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forever-rogue · 4 months

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Hi! If you’re taking requests then can I please ask for you to write a Joel x Reader one where Joel and Reader have been dating for a long time and are now finally happily living in Jackson (with Ellie), and it was all going fine until Joel’s PTSD is randomly triggered and he accidentally hurts Reader when she touches him as a way to check on him and offer him comfort like she normally would do during one of his panic attacks?

Like maybe they’re at a family bbq (with Tommy and his wife) or the bar or even at their own home when something — whether it be a certain sound, smell, word, etc. — triggers him to the point where he is totally out of it and gets startled when Reader touches him, causing him to slightly hurt her by grabbing her wrist or whatnot because he mistakes her as a threat. Once he snaps out of his PTSD episode, he immediately feels horrible and regretful despite how much Reader tries to assure him that she’s okay and it wasn’t his fault. But it’s not enough; he starts to distant himself out of fear that he’d potentially hurt her again and out of fear that he’d finally done something enough that’ll make her want to leave him. Reader catches on though and then does her best to make Joel realize that she doesn’t blame him for what happened, she’ll always be there for him — through the good, bad, and ugly —, and she’ll never leave him because he’s the love of her life. Just basically a whole lot of hurt and comfort (with a hint of angst and fluff) lol.

(Ah, I’m so sorry that this ended up being such an annoyingly long and detailed ask! I was struggling with how to express my idea in words, and just ended up rambling… I hope it’s okay! 😭 Please feel free to change anything — you’re incredibly talented, so I completely trust your wherever your creativity takes you if you choose to write this).

Anyway! Thank you so much for writing and sharing all of your stories — your writing is truly outstanding and really just your account as a whole is one of my absolute favorites! 🫶🏻

AN | Please, this is so cute but sad, but there’s also a happy ending 💕

Pairing | Joel Miller x Fem!Reader

Warnings | Language, Mentions of PTSD

Word Count | 2.8k

Masterlist | Joel, Main

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“Think you made enough food?” you felt Joel’s arm at the small of your back as you set up the desserts you had made. You turned to him and pretended to huff before playfully swatting his hand away, “I think you’ve got enough for the whole of Jackson.”

“I never hear you complaining, Joel Miller,” you grabbed one of the chocolate cookies you’d made and took a bite before offering half to him. He playfully bit it out of your hand, causing you to giggle at him, “no manners, Mr. Miller. None at all!”

“I,” he mumbled through a mouth of cookie, “am a perfect gentleman, darlin’.”

“You’re lucky I love you,” you uncovered the rest of the baked goods you’d prepared and marveled at your handiwork, “this is a family barbeque but you know that basically means everyone will be here since we’re all basically one big, weird family. Hence, I made plenty.”

“What’s a smart woman like you doing with a fool like me?” he wrapped his arm around your waist and pulled you in a for a sweet kiss, practically beaming when you pulled back, “baby.”

"Don't baby me, Miller," you planted a playful, sloppy kiss on his cheek, "go on and help your brother with the barbecue so we can actually eat."

"Fine," he clutched at his heart as he scoffed before making his way over to Tommy. You couldn't help but watch him go, shaking your head in amusement. This man.

The world might have been different from how it once used to be, but one of the things that never changed was the love of fireworks. Jimmy and Sandra had somehow managed to come up with a cache of them on one of their last trips out of Jackson.

Naturally, the brilliant idea that they could be used at the barbecue was proposed and it wasn't hard to convince the younger Miller brother to go ahead with it. Under controlled circumstances, it would all be fine.

And realistically it should have been fine…you had no reason to think that it wouldn't be. But life didn't seem to agree with you and had a completely different idea.

You were standing with Ellie, your arms wrapped around her shoulders and you hugged onto her, waiting to see all the pretty fireworks. It hit you then and there - Ellie had never seen fireworks before! The idea in and of itself seemed wild.

Her entire face was lit up from her big smile and the sparkling lights as the two of you watched the ones Tommy had set off.

"Pretty cool, huh?" You pressed a kiss to the top of her head before realizing that something, or someone rather, was missing, "I'm going to go and find Joel. I'll be right back!"

Ellie was so distracted that she didn't even take much note of you leaving. It only took a few minutes before you found him near the back of the house, picking at something from one of the tables, or so you thought anyway.

"Babe?" You weren't sure if he could hear you over the clambering of the crowd and the fireworks; he didn't turn around. You walked closer to him and reached for him, "Joel?"

And then it happened all at once; he turned around and grabbed your wrist, twisting your arm at a painful angle and causing you to cry out. His eyes were dark but there was nothing there, just an empty hollowness.

“Joel!” you tried to pull out of his tight grip but that only made things more painful. He wasn’t letting go and you didn’t know what to do - he clearly wasn’t him right now. You struggled with him for a few moments before you heard someone running up and yelling at Joel to stop.

You looked up and felt a wave of relief wash over your body when you realized it was Tommy. If there was anyone that could help in this situation, it would be him. Tommy managed to pry Joel’s hands off you, the sheer force causing you to stumble backwards and fall onto your butt.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Tommy’s hands were on Joel’s shoulders as he tried to get him to snap out of his trance. You’d never seen him like this and it was as scary as it was heartbreaking. You didn’t fully know what was going on but you had a fairly good guess, “Joel, this isn’t real, it’s just a memory. You’re okay, you’re safe, you’re at home with us.”

That seemed to quell him even if it was the slightest bit and he shook his head, almost as if he was trying to shake whatever was going on off.

“Breathe in and out slowly,” Tommy had a calming effect on your boyfriend who seemed to relax, his shoulders slumping ever so slightly, “look around, we’re at home, we’re safe.”

Tommy took a few steps back and looked at you, an apologetic expression on his face. You swallowed the lump in your throat and as he held out his hand to help you to up and to your feet. Once you were back up, you looked over at Joel to find looking between you and Tommy,

“Joel?” your voice almost cracked as you subconsciously at your sore wrist and sore. His eyes darted to the sore area that was already red and starting to swell.

His jaw clenched as he let out a long sigh, hanging in head in exhaustion and shame, “I’m…I’m okay.”

Tommy hesitated for a moment before gently wrapping an arm around your shoulder, “let me take you and Ellie home.”

“But-”

“Please?” he asked softly, offering you a pointed look. You realized what he was trying to convey and nodded before letting him lead you away, “I’ll be right back, big brother.”

You cast one last look at Joel but he wouldn’t meet your eyes. Your heart broke a little bit, but you kept repeating to yourself that everything would be alright. This was just a small bump in the road.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

When you woke up the following morning, you found yourself alone in bed, Joel’s side still made up and cold. He hadn’t come to bed. You rubbed the sleep from your eyes before putting on your slippers and padding down the hall. You poked your head into Ellie’s bedroom and found the girl fast asleep still; at least she was getting some rest.

You decided to start a pot of coffee and made your way to the kitchen; when you stepped inside you found him sitting at the table and staring at his hands. You relaxed ever so slightly when you realized he was home…but something was definitely still going on.

“Joel?” you’d been so quiet that he hadn’t heard you come in, but his head snapped up and looked at you, “h-hey, my love.”

He inhaled shakily before looking you over, his entire face turning into a grimace at the angry haze of bruising on your arm. You realized what he was looking at and moved to tuck your arm behind your back.

“I hurt you,” was all he managed to see before you could see that his eyes were glistening with tears. You took a few steps closer and shook your head fervently, but he recoiled from you, “I did that to you.”

“No,” the fact that he tried to shy away from you didn’t stop you from getting closer, “you didn’t hurt me - that wasn’t you.”

“It was me,” gingerly, he reached for your hand and pulled out your arm so he could look it over properly. In between the marks you could see the fingerprints etched in there, “if it wasn’t me, who did this to you?”

“Baby-”

“I hurt you,” he repeated, “all because I couldn’t handle the sound of some fuckin’ fireworks.”

“Stop,” you crouched down so you could look up at him since he refused to do so, “please. It wasn’t your fault, and I don’t blame you for this. No one should - it was an unfortunate thing but it’s over and done with this and this bruising will heal and go away. But I am never going away, and if you think this one little thing will do that, then you don’t know me very well.”

“I had no control over what happened,” he was willing to concede at least that much, “and that’s what scares me. What if it happens again? What if it gets even worse the next time? What if-”

“Joel,” you reached up and put your hand on his face, brushing your thumb over his cheek, “you can’t think like that. It’s not healthy….just because it happened once doesn’t mean it will happen again. And, if for some reason it does, we’ll take it one day at a time.”

He reached up and gently removed your hand from his face, causing you to frown deeply, “I can’t trust myself around you. If anything ever happened to you or to Ellie, I would never forgive myself.”

“Joel-”

“I need some air,” he stood up and gently brushed past you, walking outside and into the backyard. You remained rooted in your spot, but sighed heavily, blinking back the tears that threatened to well up.

Things would be okay, you knew they would…they had to be. Right? Right.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Joel was still with you, but you could slowly see him growing more and more distant as the days wore on. Despite your reassurances that you were okay, and you still loved him more than anything, it was like he became a shell of his former self. And it wasn’t just with you, which was a bit of reassurance that it wasn’t just you, but it was with everyone. You wished there was something you could do that would easily get him back to his former self. Just as your arm grew better and less bruised, he continued to pull away and create a barrier between the two of you.

One late night, as you laid in bed reading due to your inability to sleep, Joel came in and slowly closed the door behind him, and leaned against it. When he cleared his throat, you looked up and saw a serious expression on his face. He looked just as tired as you felt.

“What’s up?” you asked softly as you closed your book and gently set it to the side. He remained silent for a few moments, clearly searching for the right words. Once a few moments of tense silence passed he finally looked at you, "hmm?"

"I've been thinkin'," he shoved his hands into pockets. You sat up straighter and tried to push down the nagging feeling that was already forming in your tummy, "and I think it's best…I should go."

"Go?" You parroted, not fully understanding what he was talking about, "what do you mean, Joel?"

"Go," he waved his hand around, "I don't think I should be here with you and Ellie anymore."

"Oh. Oh," you frowned at him, "so you're just going to up and leave."

"Baby, I - it's not like that," he insisted softly but you weren't just about to let him go. Not that easily, "this is what's best."

You scoffed at him, not even bothering to hide your disappointment, "that's what's best, huh? For who? For who is it best? You?"

"Best for everyone."

"Well that is just a straight up lie," you got out of bed and walked over to him, crossing your arms over his chest, "its not what's best for me at all. Or Ellie."

"Baby," it was softer and much more gentle, and almost resigned in a way.

"Listen - this time I need you to listen to me," you stood in front of him, firm and tall, "this has been going on for weeks now and I'm not just going to let you keep continuing on like this."

"I just…I wouldn't forgive myself if I ever did anything to you or hurt you in any way possible," you could see his Adam's apple bobbing, "its already hard enough knowing that I did."

"Look," you pulled back the sleeve of your sweater and held up your arm. When he refused to acknowledge what you were doing you kept a cool and even tone, "look at me."

Reluctantly he allowed himself to look at your arm, at the place he had once hurt you. Your arm was back to normal and no remnants of what had once happened. He wrapped his fingers gingerly around your wrist as he tenderly turned your arm to get a better look at it.

"There's nothing there," you pointed out softly, "and it doesn't hurt at all. I don't think about it anymore and I don't…I never blamed you and I was never scared of you."

"You're saying that now…but what if it happens again?" You could see the genuine concern in his eyes as you reached up and gently touched his face. He closed his eyes and leaned into your touch, something he'd denied himself for what seemed like an eternity by that point.

"If it does, we'll figure it out," you meant every word you said and you hoped he knew that, "Joel, life isn't always easy and it's not always fun. But just because one hard or bad thing happened doesn't mean I'm just going to walk away. That's not who we are and that's not what we do. I'm with you forever and nothing is going to change that."

He opened and closed his mouth a few times, in search of the right thing to say. Instead of verbalizing all that he was feeling, he bowed his head and pressed his forehead to yours.

"If it was me that happened to and I hurt you, would you want me to just leave?" You asked softly and you could feel the shake of his head.

"Of course not," he insisted, "it wouldn't…it would have been an accident."

"Exactly," you whispered, "how do you think I feel about you? I'm not going to let you just go. Not without a fight."

"Really?"

"Of course," you took his face in your hands and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips, "I love you, silly man. Nothing is ever going to change that. We'll be together through the good and the bad, through thick and thin. All of it."

And that was what seemed to break him. You could hear him sniffle lightly before a few tears rolled down his cheek. You gently brushed them away before making a small sound of reassurance at him.

"I love you, baby," he wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you into his warm, soft body. You felt him relax into your touch as you looped your arms around his shoulders and tucked yourself into his body as best as possible. You could tell that he needed this just as much as you did; he was practically melting into your body, "so much."

"I love you," it was a sentiment whispered in his ear so only he could hear it,"so, so much my love."

"When I hurt you I just…I got so worried."

"It's understandable," you insisted, "anyone would feel that way. But I want you to also understand that I love you and that nothing is ever going to change that."

"I know," a huff of laughter escaped him, "I've always known that."

"Good," you gave him the beaming smile that he still managed to fall in with over and over again, "because I've always known that you love me too. I can't promise everything, but I can promise you one thing."

"What's that?" He trailed his fingers against your jaw.

"That we'll always be together," you pressed kisses to both of his cheeks, "and we'll get through anything. And that I will always love you."

"That's three things," he teased, a glimpse of his true self coming though.

"Joel!" You were laughing though and he loved that sound, "get the sentiment though."

"I do," he agreed gently, "I love you."

"I love you too, Joel Miller."

#joel miller #joel miller x you #joel miller x reader #joel miller x fem!reader #joel miller one shot #joel miller imagine #pedro pascal #tlou

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sturniozo · 4 months

Text

Savage Love

Matt Sturniolo x reader Mafia AU

Summary: After a night out with her friends, Y/n wakes up in a hotel bed with a handsome stranger with no memory of the night before. Pieceing together what she can, she finds the man she woke up with wasn’t just some stranger, but the most powerful man in New York.

A/N: I’m basing all of my mafia knowledge on watching the god father when I was six and that one episode of community with the chicken fingers. Other than that I have no clue how mafia works so this might not be as good as you hope but hey I tried. Tell me if you want me to continue this though! I had fun writing it!

Masterlist

I never go out with my friends and I felt bad about it for a long time. But today, Emma convinced me to go dancing with her at a club in New York. I’ve been in the city many times, as I live just outside of it, in a small apartment above a bookshop. But the city of New York still terrifies me, especially at night. There’s a rumor of a secret organization that controls just about everything in the city, and if you cross the man at the top then you’re done for.

Of course, these are just rumors and haven’t actually been proven. I have nothing to fear, right?

Now I’m sitting in front of Emma’s vanity mirror getting ready as she does my hair.

“Oh you should totally wear it down! Curl it a bit, let it hang over your shoulders. You might hook up tonight, you never know.” Emma teases as she messes with my hair. I finish curling my lashes and then turn to her.

“I don’t think I’ll hook up at all. I’m just not the type.” I shrug and stand up, switching places with Emma as she sits in front of her vanity mirror to do her own makeup.

“Well, I am the type.” She says as she starts with contour. I walk into the bathroom and plug in the curling iron to heat it up.

“You can hook up with any guy you want.” I say to Emma. “Just make sure he wraps it. I don’t want to be an aunt so soon.” I laugh.

Emma and I have been best friends since fourth grade. She’s my polar opposite, although we have the same dreams. We’re both journalists writing for a small newspaper outlet right outside of New York.

Emma’s the type to do things we’re doing now almost every day. She always tells me about all the big parties and exclusive events and venues she’s attended. She’s talk to, and slept with, many of the biggest people in multiple industries to get information for her articles.

I take a different approach. My stories come from the smaller people. The homeless and the struggling. I try to bring attention to the lower class of America.

I bet you can guess whose stories get published. Hence why I live in a small apartment above a bookshop, and Emma has a penthouse.

“God, I know. I can’t handle having a baby now. I’m only 20 for Pete’s sake!” Emma laughs and sets down her makeup brush. She turns to me and says “But I need to sleep with someone big and important tonight. I’m dying here, I haven had a story published in almost two weeks!”

I sigh. Two weeks is nothing. Try five months. I’m basically just a consultant at this point.

Emma turns back to the mirror to finish her makeup. I check the curling iron and it’s nice and hot, so I begin to curl the ends of my hair. Just a little curly at the edge.

Emma gets up from the mirror and starts shutting off lights and electronics around her penthouse. I unplug the curling iron and walk into the front room to put on my shoes and grab my purse. Emma shut off the last light and we walk out of the penthouse. She locks the door and we get into the elevator, going down to the front desk.

Emma has an Uber waiting for us. The great thing about Emma is, no matter how much more she has than me, she always gives and never asks for any in return. It’s always been this way. She’s the sweetest friend I’ve ever had. She’s also the most ruthless journalist I’ve ever met.

We get into the Uber and the driver starts for the city. It’s a long drive, one that me and Emma use to our advantage and try to find out who’s the most important person attending the party.

“Oh my god!” Emma says after a long silence of us just looking at our phones.

“What is it, who will be there?” I ask frantically.

“Matt Sturniolo!”

I look at her, confused. “Who’s that?”

“Who’s that? WHO’S THAT? Matt Sturniolo is only the most powerful guy in New York!”

“That can’t be true, how come I’ve never heard of him?”

“Because you focus on who can help the lower class. He can’t help them, it’s not in his power.”

“Then he doesn’t have much power.”

“Oh, he has power. He has all the power. It’s his rumor that he’s the one who controls all the important somebody’s in New York. I gotta make it my mission to sleep with him. God, I bet he’s good in bed.” She says to herself.

I let out a laugh. “What story do you plan together by sleeping with him?”

“I want to know if the rumor is true, duh!” She laughs and lightly hits my shoulder.

We arrive at the venue. It’s large and the music is blaring. We step out of the car and I lean to Emma and say loudly so she can hear me over the music “The most powerful man in New York is gonna be here?” I laugh. “This doesn’t look like a scene you’d catch someone so important in.”

“Trust me, he’ll be here. Steph said so, and she’s always right!” Emma says back. She takes my hand and drags me through the line, showing the bouncer a VIP pass for both her and I. They let us in and Emma immediately drags me to the bar.

“Two vodka martinis!” She says to the bartender. The bartender nods and begins our drinks. I turn around to look at all the people dancing. Men in half dressed suits grinding on women in the shortest dresses. This is what Emma does every day? I understand the appeal, but the loud music and the flashing lights just aren’t for me.

We get our drinks and Emma takes me to a table to sit down at. “So what do we do now?” I ask.

“We mingle!” She shouts and raises her hands in the air.

The rest of the night that I can still remember was filled with drinking and Emma talking to numerous people, always asking about the guy who’s name I can no longer remember due to my copious consumption of alcohol. The last thing I remember was talking to a tall, handsome, dark haired man with beautiful light blue eyes.

I awake with a pounding headache. I raise my head from my pillow and slowly open my eyes, groaning from the pain. I look around and realize, this is not my bedroom. This is not Emma’s bedroom. I have no clue where I am. I scan the room and my eyes fall on a strange man sitting on the couch. I gasp and he looks up at me.

“Good, you’re awake. I was wondering if I’d have to drop you at the emergency room.” He laughs to himself.

I sit up fully in the bed. “Who are you? Where am I?” I ask frantically.

“My names Matt, and-“ I stop him

“Oh my god.”

“It’s fine just-“

“Oh god what happened?”

“Nothing, I-“

“I was drunk!”

“I know, that’s why I-“

“Tell me I didn’t. We didn’t.”

“Would you let me fucking speak?” He yells. “I didn’t fucking touch you, okay? You were dancing on a table and your friend had gone home with some guy so I got you a hotel room. You could barely stand and you just passed out on the bed.” He finishes with a huff.

I stare up at him in shock. “So we didn’t”

“No. We didn’t.” He pauses. “But we could.” He says with a smirk.

A blush appears on my cheeks and my breath shakes “What?” I ask

“Well you’re an attractive girl, I wouldn’t mind it.” He laughs. “But I have a meeting in an hour, so it’ll have to be another time. Want my number while you think about it?” He asks and before I can answer he hands me a card. “I got an Uber waiting for you whenever you’re ready to go home, it’s already paid for. Just do whatever you need to before you leave.” He says, clearly insisting I shower and eat. “And tell the driver where you need to go. Don’t forget to call, doll face.” He says before leaving and closing the door behind him.

I look down at the card he had handed me.

‘Matt Sturniolo.’ With an address and phone number.

Tags: @stargirlsturniololover (the one who came up with the idea for Mafia!Matt) @sturniolobessed

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dutchdread · 2 months

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Hi, I'm sorry if this question has been answered before, but what are your views on the whole Cloud not answering Tifa when she asks if he loves her. I'm not entirely sure where it's from, sorry.

Sure, it might have been asked before, I know I've answered it before, but I've talked about this subject in many places so it might not have been on Tumblr. Either way, the question doesn't bother me, it's a good question since people bring it up a lot, so having a chance to reiterate the answer isn't a bad thing. The scene you're talking about is from the short story: " On the way to a smile - Episode Tifa". Like with all these supposed rebuttals to Cloti this argument fails when you look at the situation honestly for more than two seconds, and is actually Pro-Cloti. Firstly, this argument suffers from the same problem that I brought up a while back in my article concerning "the most misunderstood quote in the LTD". Namely that for this argument to make sense you already have to admit that Cloud and Tifa are in a relationship. There is not a person on earth who would walk up to random friends in the middle of the night and wake them up to ask them whether they love them. The scene is framed as Tifa being in Clouds bedroom, and since Tifa is never mentioned to go to his room and Cloud seems to not be surprised about her being there Occams razor will tell you the most likely reason she's in his room is because they're sleeping together. So even if we look at this situation in the most pro-Cleriths way possible then we still already have a situation where Cloud and Tifa are in a relationship, because only in a relationship does it make sense to talk about relationship issues. And since the very notion of stories is to have a resolution we can also surmise that by the end of the story these relationship issues are in some way fixed, either by them going their separate ways, or them working it out. And since we've discussed the nature of the issues Cloud is facing in depth on this page and have discussed how they are resolved, we know the answer to these questions. The issues are resolved by Cloud returning to Tifa and the children, as has been explicitly stated by the developers.

Inside, I felt one thing was for sure: Cloud and Tifa would be together. Everybody would be back home where they belonged. ~ Nojima - Reunion files - pg. 70

Let me stress this again, the most PRO-Clerith version of this argument has Tifa and Cloud being in a relationship and working it out by the end. And in reality it's even more pro-Cloti than that. The very fact that Tifa is concerned about Cloud not loving her implies that him loving her is in some way the standard. It's not that Tifa and Cloud are friends and it's going so well that Tifa is wondering "wait, does he maybe like me more as just friends? does he perhaps....LOVE me?" no, the implication is that the accepted state of affairs is that they were two people in love, and that she is now questioning whether that's actually the case. Now note that Tifas insecurities by themselves mean nothing. Tifa can be extremely jealous of Aerith and completely convinced that Cloud is depressed because he actually loves another woman, and yet be completely wrong about that, as is clearly the case. Whatever insecurities Tifa might reasonably have, they're pretty clearly shown to be false by the sub-sequent events of Advent Children and all the quotes surrounding it. We know the reason Cloud was depressed, we know the reason he left. As I have discussed in depth here: "why does Cloud think about Aerith if he's not in love with her" as well as on other articles. In short, Cloud is depressed because of Cherophobia, PTSD, Fear of failure, and guilt, and his ultimate reason for leaving is due to his Geostigma. Tifas romantic worries are shown to be unfounded. Concerning the scene itself, a lot of people pretend that Cloud doesn't answer Tifa, that is incorrect. Cloud is asleep when Tifa asks the quote. When this wakes him Tifa changes the question to "do you love Marlene". The reason she does this is most likely because she's scared of the answer, she chickens out and instead of repeating the question, which he missed on account of BEING ASLEEP, she changes it to something less directly threatening to her heart, "do you love Marlene". The most important thing to note is that Cloud answers in the affirmative, he DOES love Marlene. Most importantly, this answer also serves as an answer to "do you love me?", either because Cloud straight up heard Tifa (I don't think he did, but some people pretend he did) and is answering her indirectly, or because this is how you use storytelling to provide an indirect answer to the viewer. The scene illustrates, in general, that Clouds issues are not due to a lack of love. There is a different problem, what is that problem? Well, I've already provided you with a link showing just that. Let me also quickly touch on what happens later on in the short story in general:

Cloud is looking for a way to atone, which he finds through Denzel.

“So the problem was resolved?” Tifa asked. “Which problem?” Cloud responded. “Your problem.” “Oh…” Cloud thought about it. “It’s ok if you don’t want to tell me.” “I can’t really explain it well…” Cloud warned before starting to talk. “The problem isn’t resolved. Well, I never tried resolving it for a long time, I think. You can’t retrieve lost lives.” Tifa nodded silently. “But maybe we can save the lives who are in a crisis just now. Maybe even I can do it.” “You mean Denzel?” “Yeah.” “Hey, do you remember what you said when you brought Denzel here?” “What did I say?” “A lot of things. Even if I opposed it, you would bring him back with you. I could just feel it.” “That…” Cloud was making a face like a kid who thought he would get scolded. “Tell me. I’ll decide whether I’m angry or not after I listen.” Cloud nodded and continued. “Denzel had collapsed in front of Aerith’s church. That’s why I thought Aerith lead him to me.” Saying all that in one breath, Cloud looked away. “You went to the church.” “I didn’t intend to hide it from you.” “You did hide it.” “I’m sorry.” “I’m not saying you couldn’t go. But next time, I’ll go with you.” “I understand.” “And you’re wrong, Cloud.” Cloud was perplexed as he looked at Tifa. “Aerith didn’t bring Denzel to you.” “Ahh, I only thought that…..” “I didn’t mean it that way.” “Aerith brought Denzel to our home.” Cloud gazed at Tifa and finally smiled. __________________________________

This provides further evidence that the issues between Tifa and Cloud weren't due to a lack of love, but were due to Cloud suffering from the guilt of failing to protect Aerith. He doesn't know how to deal with that because this is not something he can take back: "You can’t retrieve lost lives.”. However, he is looking for a way to atone and thinks he's found one by protecting those who are still alive, in this case Denzel. Subsequently his situation with Tifa seemingly improves. But then the story ends with Clouds sudden disappearance, and Tifa wondering if the improvement, and the accompanying smiles, were a lie. The story lets that question linger, it is a cliff hanger, the set-up for Advent Children, advent children is supposed to answer the question, and it does. The answer to the mystery of why Cloud suddenly disappeared when things appeared to be improving, is that he contracted Geostigma.

Cloud never had a candid personality to begin with, and although he started living with Tifa and even started working, he obtained a peaceful living he’s never experienced before, and this conversely made him anxious. And in the midst of this he contracts Geostigma himself, and rather than being able to protect the people dear to him, he instead was forced to face his own death, and so ran away.”-Nojima in AC prologue.

Case closed, Cloti wins again. Like always, whenever you look at any scene in the larger context you come to the conclusion that it perfectly fits the overall story and concepts proposed by Clotis. It's the remarkable coherency of this interpretation that in my opinion is it's best proof. Cleriths propose a very shallow story, they never look deeper than "Clouds actions revolve around romantic love, therefore, every action has to either directly prove romance, or disprove it, there can be no unrelated issues". There is no nuance there, no understanding of deeper concepts. There can't be, because as soon as you try to add those the interpretation falls apart at the seems, you run into a hundred conflicting quotes and a thousand themes that don't fit together or are downright bad. You get stories about a man abandoning sick kids because he wants die die to be with a dead girl, for no other reason than that he knew her for one week and now is obsessed with her. There is no story here, no beauty, no lessons, no morality, just a weird shallow death cult, and the biggest proof that it is a cult is how they can look at a scene like the one you proposed, and delude themselves into actually believing their shallow misrepresentations constitute "a good argument".

#FFVII #ffvii remake #cloti #advent children

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cookii-moon · 26 days

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Introducing… the Perfectly Neurotypical Ninja!!!

(I had an idea and thought it’d be funny)

our first incredibly neurotypical ninja is…

✨ JAY! ✨

Has zero volume control whatsoever

He can NOT be quiet for the life of him

There is no way he doesn’t have some form of anxiety disorder

Like his entire panic and fear definitely seem like anxiety to me

Has a plushie he still sleeps with for comfort and is emotionally attached to (which is super real of him honestly)

Panic attacks

He DEFINITELY has hyperfixations

Have you just seen him in general

That one short where he just starts running around on the roof

Also that one time he and Kai were supposed to train and got distracted by competition (Actually this could probably apply to all the ninja because they do this type of thing all the time)

Got so hyperfixated on dancing games that he learnt how to dance

I don’t think he can sit still it just doesn’t seem possible to me

(I’m not a Jay fan so I can’t point to much else off the top of my head but we’re all in agreement there’s no way he’s neurotypical right?)

Okay never mind, our FIRSt neurotypical ninja is…

✨ COLE! ✨

Talks to himself. A lot.

No seriously he talks to himself so much

Professional school dropout

Gets along great with animals and people who don’t fit in

Probably has owned a pet. Or five. (Probably a cat or a reptile) (he came around to them eventually and now he loves them) (dogs are too energetic and loud)

Most likely has depression

Definitely has sensory issues there’s no way he doesn’t

That one time he nearly had a breakdown from being overwhelmed. (Points to core shorts)

Dislikes metaphors (canon)

Wears the exact same hoodie without fail in every single episode where he has to wear civilian clothing (I think it’s a comfort thing at this point)

Probably taught himself several different ninja things he had no need to learn (why can he fight with a sword and nunchucks when he never uses either of them outside of a single special) (this also applies to shields and staffs and throwing stars but those are at least practical)

He says it’s to prepare but really he did it for fun

Has somehow not discovered his ninja special interest yet

(he physically can’t do anything else it’s too boring) (even when he’s not ninjaing he needs to practice once a day minimum or else he explodes)

Dances when happy/excited (definitely not a stim)

Immediately starts telling Jay about dancing when he enters the contest in a very excited manner (definitely not infodumping)

Has caused several misunderstandings due to bad social skills (he can NOT read the room for the life of him)

His best friend is Jay.

(even if he’s not autistic there’s no way this guy is neurotypical.)

(these are not the actions of a neurotypical person we’re all in agreement of that right)

Whoops… uh…never mind…our FIRST!!!! Neurotypical ninja…

✨ NYA! ✨

Terrified of failure

Like it haunts her she does NOT want to fail she has an entire arc devoted to it

Has a hard time letting go of things (she holds grudges A LOT)

This also includes things of sentimental value like Samurai X

Change is difficult for her just in general

SUPER stubborn

Definitely has a schedule that she envisions in her head but forgets to tell everyone else

(that short where she planned to spend time with Jay but he was going to the arcade)

Short temper especially on bad days

The more I write this the more I realize how little characterization she actually gets for most of the series

Justice for Nya honestly

(I’m assigning her neurodivergence I don’t care how short this is)

(I think autistic. But spicy.)

(probably also anxiety or OCD)

(do you see the vision)

….Okay so maybe not that one either- Uh… our FIRST!!! Neurotypical !!! Ninja!!!

✨ KAI! ✨

Has anger issues. Probably.

Super impulsive

No like incredibly impulsive. Ultra impulsive.

Craves attention but has really bad self worth issues

Hinges his worth on his powers (not healthy)

Wanted to be useful so badly that he convinced himself he’d get powers if he drop kicked Garmadon (it did not work)

Did I mention anger issues

Wants to be useful so he can protect!!!

That one time he and Jay were supposed to be training and-

Has zero patience

(I don’t know what flavor of neurodivergent he is but he’s neurodivergent somehow)

(once again I don’t pay attention to Kai there’s definitely more)

…Okay so this time for sure. Introducing FOR SURE our FIRST neurotypical ninja….

✨ ZANE! ✨

Do I even need to say anything

The entire episode “Home”

Social skills

Taking things literal

That one canon (?) book where he apparently has flashbacks to the ice emperor (im calling OCD or PTSD on that one Zane)

Also that one time he locked away bad memories in decoded (decoded is canon to me and the reason for that is mainly because it actually references ghost Cole (iirc) which is a miracle)

Yeah I think he has PTSD

that one time he hyperfixated on and roleplayed as a detective and then a pirate

probably more. Maybe.

That one’s a robot he’s disqualified. The FIRST, FOR SURE, NO MISTAKES, neurotypical ninja is…

✨ LLOYD! ✨

The fact he apparently has so much of starfarer memorized that he can nearly win a quiz contest thingy and the only thing that stopped him from doing that was that he hadn’t read a brand new limited edition issue

starfarer in general he is not normal about starfarer

Way too trusting for his own good

I would be more surprised if he didn’t have some sort of disorder considering everything he’s gone through

hes got to have at least something related to his trauma right

(This one is way shorter because. Again. Not a Lloyd fan. but. I think the starfarer thing is enough to push him into probably not neurotypical territory.)

(most kids do not know the entire plot and all the fun facts to a long running comic book series by heart)

Are you kidding me none of them are neurotypical?

Okay ne- what do you mean the last one

there’s those ones over there!!!! *points to Arin, Sora and wyldfyre*

Oh wait they’re also neurodivergent?

…..uuuuugh shows canceled then…. Sigh… Guess I’ll start up the Incredibly Neurodivergent Ninja show instead.

(disclaimer this is a joke)

(but they are all neurodivergent that part isn’t)

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zmickmilk · 2 months

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So gonna be ranting about this mf on twitter

Major Ian gallagher defence coming.

OKAH FIRST Ian 100% deserves mickey the same way mickey deserves Ian. When mickey is first introduced he is a homophobic closet case with no support system by the end of the show he is happily married to his fucking high-school sweetheart with his own apartment in a nice area and he has his own business. HE HAS ALL OF THAT BECAUSE OF IAN. Ian became mickeys support system and was always pushing him to become a better person. He shows mickey that he's not 'fucked for life' and he trys his hardest to protect him. Even if the way Ian did it , he got mickey to come out. Mickey needed that push. U think he would have come out if he didn't have someone he loves telling him to?

Now the cheating. The only time Ian cheats on mickey is during his manic episode in s4/5 AND HE GOT HELP AFTER. It's crazy to me that people don't think Ian regrets that and seriously use it as a reason to hate Ian. U better hate fiona and Debbie and Lip too. Yk what better hate mickey too cause he did have a wife and boyfriend (this is a joke don't kill me)

Ian not signing the marriage papers is upsetting but it's not hard to understand why he did it. Ian grew up around frank and Monica , his main representation of marriage is an absolute shit show. He's scared of turning his relationship with the man he loves into that. This is an expected fear from Ian given his worries about being like his mum. He doesn't want to complicate things. And he talks to mickey about this. Ian not signing isn't him being horrible it's his way of trying to protect mickey from himself because he loves mick.

And Ian is always trying to protect mickey, he backs him up in fights, when mickey breaks out of prison he doesn't go to the cops, he breaks up with mickey when he thinks their relationship is hurting him, he tells lip "hit my husband again and I'll fucking kill you". CLEARLY PROTECTIVE.

I don't have ss but mf was also like "Ian laughs at mickey being raped" so talking about that now.

The first time Ian "laughs at him" is in s3 when he tries to talk to mickey right after it happens. I don't think it takes a genius to know that Ian was trying to lighten the mood, not laugh AT mickey. He was also traumatised when Terry catching them happened. He laughs nervously because he has no clue how to navigate a situation like that at such a young age. He's a child making a badly timed, uncomfortable joke because he watched something terrible happen.

The second time Ian does this is with Caleb. During his relationship with caleb, Ian tries to convince himself that mickey was bad for him a few times. Making yourself hate someone is a lot easier than accepting the fact that they are gone. He shouldn't be telling someone he basically just met about that, but in his defence, he's talking about something he probably feels happened to him as well. Ian is affected by all that happened with mickey, and it makes sense that he tells people. In the same way, it would make sense for svetlana to tell people about the day it does for Ian too. All 3 are victims of Terry. Ian also has people telling him how bad mickey is all the time (mainly fiona tbh what if her problem with the milkovichs ) so he's trying to believe that, a easy way to do that is get validation from someone who hasn't been been around mickey. Caleb has never met mick, he has no reason to try defend him. I also don't really think what Ian was saying was making fun of mickey, it's not nice but yk?

This is getting long omg

On him being ugly

UGLY?!?!?

Cameron monaghan is GORGEOUS. He is the definition of cutie pie AND fine as fuck.

When mickey punches Ian because he didn't sign the marriage papers, HE DID NOT HAVE IT COMING. No one deserves to be hit by their partner. I mean, Jesus crist mickey literally broke his leg. His is probably the worst aspect of their relationship by that I mean the violence. A lot of it is playful, but it's not always healthy. Mickey was understandably upset but he shouldn't have hit Ian.

Okayyy now the hall of shame stuff. To me, that shit doesn't count cause Ian and mickey both act kinda out of character. I really don't like Ian saying that, and he shouldn't, but it's hardly a reason for Ian not to deserve mick. 87% is still the majority of his heart, and Ian wasn't saying he doesn't love mickey. Also acting like mickey hasn't said worst things.

"Ur nothing but a warm mouth to me"

"better than going off and having another bipolar episode"

LAST THING. Yes, mickey sacrifices a lot for Ian, like when he goes to prison for him, but not everyone shows love through large reckless actions. You shouldn't expect Ian to give things up to prove he loves mickey. Sacrifice isn't the only way to show affection. U can do it through words or gifts or quality time. Ian shows his love a lot through words, like when he tells mickey, "we have nothing to be ashamed of" early as s2. He makes him feel better when mickey is scared he would be a bad dad.

Ian gallagher haters are DUMB . Some people shouldn't be allowed to watch shameless cause how can u be so small-minded. People who say 1 of them doesn't deserve the other are just aggravating. Gallavich has a lot of ups and downs, and its part of what makes them so appealing. Despite all the bad things they go through, they always love and fight for each other.

Rant over

#shameless us #ian gallagher #defending him with my life #how can u hate him #ian shameless

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unreal-unearthing · 2 years

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Just having a lot of thoughts about the Calliope episode of The Sandman while rewatching!

I love the part where calliope reminds madoc that Erasmus said that writers are liars, he responds by saying ‘not all of us.’ It so clearly reminds us of the ‘nice guy’ rhetoric, of ‘not all men.’ He’s not an evil liar of a writer like Erasmus, he’s a good dude! He feels bad about keeping her prisoner! Obviously he’s a Nice, Sensitive Guy™️! He’s clearly trying to separate himself from erasmus, suggest that he’s not as bad, even as he is doing the exact same thing.

I love the part where she asks for freedom and he tries to convince her that he’s not free either, trying to compare their suffering. All of the things that make him not free are consequences of his own decisions and actions, and she’s being held captive. Reminds me of all the guys who crawl out of the woodwork every time a woman tries to explain some difficultly of life under patriarchy to remind her of like.. the draft or whatever to say men have it hard, too.

It also reminds me of that painting the Revenge of the Muse and how creative men often use their art/artistry as an excuse to mistreat the women in their lives. All the constant promises of ‘one of more book’ reminded me of all those men whose wives/girlfriends make constant sacrifices for his career, always told their turn is coming, one more book, one more promotion, one more year, before they can pursue their dreams.

The way the narrative and Dream constantly centers Calliope’s agency. Morpheus appears and asks how he can help, when he appears he centers her suffering as worse than his, and her pain hurts him. Stops his revenge as soon as Calliope asks even though he’d clearly like to continue torturing this dude. He allows her to set the tone for her freedom. When she tries to thank him for saving her, he says that he only answered her call, giving her credit for saving herself.

Also the casting! Melissanthi Mahut really captures Calliope’s ethereal power- that she is a queen, a goddess - while still able to show her vulnerability and fear. (Which was one of the things I liked most about Tom Sturridge’s Dream in the first episode). Arthur Darvill so convincingly playing the ‘nice guy’ that you half expect him to do the right thing but then he never does.

#the sandman #the sandman spoilers #morpheus #dream of the endless #Netflix’s the sandman #calliope #melissanthi mahut #arthur darvill #tom sturridge #calliope sandman

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ikamigami · 5 days

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So I rewatched an episode "Is Sun okay?!" and I need to say this..

It's extremely obvious that Sun was lying to Moon and Solar..

And he has a drinking problem..

And he changed the address of the package so it would seem that the delivery service made a mistake..

And when he was asking who is buying so much alcohol weekly.. not monthly but WEEKLY.. he was asking for their opinion..

Sun isn't a good liar if it comes to lying to Moon..

So obviously when he heard their answer to "who would buy so much alcohol" being "an alcoholic" he started stuttering and his speach sounded more like a blabbering..

It's also worth pointing out that Sun asked Moon to specify what he meant by how many bottles he already drunk.. was he talking about that day or in general?

But don't you find it a little bit suspicious..?

Why did Sun ask Moon to specify his question?

Normally everyone would answer this question immediately.. so why Sun asked to specify the question? Why Sun said "you mean today.."?

If you were drinking a bottle of alcohol a day.. wouldn't you say that I only drank half of a bottle today or something like that..

So why Sun wanted to know if Moon meant that day?

I think that if we look at how much Sun's repeating lines such as "look how this bottle is so small" or "this is like a Caprisun to me" and the way he was saying it as if he was trying to convince Moon and Solar and maybe even himself that he doesn't drink much we can make a very good assumption that Sun has a drinking problem..

And yes, I fully believe that Sun was lying to Earth as well as I believe that he's drinking in secret and that he's most probably hiding his alcoholic beverages in other drinks.. for example tea..

And he still drunk that beer in that sushi restaurant..

I'm honestly disheartened by how both Solar and Earth literally just straight up ignored Moon's concerns regarding Sun's well-being..

I wouldn't be surprised (and I really hope tbh) if Moon was angry at Earth.. or maybe even at Solar (who knows when Eclipse will bring him back or how exactly it'll happen I'm just talking hypothetically) if something bad will happen to Sun because he'll do something reckless because of his problem with alcohol..

Moon have every right to be upset that everyone ignored his concerns regarding Sun who is his twin and whom he knows the most..

Sorry to Earth and Solar but they don't know Sun that much.. with how much Sun is hiding from Earth or just lying to her and with the fact that Solar never hang out with Sun just the two of them.. they just simply don't know Sun..

Even if Sun is hiding things from Moon and lie to him.. Moon still knows him better because of their bond - the special bond they share.. and also because Moon is spending the most time with Sun and also they live together in one house.. The rest isn't there with them..

And Moon is paying attention to Sun quite a lot (unlike Old Moon) cause he not only catch Sun on drinking but also he realized that Sun isn't socializing as much anymore and he even saw that Sun has self-destructive tendencies.. He said that he fully realized that when he was talking to Old Moon which means that he saw that but couldn't grasp it fully until the talk with Old Moon..

Moon was probably thinking about it in back of his head since Sun lied to him about the whole star conduit thing.. and later after the talk with Dark Sun.. Moon's fear only strengthened.. "it scares me".. Sun's self-destructive tendencies scare Moon..

And yet no one listens to Moon's very valid concerns..

And that's why I think that Sun will do something reckless and Moon will be angry that others just carelessly dismissed his concerns..

Or what if Sun died? It would be a lot worse.. Moon would be beyond angry that no one listened to him..

I don't know what Davis and EC will exactly do but I'm sure that big drama is awaiting us in the future.. and I can't wait to see it..

#sun and moon show #sams #sams sun #sams moon #sams solar #laes earth #tw alcohol

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izukuisbaby · 2 years

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੭ु⁾💌 ex!husband toji x reader : the divorce and the first time seeing him after

୭ synopsis : an unfortunate acquaintance reminds you of the day the love of your life left you

୭ A/N : this episode is the 1st of the series and take place before the ones already posted. this is inspired by @mari-the-bimbo 's concept

୭ warnings : cussing and angst (it gets better throughout the series I promise x)

You were in desperate need of some new clothes and so, decided to take a shopping trip by yourself. You hopped into the tramway, at the station near your home, heading for the shopping centre. It being full, you were forced to stand. Putting in your headphones, you directed yourself towards a corner, in order to have some privacy. You were feeling absolutely dreadful lately and the main reason for that happens to be your recent divorce with the love of your life, Toji Zenin. For the past three weeks, all you could do was stay in bed and every now and then, attempt to do your makeup and dress up – a pathetic excuse of an action in order to make you feel better about yourself and muster up some confidence, that was unfortunately long gone. The constant anger you feel toward Toji comes from the fact that he left you without giving any explanation for his actions. Due to the absence of other reasons for the failure of your union, you had no choice but to lay the blame on yourself. You never felt like you were not enough for him, ironically at first, you deemed yourself way out of his league. After all, Toji was nothing akin to your usual type. He was mischievous, sinister, merciless and he could be manipulative if obstacles were to be shown on his way to success. However, he kept his downsides away from you and paid great attention to do so. His love for you was unexpectedly pure – or so you thought. Wasn't betraying you enough to convince you that he never loved you? Oh, you wish it were that easy. You could just tell yourself “he never loved me anyways, that’s why he abandoned me”, but no. The only person you could think of that would be right for you was Toji because you were hopelessly convinced that he was a good person. The day he left you remained in your mind as if it happened yesterday. You never saw him that way with you before, so infuriated, shaking of anger – or perhaps of fear.

— flashback –

“Y/N you don’t get it - “, his hands were violently shaking.

“Then help me get it, Toji ! Is it so hard for you to explain to your wife why you wish to ruin 7 years of sheer happiness ? What could be so grave for you to leave me ?” you said suddenly standing up from the couch, your voice gradually grew louder as you spoke.

“Y/N, please sit back down. I don’t want us to end on a bad note. I care about you, but I can’t tell you.”

“You care about me ? Care ?” you scoffed. “So you don’t love me, I get it now. Wasn’t so hard was it ? Thanks for telling me and being honest” you sarcastically scolded, staring deep into his eyes.

“Please calm down Y/N, I beg you.” he stood up as well and tried to reach for your hands which you were quick to put out of reach.

“I thought you knew me, Toji, I would never be mad over honesty. So don’t you dare tell me to calm down while you are damn aware you put me in that state” you venomously spat. “You know, I've seen this film before. The married man, busy with his work, barely has time to spend with his wife, who worries way too much about her husband. “I have so much work to do”, he says. Guess what ? The so urgent work he has to do is actually fucking a younger, prettier, more seductive woman. That’s what you’re doing isn’t it ? Come on ! Fucking tell me Toji, that is your last chance at honesty.”

“I- look Y/N -”

“Don’t you dare try to sugarcoat it. No need to, it’s not like I haven’t figured it out by now.”

“Stop acting like you know every fucking thing about me !” He was completely rabid at this point, yelling that sentence right at your face. One that added more crevices to your already severed heart.

“Yes, I am screwing another woman ! Women, in fact ! Now stop being such a pain in the ass and fucking leave !” He shouted, putting an emphasis on “screwing”, “woman” and “women”, three extremely sharp daggers landing straight into your heart, breaking it beyond repair. Your previously filled with water eyes were now emptied as the liquid ran down your cheeks. Your saddened look now replaced with an angry, disgusted one.

“You will be the one walking out of that door, darling. I bet you have a home with your sluts when all of you can have fun together. I just wish to remind you that the house you wanted me to leave is in my name, therefore it is mine.” Standing up, you opened the door and extended your arm in order to signal Toji to leave instantly. “You are more than welcome to take off through the door I politely just opened. Not that you deserve such courtesy.” You said, grinning.

“Fine” was all he sternly replied. Your eyes met as he walked out, you took that opportunity to tell him ; “I will take great care of your stuff. I promise I will burn every single thing that belongs to you in this house, just as I will burn the memory of us.” You slammed the door to his face and went to bed, hoping to wake up next to him in the morning, hoping that all of this was just a dream.

— end of flashback –

Your thoughts were interrupted by a massive figure entering the tramway and obscuring the sun’s light on your face. Your eyes rose to stare at his face and recognized your ex-husband immediately. “Y/N” he said, sounding almost desperate. “Toji, how have you been ? Still with your Matilda or whatever her name is ? Or was it Leah, I forgot there were so many” you replied with a smirk. “I am great” he ignored your question and remarks and instead stepped away from you to another wagon. You bit your lip, realising how what you just said was clearly out of line.

- toji's pov -

This is ridiculous. She would never act like this, the Y/N he knows – his Y/N – never speaks so meanly to anyone. As she herself puts it “everyone deserves respect”. That probably means that Toji doesn’t, and he gets that. He wishes he could have told her, leaving her behind would never have been an option then. However life can be unfair sometimes. He had to sacrifice the love of his life because he wanted her to be safe. She could never understand. She never realised how dangerous dating him could be – let alone marrying him – but this had to end before her life was truly at stake. The only thing he wishes for now, is for her to never doubt the genuine love he felt for her since he first laid eyes on her. One that Toji still strongly feels which makes thinking of her and now being around her an extreme ordeal. Things cannot go back to normal just yet, but when the time comes, he will get her back.

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bucky-bucky-bucky-bucky · 2 months

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Maybe I’m the odd one out here but What is and What Should Never Be always absolutely destroys me. I weep for almost the entire episode.

Dean has a home. He has someone who loves him. His life is normal and safe. And I cry.

The way he looks at Mary when he sees her for the first time. The way he nearly crumbles when she says “I told you angels were watching over you”. And then he hugs her with everything he has. He’s so happy to be back with him mom, back in his childhood home. His mom makes him lunch and it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to him. He gets to mow the lawn like a normal person. The trunk of his car isn’t full of weapons. He’s just ordinary, and he’s so happy about it. So I cry.

And the way he hugs Jess? He only ever met the girl once but he knows how much she means to Sam. And he knows that losing her almost killed his brother. And so he hugs her as tight as he can, because he’s so thrilled that she’s alive and Sam is happy. And I cry.

But what also kills me is the way that Sam and his mom talk about Dean. They’re always asking if he’s been drinking. They’re suspicious of all of his actions and his affections. Maybe the version of Dean from this life wasn’t exactly on the straight and narrow, but they talk about him like he’s a deadbeat. So I cry.

Jesus Christ, and when Dean goes to talk to his dad at the cemetery?

“It's like my old life is… is coming after me or something. Like it like it doesn't want me to be happy. Course I know what you'd say. Well, not the you that played softball but... "So go hunt the Djinn. He put you here, it can put you back. Your happiness for all those people's lives, no contest. Right?" But why? Why is it my job to save these people? Why do I have to be some kind of hero? What about us, huh? What, Mom's not supposed to live her life? Sammy's not supposed to get married? Why do we have to sacrifice everything, Dad?”

He doesn’t say “why can’t I have the life I want?” Sure, he asks why he has to be a hero. But he makes it more about Sam and his mom. Because he wants them to have the lives they deserve. And this moment just gives us another look at what a bastard John was. Dean knew how dismissive and rude John would be. He knew that John would never choose his own son’s happiness over the lives of strangers. And he’d probably scream at Dean for even considering the “selfish” option. The way Dean says that his old life doesn’t want him to be happy also kills me. Because it’s like, no matter where he goes or what he does, he’s destined for misery. So I sob.

And so Dean goes to hunt the Djinn. He chooses the lives of others over everything, like he always does. And he realizes his new life isn’t real. He realizes he’s been unconscious this entire time, and that Jess is dead. His mom is dead. Carmen doesn’t really exist. And I cry.

So he’s ready to kill himself, but the way that his family tries to convince him to stay?

Oh my god. Spiegel im Spiegel starts playing, and Sam asks “why’d you have to keep digging?”

Mary tells him to put the knife down. She says it doesn’t matter that this life isn’t real, it’s still better than anything he had before. And that yeah, in real life, he will die in a few days. But it will feel like years. And there will be “No more pain. Or fear. Just love and comfort. And safety,” none of which Dean has in his real life

But Dean still chooses to return to his life, because he cares more about our saving people than he does about his own happiness.

And he tells Sam about the fake life the djinn created for him. About how Sam was happy with Jess. And their mom was going to have grandchildren. Sam commends him for having the strength to fight it, to leave it behind. And Dean says, “But I wanted to stay. I wanted to stay so bad. I mean, ever since Dad... all I c– all I can think about is how much this job's cost us. We've lost so much. We've... sacrificed so much.”

and it’s like, damn. Why can’t Dean ever be truly happy? Cause even in this “happy” version of his life, everything was tinged with pain and sadness and grief. And I just wish he could get a break. So I cry and cry and cry and cry.

#supernatural #supernatural rewatch #supernatural season 2 #what is and what should never be #dean winchester #jensen ackles #sam winchester #jared padalecki #Sam and Jess #mary winchester #samantha smith #djinn

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tsams-confessions · 1 month

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I feel bad for all the drama that’s happening between Lunar and Earth… like, one of the main reasons I loved them was because they seemed like almost the perfect siblings to me. They had each other, and would talk openly about themselves. I was completely oblivious to the glitches in their system. I feel so bad for them…

I know that in today’s episode they tried talking it out with Solar, but every time I see them like this, I have to start playing my comfort songs just to make me feel better. And I only play those in the most painful moments. This is one of them. I’m scared that something bad will happen to them. Like, I feel like Gemini will fail to convince the other astrals, and then when they come for Lunar, he’ll just let them kill him. He said that he doesn’t know what he wants anymore, but he also says he just wants to be happy with his family. Maybe Lunar might turn evil. Dunno.

And Earth… Boy, that’s a whole ‘nother situation. I fear for her. Don’t know where she’s going. And also, dunno if anyone else noticed this, but Sun’s death was hinted at, but never happened… it’s not quite as hinted at now, but still… I’m scared for him too. And that fact that the other day he said he didn’t hear that he was a good brother a lot… poor boi…

Thank you for having this. I REALLY needed to get this out of my system. I just wanted y you to know, you’re doing great. 👍🏻 💕

And too everyone in the Fandom reading this… Than you for reading this, and just for being a fandom in the first place. Love y’all. 💕

—With love, a fan 😌

#sun and moon show #the sun and moon show #tsams #sams #tsams confession #< block this if you dont want to see these #mod 1blood

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operationslipperypuppet · 6 months

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Ooh how about top 5 Emily moments for each PC (i.e. top moonshine moment, top fia moment, etc etc) because we know Emily is incredible and can do no wrong!

Real and true. I’ll do like 2 moments for each naddpod pc and then it’ll be like 10 moments lol. Full disclosure: this is long as hell.

Moonshine:

“You can be quick with kindness, too” and then grabbing Bev and jumping off into the Astral Sea. That whole thing, where she was trying to understand Thiala despite knowing she likely couldn’t be reasoned with. An absolute peak of Moonshine. Holy shit.

Not to be the guy who brings up “how long do half elves live” at every opportunity. But it needs to be said. Because it’s also Moonshine grappling with how her lifespan is going to work. Emily was never going to take 18 levels in druid, she didn’t want timeless body for Moonshine. But she got it. And then there’s this poignant moment where she’s grappling with everything that will mean to the only other person she knows has or will experience it. Moonshine doesn’t fear death. But she doesn’t want to live in a world without her family and friends. And that’s why it matters. Plus the hardshine of it all.

Fuck it, third one. The conversation with Deadeye. She saves him. She’s the catalyst that stops him from continuing a spiral he’d been part of for possibly 100 years. And he stopped her from going down a similar path, which was Brennan’s plan when he made the character. The Cybin siblings are something that can be so personal.

Fia:

“Maybe I don’t want to be her sister, okay!” Fia was closed off to the other third mates in a lot of ways. She was never hiding anything deliberately, she just kept a lot of feelings close to her chest. She hadn’t had friends in years. Blurting this out to Hank and Zirk was her last wall crumbling and a moment of true trust. Plus like the beauty of girlhood friends falling in love wlw wish fulfillment.

“You were my fucking dream for so fucking long. But these people are my reality. And it is by your actions that one of them has died, and you tried to kill more of them. And I will miss you so much. But I, I cannot support this. Mr. Henry. Kill Her.” Truly an Emily moment of all time. The beauty. The cold hearted commitment. The sobs from both her AND Caldwell.

Tarragon:

Only gonna do one here because she’s in so few episodes. The atonement to help redeem Moxora at the end of Cerenysus. “She may have rotted but she’ll make good soil”. Devastating.

Billie:

Also gonna do one here because of the shortness of her time. Her insane antics in the Grimdung/Beeto cave fight. Trying to convince Grimmy that she was worth more than his allegiance to the cause. Being completely wrong about his thought process. And the interactions with Hank and Zirk during that fight. Too fun.

Onyx:

Pretending to be Porker Harris for the entire Merry Metal Mayhem two shot. Insane choice. She was dressed as him dead I think actually. And tried to convince Sonic that she was him. The triplets are too good.

Befriending KT. Getting her plane seat upgraded while sitting in the bad seats. Asking for her opinion on everything. So dumb. So incredible.

Callie:

Fucking. Crown of Dreams. Right at the end. She finally isn’t confused or a nannerfly. And she takes a turn to Lay on Hands Sol (who was 2 death save failures in the hole and it really felt like Caldwell’s skin of his teeth luck had finally run out) and then casts compelled duel on Ultrus to save Glen. Gets me every time. God what an episode.

Little strange, but when they’re fighting the Bronzebeards and that guy who was controlling people with the worms in the woods on the way to Irondeep. She like climbs up something, Fey Steps, attacks or casts a spell, then asks Hardwon to catch her. And Hardwon “nods like he’s seen this kind of bullshit before”. Just a very fun moment.

So sorry for going off like that. Hope people enjoy reading this insane list lmao

#naddpod #emily axford #asks #anon #top 5 #again send more if y’all want I’m having fun still

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coraniaid · 4 months

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Enemies ends with Faith warning Buffy that if she kills her, she'll become her: "you ain't ready for that".

And sure enough, Buffy does go through a large part of the first half of the next episode convinced she's about to become something monstrous, a transformation which she's clearly not prepared for ("I'm scared Will. There's this thing in me and I can't find it. I can't stop it. What if it changes me? [...] All of a sudden I could be something that's not me anymore.")

Of course, Buffy isn't (explicitly) talking about Faith here, but (to paraphrase Xander a few episodes earlier), she is talking about her a lot. Telling Willow that "to the naked eye [kissing Faith] looked like fun", or telling Angel that Faith wasn't "so bad to have around" or that she was "hurting a lot" in a way that "some people, protective-type people" might have been drawn to, or (on a more metaphorical level), bringing up Iago's motivations for trying to destroy Othello (all of which, ranging from anger at being overlooked or sexual jealously or simply because he enjoys doing it, because he's "the dark half of Othello himself", clearly apply just as equally to why Faith has recently become Buffy's enemy.)

Of all the Season 3 episodes Faith isn't in, I think this is the one where her absence makes the most sense. Her arc this season wouldn't be as satisfying if we could read her mind and see her motivations. Just like Iago (at least according to Ms. Murray's dissertation), she's not really a person in her own right. She exists as a reflection of Buffy's own feelings, "but you never really see what's in someone's heart".

Though it wasn't the writers' concious intent, I do think you can view this season's central arc as the closest the show ever really gets to a love triangle: with Buffy forced to choose between dwelling in the comfortable past that Angel represents and the thrill of living only in the moment that Faith represents, and ultimately rejecting and accepting aspects of both so that she can move on into the future. And in this viewing, I think it's important that Angel and Faith are treated on an equal footing in this episode. Buffy doesn't get to use her newfound powers to read Angel's mind, and she doesn't get to read Faith's mind either. They are both blank slates: Angel representing who Buffy was before the events of last year, and Faith representing a possible demonic transformation (and note that the question of whether Slayers are demons or fully human will be pretty central to the next four seasons of the show).

The episode takes away Buffy's mind-reading powers almost as soon as she gets them, and while they give her a broader sense of empathy (or at least help to further develop an empathy she's been gaining since the show's first episode when she realized the difference between Cordelia being "nice" and being nice "to me, anyway") they don't help her resolve her confusion about her vampire boyfriend and "the whole bad girl thing" Faith has working for her.

But in just a few episodes' time, she's going to have to make a choice. And, coming back to her fears at the start, there's a risk that in doing so she'll become something that's not her anymore. When Xander tells Buffy in Graduation Day that he "doesn't want to lose her" before she goes to fight and possibly kill Faith, it's hard not to be reminded of what Buffy told Willow this episode. What if it changes her? What if, all of a sudden, she's not Buffy anymore?

#btvs #buffy rewatch 2023

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jastersmohnson · 11 months

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Lizzy Caplan’s full thoughts on the “Monkey Business” episode

This is from an article that was published in December. I just discovered it (apologies if it’s already been shared), but I thought it was pretty illuminating. I had no idea that Lizzy had such distain for the scene, I do feel very sorry for her. It’s bizarre that Michelle Ashford and the writers insisted on the storyline making it to air when the cast and crew seemed fairly vocal about it being a bad idea, and the critics and audience have almost unanimously agreed that it’s the worst episode of the show by several degrees.

So here’s Lizzy’s full thoughts on the scene/storyline, filmed on her birthday, June 30, 2015:

“This was season three, which was not our strongest season — like, objectively and for some very valid reasons that are not worth getting into now. It was not as refined, let’s say, as the first couple seasons.

“So, it was summer. We were deep into shooting the season and one weekend Annaleigh Ashford, who is amazing and lovely and was on the show, she was doing a cabaret show in Las Vegas. A bunch of us decided to go. My birthday was that upcoming Monday and it was also the very early days of dating my now-husband. We wanted to go have this fun, early birthday Vegas weekend.

“It was a perfectly debauched weekend and then we flew back to LA Sunday night and I was in pretty rough shape. Very hung over. Like, Vegas hung over. And then Monday morning, crack of dawn, I had to be back at work.

“We were shooting in Griffith Park all day. It was easily 100 degrees outside. So hot and there was not a lot of shade and I was still feeling pretty bad from the night before. Exhausted, nauseous, overheating in all those wool clothes that people wore back in the 50s, with 30 undergarments underneath.

“And I’m also dreading the scene we had to shoot that day. I had been trying to convince myself that it wasn’t going to be as bad as I feared because this is a respectable show! The setup of the episode — I have never watched this nor will I ever watch it — was that esteemed sex researchers Masters and Johnson are called to the St. Louis Zoo because their gorilla just won’t mate and (the zoo staff) are tearing their hair out and they need help. And who are you going to call? Sex researchers.

“Somehow Masters and Johnson come to this realization that this frigid — I don’t even know if you can use the word ‘frigid’ for a male gorilla? — but this frigid gorilla needed motivation to get there. So my character, Virginia Johnson, does the most obvious and logical thing, which is to expose her breasts to the gorilla to inspire him to mate.

“When I tell you the amount of times we tried to push back on this storyline (laughs) to no avail. So here we are on set, it’s happening.

“And I remember this very, very vividly: I was feeling physically terrible, but also a deep, deep, deep embarrassment. I think it was hour 13 of what ended up being a 16-hour scorching hot day. And I’m unbuttoning my blouse to show my boobs to a man in a gorilla suit. And also, please don’t forget: It was my birthday.

“The camera was focused on my back, so you didn’t see nudity. You see me from behind, opening my blouse — I’m 90% sure it was only from the back. Again, I haven’t seen it. From my understanding, I wasn’t showing nudity, but it was very implied. And nudity was not uncommon on that show.

“So I remember looking over at the camera guy and I just saw the pity on his face as he’s mouthing: ‘I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.’ And he was actually a camera guy on ‘Fleishman is in Trouble,’ so we were just reminiscing about this.

“So I do the thing and I’m filled with a deep guttural shame — I didn’t want to do it but I had to do it. Then (laughs), the man in the gorilla suit — who is the only person on set having a worse day than me because it’s a billion degrees outside and he had to spend the whole day in this gorilla suit — he, in character, reacts to this display and then the gorilla is in fact inspired (laughs) by a human woman flashing him her breasts.

“And then the guy proceeds to go and start mating with the female gorilla.

“But the really crazy thing is that the guy in the female gorilla suit? That was the male gorilla’s actual son.

“So he had to look at me, and then make his way over to his son and pretend to mate with him.

“And I just wanted to walk into the ocean and die. That was the worst moment I’ve ever had at work.

“Working on that show was one of the most collaborative experiences, which was probably why this felt extra strange. There were things that pushed my level of comfort, but certainly, it was all my own choice and I was aiming to push it. I was never pushed by any producers to do anything I didn’t want to do — up until this point. There were a lot of times on that show where I had to steel myself in my trailer beforehand for scenes that I really believed in, but I was never pushed into doing anything. Which is why this felt like such an anomaly.

“When I signed up for this show, I had a pretty good idea of what might be involved. But it’s safe to assume that I did not anticipate I would be asked to show my breasts to a man in a gorilla suit in order to inspire the gorilla to mate.

“But also that’s what made everybody so sad. This was a show that was so respected and deservedly so. This is one of the jobs I’m most proud of ever, I’m so happy I was in this show. But there was something stinky about this third season. And to all of a sudden go from this lofty level of prestige to flashing your breasts to a gorilla — that feels like a pretty steep drop.

“The scene was made up, I say that with 99% certainty. I think they really were asked to go to the zoo, but I highly doubt — because it doesn’t even make sense! I don’t think this is how animal psychology works. I have no degree in animal husbandry, but I think it’s safe to assume this was a flight of fancy from some writer.

“Michael Sheen was as horrified as I was, if not more so somehow. Nobody wanted to look anybody else in the eye the whole time (laughs), it was horrifying.

“And it was so clear that everybody — the crew, who feel like the true team you’re playing on — we all felt the same. I couldn’t wait to get to a point where this was funny. But in that moment, it didn’t feel funny to me at all.

“I was probably a little more afraid to speak about this thing, even in a joking way, at first. But we had to do some press pretty soon after and Michael Sheen just went right into how stupid this gorilla thing was (laughs).

“I can’t imagine what this was like for the two guys in the gorilla suits. And they were clearly the best in the business. They were great at being gorillas! But you need therapy after that.

“I just imagine them driving home in complete silence (laughs) not knowing how to process the day.

“Perhaps we should employ the use of female breasts to solve all the world’s problems. Female breasts will heal the world — or at least, the world of the frigid gorillas in 1950s St. Louis.

“When I heard about this column, I knew there was no other story that would hold a candle to the level of deep shame I felt. I was feeling anger when I got home at the end of that day, but my boyfriend and I had this dinner reservation, and by the time we went to dinner, I was a shell of a human. It was definitely a memorable birthday.”

#Masters of Sex #Lizzy Caplan #Virginia Johnson #Michael Sheen #Bill Masters #Monkey Business

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bylrlvr · 2 years

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people i would trust enough to let them take part in creating byler’s storyline in s5:

• taika waititi. because. yes.

• shawn levy. because he has directed some of the best and most thrilling episodes. i also believe he is a byler at his core, and would not do them dirty. we thank you for your service king

• the byler fix-it fic writers. because you work harder than the devil, and your works need to be acknowledged and beautifully displayed on screen

• jeff t guy. because we need a lot of [tender, emotional music] subtitles included in s5 for obvious reasons

• taylor swift. because her songs are so bylercore, and she has a unique way of putting subtexts and coded messages in her storytelling as well

• noah schnapp. because he would put his whole schnussy into every scene with finn wolfhard and even improvise an unscripted kiss. he is a major byler, if you can’t tell by the 18372 times he has mentioned that. he is super talented too. even when the sufferbags decided to give him 10 mins of screen time in a whole season, he slayed every frame he was in

• finn wolfhard. because he would absolutely Nail It. i know he is itching to beat his bad actor allegations, the worst boyfriend in the world allegations, and the asshole friend allegations. he also needs to maintain his reputation as playing the struggling queer boy in love with his best friend. and this time with a happy ending (cough cough not end up like reddie)

• conan gray. because “let me tell you a story, about a boy and a boy. best friends with each other, but always wished they were more. cuz they loved one another, but never together, cuz they were too afraid of what they’d say. moved to different states”

• brett gelman. because he is for byler if byler is for byler. he would make sure to have murray spend some thought-provoking alone-time with the disaster gays

• leigh janiak. because she directed fear street and is the wife of ross duffer. she could convince her husband to bring a little more fruitiness into st (as @super-nova5045 mentioned <3)

• the 58k and counting people of the byler tag. because i mean, look at us. we literally glow. a lot of us here have already visioned our own versions of how s5 byler would evolve, in our heads. imagine the power we would have if we got to brainstorm all those concepts in the writers’ room. we deserve to put our genius ideas onto the tv screens of people who call us delusional. and also we remember will’s birthday ha

end slideshow

#byler #that is all for today #thank you

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trashlie · 16 days

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ILY FP 258

I can't believe we're actually passed episode 250 lmao I Love Yoo is truly the never ending story (affectionate). I appreciate how much of the story we really get to dig into at this pace and while I know a lot of people have long-since dropped it, I imagine the rest of us (those reading this post because why else are you here?) also appreciate it. And that's what is even more refreshing about this episode - if refreshing is even a word we can use to describe it. Getting the extra scenes from other characters, a look at their lives and from these glimpses, what we can glean in the unsaid between the lines.

Can you believe I used to prey on Kousuke's downfall? There's so many posts of me talking about him from a different view, believing that the only way he could grow and develop and make the changes necessary to make him a better person was for him to crash and burn, to fail so significantly that he would be forced to pen his eyes to reality. But here we are, me, fervently swaddling him up like a baby and shoving him into my pocket because GOD he needs to be protected.

I don't even remember when it was, that my view on him began to shift, when I went from "he's interesting but awful" to "GOD THIS IS MY SON AND I WILL FIGHT EVERYONE YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH ME" but.... lol there's no going back!

That's enough rambling, let's jump in.

There is something so painfully devastating about every time ILY confirms to us something we have long-since known or suspected through nuance, foreshadowing, reading between the lines, etc: That Kousuke isn't Rand's biological son, that Shinae was at the formal for Gun Kim, that Kousuke has been manipulated his whole life. Nothing in this episode regarding Kousuke is actually new to us. We have known, and talked about, for months and months long before the confirmation reveal that Yui drugs Kousuke - that he has been manipulated by her his entire life, that she orchestrated his life to manipulate him into situations she could take advantage of. It's the way she spoke about Rand's affair around Kousuke, the way she commodified Rand's love so Kousuke became convinced he'd never earned his father's love, the way she spoke of their family vs others and convinced him from such a young age that everyone was out to get them, to destroy them, and that he couldn't let them get close, couldn't let them near - and how Nol was very much a target planted in his mind.

But it's the fact that he is speaking of this and acknowledging it! Until now, Kousuke has heavily lived in denial. Again, we know this. We talk a lot about the chasm between reality and the reality he believes in. We talk a lot about how Kousuke couldn't face reality, even though on some level he knew everything he believed and was told was not quite true not quite real, but that he was so afraid of the truth, he couldn't do it. Kousuke admitting that he's been driven by fear and envy explains everything about him, and why he could not accept the only unwavering unconditional love he was offered.

A few weeks ago I saw a video on instagram of this father talking about a conversation he had with his daughter, who was feeling a little uncomfortable with her friend group. A new girl started to play with her and her best friend and she said she wasn't exactly jealous, but that maybe it was that she was afraid that there wasn't enough love to go around. Her dad had to explain to her that love is not like a pizza - it's not finite, a limited amount that could be taken and hogged by someone else. But Kousuke never learned this. His father's love was commodified and he was made to fear this other kid who he mistakenly believed knew a version of his father he'd never been privy to. He never learned that love is finite, that Rand could have enough love for the both of them, and feared that Nol would hog it all - that he WAS hogging it all because whether or not it was good or bad, Nol received more attention that Kousuke did. And that speaks VOLUMES about how Kousuke sees Rand, what he thinks of their relationship. In his mind, he is still unworthy, that he's not noteworthy enough.

This part gets to me so badly. We, as omniscient readers, know that Rand has tried his best, but that Yui runs a spectacular interference with which he can't compete, largely because of the roles their family have placed them in - Rand the busy businessman, Yui the mommy homemaker. But no matter how hard he tries, it isn't good enough. Rand tries to reach Kousuke, but the manipulation and paranoia are so far gone that the times Rand does have the chance to convey his feelings, Kousuke can't even believe it, because he thinks he's not good enough to deserve that love, that he hasn't fully qualified for it yet. And despite that, Nol, who Kousuke feels hasn't done half of what he has to deserve Rand's love, gets the attention. It doesn't matter that it's negative attention, that Rand barks at Nol, that Nol feels Rand hates and regrets him, because ultimately, it's still more than Kousuke receives. And worse, to him, every time Rand is busy reprimanding Nol, he turns away from Kousuke to do it.

I want to make it clear that this is a deep trauma point of Kousuke's. He's never learned healthy love and the only person who gave him healthy love was someone he was set to fear and fight. Something I think about a lot is the flashback to Kousuke, in the bushes, watching Nessa and Nol's display of warm affection, before Yui appears literally looming before him. In that moment, he witnesses something he's been deprived of. "We're not like other families"'. He's told from a young age he shouldn't compare himself to those healthy families, to warm and affectionate relationships that he will not cultivate in this household. From such a young age it is normalized, that they aren't like others, that they are cold and distant. From a young age, he's made to stuff down his feelings, his tender wants and desires, in order to earn them. To be a good little boy who makes his parents proud. To make his father look his way.

There's also something about the way he says "I've been a good boy" that echoes Shinae learning she's been manipulated by Yui, devastated and angry and yelling about how she's been a good girl so why do these things keep happening to her, all she wanted to do was help her dad. Two people who, from a young age, felt they had to be so obedient, so good, to not be a burden, and despite following the rules, despite doing as they were told, despite trying to be whatever version of "good" they believed in, the world still beat them up and mistreated them. The world still punished them.

As Rin in our discord server pointed out, though, to some degree, Kousuke is very much a person who can - and does - act out, when he's emotionally high-strung. He's a volatile man, and it's largely to do with the fact that he's been drugged to placate him for so long. He never learned emotional regulation, he never learned how to deal with high-stress situations or to face conflict or to own up to things. This is something that some readers who hate Kousuke and expect him to act a certain way because of his age are missing. You don't just learn these things with age. You learn them with experience and Kousuke was deprived of the opportunity TO have those experiences. He never had to learn these behaviors, and now as an adult he cannot function when overwhelmed.

Idk this whole episode is just heartbreaking. It's devastating. I remember when I was someone praying on Kousuke's downfall and now I want to take it all back ;___; I always believed he had to crash and burn to be able to see the world for what it really was and to face his fears, but this is somehow so much worse.

And even though he's drunk, I don't think he's going to forget all of this in the morning. Rather, I think what he's voicing are things that have been plaguing him since waking up in the hospital. From that moment, we saw him wary and distrustful of his mother, we saw his concern for Nol rising above everything else, but grappling with the understanding that he doesn't deserve to stand in front of Nol anymore. These aren't epiphanies coming to him just because he's drunk; it's more like he's only voicing them because he's drunk. But even when he sobers up, he will probably still be haunted by these fears, these agonies, these truths, this understanding.

How does he face his mother after this? How does he face anyone? He may not even feel like he can trust Jayce - who while very kind to him, is still employed by his family. He may not even feel like he can trust Hansuke (though I really hope that's not the case).

He's so miserable and it genuinely hurts to have him lay it all out for us - everything we've known and suspected, like how it was so painfully clear he WANTED Nol's friendship, their brotherhood, but feared it, didn't believe that there was enough love to go around, that there could only be one of them and that even if it was for good or bad reasons, Nol cast him in the shadow. And all these years, watching as Nol, as Yeonggi, grew into this person who sounded so very much like this unknown version of their father, someone funny who makes others laugh, someone goofy, someone so boyish in the ways Kousuke was never allowed to be. Watching as he gathers friends, while Kousuke, so unlikeable, is wanted only for his money, for his status, for the clout.

He doesn't even know WHO HE IS! Questioning his own traits he's believed of himself, wondering if this is even him, if these parts of him are real or does he just act it, say it, pretend it, while trying to fulfill a role he was shoved into. That makes me feel SO deeply sad, because it's something I've been anticipating for so long: Kousuke wondering WHO he really is, how much of him is real and how much of it is the result of manipulation.

And that moment that he catches himself and says no no that's offensive and rude you can't be like that. ;AAA;

For him to admit how much he envies others, how much he craves the kind of connection others have, the kind of family others have, to feel that love and warmth that he's been deprived of, forced to endure this solitude because, as he believes, he didn't get the good parts of Rand. And what will happen when he learns that Rand isn't his father? That he never stood a chance to inherit any of those traits. Kousuke has operated on this belief that, if he tries hard enough, he can earn the things he craves, but I fear learning about his parenthood will make him think that no matter how hard he tried, he would never earn that, because none of it was ever him, could have gone to him.

I think this is where Shinae, in the future, will come in. I feel so very strongly that she will be someone who helps Kousuke to see that this isn't true, that these kinds of personality traits aren't something inherited, but rather something learned. For him to one day realize it's the paralyzing fear that holds him back, not his genetics. Of course, I acknowledge this will still take a lot of therapy but...

Something else very remarkable to me is the way Kousuke recognizes Shinae in Shinhye, because their eyes "feel the same" and he opens up to her - on some level, whether or not he is consciously aware of it, Kousuke knows, or maybe just wants to, that he can trust Shinae. That she is someone who is safe. He even knows how she feels about his mother. I don't think we'll see a lot of Kousuke and Shinae's friendship until we're passed our timeskips, but it makes me feel a little hopeful about it, that she'll be able to reach him, because she feels like someone who is safe. It's the way he sees Nol in her and wants to try to have that do over, a relationship with someone who has unconditional love for him. It's the way he knows he mistreated Nol, that it was wrong, that he took it all out on this kid he was so afraid of because he had no other outlet, and he wants to do better but knows that there's nothing to salvage anymore.

But also, it just makes me hope more and more that in the future we WILL see a reconciliation between the brothers. As I say every time, it doesn't mean they have to become brothers or friends, but I just want them to see each other fully. Kousuke knows what he did to Nol. He doesn't deny it, even if he might not say it out loud unless he's drunk. But Nol is still so in the dark. Yujing is trying to tip him off and make him aware of it, but I hope one day when Nol realizes it, when he finds out that Kousuke, too, was Yui's victim, that he wasn't the only one, that Kousuke was made to fear Nol's love, he might.... understand. I'm saying understand here loosely because I don't want people to get the idea that I mean Nol will forgive him and Kousuke will be justified, but rather that Nol would be able to understand why Kousuke felt that way, and move on. But I can't help but hope that it will lead to an understanding, a reconciliation, where maybe they can try to be in each other's lives.

I think it's also interesting that Shinhye was somewhat honest, even if she wasn't very forthcoming, with Kousuke about her own family. It sounds like her mother has been gone for a long time, that she's been on her own the whole while, and I think it reinforces the idea that she believes both that Simhan is her father and that he rejected her, that he didn't want anything to do with her. It lines up, too, with how she feels that he wouldn't react well if he saw her (although I think she credited that to looking like their mother). In the same way that Shinae has felt abandoned and cast aside by their mother, Shinhye probably thinks their father never tried reach out, to find them, to maintain a relationship with her. Or perhaps it's that her mother fed her lies about him, made her believe him a different type of man, made her believe there would never be anything of their relationship to salvage. And given that she's the one who Kousuke opened to, it makes me think that there must be some kind of parallel there; the way she mentioned her own mother feels like maybe her mother, too, was a manipulative - or at the very least, dishonest - person.

I don't speculate a lot on Shinhye because frankly I don't think I know enough about her to really try to talk about her, but I do think that it's very likely there's some kind of connection between Shinhye and the Hirahras or Gun. To be clear, I don't believe she's working with Yui at all. I think it's more like... Alyssa isn't the only girl who has been trafficked by Gun. What's the likelihood that Shinae and Shinhye's mother was? Given her history, the gambling addiction that was so egregious her reputation haunted Shinae and chased her to a new neighborhood and school, was she seeking money somewhere else, somewhere more dangerous? Is that part of why they had to change their name? There's so many questions left about them, and I look forward to learning more about her, but, much like with Alyssa, I think it will take time and be dropped in little tidbits like this - things to read into and try to glean something from.

And maybe we'll see more of this duo in the future? It would feel a little weird to give them this one single run in, but I'm not entirely sure. Quimchee likes to keep us on our toes. After all, Minhyuk and Shinhye have also had only the one run in. Still, I think it would be interesting to watch, if Shinhye ever felt.... I want to say maybe compelled? to dig in more to Kousuke, ever feel a kind of kinship. I don't think she'll open up to him at all, but rather, maybe she'd keep going back because a. he's wealthy and there's more she can nick from him (assuming he doesn't realize she stole anything while in his apartment, if he even remembers any of this) and b. wanting to gather more intel.

Like I said though, she's hard to read so I don't want to cling too hard to any ideas and, instead, sit back and enjoy the show.

#ILY Brainrot #ILY FP #ILY Spoilers #I Love Yoo #Kousuke Hirahara #Shinhye #idk what to tag her as because we know she isn't known as Shinhye anymore #and because Simhan and their mother never married AND she was from a previous relationship Yoo isn't even her family name #so I can't really use Shinhye Yoo lol #alas #anyway this episode was DEVASTATING and quimchee said it's the beginning of the sad episodes meant to happen in March #literally said 'It's all downhill from here'#which I take to mean til the timeskip #BUCKLE UP BABIES WE'RE GOING FOR A BIG CRY SESH ;______;#i gotta say tho this episode didn't even make me cry - i guess because none of this is new and I've been bracing myself for it #Kousuke is so fucking wet cat it agonizes me ;_____;#I could write a whole essay on how Yui destroyed him and Nol in one fell swoop #i think a lot about precocious little Kousuke who tried so hard to be a good little boy and rushed through school because he wanted so badl #to hurry up and catch up to his father and join him in the workplace #all the opportunities he lost #the way he tried to fit himself into a personality a person he never picked out but just believed would get him what he wanted #he lost himself in the process #or maybe he never even got to know himself #i think too a lot about Kousuke who played piano and gave it up when he came to believe it wasn't important to his dad #that it didn't garner the attention and praise he seeked #so he dropped it to better mold himself into someone he thought Rand WOULD be proud of #FUCKING DEVASTATED #I'M GOING TO JUMP OFF THE ROOF SOBS

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