#the ship that keeps murdering me over and over again from beyond

[soulessjourney]

Quiet Confessions

Paring: Astarion x fem!DurgTavReader

Word count: 1.4k

Summary: As memories flood back, Tav opens up to Astarion beneath the moonlight, sharing the chains that bind her.

Warnings: Truama talk, mentions of abuse and violence, Angst, fluff, hurt and comfort, Tav being an emotional wreck in the softest way possible, talk of self hatred

A/N: I'm gradually working my way down the list of tasks I need to complete, which means I'm getting closer to the fantastic requests I've been receiving. If you have a request, feel free to share it! I thoroughly enjoy bringing your ideas to life!

Uncertain of how long you had been away from camp, you found yourself lying in the grass, gazing up at the moon. Time slipped away as you became lost in the labyrinth of your thoughts. The journey began when a torrent of memories, once erased during your escape from the ship's pod, flooded back, triggering a piercing headache. These recollections unveiled a darker version of yourself, one capable of committing unspeakable acts in pursuit of power. The realization of your own monstrous nature left you feeling contaminated, haunted by the deeds done beyond your control.

Choosing to forget the past, you had embarked on a new life, hoping to bury the shadow of the person you once were. Yearning for the demise of that former self and its memories, you couldn't help but wish they had perished the day you awoke on that ship.

The serenity of your contemplation was interrupted by the soft cadence of approaching footsteps. Astarion, with his distinctive gait, revealed his presence. Over the past few months, you had honed the ability to identify individuals by the sound of their steps—a skill cultivated, perhaps, by the constant threat of someone attempting to sneak up on you.

Sitting up, you turned to Astarion, offering a tender smile, reciprocated by his affectionate gaze. "Once again, I fail to surprise you, my love," he remarked, settling down beside you.

You shrugged, reclining in the grass, allowing your gaze to settle on the moon. A comfortable silence enveloped the space between you as Astarion leaned back on one hand, holding a book in the other. He never felt the need to inquire if something was amiss; he understood that you would approach him when ready, just as you had done for him. Neither of you pressured the other, always waiting until one felt inclined to share what weighed on your minds. This dynamic defined the perfection of your relationship—rooted in trust and patience, creating a beautiful harmony. Astarion sensed your internal struggle and refrained from prying, recognizing the feeling of being bound to something without an escape.

You debated with yourself on how to approach the topic. Keeping your gaze fixed on the sky, you decided to let your thoughts flow into words. "Sometimes when I look in the mirror, all I can see is a monster—a cold-blooded killer who gazes into people's eyes as life leaves them. I hate how good it makes me feel when it happens," you suddenly confessed, pulling Astarion's attention away from the book. He closed it, placing it beside him, and lays back beside you, offering his undivided attention. He was prepared to listen to every word, no matter how violent or disturbing, understanding that being present for you in this moment was the best form of support.

"As I would take off my armor and examine my arms, a part of me felt ashamed of what I saw. Scars where the skin was rubbed raw. Initially, I thought nothing of it, but now I can feel those shackles that kept me confined to that room. A room with a window too high for me to look out, allowing sunlight to reveal its true small and decaying nature. A room where the body of the person I murdered lay in the corner, reeking of death, and I was forced to stare at it for days until the stench drove me mad," you whispered, furrowing your eyebrows as your mind wandered back into that haunting memory.

Anger surged through Astarion upon your confession. You were a prisoner of your own mind, with no escape until recently, just like him. Astarion refrained from touching you as he observed you beginning to fall back into the past—a familiar experience, losing oneself in a memory and reliving it.

"The day I felt those chains break from the ground was the day I learned how to truly walk. It was the day I killed so many people, and every single one of them begged for their life. I remember laughing and smiling like an accomplished fool when I took their lives. It's so disgusting, knowing that I did what I did, how I killed the people that I did. With that came the pure torture my so-called father put me through. He would lock me in this room with his followers and see just how much pain I could take. He claimed it was to make me stronger, to be the perfect killer I was born to be. But each time they cut into me, I lost myself piece by piece," you whispered, your voice thick with emotion.

Astarion rolled onto his side to look at you, studying your features as you spoke. He noticed the subtle cues—how your jaw clenched when discussing anger-inducing events, how your eyes softened when recalling taking an innocent life, and how your nose would scrunch when lost in thought. Everything about you was beautiful, breathtaking even, which intensified his resentment for the pain you had endured.

As you spoke, Astarion began to grasp why you lingered sometimes, gazing at views or exploring houses and temples. These were sights stripped from most of your life, confined to the inside of a cell or a room, enduring unimaginable pain.

What you chose to share next shattered Astarion and revealed the depth of your strength. "But now that I have Wyll, Gale, Karlach, Shadowheart, Lae’zel, Halsin, and even you, I'm learning how to be strong for the first time ever. I'm learning how to confront the darkness and face my own reflection without resentment, knowing that I bear the face you love and cherish. I'm learning how to truly live for the first time, and it terrifies me," you confessed. Astarion felt his eyes soften, his hand moving to rest beside yours, his pinky gently brushing against the side of your hand in a small gesture of comfort.

Lost in your memories, you didn't even register the subtle caress of his finger on your hand. Your eyes had glazed over, ensnared in the labyrinth of your mind, silent tears tracing their path from the corners of your eyes. Your profound silence began to concern Astarion; it seemed as if you were paralyzed in that moment, with no discernible movement. He felt a sense of helplessness, unable to assist you in the way he desired, as he, too, often succumbed to the torturous memories inflicted by Cazador.

When a strangled sob shattered the silence between you, Astarion sat up and enveloped you in his arms. This was a method he knew could often bring comfort when you broke down. No words needed to be spoken as he held you tightly. You were someone who wore a mask around others, refusing to reveal your vulnerabilities. Yet, with him, you found solace and strength, as he did with you. Lae’zel often remarked on how you both carried the weight of the world, calling you two sides of the same coin.

Or when rejecting Gale, he commented on the irony of your love for Astarion, noting the striking similarity in your personalities. While said to hurt you, there was truth in his words. You and Astarion understood the shared pain and the deep connection between you, choosing to be there for one another and share love you both craved.

Drawing you closer, Astarion let your head rest in the crook of his neck, his cheek against the side of your head. He released a breath he hadn't realized he was holding when he felt your arms wrap around his middle, bringing you back from the daze you were trapped in. You were here, in his arms, holding on as if afraid he would vanish if you let go. Leaning back slightly, he cupped your face in his hand, running his thumbs over your cheeks in a soothing manner. "There you are, my love. I was worried I lost you," he said, the concern and fear evident in his voice.

Shaking your head, you placed your hands over his, leaning into his touch. Although your response was silent, he understood. "Can we stay and watch the sunrise? I've never seen it before, and I want to experience this new thing with you," you whispered, searching his eyes for any sign of rejection. You wanted to linger, to feel alive, if only for a moment, before returning to the mask you had carefully crafted.

Pressing his lips to the crown of your head, he nodded, pulling you closer and shifting so you both could sit in a more comfortable position. "Of course, my love. For you, I'd sit through a million sunrises if you asked me to," he said, prompting a small smile to grace your lips. This moment with the person you cherished was your sanctuary, he was your home.

#dnd elves #high elves #astarion #baldur's gate 3 #bg3 astarion #bg3 #astarion romance #astarion bg3 #baldurs gate 3 #astarion headcanon #astarion headcanons #astarion x tav #astarion x you #astarion x reader #tav x astarion #astarion x f!tav #bg3 fic #astarion drabble #astarion fic #bg3 tav #astarion ancunin #fanfiction #baldur's gate iii #baldurs gate #shadowheart #wyll ravengard #gale dekarios #karlach #gale of waterdeep #lae'zel

[texasthoughtsaboutnothing]

The Stranger and my thoughts on where each LCB Sinner is at (Long)

Hey, I actually sat down and read L'etranger, Meursault's source novel. I've got some fucking feelings about it, especially relating it to Limbus Company and what it might mean for his Canto in like 2 years.

Firstly, you should read or listen to this book. It's short, surprisingly punchy, and easy to follow. I (probably) don't have autism but I can absolutely see a read of this where the character does or is neurodivergent in some other way; beyond his relationship and evaluation of social queues and norms he also seems to deal with sensory issues. There are better people than me who should talk about this and I'm probably not adding a lot to the conversation but keeping this reading in my head for the climax added an extra layer of discomfort (intentional discomfort for the benefit of the story's message, I should say) to the whole book. But It's worth experiencing even if you disagree with that reading or have a different one.

Limbus Brainrot/Spoiler stuff from here on in.

There's always the question of where exactly each Sinner is in their story as they're on the bus. Their stories have been reinterpreted and/or jumbled in ways that make it fun to guess, so to go over each Sinner and where they are based on what we know or my theories:

Yi Sang - I'm not gonna front, I don't really get The WIngs, but this seems like a Good End AU for him. He already escaped his "Wife's" control and the sunless room and is now flying again (metaphorically, or maybe literally? i dont know help me).

Faust - Likely in the middle of the part where she's using Mephistopheles' power to do good in the world and prior to her being damned to hell. Side note, she's last to get a Canto and I bet it's not a coincidence that (afaik) she and Dante are the only two with Hell in their stories directly. My long shot call is that Faust is also Beatrice and there will be so much DantexFaust ship art in 2026.

Don Quixote - The biggest enigma. La Sangre de Sancho has gripped the imagination of the fandom and I am no exception. She's next after Heathcliff so we'll get her some time in August at the latest and I can't wait. My best guess is she's currently gallivanting and will be forced home in her Canto, assuming Don is Sancho theory isn't true. Praying her Canto is called The Impossible.

Ryoshu - In Hell Screen, the reason the painter is obsessed with torture is that he can only paint what he has seen and is trying to paint the Buddhist Hell. In his quest for his art he destroys his life and those around him, and ends up committing suicide over it. But there is a villain in the form of the Lord who beyond driving the story by requesting the screen in the first place is guilty of SA and murder. I'm expecting we're post story; the Lord is related to the five fingers, the daughter might be recast as a friend or something, and the sword Ryoshu carries is likely the screen. Nothing revolutionary in my guesses here, but it's either going to be that straight-forward or insanely abstract, where she's the lord and the painter and the daughter and the screen and the sword is the monkey or some shit.

Hong Lu - I have not yet read Dream of a Red Chamber, it's next on the list. Forgive me!

Heathcliff - Oh boy. Like many, I expect he is post-spurning by Catherine and is on his journey for his fortune on the LCB. So, his Canto will be about coming home to a beloved who is with someone else. Yes, the beloved blorbo will suffer for my amusement. Let's go 3 hours Heathmael sex scene!

Ishmael - We now know her story already kinda happened, as many expected, making this a bizarre sequel to Moby Dick. I think it gave PM a lot of room to do whatever they wanted to while still sticking to the themes of the story. Already wrote about what I loved about this and the recontextualizing of Ahab as a whale unto herself (which I don't actually know if it's in the original novel, but it wouldn't surprise me).

Rodion - A weird one. Her inciting incident happened, the murdering of the landlord/pawnbroker, but the unintentional death of the innocent sister was shifted to the entire damn block. So if I had to guess she's in the period after her crime trying to avoid being caught, but no police officer allegory has really been introduced yet. I read Crime and Punishment years ago so I can't say for certain but it feels the most loosely adapted and suffers a tad for being part of the intro. Rodya's story is in no way finished so it's up in the air. Praying for a Petrovich just so people can meet the OG Columbo.

Sinclair - Still need to read Demian, but I have a rough understanding of the plot. Also unfinished in his story, Sinclair has a long way to go to his self-realization. This feels more intentional however, I remember someone made an observation of Cinqlair as representative of his drunken college years where he's popular but unfulfilled, and I think we can extend that to all of his IDs. He seems to have the most potential of all the Sinners, so much so that I wouldn't be surprised if there's a mirror world where he's a Color unto himself. I digress, the point is he's pre Frau Eva (who if she turn's out to be the Purple Tear I will lose my mind) who is also called Beatrice at some point so what's up with that PM?

Outis - Another big mystery, especially as she isn't Odysseus but Outis, a name referencing a particular part of the Odyssey with the Cyclops. I have to imagine she's on the Odyssey, journeying home after the Smoke War (which might have some parallels with the Trojan War beyond the obvious). It's interesting all the Greek myth named Abnormalities are Hospital themed, might be something there but nothing I can parse from my limited knowledge of Greek society and folklore. While she' might be a traitor, I'm thinking she's joined Limbus Company to hide while on her journey; she might be wanted dead by something and is concealing her identity after what happened in the war.

Greg - Again, a character post-story. He was locked in a room, he metamorphized, and... well he's alive? So we've diverged from the source novel, as it's taken the allegorical meanings and made them more literal, but Hermann is still around and a major player so who knows where this will go?

Meursault - I have so many thoughts. Meursault could be anywhere in his story, but I'm going to guess it's one of two places. First guess, we're completely pre story. His Canto opens with him getting a message that Maman died today, or maybe yesterday, he doesn't know. So the whole story plays out over the course of the Canto. But more likely, and my prediction, is that he's currently in "jail" awaiting his execution or acquittal. He has already murdered a man (or done some other crime) and instead of being tried for that, he has been tried and sentenced for his peculiarities of character. Bound in the chains of others, the multitudes have tightened their hold (I'm very clever and not cringe at all).

So I have to wonder what light blinded him, overwhelmed him so much that it led to his crime? The Bright Nights and Dark Days are an obvious choice, and I'm not the first to suggest it. Perhaps he distorted? Anyway, his story ends with him having given up on acquittal and instead hoping for a crowd of people hating him as he approaches the guillotine. I'm super interested in how this will play out in Limbus, especially as he must survive for gameplay purposes.

Also, Meursault is so horny. Like, oh my god. Half of his thoughts are of Marie, specifically of wanting her and all the connotations that contains. He spurns God in the face of a Chaplain, saying that He is worth nothing compared to a single hair on a woman's head. Meursault is not a romantic but not just some horndog either, his desire for sex and women and their bodies feels like an extension of his worldview centered on the immediacy of life and not just debauchery or hedonism. It's a part of the idea life is lived as today, yesterday, and tomorrow, and there is joy and happiness in that simplicity. I feel like this will get cut for Limbus but I hope it isn't, I want Meursault to casually admit he desires every Sinner on the bus carnally (yes the men and NB too, probably just a HC but I do believe that the City is a binormative society based on its already loose relationship to gender identity).

So uh, that's the thoughts so far. Merry Christmas, I guess.

#limbus company #project moon #the stranger #this was meant to be a paragraph

[anakinskywalker97]

5 - The Rise of Skywalker

Vader x Ex-Padawan reader - Chapter 5 - Meditation

Previous parts

Summary: Vader finds out the true extent to how much damage his body endured after mustafar, meditation leads him to an old friend.

Thanks for all the love on this series! Reblogs and comments are what keep me going! <3

Warnings: panic attack description, hurt/comfort

No one would be that stupid. 

Vader wasn’t sure what you meant until he saw it with his own eyes. People had a very healthy respect for you, especially the Rebels and their alliances. You had a reputation, one he didn't realize belonged to you. He had heard of the Shadow Tempest many times. The epic runs, always one step ahead of the Empire. The pilot behind almost all the notable Rebel wins. In all his time with you he always did most of the piloting, he knew there were a million things to do and sort out but more than anything he wanted to take you out and see who would win. 

He sat there in a meeting of people, the higher-ups of the revolution, and watched as they listened to you. You never asked for anything, simply told them that he was on your side now and that he needed the best medical. In return, they would have your help in defeating the Empire. They were very eager to have your support, apparently up until this it was very hard to persuade you into helping them. Something he would ask more questions about as from what he was told your ship had been center stage in most Rebel wins. He was surprised that help from you and Obi-Wan was enough for them to overlook his past. 

Obi-Wan let out a tense laugh as they handed him a bank card. Apparently, all his money was in his account and had been converted over to card technology despite his leaving.  He could go run off and be a murdering psychopath then come home and find out how much interest he had earned off his funds. This wasn't right. He didn't deserve this. People had to accept him at your request, but he could feel the way they trembled in his presence. Fear gripped people tightly and he could even feel their concern for you. Even without being able to read their thoughts, he knew their plans to pull you aside to see if you had stockholm syndrome or if he had possessed you. He guessed that was a good thing, people here cared about you. Everyone stopped what they were doing to greet you, relief that you were safe overwhelming their features, it was good to know it wasn’t skin deep. People really cared. 

He was unsure about the Rebel's plans for the Empire though. But then again he was retiring from this world. He would kill the Sith, try to come back from being one, restore balance to the universe, and hide away with you - hopefully forever. 

Ahsoka had not been pleasant, but she came around for the sake of ending the Empire. He hoped in time he could mend things with her. She had been your closest friend and he missed how easily she fit into the family that was formed during the Clone Wars. A family he had to put back together. 

R2 was beyond happy to see him. He ran around him squealing loudly. Everyone looked horrified but he bent down and put his arms around the droid. Affection towards R2 was easy. He was the most dependable thing in his life for the longest time. He was well-maintained but still looked like he was an active participant in the war. He thought of all the lore that surrounded the Shadow Tempest, more than anything he wanted to pull R2’s memory and watch every bit of footage he had saved. He would come back for it another time. 

“I kept her safe” R2 chirped loudly in his language and he laughed again patting the little droid on what would be considered his head. 

“Thank you, you did an excellent job R2.”  He was grateful he left something behind to help you in his absence even if it was unintentional. 

Then the medical meetings started. Once he saw all his options, he was overwhelmed. From the stem cells they had of his on file, they could re-grow most of his skin to cover the prosthetics. They would have to remove more of his arms and legs as the nerves had been permanently and purposely damaged where they met the metal prosthetics. The rest of his skin could be healed with minor scaring, they could even regrow his hair follicles. 

After looking at the scans and seeing the damage Palpatine did he had to leave. 

He had no idea what he gave up that day on Mustafar. 

He lost the woman he wanted to marry, the ability to give her a nice life, to touch her without hurting her, to touch her and feel her skin. Not to mention the horrible things he had said to you at the end lived rent-free in your mind all these years.  He had given up the one person in the world he considered family, he had tried to kill his brother. All of this was to build something better for them. Yet he spent years trying to kill Obi-Wan, terrified of his old master. The sickness was too much to contain as it all came flooding back to him. 

Let me go - he commanded you as he left the building. It was cruel but he was drowning in pain. He was so consumed with rage and self-hate he left to go to the temple where Obi-Wan had been going to meditate. 

He knew the only true way out was through. He couldn't go on a rampage, couldn't give into weakness. He couldn't lose you again. 

Palpatine had made him suffer to prevent him from his full potential. To keep him from his density. Just as the Jedi had done. Everyone wanted to hold him down, force him to comply, just like Watto. He had been so caught up in thinking he deserved the pain, which in his opinion he still did. Palpatine gave him the illusion of control and freedom. That power was so seductive but what had it gotten him? The lives he took ran through his mind at a speed that made him dizzy. Nausea gripped him as the familiar coldness ran up his limbs to settle in his stomach. It was what he imagined death felt like. The icy energy caressed his body, but he had been here too many times before to know he wasn't that lucky. 

It was his punishment, he had earned it fair and square. A lifetime of suffering would never be enough to make up for the lives he took. His mind ran through this for hours as he sat in the temple trying to find peace and clarity. 

He’d done too much, taken too many.

“You did what the Force deemed necessary.” The voice made him jump, not an easy thing to do. The hazy, glowing form of Qui-Gon was in front of him. 

“I -” He started to argue back. 

“You - are the living force. The Sith willed you into existence Anakin, there is a power in you unlike anything else in this Galaxy.” He explained calmly and his heart sank at the realization of his words. 

“I’m evil.” His voice was so broken. A truth he always should have known deep down. There would be no path leading towards the man you wanted, needed, him to be. 

“No, there is no good and evil in the true force, this concept of light and dark comes from the people sensitive to it and how they choose to use it. You are what it is in its true form” 

“Then why is everything inside me so painful.” His voice was wet with the tears streaming down his cheeks. As far back as he can remember that power inside him has always been anger. 

“Because you experienced great pain. You have to understand that your life was always one with the force. The choices you made were ultimately the direction of the force. It wants balance. The Sith and Jedi were flawed ways of doing things, it’s your job to follow this through.” His words brought tremendous relief and a tremendous amount of anxiety at the same time.  

“I failed you.” He whispered. 

“I failed you. Had I been around I fear that things would have been better for you. Obi-Wan was not ready, but that does not mean he doesn't care for you.” Qui-Gon smiled sadly. “You have done great things, terrible things, and carried the pain of  both of them.” 

Anakin sobbed. This task he was burdened with, the pain he had to cause to settle debts that had nothing to do with him. Seeing Qui-Gon made him feel like he was ten years old again. He wanted to run into his arms and hold him.

“Thank you.” He said softly. 

“Now, you must complete your training with Obi-Wan, I have shown him what is needed. You must also complete training your Padawan.” He gave Anakin a big smile. “She is more important than you realize. The second half of the prophecy rests on her shoulders. You must be there to help her carry it.” 

“What’s the second half of the prophecy?” His voice went dark again. He didn’t want this nonsense anywhere near you. He wanted to end Palpatine and have this part of his life over with. Had he not sacrificed enough of himself for it? Had he not tried to make the right choice every time despite the cost? The only request he had ever had in this life was to spare you and his mother.

“Don’t worry about that. Just focus on training and confronting Palpatine. Only then you will be a Jedi, a true Jedi.” Qui-Gon looked at him for a long moment. “She will be fine.” His eyes held an emotion that Anakin didn’t understand. It scared him, but he trusted Qui-Gon. He didn’t really have a choice in the end, you were too involved to shut out. You were certainly not naive enough to dump off on some planet again. 

He had a million questions but felt Qui-Gon fade out. A new presence took his place, one he knew could have no form or words. She could just manage a feeling and it was enough. It was more than enough, the feeling wrapped around him and he held onto his mother tightly. 

After a long while, he came back to the present moment. He reached out to Obi-Wan, knowing that reestablishing the bond would be unavoidable. 

Master - He reached out and felt the bond attach on the other side. 

Anakin - Obi-Wan sounded surprised and the full force of his calm presence washed over Anakin. How much he had missed being able to reach out and feel his master. The feeling was so overwhelming he needed to stay in it for a moment. 

I need your help - He was unsure of what he would have left to learn from Obi-Wan but he trusted Qui-Gon. 

Obi-Wan rushed to the temple and Anakin could feel his unsettled nature. The concern for him made him want to cry again. He didn't deserve this side of Obi-Wan. He watched his master take in his meditation pose and his eyes softened. He sat next to him and Anakin tried to keep his composure as Obi-Wan’s arm came around his shoulders. 

“I want to apologize again,” Obi-Wan whispered. He could feel Shmi’s presence had not left the temple yet. 

“Please don’t.” Anakin choked. He could tell through the newly established bond just how much sorrow Obi-Wan’s heart carried. He was overflowing with it. He knew he felt responsible for Anakin’s mother, for how poorly the council had treated him, especially when he was a boy. He could feel how painful exile had been, how he couldn't escape Anakin so he moved to Tatooine to fully accept his punishment. How much he hated the sand, but how much he loved being close to the brother he lost.  Then he realized that the fresh paint and seasonal flowers on his mother’s grave was his doing. He could see his master there lighting a candle occasionally sitting with her telling her his best stories, all the moments she missed out on while he was away. The love for him that was often so well concealed flowed through the bond. 

“We failed each other,” Anakin whispered. 

“I was older and should have been wiser.” Obi-Wan said sadly. 

Anakin told him about the prophecy and they sat there together considering things. 

“You must overcome your emotions -” Anakin flinched and Obi-Wan put his hand back on his shoulder “ You must feel them and use them, but not be overwhelmed with them. Once you submit to your anger you lose the light, when you lose your anger and sense of justice, you lose your power. Everything must be about finding balance.” 

Anakin nodded.

“Do you think she will stay?” Obi-Wan looked confused by his question. 

“Why would she leave?” He asked softly, with tenderness in his features. 

“The whole Sith creation thing. She wants me to be better, that doesn't sound good with my track record.” Anakin could feel his insecurities start to rise up and he took a breath. 

Obi-Wan let out a laugh. “If she didn't want to see you she wouldn't have accepted jobs in Imperial air space for the past 7 years.” 

“I still can't believe you let her do that stuff,” Anakin said slightly put out with his master. 

“You think I could stop her?” He laughed again and Anakin shook his head. 

_________________________

He reluctantly stood in the elevator up to your apartment. He should feel a sense of relief, or motivated towards his plan. Instead he just felt anxious. He wanted you more than anything else in the galaxy. He’d sacrifice what he had to. He didn’t care that it was attachment, you were going to be his at any cost necessary. If you were horrified what would he do? Just force you down and fuck you back into submission again? 

No. 

He sighed as the door to your apartment opened, he hated it when you forgot to lock the door.  You were in the kitchen cooking, the sight of him caused you drop the wooden spoon into the frying pan. Your fingers picked it out and you hissed as the heat stung your flesh. 

Panic raced through him. Memories of Mustafar bit into his still aching flesh. He grabbed your wrist with too much force, using the other hand to manhandle you towards the sink. He put your fingers under cold water and tried to breathe. 

_______________

Anakin’s gloved hand had a painful grip on your wrist as he held it under the cold water. The fear in his eyes scared you as a cloud of darkness wrapped around him tightly. He wrapped his other hand around your torso and rested his cheek on the top of your head. You could feel his tears sinking into your scalp. 

“Anakin, it’s alright.” You said softly holding on to him with your free arm. “It won’t even scar, it doesn't hurt.” 

Your words were from this moment in time and you knew his mind was far away. In a world you probably wouldn't be able to reach. You let him hold you tightly. 

“I’m a Sith.” He said quietly making you jump slightly.

“I know.” You werent sure what exactly he was referring to. 

“What do you know?” He asked pulling away to look down at you. He was so much taller, you felt swallowed by his frame. 

“I had this vision? Not sure you could call it that exactly.” You tried to figure out what you wanted to tell him before you realized the best thing to do would be to read what you had written about it right after it had happened. No details would be missed or confused. “Here, I’ll grab my journal.” Your words did nothing to lessen his grip on you. 

He gave you a conflicted look. With the force he grabbed a jar of burn salve from the fridge. He opened it and stuck your fingers in it. 

“Just stay.” He was worn so thin it reminded you of when he had left you all those years ago. Three days he was at the temple, that probably meant three days without sleep. Not a good idea for Anakin. 

“Which journal is it?” He asked looking for guidance. 

“Erm - I’d have to help.” You picked the jar of salve up and kept your fingers inside it to appease him. Where did people go to get help for this sort of thing? You had no idea how to reassure him when he got like this. You just did what he wanted or had sex with him. 

He was satisfied with this. He moved with you to the bedroom. He followed your gaze to the few shelves that held notebooks, knowing full well he wouldn't listen if you told him not to read them. 

You pulled three from the shelf from around that time frame with the force and started flipping through them. His attention was engrossed with the colourful writing and drawings. You found the part you were looking for and handed it to him, returning the other two back to their place on the shelf. 

You reluctantly gave it over to him and returned back to the kitchen. Thankfully dinner hadn’t burned, as he’d turned the element down. He followed you leaning against your island while you kept cooking. His red eyes making sure your fingers stayed coated in the salve. 

You didn't hear him read the lines but you felt his heart clench. He rested his head in his hands for a moment. 

“Why did you come back?” He groaned. When you had written down what had happened you were completely terrified. You’d faced him and thought he had killed you. You woke up a shaking mess and wrote down every detail you could recall in case it came back to hurt you one day. You could feel his shame at the fear bleeding through the pages. 

“I didn’t I got captured.” You said evasively. You didn't know how to answer the question he was asking you. 

“Why did you bring me back.” He clarified his eyes devouring you. A memory came to you of laying in a field with him after a mission had ended and you were waiting on the ship to be repaired. The grass was covered in wild flowers and you laid in the sun, you had feelings for him but didn’t know how to tell him. You’d almost been hit on the mission and the way he had hugged you after was replaying through your mind. 

“I promised you I would always come back.” You referenced that moment when he had almost lost you for the first time. “There’s enough of you in there to make the risk worth it.” 

He closed his eyes and you felt him breaking down. You turned the element off half expecting to get jumped. 

“I’m sorry.” His words were so thick and raw. 

“Me too.” 

“No, you haven’t done anything. I did it all, turns out I had to in the end. But still, the things I’ve done to you-” His voice broke. 

“I wanted you to.” You felt his mind revisit that first night you had back together. 

“You didn’t.” 

“I did. I don’t know if you know this but I’m quite vocal when I’m unhappy.” You smirked.  

“You tried to push me away, I thought it was you pulling us together -” He took a deep breath. He needed to eat and then sleep before he got too carried away. 

“I don’t care. I wanted you back. That’s what I got.” 

“There’s another part to the prophecy.” His voice was low. 

“Oh boy.” you whispered. 

“Qui-Gon won’t tell me what it is, but it’s about you.” His features looked manic and you knew it was time to shut things down before he went over the edge. 

“I can handle it.” You said staring him down. You wouldn't let him be an idiot about things this time. “Now. I’m going to wash my fingers off, we're going to eat. Then sleep.”  He considered you for a long moment. You could tell he was recounting what happened last time he got this worn down and scared. 

He gave you a reluctant nod. You both ate quickly and despite it being 7:30 at night you got washed up and into bed. 

Anakin fell asleep quickly leaving you time to think about everything. The true power of the darkside was a mystery to you.  Having been Force resistant for the past 7 years, you felt particularly extra sensitive to it now. You could feel two sides of the force battling inside him, even as he slept the conflict radiated off of him. The pain still ate at his bones and his lungs were still struggling. Despite warring on him, the force was so strong it kept his body functional, making up for the gaps and the failings of his flesh. 

Just like everything else about Anakin Skywalker, this was something unheard of. Even when he wanted to die, even when his body was decaying, the force still pushed him forward.

#anakin skywalker #star wars #anakin skywalker fic #anakin skywalker imagine #anakin skywalker x reader #anakin x reader #darth vader

[she-posts-nerdy-stuff]

Daughter of the Rain and Snow

Concept: Around ten years after the events of Crooked Kingdom, 25-year-old Captain Inej Ghafa frees Maya Olsen from a pleasure house in Ketterdam. Maya is looking for revenge against the man who put her in her position, a man who she knows nothing about except his name: Kaz Brekker.

Tags: @wraith--2 @lunarthecorvus @just2bubbly @real-fragments7 @ethereal-maia @cartoon-clifford @origami-butterfly

Content Warnings: in more general terms I want to remind people to be aware of the nature of Kaz and Inej's experiences and relationship since even if I'm not directly addressing these things they tend to be implicit in any writing about them, but specifically to this chapter there's ptsd references, discussion about drowning, threats, violence, and there isn’t any child death taking place but it is talked about so I wanted to mention that just to make sure I’m being clear

Chapter 15 - Kaz

“What are the chances of being arrested if I murder a member of the Merchant Council in broad daylight?” Kaz snarled as he limped into the Crow Club.

He was finally going to give Ethan this Saints-forsaken financial record. Part of him was hoping the boy was guilty after all, so he’d have an excuse to kill someone. Annika looked up from her table and snorted a short laugh.

“For anyone else pretty high. For you? Depends on the Council member,”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning it depends on whether Jesper would shoot you before the Stadwatch got there,”

“Like Jesper could take me,”

She laughed again. Kaz didn’t have time for that. He flung two bags of coins into her lap and marched on past as he said:

“One for you. One for Rotty. Keep the tables busy,”

Annika’s mock salute was the last thing he saw from the corner of his eye as he headed straight for the back room.

Ethan sat, alone, behind his desk, head half buried in the books until Kaz hit his cane against the doorframe to summon some attention. Ethan flinched and threw his head up, and upon seeing Kaz found himself somewhere between relieved and even more anxious. He closed the book in front of him with slightly trembling fingers.

“Kaz, you - I don’t-”

Kaz dropped the record into front of Ethan, open on the Olsen transaction. He took in Ethan’s twitchy manner and dishevelled appearance with a slow study if the boy, who was now leaning over and blinking several times to read the words.

“When did you last sleep?”

“Wh- I don’t- I was waiting for you,”

Ghezen, the kid hadn’t left the room since Kaz told him he’d be back with the ledger.

“It’s been 30 hours,”

“You said you didn’t know how long you’d be,”

“Well you’re useless to me like this. Go back to the Slat and get some sleep, we’ll talk about this tomorrow,”

Ethan left in a haze and Kaz shook his head as he took a chair and pulled the most recent books towards him. Something was telling him the last 2 days of adding were going to need redoing, and besides it gave him a good opportunity to read through the recent ledgers for any discrepancies. This wasn’t as good a distraction as talking to Ethan would have been, but it was something. Kaz thought of Inej pulling away from him in their little house, dark eyes burning like a fire half- hidden by the black silhouette of the moon. He flexed his fingers in his gloves.

“What was the alternative?”

“Me!”

She was right, in a way, he thought. What would their little piece of the world look like if he had taken the energy he gave to the Dregs and put it into them? A marriage that didn’t rely on letters left from the beyond, safety, security, maybe family. And where would that leave him? Following Inej around Ravka, replacing the fear of the ship with the fear of her falling from the swings? Watching her teach their children the high wire whilst he imagined them falling, saw their little bodies splayed across the concrete? Or would he still be left waiting for her ship to return, tucking the children in every night whilst they asked when their mother would come home and he had no answer to give them? Always passive, always outside, watching her life through a lens whilst he couldn’t find where he fit into it.

She would have her ship, and he would have his city.

Even now that had to be the way it was. He had watched her try to be part of his world for years and known she wasn’t happy, he couldn’t ask her to sacrifice that again. But he didn’t know if he had the strength to sacrifice his world for hers instead.

And now this.

Kaz didn’t want to blame Inej for being angry with him, but she’d read the Saintsforsaken ledger hadn’t she? She knew he’d done nothing to this girl or her father that justified her placing blame on him. Something itched at him in the corners of his mind her shut out. You didn’t want to blame Jordie. Of course he didn’t. But it seemed all a more clean cut affair with Maya’s father, didn’t it?

No matter how Maya felt though, surely Inej could see?

She reminds me of you.

Kaz had no hope of focusing on these stupid ledgers. The numbers swam from line to line, like they were taunting him with the one thing he was supposed to be able to do. This, at least he was supposed to still be good at. A glance, an acknowledgment, and the numbers should have been stored in his mind. The filing cabinets in there scrolling over a decade of records that he could call upon at will. But now he was straining to concentrate, and his mind was filled with nothing but Inej and her dark, burning eyes. Flinching away from his touch. Drowning in the harbour. Thirty hours. When had he last slept? He didn’t want to. The dream came too fresh, too often. That oil black hair spilling around her, floating in the water. Limbs drooping, borne aloft by the waves, fingers in his turning to taut and bloated flesh. He couldn’t touch her. Couldn’t reach her. He was falling from the wire without a net.

He shoved the books away and hurried out, ignoring Pim trying to get his attention as they passed each other near the stairs. He went into his office and slammed the door shut, feeling the shake of his gloved fingers on the lock. He was stronger than this. This wasn’t supposed to happen anymore.

And if it did? He wasn’t supposed to be alone.

He slid down the door and sat on the floor in cold, shivering silence, his bad leg stretched out in front of him. He had to get her, had to explain to her, had to - what? What did he even want to say?

He would move the earth for her. He would kill, had killed, for her. He would die for her. And it didn’t mean anything, because even now he didn’t show it. Because even now, he refused to torture himself with the idea of their future. Their happiness, together. In Kerch, in Ravka, they could move to the permafrost in Fjerda for all he cared. He would carve a life for her in the face of a mountain, if that was what she wanted. But it felt like an infection. It was worming its way through him, and if he didn’t quash it there was every change it might destroy him. Destroy them both. All he was so desperate to give her was impossible to say, because saying it out loud made it real. It made it something that could be lost.

Kaz didn’t know how long he’d sat there before he managed to slowly pull himself back up, weight first in the door handle and then against his cane. There were no lights on in the room. He let the door swing on its hinges as he left, to walk back to the Slat. To force himself to sleep; to let the dream wash over him so he could fight it like he’d fought everyone and everything else.

And so it was as the door swung and the lights remained off, as Kaz limped away in stoic silence and the street lamps began to glow, that no-one noticed the hand reach up from beneath the desk and leave a neat, sealed letter next to the inkwell.

#maya Olsen oc #no beta we die like men #no beta read #grishaverse #six of crows #crooked kingdom #leigh bardugo #inej ghafa #kaz brekker #nina zenik #jesper fahey #matthias helvar #wylan van eck #kanej #no thoughts just kanej #kanej brainrot #kanej angst #*cries in kanej* #kanej fic #kanej fanfiction #soc fic #six of crows fic #fan fic writing #six of crows kaz #six of crows inej #kanej supremacy

[thelunarfairy]

Hello! How are you? I'm Brazilian too! Nice to meet you! I love your analyses!

I really like your thoughts on the problematic relationship between Hanako and Tsukasa! Even though I find it a bit strange that so many people feel excited about a possible 'incest'.

Usually, most people believe that Amane and Tsukasa had a victim and abuser relationship. They think Amane murdered Tsukasa because he couldn't take the abuse any longer.

But I believe it was the opposite, to be honest. I think Amane was the problematic one. Tsukasa seemed very happy and with lots of friends during Omen Arc. Amane always seemed distant from everything and everyone.

I genuinely think that the twins relationship was really good. But It became very problematic with time, and Amane became obsessed with Tsukasa in some way. Perhaps this obsession led him to kill Tsukasa.

PS.: I doubt 'God' would have punished Hanako to become a supernatural if his crime was simply an act of self-defense. That's why I really believe Amane isn't completely innocent!

I would really like to hear your thoughts about this 'abuse' theory. A lot of people believe that Tsukasa is just a manipulatice monster and that really annoys me. I genuinely believe that their relationship wasn't simple and could indeed have been romantic and really intimate. However, I don't think Tsukasa would truly be capable of hurting his brother simply "for the pleasure of doing so."

Yeeeeeey another Brazilian for the team! \O/ Happy to know that you are Brazilian Anon ^^

The twins' relationship is particularly fascinating, the unknown that hangs over them, like a gray cloud that doesn't allow you to see beyond the limits, is mysteriously curious.

It makes people have all kinds of ideas about how this relationship works, and one of those possibilities is the romantic side of things. After a while, you get used to the fact that there is always a group in the fandom that will ship taboo couples, forbidden couples, the twins fall into this.

I tell you that the first theory I found about JSHK was about abuse. The evidence makes it have a certain meaning, after all, if it hadn't, it wouldn't have spread and been known by so many people.

The panic reaction when seeing Tsukasa, breaking into a cold sweat, being embarrassed, blushing, the image of Tsukasa about to bite Hanako's ear while he is tied up and defenseless, the injuries in suggestive places, such as the neck, mouth, rope marks on the wrists, and Hanako's words "I forgave, even if it's unjustifiable"

And of course, the fact that Hanako is perverted in that way, generally (in some cases, not all) people who have suffered sexual abuse tend to have more intense desires than ordinary people, again, it depends on the victim, it depends on the person. Each of them reacts in a different way, but this is one of the possible consequences.

All of this is evidence, it turns out that evidence tends to lead us down several paths, and that of abuse is one of them. Don't rule out this theory yet, let's keep it close, it may not have been Tsukasa, but something happened.

That said, let's think about the evidence we have now. Lately we have had more and more presence with Tsukasa in a more intimate, more personal way, we saw part of his childhood, and we discovered his altruistic side, as well as his innocence in certain situations.

Tsukasa is a very intelligent boy, but he still acts like a little boy. You can clearly notice that he is not as mature as Hanako, he has a certain level of undeniable innocence.

And this is where we see the abuse theory break down. We saw in the last chapter that he was surprised to discover that Amane wanted to do perverted things, Tsukasa also believed that kisses tasted like lemon, which means he hadn't kissed anyone before (maybe), I could mention many other situations, but the answer would be too long.

You see? Nothing strange here.

That's because we're targeting the wrong person. Exactly, we have to target Hanako.

Amane seemed to have a big problem that he was having trouble solving, something that tired him, something that seemed like a dead end, and this was reflected in his eyes. It wasn't a matter of him being unfriendly, there was something going on that made him that way.

Amane didn't care about anyone and didn't want anyone to meddle, he's still like that. Like Hanako, he only cares about the people he likes, the rest is just the rest. Hanako seems to be oblivious to people who don't interest him, have no importance and sometimes no empathy.

But why was he like that? Maybe he didn't want to get involved with anyone so they wouldn't find out what was going on, something that was clearly related to Tsukasa.

Amane appears to love Tsukasa the same way he loves Nene. Hanako has been troubled lately trying to save Nene's life at all costs, he didn't make the best choices for that, but he did, and the more he fails, the more tired he seems to get.

There is the idea that Amane was destined to die from the beginning, but Tsukasa sacrificed himself in his place. So, maybe he tried to change that, considering the idea that he must have found out about it, at some points we saw Tsukasa asking if Amane wants him to stay or leave, he is the one who has to decide.

So, it seems like it has something to do with this sacrifice thing, trying to save Tsukasa's life, that's because Amane hates himself, he doesn't care what happens to him, he just wants Nene to live, so, Who can guarantee that he didn't already feel this way when he was alive?

"My brother died because of me"

Perhaps, Amane's love became "different" when he discovered what Tsukasa did for him. Hanako isn't one to resist when he discovers that people do something for him, care about him, we see this with Nene all the time, and we also saw that Tsukasa did three times as much for Amane.

Maybe he fell in love with Tsukasa, but because it was wrong, he suppressed that feeling with all his might. But, we know how jealous and possessive he is, seeing the way he talks about Tsukasa having friends, almost like a disregard for it.

It's hard to talk about this when we haven't seen much about them. But lately, this idea is the one that's been floating around in my thoughts.

An older brother who fell in love with the younger one and tried to hide it at all costs, the more he discovered or spent time with the younger one, the more intense it became. The fear of suddenly losing his brother again may have made him insecure, clingy, possessive.

What types of desires did Hanako have for Tsukasa? What kind of things did he think to the point that he had to hide it at all costs? Why when Tsukasa found out that he wanted to do perverted things did Hanako for the first time act extremely embarrassed?

Passion, desires. Tsukasa has a more innocent love, perhaps he can be in love too, he compares himself to Nene when she confirms that she loves Hanako in a romantic way. But, it turns out that maybe he doesn't quite understand what kind of love he feels.

So, that's what it implies, a forbidden love that was stifled until Amane couldn't take it anymore.

Of course, we have to consider that Amane may have killed Tsukasa with the intention of killing only the creature, so a duality.

The abuse theory became weak after we found out about Tsukasa's more innocent nature, but that's no guarantee of anything.

It is a theory with logic that is applicable in some senses, but which is falling apart.

Maybe?

#jibaku shounen hanako kun #toilet bound hanako kun #jshk #tbhk #hanako kun #amane yugi #yugi twins #aidairo #hanakokun #jshk spoilers #tsumane #yugi tsukasa #tsukasa yugi #tbhk amane #jshk amane #yugi amane #jshk tsukasa #jshk theories #jshk hanako

[sezja]

Febuwhump Day 4: Obedience Fandom: Final Fantasy XIV Characters/Ship: Raicheille Lhorulgois Triggers/Content warnings: Child abuse

Takes place one year after Silenced.

"Stand still," Mother snaps, swatting Raicheille's shoulder as though she's an insect in need of a good squishing. "And stop slouching, girl! You've no figure yet to speak of; we must pin all of our hopes on your face. Gods help us."

I inherited it from you, you old sow, she doesn't dare say, straightening her shoulders even further, stretching her spine until it creaks. Her new dress clings in uncomfortable places, telling earnest but unconvincing lies about the shape of her beneath it. As though anyone would believe it. Her betrothed-to-be will be a fellow wildwood, of course, and everyone knows elezen don't begin properly growing until their twentieth year, give or take.

At fifteen summers, she feels like a dodo pretending to be a chocobo.

"You will be gracious," Father says. His voice is cold, stern, as though she's one of his hired lances. "You will speak only when it is required of you, or you will suffer the consequences of your disobedience."

She fights the urge to shudder.

There's every reason the new dress covers her from the neck down, hiding the bruises and welts she's earned over the past year.

Nourval wouldn't let them do this to me.

"Do not bite your lip," Mother snaps again, seizing Raicheille's chin between cruel fingers, not quite hard enough to bruise. "Do not sulk at your father, you ungrateful trollop; were it not for your interference, none of this would be necessary! Your uncle had it all well in hand!"

"Yes- yes, Mother."

Had it all well in hand is, Rai thinks, a very diplomatic way to describe the attempted murder of an officer of the Twin Adder, in an effort to frame visiting Ala Mhigan diplomats for the crime - it'd been her interference, yes, that'd alerted Captain Smyth to the plot. But she'd only ever wanted her brother to be freed from prison; beyond that, she hadn't really cared what became of it all. Not really.

She hasn't seen Nourval since. Her last memory of her brother is of him lying half-dead in the tall grass, and Captain Smyth sending her dashing off for a healer.

He's alive, at least. She knows that much. If her parents would let him see her...

But no. They'd told the Adders charming lies, pleading their ignorance, pleading their innocence, and so Raicheille was returned to the loving arms of her parents. If only someone had thought to ask her what her parents might have known... but who ever cared what one scrawny girl knew?

Captain Sanson cared, she thinks, idly, fighting the urge to rub her throbbing jaw while her parents aren't looking.

Today is her chance at redemption, her parents have told her, endlessly, for the past week. Marriage is a time-honored contract, sealing alliances between the families of Gridania's oldest families - those who long for the old ways, before Gridania opened her gates to outsiders; before Ala Mhigo brought war to her doorstep and pushed Gridania to the brink. Before Vainchelon's death. Rai has known all her life that she'd be handed over into the keeping of some tradition-minded man or other...

But that was before she knew the truth about it all.

Now she wants to run screaming into the Shroud, hopefully to be eaten by some wild beast - better that than being married off to some other hateful bastard who who only wants to rekindle old wars.

The one they've picked for her is nearly thrice her age: a grizzled veteran of the Old Guard, known to have a firm hand with his servants. The Matron knows he's likely to see her as little better than a servant; she expects she'll be lucky to see the sun more than once a moon - she'll be kept under lock and key, seen but not heard, her value proven only in the production of sons to bear arms-

I'd rather just get eaten.

"Come, girl," Father says, snapping his fingers like she's one of his hunting hounds. Mother places an ungentle hand on her back, guiding her forward like a prisoner who can't be trusted to follow obediently.

It's more apt than it ought to be.

#febuwhump #febuwhump2024 #febuwhumpday4 #my writing #raicheille lhorulgois #THIS IS THE ONGOING STORYLINE #it's not as in-depth as last year's but follows rai trying to get the hell out of the situation her parents have put her in #(the boys will turn up soon)

[ladyriot]

Jane/Maura tension in Jane waiting for Maura to give up on her...

I'm literally writing this post because I had a dream last night of scrolling tumblr and reading Jane Rizzoli character analysis from an episode that doesn't exist. So, in terms of real character analysis... have this.

I've made a little post about my absolute favourite ship dynamic and I really want to situate Jane within it. To me, Jane is a character that has some major commitment issues (that are also somehow abandonment issues) and this fear that people will give up on her, but especially Maura. At one point in the early seasons, Jane and Maura have a conversation that reveals Jane doesn't like to be disappointed.

And I truly think this is a key aspect of her early characterization. She hates being disappointed and yet it seems like part of her constantly expects to be. If she has something good, she doesn't get to keep it right? And this thinking extends significantly into her early interactions with Maura. I'm going for the first three seasons here, because it's what I have notes on, but it honestly probably extends past that. So here's Jane terrified of Maura giving up on her as a key element of her narrative conflict with Maura.

I'll start at the very beginning. The pilot features the first little kernel of this fear when Jane shows up at Maura's after Hoyt escapes. Gabriel Dean shows up at Maura's door and Jane's insecurity flares because they seem to both like him, but instead of pure jealousy in a romantic sense...

There's also a sense that Maura will inevitably get him, not her. And very little trust in the ability of their friendship to survive them both liking the same man. Jane argues with Maura about her secrecy in this episode out of this fear when she has to go to Quantico, but she's sympathetic here because we can see how much insecurity and fear undercuts her actions. She expects Maura to give up on her with the choice of Dean and Dean on her with the choice of Maura.

This seems like a central current of the first half of season one, especially with the thread laid down in 1x04 pulled into 1x05 with Garrett Fairfield. Jane is framed as insecure about her station. When there's a murder at BCU, it brings up a lot about Jane's limited post-secondary education. She tells Maura about how the BCU campus inspires her, but also makes her potentially regretful.

This becomes even more central when Jane sees Maura with the Brahmins and class comes even further into play. At the scene, Jane wants to question the Fairfields, but Maura is resistant.

Look at Jane's face. She looks like she's just been horribly betrayed. And it culminates into this argument at autopsy.

This compounds on that insecurity about not having a college education by pairing it up with wealth and social power. These things all become a wedge between Jane and Maura because, like Korsak suggests, Jane is afraid that Maura's allegiance is to those ideals rather than to her.

This fear of Maura giving up on her clearly extends beyond wealth and education because it also comes into Jane's interactions with Maura around Tommy. Jane essentially begs Maura not to sleep with her brother, whose mind Maura finds attractive, and then says Tommy's not the only Rizzoli "with a beautiful mind." So perhaps there's an element of romantic jealousy more clearly oriented towards Maura creeping in. But when they have friction over Tommy's arrest, these fears are once again aparent. When Maura doesn't risk a prison sentence and the loss of her medical licence (you know, things you would definitely risk for just a friend) to warn Jane about Tommy's arrest, Jane goes off about how Maura didn't trust her to protect her. And how she should've protected Jane too.

She almost insinuates that they're not friends or that their friendship is tenuous because Maura won't devote herself entirely to Jane's loyalty no matter the personal cost simply because Jane already has invested loyalty into Maura. The reciprocity's unequal, though, which becomes clear when Jane shoots Paddy. At first, it's just fear that her friend will be mad at her because she shot her father.

See the insecurity in it? The humanity, the clarity she was emotionally connected to Maura despite having just hurt her? It turns.

Jane rushes to Maura because she's afraid Maura will turn her over to the IAD and tells her that if their friendship ever mattered, she would be careful about her words. She is so afraid of Maura giving up on her, and so sure she'll do it, that she doesn't even see her own irony here. She wanted Maura to trust her to protect her. But even she can't trust people that way.

When you put all these moments together, you can understand that a lot of Jane's early seasons moments of anger were actually just insecurity and fear turned outwards. And another thing is that, most of the time, Maura acts kindly and reassuringly in response. Or is at least willing to apologize for her responding anger. Other than with the Paddy experience, which took a while, Maura has reasserted her allegiance to Jane almost immediately, found ways to make up for hurting her. Like...

This fear of Jane's definitely isn't limited to the above examples. Consider:

Ian Faulkner and how Jane treated Maura when he was around

The facial expression and apology Jane gives Maura when her father causes a scene in her home

The bridge jump and the scene afterward in which Jane calls herself "hard to love"

I really feel like the disappearance of this fear is a major part of what makes Jane feel so different in those weird last seasons. She's afraid of losing Maura to violence, sure, but I think this fear of not being good enough to keep her vanishes. And maybe there's sense to be made of it. Maybe Maura has, in some way, proven herself not to be the kind of person who would discard someone else. Maybe Jane has finally put her through enough trials. But that kernel of insecurity driving her early angry moments with Maura is what humanizes her instead of making her out to be cruel. As the show goes on, she feels more and more cruel. At least to me. And I think this is partially why.

P.S. Maura has this fear too, which is what allowed it to feel balanced in the beginning.

#rizzoli and isles #jane rizzoli #rizzles #character study #again because i love it #if you see a mistake in this post no you didn't #this part of Jane reminds me SO much of Tasha Zapata of Blindspot

[gizkasparadise]

webtoons im currently hooked on

my brain hasnt been able to muster the attention span for dramas lately, so i've switched to reading webtoons for the time being. wanted to share some of my current favorites so maybe some folks can fangirl about them with me /o/

i also have a list of similar dramas so if youre new to webtoons but not dramas you can kind of compare #vibes

roughly in order:

TRAPPED (ALSO KNOWN AS OLGAMI OR NOOSE)

synopsis (mild spoilers)

girl meets boy at church. girl is an ex-convict who tried to kill someone. boy is a vampire. boy blackmails the girl into hiding his dead bodies using her job as a taxi driver. boy thought he had control over the situation. he absolutely does fucking not. the most fucked up slowest of slow burns ensues as fuck-or-die might become a little too literal.

why read

omfgggggggggggggg if you like your ships dysfunction junction this one is 100% for you. the romance takes a while to kick off, with the first season being mostly thriller with some unhinged UST between the leads, but when the male lead (park yunsu, vampire murderbastard) falls he falls hard and it is messy beyond all belief because the female lead (han chae-ah, taxi driver and unwilling gravedigger) does not forgive or forget and will do whatever it takes to survive. both leads are compelling and interesting and it's such a great take on enemy lovers (and not necessarily enemies to lovers)

chae-ah: i'll kill you

yunsu: alright :) try your best :) ill be waiting :)

the side characters are all really interesting as well! especially grimm, a 60-year-old child who definitely chooses mom in the divorce

similar dramas: basically take any fei wo si cun male lead (goodbye my princess, siege in fog), give him the ability to commit supernatural murder, and then pair him with a female lead who will absolutely kill him the second she gets a chance to

MY REASON TO DIE (ALSO KNOWN AS WHAT I DECIDED TO DIE FOR)

synopsis

ji-o is a talented taekwondo student athlete on her way to the olympics before she gets an injury that stalls her progress. while on the bus to training, she crosses paths with cha gyeol, a delinquent who runs with a rough crowd and almost never comes to school. as she navigates her feelings with unexpected first love, ji-o keeps having prophetic dreams-- ones where someone dies over and over again.

why read

female gaze: the webtoon lol. ok but actually what starts out as a fairly fluffy/slice of life high school romance has a plot twist that really rocks and made want to immediately start a reread of the whole webtoon.

similar dramas: someday or one day

MAYBE MEANT TO BE

synopsis

han jia is a 32 year old unemployed freelancer living with her parents, who are getting a little desperate to have her out of the house. during the holidays, she sneaks away from her family to have a smoke in the alleyway. there, she bumps into jin mincheol, a friend from childhood who she hasn't talked to in years. and he is just kind of. eating a chicken breast there. anyways.

they talk, and mincheol shares that his mother is also pressuring him to get married. jia proposes a contract marriage, not expecting mincheol to take her up on it. he does. immediately. oh shit.

why read

omg jia's a mess and mincheol's a nerd (affectionate x2). there's something just really delightful about seeing these little weirdos work through their issues, grow, and realize that they actually fit really well together. i love them both. mincheol is just so delightfully consistent and we get to see jia begin to figure her life out. the humor is spot on as well, i've laughed out loud several times

similar dramas: because this is my first life

OTHERS I REALLY LIKE

something about us. gayoung and woojin have been friends forever. when woojin comes back to college after his military service, that begins to get shaken up. friends to lovers with really cute art and one of my favorite second leads of all time

unholy blood. hayan is a pureblood vampire OUT FOR REVENGE against other vampires. blood+ vibes in the best way (not that far into this one yet, BUT IM READY)

dreaming freedom/freedom in dreams. jeongmin is relentlessly bullied in school, and the only way she escapes is through lucid dreaming, where she imagines her life differently and also how she can get her revenge. in her dreams, she meets a manic murder yandere boy, and shit escalates from there

cheese in the trap. aaaaaaaay we know this one :'D

#webtoon #trapped #olgami #my reason to die #maybe meant to be #manhwa

[hamliet]

In the context of fiction and media, everything is so sexualized especially when I think of shipping. Even ships with underage minors and adults are popular and why?? Fiction directly affects reality does it not? Why is it okay to show that?

Sexuality is a very normal, healthy part of human behavior. While some people are asexual and that is also normal and healthy, the majority are not. Most people like sex, find it fun and meaningful. All human experiences should be reflected in art (what else is art for?), so sexuality should be reflected in a lot of art.

Unfortunately, we live in a culture that paradoxically both idolizes and shames sexuality, and this is as prevalent among the fundamentalist religious as it is among leftist spaces. So when art ignores sexuality completely, or ignores certain types of sexuality (see, the female gaze, or queer expressions of sex) fans will create that art themselves--such as via shipping. Shipping is simply "there's a story to be told here" and that story may or may not involve sex (most often does) and even in some cases, be primarily about sex.

Fiction is both shaped by reality and can shape reality, but that's not the same as saying it's a 1=1 mirror of reality where you can exactly correlate A cause with B result. Like, look up the anti video game movement of the 90s, the Satanic Panic and the way emo music was blamed for tragedies like Columbine, and ask yourself why people who like detective mysteries aren't murderers.

Yet, there is nuance here for sure. Like, I'll just bluntly state moral policing is a boring way to engage with art and fandom, and that goes beyond just sexuality. However, that isn't the same as saying take off your critical thinking hat, anything goes. Criticism is a very necessary part of fandom and engagement, and must be allowed (shakes fist at toxic positivity). But criticism as a field is designed to open doors more so than close them. It's a discussion more than anything else (note: discussing does not mean conclusions can't be drawn; they can). I have called out the real life implications of different stories before, and I'll do it again.

Me saying "moral policing stories is boring" also isn't me advocating for amorality. Not at all. Ethical questions posed by works can elevate a work to the realm of a masterpiece. There's a reason The Brothers Karamazov is considered top-tier literature. But ethics and morality are best explored not through statements, but through examination of what someone means when they say something is wrong or right. Fiction is a fabulous way to do this.

Let's use the example of minors and adults. Sad face, because "minor" in fandom can mean anything from "short person" (yes, really, I've seen that argued that someone who is short is "minor coded") to "17 year old" to "five year old." Shipping a 17 year old and an 18 year old is way different than, say, a preteen and a person their parent's age.

Like, in real life, people do not have a magical switch in their brain when they turn 18. An 18 year old dating a 17 year old is normal. It's not ethically dubious. An 18 year old (legal!) dating a 40 year old? Is ethically suspect to me, even if it isn't illegal. Ages are the best ways we have to protect children and keep them safe, but there's a reason most laws allow for an 18 and a 17 year old to date. At the same time, no one in their right mind would object to the moral statement "minors shouldn't date adults" (unless you're Matt Gaetz) with a "WELL WHAT ABOUT" because basic guardrails can't be built around exceptions, and the alternative is so horrifying that the guardrail exists for a damn good reason. But real life or fictitious, an 18 and 17 year old is not really sketchy.

Plus, I caution that the portrayal of a thing isn't necessarily the endorsement or "normalization" of said thing. Framing matters. A story can be used to powerfully show the pain of entering a relationship in which a young person is in way over their head. In fandom specifically, the shipping "story" people are interested in, regardless of ages or whatnot, might not be a happily-ever-after one, and might be a way to process their own abuse. I think there's a famous queer author who got "cancelled" for this, but she was processing her own experiences and framed it as negative, which is very sad.

There are other considerations too. For example, the medium of a story also matters. Film (and theater) inherently muddy the fiction and reality discourse dilemma in a way that written or drawn mediums do not: they use real people, so there are multiple layers in which this discourse can be discussed. Fandom and shipping, however, does not (on the whole) use these mediums.

I also know some people age up characters or de-age them to ship them at the same age, because they like the dynamic but do have ethical concerns about ages. I personally feel squicked out when there's a power dynamic like minor/adult (as in the paragraph above), teacher/student, or mentor/mentee, even if both are adults. And yet despite this I still like stories like Scum Villain's Self Saving System which are literally designed to provoke questions about shipping and fandom and morality, because they make me use my critical thinking and are aware of the problematic aspects of their works and precisely explore what makes it problematic, and what makes it not. SVSSS approaches it like:

A teacher who abuses his pupil enters into a relationship with him when they are adults, no grooming when kids. Sounds ethically suspect, right?

What if it's set in an ancient fantasy world where people fly on swords and live as immortals?

What happens to the idea of age (past a certain point in development) when you're immortal and stay physically young? (We don't have a real-life starting point for this.)

What if said teacher is literally no longer the same soul, but has been swapped for another soul?

What if the new soul is forced to be unkind under pain of not just death but soul obliteration?

What if age becomes speculative because the new soul isn't necessarily older than the pupil?

You see, there are a million angles from which SVSSS approaches this question, and ties these questions in with themes about individuality and presuppositions (essentially: see the individual more than the "type" of character). It's not mocking the questions. It's genuinely exploring them.

So, ethical questions can be very interesting in stories, and in terms of how fans interact with fiction as well. But not in terms of preaching, but in terms of interaction, in terms of making you question things--which is not the same as tossing aside all principles of morality.

#ask hamliet #i'm sure i over simplified something here #so feel free to ask follow ups #to a degree #fandom #diskhorse

[feekins]

aight, y'know what? since I keep finding so many translation discrepancies I wanna talk about, imma try doing 1 chapter per post instead. so. we'll see how that goes.

ANYWAY. let's talk ch 3 of Trigun vol 2!!!

(NOTE: I'm reading the Dark Horse [physical] and the Overhaul [online] translations side-by-side)

a few things I wanna note about this sequence:

① at this point, we can see that Meryl's unconscious. I didn't realize this on my very first read back when the official English translation first came out...

② ...so for a while, I thought the panel with Vash's back turned were all Meryl's thoughts - but they are not. they are Milly's. I was a silly.

③ idk why it didn't register to me before, but Vash pauses to get his gun out of the sheriff's desk drawer, which. makes sense. idk. again, I silly 🥴

(Dark Horse on left, Overhaul on right)

weird translation discrepancy but ok?????

and I!!! have always loved!!! this page!!! I can't explain why beyond like...it's just so informative and cool?????

(...at this point in my re-reading, I had a visitor... 🤭 )

...I only just realized that here, it's not just Vash punching the wall - it's Knives evading Vash, causing Vash to punch the wall instead of Knives.

right after that, we have our next few translation discrepancies! Dark Horse has Knives saying "Murderer?! Are you trying to flatter me?" whereas in the Overhaul, it's "Murderer? This is about survival." that difference, to me, kinda skews Knives' characterization in Dark Horse.

then, on the next page, when Vash goes to try to punch Knives again, Dark Horse has Vash saying "Shut up! Bring Rem back!!" whereas in the Overhaul, it's "Shut up! You killed them all!" sorry Vash, you are not immune to Dark Horse's characterization skewage 😔

so then, after Vash's punch misses and he falls over, Dark Horse has Knives saying "Be still and listen when people are speaking to you!" whereas in the Overhaul, it's "Be still. I don't want to hear any more talk of humans."

so far, in just this flashback, Dark Horse seems to paint Knives as arrogant, while the Overhaul shows this coldness in both his treatment of Vash and his hatred of humanity. I've also noticed, as I've been reading, Dark Horse seems to consistently shift Vash's focus from humanity as a whole to just Rem, which. I get it. he's a mama's boy. but to imply that this comes at the exclusion of the rest of the human race is a HUGE misunderstanding of the character imo 😑

I rly do love how much more clear and informative the Overhaul's translation is...and I can't say I understand or like Dark Horse changing the focus of that first speech bubble from the fleet to just the plant ship.

and another weird translation discrepancy: on the next page, the first thing Knives says in Dark Horse is "Reverse thrusters..." (like commenting on the ships we see in the previous panel) whereas in the Overhaul, Knives says "The odds alone for a successful override were minimal."

...ok but how cool would it be if the planet Trigun takes place on had a ring like this 🤩

clever girl

(/Jurassic Park voice)

heyyyyyy I forgot about the cyborg-looking elements in OG Monev's design! gives me a new appreciation for his tristamp iteration's =u=

#trigunbookclub #text postan 2k23

[missyporkbarreling]

Leonid Konstantinovich Kovar

- A character living in tragedy

While I was out on my daily walk I realized just how like fucked up Leonid's life is and how it isn't really shined apon. Mostly because the last time Leonid had a line of dialogue was 12 fucking years ago

In his adolesence (because this is comics he's not given a difinitive age) Leonid went out on an expadition with his dad where they came across an alien space ship. Fiddling around with the craft it gave off a great amount of energy. Giving him super powers but seemingly killing his father, Konstantin.

He was then taken in by Konstantin's colleague and good friend Pyotr Raskov. Who while treated him like his own son was also the one to get him into the KGB while he was still a child. So

his first appearance doesn't give much (it's a very mediocre story, Leonid was yet to be developed and beyond Wally being a right fuck there isn't anything bad inflicted apon him)

but when he reappears in the new teen titans is when this gets interesting. in the interum Leonid had found a girl and they were hoping to get married soon. With Draut and Perez drawing him with similiar builds to Dick and Wally it's safe to say that Leonid and Maladi in this story are 18 or 17 going on 18.

Maladi had conracted a horrible illness that was not only killing her but would cause rabid cellular deteriation in anyone she touched. Leonid neither wanting his darling to suffer or for her to hurt or kill anyone else he volunteered to kill her. Because Maladi and Leonid only have 1 page where they talk it's unclear wether or not Maladi wanted to die but her final words shared through the doctor suggests that even if she didn't want to she understood the pain she caused by her existance.

jumping ahead several issues Leonid reappears as part of an exchange program between the US and the soviet union. Slightly confusingly when Hammer and Sickle kick down the door of star labs because they can't alow Leonid's secrets to fall into the hands of the US, he joins them in fighting the titans despite his moral objections. However once the cat is out of the bag that the gang of eight are trying to have him assassinated he joins back up with the titans despite it branding him a traitor to his state.

This leads to Leonid trying to ice Hammer because as Leonid says "you stole my life away from me, boris". But in what'll become an upsetting trend he's not alowed to get beyond that initial punch and kick as the titans save him from becoming a murderer.

Leonid's beautiful speech at the end of issue 49 is only slightly undercut with when he shows up once again this has seemingly been brushed over and he's back to living in the late Soviet union.

Inbetween this and his reapperance in the new titans it's assumed that he stayed in touch with the titans as the last thing Leonid and Vic tried to do here was beat the shit out of each other but Leonid later mourns cyborg as his best friend.

I will start to speed up as post titans hunt he becomes a fixture on the titans and there are only 2 examples of Leonid getting traumatized I wanna talk about.

Leonid is reintroduced after Victor Stone is shot out of a rocket and blown up above the icy tundra of Siberia. Where he found Vic's body and brought it to his adoptive father and his science boys to hopefully save Vic's life. They are semi sucessful but due to the state they found him in he's made a vegetable.

Which going off on a tangent it really fucking sucks that Wolfmann essentionally killed off a long time Titan jus so that Garfield and Leonid could be angsty about it.

Back on point. Unbeknownst to Leonid Raskov, ever the nationalist turned the corpse of his stepson's best friend into a weapon's platform for the soviet government. Can you see why I pin Leonid becoming an agent on Raskov?

Leonid is extremely ashamed for what his father has done and to try and get Vic back with his family agrees to "keep an eye on" their new weapon.

when Leonid, Vic and Sarah head back to Russia to try and fix cyborg up they're greeted by Pyotr and a bunch of bootleg cyborgs dubbed the metamen. Once they're captured (because again Vic is nothing but a vegetable in a weapons platform controlled by the ruskis) Leonid finally comes face to face with the man he hasn't seen in atleast 9 years (19 real world years) Konsantin Kovar is alive.

but Konstantin isn't here for a mere family reunion. He hates what the russian federation has become and with cyborg and Raskov's metamen he hopes to bring back the glory days.

And when Leonid is uncooporative because ofcoure why would he alow his best friend to become even more of a weapon Konstantin is resigned to jus turn his own son into a metaman. With the only thing stopping him being Pyotr finally growing a damned spine and refusing to hurt Leonid.

This rebellion however is short lived as Konstantin quickly catches up and with Raskov's continuing attempts to fight back Konstantin has cyborg kill him. And to ensure everyone else dies he blows up the complex for good measure.

After a failed attempt at president Yeltsin's life the woman Leonid had been working along side for all of this I never mentioned shoots Konstantin dead.

Konstantin gets turned into another metaman but this plot never goes anywhere and Leonid never learns of this

so within the span of a weekend Leonid finds out his biological father is alive, nearly becomes a mindless machine, has his adoptive father killed and then he witnesses his biological dad be killed again.

however Leonid persists. With him getting perticularely close to his teammate Pantha and her son Baby Wildebeest. And when he leaves the team they go with him.

While there's sadly very little buildup that I was able to pick up on Leonid becoming patriach of this quite queer little family unit is adorable and I wish we got to see more of it.

after Leonid's departure from the titans he made a few scamp appearances. mainly in the anniversary specials that brought every living titan together.

And then we get to he big one. Infinite Crisis.

Leonid, Pantha and Wildebeest head Connor's distress signal and meet in Smallville to fight against Super Boy Prime. and in the span of 2 pages (really 2 half pages because these deaths aren't given too much space) Leonid loses everything. enraged by the bullshit Prime is spewing Pantha jumps to try and claw at him only to have her head punched off. That head lands in front of their feat. Baby rushes at him but likewise he has a hole punched through him. Before Leonid can properly react Prime freezes him into a block of ice.

and if you're still following this I think you can sense a theme. Leonid's suffering almost always comes from throwing other characters by the way side and treating hem as disposable.

this to me is the most agrivating and aggregious one. With Victor's coma he was able to escape from that in an amazing sory. Baby and Pantha never go that. Pantha showed up one last time as an alternate timeline version of herself aided Booster Gold and Ted Kord in a world overrun by OMACs (which I have my own issues wih but this is about Leonid so I won't dwell), and baby? has never been seen again.

After this Leonid becomes a shell of the man he was. An angry recluse who only stops moping over what's been lost when his country is in danger. And to add insult to injury like Wolfmann before him Geoff Johns reverted him back to basics and made him an agent of the russian government. Despite that making no god damned sense with his history of russia's conservatives.

I will admit I have not read Geoff Johns' teen titans run and with how he butchered my favorite character and turned the other one into a jackbooted asshole I don't ever want to.

But what's important here is the call back to new teen titans 49 where despite how much pain and anguish Prime has subjected Leonid to. Slaughtering his family. Leonid is never alowed to give that cathartic beatdown that would not make all of this worth it but would soffen he blow.

ever since Wolfmann alone started writing him Leonid's life has been a whirlwind of tragedy. But through out all of it. Leonid continued to be nice, kind, and above all a god damned hero. Willing to risk life and limb if it meant saving people.

Geoff Johns did not continue this. the red star that Johns' wrote is not the character I fell in love with. He's a depressed asshole working for the people who made his life a living hell.

I just prey that one day we'll see the real Leonid Kovar again. His last appearance was in doomsday clock where he said nothing and was once again just a russian agent.

Him and Pantha hasn't shared panel space since she died. And that doesn't seem to be changing soon.

But I will not stop hoping.

If you've reached this far I just wanna thank you. This rant is way too fucking long but I needed to get it all out of my sysem. If like me you're a red star fan I would love to have a chat sometime (lord knows there ain't alot of us left). And if you're not a red star fan I especially thank you for reading these autistic ravings about something you care not for.

#leonid kovar #red star #teen titans #new titans #pantha #baby wildebeest #jesus fucking christ this is way too long

[mixelation]

This is maybe a weird ask, but regarding Sasori ships and relationship HCs what are things he would break a relationship over? (Does he end it and turn them into a puppet?Probably) But more specifically do you think he would be the type to breakup in some misplaced attempt to keep an SO safe? It seems a little too immature for him, now that I'm actually asking lol

Interesting question. I'll preface my answer with that I don't really like break-up fics so I haven't put a ton of thought into it as like.... a character/narrative concept?

Anyway. The version of Sasori that lives in my head is very much about control, in part as part of a defense mechanism. Sasori was traumatized by the loss of his parents, and losing things is both something he fears and a type of hurt that makes him feel disgusted with himself because it reminds him his own power/control has slipped. If Sasori is in control, then nothing can hurt him, you see?

So I don't think he'd take a break up.... well. I've talked about this before, but I don't think a Sasori ship can be IC unless there's a phase where he desperately wants to turn the object of his affection into a puppet. This is in part because he'd see it as a gift of eternal life/beauty to his partner, and also he'd want to be able to institute his absolute control over his SO for his own emotional protection. One could argue this is an end of a relationship-- Sasori likes you so much he murders you. Oops.

For most Sasori ship concepts I like, there has to be some narrative element that prevents Sasori from turning someone into a puppet. So taking the above end off the table, I can see Sasori initiating a break-up going two ways.

The first way is that the relationship ends explosively. I think there's a lot of ways, once he's made an investment in a relationship, Sasori might end up feeling deeply betrayed, and then he'd react violently. I'm trying to think of things Sasori would view as a personal betrayal... regular betrayal, obviously (selling info, actual cheating, misaligned loyalties, etc). I don't think he'd mind an SO keeping secrets, but he might if they were secrets that involved him somehow? And I think there might be some ways to ideologically betray him-- stuff that goes beyond bad art opinions and into "you are actively preventing art." Like, I think he'd get upset/resentful if an SO intervened in him making a puppet without his consent. And then I think he'd take your body and turn it into some really freaky art.

The second way is that, if the relationship started to deteriorate slowly, I don't think Sasori would know how to stop it. Like if there are a lot of minor disagreements that don't get immediately addressed and just caused of build-up of toxic feelings, or just mutually getting bored with each other or having your lives go in opposite directions... or maybe situation related to your proposed scenario, in which SO is in some sort of danger which inconveniences them both and for some reason Sasori can't just poison it to death (like, he keeps having to save you from dumb situations because you're a civilian following a ninja around or something), Sasori might start getting resentful of how that affects his art? I don't think Sasori would be able to let you go, even after he decided to break up. Unless there was a massive amount of personal growth somewhere along the line, I think he'd see the threat of loss looming the distance and.... panic and turn you into a puppet. Oops again.

I don't think Sasori would break up with an SO to protect them, because I don't think he'd consider anywhere safer than being in his beloved puppet collection. But! Okay, let's say you achieved the super secret personal growth play-through. I think you could get a similar scenario if Sasori decided your creative energies were detracting from each other rather than enhancing each other. Then he'd be like "it'd be better for you as a creator to not be with me," which is probably the highest level of respect Sasori could show a person. Like, it would require him to not be resentful you might be negatively impacting his own creative juices and valuing your growth in.... whatever he considers your artistic talents (it doesn't have to be literal art). Wow, love.

In that final situation, I don't think he'd Edward Cullen his SO and just leave them without explanation. What if you went off and did something besides this vision he has for you? What if you tried to follow him? He needs to be clear about what's happening smh

#sasori

[alistairlowes]

aoud reread part 1 or me just crying over alistair and gavin as you will

"Reid MacTavish decorated like her grandmama."

IT'S NOT A BAD THING

*

"Although Alistair might still live and breathe for now, he was the cruelest of all the champions left in the tournament."

lich rally not true but ok

*

amanda foody & christine lynn herman coming up with book2 ships

*

“Come out, asshole,” he muttered.

well...

*

honestly love that part when they put reid into the tournament it's so deserved.

*

“I can’t stand Grieve. He’s had it out for me before we ever laid eyes on each other, and he’s always looking for a fight.

meanwhile one of gavin's first impressions was like: uh he kinda hot :/

*

"Flirting had worked for Isobel, and if left with no resort, Alistair might be forced to consider—"

i love him. he is so stupid ♡

*

alistair, gavin, hendry and that child they kidnapped is literally best dynamic ever

*

alistair and gavin forming an alliance

*

"Because despite all the horrific training he’d endured, his heart remained a soft and brittle thing."

shut up i'm not crying

*

alistair: i will literally never care about another person ever again

gavin:

*

"As far as I’m concerned, you’re a freak."

no she is so right he is

*

ok i love alistair in general but the way gavin notices small details about him like his voice was oddly soft 🥺 it's sending because he is like yeah i want him dead and next sentence is like his face looked gentle or someshit

*

“You see what they’re saying about me,” Alistair said, unbothered, sniffing a dusty, suspicious jar of fig preserves. “That I’m ‘unstable’ and ‘destructive.’”

bby i love you but are they really wrong now

*

"Allies or not, rehearsed or not, it was strange to hear Gavin back him up, to consider that Gavin Grieve and Alistair Lowe could ever be on the same side."

ofc never 😔

*

“Why are you so angry with me?” Gavin asked.

“Because I don’t give a damn about the rest of the world’s judgment, but I refuse to take yours.

they make me so ill </3

*

“I can’t believe them,” Finley said. “Alistair killed his entire family, and he gets a fan club.”

it's me. i'm the fanclub.

*

"Why did Alistair get the world’s sympathy while she suffered its scorn?"

agreed unfair. i think this is first time i ever saw a book directly call out how men get a pass for same thing you would judge women for

*

the "i could fix him" for alistair asdfghj

*

“Don’t die,” he muttered to Alistair’s limp form. “I’m the one who gets to kill you, okay?”

😭😭😭

*

“You’ve got a fucked-up sense of humor.”

“You have to, when your life’s a joke.”

GAVIN REAL

*

“After that, I stare at the wall for a few hours.”

no one will ever understand how relatable he is to me <3

*

"He looked wrong, and each time the blond peeked through or his eyes returned to his own, an odd feeling stirred in Alistair—one he recognized and certainly didn’t welcome."

*

"Alistair dismissed the feeling—it was an intrusive thought, nothing more."

hihihi

*

alistair in book2 after being put in a death tournament, his family killing his brother, him bringing his brother back from the dead,almost getting killed, getting cursed to death and dumped by his gf of 3 days, murdering his whole family, kidnapping a child, getting trashed by media, almost getting killed again, about to have a bi awakening and fall for his ~enemy~:

*

fav thing is how alistair finds that gavin is "distraction" from his dark thoughts like 12/10 for that

*

"Alistair had never even been certain he liked boys, not beyond the occasional book or television character, figments of fiction."

*

alistair's crime count be like

*

"I—I keep telling myself that when this is over, it’ll stop haunting me. But after today … I don’t know if it ever will.”

he is written so well idgaf his guilt his grief his anger fucK

*

“You’re not a monster, Al,” he whispered.

Whatever Alistair had expected him to say, it clearly wasn’t that. At first he inspected him with thinly veiled suspicion, but Gavin didn’t avert his gaze, even as he wondered if this whole conversation had been a mistake. Then Alistair turned away, cheeks flushing.

“Well, you’re not broken,” Alistair grumbled, staring fixedly at the table.

*

gavin is in crisis after finally having realizashun he has crush on alistair

*

ending this part because it won't let me include more memes </3

#val reads #full of spoilers and once again longer than my final at this point lmao #aouv #aoud #all of us villains #all of our demise

[kiaxet]

I didn't bother with word counts lol but for the DVD commentary

this bit from Lethal Measures:

"The slab flops over backwards, April releasing it as gravity takes hold, and underneath it is a Krang-

there are tentacles in his arms in his legs under his skin under his shell there is power in the ship there is knowledge in the database and there is the understanding that he is not himself and if he cannot keep himself together in the mind of this ship then he will be lost gone subsumed but he is torn away from the knowledge the power the ship but the tentacles are still in his body in his mind in his memories they never left he never left they are STILL THERE-

His mind snaps back to reality to find his body has acted in his absence: put itself protectively between April and the Krang, activated his tech-bo and his ninpo ( he’d never devised a weapon that could hurt the Krang but that had not stopped him from trying, long overnight hours in medbay keeping vigil over Leo’s injured form trying to think of a way to handle them if they ever came back ) in the form of an oversized and jagged-edged glaive, and locked down defensively, awaiting motion from the invader intruder murderer Krang. April’s hands are clamped on his shoulders, and she’s nearly yelling, trying to get through- “I told you, I checked it, it’s DEAD -”

Which is when Donnie’s brain finally processes the data his eyes are providing beyond the initial panic instinct, and he realizes what he’s looking at is half a Krang. The left half, to be precise.

Oh .

He sags as adrenaline loosens its hold on his system, and April lets go. “You with me, Mister Cold-Blooded?”"

And this bit from Site 39:

"Evidently Siobhan has the same idea, as she hasn’t taken her seat again. “How was Tahiti?”

“It’s a magical place. Amazing mai tais. A little rocky at the end, when my flight got rerouted to Vermont and I had to rent a car and drive five hours in traffic to get here, but that’s not Tahiti’s fault.” Or Vermont’s, but given that both of New York’s major airports were currently closed, the airlines were doing their best, and at least she’d had the foresight to not fly Southwest. She rolls her shoulders, sharply cracks her neck, ignores the wince from Fadi at the sound, and taps the edge of one of Siobhan’s monitors. “What are we looking at here? I saw the public reactions, but what do we actually have? Catch me up.”

So they do.

And Margo stares . Squeezes her eyes shut. Rubs her temples. Opens her eyes again and stares some more. She’d thought seeing public accounts would prepare her for the full explanation. She had been wrong. Holy shit .

She sighs, still trying to wrap her head around everything. “So we had an alien invasion.”

“Yep.”

“That came and went in a single day.”

“Yep.”

“And now we have an alien in the basement.”"

AIGHT LET'S GO

I wrote the first chapter or so of Lethal Measures in a Brand New Hyperfixation Fugue State, so a good amount of the writing process for this can be described as Brain Go Brrr. That said:

The slab flops over backwards, April releasing it as gravity takes hold, and underneath it is a Krang-

there are tentacles in his arms in his legs under his skin under his shell there is power in the ship there is knowledge in the database and there is the understanding that he is not himself and if he cannot keep himself together in the mind of this ship then he will be lost gone subsumed but he is torn away from the knowledge the power the ship but the tentacles are still in his body in his mind in his memories they never left he never left they are STILL THERE-

I am inordinately fond of using run-on sentences and fragments to signify racing thoughts or a breakdown, because the lack of punctuation rolls everything together into a rambling mess, which is absolutely the point. Donnie is just a touch traumatized by the invasion, but don't worry, He's Fine.

His mind snaps back to reality to find his body has acted in his absence: put itself protectively between April and the Krang, activated his tech-bo and his ninpo ( he’d never devised a weapon that could hurt the Krang but that had not stopped him from trying, long overnight hours in medbay keeping vigil over Leo’s injured form trying to think of a way to handle them if they ever came back ) in the form of an oversized and jagged-edged glaive, and locked down defensively, awaiting motion from the invader intruder murderer Krang. April’s hands are clamped on his shoulders, and she’s nearly yelling, trying to get through- “I told you, I checked it, it’s DEAD -”

Bodies, especially well-trained ones, do some wild shit while on autopilot, and I enjoy playing with that, especially in prose. The one-two punch of the brain spinning in a breakdown while the body goes DAMMIT BRAIN I GUESS I'LL KEEP US ALIVE TODAY, followed by the brain picking the reins back up and only then taking stock of what the fuck happened when it stepped out back to have a brief scream into the void, is great to write. The reader gets to be just as surprised as the returning brain is!

I do tend to overuse parentheticals, but that's very much a style thing for me. I was taught that anything in parentheses could be removed without upsetting the coherence and the structure of the paragraph that contained them, and that is how I use them. It's fun flavor text and occasionally extremely rude on my end, just the way I like it. :D

(Also, had I been thinking, I would've specifically given Donnie a naginata, but fugue state meant I defaulted to glaive. Bitches love glaives. It's me; I'm bitches.)

Which is when Donnie’s brain finally processes the data his eyes are providing beyond the initial panic instinct, and he realizes what he’s looking at is half a Krang. The left half, to be precise.

Oh .

He sags as adrenaline loosens its hold on his system, and April lets go. “You with me, Mister Cold-Blooded?”

This is all just setup. Part of the payoff is a few paragraphs later, making a crack about the other half of the Krang; the rest is the upcoming repetition of Cold-Blooded as a descriptor. I intend to make it painful in chapter 3, whenever that rolls around.

Site 39 is my excuse to dabble in worldbuilding - enough to make the entire Turtle Torchwood series an AU in its own right - because part of my engagement with a canon is to poke at the holes, ask how things work, and make up my own answers that fit within existing parameters. I knew next to nothing about Bishop or the EPF when I started this, and now that I know more, I'm still planning on doing my own thing. I'm having way more fun with my little crew than I think I would with Bishop.

Evidently Siobhan has the same idea, as she hasn’t taken her seat again. “How was Tahiti?”

“It’s a magical place. Amazing mai tais. A little rocky at the end, when my flight got rerouted to Vermont and I had to rent a car and drive five hours in traffic to get here, but that’s not Tahiti’s fault.” Or Vermont’s, but given that both of New York’s major airports were currently closed, the airlines were doing their best, and at least she’d had the foresight to not fly Southwest. She rolls her shoulders, sharply cracks her neck, ignores the wince from Fadi at the sound, and taps the edge of one of Siobhan’s monitors. “What are we looking at here? I saw the public reactions, but what do we actually have? Catch me up.”

So they do.

Site 39 is also my excuse to shamelessly make references and inflict psychic damage on my audience, because I find it funny and also I can. To note for these, I watched a whole lot of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., and I was one of the poor bastards caught in last December's Southwestpocalypse.

Also, there's always someone in a group that gets super unnerved when anyone else cracks their joints. Poor Fadi.

And Margo stares . Squeezes her eyes shut. Rubs her temples. Opens her eyes again and stares some more. She’d thought seeing public accounts would prepare her for the full explanation. She had been wrong. Holy shit .

She sighs, still trying to wrap her head around everything. “So we had an alien invasion.”

“Yep.”

“That came and went in a single day.”

“Yep.”

“And now we have an alien in the basement.”

You ever come back from vacation and find that everything has gone straight to hell in your absence? Margo is having that kind of day. For most people, that means paperwork; for Margo, that means dealing with the fact that her day job now has a dangerous predator under glass in the basement.

Also, there's a big difference between getting your information from a reliable source and getting it from Twitter scuttlebutt. Margo at least knows better than to trust everything the Twitter randos are saying.

The meme is here; ask me things!

#Kia says stuff #dandywonderous #fic: site 39 #fic: lethal measures

[megarywrites]

find the word

tagged by @thewriteflame and my words were: space, sound, sleep, flight, and erase. I'll tag @erensattacktitandick @isherwoodj @flowerprose @daisywords and @pinespittinink and your words will be: taste, tease, tired, torn, and trust

Seafoam didn't have flight or erase so I had to go into old drafts from my series to fill those two prompts

space

The soles of my sandals were slick enough to make me almost slip as I burst into the kitchens. I steadied myself, looking up at the now-giggling scullery maids and the amused yet exasperated Loreda. Shooting them a grin that they couldn’t see, I hurried over to the kitchen where Marina—one of the maids—slid the Diamo’s tray of food to where I stopped.  “I’m surprised he hasn’t come down for his meal himself, with how long you took,” Loreda said, shaking her head. Still smiling, albeit a tad sheepishly, I rubbed the space between my brows with two fingers. “Yeah, yeah. Take your sorrys and head upstairs. Away with you, now,” she said, nodding for the door that lead up to the Diamo’s dining room.

sound

Drowsiness was settling over me like a blanket, and before I could stop myself, my eyes slid closed.  A second later, I jerked awake, determined as I was to keep myself from falling asleep…but…I was no longer in Chitrenikos.  I was back on the [the ship]. In [her first murder]’s bed. And I wasn’t alone. [He] laid beside me, our arms pressed together, and he was cold and stiff and dead. Blood was gurgling out of him from around the shard still protruding from his belly. We were drowning in his sea of silken purple sheets, but…what was that sound? In my trepidation, I could do no more than turn my head slightly to glimpse at him. His unblinking eyes stared at the ceiling and an open-mouthed smile touched his lips. He was emitting a faint laugh.  Get out. Get out of his bed. Get out of this room. Get back to the sea where you’re safe and free and— “Thala,” he rasped, as if his throat was still raw from that final yell I stabbed out of him. “There’s no escape.”

sleep

Beyond the jagged edge of the dilapidated courtyard laid the vast and terrifying expanse of the cavernous ocean. She told me of the wreckages they had explored and scavenged…or caused. I went with her, once, but the memories were still too fresh, and I could feel the phantom hands all over me. If I closed my eyes for even a second, I would see the men attached to them, too — their wicked grins, their vile forms creeping out of the shadows and lunging for me.  Was it really any wonder that I forwent sleep?

flight — from an old draft of Visions from the Pool

"You can come out now," he said, nudging where he could feel a little spot of warmth beneath his jacket. The brilor darted out in front of him, illuminating the portion of the woods directly before him. He grimaced with each step, his ankle throbbing in pain. "It's a good thing I have feeling in my legs again," he said sarcastically, stopping to check his ankle. He hunkered down to the ground, pulling his boot off with a wince, the brilor hovering down before him so he could see what he was doing. He took his pack off from his back, bringing it to his lap, feeling around inside once he got it unlatched. "Three pairs of socks, mum...really?" He pulled out one of the extra pairs, peeling off the one he soiled with mud on his flight from Carnen and replacing it with one of the fresh socks. He brushed his hand along the ground, feeling for sticks or twigs that would work as a brace. Finding several, he piled them by his injured foot and began tearing the muddy sock into strips, making himself a brace of sorts. He gingerly pulled the other sock up and over the brace before slipping into his boot. Groaning, he leaned his head against his knee. His stomach growled, souring his already poor mood. Why was it that anything that could possibly go wrong was doing exactly that?

erase — from a random snippet of from Book 2 (I'm rethinking the current title lol)

“Are you still upset with me?”  Konan gulped, finally turning to her, finding her staring at her clasped hands. The moons’ light shimmered in her hair, lined the slope of her nose, the curve of her lips. He averted his eyes, licking his lips before scrubbing his hand over his beard. “Part of me wants to be, if I’m being honest. But…” Her head lifted, and he immediately looked back at her, her night-dark eyes snatching his gaze. “But I think at this point, it’s impossible for me to stay mad at you.”  The corner of her lip twitched up; she was trying not to smile. Konan stepped closer, his hand stretching across the banister toward hers. Not touching, not unless she did so first.  “I know it doesn’t erase what…what happened, but I am sorry.”  “I know.”  “What do I need to do for you to forgive me?”  Her eyes searched his imploringly, and any of his residual anger towards the rather unfortunate situation she had aided in the bringing about melted away. “Nothing.” She blinked. Slowly at first, then rapidly as her brow furrowed. “I already have.”   “But—”  “We’ll sort all this out. Together.”

#tag game #excerpt: seafoam #excerpt: visions #excerpt: music #wip: seafoam #mc: thala galanis #tc: marina #tc: loreda #sc: solera aurado #wip: visions #mc: konan o'connor #wip: music #mc: zurri ao'nin #I had completely forgotten about brilor until i found this part for the tag game lol #a brilor is a sentient ball of light conjured with a wand #they're usually attached to the conjurer in that they prefer them over other people #but like they don't talk at all Konan is just lonely as fuck so his brilor is his only friend at the moment #he even named it but i can't remember what it was let me try to go find it #Fio! that's its name #rereading parts of Visions is reminding me how much work i have to do lol it's okay i'll be a much better story than the previous drafts #oh also #ship: kurri

[pearblossommina]

ToG Read-A-Long, Empire of Storms, day 8

Ch 45

“And maybe the fact that Dorian could even look at a female with interest after seeing Sorscha beheaded was a miracle.”

I wanna be real clear. The reason Dorian x Manon kinda makes me uncomfy has nothing to do with Dorian’s heartbreaking loss of his former lover Sorscha. I support Dorian finally getting a chance to heal, to change, to grow as a character, to return to his slut era if that’s what he wants to do, and I know Sorscha would be happy to see his heart healing too. Manon is really hot and amazing and Dorian should be beyond thrilled that she would ever consider being with someone like him. I just… don’t like how random it feels? I don’t know how else to say it, lol. It feels like everybody else has some chemistry, an underlying reason to be in love… Even Aedion and Lysandra have a certain dynamic. Manon and Dorian don’t really, and they kinda went from 0 to 100 in the last chapter and it felt really forced and unnatural.

“Dorian had once been notorious when it came to women, but this ... Aelin snorted, wishing Chaol were present, if only to see the look on his face.”

He’d be upset, and then he’d want a turn with Manon, because he likes to date everyone Dorian dates. He’s very normal and that’s a very healthy way to treat your ultimate platonic best friend who you love…

Ch 46

I got kinda bored in this chapter

I’m genuinely not sure how

It’s like, the action can only escalate so far, ya know? I need a dang minute to breathe. I thought we were gonna have a nice quiet time on a sailboat. With the only conflict being the interpersonal conflict of Dorian wanting to set Manon free… and Aelin wanting to not set Manon free…. And Rowan wanting to do whatever Aelin wants to do…. And no fierce ferocious demons, or bloodhounds, or ilken, until we, y’know, get where we’re going.

Idk lol

I just don’t have time to care about the high stakes action element, not right now for whatever reason.

Ch 47

I’m glad they all won, everybody relatively unhurt.

Fenrys seems to be the most at risk of dying but I don’t really know him that well, so, I’m not attached to him if he does go.

A little bit of a moment for Aedion with his estranged father, aww, how sweet.

Dude, are Lysandra and Aedion ever gonna talk about their impending wedding?

Ch 48

I wish I could be normal about Dorian and Manon, lol. They still aren’t doing it for me.

“He tried to scent her, but the vomit was too overpowering, the space too small and full of brine. He stumbled back a step, shutting out the thoughts.”

OMG. ALIEN. He has pregnancy trauma! You better be hurling because you’re scared. Or else you better be prepared to deal with the fetus… Rowan cannot handle the concept of a pregnant girl in eminent danger. And you guys are pretty much ALWAYS in eminent danger. Get yourself some plan B, and talk to your boyfriend about conceiving a child when you’re ready and when there’s not a scary war happening.

Ch 49

Elide and Lorcan. Nice to see you again.

They stepped off the river and right back into eminent danger.

Ch 50

I’m so glad Elide has the sheer rage and righteous anger inside her to murder that thing!

She did it for Manon. I miss Elide and Manon. I think they are a way better ship than Dorian and Manon, lol. My heart is just gay, and Manon is just a dream.

(I think Elide and Lorcan have pretty good chemistry, and I don’t mind reading about them. But deep down inside I guess I’m still shipping Elide and Manon.)

(I know it’ll never happen, but it SHOULD have)

Ch 51

“They had only discussed the matter once last week. When she'd crawled off him, panting and coated in sweat, and he'd asked if she was taking a tonic. She merely told him no.”

Perfect!

I’m glad you guys talked about it like responsible adults. But um. I’m still team don’t-plan-your-pregnancy-around-war, lmao. Maybe try to keep some Plan B around, at least until the Erawan is defeated, and good triumphs over evil, and you can, you know, carry a pregnancy to term without giving your boyfriend severe PTSD

“She'd kept the thoughts about it at bay. But now, with that flower-smelling wyvern vanishing over the horizon.

The last piece of the Wing Leader had vanished with him.”

😭

NO

Why!

I hate this

I’m way too emotionally invested in Abraxos and Manon…

NO! Please don’t go! You can’t do this to me!

#tog read along 2023 #empire of storms