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iamkidfish · 3 years

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Why Shelby’s teeth works so well as a metaphor for her sexuality

I know this has been talked about a lot but I got sent an ask that made me have a Shelby breakdown so I just thought I’d add my two cents :’)

It’s pretty clear Shelby’s sexuality is linked with her teeth. She says that her flipper is something that holds back all this “ugliness”-referencing the expectations of her life, her internalized homophobia from her father, and the guilt she feels over Becca’s death. That’s a lot of emotional weight packed into a tiny little piece of plastic, but it makes sense.

1. Expectations/Performance: Very quickly into Shelby’s episode, we see how ‘fake’ she really is. (By fake, I mean conforming to the expectations her family and life has provided to her as a means of self-preservation and survival) The pageants, the boyfriend, her teeth are all ‘given’ to her as things she is expected to perform under or with but Shelby’s compliance is a double edged sword: it allows her a safety net (to play a ‘role’ in her family/community but still have these feelings for her best friend) but it’s also the rope that’s constricting her

Does Shelby even like pageants? We know she’s good at them but why did she start competing in the first place? Was it Dave, who saw some early signs of Shelby liking girls and forced her to participate in one of the most gendered things in existence? Or does Shelby put herself into that environment willingly, knowing how she feels about Becca (or girls in general) as a way to shove down her feelings?

We know Shelby is perceptive of these expectations because she lays them all out in her argument with Toni in episode: “I’m not just talking about pageant stuff”. The first time Shelby kisses Becca she’s in a pageant dress (another thing symbolizing her expectations); the first time she kisses Toni, they’re literally talking about expectations in Shelby’s life-”You’re free here Shelby, On an island a million miles away from whatever bullshit expectations and if you’re not taking advantage of that, I don’t know what the fuck to tell you”. Also important: both of these scenes/kisses have a fallout; the first being the marker on Shelby’s dress (and her father noticing the mark and the kiss) and then Shelby literally running away from Toni in the second scene (and running back to expectations/role she’s known her whole life).

It’s also important to note: Shelby’s line to Martha in the pilot “I do family, I do jesus, I do pageants.” those are the three things that are actually harming her/forcing her into these boxes.

2. Dave Goodkind and internalized homophobia: Oh Dave...nothing like giving your kid years of trauma

Jokes aside, this is the most obvious connection between Shelby’s flipper and her sexuality. It’s mentioned in the show that Shelby first gets her fake teeth when she’s 11 and that’s a long time for her to link all of her insecurities and doubts and negative self-image to her retainer. I’m not completely sure but I think it can be easily interpreted that’s when Shelby realized she liked girls (or at least Becca)

Remember, Dave tells Shelby “God only does beautiful” after her parents initially say no to getting the permanent implants and I’m willing to bet that’s something he started to tell her when she first realized she needed the implants at 11.

It’s only until after Dave catches her kissing Becca that he starts to talk about “fixing” things

(Another important note: the scene where Shelby confronts her father about the kiss, he’s on the treadmill and in the very first scene we see of Shelby’s flashback, Dave is leading the cycling class. Exercise is another motif that is present during Shelby’s episode that relates back to the idea of image/appearance/expectations)

Dave tells Shelby “I still pray for everyone even if they don’t deserve it, even if they can’t be saved” and this is the first moment where it all crashes down. This is when his narrative changes and he changes what he’s telling Shelby to fit the narrative he has constructed.

So he decides to attack Shelby at her most vulnerable: the night she wins the pageant competition which, subsequently, is also the night she finds out that Becca has died. I’ve decided there is no way that Shelby’s parents (at least Dave) don’t know about Becca’s death. Other than the fact that they’re living in a small, conservative, religious Texas town, Shelby’s mom mentions Becca’s ‘mental health problems’, making it clear the news got out into the community, even if Becca’s parents tried to keep it under wraps.

Dave only mentions the possibility of Shelby getting permanents after the pageant competition, when he knows that Becca is dead, which is interesting to me. Obviously there could have been other times he mentioned it, but the writers’ specifically chose to include it in that scene, emphasizing the metaphor of Shelby’s sexuality being linked to her teeth. Dave is telling her “look, Becca’s death is your fault, the relationship that has been broken to the most extreme, these things are fixable. and you will be fixed.”

Again the metaphor is basically confirmed with the order of scenes in Shelby’s episode. Dave continues to push Shelby into getting the permanents, even after Shelby’s mother looks shocked and protests, saying “if it can be fixed, the pain is worth it”. I think in the very next interview scene Shelby tells Faber and Young that she had “very different plans” for the summer and she also has her flipper still (and it’s still cracked), signifying Dave’s plan for her conversion didn’t work. Assuming that’s how Gretchen marketed it to him for him to agree to send her.

I know there are also some theories around saying that Dave is also gay but went through some kind of conversion therapy, from the way he talks to Shelby, and with all the metaphor about the teeth being genetic-I couldn’t find the post but thought that was interesting to add.

3. Guilt about Becca’s death

Oops this is getting long so I’ll make this short.

But Shelby tells everyone that know one else knows about her flipper, except in the flashback scene where Shelby kisses Becca, Dave invites her to stay for dinner. Obviously this had a double meaning, but what’s important is that it’s casual and feels authentic, like it’s been happening for a long time. And why shouldn’t it, Becca and Shelby have been friends for years, of course Becca is going to eat dinner with Shelby’s family. So she has also seen Shelby’s flipper/knows about her teeth.

There’s a lot to be said about the parallels of Toni and Becca both telling Shelby that they “see” her in someway but for me, the most important part is after Leah accuses Shelby of being the spy in ep 7. Both Toni and Becca, the only two people who Shelby has confided in her feelings with/kissed and know about her teeth, say that “see” her.

Shelby tells Toni, it’s “just another reason to hate me, not that you need any more” connecting back to the conversation she had with Becca on the porch, and you realize that, through the connection, Shelby fully blames herself for Becca’s death and feels as if Becca hates her, because, she believes, Toni does too.

#the wilds #the wilds headcanon #shelby goodkind #shelby goodkind character study #toni shalifoe #toni x shelby #shoni #becca gilroy #shelby x becca #don't talk to me im emotionally about shelby again

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maskthedwarf · 2 years

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Okay let's fucking rant! WOOOO!

So today kids, we're gonna talk about religious boundaries and religious superiority. TRIGGER WARNING FOR ABORTION MENTION, RELIGIOUS TRAUMA AND RELIGIOUS MENTIONS!

Up until I was 8 years old, I was raised strictly Catholic. My dad is Protestant, my Mum is Catholic so you can imagine how their marriage turned out /hj

However even after I stopped going to church, my mum still kept me and my sister within her religious beliefs. She'd say "God bless" every night and expect us to say it back, She'd say "don't take the Lord's name in vain" saying 'Oh My God' was fine but 'Jesus Christ' wasn't okay appearantly. She also held alot of sexist beliefs that are typically upheld by religion, like men need to be strong and women need to birth any child they have (obviously she's very anti-abortion because of this). Now what I want to talk about, is the first one.

If someone is going through something, or there's a struggle in the world (which there seems to be alot of these days), she will tell me "I know you don't believe in God but can you please say a wee prayer?". Now on the surface, this may seem pretty natural and heartfelt, she wants people to be safe and okay. However there's a massive issue with saying this to me in particular; and by that I mean I am a Pagan Witch Demonolatrist who follows LaVeyan Satanist Statements and Philosophy.

Do you see the problem here? I don't follow her God, in fact I very much worship the opposite in the form of literal Demons. I left my faith so early because I was sick of feeling stuck in a world that was simply just used for propaganda of a group that didn't care about me as a person, but only cared that I could spread more of their bullshit. I don't care what religion you believe, but also keep in mind that others have their own beliefs. I'm very much anti-catholic in my life, I don't want to be associated with that in any way and very much plan to write a letter of Apostasy whenever I turn 18 (it's what you write to legally leave the Roman Catholic Church, I didn't even know I was still in it until a year ago which is so fucked).

The reason these people still tell us to "Pray for people" even it we don't do that in our religion, is because Abrahamic Religions have become a social norm and if you don't follow one of them you're weird or it's blasphemy, and that is very damaging and harmful to other faiths and our societal structure as a whole. I don't want to spend the rest of my life having to follow these micro-rituals of another religion while I very clearly and openly practice my own that makes me so much happier.

This is yet another subconscious (and sometimes even overtly conscious) way of these Religions trying to keep people in their little big circle, even when they don't want to be. Even the fact that my mum won't let me write a letter of apostasy to leave shows that even if you say you don't believe their religion, they're still gonna do everything they can to stay latched onto you and follow you around like a crazy ex that refuses to get the hint. It's frustrating, and it's just straight up them thinking they're the one true religion and all others are inferior or "monsters tryna tempt us to sin". It's gross and disgusting.

My mother doesn't respect my religious boundaries, and often times I even have to hide my religion (mostly the demonolatry part). Everyone has their boundaries, everyone needs to have their boundaries respected. I don't care if you're 2 months old or 102 years old, you have boundaries and they need respected, it's basic human decency. This also applies to religion, it's the same reason I don't tell her "Satan curse you" before bed. That'd be fucked because it's not her religion, but she says to her openly non-catholic child "God bless" every night. Both need to be held to same standard, you can't say one is right and the other is wrong, religions are subjective and none of them should be the enemy of another. I made a similar argument a while back; if Bible Thumpers can preach their God in the streets with a legal grant and be protected under it, then why cant I get a legal grant to preach about the 7 Princes of Hell? Because our society is founded on a few limited religions, and that isn't right. We can't shove our faith into eachother's faces and say "See? It's good right?" That isn't how it works, make your religion clear all you want but don't go around the streets trying to tell people to convert, it makes you look like an absolute cunt (which you probably are if that's what you choose to do in your spare time on one of the two days you get off work, this applies double if it IS what you do for work).

In conclusion, do not latch your micro-rituals onto people who do not follow your faith! It is forceful, wrong and unfair!

TRIGGER WARNING FOR ABORTION MENTION, RELIGIOUS TRAUMA AND RELIGIOUS MENTIONS ABOVE!

#mel rambles #mel vents #religion #catholicism #tw religious mention #religious trauma #satanism #laveyansatanism #pagan #paganism

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heavenaintaniceplace · 3 years

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so i found my mother’s copy of the jw (new world translation) bible and i decided to yoink that shit for disposal but not before i realized there is a lot of lines highlighted in the book from when she was being manipulated by the jw lady that convinced her to do “bible study” for years. and what do you know if the lines the lady had my mother highlight weren’t the same lines that jws use to justify their cult beliefs! all the lines are cherry picked, no actual study, just the lady manipulating and priming her to accept their beliefs by presenting so called “biblical proof.” so here is some of the things that stand out before i finally rip this thing to shreds and through it away.

literally the whole book replaces every instance of the tetagrammaton with “jehovah” because they want people to believe its been “removed from the bible thousands of times because they don’t want you to know the true name of god”. the whole thing is translated with an agenda to make them look right and everyone else wrong and to make people believe they have some secret hidden knowledge (they don’t they’re liars). putting this under a read more because its very long.

heavy TW for everything related ro religious trauma, the jehovah’s witnesses, bible passages and christianity. incredibly long post. i plan on burning the jehovah’s witness copy of the bible, no joke.

the imago dei part of genesis to try and convince her that humans were super special to god

genesis chapter 3, the serpent convincing eve to eat the fruit of knowledge so that she would accept their version of the original sin doctrine and that women are cursed

chapter where cain kills abel to convince her that this was the first murder in human history (obviously incorrect)

highlighted the part where god kills everything on earth with a flood to groom her into expecting god to do it again later and seen as fair and just and part where god “gives” noah every living creature (because fuck other organisms apparently)

part of leviticus where (in their version) theyre like “no soul must eat blood” (what the fuck) to justify not allowing life saving blood transfusions

deuteronomy part about “jehovah being one” to justify being non trinitarian (they don’t believe jesus is god or that the holy spirit is god, this is meant to lure people who are already christians away from their denoms and into theirs)

“thou shall not kill” is highlighted for some reason and i don’t know why

highlighted job 1:12 to emphasize that they believe satan is in control of the world because god allows it and job 26:7 that has a note saying “the earth hangs there” when talking about sheol to convince her of where earth is relative to “heaven” and using a bunch of “face of the waters” creationist language to make it vague as possible. job 27:5 to make her believe that “no one is righteous” and that saying so is sinful

part in psalms that assures that “wicked people will be no more if you just wait a little while longer” (this is the apocalypse imminent narrative they use to groom people with fear of dying or leaving but also to get them warmed up to the idea of mass death). “the righteous will inherit the earth and live forever” narrative so they believe that jws will live on earth forever after being resurrected while everyone else (whos not a jw) is killed by god

psalms 91 to drive home the fact that these people think theyre invincible in every meaning of the word, to natural disasters and disease etc

proverbs 6 part about “false witnesses”. jws believe that three jehovah’s witnesses have to be present to verify that a crime (like domestic or sexual abuse) actually happened or the governing body and elders don’t care. literally. the “false witness” narrative is used against survivors and people they want to silence in their organization and emphasizes how much jehovah hates “false witnesses” aka people brave enough to talk and victims

proverbs 12:18 about “wise and unwise tongues”, basically anyone that speaks out against the jws are “unwise” and harmful

proverbs 22 about raising children (”train up a child”, if you don’t know it already this is a child abuser dog whistle) that implies that indoctrination will last until adulthood if done right. this is especially bad because this copy is from the early 2000s when i was in kindergarten. this woman had been lurking on us since i was an infant.

proverbs 27 about how neighbors near is better than brothers far away. the implication here is that fundamentally family who aren’t jws don’t matter

ecclesiates 5. i genuinely think its warning people to not ask too much of god or risk his anger, thats the vibe im getting here because the wording is confusing as fuck

isiah 40:22 trying to hammer in the notion that god is greater than anything especially “worldly” governments (except the governing body ofc /s). isiah 43:10 the “you are my witnesses” to justify the name “jehovah’s witnesses” and shoehorn the idea in

daniel 2:40, the idea of an indescribable kingdom, the whole kingdoms in the “last days” conspiracy they use to convince people the “last days” are coming

matthew 4:8 where jesus is persuaded by satan by offering every kingdom on earth. the point in text is “don’t worship anyone except god” but the point of the jws is that nothing on earth actually matters

matthew 6:9 (nice), the our father, meant to make the reader to ask god to hasten the kingdom of god or as we ex-jws know hasten the apocalypse and the death of people they dont like

matthew 16:24, meant to convince people to leave everything behind and join the jws, “disown yourself” aka “die to yourself” toxic bullshit repackaged

matthew 19:9, to convince people that divorce even in instances of domestic abuse is wrong because the governing body won’t allow it and loves to control women

matthew 24:4-14, “anyone who doesnt speak for the jws is a false prophet” and warms people up to the notion that war is necessary; also that evidence of war is a sign of the “last days” and that this is supposed to be good news. ongoing war and the hope for global genocide is “good news” to them.

matthew 24:21. this one is meant to make people feel the apocalypse could happen at any time and to be afraid of it, a great war is coming and only the “chosen ones” (jehovah’s witnesses) will survive when everyone else dies. there’s a paper bookmark on this page. makes me wonder.

mark 8:34. the “die to yourself” bullshit, the idea that the cross was a “torture stake” because jws believe that wearing crosses is idolatry and they want other people to believe their quirky beliefs so they accept heavier things

matthew 10:28, “anyone who follows jehovah and jesus will literally live forever!” but also that “no one is prepared to leave their family for jesus and thats shameful because you should want to sacrifice your entire family!”

mark 11:24 “anything you pray for earnestly you get”. this is spiritual bypassing btw. and :25 “ask for forgiveness and be automatically forgiven no matter what you did” is also fucked

matthew 15-23: jesus (almost) gets wasted while being crucified etc, not sure why this one is highlighted unless im missing some jw bullshit here

luke 20:27. don’t understand this one but they’re threatening “heavier judgement” on people

john 5:28, promising resurrection through jesus after people die but only for the Good tm people (the jws)

john 6:15. how jesus is about to be arrested but goes to a mountain. dunno why this on is underlined

john 11:24. bringing home the same “jesus will save you from dying if youre a jw” bullshit. john 14:6 “jesus is the ONLY way ever! there can’t be anything else except jesus” indoctrination tailored to make you co-dependent. john 17:3, hook line and sinker of promising resurrection and “eternal life” again

john 17:15. here is the “we aren’t of the World tm” shit meant to make you feel outcast from everyone else who isnt a jw, setting up “the world” (everyone else) as other

acts 15:25. “follow the jw rules because the holy spirit you to”

romans 10:10, spread jw beliefs and witness as much as possible. romans 12:9 “hate everything jehovah hates so you’re not a hypocrite” basically means hate other people the jws don’t approve of

corinthians 6:9 (nice but not so nice this time) “anyone we don’t like won’t inherit the earth” translation: anyone we don’t like won’t survive the apocalypse thats definitely happening soon so always be afraid. “homosexuals” are changed to “men kept for unnatural purposes for this one.” still homophobic.

corinthians 7:6, the idea that everyone has a gift that needs to be exploited and used by the jws

corinthians 15:33. “don’t participate in any activities with any outsiders because it will lead you away from jehovah!! fun is ‘drunkenness’, you’ll loose your resurrection if you do!! non jw people are bad influences!!”

2 corinthians 7:1. your body and flesh is defiled, you need to be cleansed in order to be good

galatians 5:20. “having human emotions is sinful! struggling is sinful! being angry is sinful! having a bad day is sinful!” basically that being human is inherently wrong or something

ephesians 3:14. tries to make people believe everything is owed to god only and that obedience is good so they fall for cult power structures later. 4:28 here is just the top of the page being labeled “new personality” and thats all we need to know about indoctrination and cult personality vs actual personality. also “let not the sun set with you in a provoked state” being used against people still angry about being wronged and hurt by others and its been used against me a lot of times

ephesians 6:4. make sure the jw fathers provide the most discipline to children, literally uses the phrase “mental regulating of jehovah”. it couldn’t be more cult like at this point.

timothy 5:8 makes people believe that men alone are expected to provide and if they don’t they’re worse than “those without faith”. no pressure though!

timothy 6:19. wants people to neglect everything actually happening in favor of the “real life” (”eternal life”) instead and to constantly prepare for that instead of actually living life. dedicate your whole life to jw activities

titus 2. women need to be subjects to their husbands but also homemakers, live to glorify their husband, chaste and definitely not mentally ill or showing any symptoms. what the fuck is titus i never heard of this shit until today.

hebrews 1:7-14, trying to convince people that angels live to serve god but also has some superseccsionist/replacement theology (antisemitism) vibes going on

james 2:23, wants people to believe that god “putting people to the test” is actually a way to become “jehovah’s friend” and that being put to the test (read: suffering) is actually a good thing because it primes them to accept suffering as their fault later on. james 4:7 “everything evil will vanish if you rebuke it long enough!!”

peter 3:9 the “god’s timing is always right” gospel bs and encourages people not to do things themselves but to wait and also that jehovah will be on time when its time to start another global genocide. how encouraging! peter 3:13, the same “end of world near” scare tactic, “new heavens new earth” promise to eradicate everyone the jws dont like as that is jehvoah’s “promise” to the witnesses

1 john 3:8, their version of the original sin doctrine, the devil is the source of all evil scare tactic etc

short detour: every instance of “servant” is replaced with “slave” in this version. it makes me feel ill.

revelations 7:16, wants people to believe that god will take away all their pain and that they won’t need food or water to survive anymore (bullshit). also the jehovah’s witness 144,000 chosen people bullshit is here too but not highlighted

revelations 12:7-13, a depiction fo michael drop kicking satan and the implication that satan has always been in charge and not god because they want people to believe that. also that the devil will fall to earth and try to eat jws

revalations 14-4: virgins get dibs on heaven and god i guess. i dont know what the fuck is going on. 14:6 an angel yelling fear god from above, probably where the jws get most of their apocalyptic imagery from that they use to scare children into believing they could die at any minute

so now that we finally got to the end of that mess, their version of revalations ends with jesus saying “yes, i am coming quickly” and “may the undeserved kindness of jesus christ be with the holy ones.”

joking aside, everything highlighted in this copy of this book has been used against me and my mother for years and is a huge part of the reason i have religious trauma now. everything she was told or encouraged to highlight aided jehovah’s witness indoctrination and propaganda, her own indoctrination and eventually mine which apparently started even earlier than i thought.

#ex christian #haanp.txt #ex jehovah's witness #ex jw #exvangelical #religious trauma

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whump-town · 4 years

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Take Me to Church

Here it is: my religious!Hotch fic turned Bisexual!Hotch fic. I hope you enjoy my hard work, tears, and disaster bi-thoughts

Warning: language, sex, homosexuality **there’s no real need for a warning for that but I’d just like to market this to my fellow gays**, religious trauma, Catholic guilt, child abuse, smoking, mention of AIDS in passing but no one has it, character death(s) **not anyone major**, Aaron Hotchner’s mega big boy grande sized guilt complex, ooc bc Aaron Hotchner has the proper emotions, and just general all around intense feelings

The only Heaven I'll be sent to, Is when I'm alone with you, I was born sick, but I love it, Command me to be well

Word count: 5,794

Praying never made much sense to Aaron Hotchner.

As a child, he’d prayed with crimson teeth and a bleeding tongue for his mother to be spared in his father’s rampant beatings. The priest always said that prayer shouldn’t be selfish. As he sat on his bruised knees and whispered between sobs, he hadn’t been thinking about himself. He’d been thinking about the little brother in his mother’s womb. About the pregnancy that wouldn’t survive if his father didn’t stop hitting on her. About his poor mother who looked sicker each day.

He must have done something wrong because when God had answered his prayers...

“Come on now son. Don’t be difficult,” the priest’s heavy hands pull him away from his mother’s grave. His suit hadn’t fit well that morning but logged with the rain pouring overhead, it now hangs from his bones. They make their way back home. Back to his miserable son of a bitch father.

That night, the priest had tucked him into bed and Aaron rolls over in his bed to put his back to the man. As the old man turned to cut the lights, Aaron finally speaks for the first time all day. He’d found his voice deep within his chest and laced it with his father’s unhinged anger. “I killed her,” he whispers, hot tears running down his cheeks.

The priest shakes his head. “No.” And, the old man could never know this, but what he said next would stay with Aaron for the rest of his life. “It was her time, son.”

God had killed her.

That day was the first time Aaron had ever seen his father cry. He’d stood in the hallway and watched his father sob on his knees, cursing God and swearing up a storm. At seven-years-old, he wondered if God had a sense of humor. He must, after all, to leave Aaron all alone.

Ten-years later he stood in the same spot his father had kneeled in. He’d looked up at the ceiling and prayed again. He’d begged for his father’s life to be spared. “Just this once, okay, just this once---” but his father had never been a good man. A shitty excuse for a dad but Sean thinks he’s a good man. That’s what mattered: Sean. That’s the only thing that had ever mattered. “For Sean, please? He’s never done anything wrong.”

His father died two days later. A heart attack. The doctor’s called it mercy. For who? The man who beat him senseless for fifteen years before he just sold Aaron off to a boarding school. Calling Aaron’s inability to make friends and emotional outbursts the product of the devil and not his senseless beating. The same man who called Aaron writing with his left hand the simplest proof that his mother had been a whore. She had to have cheated to have created a bastard like Aaron.

Mercy? Is that really what he’d deserved?

He has bible scriptures carved into his back. Thin white lines left by his father’s heavy hand and the black belt he wore to court each Tuesday. The only mercy he’s ever known is the black surrounder right before he falls asleep. That twisted hope that maybe his dad hit him too hard. That he won’t wake up this time.

It felt like communion-- Eucharist, standing to receive his bread and wine.

The body of Christ.

“Daddy please-” he makes no sound as the belt comes down over his shoulder. Any noise is a symbol of greater guilt, a better reason to keep hitting. He doesn’t cry, he doesn’t move.

Amen.

Remember, God is always watching. No bullshitting, he knows.

Aaron cums with a cry. A sob really.

Sam lifts his head from where he’s buried it in Aaron’s neck, leaving the hickey he’d been sucking to die on its own. He sits up, his arousal forgotten as his heart pounds in his chest with fear. “Are you alright,” he asks, pulling them apart with a quick jerk. His hands are traveling down but he stops when Aaron’s hand grabs his wrist. “Baby, if I hurt you---”

Aaron shakes his head but the tears streaming down his face says otherwise. “I’m sorry,” he gasps. He buries his head in his hands, shoulders shaking as he can’t stop the tears. Sam moves out of the way of his legs, giving Aaron the space necessary to curl into himself.

Sam still has no idea what’s wrong. It had been fine. Things were fine.

It occurs to him a moment too late.

“Fuck,” he curses, seething. Not at Aaron or the mood now officially lost--- but for the boy that Aaron never got to be. To the God that Aaron believes so feverishly and unwavering in. “It’s alright,” he soothes, moving along the bed to where Aaron is. He pulls his boyfriend into his lap, holding Aaron to his chest. “Nothing is going to happen, Aaron. It’s going to be okay.”

Sam has never been religious. It wasn’t something his parents had considered important. Standing at over 6’5 and two hundred pounds of just muscle, no one even suspects he’s anything but straight. People who do know… no one’s going to say anything to a guy like him. The same thing goes for Aaron. He may be a little on the scrawny side but he’s 6’2 and no one blinks an eye at the two of them spending so much time together.

It’s not people they have to worry about.

They can be cruel and unaccepting but AIDS is still rampant through-out not only the college’s campus but through-out the gay community.

But Aaron’s a little too preoccupied with God.

Sam’s not even sure if there’s such a thing.

“Aaron!” Picking him up by his shoulders, he pulls Aaron upright. They’ve passed sobbing and moved to a panic attack. “Alright,” Sam fails to soothe. He pulls Aaron off the bed, holding him close when his legs shake beneath him. “Easy,” he mumbles, his heartbreaking--- Aaron can’t walk. It takes a great bit of work on Sam’s part but with a grunt, he lifts Aaron off his feet.

Stumbling in the direction of the bathroom, he carries Aaron. “It’s gonna be alright,” Sam promises. This isn’t the first time this has happened. Sam would like to think he’s a good boyfriend (he is). He did as much research as he could. So that he would know how to help Aaron the next time one of these events started happening.

Into the freezing shower they go.

Clutched, naked body to naked body, they rock until Aaron’s broken sobs die down. Until Sam can feel Aaron’s breathing steady out, hot exhales washing over his goosebump riddled flesh.

Against the bare skin of Sam’s shoulder, Aaron whispers Hail Mary to himself. His long fingers tapping against his thumb like counting rosary beads, “---of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now---” It’s the only coping mechanism he’s ever learned.

Sam presses a kiss to his temple. Aaron hates that he turns his head for more. Turns his head until Sam’s hands are tangled in his hair and holding him tightly. Sam kisses him softly, full of love. He doesn’t deserve that.

“Sodomy is a sin,” he whispers, against Sam’s lips.

Sam smiles, shaking his head. He doesn’t care. “Did you like it,” Sam asks, voice husky. He wraps himself back around Aaron, shaking from the cold of the water still pouring down over them. Fingers moving up Aaron’s back, he tangles them in his hair.

Aaron… knows the answer. He also knows that sin is often appealing. Sam is the sin that Aaron can never walk away from. What he always comes back for. “Yes,” he answers, honestly. He had liked it. He’d liked it a lot. Sex with Sam is gentle and overwhelming and--- sin. It’s still sin.

“That’s all that matters,” Sam presses kisses back to Aaron’s neck. Smiling against his skin when Aaron arches into the touch.

Aaron can never make Sam understand that this principle isn’t that simple. It’s a black and white morality. Heaven or hell.

But, maybe…

Sam reaches around behind him and cuts the water off, Aaron shivers against his chest leaning closer to the touches that are trailing down his body. Sam pulls him closer so that Aaron’s in his lap. With a grunt, Aaron allows Sam to push into him and mouth open in a silent cry of pleasure he falls into Sam’s shoulder.

“Jesus,” Sam curses, pulling Aaron closer. “You---” he moans, tilting his head back. This time, Aaron’s sets the pace. Slow and steady. It hurts but it’s an ache he’s familiar with. The lube from earlier mostly washed away but he’s prepped and anything is better than thinking about Hell.

His doomed eternity.

“You’re so good, baby boy.” Sam holds him close, his fingers digging into Aaron’s hips. “Fu-Fuck---”

Why is it that the only thing that has ever made sense to him a sin?

Sam dies in the middle of first semester their Junior year. Though it’s never stated, it’s Aaron’s fault. Sam wouldn’t have been on the road that if Aaron just prayed harder or been a better man. Panic attacks are a product of a shaky relationship with God and Aaron wouldn’t have had one, he wouldn’t have called Sam freaking out, if he’d just… believed harder.

Aaron knows it’s his fault. He never gets over that guilt.

He marries Haley at the end of Senior year and they invite Sam’s parents to the wedding. No one knows the true extent of Aaron and Sam’s relationship but Haley knows something was going on between the two. They’d been high school sweethearts, separated by his years spent away at college. Separated by Aaron’s love for a man.

He comes home different but she loves him. She also knows that her mother approves of Aaron’s God-fearing ways. Religion is good in a man like him, her mother had warned, you can see the darkness in him. She bites her tongue and moves on.

Until she sees the darkness too.

The divorce breaks him.

He starts having panic attacks again, worse than the ones in college. No one notices. He knows they just write him off as a dick. He’s just a robot to them. Emotionless and he can work with that. So, he is a robot. Just marching through life and flying by the seat of his pants, hoping that it all goes well.

But he knows… each night as the panic bubbles in his chest and has him falling to his knees that hell is the only place he’s going. It’s going to take more than prayers to save a sinner like him.

“Hotch?” He jumps at the sudden intrusion. Looking to his left, none other than Emily Prentiss is standing on the balcony. She’s grinning from ear to ear and shaking her head. “What are you doing up so late?”

The cigarette trapped between his lips should answer that well enough.

The thing is, he’s not as slick as he thinks he is. She’s noticed him pulling away. Dave has noticed--- hell, everyone has noticed something is wrong. So, when Emily Prentiss had been tossing and turning in her own bed and smelled the wafting, faint scent of cigarette smoke she’d gotten curious. She certainly hadn’t expected to find him.

“Mind some company?”

And with those three simple words she’d pulled him from the edge.

That night they burned through four cigarettes. Sin, that night, had been just as he remembered it once being. For a moment, as he stood--- her leaning against him and him leaning against her--- he had managed a smile. With a cigarette between his teeth, he’d taken his first real breath in years.

Foyet attacks him in his apartment and as he lies bleeding he hopes this is it. That the world will flicker out, he’s just a candle drowning it’s wax. Will there be a light or…

He wakes up in the hospital and he’s never been this cold in his life.

It’s Emily’s voice that pulls him from the white walls and the pain. She’s saying something about cigarettes and the seasons changing. He smiles, drugged and submissive, when she proposes the team go to Dave’s and get drunk. He doesn't’ even think about God, about the sin and the eternity in hell waiting for him. He just thinks about his team and the only family he’s ever really been a part of.

He wakes up thrashing--- a broken sob on his lips. There’s so much pain and he can’t think about anything other than death. Death and Hell and sin and the pain, oh fuck the pain.

Thin fingers wrap around his, squeezing and he looks up and finds JJ softly soothing him. Her fingers are ghosting along his forearms, rubbing circles into his pale skin. “Just breathe,” she instructs and he’s reminded of Sam and that freezing shower and the---

“Aaron!” she calls and the fortitude, the conviction in her eyes sobers him. “You have to stop,” she tells him, her touch turning hard and that he can focus on. That pulls him back down. “Breathe,” and slowly he relaxes again. She’s softened and he watches the tears pool in her eyes. “Don’t look at me like that,” she chides, softly.

He manages to squeeze her hand.

“We almost lost you,” she whispers and that hadn’t occurred to him. His death happens to other people. It’ll just be… nothing. He must be very high or maybe broken because he thinks of nothing. The nothingness that happens after death and not raging, flaming pits of hell.

JJ presses a kiss to his temple and he closes his eyes. It’s a tender love he… he’s forgotten. “Don’t ever scare me like that again,” she says, her thumb rubbing against his hand. “I don’t like job hunting.”

He doesn’t know how to tell her that the team wouldn’t fall apart if Foyet had chosen to kill him.

She doesn’t know how to tell him that isn’t true.

Foyet does kill Haley and for a long time, it’s like he’s killed Hotch too.

“Hotch!”

The last he’d seen of Emily, she was displeased with his decision to decline his invitation to girl’s night. First, of all, he’s not that dumb. He knew damn well that they wanted him to tag along because Emily had told them about his date with the cute blonde at the coffee shop had gone tits up. Of course, she’d chosen to leave out that his date had failed because she’d entered the shop and wolf-whistled at the sight of him.

But, she has chosen to blame the entire thing on him because he should have told her.

Ah, silly him.

Now, he’s waiting on his front porch for Will to drop her off at his place. Does she have an apartment of her own? Yes. But she’s a clingy drunk and it’s custom for her to come to sleep in his bed. Besides, who else is going to hold her hair up while she pukes?

He smiles when he sees her. God… leave it to him to pick Emily Prentiss, of all people, to be his best friend. Well, he’s not really sure he chose or picked her so much as ended up within her mercy. “Emily,” he greets softly, smiling when she walks right up to him and headbutts his chest. She just falls straight into him.

He shuffles to accommodate her weight but they do this little dance frequently. With one hand on the back of her head, he raises the other to wave to Will that he’s free to go. The detective nods and pulls the car into reverse, JJ and Garcia in the back shouting their own goodbyes.

“Alright,” Hotch rubs her shoulders, shivering from the night’s chill. “Pigging back ride?”

She nods and it’s only with practiced ease that they manage this so easily.

As he stands, he gives her a second to adjust herself before he starts walking back towards his porch. This is the exact reason he does squats at the gym, so his thighs don’t shake as he carries her up the stairs.

“Oh,” Emily whines into his back, where her face is buried. “I hope I didn’t wake Jack.”

He’s overly careful to make sure he doesn’t hit her legs as he steps into the door. Stopping to shut the door behind them he tells her, “he’s not here.” He scowls with concentration as he moves down the hall. “He’s spending the weekend with his cousins.” He’d told her this earlier, too many times. It is one of the smaller reasons she’d invited him to girls night: so he wouldn’t have to be alone in his house.

They share many secrets. He’d been the first person on the team to know she’s gay. He still remains one of the few who know. JJ and Garcia know-- tequila always makes her lose her grip. He also knows that she wants to have a family and about her giant crush on JJ.

Just like she knows that sitting in his empty house stresses him out. He turns into the empty walls and all he can think about is being completely alone while Foyet was trying to hunt down his son and Haley. She knows this and… she’d left him here all by himself.

“Emily,” he whispers, feeling her hot tears soak into the back of his shirt. He’s not mad or even frustrated, he’s just sad. He can’t do anything about it just yet. So, he takes her back to his room. He helps her out of her blouse, replacing it with his George-town hoodie so she can curl her legs into.

Only once she’s situated, his back turned so she can hiccup and dry her tears while she slips into a pair of her own shorts he kneels down in front of her. “Emily.” He shakes his head, she’s still inconsolable, so he pulls her to his chest. “Emily, I’m a grown man.” He rubs her back, “I can handle being in my own home.”

She only cries harder and it hurts him because whatever it is that’s really bothering her he can’t fix.

“Would you love me more if I wasn’t a lesbian,” she asks, sobbing into his shoulder.

Well… he blanks. What is he even supposed to say to that? Now she’s really crying and he’s-- he can’t think of a single thing to say. “Emily…” he shakes his head. “I--I don’t care that you’re a lesbian.” And why would he? How many times have they had the ‘it would be like kissing my brother/sister’ conversation? Or the ‘even if I were straight…’? He doesn’t feel sexually attracted to her.

He just… he loves her because she’s his family.

“You don’t,” she asks, sniffling. She pushes his shoulders away from her so that she can see his eyes. So she can see if he’s lying. “You don’t hate me?” Because she’s certain that he does sometimes. Like he can stand the thought of her.

He shakes his head. “It would be very hypocritical of me to hate you for being gay,” he says, without really thinking about what that means. At what he’s admitting.

Though she doesn’t say anything, the admission sobers her. With tender care he tucks her into bed. Smiling softly when she pulls him down beside her.

They fall asleep on their sides, facing one another. He falls asleep first. Too exhausted to wait her out. Between them, she gently reaches over and brushes her thumb over his cheek bone. Trialing it along the facial hair he’s let grow over the course of their long weekend off.

He breaks her heart.

“So, are we just not going to talk about it?”

They’re watching a basketball game from earlier in the week because it’s Tuesday and she gets to pick what they watch on Tuesdays. Granted, it’s sports and he hates sports which means that he gets to pick whether or not they sit close. She knows something is wrong because he puts the entire couch between them. They’re not even sharing a blanket and he always lets her have some of his blankets.

She gets cold easily.

“Talk about what, Emily?” The way he says her name… it’s not right. He always says Emily kindly, loving. He says her name and it makes her proud to be Emily but this time it’s a reprimand and she sees it for exactly what it is—- an attempt to push her away. To make her feel afraid to push on.

But she’s been gay for so long, openly gay. It takes more than a little bit of attitude to scare her off. “You,” she says, softly. “You’re gay, Aaron, and—-“

He flinches at the word gay. Recoiling. “Emily,” his tone shifts to pleading.

“You—-“ she shifts too. She turns her body to face her, no longer relaxed. “Aaron, there’s nothing wrong with being gay.”

Sodomy, Aaron thinks. First and for most, there’s sodomy and it’s a sin to love a man. A sin to love men in a way he could never love Haley. Which Emily would understand if he told her about his sex life with Haley. Rather, his nonexistent sex life with Haley. He loved Haley so much but he could never love her the right way. The way God had intended.

By the time he manages to raise his eyes to hers, there are tears streaming down his face. He’s so helplessly broken and he can’t even hide it.

“Oh, Aaron.” Emily pulls him against her chest, rubbing up and down his back as he sobs. “I…” she doesn’t know what to say. She knows it’s the Catholisim here at play but her youth was so very different from his. Matthew had saved her from the fate Aaron had succumbed to. Matthew had shown her the churches many faults and…

Aaron had no one.

No one but the Bible and a God who never answered back.

“There’s nothing wrong with being gay,” she whispers, rocking their bodies gently. “There’s nothing wrong with you Aaron.”

He sobs even harder. He wishes he could believe that. He does. He wishes he could but…

They agree to never talk about it. Meaning, Emily begrudgingly lets it go.

The universe isn’t ready for Hotch to shove it under the rug though.

There’s this barista at the coffee shop downtown--- more than a barista, he’s the owner, actually. He’s a giant. He almost makes Hotch feel small in comparison. In college, he’d been a football player but he’d messed his knee up pretty bad Junior year. He became dependent on the painkillers he’d received after surgery. He’d dropped out of college a few months later.

Hotch learns all of this only after two coffees.

One that he has Monday with the man’s phone-number and name scribbled onto the side of his cup. His cheeks had turned a furious shade of pink when Morgan had asked who Charlie is and if she was pretty. For some reason, despite coaching himself over and over in the mirror that he’d never go back--- Hotch goes back to the coffee shop Thursday.

This time as Hotch is handing the other man a five dollar bill he adds his own phone-number and name attached with a simple sticky-note.

He’s not even out the door yet when his phone vibrates.

“I thought I’d scared you off, mysterious FBI man.”

It makes him stop in his tracks. A smile tugs at his lips and there isn’t a single thought in his head about church or God or his father just this impossibly good feeling in his chest. It’s been so long since he’s done the flirting thing but he replies: “As good as mysterious FBI man sounds, I typically go by Aaron. Besides, it takes a little bit more than a phone-number to scare me off”

The texts keep coming and Hotch doesn’t mind.

Charlie tells him about college and Hotch tells him about the team. It’s out of character for him to be so open but it’s just coffee and flirting and a really hot barista.

The feeling is very mutual.

“Kiss me, g-man.”

Hotch shakes his head, chuckling when Charlie throws his hips over Hotch’s waist. “You’d better---” whatever threat he’s making half-heartedly turns into a groan when Charlie starts planting open mouth kisses along his collar. Sucking a hickey under his ear where it will be painfully obvious to the team.

When Hotch lets out a grunt, his hand grabbing at Charlie’s shirt and the other going to his hair Charlie laughs. He buries his face in Hotch’s neck, his hand traveling down to the front of his pants. “Is that your gun?” he pulls back with a smirk.

Lightly, he pushes Aaron back on the bed. Charlie’s nimble fingers wrap around his jeans, pulling the tight fabric off of his ass.

“I don’t remember asking for this,” Hotch grunts, fist clenched tightly in the bedsheets. It’s the only way he can assure that he won’t go bucking into Charlie’s palm the minute he starts touching again. He’s not going to cave like that.

To his credit, Charlie stops. He plants his hands on both sides of Hotch’s hips, his mouth sending a dangerous gust of warm air over Hotch’s straining cock. He lifts an eyebrow, “say the word, Aaron.” Say the word and it stops. They don’t dance along fancy lines like that. Charlie wouldn’t do that.

Sitting up, Aaron wraps his legs around Charlie’s hips. He runs his fingers up through Charlie’s hair, kissing him. With a smile he pulls away and whispers, “fuck me, Charlie.”

And he’ll be damned if he doesn’t do just that.

Sodomy is way better than Aaron remembers.

They’re about three months into this when Charlie learns that Hotch hasn’t told a soul about him. At least, not really. Not past the point of passing in conversation. Hell, he hasn’t even told them that Charlie isn’t some bombshell blonde woman but a 6’4 black man who owns the coffee shop.

“Fine,” Hotch caves despite the anxiety leaving him so unnerved he’s shaking. “Do you want to come with me to Dave’s this weekend?” He’s got an edge to his tone. He’s hoping Charlie takes the bait and rolls his eyes. He almost hopes for a fight.

Charlie nods his head, “I would like to, actually.”

Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

“Okay.”

It’s not okay. It’s far from it.

He sits on edge for the rest of the week. Begging for a case. None come.

If Charlie has anything to say about Hotch letting go of his hand when they step out of the car, he doesn’t say anything. He does offer him a supportive smile, reaching between them to squeeze Aaron’s bicep.

“Dave,” Hotch breathes the other man’s voice and Charlie can hear the panic seeping into his deep tone. But then he just blanks.

Charlie stretches his hand out, “I’m Charlie.”

Dave gets over his momentary shock very quickly. “Charlie,” Dave shakes his head with a smile. He avoids the hand being offered and pulls the younger man in for a hug. “I have heard so much about you! I was just a little shocked. I was expecting--”

Charlie laughs, “a woman.”

Dave claps him on the back. “Well, yes, I was.” He smiles at Hotch next, pulling him in for a hug too. Dave can feel just how unnerved Hotch is but he doesn’t comment. He just squeezes him a little tighter. “More so,” Dave says, “I was expecting a blonde. He really likes blondes.”

Charlie glances back at Aaron, keeping his smile in place even when Aaron can’t look up from his intense battle with the floor.

“Well, come on in! I’ve got enough bourbon and food in here to feed a small army!”

Charlie steps inside first, Aaron hot on his heels.

Charlie turns around, to look back at Aaron. Calling the other man’s name for attention. “Aaron,” he calls softly, grabbing his hand. “Show me to the bathroom.”

Hotch nods his head, eyes vacant as he moves on through the room. Ghosting. “It’s, ugh,” Hotch points lamely to the door.

Charlie pulls him into the small room. Aaron making a small grunt of protest. “Look at me,” says, stern but not overbearing. “Aaron, please.”

It takes a moment but Aaron pulls his eyes off the floor. He grimaces when a tear falls down his cheek, ashamed of this display of emotion. This vulnerability.

With a sad smile, Charlie wipes it away with the pad of his thumb. “They didn’t know did they?”

Leaning forward, Hotch buried his face in Charlie’s blue t-shirt. It’s old and soft and it does nothing to slow his tears. He shakes his head. “They didn’t.”

Fuck. Charlie wraps his arms around Hotch, pulling him close. “Why didn’t you just say so?”

What other options are there? If Charlie hadn’t forced his hand Hotch would have happily died in the blissful lie he’d created. He could have died alone. No need to come out. Hell, if he’d just found another blonde woman he could have married her and died “straight”.

Anything is better than this in-between.

“Aaron,” Charlie breathes his name sadly. He doesn’t know what to say. His family had disowned him. So, he can’t just reassure Aaron it’ll be okay but Dave took it so well. “Have you even given them a chance?”

Well… Dave did take it very well and Emily already knows.

“No,” he answers honestly.

Charlie presses a kiss to his temple, asking, “maybe you should give them the benefit of the doubt?”

A knock at the door makes them both jump.

“Hotch,” Reid whines from the other side. “I really have to go.”

Hotch smiles and that makes Charlie smile. “Good?” he asks.

Hotch nods, “good.”

The pair step out of the bathroom.

Reid blushes and slides past.

“You don’t think he thinks we were…”

Hotch nods, “more than likely.”

Heading back down the hall, Charlie leans into Hotch’s side. “Which one was that?”

“Reid.”

Charlie hums his understanding. Cuter than he’d imagined. Aaron had said tall and thin but it really did the genius no justice. He’s an attractive young man. “You didn’t tell me he was cute.”

Wrapping his arm around Charlie’s waist he pulls the other man closer. His heart is beating hard in his chest but he kisses the other man, closing his eyes and enjoying this moment. Separating just enough to say, “I think he said he plays for your team. If you’re interested.”

“My team,” Charlie repeats. He runs a finger along Aaron’s brow, sweeping his hair back. “My team is you,” Charlie rolls his eyes. “Doofus.”

Hotch’s jaw drops. “Doofus?”

Charlie smiles, “my doofus.”

Emily stops at the mouth of the hall, having heard the dee rumbling sound of voices “That’s fucking adorable.”

Hotch groans, pushing his face into Charlie’s chest.

“Don’t groan at me,” she says. “You’re the bastard that came out to me. Ghosted me. Then went and got a boyfriend.”

Hotch grimaces, “Emily…”

She waves him, turning her attention to Charlie. “You,” she sticks her hand out and they share a handshake. “You got yourself a good one. He can be an ass though.”

Charlie chuckles at that, “he really can be. Also, insufferable.”

Emily opens her mouth in happy shock. “Right? What about him being a know-it-all?”

Charlie nods, “don’t forget being a tight ass.”

Hotch feels a comment about their sex lives attempting to roll of his tongue. Something along the lines of Charlie saying he’d liked his ass last night— instead he just grunts. “Enough about me,” he grumbles.

Emily smiles at both of them. She really is happy. Hotch deserves to be happy. With a smirk she motions for them to follow her. “Come on, drinks?”

Somehow, despite everything Hotch had convinced himself, everything is fine.

Charlie ends up wondering off with Morgan. The two deep into a conversation about a beam Morgan’s building around. Hotch had watched Charlie gag down Garcia’s awful shots and listen to Reid talk about thermodynamics.

And when Hotch’s anxiety started getting bad again, Charlie was right there. Hotch hadn’t said anything, he didn’t even close himself off. Emily had just excused herself to go yell about something with JJ, leaving him leaning against the bar in the kitchen. But Charlie had come up and squeezed his hand. Winking for good measure. Hotch’s anxiety, like his heart, melted into a puddle around his feet.

“Goodbye,” Emily wishes them a farewell. She kisses both their cheeks and holds on to Hotch a moment longer than she normally would. “So, does this mean we’re back on for movie nights?”

Hotch nods. He’s missed their movie nights. He’s missed hanging out with her.

In the end, it’s the two of them and Dave.

Hotch’s anxiety rears it’s ugly head. Another painful reminder of the childhood he’ll never escape. Of God and sin and hell. The Catholic Church is solid force in Dave’s life and he’s askin Dave to choose. And Aaron knows he’s not going to be chosen.

“You boys good to drive home?” Dave hands Charlie a Tupperware container of leftovers.

Charlie nods, “we’re okay.”

Well, Charlie is. Hotch is little tipsy and one wrong word away from throwing up on the porch.

“Be safe,” Dave says, pulling Charlie in for a hug first. He pats his back, lowering his head to whisper. “Take care of my boy, you here?”

It makes Charlie smile. They’d briefly discussed Aaron’s real father but Charlie can see exactly what Aaron had meant when he said Dave had been the man that raised him. He’s gentle and firm and Charlie is glad Aaron was able to find a father. “Of course,” Charlie responds. “Someone has to.”

That makes Dave chuckle. Damn right.

“Come here, son.” Aaron’s always been bigger than Dave, not that he minds. He pulls him down into his arms, pressing a kiss to his cheek. Lowering his voice he whispers, “I’m glad you brought Charlie. He’s a good man. I’m proud of you.”

Hotch feels the dam break. He wraps his arms tighter around Dave, all of his youth and sexuality and feelings finally making sense. He doesn’t have to chose. He can be himself and be happy, it’s allowed.

Aaron Hotchner didn’t kill his mother or his mother. He’s always done his best and that’s all he can do.

“You’re a good man,” Dave whispers, rubbing his back.

And… Aaron might just be starting to believe him.

#criminal minds #tw child abuse #out of character #criminal minds fanfiction #aaron hotchner #sean hotchner #emily prentiss #david rossi #haley hotchner #derek morgan #spencer reid #penelope garcia #jennifer jareau #tw cigarettes #lesbian emily prenitss #george foyet

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brandyspringsluxury · 2 years

Text

Seraphin (Phin) Cohen

21 - 6’1” - 168 lbs || he/him || Room 110 || Defiant Occult Leader

tw: mentions of self harm and religious trauma

Gabrielle’s twin brother. Tall, lean, and lanky, he’s a little greasy and a lot of opposing figure. He has longish, pin straight messy blonde hair that he likes to use to cover his eyes. He is all lean muscle that makes him look skinny and kind of deathly but he is surprisingly fast and strong.

He has thick brows that are a little darker than his hair and he has slightly sunken eyes. His skin is pale because he really only leaves the house in the afternoon or night. His eyes are actually a striking blue which he hates. They make him stand out more and he gets a lot of compliments on them. He has thin lips and stubble that he shaves religiously because he hates how much it itches when it’s coming in and growing. Besides his stubble, he’s relatively hairless. His limbs are lanky and he has acne scars across his back from early puberty. Other than that his skin is largely unblemished sans any accidents when he was much younger or any early self harm marks for sacrifices back when he wasn’t the leader of the cult but first starting his journey. Those self harm scars are mostly across his wrists and hands but there’s a few that he’s done on his stomach or hips. If he were to ever spend any time in the sun, he does develop a few light spattering of freckles across his shoulders. However, when he does leave the house it’s always in black and it always covers most of his skin so it would never truly happen.

Like Yin-Yang, he is the darkness with a light heart. He may be an occult cult leader that strives to create chaos and make the rich reap what they sow, but he is a sweetheart to his darling. Thinks of them as an angel sent to him from the gods as a blessing, telling him he’s going on the right path. He’s into conspiracy theories, aliens, and the supernatural and the occult. It stemmed from his defiance against his family’s strong religious ties. He thought it was ridiculous especially after the bullying he got in elementary school. So, he fought against his family’s religion tooth and nail from a very early age. He is defiant, aggressive, loud, opinionated, and sarcastic. He’s largely cynical and generally acts like an asshole, yet if you listen to what he says and have a conversation he’s very respectful and kind. He embodies the “rough exterior but soft for you” trope. Is the type to light the bourgeoisie on fire and laugh as they scream in pain then cry when a child drops a lollipop and buys the child two more.

Growing up, his mother was Catholic by relation not practice, but his father was practicing and devout at that. He encouraged his mother’s religious beliefs and that influence was controlling. It was stifling and suffocating and it drove Phin mad. He was ruthless with his defiance of the religion that captivated and deluded his family. The turning point was when he witnessed his parents arguing and his father throwing scripture at his mother when his mother was clearly being the one in the right- yet religion dictated some bullshit reason or another that his father could remain in control over her yet again. It was infuriating and it enraged him. If that God was one who encouraged and praised men like his father then that was no god Phin was going or willing to even entertain. So, he began to defy his father’s every wish. His interest in the occult and supernatural started as a joke against his hyper paranoid father’s delusions but then weird things started happening in Phin’s favor and he began to believe. He threw himself into his beliefs and started informing others about it online- thus starting his own devout following online. After moving out, he’s the leader of a cult as his main source of income. Despite the knowledge of it being a cult it’s relatively harmless to those in it- for now. They plan on sacrificing the Corrupt Rich that are plaguing the world. Hopefully the genocide of corruption and the sacrifice to the gods can sterilize and purify the world that is so helplessly falling apart around them and when he finds someone he loves- well that surely is a sign from the gods that he’s doing well and he should double down- right?

#yandere oc #my yandere oc #my yandere #oc #original character #oc phin cohen #oc phin #oc seraphin cohen #seraphin cohen #phin cohen #tw religious trauma #tw self harm mention

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southeastasianists · 3 years

Link

Carolyn* can never get out of her head the memory of her parents bringing her to conversion therapy. The transwoman from South Sulawesi was 13 then, and society expected her to identify as male in accordance with her biological sex at birth.

“Deep inside, I kept telling myself that I’m not sick, that I’m okay,” she recalled.

Carolyn experienced ruqyah firsthand, a form of conversion therapy imbued with Islamic exorcism that is common among Muslim communities in Indonesia. Carolyn’s parents explained away her feminine expression as the work of a malevolent female demon.

At the time, the teenager did not fully grasp the situation she was in. She agreed to go along with her parents’ wishes due to her deeply embedded fear of sin.

Carolyn was taken before the local cleric, who prayed to expel the female demon in her body. The cleric also asked her parents to leave her with him for a few days so she could undergo several rituals.

“But at that time, I refused. I wanted to go home and didn’t want to be there. I was fine, I cried and said to my mom, ‘Mom, I want to go home, I’m fine,’” she said.

After begging her mother, Carolyn’s mother finally agreed to send her home on one condition: she had to stop expressing feminine traits and stop hanging out with her female friends. Carolyn repressed her feminine expression for several years after that day.

“To be honest, I felt very tortured. I felt very tortured mentally,” Carolyn confessed.

Carolyn said she placed a lot of pressure on herself over the years. She never felt that she was a man. She was always more comfortable expressing herself as a woman. In the final year of high school, Carolyn decided to stop lying to herself and her family. She ran away from home and learned to become a hairdresser at a salon that accepted her gender expression.

In the early days of Carolyn’s emancipation journey, her past and concerns over her identity continued to haunt her. Not a day went by that she didn’t fear persecution, socializing with others, fully expressing herself, all the while saddened by the irreparable burned bridge with her family.

Even now, at the age of 32, Carolyn is still traumatized by her conversion therapy experience. She gets easily triggered by watching religious TV shows or films that feature ruqyah scenes.

But ultimately she believes that she made the right choice, because nothing can take away her freedom to fully express herself as a woman and her achievement of becoming a fully functioning adult in a society that generally does not tolerate her people.

“I also feel comfortable and feel very relieved that in the end, I can accept myself as a transwoman. I feel like I have found myself. This is me, I am a transwoman,” she stresses.

In contrast to Carolyn, Sofia*, a lesbian living in the capital, was encouraged by her family to undergo ruqyah when she was old enough. By that time, she was mature enough to make her own decisions; and so she ran away from them.

“At that time, I was 25 years old and I was studying for my master’s degree. My position was quite privileged, right?” Sofia said.

Living in Jakarta, Sofia was more exposed to open discussions on the issues of gender and sexuality. When her mother asked her to go to therapy, Sofia was already certain about her sexual orientation. Furthermore, she had been involved in the advocacy for gender and sexuality issues.

“So I think there was nothing to lose at that time, and my identity is the core of my life,” she said.

However, Sofia’s refusal for therapy did not sit well with her family. She said they still pressured her “recover” to the point that they used violence against her.

“But I didn’t want to. I insisted because they already know me as a lesbian, so why do I have to back off?” she said.

Sofia believes that her knowledge of diversity in gender expression and sexual orientation was one of the biggest sources of courage that emboldened her to emancipate. If LGBTQ+ people are exposed to the same knowledge, Sofia said, they will be able to accept their identities and acknowledge that they’re not the problem — homophobia and conversion therapy are.

“We must fight together to convince the world that being gay is okay. You need to learn about yourself. You’re not sick. It’s society that’s sick,” she added.

Ika*, a transwoman from North Sumatra, experienced conversion therapy when she was 13, 17, and 18. The methods that she went through were quite diverse, ranging from ruqyah, to burial rituals, admission to Islamic boarding schools, and goat sacrifice.

None of them worked. And she said she had to live with the constant pressure from her parents to get rid of her feminine expression, which, according to them, was also the work of a demon.

“What should be removed from my body? Because according to their assessment, there is an evil spirit who made me like this,” Ika said.

“In my opinion, conversion therapy is bullshit.”

Ika now works for an NGO advocating to end HIV discrimination and stigma suffered by trans communities.

‘Individual will’

Conversion therapy is not a new phenomenon in Indonesia, but the matter was hotly discussed recently when several Indonesian queer activists, including Lini Zurlia and Kai Mata, received targeted ads on social media encouraging them to undergo conversion therapy.

“It feels like I was targeted by a group of people. It made me upset, especially because this is very sensitive regarding LGBTQ+ rights in Indonesia,” Kai Mata said.

“What I think the government should do is to make it illegal. I also think that LGBT people in Indonesia deserve the right to live in this country without fear.”

Attempts to contact the conversion therapy service through the ad failed as of the time of this article’s publication. Another conversion therapy center in Jakarta, which claims to use hypnotherapy as one of its “healing” methods, did not come across like it has a vendetta against LGBTQ+ people despite providing the harmful service.

“When does sexual orientation become a problem? It happens when the values that are taught [by people’s environment and family] are different from their sexual orientation,” therapist Adrianto Darma Setiawan said.

Adrianto claims to have treated around 2,500 patients in the last 12 years. About 20 percent of these patients are (or were, if he succeeded) gay, lesbian, or bisexual. The standard therapy to “heal” sexual orientation consists of about about five to six hypnotherapy sessions lasting around three hours per session.

Adrianto said that some of his patients underwent therapy out of their own accord, but most were there due to encouragement or pressure from relatives. The therapist did not say how many of his patients he managed to convert, but said that “recovery” depends on the will of the individual.

The government’s failure

Imam Nahei, a commissioner at the National Commission on Violence Against Women (Komnas Perempuan), said that LGBTQ + groups in Indonesia still have a long way to receive adequate protections from the government. For as long as homophobia prevails in Indonesia, conversion therapy will remain as one of the most harmful and real threats that haunts people from minority sexual groups in Indonesia.

Nahei said that conversion therapy is an obvious human rights violation, yet the state, which should be responsible for protecting all of the country’s citizens, has not done anything to protect LGBTQ+ people from the practice.

“The state has not done anything because, in Indonesia, this issue is still very controversial as it is associated with dominant religious views,” Nahei said.

There’s little hope for progress in this regard when homosexuality and alternate forms of sexual expression are still seen as a deviation or a disorder by the country’s lawmakers, such as House of Representatives (DPR) Commission VIII Deputy Chairman Marwan Dasopang.

Marwan supports the existence of conversion therapy in Indonesia. Not only that, he wants DPR to eventually pass legislation allowing the state to provide the service to the public. If conversion therapy was normalized, he argued, patients would not experience extreme psychological trauma, such as from being forced to “recover” by their parents.

“It needs to be regulated,” Marwan said, adding that discussion on the regulation of conversion therapy are still in their infancy.

Indonesian policy makers, and even psychiatrists, have long gone against the scientific fact that homosexuality and other sexual identities are not a disease or disorder. Their stance have emboldened homophobia, which, in turn, has fostered the continued existence of conversion therapy.

Riska Carolina, director of Advocacy and Public Policy from the Support Group and Resource Center on Sexuality Studies at the University of Indonesia (SGRC UI), said among the many forms of conversion therapy in Indonesia, most are performed with ruqyah. Others who aren’t forced to go the conversion therapy route are still made to see shrinks who practice with heavy religious influence, hypnotherapists, or admitted to religious boarding schools.

“[Conversion therapy] is a threat to the LGBTQ+ community. It is persecution to the LGBTQ+ community. It violates their basic human rights. LGBTQ+ people are not a disease,” she stresses.

Riska believes that regulating conversion therapy would violate the minority groups’ rights even more than they have suffered. Even if the therapy is carried out based on patients’ willingness, Riska argued that it still validates the idea that LGBTQ+ people have mental disorders.

“Conversion therapy must be banned. It is more necessary to provide protection, even though I know that protection is still a long way off. So I prefer that, at least, [the government] treats us equally and gives us affirmative action,” she said.

“I’m ashamed to know that Indonesia is very late in terms of acceptance and it’s already 2021. You don’t need to like LGBT people, but you also don’t need to discriminate against us, especially to the level of torture. What you do with conversion therapy is torturous.”

*Carolyn, Sofia, and Ika’s real names have been omitted, at their request, to protect their identity.

#Southeast Asia #Indonesia #Conversion Therapy #LGBTQIA Rights #Trans Rights #LGBTQIA Issues #Trans Issues

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ms-hells-bells · 3 years

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How did you feel or react when you started finding out you were bi? What was the journey like?

i knew in some way since i was young, i frequently had crushes on girls and was very jealous and possessive as a child. but i had no idea that that wasn’t how girls felt about their friends, especially being autistic and mentally ill (so, having attachment issues). but after i hit puberty and funnily enough, joined tumblr, i realised that you could like both men and women. a big part of me realising was my obsession with evanescence singer amy lee. i thought it was just a special interest thing (i wasn’t diagnosed at this point and didn’t know the term was special interest, but i knew i got more attached to things than most people), but then my friend pointed out that no straight girl would have literally hundreds of pictures of a woman, even a female celebrity, saved to their phone (i would save every picture i came across of her and it built up to like 430 pictures of her and the band). i was like “ah...yeah”.

wanna know something embarrassing though? like i said, i had just discovered tumblr and although i was already falling into radical feminism, mogai caught a hold of me for two seconds because i hadn’t reconciled with the reality of gender yet (nearly thought i was agender, but as that thought entered my head, i was already in full radfem so despite being only 14, i quickly shook it off) and i came out as pansexual to everyone. i said that “bisexual was attraction to men and women and may have a preference for one or the other, pansexual is attraction to men, women, trans people, and non binary people, and there is zero preference”. to be fair though, that almost makes more sense than any definition genderists ever gave. but then like 2-4 months later people asked me about it and i was like “nah lol, i’m bi, that stuff is bullshit”, and EVERYONE went “yeah we knew, we were just waiting for you to realise”, proving that people staying silent about your bullshit identities doesn’t mean that they believe or support you.

so, i never OFFICIALLY, did a big come out, people at school would just ask and the topic would come up and i’d be like “yeah, i like women”. everyone just kinda knew. some figured before i realised, because from a very young age, i constantly got stuck with lesbian and bisexual rumours, and girls would freak out at me talking to them in changing rooms. and my mother always suspected because for my brothers and sister when mentioning dating, she’d say “girlfriend” and “boyfriend”, but for me she’d say “boyfriend or girlfriend” and i never noticed until i was older looking back. i asked her and she was like “yeah, it seemed like it since you were young” lol. i guess i was/am lucky that despite all the family issues, it was a non religious, non homophobic household and i never felt shame or fear of saying what i was, and never had to do a come out. i did have a semi crisis when i was an older teen, trying to figure out whether i was bi or lesbian though, because i had a severe phobia and trauma from men so it was hard to tell if i had compulsory heterosexuality or that i could be attracted to men, but men fucked me up to much. then i kind of just relaxed and stopped caring, and i can confidently say now that i am bi, i just don’t like being around men haha.

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drshebloggo · 4 years

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Ask box: JUSTICE FOR LANE KIM, a breakdown.

Anonymous asked: Do you know why Lane disappeared from the show as Rory's best friend over time? She appeared every now and then, yeah, but it has always bothered me that she slowly faded from being Rory's best friend to nobody... am I remembering things wrong?

I do not know! The Palladinos make decisions that sometimes are simply beyond my comprehension.

It’s been awhile since I watched Gilmore Girls in its entirety (and I kind of selectively ignore a lot in the last two, three seasons) but I don’t think you’re remembering things wrong. I will say, though, that the show faced a challenge with all of the Stars Hollow supporting ensemble when Rory went off to college. It’s these kind of problem-making focus shifts that I find really interesting, and they are UBIQUITOUS across teen/high school shows when a character or ensemble graduates.

Most of them that I can think of are done poorly, maybe with the exception of Friday Night Lights. But in defense of these shows, it’s HARD. How do you embrace a fundamental shift in the entire premise of your show? How do you deal with the new geographies of this shift, and the way they ripple into beloved character dynamics? How do you evolve a character through an engaging and meaningful arc without abandoning the foundation on which they were built? And how do you still capture your audience’s attention when there’s a risk that you’re leaving behind the magic that captivated them in the first place? IT’S HARD.

So in the case of Gilmore Girls, Rory at Yale is the shift that moves the show into a new paradigm, and it’s a big one. She’s separated from Stars Hollow and slowly beginning her emancipation from Lorelai, which is, on principle, painful for the audience because it’s directly against the show’s premise. (It’s no coincidence that the Palladinos starts seriously building the Luke-and-Lorelai-of-it-all once Rory’s away at college. Give that empty-nester some new story!)

Of course, Lane is right behind Lorelai in the list of People in Stars Hollow that Rory is Leaving Behind. How is Lane supposed to stay a part of Rory’s story when Rory is in a new context, and Lane is not? But, truth be told, Lane was ALREADY in this role. In seasons 1-3, LANE, not Lorelai, was #1 on the list of People in Stars Hollow that Rory is Leaving Behind. Ultimately Gilmore Girls is a story of two worlds, and Rory going to Chilton begins her passage across the into the New (Old, with Baggage) World. Lane is already being left behind, to some degree, and in seasons 1-3, there’s still room in the show’s universe to address those issues and give Lane some good storylines of her own, especially in conjunction with Rory.

So it’s possible that the issue is not necessarily one of screentime or setting. Whenever I hear the rebel cry of JUSTICE FOR LANE KIM resound in my heart chambers, I mostly think of the kinds of storylines that befell her in the later seasons, not simply in their detachment from Rory. Heeding her mom’s insistence that she attend Seventh Day Adventist college. Fracturing her relationship with her mom in order to pursue her dreams. Getting kicked out of her home. Living with her two boy bandmates who are very stupid and very messy. Never really getting the band off the ground. Her first sexual experience being terrible. Her first sexual experience being terrible AND yielding a pregnancy with TWINS. Why do the Palladinos hate Lane Kim!!! The only thing I wholeheartedly love about Lane’s later storylines is Luke hiring her to work at the diner and then being completely overwhelmed by her sheer competence.

It’s probably important to note that the mere construction of Lane Kim’s character is a bit tragic. The Palladinos are VERY good at building conflict and tension into what seems like simple character descriptions. Here’s this girl that loves rock music to an obsessive, encyclopedic level, wants to play drums in a band, and she’s from a strict religious household where she can’t express any of that. The description itself inherently means that things are going to blow up for Lane at some point. That’s okay, to some degree - that’s conflict, that’s drama, that’s good story.

So if we look at Lane’s arc pre-blow-up, and post-blow-up, the satisfying thing would be for Lane to experience some kind of happiness or success living unstifled in her dreams, to offset the trauma that her family relationships are ruined (at least for the time being). But the Palladinos don’t even do that! It’s encapsulated in the incident that tears apart Lane’s relationship with her mom: she goes to play at CBGB, her mom finds out and kicks her out, and the band doesn’t even get to go on!! The Palladinos love PAIN.

And okay, fine, there’s still some defense that that is well-designed drama and story. (And Lane and her mom do reconcile eventually, and it was at least very affecting, from my memory.) I guess you could argue that Lane IS happy with how things turned out after the lifelong lie she’s lived completely unravels and she’s able to just exist, unguarded. But also... the Palladinos wrote her that way??? And regardless, for me, the issues arise more down the line with Lane essentially staying in Stars Hollow. Wouldn’t unshackling herself from the yoke of her mother mean that she’s free to pursue her dreams? And wouldn’t pursuing her dreams necessitate her to ALSO leave Stars Hollow, like Rory herself? Would she not try to scrape together money to move with the band to New York City and hit the big time? (Bear in mind, I have no idea how the music industry works.)

Ultimately, Lane’s story in the later seasons puts the writers in a Catch-22. If she leaves Stars Hollow and goes somewhere else to pursue her dreams, she’s almost certainly written off the show. She’s a supporting character, and they can’t open up a new world beyond Stars Hollow and New Haven, just for her. On the other hand, if she stays in Stars Hollow, in keeping with the geographies of the universe, she stays on the show, and just... gets really disappointing storylines. I’d be inclined to keep giving Keiko Agena a paycheck.

(Now, the fact that WB threw money at a backdoor pilot for Jess Mariano to go to California and open up a new world for a weakly-premised spin-off, and did no such thing for Lane Kim, is some bullshit. Literally “moving to the big city to live a dream” is SUCH a well-worn trope that all the storylines are essentially handed to them, and it’s almost inherently refreshed because Lane is a Korean-American woman and not a brooding white guy or a quirky white lady. You FOOLS, you could’ve made that show with your EYES CLOSED.)

Anyways.

I’m going to meander my way further off the main point for a moment to kick up some dust on JUSTICE FOR RORY GILMORE as well. When you write ten paragraphs lamenting Lane Kim’s eternal relegation to supporting role, it’s hard not to be cranky about affording world-opening and story-building for a main character instead. (Spin-off Jess very much deserves the crank, though.) But, frankly, the unyielding walls that the Palladinos built to construct their very effective Two-World Universe don’t do a lot of favors for Rory Gilmore either, in the end.

Basically, this construct of Stars Hollow ensemble and New Haven future means that Rory is the only one who will “get out” of Stars Hollow, because she is structurally decreed to do so. It’s the massive conflict that the Palladinos smartly built into their little generational premise: Lorelai fled her parents’ world, and Rory will slowly be lured back into it. Pain ensues. This is good drama. This is good story. This is story that will last seven seasons and six-hour revival.

But it also inadvertently makes Rory the Chosen One, in a story that doesn’t need one. This is not Joseph Campbell’s Hero with a Thousand Faces, and I’d like to believe that even Paris and Rory wouldn’t want it to be, much as they love the Power of Myth. Lorelai divests her entire life into Rory’s success; the town of Stars Hollow wants Rory to spirit out of their small town and Be Great; Rory’s grandparents expect her to follow in Richard’s footsteps and also carry out their orphaned dreams for Lorelai. And then the Palladinos choose little things that further this: Lane doesn’t ever leave Stars Hollow; Paris doesn’t get into Harvard but Rory does; Luke interrogates any boy that comes near Rory because no one is good enough. (I confess, I’m charmed into forgiving the last one.)

It’s much too much to put onto one character and leave unaddressed!!! It’s also why some audience members just really hate Rory, in a really unfortunate knife-twist on an otherwise-winsome main character. They hate the unwillingness of the narrative to acknowledge this very obvious dark and specific underside to Rory’s specialness, and the unwillingness of people within the narrative to name this very obvious dark and specific underside about Rory. But to paraphrase Jessica Rabbit: she’s just DRAWN THAT WAY!

Rory’s storylines never really confront the idea that she has had FAR too many unrealistic expectations put on her by literally everyone that’s ever existed in her life, and what it might mean if she doesn’t live up to them. What does it mean if she’s not Christiane Amanpour? What does it mean if she’s scared of disappointing people? What does it mean if she’s trying to live up to other people’s standards rather than examining what she really wants?

The Palladinos completely ignore this, and simultaneously give Rory multiple meltdowns (cheating with Dean, being cowed by Mitchum Huntzberger, stealing a boat, quitting Yale, an aimless/struggling career) and they never QUITE dig into the complete dark and specific issue at the core of Rory’s character construction... which just exacerbates the Rory hate. Rory has no self-awareness; the writers give her no self-awareness; we go in circles, and every few years there’s a slew of thinkpieces about how selfish and awful Rory is.

What makes it worse is that those questions outlined above are essentially applicable for two other women on the show: Lane Kim, and Lorelai Gilmore II, herself. Lane, like Rory, doesn’t quite bust through and answer them wholly. Lorelai, however, comes into the show having already answered them, years before, when she was a headstrong and tenacious teenager. The idea that neither Rory, her actual daughter, nor Lane, her spiritual inheritor of Parental Disapproval, are ever able to grapple with those concepts in a real way, and blossom into self-defined adulthood the way that Lorelai did is maybe the bottom line on where Gilmore Girls went “wrong.” Lorelai’s legacy is not that she’s hyperverbal, loves junk food, and got pregnant young. It’s that she rejected the expectations of her forebearers and carved out a place in the world for herself by her own definition, for better or for worse. It’s why Lorelai comes out of the narrative like a Super Mom, when in fact she’s still just as deeply flawed as Emily or Rory, and why Stars Hollow is overall magical and cherished despite it serving as a small-town hometown for Rory to leave behind. And it’s why A Year in the Life was SO satisfying for Emily Gilmore, because she proved it’s never too late to answer those questions and break through to the other side. Perhaps we’ll get enough revivals to see the same happen for Rory, and for Lane.

But enough dust about Rory. I think, after all this nitpicking, there were two options for the best way to have handled Lane Kim after Rory went off to college:

1. Give her a backdoor pilot and spinoff to Band Dreams NYC. Which, of course, was not in the Palladinos’ control, so, y’know, fine.

2. Keep Lane in Stars Hollow and give her a chance to answer those questions about self-definition and live out a few years of Lorelai-like hard-but-happy independence (and better sex) before saddling her with Zach and two babies (if you MUST). Bonus points if she moves in with Lorelai and they bond over being fundamentally disappointing to your parents and also missing Rory. A very good obvious choice.

Secret option 3. Just let Lane move to New Haven and live with Rory and Paris off-campus, and give me the goddamn roommate comedy of my dreams. Honestly this is what they should’ve done. Forget everything I said. This is my answer.

Tiny footnote: I cannot BELIEVE, that after twenty years, I am just now realizing how on-the-nose it is that Lorelai escaped from the clutches of New Haven and started a new life for herself at a place called INDEPENDENCE INN. Truly, it was right there in front of me and I didn’t even notice. This oversight might weaken the integrity of the thousand-paragraph essay I rattled off above...

#long post #ask box #JUSTICE FOR LANE KIM #there's also justice for Rory Gilmore in here too #I haven't done this in ages and it's... long.#I am watching approximately zero new television but I'd love to relitigate TV from the early 00s and 10s #Gilmore Girls

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mistbornthefinal · 3 years

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Madoka Magica Aniversary Analysis: Part 7

Facing Your Pain

We find Sayaka returning to her home presumably just after the events of the last episode. She tosses down her Soul Gem onto the desk surprisingly carelessly given that she just learned that it’s literally her soul. As she addresses Kyubey he’s just there despite not being in any of the establishing shots.

“You tricked us, didn’t you?”

Kyubey’s response is complete bullshit because, yes he did. Kyubey reveals or conceals information according to his own interests in order to manufacture consent. Even if he never outright lies in the process it’s still blatant trickery and deception.

(pictured bunnycat being a dick)

Of course if anyone still didn’t get the memo he then places his paw on Sayaka’s Gem and makes her experience the unfiltered pain of being stabbed. In light of this scene it’s hard to believe that Kyubey is some kind of dispassionate utility maximizer. Regardless of what he might later claim about not having emotions it’s clear there’s some degree of sadism at work here and later on when he shows up to Homura’s house to gloat after getting Kyouko killed.

In particular his deployment of violence as an “educative” tool when his logic is questioned by those it exploits is all to human despite Kyubey’s claims of being beyond humanity.

He then tells Sayaka that it’s possible to completely shut out pain though he dose not recommend doing so. Which is clearly just him trying to push Sayaka into a worse place in order to put more pressure on Madoka to contract. What a dick.

(cue connect)

At school we see Sayaka’s desk has been folded into the floor of the school indicating her absence. We get a brief cut to Sayaka at home staring into her Soul Gem. Then we’re back on the #aesthetic rooftop with Madoka and Homura. Madoka askes if Homura knew about the lich thing and why she didn’t say anything before if she did. Homura says that no one she has told in the past believed her. Madoka then wonders how Kyubey can be so cruel.

Homura outlines Kyubey’s philosophy as she understands it. Kyubey does not share human values and as horrible as his price is it’s still small one for miracle. Even if Sayaka had dedicated every waking hour of her life to caring for Kyousuke he wouldn’t have gotten better. Yet still the cost of curing him was only Sayaka’s life.

Homrua tell Madoka again to give up on Sayaka. Madoka reminds us that Sayaka saved Madoka and Hitomi’s life back in episode 4, it’s not in Madoka to abandon a friend especially one who put her own life on the line to protect her. Homura tells her not to confuse gratitude for responsibility (you’re one to talk Homura-chan) and again asserts that Sayaka is beyond saving.

Madoka asks how Homura can be so cold to which she muses

(don’t cut yourself on that edge)

Meanwhile Sayaka is still lying in bed when Kyouko calls out to her telepathically. As they walk together Kyouko says she’s mostly gotten over the existential panic of “everything that makes you you is in this fragile Gem”. Having magic powers and being able to live as she likes is enough to satisfy her even considering the price (though she is still unaware of the true price of course). She restates her philosophy of living only for herself.

The two of them arrive at their destination the ruins of the Sakura family church, the ideal setting for Kyouko to relate her backstory. But first she offers Sayaka an apple, because symbolism. Sayaka tosses the apple away and an enraged Kyouko lifts her up by the collar and threatens to kill her. Kyouko doesn’t like it when people waste food for reasons that will soon be obvious.

Kyouko sets Sayaka down, picks the apple up, dusts it off, and returns it to the bag. Then she starts her story which is show to us through a filter of non-diagetic puppets. He father was a preacher, a kind soul who only wanted the best for people. However his desire to do the right thing let to him preaching an unorthodox dogma. He was excommunicated and his family fell onto hard times. A young Kyouko couldn’t stand how know no one would listen to him (though current Kyouko admits that from the outside it must have seemed like he was trying to start a cult.)

(this is what scientologists actually believe)

So Kyouko made her contract and the next morning their church was filled with believers, and the world gained another Puella Magi. For a time Kyouko considered her and her father as two sides of the same coin, each working to save the world in their own ways. Of course then her father found out.

Learning that his new followers were there not by his words but his daughters magic broke his spirt and caused him to turn against his daughter calling her a witch. He turned to drink and ultimately killed both himself and Kyouko’s mother and younger sister. Her wish destroyed her family, because she made that wish without knowing what the person she made it on behalf of truly wanted. So from that day onward Kyouko resolved to only user magic for herself.

Kyouko the asserts that hope and despair have to ultimately have to balance out. Something other characters will repeat even though it’s kind of dubious. Sayaka points out a hole in Kyouko’s logic if Kyouko is preaching pure selfishness then why worry over her. It’s clear that Kyouko sees her younger self in Sayaka and thus want’s to both save her and have her to validate how she has spent her life since she lost her family.

(insert Always Sunny style title card reading: “Sayaka regrets her actions”)

Sayaka isn’t interested in validating Kyouko. Instead while she admits that she had the wrong idea about Kyouko she reiterates her decision to never regret her actions. Sayaka then asks how Kyouko got those apples, when Kyouko is unable to answer Sayaka says that if she can’t say than there’s no way that she can partake. She turns to leave, she’ll continue to fight in her own way if that inconveniences Kyouko she’s welcome to try to kill her again. Sayaka no longer bares the other Puella Magi any ill will but neither is she willing to lose to her.

As Sayaka leaves Kyouko goes back to her old habit, attempting to fill the void of lost social connection with food. It doesn’t seem very effective.

The next day Sayaka returns to school and tries to play off her absence, but when she spots Kyousuke she is still unable to approach him. After school Hitomi calls Sayaka for a one on one meeting at the cafe. There she lays down her ultimatum. Hitomi also has romantic feelings for Kyousuke but in honor of their friendship and Sayaka’s longer relationship she will allow her to make the first move. However Sayaka only get’s 24 hours after which Hitomi will confess her feelings.

That night once again Madoka is waiting for Sayaka as she heads out on patrol. Sayaka asks why Madoka is so kind to her as her own opinion of her self has recently plummeted. She “almost” regretted something today, when Hitomi gave her that ultimatum she considered what would have happened if she hadn’t saved her. She’s already given up on being with Kyousuke as since she is a “zombie” having a romantic relationship is impossible.

This isn’t rational so to speak, rather Sayaka’s depression about not being able to live up to her ideals is effecting how she processes the revelation about what has been done to her body. To a certain extent she would rather call herself a monster than admit that she doesn’t have the courage to confess to her crush or that the idealized standard she set for herself is unachievable. Despite her low spirits she resolves to go kill a witch.

We then cut to the outside of a labyrinth presumably the one Sayaka is fighting in as Kyouko looks on. Homura joins her shortly and Kyouko says she isn’t going to interfere with his hunt, this is a Witch and fighting it is not a waste by her measure. She then notes that Sayaka is having trouble.

Then we cut to inside the barrier, and some of the most beautiful animation that Madoka Magica has to offer. Elsa Maria’s barrier is a world of monochrome with both the humans and the witch rendered as black silhouettes. This witch extends the religious imagery we had earlier with the only color (beyond touches of the girls image color on their outline) is the orange monstrance before which the witch prays.

Sayaka cuts her way through the witches familiars, animal heads on ribbons of shadow but when she reaches the witch proper an entire tree erupts from it’s body to engulf her. Kyouko comes to her aid cutting her free and offering to take over the fight.

Sayaka refuses and charges at witch again. This time she is heedless of her own injuries hacking away at the witch with savage abandon.

It’s true.

If I just detach myself...

it doesn’t hurt at all.

Madoka begs her to stop (cue magia)

Welp that was EP 7. Extrapolating backwards a bit we can sort of see how for the past few three episodes how Sayaka and Kyouko have arcs that are sort of inverse of each other. In EP 5 both of them them aspire to fill the narrative and physical space that was left when Mami died. Kyouko at first sells herself as the veteran magical showing the newbies the ropes while Sayaka swears herself to upholding the image that Mami projected to cover her loneliness. The two move to clash in ep 6 but the revelation of a part of Kyubeys system that neither of them (or Mami) was aware of shocked both to their core.

With their foundations shaken Kyouko attempts to reach to the girl she tried to kill who reminds her so much of her old self, opening up and sharing her trauma in the hopes that Sayaka can validate her philosophy. To hope the two of them can find some mutual solace in their failure of their old dreams. It’s not to be however as though Sayaka gives up her anger at Kyouko she rejects the possibility of connection. Instead she chooses to accelerate her downward spiral by doubling down on her desire to live up to her idealized image. Now Sayaka is in freefall and next episode we find out what happens when a Puella Magi hits rock bottom.

#semi-original content #puella magi madoka magica #madoka magica anniversary analysis

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nisasinferno · 3 years

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hey everybody,

uh, this is gonna be long, so, get ready.

i was listening to an episode of I Weigh with Jameela Jamil podcast, the one with the Matt McGorry and all the things they said made me want to start something.

Warning: The rest of the post will contain my experiences and comments about body issues, smoking, binge eating, anxiety, depression etc Plus im no expert, only dumping my experiences and thoughts on somethings as i know them.

I live in Turkey and starting tomorrow, we’re gonna be in a country-wide quarantine till 17th May. For this time period, i’ve already made some plans to improve myself like trying to meditate more, catch up with my german lessons or maybe finish my astrology course kinda things. While i was listening to the podcast, i realized how afraid i am of gaining weight during this time period because that’s exactly what happened last year and i really lost my self-esteem.

I was always kinda chubby, carrying my belly to everywhere ever since i can remember but never cared about it because i never felt connected with my body, like it was nothing but a vessel for my mind and soul. Around 2016, i have started to develop a sense of body like what kind of colors or clothes suits me more, how does it make me feel when im complimented about the way i talk or act etc. Before that, i never felt like i was beautiful, likable, charismatic or even symphatetic. Some of the reasons were like: because i was raised by a religious family to believe that body was a gift from God that we should be grateful for and use it to worship in return. Another reason was my mother, she didnt let me build a sense of image for myself, i was only allowed to internalize her way of seeing things in material world. Sometimes as a joke, sometimes as a warning, she reminded me that i was not “behaving like a girly girl would behave: talking less and softly, sitting up straight, smiling rather than laughing loudly” blah blah. In addition to all these, now i can see that some childhood and early-youth traumas have affected me and made me cut the chord between my body and my being as a whole too. With those realizations, new perspectives and thinking, i reconnected with my body. I was still relatively careless about the way i look but more aware of the body standards in general and my position.

Of course slowly losing weight may be triggered it since i became more active in my first year of university, taking minimum ten thousand steps aaannd smokiiinng nearly everyday. The first time i smoke was when i was in high school. I was depressed and being bullied in school so i went to the hospital to start therapy but because of some bureaucratic bullshit, i couldnt see the therapist and feeling hopeless, i decided to hurt myself in a way that i can feel a little bit on the other side of the pain: “the cool side”. After that it was only occasionally, one or two cigarettes when im out with a friend who smokes. Time passed by, i had my heart and my mind broken, started to smoke more, lost my appetite, fed myself with tea and coffee only because i never felt hungry and became skinnier. In my last year of university, adding to my anxiety attacks, i was smoking four packs a day. Everyday. And i was the thinnest i have ever been in my life, still had my belly tho. But, oh man it was bad, now that im skinnier, im much aware of my body in a comparing-myself-to-the-society’s-standards kinda way. Plus, i didnt have the amount of energy or muscle to walk or hike or do some yoga for an hour like i used to. That resulted a resentment against my body and habits that is so toxic, i started to lose control. When i look back to the last two years, i can observe that eating is not about feeding and nurturing my body for me anymore. It’s a way of taking control back that i have so little when it comes to my life. I eat to fill the emptiness that hurts me so bad that makes me sabotage my own life. I eat to distract myself from my anxiety and loneliness because i cant stand uncertainty and i become paralised when i feel like im left alone, unloved and unseen. I eat so i can numb my brain in the sea of dopamine which leads to addictive behavior and more anxiety about not knowing how to stop. It’s a fucking trap.

Anyways, like i said: i want to use this time of quarantine to be a better version of myself. I’m aware that these issues can only be solved in time and great effort and i need to change my way of thinking about myself and lots of other things which can be one of the hardest things a person could do with all those conditioning. I put no pressure, no restriction since i know that pressure and restriction are the reasons in the beginning that brought me here. I really want to stop smoking (i achieved quitting for 45 days last year, i regret it so much that i started again.), heal my relationship with food and my body and myself in general. Im seeing a therapist for my anxiety and depression, keeping a food journal in the last two months to keep a record on my eating and i will go on. I’ll try to practice body acceptance (not body positivity because it’s my body and im allowed to not like my double chin or scars in my body when it’s a distraction from the main message in a photo as long as it’s not at the level of deleting the picture because the view of them makes me feel obsessively disgusted and sad) I will try to eat thinking its effect on my mind and soul, not on my physical apperance. I will try to practice yoga and other physical activities to gain endurance and a more stable state of mind, not to see a “more acceptable reflection” in the mirror. I will try to connect with my higher and true self while finding new ways to understand and integrate my shadow.

This is a pretty sloppy and long post. But i wanted to share these and i want to share the journey ahead. So, i want to thank you beforehand. If you want to get in touch to talk or share about these topics, dont hesitate to contact!

Take care

#iweigh #jameela jamil #body image #bodypositivity #body acceptance #smoking #addiction #anxiety #depression #higherself #shadow self #quarantine

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polygamyff · 4 years

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49. Part 2

Now we both quiet, I disagree with Robyn totally on this she is being deluded about my mother that is still with my dad for money, I know that, I mean the whole world does but my girl wants to be like this, she is probably acting out because she is stressed out. What young woman would want to be with an already old man, it’s money and I don’t care. Looking over at Robyn, she is angry. With her arms folded and the frown, she is very angry over something she didn’t need to say anything about, Mami has been there for me when I was ill, doesn’t she understand this “stop looking at me” Robyn said, I sighed out “I don’t want to argue with you over this” I really don’t want that, I want us to get on “but she’s not coming to the home, that is the issue and the issue will remain Maurice. Maybe if you were not so damn disrespectful towards the woman that pushed you out then maybe I may have but no, I just cannot do it. I cannot allow it” well this is an issue then “the home is also my home too; I just think you need to let it go. My mother was useless, some people are better parents” Robyn put her hand up “you would have replaced me and took my child, your attitude is that nasty” clearing my throat shaking my head “this is why I respect you Robyn, you care. You are more of a woman then my own mother, you would kill me first before I take Reign, I love you for that. You would fight me, that is love. She did not love me enough” that is the truth “how do you know she does not love you!? The golden fucking boy, the key to the company, she didn’t love? That is utter fucking bullshit Maurice, you are so wrong, and I do not want to hear it, this is not happening Maurice. I am sorry” I guess we are going to agree to disagree on this “mhmmm” some battles I am not going to win but I will have to work on Robyn “I love you though, and I do mean it when I say I respect you a lot for the way you are. I do respect your opinion too, I don’t want you to be upset with me either” rubbing my chin, I know Robyn is angry as shit so I am trying to calm her ass down “well I guess tonight will be fun” that means she is going to continue it.

Looks like they are here, I can see from the glass in the meeting room they have arrived. I can see Jay’ big ass head “well your family are here, I guess your hate can leave for a while” sitting back in the seat “are you going to leave me now? Because we argued” shaking my head “never, I respect you. I told you this” watching Robyn’ body language soften as she sees these people, she is not frowning anymore so that is a good thing “come in” Jay opened the door, Robyn looks so nervous right now “it’s ok” grabbing her hand “sit here” Jay pointed at the seats, Rell’ mother walked around Jay and literally came over ever so close “woah, hey. Please stay here” Robyn’ eyes widened as this lady came close enough “oh hello, I am not here to scare you. I am Daphne, I will not hurt her. Hi, oh my god! I felt it in my heart, I felt in my heart my son was living on. I knew god would answer my prayers, god did. Look at you, you are so beautiful” Daphne is so emotional, she is actually holding a bible too, she must be religious as hell “mom, please sit down” her son said, Robyn swallowed hard not even saying a word. I can only imagine how she feels right now, it’s a lot to take in. Just seeing this woman that is actually your grandmother, it’s a lot for her. Robyn gripped my hand as I held hers, she is nervous “wait outside” I said to Jay “we are ok here” smiling at him “I will be out there, I have your keycard” nodding my head.

Daphne is staring at Robyn in awe and Robyn is looking in fear, she is so nervous “so erm, shall we just introduce each other to everyone?” I asked, I might as well help them do this “yes, yes. I am Daphne, I am Rell’, he was my baby” she said as her voice broke “Wesley Romano” the father said “Kiano, it’s nice to meet you” the no emotion man speaks “are you going to tell them?” I said to Robyn “oh I’m Maurice, her fiancé” I added “Robyn” she said in a whisper “just like Rell, beginning with an R, how are you?” Daphne asked “Filia eius vere sunt idem quaerere” Wesley said to Kiano “what did he say?” Robyn was quick to ask me “erm, he said you’re really his daughter. You look the same” Kiano’ face softened, he didn’t think I would know “Robyn, you need to stop being so quiet. I know they don’t know you but come on” I said in a whisper, Robyn is staring at me for help like I can carry on speak on her behalf. She looked away from me and at them “I am ok, just a little scared. Nervous” she needs to speak “I am too, I am so happy to see you. I felt it in my heart, I saw the TV and god blessed me. I don’t want to scare you, but I am so happy” catching Wesley wipe his eye, he is emotional “it’s ok” Robyn said in a whisper “did your mom never tell you Robyn? Beautiful name, it reminds me of my son” Robyn shook her head “I found out just recently, it was a shock to me. Don’t think I am being rude, but I am just trying to sink this in, I know you are too but it’s just scary. I thought this man was my father, he was good to me and then he isn’t. I am not being rude, but I am just thinking too” moving my hand away from Robyn “thank you for letting us see you, you didn’t have too. It’s emotional to see” Wesley said but put his head down “so what do you do?” Kiano asked Robyn “you moved here recently” Robyn nodded her head “and I am surgeon at the trauma unit at the king’s county hospital” Daphne gasped and both grandparents looked at each other looking ever so proud “that is amazing Robyn, wow. A surgeon huh, who would have thought that. Wow” Kiano looked taken a back “my brother would have been so proud, wow. I am amazed by it” I grinned proudly at Robyn “thank you, I didn’t think I would have got that far. When I told my parents what I wanted to do, my mom believed in me, it was a hard journey but to be a surgeon at this age, it’s amazing. Everyone that sees me are like you’re twenty seven, and a surgeon? I just passed my test papers like they were nothing, everything just seemed so easy, but yeah. Thank you” Robyn is finally speaking “Exaltabitur cor vestrum, which means I am proud of you” Wesley said, Robyn shyly put her head down, they are really so proud of her.

Smiling at Robyn “so are you Latino?” Robyn pointed at Wesley “erm yes my mother is Latino, my father left me when I was five. I didn’t know him, so I grew up in a strict Latino family, my dad is black. I don’t know him, but I speak a lot of Latin and English. I met Daphne, she reminded me of my mother a lot, so we got married, and we had five children. Rell being our youngest, this is Kiano, he would have been the youngest, but she fell pregnant again” Wesley laughed “we have so many babies now, but that was it. I have five children in my heart, I got three boys, two girls and” he went quiet putting his head down “I am still heartbroken till this day, my son gone like that but seeing you. My heart feels healed, things got so bad we divorced, and it was a bad time. I thank you so much for seeing us, I wish we know before, the love we hold here” he placed his hand over his heart “it’s big, we don’t know you, but you look just like him and I hope we do get to know you more, that is up to you” Wesley is a nice guy, maybe the cartel thing is a joke “I would like to know more about my dad, how was he?” Robyn is asking questions “shall I get the picture out?” Kiano said “please, oh he was so mischievous, he was a good boy Robyn. He was never bad, he was mistaken. Oh he was very shy too, I goes Wesley he has no girlfriend, where is it” Daphne said laughing and so did Robyn “and then he told his sister he met your mother, my sister said he was over the moon. And I do kind of remember her but it was blurry but that was the first time I found out he had a girlfriend; I think your mom was his real relationship but he was so shy” I feel like Robyn is more into this now “my mom said he wasn’t a bad guy, she said the stupid man was in the wrong place. She said they argued about the situation that night and she was going to tell him about me but then, it happened and to hear how you all speak on him, I wish I knew him you know. I am mourning this man I don’t know” Kiano got up from the chair and made his way over to us “this is my brother at six months out, we was laughing at him as kids” Kiano placed his phone down, looking down at the phone seeing the baby picture “he had a bald patch at the back of his head so our older siblings were laughing, he was so upset because they was laughing and he didn’t understand” he does look upset “no way, Reign had the same bald patch right there, oh my god” Robyn placed her hand over her mouth “oh my” she said in a whisper “she really did, that is weird” I said, it’s literally the same spot as his.

It was nice to see picture of her dad, Robyn looks a little emotional “this is weird, I do understand but I want to make sure we make you as comfortable as possible. Your dad was a good man, I cannot speak on the family around us on what they are like but I can speak on my kids, and we are good people. He was my bonus baby that I love so much, and I am so happy to meet you. I feel whole, I felt it in my soul there was something missing, you both have a daughter?” nodding my head “I do, Reign-Texas, she is nine months. After seeing those pictures, you know. She looks like me, she has his ears, but she is my mini me and I see Rell in her, it’s really got me shocked. I have my mother’ eyes but he is me and I just, I am sad I don’t know him, but I feel happy in a way. I am glad I met you, I feel at peace too” Daphne cooed out “can I see a picture of her? Please?” she asked, Robyn looked at me “I left my phone at home” letting out an oh unlocking my phone “I can show you” sliding across my apps “are you both married?” Wesley asked “erm, not right now” tapping on the latest picture I have which is her first day at day care “oh you said fiancé” getting up and reaching my phone over to them, Kiano grabbed my phone “she is beautiful, my brother a grandparent. You know, this is so nice to see. That little nigga never left my heart” nodding my head “he is my brother, like no matter what shit he did. I told him, I said for him to stop but he didn’t. if I could have him here, I would drag him to help him. He was being stupid, he got caught up but he’s my blood, nobody can hurt my blood and upset my blood but me, we were angry. And yeah, I love my family” that hit me, I thought of Malik straight away “oh she is so precious, you can tell she is a diva. That cheeky smile, oh she is beautiful” Daphne complimented.

Sitting back down in my seat after getting my phone from them “I would love you for you to see the rest of the family, they all wanted to come but I got chosen. You think we can see you again? Tomorrow? We came out here for you and my mom has had enough fun for today, she is old and needs to rest up. I am asking on behalf of them, we want to get to know you, get to know my brother’ daughter. If you don’t want too then I also understand, it’s a lot to think about” Kiano said, Robyn looked at me and I shrugged “up to you” I said to her “we can meet at a restaurant, if you would like tomorrow?” so she does want to see them “we can do that, if we can exchange numbers so we can just contact you?” watching Robyn’ grandparents holding hands, they looks so relieved and happy “I don’t know it off by heart my number, Maurice give Kiano my number” moving my eyes away “uh yeah, ok” unlocking my phone to get Robyn’ number “it’s just mind blowing, I am in shock still. When you are in California, please come to see us. You have to come, no bad intentions just want to show you your family, show you where your dad is buried” I wonder if Robyn would actually want to see that “I would like that” Robyn is shocking me every moment right now. She was so scared at first and now she is like yes I will do this and that.

Jay escorted them out, we didn’t do no handshaking or hugging just a simple bye “your grandparents are cute together, I don’t see why they broke up. The mother is very emotional, she is very in touch with her feelings. And I remember you told me that, you are too” I know Robyn told me that “I am” pushing my chair back “so” I dragged out “tell me, how you feeling after this? Good? Not nervous? Come on” Robyn smiled “erm, it went better then I thought. It was emotional, I feel a lot better than I did with Thomas. When you kept saying Cartel, I thought they are going to be so mean to me, I am not going to like them, but they are so kind, I see me in him and that is what scares me. I mean ok, I got my mother’ eyes so people jump on the I look like my mom but, him. I get it from him, it’s just wild to me. I feel happier, happy I met them” Robyn nodded her head “yeah, I happy” I cooed out “I am happy for you and I don’t really have an issue with what I saw, with what I met. They are very genuine people. Very heartbroken after all theses years with what happened to Rell. I think it was one of those things, he was hanging with that crowd, and by the sounds of it he was a very shy guy and it’s a real shame but, we will see what tomorrow brings huh?” Robyn looks very happy and I like that.

#Chrianna #Chrianna FF #Fanfic #Fanfiction

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alwaysabeautifullife · 5 years

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I really need advice. My mom has a lot of trauma and emotional baggage that she puts on to me. She drinks and smokes religiously (I think that’s we’re half of my dads child support money goes). She yells and curses at me for anything, to the point were I have to text my dad and ask if what I did was really that bad or if mom is just putting her stress out on me, and she just refuses to let me talk, despite promising my dad that she would. I have the ability to move in with my dad, 1/2

“1/2 but I don’t, because if I’m gone, who does my mom have? My mom babied me as a young child, then realized her mistake and treats me poorly in order to “make me tougher.” It just messes with my head and stresses me out. Any non religious advice to help cope? Sorry if this is poorly written I’m tired”

(Sorry un advance this is so long, I’ve been writing this for like 3 days)

When I was between 9-11 my mom and I were really into watching shows on Lifetime and like murder mysteries (or aliens). In those days Lifetime had a lot of crime or abuse stories. At the end of the investigation or whatever, they would conclude that the killer/abuser did all these horrific things because of the “abuse he suffered as a child”. My mom would always shoot up from her chair and leave the room muttering how it was “bullshit”, that people abuse kids, or murder or whatever because they were abused as a child themselves. I didn’t really get why she had that reaction until I got older and I learned more about my family secrets and my moms childhood.

My mom suffered abuse that was so disgustingly horrible, I have yet today heard or read about abuse as bad as what she suffered from. In fact, I have actual ptsd symptoms related to listening to my mom tell me a few of the things that happened to her as a kid, in addition to carrying extreme guilt about the things my relatives have done related to crimes. She was angry all those times because having a difficult past, is never an excuse to do bad things. Ever. My mom was really far from a perfect mom, but even when she was an addict we were well cared for. We had a clean house, clean clothes, we were tucked in bed and read to every night, we had vacations like everyone else, sometimes my mom would be in her room for several hours while my brother and I played like normal kids.

Eventually as my mom addiction got worse (we didn’t even notice), she sent us to live with our Dad. Unfortunately our lives were not good with my dad, but no body expected that, not my brother and I or our mom. She was doing what she thought was best for us, despite what she suffered from as a child, as an adult, and an addiction. She never used her life, her pain as an excuse to harm us. Even though my mom is an addict (clean for many many years), I still see her as a very very strong person, probably the strongest person I’ve ever known.

One thing we always try to do, especially for people we love, is understand why they hurt us. We make excuses for them. We say “they hurt us because they are hurt, they are stressed,”. We write their excuses. This isn’t our responsibility, and no excuse, no reason to hurt someone is ever a valid reason. Wrong is wrong. We can still love someone and protect ourselves. We can still love someone and do what’s best for us.

You have to realize, even though you love your mom, you are not responsible for her pain, or her healing. You also have to realize that even though you love her, what she is doing is wrong, no matter how good of a person she is, or no matter all the good things she does in between of the bad, or before the bad.

I know you’re young, I’m going to just assume you’re maybe in high school? But I want you to imagine your best friend in a situation as an adult, the same situation, but instead of your friends mother, it’s your friends boyfriend or husband. He comes home and screams at her because he “had a stressful day”, she tells you that she doesn’t want to leave him because she’s all he has. That is your situation now, but with your mom. It’s hard to hear, but it is abuse. And I don’t want you to grow up and you find yourself in a similar situation in your future with a man or woman you are dating.

As a parent, my children’s wellness is more important than my own, in anyway. I want my children to do what is physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually healthy for them no matter how much it hurts me. I don’t want them to look out for me, I want to look out for them. And as children, teens, I want them to not worry about my problems or my pain because I want them to enjoy their childhood/teenhood. I want them to live.

You know, sometimes I argue with my teens, sometimes I’m in a bad mood because of private things in my life they don’t know about, and i have snapped at them for no good reason. That night I agonize over it, and I always make a point to explain to them that it was wrong and I’m sorry. They tell me “mom it’s fine, I know you were having a bad day,” and I always look them in the eyes seriously and tell them “no, it’s not ok for me, an adult to take out any stress or pain on you, and I don’t ever ever want you to accept that treatment from anybody or give that treatment to anyone else.”

If you stay with your mom, because you feel responsible for her, many of your choices that are vital in your life like school, work, etc with revolve and be put off for your mom when it shouldn’t be. You are responsible for your life, your happiness and wellness, never your moms. Your mom is an adult and her choices are her own, including the choice to allow stress or pain to ruin her day or her life, and the choice to let it affect you.

As far as coping if you still live with your mom because maybe there are many reasons why you feel like you have to, most importantly you can’t blame yourself. After just reading your message I highly doubt being loved and cared for or “babied” is going to spoil you, despite what your mom thinks. You are a genuinely caring and considerate person, you put a lot of time into thinking about your situation, you have a sense of responsibility and seek understanding. These aren’t the qualities of a spoiled person, or bad person.

It’s hard to cope in your situation because right now you’re probably living your life walking on eggshells around your mom, trying not to trigger her anger, trying not to make any mistake or do anything wrong because it will be blown out of proportion and her reaction will be explosive. You probably spend more energy into tip-toeing around her than you get to with caring for yourself, school, your friends, your relationships, your hobbies. And that’s really not fair, and it’s not right.

I want to tell you that I do not believe that your mom is a bad or evil person. She’s just a person. People make mistakes, and these people have a responsibility to correct them, not make habits out of them. Even though she is not a bad or evil person, her bad actions should never be excused away or dismissed.

I want to encourage you to tell your mom how you feel but I honestly do not know if that is safe for you to do. I also don’t know if it will make it worse, or if you have already done that. I do recommend you telling your dad, because as an adult, your dad, he has more responsibility to fix this situation than you do. If it is possible to speak to your parents at the same time, your dad leading the way, this would be the best but once again this could become more a hostile situation, so I say this cautiously, with you being the only person that can determine if this is safe and possible.

If you are able to reach the point that your mom understands what she is doing as wrong and asks for forgiveness, trust her patterns of actions rather then apologies. If she says sorry and does it again and this cycle goes on and on, she is not sorry and she is not making a true effort to stop. Always keep this in mind for anyone’s behavior in the future. Trust patterns, not apologies. That’s a really unfortunate truth for people who find themselves in abusive situations, it shouldn’t be like that, but it is.

It’s important for you to know that in all relationships you must form boundaries. Love has boundaries. It’s important to have them with everyone, especially your closest relationships. Even if it would be difficult to implement them with your mom, I really really suggest you thinking and writing down (even just on your phone) boundaries and rules you want with your mom. An important one as an example would be no yelling (from anyone, you, your mom, your dad), and maybe the expectation that your mom needs to quietly listen to your concerns, or maybe that your mom needs to have more positive affection (like quality time, or maybe positive expressions verbally, physically, or in actions). I think if you think about all the ways you want to form boundaries and expectations with the relationship with your mom it will make it easier to n voice your concerns to either your mom, your dad, or to another adult, and will prepare you for future healthy relationships.

Sometimes, in extreme situations you can both love someone and temporarily stop the relationship, or have a relationship that’s through phone, text, email, or public outings only. Some relationships must be stopped all together. I definitely do not think this is the case, but I want you to know for your future, especially when you are an adult that this situation may come up many times and you will likely need to do this.

I hope that something I said helps, I only spoke from experience myself in similar situations and as a parent. Please stay safe and take care of yourself!

#asks

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jinjojess · 5 years

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DR Kirigiri Vol. 5 Summary Part I

God, does it feel so nice to back with the characters and storyline that’s arguably my favorite of the franchise.

Let’s get into it, shall we?

So to refresh your memory of DRK4, Yadorigi--seeking revenge for the death of his partner Uosumi in DRK2--solved a case with a bunch of mystery dweebs at an old abandoned school in the mountains and was picked up by Lico via helicopter, Samidare felt up some girls who were tied up in coffins in an abandoned girls’ school, and Kirigiri figured out that Tsutsumi had done a sloppy job of setting up a mystery at the Center for Twin Research which forced him to call her bluff and crash his car off a bridge. Last we left, Babygiri was unconscious and at the mercy of a literal killer.

So clearly we pick back up with Samidare at the girls’ school, because why wouldn’t we?

Honestly, I’m pretty happy with this, since I don’t want the Kirigiri plotline resolved too soon in this book (remember, I need Samidare to think she’s dead for awhile and grieve) and Lico and Yadorigi wasn’t a huge cliffhanger or anything.

Anyway, when we last left Samidare, she had discovered two high school girls tied up in coffins at Libra Girls’ Academy after chasing a black-caped suspect into the room only for them to disappear. The two girls in question are Nada Tsukiyo, a loud-mouthed brat with traditionally Japanese features like long black hair and pale skin, and her friend and classmate Tooakitsu “Naz” Nazuna, the red-headed, bob cut-sporting calm and polite one. Their physical appearances are both supposed to be ironic given their personalities. Another classmate of theirs, Takezaki Hana, was found dead by Samidare right after she woke up.

Chapter 1 The Mania of Existence: Libra Girls’ Academy - Samidare Yui

In this book, Samidare spends a few moments musing over what the hell Ryuuzouji’s true goal is with these cases, which I also want to know about as well since, as I’ve pointed out before, the rules here make no sense from a dude trying to win or even be fair. Samidare remembers a few things that Ryuuzouji said to her in DRK3 when he wanted her to become his apprentice, like how they both hate evil and will do anything to stop it, and how to do the right thing, sacrifices must be made.

Samidare thinks that’s bullshit though. She hates evil, it’s true, especially since her sister’s death, but she’s nothing like Ryuuzouji. His whole “sacrifice is necessary for the greater good” kind of thinking only makes sense if you’re operating on the kind of genius-level a Triple Zero detective would have; to regular old Samidare, she thinks there are better alternatives.

This is actually really interesting, not only because in the last book Yadorigi has that self-introspection moment where he acknowledges that he’s becoming just as bad at the Committee in the name of vengeance. It’s also because there’s that implication that Samidare could have gone to Kibougamine if she’d continued in high jumping/athletics in general, but she chose not to in order to be a detective, which she considers much more fulfilling given the whole sister abduction trauma she’s got going on. It really highlights the whole culture of excellence that the DRverse is subsumed in and I like that DRK is tackling similar issues as the rest of the mainline series but in a more subtle and personal choice-based way.

It makes Samidare kind of like the anti-Hinata in a way--she rejects her natural talents to do something else she feels is right. I just find that fascinating.

Anyway, Samidare suspects that part of the challenge in these twelve cases is to prove that she’s distinctly different from Ryuuzouji in world view, but she’s got to solve the case in front of her before she can do anything else.

While last time Tsukiyo and Nazuna were accusing Samidare of being the one who tied them up, this time they decide to try and figure out what the last thing they remember is. Turns out, both of them remember hopping a taxi to get to school because of bus delays and not wanting to be late to school. Samidare posits that the Committee might have been behind the traffic jams so that they could get both girls into cabs driven by their operatives and bring them here.

Privately, Samidare considers Nazuna a little too calm and rational under the circumstances, which makes her suspicious, but there isn’t much else to go on at this point.

Tsukiyo muses over why anyone would want to kidnap her. Is it because her parents have money? “You’re rich?” Samidare asks, to which Tsukiyo replies that there are richer people around her. Nazuna also reveals that Takezaki, the victim Samidare found when she woke up, was in the lower caste of their class, so it doesn’t make much sense why she’d be targeted. Samidare also muses that shitty cliques between girls are apparently ubiquitous.

Nazuna is also not believing that Takezaki is really dead without seeing a body, but she can’t exactly stroll over to the other room with her hands and feet bound as they are. Tsukiyo demands that Samidare let them free, but the issue is that the key is nowhere to be found. Samidare tells them to be good while she goes to search for a key.

“What else are we going to do? Hurry up. And while you’re out there, look for a bathroom. You’d better not make me hold it,” Tsukiyo adds.

On her way out of the room, Samidare notes a couple of interesting things: first, the door is a sliding door that closes on its own, similar to sliding doors in hospitals; and there’s no sign of a keyhole or locking mechanism. Since the sliding door rail is on the inside of the room, Samidare wonders if maybe the culprit put a bar in to keep the door closed after they ran inside, but there was no sign of anything holding the door open in the room. And it couldn’t be that the caped figure was just holding the door closed, since Samidare was pulling on it the entire time and they wouldn’t have time to hide.

Huh.

The girls start to yell at her to get going already, so Samidare takes stock of the building. There’s the small, round room with the coffins, connected to the larger chapel with a small hallway. Directly across the way is another narrow corridor that leads to the other round room with the corpse where Samidare woke up. At six o’clock there’s the main entrance, boarded up with thick planks Samidare doesn’t think she could pry off by herself. The chapel itself has about twenty pews plus a pulpit and a raised area with a statue of the Virgin Mary on it and a cross on the wall. There’s also two bathrooms, for men and women, each of which have windows, but they’re boarded up as well. There are no windows anywhere else, all the light provided by bulbs set into the walls.

Samidare notes that the building is in a cross shape, which is common in religious buildings (I personally see it more as an upsidedown capital T, but hey.)

The fact that she’s trapped with no phone or any other way to contact the outside world could be worse, Samidare thinks, since they have that check in call thing set up from the last book around midnight, and once she doesn’t check in, the others will come to her aid.

Well, so long as every other detective on this case isn’t ALSO trapped in the Duel Noir venue.

Shit.

Congrats, Samidare! You lasted ten whole pages to start worrying about Kirigiri!

...Was Kirigiri-chan okay?

There probably wasn’t any reason to worry she wouldn’t solve her own case. Then I remembered that something bad might happen to her during her dogged pursuit of truth and started worrying again.

I figured it was stemming from my fear that she might disappear forever someday.

I’d get out of here somehow and Kirigiri-chan and I would go back home to the dorm together.

I needed to hurry up and solve this case.

Oh, I’ve missed you, you big insecure gay disaster.

All this thinking of Kirigiri suddenly has made Samidare remember what she said to her on the train before they parted ways in a melodramatic fashion in the last book--keep an eye on zodiac signs.

Oh yeah, guys, did you forget that Ryuuzouji is a Homestuck? Cause I didn’t.

This causes an issue though, since Tsukiyo’s birthday is July 30th and Nazuna’s is August 21st, which makes neither of them Libras. The victim isn’t a Libra either, so either their student ID cards are forged/incorrect, or none of them is the culprit.

Could it be that the zodiac signs don’t have anything to do with the case? But if Kirigiri has given the theory such serious consideration, Samidare can’t just ignore it.

Trying to figure out where the culprit in the black cape could have gone, Samidare checks under the pulpit at the front of the chapel, but to no avail. She inspects the Mary statue next, only to find that oddly enough this Holy Virgin is sporting some bling...oh no, wait, it’s a key!!

...Too bad the chain is in too small a loop to fit over Mary’s head.

Samidare considers bringing the other two girls into the chapel to the statue, but it would tricky to use the key on such a short chain and such a raised platform on their hands AND feet, so there has to be another way.

Maybe I could get the key if I broke the head off the statue?

There was no way I could do something so blasphemous, though. The Virgin Mary watched over all the students at the school I attended too, so I mentally couldn’t bring myself to break her.

Jesus Christ, Samidare.

Junko: Which will you choose, Yui-san? Kirigiri or this statue of the Virgin Mother? One of them is going into this volcano one way or another.

Samidare: Errrr...

Kirigiri: Onee-sama, are you serious?

Samidare: Leave me alone! I’m thinking!

Anyway, the good news for Samidare’s eternal soul is that there’s a wheeled platform in the corner that she use to transport Mary into the other room with the key.

The only problem is that when she gets back, announcing she has the key, both girls are missing.

Before she has time to process this though, Tsukiyo tackles Samidare to the ground and shouts for Nazuna to steal the key from her. They’re both pretty shocked and upset to see that Samidare doesn’t have a key on her (though good on them for getting back at her for the unsolicited pat down).

“There’s no key? So you lied to us?”

“It wasn’t a lie,” I groaned. “If you hadn’t attacked me like this, I’d have just handed over the key!”

“Quit your complaining, you kidnapper!”

“I’m not a kidnapper!” Of all the things in the world I could be accused of, that was the one thing I wanted to be called least. “I’m a detective!”

I shoved Tsukiyo off of me and stood up. She gazed up at me from the floor, cowering and looking terrified. Nazuna also looked upset, kneeling on the floor.

Dusting off the sleeve of my coat, I adjusted my collar and took a deep breath to collect myself.

“My name is Samidare Yui. I haven’t told you yet, have I? You may not trust me, but...honestly, I still find the two of you pretty suspicious. So let’s keep an eye on each other and call a truce for now. Is that okay?”

The other two nodded silently.

Samidare then uses the key on the Mary statue to free Tsukiyo, who thanks god and does the sign of the cross. After Tsukiyo frees Nazuna, Samidare gives them the reader’s digest version of the situation they’re in and suggests that since Takezaki is already dead but the case isn’t over and they’re still trapped, the two of them aren’t out of the woods yet and could still be targets. They need to prioritize getting out before anything happens to them.

Nazuna requests to see Takezaki’s body for herself, which Tsukiyo doesn’t seem interested in until Nazuna appeals to her by saying they owe it to a fellow classmate.

Samidare leads the way back to the other room, chatting about the chapel and everyone confirming that they haven’t been there before, but the school looks pretty good for having been abandoned for 17 years (longer than they’ve been alive, heh...), but Samidare explains that the Committee probably spruced it up to be the set for the Duel Noir.

The two girls also say that they get the feeling that they may have felt someone else’s presence in the room before Samidare opened the coffins, but they couldn’t be sure.

Once they reach hallway to the room where Takezaki is, Samidare has this horrible feeling--she can see that the door, which should have shut automatically--is wide open and showing an empty room. There aren’t even any bloodstains or anything left behind.

Samidare starts having a breakdown about this, throwing out the possibility that the culprit moved the body while she was checking the bathrooms, while Tsukiyo gets disgruntled and wants to look for a way out so she can make her violin lesson on time.

Too bad the door to the small room isn’t opening.

Nazuna tries it too but can’t open it either.

Tsukiyo at this point loses her shit.

“Th-This can’t be happening? We’re trapped in here, with no TV or phones or anything?” Tsukiyo said, aghast. “Ah, I didn’t even get to go to the bathroom yet!”

“Uh oh, we may be stuck in here for the whole time...”

“What do you mean ‘the whole time’? How long is that?”

“Worst case scenario...six days.”

If the other detectives didn’t come to my rescue, and the culprit intended to win by time out, then we might have to resign ourselves to being stuck here for six days.

“NO! If we stay here for six days, I will die!” Tsukiyo pounded her fists on the door in a panic. “At least bring us food and water! But not hard tap water! Make it soft mineral water! And let me go to the toilet first!”

Nazuna meanwhile is more puzzled by how the door isn’t opening given it doesn’t have a lock on it. That’s when Samidare notices that unlike the other room, the track for this door is on the outside, on the hallway side. She and the girls muse that the caped culprit locked them inside by setting up a bar to prevent the door from being slid open.

Well then.

Samidare’s ego is taking quite a blow.

I guess I really couldn’t do anything by myself.

What would Kirigiri-chan do in this situation?

She was always thinking one step ahead.

And she’d never stopped her trek toward the truth.

That’s right, she’d never avert her eyes from the case in front of her...

I couldn’t give up.

I had to get up and keep going.

“The only thing I can think of is that the culprit’s using some kind of trick.” I stepped away from the door and looked around the room. “I don’t think the body going missing and us being trapped here are unrelated. There’s got to be a secret hidden here that we haven’t found yet.”

“A secret?” Tsukiyo and Nazuna asked in unison, looking over their shoulders at me.

I nodded.

“I will definitely figure out the secret to this mystery,” I announced, not only to myself, but to the culprit who could also be listening.

Part 1 End

I’m so glad the moral of this chapter was WWKD (What Would Kirigiri Do).

Apologies for any typos or anything you may find. I’ll edit a bit later on.

Guys, I am having so much fun reading DRK again. This was a good plan.

See you soon!

NEXT PART >

#DR Kirigiri #DRK5 #DRK5 summary #Samidare Yui #translations #long post #DRK updates on Father's Day is peak irony

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birdsy-purplefishes · 5 years

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I have MANY thoughts and feelings about Midsommar.

Okay I saw Midsommar last night and it was an experience. So this post is probably going to be long and rambling and it is definitely 100% for-sure going to contain some spoilers. I’m gonna put a whole lot of it behind a Read More.

First, though, I want to say that while I thought this film was great it is definitely one of the most disturbing things I have ever seen. I went into it knowing almost nothing--and honestly I wouldn’t have been prepared even if I had read spoilers--and that was the ideal way to see it for me but there are many triggering things and some very problematic things in this film. I’m gonna try to be vague as possible but you might not not to watch this one if anything from the following list is something you can’t handle. That said: I am very easily disturbed by a lot of things and I found that this film was so bizarre that I never really felt like I couldn’t finish it. It’s... kind of weirdly selective about which gruesome stuff it shows and what it doesn’t. The most terrifying things to me were implied things and I didn’t realize them until after it had ended. Somehow... miraculously... this film didn’t come across as gore/torture-p*rn to me. So Trigger Warning / Content Warnings for this movie: Violence, blood, gore, horrible suffering. Sex, nudity. Mental illness and stigmatization/perpetuation of harmful myths about mentally ill people. Suicide. Ableism. Racism. A rape scene that I think most people didn’t even realize was a rape scene because it’s bizarre and left somewhat ambiguous. Emetophobia triggers. Body horror. A whole lot of drugs. Squicky grossout stuff. Emotional, psychological, and religious abuse.

There’s probably other stuff I forgot. Basically everything horrible is in this movie. It was definitely worth it but it’s a hard watch.

Okay, now for spoilery stuff.

The backstory shown in the first few minutes is incredibly disturbing. Dani’s bipolar sister murders their parents and kills herself. It’s graphic. It’s disturbing. It definitely portrays suicide in a negative light, which is pretty much good, but: can horror movies stop perpetuating myths about mentally ill people?! This stuff is damaging! It makes mentally ill people out to be monsters and then ignorant people treat them worse. It makes mentally ill people feel like there isn’t any hope for them! This part sucked a lot. The only interpretation of this that isn’t awful is the fan theory that there are clues in the background that suggest that the cult may have actually framed Dani’s sister but that’s kind of a stretch. None of the other foreshadowing in the film is as subtle as the supposed hints that the cult fabricated the whole thing so I doubt it.

The foreshadowing is actually super obvious. It’s the typical horror film where the characters have no idea what’s going on & you’re like “DUDE GET OUT OF THERE!” the whole time. People on the subreddit are pointing out all kinds of foreshadowing and even the tapestry at the beginning shows you who all of the characters are and like 90% of the story.

Dani’s boyfriend, Christian, sucks. His friends suck. There’s a lot of macho bullshit and they’re just cold and dismissive. And the boyfriend’s a manipulative little leech. You hate him so much! I found myself hoping that she’d kill them all except maybe the cute friendly Swede. Basically the entire movie he’s gaslighting and dismissing her and his friends talk shit about her constantly. It’s the typical “oh, women are irrational and over sensitive” macho bullshit. Like to the extent that all of them know about the murder-suicide of her entire family but none of them try to fucking shield her from seeing the suicide ritual. Not even the guys who know damn well what it is going into it!

The fact that they’re all anthropology majors and they go into it with a sense of cold detachment and an insistence on cultural relativism (or utter obliviousness) and it makes them total assholes wasn’t lost on me and I’m glad that someone went into detail: https://slate.com/culture/2019/07/midsommar-graduate-students-villains-ari-aster.html

The bros say something about him dumping her and finding somebody who “actually likes sex” and there’s a lot of interpretations to that, none of which are less than horrible. Like does he try to pressure her into doing stuff she doesn’t want to? Probably! Like whether she has emotional or physical sexual dysfunction isn’t discussed and that’s kind of brilliant because even if she does have issues it’s not her fault at all and the dudes are g a r b a g e for even suggesting it.

The cute friendly Swedish dude (Pelle) who was the only one to be kind to Dani at all was actually the worst manipulator of all! He’s totally luring her in! He’s love-bombing and manipulating her! He literally “draws” her in. He does some forced-teaming shared-trauma bullshit. I gotta say though: I fell for it! I wanted her to dump the guy for him! I’m almost surprised that she didn’t fall for it. I think it’s more due to the fact that she’s traumatized and grieving than anything.

The most disturbing thing about the guy, though, is that I can’t decide if he does all of this because he’s evil or because he’s genuinely a true believer and believes with all his heart that he’s doing good things. That will haunt me forever tbh. Just... always watch out for guys who want to “save” you. They are the scariest fucking abusers.

The whole cult is love-bombing her, actually. The whole film is like Cult Tactics 101. They find a vulnerable young woman who’s lost everything. She doesn’t feel a sense of love and belonging anywhere. She has no support system unless you count her garbage basically-sociopathic-but-aloof boyfriend who really doesn’t count. Pelle hand-selected her because she’s the ideal cult brainwashing candidate. He’s seen firsthand just how much shit she takes from Christian and how she’s constantly falling for his gaslighting and tolerating him mistreating her. I was actually kind of disturbed at how many women I saw online reacting to the cult saying it was empowering or matriarchal. It’s not at all! The first elder we see leading things is female but the ones handling the book and enforcing the rules are men. I can only recall two women elders who do much of anything and they’re both just prominent parts of ceremonies. They’re announcers/performers. They’re definitely complicit but the men are behind the scenes controlling it. And look at the sex ritual! There’s no real emphasis on female pleasure and it’s all being a good little brood mare. It’s a performance. And small babies are kept away from their mothers to be raised communally. They send the mothers away from their babies! Even the May Queen role sucks if you think about it for even a second. The whole “we’re a family” thing is just creepy as hell. There’s even a lot of foreshadowing to it that I missed, like the guy who greets her shaking the mens’ hands but saying “welcome home” to her. Said guy also calls his traditional garb “girly” when Dani compliments it, btw! And of course the division of labor is patriarchal. The clothing is patriarchal too.

The mental health ableism stuff is bad but there’s ableism based on physical disability as well. Arguably it’s supposed to condemn the cult for fetishizing disabled people and promoting incest to deliberately create disabled people but... it still comes across as “look at this deformed kid” and it’s fucked up.

I can’t tell if the movie is trying to show us that the cult is racist or if the movie itself is racist. They kill off the three non-white outsiders pretty quick. Was that classic horror movie “the black guy dies first” bullshit or was that supposed to be like “look, these seemingly peaceful and loving people are xenophobic and racist and there’s a reason why all of them are super duper white despite bringing in outsiders”. Like I came out of the film definitely convinced that it’s no coincidence that the blue-eyed blonde chick gets singled out as special by these people.

It made me really uncomfortable to realize that the sex ritual is technically a rape scene. We get clues that Christian goes into it voluntarily to some extent, sure. When he knows that girl (and she does look like a young girl!) is trying to seduce him we don’t really see his reaction but he doesn’t seem to refuse outright. He seems ambivalent until he's offered the drugs but then he hears that they’ll make him lose his inhibitions, looks at the girl, and gulps the liquid. He saw it as an excuse to get away with cheating and he took it. But that doesn’t change the fact that he’s drugged when he actually agrees to the sex. He’s tripping the whole time. He’s being pressured and prodded and even literally physically manipulated. He’s out of it. The girl seems kind of out of it too. It’s really fucked up. But like it’s so weird and you’re so mad at him for everything shitty he’s done to Dani that you’re just like what?! But when you think about the fact that he’s drugged and you see the way he’s horrified after he realizes what he’s done... it’s horrific. He was violated.

I like that we see just how viscerally traumatic it is to be cheated on. Dani vomits, collapses and wails. And our sympathies are with her.

The cultists imitation of their members’ suffering is actually deeply disturbing and a huge aspect of the love-bombing thing, especially for Dani. She goes from being barely held by her expressionless piece-of-shit boyfriend while she wails to having a whole bunch of women replicate and act out her suffering. They do this too at the botched suicide and the final scene. They even kind of do it when she fails to eat the fish. It kind of looks communal and empathetic but it’s a feigned empathy. It’s another way that people in the cult lose their own personal identities. Nothing is yours there! Not even your suffering is yours.

To be honest... I went to see this film ‘cause a lot of the reactions to it were women gleefully enjoying seeing a shitty boyfriend suffer a horrible fate. I’m always down for misandry and cinematography! BUT... this was just excessive. The boyfriend is a total bastard. He did kinda need to die tbh. But he basically gets tortured to death. It’s made pretty explicitly clear that it’s horrific. They make no effort to mercy kill him like they did to the elderly guy whose jump failed to kill him. And like... the actor even gets it. The guy’s a scumbag and he doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself. He even backstabs Chidi From The Good Place! But what happened to him is just awful.

The director and the lead actor actually disagree about the ending! Ari Aster says that Dani knows what she’s doing when she condemns Christian to die. Florence Pugh says she’s out of it.

I say it doesn’t actually matter whether Dani chose to kill Christian or not or what her motive was. Honestly it might have been a mercy killing given the state that he was in! Like maybe it was revenge for her and maybe the cult did it to make her feel empowered but it sucks being forced to choose who lives and dies. It sucks that some creepy cultist basically stole her man. It’s the whole “a pedestal is the same as a cage” thing for sure.

Last thing I can think of for now: I’m very surprised and more than a little distressed at all the people--especially women--who see this as a happy ending for Dani. Sure, it’s kind of a dark fairy tale revenge fantasy. But she’s objectively worse off than she is at the beginning of the film! She’s brainwashed and trapped! Like... I forgot where I read this now but basically Aster says that she goes from with one gaslighter to being with an entire cult of gaslighters! What do you think is gonna happen to her in the future?! She’s gonna have to live with her dead boyfriend’s baby that he had with some rando chick if that fertility ritual worked! She’s gonna have to live in a shitty commune. She’s gonna have PTSD 5ever from everything that happened. It’s honestly a tragic and horrible ending.

I’m... still processing this. I know I’m gonna end up adding to this. Feel free to chime in and discuss it with me! This movie was just Intense. BONUS LINKSPAM: Good Takes And Shit!

https://www.cinemablend.com/news/2474518/jordan-peele-says-midsommar-has-the-most-atrociously-disturbing-imagery-hes-ever-seen

https://themuse.jezebel.com/boy-problems-whos-got-em-midsommar-does-1835878652

https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/alisonwillmore/midsommar-ari-aster-florence-pugh

https://www.vulture.com/2019/07/the-end-of-midsommar-ari-asters-last-minutes-explained.html

https://www.npr.org/2019/07/03/738422258/midsommar-shines-a-solstice-nightmare-unfolds-in-broad-daylight

EDIT: Also!!! This film?! Somehow is a comedy! It’s funny as fuck and I’m definitely going to hell for laughing!

#midsommar #horror movies #horror

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