#my god was this the actual first work about lesbians i had ever read that made me feel represented

[birdbrainedboy]

I’m obsessed with this show and fear a hyperfixation anyways here are my thoughts on every character in the show

Edwin Paine: forever my favorite, even back before the show when I read the comics! I think it’s funny that basically every man in the show wants him? I’m intrigued by his character arc throughout the story regarding his sexuality as despite dying in 1916, he seems to have had time to slowly become more accepting of gay people (I’m guessing in part due to Charles, who is pansexual), to the point where there’s only mild internalized homophobia if at all, which just exhibits itself in him denying any possible feelings for Monty. I love how face-value and logical he is while still being a sweetheart

Charles Rowland: he has a pan flag pin on his jacket which confuses me bc can ghosts only wear clothes they would’ve worn when they were alive, or how do ghost clothes work? Because he died in 1989 and I’m near positive he didn’t wear that pin back there. Anyways I do love him but I wonder about some design choices, like the one earring (not sure why it just kinda annoys me). That was more a rant abt his design than his character, which I have nothing notable to say abt since I LOVE HIM he’s so real

Crystal Palace: sometimes she was a bit annoying the way she was trying way too hard to pry into everyone’s lives, but honestly that was just momentary annoyance since nothing could make me hate her. I love how her past was slowly revealed (as someone who already knew it from the comics) and how she came to terms with the person she used to be vs the person she is now. She’s so cool!

David the demon: honestly kind of caught me off guard at first bc the person I’m dating is named David but I actually enjoyed his character. LOVED when Crystal dealt with him in the end. He was very interesting

Niko Sasaki: I love Niko, but I have some problems with her character. First of all, I feel like ditsy anime-loving cutesy Asian girl with dyed hair is a weirdly common trope? But whatever my main issue is that it feels like characters who normalize the fetishization of gay men are so common. Like if Niko had been a guy obsessed with lesbian manga evb would be weirded out, so why is it different? If we ignore all of this tho I absolutely adore her and I’m actually praying she’s in the next season bc she was one of my favorites (esp her relationship w Edwin)

Jenny: She is so hot and cool and funny I’m in love with her

Esther: oh my god words cannot come close to describing how much I love her character. She felt powerless and weak in the past and now she’s become obsessed with making sure nobody has that power over her ever again. She was so fun and I loved her attitude! I’m sure she won’t show up next season, as she was the main antagonist of s1, and while I love her, I kind of hope she doesn’t since I think her arc was finished.

Monty: His personality was like 2020 “soft boy” who acts nice and dumb but is lowkey a manipulator. So obviously this kind of made me like ☠️ bc why is he acting like that… but I still love him to bits because he’s just a crow guys he didn’t ask to be human,, Anyways yeah his personality annoys me but also I love him so much so? It’s confusing. ITS COMPLICATED. I will cry if he’s not in s2

Kingham and Litty: I honestly thought they were annoying but I can’t lie they were so fucking funny. Every time they were on screen I laughed.

Cat King: oh my god. He is so camp. I love him. There’s honestly not much to say he is simply iconic. Love how he’s afraid to be alone so chases after other people, he’s so real AGHH I love him

Night Nurse: Ruth Connell the woman you are… 😍 she reminds me of Muriel from Good Omens, in a way, and I love her! I really hope we get to see more of her in relation to the guy in the fish, and see her get to better understand human emotions and why they choose to cling onto the human world rather than pass on!

#dead boy detective agency #dead boy detectives #charles rowland #edwin payne #crystal palace surname von hoverkraft #crystal palace #niko sasaki #david the demon #neil gaiman #esther #monty crow #cat king #night nurse #good omens

[deluweil]

To be honest the way part of the fandom has treated this Tommy character as a god makes me dislike him more. Unfortunately the Buck bi arc was tainted for me because it all feels force. Also what doesn't help is that Eddie was to much involved in that storyline.

The way people are acting like it's a perfect relationship and yet we barely saw them together feels just weird.

Also I don't like how some literally push Eddie away for this new white man.

This is Taylor Kelly all over again. The sad part is that the season is short and people wAnt to to spend their time giving more to the new guy.

I hope him and Marisol are gone, but I'm afraid. These two characters took the joy out of the Buck and Eddie storyline for me.

The fandom, I think, in this case, is definitely the problem here,

Lou is completely unassuming and enjoying the process and being a buddie shipper just like us - if one actually bothers to read the interviews and not just pick and choose what to talk about.

That is what makes me like Lou.

The fandom has somehow glorified Tommy's character after a couple of episodes and yeah it rubs the wrong way, because, what about the story we had so far?

Is season 7 a reset to 911? and everything that came before that doesn't count? Why not just make it 911 abc pilot then?

I don't think that's the case, but I think the last minute switch between Buck and Eddie kind of ruined it for the Tim because, yes, in a way it feels forced and out of left field.

Supposed that Buck was indeed vying for Tommy's attention, why do it like that? and why involve Eddie in the first place?

I have a lot of questions and my main problem here is not that Buck is experimenting with Tommy, it's the way they practically propelled this ship off the cliff into a dangerous spin, they went from zero to 200 in a second. - That is not how you build a relationship.

You don't try to figure out what you want, mess up the first date, then invite said date to an apology coffee and then invite him to family wedding on the way. It just doesn't work that way.

I may be straight, but I have gay and bi and lesbian friends, neither one of them has ever brought a second or even a third date to so much as a friends get together before they were sure that this is something that would last, before they brought the intended victim to be judged by friends and family.

And people who talk about Tommy as being established in the 118 family, that is not true. He has a connection with Chimney in that that he owes him his life and an acquaintance with Hen, who is clearly not very fond of him, because of obvious past she had with him and their old house before Bobby came into the picture. - Remember - Chimney was her ONLY lifeline in that house.

Tommy was not a liked character before.

Arguably Buck had more history with Taylor than he did with Tommy (which is none at all) - But Taylor is a strong opinionated and often self-serving woman (not unlike Buck mind you), emphasis on woman. - That is the only reason she never stood a chance. Because the writers could have made her and Buck the greatest love story this show has seen, but they continuously managed to ruin any fondness for any female LI to ever grace that set.

And this season is short, to bring in a new LI kinda defeats the purpose of re-establishing the team and this show, because it does feel the same as any of Buck's old relationships that were being pushed for the benefit of 'god forbid Buck actually learns how to be alone and healthy and happy' - the only thing that changed in Buck this season is his sexuality and nothing else, and that vexes me.

My problem is not with Tommy, it's the perpetuation of 'poor baby Buck' society. - I love Oliver and I love Buck - I am tired of the ever repeating pattern of forgiveness for his self serving ways without any accountability that we keep seeing.

I don't think Buck's or even Eddie's firsts or you know what? even seconds should be each other, I am more than happy to make this journey with them, but let it be a marathon not a sprint to the finish line - they knew they would get renewed for another season, they could have written and built it better than what we got - because the moment they switched gears after the second episode, the story became written in the same messy last minute way both S4 and most of S5 were written.

There is no grand plan, at this point they are merely winging it and see where the wind takes them. - And that is idiotic, they had SO MUCH TIME to make this a well written story with the strike and long break after that, to write as they film is lazy and stupid and mostly childish.

And yes this is Taylor all over again, not in that they are the same type of people, but that Buck is jumping head first into a relationship without actually knowing how he got there. - Bobby said that himself - and it is the same, because who in their right mind invite a second (kinda) date to a family event? Like dude have you ever dated before? Do you how this works?

It is a LOT of pressure and not even for Buck himself - because he brought this on himself - but rather for Tommy (aka the intended victim) to be first introduced to the family after a couple of dates when he himself has no idea where he and Buck are standing.

Marisol, has indeed sucked the joy out of the Eddie's story, I don't get why do either of the boys had to be in a relationship starting this season to begin with. Like, she is literally a handbag, the token hetero symbol, so to speak, what she is doing there? is beyond me.

The catholic guilt of her being a nun is bullshit, and as Bobby said himself, Eddie has no problem committing to certain people/things. She serves no purpose this season other than a seat warmer/ glorified babysitter since Buck is otherwise engaged.

They could have gone for Eddie finding his way in the department, Eddie dealing with his mommy issues, Eddie trying to figure out what and who he wants in his life, Eddie trying to navigate Chris' terrible teenage years.

They could have explored the fact that a guy going with his supposed gf/wife in the golf course checking Eddie's hot ass (6X17) - Oh wait, they were going to... the ground for Eddie's coming out was all laid out and they took a sharp turn to left field in the second episode of S7 and made it all about Buck again, because the Natalia actress couldn't come?? what kind of a weak ass reason is that?

And yes, the cliche of receiving the odd white man out (who played a controversial role in early seasons) rather than the regular casted poc male or the guest starring woman, for that matter, better is all kind of f-ed up, but no one would talk about that, of course. 👀

Anyway, I am hoping that whatever is coming next will be worthy of our time and attention because so far we got about more of the same as far as Buck and Eddie are concerned - except that Buck has just broaden his variety and has a bigger pallet of mate choosing at his disposal.

I have two very close bi friends, so I know how their minds work, because God knows they share with me more than I ever wanted to know lol. And one of them is watching 911 with me and she is happy for the rep as well, but unhappy with how it was developed too.

At the moment, I have decided to put any Buck and Eddie topics aside and just want to get the LONG AWAITED Madney wedding, if anyone deserve a happy ending, it's them. ❤️

#911 ask #evan buckley #eddie diaz #tommy kinard #marisol whatever her last name is #buddie #911 spoilers #911 speculation #don't you dare to rb this with an opposing opinion - i don't care that you think tommy farts rainbows out of his ass make your own post #and if you don't like what i write block me so you can save me the trouble of blocking you #not directed to this anon #just a warning to toxic fandom groopies that has done it before - naturally they were blocked #I am entitled to my opinion just like you are entitled to yours #deluweil replies

[tollundmen]

impatient to be free my eternal muse and favorite e/r fic ever (if not favorite work on that whole web site) 

#les miserables #les mis #enjoltaire #grantaire #exr #les mis fic rec #for serious you need to read this fic it's absolutely everything i love about (academic voice) transformative media #especially if you're a lesbian #my god was this the actual first work about lesbians i had ever read that made me feel represented #my art

[cairavende]

My wonderful girlfriend got me Gideon the Ninth for Christmas and I realized why should I just give Worm recaps? Let's read some Locked Tomb! (We'll see how this format works, maybe I'll adjust it. Specifically might break stuff down into smaller segments instead of full acts, but I didn't think of doing this until after I had read all of act 1.)

Gideon the Ninth Act 1 (chapter 1 through 8) thoughts:

This book is so gay oh my god

Like, it's gay in ways I can't even explain. I love it.

Harrow beats the shit out of Gideon in chapter 2 and I don't know if I've ever seen someone get beat up in a more gay way.

"Oh Griddle! But I don't even remember about you most of the time." ROLL A FUCKING DECEPTION CHECK HARROW! You are saying this standing in the middle of the field you spent all night burying bones in just to foil her escape in the most dramatic way. You can't stop remembering her.

Gideon is the most herbo of herbos. I fucking love her. I love reading her PoV. She just knows punch and stab with sword and if those don't work than she'll just do them harder.

Also Gideon is SO fucking gay. Dear god. Dulcinea faints and Gideon turns off all though. HELP PRETTY GIRL. Nothing else.

Ok I could just make this whole thing "EVERYTHING IS GAY" but there is technically more than that.

I love how weird everything is and how little explanation is given. I don't want pages of exposition, I want to learn the world as it comes at me! This is perfect.

And just the very nature of things that seem weird not being given more than a passing thought in the book is information. Something may seem wild to the reader but it's so normalized to the characters that they wouldn't even think about the idea of it being different.

Lack of explanation also helps really show how much of a meathead Gideon is. Do the readers get to learn details about this thing? Only if it is a weapon, has tits, or Gideon is forced to listen while Harrow explains it. Otherwise no, why the fuck would Gideon spend her precious few brain cells on thinking?

And even if Gideon is forced to listen as Harrow explains it, the readers might not learn much cause Gideon might stop listening. I love her.

Aiglamene is wonderful. Crux is fine but I like her more.

Poor Gideon just wants a big sword that she can swing hard. It's not like she can't use a rapier. But why when she can go big sword?

SO MUCH CATHOLICISM

As someone who once was Catholic and then realized I was actually not a straight man, but instead a lesbian, I am in deep.

And the fucking slang used! Or whatever would be the right term. The shit they say! I love it. Just the weird sci-fi far future space necromancer universe and then suddenly "Are you asking me to . . . throw her a bone?", "Gideon had always known that this would be how she went: gangbanged to death by skeletons.", "Don’t hypothetically shove stuff up my butt again, it never does any good.", "Lo! A destructed ass.", "Well we were developing common sense, she studied the blade.", "Double Bones with Doctor Skelebone."

House of the First appears to be Earth. I kinda assume the House of the Ninth is Pluto, even though things obviously aren't in order given that the Seventh and Sixth are closer to the sun. Of course, I'm kinda expecting this to not technically be this solar system at all.

Undying Emperor, King of Resurrection, I Have Ten-Thousand Titles, Boss First, etc etc hasn't been on "Earth" in over nine thousand years. I wanna know MORE.

And the fucking Ninth House has their own prayer! Everyone else has one that the Ninth didn't know and then the Ninth had one that no one else knows! GIMME MORE!!!!

Also again, so many Catholicism metaphors or comparisons or whatever!

I could go on forever but gonna end this one with OH MY GOD SHE FOUND SUNGLASSES I LOVE HER. Fucking "I came prepared, my sweet." and "But then you couldn't have admired . . . these!" as she whips on the sunglasses. God. I nearly died.

#The Locked Tomb #tlt #Gideon the Ninth #Cairavende reads The Locked Tomb #Gideon Nav #Harrowhark Nonagesimus #Dulcinea Septimus #This might be the most lesbian thing I've ever read and I've read some pretty fucking lesbian things #Dulcinea might be my favorite so far

[babiebom]

How I felt about the bachelor/ettes my first time playing

A/N: mostly because my feelings about them have changed a great deal. Like don’t hate on me but I’ve disliked a lot of people due to first impressions. also I needed something to post since I’m writing very slowly because I’ve started work and have been sick for the last 509 years. I miss having free time to write. But a girl needs to make money I guess. The rest of the villagers will be in different parts!!

Tw: I hate more than half of them and am mean, cursing, maybe some sexual things but obviously not full on smut.

Wc: idk babe

Sdv Masterlist

Before we get into this I would also like to say that the way I met everyone was not on day one or day two. I think I met almost everyone like not one day at a time, but like I think it was after the Egg Festival that I had met everyone. ALSO the first time I played was with friends.

Sebastian

Immediately had a crush on the emo

Like going into the game I was like “I heard there was a town emo where is he?”

My friends also were like “you should find the emo”

Then when I found out his name I was like “?????from black butler?????”

“WHEN ARE YOU LEAVING YOUR ROOM????”

“can he PLEASE leave his room now”

“Oh my god I was too busy fishing and missed when he left his room”

I stood outside his room for days and that’s why I never met anyone.

Sam

Considered going after him instead of Seb for a minute

Like I actually thought he was super cute and sweet

Thought his hair was stupid and cackled for a minute

Sang sk8ter boy after I saw him on a skateboard

And by sang I mean I sang the entire song to myself while running around the map.

Also laughed at his anime hair

Shane

He was standoffish and I said that I would stalk him bc wtf is your problem

Literally I was like? I will make him want me so bad because he’s being mean.

I got over him after him being mean a couple times though then decided I wanted to make him depressed

Then found out he was actually depressed and felt bad

Harvey

I did not realize that he was a person because I never went into the clinic because I never needed to

Then when I met him I was like “OH YMCA!!!”

Idk why I thought ymca I’m so confused

Literally I never talked to him ever because I was focused on Sebastian.

Alex

I think he said something weird and I decided I wasn’t going after him

My friend then said HE was going after him because Alex was acting weird and y’know off to him bc he’s a guy( he does act different to men)

So I’d decided I wanted to mess with him and said “oh no I’m ALSO going to Alex’s house”

To which he told me to back off

Both me and my friend are petty enough to go after people that say they dislike us like absolutely not you’re not allowed

Elliott

I thought he was an asshole

Not because he said something mean

But because he kept talking like a rich guy that knows everything

It annoyed me

I also thought he looked like the love interest on the cover of a weird romance novel

Then he said something about a crab in his pocket and I was like oh he’s me but not afraid of sea animals okay

Penny

Lmao me

She was reading under a tree and was very awkward

Also I thought she was really pretty

Like insanely pretty

I think I chose her as the woman that I would marry if I were into women and not obsessing over Sebastian.

Leah

I thought she was Penny and got VERY confused bc wasn’t she just wearing a skirt wtf

Then realized they were different

Then my friend decided she was going after her

So I decided that I wanted to befriend her because why not

I just like being a menace in games

Also thought she was a Lesbian immediately.

Haley

I WOWOWOWK

I thought she was the HOTTEST woman in the game

Then tried to befriend her

And she gave me mean girl vibes so I decided that I hated her

Literally made me feel like I was in school and being made fun of

Avoided her after that because absolutely not.

Maru

BLACK GIRL BLACK GIRL BLACK GIRL

Technically mixed BUT BLACK GIRL

If you cannot tell I am a black girl and I got excited at the depiction of a black person that is nerdy and smart like actually

Thought she was very socially awkward like MAAM what?

I think I met her once then the next time I saw her was at one of the festivals?

Maybe it was the Luau when I finally talked to her again

And she just SLLLLLURPs

And I’m like????ok that’s gross but mood

Emily

I wish my hair was still blue

Literally my first thought

Then I was like??????? Who is this lady dancing wtf

I’m pretty sure I briefly met her during the first time I played with my friends but only like I clicked through her words so fast because I wanted to finish the meet everyone task so I could fuck Sebastian

So when I finally played alone and took the time to get to know people I was like???? Where’d she come from???

Abigail

*clears throat* WIIIIIIITCH

Also I disliked her a lot

I’m pretty sure I hated her more than I hated Haley

And I’m pretty sure it was because her dialogue was like “go away” or something and I was annoyed like bitch this is the first time I’m talking to you wtf

Then she said something about being disappointed she couldn’t go on the farm anymore because I’m there and I decided to take it offensively because I already disliked her

I thought she was pretty but that was overshadowed by the worst first impression.

Then I found out her and Sebastian were paired and got in the way so many times

Like I actually blocked her from going into his house by standing there so she couldn’t get in

Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t a “omg girl likes my man she needs to get a life” thing

It was more of a “I dislike her because she was mean to me now she’s no longer allowed to go in here only I am because I wanna be mean.”

#stardew valley #sdv #stardew #sdv headcanons #stardew headcanon #stardew valley headcanons #sdv shitpost #stardew shitpost #stardew valley shitpost #sdv sebastian #sdv sam #sdv shane #sdv alex #sdv harvey #sdv elliott #sdv hcs #sdv leah #sdv maru #sdv abigail #sdv haley #sdv emily #sdv penny

[juyomiao]

take the chance - ricky

ricky x gn!reader

genre: fluff !!! , best friends to lovers

word count: 791

warnings: ENGLISH ISNT MY FIRST LANGUAGE!! so theres going to be mistakes !!! , alcohol consumption but its barely mentioned , is it considered underage drinking if it'd only be considered as underage drinking in countries where the drinking age is above 18/19 ,, (i feel bad for u if u r from any of those countries fr)

note: first actually written work im kinda # nervous my writing skills r .. definitely writing !! this is cringe cliché and based on a dream i had like a month ago . yes im a lesbian yes i dream abt kissing ricky thats completely normal . (friends dont read this i want to disappear rn as i speak)

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You've been to countless parties since the half of the previous school year when your best friend Ricky became popular out of nowhere. You still don't know where that popularity came from, he's always been good looking, it's not like he had some kind of glow up.

Sometimes you think it's more of a curse than a blessing, with all the times you've been dragged to a party you were not invited to because Ricky, being the introvert he is, refuses to go anywhere without you and, consequently, getting dirty looks from everyone for tagging along and 'leeching' off of Ricky's popularity.

Even now, when people have more or less come to terms with the fact that you two are a package deal, you still despise parties, only appreciating a few things about them, like drinking for free and… nothing else, really.

It's not like Ricky enjoys them either, he'd rather stay home with you and watch some romance drama as you eventually fall asleep with your head on his shoulder. But it's not like he can reject every single invite thrown at him. So you two came to a compromise: one weekend at a party, one weekend at your house.

The boredom of awkwardly standing in a corner as you silently watch yet another drunk couple make out, careless of the countless other people surrounding them, soon gets to you, and you blurt out a question.

"Have you ever kissed someone?"

Ricky's calm expression falters for a second, his eyes widening. He just hopes the dimly lit room is hiding the blush creeping on his cheeks.

He's your best friend, how do you not know?

Well, Ricky is a private person and, even having known him for years, he barely talks about his romantic life, so you've never dared prying into it.

"Of course," he says, after composing himself "You?"

You shake your head, breaking eye contact with him. "And I don't think it's going to happen any time soon," you sigh. At this point, it's a hopeless mission.

Ricky is convinced if it wasn't for the loud music in the background, everyone would be able to hear the cogs turning in his brain as it processes this information.

His best friend – whom he has had a crush on since forever – has never kissed someone.

Ricky looks at you through the corner of his eye, wondering if he should take the chance and possibly change your relationship forever – for the better or the worse, he doesn't know.

To you, though, it just looks like he's side-eyeing you with his usual unreadable expression, and you think you fucked up. You assume he's judging you, because not only are you a complete, bitchless loser, but you brought the conversation up yourself.

"Forget it, I don't know why I said that, sorry, now you probably think I'm weird and…" you start rambling, and to Ricky, that's the cutest thing he has ever seen.

God, he's really that down bad.

Suddenly, an idea pops up in his head.

"Can I kiss you?"

The abrupt question leaves you speechless, your words dying in your mouth as you look at him like he has grown a second head.

"What?" It sounds dumb once you say it, but you genuinely think you misheard him. There's no way Ricky, of all people, would ask you something like that.

Ricky smiles, "I said," he turns with his shoulder leaning on the wall so he can look at you directly "Can I kiss you?"

You blink at him, dumbfounded "Wha- what? Did you… what? Did you actually say that? Am I hearing this right?"

Ricky nods, clearly amused by your reaction

"If this is a joke, it's not funny, like, at all."

"Why would I be joking?" Ricky's expression goes back to deadpan serious, he inches closer to your face "So? Is this a yes?"

You nod slowly, still trying to process what's happening. You shouldn't want this, you shouldn't be so tempted to kiss your best friend. But you are.

Before you can overthink it any further, Ricky closes the space between you two. He's hesitant at first, his lips barely brushing against yours, but when you clumsily try to reciprocate the kiss, he takes the lead.

It doesn't feel special, or magic, or like anything else people have described their first kiss as. It's just two best friends who realized their feelings for each other. And to you, that's perfect.

"So… now what?"

"How about we get out of here and go on a date?" You sigh, shaking your head, "Ricky, it's…" you check your phone "1 AM, where would we even go?"

He seems to genuinely think about it for a solid one or two minutes "McDonald's?"

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note 2 bc i cant stfu : WHY IS THE ENDING SO RUSHED I WANT TO SCREAM.. but i've wanted to post this for like a week now so im posting it anyways , pls leave some feedback if u liked it 🫶🏻

#☆ li writes #zb1 scenarios #zb1 fluff #zb1 x reader #shen ricky

[firstkanaphans]

a prompt, if you're in the mood...

(obviously please please ignore if not!)

Ray figures out that Sand has been 'taking care' of him in the bedroom this whole time. he decides to even things out a little.

(peace and good vibes, happy almost-only-friends-day to you) 🖤

I had so much fun with this, you have no idea 💕 Thank you for the request!

Read on AO3

“I am not a pillow princess!” Cheum cried. She was adorably drunk, her cheeks rosy, and she was leaning on her girlfriend’s shoulder, staring up at her like she hung the moon.

“I love you, babe,” April said with a snort. “But you are.”

“I am not!” Cheum whined. Then she stopped to think about it and dissolved into giggles. “Okay, maybe I am. But just a little bit!” She held her fingers up only a millimeter apart to demonstrate how little of a pillow princess she actually was and April plucked her hand out of the air.

“Do you see these?” April said, brandishing Cheum’s inch-long nails towards Ray as proof. They were filed to sharp points. “Would you want these talons inside of you?”

Ray winced at the mental image. He was unsure how he had gotten involved in this conversation in the first place. It was apparently his punishment for going to a gay bar alone with two lesbians since they were the only ones willing to drink with him.

“No?” he tried. It seemed like the correct answer.

“Thank you!” April crowed, vindicated, and then returned Cheum’s hand to her.

“My mouth works just fine, thank you very much,” Cheum said, cradling her manicured hand to her chest. “And you like my nails!”

“I do like your nails,” April agreed with a grin. Cheum scrunched her nose in delight and then pulled April in for a hug. Ray was still trying to figure out what the hell they were talking about.

“So, a pillow princess is a…?” he said, struggling with the context clues while three beers deep.

“She’s a bottom,” April said, putting it into terms he might understand. “She likes to just lay there and let me do all the work.”

Cheum smacked per playfully. “Don’t listen to her, Ray. She’s lying!”

Ray thought back to the night before when Sand had dropped down to his knees in the bathroom of P’Yo’s bar to suck Ray’s dick. Or a few days before that when he had spread Ray out on his bed and fucked him to three separate orgasms before coming himself. He thought about how even despite their economic differences, Sand was always the one taking care of him, offering him food and music and time. He was starting to worry it might be a pattern.

It wasn’t that Ray never returned the favor. He could suck dick with the best of them and he was a very interactive bottom, thank you very much. But sometimes, yes, he liked to just lay there and let himself be worshiped. What was so wrong with that? Horror washed over him.

“Oh my god. I think I’m a pillow princess.”

Cheum tilted her head and examined him carefully. “I can see that.”

“It’s not a bad thing,” April insisted even though she had just spent the past ten minutes teasing her girlfriend for it. “I like being the one that gets to take care of her.”

That made Ray feel better for all of ten seconds before Cheum butted in. “But you can’t just lay there all the time,” she snapped, clearly aware that moderation was not a concept Ray had ever had a firm grasp of. “You have to give some too. You’re giving some too—right, Ray?”

Ray downed the rest of his beer and stood up from the table. He was in desperate need of another.

Unfortunately, Ray couldn’t stop thinking about it. He’d had a lot of sex in his life—a lot of good sex. Or at least he had thought. But after one conversation with Cheum, suddenly he was questioning everything.

Was Sand happy with him—like, sexually? Because sex, alcoholism, and the occasional car ride home were pretty much the only things he was bringing to the table. If Sand left…Ray shuttered to even think about it. Sand was the one bright spot in his life right now; he couldn’t lose him. It would kill him. So, the next time Sand found his way into Ray’s bedroom, Ray was determined to prove his worth.

They crashed through the door kissing wildly, a trail of discarded clothes in their wake, and as soon as they reached the bed, Ray pushed Sand down onto the mattress. Hard.

Sand sat, bouncing with the impact, and laughed. “What’s gotten into you?”

“Nothing,” Ray lied. “I just want to take care of you.”

And then he dropped to his knees.

It occurred to him belatedly that he had never given a blow job quite like this before. Usually he was horizontal on a bed with a comfortable mattress beneath his knees, but now, staring up at Sand, who was staring down at him, he felt small. He swallowed hard.

“By all means,” Sand said, spreading his legs wide. "Go right ahead."

Ray let out the breath he had been holding and then reached for Sand’s belt. Sand lifted his hips to allow Ray to remove his pants, but otherwise, he didn’t offer to help. Instead, he watched Ray work with the fascination of a predator hunting prey. It was almost as if he couldn’t believe Ray was actually doing this. Until he took Sand into his mouth.

Sand moaned at the first brush of Ray’s tongue against him, but he didn’t lose himself to the pleasure the way Ray always did. Whenever Sand sucked him off, Ray’s eyes would roll back in his head, he would collapse down onto the sheets, and he would, well, just lay there. Exactly like Cheum had accused him of. But Sand didn’t do that. Instead, he watched Ray with an intensity that made his whole body feel like it had been set on fire. Ray reveled in the warmth. In the attention. He always did.

He swallowed Sand down as deep as he could, allowing himself to gag a bit because the one time he’d done that by accident, Sand had come almost immediately. Sand was on to him this time, though. His eyes darkened at the sound, but then he reached out, tangled his fingers gently in Ray’s hair, and began moving his head slower. Ray found that he liked being told what to do.

He worked up a rhythm, sucking Sand exactly how he was instructed—slow and messy, using his hand to stroke what he couldn’t comfortably fit in his mouth—and the whole time he watched Sand from beneath his eyelashes, hoping that he looked the spitting image of the selfless partner he was trying to be. But the unnerving thing was that Sand was watching him right back. And he looked hungry.

It was a look Ray usually only saw when Sand was inside of him and it broke his resolve. It made him want. He pulled off of Sand’s dick with an audible pop, pushed him down on the bed, and then crawled on top of him, kissing him deeply as if that might help expel some of the tension building inside of him. Sand kissed him back, but despite the fact that he was the one who had just gotten his dick sucked—quite well, Ray might add—he wasn’t yet as far gone as Ray was. He was still in control. He began stripping Ray of his clothes as Ray stripped Sand of his and soon, they were both naked, pressed skin against skin.

Sand reached for Ray’s lube—they had done this enough times now for him to know where it was kept—but before he could uncap it, Ray plucked the bottle from his hand.

“I told you already,” he said, pushing Sand back against the mattress and pinning his wrists to the bed. “Tonight, I’m taking care of you.”

To his surprise, Sand actually stayed where he put him. His cheeks were flushed at the novelty of being told what to do and it made Ray preen. Maybe he was actually doing this right. Once satisfied that he had no plans to move, Ray slicked up his own fingers with lube and reached around to open himself up. Sand’s fists were clenched tight in the sheets as if it pained him not to touch.

“You’re torturing me,” Sand corrected.

Ray shushed him and then kissed his lips and that seemed to calm Sand a bit.

It didn’t take long for Ray to stretch himself open. When Sand did it, he liked to take his time, liked to make Ray squirm, liked to make sure Ray wouldn’t feel even an ounce of pain. But Ray didn’t mind pain. He liked when he could feel it. So he grabbed a condom, rolled it onto Sand’s dick, already wet with saliva and precome, and then straddled him.

“Wait,” Sand said, stopping him. Ray stopped with a pout that Sand sat up and kissed from his lips.

“You’re supposed to be relaxing!” Ray argued, but Sand paid him no mind. Instead, he reached behind Ray and slipped two fingers inside of him. Ray moaned, pressing back against his hand and pushing the fingers further inside.

“What are you doing?” Ray whined. “Do you not trust me?”

“You’re not acting like yourself,” Sand said sheepishly. “I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t going to hurt you.”

“I am too acting like myself!” Ray said, pushing Sand back down onto the mattress a little harder than was strictly necessary.

“That’s the Ray, I know,” Sand said, laughing, but he was looking up at Ray with eyes so fond, Ray wasn’t quite sure what to do with them. So instead of trying to figure it out, he leaned forward and kissed him, reaching down at the same time to push Sand inside of him.

Ray moaned against Sand’s lips as he entered him and then sat back up, forcing him in deeper. And, just like always, Ray was taken aback at just how perfectly they fit together. Ray had had sex with a lot of men—more men, quite frankly, than he probably even remembered—but Sand was the first person who had ever been able to fill him so completely. It was as if their bodies had been made for each other.

Ray closed his eyes and rolled his hips just slightly, getting a feel for Sand inside of him, and he heard Sand’s sharp intake of breath as if the movement had surprised him. He had ridden Sand before, but even then, Sand had been doing most of the work. To be on top of him, in complete control of both of their pleasure…it was intoxicating.

He placed a hand over Sand’s heart to anchor himself and then slowly, he began to ride. He lifted up on his knees and then pushed back down and when he opened his eyes to look at Sand, he was biting his lip so hard he looked liable to draw blood.

“Too slow?” Ray teased, giving another half-hearted roll of his hips.

Sand growled and snapped his hips up, sending a shockwave of electricity through Ray. He shivered at how good it felt and he hated to stop him, but he had to. That’s not the game they were playing tonight. He pulled off of Sand completely.

“I told you,” he said as Sand whined. “I’m taking care of you tonight.”

Sand rolled his eyes. “Then you need to go faster.”

“Fine,” Ray said, once again pinning Sand’s hand back to the mattress next to his head. “But you have to behave.” The look Sand gave him then made it clear that behaving was the last thing on his mind, but when Ray let him go, he dutifully kept his arms pinned. “Good boy.”

He situated Sand at his entrance and then bore down, taking in just the tip at first—a small punishment for Sand’s insolence—before sitting all the way down. Sand moaned, but his gaze never wavered. He stared at Ray the whole time, his eyes dark and hungry. And for his obedience, Ray rewarded him, moving just the way he knew Sand liked: hard and fast with his body on full display.

Sand reached for him again without otherwise moving and this time, Ray let him. He let Sand touch his body, let him scratch gently across his nipples, but when he reached for Ray’s dick, Ray stopped him. Today wasn’t about him. Sand grumbled at the correction, but he knew better than to argue after what it had gotten him last time, so he settled for just laying there with his hands on Ray’s hips, watching.

Ray made sure he was a sight to behold. He rolled his hips sensually, letting his dick bounce up and down with each thrust, and every so often, he would whisper Sand’s name because everytime he did, he could feel Sand’s dick twitch inside of him.

Soon, Sand’s fingernails were digging scars into Ray’s hips and Ray could tell he was getting close. He leaned forward, changing the angle, and kissed Sand on the lips. Sand immediately wrapped his arms around him tight, holding him in place, and kissed him harder. But Ray could tell it wasn’t enough. He could tell that Sand wanted more. And since today was all about pleasing Sand, he was inclined to give him what he wanted.

“Do you want to fuck me?” Ray asked against his lips.

Sand whined. “Yes. Please.”

“How badly do you want to fuck me?”

“Ray,” Sand scolded.

Ray smirked and then paused, making Sand wait for the answer. “Then go ahead.”

Immediately, Sand flipped them and began thrusting into Ray hard. Ray couldn’t help it—he cried out at how good it felt. At how well Sand knew his body. At how well he could walk that line between pleasure and pain.

“Faster,” Ray begged and Sand did as he was commanded. Ray just lay there and took it like the pillow princess that he was, but Sand didn’t seem to mind. He kept fucking him, his mouth latched onto Ray’s neck, and he was panting with exertion, but there was a softness to his touch. Ray could tell that he wasn’t ready for it to end. But when Sand reached for Ray’s dick, Ray stopped him.

“You first,” he said. It was the least he could do. If Sand came first, maybe then his mission wouldn’t be a complete failure. Maybe then he could still hold his head high knowing he had been the cause of his pleasure at least once.

Sand grumbled, displeased with the idea, but he wasn’t the type to play games—in bed or otherwise—so he gave Ray what he wanted. He thrust into him one last time and then came with a grunt. And because Ray was right there on the edge of orgasm himself—too impatient to wait for Sand to recover, too starved to waste the opportunity to come while Sand was still inside of him—he reached between them and began stroking himself. Within seconds, he came as well, his body clenching around Sand’s.

They lay there tangled together, still connected, for several minutes before Sand finally pulled out of him. Once he did, Ray took it upon himself to get up and grab rags to clean them with. Sand seemed surprised by the gesture. He watched Ray all the way to the bathroom. Surely Ray had done this for him before, right? Surely.

He made Sand lay still as he ran the warm rag over his body, cleaning him meticulously. Sand watched him the whole time. Only once Ray had disposed of the rag and crawled back into bed with him, tucking his smaller body beneath Sand’s arm, did he speak.

“What are you pouting about?” Sand teased. “That was some of my best work.”

“I’m not pouting,” Ray argued. After an orgasm that good, pouting would be impossible. But he was a bit dejected. “I just wanted to make you feel as good as you always make me feel.”

Sand laughed, but then broke off when he realized Ray wasn’t joking. “You’re serious? Ray, are you really going to make me say it?”

“Say what?” Ray asked, legitimately confused.

Sand sighed and propped himself up on his elbow so that he was hovering over Ray. “You’re the best fuck I’ve ever had,” he said, pushing Ray playfully. “Don’t let it go to your head.”

Ray preened. “Really?”

Sand rolled his eyes. “I’m not saying it again,” he said, plopping back down onto the mattress. “Now, speak. What’s gotten into you?”

Although the truth was embarrassing, it seemed rude to hide it when it was causing Sand to worry. “It was brought to my attention that I might have been a bit selfish in bed.”

“Brought to your attention by who?” Sand snorted. “Your other lovers?”

“By Cheum.”

Sand shook his head, looking on the verge of laughter. “Ray, I like that you’re a spoiled brat in bed.”

Ray blinked in surprise. “Really?”

“We’ve been fucking almost every day for months. Did you really think I wasn’t enjoying it?”

Before Sand, Ray had had a lot of sex he didn’t particularly enjoy just to feel close to someone. He didn’t bother mentioning that to Sand. He found it touching that Sand enjoyed him, spoiled brat and all.

“So I’m not a pillow princess?”

“Oh, you’re a pillow princess, alright,” Sand said. Ray smacked him with a pillow and Sand laughed, emerging from the other side with his hair mussed, his cheeks pink, his eyes shining with mirth. “But you’re my pillow princess,” he added, pulling Ray down into a kiss.

Ray tried to feign anger, but it was impossible while staring at Sand’s megawatt smile. Instead, he broke down in a fit of giggles and collapsed into Sand’s side. Although the evening hadn’t gone quite as planned, he fell asleep that night with that knowledge that he was enough, just as he was, and he felt no shame for it. There were benefits to being royalty, after all.

#only friends the series #only friends fic #sandray #sandray fic #asks #sarah writes things

[i-like-anything-water]

Oh man, that fainting scene was PERFECT!! If my questions ever get to be a bother, don't hesitate to let me know; I'm just excited to find another Chloenette fan, and your thoughts are amazing to me. What do you think of these ideas?

AU where Marinette finds the Butterfly and basically becomes an anarchist passing out powers and is convinced she's the hero, Chloe gets the Ladybug and is struggling not to crack under the pressure of being a hero and unknowingly becoming a good person.

AU where the only change to canon is that, at the start of Origins, Chloe and Marinette are dating... but Chloe's the exact same brat she is in canon. The two are genuinely in love, but tend to feed each other's bad habits; for a dash of irony, Adrien and Marinette end up rivals due to Adrien's concerns that Marinette is enabling Chloe, and Marinette thinks Adrien is trying to get between her and Chloe.

Pure, fluffy Crack Chloenette where Chloe goes full Karen and channels her inner Audrey at a fast food restaurant when they screw up Marinette's order. Everyone is afraid, except for Marinette, who is just reminded why she loves this girl.

Like, again, I hope I'm not being a bother, and if I ever get to be, please let me know.

sup

no not all. i actually enjoying answering asks about my ships hjsizjajskskw. thank you, I try my best to make my thoughts coherent.

first one, I'm guessing this is aged up or when they're adults. young Marinette doesn't seem like the type to do that let alone have resources and time for that. Marinette one her twenties just trying to help people while also juggling life and its challenges. she thinks she's doing everyone a favor but with power comes consequences and humans have always had greed. so sometimes it does more annoyances than helping.

Chloe is always on the spotlight, especially now that she's prepared to take over their business. she's still young , around 24-27, but her family is anything but unprepared. becoming ladybug at age 20 was the biggest shock of her life and biggest blessing. if Tikki wasn't here she would have already lost her mind and said 'fuck it, all of you suck' and became her mother 2.0

there's drama, there's sexual tension and 'oh god she's my enemy I shouldn't be blushing like a teenager!' they get paired up in work together in their civilian forms and sparks fly (literally lmao). but they can't. because how could they when they still had someone to capture? someone to keep an eye on and capture? how can they think of each other when they should be thinking of someone else (which is still them lmao silly lesbians).

second one reminds me of that one wenclair fic I read where they're not even remotely good but god their romance was epic and lovely. Marinette is actually the more dominant and initiative in their relationship but she's so much better at hiding it. It thrills Chloe whenever they go on their dates and escapades where they beat up people they don't like (which in their defense are mostly sexist, pedo, homophobes etc.) after obtaining their miraculous. i have to do a bit of Kwami swap and have the ladybug, bee and cat on the same tier. still ladybug and queen bee though and they're a trio.

Adrien is just worried for his friend but he wasn't there when Chloe had no one, when Marinette was cornered, when Chloe had beaten up a guy that was way too close, when Marinette had talked Audrey shit in the face after Chloe's 13 bday. He wasn't there, so of course he didn't understand. It doesn't stop him though. He tries to reach out to his childhood friend only to be stopped with a glare from Marinette. He glares back.

"I think he's interested in you," there's a pout to her voice and Chloe smiles. She reaches a hand to brush the hair that's fallen on Marinette's face, cupping her cheek, "Nonsense. He only sees me as a friend. My best guess is he's worried I'm corrupting you."

Amusement flashes into the girl's eyes, "You? But you're an absolute angel, my love."

Chloe snorts as Marinette wraps an arm around her, "Screw you."

"Gladly."

this one could be connected to the second one in terms of their relationship. Marinette is kind and shy and still a bit clumsy, but she's also more confident with her love and doesn't have much inhibitions whenever she wants to know something or gets things done. Especially when it's for Chloe.

She watches in amusement as Chloe chews them out, garnering eyes from anyone inside the store. She should stop her girlfriend, tell her it was only a mistake. But her girlfriend is so damn attractive right now and it fills her with butterflies that Chloe would make sure she was pampered even at the smallest of things.

She does the same of course. She wouldn't hesitate to manipulate or blackmail anyone that comes too close to her liking. So far Adrien hasn't crossed the line, but the idea of toying with him crossed her mind. She wouldn't do it because Chloe is his friend and she doesn't want Chloe upset at her.

After they're done in the restaurant she pulls her girlfriend to the side, smirking at the blushing blonde. "You looked absolutely beautiful there, mon amour."

And that's all. I've been thinking about slightly darker/grey Marinette in my fics but I have yet to find the perfect formula on how to execute her. She's fun though, I like playing with her obsessive characteristics. Also, it's never a bother to me regarding asks about my ships or anything in particular long as it's respectful when asked. Thank you for the asks! Lovely aus indeed.

#chlonette #chloenette #chloe bourgeois #marinette dupain cheng #asks #k7l4d4 #they'd be such an iconi duo #the tension the drama the stolen glances #the rivalries and whispered sweet promised #they make me crazy in a way i am not complaining about #i answered this half asleep so some of em could be crack

[ineadhyn]

Writer interview

@vixstarria tagged me and I finally get to do it! Thank you <3

I am tagging @sky-kiss @scuttlingcrab and @thedomesticanthropologist

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

13 and some are multi-chapter. All are BG3 except for a german Inkheart one

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

85.408 -that is a surprising amount of words for being active less than a year

3. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

His consort, his god - I finally wrote smut for a popular ship XD (bloodweave)

At her mercy - kinky sapphic Karlach x Durge smut

Natures most beloved treasure - Halsin x trans masc Tav smut

Direct from Hell Logistics - ongoing Raphael x Haarlep comedy/angst/smut/plot - this one has it all

A song of snow and embers and Copper Hearts share this place. one is a F/F/F/F foursome and the other my Astarion x male Tav longfic

4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I appreciate every single comment and try to show that. There's nothing better than the e-mail that says "comment on your work" and it can make my whole day. Sometimes I don't know what to respond if it's just a word or a keybord smash, but rest assured I see you and I love every one of those, too.

5. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Angsty ending hmmmm. Because some of my stuff is not completed yet I am not gonna spoil anything but Dust and ash about Astarion's backstory was naturally quite angsty

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

Not. gonna. spoil XD

7. Do you write crossovers?

Not yet. Maybe I could count Copper hearts because I took Francys from my original work and planted him into Bg3

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

No, not yet.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I do. I am exploring all kinds atm with preferably queer pairings wlw or mlm or nb. I can also write mlw from the men's perspective but not the other way round :D

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not as far as I know.

11. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Boy I wish.

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No and I am not sure if I could commit to a project like that.

13. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Hmmmmm ... Raphlep probably

14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

My german Inkheart fic with a genderbent lesbian Basta. Damn I was invested in creating this character, but gave up after a while because it was a lot of work and it being german and a niche topic in a small fandom was not very rewarding tbh. I know I should not care and maybe I'll come back to it when the Inkheart obsession comes over me again.

15. What are your writing strengths?

I am good at setting the scene. Atmosphere and small mundane details that make the setting feel alive. I have always liked that in reading as in writing, because it makes you feel like you are actually there when you can hear and smell and taste the scene.

Also I am okay at developing coherent plot, but that's mainly practice from writing a lot of og work before I started with fics.

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

I still struggle with english grammar and punctuation at times so I always have a beta reader. And I am lucky to have great ones.

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I am not a fan. It confuses me. Singular phrases and such yes, but not entire dialogue. Especially if it's german in an english fic I get super confused.

18. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

*digs through her files* So, my first works were basically fic for my best friend's story. (I was in my early teens.) But since she was the author the lines between canon and fic are blurry and the "fandom" consisted of three people of which one was the author XD

So if we don't count that the first one would be Hunger Games - It was one chapter and I never published it

19. What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to?

We'll see what posesses me next I guess, though I think Bg3 will stay with me for a considerable amount of time. And ship wise ... I feel Durgetash creeping up on me.

20. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

Definitely Direct from Hell Logistics. I am having so much fun with it. It constantly makes me laugh and sheme and I also feel all the angst. Also it is ongoing and I get to explore the story alongside the readers (though I have a rough plot structure to keep me on track).

#bg3 #raphael fic #astarion fic #ao3 writer #bg3 fanfiction #my writing

[scover-va]

I need to know more about Michael's mom... Is she a cool mom?

SHE IS A VERY COOL MOM janet afton you will always be famous. to me

Im taking this as a chance to finally ramble abt her anyways so Janet's core inspo when designing her was to avoid 2 key things. Don't make her like Immortal & Th Restless's Clara (due to clara representing michael, not mrs afton, so i wanted to avoid that), and don't base her too heavily off of Ballora. I still have ties to Ballora's character (a music-based theme, blue-centric colour palette, im sure there were more basic ideas but everything else is more hc than themes to keep up) due to my hc thingy of each Funtime having ties to William's wife + kids, but yknow.

But yeah. Funky lady who played bass guitar + did backup vocals in a band during her high school and college years. Literally her and William dating can be summed up by "Seriously, what do you see in that guy?!" "He makes me laugh." bc she was and is WAY out of his goddamn league. Not just bc of the whole serial killer thing he was just an even bigger loser in college. Normal people dont develop a crush on a woman after she nearly breaks your nose and makes you bleed, William /j

But yeah uhh. I also dont like the idea of her being absent or neglectful purely because I got way too attached to her (i was originally gonna do that just to make things easy for myself but. Pretty lady,,, I am a very simple lesbian what can i say) so like. She obviously wasnt the greatest, most fantastic mom to ever exist given she was kinda maybe sorta well aware William was making some weird fucking clowns, but like. Hey. She tried. Also side note my reasoning for her being absent during the whole. Yknow. '83 event (and just evan's bday in general) is bc Evan + Elizabeth are twins and Elizabeth demanded a girls-only trip for her bday, and Janet promised Evan she'd do something just as special for him when she got back. That never happened bc he died lmao loser /j

But yeah uhh. Shes got a lot of regrets. Wishes she coulda done a lot of things better. Kinda dies with those regrets. Ive seen people say that one of fnaf's charms is that no character is 100% good and i LOVE that, and wanted to keep it up with Janet. Good mom and overall a good person, however made some bad decisions along the way and whatnot.

Im still working out specifics (ive been slowly working on a lil private fic abt her and william meeting + their early relationship) but uhhh. Minor notes that dont get their own paragraphs is that William sampled her voice for Ballora so yay easy voice claim, she had an on and off relationship with her band's lead singer (her name's Bev), her birth name is actually Janice Schmidt but if you call her Janice she'll knock at least 2 of ur teeth out, she's a runaway teen and got adopted by this older couple bc her home life kinda sucked (idk specifics yet), and also girlie has an extensive criminal record of minor angsty teen type charges. Also teen Mike dying his hair and then 2020's Michael's hairstyle are both kinda references to Janet's hair because he wnated to look less like his father. Thats all ty. No read more bc you WILL look at my mrs afton post, boy /j

Actually no theres more that im remembering as i write the tags and edit a few details. Back to her and William because god im insane about them. So for starters it. Well i was gonna say Janet was def the first to flirt but i think William definitely developed a crush first and they only kept talking bc of said crush so its kinda up for debate. Anyways yeah at first it was a HUGE sorta like "Well he's funny especially when I fluster him so this can be just a fun lil thing" but because they chatted more they def kinda like. Clicked more. William was a huge fan of listening to her music (from. a distance. he looked kinda like a creep but at least janet only misinterpreted it once) but like *specifically* janet he didnt give a fucking shit abt the rest of the band. Uhh. They had their first run-in and janet kinda. Well. Punched him in the nose before he cleared up that he is NOT a pervert or anything weird like that (bc a guy that looks older than he is staring from a distance when there is a clear crowd he could join kinda gave janet the Wrong idea), then they later bumped into each other in the hall and chatted for a bit, then they kinda just kept "accidentally" running into one another. Uhhh. Some cigaerette-themed flirting and a house party later, yay dating :] can you tell where the current cut-off of the fic is /j Also idk how to put this down properly but they are both runaways and can kinda. Get that vibe from one another. Literally Michael is like some fucked up abomination of the both of them between the troubled past + weird situationship thing + runaway stuff + a lot of minor details that arent important rn. I just. Yeah Janet means the world to me go thru her tag on my blog for some art. Not all of my janet art is posted but the non-posted stuff is all concept work/doodles or just. Shit im too embarrassed to post lmao. Anyways NOW im done ty for reading

#scov.txt #janet afton #fnaf: hauntings of the past au #scov.ocs #it goes into the oc tag bc fuck you thats why #RRAUAGAH I AM. SO INSANE OVER HER #afton family and their weird gay situationships. aka will + henry and mike + jeremy and janet + bev #IK A LOT OF THIS ISNT EVEN ABT HER KIDS im so sorry #i dont have a lotta thoughts on evan and honestly i domt have a lot of family details figured out #like. everything is kinda just. general basics #plus also i dont wanna give janet too much focus on account of shes not. extremely important #she has her role to play in the au but theres far more influential characters yknow?? #anyways for those of you who have read this far both w/ post and tags. i have one last thing to share #my gf and i have a spinoff au and she and henry are currently dating (both got divorced long in advance dw) #(like. several decades ago. bc this is ghost shenanigans in the sb era) #thats all ty and gn (<- not sleeping its just night where i am)

[ma-lark-ey]

I feel like challenging GOD so in my first ever read of Harry Potter I will be listing all of my headcanons in one big master post and sending it into the void space of tumblr thank you goodbye. I have no concept over which of these are hottakes, which of these are widely accepted, and which of them are just me being batshit crazy because as I write this I have never once looked at the Harry Potter fandom proper and my only knowledge of it is My Immortal and the fact that TikTok thinks Harry's dad and Sirius' little brother should makeout. 1. Ron Weasley is autistic.

2. Neville Longbottom is half-Korean on his mother's side, and also probably wears goofy little frog overalls.

3. Ron is tall, Harry is Short

4. Harry's scar is smattered across his face like a lightning storm and not just one little bolt, that's pussy shit. Make that shit dramatic

5. Ron and Luna probably had a fling at one point. Autism for autism

6. No way this isn't fanon, but Luna Lovegood is autistic.

7. Ginny Weasley is the HOTTEST bitch in Hogwarts and she is AWARE.

8. In Goblet of Fire the entire little Ron and Harry arc happening there was that they had a summer fling and then broke up when Ron had his little pissboy arc and they were both babies about it and then went back to having their regularly scheduled bromance thank you goodnight

9. Harry is actually dating a new person each book, no matter how short-lived it is. Why? Comedy. It's FUNNY.

10. I think Harry and Ginny have a shotgun wedding at like, nineteen.

11. All I know is that in my brief dive into AO3 (re: I looked up this exact tag out of morbid curiosity of it was A Thing), Sirius/Snape were apparently one of the smallest ships with like only 2k fics which is wild to me, because that enemies to lovers??? Thought bitches would eat that shit up. I don't ship it, but it still was wild.

12. Sirius and Remus are in love. (post mortum: I have now dived just slightly in the fic of Harry Potter and realize this is widely accepted fanon.)

13. Hermione wears fun frilly dresses outside of school and actually really loves dressing up and being girly fuck this 'not like other girls' agenda going on with her. Put her in a pretty dress and let her frolic in a field with flowers.

14. Luna is a seer. She goes on to teach divination

15. I was gonna say something about in my little noggin Ginny raised her and Harry's kid as a single mom or whatever and it's a fic I'm gonna work on and also his name is Remus Weasley and he's a Slytherin but APPARENTLY that's just the entire plot of the Cursed Child as my HP special interest having bestie informed me. I just added in a Gryffindor pretty boy for my Slytherin Potter boy to make out with when JKR was too much of a coward to make him gay.

16. RON SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN HUFFLEPUFF.

17. Cedric Diggory lived a very long and happy life and had a lovely spouse - guy who got really attached to this dorky little dude, knowing full well how he died.

18. It takes Harry at LEAST two marriages to women to realize he's gay. The egg takes a very long time to crack.

19. Ron is straight. He's just. He's got such bi wife energy.

20. Ginny Weasley is a raging bisexual, and so are the twins, and so is Bill. And Charlie? I know in my soul that's a nonbinary.

21. Luna Lovegood? NOT a lesbian, sorry lesbians. I'm claiming her for the aromantics. That's right. She belongs to us.

22. Fleur Delacour was a lesbian. LESBIAN.

23. Harry and Dudley reconnect in their like, thirties/forties and actually become good friends I think.

24. Harry often does diy piercings in the bathrooms during fifth and sixth year, Luna helps.

25. Fred and Lee Jordan are boyfriends god bless.

26. Out of spite for JKR, here's a list of trans woman in Harry Potter according to ME: Ginny Weasley, McGonagall, Hermione, Luna, Lily Potter (her and James are t4t), Tonks (that bitch is nonbinary transfemme),

27. I will live, breathe, and die by my personal headcannon that Tonks and Remus are comphet and in a lavender marriage but they lovingly coparent their child together and regularly at parties Tonks goes "where's my husband? Oh, he's making out with his boyfriend okay cool." and moves on.

28. Draco Malfoy's patronus is that white ferret Moody Crouch turned him into in book four.

29. In my perfect world James Potter is alive and I love him most than anything, I'm holding him like a wet cat. i literally bought three stag plushes over the month I was reading this series just because I couldn't stop thinking about him.

30. I am ignoring the implications in the epilogue that Harry did not raise Teddy Lupin, because he did, actually. That was the last promise he made to his beloved Remus Lupin and if Deathly Hallows taught us anything it's that Harry Potter keeps a fucking promise <<3

31. Molly and Arthur heavily assisted Harry in his 'I'm gonna raise this god damn orphan to good y'all won't know what hit him. I'm gonna be such a good dad.'

32. I am literally IGNORING all these implications of the Cursed Child. Draco Malfoy is also a banger dad. i think he goes to counseling and sorts out his issues and tries very hard to not put such high expectations on his own kids. I think he tries very hard to undo the damage Lucius did to him, and the bad choices he made in trying to make his parents proud of him. I think he makes sure his kids know better than anything else, that all he wants for them is joy. He wants them to be good, happy people.

33. Just Lovers - Zerrazapriel says that Sirius' patronus is Moony and that's so fucking real and true of that fucking fic and I live by that now.

34. On a similar note, Molly and Arthur have matching patronus'

35. Fuck this 'hermione minister of magic' nonsense that girl is a leftist and would never join politics did jkr forget her own fucking canon of harry and hermione doing their absolute best to fuck the government over for the last half of the series? whatever the fuck. HERMIONE TEACHES CHARMS AT HOGWARTS.

36. I'm sorry I got so heated on that last one. I had thoughts. Anyways, Draco also goes on to become head of Slytherin and teaches DADA.

37. I was so anti-Draco for the entire first five books and then the last two books Happened and so now I'm just holding him so close to my chest. He needs therapy. And i think it takes him until their mid-twenties or so, but I think he does make amends with Harry and the crew and actively tries to come back from the actions of his youth, and obviously the Golden Trio and co are sympathetic because Harry himself in the books clearly could recognize Draco was acting on the instruction of his trusted adults, trusting they knew better than him.

38. this is not a headcanon but the wandlore of Draco having a unicorn hair in his wand and the unicorn hair wizards being the most difficult to turn evil and his wand ultimately being the one to defeat voldemort is sooooooo. He's such a product of grooming and I think about him. I want to study him.

39. YOU KNOW WHAT. what if I said harry trans woman who unpacks her gender after the war is over and has time to contemplate who she is as a person and her and Draco become a very cute and in love little couple in their early thirties??? what then???? (does this fic exist and if it does give me links)

40. I think the funniest mental image ever is if Harry just shows up to a party or whatever with everyone when they're like, 26 with Draco fucking Malfoy in his arm and is like "this is my boyfriend" with no further explanation or nothing and half of the group is like "no yeah this is an expected development" and the other half is like "THE BITCHBOY????" and yeah.

I will most definitely have more Harry Potter thoughts as time goes on but this is all I'll put into the world. Good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight.

#harry potter #lark says #there's a lot here and i dont fully remember what all i said #but it sure is a lot of thoughts I've put into the world.

[cairavende]

Worm Arc 13 thoughts:

Everything is fine, everyone is doing great, but Brian might need to use some vacation days. Just, I dunno, something tells me the dude might benefit from a short break.

We start right off with Taylor refusing to admit she kicked Mannequin's ass, even though all of her allies and all of his allies both agree she did. Which is my daughter 101. I wish she could love herself a little more.

Lisa got her game. It might not be perfect but I think it was well done by her. It still gives them more structure to work with, and more ways to fight back. As this arc shows.

Aisha is way to fucking reckless. I mean I feel for her I really do, but god damn girl. Sometimes your teammates are right! Even if your brother can be a bit of a dick about it.

General note, I absolutely love how Wildbow wrote stuff around Aisha using her power. Just every bit of it. It is very good. I have legit multiple times during this went "Oh fuck I forgot about IMP!" and that is perfect.

Mannequin kills Lucy, so he goes from being on my shit list to being on my super shit list. I'm going to be sad if I never get to see him die.

If Bentley had died I would have burned the world down. So luckily that didn't happen.

Sucks that Mannequin also killed some of Skitter's people. And that he ended up living in the end. But it was fun to watch him get his ass kicked a second time and have to get saved by Burnscar.

I fucking LOVE Genesis. I'm so glad we get to see more of her. Her power is so much fun.

WOLFSPIDER! Taylor bonding with Bitch over trauma. Taylor basically thinking you want someone to tell you want to do. And then “You had me at no holds barred"! AHHHH! Murder lesbians. Go fuck them up girls.

Skitter had a pretty decent plan for attacking the Nine, all things considered. Very good use of their strengths and the abilities they had on hand. But she did make one major mistake. Well, to be fair everyone involved did. And that was having Trickster be the only sniper. They should have brought a few of Coil's troops. Even one more half competent sniper and they would have killed one of the Nine in that first attack. If they had brought Coil's Sniper? 2 of the Nine dead minimum, maybe 3.

Also, the mannequins for Trickster to swap people with were very clever. Though they could have prevented Brian getting captured if they had brought 1 more. And you don't even need a good sniper with those. Point a gun at the head of a mannequin. Swap and shoot at basically the same moment. Bullet hits them before they even know they've swapped and you can't miss. But still, they did pretty good.

I mean maybe not from Grue's PoV, but whatever. He didn't die! He's fine.

Cherish getting absolutely fucking DESTROYED by Tattletale! Oh god it was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. Cherish tries to get into Tattletales head and Tattletale is just constantly 10 steps ahead and just gaaahhh! Fuck I love it. I would read 100 chapters that was just Tattletale fucking with people like that.

The setup Skitter used to talk to the Protectorate was so fucking cool. Full blown mimicking human speech with only bugs?! She's amplified her words before, but never had the bugs speak entirely on their own. Just the most badass thing. The thing that makes everyone remember you! Swarm of bugs shows up at the superhero base, takes the shape of a person and starts talking with bug sounds, saying "oh hey we just kicked the fuck out of the Nine and captured two of them, wanna actually be heroes and help us finish this?" God damn.

Also Trickster getting through a locked door by teleporting the lock away was very neat.

Of course the heroes don't help. Miss Militia and her "We can handle that on our own, with more calculation and less recklessness." Really? Are you really going to have less recklessness? Cause I've read the interlude. But more on that later.

HOLY FUCK IT SUCKS TO BE BRIAN! I mean, he got better. But still!

I knew my daughter wasn't going to die. I knew her two girlfriends weren't going to die. I was pretty sure Imp and Grue weren't going to die (I wasn't sure how Grue was living but it seemed likely) but even with all that I was kinda panicking during the whole Bonesaw thing.

SECOND TRIGGER EVENT! SECOND TRIGGER EVENTS CONFIRMED! FUCK YES! I'M SO SORRY THAT HAD TO HAPPEN TO YOU BRIAN BUT THAT WAS SO COOL!

Fucking power thief! So much possibility here!

Siberian a projection confirmed. I mean basically confirmed. Confirmed enough for me. Like sure the details aren't revealed and such, but they are totally some form of projection. (I don't list my predictions on here usually so everyone will just have to trust me when I say I guessed Siberian was a projection in arc 11 or 12.)

Also saw some (I assume) other alternate earths in that trigger event, which is neat. I'm sure they'll never come up again.

Skitter sending a note to the Protectorate that was basically "We killed one and injured another, you are a bunch of cowards that suck, fuck you!" was wonderful.

I am very sad for Doll Lesbian and I hope someone can help her! She needs care in this trying time. Cause I love her and she is so cool and it isn't fair that shitty things are happening to her.

"It isn't fair that shitty things are happening to her" is like, 85% of Worm I'm pretty sure though, so I'll probably just have to deal.

Lisa put a blanket on Taylor when she fell asleep. GAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!

Interlude 1 - Aisha's mother sucks. I'm so sorry for the poor girl. Aisha also makes very bad choices. She got so fucking lucky she got away from the Nine the first time and then just went and got herself caught anyway! The fact that her power is passive and she has to work to turn it off sure fucking sucks though.

Interlude 2 - Hey Miss Militia, remember how I said I was going to get back to the "more calculation and less recklessness"? Cause we're back to that. Piggot is planning on dropping WHITE PHOSPHOROUS on part of a city! And then dropping a bunch of bombs made by a dangerous supervillain! Bombs that no one knows exactly what they do! How is that "less recklessness"? Also the PRT is just horribly run. God damn Piggot shouldn't have to be requesting stuff from other offices directly, they should have a central admin that manages reallocation of resources in situations like this. And they should have a full system of teams setup that aren't attached to a city, but instead deploy where they are needed! The government already has systems like this for disaster response and stuff. And between Endbringers and the Nine and other stuff the PRT knows that sometimes certain locations need more support. Terribly managed, badly run, they need better admin staff. They need people that know how to use a god damn spreadsheet. I have a lot more to say about Piggot and her plan but I feel like I'll get some chances to comment on it in Arc 14.

#Worm #Worm Web Serial #Parahumans #Cairavende reads Worm #The Slaughterhouse Nine #Taylor Hebert #WOLFSPIDER #CHATTERBUG #Smugbug #I wish my daughter would not blame herself for every single death of a civilian but I know better than to expect that #I'm very curious if anyone else I've seen has had two trigger events. #I'm sure more people will in the future. #I obviously don't want anyone I love to go through terrible trauma in order to have a second trigger event . . . #BUT it is fun to think about what their new/expanded powers would be like. #I want my daughter and her two girlfriends to get double powers without having to get double trauma. #Oh and with everything else that happened this arc also my robot daughter helped stupidface master escape. Maybe he'll get killed! #One can hope

[oncemorewithqueering-tv]

twin peaks sexuality headcanons

warning: very long

my god do I have THINGS to say about this show and 99 of them are about albert

so I thought before my feed is entirely twin peaks, I’d give my thoughts on the Outrageous Gay Tension of this show with some context

also ignore my handwriting, I’m very sick at the moment and have taken a lot of paracetamol (be more responsible than me kids)

spoilers for all 3 seasons, sorry

DALE COOPER

he/him

transmasc (FTM)

bisexual

listen. listen. trucoop is real rosencoop is real it’s all real. i love coop more than i can describe (which is weird considering I’m gay) and i heavily head cannoned him as trans and bi the second he drove onto my screen. i think he’d prefer men but women are also his cup of tea, or coffee rather. anyway he deserved better and he deserved to give Harry a little kiss.

HARRY TRUMAN

he/him

cisgender male

bisexual

i originally would have said Harry was gay, but I’m not a big fan of relationship erasure. yes, he is with josie. that’s why he’s bi.

i think Harry would have had a crush on some guys at school but would have bottled it down, until coop came to town, and he suddenly had a gay crisis. if i had to pinpoint a moment, i would say his initial realisation would have been when coop steals his nose (best scene) and he would have come to terms with it by the end of season 1.

even harry is not immune to the eyes of Dale cooper.

LAURA PALMER

she/they

cisgender female (but questioning her identity)

biromantic lesbian

first up, I’d like to give my consolidation to Laura palmer and anyone who may be reading who ever experienced something like her. she is my favourite character, apart from Coop Harry and Audrey, and i think she deserved so much better. PERSONALLY i think she and Donna had a very strong emotional romance but not necessarily a physical one. i think that her experiences with men caused her to do a big ol’ comphet and assume she liked being intimate with men. in reality, i think she wasn’t actually attracted to them but was doing it, alongside all the canon reasons, to reject her feelings to women.

and James happened, i guess.

DONNA HAYWARD

she/they

demigirl

homoflexible

idk whether i just see my identity in donna, but i think she definitely isn’t 100% female. i can’t explain it at all, but i just get the vibe.

as for her sexuality, obviously she and Laura had their thing, but i think her romantic tension with literally all. the. female. characters. initially made me think she was a lesbian. but, we have the James factor.

fucking James (my reaction whenever he is onscreen btw)

i think that her emotional intimacy to Laura would have naturally led her to the other emotionally intimate person in Laura’s life. i think James is the closest thing she has to Laura left, which is so sad. i love donna, idc what the widely accepted opinion is. i believe the ‘Just You’ song scene is her grappling with her feeling with maddy. i mean tbh if my girlfriend died and then her identical twin came back, i would probably be weird about it too.

AUDREY HORNE

she/they

trans femme (MTF) (i couldn’t fit it on the picture sorry)

biromantic demisexual

AUDREY AUDREY AUDREY AUDREY MY BELOVED

when i tell you i came out of twin peaks 15% gayer it is BECAUSE OF THIS GIRL. i love her storylines, her dialogue, her friendship with coop. it all feels so realistic! and her dancing!

back to the sexuality and gender thing, which is what this post is about, i personally believe her crush on coop came from a place of seeing a happy trans person comfortable in their identity and finding that beautiful. then translating that to love.

as for being biromantic, c’mon. donna and her definitely had a thing going for a bit. her demi sexuality comes from a place of her extreme discomfort in sex work (which is valid if you aren’t demisexual, by the way, but combined with her virginity until she forms a meaningful connection, the pieces fell into place for me. yes i am also demisexual and yes i am totally biased.)

ALBERT ROSENIFELD

he/him (because he is Him)

trans masc (FTM)

gay as fuck

“I love you, sheriff Truman”

I’m sorry??? excuse me?

albert is gay in so many ways it’s not even funny. with coop. with Harry. with gordon in season 3. and my trans headcanon? idk i just sort of vibed with it. normalise head canonning people as gay or trans with no reason.

also i love the idea that Denise, Albert and coop are just a group of trans fbi agents. we already have Mulder from the x files we need more (tell me if you want an x files version of this)

GORDON COLE

he/him

cisgender male

bicurious

i honestly can’t tell if David lynch would curse me for this post or just shrug it off

anyway. gordon didn’t strike me as being particularly fruity until season 3, when he had his whole trans power speech and those weirdly domestic scenes with albert. like, pop off little fbi husbands. i think he’s still working through period-typical biphobia and isn’t ready to say he’s bi. but i think with time he will be.

someone needs to take me away from this show for like a week and sit me down with some literature. I’d just gay headcanon it anyway (looking at you Sherlock Holmes)

BOBBY BRIGGS

they/he

demiboy

bisexual

the more i watch this show, the more i think to myself…”Bobby is…me?” idk whether it’s dana ashbrook’s truly unhinged and amazing performance, the weird nervous gay energy and the lack of masculinity for a character who would normally be obnoxiously masculine. i love him so much.

i think Bobby would struggle in the gender norms of being the child of a military man. and the sexuality norms of being the “bad boy” in school. i firmly believe that he is bisexual, because let’s face it, everyone in this godforsaken show is bi. find me ONE straight character. ONE STRAIGHT.

SHELLY JOHNSON

she/her

cisgender female

heteroflexible and demisexual

SHELLY IS A LITTLE BIT GAY BECAUSE I SWEAR TO GOD AS I WAS WATCHING THIS I WAS THIS CLOSE (HOLDS FINGERS TOGETHER) TO KISSING MY TV SCREEN.

shelly seems like the sort of person to have been raised with certain heteronormative values. but, i think after going out with Bobby, i think she’d have a little sit and think and say “huh maybe i would kiss a girl.” she hasn’t, yet, but that’s just because her crushes so far have been on men. if she met the right girl, she would.

i think her demisexuality comes partly from trauma and also because we need something in common because, if i haven’t made it clear, i LOVE HER.

HAWK

he/him

cisgender male

gay

don’t be lying about that poetry being for your girlfriend hawk. this is the only character where i will defy canon, fold my arms and say no. i love that hawk got a bigger role in season 3, and i think that based off all i know about him (being the best character) i would headcanon him as being gay. why? idk. look at him?

hawk would totally just rock up one day with a guy on his arm, no explanation, and say nothing until Lucy stumbled into asking him about this guy. and he’d just be like “oh this is my husband. yeah we’ve been married for 6 years. you were at the wedding, we just didn’t tell you it was a wedding.”

iconic.

also i had hair envy the entire show, i wish that when i straightened my hair it was that luxurious.

LUCY BRENNAN

she/her

cisgender female

bisexual

I’m sorry Lucy, no one is THAT frazzled and not sapphic. it’s a rule.

i feel like Lucy would consider herself straight until she was taught about the internet, got a Facebook account, and promptly shut it down, but before doing that saw the word ‘bisexual’ and felt weirdly drawn to it. Andy was, of course, super supportive if a little confused. she’s still figuring it out.

i feel like she’d wear sweaters in the bisexual colours and be very happy whenever someone noticed.

ANDY BRENNAN

he/him

cisgender male

straight ally (but not really)

Andy is straight, but like more in a straight with a question mark way. maybe if he hadn’t dated Lucy, maybe if they hadn’t fallen in love, he would have caught feelings for a guy. after Lucy came out, he did some thinking, but decided to keep it to himself. who knows, maybe his tulpa is “kinda gay” (obligatory Buffy reference)

WE ARE DONE LADIES AND GENTS AND PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT EITHER BUT STILL HIGHLY ESTEEMED.

so, thoughts? I’m gonna do a part two with the season 3 exclusive characters, and some characters i forgot, like Norma, ed, Hank, josie, James….and Wyndam Earl. OH and Denise

thank you so much for bearing with me, and love y’all 🫶

(not as much as I’ll ever love Shelly)

#twin peaks #twin peaks the return #twin peaks fire walk with me #dale cooper #harry truman #albert rosenfield #audrey horne #laura palmer #donna hayward #gordon cole #david lynch #please don’t send death threats mr lynch #Lucy brennan #andy brennan #lucy moran #hawk #Tommy hawk hill #lgbtq #lgbtqplus #gender #sexuality #demigirl #mlm #wlw #sapphic nonsense #ramblings of a deranged queer #i need sleep #bisexuality #t4t #part 2?

[cr1mson5returns]

Unpublished Excerpt: Leaving Catholicism Over Identity

Consider that you have an immutable, inherent quality about you that impacts everything about how you see the world, how you relate to others, and even how you relate to yourself. It can’t be wished away, it can’t be ignored, and it comes out at the most inopportune times when others feel inclined to judge and ridicule and make light of you over it. When you think about the future, it’s shaped by this quality; when you think about the past, it’s always been there, even if you couldn’t see it at first. You never chose this quality–indeed, it came to you quite like a personality trait or a cat dander allergy–but people insist that you can just not do the thing and that you should, in fact, not do the thing so that your eternal soul doesn’t suffer in flames forever. In all of this, you’re left wondering why it had to be you when you tried so hard to be good, to be something else, and yet it never worked. You could never shake that quality that left you so outside the norm, so outcast and othered. You wonder, silently, sincerely, if God even hears you when you cry out. You wonder most of all if everyone else is right about you.

This is what it feels like to be gay in a non-affirming church community. This is what drove me away from the Catholic religion. It wasn’t a desire to do bad things with no consequences, or a desire to rebel against my family, or any of those tropes. It was a sincere search of my soul in which I realized that I couldn’t just not be a lesbian, that I couldn’t just wish away all the parts of me that longed for the touch of a woman. I had tried for so long to be interested in men, I had struggled for years to just fake it until I made it, and I had to realize that it just wasn’t possible. Maybe other people could find a way to ignore some piece of themselves, but for me, it was immutable. It was non-negotiable. It was also something that, evidently, qualified me as worthy of eternal damnation unless I followed a very specific set of rules that nobody else had to follow.

I understand very well that life isn’t fair. Two suicide attempts and many years of non-suicidal self-injury taught me that life doesn’t grind to a halt just because you want it to, just because you can’t take it anymore. But something in me protested at the thought of being celibate forever. I wanted companionship like everyone else had the opportunity to have, I wanted to be with someone I loved and who loved me in return, and I was supposed to believe that was…what, sinful? That it was a disordered desire in the eyes of the Catholic Church? I couldn’t hack it. It wasn’t an issue of sin; it was an issue of being able to live with myself.

I’m also quite familiar with the red letters in Matthew 16:24 that read, “If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.” It seems pretty simple from the outside, doesn’t it? Every good Christian has to deny their flesh; every good Christian has to take up their cross, and homosexuality is yours! But the unfairness sunk in, and the lack of compassion, and the true misunderstanding. I could deny my flesh for things that actually hurt me–and I know that because I had done it every single time I ever thought about taking a razor to my skin just to prove how worthless I really was. But wanting to feel loved, wanting to give that love in every possible way, wanting to grow old with a woman who cared about me…did that hurt anyone, least of all me?

Sure, there’s also the whole thing about sexuality existing for procreation. But nobody was stopping infertile straight people from getting married. Nobody was revoking the marriage licenses of couples who sought out fertility treatment, or adopted, or went childless because of the struggle. Besides, why was the sex I was having or not having the dominant point of the conversation, anyway? The thing about being gay is that it’s not just about who you want to bang; it’s about who you want to spend your life with, who you love, who brings you joy and receives the joy you put out into the world.

I had tried so hard to be anything other than homosexual. I really did. But it wasn’t happening, and it wasn’t happening because it wasn’t possible. Maybe other people could watch a piece of themselves wither away in hopelessness and be fine with it, but I couldn’t. Is that so sinful in the end?

#cr1mson's writing #writing sample #unpublished excerpt #lesbian #ex catholic #religious trauma #ex christian

[veilchenjaeger]

Okay. After over a goddamn year, I have finally finished Couple of Mirrors. Consider me wrecked.

I don't even know where to start with this show? It's everything I've ever wanted, save for the censorship issue. (But I think I can read the manhua to soothe that particular ache.) It's so damn good. I watched this with month-long breaks between episodes, so I don't remember everything, but I still want to try to write up my initial thoughts bc it's fun to reread that kind of thing after a rewatch or some time of brainrot.

First, without getting into spoilers: I adore this show. The plot is incredible - dense without being overwhelming, unpredictable without nonsensical plot twists. Nearly every episode had me on the edge of my metaphorical seat. At the same time, the characters were given time to shine and develop. Especially Xu Youyi is just one of the characters of all time, I'm obsessed with her, but I definitely got attached to side characters as well. (Which is dangerous, considering the body count this show has.) I really appreciate the pacing, the little moments of downtime between the imo impeccably paced rush of revelations and developments. There are some things that could be seen as... soap opera-esque, in a way? Just because of the amount of family drama, but I think it all worked really well bc the show immediately tells you what kind of show it is and what the stakes are. None of the drama is out of place, is what I'm saying. There's a lot of murder.

There are complaints about Xu Youyi and Yan Wei not having a lot of screentime together, and while this is in some way true, I... didn't mind? They're both set up well enough as individual characters for their interactions to be meaninful, and it was more than enough for me to get invested in them. (Not to mention that there's a whole episode of domestic Yiwei in the end.) But mostly, and I think I've said this before somewhere, I came for the lesbians and stayed for the plot. Xu Youyi's story is about so many things, and it's important that each of these things was given the space it deserves. This is a murder mystery/thriller first and a romance second, and I honestly prefer it that way. The pacing felt right, and the central relationship still came across well.

Final non-spoilery verdict: PLEASE watch this show if you haven't seen it yet. It's so, so, so good. You can watch the whole thing on Youtube for free, and the subtitles are actually decent.

Spoilers under the cut.

There are approximately fifty separate things I'm obsessed with, but I'll only name a few.

First of all, the whole Thing between Zhou Heng and Xu Youyi, and especially Zhou Heng's character. Holy shit, this is well done. Zhou Heng is never portrayed as the good guy, but the sheer extent of his unhingedness is revealed so gradually that you're pretty much bound to underestimate him. He starts out as a bad husband who cheats on Xu Youyi, but for what it's worth, it seems like he does love her and wants to try to be better for the first episodes. He defends her from his family, he supports her, and while Xu Youyi is right not to let him get away with that after he broke her heart like that, he's sympathetic. He's not a cartoon villain or a cardboard cutout of an evil abusive husband. And he still isn't that when it's revealed that he fucking tried to kill her. That caught me off guard so hard! I didn't expect that at all, and then it just fucking kept going. It's in episode 10, during the dinner he has with Xu Youyi, that I realised that he's not only an utter dickhead, he's batshit insane. And it's the very fact that he was built up as a sympathetic character that makes this reveal as creepy as it is. Gods, what an asshole! Gives me chills of the worst kind! A superbly done antagonist.

(The same is true for Zhang Wan, too. She's a lot more obviously mean, but the extent of that isn't revealed all at once, and the relationship she had with Xu Youyi before is still meaningful. Zhou Heng's father, too - he acts according to his motivations, and whether he's with Xu Youyi or against her depends on the way she fits into his plans. Just, good antagonists all around.)

Second of all, I adore the characters so, so much?! Xu Youyi's development, her sunny personality, her heartbreak, and the way she gets more and more tired of being nice, are so [chef's kiss]. Detective Jiang was right, actually - she is someone who'd happily live with a murderer. She's so genuinely kind, she doesn't mean harm, but after everything she's been put through, she's ruthless deep down. I love how cold and collected she is when she demands the divorce, when she signs the papers, when she's in court, and especially when she finds out that Yan Wei is indeed the murderer of Zhang Wan and doesn't even hesitate to lie to the police to help her. Xu Youyi has had it and she will not be taking any prisoners.

It took me a little longer to get fully attached to Yan Wei, simply because she's not the main character, but the last episode really sealed the deal for me. She's grown so much because of Xu Youyi! She's started to live a life that isn't ruled by her past, she's capable of joking with Xu Youyi and she's a good mother and she's happy, which she didn't know how to be before! She even gets along with other people; she's on good terms with Mr Wang and has a bit of a teasing relationship going on with Detective Jiang. (Big fan of that, btw. I think they should be bros.) And yet, she's also presumably doing some very shady stuff to get money, and we haven't seen her find actual closure yet. I get why the last few minutes aren't the most popular ones - they're a bit of a shock, for one, and the pacing of the show fails here, although I assume that's all a set up for the next season - but they make sense. Again, Detective Jiang is right! Xu Youyi doesn't know anything about Yan Wei's past, and it's a past that's pretty important for who Yan Wei is! That's the one thing I was worried about throughout the show: that Yan Wei's past would just stay unaddressed, and that Xu Youyi wouldn't find out. So, yeah, I do like that they made that into a (future?) plot point. It's such a strong beat for Yan Wei's arc, I really hope we do get that second season and get to find out what she's been doing behind Xu Youyi's back and what those flowers mean. Yan Wei deserves some more development!

(That being said, I still think that season finale cliffhangers are bad writing and shouldn't be done, especially with the state of queer entertainment in China being what it currently is. Looking at you, Scum Villain season 2.)

And last but not least, I'll be listening to the opening song on repeat for the next lifetime, thanks.

#[talk less smile more] #couple of mirrors #/I LOVE THIS SHOW #/oh also zhang nan hot

[gloomysoup]

i'm about to go on a bit of a personal ramble here for a minute. i feel like i have a lot to say and no one to say it to, and i feel like my blog has become this safe space for me to say those things. i've shared pieces of myself (my creative work) that i haven't shared with other people before. so i'm going to get a little more personal. if you want to read, great. if not, that's fine too. maybe we'll all get something out of this. maybe we won't. either way, it's here.

i've lived in the same county, with the same people, for twenty years. twenty years in a small, conservative, god-fearing place. every single household in my neighborhood goes to church every sunday. they have bible study in my neighborhood for the adults that meets every week. i've grown up around a lot of small-mindedness when it comes to social issues. which put a lot of strain on my mental health, growing up different from anyone else. i never really fit in, even in my friend groups. there's this expectation that everyone seems to have.

i always knew i was different. there was something about me. there's a lot of things, actually, but i really just want to focus on one in particular. i never had an interest in boys. not once. i didn't really think much of it until other people my age made comments about it. i never had a boyfriend, aside from once in probably first or second grade. and we were friends, only "dated" for maybe two days. that was that. i don't really ever count it. dating never seemed like a very big deal to me for a long time. i was much more focused on school and sports. eventually i realized i was a lot more interested in girls than i ever was in boys.

i fought thru a lot of internalized stuff before i came to the conclusion that i was absolutely 100% definitely a lesbian (along w a lot of trial and error in the form of awkward college experiences). i had a lot of issues throughout middle and high school that i don't particularly need to get into. all that really matters is now.

this year, i made a vow to myself. id do more to truly love myself. to be who i am, unashamedly. i made a few changes to my diet (eating healthier, listening to the advice my doctor gave me ten years ago that i should have listened to back then, actually eating regularly for the first time in years). i got a new job, which i actually really enjoy despite how tired i always am. i love the kids i work with. my coworkers are amazing. which brings me to the latest decision i've made in an effort to keep my promises to myself.

i'm done hiding. i don't want to feel ashamed of who i am just because it doesn't fit the mold. up until recently, i've been pretty selective about who i tell that i'm gay. i never wanted it to get back to my family. i didn't want them to know. i'm still not sure i do, but it's time i stop trying to walk on eggshells all the time. i'm not sure i'll be able to say anything outright, but i don't want to hide it away anymore. i don't want to pretend to be someone i'm not. i don't want to put up more masks every time i leave the safety of my room.

i'm going to a concert in june. pride month. the concert is for my favorite queer artist. i don't want to hide my excitement at finally getting to see her live just because i'm afraid of what people will say. i don't want to carefully think through every little thing before i say something or do something, just in case it's a little too gay to brush off.

i think this is finally the year i embrace myself for who i am. maybe i'll even finally go to a pride event and post pictures. i don't want to be afraid anymore. i don't want to hide anymore. maybe this will backfire on me. maybe it won't. i guess i won't know unless i try.

#gloomysoup #gloomysoup rambles #personal rant