#I was already tired and depressed for a few years but when I got covid a few months ago after managing to avoid it for 3 years it amplified | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

boo8008 · 7 months

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Three Months - Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto x Fem!Reader Chapter 02: Mince

Prologue | Chapter 01: Quadriller | Chapter 02: Mince

Series Summery: Its been one year since The Bear's soft open, and with everything running smoothly, Carmen's lost in his thoughts, until the final table of the night is seated.

Chapter Summery: After the minor introduction of you and Carmy, your about to prepare the first dinner post Covid and before Stevie and Michelle leave, one Carmen is also coming to. Only cooking dinner is not going as smoothly as you'd hoped.

Mince (v.) - to finely divide food into uniform pieces smaller than diced or chopped foods, prepared using a chef's knife or food processor

Word Count: ~3,865

My Notes bb: Hey….. How yall doin? Sorry this took so long to get out, work and life suddenly got busy and I didn't have time to write. I hurt my back though so it kinda forced me to write and crank this out. Hopefully its not as bad I as I still feel like it is but yea. Again sorry this took so long to get out. Hope you enjoy! (ps my therapist thinks this is a decent outlet though lol thanks Sandra)

2021 (December)

Carmen hardly ever came to dinner after those first few weeks, and Michelle said something about him working at Eleven Madison Park. While you were happy he head ended up at the high end restaurant, you knew he was working under one hell of an asshole. He seemed to be doing fine enough though. Granted, you would only catch small glimpses of him on nights when you stayed later than intended and he walked only into his room to sleep, with just a small mumbled ‘hi’ thrown your way. Eventually he managed to move out on his own and only came to dinner about once every two months when Michelle would insist on it.

Once covid hit though, you'd basically lost contact with him. Michelle even rarely managed to drag him into group facetime calls with you. They were mainly her or Stevie recounting their last two weeks of quarantine in a dramatic fashion and you and Carmen would be listening half heartedly. If Carmen was there, he seemed to just sit out on a fire escape in his building and smoke, thinking about other things. Everytime you picked up though, missing being around the two people you actually liked. You would use it as a little reprieve from writing yet another ‘easy recipes for quarantine’ article, or to have company while you organized and re-organised random spots throughout your apartment.

Mostly though you would use it to get away from the depressive thoughts of ‘what am I doing with my life?’ or ‘if something happened to me, only Michelle and Stevie would really know.’ you didn't realize how much you missed being around people until you couldn't anymore, just stuck with yourself and your cat in your apartment. You missed the mindless chatter from coworkers at your office and in person interviews with cranky chefs because they gave you more to think about than yourself. All you began to think about was how bad the piece you were working on was, even if your editor said it was great. You felt tired and tired of being tired. All you wanted was to have a nice dinner with Stevie and Michelle, and fuck even hearing from Carmen would be amazing even if it was another awkward conversation with someone you just barely knew.

In short covid sucked ass and made your already anxious brain even worse. Not to mentioned your sense of time became fucked and all of your normally scheduled daily things also hard to keep track of. While quarantine had somewhat ended, you all found yourselves too busy trying to get back into the groove of ‘normalcy’ and offices to have dinner again, canceling for meetings or being too tired. Leading to today, when after months of planning and rescheduling you had completely forgotten that dinner was not only being held at you place, but you were also cooking because Michelle and Stevie had nothing in their kitchen because they were leaving two weeks early to isolate before Christmas in Chicago, and to top it all off, Carmen was (for once) coming to dinner. You remembered only when Stevie sent you a text asking what time worked best to come over, and not wanting to cancel for the tenth time, you told them 7:00. So you left work early to run for the subway, then run to the grocers to get real food, and then ran home to start cooking.

Only cooking was not going as planned.

It was 6:30 and dinner was nowhere near done. It was like you had forgotten everything you knew about actually cooking, and you’re a food journalist for Christ's sake! This should have been something you could do fairly easy! You write about things like this all the time! Yet here you are, chicken suddenly burning in the oven from when you stepped away to check your recipe to make sure everything was going okay and you that were good to start the pasta. You quickly removed the now pucks from the oven and turned it off. You resolved to just sitting on the floor across from your oven and crying, thinking about where it all went wrong-not the dinner but everything. Quiet sobs racked your body as you sad down on your kitchen floor, forgetting about your phone and the fact your last text said “doors unlocked when you get here”.

Carmen didn’t want to go to dinner but knew he wouldn't hear the end of it from Michelle if he didn’t show up. And to be frank he wanted her to stop calling him a hermit too. So he grabbed his jacket after lunch service and headed home to shower and change, doing his best to not think of his shitty boss saying he was worthless for taking one evening off. He hadn't done that even during covid, constantly asking what the plan was or if the kitchen was open. He decided to head out early to your place sending a quick text and leaving. As he approached your door he could definitely smell burning, very unlike the pre-covid dinners you made. While not Michelin level, what you made were perfect home cooked and leftover meals to him. A nice change from his go to PB&Js with Doritos and a Coke. He checked his phone again making sure the apartment number was right and reread your last text again. He still knocked on the door before he opened it, out of habit.

“Yo its me,” Carmen called out, peeling off his jacket as he looked around the entryway of your small apartment. You jumped at the knock and stood up as the door opened, and as Carmen called out, you turned to face the sink in your kitchen.

“In here!” your voice was wobbly but you preyed he wouldn't notice. Carmen followed the sound and walked into the kitchen, seeing the blackened chicken on the stove and the mess of the rest of the kitchen.

“Jesus, the fuck did you try to cook?” he said it without thinking, and immediately you broke again. Crumbling in on yourself and to tired to try and hide it. Tears raining down your face and carmen short circuited, watching as you again sunk to the floor in a puddle.

“Shit fuck I-I’m sorry. Fuck! Wh-what can I do? What do you want me to do? Fuck sorry I-I’m bad at this.” he panics as he looks down at you crying. “Wh-want me to go? I-I can go- I should go. Shit, Sorry again.”

“S-s-stay?”

“What?” Carmen's pretty sure he heard wrong, after all he just caused you to meltdown from his social awkwardness.

“S-stay?” you say more clearly. You don't know why you ask it, let alone how it crawls out of your crying, shaking self. Its been so long sense you've been near someone else even a little close to you so maybe that's it. He stops for a minute looking down at you as you look up at him still crying. “Please?”

“... O-okay.”

He isn't sure why he stays, or why he sits down next to you while you cry, but he does. The apartment is quiet outside of you sniffles and the occasional sob but carmen stays put. Neither of you realize how much you've started leaning towards each other until your head is lightly lying on his shoulder. You’ve mostly stopped crying now but your face is still wet and your eyes are puffy.

He isn't sure what to say, with his mom asking if you were okay was off limits. It made everything worse. It lead to screaming and yelling and throwing things. He thinks about what someone normal, someone like Stevie, or Pete, or Natalie, what they would ask someone they hardly know if they saw them having a panic attack and decides to just do it, praying you’d be somewhat normal compared to his mother.

“You-you okay?” you'd almost forgot he was there, even if you were leaning on him, and sat up straighter, wiping your face.

“Yea, I’m-I’m sorry dinners ruined and for getting like that,” you say. Tears of embarrassment springing up at knowing that this (basically) stranger saw you cry.

“No no your fine-your cool,” he can feel panic rising again at making you cry again. “No no no offense but I-I was kinda in the mood for pizza anyways.” He's only partly lying, he wanted a home cooked meal but the pizza place he passed on his way here smelled greasy and amazing on his empty stomach.

“Are you sure? I still have the kitchen to clean and I just don't want you all to think that I don't care o-or anything that i-its our last dinner before you guys go back to Chicago for Christmas and I just-”

“Yea, your fine , its fine if we have pizza, I’ll text Michelle to grab it on their way over, they wont mind.”

“Okay…” you mumble, caving in on the choice of pizza and leaning your head back on the cabinet behind you. Carmens already pulling his phone out of his pocket when he spots the new texts from Stevie and Michelle on his lock screen.

Stevie: ‘Sorry gang, we dont think we can make it tonight, we still have a lot to pack 😕’

Michelle: ‘Yea I’m sorry i know its so close to dinner but maybe you two can get along without us????’

Michelle: ‘Sorry again lovelies xoxo 😘’

Michelle: ‘Dont be a dick carm 💛😘’

“Well fuck,” Carmen mumbled. He was now on his own to make conversation. “Looks like its just us for dinner. ‘Said they still have packing to do.”

“Oh,” was all you could think to say. Of course the universe would have the only two people you could actually converse with busy on the one night you were meant to see them.

“Yea…” Carmen wasn't sure how to proceed. Does he leave cause the only bridge between you both isn't showing? Does he stay because he already committed to dinner? God he feels so awkward.

“Well we could still get pizza?” you ask. “I mean you came all this way so it kinda feels like a waste.”

“You sure?”

“Yea, I mean I still gotta clean the kitchen but theres a place around the corner thats amazing after crying,” you say with a bit of a laugh to help bring up the awkward mood.

“Let me help you and we can go?” he suggests, already rising to his feet and offering you a hand.

“Are you sure? I mean the chicken I think is welded on there at this point,” you say. As your taking his hand and he pulls you to stand from your floor, you see his forearms flex and your mind short circuits as you look probably a second longer than you need to at the muscles and veins there. Luckily he doesn't notice because he's already turning and grabbing the now cool baking sheet with the chicken on it.

“Yea it’ll go faster, I think I can get this off too,” Carmen quickly took charge of washing the bowls, cutting boards, and other kitchen utensils you had pulled out in your frenzy to cook dinner on time.

In nearly no time at all the kitchen was clean and the two of you had left for the pizza parlor a block away. While yes the cleaning was a little awkward, the noise of the city on the walk made making any conversation difficult, meaning neither of you had to talk or struggle to make conversation.

“Pepperoni good?” Carmen asked as the two of you stood awkwardly next to each other, both of your jackets zipped all the way up thanks to the near unbearable cold outside.

“Y-yea, they make bomb garlic knots too if you want some,” you responded, skimming over the menu even though you already knew what the plan was.

“C-cool, um,” Carmen looked around the small shop, there was just the counter and a cooler for drinks, no seating. The place reminded him of the beef, dingy, and not that healthy, but god damn was this about to be the best food he could ever get. “Did you want to go back to your place? Cause… cause there's no tables and stuff…” Carmen cringed at the awkward way the words came out.

“Yea if that's good with you?” you said taking a step forward, the two of you would look at each other before looking away, as if the tiled flooring was so interesting. You decided to take a page out of Stevie’s book, he was better with people than you were so you prayed the attempted joke would land. “I mean we could eat out in the cold if your more comfortable?” A smile pressed its way onto Carmen’s face and you considered that a victory.

“Yea no, I love eating outside when its about to snow,” he snickered. “Reminds me of home.” You both shifted closer as the people in front of you pushed pass you both to leave with their pizzas. As you both stepped up to the counter Carmen was faster than you in not only placing the order, a large peperoni with a side of garlic knots, but also whipping out his wallet and paying, you on the other hand had barely stumbled out a hello and barely started shifting your bag to get out your own wallet by the time he was done.

“You didn’t have to do that,” you mumbled as you both stepped off to the side to wait.

“Yea well, its cool I got the money,” Carmen added. You only partly doubted it, he worked at the highest rated restaurant in the world but also lived in New York so it kinda balanced out. You both distracted yourselves for a few minuets looking at your phones, you taking to a word search game and Carmen playing the fun game of ‘who is this and why do I have their number?’ with his contacts. It felt a little more relaxing compared to earlier, more like the same air you both got when Stevie and Michelle would leave the room at your normal dinners, not pressured to talk but liking the fact another person was next to you.

“Order 447!” you and carmen both jumped as the number was yelled through the small shop. Carmen stepped forward and took the box and bag from the worker, turning to you, where you grabbed the bag and began to head out before he got up the words to protest that he's got it.

Luckily the only awkward part of the walk back to your apartment was the elevator ride up. As you both stepped into your apartment you were both greeted by the loud yelling of your cat as she rounded the corner to yell at you for leaving for a whole 30 minuets.

“Yea yea your fine baby,” you told her as you took the pizza from Carmen. “You good with just sitting on the couch? I don't want to do anymore kitchen cleaning.”

“Heard,” Carmen carmen said as he took off his jacket. He was looking down at the feline weaving between his legs and bent down to let her sniff him so he could pet her, instead she smelt him and abruptly ran back deeper in the apartment and he smiled a little at the cat, following it with his eyes to you coming out of the kitchen with two cans of coke, paper plates, and paper towels. Something in him stirred at the mundane and domestic sight but he waved it off as more anxiety.

“Wait-shit-your not allergic to cats are you?” you asked panicked.

“N-no,” Carmen's voice broke a little as he said it and he cleared his throat. “No… My, um, my mom never let us have one when I was a kid, something about the furniture. I always wanted one though.” Why’d his voice break like that? Why’d he bring up his mom? Fuck now he's gonna have to explain everything.

“Cool-cool,” you were turning to head deeper into the apartment again and Carmen followed, getting a better look at the place now that he wasn't rushing to the kitchen. “That's Mince, cause when I got her she was tiny and I wasn't thinking ahead.” He took in the living room, a nice, small sectional couch with a blanket over the back was against one wall, and a tv with bookcases full of nick-nacks and heavy looking books with holiday lights around it. The center of the room had a buttery carpet and the coffee table with the pizza and garlic knots on it.

“Make yourself at home,” you added. You’d never felt more aware of your actions than now, as Carmen looked at more of your space with posters and pictures around it and you were just trying to tell yourself to act normal. He took in the dining table with four perfectly mismatched chairs that was tucked into a corner on the other side of the wall from the kitchen. Mince catches his attention from the couch, batting at his hand from her spot on the arm rest. He again goes to pet her only for her to skip off and run to the opposite end where you are. Carmen finally takes a seat on the couch, the two of you as far as you could be. You both dig into the pizza and Carmen can’t help but think about how good it is.

“Fuck,” he groaned. It definitely compensates for the shitty morning he had and the rollercoaster of emotions he felt around you.

“Right?” you said through a smile. You were turning on the tv and poking around for something to watch.

“‘S so fucking good,” he said through another bite. “Chicago is still better though.” he mumbled.

“Fuck off,” you finally settled on Bobs Burgers that you left off on. You both ate in a mostly comfortable silence, focusing on the show and avoiding looking at each other. Once you felt you were full you settled back into the couch, and glanced at carmen sitting in your space, he had made himself more comfortable, and he looked nice there, leaned up against the arm of the couch with one arm draped over the back of the couch fiddling with a part of the blanket and his legs spread wide. You shifted your focus back to the television not wanting to make it more weird.

“So… did you finish packing already?” you settled on conversation to distract you from the thought of crawling into his lap. “For Chicago I mean.”

“Oh um,” Carmen was a little startled by the sudden conversation, but fuck it you already cried in front of him today, it was his turn to share. “N-no I’m just staying here, rather not watch my mom drive the car through a wall and my brother fight my uncle again.”

“Jeez, I’m sorry,” Steve had told you some of what happened that Christmas, mainly summarized as a big blowout of a fight between Michelle’s cousin Mikey and her kinda-uncle Lee, and her aunt Donna driving her car through the living room. God why'd you bring this up? He probably didn't want to talk about it. “Did you have any plans then?” Please let this be a decent change of topic you think.

“Just work, go home, smoke and eat, sleep, just like the last two years,” he says with a sigh. “Wh-What about you?”

“No, I was just gonna stay in and watch some movies.” Carmen answers with an affirming ‘hm’, not wanting to overstep and ask more questions. Even with the both of you wanting to talk more, neither of you know how to go from here. You turn you attention back to the television as Carmen turns his head a little to quietly observe you.

Curled up in the corner of the couch in a cozy, old, and ratty sweatshirt with some leggings and fuzzy holiday grippy socks, hair down, and face still a little puffy from the winter air and your tears, but still beautiful in the darkening light of your apartment, mundanely so. Not a supermodel ripped from the cover of vogue, or an unobtainable influencer with hair and makeup perfectly placed for pictures. You look like you belong there. You look real. Cozy and warm on your couch with the lights from the streets down below hitting you just so. Home he thinks, before quickly turning his attention back to the tv. Its not like he’d ever have a shot with you anyways, he’s always too busy, or too angry, or too much of an asshole in general. Where’d all of those thoughts even come from? He hardly ever felt at home with anyone, especially outside of the kitchen.

As the show plays on the two of you get lost in it and enjoying the act of being alone together, occasionally steeling glances at each other. You find yourself kind of liking being with him, not necessarily talking or interacting but the feeling of another person in the same room as you feels nice. Carmen won't say it but he's enjoying himself too. The show and coziness of your apartment make him feel relaxed more than his barren dingy apartment ever could, and the abundance of stuff artfully placed helps give him something to look at and think on rather than get lost in his anxiety and self doubt. Why does she have a Halloween decoration out its December…right? He thinks. Your both trying to think on how to ask for what you want but you beat him too it. Probably because you grew up with Steve and his weird ball of encouragement always on your side.

“Did you want to hang out? On Christmas I mean,” you finally get the courage to ask. Phew, not that bad.

“I mean I-I don't want to intrude,” Carmen starts. “Plus I have work the next day.”

“You could sleepover? If-if you want,” you prepose. “We can still smoke, eat, and sleep if you want. All the traditions you enjoy, a-and I don’t think I’m far from the line you need?”

You definitely aren't. In fact your apartment is somehow on a faster route to work than his own. The only reason you know is because of the Bake It Nice pop up bakery Eleven Madison Park does once a month that you always try to make time for. Carmen thinks on it for a second, and your sure he's looking for a way to let you down nicely.

“You sure your okay with me leaving at 5:00 in the morning?” he asks.

“Absolutely,” you say with a smile, and something in Carmen stirs. “Plus I can pass the fuck out again when you leave anyways.” he smiles at that, still unsure what feeling he's having right now, but he likes it.

“Okay,” he says and you both return you attention back to the show smiling like children. Your legs a little more outstretched towards carmen and his body begging to sink further into your couch. Relaxing to the feeling of you.

#carmy berzatto #carmy x reader #carmen berzatto #carmen berzatto x reader #the bear #the bear fic #the bear hulu #the bear fx #carmy x you #carmy x fem!reader #jeremy allen white

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redhoodedangel · 2 years

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Fear Fever (Arkham! Jason Todd X Sick!Reader)

So, while I’m struggling at home with COVID, I need some comfort, feels and serotonin. Now, who better to write about than Arkham Knight!Jason Todd? Plus, I rarely do a self-indulgent/serotonin/ depression cure fic to get me through sickness (because I rarely get sick).

Basic premise, Reader is sick during the Halloween from Hell in Gotham. Unfortunately, she couldn’t make it during the evacuation of the city due to how tired and ill she was. The Arkham Knight then breaks into her apartment and, upon realizing who she is and that she’s sick, starts taking care of her.

Warning ⚠️ : None other than mild violence, description of illness and breaking and entering

~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~

Out of all of the days of the years to get sick, Halloween was one of the worst times. Especially in the city of Gotham, when Scarecrow announced his takeover…

Unfortunately, given how tired and disgusting you felt, you couldn’t leave the city in time. The buses were full and already left and your car was demolished by rioters and thugs. You had no alternate but to stay home and rest, despite the risk of your apartment being broken into. But, you knew it would be a bad idea to go out into the criminal-infested streets while fatigued and plagued with illness. No doubt they would take advantage of your weakness.

You used to love Halloween when you were younger. The costumes, the makeup and face paint, the candy and scary movies. Unfortunately, that love for the holiday gradually diminished after the loss of your friend and crush, Jason Todd. No one knows what happened to him or where he went. You tried to get an answer from Bruce Wayne, the man who essentially adopted him. Only for the butler, Alfred, to tell that Jason had been murdered by the Joker. How it happened or why, they and you didn’t entirely know themselves and they didn’t really elaborate, either. All you knew was that Bruce was taking the loss very hard.

Popping a cough drop into your mouth, you let out a dry cough. A dull pounding shot through the front of your head as you did, causing you to groan. Laying back on your pillows, you placed a cool towel against your forehead to numb the pain. You could barely breathe through your nose because of how stuffy it was. It felt like you were breathing through two pieces of cotton. Or better yet, one nostril unblocked while the other was completely blocked off.

After a few minutes of dozing off and waking up, a loud BANG erupted from down the hall of your apartment building. Adrenaline overwhelmed your drowsiness and you immediately grabbed your two closest bags and started stuffing with what you needed. Including any medicine and remedies you had been using while resting and fighting off your disease.

Unfortunately, a series of footsteps came barreling up the stairs of the building. You knew that by the time you enacted your escape, they would’ve broken into the door to your condo and a chase would’ve ensued. Plus, if you attempted to fight through whoever was coming, you would probably be easily overpowered. So, you had to opt for the biggest and dumbest plan of all…

You hid under your bed…

As soon as you got under the mattress, the door to your apartment could be heard bursting open. You could hear the shouts of men, the cocking of guns and see the glow of flashlights under your bedroom door. Your anxiety spiked, your symptoms subsiding for the faintest moment. You were thankful that the drop you took earlier had temporarily suppressed your coughing.

“Alright, be on guard, men. She couldn’t have gone too far.” A digitalized voice flooded the deafening silence, disguising whoever was behind it. You remain silent, trying to stay calm with your fear spiking at every second of tension. Your eyes began to water from the migraine forming in your head and the prospect of getting caught.

A heavy set of footsteps came up to your bedroom door, forcing it open with a kick. You wanted to scream, but remembered that you were trying to hide. Your heart was thumping harshly against your rib cage, yet was unheard by the man in the room. You could make out the hefty, military-grade boots from under your mattress and your draped sheets and comforter.

Then came the tickling sensation within the bridge of your nose. You tensed up as you fought with yourself to dampen the feeling to get rid of the invincible result. Your frustration and hope to keep it down mounted as your panic escalated. The tickling grew and grew until it reached the tip of your nose. Then.. the impending exclamation of release and relief…

You sneezed like you’re trying to break the sound boundary. Your head throbbed as the sneeze worsened the migraine you already had. When you realized what you had done, you let out a swift and angry, “Son of a bitch!”

A force then grabbed you by the hoodie you were wearing, your anxiety now at its peak. Your entire being was forced to stand up and your eyes to look at the culprit. A blue-screened helmet with metal appendages, mocking Batman’s cowl, stared back at you. But, you felt like his real eyes were looking at you differently than the helmet was trying to convey. The rest of his suit fit perfectly against his frame, making him appear even more imposing. The Arkham ‘A’ was plastered on the chestplate and the logo on his shoulder pads.

Unaware of the cough you were holding back, you began to hack uncontrollably. The man holding you hostage seemed to react with a gesture of concern, cocking his head slightly to the side. You would’ve taken advantage of the momentary distraction, but you were too miserable to care.

“Sorry about this…”

No sooner he said that, you felt a punch strike you across the jaw…

~~~~~~~~~

You woke up to a dark room and a soft bed under you. A dam and cooling sensation was placed on your forehead, your bodily temperature a little more manageable now than it was before. Your headache was still present, but was more akin to a light pressure on your head than anything. Your fatigue was still there, no doubt along with the rest of your symptoms.

You were confirmed to be correct as a dry cough ripped through your throat. The cold cloth fought the pounding that came with it, making the pain more numb. The drowsiness from before started to kick in, your eyes becoming droopy. That was until the door to the room opened with a thud. Turning and picking up your head, you could see the armored commander from before, who came barging into your room. The towel slipped off your forehead, leaving a light chill on your skin.

“You should lay down your head back down or your head will hurt a lot more.” He said bluntly in that electronic voice.

“I don’t normally get kidnapped while sick. Pardon me for being curious.” You hissed, now laying on your side. The Knight laughed softly and humorlessly from under his mask. He then pulled out a thermometer from a pouch on his utility belt.

“Slip this under your tongue.” He requested, holding the instrument to your lips. You looked up at him, quizzical and a bit skeptical. He sighed, “Listen, I’m not gonna say it again…”

You did as you were told, taking the thermometer into your mouth and under your tongue. The both of you waited for a result to blink to life on the circular screen. It was only a few seconds when it finally flashed to life. The Knight pulled out the thermometer and examined the temperature on it.

“Hmmm, well, whatever fever you might’ve had before has gone down…”

“Yet, I still felt like crap…”

The Arkham Knight laughed humorlessly once more as he placed the thermometer on a nearby table.

“Even while sick, you still manage to be stubborn and blunt, (Y/N)…”

Your eyes widened as you realized that you hadn’t given him your name verbally. You began searching for potential ways that he could’ve learned your name from or where. You didn’t really have any personal items, displaying your name for all to see. No jewelry, no stitching into backpacks, no fancy keychains, nothing… you had nothing in your possession or in your apartment that would’ve given him your name…

So, how did he know…?

“I never told you my name…” you responded defensively, sitting up in the cot you had been lying in.

“Actually, you did… a long time ago…” he countered with a wit that was bigger than what you had originally thought.

“What do you mean? I’ve never met anyone like you before…”

The metallic click of a button suddenly followed your reply. The front of his mask began to lift up and reveal who laid underneath. A distinct ‘J’ marking was displayed on his left cheek, possibly a branding of some kind. You then caught sight of blue eyes as you looked further up.

The crystalline color was familiar to you…

Before you could stop yourself, the name spilled out from your lips…

“Jason?!”

“Hey, (Y/N)…”

Your jaw was practically on the floor by now. You had no other words to describe how you were feeling and even seeing right now. At first, you thought that the fatigue was finally messing with your head. But, you knew that would be a bit of a stretch as adrenaline was driving your every movement.

“Earth to (N/N)? You alright?” Jason asked concerned, snapping his fingers in front of your face.

“How? Bruce and Alfred told me that you were killed. By the Joker, of all people! How are you alive?”

“My death was a fake out. Joker made them believe that he had killed me. I’m surprised you haven’t put two and two together…”

The brain in your pain-riddled head began to turn and wind. You started putting an invisible puzzle together, trying to connect the dots. One by one, the picture became clearer and bigger. All at once, everything made sense and no sense at all. You softly uttered what your conclusion finally was…

“Bruce Wayne is Batman… and the others at the Manor are…”

“Yep…” Jason answered simply, confirming everything you had just figured out.

“Oh my god…” Your head suddenly began to spin and your stomach uneasy. Your arms was about ready to give out from under you.

“Hey, hey, take it easy. Don’t push yourself.” He said, clutching your shoulders in an attempt to help stay upright.

“How did you find me?”

“The rioters outside your apartment building. They were talking someone being inside and I realized that you were probably still in there. Thanks to the tech in my helmet, I saw that you were. Course, I didn’t know you were sick until I found you. So, I brought you somewhere where you could rest and recover without getting caught by criminals.”

You were relieved to know that him finding you wasn’t a coincidence. You were even more than happy to know that he was still alive. Though, a little darker and rough around the edges than before. You didn’t dare push him to tell you more or about his scars as you knew it would be painful for him to recall and retell the story…

So, instead, you just pulled him in a hug. He flinched for a moment before he calmed down and realized what you were doing. He returned the embrace, relieved that someone still cared about and haven’t forgotten him. You then said, “I’m really glad that you’re alive and that you found me. Your death was really hard for me to take… Nothing felt right again after you were gone…

“Thanks. I’m sorry that you had to go through all that…”

“It’s okay…”

You both sat there in the silence for a bit, just holding each other. Your head laid against the shoulder pad on his left arm. It was cool to the touch and was a welcome relief to your heated cheeks.

“Y’know, if I get sick, it’s your fault.” Jason said sarcastically, trying to break up the silence in whether way he could.

You laughed in response, appreciating the joke for what it was. Unfortunately, you had to pull away as another cough climbed through your throat.

“Hey, you rest up. I’ll be back later.” Jason said, moving away from the bed you were in.

“Be careful…”

Of course, you knew that with him as the Arkham Knight and his history with Batman, there was no such thing as ‘careful’.

You knew that too well…

Otherwise, you wouldn’t have gotten sick…

But, this time around, it was a bit more welcome…

Because it brought someone you lost back to you…

~~~~~~~~~

Hey, just a friendly reminder to wash your hands, wear your mask (if necessary or required) and don’t overwork yourself. Believe me, overworking yourself and burnout can easily end with you getting sick.

Anyways, have a good day!

#dc comics #batman #dc universe #jason peter todd #jason todd x reader #red hood x reader #arkhamverse #jason todd imagine #arkham knight #arkham knight x reader #reader insert #jason todd #self indulgence time #self indulgence at its finest #I has the sick #fuck covid

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bustour · 2 months

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tldr: plz plz plz start wearing a mask again if you have stopped

I've had a really hard time with figuring out how to communicate this, I don't want individuals to feel judged or attacked, I place blame mainly on the gov for not doing more to make people aware of the risks and how effective masking is, not providing people with free masks and accessible PCR testing, but maybe being venerable here will help someone feel seen, or give someone information they didn't already have, so here goes.

I am not comfortable going to events where people are not masked, and it's been more and more isolating this past year. At the beginning we were "alone together", and people were vocal and seemed to understand that when the government fails us, we as individuals need to step up to protect our communities. When things opened back up I was lucky enough to be in a community that still for the most part wore masks indoors. That has stopped almost completely. It makes me sad and confused to see people, and spaces that in theory are inclusive and accessible, completely give up masking.

What that comes down to for me is it means I don't see people as often, I don't go to indoor events, music and art shows as often. When I do go out, I get extremely anxious being one of only a few if any people masked, and I don't go out for a while after. It means I'm more prone to periods of isolation, which leads to the depression I am very prone to as a bipolar II person. It's confusing because a few years ago I would have said I'm so lucky to be in a community that cares about our most vulnerable, surrounded by people who are informed about the true dangers of this pandemic and do what they can to keep themselves and people around them safe by using layers of protection like masking and keeping up to date with vaccines.People who see the push to go "back to normal" is not based in science but in capitalist greed.

I don't really know what to do about it except every so often try to remind people that there are a lot of people like me who don't feel safe, and therefore we are excluded from society. People are told if you are at high risk of complications use caution, which in this day and age means stay home. I am not currently "high risk" but I know multiple infections will fuck over your immune system, and "healthy" people can get long covid from one infection.

I’m very cautious and have still gotten it three times; each time was when I had gotten tired and started to let my guard down a little and I regret it so much, I can’t imagine how many more times I would have gotten it if I wasn’t trying as hard as I am. I may have actually had it more, you can be completely asymptomatic, it happened to me at least once, I was lucky enough that I happened to get a PCR test that week but never would have known otherwise, and could have been contagious and spread it had I gone out unmasked. Another time I had it I wasn't feeling sick but had been traveling so wore a mask when I went back to work. After the first day I started feeling sick and tested positive, but none of my coworkers got it even though we were in a small room all day together because I had worn that mask.

We're not seeing hospitals overrun like the early days, but the long term consequences are still severe, brain damage, organ failure, heart disease, ect. Among other very scary things, I've seen predictions that there's about to be a wave of early onset dementia which will affect generations to come because of how multiple infections slowly harm the brain and neurological function.

While I acknowledge wearing a mask kinda sucks, it is actually not that hard, especially when you think about all the good it is doing for you and the people around you. You can still live your life, you can do everything you're doing now while you wear a mask. It protects you from many other infectious diseases too! It blows my mind that this wasn't common practice before, it now blows my mind that we grew up going to school or work sick when we weren't completely incapacitated, think about how many colds and flus we were infected with/infected others with that could have been prevented with just a mask. It is never too late to start masking again, or to get the new vax if you haven't yet.

So yeah, basically I'm begging you, wear an N95/KN95/KF94 mask (anything else doesn't work for covid aerosols), find a mask bloc if you can't afford them (maskbloc.org), get the new vax every time one comes out, make the effort to get free tests while they're still available. Because if you don't you won't see certain people as often, because they are alone in their house wondering why the world gave in to capitalism and gave up on humanity.

#self #personal #covid #masks #pandemic #not over #wrote this for ig but thought I'd put it here for the five ppl who still follow me #love y'all

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anxiouspregnantlady · 5 months

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bye bye baby

i think i've been afraid to write here, to make it feel real, but last thursday we had our u/s and discovered a 6+4 sac with a yolk sac (maybe an amniotic sac??? i think?) and - no baby. of course i feel grief & anger & numbness but also - the relief is unreal. it feels good to know.

so many thoughts.

i'll start with technical things... finally got an hcg done on sat and it was 15499 so more consistent with 6w. waiting on monday's value. had another ultrasound this morning and the sac shrank perhaps ever so slightly but otherwise same. they were (in my opinion) unreasonably concerned about ectopic b/c of a cyst on my right ovary but i always have a cyst on my right ovary and i'm not medical but .uh. isn't that the corpus luteum (also i happen to know that i ovulated from the right).

care-wise. i continue to be so grateful for LWC midwives, they have been absolutely lovely. both u/s techs have been ok. there is apparently a NP midwife at LWC who expressly does early pregnancy loss stuff (!) so i have felt medically taken care of.

i had an itch to want to see if i could do tissue testing on the miscarriage but am probably leaning away from it - too much trouble, worried about scarring, worried about billing (esp without good health insurance). i'll just never know.

i have a strong suspicion that an embryo did form this time, we just caught it too late and it had already stopped developing & had been reabsorbed. i was quite nauseous (still a bit nauseous) & we didn't get a yolk sac last time. and there looked to me like there was an amniotic sac, though it was empty. and it's just a hunch.

i've been so tired, both jetlagged but also just grief. at 5-6 pm i lose the ability to stay awake entirely. you couldn't pay me enough money to stay awake. i just lose consciousness wherever i am. and again after p "puts me to bed" at 8pm i cannot get myself out of bed and sleep for 15, 30, 45 minutes. And then when midnight rolls around i absolutely cannot sleep, i take melatonin, baths, etc. and p has been up at weird hours anyway, crying mama, mama, mama.

showing up to work has been ... well, it's been a miracle that i have been. i did cancel a thursday night appointment after the u/s but other than that i've been fudging my way through, trying not to let show how raw and bruised and completely depleted i am.

k has been wonderful. he is keeping me going. p somewhat understands what is happening. yesterday during bath she announced she had a baby in her belly, and then plucked it out and said she was putting it in mama's belly. she knows mama is going to the doctor a lot and always asks if i am still hurting. i told her the baby is gone. i don't know how to walk this line between being honest with her and protecting her. i kind of think that she must understanding the workings of embryonic life/nonlife better than me, being that much more proximate developmentally/spiritually. only a few years ago she was also in the womb! but she is generally still her happy, curious, thriving little self, and we keep thinking how depressed we would be without her.

sigh.

it was too good to be true.

i only asked the universe for one more baby.

i think, maybe even more than wanting to have this baby, i wanted to never ever ever have to fucking go through this again.

(but i did really want to have this baby)

i am back in the world of Not Knowing. i don't know how many more pregnancies i will have or how many tries it will take to have those pregnancies, or how many weeks each of the pregnancies will last. i still don't know! why! my! body! can't! carry most pregnancies to term!

k thinks maybe we were just too sick and stressed from all kinds of bugs (including covid) and from the 40 hours of travel and 13hr timezone changes and his loss of employment and loss of insurance. and that's why we miscarried. i don't think the line is so clear, but i think one big takeaway from this whole thing is: i need mothering. in my desire to mother another child (and in my struggle to mother the one i already have), i sorely need mothering. i need a warm, generous, wise, and proximate figure to be keeping tabs on me - i need to be on their radar - i need their hugs, hot drinks, meals, nurture, comfort, advice, solace, confidence, life experience.

so my body is still clinging to this pregnancy (coming up on 9 weeks), and i suspect it will be awhile before I start bleeding. maybe christmas.

and then?

and then we are definitely going to take a break. there is (just a bit) less hurry this time - we have our hands full - and i do want to develop some better habits re: nourishing myself, caring for myself. i've barely eaten in the past 5 weeks. and anyway we are going to wait for k to get a job and new health insurance, and we are focusing on some other dreams too.

and then i want to do a bit of testing, maybe a hysteroscopy/endometrial biopsy, a few clotting tests that we missed, re-check my thyroid, etc. have a WTF appointment w dr. kelly/make a plan.

and then we'll see. immediately after i got the news i felt strongly that i could never go through this again, or risk going through again. i felt that we would just have to walk the path of accepting that we were done growing our family. it felt good to be like, HELL yah we won't contribute to overpopulation or subject our unborn child to this mess. but that doesn't really resonate... i still really want to try. to have a child and to raise them so that it is worth it.

so many things hurt about this. hella everyone is pregnant or giving birth. i hate the dejavu with our first pregnancy, feels stuck/stagnant & like we are destined to be in and out of sad ultrasound appointments. feel like we wasted our trip.

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tallmantall · 1 year

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#JamesDonaldson On #MentalHealth – The Crisis Of #Student #MentalHealth Is Much Vaster Than We Realize

By Donna St. George and Valerie Strauss The change was gradual. At first, Riana Alexander was always tired. Then she began missing classes. She had been an honors #student at her Arizona #highschool, just outside Phoenix. But last winter, after the #isolation of remote learning, then the overload of a full-on return to #school, her grades were slipping. She wasn’t eating a lot. She avoided friends. Her worried mother searched for #mentalhealthtreatment. Finally, in the spring, a three-day-a-week intensive program for #depression helped the #teenager steady herself and “want to get better,” Alexander said. Then, as she was finding her way, a #girl at her #school took her own life. Then a #teen elsewhere in the district did the same. Then another. “It just broke my heart that there were three different people who were going through what I was, and they never got the chance to heal,” said Alexander, 17, now a #highschool senior. After that devastating stretch in May, families and classmates in the Chandler Unified #School District mourned the three 15-year-olds. They would enjoy no more summer vacations, no birthdays or graduations. The losses ignited a debate about what #schools should be doing to support #students in despair. Nationally, #adolescent #depression and #anxiety — already at crisis levels before the #pandemic — have surged amid the #isolation, disruption and hardship of #covid-19. Even as federal #coronavirus relief money has helped #schools step up their efforts to aid #students, they also have come up short. It’s unclear how much money is going to #mentalhealth, how long efforts will last or if they truly reach those who struggle most. “The need is real, the need is dire,” said Alberto Carvalho, superintendent of the Los Angeles Unified #School District, who recalled hearing just that day from the district’s #mentalhealth partners that calls about #suicidalthoughts had quadrupled. “We’re living through historically unprecedented times,” he said. More than 75 percent of #schools surveyed in spring said their #teachers and staff have voiced concerns about #student #depression, #anxiety and #trauma, according to federal data. Nearly as many #schools cited a jump in the number of #students seeking #mentalhealthservices. But #mentalhealth is not the only #pandemic priority. #Schools are spending vast sums of their #coronavirus relief money on ventilation upgrades, expanded summer learning, after-#school programs, tutors and academic specialists. The federal spending plans of 5,000 #school districts nationally show that more than one-third intend to bring new #mentalhealthprofessionals into #schools, and around 30 percent plan to fund social-emotional learning efforts, according to an analysis by FutureEd, a think tank at Georgetown University’s McCourt School of Public Policy. “This is an incredible increase in the amount of money being spent and the number of districts pursuing it,” Phyllis Jordan, associate director of FutureEd. But it is still, advocates say, not nearly enough. “We simply don’t have enough people in our profession to meet the need.”— Kelsey Theis, president of the Texas Association of #School Psychologists In many areas, even when money is in hand, hiring is not easy. As this #school year opened, nearly 20 percent of #schools reported vacancies in #mentalhealth positions, according to federal data. #Schools often said they employed too few staff to manage the caseload but also complained about difficulties finding licensed providers, the data showed. “We simply don’t have enough people in our profession to meet the need,” said Kelsey Theis, president of the Texas Association of #School #Psychologists. When families seek private #therapists, “sometimes there’s a wait list of months and months before they get help,” she said. In Maine, waiting lists grew so long last year that #school #counselor Tara Kierstead began looking out of state for #therapists who had openings — a solution that was not practical for many families. “It was the hardest I’ve ever had to work to get resources to people,” Kierstead said. “I know some #kids who were never seen.” Surgeon General Vivek H. Murthy called out the “devastating” effects of the #pandemic on #youth #mentalhealth in a public advisory last December. Earlier that year, the #American Academy of #Pediatrics, the #American Academy of #Child and #Adolescent Psychiatry and the Children’s Hospital Association together declared “a national state of emergency” in children’s #mentalhealth. They pointed out that young #peopleofcolor were especially affected and linked the struggle for #racial justice to the worsening crisis. A year later, this October, they sounded the alarm again. Things are not getting better. #James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space. #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleOrder your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife:From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy www.celebratingyourgiftoflife.com A deepening crisis Not long after the #pandemic started, researchers began to document declines in #child and #adolescent #mentalhealth. The numbers are stark. Hospital emergency room visits spiked for suspected #suicideattempts among #girls ages 12 to 17, according to the #CentersforDiseaseControlandPrevention. From February to March 2021, the number jumped by 51 percent compared to the same period during 2019. For #boys, the increase was 4 percent. Early research from MIT suggested the #suicide rate for people aged 10 to 19 increased in 2020, compared to before the #pandemic. More recently, #CDC provisional data for 2021 showed an increase in the national rate from 2020 to 2021, especially for people ages 15 to 24. In other research, the #CDC found nearly 45 percent of #highschoolstudents were so persistently sad or hopeless in 2021 they were unable to engage in regular activities. Almost 1 in 5 seriously considered #suicide, and 9 percent of the #teenagers surveyed by the #CDC tried to take their lives during the previous 12 months. A substantially larger percentage of #gay, #lesbian, #bisexual, other and questioning #students reported a #suicideattempt. Family upheaval, meanwhile, was widespread, particularly in the early #pandemic: Nearly 30 percent of #students said an #adult in their home had lost a job, and 24 percent said they went hungry for a lack of food. There are no directly comparable pre-#pandemic studies, but Kathleen Ethier, the #CDC’s director of the division of #adolescent and #school health, said #student well-being is significantly better for #teens who report feeling connected to their #schools — a problem for a population that, nationwide, was kept out of them for so long. “There is 20 years of research showing that it not only has an impact on how young people do while they’re #adolescents, but it has 20-year impacts on all kinds of measures of health,” including emotional well-being, suicidality and #substanceuse, she said. It also left many #children grieving. More than 230,000 U.S. #students under 18 are believed to be mourning the ultimate loss: the death of a #parent or primary #caregiver in a #pandemic-related loss, according to research by the #CDC, Imperial College London, Harvard University, Oxford University and the University of Cape Town. In the #UnitedStates, #children of color were hit the hardest, another study found. It estimated that the loss for #Black and #Hispanic #children was nearly twice the rate of #White #children. Too much need, too little help In Maryland, Julia Horton, 16, recalls that, as her struggles worsened last year, she fell asleep in class a lot and did not turn in work; her grades dropped. Looking back, she said, “it is very obvious it was a cry for help.” Some #teachers were compassionate, but others less so. “A lot of #teachers talk about understanding #mentalillness, but they don’t act upon it,” she said. Her #school in suburban Montgomery County had two #mentalhealthprofessionals within its wellness center, county officials said, but Horton — like many #students — had no idea. She talked to a #counselor she liked about getting more time for assignments but it did not help. Her mother ultimately found her an excellent #therapist to help Horton with her #depression and #anxiety, but she wonders about other #teens who may not be as fortunate. Montgomery County school officials said they inform #students about #mentalhealthservices through community messages, their website, #student forums and advisory period lessons — though #School Board Member Lynne Harris said messaging should be more robust and focused on platforms #students use most. In Philadelphia, Mikayla Jones, then 15, took care of her father in spring 2020 when he caught #covid-19 and she had little contact with #teachers and friends during remote learning. She wanted to talk to a #therapist, but her mother couldn’t find one with an opening and she’d never heard of any #mentalhealthspecialist at #school. “I feel like this should not be something that’s possible,” she said. Now a 17-year-old senior, Jones is starting a club to advocate for #mentalhealthsupport across Philadelphia’s #schools. “All #youth deserve someone to be there for them.” Philadelphia officials said #counselors were meeting with #students virtually or in person during the #pandemic to assess their needs and help decide next steps. Still, the #highschool senior never found a #therapist. The first meeting of her #mentalhealthsupport club is later this month. Told about the #school system’s comment, the #teenager said: “If the #school does not communicate the availability of #counselors, and their role as #counselor has been repeatedly labeled as ‘#college #counselor,’ then how will we know that they are there as a #mentalhealthresource?” Shortages of #mentalhealthprofessionals have been the norm in #schools. Professional organizations recommend one #school psychologist per 500 #students, but the national average is one per 1,160 students, with some states approaching one per 5,000. Similarly, the recommended ratio of one #school #counselor per 250 #students is not widespread. The national average: one per 415 #students. National research from 2019 showed that #studentsofcolor have not received equal access to #school #counselors. At that time, 38 states were shortchanging #studentsofcolor, #students from low-income families or both, according to the study done by the Education Trust. As the #pandemic has persisted, #students have spoken out — in Nebraska, Arizona, Connecticut, #Washington. In #Seattle, #students who formed the #Seattle #Student Union to promote #racial justice decided this year to push for #mentalhealth supports in #schools. Chetan Soni, a 17-year-old who co-founded the union, said there are too few #mentalhealthprofessionals to meet rising #student needs. The district told him it doesn’t have the money, he said. #Seattle #teachers who went on strike in September included a call for more #mentalhealthsupports for #students as one of their bargaining points. The strike settlement included part-time #socialworkers at most #schools — a sign of progress, Soni said, but not enough to help all. “#Students are suffering from the #pandemic and so many other things too,” he said. His #school, Lincoln High, is fortunate in having a #school-based health clinic, run by Neighborcare Health. But just one #therapist works there, said Rachel Gordon, the company’s #school-based #mentalhealth clinical manager. Nearly all #therapists based at #Seattle’s #schools have full caseloads and wait lists, Gordon said. Many run group therapy sessions as a way to serve more #students. “We’ve seen increases in #anxiety, disordered eating, #suicidalideation, #OCD and many other #mentalhealthchallenges,” she said. In rural Montana, the squeeze was different: Altacare, a for-profit provider, decided to halt services in the state this year amid recruitment difficulties and funding issues. Districts scrambled to cover for the loss, but many could not, and state officials were limited in what they could do. “Unfortunately they were serving a lot of the very small #rural #schools that were already struggling,” said Mary Windecker, executive director of the nonprofit #Behavioral Health Alliance of Montana. The shortages meant that Montana #kids who needed residential care, for the most serious #mental illnesses, were mostly being sent to other states, she said: “Not because we don’t have beds for those #children but because we don’t have people to staff those kids,” she said. “Imagine a six-year-old with a serious emotional disturbance being sent as far away as Georgia. That’s happening.” One result of all these deficiencies: More #students are acting out. Last #school year, nearly 40 percent of #schools nationally reported increases in physical attacks or fights, and roughly 60 percent reported more disruptions in class because of #student misconduct, according to federal data. Las Vegas officials reported several alarming attacks on #teachers. In Louisiana, dads at a Shreveport #school showed up to help keep the peace after a particularly heated week of #student fighting. National test scores also plummeted to levels not seen since 1999, according to recent data — setting off a wave of alarm among educators, many of whom consider the #mentalhealthcrisis a contributing factor. Violence in #schools is on the rise Scrambling for solutions #School administrators across the country are clear-eyed about #students’ worsening #mentalhealth, many of them strategizing about #school initiatives that may help. “We know that when #kids are mentally well, they’re much more likely to attend #school and do well in #school,” said Sharon Hoover, co-director of the National Center for #School #MentalHealth. In Maryland’s Montgomery County, the state’s largest #school system has expanded #school-based wellness centers that provide #mentalhealthservices: Five are open, a sixth debuts in January and 19 others are being phased in. In Georgia, Hawaii and a host of other states, #schools rely on telehealth services to help meet the gap. They often involve contractors — such as Hazel Health — that respond to referrals from #teachers, #school #counselors or #parents; services are often covered through government funding or payer reimbursements. Some #school systems have adopted #student #mentalhealth “check-ins” to get a quick read on #student well-being. Others created calming rooms for #students or found ways to build mindfulness, yoga or meditation into #student life. “We know that when #kids are mentally well, they’re much more likely to attend #school and do well in #school.”— Sharon Hoover, co-director of the National Center for #School #MentalHealth A growing number of #schools now offer therapy. Many have forged partnerships with community providers who treat #students in person on campus. Health or wellness centers that are located inside of #schools numbered roughly 3,000 before the #pandemic. “#School-based health centers fill a void, particularly in low-income communities,” said Robert Boyd, chief executive at the nonprofit #School-Based Health Alliance. “In #ruralcommunities, sometimes it’s the only provider around.” How mindfulness practices are changing an inner-city #school More broadly, #school systems are expanding social-emotional learning intended to help #students understand and regulate their emotions, develop positive relationships and face challenges. These lessons may be embedded in classes (say, a discussion of empathy related to characters in a novel) or they may come directly through an activity about, for instance, decision-making. In some parts of the country, social-emotional teachings are tangled up in the culture wars, particularly when material deals with #gender and #racial equity. In California’s Natomas #School District, Superintendent Chris Evans brought in an administrator with #mentalhealth expertise seven years before the #pandemic. Each #school already had a #psychologist. But as the #pandemic began, #socialworkers were hired for each #school, too —a decision that no one regretted. “About one in every two of our #students,” Evans said, “accessed some form of #mentalhealthresource.” #Suicide assessments more than doubled last year, to 191, compared to 71 before the #pandemic. A big worry in many areas is what happens when federal aid runs out. The #school board in Natomas voted this spring to retain the new hires even after the money is gone, Evans said. Other efforts flowed from legislation. At least 12 states have adopted some form of “#mentalhealthdays,” which excuse #student absences for #mentalhealth purposes. In Illinois, #students are now allowed five days per year under a new measure approved by the legislature. Ten ways to get #mentalhealth help during a #therapist shortage Critics see the excused days off as counterproductive for #students who have already missed too much #school, but supporters say the laws recognize the stressful reality of many #students’ lives and elevate the stature of #mentalhealth so that it is comparable to physical health. Twenty states also require #mentalhealth education in #schools — which Barb Solish, director of #youth and young #adult initiatives with the #NationalAllianceonMentalIllness, said will reduce #stigma and increase literacy so #students recognize symptoms and learn how to get help for themselves or their friends. #Mentalhealth in #schools is expected to get a big boost, too, Solish said, from the passage of the Bipartisan Safer Communities Act, which allots more than $1 billion over five years to support #school-based #mentalhealthservices. More than $500 million is slated for a grant program to hire and retain providers in #schools, and another $500 million is for building a pipeline of future professionals. A call to do more Riana Alexander and other #students in Chandler, Ariz., showed up at #school board meetings for several months, distressed about the string of #suicides that left three 15-year-olds dead. At a meeting in June, many of them acknowledged their own #mentalhealth difficulties as they pressed the #school district to do more. The father of a #teen who took his life joined them, his voice breaking in #grief. “I don’t have the answers,” he said. He vowed to work with the #students as they seek change and called them brave. Then his voice stiffened. “It’s a shame they have to come in here and ask for this,” he said. Two months later, another #teenager took her life. She was 16. #School had been open less than three weeks. “This is a crisis,” Sofia Borczon, a 10th-grader, told the board at another meeting. She’d had #mentalhealthstruggles for four years, she said, and never felt there were necessary resources. “Kids are dying — and they have been for years.” She and others — part of Arizona #Students for #MentalHealth, which was founded by Alexander — asked for #mentalhealth “first-aid training,” so that everyone would know more about how to help #kids in need, and for “#student action boards” to elevate #mentalhealth concerns at #schools. They wanted to lead a town hall meeting, so their peers could be heard too. Read the full article

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justmelagain · 2 years

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Well...THAT’S new! 😯

So, I got handed a potential death sentence today. I say “potential” because I haven’t seen my dr since results came back. I just read the radiologist’s report & then Googled to see what it meant.

Interstitial lung disease. What he actually said was there is “widespread diffuse interstitial lung disease present, new progression since October 2020.” Took me a bit to understand what October had to do with anything. That was the last chest xray I had done so he must’ve compared them. I get them every few months or so for some reason or another. They’ve always been nice & clear even though I’m a long-time smoker. So ILD is a rare group of lung conditions that causes scarring or fibrosis of lung tissues. This can cause shortness of breath and dry cough. Sounds vaguely mild so far, right?

ILD is terminal and fairly quickly too. Current optimistic life expectancy with immediate treatment is 3 - 5 years. Comorbidities & stage of the disease brings life expectancy most commonly to one year or less.

😷 Oh.

So on I read for a while longer on the trusty Google. I wonder what I’ve already been experiencing associated with this?

High blood pressure ✔

Heart or respiratory failure ? I’m on the road to both. Just haven’t hit “failure” yet. Right-sided heart failure - the heart's lower right chamber (right ventricle), which is less muscular than the left, has to pump harder than usual to move blood through obstructed pulmonary arteries. Mine is already doing this to some degree, as well as some wall hardening. Low blood oxygen levels along with the rising pressure in the arteries eventually cause heart failure. My blood ox has been decent as of late, running in the 92 - 94 range. 95 - 100 is normal. Below 90 is low. This is the reason I had to stay in the hospital after my cervical surgery that was supposed to be a simple outpatient procedure. My blood ox was around 85ish & wouldn’t stabilize. They kept me in ICU under sedation for several hours while bringing me out of it slowly in order to raise my blood ox as well.

Shortness of breath ✔ This has progressed rapidly since 2018. There are times I’m afraid I need to go to the ER, but I never do.

Dry cough ✔ I’ve had a smoker’s cough since the late 90s. I also have severe allergies/sinus issues that make me cough. But I have *NEVER* experienced the kind of cough I developed in the hospital after my cervical fusion surgery shortly after having Covid last January. And I have KEPT that same cough ever since. I’ve remarked on it several times to different people. People say to just stop smoking. That’s not the ultimate treatment though. And I’ve been told that my cough doesn’t sound any differently. They need to clean out their ears, but even still, I can *feel* the difference. Long-Covid studies are seeing a rise in ILD. They’re still researching to figure out the connection though.

ILD can be caused by smoking. Also if you spend a lot of time around airborne pollutants. I grew up surounded by oil refineries, chemical plants, paper mills, chicken coops, etc. My allergies started when I was around 8, after about 4 years living in that area. I stayed there until I was 25. I can’t imagine that did any damage! 🤔

Comorbidities affect the rate of decline. Comorbities that I have: overweight, diabetes, GERD, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, depression, & sleep apnea.

What is the outlook for ILD? Lung inflammation, fibrosis, and hypoxemia (low blood oxygen) caused by ILD make the quality of life poor. ILD has a substantial impact on a patient's life. It causes disabling symptoms like dyspnea (shortness of breath) and cough—also, some non-respiratory symptoms like depression, anxiety. So other than the fibrosis that I don’t know about, I have the rest already. My quality of life already sucks.

And there’s more, but I’m tired now. And I could be entirely overthinking this. I’ve found over the years that what medical jargon looks like it means doesn’t necessarily mean that. I’ll see my dr again the end of July. I’m sure he will lay it all out for me.

I’m not afraid of dying. Never have been. I’ve been actively suicidal since I was 12. There was no emotional outburst over the test results. More like just quietly letting it sink in before I started Googling. Dying will be the reprieve I’ve been looking for my entire life. I just DON’T want to be in pain 24/7 for the rest of my life. I’m tired of being in pain.

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angryschnauzer · 2 years

Text

In case anyone is remotely interested, here’s what happened with my operation being cancelled, and a few other bits of emotional crap.

TW: Eating disorders, TW: Depression, TW: Period and Uterus Talk, TW: Fatphobia

Okay so i was scheduled to have my hysterectomy Yesterday, late afternoon. It had already been rescheduled once by the hospital due to lack of support staff due to covid. Okay, not their fault, and it was rescheduled accordingly. Over the last three weeks i went through a number of invasive tests; blood tests, physicals, ECG (electrocardiogram - where they test/view your heart), breathing tests, vaginal examinations, full covid tests. I was literally at the hospital every other day for some test or another. The morning of the day before my operation i get a call from the Anaesthetist, he had taken one look at my BMI and said he wasn’t willing to do the operation. I’m too high risk. Although i accept his decision, it was the fact we were told the day before the operation, we had isolated our family twice at that point in preparation for the operation. I had messed my own customers around with my business with ‘i’m shutting, no i’m not, yes i am, no i’m not, yes i am’ in the busiest time of the year for my industry. I’ve lost a quarter of my year’s earnings in lost sales or jobs i’ve had to turn down. So to be told at such short notice was pretty devastating. I’m furious that this pivotal decision was so late in the planning, that i was made to go through all the tests, that we had even moved to that particular hospital because they were apparent experts on high BMI patients. We’d even upgraded our medical insurance to cover that hospital. Through every test i’d done i was given a glowing report, i was ‘fit and healthy’, and when seen in person the staff could see that the bulk of my blubber wasn’t in the high risk places such as chest/torso/neck). Literally at every turn i was given the green light. But no, this guy was able to derail my health by looking at two digits on a piece of paper. He went on to explain that i needed the procedure to be done at a NHS hospital, rather than a private hospital, because NHS hospitals have larger intensive care departments, but i would have to be a ‘private’ patient to get jumped to the front of the queue. A loophole of the NHS is that if you so wish to, you can pay for private staff to come in and use the facilities. However that side of it isn’t covered by our medical insurance, so we’ll have to go back to trying to find £14000. Yes, fourteen thousand pounds. That’s more than my yearly salary.

I’m literally now back at square one. Apart from the fact i now have a nice big bill for the tests at the private hospital i’ve already had to do, because as the procedure is no longer going ahead, my insurance isn’t going to cover it. So that’s another £1500 to cover those.

I’m just so tired of it all. It was such an emotional strain, to psyche myself up to have what is a dangerous operation, to accept that i may not survive it, but to look at the risks vs the benefits. And to also mentally come to terms with the fact i am making the final decision with regards to ending my motherhood journey. I have one amazing son, but to make that final call of ‘definitely no more babies’ its a very tough call to make. I won’t lie, the last three days have been very tough. I have felt like my depression came back like a tsunami, suddenly the rug was pulled from under my feet and i was back in darkness again. All the old self demons came rushing back, my brain telling me to starve myself, that i must loose weight - which yes would make things a lot easier - rushing into an unhealthy (mentally) place and doing stupid fad diets is not the way forward; i fought off an eating disorder twice before, i do not want to go back to it again as i don’t think i’ve got the strength to do it a third time.

So now i want to fight, but i’m just so so very tired. I want to work but my uterus is making my periods so heavy i’m constantly suffering from severe anaemia and gives me fatigue. That pushes my blood pressure up which causes all sorts of horrible side affects like insomnia, which makes me even more tired. And then someone says ‘get more exercise’! Bitch, if i could make it up two flights of stairs i’d be lucky.

Well that’s it. That’s where i’m at.

Love and kisses

Mama Schnauz

xxx

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poutyniall · 2 years

Note

Tuesday 29th March 2022 |01:38| UK 🇬🇧

It’s the middel of the night and I can’t sleep and I just wanna have somebody to vent about my life. First I want to say I am a big fan of your imagines of Yoongi is kinda a escape of reality.

I being having a trouble these past couple months, I have gotten sick in September. Form September to October I have try to contact the doctor many times, because here in the uk the healthcare system is free but it take a long time for a appointment. In November my mum I had enough and call the ambulance because I couldn’t breathe. After a week staying in the hospital I wanted to go home, my parents weren’t allowed to come visited me because of COVID and because I was already 18 (turning 19 on 13th of July). But if I think about it, it was a stupid choice because after a week of being discharged from the hospital I got really really sick to the point I started coughing blood and I past out. In the mean time I was unconscious I went to 3 different hospital. After 2/3 days of sleeping I woke up.

Every since then I got separation anxiety, I am having panic attacks and I am overthinking everything in my life, I know I am only 18 but the future is terrifying, I have most over 3/4 months of school and I started think and think to the point that my body was tired. My doctor say I got a burnt out and me being sick it not going to help me in the long run.

Thank you for listening

See you tomorrow,

|01:55|

Oh sweetheart. First of all, I wish I could hug you and hold you as long as you need.

Second, I'm very glad to know that my little Yoongi's imagines can provide you even the tiniest bit of relief, it repays me 100, 1000 times of the frustration of finding the right word or the perfect way to express what I want to say when I write and the mild anxiety I feel every time I post something.

Third, I feel touched and honored you chose me to open up and vent about your life. I want you to know that you can talk to me, about everything, every single time you want or need. Anonymously or in private, you choose, whatever you feel more comfortable. I'm here.

I don't about your physical disease, but I hope it's over now or at least you feel better. About the rest, if you don't mind me giving you a piece of advice (you're almost 19, I'm almost 27, you could be my little sister), think about starting therapy. I was about your age, maybe one or two years younger, when I started to cut myself and stop eating, I was severely depressed and miserable, and I was basically dragged to therapy because I didn't want to, but it saved my life. I'd probably be 6 feet under if I hadn't gone to therapy. I know it's hard, it takes a lot of courage to step through that door, every time, and there will be days where you won't feel like connecting to yourself and that's okay. The main goal of therapy is to find balance, to welcome and embrace every version of yourself, learning how to listen to them without fighting and screaming at each other, ending up hurting yourself.

And yes, you're young but you have all the right to be scared about the future, because it is terrifying. A lot. Don't feel like you have to jump straight into university or whatever you feel people expect you to do just because you only have a few months of school left. Take your time to decide what you want to do, to experiment. And I know it might be hard and you might feel pressured 'cause, at the end of the day, your parents are the ones who provide for you, but remember that it is your life, it's up to you to decide how you want to live it.

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phynali · 3 years

Text

so not to ruminate on things that vex me, but the past 2 or so months have been kinda shit, and i’m trucking along and there absolutely are high points and good things and joys that balance some of this out, but i need to vent out some of the negative emotions somewhere to get ‘em out. so i guess i’m doing that here because -

we’re in lockdown#6 where i live (state of victoria) and it’s hard, this yo-yo of restrictions and swinging in and out of one lockdown after another.

for those who understandably won’t know, what we call lockdown here means not just restaurant and commercial closures and mandatory working from home unless you’re in an industry where that’s impossible -- it also means no guests (0) inside you’re home unless you’re both living alone and single or else romantic partners, it means not leaving your home at all except for one of 4-5 necessary reasons, not being outside for more than 2hrs per day even to exercise, and not going more than 5km from your home unless required for work/medical/etc required reasons.

it’s intense. we spent (i think) 128 days in this degree of lockdown in 2020, never mind how many we spent in other forms of restrictions and working from home. and we’ve been back in it four (4) times in 2021 already. in-out-in-out-in-out -

it’s taking a toll on the mental health of every person i know. we get weekly emails with wellbeing and resilience tips from my job -- not just “be productive or else” capitalism but heartfelt ones from wellbeing officers with copies of articles like this one on languishing from the NYT, acknowledging we’re all struggling and directing us to the plethora of wellbeing resources our workplace is trying to provide, not only to us but reminding us they offer it to our families too.

i’m one of the lucky ones. i’m really not trying to wallow here or to pretend otherwise. i appreciate that i can work from home, even though i can’t focus when i do and it this interacts with my adhd to fuck my productivity. even if i’m so behind and delayed it feels like i’ve lost 12-18 months worth of work and it will have long-term ramifications on my career -- even so, i still i have a job. i still get paid. and i even kept my job, a bit by the skin of my teeth but i did, when my sector downsized last year. yes, the way my employer went about lay offs left a bad taste in everyone’s mouth (my own included), but i made it through.

and my sector, while affected, is by no means the worst of the collateral damage.

the yo-yo of lockdowns is taking a very very real toll on industries like hospitality, tourism, commerce. and the economy does have indirect effects on health and mental health as well. my friend, a waitress, was on her way to work the evening shift at a restaurant when she got the call about the latest lockdown. she had to turn around and go home because the announcement came just hours before the lockdown was imposed, and every place suddenly had to close by 8pm. bye bye evening shift. so much of the government support for these industries has dried up, has been inadequate.

lockdowns save lives. i don’t begrudge my state for imposing one except that yes -- i’m resentful we’re here again with only six cases. i can be both accepting and grateful and also pissed and tired and more all at once.

even more than the latest lockdown, i’m pissed about the yo-yo. that we went into lockdown in june, came out in july, went back in in july, came back out in july, are going back in now, in the first week of august. three lockdown/re-openings in 10 weeks, as if this rollercoaster doesn’t completely incapacitate our ability to plan or prepare for anything more than a week out, more than a day out -- in this case, more than a few hours out. 4pm the lockdown was announced, with an 8pm start time. as if that doesn’t have more insidious consequences on individuals and industries than a more clearly articulated and consistent approach. as if all the restaurants that got to open up this week didn’t purchase large food orders for this weekend that will spoil because they were given 4 hours notice to close their doors.

that’s the part i hate, right now more than the lockdowns themselves. consumer sentiment was at a high in april, optimism was everywhere. people felt good, and like we had a plan forward. now -- well, now my job is sending me emails about how normal and okay it is that i might be ‘languishing’ because aren’t we all?

and i absolutely do begrudge my federal government, and i’m angry with them, and this is part of why:

youtube

but i also accept, to some extent, that these decisions have all been made in difficult circumstances, and i’m not really about to pretend i could do any better.

at the same time, australia’s vaccine rollout is among the slowest and lowest at least within OECD countries. i know that’s partly because we’ve managed the keep cases low and therefore we are prioritized less when it comes to who needs the vaccines most (and thus who is earlier in line to be able to purchase) among other geo-political reasons i won’t get into, but it still very much sucks. our timeline and ability to move forward and ability to stop having lockdowns requires a mostly-vaccinated population, and that’s not something we’ll have anytime soon.

and i am a visa-holder here and my family is back in canada and with our current border restrictions leaving to visit is honestly is not an option because i wouldn’t be able to return, to work. i’m managing that distance okay most of the time despite my homesickness and frustration but my partner’s parents are older and his mother’s health just isn’t amazing and it’s weighing on him a lot.

a phd student i work with just had a parent die in another country while stuck here, had to drop everything to return, is devastated by not being by their parent’s side when it happened because it came on sudden, and now won’t be able to come back into australia after, will have to finish their thesis remotely from abroad. stories like that are becoming commonplace in certain circles, here. this student is not the first or only person i know who has been in that exact situation in the past year.

it’s enraging, and upsetting, and instills a sense of helplessness because -- there’s nothing that can really be done about it. there’s no good answer, but it’s scary to think of what could happen. i know it scares my husband. if his mother’s health suddenly dips -- does he drop everything and leave? how can he not? would i go with him or hold the fort here? what ramifications does that have either way?

right now, we’re in the first stages of getting permanent residency, my job is putting in the nomination, and this is one of those awesome high-points i mentioned. it’s a very much needed sense of security in my career and my future in this country. but while a PR application is pending and under review, you can’t leave the country, even in pre-covid times. it takes months to get the application fully nominated, accepted, then submitted, and months on months to process.

in january 2020 we had agreed that for xmas 2020 we’d return home to canada. obviously the world changed and we quickly determined that wouldn’t be the case. we pushed that plan back to july-aug 2021, then to october 2021, xmas 2021. my partner’s sister asked him last week if we started making plans, booking things for xmas, was calling to check that we’d had our second jabs. he had to explain the situation to her, that we aren’t even eligible for our first vaccine yet, that we aren’t holding out any real hope of visiting, not this year, not until mid-next.

anyway - i’m just. languishing, i guess, if that’s the word for it after all. i know it’s not the same as depression -- i’ve had episodes of that, been treated for it in different ways. this is and feels different, even if there are obvious similarities. whatever to call it, it sucks, and i hate it. and i hate the other lows and anxieties and crap i’ve been dealing with in the past few months as well that didn’t make it into this post about covid. crap with work, with friends, with goddamn car rentals of all stupid things. crap that’s making me anxious and crap that just needs processing. crap that is, ultimately, massively exacerbated because lockdowns turn us into little rats gnawing on the bars of our cages.

and i guess i just needed to talk about it somewhere, to organize my thoughts and free up some headspace (emotion space?) currently being used to hold these thoughts and feelings in place. i kind of hate posting personal crap like this and always get the urge to delete but i also have a hard time organising my thoughts if i don’t write them out with this intent to post. sort of want to go outside and scream at god, sort of want to phone up a friend and yell at him for an hour for being an exhausting ass, sort of want to be alone for a day to curl up under a blanket with a movie that’ll make me cry because raging at the universe is always so much easier when i’m alone and unobserved. but i guess since those aren’t especially kind or feasible i’ll post this instead.

anyway - if you read to the end of this for any reason, i’m not trying to be maudlin, and there’s really no need to respond. it’s just a feelings dump, sucking some of the poison out, not really much different than journalling but i’ve always been better at that online than on paper.

#ugh #personal post #just organising thoughts and bitching about present circumstances #because i'm tired of 2021's bullshit and needed to vent a bit #gpoy

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fan4196 · 3 years

Text

The truth

Hey everyone, here's another one. Hope you like it. Enjoy!

Big thank you again @angry-slytherin :)

"Hey. How are you?" Jo asks with a smile under her mask as she walks into Mer's room.

"Let's say better. Not great, but ok for someone who survived covid." Mer answers, looking tired over her own mask.

"You really scared us there. I'm happy you're better again. Your kids missed you so much." Jo nods with a toothless smile as she sits down on the chair beside the hospital bed.

"You talked to them?" Meredith asks surprised, as she watches her friend sit down.

"Yeah, I got my second shot the other day, which Link immediately used to talk me into babysitting Scout, and your kids happen to live in the same house." She says with a laugh.

"Amelia and Link really left you alone with four kids?" Mer immediately asks surprised.

"Yup. They are taking advantage of my new found love for tiny humans." She laughs, watching Meredith closely as she leaves this little hint about her intent now that Mer is fully conscious.

"Oh I heard you when you talked to me about that. You know Cristina and I used to make fun of Alex and the vagina squad back when we where interns. You really wanna join the pink scubs?" The soft tone and little smile on Mer's face calm Jo down. Knowing that Mer wasn't going to talk her out of it or judge her in any way let her nervous heart slow down.

"Yeah." Jo smiles. "I need some joy in my live and I think the vagina squad will bring me that."

"I'm happy for you, if that's what you want, even though I think that you'll miss the OR and all the cool surgeries with in a week." The older one says with a laugh.

"We'll see." Jo smiles.

It's silent in the room for a few seconds until Mer starts with a completely different topic, that Jo wasn't quite ready for.

"I think you should call Alex," the blonde breaks the silence, this time in a way more serious tone.

"What?"

"You should call him." She nods, trying to show the brunette her seriousness.

"Do you- Did Levi tell you-"

"Levi? What does Schmitt have to do with- no. I guess I have to start from the beginning." Mer starts, talking about her dreams. How she was able to see her loved once on a beach; talking to them.

"So you're telling me, that you saw people on a beach while you where sleeping? Like a dream?" Jo asks more confused than ever, not quite getting what her former mentor was trying to tell her.

"Yeah, well it felt stronger than a dream; more real than normal dreams. I was able to see people; talk to them, even touch some of them. Even before they put me on the vent I saw Derek and George." Mer tried to explain the experience she couldn't quite understand herself.

"But this time you saw Izzie?"

"Yeah and she told me that she died five years ago and that she never had kids; she never used the eggs. I know it may sound crazy and I don't expect you to believe me but what if it's true? What if Izzie's really dead? I've been near to death before, I saw Denny Duquette and that bomb guy, even my dog and mother. And they are indeed dead. So what if Alex left for whatever stupid, dump ass reason he thought was worth leaving us and is not with Izzie or his kids. Wouldn't you want to know if he left because he developed schizophrenia and didn't want to burden you with it?" Meredith asks, watching Jo closely, knowing that the Alex topic is still a really sore point for her.

"You are right. It really sounds crazy."

Jo immediately answers, defensive, putting her walls up as soon as she heard her ex-husbands name. And as quick as her mood changed she gets up and is about to leave and escape the situation she really can't be in, when something falls out of her lap coat pocket.

"Jo wait! I'm sorry- Jo!" Mer tries to scream after her, but the brunette is out of the room faster than Mer is able to hold her back.

As Meredith falls back in her pillow she sees Levi walking by.

"Schmitt! Get in here. Pick that up for me." She calls him before he's passed by.

Happy but also intimated by the big Meredith Grey he of course does what she wants and picks up the upside down white square from the floor, handing it to his superior.

"Is that yours?" He asks a little surprised as he sees that the paper turns out to be an ultrasound picture.

"No- It's Jo's." Mer answers just as surprised as the resident as she looks at it closer.

"Oh so you know? Thank god, I'm so happy that I'm not the only one anymore that knows about this. I'm actually a little concerned about her. Her morning sickness is really bad. It's more like an all day sickness and her mood swings- not fun. I bought the wrong cream cheese the other day-"

"Schmitt! Shut up! I didn't know until now." She shuts him up, looking up from the picture to throw him a look.

"Oh."

"Yeah oh. Now get me my phone, I need to make a call." She orders, holding her hand out while she's looking at the ultrasound picture again.

"Hello?"

"Ahm hi. Is this Alex Karevs phone?" Meredith asks confused as a female voice she never heard before greets her from the other side of the call.

"Yes, is it." The woman on Alex's phone answeres friendly. A little to friendly and casual for Mer's liking.

"Then who are you?" She tries to find out who the hell is currently speaking to her.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I heard it ringing from the kitchen and just picked it up. Alex isn't here, he's at the park with the kids-"

"That's not answering my question. Who are you?" Mer interrupts, before the female can keep going. Slowly but surely the mood of the blonde is shifting.

"Well, who are you?" The woman on Alex phone asks back, also slowly losing the friendliness she had just two minutes ago.

"Oh no, I'm not playing this game. Who are you and what are you doing on my friend's phone." Mer starts, ready to scream if this woman won't finally tell her what she wants to know.

"Good. I'm not playing this game either so-"

The woman gets interrupt mid sentence. You can hear rustling and arguing through the phone until the voice Mer wanted to hear in the first place answers.

"Hello?"

"Alex?" She asks, even though she recognized his voice right away.

"Mer?" He asks back, rather surprised, but happy.

"Where the hell are you? Who was that woman? Do you have kids? I know your not in Kansas, Alex. Izzie is dead. What the hell is going on?" She starts shooting off questions without letting him answer.

"Wow, Mer chill-"

"Chill? I'm not going to chill, asshole. You better tell me that the hell is going on-" She needs to stop mid sentence as a wave of coughing overcomes her; an aftereffect she still has from COVID.

"Mer are you ok?" Alex immediately asks concerned.

"No I'm not ok. I almost died of COVID, I was in an induced coma and could have really needed the person on my emergency contact to pick up his stupid phone, to decide what to do next when I wasn't able to." She starts calling frustrated.

"Fuck- I'm so sorry, Mer-"

"Yeah, you better be. Now answer my questions." She comes back to the original topic why she called.

"Ok- I'm not in Kansas. I'm not with Izzie, I'm with my sister, Amber and her kids. She's pregnant and her husband is trapped in Europe because of Covid. I'm helping her with the house and the kids." He starts explaining.

"But there was no Covid when you left-"

"I know. I came here because my brother- well he tried to kill himself. His schizophrenia got worse, Mer. He was not taking his medication, he- ahm he hurt several people and raped three nurses in the facility he was staying in. They put him into prision, where he tried to kill himself and now he's at the hospital where no one's allowed to visit him because of Covid. My mom couldn't handle all the paperwork without interrupting her routine and Amber is seven months pregnant and has two little kids, I didn't want her to do everything." He adds to his story, letting go a little sigh as he finishes.

"I'm sorry to hear that. But why the hell did you feel the need to leave? Why lying to us and sending those stupid letters, you could have just talked to us. We would have helped you-"

"That's the point, I don't want help. This is my family, you had enough family crap for a lifetime and Jo-"

"She would have helped you. You know damn well that she would have gone with you in a heartbeat. She married you, so it's her family too." Mer adds.

"I couldn't- She went through so much crap last year and she was just doing fine again- I couldn't bring her here, hearing that my brother raped three women- I- I couldn't do that to her. She deserves to be happy-"

"She's not, Alex. She's everything but not happy and it's your fault. You know that Jo's probably the strongest woman we know. Yes she went through a lot of crap and yes she just overcome depression, but you also know that she loved you with everything she had. This letter broke her, Alex. She's not showing it, but she's broken. She's working nonstop, even though she's-" She takes a pause before she says too much, then continues. "Abandoning her was worse than just telling her the truth, trust me."

"Even though she's what? Mer what is it? Is she ok?" Alex immediately asks, knowing that Mer's little pause and change of topic was supposed to distracte him from what she almost said.

"It's not my place to tell you, Alex. You should probably call her." Mer tries to talk her out of it, but she knows her friend way too good. When Jo's the topic Alex wants to know everything.

"Mer, what? Tell me, damn it!"

"Alex-"

"Tell me!" He shouts, immediately sorry, but he's so frustrated right now. He has to know that Jo's fine, otherwise- he doesn't even wanna think about it.

"She's pregnant." Mer answers, regretting it the second it comes out of her mouth. It's not her place to tell him.

"What-"

"Before you say anything, I already regret telling you. It's none of my business and actually you don't deserve to know it. I'm sorry but I'm on Jo's side. When you left her, you left me too and I hate you for that. So you are not gonna call her now and scream at her for not telling you, you hear me? If she doesn't wanna tell you, she has every right for doing so, alright? You are not her husband anymore." Mer finishes, hearing the silence on the other side.

"I know." He agrees after a few seconds, before he continues. "Is it- is it mine?"

"The baby? I have no idea, Alex. I just found out an hour ago. An ultrasound picture fell out of her lab coat when she left my room, so I don't know. I heard some rumors- but nevermind." Again immediately regretting that she said too much.

"Rumors? What rumors?" He asks.

"You don't wanna know Alex-"

"Tell me!" He interrupts her again.

"She ahm- I heard rumors that she and Jackson-"

"What?" He stops her. His head is spinning and his heart immediately starts to hurt a little. Even though he knows that he has actually no right to feel like this.

"Alex, you need to calm down. She is not your wife anymore! You are the one that divorced her! I heard that they had a friend with benefits thing going but listen the baby on the ultrasound looks way to big for it to be Jackson's, ok? If you ask me it looks like five maybe six month-"

"Fuck. I left my pregnant wife-" Everything comes crushing down on Alex in that moment and he can't hold his tears back any longer. He really thought he did what was best for everyone.

"Alex are you crying?" Mer asks carefully after a few seconds listening to the silence on the phone.

"Yes I am, because I'm so fucking dumb- I abandoned the love of my life that is carrying my baby- during a freaking pandemic. She probably had the worst morning sicknesses and- god she always told me how scared she is to become a mom but that she feels safe with me by her side- and now I'm not. Fuck- I really didn't change much since our intern year, I'm still a freaking asshole."

"Alex no; you changed a lot. You became an amazing peds surgeon, you've grown so much during the years I've known you. You became an awesome person, my person and you were an amazing husband. But I have to agree, you are a little asshole. Now you hang up, you go outside take some deep breaths, throw a few things against a tree or whatever and then you man up and call Jo. She deserves the truth Alex especially when she's pregnant with your child." Meredith tries to convince him, not knowing what else to say.

"Thanks Mer." He answers quietly.

"Sure."

"I promise I'll visit you as soon as I can, ok? I'm sorry." Alex apologizes again, drying his tears with his sleeve.

"It's ok, asshole. The kids miss you." She laughs through the phone, trying to make him laugh too.

"I miss them too and I miss you. Thank you for calling Mer."

"Sure. Please promise me not to scream at Jo, ok? And please let her tell you that she's pregnant, she'll kill me if she hears that I told you."

"I promise." He answers. "Bye Mer."

"Bye."

After he did what Mer told him, Alex is now sitting on his sister's front porch, phone in his hand, fighting with himself, wondering if he should really call. Jo went through so much already because of him, she doesn't deserve any more pain. Maybe he should just leave her thinking that he's in Kansas. But on the other side, he could never live with the knowledge that she's having his child on her own. Sure he knows that she has a whole damn village at the hospital and they will support her, but they shouldn't. It's his child and he should be the one taking care of them, his baby and Jo.

So before he can think about it any further he's already dialing Jo's number. With his phone on his ear he stands up from the chair on Amber's front porch and starts walking circles in the front yard, while it's ringing.

"Hi this is Doctor Josephine Wilson, please leave a message."

Hearing her voice after almost five month for the first time again gives Alex chills, even though it's just her voicemail message it immediately calms him a little bit. The last thing he heard from her was her crying on his voicemail, begging him to call her. This message broke his heart into a million little peaces, but he wasn't able to answer her because he knew that he would have hopped on the next plane home in a heartbeat. But his family here needed him.

Now he's the one, getting send straight to her voicemail, which he totally understands.

"Hi. It's me, Alex. Jo, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I know sorry doesn't fix anything and I understand that you probably never wanna talk to me again. But please just listen. I'm not in Kansas, I'm not with Izzie nor any twins. I'm in Iowa. I'm with Amber and her kids. She's pregnant and her husband is stuck in Europe due to Covid. I originally got here because Aaron- he- he was not taking his meds and tried to hurt himself. He's in the hospital now. I couldn't let my mom or Amber handle this, I just- I'm sorry I just left like this. I never wanted to hurt you, I just didn't want you to get wrapped into my family crap again. You didn't deserve that after you just pulled yourself out of this dark hole. I wanted to protect you, but I guess I just hurt you more- I never wanted to leave you and I sure as hell never wanted you to not be my wife. I married you because you're the most incredible woman I've ever met. I guess I never told you, but you Josephine are the strongest and most amazing woman on this planet and I never deserved you or your pure, loving heart. I'm so incredibly sorry- for everything." He takes a deep breath, wiping away the tears that started streaming down his face again as soon as he started talking. "Please call me. I love you Jo and I will never stop. I'm sorry. Bye."

It's been two days now since Alex left the voicemail and he still didn't get an answer.

He called Mer again but she didn't know anything about Jo either, so he guesses he really fucked it up this time and he couldn't even be mad at her. It's his own fault-

"Uncle Alex, there's someone at the door for you."

Alex got ripped out of his thoughts by his nieces little voice. He quickly smiles at the blonde little girl and gets up from the couch.

He rounds the corner of the living room and freezes as soon as he sees the visitor standing beside his sister on the front porch.

Even though he can't see her whole face, because it's covered with a purple mask, he knows that she's smiling while she's talking to Amber. Her eyes are sparkling as she takes her few from Amber and locks eyes with him.

Slowly, not knowing if everything was just a dream or if this was really happening, his feet carry him towards the front door, past Amber, pulling Jo into a tight hug. He can fell her immediately relaxing in his embrace, wrapping her arms around his neck, burying her head deep in his shirt. He tries to pull her closer but the little bumb in between them won't let him.

"I'm sorry." He whispers, not making any move to let her go anytime soon.

"Shut up." She answers, which makes him laugh.

They stay like this for a few more minutes until one of Alex's hand finds his way from her hip to the bump in between them. Jo loses her grip around his neck a little without letting completely go, to look him in the eyes. She doesn't need to say anything, they both know exactly what the other one wants to say.

"I would really like to kiss you." Alex whisperes, afraid to scare her away by saying it to loud.

"Why aren't you." She smiles mischievously through her eyes, knowing exactly why he can't kiss her.

"You're wearing a mask." He answers, even though he knows she is playing with him.

"Well lucky you I'm vaccinated plus I got tested at the airport and brought this for you." She pulls a white bag out of her purse and hands it to Alex. "If it's negative you can take it off of me and kiss me." She smiles, as Alex grabs the Covid test and harshly unwraps it.

#jolex #fan4196 #fanfic #fanfiction #jo x alex #grey's fanfic #alex #alex karev #grey's #grey's anatomy #jo #jo wilson #jo karev

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bi-dazai · 3 years

Text

okay while we're on the subject of eating healthy and exercising, I want to vent/talk about weight loss. This is gonna be a rly controversial, very personal and extremely long post but I do want to make a point. I'm not going to discuss every fucking nuance of haes or my EDs. But for clarity, know that my eds are complicated and were mostly osfeds - minor anorexia osfed in high school and bed osfed when I was 18-19. after i realised how fat i was the minor anorexia came back and over the pandemic it became full scale anorexia nervosa.

I'm 5'3. The healthy weight range I should be in is in the high 40s-low 50s. I went up to TWICE that by the time I was just nineteen years old. It wasn't fun being fat. I consumed as much fat acceptance, fat activism content as I could, I pretended I was confident and happy even when I was fat. But I wasn't. Because people don't just get obese accidentally. A little overweight, yes. But obese? No. You get obese from depression, from giving up. You don't want to move so you don't. You're sad all the time, and the body positivity circles say eat comfort food, whatever and as much as it makes you feel better!! Do you know what that is? That's encouragement of BED. Do not say that. Because I did that. I ate sugar and junk food, I was still depressed.

I was reading these posts that were claiming fat people shouldn't be weighed at the doctor, that your weight shouldn't count, that BMI is incorrect and doesn't matter, etc etc. There were posts saying that they got "perfect bloodwork" (what even is that? I knew that was wrong, I've had chronic iron deficiency for a decade!) even though they were fat, so they had to be healthy, right? I got shown pictures of obese ballerinas and obese weightlifters blah blah blah. And I grew and grew, and I got to almost 85kg on the fast track to 100kg before reality smacked me in the face and I realised I was shortening my lifespan by decades.

Here's what it was like being obese!

- joint pain, constantly

- could barely walk anywhere without feeling out of breath

- couldn't find any fashionable, good quality clothes (plus size stores either carry unfashionable clothing, or fashionable but cheap quality clothing. I don't like to waste money on cheap clothes)

- more acne than I'd had in years

- oily skin

- more difficulty feeling "full"

- JOINT FUCKING PAIN

- rashes from skin rubbing against skin!

- even larger chest, making me MORE dysphoric

- back pain!!

- snoring - this is not just embarrassing. This is potentially deadly.

- DYSPHORIA

- KNEES. JOINT PAIN.

- DYSPHORIA

this was just things I felt physically, noticeably! The things that my fat was doing on the inside was even worse. Fat isn't just this layer of packing peanuts that appears on top of you. It coats your organs. It gets everywhere. It makes your entire body run worse.

Fat also makes it much more likely for you to not just GET cancer, but it it also makes it harder to FIGHT cancer. Being obese makes almost every single goddamn sickness on the planet worse because when you have THAT MUCH fat tissue the hormones and shit it secretes fucks EVERYTHING up.

Yes there are obese bodybuilders. Yes there are obese ballerinas. Let's talk about those two.

There are plenty of drs and dieticians who have pointed out the obvious - if an obese person was really, actually eating healthily and exercising every day, they would not stay obese forever. Its not magic, it's thermodynamics. CICO done right works for everyone. If you are eating healthy, appropriate portions for weight loss at your TDEE and exercising it would literally be IMPOSSIBLE for you not to lose weight!! Even more the heavier you are because when you exercise you carry around a lot more weight.

Obese weightlifters are still obese. They are not proof you can be obese and healthy. They are still going to die younger if they do not lose weight.

Let's talk about fat ballerinas. The only ones I've seen are trainee ballerinas, not professional ones. And their performance looks impressive at first, until you look closer. You notice their balance is never quite perfect, their control can be amazing and the best ever but they'll still be off. Why? Because fat moves around with your movement, and it displaces your balance and your line of movement. It's simply not possible to do something like ballet dancing as a fat person without risking major injury as well. En pointe is already stupid dangerous for the skinniest ballerina. Going en pointe at anything above 60kg is going to get progressively suckier the heavier you go. And god help your ankles because falling down will always end in a major injury.

I'm so fucking done with "fat acceptance". I'm tired of "body positivity" being a movement about obese middle-upper class white women and not about scars and disabilities etc like it was focused on in the start. I have no problems with Health at Every Size - every person should feel happy to workout, to eat healthy. I have no problem raising issue with people bullying others for their weight as well. That's wrong. But pretending that it's Healthy at Every Size is a fucking lie, and it's one that could've sentenced me to an early death. Healthy at Every Size said I was condemned to joint pain and oily skin and depression and exhaustion for the rest of my life based on cherrypicked sentences from studies that didn't agree with them. That "95% of diets fail" sentence in particular drives me up the wall. You don't need a diet to lose weight, you need healthy CICO, you need to eat below your TDEE, you need to eat healthy, and you need to exercise. All you have to do at first is go on a 10-20 minute walk, whatever pace you like, a few times a week.

You can BE fit, you CAN lose weight! You are not sentenced to having joint pain and an increased risk for cancer and a less effective COVID vaccine for life. You can change your body in incredibly ways. You have no idea what you are capable of.

There's this myth that weight loss takes keto and shakes and diet pills and crash diets etc. It doesn't. All it is is making sure you eat less than your TDEE, eating HEALTHY calories, and getting your heartrate up by exercising at least 175 minutes a week.

The human body is not meant to be obese. There's no such thing as a set point weight. There's CICO, there's nutrition, there's making sure your muscles dont atrophy. Weight loss and fitness isn't some magic thing that youre just born able to do. I was lazy throughout my entire teens. I thought fitness was something the popular girls did. It's not. It's for everyone. and everyone, especially in places with an obesity epidemic such as the US, UK, and Australia, should make use of it. It's a good thing. Walking is one of the best things you can do for your body, and it's incredibly rewarding in every way. Eating healthy and not eating until you feel like you're going to burst is rewarding in every way. And it's not like you can't ever have junk food again, you just have to limit it to a treat, a once or twice per week thing. And honestly, it makes it much more enjoyable that way.

Now I want to talk a little about my anorexia. My weight loss journey came to anorexia. This is because it was an eating disorder I'd had for a long time. I did not see a trainer or dietician, and I consciously decided to push myself too far. I consciously decide to eat less and exercise more when I am starving. This is not something that just happens because someone is eating at 1200cals. It happens because you have an eating disorder which you are born with. Saying people who eat 1200cals of healthy food a day and exercise right are "anorexic" is so fucking insulting to everyone involved. It's ableist and ignorant. 1200cals is also a pretty generous amount for anorexic ppl to eat. That's close to a binge in ED standards, so that should give you a reference for how offbase saying 1200cals is "anorexic" is.

My anorexia is healthy habits pushed into eating disorder territory. I eat healthy, yes, but I don't eat enough. I exercise, yes, but I often push myself too far when I'm already lacking energy. The advice I give people for health is correct, and I'm never going to go around saying "eat less than 1200cals" as weightloss advice. Eat less, sure, but there's a limit. Calorie counting is a good thing to do, tracking your macros and nutrients is good. But I do it too much.

I know what's healthy, a lot of ppl with restrictive and purgative EDs do. People with EDs can give some awesome health advice, we just can't follow it because we have a mental disorder. Believe it or not people with EDs discussing their EDs are not "pro-ana", pointing out that anorexia and people with anorexia are real and not some boogeyman you use to justify not losing weight and eating healthy is not pro-ana. Anorexia existing is not pro-ana and anorexics being anorexic has nothing to do with fatphobia.

this post is a rambling mess but i rly had to get some stuff clear on how I feel abt this stuff because it's getting concerning how much unhealthy shit, and then straight up ableist shit, that the fat acceptance crowd spews out.

A little exercise won't kill you, eating healthy won't kill you. You are not sentenced to ugly plus size fashion and joint pain and being out of breath for the rest of your life. Leave the Healthy at Every Size death cult and join the Health at Every Size movement. Let the doctor take your weight (it IS medically necessary). acknowledge that you are obese and it is affecting your health. It's scary but it can be the start of a new, healthy beginning. It was for me.

Losing 15kg has been the best thing in my life. Sure, the anorexia is there enjoying it for one reason. But the reason I truly enjoy it is because I've discovered what a healthier body feels like. I've discovered the joys of exercise, I've discovered the joys of eating healthy. I can fit nice clothes now. And I'm still overweight! I'm 66kg, that's 4kg away from the barest minimum acceptable healthy bmi. But I feel so so much better. I look better. I have a jawline! Good skin! Energy! It didn't fix me but it sure made me a hell of a lot better.

Please please try and eat healthy, eat an appropriate amount, go for walks. It's so so good, and if you do it right you WILL lose weight. You'll live past 50. You'll get to explore the world in a way you couldn't when going up stairs had you out of breath. You'll fit into that nice skirt you've been looking at. Your skin will clear up. You'll have energy and your mental health will improve.

It's so so fucking worth it to put effort into your health, like I cannot emphasise this enough. Please do it, I wish I could tell myself this when I was binging on junk because the FA crowd told me it was valid to comfort eat until I hurt.

#long post #this is mostly a vent but yeah #basically my decision is that im not touching any fat activism fatphobia etc with a ten foot pole #esp on this blog except to discuss my personal experience with it ie this post #personal #ok to rb #sorry for not putting it under a readmore im on mobile

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jazzytriestowrite · 4 years

Text

Date night | Takami Keigo (Hawks) X Reader

Fandom; My hero academia

Pairing: Takami Keigo (Hawks) X GN Reader

Synopsis: Late nights and long mornings, quarantine has made it hard for y/n to see anyone, more or less their boyfriend hawks. Feeling bad for leaving his s/o alone in their empty home, hawks plans a date night for the both of them to relax and enjoy the little time they have together.

Warnings: A bit of angst at the start, but after that bone rotting fluff.

Word Count: 4,778

A/N: This lovely fic is apart of quarantine fluff collab that the discord server crackhead sanctuary put together. Thank you Sof @myherowritings who hosted this, and I can't wait to read everyones fics!! Also this lovely banner was made by @sanurrwrites and I'm very thankful!!!

♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡

It hit us unexpectedly.

The drastic change in how we did everything was overwhelming, and many of us didn’t really think it would be such a big deal at first. It was a silly virus that would be cured within weeks, nothing to really worry about. So everyone continued about their normal lives, happy that the virus wasn’t in their country, happy it wasn’t them. It simply wasn’t our problem right?

Wrong.

Everything flipped and turned upside down when the unknown and mysterious virus finally hit Japan. While earlier we thought it wasn’t our problem, what are we supposed to say now that it's at our front door? Affecting our neighbors, our friends, our students and our heroes who protect society. No one really cares until it's your problem.

The first death the virus caused made everyone realize just how serious this was. This wasn’t some joke, people's lives were actually in danger and things needed to be done to protect the citizens from a virus that was on a killing spree.

That meant no more social gatherings.

Someone might ask- Well that doesn’t sound too bad? What's wrong with not having to see people?

It was a problem to you, and many others.

Laying in bed day after day, letting the loneliness set in and the worry skyrocket about the current situation. You had taken the simple act of seeing someone in person for granted, and realized just how texting and calling wasn’t the same. You missed going out with friends and doing random things that made you happy. You missed going to the ice cream parlor down the street that would sell you ice cream and soothe all your sad and depressive feelings. What you missed the most was your boyfriend.

The sudden thought of him already made your eyes water and your heart clench. ‘’I miss you Keigo’’ You whispered to the darkness, pulling your warm blanket closer to your body for comfort. The bed that was made for two, suddenly felt way bigger than it needed to be without your boyfriend. ‘’I’m just being selfish, he’s keeping us protected’’

Keigo or Hawks as most society knows him, had been quite busy since the virus broke out in Japan. You’d think villains themselves would stay inside once they heard a virus could kill them, but it was quite the opposite. With no one outside to stop them from their wrongdoings, it was easier for them to commit their daily crimes. So that meant heroes never really got the break they thought they’d get.

While they risked their life everyday to protect citizens, the risk factor was now doubled because of the virus. Heros would continue to go out and protect homes, stores and people who needed it, not letting the virus keep them from doing their job.

It made you happy to know that your boyfriend was doing his job, and probably saving many lives with his patrols. It just hurt that you couldn’t really see him anymore. He was gone before you woke up, and back away after you’ve closed your eyes. You had tried multiple times to keep yourself awake, but never seemed to make it.

You missed his laughter, the way he grinned after getting on your nerves and the stupidly cute smile that would make your heart flutter. You missed his bear hugs and his butterfly kisses all over your face. You missed everything about him down to his annoying antics and crazy eating habits. You had taken it all for granted and now all you had was yourself and the little notes he would leave behind.

‘’I love you Keigo, goodnight baby, stay safe’’ You whispered to the darkness, hoping your words would get to him. Closing your eyes, you snuggled into your body pillow and fell asleep within minutes.

♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~

A couple hours later, the front door of your home creaked open. A blonde male entered quietly, or what he thought was quiet. His posture was slouched, and the eye bags under his eyes gave a clear giveaway that he was tired. ‘’Shit’’ He glanced at the clock and saw it was around 3 am, meaning you had fallen asleep some time ago. His red wings felt heavier than usual, and the thought of sleeping by the front door so he wouldn’t have to climb the stars to the bedroom, was seeming like a good idea.

Keigo shook that idea out of his head, if anything, he wanted to see you, even if you were already sleeping. He felt filthy, so maybe a shower before he got into bed. Even though he was sprayed with every cleaning spray known to man before coming back to your shared apartment, he still took extra precaution when coming home to you. Constantly checking his temperature, and wearing a mask and goggles to keep you protected. You were his little dole, he’d never get over the regret if he passed a virus on to you.

Slugging upstairs, he yelled in fright when he felt himself falling forward towards the steps. At first he didn’t even fight it, trying to save himself from marks on his face from steps seemed like too much work. However, his wings spread out as much as they could, leaving the males face hovering over the steps he was just about to kiss. ‘’Oh’’ He mumbled, the simple thought to use his wings had flown out of his head. God he was so tired. Standing back up, he carefully treaded up the stairs, trying to be more quiet now that he was getting closer to the bedroom.

Opening the bedroom door as quiet as he could, his yellow eyes found your body first. Walking closer he stared down at your sleeping form, a small smile appearing under his mask. ‘’Hi baby, I’m home’’ he said softly, before he frowned. He noticed the tear lines on your face and his heart suddenly felt heavy. Just the thought of you crying without him here to comfort you was truly heartbreaking. You weren’t the only one who missed their partner, since he was surely feeling the same loneliness as you.

He teared his eyes off of you finally, walking away and into your shared bathroom. Shutting the door behind him, he turned on the light and let gaze find the mirror. His rough appearance made him cringe. His golden blonde hair was matted down poking in every direction, eye bags were prominent and his gorgeous smile was covered by this stupid white mask. Reaching up, he ripped the mask off his face, cringing at the red lines he saw of having to wear it so often. All of this sucked. Yet if it meant keeping you and others safe, he would wear this mask for eternity.

About an hour later, he’d showered and dressed in the clothes he’d be sleeping in. All today's grime and cleaning products washed off his skin leaving it spotless. As he stood in front of the mirror, brushing his teeth half heartedly, the thought of you crying earlier was still fresh in his mind. While you wouldn’t tell him you were lonely and wanted more, he knew better. He had been with you for some years now, he knew you inside out. He knew that whilst he had it hard, you were equally suffering.

Within the first two weeks of Covid 19, your student Bakugou Katsuki had caught the virus and was hospitalized due to it. You had cried for 4 days straight, and nothing he said made you feel any better. Being a U.A teacher meant you had worried even more for your students, who were still kids and had places to go.

Keigo felt terrible that he was putting extra stress on you since he still had to do his duties, and that everything wasn’t easy on you just because you were home and hopefully safe.

‘’I’ll make it up, we’ll both have some fun soon’’ He said to himself in the mirror, before spitting out the nasty toothpaste and rinsing his mouth out with some cold water. Finally finishing up, he turned the bathroom light off and trudged towards the bed. Climbing in lazily, he wiggled under the comforter you were hogging to yourself. As his head hit the pillow, he had to keep himself from falling asleep on the spot. The soft fluffy pillow almost sent him to heaven. Scooting closer to you, he wrapped his arms around your body and pulled you closer to him, his head resting in the crook of your neck. Your hair didn’t even bother him, if anything the smell of your shampoo calmed him.

‘’I love you y/n, goodnight dove, I’m home and safe’’ Keigo whispered to you before finally letting his eyes slip close, knowing in a few hours he’d be gone again. Yet getting to hold you before he went to sleep always made his mornings and days easier.

♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~

Sometime before the sun came up, you had felt the bed move, and the warm arms that were keeping you secure left again. You wouldn’t lie, the disappointment you felt hit harder than anything. And when you heard the bedroom lightly shut behind Keigo, you simply wrapped your arms around yourself, hoping to mimic the arms of your lover. Yet his arms and presence were unique, so of course you couldn’t replace his embrace.

You don’t remember falling back asleep, so it confused you when you suddenly felt the bright rays of sun on your face. ‘’Oh, Good morning I guess’’ You mumbled as you sat up, trying to rub the sleepiness out of your eyes. Shielding your eyes from the sunlight with your right hand, you looked around for the one thing that always made your morning.

‘’There it is!’’ You say happily as you roll out of bed and towards the dresser that was next to the bathroom. On Top of the wooden dresser was a handwritten note covered in chicken stickers, and a red rose next to it. Grinning you grabbed both items and jumped back into bed, excited to see what the dumb bird had wrote for today.

Ever since the pandemic started, and since Keigo had been having long shifts, he’d always left letters for you to read in the morning, and a different coloured rose everyday. It made him leaving easier, and the fact that he spent time writing and putting his feelings into them always sparked joy.

Carefully opening the note, you were met with Keigo’s chicken scratch handwriting. You loved him, but one day you were going to give him writing lessons. You shook your head in amusement, ignoring the bad handwriting, you began reading.

‘Good Morning Chickadee,

I hope you had a good sleep baby, I came home late again but as soon as I had the chance you were in my arms. You cuddled up to me instantly, what if I was some intruder? I guess even in your sleep you recognize me and my godliness.

Anyways, I apologize for once more coming home late beautiful. Work has been a bit stressful, but I believe we’ve put a dent on the villains plans. Only small time villains are really causing trouble, and were handling it pretty well. I think sooner or later we won’t need so much patrolling anymore. Hopefully soon, I wanna spend time with my lil nugget.

Oh! I have some news.

Someway or another, I will get off early today and spend some very much needed time between the two of us.

Not to be too sappy in this letter, but, I really miss you y/n. Way more than words can describe. It’s lonely patrolling instead of being home with you and having fun, and honestly just the thought of coming home to you at night is the only way I’m getting through my days at work.

I miss you and the weird laughter you let out at my god awful jokes, I miss you and the way your eyes sparkle when you look at something you like, I miss you and the way you love me unconditionally even when i’m being a weird asshole.

I love you y/n, and I’ll see you tonight dove.

-The best boyfriend ever

ps. You mumbled my name in your sleep.. Having some good dreams huh ;)’

‘’I hate him so much’’ You say while grinning and holding the note towards your chest, your heart beating like crazy. It was weird he still had this affect on you despite dating for a few years, but you hoped this feeling never went away. Neatly folding the note back to how it was, you crawled to the edge of the bed and pulled out a container that was hidden under the bed. Popping the lid off, you placed the note from today alongside the other notes you’ve received over the weeks.

‘’I love you Keigo’’ You whisper lovingly before closing the box once more, sliding the box back under your bed. Picking up the rose you abandoned, you smiled at it. The red rose was beautiful, and it seemed your lover had taken the time to cut the thorns off it.

Shaking your head with a smile, you stood up and walked out the bedroom, your feet padding against the cold ground. ‘’God it’s freezing” You mumble out loud shivering physically, before heading into the kitchen. Opening the window above the sink, you see a cast of 7 different colored roses from this week alone. ‘’Here's your new home’’ You say softly to the red rose before placing it in the vase next to the others.

Leaning against the sink, your gaze wandered to the window or more specifically what's outside the window. The beautiful flowers that were blooming outside made your mood feel lighter, and hearing the kids laughter who was next door made your heart clench in joy.

You couldn’t wait to start a family with the love of your life.

Now that you were up, you would start your daily routine of going with the flow and seeing where the day would take you. Hoping that Keigo would keep his promise in the note and come home early so you could shower him with much needed affection

♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~

Sighing, you turned off the tv with the remote, eyes getting tired of staring at the same screen for hours. Looking over at the clock, you read it was currently 8pm. While your boyfriend said he’d be home tonight, it was starting to get late and you were questioning if he’d actually show.

Not that it’s his fault or anything, you knew his job could get stressful. Yet that wouldn’t stop the disappointment that started to set in, which was a very valid feeling.

Standing up you begin to head towards the bathroom, planning to simply take a bath before getting comfy in your bed and reading, a hobby you picked up after quarantine.

‘’HONEY I’M HOME’’

A voice shouts after forcefully kicking down the door, startling you and making you flinch. None other then Takami fucking Keigo was standing at the door, wings tucked neatly behind his back, huge grin on his face and two grocery bags in both hands.

‘’Keigo, you scared me’’ You say with an angry look before everything set in. ‘’Wait.. Keigo..’’ The light bulb in your head turned on and before your brain could process it anymore, you were flying across the room and jumping into your lovers arm.

Keigo let out a grunt at the sudden attack, but smiled at your innocent gesture. He placed the bags down and wrapped his arms around your body, spinning you around as he bear hugged you. ‘’I’ve missed you too’’ He says, kissing the top of your head. ‘’I told you’d I’d be home tonight, I hope you didn’t lose hope’’ He says as he grins down at your sheepish expression.

‘’No worries though’’ He comments before picking back up the backs he previously dropped. ‘’So, I have a whole plan in mind for tonight, which I am very excited for’’ He says before kicking the door shut and walking into the kitchen. He places the bags on the counter, ‘’So just sit back and relax and I’ll make this a date night you’ll never forget.’’

You tilt your head in curiosity, now wanting to know what this bird brain had planned, but you couldn’t help but get excited along with him. It had been a while since the two of you properly hung out with each other. ‘’So Mister ‘’I have everything planned out already’ what's on the agenda right now?

‘’Well Chickadee, we are gonna make dinner together’’ Keigo says with a bright smile, but cringe when he see’s your deadpanned expression. ‘’Don’t look at me like that dove, I promise it isn’t what you think it is’’

You saw through his desperate attempt to lie. ‘’Kiego did you plan on making chicken again’’ You say while staring him down, and when you see his head hang in shame you laugh. Stepping closer to the male you lift his head back up and press a quick kiss against his lips. ‘’It’s okay, I don’t mind having chicken for the seventh time in the row. Your cooking is actually pretty good’ You comment before stepping away, tying up your hair so you could help as well.

‘’WOO!’’ Keigo winked as he gave you finger guns, ‘’Chicken never gets old babe, thought you knew this’’ When you responded by throwing said bag of chicken at him he screeched before catching it and laughing.

You pull out your phone and play your favourite playlist, so the two of you could bop while cooking. ‘’Oh we can make cookies as dessert! It’s the one thing I can actually bake’’ You say sheepishly, sticking out your tongue when your lover nods in agreement.

With that, the two of you jammed quietly as you began the preparation of dinner.

While you were pouring the cups of flour into the big mixing bowl, you suddenly got the idea to terrorize the male who was singing quietly behind you. Scooping some in your hands, you turn around and innocently call out his name. You wait until the perfect moment. Which is when he turns around fast, a small smile on his face as he quirks his brow. He immediately see’s what you're about to do, but it's too late anyways.

You blow the white powder in your hand right at him, watching as he closes his eyes and screams. ‘’Y/N!! IT'S ON NOW’’

And while you thought this was a good idea at first, when you saw Keigo open his eyes and reveal the determination within them, you mentally cursed. And from there started the flour war, with the two of you giggling while throwing flour at each other.

It ended when you were running to throw some flour at him, but ended up instead eating shit and busting your ass on the wooden floor. Keigo, who was concerned, couldn’t help but start laughing as he helped you off, dusting the flour out of your hair. ‘’Oh gosh, we’ve made a mess of the kitchen’’

Looking around he was right, everywhere you looked there was flour, and now the two of you regretted ever touching the damn powder.

♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~

After some cleaning, and a mini dance session to a couple of songs, the food was finally ready and the two of you sat at the table eating together.

‘’Yeah there was this big spider and I was so scared, I yelled for you and then realized I’d have to get rid of it myself’’ You spoke between bites, your eyes lighting up as you continued telling the story of how a huge spider made its way inside your home.

Kiego just stared at you silently, his mind not even processing your words anymore. You were so cute when you started to ramble, he honestly missed the way you would get so into your stories. Sometimes he didn’t think you were real, you were too perfect. But he was glad you were his, because at the end of the day, he was wholeheartedly yours and he was glad you shared the sentiment.

You two continued to chat as you ate, nothing too important just random chatter to fill the silence. The two of you had so much to tell each other that you didn’t even know much time had passed. Two hours had passed by in the blink of the eye, and you didn’t notice until you glanced at the clock behind you. ‘’Wow it’s getting late’’ You comment, putting the dry dish where it was supposed to go, stepping away from the sink.

Keigo nods, ‘’Time sure does pass when you’re having fun’’ He says with a soft smile, before taking your hand in his, ‘’Come on, I have one more activity I wanna do before sleeping��’ He said as he picked up the last bag that was still sitting on the counter.

You nod, trying to get a peek inside the bag only to be met with him pulling it closer to his body. Letting out a pout, you followed as he pulled you upstairs, nearly sliping as your socks slid across the wooden stairs. ‘’Jeez, the stairs are trying to kill me’’ You complain, glad when the two of you reach the bedroom.

Kiego then whips around, ‘’You should go clean up, you know to get the flour out of your hair’’ He says nervously, and while you wanted to ask why he suddenly started acting weird, a voice inside your head told you just to listen. You simply nodded and gave him a grin, ‘’Okay I will, better not run away while I do’’ You say before going inside the bathroom, shutting the door behind you.

Keigo lets out a deep breath, his eyes drifting to the bag in his hand. ‘’Don’t fail me now’’ he whispered to himself as encouragement.

♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~

Finally done with washing your hair, and getting the flour out of random places you stared at the door in front of you. It was obvious he was doing something out there since you heard his hard footsteps running all around the place. Yet you wanted to give him all the time he needed, and the fact that he was trying to surprise you was cute.

Suddenly, you hear music start to play, making your brows furrow. It sounded like that one song..

‘’Dove you can come out now,,’’ You heard the slight panic in his voice, which made you nervous too. Pushing those feelings aside, you open the door and slowly peak out.

‘What would I do without your smart mouth?

Drawing me in, and you kicking me out

You've got my head spinning, no kidding, I can't pin you down

What's going on in that beautiful mind

I'm on your magical mystery ride

And I'm so dizzy, don't know what hit me, but I'll be alright’

You stand in shock as the lyrics start to reach your ears, which was the song the two of you danced to when he first confessed his love to you. The next thing that almost brought you to tears was the sight in front of you.

Standing in the dim moonlight, your lover was standing proud and tall in the balcony, a nervous smile on his face. Leading up to him were red and pink rose petals, some thrown on the bed as well.

‘’Keigo’’ You whisper as you start walking in his direction, not even caring that the petals stuck to your feet as you walked.

‘My head's under water

But I'm breathing fine

You're crazy and I'm out of my mind’

You finally reach your lover, who in fact still has some flour in his hair. Yet that didn’t matter, because all you could see was his beautiful face, the way his blonde locks flowed in the wind, and how his golden eyes sparkled with an emotion you knew all too well.

Love.

‘’Hi my love, I wanted to end the night really special’’ Keigo whispers as his hands find their way to your waist, pulling you in as your arms wrapped around his neck.

’Cause all of me

Loves all of you

Love your curves and all your edges

All your perfect imperfections

Give your all to me

I'll give my all to you’

The two of you start to sway to the song, your eyes staring into his honey coloured ones. You were caught in a trance, a trance you didn’t really mind at all.

You loved this man more than anything and anyone you knew. Even when he was being a weirdo or saying unfunny jokes, you always found him entertaining. You loved him and all his imperfections. Arguments never tend to last long between you guys as of the unconditional love you had for one another.

As the song started to come to an end, you laid your head on his shoulder, embracing this moment and engraving it in your mind. Tonight was simply perfect, and while the two of you didn’t do much, you still had a blast with your boyfriend.

’I give you all of me

And you give me all of you, oh oh’

You pulled your head off his shoulder when he started to sing the final lines of the song, a genuine smile on his face. ‘’Kei-’’ As the song turns off, he suddenly lets go of your waist and bends down onto one knee, his hand reaching inside his pocket.

‘’ Ah, so here I go’’ The male says as a blush covering his face and running up to his ears. You stand there shocked, your hands coming up to cover your mouth.

‘’Quarantine has been pretty rough haha, but it has taught me a lesson. The world is a scary place, and when this virus pops out of nowhere, I’ve noticed that anything can happen. It’s scary to think that villains aren’t are only problems, but some killer disease could sweep over and take away our happy lives’’

Keigo takes a deep breath, before putting on a nervous smile.

‘’These last few days that I’ve been apart from you made me realize that I never, NEVER, want to be away from you again. I realized that I want to spend all my time that I have left here with you. Y/N, I love you so much’’ He laughs, ‘’I’ve been nothing but happy with you, and you bring out the best in me, and without you I wouldn’t have found myself. I never thought I’d find love, If anything, I just thought I was made to be a hero and nothing more. But I’ve figured out that I can be a hero and also love you.’’

‘’You are my pride and joy, my dove, my chickadee, my beautiful lover...What I’m trying to say is, I love your last name, But I’d prefer if you’d take mine’’

You giggle at his words, tears slipping down your face. You were speechless, and honestly couldn’t even compel yourself to say anything.

‘’Y/N L/N, will you make me the happiest bird every and marry me?’’

You can’t help the shit eating grin on your face as you stare down at your lover, your best friend and the best thing that has ever happened to you. ‘’Keigo’’ You say as more tears fall down your face, your voice shaking as your brain processes everything that just happened. ‘’Yes duh! Who would say no to you’’ You yell, your bottom lip trembling as he stands up and slips the gorgeous diamond ring onto your finger, kissing the ring after he placed it.

‘’I love you’’ The two of you whisper at the same time, both of you gazing into each other's eyes. The both of you were crying, and it made it more special to see him showing so much emotion.

Keigo leaned in slowly, ‘’I’ve loved you for many years Y/N, and I’ll continue to love you until my dying days’’ He says softly before pressing his lips against yours, one hand holding your cheek and the other bringing your waist closer to him.

And with that, moonlight shined on the newly engaged couple, who still had their whole life ahead of them.

#kiego takami #Bnha writing blog #bnha fluff #hawks x reader #fluff

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uh-drarry · 4 years

Text

Previous Part

Angsty Quarantine Drarry, requested by, like, three people

(TW: talk of past child abuse) This takes place before my previous Quarantine Social Media AU

- Harry is having a hard time with quarantine despite being stuck in his house with his dads.

- Draco is living with Blaise and has only been at their flat, the grocery store, or visited their mums since quarantine began a month or so ago.

- He and Harry FaceTime at least once a day and text constantly

- Remus is always asking Harry if Draco is staying up on his English assignments and when they say they’re working on another class he always scoffs and says English is obviously most important with a wink as he walks away

- Sirius is enjoying staying in bed longer in the mornings and waking up with Remus instead of waking up at the ass crack of dawn to help open the cafe as he usually does. He is already starting to miss it though. (But Remus and Harry benefit because Sirius will make them the best coffee or pastries some mornings)

- Draco notices something is off before Remus and Sirius because he’s constantly talking to Harry and the other two think Harry is in his room working on his online assignments and talking to Draco. Which he is, they’re not totally wrong.

- But his grades are starting to slip and Harry is getting very lonely and depressed. Some nightmares are starting to return, and his appetite is waning.

- Being stuck in one space, despite it being a house rather than a cupboard, is getting to him.

- Harry doesn’t talk about this because he thinks it’s ridiculous, it’s been over 15 years since he was removed from the Dursley’s and he’s had therapy for it for years how can this still effect him. He fears looking ungrateful for everything Remus and Sirius have done for him at times like these.

- Draco notices that Harry seems more tired than usual and is confused about his assignments more than usual. At first Draco chalked the assignment thing up to changing to the online system but then he noticed the other things too. And he starts to get a bit worried but he tells himself that it’s probably nothing.

- Until he keeps noticing these things and it feels like Harry isn’t contributing much to their conversations, as well as pulling away from Draco.

- Harry usually only spends time with his dads at dinner now. He tries to paste on a smile and always offers to do the dishes so his dads don’t notice how little he’s eaten. After dishes, he usually claims he’s going to play video games or talk to Draco and his friends or go to bed so Sirius and Remus don’t bat an eye about it. They just hug him goodnight and tell him they love him.

- One night Draco has had enough of the worrying and guessing. He can’t get much out of Harry anymore and he’s getting worried. More so than before.

- At this point Draco knew a bit about the Dursley’s and what they did to him but the two never really sat down and talked about everything. Draco didn’t want to push Harry about it and Harry didn’t want Draco worrying about him or to scare him off.

- Draco’s mind, because of the lack of information, doesn’t immediately go to Harry’s history. But he doesn’t know what it could be thats affecting him like this. Draco knows Harry was in an abusive household as a child but that’s about it.

- So. One night Harry is very quiet during their FaceTime. He’s laying in bed in a blanket burrito and half asleep when he mumbles out that he misses Draco a lot and his blankets aren’t as good at cuddling him as Draco is. A minute later he falls asleep with the FaceTime still going.

- Draco watches him for a couple minutes before ending the call and leaving his flat.

- He’s never snuck in to Harry’s room before, especially without Harry but he’s determined. He knows they have a spare key and that Sirius and Remus are probably watching TV in the back room together.

- He finds the key and as quietly as he can, opens the door.

- Normally he would just knock and have one of Harry’s dads let him in. But he feels like this is an important conversation to have between the two of them before he decides to bring his dads attention to the possible problem.

- Plus he’s not worried about Sirius and Remus, they love him and yeah they wouldn’t love him sneaking in but they’d listen to him before forming an opinion about why he was doing so.

- The only thing he’s worried about is them not letting him stay because of the quarantine.

- He successfully gets in, and locks the door behind him. He can hear the tv like he assumed, and slowly makes his way up to Harry’s room where he finds a still asleep Harry with his phone still in hand.

- He can hardly even make out Harry’s head, he’s buried so far in his blankets.

- Draco quietly makes his way over to Harry, sits on the bed, and gently shakes the sleeping boy.

- Harry mumbles and tells Remus to go away, but rolls over and opens his eyes when Draco doesn’t leave.

- Harry bolts upward, eyes wide when he realizes that it’s Draco who’s waking him up.

- “Wait.” He rubs his eyes and looks back at Draco, “what’s happening, why are you here?”

- “I snuck in here, darling. I need to talk to you.”

- Harry’s eyes widen “my dads don’t know you’re here? Are you okay?”

- “No they don’t. I found the spare key and they didn’t hear me over the TV. I’m okay, Harry, but I don’t think you are and I was worried and needed to check on you and talk to you in person rather than through a screen.”

- Harry calms a little when Draco says he’s okay, but avoids Draco’s eyes when he says he wants to talk. “What do you want to talk about?”

- “Babe, are you okay?”

- “What do you mean.”

- “I mean... I feel like something is wrong. Since quarantine started you’ve slowly seemed, I don’t know, not yourself. You seem withdrawn, and like you’re not sleeping well. You were worrying about school which I thought was just because of the online thing but now I don’t think it’s that. I’m just worried and wanted to see if you were feeling okay or if you were sick or just needed a cuddle.”

- “Well I definitely need a cuddle.” Harry mumbled, he laid back onto his bed and unfurled some of his blanket so Draco could be part of his burrito.

- Draco joined him, laying so they were facing each other. They just watched each other for a minute until Draco leaned forward to kiss Harry’s nose. Harry scrunched up his nose and giggled, making Draco smile.

- “Really though, Babe, are you okay? Do you want to talk about anything?” Draco asked, honestly quite worried about his boy.

- Harry sighed. And started playing with Draco’s fingers while he gathered his thoughts.

- “Well. I think-“ Harry paused, looking frustrated with himself.

- He tried again, “so you know that for a few years when I was little, I lived in an abusive home.”

- Draco nodded, “I don’t know much more than that though.”

- “Right. Well, my parents were killed when I was 2 years old. Apparently no one could find a will or anything saying that I was supposed to live with Sirius as my godfather, I still don’t understand that part. Anyway, so I was handed over to the only blood relatives I had left, my mums sister and her husband. And I lived there until I was almost 6.”

- Draco could tell that opening up like this was costing Harry. He pulled the other boys hands up and kissed them and then leaned forward to kiss Harry properly before allowing him to continue. Before he did though, Harry scooted closer to snuggle into Draco’s chest, and Draco wrapped his arms around Harry, and rested his chin on top of his head.

- “The social workers, they didn’t check on us much. And I think they told the Dursley’s they were coming because they never caught them doing anything to me. Or maybe they ignored it. I don’t know. At least until I was assigned a new social worker, Janie. She made a surprise visit, Vernon made me answer the door because they were eating. I was taken away from them that night, especially after I showed her my bedroom because my bedroom was the cupboard under the stairs.”

- Draco tensed up, immediately livid at these people who he’d never met, and who Harry hadn’t seen since he was 6. He didn’t want to interrupt Harry though, now that he was opening up to him, so he just hugged him tighter and kissed the top of his head before taking a deep breath and continuing to listen.

- “I was like a servant to them. Especially to their son, Dudley. I had to wake up and make them breakfast, clean the house, tend the garden. If I messed up, which happened because I was a toddler, I was punished. There was a lot. I still remember a lot. No one ever believed me because my aunt and uncle made me out to be this troublesome child. I didn’t have time for schoolwork because I had so many chores. I wasn’t allowed to eat much, and I got scraps when I did. I was apparently pretty malnourished. The doctors believed that this all stunted my growth, and that’s why I’m shorter than I should be. And probably why my eyes are so bad too.”

- Harry stopped speaking for a bit then, lost in thought. Draco just continued to hug him while he waited for the rest. “They’re in prison still for what they did to me. I don’t know what happened to my cousin.”

- Harry sighed deeply, “So because of quarantine, I think, and being stuck in one place for who knows how long even if it’s a whole house this time and with people who I know love me it’s starting to bring back bad thoughts. I’m having nightmares again. Which I haven’t had for a few years now and I think I’m getting depressed and my grades are slipping and I’m worried about covid and I feel like all this is so stupid. I haven’t seen the Dursley’s since I was 6, it’s been what, 15 or so years? I’ve been in a loving home for 15 years and yet I get nightmares as soon as I’m not allowed to leave. I feel like it’s all so stupid and I’m stupid for being like this and not appreciative of my Dads for all they’ve done for me.”

- “You’re not stupid, Harry. Not at all.” Draco could tell Harry was getting emotional and trying to let it out. He could feel a wetness on his shirt from tears of frustration and anger and sadness. But Harry continued on, unable to stop without getting everything off of his chest now.

- “They fucking took the door off of my closet because I thought I was stuck in there when it closed on me in my first month of living here and had a panic attack. They made our cupboard under the stairs into a good and happy space for reading or hanging out. They have done everything for me and they never gave up on me. I remember them trying to come see me at the Dursley’s all the time, even though they never let them in. I love them so much and I feel like I’m ungrateful for it all when I feel like this-” He broke off, crying harder this time. After a few minutes and some deep breaths he continued again.

- “Being stuck here is bringing back nightmares, as well as my claustrophobia and I constantly feel trapped, so I just come up here to my room and nap in bed because I’m just so exhausted all the time and I have nowhere else to go. And I try to fake it in front of my dads. I don’t think they’ve really noticed anything. I got good at lying and hiding at the Dursley’s and I hate it even if it helps sometimes.”

- It seemed that Harry was finally done. Draco hoped he hadn’t left anything big out. He wanted to know and understand Harry on every level, and something this big was a good thing to understand, or at least to know about.

- Draco leaned back so he could finally see Harry’s face again. He wiped his tears away, and kissed his forehead, “thank you for telling me this, Harry. I want you to know that this will not scare me away, I’m here to stay.”

-Harry squeezed his eyes shut as a few more tears leaked out, he grabbed Draco and hugged him fiercely, “Thank you, Draco. For letting me talk, for listening, and for still being here.”

- “Of course, Harry.” He let the hug go on for a few minutes before tapping his shoulder and pulling back. “C’mon. Up you get.”

- “What? Why what are we doing?”

- “I just need you to get up and grab us another comfy blanket.” Harry looked confused but obliged anyway. When he came back, Draco was up and waiting for him at the doorway and holding out his hand for Harry’s. In his other arm, was Harry’s duvet. Still confused, Harry grabbed his hand. Draco led him upstairs and out onto the roof. He walked to the middle and layed out the blanket Harry had been carrying before grabbing Harry’s hand and pulling him down onto it. He then took Harry’s duvet and rolled them up into it, and manoeuvring Harry so he was resting against Draco's chest again while looking into the night sky.

- “Oh.” Harry mumbled when he looked up and saw all the stars reflecting back at him.

- Draco smiled, “You said you were getting claustrophobic being trapped in your house. This way. You’re not trapped inside, but still quarantining at least. And you get to look at the beautiful sky, and feel the breeze.”

- Harry was speechless at the thoughtful gesture. He felt so loved in that moment. Draco snuck here, just to make sure he was okay. He hadn’t run off when Harry told him about his past. He keeps comforting him whenever he needs it. And now he’s doing all he can to help fight everything negative Harry has been feeling over the last month.

- Harry wiped away another tear before he turned, leaning over Draco. He leaned down and kissed his boy. Trying to convey all of his feelings in that one kiss. He pulled back and stared at Draco for a minute, committing everything to memory. He never wanted to forget this moment.

- Harry looked into Draco’s eyes and thought he could see his emotions reflected back to him.

- “Draco.” They looked at each other for another moment, Draco moving his hand to cup Harry’s face, while the other went around his waist.

- “I love you, Draco.” It was the first time either of them had said it. Draco's eyes widened slightly before a big grin broke out over his face.

- Draco surged up to kiss him again, then, “I love you too, Harry.” They continued for a few minutes before setting back down to where they’d been, smiles on both of their faces.

- “Harry?” Draco asked after awhile of pointing out constellations, and certain stars.

- “Yeah?”

- “You’re going to talk to your dads about everything right? Soon? I feel like they will really be able to help you, love.”

- Harry sighed, but nodded. “Yeah, I’ll talk to them tomorrow. Will you be there with me?”

- “Of course I will. I’d do anything for you. But that’s tomorrow and I think we should probably go to sleep. It’s pretty late and you’re not sleeping enough as it is. Mind if I sleep over?”

- “Of course not, Draco. You can sleep over whenever you want. Especially if we sleep in my bed.”

- “Well I certainly didn’t want to sleep on the couch or the floor.” The two boys got up and took the blankets back inside and down to Harry’s room before snuggling back in Harry’s bed together.

“I love you, Harry James Potter-Lupin.” Draco said with a kiss.

- Harry smiled and replied, “I love you too, Draco Lucius Malfoy.”

Masterlist

Tags: @pan-and-ready-to-stan @spaceaas @abstractundefined @afanbloglikeanother @potatoloveisreal @itsskylover23 @it-would-set-me-on-fire @panicfanatic-malfoy @drarryruinedme7 @charlenasaxen @vici-l @sweetlialia @devilrising @eruditeslytherin @malfoy-potterx

#y'all #I did it #drarry #drarry quarantine headcanon #harry potter #draco malfoy #sirius black #sirius lupin #remus lupin #hp headcanon #angsty drarry #angsty drarry quarantine #drarry quarantine

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