If you change your mind, I’m here
Fandom: Resident Evil
Pairing: GN!Reader/Leon Scott Kennedy
Summary: Reader muses on the last time they saw Leon - the day they broke up with him.
Read on AO3
I always think of you when it rains. Are you keeping warm, whereever you are? Do the old breaks still ache?
Stupid question, of course they do. But I wish, for your sake, that they didn't.
"How many times can a body be broken to pieces and put together again?"
I'd asked you that once, and you just laughed.
"I don't know, but I'm on track to find out," you replied.
You said it so easily, too. Like you weren't scared. Like you didn't have nightmares every night about all the things you'd seen.
Maybe it's not raining where you are. Maybe you're not in our state today. Maybe not even our country. Maybe you're out in Spain, or Russia, or China. Out fighting the newest horror to spring up from Umbrella's legacy.
I hope not, for your sake.
"I'm getting too old for this," you used to joke, years ago, back when you were just getting started. Back when the government wasn't giving you a choice.
Do you have a choice now, I wonder? She's old enough to fend for herself now, isn't she? And you are getting older. How much longer do they mean to puppet your strings? Will they use you until there's nothing left? Until you're too broken to put back together again?
Stupid question. When have the people in power ever let someone retire while they still have life in them?
We parted on a day like this. Rainy, with a cloying humidity that made every touch feel tacky and unpleasantly sticky.
We met for coffee. One of your rare days off that lined up with one of mine. I knew, going in, how our conversation would end. The answer you would give the question I planned to ask. But even so, I asked anyway. Even so, I held on to hope, as small a hope as it was.
If you sensed something was off, you gave no sign of it. You met me with a tired but true smile, my favorite already in your hand, sitting at our usual table. It almost made me change my mind. How could I even consider —
But then I noticed the mostly-faded bruises on your wrists, and the way you winced as you shifted a little too far to the left, and my resolve revived.
I gave you a smile, or at least, I tried to. Your return expression made me wonder how successful I was. Not very, I would guess. I took the drink you held out to me, and stared down at it as I took that first sip. Did my hands shake? Did you see it if they did?
Stupid question. Of course you did. You always had a way for noticing things like that.
"Some rain," you said. Your long bangs (impractical, but so endearing) were practically pasted to your forehead.
It managed to get a chuckle out of me. "Bit of an understatement," I replied. I dug through my backpack, and handed you a dry towel.
You smiled fondly at me as you took it. "Over-prepared as always."
"One of us should be," I replied teasingly.
A familiar exchange. One I miss more than I thought I would. It was a bit of a joke. In most cases, you were far more prepared for disaster than I was. But in the small things, I had you beat.
I watched as you patted your hair dry, leaving it messier than it started, sticking up at odd angles, melting my heart. You looked younger like that. Less jaded by the world.
When you were done, you looked at the towel for a moment, as if unsure whether to hand it back or hold on to it. You met my eyes, and then, nodding to yourself, handed it back.
"Say it," you said. Your face was neutral, but your eyes were sad. You knew. We both did. But neither of us could change a thing.
I swallowed. "I.... Would you quit? Retire?" I'd had a speech. Arguments and evidence, all eloquently arranged. But looking at you, I lost it all. You always did have a way of making me speechless.
You exhaled slowly, closing your eyes.
We'd talked around this before. I'd worried about you. The injuries, the close-calls. Spain had been a bad one. Almost an argument. You'd nearly lost yourself to the monsters you fought. But I always let the subject drop. Because I knew that what you were doing was important. That no one else could do it. That it needed to be done. But... it had been years. There were others now. Others who hadn't been so hurt. Others who didn't wake in cold sweat every night, who didn't drink themselves to sleep in the first place.
It didn't have to be you anymore. You could pass the torch, surely. Take time to heal, to rest.
But I knew, even before I asked, what your answer would be. Your heart, despite everything, was too good.
Sometimes I think maybe it's more than that. Sometimes I think — maybe — you just don't know any other way to live any more. That if you tried to settle into one place, to drift into the average everyday of groceries and appointments and tv... you wouldn't know what to do with yourself. Whatever hobbies you'd once had, whatever aspirations, wishes, or daydreams — had all been lost. Eroded by years of fight-run-survive that left no room for such things. All you knew were monsters, terror, and blood.
And me.
At least, so I'd flattered myself sometimes, back then. I'd hoped that maybe I could be enough. That I could be there for you through it, if you would just lay your burdens down. If you would just let me.
But even still, I knew. And so did you.
You opened your eyes, sad, steely blue. And you shook your head.
I bit my lower lip, and stared back down the straw of my drink. I wasn't going to cry. Not because of pride. But because I didn't want to hurt you any more than I had to. I took another sip, swallowed, and then a deep breath.
"I love you," I said firmly. "But I can't watch this destroy you any more."
You winced again, your brows drawn together in pain. And slowly, you nodded.
"I understand," you said. You took a deep pull of your own drink.
I wondered if you had spiked it before I arrived. I felt certain you had.You never shared your drinks with me. You'd joke that it was because you might be contagious, but I knew. It was the alcohol.
"I'm sorry," I said. My heart clenched in my chest at the thought of never seeing you again. But I had to. Stars help me, I had to.
Maybe it would change things. maybe you'd change your mind with time, and someday I'd find you, standing at my doorstep, sober and free.
It hasn't happened yet.
"Don't be," you said, your voice thick. "I understand," you repeated.
"If... If you ever..." I tried. My own voice swimming with the tears I wouldn't shed. At least, not in front of you.
"Yeah," you murmured. "I know." You met my eyes again, then, and forced a smile. "If you ever need me... you know my number."
I laughed. A wet, sad thing. "I know." I said.
If the zombies ever found their way to my door, or stars know what else, you were the one to call. If I survived long enough to make the call. I didn't rate my chances very high. You'd always believed that I'd surprise myself, if the time came. Said that I had all the right instincts.
I rose from my chair, and walked over to you. I pressed a kiss to your cheek. "Stay safe. Please."
Stars,I miss the warmth of you. I can still remember the texture of your cheek beneath my lips, though time does its level best to steal that from me.
You swallowed. "I'll do my best," you replied.
"You always do," I said. It just wasn't enough.
"Take care of yourself," you told me.
I sniffed. The tears would come as soon as I left the shop. "I'll try," I said. I was never very good at that. Over prepared backpack aside.
We were both disasters in our own ways. But the gaps in me had lined up well with the gaps in you, and together we'd managed to muddle into something solid. But not solid enough to withstand the way you were coming apart at the seams.
I left the shop.
I haven't seen you since. Haven't heard your voice. Not even on the phone. I’ve heard about you a few times. Though not as much as I'd like. Claire doesn't hear from you often either, even if she does hear more than I do.
But I think of you all the time. On rainy days like today. On days when the clouds make the world feel like an impermanent dream. And I wonder: how much more can a person withstand? How long until the news I hear sends me to my knees in grief? Or will I never even hear about it? Maybe you'll meet your end in some far-off continent, alone, and in secret. Would they tell me? Would they tell Claire, or her brother, or any of the other people you know? The people who care for you? Stars, I hope they tell us. But most of all, I hope you won't meet your end alone like that.
I hope, despite everything, that one day I'll find you outside my door. Older and worn, with new aches and scars, but alive and wiser. Alive and free.
I would open my door for you, no matter how long it takes. And I would raise my eyes to yours, and there you would find all the adoration that had ever been there, as though not a day had gone by since we parted.
That, at least, I can promise.
48 notes
·
View notes