#(sometimes involving partners who are also probably aro themselves)

[infizero]

every lovejoy song is actually about aromanticism because i said so

#i view every single lovejoy song (that has to do with romance) as being sung from the pov of someone who is aro but hasnt realized it yet #(sometimes involving partners who are also probably aro themselves) #every time wilbur soot sings about getting bored in a relationship im like hehehehe........ gee i wonder why #all the lyrics in warsaw being like rahhh just get me out of this relationship its so boring #(sings ''im yours im yours im yours'' in a way that sounds like its painful) #and then ofc. the classics that everyone knows #hold on i want to make a compilation #i know others have but this is based on my own interpretations #serena.txt

[oh-my-im-ply]

I don't see these slogans used as often as I used to, but I still want to talk about it, especially as a polysexual trans person. Be it as a retrospective, or as commentary aimed towards anyone who might still use these slogans today.

"[Bi/pan/mspec people] fall in love with a person, not a gender" and "[Bi/pan/mspec people care about] hearts, not parts!" are really bad slogans. Here's why.

"[Bi/pan/mspec people] fall in love with a person, not a gender" invalidates the love experienced by those whose attraction is impacted by gender, and erases many aromantic mspec folk who don't fall in love.

Falling in love with a whole person is not unique to those who experience attraction to all genders, or regardless of gender. This slogan implies that if you aren't attracted to all genders, or aren't attracted to people regardless of gender, it's impossible to love people for their entire being... "You just love the gender they have."

I'm a polysexual lesbian. I experience physical and emotional attraction to many genders, but I am not attracted to binary men. Gender impacts who I'm attracted to, who I'm comfortable being physically intimate with, and who I'm comfortable being partners with... But that doesn't mean my love is just about gender.

I identified as bi/pan for years, largely in part because of this rhetoric. I struggled to accept who I am and how I really feel, and a lot of it was fueled by slogans like this one. I felt like I had to give all genders a chance, because if I didn't, that would invalidate my love. I felt like I owed it to binary men to try... and to try... and to try again. Because, how could I really love someone if I wasn't willing to set gender aside?

(Among other reasons, because it was a very complex issue.)

And not only does this slogan invalidate the gendered love that many people experience, but it also erases mspecs who don't fall in love to begin with. Bi/pan/mspec people who are aromantic (or on the aromantic spectrum) exist too, including those who never fall in love.

Please don't devalue or invalidate gendered love by implying that it's less about the person than non-gendered love. Slogans like these harm mono-spec LG+ people, multi-spec people who don't fall in love, multi-spec people who aren't attracted to all genders, and even multi-spec people who are attracted to all genders in different ways.

Please don't use this slogan.

"Hearts, not parts" as a bi/pan/mspec slogan is not only dismissive of other sexualities/orientations, but also carries cissexist and endosexist connotations.

Using this as a bi/pan/mspec slogan implies that a person's "parts" are inherently relevant to other orientations. It implies that gender and "parts" are inherently linked. It implies that transgender and intersex people with certain genitals are inherently excluded from certain orientations, even if those orientations include their gender.

Genital preferences are not an inherent aspect of any orientation. In addition to that, some bi/pan/mspec people have genital preferences themselves. Because, ultimately, none of these orientations are defined by genital preferences or lack thereof; they're defined by how gender does or does not factor into one's attraction.

Not only that, but this slogan can also be alienating to bi/pan/mspec people who are romance-averse/repulsed, loveless aros, and heartless aros, for reasons that are probably obvious. Sometimes, it just isn't even about "hearts" to begin with, and that's okay.

The "hearts, not parts" slogan only works if used to explain the experiences of sex-averse/repulsed love-favorable people, because then "parts" refers to genitals in general, rather than associating specific genitals with specific genders.

Please only use "hearts, not parts" to explain how a person can be in love without having sex involved. Please don't use it as a bi/pan/mspec slogan. It originated during a time when transgender, intersex, and aromantic awareness was even less common, and it shows.

These are just my personal thoughts, but I hope that you take them to heart (no pun intended) and consider dropping these slogans if you haven't already.

#Mod Kylo #polysexual #polyromantic #polyalterous #polysensual #polyaesthetic #plysexual #plyromantic #polisexual #poliromantic #ply #bisexual #biromantic #bi #pansexual #panromantic #pan #omnisexual #omniromantic #pluralian #mspec #lgbt #lgbtq #lgbtqia #queer #hearts not parts #text post #gif

[jaskierswolf]

hi im thinking of hosting some kind of ace / aro / platonic kind of week in another fandom but im not completely sure how to do such a thing. i am ace (and probably aro) but ppl that have expressed interest in partaking that arent, say they arent sure how to write respectfully ace or aro content, and that maybe there should be some guidelines (the only one that really comes to mind is dont make it all 'without a romantic partner im lesser / incomplete'). thoughts?

Hello!

It depends how formal you want the event to be you could set up something like @thewitchertransweek which had prompts, a blog, and a discord. Oh and an AO3 collection. That encourages lots of people to get involved, and the prompts are great for inspiring different ideas.

When I've done things for ace and aro week in the witcher. It's been a personal thing. I've asked for prompts and encouraged my friends to write things too if they have time/energy. I've also met friends through it because people have reached out having read the fics and seen themselves represented for the first time.

In terms of guidelines and being respectful, my best advice is to read fics and books featuring ace/aro characters. Look up articles, wikis, other media written by ace/aro people, and honestly remember that it is a spectrum.

Ace is defined as a lack of sexual attraction. This has nothing to do with wanting sex, libido etc. You can be ace and still be sex positive. It's just not finding people sexually attractive. Alternatively, you can be ace and never want anything to do with sex, and reallly most things in between. Some people like it hypothetically but not involving them, others feel attraction sometimes but always. This is the same with aro, just with romantic attraction.

Look up a glossary of ace/aro identities. Tell different stories with different parts of the spectrum, have fun exploring how this can challenge your writing.

You are right though. Being ace/aro isn't all doom and gloom. I don't mind stories that have a character struggling with their ace/aro identity, but for me it's always more rewarding to see a character being supported if they are struggling, or just happy with who they are.

I hope this makes sense! If you have any more specific questions I'd be happy to answer!

_

Also a quick reminder that I'm taking prompts for Ace week next month if anyone want to send in any witchery ones! I still have spaces left 💜💚

#wolfie replies #asexual #aromantic #ace week #fandom stuff

[absentcaryatid]

Mingi Serves His Country

An ATEEZ fanfic by AbsentCaryatid

Takes place in JC World after Jongho’s Beloved, 1.3K words

Mingi's wife the reader and Jongho continue to enjoy their queerplatonic relationship. As the time of Mingi's compulsory enlistment nears, he finds a very suitable way to serve the country matching both his talents and his health needs.

Content note: aromantic Jongho in a queerplatonic relationship with she/her reader who is also married to Mingi, mention of military service and Mingi seeing his therapist, food

~

“If you need someone who can love you while he's gone Baby, you got my number, got my number When you realize, it ain't him that's on your mind Baby, you got my number, got my number

So who you gonna call when you want to? Do them things he won't do?”

Jongho blanched and stopped singing the moment he noticed you walk into the living room.

“I can not believe how lucky I am to get a solo Jongho concert all to myself. 'Got My Number' by Monsta X too, nice choice. You’ll make a Monbebe of me yet if you keep that up.” You gave a light peck to his cheek in greeting then sat on the couch to recover from your day at KQ where you worked as vice president under your uncle CEO Kim.

He looked at you, embarrassed. “I did not realize you were home already. Please ignore the words, I have no hidden desire to intrude on your relationship with Mingi while he is in the military.”

Wanting to pat his arm in reassurance, but knowing your queerplatonic partner was selective about the times he wanted touch, you stuck to words instead. “You never have to worry about the lyrics in songs around me. I don’t pay much attention to them, and with my auditory processing disorder it is all mondegreens to me anyway. Besides, I know you are firmly aromantic and will never assume otherwise unless you talk to me about it. Keep singing if you wish, I’ll always enjoy it.”

“Thank you for understanding.” Jongho looked relieved. You had been in your ‘more than friends but not lovers’ relationship for some time now and things had been going well, including adjusting to the recent change of living together. Still, there were sometimes hiccups, as there were in any partnership, but it was always easy to talk them over.

“Being aro you have spent your adult years making sure people don’t mistake friendliness as romantic attraction. Understandably that is a hard habit to break even with me. Certainly I wasn’t going to believe you wanted me to call you on the phone when you are so reachable in person after moving in.”

Jongho grinned. “I have trouble remembering I don’t have to commute to see you anymore. Leaving the dorm was not such a difficult choice with so many gone into service and Yunho headed to an apartment of his own as soon as he gets out. San and Wooyoung probably enjoy the privacy of having the place to themselves until their turn comes.”

“It is a funny thing to think the ATEEZ dorm will stand empty once they enlist until Seonghwa is the first to return.” You laughed to yourself, “We can always take him in here for a while if being alone is not his style after you guys then living in barracks. Of course he might like the chance to live by himself until Hongjoong and Yeosang return, probably for the first time in his life. Seonghwa only has a few more months to go and I want to see him the next visiting day. Come along if you wish.”

“I’d like that. I have missed my oldest brother.” A growl of his stomach brought Jongho’s thoughts back to the immediate present. “If you have no dinner plans I would like to get some barbecue delivered. That work for you and Mingi?”

“Oh yes. He’ll be back from his therapy appointment soon and it always leaves him ravenous. The regular check-ins help him stay on an even keel but the brain work involved tires him more than dancing.” As your queerplatonic partner made the order from his phone you set the table. In no time at all, your husband arrived home followed soon after by the drop-off of delicious food.

Recalling your own days as a driver for your family’s fried chicken restaurant, you made sure to leave a great review online to make sure her bosses knew about her courteous performance. She had certainly borne the surprise well meeting two celebrities at the door and very professionally did not ask the men for a selfie despite her obvious recognition. When Jongho offered one however, she eagerly took the pair up on it.  

Over the meal Mingi had an announcement to make about his future. Given the severity of his anxiety diagnosis, it had not been a certain thing that he would be conscripted. The military was prepared to exempt him on medical grounds but his therapist had suggested Mingi was fit for a civilian posting. The work would benefit his self-esteem and give an identity outside ATEEZ and so it came to pass within the season.

His assignment as Public Safety Officer Song Mingi after the necessary training allowed him to keep living at home which pleased you immensely when you had been facing years away from your husband. While many men would find it belittling to be assigned school crossing guard duty, Mingi was born for the role and wore his uniform proudly. You had always thought he had the skills to be a teacher the way he interacted so respectfully with children, and his success at the new job was proof.

While everyone else knew him as Mr. Song, there were two students who called him Uncle Mingi, his niece and nephew, your brother's children. The elementary schoolers loved Mr. Song. He would make them laugh as they waited to cross then lead them in random dances to the other side. He learned all their names and they were proud to report their improving test scores or facts they had learned. Best of all, Mingi came home to you every night instead of living with other recruits. Those two years of a steady schedule were some of the happiest in your life together. Mingi fit in some ATEEZ activities but mostly was able to refresh himself creatively.

In a surprise move, he was the second member after Jongho to record a solo album. Putting his rap skills to use, with his charges as test subjects, he had developed quite a repertoire of educational songs. He wrote mnemonics to assist in memorizing math tables, science and geography songs aligned with the elementary curriculum, and some very catchy history rhymes covering notable women and the dynasties. While not a chart topper, the album was popular with teachers and students, even in the versions sold without Mingi’s smiling face on the CD cover of ‘Sing Along With Mr. Song.’

When the time came to end his term of duty, he was sad to say goodbye to the children but recharged and ready to throw himself back into the hectic life of songwriting and performing alongside his senior teammates. With the youngest members of ATEEZ serving in the military still, and Jongho only recently enlisted, it would be some time before the group was complete again so he did have room to perform individually at school assemblies.

Mingi loved both sides of his career and gave every appearance the same level of dedication. Once upon a time he had thought winning a Grammy was going to be the highlight of his career, that occasion was topped when he made a guest appearance on Bbo Bbo Bbo, the Korean version of Sesame Street, a show he had grown up watching and now helped relaunch. Getting to rap with G-Dragon who had been on the show as a child was a particular treat and had Hongjoong envious. Your nieces and nephews, children of your brother and more recently Mingi’s brother too, were proudest of this achievement on the part of their famous uncle.

~ On to The ATEEZ Family Grows

Masterlist

#ATEEZ #ATEEZ Fanfic #ATEEZ Fluff #Kpop Fanfic #Kpop Fluff #queerplatonic relationship #Jongho #Mingi #Song Mingi #ATEEZ Mingi #JC World #cross posted on ao3 #aromantic #Aromantic main character #aromanticism

[ineffable-endearments]

Okay. Now I'm going to submit some theories about how I think Crowley and Aziraphale specifically are going to go in the future of Good Omens.

Again, this post is not really...specific theorizing about plot events. It's big-picture stuff.

With that said, this post will get a bit heavy at times, in the sense that it will contain opinions that not everyone will like. It drifted into rambling about queerbaiting and all that stuff. I'm not going to spam anyone's dashboard with drama over it, but it's very possible someone else might try. It's also not really a negative post, depending on what you want to hear, I suppose. But if you're only in the mood to read fluff today, you'll probably want to pass it up.

Oh! Also it's very long, and sexuality is discussed in a vague way that doesn't involve any story elements or body parts.

For starters, I don't think Good Omens 2 - or even 3, if that comes about - is going to have anything explicitly sexual or romantic between the two of them, where "explicit" is things like the characters giving outright definitions of their relationship or outright discussing exactly what goes on between them, either on or off-screen. I also don't think there's going to be kissing or "hooking up" (come on...that person on Twitter shouldn't have even asked). Those actions are too blatant for what Neil has already said about the series. While they technically leave some room for interpretation, they probably don't leave enough.

I DO think it's quite possible other characters will continue to define the relationship FOR them and Crowley and Aziraphale will continue to not deny it.

As far as the queerbaiting debate, "is Good Omens queerbaiting"...it's gonna depend how you define it. I always learned that queerbaiting was basically where the creators intentionally make it look like a character is gay or otherwise queer but then swap that character development out for a cis identity and hetero relationship at the end. The point is that the "bait" leads to queer audiences being actively hurt. That's the behavior that seems awful to me, and I don't see Neil and company doing that.

However, I think it's far and away the most likely option that it will be left up to interpretation whether Crowley and Aziraphale are, you know, a buddy duo or a romantic couple or some sort of ineffable queerness all their own off-screen. So if your definition of queerbaiting is "the characters seem gay to us, but homophobes can tell themselves they're not," then yes, I think that debate will follow us to our graves if we let it.

I am a cisgender, possibly straight (?? demi/bi? I might never find out) woman. There is absolutely no way I could ever tell anybody, ESPECIALLY not gay guys and nonbinary people - the people Crowley and Aziraphale tend to resemble the most - how to feel about their treatment in the story. All I can offer is that I'm one flawed individual and there are things I have the emotional capacity to handle and things I don't. Crowley and Aziraphale as both a canon construct and a fandom pairing mean an absurd amount to me, and I can't hang around in spaces where people are constantly talking about how my own interpretations of them are not enough, or how the story is written with ill intentions. I don't want to stop anybody from venting about it, but I am going to be removing myself from those situations.

I like to imagine 1990 NeilandTerry, or TerryandNeil, as a sort of two-headed God who came up with Crowley and Aziraphale, set them loose on Creation, and now are watching them get up to way more ridiculous stuff in the brains of their fans than they'd ever imagined in the first place. I like to imagine them watching, amused and bemused, as their creations fall in love in thousands of universes, and saying, "Well, we didn't specifically Plan for this, but we did promise free will."

This is psychoanalytical toward a public figure and is therefore a bit dangerous, so please take it with an entire mountain of salt, but I sometimes think perhaps Neil sees some of his and Terry's friendship in Crowley and Aziraphale, and suspect that he wants to reserve the possibility that they could be platonic because he and Terry were platonic, while at the same time leaving room for the fans to have their own interpretations, too. Because if there's one thing that comes up really frequently with Neil, it's his belief in imagination and how much stories matter to people. He can have his little corner of the universe where A and C reflect himself and Terry, and we can have...literally anything we want, as long as we're willing to extrapolate just a little bit from canon. It's not even that much extrapolation! It's just "Yes, they love each other, so what exactly does love mean to you?" and if love means kissing, well then, if we can think it, we can have it.

Given that Neil has written LGBT+ characters before, I think he has non-bigoted reasons for wanting Aziraphale and Crowley to remain undefined, and given even the small chance that those reasons may involve the grieving process for a dead friend, I believe it is unkind to argue with him about it or hold his reputation hostage over it.

With that said, do I want canon kissing/hooking up/all that stuff we put in fics? Listen, I can't deny that I do! Personally, I'd be over the moon. I'd probably be so happy I'd have to go to the hospital to get sorted out. Even the thought of it makes me giddy and light-headed, because that physicality is a part of my own experience of love.

However, there are a lot of people who would feel left behind if that happened. Ace and aro people in the fandom whose love for their friends and partners is just as strong as mine, but who are sex-repulsed or just don't want to see kissing on-screen. The loss of Crowley and Aziraphale as a pairing who are extremely easy to interpret as queerplatonic would be hurtful to them, and I do not want to see them hurt like that. I don't think Neil does, either.

So, once again, the "best for everyone" option becomes a really strong canon relationship based in both narrative function and profound affection, which has genuinely thoughtful queer undertones and leaves open the logical possibility for romantic or sexual encounters but does not insist that they must happen. People, especially fans who are super invested, tend to have an easier time imagining scenarios that take place off-screen (e.g. kissing, sex) than they have erasing scenarios that they've already seen in canon (e.g., if someone wished they could continue viewing it as an ace relationship but they were shown "hooking up"). Also, while relationships are super emotional and extremely subjective, I'd argue that in a long-term adult partnership, the non-sexual connection is more important than the sexual one. As a fan, I'd prefer to extrapolate "they love each other so maybe they'd have sex" rather than "they're sexually attracted to each other so maybe they'll intertwine their whole existences together."

It probably isn't necessary to add, but I will anyway: I'm aware that Good Omens is sort of sacrificing social leverage - the ability to whack homophobes over the head with canon if they try to deny the show's queerness - and is thus not really contributing to making specifically gay relationships more widely seen and accepted. However, I don't think all stories have to invest heavily in every social issue they touch on for them to still be meaningful. I also do think Good Omens is an excellent example of a relationship that is extremely profound without being heteronormative.

I don't think the next season is going to be a rom-com. It will likely not even be a "love story," where the definition of "love story" is "a story that follows the development of a relationship and employs certain plot beats to make its point." Remember that conflicts and breakups are key to love stories, so if it IS a love story, then we're going to have to watch the relationship get challenged in ways some of us might have thought were already resolved in season 1! And while that could be thrilling and ultimately very good, it would also be likely to undercut some of the careful headcanoning and analysis we've already done. Any sequel is going to do that to some degree, but a second love story would probably do it a lot, with interpretations that people are even more protective of.

I'm sort of thinking the next season is likely to be a fantasy-heavy mystery, only because those are the two concepts Neil's introduction led with - an angel with amnesia who presents Crowley and Aziraphale with a mystery. Crowley and Aziraphale's connection to each other can still absolutely be a major theme! It can still be the thread stitching the plot together! It just probably, in my opinion, won't escalate and escalate and escalate like it did in season 1. And it will probably be woven in there among a lot of other plot threads that are, in many moments, louder. Still, I'd love to be left with the impression of these two existences, the light and the dark, subtly becoming more intimate, subtly growing more comfortable in this shared place they've chosen in the universe, gradually starting to behave like they know they aren't alone in the world anymore, all while other things happen to and around them.

Nonsexual physical intimacy - a really great hug, or leaning together on the sofa, or a forehead touch, or something like those, something that could happen in a lot of different kinds of relationships but is undoubtedly based in deep trust and affection and a desire to be close...that's the dream, for me. Oh, how lovely it would be.

Of course, I could be just absolutely, embarrassingly wrong about all this. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

I can’t really tell if I’m aro? I thought that I have crushes, but they could be squishes or something, idk. I feel the whole light and airy and bloomy feeling, daydreaming about being their friend. I feel all that flowery feeling and can’t help but to think, this can’t be platonic, because up till now every feeling like that I’ve seen portrayed is romantic. I think I have a “crush” on someone rn, and I think who it is might change things, because they’re a youtuber. (I know I know, feel free to bully me lmao) So I know that there is slim to none chance of even ever meeting them, let alone being friends or dating. So it’s SafeTM. I don’t really think I want dating. It sounds cute in theory, but in action not so much. But I feel like I can’t say that confidently because of my rather small expierence pool. Every relationship I’ve been it, I didn’t like, really like them. It just kinda. Happened. I kept thinking maybe one would work when I found someone I actually liked, or that after a while I would begin to like them back. I’m in a relationship rn, but a bit after the one month mark, I called off the romantic part, because I was just getting more and more uncomfortable with it. I only felt really strong platonic or queerplatonic emotion for the guy I’m with, I think. At first I was fine and happy just to be recognized as important to him, and kept up the happiness with that while ignoring the terror of romance, but after the hype dies down a little more, and the repulsion to romance doesn’t, it gets a bit harder to ignore. We’ve switched to platonic, which I’m much more happy with. I feel a bit sad I can’t give him the romantic feelings he wants, though. I quickly got off topic. Just. Idk how to accept that platonic/queerplatonic feelings can be just as strong as romantic ones. I know it in theory, but far from practice. My brain keeps telling me that someone can’t make me feel all butterfly-y without it being romantic, so I’ve always assumed I got crushes really easily. And another thing too is that I love reading about romance in fanfic, but now that I’ve started questioning, sometimes I just think that “hey, you’ll never feel this” while reading and get sad, because it sounds nice. Idk I just. Help :(

So it sounds like you’ve kind of got it figured out already these crushes probably aren’t romantic. And honestly my guess would be that it’s a squish, which can have a lot of the same symptoms as romantic attraction, except the one big difference that it’s completely platonic. 

Honestly it’s hard, we grow up in this culture that tells us every single attraction feeling is romantic and when you don’t experience romantic attraction it’s so easy to mistake other types of attraction as romantic attraction. And add on to that the pressure for romance and romantic partners to be the most important thing and it can mess with our heads. 

For dealing with these feelings, definitely read up on amatonormativity, and especially on it from the perspective of aro people. And a lot of aro bloggers talk about this, and you can search through tumblr or goog amatonormativity aromantic and you’ll get a lot of results. But you can also follow blogs that talk about this sometimes too. But learning the theory behind it can help with unlearning. 

Another thing that can help a lot is look at what messages you’re getting from the people around you/media you consume. So if there’s people in your life who are just really romance/partner obsessed, and really buy in to things like ‘the one’ and ‘soulmates’ either figuring out other things to talk about or spending less time around them can help. Romance in shows/movies also tends to be really amatormative too, and just lean heavily on that ‘this is the only way to be happy/everyone has a one’ kind of stuff, and for now I’d recommend avoiding it completely, including fanfiction. 

This isn’t forever, just until you’re in a better place emotionally and you can handle it better. But taking a break when it’s physically hurting is a really good idea.

And then to replace it, focus on other interests. Most people are really interested in something that has nothing to do with romance, and you can usually steer conversations to that. Or even other things going on in their life or yours. For media found family stuff is great, anything that involves people slowly becoming close and becoming their main family unit. So like something like Star Trek, but honestly there’s a lot of good stuff. Family focused stuff can be good too if you like that, and there’s some good shows/movies centered around family.

But basically you’re training your brain to recognize the importance of platonic relationships and seeing how meaningful those can be too. And the more you do the more you’ll believe it emotionally, and the less not having a romantic relationship will hurt. 

Personally I tend to look at romance a bit like chocolate, and people go on about how amazing chocolate is, and there are some people who just don’t like, and will never like it. And even if they force themselves to tolerate it, they still won’t get the same meaningful experience out of eating it that someone who really loves it will. And that’s also OK because there’s a lot of other food, and there’s a lot of other things to enjoy that have nothing to do with food at all. And frankly not liking or even not eating chocolate really isn’t that big a deal. And neither is not really getting anything out of having romantic relationships, because there’s a lot of other ways to find happiness, and a lot of other things that can be really fulfilling. Romance is great for some people, but it’s not the big most important thing in the world it’s made out to be.

Other things you can do could be hanging out in aro spaces/meeting other aros, reading aro media, etc. And that can help too with realising that a lot of people are aro and happy, and are comfortable being aro. And just in general can give you people you can relate to who are similar to you.

But yeah hopefully that’s helpful, and gives you a direction to go in. (Also there is nothing wrong with being attracted to youtubers! Don’t worry.)

All the best, and good luck!

#Anonymous

[potatopossums]

Idk man, sometimes I like the aromantic fb groups I follow, and other times I kind of hate the comments.

Uh yeah it's a long one. Affectionate aro-spec rant inbound.

Today, I was reading a thread about "allos developing feelings after sex" and how that was "such an alloromantic experience."

It felt fucking alienating.

Maybe I read "feelings" to mean something different than "instantly wants to marry/date this person." That is not my definition of "developing feelings." But the wording is so vague, and I don't have much of a vocabulary outside of these experiences. I mean, I still use decidedly alloromantic terminology sometimes, because I grew up with it for so long, and I find it difficult to use other terms, even if they're technically the correct definition for what I'm experiencing.

But my main gripe was really with this demonization of "feelings." Feelings of intimacy? Feelings of tenderness? Wanting to continue? Sure, it depends on the people involved; each relationship has its own rules and boundaries and goals. Aromantic people can easily do romantic-coded things and enjoy them. They can also just as easily avoid those things. That's up to personal choice, and I'm not knocking that.

But it bothered me how unanimous it was in that comments section that a casual sex partner expressing a desire to "do more than sex only" might be off-putting. Sure, I think the intention was that a sex partner suddenly wants to date you, and yeah, I would say no to that advance, too, were I in a similar position. But if a friendship/FWB/QPR formed organically from a casual sex situation? Sure.

And on the flipside, it also bothers me that sex can't possibly be seen as an emotionally bonding experience. Again, romance entirely aside, I would consider, especially as a largely demisexual person, that sex with someone I was actually physically attracted to would also involve emotions. It would enrich my relationship with that person. That doesn't make it romantic for me. My tendencies are just very close knit. I enjoy deep relationships and tend to despise surface level ones. This has more to do with my learned history of passivity, and less to do with romantic feelings. I don't feel romantic. I feel close. I desire closeness. That closeness can manifest in a lot of different ways. Romance, in my experience, likes to wear the costume of intimacy and parrot the lines, but it doesn't signify intimacy. Closeness comes from self and mutual honesty. And from some shit just lining up well.

Feelings (as in emotions) are part of the human experience. They're temporary, and that's the important bit (and that was the only bit on that thread that I actually agreed with; alloromantic people do tend to view feeling as fact in a romantic sense, but everyone is prone to misreading general feelings as fact—for example, a common trap is "I'm afraid, therefore I must be in danger." Feelings, thus, are not necessarily factual.) But emotions are also reactions to something. Experiencing emotions is a normal thing. Having sex with someone casually for an extended period of time will likely let you get to know that person a bit. Amatonormative conditioning can easily kick in, regardless of orientation. And amatonormativity promises something—something substantial.

Happiness.

Clearly, this promise doesn't hold up. Romance is bullshit, unhealthy, an obsession with being unrequited, and an overinflated lens of glorifying pain for the purpose of promised reward (which never comes). We all know that.

And yet, it still reels some of us in. Conditioning at its finest, eh? Remind me to stop watching movies with any shred of romance in them.

But here's the thing. I'm aro-spec and I have fucking ADHD. Those two experiences, for me, have been the absolute worst combination.

I'm only beginning to come to grips with my ADHD and how it affects my perception of the world and my orientation(s) within it. One of the things I've noticed about myself is that I chase highs. Those highs simulate the deficiency in dopamine and reward signals inside my brain. I kind of don't function normally when I don't have those reward chemicals. I don't feel senses of accomplishment often, even when I've done lots of things. This is a really common experience with ADHD, hence why depression and anxiety can sometimes be considered side-effects of ADHD. Of course feeling like you've done nothing would make you anxious and depressed.

But especially in terms of social relationships, these sorts of reward chemicals can factor in to great amounts. I mean, I'd like to say that romance writing & fantasizing has been one of my most persistent hyperfixations in life. It's a concept teeming with overwhelming emotions, which tend to set off chemical responses in the brain that can induce dopamine, or dopamine-like effects. Thus, drama feels good. And for someone who never feels good... well, drama can become a drug. It can become seemingly the only thing that helps one feel good—about themselves, about their life, their accomplishments, their abilities—especially for undiagnosed adults.

It's a really tumultuous reality. And the back and forth is absolutely chaotic. Hyperfixations don't go on constantly. But they can start at any time. They can be triggered so easily. And amatonormative and positive conditioning doesn't help. Again, it's a happy drug for your brain. Evolution probably intended that. And now it's gone very awry in me.

Here's my thing though: me wanting intimacy, me wanting closeness—that does not equate to romance. Me experiencing feelings and desiring those feelings also doesn't equate to romance. My brain has a chemistry issue. It likes these chemicals, like, way too much as it is. Amatonormativity already conditioned me to chase these highs, and those highs have an even stronger and more dangerous effect on me and my perception of reality, especially as someone who is statistically more predisposed addictive behaviors.

So imagine trying to sus out that you're actually aromantic underneath all that. But you also are really touch starved. Oh, and you're a lesbian. Not even a little bit bisexual. Totally very gay. And you have sensory issues. And you have those handy-dandy side effects of anxiety and depression hanging around.

There's a lot to parse through every time I have an emotion at all.

So genuinely: yes. I agree that it sucks when someone you only wanna have casual sex with suddenly wants to have a romantic relationship with you.

But also: I'm aro, and I'm also not over here having sex with random strangers. I'm over here having sex with good friends. I'm over here being polyaffectionate. I'm over here chasing the highs of pretty people, sensual intimacy, and awesome orgasms.

And none of that shit rings alloromantic to me.

#aromantic #enby lesbian #lesbian #gay #lgbtq #queer #agender #gynephile #non binary #rant #alterous attraction #idk yall #queer continually feels like the best catch all

[livebloggingmydescentintomadness]

A probably difficult ask (that is difficult for me to write: I'm having problems regarding figuring out my sexuality. I wonder if i'm aro ace because i do not experience the attraction the way other people describe it but i will sometimes get small crushes on people, i experience arousal while watching other people do sexual stuff.. i just don't know if i experience attraction per se? And quite honestly i feel like I'm missing out on something. I really want to want to have sex and romance (1.)

as part of my life and thinking tat i’m ace kinda triggered a nervous breakdown and depression relapse for me tis autumn. I know that being ace/aro is normal stuff and i absolutely support everyone It absolutely doesn’t make anyone lesser person, that’s not the problem for me It’s just.. weird because I always felt a need for this to be a part of my life but never actually ended up feeling this towards another person. And it’s really stressful when I think about my future in light of this.

hey sweetie, i’m so fucking sorry it took me so long to get together the cognitive spoons to answer this. in part, that was because it’s difficult for me to give answers to you when they’re things i still struggle with myself.

first of all, in terms of the exactness of your labels: what you describe sounds like being gray-aro (like gray-ace, mostly aromantic but very occasionally or very mildly experience romantic attraction) or aroflux (where your aromanticism fluctuates) and what’s called autochorissexuality, “A disconnection between oneself and the object of arousal; may involve sexual fantasies or arousal in response to erotica or pornography, but lacking any desire to be a participant in the activities therein.“

If those labels or ones like them sound right to you, then that’s great, and you can still call yourself aroace if that’s what you want to do. All the varieties on aro and ace labels belong under the aro and ace umbrellas, even if they’re not “full” aro or ace.

I wish that i could give you such easy and definitive answers on how to mentally and emotionally come to terms with being aroace. in all sincerity, i don’t know how to make total peace with that. i also always wanted to fall in love, to get married and have a fulfilling sex life, and while in adulthood i find myself somewhat to extremely repulsed by the idea of dating and having sex, there still feels like there’s an emptiness where i wish that relationship could be. 

i don’t know how much of that is social conditioning and how much is really me; i don’t know if i actually would be happy in that relationship if i had it or i would end up hating it because i’m not built for it, no matter what i wish. i don’t know if i’ll grow out of wanting that or if i’m going to have to live with that wanting the rest of my life. i don’t know if i’ll end up finding someone who fits that empty part of my life in an unconventional way, a way that works for both of us in a unique fashion, or if i won’t.

i wish i knew, for me and you. i wish i could make you promises and tell you everything will work out just fine and you’ll be happy and never feel unfulfilled. i can tell you that i know there are many other a-spec people out there who’ve figured out relationships that work for them, some of them devoid of romance or sex and some of them working out a way to incorporate those things into the relationship even when they don’t feel attraction themselves. there are many a-spec people who’ve found happy relationships with other a-spec people, and many who’ve found happy relationships with allos who genuinely love and support them and don’t pressure them for anything they don’t want.

i don’t have that, but i do have a wonderful queer-platonic partner who fills several parts of that role, who loves me and supports me. and it does hurt less, with time. i don’t think about it as much. it’s still there, but not as sharply as it used to be.

you don’t need to have this all sorted out right now. even if you know exactly what your labels are (though they can change over time), this is a big thing to cope with, and it’s okay to just let yourself process it for a while. it will take time to figure out what you really feel and what’s been indoctrinated into you (that you have to have romance, that you have to have sex), what is really attraction and what isn’t. it’s complicated, and messy, and difficult. that’s okay.

you also don’t have to be happy about it right now. you’re not being aphobic or an asshole if you have to grieve the life you wanted to have, the life that doesn’t seem possible anymore. you can struggle with this, and wish it wasn’t what you are. just don’t cling to those feelings, don’t put yourself down or blame yourself or call yourself wrong. you’re different, you’re not wrong.

do me a favor, okay? talk to other aces and aros, read their words, watch their videos, ask them questions. most of us have to deal with some version of these feelings, and lots of us have found ways to be happy, even if it’s not what they expected. you’re not alone here, and you need to connect to the community.

aroace isn’t a life sentence to loneliness. it doesn’t mean you can’t have relationships that make you happy, or a life that makes you happy. don’t give up, alright? you’re going to sort things out, i promise. keep breathing.

#anonymous #ask #aroace #asexuality #aromanticism

[asexual-society]

Hello, I'm ace, bi homoflexible (wlw) for a bot less than 3yrs. I had 2 bf, not very committed after 2 months, my "record" is 4. It's been a few months that I sometimes, think that I'm might be under the aro umbrella as well. During teenhood I was never talking about boys or crushing on boys (except my 1st love but it wasn't mutual and I wasn't aware of my attraction to girls yet). Since I'm sapphic and a young adult I want to have a gf but Idk if I'll be more committed and (1/2)

(2/2) I wouldn't want to hurt the other person feelings. (I might be okay sleeping with women or cuddling in bed at least but Idk for sure yet) Therefore I begin to think that my wish for all the good in a relationship whithout much commitment might be selfish and that I shouldn't try too hard to find someone... Idk what to do... Thanks if u read all of this, I hope it's clear.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It sounds like you want to explore and see what you’re comfortable with and what you want out of a relationship, and even though you’re afraid of coming across as selfish, I don’t think that not trying to hard to find someone is the right idea. 

It is good to be aware of how you’re going about a relationship, especially if you’re not entirely sure what you want, and it’s important to consider how the other person may feel. There are definitely ways to  and avoid  making the relationship all about yourself, but it’s not selfish to want to figure yourself out. I think that just by being aware that you don't know a lot of your own comfort levels and not wanting to mislead potential partners you will be less likely to do so.

The key thereafter is communication. I think that being upfront with potential partners that you're not sure how much commitment you want, etc, is the best way to go about it. Some people will probably be hesitant or unwilling to date someone who is still figuring themselves out, but many people won't be, or maybe they'll also be figuring things out. Keeping communication open, and respecting comfort levels and the pace of the relationship of everyone involved will go a long way.

#Mod leaf #Asks

[skyler10fic]

Hi! Do you have any advice for someone who's recently realized they're on the ace spectrum but have nosy, opinionated, unsupportive family members? I'm constantly bombarded with the typical "why don't you ever date, you're not getting any younger, you need to find a guy, settle down, give me some grandkids before it's too late" lectures & I don't know how to talk to my parents about this cause they're (I hate to say it cause I love my parents..but) bigoted when it comes to the LGBT community.

Yeah, looong before I ever brought up being ace, I just told them no. No, I won't be getting married. No, I won't be having kids. I don't need a guy. Not interested. If that's all you want for me, find new dreams. I had it a little easier in that my mom is a doctor and they care a lot more about me being successful in my career, but it was a 10 year process to get them to stop saying "when you get married." By 30 or 40, they will give up. Be more stubborn than they are. Kind, but firm.

You just have to go out there and live an undeniably amazing life. That doesn't mean you are always happy or healthy. I have mental illnesses too. But I don't let my singleness be one of them. I am just as capable of doing anything my married sister does and more. I make my own money, live alone, do my own taxes... Whatever your thing is that is your best adult life, don't wait. Being single doesn't make you less mature or less capable.

Being ace doesn't mean you have to go it alone, of course. You can have roommates or platonic partners or romantic partners or even do the whole kids and marriage thing! It's about attraction, not behavior. But for me, being aro ace is also tied in with being uninterested in dating and committed partners. I am free to do whatever I want. If your family doesn't see that freedom, it hurts, but it's probably because they have never seen it.

We're fed this lie that in order to be happy, we have to have romance and sex. Even aro/ace-coded fictional characters are immediately "shipped" with someone, even if it's a stretch. We all love the happily ever after that involves finding "true love." But we also need stories for people like us, where the truest love is not romantic or sexual, but love for ourselves and friends and family and communities. We can love in big ways, without the distractions of romance and sex. We can be there for people and show up when our friends need us and contribute time and energy to worthy causes our married parent friends can't.

There's huge advantages to intentional singleness, but you have to be the pioneer sometimes, the representation not seen before, the light showing the way.

I was lucky that I have a single aunt and my mom's best friend who is basically my aunt. They have both lived amazing lives of adventure and success and happiness, they have explored their talents and had great relationships with friends and family and neighbors, and they have done it all without ever "needing" a romantic partner.

Yes, loneliness is real. Some days we're like Jo March in the most recent Little Women. We are so desperate for love that we'd sacrifice ourselves to BE loved, even if we don't return it. Even if we can't really reciprocate in that way. But in the end, we are happiest with people who can love us for who we are and don't pressure us to be someone we're not. Who don't want anything more from us than what we can give.

The name of the game is boundaries. Educate them, list off people they respect who are single and crushing it, don't let yourself be infantilized, but above all, be secure in your identity. If a man or woman comes along who proves themselves worth of your affections, you have an open heart and mind. But until then, you are just fine with your friends and family and community around you, and don't have the time to worry about such things. That's most attractive, anyway. Someone who isn't desperate but knows who she is. So let them come and see you shine, but don't ever listen when they tell you that you NEED a man. If you decide want one, you can have one of course, it won't make you less yourself or less aro/ace. There is a whole spectrum, after all, and since it's defined by attraction being rare, you may find yourself in exactly the kind of relationship they want for you. But if you don't want that, you don't need it. Silly concept. We need friends and family and belonging. We need people, yes. We don't need romance or sex.

Unfortunately that can take some convincing because we've all been marketed to for so long, raised to think we're nothing without a man by our side no matter our accomplishments. That the fairy tale must end in a kiss. And those are beautiful. It's time we wrote new stories, lived new stories. Showed the world another way.

What you have is a gift. You don't have to label it aloud to them if you don't want to. You don't have to come out if it's not safe. You don't have to explain yourself at all. You are allowed to rule your own life and know your own mind and write your own destiny. You are the one who has to live it. If they want grandchildren that bad, there are plenty of ways to engage with kids in their community who need grandparents. You don't owe them anything. Not even your labels, if you don't want to share them. It's enough that you know who you are and what you want.

This goes for straight people, too, btw. Even if you experience attraction, you don't have to want it. You don't have to date or marry or have grandkids. You can be fulfilled and happy single. It's a very popular choice now that women don't have to marry for financial support and can have jobs ourselves. You can live your life on your own terms and your family will learn to adapt.

#aro ace #ace spec #asexuality #aromantic #singleness #adulthood

[cantskank]

i think i’m having to accept that tma is just not the fan space for me.  i enjoy it now, but the only reason i got into was for the ace rep.  i’m not a fan of horror OR scripted podcasts (like i am neutral to actively dislike them pretty much).  i was not expecting it to be a romance.  not to be the grouchy aro but i thought getting into a horror podcast would be like “safe” for not having romance.  and i really like the pairing actually!  and like literally everyone else i project so heavily onto martin.  my relationship with romance in fiction is usually like- i like the part where they’re falling in love/getting together.  then the actual relationship itself is...like dicey at best for me (in terms of enjoyment).  it depends how it is portrayed really- sometimes i get it, and a lot of times it just seems so unappealing.  and like now is not the best time for either of them so i don’t really...get it.  honestly it just feels like they’re getting on each other’s nerves but are still together?  idk why that aggravates me- i acknowledge this isn’t a rational way to feel about this fictional relationship.

ANYWAYS.  idk i guess i hoped getting into tma that i would really relate to jon’s experience.  but we don’t even get his experience!  we find out secondhand, and it’s not even clear what we find out- so much so that it took someone asking a question and the creator’s response to clear it up.  even then, it was some “HE might not think of it that way but that’s what it is i guess” which is some straight BULLSHIT (pardon the pun).  i just wanna state for the record that that is WEAKSAUCE FUCKING REPRESENTATION.  at least don’t be so much of a coward that we can barely tell you’re trying to out him as ace (without him knowing) and then skirt the issue

and i don’t think he really got how important ace rep is so i maybe can’t fault him for that but...it sucks.  at least like...educate yourself on ways it might be good to portray aces in media.  again, though, my expectations are a me problem.  i just think that like we don’t have enough extant ace rep to like...casually make a character that misses the mark in those ways.  like yeah there’s a vast wealth of ace experiences and there are tons of aces who would probably not be like super ready to accept that they are ace!  like i’m basically not out at ALL irl and so i get it!  but at least like you could maybe not make that one of the few ace characters we have to represent us?  ace rep is not at that point yet!  we need characters that are open and unashamed to be ace.  todd chavez was a really weird character for me to watch!  i was like way thrown off by how comfortable he was with talking about being asexual (even though it did take some time for him to accept it!  which is totally reasonable!).  but i think it was necessary because it weirdly went such a long way to normalizing it for me?  like i’m asexual!  i spent a large formative part of my late teens/early twenties interacting with almost all asexuals on the internet (aven).  if anyone is accustomed to asexuality it should be me, right??  but actually seeing a character be asexual and even discuss it proudly made me realize how much of a shameful secret i thought of my asexuality as.  i’ve definitely framed it as a forbidden or taboo topic and really separated my active, open asexual persona online from my irl persona.  anyway the fact that that one character had such an impact on me just goes to show how much we still need that kind of representation and not some bullshit rep.

okay onto fandom shit:

i just find there’s so much fan content (mostly fic!  because i don’t really engage in any other way and i don’t really have any desire to!  because it’s even worse for this than fic i have a sense!) that doesn’t want to think critically about what an asexual relationship means/looks like.  either they are not ace and have heard “oh okay aces ‘can’ have sex, well jon will just have sex!” or they are ace and idk have internalized that message as well?  either way i fucking hate people who don’t think about how that relationship might diverge from an allo one.  THEY ARE DIFFERENT.  ASEXUALITY IS ITS OWN THING.  IT IS NOT A THING WHERE YOU JUST DO WHAT YOUR PARTNER WANTS.  IT IS NOT A THING WHERE YOU SAY “OKAY SURE” AND NEVER DISCUSS BEYOND THAT OR BOTHER TO SET BOUNDARIES.  IT IS NOT JUST ONE CONVERSATION AND THEN DONE.  like an asexual relationship can be those things but i don’t think that’s an ideal relationship anyways?  (even for allos tbh..)  and idk why you’d want to idealize that in fandom anyways?  like you can make that relationship look like whatever you want!  why would you make it look like that?  (not to generalize or like invalidate anyone’s experience but i....feel like there is some internalized shit there.  especially when these things are presented without question?  like it’s one thing to present things one way and it’s another to do it without questioning.  one of my favorite ace fics (notably, not tma) is all about the ace character exploring his sexuality!  and having sex with his partner!  but it’s presented with such attention to all characters that i have no trouble at all.  having sex as an asexual is not inherently negative, but i cannot deal with media that doesn’t consider and address the implications of having sex as an asexual.

and honestly there’s so much discussion around the Issue (that i don’t even get involved in but it swirls around my peripheries of my fandom experience) that that aspect distresses me a lot!  because the people who disagree with me make me feel like shit.  i’m sure it is really confusing and difficult to be an asexual who is okay with sex, or interested in exploring sex, or whatever people would consider themselves.  it just feels antithetical to the asexual activism of ‘sex can be cool but it’s not necessarily for everyone.’  like, if you’re an ace who has sex or whatever, cool!  and i hope you can find your corner of the ace community that vibes with that.  i cannot, and like.  compulsory sexuality does not need propping up.  if sex is for you, then congrats!  you fit into the norm in that way!  you might not fit into the norm re: sexual attraction and i’m sure that’s not easy to reconcile.  however, i am not personally in a place where i can be the person who supports that uncritically when i’m still working within myself to understand where compulsory sexuality and amatonormativity have worked within me.  because i have been hurt by both of those things, MY primary goal is to work on dismantling those things (at least in myself, ideally in the world around me).  and people who do not have that as a goal and who instead want to mirror allo-ness in writing an ace character just don’t get the same consideration from me, unfortunately.  i guess this has helped me see that i should just fuck that noise.  if you want to make that the big thing you complain about on the internet i won’t stop you.  and...it occurs to me that’s what i’m doing!  so i’m going to refocus and stop just moping about my aro aceness and how i’m being ignored.  i’ve got better things to focus my time on than haters online.  i will not be dragged down to their mopey level!

also i feel weird and way too old for the fandom demographic (even though there are certainly fans waaaay older than me in the fandom!)  i think i’ve outgrown a lot of the fandom mentality.  wait is hockey fandom for old people?  (i’m fully not old but i’m probably old-ish for tumblr/fandom.  certainly old for tma fandom)  it occurs to me it’s sort of a graduation into a societally-acceptable form of fandom and it probably doesn’t appeal as much to younger audiences.  AND things can be as sexy/romantic or platonic as you like.

anyway all this is to say that i thought getting into media with aspec rep would be good for me but i think i must conclude that it has NOT.  it has actually just upset me way more than it has helped me feel good about being ace (which was the whole goal!).  i will be glad when it is over.  AND i’m glad i’ve really just been engaging with rqg fandom.  it is much more fun and a much better story! 

[authorpocketcow]

Pooh Characters as Queer Environmentalists

No seriously.  I had a very vivid dream involving all the Winnie The Pooh characters as a group of enthusiastic (and queer) environmentalists who meet once a week to talk about environment things because they’re nerds.

Starring Christopher Robin, Pooh, Tigger, Rabbit, Kanga, Roo, Gopher, Eeyore, and Piglet.

·       Christopher Robin

o   33 years old

o   Head/leader/founder of the Environmentalist Group

o   Really interested in saving the whales

o   Chill dude, but kind of an airhead

o   Everyone thinks he’s some kinda office worker

o   One day someone accidentally found out that he’s the CEO of some green-planet organization and runs this group for fun to see what kinds of ideas he can get and to see what people think of environmentalist efforts

o   He always credits people for their ideas, but people assumed that he just worked for the company, not that he ran the damned thing

o   A pansexual icon

o   Has been to every single pride event that their city has ever had

o   Rumour has it he started the pride events

o   Wilder rumour has it he threw the first stone at the Stonewall Riots

o   Even wilder rumour has it that he’s an immortal vampire who survives on the blood of homophobes

o   He won’t deny any of these rumours but has yet to confirm it

o   Has a genderqueer partner that literally nobody has met

o   Seriously, not even Pooh

·       Pooh

o   29 years old

o   Really wants to save the bees

o   Like, REALLY wants to save the bees

o   Vegetarian, but because he doesn’t like meat

o   Massive sweet tooth; dentists hate him!

o   Ace/Aro

o   Loves children, wants to adopt his own someday

o   Babysits Roo all the time

o   Kanga and him are best friends

o   He brings little sweets for Roo every meeting

o   Perhaps a little bit of a pothead but he’s not addicted

o   He just smokes a joint once in a while to chill out

o   A stereotypical “make love not war” hippie

o   Nice to everyone all the time

o   Cries when someone is mean to him

o   Gets uncomfortable when people hit on him

o   Christopher’s little brother

o   A visual artist; uses lots of colours and sells his art at galleries and markets

·       Tigger

o   27 years old

o   ADHD

o   Like SUPER ADHD

o   Gay

o   Hit on Pooh once but when Pooh got uncomfy he backed off

o   Thought maybe Pooh was uncomfortable with gays and was confused and sad

o   When he found out Pooh was Ace/Aro he totally understood

o   They’re good friends now

o   Really wants to save rainforests and trees

o   A freelance writer; his books are elementary school Magic Treehouse shit

o   Very much into fantasy shit, his non-children’s series’ lore is always the deepest mindfuck ever, how the hell did he even come up with that

o   Bestselling author tho

o   Kinda famous tbh but he doesn’t like media attention

o   He just thinks everybody should have fun all the time

o   Does he vape? Probably.  Has anyone ever actually seen him do it?  No.

o   Does he sleep? Probably.  Has anyone ever actually seen him do it?  Once.

o   Kanga caught him powernapping when she came into one of the first meetings really early, but all she did was put a blanket on him and leave to go to the convenience store or something to stay out for a bit longer so he could rest

o   He didn’t know who it was until a bit later he figures it was her since she’s always knitting and it was a very pretty knitted thing

o   That’s his momma figure now

·       Rabbit

o   25 years old

o   Vegan and very in-your-face about it

o   “Bugs are important to the ecosystem but boy do I hate them in my garden”

o   Scifi enthusiast

o   Post-apocalyptic things slightly terrify him because he believes that’s how the world is gonna go

o   A bit of a conspiracy theorist

o   Genuinely believes the government is vaguely spying on everybody

o   Did Bush do 9/11?  Who knows… but the moon landing was real, and the earth is round, don’t be dumb

o   Just identifies as queer, doesn’t like labels

o   A very organized person but when he’s very upset perfectionism scares him bc he thinks he’s not ever gonna be good enough and will mess things up on purpose

o   Has a long-distance boyfriend

o   A farmer

·       Kanga

o   38 years old

o   Divorced trans woman

o   Has a 5 year old son that she fostered as a baby and adopted when he was 4

o   Recycles aggressively

o   Calls everyone “dear”

o   Uses reusable bags and plastic containers all the time

o   Knits a lot, everybody always gets scarves or mitts or hats for Christmas

o   Usually in the design of ‘planet earth’, but also makes pride flag designs and takes requests for fave colour schemes

o   Vegetarian but not aggressive ab it like Rabbit is

o   You know what she is a bit aggressive about? Recycling

o   If you throw something that’s recyclable in the garbage in front of her...

o   Lord help you

o   Last man who did that was never seen again

o   Okay that’s a lie, he was seen two weeks later

o   But he was advocating for a save the whales organization on the side of the road and wearing all thrift store clothing

o   She traumatized him into throwing himself into the environmentalist pit headfirst

o   Thinks Gopher is just a big softie; is the only one who is super nice to him all the time (besides her son, and Pooh who is nice to literally everyone)

o   Kinda has a thing for the grumpy man but won’t admit it

o   She’s like an accountant or something, nobody knows what she does for a living but she seems to be well-off

·       Roo

o   The adopted 5 year old son

o   A little bit spoiled, but not just by Kanga, by everyone in the group

o   Loves sitting in on the meetings

o   His first sentence at 15 months was “recycle that!”

o   Loves blue because of recycle bins

o   Literally wears nothing but blue

o   Will accept things that are less than 100% blue as long as its more than 50% blue

o   Also likes things with pink on them

o   Thinks Tigger is the coolest person ever

o   Doesn’t understand all of Tigger’s books but reads them anyway

o   Except the non-children’s ones of course

o   Reads everything he can get his hands on

o   Don’t let him get his hands on anything inappropriate for a 5 year old

o   Asks a lot of questions

o   Everyone adores him

o   His mama is his favourite person on the planet but also Mr Tigger is so cool

o   He likes Mr Gopher too, he thinks Mr Gopher is great because of “how happy Mama is when he’s around”

·       Eeyore

o   23 years old

o   Has depression

o   Trans boy

o   Just really wants friends

o   Wants to help the planet

o   Is a massive pessimist that thinks the world is doomed

o   Very smart boy

o   Talks about CO2 emissions and carbon taxes

o   A university student studying some kinda chemical engineering

o   Very quiet

o   Bit of a crush on piglet tbh

o   Has a big love for superheroes without powers because he loves the idea of things being solvable through hard work mixed with passion and technology

o   Except he doesn’t believe it because his depression makes him super pessimistic

o   Also a big tech nerd

·       Gopher

o   45 years old

o   Landlord of their meeting place

o   Grumpy ass old man

o   Sometimes people are grumpy right back to him and he’s ok with that

o   Actually a soft spot for these weird hippies and joins them sometimes but says its because he wants to make sure they’re not damaging the place (they know that’s a big fat lie but won’t say anything)

o   Will fight anyone who mocks them

o   Has actually fought someone who mocked them

o   Has not told them about said fight

o   Especially adores Roo

o   Thinks Kanga is a bit of an odd woman but also thinks she’s very pretty

o   Repressed bisexual

o   He thinks nobody knows he’s bi but eventually when he kinda mentions it he realizes everyone knows

o   Specifically, Piglet and Kanga are super supportive

o   He definitely actually has a crush on Kanga, who knitted him a bisexual flag scarf once

o   He wears it all the time but will vehemently deny that it’s the same scarf when called on it

o   Big brawny weirdo

o   Was a football player in college and can definitely bench-press everyone

o   Works construction now, which is why he’s still in good shape

o   Actually a brilliant man, can architect and calculate like nobody’s business

o   Will help Piglet with his mathematics homework in exchange for Piglet teaching him more things about the LGBT+ community

o   After a while he realizes that perhaps genderfluid fits him well but Piglet is sworn to secrecy

o   Has a daughter who is institutionalized for her mental health issues that grew beyond his care

o   Piglet reminds him of his daughter and he’s very protective

o   That’s why he legit fought that asshole who mocked the “little F****t hippies”

o   He was almost arrested for assault on that one actually

o   The cop was a buddy of his and 100% believed the “defense of those who can’t defend themselves” explanation that Gopher had

o   Got off with a warning and fined for “disturbing the peace” or some mundane BS

·       Piglet

o   21 years old

o   Gay and demiboy

o   Anxiety disorders through the roof

o   OCD

o   Recycling is a compulsion

o   Reducing energy consumption too

o   He checks his lights all the time

o   He walks or bikes everywhere

o   He says it’s to reduce CO2 emissions

o   He’s just scared of vehicles

o   Has some kinda PTSD but nobody knows the source

o   He got into a massive car accident when he was little

o   Because his father was angry and speeding

o   His mother died in the accident

o   But nobody knows this!  Someday he will tell them tho

o   Today is not that day

o   Tomorrow is not that day either

o   But someday

o   Crush on Eeyore

o   Also a university student

o   Studying mathematics because it makes sense to him

o   Gopher reminds him of his grumpy old gay uncle who died when he was in high school

o   Feels like he can actually not double-check or cross-reference anything that Gopher teaches him because he trusts him a lot

o   Still will sometimes check everything if he’s having a bad day

o   Gopher doesn’t mind, he understands that Piglet has a lot of anxiety issues

o   Has an exception in his uni file to be able to take twice as long on his exams and tests and get an extra few days for assignments because he checks every single answer 3 times

o   His OCD number is 3, everything is 3, he turns his lights on and off 3 times, etc

#piglet #pooh #winnie the pooh is my fuckin shit #winnie the pooh #pooh bear #rabbit #eeyore #tigger #kanga #roo #kanga and roo #gopher #my post #queer #q slur tw #environmentalists #environment #save the bees #idk if this makes sense to anyone else or not #but i really like this for some reason #i hope this isn't cringey

[marinsawakening]

Arospec headcanon ask game: Paninya!

HO BOY you picked like the ONE character I love that I don’t have a set headcanon for but I sure love talking about Paninya so I’m gonna go with it.

What arospec identities do they have? (Can be as specific or vague as desired)

Okay SO I really love to see her as some flavor of arospec, because I’m arospec and I love her, but I CANNOT decide what I want to actually headcanon her as. However, I do know she’d still be open to a romantic relationship, regardless of the arospec identity, because I headcanon that she and Winry start one post-canon. 

Identities that I generally flux between are cupioromantic/romance-favourable lesbian, quoiromantic lesbian, or oriented/angled aroace lesbian. I do also headcanon her as alloro sometimes (and also bi in the sense of liking both nonbinary people and girls), to be honest. I’m gonna go with quoiromantic lesbian for the sake of this post.

(…Aroflux might work? GOD I need to decide on a headcanon for her.)

(Anyway she’d definitely queer.)

How proud of being arospec are they?

Proud, but after the euphoria period after she figured it out, she kind of died down a little. When she first figured it out, she was yelling it across the roofs, literally, with people in Rush Valley being very confused but congratulating her nonetheless. After that, she did calm down, but she still drops it into a quite a few conversations if she can get away with it, and definitely has a pride flag and pin.

Do they prioritize their arospec identity over any others?

Eh, not really? Her top priority is definitely the fact that she’s transfem and an amputee, and after that the rest of her identities kind of get thrown into a big heap. It’s difficult for her to figure things out, and she’s still questioning a lot (both on the queer front and the neurodiversity front), but she’s definitely proud of being a grade A weirdo. 

Are they out? If so, how did they come out, and to whom?

They’re out to like the entirety of Rush Valley due to the aforementioned ‘screaming it off the rooftops’ incident. She’s also out to pretty much everyone she’s ever met, because she drops it into a LOT of conversations, but specifically, she’s out to Ed and Winry. Winry because she was the catalyst to figuring things out, and Ed because she’s in a qpr with him and he’s also arospec, so they have some strong Chaotic Arospec Solidarity going on. 

How do they feel about romance? Romance-favorable? Romance-neutral? Romance-repulsed? Or does it fluctuate?

Romance-favourable, definitely! She loves doing romance-coded things like kissing and cuddling and dating, and she’s very happy with her romantic relationship! She’s actually quite the romantic, kind of like Will from the Princess Bride but like, 200 times more chaotic.

Have they ever experienced arophobia? If so, how?

Not really. I headcanon Rush Valley as a haven of queer people of all kinds, so although aro people are still a minority, she’s been involved in the queer community for quite some time and has found pretty radical acceptance there. Also Don would fight anyone who did anything to Paninya, and so would the rest of the town tbh, not to mention the fact that Paninya has a canon in one leg and a knife in the other, so people know better than to mess with her.

How do they show their arospec pride?

Pins, flags, and a lot of talking about it! She’s also goes to pride, and although the queer/trans flag is the largest just about every year, she does fly the quoiro and/or aro flags proudly on a regular basis.

Do they actively try to combat amatonormativity in their daily lives or elsewhere? If so, how?

Again, she talks about being quoiro a lot and she’s in a really unsual qpr with Winry and Ed, so she’s basically the walking talking antithesis to amatonormativity. 

Was it easy for them to label themselves arospec, or was there a long period of questioning? How many labels did they have to try before landing on the one they use now?

It wasn’t that easy; it was probably the hardest of her queer identities. Quoiromanticism by definition is confusing as hell, and her cocktail of neurodiversities (which yes, I haven’t decided on either, shut up) made focusing on her feelings for long enough to actually, you know, figure out an identity quite hard, but Winry kind of put things into overdrive. Paninya was definitely attracted to her in a sexual way, and there was something else too, but it was a really weird blur and practically impossible to figure out. She liked romance things, yes, but she doesn’t quite understand what people mean by romantic attracation, or platonic attraction for that matter, and doesn’t quite understand how you’d differentiate a friend that you go on platonic dates with and a romantic partner, aside from the fact that with the latter, you’ve decided to be in a romantic relationship. Labeling the attraction she felt for Winry was a gigantic hassle, because she just plain fundamentally doesn’t understand the difference between platonic and romantic attraction and is permanently confused by everything. Then she learnt of the term quoiromantic, specifically the ‘not able to differentiate platonic attraction from romantic attraction’ definition, and well, it clicked and she was very happy about it.

Would they be interested in a QPR? Why or why not?

Like I said, she’s in a queerplatonic triad with Winry and Ed, but it’s a bit more complicated than that tbh. She’s in a romantic relationship with Winry, and in the world’s most informal qpr with Ed, and Ed and Winry are in a committed relationship they’ve chosen not to label for the moment. She probably wouldn’t have sought out a qpr on her own, preferring a romantic relationship, but she’s glad that Ed proposed it, because she’s found that it fulfills a different type of need for her than her romantic relationship with Winry. Her and Ed’s qpr is a lot less formal and love-y dovey (like I said, Paninya’s quite the romantic with Winry, albeit it in a very chaotic way), and looks like a weirdly competitive friendship for everyone around them, but they also feel very at ease around each other, and plan big life decisions with each other (and Winry, of course), so they both felt like a ‘queerplatonic’ label would just be convenient, especially since they were both already in a relationship with Winry. 

Final thoughts?

I may not know what I headcanon Paninya as exactly but she sure is in a queerplatonic relationship and I sure love her to pieces!

#paninya #Anonymous #fma #arospec headcanon #asks #long post

[feynites]

i read Looking Glass and really liked it, but when I decided to read a lot of your other stuff I found myself a little intimidated by the sheer number of amazing fully fleshed out characters. I know you talk about and write about a lot of then on here but could you give me a little bit of an overview on the characters important to LG and its AUs?

Oh, sure thing Anon! Though there are quite a few of them by now, so I’ll keep it to the basic outlines. But feel free to ask if there’s anything more you wanna know! Also, I’ll mention OC’s that belong to other folks, because they show up often in AU’s. But in-depth questions about them would be best directed at their respective creators!

My OCs:

Uthvir - Uthvir shows up in a LOT of supplementary stuff. They’re a nonbinary elf, usually a servant of Andruil and some kind of hunter. They’re often also an abomination possessed by a spirit of Fear (which corrupted from a spirit of Sympathy), and a consciousness that formed out of a body that was initially constructed to house a spirit of Glory. In some AU’s, they and Glory have different connections, though, such as siblings or kindred spirits. Uthvir is a talented shapeshifter who can comfortably change their form. They’re generally paired with Thenvunin or Squish or @lillotte17‘s Aili, or @captusmomentum‘s Inan. Also, Uthvir’s Fear spirit abom partner is, in at least one timeline, the Nightmare from DA:I.

Thenvunin - Thenvunin shows up in a lot of my AU’s and side stories, too. He’s usually a servant of Mythal, generally does some kind of miltiary service or at least likes working out a lot, is very fond of birds and has enough hang-ups to supply several closets. In the majority of AU’s he’s born with severe birth defects and medical conditions that are either totally fixed or not, depending on the care he is able to receive, and sometimes his treatments are very traumatizing in and of themselves. He usually has been in very bad previous relationships, and is most commonly paired with Uthvir, but also sometimes with Squish, @justanartsysideblog‘s Aelynthi, or @lillotte17‘s Daewyn.

Curiosity + Others - Curiosity you probably already know very well, since she gets the bulk of her character development in LG. Much like Ess and Haninan, who I’m just gonna lump here because of that. Ireth, who you’ll see mentioned or even appear, is the name of June’s mother and Haninan’s Keeper-Wife who died.

Squish - ‘Squish’ is a nickname for Desire, but there are a lot of Desire demons to go around, so she’s generally called Squish because the initial prompt that created her was for a ‘squishy character’. She’s a fat, strong elf who was once a Spirit of Desire that loved a spirit of Glory and took a body to try and save them. Sometimes she’s also just an elf who’s in love with an elf named Glory, though, and she also generally loves Uthvir and looks out for them, especially when she knows what their deal is. She usually serves Elgar’nan, but she’s not a great fan of Elvhenan because of the whole Glory thing.

Kel - Kel is my Lavellan! Though I usually go with a more ambiguous Lavellan in my fics, the two characters have pretty much the same personality, it’s just a matter of what I do or don’t specify (i.e. looks, name, etc). You’re free to conceptualize Lavellan as Kel, or to imagine them as different characters, it generally works either way. Kel is much more likely to be shipped with @justanartsysideblog‘s Olwyn, though.

Venavismi - Vena is, in most depictions, a servant of Sylaise who got his job as her attendant/body guard by taking a knife for her at one point. Putting himself bodily between other people and harm, and getting stabbed, are unfortunately consistent themes for him. He has an It’s Complicated relationship with Tasallir, but is generally shipped with @lycheemilkart‘s Ana. And sometimes they form a polyamorous OT3. Also Vena loves puns and bad jokes, despite being a bit vain and usually coming from a very high-pressure environment.

Tasallir - Taz or Tas (he hates either) is another servant of Sylaise, generally a high-ranking attendant who used to be a Spirit of Order and is super uptight. He’s also aro/ace and sex-repulsed, generally touch-starved but also very sensitive to physical contact, and therefore prickly about lots of things. But he’s not actually a bad dude, just very Particular. He’s involved in the aforementioned relationships, but also usually develops a strong friendship or familial-type bond with @scurvgirl’s Serahlin.

Virevas - Virevas is the daughter of Uthvir and Thenvunin in some AU’s, generally a younger sister to a child they’ve already adopted or otherwise acquired (like Kel or @palindromekomori’s Eda). She loves dragons and is very High Maintenance and is absolutely stunning, and sometimes also comes with siblings like Mealla, or the newer triplets in Aili x Uthvir stories (@lillotte17 gets credit for most of their character work). 

Elalas - Elalas turns up in the Mana’Din AU, as a former denizen of Elvhenan’s slave camps who becomes a crucial advisor to Mana’Din. She’s also pretty well in love with Mana’Din but she despises the empire and the evanuris (for obvious reasons) and this makes things fairly complicated for her, because that’s not a non-issue by any means. She’s also on the spectrum and has some significant sensory issues, and is Very Gay.

Dirthamen - Technically Dirthamen is not an OC, but he shows up so often and has so much stuff done to him by me that he should be mentioned. He’s usually shipped with @selenelavellan’s Selene, and sometimes also her Des. He is the brother of Falon’Din and son of Elgar’nan and Mythal, and usually also has split ‘aspects’ of himself that manifest as the ravens Fear and Deceit (Fear is not to be confused with the Fear Spirit that Uthvir is possessed by). Sometimes Fear and Deceit show up as their own characters, though, in which case they’re usually genderfluid (alternating between male and nonbinary identities), with Fear having clinical anxiety, among other trappings. Dirthamen is almost always a high-level shapeshifter, sometimes incapable of consciously controlling it, depending on the level of magic in the setting.

I think that’s about it. Other OC’s who frequently show up in my work, but aren’t mine, include @justanartsysideblog‘s Melarue, Olwyn, Aelynthi, Victory, and Lialva, @selenelavellan’s Selene, Des, Felasel, and Darevas, @scurvgirl’s Serahlin, Adannar, Ileth, Tonlen, Kassaran, and Ashokara, @lycheemilkart’s Ana, Rissa, and Varawell, @palindromekomori‘s Eda, and others who’ve come up less lately. If I’ve forgotten anyone, I apologize - but feel free to ask for any info in specific that you need!

#Anonymous

[spinnerprincess]

happy ace awareness week

i think you’re all probably aware that i’m ace by now, i mention it from time to time, but in case you’re not... heyyyyyy

you can find a lot of ace resources around, teaching you about asexuality, what it means, etc. i’ve been personally appreciating the hell out of lyd’s comics on the subject, the most recent of which is here.

this post isn’t for that. this post is for being aware of where i’m at regarding being ace. i would appreciate it if you read it.

hashtag lgbt/ace discourse ahead.

it’s been a weird year for me. a lot of good things have happened, and so have a lot of bad things. dealing with my asexuality has fallen into both categories. 

when i first encountered the term asexuality and adopted it for myself it was a very different time. i had made a friend who was ace. without going into detail, they were a little older than me, and were dealing with the aftereffects of a bad relationship where they felt harrassed and later assaulted by a partner. so i came into it with the full awareness that being ace could be rough and cause discrimination, etc. 

but honestly, in some ways, it was an easier time. back in 2011 asexuality felt less visible, but where it was visible, it was accepted pretty freely. some conversations around terms like “allosexual” began cropping up around them. i think i navigated them fairly well, and i learned a lot, and with everything i learned i grew surer that being ace was both a term that made me feel validated and comfortable, and the word that best defined my gender/sexuality experience. 

the worst thing i had to deal with was people who hated “aces prefer cake” jokes and the occasional “stop calling yourselves aces you’re not playing cards” which, meh, it’s just a cute shortening. i love it. didn’t stop then, won’t stop now. you couldn’t pay me to go back to a time when i thought sherlock was worth any attention (i at least didn’t fuckin ascribe to a lot of the shit like “oh he’s ace/aro and it excuses his bullshit” haha fuck off.). but. boy. sometimes i miss it.

this past year or two, it’s been shitty. first we had the tail end of the “queer” discourse. i understood some viewpoints coming out of that, but ultimately settled on feeling like it the people arguing to remove it from the lexicon were wrong. i think there’s some valid points to be made, but mostly found the whole argument tiresome. Let people call themselves what they want, and don’t use it for people you don’t know like it, or for the whole community. Done. 

and if I’m a little more hesitant to use it for myself, if i once described myself as queer freely and happily, and now do so nervously, backspacing it out of the text once or twice, that’s... something i hope to overcome.

but boy oh boy did that discourse just dovetail right into my personal hell. the kind of people who don’t want to see the community expanded, who want to stay on top and exclude people who aren’t being their kind of gay, immediately dug their claws into that argument about “queer” and didn’t stop.

i’ve endured months and months of ace discourse now and it’s... it’s been exhausting. i’m not even directly involved in it, but it’s still there. it’s constant. it’s insidious. 

what started as a counter argument of “queer is a great as a blanket word for people with complex identities, such as ace people” dove directly into “well, are ace people lgbt?” and didn’t stop. suddenly it was the topic of the season. early definitions said “yes” or “if they think they are.” more arguments. “well, heteroromantic aces aren’t lgbt,” became popular. i can see why. that kind of invisible distinction could play well into pretending you’re straight, after all - right? so went the discourse. ugh.

as that argument caught on, people with anti-ace agendas pushed it further. “so being ace alone doesn’t make you lgbt.” “kids can’t identify as ace, that’s sexualization.” “cishet aces just want to steal our resources.” 

i don’t want to go into all of these but. boy. some of them were presented logically, kindly. others devolved quickly into “aces are the worst and can die,” “ace people don’t belong full stop,” and even “lol look at me i’m a tumblrina i’m 13 years old asexual fictkin special snowflake” as the punchline of jokes that spread outside of this site. 

some ace people are assholes and of course stirred the pot more by being overtly bitter/turning things into oppression olympics type bickering over how aces have the worst, or whatever. some blogs people cited for examples of “terrible ace people co-opting lesbian stuff” or whatever else were literally from sockpuppet blogs making fun of ace people.

for a time, i even bought into some of it. i thought some of the early arguments, that heteroromantic aces shouldn’t be considered lgbt, might have valid points. but you know what? that’s bullshit. if you believe you belong, you should be welcomed with open arms. hetero aces experience some of the same shit i do. they probably also experience other shit. just because i don’t know what it is, or it’s different from mine, doesn’t mean it isn’t an alienating, and perhaps even queer, experience. their sexuality, as nuanced as it is, still sets them apart and they deserve support. we all do. 

it sucks to think that this shitty shitty discourse had me believing in a position that invalidated my own experience of aceness being the source of much of my queer experiences, for a while.

all this to say nothing of the invisible hate seeping towards aromantic people as well, lolololol. it’s not a big part of me the way being ace is but i’m probably somewhere on the aro spectrum and. great. thanks. i’m still so tired of split attraction model arguments. if it works for you, use it. if it works for other people, let them use it. is it so hard to believe that some people might experience things differently to you? or differently to how you would imagine? god.

my favorite part is when allo people started saying “allo is a slur!!!” when, get this: allosexual was pushed for and partially created by allo people who (rightly) didn’t want to be called “sexual,” like poc, and rape survivors. ace people adopted it into their language for their benefit, not for ours, lololololol

so. that’s the year i’ve been dealing with. i’ve had to unfollow a number of people i thought were otherwise cool over this. i haven’t gone a single month without finding someone i think is amazing, reading through their blog, and discovering with a sense of nausea that they would hate me. genuinely hate me. there’s no love there. someone who says “u shouldn’t follow me if you think ace people are lgbt lol” isn’t interested in hearing and believing my stories, my experiences, my life which is hard and queer and as deserving of support as anyone’s. they aren’t interested in treating me like a person. that’s... i mean, i think that counts as hate. yeah.

i still hesitate on the word aphobia, or, similarly, biphobia. i don’t know if it’s the right way to describe it, when the hatred you refer to comes from within a similar group of people with oppressed sexualities. i wouldn’t hesitate to say post from an allosexual person in favor of in corrective rape w/r/t ace people are aphobic. i wouldn’t hesitate to say a straight person who thinks bi people are disgusting is a biphobe.

but is that reality talking, or is it just me being unable to acknowledge that oppression is oppression, fear and hate are fear and hate, and discrimination towards aces, which i’ve spent the last two years being told isn’t real, despite experiencing it on a regular basis both in and out of community?

what’s the line between discrimination and oppression? if people’s everyday biases make it harder for ace people to live their lives, is there a point in determining that line?

i fuckin dunno. i’m so tired. i’ve spent a long year feeling like i’ve shrunk myself. i feel more comfortable lately talking about fictional ladies and my attraction to them, which isn’t sexual, and isn’t exactly romantic, but it’s... it’s something that exist. just recently i became comfortable feeling like i can use the term “wlw” for myself, which i fought myself for a long time on. being ace, being quietly non-binary were both things that felt like obstacles.

and the wlw community is just full of toxicity still. terfs have grown and drawn others to their ideologies, some of them using anti-ace tactics to do so, others using tried and true biphobic messaging and of course, who could forget the constant hammering of “trans women aren’t women” bullshit they like to pull. 

so that’s one triumph of the year. i’m nb, i’m wlw, i’m ace. i can say those three things and feel pretty comfortable in it. 

i just wish it didn’t also come at costs. i find it harder to express my ace life. i find it harder to feel positively about it. i don’t have the energy to deeply deal with ace headcanons lately. it feels like the online world is hyperaware of us now, if anything. everybody has an opinion. moreover, people feel entitled to an opinion, in a way they weren’t before. people feel like it can be their opinion that my ace experiences aren’t lgbt, or that my sexuality doesn’t exist or even harms theirs, or... i don’t know. what will be the next big reason asexuality is terrible/invalid/not lgbt?

if you bothered to read or hell just skimmed this long post... thank you.

thank you. 

i know i’ve been quiet about a lot of this. not all the time, but a lot of the time. i feel bad about that, a little? i want people to know what this looks like. knowing asexuality exists is so, so good. but knowing that ace people are facing right now, the movement of hatred that has swept across pockets of lgbt people in recent years, and having the awareness to try and combat it...

it would mean a lot to me, if it felt like more of that could exist.

[theclaravoyant]

hi! I was wondering about aromanticism a little bit. I feel like I'm just confused about drawing the line (if there even is a truly distinct line) between a platonic relationship and an exclusive relationship where one or more members are aromantic but are sexually attracted to each other? I feel like the desire for intimate nonsexual touching like a hand on a cheek or forehead kisses is romantic and something I don't do with even my closest friends, but other ppl consider those things platonic.

(2/2) sometimes ppl say I'm too picky bc I don't tend to have frequent romantic crushes but I feel like my romantic attraction stems from friendship. not totally sure where the line is but I feel like the defining thing might be desire to commit to the other person. what is it called if the aromantic party in a relationship doesn't want their romantic partner to have a romantic (not platonic) attachment to someone else? sorry if this ask makes no sense but thanks in advance!

-

Hi! Thanks for the ask.

For sure, it is a difficult line to draw no matter what your orientation is. I actually don’t consider myself aro, so I’ll open this to the floor for input by people with more experience than myself, but for what its worth here are my two cents:

I feel like I'm just confused about drawing the line (...) between a platonic relationship and an exclusive relationship where one or more members are aromantic but are sexually attracted to each other

A lot of this comes down to the definition between the people involved, but basically: the average platonic relationship doesn’t involve sexual attraction. If there is platonic friendship and sexual attraction both present, but not romantic love, this might be a “friends with benefits” situation - which is almost always not exclusive - or, it might be something akin to a “queerplatonic” relationship.

A queerplatonic relationship is a defined/established and often exclusive relationship that people outside the relationship may observe as a romantic relationship. It is usually a couple, though it can be a group, of people who feel a strong commitment to each other without a sense of romantic love. Again, the platonic/romantic line is up to the people involved to discover for themselves, but essentially a QP is a particularly strong or deep friendship often associated with the desire to do things together that romantic couples would usually do, from sometimes involving cuddling and/or sex, through to living together and raising pets or even children together. This is why it can be very difficult to draw lines - all the lines are in our own hearts and minds!

I feel like the desire for intimate nonsexual touching like a hand on a cheek or forehead kisses is romantic and something I don't do with even my closest friends, but other ppl consider those things platonic.

This is a common thing to feel, I think. Everybody has different comfort levels and different behaviours. For example, in some Polynesian cultures, forehead touching is a common platonic greeting whereas a lot of Western folk would see it as quite an intimate, usually romantic thing. It’s up to you to explore within yourself whether that is a comfort level or practice, or an orientation (and these things often overlap; different people and cultures have different experiences of sexuality and gender for reasons far beyond our comprehension. What you feel and how you choose to label it is very personal, though exploring other peoples’ personal stories can help you navigate).

Personally, I would see those acts or the desire for them as romantic, but not inherently sexual. I notice that you have not distinguished sexual desire/love in your question. If you have perhaps combined it into your definition of romantic love, it may be helpful for you to consider them separately. They often coexist, but not necessarily. If you are interested in exploring your own orientation or relationships, consider aromanticism and asexuality. It may be that you in fact feel strong romantic attraction, but little sexual attraction, which may be the source of some of your confusion.

sometimes ppl say I'm too picky bc I don't tend to have frequent romantic crushes but I feel like my romantic attraction stems from friendship. 

Again, this is a very common thing. In fact, in my opinion, the best and healthiest romantic attraction/relationships - especially as distinct from sexual attraction - stem from friendship on some level; otherwise, you’re probably falling for someone you don’t know or over-romanticising them which can cause trouble down the line.

This is another point toward exploring romantic and sexual attraction separately. Many “crushes” are based on physical / sexual attraction on some level, moreso than friendship, as they tend to be related to people we don’t know well. If you feel like you don’t really develop a “crush” on someone unless you know them (or feel like you do, eg. ‘knowing’ a character on a TV show might allow you to crush on that character and/or their actor) & have developed a friendship with them, you might want to look into demisexuality. It is on the ace (asexual) rather than aro spectrum but it sounds like something that might relate to your experience.

I feel like the defining thing might be desire to commit to the other person. what is it called if the aromantic party in a relationship doesn't want their partner to have a romantic (not platonic) attachment to someone else

Both of what you’re referring to here comes under “queerplatonic”. As mentioned above it is a relationship that often looks like a romantic couple, but based on internal definition by the parties involved, is not actually a romantic relationship. From my research, the defining factor was commonly described as “a desire to spend one’s lives together” (but without romantic attraction). If you’re asking based on my fic Peas in a Pod, the reality is that QPs are very much like romantic relationships in the way that they, including their exclusivity, are defined by the people involved. How FitzSimmons define their QP is definitely not representative of all QPs and in fact, due to the highly committed nature of a QP, above and beyond a typical friendship, a significant majority of QPs are exclusive, just like many monogamous and even polyamorous romantic relationships.

*a slightly more complex note, if the aromantic party doesn’t want their partner to have a relationship with someone else, but the other person does want one, that’s an issue that the couple has to sort out and they may not be right for each other if that is the case. However, they can mutually agree to be exclusive, or potentially agree upon a polyamorous arrangement that balances their desires. In this case, the party with one aromantic partner and one romantic partner might identify themselves as part of both a QP, and a romantic couple, while the aromantic partner would only consider themselves part of the QP and the third party, only part of the romantic couple.

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Long story short: the line between platonic and romantic attraction is a difficult one, and we’ve been writing poems and novels and rom-coms about it for years, but in the end it’s up to each of us within ourselves. Separating platonic, romantic, and sexual attraction from each other can be helpful in exploring this and in particular, demisexuality is something you may wish to look into further, as are queerplatonic relationships. 

If you would like more information or resources, Jemma Simmons explores aromanticism in this fic, and I have included a lot of my research as well as sources themselves throughout. I’ve also been told that the narrative-ish format makes things easier to digest, for people who are exploring the subject.

I am but a humble fic writer so that’s what I have to offer, but if you’re thinking about aromanticism I recommend seeking out some aro bloggers who might help you out. Some that I know of include @unlessimwrongwhichyouknowimnot @just-a-funny-little-brain and @buskidsburgade. They may be willing to chat or direct you two some more aro (& maybe ace, if you think the ace spectrum might also be relevant to you) resources. And, of course, I am happy to help in any way I can.

#aromanticism #queerplatonic #lgbt+ #happy pride! #if anyone I've identified here wishes to be removed let me know #ask me stuff #Anonymous