#I WAS USING A COLOR JITTER BRUSH OKAY

[otiksimr]

WASPED

#IGNORE THE SPLATS OF GREEN #I WAS USING A COLOR JITTER BRUSH OKAY #my art #wof #wings of fire #wof fanart #wof hivewing #hivewing #wof wasp #wasp #Queen Wasp #dragon #dragon art #art #artwork #digital art #artists on tumblr #I need to remind myself to use timelapse whenever I do a painting

[luminarrow]

take a stroll now and then

#my ocs #just my big ol guy i think ill name him umm. Ganymede #cause of the moon... its big. thumbs up. #kinda just wanted to try out these umm free brushes i downloaded. for the trees and stuff. it looks okay i think i used the wrong ones #lmao but um it worked out anyway. allegedly. #also try out color/hue jitter on a brush and overlay it. it kind if adds like.. noise to the colors i guess #you can see it on the sky the best. on the fence about it but yknow why not try

[rainylana]

“Don’t cry.”

Eddie Munson x female reader

summary: a spa session with your new boyfriend turns out to be both of your breaking points.

requested by anonymous! i hope you like it and that I did it justice! i kind of took it and ran. i made it much more deep than i initially planned, so i hope you like it!

warnings: talk of sexual abuse and rape, with both eddie and reader, angst and tears, language, mentions of drug dealing and absent parents. reader is struggling to connect with eddie and he doesn’t know why, kinda leaves in a cliffhanger??

Sometimes Eddie wondered if you liked him, because half the time it didn’t seem like you did. You’d become stand-offish, quiet, shrink in on yourself. His “Are you okay?” was always met with an “I’m fine.” and nothing more. It always seemed like you were protecting yourself. Not just from him, but from everyone. You loved his friends, but sometimes they scared you. You never knew who to trust. Would one of them hurt you, given the chance?

One thing was for sure though, you loved Wayne. He was like the father you never had growing up. From the way he talked, looked, his personality, it reminded you of a father. Eddie was extremely lucky to grow up with him while he did.

Eddie wasn’t stupid, however, he knew some of your behavior had to do with your upbringing. You’d shared some of it with him before, time and time again, here and there. You’d grown up pretty similarly to him. Dead beat parents that abused you, surrounded by their friends who eyed you like a piece of meat for them to chew on. When you grow up like that, you’re bound to be a little messed up. Eddie understood that. He was the same way.

But with you, it was different. He didn’t want you to feel that way around him. The relationship hadn’t been going on for that long and was still fairly fresh, but he wanted you to trust him. And even dating might have been a stretch, you were just very good friends who weren’t very good friends with anyone else.

You liked Eddie, maybe even loved him, but there was no lying when it came to the fact you were struggling to connect with him. Could you really trust him? Was he just like the men from your childhood? Would he fuck you and ultimately leave once he got his full satisfaction? You’d cried yourself to sleep many of times during the night at the thought.

Sometimes you didn’t feel safe. Not with him, not with his friends. You only ever felt truly safe with Wayne. You didn’t know why. You hated the way you felt. Eddie was a good man. He was good to you. He had yet to do anything that proved otherwise. But the dark corners of your mind lingered closer and closer to the edge, reminding you of what once was your reality on the daily. You hoped this time it was different.

“I like this color on you.” Eddie’s tongue was stuck out in concentration, one hand holding your foot, the other holding the brush of the pink nail polish bottle. “It’s cute.”

“Pink?” You smirked. “You like pink?”

“On you.” His lashes fluttered up to you briefly.

The gesture was cute, but anytime he did something sweet like this you couldn’t help but think if he was luring you into a trap. Your stomach was littered with jitters and nerves. Day by day your anxiety was staring to become more out of control. You thought about ending things with him. It wasn’t fair to him to not give the relationship your all, but you couldn’t bring yourself to do it. You’d miss him dearly.

“Well, thanks.” You smiled softly. “I don’t like painting them by myself. The angle is too hard.”

He muttered a Mhm with his tongue out, blowing on your little toe so the pain would dry. “I used to paint my nails black when I was a teenager.” He said.

“Really?” You said amusedly. “Why’d you stop?”

“Got out of the habit, I guess.” He dipped the brush back in the bottle. “Plus, not that I cared, but kids at school were givin’ me shit about it.”

You knew Eddie had the same childhood you did, in some sense anyways. Eddie wouldn’t talk about it much, especially never about his mother. But his dad was something you knew struck a nerve. You should share your traumas together, that’s what you always told yourself. You knew you both could relate to one another, but the relationship was still too fresh. Maybe neither was ready for that.

“Want me to do your fingers?” Eddie asked, blowing on your last toe as he finished up his fine work. “I gotta say, babe, I did pretty good.”

You flexed your freshly painted toes and grinned at his work. “You did! Thank you.”

He put the bottle on the table and plopped down beside you on the couch, wrapping an arm around your shoulder. “So what now? What’s next on the spa list?” He smirked and you did the same, laughing breathily.

“I won’t make you succumb to all my girly stuff.” You laughed. “Anything I can do for you? Your hair looks like it needs brushed a little.”

“What?” He gave you an incredulous look. “I keep my hair very much maintained, thank you.”

“I didn’t say you didn’t, Eddie.” You rolled your eyes. “All I said was it needed brushed a little.”

You hopped up and got your plastic hairbrush from the bathroom, pointing at him with it when you returned. “Your turn to be pampered. Sit on the floor.”

He shook his head amusedly and sat down where you had, your legs falling at the sides of his shoulders as you gently began combing out his curls. He didn’t mean to, but he sighed in content.

“Feel good?” You gave a shit eating grin.

“You’re a-lot gentler than Wayne used to be.” He relaxed under your touch. “He always pulled at my hair and got it more ratted up than it already was. This feels good.”

You smiled at the mention of Wayne. “Well, I’ve got a woman’s touch, honey.”

“Yes, you do.”

It was quiet and peaceful for a while as you brushed his hair, the both of you content in the silence. When he touched your ankle, caressing it, your heart began to pound. You hadn’t had sex with him yet. You were too scared to. You knew it was time, it had been almost two months and you knew Eddie had long since been ready to sleep with you.

It wasn’t that you didn’t want to. You did. You fantasized about him just as much as he did you, but you were terrified of him leaving once you finally crossed that line. Out of instinct, you brought your legs up to you, sitting criss-cross like he was.

You heard him sigh and your stomach ached with guilt. You should give him what he wants.

“I’m sorry.” You say guiltily.

“You never let me touch you.” Eddie said flatly, staring at the ground as you continued to brush his hair. “And you won’t tell me why.”

Your eyes teared up and you stopped brushing, bringing it down to your lap. “I’m sorry.”

“That’s all you say.” He shook his head. “You don’t need to be sorry. You just need to tell me why I scare you so bad.”

“You don’t.” You denied, trying your hardest to convince him. When he said things like this, you felt foolish for thinking the way that you did. “It’s just- it’s- it’s just me.”

Eddie turned around, looking up at you to find you with tears in your face. “If it wasn’t true you wouldn’t be crying. Don’t I deserve the truth, Y/n? Have I don’t anything at all to make you scared of me?”

“No.” You sniffled, getting off the couch to go into the kitchen of his trailer. “You haven’t.”

Eddie watched you, becoming more and more anxious by the second. He sat there, waiting for his answer, anything but no. “Do you want to break up?”

“No!” You cried, shaking your head wildly. “No, that’s not what I want.”

“You don’t even like me, Y/n.” He scoffed to himself, closing in, becoming cold and shutting down. Something he hadn’t done in a long time. “You won’t open up to me. I can barely touch you. You look like you’re disgusted to be around me.”

“That’s not true!” You snapped, taking a step toward him. “Stop saying shit like that!”

“Then you say something for a change!” He argued back, not moving from his spot on the floor.

“But it’s so stupid!” You shook your head. “It’s ridiculous!”

He gave you a look. He was waiting and he wouldn’t back out this time. Either that, or he was going to break up with you. The thought made you want to vomit. Maybe you did care more deeply for him than you were letting on.

“We don’t talk about what happened when we were kids,” You sighed through tears, voice breaking. “We’re..both the same, but we don’t talk about it.”

Eddie’s eyes narrowed as you began, wondering after all, if he wanted to hear where you were going with this.

“Mom wasn’t around, so that left dad and his friends.” You stared at him, being as open and honest as you could now. There was no beating around the bush with this. “I…Jesus,” You shook your head, running a hand through your hair. “I didn’t know that it wasn’t normal at the time, but they’d…they’d use me.” You took a deep breath after the last word. No stopping now.

“They would play poker, touch me, rape me.” You weren’t crying anymore, talking mostly to yourself now at this point. “And I know you would never do that to me, Eddie, but sometimes I’m so afraid of it happening again and I just shut down.” You closed your eyes. “You touch me and I’m so afraid you’ll abandon me once we sleep together. That’s all anyone has ever done in my life.”

“Fuck me, then leave.” You sniffled. “That’s all they ever do.”

Eddie’s eyes were drooping, slightly narrowed and brows furrowed. He shook his head softly, you almost missed it, and you knew you’d made him at a loss for words.

He looked up to you briefly, licking his lips before he spoke. “There was this one guy my dad would deal for,” He began. “He was a big dude, almost seven foot. I was only thirteen. But dad would bring him into the house and he…would look at me. Just watch me wherever I went.” He stared at his hands, not daring to look at you.

“I think he payed dad.” His voice broke, but he refused to let any tears fall. “Because I screamed and screamed and he wouldn’t come.”

You let out an audibly gasp and covered your mask, your heart falling to the floor with a splat.

“Oh, god, Eddie,” You crawled to the floor and knelt beside him.

“It’s okay.” He stopped your apologies. “I didn’t tell you for you to be sorry for me. I told you because you need to know you’re not alone, and not everyone is out to get you. You’re safe with me. I want you to believe that.”

You let out a wet sob, tears rolling down your red face. “How do I stop being scared? I want to be with you.”

He smiled softly, a finger swiping at a tear. “We have all the time in the world for that, angel.”

You grabbed his arm and laid your head against his shoulder, sobbing like a broken child.

“Oh, baby,” He kissed your forehead. “Don’t cry.”

It would be a long road to recovery, but you could both do it together. Slowly, every day you would both open up to each other about what you went through, and day by day, it would get easier.

#eddie munson #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson x female reader #eddie munson x y/n #eddie munson fanfic #eddie munson angst #requests #stranger things #stranger things season four #joseph quinn #eddie munson imagines #eddie munson headcanons #eddie munson fluff #eddie munson blurb

[the-ria]

Picture day 📸

First of all, I'm Not Okay will forever be my favorite mv to draw and secondly, this was a fun piece to work on because I tested two new things! I tried a new way to pick colors for a coherent color palette AND used this fun color jitter brush to give a bit more texture to the flat colors >:)

#art #mcr #my chemical romance #i'm not okay

[daisyvisions]

2 55 133 witg eric i promise its the last one have fuunnn

(A/N: hi! I altered the 133 to make it shorter hope you don't mind! Also, HBD ERIC! This one's for you puppy boy 😘)

...Surprise?

Member & Prompts: Eric Sohn (TBZ) + 2. "“I’m not sharing you with anybody. You’re mine, and mine only, and I’m going to make you remember that.”, 55. “Only I get to touch you like this, okay?”, & 133. “Then come for me”

Warnings: Smut (18+, minors DNI), brutal fingering, nipple sucking, pet name used (sweetheart).

‧⋆ ✧˚₊‧⋆. ✧˚₊‧⋆‧‧⋆ ✧˚₊‧⋆. ✧˚₊‧⋆‧‧⋆ ✧˚₊‧⋆.

12:22 AM

You were nervously shaking, biting your nails, pacing back and forth in Eric’s room.

You had snuck in hours before to set up a bunch of birthday balloons around his room and wait til he came home so you could show him the surprise you had hidden beneath your coat. What could it possibly be?

You’ve been best friends for as long as you could remember, practically knowing each other like the back of your hand, knowing all the favorite things each of you liked down to the dirtiest of secrets.

You’ve been planning to make this birthday one of the best ones yet. You always knew how to surprise him and always made it a point to one up yourself each time.

However, this year’s surprise would be different. You had to think of a gift that was so good no one could ever top it off. It would be the gift that would go down in history! So… what kind of gift DID you plan?

“I’M HOME!” You hear Eric shouting from outside the room and quickly ran to his bed, sitting at the edge to wait for him to enter.

While he was removing his shoes, Eric had noticed a pair of shoes that seemed unfamiliar to him, but brushed it off and headed straight for his room. As he turned the knob and opened the door,

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY ERIC!” You shout.

He was completely caught off guard. His room decorated from head to toe with balloons and streamers, music playing in the background, and you sitting on his bed. He quickly ran towards you and gave you a nice warm bear hug.

“Oh my god! Wha- how did you get here?!” he exclaims, having the brightest smile spread across his face.

“I asked one of the guys for an extra key of course! You think I would forget to surprise you?” You smile back.

“Aw thank you so much y/n! You’re the best!” He leans to give you another firm hug. You watch his eyes scan the room as he pulls away from you.

“Soo…”

“Sooo?” You mimic his tone.

“Where’s my gift?” He questions, his body jittering as if he’s had too much coffee to drink.

Right, you almost forgot the very reason why you’re here.

“Oh! Uh, it’s here.” you point at your coat.

“You got me a coat?”

“No! I mean, it’s under my coat.” you start to mumble. He tilts his head in confusion at first, but goes back to being excited.

“Well… don't just stand there. Show it to me!” he grabs your hands while jumping up and down.

“Uh…” you nervously reply.

“Is it a game? Money? a new part for my PC?” He rambles.

“No none of that!” You let out a big huff before continuing. “Okay… Close your eyes first.” He does as he’s told.

Your fingers start untying the coat that’s been covering you, making it drop to the floor. Here goes nothing… 

“Okay, open.”

“I wonder wha-” His eyes pop out at the view in front of him.

You’re wearing nothing but 2-piece laced lingerie set in his favorite color, fabric barely leaving anything to the imagination.

Eric doesn't respond for a while, looking like a deer caught in the headlights. His eyes scan your body very slowly, unable to utter out any word.

His cock twitches the more he keeps to memory every curve and area of your skin he’s never seen before.

“Happy… birthday?” you awkwardly say.

Still no words from Eric, practically frozen in his spot. You try to wave your hand in front of his face.

“Uh, Eric? Hello? Earth to Eric? It’s not like you’ve never seen a woman’s body before” you start to worry.

“I- I don't understand…” Ah, he speaks!

“It’s me Eric, I’m the gift…” He’s gone back to staring at you, making feel regret slowly seeping in your veins.

“Oh no, you don't like it…”

“No! No!” He instantly says. “I love it. It’s just that…” his eyes travel to your tits, the fabric of the bra barely covering your nipples with the see-through garment. His cock twitches again at the sight. “… I w-wasn’t expecting this at all…”

Time seems to go painfully slower the more he keeps staring. You let out a sigh before walking towards him, holding his chin with your fingers as your bodies are nearly pressing against each other. His strained cock beneath his sweatpants just a feather away from poking your core.

“Let’s just make this simple. You can do whatever the hell you want with me birthday boy....How does that sound?” You whisper into his mouth.

It doesn’t take a second for him to crash his lips onto yours and push you back onto his bed. He quickly removes his shirt, exposing his godly tan and sculpted abs.

He knees your legs apart, filling the space in-between with his body caging you. Eric starts peppering your face with warm kisses, and gives you a deep kiss on your lips.

His mouth starts traveling down your neck all the way to the valley of your breasts while his hips start grinding onto yours, feeling how rock hard he is beneath his sweatpants.

Your bra is quickly pulled down by his hands, exposing your breasts to the cold air. Just like a magnet, his mouth immediately latches onto your nipple, flicking and sucking the bud between his lips.

His hands start roaming down to your panties, gripping the sides tight. You suddenly hear the garter of your panties snap from Eric ripping the fabric apart, his feral mode making you whimper.

Without warning, his two fingers swipe the slick between your wet folds and inserts inside your aching entrance.

He doesn’t even wait anymore at this point. His fingers start curling inside you, moving at an ungodly pace making your hips jolt up.

“Eric-” you moan out his name. His mouth releases your nipple with a pop and goes back to kissing you feverishly.

“Only I get to touch you like this, okay?” He whispers against your mouth. You nod furiously at his confession.

He inserts a 3rd finger inside you, pumping them in and out of you like there’s no tomorrow. The sudden stretch and pacing makes you squirm, trying to cling onto the sheets of his bed.

“Oh fuck- shit- Eric!” you whine, feeling your eyes fluttering shut from the sensation.

“I’m not sharing you with anybody. You’re mine, and mine only, and I’m going to make you remember that.”

His deep voice ringing against your ear, sending electric waves to your core.

The squelching sounds of your pussy echoing the room alongside your wanton moans sound like they're straight out of a porn.

With his fingers relentlessly pumping in and out of you and his thumb circling your clit vigorously, you feel a coil twist inside you. Your climax right around the corner.

“E-eric, shit- I’m gonna cum” you cry out.

“Then come for me.”

And just like a press of a button, you release your gushing fluids onto his hand, some of it rolling down your ass and seeping through his sheets.

You try to catch your breath, tearing up from how good everything felt.

“Damn, you really made a mess here.” Eric looks down at his sheets while sucking the remaining juices off his fingers.

You try to slowly get up from your position, but Eric immediately pushes you back down and flips you over on your stomach.

His body cages you and he lowers himself, grinding his erection between your ass while grabbing a fistful of your hair. He gently pulls it enough to whisper in your ear,

“Don’t think this is over sweetheart, because I’m not yet done playing with my gift.”

#eric sohn #eric sohn smut #the boyz smut #the boyz hard hours #tbz scenarios #the boyz fic #the boyz fanfic #tbz drabbles #tbz smut #the boyz scenarios #kpop smut #eric sohn scenarios

[sqwdkllr]

would you be willing to share how you do your lineart / coloring / rendering with the specific brushes?? i have a learning disability, and have trouble finding any art tutorials that give in depth explanations to what brushes they use for a specific outcome. anything can help, thank you! - 🥬

Long post time. 🍴

okay so most, if not ALL, of the tricks are hidden in the way i color and organize myself (more like lack of as you will see in the image above) the brush i have been using currently is called the flat brush, and is not a custom brush, just add like 50 percent stabilization to it and 0% jitter and its the same as mine ! promise !! after you do your flat colors you might think "huh my colors look a bit too dull but i wanted them to give a warmer tone" WELL I HAVE THE MOST AMAZING TOOL THAT PROCREATE HAS TO OFFER. The little wand at the top next to the wrench, click that and go to curves. make sure you are on the layer where all your duplicate flat colors + lineart are and mess around it. I always do this to make my colors fit what im trying to go for. super super useful !!

as for the brushes, i only tend to stick to 1 for an entire drawing but here is a list in the ways i find them more useful in just in case The brushes (all are default with only stabilization changes) - Mercury brush: quick easy way to color pick and render, texture of pastel sticks - Syrup brush: crisp lineart super clean and high sensitivity to pen pressure, texture of pixels very digital - Dry Ink: sketch and loose drawings, texture of a crayon - Flat Brush: lineart and color blending and an all around multiple use brush - Soft Brush: i only really use this to get gradients occasionally

OKAY LAST THING !! Make your canvas BIG. I make mine very very big, here are a few of the examples of the kinds of canvas sizes I use, trust me it DOES make a difference on the brushes and just in general. (Ignore the paper + face paint one I never use those lol)

OKAY SUPER LONG POST BUT I HOPE THIS HELPS SORRY IF THIS IS STILL CONFUSING

#long post #ask #anon #faq

[elviraaxen]

Hiii! I saw that you use procreate and I wanted to ask what brushes you use if you're okay with sharing that! Are they custom?

Helluu! I mostly use the HB pencil and the Derwent brush! I always modify brushes a little because I need some stabilizer and color jitter, but they're not too dissimilar to the default 👍

#asks

[dyrewrites]

Find the word tag

Okay, so three of you tagged me...and I am doing them all at once.

@snapdragons-sunshine is here @tabswrites is here and @kaylinalexanderbooks is here -- go check out their answers.

I am tagging @abalonetea and @rmgrey-author (I will make you write, sisser, just watch me) and YOU

Your words are: coffee, clouds, sate and fall

--

My words are: strange, red, fish, flower, one, hand, fire, bruise, ground, copy, thought and bottom

->under the cut, because come on that's a lot<-

strange

“Yours, am I?” The kiss also surprised, widening those silvery eyes before he sunk into it with me, and any worries I held for those unusual teeth melted in the strange, cool warmth of his tongue.

red

Too quick he was beside me, ignoring my question and testing the waistcoat’s color against my hair, my skin, my eyes, “Mm, whoever purchased these knew you well, this red matches your eyes beautifully...especially with this gold in the border.” “I did, and my eyes are not red,” I tried for a kiss, to distract, to slap those suffocating things out of his arms. All it earned me was a wider smile, “No, they are a delicious shade of brown, but the red enhances them, and the gold matches those lovely little flecks dancing about their edges,” I did get a kiss then, on my cheek as he shoved the clothes at me, “Now put these on, I put your garters on the desk, I need to find the brush...”

fish

I laughed, though the look on his face told me I shouldn’t have, “Amore mio, this is not calm. This is broken. You are speaking to a broken man,” he tried to kiss me, slipping in his hold before kicking and scrabbling at my shoulders to remain afloat, but I couldn’t find the smile that ought to have garnered. Something kept tickling my bare feet, with peculiar skin that felt too much like rock to be a fish and I had no desire to find out what it was, “a broken man who’d like to flee from whatever is under us.”

flower

That was where I lay when I heard the scream, shorter and higher pitched than any sound I’d heard from Lucient before. He stood at the base of the hidden stairway not a second after, eyes wide, tracing the path of flowers. But he said nothing, only staring, even as his eyes landed on me. Removing the rose, I asked his stunned silence, “Is this not what you asked for, my love?” The sound he made was more a squeak than an answer—though he did manage a bit of a glare—so I tried a different approach, “how about you take all of those stuffy layers off and join me in this bed.”

one

“Well, no more of that,” he announced, grabbing my beard—ruining the uniform shape he’d brushed it into—and shook my chin, “We must pretend to be shipmates.” “Shipmates regularly grab each other’s faces?” I teased, swallowing the loving epithet on my tongue. “You tell me,” He snipped and when halfway out of the cabin, he laughed and called back, “You’re the one who has all that experience with sailors.” Laughing with him, though hollow and short, I took care to grab the parasol he’d forgotten and caught up in time to save him from more than a bit of smoking skin.

hand

Falling to his cool lips, I tried to remember what started the argument, “So you’re not...upset about letting the crew watch the ship?” “They did so already, didn’t they?” shoving me firm against the mast, he set his parasol to rest on his shoulder and began unbuttoning my waistcoat, smiling with my hand caressing his cheek. When enough were loose, he slid his fingers under my shirt. Gasping, together, with the touch—even through gloves his cool was too sweet—he waited till our eyes met before saying more, “And, just as you are mine, so is the Lune Royale. It cannot set sail without me on board.”

fire

His eyes jittered, widened and he jumped on me, smearing more of what drenched me with all his eager kisses, “My brilliant treasure. Sigils, on the stones in the kitchen. It's ever-burning fire if you say it right.” “I'll fetch, you stay,” looking at the broken mess of bone and meat—poking from the cage I’d stuffed them so tight, yet still they giggled—I added, “right here.” He nodded as he slid away and I rushed to find the stones.

bruise

“Good,” he said, kissing me too quickly before sighing and looking up at the bruise of sky above the dropped sails. With his head held so high, it was too tempting not to kiss the neck he exposed. And he swooned at my touch, giggling with my playful rub of beard on his skin. “You certainly aren’t behaving like a terrified man,” he told the smile I couldn’t wipe away. “Oh, but I am,” I told him—truthful it was, if muddied by his closeness—and lifting him to rest on my hips, savoring that sweet yelp, I added, “I am in absolute awe of you, mon amour.”

ground

With brush in hand, he tended to my hair, “You are faster than you know, but you hardly use it, are you afraid to do things quickly?” Chuckling, I tried to fuss with my beard—difficult with mirrors that refuse to show your face—and managed to steal a kiss as he stepped back to check his work. “Afraid of falling into things, or breaking things,” I admitted, “but at present it is more the hunger that slows me, my love.” “Well, there’s always Sebastian,” his emphasis ground with a deeper, whining tone, and as I laughed he set the brush down and draped his arms over my shoulders, sighing, “But as he has proven useful, we should find someone else.”

thought

If you, dear reader, are confused by the thought of games or rules, or anything Lucient may or may not have been obeying...you are not alone. He never shared anything of them prior to that trip, never even explained which he’d broken that attracted the ire of the Council. Or, and this is paramount for the remainder of our tale, who the Council was—is, rather, they are still about in one form or another. And, in the interest of sharing my utter confusion and slow realizations with you, I’ll be keeping those secrets until such time as I asked of them. Which was not then.

bottom

Laughter, deep and stuttered answered first, “Yes, Captain, our ever-eager crewman has graduated from providing lavish accommodations to gifts of custom clothing,” all mirth died with what followed, though his teeth gleamed in his grin, “Aren’t you delighted?” “No,” I clipped, “and I’m concerned as to why you are.” Fully clothed, the ice of him yet cooled as he draped his arms over me, kissing my neck and cheeks before speaking to my smile, “They’re lovely outfits, treasure, matched so beautifully,” teasing my bottom lip with those sharp teeth of his, he ruffled my hair and added, “and one never turns down free.” “Oh, but my love,” I caught him as he turned, spinning him back around to return the kisses, “gifts as grand as these are never free.”

#writeblr #snippet #before deluca #tag games #open tag #find the word #oh god that was so many i am so sorry

[jakkenpoy]

What program/brushes do you use?

Hello, anon! I use Krita, a desktop program that is completely free ✨ (The current version I am using is 5). I switched to Krita from CSP because I found painting there to be easier.

As for brushes, apart from the standard flat brush and eraser tool, I use these two that come with Krita by default:

I generally use Pencil-2 for sketching, line art, and details and Dry Bristles for painting and laying down flat colors, but I do use them interchangeably. Pencil-2 does not blend and Dry Bristles blends only a little.

The following is an explanation of how I draw with them, because technique and process also influence my style as much as the brushes do. I felt that that kind of information is more useful in case anyone wanted to try drawing like I do!

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My main painting technique is to layer and blend colors using Dry Bristles and draw in details with Pencil-2. I also tend to use only one layer (after merging the sketch/line art with flat colors) or anywhere between 2 to 4 layers, in which I have separate layers for sketch/line art and flat color and one or two layers on top to add details and draw over the errors. In the latter I usually focus on corrections in the detail layers instead of switching back and forth to fix the lines and flats (unless I needed to erase something outside of the lines). With this relaxed drawing process I am able to create some of my favorite pieces that are featured below:

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Here I used Dry Bristles for the flat colors and Pencil-2 to scribble in some details. The blush on the face was also painted using Dry Bristles with light pressure.

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For these ones I use the same brushes but with the color jitter effect applied (here is a tutorial on how to do that). I like using color jitter because it gives this more analogue (traditional) feel, like drawing with dry medium. The unpredictability of the colors is a bit hard to get used to at first but you learn to work with it! When I am happy with the colors I will switch back to plain Pencil-2 (w/o the jitter) to add details, along with the eyedropper tool to blend and "even out" the jittered colors for a better effect.

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For this one I used both Dry Bristles and Pencil-2 to blend colors into each other. You can better see where and how I did it in these close-ups:

The way I blend here is like using a colored pencil.

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Sometimes my lines are crisp, sometimes my lines are sketchy. In most cases I use a "painting" method to draw lines, which is to say I draw a line and then I erase/paint on top of it to get the desired look and weight (like cleaning up a sketch), instead of following an "inking" method (where you draw the line art as it is before coloring). I really just approach it as if I'm painting with acrylics!

I hope this explanation is okay! Let me know if you need more clarity on some parts ^^

#brushes #i would record a video of my process so i can show it better but it's difficult to do it in krita #csp is a lot better for recording but i still have yet to find brushes that closely replicate my favorite krita brushes #someday! someday #jakkenpoy answers

[macchitea]

Is it okay if I ask what csp brushes you use? Feel free to ignore! 👍

HI THERE!!! :D

im pretty new to csp so i'm experimenting with different brushes a lot, but these are the main ones i use! (some of them are actually just my attempts at recreating paint tool sai brushes haha)

this is my sketch brush! its just a simple brush i made with the spraying effect lol; i mostly use this for rough sketching/thumbnailing (but i usually end up using it for the lineart anyways because im lazy ;v;;)

this is my doodle brush!! its a modified pencil brush that basically just reverses the brush size pressure settings, i also made the brush size and opacity pretty constant, most of the opacity change you see is thanks to texture density!

the goal with this brush is to help me practice line confidence and unlearn my tendency to ctrl+z too much haha;;

OK TIME FOR MY COLORING BRUSHES <3

i use this for general coloring and filling in flats, it has a soft, nice texture on low pen pressure and is very fun and versatile!!

i got it from here!

this is the one i used for the magolor and elfilis art! it's this brush with the color jitter settings turned on! i don't use this one a lot but its VERY FUN to mess around with

OKOK this one's my baby from paint tool sai <3; ive been using it since 2018 and i spent SO LONG trying to re-make it in CSP ;O;;

i usually use it towards the end of my coloring process to add some texture!!

#WOOO and thats all the ones i usually use!!!!! #there are some others like tone and texture brushes but they're pretty easy to find i think! #feel free to dm if if you'd like the links to those! #some of these i can't provide the links for unfortunately;;;; #either because i can't find the original link or bcuz the brush uses materials/textures made by someone else #i might post the flat paint brush if i figure out how to upload it to CSP assets #if i do ill update this post!! #tednoises

[ssum-thinginthewayshemoves]

Okay

1. How do you get that colorful effect in ur lil doodles i love it

2. Thoughts on the new boy? Also check reddit for his voice sneak peeks 😳

1. Oooh, excellent question! I learned how to do this from tumblr user buggachat, she explained how to do it in CSP here

This got a bit long so I’ll put it under a cut

I use Procreate, but the principal is basically the same, I messed around with the color setting for a brush I liked under Stroke Color Jitter- this makes it so every time you lift the pen and put it back down the next stroke will be different from the last one. Keeping the percentages lower will make sure they stay within the same color family as your selected color, while increasing them (especially Hue) will give you a lot more variety, depending on what you’re looking for. There’s also settings for “stamp color jitter” which I believe makes the color vary within each individual brush stroke as well, I’ve never tried it in a pencil brush like this

Here’s the settings I use btw, it’s just a default procreate pencil brush with only these settings changed

It’s a really fun effect, and it’s also helpful if you decide you want to clean up a sketch for lineart instead of doing a whole new layer by separating out the individual brush stokes

2. Oooh, I didn’t know someone found the voice clips, thank you for the tip!

Thoughts on the new boy (95% sure his name is June/준 since there are a few pictures where they didn’t delete his name on the website but I Am Often Wrong) I’m intrigued but I’m also… how to put this… scared?

Between what looks like fluffy blonde hair, the high, youthful voice, and the cutesy lullaby-sounding theme song, I’m getting very Innocent/Childish vibes. And for some reason that’s setting off my yandere alarm bells lol.

After what happened with Harry, I’m hesitant to make any bets on whether or not this is an Established Character. That said, if I had to guess I’d say he’s most likely Angel. The vibes do seem very classically angelic, as well, so if that ends up being the case I won’t be surprised.

SERIOUSLY WHO IS THIS BOY, TELL ME YOUR SECRETS

Still, I’m excited regardless of who this guy turns out to be! It’s a new person to talk to! A chance for more lore, to expand on the world we’ve been shown so far! God I want them to update Teo so bad tho please Cheritz

#cluelessweeb #ssum-BODY once asked can you spare some change for gas #thank you for the ask! #I’d love to hear your thoughts as well

[dispatchwithlove]

I saw your prompts list, so I'm hoping this is the right way to ask (I am TERRIBLE at Tumblr). I'd love to see you do "Kissing tears from the other’s face." please and thank you!

First, I am so incredibly sorry this took almost a year to answer 🤦‍♀️ It was a tough year! But I finally got something together for this. Thank you so much for the ask! It gave me the perfect opportunity to write a little glimpse into Jane and Garrus's future 😊

He was perfect. Delicate charcoal plates, bright green eyes, and the tiniest little hands with fingers so precious Jane could nibble on them for hours. 

Cradling him in her arms, close to her chest because Garrus was still putting the Cowl Creator together, she lifted her hand to her mouth. Wrapped around her index finger were two fingers, too small to be real, talons freshly trimmed so he couldn't hurt himself. Or her. 

She placed his two perfect fingers between her lips and nommed on them, struggling to keep nibbling through her giant smile. Sweet little chirps filled the air, a melody to her ears and he was a sight of joy — mandibles only as big as her fingers jittering wildly, his eyes locked on hers full of surprise and glee. Her heart was so full she thought it might just burst. 

He was perfect, their baby.

Sweet little Nicotus. 

“There, I think I got it,” Garrus said walking into their bedroom with the Cowl Creator in hand. “Just made a few modifications and I trust this thing a lot more. Shouldn't rub on your shoulders anymore either.”

As soon as Garrus walked in the room and laid eyes on Niccy, a deep, sweet purr started. Similar to the one that sounded for Jane, but this one was, well, it was somehow paternal, even to Jane’s human ears. It made her fall in love all over again. 

“Thank you, amar,” Jane said.

“How’s he doing?” Garrus said, tossing the Cowl Creator on the bed and placing his very large hand atop Niccy’s perfect little head. Niccy’s whole body fit in Garrus’s hand, talon tip to wrist. 

“Perfect,” Jane murmured, so softly it was nearly a song. “He’s perfect.”

“Wait till he’s screeching at 2am.” 

As if he understood, Niccy’s eyes flashed to Garrus and he kicked out his legs with a ripply giggle. 

Jane brushed Niccy’s cheek with a hooked knuckle. “I don't think I'll be able to sleep so I don't mind. Baby turians sound kind of like meowing cats, anyhow. It’s adorable.”

“Very insistent meowing cats. Like a raptor and a cat had a baby.” Garrus patted his head gently, then reached up and brushed Jane’s cheek with his knuckle, just like she’d brushed Niccy’s. “His eyes are just as beautiful as yours. Same color. I didn’t want to say that before we got him home, just in case something fell through, but,” Garrus sighed, contended. “His eyes remind me of yours.” 

Tears welled up and spilled without warning, trailing down her cheeks. The softness turning in Garrus’s eyes at the sight of her tears made her lip tremble. She couldn’t even wipe them away with Niccy in her arms, so they just fell. Until Garrus reached up and wiped them away with his thumb. 

“Hey saccha, honey, come here,” he said. 

“Dammit, I didn't want to cry.”

“I've been keening all day, amar. It’s okay.”

“I know but you’re the crier, not me.”

“True,” he said with a soft smile.  

Niccy yawned, rubbing his nose with his tiny little balled up fist. The tears just wouldn't stop, though, so Garrus took Niccy from her arms, gently, carefully, with love, tucking Niccy into his cowl. As she wiped at her cheeks Garrus took her into his warm, strong arms and cuddled her at his keel. Jane was just as snug as Niccy. 

Jane sniffled and Garrus took her chin in his hand, leaning down to nuzzle his nose against hers. 

“I’m just so happy, honey,” Jane said. “It hurts my heart I’m so happy.” Her tight throat burned and the tears kept trickling down.

“Me too,” Garrus said, pressing his lips to her forehead to leave a sweet kiss. 

“I knew finally having him home with us would—” She sniffled again, so hard that her chest shuddered and she almost hiccuped. . 

“Come here.” Garrus’s arms held her even tighter, the pressure making her feel secure, like that moment would never end and they’d always be that happy. He pressed his lips to her tear soaked cheek, kissing them away with such tender love that they stopped. “I love you,” he told her. Moving to her other cheek, he kissed those tears away as well. 

When she smiled her chest lifted with a happy breath, and her lip stopped trembling. “I love you too. So much.”

A little nasly peep came from Niccy. Curled within Garrus’s cowl, his eyes were closed, tiny little mouth parted just slightly. 

“Was that a little snore?” Jane asked.

Garrus looked down into his cowl and smiled. “Yeah, he’s asleep.” 

Jane’s palm slapped to her mouth, the trembling lip taking back over. “He’s so perfect,” she said. And the tears started all over. 

#ask prompt #kissing prompt #shakarian #garrus x shepard #i love nicotus 🥺 #jane and garrus are parents 🥺 #the cases of shepard and vakarian #parenthood fic

[screechthemighty]

Here’s another short for you’re the song i sing again and again! I have pretty concrete ideas for the last two shorts, so hopefully you guys will be seeing that soon (though I’m participating in a prompt week for an unrelated ship so...no promises). Link to the AO3 version will be in a reblog!

vii.

Prompts: eating from each other’s plates / handing the other one a hot cup of tea, their hands touching for a moment

“I like how you three cleaned up the place.”

“Oh, no, that was all Jake.” Marc kept moving around the kitchen as he spoke. “All he told me was that he had some cleanup to do, so you can imagine my surprise when I fronted to a clean apartment and no dead bodies.” He looked up towards her long enough to smile. “He said it’s your welcome home present.”

Home. It had been that for the boys for a while now, but now it was hers, too. They could’ve moved back into her and Marc’s old place, but honestly, most of the memories there were…difficult. Besides that, it’d be cruel of her to drag Jake out of one of the only places she knew he felt safe, and there was no way in hell they’d be able to fit all of Steven’s books. Layla liked it here, anyway. It was cozy…a lot cozier when it wasn’t so dusty.

“I’ll thank him next time I see him. Steven’s not too…?”

“Oh, no, we already planned everything out. Steven’s…not-system has remained intact.” He emerged from the kitchen with a mug in each hand and a slight smile on his face. It didn’t look like it was directed at her–Steven probably had a thing or two to say about Marc making fun of his organizational habits. “The actual cleaning was supposed to be a group effort. Steven says hi, by the way.”

“Hi, Steven.” Layla took the mug from him, their hands briefly brushing as she did. His fingers were still warm from the radiant heat of the tea. “Did that plan include things that…weren’t cleaning?”

“Yeah, of course.” Marc stopped to give her a quick kiss on the cheek before putting his mug down and going back to the kitchen. “Everyone’s still good, nothing new to add.”

Of course they were. Layla had a feeling she would’ve heard from one of them directly if there were any concerns. It was just…

It was her place now, too, but it had been Steven’s first. Then Steven’s and Marc’s. Then Steven’s and Marc’s and Jake’s. She knew they had worked hard to get a good equilibrium. The signs were all over the apartment: the individual shelves, the many communal notebooks they’d filled, the dry erase calendar on the fridge and its color-coded markers. She was something new thrown into the mix. Even knowing that this had been discussed and planned couldn’t stop her from feeling a bit like an interloper.

“Hey.”

Marc was back, a plate in each hand. They’d gotten pastries from a bakery nearby, brunch to celebrate her moving in. He set them down at the table before sitting next to her. “We want you here,” he said carefully. “All three of us. As long as you want to be here.” He rested his forehead against hers. “Okay?”

“Okay.” Layla closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “I know. I do. I just think I’ve got the jitters.”

“No, I know what you mean.” Marc leaned back slightly, a relieved look on his face. “You’d think the fact that we did this once would make this easier…”

Layla laughed. “At least the apartment is nicer this time.”

“Shit. I haven’t thought about that place in years.” He laughed, too. “Honestly, anyone could’ve kicked that door down.”

Layla reached out for a pastry. “Well, thank goodness I had you to protect me.”

“Right, because you definitely needed me to protect you.” Marc’s smile grew suspicious and his eyes narrowed. “Hey, now.”

“What?” Layla asked innocently as she took a bite of the pastry.

“You could’ve asked.” There was no bite in his words, even though that was definitely not a pasty from her plate.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Layla said as she put the pastry back.

“I’m just saying…” He had to lean close to reach around for one of hers, taking a bite out of it in retaliation. “...we could’ve just shared the plate.”

“It’s more fun this way. Besides…” She gently took the pastry back. “I don’t know what you expected, marrying a thief.”

“I thought it wasn’t stealing if the other guy stole it first."

"Hmm." The next thing she stole was a kiss. "Good point."

They'd have other breakfasts like this, she realized. Days and nights together again. Not back to normal, but settled into a new one. A better one.

She couldn't wait.

#moon knight #marc x layla #marclayla #moonscarab #jake definitely worded it vaguely to mess with him lmao #fic: you're the song i sing again and again

[ashxllbey]

Starman - Poe Dameron x fem!reader - Chapter 4: Feels Like The First Time

GIF by captain-flint

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

Word count: ±10.8k Warnings: mild language, alcohol consumption.

The following morning came too fast, but at the same time, not fast enough. Y/N woke up the second her datapad beeped, showing the time. Time to go, start the day.

Meet her new team, and jump into action.

She got dressed quickly, putting on a clean jumpsuit —they had delivered lots of those to her room while she worked on her ship— and a clean, white t-shirt. They smelled faintly of lemon and soap. Such a minute detail, but it made her feel welcomed. The chemical smell of the industrially washed First Order uniform was long gone. This would end up smelling like home; she had no doubt about it.

Even though they probably didn't realize it or did it on purpose, the member of the Resistance — as Y/N would forever call them even though they weren't at war anymore — acted like one big family. They had meals together, took care of one another, and treated their colleagues as equals and not as rivals. And the smell of the washing machine used to clean the grease off the dirty jumpsuits was a tiny yet vital touch to this home-like feeling. It perfectly embodied the values this group seemed to uphold…

Well. Y/N had spent enough time with her collar pressed against her face. If anyone was to walk in, they would find her sniffing her new clothes. That would be weird.

After tying her hair in two braids, Y/N walked out of her room, commlink strapped to her wrist and sleeves of her orange, shapeless blob of a uniform tied around her waist. She was in an excellent mood, even though she was beyond stressed out about the upcoming meeting. The pilot had slept like a log and was well-rested. She had brushed aside some of her first-day jitters after she had realized the meeting with Poe had happened earlier than expected.

The pilot had no idea if he had done it on purpose to put her at ease, but she was grateful either way.

With a soft smile on her face, she waltzed into the cafeteria. It was packed with groggy people and half-asleep technicians, nodding off over their datapad. Y/N stopped near the entrance, eyeing the room to find-

"DUCKLING! Over here!"

Of course, he had found her first.

A hand shot up from the mass of orange bodies, followed by a bearded face. Some people shot her dark looks as she walked past them, but she decided not to pay attention. She was in too good of a mood. It was her first official day as a pilot! No amount of hate could bring her down.

After slaloming between sleepy workers, she managed to reach Skylen's table. He was sitting with a group of people she didn't know. Some were pilots. Some were clad in the dark suits the mechanics wore. The man shot her a bright smile and patted the empty space beside him.

"Morning, Sleeping Beauty! Ready to kick this day in the ass?"

Y/N chuckled at his colorful language but nodded nonetheless.

"After I eat something and grab a big cup of coffee, yeah."

Skylen protectively wrapped his hand around his own mug.

"Over there, by the counter. The machine's a bit tricky to handle, though. I would show you, but frankly, I don't want to drink mine cold. I'm sure you'll manage."

Well, so much about helping each other out. Y/N grimaced.

"I understand. Save me this seat, okay? By the way, where's Klana?"

"She gets up early to run around the base a bit. She'll join us for the debrief,"  Skylen said. How could she find the strength to jog this early in the morning?! Y/N was barely a functioning human without her daily coffee shot.

Y/N made her way toward the counter, where she found the machine that was, miraculously, unoccupied at the moment. She made a beeline for it and stood in front of it… Only to curse under her breath. How was she supposed to use it?

As she grabbed a mug (that was a wonderful first step), she noticed someone had taped a piece of paper to the wall. In old ink, it read 'Press red button until the machine beeps, then press the green one once.' Y/N smiled. No doubt someone had taken pity on the newcomers a while ago and made the sign. She sent them a thankful mental note and followed the instructions carefully. A few moments later, her coffee was ready. Y/N eagerly picked up the mug, put it on a tray, and walked toward the cook droid.

"Hey! How are you today?"  She asked cheerfully. She didn't know if the robot was programmed to make small talk, but it didn't matter. She would try.

"I am feeling good. Do you want eggs or Nabooian pancakes?"

So much for the small talk.

Y/N cleared the line as soon as her plate was full of pancakes and walked back to her seat. Skylen was done with his breakfast already, but he was still seated and enthusiastically speaking with one of his friends. Y/N silently slid on the bench and took a big sip of the burning hot liquid.

Ahhh. That was as close to heaven as it could get.

"Hey! Duckling! Let me introduce you. I hope you brought a notepad with ya because you're gonna learn a lot of new names today. Nobody will blame ya if you mess them up. I still do years later."

She snorted and put her mug down.

"Is that supposed to reassure me?"

Skylen rolled his blue eyes.

"Someone's awfully sarcastic today. And here I was being nice!"

Someone laughed by his side. Y/N leaned forward to see who it was. A woman, in her early forties, with deep chocolate skin and silky black hair. She had bright blue eyes and stared at Skylen with an unimpressed look.

"Don't listen to the drama queen. I'm Mala. We've met very briefly yesterday. I'm part of Green squad."

Y/N remembered and shot the woman a warm smile. Skylen took it as his cue to take back control of the conversation. He leaned forward to block Y/N's view; the woman rolled her eyes.

"As I was saying… This is Mala. The guy you flew with yesterday is Kloon. Trained in emergency medicine. You'll see Petrov later; he's weird as heck. Whatever you do, don't bring up his bald head."

…What?

She really should have brought a notepad with her.

While stuffing her face with the pancakes, Y/N listened intently to Skylen. He introduced her to a technician she was sure she had seen yelling at his colleague the day prior, and a mechanic Y/N had seen in the garage when she had left. Then, her eyes fell on a familiar face.

"This is Varun. He and his team handle the repairs on our squad's ships. You'll see him around a lot. He saved my ass countless times and fixed the ship in record time. Pretty sure we would have blown up already if it wasn't for his magic fingers."

The mechanic wiggled said fingers to prove Skylen's point and sent her a bright smile. He was young; younger than her, even if it was only by a couple of years.

"Nice to see you again! You did a great job with your ship's engine. Even with Dameron distracting you. We're gonna make a decent mechanic out of you, I'm telling you!"

Oh, no. What had he done?

He didn't seem to realize how badly he had screwed up until Skylen hit the table with his closed fist, drawing attention from a couple of passersby. Y/N didn't necessarily want anyone to know she had run into Poe. She had, after all, made a fool of herself.

And here had she hoped it would have gone unnoticed. Apparently not.

"Wait- you met the General? When? Where? And how come I don't know about it yet? I want the details, Duckling! And I want them yesterday!"

For such a big guy with a gruff look on him, Skylen acted like a damn teenage girl. Y/N rolled her eyes, toying with the rest of her pancakes. There was no escaping this one. She sighed and put her fork down, glancing up. Six pairs of eyes were staring at her. The woman nervously tightened one of her braids, which was particularly useless considering they hadn't budged.

"Well. He crept up on me after you left. And I made a fool of myself because I repeated what you told me. I told him I had my doubts about him being the best pilot of the Galaxy and he laughed. Mind you, I didn't know who he was because SOMEONE forgot to tell me what he looks like,"  she added, glaring at Skylen. The pilot merely smiled innocently.

"Actually, I do recall you saying something along the lines of 'I'll believe it when I see it' and Poe laughing his ass off,"  Varun interrupted. Laughter rose from the small group and Y/N grunted.

"Whose side are you on?! I didn't know who he was! And he was teasing me. I thought he was one of those overly confident pilots I've seen so many times. I couldn't have known!"

As they laughed wholeheartedly, Y/N couldn't help but thank the stars he didn't have a short temper. Some people didn't take very nicely the doubts that were thrown their way. She internally winced, remembering how badly it had gone the last time she had accidentally made fun of one of her superiors. The blaster burn on her ankle was here to back her claims.

But the more time she spent with her new teammates, the more she realized she had to let go of her irrational fears. Constantly comparing them to the troopers she had lived with wasn't fair on anyone, and it wouldn't help her move on.

Could she, though? The wound the First Order had left in her soul was so deep that she was pretty sure nothing could heal it. The fear, the disgust, was so deeply rooted in her person that they would always be there. But she couldn't let them have a hold on her. Skylen was not Zulu, Finn wasn't Hux, and Poe wasn't Kylo. The kindness in his eyes showed as much.

Lost in her thoughts, she hadn't realized her bearded companion was talking to her until she felt something touch her shoulder. She jumped, startled, and immediately grabbed her knife to defend herself-

"I'm sure he didn't take it too personally! Poe is a lot of things, but he doesn't hold a grudge."

She relaxed when she realized there was no danger in sight and dropped the knife back on the plate as discreetly as she could; before smiling softly.

"He laughed it off. Told me I would soon see just how good he was."

And, to be honest, she was looking forward to it. The last time she had been part of a unit, it was under strict circumstances; follow the orders, don't question them. She followed Ren's, and her team followed hers. There was no playful competition in the ranks. But this time, they were encouraged to challenge one another and themselves, too. And from what Finn had told her, Poe was in dire need of some competition…

She would gladly deliver.

"Well, Duckling, you're in luck because the time is upon us. We gotta move out of here or we're gonna be late for the first debrief. After the catastrophic first impression you made on him yesterday, we wouldn't want to give him a reason to tease you even more, now, would we?"

Y/N raised her middle finger as her only answer and walked out of the room, Skylen's cackles following her as she marched out.

He was insufferable.

It was a beautiful day outside, and the woman was glad to enjoy it. She liked space, she really did - but sometimes, the empty vastness was cold and lonely. Kuat was anything but; it was a warm, sunny planet. Birds were chirping, the sun was shining, and light bounced off the X-Wings' freshly-cleaned fuselages. As Skylen had predicted, Klana joined them, her forehead covered in a thin layer of sweat she had quickly wiped off when her Commander had teased her about it. The sun warmed up Y/N's skin; the woman took in a deep breath of fresh air as they stepped outside.

The X-Wings were lined up, squeaky clean, and ready for takeoff. Small scraps could still be seen, war wounds collected during countless fights they either couldn't or didn't want to erase. Much like actual scars or tattoos, X-Wings had physical reminders of their battles, too. Y/N found that to be very poetic. And although she wasn't looking forward to damaging her brand new ship, she was eager to experience new adventures with her and see what memories they would make together.

Her eyes were drawn to her own ship, which was the closest to the door. It had been freshly painted, or at least, the paint job had gotten a lifting. It was stunning, undoubtedly pampered during the night by the team of mechanics.

As they walked past it, Y/N took a look at the other ships. Most of them were similar to hers, but one was very different; black and orange, the most recent model of the fleet; she would have bet her hand that it was Poe's.

It was funny to her how Poe-like the ship was. Dark like his curls, orange like his droid and his suit. She smiled softly. The man was an open book.

And the aforementioned pilot was standing a bit further, speaking with a Togruta. BB-8 stood by his side; the little ball perked up when he heard the newcomers.

"Little booger! How've you been?"

Skylen ran forward and dropped to his knees, affectionately rubbing the little droid's head. Klana chuckled.

"Everyone loves BeeBee, I swear. He and Poe are the perfect duo."

Y/N glanced at her new friend. She was watching Skylen with soft eyes and even though she was pretending to be annoyed by his loud display of affection, the tiniest smile was tugging at her lips. Y/N snorted.

"I mean... he  is  adorable."

"Not you, too! " Klana answered, eyes wide in feigned shock. The two women shared a laugh which got Poe's attention. He turned his head toward them and shot them a boyish grin. He reached the pilots in a few steps. He was wearing the same flight suit Y/N had seen him with the day before, but his curls were slightly more tamed and he had shaved.

"Klan, it's good to see you,"  he started before his eyes fell on Y/N. Although she felt very self-conscious and nervous, considering how they had met and what was at stake that day, the woman didn't look away. Poe grinned.

"Y/N. I hope you're ready to have your mind blown."

Was his cocky self always invited to the party? The pilot couldn't help it and rolled her eyes. She flinched immediately and involuntarily, expecting to be scolded, but Poe didn't say anything. The moment of doubt was over as fast as it came and the pilot answered:

"Sure thing, General. I was warned about friendly fire, after all."

He laughed and clamped her shoulder, a habit she had already noticed.

"Your sarcasm will fit right in with Skylen's. No wonder you two hit it off."

The aforementioned pilot was still cooing at BB-8, who looked very happy to be the center of attention. Poe squeezed her arm and added:

"Also, the first rule of the squad: you only call me Poe. General was Leia's moniker."

Yikes. That wasn't something Y/N was used to, and she would slip up without a doubt. Her military rigor was deeply rooted in her core function, and calling someone by something else than their title when they were above her was unsettling.

"Yes, Gen- Poe."

He chuckled again and let go of Y/N's arm, focusing his hazel gaze on Klana instead. The curly woman was watching silently with visible amusement.

"She's funny,"  he said, and the woman smiled.

"And you can also tell by her body language she's incredibly uncomfortable, Poe. It's her first day. Go easy on her."

Was she that easy to read?! But a quick look down showed her that she was standing with her weight on one foot, and she had her arms crossed.

So much for appearing confident.

Poe didn't seem to mind and smiled warmly. Did he ever stop smiling?

"No need for that. We don't bite. At least not before the third date."

Uh-oh; he was charming, sassy, AND a flirt with anyone he met. That wasn't a good combination. Klana snorted, and the man turned around, letting out an audible —yet exaggerated— groan.

"Come on, Blue. Leave my droid alone. He is purring so bad he's gonna turn into a Loth Cat."

"Not my fault he is cuter than you!"  Skylen retorted as BB-8 beeped in approval. He was genuinely the mascot of the squad. Poe rolled his eyes playfully before he clapped loudly.

"Gather round, everyone!"

Y/N walked closer to Skylen, and the three pilots stood near an X-Wing as the other squad members got closer. Poe stood in the middle of the newly-formed circle, not bothered by the amount of attention on him. Y/N stood by Klana's side, slightly behind her. 

She didn't really enjoy attention in any way, shape, or form. And she knew that as the newest member, eyes would be on her soon enough anyway. Might as well enjoy standing on the side for as long as she could. Maybe, one day, when she wasn't new anymore, she could get more confident. Like she used to be before the… incident.

This seemed like it was a thousand years ago. Maybe it was. The Y/N back then was a different person. The years hadn't been kind to her and the guilt she carried.

"As you know,"  Poe's voice interrupted,  "ever since Ara went on maternity leave, we've been down one ship. That's no longer the case. Y/N will be joining Blue squad under my orders. Every single one of you is gonna fly with her, so I suggest you get to know one another. I don't want to hear anything about whatever stupid rumor has been floating around. I trust you to be better than that, or I'll kick your asses, no questions asked."

That was one hell of an introduction. Y/N winced, but there were no complaints.

"I've seen her fly. She's good. That's all I give a crap about,"  Skylen perked up. They nodded in agreement, and the woman smiled. This guy was a blessing.

She wouldn't tell him, though, because he would probably get cockier than he already was.

"What was your test run time, Rookie?"  A woman asked. Y/N took it as her cue to walk forward, standing inside the circle and forcing herself not to look down.

"Four two."

Appreciative whistles were the only answer she got from the other female pilot. Poe nodded, visibly satisfied.

"Okay, that's good enough for me. Better than  my  test run back in the day, I'll tell you that much,"  another guy said.

"Not as good as mine, but hey, I'm impressed. You're not too far off."

Y/N turned her gaze to her leader. He was obviously waiting for her reaction, expecting her to ask him about it. She didn't want to feed his ego like that, but Y/N was also curious.

"Alright, I'll bite. What was your time, Gen- Poe?"

He gave her a boyish grin.

"Three fifty-four."

Kriffing Hell. The guy was outstanding.

And he was aware of it, judging by how big his grin was. Y/N didn't say anything back, biting away every snarky clawback that had crossed her mind. Challenging the General to a fly-off would NOT be her smartest moment, and she had had quite a lot of the 'I'm so stupid' ones. Making a fool of herself on the first day was not something she wanted.

Poe then made the introductions, listing everyone's names and positions. He explained she would be number four, flying on the side when they formed the regular, star-shaped formation. She was okay with that.

"Normally, I would have waited for you to get a crash course in flight strategy, but considering what you did for a living, I'm assuming you understand what I'm talking about,"  he'd said, and Y/N had nodded in response. She had been where he was, a long time ago. She remembered every single detail of her flights.

She couldn't have forgotten them even if she had wanted to anyway.

Explosions and falling ships flashed behind her eyelids. For a second, Poe's voice was covered by the screams she had once heard. She shook her head. Now was not the time.

"Okay! Now, for today's missions. BeeBee, show us the map, please."

The little ball rolled forward and projected a hologram on the ground.

"This is a routine check-in. The Senate has us patrolling in the deeper areas they can't control, the ones we haven't checked for war refugees yet. Green squad, Blue will take you to the right side of the planet. You need to scan the surface for any life forms; there shouldn't be any. Blue squad, we're going left, same job. Keep your eyes open, it should be deserted, but we might run into unexpected trouble. Are we all good?"

Everyone nodded, and Y/N's heart started beating faster. That was it. They were really doing it! Her first mission. Nothing too exciting, but her nerves felt like a million tiny, raw wires. It was a big deal.

A comforting hand landed on her shoulder, and her eyes met Poe's. He was smiling at her.

"You've got this, Y/N."

Simple words, but they sent a shockwave down her spine. Y/N gave him a single nod, and the brown-haired man winked before walking to his X-Wing. She imitated Poe, just as the mechanics came out of the garage, followed by the astromech droids. Y/N was assigned to a red R2 unit she waved at when it was loaded into her ship. She climbed up the ladder, zipped her jumpsuit up, and grabbed the helmet they had put into the cockpit. It looked exactly like her ship: blue and white. She smiled. From then on, it would be hers forever.

Or until she got blown up in space, whichever came first.

The transparisteel canopy closed on her, blocking every sound coming from outside of the cockpit. She was alone in the cramped space, but she didn't mind. She had always liked it. It was her, her skills, and her ship against the rest of the world.

Her commlink crackled with an incoming private message and she took the call.

"Try not to get starstruck when you see Dameron flying, Duckling."

Y/N rolled her eyes. Of course, Skylen would make a snarky comment right before they took off.

She turned her head right, seeing her friend grinning at her from the X-Wing next to hers. The woman hung up on him and flipped him off. She saw him laughing and could very much hear him in the back of her head. Prick. Why was he teasing her that much anyway?

Truth be told, Y/N understood why. Poe Dameron was the Poster boy of the Resistance, legendary pilot, and all-around badass. The new pilot wasn't stupid enough not to see how women and men alike swooned over him. But she wasn't one to get starstruck. He was a pilot before anything else and would expect her to be nothing but perfectly professional: yes, she might have been impressed by the rumored skills he had - but that was it. She wasn't going to act like a schoolgirl with a crush, she barely knew the guy anyway, and he was too flirty with everyone to her liking.

Why was she thinking about that, anyway?!

"Alright, squads. We're cleared for takeoff."

She powered her ship on, and a few moments later, the ten pilots were in the air. Y/N swiftly took her mark, and both squadrons reached the vastness of space. 

One second later, they disappeared with a white flash as they jumped into hyperspace.

————————————————————————————————————

When they landed, hours later, Y/N was relieved to take off her helmet. The damn thing was crushing her skull.

The smile on her face, however, didn't come off with the tight headpiece.

The mission had been boring — Poe's words — and uneventful. The planet they had scanned was empty, a lifeless rock swooped by strong winds. The flight had gone without a hitch, the only thing worth mentioning being the asteroid field they had had to cross to reach their destination. It wasn't very dense and although it took them half an hour to get through, it wasn't challenging. Poe had seemed impressed enough with Y/N's abilities to point them out, though, and the woman had felt the weight on her shoulder lift. She had been afraid to screw up out of sheer nervousness. He  would  have reconsidered his decision! But nothing had happened.

And now, Y/N was grinning proudly. She fist-bumped in the air and let out a happy yelp before pushing the cockpit opening button. Giddy with happiness, her nervosity long forgotten, she leaned across the open canopy and gave a thumbs up to the droid before jumping down (almost missing a rung and breaking her neck) on the ground. Her hair was messy, and baby hair stuck out of her ponytail. It was slightly greasy from being stuck under the hardened hat for so long, but she didn't care. Skylen's ship had landed right before hers, and the man was already making her way toward her-

"YOU DID IT!"

…But Klana got here first. The black-haired pilot jumped up and down and wrapped the other woman in a tight hug, something she seemed to be doing a lot.

"I'm so proud of you! See? Nothing to be worried about! You looked so nervous earlier while you were talking with Poe. But I knew you belonged in this squad!"

She squished her against her chest, and Y/N let out a breathy "what are you doing?"

"I'm hugging you. Don't fight."

Okay, then. Y/N chuckled and wrapped her arms around Klana. When was the last time she had gotten a hug?

…Never?

Wow, that was sad.

"Yeah, yeah. We're all happy Duckling didn't make a fool of herself in front of Dameron when she wanted to impress him, huh?"  Skylen chimed in, and Y/N felt more than she saw Klana glaring at him.

"Don't be an asshole, Skylen!"  she answered indignantly.  "You were a mess too on your first day."

The man cackled as the two women broke their hug. Y/N huffed and rolled her eyes.

"I did NOT want to impress him, Kriff. I just wanted to prove that I was good enough to be there."

"Sounds an awful lot like impressing him."  He answered with a dismissive shrug.  "It's okay to have a crush-"

Wowowowow where did THAT COME FROM?!

Y/N chocked on air indignantly, coughed, and choked again. Skylen and Klana exchanged a look and burst out laughing.

"You should have seen your face! Hah! I was just teasing you. Or was I?"

Oh, come on! One day there, and they were already annoying her to death?

"I'm not even answering that. You're an idiot,"  Y/N huffed. The bearded man cackled once again.

"Ah, don't worry, half of the base has a crush on him; you definitely wouldn't be the only one. I was just messing with ya, Duckling."

She narrowed her eyes at him. And before she could stop herself, she quipped:

"Sure, Furball."

Skylen stopped laughing immediately and stared at her, eyes wide as plates.

"You... what?"

Uh-oh. Had she gone too far? No, he had given her a nickname an hour after they had met; he couldn't be offended, could he?

Ah, who cared: he had it coming!

"Furball. Because you have hair everywhere. If I have a nickname, you deserve one, too."

The two older pilots stared at each other, mouths agape. Y/N frowned. What the hell-

"Maker! She gave me a nickname! We're officially best friends!"

...He was unhinged.

Y/N rolled her eyes as Skylen wiped a fake tear from his eye.

"Am I interrupting?"

The three jumped and turned around, only to find Poe standing with his arms crossed and both eyebrows raised. He looked amused.

...How long had he been standing there?

"We, uh,"  Y/N said before she could stop herself.  "We're not talking about you."

Talk about being subtle… Poe blinked once, twice, and laughed.

"Okay then. I wanted to let you three know that we're having a party tonight. A bonfire in the forest outside the base, to celebrate the newbies making it into the squads. That means you, Y/N,"  he added.

Skylen let out a happy "yes" and Klana fist-bumped him, but Y/N only furrowed her brows in confusion.

"I... that's nice. I just don't really see what's to celebrate; you have newcomers all the time, don't you?"

Poe looked at her for a moment, and the woman feared she had said something offensive. Her two friends had shared a look of... pain? Sadness? She didn't know. Their General nodded toward the deserted airfield.

"Walk with me for a bit?"

Of course, she had said yes, and the four of them had parted ways. Klana and Skylen had gone off to get ready for the bonfire; Poe and Y/N walked down the airfield along the building's wall. The sun was setting, painting the usually cold concrete with beautiful shades of red and pink. Poe was silent for a moment, which was out of character for him; Y/N was sure of it.

"You handled yourself pretty well today. They made the right call, assigning you to my squad."

Another compliment? Was she dreaming? Or was it normal but she had been deprived of any form of recognition for so long she had forgotten it even existed?

...Had she been praised by Ren, even once? Had she been told he was proud of her?

No, of course not.

"Thanks, Gen- Poe,"  she corrected herself. He gave her a crooked smile.

"You're having a hard time remembering my name, huh? That doesn't usually happen. Should I be offended?"

Y/N snorted but shook her head no. What a flirt.

"I'm sorry. I'm used to people being super sensitive about their titles. If you called someone by the wrong rank, you could be killed. Especially people like Kylo Ren."

His outbursts were well-known.

Poe nodded thoughtfully and took a second before answering:

"I've always hated the guy. He went full-on emo crap and killed a lot of my friends. Just because he wanted revenge."

He huffed and shook his head. His hazel eyes had a glimmer of pain in them. This man was exhausted from losing people.

She could relate.

"That's actually the reason we have those parties. Not Ren's obsession with black. The dying thing."  He added, a smile tugging at his lips.  "I didn't want to say it in front of the others because I don't want to open old wounds, but... you deserve to know."

They had reached the end of the wall. From there, it was only a forest. Poe stopped to look at it for a second. His expression was thoughtful. The wind was gently rustling through the leaves and through the strands of his black hair.

"During the war, we had nothing. We were barely surviving. The number of people in our ranks kept decreasing because they kept killing more of us. And each successful mission was an excuse to celebrate. Leia used to say it boosted our morals. I think she was right."

He turned to her. His eyes were full of determination.

"Finn and I kept the tradition. It's a way to bring everyone together. This way, we don't forget. And you never know what could happen in the future. If this damn war taught me anything, it's that you can't take things for granted. For all we know, things could go to hell tomorrow morning. Might as well celebrate while we can."

This was... awfully accurate. Y/N didn't say anything. She understood. Soldiers, and pilots especially, tended to have a shorter lifespan.

"I'm not usually this depressing, I swear,"  he laughed.  "But you're one of us now. You need to understand."

"I do,"  she immediately answered.

Poe raised a curious brow, and Y/N sighed. She hadn't planned on telling him - or anyone - about it, but...

"We never had parties, obviously. But whenever we lost someone, we would have a wake. Play Sabacc, darts. Drink. It was the only time we behaved like actual humans with one another."

She pushed back a loose stray of hair away from her face. The memories of the few evenings they had spent laughing would never leave her. They were among the only moments in the First Order she didn't regret playing a role in.

"To you, they were the enemy. To me, they were friends. They weren't good people. But they were all I had. We all knew we were disposable, so celebrating making it through another fight was the closest thing we had to existing. I had it easy since I was an officer, but…"

That wasn't exactly true. If anything, Ren was harder on her because she was leading her squadron. He was her direct superior officer. If Y/N screwed up anything, she had to deal with his anger.

And the woman knew very well how that usually ended.

"I'm just trying to say... I'm glad you're doing that. It's nice to matter again to the commanding chain,"  she added with a chuckle, but it didn't hold any humor. It was an empty sound, and Poe wasn't stupid. He knew she wasn't joking.

But it wasn't his place to push it. Not for now, at least.

Instead, he chuckled with her out of politeness. It amazed him how easily he could fake his emotions. Maybe it came with being a General.

"Hey, we're always glad to have an excuse to drink. Especially since we're not going out tomorrow. Also, it's way easier to get your hands on alcohol now than it used to be. So let's go, get ready, and let your hair down a bit. The last two days have been eventful for you, and you deserve to relax, 'Kay?"

He winked, patted her shoulder as he usually did, and walked away, leaving Y/N to admire the beautiful, painting-like view of the forest. The deep shades of green swirled together in perfect harmony, and the wind rustling through the leaves was music to her ears. Kuat really was a nice planet, especially now that it had been cured of the gangrene of the war. Nature had taken back its power, and it gently wrapped anyone who would listen in a blanket of peacefulness. Y/N had always loved the outdoors. There was something both thrilling and calming in the vastness of the uncharted lands one could visit, should they seek them.

Her talk with Poe had given her a sense of usefulness, and the scenery was giving her mind the gift of peacefulness. The woman had never felt so at ease before. Everything, from the base to the people, was welcoming. Light years away from the coldness and disdain of the white corridors she had roamed, clad in her black, fitted uniform. The star destroyer had always had a certain surgical vibe. Squeaky clean, impersonal, military, hostile to the human feelings and thoughts one could have.

But Kuat felt like home already. And the woman was slightly scared to realize it. Because, really, Poe was right; it could end as it had begun; everything could crumble to ashes in a day. For all she knew, Y/N could be forced to leave the following morning. Was she ready for the heartbreak? Would it be worth it?

Her commlink beeped before she could think about it, and she glanced down at her wrist. Klana had sent her a message.

Take a shower and meet me in my room! You probably don't have many casual clothes yet. I'll lend you some.

The woman was a gift. Her dark thoughts were pushed away as the pilot smiled unwillingly and, with one last look at the murmuring forest, she turned away and started walking toward the base.

It took her only five minutes to get to her room and five more to shower. Another five to put on her trusty leather jacket, a plain shirt, and a jumpsuit she tied around her midsection so she wouldn't walk pantless. It wasn't the most glamorous thing she had ever worn, but she hadn't had time to get herself some new possessions. On her next day off, she would have to hit the town and use the pile of credits she had stacked in her top drawer. She had almost died for the damn thing, might as well find it some utility.

It took her a while to reach Klana's room. It wasn't in the same sector she had her own room in, and Y/N took so many wrong turns that when he finally reached her destination (after kindly asking a poor technician to point her in the right direction), her head was spinning.

So much for being convinced she could find her way easily.

She knocked and the smiling face of her friend appeared as the door whooshed open.

"Come in!"  Klana said and dragged her inside before the other woman could get a word out.

The pilot's room was full of trinkets, undoubtedly collected during her travels. It was also bigger than Y/N's, as excepted. The dresser was covered in pictures and posters, and necklaces were pinned to the corners of the piece of furniture, dangling softly as Klana moved around the room. She had several jars of sand on her desk, some of them coarse and red, others thin and white.

The whole place screamed "travel" to Y/N. And to someone who had never really taken the time to enjoy the scenery of the planets she had visited since she was always on the run, it was a sight for sore eyes.

"Kriff, don't take it the wrong way, but this look is not working in your favor. Showing up like this at the bonfire will win you a one-way ticket to the butt of everyone's jokes."

Well. Y/N had not expected a military base to care that much about looks. Were they all secretly into fashion? She didn't think so. The woman usually dressed practically whenever she wasn't wearing a uniform - which wasn't too often. There were far more interesting things to care about than a bunch of clothes…

Klana must have sensed her hesitation because she giggled playfully.

"Relax. I'm not going to have you wear a dress. But Poe told you why we're having this party, didn't he? We don't get too many occasions to dress nicely. If you want to fit in like I know you do, you'll need to look the part."

It seemed the woman had an undeniable talent for reading someone's thoughts. And she looked determined to make Y/N a full-time member of the family she had chosen. Why she was so kind to her, the woman didn't know, but she was grateful nonetheless.

Y/N watched as her sun-kissed comrade rummaged through her closet, the pendants dangling dangerously faster. How they hadn't fallen off yet was a mystery.

A piece of clothing hit her face, and the ex-officer jumped, startled. She grabbed her attacker: a simple pair of leather pants.

"No, that won't do. No. Too pink…"

She shuddered upon hearing the word 'pink,' suddenly aware that she was at Klana's mercy. Fortunately, her new friend seemed kind enough to spare her the torture of wearing such a color.

"So… How long have you been in the Resistance for?"  Y/N asked, eager to create a diversion and — hopefully — avoid getting hit with a matching pink top. Klana's voice came muffled as she leaned forward, looking inside the closet.

"Years. I'm older than you are, and I was a Senatorial advisor before. I joined the very day Leia created it. Didn't even think about it twice… Ah! This will do."

She threw something else, and this time, Y/N was ready. Getting slapped in the face once by a flying piece of clothing was embarrassing enough already. All the woman could do at the moment was wait for the storm to pass. Klana was obviously not done yet.

"I didn't become a pilot on the spot, though. I actually served in communications before. I joined Skylen's squad a few months ago only. We were out on a mission, and I was their translator. We got ambushed and had to get out of here. The guys were too busy shooting so I had to fly the ship myself. They told me I was a natural, and Poe had me trained."

Even though she had her back facing Y/N, the new pilot knew she was smiling. It was pretty evident that Klana was fond of Poe. But then again, it was hard to dislike the man.

Without any warning, she suddenly turned around, holding a pair of shoes in her left hand. She had her brows furrowed.

"I know people tell me I'm too friendly. They call me clingy. I can't help it. I just…"

She let out a sigh, and her curls bounced sadly around her face as her brown eyes gazed down.

"I know what it's like to be the newbie and to be all alone. I wouldn't wish that to anyone."

With a shy smile, she handed the shoes to Y/N, who balanced them on top of the pile she already had in her arms.

"I'm sorry if I'm weird. You just seemed anxious, and I thought I could help-"

"Hey,"  Y/N interrupted, waving her hand the best she could while holding the pile of clothes.  "You're not weird. You are very nice, very friendly, and you've made me feel welcome. Don't doubt yourself because some idiot couldn't appreciate what you're doing for all of us."

Klana turned bright pink. She was such a sweet soul; Y/N hated how someone had made her feel like a burden. Kind people were rare. She hadn't come across many of them in her lifetime, and definitely not during her working years.

"Oh. That is nice of you to say. I'm glad. Now come on! The bathroom's this way. Go and get changed! We don't want to be late, or all the good booze will be gone."

That would be a tragedy indeed. Y/N hurried off to the small room and changed as instructed. Klana had a good eye, that was for sure; the clothes fit like a glove. The outfit was simple, made of tight leather pants, a sleeveless turtleneck shirt, a belt, and knee-high black boots. She put her jacket back on and let her hair loose. The woman felt… good. Not as self-conscious as she had expected to feel. And the alcohol would take care of the remaining anxiety.

The door opened with a whoosh, and she carefully stepped back inside the room. Klana sat on the bed, her natural curls out of their ponytail. She smiled brightly.

"You look awesome! It's been so long since anyone let me dress them up… The others usually don't have time for it."

For someone so friendly, she sure seemed to be lonelier than Y/N had expected. She felt a pang of sympathy for her fellow pilot. It was obvious she was doing her best to be nice to others, and make them feel invested in the base's life, so why didn't they reciprocate her efforts? Y/N would have given all she had (which was not much) to have someone care even slightly as much as Klana did.

The pilot wasn't a social person, but she felt the need to try, as she had the day before during the flying tests.

And she had the answer to her question.

Sure, it could all disappear the following day or the day after. But these people deserved to be befriended. They hadn't let the possibility of upcoming death scare them, so why should Y/N be?

"You can dress me up whenever you want, Klana."

The smile she got as an answer was the only confirmation she needed to know she had made the right choice.

The two women had made their way through the hallways (or, really, Klana had: Y/N had just followed like the clueless puppy she still was) to the landing strip. Someone had lit up a path, which was much welcomed as the sun began to set on Kuat. Fireflies joined the bright lights, fluttering off in the evening sky. They crossed paths with many other soldiers, and they all seemed happy. Nobody glared at her or whispered as Y/N walked past them. It was as if they were different people.

Klana had the right idea to dress up. It looked like everyone had left their soldier personas in their quarters.

As they got closer to the forest, music filled the air, followed by laughter. Y/N had no idea where the clearing was — she hoped it wasn't too far away. She was parched.

Fortunately, they only had to walk for a few moments before reaching the clearing.

It was stunning. Really wide, with a huge fire in the middle. Tables had been put out near the trees, and they were covered with bottles, glasses, and food. Someone had hung fairy lights to the lower branches, and a droid was blasting some music. The party Wass already in full swing, even though Y/N was sure it had started not too long ago.

"Y/N! Klana!"

As soon as they had stepped foot inside the clearing, someone had called them both. It took less than a second to put a face on the voice as Finn appeared, grinning happily.

"I'm glad you're here! I heard the mission went well; congratulations! Oh, no, I've done it again. Sorry, I'm not supposed to talk about that. This is a party, after all. Poe is gonna kick my ass if he hears me."

Finn was always in a good mood and Y/N found herself smiling, too. She had instantly liked him. He was a very nice man and probably the only person she could relate to.

"Welcome home, then! This is for you newbies. Drinks are on us! We're happy to have you, you know. You're all nice people. But I'm really looking forward to getting to know you. If you need anything, let me know, okay?"

Before Y/N could answer his speech, someone called his name, and the General disappeared. The two women exchanged an amused glance.

"Is he always this… This…"

"This much  Finn ? Pretty much. He and Poe have so much energy, I don't know how they do it,"  Klana answered with a laugh.

They joined their usual hangout group, made of both of their squads. Skylen was already there, as expected, and already pretty tipsy.

Again, as expected.

"DUCKLING! You clean up nice!"  He said with a laugh, swinging his drink carelessly. Some of it spilled to the ground, but Skylen didn't care.

"Someone get her a drink, folks! We gotta have one together! Mala, get the lady some Prow."

Mala obliged, not without rolling her eyes, but Skylen didn't care. He was grinning happily, and Y/N laughed.

"You know, Duckling, I'm glad you're here, y'know? You're funny. I like you."

He draped his arms around the shoulders of both women and awkwardly hugged them.

"You are drunk, Commander,"  Klana stated, and Y/N snorted as the man turned indignantly toward his friend.

"I'm TIPSY, Klan'. Maker, you people are kriffing boring! Okay! Here are your glasses! Y/N, you gotta… You gotta drink it up in one go! EVERYONE, GATHER AROUND! We're having a welcome drink!"

And off he went. Y/N burst out laughing.

"What the Hell?"  She asked as Klana just groaned playfully.

"It's a tradition. We line up six shots of Garrmorl, and you have to knock them back without taking a break."

Kriff.

All things considered, Y/N wasn't going to die blown up in her X-Wing. Skylen was going to be the death of her.

She handed her liquor pretty well, but Garrmorl was… Well. She didn't have the best history with the drink.

But it was tradition, right?

Y/N watched anxiously as Skylen carefully poured —with surprising agility, considering how kriffing inebriated he was— six full glasses of alcohol.

Oh, Maker.

She winced, and her face contorted in pure anxiety. This would not end well. Her discomfort was apparent enough for Klana to gently touch her arm.

"Hey. If you don't want to do it, Skylen will be more than happy to drink them for you."

Y/N opened her mouth to answer — to express how bad she would feel if she exposed her new teammates to her drunken ass — but her eyes accidentally found a silhouette making its way through the crowd.

Poe.

Dang it. Now Y/N couldn't say no.

It was a slightly unhealthy thing to seek approval as she did. But she genuinely wanted to make everything right. To fit right in. It was a bit sad, really, to be that desperate, her inner voice whispered. She knew that. However, it didn't stop her from feeling like she was in these people's debt.

And for the first time ever, she had a fair leader. Maybe she was subconsciously trying to make up for the time wasted by Kylo's side by getting in Poe's good grace, she didn't know.

She only knew that the General inspired her to be pretty stupid and reckless. The woman was SURE he was already rubbing off on her.

"Did someone say welcome drink?"  Poe's voice interrupted. Y/N turned around, only to find him standing with his arms crossed on his chest and a shit-eating grin on his face. He had switched his usual orange jumpsuit for a leather jacket, fitted pants, and a tight shirt.

He really cleaned up well.

Which was apparently something everyone seemed to agree on, judging by the longing looks he got from some of his fellow soldiers. Yes, his charming personality was definitely a hit with the ladies.

Y/N internally rolled her eyes.

The brown-haired man didn't seem to care at all, though. His hazel eyes were fixated on the woman in front of him with an intensity that made her squirm on the spot —and she couldn't even blame the alcohol yet.

"Yeah… Skylen mentioned something about Garrmorl."  She answered with a sigh, and Poe laughed.

"You're in for a treat, then. This thing is disgusting. But it's tradition."

"The General is right!"  Interrupted Skylen's booming voice as he glanced at his now empty drink in confusion. He shrugged and went back to his teasing.

"Unless you're too scared…?"

Oh, Kriff no.

Y/N took a step forward, feeling emboldened by the challenge - and maybe Poe's presence, although she wouldn't say it.

"I can drink you under the table, Furball."

A chorus of 'OOOOOOS' rose up from the crowd, and Skylen cackled loudly.

"Oh yeah? I'd like to see that happen, Duckling!"

Well. There was no backing down now.

Don't try this at home, kids.

With a pointed look at her friend, Y/N walked toward the table, looked around at her squad members, and met Poe's gaze. He nodded, clearly amused, and the woman took a deep breath before grabbing the first glass.

She knocked it back without a second thought, cheers erupting around her. The taste of the Garrmorl was as terrible as she remembered it to be, and she almost gagged but forced herself not to grimace. Skylen would never let her hear the end of it if she did.

She turned the empty glass over and grabbed the second one, then the third one. After the fourth one, she couldn't even feel her throat. The last two soon joined the first four, and she slammed the shooter glass down on the table with a victorious grin.

"Eat that, sucker!"  She said to Skylen. The pilot rolled his eyes.

"I'll be damned. Kriff."

People were soon swarming her in a drunken reenactment of her test run. Who knew drinking alcohol could make you so popular, huh?

Y/N was smiling at them, the Garrmorl getting to her head already. Her mind was buzzing around the edges, and everything felt slightly fuzzy. She hadn't eaten yet; drinking that much with an empty stomach was a recipe for disaster…

The woman jumped when something touched her back. Her head snapped to the side, eyes wide as plates as she looked for whoever had dared -

"You okay?"

Poe. Of course, it was Poe.

He was standing really close to her with a concerned look, undoubtedly so people couldn't hear what he had to say. Y/N nodded energetically.

"I'm great. Don't worry!"

He hummed and bit his lip in amusement.

"I wasn't expecting you to go through it."

The pilot chuckled, eyes trailing on Skylen who stood against a tree near, talking Klana's ear off. When had they left her?

"Yeah, well, someone's recklessness seems to be rubbing off on me."

"Ouch."

"I was talking about Skylen, but now that you mention it, it could very much be you."

They both laughed for a second until someone called his name. He sent her an apologetic look and shrugged sheepishly.

"I need to make my rounds. Have fun, okay?"

"Sir, yes Sir."

He rolled his eyes playfully as he walked away, joining Finn by the fire.

Y/N had no idea how much time had passed when she finally sat down on a bench. After her reckless encounter with the glasses of Garrmorl, she had decided to lay off the alcohol for a bit and was feeling much more clear-headed. Her feet were killing her, though, from dancing with Klana and Skylen.

Or, rather, dancing with Klana, and holding Skylen so he wouldn't fall flat on his face. For such a big man, he was a lightweight.

The two pilots had gone away to do Maker knew what, probably grab some food, and Y/N was just sitting alone, a content smile on her face. The party was a hit. Pilots and mechanics wobbled together, drunk as hell, and everyone seemed to be having fun. Poe was right - they really needed these kinds of parties. Even now that the war was over, it still lifted everyone's spirits.

Where was the General, by the way? Y/N's eyes searched the crowd for his smiling face, and she found him across the clearing, leaning against a tree, in deep conversation with Kloon.

Wait. Kloon was actually TALKING with someone? Was that the same Kloon she had flown with a day ago, and who hadn't said anything? Dang. Poe really had outstanding people skills. She was slightly offended.

Said man accidentally looked in her direction, and Y/N purposely looked away. She didn't want to be caught staring. She was sure he had seen her, but her slightly tipsy mind wouldn't register that. Hey, it wasn't her fault he made her nervous. It wasn't on purpose; she knew that, but still. This hazel gaze of his was unnerving.

Or maybe it was just him being himself. Y/N wasn't so sure.

Poe Dameron was so… unbelievably himself. Y/N was pretty sure she had never met a man like him.

And she had known quite a lot of cocky pilots.

As she purposely avoided looking back at him, her eyes fell on a silhouette approaching the fire, and her mood instantly dropped. Her fist clenched around her half-empty glass of Jawa Juice, and anger bubbled up her throat.

Tarsen.

The pilot and his squad had just entered the clearing, still dressed in orange jumpsuits. They had obviously landed not long ago. They went straight for the booze table, and Y/N breathed out a sigh of relief. He hadn't noticed her. Maybe she could avoid the confrontation altogether because she was too tipsy to fly straight.

Deciding she would be harder to spot if she was moving, the pilot stood up. The soft wind made her chilly, and she was suddenly glad to have brought her jacket with her.

She was sure that could be fixed with some hot food.

Careful not to get too close to the fire and to stick to the darker spots of the clearing, Y/N made her way to the table and picked a couple of small sausages she popped in her mouth with a delighted hum.

She had just swallowed the last bite when she felt a presence behind her back-

"You're still here."

Dang it.

With a sigh, she turned around. As expected, Tarsen stood right behind her, arms crossed and face distorted into a disgusted snarl. Y/N rolled her eyes. She was too tipsy to care about his rank. And he was the one coming to pick a fight anyway.

"You didn't get shot. That's nice."

Sarcaaaasm. Y/N grabbed another sausage and shoved it in her mouth without a care in the world.

"These things are to die for. You should try them."

This seemed to piss him off, for some reason. He glared at her and took a step forward.

"Listen here, Buckethead. Did you want a fly-off? Let's-"

"Don't even think about it."

The voice chilled her to the bone. Poe had popped up right by their side, and his usually warm presence felt colder than Hoth in winter. His face was a mix of seriousness and anger.

Uh-oh.

Like the trained soldier she was, Y/N immediately straightened her back, hand joining behind her. She was used to being on the receiving end of her superior's anger.

Even though she knew, deep down, that this time, she wasn't the target of the upcoming outburst. Proof being Poe's hazel eyes, which were glaring at Tarsen.

Said idiot turned around and looked visibly startled to be called out like that.

"Poe-"

"It's  General Dameron  to you, Tarsen."  Poe interrupted.

Oh. Snap.

She had only met the guy a day before, but Y/N already knew he wasn't one to get angry often. At this particular moment, though, his eyes were shooting daggers at the pilot.

"I'm so-"

"You'll speak when you're told to speak. Now, I want to make something crystal clear, Tarsen."

His eyes fell on Y/N, who felt incredibly out of place. She wasn't stupid. The woman had read the situation the wrong way. He wasn't here to shout at her. He was here to defend her.

Oh, Maker, no.

Poe's gaze softened as he looked at her, right before he turned his glare back to Tarsen, who didn't know what to say.

"Poe, don't…"  the woman mumbled, too low for him to hear her. She wasn't too sure he would have cared enough to stop even if he had, anyway.

 "I want to make something clear to EVERYONE here,"  he said, louder. Poe had drawn the attention of the majority of the people who weren't too drunk to recognize it was their General speaking. Even Finn was listening, but he didn't seem too surprised.

That made one of them, at least.

"We do NOT accept bullying of any kind around here. That's not how Leia taught us to behave. That's not who we are. And I don't care who we're dealing with, who they are, what they've done. If they're willing to work hard, we will take them in. No questions asked. Because that's who we are."

He was apparently good at making inspiring speeches, too.

"Being horrible to one another, that's what the First Order did. I won't stand for that kind of behavior in MY squads. Y/N is part of one of them, and she deserves the same amount of respect you'd give to ANYONE."

Oh, no. That was it. He had made it about her.

If she could have made a wish at this moment, the ex-TIE pilot would have asked the genie to open the ground under her feet and to have it swallow her whole. Everyone was staring at her, now, and she hadn't drunk nearly enough alcohol to feel comfortable in that setting.

Why? Why couldn't he just… let it go? Didn't he know it was going to have the opposite effect? Her shoulders slumped. All she ever wanted was to be a random pilot…

"Poe, let's not make a scene. It's okay."  The tried.

"Oh, no, let's,"  he answered without looking at her. Y/N cringed. Why couldn't he just listen to her?! She hadn't asked to be protected. To have someone stand up to her… That wouldn't make things better. She knew that more than anyone.

"Disrespect her again,"  the hazel-eyed pilot said,  "and you're demoted. Now get the hell out of here. Get some rest. Come back tomorrow morning with a clear head."

Tarsen looked pissed. His left hand was twitching as if he wanted to bark back, but the look Poe sent him was enough to stop him from doing so. He grumbled a "yes, General" and walked away, fuming.

Y/N let out a breath she didn't know she was holding. The laughter and the jokes had died down, and the clearing was silent. Poe glared at Tarsen as he disappeared toward the base, and the woman took the opportunity to sneak away from him, going back to the shadows.

It took the General five seconds to break into a grin and say:

"Come on! I think I saw that droid pop open a new bottle of Jawa Juice! You're not gonna let me drink that one on my own, huh?"

People laughed politely and started chatting again, albeit more quietly than before Poe's outburst.

It looked like anyone had managed to leave behind their worries and statuses, but not her. No, Y/N couldn't be separated from her job, as it seemed. She couldn't really be just "Y/N." All of these people… They would never accept her for her, not truly, would they?

Poe's intentions were pure. He had wanted to clear the air, and it was his role. But in doing so, he invited work to the party. Y/N was really uncomfortable. Why couldn't she be left alone? That's all she had ever wanted. To be part of the crowd, not stand out from it. The woman sighed, toying with the edge of her glass with her thumb. Her good mood had left the party; she felt the urge to do the same. Her eyes fell on the crowd, gathered around the campfire. People were talking and laughing, but things were quieter now. And it was her fault, truly. She had been the one who disturbed the peace. She was a scrap of metal in the well-oiled engine…

Her head started to spin, and it wasn't from the alcohol. She downed the rest of her glass in one go, barely registering the way it burned down her throat. The pilot abandoned her empty glass on a table and put both hands in her pockets, tugging at the thick material of her jacket to get it closer to her frame. Then, she slipped into the dark, leaving behind the quiet conversations and the crackling fire.

She needed to be alone for a bit. Maybe then, she wouldn't cause a scene.

"Hey, Skylen, where is Y/N?"

The bearded man turned around, nearly spilling his drink. It was clear he had had a little too much, but he seemed to sober up when he saw Poe. The General effect, undoubtedly.

"Oh, Poe. No idea. I haven't seen her in a while. Might be with Klan'? Or she went to grab a drink. I should do the same…"  he added, half-mumbling, before excusing himself and wobbling toward the nearest stash of Jawa Juice. Poe sighed and nervously bit his lower lip out of habit. He had already asked Klana.

Where the hell was his pilot?

He looked around again, but her hair was nowhere to be seen. Then, his eyes immediately searched for Tarsen, but the idiot had left with all his squad. Good. At least he hadn't gone after her.

With another sigh, the General looked down at his droid, who stared at him, little head tilted in curiosity.

"Can you find her for me, BeeBee? Track her commlink."

The droid beeped in approval and diligently followed the order. It only took Poe a few seconds to locate her, and thankfully, she wasn't too far. Before he could have second thoughts about how he had tracked down someone against their will, Poe took off in her direction, eyes carefully going from the blinking point on his datapad to the ground.

He would NOT trip, thank you very much.

BB-8 beeped questioningly, and Poe shrugged.

"Hey, what kind of leader would I be if I didn't make sure my new squad member was alright, buddy?"

#poe dameron #poe dameron x reader #poe dameron fanfiction #poe dameron x you #star wars fanfiction #post tros #star wars reader insert #fem!reader

[kaitycole]

losing what he never had

Summary: Bokuto recounts the worst day of his life that all started with a phone call.

Pairing: Bokuto x fem!reader

Word Count: 2822

Warnings: Angst. Pure fucking angst. Character death. Slight mention of pregnancy loss.  

A/N: Thanks to @cosmicmermaid25​ for this prompt. She said “make me cry” I hope this lives up to it. 

“I was supposed to be there, at home with you, but a match got rescheduled and I had to be in Tokyo. I was supposed to be there, driving with you to your doctor’s appointment because you wanted me with you, but instead I wasn’t and you were all alone.”

*                      * Present Day

Bokuto isn’t sure what he’s supposed to feel, but he does know that he feels empty and maybe a little lost. That feeling you get when you turn around in circles, first noticing the person you’re with isn’t there anymore. That feeling right before the panic sets in that you’re alone. Or maybe it’s more like when a strong wind blows in your face and you can’t catch breath, the struggle of quickly trying to block the overwhelming emotions that flood you as you try to breathe.

It’s been two months since he got the call, a phone call that shattered his entire world, that brought him down to his knees and nothing in his life has been the same. Like looking through a shattered mirror, hoping to see a complete image.

It had been on the calendar for weeks, the day that Y/N had her doctor’s appointment and she didn’t really like driving to far places alone, so of course being the doting boyfriend, Bokuto offered to drive. He didn’t mind, in fact he rather enjoyed driving and a part of him really enjoyed Y/N depending on him. She didn’t need to, she could hold her own, but he loved to feel needed and was confident that his partner knew that too.

But there was a storm, a match between MSBY and Schweiden Adlers had to be reschedule, but it became an away game and as fate would have it, it was scheduled for the same day as the appointment. Bokuto apologized profusely to his partner, swearing if he could sit out then he would, but she brushed off his worries, saying she understood, it wasn’t a big deal. Sometimes having such an understanding partner could hurt.

*                      * Two months ago – 7:45 AM

*alarm noises*

Bokuto picks up his phone, clicking end on the alarm, but truth be told, he had been up for a while. It’s weighing down on him that he can’t be there for his girlfriend, knowing she is getting ready to do something that she isn’t comfortable doing to begin with.

“Ko?” Her voice still sounds full of sleep, even though he knows by now she’s already had her morning tea and shower.

“’Morning babe. I just wanted to call before you left.” He steps out of the hotel room, out into the hallway. There’s a deeper meaning weighing his words, worry for her trip, but he’s hoping she doesn’t take it as doubt.

“You have perfect timing.” He hears the door locking in the background, “I was just walking out of the apartment.”

“I wish I could’ve been there to take you. Or that you’d have agreed to let Akaashi go with you.” He knows she can do it, but it doesn’t alleviate any guilt he has knowing that she didn’t really want to go alone.

“You can’t help a scheduling change and I’ll be okay, it’s not too far, ya know?” There’s a bit of hesitation in her voice and it kills Bokuto to know there’s nothing he can do. He tried to get her to reschedule but she said it had taken her a while to just get this one, she didn’t know how long it’d take to get another.

He sits on the ground next to his hotel room’s door, leaning back against the wall. “I know, but I still like feeling needed.” “Ko,” there’s a smile in her tone, “I’ll always need you. I gotta go, good luck at your game!”

“I love you. Be safe.”

“Love too you Ko!”

He stares at his phone, the screen now black and he can’t help but feel this pit in his stomach, like something’s eating at him. He pushes himself off the ground, trying to shake off the feeling, chalking it up to pre-game jitters.

*                      * 10:30 AM

It’s nearing the end of the first set of the match against the Adler that Bokuto’s focus seems to be withering. Hinata starts trying to pick up the slack on Bo’s end and Atsumu gets pissed off enough to stop setting to him altogether, which helps but the Adlers are quick to use that as a weak spot for MSBY. After the first set, Adlers in the lead, Coach Foster makes the decision to bench Bo.

Bokuto flops down on the bench, accepting a water bottle from the team’s manager. He hates this feeling, especially when he proudly told Akaashi and Atsumu that he wasn’t the moody guy that he was back in high school, and here he was letting whatever this feeling is affect his gameplay.

“Just cool down and clear your head.” Coach Foster says, not taking his eyes off the court.

Bokuto leans forward, his head between his knees as he steadies his breathing, letting go of everything that feels like it’s weighing him down. He knows that she’s fine, she promised him that she would be and he lets the comfort of her voice clear his mind before he makes eye contact with his coach, telling him that he’s ready now.

*                      * 1:55 PM

She should be home by now, right?

Bokuto looks down at his phone again, her voicemail echoing from the other end. Once Bokuto’s mind was clear, the Black Jackal dominated the court and took the win, but even with the various cheers filling the locker room, Bo found himself feeling miles away from the celebration.

He clicks on her thread once more, the last text having been from a few days ago about dinner, no “got here safely” text from today and that makes his stomach sink. He tries calling again, trying to rationalize that maybe it hadn’t gone through the first time, locker rooms had shaky cell reception, right? But he gets her voicemail once again, glances up at the clock, noting that maybe she was eating lunch or taking a nap, she’d been napping a lot more lately.

“I’m sure she’s fine, Bo!” Hinata says, patting his teammate on the back.

“C’mon, let’s go get something to eat!” Atsumu yells and a few other teammates quickly agree.

Bo lets out a sigh, shaking the thoughts from his head, “yeah, okay.”

*                      * 2:30 PM

Bokuto walks out of the hotel, most of the team already waiting out front, he doesn’t want to get food, he’d rather head back home, but the team is scheduled for a meet and greet tonight. Meaning chances of him leaving before tomorrow morning are slim. He looks down at his phone, an unknown number is calling, but before he can ignore it, the almost paralyzing feeling that weighed him down on the court grips around him.

“Hello?” His voice is shaking, Hinata and Atsumu walk over to him, both lost in whatever they were talking about to notice the shift in Bokuto’s demeanor.

“I’m calling for a Bokuto-san. Is this them?” “Yeah, I’m Boku—” He can’t finish his sentence, his mind racing with various thoughts, negative thoughts dry his mouth, causing a lump in a throat, like his body already knows what he’s about to hear. Hinata looks between him and Atsumu, clearly concerned for his teammate and friend, while Atsumu leans into the other side of the phone, hoping to overhear.

“You’re listed as an emergency contact for a L/N F/N.” There’s a pause that last about five seconds too long for Bokuto’s worried mind.

He doesn’t really hear anything after that, just snippets of the unfamiliar voice on the other side.

There was an accident…

…emergency surgery.

How soon…

…be here?

Atsumu catches Bokuto’s phone as his hand just lets it go, his mind still racing as the color drains from his face. He turns, running back into the hotel, using the stairs to get to his room because his anxious mind couldn’t take the wait for an elevator. Hinata and Atsumu run after him, but all he can hear is the thumping of his heart in his ears, his vision getting blurry from either tears or shock, he’s not too sure.

He fumbles with the keycard to get into the room, all but slamming it against the sensor before flinging the door open. He’s panicked, looking around the room trying to figure out what he needs right now, what should he take, he was never good at this thing, Y/N is always the one who packs things for him.

By the time Hinata and Atsumu have caught up to him, he’s mumbling to himself, Sakusa stepping out of the room next door to see what all the noise is from.

“I’ll fly. I’ll fly back to Osaka.” Bokuto says, looking for his passport, because in his mind airport equals passport.

“That’d take too long Bokuto.” Sakusa slowly steps into the room, trying to reason with him, “by the time you got a flight you could’ve already been back.”

Bokuto looks back towards the door, towards three of his teammates and the expression on his face could break their hearts. His bottom lip is poked out in a worried pout, his hair drooping down, almost like it’s deflated. None of them know what to do or to say, this is Akaashi’s or Y/N’s territory, not theirs.

“The train, Bo. That’s the fastest to get to her.”

He starts nodding, patting his pockets to make sure he has his wallet and quickly grabs a hoodie, as he starts making his way out of the room, his face void of any expression or emotion.

Keys.

Check.

Wallet.

Check.

Phone.

Check.

He pauses, still panicked, “I don’t have my passport. Where is it? I need it!”

Atsumu wants to grab and push Bokuto out of the room, to yell that he doesn’t need a passport to get on the train, but Hinata rushing into the room, swiping it from the inside pocket that lined his duffle bag. It’s where Y/N had told Bo to keep it so he wouldn’t worry about losing it or walking out of the hotel without it and where he’s kept it ever since.

“Here you go.” Hinata hands it to the wing spiker, noting that Bokuto’s eyes look dead, there’s no light in them like usual. “C’mon, let’s get to the train station.”

*                      * 6 PM

Bokuto bolts into the hospital, frantically looking around the sterile white building, breathlessly. He walks up to the first person that he sees in a white coat, not really caring how he looks to anyone.

“I…got a call…”

“Patient name?”

He tells the doctor her name, watching the woman’s face drop just slightly before becoming stoic again. “Let’s go somewhere and talk.”

“After I see her…” His words are desperate, like he’s hanging on from the edge, getting ready to fall at any moment. The pain in his eyes clearly evident to the woman as she tries to figure out what to do, how to handle the situation. “Please.”

“We tried….there wasn’t…I’m sorry…”

He shakes his head, as if the motion alone would change what he’s about to hear, what he’s feared since he got the call. His fingers run through his hair, tugging on it slight to ground him because it feels unreal, like he’s watching this unfold from outside his own body.

“…your losses.”

Bokuto’s attention instantly refocuses, eyes lined with tears that are seconds from falling, such a pathetic expression in his eyes. “What?”

“I just assumed you knew.” The doctor shifts awkwardly on her feet, “it seems she was 11 weeks pregnant.”

*                      * 7:12 PM

“Bokuto-san.”

Bokuto’s sitting next to the hospital bed where Y/N is, holding her hand, half asleep, the mix of crying and the adrenaline wearing off has drained him. He’s been there practically since he arrived, refusing to leave her, refusing to accept that she’s anything but sleeping.

“Bokuto-san.”

He looks up, eyes red and puffy, his nose stuffy as he breathes through it, turning slightly to see the owner of the voice, never letting go of her hand. Though it doesn’t feel like her hand, it’s cold which isn’t unlike her, she’s always been warm. She brought a warmth to Bokuto’s life and he’s not sure he’s ready to let it go, he’s not sure that he can let go.

Akaashi walks in the room, placing a hand on Bo’s right shoulder, “Bokuto-san, let’s get you home.”

“I can’t…leave her…here.” He starts choking on the sobs that rip through his throat, “she won’t know where she is.”

“I know, but it’s getting late.”

“We can go…after she wakes up, okay? Yeah, yeah,” his voice raises a little bit, like he’s satisfied with the idea he’s come up with, “that way…I can let her…know I’ll be back.”

Akaashi takes a deep breath, he thought he’d seen every side of Bokuto, that he knew all of his weaknesses and strengths, that he was the one of the few people that could ground Bokuto, but he’s out of his element here. How do you tell your best friend the love of his life isn’t going to wake up?

“Boku—” “Aka—Keiji,” He steadies his breath, a small sob cracks his voice, “I know…she’s gone, but once I leave we won’t be a family of three, it’ll just…it’ll just be me.”

Akaashi feels his own tears starting to form, trying to blink them away, he has to be strong for his best friend. He squeezes his hand on Bokuto’s shoulder when he feels him start to tremble, to shake underneath him, cries filling the room. He wants to tell Bokuto that it’s time to leave, that they really need to be going, but how do you take someone away from something that wasn’t theirs yet?

*                      * Present Day

Bokuto’s never really believed in a higher power, he doesn’t give much thought to horoscopes or pay any attention when people swear they had “feelings” about something, but looking back on that day, something didn’t sit right in his stomach after their call ended. And that’s something that has plagued his thoughts ever since.

If only he had called her back, begged for her to just miss the appointment, maybe…maybe she wouldn’t have…

He shakes his head, tears trailing his cheeks, he knows it won’t do him any good to think that way, but how could he not? Looking back, he knows something was trying to tell him to stop her, but he didn’t, he just let her go and this was the outcome of his choice.

“Sorry I didn’t come for a few days, we had another away game, but Akaashi told me that he came a few times to keep you company.” He wipes the tears, smearing this across his face. “I’ve gotten better at packing my bags now, though Sakusa still brings extra toiletries for me.”

He tilts his head to the side, realizing that sometimes if he stopped thinking, it still felt like she was there, so much of her still part of his daily interactions, bits of her still sprinkled through his decisions.

Laundry’s still done on Wednesdays because she liked doing it in the middle of the week.

Take-out for dinner on Saturdays because that was always their at-home date night.

Passport can still be found in the lining pocket of his duffle bag when he’s traveling.

Her favorite tea brand is still in the cabinets because Bokuto still brews it just so the house smells like her.

“I was picked to play on the Japan National Team in the Olympics this year, Y/N. You always said I could do it.” He fumbles in his pocket, grabbing the small item that’s been weighing down on him. “I never told you, but I had big plans for if I made it to the Olympics.”

Bokuto places a small black velvet box on top of the tombstone, his fingers dragging across the smooth surface, letting his hand fall when it reaches the end. He whispers that he loves her one more time before he heads back to the parking lot, Kuroo was waiting there. Even without her around, he was never alone, not really, one of his friends was always finding an excuse to stay with him which he didn’t mind.

It hurts, hurts to try to figure out a life without her, knowing that if things had been different they’d be getting ready for a baby. Part of him wants to fall apart acknowledging that, knowing that in some alternate universe she’s his wife and mother of his child, that he’s a dad, but he can’t because it feels wrong to mourn over something that was never his to begin with.

#haikyuu!! #hq bokuto #bokuto kotaro #hq bokuto x reader #bokuto x reader #bokuto x female reader #bokuto angst #hq angst #no fluff here #pure angst #tw angst #tw character death #tw loss of a loved one #tw grief #tw mourning #tw loss of pregnancy #reader death #tw reader death #bokuto kōtarō x reader

[strangestdiary]

under your spell | nandor the relentless

relationship: Nandor/Fem!Reader

request: Hi! Are you still taking requests? If so can I request a jealous!Nandor x reader? 

words: 2.7k

warnings: Angst, asshole dates, fluff

A/N: I feel like the jealousy isn’t really there but I hope you still like it. 

REQUESTS ARE OPEN

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Nandor noticed there was something different about you today. Having come for his daily visit just as it went dark outside, you had only given him a hello before stalking back over to your closet to nervously comb through your clothes asking what looked better before throwing it into the steadily growing pile. You kept sighing to yourself, mumbling under your breath that you needed a little more color in your wardrobe. He found it strange how urgent you seemed to be, the sweat beading on your forehead being proof enough that you were working yourself up over something seemingly very important to you. 

Since you were Nandor’s first actual human friend in a few centuries give or take he couldn’t help but feel like he was out of the loop, confusion and curiosity pecking at the back of his head. He shifted his legs so they crossed, leaning back in your desk chair and watched as you groan yet again, running your hands over your face. 

“So what exactly is all of this about?” Nandor asked, your frenzied state leaving a tinge of worry as he watched you. Watching you take a blouse he had never seen you in before off it’s hanger with a sigh mumbling how ‘this should do’. 

You glanced over at him, noting how it would almost look like he was floating if it weren’t for the pink back of the desk chair poking out from behind him every so often when he moved from side to side idly. “Chloe set me up on a date with her friend, I sort of know him from when he would come hang out with us sometimes.” You turned back around to your closet again, kneeling down to look for a pair of shoes that would actually look decent with the shirt clutched in your hand. “This is the first actual date I’ve been on in like a year so I’m kind of freaking out if that wasn’t already noticeable.” Your tone of voice was heavy with self depreciation, a chuckle following afterwards to smooth it all down. “He’s nice though. I just hope I don’t screw it up.”

Nandor swore he almost felt his dead heart sink a little, a date? “Interesting.” Was all Nandor found himself saying, he was kind of shocked to even think of the idea of you going on a date. Sure he knew you had human friends and that you didn’t just talk to him or Nadja but it was hard to think of you going on a date with someone. Even then he couldn’t help but scowl, why would some human you barely knew be more important than him? He could offer far more than some weak mortal that your friend had paired you with. Nandor wondered just how interesting this man had to be in order for you to skip a night with himself. 

Nandor’s bitter train of thought was cut off by your voice “I hope you don’t mind. I mean I know we usually have movie nights tonight but he said that tonight was the only good night for him.” You sounded so genuinely apologetic.

Nandor shifted in the small chair as you awaited his response “It is okay. I will just ask Guillermo to watch the Pet Semeteries with me instead. You can go on your little human date.” His response was a lot more defensive than you had hoped, it made your stomach knot slightly, feeling bad for flaking on Nandor without warning. Especially since this was your designated movie night. You couldn’t help but still feel bad though like in a way you had betrayed him especially since Nandor was one of your closest friends, someone you usually told everything to.

“I promise I’ll make it up to you Nandor.” You walked over to him, his head tilting up only barely to look up at you putting on a closed smile that didn’t meet his eyes. A strange aching feeling growing in his chest, even with your promise he still couldn’t help but still feel disappointed. You were giving up your time with him for some puny human man? He wanted to hiss at the thought. 

“It is okay, I understand.” He stood from the desk chair and patted you on the bicep twice, a certain awkwardness to the gesture. “Now if you excuse me I will make my way back home, I have important things to do as well.” The tone of his voice completely betrayed what he was saying, blatantly trying to guilt you out of the date all together. 

You couldn’t help but smile up at him, feeling a distant ache of your own resting in your heart. “I’ll see you tomorrow Nandor, and to make up for skipping movie night I’ll let you pick out two movies to watch.” Before he turned his back to you and walked out the door you grabbed his hand, his cold skin comforting in your night of nervousness “I really am sorry.” 

Nandor’s eyes were on your joined hands, a certain fluttering feeling ripping through his stomach. “I- It’s okay.” His gaze lifted up to catch your eyes, a soft smile stretching across his lips before slowly releasing your hand from his own. “I will see you tomorrow.” 

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You had finally gotten ready after Nandor left and drove to the restaurant you and Daniel were meant to meet at. This wasn’t your first time meeting him but it was the first time you had been alone with him, usually Chloe being there as well as some other friends. 

He had seemed kind and caring and like he was genuinely interested in you when Chloe was around, and according to her he had practically begged her to score this date with you. You had liked him then but when he sat himself down in front of you now, there was something different about him. The smile he gave you made your skin prick uncomfortably but you brushed it off thinking it was merely first date jitters. 

You smiled back at him, looking at him fully. “You look good.” you complimented truthful in your words, noticing how the grey button up he wore brought out the freckles sprinkling his skin. His hair was styled nicely, looking soft and fluffy. You noticed his nails were painted notably a while ago given how chipped the black coating was now, it reminded you of Laszlo for a second. 

He looked at you over the top of the menu, a brow raised in question “Thanks.” He replied with a slightly cocky tone, setting the menu down in front of him. “You look nice too.” He gestured to you.

You felt your chest swell with pride, maybe tonight would go a little better than you had previously thought. Your nervousness melted away in the moment as you glanced down at the menu. 

Though unfortunately it wasn’t long before Daniel began to show his true colors, slipping in condescending remarks and a teasing chuckle any time you would talk about something you were interested in, only to cut you off to talk about him more and more. You couldn’t help but sigh audibly as he droned on about his extensive research on war history, specifically the second world war, it almost made you think Colin had somehow learned how to shapeshift but you also knew that Colin had the decency to at least be a tad bit respectful. 

“So what’s your favorite film?” He asked, “Mine is probably pulp fiction. You know the way Tarantino just knows how to make a good film is just amazing.”

You shrugged your shoulders lightly, mulling over the question “I don’t know, probably something horror, it’s hard to choose.” 

Daniel groaned before shaking his head “I don’t understand why people watch that shit, I mean why do people want to get scared on purpose?” He smiled over at you, “I mean seriously it just seems stupid. I personally hate horror movies, and the gore.” He let out a sigh and shook his head again as if disgusted with even the idea of horror movies “I just don’t get how people watch that stuff without feeling sick.” 

After that it just seemed like he wouldn’t stop talking, topic after topic he dominated with his overbearing opinions. Anything you expressed interest in he would belittle, undermining them and making them seem lesser than his own, and yet he still smiled over at you as if you were supposed to be having fun. 

“How about we get outta here? I can take you back to my place.” He reached over the table to grab your hand, you instinctively pulled away from him. Disgust settling like a rock in your stomach. “Come on, don’t act like that.” He chuckled. There was something in his eyes that unsettled you more than anything that night. “I could show you a really good time.” He reached for your hand again, fingers wrapping around your wrist blunt nails biting into your skin.

You grabbed your bag, backing up in your chair feeling your eyes sting, wrenching your wrist out of his hand. “N- no that’s fine actually. I have someone who’s coming to pick me up.” You stumbled over the chair leg a little when you stood ignoring his exasperated huff before trying to convince you to sit back down. You shakily tore money from your wallet not even bothering to count it before throwing it next to your unfinished drink and rushing away from the table. 

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You burst through the gothic Staten Island home with a sob, having held it in the whole drive to the house as a way to avoid crashing your car. Relief briefly filled you as you noticed there was nobody in the foyer to witness your much less than presentable state. With how quiet the home was you assumed nobody was even home, but either way you still rushed to Nandor’s room hoping to seek some type of solace after your disastrous night. There was a certain lightness that you felt in your heart at the thought of Nandor being there for you, a flutter in your chest. 

Once you opened the door you couldn’t help but let out a relieved sigh that he was standing at his antique writing desk that you had bought him as a birthday gift just two years ago. He spun on his heels letting out a surprised gasp “Is it Halloween already?” he said before noticing it was just you. 

You let out a teary laugh sniffling grossly, Nandor did a double take before realizing the messy tears and black streaks running down your face. A certain type of rage settled over him like a shadow, who had done this to you? His kind and caring human trembling at his door. 

Nandor walked over to where you stood grabbing your hand gently and ushering you over to the small loveseat sitting in the corner of his room, more of a decorative piece than used for actual comfort. You didn’t miss the dust that picked up around the both of you as you sat down. “What creature did this to you?” There was a darkness in his voice, a threatening look washed over his features. 

“Daniel…” You spat, the night replaying in your head. For a second you had wondered if you were overreacting. Maybe it wasn’t that big of a deal and you were pushing it out of proportion, but you couldn’t help but feel that disgusting crawl on your skin where he had touched. He had seemed like such a nice person the other times you had met him, why was he so different now? What had changed? 

Nandor remembered now, your human date that you had been so nervous about a few hours prior. He felt one of his hands curl into a fist, a certain type of anger he couldn’t place overcoming him. Some worthless human had hurt you this badly, the pain he wished to bring this Daniel was unthinkable. 

You sniffled again wiping your nose with the back of your hand before forcing out a pitiful laugh, a painful sound to Nandor’s ears “I’m sorry for coming here… I’m probably just overreacting.” You shook your head at yourself before giving him a strained smile,. “He was just a jerk... I’m probably being stupid.” 

Nandor’s dead heart aches when hearing you speak, why were you sorry? You were clearly hurt so why did you feel so apologetic when someone else had hurt you. “It is not your place to say sorry, Y/N.” Nandor reasoned. His hand came up to cup your face, thumb raking over your stained cheek. “I am here if you wish to tell me about your date.” He almost sounded reluctant to say the word itself. 

You smiled at him a few more tears slipping from your eyes at his gentleness, a complete contrast to the other man you had tortured yourself with, but you guessed it wasn’t your fault. “He was awful.” You started “And he didn’t shut his mouth. All he did was look at me like I was a piece of meat.” You vented to Nandor for almost two hours, his attention never venturing away from you. He gripped onto every word you said, not even interrupting to say a quip of his own like usual. 

Once you were done and your second round of tears had finally dried Nandor smiled at you sweetly, his thumb caressing the top of your hand. “Well if you would like. Maybe some night I could take you on a real date.” You tensed up a little, taken by surprise yet again that night, but for a completely different reason. 

Never in your time knowing him had you ever considered the possibility of Nandor uttering words quite like that. He wanted to go on a date… with you? A human? He looked at you with such sincerity you felt your heart swell. You had suspected your feelings for Nandor for a while now but never even thought about pursuing them given how your mortality circumstances. You had always assumed he would look down on something so taboo as a vampire dating a human. 

“You look like a soul sucking ghoul just entered the room.” Nandor commented squeezing your hand in his. 

“Those exist?” You couldn’t help but ask, a laugh following. You felt winded looking into Nandor’s adoring eyes. “I didn’t even think you would be into the whole human vampire thing.” His face twisted slightly before smoothing back over.

“I wasn’t really… Not before I met you I’ve come to realize.” He said “I’m not one to judge but it wasn’t really my type of thing, but after Nadja had brought you to the house for the first time. Then when we actually became friends, well I guess my perspective began to shift.” Your stomach felt like it was doing flips, a smile coming to your lips. 

You intertwined your fingers with Nandor’s, nodding your head after considering his heavy hitting words “I would love to go on a date with you Nandor.” Your eyes were stinging once again “I mean in a way I’m sure I’ve always had feelings for you since we first met.” You confessed thinking back to the time you saw him for the first time only four years ago, your nervousness and Nadja’s encouraging words before hissing at Laszlo who assumed you were meant to be food. 

Nandor hoisted you up off the dusty loveseat with a wide smile spreading across his face “Wonderful! Let’s go.” 

“What right now?” You asked as he dragged you towards his bedroom door and down the hall to the foyer where Colin was rounding the corner. It only took a second to remember how messy you probably looked, knowing your makeup was probably ruined and stained against your cheeks. 

“Yes! There’s still three more hours until daylight!” Nandor enthused, grinning at you over his shoulder. 

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