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maylovexhs · 4 years

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everytime - IT IS WHAT IT IS (Chp. 34)

Author’s Note: OH MY GOD. I NEVER RECIEVED SO MANY LIKES ON A CHAPTER LIKE LAST ONE’S BEFORE. SO JUST THANK YOU! I’M SO HAPPY AT LEAST ONE PERSON LIKES MY STORY. ANYWAYS, HERE’S ANOTHER ONE FOR YOU. HOPE YOU ENJOY - MAY

Catch up on everytime here

NYC. November 15th, 2019. 1 PM.

*Y/N’S POV*

“I’m one of your best friends, aren’t I?”

“Why do you ignore me for him?”

“I’m not ignoring you, H”

“Y/N”

“My friends would never act like this”

“Y/N?”

“Neither would mine”

“Hello, Earth to Y/N” I heard Ali say.

I looked up from my coffee to Ali and Izzy.

“What?” I asked Ali.

“What do you think?” Ali asked me.

Umm, what were we talking about again? Last thing I remember was just sitting down at the table in this cafe.

“Should I take the job or not?” Izzy asked me.

Oh, Izzy’s job. Right . . .

“I don’t know” I said. “That’s up to you”

Ali rolled her eyes at me.

“That doesn’t help” Ali said.

“Sorry” I said. “I just have a lot on my mind. Didn’t get much sleep”

That was true. I didn’t get much sleep. How could I when I had Harry’s and I’s last conversation on repeat on my head? He basically said I was horrible. I wasn’t horrible. Yes, I knew I was wrong for introducing to my friends so late but Ashton’s my boyfriend. Of course, Ashton met them sooner than he did. And Harry met Ali so many times already. Not to mention, all the times I’ve been on FaceTime with her and Izzy in front of him.

“What’s wrong?” Izzy asked me.

“Nothing” I said. “Just some Harry drama”

“What did he do this time?” Ali asked me. “He has a girlfriend you don’t like?”

“No, no” I shook my head at her. “Why the hell would I be mad about that?”

“You were once” Ali said.

“That was four years ago” I said.

“What happened?” Izzy asked me.

I bit my lip. How was I going to make this simple?

“Am I a bad friend?” I asked them. “Harry thinks I’m a bad friend to him”

“Why would he think that?” Izzy asked me. “You’re always so nice to us”

“He got mad that Ashton met you guys before he did” I said. “He said I was a bad friend for introducing him to you both sooner”

“Didn’t you tell me about this before?” Ali asked me.

“Am I a bad friend or not?” I asked them. “Just answer the question”

Izzy and Ali looked to each other. Izzy sat back in the chair.

“Yes and no” Ali said. “Listen, Harry does have a point. It took forever for him to meet all your close friends. Talha met you both after two months”

I sat back in my chair, crossing my arms.

“But Harry and you have always been in and out of loop” Ali said. “So, you can’t really blame yourself”

“And why would Harry still be friends with you if he thought you were a bad friend?” Izzy added. “You couldn’t be that bad to him”

I looked down, contemplating.

Izzy was right. Why would Harry still be my friend if he thought I was so bad? And why was I still friends with him if he makes me feel so guilty?

“Anyways, what do you think Izzy should do?” Ali asked me. “We helped you with your problem, help her”

I looked to Izzy. I forced myself to smile.

“Is it worth it?” I asked her. “To leave the one you have now?”

“I think so” Izzy said. “I’m worried because I don’t know how it will go. I can’t turn back to my old job if I don’t like it”

I looked to Ali and back to Izzy.

“Take it” I said. “If it is really worth it, nothing should stop you”

“That’s it?” Ali asked me. “That’s your advice?”

I nodded.

“Do you mind if I leave early?” I asked them. “I have something to check”

“You could if you want to be a bad friend to us” Ali commented.

I squinted my eyes at her. I got up from the table.

“I paid for you coffee, didn’t I?” I asked her.

“Just go” Izzy said. “We’ll see you Sunday anyways”

I smiled at Izzy.

“Mhmm” I nodded.

I took my coffee and turned from them. I walked away, taking a few steps before I heard Ali say something.

“I never understood them two” Ali said. “Harry’s so bad for her but she is still with him.”

My smile faded.

I didn’t understand either. And I wanted to know why too.

AN HOUR LATER . . .

I came back home. The first thing I did was go my bedroom and took out my box of journals.

Yes, my journals. I always had them nearby. Whenever I had a problem, I always turned to them. They helped me out a lot, actually. They helped me with when I got in a fight with Ali more than once. They helped me with my parents. Now, I hoped they helped me find the reason I was still friends with Harry.

I already knew Harry and I shared a special friendship. God knows how many times we crossed paths and had our ups and down but I always found to be asking myself why I still let Harry into my life after everything. Harry hurt me so much in the past but so have I hurt him. Maybe him more than me but my point is - why do I still stick around?

I poured my box of journals on my bed. I had about five journals. My first one was from a red journal from 2008 to 2010. My second was blue, 2010 to 2011. Third, black and from 2012 to 2014. Fourth, green, 2015-2017. And the fifth and yellow one is right next to my bed. 2018 till now. But I only cared for the black and green journals in front of me. I picked up the black journal.

I met Harry in 2013. February 2013. The day of the Brits. I met him at an after party. Let’s start there.

I opened my journal, flipping through pages until I saw Harry’s name.

February 21, 2013. Brits were last night. Didn’t win international female but that doesn’t matter. I’m still happy. (Also my therapist said I should try not base my happiness off of success) But I’m happy because I have a new friend. Harry Styles. Yes, the same Harry Styles I bumped into when I was with Dominic and the same one from one direction. That one. Funny story is, he’s Nick friend. I met Nick at an after party and Harry was there. Next thing, I know is I’m at BBC radio station having drunk conversations with Harry. Is it weird I already feel comfortable around him? Like comfortable as in I already know him? I never felt this way before except when I met Ali. Is Harry my new best friend???

I flipped three pages, seeing Harry’s name again.

April 4th, 2013. Ugh, just came back from a museum. I’m so tired but I want to write this down before I fall asleep. Harry. Rita. Tickles. Drink. Shirt Ruined. Harry’s lucky I like him and Rita’s kinda a friend so I won’t kill them. Anyways, my birthday’s in a week. I’m leaving in two days to go back home to New York. Goodnight.

I shook my head, smiling.

I remember that day. Harry was so sorry that he poured his drink on me. He said he didn’t mean it. I knew he didn’t. Rita just happened to tickle him from behind and of course, I was in front of Harry and he spilled his drink on me. Harry practically followed me into the bathroom to wash the drink off my shirt. . . Oh, Y/N. You’re going to get mad at him again.

I flipped through my journal more. I stopped at an entry from the end of 2013.

December 6, 2013. Just found out Harry’s hanging around Kendall Jenner. He told at dinner tonight. Not that I care who Harry hangs out with . . . Why should I? I’m dating Robert anyways. But I feel protective. I just feel like Harry should be hanging out with more . . . good people. People who won’t take advantage of him. . . I don’t trust Kendall. Something about her and her family irks me. According to Twitter, I’m not the only one.

I bit my lip.

A jealous me. Why did I have to land on that?

I shut my journal, putting it down and picking up my 2015-2017. I remember I was on tour for the majority of 2014. Nothing really happened between Harry and I that year. 2015, on the other hand . . .

I opened my journal and flipped through the first few pages.

March 15, 2015. I broke up with Matt. It’s wrong to keep him from his job. If you really love someone, you shouldn’t hold them back. That’s the right thing to do. But why does it feel so bad? Why does it hurt so much? It’s the right thing to do but it hurts so much it feels wrong. . . I told Harry about it. He’s the only one in LA I can trust except Lisa. His girlfriend broke up with him too. I mean, ex-girlfriend. They broke up two weeks ago so, at least I have someone who is going through the same thing as me. . . This is for the best. It has to be for the best.

I flipped to June, remembering that month so clear. It was when I realized I fell for Harry. And when he broke my heart for the first time.

June 11, 2015. I think I’m in love with him. Harry. I never thought I would be but I guess I’ve always did. The last few months just made me realize it. Harry has a strange effect on me. He knows what’s wrong the second he sees me. He knows how to calm me down. He knows how to make me feel better and happy in a way no one has before. I just feel like he gets me. I feel understood by him. Special. The last few months, I felt like shit trying to get over Matt. I did, in the end but I fell for Harry in the process too. I started to feel like I’ve felt for him a few ago actually. I didn’t actually want to believe it. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to ruin my friendship with him over some feelings that could change. And a part of me thinks Harry could never love me back. I mean, I’m broken. My parents are shit. My friends are crazy and so am I. I have attachment issues. I can’t let anyone in and when I do, I can’t let them leave because of the pain. But my feelings for Harry didn’t change and I had to do something about that. I was fighting with myself for the last week if I should tell him and I decided, I am. I’m going to tell him when he gets his break from tour. I deserve to be happy. He makes me happy. I think I make him happy too.

I looked at the next date I wrote.

June 17, 2015. He doesn’t love me. I told him and he said he didn’t think of me like that. He said he was talking to another girl anyways. I saw the girl today. Pictures of them came out today. She’s a Victoria Secret model. . . I don’t want to talk about it.

I felt my eyes water up a bit but I quickly flipped towards September. Harry and I were not quite done. We never were.

September 16, 2015. Harry called me today. . . Yup, after two months of not talking to him, he called me. He said he was sorry and realized he had feelings for me too. He wants to give us a try. Crazy thing is that I said yes. Listen, I’ve tried forgetting Harry. I dived into work, I went out with Ali and Sophia to clubs. Still can’t get him out of my head. Maybe I was meant to wait until he realized his feelings. I just want to be happy, even if it means giving him a second chance. Who knows what it will take us . . . By the way, Ali’s pissed.

I flipped to October.

October 25, 2015. Harry broke up with me. He said as much as he tried, he couldn’t love me back. He said something was missing. I knew something was missing too. We didn’t have that passion I had with my exes. Not that I expected it’s just . . . I thought we love me back. He didn’t.

I turned to January, 2016.

January 3rd, 2016. Kendall and Harry. Harry could be with her and not me? Who the fuck did he think I was? Just a step to get fucked? Was that who I was to him? What did she have that I didn’t? Sure, she was a model and skinner and taller but I’m me. I was his best friend for the last three years. She wasn’t! I was there for Harry when his heart was broken. I’ve seen him cry. Did she? Fuck her. And Fuck Harry. This is the last straw. He can have her all he wants. He won’t have me though. Not anymore.

I looked up from the page.

I wasn’t a bad friend. If I was, Harry was worse. Harry rejected me. He made me feel like I didn’t matter. He forgot about me. What kind of friend does that? I wouldn’t . . . Why was I still here though? I forgave Harry. I forgave him a long time ago. Why did I care about what he did if I’m still his friend?

I looked down at the page. I flipped back to the June 11, 2015 entry.

I think I’m in love with him. Harry. I never thought I would be but I guess I’ve always did. The last few months just made me realize it.

I had to be over Harry. I was sure of it. I was way off happier with Felix. I am with Ashton too. But if I didn’t like, or love, Harry anymore . . . why would I be here? I’ve been through enough of his shit. So why on Earth am I still friends with him if I didn’t like him a bit? Did I love him a bit? I loved him like a best friend but like that? No, no, no. Unless . . .

I never thought I would be but I guess I’ve always did.

What if I did love Harry? Why did I love Ashton more then? Why didn’t I care what Harry would think of Ashton then? I would care for Harry more than Ashton.

I looked down at my journal again. I knew the answer.

I flipped to 2017. September 2017.

September 20, 2017. I don’t like being pregnant. I feel so emotional. . . I talked to Harry again. Well, actually I listened to Harry’s album first and then, I called him. We went out for lunch. I hate to admit it but I missed him. Hearing his voice sing made me realize it. I know we haven’t had the best relationship but . . . we have something. Something rare. We just get each other. I don’t know how to explain it. I’ve always felt something was there but I could never describe it. It’s like something has always pulled us to each other. We bring out the best, and sometimes the worst, but mostly the best in each other. . . I don’t want to lose all that for how stupid we were two years ago. Harry was twenty-one, he was supposed to not take relationships serious. I was twenty-six. I was too old chasing something that could never be. We’re different now and I’m happy with what I have now. Felix and our soon to be bundle of joy. That’s what Felix has been calling her/him. Anyways, back to the point - Harry. I’ll always want to be his friend. I loved him once and I’ll always love him. Not like that but there’s a little part of him that has my heart. Don’t all lovers do? I should tell Felix about what happened now. He invited us to his concert tomorrow and I really really don’t want to go alone.

I blinked at the page, knowing the answer all along.

Harry always had a piece of my heart. I’ve loved him and a part of me will always will. I will always be there for him, just as I have. Six years, on and off, I was always there. He was there for me too.

I grabbed a nearby pen, outlining some of the page. I carefully ripped it out and folded it. I closed my journal, putting it down on the table. I got up and looked for my little leather backbag. I did find it and put the paper inside, closing it.

I knew the answer. Harry was going to know too.

*HARRY’S POV*

I didn’t dare call Y/N today. I wanted to but I knew it was better I shouldn’t. I knew Y/N long enough to know that she needed space to calm down. I did too.

I was a dickhead. To Y/N and Ashton. It was wrong of me to tell Ashton about Felix. It was Y/N’s choice when and how she should tell him. I shouldn’t have acted so hostile towards them to begin with. I was upset with Y/N and took it out on her and Ashton. I knew I deserved to be upset at Y/N but I should have just talked to her alone about it. I didn’t and now I looked like an asshole.

KNOCK KNOCK.

I looked to my dressing room’s door.

“Come in!” I said.

The door opened, revealing Heidi.

“Hey!” Heidi said.

“Hi” I said, getting up from the couch. “Don’t I still have fifteen minutes?”

“Oh, you do” Heidi said. “Just came over to ask if you’re okay”

“Yeah” I said, smiling but a little confused. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Well, I saw you and Y/N had a little fight last night” Heidi said. “Didn’t mean to see but I was leaving and-“

“Oh, no, it’s okay” I said, lying. “We just had a little argument. We talked after, we’re fine”

We weren’t. I had no idea if we were going to be fine really. Normally, when we did get into fights, we both don’t talk for days until someone finally breaks and admits they’re sorry. Y/N always forgave me whenever I apologized. The thing now is I don’t know if she will forgive me if I did say sorry. How could she if I didn’t forgive myself either?

“You’re sure?” Heidi asked me. “Because it didn’t look like it”

“I’m one hundred percent sure we’re okay” I said to Heidi. “She said she’s coming tomorrow for the show”

“Oh, she is?” Heidi asked me.

I nodded.

“Yeah” I said. “I actually told her about-“

BRINGGG. BRINGGG.

I looked to the dressing room’s table. I watched my phone vibrate on the table. I looked back to Heidi.

“Do you mind if I-“

“Oh, take it” Heidi said. “I’ll see you in a few minutes”

I nodded at her. Heidi left, closing the door. I walked over to the table, picking up my phone.

Y/N was calling me.

I answered her call immediately. I pressed my phone to my ear.

“Hi” I said.

“Hi” I heard Y/N say in a low voice. “I thought you wouldn’t answer”

“Me?” I asked her. “Aren’t you’re the one upset at me?”

“I was . . .” Y/N said. “I wanted to talk to you about that”

“Me too” I said. “I’m sorry about last night. I didn’t mean to act like an asshole to Ashton and you. I was just angry and I should have just talked to you about it in the first place”

“No, I’m sorry” I heard Y/N say. “You’re right to be mad at me. I would be pissed off at you too if I completely ignored if you got a new girlfriend?”

“You didn’t though” I said. “I was just jealous-“

I heard a knock on my door.

“Ten minutes!” I heard one of the crew members say.

I sighed.

“Listen, Y/N. I’m sorry.” I said. “I was completely wrong. Can we talk about this later? I’m on call in a few minutes-“

“Yeah, sure” Y/N said. “I feel like we should talk about this in person anyways”

“So, your place?” I asked her. “I get off at seven. Could be there latest at eight”

“Yeah” Y/N said. “I’ll be waiting. See you soon”

“See you soon” I said.

Y/N hung up on me. I put my phone back down.

She forgave me. And in less than a week. I guess I had nothing to worry about . . . did I?

9 PM.

I walked in seeing Y/N sitting on her living room floor. Pages of papers were scattered in front of her.

“Hey” I said to her.

“Hi” Y/N said back, smiling.

“What are you on the floor for?” I asked her.

“I was writing” Y/N said. “I don’t know but I always find myself being more honest sitting on the floor”

“Were you writing about us?” I asked her.

“Something like that” Y/N said.

I smiled at her. I kicked off my shoes. I walked over and sat down on the floor next to her. I looked down at one of the pages. I picked one up, reading it.

“I won't pretend it's all your fault, when you were there through it all” I read. “I messed things up, I always do, but it was always you”

Y/N smiled at me.

“Like I said,” Y/N said. “Something like that”

I laid the paper back down on the floor.

I looked to Y/N, who was already staring at me.

“I’m sorry” Y/N said. “You were right. I’ve been a horrible friend to you. I didn’t think I would hurt you by letting Ashton meet my friends so soon. I’m sorry I forgot about you when I was with him”

I shook my head at her.

“No, no, no” I said. “I’m the horrible one here. I know you wanted me to meet your friends sooner than I did. I shouldn’t been mad at you because Ashton met them. I was just insecure and jealous of him. I thought that you would forget about me and he was going to replace me”

Y/N lightly smiled at me.

“H, he could never replace you” Y/N said. “How could he? You’ve always been there for me. No matter what happens, you will always be there. Every time we lose each other, we always find our way back.”

Y/N looked down.

“I’m not going to lie” Y/N said. “There were times I did hate you. You did horrible things and I wished I could forget you but as much as I tried to . . . I couldn’t”

Y/N picked a folded paper off from the floor. She looked to me, handing it to me.

“It’s actually funny,” Y/N said. “I found myself asking myself earlier why I was still friends with you. But I knew the answer a long time ago”

I took the paper from her. I unfolded it and started to read what was on the page.

I felt my heart jolt. That same jolt I last felt in the summer. It was back but this one felt more . . . more tender.

I looked to Y/N.

“The underlined lines are the important ones” Y/N said.

“You wrote this?” I asked her. “When you were with Felix?”

She nodded.

“You don’t have to worry about Ashton” Y/N said. “You always have a special place in my heart. You always did”

I looked at Y/N’s lips. Why did they look so tempting to kiss?

“The last thing I want is to lose you” Y/N said. “I almost did once and I think it nearly broke both of us”

I stared into her eyes. God, her eyes. Every time I looked into them, I felt safe. Home.

“Nearly?” I asked her. “Didn’t you hear my heart break in that song?”

Y/N smiled at me. She leaned into me, hugging me.

“I love you, H” Y/N said. “You’re my best friend. I can never forget you”

I wrapped my arms around her. I felt another jolt run through my heart.

“I love you too” I said.

And I don’t think it’s in that way anymore.

#hs imagine #harry styles imagine #harry styles imagines #hs imagines #harry styles one shot #hs one shot #harry styles fanfic #harry styles fanfiction #hs fanfiction #hs fanfic #everytime chapters #everytime HS

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redfoxwritesstuff · 5 years

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I’m Back (Tom Hiddleston x ofc 18+)

Good morning, Loves. You’ve made it. Are you excited? Got your water ready? Good, because she’s here and waiting for you. Almost 11k words and a lot of smut.

Buy me a Ko-fi and contribute to my birthday trip to NYC to see Betrayal.

Part 1 is here- not really required reading and the Masterlist is here

Warnings: Dub con, Succubus, unprotected sex, oral sex (Male and female both receiving), aggressive blowjobs, hair pulling, rough sex, choking, public masturbation, occult rituals

Summary: She’s back and she’s hungry. This time however, she’s still riding on the sustenance from her last meal. Mothers always tell their children not to play with their food but Lilith never had a mother to teach her that and has every intention of playing with her food while he finishes his day of Convention events.

I’m Back

The gaggle of teenage girls giggled as they gathered around the bright screen in the dark basement room. A laptop was perched on a table, playing the latest interview. The man on the screen was one they adored with that pure and somewhat scary fever only possible by young girls only beginning to discover the power hormones and sexual desire can hold over their hearts, minds and sanity.

On the screen, the long legged object of their desire smiled. His voice filled the room. They would describe it all differently, if asked. They hadn’t had the years and maturity to really give voice to what it was about the voice that made them weak in the knees.

They’d been sipping at a bottle of too sweet Koolaid spiked with vodka from the ringleader’s parent’s bottle. In true teenage fashion, the difference in volume was masked by water. Someday, when they were older, they would understand how that failed to fool anyone. On this night all they knew is that’s what the cooler teens in the movies did, so that’s what they did.

The interview came to an end and there was a debate over what to do next. They could re-watch any number of his past films. They could marvel upon his clean shaven face and how young he had looked in older films they didn't care for otherwise. They could take in the way pale skin and insanity somehow complemented his features in superhero movies they only watched for him.

What they wanted to do was go out to the theater again and see his newest movie, ‘Black Death’ yet again. It was something so unlike many of his prior films. It was steeped in mystery and the supernatural while dripping in murder and detective goodness. They’d already seen the movie five times as a group. After having spent the day at prior day one of Comic Con in New York City, they didn’t have a penny between them. Travel was expensive and after begging for a group trip nearly across the country for just one day- none of their parents were likely to humor them.

“Do you remember the ritual?” One of the girls, brown curls in a mess of fuzz and words slurring from the spiked Koolaid.

“Yeah, how could we forget!” Another girl laughed, her tight curls bouncing around her head as she swayed.

“He looked so sexy tied to the chair during it- is that weird? Like- am I weird for that?” Asked the blonde. She found it important in the moment to question what it was okay to find attractive in the way youth do, only beginning figuring themselves out.

“He totally did!” The last girl rocked back where she sat, falling onto her back.

“We should do it.” The brunette perked up after a long drink of Koolaid.

“Do what?” The blonde asked, reaching for the bottle and pretending her small sip was actually a deep drink.

“The ritual.” Brunette was standing and rummaging through the shelves in the back of the basement. Bubble mix and all manner of outdoor toys had been stored away for the impending winter. With a cheer of victory she pulled out a box of chalk. “Let’s do it. Just to see if we remember it.”

“Who would sit in the center?”

“We can put Tom in the center.” Spoke the girl with the dark tight curls, rummaging through her bag. The excitement was catching. “The spell, it was to turn the detective to their side right? What if we turned Tom to our side?”

“You can’t think it would actually work- it’s a movie.”

“My mom,” Started the girl still resting on her back on the ground, long slick black hair spread around her. “She used to say the magic in any ritual is in the intentions.”

“What is your mum, a witch?” Asked the blonde even as she was pulling things out of the center of the room. “Move, get off the floor so I can move the rug.”

“This is dumb, it’s not like Tom’s going to come and sit in our circle.”

“We have the picture he signed, we can use that.”

~~~~~<3

“Here’s the fuckin’ ale, now stop you’r bitching.”

The large, red skinned horned demon slammed the mug down, spilling amber liquid and froth over the rim. He looked almost human in shape but that was where the resemblance ended. She didn’t bother offering him a response as she picked up the heavy horn mug and brought it to her lips.

A unseen and unfelt breeze twisted around where she sat on the bar stool. It picked up the ends of her fire red hair, waves dancing with the energy of it. Her tail, thin as a whip yet full of coiled power lazily cut through it. Red dust picked up off the floor and swirled around her, settling on the toes of her black boots, thigh high with needle thin heels.

Light, dim though it was, reflected off the silver threads woven through the body of her corset. The fabric was soft to the touch but the bone ribs did their job, clenching her waist beyond what a human could withstand. It assured that one of the first things anyone saw when they laid eyes on her was her breasts, pushed high.

The not wind was strong enough to move her earrings, causing them to catch the light and come alive with a million little points of fractured light within the blood red stones. No human could ever mine stones such as these. In the past, stones such as these had been traded for kingdoms, formed with the blood of Eve.

There was a murmur through the room as the not wind died around her and everything again began to still. Lilith’s red lips, stained rather than painted, curled up into a sharp smile. She had felt it- near attempts at summoning her all day. But now, whoever had called for her had succeeded and she had once again been granted passage to the realm of life.

It’d been something like a year and a half since her last meal and while she hungered, she was far from starved. She’d gone much longer between feedings but who was she to turn down a chance to roam the earth for a short spell? Who knows how long it would be until she could again see the moonlight she so loved and feel the fire of passion?

~~~~~<3

Tom smiled and waved, feeling the electricity in the air. It was officially announced and as he had expected, news of Loki’s show on Disney+ had garnered him a roaring cheer. Truth be told, it pleased him more than was proper that it was his show that drew the loudest cheers.

He hadn’t been expecting Loki to even get a show but try as they may, Disney and Marvel couldn’t seem to cut themselves free from the Prince. They never did love or understand Loki the way he had. At least a good number of his fans saw it. He had put so much into Loki and for so long.

The lights dimmed and for a moment flickered out but before anyone could even question anything, they were one again on and as bright as ever. It was probably just a power surge, lord knew they were running enough power through the building with this event.

A part of him feared that wasn’t the case and instead thought back to that woman he shouldn’t have allowed into his bed. He couldn’t remember her clearly and though he knew he hadn’t had much to drink, he couldn’t explain why he hadn’t called the police. There was no reason to think of her now. He hadn’t thought of her much in the last year and a half.

~~~~~<3

As Tom walked toward the booth, there was a coiling tightness around his ankle. Reaching down, he adjusted his sock but the feeling didn’t go away. There wasn’t any time to worry about it. He’d hardly had time to eat, let alone worry about why his sock felt tight around his ankle.

That feeling slunk up higher and higher and he did everything he could to ignore it. It coiled around his thigh as if a snake had been trapped in his pant leg. There wasn’t anything he could do, fans were back to back. Ignore the feeling, smile, sign this, next and repeat. The feeling was distracting, though it was slow moving. Higher and higher.

“One second.” He didn’t wait for anyone to chastise him and though he knew full well it would hold up the line, he gave himself a few seconds to breath.

He had to do something about the way his pants were getting tighter. All he could think of was to yank his jumper down, rather aggressively and smile. Back to signing. Can’t hold up the line. The staff were already giving him looks. Fine, he decided and made a point of leaning forward, over the table just a bit more than he needed to. Bending at the waist, he was able to hide himself as things slowly got tighter.

Just keep signing, just keep signing. Smile, nod. It’s great to meet you. Thank you for the support. Just keep moving.

In the back of the hall, remembered by all though that would be unbelievable should you ever ask anyone who had seen her, was a woman leaning against the wall. Her eyes, violet and alive with an inhuman light, watched her prey. Mothers often told their children not to play with their meals but she had every intention of doing that exact thing.

~~~~~<3

Tom was beyond thankful when the signing ended and he could excuse himself into the back halls. He had only one hour until it was time for the photos and he needed to see to it he wouldn’t embarrass himself or anyone else.

He walked the busy halls, his fingers twitching with every step. Every time someone made eye contact with him, he would pull at his jumper. It was ridiculous, he wasn’t a school boy. His body was simply reacting to something, though he couldn’t even begin to guess as to what. It was natural. Perfectly natural.

Near the photo setup was a private bathroom for staff. He wasted no time in slipping inside, flipping on the switch and locking the door behind him. Three long strides took him to the sink where he turned the water on full blast. Giving into the urge that had plagued him, he pawed at the hardness in his pants and swallowed a groan.

He wasn’t some bloody school boy. He didn’t need to have a quick wank in the bathroom of a public building before he could continue on with his day. It would go down on its own. But what if it didn’t?

Rather than unbuckle his pants like he very much wanted to, he splashed cold water on his face with little care of if he got his hair wet. So what if some of the product in it washed away.

“I could help you with that.”

The voice was melodic, haunting and oh so familiar. Lead balled in his gut as he jerked his head up. Looking in the mirror, there was a woman- The woman leaning against the bathroom door. Red hair alight and a mischievous smile that would have made Loki proud playing on her bright red lips.

Turning around in a rush, he demanded “Who are you?”

But there was no one there. He was alone in the bathroom and he could very well see the door was still locked. Agitation was building within him and he shoved his hand through his hair, almost enjoying the way his fingers caught the tangles and yanked. Anything to ground him. He was losing his mind. He was sure of it.

Thin arms reached around him, hands slipping under his jumper causing him to jump clear out of his skin. He looked down to see nothing, no arms and no hands. Turning back toward the still running sink, he closed his eyes tightly. Gripping the end of the sink, he told himself over and over that it wasn’t real. He was alone. There was no one in this bathroom with him.

Small hands roamed up his chest. Though he couldn’t make sense of it, he could feel as she dragged the edges of her long nails down his abdomen. Muscle twitched and jumped at the touch that shouldn’t be there. Ragged breaths slipped from his lips as a body pressed against his back.

Now the unseen nails traced up his body, up his chest while one hand was holding him to her. How it was a her, he couldn’t say. The tip of a nail traced around his nipple, circling and teasing. It was a light touch, almost tickling until she pinched it.

He couldn’t help the soft moan it pulled out of him. God, it had been forever since he’d gotten laid. He hadn’t been with anyone since the mystery woman. That was what the issue was, or so he told himself. He needed release. His hand wasn’t doing the job well enough anymore. It would have to be good enough for now.

When he reached to unbuckle his belt, his hands were shaking. The action was rushed and he felt relief the moment his fly gave way and his jeans were no longer constricting his manhood.

“Let it out.” The whispered voice urged in his ear and again he looked around to find himself still alone in a locked bathroom.

His mind was foggy with need and he obeyed without a thought. At first he was just going to pull himself free but the idea of having the fabric hunched around his base wasn’t one he liked. He hadn’t exactly picked out his boxers today planning on having a raging erection in a thankfully clean bathroom.

Instead, he shoved his boxers down, allowing them to gather with his jeans around his knees. The air was cold on his exposed flesh but did nothing to put out the fire raging under his skin.

Wrapping his fist around his base, Tom slowly pumped it. Fine, he had decided. A quick wank wouldn’t hurt. Anything to calm the storm of need within him. He needed to calm it for now, so he could finish his day. After, after he could find someone to take to bed. After.

His eyes fell closed for a moment and he signed in relief. The phantom hands were back, resting on his thighs and roaming around to grip his ass. When he cracked open his eyes again, he could see the red headed women who had been at the door before. She was kneeling on the ground with seeming disregard for the fact that it was a bathroom floor.

The hands belonged to her but he couldn’t think about that now. All he could see, all he could focus on was how his need only became greater with her violet eyes looking up at him. Her red lips parted and pink tongue running along the top lip made for a sinful sight.

Faster and faster, he worked his hand over his length, his eyes falling to slits as he watched her. His mind didn’t work, didn’t process or retain what was happening.

She stilled his hand with her own and leaned up. With pure reverence she ran her tongue along the underside of his length. His knees were weak and he had to hold himself up with the sink behind him. Warmth surrounded him as she sucked him into her mouth. Down, down she went, taking every inch of him in a way he’d never seen another woman manage. Sharp teeth scratched at him as he passed into her throat. He could feel every swipe of her tongue, every twitch of her muscles as she swallowed around him.

He moaned as she pulled back, painfully slow. Reaching forward, he tangled his hand in her hair and guided her back down his length. Her hair was even softer than her mouth. As her nose nestled into the patch of coarse curls at his base without even so much as a gag, he pulled her back and off.

Her mouth hung open, ready for him to fill it again. Begging for him to fill it with his cock and who was he to make her wait? Down again, she swallowed him easily as he began to fuck her mouth. Harder, faster. Panting moans slipped from his lips though he tried so hard to hold them in.

Just a moment more. Only a little more. So close. God she felt so good, whoever she was. Right there. A groan ripped from him, low and guttural as a knock sounded at the door, jerking him out of the fog as he spilled hot ropes of seamen over his fast working fist. He was alone.

“Tom, mate? You in there? Photos in five.” Luke’s voice called through the door.

“Y-yeah.” He had to clear his throat and tried twice to get the word out.

“You okay?”

“Fine.” Tom looked around as he softened in his hand. What was he, a boy? How ridiculous was this, caught having a wank in the bathroom. Somehow, he’d burned through almost an hour- how he couldn’t imagine. “I’ll be right there. Have a coffee waiting for me?”

“Sure thing. Get your head on and face the masses.”

Tom held his breath for a few moments, waiting to make sure Luke was really done and gone. Looking around, he spotted the paper towels and shuffled around his mess toward them. After tossing a few onto the mess at on the floor and wiping his hand down, he had to turn his attention back to the mess he had made of his person.

Feeling completely ridiculous for being in this situation, he wiped himself with a damp paper towel. It was quick work, removing traces of his seed from his thighs where he must of flung it off his hand in his hurry. Once that was done, he set to work cleaning the mess from where it had spilled onto his dark jeans then the floor.

~~~~~<3

The first hour of photos had gone well. He was relaxed and at ease. It seemed as much as he had been against it, having that wank had helped get whatever that was out of his system.

It was in the second hour that the tightness around his leg began again. It moved faster now and he did everything he could to focus on the fans. It pained him when a woman would come for her photo, wearing a costume that hardly covered anything. He’d give them a hug, most of them wanted a hug and he tried so hard not to think about how their bodies pressed into him or how they felt in his arms.

Within thirty minutes of the tightness starting around his leg, it felt as if some coiled thing was caressing his thigh. He tried to ignore it but as one fan was replaced by another, higher it crept. He would paw at it, scratch at it in the few short seconds when one fan was being shown out before the next one was brought in.

The tightness was building again in his jeans and he wanted nothing more than to hide away and end the photo session early. A new fan was brought in, young and blonde. She was short, so short that when he looked down at her, he could clearly see her breasts down her shirt. She wasn't wearing a bra and the shirt didn't do anything to hide her from his gaze. That feeling in his leg moved just a little higher as the woman wrapped her arms around him.

She told him her name and he couldn’t be bothered to remember. Her dress was short and with her arms reaching up around his neck, it drew even higher up her thighs. That thing, wrapped around his leg was coiled around him now. It was caressing his balls in a way that nothing should have been able to while he was wearing tight jeans.

His pants got tighter as she explained that she wanted her photo of him holding her from behind. She moved into place and he wrapped his arms around her small frame. For a moment, an impulse surfaced to cup her breast, it wouldn't fill his hand but looked so soft and warm but he fought it off.

Instead, he pulled her to him and swallowed a moan when her back pressed against his crotch. His jeans were far tighter than they had any right being.

“Like this?” He asked, his voice heavy. He hoped she wouldn’t notice, wouldn’t question it.

“Yeah.” She nodded, not noticing how he looked down at her and completely unaware that he could see down the top of her dress. He could see the way her nipples pebbled against the fabric of the dress, unaware of the war within him. The neckline was low and wide and from his vantage towering over her, she may as well not be wearing it.

He would have gladly bent her over the chair behind the curtain and fucked her, if he could have. Instead, he wished her a good day and waved while hoping that it was a smile on his face rather than a grimace.

A couple was shown in as he pawed at the length of his cock, having tried to shift it to a more unnoticeable place. Tom prayed for the tightness to go down as he faced them. A hug for the wife, a handshake for the husband. Eye contact was hard when all he wanted was touch his cock again.

He prayed she wanted to stand in front of him or a similar pose but he wasn’t so lucky. They had paid for two pictures so two they would get. The first was easy, though it was painful to kneel, he was able to mask his manhood when he held out a supplied black velvet ring box to the wife while her husband stood glaring from the side. Pictures of a mock proposal, how classy.

Standing was a relief. It felt like the pressure from kneeling in his jeans was going to crush his cock. It was painful but did nothing to calm the hardness. He couldn’t be so lucky.

The second photo was simple. Tom would sling an arm around each of them and they would hold him. Smile into the camera and pray that whoever was in charge of photo editing would do something about the very clear erection that would show up.

“One second.” The photographer called out, turning to the computer. “It came out weird- going to retake it.”

“Don’t think about how well I sucked your cock.” That velvet voice came in his ear.

“What?” Tom choked on the word.

“Almost ready.” The photographer called out.

He could feel those phantom hands on him again, nails tracing under his shirt. He hadn’t thought it was possible to get any harder. An unseen palm ran down his thigh, over his cock and he struggled not to moan. Whatever it was he was feeling, surely a hallucination for lack of food and too much work, it was going to make him come in his pants.

“Alright. We’re good.” The photographer announced and Tom tried to focus on him. He was an older man who looked to be on deaths door. It was far better to focus on him than the way the phantom hands felt.

“Remember how good it felt to fuck my mouth?” The voice asked and Tom told himself again and again that he had been alone in the bathroom. There hadn’t been a woman in there with him and she wasn’t there now. He told himself she wasn’t real even as his stomach tightened and he spilled into his pants.

Luke was going to kill him.

~~~~~<3

Tom slipped into the back of the black SUV and pretended to listen to Luke. He looked forward to nothing more than getting back to the hotel and locking himself away for a shower. Once he washed away the shame of the day, he needed to go out to a club. He needed to find someone who wouldn’t mind never speaking of the night again and taking her back to his room.

“You listening at all?” Luke sounded exasperated. The day hadn’t even made it to a close without people noticing he was a bit out of sorts and picking him apart in pictures. There were rumors that he was aroused in them and Luke was wanting to know why it looked that way.

“I’m sorry.” Tom sighed. “Must be coming down with something. Head’s not on right.”

“Well get your ‘head’ straightened out.” Luke’s words were heavy with warning. He would not be pleased if this happened again and Tom understood. It was a PR nightmare.

“Yep. Understood. Night.” Tom didn’t wait for Luke when the car rolled to a stop.

The last thing he needed was to risk Luke noticing that his… situation hadn’t improved. The whole drive, Tom had to sit suffering while trying so hard not to fidget in his seat. That thing he had felt coiling around his leg was back. It had been for a while but at this point it was painfully high on his thigh, rubbing against his stiffness.

Grabbing the first elevator he saw, he was thankful for the empty car and Luke being slowed down by a group of guests leaving the building. Tom took deep breaths as he waited for his floor. That feeling was coiled around his member now, pulsating and he rubbed it through his jeans, cameras be damned.

The moment the doors slipped open, he was jogging down the hall. It took three tries to get the card reader to let him in. The moment the light turned green, he opened the door while working his belt opened.

There was an urgency in his mind that he couldn’t explain but he needed to be free from his clothes right away. He needed them off. Before the door had even clicked shut behind him, he had yanked his jumper up and over his head and kicked his feet free from his boots. Tossing it aside, he pulled his belt off the loops and sent it across the room without care or thought to where it would land or what it would hit. Warm hands slipped around his back as he unbuttoned his jeans, sending a bolt of adrenaline through him and snapping him out of the fever.

“Who are you?” Whirling around, he came face to face with the woman he had seen in the bathroom. “You’re not real.”

Her hips swayed as she seductively closed the distance, coming close enough to walk her red painted nails up his abdomen “Do I not feel real?”

“What are you?” He backed away but she only stepped forward, refusing to allow him to put any distance between them.

“Whatever you want me to be.” She answered, her voice honey sweet. “And whoever your wish me to be. Your deepest desires, darkest wants, let me grant them.”

Before Tom’s eyes, her form shimmered and shifted until the woman standing before him was one he had known before. She was taller now and hair a mess of blonde and ironed flat. Wide eyes were full of innocence and ocean blue looked up at him. He knew it wasn’t her. She had grown and chanced since they had been together, she had moved on as had he. She didn’t want him anymore and he didn’t want her.

Yet, in that exact moment, he wanted her more than he had ever before.

“What the bloody hell are you?” He demanded, stepping back.

She reached out and hooked a long finger in the waist band of his jeans even as her form again shifted and shimmered. Violet eyes looked up at him once again as her finger traced the line of his underwear.

“I’m what I am. And right now, I am hungry and-” Her finger dropped down, tracking down the front of his pants, along the zipper and down the hardness straining against his thigh. “judging from this, you are too.”

“Don’t touch me.” Tom forced out, stepping away and this time, she didn’t chase him. “Leave me alone.”

“You don’t actually want that.” She turned and meandered through his hotel room as if she belonged there, completely unconcerned. “I was summoned, sent for you. I cannot change that, nor can you. My purpose must be completed, so you may as well enjoy it.”

“Summoned?” Tom attempted to put the bed between them.

“It matters not.” She shook her head and Tom watched mesmerized as her waves of red hair moved as if liquid fire. “You want me and until you have me, you’ll not be satisfied. Have I not shown you that already? Why fight it? Just come to me. Give yourself to me.”

“You where there.” He needed to leave. This was wrong. She wasn’t human. It was insanity.

“In the bathroom? Oh you tasted so good, using my throat.” A moan slipped out of her as she tilted her head back, running her fingers down her exposed neck. It was milky white and begging for him to leave his mark on it.

“Leave.” He demanded again. His voice louder now.

“I was there, during the photos too. You heard me.” Her tail was swaying out behind her and Tom was very sure that a tail was exactly what it was. The small horns on her head were real. She was real and Tom vowed to go to church weekly from here on out. She was a demon and she was here for him, though he had no understanding about why. “You felt me. Oh what a dirty man you were, letting me work over your cock while you stood for photos with your adoring fans.”

“You did that!” He yelled. “It’s my career, not a game for your sick amusement. Leave me alone!” He was roaring now, praying that someone would hear, come and save him from whatever demon this was.

“I did.” She purred, stepping closer to him once again as he made a move for the door. Turning, he took his eyes off her for a moment and in that instant, he found her leaning against the door. It couldn’t be possible for her to be there already but somehow, she was.

“How?” He stuttered out, backing away from her a few steps. Each step took him closer to the bed and each step was harder to make. Absently, he reached down intending to pull his jeans up and button them but instead he ran his palm over his straining cock.

“Was it hard,” She purred, stepping forward as his eyes roamed her chest for a moment before darting around the room, looking for a way out. “to keep from moaning when you came in your pants? Right in front of a camera too!”

She brought her hand to her mouth to hide the giggle that slipped out. Again, Tom ran his palm over his cock, trapped in his pants. His mind reminded him how good her mouth had looked, wrapped around him while she knelt on the bathroom floor.

He hadn’t seen her move but she was before him again, slipping her hand under his. Long fingers wrapped around him, gripping his cock as best she could through the jeans and this time, he couldn’t contain the moan that slipped from his parted lips.

“You want me.” She purred, slipping for a moment into the skin of a woman he had dated so long ago. Brown hair and eyes were highlighted by perfect makeup. The next instant she was in the form of a girl, the one he had lusted over as a school boy before once again slipping into her own skin.

“Don’t do that.” He pleaded as a shuddering breath escaped him. He wanted to back away but couldn’t.

“Those forms do little for you.” She signed only to have her red lips curl up in a smirk. “No, I think you’re far more naughty than I give you credit for. One taste me from what, over a year ago and now it’s only me you want.”

“How?” He tried to make his feet move as she began to run her nails over him, lightly scratching and tracing the contours of his muscles.

“I’m what I am.” She purred her non-answer and Tom tried to challenge it. The longer this went on, the more he was urged to question why he cared. He had a plan, coming into his hotel to have a wank and go to a club, find a woman. Was this really that different?

“You can turn me down, if you wish.” As her nail traced over his nipple, he wondered if that was really true. “Seek satisfaction from another. Give it to yourself. But it won’t be the same.”

“What do you mean.” His voice was shaking and heavy. She was so close, he could smell her. It was a scent, heavy with smoke.

“I think you know.” Her nail again trailed low, down his torso until it caught in the valley where the zipper to his jeans had slowly began to work its way down. “You won’t find satisfaction from another. You’ll be haunted with want, need until you call for me yourself. And I can wait- I’ve got all the time in the world and while I hunger for you again, I can sustain myself on the memory of our last meeting. Do you really wish to do that to yourself?”

She sank to her knees, looking up at him with those bright violet eyes. He couldn’t even begin to deny how good she looked on her knees before him, breasts pushed up by the corset she wore. Fingers ran over his abdomen as she leaned forward, pink tongue darting out only to run along the covered length of his cock. He wanted to push his hands through her hair and take her but this was wrong.

“No.” He groaned.

It very much sounded like a ‘yes’ to her. Lilith leaned forward on her knees and pulled the tiny metal tab to his zipper between her too perfect teeth and inched it down. Running her hands down his hips, she pushed the thick fabric down his thighs and though he couldn’t understand how, his boxers fell with them.

His cock sprang free and she looked greedily upon it. She’d had many grand meals in her days. She’d been around for a long time, since the dawn of mankind. She’d seen men rise and fall. King and Queens both have fed her soul and welcomed her to their beds. Noble knights and fierce generals sent her to distract those who did raise their ire. And yet in all her time, there were few men who sated her this the way this one did.

“You need to leave.” Tom said, though his voice was rough, strained with need and didn’t even sound convincing in his own ears.

Looking up at him, she batted those too bright eyes as she leaned forward, reaching out for his cock with the tip of a delicate pink tongue. Tom shuddered as she ran it up the underside of his cock. He balled his fists at his sides and swallowed a moan.

Lilith wasn’t one to be deterred and ran her tongue back down to the base of his cock. Without care of the sparse hairs, she dipped her tongue lower still, running down along his balls before pulling one inside her mouth. She teased it with her tongue before letting it pop back out.

“Leave.” It sounded like he had a mouth full of gravel in his throat. Though Lilith had meant it when she said she would leave him if he wished it, he had to actually want it with all his being. She smiled up at him, not finding him at all sure enough.

“You don’t want that.” Tom couldn’t contain the moan that was pulled from his throat when her tongue circled the head of his cock.

The sound only encouraged her to tease it more. She wanted him and he wanted her. It was only a matter of time before he gave in and took what she was offering. She pulled more of him onto her mouth, swirling her tongue around him. He tasted so very good as precum already leaked from the tip.

Reaching up, she ran her hands over his strong thighs and pulled herself to him. He shuffled back in response, still at war with his need and sanity. She followed on her knees, not letting him slip from her mouth.

She took more and more of him into her mouth, stopping when she felt him hit the back of her mouth. With wide eyes, she watched him as she pulled back until he popped free. His eyes were locked on her as she peppered his shaft with kitten licks. It was a matter of time before his resolve broke and she could see that moment quickly approaching.

Again, she slipped her head down his cock. There was no rush as she inched down, enjoying the smooth feel of him. Under her fingertips, she could feel muscle twitch and bunch with each swirl of her tongue and she silently begged him to give her what she craved.

As he hit the back of her throat, she moaned and every ounce of self restraint, every fiber of his sanity snapped. Before he had even realized, his fingers were tangled once again in the too smooth waves of her hair as he bucked harshly forward. She should have choked, part of him wanted her to choke. Maybe then she would leave.

She didn’t choke however. She didn’t so much as flinch. He could feel her throat tighten before relaxing, allowing him to slip deeper. She shouldn’t be able to breath with the way he lodged himself in her throat but she only looked up at him, wide glowing eyes begging for him to give her more.

Her nose nestled in the curls at the base of his cock and he held her there, fingers curled into a fist in her hair. Saliva trailed down from her lips, unable to swallow it around him. In a seductive show he was somehow sure was intended for him alone, it dripped from her chin and down onto the curves of her breasts.

Yanking her back off of him, he expected her to cry out. To finally understand that she needed to leave. If he took her, he would make her regret it.

Instead, she looked up at him and smiled. Somehow, her ruby red lips were not even smeared and Tom wondered if that was just the color they were.

“Give it to me. Give me more. Use me, like you want to.” She begged and Tom knew he shouldn’t consider doing exactly what she wanted.

Using the hand in her hair, he threw her back and away from him. “Get out.”

“You want me.” She purred, raising up to her hands and knees. “Take pleasure in me.”

As she crawled toward him, he couldn’t help but admire the way her back arched and the roundness of her ass. Still, when her fingertips reached up and grazed his thighs, he flinched from her.

She needed to leave. He needed her to leave. This wasn’t right. He didn’t want this, though every fiber of his being cried out for her. He should be pushing her away but instead, he was rooted in place. He was powerless as she slowly rose up on her knees, wrapping her fingers around his cock and licking the slit in his tip.

He didn’t think about it. He couldn’t keep thinking. He needed her to go but god did he not want her to leave. Once again, his hand was in her hair and he forced her down on his cock. It didn’t matter in the moment if she was ready or even willing to take his cock into her throat again.

She gladly accepted his cock with giddy glee as he forced it down her throat. She moaned around him as he pulled himself free. She gasped for air and held her mouth open for him. Again he slammed home. Each time, he pushed her down his length as she gripped his thighs.

When she would clench her throat around him, sputter and make a show of choking it only spurred him on. Her tail curled around, caressing his lower leg while she pulled tears into her eyes.

Oh yes, this man wanted a show. He wanted to feel in control even while his control was so very gone. She could let him think he was in control. In order to get him to give her what she needed, she could oh so gladly be what he wanted.

Spittle ran down her chin, dripping onto her chest and the ground as he worked himself, again and again into her mouth. This man, he didn’t want her to be someone else. He wanted her to be someone he could use and take from. She didn’t have to tell him that she was the one doing the actual taking.

There was little for her to do other than hold onto his thighs and allow herself to rock back on her knees with each thrust of his hips. His fist in her hair guided her head as he worked himself.

His rhythm faltered. Each thrust came more forceful. Forever, he would long to fuck a mouth again like he did hers and never would a human be able to take it. She expected that he would spill down her throat again but instead, he yanked her back.

White ropes poured from him as he came with a deep moan that resonated in her core. She looked up at him with those pleading eyes as he spilled his seed, uncaring for the way he left his mark on her neck, shoulders and chest. It was warm and sticky and everything Lilith wanted.

“There.” He was winded, panting breaths slipping from his chest. His eyes were clouded and foggy. Without a doubt, Lilith knew he thought he was in control but he was so very much under her power. “I’ve used you.”

“You have.” She purred as she ran her finger over the rope of cum just over the cup of her corset only to bring the digit to her mouth. He watched with dark eyes as she swirled her tongue around it, making a show out of cleaning it. A throaty moan slipped from her lips as she enjoyed the taste.

“I don’t need you anymore.”

“Except you do.” Reaching up, she cupped his balls with one hand. Rising on her knees, she nuzzled the base of his still hard cock.

“I don’t.”

“Than why are you still so very hard?” In a fluid motion, she was on her feet and once again dancing her fingertips over his abdomen and chest. Nails traced muscles in a seductive dance as he shuffled his feet, trying to buy himself some space to breath. His pants were still tangled around his ankles and he couldn’t do much but shuffle.

Lilith wasn’t one do be denied even if he thought for a moment that he had a choice in the matter. Fingertips walked up his chest as she wrapped her arm around his neck, drawing herself closer to him.

He was frozen in place. Under where she rested one hand, she could feel his heart pounding in his chest. Leaning into him, she let her head rest on his on his shoulder. If it wasn’t for him being naked, save for the pants around his ankles, and the way his seed was smearing onto his chest, it would have looked like a sweet moment between a couple.

When his cock, trapped between then twitched, she smiled. He did not reach out to hold her but she could feel his longing. It was subtle, when he shifted his hips against her but he couldn’t hide the gasp that escaped him at the slight friction.

He knew he needed more. He wanted more.

Darting her tongue out, she traced a line up his neck before capturing his ear between her teeth. When she pulled on it, he moaned and at his sides, his fingers flexed as he resisted the urge to grab her. That was fine by her.

Dragging her teeth, she pulled back until his earlobe popped from between her lips. She wasted no time in getting to work, kissing, nibbling and grazing his neck with her teeth. When she focused in on the spot, just below his ear she was rewarded with a deep moan.

Tiling his head to the side, he tried to put distance between her and the spot but it didn’t do any good. She chased it and kept working at it. While he was focused on her lips, he didn’t realize her hand began to roam until long fingers circled around his cock.

Two pumps, that was all it too for every doubt to no longer matter to him. His arms wrapped around her. Harshly, he tugged her lips from his neck so that he could devour them himself. It was a harsh kiss, forceful and full of nipping teeth.

Tom’s other hand set to work ripping at the laces holding her corset against her body. She worked his cock with her hand as she felt the corset fall away from her. His large hands, cold but strong quickly cupped her breasts. Fingers pinched and pulled at her nipples as Tom walked backward, pulling her along with him.

His legs made contact with the bed and he almost fell back. Wrapping his hands around her so impossibly perfect and thin waist, he lifted her and turned, tossing her on the bed. Kicking off his pants, he didn’t give her more than a few seconds to settle before climbing over her.

Taking a nipple, already standing at point for him, into his mouth, he pawed at her boots. They had looked so good, covering her legs but now he needed them off of her. It took three tries for him to get the zipper between his fingers.

One, than the other were tossed to the side. Tom didn’t even register the sound of glass breaking as one boot landed on the dresser, pushing a glass to the floor where it shattered.

She reached out for him, wanting to touch him. Though she was well able to feel his need, feed of that need she wanted more. So much more. Harshly, he shoved her hands aside as he sat up.

“Bloody hell.” He mumbled in moment of clarity while he ran a hand through his hair. He took in everything about her. Her tail curled and twisted along the bed. Pale skin was marred by red circles left by his too harsh grip.

He watched as she ran her hand over her stomach and up, cupping her breast. Tilting her head back, she let out a moan as she pinched her nipple. He was frozen in place as he watched her run her teeth over her lip. Never in his life had he wanted a woman as bad as he wanted her.

When he ripped her pants down her legs, the sound of ripping fabric was drowned out by her velvet moans and his panting breaths. It didn’t matter to her and it so clearly didn’t matter to him in that moment.

His hands were harsh when he slipped them under he thighs and pulled her legs apart. Fingers dipped between her lips as his palm cupped her mound. With a moan, she arched her hips into his touch.

When he withdrew his hand, she whined. Tom brought his hand to his lips and found her taste to be so much more intoxicating than anything he could remember having. Leaning forward, he knelt at her core.

As he ran his tongue up her slit, she squirmed on the bed. With a firm hand, he held her down, stilling her hips as he lapped at her. Fingers slipped deep inside as her worked his tongue over her clit.

He worked her close to her orgasm only to withdraw at the last moment. It was beyond clear as she gazed up at him with heavy eyes that he was enjoying the power he thought he had over her. That was just as well.

Reaching out, she grabbed his cock and pumped him. Yes, it was best to keep him distracted by need so he wouldn’t think too much. It did the trick and he worked his way up her body. He left a trail of kisses and nips as he worked, moving onto a new spot only when red was blooming where he was.

He lined up with her entrance and without care or consideration for her comfort, he pushed himself inside. She arched her back below him, letting out a deep moan that was perhaps the most honest sound to leave her lips all day. All it had done was pull a matching moan from him.

She was wet and clamping around his cock. The wet heat was something he remembered from the last time he was buried within her. It was a burning heat that he had never felt with another. It was the most intoxicating thing, more so than even her taste.

Arms and legs hooked around him as she rocked her hips, urging him to move the moment he was fully seated inside. It didn’t take much to urge him into action. Running her hands over him, his chest, shoulders and back, she urged him on with touch and words both.

He moved over her, inside of her. As her nails scratched down his back, she pulled a needy moan from him. It was the most glorious of sounds. The pure sexual energy in that sound alone would sustain her for a month. Sill, she wanted more. That was part of her curse, she was always going to want more. Crave it. Need it.

“More.” She pleaded and he pushed her legs up higher along his waist, hitting deeper and drawing a cry from her as his reward.

He couldn’t seem to get enough of her. She looked so damned good, under him. Red hair was spread out on the bed, looking so much like flame. The whip like tail reached around her to caress the back of his thighs. The feeling was one that he couldn’t even begin to understand but he loved it just the same.

She begged for more and he craved it just as much, perhaps even more so. It seemed as if warmth spread out from her fingertips as she ran her hands through his hair. It only added to the impossible fire raging within him. It made no sense but she was simultaneously the source of the fire and the only thing that could put it out.

Running his hand up one of her arms, he caught her hand and pulled it from him. With a shift of his weight, he pinned it to the mattress after catching the other. Her wrists were so small that he was able to keep them captive with one of his hands, leaving the other free to roam her taught body.

She whimpered and begged for him, fingertips flexing as more of his weight settled on her wrist. He didn’t spare so much as a thought to if he was hurting her. She wasn’t complaining and that was good enough for him.

His free hand roamed her body as he worked himself into her, again and again. Pinching fingers tugged and twisted at her nipple and gripped her breast. Fingers dug into the soft skin with bruising force that pulled gasping moans from her throat.

Fingers trailed down, lower and lower. They gripped her side, then her thighs as he pulled them even higher up along his side. Leaning back, he hooked her legs over his shoulders. The change allowed him to hit deeper, harder as he dragged her arms down from over her head to being pinned at her side.

One arm crossed over her body, pushing her breast up in the most delectable way. He held her tightly, uncaring of her pleasure as he roughly fucked into her. The way her breasts bounced with each slap of his hips into her, they jerked as the shock wave pushed her up toward the head of the bed. His firm grip pulled her back toward him, each time.

While he wasn’t going out of his way to offer her pleasure, she seemed to be taking plenty from him. Her moans filled the room as he finally decided it was time for her to come apart. She’d made him come in the bathroom. She’d made him come in his pants like a boy. It was time he made her come.

Fingers played over that little nub of nerves and she squirmed under him with renewed fever. The moans that slipped from her lips sounded harsher, more honest and drew his mouth into a lustful smile. She had acted as if she had all the control but look at her squirm under his touch. Look at how her back arched and her breasts bounced.

He could feel her wet cunt tightening, gripping his cock. Against his hips, her thighs trembled. He could feel her whole body winding tight under his ministrations. He worked his fingers over her, though her slick all while never letting his pace slow.

The moan that left her in the moment where the spring snapped was something Tom would always crave to hear again. She clutched him impossibly tight as he watched muscles contract and spasm, powered by the force of her orgasm.

Tom pulled himself from her even as she still was contracting around him, uncaring about how she whined at the lose of him or the stimulation he provided. Strong hands pulled her up, forced her to roll to her knees. It didn’t matter to him if she was comfortable when he slammed back inside of her from behind.

Fingertips gripped her hips, dug into her as he moved. Each time he withdrew was painfully slow and yet each thrust forward was harsh. The force sent her rocking forward. It was difficult to remain on her hands and her elbows buckled. Tom didn’t give it any thought as his pace increased.

With her head resting on the bed, he found he rather liked that sight. It dismayed him when she found her hands and went to push herself up. He couldn’t have that. He wasn’t done taking her in such a barbaric way. As she began to push herself up on her hands, his palm rested center between her shoulder blades and pushed her down.

With her pinned in place, he was able to take his other hand off her hip, gripping the headboard. It was close now. So close. Just a little bit more. When the force of the thrusts rocked the bed, pinching his fingers between the headboard and the wall, he realized he needed to change positions. He had something to give her, something she was drawing from him in a way he couldn’t even begin to understand. All he knew is he had to give it to her. He had to surrender it to her.

Wrapping his fist in her hair, he pulled her up on her knees. If it hurt her or not didn’t cross his mind in the moment but the action only pulled a throaty moan from her lips.

“Harder.” She panted, struggling to hold herself right.

He complied, wrapping one arm around her and circling her his hand around to cup her breast. The soft mound jiggled and moved in his hand with each harsh thrust. His fingers let her liquid smooth hair slip free as her head rolled back, resting on his chest.

He looked down at her, watched the way her body moved against his as he ran his now free hand over her shoulder. Her slick had coated his thighs and he could see where it glistened on her.

After harshly pinching a nipple, he trailed his hand down and let his fingers slip through her sopping folds. She was so maddeningly wet that his fingers were able to glide effortlessly over her clit. Deep throaty moans left her as she reached up, hooking her arms around his neck behind her.

Capturing his ear between her lips, she gave it a harsh suck after running her tongue over the lobe. Panting pleas for more passed from her lips to his ear as his fingers found the base of her neck.

“More.” She cried as she sank her teeth into his neck, leaving a bruising bite behind. “More.” She begged as she sucked at the mark, just below his ear. “More.”

And he was more than willing to give it to her. His fingers wrapped around her neck and he squeezed, just enough to feel the power of the position rush over him, rush through him.

Even in that moment, deep in the back of his mind, something was screaming at him that he wasn’t in control, that he didn’t want this. Yet, never once had he felt as in control of a moment as he did right then.

“More.” This time it was he that panted the word in a voice he hardly recognized as his one. “So close.”

She sucked at that spot again and a garbled moan left him. It felt like the world shattered as his rhythm stuttered and stilled. He spilled inside her, uncaring of the potential repercussions. Deep, shuddering breaths passed into his chest as he held her pinned against him. A purr like moan slipped from her lips as it felt like every ounce of energy was drained from him.

She was so soft, so warm against him that when his hand slipped from her neck, it wrapped around her waist. He fell to the bed, holding her to him as they landed on their sides. She made no effort to move away as sleep quickly claimed in while he was still seated within her.

When she did get up, she made no effort to keep the mess spilling from her off the bed. Let him see it and be reminded of what they had done. He shifted as she left his embrace, fingers flexing and searching but did not wake.

He wouldn’t wake for some time. She had done as she was summoned to do and drained him of all he had to offer. Standing over him, uncaring of the window with it’s open curtains, she watched him sleep. His neck was marred with her mark and that pleased her.

She was so very fond of this meal. Whatever he had done to have someone summon her to him twice now, she was thankful for it. With one last parting look, she ran her fingers through her hair and straightened the mess he had made of it.

Grabbing his jumper from the ground, she slipped it over her head and took joy in the comfort of the soft fabric, worn thin with age. Nipples poked at the thin fabric as it clung to her, draping off her chest and falling down over her hips. The hem caressed her thigh. It wasn’t often that she took prizes but she was rather fond of this meal.

She thought about putting her pants on but decided against it. Standing in front of the mirror, she fluffed the roots of her hair and pulled her tail up under the shirt, wrapping it around her waist. Red marks littered her neck, exposed shoulder and chest.

A sly smirk crossed her lips as she turned back and walked to the bed, uncaring of the glass under her feet. It didn’t hurt her. Nothing could hurt her anymore. Leaning down, she kissed him softly on his red, parted lips. For a moment, she nuzzled into his neck, thankful for the meal he had provided her.

Looking out around the room. Lights shined through the lacy curtains. The heavier drapes had been left open, probably to offer light and warmth. It was late and Lilith spared him one last glance as she turned off the lights and stepped out of the room. Her boots, corset, pants and panties were all left where they lay. Stepping into the hall in nothing but his jumper, she pulled the door closed behind her.

“Isn’t that the room Tom Hiddleston went into yesterday?” A hushed voice from down the hall drew her attention. Lilith looked to the women, clearly guests of the hotel who had been on their way back to their room from the pool. “That looks like his shirt too.”

Lilith smiled at them and held her head high as she walled down the hall toward them. She may have been wearing nothing more than his shirt, she may have been walking with bare feet but still she walked with all the command of the goddess she had been born to be.

~~~~~<3

Tom’s mind swam as there was pounding at the hotel door. He wanted nothing more than to sleep for a year. Maybe two.

“I’m coming in, dammit!” Luke’s voice cut through the fog and Tom wondered why the fuck Luke was miffed at what felt like the middle of the night. Sleep fogged his mind and Tom dozed more.

The door opened and the man came storming into the room. “Christ! You could have covered up!” A pillow crashed into Tom’s crotch, making him realize that he was in fact very naked. It felt like he had aged fifty years. “What the bloody hell happened to the glass? You know what, I don’t give a shit. Why are you not dressed? Why are you still asleep, for that matter? You were to be at the convention hall over an hour ago!”

Luke was on a full tangent as Tom sat up.

“Bloody hell, what did you let her do to your neck?! There’s no way to cover that!”

“Let who do to my what?” Tom ran his hand through his hair as he held the pillow to his crotch, fighting to right his mind.

“The woman I assume this corset goes to.” Luke picked up the offending item of clothing and tossed it to Tom in disgust. “Where is she?”

“I don’t…”

“She’s not here.” Luke announced, peeking into the bathroom and finding it empty. “Get dressed. Casual today. And do try not to get too excited to have your picture taken today- I’ve not cleaned up THAT mess yet.”

“What are you talking about?” Tom couldn’t keep up, even as he struggled into a clean pair of boxers after making his way to the bathroom.

“Oh? You’ve been too busy sleeping off what I can only imagine was a hell of a bender to get my messages?” Luke raged. In truth, he was beyond surprised, frustrated and confused by the actions of his long time friend and client. “In the pictures from the last hour yesterday, you had a clear boner. Please do try not to repeat it, ever.”

Tom settled in to spend the ride to day two of the convention while Luke lectured every spare moment. He deserved every harsh word and more as pictures surfaced of a the redheaded woman slipping out of his room. She was wearing nothing but his trademark blue jumper. In the pictures, she looked nothing but perfectly human. Tom struggled to understand his memories of what had happened, few though they were as Luke demanded to know who she was.

~~~~~<3

Tag list:

@theoneanna, @alexakeyloveloki, @winterisakiller, @toozmanykids, @j-u-s-t-4, @missaphrodite23, @nonsensicalobsessions, @bambamwolf87, @tinchentitri, @xoxabs88xox, @queenoftheunderdark, @wegingerangelica, @myoxisbroken

#tom hiddleston smut #tom hiddleston x ofc #Tom Hiddleston X Original Character #tom hiddleston x original female character #tom hiddleston x oc #dub con #dubcon

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stephhannes · 4 years

Text

two years

nathan has been dead for as long as we were together.

every person that i’ve talked to, every book that i’ve read, every sign that i’ve seen has pointed to “the second year after losing a partner is the hardest.”

this year wasn’t easy- but at least it made sense (for a little bit). in all honesty, i didn’t think i’d see the second year. the first year was so draining. i was so directionless. at least this year, i dug my heels in somewhere and gave it my best shot. i moved out of my mom’s house, i got three jobs, i lost fifty pounds, i took some genuine steps forward.

it didn’t always feel like progress, though.

it hasn’t felt like progress until now, when i’m sitting down trying to collect all my thoughts from the year. this year has felt rocky. every step forward came with two steps backward- i moved out of my mom’s house, and then a couple of weeks later accidentally ran over a dog and had to deal with not having a car for a little over a month. i started consistently going to the gym, and then i majorly sprained my ankle when i fell down a flight of stairs at work, which left me unable to work out for a couple of months, (and then when i started going back, i re-sprained the ankle while literally just walking down a sidewalk). i was depressed, stressed, but surprisingly well-dressed (aka i got my first professional haircut in 6 years and discovered the joy of a wide-legged pant).

and then, of course a pandemic hit and i gained ten pounds back, moved back into my mom’s house and started making more money on unemployment than i could have ever even dreamed of from physically working my three jobs.

there are some days where i’m proud of myself for doing what i’ve done this year- but every time i find myself positive for an extended amount of time, the voice in the back of my head is there, ready to make me feel like it’s all for nothing. i’ve said it a million times- i’ve got my whole life ahead of me, and i don’t want it. not without nathan. it all feels empty.

i’m trying though, and as someone said one time- “it’s the thought that counts.”

+++

i wanted to keep those last couple of paragraphs in, because they’re also how i feel- but the other day i had a moment of clarity. i was reflecting on what august 3rd, 2018 looked like. and i remembered how proud nathan was of me for doing so many things that seem like the bare minimum to me now. i did all of my errands in one day without taking a week to accomplish a few tasks, i read a book, i cooked dinner, i showered. he was proud of me, because at that time, accomplishing those things was a major feat for me.

the version of myself i am now, in august 2020 has no issue doing those things. i find it very easy to set out on a list of action items and get them done within a day. i consistently cook dinner for myself, and actually really enjoy it now. i still maybe don’t shower as often as i should, but that’s just who i am at the core of my being, honestly. i’ve read 23 books so far this year, literally before writing this blog i sat down and read an entire novel. it’s hard to imagine that the period of time between moving to philly and nathan’s death was probably my rock bottom, but it really was. even on my worst days, in the middle of the worst weeks in the last two years, i haven’t been as dangerously depressed as i was back then.

+++

i keep accidentally telling people that i’m 23 years old when they ask my age. i think it’s because these last two years haven’t felt real. it’s weird, because the two years that nathan and i were together flew by so quickly. when he first moved to new york, we were dreading having to spend 9 months long-distance. we thought it would go by painfully slow, but it flew by.

and then our year in new york flew by.

we accomplished so much in those two years- three degrees between the two of us, living in three different states, undoing years of trauma, the usual.

time has seemed to stand still since he died. i laid in bed for a year, and then upgraded to laying in bed for only 16 hours a day for the second year.

i still haven’t figured out what i want to do, where i want to be, who i’m trying to become- and i think that’s contributing to the stagnation i’ve been feeling.

for years, being able to take care of nathan was a huge percentage of what i felt was my purpose. when we were in high school, my life revolved around dropping everything that was going on with me to be able to be there for him when he was struggling, on occasion he’d return the gesture.

when we were in college, and weren’t actively in each others’ lives, i grew up a lot. i discovered self-esteem, and learned how to be emotionally self-sufficient. as a child, i grew up lonely, and had always been pretty independent- in high school i let a little bit of that guard down to let nathan in, but in college i cemented my inability to accept help from other people. when nathan and i first started seriously talking again, i remember him trying to tiptoe around my feelings, and i was like “dude, i’m really not as sensitive as i was back in high school, you don’t have to treat me like a china doll, i can handle whatever you’re trying to say,” and i remember him responding with “you’re right. you’ve come a long way from that girl i met ten years ago.”

when we started dating, i resigned aspects of my personality. i tried to be more vulnerable. i tried to be less combative and defensive. when we got together, i changed my entire life for our relationship. i already had a job lined up for after graduation, but when we got together, i immediately gave it up to commit to move to new york after i graduated- to be with nathan and support him through grad school. i remember the day he told me that he wouldn’t do the same thing for me. and it hurt. realistically, i know that it made sense for us to base our life around his career- obviously, i could have found a job anywhere, and no matter where it was, i wouldn’t have made any money. obviously, it made sense for both of us to invest in his success over mine- but it was hard to recognize that i so easily gave up everything to support his goals, when he wouldn’t have done the same thing for me, and he was so easily able to say that to me. this came up a lot when we were talking about our plans for the future. when we moved to philly, i got an opportunity to interview for a dream job, and while i was so excited about it- nathan discouraged me from pursuing it- because it was in theatre, which meant working nights and weekends, which meant that our schedules would become incompatible and we would never see each other.

it was a valid point, so we compromised. i’d go into the second interview for the job, but negotiate different hours and if that didn’t pan out, i wouldn’t take the job. nathan died a couple of days before the interview so i guess that problem resolved itself.

it would be unfair for me to sit here and paint a picture of him never doing anything for me though, that’s not the truth. i remember being shocked when he decided to not move forward with pursuing a phd. it was partially because that was the way the cookie crumbled, but a huge part of that decision was because he wanted to be able to spend time with me, and he wouldn’t have been able to if he was in a phd program.

i don’t regret setting my goals aside for him, it made sense. but more importantly, that’s what i wanted to do. i wanted to do whatever i could to make sure he had everything he wanted. he deserved it.

but it’s been weird to recognize all the things i subconsciously stopped doing throughout our relationship. i used to dye my hair once a week- but i didn’t dye my hair the entire time we were in nyc. additionally, my hair was the longest it’d ever been since like 2007 while we were together. i used to have a quirky sense of style, but my outfits in nyc were pretty boring, even more boring once we moved to philly. i think part of that was influenced by the fact that when i moved to nyc i was only able to take one suitcase of clothes, and focused on basics that would be easily multipurposed, and i couldn’t afford to upkeep haircut/color myself anymore, but i think part of it was influenced by this inherent desire to not be unattractive to nathan. a few months ago, i got my nose pierced, which was something that was definitely not on the table when nathan and i were together- and now i think my only personality trait is having a pierced nose, i can’t imagine my face without it. a few weeks ago i straight up shaved off half of my hair. and like, yeah it looks stupid, but it’s so freeing to be able to look stupid without worrying about what anyone else has to say about it. i’ve never cared what people think about my style, which is obvious in the way that i wore cat sweaters to school every day senior year of high school, and literally just everything i did between the years of 2005 and 2009- but i did always care about what nathan thought.

it’s been strange re-discovering these things. it’s felt weird to rebuild my personality, my interests, my goals without nathan in the picture.

+++

i’m not saying that i’m a person that believes that ‘everything happens for a reason’ (mostly because i think that’s a cop-out. it’s easy to justify anything as ‘happening for a reason’ when there’s enough distance between the event and the outcomes) but hypothetically, if i were, it would make a lot of our relationship make sense.

i’ve always been thankful that we never dated in high school- we would have straight up destroyed each others’ lives. we were both super toxic, and immature, and it wouldn’t have ended well. of course, when i was 16 and things weren’t working out, i thought it was the end of the world- but in retrospect, the people that we were in high school weren’t romantically compatible. i think it’s really special that we were able to have a successful relationship after the 10 years of drama. i think that it’s really special that when we were apart, we grew up into two markedly different puzzle pieces that ended up fitting together perfectly. i think it’s really special that no matter what happened, no matter what city we were in, we always came back to each other periodically. no matter what.

when we got together, the timing wasn’t ideal- but it was the right time. we both knew that we would end up together at some point- i don’t think either of us would have been able to rest until it happened, and i think it’s really special that when we decided to take that chance, we didn’t know if things would work out, necessarily- but they did.

if i were to hypothetically believe that everything happens for a reason, i think it was a gift to me to be with someone that had already lost a partner. i learned a lot about differentiating between aspects of his personality that were genuinely who he was, and what was learned as a coping mechanism. i learned a lot about giving him space to grieve, how to be gentle with certain feelings and emotions. i learned a lot about how to push him to overcome trauma, but not push too far. all of that has given me a framework for what to expect and need from a partner in the future when i start seriously dating again.

if i thought that everything happened for a reason, the reason for our relationship was to teach me something. the difference between nathan and i was that he was a serial monogamist, constantly in a long-term relationship, and i was the exact opposite. by the time we got together, he’d been through the motions of dealing with someone for an extended period of time. and for me, our relationship was like a crash course in monogamy. moved in together as soon as we could, engaged on our 2nd anniversary. with the way that things panned out, i’m glad that we never took a break, that we moved quickly. i learned a lot about the importance of consistency and commitment.

but more importantly, i think our relationship was for him. it is infinitely heartbreaking to recognize that there are so many things that he will never get the chance to accomplish, so many things he’ll never see- but on the other hand of that, i watched him have a full character arc. it’s sad that he didn’t get to exist in this reality of being genuinely happy for longer, but i’m so grateful that he was able to rest there for a little while, at least. i’ll never forget all of the moments where he was so touched by me showing him what i thought of as just the bare minimum of human decency. there was one night that i stayed on the phone with him for 6 hours because he was having a bad night, and the next day he was so emotional because that was “the most loving thing” anyone’s ever done for him, but to me it was a no-brainer, of course i’m going to stay on the phone with you when you’re having a bad night, that’s what i’m here for. at the beginning of our relationship, he was nervous to be vulnerable around me, and every time he was scared to talk about something i’d have to remind him, “you’ve known me for 11 years, i’ve seen a lot, you’ve told me a lot, have i ever shamed you for anything you’d told me?” and he’d remember that, no, i’ve always been level-headed and understanding- and eventually we were able to work through things in a much more productive way.

i think a lot about all the things he was scared to talk to me about, and the thing i think about the most is that he was scared because someone in the past had given him reason to feel ashamed. i hate that for years, he felt like he had to compartmentalize himself.

and i remember after years of showing him this grace, of giving him all the space in the world to be exactly who he was- the day when i finally started seeing him sharing these parts of himself with people that weren’t me. i eventually started to see the walls he had built coming down, a brick at the time, but coming down nonetheless. and i was so proud.

it’s hard for me to let go of our relationship. i miss nathan every day- but i also have to keep reminding myself that i served my purpose. i did what i was supposed to do. i was a good, consistent partner. i loved him, and supported him, and gave him everything i could. the point of marriage is to stand by someone’s side until they die, and that’s exactly what i did. there’s nothing else i can do. our relationship was good, and it was short, but it was full of excitement and love and growth. it was everything that i dreamt of when i was 15 years old and had no idea what a relationship should look like. it was everything that i dreamt of when nathan and i were hesitant about trying to pursue a relationship.

it was everything.

+++

at a work training last year, we did an icebreaker where we paired up and randomly selected one question from a stack of prompts to answer and talk about with your partner. the question i got was “what’s the bravest thing you’ve ever done?”

prior to nathan’s death, i don’t think i’ve ever been brave. i’ve always been timid, bravery was never an outward expression for me- maybe there were moments where i was quietly brave, but i would have never described anything i’d done as brave.

my answer to the question was “oh, i guess probably when i had to give nathan cpr”

here’s the thing, honestly when i think about that day, and the subsequent weeks, i’m in shock at how capable i was. for the first time in my life, in the midst of a literal crisis, i was calm, and solution-oriented. that’s not who i am, i love to catastrophize about the tiniest things.

i wouldn’t have been able to do it without nathan. without his endless patience. without his ability to be both firm with me when i was letting my anxiety get ahold of me, yet gentle enough to not hurt my feelings. without the years of him believing in me, even when i didn’t believe in myself. we set each other up for success.

+++

i feel like there’s been a lot of negativity in this blog, which isn’t the impression i’m trying to leave. i’m gonna be honest with y’all- with all this free time in quarantine, i’ve found myself out here revisiting stages of grief that i left behind months ago just for funsies. except nothing about it is what i would describe as funsies. it’s been a lot of anger, and i think that’s why there’s this underlying bitterness in what i’ve been saying.

it’s easier to get angry, to try to distance myself from the relationship, to make it seem like things weren’t great because it’s infinitely harder to remember how much i loved nathan and how much love i have left within me to give to him.

i’ve found myself awake in the middle of the night, revisiting old arguments, thinking of all the things i wish i’d said, revisiting moments where i’d wished i’d shown a little more backbone, revisiting moments where i wish i’d been gentler, or quicker to apologize. the problem is that i’m a lot more emotionally intelligent now- but obviously it’s easy to be a genius when you have two years to reflect on things, to dive in, to unpack everything and analyze it.

when i spend time thinking about these shortcomings, obviously they find their way into my writing. that’s just the reality of trying to be a reliable narrator. not every character is perfect.

the only way i know how to keep nathan close to me, to keep him around is writing about the time we spent together. and the reality of it is, that time was tumultuous for a solid 7 years. it’s been weird trying to navigate the line of “what are things that i want to keep just for us, and what are things i’m ok with sharing publicly?” i have an enormous online footprint. i’ve been a public figure online for like 10 years. i’ve always been on social media. i’m fine with that for myself- but my relationship with nathan was private, especially once we actually started dating. when it came to our relationship, neither of us publicly shared much. for awhile after he died, part of me wanted to keep everything for myself- not let anyone in. but then i remembered this sentiment that nathan shared with me time and time again- “i just want everyone to know that i’m yours.”

the other day i was looking through old instagram posts, and the one i made for our engagement literally just said “y’all ever uhhhh...get engaged?” and that was it. and that felt completely appropriate. i’ve always been skeeved out when couples post overly romantic garbage on social media. what are you trying to prove? why is it so important to you for people who barely know you to read a post and know how ~madly in love~ you are? performativity in relationships makes me so uncomfortable, and i’m really thankful that neither nathan nor i were interested in that at all- people that didn’t know us didn’t get to make conclusions about our relationship, and the people that did know us were able to make their own conclusions based on how they saw us interacting with each other, or how we’d talk about each other to our friends when we weren’t in the same room together. all of that time that others spend on taking a good picture for instagram, or writing a perfect caption, or whatever was time that nathan and i got to have just for ourselves. we spent as much time together as we could.

my disdain of performativity runs even deeper than that, though. i’m even a little uncomfortable when a couples’ public wedding vows are too intimate. i always had two sets. there was the one that i read at nathan’s funeral- that was what i had planned on saying publicly at our wedding, but there was also another much more extensive letter that i was going to give to him privately.

i feel like when i made that engagement post on instagram and facebook, a lot of people were like “wow that seems sudden!” but everyone that really knew us was like “oh hell yeah, i’m surprised it took this long” my coworkers literally predicted my engagement before i had even considered that it was going to happen. when i left work early for our anniversary someone straight up was like “if you don’t come back on tuesday with a ring on your finger i’m sending you back home.” because they’d heard the way i talked about nathan, they’d seen us interact with each other. it made sense.

we made it a point to not actively talk shit about each other to anyone else. which i think was really helpful for me specifically, a person who loves to hold a grudge- every time he did something that mildly annoyed me, i wouldn’t just pop off and vent to whoever, i’d just talk to him about it and the issue would resolve itself. on bigger issues, i would talk to my close friends about it but never in a “my boyfriend sucks” kind of way, just in a “this is an issue i’ve been having and idk the best way to resolve it, what are your thoughts?” kind of way.

for some reason, it’s always surprised me when i realized that nathan actually talked about me when i wasn’t in the room. like, obviously he would, but it was always surprising to me. when i first met his friends, a couple of people were like “oh!!! we’ve heard so much about you.” and i was just like wow i didn’t think that you’d even know that i existed. sometimes when i’d show up to a party someone would be like “so i heard that (celebrity) showed up at your work the other day, how was that?” and i would be like how do you know these things about me, and then i’d remember that nathan was talking about me and it was always super heartwarming.

after nathan died, a few people mentioned some particularly nice things he’d said about me when i wasn’t in the room, and every time someone would mention something, i’d be like “wow! i can’t believe this man that obviously loves me also loves me when i’m not around!” it’s like i’m a baby that still hasn’t learned about object permanence.

+++

i feel bad for not writing more this year. excluding this blog, i’ve only posted twice since last august. a big reason for that is every time i sit down to try to write something, whether it be a facebook post on a significant anniversary, or a full-length blog, i get discouraged because for right now, i feel like i’ve said everything i can say. i feel like the first year after nathan died, i was great at being poignant and sharing these little insights and as more time passes, as these anniversaries come again, i don’t have a better way to say what i’ve already said.

the core of every post is the same- i miss nathan. i love nathan. and for as long as i can find ways to say it, i will.

most days, missing nathan feels the same. it’s a dull ache that’s always there, but that i’ve grown accustomed to, that i’ve grown to live with. on occasion, it’s a more acute pain. the other night, i cried because i had the thought, “i wonder if my cats miss nathan,” i think they do, but for some reason, that thought made missing him hurt a little more that day.

i still mostly only sleep on my side of the bed, but the other day i got upset because i realized that my full-sized mattress seemed small. it’s never felt like that before.

the first year of our relationship, we shared twin sized beds, and it never seemed too small, not even with the two of us. when we upgraded to a full, it felt huge, it seemed like there was so much space between us when we were on our respective sides- by the morning we always ended up on the same side, literally attached to each other. the other night i found myself not understanding how i’d lived with a twin sized mattress my entire life, i felt claustrophobic with just myself and my laptop in the bed. it was just another physical reminder of how different things are, how different my perspective is now that nathan is gone.

the world feels a lot smaller without nathan in it.

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bran-writes · 5 years

Text

OC Backstory Week 1: Family

Hey, glad to still be participating! If you want to check out this event and join in, go look at @yourocsbackstory‘s blog or the OC Backstory Masterpost

This week is family, and I’m continuing telling Sunny Keaton’s backstory in Farm Boy Blues. Here in this scene, Sunny meets his father for the first and last time since he left The Farm. Sunny’s just left NYC after a disaster with the organized crime family he’d been working for and he’s on his way to Dyson City- this is a few years before he gets his contracting license.

TW: Violence, repeated mentions of child abuse

Sunny wanted a cigarette. That’s all he dared to think about as he sat in the silent apartment. He didn’t actually have a good handle on why he was there, why he decided to break in to his father’s home and wait for him. He’d been five when Brian gave him up to The Farm. The only thing Sunny remembered about the man was being scared of him. Of being hit by him repeatedly. That memory had always stuck with him, even when he got to The Farm.

Six days out of New York City, and on his way to California, Sunny decided to check the address he’d gotten from a fixer in the city. If he was being honest with himself, he wasn’t expecting a warm reception, which is why he decided to break in anyways.

Might as well do it on my terms, Sunny had thought as he used the cloned security card he’d bought to open the apartment door, checking for cameras in the hallways and watching for witnesses.

Getting into the apartment easy enough, and Sunny satisfied his curiosity by looking through the man’s photos placed around the messy home, checking the usual places for hidden weapons, and just messing around a bit. He’d been nervous, and figured he’d gather more information while he passed the time. That was when he found the man’s porn stash. That was when Sunny considered calling the police. Or worse.

During his investigation, he’d also found the man’s hidden Commonwealth material- which probably meant his father still supported the fallen regime. When he was done looking around, he pulled his ski mask on and waited at the table in the small, cramped and smelly kitchen.

Sunny really wanted a cigarette. But from the smell in the apartment, he figured his father wasn’t a smoker. So that’d be the first thing he smelled when he walked in. Sunny didn’t want the man tipped off in the slightest.

An hour went by while Sunny sat in silence, trying to stamp down his anger as it bubbled up in his chest. The teenager had thought about this moment for a long time. The memory that kept coming back to Sunny of him laying on the floor of his childhood bedroom while his father’s boot came crashing down on his side never strayed too far away from his consciousness. In fact, it had a funny way of popping up uninvited while he tried to sleep. He checked his watch and grunted. He was about to meet the man who gave him his earliest memories of being bullied, smacked around. He was about to meet the man who handed him over to The Farm. And after everything that’d happened, Sunny had a lot of anger he never felt comfortable unleashing on anyone else. That was about to change.

Right on time, just as had happened the previous two days when Sunny staked out the apartment, the boy heard his father coming home. The door’s key card reader chimed and Sunny’s heart pounded in his chest, the back of his neck tingling. He sat completely still, hand gripping the pistol tucked into the back of his belt.

Brian Somers walked into the living room, tossing a duffel bag onto his couch. Sunny stared intently at the man, who had yet to even spot him, and almost groaned in disgust. He looked thin and stretched- clearly still on drugs, which is how the fixer found him in the first place.

Look at this piece of shit. Why are you even here? Sunny asked himself. It was too late to back out now, and part of Sunny was hungry for this confrontation. He stood up in the darkness of the kitchen right as Brian turned his couch-side lamp on. The man jumped as he turned and saw Sunny, standing stock still and glaring at him from under the black ski mask.

“Jesus Christ!”

Brian spun to run back towards the door, but Sunny was faster. In a fluid motion, the teenager scooped up the chair he’d just been sitting in and hurled it across both rooms, smacking the man in the back. Before his father could even get up, Sunny was closing the space between them. He barely had time to notice Brian fumbling for something under the recliner in the living room.

Nice, Sunny, he thought to himself, you forgot to check under the damn chair!

Sunny had just enough time to side-step the first blast from his father’s sawed-off shotgun that tore the air in the room with a deafening blast. By the time the man racked another round in, Sunny reached forward and smacked the barrel away, the second shot peppering the wall.

Wrenching the shotgun out of Brian’s hand, Sunny reared back and smacked him with the handle of it. While his father yelled out in pain, Sunny tossed the gun onto the couch before descending on the crawling man, whose desperation had just gone up a few notches.

Sunny straddled his father and punched him repeatedly in the kidneys. His strikes were accurate and swift- a product of his training at The Farm. Brian hollered out in pain and tried to buck the teenager off him, almost sending them both into the coffee table.

Not intent on drawing this out any longer than he had to, Sunny grabbed his father by the shoulder and flipped him over. He pulled his Beretta from his belt and whipped the man across the jaw with the short barrel.

“Fuck!”

“Hold still before I plug you,” Sunny almost screamed. Surprisingly, Brian stopped struggling.

“Look, I told Eckhart I’d have his money by the end of the week! He promised me I had till the end of the week!”

Brian looked panicked. Sunny stared at him from under the mask, studied his gaunt, leathery face. The boy couldn’t help but see himself in his father’s visage. He looked too much like Sunny(although a ghoulish, druggie version of Sunny) for the boy to ignore.

The only word Sunny could muster in his mind to describe his father, sprawled out on the carpet beneath him, was “Pathetic.” He tore his mask off and stuffed it in his pocket. When the man got a good look at him, his eyes widened. “Oh God, no!”

Brian tried to struggle again, chanting, “No, no, no,” repeatedly. Sunny gripped the man’s throat and brandished his pistol.

“Hey, hey! Stop moving, or you’re dead. Now open your mouth.” The man stared up in horror for a moment too long. Sunny put the barrel of the pistol against Brian’s sweating forehead. “I’m not gonna tell you again. Open your mouth before I knock your teeth out.”

Now sobbing, the man opened his mouth, quivering. Sunny stuck the barrel of his Beretta between his father’s teeth and the man sobbed harder. “You can close your mouth now. I’m going to ask you some questions and I want you to answer them with a nod or a shake. Got it?”

The man nodded.

“Good,” Sunny mumbled, adjusting his knees so they securely pinned the man’s arms to the floor. “You recognize me?”

Nod.

“Do you know why I’m here?”

Brian shook his head, eyes furrowed. “I’m here because for some reason, no matter how hard I try, I can’t forget what you did to me. How you used to treat me. Do you remember that?”

The man froze, eyes locked on Sunny. He even stopped crying for a moment. Of course, he didn’t want to admit it. The man probably assumed his son was too young to remember. Sunny pulled the hammer of his pistol back with a satisfying and heavy click.

“Answer my goddamn question.”

Brian nodded slowly.

“Good. It’s funny,” Sunny sniffed, “After everything they did to me at The Farm, after everything they made me do, I never forgot you. I never forgot how you tried to beat any kind of hope out of me. The funny part is, that made me want it even more. Do you want to know what they made me do at The Farm?”

The man shook his head.

“I thought so. You were ‘man’ enough to give me up, but not ‘man’ enough to face what they did. I figure that’s why you never looked for me after The Commonwealth fell. Did you have any idea what happened to me? Where I was?”

Again, Brian shook his head, breathing heavily.

“Figured that too. I should paint your fucking carpet right now for what you did. You are, and I can’t say it loud enough, human garbage. Do you know that?”

Hesitantly, the man nodded. Sunny thumbed the hammer release and watched it snap forward. Brian jumped in surprise and groaned. Satisfied, Sunny pulled the gun from his father’s mouth and scooted away from him, backing against the couch.

Brian crawled to the recliner and held his sides trying to catch his breath. He coughed up some sick looking liquid that made Sunny want to wretch before leaning against the giant chair, eyeing his son.

“What are you going to do?”

“About you? I thought about just doing you and letting somebody to find the body,” Sunny shrugged, “until I found that porn in your room. Did you take those photos?”

Brian didn’t look his son in the eye, but slumped down against the recliner. Sunny pointed the gun at him. “Just keep your hands where I can see them and answer the question.”

The man raised his hands and nodded, “Yeah, yeah, they’re mine. I took ‘em.”

“Are those women still alive?”

“What? Oh, yeah they agreed to all that. It’s part of this club I’m in, they’ve got… They’ve got pictures of me like that too, it’s what we like.”

Sunny rolled his eyes, not welcoming the images of what he’d seen with his father as the center piece. Watching his father’s expressions, the way he held himself, Sunny could tell he wasn’t lying. “You’re not worth the bullet, I decided. I actually want to have a life, I want to do something with it. I just killed a dozen or so mob enforcers in New York who tried to fuck me over, I can’t afford another body on me.”

Brian looked relieved at first, until he registered what Sunny said about New York. “The New York mob? Is that how you found me?”

“Don’t worry about how I found you,” Sunny narrowed his eyes. “The question is, how I leave you.”

“You said you weren’t going to kill me…”

“That’s right,” Sunny stood up, “that doesn’t mean I’m not looking to return some more of that good ole’ abuse you gave me.”

“Now, son, listen,” Brian held his hands up in desperation, “I was a different man back then, I was hurt. And instead of getting help I passed that hurt on to you.”

“Yeah I know that, now give me your hand.”

“Son…”

“What did I tell you about asking twice? And don’t call me son,” Sunny said coldly was he got up and stood over his father. “Now give me. Your. Hand.”

Shaking, Brian held out his right hand.

“Your other one.”

“I need that for work, Con-”

“That’s not my name. I don’t ever want to hear you say it again. Now do what I told you, or shit’s about to get real weird in here.”

Brian gave Sunny his left hand- his dominant one. The fifteen year-old placed his father’s quivering hand on the coffee table. “I want you to think about this every time you remember me. I want you to think about this every time you read your little Commonwealth propaganda bullshit you got stashed away here.”

Sunny flipped the Beretta around, held it up in the air while the man squirmed, and brought the grip down hard.

Outside, the Pennsylvania fall air cooled the sweat on Sunny’s neck as he descended the apartment stairs. By the time he hit the bottom, a cigarette was jammed between his lips as his shoes slapped against the wet leaves on the ground. He made it all the way to the parking lot before he heard somebody behind him. Sunny stopped just as the person addressed him.

“Is he still alive?” Agent Ellis’ voiced was tinged with a note of curiosity.

“Yeah. I’m not a murderer, y’know.”

“So that wasn’t you who just left a trail of bodies behind you in New York?”

Sunny turned around, puffing the cigarette and eyeing the federal agent, amused at how this man knew so much but never seemed to catch him in the act. “Those were mob enforcers, Ellis. And I killed them in self defense.”

“Ah, okay, just making sure. You know that’s still a fucking shit storm They want to bring down on you, right?”

“So They sent you by yourself to bring me in?” Sunny arched an eyebrow.

“No, actually, They sent me with the hope that you wouldn’t get spooked and start a shoot out. The president is caught between a rock and a hard place. On one end, she has no intention of just locking a bunch of children up in a prison. On the other hand, we can’t go one month without one of you killing somebody, so…”

“So, I can’t control what the other kids are doing.”

“What are you doing?”

“Going to California.”

“Why?”

Sunny shrugged, “Figure I might be able to start over. Have a real life. Not have to look over my shoulder for the police, or feds, or crime syndicates.”

Grafton chuckled, rubbing the scar on his neck. He looked tired. “So you’re going straight?”

Sunny glanced at the sky above Agent Ellis’s head, the morning sun peaking out over the trees. It was a nice day already. He wanted to enjoy it. He wanted to enjoy every day he could, from now on. “Yep. Going straight.”

“In that case, I would be more than happy to escort you to California. Maybe it’ll be easier to place you in a home there, anyways.”

Sunny scoffed, “I never said I’m ready to be put in the system. I’ll be fine on my own. Better off, actually.”

Ellis sighed, “Sunny, you’re fifteen years old. I can’t just drop you off in Cali and wave bye as you saunter off into the sunset.”

“I’m sure we’ll have plenty of time to discuss that on the way to Dyson City. It’s a long drive…” Sunny shrugged, taking a drag from his cigarette. “So where’d you park?”

_______________________________________________________________________

Tag List:

@writerinafury @oneleggedflamingo @carmina-solis @anomaly00 @neirawrites @lnspired-insomniac

#Farm boy blues #yourocsbackstory #my wip

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cheeseandpoofies · 5 years

Text

If Only.

In which Shawn Mendes found himself loves his long time best friend.

warnings: none

It happened just like that, without any signs, or any warning that he could remember of. He found himself tried ignore the urge for loving Y/N, his long time friend. It started when he heard her voice, from the back of the wall of his hotel room. She was laughing over something he didn’t catch on, but he knew his heartbeat was beating faster than ever the moment she spoke. She walked in to greet him, with her hands still carrying her stuffs, casually get closer to him and wrapped her hands around his body.

“It’s been awhile, homeboy! You look more bulky, I must say.” She chirped with wide warm smile.

“Y-yeah, you still look like you were six months ago.”

Y/N laughed, so freely that he started to miss her carefree and bubbly side. “I wasn’t the one who’s a celebrity so, yeah, I am pretty much the same.”

He just came back from his long and packed tour, went to many places and cities around the world. He stopped by in New York for a while, attending Gala and taking some rest before touring again. Him and his team agreed on inviting some of his friends from Toronto to the party he holds in few days from now.

And of course, Y/N’s name is on the top of the list. She was his person ever since high school, she even went to his schedules some times. But she was a very ordinary person, not a part of his team, not even wanted to be in the spotlight, so she missed the occasions a lot.

Shawn walked her to her room, which she’s going to use with one of their mutual, Lila. But Lila took different flight and she hadn’t arrived yet. He took glances to see Y/N, watching her talking endlessly about her college and final term exam. She was glowing, he could see that. She was always a talker but he thought that this must be one of the happiest day of her life. He was glad, though. They were pretty close in high school that sometimes he joked she couldn’t live without him. But eventually he went bigger and she went busier, they couldn’t meet as much as they used to.

“I attended few classes but I fell on the third day, it was pretty bad. I had bruises all over my legs.” She talked as she put the card room on its place to open the door.

“You did what?” Shawn stopped walking and stared at his best friend as if she just dropped the most terrifying news to him.

“I fell, did you even listen to me the whole time, bulky?”

“I did, okay. Just making sure what I heard. So, you go to the hospital?”

“What? No! It wasn’t to the point I had to go to the hospital, my college has a clinic and that was enough.”

Shawn frowned by the way she explained things. It was her habit, trying not to go to hospital as long as she could get a treatment from somewhere else. She wasn’t so fond of the place and he knew that. Y/N ignored his look and decided to put her things as she kept talking.

“My fingers were bruised too, there were bloods but good thing is, I didn’t pass out. I guess I got better handling it.”

“God.. You’re so worrying.”

Shawn sat on the edge of the bed and taking her with him, “Come here.”

“What?”

“Come here, let me see your hands.”

She put her phone away and walked closer to him, letting him take her hand. He scanned her fingers with his eyes, looking a bit worried as there were some bruised left on there. There were silence between them for a minute. She took it as a chance to speak again.

“They’re fine, it doesn’t hurt anymore.”

Shawn let out a sigh and stared at her while looking not so happy. He knew what kind of a person she is, she refused to go to the hospital every time there was an accident happen, and she didn’t always honest what she felt. And it worried him so much.

“You should be more careful.”

“I am, really.”

“And you should be more honest with me. You Facetimed me almost every two days but you didn’t even tell me about this, not even our friends. I bet they didn’t tell me because you told them not to?”

She smiled softly, “Kind of, I didn’t want to make you worried while touring. I believe you were busy and tired yourself so talking about what made you even unhappier wasn’t a good thing.”

“Y/N--”

“Shawn, relax. Okay? I’m fine now. Shall we go outside already?”

He sighed again then nodding at her. “Let’s go.”

The story about her falling down in one of her classes definitely made him more protective to her. He already knew he was having battle with himself regarding what he actually feels. As much as he didn’t want to admit it wasn’t love, he knows it was more than just one worried about a friend’s safety. It was more than that.

He found himself enjoying her presence more than he should. When he prepared for the Gala, he had some press around his room, and his friends were outside the hotel on their own. They had their own plans to stroll around New York except her, or so he thought.

She walked inside his hotel few minutes before the people from magazine arrived, looking pretty with a flowery dress and sandals. “Hey,” she greeted him.

“Hey, where are you going?”

“Lila and I are going to Central Park today, she said this is the right time to enjoy New York City and everything’s around.” She said, while smiling widely to him.

He laughed, “What was that mean?”

“You know, guys” she winked, and she took out something from her sling bag.

His smile disappeared the moment she mentioned guys, he then remembered how Lila always talked about guys in America are the hotter than the ones in their hometown, it said they are the most attractive. Especially those who lived in NYC. Even though he hardly could agree, he found some of his acquaintance are good looking and freaking attractive as hell.

“Here, I forgot to give it to you since we didn’t have much time for ourselves, but here you go.”

“What’s this?” he asked, with his mind still lingering about what she just said, while receiving a velvety box on his hand. The box was rather small, but it was a bit heavy made his expectation went up high.

“See it yourself, but! Don’t open it now, wait until I left.”

“Y/N, this..”

“I know it’s not your birthday, but let me give you something. I hadn’t give you anything since two years ago, which is why I’m sorry. And this is not the fanciest thing for you but I hope it met your expectation.”

He didn’t know what to say. She wasn’t a full of surprise person but this time she did surprise him. She had a rough year last year regarding her college, and he stayed in the States more than he was previous year. They only met a couple of times in total, and he knew it kept bugging her mind.

“You always met expectation, Y/N.”

She chuckled. “Whatever you say, Mendes. I’m going now. See you tomorrow!”

He waited until she left the room, and rushed opening the box. He then found himself staring at a leather wrist watch, the brown coloured leather giving off classy look but the gold metal on the watch made it more elegant, and fancier. It wasn’t like what she said--not the fanciest thing--for him, this was the fanciest thing he’d ever received from a friend.

And it was from her, on top of that. Little did he knew, he had both of his cheeks warmed and blushed by the thought of her thinking of giving him such a present.

For the past days, Shawn couldn’t take his eyes off of her. He had few days free from schedules and decided to stroll around the city with his old circle friends, along with Brian, Connor, Liv and even Alessia. They went to Central Park together, had a breakfast there.

Both Shawn and Y/N were always next to each other all the time, as if they were glued. Shawn took this chance to make a move, slightly bolder as he's being eager to be with her.

"I forgot to bring my camera," she let out a sigh, leaning to the tree as she watched the others taking pictures of each other.

"I have mine, let me take a picture of you." Shawn smiled, took out his camera and pressed the snap button before she could even complain.

"Heyㅡ"

"You need to see your own face, it's hilarious." Shawn laughed as he took down his camera and take a few step back.

"Delete that."

"I can't, baby."

"Shawn," she groaned. "Don't take a picture of me ever again."

"You are gorgeous today, sweetheart. Let me take some more of you," he snapped, again, and again.

She wasn't happy at first but ended up laughing as Shawn keep guiding her to make a great pose.

"Stay there, don't move."

She sighed, but listened and stayed still anyway. She let him take another shot of her before finally seemed like he finished. "Now stop making me as the object of your shots, I wanna take some shots of the nice view from here."

Shawn walked closer to her, giving his camera to her hand just like that. And when their hands touched each other, Shawn gave a thin smile that slowly grow as a bigger one. "What do you mean, y/n? You are the view here."

And there, for a few seconds she felt her face getting warmer as well as her heart beats faster.

They ordered Joe’s Pizza for the night, having a great time on Shawn's room since everyone refuse to give their room as the common room for a night. Nothing happened between both Shawn and her but they stayed next to each other for the whole night. She had a few shots of wine and passed out on the couch she shared with Shawn, they ended up sleeping next to each other as the bed was taken by Connor and Brian and everyone else was shattered all over the place. They also took Brooklyn Bike Tour on the next day during daylight before going to party in a club Shawn booked for his friends.

Shawn was looking around when he realized she wasn’t under his radar. He thought she was in front of the stage where a band performed, but she wasn’t there. He got off his seat and find Lila taking a sip of her drink, Connor and Liv were beside her.

“Hey guys.”

“Shaawwwn! The star of tonight’s party,” Liv laughed, looked half drunk already, Connor took this chance to take the glass off her hands.

“Yeah hahaha thanks, have you seen Y/N?”

“Y/N? She went to the toilet half an hour ago, but we don’t see a glimpse of her till now.” Connor said.

Lila nodded, “I think she went outside? But I’m not sure.”

“What happened?”

Three of them shrugged their shoulders, looking just as confused as him. Shawn only nodded at them before leaving to find her. He decided to walk out the club and wander around the neighbourhood. There are some restaurants on the same block as the club, most of them has closed.

Except one, a fast food restaurant that still has the light on. Shawn walked to that place and scanning the whole place with his eyes, found a figure of female he was familiar with were sitting at the corner. He could only notice her back and her brown long wavy hair, but he knew immediately it was her.

He walked in and went straight to her, “Y/N?”

She turned around, looking surprised when she saw Shawn. “Shawn? What are you doing here?”

“Shouldn’t I be the one who ask? What’re you doin?”

She turned away a bit, avoiding his eyes. “I am not feeling well.”

“Are you sick?”

“No, it’s not about that.”

“And?”

She didn’t say anything for a while, leaving his words hanging in the air. She took a sip of her milkshake, and leaned on the couch as she stared back at the beautiful hazelnut eyes of him. “I just.. you know, I had to go back home tomorrow..”

Shawn nodded slowly, still trying to find where’s this going.

“And I probably will be having a hard time to meet you again after this,” she spoke really slowly, and pretty much in low tone. He stunned, didn’t realize that was true. And he just realized it now, with her saying it out loud. He didn’t think about it much because he thought everything’s gonna be fine, everyone’s here.

“I’m sorry, you have to—”

“No, Shawn. It’s okay. God, I shouldn’t have to say this.”

“Hey, hey,” Shawn took her hands before she could put it down under the desk, and naturally he rubbed her hands very gently. “It’s okay, really. I didn’t realize that what you were saying is true. I’m going back to tour and it would be hard to be home after this.”

“You’re not even at home right now,” she chuckled.

He laughed along with her, “Yeah, I know. I’m sorry that I had to bring you and the rest here. I couldn’t manage to squeeze my time to go back home.”

“Shawn,” she whispered. “It’s okay. We all know how busy you are, even your friends went along with you becoming your team and understand how important everything’s is. I was just feeling blue because I had to go home again, without you.”

He didn’t understand what she was trying to say, but his heart hurts to hear that. After months being away from city to city, country to country, he had realized that he missed his ordinary life. It wasn’t because he disliked being on tour, it was just.. making him homesick, more than he could see. And for the past few days he realized it wasn’t just about missing home, he missed her too.

He missed everything they did during high school, he missed going to her home, hanging out with her brother and her family. He missed going to the park with his circle of friends, or going to the beach together during summer and he would find himself feeling content with his friends and her around him.

And now she clearly stated she felt blue because she’s going to leave without him made him wonder if she felt the same. What if she did? What if she actually feeling mutual?

Suddenly it hits him, maybe she did. Maybe she really likes him too. “y/n, you can come along if you want to.”

It wasn’t the first time for him asking her to come along, with him and the team. She refused to go with him every time he asked, though. And it was always about college, her education always came first for her. And he couldn’t blame her, as much as he wants to. She wanted to make her parents proud by graduating on time, despite everything she went through in college.

“I can’t.”

It was solid.

“Why? You were in summer break right now so why don’t just stay with me? We’re going to start again in few weeks and you could come along for some stops. It’ll be great.”

She shook her head several times before taking off her hands from his grip. He frowned, didn’t think this would be her respond. Didn’t she say earlier she’s sad that she had to go tomorrow? What happened with that?

“I can’t, Shawn.”

“Why?” he asked again, a bit more demanding this time.

“I.. I’ m seeing someone else,” she said carefully. She didn’t know why she did that but she did, because he didn’t look happy with her rejecting his offer. And the moment she told him, his face went blank, a bit lost in a few seconds.

“What do you mean?”

She sighed, “You know what I mean, don’t ask me that.”

“But—you didn’t tell me this earlier? Who’s this guy?”

He didn’t realize that his voice went higher than he supposed to, and it made her taken aback. He was still staring deeply at her, oblivious by the whole changing mood between them.

“I don’t know how to, you look pretty tired and had to go to the Gala, and become busy again, surrounded by people I don’t know. And yesterday was—you looked pretty content—” she paused, trying to figure him out.

“Is that so?”

She bit her lips, “I’m sorry.”

She didn’t know why she was sorry.

“What for?”

She didn’t answer. Instead she looked away, avoiding his gaze. For the past days she felt there was something different that came off from him, but she couldn’t figure it out. He went all clingy more than he used to, being more protective as she told the story about her incident, and was with her for the whole day yesterday and this morning. She didn’t see this coming.

She might be wrong but she didn’t see this coming from him.

“So, tell me,” he paused a bit. “How long it has been?”

She took a deep breath, “Six months, I think.”

“Six months?” he repeated.

“I—we’re in the same class so I had known him pretty long.”

Six months. It was around the time he was in tour already, and according to her story, it seemed like they had gotten closer way before that. And he wasn’t home for months even before tour. He smiled bitterly, suddenly feeling like a fool.

Of course, she wasn’t a kid anymore. She had the right to date and choose a man that made her happy. The one that will always be there for her, on top of that. Not the one that was away for months, leaving her while going to many places she hadn’t reach yet. He was too late to realize how she means to him.

It was too late.

He was a fool to think he had a chance with her, to actually asking her out on a date the moment he heard her voice and laugh after months being away of each other. He was a fool to think she shared the mutual feeling as him, feeling more than just as friends just because they inseparable for the last two days. It was all too late, and he wanted to blame no one but himself.

#shawn mendes x oc #shawn mendes x reader #shawn mendes fiction #shawn mendes #shawn mendes angst

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warpedtourniall · 5 years

Note

To help your inspo I’ll give two options for ziall, how about 16 or 20?

I’m gonna go w 16 “Things you said with no space between us” and let’s, uh, [spins wheel] try that young broke nyc au i’ll never really write

Even the breeze is too hot, thick with humidity, blowing in off the river. From here Zayn can see the spangled slash of Brooklyn’s lights across the water, where he should be getting off the L and going to bed.

He has work in the morning, after all, and this party’s not living up to the hype.

It should be cooler up here on the roof but it’s not. This building is one of those rent-controlled disasters, the landlords leaving repairs untended so they can oust the tenants and remodel. It’s been a stalemate for years, with the paint peeling and the hallway lightbulbs burnt out and the bathroom sink in Niall’s apartment not draining properly. When Niall uses the microwave built in above the stove in his postage stamp-sized kitchen there’s a fifty percent chance he blows a fuse and has to go into the crawlspace to flip all the switches in the breaker box, only the light of his phone to go by.

But the rent is cheap enough and it’s down on the lower East, where everything’s easy to get to and it feels like really living in New York. Zayn’s rented room in Bushwick feels like living in New York too, but in a windowless, depressing, nine hundred dollars a month way. Niall’s place is so dilapidated and central that it’s romantic, somehow.

Plus it’s got roof access, and a decent view up here. They’ve dragged a dozen lawn chairs up and now that they party’s going as hard as it’s likely to, they’re all occupied. New couples cuddled together despite the heat; girls texting their friends, seeing where the next stop on a long night of social engagements might be; Harry plugging his phone into the speakers and putting on something indie and sentimental.

Zayn puts his palms flat on the ledge that spans the roof’s perimeter. If he looks out over the city he feels it, that impossible, romantic feeling of being here. Being swept up in it. When they’d all been in school upstate, taking the train down to the city for the day was a melting treat in his sweaty palm, uncomfortable and temporary and so delicious he couldn’t contain himself, and now…

He finds Niall across the roof in the press of people, always at the center of something. His hair has grown out, and only the barest ruffle of blond remains. He’s laughing; Liam has shown up, and has one bare arm thrown around Niall’s shoulders, laughing with him. Zayn wonders if Louis will turn up tonight. It seems like since graduation it’s been hard to get the five of them in the same room.

Truth be told Zayn wouldn’t have come out tonight except it’s Niall, and when Niall asks him to come to one of his rooftop parties he asks like he means it. He remembers something they were talking about the last time they hung out and follows up about it; he takes a picture of himself at the bodega getting the Brooklyn pennant ale Zayn’s been drinking lately. Zayn can’t say no to him.

And because when they were in undergrad Zayn had always meant to kiss Niall at a party like this, and it’d never happened, so he keeps coming to them to see if the pull is still there.

He watches the gleam of sweat on Niall’s neck as he throws his head back and laughs at one of Liam’s jokes. Zayn wants to lick it off.

The pull is still there, then.

Harry finds him a moment later, still nursing his beer, watching Niall. Harry has abandoned his phone to the aux cable, even though more people seem to be showing up every minute, people Zayn doesn’t recognize. But that’s Harry: if somebody walks off with his phone, he won’t be bothered. He’ll embrace the opportunity to live off-grid until his parents send him a new one.

“You’re gonna burn a hole in his top, staring at him like that,” Harry says. He’s drinking what looks like bourbon over ice in a moderately clean mason jar. When he leans in Zayn can smell the cloying scent of ginger ale undercutting the liquor.

Instead of answering, Zayn shrugs. Harry knows Zayn’s got… A crush, he guesses, is what you’d call it. Or, everybody knows Zayn’s got a crush. He’s not subtle, and he’s given up trying to be. At this point if Niall doesn’t know it’s got to be willful ignorance.

“Zayn,” Harry says, in the way that means he’s accidentally gotten too drunk while sitting down, and now that he’s standing it’s hit him all at once. “I think he’d be down, if you just… Asked him.”

Zayn takes a moment, finishes the last of his beer. It would be that easy, he thinks, because Niall likes to have fun, and isn’t the type to make it complicated or awkward in the morning. Zayn could pull him aside, into the rooftop’s sole dark corner beside the door to the stairwell. He could kiss him, and Niall would probably be up for it, would let the party go on while they fumbled their way back downstairs and into Niall’s bed, which is just a mattress on the floor. They could have the sort of unromantic, un-air conditioned sex Zayn’s friends are always having now that they all live here and hate their jobs and feel the looming weight of their dreams. Zayn could wake up next to Niall knowing he took the chance, and maybe Niall would walk him to the door and kiss him, but the more Zayn thinks about it the more he feels dizzy and sick in a way that has nothing to do with the beer he’s been drinking.

“I don’t know,” Zayn tells Harry, which seems to cover most of his feelings even if it doesn’t plumb their depths. “I don’t think it’s meant to happen.”

Because if Zayn had thought in college about kissing Niall at a party like this one, since they all moved down into the city and started what he was still naively thinking of as “grownup life,” he’s been thinking about moving around him in his tiny kitchen, about assembling a flat-pack bed frame with him to get his mattress off the floor, and sleeping beside him, close despite the humidity. When Niall’s working on a film down in the financial district and Zayn is temping at some soulless office building nearby and they meet up for lunch Zayn thinks about making two sandwiches in the morning, about taking the same train to different stops with Niall, about coming home to him.

He’s considering the possibility that it’s not really a crush, anymore.

The music pauses awkwardly as a text tone chimes from the speakers.

“Oh, shit, my phone,” Harry says, and vanishes.

Zayn turns back to the edge of the roof, slouching so he can lean his forearms on the ledge. He doesn’t like looking down, but he suspects it’s good for him. It’s healthy to let the terror pass over him, to open his eyes to it until the lights below resolve themselves. Taxis stuck in midnight traffic. Cigarette lighters. Lampposts.

“Are you looking aesthetically tragic on purpose?”

It’s Niall, suddenly close behind Zayn. He’s gotten entirely too much sun this summer; his face is red, which might just be from drinking, but Zayn can make out the faint fuzz of his nose peeling.

“How else am I going to get handsome boys to come talk to me?” Zayn asks, and watches Niall’s blush deepen.

I could fall in love with you, he thinks. If I let myself, it would be so easy.

“You need another drink? Ice cube down the back of your shirt?” Niall asks. “I’m roasting up here.” He tugs the collar of his sleeveless shirt away, and Zayn chases a bead of sweat down his chest with his eyes.

“Think I’m heading home pretty soon, actually,” Zayn says. The L is still fucked up on weekends - who knows how long it’ll take him to get home.

“Noooo,” Niall says, putting his sweaty arms around Zayn’s neck. It’s entirely too warm for anybody to be touching anybody else, but Zayn doesn’t lean away. He leans in instead, presses his sweaty cheek to Niall’s sweaty neck.

“I’ve got to,” he says. “I’ve got work tomorrow.”

Niall makes a dismissive noise, not letting Zayn out of the hug. “Crash with me,” he says.

Zayn searches the words for a hidden meaning: come to bed with me, maybe. Stop letting yourself drift apart from all our friends, more likely. You haven’t been out with us properly in weeks and friendships take work after college.

“I can’t go to work dressed like this,” Zayn says.

Niall steps back and looks at Zayn: his twiggy arms; the black tank top hanging off him; his skinny jeans laddered with rips. “Borrow something of mine,” he says. They’re still standing close. “It’ll give you an excuse to come back soon.”

The party’s filled right up. There’s nowhere for Zayn to escape to. Niall is smiling at him in a way that he knows means he could lean in and kiss him and it wouldn’t mean anything.

“One more drink,” he says, and Niall beams at him, tugging him by the wrist through the crowd to where the coolers are.

“You won’t regret it,” Niall says, handing him another beer. The Brooklyn pennant ale he’d bought special for Zayn. It makes him heartsick.

I will, Zayn thinks. He pops the cap with the butt of his lighter and takes a drink. I will. Niall smiles big. I will.

#ziall #mj.txt #oops #Anonymous

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herespeyton · 5 years

Text

hazy memories & hazel eyes

TAGGING → @herespeyton && @sammynolanh

TIME FRAME → 5th May.

LOCATION → Hospital & coffee shop, NYC.

WARNINGS → alcohol, pregnancy.

NOTES → Sammy questions if Lexi is his after realizing they were both drunk at the same house party nearly four years ago.

sammy

Sammy had a good week in New York. He missed the city all too much but his heart was now in LA with Kitty, he figured that out when the apartment didn’t feel like home anymore, LA did. After dropping off his fiancé at the airport, Sammy headed to the hospital to visit his friend Stacy. He was excited to see her and her baby boy, Sammy loved kids. As he approached the room, he saw a very familiar face leaving the room. It was the vet nurse that had helped him with Dude a few times at his check ups. He grinned wide as he made eye contact with her and waved at her. He also saw the little toddler following her. She was gorgeous and extremely cute, she had soft curls almost similar to his. “Hey Peyton! It’s nice to see you out of the clinic!” He told her with a grin. He then looked down at Lexi. He squatted down to her level and greeted her. “And this must be Lexi. What a gorgeous young lady.” He chuckled.

peyton

It wasn't even midday yet and the day already felt long. Lexi had been up since well before the sun, and Peyton was already on her third cup of coffee. But seeing the new baby had left her smiling from ear to ear, he was perfect and she was so excited for Stacey. The younger girl had been such a blessing with Lexi and Peyton couldn't believe her own little boy was already here. They were walking down the corridor towards the exit when Peyton spotted the tall brunette, "Hey there stranger." She greets him. "Yeah, thought it was time to give actual nursing a go." She jokes, reaching for Lexi to grab her hand before the little girl wandered on ahead. "Kidding, i'll be back there this afternoon... But yup yup yup, this is Lexi. The one and only" Peyton nods, looking down at the girl. "Hey Lex, show Sammy the bells on your shoes." Lexi shakes her shoes for him to hear before laughing. "The bells are for baby wyatt." Lexi says adamantly, very proud of them.

sammy

Sammy had never laid eyes on a cuter toddler. He chuckled at her and nodded. “Those are some very very impressive bells, Lexi. I love them.” He reaches out to ruffle the little girls hair before standing up again. “She’s precious. I still insist that she looks just like me.” He joked at Peyton. He had seen her picture before and thought it was funny that they shared characteristics. “So, here visiting Stacy? I was on my way up there right now. I’m excited to meet the little one.” He explained. “You said you’re headed out? Busy night ahead of you?” He asked curiously.

peyton

"Thank you. My mom put them on." Lexi replies. Being around people was never something the young girl struggled with, in fact there were days as Lexi was chatting to strangers that Peyton sort of wished she was at least a little shy. Peyton squeezes her daughter's hand and smiles at her before looking back to Sammy. "You should see me with popsicle sticks, I'm a craft genius." Peyton shrugs. "She does a little. I think it's the hair." Peyton admits with a nod. "Yup, I've just seen Stace. Wyatt's so adorable... I know it was only three years ago, but I never remember her being that small." It's like she blinked one day and had a sassy three year old running around. "Nothing out of the ordinary. We're heading to pre school now, and then you're gonna come and hang out with me at the clinic, right?" She comments, but looks to Lexi who nods. "There are kittens!" The small girl exclaims excitedly. "Are you moving back to New York?"

sammy

Sammy nodded. “Oh really? You have a very talented Mommy.” He told her. He found the little girl so charming but he wasn’t surprised, Peyton had a charm of her own. “Yeah must be the hair and her smile.” He joked. “You’re sure I’m not her father, right? Cause I know he’s not in the picture.” Sammy jokes with a small chuckled, thinking nothing of it. “Yeah, well she’s grown into a very wonderful little lady. So it’s okay.” He grinned and listened to the little girl speak some more, his brows raised. “There are? Oh my god! I’ve always wanted a Kitten but my fiancée won’t let me.” He pouted at Lex. “I do however have a very cute little puppy.” He told her. “Nah, Kitty likes LA, so LA it is.” He explained to Peyton.

peyton

Peyton laughed, “Unless you were at Ohio’s messiest house party ever nearly four years ago, then that’s unlikely... also I mean that literally, I vaguely remember body paint being a thing.” Vaguely being a key word. Her entire memory of the night was foggy at best, which made finding the father hard at the time and next to impossible as the years went on and trying to find him became less important to her — she’d done this much on her own just fine. “Can I see your puppy?” Lexi asks, looking around him as if the puppy was going to be close behind the man. “We have a dog at grandma and grandads. Two of them.” She adds holding up two fingers. Peyton raises her eyebrows, “things she never lets me live forever down.” She nods. “Fair enough, I’ve never been to LA so can’t compare. When are you heading back?”

sammy

Sammy laughed but then thought for a moment. He did remember being at a crazy house party going into his sophomore year of college. And now that the memories were coming back, he realized why Peyton had looked so familiar. He felt light headed all of a sudden. He had slept with this girl, I mean it had to be her, he was pretty wasted but he didn’t really black out that night. He remembered the body painter taking requests... it was her. He was at that party and this little girl was very very possibly his daughter. “I- um... it was a frat party. Sigma pi...the biggest house party of the year.” Sammy stammered as he looked up at Peyton. His skin practically pale. The little girl distracting him from his thoughts. “Yeah, yes. Of course.” He stumbles on his words and pulling out his phone to show the girl. “I have pictures.” He told her as he looked through it, taking longer than usual as he was incredibly flustered. He finally found a decent photo and squatted down to show her. “Two of them? That’s amazing. Here’s mine. His name is Dude. Your mom is his nurse.” He explained, his voice shaking just a bit as he watched her, it was uncanny to him now. That girl was his. He looked back up at Peyton, not knowing if she got what he was saying earlier. She had to remember him somewhat. “You should definitely visit sometime. It’s not as great as nyc but they have awesome food and beaches and there’s also Hollywood and all the cool museums... I go back tomorrow night.” He rambled.

peyton

Peyton’s head tilts to the side, humming thoughtfully as she tried to remember back to that night. She loved her daughter more than anything, but thinking back to the party she was conceived often just seemed like a waste of time and energy now. “Yeah... I think it was.” She nods, biting down on her lower lip as she watches the way he’s reacting. “You were there?” Peyton looks between Lexi and Sammy and her eyes widen. “You were there.” She stumbles on those three words this time and she feels like her memory might be failing her right now so she doesn’t say anything more, besides by this stage Lexi is asking question after question about his dog anyway. “It’s on the list.” She replies about L.A. “it’s more important at the moment to go back to Ohio. But... yeah. One day.”

sammy

Sammy nodded at Peyton “I was there.” He repeats softly and looks back down at the little girl as she swiped through his phone to look at pictures of Dude. Oh shit. They needed to talk but not infront of the little girl. “What’s back in Ohio?” He asked carefully.

peyton

He was there. Peyton swallows, and takes a deep breath. She wasn't about to ask anything further in front of Lexi, she learned her lesson on that one after she said the word "fuck" and the girl walked around for a week repeating it. She hears everything. "Grandma and Grandad... Dogs. Cats. Bunnies." She says forcing a laugh for the sake of her daughter. "Hey... I need to get Lex to pre school. But if you're not busy or anything later, did you want to get coffee?"

sammy

Sammy licked his lips “That’s nice, I bet Lex would love that.” He nodded. He looked back down at the girl feeling himself get just a tad bit emotional, he already felt himself getting attached to her but he still didn’t know the exact truth. What if he wasn’t the father? What if he was just making it all up in his head. I mean, yes, they were at the same party and Sammy remembers seeing her there but maybe it wasn’t them who slept together. He needed answers. Kitty was going to murder him. “Okay, Yeah. I’m not busy at all. The sooner we can grab coffee than the better.” He responded to her. He crouched down again to talk to Lexi again. “Hey, little lady, your mommy and you gotta get going. I’m going to need my phone back. But I promise to send your momma more pictures so you can see them, okay?” He told her as he reached for the phone. “It was really nice meeting you.” He told the little girl.

peyton

Peyton nods. "Awesome. You should go and see Wyatt and Stace and I'll meet you ... at the coffee shop next to the pet clinic? Just text me when you're there." She reaches into her bag and pulls out a business card with her number on it. Lexi reluctantly hands back the phone to Sammy, "I'll send you pictures of my dogs." She replies and looks up at her mom. "I'll see you later?" Peyton comments, offering him a small smile and gesturing to the small girl that they were leaving. She needed to clear her head and try and remember what happened that night... and do it all preferably before she met up with the man again later.

sammy

Sammy keeps zoning out a bit, the girl speaking to him, reeling him back in. “Yeah, I should. The coffee shop sounds great, I’ll see you there soon.” He nods at her, he keeps returning his gaze to the little girl. “I’ll see you around, Little Lex.” He tell her as he reaches out it has so she could give him a high five.

It was a couple hours later when Sammy got the courage to text Peyton. He was fucking terrified, and he couldn’t really believe the discovery that might be true. If it wasn’t for how much Lexi looked like Sammy then maybe Sammy would have tried to deny it but the resemblance was so obvious it had to be true. Still, Sammy wanted proof. Not that he needed it. He already felt drawn to the little girl, as if there was an instant energy connection and he already felt attached and excited. It would be heartbreaking if it turned out she wasn’t his. After getting the address from Peyton he made his way to the shop and sat at a more secluded table, waiting for the girl to arrive.

peyton

Peyton was going over every memory she had from that night. Over and over and over again. Could it have been Sammy? Sure. But it also could be any tall brunette guy at the party and Peyton was putting his face to it because she’d 1. Just seen him, and 2. Just discovered he’d happened to be there too. She looks at his picture on her phone hoping it would help bring something back— apparently Sammy was very google-able. They’d only met a few times, but it had admittedly felt like they’d met before? Peyton got his text and told her boss she was leaving for an hour before waking to the coffee shop down the street. She was feeling weirdly nervous considering it wasn’t a date or anything close to. Opening the door, the girl spotted him in the corner and smiled softly as she approached the table, sitting across from him. “Hey... thanks for meeting me. This is sort of strange, I guess, but I think we should talk? Maybe?”

sammy

Sammy tapped his fingers against the table as he waited. He was definitely nervous. Upon seeing her he waved at her and offered a small smile. He didn’t know how this was going to go. “Hey. Of course. We should definitely talk... but where to start?” He asked as he ran a hand through his hair. “We we’re both there that night a-and I remember you being there. You were wearing that pale pink dress... “ he rambled, just spitting out detail of what he remembered.

peyton

Peyton twists her lips as he talks. He was right, that’s what she was wearing... but it all felt kind of unreal right now. “You never said anything before today...” she comments, feeling the need to protect her daughter. This was sudden. “Everything is a bit blurry to me.” She confesses, looking down at then table for a moment. “I was drunk, and honestly I never really do that sort of thing?” She laughs a little. “Apparently I’m not very good at having a one night stand.” Peyton pauses, and brings her hands up to cover her face, dreading asking the question but knowing she needed to. “Did we... have sex that night? Like I need you to be sure...”

sammy

Sammy nodded. “I always thought you looked familiar... but it had been so long and I don’t really think about that night too much, I mean I went to a lot of college parties...apparently...” he explained. “But when you mentioned this party, the memories just kinda came jolting in... you don’t remember any of it?... I remember thinking you were really pretty and we hit it off...” he told her as he fidgeted with his fingers. Sammy sighed and shrugged lightly... “I don’t remember the sex... but I remember leaving the next morning, I was running late for class so I just sort of bolted... “ he confessed and paused for a moment. “You can’t deny, the resemblance is uncanny... I’ll take a paternity test.”

peyton

“I remember parts... but not everything.” She admits. “Obviously.” Peyton was suddenly feeling quite overwhelmed. “Wait... hold on. Just... give me a minute? It’s not that I don’t believe you, in fact the more I think about it the more I do. and I’m sure you’re a really great guy... but, we’re talking about my daughter. Ive done it all by myself, and she doesn’t need a father in her life. So... before you take a paternity test, just think about what you would even do if it came back positive. Please.”

sammy

Sammy took a few deep breaths “Peyton, if I had known... if I had known, I would have been there with you every step of the way.” He told her truthfully. Suddenly he was feeling protective. Sure, he never really thought kids were in his future anymore, considering Kitty’s situation but now there was this and he had a daughter. A daughter who didn’t know who he was, a daughter he was never able to watch grow up. But it was his daughter, he knew she had to be his. “I want to be in her life. Maybe she doesn’t need me, but I need her. And knowing about her now and not being in her life would kill me. I don’t even need to take the test to know she’s mine. I can feel it.” He rubbed his face as he began to get emotional. “Sorry, I just sort of need a moment.” He said as he looked away and took a few more deep breaths. God he was so overwhelmed.

peyton

“Sammy...” Peyton didnt really know what to say anymore, this was a lot to take in and the more he talked the more emotional she was feeling. “That’s... really sweet. But I do need you to take the paternity test. I need to know for sure before letting you be in her life at all...” She runs her hand through her hair and sighs. “Take a deep breath, okay? Before you start making great plans to be around for her, get a test. And then, if you’re her father, we can talk about how you can be involved in her life.” She tried to keep her voice calm, not wanting to come off as harsh, but when it came to Lexi, Peyton couldn’t take any chances. She couldn’t afford a paternity test but she would find the money for Lex. “Are you okay?”

sammy

Sammy stayed quiet, listening to the girl. He understood, of course he understood. He couldn’t just jump into this girls life after years of her not having a father. He needed the test. That was doable. “Then lets do the test... we can do it today, or tomorrow. I’ll pay for it, I’ll pay to expedite it too.” He told her, manically. “Not knowing for sure is already driving me crazy.” He sighed and bit his lip. He needed to relax. He didn’t even know for sure, even though he thought he did, maybe he was projecting.

peyton

Peyton shook her head. “No no no, we both got drunk that night. If we weren’t, one of us would be able to remember for sure if we had sex. So, I’ll pay for half. It’s the right thing to do.” Even if part of her wanted to do the wrong thing and forget this exchanged happened. Once upon a time she wished for the help with Lexi. Now? Now, she had gotten used to it just being the two of them against the world. “You leave tomorrow night? I’m sure we can get it done before then.... I’m not really sure how these things work? Is there like a place you go? I’ll google it...” she muses, more thinking out loud at this point. “But do you think you can you keep this to yourself until we know?”

sammy

Sammy shrugged. “I know but it’s okay. I can pay for all of it. I’d rather you keep your money for Lexi.” He pushed. They were really going to do this. “Yeah, I leave tomorrow, unless you need me to stay, I can stay another day... I’m sure we can go to a clinic and get the labs done, or I think they also have those at home kits we can buy somewhere...” He told her. He nodded. “Yeah, of course.”

peyton

Peyton chuckles. It was probably not an appropriate reaction, but she had a bad habit of nervous laughing. “No, it’s okay, you go back to L.A and get back to your life. We can get it done... well, as soon as we work out how, and I can let you know as soon as the results come in.”

sammy

“I can’t just go back to my life... this is going to be all I think about... I’ll call around. I’ll text you what I find out. I know you’re busy.” He told her as he reached out his hand to grab hers in a friendly way. “Is there anything you need right now? I know we don’t know for sure but I want to help in anyway, regardless of the results.” He offered.

peyton

“I don’t need anything.” She assures him. “Regardless of the results?” Peyton looks at him a little confused. “You have a fiancé? So, it’s okay. I manage... even if it means watching the same movie all day everyday.” She smiles across at him, he really was a genuinely nice guy. But this already felt complicated and overwhelming, and she had to think about Lexi above anything else. “I need to get back to work...”

sammy

Sammy nodded. “Okay. Um, I’ll text you soon.” He told her. He offered help because he didn’t know what else to do. Sammy was adamant on Lexi being his daughter and if it turned out to be false then he would be crushed. On the other side, how would he even begin to tell Kitty that he has a daughter with another woman? He knew it would crush her, especially with her not being able to have her own kids. Sammy stood from the table and offered Peyton his hand. “Do you want me to walk you to the clinic? I’m walking that way to the metro anyway... “

peyton

“Awesome.” Peyton takes his help to stand — There are worse people she could have in Lexi’s life. “You don’t need to, but if you’re walking that way then you’re welcome to walk with me.” She told him. “Are you sure you don’t want to adopt a kitten on your way past? A kitten and a possible kid on the same day? That’s the dream right there.” She jokes, possibly inappropriately? But cracking jokes was the only way she knew how to deal with serious situations. Peyton pushes open the door and takes a deep breath as the get into the fresh air... it’s been a long day.

sammy

Sammy nodded and walked alongside her, his hands in his pockets. He smiles at her. “I would love a kitten but I’m sure my fiancé would murder me if I came home with a cat. She’s barely getting used to the dog we have. And with this news of me possibly being a father, I don’t even know how she’ll react...” he told Peyton. He was scared of their future but he really wanted to be in his daughters life.

peyton

“Yeah, maybe hold off on surprising her with a cat then.” Peyton didn’t know their relationship so she wasn’t going to offer advice. Besides, she’s been essentially single since she had Lexi, she really wasn’t the best person to ask on how to navigate a relationship and a kid. She stops when she gets out the front of the pet clinic and offers Sammy a half smile. “For my sanity, please don’t forget to send at least one picture of your dog. She doesn’t forget... anything. But I’ll talk to you soon. Text me with what I need to do for the test?”

sammy

Sammy sighs “Is it okay if I mention it to her? I know we don’t know for sure but I hate hiding things from her... and this is huge... I get it if you’d rather I don’t.” He asked. He didn’t necessarily want to tell kitty right away, afraid of her reaction but he knew it was the right thing to do. He could hide something this big from his fiancé. “I’ll definitely make sure to send you a few.” He nodded “I’ll text you. Promise.”

peyton

“Of course. She’s your fiancée.” Peyton nods. “I meant more... Your... people? Is it obvious I don’t spend a lot of time with famous people.” She laughs and crosses her arms in front of her. If he was the father she’d talk further about the whole celebrity thing, but right now she just needed to focus on getting through the next couple of days. Hell, she just needed to focus on getting through today. “Perfect. I’ll see you soon, Sammy.”

sammy

“Oh thank god.” He told her with a sigh. “Of course, I wouldn’t want Lexi in the spotlight... that could be toxic for her. Celebrity kids don’t get left alone.” He commented, thinking how much their lives would change if she was his daughter. “Yeah, I’ll talk to you soon, Peyton. Thank you for giving me the chance to see if I even am the dad... it means a lot to me.”

#para: hazel eyes #para: sammy #sammy

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qualitylu · 6 years

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Big Time (l.h.)

Pairing: Reader x Luke

Requested: yes

@oh-annaa said: Hey bby!! Could I request an imagine if that’s not too much to ask? Could you write about me being an aspiring musician who met Luke at one of their smaller shows (preferably nyc) and we hit it off so we became like bffs and we really like each other but I don’t want to date him and have people think that I’m dating him for fame because I want to find success on my own (bc I’m stubborn and I need to do shit for myself) and you can go where you please with that happy ending tho pls tysm love ya💛

Word count: 2094

Summary: You’re an aspiring artist living in NYC and soon run into Luke who wants to help you advance your career but also date you.

April 2018

I was currently walking around New York City, making my way to the small cafe I usually played at. With my guitar in hand I opened the small shop door and awkwardly fit my guitar in-between my body and the door frame. “Still can’t figure out how to get through the door I see,” my favorite barista, Kaleb, joked lightly as I approached the counter. I asked for my usual before I began to set up while they made it. I sat my guitar case down in front as a makeshift tip jar. After that I set my Ibanez on the guitar stand that was available before I plugged the chord into the microphone that was lodged onto the stand. I rushed back over as Kaleb called my name as well as my order out into the small, serene place. I took a couple sips of the beverage before setting it down beside the stool. I sat down on the wooden furniture before angling the microphone to where it was right in front of my mouth. I picked up my guitar before I finally started speaking.

“Hi, guys,” I looked around the place to see if I could spot any of my regular viewers. Instead of waving to the small children that gawk at me I smiled at a new guy that had showed up. He had dirty blonde hair that was in loose curls, framing his strong features. I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear before lightly tuning my guitar for a second. I strummed the strings, causing the perfect sound to ring out through the small space. “I’m going to try something new today, an original song that I finished up last night. I hope you guys enjoy it.”

After I finished up my set I began to pack up things when I noticed someone slip a hundred dollar bill into my guitar case. I looked up and noticed it was the new guy from earlier; I quickly stood up to thank him but before I could speak he cut me off. “You sounded really good. Have you ever played like in larger venues?” I shook my head no before telling him about how this was my usual spot for playing. His lips grew into a smile before he began to fish out his wallet form his back pocket. My eyes widened as he handed me a ticket, not really sure what to do with it and still in shock enough that I didn’t even look to who it said the band was, I just kind of look at him while his smile turned into a smirk. “My band is playing at the Irving Plaza if you want to stop by. My number’s on there so if you get there early, just send me a message and I’ll come let you in.” I nodded my head before thanking him for not only the money but the ticket. He smiled at my praise and sipped on his drink before heading out, leaving me questioning why he did what he did.

After a walk around the city to run a few errands I made my way back to my apartment. As I unlocked the door and set my guitar in it’s usual place I made my way to my small kitchen. I pulled an apple out from the fruit basket that sat on my counter, beginning to eat it as I scrolled through my twitter feed. I noticed a bunch of people going crazy and posting pictures of them with what seemed to be a famous band. I quickly stopped as you realized that one of them was the guy you met in the cafe. I pulled the ticket out of my pocket and read it to see who the band was. 5 Seconds of Summer. Woah, I thought. How could I have not realized that’s who it was, I had been listening to them for so long. I quickly texted the number that Luke had left me.

ME: be there soon, just got to my apartment and it’s right around the corner, I'll let you know when I'm outside

It wasn’t long until I received a text back.

LUKE: okay, we just got done with soundcheck, let me know.

I smiled before plugging my phone into the charger and hooking it up to the bluetooth speaker that was nearby. Do I Wanna Know? by Arctic Monkeys flooding through the room. I quickly changed into a yellow tube top, with my black brallette straps peaking out, paired with a pair of ripped skinny jeans and a pair of black suede, heeled boots. I put highlighter down the bridge of my nose and the tops of my cheekbones before heading out the door, my small purse hanging off my shoulder. As I rounded the corner towards the venue I sent Luke a message saying I was outside. It wasn’t long until the back stage door swung open and I was quickly pushed inside by a large man.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to rough hand you like that. Just didn’t want other fans to see the entrance.” The bodyguard gruffed while leading me into the dressing room area. My heart stopped as I saw Luke make his way over to me, giving me a small hug before introducing me to the rest of the people that were in there. I sat down on the couch next to Luke while he sat beside Calum. Everyone was chatting and having a few sips of different types of alcohol before Luke grabbed my attention. “You sounded really good today, was that your first original?” I shook my head no before speaking, “definitely not my first original but first one I’ve felt comfortable with preforming.” “Would you be willing to play it for the guys?” My eyes widened at his boldness and I shook my head slightly. “I don’t know, Luke, I’m not really comfortable.” “Well, whenever you’re ready of course. I really think you should join us on the rest of the tour. I could help you out, give you connections.” “That’s really sweet but I don’t want people to think I’m using you.” “You’re not when I’m offering.”

July 2018

I had decided to pick up my life in New York and follow 5 Seconds of Summer on the rest of their small tour. I had mustered up the courage to show them my original songs as well as some covers. I was currently subleasing an apartment outside of Los Angeles, due to it being the only one I could afford, and working with some of the producers Luke had introduced me to. Luke. How do I even describe how grateful I am for him. He helped jumpstart my career but that also came with people constantly hating on me for leeching off of him. I didn’t want to, I wanted to make it on my own but I couldn’t stop him from sneakily recording me while I was playing and sending it to one of his producer friends. It wasn’t long until I had someone reach out to me and told me they heard what Luke sent them and that they would love to work with me. I was pissed off at him for a little bit but I couldn’t be happier to see my music being played and produced professionally.

I was currently hanging out with Luke at his house, my hand resting on Petunia’s head while I watched Luke strum his guitar lightly, playing out small chords here and there. “Luke,” I started, grabbing his attention, “I just want to say thank you.” His eyebrows furrowed together and he sat his guitar down to hear what I had to say. “I really appreciate you taking a risk and sharing my music even though I didn’t want you to. It means a lot.” “I wouldn’t do it for anyone else. You’re really good and you deserve to be heard.” My heart fluttered at his words and he smiled at me when he noticed I had moved my attention back to Petunia. He would watch this everyday if he could, me petting Petunia and all of us living in his house. “Do you want to go out tonight?” I looked up at his words and shrugged my shoulders before speaking. “I don’t mind? Is there a party tonight?” “I don't,” he paused to inhale, trying to calm himself, “I meant like as a date? Do you want to go out, on a date?” I nodded my head yes before wrapping my arms around his neck and pressed my lips against his cheek.

I pulled back suddenly and remembered all the hate I got when I first started hanging around Luke. “Luke, I -- I can’t.” “Wait, what? Why?” “I don’t want them thinking I’m dating you just to boost my career and status. I do like you, I really do but I don’t think it’s best right now.” His head fell as well as my heart, looking at his face I weighed my options. “How about this,” his eyes met mine, “we date, but we don’t go out alone, if we go somewhere we show up at different times and leave at different times, but we can hang out at each other’s places and such alone. I know it doesn’t ideal but it could work, until everything dies down.” He nodded his head and gave me a weak smile. “I’ll pick you up from your place at 6?” He smirked, which caused me to smile before I left to go get ready.

It wasn’t long until I heard a knocking at my door and I rushed over to answer it. Luke stood in my doorway, holding a small bouquet of flowers, I quickly grabbed them and sat them on my counter before coming back to leave with him. His hand rested on the small of my back as he led me down the hallway towards the elevator. It was a small elevator to begin with and three people standing in it made it feel even smaller. Luke walked in first and turned me around so that we could both fit, my back resting against his front while one of his hands rested on my waist while the other fell to my hip. I smiled as felt him subconsciously pull me closer to him. Once the elevator opened I gripped his hand and lead him out towards the lobby. He changed positions with me and walked me out the car. I climbed into the passenger side seat and waited for Luke to come around. Once we were on the highway his hand rested on my thigh before I grabbed his hand and interlaced his fingers with mine.

“Where are we going?” I asked while rubbing my thumb along his knuckles. “I figured a club would be nice, what do you say?” My eyes widened but before I could speak about what we talked about earlier, Luke interrupted me. “I’m just playing with you, I made dinner at my place.” My open mouth soon turned into a goofy smile as I stared down at our interlocked hands. When reached Luke’s house he quickly rushed out to come over and open my door. I grabbed his hand as I climbed out and followed him into his house. My smile only grew as I saw the table was set with two plates, piled with food. It was nice to be with Luke, it felt natural, it felt like everything was right in the world. After we finished our dinner we moved to the couch to watch some movie on Netflix. I picked a rom-com type movie called Happy Gilmore and cuddled slightly into Luke’s chest. We both laughed at the funny parts and Luke chuckled when he noticed how emotional I got at the end scene. I pushed on his chest teasingly as I wiped away the few tears that had fallen. “You’re cute when you get like this,” Luke said while smiling, his eyes dropping from mine to my lips. His tongue dropped out to wet his lips before he leaned in and connected ours in a slow but meaningful kiss. My fingers wrapped around his neck and tangled into his hair as I brought him closer so he couldn’t pull away.

Once I let him go he let a breathy chuckle out before wrapping his arms around my waist as we continued our movie night. Definitely one of the best first dates I’ve ever been on.

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putabourqueinit · 5 years

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Underachiever, overachiever or somewhere in the middle?

Birthdays were always a big deal in my family. My mom would wake us up at the hour we were born on the day we were born with a candled muffin. I was born at 6:20am so this was not a ritual I welcomed, although I knew it was coming every year. Later we would have a party with all of our friends and get to blow out candles again on our real cake. My birthday was June 1, 1972. It once fell on the last day of school and everyone got to walk home with me and we started the party early. This was a really good day for me. My mom would make sure it was our special day and we were truly celebrated by friends and family.

When I had my daughter and her first birthday was approaching I wanted it to be something magical. We had just moved from New York to Los Angeles. Being as my journey with Dylan started in Los Angeles, we reconnected with family and old friends. We had also made new friends, those with 1 year olds. I planned an old fashioned ice cream party and this is where my love for themed parties began.

We then moved back to NY-Park Slope, Brooklyn- into a charming brownstone. We had the parlor floor and the garden floor. With the garden came a backyard. Albeit not very big, it was all we needed for my daughters 2nd party- ‘Old McDonald had a Farm.” Who knew you could order online moo cows, sheep, pigs and a barn with hay? Dylan was on a new TV show and we were getting to know all of the cast and crew. We basically invited all of Brooklyn to come and celebrate Amélie and also welcome them to our new home. It truly was spectacular.

My son, Hud, was born on Jan. 1st. Eventually he will love this to be the day of his birth, but for me trying to plan a party on New Years Day isn’t easy. He turned one and we had the party a few days later. It was freezing in New York and so I chose “Baby It’s Cold Outside- Winter Onederland.” It snowed for us and all of the kids got to go outside and make snow angels. He will not remember this obviously, but I have pictures to prove what a good time he had.

Their next parties were “You Are My Sunshine,” “Jake the Pirate,” “Rainbow Unicorn,” “Wheels On The Bus,” “Princesses and their Knights,” “Batman vs. Superman (and Spidey too),” “Monster High,” “Hot Wheels,” “I❤️NYC,” and the last one “Jurassic World.”

One of my favorite parties I threw was for Dylan’s 50th. Because Dylan is a big fan of Hemingway and Fitzgerald and much things in the 20′s, I chose this as the theme. I decided not to do the Roaring 20′s Gatsby style, but something that fit him better- prohibition era and speakeasy. I spent months researching the music, food and drinks from that time. I bought us costumes and asked that everyone come dressed to impress. I decided on champagne coupes instead of flutes cause it seemed more authentic. I ordered old 1920′s silent movies to play in the background. I looked for quotes from his favorite authors and had them framed and placed around. I invited all of our friends from Connecticut, California, Louisiana, and even Virginia to join in our celebration and they showed up ready for the soirée. I sent him off for the day to a batting cage and then had him go to a hotel where I had his outfit waiting for him. He showed up at our brownstone and we were all literally transformed back to the 20′s. It was one of the most fun times of our life.

My parties are extravagant. My parties are over the top. I spend months googling props, food and decorations to the very last detail. It became a passion of mine and I just love it.

We then moved to Lafayette and I had a house with a whole garage to convert to the theme. I can’t tell you how thrilled this made me. Themed parties stepped up a notch.

This last party the other moms joked that I was an over-achiever. I have never been called this before and I didn’t take it as an insult (nor did they mean it this way.) I am not a perfectionist by any means and my parties are very scrappy if you really pay attention. I use anything and everything I can from amazon boxes to stealing tree branches from my neighbors curb.

I think I am not so much an over-achiever, but somewhere in the middle. I definitely put my all into these parties, because I want for my family and our friends to have a grand experience. I want to take in what they are into at that particular time in their life and truly make it unique and special to them. Sooner than later they won’t want these parties any more, but as long as they do I will always try my best to achieve this for them.

#birthdays birthdayparties themedparties overachiever underachiever

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staystrange · 6 years

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So I saw Dear Evan Hansen yesterday.

It’s been a dream of mine to see this show for a long time. Before I woke up yesterday, I didn’t even know I was going. I’ve entered the lottery a million times and never won, so I figured this time would be exactly the same. I had honestly forgotten about the lottery when I randomly checked my phone at 9:00 and saw that I’d WON!! My mom has dreamed of seeing this show probably more than I have, so the two of us got on a bus that was scheduled to arrive in NYC at around 2:00 for a 3:00 show. We figured we’d have plenty of time to get to the theater, which was not far from the bus station. But, of course, we ran into crazy traffic and it got to the point where we didn’t think we’d make it on time. Like, it was 2:55 and we were still on the bus. Needless to say, I was panicking hard. When the bus finally parked, we ran for it. I’m not an athletic person at all, but I put all of the energy I had into running as fast as I possibly could through the streets of New York to get to the theater. We got there a few minutes after 3:00, and I went up to the box office, completely breathless, told the staff that I had lottery tickets, and handed over my ID. To be honest, I didn’t even expect them to give me the tickets at all because we were late. But they did, and I immediately started crying because I was so happy. Then, I didn’t expect them to let us in for act 1 because the show had already started and the tickets literally said no late entry on them. But to my surprise, the staff let us in and showed us to our standing room spots.

We made it halfway through Anybody Have a Map. I swear, it was nothing short of a miracle.

We actually had a pretty good view, way better than the people sitting in the mezzanine and balcony sections above us. I started crying out of pure happiness and gratefulness when the opening bars of Waving Through a Window played, and I honestly kept crying throughout most of the show. When I wasn’t crying, I was laughing (probably because of Will Roland) or smiling. I got a few looks from the people sitting in the back of the orchestra in front of me, but honestly, they don’t know what I went through to be there, and so what if I’m an excessively emotional person? This show hits me hard.

I never thought I’d get to see this show, but I did, and I’m so glad. Thank you to the DEH lottery and the entire cast and crew and staff. You guys are the best. I ran across the city, didn’t eat for almost twelve hours, and stood for the entire show, but gosh, all of it was worth it.

I don’t want this post to take up too much space on people’s feeds, but if you’d like to hear about my more specific thoughts on each cast member / character and my stagedoor experience, check under the cut.

I was lucky enough to see most of the original cast, with the obvious exception of Ben Platt. I also did not see the original Alana or Larry Murphy. Everyone else has been in this production since the beginning.

Taylor Trensch as Evan Hansen: Sure, he was no Ben Platt, but he did a really good job, especially considering the big shoes he had to fill. I liked the little changes in his performance from Ben’s; it made seeing live even more of a unique experience from listening to the soundtrack on repeat. He’s a great actor, seriously. He obviously had many incredible performances, but Waving Through a Window, For Forever, You Will Be Found, and Words Fail really stood out as the best ones to me. He had funny moments, adorable moments, heartbreaking moments, and everything in between, and it was all incredible to watch.

Laura Dreyfuss as Zoe Murphy: I’m a big Glee fan, so I remember when she was on the show for a little while in Season 6. She was wonderful as Zoe, and I especially loved hearing her sing Requiem. She gave such a powerful performance throughout the show, especially during that song, and it was awesome to watch. During Only Us, my heart was torn between AWW and oh no oh no oh no because of what happens next. She has great chemistry with Taylor as I’m sure she did with Ben and Noah Galvin. I also really loved her scene with Taylor at the very end in the orchard. I actually didn’t know what happened at the end of the show, so it was a pleasant surprise and a perfect ending.

Rachel Bay Jones as Heidi Hansen: Oh. My. God. Her performance blew me away. Her happy scenes with Taylor were lovely, but it was during the scenes where her character and Evan were fighting that her talent really shone. She got so into her performance, and I could truly feel it. I unfortunately missed her part of Anybody Have a Map, but her performances in Good For You and So Big / So Small were incredible, and very different, too. Good For You especially was phenomenal.

Jennifer Laura Thompson as Cynthia Murphy: Jennifer was awesome, too. She showed a whole range of emotions throughout the show, and it was really powerful to watch. I liked her interactions with Taylor and Laura, and although she didn’t have much singing by herself compared to many of the other cast members, her performances during Anybody Have a Map? and Requiem were so freaking good.

Mike Faist as Connor Murphy: I had seen tweets about how he was leaving the show pretty soon, but I didn’t realize that it was literally his last show until I looked it up. I also didn’t realize how big of a role Connor is until I saw the production. Mike was incredible during every single moment he was in; I especially loved his parts in Sincerely, Me, Disappear, and the various reprises he sings in that aren’t on the soundtrack. At the end of the show after all of the regular bows, Jennifer Laura Thompson brought out a bouquet of flowers for Mike, and he tried to run offstage; Phoenix Best had to literally pull him back onstage to make him accept them and take his final bow. He’s so shy and humble, and it was adorable. I’m so lucky I got to see him since it was literally my last chance.

Asa Somers as Larry Murphy: Even though he’s the standby, he performed incredibly well. To be honest, To Break in a Glove is my least favorite song on the soundtrack, but he performed it well. I really loved his part in Requiem and his scenes with the whole Murphy family and Evan. His character may not have had a huge part in the show, but the parts he did have were really well done.

Will Roland as Jared Kleinman: Oh my gosh, I love Will Roland. Every single time he was onstage, I laughed out loud at the many hilarious jokes and moments he had as Jared. In the second act, though, my heart broke for Jared so freaking much. I loved hearing him sing in Sincerely, Me, You Will Be Found, and Good For You; Good For You especially showed off his talent, and Sincerely, Me made me love the song so much more than I did originally. He absolutely killed it as Jared, and I’m so glad I got to see him before he leaves on June 10 to play Jeremy in Be More Chill. Speaking of Be More Chill, I didn’t really know much about Will before it was announced that he’d been cast as Jeremy, but after seeing just one scene of him performing as Jared, I knew that he’s perfect for the role of Jeremy. I could already picture it and hear it, too. He has the right voice, the right appearance, and the perfect amount of awkwardness. Seriously, I approve wholeheartedly of this casting choice, and I can’t wait to see him again as Jeremy. I still can’t believe I get to see him twice!!

Phoenix Best as Alana Beck: I honestly didn’t even realize she wasn’t the original Alana at first. She was incredible; her character is a lot like Jared in the sense that they both made me laugh and also made my heart break, but in very different ways, of course. She sang very well in You Will Be Found and Good For You and I loved watching her perform so much.

STAGEDOOR: I waited outside the stagedoor for as long as I could before security asked us all to leave, and I was lucky enough to get four autographs, which you can see in the photo above. From top left to bottom right: Mike Faist, Asa Somers, Rachel Bay Jones, and Laura Dreyfuss. They were all incredibly kind and sweet and it meant the world to me that I got to talk to them. I guess this makes Laura Dreyfuss the first Glee cast member I’ve ever met and the fourth Glee cast autograph I’ve received; if you’d told me two years ago that I’d get to meet her, I wouldn’t have believed you. She’s so lovely. I really wanted to see Will so I could tell him that he did an incredible job as Jared and that he’s going to be such a good Jeremy in Be More Chill, but unfortunately he left out the back door. I was a little bummed, but I was honestly just grateful to be there, so it was all good. Hopefully I’ll meet him when I see him again. Taylor, Jennifer, and Phoenix didn’t come out either.

Overall, I had an incredible experience seeing this show!! My theater-nerd self hasn’t been very active in a while, but my love for theater is definitely back and bigger than ever now. I’m looking forward to seeing even more shows in the future, including (HOPEFULLY) the Off-Broadway production of Be More Chill this summer : )

#original #musical theater #broadway #dear evan hansen #be more chill #taylor trensch #laura dreyfuss #rachel bay jones #jennifer laura thompson #mike faist #asa somers #will roland #phoenix best #feel free to ask me anything about the show if you'd like!!

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katbot · 6 years

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Siendo deseo, deseo, Nos deseamos

This week’s Thirsty Thursday takes a peek into three different portions of my love life. I’ve been battling with the end game of this project, though it’s (hopefully) at least another 5 months in.

Siendo deseo, deseo, Nos deseamos

It’s been six weeks since my last date. Summer is cascading to an end.

Back from a weekend of Atlantic city debauchery, I decide to throw myself back in the game. I match with A, a 31 year old film maker. His pick up line is a snore. I call him out on it and within two back and forths we’ve switched to text. I’m a woman on a mission.

We decide upon Wednesday, in Harlem. A rare location but I’m vaguely still drunk from the night before; I can’t even entertain the idea of battling the heat without another shower.

I switch into shorts and a tee before grabbing a ten minute bus ride.

The bar is… A shit show.

It’s bingo night and the service is slow. I’m already judging this bloke based on his locale choices. I’ve been waiting for the bartender for about ten minutes when a tall man walks up and says my name.

He looks like a Costco brand version The Weekend. I’m on the fence about it until he opens his mouth for more than three seconds. He has an awful southern accent. When I finally get the bartender’s attention, I pay for the first round and usher us to the back patio.

It’s hot but bearable. He’s drinking a cocktail, me a Lagunitas.

He ask me about my weekend and I highlight the charitable aspect of it. He has the sleepy eyes of the Weekend paired with a defiant slouch. It reminds of a bratty kid in detention.

“Sorry. Am I boring you?” I cut myself off mid sentence, eventually too irritated continue

He apologizes then admits he’s tired.

I mean, I’m tired too but I’m here aren’t I?

I say nothing and he begins telling me about his weekend at Afropunk, a festival created to highlight black arts and music. He spent the past two days, filming it. I’m interested only because my sister has gone multiple times.

He perks up a bit, but I’ve already decided this is a waste of time. I think he can tell because he moves the topic to my profile.

“I love how blunt you are. Your profile says exactly like it is. I was worried I was getting catfish.”

Blunt. Everyone keeps saying that. I mean, I know I am – but I’m not sure it’s a compliment anymore.

“Yeah, I figure honesty is the best policy– Should I get another round?”

He picks up this one. I switch to a gin based cocktail and the conversation of video games. It’s fun, and I haven’t spoken in such detail about Metal Gear and FF3 in such a long time.

He keeps laughing and drops the sentence, “Wow I can’t believe I’m talking to a female about video games.”

It stops me in my tracks, I don’t know when female became a slang word but it’s the absolutely worst. I decide to bite my tongue giving him one more chance. I don’t wanna be relied up this late, I’ve got a drink date with Mike and my heat rash flares up when I’m angry.

We decide to go to one more bar, it’s a speak easy a few blocks down. A tells me about his problems growing up black in Texas. It’s super foreign to me. Growing up in NYC has protected me from many if not all race problems. I nod along feeling sympathy but not empathy. I tune out for a while, and wonder if my future husband will be from New York. They’re so many small nuances the city has built into me that I can’t make exceptions for.

We show up to the second bar, again I’m judging him. This isn’t a speak easy, it’s just a bar with no NAME. I hush my alcohol expert voice away and walk inside. It’s a cute bar but tiny. We grab two stools, right by the kitchen. The conversation is better, we switch to comparing Tinders, Music taste, and even our sex playlist. When I finish my first drink, I ask for a final round. When I look up, I can see he’s toasted. I’m shocked. We’ve had four cocktails….the word tipsy isn’t even in my vocabulary yet.

“You’re drunk.”

“Yeah…but I don’t want to go yet….do you wanna share a drink?”

I laugh. When he doesn’t join me I ask if he’s serious.

“Yeah,” he says. “I wouldn’t be able to finish one myself.”

“Um. Sure.”

He orders an egg white gin based cocktail that I’m positive come in a couplet.

When the waitress comes over and can’t answer if it comes in a couplet, I almost ask her to bring the glass to confirm my suspicions. I decide I’m being an asshole and let him order the drink.

It arrives in a couplet.

We share, this stupidly small drink that’s 90% egg white. I make my sips huge to end this abominable experience.

When the waitress comes around she ask how we liked it.

“Awful, may we have the check please?”

She’s taken aback, but delivers the check.

It sits there for two go rounds, the second time, the waitress picks it up and realizes there is no card down.

I can feel the vein popping out of my forehead, “Are YOU going to PAY for that?”

“Oh yeah.” A hurriedly digs into his wallet and puts down a bright orange card.

Outside, he tells me he doesn’t what the night to end.

He’s making fuck me eyes, while I rather get punched by racoons.

Lessons learned: N/A Rating: 3.5/10 App: Tinder

Siendo deseo, deseo, Nos deseamos

Mike shows up at my office unexpected. I hear shuffling feet stop right in front my of door, and when I look over, my heart explodes. I rush over for a hug and even on my tippy toes have no way of reaching the top of him.

We catch an uber to his apartment, which is a mess as per but it’s cozy. I’m stretch out on his couch, while his dog Yogi, yips around me. I love him. Before we head to the bar, I decide to take him for a walk, Mike and I catch up. It’s been almost two months since he left the office. We’ve been texting, but it’s been a while since we’ve seen each other. I forgot how much I’ve missed him.

We drop Yogs off, and head down to Floyd’s, the bar we had our first date in. I make a point to sit in the same exact seats, the universe rewards me because we have the same exact bartender. A few things are different though, I’m a lot less dressed up and a lot more relaxed. Mike and I have been friends for nearly 2 years now.

Built upon many drinks, political text, and basic whinging, we’ve become close friends. Even though, we were accidentally courting while he was on break from his long term girlfriend. I still remember the day I made my move. An uncountable amount of pints, skin tight leggings with perfect makeup, I reached across the table and grabbed for his hand.

“Well….You know how I feel about you…BUTTttt. I don’t know how you feel about me…?”

That night, he paid for our rounds, and we stood in the street trying to work out the past 5 months. He begged us to continue being friends, telling me how much our relationship had changed him, we went back to his to look at pictures of his family. He asked to walk me to the train and shook my head. When he asked if I was okay, I let out a choked “No.” and sobbed the whole way home.

“SO. I got fingered by a TRUMP SUPPORTER THIS WEEKEND.”

He laughs, “How’d you know? His technique?”

We shoot the shit for a couple of hours, but around eight. I can tell he’s tired. Mike’s my friend, but the more we drink, the more I can feel that deep appreaction for him sipping out

We head back to his, and walk Yogs one more time. When he drops off at the train, we both mention how much we miss each other.

I jokingly shout, “YA NOT GONNA GET RID OF ME THAT EASILY, MIKE.”

He screams back, “I DON’T WANT TO!!”

It brings a wistful smile to my mouth.

Rating: Omitted

Siendo deseo, deseo, Nos deseamos

K checks in to see if I’m still down for a drink. I’m on the train back from Mike’s. I forgot we vaguely made plans for tonight. I tell him, I’m leaving work and will be home in about 40 minutes. We arrange to meet on his campus. The 1 train is actually running on time, so I arrive early. I cut across the Columbia campus, texting him to meet me at a local bar called Arts & Crafts.

It’s crowded as fuck, so I head to the bathroom and text K - “Nevermind.”

But when I walk out, I bump into him. He’s holding two pints of beer.

“Fuck.”

“Sorry, I’d already ordered.”

Though, I rather a gin I take the light coloured pint and take a sip.

Yuck it’s a sour. The other is a stout. I’m confused why he ordered two different extremes. I settle on the sour and we grab a bar seat.

He’s cuter than I remember. My memories aren’t that old, considering he’s been texting me nonstop from Iceland. His paleness is still stark, and he’s blonder than ever but his scruff is a plus. We down our beers and head off to find a quieter bar.

I make fun of the college freshman tours mostly to cover for how old I’m currently feeling.

We split a bottle of red wine and I begin to slur. Somehow, probably due to me – we end up at another bar. It’s loud too, but we find a booth in the back that’s quiet.

I’m having an okay time. Drinking mostly to drown thoughts I don’t want to deal with. K is looking at me like I’m a piece of art again. My voice has melted down to a groggy sex drawl.

I like the way K splits drinks. I can pay for things, but most of the time he’s up. I’m all for feminism, but it makes me feel special when guys don’t mind being one or two drinks up.

“It’s good to see you again.”

He leans in for a kiss, it’s nice.

“Thanks you too. But y'know K. You’ve only met me twice.”

“Yes. That doesn’t mean I find you less interesting.”

There’s no hesitation in my voice when I say,

“I want to fuck you, right now, tonight.”

“I would like that.”

We try to find a hotel but I refused to pay 200 dollars in the middle of a night for anything less than a boutique hotel.

He’s sleeping on his friend’s couch, and my roommates are sleeping…

I lose the sex draw, and he pays for a cab back to mine.

He’s the second person I fuck in my tiny bed.

The planks cave in my under my mattress cave, but I don’t care.

He stays the night, despite me telling him I have to get up at seven.

In the morning, he buys me ice coffee and we take the train together.

When his stop arrives, I get up on my toes and we exchange a peck on the lips.

His hand cupping my waist.

“Have a good day.”

When the train pulls off, I’m disturbed by how routine it felt.

I’m still not sure how I felt about K, but it’s 8am and I can hardly begin to unwrap that.

I blast Keane and flow along with the waves of the train, grateful it’s Friday.

Lessons learned: Try to go more with the flow Rating: 7/10 App: Tinder Extended.

#sex diaries #KDD #Thirsty thursdays #the cut #nyc #nyc dating

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youreinreality · 6 years

Text

FLIGHT 42

AU where Harry’s received a Grammy nomination

part 3 of the 2018 AWARD SEASON catch up on the 2018 AWARD SEASON HERE

a/n: Thank you for everyone who has been patiently waiting for this chapter to arrive. This is formatted a little differently than the other two chapters. Since this was an AU, I also had to bring in a familiar face or two just for fun. PLEASE SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS. I’D LOVE TO HEAR THEM.

January 27, 2018. 12:42pm. California. I’m on my couch watching the newest season of The Crown on Netflix when I see my phone light up beside me. Even though it’s resting upside down on the coffee table, I can easily recognize some of the words. The blue little bird on the side alerts me that it’s a Twitter notification, and right next to it, in bold, is Harry’s Twitter username. I stare at in disbelief for a while because I’m not expecting to hear from him so soon. It’s been less than a week since the SAGs, and the Oscars are next week. His actual message is unclear to read from my position, so I reach for the phone and flip it right-side up.

Direct Message from @Harry_Styles: Hello. Ed says he wants to meet you. Just warning you now so you don’t pass out when he says hi tomorrow. See you there. xx H

I reread the message a couple times as my brain tries to race back in time to our interaction at the SAGs. I don’t remember making plans to hang out in-between the award shows, let alone a hang out that involves Ed Sheeran. I take a moment and gush at his thoughtful effort to warn me ahead of time, but my mind continues to flashback through our conversations, and nothing about making plans during the week comes up. I reply anyway, in hopes that I can try to discreetly gather information from him without making it seem like I had forgotten our prior arrangement.

Direct Message to @Harry_Styles: Hi there! Thanks for the warning. Remind me when and where again.

I play the cards right because judging from his quick response, he doesn’t seem to realize that I’m clueless about the whole situation. I don’t even get a chance to resume The Crown before my phone buzzes again.

Direct Message from @Harry_Styles: During commercials probably. We’re sat in the front row. They don’t want him walking too far to get those Grammys.

My eyes stay locked on one word.

Grammys.

He’s talking about the 58th Grammy Awards, which is happening in New York City, tomorrow night. I instantly remember him saying, “See you at the next one,” at the SAGs. I also remember how quickly I promised, “I’ll be there.” Little did any of us know we were both talking about two different events. Since I’m the only one that has realized our miscommunication so far, I respond to his message quickly, not wanting to waste another second.

Direct Message to @Harry_Styles: SOS. Currently still in LA in my pajamas with NO plans at all to go to NYC. SOS.

I know that Harry understands the messy situation we’re in because he doesn’t reply instantly. My phone buzzes after ten minutes. Harry’s sent his number. Without a second thought, I tap on the chain of numbers and press my phone to my ear. It rings one and a half times before I’m greeted by the deep and smooth voice I’ve become so well acquainted with.

“Cori, I’m an idiot.” He sounds tense and frustrated.

My instant reaction is to laugh because this is one of the most ridiculous situations I’ve ever been in. “We’re both idiots actually.”

My light-hearted reaction seems to ease him. “No, I’m the idiot,” he says it again. “For thinking that Lady Bird was nominated for a Grammy.” There’s a pause. “Actually, you know what? This is all your fault. I asked you if you’ll be at the next one and you said yes!”

“Um, I thought you were talking about the Oscars!” I raise my voice as I try to defend myself, but even then my tone is still playful

“You got my hopes up, Corinna Duval.” Even though he is on the other side of the country, I can clearly visualize the cheeky little smile on his face.

“No, don’t say that.” I refuse to allow him to make me feel guilty for a situation that was both of our faults. “You didn’t say you were talking about the Grammys!”

He laughs again. “You didn’t say you were talking about the Oscars!” he says, mocking my tone.

It’s weird only being able to hear him. I’ve gotten used to the luxury of having all our interactions be face to face with each other. I was used to seeing the crinkles around his eyes and the dimples form near his mouth when he’s happy. From where I am now, I can only imagine that that’s what he looks like while I’m talking to him.

“I feel awful though,” I tell him. “I promised that we’d go through this whole award season together.”

He lets out a very dramatic sigh, but I welcome it anyway because it confirms that he’s still trying to make my conscience feel guilty. “Yeah, I was kind of looking forward to it, you know? To see you. To introduce you to my friends. To hang out again.”

My mind lingers on three words. To see you. I don’t let it linger for too long just because his tone suggested he was just saying it to spite me. I decide to continue on as if it didn’t affect me. “Wow, you really know how to make a girl feel better, don’t you?”

“I know.” I can picture the smug look on his face for being able to accomplish his mission.

“I really hope you trip or something when you win your Grammy. You’d deserve it with all the guilt you’re trying to make me feel.”

“If I win,” he corrects me. That’s when I start to recognize the nerves he must be feeling. The confident and playful tone of his voice is replaced with a shaky tremble. “There are some pretty big names next to mine in this category.”

“You’ll be okay, H.” Again, the letter rolls off my tongue so easily that I wouldn’t even remember myself saying it. The only reason why I do is that he makes a comment about it.

“I like when you call me that,” he says softly. “It sounds really nice when you say it.”

For the first time in this conversation, I’m actually glad that he’s not physically here with me. If he saw my rosy cheeks right now it would just give him another reason to pat himself on the back. Again, he’s left me at a loss for words.

“It’s just a letter.”

“Yeah, but I don’t know,” he mumbles. “There’s something about –”

To my disappointment, his thoughts are left unfinished. I hear a rumble of voices from his side of the line. I take it as a sign that our conversation is about to end. He confirms my thoughts when he says, “Hey, Cori. I’m needed for a fitting. Do you mind-“

I cut him off. “Of course. Go ahead. I’ll see you next week!”

“At the Oscars, right?”

“That’s the one.”

“Alright, I can’t wait. See you then.”

January 28, 2018. 6:23am. California. I’m still on the couch. This time, the television’s off. My attention’s on my laptop screen, which is currently on a website that is showing me various round-trip flights from LA to New York City. My phone’s resting on the coffee table, with Saoirse on the other line. I’ve been in this position since 4:43 in the morning when I finally realized that I wasn’t going to get any sort of sleep because my mind and heart were having an internal battle as to whether or not I should go to New York and see Harry. There are only two factors that are stopping me from going.

One: I have a work commitment tomorrow morning, here in LA. Because of the massive success of Lady Bird during award season, we’re required to do more press than ever. Tomorrow, I have several interviews lined up. Two: It seems too romantic of a gesture to make. Flying out and surprising one another seems like something a couple would do for each other, and that’s something that Harry and I definitely aren’t.

I’ve been expressing my thoughts about the situation with Saoirse since I woke up. Her willingness to talk to me before the sun’s even decided to rise further proves how amazing of a person she is.

“Okay, your first reason is dumb,” she tells me. “You’ll just drink a lot of coffee and you’ll be fine. Problem solved.”

“I don’t like coffee.”

She completely ignores my statement and continues, “As for your second reason, yeah, it’s a romantic gesture, Cori. But who cares? If he questions you about it, deny it like he did.”

“Like he did?”

“The hand warmer thing?” she reminds me. “You make a comment about his cold hands the first time that you see him, and then the next time you see him he shows up with hand warmers.”

“No, that wasn’t romantic. He did that for himself.”

She lets out an unpleasant sound, just to exaggerate how annoyed she is. “Okay, Cori. This is getting a little ridiculous. You’re overthinking it way too much. You want to go see him? Okay, go see him. Do it. Just don’t think about it. Worry about it being a “romantic gesture” later when you actually have the flight booked.”

“I-”

“You really think Harry’s going to think about how romantic it is that you bought an airplane ticket for him when he sees you? Probably not. He’s going to just be excited that you’re there. He’s going to want to show you the Grammy that he’d just won. He’s going to poke your cheeks or whatever it is that you guys do. He’s going to be happy. So you should just be happy too. Worry about everything else later. Just live in the moment and do what you want to do.”

There’s silence from both of us.

“Are you still alive, over there?”

“I booked it,” I tell her. Halfway through her rant, I finally chose a flight. It was the only decent option left. I’d land in New York around the same time that the Grammys would end. Then, I have five hours to hang around before I’m off to a returning flight back to LA. When I tell Saoirse the flight details, she doesn’t hide her unimpressed feelings.

“So you’re only going to be in New York for five hours? You’ll be spending more time on a plane than with Harry.”

“That was the only flight that would get me here in time for work tomorrow. There’s no other option.”

Saoirse groans. “I’ll fix this. Go figure out what you’re going to wear. I’ll text you later.”

January 28, 2018. 11:36pm. New York. The butterflies in my stomach appear as soon as the plane lands in New York City. For a while, I forget about them as I try to gather my surroundings at JFK airport. As soon as I take my phone off airplane mode, I’m greeted with a chain of texts from Saoirse. The first one is just an address. The second one tells me that Ed knows I’m here. The third one says that Ed’s going to be waiting for me at this address and that he’ll take me to Harry. The fourth one says that Ed’s invited me to tag along on their flight back to LA, which is leaving just one hour later than my original returning flight.

The fourth text is the one that I stare at the longest. The fourth text is the reason why I decide to call Saoirse while I’m in a taxi, heading to the address she sent. She answers quickly, almost as if she’s expecting my call.

“Cori, don’t yell at me,” she says.

“YOU ASKED ED SHEERAN IF I CAN JOIN HIS PRIVATE FLIGHT BACK TO LOS ANGELES?”

The taxi driver gives me a weird stare through the rearview mirror, but I’m too busy panicking to acknowledge him.

“Fuck Cori. That’s my left ear you’re damaging.” There’s a rumble in the speaker, so I assume she’s switched from her left ear to her right ear. “Okay,” she continues, “Ed offered. He asked how and when you were getting back home, and I told him. Then he said you might as well tag along with them because they’re going back to LA tonight too.”

“Okay, I’m just going to politely decline then.”

“Cori-”

I interrupt her just so I can avoid being persuaded into accepting Ed’s offer. “Thank you for being my fairy godmother tonight, Saoirse. I really do appreciate it. I love you. I’ll call you later.” I end the call because the butterflies in my stomach seem to make for better company than Saoirse at the moment.

After about thirty minutes, the taxi finally pulls up to the destination. From the window, I can see that we’re on an isolated street. There’s no one around. If it wasn’t for the blinking neon sign that said HIGH DIVE, I would have assumed Saoirse had sent the wrong address. As I’m thanking the taxi driver and passing him the cash I owe for his service, the passenger door opens.

“Hello, Cori Duval!” Ed Sheeran is standing on the curb. His iconic ginger hair is a shaggy mess. He’s wearing a white button-up with a loosely fit tie, and black pants. He’s completely barefoot, and he’s sipping on a bottle of beer.

I express my thanks to the taxi driver one last time before getting out of the taxi. As soon as I’m out, I brush my hands through the fabric of my navy blue dress, trying to get the creases off.

“Must not have been a comfortable flight in that outfit, I assume?”

I shrug. “It wasn’t as bad as you think actually.” I reach my hand out to him. “It’s nice to meet you, Ed. I’m a very big fan.”

He slaps my hand away, and before I know it, he wraps his arms around me. “Harry’s going to flip his shit when he sees you,” he tells me when he pulls away. “Am I really supposed to believe that you did all this just so you wouldn’t break a promise?”

“Promises are very important to me, Ed.”

“I don’t know. It seems like quite a romantic gesture to me.” The way he emphasizes ‘romantic gesture’ makes me think that Saoirse hasn’t resisted telling him my dilemma. When he winks at me, that just further confirms it. “It’s kind of adorable,” he adds. He nods his head towards the bar and starts walking.

“What is this place?” I ask, stumbling behind him. Now that I’m closer to the building, the small details like the tinted windows and brick walls that make up the exterior of the building caught my eye.

“It’s one of the best dive bars in the city,” Ed says, opening his arms up as if it was possible to give this building a hug. “It’s New York City’s hidden gem. Come on in.”

The interior of the building is the complete opposite of its exterior. It’s alive. The first thing I notice when I walk in is the size of the bar. It sits on the far left side of the wall, and it extends all the way from the door to the other end of the building. The music that’s playing is so excruciatingly loud that the sound of the bass makes it seem like the floor’s vibrating. There are people everywhere. The lights are pretty dim so it’s hard to recognize any famous faces, but everyone is dressed so nicely that it would have been easy to assume everyone has at least a million dollars in their bank account.

“I’ll take you to Harry. Follow me,” Ed says.

So I do.

Ed wedges himself in between people so easily, and I struggle to keep up with the pace that he’s going. As we’re weaving through, I notice that people are smiling at Ed as he passes by. If they can reach him, they give him a pat on the shoulder, and he turns back and smiles at them, promising that he’ll come back later. It isn’t until I hear someone yell, “CONGRATULATIONS,” that I understand what’s going on.

I hadn’t been able to catch up on who won big at the Grammys, or if Harry was one of them. From the way that people are reacting towards him, it’s safe to say that Ed picked up an award tonight.

“Wait up, Ed.” I tug on his arm to get him to stop walking.

“Is something wrong?” There’s a deep look of worry sketched on his face.

I hug him. “I didn’t get to congratulate you!”

Ed pulls away, and I’m happy to see that his worried look has disappeared. “You don’t even know what you’re congratulating me for.”

“It’s not that hard to guess,” I tell him. “Congratulations. I’m very happy for you.”

“Thank you, Cori.” I can see that he is genuinely appreciative, but he quickly turns and continues to walk. He finally stops when we’ve arrived at a hallway. On the opposite end that we’re standing on is a spiral staircase.

“He’s up there. Good luck, Cori.” He gives me an encouraging pat on the back before he disappears.

The top of the staircase takes me to the rooftop of the building. The first thing I notice is the small little table that’s tucked away in the corner. I notice it first because of the one thing that’s resting on top of it: A Grammy so golden, that even in the darkest hour of the night, it’s very visible. I squint my eyes to look at the engraved text just to make sure my assumptions are right.

HARRY STYLES 2018 Best Pop Solo Performance Sign of the Times

It’s hard not to shed a tear seeing that combination of letters form into those specific words. I pull it together though because Harry’s straight ahead of me, his back turned to me. He’s leaning over the edge of the railing. One hand is in his pocket, the other is holding the phone that’s next to his ear. On the other side of the call, I can hear a female voice. He stands out amongst the dull colors at the rooftop, and a lot of it has to do with the floral light blue Gucci suit he’s wearing. If it’s any other situation, I would’ve left and waited for him to finish the call. However, after all the work it took to get here, I can’t wait another second. I come closer to him and tap his shoulder two times. I take a step back to give him room to turn around.

When he does and our eyes meet, the world freezes. His jaw drops. I notice his eyes squint, probably trying to confirm if it’s actually me. I don’t blame him since the rooftop is quite dark. It’s hard to even distinguish the green tint to his eyes that I’ve gotten so familiar with. If I were in his position, I’d be doing the same thing. The only assurance I have that it is Harry I’m staring at, and not just some random guy in a Gucci suit, is the left dimple that appears on his face, as he smirks. Then, the hand that isn’t holding the phone moves to rest on his waist, and he crosses his ankles together. His tongue is slightly visible as it tries to fight past his smiling teeth.

It’s hard to fight back a giggle because, whether he realizes or not, he’s doing the Kiwi pose right in front of me.

“All right, Gem,” he says to the phone, although his eyes are greeting me with a hello. “I have to go. I have to say hi to someone…Yeah, I’ll call again tomorrow…Love you, too. Bye.” He drops his phone, tucking it into his jacket pocket. He remains in the pose, with the smuggest look on his face. “Well, you’re a sight for sore eyes.”

I bite my lip, trying to fight back the biggest grin in the world. Being able to witness the happiness that’s encapsulating him at this very moment was worth every single stressful decision and butterfly in my stomach. I wish my mind can take a photo right now because it would make for the most beautiful picture.

“What are you doing here, Cori?” he asks, taking a step closer to me.

With my hands behind my back, I take a step to him too. “You made me feel guilty for not coming here.”

“Hmm, is that so?” His head is tilted and he’s smirking. He takes another step.

I’m forced to bend my neck back he’s so close. “Yes. This mess is all your fault,” I poke him in the chest.

“Well, this is the most beautiful mess I’ve ever been a part of.” After those words leave his mouth, I feel myself being lifted up into the air. His hands are around my waist and we begin to twirl.

“Harry!” I clutch tightly onto his neck to balance myself. “Put me down!” I’m glad he doesn’t listen instantly because I’m enjoying this moment far too much.

When he finally places me back on the ground, we’re both out of breath. I step back from him, trying to gather my surroundings, but Harry’s not having any of that. He reaches for my wrist and tugs me closer. “I can’t believe you’re here.” He’s tucking the strands of hair that got loose from his twirling attempt.

“We’re supposed to get through this award season together, aren’t we?”

His face is hard to read. He’s searching for something in my eyes. He stares at them for a very long time. He’s wearing an expression on his face that I haven’t seen before. It’s completely unreadable. There’s a smile on his lips, but it’s so faint that it’s unfamiliar. I’m searching his eyes to try and figure out his emotions but I’m unable to find anything recognizable.

I poke his cheek, and that seems to snap him out of his trance. “Your tie’s all messed up now.” It’s untucked and the back end of the tie has grown longer compared to the front. “Do you mind?”

He extends his neck out, welcoming me to fix it. It takes only a few seconds for me to actually remember how to tie a tie. When I finish it, and my hands are about to let go, he looks downwards. That sudden movement puts the bottom of his face right in the palm of my hands. He moves his head even lower, so then my hands are on his lips. I feel him take a deep breath. His eyes are on me. I hear the faint sound of his lips puckering.

“What are you doing?”

He sighs, leaning back and giving me full access to my hands again. “Just needed to prove to myself that you’re actually in front of me right now.”

“How’d it go? Am I just a figment of your imagination?”

“No, you’re very real.” He pokes my upper cheek. I expect myself to wince from his cold touch, but I don’t. His hands are warm, but the warmth radiating from them is much different than the warmth I felt at the SAGs. This time, it’s easy to tell that it’s his natural warmth coming through. It’s not artificial. I decide to not mention it for now.

“Oh,” he says suddenly. “I almost forgot.” He goes back to the small little table and grabs the Grammy. He doesn’t know that I’ve seen it already, but he doesn’t need to because when he hands it over for me to hold, I start to tear up again. The first thing I touch is the engraved letters that spell out his name. I look up at him and he’s already staring at me, just waiting for my reaction. “What are you crying for?” His index finger swipes the couple of tears that started to fall. “I’m supposed to be the one doing that.”

“You’ve done it, Harry.” My voice is terribly shaky, and my eyes repeatedly glance at him and the Grammy. “I’m so proud of you. This is all yours. You’ve written songs about your life and you just got given the biggest compliment any musician can get.” I put the Grammy right in front of his face. “You know what this means?”

His head slightly shakes, urging me to go on. So I do.

“You’re proving everyone wrong. You came out of this boyband and they were all expecting you to continue with your cheesy little pop songs, but you didn’t. Instead, you gave them Sign of the Times. You gave them Kiwi. You gave them From the Dining Table. You’re not just someone in this little boyband anymore. You’re Harry Styles. You just won a fucking Grammy.”

Now it’s my turn to wipe the couple of tears that have started to form around his eyes. As I do so, he chuckles. “Was that your fangirl side?”

“I don’t even know anymore,” I tell him, and it’s the truth. That little rant could easily have been blamed on my fangirl side, where words come out of my mouth before I can even comprehend them, but this time it was different. As I was saying those words to him, I meant every single one. It doesn’t feel right to just blame it on that part of me. “It felt great saying it to you though. I don’t think many people get to express how proud they are of someone that they’re truly a fan of.”

Ed pops out of nowhere, interrupting our conversation. “Hey, you two. I don’t know if you’re aware but there’s a party downstairs. Come on. The tab’s on me tonight and no one’s buying enough drinks for me to complain about it just yet.”

I can tell that Harry wants to stay. I don’t blame him. I do too. However, Ed’s right. He has a reason to celebrate and he should be doing that with everyone he loves. “Let’s go down there.” I give the Grammy back to him. “You can’t be all mine tonight.”

I hear him mumble something under his breath, but he says it too quickly and too quietly for me to be able to understand.

When Harry and I come downstairs, we’re immediately greeted by a small crowd. It’s a little overwhelming at first because they’re all hollering with excitement at Harry. He gets submerged in the crowd easily. I notice him look back at me with an apologetic look in his eyes, but I just wave him off. He has no need to feel sorry for me tonight. This is his night.

I don’t have time to even be sad about losing Harry because Ed takes his spot rather quickly. “You want a drink?”

“No thank you,” I say politely. Even though I’m talking to Ed now, I’m still staring at Harry. Luckily, he’s wearing something quite colorful that stands out amongst the sea of neutral colors that are surrounding him.

Ed has my attention once I hear him mention Saoirse’s name. “Sorry, what did you just say?”

“SAOIRSE,” he says a little bit louder as if it was the music’s fault as to why I was unable to hear him the first time. “SHE SAID THAT YOU’RE GOING TO TRY AND TELL ME THAT YOU DON’T NEED TO FLY WITH US BACK TO LA, BUT THAT I SHOULDN’T LET YOU DO THAT.”

“Ed, you don’t need to shout. I hear you perfectly fine.” I rub my ear with my finger, trying to wipe away some of Ed’s spit that landed on it.

“Oh, sorry. But yeah, you’re going back to LA with us. I won’t take no for an answer because Saoirse says that I shouldn’t take no for an answer.”

“Ed, it’s fine. I already have a flight.”

He shakes his head. “I’m going to tell Harry, right now. Once he knows, it’ll be too late for you to back out.” He winks and runs to Harry’s direction.

“Ed! WAIT! NO!” My effort to stop him goes to waste because he’s well out of reach from me now.

After being ditched by Ed, I find a secluded area in the corner of the bar to attach myself to. There is a leather couch and a coffee table, and it reminds me of where I was exactly 24 hours ago. I dig my phone out of my dress pocket, and my fingers begin to viciously tap a message to Saoirse. I’m in the middle of a sentence that’s questioning why Ed is so heavily involved in this situation when I feel the cushion I’m sitting in sink lower. After that, I feel a poke on my cheek, and I don’t even need to think about who has come to sit next to me.

“Are you really flying back with us or is Ed just trying to fuck with me?”

If I had kept my eyes on my phone or on my feet or anywhere that wasn’t those green eyes, I would’ve been able to lie and tell him that I was okay with taking the flight back to LA by myself. However, I have no self-control when it comes to him.

“Only if you want me there,” I say to him.

He nudges my shoulder playfully. “Of course I want you there, Cori. Why wouldn’t I?”

I shrug. “I don’t know. You and Ed probably have a lot of people you’re flying back with. I wouldn’t want to interrupt.”

He’s smiling again and even though it’s my millionth time seeing it, the effect of it still hits me as if it’s the first time. “You might actually like the people we fly back with.”

I’m about to ask him to clarify, but a waiter comes along to interrupt us. He places two glasses of champagne on the coffee table in front of us. I have no plans to get drunk tonight, but a free drink is hard to resist. As I reach for it, Harry follows suit. We clink our glasses together and take a sip.

“You want to know something crazy?” he says, setting the glass back down.

“Tell me.”

“I was going to do it.” He takes a long pause. “I was thinking about getting you a plane and flying you out here myself.”

It’s hard to tell if he’s being serious or not because his face is happy all the time, so it’s a default of mine to just assume that he’s joking around. “Very funny.”

“I’m serious, Cori! I was going to do it. After I hung up, I was going to call back asking if you wanted to come here or not.”

“But you didn’t.”

Even while he takes a sip of champagne, he’s still smiling. “I didn’t.”

“You’re not going to tell me why you didn’t?” He’s being so coy. It’s adorable, but it’s also irritating.

“I will, but only if you tell me why you decided to come here.”

“I already told you,” I say. “You made me feel guilty.”

He scrunches his face up showing how unpleasant he found my answer to be.

“Harry!” I push him away. “You’re being annoying.”

“I just want you to tell me the truth,” he says innocently.

“I am!”

Before I can even comprehend what’s happening, he leans over to me, our foreheads crash into each other. “It’s okay, Cori. You don’t have to tell me now.” He doesn’t seem to accept my answer. “We have the whole night ahead of us.” He lets out a groan as he leaves the comfort of the couch. “Now, come on. It’s time to show you off to my friends.”

As much fun as it is being introduced to all these very important people in the music industry, I’m having much more fun watching Harry. There’s something much different about him tonight. It’s a version of him I’ve never seen before. I remember marveling at his self-confidence at the Golden Globes. He looked like he belonged there. That’s why I was so shocked when he expressed his nervousness to me at the SAGs. If he hadn’t told me how much he sought comfort from my presence, I would’ve never known. Tonight is much more different. The confidence when I first met him was easily visible but tonight, it’s practically oozing out of him. He’s so comfortable. This is where he belongs. This is his world, and it’s a complete honor being able to see him in it.

There are so many people to greet and smile at that I let out a sigh of relief when Harry steers us back to the corner sofa and coffee table. Our butts land on the sofa together and somehow he manages to sling his arm over my shoulder. I commend myself for not stiffening at his touch.

“I had to get you away from them,” he reveals to me. “They like you a little too much, and that’s not fair because I met you first.”

“Are you saying you were jealous?”

“Yeah, I was. They’ll have to get in line,” he says it so casually that it shocks me. I was hoping to get some banter off of him. By the look he’s giving me, I can tell that he wanted me to be shocked. He looks proud of himself. “You want to tell me why you came here now?”

I clear my throat. That’s why he was so open to me because he wanted something in return. However, the truth he’s seeking from me isn’t quite ready to be shared yet. I don’t even know if my inner conscience has shared it with myself.

“I’m guessing that’s a no.”

“We got the whole night ahead of us, don’t we?”

January 29, 2018. 4:32 am. New York. I’ve never been to a private airport before. In fact, I technically still haven’t because the car that’s taking Ed, Harry, and I there immediately swerves away from the small little building and drives us right next to the airplane that’s taking us back to California. The three of us shuffle out of the car. Harry immediately goes to the trunk and picks up his bags. Because of my last minute decision to come, I’m traveling light so there’s nothing for me to carry. It seems that Ed is doing the same because all he’s carrying in his hands is his Grammy.

A man exits the plane and comes down the stairs to greet him. “Mr. Sheeran, welcome aboard.”

“Good to see you again, Tom. This is Cori Duval.” He nods his head in my direction. “She’s going to be flying back with us too.”

Tom bows his head to me. “Welcome, Ms. Duval.”

“Thank you. This plane is quite beautiful.”

“Isn’t she? She’s quite new. I think this is her 42nd flight.”

My breath hitches for just a second at the mention of that specific number. I’m about to turn back and call Harry over so I can repeat that fact to him, but, of course, he’s already right behind me, with a couple of bags slung over his shoulder. With the glee that’s written on his face, I can tell that he’s heard it. He winks at me.

“Make yourself at home, Cori,” Ed tells me, obviously not realizing how significant that number is to Harry and me. He climbs up the stairs to the plane first. I follow him up, holding on to the railing. Harry’s behind me, and I feel his hand on my lower back, guiding me to make sure I don’t fall.

Surprisingly, the small plane can provide for quite a number of people. On the left side is one long sofa, extending as far out to the end of the plane. It can easily fit six people. On the other side is the regular layout for an airplane. Three pairs of seats all back to back with each other.

When I enter the plane, Ed is already lounging on one of the airplane chairs with his eyes closed. I jump towards the sofa, extending my legs and giving them a breather for having survived quite a night. When Harry enters, he places his bag on one the seats and sits down on the remaining space of the sofa that I hadn’t taken over yet. He lifts my legs and places it on his lap so he can scoot closer to me.

“Other people are still coming right?” I ask out loud.

“Yeah,” Harry answers. “They just texted me. They should be here in a couple of minutes.”

“Will there be enough room for them?”

“Yeah, it’s only two other people.”

Ed’s eyes open. “Two? I thought three, Harry?”

“No, we’re meeting up with Lou in LA. We’re all getting breakfast.”

I recognize Lou Teasdale’s name instantly. My face might’ve lit up because Harry glances at me and smirks. “You know Lou?”

“I think everyone who knows you know Lou. She’s a legend.”

Harry opens his mouth to speak, but the noise coming from outside of the plane stops us. It’s easy to figure out that it’s the voice of two men They were talking to each other, and they were laughing. It’s the laughs that give away their identity to me. Harry has finally released my legs, so I’m able to sit up from my spot on the sofa. My eyes are locked on the airplane door, waiting for them to walk through it. From the corner of my eye, I notice that Harry’s gaze is on me. I meet his eyes for a moment and he smiles, and that’s all the confirmation I need. He knows that I know who’s about to walk in the plane.

“Knock, knock.” Liam Payne enters the plane first, holding an unopened box of beers. He’s wearing a black hoodie and grey sweatpants. “Hello, friends!” I’ve never seen a happier face walk into a room.

“Payno!” Ed’s out of his seat quickly and hugs Liam.

“Oh. My. God.” My hands come up to my mouth just so I can hide the surprised look on my face.

Even though Ed and Liam are hugging near the door, I still manage to have a look at the final person that enters through the door. “There they are!” Niall Horan steps inside, also donning a simple outfit consisting of a sweater and some joggers. Instead of bringing a box of beers, he’s clutching on to a black guitar case. “I thought it smelled like Grammy winners in here!” He sets his guitar on the floor and reaches for Ed.

Harry leans over and takes my hand out of my mouth. “I wasn’t talking about Lou Teasdale,” he says softly. I felt him kiss the top of my forehead, and if it were any other moment I would’ve freaked out. However, there are much bigger things to freak out about, like having three out of five One Direction members right in front of me.

“Harry, I-” My sentence is left unfinished because he’s already left me and walked over to his former bandmates.

Ed excuses himself out of the company of Niall and Liam to properly give the three of them a moment with each other. At first, the three of them engulf each other in a group hug. Niall and Liam fit comfortably in each of Harry’s arms. Then, they step out and Niall attacks Harry with a hug. ‘Attack’ is the right word to describe it because he literally tackles him into one of the airplane seats. As they’re hugging, Liam asks him where the Grammy is. What Harry says is inaudible to me, but Liam must’ve understood because he starts rummaging through Harry’s bags.

“Well, that’s a beauty isn’t it?” Liam says once he’s dug it out.

Niall shrieks when he sees it and lets go of Harry instantly. “Give it to me, I want to hold it!”

“Hold on!” Liam tells him. “It’s my turn!”

I could stay here and watch this moment unfold for the rest of my life. My attention is solely focused on the three of them, and watching their interactions with each other that I fail to realize Ed has chosen to sit next to me. “You’re staring at them like they’re fucking dinosaurs, Cori.”

“How often does this happen, Ed?”

“Every couple of weeks, I think.”

I look at Ed. “Seriously? That’s crazy that none of that has leaked to the press yet.”

“Yeah,” Harry joins us now, settling on the other empty spot next to me. “We’re very good at keeping it private. I trust you won’t say a thing?”

“Are you kidding? I’m about to call TMZ right now!”

Harry bursts out laughing and as he does so, his arm slithers around my shoulder again. It’s weird that I’ve already gotten used to having him in such close proximity. “Oi!” He shouts at the two boys who are still fawning over the Grammy. “Don’t be rude, lads. Come say hi to Cori!”

Niall comes first, and he takes the seat to my left. “Hello, darling. Nice to meet you!” Even though I’m squished between Ed and Harry, Niall still makes the effort to kiss both of my cheeks. He even tries for a hug, but it just becomes an awkward pat on the back from both of us because Harry doesn’t let go of me.

“Geez, Haz. Share her, will you?” Niall glares at him before grabbing his guitar case and slipping into one of the airplane seats.

Liam comes next, and this time Harry lets go of me, so I’m able to give him a proper greeting. It’s a big deal hugging Liam since he is my favorite member of One Direction. Being able to see his puppy eyes and the way his face crinkles when he’s happy can easily be checked off my bucket list.

“Hi Liam,” I say, entering his chest. My fangirl side overcomes me and I squeeze him tightly, just to remind myself that this moment is real.

“Finally nice to meet you, babe. Harry’s been talking about you for quite some time now.”

“Thanks, Liam,” Harry says from behind me. “Want to tell her my blood type while you’re at it?”

Everyone finally settles down after a few moments. Liam, Ed, and Niall are on the other side of the plane, excitedly talking amongst themselves. Harry and I remain on the couch, his head in my lap. His eyes are closed as my fingers rummage through his brown curls.

His breathing is relatively calm so I imagine that he’s already asleep. He’s had such a long night that it makes sense as to why he’s so tired all of a sudden. However, I can’t stop myself from whispering to him. “Thanks for having me, H.”

He stirs, and his eyes flutter open at the sound of my voice. “Thank you for coming.”

“Are you sleeping already, Haz?”

“Yes, I’m exhausted. Leave me alone.”

“We haven’t even sung anything yet!” Liam whines.

“I’m tired,” Harry grumbles, cuddling closer to me.

“Do you want to hear anything, Cori?” Liam asks me, and his eyes were screaming at me to say something. “I’m sure Harry would sing with us if you asked him to.”

The fangirl side of me is not letting go of this opportunity to be serenaded by part of One Direction and Ed Sheeran. Although I care about Harry’s well-being a lot, it would be a crime to waste this opportunity. It doesn’t take long for me to figure out what song they can all sing together.

“Over Again, please.”

Niall hollers when he hears my song request. “That’s a good one!” He passes his guitar to Ed, who gladly accepts it. Even he shoots me a happy smile. “Come on Haz! Let’s not disappoint this pretty girl.”

Beneath me, I feel Harry take a deep breath. “Fine. Go on, Liam.”

Ed begins to strum his guitar, and Liam clears his throat.

Said I’d never leave her 'cause her hands fit like my T-shirt Tongue tied over three words, cursed Running over thoughts that make my feet hurt Bodies intertwined with her lips...

January 29, 2018. 7:06am. California. Two cars are awaiting us once we land in LA. After hugging and saying goodbye to Niall, Liam, and Ed, they jump into the same vehicle. Harry and I are walking to the car behind them when I hear Niall roll his window down.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come for breakfast with us, Cori?”

“Yeah!” Liam adds. “We’ll sing more songs to you if you want! It’ll sound better since Louis will be there!”

“That’s okay!” I yell back at them. “I have interviews to get ready for! I’ll see you guys soon though!”

“Alright! Bye, darling!” Niall puckers his lips and blows me a kiss.

“Good luck at the Oscars, babe!” Liam gives me a thumbs up.

“Don’t forget to tell Saoirse how good of a job I did taking care of you,” Ed reminds me, giving me a wave from the front seat.

When they roll their windows back up, Harry instantly pulls me into a soul-crushing hug. I feel his mouth rest on the top of my head. My arms cling on to his waist as we start to rock back and forth together.

“Corinna Duval,” he mumbles into my hair.

“Harry Styles,” I whisper against his chest.

“Our night’s over. Don’t you have something to tell me?” Since he’s still leaning on my head, I feel a smile start to spread on his face.

I pull back from his chest to look up at him. “I was hoping you’d forget about that.”

“So?” He’s awaiting my answer.

“I don’t know, Harry.”

“Coriiiiiii!”

“No, listen to me.” I cover his mouth with my hand. “I don’t know. That’s my answer. Something was just telling me that I needed to do it, so I did. I wish I had this long and drawn out explanation but I don’t. I just felt like I should be here for you, so that’s why I’m here.”

“That’s it? You just had a feeling and you just went for it?” He’s searching my eyes again as if I was hiding the truth from him.

“I mean I hesitated for a while. I was worried you were going to see it as this one big romantic gesture, but I decided to just let it go. Worry about it later, you know?” He says nothing, continuing to look at me as if I’m something he’s never seen before. “What?”

“I wish I did that,” he says softly, pushing the loose strands of hair out of my face. “I wish I didn’t hesitate.”

It’s my turn to poke him in the cheek. “You’re going to tell me why now?”

I wish he has a hard time telling me just like I did to him, but he doesn’t. He’s so easy going. “I thought it was selfish of me to do it. I mean, how arrogant is that? Expecting a girl you like to just drop everything and go see you just because you ask her to? The women in my life would shame me for the rest of my existence.”

“A girl you like, huh?”

“Ah, the truth slips out.” Though from the look he’s giving me, I can tell that he spilled the truth on purpose.

“I don’t know what to say to that.”

“Hmm.” He pulls me into his chest again. "I’ve left you at a loss for words again?”

I let out a groan, but since my head is against his chest, it’s just muffled into his body.

“You don’t have to say anything else, Cori.” I feel his fingers start to draw shapes into the back of my spine. “The fact that you came to see me on your own will, without me asking you to says enough. It means that whatever I’m feeling right now isn’t one-sided, so that makes me happy.”

The honk from Ed, Niall, and Liam’s car startle us enough to break our hug. In a way, I’m glad because that means that neither of us would have to do it ourselves. From past experience, I know that Harry never breaks the hug first, and having been smothered in a lot of his hugs for the last couple of hours, I don’t think I would’ve had the strength to let go myself.

“Your carriage awaits,” Harry sighs, opening the door for me. It’s easy to read the look of sadness on his face.

I step into the car and Harry closes it. I immediately push the button that rolls the window down. Harry bends down and pushes his head in. “Remind me when I’m seeing you again?”

“Six days.”

“Ugh, that’s too far away.”

“We went two weeks without seeing other after the Golden Globes.”

“Well, these couple of hours have spoiled us pretty well.”

The car in front of the one I’m in honks again.

“It seems that your carriage is getting tired of waiting too.”

“They can wait one more second. Excuse me, sir,” he says, acknowledging the person sitting in the driver’s seat of the car. “Please make sure you get this one home safely. She has to pick up an Oscar on Sunday.”

I roll my eyes at him for the first time in long while.

Harry notices too. “There she is! I was wondering when you were going to do that.”

“I didn’t even realize I hadn’t rolled my eyes at you yet.”

“I did,” he says proudly. “That just means I’m winning you over more and more.”

The car honks again. This time, it’s paired with a very angry Niall. “HARRY! IF YOU DON’T GET IN HERE RIGHT NOW IM GOING TO STEAL YOUR GRAMMY.”

“You better go. Niall’s going to change the name on that Grammy to ‘One Direction’ any second now.”

“I’ll see you soon then.” He pokes his head through the window and leans in closer to me. I close my eyes because I’m expecting to feel his fingers press into my cheeks one last time, but he doesn’t. Instead, I feel his lips brush the side of my face. His kiss technically lands on my cheek, but it’s so close to my lips that it makes me aware that if I had angled my face a little differently, it would have landed right on my lips.

“Bye, H.”

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