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midasinc · 3 years

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les amis and toxic traits (affectionate and derogatory):

-courfeyrac has a bad habit of being on his phone when he's with friends. he's mostly either just swiping through his dating app or texting someone on his dating app and he isn't aware that it's really rude. he's also really bad about borrowing money and not giving it back. if he asks for a couple euro for the metro, you will never get it back. he comes from a rich background and money is something that he forgets not everybody has. feuilly is the only one who holds him accountable for it because "i bought you a drink at the pub two weeks ago and you still owe me and i need to pay rent this week :/"

-enjolras is a pen clicker. oh. my god. he clicks pens at the speed of light and if someone asks him to stop, he'll apologize but then start again like thirty seconds later. it is so. fucking. annoying. also i love him but he's really self-righteous and won't admit when he's wrong. when someone has an opinion that differs his own, he can only see things in black or white. you're on his side, or you're wrong. this also applies to other's and their choices in what they do. he always donates the extra euro when he's checking out at a store for whatever donation project is going and if you don't he will give you the stink eye and publicly ask why you won't. no recyclable grocery bags? he will call you out and badger you until you buy one. you accidentally left the light on when you exited the room? oh my god. he has such good intentions but he forgets that not everybody might be as financially secure as him and not everybody is thinking about it at all times. he wants what's good for the world but it really gets on other people's nerves sometimes

-joly is really similar to enjolras in the sense that he calls people out for their health choices without thinking about their situation. he's getting better about it, but he has criticized grantaire to hell and back about all of his bad habits and not in a nice way. he's really harsh when someone is self-destructive or literally just picks like a soda at a restaurant over water. he wants his friends to be healthy but jesus fucking christ dude. no one asked for your opinion, now is not the time.

-feuilly only eats frozen meals. he only lives on lean cuisines. JEHBJWEHRWJH but also this dude smokes cigs a lot and forgets that smoke and tobacco makes some people feel sick or nauseated. he smokes in his apartment even when people are over and doesn't really think it's that big of a problem. enter: enjolras, who has asthma, and just walked through a cloud and starts hacking. anyway, he also gets really defensive when people call him out on it. it's his choice to smoke and whenever someone is like "hey maybe you might want to cut back" when he's buying a new pack of smokes after buying one three days before, he'll get super snappy and rude because it feels like an attack on him

-speaking of nicotine! jehan vapes and i have no room to speak on this subject bc let's not talk about my juul but they are in denial that it's also a problem. they're like "it's healthy shut up" but will go through pods so fast that it's genuinely comparable to feuilly's same bad habit. they started juuling bc they thought the flavours were yummy and it was cool and oh my god. jehan is also really blunt with their sense of humour and doesn't realize that not everybody thinks its funny. walking into a room and just being like "lmaoooo grantaire you look like shit today" and everybody is kind of like "...hm". combeferre is actually good about calling them out on that sort of stuff, though. if jehan realizes they're in the wrong, they'll apologize

-combeferre is. such. a fucking. movie talker. he just has so much to say at every minute of the movie and it's the worst (this is also me so self-roast). nobody likes to watch movies with him because "dude we just want to watch the fucking movie oh my god". he's also really pretentious and a gatekeeper. if you like the same band as him "oh really? well name three songs-" in a way that makes whoever he's feeling to feel stupid. combeferre really prides himself on his intellect, but it goes too far most of the time and it just comes across as super condescending and a lot of people get annoyed talking with him because it just feels like he's talking down at them the whole time

-marius is also super blunt but not in a way that's meant to be funny. he has absolutely walked into a room and gone "oh enjolras your haircut looks so bad im so sorry :(". and similarly to courfeyrac, he forgets the value of money. he's definitely asked people to go somewhere and has said like "yeah! the concert tickets are like 250 euro which is actually super cheap :)" and feuilly is just. dying inside. he intends to be nice, he just says so much stupid shit. he isn't purposely being a bad guy.

-bossuet never re-fills a roll of toilet paper if he's the last to use it. you do not know how annoying it is to room with this guy. grantaire has absolutely shouted "HOW HARD IS IT TO GRAB ANOTHER TUBE???" from the shitter and bossuet just denies it because it embarrasses him. he's also bad about cleaning dishes and will leave a cup in the sink for weeks if it isn't cleaned by someone else or threateningly left in front of his bedroom door. i love u bae but please clean up after yourself

-grantaire is the fucking worst. i love him but he is the worst. he is so self-deprecating to the point where a lot of people just won't be around him because you can only take so much self-pity before it becomes annoying as hell. he's never accepted a compliment and is one of those "omg no my art is so fucking ugly i hate it so much" when someone says they like a sketch or a painting he did and it is just. so annoying. he's also just super bad about caring about him self. baby forgets to shower and wash his hair and wear deodorant and it's like babe. baby. listen- we are not 13 year old boys anymore, we are men and we need to shower. take your zoloft and let's clean up your room <3

-bahorel is a babe but he's too rough with people. he'll slap someone on the back so hard that they choke on their drink. he's also bad about jokes going too far and just being kind of an asshole he'll snatch up something courfeyrac is holding and hold it up high and courf is 5'5 and bahorel is 6'3 and it is just unfair and unfunny and courfeyrac is not laughing and it just gets old so fast. he thinks people are having fun with him but baby they r not. everybody here is givin you the stink eye, just let the bit die

#let's pretend some of these dont extend from me #les mis #les miserables #les amis de l'abc #les amis #modern era #modern au #enjolras #courfeyrac #combeferre #jehan prouvaire #jean prouvaire #jehan #feuilly #bahorel #joly #bossuet #grantaire #les mis headcanons

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danielxricciardo · 3 years

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Can you do one with Max, with 46 and 55 from angst list?

Summary: You are suffering from depression and Max tries to be by your side

Warnings: angst, swearing, mentions of suicide, depression

Word count: 3.6k+

46. “I’ll leave, and the world will move on. I just wish I could see it. See how much better everything is when I’m gone.”

55. “You’re good at finding things. Find me a reason to stay.”

Depression feels like a lot of things.

It feels like sadness, which is what everyone will tell you. It's a pretty common thread.

"I'm worthless."

"Everyone thinks I'm a horrible burden."

So on and so forth.

Everyone in the world is happy but you, and in the end, you are a worthless piece of shit that doesn't belong in this otherwise glorious and happy place. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and you are lying there on your bed in the same unlaundered pair of pajamas, wondering why you are even allowed to keep living any longer. Some meteor strikes or lightning bolts should be reserved for people like you because you are taking up space and oxygen and food and other resources that real, happy, productive people need.

It feels like emptiness. You have all these possibilities and none of them seem interesting. You could do some art, or play some music, but that just doesn't feel right. There's no joy in it. You could have sex with your significant other, but you can't muster up the desire. You could play video games, or read a book. But what's the point? There's no real benefit to all of it but passing the time. You could get up and make lunch. But no, you're not that hungry, and if you close your eyes, time will pass a little faster. You can lie there. That works. It doesn't require active effort to do something fruitless. Everything is as empty and fruitless as lying and staring out your window at the clouds and the shifting shadows of tree branches, and so why do anything else?

It feels like fatigue. Standing up out of your bed requires the same amount of bodily effort as climbing several flights of stairs. Managing to get dressed and walk outside is like running a race. Heaven helps you if you try to go to the store or a friend's house -- that may as well be on the other side of the continent. Every step is heavy. Every muscle motion requires ten times the work it used to. Exercise becomes difficult, and control over your body expires quickly. You become clumsier, so heavy lifting is right out. You daze out randomly, daydreaming, even dozing, so biking or running is hard. You feel most at home when you are entirely relaxed, so you lie down...and don't get up again until something like your bladder compels you.

It feels like a loss of control. You have no idea why your brain and body are doing this. You don't want to feel sad. Nobody wants to feel shitty and tired and empty all the time. People will look at you and say, "It's like you don't want to get better." Those people are idiots. You truly, deeply, from the bottom of your soul, have no idea why this has happened or what to do. It's not logical. It makes no sense. You woke up like this, or it crept in overtime or something like that. It's like a fog, a force of nature that sweeps in, occludes everything, and there's not one thing you can do about it from where you stand. Trying feels like taking a paper fan outside and trying to blow away the morning mist. Someone has tied puppet strings to your brain and is playing this hideous dance with it, and you don't have the scissors to cut them away. The dance doesn't make sense; it's arbitrary and rhythmless. If you had any sort of reasoning behind it, you could take control. But you don't.

It feels like desperation. You can't find a way out. You lie there at night, keening into your pillow like a wounded animal, making all sorts of noises that no human being should be able to make. You claw and scratch at the sheets, or at yourself, as the pain wrings itself out through bodily expression. The tears won't stop. You don't know why. All you know is that it hurts, it really and truly hurts, and you think if it goes on any longer, you're going to die. Right there. Bleed out on the floor. So you grab up your phone, and you call someone at 4 AM, and you beg them to please just make it stop. You bury yourself in books and movies because at least then you can imagine something else than yourself. You read nonstop. You have to have your fix. It's like an addiction, no, more like a life support machine. Otherworlds, fantasies of happiness, and real experiences that aren't your horrible existence become the iron lung keeping air flowing in and out. You are alive because you can stop thinking for a while. Your friends come over to comfort you. Their stories keep you sane and well, like dialysis for all the toxins in you. Your mind has failed at being independent, and now it relies on a thousand little machines to keep itself running. You rely on one machine until another comes to save you. You read books until your friends come by. You stretch out your time with friends until you have to bury yourself in a movie again just to keep the thought of real-life away.

It feels like untamed anger. Your friends can't keep this up forever. You fall further and further, and you eventually start dropping commitments. You have become That Person, the flake that everyone knows will back out. People start getting annoyed at you, annoyed at how they have to spend so much time just keeping you afloat, annoyed at how often you're causing them trouble by constantly disappearing and backing out of appointments, and so on. Your workplace gets annoyed at your lack of productivity. And then you can't take it anymore, and you want to scream at them, grab them by the throat and shake them because IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! You start having twisted fantasies, the ones where you walk up to that person who keeps telling you he can't do this anymore, you're just too unreliable, putting a gun to your head and pulling the trigger. Just to make him know, for once, that FUCK HIM, your problems are REAL, DAMMIT, REAL, and he better FUCKING RESPECT that. And when you're gone, he'll fall to his knees and cry, and he'll say, he wishes he had understood, that he didn't mean to be so unkind, and the scar on his heart from his own failure will remain fresh and knotted for eternity. And then you shake yourself out of the daydream, and you wonder why you have turned into such a horrible person, someone who even considers ending their own life just to spite another human being. Then it creeps back in, the knowledge that the world is getting fed up with you...and the cycle begins again. You start thriving off these daydreams, because at the very least if you can't be happy, you can throw caution to the wind and get the petty, oddly satisfying revenge buried under all those layers of morality that are becoming worn and flaking away. It's just a fantasy, right? And it helps pass the time...

It feels like forever. You have forgotten what it's like to truly be joyful. You can imagine it, but it's not really you in those thoughts. This is who you are. This is your life. This is you.

It feels like you have only one thing truly under your power: your existence. You cannot choose what life throws at you. Your brain and body have betrayed you. Your friends have worn away, and you've fled from your job and any commitments you have.

It feels empowering. You can jump whenever you want.

But he accepted you the way you are. He never reproached you for negatively influencing his mentality or life, even though you knew he felt it too. He always listened to you, he was with you even at 2 in the morning when you were crying on the bathroom floor with your knees to your chest, and you knew it wasn't right. It wasn't right for him to go through, basically, what you were going through. But no matter how much you told him you could do it without his help, Max was coming back more insistently than ever.

He came up with the idea to start therapy. "You have to find out why you feel this way. Go at least once, see how it is, if you don't like it or feel that it doesn't help you, you will give up, okay?" That was a year and a half ago.

The psychologist gave you a diagnosis from the first session: Major Depressive Disorder. Sure you knew what the three words meant, but you didn't know what it meant to have a label on your condition.

"A major depressive disorder is characterized by one or more of these depressive episodes. the diagnosis of major depressive disorder requires depressed mood or anhedonia which is the loss of interest in pleasure and five or more signs or symptoms for the SIGECAPS mnemonic for a 2-week period. (SIGECAPS) Sleep Disturbance, loss of Interest, feeling Guilty, feeling fatigued and low in Energy, having decreased Concentration, decreased or increased Appetite and been agitated and slow and having Suicidal ideation."

It sounds incredible to you. Suicidal thoughts? Not everyone has a thought, somewhere, behind their mind 'What if I disappeared?'

You were prescribed Prozac and Zoloft and it helped. You weren't always sad anymore, you could go to the races with Max and support him as a normal girlfriend does. You apologized to my friends who tried to help me and whose lives you made impossible and you managed to get back to work, from home anyway. Sure, you still had moments when you felt like you weren't 100% yourself but not like before. You did therapy twice a week and the psychologist was happy with your evolution.

But being the stupid ass that you are, you stopped taking the medication. You took the last pill on Friday. Because you were fine. You felt ok, everyone around you told you you were better, you were doing amazing, so you were cured, right? Or so you thought. Saturday was normal. Sunday was not. Your mood and energy were very low. You woke up at like 2 in the afternoon. That is not unusual for you. You’re used to it. You were sad. You were exhausted. You knew that feeling like this was “no excuse” so you tried to force yourself to do it anyway. Typical of your life. You feel like you had already taken so much off work because of the triple-header, you were for three weeks attached to the hips with Max.

The only thing you thought of was dying. And that terrified you. And Max senses something was wrong. But he didn't want to tell something and ending up being wrong and you being upset by his misinterpretation. But, yes, he sensed that you were becoming your old self.

"Hey, babe," he snapped you out of your daydreaming. A tragic one, where you were finally at peace and Max was crying for you. You were on the verge of crying yourself at the mere image of Max in your head. But you pushed it far from your mind, somewhere in a dark corner for you to find it at an appropriate time to fantasize about your dying. "How about we go to a picnic? It's sunny outside."

Yes, the wheater was amazing. It was finally summer and you could go outside and spend some time with Max. But your brain literally is tricking you into thinking you don't deserve to enjoy the sunny day. Why? You don't have an answer.

"I'm not really in the mood, Max. Sorry."

You are not in the mood. That was his affirmation. You are not ok.

"You feeling good?"

"Yeah. Just tired I guess."

"But you just woke up."

You shrugged. He was right. You just woke up, so why do you feel like you were carrying a ton of bricks on your shoulders? You couldn't walk. You almost felt like 18 months ago. And that is when it hit you. And Max, at the same time.

"Still taking your meds, I hope."

Silence. Your mind was like overcrowded and you couldn’t take it anymore. You grabbed your head and pulled your hair because you wanted it to stop. You were thinking that you didn’t know what to think. You didn’t know how to think. You didn’t know how you felt. You were like anxious-depressed-angry-miserable-irritable all in one. Your head was spinning with thoughts. Thoughts were talking over thoughts. So fast that you couldn’t even make out one complete sentence. It was just too much for you to handle. You just wanted someone to kill you.

Max came to you and he hugged you so hard you thought he could crush your bones right there and then. You calmed down eventually. But now you were embarrassed. Because Max saw you, again, at your lowest. Because you promised you'll get better, and for a while, you were better, but now you are fucked and back into square one. All those money on therapy and your pills, for what? For you to stop taking them because you thought you were feeling better? Well, you definitely were not ok, nor you'll be. So, yeah, being fucked sounded good.

Max brought you the medicine and a glass of water. Taking the pills again? For what? The pills only fuel the feeling that everything is fine and that you are a normal person. Nothing was good and you were not a normal person.

But you took the pills. And you looked Max in the eyes and you wanted to die. He seemed crushed. He was sad, devastated, maybe angry but definitely disappointed. In you. Because maybe you don't realize this, but while you were doing good, he was doing great. He knew you could be on your own so he stopped worrying that much, and that could also be seen in his driving. He was winning more races, he was at his best and now he was at his lowest. Because you were at your lowest; co-dependency and shit.

"I'm sorry, baby. I thought I was doing well enough to stop taking the meds," you say in a broken voice but the tears are yet to appear. He stroked your hair and kissed you on your forehead.

"You should have told me. You don't have to go thru this alone. I am here."

"Yeah, you are here. But you don't have to be!" you snapped. Irritability, one thing your depression came with. "I am just a burden for you. And no, this does not come from the fact I stopped taking my pills. You took care of me like I was a child, and, fuck it, you don't deserve this."

"Stop talking like this, alright? If I would suffer from depression you would have done the same thing. You would have taken care of me. Or am I wrong?"

"You are not wrong. To be honest, I don't think I would be here if it wasn't for you, but I don't want you to be. It's obvious that I would never get better. This is me. I am fucked in the head, half wishing I was dead and I am just bringing you down."

"Don't tell me this is a fucking break up, Y/N." he narrows his brows and looks at your features to make sure you were being serious.

“I’ll leave, and the world will move on. I just wish I could see it. See how much better everything is when I’m gone.”

"What the fuck are you talking about? Is this a break-up or a suicidal vocal note?"

You broke down. Crying can be cathartic and healthy, but if it goes on too long it can lock your body in a feeling of despair. Even if your mind works through the problem that caused the crying, because your body is still feeling the physical effects it will cause your mind to revert to the negative state. It's not sadness. It's dread and paralysis. You had a certain feeling of emptiness and purposelessness.

“You’re good at finding things. Find me a reason to stay,” you say between sobs.

"You want me to find you a reason to stay alive or to stay in this relationship? To be frank, I can name a thousand reasons, but it all depends on you."

Max hugs you from behind and you lay your head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat that was stronger than ever. You allowed yourself to inhale Max's scent, a soothing scent you could get drunk on.

"I want to believe you love me. I mean, I love you and I consider you the love of my life, you know? We are so young and I know it doesn't feel like it, but I promise you, I'm gonna marry you someday, even if right now you don't think you're gonna make it till tomorrow. So, yeah, this is reason number one," he said and pressed a kiss to your cheek. "This is not the worst you have been through in life. Remember where you were 18 months ago; you had no idea what was wrong with you. Now you know and you know you can be better. I know you get sick of those pills, but maybe, in the future, you won't need them. Isn't that exciting? This was reason number two," he said and pressed another kiss to your cheek. He was going to do that every time he would give you a reason. "Have you been to all the beautiful places around the world? Sure, you came to a few Grand Prix, but you never saw Great Ocean Road in Australia, you know Daniel promised he would take us there someday. You never saw Pamukkale in Turkey or Japan in Cherry Blossom season or the Blue Lagoon in Iceland. There are many places you need to visit, baby. So, yeah, this was reason number three. I don't know if you want me to continue but I can give you one more reason. Reason number four. Do it for you, baby. You deserve to live and be happy. I know you can be happy and I promise you I will do my best to help you. You just have to take it one step at a time. You just have to let me in. Let me help you, baby."

You turn around, facing him now. You loved him, with all of your heart. You love him for who he is. You love him because he literally came into your life as your lifeline. You love him because he helped you crawl up the deep bottomless abyss of depression. You love him because he had the patience and the audacity to bear with your depression, anxiety, and panic attacks, your phobias, your mood swings, your temperamental and short-tempered nature, your overthinking, your being overprotectiveness, and possessiveness. You love him because never once he thought of giving up on you in your hard times. You love him because he stands by you like a rock of unwavering support and he’s someone you can fall back on. You love him because he listens to you talking non-stop about your past, your pains, your fears, and your losses without complaining even once. You love him because he rediscovered you and helped you find yourself again when you were lost in darkness. You love him because he filled you with confidence and hope and strength and belief and determination. You love him because he believes you are the best when you set your mind on something and no one can stop you from achieving your goals. You love him because he is protective, caring, understanding, loving, and easy to be with while never being too suffocating or taking up your space. You love him because sooner or later he does everything you ask of him and does with his whole attention. You love him because whatever endeavor he engages in, he likes to give his 100% and hates doing half-hearted things. You love him because he can decode the nuances in your voice and judge your mood just perfectly. You love him because he read you like an open book and he can hear your silence. You love him because he never doubts your loyalty, your intentions, your hard work, and your million issues. You love him because no matter how busy he might get he never forgets that you are waiting for his message or his call. You love him because he keeps you in his priorities. You love him because he gave you a passion you never knew you had. You love him because he very strongly believes that you deserve the best of everything. You love him because he is empathic, kind, magnanimous, thoughtful, and down to Earth. You love him because he has eyes for no one but you. You love him because he wants to see you healthy, wealthy, prosperous, famous and he wants you to hold back at nothing, for no one, he wants you to be a Go-Getter. And most importantly you love him because no one ever loved you like he did.

"I will let you in," you say and you kiss him hard. "I'm sorry for the scene I caused."

"Don't be. It happens."

#max verstappen imagine #max verstappen oneshot #max verstappen #f1 fanfiction #f1 oneshot #f1 one shot #f1 2021 #f1 #f1 fandom #f1 x reader #f1 imagine #formula one oneshot #formula one imagine #formula 1 oneshot #formula one #formula 1 #red bull racing

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wh0reafied · 3 years

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MY JOURNEY-

I went to the hospital the first time because i thought i had a tooth infection and was dying. I spent the whole time in a bed crying and wanting to run out of the hospital. I got prescribed antibiotics. They didn’t really make anything better, i convinced myself i was having a deadly allergic reaction to them. I developed vertigo, which i could only believe was caused by a deadly condition- i still believe it is.

I stayed up for days, waking my boyfriend up begging him to call 911. He had to work very early in the mornings- for this i felt bad he had to endure me freaking out. I was feeling my heart being squeezed, like there was a million bricks on my chest- this i knew was a heart attack and i was going to die (or so i believed while feeling this way). I’ve never felt such a feeling in my chest before.

Second trip to the hospital, i rushed through the doors in tears and screaming “help me” “i’m having a heart attack”: of course they didn’t believe me, i had to be seated away from the waiting room because i was scared to be in public like this. The nurse, very kindly sat me down and took my vitals- they were perfect. This is when she explained to me what’s really going on- i’m having panic attacks. After hearing this, the feeling in my chest i had for probably weeks now, magically went away. I felt okay for maybe a few days.

I decided i needed to go back to my moms and get help from the hospital there and be with my family. I couldn’t put the stress any longer on my boyfriend. I stayed over a month in princeton. This is when i started having dissociation. I spent so long thinking i am dying that my body has went into survival mode to protect myself. I started to feel not real. I started to have a feeling that i’m not in my own body, rather watching from a distance. My memories don’t feel like mine.

This is the most scariest feeling, that i would never wish on anybody. it was 24/7. I started taking Zoloft (antidepressant). I went to the hospital over and over. I was convinced I had something very wrong in my brain. My doctor- who’s the most kindest, ordered me a head CT to give me some peace of mind. Of course everything was normal. So what could it be? I got into a vicious cycle of spending literally my whole time awake googling. Every. Single. sensation. in. my. body. I googled it.

I convinced myself- i was SO sure i had glaucoma. There was no doubt in my mind, i was going to go blind. I went to the eye doctor, had a whole check up. Everything is perfect, don’t even need glasses! So what else could it be? More googling.

I stopped going outside, i developed agoraphobia. Going outside is so intense for me, I sometimes can’t even open the door because of my derealization (not thinking i’m real). Some days i can’t even feel my own body. i can’t recognize my own house, it doesn’t feel familiar. Every day i wish this would go away. Its so messed up being so scared you’re going to die but not wanting to live anymore because of being so scared all the time.

Fast forward to now, about 6 months later. I’m awaiting a MRA to be done of my brain and spine, because im now convinced i have a brain aneurysm. I spent my days crying and thinking im going to die any second. I don’t know why this is happening to me- but with the pandemic this is happening to a lot of people.

Health anxiety is very real. Anxiety is very real. it’s not just feeling nervous to go to an interview. it’s thinking you’re dying. it’s feeling REAL symptoms in your body- symptoms you would NEVER think anxiety could cause.

I don’t know why i really wrote all this out for the world, maybe to get it off my chest what i’ve been going through. Thank you to everyone who’s taken the time to read this. A huge thank you to everyone who’s continuing to help me get better. I’m sorry to the friends that call and i ignore you- it’s not you it’s me. i’m sorry to everyone that i’ve caused a whole load of stress to. I hope i find myself again and overcome this mental illness.

If you’re going through mental health issues- please reach out and get help. Don’t let it develop into something big and nasty. I wish i didn’t drown mine with unhealthy coping mechanisms. It’s hard for me to believe i’m not sick psychically- only mentally.

#derealization #dereality #panic attack #panic disorder #health anxiety #mental disorder #mental health #generalized anxiety disorder #diagnosed #yourenotalone

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jeaners84 · 2 years

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This was me, too. No regard for my health or safety. Working 10 hours a day on my feet, often without breaks. In the bar often. Drinking with friends from Thursday through Sunday night and doing shifts at work in between. Relationship hopping after a very painful divorce. An Empath soaking in everyone’s secrets, narcissistic abuse, and pain. Untreated mental and physical illnesses, PTSD, and being “spiritually gifted” (haunted af, lets be real). Undiagnosed ADHD underneath all of it. It was a recipe for disaster - one I am still cleaning up, tbh. It feels like trying to bail out a sinking boat with a solo cup sometimes. And that sucks. I haven’t physically self-harmed since I was a teenager but when my depression kicks into overdrive, the urge is still there. The kitchen knife drawer looks very appealing, every single time. The mental image is enough for me to snag my laptop and move to the opposite end of the house when it happens. I don’t even need to snap rubber bands anymore, but like any addiction - the thoughts are still there. No one has ever truly known how dark the inside of my head can be. That’s not a side of myself that I am proud of. I think part of that is the fact that in the past, when I did reveal those parts of myself, it was always to the wrong people. People who knew how to manipulate my emotions. People I loved unconditionally while not realizing that I was entirely buried underneath their narcissism. But, I’m still here. I’m 37 and didn’t think I’d make it to 30 at one point. I didn’t even want to. I’ve been on Zoloft for 10 years. It helps. I need therapy I’m too much of a puthy to seek, but I’m trying my hand at writing out my trauma. I need a place for all the secrets I never wanted to hold to lay down and die. Wish me luck, I guess. LOL. Everything is one day at a time for me. Mentally, it has to be. If I had given into the urge to die at it’s strongest, I would never have met my love. I wouldn’t have had the last nine years with him. I would never have accomplished one of the hardest things I’ve ever done - completely cutting ties with people and things that were negatively affecting my mental health the most. My physical health is still a mess and mentally, I’m still working through the aftermath of years of abuse. But I’m still here, and I’m pretty proud of that.

#YouAreNotAlone #AlwaysKeepFighting #Depression #SuicidalThoughts #Self-Harm #Mental Illness #Grateful

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phoebehalliwell · 3 years

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if you could give 3 positive and 3 negative personality traits to each of the next gen, what would they be?

ooh love it. okay. we know i talk a lot. A Lot. i’m doing this in waves. first set of siblings under the cut (wcm). 2.9k. ily!

wyatt i think it’s say kind bc like. he genuinely tries really hard to be a nice person. considerate which is kind of the same as kind but again he like. he knows the elders almost killed him as a little kid he knows there’s a world where he does go dark side and that does weigh on him, so he tries to put other’s feelings first as much as possible. and then third positive trait ummmm generous which again is kinda all in the same category but it’s like. like wyatt is insanely talented not just like as a witch tho he’s that too he’s also like really smart but he’s not a dick about it he’s one of those kids who’s always like i’ll help u with your homework! what r u doing after school later! like. he has a wealth of knowledge and he doesn’t just sit on it he likes to share. this is one of the reasons henry jr is also so close with wyatt because like. they both share this genuine love and interest in the study of like old magicks so to speak like. histories of witches and demons etc most classes the rest of the next gen honestly find kinda boring. on the flipside his negative traits would be like um a tendency to play by the book he’s a little too strict not because he necessarily believes in it but more again he wants to stay in line so as not to get you know. murdered or w/e. another negative trait is a i would say wyatt gets like way too overattached, especially in relationships, but it’s not limited to that. yes he’s a jump then fall guy & i’ve written about this before (multiple times), but i also think it’s the same with like innocents. like the fact of the matter is is that you literally cannot save anyone but wyatt has never and will never learn to accept that and i think he gets. he takes it real hard whenever he loses somebody and gets really pissy and closed off in the aftermath. a third negative trait is like. overprotective. like. in my writings he’s not the twice blessed anymore but he’s still wicked powerful, and he’s also like. the eldest. so he kind of feels this burden to protect his family. it doesn’t help that throughout their youth like chris ever the demon hunter always sought out trouble and leo who Really Didn’t Want To Watch Chris Die Again kind of always passed on whatever the mission was to wyatt. which, yeah, gave chris issues, but it also gave wyatt issues! because in his head, it really is his responsibility to handle these things for his family. and, yes, sometimes he can relinquish this power a little bit like not actively hover over his family while they’re demon hunting, but if he’s not you know. actively there, he’s either scrying or he’s sensing (if he can do that idk) and just. he’s got this feeling that anything bad that happens to his family is his fault. like he has this great power, so if someone gets hurt, like, he should have been there because he definitely could have stopped it. however, this energy kinda harshes everyone else’s buzz, which is why the other tend not to involve wyatt in their plotlines too much.

moving on to chris who just for the record i already wrote for but thanks to the beauty of this site i accidentally clicked the wrong button & now it's gone. so. take two! i don't remember what i said. okay so first trait i'm giving him is. i honest to god cannot remember what i said previously no wait that's a lie because i remember now because it was interesting. because i think chris is interesting, and i think that's a good thing. because like. i wouldn't describe him as likeable i would not say he has the personality trait of Likable™ because like. he doesn't. but people still really like him. because he is interesting. like they see him and go huh wow i wanna know what's going on there all in all i think people kinda gravitate towards him. but of course flipside i think he doesn't necessarily choose to become friends with everyone who approaches him i think he tends to be a bit picky just because you know he's so guarded so i think he has friends but no like. really super close friends. so like first negative trait is he kinda appears aloof because i mean. he's kinda gotta lotta issues you know and it's not something you can really easily explain to someone non-magical because magic is so deeply ingrained into who he is (which also adds to the aloofness because there are just certain topics he'll drop certain things he just won't talk about and its not because he doesn't care or anything it's just like. that's a really big reveal and rather that spin some elaborate web of lies i think chris just like straight up does the i can't tell you that bit, which makes him seem you know well like aloof kinda a little bit dickish). and then of course there's also like. like a lot of vulnerability involved in understanding who chris is he really doesn't have any middle layers nothing that sits between the surface mortal chris and the charmed chris with an inferiority complex it's either you know it all or you know. he just seems aloof. but again like. i think he's interesting. so much so that a lot of people are just kinda willing to look past that. so like. a lot of just external relationships. surface level. & then another defining trait of his on the positive side is clever. because like. he's smart. like i think he's a really skilled witch i think he's an excellent spellcaster and then like. i also think he can do math and stuff (in my fic he is a coder so like. yeah.) but i think it's kind of beyond just like Oh He's Smart i think it's the way he applies his brains applies his knowledge that really kind of sets him apart from the rest i think he really is clever. and then third positive i think chris is resourceful. i think like. i think he likes to have a sense of indepence away from his family because like. i mean he is a halliwell and he doesn’t shy away from that but at the same time he doesn’t really want to like. lean on that rest on well the thing is it’s not even his laurels to rest on. he wants to have this sense of independence and he’s actually p good at getting it. like i having him living on his own (so 2 speak, he has like. 4 roommates? i’m p sure) and yeah he’s not super great at it from just like. a living perspective you know but he’s making it i think like paying his own rent all that and yeah like the food he eats isn’t great and his room is kind of always a disaster but like. he’s made it p far i think a lot farther than people thought he could no disrespect. so i think he's really able to take what lifes gives him and make the most out of it i don't think he likes to coast by on others' accomplishments. which kinda segues into the second negative trait which i think you probably could guess he's overly-independent like independent to a fault. because like. i think he really wants to define himself with kinda comes in a two-fold way because like. okay in-family he wants to. okay so like obvi, there's a major drop off in power between him and wyatt. and i think he's always kinda been insecure about it think what on earth caused such a cosmic fuck up that he's just a telekinetic and then his brother is like. a baby god. so i think chris really feels this need to prove himself worth of a place in the warren line like cement his skills as and really say you know i deserve this title. and then flipside!! he really doesn't want to rely on titles you know he doesn't want respect because he's a charmed one or because he's a halliwell he wants respect off his own merits he wants people to know him by his actions not the legacy he carries. (also maybe gives reason for chris to occasionally use the name chris perry in the altered timeline??) and then. kind of building off that negative trait for his third one i'm saying listless because like. i think the crucial difference between the chris from the dark timeline and chris from the light timeline is like. darktl!chris has always had purpose. like yes it's a shitty purpose it's a burden it's too much to place on one boy but he is the last halliwell you know it's like basically all on him to stop wyatt from you know annihilating the world. (someone should probably tell him the cupitches exist in the dark future lmao) you know from like very very early on in his life darktl!chris has known he's destined for something big and honestly he might fail but he's gotta give it the ole college try because this is the world on his shoulders he's gotta put up a good fight for it. lighttl!chris literally does not have that. he does not have some grand, epic purpose, some monumental destiny to fulfill and like. what is he supposed to do, you know? why is he here? and he feels like he should have some epic destiny hmm well no not exactly he wants some epic destiny but he feels like if there were some epic destiny to be had it'd probably pass over him in favor for something better just like everything else in his life does. like why is he here? literally why is he here i mean okay so like disclaimer is that chris in my story is like. 20/21 and um. also a college dropout lmao haha and like. call a spade a spade we're probz looking at some undiagnosed depression here like give him a zoloft he'll be fine but like. chris feels like he's kinda on a raft in the middle of open ocean in a sense like. the best option is to pick a direction and paddle and hope he reaches land but he's literally in open ocean there are no markers no indicators he doesn't know where to go and like. if he picks wrong he's just heading closer and closer to nothing at all emptiness death whatever And There's No Way To Know Which Way Is Towards Land. and if he fucks up, like, he's screwed. shout out to all my early twenty-somethings. woot woot. but yeah. i think chris really wants a sense of purpose that simply put he does not have and honestly? will not be getting. i am not giving him a prophecy. i am not giving him a destiny. he will have to live with that. and, at this point in his life, i think he's doing a p bad job at that. lmao.

melinda!! baby girl. angel. honestly? i'm going to give her kind too because i think a large part of her just really wants to help people. i've previously called her the most-whitelightery of the next gen, & then also she is currently going to school with designs to become a nurse because like. she's also an empath you know and i think she definitely has aspirations to kind of mix her magical and mortal sides find a balance of both worlds and use her magic powers to enhance how she can better care for people in a mortal way. i'd also say she's really understanding. like, she's the third sibling to the wyatt-chris duo And she's an empath like. even if she doesn't get it, she gets it. like. things are complicated relationships are complicated like she can literally feel all sides of the story whenever there's a wyatt-chris-leo argument and like. what? is only one of them right? is only one of them allowed to feel the way they feel? no. she gets it. she all kinda understands where they're coming from. she understands. and then third positive trait she's really loving. like she's not a person who's stingy with her love (in a platonic sense. i think it a romantic sense it gets a lot more complicated because like. as an empath on the first date well it's just too weird man and it's. it's not like she can't keep her feelings sorted it's just like knowing exactly how they feel about her….. like it's weird. pass.) but i think she really like. i think she loves her family i think she loves her friends like. ❤. wow. on the more negative side i think she kind of like. self sacrificial. like she'll goes to the ends of the earth for the people she loves before she ever stops to think about herself. she doesn't. like she won't self advocate she won't draw a line in the sand when it comes to the ones she loves she fails to um. to see how sometimes her needs might actually be more important that others like. like if she loves you she will walk until her feet bleed. like. you have to be real careful because like. if you ask her to do something like she'll do it you can tack on that "but it's fine if no you don't have to" because if she feels your need to have this task done she'll do it. it's for love. but it's not good. (she will also extend this to non-loved ones again if she feels their need their like desperate need because at the end of the day she's a giver. hey kinda like the giving tree. i think she loves that book.) i also think she's just a shade naive and i kind of hesitate to use that word because like. i feel like it implies kind of a lack of worldly experience and like. melinda has seen a lot. but i think she like really does kind of see the world through rose colored glass i think she believes that people are intrinsically good and want to help each other and um. this can kinda tee her up for a lot of heartbreak and/or disillusionment with the world when kinda the reality is placed there right before her and it just kind of blows. i think it kind of hurts fresh every time. and then a third and final negative trait i think she like takes on too much, from an emotional standpoint, and doesn't really give anything back. kinda the same as self-sacrificial, but like with a twist. like, yes, as established, she has a lot of love in her heart, and she will take on her friend's emotional burdens (as well as any other burdens they might have for her) but then kinda gives nothing in return. she's a bit guarded in a sense. because again. this all comes back to the empath thing. kind of build on the dating thing. you really get live feedback on what exactly they think about you when you unpack, and like. melinda can't take that. she's too in her head on how this directly impacts their view of her and then she's just reading them and not focusing on her own problems you know like. like ladies if you've ever hit like. 1:30 in the morning at a slumber party when shit starts going from hehehe chetoh doost lasdkajldf to like. i don't think i could ever reasonably get married because divorce has really been the only constant in my life and i genuinely don't think i could trust another person enough to tie myself to them legally.? that's melinda's mcfuckin time to shine i think she does play therapist/peacemaker like a lot she likes it because again. she likes helping people! especially the people she loves!! but um. she'll never partake the other direction she really doesn't like getting vulnerable herself because like. you know if your friends are lying to you like you say something really personal and then cap it off with a y'know? and they all go yeah totally but you can feel them going what,,, the fuck. no?? like. like melinda could not take that it has not happened to her yet (probably) but she's come up with the hypothetical and she could not take that. this doesn't really extend to family just because she knows them so long like oh what chris thinks she's lame? okay. wyatt thinks she's overreacting? yeah i know what i've seen buddyboy. & then. for the record. neither or her brothers would never think she is lame or overreacting even If melinda is being lame or overreacting because they just like wouldn't they know her too well. but melinda's def the person who comes up with worst case hypotheticals in regards to her relationship/empathy powers like. all the time.

#i'm lying it's not actually 2.9k it's only 2889 but like. like. :| : )!!#charmed #next gen #charmed next generation #wyatt halliwell #chris halliwell #melinda halliwell #margaretsminiessays #💌

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da-at-ass · 3 years

Text

Having Mental Illness

It's hard to talk about my experience with mental illness sometimes because I'm not diagnosed by a professional for "everything I have." For instance, in my household we all know that I have depression and anxiety, but it's not really nailed down on my medical chart whether I have Generalized Anxiety or Major Depression. I've talked to my doctor about my anxiety, my "moods" as it is usually termed in the doctor's office, and had my spouse at my side during the discussions, and been prescribed Zoloft for my symptoms even, and the takeaway has been:

My doctor doesn't want to diagnose me with a mental illness, because no one wants to figure out what the insurance will do. Or what the protocols for it are. Or what the exact diagnosis should be. My therapist had further insight there: finding someone who can make the right diagnosis for me is one thing. But there could be several different diagnoses for what I could have, depending on what treatment plan they wanted to bill for, or what my insurance covers, WHICH CAN CHANGE.

And all this time, we're just trying to live this and figure out how to do right by me and the body and brain I have.

It's why I keep thinking I need to explain myself here. There's no catch-all term for whatever it is that I have. There's a lot of medical interactions between my hormones, my mood, my sleep cycle, and my information processing ability. Sometimes at 2AM I decide it's time to read a paranormal encyclopedia, and that's just because my body is not going to be good at doing anything else at that time, because that's what the chemicals in my body say to do.

So, I mentioned my hormones--one reason I've been quiet is because I don't want people to think that transitioning will cause you harm or that transitioning people are "crazy." But I've had some severe mental health effects from my hormones being way off-balance at times, and I'm finally able to talk about it. One reason I'm able to talk about it again? I'm finally GETTING my hormones.

Last year when I switched to topical rub-on testosterone instead of intramuscular injection, it was because I was unable to do the shots anymore. My needle fears ramped up and I had to switch over. Well, turns out the absorption was never working right for me because I was getting allergy injections in the same area as I was rubbing the cream on, and apparently the testosterone got into my bloodstream instead of the lymph system, and made my levels seem incorrect? Gods it was nuts. Anyway my insurance cancelled rub-on hormones on January 1 with no warning anyway, so it's a good thing I was planning to switch to subcutaneous injection. Which I did yesterday after being without my rub-on hormones for 3 days.

My body feels like a submarine that goes up to get air and down to dive below at times completely dependent on my hormone levels and nothing else, and my hormone levels basically all last year were bonkers. It destroyed my sense of time right as I and everyone else were all locked in our homes. My stress has ramped with the news cycles, making me unable to sleep some nights until my body finally exits hypervigilance.

There's not a cure for this, or any single diagnosis, or a treatment other than to take care of myself and keep going.

I'll keep going.

I want to open up more about my mental illness experience, and what it does and how I get through it, but I'm going to warn you that my mental illness doesn't follow the discourse. It fucks the discourse. I'm a person who has decided to stop driving because I don't like how I might react to the unexpected behind the wheel, and I still vote, I make big financial decisions, heck I make winning investment picks. Sometimes I can't walk out my front door, and it's not for any logical reason, and I even know logically with my brain at the time that nothing bad will happen if I go outside. Still, sometimes I can't walk out my front door, and in those times I realize that I don't actually have to. Because last year we as a household realized that I could no longer do the things I'd done all the previous years before, that something in my mind and body had drawn a line and said I couldn't go ignore those boundaries anymore.

I can't watch TV like a "normal person." Ads really mess with me and so I often avoid commercial television, for instance. But I also have trouble sitting down and absorbing something on a screen, I'll often have to walk around, or I'll need to watch the show out of order, or see it "filtered" through commentary or memes, because that's how my brain decided I was processing that day. But the conversation I have with my spouse about the subject at the end of the day is still rich and fulfilling, because I'm still having an experience of the subject, be it a show or a video game or a news event. I just take it in in a very particular way, and sometimes that way changes depending on my mood and a bunch of other factors.

Heck, my diet changes how much I can focus and think. We're still figuring out what does what. There's a lot of rabbit holes to chase down. At some point we discuss what's worth putting up with versus what actually needs treatment, because when things aren't very clear-cut you need to prioritize. Also, having a lot of different medical issues at once means that you sometimes get overwhelmed and don't know what order to address it all in.

I communicate in GIF and youtube format on here sometimes because I don't really have a way to articulate the feeling or thought I have other than to show something that seems to encompass it all in an abstract or more psyche-oriented way. I really enjoy being able to do that here, and to get out the things I really want to express in an environment where people let me experiment with communication. Thanks to all of you for that. Except the bots. You're not sentient, and that's kind of weird.

Oh yeah. Mental illness and its interaction with hormones. Are completely ruining my ability to plan things and have been for like half a year now. So thank. For your pati. Ence.

#about: me

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lawschoolruinedme · 3 years

Text

I just need to write. To seek clarity. To figure it out.

We have been in “lockdown” “stay at home” whatever else you want to call it since pre-Christmas. It hasn’t actually changed what our day to day life looks like. But somehow the optics of “yeah we’re still in lockdown” has become almost a mantra to my husband and I cannot help but feel it feeds his cycle of depression.

I do not know if the therapist was ever real. I do know he’s not talking to anyone anymore.

I do not know if the online dad group was ever real. I do know he doesn’t talk about them anymore.

I am on zoloft for my anxiety. It has helped me manage the worst of it and loosened the cloud of depression that had me feeling paralyzed and trapped and unable to do any of the things that made me happy.

I have tried to suggest to my husband that he seek help for depression. He cites a tragic incident with his grandmother taking too many anti depressants as the reason he simply cannot. Suggestions that he speak to our doctor about this phobia and alternatives are unheeded. I have even offered to make the appointment for him. He has not taken me up on it.

The phrase unprecedented times makes me gag. Because this is external stress. There will always be external stress. And we have to figure out how to deal with it, as best we can.

He tells me every few weeks now that “the only reason I haven’t gone to that dark place is you and our kid”.

But his progress has stagnated these past four months. Pleas to pay attention to the spending. To pay attention to the number of cases he is going through have gone unanswered.

I have caught him pretending to be on the phone when I poke my head into the basement to check on him. He fakes having a phone call so I don’t see him hunched over his phone. Scrolling facebook. Or porn.

Like, porn doesn’t bother me? (Consensual, adults have been paid to make this porn). But I worry that his addictive tendencies have found a new thing to latch on to. He loses time downstairs. I have suggested I am worried. That the addiction centres of his brain may have latched on to this thing too.

He listens. He doesn’t lash out at me. He thanks me for my concern and love.

And yet. Nothing has changed.

Sometimes I wonder if he has figured out that saying the words is the best way to placate me. To say he will try. To say he is ‘working on it’ or ‘almost ready to deal with it.’

Sometimes - and I know I’m a horrible person for thinking this - I lay there and think my life would be easier if the alcohol or the smoking just took him. Then he would be gone, and it would be sad, but it would be over and we could just remember the happy parts. Leave the sad parts behind us.

That’s what it’s like with my Mom. Our relationship was complicated. But it’s easier to think rosy thoughts about what life would be like if she were still here now that she’s not. Rather than wondering if I would have had to moderate her time with my child because of her drinking.

I have heard that if you are thinking of leaving, you should have already left.

I don’t know where my breaking point is. I don’t know how to extricate someone I’ve been with for 11 years. I don’t know when it’s fair to give up on someone you married knowing they were an addict.

I don’t know what I want, or if this is just what I have to accept.

#personal

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rextasywrites · 3 years

Text

Little Darling 5 - a Lady Dimitrescu x Mia Winters fanfiction

"Mia’s throat felt rough and sore, as if she had caught a cold. Her eyes felt swollen, a good hard cry had probably been the source of it. But when did she cry? Slowly, her vision came back, and she was back in the room she had spent the night in. To her surprise, Bela was standing in a corner, watching her with concerned eyes. “Mother told me to watch over you while she prepares something for you.”, she told the still confused Mia."

does Lady Dimitrescu finally show her real self? how does Mia cope with all the stress of the past few weeks?

thank you all for reading this series! it keeps me excited and on my toes to write for you! if you ever have any ideas or requests, you can hmu on twitter and tumblr under @ rexytasywrites ! love yall <3 <3 <3

Warnings: mental illnesses deluxe

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4

Mia couldn’t stand the basement much longer. With a broken ‘sorry’, she ran to the staircase, up and into the garden close by, dry heaving against a thousand years old tree. The more things change, the more they stay the same. Mia couldn’t escape the past as much as she tried to tune it off, try to forget it.

On a good day, she woke up with a nightmare while Ethan was snoring soundly next to her. Well, he wasn’t locked in a basement for three years. She acknowledged his scars and his own trauma, but it pale to what Eveline did to the Bakers and her. Alan was a lucky guy, noping out the world before he could experience the pain and dread, getting away with a blue eye and vomiting his guts out.

On a bad day, Mia couldn’t leave the bathroom for hours. She felt the mold growing under her skin, turning her skin black and blue. It grew through her stomach into her throat, weak attempts to purge it out resulted in even more pain. Ethan always stayed by her side when she had a bad day, telling her that her skin wasn’t turning into all colours of the rainbow. Most of the time, her trustful pills helped her, the dizziness clouding her mind just good enough to let her forget what happened.

Ever since, Mia couldn’t eat meat anymore. It reminded her too much of the ‘food’ she had to eat in the basement, forced down her throat by Marguerite. Food poisoning was a monthly event she never looked forward to. Only thanks to Eveline, Mia didn’t perish a few months in. On one side, this monster saved her life - and that was the price?

“Mia.”, Lady Dimitrescu had shown up behind her, concern and worry radiating from her. “Mia, speak with me. What’s the matter?”

“The mold. I can feel it. It’s still growing. Oh Alcina, help me please!”, Mia whimpered out, burying her face in the dress of the tall woman in front of her. Cold tears soaked the fabric, and everything went black in front of Mia’s vision.

Mia’s throat felt rough and sore, as if she had caught a cold. Her eyes felt swollen, a good hard cry had probably been the source of it. But when did she cry? Slowly, her vision came back, and she was back in the room she had spent the night in. To her surprise, Bela was standing in a corner, watching her with concerned eyes. “Mother told me to watch over you while she prepares something for you.”, she told the still confused Mia.

“Thank you…”

“There’s a glass of water on the bedside table. And some painkillers. Selfmade by Daniela! Don’t take too much or you will be high as hell for the rest of the day.”, Bela warned her, a chuckle coming from Mia.

“I actually wouldn’t mind that. Hey, I have another medication in my bag. Can you maybe fetch it for me?”, Mia asked Bela as she didn’t trust her legs just yet. Bela looked through Mia’s bag and found the package with zoloft in them, handing it to her.

“Do you need anything else?”

“Something small to eat, otherwise my stomach will turn itself over.”

Bela nodded and disappeared for a few minutes out of the room. She came back with something similar to a bread roll with ham and cheese, probably the romanian version of it. Screw it, everything was a good meal compared to the toxic waste she got at the Baker’s house. Once Mia bit into the bread roll, she remembered that she hadn’t eaten yet and her stomach screamed for something to eat.

Lady Dimitrescu joined Mia after finishing her meal, sitting on the edge of the bed, “How are you feeling, dearest? While you cried into my arms you passed out! I was so worried about you.”

Mia chuckled in embarrassment, a faint blush spreading over her face, “I am feeling better now, thank you. Bela made me a good sandwich, I should thank her for this later on.”

“Here.”, Lady Dimitrescu placed a little bag in Mia’s palm, making her close her fingers around it. “When I was young, my mother made me little bags of lavender, camille and jasmin. I was a nervous child, and these smells helped me calm down. Whenever you are feeling angry, exhausted, or simply alone...smell the bag and know I am here for you when you call me.”

“Wow...thank you Alcina.”, Mia smiled and took a whiff from the bag. It surely smelt...comforting. The smell gave her body the same reaction as a good hug. And how badly she needed some comfort and touch… “You need to know, sometimes when it all becomes too much...my body just shuts down.”, Mia confessed, her eyes still on the bag. “I just pass out. Maybe it’s my body’s way of protecting me? I don’t know.”

“It is. Your body knows you are a precious woman with a bright future ahead of you. And I will help you achieve that.”, Lady Dimitrescu said, earning a raised eyebrow from Mia.

“What do you mean, Alcina?”

“Don’t you think we’d make a great team? My daughters, you, I...you are brilliant and clever. Just the missing link for us to make us unstoppable. Remember what you said about taking over the world? We could do that together...and nothing and no one could stop us once we saved Rosy and killed Redfield.”

For a moment, the lump in Mia’s throat felt like it was going to explode. What...what did she mean with that? Work together? Would she try to turn her into a vampire too? “I...I don’t know if that’s a good idea! I just want my old life back! I want to go home with Ethan and Rosy and cuddle in front of the TV while eating junk food…”, as the tears welled up in her eyes. She’d never come home at this rate. The closer Mia thought she was coming to a home, the further it was ripped away from her.

“It’s okay. Just...keep that in the back of your head. It’s always an option. And now come on. We need to make a battle plan to get Rosy back and Ethan out of whatever dumbassery he got himself into.”, but Lady Dimitrescu couldn’t deny that Mia smelt very invitingly. A neck to dive right into. Maybe she’d take her chance...

#lady dimitrescu #mia winters #resident evil #resident evil 8 #resident evil village

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blonkk · 2 years

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i wish i wasn’t myself i mean after every single interaction or word that comes out of my mouth i want to rip my skin off. i fucking hate being a specimen like being treated like an experiment oh you’re depressed go on zoloft. oh it stopped working go on trazadone. oh that makes you black out for 15 hours in a row so that will cure your chronic insomnia but here go on cypralex. oh you have menstrual irregularities go on birth control. oh you’re sexually active have a pap smear (maybe this one’s different but idk i hate being probed and treated like a lab rat). one doctor literally said to me he thought it’s time i get a boyfriend (i think i was 21 or 22 at the time). yeah it’s low iron take these supplements. oh the insomnia is still there do a sleep study. six months from now. in another six months i’m told “there’s nothing wrong you you just have reverse sleep syndrome, best you can do is just try to find a night job and live the rest of your life like a fucking owl.” you’re 16 and you have PCOS. you’re 26 and wait now scratch that it wasn’t PCOS at all! silly us. we don’t know what it is tho our bad. yes you definitely qualify for a psychiatrist. just to be told after years of being on a waiting list and screened for months at the very first meeting with said medical professional that i “don’t really need this and there’s no point in continuing.” ok ok things are starting to make sense you’ve got adhd. try 10 now 20 now 50 mg of vyvanse and good news it will reduce your appetite so you’ll lose weight 2 birds in 1 stone right? (my doctor actually said this to me). hmmm things keep coming up, there’s a possibility of mild OCD and probable autism. autism. you are showing telltale signs of autism

i cannot take it anymore i don’t want to be a lifelong patient fr i’m gonna be coke a hypochondriac. the scariest thing is that i think the autism thing might be real the more i think ab how i feel in social settings and how i hate talking to people and never feel like i belong and things i say get misinterpreted and i can’t read social cues….i want to be fucking normal but the more that i get dismissed or randomly diagnosed and prescribed different random shit the more hopeless i feel like whyyyy can’t i just be normal. i was at a relatives place tonight and more people than i thought were there and i had to talk to people i don’t know and when i wasn’t stretching myself thin by making polite tedious conversation and wanting to kill myself after every word i said because i never seem to be able to read the room right i was trying not to cry because there were too many people and i was completely overwhelmed. literally i hate it so much but i’m gonna be 27…. what does it even matter anymore? i’ve made it this far being fucking sick all the time and socially fucking vacant and not fitting in anywhere with anyone so i can pretty much just keep doing it. i just wish he gave me one fucking thing lol he had to make me fat annoying permanent insomniac mentally ill and apparently “neurodivergent” and weird like bro just one fucking win would be nice. like i’m too anxious to even be dependent on substances like i’m so sorry if this is fucked up but i wish could use drugs and drinking to cope but i can’t because my brain doesn’t let me relax for five fucking seconds so smoking weed makes me paranoid as hell and i literally have some sort of blockage in my brain that prevents me from getting drunk. plus i’m too anxious to ever fully lose control it’s way too terrifying for me.

basically i’m wound up tighter than a spring and self medicating is out so i just cope by coping which is getting kinda fucking hard. what happens when i lose my student coverage, how the fuck am i gonna afford my drugs?? i’m already way over my therapy coverage and see her biweekly and now only monthly. i live my life in a constant state of exhaustion and interrupted functioning as a result of not sleeping, anxiety and apparently being fucking adhd plus whatever the fuck else. i’m too tired to keep finding new ways to manage like i can’t manage anymore. i wonder if there’s really nothing wrong or if over the past 11 years no doctor has really ever been able to do their fucking job. and tell me what the fuck is wrong with me. i don’t want to be anything i don’t want to be medicated or sedated i want to be normal and go to sleep when i’m tired and smile when i’m happy and cry when i’m sad and eat when i’m hungry and speak when i have something to say. i don’t understand bro why couldn’t i have just one fucking thing!!!!!

#sorry #i’m tired #i don’t like being diagnosed but never like #actually fixed #i hate being labeled #i hate being dismissed #i don’t want any sympathy #i want a fucking brain scan #i want someone to rewire my shit #i don’t want more #medication #if i have down bad bitch disease just tell me #if i’m just a weird little freak tell me #why can’t anyone figure it out #prescribe me something useful like a paid sabbatical to the welsh seaside #i’m gonna join a cult just to feel something i stg

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