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aonrivers · 4 years

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Pregnancy, Birth, Postpartum, and Baby Time! (TMI warning) - Part 01

Recently I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. For nine months I read articles and expectations of things to happen and to come, but honestly nothing prepared me for the truth of it all. Sure my friends told me some stuff, but nothing like what I experienced.

I’ve decided to write the nitty gritty of it all along with tips for new moms that I wish I had too. This is going to be major TMI, but when you've given birth, nothing seems like TMI anymore - especially because in the labor room you've got about ten people you've never met before (yes, even your doctor) staring at your asshole and your crotch. With introductions out of the way, are you ready? Here we go!

Part 1 of IDK how many...

Truths about being pregnant:

1) First and foremost... Officially remove negative people in your life the moment that stick says positive. This is Tip #1. I planned on doing this for months before I got pregnant but being pregnant pushed me to do it sooner. I was tired of being stressed out and having negative things told me by certain people in my life and I wasn't going to have it continue during one of the most stressful and most beautiful times of my life. I closed the door on many friendships during my first few weeks and even though it still bugs me that I had to do it, I'm glad I did and recommend others to do the same (even when you aren't pregnant). 2) Tip #2 I can offer is either before or during your pregnancy, plan a vacation. I was on vacation when I got pregnant and planned a trip with my best friend when I hit mid third trimester (would've been sooner but 2020 was a hellish year for the world). 3) I bought a belly book after a few weeks of finding out I was pregnant. My friend recommended it and it was really cool to document every week and my thoughts and post my belly bump pictures, but then second trimester hit and the book was wrong... I ignored it until the third trimester hit and it was wrong again. What was wrong with it? They claimed my trimesters started in certain weeks that were 2-3 weeks off. I Googled my trimesters and checked multiple sites - the book was wrong. So I finally said screw it and created my own. I bought a scrapbook (use a Michael's coupon, that shit is expensive) and I began to craft my own book. 4) A huge suggestion: take those belly bump pictures!! It sounds silly but it's super cool to have. Not only do you get to see your belly growing, but you can put those pictures in your scrapbook like I did. I took the same pose in the same place every Friday. Then I found a really cool app that you could put words on your images and ended up doing that for my Instagram posts. 5) My 3rd tip is make sure you have a really good relationship with your doctor and they believe in the same things you do. I think this is important because I wasn't happy with the thought of being pregnant with my normal doctor then I ended up not being happy half the time with the doctors I went to while pregnant. I wish I had that doctor patient relationship you think every pregnant lady has. I kind of had that with my crazy, beady-eyed doctor I had seen for thirteen years, but when it came time to have a child, she just didn't align with me. She was pro everything I'm not and became a little too radical for me. Be who you wanna be, believe and think what you wanna believe and think, but don't push that shit on me - and that's the direction she started going. So in the end, I left her and went with my friend's doctor... Who happened to have 5+ doctors and a midwife.... Midwife was cool and maybe two of the doctors, but the rest I wasn't a fan of. I didn't even know the doctor who I gave birth with and it was very impersonal with the doctors I saw during the checkups. For example: one doctor would come in, glance at me, talk to me while staring at the computer screen, then leave. I also didn't get ultrasounds done with them, only heartbeat checks. It just wasn't a journey with them like I thought it would be and should've had. Now speaking of those sweet black and white first photos... 6) Sonograms are beautiful things to have. I got a nice picture frame for my second trimester image and have it on my dresser with a cute doll and my childhood music box. Treasure these little pictures. Take pictures of them to keep and reprint because the ink will fade on the ones the tech gives you, but for the love of God, hide your personal information when you post them. Sonograms say your name and birthdate, along with where you got the picture taken then more information on your child. It irks me to no end when people post this online. Especially on Twitter, which is a public forum. Shit. I didn't even post that on my private Instagram. 7) Next Tip: Call insurance to confirm multiple things, such as: what's covered during pregnancy/hospital stay/postpartum, if the hospital is covered, and if your Pediatrician is in network. Just because the office says "yes we take Aetna/UHC" doesn't mean they're in network. 8) Something that I will be telling everyone I know who is pregnant (which honestly isn't many) is scourge the internet for those pregnancy sites. Most sites and stores offer sample boxes. If you start a registry, they send you one too. Try: Amazon, Babylist, BuyBuyBaby, Walmart, Target... The list goes on. Check What To Expect's website for a list of all the sample box sites. I got about ten boxes that all had great stuff inside: bottles, pacifiers, breast milk pouches, diapers, lotion/shampoo samples, wipes, pads, and a few other smaller things. I honestly haven't used any of it, but plan to soon. 9) A great tip my friend told me was to go on those breast pump sites and check to see if your insurance is covered. My insurance ended up covering up to $300 for a breast pump. Of course I went with a $300 breast pump and paid an extra $30 out of pocket to have a few more parts included in my purchase. It was a great idea and is highly recommended for new moms to take advantage of! (I went with Spectra for a few reasons... It's definitely quieter than the Medela pump (the hospital had this one), and there's a nifty nightlight on the pump handle with two settings. It's super useful and I actually use the nightlight feature every night...) 10) Another great tip is to make that baby registry and share it!! People you don't expect will buy stuff. I used Amazon and got a bunch of perks. After my shower, I bought the rest of my stuff with the discounts Amazon offers. It was 2 bulk orders where both had 15% off entire order. I also get discounts on diapers for a year or, I think, the equivalent of $600 spent. Both perks were extremely helpful. 11) FYI, pregnancy is ten months, not nine. They tell you this in articles on The Bump and What To Expect, but I figured I'd say it anyways. 12) You won't miss your period during this time. I sure don't. 21 years so far is long enough for me. 13) The nausea is real and it sucks. It gets to the point where you don't wanna try for baby number two because you're just so over it after being sick for three months straight. 14) Nausea doesn't mean you're hanging over the toilet bowl throwing up the only food that doesn't make you sick. You can just have that knot in your throat all day that's teasing you about having to throw up. Not fun. 15) Being tired is also real and I have no idea how working moms-to-be do it. I work from home, so taking power naps was easy to do. Most of the time, I couldn't keep my eyes open. And it took about three months to find out why... (see next number) 16) YOU'RE NOT ONLY GROWING A HUMAN INSIDE YOU BUT A FREAKING ORGAN TOO!! That's right folks. The placenta isn't just chilling inside you waiting for the day you get pregnant. It's growing right alongside your little baby, taking your nutrients and energy so it can form and power up your little embryo/fetus. 17) If you're a vivid dreamer like me, the dreams are definitely weird. They tell you this, but for me, my dream self becomes pregnant too. I literally went through my dreamworlds pregnant. 18) Boobs hurting is an understatement. My boobs hurt so badly from the hormones and getting ready for milk that I didn't even wanna touch them when I was showering. 19) Your boobs become hideous. I have small breast - a nearly A has been my measurement in the past, but becoming pregnant, I became a large B - probably going into a small C cup. And not only did the boob itself get bigger and veinier, but the nipples got bigger and darker (confirmed by my friends, doctor, and websites that women experience this change). I honestly don't recognize my boobs anymore. I also don't even know why I wanted bigger boobs growing up. They suck. It's not the backaches (I didn't have any while pregnant, surprisingly), it's the fact that when you sleep on your side, that boob gets crushed and goes numb. 20) Boobs leak as they start forming that first collection of milk aka colostrum. So be aware. Being braless is great but those milk stains aren't cute. And it's not like a normal wet spot either where your nipples are. It's a wet stain with a milky ring around it making it totally unattractive. 21) Your nipples will become numb aka no stimulation. At least for me. My nipples are still numb but I guess it goes without saying why (think about it). 22) On websites, they will tell you that your cervix swells and some women enjoy sex more with their new closed off vagina, but not for me. It hurt to do anything down there. My husband and I had one position available and when the bump got bigger, we became celibate. And boy does the guilt take over... So expect this to happen - you're not alone if it does. 23) Your sex drive may be gone. As I said above, I swelled up down there and it was very painful having sex. With that, the sex drive was killed. My poor hubby suffered through these nine months and continued to suffer after birth because- well I'll get to why suffering continues after birth later. 24) Craving food may not happen for you. I didn't crave anything unusual. The only thing I ate on a daily basis were two English muffins with butter. On weekly basis I had three scrambled eggs on those two English muffins. This occurred maybe 2-3 times a week. Other than that, my "cravings" were the same. I wanted Taco Bell and all the other normal stuff I ate when not pregnant. 25) Paranoia for what you're eating will definitely hit you. Guilt will too. Paranoia because you're checking Google to see if you were allowed to eat that pasta with garlic sauce; and guilt because you're eating crappy junk food and feel like you're depriving your baby of nutrients. But like my friend told me, your body provides the baby what it needs and to stop being paranoid. Also those prenatals pack a punch in vitamins. 26) This isn't really nitty gritty or a tip... it's just something I personally did while pregnant and that was - I stayed away from the foods they tell you to like the high mercury fish and cold cuts, but I ate hot dogs and medium cooked beef. But those meats were cooked 170°+ which they recommend if you wanna eat your normal foods. You can also eat cold cuts but it's highly recommended they're warmed up. These meats contain listeria which is something we can defeat by ourselves but our little babies in the womb have difficulty in doing. Another thing I did in regards to food was I stayed away from foods I was allowed to eat but made me sick when I wasn't pregnant. I just didn't want to deal with the sickness. 27) Sleep however tf you want to sleep and that's exactly what I did. Sleeping on my side is not something I do when not pregnant and certainly didn't happen while pregnant. That is, not until the last month or two. I'll elaborate... I'm a back sleeper. I slept on my back and felt my baby every night tucking into one side of my belly because it was comfortable for her. It wasn't until those last months where the weight of my baby was actually pushing on my spine and yes you can feel it. It's a heavy pain that forces you to side sleep. 28) Those pregnancy pillows are shit. Seriously. They're bulky and annoying. My friend bought me a super nice one that went under the head, down the back, and cupped between the legs and I used it for five minutes. I'll find use for it one of these days - maybe gift it to my friend who is due in April - but right now it's just taking up space downstairs. I tried the slanted pillow for my belly. That lasted a month. What did it for me was that silly "As Seen On TV" pillow. It's that white, guitar pick looking pillow you shove between your knees to keep your legs leveled and your spine straight. That's literally the only pillow that helped me when my belly got huge. My bed worked out in my favor cupping my bump. 29) Being pregnant in the summer isn't that bad. Granted I had AC/Central Air the entire time. But seriously... You know why it also wasn't so bad? I could wear tank tops and dresses. Those were my maternity clothes. I bought maternity leggings for $4 when Kohl's had them on sale. They sucked. The belly piece went over the belly nicely, but the back road my back fat in a very uncomfortable way (and I don't really have back fat). Also, flip flops were my Godsend. When my feet swelled, flip flops were all I wore. Can't do that in the colder months! 30) I basically became a heater. Probably because I gained 4lbs of blood and water and a baby and whatever else was going on in my body. I normally sleep with a fleece blanket and a comforter; even in the summer. I could only use my fleece blanket while pregnant. I was surprisingly warm enough. Which leads me to the next sleeping factor... 31) Sleeping naked was a must. Here's why... Besides being hot all the time, waistbands hurt me and shirts bugged the crap outta my body. 32) Being commando all the time was a must. It was super nice being commando. I didn't have to worry about a period making a grand entrance and the waistband and around my thighs weren't hurting. 33) A nice buying tip: the baby grows super fast. And if your baby is born in the fall or winter, chances are the stores only have summer clothes. So make sure you get those larger outfits for the months to come! 34) Ask for larger clothes for that baby shower. It'll help down the road. 35) Shaving stops when you can no longer see down there and when you can no longer bend comfortably to shave your legs. Of course that didn't stop me before I went to the hospital. I cleaned up the best I could from the belly button down, but still managed to miss that one spot on my damn kneecap! 36) Back to baby... Flutters start being felt really early. Feels like gas but it's the baby. They say 16 weeks but I was feeling the flutters at 12 weeks. After the flutters came the kicks and jabs, and the constant wondering if I had a mini Mike Tyson in my belly. Especially when my belly would convulse like she was using my organs as a punching bag. I came across only one random article that explained what that was... Hiccups. Yes, the baby gets hiccups in utero and if your baby is like mine, the damn things continue outside the womb annoying your little bundle of joy like your own hiccups annoy you. 37) Sometimes you'll panic when you don't feel the baby moving much. Babies in the womb still need sleep I was told. If you get no movement at all within 24 hours no matter what you do then definitely call your doctor. (Your doctor should tell you this during a visit.) 38) I was told this: babies hear you and mostly everything around you outside the womb. This is true. My baby would move from her comfy right side to the left just to get closer to where my husband was talking to her. 39) Third trimester is when everything starts getting real, possibly painful, and definitely the feeling of "I'm over this". They mention this on those websites and they're not joking. 40) Every night I popped two tums just to keep the acid reflux down and the heartburn away. They say major heartburn means you've got a hairy baby and they weren't kidding (more on this later). 41) Waddling actually does occur. At first I felt like I was just doing it because I'm pregnant and subconsciously I'm making fun of pregnant ladies you see in movies. But you really do waddle and wonder if your walk will ever be the same again. (Spoiler: it does.) 42) My feet and legs swelled by my 8th month. They were slowly swelling into the third trimester but it was super noticeable towards the end. But I also ran into a health issue which I'll get to later... The swelling actually hurts. It feels like you're walking on water bags and on top of that, the bottom of your feet feel like you walked all of Disney World nonstop for a week straight. Do yourself a favor and put your feet up and rest. I hardly did this. I just had so much stuff I wanted to get done and I don't like asking for help, so I did everything myself until it got to the point where my husband or mother-in-law were yelling at me. 43) Getting a cold while pregnant sucks. Coughing and blowing your nose is kind of hard because you start to worry that your upsetting your baby. Plus, now you gotta think about medicine. What's safe and should you even bother... Luckily your doctor gives a list of safe medications. 44) Swelling in the feet could be something completely different than just the normal "things to expect in your third trimester" so be aware and prepared for problems that can arise that you weren't expecting. Like what happened to me. Even though those monthly appointments turned weekly get annoying, especially when you gotta drive thirty minutes to your appointments, they're not pointless. In week 38 I had protein in my urine and my blood pressure was high. The protein was not a UTI like what I got when I conceived back in December. That protein was a glimpse into something pretty scary if not caught early during pregnancy. It's called pre-eclampsia. Luckily I was two weeks out from my due date so inducing me wasn't too big of an issue. My baby was fully grown. Only way to get rid of pre-eclampsia is to remove the placenta - hence the early birth of my baby. But some mom's aren't this lucky and lemme tell you something. This was something that was never brought up to me during my doctor visits or on the websites I visited. They don't tell you that pre-eclampsia can happen at any point or that it could come back, and possibly worse, in your next pregnancies until you've been tested positive for it. I was in the hospital for five days after giving birth. My kidneys, heart, and platelets were all affected. Thank God I'm cleared now, but knowing about this ahead of time would've been nice. I could've looked for signs which were massive swelling in legs and feet (luckily I had no headaches or blurry vision). But like I said, I was tested positive late in the game. Some mother's aren't. Part 02 will go into labor and the TMI things that go on when you're admitted into the hospital.

#pregnancy #birth #nitty gritty #blog #post #postpartum #childbirth #child #mother #new mother #mom to be

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courage-a-word-of-justice · 5 years

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Shield Hero 20

Motoyasu getting dragged by Filo was funny…not enough to get a proper laugh though. Just a smirk or two.

Stop narrating and just get on with it, Naofumi and friends…!

“I was saying we should fight together all along.” (from Itsuki) – Were you, now…? (skeptical)

Ass-pull! I call “ass-pull” at the power to swallow the phoenix flame! Seriously, when did the dragon get the opportunity to teach Naofumi how to do that???

How did Naofumi not die after losing so much blood…?

What does the Q even stand for in the queen’s name…?

Sarazanmai 7

The seagulls…so fluffy…

For some reason, I expect a fakeout, but then it never arrives…these boys are really connecting…

I found some kappa croquette thingy online, but it referred to a “Shiki City” which probably isn’t in Asakusa…

The shirt…Kazuki’s shirt says “frog” but I get the feeling it also means “return”.

Shirohasu water. It’s Irohasu in Japan.

Was the lyric to Kawausoiya (the otter song) “gonna take ‘em”…?

Nice ET reference, Sara.

Balls…not just sport entendre, but…y’know. The sort of humour I don’t like as much.

Ooh…Keppi is shaping up to be the bad guy. But what plans does he have? Am I speculating too much and is he being framed? Hard to know until next time…

BSD 32

When Kyouka is eating the sundae, she looks like the Tofu Kyouka from Mayoi…hmm.

Can I confess something? Before I saw the illustrations for s2, I thought Louisa’s hair was much darker than what it is in the anime…hmmm, indeed.

I don’t think we were ever told (in the manga or the anime) what Louisa’s wish was…

This bit with Fyodor…I don’t think it was in the manga.

Subarashi-sou is a pun on “it seems wonderful”. That wasn’t in the manga, but it’s a great pun (because it’s right up my alley).

Fitz laughing at the neighbour’s TV wasn’t in the manga either, but that’s just the anime director’s humour peeking through.

“Blalack Daniel’s”, LOL.

Ohh…a quick Google reveals TJ Eckleberg is from the Great Gatsby. In there, he’s an eye doctor, but here, he’s an engineer.

George B Wilson is also from the Great Gatsby…Here be spoilers, but…George dies in his original work too.

Manhasset is a place in New York…I assume it’s connected to the Great Gatsby as well…

Oh yeah! Random Poe moment. That’s in the manga, so Igarashi (or whoever’s responsible for the terrible humour) doesn’t have to fake that bit.

Cue “Objection!” by Fitz, lemme guess. Even if I know the outcome and how it was done, I’d like to have my memory refreshed (by stabbing in the dark…and making an Ace Attorney joke in the process).

I already know, without googling, that Tom Buchanan is part of Great Gatsby as well…

Bank of Amerigo…LOL.

Fruits Basket 8

“If you show up for the banquet now…”

“The banquet sounds just like the folk tale!” Honestly, subbers, proofread…

Haa-kun and Haa-san. No distinguishing between them (aside from honorifics), even though they’re two completely different people.

Hatori’s squinty face was…hilarious, to put it simply.

Oh…I forgot the dance seems to be something the animal of the year does. So if Yuki was 3 years ago, it makes sense Momiji is doing it this year.

Best seat in the house for a sunrise, huh?

Kimetsu no Yaiba 8

I’ve seen Muzan being described as “Demon Michael Jackson” and now I can’t get that out of my head when I see him…sorry.

Tsukihiko, huh? It translates to “moon’s radiance” or something like that. That name is appropriate for a bad guy, isn’t it?

This is the first time I’ve really listened to the OST (aside from the OP and ED), so it’s…really something.

Ooh, I didn’t realise until now, but Ufotable even imitated the paper Jump is printed on with the next-ep previews…

OPM 2 8 (OPM 20)

Er…I haven’t mentioned it for the past few episodes, but Suiryu is hotttttttt. (No? I said that? Okay, next step.) That’s basically the only reason why I’m watching anymore…I can’t seem to find anyone who thinks positively of this tournament arc enough to do reviews of it that I can read, which has made my own opinion of this beloved series go down the drain…Also, if you weren’t aware, my taste lies not in Suiryu’s huge bulk, but rather in the fact he’s got long hair.

Didn’t Suiryu get pierced in the abs??? Where’s the blood coming from his injuries??? Update: He does have injuries there, they’re just not bloody…that’s all.

The main criticism for OPM 2 is the fact that it keeps cutting between different events, so it’s hard to follow. Well, I’ve had worse (see Concrete Revolutio) so that’s why I’m still here.

People say that clothing changes you – say if you put on a new outfit, you feel like a new person. (Of course, that’s all glamorising and praising consumption, but that’s beside the point here.) I think that’s what’s up with Max and Snek.

Shield Hero 21

“…the Shield Hero is worshipped.”

Really? Boob jiggle, at a time like this??? (Context: Malty is getting th slave crest painted on her.)

Wait, was there ever a Shield Church???

Okay, that felt like a real seasonal ending. What the heck is going to happen in the last few episodes, I wonder…?

Sarazanmai 8

Chikai knows the real meaning of YOLO…heh. I’m only kidding…

To be honest, I think I like Toi best out of the main trio. I tend to like the boys in blue…and no, I don’t mean the otter police.

Kazuki’s service provider is “Kappa Phone”, LOL.

When Reo held up the gun, I was yelling, “Enta! Get it for him!” (i.e. take the bullet) I didn’t expect him to actually do it…

…and here I thought tragic yuri was common enough and we don’t have enough Tragic Yaoi Dudes…

Notably, Toi was registered on Enta’s phone as “Kuji”, while Kazuki is registered as “Kazuki” (katakana) on Toi’s.

Shots fired…!

Update: I didn’t notice this, but the evil dude with kamome written behind him (I think it’s in this episode, but it might have been in the last one instead) must be based on a seagull…because that’s what kamome means.

Bungou Stray Dogs 33 (BSD S3 Ep 8)

I think it was around here I stopped reading the scans, because the series was picked up legally anyway…but I can see the death flags for a certain Port Mafia man…one who stands at the top.

As expected…butt shot. Igarashi (or whoever’s responsible for that shot) likes butts, so between this and Sarazanmai…*imagines image of kappa!Kazuki holding a shirikodama* There’s absolutely no buts about it (LOL), there’s no shortage of butts this season.

“To think that the rabbit being hunted would show its face…” – I think it’s hard for you to say that, Akutagawa, when you yourself have no face in that frame…

Why are both Akutagawa and Fyodor Naruto running today???

“So you’re doing this for that woman.”

What is “Mukurotoride”? I don’t seem to remember…maybe I never learnt what it was. Update: Apparently a tower in Dead Apple is called Mukurotoride.

Conspiracy time! This book sounds like Kunikida’s Ability…so imagine if it were under Dazai’s nose the entire time…

Fruits Basket 9

I love how the synopsis for this episode goes, “Kyo fights Yuki, Yuki fights a cold…”

Hatsuharu’s wearing such an ostentatious fluffy jacket…LOL, I love it.

Holy cow (LOL), I forgot how old Hatsuharu is…so that means he’s 15-ish, right?

Come to think of it…I see Fruits Basket characters in Ro Te O, which I started writing at about this time in 2013. The Azrael of that time was a hybrid of Hatsuharu, Ritsu and Ayame, Tetsuya is basically Yuki and Ryou is Kyou…hmm.

Apparently, Shigure had in the 2001 anime a song that went like, “High school girls, high school girls, cute high school girls for me.” So that’s where it was??? (Context: I haven’t seen Fruits Basket 2001, but read the entire manga.)

Kimetsu no Yaiba 9

Recap time, recap time…so the lady’s in the back room and Tanjiro conveniently forgets the man is in the basement…? Wuh?

Moya was complaining about how repetitive this show can get when it comes to the script (i.e. it repeats itself because it doesn’t trust its audience, but I think that’s because this is originally serialised on TV week by week that people may forget if they’re not bingeing, taking notes or following the manga). I’ll talk more about that in my KnY collab post, I guess…

When Yushiro said “watch your back”…he really meant it, huh?

Temari are the balls, but kemari is when you kick the balls.

“…the eyeballs on his hands are creepy.” – LOL.

Shield Hero 22

The ep title just says “Hero Council”…not specifically that there are 4 of them.

My stream’s been buffering more than usual, so I went “like mother, like daughter” before Naofumi did…

It would’ve ben massively funny to hear Melty call Malty either “Trash” or “B****”…especially the last one, because that’s always a fun way to end a sentence (especially for a girl as young as her). Update: She does, but the way she does it isn’t as funny as I thought it would be (and she doesn’t end her sentence with her sister’s new name).

Wait, I thought they got rid of her slave pact??? I thought it was only for the duration of her trial that she needed it for.

L’Arc and that lady seem like they’re foreshadowing for later…hmm. Update: The next-episode synopsis says “yes”. So does that new visual.

Sarazanmai 9

I can’t believe this show’s almost over…That means I gotta get a move on with RobiHachi, but to be honest? Non-anime things are probably going to kep me busy until…a few days from now. So I’ll get RobiHachi watched then.

Characetrs are dying en masse in this episode, aren’t they??? I saw a spoiler that (well, SPOILER) Chikai’s gonna die, but I don’t know about Enta or Keppi…Update: To be honest, I thought Chikai was going to become the next monster – a gun monster, perhaps. Maybe now that I’ve finished the episode, he’ll become a real zombie. (Hey, see what I did there with the bolding…? How’s that for hiding spoilers, eh???)

Oh yeah…I forgot Enta’s sister was Kazuki’s teacher…

There was a sign behind Masa that said”Hinode Asakusa” – “hi no de” meaning roughly “under the sun” or “leaving the sun”.

Tokarev…? The gun? Gun monster, maybe? Is this a critique of the American gun…(exaggerated voice) Nah, can’t be…this is Japanese.

Lionel…Lionel…for some reason, that name in relation to soccer seems familiar...I just can’t put my finger on who it reminds me of, though. Update: Is it, perhaps, Messi…? Yes, I think that’s the guy I was thinking of…!

Aw…I’m not crying, you are…But these words were running through my head before Toi chucked the bag of money away and yelled, “F***!”: “Everything I do, I do it for you.” Isn’t that cute…?

Bungou Stray Dogs 34

“…one by one?” Junban means “sequentially”, so I don’t see why you have to use the phrase “one by one”. Or “one at a time” would also work.

Hardbank…to contrast Softbank (a phone company in Japan).

Face-stealing aliens strike again…(re: Atsushi)

Oh flip. This reminds me of my Kunikida fic…yeah, I bet you don’t remember it.

Hey, this dude! Apparently he’s from one of Kunikida’s stories. I really am approaching the end of what I know of canon…*gulp* Update: Oops, we already passed that part…

I wonder if the real Fyodor could play cello…? Or is this just a thing to make him ominous and villanous…?

The cross on the wall behind Kunikida…makes this show more like Eva than Kekkai Sensen…exquisite. Absolutely exquisite, isn’t it?

Another cool cross, behind Tanizaki!

What’s a tatamigatana? Also, I didn’t know other people could be synchronised using Doppo Poet and Ranpo’s deduction…

Does Kouyou mean (by “the one I most despise”)…Chuuya? Or herself? It’s definitely not Ace.

Kimetsu no Yaiba 10

Headpats for Yushiro as well! Headpats for everyone!

There’s a lot of Tanjiro being terrified in this episode…

Wait…Kizuki? I thought they were the 12 Moons? (Well, “tsuki” means “moon”, but then what’s the “ki”?) Update: The “ki” means “demon”, so the Kizuki are the 12 Demon Moons.

Being alone with the body…that’s always a scary thought in murder mysteries…for the people who dissect them to determine the cause of death, that is.

Considering the name of the episode is “Together Forever”…nup, I don’t see Nezuko and Tanjiro separating anytime soon…

The Kasugai crow is what happens when you can’t turn off your Google Assistant…or GPS…or Siri.

If Tanjiro knows the name of his crow, how do the crows get their names? Do their trainers (is that the right term for a crow breeder in this case…?) give them names?

OPM S2 Ep 9 (Ep 21)

LOL, that one shot of the ants…JC Staff really don’t care about this series, do they…?

I kinda forgot about Genos after a bit more than a week…sorry, I was watching other anime in between. (More than usual, at least. I started playing Chibi Tamago – a forum game for AniList where you collect badges for watching anime - that’s why.)

Did he (Pri-Pri Prisoner)…store his phone in his butt…?

#simulcast commentary #Bungou Stray Dogs #one punch man #Sarazanmai #Fruits Basket #kimetsu no yaiba #demon slayer #the rising of the shield hero #Chesarka watches Tate no Yuusha no Nariagari #Chesarka watches BSD #Chesarka watches OPM #Chesarka watches Sarazanmai #Chesarka watches KnY #Chesarka watches Furuba #Tate no Yuusha no Nariagari

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stupid-jeans · 6 years

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fight just a little ch7 (Hannah Rivera/Cassie Conner)

Over on AO3

Notes/Summary: The aftermath of Iran is a little much for Hannah. Thankfully, she knows just who to call.

Thanks for hanging out with us a bit while we frolicked off doing other things haha. There are still two more chapters of this written and not yet posted (not including this one) but we've taken a short break from writing it so updates have slowed down too.

A really big bulk of this chapter is NSFW. There are also a lot of feelings.

Thanks as always to @undercoverwatermoon for the beta, and to the rest of thefab5 ( @chibisere23 @kyrieanne ) for existing and being wonderful.

The biggest thanks, of course, to @icarryyourheart16, for embarking on this and any other crazy project with me, and for being my brain twin, and and and.

It’s less than 48 hours between waking up in Cassie’s arms and listening to Jaz get taken. Hannah’s settled into her job now, she’s settled into her relationship with Cassie, but this she’s not prepared for.

Unlike the team being in Mongolia, Hannah doesn’t have five minutes to take a breath. She barely eats, barely leaves her desk. It’s torture. Nothing like what she imagines Jaz is going through, but, God, it fucks with her head.

When Patricia asks her what she thinks their chances are, she has to be honest--they don’t have one. Jaz is gone. And logistically, it’s not worth risking the rest of the team for a zero percent chance. But being the one to say that makes Hannah feel like almost as much of a monster as Jariff.

Watching the team fight tooth and nail, claw their way from zero percent to something at least in the double digits, is something. Hannah’s been awed by Dalton’s team before. But this is something else entirely.

By the time the team crosses safely into Turkey, it's been almost three days since Hannah’s left the building.

She makes it to the car at least before calling Cassie, who’s left her a handful of messages.

Cassie begins worrying after the first day of no contact from Hannah. It’s not uncommon for either of them to work long hours, but the texts and voicemail she sent are left unanswered.

By the second day, Cassie is so tense she nearly snaps at Jeremy when he offers her a bagel from the cart downstairs. He raises an eyebrow, but takes it in stride, and comes back from lunch to tell her that gossip from those that intermingle with the DIA is minimal, a clear sign that the agency is working on something highly classified. It eases Cassie’s mind slightly, but the worry still gnaws at her stomach. She knows Hannah forgets to eat when work gets intense, and she wonders if she’s getting any rest.

A small ugly voice Cassie is ashamed of tells her Hannah is pulling away, but she brushes it aside almost immediately. This is not that.

It’s day three and Cassie’s left two more voicemails, each of them light and encouraging, because she knows the last thing Hannah needs is to feel guilty. She even went as far as to call Noah, which might have been crossing a bit of a line, but worry has her acting irrationally. The fact that he hasn’t replied tells her whatever is going down at the DIA is most likely not good.

Cassie is worrying her lip reading over her report when her cell phone rings. She’s so on edge she practically dives across her desk to reach it, startling Jeremy, who knocks his mug of herbal tea over onto his desk and lap.

“Jesus Christ Cassie, can you tone it down a notch?” he says as he rights his cup, but his expression is one of concern as he watches her.

Cassie takes a breath to wash all evidence of tension from her voice, and answers.

“Hey baby.”

As soon as Hannah hears Cassie’s voice, she breaks. The stress, the horror, the helplessness, the memories all come cascading down on her at once and suddenly, Hannah can't stop sobbing. She can't speak or move or offer Cassie any sort of explanation. It's been a long, long time since she's cried, let alone with an audience, but Cassie is safe. Cassie is her safe. And she's never been more sure of that than she is right now.

Cassie’s heart lodges in her throat, and she’s halfway to the elevator, murmuring soothing words to Hannah before she stops, realizing she forgot her keys. Cursing, she spins around, nearly bowling over Jeremy who holds her keys and purse.

He lets out a grunt as she launches into his arms, giving him a grateful hug before she rushes into the elevator. She keeps her voice steady for Hannah’s sake, but her heart breaks with each sob.

“Hannah, love, I’m coming to get you okay, can you tell me where you are?”

Hannah manages something that is at least partially distinguishable as ‘work’, focusing on Cassie's voice, on the idea that she's safe and loved and that, no matter how painful the memories are, they're in the past and can't hurt her. Cassie is coming to get her and everything’s going to be okay. She’ll fall asleep wrapped in Cassie's arms, listening to her heartbeat, and that's all that matters.

Slowly, the tears stop and she manages to catch her breath, but if she was exhausted before, she's totally drained now and she can barely move, let alone drive. So she listens to Cassie instead, sniffling and wiping occasionally at her tear-stained cheeks until Cassie’s car pulls up beside hers. Hannah's never been so grateful for anything in her life.

Cassie’s heart kicks up slightly as she spots Hannah in her car, but by the time she gets out and opens Hannah’s door she’s calm and her voice is low.

“Hey baby, let’s go home okay.” Cassie murmurs, wiping at the tears on Hannah’s cheeks and kissing her softly on the forehead.

She reaches into the car and slides her arms around Hannah to just hold her for a moment.

“I’ve got you.”

Hannah slumps into Cassie, clinging to her, though it takes a good deal of effort to make her limbs work.

“You're here,” she whispers, almost delirious. “I'm sorry I didn't call sooner…”

“Shh…” Cassie soothes, swallowing hard at how easily Hannah leans into her, and strokes soothingly down her back. “It doesn’t matter.”

She leans over to take Hannah’s keys out of the ignition and leads Hannah to her own car, where she settles her before jogging back to grab Hannah’s purse. Cassie holds Hannah’s hand as she pulls out of the parking lot, stroking her thumb lightly over her fingers. Her phone rings and she almost dismisses it, but it’s her boss and she winces as she answers, pulling over.

“Miss Conner, Jeremy informed me you had a personal emergency. I wanted to check in.”

Cassie glances at Hannah.

“Yes, sir. I will need to take the rest of the day.”

There’s a slight pause on the other line.

“Very well, next time I would appreciate some notice, but take the time you need. I can extend the deadline on your reports.”

“No need sir, I already finished them.” Using work to distract herself meant Cassie was at least two weeks ahead of her deadlines.

“Thank you for your commitment Miss Conner. Best wishes to you.”

Cassie thanks him and pulls onto the road again.

They make it to her apartment in decent time, and she takes Hannah directly to her bedroom where she guides her to the bed. She looks beyond exhausted.

“Don't leave,” Hannah mumbles, reaching out for Cassie despite already being half-asleep. She's so far gone, she already knows she won't remember this later. Typically, that would make her nervous, but she trusts Cassie. The knowledge settles her and Hannah falls asleep, safely tucked into Cassie’s bed, knowing things will feel a little less overwhelming when she wakes up. This time, she doesn't have to do it alone.

Cassie holds Hannah until she’s asleep, and then sits with her for a moment longer, cheek pressed to her hair. Her fingers stroke absently down her arm and she pulls the throw more securely over Hannah’s shoulders, kissing her gently on the cheek before sliding off the bed to grab her laptop.

She works silently beside her, keeping watch in case she wakes up.

Hannah sleeps until the winter sun is halfway below the horizon. She blinks her eyes open blearily to find Cassie beside her and some of her confusion vanishes.

“Hi,” she whispers, her voice raspy. Her mouth is dry and she's in desperate need of food and a shower, but it can wait a minute. She reaches out to trace her fingers along Cassie’s thigh.

Cassie glances at Hannah and hits send on the food order she’d placed to be delivered as soon as possible after Hannah woke. No need to make things worse by attempting to cook for her.

She covers Hannah’s hand with her own and leans down to kiss her gently.

“Hey baby, how are you feeling?”

“Like I got hit by a truck,” Hannah answers honestly, stretching out gingerly with a groan. “Thank you for coming. I don't know what I would've done.”

Sitting up, Hannah rubs her hands over her face, still groggy.

“Jaz was…” She pauses and shakes her head. “You know what? After a shower and some food. Was work mad you left?”

Cassie reaches back to grab the water bottle she’d kept on her end table for Hannah and hands it to her.

She pushes her laptop to the side and embraces Hannah, pressing a kiss to her shoulder.

“Nah, I’m already ahead of deadline, the boss is easy enough to keep happy.” She releases Hannah and cups her cheek.

“You’re more important than work, anyway,” she says stroking away the strands of hair sticking to Hannah’s forehead.

“Are you going soft on me, Conner?” Hannah teases affectionately, leaning into Cassie’s touch with a smile. The way Cassie looks at her is different, she realizes, and Hannah has no idea when that happened. Maybe around the same time that Hannah reached the conclusion that seeking comfort for the shadows of her past didn’t make her weak--that letting someone in to this part of herself made her stronger.

Cassie laughs, because it dawns on her that’s exactly what’s happened, and she’s surprised that somehow it makes her feel steadier than she’s ever felt.

“That’s classified,” she says with grin, and she presses a kiss to Hannah’s forehead again before sliding off the bed and handing her a pair of pajamas she’s noticed Hannah favors.

“Why don’t you take a shower. I’ve got food on the way, and ice cream in my fridge,” Cassie says, and she stands in the doorway smiling gently at Hannah. “I love you.”

Hannah feels a little like swooning. She’s suddenly entirely overwhelmed with affection for this amazing woman who has chosen to love her.

“Have I told you lately that you’re perfect?” she asks, getting to her feet, holding the pajamas to her chest. “Because you are. I love you, too, Cassie.”

She commits the sight to memory. It’s simple enough, just Cassie standing in the doorway, looking back at her, but Hannah thinks, if she somehow ended up bleeding out on the side of the road again tomorrow, this is the memory she’d hold onto: the one of Cassie loving her.

Before her emotions can get the better of her, Hannah ducks into the bathroom and focuses on making herself marginally more human. If not for her stomach demanding food (so much so that her hands are shaking when she reaches for the shampoo), Hannah might’ve lingered under the hot spray. But she wants to eat and she wants to be near Cassie, and both of those things mean her shower is fast.

When she finds Cassie in the living room, the food has arrived and Hannah stuffs three garlic knots in her mouth before saying a word.

Cassie loads more food into Hannah’s plate and scoots her chair closer so her thigh presses against Hannah’s. The physical closeness centers her, and she sits silently beside her, tracing absent circles against Hannah’s hip with her thumb.

The silence is comforting, and Cassie expects after three days without so much as a break, Hannah must be mentally exhausted.

Eating helps and Hannah’s mind feels a little clearer. She tips her head against Cassie’s shoulder, lightly kissing her neck between bites.

“Do you want me to talk about it?” she asks finally, not because it’s been gnawing at her, but because now she feels like she can. “Because I know...I mean, we don’t have to. I have a therapist. I pay her for something.”

“No, baby. I want to listen, but I didn’t want to push you,” Cassie explains, realizing her patience hadn’t exactly granted Hannah the space to speak.

“What happened? I was so worried for you.”

Hannah draws a breath and sips her water, searching for the right words before realizing there is no such thing.

“Jaz was captured. In Iran. She was taken by Special Forces after killing a terrorist. I didn't think she was coming back. None of us did.” Automatically, Hannah strokes the scars on her neck, remembering how they’d burned. “They tortured her and all I could think about was Sonora and how close I came to not coming home.”

Cassie watches as Hannah touches the marred skin and hugs her a little closer. She aches for Hannah, because she’s all too familiar with past horrors springing up unexpectedly.

“God baby that’s terrible. I’m so sorry you had to face that,” Cassie murmurs. “How are you feeling now?”

“There was nothing I could do...then or now. And I hate that. Most days, I feel...superhuman. Like what we’re doing makes us unstoppable, you know?” Hannah asks. “Today worked out, but sometimes it doesn’t and...that’s just a lot scarier than it used to be.”

Now you have something to lose, the voice in her head provides helpfully, and all the reasons why Thea walked away suddenly make so much more sense.

Cassie understands that, and the oily sense of panic that comes with it. “I know,” she murmurs, stroking Hannah’s back.

“We controlled our entire world, or thought we did,” she says, “knowing that you can’t is hard to accept.” Although she speaks it to Hannah, Cassie realizes maybe it’s something she needed to hear as well.

“You’re incredible,” Cassie says, brushing a kiss over Hannah’s cheek, “because you know, and you get up and do it anyway.”

Hannah relaxes at that. The ache in her chest is an old one, a memory more than anything else, and it’ll fade.

“I couldn't imagine doing anything else,” she admits. “We aren't really made for civilian life, you know? But I like this version, the one where I get to come home to you.”

Cassie thinks of the application sitting in her file at work, and a deadline that is two days away. She thinks of how she misses Hannah if work keeps them apart for more than a few days, and how fieldwork would keep her away for weeks, if not months.

“Coming home to you is the best part of my day,” Cassie murmurs as she runs her fingers absently through Hannah’s drying hair.

“I am pretty amazing,” Hannah teases, picking up another piece of pizza and taking a bite without moving. “How’re you doing? Work going okay?” It’s only been a few days but it feels like so much longer.

“Glad you know it,” she replies with quick grin.

“Work is work,” Cassie shrugs. “It’s easy enough to get through the day. Our field unit goes dark for weeks at a time, so it’s a lot of paperwork, but I get through it quickly enough.” She pauses with a frown.

“I feel like I’m just… waiting. I don’t know what for,” she admits.

“You talk to the shrink again?” Hannah wonders. “Adjusting to desk life is tough. It takes a little while to get used to.”

She wonders, suddenly, if maybe Cassie doesn’t want to get used to it, if she’s just biding her time. And Hannah remembers every conversation she’s had with her own therapist about the importance of communication and not just assuming people are on the same page, but this feels a lot different than talking about whether or not they were going to sleep together.

“Hmm, no, I rescheduled.” Cassie says. “We had an unexpected contact from the field team and the whole office was scrambling.” It’s a bit of an excuse, and guilt niggles at her.

“I’ll get used to it,” Cassie says with a smile, trying to shake off the strange mood that grips her.

Hannah wants to call Cassie out, but there’s a fear there, now. If she pushes and Cassie snaps and tells her she’s still planning on going back to the field, that this is all just temporary, Hannah’s pretty sure it’ll break her. Especially tonight.

“Yeah,” she says instead, sitting up under the guise of reaching for her drink. “You will.”

The room feels cold now, and Hannah shivers without Cassie’s warmth.

Cassie senses the shift immediately. Anger at herself flares and mingles with the fear that she’s messing things up, and that curls in with the guilt, because she’s supposed to be here for Hannah, and instead she’s dredging up some unwanted thing.

She pushes her mostly untouched food away, and almost leans over to give Hannah a peck, but guilt has her pausing and drawing away.

“I’m gonna jump in the shower,” she says.

“Okay,” Hannah replies, her mind already shifting into work mode, into pushing away her emotions to be dealt with later and erecting a wall of numbness instead. She gets up before Cassie does and starts to gather the food to clean up. Part of her wants to go home, but there’s a larger part of her that reminds her of her own promise not to let Cassie push her away. “Hey.” She pauses in the kitchen doorway, glancing at Cassie over her shoulder. “I love you.” The words take work, now, but she thinks that’s kind of the point. There’s fear gnawing at her, but pushing Cassie away won’t magically make that better.

“I love you too,” Cassie replies, and she has to turn quickly because tears form in her eyes, and she doesn’t know why her damn mind is such a mess. There’s a strange sense of relief that comes with Hannah’s words, and Cassie realizes with a sinking feeling that without meaning to, a part of her has been waiting for things to fall apart, like being happy just isn’t in the cards for her.

Cassie fights the urge panic, to throw her guard up, because as much as she wants to run from this thing that scares her, she wants to hold on more.

The water is almost too hot, but Cassie stands under the spray anyway, letting the slight pain pull away some of the emotional turmoil.

Hannah straightens up, and it helps to clear her mind a bit. She manages to reel herself back in, to remind herself that there are more pieces at play here than she’s considering. Besides, they haven’t even talked about anything. They’ll cross that bridge when they get to it. In the meantime, Cassie had just come to rescue her and then spent the last day taking care of her, and that’s real and true and tangible. It’s enough.

Making a plate up for Cassie, because she hadn’t eaten more than a few bites, Hannah takes it to the bedroom and settles in to wait for Cassie to emerge from the shower. It’s her turn to do a little damage control for once.

Cassie’s head is somewhat clearer when she steps out of the shower, and she stands in the steamy room for a second to collect herself. She owes Hannah honesty, and as much of her trust as she’s capable of giving. The thought unsettles her, because she’s afraid, but she wants to have faith in Hannah, in them.

Cassie is determined to fix this latest snag, and she strides purposely out of the bathroom, only to falter when she sees Hannah on her bed. Her plan to take charge vanishes as she stares at Hannah, and she’s filled with both a fierce love, and the fear that she’s going to do something wrong, ruin this somehow.

“Come here, beautiful,” Hannah murmurs, watching Cassie’s entire posture shift. “You’ve done such a good job taking care of me. You’re incredible and I love you so much. We...have some work to do, still. And that’s honestly kind of terrifying. But it’s a lot easier if we do it together, hm?”

Cassie closes her eyes on a sigh and walks into Hannah’s arms, pressing her face into Hannah’s shoulder as she wraps her arms tightly around her. Having someone fight for her is new, and it completely undoes her.

“I’m sorry. You just went through something so rough, and I made it worse.”

“Hey, no. You didn’t. You’re not responsible for what’s going on in my head, okay?” Hannah murmurs, holding Cassie close and stroking her hair. “The only way we know what’s going on for sure is to talk about it. So we will. But not tonight, hm? Too important to do that when we’re both a little rattled. But I love you, Cassie, and I’m not going anywhere.”

Cassie weaves those words into her memory.

“I don’t deserve you,” Cassie says, and lifts her head from Hannah’s shoulder to look at her. “I know I can be a damn mess sometimes, but I trust you, more than anyone. You’re the only person who’s stayed and-” she pauses, because that particular wound is too much for tonight, “You matter so much, I just want you to know, for when I get stupid.”

Hannah lets go of Cassie so she can cradle her face instead, holding her steady to stop her from looking away.

“You deserve to be happy. Period. You deserve someone who stays, someone who fights for you. The mess...happens. That’s life. We both know I’m kind of an expert at messes. So we’ll both fuck up. But we won’t run away. Deal?”

“Deal,” Cassie murmurs, and her smile softens as doubt fades away. She leans in to kiss Hannah, slow and soft, before drawing back.

“You need to eat,” Hannah coaxes, dropping her hands to squeeze lightly at Cassie’s wrists. “And then all I want is to curl up right here with you and kiss you for a while. Okay?”

“Mmmm, dream girl,” Cassie says, and she nudges Hannah further onto the bed so she can lean back on the headboard and nibble on the food Hannah brought her. It makes her feel both vulnerable, and safe, to be cared for, and she leans her head on Hannah’s shoulder.

Cassie takes a while to filter through the worry in her head before she speaks.

“When you spoke to the shrink, did you tell him everything? The dreams, stuff that could make it seem like you might not be fit for the job?”

Hannah nuzzles Cassie’s hair, pressing a kiss to the top of her head, enjoying the closeness again.

“Everything is a lot,” she says. “It took a long time for me to build a good relationship with my therapist. The department shrink? I...was honest with him. If there were things I didn’t want to talk about, I told him that. Sometimes he pushed, sometimes he let it go. But it’s like I told you: he’s not looking for you to be okay. None of us are really okay, you know? I don’t think you can kill people, or watch them die, and be okay. I don’t think you can willingly put yourself in harm’s way and go home without scars. He’s just...looking to make sure you know that, that you’re honest about not being okay.”

Cassie lets that settle in as she curls against Hannah, wrapping her arms loosely around her.

“I convinced myself for so long that I was immune to all of that,” Cassie says. “I’d rather look down the barrel of a gun than admit I’m not okay,” she adds with a laugh.

“I think that might be scarier than buying a couch”.

“It’s way scarier,” Hannah agrees, resting her forehead against Cassie’s as her thumb sweeps over her hip. “But you’re brave and strong and it gets easier with practice, I promise. Just remember, he’s not trying to trick you. This isn’t some test.”

Cassie lets out a breath and shakes her head. “Sometimes I think you may actually be able to read my mind,” she says, leaning up to kiss Hannah’s jaw.

Hannah’s eyes flutter shut and she sighs softly, slipping her fingers tenderly into Cassie’s hair. “Mmm, no mind reading. I’m just a trained spy, remember? And, you know, I’ve been there.”

Cassie shifts to crawl into Hannah’s lap, stroking her fingers softly down the side of Hannah’s neck before kissing her again.

“You have,” she says, sitting back to look at her.

Hannah’s breath goes a little unsteady at Cassie’s touch, but it's from warmth and not from fear.

“So I see you, baby,” she whispers, holding Cassie’s gaze, smoothing her hands over the other girl’s hips, just to touch her.

Cassie smiles tenderly at Hannah and slides off her lap to pillow her head on her shoulder. Partly to hide the moisture in her eyes, and partly to be closer to Hannah. To be known, and to be loved anyway is something new for her.

“And don’t worry,” Hannah murmurs, shifting to wrap her arms around Cassie. “I won’t tell anyone the most badass agent the Agency has is actually a giant softie.” She trails kisses along Cassie’s cheek, slow and gentle. “Kinda like keeping this particular secret to myself.”

Cassie laughs and tilts her head up to kiss Hannah.

“You better keep my secrets Rivera,” she murmurs. Her hands come up to cradle Hannah’s face, and she leans into her, embracing the softness of Hannah against her.

“Every single one of them,” Hannah vows, leaning into Cassie’s touch, kissing her again, sweet and lingering as her fingers fan over Cassie’s jaw and then trail almost reverently down her neck.

Cassie’s eyes flutter closed as Hannah’s touch sends pleasure shivering over her skin.

“Come here,” she murmurs, tugging Hannah down so they’re cuddled under the covers, her legs intertwining with Hannah’s as she presses a gentle kiss to her temple.

“I’m so glad I have you.”

“Says the woman who just rescued me from the parking garage in the middle of a breakdown,” Hannah laughs softly, her fingers curling under the hem of Cassie's shirt, automatically seeking her warmth. “God, I love touching you.”

Cassie wiggles closer to Hannah so she can nibble at her neck.

“I have to agree,” she says, sliding her hands under Hannah’s shirt to smooth over her belly and span over her waist. “Your skin is like silk,” she buries her face in Hannah’s neck “and you always manage to smell fucking amazing.”

“Well, right now I smell like you, so I'll agree with that,” Hannah murmurs distractedly, shivering under the warmth of Cassie’s hands. Her own slip higher, fingertips tracing up Cassie’s spine as her head tips in encouragement.

Cassie hums against Hannah’s skin as she feels the other woman shiver against her. She loves the way Hannah responds to her touch, shivers and sighs at the lightest touch, and she smooths her hands firmly against her skin, tracing the tip of her tongue along her neck. Knowing she can make Hannah respond like that fuels her own need.

“Cassie,” Hannah breathes, arching a little, heat skittering under her skin to settle low in her stomach. It's such a simple thing, but knowing now what Cassie feels like, how she sounds, makes everything feel like so much <i>more</i>. Her hands glide higher, nails dragging carefully over the contours of Cassie’s shoulders, mapping the now-familiar territory. “Baby, I love your mouth.”

Cassie feathers her fingers over Hannah’s neck as she licks and nibbles at the skin there. The press of Hannah’s body against her heats her own skin, and she pulls Hannah’s hips closer to slot against her own.

A soft, needy sound escapes Hannah’s throat and she can't resist the impulse to shift against Cassie. Her hands dip, following the slope of Cassie’s back to tease at the base of her spine, slipping just barely under the waistband of her sweats.

“I love how you sound, just like this,” Cassie murmurs, as her hand slips under Hannah’s shirt to smooth her thumb along Hannah’s ribs just under her breast. She presses open mouthed kisses to the spot on Hannah’s neck that she knows always elicits a response.

Hannah feels herself flush even as she arches into Cassie, another less quiet moan spilling past her lips. One hand abandons Cassie's waist to cradle her head instead, fingers twining through Cassie’s hair.

“God.” She moves again, angling against Cassie’s hip, need pooling fast and low.

Cassie’s hands are slightly rougher as Hannah’s moans send heat crackling over her skin. She palms her breast, pressing a thumb over the peaked nipple as she bites lightly at Hannah’s pulse point, catching the skin gently between her teeth, careful not to leave a mark.

“Baby,” she breathes, yanking Hannah’s thigh up over her hip and arching into the heat there.

It's not until Hannah slides her hand over Cassie’s ass to tug her hungrily closer that she realizes she's already shaking. She tugs just a little at Cassie’s hair, shifting restlessly, the friction and Cassie’s teasing drawing an almost constant stream of breathless, desperate sounds from her lips.

“Please,” she gasps, not even sure what it is she's begging for. She just wants more--of this, of Cassie.

Cassie groans as Hannah moves desperately against her, the heat and want steals her breath, and she flips them over, desperate with need. Her knee slides between Hannah’s legs and she grinds against her as her mouth drops to her neck and her hands move to pin Hannah’s wrists to the mattress.

“Fuck, baby,” she moans, bending down to lick over her collarbone.

The sudden shift is exactly what Hannah needs, even as she struggles against Cassie’s hold, testing. She arches against the welcome pressure of Cassie against her, and the shuddering burst of pleasure it sends through her is instant. Her head drops back as her eyes close, and Hannah can barely find enough air to make a sound. Cassie hasn't even touched her and she's already on edge. Were it anyone but Cassie, Hannah might've been a little embarrassed, but right now, she doesn't particularly care.

“No,” Cassie says simply, giving Hannah’s wrists a squeeze before her teeth scrape lightly over the thin skin across Hannah’s collarbone. She moves to her neck again, nibbling at the spot under Hannah’s ear.

“I want to undo you, just like this,” she whispers against her skin, and her breath hitches as she moves against Hannah, desperate for more of her.

“Jesus, Cassie,” Hannah moans. She rocks more insistently against the other woman's thigh, the sound of Cassie's breathing, the feel of her, dragging her to the edge, holding her there for what feels like an agonizing eternity. “God, baby, tell me please…” She doesn't make a habit of begging for permission, but there's something about Cassie in control like this.

Cassie feels the telltale tingles across her skin as Hannah moves against her, desperate and begging. Cassie’s breathless in her own pleasure, but she brushes her lips against Hannah’s neck and leans in to whisper in her ear.

“I want you to come for me baby.”

The pleasure coiled in Hannah’s stomach snaps and she breaks, bowing under the weight of Cassie, breathing her name. Heat courses through her in waves, leaving her boneless and shivering as she struggles to catch her breath. “Fuck, baby…”

Cassie throws her head back and moves against Hannah, her own release not far behind. The pressure builds and releases in a wave of hot pleasure that has her shuddering and moaning before she collapses weakly beside Hannah.

“Jesus.” she manages, pressing her lips clumsily to Hannah’s temple.

“Mmmm, now I need another shower,” Hannah says, giggling as she reaches for Cassie’s hand, lacing their fingers together. “I like you bossy.”

Cassie brings their joined hands to her mouth and brushes her lips across the top of Hannah’s hands.

“Hmmm, you do huh? I can keep being bossy.” Cassie murmurs playfully, using her free hand to stroke Hannah’s hair gently back from her forehead.

“Since we both need a shower and all…” Cassie tugs Hannah up.

“Don’t get too excited. I seem to recall you liking me bossy, too,” Hannah teases, letting Cassie lead her into the bathroom. She’s already dropped her shirt on the floor before she thinks about how easy it was to do it. Cassie’s standing right there, the light is on, and now Hannah’s scars are on full display. The panic and the dread don’t come, the disgust doesn’t come, either. Instead, there’s only relief and maybe a little pride. It leaves her standing there, a little dumbfounded.

“Oh, you mean when you nearly killed me? Yeah I vaguely recall that being spectacular,” Cassie retorts with a grin. She notes Hannah’s slight pause and understands immediately. Her smile gentles as she steps back to her to take both her hands.

“You’re so damn beautiful it takes my breath away,” she murmurs.

“You’re something else, you know,” Hannah muses, tracing Cassie’s cheek tenderly. “How you make me feel is...God, I don’t even know. Amazing? Miraculous?” She’s still not sure what to do with all of it, how to make space for this part of herself, but she’s trying.

Cassie flushes with pleasure and leans into Hannah’s touch. “I love you baby. I know people aren’t supposed to save people, but I think you saved me just a little bit,” she confesses before stepping back to turn the knob on the shower.

“I think there’s been some mutual saving going on.” Hannah watches Cassie a minute before shimmying out of her pants, too, and then the reality of Cassie naked and wet against her in the shower catches up to her and Hannah has to remind herself to breathe. She shivers in the cold air and reaches for Cassie’s shirt again. “Someone’s wearing way too many clothes…”

Enjoying her, Cassie blinks innocently and raises her hands above her head.

“Oh no, if only there was something we could do about that,” she says, grinning, as her eyes rove hungrily over Hannah.

“Obedient, yet sassy,” Hannah observes with a playfully arched brow. “See, now I don’t know which one I like better...Good thing I don’t have to choose.” She tugs Cassie’s shirt over her head and wastes no time in drawing Cassie close, savoring the soft heat of skin on skin. “That’s better…”

Cassie chuckles and slips out of her sweatpants, making sure to wiggle suggestively against Hannah in the process.

“You’re right, much better.” She kisses Hannah, fierce and needy, before drawing back.

“You're a tease, Conner,” Hannah purrs, nudging Cassie toward the now-steaming shower. “That's not a complaint, to clarify.”

Cassie pulls Hannah along with her as she steps into the spray. The water slicks over both of them, and Cassie skims her hands over Hannah’s hips.

“Hmmm, I like you wet and slippery,” Cassie says, and then leans in, her voice low and purposefully playful. “I mean that both ways.”

For all of the teasing, Hannah's not quite ready for the feel of Cassie against her like this. Whatever saucy response she might've found a minute ago is promptly lost to the way Cassie’s skin slides against hers, frictionless and hot. An undignified whimper escapes before she can stop it and Hannah finds herself blushing just a little.

Cassie’s skin flushes with heat at the soft sound Hannah makes, and she kisses the touch of pink that appears on her cheeks. The dichotomy between the woman who could kill a person 13 different ways, and the one who blushes in front of her, causes a well of tenderness to swell in her chest.

“God baby, I just adore you so much.”

Hannah laughs softly, covering her face.

“I’m glad. I’m kind of smitten, in case you couldn’t tell,” she murmurs, sliding her arms around Cassie’s waist. “For the record, I like you wet, too.”

Cassie smiles and nips at Hannah’s bottom lip.There’s a bottle of lavender scented shower gel that she squeezes out on her hands before massaging it slowly over Hannah’s neck and shoulders.

“Hmmm, tell me more gorgeous,” she teases.

Melting under Cassie’s hands, Hannah hums.

“I just love knowing I can do that to you. I love how you feel under my fingers, how incredible you taste.” She smooths her hands up Cassie’s sides and then over her breasts, savoring the soft slickness. “And God, how you sound.”

Cassie’s eyes glaze over as Hannah’s hands smooth over her skin, and she has to shake her head slightly to clear it as it goes hazy with desire.

“Hannah,” Cassie breathes, pressing a soft kiss to her lips as her hands roam over Hannah’s water slick skin.

“Just like that,” Hannah purrs, shivering even as she teases over Cassie’s nipples. “Just hearing you say my name makes me ache for you. Not just anyone can make me come without touching me.”

Cassie’s breath thickens as she leans in to kiss Hannah again.

“I love touching you, knowing I can,” she murmurs, her legs going weak at the slight teasing.

“You can do whatever you want to me,” Hannah says, realizing how true that is. The trust and love she feels for Cassie isn’t anything she ever expected to feel. Her tongue teases over Cassie’s lips, dipping between them and then retreating again as her fingers continue their exploration.

Cassie recognizes the trust, and it touches her heart as she kisses Hannah. She lingers on Hannah’s lips, savoring the taste of her, and the soft sounds she makes. Hannah’s light touch has her craving more of her, and she steps behind her, taking a second to press her cheek to Hannah’s shoulder before moving both hands up to cup her breasts. Cassie leans into Hannah, cradling her close as she massages her breasts gently, teasing the stiffened peaks with her fingers.

Hannah shudders, a soft breathy moan slipping past her lips. Somehow, having Cassie at her back, though it means she’s not looking at the scars, feels incredibly intimate, and Hannah’s heart races. Needing more of an anchor, she reaches back for Cassie, her palms slicking easily over the outsides of her thighs, aided by the water pouring over them. The angle of her shoulders has her chest pressing further into Cassie’s teasing fingers, and she can feel herself growing instantly wetter.

Cassie continues the gentle teasing, dropping her head to kiss Hannah’s shoulder. She can feel Hannah’s breath coming faster, and she increases the pressure slightly, using her thumbs firmly over Hannah’s nipples.

“Baby,” Hannah breathes, tipping her head back against Cassie’s shoulder. “You’re killing me.” She rakes her nails carefully up Cassie’s thighs and over her hips, pressing her ass back, addicted to the way Cassie feels against her. “But you know that, don’t you? You know exactly what you do to me.”

One of Cassie’s hands drops to Hannah’s hip, and grips tightly there in an attempt to steady herself as Hannah’s touch sends heat shivering along her skin.

“I can’t stop touching you,” Cassie murmurs, relishing in the feel of Hannah soft and pliant against her. She squeezes lightly at Hannah’s nipple while her other hand strokes softly on her belly, her fingers dipping and teasing lower, inches from where she knows Hannah wants her.

“God.” Hannah grips Cassie’s wrist to steady herself, tipping her head to nuzzle Cassie’s cheek. “Please, baby...I need you.” She’s already breathless and dizzy just from this. Everything about Cassie touching her is still novel and Hannah’s already sensitive enough.

Cassie moves her hand lower, tracing her fingers lightly over Hannah for a moment before moving away again. She grips her hips lightly, nudging her foot along Hannah’s instep, urging her to spread her legs as she works her hands over her breasts.

“What do you need?”

Hannah whines a little pathetically, fighting the urge to grab Cassie's hand and tug it between her thighs.

“Touch me,” she pleads. “I need your fingers, need you inside me.”

Her earlier orgasm had done nothing but stoke the heat pooling low in her belly.

“You should feel how wet you're making me.”

Hannah’s words fuel the heat inside her, and Cassie slides her hand down between Hannah’s legs, stroking her fingers lightly over her.

“God baby,” Cassie murmurs as she slips her fingers inside Hannah, pressing the heel of her hand against her as she moves inside her in a torturously slow rhythm.

The welcome pressure draws a gasp and a shudder, until Hannah registers that Cassie has no real intention of giving her what she wants just yet.

Her fingers slip around Cassie's wrist before her nails rake up her arm, a soft whine echoing in the confines of the shower.

“I love when you tease me,” she admits in a trembling whisper.

“Yeah?” Cassie asks, her breath thickening. Wetness seeps between her legs at the thought of Hannah desperate under her touch. She stills her hand, withdrawing her fingers slowly, brushing around the sensitive nub as she turns Hannah to face her. Cassie stares at Hannah’s flushed face, eyes dark with desire, and kisses her again, pressing her up against the cool shower wall.

The tile against her heated skin has Hannah hissing and arching and slipping her tongue past Cassie’s lips. Her palms skim over Cassie’s curves, over her hips and her stomach and her breasts, which only spurs her need.

“Fuck, baby.” Her hips roll into Cassie, seeking more friction and pressure. She knows from how Cassie sounds, how she's breathing, exactly what this is doing to her too, and her mouth waters at the thought of tasting her, at making her come on her tongue.

Cassie trails her fingers feather light over Hannah’s water slick skin as she arches against her. Hannah’s tongue drives her wild, and for a moment Cassie forgets the intention to tease and draw out Hannah’s pleasure until she’s shivering under her touch. Her fingers dig into Hannah’s ass as she bows up, reveling in the feel of Hannah’s softness against her.

“You’re gonna be the death of me,” Cassie murmurs a little breathlessly, gentling her fingers and skimming them up Hannah’s sides as her mouth comes to the spot under her jaw.

Hannah moans, tipping her head back, palming Cassie’s breast almost distractedly, teasing at the nipple with her thumb. Her knee slots between Cassie’s thighs, pressing up against her.

“Fuck,” she breathes. “You’re soaked.”

A gasp catches in her throat as she rocks against Hannah’s thigh, pleasure jolting into her system. She’s blind with desire for a moment, moving mindlessly, her lips skimming clumsily along Hannah’s neck as she arches her breast into Hannah’s hand.

“That’s all you baby,” Cassie says, a shaky moan slipping from her lips.

With unsteady fingers, Hannah slips between her thigh and Cassie, stroking against her a couple times before withdrawing, bringing her hand to her mouth to suck the wetness from her skin with a low groan.

“God, I love tasting you,” she says, ghosting her lips over Cassie’s as she speaks.

Cassie let’s out a pathetic sound at the loss of Hannah’s touch, and she grabs a fistful of Hannah’s hair before crushing her mouth to hers. The taste of her lingers on Hannah’s tongue.

“I can’t stop wanting you,” Cassie murmurs, biting lightly at Hannah’s bottom lip before easing her back and bringing her fingers between Hannah’s thighs, using slow firm strokes, as her mouth drops to her breast.

“Good,” Hannah chokes out, shifting against Cassie’s fingers, arching further into the wet heat of her mouth.

The coil of need in her stomach winds tighter until she's shaking between Cassie’s body and the wall. Her hands grip blindly at Cassie’s shoulders and some small, coherent part of her brain is aware she's leaving marks behind, but in her want, she can't bring herself to care.

“So close…”

Cassie eases her hand away, and lifts her mouth from Hannah’s breast as a coy smile curves her lips.

“You like being teased,” Cassie murmurs, skimming her lips along Hannah’s temple as she presses her hands to Hannah’s hips, pinning her firmly against the wall. Her own need makes her a little impatient, a little rough, but she bites back on it, as she kisses her way softly down Hannah’s body, grinning against her skin at each tremor.

“Jesus, Cassie,” Hannah moans, whining as she fights against Cassie’s hold on her, knowing it's fruitless. “Baby, please…”

She cards her fingers through Cassie’s water-slicked hair.

“I’ll give you anything you want,” Cassie says, as she keeps one hand anchoring Hannah’s hip to the wall and uses the other to slide her fingers inside of her. Her mouth lowers over Hannah and she laps softly at her.

“Just maybe not right away,” she whispers, slipping her fingers out of her, and kissing her softly right at her center.

“Fuck.” Hannah tips her head back against the wall and carefully shifts her weight to drape her leg over Cassie’s shoulder, opening herself further to the torture of Cassie’s mouth and her fingers. “I meant what I said, you can do what you want.”

She looks down, meeting Cassie’s darkened eyes, the sight stealing her breath.

Cassie shifts closer, easing Hannah open as she does, using her tongue to trace gently over her.

“I love the taste of you,” Cassie says, edging higher to take on some of Hannah’s weight as a hand comes to her thigh, anchoring her.

She slides her fingers back inside her, moving them as she watches Hannah’s face.

“Your mouth is incredible,” Hannah whispers, raspy and low. “I think about it all the time.”

She tightens purposefully around Cassie's fingers, tilting her hips slightly to take her deeper. The slight change in angle makes her shudder almost violently and Hannah exhales sharply as her fingers tug gently at Cassie’s hair.

“Take what you need from me baby,” Cassie breathes, kissing along the skin of her belly before covering Hannah with her mouth again, increasing the thrust of her fingers. Her hand releases Hannah’s hip to press lightly on her belly, stroking the skin there.

“Oh my God,” Hannah breathes, slowly rolling her hips, countering the steady, deep press of Cassie against her, inside her.

For the slow build of her pleasure, Hannah breaks remarkably fast, crying out, Cassie's name mingling with half curses and wordless whimpers until everything ebbs, leaving her shivering and panting, boneless and sated.

Cassie slips Hannah’s leg from her shoulder and stands, holding her lightly against her as she strokes along her hair and down her back.

“You’re so damn perfect,” she murmurs, her lips skimming over Hannah’s.

It takes a minute for Hannah to find her words. Everything’s still a little hazy and all she can do is kiss Cassie back and let her hands roam.

“Perfect’s a stretch,” she whispers finally. “You’re just really, really good at that.” When she tries to straighten up a bit, Hannah finds her knees are still a little wobbly, so she settles again. “Maybe too good. Not that your ego needs much stroking.”

Cassie grins, not bothering to hide the edge of cockiness as she holds Hannah a little more solidly against her.

“I have been known to make a few ladies weak at the knees,” she says playfully, but her gaze goes soft when she looks at Hannah.

“I think you might be the only woman who makes me go weak at the knees,” she confesses.

“Better be,” Hannah murmurs affectionately, cradling Cassie’s cheek. “Kinda hoping you’re all mine.”

It’s been years since she’s worried about losing someone. A small flash of fear threatens to lodge itself in her chest but she pushes it away. It’s in her head. Cassie is here and looking at her like that and it’s enough.

Cassie leans into her touch, keeping her gaze steady on Hannah.

“No one else could even come close, you’re my whole heart,” she says. She tugs Hannah away from the wall, warming her under the spray as she kisses her again.

The dread recedes entirely at that and Hannah relaxes again, coaxing Cassie’s lips apart with the tip of her tongue, barely teasing between them as her hands slide down Cassie’s back.

“I love you,” she whispers against her mouth. “So damn much.”

“I love you too,” Cassie murmurs, closing her eyes at Hannah’s touch as she deepens the kiss.

Hannah lets Cassie push a little but not much, intentionally keeping things light and teasing. She keeps one arm anchored around Cassie’s waist and brings the other up to trace the curve of her breast, circling the nipple with her fingertips.

Barely calmed desire rushes back with such force Cassie arches a little desperately into Hannah.

“God baby I need you to touch me,” she groans, her fingers digging into Hannah’s hips as she nips hungrily at her lip.

“Come to bed,” Hannah purrs, because the water’s cooling and she wants to take her time breaking Cassie apart until she can’t anymore. She reaches past Cassie to turn off the water and wraps a towel around her before finding one for herself. She can’t resist kissing her again, just one more time before stepping out of the shower, offering Cassie her hand.

Cassie squeezes the water from her hair and grabs Hannah’s hand, following her into the bedroom. She drinks in the sight of Hannah’s long bare legs under the towel, and her mouth practically waters.

“I need those incredible legs of yours wrapped around me,” Cassie murmurs, tugging lightly at Hannah’s towel as she brings her closer.

“So not conducive to me making you come,” Hannah says, biting her lip and grinning as she lets the towel drop. “I mean, you can have whatever you want. I’m just pointing that out.” She nudges Cassie to sit on the edge of the bed and crawls into her lap, legs splayed around her hips. “This work for you, baby?”

Cassie’s laugh goes breathless as she grabs Hannah’s ass, tugging her closer.

“Anything you do to me works for me” she says, fisting her hand in Hannah’s hair to tug her mouth down and cover it with her own.

Hannah deepens the kiss immediately, curling her fingers around the back of Cassie’s neck while her other hand returns to Cassie’s chest. She circles her nipple again before dragging the pad of her thumb over the stiffened flesh as her tongue twines with Cassie’s.

Cassie arches up, moaning against Hannah’s mouth as pleasure shoots straight into her core. Her fingers dig briefly into the taut skin of Hannah’s thighs, and then her palms skim up them, molding over the slender muscles there.

Her skin is burning, and she’s desperate for more as she tugs Hannah against her, panting slightly.

“Something you want, Cassie?” Hannah laughs softly, breaking from Cassie’s mouth to kiss down her neck. She rolls Cassie’s nipple between her fingers, pinching lightly, deliberately rocking her hips forward, though the angle does nothing but tease them both.

Cassie jerks at the touch, her head falling back as Hannah’s mouth leaves a searing trail down her skin.

“You know damn well what I want,” Cassie says with a laugh that ends on a moan. Her fingers squeeze at Hannah’s waist.

“God, touch me, I need you to touch me.”

Hannah grins even as she nudges Cassie back, lifting up on her knees to follow after her. With one hand braced next to her head, Hannah slides the other down between Cassie’s thighs.

“I am touching you,” she purrs, barely grazing Cassie’s skin.

Cassie bows up, a desperate sort of whine leaving her lips. She opens her legs in invitation as her hands come up to smooth along Hannah’s sides.

“Hannah you damn tease,” she groans, “god I fucking love it”.

“Can't help it,” Hannah says, watching Cassie intently, still teasing. “Kinda love you like this…” She wets her lips reflexively, dragging the tip of her middle finger along Cassie's entrance, not quite dipping inside.

Cassie hisses out a breath. Pleasure grows hot and heavy between her legs and her walls clench in anticipation. Her hands grow clumsy on Hannah’s skin as she moves to cover both her breasts, reveling in the silky softness.

“Please… Hannah,” she chokes out.

“Begging already?” Hannah grants her a small reprieve, sinking two fingers into Cassie all the way to the knuckle, stroking inside her, slow but firm. She lowers her mouth to Cassie's, sucking at her top lip, drawing it between her teeth.

The slight scrape of Hannah’s teeth against her lip intensifies the pleasure of Hannah inside her, and she bucks her hips impatiently as her hands smooth up Hannah’s neck and into her hair, still wet from the shower.

“Fuck baby.”

“Easy,” Hannah whispers between kisses, though she relishes the way Cassie moves under her. “I'll take care of you. Promise.” Her fingers move again, withdrawing almost entirely before sinking in again. This time, her hand twists enough to press her thumb to Cassie's swollen nerves.

Cassie gasps out a moan, and even in the blindness of desire something soft curls around her heart. There’s trust here, and for the first time she lets herself go completely, her hands dropping limply to the mattress as she gives herself over to Hannah.

“I’m yours,” she murmurs.

“Good girl,” Hannah whispers, sweetly kissing Cassie’s cheek.

She's seen Cassie a lot of different ways, but not like this--pliant and trusting. Despite the need between them, Hannah recognizes there's something more here.

“I love you, sweet girl. I've got you.”

She sets a steady rhythm, lowering some of her weight onto Cassie as her hand works between them.

“You feel so good, baby,” Hannah moans.

Cassie’s head falls to the side as she cants her hips up, seeking more of Hannah. Her weight feels just right, safe, and pleasure feathers across her skin as she breathes Hannah’s name. She feels the tightening, deep inside her, as the pleasure reaches its peak.

Kissing slowly down the side of Cassie’s neck, more tongue than anything, Hannah rubs slow circles over her clit, twisting her fingers deep, stroking just how she knows Cassie likes.

“That's it,” she murmurs against Cassie’s throat.

The combination of sensations undoes her as a wave of hot pleasure rolls over her, and makes her cry out, Hannah’s name a breathless sound on her lips. Her walls tighten like a vise around Hannah’s fingers as she bows up, shaking with release.

“God, Hannah.” Cassie melts back into the mattress on a sigh.

“Mmm, I love doing that,” Hannah murmurs, still just barely moving her fingers, just to feel Cassie shiver. “Don't think I'll ever get over it.” She trails lazy kisses across Cassie’s shoulder and up her neck, wherever she can reach without moving too far.

Cassie groans, stretching languidly as Hannah’s fingers send shuddering aftershocks through her system. Her hands move up to stroke along Hannah’s skin as she presses her lips to her hair.

“I’m not complaining,” Cassie manages, blinking a little as her system settles.

“It’s only, like, 10pm,” Hannah realizes, catching sight of the alarm clock on the end table. She eases her fingers out of Cassie and traces her thighs instead, too entranced with touching her to stop completely. “It feels so much later. Work tomorrow?” She’s lost track of what day it is and her brain is too fuzzy to figure it out just now.

“I can barely remember my damn name, my work schedule is a mystery,” Cassie mutters, but she’s smiling as she draws Hannah up to her, tucking her head under Hannah’s chin. Her fingers feather over Hannah’s belly, tracing along the outside of the scar there, and she nuzzles at Hannah’s neck.

“”Hmmmm, it’s Tuesday today, so yes, work tomorrow.” Cassie says a little regretfully, as she tugs the covers over them.

#Hannah rivera #cassie conner #the brave #my fic #conera

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maximumkillshotstillwritess-blog · 5 years

Text

Tear Me Down Part 1

Tear Me Down-Part I

Fanfic writer: MaximumKillshot

Warnings: angst,drinking, gore, possession, descriptions of said possession, slight self esteem issue if you really look hard, just a whole slab of Sadness really

Characters: Sam, Dean, Possessed!Reader, Cas

A/N: I’m sorry for this. My twisted head came up with this. There will be another part to it and I promise it is way…. WAYYYY more light-hearted. I wrote the bulk of it while listening to “Way Down We Go” by Kaleo.

“Hey y/n…” said Dean as he froze in the doorway to the kitchen. His mouth slowly opening when he saw you…

IF YOU HURT HIM I SWEAR ON EVERYTHING THAT I LOVE..you tried to scream, threaten, beg, chant, nothing worked.

“Hey Dean” you said IT’S NOT ME DEAN ITS NOT ME, GET SAMMY!!!…

“You ok? You look a little different..” said Dean as he cocked his head to the side in confusion, slowly coming towards you.

“Yea I’m fine, the demons got in my head last night is all” you said….

“I know they can be harsh, you did good for a green hunter” said Dean as he grabbed a cup of coffee next to you.

“Yeah they can be” you said. When Dean looked back at you is when you saw the fear in his eyes. At that moment is when your eyes turned from your original soft color to hardened black. The demon flung him across the room and pinned him to the wall with one flick of the wrist.

Originally posted by mentalandtwisted

“Good thing Sammy’s on his run” said the demon inhabiting your body… Internally you’re screaming for Dean, clawing At your own consciousness, struggling to get your body back.

“Y/n… You can fight this.. I know you can” said Dean as he was struggling against the invisible force that wrapped around him like a vice.

“She isn’t here at the moment.” said the demon as she slowly walked towards Dean. “You know something Dean? I can see it in your eyes, you’ve had feeling for this little meat sack for a while haven’t you?” Dean’s face turned from focused to worried… “I can tell you things that she won’t”

At this point you even addressed the demon with a “where are you getting at?”. Without acknowledging you it continued.

“Like for example, every time you take a woman home, she imagines that it was her… Every time that you talk about the women that you sleep with, she compares herself to them and whines to herself with the ‘I’m not pretty enough’ and ‘he’ll think I’m ugly’…. Its sad really” said the demon. She then got an inch away from Dean’s face and said “but,what’s even more sad, is that you feel the same way… Well for you two it’s sad… For me it’s hilarious!” said the demon as she laughed in his face.

“Let her go” said Dean. His face was hard and full of anger.

“You see I would but this is just so much fun!”

Dean then started to recite the prayer for exorcism and then you started to fight back, pulling all of your energy into chanting with him, still imprisoned in your body. Suddenly she moved to the kitchen and held a knife to your throat “ bad idea Dean, I’d shut up of I were you”

Dean did as he was told and the demon walked to him, at that moment you made your move, doing one final push to gain control and for a few seconds you had it. Dean collapsed onto the ground and you ran to the dungeon as fast as you could, you collapsed into the middle of the demon trap and you heard a voice in your head say WRONG MOVE LITTLE GIRL.

You heard Dean run into the dungeon after you and then you were back in that dark hole that demon threw you in. Watching helplessly as they talked.

“At a girl y/n” said Dean as he circled the trap.

“No gonna lie to you, she is a bit tough” said the demon, as she spit out some black goo. more where that came from you scoffed at the demon.

“So we can do this many, many ways, all of them end with you back in hell and y/n back in her body… the determining factor here is if you want to feel a world of pain or not” said Dean as he started to call Sam.

“ Oh I see another way… say your little crush’s soul burning in hell for eternity for one. I mean, you may be a Winchester but she isn’t” said the demon.

“That is after all your worst fear isn’t it Dean? Before her, it was Sam. You didn’t want Sam landing in hell, now what wakes you up at night?? I know.” said the demon.

“Shut up” said Dean as she continued…

“What wakes you up at night is seeing her chained up to a table in hell, coals in her filleted stomach, screaming for you to save her, and no one but the demon that did it, looking exactly like you…”

“SHUT UP!!… hey Sammy we’ve got a problem.” said Dean

“YEA SAMMY BOY WE’VE GOTTA PROBLEM! YOUR BROTHER IS WATCHING HIS WORST NIGHTMARE HAPPEN IN FRONT OF HIM!!” said the demon in a joking tone.

Dean hung up and looked at her in the eye… “y/n hang in there, fight”

“YEAH y/n fight! HAHAH Dean, she’s tired, I can feel her soul ripping to shreds… That stunt you pulled up there with her, it did damage to her soul…” said the demon.

“y/n get back to me” said Dean.

With that you looked at him and your eye color went back to normal “Dean.. help me… I can’t… hold it..” you said wincing, trying to keep the pain in check.

“It’s ok, we’ll get it out we’ll …” Dean stopped when he heard “pft pfffft AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA I’m sorry I tried to hold it in. Dean her soul is gone, she’s rotting in hell, exactly where you didn’t want her.” said the demon in between chuckles.

When I get my strength back, you are going to regret your own existence you said to it. Watching Dean be ripped apart by her words.

“It’s a shame too, I mean all of the memories that you missed out on. You know she imagined you more than you could fathom.” said the demon. That was when you lost it, you started fighting it, clawing at it. The struggle showed in your face. You didn’t stop fighting, until finally you had control again.

“y/n?” said Dean about to grab you.

“NO, Dean stay away, she wants to kill you and Sammy stay back” you said as you heard in your head nice moves kid.

“Shut Up!” you yelled grabbing your head. You know that when I get back in control, I’m going to kill your little boy toy and his brother, with your hands. “SHUT UP YOU BITCH!!” you yelled at the top of your lungs.

“It’s ok y/n, we just need to wait for Sammy” said Dean as he monitored you.

You know that he doesn’t love you, he would’ve bargained for you already, you mean nothing to him.

“Dean I can’t…. SHUT UP!.. ahh” you uttered.

You then heard running upstairs and then Sam bursted into the room.

“What’s going on? y/n” said Sam with wide eyes. As both of the boys were looking at you, you felt a pain in the middle of your chest, you tried to scream but no noise came out, just blood. Then when you grabbed the center of your chest there was nothing but blood.

“hey Sammy” said the demon, now in complete control again. “Come to join the party?”

“It’s been four days Sammy! That demon isn’t letting her go, hell Cas can’t even get it out!” yelled Dean as he heard screaming from the dungeon. Cas had come into the equation when the first three exorcisms didn’t work.

“Dean, let Cas do his job” said Sammy, trying to keep Dean’s head on straight.

“REALLY?! This thing isn’t going to let her go, even a cut from the angel blade did nothing to it!” said Dean as Cas come out from the dungeon with blood on his hands.

“Dean, we need to talk” said Cas

“Is she ok? What happened?” said Dean now looking at Cas worried.

“Yes and No to if she’s ok. The demon held onto her like a leech. That’s why the exorcisms weren’t working. Everytime you tried to cast it out, it fed off of her soul. I had to use my grace to…” said Cas. Then he paused looking at Sam and then back to Dean hesitantly.

“I can take it Cas” said Dean

“I had to physically carve the demon out of her. It is rarely done because of the damage that it can do to the human and their soul. This is the only way I could get it out.” said Cas with remorseful eyes.

Originally posted by loseaquett

Everyone was silent for a few seconds then Sam asked the question that Dean was too scared to utter.

“How much is left?”

“You don’t want to know” said Cas.

“I do, tell me… how much is left of her soul?” said Dean almost in tears…

“All together including the damaged areas, about a third, I tried to salvage as much as I could” said Cas. Dean said nothing and just walked to the library to grab the whiskey, slumped into one of the chairs and filled up a glass.

“So what now?” asked Sam

“We see if she wakes up, I tried to heal her as much as possible. She is one hell of a fighter, for now keep her under close supervison. Her body is in even worse shape than her soul is. I’ve moved her to her room already. Don’t let Dean see her. It’s bad.” said Cas.

As soon as Cas finished that sentence Dean got up and walked to your room Cas appeared in front of him and said “Dean don’t”

All Dean did was look at his friend and open the door. Dean felt like he had been hit with an iron mace in the middle of his chest when he saw you.

Originally posted by subcas

You were in your bed, Dean knew that it was you but it didn’t look like you. His heart broke at first when he saw your hands, black and blue from clenching your fists through all of the exorcisms over the past 4 days. As he moved towards the bed he found it harder and harder to breathe. He focused on your arms next, covered in welts, cuts, and burns. Those came when Cas had tried to expell the demon in Enochian, the demon got pissed and started to burn you from the inside out. He looked at you chest slowly rising and falling, watching all of the new bruises and cuts that weren’t there before Cas kicked him out of the dungeon 36 hours ago.Your hair was all messed up and scattered among the pillows, something that you’d never allow, your hair always got in your way when you slept.

Originally posted by deadinside-muser

Before Dean even knew it he was at your bedside, staring at you. The only thing that snapped him out of it was the sound of his tear hitting the sheets. He snapped out of it and tried to help you, trying to not lose his mind.

“Let me tie your hair up for you Princess. You can’t be comfortable like that” said Dean as he put down the whiskey and grabbed your hair tie from your nightstand.

When he went to tie up your hair he lightly talked to you as Sam and Cas watched from the doorway.

“You know I’ve always liked your hair. I don’t know why you hate it so much. I remember when we were gathering intel on a werewolf in Tennessee, you had your hair in a pony tail and it was so long that it caught on fire when you leaned against a table with a candle on it when we were talking to a witness.” Dean chuckled and sniffled as he continued “you begged me to shave your head that day, saying that it looked ugly anyway” Dean laughed as he finished the pony tail “ I was never going to do that, you’re too beautiful to have anything taken away”… At that moment the gravity of what happened struck him again and all he did was kneel on the ground next to your bed and cry.

Originally posted by morarossi

OK peoples of Tumblr. A Part Two is being worked on right now! MY CREATIVE JUICES ARE FLOWING!! Let me know what you guys think… I promise part II will be so much more light-hearted!

TAG ARMY:

@mamaredd123 @impala-dreamer @impalaimagining @jotink78@nichelle-my-belle@ngeohp @saxxxology @scorpiongirl1@ilostmyshoe-79@teamfreewill-imagine@leatherwhiskeycoffeeplaid@chelsea072498@jovialsam @brickwall035 @maui137

angst

depression

SPNFamily

spn fanfic

supernatural

dean winchester

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cas

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Jan 27th, 2017

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evilqueens · 6 years

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Happy Valentine’s Day to @InsideParrilla on Twitter! Sorry for the late posting, I had school today.

This whole thing became a monster, so I guess this can be considered the start of a new verse for me. It’s based on one of my favorite book series, Delirium.

I really hope you enjoy the beginning, and I will be posting the entire first part this weekend. (: I hope you had an amazing day today, and many thanks to @lovefromoq for putting this event together! 💕

(link for ao3)

Regina still cries sometimes. The anniversary of her father’s death is one of those times.

She wonders if that’s something that would upset him. Anyone else would find it alarming, perhaps even enough to report her. But her father had always been a bit more lenient about these things than anyone else, despite the surgical procedure he’d had that was supposed to make him feel otherwise.

It was twenty years before her father had been born when the government had identified love as an official disease. An umbrella disorder under which many other disorders had been reclassified as symptoms, like depression, anxiety, insomnia. And by the time her father had turned eighteen a cure had been all but perfected to keep the public safe against love.

It’d become a mandatory operation — a surgery on the brain, performed on the spot of the head just behind the ear. It was a clean procedure by the time her father had gotten it, leaving behind nothing but three small dots as evidence. A scar most people wore proudly as the mark against amor deliria nervosa.

The wind picks up as Regina stares out at the tides, stinging her tear-stained cheeks and making a mess of her hair. She takes a quick glance around to make sure no one’s there to witness her crying. But she knows she’s safe; it’s too cold to be at the beach. She used to complain whenever her father would drag her out here during temperatures like this, claiming the cold air was refreshing for the mind.

And detrimental to the immune system, she would argue. Then he’d wrap an arm around her — unusual for Cureds, to show any sort of physical affection — and make some sort of teasing compliment about how good a doctor she is. Usually followed by some ridiculous quip of him having learned not to fear everything in nature just because it might pose a danger to him.

The longer Regina has thought about that, the deeper it seems to ring true.

Her father had never outwardly supported the cause against the deliria — not the way most everyone else does. He didn’t cringe away from talk of the deliria the way most people around Regina do. He had secret stashes of banned books and music that Regina had rifled through on more than one occasion when she was younger. The bulk of it had been made well before the official classification of the disease, and the books glorified it, their authors unaware. And the music was full of haunting melodies belting the ugly effects of the deliria that still send a shiver down Regina’s spine whenever she thinks about them.

She never knew why her father held on to those items. It wasn’t safe by any means, and had anyone else ever come across the stashes Regina’s sure he would’ve been accused of being a Sympathizer, a resister to the fight against the deliria.

She brings a hand up behind her ear, rubbing at her procedural scar. She’d gotten the cure two months after her eighteenth birthday. Procedures before the age of eighteen aren’t generally allowed — too many dire side-effects can occur. Though doctors are working hard to make the cure safe for everyone, for now people have to wait until at least eighteen — sometimes older, depending on results of a mandatory physical — unless under extreme circumstances.

Regina used to fear getting the cure when she was younger, more than contracting the deliria itself (though she’d never admit that to anyone). Though she’d never fallen victim of the deliria, her anxiety before the cure had been through the roof, and it had taken everything in her to suppress the panic that had welled up in her the day of her procedure.

She remembers one of the nurses helping her that day had caught a stray tear before Regina could wipe it away, and had tried to ease her worries. “After this, you won’t have reasons to cry again. You’ll be safe.”

Regina scoffs now at the memory, wiping away another tear. Out in the cold, deserted beach, with nothing but sad memories to keep her company, she wonders what she’d done to warrant being so unfortunate.

She also can’t help but wonder what that nurse’s misconception means for her safety.

—

Regina’s first thought about the new nurse on duty is that he’s gorgeous — and she’s immediately alarmed by it. It’s not the first time she’s had that thought about a person, but it is the first time it’s felt anything but objective. The first time since having been cured, anyway.

He’s not very tall. On the days she wears heels (which is more often than not), she’s almost eye-level with him. She thinks this makes things more difficult for her. It gives her a better view of his blue eyes, and the dimples that often peak out when he speaks or smiles (and he smiles a lot, more than anyone else around here).

The tingle she’d felt shoot up her arm when he’d shaken her hand and introduced himself as Robin was one she’d had trouble shaking off for the rest of the day.

She avoids him at first, irritated at the way his gaze leaves a warm feeling in her chest. She’s dismissive, and doesn’t let herself spend more time than she needs to in his immediate proximity. She cuts any conversations with him short at the first opportunity. She doesn’t meet his eyes when he speaks to her, opting to busy herself with whatever’s close by. One day he catches her without anything around for her to toy with, and she finds herself mentally connecting the dots of his procedural scar as he goes over a form with her.

He calls her out on her elusiveness one day.

“I’m cured, you know,” he comments out of the blue while she fills out a prescription form.

She looks up in confusion as he leans an elbow on the counter next to her. “What?”

He smirks at her, the appearance of his dimples causing an unwanted distraction. “Ever since I started here, you’ve been avoiding me like we’re a pair of teenagers. So I just wanted to let you know that I am cured, and you have nothing to worry about.”

She fights down a blush, bristling at his accusation, even though it’s more or less true. She bites back, “I’m perfectly aware.”

“I don’t have any other disease either, for the record,” he quips before she can say anything else. “I was cleared before being allowed to work here.” His smirk doesn’t let up.

“I’m sure you have a clean bill of health.” She glares at him. “And I’m not avoiding you,” she lies. She rips the prescription form off its pack with more force than necessary.

“Could’ve fooled me,” he mutters as she moves around him to get back to her patient’s room.

She throws another glare over her shoulder. “Well you’ll have to excuse me if I have better things to do here than stand around and chat with you.”

She leaves before he can respond, unwilling to give him a chance to point out that her hasty retreat helps his point more than hers.

Determined to prove him wrong, Regina stops dodging him after that. Robin notices, she can tell by the amusement in the smiles he gives her for the following week, but he thankfully doesn’t comment on it. He takes full advantage of the end of her evasiveness however, engaging her in more conversations. And she wills her heartbeat to steady when he’s standing too close, or when his voice lowers to throw a joke or a light tease in her direction.

She watches him, in spite of herself. He has a warm demeanor, one the kids he tends to pick up on immediately. He doesn’t cross the line of propriety, but he tends to near it more often than not; comments here and there that one might consider more playful than than what’s considered normal. He’s drawn a giggle or two out of children before — but aside from a sideways glance from uninterested parents, no one seems to notice anything particularly out of the ordinary. And it occurs to Regina more than once that the only reason she’s noticed it herself is because she pays him too much attention.

And he’s noticed, she thinks. Or perhaps, he also just pays her more attention than he should. In any case, he takes any opportunity he can to talk to her. From often needless information on the children he’s prepped for her to see, to offhand comments about the weather, not a day goes by that he doesn’t attempt a conversation while they work together.

She thinks it should bother her — she’s never been one to have patience for those on the chattery side, her low tolerance for the secretary Ruby being a good example. And as it is, her encounters with Robin do leave her annoyed — but not so much with him. Instead she’s irritated at how unbothered she is by his presence, at how she might even like it.

She’s too aware of him when he’s near. Aware enough to become familiarized with the timbre of his voice, and the shade of blue his eyes are. Aware enough to know that he smells of pine trees, and that the bottom circle of his procedural scar is a just a little bit crooked (and she wonders where he got his procedure; were they careless about it?). She feels his absence more than she thinks she should on his days off, and it leaves her feeling a little off-kilter going those days without talking to him. She’s too aware.

She’s treating a little boy with an ear infection one day, a particularly bad one that she can only assume worsened due to negligence. Her guess is all but proven when Robin exits the examination room and tells her that the reason the boy wasn’t brought in sooner was because his mother had a short business trip to make. The lack of interest from the mother in question is apparent when Regina enters the room and barely receives a reply to her hello.

It’s one of the most common side-effects of the Cure — for people to be unable to form a parental attachment to their children. It’s not new for Regina to come across parents who aren’t particularly worried for the well-being of the children they bring in. There are extreme cases, of course, ones she’s allowed to report if the child’s life seems to be in imminent danger. But those are rare, and despite the unwanted tug in her heart at seeing this little boy feeling so obviously miserable, she knows there’s not much she can do besides prescribe him his antibiotics.

She can’t help casually asking for assurance from his mother that the boy will be monitored and given his medicine, however. She’s told that the housekeeper will be put in charge of administering the boy’s medication, but the answer doesn’t do much to relieve the tightening of Regina’s chest as she clears them both to leave.

She fills a paper cup with water she doesn’t think she’s gonna drink, trying to buy herself time to better compose herself.

“I would assume the housekeeper will be diligent about the medicine,” she hears Robin lightly say. She looks up to see him reach for a paper cup of his own as he continues, “If only to make sure she keeps her job.”

“I’m sure he’ll be fine.” She tries to school her face, but the way he looks at her tells her she doesn’t succeed.

He gives her a smile. “He seemed like a trooper,” he agrees. “I think I even saw a bit of a smile when Ruby handed him his lollipop in the waiting area.”

The corners of Regina’s mouth twitch up despite herself at the notion, and the invisible weight on her chest lightens up a little. It’s replaced with a different form of anxiety at Robin’s next words, however.

His smile fades, and he studies her for a moment before softly declaring, “You care about these children.” There’s a certain weight to his words that Regina can’t discern, but it leaves her feeling uneasy.

She stays silent, unsure of how to respond without sounding defensive. Because she suddenly feels defensive — the unidentifiable meaning in his comment has her feeling almost accused. And though she’s not exactly sure of what, she’s also not sure she can truthfully say she’s not guilty.

The corners of Robin’s mouth twitch up again. “It’s refreshing,” he tells her. “At least someone around here is good at their job.” He gives her a playful wink.

It doesn’t fully ease the anxiety of his earlier implication, but the compliment still warms her. The anxious flip flopping in her stomach takes a lighter tone. Almost like butterflies.

#oq ff #oq fic #lovefromoq #outlaw queen #look i wrote a thing #💕💕💕#deliria verse

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p5spoilersblog · 7 years

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on goro akechi v2 ft screenshot evidence because people are misinterpreting like everything about him & spreading misinfo

1. He got his persona powers 2.5 years earlier than the rest of the cast, and that’s important. He was a lonely child who had gone through life with absolutely no one, having to be constantly reminded that no one ever wanted him. He had nothing in his heart but resentment for Shido because he didn’t know anything else. He approached Shido and offered to use his berserk powers(no murder involved) with the intent of stabbing him in the back later because he had nothing else to lose.

2. Shadow Shido openly brags about being the reason he was using his powers to kill, because they were Shido’s orders to begin with.

Shido also talks about continuing to use the cognitive world for evil, even when he had planned to have Akechi killed right after the election.

3. There was no way he could’ve known about the power to change hearts. Morgana is expressly the one who told Joker and Ryuji about it. Without Morgana, they wouldn’t have known. They had to take extra precaution to not trigger a mental shutdown in Kamoshida, because the method to it is pretty obtuse. There’s 2 points in the game where’s he upset about not having known about it earlier:

4. The mental shutdowns weren’t his idea, they were the orders of Shido and his political buddies.

Here’s a compilation of evidence from the cruise ship of that: http://imgur.com/a/VE61s

So, yes, well established that everything was on Shido’s orders.

No, this doesn’t mean he’s 100% free of having to deal with the consequences of his actions, because he isn’t. He’s both a perpetrator and a victim, the game straight up calls him this.

The bulk of the blame should go to the person who actually wanted them dead rather than the hitman. In this case, the hitman was an abused kid who was in a do or die situation. No, the hitman is not totally innocent, this isn’t the point of this post.

(It’s worth nothing that if Shido wanted someone dead he more than likely would’ve found a way even if Akechi had tried to walk away. This is almost directly implied, as Shido talks about continuing to use the cognitive world after the election, when if everything had gone his way, he would’ve killed Akechi at that point anyway, as evidenced earlier in this post).

Here Shido offers a deal to the thieves, after Akechi was presumed dead, confirming that cognitive world things are going on with or without him. Along with a “those who disobey me must be eliminated.” The connection here is obvious.

In the text chat they have about him after sending the calling card, Haru says she thinks he was a victim too, Anne says he was a victim they couldn’t save. Ryuji says that while he can’t forgive him, he forgives Shido even less for warping him so badly. Makoto agrees with Ryuji. Morgana says that Akechi helped them all out in the end.

This should be obvious, his infiltration of the PT and assassination of Joker were on Shido’s orders. The first thing he does after Joker’s supposed death is call Shido and says that it’s done. The SIU director shows up occasionally talking to Shido on the phone talking about how their evil plan is going swimmingly, and at one point he even says “an idea so atrocious had to come from you(Shido).” Akechi was just a convenient tool to make that happen.

(The above cap is even before they learn that Shido was Akechi’s father).

It’s also worth noting that he got his powers earlier than the rest for a reason. As Lavenza revealed, he was cherry picked to be the one to oppose Joker. Akechi says that “be it god or demon, I finally had a chance” when he was talking about his revenge against Shido. Which, is fitting, considering Yaldabaoth chose him because he was a lonely kid with nothing but resentment in his heart. He had nothing to lose, he had no way of knowing how to change hearts, of course he went after Shido and made it worse for himself. It was rigged against him from the start.

To understand a bit more about the way he was treated and why he lashed out, I advise to read about the stigma of illegitimate kids in Japan and the treatment of orphans in Japan.

He was a child who had known absolutely nothing but neglect and abuse his entire life; he was a child who was at the tender age of 14-15 when he approached Shido. He wanted to lash out and didn’t have the means to do so. And because of who his father was, because he had absolutely no way of knowing how to change hearts, he could only make it worse for himself. He didn’t decide “I hate my dad so I’m gonna go kill people to get his attention” he decided, “I hate my dad and have absolutely nothing to lose so I’m going to approach him and try to backstab him later and get myself into a situation where I would either have to die or commit atrocities to keep on going.” (It’s unclear whether he knew that Shido would have him use his powers to kill. Shadow Shido brags about being the reason for it, though, as evidenced earlier).

And no, he isn’t without regret.

Also, this Leblanc conversation post Okumura death.

The Leblanc conversation there also stands out because he goes on about it being the one place of comfort he had.

He wasn’t being 100% fake all the time. Morgana points out that he actually did like Joker, and it was true. That was the line that finally set him into full blown tantrum mode after his first boss fight. (The localization translated that as “You don’t hate Joker” when it should’ve been something more like “You cared for/grew fond of/liked Joker.)” (He also says that it helps that Sojiro treats him just like any other customer, which sticks out because he’s probably not used to being treated like an actual human being).

I think a lot of people’s problems is that they see him before and immediately after betrayal(when he’s talking to Shido) and think this means everything post betrayal was his “real self.” It wasn’t, he hates Shido, he wanted to ruin Shido, the evil villain act he put on in front of Shido was just as much of an act as he put on on TV.

He openly laments that they couldn’t have met a few years earlier, because that’s the big difference between him and the PT. While the PT had each other and other people in their lives when they awakened their powers, Akechi had absolutely no one. He had gone through his entire life all by himself and thought he was fine on his own because he thought he could never have anyone accept him for who he actually is. And this goes well past the hitman working for Shido thing. He also thought that no one would accept him if they knew about his birth or his past; as said before, in Japan, being an illegitimate kid is highly stigmatized. In his TV monologue in the cruise ship, he thinks about that fact that none of the people in the audience know he’s an “unwanted child.” And the game makes a point of his fans turning on him whenever he made mistakes. Even the girl in your class who was always going on about how handsome he is said she was embarrassed to be his fan. The public is fickle, and didn’t care about him much or at all to begin with, just the mask he put on in front of them.

He thought he could never have real bonds because of his upbringing.

5. Shido would’ve killed him if he had tried to walk away. This is established after this line, after Shido was telling him to go “deal with anyone [Akechi finds] suspicious.” Akechi replied to this by saying that they should wait a week until after the election, after in Akechi’s mind, he wouldn’t have to listen to Shido anymore. (He was trying to stall)

“Do you know what it means to defy me?” is also a valid translation here. Right here it’s established that if he had tried to walk away, he would’ve been killed.

It’s also worth noting that Akechi said that as if he was terrified to question him.

No, I’m not saying he did nothing wrong at all. The fact that he did it at all disqualifies him from doing nothing wrong, but, it’s important to consider how little of a choice he had in his actions.

His real thief outfit is one striped like a prison outfit, with belts binding his limbs. The symbolism there is obvious.

The Design Works description for Loki is also worth bringing up:

"Loki's true form is unknown. I gave him a design in which you can't tell if more of the pattern is white or black, and I had thought of and considered giving him this feeling of not being able to tell which side he was on. The design motif is the "dazzle camoflauge" (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dazzle_camouflage) that was used on WWI warships. The camoflauge was meant to make the size and shape of the warship difficult to discern. In addition to that, the horns that protrude from the eyes I based off a snail parasite, and it emphasizes the unpleasantness of this feeling of not knowing where the individual['s true self] is (like where the parasite ends and the host begins, I presume). I thought it might interesting if people could get this feeling of "who is the real you?", as Akechi might say.”

How little independence he actually had is the entire point.

6. Shido, deep down, knew Akechi was his son and used that to manipulate him. Shido says he suspected as much because Akechi resembles his mother. Shido admits to using his childish need for acceptance and praise to manipulate him(which also ties back into his lonely upbringing), it’s why Akechi thought that Shido trusted him. Like I said in the last post, he’s a worst case scenario for the subject matter the entire game covers - someone who was in a situation where he couldn’t do anything about ends up walking down the same path as his abusers when given the means to do something, because he had no positive influences or support system to know what to do otherwise. He had no way of knowing what to do.

He was a child who was abused and manipulated just as(if not moreso) by rotten adults just as everyone in the PT was. In the end, he wasn’t so different from them. The main difference is that he was cherry picked by a false god to be set on a bad path from the start.

If you wanna take all of this and say “cool motive, still murder” then fine. But, context is everything, especially when in context, he was in a do or die situation where he had to act as a hitman for the person who actually wanted the targets dead. Especially when the entire game is about abusive power dynamics, especially when it comes to the power adults have over the youth. Him being the only teenage antagonist is very, very relevant. It’s almost appalling how many people I see list a number of reasons to vehemently hate Akechi and then list Shido off in a passing “yeah that guy was a dick I guess” because that’s deliberately missing the point. In the end, he wasn’t so different than the PT. He was abused and manipulated by the rotten adults just as much(if not more so). The same rotten adult that also had a hand in the lives of other party members, even.

You don’t have to like him, you don’t even have to feel sympathy for him, but, the amount of people I’ve seen that nigh have to be deliberately misinterpreting his situation is kind of exhausting.

He goes after the PT in the cruise ship only after he learns that they were going after Shido. A big character fault is his pride, and he said how he wanted to be the one to “personally take responsibility for Masayoshi Shido by thrusting him into a living hell.” It was his literal life’s mission. He admitted he was jealous of Joker; he said that he was jealous because Joker’s heart was always free, and his wasn’t. He saw Joker as the epitome of everything he could never have; someone who was surrounded by comrades who cared about him and could be acknowledged as heroes. He clung to his want for revenge against Shido, he clung to his false fame because it brought him the praise and attention he’d been denied his whole life. His childish want for love & praise was another very fatal character flaw. Which, again, ties into his traumatic upbringing.

Then, in come Cognitive Akechi. Cognitive Akechi informs the real Akechi that Shido was going to kill him right after the election anyway, because he never had Shido’s trust to begin with. He never would’ve been able to take Shido down alone. He thought he was fine on his own because loneliness was the only thing he’d ever known.

He realized what an idiot he was, he calls himself just that. He never could’ve done anything alone. Cognitive Akechi then gives him another chance to be the person Shido wants him to be.

And he turns around and shoots cognitive Goro, raises the partition wall, and says that if they had tried to fight cognitive Goro and his shadows while protecting him in his injured state and making sure he doesn’t get killed, they would’ve all been annihilated. He gave his life for the people that shattered his belief that the only way he could ever be accepted if he was putting on an act, in a final standoff against the manifestation of the puppet he used to be, and removed himself from the cycle of abuse instead of letting it go on any longer.

He was finally able to let go off his want for revenge and false flame he clung to because it brought him the praise and admiration he’d been denied so heavily as a child. Because in the end, he wasn’t so different from the rest of them, the difference was that he was cherry picked by a false god to be the bad guy. His death was nigh the only choice he’d ever been able to make for himself.

omake: his angry critical cutin and black actual outfit fit in far better with the PT than his white princely outfit and p3/p4 style cutin ever did

#persona 5 #p5 #goro akechi #p5 spoilers #heavy spoilers #seriously heavy #long post under cut #also pretty image heavy #i reiterate a lot of what i said in the last post but there's more + screenshot evidence this time

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