#trans grief

[howlingtothevoid]

Complex feelings, hidden delusions

...

I wish I was a boy, I wish I was your man

#web weaving #web weave #webweaving #on grief #on love #childhood grief #oc story: pathdog #Pathdog!CreatureBoris #trans grief #transgender poetry #in a sense #it makes sense in context #oc webweave

[trans-bread-of-life]

Yesterday morning, I had a dream where I was on an elevator with a few people from a “discipleship school” (borderline cult) that I went to back in my Evangelical days. One of the ministry leaders got onto the elevator, said hi by name to every person but me, and only when I said hi to her again did she say hi, still refusing to use my name.

The dream was probably a realistic picture of what would happen if I ran into this particular woman someday, but I’m also wondering if it doesn’t have something to say more broadly about the experience of being a trans man.

As a cis-passing trans guy, I don’t really have a lot of places to belong in the queer community. I’m not a gay man, and gay male spaces are generally a minefield of dysphoria & avoiding chasers anyway. I relate to the sapphics, but as a man, I never really fit in their spaces (even when they try to be more inclusive). Trans-femmes have their own right-knot communities, but I really just have a few isolated trans-masc friends I go to for advice. I could probably fit in with cishet people, but I would have to hide the fact that I’m trans.

And when it comes to dating (mostly women & feminine people, as I’m kind of 90-10 bi favoring women), I keep shooting my shot and being turned down over and over again.

I don’t think I’m the only person experiencing this. In fact, I think it’s a systemic challenge that trans men face. As we are transitioning and reaching the times when we most need strong community support, we’re suddenly forced into the isolation of North American manhood. The message that we hear (usually implied, but occasionally out loud) is, “you wanted to be a man, so welcome to the worst part.”

But of course trans men are even more isolated than cis men, because all of these wild things are happening to our bodies with no one there to teach us to shave or show us how to navigate these new gender roles or help us figure out what the fuck to do with all of this ass hair.

I’m lucky to be involved in very queer church circles, where there is a critical mass to form a robust queer friend group, but not a big enough group to break off into specific identities. But that’s the only place where I’ve found myself belonging to a group and forming deep friendships.

I want there to be parties and queer community events/spaces where my presence is actively wanted & encouraged. I want to have memories that counter the many experiences I have (and the many more that I will have) of romantic rejection. I want to feel like I’m enough, and I want to feel like I belong.

I don’t know what the solution is (besides more spaces open to all LGBTQ+ people and maybe me figuring out to be hotter or something?) but I have to keep hoping it will get better.

In the meantime, hug a trans guy (with his consent) the next time you see one.

#transmasc #trans man #trans #transgender #trans grief #anti transmasculinity #queer christian #transandrophobia

[sometimesraven]

I think we as a society spend so much time focusing on the grief of the people surrounding trans people (whether that’s supporting or opposing it) that we don’t ever focus on the grief that trans people sometimes have to go through regarding our own transition.

Like,,, nobody ever talks about the grief that comes with leaving parts of a person you thought you were behind you.

To use a very specific example: nobody warned me that in realising I might want to go on Testosterone meant I would have to face the grief of most likely losing the soprano vocal style I spent literally my entire life training and honing.

Growing up, my voice was my only pride. I had a natural soprano range which I self-taught to be carried healthily. I can hit almost every note in every Nightwish song (my special interest band who I modelled almost every musical skill I have off of)

I grew up adoring that I was the only one in my college class who could hit the high note in Take on Me. I feel a swell of pride every time I effortlessly hit a high note I remember struggling with as a child.

Then I realised I was trans.

Then I stopped writing music for a reason I couldn’t figure out. I just couldn’t. I hated everything I made.

Then I realised my voice was making me dysphoric.

Do you know how painful it is to face that the one thing that made me happy as a child makes me miserable now? To listen back to songs I sung growing up and have so much fun singing along to them only to have a crisis of “oh my god I don’t want to lose this”.

Idk it just sucks that no matter what, I have to grieve part of me that I might not get back.

#vent #transgender #transmasc #hormone therapy #trans grief #transition #trans issues #the only thing making me know I want T is the fact that it’s been so long #since I habitually sang in my higher range #that I’ve unlearned how to carry my breath properly #I get lightheaded singing old songs I used to find easy #it’s so annoying #it took literally like 10 years to perfect my high range

[sweaty-confetti]

often i’ll see terfs saying that the reason they dislike trans people or “don’t believe” in us or “disagree” with us is because they have faced trauma at the hands of cis men. and that’s such an absolutely absurd take. to have your body violated and hurt, to have your own autonomy taken from you is a horrible thing. why would you project that onto trans people? knowing how it feels when your body is controlled by others, and then attempting to control others’ bodies when they’ve done nothing to you? fucking bizarre and nonsensical.

this is not a post open for discourse. i will not hesitate to block any terfs who interact with this post.

#terfs fuck off #tw terfs #terfs do NOT touch #terfs suck #trans rights #trans liberation #transphobia #ftm #mtf #trans #transmisogyny #anti transmasculinity #terfs dni #transgender #trans joy #trans grief #trans rage #emo moss talks #transphobia tw

[air-tuna-art]

To every terf, bigot, etc coming across this post

Leave us alone

We are bothering nobody

We are literally just living a life

And you don't even have to agree with us, but at the very least we deserve is human decency

I'm going to put this in the language you want to hear.

You can say "men don't get periods" or "trans women aren't women" all you want, you have the right to talk your views (even if they hurt others), but this doesn't make you immune to conciquence

You can name science, even though biology has proven to us that sex assigned is more than male/female. You can name any religious reason under the fucking sun (once again, not without backlash or consequence)

But all of us regardless of views deserve the basic modicum of respect which is:

The right of autonomy (let us be)

The right to comfort

The right to identify as what we want

The right to access healthcare

The right to be identified accurately

The right to not be targeted by hate

How would you feel if we did the same to you? If we removed your right to religion, to healthcare, to protection just because you are who you are, would you be just as patient?

Because im losing my fucking patience. Its gotten so bad thst I've considered detransitioning because of how volatile people are towards the topic. I've been labeled woke, mentally insane, dillusional and a groomer by the right leaning side of everything. These are words I see too often. I'm just living comfortably or at least trying to.

And to all those saying, even if it was a choice to change gender, SO FUCKING WHAT? Why does that mean I should be shunned for feeling differently than someone else?

To the trans allies and trans people who see this:

Keep this going. Add your thoughts, say your bit, or simply just reblog. Let the love outweigh the hate. Every reblog shows that a trans life is deserving of equal respect.

#transphobia #bigotry #usa laws #terf logic #say what you want #but we deserve respect that you dont give #trans rant #please reblog #1 reblog = 1 person protecting a trans persons rights #respect identity #respect others #freedom of speech isnt freedom from consequence #freedom of choice #freedom of identity #trans #transgender #in response to the 100's of anti trans bills being spewed from the us and the numerous hate campaigns spawning all over the world #trans grief #let people do what they want #please leave us alone #please?

[theissuewithred]

in my trans grief hours *autism yippee*

#tw vent #i never got to have the right childhood #i never got to just be a little kid #that little boy was never allowed to be a little boy #and there's just so much happening now that makes me think about that #like. nex benedict was sixteen #they didn't get to be a sixteen year old kid #did they even know how to drive yet? did they want to go to prom? #they were sixteen years old. they were a CHILD #and they weren't allowed to be one #trans youth aren't allowed to just live and be kids #we have to grow up so fucking fast #and just live every day knowing that something might happen to them #i might go to work tomorrow and someone will see my pronoun pin and decide that because of that pin I'm not allowed to be alive #it's just so terrifying all of the time and it's so exhausting #trans rights #trans grief #protect trans youth

[styx142]

It’s okay to mourn the childhood you never allowed yourself to experience.

#transgender #inner child #trans grief #childhood #quotes #thougths #self healing #affirmations

[azkami]

I can be the death of you.

#dark aesthetic #dark #grunge #goth #sexygilrs #trans nsft #trans grief #Spotify

[bebop-and-oysters]

Silly poems to handle trans grief or w/e

I cry hard enough that my teeth ache and my bones rattle and I am reminded that under the skin of this man that I have grown into sits a little girl that misses her mother. Gentle sniffles that make the same sound that they did a decade ago in a similar dark bedroom, also in the dead of night. But today I do not miss her because I am far away but rather I miss her because I am sad and I want to be comforted. Lord, make it so my mother never dies.

Wiping away at my runny nose does not rid me of my sorrow. And licking at the snot doesn’t make me more of a man. Sometimes I sit in the dark and wonder what it would have been like to be born different. Would I still be so sad? Am I destined for it? Would my dad treat me like a puppet still? They say the eldest daughter is the first parent. I am no longer the daughter and yet the parent I stay. When does the labor end? When does this man get to take a break?

The memory of a wide wide bed and a small small body, wrapped in blankets and sorrow. It weaves through me, and sneaks up when I least expect it. Like the number of days I’ve lived or the length of my hair. Back then I cried from loneliness and fear. Now I am familiar with loneliness. It is an old friend that holds me close. It strokes my head and whispers sweet nothings. It smells of my mother’s shampoo that she hasn’t used since I was 10. It looks like my father handing me a dvd before a long drive. The fear has morphed. It has been swallowed whole. Replaced by terror, gripped in a vice by depression. It is the part of my sadness that I am glad to have. You cannot be afraid if you are too sad to fear the world. And yet it sneaks up on me every time I let the dog in and I worry he was eaten by a coyote. And every time I drive up the hill and I worry I will fall off. It is the same fear and sadness of my youth that has been stretched like taffy. The salt of it still tinged with my tears.

My heart aches every time he needs a sister, for I am the brother that he never asked for. My bones creak with every passing day, singing the song of a young man stunted and stuck. Would it be easy to have been born different? Would I not ache in the way that I do? Is the transness I feel an extension of my discomfort or is it a thing of beauty I cannot revel in? This changing body is so delicate. The removal of some hair the difference between being the man I am and the lady they want me to be. I cannot tell if the pain in my chest is from the dysphoria or if I have cracked a rib trying to suppress it. It spreads like a rash and yet I cannot stop scratching. A new pair of pants and some bug facts keeps me at bay but the constant barrage of knives that tear into my skin with every false word has left me worn and withered. I do not correct. It is wrong to correct. I know this. My feelings do not matter if they are inconvenient to the ones that love me. What a sick cycle I live in, and yet the washer keeps spinning.

We are all just animals at the root

Some are bonobos, some gophers, some dogs

I think maybe I am a beetle

I am made to be alone

The ache in my toes comes not from growth but from stagnation. I have stayed the same for so long that I have no hope of changing. The little voice in my head that whispered these words morphs into the voice of my father. Is it not enough to feel guilty where I lie? Is it too much to ask for my brain to quiet.

I remember reaching into my soul at the tender age of long ago and tearing off a piece of it to hand to you. You tore an equal piece from your own, and I taught you how to sew them together with unsteady hands. Our gap toothed smiles were replaced with sharp canines and wisdom teeth removed. The piece of you in my soul has practically grown into mine. Yet every time we talk, it is like we are tightening the stitches again. I am glad that mine have not run loose.

They tell me to have fun

And they tell me to work hard

And they tell me not to think

To overplan

To never sleep

And always dream

What I always want to ask is

What do you prefer

Which one is most important

Which one should go first

A plant grows in soil

in dirt that forms the ground

The soil is laid

Then seeds spread around

The water and sunlight provide nutrition

And bacteria provides symbiotic additions

So which comes first

Is it the chicken or the egg?

Perhaps the dinosaur predecessor

Or the algae in the lake

I plan and I plan and I plan

And I brake

And you ask me

Why have you stopped?

I don’t know what’s next

Well why not?

You haven’t told me what’s next

Well it’s not so hard

Just pick something next

But what comes first?

My darling

Nothing comes first

There is no chicken

There is no egg

But if there’s no chicken

But if there’s no egg

How do you know

What comes first?

What do I choose?

What is most fulfilling

What enriches me

And most of all

What do I lose?

There’s nothing to lose

It’s life not a game

But why are some successful when others fail?

It is life

You cannot always win

Well that doesn’t seem fair

Of course not

It’s life

They don’t hand out medals

For the fairest of all

Well maybe they should change it

How?

I don’t know

There you have it

Life is unfair

And we don’t know how to change it

That seems even more unfair

It is

#poems and poetry #transgender #trans grief #father #best friends #dysphoria #trans man #trans masc

[mythomagically-delicious]

Poem of trans grief.

Sometimes we wake up

But sometimes we just open eyes and keep moving without looking

Not left not forward

And no way in hell is it right

But our eyes open and see back, behind us,

Bodies trailing

Painting black and brown, mostly,

Bloodied and broken and trailing our every breath-

Our every step in memory,

In chests still moving, somehow

By luck. Or By the force of someone ripping us awake and pushing us into new fires, daily

Into gun fire while we search out safe pockets of us,

Into our homes where hate follows

And beats us til we're numb

Sometimes we wake up

Sometimes we wake up

Sometimes we die and wake up and die and wake up and die and wake up and-

too many never wake up.

and we watch ourselves never grow past that moment, stunted, somehow finding the energy to be stunned at each new loss, but not surprised

Never surprised by the hate to our left, to our faces,

Never surprised by the hate to our rights

We wake up

But we can't move forward

We push and struggle and die all the same

(And we can't wake up)

#trans grief #current events

[violentalbino-real]

top 10 medical pet peeves: having “gender identity uncertainty” listed as a symptom just cuz i’m transgender when i’m actually very certain in what i am tyvm

#trans grief #trans grievances #medical pet peeve #pet peeve #medical grievances

[ghoulpoole]

dear nex,

your school failed you.

your peers failed you.

the hospital failed you.

authorities fail you,

adults fail you,

words fail you.

i fail you,

and i'm so sorry.

#poetry #queer poetry #trans poetry #transgender #trans #grief #loss #nex benedict #nex #protect trans kids #protect trans lives #protect trans youth

[souplups]

in memory of Nex Benedict, i am sorry you will never have the chance to become who you were made to be. my heart aches for you and all of my trans siblings. this is not the world you deserve.

#my grief lately has been extra heavy #nex benedict #if you can go donate to a trans or non-binary person's fundraiser

[toottootismygender]

aftercare: a decade of instagram 

oufy ouchy

hi toot toots,

im jude bug

i lov v v e to document

a bug's life

thank you for joining meee - ill be communicating through sounds, photos and word play

scooby dooby dooo i am tired of being censored

bless a farting star for starting over

grief and joy

grateful to be here

thank you for existing

xo jude bug

#trans artist #bless a farting star #toottoot is my gender #fuck queerphobes #acab #trans joy #trans grief #starting over #fuck instagram

[geodebiome]

i remember i made this cause of the summer heat. LAST summer. bonking myself over the head for only posting it now (on a CHILLY day even)

#jonmartin #the magnus archives #tma #jmart #jon sims #martin blackwood #also theyre both trans here if you give me any grief about it i WILL kill you #sorry for the violence in that tag it wont happen again. yes it will #tma fanart #my art #my stupid gay people from my horror podcasts #the magnus archives art #digital art #jon archivist #jon sims tma #martin blackwood tma

[corruptedtwinks]

written-on-polaroids /// Cassandra Clare /// Warsan Shire /// Ash-Seas /// David Foster Wallace /// serratedpens /// ? /// Lemony Snicket /// Stealthboy /// Kaveh Akbar ///

#poetry #web weave #web weaving #on loss #on grief #losing friends #trans art