, moving around where the app is, turning your phone or laptop off when not in use (if possible) so it takes longer to start using social media, using an app that blocks your ability to use certain apps for certain time periods, etc. Getting yourself into a physical location where you don’t have internet access on the regular.

You can reduce barriers to doing other things instead, and/or give yourself positive reinforcement for doing other things (having a clear idea of what you want to do instead, leaving materials for your alternative activity in easy reach, aiming for streaks and other goals, etc)

I have found timers in general don’t work well for me, but it’s something to consider. I’ve found if I’m doing pomodoros, playing music during the pomodoro and having it off for the break encourages me to get back to doing the thing quickly. For some reason music followed by absence of music just keeps me from getting settled.

Structured procrastination: when you’re avoiding doing one project that you really need to get done by working on a different project.

I’ve noticed in the past that I tend to have “work” and “leisure”, and “leisure” tends to default to whatever activity takes the least effort to start doing and keep doing. That means things I do for fun that take some activation energy never happen. If you want to do things that take activation energy but aren’t “work”, you need some way to prioritize them or reward yourself for doing them. (This especially happens when my “work” takes a lot of activation energy or work/leisure divisions aren’t signaled by my environment, such as when I’m unemployed. Sometimes the underlying issue isn’t really fixable.)

Star stickers. Sparkly star stickers. I can’t believe that that works but it does. I am an adult with a fucking sticker chart and its specific form changes every so often but I’ve stuck with using it on a daily basis since January of this year and for me that is amazing consistency. And I learned that trick on social media.

Gamification in general: tracking streaks, having intermediary goals, big celebrations over little things.

If you live with someone, asking them to check in with you and ask if you really want to be doing that when they see you on social media. (I suggest having an understanding that this is a genuine question that you can say yes to, rather than asking someone else to police your behavior.)

An increase in social media use can be due to other things: less direct in person time, depression, ADHD, etc. Is there an underlying issue that you can deal with directly? (Even if there’s an underlying issue you might not be able to do anything about it (I spend a lot of time on social media because I’m a spoonie, and that’s not going to change any time soon) but knowing that there is an underlying issue can give you perspective.)

In particular, for ADHD you might want to figure out how to get more dopamine from other things: exercise, positive reinforcement, prioritizing activities that are hard to get started but very satisfying to do, etc.

“Fasts” where you plan on not going on social media for a specific period of time, like one day a week, possibly assisted by deleting the app off your phone. And/or having specific times of day (like right before bed when you’re tired and your willpower is low) when you plan on avoiding social media. (I sometimes put my laptop and phone away an hour or two before bed, but I haven’t done this consistently in a while.)

Or only having specific times when you let yourself be on social media (this has never worked for me.)

Closing tabs/windows on web browsers rather than leaving them up.

Back to the first point, sometimes being accepting and understanding of yourself works better than getting down on yourself for being on social media too much (even if you are on social media too much.) Have a plan for what to do if you start beating yourself up: deep breathing for a bit, journaling, CBT thought checking. Or writing down what went wrong, what led up to the situation, and what you can do differently next time.

Anyways, I hope this is helpful, feel free to reblog or add on. It is possible to basically like social media and still think it needs some trimming back every so often.

#tumblr #social media #commenting on without reblogging #cutting back on social media #life tips #life hacks #mental health #long post #swearing

[parasocialpod]

Buzz Feed, LMFT: Our New Marriage Counselor - Transcript

Follow along with the episode here if you’d like to!

Alex: If you haven't heard about Anchor, it's the easiest way to make a podcast. Let me explain. It's free, there's creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or computer, and Anchor will distribute your podcast for you so it can be heard on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and many more. You can even make money from your podcast with no minimum listenership. It's everything that you need to make a podcast in one place. So download the free Anchor app, or go to anchor.fm to get started.  

[Intro music]

Alex: Hi, I'm Alex.

Nick: And I'm Nick.

Alex: And this is Ice Cream Parasocial, the podcast that talks about as many different topics as there are flavors of ice cream.

Nick: Hell yeah. Uh, so a couple of quick updates: We're now on Apple podcasts! So if you've liked the show so far, please go over there if you have the ability to, go over there give us a five star rating. If you hated it give us a one star rating, I guess. Let us know what we're doing awful. [laughs]

Alex: If you hated it, then give us a five star rating and tell us what we're doing awful.

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: Um, it's reverse psychology. It really... [laughs] it-it'll still work out really well.

Nick: Right, um, and just because there was a little bit of confusion when we did post that we were finally on Apple podcasts; We are also on Anchor, Spotify, Breaker, Google Podcasts, Overcast, Pocket Casts, Radio Public, and we'll soon be on Stitcher. I'm still waiting on them to get back to me about having us on there but I've submitted all of the info.  

Alex: And we also have um, transcripts up on Tumblr.

Nick: Oh yeah! That's right! You made a Tumblr, I forgot about that.

Alex: Yeah, so like check out any and all of those things that you would like. Uh... what if we just started doing the thing like, um, like Justin Bieber did promoting "Yummy"?

Nick: [Snorts, then cackles]

Alex: [Laughing] Just like, give us a five star rating on Apple Podcasts! Um, also download a VPN. [Laughs] Get us to the top of the charts. If you live in another country download a VPN and set it to the United States. Put us on repeat while you sleep. [Laughs]

Nick: Yeah. So, if you could just make a couple of different accounts on Spotify?

Alex: [Laughs]

Nick: You know, change your gender every single time, make it make sure that it seems like it's a totally different person and just totally fuck up our analytics. But it's fine.

Alex: Yeah, we appeal to everyone.

Nick: We appeal to everyone. Um... [laughs] [diabolically] Yummy!

Both: [Laughs]

Nick: Um... but, yeah we've been getting really, really good feedback so far. I'm so amazed that anybody is listening to this, and that anybody actually enjoys it.

Alex: Yeah, God, me too.

Nick: And I'm really amazed that people are saying the things that I wanted them to say, too.

Alex: Yeah. Honestly.

Nick: You know? 'Cause what I really wanted this to be was as if we were just kind of hanging out with people, y'know? I really wanted it to be that it was like we were just friends hanging out at somebody's house and just kind of like, talkin', and that's literally the feedback that I've gotten back is just like... "Oh yeah I listened to your podcast! It was so cool! It felt like you guys are just there chattin'," and I'm like, "Oh, yes!"

Alex: I know!

That made me so happy! And also I uh, in my most recent therapy session, I told my therapist about the podcast [laughs] and he really liked the name, and that bought me a lot of-- that was just like, a nice hit of dopamine, you know? [laughs]

Nick: I know, now every time that I hear somebody even say the word parasocial I'm like "That's my word!"

Alex: That's the word!

Nick: [laughs] Um, but yeah,,  episode sounds different-- hopefully it sounds better I put a lot of work into this, but, for the first couple of episodes we were in the closet and--

Alex: [laughs] For the first couple of episodes we were straight.

Both: [laughing]

Alex: Oh it's actually kind of fitting that we came out of the closet for this episode.

Right?

[laughing]

Nick: But yeah we've been sitting in the closet and Alex and I both have issues with heat and it was so hot. So, you may have noticed towards the end of the last couple of episodes where it just kind of started to fall apart, that was because we were starting to die of heat stroke. But now we're out in the living room. Um, hopefully there's not too too much noise. We live on our really busy street and it's a really straight street that people love to go drag racing on.

Alex: Yeah, when we first moved in, we would like make jokes about that and just be like "Ah, people are drag racing again!" And then I downloaded Nextdoor and it turns out that it's like a literal documented like legal issue.-- [laughs]

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: It was people like illegal street racing on our street. Which is hilarious, by the way, because I um I telecommute and I have a job that is traditionally downtown. None of my coworkers downtown have the audio issues that I do, and we live in like the suburbs.

Nick: Right.

Alex: But it's a delight.

Nick: Yeah. I just heard someone go by on the other street and it's just...

Alex: It's fine.

Nick: Like, I think we should probably, if somebody goes by, keep in one for this episode just so that you can like... understand.

Alex: So you know what we go through.

Nick: But also since we're out in the living room and not holded up in the closet, we've got all of our pets with us!

Alex: Yes!

Nick: And so, you might hear us yell at one of them or--

Both: [laughing]

Alex: Oh god.

Nick: Or you might hear somebody making some noise. We'll try to keep it out, but, you know. Um, I guess just so that you know who they are, if we say one of their names; we've got-- we've got four. We've got two dogs and two cats. The dogs are Winston and Roxie. Winston is a rough Collie and he's four years old now. Um, and he's the baby. Roxie is 10 and she's a beagle terrier mix--

Alex: And she is a, I dunno, like a 52 year old woman on the inside, perhaps?

Nick: Yeah. She's, she's a cranky old lady.

Alex: Yeah. Like I have a secret theory-- or not a secret theory. I have a theory that she was like body swapped.

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: Like she is in like a Disney movie or something and she was like a professional woman, or something. Except you ended up finding her and adopting her, and now she lives in Oregon and she can't get back home to her family, and she just said fuck it. Because she went--

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: She underwent like no character change like she was supposed to. Like her "Freaky Friday" did not work. [laughs]

Nick: That's... very accurate.

Um, and then the cats we've got Rupert who is... 17?

Alex: Damn near. Yeah, he's turning 17 this October.

Nick: Okay. Yeah, he was 13 for like three years. And then I finally pointed out to Alex that he had been 13 for a couple of years, so now I just don't know how old he is.

Alex: Yeah... yeah I had to pretty much look it up because he was named after like a "Survivor" contestant. So I had to like find out how old he was by looking up the "Survivor" contestant and like the season of "Survivor" that that person was on,

Nick: [laughing]

Alex: which was 2003, so. [laughs]

Nick: And then finally, we have Ony, who is also 10? 10 to 12.

Alex: [laughs] She's like um, she's like uh... KO from "O.K. KO"

Nick: [unintelligible]

Alex: [laughing] She's-- She's-- 5 to 11.

Nick: Yeah... she's an enigma. She's sleeping on the table here, and if we try to get her to get off she immediately jumps back up, so she's just here. If you hear snoring, it's her.

Alex: It's fine.

Nick: Well, if you hear snoring it's her or Roxie.

Alex: Or Winston.

Nick: Yeah, but Roxie snores like an old man.

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: She could be in a different apartment and you'd still hear [mimics loud snoring]

Both: [laughing]

Alex: Oh lord.

Nick: So those are our pets! If you hear us talking about them that's who they are. Um, hopefully they don't make too too much noise but also hopefully they do come and visit, because [chuckles]

Alex: Yeah, they're pretty cute!

Nick: I want them to come say hi. Um. But yeah, hopefully this episode sounds good because I really don't want to go back in the closet. [laughs]

Alex: Right. Out and proud, baby!

Nick: Says every queer person ever: [whining] "I don't wanna go back!"

Alex: Yeah, it's way more comfortable in the living room. I get to sit on the couch.

Nick: Right. I get to sit not on the floor. I think the floor was really fucking up my back like extra bad. But anyways, um, into what this episode actually is--

Alex: Yes!

Nick: Um...

Alex: So speaking of being out of the closet: Nick and I are married!

Nick: We are.

Alex: Surprise! [laughs]

Nick: Right. Uh, contrary to popular belief we are not brothers.

Alex: [groans]

Nick: Um, I really debated ever saying that in the podcast because I know in the future it's going to come back and bite me in the ass, but--

Alex: I know. Like please, if we ever become popular by any sort of like-- I am begging you, like this is like not a bit, like jokes leave the room.

Nick: Right.

Alex: [laughing] Please do not make that a meme.

Nick: Right. Please do not make it a meme that we're brothers. We're not. I hate it so much. [laughs]

Alex: I got contact lenses because people kept thinking we were related. Dude, I love wearing glasses, I hate contacts so much. And I got contact lenses when we lived in Indiana because people kept thinking we were brothers.

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: That was like the only thing that stopped it.

Nick: Yeah! I don't know why!

Alex: It was fucked.

Nick: I'm just like... what, two white guys that are both five foot four and a little chubby can't also wear glasses and not be brothers? [laughs]

Alex: Right! Literally, it's like they just abhorred the thought of somebody being gay so much that their brain is just like "Oh God, Um, are you r-related?"

Nick: Yeah to the point that... um, I was with you for a doctor's appointment, and this lady in the elevator with us says nothing to us until she goes: "I've got twins at home!" And when I tell you I was confused--

[softly] Winston...

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: Now's not the time. [laughs]

He's literally looking at me like "What do you mean now is not the time to dig at the carpet? What the hell?"

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: Um but yeah so this lady looks at us as just like "I've got twins at a home!" And we both looked at her like "Oh that's nice. That's cool?"

Alex: "Good for you?"

Nick: I think that you, I think that you straight up were just like "Oh that-- that's cool. That's cool. Nice."

Alex: "Neat."

Nick: And then she looked at us and she was like "Oh! Are you, are you not twins?!" And we were just like [quietly] "Oh my fucking God."

Alex: [groans]

Nick: "A- brothers?" And we're like "No ma'am."

Alex: No ma'am.

Nick: And as she gets out of the elevator I'm like "We're married."

Alex: [chuckles]

Nick: And she turned so red that she almost turned purple. I like, when I think about it I get mad because I'm like who goes up to people and like just fully assumes that they're twins to the point that like you don't even ask if they are?

Alex: Right! That you're just like "I've got twins at home!"

Nick: Right, but then like seeing her turn that dark dark red I'm just like I embarrassed her enough that I can't be mad about it, but also like are you kidding me right now?

Alex: [chuckles]

Nick: But I think that now that I've got long hair and you've got short hair and... like,

Alex: We have very different fashion styles.

Nick: And we're-- I think that our fashion styles were starting to kind of become the same around that time, too. But now I'm kind of um edging back into a new goth phase, and you're like edging a lot more into like a kind of colorful more femme-y phase, people are like "Oh yeah no they're gay, I can tell."

Both: [laughing]

Alex: Oh, thank God. Like we're like every Tumblr post from like 2012 or whatever that was like,

Nick: Right!

Alex: I don't know like a like a probably haunted like black painted house next to like a pastel house

Nick: [laughing] Right?

Alex: And it's like get me a relationship like this! Like...

Both: [laughing]

Nick: Anyways! [ laughs]

Alex: Anyway!

Nick: That went off on a tangent and a half.

Alex: So our marriage [laughs]

Nick: So our marriage! Uh we're coming up on our two year anniversary. When this comes out, it'll be the day of or the day after, we're not totally sure.  Um... but, we're coming up on our two year wedding anniversary and our five year dating anniversary. So I think it's about time to find out if we're actually a good couple or not!

Alex: Right, And who better to ask than Buzzfeed and astrology.

Nick: Mhmm!

Alex: [laughs] Okay, just before we get canceled by the astrology crowd I am not knocking astrology, and I love it!

Nick: Oh yeah, absolutely. It's definitely one of those things that I make fun of because I love it so much, you know? Where it's just like that's how I show my love is that I make fun of things.

Alex: Yeah, just ask me.

Nick: Like I... [chuckles] That's just how it is, you know? Uh, I mean, now don't take that-- If I make fun of somebody that's like doing terrible things I'm not making fun of them because I love them I'm making fun of them because they're an asshole.

Alex: Oh yeah!

Nick: Um...

Alex: You can tell the difference.

Nick: You can, absolutely But for the most part I tend to make fun of things that I genuinely do love and I really do love astrology and tarot and all of that stuff I think that it's really neat. And I think that it is... it is something that I have gone to for guidance, being somebody that isn't um, strictly any kind of religious um... and it's definitely helped me get through some stuff. And so I feel like I have a right to make fun of it. [laughs]

Alex: Oh yeah, absolutely. Absolutely! Same here.

Nick: As someone that has spent hours and hours and hours reading things about it, very seriously. [laughs]

Alex: Yeah! Oh yeah, me too. As somebody that has definitely more than once called to you from the other room and been like "Fucking Astro Matrix has got me again! Who is spying on me at Astro Matrix?"

Nick: [whining] "The cards called me out!"

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: "God, can you believe that-- what this card just fucking said to me?"

Alex: [whining] "Baaaabe, God..."

Nick: Yeah, so our... our first quiz is uh gonna make or break our relationship. It's called "We know if you've cheated in your relationship based on how much you like these nail designs."

Alex: Alright, I am shaking.

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: 'Cause like personally, I know that I haven't. But apparently Buzzfeed knows more about me than I do, so like if I sleep walked or something...

Nick: [laughing] If you sleep cheated?

Alex: [laughing] If I sleep cheated or something, I'm going to find out!

Nick: I mean, let's be real, I'm a lot more likely to have sleep cheated.

Alex: Oh yeah, that's true. You do a lot of shit in your sleep.

Nick: I am so amazed that I haven't woken up outside before.

Alex: Yeah!

Nick: Because I will be in bed and wake up in the kitchen. And like... I-I-It's genuinely kind of scary sometimes where I'm just like-- I'll wake up not only in the kitchen, but halfway through a sandwich.

Alex: Yeah, like I can have a whole conversation with you sometimes.

Nick: Yeah! Like I'll walk out of the bedroom and you'll still be awake doing something, and you'll just be like "Hey hon. What's going on?" And I'll say something. And then the next morning you'll be like "Oh yeah like we talked about that thing last night!" I'm like "No we fucking did not!"

Alex: [chuckling] You did not talk to ME about it.

Nick: Right!

Alex: You talked to whatever entity occupies my body after I fall asleep, but...

Nick: Right! I'm just like I know that I have bad memory, but it's not that bad. And we did not speak last night, I passed out at this time and then I was done. You're just like "N-n-no, you woke up at 2:00 AM and started talking jibberish." And I'm like "No I didn't."

Alex: "You started speaking in tongues, and I--"

Both: [laughing]

Nick: Um... but yeah. So I am a lot more likely if-- if sleep cheating's a thing I probably have done it. And I guess Buzzfeed is about to tell me if I've sleep cheated.

Alex: All right, let's find out.

Nick: [chuckles] So, what it says: "Our rules are simple. Use the sliding scale to rate each nail look. Thumbs down emoji means you really dislike the design, shrugging emoji means you neither hate it or love it, and 2 fire emojis mean that you absolutely love it."

Alex: All right!

Nick: Um... so the very, very first one is short, square nails that are painted like an off white?

Alex: Yeah, kind of like a matte.

Nick: Yeah, like a matte off white. I like them.

Alex: I'm... kind of into them, I-- Hmm, I don't know. I wouldn't really use them for myself so I'm going to put like a little bit-- I don't know I'm going to say maybe like 45%.

Nick: [chuckles] Okay. Nails... Nail set number 2! Is another short kind of boxy cut and they've got what is it like Chevron? Chevron, yeah?

Alex: Yeah, I'd say that that's like Chevron.

Nick: Okay, cool. So yeah, so it's like a Chevron pattern and there's a turquoise triangle and then like a purple-y one and then a pink one. And then the index and pinky fingers are both gold with sparkles on top of the turquoise triangle. [quietly] I don't like it.

Alex: I really like these.

Nick: [snorts] I can tell that a lot of work went into them, so I appreciate them, but I don't like them.

Alex: Yeah this was absolutely a look that I would very much wear. I'm going to say like full like 90%, I like them a lot.

Nick: Yeah I'm at like 40%, I think. 'Cause I appreciate the hard work that went into it. Like it's very well done,

Alex: Mhmm!

Nick: But I just don't like the colors.

Alex: That is totally fair.

Alright, number three: We've got kind of like lengthier nails with kind of like an oval tip, perhaps?  Um that's kinda like a French manicure, maybe?

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: Um... where the bottom is kind of like a natural, like the nail, nail is kinda like a natural kind of pinky color. And then the like manicure tip is um kind of like an oceanic sort of vibe um kind of like almost a shell pattern? It's pictured next to some shells and it's like blue and purple.

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: I don't really like these very much.

Nick: Yeah, this is another one where I'm like I can tell that a lot of work went into this but I just don't like it. But I like it better than the last ones.

Alex: That's so funny. Yeah I am going to go for like 20% because I feel like a lot of work went into them but I--I don't know.

Nick: I just do not vibe.

Alex: I just do not vibe with these very much. This does not pass the vibe check.

Nick: Yeah, I'm like a little bit over halfway with it. I'm just like, I... I can see why somebody would like them, but I don't.

Alex: That's fair!

Nick: Uh, the next one is that Stiletto? Stiletto nail? Th--The sharp-y one?

Alex: Yeah I'd say--

Nick: The sharp-y one. [chuckles] Um and it's that same kind of French tip thing where there's a natural on the nail, and then... the-- it's honestly a lot like the last one,

Alex: Mhmm!

Nick: But it's a little bit more of a turquoise blue and it's a stiletto nail.

Alex: Yeah... I don't know what's so different about this one that it's like doing it for me?

Nick: Right, I like this one a lot more.

Alex: I'm gonna go like 75%, I liked this guy.

Nick: Yeah, I'm about the same.

Alex: [quietly] Ooh, I like these motherfuckers!

Nick: Oh, the next ones?

Alex: Yeah It's kinda like a um, sorta like a grass pattern. It's like a kind of like a matte white base with various colors of green stripes painted over them, sort of like a grass texture.

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: I really like these shits. I'm going to go like fully 90%. I would rock these.

Nick: Yeah, they're... it--It's really frustrating because up close I really, really like it, but I can definitely see it being a little bit further away and looking God awful.

Alex: Oh that's a good point

Nick: So I'm at like 75%.

Alex: That's a good point. Yeah, I'm going to knock it down too. 'Cause I feel like now that I think about holding them like, at arm's length I'm like Oh that might look not... fabulous.

Nick: Right... [chuckles] hashtag not fab!

Alex: Hashtag not fab.

Nick: What if we just... What if we started just a nail podcast--

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: where we just described nails and we just either "These are hashtag fab" or "These are hashtag not fab"

Alex: [laughs] A nail podcast except we never actually learn any of the like technical terms. And it's like exactly this level of skill.

Both: [laughing]

Alex: It's just like "I don't know It's like a nail, and it's kind of square on the end."

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: "Uh..."

Nick: Just "Ah, this--these ones are like they're like long but they're not too long... um, and they're like.... [sighs] you know?"

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: "I'm going to say that they're hashtag not fab. Next!" [laughs]

Alex: "Next!"

That's so funny.

Nick: Uh, so the real next one is a squared off long nail and it's orange and it has black and white speckles towards the base of the nail except for the pinky nail where it goes all the way up. I feel like they'd be cool for Halloween?

Alex: Yeah...

Nick: But nothing else.

Alex: Yeah... 'cause I feel like I like it for this specific shot. But then I think about having them and it gives me a little panic attack thinking about doing anything practical.

Nick: Yeah, they're just beyond that length of practicality.

Alex: Yeah. Where it's like I'm not one of those people that's like I would never wear anything that's like impractical but it's like they're not cute enough for me to [chuckles] to commit to that. So I'm going to go like full middle, I think.

Nick: Yeah, I'm a little bit below the middle.

Alex: This next look is just straight up gold nails, and I do this look a lot. So I'm going to go like full a hundred percent 'cause that'd be a hypocrite if I didn't. [laughs]

Nick: Yeah. I'm at like 90 I, I think that they're really classic but they're also very shiny.

Alex: They're very shiny.

Nick: I feel like... so the way that this picture is taken is the person is holding gold tinsel, and it's just a lot of gold like that. So I feel like seeing it with the outfit that the person was wearing might make it-- might make me feel a little better? It also just the way that that it's painted looks like these nails got photo-shopped on--

Alex: Yeah it kinda does!

Nick: Which also makes me feel like... or like they did um face tuning to their nails 'cause there's no wrinkles.

Alex: [laughing] Oh God. Yeah, you've got a good-- ugh.

Nick: [quickly] Moving on! Uh,

Alex: [disgusted] Oh, mm... mm-mm.

Nick: Okay These next ones are elaborate

Alex: These are fucking rad! And 100%. I love it. You don't have I mentioned the thing where I'm just like I won't ever necessarily be like "Oh yeah these are impractical, so I wouldn't do it. And it has to be like cool as hell for me to commit to that." This is-- this is that. 'Cause it's like um it's kind of almost like frosted glass cause it's not quite matte and not quite glossy but it's sort of like...

Nick: The base is white, and there's like a yellow half circle at the base of the fingernail, And then it's got that-- It's a short stiletto cut.

Alex: Mhmm.

Nick: Um, and th-the tip of it is blue it's another, it's another turquoise one. And then there's a bunch of rhinestones in the middle with a bunch of little decorations on them.

Alex: Kind of like a clockwork-y sort of design kind of like a clockwork sort of gemstone...

Nick: Yeah!

Alex: Sorta look.

Nick: And this one's clearly like very intricate, and I very much appreciate it.

Alex: [chuckles]

Nick: So I'm also going with like 100%. This is awesome.

Alex: Dope.

Nick: I'm really mad at how serious we're being about this. Just like "Oh no no no listen."

Alex: I know! Like I kind of forgot about like what the quiz was about...

Nick: [laughing] I know!

Alex: Now I'm just like in it I'm like "Oh fuck yeah"

Nick: Just "Mm yeah, these nails are not fab."

Alex: These nails? Not fab.  

Nick: THESE nails? Hashtag fab.

Alex: Hashtag fab!

Nick: [chuckles] Um, the next ones... they have a lot going on.  

I don't like them.

Alex: I would like them if the... okay. So, it's kind of like a... the base, base of most of the nails are kind of like a baby pink. Um, and there's like a gold accent across the pinky middle and index finger with like the kind of is like a gold ring almost.

Nick: Mhmm.

Alex: Um and like a light like kind of almost muddy baby blue on the tip of the index and pinky finger. The middle finger is the same baby pink, and then the um ring and thumb are just sort of like a cacophony.

Nick: Yeah! They kind of look like--

Alex: It's like a grandma's couch.

Nick: Yeah! Like a really old like not Rattan couch, but like... woven couch?

Alex: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Nick: It looks like an old grandma couch on the thumb and the ring finger. Almost every single finger has a different pattern slash color on it, and it's just-- it's a lot.

Alex: Yeah... like I feel like there's something that's just like oddly stressful to me about this. And it's like, if every finger had a different texture, I would like it. If every finger like had the same texture, I would like it. But since it's so different in every aspect like even in the aspect of them all not being different like I'm like "Oh, I hate this. I hate this so much."

Nick: But it's frustrating because I can tell a lot of work went into it, but I hate it. So it just doesn't matter, because I hate it.

Alex: Yeah, same.

Nick: Um, the next one is short square cut nails um with a white background and painted on top on the middle finger is a little flamingo, and on the ring and pointer finger are some leaves and then the thumb and pinky are just plain white.

Alex: These are cute!

Nick: Yeah! I really like these. Like, it's another one where like from further away I can see them getting really muddied and kind of awkward looking. But these are nails that are very, very clearly not meant to be looked at from far away, because they're so detailed and so um, tiny.

Alex: Mhmm.

Nick: So, I still love them. This is so cool.

Alex: Yeah! I'm going with like an 85% 'cause like I definitely agree... No I'm going with like 90%.

Nick: Yeah I went with like 90, too.

Alex: Cause I feel like unlike the other ones um, which I feel like would kind of get muddy from a distance, these ones if you were like at a distance you could see that they were like something.

Nick: Right.

Alex: Whereas the other ones I might be like " Oh did you draw on yourself a little bit?"

Nick: [chuckles] "Oh what happened there, buddy?"

Alex: Yeah... Aww, these are kind of cute!

Nick: Oh, I think these  are really cute!

Alex: These are pretty cute, yeah.

Nick: Uh, so it's a clear base and each nail has a different part of a pink flower on it, with a little bit of green leaves. And it looks like the middle and ring fingers have the same picture but like cut in half, and then the other fingers have little buds of the flower on them...

Alex: Mhmm.

Nick: And if this was hand painted then like I'm going to lose my mind, that's so cool. So I'm going to pretend that it's hand painted, because I don't want to break my own heart.

Alex: [chuckles]

Nick: So I'm giving it like 100%. It's two full flames.

Alex: I don't know, I just don't really like the clear bases very much.

Nick: That's, that's very fair. I understand that.

Alex: Oh yeah, I don't like this next one.

Nick: Which is so funny, because I kind of do.

Alex: I wonder which one of us cheated. [laughs]

Nick: Right! So the next one is um a pretty matte c-- almost clear base. It's one of those where it's not quite clear but it's meant to look clear. Um... and they're short nails and they have black french tips, and then on the middle and pinky finger-- this is the part that I don't like, at the very base there's like a half circle filled in with black. And that kind of just like it's like you got a bruised finger.

Alex: Yeah, that looks like you have an infection.  

Nick: I think that without those, I would like it a lot more.

Alex: Me too.

Nick: But because it has those

I'm going a little bit below the middle.

Alex: I'm like full thumbs down I hate that.

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: It makes me so uncomfortable.

Nick: That is understandable. The next one is sparkly silver. They're kind of they're, they're not super long but they're just little bit long.

Alex: These are very party city to me.

Nick: They are very party city. And this is another one where it looks like they photo-shopped her fingers to not have any wrinkles on them. [laughs]

Alex: Yeah! What is with the sparkle nails?

Nick: That, that one gets a thumbs down, I don't like that one.

Alex: Yeah, this gets a thumbs down from me.

Nick: That one makes me uncomfortable.

Alex: Yeah, and I don't-- Okay. Again, I don't have anything wrong with like cheap shit I got my gold nail polish for like $2, I think. But I just do not like this like aesthetic very much.

Nick: No...

Alex: I kinda like these next ones, kind of into them. Because it's sort of like a traditional set of like red nails where the... index finger and pinky finger are um, kind of inverse colored from one another. one of them is black background white polka dots, one of them is white background black polka dots.

Nick: Yeah, I really like this one because it's cohesive.

Alex: Yeah I like this a lot.

Nick: The other ones where there were different designs on different nails, weren't super cohesive. But I feel like having most of the nails be that, that classic cherry red and then having a couple of um... stand out nails that are black and white I--I think that that looks really nice so that one's getting like a hundred percent from me, I love it.

Alex: Yeah, me too. These next ones I'm... into, but I feel like these are the nails that are gonna mean I cheated.

Nick: [ snorts]

Alex: I don't know why, I just am getting that vibe.

Nick: [laughs] Yeah, well, the thing is I don't like these nails.

Alex: Oh!

Both: [laughing]

Nick: Uh, so, they're square cut just a little bit longer than the fingertips and they're pink?

Alex: They're like super pink.  

Nick: And then they've got black tips.

Alex: Mhmm.

Nick: And then--

Alex: Kind of like a gold cuticle.

Nick: Yeah, like a gold cuticle. I don't like the cuticle.

Alex: That's fair.

Nick: That's the part that just loses me, is when it's just that like little half circle just above the cuticle.

Alex: That's fair. Yeah, like it loses a few points for me for that...

Nick: And so I'm at like 20% it's almost a thumbs down, but not quite.

Alex: That's fair I feel like if it were brighter I would like it more, but just like... it's just another thing where it looks a little infected. Uh so I'm gonna give it like 60%.

Um and then our very last one!

Nick: Oh yeah.

Alex: Home stretch! We've got a pink index nail, a purple pinky nail, and a marbled pink purple white and black and kind of like gray Uh middle finger and ring finger. I really like this, I think that's cute.

Nick: I'm pretty-- I'm straight up in the middle about it. I think it's fine. I don't hate it I don't love it, it just is.

Alex: That is fair. These kind of give me a lot of like 2012 vibes.

Nick: Yeah, I think that that's kind of why I'm like "Eh, it's fine" is 'cause it definitely gives me like almost 10 year old fashion vibes

Alex: [chuckles]

Nick: Um... and I'm just like eh it's not really for today, but I've definitely seen people with those nails.

Alex: Yeah. These nails are like a C plus for me, y'know.

Nick: Yeah. Are we ready to find out who cheated?

Alex: Alright. Okay.

Nick: Three,

Alex: Two,

Both: One.

Alex: [ laughs]

Nick: What'd you get?

Alex: " You've absolutely cheated before."

Nick: [Cackles] You motherfucker!

Alex: " Wow! The truth has come out [chuckles]. Based on your nail choices, we can say with absolute certainty that you have been dipping your toe outside the relationship."

Nick: [Snorts, then laughs]

Alex: [Holding back laughter] "We won't even ask for the juicy details, but just know that we know. Now-- [laughs] now, you might as well share this with your significant other to find out if they're guilty as well. Don't worry. We're right here for you."  So, how about you?

Nick: I... am so fucking mad at you. How could you do this to me?

Alex: [Laughing] Oh no.

Nick: How could you do this to us? [Sighs dramatically] I... have not cheated.

Alex: [ Laughs]

Nick: Ph...physically. [Mumbles] I haven't physically cheated.

Alex: [ Snort-laughs]

Nick: But they say that I've probably cheated emotionally.

Alex: That's so specific! [Laughing]

Nick: Yeah, that's literally what it says. "You haven't physically cheated, but you've probably cheated emotionally. Alright, so you've never done super sneaky things in a relationship. But you're definitely far from being wholesome."

Alex: What?! [Wheezing]

Nick: "In fact-- [chuckles] In fact, to some people you've committed the ultimate crime, worse than physical cheating: emotional cheating. But maybe you're a changed person now, and you're acting right. Or maybe not *squints eyes*. I don't even know what to say, but now I know your secret."

Alex: Oh my God!

Nick: So I guess we've both at least a little bit cheated.

Alex: Apparently. So we're on even...ish?

Nick: [Laughs]

Alex: Ground.

Nick: We're on even-ish ground, but we probably shouldn't be together.

Both: [ Laughing]

 Nick: Um, well... I guess since uh, since we're leaving each other, it's time to do the Buzzfeed quiz of "Tell Me How You Like to Brunch, and I'll Tell You the Type of Romantic Partner You Need" since we're going to be moving on from eachother now.

Alex: No, we're not moving on!

Nick: Oh, okay. Well--

Alex: We'll just-- this is how we know what, uh, we need to be like, so that we won't need to cheat on each other anymore.

Nick: Oh okay. This is who we need to become.

Alex: This is who we need to become [chuckles].

Nick: So that we can stay together?

Alex: So that we can stay together. Cause like, we're quarantining together. So like, we can't go anywhere.

Nick: I have a car.

Alex: Oh yeah, I guess you're right.

Nick: I don't have a job, but I have a car.

Alex: Yeah, that's a good point.

Both: [Laughing]

Nick: So the first one: "Let's start easy. When are you going to brunch? Saturday, Sunday, both days, or during the week?"

Alex: During the week, are you kidding me?

Nick: Uh yeah same, I don't go anywhere on the weekend.

Alex: Fuck the weekend, dude.

Nick: I hate weekends. I hate how many people are out. Even before... everything went down with pandemic shit.

Alex: Oh, yeah.

Nick: I hated the weekends.

Alex: Oh yeah. Oh yeah. And like... obvious, but like, this is outside of COVID times. We would not go to brunch at all during...

Nick: No.

Alex: Cause, if this was during COVID times, and this is brunch at home which is any time I feel like it.

Nick: Right. I think we're literally planning on having brunch for dinner tonight, so.

Alex: Literally.

Nick: It's all good.

Alex: Vegan French toast. Vegan challah French toast. Homemade challah. What's up.

Nick: That's right. I'm so excited.

Alex: I know, me too.

Nick: Okay, we need to get this done.

Alex: Yes.

Both: [Laughing]

Nick: Uh... "What time are you going to brunch? As soon as the restaurant opens, around 11:00 AM, around 1:00 PM, or around 3:00, that's still brunch, right?"

Alex: Um... I feel like we're either the type of people that we're like-- or I guess like we were doing this like, independently.

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: Yeah, I feel like I prefer like, as soon as the restaurant opens, again because people.

Nick: Right. I... I don't like waking up that early. So, I'm going to say 1:00, cause I feel like that's usually when people start to kinda stop being there, like it's right before lunch rush.

Alex: That is a good point.

Nick: So I'm going to go with that. "Are you getting anything to drink?"

Alex: Mmm.

Nick: "Mimosas, maybe an alcoholic drink, coffee, tea, et cetera, or 'I'll stick with water?'"

Alex: Coffee, tea, et cetera.

Nick: Uh, I'm going to stick with water. Water is great. That's how you can tell that you're a real adult, is when you choose water.

Alex: Water is great, but also, if they have like, a fancy coffee?

Nick: Oh yeah, I guess if they have a fancy coffee.

Alex: Yeah. If they have like a fancy coffee or like complimentary coffee.

Nick: Mmmmm.

Alex: Either end of the coffee scale.

Nick: Yeah, okay, I'm going to go with coffee, you got me.

Alex: [Chuckles]

Nick: Uh, "What are you ordering from the menu? Something very breakfast related like eggs, toast, granola, et cetera, something more hearty like steak, ham, et cetera, uh, something light like a salad, or honestly a combination of things".

Alex: Ah... I'm going to go very breakfast related, I think.

Nick: Yeah, I feel like every time that I have quote unquote brunch it's really just late breakfast.

Alex: Oh yeah, same.

Nick: And so it really confuses me when people do, uh, literally anything else. I'm like, it's breakfast!

Alex: Right?

Nick: Bitch!

Alex: I'm just like, why would you go to brunch and order lunch?

Nick: Right? Just go to lunch.

Alex: Right? Like, just go to lunch!

Nick: [Laughs]

Alex: If you go to brunch and get a salad, I'm sorry, we cannot-- I guess we can be friends, like, eh, dietary habits are whatever, but just know that you are weak.

Both: [Laughing]

Nick: Uh, "Pick a food that speaks to your soul." Uh, there's a picture of... eggs on toast and... potatoes?

Alex: It looks like some mozzarella and like uh... some like fresh mozzarella... and like a...

Nick: I dunno, it's not that important.

Alex: Eh, it's some potatoes.

Nick: Um, and then there's an omelet, and then there's pancakes, and then there's one for the alcoholics: "none of these, bring me more drinks".

Alex: These pancakes...

Nick: Yeah, those pancakes look really good. And also... I'm vegan. [chuckles]

Alex: [ Snorts] Uh, yeah. I'm vegan...??

Nick: So the eggs... I don't-- well, I guess that there are vegan eggs.

Alex: Yeah. Like, you could imagine that they're vegan. Or like whatever the vegan equivalent might be.

Nick: Mmmm.

Alex: Like a tofu scramble, or something. Or not a tofu scramble, but like, you know.

Nick: Yeah. In that case, I'm going to go with the first one that's got potatoes and stuff, actually. I don't like having that much sugar.

Alex: Yeah, that's fair.

Nick: Um... "How sacred is brunch to you?" Uh, I don't care about any of these answers. That-- I don't give a shit. It's fine.

Alex: [Laughs]

Nick: Brunch is cool. That's the answer that I...

Alex: Brunch is a great experience.

Nick: Brunch is cool. And that was the last one. And so I got: "you need someone who likes to laugh".

Alex: Yeah!

Nick: So I guess that is you.

Alex: We made it!

Nick: [Laughs]

Alex: I got... "someone who communicates".

Nick: Mm. Alright, I do my best.

Alex: Yeah. You communicate!

Nick: [Chuckles]

Alex: Hell yeah. Alright!

Nick: And so I guess we're back on being like, alright, we're fine.

Alex: We're fine.

Nick: We've forgiven the cheating.

Alex: We've forgiven.

Nick: Because this other quiz says that we're right for each other.

Alex: Yeah. Exactly. And now it's going to guess our relationship status based on how we can complete words.

Both: [Snort-laughing]

Nick: Complete this word: "space A-L-L"

Alex: "Fall, ball, or call?" Ball! All day.

Nick: I'm saying fall. Um...

Alex: [Chucking]

Nick: Complete this word: "space A-N". I'm saying ba--... oh, they don't have "ban". Uh. Damn.

Alex: [Laughing] Your block-happy ass.

Nick: Yeah, my block happy ass.

Alex: Ban! Ahh.

Nick: I-- I keep seeing people on Twitter, like people that-- I'll go to block somebody, uh, that's just being a dick on Twitter not even to me but to somebody else, and I'm just like... "I don't want this person to interact with me in the future". And I'll go to their profile to block them, and in their bio there will be something that says "blocking's for pussies." And I'm like, all right, well... I guess I am!

Alex: Right! Exactly!

Nick: Bye! I'm just like I would so much rather not have to ever deal with you than, like. I'm just like... do you really think that it affects me, that you of all people are calling me a pussy?

Alex: Exactly!

Nick: [Laughs] Cause guess what? Now I don't have to hear you anymore. [Snorts]

Alex: For real! Like, now I don't have to hear what you have to say. That's cool. [Laughs] Now I don't have to hear what you have to say, and I know that Megan thee Stallion loves me. So.

Both: [Laughing]

Nick: Right.

Alex: Um... B-A: Bag, Bad, or Bat?

Both: Bat.

Alex: L space G:

Both: Leg.

Alex: [Chuckles] --Lag, or Log. Leg.

Nick: Space E-A-D.

Alex: Dead!

Nick: Dead!

Both: [Laughing]

Nick: Space E-L-L.

Both: Hell.

Alex: Fight!

Nick: Fight! [Chuckles] This one--

Alex: Space "ight".

Nick: That one was space I-G-H-T. Fight!

Alex: [Laughs] Space O-G.

Nick: Dog.

Alex: Hog.

Nick: Oh I accidentally clicked on fog! No! Fuck! [Clicking noises] Alright. Well.

Alex: [Laughing] What did you get?

Nick: Not even interested in dating right now.

Alex: Same. Which I guess is technically true? [Laughing]

Nick: I... yeah. I'm not interested in dating. [Chuckles]

Alex: I'm not interested in dating. I am married.

Nick: Right? [laughs]

Alex: I am not dating! [laughs]

Nick: Like, those things aren't mutually exclusive, but I'm not interested in dating right now.

Alex: Right!

Nick: You think I want to go be, uh, within 20 feet of another human? Fuck no!

Alex: Right. Like, I'm good with being within 20 feet of you and that's all.

Nick: Yeah. But no closer.

Alex: Everyone else, do not interact in person.

Nick: [Chucking] Yeah.

Alex: You may interact otherwise, please, God.

Both: [Laughing]

Nick: Alright. And then the last Buzzfeed quiz that we've got is: "Which Zodiac Sign Are You Most Compatible With?"

Alex: Alright!

Nick: Um.

Alex: So, we're hoping for different answers on this one.

Nick: Yeah. We're hoping for different answers on this one. I am a Leo, but I'm technically on the Leo-Virgo cusp, so.

Alex: And you are very... if you look up Leo-Virgo cusp traits, it's all Nick.

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: Cause I know you're Leo-Virgo cusp sun, and then for whatever reason I remember your rising sign but not your moon sign.

Nick: [Snort-laughs]

Alex: So that's fucking weird. I think you're Libra rising, and then Scorpio... right. Er-- Scorpio rising. Libra moon. That's right.

Nick: I... I'm proud of you, because I don't know that shit.

Alex: [Laughs]

Nick: Um. So the first  question: "Which trait do you find the least tolerable: jealousy, impatience, pessimism, laziness, sensitivity, or secrecy?"

Alex: The least tolerable...

Nick: Uh, for me it's secrecy. I hate secrets, I hate not being in the loop. It gives me so much anxiety.

Alex: That is fair! Um I would say like... ugh. That's hard. This is hard! Uh... jealousy? Maybe? Sure.

Nick: That's fair.

Alex: Yeah. "How do you deal-- er, how do you react when conflict arises: try to play peacemaker, become upset and anxious, choose a side and jump to their defense, play both sides, join the conflict, or remain neutral?"

Nick: Um... For me it depends on the conflict? But typically I do, I will become upset and anxious, I'm not going to lie.

Alex: [Chuckles] Literally, me too.

Nick: Yeah. Which is why we just... we don't get into conflicts, because it's just, it's not worth it. Cause we both just kind of "uh I don't know!"

Alex: Right? Like, that's why we communicate.

Nick: Right.

Alex: Both because it's healthy, and also because [chuckles] I hate conflict so much. [Laughs]

Nick: Right. Absolutely.

Alex: "What was your favorite school subject: Math, English, Art, P.E., History, or Science?"

Nick: Man, I don't remember. That was a long time ago. I know it wasn't P.E.--

Alex: [Chuckles] Right? Fuck.

Nick: --and I know it wasn't History. But all of the rest of them were about the same.

Alex: Um... I feel like I always started off really strong in English but then they'd get really disappointed in me for not turning shit in, cause they expect you to turn shit in, so probably Art.

Nick: Yeah, that's super fair.

Alex: Cause all of the rest of them kind of never started off very strong, necessarily? Except maybe History so I'll say Art. I usually did well in Art.

Nick: I'm gonna say Math because I-- until the higher levels that I started doing in like, junior and senior year of high school, I didn't have to try.

Alex: That's fair.

Nick: So, that was probably my favorite thing, cause I didn't even have to...

Alex: [Chuckles]

Nick: Um... "How do you show affection: physical contact, grand gestures, playful mocking--"

Alex: [Laughs]

Nick: "--meaningful words, unspoken loyalty, or 'I hate showing affection'?" Mine is... I'm between playful mocking and unspoken loyalty.

Alex: Mhmm.

Nick: Cause I've definitely been described as loyal, but also... I started this episode saying that when I love things I make fun of them.

Alex: Yeah, like, actively. [Laughs]

Nick: Yeah. I'm gonna go with playful mocking.

Alex: Yeah. I would say... man, I really wish that this was more of like a languages of love thing.

Nick: Mhmm.

Alex: Cause grand gestures isn't the exact thing, but I feel like I like doing the uh... fuck. What's it called? It's like--

Both: Acts of service?

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: But I guess outside of that... like... I guess that would be like, the loyalty thing maybe? Or maybe... I guess, meaningful words is probably the next highest one that I would find on this list.

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: Cause I talk a lot. [Snorts] Talk a lot of shit.

Nick: [Laughs] "Which of these is most important in your day to day life: being organized, being creative, being liked, being right, being the center of attention, or being independent?" Hmm. For me, I would probably say being creative. I feel like that's the most important thing for me to be able to do.

Alex: Yeah Cause I'm in between creative and independent. I would say probably like, creative.

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: "What is your favorite genre of film: comedy, horror, romance, musical, documentary, or thriller?"

Nick: Uh, mine's a comedy a hundred percent.

Alex: Oh yeah, that's fair.

Nick: Like, I also feel like I really love it when comedy bleeds into other ones?

Alex: Mhmm!

Nick: Like, that's my favorite is like, comedy hybrids.

Alex: Oh yeah, same. Yeah, I think I'm going to go with comedy, because I feel like every other kind of genre of movie that I like has to have some element of comedy for me to like it? Because I feel like-- quick side tangent-- Um, I feel like that is the best way for me to end up actually like, having some sort of stake in your characters. 'Cause I'm the type of person that I really like like, art house shit too. And, you know, I really like horror and thrillers and everything. But I'm not going to care about your characters If I haven't laughed with them at all!

Nick: Right.

Alex: Like, that's why I really like like, dark comedies and stuff and like, art house comedies I guess, is just because it's just like, you know, you get like all the emotion and the shit behind it but also like.... the reason that you feel those things isn't just because you've seen this person go through tragedies for like two hours. It's because you care about them and you think that they're fun. [Chuckles]

Nick: Right. Because you've gotten that kind of laughter bonding with them, where it's just like you can watch somebody go through literal just hell for a couple of hours but... and feel bad for them. But you don't feel that same level of bad as you do if you were able to, y'know, laugh at some jokes that they made as well and really bond with them.

Alex: Oh yeah! Hello, BoJack Horseman.

Nick: Right.

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: Uh, what would you rather be doing on a Saturday? Partying, museum tour, hiking, catching up on sleep, shopping, or Netflix marathon? I'm most likely to be catching up on sleep... but I would rather have a Netflix marathon, I think. I'd rather watch some TV.

Alex: I know I'm such a fucking Oregon ass adult I hate this shit so much. 'Cause I saw that-- Well I guess we're talking about a Saturday.

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: Oh yeah, 'cause before I thought too hard about Saturday I was going to say museum tour or hiking. Um, I'm still gonna say hiking 'cause you can go somewhere remote to hike. But outside of that, I feel like my second thing would probably be like Netflix marathon. If it were-- if we're talking like a Wednesday though, it's definitely a museum tour. [laughs]

Nick: Yeah, absolutely.

Alex: Fuckin' love museums, dude.

Nick: Also I just for a second I got a big ad... oh it just came back! [laughs] It knew that I was thinking about it! But it's this big ad that takes up like a third of the screen and it's Mr. Beast,

Alex: Ah?

Nick: But it's a really really awful picture of Mr Beast, um that's like just like it's clearly just cut out of one of his videos, where they like went around in photoshop and cut out a screenshot of him. He's like halfway through speaking.

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: And so his mouth is making a weird shape because he's saying a word and it's for Honey. And it was just like "Need a coupon? Mr. Beast fans save more!" And I'm like...

Alex: [quietly laughs]

Nick: Oh my God, are we really at a point where like... YouTubers are the face of things like that? And we're just using like a shitty JPEG?

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: Just like "Hey you know Mr. Beast, right?" "Yeah." "He, he endorses us. Did you know that? Did you, did you know that... that is just is Mr. Beast enough for you to-- for you to finally download Honey?" Even though I have Honey downloaded right now.

Alex: [chuckles]

Nick: I'm like if they had a better picture of him, it wouldn't have like shocked me so much. But it's clearly like just a screen grab from one of his videos, and I'm like...

Alex: [laughing] It's like 140p, just like...

Nick: Yeah! I'm like did you ask him, if you could? 'Cause I feel like he could send you a better picture, guys.

Alex: We stole Mr. Beast's face, and--

Nick: Right! I'm like, does he know that you're doing this? [laughs]

Anyways...

Alex: Oh boy.

Nick: Uh... what could you spend hours talking about?

Alex: All.

Nick: The answers are TV and movies, conspiracy theories, real life gossip, my feelings, politics, and the meaning of life. Um, I'm going to go ahead and out myself and just say real life gossip. I--

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: I hate that I do it, but... it's just so easy to just talk shit, for so long. Even though I know that a lot of the people that I talk shit about, I'm not that much better than.

Alex: [chuckles]

Nick: [extremely close to the mic] However,

Alex: Listen...

Nick: it's so much fun. And like, I know that I need to stop. And one day I might, but for right now...

Alex: [chuckles] Let me live this moment.

Nick: Just being honest, I could spend hours gossiping about anything. [laughs]

Alex: That is absolutely fair. I feel like I am showing so much of my ADHD ass...

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: 'Cause I'm just like we would have a conversation that involves all six of these things that lasts two minutes. [laughs]

Nick: Right!

Alex: I guess out of these things the thing that I would probably easily spend the most time talking about, without getting burnt out too fast, would be... Also potentially gossip.

Nick: [snort laughs]

Alex: Because I started to say politics, but I feel like politics I burn out real fast, and then I have to switch to something else. But then I go back to it.

Nick: Yeah, especially today's politics that are just so like "I don't know how to explain to you that you should care about people."

Alex: Right!

Nick: Like that's all politics is right now. I'm not going to get into this on the podcast right now, but like I don't know how to explain to people that they just should care about other people. And that's all politics is right now It's just like I don't-- How do you not understand that you should care about other people? And you can only say that so many times before it's like you just feel like you've drilled a hole in your head. Just like... I just, that's all I can say. [frustrated laughter] You know?

Alex: Yeah... like it's one of those things where, as a quick side tangent; In my most recent therapy session, it was so funny because I was talking about like-- I had surgery recently, I'm good! Um, but I have like a weight restriction for like lifting things. And I was talking about how I'm like away from work right now because of that. And about how it's also been really nice, because I haven't been talking about as much like heavy shit because my job involves talking about a lot of heavy shit, and some of that is like politics and like current events related. Um, just because a lot of it is like staying in-the-know for work. Uh, and it was so funny because my therapist noted something about like having a weight restriction like where it's like I can't lift things that are more than 10 pounds and also [starts laughing] I can't talk about shit--

Both: That's too heavy.

Nick: That's really funny.

Alex: What is more like-- or what is likely to make you angry or upset? Uh... Not being in control, being teased, being late to an appointment, a sad movie, being physically injured, trying something and not succeeding?

Nick: The unfortunate thing about me, is that a lot of these would-- are likely to make me angry or upset.

Alex: Yeah...

Nick: Um, not being in control, being late to an appointment, and trying something and not succeeding are like definitely the top three for me. Just because it's--it... it's things that-- Being late to an appointment and not being in control tie in to each other because anytime that I am late it's not my fault. And therefore, I'm not in control of the thing. So I'm going to say not being in control, because also trying something and not succeeding feels like it's out of my control, even though it totally is.

Alex: Mhmm.

Nick: You know? Like it's one of those things where it's like you just need to keep trying, you will learn. And that's something that I've been really really proud of myself with this podcast is that... you know, I know that not all of the episodes are good, and I-- but I just keep doing it, and I'm like "Oh, well that was a learning experience" And I'm like yes, finally! Like I just had this breakthrough with the podcast.

Alex: Right! It's been-- it has been really nice to see.

Nick: Yeah... What about you? [chuckles]

Alex: It's so funny because like looking at this, um... a lot of these things wouldn't necessarily like "get to me" get to me. Uh, that isn't to say that things don't get to me because things get to me. But I feel like not being in control overarchingly really does. Um, because I feel like a lot of things with like trying and not succeeding and  being late to stuff I... kind of-- I blame restaurant work for this. I don't know what broke in me-- [laughs]

for the better, maybe, um... for this to happen. But I like developed this habit when like shit would go off of the rails where I'd like drop something or like something would happen and I'd just kinda go [clicks tongue] "Well." [laughs]

Like to the point that I've had-- I remember dropping like a full tray of water glasses at one point and just going "Oh, well..."

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: And like a customer that was nearby was like concerned--

Both: [laughing]

Alex: like for my like a mental health. And I think about that sometimes, like I forget exactly what she said but she was just like "Oh..." [laughs]

Nick: "Oh honey, are you okay?"

Alex: Like I think that she thought it was like one of those quiet snapping moments, but like gunuinely it was just like "All right. Well, that happened." [laughs] Um, but I think like not being in control really gets me, like especially longterm.

Nick: Right.

Alex: That stresses me out... Um, being teased used to really get me because I did not grow up with siblings. But then I feel like over the course of like us being together it's-- I've gotten a lot better at reading when it's like people being mean to me versus like...

Nick: Yeah...

Alex: You know, reading it as like "Oh this person likes you and is friends with you. And that's why--" [laughs]

Nick: Yeah, you've definitely gotten a lot better about that over the last couple of years.

Alex: Mhmm.

Nick: Probably because I relentlessly mock you. [laughs]

Alex: [laughing] Yeah!

Nick: Uh, what do you value most: Laughter, challenge, faith, stability, success, or trust? Laughter.

Alex: Mhmm. Big same.

Nick: If I can't laugh, I just-- I don't care. [snort laughs]

Alex: I agree!

Nick: Finally, what is your Zodiac sign?

Alex: Saggitarius.

Nick: And I am a Leo.

Alex: What'd you get?

Nick: I got Virgo, which is not Sagittarius.

Alex: Damn. That is nowhere in my like chart.

Nick: No.

Alex: 'Cause I got Libra, but that's your moon sign so I'm counting it.

Both: [laughing]

Nick: Uh but so what it says about a Virgo being my ideal is: "They're reliable, organized, and a little bit anxious. They're great listeners and provide excellent advice. And even though they often seem cold on the outside, they can be a lot of fun. They're deep thinkers and together you'll engage in interesting conversations and provide each other stability and calmness." Which still feels...

Alex: Yeah!

Nick: A lot like you?

Alex: [laughing] I know!

Nick: There's definitely like... I don't-- you're not organized, and you're pretty reliable and you don't really seem that cold on that outside... That's a lot more me  which is funny because I'm on the Virgo cusp.

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: Um ... But it still is like, you're a deep thinker, and we do engage in interesting conversations, which is why we have a podcast. Um, and you're a great listener and you do provide excellent advice. And so it's like a lot of that stuff is you, but it says we shouldn't be together, so...

Alex: [laughs] We're like 25% for... 'cause like for you... or for me I guess, it says uh "Libras are artistic, graceful, hopeless romantics. They'll probably want to sit around and gossip and explore their creative side. They're great listeners, really fun, provide balance and insight for any lost souls." Which honestly is a lot of things that I really like about our relationship too. So I'm just like...

Nick: Well, Buzzfeed says that I need to leave you because you've cheated on me--

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: and you're not a Virgo.

Alex: My worst crime, arguably.

Nick: Your worst crime is not being a fucking Virgo. And... uh, I don't remember what the brunch one said.  

Alex: Brunch said we were fine.

Nick: Brunch said that we were fine, but you did cheat on me and-- [snort laughs]

Alex: And I'm not a Virgo.

Nick: And you're not a Virgo, so... I guess I kinda need to leave... or you need to like step your shit up. Change your birthday and become a Virgo.

Alex: [laughs] I will. Let me, let me go to the courthouse, it'll be okay.

Both: [laughing]

Alrighty. So, this has been Ice Cream Parasocial. We'll see you next time! Nick: Um, don't forget if you have the ability to go rate us on Apple podcasts and uh... that's all, for this one.

Alex: That's all! Um Buzzfeed if you have a intern that I can bribe to write a quiz that will save my marriage--

Both: [laughing]

Nick: Uh, we love you.

Alex: We love you. We-

Nick: See ya next time.

Alex: Yeah, hope it wasn't too loud so we can stay out of the closet.

Nick: This is a queer friendly podcast. Please don't make us go back in the closet.

Alex: [laughing] Anyway...

Nick: Bye!

Alex: Bye!

#parasocialpod #new podcast #accessible podcast #transcribed podcast #queer podcast #podcast transcript

[crcfo123-blog]

Entrepreneurs Don’t Think Enough. Here’s What You Can Do About It …

Every so often I find myself caught up in a really hectic 3-4 week schedule where it seems like I float endlessly between meetings. Pitches. Intros. Board Meetings. Conferences.

And I get flooded with legal docs, end-of-quarter financial administration, recruiting, whatever.

I get sucked up in the “Do” mode.

Startups Are for Doers

Now, I’m pretty on the record that being an entrepreneur is about being great at The Do. With an emphasis on the “D” in JFDI.

But getting caught up in the doing can often leave you directionless.

You need to take time out to Think.

I know it sounds obvious. And from experience, I know that saying something so simple will bring the trolls out. And I have a penchant for feeding the trolls.

But trust me when I say that my observations across many startups (and other companies, frankly) is that not enough time goes into thinking.

Some of my biggest breakthroughs have come in what seems like a lazy time. Every so often after a few weeks of go-go-go, I work from home from a day. I walk down from my bedroom and stay at my computer un-showered and in a hat for 10 straight hours. Or I will get some good time at a hotel just zoning out and thinking.for more visits Part-time CFO and accounting services

I have my best creative break-throughs this way. I like to think with blank pieces of paper and a pen. I’ve talked in the past about how I manage my own creative process. If you struggle to find moments of creativity you might read that post.

I also have huge creative spurts when I run. I zone out and think about how things could be different. And I often will get out a pen and paper afterward. Every now and again I like to drive from LA to San Francisco (6 hours) instead of flying. It gives me tons of zone out time with visual stimulation to get the brain going.

If you’re not taking this zone-out downtime I’ll bet you’re not having enough strategic reflection on your job, your company, your strategy.

Startups are filled with the stresses of the here and now and it’s hard to break out of this mold of focusing two feet in front of you. Frankly, I think venture capital is that way, too. How do VCs break out of groupthink when they are shuttling from one board meeting to the next, from one conference to the other and talking with all the same people?

I was at the Lobby Conference a few weeks ago in Mexico. My wife and I went down 3 days early and had some chill-out time. I had one of the biggest mental breakthroughs about what I want to do differently at GRP Partners in 2013. I want to make sure that my sixth year as a VC doesn’t just become an automatic continuation of what I’ve done in my first 5 years. I don’t want to be on autopilot. I woke up super early one morning and wrote out my manifesto. I know, I’m weird.For more visits Temporary CFO and Accounting Services

I am inspired by the constant innovation in our industry by First Round Capital like the Dorm Room Fund, their expansion to Philadelphia (I hope they also have a secret plot to replace Andy Reid while there),  the exchange fund and other initiatives.  And I don’t want to be complacent.

How does this changing world affect me? My fund? How can I raise the bar? How does the world in Los Angeles intersect differently with venture capital? How can I play to my strengths? Think.

I can’t make a big leap forwards in Do mode.

Do you find yourself too much in email mode? I regularly shut down my email so that I don’t get pop-up alerts when I’m working. I turn off my phone so it won’t ring. I close my Twitter tab. These small dopamine-soaked distractions will cut into your Think time. Trust me. Think.

Sometimes somebody in my office will ask if “they can just get 5 quick minutes” and they will see a zombie look on my face as I rush through my office. I can feel a spinning in my head when I know that I have something I need to get down on paper. I can feel the ideas needing to come out and I know if I get distracted I will lose them. I beeline for my office, give off my zombie vibe, shout out, “not now, maybe later” and I head for my desk. I need to think.

Undistracted. No music. Concentrate. Think.

This is one of the positive signs of ADD that nobody ever talks about. I do get these extreme moments of clarity and the need to shut down all of the bullshit I’m working on (or usually it’s a meeting that I randomly need to leave because it’s driving me totally fucking nuts and I need to be alone) and I need to get something out. I learned about this behavior and how to channel it from my favorite book about ADD, Delivered from Distraction. Don’t let anybody tell you ADD is only a weakness. For more visits Outsourced Non-Profit CFO Services

And What About the Opposite?

And I know that it sounds almost silly to say that some people Think too much and don’t do enough. But that’s exactly what happens to many people.

The number of times I’ve had people come to me and say they want to blog more. They think it would be good for them.  Think not. Do.

Or people who think all sorts of ideas about how they want to quit their job and try a startup. Or quit their startup to do something different. Or they want to travel more. See the world. Visit China.

The world is filled with over-Thinkers. For sure.

And then there is the missing link. It’s what connects Thinking and Doing. And that’s Planning.

For me, the best way to put Thinking into action is to creatively brainstorm a plan of action. I literally will sit down in a brainstorming session and draw up a list of actions that would have to take place in order to make my goals a reality. Since I think visually I often do this in the form group lists with inter-dependencies or in the form of a GANTT chart.

Without dedicating time to Planning you will never optimally turn your ideas into reality. You will never connect your Think and Do.

We each have strengths & weaknesses in these areas.

I have written about the need for entrepreneurs to take inventory in themselves before deciding whom to hire as the rest of the team. For more visit Outsourced High tech CFO services

The Three Buckets of People

There is a sort of rhythm to people’s personality types that often slot them into one of three buckets.

1. I think the best leaders are Thinkers. They often need teams of people to help them plan how to turn their ideas into realities. They are “shapers” not “completer/finishers.” The best leaders know this about themselves and surround themselves with people who compliment them. Without c/f’s I’d be hosed. Just ask my wife.

2. The best managers are Planners. They are really good at creating lists of actions and monitoring the performance of those actions. The manager isn’t a bad word. They are the absolute lifeblood of any organization. If this is you, you know the drill. You’re very organized. You keep meticulous notes. You are very good at getting things done and make sure others do as well. You keep the trains running on time. You’re not quite as creative in “breaking out of the box” and doing daring new things. That’s ok. You know that about yourself. And you’re comfortable having that crazy CEO around you. Secretly, you love that you know she couldn’t do her job effective without you.

3. And the best individual contributors are Doers. This can be your star Chief Architect who loves to code but hates having to handle the admin like testing, documentation, recruiting, etc. It can also be your star salesperson who doesn’t want to have to manage a team because he simply wants to earn his paycheck and get on with his life. I’ve written about these sales mavericks before.

A great team needs all types. And you need to identify your own strengths and weaknesses as an entrepreneur and how to surround yourself with people who compliment you.

If you are a startup entrepreneur already my guess is that you have a heavy bias towards the Do that comes with the territory. For more visits Outsourced Bookkeeping Services

Make sure you take some lazy time to zone out and Think. Don’t put pressure on yourself to fill out every last minute of the day. And do your best after a good Think session to put your ideas onto paper and see if you can’t turn it into a Plan. Even if you have to ask for help from others to turn the Think into Do.

About the Author

CRCFO is a technical accounting and financial consulting firm utilizing a flexible and scalable team approach. Our technical team is led by highly experienced former Big 4 partners. To support your business strategy, we collaborate with your stakeholders to navigate your important transactions – IPOs, M&As, revenue arrangements - and other complex accounting, systems, process and business issues. CRCFO employs a risk-based approach to help you minimize transaction risk which maximizes stakeholder value by anticipating matters that can derail your business, transactions, financing, and external audits.

#Outsourced High tech CFO services #Finance and Accounting Outsourcing #Part-time CFO and accounting services #Interim CFO and Accounting Services #Temporary CFO and Accounting Services #Fractional CFO and Accounting Services #Outsourced Bookkeeping Services #Interim CFO and Outsourced Tax Service

[alasdaircannon-blog]

How Much Would You Pay For Privacy?

Words by Alasdair Cannon

This is the bizarre question I have found myself pondering as of late. The question is bizarre because, well, one would assume that we have some inalienable right to privacy in a democratic nation. Right? Simply asking this question surely indicates a fundamental failure of governance, of regulation, or the market. Conversely, one might conclude that the notion of privacy has been plunged into a kind of Coasean nightmare, where our ability to be free from invasion is subject to bargaining, to the market logic of efficient distribution, to the skyscraping (campusing? If we’re gonna speak in the language of the companies in question) power differential between the individual and corporations in modern economies. One may be correct in either instance, too, which leads us to something of a truism: it is never easy when we must negotiate something we have perennially taken for granted, or when we must value what we believed to be invaluable (and not because it could not be measured, either).

In any event, the question is certainly a new one - or at least it probably isn’t something that people 30 years ago were overly concerned with. Why would they be? You (or the government) would have to be active, to the point where it was comparatively a non-issue, in telling (or collecting) your entire demographic and psychometric profile, and the history of your activities and movements, and all your wants, desires, preferences and interests. One couldn’t tacitly or incidentally just reveal all of this. Hell, even if you were utterly dedicated to revealing all these measures of your individuality to the world, even if you were possessed by a data-point exhibitionism of the most pathological kind, and you perversely wanted everybody to know you fundamentally, information-wise, you would still have a hard time of it. Data simply could not be collected comprehensively or efficiently enough to ground even individual concern over being so thoroughly revealed.

Today, however, we can and do give our whole selves away with a single click. And we do it in a manner that suggests an equilibrium solution: we value our privacy exactly in proportion to whatever it is the company stands to offer us.

Here’s an article from the Guardian that can help you freak out over that point.

No doubt, it is a question that I ask in light of recent events: yes, I specifically mean Cambridge Analytica, whose databases include ‘four to five thousand’ data points on every adult in the United States; whose platform relies on mass psychographic analysis of vast swathes of people as a means of generating a predictive model of personality for individuals and groups; whose product was employed in the most recent US election of Donald Trump, and in the primary campaign for Ted Cruz. (Watch this video to get a little taste: the man seems really quite proud of his product, and he really does give you a good salesman’s spiel about all the amazing things they know.) The public consciousness is properly fretting, perhaps for the first time ever, over the true influence of social media. We have been building to this for years of course – talk of shady contractual provisions and fake news being the breaking point for the outpouring of our collective anxieties.

I share a lot of sympathy for these emotions. The rise of social media and ICT as an overwhelming force for individual identity is something I have wondered about in increasingly panicked tones over the years, my internal intonation creeping ever closer to ‘paranoid-hysteric’, to that of a bug-eyed, frothing conspiratorialist, all fervour, dual-wielding copies of Huxley and Orwell, with Foucault buried somewhere in their coat pockets. No, I don’t own Discipline and Punish, but I certainly wasn’t far from this point. Indeed, there has been something of a positive correlate between the frequency of my tech-anxiety and ‘distance stumbled down garden path’: though mitigated to some extent by the countervailing forces of ‘kinda getting used to it’, ‘are you surprised by this?’, ‘who cares?’, and ‘there’s nothing you can do about it’, it has increased, absolutely. Crucially, I do not believe I am unjustified in feeling this way: recall, well, what I said a couple of paragraphs ago.

From when I first listened to OK Computer through to April 2018, the fear has escalated. Some discontinuous leaps were made: discovering the Google Beacon, for example, a nifty device that will be just, oh, everywhere in certain developed economies, which interacts with your smartphone as you move through public spaces, transmitting and presenting data constantly, an activity directed at unifying your subjective motives into one glorious vector of consumption. On a corollary note, here’s another good one: that day I bumped into someone I hadn’t seen for five years, and an hour later, Instagram lets me know I can follow them: now that’s convenience. Mutual benefit off the charts. There was also the day I realised (that is, I read what former Facebook developers had to say about their own platform) that, given we do not pay for Facebook or Google, that we were in fact, their products.  That was a knock-your-hair back kind of moment for sure.

Before the Cambridge Analytica scandal, the object of my concern was the advertising revenues of Facebook and Google. Check out these graphs of their lifetime advertising revenue, for example. Between them, they grossed $135bn in ad revenue in 2017 alone. Facebook boasts 2.2 billion users, and though I lack an exact statistic, I believe we can safely assume Google likely has a similar number of unique users. If we assume the groups overlap entirely, then this puts the ad revenue per user at roughly $68 per user. To be safe, if we instead calculate the ad revenue per person alive today, it comes out at $18.50. So, the real number is probably somewhere in between – and given the past performance of these companies, don’t be surprised if it keeps growing. Their net profit per user is more modest than this: search engines and social media platforms aren’t cheap to run, after all. They also do provide an undeniably valuable service, and so these figures are justified, economically speaking. Crucially, though, the entire foundation of their revenue base rests upon the willingness of the consumer to simply give away something that is, evidently, extraordinarily valuable to these companies: their life in data. Irrespective of the value they add via their database and network effects, or the advertising services they sell, or the entertainment and utility they provide for free, these companies are wholly reliant on our initial, unwitting consent to donate to them our time and information.

And for what reward? What mutual do we derive for sacrificing our privacy at the altar of the internet, for slapping our knowable selves down on the counter? Their products of course; platforms that are today extraordinarily popular, and not only because they are useful and powerful. In the words of Sean Parker, early investor in Facebook, their design motive was couched in exploiting addiction and vulnerability: ‘How do we consume as much of your time and conscious attention as possible,’ he says. (Google is not complicit in this regard – it seems pretty hard to give a dopamine hit from a search bar, after all. Their product actually is that useful. It does, however, have a couple of implications for freedom of information and control of opinion – a topic for another time, maybe). Their bottom line relies on the maximum exploitation of the consumer at the lowest cost possible – an historic market relation that encourages continuous and absolute loyalty of the consumer to your product. And what better than the inelastic demand created by suckering the user into a state of addiction? As Thomas Pynchon writes in Gravity’s Rainbow: ‘The classic hustle is still famous for the cold purity of its execution’. Addiction, indeed, creates an ‘inelastic demand for that shit.’ It is a profoundly simple arrangement, based upon simple economics and human fallibility, reductive enough to a symbolically dichotomous relationship – despite its cynicism and denial of human good. Any degree of observation can confirm that both the consumer and the corporate giants have become entwined in an archetypal relationship, with each side of the historic dichotomy played unflinchingly: the naïve fool who, unware of the value of what they possess, is unknowingly exploited by the powerful. And in a fashion that righteously emboldens the cry of ‘abuse’, they have treated us with the disrespect a tyrant affords to the vulnerable.

Facebook’s Ad Revenue Worldwide from 2009 – 2017, in millions of dollars

Ahem. Well, if it wasn’t already self-evident, essentially, what I am saying is that these companies are no longer fucking around, socioeconomically speaking. When combined with the fact that our vulnerability and our proclivity for addiction is their product, this becomes problematic, to say the least. This therefore brings me to my point: I ask my initial question on whether we should pay for privacy in the broadest possible terms, for my concern fundamentally lies in relation to the growing dominance of the sociocultural forces constituted by social media, by search engines, by algorithmic targeting, by gargantuan psychometric databases, and by utterly pervasive online and mobile advertising. We are the known, the manipulated: the consumed and the consumer. Queue images of the snake eating itself, or perhaps more fitting for a late capitalist society, that weird rumour about Marilyn Manson and his rib surgery.

Clearly, Google and Facebook value the contents of our privacy quite dearly, and it is this fact which tacitly establishes the value of privacy in our economy. Giving it away for free, or for any amount equal to the perceived value of the product on offer is clearly foolish: to do so, unmediated by regulation or subjective concern and awareness can only serve to reinforce the pre-existing paradigm of our exploitation and disempowerment. Choosing to maintain this relationship would only attests to our indifference; to the absolute normalisation of the invasion and harvesting of our privacy; the colonisation of our mental space via the wonderful corporate algorithm; phenomena which all testify in unison to the powerlessness felt by the average consumer in a social media market controlled by some of the most advanced and powerful entities in human history. Maintaining this relationship is to welcome its logical conclusion, the inevitable and absolute extreme of personalised advertising: a utopia of prior-decidedness, of subjugated contingency. Is that a life lived in bad faith or good faith? It’s an authentic you, imposed upon you externally: a Sartrean knot if there ever was one.

Of course, the big one has only just arrived, the paradigm shifter par excellence as I would hope – the Watergate for the Zuck, if you will. Time will tell whether this brings about meaningful reform in the digital sphere. Given how long they have staggered untrammelled over the landscape of technological societies, how focused and efficient they have become in their practices of exploitation, I am not necessarily optimistic. Unless, of course, we learn from these companies, and come to realise the unmistakeable value of knowing ourselves: a condition that is inseparable from power over our own lives.

SEE MORE

http://adage.com/article/digital/sean-parker-worries-facebook-rotting-children-s-brains/311238/

https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2017/nov/09/facebook-sean-parker-vulnerability-brain-psychology/

https://www.statista.com/statistics/266249/advertising-revenue-of-google/

https://www.statista.com/statistics/271258/facebooks-advertising-revenue-worldwide/

#economicswriting

[gdiblake]

Luke Perry Cockblocked Me In The VA Hospital...

There is something very primal about a group of unhinged people being held captive in a mental health care facility or drug rehab against their will.

Especially a nut house full of fuckin veterans.

One second, you're eating pudding with a rubber spork and the next second, you're letting some ex-Marine put his finger in your asshole in the puzzle closet during Bible study.

I have never experienced anything like it in my entire life.... the level of raw sexual energy that someone possesses when, due to demographics, they instantly go from a 4 to a 10. It is off the charts cray cray. I would know.

I was once a solid 9.5 for a full fucking month.

Out of 3 women, I was the hottest chick in the psych ward and I finally experienced what it was like to walk into a room and immediately know that every single set of eyes were on me.

Every single dude in that room wanted to fuck me and I felt like a motherfucking porn star.

I could scream and melt skin off bones and draw blood with a glance and kill men with my mind under a summer moon in a state of bacchian frenzy with a thousand other filthy succubus sluts and it still wouldn't be as hot as that time Jeff from Iowa wanted to fuck me instead of my roommate, Michelle.

It's a glorious phenomenon and I feel sorry for people who never go to rehab or psych and never get to experience this particular kind of hookup.

2 years ago, I almost fucked an ex-Marine a few days after I tried to commit suicide because he sat next to me instead of a rival slut in the TV room. He walked in the room and had to make a choice... clowns to the left of him or jokers to the right.

I fucking hate clowns, he chose correctly and he immediately went from a solid 3 to a fucking 100 just for sitting next to me.

Right now, you're either judging the fuck out of me or you're kinda rolling your eyes and saying "Yep" because this is old news to you.

You've either been there or you haven't.

I swear to God if fever pitch were a person, he'd be Rory from Kansas.

The main thing you need to know about institutional flings is that they do not operate within the normal constraints of physics and gravity or even basic logic.

One hour in lockup is roughly equivalent to one month in real life.

Since Rory and I were a hot item as soon as we made premature eye contact, we decided that since we were probably the most mentally ill patients there and would likely be there for awhile, we would "take it slow."

It's hilarious in retrospect but at the time, I felt like a proper virgin on the eve of her wedding every single time we shared a glance or passed a note or shared a drink.

The only thing missing besides all of my serotonin and dopamine and common fucking sense was a dowry.

To this day, nothing has been sexier than the anticipation of being intimate with Rory, though.

Fuuuuck.

I still have every single letter he wrote to me and the hottest thing about him was his confidence. I've never met a man who was that sure of himself.

Goddammit, Rory.

Meow.

As the days passed, our conversations grew less awkward and more graphic.

I was growing a bit weary of written prose, however.

I was ready for Rory to say filthy things in my ear in the middle of a group of other horny and mentally disturbed people watching TV while picturing each other naked, doing hoe activities in every sexual position under the sun.

There aren't enough notebooks in existence to contain all of the filthy shit I wanted to do with Rory.

And Jeff from Iowa.

And Other Jeff from Branson that I secretly called Meff because homeboy literally smuggled meth in via his asshole. He was hot in certain low lighting, though.

But also Steven from Springfield and his roommate, Caleb from Bolivar.

Danny from Bentonville and Kevin from Ozark.

But especially Rory from Topeka, Kansas.

The lunatics weren't running the asylum anymore. The whores were calling all the (money) shots and I had the loudest voice in the entire joint.

I guess you could say I yelled so much I got a little... whoarse.

(Hey, fuck you. I've been carrying that piece of shit joke around since 2019.)

The situation finally reached a climax (heh) on the evening of March 4th, 2019.

There are a lot of factors and politics involved in rehab and psych ward sex and the average person does not know that sometimes it's easier to move mountains than it is to move chairs in the TV room.

But once again, if you know, you know.

And if you ho, you ho.

And I did both.

So back to 3/4/19. The stars were aligned, it was almost time for smoke break and I knew I was finally about to get some diiiiiiiiiick. Not dick as in actual sex but an opportunity for him to get a few fingers in or maybe even a quick, frantic grabbing of pajama dick.

There wasn't time to make out or show any titty but tonight was the night we were both about to get us each a handful and in the world of institutionalized sex, that's a good fuckin time.

Rory and I kept inching closer and closer together and I was practically sitting on his lap.

At the precise fucking moment he threw caution to the wind and put his hand under my waistband to get things warmed up, there was a Breaking News story alert on TV.

Some somber person on the E! channel interrupted my state of NSFW heated sexual pre-bliss by announcing the death of Luke Perry.

At the risk of sounding like a monster, fuck Luke Perry on every bull at that fucking rodeo he went to in that shitty fucking movie we all pretended to like in the 90s.

Die on your own time, Dylan McKay, because I'm tryna get fuuuucked tonight and now the hand that was half a centimeter away from my pussy is suddenly out of my pants altogether and against Rory's forehead.

What??

What the FUCK happened to his hand???

WHAT THE FUCK?

I looked over and this whole ass, 6'6 ex-Marine who did 2 tours in Afghanistan had moved his hand away from my vagina and put it against his forehead because he was so stricken by the news of Luke Perry's death.

Jesus fucking harold christ, what in the fucking Donna Martin on prom night 90210 horseshit is thisssss??

I didn't want to say or do anything to damage my relationship with Rory but I was still reeling from the shock of watching his boner die in real time right alongside Luke Perry so my words came out like this:

"Baby, I need you to tell me how big it is and how good your cock is gonna feel inside of me. Please, tell me, baby."

After a few seconds, Rory glanced around and then put his hand on his dick and whispered "Hope you're ready, girl. It's real big."

Holy fucking shit, I have never been that turned on in my entire life. Entire fleets have drowned in lesser waters. Fuck, I wanted him more than I've ever wanted another human.

"Baby, please. I need you to tell me how big it is so I can think about you inside of me all night long. I want to know how big your dick is and I'm going to make myself cum over and over and over all night thinking about the first time I climb on top of your big cock. Tell me, baby. Stop being mean."

At that precise moment, the buzzer went off and it was time for smoke break (yep, you could still smoke in the VA hospital in Fayetteville, AR in 2019) and I completely missed my opportunity to wildly grab the area between his belly button and his knees and then go furiously masturbate about it all night.

But still, I was relentless.

"BABY. How fucking big is it?" I was practically panting at this point.

Huuuuuge sub energy.

Rory licked his bottom lip, looked me dead in the eye and said "About a third of a foot. Better go stretch that pussy out, girl."

Mmmm...fuck m... WAIT. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK, RORY? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN A THIRD OF A FOOT?

This motherfucker literally had me begging on my knees and being turned on to the point of it actually being painful over... 4 inches??

What in the motherfucking fuck even happened, Rory?

WHAT THE FUUUUUCK YOOOO??

Is it really 4 inches or are you just bad at maths?

And if your calculations are correct, where in the FUCK did that swagger come from because I know for a fact white boys from Topeka, Kansas do not come factory installed with that shit.

I never got any answers, either. I didn't follow him outside fast enough and our narrow window evaporated.

I got discharged to go live in a halfway house for other insane veterans and Rory and I never saw each other again.

We were Facebook friends for a brief period of time but sadly, I learned that his mother is a minor celebrity in the country & western gospel big hair circuit and then my handsome ex-Marine started tagging me in Jesus posts and my pussy dried up so fast some people still call me Sahara.

Time has softened me, however, and I would absolutely give him a hand job during bible study. For starters.

In spite of not landing our money shot, Rory will always be #1 in my spank bank and I hope my future lovers can live with that.

They’ll have to find a way because no dick is massive enough to make me forget all 4 of those inches.

I love you, Rory, wherever you are.

Every single inch of you, baby.

submitted by /u/StudsMulecock [link] [comments] from Sex Stories https://ift.tt/3lveZD8

[brightlotusmoon]

Tmnt headcanon fanfic

Uh. Shite. Which thing was I supposed to be working on? A) There was the MTL fic revealing that Mikey is pan poly demiboy. B) There was the CFR fic revealing that April is demiromantic Asexual and Gaia helped everyone figure out this whole polyamorous family thing. C) There was the MTL fic where Don and Mikey build a housecleaning robot that patrols with them after Donnie bargains with Mikey for junkyard cookware. D) There was the CFR Crossfire fic where 2003 Mike destroys an alien invasion with psionic powers he got from 2012 Mikey. E) There was the MTL fic where Raph and Mikey learn how to manage Raph's temper and Mikey's depression simultaneously by sheer accident after Raph triggers seizures in Mikey. F) There was the unconnected fic showcasing the 2003 turtles' dynamics when they're 19 and Mikey is team medic and psychiatric spiritual therapist. G) There was the CFR fic where psionic Mikey pushes his healing power to the limits when Splinter gets sick. Aand then there's the random SC fic where Mikey learns Science Yeah! and Donnie just shrugs and gives up and Raph still thinks it's a very elaborate prank involving Ghost Splinter and a textbook on neuroscience. "Cold Fire Rising Mind Games" should be at least three chapter-stories deep and it's not, I need ideas. Readers are still begging for stories with psionic pan poly genderfluid Mikey and poly turtles and Ace April and Pan poly Karai and Astral Spirit sex because Raph and Leo want to be gentle, while physically Don and Mike are kinky little shits and cripple Gaia loves experimenting while attached to biosensors because she's half cat neuroscience student and the boys are very shiny. I love my OC. I haven't even had her meet Shinigami, dear gods. The sex with those girls would be explosive. Who wants to see her sisters?? Everyone is named after a Greek goddess with a Russian middle name with a Japanese surname. Everyone is bi or gay. I have too many fucking headcanon ideas, help. Can you believe I won awards for this insanity. But I realized something. Cross posting between AO3 and FFnet means that I get more reviews on FF, but on AO3 I can answer comments directly. So if you would, it would make my dopamine levels explode if you could comment on the AO3 stuff. On the FF site there were questions I could only answer in private that I wanted to answer in public. Like all the chapters of Cold Fire Rising and its sequels. There's nothing. It makes me do that sad puppy head tilt whine. Look. I know it's a beast of a story, between 104K and 109K depending on format, and the medical terms are heavy, and tons of things happen with creative liberties taken like stolen treasure, but it was a literal labor of love for an 18 year old fic dusted off and rewritten. Maybe the AU timeline diverting so severely from canon makes no sense because they were only meant to be in space for six months, but all my medical and athletic friends insisted on some realism so I had to throw that six month thing out the Fugitoid's ship window and it still worked out okay with nine months, no harm done. I'm just super proud of my monstrous baby. I'm still startled that Hecate won Most Interesting OC. But happy. My Lady deserves a fictional incarnation to be recognized as awesome. And you can't read Crossfire, Most Interesting Crossover, without referring to Cold Fire Rising, so I win no matter what. I just ... I am swarmed with headcanons about each Hamato clan member being at full potential, I might as well do in depth character studies that Kevin Eastman never expected. I swear that neuropsychology of michelangelo thesis will come together one day. I promise this is all helping my Original novels. I'm not writing Angsty Fluff Hurt Drama fics just because I'm bored. I have Knowledge and I want to share. I just need to keep a flow chart and outlines. Sometimes I wonder which brother is best paired for Mikey in different situations. Where was I going with this?

#cold fire rising #mikey the lifegiver #the sunshine child #headcanon #fanfiction #myfics #psionic Mikey AU #disabled mikey AU #tmnt 2012 #tmnt 2003 #CFR: Crossfire #CFR: Mind Games #my oc has my disabilities #empath mikey #OC Gaia #ao3 #ffnet #tmnt critical #ranting #random fandom thoughts #i love this fandom #i love this franchise #I get way too involved #shut up I love him #you bet I'm being condescending in the original sense #mikey is underestimated