#the exercise isnt even the worst part

[caffeinatedopossum]

The workout I've been managing to do the last three times takes me about 20 minutes and I'm honestly really happy that I can complete that because that's a lot for me.

I think my next goal is going to be to do that workout twice a day so I'll get a total of 40 minutes everyday which brings me infinitely closer to my 1 hour a day goal :D

I'll still have to see how it effects my body though because even with the amount of trial and error I've already been going through for years to find out what exercises I can and can't do with my ehlers danlos, it's still really unclear to me what's hurting me and what's helping

#im focusing on ab workouts with minimal range of motion atm #because that strengthens my core which should theoretically strengthen/stabilize everything else in turn #since your core is your core its like the focal point of stability. probably more so your back than your abs #but im hoping my back gets strong enough to do back exercises along the way (it isnt right now 😅) #i think the biggest problems im facing right now are 1) muscle spasms after i exercise #2) injury during exercise (its VERY hard for me to control and im not even sure what specific injuries are happening) #im not conscious of how everything in my body feels- only the worst 2 or 3 sensations get through to my awareness- #so if something is hurting me i often dont know. and because of that i also dont know what pain means STOP and what doesnt #theres also my problems with balance and proprioception so like. even if i do know a movement is wrong and know where i need to adjust to #(which is rare but still) i often hurt myself trying to fix it because i dont know where my body parts are essentially #its a real pain in the ass (or a pain in my legs. lol kinda hard to tell) #theres was a third problem too but i forgot 😅 ill probably talk about it later when i remember

[skadream]

happy ummm 8th month on t? (9th if i were actually on t continuously but i ran out for a month that one time) i used to do monthly t updates on tiktok but i dont rlly feel like doing that rn so i'll yap about it here (its actually wild how little stuff i have about my transition on my tumblr generally speaking? as if this isnt the website that transed my gender in the first place)

it really is hard to notice such gradual changes from month to month, especially if its just me lookin at myself, compared to seeing a doctor in person which, i am getting rx'd T thru telehealth currently as my nearest planned parenthood or even a neighboring one does not actually do gender affirming care which is. insane and whack. esp when i do live in a pretty populated county maybe second or third to nyc and albany area. and i have to call in to a pp THREE HOURS BY TRANSIT from me. but like, its been working for now ok!

mentally and emotionally ive been very up and down overall but i think thats largely due to my medication changes rather than hormones. ALTHOUGH. when i ran out for a month in november and my period came back... dude it was so horrible like genuinely the worst period of my life. its one of those things where i didnt realize just how dysphoric something could make me feel until i had a taste of being able to alleviate said dysphoria. so mentally speaking testosterone is probably pulling the mental train even more than the wellbutrin lol. and im trying not to account too much for circumstance/environment cuz like OBVIOUSLY if things were going smoothly for me there a lot of my emotional issues would be at least somewhat relieved, but im working with what i got.

physically, since starting t in july i have lost weight. at first i was very scared it was my medication, and i think a part of it was at least a little, like two of my meds can cause some weight loss, but i am no longer losing weight in a concerning way but just yknow the regular amount of daily fluctuation. so i do think a lot of my weight loss was due to hormones just shifting around my fat and all that, or something idk lol. everyones so diff with hormones, i know some trans guys gain weight on t and not necessarily from muscle training, i know girls on e who have lost weight without any changes to diet or exercise, it really depends so as always, this is just my experience etc etc

i do have more facial hair but its still quite patchy, i think i might start filling in my stache tho. with my shitty goatee, its not my fav so i shave it off when im not just sitting inside all day, but also idk it makes my chin feel less. round. or smth. i do always think of my one friend telling me ill look like the lead singer of a nü metal band and honestly maybe i should start giving that energy more anyway! embrace goatee lifestyle!

oh yeah my voice dropped in like the first two months and has gotten deeper since, and on timtom i talked a lot about wanting to maintain the vocal range i had pre-t? i dont think thats fully possible like i think the highest notes i used to reach are just inaccessible to me, but i think if i did some like vocal singing warmups i can get back up to reach those higher notes. in retrospect the way ive sung my whole life has actually prob been destructive on my voice, partly from lack of proper training and partly intentionally trying to sound deeper and more gravelly, but now that i can access deeper sounds more naturally i really do wanna work on singing in a better way where i can reach some of those notes.

overall yea im liking whats happening so far, i do wish it was happening faster but i understand that some people dont get the progress ive gotten for like, YEARS, and new progressions will be happening to me for years after today. if you think about "real" puberty, it is a gradual shift its not like you suddenly grow a chest as soon as you Bleed or whatever its different for literally every person and since im the only one in my family that i know of who has done this, im kind of a guinea pig. but like im okay with that! anyway yeah really recommrnd testosterone if u want it i like it :)

[tcypionate]

also it is fucked up how basic state insurance made it to where in order for my surgery to be required as necessary and able to be paid for through it, it had to be at a degree in which ill never get better from. if they would've covered a back brace and constant check ups when they first caught it, i wouldn't be having to deal with my hips being at such an extreme angle my thigh tries to pop out of socket if i step down too hard at the wrong angle. a nerve in my shoulder gets pinched occasionally where i lose all feeling in my arm. i am in constant pain and even through physical therapy and constant exercise i can only do the bare minimum every day. this is the best outcome for my situation, too. my surgeon has tried to come up with ideas for how to make it better but there really isnt anything to be done other than physical therapy at this point. and the worst part is that this is monumentally better than before my surgery

#sorry for disability ranting im just. tired #like i think constantly of how many people who have been disabled through forced medical neglect like me #vent

[seinfieldyaoi]

Having a good social life would alleviate my sadness and my exhaustion and the fact that I often see no purpose in living or waking up or going on social media or drawing or doing pretty much anything. Having close friends that I can have genuine conversations with daily would help me immensely. Too bad it'll never happen because for some reason I am doing something wrong by existing and nobody wants to interact with me because of it, I'm doing something wrong by trying to talk to people, I'm doing something wrong by initiating conversation and asking people questions and trying to make them feel welcome in my presence, enough to crave interaction with me, talking or hanging out or just being around one another for elongated periods of time. I follow almost all of the advice I am given on how to make friends: make it all about them, relate to them, initiate the interaction, be happy and smile, listen to every word they say. But it still disgusts them? The advice that they gave me and give to others disgusts them when I put it into action? People tell me to just talk to people and that it's not that hard-it is that hard for me. The funny part is that I don't even know why it's hard. I don't try to make it hard. I dont not try to talk to people. Thats not the issue. Whenever I try to talk to someone, they get uncomfortable around me instantaneously, even when I put on a smile and a happy voice, make jokes and make the conversation about them and their life, be empathetic with them. I dont know how else to do it. Nobody taught me. I was supposed to be naturally able to make friends, but now that I know that I can't, I know this world isn't built for me. I can't even make friendships with the people who are bad at making friends, too. It's something in my demeanor, in the questions I ask or the way I talk, that makes people not want to be around me. The worst part is that I'm the only one who can't see it. Anyone who watches me talk about how I lack friends and social enrichment doesn't think it goes that deep. They think it's a fatuous complaint about something that isn't true and that I will get over, that really isnt that big of a deal. It goes deeper than I can express. It pummels through my mind and makes it a mental Mariana Trench. The lack of socialization that I exhibit is the sole reason for why I crave sleep every second of the day, why I swim in and out of fits asking myself what the point of my entire life is, why life has become so banal and overcasted for me. It is the golden glow of perfection that I cannot touch. It is the worldly temptation I cannot sink my teeth into; its skin is too tough. And I'll rant about this all day, I can shout at the top of my lungs till the sun rises and falls and the day completes full cycle, but at the end of my bloodcurdling announcements life will go on the way it was. People will talk to the people they like, the people they love, they just won't be me. People will read my lengthy, dolorous monologues about how I'm so lonely and how I'm spiraling and losing my sense of self because of it, but they'll move on almost immediately, as soon as another attention grabber seizes them and I am left to be nothing but words they read on a screen hours or days or weeks ago, that they wouldn't recall unless someone asked them about it. And I'll continue on with my life. I will continue living. I will continue waking up, writing, learning Spanish, scrolling aimlessly, doing drivers ed, driving around town on the same backroads, doing the dishes, posture exercises, drawing, listening to music and fantasizing about a life out of reach, the universe's taunt sent through my own neurons; I'll continue living with this sagging, moldy tumor puckering at the back of my brain, uncurable by even the most intricate and renowned of treatments. It will continue to haunt me and bleed out through the form of text on a screen on an app that will never be thoroughly acknowledged. I will continue living with everything in sync save my socialization habits. I have no other choice.

[tinylittlebab]

hmm. today was a bad day in terms of cals. somehow managed exactly 1200. im very upset with this but it just kinda happened when i was hanging out with my sister. worst part is that my body is still hungry for some reason. thats like so many calories it should be enough.

well. i did exercise some today. less than i wouldve hoped but whatever. i got a good hour n a half in which isnt that bad.

well i at least got to actually do something with my sister today even if it was just watch a show. but its better than our usual sit there for 6 hours and do absolutely nothing.

i had hoped to actually talk to her some today but it didnt really happen. we talked aome but it was only small tidbits and her complaining abt a coworker. idk. i really need to talk about some stuff but maybe some other time. didnt get the cleaning id hope to do done either. i think it was good for her to just watch a show all day though. its not that urgent so its ok.

im unhappy with 1200 but like. its not that bad and theres nothing i can do about it now so ill just have to move on. tomorrow really should be an exercise day so whatever. 1200 is my bmr and below my tdee even without the extra exercise so ill definitely still lose a tiny bit. just wish i wouldve been more.

wasnt as active in my calorie counting as usual bc i was with my sister. oh well

[arabpiner]

Panda push up gif

Panda push up gif free#

I certainly dont begrudge people for not following the scene close enough to know whats new tech and what isnt. Its cool that it made so many people aware of the style and techniques tho. Paperman was around for the better part of a decade, so the tech and knowhow was all sitting there and multiple studios picked it up before Spiderverse. The truth is that the entertainment market is always looking for something visually unique to move to next, and this look was going to be arrived at regardless of Spiderverse specifically. They even made a pilot that looked exactly like the end product, years before the show came out. 1750 2510 2570 2850 SYoga Push Up Bra Gym Fitness Women For Fitness Top Sports Bra Cr. Arcane in particular started development before Spiderverse, and largely used techniques that had already been used in their game trailers. Magnet Refrigerator Sticker Soft Plush Panda Fridge Festival Gif. There were a number of projects that were in development at the same time as Spiderverse that used similar styles, Spiderverse was just the highest profile/first one to come out. Gifs that inspire us by showing some daily life situations or reflect funny. Spiderverse is a wonderful movie, but if it was actually trailblazing in this manner we wouldn't be seeing as much of this kind of animation as soon as we are. …whenever my boss gives me a new project to work on.This is the long and short of it. A woman tries to do push-ups with her feet on a counter and hands on an oven in a kitchen but the oven door breaks under the pressure and she falls to the. …after watching the season 3 finale of Downton Abbey. And if anyone says “Nuh uh, what about Blake Griffin dunking over that car” I will drop kick you. NO SERIOUSLY, IT’S AN ACTUAL POSTER, OF HIMSELF! How beautiful, and hands down the best use of a prop in the slam dunk contest. local modem settings) and then push enter Accepted Answer The convention. Posterizes…HIMSELF! Literally and figuratively. As a writer and image editor for Bored Panda, Giedr crafts posts on many different topics to push them to their potential. You can work up the main piece quickly then add some striped borders and work. …when you said you were going to work out every day? How’s that coming? When asked what happened, Keys replied that she missed it on purpose so she wouldn’t have to play in the WNBA.

Panda push up gif free#

…then you may have witnessed the worst free throw of all time when junior Shanteona Keys attempted this atrocity. 13.9k Likes, 444 Comments - Panda Vibes (pandavibes) on Instagram: Tag your best friend. IF YOU’RE A GEORGIA COLLEGE WOMEN’S BASKETBALL FAN… “NOW COME, WE DO EXERCISE BEFORE WE WAIT IN SOUP LINE.” “Thing like this happen in my village every week.” – all Russians “AYE COMRADE, COMET IS ONLY SMALL ROCK FROM SPACE” And by “misplaced” I really mean “it’s probably in your Whopper Junior.”īadminton is still an Olympic sport and NOT wrestling. So I guess an additional “sorry” goes out to Harlem as well, but they might tell you different. …but the Peanuts gang did the original Harlem Shake. This week TGIF features the original Harlem Shake, the worst free throw in the history of basketball, Burger King and Dikembe Mutombo! Want to see a Russian guy do some no-handed push-ups? It’s TGIF – Thank GIF It’s Friday! The best GIFs of the week for February 22nd, 2013.

#Panda push up gif

[metalheadsforblacklivesmatter]

TW ableism, body shaming, fatphobia, gaslighting mention, accusing someone of faking stuff and manipulation ///////////

I appreciate the post you made not too long ago about peoples disability being "enough" (idk if the quotes are correct to put, I put them there because all disabilities are valid and putting "disability" and "enough" in the same sentence isnt a gr8 thing Hdhdjhdkd)

But yeah, I need to get rid of my internalized ableism as well, it also comes from trauma and although I validate others disabilities no matter what, what I say about my own can reflect onto others, and I'd hate for that to effect (affect???) people.

I had a horrible friend group once who gaslit me into thinking i was faking my fibromyalgia for attention/using it as an excuse to be lazy and fat (I'm very much fat but LOL fuck them.) Or using my brain fog and pain as an excuse to be a shitty person and such. I developed a horrible case of imposter syndrome bc I believe it all, it sucks. I feel like a manipulative, compulsive liar that only uses people and that my disability really is made up and all in my head (they especially say that about fibromyalgia) and they said I'm just obsolete and that's why I'm in pain.

It's strange because, why would you make me feel bad about being obese if I was obese? Why is being big so frowned upon?? Why is it that thin people get cared for WAY more easily compared to bigger people who are suffering? (But btw, to clarify, body shaming is horrible, and I'm not denying that thin people suffer too, I hate that society is horrid towards anyone)

SORRY JUST RAMBLING TO YOU ALL HOPE YOU DONT MIND I JUST FELT VALIDATED BY THAT AND I APPRECIATE IT.

Correct me on anything I've said please!

(Agreeing with you)

It's really dumb because fatphobia is rooted in being unhealthy. The whole idea behind being an ass to fat people is because "it's unhealthy".

The fact that fat isn't an indicator of health aside.

They're literally putting someone's value in their health.

They're literally looking at fat people and saying "you have less value because you're unhealthy".

What are us disabled people supposed to say/ think when we see this fatphobic society pointing at fat people and calling them less than because they're unhealthy?

Not to mention, a lot of people are fat because of their disability, but the opposite is also true. A lot of disabled people are skinny because of their disability. At my worst I couldn't hold down food for days on end because of my migraines. DAYS without eating. I wasn't just skinny, I was hella out of shape because I couldn't exercise because I couldn't move because I couldn't eat.

I'm not trying to compare my experience to yours. Obviously fat disabled people get more shit from doctors and society because they're fat.

But since the vomiting was the worst symptom for my, I felt like ignoring my weight because I was skinny was equivalent to ignoring the worst part about my disability.

I also just feel gaslit by society because everyone calls migraines a headache disorder, when it's a neurological disorder where headaches aren't even the most common or the most severe symptom. A lot of my internalized abelism was people calling migraines "just a headache" and it took me years to realize and accept that the headache wasn't even the worst part. Depending on the severity, I could deal with just the headache. The WORST part is the vomiting, vertigo, and the fatigue for days after.

One migraine was so bad I had a bruise down my back for 2 weeks after because I fell on my desk trying to get my meds, and I ended up crawling to my meds.

(That doesn't include the memory issues because that's a whole nother post.)

-fae

#tw fatphobia #fatphobia #abelism #tw abelism

[josy1986]

Pitch Perfect: Period Pains part two finished

Finally finshed the second part, this time Chloe is on the receiving end of terror week.

@rejection-isnt-failure @pitchslapped  @justis14 @dirtymercury @rezzivl @unlikelysublimenightmare @perfectlyimperfectpitch 

Two weeks passed since Beca’s misjudgement of her periods, not that she complained. She ended up with Chloe, in her bed and all snuggled up. They pretty much stayed like that the remainder of the weekend. Chloe being the kind and caring person that she is, she didn’t want Beca to be alone until she was sure that the worst of the cramps were gone. So the redhead stayed with her friend for the entire weekend. The fact they both lived in the Bellas house made it all the much easier.

Beca smiled at the memory of Chloe caressing her hair. It was a genuine smile, one that only Chloe seemed to be able to pull from the brunette no matter what state of mind she was in.

Beca never considered herself to be touchy feely with anyone but Chloe was an exception to that rule. The only exception, if she was honest with herself and she knew damn well why.

Her stupid crush started not long after she met the redhead. The fact Chloe had almost kissed her, and shit, Beca would have totally let her do it too… during aca-initiation night. Chloe paying her a visit in the shower didn’t help much either. Quite the opposite even.

More than once did Beca dream about that shower scene but it would have ended in a much different, if not very pleasant way. The brunette always woke up in a more than uncomfortable state. She’d be panting as if she'd finally done those cardio exercises that Aubrey used to be nagging about. After she’d managed to get her heart back under control, she was faced with the second and third part of her dreams. Her completely soaked panties and the hollow feeling in her heart. Chloe didn’t think of Beca that way, or at least that’s what she kept telling herself.

Today had been one of those days where Beca woke up in such a state. Panting like she ran a marathon and in need of new underwear. After taking a shower, alone, she tried to push the remainder of the dream away by focussing on her music in her room, dressed in sweatpants and a hoodie.

Some hours later, her stomach announced that it was time to eat and the DJ made her way downstairs to feed the beast.

While she walked through the hallway to the kitchen, she heard a soft whine coming from the living room. Beca frowned and walked there instead, finding her friend and secret crush on the couch, all curled up.

“Cho?” Beca completely forgot the nagging hunger and quickly moved around the couch. “What’s the matter? Are you hurt?”

Chloe didn’t look at Beca at first, the poor woman had her arms wrapped around her legs which were firmly pressed against her chest. She took a shuddering breath before she could finally answer. “It’s my turn… this time…” She said weakly, a pained smile on her lips.

Beca immediately understood what was going on, placing a sympathetic hand on her friends shoulder. “Did you take any medication yet?” She asked and Chloe shook her head.

“I came home… and I just couldn’t walk up the stairs.” There was so much pain in her voice it made Beca’s heart ache. 

“Alright… I’ll help you upstairs, come on, hold onto me.” She said and after a couple of seconds, Chloe did just that.

She whimpered in pain when she got back on her feet, now standing up with one arm around Beca’s shoulders for support, the other wrapped around her own lower body. “Oh god… it hurts…” She cried and Beca could tell that Chloe wanted to curl back into a ball.

Continue reading at the links below! Dont forget to comment!

https://archiveofourown.org/works/28674369/chapters/71023368

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13791687/6/Pitch-Perfect-Bechloe-moments-and-more

#Bechloe #Beca and Chloe #Beca Mitchel #Chloe Beale #Fanfiction #Pitch Perfect AU #fluffy #cute and fluffy #my art

[prompt-master]

(dd!byakuya anon) do u have any hcs for how the trauma of the killing games manifests in the survivors? im curious

UUUUUUUUyes i doO

Naegi Makoto:

I know you said the killing game but I'm gonna also count dr3 in here as that was another killing game. Naegi experiences despair episodes that can be set off by his trauma. Naegi also feels unconfortable showering by himself, if he has to he'd rather take a bath. Naegi also, proven by dr3, holds the weight of every single death from the killing game as if he could have prevented all of them. Maizono seems to hurt him the most, and her voice probably haunts him in his dreams. Canonically Naegi used to watch her on tv in middle school, so i think he'll have nightmares where he'll hear her show but when he runs over to watch its a gorey sight. I think because of the exceution Naegi would also have trauma relating to loud banging noises.

Kirigiri Kyoko:

she no longer likes presents in boxes like the one her father was in. She struggles a lot with the guilt of asking Naegi to sacrifice himself for her. She knows he forgave her but...it still feels wrong. She's rather attached to Naegi now, in her own Kirigiri way. She's the best at hiding her trauma from the game, but you better believe she feels her heart pick up speed at the memories of the body discovery announcement. Shes also become more attached to her gloves and detective side.

Togami Byakuya:

Probably the least affected by the whole ordeal because he purposefully refused to bond with anyone for that very reason. However post game he certaintly did bond with all of the survivors which means he's become protective of them all. He feels like he has some sort of duty to them, and does everything in his power to make sure everyone is safe and has a job. The memories of the killing game make him feel disgusted, but he also feels very smug that they all defeated Enoshima.

Fukawa Toko:

Fukawa did bond with the other survivors, and they all care about her and consider her their friend (yes, even Togami, i think udg proves this), but with the memories of the killing game fresh on her mind plus the trauma from the past she pushes them all away. Its a bad habit she has. She even tries to do this with Komaru. Its hard for her to overcome. She tries to simply not think about the killing as the memories can be really overwhelming. She copes by writing a biography of the events, hoping to let the future generations know exactly how she felt. Her fear of the dark has only worsened. She'll also very quickly believe that someone is willing to kill her.

Hagakure Yasuhiro:

Jumpy jumpy jumpy. He feels the need to always be around at leadt one survivor whenever he can. Its really....hard to just...trust anyone else? They've been through the worst part of their lives together, there's no seperating them now. But the outside world isnt like that. Theyve been baking in despair this entire time, whk knows what they could do? Hes a shaky guy, but he tries to overcome it through laughing and having fun. He definetly laughs awkwardly when talking about trauma.

Asahina Aoi:

Cries herself to sleep still. So many nightmares. She'll have a lot of sad thoughts throughout the day wishing that Ogami could be there to live with her. She wants to get back into exercise and swimming but pools aren't priority in rebuilding the world and the water is containmented. She has a bit of an eating to cope problem, and will tend to go to someone else in the middle of the night when shes feeling bad so she can sleep with them.

All of the above:

I think all the survivors also have trauma relating to the iconic monokuma laugh. I also noticed they all also have a small reaction to the name Enoshima Junko, likely making them feel instant dread. Playing reruns of the broadcast could set any and all of them off. All the survivors also had to get used to time again. They became entirely dependant on the morning and night announcements, so even after the game they would wake up at 7 am, and go to sleep at 10 pm. Every time, until they got used to something else. They also all have a habit of making sure their door is locked. And finally the survivors feel a need to meet up for breakfast as much as possible, they have a weekly set meeting and if someoe doesnt show without warning they all get worried af. Not to mention how all of them refused to step foot back into HPA after escapeing.

All the survivors also prefer to sleep close to each other, at first piled up in the same bed or two, then slowly becoming the same apartment/dorm complex. All the survivors (sans Naegi) also have major trust issues with anyone who isn't one of them. For Togami and Kirigiri they really direct this distrust at the FF

#ask #danganronpa #headcanons #makoto naegi #byakuya togami #kyoko kirigiri #aoi asahina #yasuhiro hagakure #toko fukawa #this was a really rwally really good ask. i hope you liked me answer?

[aro-culture-is]

hi!! um this isnt really an aro culture post, but my girlfriend recently came out to me as aro spec and of course im very supportive but i am a little confused about how she can love me and be aromantic?? so do you happen to know of any sources where i could learn more about it? sorry to bother you!!

hi! this is totally no problem.

so personally, the number one thing I can say is that it is absolutely okay to ask your gf how she experiences love towards you. as an aro who has dated before, i really loved being around my now ex-gf (we didn’t work out due to a variety of reasons, but more due to her assuming I would endlessly forgive her when she crossed lines we agreed on, and me exercising my right to say uh no, actually, that’s kinda immature). while I couldn’t call my love romantic, I felt like she was still a fantastic person to be around and that she was my best friend.

some tips for asking, but recall I don’t know you, so please excuse me if any of this feels like i’m assuming the worst:

make sure that you feel prepared to initiate a feelings heavy conversation

that could mean doing boxed breathing, a grounding exercise, or something else for you

feel free to express if her being aromantic has left you feeling uncertain, but please be cautious about coming across as accusatory. you are allowed to express your feelings, but keep in mind that she cares for you so much that she is dating you even though she traditionally “shouldn’t”

try to really listen and ask questions as you need. you are allowed to process this at your own pace

whatever your feelings are afterwards, trust that she knows her own feelings, and that she is trying to communicate them to you as best as she can.

from there, a tip based on some things my ex-gf did that uh, contributed to the ex part of that: if you think that maybe she does feel something romantic? you aren’t the expert on her feelings.

you can say if you don’t understand how it is different, but understand that she’s probably going to struggle to provide an answer you will click with, and that she probably would love a good answer to that question too. it’s very common for aro people to initially identify as pan or bi because we assume equal attraction to everyone means that vs no romantic attraction, and figuring out the distinction is usually messy and hard.

all in all, I highly recommend talking to her, listening, and understanding that even if you don’t click with her explanation, she still is choosing to be with you. if you think about how rare it is that someone would love their friend so much that they would willingly sign up to see if they can spend their life with them? that is the sort of love you’ve encountered. someone who cares for you so much, that even without the classic feeling of attraction, they think you are so wonderful to be around that that doesn’t matter.

i hope this helps!

#aro #aromantic #actually aro #actually aromantic #ask #advice #if you were wondering the assuming i must not be aro involved talking to others behind my back about such #and that was the final straw #but she also cheated on me and a close friend #because despite knowing better she didn't ask either of us about being polyam with her #and didn't tell us about each other #among more small things that added up over time #Anonymous #mod kee

[ironrose-stylistlegion]

responding to some of the free-write answers to the last question on the quiz

you are a genius. also i know nothing about the zodiac killer in real life, and i just realized i have no idea why he's even called the zodiac killer? i hope i never learn & i always just know deep in my heart that it's toto.

are you sure that that's really your girlfriend and not a talking cat in a yellow trenchcoat?

i am very sorry for giving you elementary school flashbacks. those are one of my worst types of flashbacks, right next to flashbacks about the time in high school i led a group of 4th graders in an exercise ball dance routine to Party in The USA at 8:30am

was your cat holding grilled fish at the time?

yes. next question

yes. next question

and yet you did it all the way to the end... we're not so different, you and i...

i hope that you are okay after falling down the stairs and also after being in middle school. i also think this is in response to the weird things that happened to me in high school, which i love. please tell me weird school stories, they're great

yeah my only feelings about louie are "boring and painfully heterosexual". lunar's backstory about the human blood swords > lunar's backstory about some boy

i have good news for you: look forward to a bunch of lore hell events coming up that are out of order, ahead of where we are at in the story, and make next to no sense! most of us don't know whats going on at any point either, if it makes you feel better

this is just like Barbie In the Princess and the Pauper, except instead of looking the same, we both had a wide array of weird and potentially dangerous teachers

somehow i have never heard this before. it was deeply uncomfortable. 10/10

you're right. i know the basics of the plot but sometimes i read posts on here about like, deep lore. like someone is like "oh the part where the dragon ate ozeca and she saw the dead spirit of her mother and they discussed the evils of communism, which is why she follows nidhogg who always calls himself a capitalist (nikki doesnt see it because it isnt important to her story)" & im like... where did i miss this. where was this at in the story. how do you know this.

i respect ppl who know a lot about the lore, and i also fear them. it's a healthy balance.

looks like we've got a bad egg right here HAHAHAHAHHAHASHGXHHWJDSOK

am i being hexed right now

okay not to sound like an absolute stalker but i think i know who this is because you used the same name as a prevelant LN fic writer on Ao3. if you are the person i think you are, i have one response to this, one LN fic writer to another: am i the only one who skips overthe story and just plays the dress up part 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

but no but i hope you liked the outcome.

and also yes i really do have multiple LN fics posted on AO3

-me, choosing shade's faction every time to "get the newest suit"

this is very sweet!! thank you. <3

i would genuinely love to hear why you think a bear-wasp would be the most lethal. i think that it would be a pretty even fight between the bear-wasp, cheetah-scorpion, and hippo-butterfly. the hippo by itself is a powerful animal, and i think the ability to fly would make it a dangerous fighter. it could just land on the bear-wasp or cheetah-scorpion and crush it. BUT, the cheetah could outrun a hippo-butterfly's clumsy movements. which brings me to my next point: the amount of venom that either a bear-wasp or a cheetah-scorpion could be debated because it was never clarified in the quiz. if they have the amount of venom that a normal scorpion/wasp has, would that be enough to take down the other ones? there's also the question of how it would work anatomically-- with the hippo-butterfly, you know it's just a hippo with wings. but how would the stingers work on a bear-wasp and a cheetah-scorpion? where would they be at? if they're scaled up to fit the size of a bear/cheetah, could they use them as a knife of some sort? these are the questions we must ask ourselves.

also, since most people clicked the answer about my teacher who told us we were pathetic, heres some more facts about him:

1. i was in his homebase. he created an elaborate yahtzee tournament with brackets and everything that he made us do every morning, no exceptions. if we asked to do homework he got very upset.

2. every day he had a box of Hot Tamales that he ate by the handful as we worked silently

3. once, he brought his puppy to work. he wasnt allowed to have his dog, so every time he thought someone was going to walk in, he hid the dog in the closet

4. he left the school after 1 year of teaching and became a priest at a nearby church full-time. as far as i know, he's still a priest AND he has a really long wizard-like beard. which just goes to show you: follow your dreams, and don't settle as a math teacher if it's not your passion and also you hate bathroom breaks.

#i did finish my essay. it was about how to effectively mass hire employees to grow a business rapidly #because sadly i am a business major #long post

[plusultra-fallen]

Unappreciated - part three

Y/n left the library with a sigh of defeat, looking over their shoulder to glimpse at the building as they walked away.

Trudging down the cobblestone path that lead to their dorms, they notices a tuft of spikey blonde hair poking out from behind a tree to them left. They continues walking for 4 steps before suddenly halting.

“Wait... what?”, they mutter before bringing closed fist up to rub at their eyes, making sure what they were seeing wasn’t some sort of over caffeinated, stress induced hallucination. But when they cease their rubbing, the tuft is still there, almost completely concealed in the foliage. “Is- is that a person? Oh god are they okay? Is it a dead body? Please don’t be a dead body”

Taking tentive steps forward, Begging the universe for it to not be a dead body under their breath, they neared the tree where the hair resided.Straining their neck to see around the bend of trunk without themselves being seen was a very difficult task, but years of shyness had trained you for this.

The sight that met their eyes was unexpected at best and absolutely horrifying at worst.

“Bakugo?” They called out quietly, voice barely above a whisper. “What’s wrong?”

The normally gruff and intimidating boy was hiding behind the tree, head in his hands, and knees pulled up to his chest in a tight ball. He looked so... small.

At the sound of their voice, the blonde jumped in surprise and then stiffened after recognizing y/n.

Eyes narrowing, he bared his teeth at the intrusion, “how did you fucking find me?” He growled. The anger radiating off of him was almost tangiable. “What do you want you annoying piece of shit?”, he barked, giving y/n no time to answer his first question.

Y/n swallowed the extremely large lump that had just appeared in their throat. “I...” they paused and took a breath, steadying themselves mentally. “I was on my way home from the library. My dorms right over there.” They turned and pointed towards their building that was barely visible through the trees and bushes that surrounded the two.

“I saw your hair from the walkway and got worried that someone was hurt... or something,” they trailed off.

“What do you mean by ‘oh something’” he questioned, tone accusatory and body language hostile even though he was still seated in the roots and earth.

“A... I thought it might be a... a dead body?” They stammered, voice rising to make their statement sound like a question.

He scoffed, but his body relaxed, leaning back against the tree and closing his eyes with a sigh. After a few moments he cracked one eye open and turned his head to look at y/n, making eye contact.

“What are you still doing here?” He questioned, voice still hostile but not filled with the intimidating rage that it had a few minutes earlier.

“I, uh, I’m just wondering if you’re okay. Hiding behind a tree isnt something I’d peg as normal for you.

He scoffed once again, “ I’m not hiding. I’m Ground Zero, future number one hero, I don’t hide.”

Oh y/n thought to themselves, “then why are you behind this tree?”

He glared at the question and asker from under hooded eyelids. “Because I want to,” he stated matter-of-factly, leaving no room for doubt, or so he thought.

“Well okay,” y/n relented, “when ever I feel panic, or get scared, no matter the cause, I do this thing called the five senses exercise. I empty my mind as much as I can, and then find 5 things I can see, 4 things I can touch, 3 things I can hear, 2 things I can smell, and 1 thing I can taste. I keep doing it over and over again, finding new things until my panic is forgotten or calms down some.” Y/n glanced at Bakugo, who was very intently staring at the dirt infront of him.

“Oh sorry haha, I was just thinking out loud. That wasn’t ment for you. Anyways, have fun with your tree Bakugo.” Y/n then turned on their heel and continued to make their way to the dorm building, determined to change out of jeans and into comfy pajama pants.

As they were putting on the fuzzy article of clothing, their phone dinged, and lit up.

A smile warmed their cheeks.

CollegeAU! Bakugo x reader

previous - masterlist - next 

This is gn!reader by the way, I’m new to writing gn so I may slip up a few times, but I’ll do my best to fix every mistake :)

Summary: Y/n is Bakugo’s seat mate in their intro to criminology course, who he finds annoying, overly sensitive, and thinks their an airhead who didn’t focus on anything. Yet he himself was not focusing on what was in front of him, and by the time he does, he finds the ugly crown of regret rearing its head.

a/n: I’m not super happy with how the break from the text message story to written story worked but practice makes better so I’ll be looking forwards to the future. also it took me an hour to first figure out how to do the links to stuff, mostly because i refuse to look up how to do anything haha

#bnha bakugou #bakugo #bakugou x y/n #bakugo/reader #bnha katsuki x reader #katsuki #mha katsuki #mha #mha smau #mha bakugou #smau #mha x reader #x reader #katsuki bakugo x reader

[hangingfromchandeliers]

hey sanne i hope youre doing well! i saw ur post abt u finishing an entire book in a day (congrats btw) and i was wondering if u have any tips on how to improve ur reading stamina? like is there more to it than just reading consistently? because im currently at the 10 pages per day stage and id like to finish dracula by the end of this year cjdjdjdkdk (if u dont have any tips thats fine too im just curious abt how u made it!) have a nice day 💗

nita 💕💕 i love youuu! thank you! i think a huge part that you cannot underestimate when it comes to reading for long stretches of time is your emotional well being. if you’re stressed and anxious it’s gonna be harder to focus so just in general taking good care of yourself (regular showers, meals, bedtimes, exercise etc) helps so much. i know that sounds a bit preachy.. but i think thats why people have this “i was a gifted kid but now im ruined and i cant do anything” mentality. of course you could read finish a book in two days as a kid because you didnt have all the worries you have now. so taking care of yourself as if you were your own parent is the first big step to being able to read more in a shorter period of time. you gotta be in the right place mentally to be able to enjoy reading

ill make a bullet point list of some more concrete tips that arent so abstract hehe

turn off your phone and computer. i swear im the worst with this if i have my phone next to me while i read i start randomly checking the time/tumblr/my emails. its okay to let your eyes wander and to put your book down for a while to just let your mind run for a bit. but for me checking my phone always disrupts my flow

read around the house. read in the living room/the kitchen/while you’re taking a bath. anywhere thats not your usual comfortable space where you chill on social media. for me it helps a lot to get out of my desk chair and sit on the couch downstairs. ive even read that it helps people to stand up and walk around while reading?

plan breaks, and try to do something that doesnt involve your brain during those breaks. when i finished that 500 page book in one day i took breaks to make meals, do the dishes, and to go for a walk. do something with your hands or something that involves physical exercise

read about what other people think of the book or read a short summary. this may just be me but going in completely blind doesnt always work for me. its like my brain doesnt have anything to hold onto those first 40 pages and it helps to have prior information so im familiar with the setting. i usually try to avoid spoilers but if im reading classics its not really a big deal for me.

start off with novels that are written in a vocabulary that you fully understand. you can build up to big titles as you read more often. archaic language isnt necessarily a sign of profoundness or intelligence. and if you do start with classics i suggest horror or thriller novels because they cant afford to be tedious! they gotta build tension! you’re almost always in safe hands with those

pick a set time to read. i always read before bedtime! sometimes i only get through 20 pages before i pass out but it creates a routine. and its also better for your brain not to look at your phone before you go to sleep so reading for a bit solves that for me

be proud! share your process with people! reading shouldnt be a solitary experience. post about the books you read and passages you liked and look up reviews that other people wrote. find youtube essays about your favourite books. tell other people that youve been reading more!

don’t be hard on yourself. some days its easier to read than others. some days you get distracted and you have to read the same page 3 times over, and other days its so easy its like youre having coffee with a friend and the book is telling you its story. your head cant always be fully focused so put that book down if you feel like you’re giving yourself a headache

ultimate powerful secret tip: read along with an audiobook. i do this when i NEED to read something usually for uni and i need to force myself to focus. you get all the inflections, jokes, and extra flavour added to the characters from whoever reads the audiobook that you may sometimes read over when you’re not fully focused, and you can’t zone out! because the audiobook keeps going! it helps me a lot especially when i read plays. its great too to visually see how long it will take for you to finish the book on a screen. you can always drop the audiobook halfway and just finish the book yourself if you feel like it.

#omg this turned out so damn long.. i hope there's something in this thats helpful! #i wish i was an old lady in a retirement home with you nita so we could both fawn over the young handsome gentleman #who makes us take our vitamins #youre amazing! tumblr wouldnt be the same without you #lovesickgirlz

[alicebellphagoraalbrecht]

A none fan Re-Write Idea for TLOS2 (please dont kill me)

Okay... this will be long and first things first: Im not a fan. Or an angry guy. I know the very basics of the first game and as someone who enjoyed zombies (yes yes they are infected hush hush) and gaming quite a bit I stumbled over the leaks and rumors and the absolute horrible way Naughty Dog is acting. Towards their paying, loyal, fanbase... and customers most importanlty. So I gave the plot a look. Listening to the honest player reviews and yes I fully understand the anger and the disappointment really. SPOILERS Now imagine your favorite show. You favorite character, husbando, waifu son or daughter who cares, and in the long awaited next episode, the wait was long, your fanfavorite beloved character gets killed in the least caring manner possible and overly brutal to boot wouldnt you be just the smallest bit sad or mad too? Especially if they were dumped down to even die? To a point where they are out of character? We all would be come on. And its kinda sad too, we dont get many good dad characters in general.  Anyway I looked the plot over and I think we can all agree that its boring and predictable at best and utter dogshit (how fitting) at worst. And I had a bit of a thought on how the revenge idea could still work even with a bit of focus on gender and sexuality with the girls in focus still.  This is based on a YouTubers idea too, I couldnt find him again but I still wanted to mention it. So from what I know Ellie? Has a girlfriend, which is cute they seem adorkable from the material I viewed but lets get mean. What if, keeping all the (misleading) trailers in mind, the girlfriend is the one killed. Yes I know. We dont want to end our queer peeps all the time but Ellie still counts and she is one badass after all. But we are in the endtimes, mankinds numbers have dwindled, tribes exist again, it wouldnt be farfetched to find one if not more groups of fanatical people who are anti same-sex relationships because those couples cant reproduce and “safe” the speices. And Ellie and her girlfriend (so sorry I dont remember her name and I just want to smack my idea in your faces while its fresh) in the beginning and set up hours run into one, we are introduced the the nutters, the poor girl dies and our revenge plot is on the go. Ellie tries to sneak away later and like in the trailer EndtimeDad Joel? Tells her he will go with her, like the good bloody dad he is/was and we get into the game.  Now here is one of my huge ideas for Abby. We can keep most of her backstory really, her dad dying due to Joel and all. BUT and thats a big big juicy BUT Abby is NOT the one who kills Joel. In fact they never meet. Follow me here alright? This is anti revenge right? In a bleak, everyone may die universe. So what if Joel dies, protecting Ellie during the hunt / research part of the game. He is gone and out of the way, him dying for Ellie would probably make his death more impactful than the cheap provided shock value they provided and we still get the dead dad. Ellie now alone with no one else by her side has nothing else to keep driving her forward but her revenge.  And back to Abby, Im not to sure how to properly get her gameplay in, she would still be hunting Joel so she would of course be unaware of his death. And perhaps the girls cross paths much sooner in that near cult like groups outpost (maybe they have more settlements) Abby stumbles into them and her buff appearance have her mistaken as trans and she gets captured, her captors refusing to listen to reason, showing just how insane these lunatics are at that point. And they decide to maybe kill her or fore her to breed something horrible, we dont have to shy back from that after all.  At that place I would let the girls meet actually. Ellie finding that place on her hunt for that killer of her GF and she frees Abby and some other captives maybe, they escape together with one of them maybe getting injured, they stick together for a bit and bond vengance and the search for a murder being something they have in common but it ultimately comes out that Ellie knew and was close to Joel which creates a huge rift, but also at that point Abby learns the man she has hunted is already dead. (which tbh would be half expected I mean the world isnt that easy to survive in) and we are first hit with the over all theme of the game of revenge being meaningless in the end. As Abby has to face the fact that the man had died, like anyone else. She know finds herself empty and lost, very angry too the girls fighting for sure and Ellie is presented with the lie from the first games ending. Either way she still has her goal and while we get to see her struggle with that information she will move on and the girls split up with Abby now having no meaning or goal and we might delve into some serious dark places with her mentally but she stumbles into a side plot and finds other purpose. This is were my idea slowly loses detail since I obviously dont know how to fully hammer home a good “revenge is futile” ending for Ellie, maybe its still similar to the one we got, with her giving up but perhaps she found someone else who opened her eyes as sappy and clichee as it would be, someone she might met when staking out an outpost or something DISCLAIMERS: No no Im not a salty fanbrat I promise, I feel like the game had some massive potential and just wanted to share a creative little spark I got from it.  !!! I dont think I can make or write a better story than the game developers !!! Im not saying this would have turned out better !!! THIS IS JUST FOR FUNZIES!!! Why not share your own ideas, Im sure we got some FanFic authors around here and some AU fun stories sound like a good little creative exercise, you could take any show, book, game that might have disappointed you and give it your own spin, no harm done after all. This was litereally just something that popped to my mind with the plot points I gathered 

#the last of us #the last of us 2 #tlou2 #tlou2 spoilers #tlouedit #tlourewrite #rewite #fanficidea #forfun #fun #story ideas

[coridallasmultipass]

Tmi / personal / endometriosis and menstrual issues / surgery / long post / venting ... I finally had a laparoscopic surgery done yesterday and they were able to confirm for me that i have endometriosis and it feels like a huge weight has been lifted! All my fucking life ive dealt with excruciating cramps and heavy bleeding during menstruation and i just wish i could go back in time and give a big 'fuck you' to everyone who ever told me "cramps are like this for everyone!" Or "just exercise, it helps!" Or "orgasms help with cramping!" Like hooooooh boy I knew it and im so glad to have all the cysts out of me now. I had previously tried numerous birth control options to prevent cramping and bleeding and got excruciating cramps with literally All of them and constant bleeding with the depo shot. (I had a very painful internal ultrasound done, to hopefully diagnose endo by that route, but it was inconclusive - variations in the thickness of the endometrium, which could be endo or it could just be normal...) Most recent birth control was an iud and i had to go to the er the same evening because my body couldnt stand to have it in there causing so much pain, i couldnt stop screaming and it sucked. The iud was a few weeks ago ((and the proceedure to insert it was the worst pain ive ever felt in my life, and the same sharp pain continued through the following days until i got it removed) and i havent been able to sit straight since, i have to keep sitting to one side in order to not feel like having an ice pick jammed in me. Its gotten better since the iud was removed, but i still get a sharp pain when i have to sit on something hard. My doctor recommended me to have a diagnostic laparoscopy with cystectomy ASAP because of the iud problems and all my failed birth control attempts. Everyone in my family freaked out and kept pushing me to not go through with it, but I knew i needed to know what was causing me so much pain, like tbh, as a trans man, id prefer just a straight up hysterectomy, but yknow either way this is a step in that direction anyway. I have an aunt who had to have the same proceedure twice because of complications, and kept telling me her horror story about how painful recovery was and i was like 'trust me its not going to be worse than an iud because i thought i was dying' and she blew me off like 'its going to be wAY worse' like uh no bc an iud was 666/10 on the pain scale for me, i genuinely thought i was dying or would have a heart attack with how bad the pain was; plus ive had surgeries before and was completely fine after... Anyway fuck what my family said i went through with it anyway and it wasnt that bad of a proceedure to wake up from! My first thought was 'oh no, did they hospitalize me? I feel like ive been asleep for weeks!!' But it was just the recovery room. Ive usually done pretty well with recovery, and this was no different. The worst part of the recovery room was the sensation of needing to cough from where they had inserted the breathing tube for anesthesia. (Today my throat is still a bit sore, and my voice hoarse, but warm mint tea has been helping a lot for that.) I was also feeling cramps similar to mild-moderate menstrual cramping, (no where near the sharp shooting pain of the iud, and no where near my normal, unmedicated cramping which has had me doubled over screaming in pain until the medicine kicks in in the past), and of course a bit of soreness from the incision sites and the general soreness of having gas trapped in my body. (They have to pump a bit of gas inside you so its easier to look around, and some of it stays trapped in you after.) Its a pain similar to what ive felt before just from my fibromyalgia in general, so i was very relieved for the most part. I also felt myself bleeding a bit while i was still in the recovery room. (Gross and tmi, but im still having a spot of blood only when i wipe today, so thats a relief after having been bleeding a majority of the days over the past few months trying different BC options.) Strangely, when i got home i didnt feel groggy or in need of a nap like i have for surgeries in the past. I was also warned of having nausea from the anesthesia, but i had none at all!! And i was warned by multiple sources that i wouldnt have an appetite, but boy i ate almost Everything in the kitchen yesterday im pretty sure ive gone through a whole box of protein bars since yesterday too. Multiple sources (including my family member who had the same proceedure) warned of a sudden bad mood drop immediately after the proceedure, And i dont wanna jinx it, but I have been in such a good fucking mood since i got home yesterday, but maybe thats just the painkillers talking, but still I was at a total low point, like, cant-get-any-lower low point in terms of mood, but i just... feel so good (besides the aching and incision site pain lmao) On to the pain now... The worst of it was waking up this morning after the surgery day. I had quite a bit of the trapped gas pain when i first lied down at night (and when i tried to lie on my side) but the feeling doubled when i tried to get up. Im very bloated still. While the bloating itself isnt very painful, it feels like the stretching of my stomach is pulling at the medical tape covering my incisions which is making them hurt. Im not getting the trapped-gas-roaming-my-body feeling As Often, but its obviously still trying to dissipate. I feel it most while trying to take a deep breath like a bubble pressing against my ribs, but easing a deep breath slowly in and out moves it around and makes it less uncomfortable. Light exercise, like slow walking, is supposed to help your body absorb/dissolve/release the trapped gas. So i did 5 minutes on, 5 off for 3 times on the slowest treadmill setting earlier and im going to try again tomorrow for the same. (I feel like it made my bloating worse, so i had to go back to resting after, but ive been getting up and down to get food for my insatiable appetite lmao) Now the actual tmi and gross stuff: It is really fucking hard to pee. Straight up i have to concentrate so hard. Normally i lean over on my arm to help push it all out at once, but i cant do that with the incisions over my belly lmao. Shitting is just as hard, but the Shit Gods have blessed me with the Antibiotic Runs this morning so im all set for today lmao. Im really bummed tho they put a bandage over where my belly piercing is supposed to go, so i couldnt put it back in after the surgery. The whole, not being able to bend over thing, is reminding me of what its like to have a fresh belly piercing, and im groaning bc im gonna have to go thru with it again to get it back.... and i feel like i jUSt got it done... (it was summer last year) ughhhhhh.... oh well, like at least this time it should go in straight i hope? Also, obligatory vent that... having a fucking uterus does not make me a woman i wish doctors and nurses would use gender neutral language... TLDR; had a laparoscopic surgery to diagnose endometriosis and remove the uterine cysts caused by it, having a great recovery so far!! Still waiting on follow up from the doctor for my next step, but im feeling a lot better than when i was suffering cramps from every birth control i tried to get Rid of cramps

#endometriosis #endo #chronic pain #fibromyalgia #menstruation #surgery #tmi #personal #vent #Cori.exe #Post.exe #long post

[umbillicalnoose]

i think that you would think im pretty and would like my poetry and i want to share it with you. im shy.

to be honest, im very apathetic these days. im not the nice “cutesy baby flower petal boy” i used to be. a lot has happened & im bitter & sullen & all in all, a pretty shitty friend/person to know. i used to possess some redeeming qualities, believe it or not, even if they were construed by the subconscious in an attempt to be likeable - a facade, even tho its only a facade, is still tangible, still there, is still something, even if not authentic. is poorer character forgivable in the name of presenting more authentically? but nah. that makes it sound like im putting effort into being a better person, which im not. im just sort of fried & done. its been a very long time since i played the role i built for myself on here of the “small fawn boy who wants to help girls” lmaooo. how embarrassing. altho, i was just a kid, & i guess, if you had a tumblr as a teenager, you went thru some cringe (i know the use of that word has fallen in on itself & adopted its own definition but for lack of a better one) ass phases, whether it was kinning or malingering mental illness or oh fucking christ, all that gender bullshit, etc etc. from what ive observed, tho, loosely following kids im still casually friends with that i met on here, i think we’ve all managed to Grow The Fuck Up, at least a little. most of us have jobs or r in school or have partners - growing up & moving on is a very surreal experience to watch/go thru. im moving at my own pace & ive accepted that - im still currently using & starving myself & concocting a suicide plan every day but at least i use clean needles as much as possible, i actively & honestly do strive for the bare minimum calorically, & um able to work with the mentality of “well ill have this when i need it but todays not that day” a lot more readily, in relation to suicide shit. ive finally found a therapist who Really Gets It, is a frontrunner internationally on ritual & extreme abuse & mind control. its pretty incredible what a few years with a good therapist can do. anyways. im sorry, i know you didnt ask for all this & im not even sure why i divulged. i guess, what tipped me off, was your attempt at sounsing “cute” - dude, cut that shit out, i promise youll be a lot better off. & i know everyone interchanges aspects of their personality based on who theyre talking to/who they percieve themselves to be talking to, but i feel like not a lot of people give enough credence to the internet & its hand in shaping/molding young people, kids, vulnerable dumbasses, especially tumblr (tho, i get that its a relatively new phenomenon) - u get a bunch of the “weird”, “alternative”, ““ostracized” kids together on a website, of course its gonna nurture a culture of hypervalidatoon & pretending to be sick in order to fit in to the point that its not an act anymore & exacerbation of symptoms & basically, just sucking each others dicks, sitting in ur own shit, & never ending coddling. & then, you have the older group of kids, who have played this game before but instead of helping or ignoring the Dumbshit kids, they indulge their own normally-buried-but-unleashed-by-internet-anonymity sadism/human instinct to just be fucking dicks & so now you have this vicious cycle of anger & hatred & fucking melodrama up the urethra. im sorry, i know im comig off as/am being harsh but god fuckin dammit yknow? also, this isnt directed at you, specifically, more of a generalized thing, @ myself included. so uh. i mean, if u still wanna share it with me after reading all this, id be happy to read ur poetry. i used to be over the top nice & then reverted to Major Asshole & am now trying to find that sweet middle spot - honoring & allowing myself to share my pain without putting it on others. which is really hard!! cuz becoming a Dick was difficult in that it forced me to be more honest with my true self & as such, more vulnerable - now in trying to become Kinda Nice again because despite being a pulsating scrotom, ive had the intense desire for friendship & human interaction, while simultaneously doing things that i was consciously aware was pushing others away - but then, if i pretend to be nice, where does that authenticity i worked for & was so scared of go? & i dont mean telling someone their new haircut looks nice even when it doesnt - thats just not being a dick. but i guess, those r the normal trials & tribulations of any relationship & adolescent developing identity. which is weird too - dealing with “normal” issues, i mean. whats the point if your life/limbs/breaking point arent at risk? whats the point when your best friends already dead. im sick of people calling "survivors” (despise that word, so fucking female-originated & overdramatic) “brave” & “strong” - surviving is not brave or strong. its just survival. you wouldnt call an animal brave for running for its life from a predator but you would call a dog courageous for going into a burning building to save its owner. premeditated action on the notion that you are probably going to be hurt is brave. being subjected to pain with no choice is not. theres no “silver lining” or anything “good” to be drawn from it either - sure it may have made x a more compassionate person or made y more introspective & gentle but you know what would have been even fucking better??? if the shit hadnt happened in the first place! let x be an asshole & y be self absorbed - the “benefits”, so to speak, do not outweigh the cost, not by a long fucking shot. its not only patronizing to hear garbage like that, but a slap in the face to know that anyone could possibly see anything good coming from that nightmare & that the characteristics, good or bad, you developed either in response to or as a result of, are worth praise. dont tell me im strong for doing what i had to to escape a torture chamber - tell me im perseverant for studying my ass off & passing that test last week. in the words of one of my dearest & most fucking brilliant friends, “pain doesnt owe me/you purpose - the need to intellectualize & assign meaning to pain & death is not only futile, but harmful.” & honestly, i think that it stems from weakness (in most cases - i realize theres a plethora of other reasons such as those who r just desperate for something to hold on to or r hyperintellectual & analytical or who have been pressured by external “support” systems to find the “good” etc etc) - while the majority of people view the person who “can find the good in everything” (strictly speaking only in relation to trauma/tragedy here & more in denunciation of those that celebrate this trait as opposed to vilifying “survivors” who respond this way, though in my experience, its very very very rarely the “survivor” that perpetrates this ideology ) as strong, i sort of see it as a weakness - their inability to sit with & absorb their own pain or that of others is so strong that not only do they have to frantically pull rainbows out of the teeth of a meat cleaver, they also have to exist within this strange (tho, not malicious - more subconscious) superiority complex. like, nah, dude, some times shit is just awful. you cant tell me anything fucking good came out of a four year old girl being kidnapped, gangraped, & tortured for two years, before being impaled & left to die on a stake. her mom opened a non profit organization? oh well thank fucking god for that!!! those that believe the latter to be more “enlightened” or whatever the fuck r the same people who say shit like “dying is easy - living is harder” & i get that that its supposed to be interpreted metaphorically for the most part - giving up is easy, trying isnt (which also.....isnt true??? admitting defeat & fully accepting the fact that ur fucking helpless is beyond hard lmao???) - but pretend youre somewhere, anywhere outside ur sunny little fucking yoga studio full of white women whos biggest issues r the pta & johnny whos failing math, & lets say your life is in real, imminent danger, a gun is to your head & i want you to not scream or cry or beg for ur life since dying is “easier”. if dying is so easy, why do the majority of ppl cling to it with such desperation - why is suicide illegal? why do some ppl go thru 100s of chemo treatments even tho the doctors say theyre just prolonging the inevitable, ppl who cut off a diseased arm so it wont spread, those who walk dozens of miles every day for food & water, etc? & i know & understand the survival instinct better than anyone, even when i wanted to die more than anything, my natural instincts would kick in with no conscious neural input & id do what i had to do. im not condemning those who cling to life (ok - a little. ur wasting resources out of ur own fear. but i also realize thats just me being a Fucking Asshole As Always cuz technically, im doing the same thing tho its more due to lack of opportunity rather than fear. i just think, societally, death should be more normalized, discussed, & not made out to be so unknown & scary), instead just reprimanding those who say shit like that (inspirational facebook quotes). especially cuz most of the ppl who do spew that shit have never gone thru anything even remotely difficult - their worst nightmare is a Big Scary Black Man grabbing them on the street, mugging them, & touching their tits. & i also know that these stupid ass sayings are to be applied to bullshit like exercise & fitness (“no pain no gain” is another one of my Favorites) & not fucking torture or even just ur run of the mill rape, even that would probably smash the rose tinted banana republic shades off their beverly hills tanned faces. but ive heard the no pain no gain one a handful of times in the last few weeks, specifically from doctors performing procedures in preparation for my bottom surgery. & i know its supposed to be encouraging & they have no way of knowing, but its just like, buddy, u have no idea who youre fucking talking to. & im starting to understand what THEY mean when they say it - pain with a reward is infinitely more tolerable than pain just for the sake of pain; like, a tattoo, it hurts, but u know, when its done, its gonna be sick as fuck. when u r able to fall back on the idea that its for something u rlly want, its A Lot easier to handle as opposed to pain thats Just Pain - theres no reward for it except, i guess, that the more u experience it, the closer u r to the end of it lmao. i mean, i still hate when ppl say it cuz for most of my life, pain was just pain, & the “reward” was the opportunity to go home at the end & so whenever ppl say that, my mind just immediately resorts back to that & im just like haha fuck u. but im trying to remember my experiences r definitely not universal & im starting to sorta understand what they mean i think. but, flipping gears here, & going back to the sentiment of “everything happens for a reason”, the base philosophy of psuedo deep Fuckwads - a girls dad didnt fuck her “for a reason”, everything doesnt happen “for a reason”. like ok, hypothetically, the kid he impregnated her with & that she was forced to have at 12 may surpass all odds & not become a homeless junkie & instead become a world renowned doctor who finds the cure for cancer. but she wasnt raped repeatedly from the age of six for that “reason”, no matter what anyone says & honestly, the liberation of the masses does not justify the suffering of one, especially a child. in my eyes at least. but again, im a bitter asshole. sorry i just Went The Fuck Off here oh my god.....if u read all this, thanks, pal. if not, thats cool too. but yea, send me ur stuff, id totally be down to read it. as for me potentially thinking ur cute, i have to look at my disgusting shitstain of a “face” every goddamn day so everyone else to me is fuckin aphrodite. but im also tryin to not put so much worth into physical appearance- its not something that should be complimented cuz its just smth a person was born with which is the same reason it shouldnt be insulted. this is gonna sound gay & stupid but i personally find that a persons essence & personality really permeates. you can meet someone who, objectively, isnt all that great looking, but once u get to know them, u really see their beauty - how the sun catches in their hair, their dilated pupils looking up at u from under long eyelashes in the dark, the birthmark on their right shoulder that they despise but that is so Them, the gap in their teeth, etc. & idk how to phrase this without it sounding like “well ur ugly but at least ur a good person”, cuz that only reiterates the societally indoctrinated emphasis on appearance & my kneejerk reaction to assure the person in question that thats not what im saying is only another result of that!!! its inescapable!!! but no, really, its not just a matter of “its on the inside that counts” - physically, they change or maybe, actually this is more likely, when i first meet them, my “default” eyes r just looking for features that i know im immediately attracted to (tall, blonde, sickly as in sunken eyes sticklike pale but still looks like she could & will beat the shit out of me) but as i fall in love or get to know them better, my eyes adjust & i notice & adore the beauty that was there all along. so uh. idk if ill think ur “cute”. but probably, yes, ill think ur an angel.