#I mean. if I get... idk like 3-4 hours of sleep that should be enough

[running-in-the-dark]

my (virtual) meeting with my thesis advisor is in... 7 hours. I'm sort of almost finished writing the exposé that I was supposed to write. sort of. I'll probably need another hour or two until I feel okay enough about it to actually get any sleep.

unfortunately my left arm is realllly starting to hurt and I can't lift it much anymore (thanks to the covid booster I got today). hopefully I'll get it done anyway. and hopefully the pain won't be so bad that I can't sleep.

#I mean. if I get... idk like 3-4 hours of sleep that should be enough #I only have to be awake until the meeting is over. then I'll probably go back to bed. #and that way if it goes really really badly I can escape from that by being asleep lol #I hope it'll be okay 😭 I'm so scared #but it's this... much more quiet subtle kind of scared. I never experienced that before the anxiety meds #so it feels weird. #I haven't even cried yet! no panic attacks or anything! there have been a few meltdowns but not specifically about this #so I have to keep reminding myself that this is fine! I can handle this! it used to be sooooo much worse and I somehow got through that too #so I will definitely get through this and it will be okay #after all - no matter what happens. I'll be done with uni in February. I won't have to speak to my advisor ever again (so if he thinks I'm a #fucking idiot it doesn't matter at all!) #this is far from the hardest thing I've done! I was my dad's carer. I got my driver's license (yes that was very hard for me). I was in #therapy. I lived in abusive households until I was 25! this is easy in comparison #it just feels hard because I can't stand the feeling of being judged. and this is. just. me being judged (for what I write) #but it will be okay and I'll never write anything like this ever again and I'll get a break and I'll find a job I don't hate and it'll all #be worth it #personal #posts about my thesis

[arabaka]

okay i have a fluff request, idk if you headcanons but if you do, can I request headcanons for reigen and gojo x female reader who likes to take a lot of naps during the day. AND I MEAN A LOT, like I be sleeping 3-4 times a day plus my 9 hours of sleep st night, I just love sleep. Sometimes I sleep through dinner and my friends have to call me to wake me up lol. THANK YOU, YOUR WRITING IS AMAZING!!

✧༺♡༻∞　rest well　∞༺♡༻✧

featuring: gojo satoru x fem!reader // reigen arataka x fem!reader

no content warnings, just some fluff (ó ꒳ ò✿)

━━━━☆ gojo satoru.

gojo can be pretty pouty when you sleep for hours at a time but that’s only because he misses your company dearly while you’re in dreamland. he tries not to disturb you… emphasis on tries. you don’t think he tries all that hard though.

the sleepies can strike at any time but never fear, gojo’s limitless is here!! (pardon the corniness) but really, when yawns start bubbling from your throat every other minute and your eyelashes begin to flutter under the growing heaviness of your eyelids, he knows it won’t be long before you pass out. he’ll whisk you back home while carrying you princess-style, lowering you onto the bed with such grace and ease. he especially loves it when you manage to murmur a “thank you satoru….” before passing out.

you swear cuddling with gojo helps you sleep more soundly. whenever you’ve spent a night together, you feel on top of the world the next morning. he notices one particular day you’re more chipper than usual and you tell him with a beaming smile, “because i got to be in your arms all night, duh!!” so he promises to give you more nights like that and you relish his touch, in how the firmness of his muscles helps you feel safe and how the faint scent of his cologne buzzes around in your brain as you drift off to sleep…

━━━━☆ reigen arataka.

reigen’s work hours can sometimes be sporadic, you know this and even though he’s told you countless of times that you don’t have to try and wait up for him, that you should be resting comfortably in bed, he constantly finds you sprawled out on the couch, another failed attempt at staying up to welcome him home. sometimes he wakes you up and ushers you to bed, but other times he can’t bear to rouse you awake– but he will make sure to cover you with a blanket and place your favorite pillow under your head.

he knows better than to wake you but if you’ve been conked out for an unusually long time, he’ll gently shake your shoulder, a glass of water in hand as he murmurs, “you need to hydrate.” you’ll protest, groaning that you don’t want to have to wake up again to go to the bathroom but he’s insistent, “you didn’t drink enough water today, did you? drink.” he means well so you listen… and then grumble when you have to get up an hour or two later.

you can sleep anywhere, reigen learns this pretty early on. name any spot in his office and you’ve taken a cat nap on it before. after the renovation of spirits and such consultation, the new couch becomes your go-to. reigen keeps your favorite blanket at the office, draping it over your body and smiling at how cute you look, all curled up and soundly asleep.

#.｡*ﾟ+.*.｡ answered! #hope u like this sleepy anon <3 #gojo satoru x reader #gojo x reader #gojo satoru x you #gojo x you #gojo x y/n #gojo satoru #.˚₊ ੈ ʚ 📮 ɞ ˚₊ ‧ˋ*⁀➷ ꒰ mail time! ꒱ #.˚₊ ੈ ʚ 💌 ɞ ˚₊ ‧ˋ⁀➷ ꒰ love letters to reigen! ꒱ #.˚₊ ੈ ʚ 💌 ɞ ˚₊ ‧ˋ⁀➷ ꒰ love letters to gojo! ꒱

[draculagerard]

u asked for it so i am HERE to tell u about the netflix tv show never have i ever......except im not going to explain Everything super concisely bc i already have a hard enough time trying 2 explain the complexities of devi vishwakumar when my brain is Actually working but rn i am running on three hours of sleep, an energy drink that partially sprayed out of my nose, and some sour punch straws but i am going to do my best to like. idk explain it. apologies in advance bc this got so long im SO sorry. ANYWAY. never have i ever. its about a first-generation indian american girl named devi and she is like. well. not cool. her n her friends are called the "UN" which they thought meant united nations bc they're all woc but no it means unfuckable nerds. and the person who coined the term unfuckable nerds? one ben gross, aka devi's longstanding academic rival. do u see where this is going yet? great. wonderful. devi spends most of season 1 chasing after this jock paxton (who. we do love. just not with devi.) and imploding all of her personal relationships in an attempt to Not Feel the grief of her father dying. at one point she even tells her mom that she wishes her mom died instead of her dad (ouch, but also, been there). atp devi's friends, the other members of the UN, are taking a "friend break" bc she was. well kind of a bitch. so she moves in w ben (rival) for like a week and then he drives her, unlicensed, to where her mom is spreading her dads ashes and then she goes back up to the car and they go "you stayed" "yeah i just wanrted to make sure you were okay" and then KISS. KISS!!!!!!! but then paxton (jock) also likes her so she dates BOTH of them and then implodes on her and they both break up with her. and then she accidentally spreads a rumor around the school about ben's new girlfriend having an eating disorder which ends up being true. and then paxton (jock) dates her again. and then they break up after like 3 months and ben's new girlfriend (aneesa) also breaks up w ben same day and then ben and devi are like. besties for a bit. devi dates a new guy des who honestly should probably be in a relationship with his own mom instead and then he dumps her bc of his mom and THEN. after all of this. ben jokingly gives devi a "one free boink" card. (was it really a joke ben was it i dont think so!!!!) and. at paxton's graduation he sort of mentions devi but not by name and the narrator (which, i should mention the narrator for devi's inner monologue is american tennis player john mcenroe) says she doesnt get stomach knots!!! but then she and ben share an like an intimate moment in the hall and mcenroe says "there's the stomach knots" like!!!!! and THEN later that night!!!!! she goes to ben's house!!!!!!1 and redeems the one free boink card CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!! and thats where season 3 ends....

season 4 comes out in THREE DAYS and weve gotten SOOOO many spoilers for the first two episodes which (if anyone who watches never have i ever is still reading this and doesnt want spoilers please sotp reading) we find out that ben and devi DID boink and that they both thought iut was like?? bad foir the other person??? and ben just didnt know what to say so he asked if she needed him to call an uber like ben WHAT. as rae @ice-sculptures put it "can you believe that ben gross not knowing what to say after fucking led to the whole spiral of miscommunication lmfao" like they just DONT TALK devi tries to ask if he wanted to get coffee and he says NO because a basketball player at the gym told ben that devi wasnt serious about him because she put a period in the text or somethjing?? so instead he goes and dates this girl from art class margot and devi sees ben with her on the first day of school and gets. well upset. and then someone spray paints "STUPID BITCH" on devi's car and of course she thinks its margot!!!! (but shhhh it wasnt....it was actually this kid ethan....more on him later) and then like other stff happens im not super clear about that but basically at some point ben tells devi that margot doesnt want ben talking to devi anymore :( i dont rlly know much else past that i think thats where s4e2 ends??? but we do know that devi ends up DATING that ethan kid at some point but. sooo many things point to ben/devi endgame esp bc her other main love interest (paxton, the jock) is now STAFF at their high school so like?? i dont think they're going that route but im just. dsjfkhjsad SO EXCITED except i cannot watch s4 the day it comes out bc i will be seeing waterparks which. im so excitred for but also WHYYY do they have to be on the same day

i feel like i didnt explain this very well and left out a lot of like pivotal ben/devi moments but im sitting here jus.t typing and not rereading any of this im. So sorry that this is as long as it is jkhsddfsd thank u for reading this and. if u didnt read it i dont blame u szdkjhdfsakd

WOW OKAY HOLY FUCK A LOT GOING ON THERE HUH????? HELLO.

Okay okay key notes:

I already like Devi and I haven't even watched the show.

WHAT THE FUCK IS BEN DOING HELLOOOO. WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM DSFJJFD

by boink im assuming it means fuck right. cause like i've never euphemism in my life

THEY END S3 LIKE THAT ?? FWERLJW

oh LORD devi's complex relationship with her mom okay i hear it

bro the miscommunication sounds SOOO bad... like they cannot communicate properly even once huh 😭

devi ends up dating WHO now???? first the guy who gave them the name un and then the stupid bitch dude?? HELP....

IT COMES OUT IN 3 DAYS??? oh shit good luck??!!

OMG youre gonna go to a Waterparks show????? have fun holy shit

anyways are you kidding ofc i read the whole thing i NEED media rants rn

#moose asks #spencer

[suns-pott]

Losing my mind over the Jazz on the clock music video

So Luxiem's Jazz on the clock music video dropped almost a week ago, and I've noticed they've hidden some things in there. I haven't seen anyone solve it yet and I'm stuck so I'm looking to the internet for help and to compile what I've figured out so far. There's gonna be a million screenshots.

Plot

The plot is made clear to us through the various newspapers shown throughout the video.

Some of it is hard to read but I can make out the messages in order from top to bottom of the middle newspaper:

Lords are on alert.

Luxiem sent a notice to the lords.

Luxiem, a group of thieves causing havoc in the city, is the next target a lord?

A letter of warning sent to the lord.

And to the right I can make out the message:

A succession of security incidents

The number of riots continues to increase

Their news again. Luxiem. a group of thieves who target the mansions of aristocrats and steal their money and goods to give back to the common people.

And another newspaper that reads:

Luxiem, stealing the crown.

Last night Luxiem stole the crown at the clock tower.

Luxiem appears at the clock tower.

With all this we can say Luxiem are like a robin hood kind of group, stealing from rich and giving to the poor. And they decide to steal a crown at a clock tower which seems to be their biggest heist yet.

Hidden messages

There's some numbered sentences sprinkled throughout the video, I have no idea how many there are but the video ends with the number 10 so I think there's 10 of them?? The first newspaper that was shown above has a number one with the message: I wanna live free all the time. Keepin' it reals what we do. As for number 2...

The video starts with this morse code message.

I looked to the comments for people who know morse code and I found a comment by moon?!

So during Ike's first appearance in the video there's this text shown sideways.

2. But I can't do that in this city that has taken over.

Which member would win an arm wrestling competition? What did Mysta say? Go to that person.

The first Luxiem game show was hosted by Mysta some months ago, and I went back and checked who Mysta wrote would win an arm wrestling match, that being Luca. (This screenshot is cropped so none of the members are shown but Ike is on the left and Luca is on the right just believe me ok-)

There's a number 3 on the left with the text: But I can't do that in this city that has taken over. And on the right there's the message: Let's go to the top of the 636c6fb20746f776572.

Now I have no idea what the numbers are, I'm sure it's some kind of code out of the many different ones that exist. So I didn't solve it, I just found it bc of the number.

4. I don't want to see you cry anymore.

Again I have no idea what the jumble of letters and numbers mean but i found number 5 anyway and now that I type this out I am not smart enough to actually solve this-

5. So I take the crown. I'll cast a spell on you give you a taste.

So I'm not sure if there are more numbers, there probably is, but I've rewatched this goddamn video several times and I just don't know where to go from here. And now I'm screaming this into the void for help.

Also I have these and idk what to do with them, I'm sure they will be relevant later but it is 1 am and I am running on 4 hours of sleep already and I should probably sleep.

Miscellaneous

Anyways I'm gonna get some sleep now, thank you for reading this whole ass rant I have going on. I will get back to the regularly scheduled requests in a bit, summer school is kind of kicking my ass at the moment, and writer's block at the same time. I just need to get my ass moving.

#luxiem #jazz on the clock #theory #nijisanji #nijisanji en #shu yamino #mysta rias #luca kaneshiro #vox akuma #ike eveland

[fulane-de-tal]

I'm not the anon you replied to, and can't tell when the original ask was sent, but I'm also thinking about starting T but not in a binary trans man way and would love to hear more about your experiences!

absolutely!!

disclaimer: i haven’t been on T for very long so i can’t give you information i don’t have experience on but i’ll tell ya what i know!

disclaimer #2: this is going to be a very long post. sorry

if you have specific questions please please please DM me or send asks and i’ll answer them :)

-

the good the bad and the ugly:

one of the first things I noticed on T was the way if affected my menstrual cycle. (i’m just going to use those words for it because i can’t think of any better). i have really fucky hormones already, and a super inconsistent period, and after about a month and a half of T i got a period that lasted about 3 weeks. That freaked me out enough that I went off T for like a month, before realizing that i really needed T and got back on. I haven’t had a period since December, though, so we’ll see how that goes later.

thing #2 that I noticed: bottom growth. this and my voice change started at around the same time, so it was a really interesting few weeks while those two were starting out. you will feel it. all the time. like. all the time.

thing 2.5: the voice. this has been such a wonder for me. the first few weeks of voice dropping came sooner than i expected (around 2ish months in) although I had been noticing tiny minuscule changes since around month 1.5. the first real drop for me came February, or month 3, after my month-long pause. in about two weeks, my voice dropped a noticeable amount. it started cracking and my throat started hurting like a motherfucker. my voice has also dropped a bit these past few weeks, so ~ month 6, and people have started commenting on how different my voice is. it’s really great for me- my voice has finally started matching what i thought my voice should sound like.

thing 3: HORNY. i’m so fucking horny. im horny every hour of the day night and in between. i spent a whole day just jacking off and sleeping. you grow a second brain and it’s located in your pants. anything will get you horny.

thing 4: facial hair. hallelujah. i have a mustache now, enough for gas station attendants to call me “young man” and for some guy to ask me if i’m old enough to drive. i’m getting weird little scraggly beard hairs, the stuff about asscrack hair is true, and im getting hair on my stomach and toes????? it’s wonderful. it’s what i’ve waited my whole life for. still waiting for the chest hair, though.

5: fat redistribution. idk what to say about this just that everything is achy and my pants fit different and i know full well i haven’t been changing anything else about my life

6: here’s the sucker punch. sweat. i’m so fucking sweaty and horny all the time. i drove my truck for 15 minutes with the windows down yesterday and sweated through my undershirt. if you don’t have undershirts, get some once you start T. i used to wear the same undershirt for two days in a row (i know it’s gross shut up) and now i can barely wear one for a whole day. get good deodorant. old spice body spray is your friend. sorry

thing 7: emotions. i have a hard time crying now, but i can’t tell if that’s hormones or dehydration. i have your average pubescent mood swings on steroids. my tolerance for bullshit is at an all time low.

things 8-? : social perception

i am a fat butch dyke. i have short hair, a resting mean face, and very brusque hands. i’m very affectionate with people i trust in a way that gets me often labeled (by outsiders) as pushy or desperate. i’ve never been feminine but i’ve put on an affectation of femininity to make myself less threatening. with testosterone that went out the fucking window. people see me the way middle aged church mothers see pitbulls. i got called violent for tossing a shirt into a car with “too much aggression.” people are starting to interact with me the way they would interact with a man. it’s rough, and it’s lonely. but it’s worth it, to me.

i’m having to be more aware of myself in order to not get read as a creep. stuff i would have done when i passed as a girl has become, in a very short time, stuff i absolutely cannot do now that i pass as a weird deformed man. the affectation of femininity has returned in full force, although i’m trying to get rid of it and just talk.

i miss my singing voice.

i have a new singing voice that i love. i’m still surprised when i listen to recordings of myself and they’re not how i expected them.

i’ve found a lot of solace in captain america fanfiction.

i am so dazzlingly happy with my stupid scraggly mustache. i like looking at myself. for a good few weeks i couldn’t stop talking just to hear myself talk.

i need to drink gallons of water now.

people have started defaulting to “he” for me. a stranger let me pet his dog and asked me if i was a “feminus man,” to which i said absolutely.

i’ve become so comfortable in being myself. i can’t wait until i figure out what to do about my tits. i’m slowly getting the upper range of my singing back. i’m having to restrain myself from using vocal fry every three seconds. i go to a barbershop and feel completely out of place, but get a nice haircut. i don’t think i’ve developed the cis man brand of self consciousness yet, and i hope i never do. someone recognized me from high school and i’m glad i’m still the same.

testosterone has made me so connected to the person i thought i was going to grow into as a kid.

on a topic i never got to hear from anyone about:

injecting testosterone.

i chose intramuscular injection for my first T prescription. i went in with almost zero guidance aside from my friend (who offered to do it for me) and my adoptive dad (who told me to close my eyes and jab). i nearly cried the first time.

i kept doing intramuscular until my break, and at that point called the doctor and told her i could not keep doing that. she told me to inject subcutaneous until next appointment. i did. it was a wonder. i now have the specific needles for subcutaneous injection, and am so used to doing it i can even play music during the injection. i used to have to do it in total silence, with the door slightly ajar, and the pamphlet they gave me open in front of me, in case anything went wrong. now it’s easy. i still tell my cis man friends i’m more man than they are for being able to do it.

here’s how i do it, because no one told me how to:

check your T. it should be clear or pale yellow. there should not be granules, chunks, or cloudiness. if there are, call the pharmacy. don’t inject it. if it’s clear and chunk-free, you’re good.

fill the syringe with your dose of hormone. use a thick needle. get the air bubbles out. pull the plunger way down, switch needles, and push the plunger slowly back up to get the air out. you’ll figure it out.

to uncap a needle, you might need a little more force than you expect. i still haven’t figured out how to do this easily.

i inject into my stomach, always, so: i rotate injection sites every week. don’t inject above your navel, and it’s best to inject at least an inch away from it. if you pinch the area you want to inject in you should feel the difference in how pain is experienced. pick a spot where you almost don’t feel it when you pinch yourself. hold the syringe with your thumb on the plunger and your first two fingers on the finger rests. hold it at a 45 degree angle with the needle tip’s open end facing up, so the needle slides in easier. take a deep breath and push the needle in.

it’s easier to go faster just to get the tip in, and after that you can go as gentle and slow as you like.

if you’re like me and your stomach is covered in stretch marks, that’s ok. stretch marks don’t go deep. it might hurt a little to get the needle in, but you will be okay. i promise. you’ll feel the needle hit the fat and slide right in and then you’ll be okay.

some people say to pull up a little to check for blood but i don’t do that and it’s fine. my med student friend said you won’t get internal bleeding or other severe damage from not doing that, and if you do, the big ugly bruise will let you know real quick.

take a deep breath and push the plunger down. if your hand shakes that’s okay and if the needle moves a little that’s okay. just don’t pull the needle out mid-injection.

if you have to test a few spots to see where you want to inject, that’s ok too.

some days will hurt more than others.

it’s okay to have to use more than one needle if you chicken out of the first jab. you usually don’t need a new syringe for this.

don’t pierce the skin with the same needle twice. for sanitary reasons and also because a blunt needle hurts like a motherfucker.

pull the needle out gently and press your finger to the injection site. slap on a bandaid. get the stretchy real bandaid branded bandaids. they’re good.

give yourself a treat! youve probably been a little tense for this. relax.

the injection site might get a little red and a little itchy. it might hurt when you put briefs on. it might hurt when you move or touch it. there might be a tiny little bump where you injected. that’s fine. you will be ok. call a friend if you need.

i hope this all helped! if you want more deets or have questions please let me know :0)

-naf

#je parle #asks #t chronicle

[loganofthenorth]

Me: Alright, everything's quiet, my physical needs have been taken care of, I want to write, and brain rot about my OCs isn't in the way. Let's get to work!

ADHD toddler that lives in my head: Give me five good reasons why we should work on the work in progress

Me: 1. We get positive feedback when we update this story, which really benefits our mental health, self esteem, and motivation to write other things

2. We ended the WIP on a cliffhanger last time we updated it and it needs to be resolved

3. There is no reason not to work on the WIP

4. Autism- *points at the Autistic hermit sitting next to me*

Autistic hermit: *waves while reading a Sanders Sides transcript, a book about dolphins, and an article about clementines*

Me: - needs a routine to function, and this is a big part of that

And 5. We are fortunate enough to have parents willing to support us so that we can make writing our full time career. If we don't actually write, those two- *points at Anxiety and Depression*

Anxiety: *pacing around with a list of problems to resolve in our projects and muttering about our lack of productivity lately even though we've been productive just in other ways*

Depression: *sleeping and not bothering us because we have enough dopamine from earlier mentioned comments and interactions on Tumblr to keep them at bay for the most part*

Me: - will make life harder for us by making me feel bad for wasting that support.

ADHD Toddler: 1. Yes, that's true, but if we keep writing the WIP I'll get sick of it and want nothing to do with it anymore

Me: But we're almost done, we only have a few chapters left.

ADHD Toddler: 2. We updated that, like, two days ago? Three days? Idk how time works. Days have just felt like weeks lately for some reason so it just feels like a long time when it isn't. They can wait. Also- *gets distracted by a squirrel*

Me: Are you done?

ADHD Toddler: Huh? Oh, right...

Me: ...

ADHD Toddler: ...

Me: Well?

ADHD Toddler: What was I saying?

Me: You said people can wait for a cliffhanger, then had another point.

ADHD Toddler: Oh, right. So, these people watch Sanders Sides, right? They're used to waiting like six months or lately more than a year for the next important chapter.

Autistic Hermit: Huh...

ADHD Toddler: 3. I gave you a reason when addressing your first point, we'll get sick of it if we don't work on other things too.

Autistic Hermit: They're... Actually using really good logic...

Me: I know, it's terrifying

ADHD Toddler: 4. Routine smoutine. I'd rather have poutine.

Autistic Hermit: There it is

Me: Yep...

ADHD Toddler: And, finally... *gets distracted by a lightbulb*

Anxiety: Whelp that's it we've spent an entire hour doing absolutely nothing, we're clearly not getting any work done tonight

Me: *sighs* ADHD, if I let you say your last point, will you let me work?

ADHD Toddler: Huh? What last point?

Me: Never mind. We're going to write a really cool story now, okay?

ADHD Toddler: Okay!

Me: *gets my IPad*

ADHD Toddler: This was fun, you should post it on Tumblr.

Me: Oh yeah sure!

ADHD Toddler: Oh, right! I remembered! 5. I don't see why you think you've wasted their support by not writing all the time. Last year you wrote, edited, designed a cover for, and self published a novel of your own in one year. While doing that, you also balanced friendships, worked on your mental health, wrote like, what, three full fan novels and are about to finish another one? Not to mention all the unfinished fan fics you have that made people happy, and all the role plays which might as well be novels. Just because you're not making money yet, and you're not writing every day, doesn't mean you're wasting the support you were given.

Me: ...

Autistic Hermit: Who the hell have you been talking to? Where has all this logic come from?

ADHD Toddler: We're hyper fixated on Sanders Sides

Autistic Hermit: Fair enough

ADHD Toddler: *gasps* What if we like, made our own you tube series but like, instead of aspects of the personality like Sanders Sides it's our different disabilities?

Autistic Hermit: You thought about that before

Anxiety: We don't have the same resources Thomas Sanders has to make it professional

Autistic Hermit: Like a *shudders* team of people to work with

Anxiety: *also shudders* Or space of our own to film in

Depression: *murmurs* Or the motivation to keep dedicated to that for long...

Autistic Hermit: Or the cameras, lighting, sound equipment, video editing skills, ability to make a polished costume,

Anxiety: we can't mask Autism's traits long enough to get a good recording

Depression: *murmurs* And we don't fit conventional beauty standards enough to do well in a video based algorithm...

ADHD Toddler: I guess we'll just have to find another way to make a series that gets us a fandom one day... You know, since the book we wrote didn't get immediate results so now I'm being petty.

Autistic Hermit: Our book series is a long term project. It will get more recognition as we continue to publish the series.

Anxiety: It would get more recognition if we made more adds

ADHD Toddler: But why make Tik Toks no one interacts with but two hundred people see when we could make Tumblr posts that no one sees but two people interact a lot with?

Me: *sighs* This is getting us no where

Anxiety: Stop typing on Tumblr and get to work or we might lose our ability to work forever

Autistic Hermit: But that doesn't make sense. We've gone a long time without writing before

Depression: *murmurs* We did get a lot worse at writing after that though...

Me: I think that's more because ADHD got worse during that time so writing became harder

ADHD Toddler: Yeah

Anxiety: *scoffs* At least they admit it

Me: Anywho, I'm tagging this now, clicking post, and then we will work on our WIP. My apologies mutuals for the long post.

#sanders sides #disability #autistic #adhd #writer #nerodiversity #anxiety #depression #adhd writer #writer problems #fan fic #creator #creative mind #long post

[hootsifer-darling]

Gonna get personal for a sec, I've been in a car for 7< hours and the mind does wander. I'm just thinking about how, for the one summer I stayed with him after turning 18, my dad was pathologically incapable of just letting me exist and do my own thing. Every decision I made was questioned and commentated on, down to going outside for my nightly before bed walk. "Really, are you sure you need to do that? Why? oookayy I guess." I was put through the wringer just asking for the house security codes so alarms wouldn't start screaming if I so much as walked down the stairs (there were door alarms and movement sensors on the first floor, and later cameras were installed literally everywhere, it was insane. Not outside btw, inside, explicity for monitoring US). I had to ask for those codes btw, they weren't offered up as being part of the household; he wanted us caged and monitored, and anything I ever asked for was treated as some huge imposition.

Then there was the time I sprained my ankle at an open gym and wanted to call out of work and he treated that like the most insane propostion ever. 'No you can't call out of work?? Your ankle is fine don't be ridiculous.' And after I called out boy did he lay on the passive aggression. 'You really shouldn't have done that, your bosses will be so let down, etc.' Anyway I limped up and down the stairs to get all my food for several days. Every day he was like 'ankle still bother you huh,' so incredulous like I was faking it out of laziness.

Oh and then there was the whole thing where I was forced to conform to their 5/6 am wakeup schedule, which I fucking did for over a month. I would zombie walk downstairs, have some cereal, and then camp on the couch and watch TV with headphones on my computer, present and unobtrusive. I found a way to do something my body and brain was wired not to and even found some joy in the routine. But even that wasn't enough, eventually the demands started that I lose the TV and "participate" with the family, despite the fact that they were basically all doing the same thing. God forbid I did something he wanted on my own terms.

So anyway that was around the halfway point of the summer and although I couldn't put my finger on what it was I started to notice I was being forced to do an awful lot of stuff I didn't want to and was actively impeding my enjoyment of day to day life. So I started sleeping in, letting my body do its thing. I was forcibly awakened a few times by various means, the most sinister of which was turning "wake Adam up" into a game for the 7 and 3 year olds for about a week before he finally accepted defeat on that particular battle. Maybe I started locking my door idk.

Anyway things got progressively worse over the next month as I started planting my feet on various things I felt didn't make sense, and as it turns out questioning a narcassist's authority is a fast-track to getting kicked out for being disrespectful lol. Not gonna go into that whole day but after that I finally decided that being there made me feel bad and I should probably leave. I didn't even start unpacking the events of that summer for two years. I had to quit the job I'd been at for about 3 months which was a very embarassing and stressful thing to do for the first job I'd ever had, but I said my "home situation wasn't working" and the managers all understood and one even told me very earnestly "go be happy Adam" which remains one of the most profoundly kind things anyone has ever said to me.

My dad's favorite thing to say ever since moving to Florida was always "well you can always come live with us" (a fucked up thing to say to the pre teens you abandoned), but when I finally gave it a try boy did he make sure it was so miserable that it only lasted 4 months and none of us ever tried it again.

But to end this on a more positive note I'm really proud of myself for deciding to leave even though in the moment I wasn't sure why I was so unhappy, I just knew that I was and that I could leave, so I did, and I think that was pretty huge of me. And also pretty metal to pin my resignation on him: "sorry I have to quit, I tried living with my dad and it's just not working." Considering he made me cry on the way to my interview for said job I think it was only fair.

#that was more than a sec lol #turned into a bit of a rant #I think this is gonna go on the sideblog actually #personal #rants #cw: trauma dump

[sheerioswifties]

living in a state taylor goes to must be nice 😭 i’m in oregon and she hasn’t been here since 2013 due to our extreme lack of professional sports and stadiums with a capacity higher than 50k

Bestie I've got a whooooleee post I'm gonna be writing on this but!!!! It was actually a 3 hour drive for me for rep tour bc I lived in Vancouver, WA aka across the river from Portland, so basically Portland! I totally get you, I'm sad that she doesn't come to the Moda center anymore and now Ed doesn't either😭 They got too big. Which I'm beyond proud of! But yeah their shows became a lot less accessible. Maybe it's time to rally to get Oregon cities to build a dang stadium already. But yeah I mean this is what I was gonna post about but like part of the reason demand is so high (not to take ANY if the blame from Ticketmaster it's all 100% them) is because of situations like this where one show, Seattle, is the closest for 3-4 states and B.C. so that's a LOT of people gunning for one show. I'm used to having to do long drives so I've totally prepared for possibly having to drive to a California or other show and sleep in the car idk. I didn't get tix, yet- but yeah gosh I feel like both that states should invest more in stadiums obvs it draws tourist revenue (tho maybe Oregon is an oddity in that college football is so big that it brings in enough ppl for that to Corvallis and Eugene maybe that is partially why? Idk also maybe Portland has a bad rep now (hah) and it doesn't have any good enough teams for a stadium but still. They should put in a stadium I'm manifesting) but also stars choosing to bypass smaller arenas for only stadiums I wonder if it actually works out. I'm gonna post on that too.

But yeah I'm right there with you! If I manage to get tickets anywhere it's gonna require travel :/ And yeah that makes the cost of the tickets even higher especially with gas prices aafarsffsgsfsstgs

But anyways I love the PNW, Oregon is awesome so!!!!

#yes mail #Nov 26 #eras tour #tour #rep tour #areas v stadiums

[shinbyeol]

in true me fashion, i had too much going on to make it to opening but ‘sup party animals, it’s ya girl moon! ( s / h, 21+ )!! i’m here to bring y’all shin byeol, a lost bean who’s just trying to make it through without throwing up on this roller coaster called life 🤮 she’s generally very nice but y’know, fuckery in life shapes you as a person so she’s a bit jaded but like, who isn’t!! catch her on a monday morning and she’ll probably murder you but run into her as she pollutes the world with her Nth cigarette of the night and she’s more mellow 🥰 now to get the show on the road, drumroll pls for shenanigans under the cut........

shin byeol, 24, seoul resident but recently moved into maehwa (think....a month ish????) and just isa-ri in general

now you may be wondering why she’s there 🥴 same here buddy

tl;dr is that she used to be an idol trainee, jumped around many companies since she was 15 and was on a promising road to debut at her last company but she fucked around (literally) (i’m jk about that last part) and screwed up her achilles tendon

she got surgery and all should have been well but i mean, she injured herself when she was 20 and by the time she recovered 90% she was no longer at a good enough age to debut according to the company :////

ended up going to school instead and graduated from ehwa with a degree in communications and media studies (don’t ask me what this means)

should have been happy and moving on with her life but she still had a lot of trainee contacts or people who had already debuted in her circle which only seemed to cause her pain and made her feel like she failed at life 

heard about this quaint little countryside with a spacious sharehouse with cheap rent so she said fuck it, imma pack my shit up and go

didn’t really think this plan out, if you ask me, but she’s just vibing and trying to figure out what’s next

catch her making your coffee (possibly incorrectly but give her a break, it’s her second week 🙄) at dalkom café or if you happen to be wandering the premises, it’s likely she’ll be around with a camera in hand too 

personality-wise, she’s very straightforward and won’t do any of that sugar-coating business, it’s no nonsense with her and she’ll expect the same. snarky when she needs to be, bitchy because she can be, but if you have her on your side, she’s there for life 

currently occupying room 029, come bother her 😌

idk what else to put, it’s been a long day i’m 😴

plot ideas maybe????

you’re either on her floor, or above/below her and since you like sleeping with your window open, her disgusting cigarette smoke blows into your room and you’ve had enough

she’s out taking pictures and you happen to get in her frame - you want the photo, she’s not willing 🤕

someone from seoul that knew her back in her prime trainee days before she dropped off the face of the planet but o??? look who’s also here?????

her instagram is really just her life’s diary but somehow that intrigued you and suddenly you start seeing that she’s posting snapshots of very familiar areas.....wait, you’re both in isa-ri???

she’s allergic to pets (rip) and it’s her mission to find who in the sharehouse is out to get her by letting their pet roam free

gimme somebody she can have dumb 3am conversations with, like do aliens exist or why does elon musk want his child to be bullied in school

insert something about a relationship plot here blah blah blah we all know how this goes, but she isn’t in it for anything serious (or is she?????)

pls someone give her a coworker at the café 😭 #teamcantdoshit or #teamlifeoftheparty

she doesn’t have a car but some nice townspeople decided to lend her one for an adventure so now she’s strapping you in for a lil joy ride that has no real destination but that’s the point!!

ok idk man i’m supposed to be awake in 4 hours as i write this more like i slept for 3, so who knows what kind of garbage the above really is 😳 hmu either in the ims (pls pls don’t make this our main form of communication i beg you) for my discord or just drop a ❤️ and i’ll come to you so we can plot and get this party started 🤪

#awhqsintro

[terrainofheartfelt]

for your ask game:

tonight, where I'm set alight - 3, 4, 6, and 9

make me crescendo - 1, 4, 5, 9, and 11

nearer and farther than they - 2, 3, 6, and 13

thank you 💛

tonight where I'm set alight

3: What’s your favorite line of narration? I’m gonna go with this one, because articulating this idea makes me fizz like a glass of prosecco:

He melts into the touch, exhaling, wanting to make himself malleable, to be sculpted over in her image, made new by her hand. A magazine profile tried to call her his muse once, but it isn’t true. She is art and artist in and of herself. His writing—just like he is here—is in service of her, not the other way round. Hers, hers, hers.

4: What’s your favorite line of dialogue? Not sure how to answer this one like a Lady, but I have to say:

“You’re so pretty...So pretty when you’re needy.”

6: What makes this fic special or different from all your other fics? Oh, well…I guess because it was virtually written on a dare from Nads. well, maybe not a dare, but this was around the holiday season, and we were joking at the time that we should get back to the #dangetspegged agenda in the new year, and this fic just…happened. I guess it’s notable bc I wrote it on my phone while bored at my parent’s house? 

9: Were there any alternate versions of this fic? Nope. I wrote it pretty much in the space of like…maybe 48 hours. My smut fics don’t really have alternate versions, my writing technique when it comes to that genre is just to fire em off  and not get too into the weeds, because they’re really just one (1) scene that doesn’t require much plot, so they don’t take long to write, and if I were to think about them enough for alternate versions to exist, idk…that just sounds way less sexy. 

make me crescendo

1: What inspired you to write the fic this way? Well, this was a kinktober fic, so I took two of the prompts from the list I was working from—I believe it’s still linked in the series description—and just ran with it. And well, I chose those two prompts “Wearing Their Clothes + Lingerie” because Ivy and Nads and I are all big on the Dan Humphrey in Lingerie agenda, so I knew at the onset of the month that that was something I wanted to write if I could find the right idea, and then I opened the month with another Blair/Nate/Dan fic, which got SO many demands for a sequel *cough cough* S *cough cough* that I was peer pressured into more ot3 territory, and all those elements just came together from there into this. 

4: What’s your favorite line of dialogue? I really like the post coital banter at the end:

“I think we wore him out,” Blair muses quietly, stroking gently along Dan’s sleep-serene face. “We?” Nate jokes, his voice low, mouth turning up in a smirk. “Not to be a credit hog, babe, but that was all me.”

5: What part was hardest to write? I think just the…choreography? The movement of getting from one monet to the next. I do not by any means claim to be an expert in this particular…genre, but I do think of it in terms of like, blocking a scene, choreographing it, like what happens physically, what beats I want to hit, and then sort of connecting those dots. And since there are three bodies in this fic, that choreography was that much more complex. 

9: Were there any alternate versions of this fic? Again, I don’t really do alternate versions for smut, they just don’t take up that kind of time or headspace. 

11: What do you like best about this fic? Kind of to 5, but I love the domesticity of these three and how they love each other, and I feel like I show a good balance of how they all interact with each other, as a trio and in their respective duos and how they are all parts of a loving whole. There’s a specific kind of softness to Them that I really love. Even with all the filth. 

nearer and farther than they

2: What scene did you first put down? Oh gosh, it’s been like, over a year since I posted, so my memory is fuzzy, but the first things that were so clear that I had to get them out were the chunks of dialogue over Dan and Blair’s conversations, those exchanges they had at the bar and in the car etc etc. I remember once the story took shape around those having to move some bits and pieces around, but it started with those conversations, the “why did you chose to become a conductor?” and “why were you in italy/why did you come back” those one-on-ones came to me first, and the rest sprung up around it. 

3: What’s your favorite line of narration? This bit from the penultimate scene:

There’s something in the way he’s looking at her that sets her cells humming. Like that first sounding of A440, right before she takes the podium. Like the beginning of something.

6: What makes this fic special or different from all your other fics? I mean, it is my niche expertise fic! That tumblr post that’s like, when fic writers do an au about their very specific professional field, that’s this one. It’s the closest to home I’ve really gotten with fanfic, and I was honestly kind of surprised that I wrote it when I did, because I was (and am!) still mourning my past life as an opera singer, so for a lot of 2020 and 2021 I skirted away from any shop talk for fear it would hurt, but writing this fic was actually a really lovely experience, and I got to geek out and talk shop and share something I love with this facet of my life, and it felt really good!

13: What music did you listen to, if any, to get in the mood for writing this story? Or if you didn’t listen to anything, what do you think readers should listen to to accompany us while reading? OH SO MUCH! I do have links embedded in the fic for listening pleasure, but the absolute musts are the Liszt Dan plays at the concert, and the Oberthur Blair plays, the both of these are all time favorite pieces of mine. And of course, I listened to my favorite bits of the operas Blair conducts: L’enfant et il sortileges and Il segreto di Susanna (my favorites of L’enfant are the fire aria, the cat duet (i’m dead serious), and the math teacher, and my favorite in Susanna is the duet between the two leads). So that’s all the plot relevant stuff, but I also listened a lot to my assorted classical music playlists on my Spotify: Lit™ Opera Lit; Lit™ Piano Lit, and Lit™ Orchestral Lit, oh, and my Art Song Literature playlist too. Recommendations for selections from those are available upon request 💕

fic asks game!

#stars you absolute scamp for sending so many I love you for it never change <333 #asks #insistonyourcupofstars

[astronomy-two-worlds-apart]

okay idk how to even begin explaining how stressed out i’ve been and how close i am to crying. well how much i’m crying now

i feel like such a failure i’m gonna fail probably a few classes and like. i just suck. two projects. one was due in school like physically and the other is due in less than 3 hours from typing this. i’ve had all afternoon and done nothing but sit on the couch and do nothing. my teachers already question my work ethic and i’ve been told it sucks by some teachers. like what am i doing.

i’ve been having sleep issues meaning i can’t sleep half the time and the other half of the time i’m in bed by 9. awake by 3 or 4 but still. what the hell.

i try to eat enough but jesus eating meals really sucks. it always feels like i’m eating too much food and i’m gonna be sick. i don’t usually have like stuff or time or want to eat throughout the day either. and like my mom keeps saying “oh you have to eat or you’re gonna get sick” which yes i know but i’m not not eating as a form of self harm im not eating in a i will be sick way.

which speaking of being sick i literally have so much anxiety over that lately. there’s flu strep covid and god knows what else going around and yes i wear a mask but it still stresses me out so much to think that i could get sick. there’s always people coughing and sneezing from being sick. like they’re out and then they come back still a little sick and it makes me paranoid.

and of course there’s more academic issues bc failing to turn in projects is only one of the concerns. i have to take 5 or 6 finals next week all in the span of two days. two fucking days for 6 different tests. about 4 different reviews that i have to start and complete before the testing days.

i have to go to the store for multiple things, so money spending when i know for a fact that’s something my parents are stressing over and the reason why i purposely avoided telling them about the band disney trip money payments and stuff until it was too late. so they wouldn’t worry about like 3000-4000 dollars going to that in the next 4 months. am i upset bc i don’t get to go to disney and it was a trip i really wanted to go on? yes but i also don’t want my parents having another thing to use against me if i fuck up so they don’t spend money and i can’t get blackmailed win win i guess.

oh and a christmas concert on tuesday. and no the music doesn’t sound good. he’s gonna call a surprise sectional probably monday after school after the dress rehearsal and then get pissed when people can’t make it. he’s lowkey an asshole for that too so everyone’s gonna be upset over that. and it’s his fault for passing out music two weeks before the concert knowing damn well there’s other stuff going on.

i keep accidentally ignoring all my friends and feel bad for telling myself “i don’t actually care. like yes to a certain extent i care about everything they’re saying bc they’re my friends but at the same time i don’t as much as i should.” i keep like almost sabotaging myself and my life and it’s such an issue.

holy shit. i’m tired. i just need to have a way to exist outside from society. people are tiring. living is exhausting and i’m not even doing it properly bc i keep purposely/subconsciously messing everything up. why is it all just like this.

#self harm mention #sick tw #ask to tag #vent

[nathank77]

3/19/24

5:41 a.m

So last week I ended up taking a higher dose of xanax multiple days. 2 days in a row. Then the day after a half. And then like 2 days after a half...

I also started mixing Benadryl and hydroxyzine in to the days I took the half because I had taken the 1 mg so many days..

I might have fucked myself. Let me go into depth.

To start I've noticed on Xanax I can usually fall asleep in 2 hours and stay asleep for 5 hours. If I get up to pee I'm fucked... I end up tossing and turning and being unable to fall back to sleep. If I don't pee I can usually pass right back out..

Sometimes I pee and I've been taking hydroxyzine and Benadryl right after I go so I can fall back to sleep and get my 7 hours. It has worked...

I'm worried those other days I took the half and mixed hydroxyzine and Benadryl in when i took the xanaz not hours later bc i had taken a 1 mg so many days that week. I mixed in the hydroxyzine and Benadryl bc of the interaction of sedation...

So out of these two weeks, I have fall asleep on a half mg of xanax twice... without adding Benadryl and hydroxyzine in a couple hours later to knock myself out...they were spread out like the 9th and the 14th or something like that.

Two nights ago I took the pill at 5:41 a.m and I ended up not falling asleep and taking a Benadryl 25MG and hydroxyzine 25MG at 8:22 a.m. I ended up closing my eyes ay 8:41 a.m and falling asleep prob by 9 am. I woke up at 3 p.m. I got about 6 hours of sleep. It wasn't enough but luckily the hallucination wasn't any worse..

Last night 3/18 I took the half at 5:05 a.m. I had one of the worst nights ever. I took benadryl 25MG and hydroxyzine 25MG at 7:42 a.m....

Then I still hadn't slept and I took another 25MG of both hydroxyzine and Benadryl at 8:55 a.m. I closed my eyes at 9:12 a.m and failure. I opened them at 9:48 a.m and I tried again. I either fell asleep for like 30 minutes maximum from 9:48-10:33 cause it is a little fuzzy but I def didn't sleep the entire time.. I must have fallen asleep by 11 a.m I didn't dose anything else past 9:48 8:55 a.m. I figured I'd just accept I couldn't sleep. I slept from 11 a.m to 3:30 p.m. I got only like hours of sleep maybe 4 hours and 45 minutes. Or 30 who knows...I went to the dentist obv.. and yea the hallucination wasn't terribly bad or anything but- I'm exhausted... and I'm aggravated. It's not terrible but it felt worse today than yesterday or a day with full sleep. I mean but I can attribute that to less concentration and focus as well as just irritatiablity...with lack of sleep and not being able to switch from Xanax to something better for sleep such as estrazolam... but yea it wasn't like the voice got creative or intelligent but it seems more intrusive and more stressful to deal with.

The days I slept without hydroxyzine and Benadryl on a half MG were, 3/16 but I did take Benadryl and hydroxyzine at 1:03 p.m when I woke up and peeded. But nonetheless a half MG did knock me out without any other drug. And then 3/9 which I didn't use hydroxyzine or Benadryl at all.

I'm worried I fucked myself but idk. We will find out. I was stressed about my dentist appt. Idk what happened Sunday.. cause I wasn't stressed. I'm hoping since the 16th occurred that will happen for me tomorrow night..

My eye doctor appt is at 3 p.m. There is no way in the world, I'm getting up for that appt with I mean even 6 hours of sleep cause I got to get up 2 or 2:30 the latest...so I'm taking the full MG tonight and I should sleep like a baby. If not I suppose I'll add Benadryl at some point and then hydroxyzine at another point... I don't think it'll come to that.

So tonight I should knock out on 1 mg.. tomorrow I'm hoping the half will be effective without anything else. I mean I have bloodwork on the 20th I'll skip it if I fall asleep late. It's not stressful I can reschedule. Tbh I'll reschedule the eye exam too if I absolutely have to. I'll see what happens. Let's cross our fingers that the half will be effective tomorrow when I'm less stressed cause I've had back to back responsibilities but yea I'll cancel worse case and sleep in.

Moving on I am seeing my doctor on the 28th about my insomnia. I'll be face to face with her and I'm going to tell her my black hairy tongue has not healed and show her as it's a direct side effect of xanax. And then I'm going to ask for estrazolam 2mg or doral 15 mg. She was only going to give me 7.5 mg of temazepam and on the benzodiazepine equivalency chart 20-30 mg is equivalent to 0.5-1.mg of xanax which is why I didn't do it.... although I did this all over the phone so maybe seeing me a month later face to face and seeing my tongue hasn't healed and it's not yeast or viral... Maybe she will hear me out. I need something equivalent to the 1mg xanax I am on.

I'm going to ask her for doral 15mg or estrazolam 2 mg and show her the chart and say the only reason I'm sleeping is fucking xanax and it saved my life but I'd rather my tongue stay this way and sleep then risk full blown insomnia.

I picked estrazolam 2mg bc they come in 1 and 2 and 2 is equal to 1 mg of xanax per this chart... it's a better insomnia benzo cause it's made for insomnia unlike xanax... and if she won't do that cause she wants to do the lowest dose possible then I'll ask for doral another insomnia benzodiazepine that comes on 15 mg tablets... it's equivalent to 1MG of xanax. I'll show her the chart, and I'm hoping face to face Interaction, and facts will help my case. I won't hold my breath. I expect I'll end up going to the psychiatrist... but Prohealth is fucking reliable af. That's the issue. Psychiatrists are not. Maybe I'll just have black hairy tongue for the rest of my life to make sure I sleep. I don't think I'm going to depend on a psychiatrist and end up getting fucked in the end....

Prohealth is truly reliable and once I get another benzodiazepine from someone else they will stop prescribing it. I may not be able to get her to reperscribe it....

So yea I'm stressed about that. Hopefully BHT and face to face will change things when I show her this chart.

At some point I may start smoking weed again, I mean I didn't need to take 400 different drugs to sleep. I slept solidly throughout the night and my fucking tongue needs to heal. I hope the 28th goes well. Weed is a big decision I'm really going to think about it and see how the 28th goes.

Also what makes matter worse is my sleep environment.. I can't sleep in silence bc otherwise I hear the voice. It's maddening. I don't want to listen to being scared bc I want cartoon mental pictures. Happy ones. Not realistic ones...

So I listen to bobs burgers or American dad. Something with a lot of dialogue bc it tunes the voice out. Unfortunately there is all this singing and loud noise. Bare in mind I turn it down as much as I can where I can hear the dialogue clearly but i do need hearing aids.

Bobs has to be at like 18 or 19 volume. American dad for some reason can be at 14 volume. Nonetheless it isn't a good slept environment. Loud noisy singing and clattering versus hearing happy birthday 50000 times. And not to mention trying to think positive thoughts and think over aka align with the voice so that's what I hear. I gave up on that months ago.

Either way I guess I'll figure it out. I just took my 1 mg Xanax. And I fucking hate Kristen fucking dew. I've don't nothing this week with her but later this week I will. I got to get my general health taken care of first.

Weed may need to happen cause I feel like a pilll head popping everything I can just to hit sleep stage one.

Beyond that- my thyroid is clearly close to normal. No doubt. Graves can cause insomnia. I haven't seen a single fucking improvement in that regard unfortunately.

Hopefully it's still higher than it should be and once it normalized it fixes it... idk... I have options but it's getting down I might as well smoke a little weed everyday and go back to sleeping like a baby at the risk of making psychosis worst. I'll still have xanax....

Idk. I don't feel entirely hopeless but I am truly worried about the half MG losing effectiveness. Nonetheless I will sleep everyday and soon it will be 7 hours again. And I'll cancel things if i have to, to get my 7 hours. There is no reason to stress out.

I just wrote a book but it helped. Cause this is one of the reasons I can't sleep in silence. Even if this POS hallucination shut up finally, I don't have a ton of positive thoughts but if it did stop Id start listening to being scared again.

Lastly I hate having to see Mike again. I saw him today and he cut me off so much as I tried to explain my Xanax/sleep schedule thing that it took me about 55 minutes to get it out when I would have been able to say it all in 25 minutes if he just shut up about movies and BS and let me talk... I had so many othet things I needed to talk about hence the book I just wrote.

I got to find another therapist who can read a fucking room stfu and listen and wait until I stop talking. I want your input but fucking let me finish what I'm fucking saying so I can get it fucking out

I'm ending this rant with the equivalence chart cause it's factually I need a higher dose of another benzo. I carefully picked estrazolam and especially doral cause it comes only in 15 mg capsules...... please prohealth fucking help me.

[dopaminergicaddictions]

3/7/24

6:33 p.m

I fell asleep somewhere between 7:40 a.m to 8:40 am. I woke up peeded and couldn't fall back to sleep. I opened my eyes at 9:36 a.m and decided to double up and take Benadryl, hydroxyzine 50mg and allegra D. I was slightly stuffy but I knew I'd pass back out. I fell asleep by like 10:15 a.m

I had to cancel therapy bc I needed my 7 hours.I woke up at 5 p.m.

I actually started smoking weed as of 30 minutes ago. I can't stay asleep. I wake up and toss and turn for 40 minutes and end up having to take a list of antihistamines and double up just to get back to sleep.

I can't get up and pee waking up 5 hours after sleep without not being able to fall asleep. So now I wake up needing to pee and keep my eyes closed until I fall back asleep which is rapid- I'm on my circadian rhythm. I'm up for 16-18 hours a day.. when I take my pill every night..

My doctor won't switch my benzo and I NEVER had an issue falling back to sleep when I smoked weed. Now I have a problem falling asleep, which I always did.

But now I have a problem falling back to sleep. I used to pass out in legit 10 minutes max when I smoked weed and woke up and sued the Bathroom...

I hope it doesn't make shit worse. If it does I'll stop- If I don't notice my sleep habits go back to what they were, I'll stop.

I just can't fucking handle it anymore. I won't do edibles or anything but vaping a little throughout the day and especially before bed should help with insomnia. I really wanted to attend my appointment today, I needed the appt bc I only had one where we discussed countertransference and how she cant see me anymore. Erin canceled Monday, Tuesday was not therapy it was clearing the air before termination..

but 7 hours is fucking critical and it was 10:15 -10:20 a.m by the time I likely passed out.

Beyond that when I would wake up and pee before I would take a hit and pass back out. Also-I slept better, longer. Fell sleep semi quickly- I def had insomnia but I took Benadryl with weed and was able to achieve sleep by 20-30 minutes or closing my eyes.

I stayed asleep and fell back to sleep instantly from November 3rd, 2023 to November 22nd, 2023 when I was smoking. And I passed out in 30 minutes when intially falling to sleep.

Then I stopped weed and it turned into 7 hours with my eyes closed following November 22nd- December 26th 2023...

Then I started Xanax and I could fall asleep within 1 hour of taking it to 2 hours (max effectiveness). But I would close my eyes when I felt tired... and was fighting them. Xanax saved me from terrible insomnia ans continues to....

But why can't I fall back to sleep when I get up and pee and close my eyes for approximately 5 minutes max after getting up when it was never a problem before? For one there are better sleep benozs out there that my doctor won't persxibe... and for Two idk.. Maybe I need fucking weed.

I'm going to judge if it gets worse based on a couple things. I've been sober since 11/22/23... and yea it's gotten a lot better but at the same time- time can be the reason...

This is how I'm going to judge if it gets worse:

1) if it gets intelligent- it hasn't been for months. If it doesn't repeat what I'm saying it's a happy birthday, successful and deadname auto bot skipping record.

2) if it gets creative. There are no stories and there haven't been since November...

3) if it gets louder- which I don't expect....

4) if it gets more frequent.. this is the hardest one to judge... as it is almost 24/7 but I get some moments of quiet. But I mean like 35 seconds in a silent room. Nothing significant...

After taking like 5 or 6 hits- I don't really feel high strangely enough. I feel balanced. I feel like my brain is like omg thank you.

Idk if my D2 receptors will get worse or if they'll remain uneffected by low level thc vaping... 75% for the full vape... all i know is taking edibles is a lot worse...

I'm judging my insomnia over the next few days.

1) do I fall asleep faster?

2) do I stay asleep solidly through the night?

3) I'm going to get up and pee and see if I can fall asleep from a few hits like I used to instead of laying there with my bladder full.

I guess we will see how it works. I started it early bc I know I'm going to have anxiety about making my auditory hallucination worse. I can't just try it for the first time 5 months at 7 a.m when I close my eyes.

Let's see what happens-wish me luck. As much as thc can worsen psychotic symptoms. Thc is directly related to curing insomnia.. sleeping regularly is directly related to recovering from psychosis. You can actually get sleep deprivation psychosis...

Beyond that: before I was smoking weed prior to psychosis and during, I could stay asleep for like 7-10 hours every single fucking night...no joke...

Now I get approximately 7 if I ignore my bladder.

The only difference is- I couldn't sleep on weed October 10th to November 3rd... I microslept but the voice was so fucking loud I couldn't sleep through it and i was so scared by what it was saying. I also was doing hynopgogic... causing more hallucinations bc I refused to pee. I refused to open my eyes and I would lay around with my eyes closed for hours every single day all day long trying to sleep. I wasn't promoting good sleep habits. I should have stayed up did my normal activities and only Closed my eyes at the 16 to 17 hour mark on my circadian rhythm. I should have opened my eyes every 20 minutes and peeded when I needed to. Maybe I wouldn't have microslept. I can't go back in time.

So hopefully this works out. I'm scared but it's not my fault my doctor won't give me a benzo for insomnia. I'm meeting with her Tuesday and I'm going to talk to her face to face and lie and say I recovered from psychosis. I'm going to say I've tried to sleep without Xanax but I can't. Cause then it's no longer a mental health issue. I don't think she will switch it despite my black hairy tongue side effect that won't recover bc I don't want the lowest dose. I want one dose up bc I take 1 mg of xanax a night... the sleep dose is .5 and she wasn't willing to match it. Maybe if she hears I recovered from psychosis I still have insomnia bur Xanax works but my tongue is still inflamed and I knows it's from Xanax but I would rather stay on Xanax if you won't give me a comparable dose or estrazolam or one of the better sleep benzos. We will see what happens. I don't have high hopes... that's all I'm saying..

Not to mention with Ptsd you can hear voices... yet PTSD is a diagnosis that qualifies for medical marijuana. I may have psychosis but that doesn't mean it'll make the voice worse.

I'll keep a close track of how my body reacts to thc with the hallucination and how it reacts to sleep with thc being reintroduced.

[todayisawthewhxlewxrld]

I ended up napping, woke up a little later, then planned to sleep around 10 yesterday. I was feeling a bit more bold, but guess what. NOPE, I should have gone to sleep at 9. Cause my.. Well we'll just say my little pumkin spice latte with frothed milk and whipped cream decided to wake up at that time, it was like 5 or 6 am for them and they got all sad when I said that I wanted to go to bed. So obviously, I stayed up talking to them. I cave for them way too much it's honestly crazy, cause why did I WILLINGLY stay up until 4 am just messaging them. 😔 Guess what though, I paid the price. I woke up at 6 pm today, and am physically unable to go back to bed at this precious hour. (It's officially 9), and the mf went to bed a couple of hours ago.

Bruh I'm absolutely GONE. I refuse to talk to my friends, like if I'm gonna waste my sleeping hours I'm gonna do it with the loml BUT THE LOML IS SLEEPING? 😭🙏

Also I think I accidentally hurt their feelings earlier, and I'm pretty sure that's why I'm unable to sleep. I keep thinking about it and I feel HORRIBLLLEEEEE.

ANYWAYS THOUGH ENOUGH ABOUT ME

I say that but here I am, Apparently the only man I draw is Choso. Like the last time I drew a dude was a few years ago.. And it was Katsuki.. It looked awful and I came across it today.

ALSO UM. I SAW UR TAXIDERMY BUTT PLUG POST...? IDK HOW LONG AGO THAT WAS, BUT UM WHAT? I started PASSING AWAYYYY when I saw it, and it's unforgivable 💀 Like you're going to hell, and the person that asked to see them... You're going even deeper in hell. WHY WERE THEY SKUNKS??

[Insert clearing my throat to get your attention] I'm trying to remember what you replied to me with, so I can reply back but I'm having a hard time doing so 😔 Might have to come back in a minute to see

OHOHOH, I honestly don't have enough energy to make all the parts to post. I mean, I could do oneshots, probably, but then I'm afraid people will ask for more of it, and then I'm not able to because I don't think far ahead LOL. But I'm heavily considering it, I already have one written of Sukuna out of boredom, so I think I'm gonna post it. Honestly so much credit to you for getting it done beforehand and THEN posting the parts 😭

Xoxo 👽

ur sleeping schedule or lack thereof truly amazes me. like jesus christ.

help i also canr sleep when i think i hurt someone’s feelings twinsies 🤞

i just like drawing (objectifying) men :3

LMFAOOOO LISTENNNNNNNNNN it’s so fucking funny dude when i saw that shit i was LOSING MY MINDDDD LIKE WHY A FUCKING SKUNK HEAD??? WHY SOMETHING TAXIDERMY OF ALL THINGS LFMAOOA LIKE HUHHHHH lord have mercy

i dont rmbr what i even replied with if that makes u feel better LMFOAOA

OH YEAH DO ONESHOTS one shots r so fun to write… omg what’s the sukuna one about heh.

#axel answers ☆⋆｡𖦹°‧★ #axel answers// 👽

[ayvepeedee]

entry seven I forgor

never trust someone with a dissociative disorder to remember .

umm idk when i last updated this but i Think it was like sept oct soooo uh update, i have a TUMOR and its most likely not but COULD be cancer ummm and still with the gf, after the update ill talk abt current events that relates to hir currently, ummm im failing 4 classes and ive officially decided on my major/career but not in my college! i have however been contemplating going to canada!!! umm im besties with my friend aki i bought her and my gf and i lethal company and thats been a recent

uhhhh RECENTS! OF TODAY/LATELY

i have been pretty like mentally exhausted and exhausted in general! im barely passing classes and the ones i am are guaranteed passing cause its music and Woodshop. Fuck woodshop hope it dies! i talked to my doctor i was on birth control for periods and she recommended i stay off until i talk to a surgeon to have SURGERY and what they decide dictates if i still should but ive been put onnnnnnnum nausea meds and migraine meds !

uhhh abt my gf stuff, specifically today

shi has been feeling weird lately and today was like that kinda breaking point, shi has someone in front that manages episodes (mania depressive ect) nd shi thinks something bad is gonna happen soon and i feel bad cause i feel like shi should be happy cause shi deserves it all! i know that doesnt just happen but shi deserves to be happy shis been thru a lot and i care about hir!!!! so i let hir know once shi was sleeping that shi can talk to me about stuff, or shi doesnt have to! cause talking to an app with a bunch of people that are unbiased and dont know you va your boyfriend biased and knows you is different! and i get how shi might want both, one or the other, or neither maybe! but i still want hir to know im there and that i care!

gf stuff, not just today

lately shis been tiring me and doing things shi wants to do and like when im not interested in things i dont wanna be mean about it just Don't wanna do it and i don't want hir to think i dont care cause i do i just don't wanna do it myself when shi could do it when its something shis talking to me about but also last time we talked about something together i said hey i need reassurance a lot and shi did it twice and hasn't done it again and i just don't like feel like that easy i need that reassurance helllooooo tumblr user ayvepeedee here !!!! and shis my safe person but its like ill always overthink that'll never change !!!!

i was in a call with my gf and aki for 500 HOURS can you believe that! it was SO DRAINING but it was really fun! it made me sad when they'd hang without me cause id be at school or i was tired but they were nice to be around! theyre my besties i love them

i.ummm have missed A Bit of school causeof my doctor stuff! and im gonna keep doing that :( like if i end up getting surgery for my tumor it'll probably be in a school day and thats likr at least a day or two or more of rest cause like my tumors in my boob and i have to be REALLY careful in that area rn and after surgery it'll be extra sensitive for a while and im kinda a rough person so ive been less rough but like ACK! IM LIKE ZONING OUT WHILE WRITING THIS IS ENOUGH BYYYEEEE!!!! :3

#diary #actually adhd #actually autistic #actually avoidant #actually avpd #actually borderline #actually bpd #actually mentally ill #milos diary #lgbt #queer

[foggyparadisecandy]

[Trauma dumping - scroll on by if you are looking for horny stuff]

I know, I know ... another one. I'm just purging it out as fast as I can. Catharsis in a public blog. Why not?

This one in particular is written for my ex-partner even though I know she won't read it. I just have to play pretend to feel remotely good about things.

Hey D - I want to start off and say that I love you, I care about you, and I forgive you for anything and everything. Please remember that you can always reach back out to me.

Yeah, what you did was pretty shitty tbh. But ... it's ok. I mean ... yeah ... do better. Good people do shitty things on occasion and IDK.

Maybe I'm way off base but everything points to a horrible trauma response. I could be wrong. I don't think so though.

Either way, who gives a shit at this point. I forgive you and the point of this letter is to ask that you don't use your treatment of me or us to beat yourself up.

It hurt. It still hurts. It probably will hurt for awhile but I'm going to come back stronger than I was before so, in the end, it will be a net positive for me. Except for losing you. That ... really ... is awful tbh.

I've told you how much you brightened my life in other letters so I'm moving past that one here. Let's talk about me for a moment and where I'm at and where I'm heading so you can feel like "hey ... Foggy is going to be ok ... I didn't permanently harm him and it seems like he's actually doing well."

And let's really quiet that subconscious that makes you want to feel bad - at least on this particular issue. It's all going to be better than fine for me in the end. I know that and you should feel ok about me.

I've made a lot of new friends who have been very kind and accommodating to my pain. You know I'm a curious dude and it's been very interesting to hear so many stories from other people. Love it.

I've reconnected with some old friends - online and in RL. I've got a pretty full social calendar these days which is a first in ... a loooong time. Pretty ironic considering how much I was always telling you to build connections and my own were thin.

I've started working out. It's only been 7 weeks and I'm doing pretty freaking good tbh. I started doing pushups and planks every time I thought of you but ... that got exhausting fast ... you are always on my mind lol. So I cut back to 30 minutes per day.

I've had it out with my wife about everything. Well ... not exactly everything but most things. I'm not sure where that goes but I know I don't want to go back to a boring status quo situation. You opened my eyes to a new way to exist and I want more, not less. It'll be ok either way - I know that for sure.

I've lost 8 pounds in 7 weeks. This one isn't really a blessing lol. I couldn't eat or hold food down for the first five weeks. Only really started eating again recently. But it is what it is. I wasn't heavy at all but I'm happier thinner so ... a win?

I've ... mostly ... started to be able to sleep through the nights again. For the longest time, the most I could sleep was 3 or 4 hours then wake and could not drift back off. I still ... am struggling ... a bit. Woke up the other morning at 4 am crying. That wasn't fun. But it's rare lately and I'm guessing will be gone soon enough. Not sure if this is a win or if it's me just feeling sorry for myself. I'm guessing the latter but I'm leaving it in here because it *is* better than it was early on so it's progress.

I've started therapy to figure out why I chase after helping others (mostly women) to fill the sad little hole in my soul. Actually ... I already know why. You know all the shit with my mom and ... yeah ... I'm working on it. Trying to get healthy for the first time since I was a ten year old kid. Kind of silly that it took you breaking up with me for me to figure this stuff out. It is really breaking me down to realize my life since ten has been so fucked up with trauma. Can you imagine not clearing your trauma away for that long? Can you imagine that? I hope not. Did you get that hint? I hope so.

I've refocused on work for the first time in a decade. I've set some huge fucking goals. I want to hit it big and I've given my team through the end of next year. I'm going to do it and then I'm going to fuck off from work and shift my priorities to something else - something more fulfilling. It's still to early but I want to take some of those self-improvement things we did together and do something with them for others. I'm using them on myself so I can see how they work and where they need to be fine-tuned. We'll see how it all goes.

I'm trying to figure out what makes me genuinely happy. All of my belief systems have been shattered tbh. I ... don't know yet if that's bad or good or just is what it is. I don't know anything atm about love or happiness or fulfillment or ... anything. I'm still more than a bit lost. You untethered me from everything I knew about myself. I'm not saying this is a bad thing ... I'm saying ... I don't know what comes next. Knowing me, it's going to be fucking great and better than it was. I've always been pretty good at solving problems and making great things happen for myself and those around me (as you know).

I'm doing my best to be kind to myself. I am not sure when the last time I was kind to myself was. I honestly can't remember when I've had a decent thing to say about myself. It's always been "do better" "be better" stuff. I'm working on it as fast as I can. Beating yourself up is an awful way to live. Not sure why I need your splitting on me to figure that out.

I have realized ... despite everything ... I am a good and decent and kind person. I lost sight of that for a hot minute there. I'm not perfect. Hah. Nope. But I do the best I can and I am quick to take steps to change up when I know I've fucked up. But yeah ... I'm good and decent and kind. I know those things now better than I ever have.

And ... you are good too. I know it deep down in my soul.

I see it in you. You are not your father. Far from it.

And you didn't permanently hurt me here. Lots of good will come from this. Believe it. Thank you for everything.

And I believe good things will happen for you. I have full faith in you.

I am no longer in a position to tell you what to do but ... please work on your trauma. For your own sake. And find a new path in life. I know you feel like your current job is your life but ... that job will bring you nothing but misery and sorrow and trauma and damage.

You deserve better. You know that. Deep down, you know everything we shared showed you a different path.

You deserve far better.

You might need to go through some pain to get on a new path but I know who you are. I know you are a fighter and know how to get shit done. You can and will do it. Start planning. Start doing.

And legit ... I'm still here and willing to boost you along in life.

I've always wanted one thing: to see you reach your full potential. It's amazing. The world is waiting to see it.

One final thing that I have discovered and honestly I feel really good about this one - even if you never reach out again:

I love you sincerely and wish nothing but the best.

#catharsis #self care #thoughts