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voleurdesoleil-archive · 1 year

Text

The lines we shouldn’t cross

part 1/2 - I’ll be holding on to our favorite song

Fandom: Haikyuu!!

Ship: Ushijima Wakatoshi x Tendou Satori

Word count: 10.6K

A/N: this is a companion fic to this fic, that gives you a little bit more context, but both can be read independently from each other. Songs quoted in this fic are:

Distance - Ruel

Holding on - Francis Karel (also the title for this part)

Handle with care - Francis Karel

read on AO3

You were dressed up in the same fit

That you wore back when I met you

I couldn't hide my smile when you walked in

Swear that it lit up the room

It’s raining. In a movie scene the sky would have been a clear blue one, or a ray of sunshine would have broken through the clouds just as he turned the corner. But this is not a movie scene and the sky is heavy with dark clouds.

He's walking towards the store, but he hasn't seen me yet, standing in front of it.

His eyes are set on the sky and I know he’s happy. Not because of the way he’s almost skipping under the rain but because he's always loved the way each layer of clouds moves in a different direction and at a different pace during rainy days.

I still remember that one day, back in high school. He stayed over the night because it had started pouring after our date. We slept in the same bed for the first time that night, but when I woke up the next day, he was sitting by the window buried under my weighted blanket, his hands wrapped around a cup of hot chocolate and he had the most gleeful smile on his face I had ever seen at that time. It had rained so much during the night that we couldn’t go to class because the streets were flooded, so we cuddled up all day and watched a few movies. We talked a lot too. But he always gravitated back to the window to look at the sky and, when I asked why, he answered that he always thought those big clouds that barely moved reminded him of himself, while the ones who were going fast reminded him of the people surrounding him; never sticking around. That day, with that simple sentence, I understood I would never be able to let go of that guy. So I know this is the perfect weather for him, because ever since that day it has also been mine.

His head is bobbing left and right to the music, his fingers are on his thigh, tapping to the rhythm of the song. He’s mouthing the words of the song and because of that I’m guessing that he’s listening to the Ratatouille song. He has been trying to learn the lyrics for the past couple weeks, claiming that this is going to help improve his French. Yet three days ago, when he was convinced he knew it by heart, he sang it to me because Elliott had said that it sounded nothing like French and he wanted another opinion. So I listened to him, but what came out of his mouth that day sounded nothing like the song. Yet he was so proud of himself that I didn’t have the heart to tell him.

His hair, which he cut short back in uni because he didn't like wearing hairnets, has grown back since the last time I saw him and I know he’ll probably ask me to cut it while I’m here. He’s been living here for almost 4 years and still hasn’t found a hairdresser he trusts enough to cut his hair, so I always end up being the one cutting his hair because he’s still too scared to do it by himself.

He's wearing the shirt I gifted him on his first birthday we spent together; the one he grabs out-of habit when he doesn't know what to wear. And I am always amazed with the fact that he hasn't outgrown it yet or that it’s tearing apart because he wears it so often that it’s completely discolored.

He waves to the elderly lady coming out of the apartment building and greets her with a warm smile. She's one of his regulars, always coming to buy chocolates for her grandchildren or simply to chat a little. She handed me an umbrella earlier when she saw me standing in the rain. She glances at me now with a gentle smile.

He apologizes as he bumps into a passerby when barely avoiding a trash can.

His socks are mismatched and I know he either didn't hear his alarm or he turned it off before going back to sleep for another 5 minutes that turned into another 30 minutes and that he had to rush out of the house; like he already did back in uni.

He stops and I gaze back up.

Our eyes meet. He saw me.

He breaks into a wide smile. A smile so blinding and that I haven't seen in so long.

His nonchalant walk turns into rushed steps until he's running to me. He's saying something but he's still too far for me to hear what he's saying but I know he's asking what I'm doing here.

He doesn't falter when he jumps into my arms, because he knows they'll be here to catch him. They've always been and they always will be. His arms cross on the back of my neck and his forehead comes to rest on mine. His lips are so close, I can feel his breath on mine but he doesn't kiss me. Not yet. Not when he hasn't processed the fact that I'm standing here, in front of his store, in a street in Paris, when I should be in Japan training for the upcoming game against the MSBY Black Jackals.

I know he's taking in the scent of the cologne he bought me for Christmas last year. Just like I'm taking in the scent of chocolate lingering on his skin.

His hands come to rest on my cheeks as he moves away to take a better look at me, my name softly leaving the barrier of his lips, and it's the most beautiful thing I've heard in months.

"You're here…" he says, his voice barely more than a whisper.

"I am."

"How?"

"I took a flight."

He laughs and I think my heart skips a beat. "I know that Ushijima, but why?"

"Because I missed you Tendou-" I let him down on the ground, my arms instinctively wrapping around his waist. I need to keep him close, to keep basking in that sweet scent of chocolate mixed with the almond scent of the soap he uses, "-a lot. A little too much. Way too much"

You're right there

But I won't say that I'm standing

I'm right here, when I see you I panic

That's when it hits him. That this moment in time is real. That it isn't some daydream. And his lips crash on mine.

My heart swells with elation as his hands find their way under my coat and that his fingers send shivers up my spine as they graze against my skin when he fumbles for the belt loops of my jeans and draws me closer.

Running out of breath, I part with him before I slip my hands on the back of his neck and pull him back in, deepening the kiss. Igently pry his lips open a bit more, wanting, no, needing to taste more of him.

But the kiss is cut short as we hear someone clear their throat beside us. A girl picked up the umbrella I dropped when Tendou jumped into my arms and is now standing next to us. She gives us an apologetic smile.

"Sorry to interrupt Boss but the store's opening in five minutes and I need the keys to go in." She looks at me, wondering if she should say anything, that’s when I recognize her. She had been standing in front of the door, taking a peek inside or knocking on the door from time to time, and although her face seemed familiar, I couldn’t remember her name. She finally decides acknowledging my presence might be better. “Nice to see you.”

“Good to see you too, Margaux.”

Without looking at her Tendou hands her the keys, but as she walks back to the store’s front door, he calls her out.

“Wait! Isn’t Elliott supposed to be inside? Why didn’t you go in already?”

“He is, the light is on at the back but I’m guessing he’s either elbow deep in chocolate and can’t look at his phone or he’s once again blasting music and can’t hear his phone because I’ve been texting and calling him for 10 minutes but he hasn’t answered.”

Tendou drags a hand across his face and sighs. “I swear I’m going to kill that kid if he’s once again blasting that weird ass song!” As he follows the girl inside the store, he grabs my hand and tugs me along with him.

Just as we enter the shop a boy I don’t recognize, barely younger than Tendou, comes rushing from the back room, holding his phone in one hand and a set of keys in the other, but when he sees us he stops right in his tracks and turns back on his heels, rushing back into the kitchen.

Tendou runs after him. “Elliott! Come back here! For fuck’s sake what did you do? Elliott!”

Margaux, unfazed by the chaos going on around her, turns on the lights and starts quickly taking down the chairs from the tables.

“You can sit at the counter if you’d like, or you could help me. I don’t know, do whatever you want. But just don’t stand in the entryway, you’re going to scare people away.”

“Oh, right! Sorry!” I say, reaching for the chairs nearest to me and finishing to take them down as she grabs a towel to wipe the tables. “Are they always like that?”

“Pretty much yeah… Not in front of customers of course, but I mean you know the Boss…he’s a little…how do I say that without offending you? He’s a little “extravagant”...” She throws me a doubtful look, but I have to give it to her. Tendou can be a handful at times, so I nod and she continues. “Well Elliott might be just as extravagant so when Arthur, the other chocolatier, you’ve probably met him before, isn’t here to intervene it’s always a bit of a mess, but they surprisingly work well together. They’ll calm down in a minute, you’ll see.”

And she’s right. A few minutes later, as we're setting the still warm pastries on the glass shelves, their little quarrel dies down in the kitchen and they come out, each holding a tray of freshly baked pain au chocolat.

Tendou hands the one he’s holding to Margaux while Elliott helps her to finish up before they open the doors for the clients already waiting at the door. He walks up to me, wraps his arms around my waist and stands on his tiptoes to land a quick peck on my cheeks.

“What do you want to do? You’re probably tired, do you want my keys to go rest at my apartment and we’ll see each other tonight?” His grip on my waist slightly tightens as he says those words. “If my other chocolatier was here I’d take the day off, but I can’t leave Elliott and Margaux on their own…”

“I know and I’m not asking you to. I’d like to wait for you here if that’s okay with you. I slept almost all the entirety of the flight so I’m not really tired.”

“I don’t mind you staying here at all, but don’t try to distract me with your pretty face, okay?”

“I’ll make myself as discreet as possible. I promise.” I say, trying to stifle a yawn. Thankfully Margaux makes for a good distraction when she chimes in.

“You’re gonna have a hard time being discreet. A few customers would like to get your autograph.” She informs us, pointing at people waiting expectedly at the counter.

***

I had been signing autographs all morning when Margaux sat down at my table with her lunchbox, setting down a sandwich in front of me.

“Thank you.” I say in between yawns.

“You’ve been working hard all morning, that’s the least I can do. And if you want more coffee or anything let me know, it’s been pretty busy so I’m sorry if I can't really check up on you.”

“You have been keeping me awake and well hydrated so far, so I have no complaints.”

She laughs. “Good to know.”

We both start exchanging anecdotes about Tendou as we eat lunch. She tells me about work stories and I tell her about High school ones. We’re sometimes interrupted by customers she has to serve or by people wanting an autograph.

As a matter of fact, I’ve just finished signing one for a young man, when I ask Margaux the question that’s been haunting me all morning. “If you don’t mind me asking, how come so many people recognize me? I mean, on my way here, apart from a few Japanese people on the plane, no one knew who I was, same as I was standing in front of the store this morning. So I am a bit confused with the sudden interest, especially since this never happened when I visited before and because Tendou said volleyball isn’t really big in France.”

“Yeah, you’re right, people do tend to prefer soccer, but I’m surprised you haven’t noticed that the answer to your question is right there.” She says pointing at the wall behind the counter and that’s when I see it.

I had been out of it all morning, trying to stay focused on people striking a conversation or just straight out trying to stay awake so I didn’t notice it earlier.

Right behind the cash register, in a frame, between two shelves of bread loaves, is one of my first jerseys of the national Japanese team. The one Tendou had asked me to sign last year, always refusing to tell me what he would do with it. I had supposed he wanted to keep it for himself, like he’s been doing with each of my jerseys since we started dating. Although I was a bit confused about him asking to sign it that day, it’s now starting to make sense.

But the jersey isn’t what catches my eyes, it’s the picture under it. It was taken after my very first official game with the Japanese team. Tendou had flown back home for the occasion after months spent away from each other. As I was going around the court with Kageyama, signing autographs for kids, I felt a tap on my shoulder and when I turned around he was standing there, smiling. Pulling him into my arms I lifted him off the ground and held him tight against me as he wrapped his legs around my waist.

I don’t even need to get closer to know that both our faces show a wide smile in the picture, or that Tendou is holding my face in his hands about to pepper kisses all over it. That we’re both holding back tears, and I can almost feel his breath against my lips when he told me how much he missed me and when I answered with a simple “I love you”.

If it wasn’t for a journalist capturing that exact moment, this picture would have never existed. We do not have many pictures together in our everyday settings due to us living so far away from each other, even if this picture went around all the tabloids in Japan, I still cherish it and have a copy of my own in our shared house.

There’s a legend underneath but I’m too far away to be able to read it, but before I can stand up Margaux says. “It reads ‘This is a picture of me and my husband, Japanese volleyball player, Ushijima Wakatoshi’. Everyone here, all of our regulars, know who you are. You’re the Boss’ pride and joy and never once have I seen him get tired of mentioning you every time he can. I mean, we had to stop him from turning that one wall into a shrine for you.” She takes out her phone. “I think I have a video somewhere of him rambling about you to a customer. We’ve had to interrupt him so many times or he’d scare the customers away. To this day, the only times he sounds fluent in French is when he talks about you, and we both know how bad he is at French, so it says a lot.” She looks up at me, and I can’t help but chuckle.

Unfortunately for us, Tendou exits the kitchen just at that moment. “Pardon?! My French is excellent! I was born to speak French!”

“I’m sorry Boss, but quoting Ratatouille doesn’t make you fluent in French…” Margaux lets out before escaping to the kitchen.

“Is that what you’ve been doing all morning? Dissing my perfect French with my employee?” Tendou says loud enough so that Margaux, who’s standing behind the kitchen doors, can hear him, but he can’t help a smile to grow on his face. Even though they tease each other a lot, he’s quite fond of his employees and knows that if it weren’t for them he would have struggled so much more when he decided to open a chocolaterie here.

He serves the customer coming in and walks to the table I’m sitting at when they leave. Not bothering with grabbing a chair he just sits on my lap.

“You still haven’t told me what you’re doing here.” He wraps his arms around my neck, his hands playing with the hair at my nape.

“I did this morning. I said I missed you.”

He stops fiddling with my hair and stares at me until I have to look away. “There’s more to you just missing me, right?”

“No.” I lie through my teeth.

“Ushijima Wakatoshi, I’ve already told you, you’re a terrible liar. Plus you wouldn’t skip training, just because you’re missing me, especially when you have that charity game against the Black Jackals coming up.” He gently lifts up my chin forcing me to look him in the eyes. “Now, if you don’t wanna talk about it now because we’re in public, I get it, but tonight I wanna hear all about those feelings of yours that made you come here, okay?”

I nod and he smiles.

“That’s my boy! Now come here, I’ve missed that pretty face!” He says taking my face in his hands, starting to pepper kisses all over it.

“Margaux and Elliott could see us.” I say as his lips delicately brush against my cheek. Against the other one.

You would talk 'bout how your weeks been

Then you'd hit me out of the blue...

“I don’t care.” He whispers as he places a soft kiss right above my ear.

On my forehead.

“Your customers could see us.” This one lands on my jaw.

On the tip of my nose.

“My customers aren’t here.” He lets out under his breath as this one finally lands on my lips.

... With a kiss that doesn't really tell

Way to put me under your spell

And he’s kissing me. Once, twice, until our surrounding turns dizzy. Until I’m nothing more than this one kiss, swiftly becoming more than just a peck on the lips. His fervent mouth is parting my lips, asking for a bit more. And I give it to him. The rush of warmth on my face flows down my whole body like a growing tide and I’m clenching his shirt as he pulls on my hair, deepening the kiss. His hands are everywhere, and yet I can’t get enough of him. I will never get enough of him.

He leaves me breathless as he pulls away, rising from my laps with the most satisfied grin. But I need more and before he can walk away, I grab his wrist and sit him back down on my thighs. He lets out a gasp when my hand reaches for the back of his neck as I bring him closer for another round.

“Now what was that for?” He says, panting, when we finally pull away.

“That first one was really good, so I wanted another one.”

“I thought you were scared my customers could see us?”

I lean in, my head resting on his shoulder. “That was before I got a taste of those sweet lips of yours.”

My arm slithers around his waist as I place a peck on his jawline.

We’re interrupted by Margaux loudly putting down a tray of chocolates on the counter as she comes back from the kitchen before a client gets in. Tendou promptly gets up, his cheeks a light shade of pink.

“Are you sure you still don’t want to go home?” He asks straightening out the apron he’s wearing.

“I think I like the view here more than the one I’d get at your apartment right now.” I answer just loud enough for him to hear.

“What does that mean?”

I stand up and bring my empty plate to the counter. As I get back to the table and brush past him, I tilt my head down and whisper into his ear: “Let’s just say that Margaux picked the right table for me to get a view on the kitchen and that those pants fit you quite well.”

Tendou keeps a straight face as the customer walks past us. “I have to get the new batch of chocolate out of the fridge.” He lets out, before I can feel his breath as he hums into my ear, “But you’ll have to tell me more about that when we get home.”

***

Later that night, when I get out of the bathroom, Tendou is in the kitchen, preparing snacks, his back turned towards me and I have to take a moment to take the sight in. I lean against the doorway and watch him take bowls out of the cupboard or reach for food in the fridge after whispering to himself: “Oh, Ushijima likes those!” or “I need to make him try that!”. The sound of the knife hitting the cutting board as he’s slicing different types of charcuterie or cheeses, and the sound of his voice as he hums along three different songs at the same time fill me up with so much joy that I have to take a deep breath not to start crying.

He only notices me when I come to rest my head in the crook of his neck and that my arms drape around his waist, swinging us both to the rhythm of the song he’s humming along. His hair, still wet from the shower, is dripping on his collar and I press a kiss on his cheek, before using my own towel to finish drying his hair. “You’re going to catch a cold.”

“Feeling better?” He asks as he leans back into the touch and that his body comes to rest on my naked chest.

“Yes, although I would have liked it better if you had stayed a little longer in the shower with me.” I had always been fond of the fact that Tendou allowed me a few minutes of alone time after we had come down together in the bathtub, or in the shower, but tonight, those 5 minutes I spent alone in the bathroom had felt like an eternity without him.

He turns around and wraps his arms around my neck. “I think we can remedy that tomorrow by taking another, longer, shower together. What do you say?”

“I say that I would really like that.”

“Great, now go put on a shirt or you’re the one who’s gonna catch a cold.”

I do as he says but not before stealing another gentle kiss from him.

He has moved on to opening a bottle of wine when I get back from the bedroom with a shirt on and the weighted blanket, so I start unfolding the pull-out couch, and turn on the TV as I wait for him to finish. I close the curtains, and turn off the lights before I make myself comfortable on the couch and start picking a movie. As I’m scrolling down on the streaming platform, I catch a glimpse of a few ones we’ve talked about watching together some time, but I scroll past them and pick one of his favorites.

“Et voilà!” He announces with the voice of a magician ending a trick.

He barges into the room with a tray of random snacks, and two glasses of rosé almost filled to the brim. The glasses wobble as he puts down the tray on the coffee table and I don’t know how he manages not to spill anything. If it was me, I would still be in the kitchen, walking no faster than a slug, spilling rosé everywhere or breaking a wine glass.

“Wait, how did you know I wanted to watch Ratatouille?” He exclaims when he sees the TV screen.

“You’ve been mentioning it quite often lately so I figured you had been meaning to watch it.”

“You’re the best!” He says, grabbing my face with both hands and pressing down a loud smooch on my cheek before cuddling up to me. “I love you.”

***

We’re barely 20 minutes in the movie and I’m starting to doze off when I notice that the bruises on his neck are already turning a darker shade of red. They'll be a bright purple by tomorrow morning. But even though I love the sight of them on his collarbone, I can't help but worry that I was too harsh on him. My fingers brush against them.

“Does it hurt?”

“What?” He asks before realizing I’m talking about the hickeys on his neck. “Oh! No, they don’t and if that’s what you’re wondering, no you didn’t hurt me when you gave them to me.” He sits up. “But let me take a look at your back, though. The marks I made seemed quite red in the shower, but I couldn’t get a good look.”

Before I can say anything, he’s pulling me up. I shiver when he throws away the blanket and takes off my shirt. “That’s not really bad but we should probably disinfect that. Just to make sure.” And so he runs to the bathroom and comes back with gauze and a little bottle of disinfectant.

He stops right in his tracks on his way back.

"What?"

"I just got stunned for a minute by how pretty you are."

And I'm a blushing mess.

I pause the movie as he sits behind me, landing a peck in between my shoulder blades while he’s at it.

I wince a little as he sprays the disinfectant on my back and wipes it using the gauze, but he often stops to make sure I’m doing okay, or simply to place a kiss on any part of me he has access to.

“This is the last one. It’s the only one that’s slightly bleeding, so it’s gonna sting a little.” He warns me before spraying it. “Do you want me to put a bandaid on it? The bleeding is really sparse but your shirt might stick to it a bit during the night.” He asks as he puts away the gauze and puts back the cap on the bottle of disinfectant.

“Yes, please.”

“Okay, I’ll go grab one.” And so he is off running away again and coming back at lightning speed with a mischievous smile on his face and I don’t even need to see the bandaid to know that he has picked one of those kid ones with a silly pattern. “When are you going back?” He inquires as he applies the bandaid. “And I’m done!”

“Daichi booked me a ticket for the day after tomorrow, late afternoon.” I reply, putting my shirt back on as he moves to lay next to me. I grab the weighted blanket and pull it back on us before I scout closer to him, my arms instantly finding their place around his waist. And I hold him tight, as tight as I can to bask in his warmth, to hear his heart beating in his chest despite the movie playing again in the background. I need to feel his body against mine, to revel in his presence. I almost don’t hear him when he speaks again.

“So, we have almost two whole days together?”

It takes me a few seconds to process his question and query: “Don’t you have work tomorrow?”

“I do, but you’ll come by, right?” There’s a hint of doubt in his voice when he asks that and my heart clenches in my chest a little. “I really liked having you there. I mean, we didn’t see each other much today but just knowing that you were in the next room felt great.”

I got skin as thick as stone, but a heart made out of glass

And I let my temper show then wish that I could take it back...

“Yeah, I know what you mean…” And I do. I know exactly what he means. I reminisce on the few months we spent together after he came back to Japan for a while after he graduated. After our wedding. And I can still hear his laugh when we had to turn off the fire alarm three times in a row because he had tried a new recipe and let it burn on the stove. Or when I was working out and that I could hear him laugh while watching a variety show in the next room. Or when I came back from work and saw the note he had left before going to work saying he would be late that night because he had a dinner party at work. Just simply knowing that he was living there in the house made me happy. But this was almost four years ago.

My hold around his waist tightens a bit more as those memories flow before my eyes.

His fingers stop racking through my hair. He tilts up my chin and I know he’s about to ask me something I’m not sure I’m ready to answer. That he’s debating whether he should bring it up or not. I brace myself for the question that’s coming but it doesn’t come and instead he lands the gentlest, most careful kiss on my lips and my heart breaks a little.

I already know what he wants to ask. I’ve worked out the answer already, so why is it so hard to talk about it? We’ve always talked about everything with each other. Never kept secrets. Not when he started feeling the need to leave Japan. Not when I started having more than friendly feelings for Daichi. Not when he had one night stands here. So what’s keeping us from talking about the fact that we obviously miss each other?

... It's hard to find someone to open up to

When your walls were built so tall

That no one's brave enough to break through

So I try to make it easier for him. Easier for us.

And I say: “Go ahead, ask your question.”

He clears his throat. “It’s just that, earlier, at lunch, you said you missed me, but there was more to that, right? So what was it?”

I sit up in front of him, holding his hands in mine. “It wasn’t much more than missing you, really. I mean, it is a little bit more complicated than that, but it’s hard to explain.” And I'm being honest when I say there isn't much more to that. Because this is what those big feelings of mine are: just longing and yearning for the one man I wish I could spend my every waking moments with.

“Try anyways” He encourages me in a soft voice.

And the dam breaks upon those words. Every single thing I've kept for myself during the past few weeks gets out. “It’s just that lately I’ve really felt your absence in a way. I mean we text and call or facetime each other everyday, but I see all my friends going on dates with their partners, going home to their partners and I think I’m kind of jealous of all my friends in a way because everyday I’m coming home to empty rooms. And I can’t sleep because all I think about is the time we had together after our wedding, and how, now, we only spend a couple days together here and there, if we’re lucky a couple weeks. And I know we made this choice together, fully knowing what it meant for us, for our relationship. I knew it was going to be hard at times, but I can’t help wishing I could wake up next to you.

“Before, I could talk about it with Kageyama because he was going through the same thing with Hinata, but now that Hinata is back and it feels like I have no one to talk to about that kind of stuff anymore. No one who is able to really understand what it really feels like to be craving someone's presence and only be able to hear their voice through a phone.”

I don't know when I started crying or even when he sat on my lap but when the emotional flood stops he’s holding my face in his hands and wiping away the tears with his thumbs. He pulls me to his chest, one of his hands is rubbing my back while the other is in my hair. He’s grounding me back, soothing bits by bits the pieces of my heart that had been barely holding together. He’s telling me we’re going to be okay and right now in his arms I want to believe him. I want to believe that he’s right and that we’ll be able to overcome that.

But I'm not beyond repair

I'm just a little lost out here

I'm not as tough as I appear

So if we go there

Handle me with care

***

When the movie ends, Ushijima is fast asleep in my arms. I brush away a strand of his hair and take a moment to gaze upon his face.

This is the first time, since I saw him this morning, that he looks at peace. His hands are firmly grabbing onto my shirt and I think about what he said earlier and wonder how long he had been feeling like this for him to book a flight on a whim, him who usually plans our vacations by the minute. So right now as I’m holding him in my arms, I wonder if I did something wrong. If I did something that made him feel like he couldn’t talk to me about this.

And I start thinking about the past few weeks and the things I should have noticed. The fact that he was texting me more often even though he had never been a huge fan of texting and always preferred calls over texts. The fact that these calls were lasting longer and that he had trouble saying goodbye and yet when we video called he was avoiding my gaze. And yet, with all that he was quieter than usual.

He was giving me less details about his days or forgetting about events I had mentioned before, even though he’s the type to write them down in his calendar app and set a reminder a few days before the event. Him being really flirty earlier today should have given me a hint too. He's not the type to flirt in public. He'll sometimes go for a quick peck if we’re surrounded by people we know, or an eager one if we haven't seen each other for a while. But that second kiss he went for, that was out of character and so were his flirty comment. He only does that when he's drunk or really sleepy.

I should have seen those signs. I should have noticed that there was something wrong, something he wasn’t telling me. Especially because I know him so well. Because I know that he’s always found it difficult to talk about his feelings. That he’s the type of person who would rather keep everything for themselves and blow it out of proportion by overthinking. And I think about this one time when we had just started dating, when he worried himself sick over the fact that he had trouble with skinship and he was scared to tell me because he thought I would break up with him because of that. And I’m relieved that we didn’t reach that point today but still I can’t help but blame myself because I should have made it easier for him to talk to me.

But I was so caught up in trying to get the new line of chocolates ready for Christmas and getting everything ready for his Christmas present that I did not pay attention to the one person who really needed me.

My arms tighten around him. I press a kiss on his forehead and even though he can’t hear me, I apologize. “I’m sorry Ushijima. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me, but I promise you won’t be hurting much more. I’ll fix that, I promise you.”

And almost as if he had heard me, he lets out a content sigh and a smile grows on his face. He moves in his sleep and I don’t want to wake him up, but I do nonetheless.

“Mon coeur. Babe.” He buries his head in my chest and mumbles something I don’t understand, so I press another kiss on his forehead. “I know you want to sleep right now, but as much as I’d love to be able to do it, I can’t carry you to bed, so you’re gonna have to help me out on this one.”

I pull my shirt away from his hold, but he locks me in his arms before I can move so I throw away the blanket, hoping that’ll help. It doesn’t. He tugs me closer, nuzzles up in the crook of my neck and I swear I almost give up, right then, when I feel his warmth grow on me. When I feel his lips brush against my skin when he whispers that he doesn’t want to move, but I shake my head.

“Ushijima, mon amour, I’m not letting you sleep on the couch tonight, not after the day you spent, so help me out, okay?” I lift his chin up, preventing him from pressing more soft kisses on my neck. “You’ll get to cuddle up all you want once we're all warm and cozy in bed, buried in blankets, okay?” I land a small peck on his lips, hoping it’ll play in my favor.

And it works. He begrudgingly opens one eye. I give him another peck on the lips. He blinks and I'm left staring at his doe eyes, forgetting what I'm trying to do.

“One more please.” He pleads in a whisper.

“And you’ll come to bed with me if I give you another one?”

He nods and I give him another quick peck on the lips before reaching for the back of his neck. I pull him in for a gentle and reverent kiss.

Satisfied, he lets me go and sits up on the edge of the couch, before making grabby hands at me after I get up and my heart melts. I take his hands and help him up.

We stagger to the bedroom and he’s already half asleep on me as I pull out the sheets. He lets himself flop on the bed and I tuck him in before joining him under the sheets. I can barely cover myself with the sheets that he’s already pulling me to him.

“Please don’t leave.” He mutters before falling back asleep.

***

The next day I wake up to an empty bed, so I get up calling Tendou’s name but get no reply. I make my way to the kitchen to find a note on the fridge.

“I’m the one doing all the prep today so I’ll be at the store when you wake up. There’s rice in the rice cooker, leftover soup in the fridge and eggs if you want. The blender is in the bottom cupboard on the left of the fridge if you wanna make a smoothie. Text me when you’re up. Love you!!! ♡”

I take out the soup and put it on the stove to heat up while I go put the note in my bag and take my phone to find out that he already texted me.

10:38 -Hey, sleepyhead! Surprised you’re not awake yet, but I hope you’re getting a good sleep. You better dream of me.

10:44 -I just talked with one of my regulars, she said she saw you waiting in front of the store yesterday and asked if she’d get the chance to meet you again before you leave. She had a mischievous look on her face, I bet she just wants to spill all the tea with you! You better not show her my middle school haircut if she asks!!

10:45 -Nor my baby pics!!!

10:50 -You’re gonna have to try the new line of chocolates and candies I’m creating for Christmas this year!! I’m so excited to show you!

10:52 -You should bring some back home for the boys and for Daichi!!! I’ll prep a few boxes for you!!

11:14 -If you’re awake I was wondering if you’d like us to have lunch together today but if you’re not, we could have dinner at a restaurant tonight. Just let me know so I can book a reservation.

11:56 -Damn love! Am I gonna have to come wake you up with a kiss like Snow white?

11:57 -I was kidding, but I wouldn’t mind a kiss when I see you

11:57 -Or maybe a dozen

11:58 -Wait no!! I want thousands! I wanna get as many kisses as I can get before you go back!

12:23 -Are you going to pop by the store today? You don’t have to, that’s okay if you wanna rest, but I’d really like having you there.

12:24 -Though I do have to warn you people are asking after you, so if you don’t wanna deal with people I’d understand.

12:24 -Anygays, I love you Ushijima Wakatoshi ♡♡♡

I reply to every single text as I’m eating breakfast before I jump into the shower. I pop a couple different fruits and oat milk in the blender, go through every cupboard to find a reusable cup. I rummage through Tendou’s closet, looking for his red scarf and when I finally go out the door, the digital clock of the oven reads 12:57.

It takes me less than 20 minutes to walk to the store where I’m greeted by Elliott who is behind the counter this time, serving customers.

“Bonjour! Oh, it’s you! Tendou’s at the back with Margaux and Arthur, I’ll go fetch him for you in a minute.”

“Please, take your time!”

I take a seat while he finishes up with the people queueing. He pops his head in the kitchen and not even 20 seconds later Tendou is barging out of the kitchen, making everyone in the store jump in their chair. The lady closest to the kitchen drops her cup and Tendou rushes to help her.

“Oh mon dieu! Je suis désolé! Excusez-moi! Vous allez bien? On va vous refaire un café, ne vous inquiétez pas! Elliott, tu veux bien refaire un café pour madame et mets lui une ou deux viennoiseries aussi s’il te plait! Encore une fois désolé, madame! Ça va aller?”

She nods and he finishes wiping up her table. He tries cracking up a couple jokes and she smiles, but I think it’s more of an awkward one rather than her liking his jokes because he quickly finishes up and heads to the table where I’m seating. He sits in front of me with a sigh, his head down. His shoulders start shaking and at first I think he’s crying but he bursts into laughter, his cheeks a bright red. He buries his face in his hands.

“I’m so embarrassed! I made that poor lady drop her coffee.” He lets out in between two bursts of laughter.

“I know, I saw that.”

“Oh my god!” He tries to stifle a laugh but fails miserably. “What if she had been drinking? She would have spat it all out! She’s never coming back here again! I’m so ashamed, you have no idea!”

I take a peek where the lady is seated. “She doesn’t seem to be rushing out, so I think you’re alright. Elliott is apologizing again, I think. And she’s laughing, a real laugh, not a strained one like when you tried to make a joke. Also that’s the first time I’m hearing you speak French with such ease. I’m really proud of you.”

He whips up his head and wipes the tears coming up at the corner of his eyes. He takes a couple deep breaths and says: “I love you so much, but you could have picked another time to diss my hilarious sense of humor!”

“I love you too. And you know I think you’re the most hilarious person on the planet-” I reach across the table and he leans in. I whisper “-but I don’t think that lady shares my opinion.”

Tendou lets out a loud chuckle, but quickly hides behind his hand when a couple of people turn around. “I’m gonna lose so many customers because of you…” He clears his throat and sits up, trying to act like all of this didn’t happen, but I see him throwing sidelong glances at the customers around us. “So! Where do you wanna go tonight? I was thinking either our usual Japanese restaurant, or maybe the new restaurant that opened down the street near my apartment, what do you think?”

“I think our usual one might be the best since I’m heading back to Japan tomorrow. I don’t want to risk food poisoning on the plane.”

“Okay, I’ll make a reservation. But anygays, did you sleep well? You were really tired last night and you were sleeping so deeply when I left you were even talking in your sleep. I hope I didn’t wake you up with my texts this morning, though.”

“That was the best night’s sleep I’ve had in a while. And no, you didn’t wake me up.”

“How long have you not been sleeping well?”

I have to take a moment to think because I actually don’t recall the last time I’ve slept that well, so I’m taking a guess when I answer: “I think two weeks, maybe three.”

“Oh, Ushijima…” Tendou sighs

“I know! I know... I should have told you, but I didn’t want you to worry, especially with all the things you have to do to get ready for Christmas. And I wasn’t ready to talk about it yet either.”

Our discussion is interrupted by Arthur asking Tendou to come back to the kitchen.

He gets up and starts leaving.

“Am I not allowed even a small peck today? I thought you said you wanted thousands of kisses before I left!” I tease him.

He runs back, gives me a quick peck and walks to the kitchen, once again apologizing to the lady who dropped her coffee.

***

Later that day, as the traffic slows down a little, I’m sitting at the counter, speaking with Margaux while she makes me a hot chocolate. I had been signing quite a few autographs today as well, although a bit less than yesterday, but as the sun is starting to die down outside, there’s only a couple of people left in the store. There’s a student who has been revising for the past 2 or 3 hours, forgetting about his drink, which is probably cold by now. There’s another person who got here not too long ago and started reading a book. And there’s the person behind me who has been here for almost as long as the student who turned out to be a writer. We had a nice conversation where they told me about the plot of their story and I must admit it seemed enticing. But seeing those people, each doing their thing, I understand why Tendou loves that place so much.

Margaux pulls me out of my own thoughts “You know, I think he hired Elliott for you.”

“What do you mean for me? I live in Japan.”

“Exactly!”

“I’m afraid I’m not following you right now.”.

“I think he's settling things up to leave. To go back to Japan. For you.”

“What do you mean ‘go back to Japan’? Did he say anything”

“I’m not quite sure, he hasn’t said anything to me yet, but he’s been whispering a lot with Arthur. And the fact that he hired Elliott is a bit weird in my opinion. I mean we didn’t really need him. Sure, the store is getting well known and we’re getting more customers but it could have waited a bit. He wouldn’t have hired someone right now, just before Christmas, if he wasn’t planning something. But he hasn’t told me anything, so maybe I’m reading a little bit too much into this.”

Before I can answer, the machine beeps and she goes to get the cup of hot chocolate. But I can see she has an idea when she brings me my cup a little too quickly.

“Maybe you could try to get more information out of Isabelle if she comes back today!”

“Isabelle?” The name rings a bell but I can’t remember to whom it belongs.

“The old lady who gave you an umbrella yesterday morning.” Margaux explains, and it comes back. She’s Tendou’s regular. “He weirdly opens up to her more than he does to us, at least when it comes to feelings. When it comes to business he always goes to Arthur first, but you’re gonna have a hard time trying to speak to Arthur alone, so Isabelle might be your best option here. Ah, quand on parle du loup… Isabelle! Comment ça va depuis ce matin? Je parie que vous êtes revenu pour le joli coeur accoudé au comptoir!” I don’t understand what she’s saying but I’m guessing she’s talking about me because the old lady walks up to me.

“So it was you yesterday! You’re the husband of the lovely owner! I thought I had recognized you but I wasn’t sure…”

“I am. It’s nice to finally meet you! Tendou talks about you a lot!”

“Indeed, it’s nice to finally meet the person I hear so much about. Although sometimes it almost feels like we’ve already met a couple times because that boy’s stories never end when it comes to you.”

Margaux saves us from an awkward silence when she asks where Isabelle wants to sit.

“Would you like to join me?” I suggest. “I’m going to wait here the rest of the afternoon for Tendou so I’d really appreciate some company.”

“I would be very glad to do so, but may we switch to a different table? Those high chairs aren’t really comfortable for me.”

“Of course! I have been sitting at that table over there!” I say pointing to the table where I’ve been signing autographs since yesterday.

We both sit down together and exchange pleasantries. To my utmost surprise she switched to Japanese when we sat down and I learned that she had been a French teacher in Tokyo when she was younger. We’ve moved onto sharing anecdotes about Tendou when she asks. “You have something on your mind, don’t you, my dear?”

“How do you know?”

“Let’s say Tendou was right when he said your face was as easy to read as an open book. So what’s bothering you, sweetheart?”

“It’s just that Margaux mentioned something earlier and she said you might be able to help me understand what she meant…”

“I can try, but you’re going to have to tell me what it was if you want me to help.”

I take a deep breath, trying to find the best way to word what has been going on in my mind. “She said Tendou might be thinking of going back to Japan. Permanently.”

“Oh…”

The awkward silence that follows is enough of an answer to tell me that Margaux was right. “So, it’s true?”

“Well…” She hesitates and I’m guessing she isn’t sure she’s allowed to tell me but she must be feeling my concern because she continues anyway. “Your husband hasn’t figured it all out yet, he’s still trying to decide what to do with this place, but yes. He’s pretty set about going back to Japan.”

“But why? I mean he’s doing well here, so why would he want to go back? He spent years trying to make it here and, now that he has finally fulfilled his dream, he wants to give it all up?”

“I’m not your husband, so I can’t say for sure, but I guess the answer is pretty obvious. I mean it is to me. We talked about it again this morning, actually, and the answer is you. You’re the reason he wants to go back to Japan.”

She tries to explain, tries to tell me about Tendou’s plans, and I want to tell her that she’s wrong, that she must be mistaken, but when I open my mouth nothing comes out. So I’m sitting here, listening to that lady telling me about Tendou wanting to go back home as every sound becomes a blur and I watch my world crumbling apart because Tendou made a promise and now he’s breaking it.

***

I don’t remember going back home. I only remember bits and pieces of our date at the restaurant. I remember cutting his hair, but everything in between is blurred. As I lay in bed, I feel myself coming back. The conversation I had with Isabelle is stuck in my head, and I can’t sleep.

When did I get so obsessive?

I'm obsessing over nothing...

Pushing away the blankets I get out of bed before I suffocate and go to the bathroom; maybe freshening up will help. So I splash water on my face. Once. Twice. It feels like I'm drowning. This is clearly not working. I need something else. If I was in Japan I would go on a run, but I'm not and I don't know my way around Paris, so going for a run is not an option. I decide that maybe a glass of water will help so I head for the kitchen.

...I wish I could erase our past

'Cause now I'm sticking through this overpass

There’s a picture of us on the fridge that catches my eye. It’s partly hidden by bills and another picture, but I can still see us clearly, posing in front of his store on the opening day.

I can still recall the joy on Tendou's face when he told me about this new project. The absolute glee in his voice when he called me to say that the renovation work was complete and they would be able to open up soon. But most of all I can clearly recall his first words when he stepped into the chocolaterie on the opening day: ‘This is a dream come true.’

And now Isabelle's words echo in my head and they don't make sense to me. We promised each other we'd never get in the way of our dreams, that was our rule. That's why we've lasted so long. We've both been fulfilling our dreams and making our relationship work. So hearing that Tendou is thinking about giving it all up because of me. Especially just after I told him I'd been missing him so much.

That's exactly the reason I didn't want to tell him what was going on. Because I don't want to be the reason he doesn't fulfill his dream. I don't want him to end up resenting me for having to give up his dream because I couldn't stay alone in a house. I don't want him to give up the thing he worked so hard for. The thing that makes him happy. The thing that made his childhood easier to bear. That makes his bad days a little better. The thing that makes his eyes shine when he gets new ideas.

I've come to the conclusion that I don't want to impose that on him when I hear footsteps behind me and I realize that I got here for a glass of water and that I’m standing in front of the fridge with my glass still full, not knowing how long I’ve been standing there. I turn around and I’m met with a sleepy Tendou, looking at me with his eyes half open.

He drags himself across the kitchen and stops in front of me. His arms find their place around my waist as he rests his chin on my chest. He looks up at me with a pout.

“Please, come back to sleep. I’m cold without you.”

I chug down the glass of water before cupping his face in my hands and placing a gentle peck on his pouty lips.

He wraps his arms around my neck as I squat down to grab the back of his knees and his head rolls in the crook of my neck when I lift him off the floor. I can feel his breath against my skin as I carry him back to the bedroom and when he whispers:

“I wish you could stay a little longer.”

“I wish I could, too.” I answer as I let him down on the bed.

***

When I wake up the next morning, the bed is cold beside me. Ushijima isn’t here and I’m carefully tucked in bed. I call for him but the only answer I get is the calm silence of my apartment. Maybe he went to the bakery. Last night, at the restaurant, he did say he had missed being able to eat so many pastries and he often plans a trip to the bakery whenever he visits so he can bring back pastries to Japan. This always comes as a surprise to me because Ushijima never had that big of a sweet tooth but he’s a sucker for pastries. I still remember the first time he tried to bring some pastries back to Japan. I was still a student, I think it was the first year we had been away from each other, and that was the first time he had visited. I remember him calling me when he got back to his apartment, to tell me about the airport security pulling him aside because they thought the contents of his baggage was suspicious so they wanted to take a look. It turned out he had packed too much food and they had to take away a bunch of the pastries he had tried to sneak into his baggage, especially the ones that had custards or other types of similar filling because they weren’t packed in the right containers. So I wouldn’t be surprised if he was raiding the bakery down the street of all their pastries.

So I got up and took a shower, thinking that he’d be back when I got out of the shower. Except, I take my sweet time in the shower, and when I get out of the bathroom about half an hour later he’s still not back, so I start to worry.

Talked about it last night, thought I was fine

Helped you pack your things, put your bags in the hallway...

He hasn’t answered the text I sent him before getting into the shower, so I try to call, but he doesn’t answer. Maybe he went on a run. I try not to panic. He had been restless all night, waking me up a couple of times because he kept tossing and turning in bed. And when I found him in the kitchen he looked lost in his thoughts. So I go to the kitchen because, if he did go on a run, he would have left a note in the kitchen, next to the coffee machine, because he knows that's usually the first thing I do when I wake up. So that’s where I’m headed, cursing myself for not doing that today, but there’s nothing next to the coffee machine, neither on the fridge nor on the kitchen table. And I start to panic this time. What if something happened? He doesn’t speak French and French people do not speak English and even less Japanese. So I try to call him another time, but this time I’m greeted by a voice that tells me the user I’m trying to call cannot be reached at the moment. And I’m submerged by anxiety.

He’s alone, somewhere in Paris, and his phone is off. So I rush back to the bedroom to grab a coat and that’s when I see it, sitting on my bedside table.

...Maybe in a past life, problems aside

We could make it home, I'd hear you when you're calling

And my heartbeat slows down for a second until I realize the piece of paper sitting on my bedside table is too big to be just a note. I sit on the side of my bed and grab the paper. I unfold it to discover it’s a letter written in Ushijima’s awkward handwriting.

“Dear Satori,

Four years ago, we made a decision. We chose to live away from each other: you in France, me in Japan. We had done it before so how hard could it be this time around? We did it once, we could do it twice, right? But today I’ve come to realize that we were wrong and that we made the wrong decision that day and I’ve been holding on for too long.

Missing you isn’t the reason I came here and, even if it’s an undeniable truth, that’s not the real reason. The real reason is that I’m tired of missing you and I don’t want to keep living like this.

I don’t want to keep waiting for you to walk through the door every evening. I don’t want to keep living surrounded by empty rooms that scream your absence. I don’t want to keep living my life as if everything is going well when the only thing I want to do is scream until I cannot utter a single sound.

I’m sorry if this comes as a shock to you (guess I’m a better liar than you thought I was). But I'm done acting like this doesn't affect me, because I'm tired, really tired Tendou. I know that we've come a long way, that we overcame so much, but this doesn't feel like something we're going to be able to get through.

I meant to tell you earlier. I meant to tell you face to face, I thought I could do it. But having you in front of me made every speech I had prepared fly out the window and I couldn’t summon the courage to say it out loud and so instead I’m doing the shittiest thing I could possibly do: writing you this letter.

But now I can finally say it: I’m letting go.

Ushijima Wakatoshi.”

#haikyuu!!#ushijima wakatoshi #tendou satori #ushiten #ushijima x tendou #haikyuu!! fic #haikyu #haikyuu fic #ali's writing

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