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mowu-moment · 2 months

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ranking food tokens by how much personally i want to eat them

- Throne of Eldraine -

i have reason to distrust this meat pie thing, not only because of its wails of anguish but it also seems to have burst a bit in the oven. still not honestly opposed, at least the dishes are clean. 5/10.

how does one unpeel a curly banana? why are there sliced-open fruits on what appears to be a stone in the woods? where is the light coming from? i'm going to be taken by the fae and it's not even gonna taste too good while i'm at it, these things look dirty. but idk i don't mind someone else taking the wheel of my life rn. 2/10.

again, concerns about the floor food, but at least it looks more like some deliverygirl got eaten by a wolf and dropped her basket than a trap. someone already took a bite, though, maybe i should leave it be. 4/10

i have been invited to the Goblin King's Feast and while i don't fully agree with his choices i will certainly partake. boar looks wonderful apart from the hair. 7/10

- Commander 2020 / Strixhaven Commander -

i'm pretty sure cattails are poisonous to humans (not to mention the actual poisons in there) so i unfortunately can't oblige gyome's swamp soup. that crusty bread looks pretty nice though. i'll pick this thing apart like high school cafeteria lunch. 3/10.

- Modern Horizons 2 -

i at least know who cooked this one, and i trust asmor a decent bit, but this is still food for demons, so maybe it's not too good for me. goddamn do i wanna know what it tastes like though. 4/10.

- Unfinity -

i'm considering these two together. as a filthy american, i am allured by these fat-filled foods, but as a lad with a tiny stomach, i doubt i could eat enough to feel good about not wasting it. astrotorium's about excess, goddamn. the only funfair burger i've had was the best thing i had eaten in months, but it also made me ill the rest of the day. i really do want some infinity fries though, those look like the golden mean between a steak fry and a curly fry. 6/10.

- March of the Machine Commander -

meanwhile this looks like a texture nightmare. like i respect it, i imagine it's filling and fulfilling, but i don't think i ever could eat more than a bite or two. bread looks a little worse than gyome's but only a little. 5/10.

- Lord of the Rings: Tales of Middle-Earth -

my white ass loves a charcuterie board. and i'm not going to be intimidated out of it by not eating enough, since it's all in snack-sized bits already. definitely gonna overindulge this sucker. i'm nervous about some of those spreads though. 9/10.

this looks like i'm in a dream, is it actively cooking? or still hot? i can't identify what's in that pan anyway. i'm leaving it alone out of respect. wouldn't mind a drink though. 2/10.

this is not food. for humans. 0/10.

- Wilds of Eldraine -

this is a king's feast i am properly intimidated by. i'm more into it than the Goblin King's, particularly that triple-layer blueberry pie or whatever that is, but i'm going to have to be as polite as possible lest i get a face full of flaming beer. 8/10

i'll probably be eaten before this can eat me, and it barely looks like food, but at least i go down with sugar in the mouth. 1/10.

ogh. that egg looks divine. the bread looks amazing, there's a full glass, i've got like beans or mermaid tears everywhere. we've even got seasonings back there. the best damn breakfast i'll ever have. 10/10.

i would still probably eat this over nothing. there's onion, at least. i will either be hexed or violently ill, but like i could at least get it down. and maybe the witchmother is testing my strength and she'll reward me after slurping an eyeball. a convenient lie to tell myself. 2/10.

- Doctor Who Commander -

y'know, four, i think i would like a copyrighted candy. they look sad and british, which is on point. but like it's not actively killing me like half of these. i think anyway. i don't know doctor who. 6/10.

what is this? i have no idea. custard? raw batter? giant dunkaroo? is he dipping fishsticks? it doesn't look like it's done cooking, like do we need to put it in a fryer again? i'd say it's inedible but it's not poison stew so i have to be nice. 4/10.

get AWAY from me. this is a PERSONAL vendetta. i would rather try to eat spiderwebs. plus he's already eaten half of it. -10/10.

- Fallout Commander -

i can't be too mean since this is literally apocalypse food. i think i prefer this over poison stew? like i recognize it at least, even if it's foul and moldy. man has to eat something. 3/10

i'm not convinced there's actual soda in here. is this just a perspective shot or is this a giant prop soda? i don't like cola anyway. again, worth it in an apocalypse i suppose. 4/10

this soda i trust even less. it glows? does this give me magic powers in the fallout world or does it just kill me slowly? i think it'll kill me slowly anyway. i need fluid to survive in apocalypseland but damn i hate for it to come to this. 2/10.

#mtg #i haven't had breakfast yet today so this is driving me a little looney

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gabessquishytum · 5 months

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Hob likes food okay, he thinks cooking is a act of love, so when he's tapped by HFGTV for his own food show, he knows he's going to do it his own way. His show is sort of Guy Fieri-ish -- Hob will happily eat your burger made of 5 cheeses; that corn dip that was a hit at your town's most recent potluck,,, if it's made with love and care... Hob will happily chow down. He gets to travel and speak (and cook) with normal people who love it as much as he does.

Dream is a Michelin Starred chef; with famous, but popular, restaurants with aggressive wait lists. Food is art and craft; and while he still loves cooking (not that he has time to eat any of it) he finds himself bored of his function.

Dream and Hob bump into each other at an industry event:

M (dripping with distainful disbelief): You're that chef that happily eats oreos dipped in marshmallow fluff, covered in chocolate and deep fried?!

H: 😍 I love your food! You watch my show?!?!!! Wanna go a a date with me, snobby Mc'beautiful man?!

Dream hates himself, a little, that he finds the heathen charming.

This is the cutest thing I've ever seen. I'm MELTING.

So maybe Dream is only in Hob’s part of town for the weekend, just for this event. So Hob persuades him - he'll take Dream for a tour around his favourite food spots. They'll have fun, eat, and maybe Dream will find his love for food again. Maybe they'll also do a little smoochin'. Dream rolls his eyes so hard they nearly fall out BUT he agrees.

It's late morning when they start out so Hob drags Dream for brunch at his favourite little hole in the wall cafe. They do a fusion breakfast menu with traditional British stuff plus breakfast foods from all different regions of India, and you can pick and choose whatever you want to eat. Hob knows all the staff and ends up dragging Dream into the kitchen to chat/try little mouthfuls of food. By the time they sit down to eat Dream has a tiny smile on his face (although he seriously objects to how much ketchup Hob is putting on his plate).

After brunch they walk around a bit and go get boba at Hob’s favourite place because he's scandalised that Dream has never tried it?! Hob also can't help but talk about how much he loves Dream’s food and how he'd eat at his restaurant every single day if he could. Dream can't believe that someone would care so much about his food, but he's very charmed. He even says he'll cook for Hob some time.

Next stop is to get freshly baked gingerbread from a tiny food truck. Hob spends the whole time trying to wheedle the secret recipe out of the owner while Dream is like "don't tell him, he obviously can't keep a secret to save his life." They're basically already an old married couple and they get the gingerbread for free.

At this point Dream needs to lie down because he hasn't eaten so much food in forever, so Hob offers to take him back to his flat and they can drink tea and just talk about food. Dream ends up falling asleep on Hob’s shoulder and when he wakes up, Hob has ordered pizza. Its cheesy and greasy and a little bit terrible, but there's something about it that reminds Dream why he became a chef in the first place.

They end up making out on the sofa for a few hours until Hob pulls away with this face like he just had the best idea. "We need to do a show together. Where we do what we did today and I seduce you with good, honest food."

And although Dream wrinkles up his nose like he hates the thought... he's the one calling up the studio in the morning and demanding to be allowed to pitch the show 😉

#the sandman #dreamling #cw food

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sinningtamer · 17 days

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I know that Harvey is your choice of partner (good choice) but I feel obligated to let you know that he is not the only one who gets unhinged food-related dialogue once you marry him. These are Elliott's greatest hits and I often think about him getting phat

“The smokey aroma drew me here, yet 'twas the zesty sauce that truly sealed my fate... *gurgle*”

“Mmph... I believe I've eaten a few too many slices of pumpkin pie.”

“I might set my pride aside and sink my teeth into a sloppy, saucy barbecue sandwich tomorrow.”

“Would you still love me if I guzzled two gallons of pumpkin ale at the Spirits Eve Festival? Sometimes a man has primitive urges.”

Now I can't stop thinking about stuffing him with burgers for dinner, then filling all the nooks and crannies with pumpkin ale and then giving him an entire pumpkin pie for dessert. If only the characters could actually get fat in the game like in the Sims, I gift him his favourite foods almost every single day.

WHAT IN THE GODDAMN. HELLO. HELLO??????????? ELLIOT PUT YOUR GODDAMN KINK AWAY THIS IS A PUBLIC GATHERING OH MY GODDD????

help all those lines are certainly SOMETHING. he would probably be my second choice bachelor honestly. i can't help but agree with you wholeheartedly because posh characters being discretely a little gluttonous is like the best trope ever gosh. it's so cute he gets comfy saying this stuff once you're married too wahhh. even tho he needs to keep it in his pants jfc

#he's so malnourished in that stuffy cabin of his get that man some carbs stat!!#thank u for the fuel anon i will be thinking of this #maybe in my next save ill go for him. if not leah #its rly funny. they were already my favs and then i got the secret note that makes him shane and harvey canonically the older ones #and i fell for them even harder #ask

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howlingday · 1 month

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Bob’s Burger/Nora’s Arc, who’s the “Teddy” to Jaune’s “Bob”? https://youtu.be/SSeOnYy-6QU?si=LemvYdcgL7XvdIuh

Link

I'm gonna be real with you on this one, just like with every other one I've been on, my go to answer was going to be Nora, since every other time I did Teddy, I remember it being Yang. Heck, with that video, I imagined Weiss and Yang as Bob and Teddy. However, after watching THIS, only one character comes to mind for me... Or I would say that, if other characters didn't pop up.

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Thrum: We don't celebrate War Day.

Neptune: WHAT?!

Magnum: We're like the Atlesians and the Horn Festival.

Neptune: Or me at a lesbian bar... Last night... Jaune, I watched an entire hockey game last night and nobody noticed. It was like my semblance was invisibility!

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Jacques: Well, it's time I go crush someone's dreams.

Neptune: Mine?

Jacques: No, my good man. Someone clearly beat me to it a long time ago.

Neptune: Oh, good.

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Neptune: I just stopped by to show you guys my new nutcracker! It's the same kind The Grimm Reaper used when she killed that Nevermore! Ha...

Neptune: ...I spent 49 Lien on this.

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Jaune: No offense, Sun, but I can't really trust you for a taste test. You'll pretty much eat anything.

Sun: What? No way, dude! I'm a pretty picky eater.

Jaune: ...Eat this. (Holds out thing)

Sun: (Eats it) What was it?

Jaune: (Holds up sponge)

Sun: ...DON'T FEED PEOPLE SPONGES, DUDE!

Jaune: (Snickering) You put it in your mouth, Sun!

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Sun: I wonder how much hair I've eaten over the years. Probably a whole mullet's worth.

Nora: (Dry heaves)

Sun: Worth it. (Bites into burger)

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Nora: Jaune, I gotta go. Sun just ate a spoonful of wasabi.

Sun: (Crying) I thought it was guacamole! (Breathing) Ah... Oh, here's the guacamole. (Eats) AGH! NOPE! WASABI AGAIN!

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Sun: I don't buy anything off a truck except stereos and stamps.

Sun: ...I loved that stamp truck, though.

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Qrow: I gotta go to my cousin's wedding this weekend. Not looking forward to that.

Nora: Is this the cousin you got to second base with?

Qrow: Nah, that was my second cousin, and it was third base.

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Qrow: Hey, good to be young, right?

Jaune: I'm forty-three.

Qrow: Oh my god, I... I have to start working out.

Nora: Yes, you do.

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Qrow: Kid! You're pouring ketchup in my coffee!

Jaune: Oh! Sorry! I was distracted!

Qrow: Ugh... Now my coffee is all ruined.

Qrow: Unless... (Drinks) UGH! Nope! That wasn't good at all!

Qrow: ...Wait, let me try it again. (Drinks) AGH! Nope! Still bad! Still gross!

Qrow: Then again... (Drinks) NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

Nora: Qrow, stop drinking.

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Qrow: (Wearing Jaune's apron) Here ya go, Qrow, my best friend ever! The Qrowin' Win! I named it after you because we have fun, right?

Qrow: (Takes off apron, Sits at counter) We have a lot fun, kid.

Qrow: (Runs back, Puts on apron) You're the best.

Qrow: I'm the best? You're the best! And, uh, thanks for not being salty about me marrying Nora. Oh, and, uh, thanks for being my best man.

Qrow: Stop it. I was happy to give the woman I loved away to you. And I would do it again in a heartbeat.

Qrow: Thanks, Jaune! You're amazing!

Qrow: Qrow, this is gonna sound crazy, but can I live with you guys?

Qrow: Of course! We can adopt you! You can be my son! I married your wife, and you'll be my son! What a day!

Qrow: I love you, Dad!

Qrow: And I love you, my son.

#rwby #jaune arc #nora's arc #nora valkyrie #neptune vasilias #rwbabies #sun wukong #qrow branwen #jacques schnee #my answer #my answers #my thoughts #bob's burgers

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copperbadge · 11 months

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There is one good place to get a hot meal in all of Austin-Bergstrom airport, and it's Thurman's Old Fashioned Burger. It's bizarre but they do consistently have the best wedge fries I've ever eaten. Normally I dislike wedge fries because usually they're mealy and acrid and dense, but whatever they do to theirs (I think probably parboiling prior to batter-frying) they're super fluffy inside and crisp outside. These fries are so good I gave them a cameo in an upcoming novel.

It's perplexing because Thurman's is just a little airport-only offshoot of Salt Lick BBQ, an Austin restaurant that also has a food stand in the airport which produces the saddest, soggiest "barbecue" I've ever eaten. Supposedly Salt Lick is THE barbecue to get in metro Austin, but...not the one at the airport, that's for sure.

(If you want spectacular barbecue and are willing to travel for it, go outside of Austin to Pig Pen. Get whatever meat you want, it's all delicious, but as long as you eat pork make sure you also get a pint of the Baked Potato Salad. It's warm German-style potato salad made with drippings from the bbq pork.)

Anyway, at Thurman's you can get a quarter pound burger and wedge fries for seven bucks and aside from the fact that being in ABIA means I'm headed home to Chicago, it's the best part of the whole goddamn airport.

[ID: A photograph of the edge of a quarter-pound hamburger in a brioche bun, flanked by large wedge potato fries crusted in seasoning; one of them has been broken open and the fluffy white interior of the wedge is visible.]

#abia #sam travels #food #barbecue #texas barbecue #wedge fries

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observeowl · 1 year

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Not Sharing S.J

Scarlett Johansson x Reader

Summary: Someone has her priority different from others

Your POV Scarlett didn't inform me that she was coming back early from set today so I didn't order her any dinner. I was genuinely surprised when I heard the key giggling at the door as I was getting ready to eat. I was not expecting any guests and those that I had given the spare keys to my house are all overseas.

Wearily, I went closer until the door opened revealing my girlfriend entering. I sighed in relief that I was not in some danger and went back to the kitchen to have my dinner.

"Hey! Are you not happy to see that I'm back?" Scarlett pouted when she saw I walked away from her.

"Well... I was about to eat..." I explained while inching towards the kitchen. Once Scarlett moved, I ran towards the kitchen but I was still not faster than her.

"I'm not letting you go until I get my kiss." She held my body tightly and I squealed when she lifted me off the ground. I kicked my legs around until I conceded.

"Here. Enough?" Scarlett only shook her head asking for more because of my play earlier. I kissed her a few more times before Scarlett went up to shower and I was left alone to eat my dinner.

Propping up my phone on the stand, I had a video playing to fill up the silence in the house. I guess growing up in a family where we always have meals together, made me feel very uncomfortable eating alone. I usually have someone accompany me when I eat even if they are just on the phone but the video would have to do for now.

I got started with my burger after clicking play on my phone. I didn't even hear Scarlett coming down the stairs asking me a question. "Hey let me check your phone for a while." I immediately went to scramble to protect my things when she looked at me.

"I just want to see your phone for a minute." She looked at me perplexed since we shared everything.

"Oh. Go ahead. I thought you were going to take my food." I paused the video and gave Scarlett my phone to take.

"You're willing to share your phone with me but not your food?" She deadpans. I giggled, shoving the phone closer to her and moving the food and myself further away from her. The look of shock on her face was very amusing.

She squinted her eyes before doing whatever she needed to do with my phone. "You're not going to care that I haven't eaten dinner as well?"

"Well... I don't know how to cook." I looked guiltily at her.

Scarlett sighed and shook her head. "What am I going to do with you?"

---

Scarlett POV Currently, Y/N and I were cuddling on the couch watching The Greatest Showman with the box of cupcakes in front of us she bought on the way back from work. They were the best cupcakes I've ever eaten. All sorts of events I attend in the future should hire them to make cupcakes.

Y/N's phone rang a few times and she finally reached forward to check her messages. I watched as she mute her phone before settling it down on the table again.

Remembering the conversation a few weeks ago, I tried to do a similar thing again. Seconds after she placed down her phone, I rushed forward pretending to take her phone and she instantly took a cupcake and stuffed it in her mouth, the frosting getting everywhere around mouth.

I giggled at her, my little foodie. What am I going to do with her?

"Scarlett... stop testing me. You know you can check my phone even on yours. You know all my passwords and stuff." She whined as she chewed on her cupcake like a chipmunk with the amount she stuffed in her mouth.

"I know baby... I just like seeing your cute reaction." I used my thumb to wipe off the frosting and stick it in my mouth. "Very sweet." Y/N looked at me sadly and I asked her what's wrong.

"I wanted the frosting..." She looked as if her favourite toy got taken away.

"Baby, I'm sorry. You can have the rest of the cupcakes okay?" I took the box and placed it on her lap. "I'm not going to take any."

"You can have one." She took one and passed it to me.

"Thank you."

---

I just came back from the mass reading and I know my girlfriend is at home today because she took a day off from her office, knowing this would be the last day I am free as I would be filming from the next day on.

Once I walked through the door, I could hear her screaming. "I'm coming, I'm coming. Right in front of me! He's on me! He's on me." Hearing her shouts, I picked up my speed towards her room. "He's inside me! Oh my god..."

I slammed the door open, shocking her as she turned to face me. I scanned the room as there was no one but she had her headphones on playing Call of Duty.

"Scarlett?" She asked, seeing that I was staring at her breathing deeply.

"N-nothing."

"Aww Scarlett, you thought I was fucking someone else wasn't it?" She teased me as she logged out of her game. "I would never do that, besides I wasn't moaning it."

"How was I supposed to know?"

"Come on, you can treat me really good in the shower." She smirks, pulling me into the bathroom.

"That I can."

#scarlett x you #scarlett johansson #scarlett x reader #fluff #not sharing #my writing

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saltygilmores · 5 months

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Thoughts While Watching Gilmore Girls: S3/EP4/One's Got Class The Other One Dyes

Episode titles with 6 or more words (the first four seasons): Season 1: The Lorelais First Day At Chilton, Star Crossed Lovers And Other Strangers Season 2: Red Light on The Wedding NIght, Nick And Nora And Sid And Nancy

Season 3: One's Got Class The Other One Dyes Season 4: The Lorelais First Day At Yale, The Hobbit The Sofa and Digger Stiles, In The Clamor and The Clanger, Girls In Bikinis Boys Doing The Twist, Last Week Fights This Week Tights, Nag Hammadi Is Where They Found the Gnostic Gospel (come on AmyShermanPalladino. Come on. She's just fucking with us with that one. She didn't envision a future where people like me would have to type that shit out). Anyway. This episode is a classic.

Let's have a look at what Jesstopher is reading...

That tracks. Lorelai: I think I'm in touch with the other side. Rory: Republicans? Ba dum tsssh.

What are we doing, naming things we see in the room? Dead cow, dead cow, non paying customer, non paying customer, old timey scale, the only business proprietor in America who purposely tries to drive away his own customers by insulting their selections from his own menu... Lorelai has been having premonitions about her own death. How does she know about the script for my Gilmore Girls horror movie trilogy titled "Blood In The Hollow"?

No, Lorelai will get a much more dignified slaughtering in BITH (at the hands of Rory? Luke? Jess? Her mother? Crusty? Possibly even DEAN, her jilted lover? The script is still in progress).

Now you're just naming all the hilarious ways I've imagined Dean's demise. TWWGG is chock full of "Dean Forrester should get eaten by a ____" , Most recently, it was a pair of T-Rexes. I may have suggested Death by Turtle before, I can’t recall. I do know that when he wore this sweater I said he looked like a turtle anus.

Stars Hollow has never once rocked and or rolled. Lane's got dreams of rock superstadorm. Not if AmyShermanPalladino has anything to do with it. Rory wraps her half eaten burger (The fakest fake burger I've ever seen) in a napkin (this is not a thing) and R&R leave Luke's without paying. INCOMING!

Lorelai's face. Lorelai mutters that Shane is a freak. Because why...? Sure, she doesn't have the best manners with all this barging through the door stuff, but you wanna talk about ettiquite, Miss Dine and Dash? So what makes her a freak? The girl has (horny, horny) needs and she knows how to get what she wants. Shane doesn't play silly games. On a random Tuesday at 6:17 pm, Shane thinks, "I want Jess Mariano's tongue in my mouth" And then she goes to the diner and gets that tongue in her mouth. That doesn't make her a freak, that makes her an example R&R should take after. Shane is a role model. Shane is Rock and Roll. Shane is a modern woman. Shane is a GOD DAMN HERO. SHANE IS SWAN FOOD (soon).

Nobody in the diner even blinks while this is happening.

There may not be any rock and roll in Stars Hollow, but there's certainly free porn, and Rory's going to grab a popcorn and watch the show.

"That was my intention, Uncle Luke"

Introducing for the first time, Zack Van Gerbig and Brian Fuller. I don't have any dog in this fight of "Which boyfriend was better for Lane". Well, maybe I do have a dog, but she's a sleepy bassett hound who can't be bothered to choose because anything that happens after season 4 (aka Lane's life trajectory after high school) doesn't affect me in the grand scheme of things. Alright let's briefly rate the members of Hep Alien: Zack: Lane's first sexual experience with Zack is a complete disaster. Zack enters into a teenage marriage with Lane, buys cheap off brand condoms and knocks her up with twins on their honeymoon, derailing her entire life and destroying her rock and roll dreams. (People on this show need to stop getting married right out of high school, for the love of all that is holy. And stop sleeping through Sex Ed! You live in a blue state where sex ed in school might actually be adequate and available! CHERISH IT). Zack is cuter than Dave. Zack is the lead singer, but I tend to crush on band members that are not the lead singers. Lead singers are trouble. That blond floppy hair is trouble. He looks like he might not shower that often. Dave: Dave didn't do any of those things. Dave definitely takes showers. Maybe too many showers + Impeccably clean, geeky clothes. Did you know Dave read the entire Bible in one night to impress Lane's mother? What a guy. He has curly hair which means he's a good guy. Got sucked up by the Male Gilmore Girls Character California Wormhole but unlike Jess and Max, She liked him so much she never spat him back out. Brian:

Lane gets a taste of the rampant sexism inherent in Rock and Roll when her suggestions for improving the band's sound are totally ignored by the men. Lane's paranoia about her mother is incredibly annoying and stifling to the other members of the band, and they almost walk out, and I'm not saying it's right to ignore her...I'm just saying, I understand.

In my gritty unrated Gilmore Girls spinoff with cursing and nudity and realism titled the Hollow no one would be shielded from perversion. At one point, Kirk apparently had a rock band called "The Kirk Gleason 5" who played covers of Queen songs and Mrs Kim put the kibosh on them.

The people of Hartford to the people of Stars Hollow: Please stop coming over here. There are other cities in Connecticut you can visit if you want to escape The Bubble. What about Stamford? We're full. Lane has to find a way to make it to band practice in Hartford 3 nights a week while still under the watchful eye of Mrs Kim. Rory and Lane try to brainstorm how she might get away with this Super Secret Band Thing, even though Lane has no money, no car, and no instrument.

A circa 2002 Karen (real name: Debbie), calling the Gilmores. Lorelai doesn't remember Debbie-Karen because Rory can only describe Karen-Debbie, the mother of a former classmate, as blond haired and average height. We find out Rory actually had another childhood friend of sorts besides Lane, Debbie-Karen's daughter Kathy. Rory would frequently go swimming at her house. Lorelai claims she can't remember any Stars Hollow Moms because they all look the same, except for Mrs.Kim and a woman with a glass eye. I guess that's Lorelai's way of saying Mrs Kim and Mrs Glass Eye are the only two minorities in Stars Hollow. That tracks. Lorelai doesn't even know Dean's mom? Things might get awkward when Lorelai and Dean have to write out their wedding invitations. Karen-Debbie: The PTA likes to ask prominent locals in business to talk to the students, you know, someone who knows about how much hard work it takes to run a business, and we thought of you. Bahahahaha. Lorelai, a hard worker. Don't make me laugh. Oh wait, I already did. I will laugh some more. Bahahahaha.

The Gilmore Girls California Wormhole is about to claim it's first female snack, Kathy. Things Googled While Watching GIlmore Girls We Owe You Nothing (first tried I Owe You Something because I couldn't see the cover), major cities in Connecticut, Brian's last name (it's Fuller)

#gilmore girls #lorelai gilmore #rory gilmore #luke danes #denise rewatches gilmore girls #Gilmore Girls Season 3 #OGCTOOD #wormhole #zack van gerbig #hep alien #lane kim #dave ryglaski #Shane

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randomuzerthelozer · 6 months

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Text: How many slices of cheese?!

I refuse to belive the "real cheese burger" is real

It looks like something tissues(Burner) would make if the challenge was "Make a burger"

And then CD would be like "I- I Think were gonna loose"

And then daddy long legs would taste it and be like "Wow that was the best thing I've ever eaten the strangers are safe"

(PS this is a old draft I never posted lol)

#my art #doodles #What in the world were the people who pitched that on #burner #burner osc #burner tissues #CD burner #osc #object show community

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max1461 · 3 months

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the very best steak I've ever eaten is better than the best burger (tho admittedly not by an overwhelmingly massive amount, just solidly above the best burgers by like one tier), but the worst steak I've ever tried to eat is way way worse than the worst burger, and the average skill cook burger beats the average skill level cook steak every day of every week. overall I'd say i quite like *great* steak but most steak is mid at best and mid steak just kinda sucks.

Maybe I've just never had a truly great steak. As I said, I would totally try that wagyu shit, that A5 kobe. But the steaks I've had? Mid and ass.

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anonymouscomrade · 3 months

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aC on vacation

so here's a summary of day 1, more later when i feel like getting the photos off my phone

got to a hotel where my brother and his wife are staying because fuck driving several hours when i should be asleep. google maps sends me to a parallel fucking dimension where the hotel was built on the opposite side of the city. also the roads here are somehow iced over when most of the road leading here wasn't so go figure. we try to get dinner and almost everywhere is closed on account of the snow, except for this hole in the wall chinese takeout place, because if you can count on any place to be open, it's one of these. they make the best general tso's chicken i've had in a long time, it turns out

woke up at like four in the morning for our 7:30 am flight, because by airport logic being only two hours early is tantamount to no-showing. this was right after shit got polar so the roads were covered in ice. at the parking place, i tried and failed to get past a barrier before the lever arm came back down again because it was on a slight incline and i couldn't get enough traction to clear it before it closed. this happened like SIX TIMES, it was some Three Stooges shit

our shuttle takes us over to the airport. i stick to my brother like a little kid to his mom because he's done this before and i have not. the flight is going to be five hours. which doesn't make sense to me because the return flight is only supposed to be three and a half. i dunno, maybe headwinds or something? i'm not a fucking pilot. i'm anxious to get this part over with because, again, never flown before. after waiting for clearance for what feels like forever (justified, on account of ice) we're finally in the air. it's... nothing? it's kind of mundane and somehow boring. one of the greatest achievements in human history and the only difference between this and being on a bus packed full of strangers is there's no road to rumble against that eventually numbs your butt, and also it's several degrees of magnitude faster than a bus i suppose

we arrive at LAX and if i didn't already feel like a fish out of water then oh boy. how the fuck do people live like this? how do you figure out who's supposed to go where? it's like living in the Kowloon Walled City, thought the guy who grew up imagining anywhere big enough to have a walmart counted as a "big city"

we get another shuttle, this one absolutely cramped with people, to get to the rental car place. my brother argues with the guy (who isn't even actually *physically* there, he's somehow doing sales over Zoom or some shit) for like half an hour before telling him to cancel the whole thing. turns out they wanted close to four times what he was originally quoted and weren't budging. we decide to get an uber to the closest In-n-Out, because we're in California, and also starving, so why not. we're standing in line looking a bunch of huge dorks carrying around suitcases. if i was ever going to be mugged in broad daylight it would be right here, right now. i order a double double combo, swap out the tomato for onions because raw tomato has all the texture and flavor of a balloon filled with wet sand, and onions and cheeseburgers go together like chocolate and peanut butter. the burger's okay, i guess. the fries are the most boring fries i've ever eaten. at least it's probably the cheapest meal i'll have while i'm here

we take another uber to get to our airbnb, about 45 minutes out. every other billboard is this guy

we arrive and immediately notice something is wrong. it was advertised as 4 bed. there are TWO double beds. this is pretty good if you're two married couples and not so much if you're the double third wheel travelling with two married couples. there's one room with a folding leather futon and not much else that seems kind of pointless and i decide this is where i'll stay. turns out that futon is the least comfortable sleeping surface ever manufactured in human history and there are maybe three exact positions that are even kind of comfortable enough to fall asleep in while lying on it and not having an iron bar press up into your lower back or your shoulderblade or the back of your neck

END OF DAY 1

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mcsquared789 · 5 months

Text

The Consultant (one-shot)

A one-shot based on the short film. Enjoy!

Jasper Sitwell looked at his watch. It was well past 9 PM.

He went back to the remnants of his black, bitter coffee. Sitting at a table in a polyester booth of a poorly air-conditioned IHOP. He had already eaten his burger and fries, but was now just shuffling in his seat while he waited for Coulson to return. The place was well and empty, with only a single staffer currently washing dishes in the kitchen.

The perfect time for a quiet conversation. If there even would be one.

Sitwell rubbed his head and took off his glasses, and leaned back in his seat. He was quickly losing patience — but protocol required that he remained unassuming and non-confrontational. Unfortunately, he was finding it difficult to be both when he had been sitting in this damn place for hours… this was just not in the docket for him. He was supposed to be sleeping right now, not pretending to enjoy the pleasures of a half-closed Americana fast food drive-in.

He rolled his eyes. I hate this place. This is why no one eats at the tables anymore. Didn't you people figure this out, what — several decades ago?

But he just clutched his fingers together. It was… fine, he supposed. Coulson was probably being held up by the meeting, or something big was happening that had taken his full attention. Sitwell was impatient to find out what, but he knew if he ever interjected he never would. Coulson had chosen him as his confidant for discussions of the sort, and it was best not to jeopardize their relationship while they still had time.

The door swung open, hitting a tinny bell. Sitwell twisted his head, and let out a deep breath: it was him. Finally.

Coulson strolled in with a stiff lip. Spotting Sitwell immediately, he adjusted his suit and slid into the booth opposite from him. He looked at him with bags under his eyes, like he had spent the entire day out in the blistering sun. Or had been listening to stupid people, with their petty squabbles.

"About time," Sitwell retorted. "You missed breakfast. What a shame, they make such good pancakes here…"

Coulson gave Sitwell a dirty look, briefly opening his mouth to snap at him… but instead sinking into his seat with bitterness. Sitwell just drank his coffee again, before putting it aside.

"So… it didn't go well?"

"No. It did not."

Sitwell scanned Coulson's face for clues. He wondered whether the blow being dealt here was a bad one. At least, for them.

"Tell me," he asked. "Did they reject the initiative?"

"Of course not." Coulson shook his head hurriedly. "They haven't really made any demands that we are being forced to follow, unless ordered… and the Avengers Initiative is still a framework. We really only have Romanoff and Barton in big consideration at this point, as well as — you know." He waved it away.

"Yeah," Sitwell agreed. "But I think I've hit the point of discussion —"

"It is about that," Coulson scowled. "They did make a request. The most idiotic, ill-conceived request imaginable."

Sitwell leaned in.

"They want Blonsky on the team," Coulson stated. His voice dripping with ice.

Sitwell's mouth fell open. "The Abomination?"

"Sure. No one there apparently likes it when anyone calls him that, so… just a heads up."

Sitwell was stunned. The Abomination? The monster who wrecked half of Manhattan? That??

And here I am then… sympathizing with Fury for once. Unbelievable.

"What about Harlem, then?"

"They're going to make an attempt to pin it on Banner," Coulson sighed. "The US military is already being heavily scrutinized after being outed by the whole affair, leading to lots of skepticism and doubt — something they can't afford to lose if they want to continue to make a good impression in the public eye. And Elizabeth Ross is an excellent whistleblower, but she knows very, very little about Blonsky's involvement. Banner is an easy target."

Sitwell nodded. "So when it comes to Blonsky…"

"They want to frame him as a war hero, as the good guy," explained Coulson. "Then exoneration, release and addition to the roster. They think it would be easy to do, since very little people have evidence to prove what he's done otherwise. But I have a suspicion it will lay the groundwork for a good scandal in the intervening years."

"So," Sitwell gestured. "We just provide enough evidence to the public through the woman to show otherwise! We already have some, enough that we can stop this —"

"Yeah, about that," Coulson interrupted, chuckling. "We do have some that we've already given to her. Not enough, however. And besides… these cases take a long time to happen. The WSC wants an answer right now."

Sitwell tilted his head in confusion.

"They think we have him?"

"We've told them what we already know. That Blonsky is currently in Ross's sector at the Pentagon. They'll need to speak to him before the man gets released, and… he's currently unavailable."

"Missing?" Sitwell stared.

"No, just drunk. Last reported in New Jersey, waiting for the trial to begin. He's not going anywhere."

"And does Director Fury even want Blonsky?"

"Of course not," Coulson grinned, like that was obvious. "He told them offhandedly to fuck off."

Sitwell shrugged. Not very surprising, he thought. The scariest person we know. A real problem for anyone who crosses him — a genuine threat.

"But he's still committed, I'm assuming?"

Coulson nodded. "He can't ignore an explicit directive. So, he's asking us to make sure we don't have to."

"To do something… to make something else not — happen?" Sitwell shuffled uncomfortably, and looked around to make sure no one was watching. Then he looked at Coulson. "How the hell does that work?"

"What I mean is…" Coulson cleared his throat. "We need to send a liaison to the General within the next twenty-four hours. We get to choose, and their job will be to convince the General to hand Blonsky over. Simple."

"And we don't want him."

"No. So we don't want it to work."

"Ah," Sitwell looked out of the window into the night, watching the road and considering the options. He loosened his tie a little so he could think better — unlike other cases, he was willing to collaborate. The alternative was a step too overt.

"Then we send a patsy," he finally decided. "Someone to sabotage the debriefing."

"How?" Coulson squinted.

"Someone who's so inept, and affable…" Sitwell stroked his chin. "That it will sway General Ross to refuse the request. I could do that — I make a great patsy," he pointed to himself, chuckling. "Excellent at screwing things up on purpose."

Cutting it close there.

"Yes," Coulson snickered. "Your patsy is legendary. In fact," he sneered at him. "When I think of the word patsy —"

"Ha ha ha. Don't rub it in." Sitwell's smile wiped itself off his face.

"Wasn't going to," Coulson said mischievously. "But maybe, it'll be too obvious…"

"Well, if you have any other ideas at hand… we have Barton, we have Hill," Sitwell counted them off. "Neither of them great at being a patsy, which I'd think they'd appreciate. You know of anyone we can trust?"

"Hmm. What's your clearance level?" Coulson raised an eyebrow.

"Heh, that's funny," Sitwell said sarcastically. "Level six, same as you."

Coulson didn't respond. He just looked Sitwell up and down.

Then, Sitwell got a strange feeling… and he stared at Coulson, leaning forward with his arms on the table.

No. Really? "There's a level seven?"

Coulson shrugged.

When did I — in all my years of being part of this damn company, I… Sitwell rubbed off the sweat that had suddenly accumulated on his forehead. I never heard anything like this. How did I miss this in my reports?

This is unacceptable. Negligent of me. What does this even… how has Fury even…

"A level seven??" Sitwell repeated, eyes widening.

Coulson just cupped his hands together. "I wouldn't know. But it wouldn't surprise me, honestly… you know, there's always something else at the top."

He shook his head. "Now, I'm thinking that for this, we need a slightly different skill set. If we want the General to refuse this request… then we need to send someone who we know can annoy him. He is a bitter, spiteful old man and I'm sure he won't listen to most people. But that's not enough."

"Well… there's always —"

"Someone arrogant. Abrasive with a disdain for authority… someone capable of offending people to their very core."

Sitwell looked at Coulson, trying not to think about his current clearance level — be a professional. Yet the person he was speaking of was super obvious… he just hadn't realized it yet. Just like Coulson didn't realize much about most things with him.

"You're talking about the Consultant, aren't you?"

"No, I'm not." Coulson snapped his mouth closed.

"You just described him to a tee."

"I am telling you right now, stop it." Coulson lectured. "I'm not calling the Consultant."

"Wha — why not?" Sitwell huffed. "Is he really that busy?"

"Always!" Coulson insisted. "Especially right now, after what happened when we left for New Mexico."

"He's not the CEO though anymore, is he?" Sitwell asked. "He owns a private jet. I'm sure he can drop by New Jersey if he —"

"When we did this song and dance last year," Coulson muttered. "He held me up, all the time. Fury was waiting for me to report to him constantly — there was a real chance back then that I thought I wouldn't be able to see him. Now, we have to send someone within 24 hours —"

"But you managed to see him," Sitwell interrupted. "And now you're friends. It won't hurt to try, will it?"

"I — I don't know," Coulson said blearily, throwing up his hands. "I don't even know where he is! He could around the other side of the world, for all we know."

"Considering what he's doing, I'm sure he is," Sitwell said impatiently. "Just call him, Phil. For Christ's sake."

"Okay, okay —" Coulson brought out his phone. "I'll put it on speaker."

The phone rang. After a minute, the call connected.

Sitwell drew in a sharp breath as he heard him on the phone. "Agent Dunham. What's up?"

Sitwell smirked at Coulson. I told you so. Coulson just moved the phone closer to him, looking miffed. "Stark, I normally don't do this…"

"Ah. I'm needed?"

"Just a small, simple task. You know General Ross?"

A slight giggle came out. One of those laughs that predated some long-due mischief. "Oooh... you bet your ass I have."

"He's in New Jersey," Coulson continued. "I'll send you the details of places he might be, but essentially you are… being asked, not by us but by the World Security Council… if, uh, we can add Blonsky to the Avengers."

Silence — you could almost hear a pin drop. Sitwell wondered if Stark was also processing the absurdity of this endeavor.

"Seriously?"

"Unfortunately," Coulson confirmed. "Fury's busy, but he asked us to find someone. To complicate matters."

"I see." They heard shuffling on the phone. "Well, good news for you, my friend — I'm actually in the city right now. Stark Tower."

Sitwell lit up a little, hearing this. "Is that —"

"Shh. Yes." Coulson raised a finger to his mouth.

"— So I have time to pop over to Jersey for a bit. I'll contact you when I've finished… in any case, I'm glad you've brought this to my attention. It would have been a shame if I had found out too late…" Stark trailed off, his voice laden with irritation.

The call ended. Sitwell looked at Coulson expectantly.

"Yeah, I'll admit it," Coulson said reluctantly. "It was a good idea."

"I'm glad to hear it," Sitwell said, smiling forcefully. "I hope you won't mind if I head back to my motel now? I am overdue for some sleep."

"No."

They parted.

Jasper Sitwell looked at his watch. It was well past 7 AM.

The IHOP behind him was now back open. He looked around at the gravel highway that marked the long stretch of desert between Albuquerque and the Mexico border, before turning and reentering the diner, while straightening his tie.

The place was now slightly more open, with more patrons ordering breakfast at the booths — and a familiar man at the same exact table from last night, now helping himself to a stack of pancakes. Coulson still had those bags under his eyes, but he beamed at Sitwell as he sat back down in front of him.

"You were right. These pancakes are good." He reached out and grabbed a serviette.

"Glad to hear," Sitwell said, uninterested. "How did it go?"

"Mission accomplished," Coulson said, with a twinkle in his eye. "The Abomination remains in its cage. And if we're lucky, it'll remain there... there is apparently someone else I'm hearing about in the news who's in support for its release. Someone with close ties to the soldier that Blonsky once was; but she shouldn't be a concern."

"Interesting," Sitwell narrowed his eyes. "And the Consultant?"

"Outdid himself. Ross got so mad, he tried to have him removed from the bar. Stark responded by buying the place. It's scheduled for renovation next Thursday."

Sitwell sniggered. He was not surprised to hear this — it, of course, would have been a foregone conclusion for Tony Stark. He was always determined as they were. That warranted a lot of admiration to consider for the future.

"Stark says I now owe him a drink," Coulson finished, chewing. "That sly bastard. He owes a damn bar now, he can get one himself."

"So that's done, then. And what about the Hulk?" Sitwell asked. "I suppose the WSC will have to change their minds?"

Coulson rolled his eyes. "They're open to it. Stark said he is going to try and convince them to enlist Bruce Banner for consideration, and neither me nor Fury are going to stop him."

"Will it… be hard to do that? The Hulk wasn't so different from the Abomination, wasn't it?"

"Hmm. Banner is an interesting case," Coulson replied thoughtfully. "From what Betty is saying, he made the choice to stop the creature himself, taking initiative. He has a lot of problems, but he seems to have found something to work with in the midst of them… and that, I would say, is pretty heroic. Besides, the man who controls him seems like someone worth working with."

Duly noted, thought Sitwell. Something to keep in mind.

"So with all that done with," he said slowly. "It does seem like the Avengers are now a definite possibility. Are they?"

Coulson chuckled. He put down his knife and fork, and looked out of the window wistfully.

"You know: if you had asked me that several years ago when Fury came up with the idea originally, I honestly would have said no. It did seem like a strange idea then, and we had only an inkling of a reason for it — I mean, that's how it felt when it came to me." He gestured to himself. "But… the more I see in this job, the more we see…"

He raised an eyebrow at Sitwell. "The more I start to understand why he felt it was necessary. And it did start with an idea — but it was only in recent years that he decided to fully commit to it."

I definitely could notice a change, Sitwell remembered. It must have been when he became more secretive. When he started locking up his own office, at least as far as I've heard others say… or maybe when something happened to his eye…

A lot of curiosities there. I need to know more about them — but it seems like Coulson will not have the answers.

"When you say that you saw what he saw… what do you mean by that?"

Coulson's face remained still.

"We saw a small glimpse of it already," he just said. "Back in June. But —" he sighed. "There's more to it than that. Just in general in the last few years, I've noticed that something has… changed. Not just in Fury, but in the world around us — more strange things happening every day, more things that we've needed to cover up."

"But… it can't last."

"No," Coulson agreed. "Everyone's already been scared shitless by what happened in Harlem. Once they see what else is happening… everything as we know it is fundamentally going to change. It's like I said yesterday: there's always something else at the top."

Wise words to live by, thought Sitwell rebelliously.

"I'm kind of excited about it," he said. "A new world order. Something new for us — something different."

"Really?" Coulson stabbed a fork into his pancakes. "I guess it may be. But be careful what you wish for."

"Don't worry, it's not much," Sitwell said mysteriously. "And as long as SHIELD is in charge, there will always be some sense of normalcy. We just have to seize every opportunity we can."

Coulson frowned. He looked at Sitwell with confusion. But Sitwell remained impassive, turning to the aisle to wait for a server to come up, so that he could order.

"Once we've finished here," he just said. "We'll head back to base."

Sitwell looked out of the window, against from Coulson. It is a beautiful day, he thought happily. And he grinned — one of those smiles that predated long-due retribution.

I can't wait to see what the future holds.

———————————————

Hopefully, you after reading this entire one-shot:

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If you liked this, please let me know both here on Tumblr and/or AO3! It would really make my day. :)

#ao3 #fanfic #fanfiction #mcu fanfiction #marvel cinematic universe #the consultant #phil coulson #jasper sitwell #tony stark

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