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tllgrrl · 5 months

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20 Questions for Fic Writers

Thanks for the tag @missamyshay !! Sorry for the delay. Some of these questions were hard to answer, so I ran away, then came back, and ran away, and I apologize for the ramblings.

If anyone has any questions/asks, feel free to…well…ask.

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1. How many works do you have on AO3?

70 (Note: Many, of them well under 1K words and one shots. When something starts on Tumblr, it pretty much also goes over to AO3. Even drabbles.)

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

163,518

3. What Fandoms do you write for?

The Falcon and The Winter Soldier - Marvel Cinematic Universe

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1. One Quarter of a Year, 2. Language Lessons, 3. Welcome Home (the sequel to One Quarter of a Year), 4. A Front Yard Situation, 5. Bucky, Cass, and the King of Mardi Gras

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes. I don’t always immediately respond, but I eventually do. Why respond? Because I’m already surprised that anyone reads a thing I wrote. No one is required to leave a comment. They can read and go on to the next, and they do. But if someone reads something I wrote, and wants to tell me that something about it made them want to tell me about it what they liked or what touched them and/or ask a question, or in one case complain about it? It’s an amazing thing to me, so much so that a comment always sends me back to read WTF I could have possibly written that made someone feel this.

6. What is a fic you write with the angstiest ending?

I haven’t written one with an angsty ending. Yet.

7. What’s the fic you write with the happiest ending?

Hmmm…lemme think…

They’re all pretty happy, I think, but the most hopeful, heartfelt ending I think is at the end of Ndinawe when Sarah walks out of the therapist’s office building after her first ever session post-Snap/post-Return, and finds Bucky waiting for her with a little bunch of flowers.

I will leave it to readers to tell me what they think my happiest ending would be.

8. Do you get hate on fics.

There’s that one time someone liked, but complained about 6 words (2 short phrases) in a 300 word ficlet/triple drabble where Sarah and Bucky are in a very quiet and intimate moment, and he says something to her in isiXhosa, which we know he speaks. Then he says it in English, and then in Kreyol, which, in my headcanon, Sarah learned from her parents, who spoke Haitian Creole (Darlene’s family) and Louisiana Creole (Paul’s family). Because Louisiana.

This person was annoyed and couldn’t understand why anything other than English was being spoken even though the translation is in the story and a little Glossary is in the notes..

And when I tried to explain why I chose that and that in canon, Bucky and Sam both speak more than one language, the person commented back that didn’t want to read an explanation…which is why I wrote one anyway.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I write erotica. To my mind, smut is different. And I don’t like the word “smut’. Like how some people don’t like the word “moist”.

I write two middle-aged grownup adult people for whom Communication is important. Even if things are difficult or awkward, they still at least try.

Also, they’re perfectly able and willing to grab a Quickie, and I’ve written at least one Quickie, but in my stories so far, like to take their time when they have the opportunity. Someone once described it as making love “like adults: long, slow, luxurious”.

I think that’s the kind I write.

Maybe that didn’t describe the kind of “smut” I write. If anyone can describe it to me, please do!

10. Do you write crossovers?

Not yet. But I do have something in mind.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of and I hope not.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not that I know of, but I would actually like to try to do that myself with help from Google Translate, Language Tutorials on YouTube, and the assistance of native speakers.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic?

Yes!! Bucky, Cass, and the King of Mardi Gras co-written with The @btwxsixesandsevens. The Paul & Darlene Ship Logs is a A Talk Like a Pirate Day day-long speed write, where @btwxsixesandsevens, wrote Bucky’s Journal entries and I wrote Captain Sarah Wilson’s personal ship logs. And also Snitches which was born from a funny “what would happen if” conversation with @shellyac75. I asked if I could embellish it, stretched it out and make a fic, and was given permission to play.

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Bucky Barnes & Sarah Wilson (aka SarahBucky or BuckySarah) from the minute Bucky made it a point to let Sarah know that he was there, and he saw her. And she saw him, right back.

That having been said, if I’d known, when I was a kid, that I could make up my own stories about characters I liked, there is one ship that I would have filled my PeeChee notebooks with: Lt. Nyota Uhura & Spock. Yes, long before JJ Abrams made them a thing, I, in my tweeny brain, felt like something was possible there with those two. Nurse Chapel be damned.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

I don’t have one of those. I have a couple of Finished For Now stories that I have plans to revisit and continue, though. They’re not WIPs though. Plus, I’d never not finish a story.

16. What are your writing strengths.

Beats me. Someone who knows about writing techniques will have to tell me. I have been told that when reading my stories, a reader can see where they are and what’s happening.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I overthink and I think I get in the weeds when I write. I’m hyper critical, so I find fault with everything I write. Someone else will have to tell me what my weaknesses are in my writing. I know what they are in my process.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic.

(See #12j I’m not afraid of it.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

The only fandom I’ve written for: The Falcon and the Winter Soldier.

That having been said, I may have inadvertently written a drabble/ficlet/thing as an answer to a question that was posed in a Firefly forum on Ravelry (a multi-use community website for knitters and crocheters) probably 20 years ago. People enjoyed it and one commenter said I should write fan fiction, which, at the time, I thought was ridiculous. If I can find it, I may post it on AO3 for shiggles, though the show is long gone. (I know that there are still Browncoats around.)

20. Favorite fic you’ve written.

This is a really hard question because I find fault with every thing I’ve written. Every single thing. And my answer can change sometimes a couple of times during the span of a day!

I’d rather people tell me their favourite, and why, (Soft suggestion: Please feel free!!) but if I had to pick one today right now:

One Quarter of a Year / Welcome Home

I consider these two a single story that has yet to be joined on AO3.

* * * * * * * * * * *

Whew.

I am soft tagging @khululekile , @philtstone , @btwxsixesandsevens , @spinachgarden, @sarifinasnightmare and anyone who wants to jump in and play. Come on in! (If you’ve already been tagged, apologies! )

#asks answered #asks

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bumblebeerror · 2 years

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I posted 3,837 times in 2021

403 posts created (11%)

3434 posts reblogged (89%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 8.5 posts.

I added 91 tags in 2021

#up and adam - 19 posts

#youtube - 18 posts

#minecraft - 12 posts

#watch later - 11 posts

#adhd - 7 posts

#actuallyadhd - 6 posts

#dream smp - 6 posts

#gender envy???? - 5 posts

#rowan rambles - 4 posts

#among us - 3 posts

Longest Tag: 137 characters

#i love these people and i can’t seem to ever have them both and it fucking kills me to where i’m not sure i’m worth having either of them

My Top Posts in 2021

When did everyone decide that we all had to talk in the tags only lest we be seen as annoying for reblogging to say our piece?

Fuck you mate people say dumb shit on my posts constantly and you don’t see me telling them I’d rather have to read their dumb shit in the tags instead!

I’ll say dumb shit with my chest, I think I’m hilarious and I’ll be reblogging your post with my comments because I don’t know how not to be annoying and have no interest in finding out

201 notes • Posted 2021-09-16 05:39:44 GMT

Do you guys ever remember how scary rabies is and lay there horrified for a minute imagining it becoming airborne?

208 notes • Posted 2021-11-02 07:30:09 GMT

Why does at least one person on any post of mine that gets mildly popular always have to tag it “q-slur” or some shit?

Darling, honey, baby, starshine; I’m queer, queer is in my url, the post probably has the word queer in it, and all of it is talking about me! It’s not a slur when I assign it to myself or to the queer community, a community of people who call themselves queer!

Please stop tagging my posts that way! It’s fuckin insulting and I cannot follow your logic!

If you do not like Queer you should leave because I’m not gay as in happy, I’m queer as in fuck you!

371 notes • Posted 2021-08-23 06:25:00 GMT

Something an Ex-friend said to me once has been bothering me lately.

“I don’t mean that Non-binary isn’t real; I’ve just never had someone tell me that and then stay Non-binary. They always end up picking one.”

It bothered me then because the expectation that I’d essentially grow out of it was grating anyway.

But a few years later and a lot more coming out? It just makes me sad, because I think I know why all of this person’s non-binary friends stopped identifying as non-binary.

It’s.. exhausting. To be out as non-binary. It’s difficult to pass, and whether you’re accepted depends entirely on people knowing what non-binary is or being willing to use your pronouns (if they’re not he or she). You can’t pass. You have to come out to every single person you meet if you want to be called by your pronouns. You can’t just look like a girl and get called “she” because people assume; because they’ll never assume non-binary.

Those people probably didn’t stop being non-binary. They just stopped being able to handle the constant cycle of coming out and rejection and struggling to present well.

They didn’t stop being non-binary. They just got tired. And I understand that so intimately now.

597 notes • Posted 2021-03-10 20:45:43 GMT

My very unpopular opinion apparently:

Straight cis perisex able-bodied neurotypical people using aids designed for disabled people (I.e weighted blankets, grabby claw, sock holder, etc), going to therapists occasionally to keep up their mental health, using fidget toys, choosing to call their bf/gf their partner, using pronouns besides the ones associated with their gender just because they like it, and doing a million other small things that make us fitting in and being accepted a little bit easier is in fact exactly the type of support these communities need, and will ultimately help us so much more than gatekeeping ever fuckin will

40158 notes • Posted 2021-08-17 06:38:42 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

#my 2021 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

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rollingthunderpouringrain · 2 years

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Thanks Kritty you’re the coolest. Really long response incoming, I’ll break it up into a couple of asks so you can copy/paste and hide it under a cut if you need. Anyway it WAS a serious ask, but I also need to make everything I say a joke. Even my therapist once told me it was a problem.

(Follow up for this)

Hi anon! 🌻👋 I get that 🙈 I'm glad you saw my answer, and thank you for your other ask!

Lenghy, rambly and prolly typo-y thoughts in regards to your other ask under the cut!

Yes, I know what you mean and thanks for clarifying!

As for the judging (also, thx for clarifying!), I get that, actually - especially with takes on characters and fandom shipping stuff, it can all get kinda messy and of course an inner first reaction can be a form of judgement when someone else sees your favorite character in a totally different light than you do. Though, for me personally that feeling I get when I see a take I can't get behind (or shipping stuff that is a bit too intense/taken seriously and detached from "reality" or canon or whatever for my personal liking) is not exactly cringe, it's some kind different feeling I can't put into words rn. But maybe that's semantics, idk.

I think we all need to touch some grass sometimes, some are more Online than others but fandom tumblr people are fandom tumblr people so there is that. I totally understand the fear of being judged but that's probably something we all have, so it's important to create/find safe spaces (and/or be really obvious about it in the tags lol. I talk about being cringe and embarrassed for thirsting after celebs in my tags all the time because people i know in real life follow me and I feel very cringe - even though I don't believe in cringe culture so...). I also find it very important to imagine why people are maybe doing those things (needing a hyperfixation more than usual, defending a ship very intensely, spiralling more into fictional worlds). There can be legit reasons for that I gather.

That is totally correct! You cannot control your thoughts and oftentimes they're even wrong and not what you really feel. I have intrusive thoughts often so that's a topic that's important to me.

I love that you wrote Y/N fic and I really like the fact that you still have those on your blog! You should be proud, you were being creative and you had fun - so even if you find it cringey now it's nothing bad. I love seeing people write and reblog those, even though I couldn't ever do it. (Though, never say never amirite?! XD)

Oof the thing with the offline friends 🙈 I understand... that "disconnect" can be tricky.

I don't think my RL version is much like my online self, but maybe it totally is, it's hard to say. With some people I talk like on here, and with some people I don't want them to ever find this blog but have accidentally used tumblr-isms and felt very embarrassed. But I generally not wanna Call myself cringey, to train myself, so to speak xD What I do struggle with is being what some people consider cringey in the tags of a post about my fictional faves or especially celebrities in regards to people from my real life. I don't care about being ~cringey in fandom cos - as we established - we're all cringey so noone is. But my rl friends have responsibilities, I know they pay taxes and are Adulting out there while I'm yelling about famous strangers being pretty on here xD --- nevermind tho, that those RL people are also on here, some of them also yelling in their tags, so, idk, brain 😑😂 So it again comes back to "If everyone is cringe no one is", as you put it greatly! And I firmly believe that we all are cringe at various points in ihr lives, outside of fandom too, and that's ok ♡

(Reading too much into things is sooo much fun! I personally need reality/canon checks from time to time because honestly, fandom can feel "gaslight"y - using that word for the lack of a better word here - but I love reading too much into things lol)

I'm glad my answer made you feel better and if you wanna chat more you can always message me if you want, also via dm, I wont judge or anything :) Or send another anon ask, that's ok too. Or don't, how u like XD

Have a great rest of the weekend/good day and stay safe :)

#anon #asks #cringe culture

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iampikachuhearmeroar · 3 years

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sometime in this last week, or this week coming, my blog has turned/turns 10. god. a decade old. a whole ass chunk of my life i’ve spent on this hellsite. when i began on here, i was a kid. a lost, lonely, depressed and anxious 15/16 year old kid. a kid scared of her future. a kid confused about her future. what to do for uni. to change schools or not??? to do drama/acting at uni or english/philosophy or to move 8hrs away to another regional uni to “escape” her “washed up, dead end hometown” that was so typical of all the pop-punk music that she was listening to at the time.

she was a tad overdramatic, loud, “funny” (as described by her school friends) and terribly forgetful in regards to homework and school assignments. she was angry at the world, most especially the catholic school she was fucking sick and tired of attending. but she was convinced that since she was the so-called “funny girl”, that she simply couldn’t be depressed or anxious. she believed herself unloveable because she didn’t look like a weird mixture of hayley williams and emo-pop queen lights. but now, i no longer believe that i have to look like the women that i looked up to in the ~emo scene~. fuck beauty standards. i am loveable.

in the years since joining tumblr, i’ve managed to get through business college, my undergrad degree and, well, failed out of postgrad due to obvious burnout and health issues amongst other things. although i’ve lost many friends irl and many followers/mutuals online on here. for those who’ve stuck around to see me get through all of this, thank you. to all the friends/casual mutuals that have since deactivated or only followed me for a short time then unfollowed; thank you.

like obviously i was never/have never been a massive popular blog on here, like thebootydiaries or vampireapologist (who has since deactivated a couple of months ago) with tens of thousands of followers. my follower count is still close to the 8,000 range at 7,892. obviously that’s still a lot of people (and of course, porn bots lmao and many, many non-active blogs), enough like one super old post from like 2012 tumblr pointed out, enough for a small to medium sized city or town, or something like that. i don’t know how many people i’ve really reached. i really don’t know how i actually amassed this small army of people.

i am aware though, that on other platforms like snapchat (lmao does anyone even use it anymore in 2021???)/instagram/youtube/tiktok etc, i’d PROBABLY be considered as some type of ~micro influencer (🤮🤮)~. hell, i actually had a bot slide into my notes about being one on here on this hellsite back in 2019. i don’t know if i’ve ever actually ~influenced~ anyone on here with my shitposts (when i started making some) or my personal posts. i don’t know my reach. even though, now, i do occasionally get featured on buzzfeed listicles (although pay me buzzfeed along with the OPs of those original embedded posts), i still don’t know how many people i’ve reached… and even with my very occasional checks of google analytics lmao. on top of this, grappling with the loss of followers at times is much, much easier than it was when i began on here and the first few years following that. i know that my follower count doesn’t determine my worth and stuff.

but over these 10 years, i have grown. i turn 26 this year. back in 2011, 15/16yo me never thought she’d be here. she was partially down the suicidal thoughts hole, with things about ~picturing her funeral and wondering who’d bother to turn up. if only she could pretend to be dead for a day to see who’d give a fuck~ and 16-18yo me was defs down it with her HSC hellscape thoughts in 2012/2013. that 3rd floor tafe/tech women’s bathroom window drop and the thought of scarring her class for life (and that cool dude from catholic school that she crushed on who ended up at tafe with her) with jumping out of it onto the concrete below. instead, she just posted on fb about ~being a failure~ etc which ultimately did lose her a bunch of facebook friends lmao. it was practically the same thing. her mental breakdown after the end of her hsc, where she let her earrings go green and get infected in her ears because “fuck self care, bc what the fuck is it??? i’ll never get better! let me fucking wallow in my self loathing bc it’s the only thing that i’m fucking good at!!!” so i no longer have my ears pierced. oh! it was just all too fucking much!!

i am happier today. i no longer have those semi-suicidal thoughts. hell, i almost died in 2020 from a fucking bowel aneurysm, after my stomach tumour excision surgery. that forced me to put things into perspective. i appreciate the little things . i appreciate the very few friends that i actually have. yes. i’m still depressed and anxious. some days are still shitty and hard. but nowhere as hard and shitty as they were back when i began on here 10 years ago.

how the fuck last 10 years have gone past, with my ass on here; clearing out my blog and caring more about doing that than my uni work (lmao whoops); having made some lifelong friends both internationally (from the US) and long distance domestically in australia, it’s been a long ride; i honestly have no fucking idea. obviously over these past 10 years, i’ve debated with myself over and over and over again whether i should delete/deactivate this account or not. would it make me healthier??? more than likely. but then when i have meltdowns or just inner ramblings i have to get out somewhere, where else to post??? on fb?? obvs not. it’s “attention seeking” or the like on there. no one will read them. no one will resonate. but on here??? even if i got/get one “like” in the notes or one “yo i feel this” response in the tags or replies, it feels like i’ve reached someone??? okay yeah. i know this place IS NOT therapy and i’m not using my followers as amateur (or probs even actual professional) armchair psychologists…. which is a thing i think people need to stop doing internet-wide: but that’s a whole other post that i reblogged a few days ago lmao. i really need to get another therapist, actually lmao.

but it’s the community i’ve found hard to leave. i have what feel like friends, when i’ve never been employed (still as of yet); and when all of my irl friends/acquaintances are working and doing the whole ~adulting~ and ~grown up life~ thing right. it’s also the frenzied rabidness of spite with hating staff’s godawful ideas. the memes. oh the memes. and also the RaWrInG 20s XD emo scene reemergence on here that’s kept me here. the messy petty drama from time to time of big blogs fighting it out.

this place really is bizarre and fun sometimes. and also the fact that i can still hide behind the ridiculous “roaring pikachu” URL that i made all those years ago. i am anonymous. it’s freeing. but on fb it’s all like “WHY WONT YOU ADD A BANNER IMAGE AND TELL US 20 FUN FACTS ABOUT YOU!!!!!???? LET PEOPLE WHO HAVENT SPOKEN TO YOU IN 10 YEARS KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU BECAUSE WE’RE ALL FRIENDS HERE!!!” and the same goes for Corporate Hellscape Facebook™️ (linkedin) but in the professional sense instead. y’all know fuck all about me really. besides my posts. and i love that and live for that. okay yeah. y’all know more about my mental health than my fb feed obvs… which is probably a terribly unfortunate thing. but still.

over the last 10 years then, my superiority complex for being ~so original and intelligent~ or whatever the fuck i had in high school, has all but ebbed away. i’m not that smart just because i went to uni. hell, i literally did NONE of my in-class work and none of my philosophy readings in uni….. so i have fuck all idea of how i got through undergrad like that lmao. i’m not original when so many people can articulate the same thoughts that i have, but like, sometimes better, on a post (even though sometimes/most of the time the Tumblr User Hot Takes Tuesday™️ takes on here are fucking awful lmao). but still. originality is not something i really have anymore. or really had in the first place lmao.

so will i deactivate after these 10 years, like i’ve been saying for so, so long??? i honestly have no idea. but just know. thanks guise. have a nice gpoy selfie day XD. grab your wands. your tardises. grab your war paint. grab your whatever the fuck other fandom specific stuff that was one that hella cringe post from 2011 til 2015 random tumblr. that relic is as old as time itself. just as this mysterious roaring pikachu is for someone whose too loyal to leave this W E B B E D H E L L S I T E that’s just as much of a train wreck as she is. lmao.

#life #about me #shut up ilona #tumblr is legit my fucking life now #motivate me to deactivate this blog to leave the hellsite forever 2021 #trigger warning: suicide mention #tw: suicide mention

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theonetheycallhannah · 4 years

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The Treatment of Captain Syverson-Chapter 10: Myofascial Release

Characters: Captain Syverson x OFC (Shane Benton)

Summary: Shane and Sy decompress after an emotional evening, Shane finds it difficult to get out of her own head and live in the moment, but Sy knows exactly how to help her, and not to be a complete hoe and spoil things, but…things get steamier than ever between our favorite therapist and patient duo.

Oh snap! You’re behind! Get on track here!

Word Count: 3.4k

Warnings: Language, mature themes, alcohol consumption, the smut you’ve all been waiting for so patiently! (I hope it lives up to your undoubtedly high expectations!)

Author’s Note: Oh gosh, y’all, I am so nervous to post this. Somehow it doesn’t feel like my smuttiest smut. And like, all previous chapters have been kind of leading up to this moment. The good news is, I’ve decided to continue writing this story after the sex. I’ve got some ideas about where to go from here, and I want to keep it going. Plus, it feels wrong to write all of this and then just drop them without a big picture resolution. They’re gonna go through some shit, though. You have been warned.

Disclaimer: Unfortunately for me, Henry is not mine, le sigh, and all mention of him, his characters, any characters from his films, or his precious doggy, Kal, are strictly for transformative and recreational use. I neither ask for, nor accept payment for the work I post on Tumblr or AO3. Unbeta’d because this is for fun and escapism.

Tags:

@onlyhenrys

@cavillryarchive

@summersong69

@titty-teetee

@bloodyinspiredfuck

@agniavateira

@oddsnendsfanfics

@omgkatinka

@thisismysecretthirstblog

@misslaland

@speakerforthedead0

@tumblnewby

@suavechops

@radkesgirl83

Hope I’m not forgetting anyone! If you want to be notified when I post a new chapter or work, I’ll be happy to add you to my tag list! Stricken blogs are getting personal messages from me when a new chapter is uploaded because Tumblr’s faulty tagging system will not stand in the way of me delivering what the people want!(?) lol! (Although…their lackadaisical notification system might…sorry for that. I have no control. lol!)

X@X@X@X@X@X@X@X@X@X@X@

Her living room was cast in the low light of the floor lamp she had left on. Intending to come home after dark. Alone. She hated walking into a dark house by herself.

Well, tonight, she wasn’t alone. And although Sy had been to her house before, this was different. They were officially a couple, and they were no longer waiting to express, to the fullest extent, their true affection for one another.

Ever the hostess, despite her nervous tension, Shane asked Sy if he wanted anything to drink, rambling off several options somewhat awkwardly.

“I’m fine, darlin.’” He assured her, stopping her at some point in the rant, before she was completely done. “Do you need something?”

“Umm, I think I should have a glass of wine.” Her eyes darted to the kitchen across her serve-through counter space and landed on her fridge. “I’m…I’m really nervous.”

"Why don't we watch a little TV for a while? You get you some wine, and I'll put somethin' on. What are we watchin', sunshine?"

"Ummmm, something light? Funny? Something I've seen." She wouldn't be able to process anything new or heavy right now.

"I'm on it." he kissed the top of her head and left her side for the sofa, where he plopped himself down like a comfy hound dog, and picked up the remote to her Smart TV.

She smiled as she busied herself in the kitchen. She decided she wanted a snack with her wine. She got a plate of cheese and crackers together first. Then she remembered she had some venison sausage one of her coworkers had brought in, and put that on the plate, too. She got out a chilled bottle of her favorite, cheap moscato and a stemless glass. She couldn't go in there without something for Sy, so she also got a glass of ice water ready for him. She put the whole spread on her big serving tray and took it to the living room.

Sy was already halfway through the first episode of Parks and Recreation.

"I saw this in your 'Watch it again' group, and thought maybe you'd like to re-watch it. I've heard you talk about it a lot, and I've never seen it." He didn't complain at her for taking forever. He just lit up when he saw her. Like it was the first time. And not the hundredth.

"That's perfect, babe. I brought some snacks out, too. Some cheese and crackers, and this really good sausage one of my coworkers brought me. You like deer?" she asked.

"One of my favorite pet names." he teased. "I do, though, yes."

They ate, and laughed, and watched about four or five episodes, it was hard to keep track. But after approximately half the bottle, Shane had summoned some courage. She started playing at the texture of Sy's jeans, running a fingernail across the coarse fabric.

"Hang on, love bug. I want to know somethin.'" she looked up at him, mildly confused. "I'm trying to think of a reason you need to get tipsy to sleep with me that I shouldn't take personally." he rubbed her upper arm, comforting her as no one had done since she was a small child. At least not that she could remember.

"No, Sy. It's not like that. You aren't the problem at all!" she paused. He let her gather her thoughts. She appreciated that he knew she intended to continue and that he didn't rush her to do it. He was patient. And kind. And all of that should have made this whole night easier. But somehow it didn’t.

“I’m the problem." She confessed after a long pause and a deep sigh. "I mean, I’m in my head about it all, I know. But it’s been…almost six years since I’ve slept with anyone, five and a half, at least, and I can’t seem to wrap my head around it now that I know it’s going to happen again.”

He pulled her body into his, squeezing her tightly for one of his soul cleansing hugs.

“Sunshine. Everything will come back to ya. We’ll just go as slow as ya want. I got all night.”

“Okay. Well, I guess, since I’m a bit sleepy from the wine, we should head to bed.”

Sy affirmed the idea, and made to help her put their snacks away in the kitchen.

She got out containers for their leftover food while Sy stoppered the wine, put it in the fridge, and washed their glasses.

She felt his warmth before she felt his touch. He stood behind her, radiating his particular brand of heat for a moment, and taking in the scent of her hair near her right ear. She heard a low rumble from someplace deep in him which slowed her efforts at the counter. His hands were light but very much present on her hips. A whisper against the fabric of the casual but feminine floral dress she’d chosen for the night. But she felt it like the weight of her favorite old blanket, heavy with years and warm comfort.

He kissed her temple, chaste and unassuming. But still full of desperation. She could tell that he was ready. Even without the alignment of their bodies completely giving him away.

“Don’tcha think this stuff can wait a couple hours, darlin'?"

His baritone, breathless in her ear, was soothing her back into the mindset of being with him. His feather touch still lingering at her hips and waist. She thought back to those seminars she'd gone to on manual therapy where the speaker talked in depth about the fascial tissues running all across the various muscles in the human body and how trauma to one part could cause tension in another like a snag in a sweater and how he taught the participants techniques to undo that trauma through myofascial release. Sy was slowly managing to unwind and unbind the taut fibers of her heart and relieve that pain that Elliott, in particular had set into place so firmly when he'd hurt her. Lied to her. Cheated on her. Gaslit her. Made her feel like she'd never be loved if she left him. Made her question the very idea of what love meant. Because if what they'd had was truly love, she didn't want it. Wanted no part of the games or the abuse or the manipulation.

Without fully realizing it, during this time of reflection and healing, Shane had given up the task at her hands and turned to Sy, open to his treatment, as he'd always been so open to hers…or mostly. And she let him kiss her, reciprocating. And hold her, returning his enveloping embrace. She even let him pick her up, wrapping her legs around his waist, resting them on his…all too well-defined bilateral gluteus maximus that she'd had to pretend to ignore for weeks. In the therapist side of her brain, alarm bells were going off. "His knee isn't fully healed! You're gonna undo all of the work you've both done so far! He's gonna hurt himself carrying you around!" but she ignored them and trusted him as he walked to her room.

Shane wanted to say that her bedroom was one of splendor. Immaculately made bed, and overall, the picture of tidiness. The reality was much, MUCH different. Glasses half full of water were everywhere (she may be forgetful, but at least she was optimistic), at least one coffee mug sat on the nightstand from the previous weekend when she took a morning cup of tea in bed with her George Harrison biography. Laundry overflowed from a sorting hamper in the corner, and her bed sat, unmade, littered with crumpled pillows, sheets, blankets, and the pajamas she'd slept in last night. She wasn't the kind of person to make her bed for reasons other than having company over, like the fancy company you had to give a tour of your whole house. She'd tried to be that person numerous times, but it never seemed to stick.

Tonight, though, the guilt that came with sub-par housekeeping skills wasn't plaguing her. Right now, all she felt was the weightlessness of being with Sy, wrapped in him, kissing him, and fully ready for what was about to happen between them, as he fell with her onto her bed. Their heads clunked together awkwardly, invoking a mutual wince, followed by bouts of laughter and playful kisses.

He hovered over her a moment, just taking her in. His fingers ghosting her forehead and cheeks to clear it of the whisps of hair obscuring her face. He seemed to examine her in methodical quadrants. Learning the curves and colors and every wrinkle, freckle, and pore. She was still fully clothed, but she'd never felt so bare and vulnerable.

He left her eyes for last. His gaze drowning her delightfully. Random song lyrics came to mind, "the serenity of a clear blue mountain lake" and she thought yes. That is the precise aesthetic of this man's stare. His expression was inscrutable. She wanted to say he looked happy and content, but she didn't want to presume.

He began tracing the floral pattern on her dress with his fingers, and said, "I really like this dress on you."

She laughed, "Oh, that's the beginning of the oldest line in the book. You know you've already got me in bed, right?"

"No, I…" he chuckled, embarrased. "I mean it sincerely. Seeing you in flowers like this…makes me think they bloom right from ya."

She propped herself up on her elbows, dumbstruck by this uncharacteristically poetic side of him she'd just been shown. She stroked the side of his face.

"The man who came up with the original pickup line is rolling over in his grave attempting to kick himself for not thinking of something so beautiful."

"Yeah?"

"HELL yeah. He would have gotten WAY more lucky with a statement like that."

"You're probably right." he said, pulling her up to hold her in his arms.

"If for no other reason that it would have landed him a higher caliber woman than the floozies that he probably got."

He moaned his ascent against her neck, and continued, "Which would have meant a lot more getting lucky down the road, right?"

"Traditionally speaking, I'd say yes." she laughed, her fingers in his hair, which was barely long enough for the action.

"Okay, I know I said I liked the dress, but…" he tugged at the hemline tucked just under her hips and pulled it off her willing body.

"About time, cowboy!" she smiled, breathless.

He continued kissing her as he unhooked her strapless bra and tossed it aside, into the abyss, where the dress had gone. She was so dizzy from him that she barely noticed he was laying her down until her warm back hit cool sheets. She could feel his touch everywhere at once, despite the fact that he was really only making two or three points of contact.

Shane trembled as Sy peppered her soft body with kisses. She couldn't recall shivering like this before, especially when there was nothing but warmth, even heat, around her. His beard grazing her hips and thighs was sending tremors through her unlike anything she'd ever felt. She was a goner, and he hadn't even truly begun.

His breath against her skin was like lightning in the clouds. A storm began forming within, and all around them from his work on her…and eventually in her. He took the time to remove both of the shirts he was wearing--plaid cotton blend and thick white jersey. She reached out to run her fingertips over his chest, covered in a manly stand of thick, dark hair. It ran over his pecs and down his abdomen…farther, she knew, than was exposed right now.

She wanted to touch him. To return the favor. To stir in him the same tempest he'd stirred in her. She unbuckled his belt and unbuttoned and unzipped his jeans. She was a little surprised he wasn't resisting her, but pleased, all the same. She took the heavy weight of him out in some shock…she'd caught outlines and silhouettes often since they'd been together, but he hadn't let her go this far yet. It had made her feel a little slutty at the time, but now, she understood. He was…protecting her, in a way. She handled him curiously, gently, as he'd been with her. Her apprehension, however, grew with him.

"Sy, you're…I…" she wasn't sure what to say. But she had concerns about being rent in two by him.

"I think I remember tellin' ya you wouldn't be laughin,' sunshine." he grinned at her, breathless as she stroked him.

"You were right. But don't get too used to me saying so." she smirked back at him.

He pulled away from her, reluctantly, but eager to get back to tasting her.

She couldn't comprehend what he was doing. But it felt incredible. No one she'd ever been with had made her feel like this. Like her blood was effervescent and her body was aglow like embers. His reaction to her was as much a part of the pleasure as his ministrations themselves. She could tell he was enjoying himself which fed her desire.

She felt a tension coiling inside her, something similar to climaxes past but she could tell, much more intense. What was different? Other than Sy, she didn't know. But it was working. She moaned and writhed into him.

"Yeah, sugar. Let that out. I wanna hear it." he quickened, driving her mad and sending her spinning into her bliss, incomprehensible words and sounds escaping her, growls of satisfaction escaping him, but he didn't stop.

She felt his fingers working inside her to pull another climax from deep within her. This was new for her, as well. Not only was he putting her first, but he was making her a priority in double measure before taking anything for himself. As that pressure built in her again, she felt his gaze on her, hungry and adoring, and she heard his grunts of exertion and she thought, lust. She wasn't sure how many of his digits he'd managed to slide into her, but it felt splendid, and she wanted more. She gripped his arms to convey this desire, words caught in her throat. He dove headlong back down to her, adding his mouth to the onslaught of his hand, and before she could get out more than a "Fuuuu" she was falling apart again, her body spasming and writhing beneath his utter oral perfection. Eventually, she finished the word when she ran out of air and had to take in a large gasp on the "uck."

She watched him kiss around her thighs and hips, in awe of him in his entirety.

Breathless, she asked, "Why are you so good to me, Sy?"

"Well, a wise woman once told me, 'good go to heaven.'" he looked coyly up at her. "I think I'm there, sunshine."

"Ya know, you're the best patient I've ever had." she smiled.

"Well, I should hope so." he boasted as he kissed at her breasts, nipping at the taut, dark bud in the center. She gasped. He let go and continued his ascent.

He had a point. Who could have qualified as a "better" patient than him when he'd given her so much? Even more than what they were doing tonight. His kindness. The love he had always shown her, even when she wasn't ready to see it. His strength, but also his vulnerability that she seemed to be the only one ever to see. Combine that with the fact that his mind was basically a steel trap for her every word and it would have made him more than perfect enough for her.

But as he broke away from her kiss to take off his jeans, she marveled at the shape and size of his whole body. Those thick, strong arms, the broad, defined torso, the massive, powerful legs of an avid runner, and a face that God Himself would probably be jealous of, if He was capable of the feeling. This gorgeous exterior that Michelangelo would have killed to sculpt, combined with all of his other amazing qualities, and he was almost too perfect.

He cuddled up next to her, reached up, and caressed her face, still flush with pleasure.

"I could look at this face, and nothin' else for…damn… hours. Maybe days."

She blushed and cast her eyes down, and half whispered, "The feeling is mutual."

"Then why're you lookin' away, darlin'?" he tilted her chin up. "That shy business is cute and all, but you don't have to hide from me, sweetheart."

"Again, it's not you, it's me." she chuckled, nervously.

"You wanna call it a night, for now?" he asked without a hint of disappointment in his voice.

"You're kidding, right?" she raised her eyebrows. "You did all that work getting me ready for you, and I won't let that be a wasted effort." she pulled him to her and into a deep kiss, rolling onto her back and bringing him with her.

"Oh, sugar, that wasn't no wasted effort. That was time well spent. No matter what." he said in short bursts when he could pull away from her lips.

He lifted himself up and over her, kneeling between her legs, already open for him. She thought he should know how ready she was. Thought it should be painfully obvious. But he asked anyway.

"You ready, sunshine?" he asked, as he opened the condom and rolled it on…damn he was slick! She hadn't even noticed him get it from wherever he'd had it. She presumed his jeans pocket, which would explain much. She had been very distracted by his naked perfection.

"Yes. Please." she had been struck with an urgency as they stood here on the verge of everything.

He sunk slowly into her, the contentment of coming home spread over his face, the bliss of being whole spreading over hers. No, she thought. She was more than whole. She'd always felt mostly whole during sex. Sy made her feel as though she was overflowing with herself. And not just because she was overflowing with him. The way he moved in her, over her, with her, it was like he was afraid she'd turn to vapor around him before he could finish. Like she was nothing more substantial than a bubble full of smoke, and he thought she may burst and disappear. Although, you couldn't tell from the tight grip he kept on her. A bruising grip that she thought might have had a chance of popping a football. She didn't care. She wanted him to touch and hold her like this until they had no more to give each other.

As they built toward their mutual undoing, the world and everything in it faded away. There was no personal drama or injury. Nothing but the euphoria of this newfound oneness. The caresses and thrusts and groans of pleasure were the only things that mattered. Each other, and what they found therein.

“Shane.” He whispered to her, his pinnacle nigh.

“Sy!” She whimpered, that familiar tension approaching its apex.

He kissed her, as if he meant to permanently emboss her onto the bedding and onto his lips. She reeled as she came undone, little sparks of light obscuring her vision for a fraction of a second. He followed her closely, breathless and spent.

He laid down beside her, as close to her as possible, and began drawing mindless circular patterns on her stomach and around her breasts.

“Wow.” She said, almost under her breath.

“How ya feelin,’ sunshine?”

“Mmm, boneless. Dazed. Half wishing we’d done that weeks ago. I didn’t have a clue what I was missing.”

“Oh, I think you had an idea.” He said as he neatly doffed and disposed of the prophylactic in the waste can by her bed.

“Okay, a bit.” She chuckled. “It’s not like you can hide that…thing.”

“And I don’t try to, darlin’!” He kissed her forehead “Well, I don’t hide it just anywhere, put it that way.” He smirked at his dirty joke and she swatted him for it.

“You’re bad!”

“And you love it.”

She couldn’t argue. She loved his badness and his goodness and everything in between.

Up Next: Chapter Eleven- Discharge Plan

#netflix #netflix sand castle #sand castle #henry cavill #henry cavill fanfic #henry cavill smut #henry cavill x ofc #captain syverson #captain syverson fanfic #captain syverson x ofc #sigh for sy #syverson smut #Smut

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aelaer · 3 years

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Fic Update + Health Rambling Super Combo Post

I sort of forgot to update tumblr with my chapter last week for BIYV. You can find it here if you rely on my tumblr for updates and haven’t liked, bookmarked it or subscribed for updates I guess.

I sort of combine my current writing progress with my struggles that I’ve experienced on and off since joining the Marvel fandom so the rest is under a cut. I’ve been having conflicting emotions about BIYV. Not everyone wants to read that (or therapist ramblings) so yeah, snip snip.

This is gonna sound dumb, and I know it’s dumb, but I have mixed feelings about the success of BIYV. It’s nowhere near as successful as the writers that get the most praise in the fandom (whether the writing quality is actually good or not), but the amount of hits that I have on that fic is the 4th most hits of all my works, and it’s only been out for less than 3 months. Compared to some of my older works with content I think is much better.

And I’m not an idiot: I know a large reason for its success compared to my other work is because I put it in the ironstrange relationship tag.

It’s 4th most in kudos, 2nd most in subs, and the first in comment threads, too.

And part of me is sort of bitter about it. That my work is only worth reading because I put the tag ironstrange on it? That the rest isn’t worth the time? That there’s such a low interest in a large part of the fandom that claims to really like Stephen, but oh, only if he’s in a relationship with Tony. If you write anything else with Stephen, you’re not worth our time.

And it feels like that’s about 90% of the community. And it hurts. I feel worthless and unwanted because I’m not producing what the majority of the community wants. The fact that the biggest Stephen fans don’t look for gen content either just makes me feel more worthless and unwanted. My content’s not worth the time even for Stephen-centric fans. I feel like I’m just tolerated, like I’m the red-headed stepchild that you just have to endure rather than like.

If the community were more of an even mix I don’t think I’d feel like this, but the bias is so--so obvious. Everyone makes it very clear that searching for gen fic is not worth the effort in chat channels, all the time. That reading gen is way low on their list of priorities. And folks are of course entitled to their interests, that’s the point of fandom.

It just hurts when you’re part of a community and you feel like you’re the only one like you, and your work will never be valued because the majority in the community don’t want it, don’t even try to find it, and when you do mention it, they never give you any feedback, indicating that (as they read all the other fics) that your work was just boring or you’re not worth the time.

And after RPing in a literate RP server where the focus isn’t just romance, but all genres, and I’ve been told in the last 2 weeks how amazing of a writer I am more times than in what is supposed to be my main, writing-based community that I’ve been in for 7 months, it hit me that: the majority of the community based around Stephen DOESN’T think I’m good, because they’re indifferent to the content and don’t read it. Because I don’t write in the right genre. I’m my biggest cheerleader because *everyone else is completely indifferent* in this Discord server, with one sole exception.

And it just makes me feel unwanted, unliked, why are you praising yourself, go back to the hole you crawled out of. It’s something I’ve been working on constantly with my therapist, but the level of indifference in the genre I write with *hardcore Stephen fans* that I’ve experienced this last year has been painful, so painful. They like Stephen, but not my writing because I’m not writing in the right genres.

And that’s why I continue to flip back and forth between removing all my work from AO3, and have been for the last few months. The Stephen fanfiction base, the base *I write for*, is largely uninterested in what I write. Then there’s sudden interest when I write with the tag ironstrange.

I don’t write romance. It just doesn’t interest me as a genre. Tagging all my stuff with Tony with that tag would be disingenuous. I only tagged it as so due to the prompt origin and no other reason.

I get lovely support from those not on Discord, for which I’ll forever be thankful for and is a reason I haven’t just nuked my works. But the longer I’m on this Discord, the longer I feel like I’m a black sheep. This is a constant struggle in communities for me, but this community has been one of the hardest in that the majority interest is a *large* majority, and even the Stephen-centric fans don’t give a rat’s ass about a fic if the fic doesn’t have a romantic pairing.

It makes me want to disappear sometimes.

Part of therapy is working beyond getting community validation through numbers. That recognizing the worth I bring beyond my works can be appreciated, and that people might still like me even if what I write isn’t their cup of tea. That’s a lot of what I’ve been working through.

But as someone who prides myself for my writing, my writing being ignored in a community that has *writing as its main focus* sucks as well.

I’m not sure how I am going to find acceptance in that amongst Stephen Strange fans (whether they also like IronStrange or FrostStrange or whatever), the majority have no interest in my works due to not writing in the genre they like. I don’t know. I’m working on it in therapy. Community acceptance has been my largest struggle. I’m not sure if I’ll ever wholly feel like I’m accepted by it, to be quite honest.

So it’s just days like this, where these thoughts hits me like a sack of bricks and that delete button looks *so* tempting-- that I write posts like this to just get all my thoughts in order, to normalize the struggle of fitting in, and to let people know that I am trying to get help for it. And writing it out is one way to make sense of it.

#mental health #fandom #personal

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sixtiesfangirl · 3 years

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earlier this week i was tagged by @hofnerviolinbass & @stevielynnicks to answer these questions! thanks darling flowers!! ⚘⚘

today i felt like giving more elaborate answers, so it got a bit long! sorry & here it goes:

Nickname: môni

Gender: female

Star sign: libra sun, sag moon, aqua rising

Height: 171 cm

Time: 7:52 pm

Birthday: oct 16

Favorite bands/groups: the beatles, pink floyd, the who.

Favorite solo artists: paul mccartney, george harrison, jeff buckley, françoise hardy, john lennon, niall horan, sam smith

Song stuck in my head: darling be home soon by the lovin' spoonful

Last movie: seaspiracy (2021)

Last TV show: this is us (can i just say i loved the last episode? i adore nicky's storyline sm u guys...)

When did I created this blog: july 2012. i had another blog before but abandoned it... when i decided to get back on tumblr, i thought a fresh start would be better!

What do I post: classic rock and other music i enjoy, 60s stuff, photography & classic movies...

Last thing I googled: therapists in my city. since i ended up moving cities during this pandemic & can't do online therapy, i gotta find me a new one

Other blogs: @earlysixties, where all the colorful posts (and more multifandom gifsets) go to! my main blog ended up becoming mostly a b&w one and i'm digging it... so yeah! ~ tho i don't really talk much there. the rambling is basically exclusive to this one

Do I get asks: not that often! but sometimes i do get some lovely asks from some mutuals!

Following/followers: following: 348 ~ it should be a bit less but i just can't let go of the abandoned blogs of dear mutuals that left in like 2015 or smth! followers: 19k ~ idk how or why?? my blog is not really popular & it's been years since i actually posted some content! since most of them arrived around 2014 they're likely bots... there are tons of abandoned blogs as well so...

Average hours of sleep: 6h or 7h on weekdays, 9h+ on weekends

Lucky number: i don't have one!

Instruments: when i was 14 i used to play guitar but abandoned it. somehow i still know how to play many chords and could play simple tunes... so i know how to play it, but don't know yk???

What am I wearing: a vintage yellow polaroid tshirt, grey shorts & black socks with little hamburgers and fries in it

Dream job: i wonder that myself! idk what i'd like to do really & the story is: i graduated in psychology in 2018 & was halfway through a postgrad in clinical psychology (& already being certified to work as a therapist) when.... i finally realised that that's not what i want to do with my life 😂😭 so i was studying to get any job & earlier this month i got a job in my city's transit department (working with the driver's license documentation) to gather a bit of money in the meantime. so!! i still gotta figure out what to do next really! it's a mess

Dream trip: egypt & italy

Favorite food: hmm i'll say it's chocolate cake with coconut filling!

Favorite song: hello it's me by todd rundgren or orange skies by love. i can never go wrong with any of them!

Last book I read: i'm currently reading kitchen by banana yoshimoto ~ i'm really enjoying it, i'm basically underlining everything because it is that good!

Three fictional universes I’d like to live in:

1. it would be lovely to be a clay? figurine from pingu. maybe the seal or that bird that laughs at his face as he flies off after pingu saves him from the lobster (as you can see, i still have every episode engraved in brain)

2. the town from kiki's delivery service

3. there was a cartoon when i was a kid that was called "mike, lu and og", it would be nice to live in their island! i also really like the style of animation of it ~ tho sometimes it seems like it was a delusion of mine bc whenever i mention it to people they never seem to know what the hell i'm talking abt!

well that's it! thanks to whoever read it to the end! 😂

i won't be tagging anyone bc idk who has already answered this one, but hey, you can do this if you feel like regardless!

#i tried to put the questions under the cut but i'm on my phone & don't know how to do this through the app (is it possible??)#idk i can't really recall #anyway! this was fun!#i have yet another one of these to answer so bear with me!#tag games

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willowaudreykeyes · 4 years

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TS Sides Weirdness

I've been in the Sanders Sides fandom for about a month now. I've been reading fanfictions, loving people's art, binge watching Thomas' videos and thinking that it's just a little creepy...

I literally downloaded Tumblr and Twitter to be more involved with this fandom. I've even started writing my own story (that I'm having issues with but that's nothing new).

During this time, I haven't really posted anything myself. So now I will. This is a 21yr old, waiting for Uni to start back up so that she has something to do, rambling to the world.

I'll start with my own opinions and thoughts now.

- Firstly, I am in love with the sympathetic Deceit and Remus works. I love those bois. Yes.

- Unsympathetic Patton works creep me out. They are well written, but it's creepy. I don't like seeing Dad so creepy. I gotta stop clicking on those...

- .... I changed my Discord name to Sneky Snek after Deceit and I have zero regrets.

- I also started calling my younger brother Remus and he has no idea why, and I'm keeping it that way. (He often brings up weird shit that kind of creeps me out).

- Logan is shippable with everyone and it's adorable and I can't NOT read a Logan ship. It will be read. Tag me in all of them. Please.

- Everyone has their own ideas on their sexuality. Some believe that they're all homosexual since Thomas is; fair enough. Others see Deceit as non-binary, or Logan as aromantic, Virgil as transgender, or Patton as a piece of cookery. Personally; I see Virgil as bi, Roman and Remus as 200% gay, Patton as pan with Logan and Deceit both being asexual. That is all.

- 80% (that's a guesstimate) of AUs are of the Sides at school -either high school or college- and it's adorable.

- Why does Virgil have so many panic attacks in fanfictions? I love hurt/comfort fic as much as the next guy; but he IS anxiety. He needs to do all that to Thomas and I don't see how he does it, if he's too anxious about being anxious. I see Roman and Logan having more panic attacks then he would...

- I. Need. Virgil's. Jacket. I can't sow for the life of me and I can't find one online. I have twenty jackets already, most are Marvel related, but I need Virgil's now too. For my jacket collection.

- NEED MORE ROMAN/REMUS BROTHERLY FLUFF! Or angst! Preferably the former! I'm writing it into my story but it's not the same!

- Would Thomas (or another Side) hide the Crofters from Logan when he gets stressed? Or indulge him? Random thought.

- Speaking of Sides! Remy and Emile! Two non-Sides! I love them.

- Headcanon for Remy: He knows anyone's favourite Starbucks flavour after only knowing them for five minutes. He can tell from said flavour, if you're an asshole or not.

- I need a therapist like Emile. I might not have to keep getting new ones if I got one like him! The last three didn't even know who Mr Krabs was! Who doesn't know who Mr Krabs is!?

- I have been telling more puns lately and it is entirely Thomas and Patton's faults.

- I've also been more... loud since I first starting watching. I literally used one of Romans lines on my friends and surprised everyone (including myself).

- I used the word infinitesemal in a sentence (properly) and confused my mother! Best day.

- And I've been using the four second, seven seconds, eight second breathing technique ever since I watched Accepting Anxiety. It helps more then I thought it would!

- I've been learning about the LGBT+ community and have a better understanding of it now. The more you know.

- Surprised myself when I sung the entirety of the Lies song (from A New Year Of Lying To Myself) out in public with my friends. They asked what I just sung and I dragged them into subscribing to Thomas. You're welcome for enriching your lives, friendos.

And that's my weird rant thing. Idk what it was but hopefully it amuses... someone. I need to be more social so I'm going to start TRYING to post to Tumblr. Probably randomly. And to push myself, I'mma use an ending catchphrase based off my character, cause I can.

Welp, have a good day whomever reads this and don't forget your keys.

#Sanders Sides #Rant #TS Sanders #deceit sanders #patton sanders #roman sanders #remus sanders #logan sanders #headcanons #ts sides headcanons #random thoughts #its 1am what am i doing #new fandom #why

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megaderping · 4 years

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Dealing with some anxiety over the past few weeks about some stuff I dealt with growing up that didn’t fully sink in until just now. It is very personal. It is also very heavy. If you decide to read, please keep in mind that this deals with some pretty heavy baggage, including... Trigger Warnings: CSA, Incest, Abuse, Bullying, Ableism, Trauma, Aphobia, Homophobia Because this is a personal rant, I’d rather avoid reblogs. Thank you for understanding.

So. When I was younger, I spent a lot of time with one of my cousins. She was a good 6 - 8 years older than me. At the time, I looked up to her. I thought she was cool and smart. I trusted her. Because I was so young, I didn’t think it weird that she described french kissing to me in great detail. I never told an adult. I was too young to know that this was not okay. This wasn’t even the last time, though. When I was in first grade, she was so eager to show and describe matters related to being a teenage girl and the changes therein. I won’t go into great detail- but the way she demonstrated this... It was definitely hands on. What bothers me is that at the time, it didn’t hit me that THIS wasn’t okay either. I didn’t tell an adult because I didn’t know I was supposed to. That this was sexual abuse. She did some things with me that- it only happened once, but it REALLY, fundamentally bothers me that my longterm reaction to this was... desensitization. Maybe that’s a form of trauma in itself? I dunno. But I was able to move on eventually when she wasn’t in my life anymore. Sometimes I tell myself I shouldn’t hold it against her because she was a teenager at the time with her own issues, but... I dunno. I didn’t talk about this with anyone. I didn’t really think about it, save for once in a blue moon when I was in high school and I was like, “...maybe that was messed up.” But if you asked me at the time, I would’ve said I was okay. But I’m honestly not sure if I was. I was bullied throughout my entire public schooling. People would punch me. They’d call me names. They’d make fun of me for liking cartoons and video games and come up to me with the most ableistic voices demanding I “draw them pokaymanz”. I was the one who had to go to the school councilor for being a problem. They didn’t get in trouble. In high school, I would go out into the pod to try and study and work on assignments because the very same people who had bullied me in grade school would not SHUT UP when we were supposed to be doing assigned reading. They were not punished. Nobody stepped in when I raised concerns- the best I got was permission to distance myself. I remember sitting on the bus one day in high school, minding my own business when these girls in the seat in front of me started making fun of my name. They started making fun of my appearance. The bus driver never stepped in. I got off the bus in tears. And this was hardly the first time. This was a problem from grade school ‘til graduation. 12 - 13 years of this. Sometimes when I’m at work, trying to do my JOB, my mind will go back to something a classmate said, something a classmate DID, and I’ll lose my focus. It’ll bring me to tears even though I SHOULD be over it by now. And this has always happened to me. People talking behind my back. Spreading rumors. Going to OTHERS to deal with their problems with me instead of talking to me because apparently human decency is too much to ask. People would spread rumors that I “pooped on the playground”. They’d say I liked to sneak into the boys’ bathroom. When I was in first grade, someone shoved a leaf up my nose. I still remember that, too. I remember being told by people I considered friends that we couldn’t be friends anymore because they had new friends who didn’t like me. I remember people being cruel. A lack of understanding. It turned me into a wallflower over time because I was scared to make connections and for a time I dealt with it by being cold and abrasive because I didn’t want to hurt anymore. I remember being asked on a school trip, “Were you ever diagnosed with anything?” OUT OF NOWHERE. To this day, I wonder about that... And I don’t know if I should seek diagnosis. I probably should? I definitely need a therapist, that way I can talk this stuff out with a professional instead of rambling on a blog post just to try and calm down from a random anxiety attack. I remember classmates and chaperones resenting the fact that I got left behind on that trip because I didn’t want to jaywalk. So I had to get help from some local cops who set me up with a cab back to the hotel because I was lost and nobody thought to look if I was left behind. People would talk down to me all the time, too. Treat me like a child. And why? Because I liked cartoons? Because I’m asexual and aromantic? GOD. I remember classmates in middle school were SO OFFENDED by my asexuality, too. I recall this one girl being like, “you better get a boyfriend or people might think you’re a ~lesbian~”. ...okay, first of all. What if I was? I mean, I’m pretty sure I’m not- I don’t really feel that kinda attraction to anyone. But. There is NOTHING wrong with being gay, lesbian, bi, pan, trans, NB, etc, etc. THESE PEOPLE EXIST. People who are not straight and/or cis exist. And also, thirteen year olds acting like they NEED to rush into relationships... That’s. Extremely concerning to me. It always was. But I guess I was just... desensitized over time because of how sexualized the climate was during those days. And it wasn’t just at school.

I have a long history of RPing. When I was in middle school, I was basically pressured into RPing a nsfw situation by some castmates. I should have said no, but I was scared to. And I think, ultimately, that also led to me being desensitized. Because that stuff was everywhere. These were RPs with young teenagers AND adults as players and nobody put their foot down and said, “hey, maybe DON’T RP nsfw in a space with minors”. Nobody said LOCK those posts. Tag them nsfw. It was just there. Out in the open. I was fourteen. And I’m not here to say that all NSFW content is inherently bad or that every adult should constantly be monitoring every space. Internet strangers are not babysitters. I get that. But I do think it’s a problem when communities full of young teens AND adults are too lax on the former’s access to 18+ content. Because there’s a difference between someone ignoring age restrictions and warnings and accidentally coming across content or being pressured to participate in such content. Now. Over time, people wised up. Many of these communities DID eventually lock that stuff to 18+. But a lot of open meme and sandbox communities did not. There were posts that’d devolve into smut on a regular basis that weren’t tagged or properly warned. But because I’d been exposed to this kinda stuff for so many years- it didn’t hit me that there was a lack of moderation. I was taught that it just comes with the territory because “this is the internet.” So for a long time, I just... accepted that. “It’s the internet.” Even within the past few years, I held onto that mindset because... it was just. What I was used to. I didn’t like it, but I assumed that was just... how things go and to express otherwise was pointless. I still don’t condone online harassment and I do think people will take properly tagged fandom content way too far (even if I disagree WITH said content)- but this isn’t ABOUT that. Because properly tagged content establishes the boundaries that were so wholly lacking in these spaces. And the fact is, I don’t LIKE that I am/was desensitized. Because the truth is, I didn’t LIKE any of it. I didn’t like the scenario I was coerced into as a young teen through RP. I didn’t like how easy it was to just... stumble upon NSFW content on accident. It’s just... I dunno. I just don’t know, and I hate that I don’t know. I probably shouldn’t let it get to me. It’s just online stuff that happened ten to twelve years ago, right? It’s nowhere near as serious as the actual sexual abuse and the actual bullying... but I think it still affected me. And just like with my cousin before, I didn’t really... talk to anyone about it? It was a very different fandom climate. The early to late 2000′s were very different. And I think just... it bothers me. That it took this long for me to realize that maybe this stuff affected me after all. Like. I’m a CSA survivor and it only JUST now clicked that I am? What’s up with that? Like. I don’t know. I need a therapist. I think I’ve needed one for years given how often I fall victim to invasive thoughts, how often I get too scared to speak my mind, how eager I am to please EVERYONE and thus it is SO hard for me to confront people when I am upset or draw the line. I’m constantly worrying about hurting or upsetting people so sometimes I guess I’m cowardly. Because I guess it’s a coping mechanism I’ve developed? Just... avoiding. Turning a blind eye. That’s probably not okay either. But I think the root of it all really is just from my childhood. How going to adults when I was bullied or abused never seemed to DO anything. So maybe I just developed a worst case scenario mindset. I just don’t know, so that’s why I need some help. So I can just... work this all out. I guess a part of me is just a little scared. And that’s stupid. Why should I be scared of something that can only HELP me? Ranting on tumblr can only do so much. But for now, just getting it off my chest is the best I can do. It’s a start, anyway.

#dorkvents #personal #tw: trauma #tw: csa #tw: homophobia #tw: aphobia #tw: incest #tw: ableism #tw: abuse #tw: bullying #basically i have a lot of baggage #and it only just hit me how much baggage i actually have #if you want me to add TW tags PLEASE let me know #i will absolutely accommodate #i just want to be able to move on but it's really hard to let go

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evilblot · 4 years

Text

Henlo yes I'me bacc from the not-living

Hey everyone, welcome back to the shit show, today I’m gonna give y’all a brief account of what I did during my disappearance but feel free to ignore it if you don’t wanna dwell into my life since I’m gonna make a quick summary before the cut.

TL;DR: I’m gonna quote good ole Schopenhauer here and just say that life really just is a pendulum swinging backward and forward between burnouts and boredom mental illness. BUt now I’m here so let’s just pretend everything is fine and nothing has never happened, so we can all resume our good ole routine :)

Also if you ever tagged me during these trying times, rest assured I’m gonna check it out and eventually reply to each and every single one of yous, and same goes for DMs. If I still don’t reply just tell me, change are tumblr ate it or I’m just preparing something special eheheh. And again, sorry for everything I didn’t mean to make y’all worry but sometimes it just be like dat…

⚠ I had to do the internship again exactly as I had expected.

So, without digging up the quarrel between me and my company tutor because it still boils my blood to think about it, basically my complaint for the treatment received caused me the entire internship, ergo I had to once again work my ass off to find another place to spend another two months of my life on.

Luckily, I eventually found a place where not only did I do what I like but where I found fantastic people who made my new experience wonderful, but what I had to undergo in the previous days was sincerely traumatic and I don’t wish no one ever to be in such a situation.

⚠ For reasons that go beyond the mere academic profile but which I don’t intend to deepen because I don’t feel like it, my mental health is hanging on a thread that is 👌 this much close from breaking.

In a nutshell, between the aggravation of my depression, the degeneration of my anhedonia, the immovable mental block and the appearance of panic attacks as never in life, I legit got the worst burnout I could ever brew in this wretched body of mine.

And to add salt to the wound, I’ve also fallen waaay behind my exam schedule so my plan to graduate in June went to shit. For now at least, since lately I still managed to work and submit a couple projects so the damage is still bad but not irreversible.

⚠ Also I haven’t been drawing since October and I’m dying inside because I can’t even find the strength to do the things I like :)

And it’s not like I have no ideas, for heaven’s sake. In fact I have too many, the problem is that I can’t put them into practice even if my life depended on it.

And it’s the same for everything else.

I know I have to or want to do something, but I just can’t. And it’s frustrating and it hurts and I spend the nights in bed gnawing at my liver knowing that I’m throwing away time but I can’t help it. I’m stuck in limbo and I don’t see the exit.

⚠ Reason why I forced myself to go to therapy.

I started the sessions the second week of January and am continuing them regularly every Thursday.

My therapist is an exquisite person who is genuinely concerned about my situation and is trying to help me as much as possible despite the fact that at each meeting I manage to further disturb her by adding more and more problematic pieces of my person lol

I ain’t saying that we’re making progress, since it’s too early to see any of it, but it’s certainly a beginning and if everything goes in the right direction, eventually I’ll be able to start again and perhaps, someday, even heal… But for now this is enough for me.

Also because if I continued on my own I doubt I could go on like this for much longer :)

⚠ I have a dog and it’s the only good new in this shit list

His name’s Kratos, he’s a 3 y/o Amstaff I adopted from the dog shelter and I’ve only had him for three months now but if anything happened to him I’d kill everyone in this room and then myself.

⚠ Also I got new glasses and they’re fabulous.

I felt the need for change in my life and therefore the smartest thing that came to my mind was to change my iconic glasses. Old black rectangular is out and gold octagonal is in. Now I’m the same as the reference of my self-insert for Pippo Reporter and the hilarious thing is that I didn’t realize it until it caught my eye while I was searching for another file in my Drive lol

○◦━◦○◦━◦○◦━◦○◦━◦○◦━◦○◦━━◦○◦━◦○◦━◦○◦━◦○◦━◦○◦━◦○◦ ○◦━◦○◦ ○◦━◦○◦○

Aaaand that’s it, now I’m better and I’m slowly getting back to being a functional adult, so just forgive my ramblings but y’all’d be used to it by now lmao

#not the best way to start 2020 but it's still better than jot starting at all #and to everyone who has decided to put up with me during these months #...thank you ilysm and I'm sorry i' this way #i'll do better from now on i promise #because you deserve better than this #on a more lighter note watch out for the reblog spam #but a bitch gotta catch up with y'all lmao #inkblot #blot's q

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icewindandboringhorror · 4 years

Photo

Another set of responding to asks lol.. As usual I have them numbered and will also write out the ask in the text, especially since the screencaps are all blurry and taken at various times/compiled together badly and probably hard to read ghghhggh..... answers under the read more ~

-------------------------

1. "Hi I don't mean to bother you at all, but I was wondering where you get your rocking horse shoes? (I think thats what they're called) I've been looking everywhere and I can't seem to find any :(( "

I don’t entirely remember, since I got them like 6 or 7 years ago.. I think maybe at some point that place ‘bodyline’ or something had some cheap ones? But I don’t see them on the site anymore, they were like $50 or $60. Now when I google it I can only find these insane like $600 ones from vivian westwood or whoever, or ones that are platform shoes but not necessarily the same type. Maybe you could find some on aliexpress or ebay or something? Usually you have to use weirdly specific search terms and look for a while, but you can often find stuff like that on those sites. Sorry I couldn’t be of more help!!!

2. "I've been sick for over a month and my doctor tested me - everything came back fine. After some discussion it appears that my ptsd symptoms came back and the stress on my body is making me fatigued, sick and dizzy. I don't want to say that this could be similar to you situation, but if you have a therapist or someone to talk to about any stresses/your sickness, it might help relieve the pressure a bit. Good luck, I'm so sorry you feel so unwell"

Thank you for sharing! Yeah, I think stress definitely plays a part in why I feel sick so often. Currently I’m not still having the same problem I was having a few months ago when you sent this, so that’s good at least!!

3. “Hi! Do you plan to ever have more sculptures for sale? Or would you do commissions? I haven't seen any in a while but wanted to buy one! :-O”

I have plenty that I want to sell, I guess it’s just hard for me to get set up. Since so much of the reason I procrastinate selling stuff is because I hate the stress of deciding on a price, I’ve thought for a while now that maybe I can just auction them (so I just set a base price, but people bid whatever they feel is fair and I don’t have to decide myself). But I’m just not sure of a good way to do that.. Ebay has auctions, but I don’t want random strangers buying them, I’d rather stick to just the pool of people who follow my art blog and are already familiar with my sculptures or etc. I could do them on here ?? (like, ‘reply to this post to bid, bids close 8am EST, whoever said the highest number sends the money through paypal and then I send the sculpture’ sort of thing???) But I’m not sure if it’s legal to sell stuff through tumblr, or if there could be any other problems with doing it so ‘unofficially’ like that.. I don’t know, I have a vague idea, I’m just having trouble deciding the best way to set up something! I do want to sell some soon though, if I live through the pandemic and anything ever goes back to normal, of course (I wouldn’t want to be having to leave the house to ship stuff in the mail right now).

As for commissions, I have actually done sculpture commissions for friends a few times, so I feel confident-ish that I’d be able to do something like that, but I also wouldn’t want to get overwhelmed since it takes a lot of work. Custom sculptures may also be more expensive, and again.. I always feel guilty and strange about pricing. I’ve thought about doing very limited sculpture commissions though (like, maybe just one at a time, first come first serve or something..?). If it seems like there’s actual interest in that sort of thing, I could definitely consider doing it in the future!

4. " *picks up that smol blue kid and throws them across the room* "

ghgh .. the smallness is an advantage... they could just skitter back down your arm like a tiny squirrel the second you tried to pick them up.. Ythrili survival strategy is to be too small to catch in the first place

(also forgive every sketch in this post, my screen that you can draw on broke, so I’m either drawing stuff in ms paint with a mouse, or drawing stuff on paper and coloring it in firealpaca also with a mouse ghghh.. not going to look Good)

5. "it sounds like you feel pressure to only post good content on the internet, and so you end up psyching yourself out of posting at all. Am I on the right track? "

Not necessarily, like I mentioned in the tags I think it’s more just that everything is complicated by my brain. I can’t just do something effortlessly. Whether it’s for an audience or not, I get caught up on every little detail and adding so much complexity to everything that all tasks take me longer than they take other people lol. I think I just tend to take everything very seriously??

Like for example, I’m often accused of ‘turning things into a discussion’ when someone was just intending to make an off-handed remark, because if someone is bringing up a topic to discuss, I end up engaging with it 100% and putting full effort into it, and it’s hard for me to be ‘’casual’’ about pretty much anything (so if someone was like ‘My day yesterday was a bit weird’ I wouldn’t be able to just respond ‘aw man, that sucks’, I would just be like ‘Weird how? what happened? what made it weird? Are you okay now? Are things still weird? Have you found a solution?’ etc. etc.). I was also bad at essays/open answer questions in school (despite usually being great at the class otherwise), because no matter how hard I tried to filter my speech and cut things out, I was always far too long-winded and would get almost too engaged with the topic and lose the clear cut thought organization and focus that you’re supposed to have I guess. Even like, playing video games or something that’s supposed to be relaxing, I can’t just ‘jump into them’ and do whatever, usually any game I play (large ones at least, small 25 minute point and click adventure games don’t count of course), I have 7 - 10 pages of notes, do hours of research, look up most of the main spoilers, plan out and organize exactly how I’m going to play it and this and that, etc. lol...

So, that personality trait carries over into posting things online as well, I can’t just type something out quickly and hit ‘post’ without a second thought. Social media is hard for me because you’re supposed to use it casually, but I spend a long time re-reading drafted posts, thinking about them, etc. etc., and end up never actually getting around to posting anything. It’s not that I’m perfectionist about it and want it to be ‘good’ or appear a certain way, it’s just that my mind becomes preoccupied with things I guess. I’m a natural information gatherer, part of my natural way of processing things is to learn everything possible before acting, and I want to make sure I’ve fully thought about everything always, and know as much as I can (so I wouldn’t want to publicly say something without giving it a lot of consideration first, or post a picture without really thinking about if I want to post it, what my reasons behind posting it are (like if I’m posting something just for a validation of a certain aspect of myself VS. genuinely because I like it, etc.), if a few months from now I’ll still like that I posted it, etc. lol.. even with like silly cat photos or something, I have to analyze it and be like ‘hmm.. will I still stand by this picture in 4 months? why am I posting it publicly vs, just keeping it privately to myself on my computer? what’s important about it?’ etc. etc. ghgjhgjh.. like.. shut up lol.)

ANYWAY, yeah, I don’t know if it’s about wanting online content to be “good”, as much as it’s just like... I take everything way too seriously and am detail-oriented, contemplative, and analytical to a fault, which means it just takes me 10x longer to do basic ‘’simple’’ things that it would for other people. Though I can still be quite quick-thinking and decisive (I don’t often waver back and forth between things too long), it’s usually because I have years of thinking about the same exact things behind me, so I already am very clear on my opinions on stuff, to a point. But when it’s new things I’m less familiar with (like playing a new game, or posting regularly online), I’m still in a phase where I guess I have to give it a lot of thought. I just process things in a different way than other people I guess? Or have some inherent inability to be brief/concise/careless? If you’ve ever read any of my worldbuilding posts (where I usually start off wanting to explain one thing but then have to derail into 400 other misc. details and explanations and it ends up being a novel), then maybe it’s more evident what I mean, where it’s just like... my natural manner of speaking is Too Much.. I guess? Even this answer is winding and rambly, and I feel like other people could have answered this ask in only a few sentences lol..

If any of that makes sense? I don’t know how to describe how I am lol.. I just know it's hard to me to use social media in this ~~casual effortless~~ way most people seem to, since my brain is just inherently incapable of anything ‘’casual’’ or ‘’effortless’’ lol.. T u T ;;

6. " Hi! I hope this isn't weird to say, I'm designing a race for my DND campaign and some of the aesthetics are a little bit inspired by some of your costumes and makeup designs. You're awesome and your art is awesome so thanks : ) "

Thanks so much, I appreciate it! It’s always cool to hear I can inspire people~

(I usually don’t include many compliments in these ask compilation posts, but I always try to include a few, just to let people know that even if I don’t respond to all of them I do see them, and appreciate it!)

7. ???

I ended up cropping out this ask and not answering because some of the content was questionable (the reason WHY/how they wanted to make the character) in a way that I didn’t feel like getting into a long thing about, but part of it was relevant to making OCs in my world, so I will just make a quick comment:

I do state that this is a closed world, so I don’t want anyone making OCs of my species or etc. at least not at this point. Once my game is finished (if ever lol), or I write a few books or something, then I feel it would be understandable if people like, made up a background story for their player character and thus maybe could have some form of OC in my world and etc.. So I may be more relaxed on this in the future as I create content that people naturally would want to engage with , but for now, I’m still a very tiny creator with a closed world and it just doesn’t feel the same as like.. making an oc based on some thing in a big TV series or something. My worldbuliding and etc. is still very personal to me. Unless we’re directly collaborating on things (like mentioned here (link) a bit), or you’re a personal friend of mine who’s gotten involved in the world with my own guidance (meaning I could tell you lore things you’d need to know to make it accurate, etc.), then I don’t feel it’s appropriate for strangers to do at this point.

Especially since I don’t even have enough world info out for people to be able to reference (most species have half-complete guides, I’ve only ever talked about like, one continent, etc.). There are so many necessary details which I have only in my head and have never typed out, so again, idk, it’d just be weird. I’m not okay with it until I have a lot more lore published, and maybe a few actual works out there that people can reference/stories/games/basis for OCs to exist in the first place. If that makes sense?

8. "Hey, is it ok to use your outfit posts as inspiration for a dnd character? I love them so much, you have such a unique way of combining crazy patterns and fabrics into something that gives off a good vibe”

Yes, that would be fine! Thank you for asking, and I appreciate the compliments~ Hopefully I can get back to posting that sort of thing more often lol.. I’ve gotten WAY off my routine and haven’t done many outfits lately.. aaa

9. "hi Luca! i just wanted to say i really love all of your costumes and fashions and dress ups, its all so cool and pretty and interesting. i actually wanna dress up for fun for myself, and now that i know about the bins i think i'll try to convince my mom to take me to similar places for cheap clothing pieces, since my mom is worried about how much all this costume stuff costs. anyway, please keep posting your cool and beautiful stuff! "

Thank you so much! I wish you luck with your costumes! Yeah, I think there’s a common idea in a lot of fashion communities (like with makeup, costumes, etc.) that you have to always have high quality things to look nice, and even if sometimes you can do more with a little extra money, really you can make anything look good with what you have if you just combine it right. As I’ve always been quite low income, being into fashion and stuff has be discouraging at times, that I couldn’t afford certain materials or items, but you just have to find a niche where what you’re able to do works. For example, a lot of even ‘cheap’ lolita style clothings are too expensive for me (like $30 - $50 for a dress??? then the more pricey ones can be over $100???) lol.. BUT, then stuff like mori kei, cult party kei, fantasy costumes, etc. you can do with nearly any fabric you can find, and it’s still just as fun and creative. Most of the outfits I take pictures of probably cost me no more than $1 - $10 for every single item combined. Obviously it depends on location - I have better access now that I live near a place like the bins, which I understand there may not be similar resources in small towns or etc. But even with generic thrift stores (which may not be as cheap as the bins), you can still find pretty good alternatives to all the money it costs to buy things brand new. There’s still some stuff I legit just can’t do because I don’t have access to the materials, but for the most part I can manage everything I’d like with $3 eye-shadows and 15 cent tattered curtain fabrics lol. You can still do really cool stuff on a pretty nonexistent budget!

10. “do you have any tips on growing your hair long? is it expensive to up keep? i wanna grow mine out but it grows so slow!”

Well, I know nothing about hair and am not a hair stylist or etc. so I really don’t have any tips lol?? And I think hair maintenance depends a lot on the type of hair you have, not everyone’s is the same. I assume we must have similar hair (my natural hair is thick kind of coarse very dark brown/black hair, which is a bit wavy in some parts but mostly straight, but most of my hair currently (aside from the overgrown roots at the top) is altered because of damage from bleaching and etc., it’s more brittle. so that’s what I’ll be referencing) if you’re asking me this instead of someone else, but just know that whatever I say may not apply to you.

Anyway, I really don’t do anything to my hair to make it grow or etc., it’s just that I’ve gone a long time without cutting it lol. I used to cut it all the time or change styles, and now I’ve kind of just left it for 5 or 6 years or so. Because of my mental illness I have trouble maintaining personal care and etc., so I do sometimes go a week or more without washing it, even though I’m trying to work that into my schedule more (luckily I don’t have stinky head, I’ve heard some people’s scalp oils and stuff can smell weird if left for too long, I have the privilege of being able to like.. skip on hygiene a lot without it severely impacting my ability to do things or etc. since it’s usually not obvious if I haven’t bathed in a week or two).

My cat also EATS HUMAN HAIR for some reason, so I have to keep it up all the time, so that when I shed it doesn’t actually just fall loose onto the ground lol. Literally all I do to my hair is just keep it in two braids at all times and wash it with normal shampoo and conditioner occasionally, when I can. I really only think it’s gotten long because I’ve been leaving it alone and not messing with it, not really because of anything I’ve done (like I don’t use fancy products on it or etc.) And because of that, no, it’s not really expensive! It absolutely WOULD be if I were like..a normal functioning person and I regularly bleached it and dyed it and put products on it and styled it and used shampoo and conditioner every 1-3 days on it and etc. lol.. But I guess because I don’t do anything to it to maintain it, I’m not spending money on hairspray or dye or shampoo or etc. I used to bleach it a lot and straighten it and use hairspray and stuff on it, and it seems healthier (at least on the new top parts) now that I’m just ... ignoring it basically lol. But I don’t really know what to do to make it grow faster! I’m bad at self-care, and even if I do costumes and stuff, I really am not into beauty and hair and nails and makeup and stuff, so I’m probably the wrong person to ask hghjhb.. My upkeep routine is just... eat and sleep. wash face with water daily.. do extra stuff if you can manage to despite your functioning issues, etc. I’m definitely not a Beauty Advice person, I barely brush my hair even once a week lol

11. "Maybe you should reduce the number of races if it's too overwhelming? A world can still be immersive with only a few races in it."

(sidenote - Not to be nitpicky, but I make a specific point that the groups of fantasy creatures I create are species, not ‘’races’’, even though it is a commonly used term in fantasy worldbuilding, I think it’s inaccurate/weird )

I know I don’t have to make so many different groups, but, I guess I just really want it to be a broad setting. Part of the point in creating Nanyevimi (aside from worldbuilding just being extremely fun and a hobby greatly suited to someone with my personality traits lol) is to have an established world that I can do anything within, a framework already built where it'd be super easy to just drop a character anywhere on the map and already have an idea of what their culture, background, experiences, etc. would be based on pre-existing details about that portion of the world, etc. But I also want it to be broad, and varied, where every area kind of has it’s own dynamics going on there, so if you’re in a different place, you get a different kind of story. (like in an elven alliance city, you’d be better suited to tell an adventure story centering around complicated local politics, or city life, or etc.. whereas out in some isolated mountains in the south, it’d be more suited for a mystery story about stumbling across ancient ruins, or running into a mysterious traveler, etc.)

Which I guess doesn’t matter much, since I'm better at setting, world design, character design, planning, and details than I am at plot, so I probably won’t actually ever do anything with it (god forbid I tried to write a book or something with my utter inability to be concise/brief in any imaginable way). I can craft settings/characters/history/world-details all day endlessly, never losing inspiration or etc, but my weak point is actually telling stories within those settings and formulating a solid plan, organizing plot structures long term and etc.. Setting up everything for something to happen/creating a place where many interesting premises could occur is fine, but then actually thinking of how those things should OCCUR, or how the set up should play out, is where I get kind of lost. I guess the ideal at some point would be to have people working with me, helping when writing stories in my world/outlining games/etc, to add more cohesion/structure and reign in the unfocused stream of ideas, but that’s very unlikely since I don’t have any close friends that are good at organizing or plotting either, etc. BUT anyway, even if I can’t ever manage to do anything with it, the whole “having a setting I can use for anything I want if anything ever comes up, which is already established and thus makes it much easier to formulate ideas because all the background work is already done for myself” thing is at least a nice goal.. in concept...theoretically lol..

And, it’s not really too overwhelming, I think the overwhelming part is actually just formatting and producing those ideas in a consumable form. It’s not hard for me to keep track of 20 different groups and make backgrounds and every imaginable detail for them, but it IS hard to actually take all that information that exists in my head, type it out as a worldbuilding post, format and organize it, draw pictures to go with it, etc. If I could just post long stream of consciousness style 300,000 word long posts with no paragraph breaks, 4000 typos, barely any punctuation, etc., then I’d have A LOT more world-building info publicly available (since that’s what all the initial documents on my computer look like lol), but that’s just so inaccessible it’d be pointless to have public in the first place. The hard part isn’t really coming up with or managing the information, it’s just... organizing it all, and finding a way to share it.

12. "oh PLEASE tell me what boing peach beverage the elf looks like"

a quick sketch of them.. mysterious peach (and other produce) salesman

13. "fun question: what are ur fashion pet-peeves?"

Well, basically none because I hate when people are rigid over Fashion Rules or etc. Like, people who take pictures of others in public because they “look weird” , or who constantly trash on what people are allowed to wear, what patterns can be mixed with others, etc. etc. I get that some stuff can look kind of bad sometimes, and it’s not that I think nobody is allowed to criticize fashion trends or etc. (especially if they’re legitimately problematic, like of course someone wearing a homophobic t-shirt or doing blackface should be criticized), but I mean just like... that sort of trivial bitter criticism that doesn’t do anything but make people feel bad about the way they look or make them afraid to dress in ways they feel comfortable. Like taking a picture of someone and posting it online to make fun of them because they wore socks with sandals, or bullying 14 year olds who just started doing makeup and haven’t totally gotten their look sorted out yet, etc. etc. (ESPECIALLY since this can often intersect with classism, racism, etc. if you really examine what people mock as 'ugly' or 'unacceptable' styles, it's often stuff like men wearing dresses/makeup, women not shaving, clothing associated with poverty (like wearing “”cheap”” clothes), physical traits commonly associated with poc, making fun of people who look a certain way likely due to mental illness (like fidgeting, dirty mismatched clothing, carrying stuffed animals or comfort items in public etc.), etc. etc.

I find costumes and makeup and outfits to be a very cool and fun way to express myself. So when people are complete freaks about it and set out to just relentlessly make others feel bad for no good reason, it’s like... obnoxious... How can you take something with so much potential and limit it and close others off and turn it into this rigid hateful thing, when it should be something that everyone is able to be passionate about and appreciate?? Outside appearance isn't everything, but it's a tool of expression for so many people and can relate to who they are as a person, people should never feel uncomfortable to be who they are or look how they look just because some dumbass rich person writing for a style magazine has the gall to declare some random thing to be 'Unfashionable' despite not having a genuinely creative bone in their body, or some bigot thinks that certain things are ‘ugly’ or ‘unprofessional’ due to their own mental associations, etc.

But anyway, I guess if I had to choose a few things that I just think look kind of odd to me personally/are generally off-putting...

--- the overdrawing lips thing when you can see the persons actual lip-line and it almost looks like they have two mouths or something? (if not done intentionally for costume makeup). It can look a little strange to me sometimes, like an optical illusion where you see multiple mouth lines at once?? idk like this?

--- freckles that are just round circles and really heavy and don’t look realistic (though again, I also realize this could just be the person’s first time drawing them on or something and I’m not mocking for lack of skill, etc. I just mean that it’s a little strange to look at, not actually BAD though) (and it can also be intentional, like for a cartoony costume look) ---- People adopting cutesy/childlike fashion and clothing and sexualizing it or using it as part of their sex/kink stuff.. I just feel like anything associated with children should not be sexualized..? If the first thing someone thinks when seeing children's school uniforms or frilly little girl’s doll dresses or whatever is that it could be a Hot Thing then hhh... like why is your brain making those connections lol.. People can dress how they want for whatever reasons they want, but that’s always personally creeped me out a little. Similar to our culture’s obsession with looking young being ‘hot’ (like a grown man wanting someone who’s a legal adult but still “looks 16″ or etc.), where it’s like.. okay, I guess yeah outwardly you can make that choice, and maybe aren’t directly causing harm, but.. the underlying tones of it and etc. still make it very unsettling to witness lol... ---- anything appropriated obviously, as well as fetishization or bastardization of cultures, like t-shirts with Japanese writing on them Just For Aesthetic, or taking certain culturally or religiously significant symbols or etc. and adopting them as ‘just a silly fashion’ thing when you’re actually being disrespectful, etc. ---- those shorts or whatever that go up extremely high on the hipbones always look a little weird to me lol, like they give a person funny proportions,

(you may have to right click open image in new window and zoom to see the text, but it’s like.. the blank space makes it look kind of weird to me? Like there’s too much where there’s just nothing going on? idk. That’s just my personal preference though, obviously I tend to lean towards busy designs lol)

That’s all I can think of though, like I said, I’m really not picky or judgy about fashion since I think people should be able to do whatever they want for the most part. I’m not like a “omg stripes should NEVER be worn with plaid!!” type person or something lol.

14. "Hey Luca! I love when you post about your world. Do you have a favorite species you've made up so far? Also, I hope you're holding up well during the crisis!"

AAaa thanks! I’m okay mostly. It’s distressing since because of my particular mental illness I already have constant paranoia and obsessions about health, so of course hearing about so much illness can be really triggering constantly and I’m preoccupied in never-ending anxiety spirals about mortality and etc. etc. etc. , but situationally, I’m just very thankful that nobody in my household has gotten sick yet and I desperately wish that will continue to be the case. *** *** ***

(ignore the *** *** *** , this is a text version of a physical compulsion (a hand movement) that I have to do when I mention certain topics lol.. the little man in my brain that controls my obsessive compulsive disorder says I must do certain things after saying or thinking certain things,, You Know How It Is )

And I really love worldbuilding questions, so thank you so much!!!!! Hghgh maybe it seems weird to favor any over the others, but of course I really like the Avirre'thel. Conceptually, I think their origin story and connection to ancient elves and their abilities and etc. put them in a really unique position in the broader world (some of the only truly immortal people to exist, the only people who can still decipher ancient elven texts in a way that makes sense, etc. etc.). Since Nanyevimi (my world) is really just a setting being built so that in the future I can set things within it (games, short stories, etc.), I think I'm drawn to the aspects of it that have the most potential to make interesting characters, and there are definitely a lot of pre-established dynamics with the Avirre'thel/in Navyete (their home country) as a whole that would make it an good place to set certain things, or a good group for a main character to be from, etc.

I do really like the Jhevona as a species overall too, even if I haven't developed them as much, they also kind of stand out as having some fairly unique features that put them in an interesting position in the world (being one of the most magically capable groups that exists but that also having downsides (health issues and infertility from magic exposure, etc.), how the necessity to keep control over their magic influences their culture, being some of the only natural shape-shifters, etc.). Within that, I REALLY love the Thastanri (a subspecies of Jhevona), like their connection to dreams, the Imkasyn, being one of the last few peoples in contact with real dragons, etc. etc. There are a lot of complex things going on in their area, so there’d be a lot of potential to tell a variety of stories or have interesting characters from that group.

AND, though it's supposed to be Unknown in the world so I won't talk about it just in case I ever write a book one day or something and need to preserve at least a FEW mysteries that I don't just outright explain in worldbuilding posts, Jhevona do have the most interesting origins of any species in my opinion. There are some things from before the timeline break sort of thing (where all recorded history was seemingly wiped and everyone had a big memory loss about 50,000 yrs ago) that people aren't aware of anymore... but Jhevona used to have a cool backstory and quite interesting function in society prior to that. There are some remnants in the genetics of the species and how their magic works (at least for certain groups) that kind of hint at how ancient Jhevona used to look and what they used to do, even though in the modern day things are very different.

15. "Top 10 songs you've been listening to lately?"

I don’t have a top 10 since I listen to everything for different reasons, and don’t have as deep a relationship with music the way some people do (like I don’t really have a favorite band or group I have a connection with that’s “gotten me through hard times”, or music I cry to/any songs that are specifically personally emotionally meaningful to me, etc., etc.), but here’s a quick playlist of a few favorite-ish things I’ve had in my head a lot recently -

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLPmQ4SZdFFHNkgKo7nAiEMgVvLcycX5Qc

the last song on the list specifically I’ve been replaying a lot for some reason, I guess since it’s good background music as there’s no words. Particularly the part that starts around like 38 seconds in, something about that melody reminds me of something distant, in a dreamlike way. The past few days I mostly alternate between that song, Outstanding, and And The Beat Goes On lol

16. " Do you ever sell sculptures? I really like that little fawn!"

Yeah, I hope to eventually! Like I mentioned in question number three, if I can set up some sort of way to do auctions or etc, then maybe I can sell that one!

17 & 18 : '"aaa yay!! i missed your outfits!!!" / "can I just say love ur outfits! They're so cool and inspire me to draw my ocs with new outfits > o < and I love your cat too, please give him a big ol pat!"

Thank you!!!! more compliments posted just to show I appreciate them lol, even if I don’t publicly respond to every one~ And, the Boyes appreciate the pats.. here is them.. big babbeys...

#it bothers me still that I didn't take all the screenshots the same way and there's different colors of nu #mbers and etc. lol.... but some of those are from 4 months ago or more and I had already deleted the original ask #from my inbox so I can't go rescreencap it to match the others..#this is the issue inherent in taking so long to answer things that I just respond in large batches lol #replies #okay also I know it's been months but... one of you has to like this post or at least show you read/interacted with my #response somehow because I cannot spend like 4-5 hours typing stuff for others if nobody will read it ghghg #( i know i make it take longer by being rambly and etc. but.. still...)#I'm sorry they sat in my inbox a long time and etc. but... also..... my pwecious time and effort #i hope at least one of the people I'm responding to sees that i did indeed reply to them lol

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