#overwhelming relief at the things that have stayed the same and overwhelming sadness for all that has been lost

[okwonyo]

asking them for cuddles after an argument.

ᙏ̤̫ 엔하이픈 ♡ female reader & requested! (past) hurt with comfort established relationship + cw. not-proofread skinship kissing mention to crying 0.8k | ( bookshelf )

heeseung would be taken aback a tad, surprised feeling making his mouth fall slightly agape— given that he is the type to like keeping physical contact while having and argument and that you’d have avoided all his attempts. after a few seconds of getting lost in his thoughts, he wouldn’t be able to keep his smile from creeping on his face; he’d open his arms as he answers with a shy “of course” he’d feel relief fill his whole body when he feels your warmth against his body, you’d be able to feel the soft buzzing of his heart as you rest head on his chest.. yeah, you are not getting rid of each other anytime soon.

jongseong would know without you even asking; he’d usually be the one who come to you after an argument, with his comforting smile and genuine attention written all over his face. he’d usually come just to ask you if you want to eat or something along the line. getting immediately worried when you say no, he’d feel his whole body tense at the overwhelming thought that you are more upset that usual. then, his gaze would examine your features clearly and he’d watch you having that ‘i want cuddles but i’m too shy to ask’ expression on your cute face— “c’mere” he’d tell you with a soft smile and you’d obey.

jaeyun would get immediately worried when he sees you coming with a sad face; biting your lip awkwardly and desperately trying to avoid his eyes.. just like you do when you just finished to hurriedly wipe your tears so he’d not notice that you cry, but he’d always know. rushing to you, he’d ask you what wrong with all his features full of uneasiness— “of course, my love” taking your hand and walk you to the room as he’d say so; he’d put his hand on the back of your head while you both lay in bed and stroke your hair softly.

sunghoon would be so put at his ease just because of the fact you are willingly coming in the same room as he is. therefore, when you come in the room, his eyes wouldn’t be able to leave you.. following your every moves as he’d pathetically try to not go and follow you as if he was a lost puppy. his sad eyes would follow you until you come sit next to him, and he’d not be able to do anything but stay still for a while when you wrap your arms around him. he’d take you in his embrace immediately, with his eyes getting slightly watery as pure relief floods in his blood.

seonwoo would welcome you with open armes and a soft smile; both happy about you not being too mad anymore and that you want to cuddle with him, which he loves to do. he’d lay on the sofa as you lay on his chest in front of a cheesy movie, he’d a warm cover on the both of you and pat your head tenderly. “are you comfortable?” he’d whisper in your ears, and he’d smile when you nod against his heart. after a while, he’d take that as opportunity to talk it out and make up!

jungwon would let out fond noises out of the barrier of his lips and without even realizing it; it’s just one of his habit coming out, even if it’s a little tense between the two of you, he’d never not think you are not the most adorable thing on earth and would never refuse cuddles. making you lay your back on the mattress so he can lay on you, with his nose in the crook of your neck and breathing your scent tenderly, “don’t be mad anymore, okay?” he’d ask as he moves so he can put his face deeper into your neck.

riki would, at first, come to you an hour or so after the argument; all remorseful and anxious about your response to his act. waiting at the door for a while as he ponder about whether he should go talk to you or not— he’d decide that he should wait for a bit more. but, he’d get stopped in his motion by you calling out his name after you’d see him. he’d for sure ask a stupid question when you ask him for cuddles, as in; “me?” while he genuinely gawk at you and point at himself. but then, when you he’d enter your circle of warmth, he’d not want to let go under any circumstances.

went back to school today... (>﹏<)

taglist open! @manooffline @ibsysbsfsunsbs @nwjws @lilriswife4life @alaezasmystery235 @teddywonss @tyussday @cholexc @flickqr @yuviqik @wvnrqs @strawberrywonz @y-ves @isawritesss @filmofhybe @ikeucakes @gweoriz @yunabi436 @ashtxrie @soul-is-a-strange-kid @jaelaxies @jwonsluvr @lynniebearrr-blog @bobabunhee @sunghoonsarmpit @ynsvnte @wonifullove @luvieden @shalkeren @thesunoosshining @smouches @the-swageyama-tobiyolo @sulkygyu @byhees @jwnghyuns @sleepyxxhead @baevsxii @nxzz-skz @who-tf-soddhi @armydrcamers

#⠀♡ ꒰˵ˊᯅˋ˵꒱ ⠀ #enhypen #enhypen fluff #enhypen imagines #enhypen drabbles #enhypen reactions #enhypen scenarios #enhypen headcanons #enhypen soft thoughts #enhypen soft hours #enhypen x reader #enha fluff #enha imagines #enha drabbles #enha reactions #enha scenarios #enha headcanons #enha soft thoughts #enha soft hours #enha x reader #heeseung fluff #jay fluff #jongseong fluff #jake fluff #jaeyun fluff #sunghoon fluff #sunoo fluff #jungwon fluff #riki fluff #niki fluff

[daenysx]

as a person who studies out of town, this was a little triggering for me to write lol. i hope you like it, i tried to do my best with reflecting all the emotions they feel. <3

requests are open!!

my masterlist

missing his sweet baby

your voice sounds sad and modern!aemond is quick to leave everything behind just to make you smile.nsfw.

it's too hard to miss someone. the feeling crawls in your heart like a heavy burden, you don't know how to carry it. it's because of him.

"i miss you. please, call me."

you leave a message to him with teary eyes.

aemond targaryen is the man of your dreams. he came into your life and shattered your heart for any other person who tries to have it. your heart belongs to him, you had accepted this a long time ago.

you are far away. this is only for six months, you are studying for your dreams. at first it was harder to be away from him, to get used to a new place and a new school. you tried to stay strong against the desire to go back and see him. aemond always supports you, keeps reminding you that this is only for six months and then it will be over. still, the amount of time you spend away from him burns you inside.

three months passed and you got used to it a little. focusing on your studies helped a lot, talking to aemond at least three times a day helped as well. he is working at his family's company and he is quite busy. he does anything to be successful and worthy, you know it must be hard for him. you wish to be with him when he has difficult time with all those bad feelings but there are still three months for you to go back.

you can't stop crying today. all you want to do is to crawl into aemond's arms and bury your face to his neck. he is not here, he is busy to call you back. you feel your heart clench painfully. today, you don't really feel like doing anything, there is no class or assignment to focus on. you are free and sad, sitting in your bed.

the city you now live in is beautiful. your life is the life you always want, you work for your dream career and you have plenty of new friends. the only thing missing is him.

your phone rings, his name is on the screen. you brush your tears away, try to clear your throat for a better voice and slide your finger on the screen.

"hey."

"my love? sorry, there was a meeting, i couldn't answer the phone."

"that's okay. how are you?" you ask, try to keep your voice steady.

"i'm fine, baby. how about you, hmm? don't you have any class today?" aemond asks.

"no, i'm free today. just staying in bed, doing nothing."

"hmm, that's good. you needed to rest."

his voice sounds like he still has a lot of things to do and talks to you at the same time when he works.

"we can talk later if you want. you are still at work, i don't want to take your time." you wonder if you sound sad because you can't control your voice this time.

you hear him chuckle on the other side. "please take my time. talking to you is the most important part of my day, okay? now, tell me how was your study group yesterday, anything new?"

you start telling him about the study group but then you hear another voice on the phone. "mr.targaryen, there is an emergency-"

aemond scoffs. "i'm sorry, sweetheart. i'll call you back."

"that's fine, i love you." you can't help your voice shaking this time. he says he loves you and hangs up.

you burst into tears once more. the crying doesn't stop, you quit trying. you stay in bed for hours, sleeping and crying. the emotions overwhelm you and you just give in. there is no point anyway. you close your eyes after a while and have a restless sleep.

you wake up a few hours later, the room is dark now. you feel extremely tired and your head is empty. you are hungry but you don't want to eat anything, instead you decide to have some coffee.

you drag yourself to bathroom first. you wash your face with cold water, hoping for some relief. then you go to kitchen and make a cup of coffee. you clean the little mess you made in kitchen and hear the doorbell ring as you reach for your cup.

you frown slightly, and wondering who that might be. you reach for the doorknob and open the door.

aemond is standing right there.

your mouth falls open. your sleepy brain can't process the fact that he is here. he gives you a few seconds, a happy expression on his face.

he opens his arms for you and you jump right into them. you wrap your arms around him like a koala and bury your face to his neck. his arms instantly reaches to your waist, holding you close. you feel his lips on your hair and you start crying again.

"shh, don't cry baby. i'm right here. oh, my sweet baby."

he cups your cheeks and presses a slow kiss on your lips. you hold his hand and lead him to your room, closing the door. he puts his bag on the floor and looks at your room.

"looks like someone here had a little crisis, hmm? why didn't you tell me you feel bad?"

you look at his face with shy eyes. "i didn't want to upset you, you are already too busy. i don't want you to worry over me."

he shakes his head. "i can't believe you think like this. nothing i do in that company worths more than you, okay? you should tell me about your feelings so that i can be with you, my love."

you kiss him with tears. you miss him too much, it still doesn't feel real. for three months, both of you never had the right time to fly and see each other, always waiting for the end of six months for your sweet union. the moment he heard your shaky voice and worried tone, he couldn't stay there. that was too much to deal with.

he keeps kissing you until he is longing for air. you lead him to your bed, tearing off his clothes desperately. "calm down, baby. i'm here, i'm right here. let me take care of you, please."

he takes off the rest of his clothes and helps you out of the shirt you wear. his shirt. you take off your knee socks as well and stay only in your panties.

he looks at you for a moment. "you have no idea how much i missed you. you have no idea what you do to me. i would leave everything and go to the end of the world with you just to put a smile on your pretty face."

you open your arms for him and he leans into you. he brushes kisses on your soft breasts and the spot between them. your neck crave his attention and he is quick to give it to you. he sucks and bruises, then softens his pressures with kisses. you become a whimpering mess under him quickly.

"it looks like you missed me, too. is that right, sweetheart?"

you nod. "yes, yes, i missed you so much. so much, aemond."

he chuckles. "it's fine. i'm here now and i will take care of you."

he kisses your lips and you kiss him back. 3 months of missing and longing for each other finally shows itself physically. your fingers travel in his hair, his beautiful hair. his hands are on your waist slowly reaches to your panties.

"let's take this off, hmm?" he smiles as you move your hips. "there you go."

he is painfully hard but he doesn't care. he has to take care of you first.

"aemond, i need you. now, please."

he nods. "would you like me to use my fingers, my love?"

you shake your head, "i can't take it, i just need you inside me. please, please."

he adjusts himself a little. "how were you taking care of yourself when i wasn't here, hmm?"

you show him your hand, playfully. "my fingers."

he kisses your hand. "and were they enough?"

you shake your head. "no, never enough. not like you."

"so, my sweet baby deserves a good orgasm, hmm? i think we can do that."

he slowly pushes himself to your entrance. you are already soaked for him, your muscles painfully throb around his length. he is inside you, holding the flesh of your thighs. he waits a little for you to get used to him. three months of agony and now he has you. he kisses your lips and starts moving when you nod approvingly.

he quickly finds a strong pace. his long fingers stroke your swollen clit. he loves hearing your moans, your closed eyes and messy hair. fuck, he missed the image too much, he is not gonna last.

"aemond, hmm, so close- so clos-"

he moves a little faster. "me too, baby. don't hold back, i need you to come with me."

your first round ends with his skilled fingers applying the right amount of pleasure on your clit and your walls clenching around him. he comes inside you with a deep moan and you arch your back as you find relief.

he stays inside of you. you look mesmerising like this under him, all those emotions you feel make themselves visible on your face. he kisses your lips and moves your hair from your face.

"are you alright?" he asks.

"mm-hmm. can we do that again?"

he chuckles. "don't worry babygirl. we are not done yet."

after your breathing turns steady, he brings his fingers on your cunt. the mix of your liquids keeps you wet. he quickly puts one finger in, his thumb on your clit. he pushes his second finger in as you try to move your hips.

his fingertips touch your g-spot suddenly and you scream his name. your fingers are not enough for you to reach there and when his fingers make a great job at finding and rubbing it, you feel like you'll cry.

"oh, my sweet baby. my beautiful baby, how much i've missed you."

he keeps moving his fingers and rubbing your clit. his free hand goes up to touch your hardened nipple. he squeezes the bud and you flinch. he touches the other one then, pressing and squeezing.

"i'm close, aemon-" you can't complete the sentence because he fastens his fingers in a way that makes you speechless. he is too strong, it's almost too much. you moan his name once more when you come, his fingers are soaked from your wetness. he waits for you to find your balance until he takes his fingers off.

he leaves the bed to get a clean towel from the bathroom. he helps you sit on the bed, your back against your pillows. he cleans the mess he made and brings you a cool glass of water.

"come on, drink it baby. i tire you too much, hmm? come on, finish the glass."

you drink all your water and look up to him. "i'm not tired. i feel perfect. i'm just- so happy that you're here."

"when i heard your voice and your words trying to hide your sadness from me, i left everything. i couldn't take it anymore, i had to see my girl."

you smile. "but you were too busy. what about the work?"

"i don't give a shit about the work now. they'll be fine without me."

"when will you go back?" you ask sadly. you need to know how much time you have with him.

"tomorrow night, baby."

you nod. "that's okay. it means we have time, right?"

"yes, and i will not leave until you have a smile on your face. a lasting smile, sweetheart. you don't know how much it hurts to be far away from you and knowing that you're sad."

you kiss him. "today was different. i've never been like this before."

he nods. "i know but you can't blame a guy for worrying over his sweet baby, hmm?"

you shake your head. "no, i guess i can't."

you pull him closer and he understands what you want to do. he leans his back to the headboard and makes room for you on his lap.

you adjust yourself comfortably on his lap and stroke his cock until it's hard for you. he watches the effect you have on him, he loves being undone because of you. you take him inside you and try to get used to the different angle. he holds your waist and guides you.

you start riding him, your fingers brush his chest and his neck. you move your hips in a certain rhytm. he tries to lift his hips and hits that sweet spot inside you. you moan, clenching around him. he encourages you to keep moving. you ride him through your third orgasm that night. that's not an unusual thing with aemond, you always manage to fuck each other until you are both satisfied. you come apart once more, this time it takes longer and your thighs are a little sore.

you lift your hips and take his weeping cock in your hand. you stroke him until he closes his eye, curves his mouth into a soft smile and comes on your fingers. you don't wait for your next move, take your fingers into your mouth and licking everything.

all he can do is to stay right there and watch you. he doesn't know how will he manage to leave tomorrow night when you look so perfect and when he is so in love.

after you are done, you put your head on his chest and pull the covers on both of you. he lays down and you bury your face to his neck, inhaling his scent. "i've dreamt about you holding me like this, all day long. almost afraid that i lost my mind."

"you are in the right place for your future, sweetheart. only three months more and you'll be back, remember? we can do that. we should do that."

you nod, wrap your arms closer. "i love you."

"i love you." he says it the second time for today but this time not on the other side of the phone, instead in the bed with you, holding you close.

"i think there is some wine in the kitchen. or we can drink coffee. oh god, i forgot to ask, are you hungry? i should've asked before i jump into your arms, i'm sorry." you say the last part teasingly.

"i'm not hungry. and you see, a man in the right mind always prefers you jumping into his arms before food."

"come on, that's too romantic even for you. let's stay in bed for a while, then we'll think of something."

he nods, kisses you hairline. you try not to think about the time he has to leave. you missed him too much and you deserve some good time with him instead of worrying and being sad.

aemond targaryen is the kind of man who would leave things behind just to see you smile. he takes care of your heart, supports you, and stays with you. your love for him feels overwhelming sometimes, how much more can you fall in love with him?

you press a kiss on his chest, ask him about his day. both of you know that you won't be sleeping tonight, it will be a night full of holding, kissing, talking, and touching each other. and it will be perfect.

#aemond targaryen #aemond targaryen x reader #aemond x you #aemond x reader #modern!aemond #house of the dragon #hotd #aemond one eye #aemond × reader #aemond fluff #aemond targaryen smut #aemond smut

[serenhoshi]

𝐀𝐭𝐞𝐞𝐳 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧: 𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐛𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐤 𝐝𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐬

Hi! I'm back with an angsty kind of scenario, hope you'll like it :)

Also I saw ateez last week in paris and i'm sad it's over so that's why the scenario has angst x))

some parts feel cheesy too i'm sorry

Context: the members are very busy with tour and promotions, it has been a while since they had a break. And after a very long day, they come back to your shared appartment and have a meltdown.

Hongjoong:

Being a leader and one of the oldest members of the group, Hongjoong always puts his members and the group's success before his own well-being. He does the same thing with you; he'll hide how he feels as much as he can, because he doesn't want to be a burden to anyone. He thinks he can handle listening to others' burdens and taking care of his own by himself, but that's not how it works.

When he got home, he was quiet. He always was, focusing on taking off his shoes and jacket before greeting you with a kiss. But this time it was different, the atmosphere was heavy, when you got close to him you could see how tense his shoulders and jaw were. You joined him in the entrance of your appartment, and stood right in front of him. The fact that he kept looking down confirmed your suspicions; he did not dare look at you in the eyes, we all say the eyes are the windows to the soul, and you would see very well how bad he feels. You softly brought your hand up to cup his cheek, and caressed it with your thumb. Then asking with a calm voice "is everything okay?"

He waited for a bit, and then shook his head from left to right as a no motion. His bottom lip started shaking quickly and his shoudlers as well, as if all the tension he kept in was breaking free. He then started crying, his arms finding their way around your waist and his head hiding in the crook of your neck. You stayed like this for a long time, before you accompanied him throughout his night routine: taking a bubbly bath, eating a big bowl of his favorite noodles, and falling asleep in front of his favorite movie. Not much words were needed, only actions and taking a break from work.

Seonghwa:

Seonghwa is a bit like Hongjoong: he tends to keep his darkest thoughts to himself. He talks a bit to Hongjoong, and sometimes to his parents too, but he keeps things very broad and doesn't say too much so people aren't worried about him. When it comes to you, he speaks up very rarely about how he feels, each time its right before having a meltdown. And you both feel when it's about to happen. You both know that when Seonghwa works for months without any break, he has a hard time actually resting and keeping a positive mindset.

Before a break down, he comes home as usual, but doesn't bother showering or changing clothes. He goes straight up to you and asks for cuddles. His nose against your neck to smell your perfume/your hair if its long enough, his body in full contact with yours, as if to feel protected. Also if you're wearing a hoodie he'll put his hands in your pockets, if it's a normal shirt he'll hold your waist underneath it, because it comforts him. He may cry a bit, but the contact with you calms him instantly and all the pressure from work and not seeing you for weeks vanishes.

At some point he'll try and convince KQ to bring you on tour, using as an argument that you're his stress-relief partner.

Yunho:

Okay but the idea of Yunho breaking down from stress and exhaustion breaks my heart fr. He would hide his despair SO well that you felt guilty when you finally noticed how bad he felt. But he wouldn't blame you, never, he would say that if anything it's just his fault for hiding things from you. When he decides to talk to someone, it would be to Hongjoong or Mingi at first. Both would listen to what he has to say, of course, and they understood how he felt more than anyone else since they felt overwhelmed by work as well.

Both of them would also tell him to talk to you about it. To get comfort and reassurance from you. It's kind of cheesy but a lover, if the person is the right one, is perfectly able to help and reassure its partner. This is what relationships are for.

So Yunho would talk to you about it.

He would take you to the living room, and both of you would sit on the sofa, facing each other in a disturbingly serious way. He started talking, his eyes avoiding to look at you, playing with his fingers as if to distract himself. But it didn't work. His voice got weaker and he felt a knot in his throat, indicating he was about to cry. When he finally looked at you in the eyes, you thought you were going to cry too. His eyes were red and full of tears, but he still had his bright smile, which looked way sadder now. Of course, you listened to him and helped him through his break down, and that's when he realised that Mingi and Hongjoong were right: he can fully rely on you.

Yeosang:

Yeosang has always had a hard time understanding and sharing his emotions. Wether it's anger, sadness, fear, he tends to keeps everything to himself unconsciously because he doesn't understand these feelings, and doesn't know how to let go of them.

So for his break down, I think that it's his body that will "give up on him", in a way.

Yeosang is a healthy man though, he takes good care of himself. But working 14 hours a day, for weeks, and then months, while not being able to see you or his family really brought him down. Being far from home made him sick, he was stressed, he was tired, he was losing his appetite. Maybe he even started overthinking things: he fully trusted you, but as more weeks passed, a little voice in his head kept telling him that maybe, maybe you would cheat on him with someone else. He felt so guilty to think that, and it made him even more sick, of himself.

Days went by and he slept less and less every night, and ate less and less every day. His body couldn't take it anymore, so during practice Yeosang fainted.

The agency took things seriously and gave a 2 weeks break to the members afterwards. The members told you about Yeosang's condition, but seeing him in real life was painful. He was pale, paler than ever, he had lost cheek fat and his dark circles stood out the most.

You both hugged as if years had passed (at least it felt like it), and since then Yeosang has been more open about his feelings than before.

San:

I think San is one of the members who would open up the fastest among the members. He wouldn't keep his thoughts and pain to himself, and he insisted that your relationship would build itself around that: trust and openness. So would always tell each other how you feel, without filters.

So when San really started to feel drained, and I mean mentally drained, he did not hesitate to talk to you. It was through a call though, because he was abroad, on tour. It felt terrible to see you through the screen when he missed you so badly. He wanted to hold you, to feel you, to smell you. He told you that at some point and he started crying. You felt truely powerless, but your words gave him the bit of strength he needed to finish the tour.

You both ended up falling asleep with the call still on.

Mingi:

I think that Mingi really has a hard time with words, at least when it comes to expressing himself fully. So in my opinion he'll keep his exhaustion and stress to himself until he come back home to you. So he can get comforted in your arms.

Just like Seonghwa, he would come home and say nothing, only seeking your touch and protectiveness.

He sometimes has a hard time to wait until he gets back home to you. In this case, he asks for pictures of you, of what you're doing. If you call each other you talk for a bit and then do your own activities on the side, with your cameras on. It reassures him, he knows you're waiting for him at home. And anytime he lifts his eyes from his lyrics book, he gets to see you. Your eyes focusing on the tv screen, watching the latest episode of your favorite tv show, and not noticing him looking at you with hearts in his eyes.

Wooyoung:

Honestly I think he would either act like Seonghwa, like Yeosang, or like San. It all depends on the context and you guys' relationship at the time.

For example, if you just started dating, he would be the type of guy to call you often, to ask for pictures, and send a lot of texts anytime he misses you or feels down.

But with time, it's not enough to comfort him, and he wants more. So he waits, for a painfully long time, until he can see you in person so that he can hug you and always stay close to you, sticking to your side like a leech until he feels better. Be careful, during that period of time, if you refuse his cuddles, he'll be upset.

Finally, and I think that's peak Wooyoung style: if you guys got in an argument before he leaves, he'll be like yeosang (but still differently yk). He'll keep everything to himself and work until his body gives up on him. He doesn't want to make you or the members worry on purpose, but his pride tells him to not contact you since the argument. His stubborn self just wants to be right and make you apologize first.

Which you did. After you heard what happened you called him. He tried to pretend as if everything was fine, but it truely wasn't. You scolded him a bit, and then apologized. And he did too afterwards.

Jongho:

Even though Jongho is quite shy when it comes to feelings and stuff, I think it wouldn't be that hard for him to come up to you if he was having a breakdown.

I still think that at the beginning of your relationship he wouldn't want to bother you, so he would seek his hyungs' advices and help to release his painful thoughts. At some point though, they would ask (without any judgement) "why aren't you talking about it with y/n? It's your significant other after all".

And then he realised that you had the right to know how he felt, to help him as much as you could, and the same thing on the other way around. So sometimes he calls you at the end of your day, or at the beginning of it, always adapting himself to your timeline so he doesn't wake you up at 3am. Most of the calls are just him asking you about your day, so he listens to you while looking at you on the screen of his phone with a tiny smile on his face. Your voice soothes him, and the pressure on his shoulders evaporates quickly. Listening to your voice makes him forget about his important duty in the group as a young main vocalist. He becomes your boyfriend, that's it, and that's more than enough for him.

#ateez #ateez fanfic #ateez x reader #ateez reactions #ateez fluff #ateez angst #ateez imagines #hongjoong #seonghwa #yunho #yeosang #mingi #wooyoung #choi san #jongho #kim hongjoong #hongjoong x reader #atz #seonghwa reactions #yeosang imagines #yunho x reader #mingi x reader #wooyoung reactions #jongho reactions

[earthry]

Papas and a Reader with Depression (Headcanons)

The Papas and if they had a beloved struggling with depression. Sending love to all my readers, take care.

sfw, tw depression, hurt/comfort, self indulgent, disclaimer this is all based on my own experience with my depression and anxiety— other experiences may be different.

Primo

When you have trouble getting out of bed, he'll leave some calming tea by your bedside table. Sometimes it's lavender, sometimes its chamomile. He'll wait for you to tell him what you need, not wanting to overwhelm or crowd you.

If you want alone time, he’ll leave with a soft kiss to your forehead and a reminder that he’s there for you if you need him. You can always change your mind and ask for his comfort and company later if you'd like. Or if you just need a whole day or two or more to decompress, to recharge, he'll leave you to your own devices with the exception of checking in every so often to leave another cup of tea or to offer you a snack.

If you don't want to be alone, he'll stay by your side and hold you. Let you lay against his chest with your head tucked into his shoulder as you ramble or vent. If you need to cry, he'll encourage you not to bottle it up.

He’ll make sure you’re showered, especially if it’s been a few days. He’ll remind you that it’s important to take care of your own body but will never fault you for not having the energy. Even if you’ve worn the same clothes for days or weeks— he’d never judge you for it.

Secondo

At first he didn’t quite know what to do besides hold you when you were sad and let you be when you told him to leave you alone. Now however, he knows when you tell him to leave you alone or that you’re okay, what you really need is a hug and a reminder that it’s okay to be upset and have feelings. It’s okay to be down. He’ll let you cry for however long you need and will fetch a box of tissues and a glass of water to make sure you’re hydrated.

Sometimes when you’re all cried out you don’t necessary feel immediately better. Sometimes it’s a relief to let it out but that feeling of hopelessness doesn’t fade completely. You’re left tired and drained and that’s when Secondo will carry you to bed and turn your favorite comfort show or movie on.

He’ll turn the lights off so it’s just the light of the TV filling the room and turn the sound on low so you don’t feel overstimulated. He’ll let you lay against his chest and comfortingly rub your back as you take time to recharge.

Whether it be scrolling on your phone for comfort and/or distraction or hugging a stuffie to your chest as you half doze and half watch your show, he’ll sit in comfortable silence with you until you’re okay again or until you fall asleep (although he usually follows soon after).

Terzo

Everything feels overwhelming and helpless— it feels like things will never get better and never change no matter what you do. You try to explain this to Terzo, hiccuping through soft sobs as he gathers you into his arms. He understands, and he’ll listen to you as long as you need. He may be very dramatic and flirty at times but when it comes to you he never plays around. He always validates your feelings and makes you feel seen and not alone.

Understands that when you’re having a rough time or you are anxious or stressed, you often lose your appetite or have trouble eating. In this case, he will always have your favorite comfort foods at the ready, or the ingredients to make them— he’ll never say no if you ask him to make a comfort food when you’re struggling. Each time he serves you, there will be a little sticky note with hearts and affirmations on the tray.

Copia

Gives the best hugs and will always sit down and hold your hand and let you tell him what’s wrong. Sometimes there’s nothing inherently wrong; or nothing that can be fixed, and in those times distractions from all the bad things in your head is sometimes the best answer and Copia excels at it.

He’ll invite you to play video games or watch sappy romcoms or bad horror movies or comedy action films (whichever one is more your style/preference). Sometimes he’ll let you play with his rats or help him clean or organize their cage to keep you busy. Or he’ll let you tag along as he runs errands around the Ministry— even if you don’t talk the entire time or engage in conversation.

Sometimes you have trouble sleeping at night, unable to keep your head from thinking a billion different things at once. On these nights, Copia will hold you tucked against him. Sometimes he’ll talk to you in quiet tones, other times he’ll softly sing until you drift off. Even if it means singing the same song a hundred times, if it soothes you and makes you feel better, he’ll sing it a hundred times and a hundred times more after that.

Keeps comfort snacks and drinks around for you, next to his own comfort snacks. Keeps a basket in his room full of fidget toys and always encourages you to take one if you need, especially when you are talking about a tough subject or feeling emotional.

#the band ghost #copia #terzo #secondo #ghost band #ghost bc #primo #papa emeritus iv #cardinal copia #cardinal copia x reader #papa emeritus iii x female reader #papa emeritus i #papa emeritus ii #papa emeritus iii #papa emeritus i x reader #papa emeritus ii x reader #papa emeritus iii x reader #papa emeritus iv x female reader #papa emeritus iv x reader #headcanons

[fairly-linked]

Presence (Twilight x GN!Reader) 🖤✨

A/N: Two fics in the same 24 hours??? Am I okay??? Yes, I'm on vacation. I have energy to write lmao. Eat it up while you can folks. Enjoy! 💖💖💖💖💖

TW: Mentions of depression, self-isolation and general stress on the reader.

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Twilight noticed you'd been a little... off lately. A lot of things had happened over the last few days, and everyone was a bit on edge; the whole team being ambushed around almost every turn, you having trouble keeping up due to some kind of medical issue he wasn't understanding (which terrified him, of course, though he'd struggle to hide it for fear of overwhelming you), and not to mention Wars' and Legend's near constant bickering over trivial matters due to all the stress... But your breaking point seemed to come when the postman delivered a letter to you.

He'd watched as you read it, everyone else watching on as well as it seemed like the emotion drained from your very being. It worried him beyond words. His heart shattered at the sight of you so visibly... emotionally numb. And he'd asked if you were alright, but he knew he could only do so much-- he'd never want to push you.

So instead, he did what he thought was best: he managed to convince the Old Man to let the chain stay at an inn for a few days to give you time to recover from... whatever was going on with you. Twilight soon learned that even though Time didn't show it, he also seemed troubled by your sudden change in demeanor.

He was very thankful now more than ever that the Old Man was a good one at heart. If he hadn't been, the Rancher knew he wouldn't have let you rest.

So here they sit, him and the Old Man, together with the rest of the chain in the inn's dining hall for dinner. The only empty chair was yours, he noted with growing anxiety. You hadn't shown your face all day today...

"...Are they still asleep?" Time questioned him softly. "...This isn't good. They shouldn't be alone when they're feeling like this... It only serves to make things worse in the long run," he sighs.

Twilight nodded. He knew you had a habit of isolating when you weren't feeling your usual self, but... skipping all three meals today was unacceptable. He stood from the table suddenly, without finishing his own food; he'd been so worried about you he couldn't eat much of it anyway.

"I'm... I'm gonna go check on 'em," he states firmly, unable to mask the concern in his voice.

To his surprise, the Old Man didn't try to stop him; Time simply nodded, speaking softly.

"...Why don't you fix them a plate and bring it up? I know they may not want to eat, but even something is better than nothing. They need their strength..."

The Rancher nodded again, fixing you a a decent portion and bringing it up to your room.

When he reached your room, the one that the Old Man was kind enough to let you share with Sky (someone he knew wouldn't bother you)... He paused, his ears twitching slightly at the sound of soft sobs coming from the other side. His heart broke, and a lump formed in his throat; he was so worried about you. He hated to see you in such a state... Nevertheless, he knocked softly.

"(Y/n)? ...Can I come in...?"

The crying hushed immediately, and your shaky voice reached his ears. "W-What do you want...?"

He paused, trying to think of the best way to respond.

"...(Y/n), we're worried about you, darlin'. Can I come in please?"

...Silence. He sighed; he knew he shouldn't barge in on you, but--

"...Fine..."

He let out a sigh of relief at your answer. He opened the door softly, carrying the plate of still-warm food; the room was dark. No lights, the curtains were drawn... Oh, you poor thing, he thinks to himself.

"...I'm turnin' on the light, sweet thing," he says, flicking on the light and watching as your figure huddles deeper under the blanket. He sighs, setting the food down on the nightstand and taking a seat beside you on the bed.

"...Can I ask what's been goin' on with you lately? You've been so sad, and it worries me to see you like this, hun. It worries all of us..." he says softly, placing his hand on your hair and rubbing the top of your head softly with his thumb.

He could've sworn your voice broke a little as you speak again in a softer tone than ever. "...I don't wanna talk about it..."

He sighs, but nods. "...That's okay, darlin'. I won't push you to talk if you don't want to..." he mumbles, still stroking your hair.

"...Can I at least stay here for a bit? I haven't seen your pretty face all day, sweetums."

He hears you sniffle, but he can see you nod. It's hard to make out at first, with your figure huddled deeply under the comforter, but he smiles when he realizes you'd said yes.

He shifts, now sitting cross-legged on the bed beside you, his hand remaining on your head. He sighs, thinking about what he could do to make you feel better.

...He'd be lying if he said he didn't wish you were roomed with him for the night. He wants to make sure you're okay, but he also knows that Sky is perfectly capable of being there for you should you want it.

...And he says 'want', because goddesses know you definitely need it.

"...You feel like eatin'?" he asks softly, voice remaining low as he leans a little closer. He sighs again when he hears you mumble a weak "Not really..."

"...Yeah, I figured..."

He sighs for what now has to be the eighteenth time. He wants you to eat; he knows you haven't all day, and it's past 5 PM now...

"...I know you don't want to, doll, but... could you at least take a little bite? For me? Pretty please?" he asks as sweetly as he can muster.

He hears you sigh, and for a split second he's worried he's pushed you too far; but to his pleasant surprise, you sit up, reaching for the plate.

Heh. Can't say no to me, can you lovebug?

He smiles; the way your hair's all messy and the tired look on your face makes you cute, but in a heart-breaking sort of way. He watches intently as you slowly pick up the fork, poking at the food; and his smile grows more as you finally take a bite.

He places his hand back on the top of your head. "Good pup," he chuckles softly, laughing a little more as you huff at him.

You must've finally realized you were hungry, because he sits in silence for several minutes as you manage to finish off a little more than half the plate.

"There you go," he says softly with a tender smile. "Feelin' a little better?"

You nod, setting the plate back on the nightstand and pulling the blanket back up to your shoulders.

"...You're free to go back to sleep if you want, darlin'. I just wanted to check up on you," he says, subconsciously leaning a little closer to your face as his hand drops to your shoulder. "...Do you want me to stay here, or should I leave?"

"You can stay..." you say softly. He's overjoyed at your response, grinning like a lovestruck dumbass (because he totally is. Not that he's admitting it or anything. Not at all.)

"...I can do that. But you're cuddlin' with me whether you like it or not, lovebug."

He laughs as you huff again, rolling your eyes this time. "Fine..."

His grin only grows, lying down and pulling you down with him. Gently, he pulls your head onto his chest, resting his hand on the top of your head as he noses your hair.

"See? I'm not so bad," he chuckles softly.

"I guess not..." you sigh, and he runs his finger through your hair.

"...Don't worry, sweet thing. Sometimes you just need someone else to take care of you when you can't do it yourself....

"...And I'll be that person if you'll just let me. Don't worry your pretty little head about a thing, darlin'. I'm here..." he says tenderly, stroking your hair.

He's so warm and his presence is so comforting, it's not long before you're on the verge of sleep again. A soft chuckle rumbles in his chest.

The last thing you note in your half-asleep state, is that you could've sworn you felt his lips on your forehead.

"Sleep, little lovebug. I'll be here when you wake up."

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Tagging friends so they see and maybe are proud of me lmao

@trippygalaxy @the-cucco-nuggie (you might like this one. I know how much you like hylian jacob black from twilight)

#bek's.fics #lu twilight #loz linked universe #linked universe x reader #linked universe #fluff #comfort

[haircoveredwriter]

This was kicking around in my head and it’s but no means up to fic publishing quality, but this is how I could manage to get it put together until my muse wants to not hate everything I write. I will also note I do NOT have any practice writing in script-style and thus know it’s fully of inaccuracies to what is correct. This is purely just my own spec (plus some of @freefromthecocoon ).

Rescue My Heart (1 of ?)

Day. Inside Genet’s office at Maison Mère.

A lingering, dark shadow looms despite the clear daylight just outside. The building has been overturned, furniture and paper strewn throughout the halls. Random walker corpses in various states of “newness” navigate the speed bumps of body parts and blood - some of them obvious Pouvoir soldiers and party guests who never made it home.

Carol stands behind the heavy oak desk, a familiar crossbow slung over her shoulder as she stares intently at the open file folder in front. A flurry of emotions play behind her eyes as we pan around, stopping behind her, the papers below covered with handwritten lists in French - she scans annotations up and down the margins before she stops dead on the name near the end of the list.

DIXON.

Flashback. Carol’s CW apartment.

Carol throws supplies into the awaiting bag on the edge of the bed, her anxious energy clear in her frantic movements back and forth across the room. Frustration reaching its peak and bunched garments slam into the lopsided sack. Daryl’s voice rings distant, her eyes closing from the overwhelming unrest.

Daryl: “I’ll be there in about a week. I promise.”

Her eyes spring open again in the desolate office, fingers pressed lightly to words that are only ink but act like an anchor to her heart. The hopefulness which carried her across an ocean exudes from her lungs at the same time her breath stifles beneath unsettled hesitation; she pushes through, searching the papers once more for anything useful, coming upon maps marked with pen-traced routes and quickly shoves them inside the breast of her jacket. In the background her travelling companion, Ash, puts down a walker; the limp vessel crumpling in the middle of the doorway, a bare flit of acknowledgment coming from her briefly raised head as he enters.

Ash: We need to go. There’s a large group of rotters in the tunnels, and with a place this size there’s bound to be more.

Carol offers another small nod, dedicated to completing the mission she’s set forth in her mind. Almost vacant. The flurry of papers dance across the tabletop, two drawers underneath groaning as she yanks them open until the room falls silent when the bottom drops out of her heart.

It’s then we see the tape recorder nestled against a wooden corner. Propped up. Waiting to be found. Her world turns upside down while reality stays still; time continuing its constant progression as her movements stop & stall, a looping broken record of her hands - now clasped around cold plastic - while she can’t bring herself to press buttons. Afraid of what she might hear, what she might learn … things she has to know, needs to know but may kill her just the same. The depressive clunk of the toggle resounds, static following momentarily until a recited speech begins.

Daryl: My name is Daryl Dixon…

Carol audibly gasps, strangling the oncoming tears which line her eyes with a mixture of relief and sadness.

Flashback. Commonwealth, early evening.

Carol sits in the communication centre in front of the radio.

Carol: Yeah, you know, pretty quiet here.

Daryl: Quiet’s good. You okay?

Carol: Yeah, just takes some getting used to, that’s all.

She pauses, expression falling slightly as she toys with the twine bracelet on her wrist. The corners of her lips lifting though there’s a distinct despondency to her face. A shadowed figure then becomes visible at the edge of frame but just offscreen.

Daryl: You sure you’re okay?

She won’t burden him with her issues while he’s so far away, not after she told him he should go. She puts away her emotions as best she can, knowing how perceptive he is to any slight change.

Carol: You never have to worry about me, Daryl.

The floor creaks and she turns her attention, finding Dwight leaning against the wall just inside the room. She’s clearly unsettled yet not surprised, continuing with her conversation while trying to decipher how long the living memory has been listening in. She pauses again to collect her thoughts, all the while maintaining eye contact with Dwight.

Carol: Hey, Daryl.

Daryl: Yeah.

Carol: Dwight came back.

The crackle of the broken transmission intersperses with every half word she can make out Daryl saying. Her repeated attempts to regain their connection melt into the endless static and her shoulders slump as she finally gives in. Crestfallen. There’s a long , weighted silence.

Dwight: You really think me showing up again is that important to him?

Carol: It’s not about important. Daryl makes his own decisions, we don’t hide anything from each other.

He pushes off the wall to upright, shuffled movements trying to impart he’s not warranting any caution.

Dwight: Look, I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop but seemed to me his mind was focused on something else.

Her expression grows serious. She moves away from the desk to leave a few feet between them.

Carol: You don’t know anything about Daryl or me. I don’t know what you’ve been through since you left, you might have changed … we all have and I’m glad you found your wife. I am, but don’t for a second think you can come here and tell me things you haven’t the slightest idea about.

Dwight fights back a small chuckle.

Dwight: You might tell each other everything but you’re lying to yourself. Daryl gave me another shot back then, saw something I was trying to hide even from myself and I wouldn’t be where I am without that. Have what I’ve got. So I guess I’m trying to return the favour, because I’ve been “here”.

As Dwight exits Carol’s breaths are visible through the rise and fall of her chest. She’s shaken yet won’t let herself succumb to it, the various what ifs of the past and what could be play behind her eyes until the screen fades to black.

Ash: Carol? Hey-

The view of Maison Mere springs to life again. Carol gives herself a mental shake, finding Ash mere inches away and a bewildered concern across his features. The deathly growls having grown louder, signalling their impending arrival and Ash reaches a hand to her shoulder.

Ash: You okay?

Carol nods feverishly, tucking the recorder into jacket before they both carefully head for the halls. The camera focuses on Carol as she scans the corner for danger, the recited speech continuing while we watch them move down the dim corridor.

Daryl: If I don’t make it back, I want them to know I tried. Hell, I’m still trying.

#caryl #caryl positivity #caryl speculation #caryl fic #carol peletier #daryl dixon #carol and daryl #carol loves daryl #daryl loves carol #twd: daryl dixon #tboc #the book of carol #Spotify

[lonesome-witching]

Dead But Not Forgotten (Part 3/3)

@rabbitofdeath-atcastleaarrggh has finally gotten the third part of their prompt. This is still part of the ronance batman au. I promise there will be more where this came from. Previous part can be found here part 1/3 an part 2/3. Other parts within the same au Part 1 - 2 - 3 - 4.

You can read my previous prompts or send me some new ones.

Seeing Nancy sitting on her couch was still weird to Robin. She had said her goodbyes, and yet it still felt like Nancy hadn’t ever left. That she had been sitting on that couch for the small eternity that passed between her death and her resurrection.

“So?” Robin asked with a hesitant lilt to her voice. She wasn’t sure how much she wanted to know.

“I’m sorry for what I put you through. I know it wasn’t fair. What I did wasn’t fair and if you end up hating me, that would be alright. It would understandable really.” Nancy wasn’t looking at her. That may have been the must infuriating part of all of this. That Nancy hadn’t looked at her since Robin crawled off her body.

“Nancy! Just tell me what happened, please.”

“Alright well, we knew my dad got out and that he was planning something. We had to draw him out somehow. And we had to make him think our defenses were weakened. Hopper thought the best idea was for me to play dead.”

“You faked your death? And Hopper knew? And no one told me? Who else knew?” Her blood wasn’t boiling anymore. Robin couldn’t seem to find the energy to be mad. Instead, she just allowed the sadness to overwhelm her as she waited for the relief to wash over her.

“My mom knew and well, Steve.” Nancy was pulling at a loose piece of skin next to her thumb.

“Everyone knew except for me?”

“We wanted to tell you—”

“But you didn’t. You didn’t, Hopper didn’t, fuck, even Steve didn’t. I just— fuck.” Robin stood up from her spot on the couch. She wasn’t sure what to do. What to feel. She was happy Nancy was back, that Nancy was alive, but she couldn’t help but feel betrayed.

“It wasn’t that we didn’t want to tell you—”

“Then what was it, Nancy? Why the hell was I the only one that wasn’t allowed to know? Why did everyone allow me to suffer? I was dying without you. I felt like I was dying. I was an empty shell without you. The only reason I got out of bed was to get revenge. I just— I was in so much pain, Nancy. It hurt so much.”

“I’m sorry. I wanted to tell you, but we couldn’t risk it.”

“Why not? Why risk it with your mom and with Steve, but not with me?” Robin’s tears were returning. One slipping out and tracking down her cheek.

“Because I was afraid you wouldn’t be able to stay away from me. It would have put the whole plan in jeopardy. God, what happened today did but the whole plan in jeopardy. The only thing that might safe us was the fact you didn’t know. You were angry at seeing me, you weren’t expecting it. That’s good. But I shouldn’t have been there to safe you.”

“Then why were you?”

“Because I love you.”

The words floated through the room. They were enough to shut Robin up. They even made her forget about the hurt and the betrayal. They almost erased it. She sighed before grabbing Nancy’s face and kissing her. Perhaps that should have been the first thing she had done.

#prompts #ronance #nancy wheeler #robin buckley #my work #stranger things #fanfic #robin x nancy #nancy x robin #ficlet

[sayhoneysiren]

𝙲𝙰𝙽𝙲𝙴𝚁☾✩☽

• first things first, cancers don’t fall short of any sort of intelligence, just because they are emotional. the way they navigate through their emotions in times of chaos, is what makes their emotions their royalty.

• cancers don’t just show emotion when they’re sad, but also when they’re angry, thankful, fearful, happy, frustrated, etc. so yes, cancers may be very emotional, but it’s because they are in tune within’ and bold enough, to freely liberate their heart.

• whenever they get overwhelmed with something, they know that in order to reach an euphoric state again, they have to let go and feel everything. and when they do, they release from all the baggage that’s been built up over time. 

• think of it like an emotional orgasm. holding it in in will only cause unsatisfaction, tension, moodiness and stress. without any release there is no pleasure, and nobody wants that.

• cancers are highly connected to the spiritual realms, as well as with their ancestors. they share a strong bond with their families, and always want to be surrounded by their love. whenever they are around something that doesn’t nourish them, they remove themselves from the situation.

• with that being said, they are very selective with the company that they keep and with strangers, it takes a while for them to open up. but even if they’ve know you forever, they only show your their full hand when they’re ready.

• similar to turtles and crabs, they are born with protective shields that are necessary for their survival. others may see this as retreating, avoiding or timidness, but the purpose of their shell is for comfort and relief.

• they are very sensitive to the energies in this world and their comfort zone allows them a place to recharge and get back in tune with their own energy. without the shell they would be super drained and very moody.

• the way cancers exist in this world is in phases. just like the moon, they go through change and evolution frequently.

• they are insightful and know when to retreat and recharge, or expand and take action.

• although they need space to be in tune with their inner selves, cancers are quite attached to their partners, family and friends.

• in their relationships they are especially loyal. the type of love the cancer has is unconditional and supportive.

• they accept people for who they are. their specialty is seeing the beauty in everyone and loving them for it. they offer their honest compassion and do not expect anything in return. their heart is the judge and if they consider someone valuable then caring isn’t a big deal for them. it fulfills them emotionally. they may be referred to as the ‘mother friend’ since they pay close attention to the emotional needs of others.

• cancers make sure the people in their circle are cared for and attended to. If a friend or partner of theirs wanted to share something with them, they would be all ears and sympathize along with them. they stay with them through that pain. you will never feel alone with the cancer.

• since they are always there for others, cancers also need people who sympathize and listen to their needs as well. sometimes they just want to vent and cry out, without being judged or being given a solution.

• they want to be in spaces where they can be their true selves while being loved and accepted. they same way they give it, they want to receive it.

• when provoked cancers can be dangerous. being a water sign, makes them emotionally reactive to mostly everything. they wear their hearts on their sleeves and it’s pretty clear to know when someone has upset them.

• cancers are the type to silently plot revenge and holds grudges, instead of directly saying what offended them.

• they never reveal everything they’re feeling or thinking, and expects people to know how they feel. but not everyone speaks through silent, intuitive language like they do.

• they are great at keeping secrets and will carry the ‘tea’ to the grave. many people think cancer knows are clueless, but they know everything.

• behind their innocent mask, is a ‘don’t fuck with me’ version they have. they can get down and dirty when they feel wronged and can be the biggest drama queens/kings.

• cancer natives dislike aggressive, demanding people who push them, without recognizing their needs and boundaries.

• cancers learn most from heartfelt words and soft nudges. they require patience until they are ready to step out of their zone.

•  they are thoughtful with their words and won’t just say anything without thinking first. they care about how their words and actions will affect others.

• cancers are attentive leaders/teachers. since they have a leadership style that is intuitive, protective and nurturing, they work well with children and animals. they also do well with spiritual teachings and art.

• cancers speak the language of the heart, they see the vulnerable parts in everyone, causing them to be extremely emotionally intelligent. they sense what emotionally drives a person. this can turn them into easy manipulators if they want to be.

• cancer wield a ton of spiritual energy. they often feel responsible of saving the world from trauma. soon cancer learn to detach from certain things in order to protect their own emotional state.

• cancers have a persevering will to face their demons again and again. they have tremendous resilience to ride whatever wave they need to, to overcome obstacles. they see life as a journey and know it’s not a straight line to success.

• they learn to let go of control and flow like water because they understand change is inevitable.

• cancers are known for being homebodies. they put so much effort into their homes and safe spaces, knowing exactly how to create a soothing atmosphere.

• their dream is to have their own home, where they can invite their families and friends over and enjoy their company.

• cooking, baking and catering to the needs of their company pleases them.

•   cancers cook very tasty meals and have the potential of being the best chefs.

• they usually don’t need recipes and feel their way through it like creating art.

• they are creative with everything they do. sometimes when the world around them is too bland, they allow themselves to daydream and new reality.

• cancers are inborn artist and love to loose themselves in art. they have many artistic abilities and hobbies. they may be good at photography, hairstyling, playing instruments, dancing, singing, or writing. 

• their connection to music is ethereal and they connect to the rhythms.

• most cancers are soft spoken and have enchanting angelic voices, especially when singing. similar to mermaids.

• cancers navigate the seas of uncertainty (life) without much order or structure. they feel where they need to go and do not need a plan. they trust that their is wealth in their intuition, and act as their own guide. if something is off about a situation or person, they feel it and listen.

• like mother and child, cancers are forever connected to their inner child. at the end of the day they will return home, where they can be healed from all the emotional turmoil that they gathered from interacting with the world.

• they know their love has no limitation or rules. the nurturing they offer is infinite. they have so much to give because so much magic resides within’ them.

#cancer #sayhoneysiren #cancer szn #cancer season #solange #ariana grande #lana del rey #maryl streep #tom hanks #cancer sun #cancer moon #moon #cancer venus #cancer rising #cancer mercury #cancer mars #tarot #witch #witchy #turtle #sea turtle #crab #hermit #jaden smith #moon cycles #margot robbie #harley quinn #suicide squad #moon girl #moon witch

[mommypieck]

Hello! I've been here for a while and seeing how much you've been through so far makes me sad that you've experienced so much sad shit. I recently came back to your blog since I wasn't on Tumblr for a while(I've been following you for sometime now) and decided to snoop around for a bit to see what I missed, congratulations on 10k followers btw🥺. Also I'm sorry in advance this will probably be long knowing how I can go on for a while.

Some things you've been through I can relate to, my family isn't a step family but it's definitely incredibly dysfunctional and can be shitty. It's almost 4am here so excuse any mistakes I make in writing this, I literally told myself if I didn't send this to you now I'm not gonna be able to later so I'm fighting sleep. Also your friendships I'm sorry you're stuck with people who don't deserve you in just about every aspect ☹️.

You seem like such a genuine sweetheart. I had an experience with a friendship I wanted to end before and I remember being the same as you were, wanting to stay in that friendship but couldn't leave because I was so attached to that person. I thought the end of the world was gonna happen when I left because I was so codependent on them. But I realized that the feelings I had when it came to them shouldn't be taken lightly, the bad feelings, every single one should never be taken lightly. I'm not gonna sit here and make any promises towards you that certain things are gonna be perfect but I can at least say that it's gonna be okay. Not just when but comes to friendships but living apart from your family. I know you've probably heard this shit a million times but you're not gonna be stuck in the same situation forever. If you have decided to leave that friendship I hope you felt the relief I did when I left mine, if you haven't decided to yet, you most likely will feel relieved even if there's always gonna be a longing for the good moments you might have had before, don't let the good distract you from all the bad.

When we all are teenagers or were teenagers, we are constantly told how grown up we have to act that we forget how young we really are. You are 19, you are so incredibly young and you have so much time to become whoever or whatever you want to become. I remember Jane Fonda saying that if you can't do something in your 20s,30s,40s or even 50s, you can still do it in your 60s. I DON'T mean that you won't accomplish all you desire now, because I'm sure you'll definitely get there, but you have a lot of time to get there, to think, to breathe, to exist, to have fun, to have new experiences.

Please remember that you haven't even met all the people who are gonna love you yet. You have so many people who will enter your life later on, as long as you allow them to enter and stay, that can and will love you so much.

If your family is shitty or weird, then you can have your own family, family is not defined to me by blood but by love. So I'm not telling you become pregnant or anything, but your friends can be your family, people you meet along the way can always become family, maybe even family members you'll eventually meet again will rekindle your family relationship.

I'm a bit forgetful (ADHD and trauma not a good combo)so I'm trying to remember what else I was gonna add omg.

You're a sweet girl, you're incredibly talented, if your desire is to become a writer then you're perfect for it already. Honestly I live by, "if Colleen Hoover and Anna Todd can write and publish those damn books, you damn well can too." And I know your books won't suck like theirs do. Full offense to Colleen Hoover fans btw🙃 I expect if you're reading stuff by mommypieck then your taste isn't bad.

Anyway this has been so long and I don't want to overwhelm you, so I'll end it for now, stay safe, and I hope you have a beautiful forever because just wishing you one day isn't enough💖🥺💖.

i am at loss of words.i seriously don't know what to say. thanku so much for this message. it means a world to me really. i am so happy that i have people here who stick with me and actually care what i have to say.i kinda feel bad that you spend so much time, typing all of this. but you seriously gave me hope for better life. thanku so so so so so much. i love u and i appreciate you. thank you again.

[stab-the-son-of-a]

Trope Talk

AKA Platonic relationship bad ending tropes I go feral over. Consummation of the bad things not required, last-second deus ex machina permitted.

Forehead touching in general. Just. Headbutt of affection. Especially right before the end. When all seems lost but they still have each other, so it’s fine.

Being separated by distance, whether it’s a million miles or just a single glass pane, but they stay on call or beside the glass until the bitter end. The dying half reminding their best friend that they love them, so much, and telling them it’s okay to cry but they have to live. If through the glass, pressing their hands over each other’s, the closest they can get to handholding, and the inevitable slow slide to the floor of the dying partner’s hand.

Standing side by side, watching their incoming doom, and without tearing their eyes away from it or communicating with each other, their hands find each other. Their intertwined fingers silhouetted against danger.

Repeating an inside joke or refrain that has emotional significance for their relationship right before the end.

One sacrificing themself for the other but saying “Thank you for being my best friend/partner/brother/sister/sibling” right before they do.

Distracting their best friend with a tight hug then shoving them into the escape pod / arms of the rescue team / safety

When person A knows person B will try to sacrifice themself so A incapacitates B or does it first. Bonus if they give a sad smile and apologize, then go through with the sacrifice while B confusedly asks, “Why are you sorry?” or while B desperately begs them to stop. (Good but specific version is A handcuffing B to a railing so they can't rush into danger after them.)

In universes with soulmates, their soulmate marks breaking, going dark, or what have you, at exactly the same time. Or when person A doesn’t even need to see their soulmark disappear to know person B just died, because they’re screaming their grief already.

Also in soulmate AUs where A losing B has permanently changed them as a person so that they are nearly unrecognizable to anyone who knew them before they lost B.

Person A hiding they’re terminally sick from everyone else but person B just Knows™️. Instead of berating A for hiding it, B helps them to maintain as much dignity and quality of life as they can. B offers A an outlet for their fear because lord knows they can’t vent to anyone else. A reassures and holds B when B’s grief overwhelms them. Finally, B being the only person A allows near them in their final moments, hands clasped tightly or foreheads pressed together. Tears on both their faces.

The worst did not happen and they all survived, the bad guy’s defeated, the bomb deactivated, yadda yadda. Just the breathless laugh of relief before Person B bear hugs Person A and bodily picks them off their feet while Person B fist pumps with one hand and has their other arm locked around A’s neck. Tears of joy, giddy adrenaline, desperate “never worry me like that again”s or stunned, “you’re alive, I’m alive, we’re alive”s.

The worst has happened. The other side won. The big bad thing came to fruition. In the wreckage of failure, they both lie side by side, curled into each other, embracing in their final moments and now for eternity.

#whump tropes #death tropes #near death tropes #platonic love #platonic relationships need more love #self sacrifice #platonic affection #near death experience #terminal illness #dealing with grief #soulmates #platonic soulmates #survivor's guilt #anger born of worry #celebrations

[regular-lord-reckoner]

well, what a week this has been !!

our downstairs ac unit and our water heater decided to tear up at the exact same time !!

so, i spent a good chunk of yesterday just cleaning out the space to get the water heater so my mom wouldn't have to do any of it later

that was one good thing about it being 59 degrees down there! the upstairs one still works just fine but like....hot air rises so i even double checked, but yeah, 70 degrees with the fan on and it didn't do a damn thing for the downstairs so

anyway

i got it all cleared out and a plumber is supposed to be on his way now. he had some emergency cases come up but said he still wanted to come check it out.

my dad had told my mom that the water heater was going to go soon, so we kinda figured. i have taken two...very cold showers this week but it's all good. made the pink stay in my hair longer so there's that

had therapy after that but it was a good session so that was nice. she said i was doing better than i was a year ago and i guess i can see that. even a little bit of progress is still progress and even if i'm the only one that sees it

mostly what i've been dealing with is just...exhaustion. with all this wacky thermostat shit there have been so many nights the aux heat has kicked on downstairs and made it insufferable upstairs so i wake up at like 4 am and just can't get back to sleep

i've been working 50 hour weeks pretty much nonstop for months now but i'm trying to at least not get so stressed during the work day, especially when doing chores eats up all my time like it did yesterday

i ended up having to do all the work i was supposed to do yesterday today which ended up taking all day but i just took my time for the most part and tried not to get too overwhelmed for no good reason

good news, though!! i got it all done. i've been trying to help out my mom more since this whole neck/arm situation started a few weeks ago. i hate that she's been in pain for so long and we still don't really have any concrete answers.

her pcp just wanted to talk about other shit besides this injury but she did at least order an mri which i'm going with her to get done tomorrow so hopefully that'll give us some answers or at least figure out what to do next.

she's been able to get some relief but not entirely and it's also been causing her to lose sleep so we're a pretty sad bunch by the end of every week the pair of us but we're pulling through !!

in the mean time, someone did come out earlier about the ac and i think it ended up being something about the compressor? they'll have to order a part so it'll be sometime next week but i think the weather is supposed to get warmer then so if it takes a minute i think we'll be okay because i can then at least run the cool air upstairs and it should be fine downstairs

mom's keeping warm by the fireplace and has a heated blanket as well and she said at night she can run a little heater in her room and it works just fine so we'll be okay with that and i can take more cold showers if need be especially if it does heat up that's no problem

wild how the other day it started out 70 damn degrees and humid as shit and then it rained and dropped down to 40 degrees immediately

can't wait to see what kinda interesting spring weather we're about to have. also can't believe it's already march holy shit

the way i'm perceiving time these days is just completely and utterly fucked so that seems especially unreal to me

alright, i think i've rambled enough for now and i've typed a lot today so i'm going to give my fingers a rest (lol) and just scroll for a while, turn this old brain off as best as i can even though it never goes off completely

hope it's a good weekend for you if you're reading this, even if you have to work or have some other bullshit you don't want to do. try to get some rest somewhere in there and so will i <3

ps: plumber just got here !!

#nothing bad just my week

[keenregine]

Enjoy my errors If only I could be more consistent with writing, that would be great. Here we go. Let’s just get straight to the point without my usual shenanigans. After going back to Riyadh, I had so much things to accomplish which to me are overwhelming. Apart from trying my hardest to hide to everyone that I will exit soon are the documents and interviews and more paperworks. Going here and there, when those are finally over. I eventually broke the news to everyone. It was a bittersweet moment for me leaving, not that I’m gonna miss work but the friends I made, new and old that I will miss for sure. 7 years of a whole lot of fun and drama, stress and happiness. There’s those persons that are just one call away, and those whom you can share everything with. And thinking that I will start again from scratch moving to another place is quite saddening, is that a word? Saddening? Whatever. Though, knowing myself, I know I can adjust well. We’ll see if it’s the same this time. And so, for whatever reason the universe wants me to learn from. I got a dog. And I was fully decided to bring him with me to the UK. But then, . .get your tissues out (pertaining to myself) because remembering this again will send me to Tearville. Initially, he was given by a Saudi to one of my colleagues boyfriend telling that they couldn’t take care of him anymore. Learning that story from her, I was immediately attached and asked if could take him. We arranged a day when I could pick him up. Prior to that I prepared myself, I went online and bought food, toys, leash, shampoo and grooming things for him, he was a charming 3 month old Lhasa Apso named Tiger. I was too excited looking forward on that said day, when I went to pick him up I was in tears. Not for the first reason I mentioned but because he was left in dirt and his own feces, he was sleeping outside in cold and in a cardboard box, flies are flying all around him, his hair all too grown out. Overall, he was in a tragic state and I know he felt that because he didn’t have much energy and enthusiasm like every puppy would. With all these, he still managed to wag his tail with all that poop when I went closer to him. I carried him then brought him home. He smelled and stunk, but I didn’t care an inch, I still hugged and reassured that he will be okay, my goal was to take care of this baby and get him healthy and normal again. He was so reluctant to move around when we arrived home, like any dog would do he first inspected the place. I was doubting he was sick but then I thought maybe because of all the dirt he couldn’t really much enjoy and play around. I showed him his new bed and toys and offered food, but he declined all of it. I gave him time for maybe he was still adjusting to everything. After a long moment, then I decided to gave him a bath, the feces on his hair was all hardened and was really hard to get rid of even with amounts of water but I didn’t give up until all of it was gone. I knew he felt a sense of relief and lightness after that bath, but still didn’t have the energy. He doesn’t want to eat, stayed in the same place and when he tried to drink water he would just soak his mouth in it. There are moments where he would just walk around but then come back to his bed and looked very sad. I knew something was not right so I went ahead and searched for a vet, one of my friend recommended a Filipino vet that does home visits. The earliest he can be available was early the next day. I was praying and hoping that he was only trying adjust to the new environment he’s in. Night came, and I couldn’t help but to always look at him whether he’s okay or still uneasy. I’m such in great relief when I see him sleeping but that didn’t always last long. Early morning the next day, we went outside and let him walk free in the park. He wagged his tail for a bit, but then again it didn’t last long. At that moment I’m 100% sure he’s sick, it took me a long while because I was still hopeful he will get well once he’s clean and all. The vet arrived and told him his story, how I got him, how he was etc. Initially, he advised to observed him for few days to recover on his own. But it didn’t reassured me that much, I knew he needed an urgent treatment, so he decided to take him to the clinic for an IV infusion. I was praying the whole nigh that he would get well, I was searching what I needed to arrange for when I take him with me to the UK. I messaged the vet early morning the next day, but unfortunately he didn’t make it. It was Parvovirus. I was in tears, that feeling when you lost your own child. It didn’t matter that we only spent literally a couple of days only but I have that strong feeling of attachment to him. Well, I think I would feel the same for any dog. But why did he have go through all of this, I was too late to save him. Too late. Days and days went by, my departure is coming near. I had few farewell parties here and there especially among the people I am close with, but the most difficult part of it all, is the packing. You will never realize how much things and rubbish you have until you move. I claimed previously that I was the queen of packing, it’s very easy for me to sort things I need versus need. But this time, I was in total wreck. Tons of clothes, shoes, makeup, things new and old that I want to give away. I felt like I already discarded almost half of what I own but there were still too many left. One my friend suggested I sell those of which are in good condition. I didn’t have much time I thought, but they helped me out. I am not really good with salestalk, having them made everything else went smoothly. I sent a drum container to the Philippines containing things my mom requested and some of the books I read for safekeeping once I had the chance to go home. Apart from my two large sized luggage, is an extra large cargo box that I will be sending to my future address in the UK where it was currently summer time. So, all of my winter clothes, jackets, boots and thick comforters, karaoke speaker, ‘most’ of the valuable books I have, my Harry Potter horcruxes and wand are in there. I chose the path of paying a huge amount thinking, better I came prepared than not and also some of it are rare to find (Mein Kampf hard bound). I know UK is a great place to buy stuff and all, but still these are the things I couldn’t just let go. Leaving gives me all emotions at once (like it’s not everyday), what I’m trying to say is everything at its height. Sad that I’m leaving, happy that finally I’m going to a place where I dreamed of going (sucks that it’s for work and not totally for leisure) but still, Worried about the unknown, will my new workplace toxic, are people there gonna be nice to me, will I pass my OSCE in one sitting. To cover up those endless worries, I tried to think more about being closer to where Alex is, and the opportunity of traveling elsewhere in UK and Europe in general. My flight went well, Heathrow airport was packed, coming out from that we were greeted by a scorching weather and there are no AC’s anywhere. I saw the pictures of the provided accommodation prior arriving and when I saw it face to face, the room was quite bigger than expected, the major plus is the ensuite bathroom. I am sharing the flat with three other people which I’m still yet to meet. This could be a great start, my home for the next three months or longer unless I find a house to move in for good. Right beside the accommodation is the hospital where I’m gonna be working in. Located in Hampstead, many people refer to it as a ‘posh’ place. It’s hard for me to compare at that point not having seen other places in London. I was thinking everything looks the same, now that I have discovered a fair amount of places, I could attest that Hampstead is indeed posh. Therefore, renting anywhere this area is just nearly impossible. I never thought that I would come to a point where I would experience a breakdown. Being overwhelmed with everything that is going on, all worries that I have just came to a reality. They all say, living in UK can be quite depressing because of the gloomy weather. Bitch it’s summertime when I came and I still became depressed as hell. It’s the only time I became homesick because I didn’t go home for the last three years. Plus the huge amount of pressure I’m going through all at the same time. Finding a house, reviewing for the exam, adjusting to a new work environment although it’s pretty much lenient compared to Saudi. All I did to cope up with that is to explore London which I enjoyed, museums which I lived for, and the good old bookshop hunting. And most especially, if it wasn’t for Alex I don’t know where my sanity would take me. I did make few friends from the same batch I came with whom I hang out with here and there. Prayers did great things for me. I always try to remind myself that eventually one by one all of this challenges will soon be accomplished in His will time. And will be replaced with another set of challenges lol. Because that’s what life is, we are all human after all. Let me just take a moment and talk about those challenges for anyone who’s reading and wanting to know what it’s like whether planning to go here same path as mine or just being a plain old Marites (like me lol). First, finding a house. It’s all up to you if you plan to stay in the provided accommodation (rent free for the first two months) or you want to move out into a cheaper house. One of the person I became close with decided we’ll live together, not ‘together’ together, you know what I mean. Hell, it was dreadful. I couldn’t count how many viewings we went to and it was just not it. I suggest you need to make a checklist whether written or imaginary creating requirements and priorities when moving. For example; proximity to workplace, rent affordability, house type, interior condition, safety of the area outside and potential neighbors. Searching properties online is one thing, setting an appointment for the viewing is another. Sometimes, we almost found the ‘one’, crossing out all things on our checklist, only to be rejected at the end or someone else have accepted the lease. After few months struggle, we’re finally here four 4 months in, like it was just yesterday. Second, reviewing for the exam. With all this happening and more to come, the major thing we need to focus on is the damn OSCE, I would say it’s the hardest exam I had in my entire life. Being that speaking is my ultimate weakness, and it’s all that, only 2% is written if I’m accurate. Failing this three times will result to being sent home, so it can’t be taken as a joke. You need to set your own study time if you’re really motivated and attend the mock sessions thereof. We have once a week session for 4 weeks WHILE also going to work during the other days. I tend to slack most of the time and worrying if I would pass. Like this girl is complaining more than working hard. I don’t understand myself most times but it has something to do with me being overwhelmed (one of my many excuses). Two weeks before the exam, I would pick up one my reviewing materials and let myself easily distracted with some other activities like reading, going out, watching shows and eating. I was like, maybe I should make myself involve in those one of the study groups. So I did, once. Lol. It was fun and my nerves taken over me because they studied very well. And I’m standing there pretending oh yeah I read about that, who am I kidding. I was inspired by them or pressured rather. So I said, no more horsing around and let’s get down to real business. I made some notes that are easy for me to remember, I used colored pens to make it fun. My problem is that, when it comes to studying or serious important matters, I immediately get bored. But I can go and read black and white uncolored novels all day no budge. To help me study further, I divided categories in an organized way to know which one is being asked in the actual exam in one snap. Promise, I tried and it’s the best I can do. After few days, I get to memorize most of them. They said memorizing is advisable because the assessor will detect that and will cost you marks, I figured, I’ll just add some emotions to make it realistic, it’s the only way I can truly remember this shit ton of information. I flew to Belfast Northern Ireland for the exam, it was refreshing to see another side of UK and then again I enjoyed navigating my way into that really far place. I knew I was set to have the exam same date as the others but I preferred to travel alone. iNdEpEnDeNt wOmAn. I rented a b&b near the exam center and the place was calming, and homey. Once I settled my things, I went out and walked around, it was cold and all I brought was a freaking backpack, small cabin luggage costs extra, no thank you. Late that afternoon, little did I know that my housemate was staying at the same place I’m in. She is one of the genuinely nicest person I know, very warm and caring. She was together with some of her friends which I became friends to as well. They made me feel included even though I’m quite elusive. They let me join their study group and heck they were all excellent, I though my effort was at it’s best, next to them I was a total loser. This deserves a second paragraph so here we go. I didn’t have the best sleeping the night before the exam. I was in nervous 10/10, scared of the unknown especially with the way I saw how they studied so well, plus my fear of speaking. Somehow, everything went through smoothly, I wouldn’t go every details of the exam but I have the loveliest assessor. She made me calm and relaxed all throughout the exam. I was the first one to finish so I felt like is this a good sign or am I gonna fail. Others went out few minutes after, some of them confident some are crying. Whatever happens I did best, I knew God was with me the entire time, Kuya Rodgie was rooting for me. I let my worries and fears be, whatever the result was, I am ready. The next day came, and I passed. I’m too hard on myself I thought do I deserve this, knowing how little of an effort I made during the process, but also God gave this to me willingly. Might as well be thankful and I truly was. Whew. I took the exam when I was still in the accommodation, so I still feel there’s still more things to worry about. Third, the workplace. I’m working in oncology since the start of my nursing career, so I chose the same area. As I said, it’s more lax. Breaking this down into two sections, the pros of Saudi is being more focused on technology, from paperless system to scanning medications, blood products and blood sampling, iPad consent, automated medication cabinet. Saudi has the top notch equipments overall. Which can be identified as the cons as well, because it means additional work, everything can be audited and can be an embarrassment if you didn’t do so. For the way they exposed and confront the staff which is one the major reason I left. I admit I am not really compliant in doing all these things, but they haven’t been to bedside not feeling the same way as a bedside nurse does. I admire others for being so obedient. Pros in the UK, although they’re slowly adapting to a paperless system it is still tolerable because they don’t do audits as much. (love that) Notes are only being done in one go. People are helpful and will not attack for things being delayed, there’s not much pressure and blaming. Equipments are still way back the 2000s era but I really don’t mind. You get to make your own schedule and work max three times a week, it’s fully upon your choice to work an overtime or not. You have a designated break where YOU CAN’T BE DISTURBED’ it’s very humanly if you think about it, because it’s the only time you get to have rest from all the chaos and take a breather at night shifts we get to have 2 hours sleep in a comfortable bed. Doctors are doing their own blood request, sending them to lab, they will approach you in the nicest way making you feel part of the team. Porters are there to pick up the patients for procedure, you don’t even need to book them, you’ll be surprised your patient is being picked up for X-ray etc, and they rarely ask for help to for the prep or transfer because they have initiative af. HCAs are there to answer call bells, do vital signs and change diapers. But most times, when they’re busy doing something else, I also don’t mind. Like hello, in Saudi the bedside nurse is the sole responsible human doing all these things and still being blamed at the end lol. You might agree that there’s no perfect workplace. With the pros comes the cons, you will be assigned to 4-6 patients which is still okay because you get tons of help. Being a nurse in the UK requires you to have an excellent communicating skills, not the technical part or whatsoever but you need to be comforting and showing sincere care when looking after them. You need to worry about the things once they get home, their living conditions, house setting, their carers, their equipments, I don’t mean this by you being the only person arranging all these, of course there are discharge coordinators, OT, PT, social workers. But you need to need to know and make sure whether everything has been done and what else can you follow up on. Also writing district nurse referrals, no shit now I can relate this to the OET exam. As I said 2000 era, but that’s how it has been done since the beginning of time. And it all made sense actually, not only you’re taking care of them at the hospital but you’re still involved once they’ll be discharged. So that’s why I’m not really much enthused when discharging patients. But still quite tolerable. Do I still have a fourth one? Okay no more. I will bring this to an end and continue to slay another day. Sashay away.

[sur-un-fil]

Ink demonth 2022 - Squash And Stretch

What happens to those who are thrown into the machine for the first time?

Chapter 15 : 1940 - 1959

I don't... I don't know where I am.

It's dark. It's cold, wet. I don't know what it is, but it feels like being underwater. And yet I'm not suffocating.

I realise I'm not breathing.

It's like... Drowning in fear. Nothing exists but this feeling, screaming, crushing the thought and erasing the world. But I don't know what I'm afraid of. I can't even remember who I am or what happened.

I can't feel my body.

I can't feel anything, except the liquid all around me.

It could be soothing. Like being back in my mother's womb. But it's too dark, too... Strange. The anxiety persists, as if my mind is trying to draw my attention to something. But I couldn't concentrate. There are too many things missing, I feel like a looted house.

And I don't know if I want to find what's going on.

The sadness that always pulses through my thoughts like an echo doesn't make me want to discover it.

Maybe I'm... Maybe I'm asleep and everything is fine? I've never felt so alone, but... Or I'm dead. The idea is obvious to me. Yes, I must be dead. And that is the afterlife: silence, darkness and oblivion. Strangely enough, I feel relief: At least I'm not in Hell! This thought surprises me, and its power freezes me. I try to fight back the terror that once again overwhelms me, but I have nothing to hold on to and I can't think of anything else.

Time drags on and my thoughts go round and round. The same questions bounce around in my mind while I can't answer them: it's an anxiety loop that gets me nowhere but I can't help it. 'Who was I? What did I do to end up in this place? Will I stay here? Will I go to hell next? But why will I go? I don't remember who I was... Yes, but if I was so afraid to go there, there was a reason... So what did I do? Wha...'

I could have stayed like this, suspended in the dark, with the impression that each second lasts for hours, if a thunderous noise had not been heard. Suddenly everything moves and I feel myself being pulled forward and suddenly pressed on all sides so hard that I can't think. The sensation of being stretched to the limit is strange, terrifying. Unnatural. I don't know what colour my hair or my eyes were, but I know I could never twist like that. No one with bones and flesh could.

A round of yellow light appears in front of me and I feel myself literally sinking out of the huge pipe I see briefly before crashing into a piece of metal mesh. I feel no pain. I raise my head and slowly unfold myself. Being back in a body is unsettling, but I'm mostly glad I'm not twisted around anymore. Looking up, I find the gaping mouth through which I fell. Thick, dark liquid drips from it again, and I raise my hand, opening my palm to grab one. The big drop falls, then disappears into my dark skin.

And suddenly I remember what it is.

It's ink.

I've just stepped out of the ink machine.

PREVIOUS

I drop my gaze to my liquid, shifting body as the terror returns and swells in my head. Suddenly I'm not so sure I'm not in Hell.

NEXT

#bendy and the ink machine #batim #the ink demonth #The Ink Demonth #Bendy and the Ink Machine #I feel like it's really bad but that's probably my anxiety talking. #fuck you depression #a lost one #like to think it's Grant

[rotten-sunflower]

Hope

It’s been more than 2 years since my last entry. I’ve moved on to other tumblr blogs for a while but not for long either. It’s been about 2 years since I was active on here.

My blog was soaking of pain and misery and suffering and loneliness. I cried almost every day, felt painfully lonely, misunderstood, stuck and self- conscious regularly. I had anxiety, social anxiety, spent a lot of my time pointlessly at my computer and all of it alone in my room. I felt like my life was just an ongoing string of bad emotions, endless suffering towards an end I couldn’t even make out. I really felt like my life was going absolutely nowhere. I had no goals, no aspirations, only vague dreams that I didn’t even believe myself I would reach.

There were days when I considered suicide. I never got close to any actual plans because I knew I would never do that to my mother. If it wasn’t for that, I might’ve done it. I really felt like there was no happiness in my life for the better parts of the years 2018, 2019 and 2020. More importantly, I didn’t see a way out. I didn’t believe with even one cell of my body that things could become better. I kept on living out of politeness and the mere vague hope of things improving even a little bit at some point.

I suffered enough mentally to last me a lifetime. I discovered every single shade of sadness, every way my body could hurt from mental pain, every single ugly face of anxiety. I felt so much agony that I felt like my body might rip into pieces. There were moments when I thought I need to kill myself if I have to stay in this overwhelming pain for even one more second. I’ve cried bathtubs full of tears.

What gave me temporary relief, not happiness, but relief from pain was art and entertainment media and my hobby. Videos, books and movies as well as my favorite music and my crafting hobby were the things that made me not feel the overwhelming pain for a few hours a day. Still, I suffered a lot. 

And I was SURE I would never get better.

I got better. From the last third of 2020 I started feeling okay at times. I changed things in my life. Tiny things but they made me feel alive again since months in which I felt absolutely dead. I was very very scared of the big changes I knew I needed to make to become happy. I started with baby steps. I didn’t feel dead anymore. I didn’t cry every day anymore.

It took me until the last third of 2021 to make some big big changes to my life. During the summer of 2021 I figured out finally that there are things I need to do to stop feeling shit. It was a bit hard. I had the courage to ask, to finally ask a friend for help. I made a few changes in the course of a week.

My life changed. I changed. I’m not dead and depressed anymore. My anxiety is low but it doesn’t impact my life anymore. I live and do everything I want to do despite any anxiety I feel during it.

In the last half year, I felt for the third time in my life again like I was actually living, not just waiting for death and pushing myself through days, weeks and school semesters. The first time was childhood, the second my exchange year in abroad. Now, I finally felt actually alive again. Like I was actually DOING SOMETHING. Something that I like. I did things that I had secretly dreamt of for YEARS. Things I secretly already wrote off. Things happened that I never thought would happen. My dreams of 2018 and 2019, the things I had never dared to pursue, never dared to even wish for, quite literally came true. I met people. Different people than I have ever met before. I did things I never did before. In this last half a year I made as many experiences as I did in the four years before. 

I am not the same person as I was when I wrote this blog. I have changed in so many ways that I feel insanely disconnected from the person who wrote this blog. I know that this depressed, anxious mess was me but it doesn’t feel like it. I progressed so much in the last half a year that I can’t believe it at times.

Of course, there is difficulty and problems. But there is literally nothing I can’t solve. And I am happy most of the time. It’s okay to have problems sometimes. I am finally, finally, after all, unbelievably HAPPY. I literally didn’t believe that I would be happy again at a point. That I would have a fulfilling life. That I would manage to work on my goals. That I would have ACTUAL friends.

I would be so pissed at myself if I had killed myself when I felt like it. There were days when I only stayed alive for the faint hope of things getting better. I quietly spoke to future people that I might meet. I still hoped I would get actual friends and that I’d want to stay alive for them. I half- heartedly believed it and stayed alive.

If you are where I was back then, in the pits of depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts; STAY ALIVE. THINGS GET BETTER. IT GETS BETTER. YOU WILL BE HAPPY AGAIN. I AM SO GLAD I DIDN’T KILL MYSELF BACK THEN. RECOVERY AND HAPPINESS IS POSSIBLE I promise YOU!

Keep on hoping. Things will get better. Don’t kill yourself, it will all be worth it in the end.

[malinosh]

Firsts

A warm sigh of beauty,

A little sigh of relief.

New traditions,

Old memories.

A radiant tear of joy,

A silent tear of sadness.

The first holidays after birth and death.

Maverick had his first Thanksgiving of his life. We had our first Thanksgiving without my Dad here with us. Granted, we have already experienced Halloween, but Dad wasn’t a huge Halloween fan, and Thanksgiving is basically the start of the holiday season.

We had a nice time overall. We visited with the Trapp side of the family, and my mom joined us. They had invited her at the same time I asked to include her, and I’m so glad she came. We got to see Mav and his cousin playing and enjoying the delicious Thanksgiving foods, as well as spend time with loved ones. I’m beyond grateful for kind, caring family who understand.

I felt a little guilty, though. While I had all the feels and emotions, I felt like I had to suppress them for the sake of Maverick. My therapist is in my head saying, “No, you need to get through what you need to get through and then make sure to go let out your emotions however that may look ie crying, music, writing etc.” I was there for Mav, introduced him to at least 4 new foods, chatted with family, and he was a perfect distraction. But I feel guilty because I was also sad and Mav’s first holidays shouldn’t be overshadowed either.

On the other hand, guilt seeped in because I wasn’t more sad to be celebrating without my Dad with us in person. Guilt was present on both accounts.

It doesn’t seem fair to Maverick, but I am doing the best I can. Isn’t that all we can do? The mind is a beautiful (and sometimes scary) thing; the brain is powerful. Birth and death are spiritual events, and 6 months apart - on top of emotions you already have from birth - is overwhelming. I have learned so much about how my brain works and processes information, though.

Everything is in a new light. Those simple, time passing chats with others suddenly mean so much. The laughs that come with a funny quote from an innocent family member are stored in my memory. The guys watching football brings back flashbacks but you enjoy the sight, not even knowing the score or outcome of the game. And that food tastes delicious; there was love in the making of the food, and when sharing your meal with your baby there is love in the serving of the food.

In many ways it was a beautiful day as Maverick’s first Thanksgiving and time with family, and that is what a holiday should entail. In another way, I’m glad we got through the first holiday without Dad and that it is over. I know he wouldn’t want us to be sad because of him, though, but to celebrate with Maverick.

I thought it was difficult enough having my Dad receive the diagnosis of ALS while I was pregnant. I had to stay calm and as happy as possible because this little miracle felt everything that I felt and I didn’t want to start his life off negatively in the womb. But this is a different kind of difficult, that I wish for nobody.

And now onto Christmas soon.

I’ve found that it is helping to remember the reason for each holiday as well, instead of focusing on self or grief. Celebrating the holidays is tricky because each family does have traditions, but it is helpful to remember why we are celebrating, while we create new memories.

During our mini Christmas photo session with my friend, I read a portion of ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas to Mav. Yes, I also bought the book to read to him soon, too. That was our story every Christmas Eve that Daddy read to my brother and me. One year, when we were adults, we couldn’t find the book. We almost have it memorized! But not quite, so we did a last minute online search for a free version of the words. When we found it, we printed it off and had Dad read it to us. Individual papers were all over, who knows where now, but the memory remains.

Isn’t it ironic how the highs and lows of life can intersect? I’ve heard that passed down from many wise females in my family, and I believe it is for a reason. When the lows of life happen, we have those highs to help us get through them.

Maverick - you are an absolute miracle. I am soaking up all of the seconds with you and loving each part of your childhood. I am not wishing away anything and I am blessed to be your mom. I know countless women want the opportunity to be a mother, and you chose me. I am enjoying your many facial expressions, babbles and stories, milestones, mannerisms, and first holidays. Days are beautiful. We love you.

Dad - we miss you beyond words. I’m grateful you are not suffering anymore and I’m grateful for the comfort that we will see you again, but it does not make the time here without you any better. I talk to you often. At work, we talk about you often and your patients sure do care about you. Days are different. We love you.

[yasminsqueendom]

10. From the Ashes

WC: 4030

TW/CW: Flashbacks of Violence

Micky sat awkwardly in the small transporter jet. It was somehow spacious and claustrophobic at the same time, especially with Shuri sitting across from her with a dark scowl on her face. While her anxiety was still at an all time high, Micky could still see how her appearance and behavior would look. 

She probably thinks I’m a spoiled ass brat, throwing a tantrum. 

I should ask her how she’s doing. 

She probably hates that she had to come fetch me when there are more important things going on. 

But what happened to Erik? Is he hurt? 

And her brother? Is he still missing?

“You know, Micky… I am sorry for being harsh to you. Erik told me before he went on his mission that things had been difficult for you with your family. And that you had lost your job.” Shuri’s features softened while she spoke, but the sadness lingered. “I’m sure you have questions.”

“How are you?” Micky was overwhelmed by the hollowness in Shuri’s voice. The normally vibrant sharpness in her eyes was dull, and she looked like she hadn’t slept in weeks. 

“How am I?” Shuri paused for a moment. “I’m….” 

Micky waited patiently. It seemed like Shuri hadn’t considered this question at all. Just because she’s a genius doesn’t mean she’s not still a kid. Has no one checked on her?

“I’m tired, Micky.” Suddenly, tears poured down her face. Weeks of fear and sadness came rushing out of the teenager like a broken dam. Micky got up from her seat to crouch by Shuri’s feet. “MY BROTHER IS GONE, MICKY! HE’S GONE!” She balled her fists up, pressing them to her eyes as she fought her way through emotions too big for anyone to take. 

Micky was stunned into silence, placing a comforting hand on Shuri’s knee while allowing her to cry herself out. Glancing toward the front of the jet, Micky made eye contact with the pilot – a beautiful bald-headed woman dressed in a regal gold and crimson uniform. The woman gave a slight nod of approval, and then turned back to the controls. Oh. Things are worse than I feared. This child is capable of so much, but she’s still a child.

Shuri wasn’t sobbing anymore, having lowered her fists. It looked like she was trying to disconnect from the pain.

“Hey, Shuri. Look at me.”

Shuri kept her gaze straight ahead. 

“Look at me when I’m talking to you, little girl!” Micky hoped she wasn’t overstepping, but she would do anything to keep Shuri from shutting down. Better to get it all out, now. I suspect there is much to do when we land. 

“What do you want?! WHAT MAKES YOU SO SPECIAL, EH?” Shuri shot up from her seat, glaring down at Micky. “Don’t look at me like that! Don’t talk to me like he would. My cousin is in a coma! MY BROTHER IS GONE!” She was breathing hard, face twisted in anguish. Micky’s heart ached, but she wouldn’t allow herself to falter now. Better she takes it out on me now. It’s the least I can do to help.

“I’m not special, Shuri. I’m just me. Let me be a friend to you. You gotta let that shit out, or you’ll drown in it. Don’t be like me. Cry, yell, scream, hit things….but don’t hold it in. Do you understand me?” Micky didn’t know where this protective side of her came from. It didn’t matter. She loved this girl no matter how grown she acted. 

____________________________________________________________________________

N’Keesa sat quietly, listening to the theatrics taking place behind her. She could hear the woman, Micky, standing up and offering to hug the princess. It gave her a great sense of relief that someone saw the child, and not just the royalty and genius. The only people who ever treated Shuri like a person was her family, and right now, they were all too deep in their own grief. 

N’Keesa wondered if this Micky could make a miracle happen, and help nurse Prince N’Jadaka back to health. Shuri and the doctors had done all they could, making him stable and comfortable, but he would not awaken. Apparently, this was the woman he could not stay away from. N’Keesa would reserve her judgment until she understood the dynamics better. 

“Princess and honored guest. We have arrived.” 

“Thank you, Keesie.” Shuri responded with the nickname she’d used for N’Keesa since she was a toddler. 

N’Keesa already felt better about bringing Micky to their homeland.

“Welcome to Wakanda. Welcome home.” N’Keesa spoke warmly to the women behind her. 

____________________________________________________________________________

Shuri watched Micky from the corner of her eye as they prepared to disembark from the jet. She knew that the older woman was scared and worried about Erik, but she hadn’t asked about him outright. She suspected that Micky, for all her advice about not holding in her feelings, was avoiding the topic. 

Either way, Shuri knew that they would address it soon enough. She waited patiently as she watched the wave of awe wash over Micky’s face at seeing Wakanda for the first time. “It has that effect on everyone.” she said, lightly teasing her friend. “Pick your jaw up off the ground.” 

Micky’s jaw snapped shut with an audible click. 

“Princess?” N’Keesa – her favorite watcher as a child – gestured ahead toward the entry of the palace where Queen Ramonda stood.

Shuri stepped forward briskly. 

____________________________________________________________________________

Wakanda was the most beautiful and futuristic place Micky had ever seen. From the flight deck, she could see the street below. Everyone wore kimoyo beads. Kids rode on actual hoverboards that floated a few inches off the ground. Every Wakandan looked regal and divine. Not an ashy lip or knuckle in sight. There were drones navigating delivery routes. The greenery was rich, and flowery making the air smell fragrant and light. There were a lot of people wearing white around the palace and down on the main street. 

“Micky?” Shuri beckoned as she moved toward a woman that looked like an actual goddess among humans. 

As Micky approached, the older woman held out both of her arms in welcome. “Greetings and welcome to our home. I am the Queen Mother, Ramonda of the Panther tribe.” It seemed exceedingly formal given the circumstances, but royalty worked differently than regular families. The image had to be maintained through all the pain and suffering of the humans who wore it. 

Upon Queen Ramonda’s head sat a tall white headdress adorned with white pearls set in a lined pattern from the base to the upper crest. Her gown was strapless, but lacked no class as it hugged her bosom and flared out around her in countless loose strips. Her cleavage – if such a word can be used for one so divine – was decorated with white dots shaped vaguely like a low hanging necklace. Her sandaled feet sported white toes that matched her short and practical fingernails. Micky noticed the callouses on her knuckles. This woman is a warrior. I wouldn’t want to piss her off on the street, let alone in a palace full of bad bitches with spears under her command.

Micky wasn’t sure if she should bow or reach out for a handshake. As she stood in front of the woman who had helped raise Erik, she squeaked out a shy “Hi, ma’am.” Trying her best not to completely shrink in front of the intimidating figure standing before her. 

Micky almost fainted when the Queen reached out and hugged her in one arm, gripping Shuri tightly in the other. Unsure of what else to do she wrapped her arms around both of them, feeling more supported in this moment than she had most of her life. She almost burst into tears when she felt Shuri’s arms complete the embrace. This is how this should always feel. Whatever formalities that felt wrong before no longer mattered. The emotions, however unspoken, were fully expressed in this tenderness and strength radiating from the Queen. 

“You will call me Auntie, Mikaela.” Auntie Ramonda’s voice felt like actual satin and velvet and honey and every nice thing at the same time as she spoke. She must know the effect she has on people. There’s just no way she doesn’t. “I’m sure you must be worried about Erik.” She pulled back enough to look at both younger women with a serious, but loving, expression. “There is much to explain. Come, I will talk as we walk to his rooms.”

“I’m worried about him, yes.” Micky hesitated a moment. “And I’m sorry for your loss…Auntie. Please call me Micky. Everyone else does.” 

The Queen smiled and nodded as she turned to escort them into the palace. She spoke as she walked. “Erik was in South America after chasing a distress signal from my son’s suit around the world for weeks. It was a trap. Erik and two others were captured after they managed to fight their way to the center of an abandoned village. That’s where they found…” 

“Mother?” Shuri’s voice shook. 

“Aht aht, Shuri.” This interaction would be cute under other circumstances. “Let me finish.” Ramonda took a deep breath. “Immediately before their capture they reach an entrance to an underground laboratory. Within, the body of King T’Challa lay in the early stages of decomposition. To be precise ‘Tell Auntie we found his body.’ was the last thing Erik said before all communication was cut off. It was enough to convince the counsel to send a small army made up of Erik’s beloved Bloodhounds and several War Dogs to retrieve the heir.” 

This last part was spoken in a cold tone. Erik is the heir? Somehow I think he likes his space and privacy a little too much for this. And somehow I don’t think the Queen likes that either.

“Ma’am….Auntie?” Micky wasn’t sure how to pose her question. “Are you saying that Erik would be the king, now? And Shuri said he was in a coma. But what does that mean? What did they do to him?” Now that the shock of the moment was wearing off, the panic was setting in again. There was no way the protective, charming, powerful man who would burn down the world for his loved ones was taken down like this. I need to see him. I need to see it to make this real.

The Queen glanced over her shoulder. The depth of emotion in her eyes nearly stopped Micky in her tracks. Shuri shot a disapproving glare for the rudeness of the interruption, but didn’t speak.

The ladies stopped in front of an ornate door, whose frame was painted gold with intricate spirals and designs carved into the surrounding wall. The handle itself showed an image of a boy standing beside a large man with a cat suit on. The angry look in the boy’s eye was all Micky needed to see to recognize Erik’s scowl. As the gravity of what she’d learned and the anxiety in her chest sent ripples of intense terror through her body, Micky felt her hands tremble.

“He is in here. The sight may be shocking at first. He was badly injured before our people were able to retrieve him and our general.” While Micky couldn’t imagine this regal woman crying, the pain in her face was undeniable. “Shuri..” She spoke to her daughter in what Micky assumed was Xhosa. The two women walked down the hall a bit to continue their conversation. 

The guard at the door looked at Micky with a muted expression. He was the first male warrior she’d seen since they’d arrived. His uniform, she noted, was not crimson and gold like the elites from earlier. There was an emblem on his shirt pocket that bore the image of a large dog – Erik’s beloved Bloodhounds.

“Can I see him?” Micky asked the guard politely. He nodded, pushing the door open before stepping aside. 

As she entered, the first thing Micky noticed was the sterile chemical smell that accompanied all hospital rooms. But underneath it, there was the unmistakable scent of Erik. The bed in the middle of the room was so large that Micky wasn’t certain there was an official name for the mattress size. The frame had translucent fabric hanging down all around it, somewhat obscuring the figure within. 

Micky glanced around nervously, immediately noticing the wall covered in weapons. Many of them she couldn’t name. The opposite wall opened up to a large balcony with lounge chairs and a small table – all painted white with gold trimmings. 

At the moment, she couldn’t appreciate the view. I’m not ready to see him like this. She walked up to the bed, trying her best to ignore the low beep of the heart monitor. I can’t do this. She reaches out to push aside the curtain. Oh no.

As soon as Micky’s eyes landed on his face, her stomach dropped. The long gash splitting Erik’s face from his forehead, down between his eyes, and across the bridge of his nose was stitched closed. While it seemed mostly healed, the scar would remain for the rest of his life. How is it healing this fast?

She reached out her hand to touch his cheek. Most of his body was covered in small scratches. Those aren’t his keloids. His trophies.There was a small breathing apparatus feeding him air through his mouth. It looked similar to the throat tubes they used at American hospitals, but way more efficient and less bulky.

“Oh Erik. I’m sorry.” Her vision blurred as hot tears poured from her eyes. “Baby I’m sorry.” Micky didn’t know what else to say. She knew there was no way she could have been there to save him, but it didn’t matter. Somehow, she was at fault. She let all her pent up anger and sadness out until she felt hollow inside, and then she cried some more. So much had gone right in the last month, and so much had gone terribly wrong. 

A warm hand gently squeezed Micky shoulder, followed by another handing her a box of tissues. Turning, she saw Auntie Ramonda standing next to her with a look of concern and pure empathy. 

“There is more you should know, Micky.” An attendant brought a chair over for the Queen to sit next to Micky. “He sustained multiple broken bones, all of which have been reset by advanced medical technology here in the capital of Wakanda. Herbs from the mountain tribes were used to cleanse his blood of any infection. Nanobots were injected into his brain to help repair damage to his spinal column including his central nervous system. We used vibranium to fashion a new right lung for him, as his own lung collapsed.”

Micky felt her soul shrink with every word the Queen spoke. 

“Wakanda’s royal medical team can work modern day miracles, and have saved Erik’s life, but the road to recovery for him will be long and painful as his body adjusts to the changes.” Ramonda paused to take a deep breath. “As far as we knew, you were his closest loved one outside of Wakanda. We felt you should be here. We all want him to wake up soon, and I think he will be happy to see your face on that day.” 

Micky felt too empty to be appreciative, but she nodded her gratitude. “I’m praying he will wake up soon, too.” 

“I’m told that speaking to people in comas is good for them. They can hear some of what’s being said to them.” Ramonda turned her face away for a moment, clearly fighting back tears. When she turned back, her face was neutral again. “Maybe you can do the same. It can’t hurt.” 

And with that, the Queen stood and left with her personal attendant in tow. 

Micky took a moment to think. What could I possibly say?

____________________________________________________________________________

Erik felt like his skin was on fire. Everywhere he looked, bullets were flying. When he tried to throw a punch to stop an attacker, it felt like he was underwater. When he looked over at Okoye, swinging her vibranium spear, he felt pride in his homeland despite the intense exhaustion that weighed him down. 

‘GET DOWN!’ 

A smoke grenade popped in the bunker they’d fought their way into. He reached down into his thigh pouch for the glasses that would allow him to see heat signatures through the smoke. The moment his eyes adjusted, he brought up his arm to block a downward swing at his head. The lightweight vibranium armor under his clothes kept him from losing an arm to the very sharp blade pressing toward his face, but his tiredness allowed his assailant to push downward. He roared as he felt hot blood pour from his forehead down his face. 

Kicking out, he felt his attacker’s knee give out under his boot. Pulling a long blade from the sheath on his chest, he returned the favor 10-fold as he repeatedly stabbed the soldier in front of him.

He’d noticed early on that none of these cronies wore any identifying articles of clothing. They were all matching and very well trained. They must have had voice distortion of some sort, because the ones that screamed all sounded the same as they died. He couldn’t tell their sex or disposition. This was a highly professional operation.

As he shifted his weight to move toward Okoye’s position, he felt heat at the back of his skull that sent lines of fire down to all of his limbs. 

“My Prince!!” Okoye’s scream was the last thing he heard before he fell.

“Baby, I’m sorry.” 

I know that voice, he thought to himself. 

____________________________________________________________________________

A week had gone by since Micky arrived in Wakanda. After the first day, she’d texted her family to let them know that she had taken a trip on her own to Africa. 

“I’m healthy and safe. I’ll keep you updated.” She’d even sent a photo of the view from Erik’s balcony and a selfie to keep them pacified. Naturally, her mother had tried to call her, but Micky always declined. She would regularly send updates, but she still wasn’t ready to talk to her mother yet. 

Satisfied with the content of today’s update, she hit send and went back into Erik’s room. He was in the same position as before, but now he looked mostly healed. Occasionally, a nurse would come in to clean him and check his reflexes. He would hate that so much. That nigga has too much pride.

He had begun to lose weight, and it worried Micky to no end that her lover was withering away in front of her. She felt powerless to help him, even though both the Queen and Shuri believed she was a necessary part of Erik’s recovery. It felt like an absurd amount of pressure, but she would do whatever it took. 

Every day, she fed him fruit and vegetable purees with the nurse’s supervision. They would inject him with other vitamins and nutrients that were more easily processed through his blood. Once, a doctor came in with Shuri to add a gentle electrical current to different parts of his body in the hopes of causing a reaction. Micky thought it was oddly archaic for such a technologically advanced place, but she was no medical professional and kept her mouth shut. 

Erik’s room had all the facilities Micky needed, so she rarely left his side. The bathroom here made the one in his U.S. condo look decidedly low class. The place felt like a built in spa, and the tub was basically a heated pool. Nothing needed to be turned on – the water temps were preset and each spout was motion censored. Micky had almost jumped out of her skin when she leaned into the shower searching for a handle and it automatically came on at the perfect heat. The bathroom mirror somehow remained clear no matter how steamy the room got, and the towel rack was automated to push out the freshest warm towel – or cool towel if you changed the temp settings. 

Out of curiosity, Micky looked through his drawers one day, finding elaborately detailed garments fit for a royal prince. His life here is very different. Somehow, it feels like he likes it better out in the world. He likes having his feet on the ground where real shit happens.

A knock came at the door, startling Micky. Up until now, everyone just came and went as they pleased. The knock felt out of place. 

“Yes?” Micky said nervously.

A beautiful woman with tightly coiled hair and deep brown skin smiled brightly as she leaned into the room. “Hello, ma’am. I am Tetea. I will be your personal attendant.” The woman – Tetea – blinked expectantly at Micky. 

My what?

“Excuse me? What does that mean?” Micky wasn’t sure how to react to what she was hearing. “My attendant?”

Tetea, to her credit, maintained a pleasant demeanor as she explained. “Yes, ma’am. I am here to assist you with any necessary tasks, and to acclimatize you to life here in Wakanda. We do not know the length of your stay, but you should feel at home while you are here.”

“We?”

“Yes, ma’am. Her Royal Majesty has assigned your care and needs to my humble self. May I start by helping you orient yourself around the palace?”

I have a personal attendant to help me get familiar with this place. And help with anything else I may need.

She looked down at Erik’s face, feeling conflicted between staying with him and exploring the palace. She kissed him gently on the cheek before gathering herself up.

“Umm. Yes….I guess that would be very kind of you.” Micky stood to follow Tetea, glancing back at Erik’s sleeping body before closing the door behind her. “Please, call me Micky.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

____________________________________________________________________________

He felt soft lips caress his cheek. The sensation almost made him cry. Now, more than ever, he wanted to be with Micky. He missed the wrinkle in her brow when she was thinking hard about something. The way she snorted when she laughed about something especially funny. How she would hum off key while she typed up a new story for her blog. 

Babygirl, I’m coming.

When he could feel again, everything was pain. His left eye was crusted shut and the smell of dried blood made him nauseous. The way his forehead and nose stung, he knew there must be a cut there. He could only hope he hadn’t lost his eye as well. Forcing his head to move to one side, he could see Okoye’s face contorted with grief and pain. He couldn’t see what she was looking at, but he knew deep in his soul what it was. 

My cousin is dead. T’Challa is gone.

He took a quick inventory of his body. Legs, numb. Arms and chest hurting bad, probably shattered bones. Facial injury, probably bad. Eye, stuck shut. Kimoyo beads, gone. Inner ear, also confiscated.

What else do I have? Looking over at Okoye, he turned his head back and forth a few times until the motion caught her attention. Her perfectly shaped eyebrows lifted in surprise to see him alive. 

Rather than speaking to him she bared her teeth, clicking them together several times. Erik didn’t know what to make of the gesture at first. Then, she did it again, this time touching her tongue to her canines before clicking her teeth again. 

OH SHIT! She’s right!

Summoning all the strength he had left, Erik moved his tongue around his dry mouth. His gold slugs were still there. They were more than just an enhancement to his aesthetics. They served a very real purpose.

Concentrating with what little energy he had left, Erik clicked his teeth together in Morris code. The same message over and over again. He prayed it would reach who it needed to. 

He wasn’t sure when he lost consciousness, but his last thought was of Micky and the feeling of her kiss on his cheek.

I’m coming, babygirl.

____________________________________________________________________________

“I’m coming, babygirl.”

#black women in fiction #black fiction #black fic #erik killmonger #black panther #fanfiction #black writer #where there's smoke #yasminsqueendom