#I'll finish the episode tomorrow and then decide if i should keep watching

[minbinchan]

Why is the first episode of Oshi no ko so fucking long I don't have the attention span for this

#i watched 44 minutes of it and i still had like 1/3 of the episode to go 😭 #first thoughts: its weird #the premise of it is kinda weird ngl #not the idol thing but the reincarnation part i guess #thats what creeping me up the most #I'll finish the episode tomorrow and then decide if i should keep watching #at least the music slaps

[fragilediary-of-evren]

December 15th, 2023 - Rice and Souvlaki

────────────────────────────── Woke up at 2 PM No breakfast Ate my favourite meal ──────────────────────────────

☆.。†：＊・゜☆．。†：＊・゜☆．。†：＊・゜☆

Heyyy, how's it going? I hope y'all are feeling okay.

Today's been fine, pretty chill as always. After not understanding TribeTwelve, I decided to watch EverymanHYBRID. I know I should've watched it before TT, but idc at this point. I'll just watch it and then try to understand the lore. I really want to understand...

After that, I listened to the album Souvlaki by Slowdive. I swear it just got better and better, ph my god. Right now I prefer it more than Just For A Day. My favourite songs are Dagger, 40 Days, and Alison. Maybe I'll listen to Pygmalion now, pr maybe tomorrow.

The picture for today shows my favourite meal, which is like a simplified risotto...? With tuna and cheese. I love it. You can also see my favourite necklace, I always wear it. It's not very aesthetic, but I like showing random stuff.

Now, the song for today is "Lonely Hearts Club" by MARINA, one of my favourite singers EVER. I've been listening to her since January 2022 and I'm OBSESSED with her; especially now that it seems to be that she announced new music. I'm so HAPPYYYYYYY¡¡¡¡¡¡

And I chose THAT song specifically because it reminds me of... THE dream boy. Ugh. I couldn't stop thinking about him last night. Maybe I'm just creating fake scenarios... Yes, I am. I don't know how to stop it, it simply consumes everything in me. Even though I'm fully aware of the fact that he'll totally ruin me.

I'm already ruined anyway. It shouldn't matter. But I have to keep my friends close. That's more important than a boy.

A boy that looks very weird. But he has something, I don't know what it is, just something. Anyway, I should stop thinking about it. At least not a lot.

OH YEAH, I FINISHED HEARTSTOPPER SEASON 2. After three or four months. I had actually watched the first 3 episodes, but I started over and watched the 8 episodes in one night. I absolutely LOVED IT. I've never felt so single and so happy in this year. I can't wait to watch the 3rd season!

So yeah, I may have not done anything today, but I'm feeling cheerful. Everything is gonna be okay. I hope so...

wtf I'm hearing weird noises outside tf is going on

Well, that's all. Good night, imaginary audience.

☆.。†：＊・゜☆．。†：＊・゜☆．。†：＊・゜☆

#fragile cosmos #fragile posts #dream boy update #fuck him #i cant stop thinking about it #i cant wait for next year #i need to see him #anyway #we love heartstopper #i need season 3 now #aaaahhhh

[keefwho]

August 18 - 2023 Friday

7:54 AM

Since I'm going hard with the exercises my book wants me to do, I'll be doing a lot of writing here. A lot of the same thing over and over. Multiple times a day I have schedules periods where I want to identify common thoughts plaguing me, defuse from them, and perform awareness exercises that focus on physical awareness of my body.

I am alone. I should feel lonely. I'm being ignored. I'm not valued. I can't get better or grow myself.

I'm sure I'll identify more thoughts in the future, right now things aren't too bad. I have typical stories floating about in my head, stories I've told myself to the point they are like gospel. The story that I belong alone, the story I am worthless, and the story that I am stagnant. They are all generated in my head based loosely on real life data. But I pick and choose data that works against me because I like to see myself fail. That could be the overarching plot, the story that I am a complete failure. The Failure of Keith I could call it.

This will likely get shortened every time I have to do it, I only mean to identify and document the stories currently in my head so I can keep becoming aware of them. I also intend to do an exercise which focuses on my breath in order to practice focus away from my thoughts.

12:31 PM

Today is gonna suck, I can't have meaningful conversation. I'm going to be bored, I can't figure out what I want. I don't deserve happiness. I can't operate on my own.

11:57 PM

Already I didn't do all the defusion I meant to today only because I was SO busy literally all day.

This morning I ate spicy ramen, spam, and green beans and a couple golden oreos with my coffee. It was a big big breakfast, almost half of my daily calories but I needed that since I haven't been eating as much lately and have been down about a pound. I think that's also why I've been so physically tired and unable to do my workouts.

Stream went okay, I did a nice color study and finished another pic of my otter but it took a lot longer than I thought. We watched the Dr Zalost episode of Courage which was actually so good, a real masterpiece. I ended stream early so I could do some painting in VR for my bestie which went very well. I think the painting is coming out nice and I met a very nice girl who I discussed psychology and emotions with. We had very similar opinions on the matter which was refreshing.

That lasted about and hour and then I did my boxing workout. It was kinda tough but I did the whole thing, the big breakfast really helped out. I was going to clean my bed but I was already behind schedule so I decided to put it off until tomorrow given how long it'll take to wash all my blankets. Lunch was a bologna sandwich with some rice and a pear cup.

While working on my YCH I hung out in my friend's server and talked about my feelings a little bit. I did all my work there and then some, doing a couple studies based off pics my bestie sent. I did those in a different server call with people that wanted me to play Roblox but only after I did my studies. I played with them for a little bit before hopping in VR which was pretty fun. I hung out with 4 different friend groups, a little bit each. In one group there was something about one guy's avatar that actually had me wanting to grind up on him but I wasn't actually going to do that, it was also the alcohol talking. Kinda weird and out of nowhere for me to feel though. I did talk with him about Craig of the Creek though which I've never met anyone else that watched it.

Dinner had been Rice a Roni and Chicken strips while drinking.

Right now deep deep down I'm having thoughts like:

No one truly cares about me. If they do, I can't learn to accept it. Tomorrow I won't be as productive as I want.

All just stories. The same ones over and over.

#journal #diary #act #defusion

[babymetaldoll]

DIWK - Chapter four: "Hurt"

Words count: 13,7K

The gif is mine ✨

Warnings: Hardcore Spencer trauma. Mention of drug abuse,  torture, Criminal Minds usual case triggers. Spoilers of Season 2 E14/15 Criminal Minds.

Summary: An unsub abducts Spencer, and reader blames JJ for it.

A/N: Have you ever wished you were there to save Spencer from Tobias Hankel? I know I have. I know reader wants to... I'm dying to know what you'll think of this chapter! Sorry if it's a little too graphic, writing Spencer's POV of this episode was really hard.

Series Masterlist

Chapter one | Chapter two | Chapter three | Chapter four | Chapter five | Chapter six | Chapter seven | Chapter eight | Chapter nine | Chapter ten | Chapter eleven | Chapter twelve | Chapter thirteen | Chapter fourteen | Chapter fifteen |

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

(Y/N)'s point of view

I remember the day Emily Prentiss arrived. We had a case in Saint Louis. Two serial killers, 'cos it couldn't just be one asshole making everyone miserable. And on top of all, Hotch was confused and upset 'cos he never signed Emily's transfer to the BAU. It was like someone was trying to force her into the team, and we all thought it was weird.

We left the bullpen off to the case and left Prentiss in the office, not knowing if she actually got the job or not. I know Elle and I weren't incredibly close, but it still felt weird to think someone might join the team and try to replace her. It didn't work that way in that job. It didn't feel right at the moment.

There is something I also distinctly remember about that day: Gideon talked to me. And not only that, but he actually trusted my knowledge. We hadn't been on the best terms for a few months, so that approach meant a lot to me.

We were at the police station. Reid and I had been analyzing the letters one of the killers had sent to a journalist to find something that might help us catch him before there were any more victims. That's when JJ and Jason walked in, and he asked about our progress.

- "He only sent this to an individual, which shows he is not confident enough to initiate contact with the masses."- Spencer explained as he projected an image of the letter on the wall.

- "Emotional indicators are analyzed through slants, and you can see the shooter maintains vertical, narrow letter writing, and both are signs of repression"- I said and pointed at the image on the wall- "And the pressure, if you look closely, it's excessively heavy, which shows that he's uptight and can easily overreact."

Gideon looked at me and nodded. It was my cue to keep on talking. For once in a long time, I was feeling approved by him.

- "You got all that from his handwriting?"- JJ asked me, surprised. Reid looked at me from the other side of the room, and I could feel his smile reflecting how proud he was of me.

- "Graphology is an effective and reliable indicator of personality and behavior."

- "But my writing is always different,"- she added, and I nodded. I was waiting for that comment.

- "Yes, because it represents your emotions at the moment, just like your facial expressions parallel the way you are feeling while you are speaking."

- "What else can we know about our unsub from this?"- Gideon asked me.

- "Well, our killer uses simple statements, all first person, like "I won't be ignored," which means he's obviously tired of feeling this way. He may have a job in solitude or one that he feels strips of his identity. His work might require him to wear a uniform, something that shows absolutely no individuality, or he may be overqualified for his menial job and feels that he doesn't get the respect that he necessarily deserves."

I made a pause and waited for his words. I was giving my best, and I swear I was still hoping I could ever get Jason Gideon's blessing.

- "I think we are ready to give a profile,"- he said and nodded.

And damn, that felt good.

When we were back in Quantico, Hotch had a long and clearly awkward conversation with the section chief, Erin Strauss. She was scary. She was clearly trying to get rid of Hotch, questioning his work daily, decisions, and how he managed the team. Why? I have no idea.

It felt she forced him to accept Prentiss into the team. We were one man down after Elle left. Ok, one awesome woman down, so we definitely needed some help. And Emily was a great addition from day one.

We clicked right away. Prentiss was funny, smart, but most of all, she constantly had to prove she deserved to be there. Just like me. Gideon gave her the cold shoulder from day one, and that I could relate. The only difference was that she won him over in a few days, though. I was still trying to win that battle.

Garcia decided we needed a girl's night, and she hosted the first of many "BAU Girl Power get together." Basically, it was us at Penelope's place drinking and talking.

That first night, we updated Prentiss with everything that had happened with Elle. She wanted to know everything about us, what we did, how long we've been on the team, and how we all got along. It was sweet and fresh. After that year in the BAU, I had already learned to enjoy the sweet things in life. Like getting drunk with my work girlfriends.

- "So, does Hotch ever smile?"- Emily asked, and we all laughed at the very same time. Yes, it was getting late, and we weren't as sober as we should have been.

- "He does! he does!"- JJ assured us- "You should see him with his baby."

- "He is a dad?"- Emily was shocked. I was surprised too when I found out Aaron was married and with a baby. The amount of time he spends at work always made me feel he had zero personal life.

- "And has a beautiful wife"- JJ added- "He is always laughing when he is with her and baby Jack."

- "I guess this job can drain the happiness from your day... "- I thought out loud, but before anyone could say anything about my dark and bitter comment, my cell phone rang.

- "Hey honey bunny, everything ok?"- I stood up and walked to the kitchen. I didn't want to interrupt the girl's conversations.

- "Yes, I just wanted to make sure you were drinking enough water between drinks"- I laughed and shook my head. Only Reid could call to say such a thing. He was the sweetest friend on earth.

- "Yes, I am, don't worry. I'm not going to be hungover or drunk tomorrow. I know you are excited about the new exposition."

- "You are gonna love it!"

- "I am sure I will"- and I wasn't kidding. I loved when he dragged me to the Smithsonian or any museum for some nerdy fun.

- "Have fun with the girls."

- "What are you doing, by the way?"

- "Just reading a little, you left your complete Sherlock Holmes collection here, so I'll be solving mysteries while you get drunk."

- "Don't have too much fun without me"- he chuckled and ended the call. I smiled and walked back to the girls looking at me with a funny grin on their faces.

- "Was that your boyfriend?"- Penelope asked me, and I frowned right away.

- "No, it was Reid. He just wanted to confirm we are going to the museum tomorrow."

- "Wait"- Prentiss narrowed her brows and looked at us confused- "Reid ain't your boyfriend?"

JJ and Garcia's laughter was epical, as well as my frown. They nearly gasped for air while Prentiss and I waited until they calmed down.

- "No"- I finally answered- "Reid is not my boyfriend."

- "He is more than that; he is her work husband,"- Penelope clarified, and I turned to her with my mouth wide open, shocked.

- "What the fuck? Reid ain't my work husband. He is my best friend!!"

- "Yes, and you happen to call your best friend "honey bunny," right?"- JJ questioned, just like she had a few months before when we were alone in our room away on a case.

- "Reid is my best friend, and yes, I call all my close friends by weird pet names. You will get one too if you are lucky."

- "But I thought"- Emily continued- "I mean, he looks at you like you are his sun."

- "No, Prentiss, the only coupe in this team is the one between "chocolate thunder" and "baby girl" right here"- I pointed at Garcia, and she just blushed and covered her face.

- "My love for Derek will burn forever with the intensity of a thousand suns. I mean, have you seen that man? he was made by the gods and sent to earth just to give my existence some sense"- we all laughed at those cheesy words, though Pen was serious about them.

- "But, have you ever...?- JJ looked at her and made a pause. We were all looking at every single facial movement or behavior she might show to read her body language."

- "My relationship with my loverman could never be tainted by something as mundane as sex."

- "Like you wouldn't lick honey from that six-pack and ride that thunder."

The words just left my lips, and I blame the buzz. BAU (Y/N) would have never said that. Drunk (Y/N) would, totally.

The girls laughed until tears fell from their eyes, and I just chuckled, honestly happy to make them laugh. I had been more of the real me than I had ever actually been around them in nearly a year.

- "Hello?"- my phone rang again when I was walking out of the bathroom. And this time, it was Paul.

- "Hey babe, what are you doing?"

- "Hey, I'm..."- I looked at the girls in front of me and sighed- "I'm stuck with paperwork"- and they turned to me immediately. I could read the "What the fuck" on their faces.

- "Well, I'm at Rob's in case you feel like dropping by. We are writing a few songs."

- "I'll text you if I finish with this early, but... have fun."

- "Ok, bye"- I hung up and sighed.

- "And that was..."- Prentiss asked, frowning.

- "My boyfriend,"- I explained and grabbed another beer

- "Sure, I could feel the passion,"- Garcia joked, but I just didn't think it was funny.

I knew my relationship with Paul wasn't alright. Actually, things with Paul weren't. Period. We were done, it was apparent, but still, neither of us had said it. That relationship was just a few phone calls every once in a while, only to make small talks. When we were together, we would just watch a movie, eat something, drink a few beers, and that was it. It had been a long time since we had sex or even made out. I don't know why I didn't end it sooner. I guess I was just afraid to do it.

But I let more months pass before I actually did something.

Spencer's point of view

I'm not proud of what happened that year after Prentiss joined the team. I think that year changed me profoundly, and a part of me never fully recovered afterward.

Maybe it had to be that way, and it was something I had to go through to grow up. I guess I'm still trying to make some sense of all the misery I put my friends through. Mostly (Y/N). She was in hell with me.

A few weeks after New Year, we started working on a case. Someone was killing wealthy people in their own homes. At first, we thought there were two unsubs, 'cos one of them called 911 after killing, and you could hear them struggling and arguing. But no, it was just one.

Tobias Hankel was a delusional serial killer. He had split personalities, not two but actually three. His father, the one who tortured me. The archangel Raphael, who was trying to make God's will, killing people. And himself, who wanted to save me, but instead, he nearly destroyed me.

What do I remember about the day he kidnapped me? I remember I was stupid enough to try to catch an unsub alone, just to prove I could take care of myself on the field. Hotch sent me and JJ to talk to Hankel at his house, 'cos apparently, he might have seen the unsub months earlier. But no, he was the unsub, and neither JJ nor me could stop him.

We hid in a barn, and I was so eager to prove I could catch him; I told JJ we had to split up to cover the place. I was counting on Hotch to get there with the team sooner than they did, and before I realized it, I was in the middle of a cornfield, and Hankel was pointing at me with my own gun.

I was sure I was going to die right there. All of Hankel's personalities were struggling inside of him. I couldn't stop thinking about why I thought I could do it on my own? Why had I been a reckless asshole? Was it because I wanted to prove I was an excellent SAA? Because I wanted to impress JJ? Maybe I tried to convince myself I could do the same job my team did. I knew I wasn't the most physical person, but I had a gun. I had been trained to capture killers.

Yes, I was an asshole that day, and I've regretted everything that happened that night many, many times in the following years.

When I woke up, I was tied to a chair, and the archangel Raphael had taken Hankel's mind completely. The room was dark, and it smelled awful. He was burning fish hearts and livers, 'cos he believed it kept the devil away.

I was confused and lost. My head was spinning, and my heart was about to burst into my chest. I knew I could die any second now. Raphael wasn't the one to show mercy. That's what I had learned from all the videos Hankel had uploaded to the web. He had shared with the world every murder they had committed to show the other sinners what was going to happen to them.

- "They believe you can see inside men's minds"- Raphael looked at me with dark eyes, implying he meant Tobias and his father

- "It's not true. I study human behavior."- my voice was shaking. I knew I had never been more scared in my entire life. He took out a gun and showed me one bullet.

- "Do you know what this is? It's God's will."

Things didn't look good for me. He put it in the cylinder of the revolver and spun it. He was going to let my life to luck.

- "You don't have to do this"- I tried to talk him out of it, though I knew it wasn't going to work.

- "No go, sinners, to your God."

And he pressed the trigger.

What went through my mind the seconds that passed between having the gun pointed to my face and realizing I had lived? My mom. All I could think of was how my mom would react to the news of my death. I could never bear to hurt her like that. I couldn't die. I couldn't leave her alone.

I sighed, relieved, and bit my lips not to cry. Raphael looked at me with a blank expression and walked out of the room. I had survived for now.

I struggled with my handcuff, but it was useless. My head was killing me. I could feel the open wound on my head, still dripping blood on my temple and head. I tried to focus on the pain for a few minutes, just to make sure I was awake. It was a nightmare, and keeping myself sane and conscious under those circumstances was nearly impossible.

How was I going to get out of there alive? Did the team know where I was? I had no idea where I had been taken. I had been unconscious the whole way. It was dark, and I couldn't see much around me. I wasn't afraid of that darkness. I was more fearful of the man that left me alone, 'cos he was armed and mentally unstable. Darkness had nothing on him.

I had to focus on the things that kept me sane. The things that made me want to get out of that room alive.

- "My name is Spencer Walter Reid. I'm twenty-five years old, my mother's name is Diana Reid, I was born in Las Vegas, October 28th, 1981."

I closed my eyes and tried to think of all the things that made me happy.

- "I work at the BAU, my best friend's name is (Y/N), and she sits at the desk in front of me. Derek Morgan is the closest I've got to an older brother."

He was. He still is. You have to be close to dead to start seeing things clearly sometimes. Derek was my brother. He treated me like a kid, but a kid brother. He was always teasing me, trying to teach me how to pick up girls, trying to drag me to the gym with him. Derek was a good friend, we were very different, and I knew if we had been classmates in high school, we would probably never have talked. He was a jock, and I was a nerd. But life had brought us together. And now I couldn't think of a better friend than him.

I tried to focus on my happiest memories. My birthday came to mind. The guys had planned a Halloween-themed birthday party at the conference room of the BAU. Of course, Garcia baked a cake and (Y/N) helped her decorate it. It was incredible, 'cos it was covered with tiny gourds and skulls.

- "Frank and Mikey sent you these,"- she announced after everybody had given me their presents. I wide opened my eyes in shock 'cos I had no idea her friends knew it was my birthday or even cared about it.

- "Why?"- I had to ask.

- "'Cos they think you are amazing. They actually wanted to come over to your house and have a few beers tonight."- I opened my mouth to say something, but Derek interrupted me.

- "Pretty boy is gonna get to work hungover again."

- "Shut up"- (Y/N) and I said at the same time, making everybody chuckle. I opened the present her friends had sent me and laughed right away.

- "Lucky Doc"- I read and took out of the bag a Sports Illustrated issue with Lila Archer on the cover. My cheeks turned red immediately.

- "Frank still hasn't overcome that story. I think he will hate you forever"- (Y/N) laughed (along with the rest of the team) and gave me another present.

- "They also sent you this. They said you were going to like the man in black"- it was a Johnny Cash's vinyl- "Frank picked it. He thinks he is some sort of musical psychic that can read people's taste in music."

- "We should get together and have a few beers one of these days. I need to thank them for these."

Gideon looked at me in silence as soon as I said those words. But I didn't care if he disapproved. I was going to be (Y/N)'s friend, whether he liked it or not.

He is the closest I've had to a dad in the latest years. He cares about me, and he tries to make the best of me that he can. Yes, he can be too apprehensive. I think that's a way to put it. But only because he wants me to be the best profiler I can be.

I never thought I would end up working at the BAU. I never thought I would love the job I do as much as I do. Back when I was in college, I thought I would dedicate my life to finding a cure for schizophrenia, but I ended up hunting serial killers across the country.

And though I was about to die, I didn't regret any of the decisions that led me there.

The morning found me shaking, cold, and scared. I was in a small cabin in the woods. Just like the worst and more cliché horror movie ever made. This was my own horror movie.

- "What are you staring at, boy?"- Tobias opened the front door carrying logs for the fire. His voice had changed yet again, so I knew it wasn't the same person I had talked to the night before.

- "You are not Raphael."- I whispered, looking at every movement he did.

- "Do I look like Raphael?"- had I insulted him? I couldn't tell. He turned to the fire, and I took a deep breath, doing my best to stay calm.

- "Thank you for burning those, for keeping us safe."- I said, looking at the fish hearts and livers he was preparing to put on the fire.

- "Don't try to trick me."

- "I would never try to trick you."

- "You are a liar."

- I'm not a liar."- it was hard to stay calm and not start screaming for help or mercy, but I knew that was going to take me nowhere with him.

- "Lying is a sin."

- "I'm not a liar."- he walked closer to me, and sat right in front of me, held my leg up, and grabbed my foot.

- "This will be over quickly if you just confess your sins."

- "I am not a sinner"- I whispered again. He took off my shoe.

- "We are all sinners."- it didn't look good for me, not at all, and I knew I had to talk to him with his words with his beliefs to save my life.

- "The Lord spake unto Moses saying "Speak unto all the congregation of the children of the lord" and say unto them, ye shall be holy, for I, the Lord your God, am holy."

Hankel, this time in the personality of his father, looked at me surprised. I might have done something right, 'cos he stopped moving, and for a second, I thought it was going to be ok.

- "You know Leviticus."

- "I know every word of the bible. I can recite it for you."- but his eyes turned dark again.

- "The devil knows how to read too."

- "I'm not a devil, I'm not a devil2- I repeated, and couldn't stop shaking, 'cos my life on the hands of a sociopath.

- "I'm a man, my name is Spencer Reid, and I have a mother, and I have a father just like you, and they taught me the bible, let me recite the bible."

My voice cracked at the knowledge of what he was going to do. He stood up, still holding my foot. He was going to torture me, he was going to try to break me, and I had to be strong. I didn't know how I would find the strength, but I had to be strong.

- "Time to confess, Spencer Reid"- and without further notice, he slapped a log against my foot, making me scream in pain. It hurt from the tip of my toes until the back of my skull. I hadn't felt that kind of pain, and it was worse knowing he was just getting started. Tears started falling down my cheeks in no time.

- "Confess!"

- "I don't have anything to confess."- I whimpered and closed my eyes, 'cos I knew he was going to continue his torture. And so he did. The pain was excruciating. I was sure I was going to pass out

I tried to go to a happy place in my head, somewhere when I could hide from all that pain. It was too hard, though. It hurt too much. I kept repeating over and over again I wasn't a sinner, begging Hankel for mercy, as he shouted I had to confess.

I made an effort to think about what he might want me to say. What did he want me to confess? Which sins was he talking about? But nothing came to my mind, nothing but the pain and the fear of dying.

(Y/N)'s point of view

The second we reached Hankel's cabin, I started looking for Spencer. I had a horrible feeling about it. Morgan and I headed it to a barn with Prentiss. There was no sign of anyone. It was dark and quiet. Never a good sign.

- "Shit!"- I whispered, staring at three dead dogs and a bath of blood in front of me. There laid the body of another victim that was missing from Hankel's last attack.

- "FBI!!"- JJ shouted suddenly. She was pointing his gun to us, clearly in shock- "Don't move!!"

- "JJ, it's Morgan, (Y/L/N), and Prentiss! Don't shoot"- Derek tried to calm her down, walking towards her- "Are you hurt?"- she lowered the gun and stared at us. You could read the fear and the trauma in her eyes.

- "Tobias Hankel is the unsub,"- she whispered as Prentiss rubbed her arm sweetly, trying to comfort her.

- "Yeah, we know"- I moved towards her too and put my gun back into the holster.

- "And we thought he was just a witness"- we looked around, and JJ pointed at the dead dogs.

- "JJ, where is Reid?"- Derek asked her, but she just continued talking.

- "They completely tore her apart"

- "JJ, look at me,"- I said and held her arm carefully- "Look at me, where's Reid?"- she was shaking, and her voice was cracking. I knew she was making her best effort to pull herself together.

- "We split up. He said he was going to go in the back."

And there it was. That was the reason why I had a bad feeling all along. Derek looked at me and nodded as we read each other's minds. The two of us turned around and ran outside, leaving JJ with Prentiss, waiting for the medical team and ambulance to check on her wounds.

Gideon and Hotch were inside the cabin, looking for Hankel, but there was no one there. And there was no sign of Reid behind the barn either, in the cornfield, or anywhere in the perimeter. Reid was nowhere to be found, and I started losing it little by little. I tried to repeat myself the words Hotch had said many times during my year in the BAU: "when you are out there with the team; your mind has to be one hundred percent on the case." But the case had never included my best friend missing before.

- "Hey, is there any sign of him yet?- I asked the police chief as I reached the ambulance. He was there talking with JJ, making sure she was ok.

- "We got every one of our units on the road. He won't make it far"- I nodded and watched him walk away. I knew he thought I was talking about Hankel, but I actually meant Reid.

I turned to JJ and moved a little closer to her. Her eyes open wide, staring back at me.

- "You can't find Reid?"- I just shook my head and tried to sound as casual as I could, not to freak her out. She was still in shock. I didn't want to make it worse.

- "Not yet"

- "(Y/N)"- Derek held my arm and forced me to walk away from the ambulance.- "Reid followed him into the cornfield. It looks like somebody got dragged."

My heart stopped. Did the psychopath hurt Spencer? Did he kill him? Did he torture him? Was he hurt? Was he alive? Where was he? Derek looked at me, and I nodded. I bit my lips and took a deep breath. Hotch's words were my mantra now: "your mind has to be one hundred percent on the case."

- "Are you sure?"- we turned to the police's chief, overhearing his conversation- "We are on our way now."

- "What's going on?"

- "The sheriff down two towns over, he just gave directions to a man who fit Hankel's descriptions. It's to a motor lodge in fort bend."

- "Let's get Hotch and Gideon"- Derek held my arm and walked with me to the cabin. We had to find Reid, and we had to do it fast.

That was the worst night of my life. The first worst night of my life, to be sincere. I didn't close an eye. I went through every paper, every note, every detail in that cabin, trying to find a clue that could lead us to where Tobias had taken Reid.

I felt someone had ripped my heart from my chest. I had to think straight, and to do it, I had to keep a cold head. But as the hours passed, it became a more demanding and more challenging task to complete. I knew the whole team was suffering, but that didn't ease my pain. And I knew JJ felt guilty, but that didn't stop me from blaming her in my mind. She left him alone. I would have never left Spencer alone on the field.

- "(Y/N), you should try to get some rest."

Derek whispered as he sat on the floor next to me, where I had been sitting for the last half hour, reading Tobias's old diaries. Nothing but fear of his father, mentions of Dilaudid use, and bible transcriptions.

- "I'm ok,"- I answered and didn't even take my eyes from the pages.

- "(Y/N), I mean it"

- "I'm not going to rest if he is out there in the hands of a psychopath, Derek"- I had to bite my lips and shut the fuck up, 'cos if I said one more word, I knew I was going to burst into tears.

Morgan just wrapped an arm around my shoulders and moved me closer to him. That was the first time I let him hug me, and it felt good to know I wasn't alone in my desperation. I knew he loved Reid like a brother, and neither of us was going to stop until we found him.

- "Welcome to our nightmare"- JJ's voice broke the silence we had been into for the last hour when Hotch walked into the cabin with Penelope.

It was morning already. There were still no signs of Reid. Prentiss, Gideon, JJ, and I had been sitting at the table, reading everything we could.

- "His computer is an extension of his brain. I need you to dissect it,"- Gideon whispered to García. You could feel the concern in his voice. She just nodded in shock and turned to Derek, who held her hand and helped her get set up in the computer room.

- "So, nothing new since I left?"- Hotch asked and looked at us. I just shook my head and continued reading.

- "Well, the good thing is the guy documented practically every second of his life"- Prentiss words took me from the pages I was reading. I looked at her and raised an eyebrow. The concept of "good" was poorly used in that phrase.

- "The bad news is, we are still un-piling,"- she added and sighed.

- "From the looks of it, he hasn't left this place in years,"- JJ managed to say. She made her best effort to be useful, but she was in worse shape than everybody else. Yet, that didn't make me feel bad for her. I was mad at her and kept making my best to put it aside, 'cos my head had to be in the case.

- "He knew he could pretend to be looking for a motel and throw us off his trail,"- Emily inferred, but I shook my head as soon as I heard her.

- "No, no, no, it's more than that!"- I shook my head and took a deep breath- "Sheriff's office, 911 calls, every time he engages the police and gets away with it... he reassures himself, God's on his side. Not ours."- I added.

Gideon nodded, and we shared a moment of agreement. He was as worried as I was. I could feel it. I'm not saying the rest of the team wasn't, I'm saying Jason was as fucked up as I was, and I could sense he was having the same trouble I had making sure my head and not my sentiments were into the case.

But if anything happened to Reid, I didn't know what I was capable of doing.

At a certain point, I got sick of reading and not doing anything and decided to look around the house again if we had missed anything. Derek went along. One part of me felt he wanted to stay away from JJ too. Maybe he was as mad as I was about her leaving Reid alone. I know I couldn't blame her, but I did it anyway.

- "Guys!! I think I've got something!"- Derek yelled, and I ran over. He opened a door that led to a basement. I walked right behind him, pointing my gun and my flashlight all over. But there was no sign of Reid.

- "Tobias Hankel!!"- Morgan shouted. Someone was sitting in what looked to be a gigantic freezer- "Tobias!"- but we didn't get any response. I took a step closer and examined carefully.

- "Morgan, I think we just found Hankel's father."

Spencer's point of view

On my second night in that cabin, I met Tobias. The third personality of Hankel walked into the room, carrying what seemed to be a dead deer. He looked as frightened as I was.

- "You need to eat."

- "What's your name?"

- "Tobias."

- "Tobias, who was here before?"

- "Probably my father."

He looked at me up and down, and he immediately understood what he had done to me. It was scary how he could dissociate. Someone with multiple personality disorder is usually unaware of the other personality states and memories when an alter is dominant. In this case, Tobias knew the other personalities but considered them different persons. He didn't think they were all in his head.

- "I'm sorry if he hurt you."

He looked at me like he understood everything I had been going through. Maybe he had been through something similar when his father was alive. Perhaps he had been a victim of Hankel as well, and that's what triggered his psychopathic nature.

He walked over and took out his belt.

- "What are you doing?"- he wrapped it around my arm, and I started begging him to stop.

- "It helps"- he took out of his pocket a needle and a small bottle of what seemed to be some kind of drug.

- "Don't tell my father. He doesn't know they are here."

- "Please, I don't want it, I don't want it, please"- I cried and begged.

- "It helps. I know"- it was the last thing Tobias said before the needle found my vein.

And he was right. It helped. Every single amount of pain I was feeling disappeared. My brain shut down. Somehow, everything was ok. I never had in my entire life felt so good before.

My mind kept flashing memories of when I was a kid. I kept seeing images of the day my father left and how he called my mother crazy.

- "You are weak"- mom spit those words after he refused to take me with him. I know she said it not because she didn't want me with her, but because mom knew she was sick and wanted the best for me. And he refused.

- "I'm not weak."- I whispered as I looked at her smiling back at me.

- "I know, honey."

I don't know how long I was drugged, but when I woke up, Tobias wasn't there with me anymore. It was his father.

And the torture continued.

(Y/N)'s point of view

Gideon was trying to convince me to go out with Prentiss and JJ to see a Narcotics anonymous's contact that might give us more information about Tobias. Emily had found some flyers about it in his room, and it could be the only lead we had to find him and Reid.

- "You need to get out of this house for a while"- he whispered and tapped on my back.

I knew he wasn't the one to be loving or physical with people, less with me. But that moved me. I turned to him and my eyes watered up. I was scared, and I couldn't hide it anymore. The more hours passed, the fewer the chances were to find Spencer safe. Alive.

I felt his arms around me suddenly, holding me tight, trying to keep the pieces of me together. We were alone on the porch, and though I didn't want to fall apart, I couldn't hold it anymore.

Jason didn't say a word. He just hugged me and let me cry for a few minutes. I didn't say anything either. I actually couldn't because I was overwhelmed with everything.

- "Are you ready, (Y/N)?"

Prentiss whispered as she walked over with JJ. I turned my back at them for a second to hide the tears that kept falling down my cheeks. I knew it was a shitty thing to do, 'cos it was obvious I had been sobbing, but they gave me the courtesy of not saying anything.

- "You go, I need (Y/N)'s assistance with some diary entries"- the two of them walked away quietly, and thankfully, didn't argue with Gideon.

- "Thank you,"- I whispered and felt his hand on my shoulder one more time.

- "You are doing a fantastic job,"- he said and turned around.

I wish I could tell you that made me feel better, but instead, I just thought I had the duty to bring my friend back home safe.

It had been at least an hour since the girls left. Morgan, Hotch, Gideon, and the police chief were in the living room with me, reading. I sipped my hundredth cup of coffee and re-read the same diary entry for the third time.

- "There's something weird going on here."- I thought out loud and walked towards Gideon

- "You think?"- the police chief turned to me and raised an eyebrow, ironically.

- "No, seriously, check this out. This journal is filled with religious ramblings. He notated hour by hour: "November 15th, 3:17, if ye offer a sacrifice of peace offering unto the Lord, ye shall offer it at your own will", and it goes on and on: 5:04, 7:41, 10:22, 1:42."

I made a short pause and looked at Gideon and Hotch. They didn't get where I was going.

- "But then, it goes blank for days."

- "Maybe he got sick of writing"- I seriously hated that police chief.

- "I think I got it"- Hotch whispered- "Journal entry: "December 6th. Father is sick. He wants me to put him down. I say thou shalt not kill. He said, honor thy father. Must pray for guidance."

- "So he kills his father as an act of mercy?"- Gideon asked, knowing the answer.

- "This is two months ago. Tobias Hankel's father had been dead for four months already."

- "That's exactly it"- I murmured, thinking Tobias Hankel was way more fucked up than we thought.

- "Look at the floor"- Derek pointed at a chair and moved it- "These scuffs marks are fresh. It's like two people were pushing the chairs constantly, trying to fight for control."

- "So?"- I swear to God, that chief was driving me insane.

- "This journal matches Charles Hankel's handwriting, but it was written after he died"- I explained. Still, it felt he wasn't following me.

- "What do you mean?"

- "Upstairs, Tobias' bedroom got junk piled from floor to ceiling, but the other bedroom could pass a military inspection."

- "So, are you telling me one of Tobias' personalities was his father?"

Apparently, I had to draw a picture so the chief would get it. Fortunately, Gideon continued explaining the whole problem before I lost what was left of my patience.

- "Well, Tobias was raised with a strict religious code, black and white, right and wrong. When his father asked Tobias to kill him, something had to give."

- "His brain couldn't handle the moral contradiction, so he split into two personalities to keep his father alive."

Hotch tried to put it most easy and simple words possible.

- "So, who is Raphael?"

- "My guess, he is a mediator between the two"- Gideon nodded at my words and sighed.

- "Angels have no human emotions, live or die. They don't care, as long it's God's will."

- "We need to start profiling Tobias' father. He may be the one who chose where to take Reid."

Finally, I felt we were going somewhere.

When Emily and JJ came back, they gave us the news. Tobias was addicted to Dilaudid, which explained the fracture in his mind, and how he lived with three distinct personalities.

The police chief announced a computer store robbery, giving us some hopes that Tobias would use them to track him down.

- "Guys!! Guys!! get in here!!- I heard Derek shouting and I ran to the computer room. I felt sick in the stomach in less than a second. There he was, Spencer. My Spencer Walter Reid, tied to a chair, bleeding, shoeless. Clearly tortured.

- "He's been beating,"- I whispered, feeling my eyes water up. I would have given anything to be there instead of him.

- "Can you track him?!"- JJ yelled by my side, and I nearly smacked her. That's how sensitive I was feeling.

- "Hankel's only streaming this to his home computer."- Garcia whispered. And my heart dropped with those words.

That wasn't what I was supposed to hear. We were supposed to find him and bring him back safe.

- "This is for us"- Gideon didn't take his eyes from the screen- "He knows we are here."

- "I'm gonna put this guy's head on a stick"- Morgan was so mad I believed him. I wanted to do the same, if worse.

- "I'm gonna kill him myself as soon as we find him,"- I said and felt Aaron's hand on my shoulder as he asked Garcia

- "Why can't you locate him?"

- "He's rerouting to a different IP address every 30 seconds. I can't track him."

It knew it had to be hard if Penelope couldn't find her, but that didn't help. If anything, it made everything worse. I felt powerless. Hankel couldn't be more intelligent than us.

Spencer's point of view

- "Are you ready, boy?"- Hankel pulled my hair and forced me to look at him. I was still as high as fuck, but knew I was about to be tortured again.

- "Ready for what?"

- "My weakling son thinks God gave you to him for a reason"- if the reason was to get me into drugs, then the answer was yes.

Hankel placed a video camera in front of me.

- "Can you really see inside men's minds?"- he asked me and made a pause, pointing to three screens- See these vermin?

It took me a second to realize he was showing me images of real people. He had put cameras in those people's houses. How? When? What kind of sick game did he want me to play with him?

- "Choose one to die. I let you choose one to live."

- "No"- I didn't even think about my answer.

- "I thought you wanted to be some kind of savior."

- "You are a sadist and a psychotic break. You won't stop killing. Your word is not true."

I don't know if it was because of the drugs or because I hadn't eaten or drank any water in too long, but I was somehow resigned and tired of fighting.

- "The other heathens are watching- Hankel announced and pointed at the camera in front of me."

My eyes fixated on the camera right away. My team was watching me. (Y/N) was watching me. I didn't want to make her worry even more. I needed her to know I was ok. I know I wasn't, but I didn't want her to worry about me.

- "Choose a sinner to die, and I'll say the name and address of the person to be saved"- Hankel was sick. It was all a game, and religion was just an excuse to kill.

- "I won't get to choose who gets slaughtered and have you leave their remains behind like a poacher."

Hankel didn't like my answer, 'cos he grabbed me and pulled me up, looking into my eyes, insulted, annoyed, losing his temper.

- "Can you really see into my mind, boy?"

He was honestly scary, and it petrified me to think he could execute me right there, in front of the team, and I could never tell them how much they mean.

- "Can you see I'm not a liar?!"- he insisted. I nearly whimpered but made my best not to break- "Choose one to die and save a life. Otherwise, they are all dead."

He dropped me on the chair and turned around. It was clear he wasn't joking. I took a deep breath and nodded.

- "Alright, I'll choose who lives."

- "They are all the same"

My eyes traveled across all the monitors. It was nearly impossible to pick one person to live, knowing all the other people there would die. Hankel was sick, and I had to set a plan to escape because otherwise, I would end up dead.

- "Far right screen,"- I whispered. He turned around and nodded.

Then, he recited the name and address of the woman on the screen. I prayed for the team to find her before Hankel came after her too.

No. It wasn't Hankel this time.

- "Raphael,"- I whispered, and he nodded. I looked at the screen again. The woman we were watching picked up the phone. She was in her kitchen. He walked around, frowned, and turned to her computer. In a second, she had turned it off. My team had reached her. She was safe, I hoped.

Hankel turned the camera off and looked at me.

- "You've done your part. Now it's my turn."

I knew what that meant. It wasn't good.

He left the cabin, and all I could see were the monitors in front of me. Those people were going to die. They were going to die because I didn't pick them. I killed them. You don't need to pull a trigger to kill someone. I could never forget those words. And this time, they meant more than anytime before. I didn't press a trigger, but I had killed two innocent people. And I actually had to watch them die.

When I saw Rapahel walk into the victims' house, I tried to close my eyes and think of anything else. A part of me kept thinking he wasn't going to kill them. He just wanted to threaten me.

But not. Raphael slaughtered them.

I found myself craving whatever it was that Tobias had given me the night before. The drug in my veins had given me a kind of peace I had never felt. And I never thought I'd have either. The type of peace that can be addictive, 'cos it turns your head off. And God knows, sometimes I needed to turn my head off.

Remembering everything that has ever happened to me, especially all the awful things, wasn't a gift. It was a burden. And whatever it was that Tobias had put in my veins, it had taken that burden from my shoulders, at least for a couple of hours.

Who wouldn't want some more of that peace?

- "Reid!"- Gideon's voice took me from my thoughts. He was sitting right in front of the camera in the victim's house. He was there with Hotch and the police, investigating the crime scene.

- "If you are watching this, you are not responsible for this. You understand me? he is perverting God to justify murder. You are stronger than him. He can not break you."

I know he meant it. But I couldn't believe any of that, not after watching a family get slaughter just because I didn't pick them.

(Y/N)'s point of view

- "I thought you were going to try and get some rest,"- I said as JJ walked to me in silence. I made myself my hundredth cup of coffee, and she just showed up next to me, trying to engage in conversation, I guess.

- "Everybody else is working. I should be too."

- "We can handle it,"- I whispered and refused to look at her. I swear I was trying not to hate her, but it was getting harder and harder with every hour that passed without finding Reid.

- "It's funny, I keep thinking the one thing we need to crack this case is... well... Reid"- she chuckled, nervously and I just looked at her and nodded. I didn't even smile. I didn't move a muscle.

I didn't want to be with her, or anyone, as a matter of fact. And I wasn't going to hide it anymore. So I tried to walk away.

- "You think Reid and I should have stayed together at the barn, don't you?"

I stopped walking and looked at her. You could tell she was having a hard time facing the whole situation, and most of all, you could tell she felt guilty.

That really didn't stop me from being mad at her. I was trying to be the better woman during the investigation, but the uncertainty was getting on my nerves.

- "JJ, go get some rest,"- I tried to answer calmly, but I knew I was looking at her like she was dead to me.

- "I can tell that's what you are thinking, so..."

- "I just wanna get Spencer home safe."

- "But... if I had his back like I was supposed to do, he'd be here now"- and that was enough.

- "JJ, what the fuck do you want from me?"

- "I just...."- she was about to cry, you could tell- "I want someone to tell me the truth."

- "You want the truth? Ok, there you go: I would have never left him alone. None of this would have happened if I had been the one with him out there! 'cos I would never let anyone or anything hurt him!!"

I shouted. All the anger I had been feeling those days was finally getting off my chest. And fuck, it felt good.

- "You fucked it up, JJ, and if something happens to Spencer, I am never going to forgive you, never!"

JJ bit her lips, trying her best not to cry. But I still couldn't feel sorry for her.

- "Is that the truth you were looking for?"

- "(Y/L/N)?"- Hotch stood next to me with the most annoyed look in his eyes.

I knew I was out of line, but this wasn't about work anymore. This was personal. This was Reid we were talking about, and JJ had fucked it up. There was nothing to discuss.

- "What? You sent him with her, now she is here, and he isn't. What else is there to say?"

- "(Y/N)!"- Hotch followed me as I stormed out of the kitchen and out of the cabin- "(Y/N)! stop!"

- "What?!"- and I simply snapped- "Are you gonna suspend me for telling her the truth? Are you going to fire me for losing my shit while working a case!? Fine! I don't care! I don't give a fuck! All I care about right now is that my best friend is missing, and a fucking psychopath has him! That's all I can think of. That's all I've been thinking about for the last two days!"

I was yelling at Hotch. I was yelling at my unit chief. I was fucked. I knew he was going to fire me after that. But I couldn't help it. I was going insane. Tears kept falling from my eyes as I held my cup of coffee tight, holding onto it with my life.

- "(Y/N), we are all worried about Reid."

- "I know you are all worried. I am too, and I'm also afraid and mad and going fucking insane knowing I am standing here not knowing what to do to save him."

- "That doesn't give you the right to treat JJ like this is her fault"- I don't know if he was talking like my unit chief or like a father figure trying to end a fight between two of his kids.

- "Did she stay with Reid?"- I simply replied and looked at Hotch in the eyes- "Did she?"

- "She is not the only one who feels guilty, so do I. And I know I won't forgive myself if anything happens to Reid."

Hotch made a pause and tried to find a way to say what he wanted to say. The door opened, and Gideon walked to us. He knew what was going on, and he didn't say a thing. I was sure he had already heard everything. We weren't actually arguing quietly.

- "We are not getting any closer,"- Aaron finally said.

- "Reid is brilliant. He'll figure out how to survive"- Gideon's words were way more hopeful than my thoughts. In my mind, Reid was too scared to think of a way to escape.

- "You know, I always take advantage of Reid for his brain. But I never actually teach him how to deal with things emotionally."

Hotch whispered, and his words were filled with regret. I was filled with anger and anxiety, and I know the two of them felt the same. But they way better at handling their feelings.

- "Lead by example,"- Jason answered, probably trying to make him feel better.

- "What kind of example is that?"- I simply replied, and both of them stayed in silence.

I don't think my words helped Hotch, but I wasn't trying to do that either. I was just honest. And Hotch's emotional assistance was shit on the field. Even Gideon was better.

- "He'll make it,"- Jason reassured us and nodded- "Now stop arguing and go back to work."

Spencer's point of view

I was glad when Tobias came to me that night with a needle in his hand and put the drug into my vein. I needed some release after watching a family die 'cos I didn't save them.

- "I'm sorry I had to leave"- he excused himself, preparing the drug next to me.

- "You can leave again, and you can take me with you,"- I begged in a soft voice.

- "My father would be angry,"- he replied and didn't even look at me. This time, I didn't even argue when he wrapped the belt around my arm. I was even a little eager he'd do it faster.

- "Not if he can't find us."

- "He always finds me."

- "If you tell me where we are, my friends will come, and they'll save us."

He gave me a look, mixed with horror and resignation. It broke my heart to think for a moment of all the horrors that lead Tobias to be as sick as he was.

- "We can't be saved,"- he simply replied.

- "We can, we can, I promise. If you tell me where we are, I'll save us both."

- "Listen to me. It's not worth fighting."

Somehow, I understood why he said that. I was afraid and shaking but still did my best not to think of all the pain I was in, of the terror that haunted me day and night.

- "Tell me it doesn't make it better- he said and showed me the needle."

I couldn't say no, 'cos he was right. It did. The drugs made his horrible situation bearable. I could understand why someone decided to use something to avoid the pain. I had faced all and each one of the pain and horrors in my life sober. It was time life was a little bit sweeter, in a sick way.

I remembered being twelve. Mom had had one of her episodes the day before, she was in bed, and I woke her up. I walked into her room and opened the curtains. It was already five in the afternoon, and she still refused to get out of bed.

- "The doctor says you need to get out of bed,"- I argued when she repeated she was just resting.

- "I've been reading"

- "He says you need exercise"- she sighed and tried to make a joke.

- "That's because his idea of good literature is Our bodies, ourselves."

- "Well, he is your doctor."

- "He is a neanderthal"- I gave up and started walking out of the room. She just laid in bed and looked at me.

- "Where are you going?"

- "I'm going to see if Jeff wants to play"- Jeff was our next-door neighbor and my only friend growing up.

- "Come here. Let me read to you."

I know Garcia made fun of me when I said my mother used to read me Valentine's sonnets when I was a kid. Most people think I have a weird relationship with mom, but they don't understand what it was like growing up with her. They don't know what it was like for a twelve-year-old boy to finish high school, facing bullies. Handling the pressure of being a kid genius and the fact I had to take care of a schizophrenic mother.

How come I didn't start using drugs earlier?

I remember that afternoon I sat next to my mother, and she made me pick one of the many books she had with her on the bed. I choose Proust. I knew she loved it. I loved it as well.

"For a long time, I used to go to bed early. Sometimes, when I had put out my candle, my eyes would close so quickly that I had not even time to say, "I'm going to sleep."

I can still hear her voice, reading to me. Both of us avoided reality for a while, hiding in the books. I always do it regardless. I hide in the books to forget. I hide in knowledge to avoid acknowledging the real personal issues I have. I hide in my work saving people when no one ever saved me.

I work catching psychopaths when I know I might actually have a mental issue myself. I might end up just like mom, and it frightens me so much; there are many nights I can't even close an eye. If I get sick too, then no one will take care of her. I am the only one in her life. And she is the only one in mine.

She and (Y/N), but there is no way my best friend would ever take care of me if I got sick. Not because she wouldn't want to do it, but because I would never let her. I don't want to be a burden in her life. And she would hate me, I know. And I could never live in a world where (Y/N) hates me. Not then, not now.

(Y/N). She is the best thing that happened to me in the BAU. Yes, I had a family with my team, but she was different. She was my life. She was the reason why I smiled. She was the one person that made me feel I was important to someone. I knew the rest of my friend loved me, but I loved her.

That was it. I loved (Y/N). And I was scared I was never going to see her again.

(Y/N)'s point of view

I was standing next to Penelope. She kept trying to force me to eat. She knew I was living on coffee, but I just couldn't swallow anything. She held my hand as the two of us stared at the screens, hopefully waiting for Hankel to make contact again.

- "Any more signs of Reid?"- JJ walked over to us slowly and looked at me, afraid I might snap on her again. I just shook my head and sighed, doing my best to be nice to her.

- "He just posted the last murder online."

- "It had over 17 thousand hits in the first twenty minutes,"- Penelope added, and her voice was so full of revulsion. It was clear she couldn't handle the horror in the human mind.

- "I want to see it,"- JJ said, and I frowned, confused.

- "No, you don't,"- Garcia answered and looked at me- "Come on, munchkin, just eat one cookie, please."

- "Don't tell me what I want and don't want!"- JJ's tone shocked us both. She was severe and angry. She was rude at Penelope, and for a second, I almost snapped again.

- "If I can't watch this..."- JJ whispered and glued her eyes on the screen- "I have no business being in the field."

She looked at me when she was done talking, and for once during those awful days, I felt some kind of compassion for her. She had to be feeling like shit, no doubt, and no matter how mad I was at her, she was still my friend, and I didn't want her to suffer either.

- "JJ, it's not a competition,"- I tried to say in the softest voice possible.

- "I... I need to see it."

- "If you stop being affected by things, you lose parts of yourself, you know."

It was somehow ironic that I was the one saying those things. Me of all people in that team. Me, the one who was afraid the most of losing herself in work.

- "Show me"- she finally looked at Garcia, ignoring my words, and Penelope pleased her. She pushed play and simply said

- "I won't watch this with you."

García held my hand, walking me out of the room, leaving JJ alone in the room. She sighed and wiped the tears that started falling down her eyes.

- "I don't know how you do it either"- she whispered- "I don't know how you watch those things every day and don't go insane."

- "If it makes you feel better, I don't know how I do either, and it scared me to think my heart might be numbing with each case we solve. With every psychopath we catch."

- "We are gonna find him"- she assured me and held my hands tight- "We are bringing him home safe, I swear."

- "Let's go find Gideon,"- I said, nodding at her words- "He needs to know Tobias posted the last murder."

Jason was mad, beyond furious. He was losing it. Derek and Prentiss kept trying to crack Hankel and discover where he had taken Reid. Meanwhile, Garcia, Gideon, and I made our best to take the video of the murder from the web.

- "I have a list of everyone from the file-sharing chain. I could send out a mass warning that the video is actually a virus,"- Garcia said and started typing as fast as possible. I just stared at the screen, waiting for something, anything to happen.

But I wasn't waiting for what came next.

- "Confess your sins"- Hankel's voice made me jump, and the sight of Reid, still tied to that chair, bleeding, and being tortured, broke my heart again.

- "Confess!!"- that sick psychopath shouted and hit him.

- "I haven't done anything,"- Spencer sobbed, but it was useless. Hankel kept punching him, over and over again, even when my best friend begged for mercy.

I felt Jason hold my hand as I was holding Garcia's. The three of us felt powerless, useless, angry, and scared, all at the same time. I couldn't bear to watch Reid being tortured, but at the same time, I was so glad he was still alive.

That until Hankel beat him so hard, he pushed him back in the chair, and Reid started convulsing.

- "He is killing him,"- Penelope cried, and I closed my eyes, biting my lips. Spencer was choking, and that mother fucker just stood there, watching him die.

- "That's the devil vacating your body"- he spit those words as Reid simply passed out. I didn't know if he was dead. I didn't know if he was going to make it. Shit! I didn't know anything.

I let go of Jason and Penelope and stormed out of the room. I was unprofessional, and I knew it, but I knew I would quit if anything happened to Reid. I wasn't going to stay working at the BAU if Spencer died.

- "Are you ok?"- Derek grabbed my arm. I just broke into tears and held him tight. He wrapped his arms around me and let me cry.

- "He's dying! We can't find him!!"- I sobbed against his chest.

- "(Y/N)! (Y/N)!"- I heard Penelope yelling as we all rushed back to the computer room. Hankel was giving CPR to Reid, trying to bring him back to life.

- "Come on, come on, please,"- I begged as I watched him pushing his chest over and over again until Spencer woke up, gasping for air.

- "Thank God!"- Hotch sighed and rubbed his hands against his face. The whole team let out a breath of relief simultaneously, and I kept watching Reid. His opened eyes gave me hope.

- "Wait,"- Prentiss said suddenly- "When was the video of the last murder posted?"

- "Nine thirty"- Penelope answered

- "And when was the time of death?"

- "The 911 call came in at 9:04, and the murder must have been moments later."- Hotch added and didn't even turn to look at Prentiss. We were all still shocked looking at the screen.

- "That's just a 19 minutes difference,"- I said and turned to García- "How long would it take to post that file?"

- "Two or three minutes."

- "Let's call it two,"- I said, getting excited- "You figure a maximum of 60 miles an hour in a residential area. That means Hankel has to be within a 17-mile radius of the crime scene."

For a second, I felt I was rambling facts just like Reid would. It made me miss him even more.

- "García, can we see it on the map?"- Aaron whispered. He was clearly affected, and it also made me feel selfish, knowing I had made a tantrum with the whole team, forgetting they were suffering as well.

- "Call chief Farraday"- Jason commanded as soon as we saw the map of the area on the screen- "I want that area locked down like it's martial law."

JJ stood up and grabbed her phone but didn't make the call. García warned us something was going on with Reid and all of us stared at the screen in silence.

Spencer was on his back on the floor, still tied to a chair. It was clear he wasn't fully conscious of what was happening.

- "You came back to life,"- mother fucker Hankel said, spitting the words in anger.

- "Raphael,"- Reid whispered, recognizing one of his personalities.

- "There can be only one of two reasons."

- "I was given CPR,"- my friend whispered, but it was clear that wasn't one of the psycho's options.

- "There are no accidents. How many members of our team are watching us right now?"

- "Seven."

- "The seven angels who had the seven trumpets prepared themselves to sound. The first sounding followed hail, and they were thrown to the earth."

- "He thinks it's the revelations"- Hotch explained- "The seven archangels versus the seven angels of death."

I didn't know much about religion, but it didn't take a genius to figure out he didn't believe we were the good guys.

- "Tell me who you serve."

- "I serve you,"- Reid answered right away. His voice was a whisper. He had to be exhausted.

- "Then choose one to die"

- "What?!"

- "Your team members, choose one to die"- I knew what he was going to answer at that, and I didn't want to hear it.

- "Kill me,"- he replied immediately, and I closed my eyes, unable to watch what would happen next.

- "You said you weren't one of them."

- "I lied."

- "Your team has seven other members. Tell me who dies."

- "No"- Penelope gasped, and Prentiss cursed. I opened my eyes and nearly fainted. Hankel had a gun pointed against Reid's forehead.

The silence amongst the team was unbearable. Neither of us knew what to do. We were all panicking, praying, desperate.

- "Choose and prove you'll do God's will."

- "No."

Neither of us moved. Neither of us breathed until Hakel pulled the trigger, and no bullet came out. I nearly sigh, but it wasn't over.

- "Choose"- he repeated

- "I won't do it"- Hankel didn't even wait. He just pulled the trigger, and we all jumped at the same time. He was safe again.

- "Life is a choice."

- "No,"- Reid repeated once again. And Hankel pulled the trigger for the third time.

- "Choose"- and for the first time, Spencer made a pause. Was going to pick one of us to die?

- "I choose"- the whispered- "Aaron Hotchner."

Derek and I looked at him, and his pale face didn't move a muscle.

- "He's the classic narcissist. He thinks he's better than everyone else on the team. Genesis 23:4 "Let him not deceive himself, and trust in emptiness, vanity falseness, and futility, for these shall be his recompense."

Hotch stormed out of the room as Hankel pulled the trigger one more time and shot the wall.

I felt I was going to puke. If Reid hadn't picked one of us, he would be dead.

- "For God's will,"- the mother fuck said, as he put another bullet in the gun after removing the casing.

I couldn't look anymore. I followed Gideon and Derek to find Aaron going through all Tobias's diaries on the table.

- "I'm not a narcissist,"- he said as soon as he saw us.

- "Come on. Look, you can't think anything from that"- Jason tried to calm him down, in case he was somehow affected by what Reid had just said on camera- "He is not in his right mind, Hotch."

- "No, stop, stop. Alright, everybody, right now: what's my worst quality?"

He had to be kidding. We all stared at him, muted, lost in that conversation. What was his point? Neither of us said a word. We just looked at each other, confused and awkward.

- "Ok, I'll start. I have no sense of humor."

- "You are a bully,"- JJ added.

- "You can be a drill sergeant sometimes,"- I said, and he nodded.

- "Right."

- "You don't trust women as much as men"- you could feel it in Prentiss's voice. That one was personal.

- "Ok, good. I'm all these things, but none of you said that I ever put myself above the team because I don't, ever. Reid and I argued about the definition of classic narcissism, and he knew that I would remember that. He also quoted Genesis chapter 23, verse 4. Read it."

Hotch gave me the book. He wasn't even breathing as she spoke. He was in a hurry. We were all.

- "I'm a stranger and a sojourner with you. Give me property, forbear a place among you that I may bury my dead of my sight."

- "He wouldn't get it wrong unless it were on purpose."

- "He is in a cemetery."- I said and looked at him. He nodded, and I swear to God, I saw a slight smile on his lips. That smile was hope. We were getting closer.

Spencer's point of view

I took a sip of water. I hadn't drunk in days, and my throat burned. I was still a little lost, still a little off.

- "Tobias, is that you?"- I saw him nod, sitting next to me. He moved the cup of water closer so that I could drink some more.

- "Thank you,"- I whispered and looked at him- You saved my life- he stared down at the ground and finally whispered

- "I'm sorry."

- "Why?"

- "He'll win in the end."

It was sad to see Tobias Hankel's good person locked inside a sick mind that also held a psychopath like his father.

- "Tobias, I need to know something. It's important. Are we in a cemetery?"- and he nodded. I smiled at him and sighed, relieved. Help was coming. My team was coming.

- "I used to come here to get high."

- "I was right."

- "No one bothers you here. I never told anyone about it."

He wrapped his belt around my arm, and I turned to him, still smiling. I didn't know if I were happy I was right or glad I would get high again. Maybe both. Maybe the second 'cos the minute that needle got to my vein, that sweet, sweet release felt like a bath of joy that washed away any pain, regret, or guilt I could have ever felt.

Guilt. I've had my share of that. I remember the day I had my mom admitted to the hospital. She hadn't eaten in days. She wouldn't take care of herself, and they're just so much I could do. I wasn't able to keep her safe from herself, from her mind.

- "What are these men doing here?"- she asked me as I walked with two nurses into the study. She was writing and reading. It was all she did, preparing lectures for classes she didn't have to give, in imaginary campuses.

I stood in front of her and hesitated for a second. It was the hardest thing I had ever done, telling mom I was taking her away from her own house.

- "They are from the hospital. They are here to help,"- I whispered and looked at my mother's confused expression. She was so thin. She looked so sick. I felt so guilty I couldn't do better for her.

- "I don't need help, and you can't be here without permission, tell them, Spencer."

She looked down at her books again and tried to continue writing. I took a deep breath, I knew I would break her heart, but there was nothing else I could do.

- "I called them"- she looked at me in pain. Deep, honest pain. Like I had just shattered her heart. Which I had done.

- "Spencer"- she simply whispered and stared into my eyes, begging for an explanation. I was trying my best not to cry. I had a whole speech prepared. I was going to tell her how much I loved her. I was going to explain to her how good it was for her to be in a place where someone could continuously take care of her. I had facts and statistics, but all I managed to say was:

- "I'm doing this for you."

And I felt like a liar. 'Cos, there was a part of me that was doing it for myself too.

- "This isn't legal"- she shook her head in shock and kept trying to find a good explanation to what was going on.

- "Your son is eighteen, ma'am. He can act in your welfare,"- one of the make nurses explained to her.

- "You need help,"- I said and prayed she could understand. But she just burst into tears and begged.

- "I wanna stay here!"

- "I'm... sorry, mom."

- "Please, these are my things, this is my life..."

Those men took her. They took her from her house and put her in a hospital. No. I put her there. I put my mom in a hospital so I could live my life, 'cos I am selfish and couldn't take care of her anymore.

- "Spencer, please, don't do this to me."

Those were the words that haunted me day and night. And my mother's crying face, begging me not to take her from her own house.

What kind of a son am I? I did that to her. I put her in a mental place 'cos I couldn't deal with her disease anymore. 'Cos I didn't know how to take care of her.

- "What are you sorry for, boy?"- I heard Hankel ask when I woke up. I was muttering, "Sorry" as I came back from my trip.

- "I sent her away."

- "Who."

- "My mom. I couldn't help her."

- "Is that a confession?"- I nodded and looked around, confused. Lost. High- "You know the bible. Exodus 21:17"

- "And he that curseth his father or his mother shall surely be put to death,"- I whispered, scared and full of regret.

I heard him walk towards me. He kneeled and uncuffed me. I didn't know what was happening. Honestly, I was still too high to get what was going on around me.

- "Grab a shovel,"- he commanded and walked outside.

I was too weak to dig fast. I don't know how I was actually moving, but I was digging my own grave. I never thought I would ever end up doing such a thing. It's not something you think about, actually. Not unless you work in the BAU. Here, you start analyzing and considering the way you'll die: 'Cos you could, every day.

- "I ought to bury you alive in there, give you some time to think about what you've done,"- Hankel said and looked at me while I worked, playing with a knife.

- "I know what I've done."

- "Don't talk back to me! Dig!"

I pant and kept moving, very slowly, trying to buy myself some time too. I was sure the team was coming to get me any minute now. I was counting on them, though the more I thought about it, the less worthy of salvation I felt. Maybe I deserved to die after all.

I was almost certain I had seen some lights moving in the back. Flashlights. But it could be my mind playing tricks on me. I was too tired. And still too high, too.

- "Dig faster!"- he commanded me as I moved, losing my breath.

- "I'm not strong enough"- I cried, 'cos I felt like that. Like a failure, a child that aimed to be a grown-up and failed miserably. A bad son. The worst agent. A fake that deserved to die.

- "You are all weak!! Get out of there!"

Hankel took off his coat and left it on the ground. I slowly moved so he could dig for me, but the lights in the back took my attention, and he noticed. As soon as he turned around, I quickly grabbed his coat and reached out for the gun.

- "You've only got one bullet, son,"- he said as he looked at me. And I just pulled the trigger.

I shot him. I killed him. Hankel. Raphael. Tobias. I freed Tobias. Or at least, that is what I wanted to think.

- "Reid!!"- I heard (Y/N) yelling as I crawled to Tobia's body. He was still awake. He was himself.

- "You killed him"- he said, and he was relieved- "Do you think I'll get to see my mom again?"

- "I'm sorry,"- I whispered, and he was gone.

- "Reid!!"

(Y/N) yelled and ran over. She kneeled next to me and held me in her arms. I couldn't move, because for a few seconds, I couldn't believe she was real. She was there.

- "Honey, honey, are you ok? Can you hear me?"- she said, and tears started falling from her eyes- "Honey, it's me."

I just looked at her and hugged her. I hugged her as my life depended on it. There she was, next to me, finally.

- "I thought I was never going to see you again,"- I whispered and sobbed.

The urge to kiss her filled my whole body. I needed to taste her. I needed to show her how much I had needed her those days. But I knew I couldn't.

I didn't want to let her go. I didn't for a few minutes. I just hold onto her for my sanity. She kissed my forehead, cupping my face with both hands.

- "I'm so happy to see you. I'm glad you are ok... let's go to the ambulance, ok?"- I nodded but didn't let her go. I felt I could hold her forever. I wanted to keep her close for as long as I lived.

But the rest of the team gathered around us, and I wanted to thank them too. I needed to thank Hotch. So as soon as I let (Y/N) go, I wrapped my arms around him.

- "You alright?"- he asked me.

- "I knew you'd understand,"- I managed to say with tears falling from my eyes and a knot in my throat.

For a moment, I thought I was never going to see the team again. My family.

JJ held me close and apologized. I knew she felt guilty for leaving me alone, but I was the only one culpable for what had happened. I wanted to prove myself, and all I managed to do was prove I was a fool. A useless SSA.

- "It's alright, it wasn't your fault,"- I said and did my best to smile at her. But I know I failed. Gideon grabbed my arm and nodded.

- "Let's get you out of here."

- "Please,"- I whispered before we started walking- "Can I have a second alone?"- he looked at me and nodded, looking at Tobias' body lying by our side. He walked away, and I kneeled next to my capturer.

But instead of paying my respects, instead of cursing. Instead of anything, I took the Dilaudid bottles from his pocket and put them into mine.

And that's how the real hell started.

--

DIWK Taglist:

@all-tings-diego @big-galaxy-chaos @svveet-peas @muffin-cup @shilohpug

Spencer taglist

@calm-and-doctor

General Taglist

@spenxerslut @ash19871962

–

Do you want to be on the taglist or ramble about this chapter with me? Just send me a message here.

Next update: May 5th, 2021

#Spencer Reid #criminal minds #spencer reid fanfic #babymetaldoll writes #cm fanfic #criminal minds fanfic #Emily prentiss #Aaron Hotchner #jennifer jareau #derek morgan #penelope garcia #emily prentiss #babymetaldoll edits #criminal minds fanfiction #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid fanfiction

[hiimsociallyawkward]

aithusia

hi bestie @lady-ofmagic-andstars it's been a while. i said i would do this episode last week but i had to wait for the destiny and chicken podcast to come out so here we are. basically, all of my thoughts while watching aithusia.

ugh the opening scene. i actually love it

ok ngl i remember that this guy is the bad guy but he's like 🥵🥵🥵 jeez

ik it's not just on tiktok but that tiktok where it goes 'but momma i'm in love with a criminal'

wow nice key bud

ok him running in the forest is just like you cannot outrun your demons and i thought that was so funny

smh he's so violent but he's so pretty :,)

ok but how old is this guy?? he say it's taken 20 years of his life. why 20? is that because that's when the 'last' dragon died out?? and at what age was he socially concious enough to recognize the implication of what it means to have a dragon? his is so dumb but probably like 15? so this guy is 35ish? idk man thoughts?

ok if he just feel off the cliff instead of being able to pull himself up we would've saved ourselves a lot of trouble i'm just saying druids.

ok this is so pretty. my thoughts are like 25% me singing show tunes, 25% thinking of actual merlin things, 50% thinking about how pretty everything is

merlin is such a light sleeper. idk why that's important but he wakes up ALL the time

✨gaius is the worst ✨

ok colin's eye looked so good in this scene

aLASFLJDFA MERLIN AND HIS SOCKS

stop i literally dress like this

i love his sleep clothes. it's such a vibe

aw merlin saying 'save the dragons is so cute' omg it reminds me of the vsco girls and saving the turtles HAHA

i love how equal merlin and kilgharrah feel here

asjflsjdasjdfl like ik this is the point but i love that merlin's inherited his father gift and he's always going to remember him. not that merlin would forget his father but idek

aw kilgharrah is like 'i beg you' ok now that i think abt it maybe it's slightly manipulative but it's also really not

ok actually i don't know how many time merlin uses this scene but i guess i'm keeping track now. but look how pretty

wow the rising sun 🤪

OH HAHA THIS IS WHERE MERLIN CARTWHEELS??

literally merlin just breaks in everywhere

merlin seems so earnest about wanting to see the dragons. i want to see the dragons too please

omg HAHA the woodworm is this episode??

WHY IS MERLIN STILL SEARCHING AFTER ARTHUR TURNS AROUND WHAT?

this is a side note but i love arthur's key holder thingy it's actually pretty.

stop right now why is merlin using his magic to PANTS arthur

ok i'm pretty sure that agravaine is only in this episode this one time, and yk it's the little victories

i'm actually embarassed for arthur and merlin here. i don't like it at all

HOW DOES MERLIN DO THE HANDSTAND?? that's the one part i like

ok my question is how is he supposed to know where the last piece of the triskeleton is??

SECOND QUESTION WHY IS HE JUST STANDING IN THE VAULT WHEN HE SHOULD BE RUNNING

lasflkajsdljsad omg the betrayal. ouch my heart

these scene are just like. it's actually art

ok how did merlin stay there all night and no one saw him?? literally camelot guards need to step up

omg no not merlin zooming

sklfja;lsdkjfasdlfs amerlin and the cup

i love how long merlin and arthur look at each other before arthur reacts

lsjfa;lksdsl woodworm omg and the fact that arthur believes that merlin is this chaotic is so funny

HAHA THIS SCENE GAIUS LITERALLY YELLING AT MERLIN

i think this is the funniest thing because gaius is like 'don't people about your magic' while YELLING ABOUT MERLIN'S MAGIC

ok that's a good point gaius we don't know what borden's intentions are

alsdjfalsd stop why didn't they wait for merlin :,(. this reminds me of when you're in highschool and you're finishing lunch and as you pack up everyone is leaving you??????

ok but i love that merlin rides in front with arthur. like- of course he does

merlin being observant 😍😍

i want to go horse riding now

STOP I DON'T LIKE THIS

THIS KNIGHT/DINNER GAG IS NOT FUNNY TO ME. NOT IN THE SLIGHTLEST. THERE'S THIS FIC by @a-small-batch-of-dragons. i literally spent like 10 minutes looking for it because i had to include it here

this scene just.. i don't like it. i never have and i never will

like- who decided that putting this scene in here would be good. no thanks

the knights sleeping in a circle and merlin sleeping on the outside. idk bro that made me a little sad

but also. i want a cloak please. i think i'm just going to say i want a cloak every episode

ok i chuckled at the interaction of 'ever herd of the word sorry?' and 'no is it a word you made up?'

dude don't ask why but i love it when people walk through waterfalls

i don't know why arthur looked so stupid when he was doing it though

i love the nature of it all

yes merlin, you start walking toward the castle first

aw i love the knights working together. like, i know they work together- they're knights, but we love to see it

merlin and his sharp eyes again :,))

why are they making camp it's literally not even dark yet 😭😭

oh great another dinner gag. please stop. i dislike this immensely

wow i love that merlin can heal them. i also think it's surprising because merlin sucks at healing things but yk.. ✨plot✨

this looks like the type of building teens would either be convinced is haunted and try to stay the night there or the type of building that all teens would go to to take pics for the #gram

ok is borden dead here or..

yes i'm putting both of these picture here. who's going to stop me

just kidding it's three

ok so not dead

ok this is not meant to be creepy but colin has nice hands

borden is a creep please go away now

merlin use your ✨magic ✨ please

YES. tell him you're the last dragonlord. i stan. YES HIM AND HIS MAGIC

you better run boy

ok how he manages to get out of the castle is astounding

HAHA there was some CGI that fell and i laughed so hard because it looked so fake

LITERALLY. THE PRETTY CASTLE SCENE IS HERE AGAIN. PRETTY CASTLE SCENE COUNTER; 3

omg merlin getting excited about the egg is actually so precious

both of their faces here are SO precious.

oasfasldfjasl idk why but whenever merlin walks across with the eggs i have this feeling he's going to faceplant and drop it for the comedic effect but i'm glad that never happens

bruh 'back where it belongs' like yes that makes sense but also that doesn't make sense

dude

it's been a full moon for like 4 days now..??????

omg i actually love aithusa

tbh, i DO NOT know how to pronounce her name

why is she actually the cutest thing ever.

AW MERLIN CRYING

i love it when merlin cries, but not in a sadistic way yk? it's more the fact that he's allowed to cry

ok i have a few dragon fics that i love but the only one i can think of right now is Returning the Favor by CaffeinatedFlumadiddle it's actually perfect

there are so many more that i love but i can't think of them but also- PLEASE REC YOUR FAVE DRAGON FAMILY DOMESTIC FICS PLEASE AND THANK YOU

anyways. i'll be back tomorrow to rant more about the darkest hr pt 2 so i'll see you then! also let me know if you want me to stop tagging you @lady-ofmagic-andstars because otherwise i will literally tag you in everything :,)

#merlin #merlin bbc #colin morgan #emrys #bradley james #gwaine #lancelot #arthur pendragon #king arthur #guinevere #morgana #elyan #percival #leon #gaius #uther #angel coubly #katie mcgrath

[sicjimin]

Hi! I've been here for quite long times, i enjoy reading sickfic but never make one by myself. So, I want to give it a try? 😅 I'm sorry if this comes out confusing since English is not my first language and I'm not sure about my grammar skills.

Hope you like it ☺

TW: emeto, graphic description of vomiting

Seokjin brushed his hair back as he let out a nauseated huff. His stomach had been rolling and gurgling for the last two hours when he woke up and he’d felt worse and worse as time went on. He has been leaning over the toilet since then, a little portion of his breakfast has made its way out from his stomach but he still feels bad.

He squeezes his eyes shut as a wave of sickness crashed over him.

His tongue lifted in a quiet gag.  He quickly leaned over the toilet, folding his arms tightly across his sore stomach. A long croak came from deep in his throat, and a watery stream of vomit briefly flowed out of his mouth.  He closed his eyes to avoid looking at it billowing away in the water. Another cramp hits him right away, made Seokjin double over even more, and a strangled retch brought up a round of thicker puke.  Chunks plopped into the water in rapid succession. After that, it's like he's getting no rest since his stomach is so eager to let everything out. He's pretty sure his dinner, even his breakfast yesterday makes its way to spill from his mouth. When the first round over, he takes a quick breath.

"Hyung?"

"Yes?"

"Are you okay, hyung? You've been there for an hour" Seokjin can hear Yoongi's voice laced with concern. It's just a matter of time until he decided to break the door and check up on Seokjin himself.

"I'm f-" Seokjin didn't manage to muster a proper answer as a new wave of nausea hits him and he doubled over again, A thick stream of puke is drained from his body like a faucet, filling the toilet halfway with a sickening sound, the puke piling up and up, left Seokjin panting after that. He flushed the toilet and walk to the sink. Trying to refresh himself even though he knows he looks like shit now. His lips lost it's colors and his cheeks brimmed with tears that slip during the episode he had.

Seokjin opens the door and meets the worried eyes of Yoongi. He smiles softly. "I'm fine Yoongi-chi, I woke up nauseous and i think it's just the last dinner didn't agree with me. But i'm okay now"

Seokjin completely know that he can't fool Yoongi with that. and he also knows that he's nowhere between 'Okay' because he still can feel his stomach churning. But he hopes that the younger gonna let this matter go because he didn't want to be a burden. He's the oldest after all.

"You're sick, aren't you?" Yoongi asks.

Seokjin shakes his head. He can't answer with a proper "No" because he already can feel saliva filling his mouth. But shaking his head is another worst decision because the room is tilting now. He almost lost his balance if Yoongi didn't have fast reflexes and catch him.

"Hyung!" Yoongi eyes go wide when he sees Seokjin's legs gave up. "Let's get you to the bed, you're totally sick"

"No .. Yoongi, I'm so nauseous i think i'm going to puke again" Seokjin mumbles weakly. Covering his mouth with one hand, trying to keep his stomach content down as he speak.

"Wait, shit. okay" Yoongi is clearly panicking now. He never sees the oldest being this weak. He guided Seokjin back to the bathroom. Seokjin hurrying himself to open the lid as his body lurched forward. He closed his eyes again and hung onto the toilet seat as his body shook with a violent heave.  Thick torrents of vomit showered into the water. Seokjin paused, belched loudly, and threw up some more.

“That’s it,” Yoongi soothed.  "Get rid of it all.“

Seokjin rocked with shuddering retches as clear bile spills from his mouth and splashed noisily into the toilet.

This round was more intense than the first, but over more quickly.

At last the heaving tapered off, leaving Seokjin exhausted but feeling slightly better.  Yoongi brought him a cup of water to rinse his mouth and flushed as he spits it back out.

"I'm tired Yoongi" Seokjin mumbled weakly, clearly exhausted.

"I know hyung, let's get you to bed and try to eat some soup. So your stomach won't be empty and you can take some medicine to make you feel better, okay?"

Seokjin just nods tiredly since he didn't have any energy left. The thought of getting something to eat already makes his stomach protest but he knows he needs to do it if he wants to feel better tomorrow. They have a schedule tomorrow, he can't be sick that long.

Seokjin dozed off and just a slip away to sleep when Yoongi come back to their room with a bowl of soup and some medicine. He manages to get down 5 spoons of soup and his medicine. Yoongi is okay with that too, he can make Seokjin eat something again in few hours.

"Do you want to watch movies or just sleep hyung?"

"Lets watch some movies, i dont think i can sleep"

Yoongi nods and slips beside Seokjin, choosing some movies they both can watch. It's just 15 minutes into the movie when he can hear steady breathing from Seokjin. He fell asleep. Yoongi just smiles at the sight and hoping that the older will feel better once he wakes up. It really breaks his heart to see a cheerful Seokjin just has no energy like this. Yoongi decided to not leave the bed and just playing mindlessly with his phone.

Seokjin wakes to Yoongi curled up on the his side with his own blanket. He’s wrapped in it and staring at the TV with his mouth open lazily. He wasn’t sure what had woken him, only that his sleep had come to a very sudden end. After few minutes of regaining consciousness, he's aware of nausea that pooled in his stomach as it sloshed and roiled beneath his touch. He sat up slowly, trying hard not to jostle himself too much.

"Hyung? You gonna be sick again?"

Seokjin nods as he scrambles to let himself out of blanket and run to the bathroom. The soup and the medicine he digests earlier are now being flushed from the toilet. Yoongi stays by his side, trying to give some comfort as he's busy clearing his stomach content.

Seokjin was certainly sick. He can't keep anything down and keep feeling nauseous the whole day. Negative thought has been clouding himself that night after he trying to get a few bites of crackers down. What if he still sick tomorrow? He can't mess up with the schedule. He didn't want to be a hassle to the group.

Seokjin was too caught up in his mind and get startled by Yoongi's voice.

"Just sleep hyung, i can hear your mind running from here"

Seokjin giggles and drifting himself to sleep, hoping that he will feel better by tomorrow.

Morning comes, and Seokjin is doomed. He woke up to another wave of nausea crashed over him.

"Shit " The bug still won't leave his body and they have schedule today. Seokjin tries to control his breathing, so he didn't need to be in the bathroom this morning and he can convince Yoongi that he feels better. He wants to go to the schedule. He doesn't want to make them reschedule just because he's sick. So, Seokjin pulls himself from the bed and makes his way to the kitchen —just like he usually does, so the members will believe that he's already feeling better, even though he's not. He's in the midway of making himself chamomile tea, determined that it will be his breakfast and it will help his rolling stomach to feel better, when Yoongi make his way down.

"Hyung? what are you doing here? Are you already feeling better?"

Its adorable to hear Yoongi's voice that still thick with sleepiness. His eyes don't even fully open yet. Seokjin giggles at the sight. "Yes i'm feeling better Yoongi-chi, thank you"

"You're saying the same yesterday yet you almost fainting in front of me. I don't believe you hyung" Seokjin catches a slight tease in Yoongi's remarks but Yoongi makes some point there. He can't deny that.

"What should i do so i can convince you that i already feeling better?"

"Eat some crackers again hyung, if you manage to keep it down until all the members get down, I believe you"

Seokjin gulps. He knows that he still can't digest that damn cracker. Hell, even the tea he sips earlier still sits heavily in his stomach. But he really needs to make Yoongi believe that he can go to work with the others today. His throat tightens.

"You're still sick, aren't you?" Yoongi smirks, challenging Seokjin. He just wants his hyung to admit defeat, that he still feeling sick so he can tuck the older to the bed and let him rest for the day. But he knows that his hyung is just too stubborn for himself.

"No, i'm not"

Yes, Seokjin just that stubborn. So he picks a cracker and takes a bite. He can feel the cracker sits heavily with the tea he sips earlier. Ready to come back out. But he can't do that with Yoongi's eyes watching him intensely, waiting for Seokjin to toss his cookies and admit his loss. He manages to eat a whole cracker down.

"See? I can eat that, so i'm fine"

"No, dont be too happy hyung. I still need to know if you can keep that down until at least one hour" Yoongi says nonchalantly.

Then they fall into silence. One is too sleepy to make a conversation, and one is too busy to keep his stomach calm.

The members are one by one going down to have breakfast. The kitchen is now filled with the clattering of spoons, plates, and the member's voice. Yoongi is also caught up with his conversation with Namjoon, they both want to finish some beat for their next album after today's interview and meeting.

"Hyung, are you okay? You look so pale" Jimin says softly, voice laced with concern. All attention is now to Seokjin, that lumped against the table, breathing heavily trying to not throwing up.

Jimin want to ask another question when Seokjin suddenly jump and run to the bathroom with one hand clamped over his mouth.

"Tsk, Namjoon-ah, can you call the manager to clear our schedule today? Seokjin hyung is still sick, there's no way we can let him work like that"

"Okay hyung, dont worry. I'll talk to him"

"Thank you" Yoongi musters a soft smile before he makes his way to the bathroom.

His eyes met Seokjin's figures that crouched down in front of the toilet, one hand rubbing his stomach. Yoongi walks to his hyung silently and rubs his back as the older spine curve every heaves he lets out.

"Breathe hyung"

Seokjin's body lurched with another heave. After few moments, he coughed and spits several times, wanting to make sure that his stomach is calm enough to move, and flushed the toilet.

He makes his way to the sink, wants to rinse his mouth to get rid of the taste of bile. His eyes meet Yoongi's, watching the younger says "You're staying at your bed today, and i don't want to hear another argument about this"

Seokjin sighs in defeat, he knows there's no way he can change Yoongi's mind. Maybe, he will do as Yoongi's says since he doesn't have any energy left to work.

"Okay, Yoongi-chi"

——————————————

Ideas:

#bts sickfic #bts emeto #tw vomit #tw emeto #sick!seokjin #caretaker!yoongi

[tyunniverse]

Midnight Crisis

pairing: huening kai x reader

genre: fluff (?)

word count: 1728

synopsis: huening kai gets woken up by his neighbor's alarm every midnight and finally decides to do something about it

There it is again.

Kai lies awake in his bed, eyes heavy and dark circles evident. He stares at the ceiling, trying his best to cancel out the noise that's been plaguing his mind for countless nights but to no avail. He's grown to hate the noise with each passing day. It's been like this ever since he moved in two months ago.

The first night was bearable, he'd assumed that his neighbor had something important to do at midnight. After all, it wasn't unusual for a college student to be up that late to finish an assignment. The first week was excusable. Kai figured that they must be working on an extremely important project that couldn't wait until morning to be finish. The next few weeks were hell. He thought he'd be immune to the alarm blasting through his walls but he wasn't. It sounds off for five minutes and after that, waits another five minutes more to go off again. His suffering doesn't end until it nears 1 am, and if he's lucky, it'll end before 00:30. This became the norm for Kai.

But the alarm had been going off for more than an hour. A hundred thoughts go through Kai's mind. Should he just try to go back to sleep? At this point that seemed impossible. He'd tried a hundred times before and it never worked. Should he just stay up until it ends? He'd be tired by morning but that's the safest possible decision. But what if this goes on until sunrise? He can't risk falling asleep in class when he had a presentation first thing in the morning.

Kai bunches the his blanket in his hands. "Why me?" He groans, shifting to the side to check his phone. His classmate, Beomgyu, had left him a message a few hours ago.

Hyuka, I can't make it to class tomorrow. I'm at the hospital with my roommate. Sorry, but I think you have to do the presentation on your own tomorrow. I promise I'll make it up to you.

Great.

Given the news and the loud pinging of the alarm, Kai decides that he has had enough. He can't deal with the stupid alarm going off every night, especially when he really needed the rest.

He hops out off bed, grabbing a hoodie from his closet and putting it over his shirt before storming out of his room.

—

You were beyond tired.

The classes you had on that day had all conducted tests, leaving your brain fried by the time you got home. You immediately pass out once you reached the comfort of your bed, not even caring to change out of your clothes. Your mind peacefully drifts into sleep, remembering that you had something to look forward to at 1 am.

You never forget to set your alarm. Sometimes, it was hard waking up in the middle of the night when you're having such a good time sleeping, but you made sure that it went off every five minutes until you're forcibly awoken by it's blaring sound.

The drama your best friend, Soobin, had recommended to you had been the highlight of your day since the beginning of the semester. School has been nothing but the source of your stress and you found that watching the new episodes every night helped you get through it and prepare yourself for anything to come. Little did you know that your energy booster had become the bane of someone else's existence.

"Excuse me!"

You were woken up by the sound of loud banging on your door. Having just come to your senses, your eyes wander to you phone that had been blasting your alarm since 12 am. You reach out to it, checking the time and panicking once you saw that it was way past the time slot for your drama. It was about to finish.

"Shit." You scramble towards your laptop, hoping to at least see if there was still hope to watch it until your attention was brought back to the loud banging on your door.

"Excuse me! Is anyone in there?"

You frown. "Who the hell disturbs people in the middle of the night?"

The place was quiet for a while until the banging came back. You take one last glance at your laptop before treading towards the door. You grab anything heavy along the way in case things get a little weird with your unexpected visitor.

Kai rubs his eyes as he waits for his neighbor's door to swing open. His ears perk up when he hears shuffling behind the door. It opens for about an inch wide, raising a few questions in Kai's mind.

"Do you need something?" You speak out from behind the door.

Kai's brows knit as he leaned a little closer. "It's me, Huening Kai, from room 208. I need to talk to you about something but isn't refusing to open your door a little rude?"

"Oh, sorry." You relax once you realize that the visitor wasn't a threat. You'd seen him a lot on your way to your room but you've never interacted before. All you know was that he seemed like a pretty nice guy. "Ah," You look up at him. He looked kinda cute despite his tired look. His messy hair had almost entirely covered his eyes and his hoodie had a molang print on the side. "But isn't it also a little rude to bang at your neighbor's door at 1 am?" You ask him, brows raised.

Kai purses his lips, trying his best to hold off on snapping at you. He was truly at his limit. "Not when that neighbor has kept me up for the past two months with their stupid alarm?"

"What are you— oh." You cut yourself off upon realizing the entirety of the situation. Maximum volume. You had set your alarm at maximum volume to make sure you never missed an episode. It had barely been effective on you but it sure did its work on your neighbor. In hindsight, you should've seen this coming.

Kai watches as you space out and decides to just tell you then and there instead of waiting for you to invite him inside. "Uh, listen." His hands fidget, trying to get through the awkwardness. "You must have something important to do but please be responsible with your alarm. It's ringing has kept me awake since the start of the semester and I haven't gotten a good night's sleep since. I have a presentation later and I really need to get some sleep before that, so can you please tone the alarm down or just shut if off? I don't think I can survive another night like this."

There he had it.

Kai felt a bit better. He should've done this sooner. His problems would've been solved by then. He figured that you'd apologize and stop your alarms since by now, the two of you have probably reached an understanding.

"I understand your side, I really do." You tell him, looking up at his now smiling form. "But I can't lower the volume." His smile disappears.

"What?"

"I can't wake up if it's not at maximum volume. Please understand, I need this in order to wake up." You insist.

Kai didn't know how to react. He'd been so sure that you'd cooperate that any other responses would have rendered his mind blank. "What?" He repeats. "Then, can you at least tell me why it's so important for you to be awake at this hour?"

You cant. You can't tell him.

The moment he finds out that you were willing to sacrifice his sleep for the drama you've been watching, he'd never let you hear the end of it. "I have a project and it needs to be finished by tomorrow."

Kai crosses his arms, frowning. "So you're saying you have an important project every single night?"

You hold your breath. "Yes?"

"Yes?" Kai scoffs. "Please tell me you're joking."

"I'm serious!" You wage him off. "I really do have one!"

Kai takes a peek at your room and sighs. "Then bring it here. The least you can do is prove that you're telling the truth. I can't keep suffering like this, Y/N."

Hearing your name made you nervous. Of course he'd known your name, he had delivered your packages a few times when it ended up in front of his doorstep by mistake. What's worse, he wanted you to show him the project you made up on the spot to hopefully escape the situation. Your mind goes blank, and there's only one thng that passes through it despite being fully aware that this solution was only temporary.

"I'm sorry!"

"Huh?"

Kai freezes in his spot as the door slams shut in his face. He hears you run back imto the safety of your room and he's left standing there, speechless. It takes him a few seconds to register what had just happened.

"Hey!" He reaches out for your door knob, twisting it a few times before giving up and knocking on the door. "Y/N? Y/N! Open up! We're still not done talking!" He knocks a few more times. "Hey!"

You snicker, hellbent on ignoring him and focusing on what's left of your show. Even if it's just the ending of the episode, it was enough to at least get you through tomorrow.

The episodes starts loading after a few clicks and you move to get your headphones. That's when you realize that Kai had finally stopped bothering you for the night. A smile creeps in your face as you feel a mixture of relief and guilt. "I'm sorry, Kai, but I need this."

You plug your headphones in and was about to focus on the episode when a loud alarm starts blasting through the walls of your room. Eyes wide, you check your phone to see if your alarm had beem turned off. It had been dead ever since you got up, which meant that the sound could only be coming from the room next door.

You jump when you hear a rather loud laugh coming from Kai's room, followed by him banging on your shared wall. Your phone buzzes with a notification and you check it.

Hey there, neighbor! If I'm not gonna get any sleep then so are you. Suffer with me >3<

#txt imagines #txt x reader #txt imagine #huening kai imagines #huening kai x reader #huening kai fluff

[formulaorange]

Saturday June 19th

This week's anime binge: Sorry for the delay - Record of Ragnarok came out and I wanted to do that one for this week (in replacement of Kyousougiga which will be pushed to next week.) I ended up running out of time at work so I'll post record of Ragnarok tomorrow in addition to the ongoing shows from this season.

Vivy Spring 2021 - 13 Episodes I can't believe I've put this off until now - this isn't another 86 where it's a 10/10 but it's something I probably would've been pretty stoked to watch and started sooner had I known it were about androids and interactions with humans over a century. I think it's a great concept - not one that I think I've seen before tbh I love the Detroit feels to it and how the protagonist isn't inherently for or against anything but does what they feel is right. I like that over the few episodes you see her humanity increase and her understanding of things affect her more. There's a huge contrast between the first episode and the last in term of her character. There are a few things that I didn't think were great - I feel like episode 12 was very sub-par and the ideas behind it were overused with time travel stuff. But I feel that the finale brought it back to the original idea and redeemed that and brought it full circle. In the end, that's the only way they could've finished the show and I think the best way to describe it is that it's a very complete story. 8/10

Heaven's Design Team Winter 2021 - 13 Episodes This isn't something that should be binged... Each episode is informative and interesting but it isn't really a story so watching back to back informative comedy isn't really great. Tho - the concept is fun and worth checking out. It's essentially coming up with the thought processes behind the creation of animals on earth and all the weird things that exists. Very fun to watch, you honestly learn so much and each episode has something new. I - episode 10 is a different entity all together.. I'll never look at naked mole rats the same way... Thanks to this show I now have a new interest in Giant River Otters and I had no fucking idea they could get to nearly 6 feet and 75lbs.... they can fight off caimans... South America has some scary ass shit running around. (this tunnel also lead me to finding out about wolf otters which are now extinct but used to be the sizes of wolves, over 100lbs and were a big predator in prehistoric times.) 7/10 (9/10 for the otter episode) Current Thoughts on Record of Ragnarok: I'm 6 episodes in, now low-key I'm expecting to be disappointed and that in the end Zeus will decide to allow humanity to continue existing purely because he enjoyed the fights and wants to do something again in the future. The longer the fights drag out - I'm also starting to feel like the second half is gonna be cut short and it'll be disappointing or they'll push it onto another season. If somehow they continue with the interesting stories on the gods and people and keep up the same pace - it might be worthwhile - tho could've been better with a 24 episode season instead to do it all in one go. 1 thing - This for sure would've been too slow to watch week/week but is an excellent show to binge just for fun. Edit - I forgot to add next weeks binge anime: Kyousougiga Catch up on Edens Zero (Shadow's House)

#anime #new anime #2021 spring anime review #2021 spring anime seasons #spring 2021 anime season #2021 spring anime season #vivy #vivy: fluorite eye's song #vivy review #anime binge #binge post #anime review #anime recommendation #anime rating #heaven's design team #tenchi souzou design bu #tenchi sōzō design bu #record of ragnarok #shuumatsu no valkyrie #shuumatsu no walkure #naked mole rats #giant river otter #wolf otter #fobp

[kpopnonous]

NOTE: the pictures used here will be of different girls because I want all types of female readers, all different races and culture to feel comfortable reading my works.

Y/N - Your Name

• = •





After scrolling through Instagram and watching a few videos I decided to interact with my fans by streaming, but I couldn't pick between Outlast and Resident Evil. I went on twitter and asked them.



Wait. . . is that, that one dude from BTS? I scroll through his profile to see that it was him.

I've only ever listened to there music once or twice, never really got deep into the whole Kpop music and fandom.



Damn the poor boy can't like someone's tweet without being shipped.

I decided to do his request and play outlast, as I've seen a few of my favourite Youtubers play the game and gave it high reviews.



I only shake my head. These people are extra. The dude just wanted to comment on someone's profile.

'Maybe I should give him a message after I finish?' I thought to myself

I started setting up to play the game.

"Hey guys, so seeing as my music video became #1 on both the Spotify and Top Billboard I decided to stream to thank you for supporting me! So today we are going to play outlast because who doesn't love to shit their pants and see weird people getting killed?!" I said with a smile. I loaded the game and feel like backing out already.

I saw the dude from the screen go inside the creepy house

"See this is why I don't understand people, you see a scary looking house and you INSTANTLY go inside, like that doesn't make any sense. It's like he has a death wise." I exclaimed.

I looked at the comments section and read a few of them out loud.

" ' He's a reporter that's why' Not me, I ain't going there, you're crazy if I'm gonna risk my life for that!"

I kept playing until I saw a few naked men

"What the fuck? WHY IS THERE NAKED MEN CHASING ME THO?! THIS IS WACK AS FUCK! Yo-yo yo-yo, where the fuck do I hide? Sorry sorry for cursing but I'm not going to die today satan!" I shouted at the computer.

I kept playing for 2 more hours until I got tired of it.

"Okay guys, I had enough of this bull, I'll play some other time. Hope you guys enjoyed this video and please keep supporting me! You guys make me feel like we are actually a family the way we comfort and support each other. See you guys next week!" I said happily as I ended the stream and shut down my computer.



'Yeah after the game you picked that nearly made me shit my pants'



Dude seems nice. Maybe I should follow him and try to talk to him more?' I questioned myself but still did it.



Maybe this will make his night better?



After I've liked a few messages I decided to go offline and started watching Riverdale. A few of my fan recommended this show to me and I was excited about the first two seasons until I got to season 3. I did not enjoy the crazy madness that took place.

After a few more episodes I decided to sleep since I have a busy day tomorrow.

• = •

not, but let me know! .

After I've liked a few messages I decided to go offline and started watching Riverdale. A few of my fan recommended this show to me and I was excited about the first two seasons until I got to season 3. I did not enjoy the crazy madness that took place.

After a few more episodes I decided to sleep since I have a busy day tomorrow.

• = •

So I made this because I've been wanting to start back writing, yes this is somewhat a new account. I had one before but wanted a fresh start. I'd see some Social Media types of books and there isn't much talking so idk if you guys are fine with this or not, but let me know! Personally I don't like how this came out but eh

Jungkook x Reader

(This was supposed to be a BTS x Reader)

#jungkook #Jungkook x reader #Singer #BTS singer AU #BTS #Jimin #Jin #Taehyung #Jhope #Hobi #Namjoon #Rapmonster #Yoongi #Suga #X reader #Fake text #Singer au #Bangtan #Jeon Jungkook #Fanfiction #Text #Instagram #Twitter

[harryfreakinstyles2]

Torn (Part 4) H.S

Harry's body relaxes in the seat across from me and it makes my heart feel like it could burst in my chest.

"So, since we are friends now," I say beyond excited that I get to ask him all the questions I have been dying to know the answers to.

"Let's get to know each other." I say with a smile and his eyes widen. "How long have you been in America?" I ask him genuinely wanting to know the answer.

I rest my elbows on the table and lean forward waiting for his answer. His smile widens across his face making his deep dimples appear, and I feel like I can't breathe. This just friends thing is going to be harder than I thought if he continues to look at me like that.

"I've been here for a little over four years now. I got a scholarship to go to school here and I kind of fell in love with the area and decided to stay after I graduated this past December."

I'm slightly surprised that he came here on scholarship, but why wouldn't he. Of course, he's smart. But what surprises me more is that he already graduated. I assumed he was still in school as well.

"Oh, you already graduated? I didn't know that!" I respond genuinely surprised.

"There are a lot of things you don't know about me." Harry says with a smirk and winks at me.

I roll my eyes at him and I try not to smile as I avoid the playful smirk he is giving me that seems to be stuck on his face today. I ignore the spark it ignites in my stomach and continue with my questions.

"So what's your degree in then?" I ask continuing the conversation.

"Business management. I would like to own or run a hotel or restaurant or something like that someday." He tells me still making too much eye contact and making me shift in my seat.

"Wow! That's cool!" I say annoyed that he is not only smart and drop dead gorgeous but he also has plans for his life. "How old are you?" I blurt our on accident.

"Twenty three, but enough about me. Tell me something about you." He says copying my position and leaning towards me with his elbows on the table and he mocks me by placing his hands under his chin with a cheeky smile. He is good I will give him that.

We are closer than two friends should be while casually talking but I can't get myself to pull away even though I know I should.

"Ummm." I stutter for a minute not being able to process my thoughts when he is so close to me. "Well, I am twenty one. I will graduate in May with my degree in English. I'd like to work for a publishing company or something along those lines for a bit or maybe become an English teacher I haven't really decided yet." I say faster than normal. I keep having to look down every few seconds because his stare keeps making me flustered.

"Hmmm a teacher huh?" Is all he says in response.

His tone sounds sarcastic and his face is hard to read and I can't tell if he means it as a joke or what. Does he think I can't be a teacher? But I am already on edge "You don't even know me," I snap defensively while leaning back in my chair.

"What? Why did you say that?" He questions me in a serious tone, catching me off guard. He's staring me down and I realize he's waiting for me to answer.

"I don't know. You sounded like you were mocking me," I say my tone sharp.

"I don't know you well, yet. But I'm trying to. I want to." He states. "I was not making fun of you. I was just joking around." He looks at me with pleading eyes. "I wish you would lighten up a little. You are so serious." He says softly and I can tell by his voice that he is being sincere even though his words piss me off I try to push my irritation aside.

"Sorry. Really." I say leaning down to meet his eyes slightly thrown by his quick change in mood. "I didn't mean to snap at you. Just a habit I guess."

Lightning flashes outside the window followed by a rolling thunder distracting both of us from our conversation. I know I need to head home before the storm hits and it is getting close to my dinner plans with Julie.

"I need to head home." I sigh grabbing my backpack and car keys not wanting to leave just yet despite the change in mood.

"Okay." Is all he says in response his eyes focused on the table.

I can feel a shift and there is an uncomfortable tension between us. I get up from the table and start making my way towards the door when I realize he has nothing else to say. A weird wave of sadness hits me at his simple response wishing he would ask me to stay longer.

"Wait," I feel his now familiar warm hand wrap around my arm stopping me before I reach the door. I turn to face him not sure what to expect but happy the conversation will not end the way I thought it was going to.

"I'll see you again soon, yeah?" He asks with a soft smile. He says it like it's a question that he needs me to confirm as he searches my eyes. And just like that, everything feels okay again.

"See you soon." I confirm with a smile and walk out the door.

*

I arrive back home just as the rain starts, making me run for the front door. Rushing inside I drop my stuff on the kitchen counter and find Julie watching tv on the couch.

"Did you get the stuff for dinner?" I ask her. We have a tradition since we moved into our apartment together last year where every other Saturday she buys the groceries and I make dinner. Then we spend the evening watching Greys Anatomy on the couch together. It gives us a chance to catch up no matter how crazy our schedules get.

"Yeah, it's all in the fridge. Did you get a lot of studying done?" She says making casual conversation without looking away from the tv.

"Uhhh yeah," I say shrugging my shoulders even though she is not looking at me. The guilt comes back but this time I know I deserve it as I choose to not tell her about Harry showing up at the coffee shop and continue the conversation. "Was this all you had planned for today?" I say gesturing to her current spot on the couch hoping to get a reaction out of her.

"Basically, I was supposed to hang out with Harry but he got called into work." She responds still not looking away from the tv and I feel panicked.

I am so thrown off by her answer that I can't think of a response. Did he tell her that he had to work so he could come see me? Is she making it up? Why would she make that up? He said he told her they were done. But why would she lie about having plans with him? Why did he lie. I have no idea what the hell is going on anymore and it is starting to give me a headache.

"Hey, I was thinking we could have a movie night here tomorrow. Is that okay with you?" Julie asks me bringing my attention back to the present as she gets off the couch and joins me in the kitchen.

"Uhh yeah sure sounds good to me," I say not really paying attention.

"Awesome! I'll text everyone. Does 8 o'clock sound good to you?" Julie asks while already typing away on her phone.

"Perfect." I agree.

The evening drags on without much conversation. Julie stays on the couch while I make dinner in the kitchen replaying my conversation with Harry over and over again. One of them is lying and I can't figure out who or more importantly why. After dinner we watch one episode of Grey's and I head to my room for the rest of the night not wanting to have forced conversation with Julie any longer. I don't like how weird things feel between us now. I know it's only me. I'm so used to being able to talk to Julie about anything.

I pass out around 11 o'clock which is early for me but the last two days have been so draining I need the sleep and as soon as my head hits the pillow I am gone.

I wake the next morning still conflicted and debating whether having Harry around is worth all this confusion and the headache that follows. I know it won't end well but I am not sure that I can stay away from him. The morning and afternoon hours blur together as I stay in bed watching tv all day, my usual Sunday routine lately.

I finally look at the clock on my nightstand telling me it's now six thirty in the evening and I have been in bed all day. My stomach grumbles reminding me I haven't had anything to eat since eleven this morning so I force myself out of bed and slip on some jeans and grab my favorite hoodie. The weather outside my window is as gloomy as yesterday the clouds are covering the whole sky, and it has been raining on and off all day adding to my own gloomy mood.

I walk out of the bedroom and find Jules in the living room bringing pillows and blankets from her bedroom to the couch.

"What are you doing?" I ask her confused.

"Bringing out extra pillows and blankets for tonight." She says looking at me like I am an idiot.

"Oh crap! I forgot about that. Did you pick a movie?" I have been so in my head I forgot about her stupid movie night here tonight. I feel like I don't have the energy or mental capacity to deal with anyone. Perfect.

"No I can't decide so I'm just going to pick two and let everyone vote." She says while still arranging pillows on the couch and floor.

"Alright, well I am going to grab some food I will be back soon. Do you need anything while I am out?" I ask her secretly hoping she will say no.

"No I'm good, I bought popcorn and some candy when I was at the store yesterday and Maya and Tabs are bringing some snacks too." She tells me.

"Okay well, I'll be back." I say while grabbing my keys and heading for the front door.

"Okay see you later." She says with a smile.

As I walk to my car I sigh with relief at being alone again even if it is only for a short while.

I run through a drive-thru and back with about fifteen minutes to spare before everyone is supposed to come over. I rush into the apartment past the kitchen and Julie's room hoping she doesn't see me. And then head straight through the living room and into my room. I change out of my jeans and into some comfy yoga pants deciding to keep my hoodie on because I don't care to make to much effort in my appearance today. I finish the rest of my food in a hurry and decide to freshen up my make up a little so I don't look like complete crap when everyone comes over. Just as I finish up I hear an array of voices enter the house. Walking out of my room and into the kitchen I find Julie with Maya, Tabs, Dylan, and Sam all talking over each other loudly. Maya is pouring chips into bowls, Julie is putting popcorn into the microwave and of course, Dylan is loading the wine and beer into the fridge. I smile at my crazy group of friends even in my exhausted state.

"Is Emily coming?" I ask the whole group while taking a seat on the empty bar stool next to Sam.

"No she had to work tonight." Tabitha informs me while stealing a chip from Maya's bowl.

"Awe alright," I say disappointed because we haven't had a chance to catch up in a few weeks. "I'm gonna grab a blanket from my room really quick, will someone get me a bowl of popcorn please!" I say as sweetly as I can as I am leaving the kitchen.

I make my way back to my room and grab a blanket and pillow, and my phone from my nightstand before hearing the group make their way into the living room. I take a deep breathe already exhausted and walk back out.

Julie, Maya, Dylan, and Sam are all squished together on the couch and Tabitha took the chair which means I am stuck on the floor alone which I am actually okay with because it means I can watch the movie and relax without distractions. Just as I am getting comfortable on the floor I hear a loud knock at the door. Everyone sits not moving and then looks at me. Everyone is here already so I have no idea who it could be.

"Don't worry everyone, I'll get." I say sarcastically groaning as I get back up off the floor and they all smile trying not to laugh at my dramatic response.

I make my way to the door and open it not sure who to expect but definitely not him.

My mouth drops open stunned, "Harry?!" I whisper yell so everyone in the living room can't hear me.

#harry styles blurb #harry styles series #harry styles fanfiction #harry edward styles #harry styles imagine #harry styles one shot #harry styles

[verobatto]

Destiel Chronicles

(Vol. VII)

It was a love story, from the very beginning.

(4x22)

You have to stop it.

We have to stop it.

Hello my dear Fandom!! How are you feeling?

Ok, this is the last volume from season 4!!!!

In this one, I will talk about 4x22 LUCIFER RISING. And how our beautiful angel fell for follow his heart.

Thanks to my friend @agusvedder for the gifs you will find in this meta!

Let's start.

I'm sorry again.

Dean and Sam were separated, after a very heated fight. Dean was so worried, and he didn't know if he should call his brother or not. Bobby felt he needed to convince Dean... then... He appeared in the green room.

There was Zachariah and Castiel again in the background. Obedient. Silent.

ZACHARIAH: Lilith has to break it. She's the only one who can. Tomorrow night -- midnight.

DEAN: Where?

ZACHARIAH: We're working on it.

DEAN: Well, work harder.

ZACHARIAH: we'll do our job. You just make sure you do yours.

DEAN: Yeah, and what is that, exactly? If I'm supposed to be the one that stops her, how? With the knife?

ZACHARIAH: All in good time.

DEAN: Isn't now a good time?

ZACHARIAH: Have faith.

DEAN: What, in you? Give me one good reason why I should.

Here... Dean having faith was something new. But he didn't have faith in these manipulative angels, these heartless robots with a fancy deathly mission. He had learn to have faith in Cas. But now... Listening to Zachariah repeating the what Dean had swore in the middle of desperate situation... He remembered who made him say it...

... and Can knows too. It was him. He swore that time, because Castiel's manipulation learned in Heaven. And he feels guilty. Friends doesn't do that... But... Are they even friends?

The second time Castiel and Dean saw each other in the green room, was when Dean did this symbolic call...

Dean makes an angel fall LITERALLY, and immediately after that, look who appears behind him. You can't be subtle with this scene, they are showing us that DEAN MADE CASTIEL FALL, LITERALLY FALL, FOR HIM. But in the fall... The angel breaks... And that's the thing that will occur with CAS.

The third time Castiel appears is when Dean was trying to communicate with Sammy, using his cell phone... Cas went to him... To make a kind of apology... Parallel with that scene in 14x19 when Dean was praying and he appeared at the instant.

DEAN What are you gonna do to Sam?

CASTIEL: Nothing. He's gonna do it to himself.

DEAN: What's that supposed to mean?

(CASTIEL looks down)

Oh, right, right. Got to toe the company line. Why are you here, Cas?

CASTIEL We've been through much together, you and I. And I just wanted to say, I'm sorry it ended like this.

DEAN "Sorry"?

Castiel wanted to talk with Dean, even knowing they were watching. He knew there was something between them. Maybe friendship? Camaraderie? He didn't know what name use for this... And he was saying I'M SORRY AGAIN. Maybe not knowing why. He even had said that to Anna. And she had said to him he didn't sorry. Because he couldn't feel. Well... Now it was different... It really was...

Seeing through you

Castiel could feel in the air Dean was trying to drag him to him. And his words were intoxicating for the angel's heart. That rebellious way to find your own path. Free will. So bright, so forbidden.

CASTIEL Try to understand -- this is long foretold. This is your...

DEAN Destiny? Don't give me that "holy" crap. Destiny, God's plan... It's all a bunch of lies, you poor, stupid son of a bitch! It's just a way for your bosses to keep me and keep you in line! You know what's real? People, families -- that's real. And you're gonna watch them all burn?

And there it was again. Castiel trying to resist it and Dean fighting against orders. He could understand what Dean was saying... He knew it. It was his doubts talking again to him.

Why is Castiel saying this?? Is he seeing through Dean? Certainly he is. But... He needed to invalidate what Dean was trying to show him. He needed to low down all that Bright Lights coming from this man. He was offering something forbidden and dangerous. Free Will, rebellion. No, he couldn't. He needed to stop that. So he used this. Those hard words to make this human to shut up. To make him understand something not even he, an angel, believe. But he was a soldier. He had to obey. So yes. There's nothing there worth to be saved.

And Dean, he knows all those words are true, he knows it. And he is loosing hopes, but he keeps fighting, he knows Castiel is the only one there who can help him... He helped him once... He knows it... He feels Castiel is different...

CASTIEL: In paradise, all is forgiven. You'll be at peace. Even with Sam.

Here... Castiel look to a side... Because he knows that's a lie. He is lying. And lying to himself too...

So Dean looks for Castiel gaze again... He needed to look at him in the eye. Beacuse these two talk with their eyes. Since they first met. And Dean was honest here...

DEAN: You can take your peace... and shove it up your lily-white ass. 'Cause I'll take the pain and the guilt. I'll even take Sam as is. It's a lot better than being some Stepford bitch in paradise. This is simple, Cas! No more crap about being a good soldier. 

He turned Castiel around brusquely. HE WANTED MAKE CASTIEL SEE THE REALITY. TURN HIM BY HIS SIDE. He needed him to see. NOT MORE CRAP ABOUT TO BEING A GOOD SOLDIER.

Why you didn't help me???? Dean was pushing him again, pushing him to that dangerous path, to get close again to him.

DEAN: You know it! You were gonna help me once, weren't you? You were gonna warn me about all this, before they dragged you back to Bible camp. Help me -- now. Please.

CASTIEL: What would you have me do?

He is doubting again... This human... This man...

DEAN: Get me to Sam. We can stop this before it's too late.

CASTIEL: I do that, we will all be hunted. We'll all be killed.

Castiel knows the consequences, he has a lot to lose. A lot.

DEAN: If there is anything worth dying for... this is it.

Gif credit @magnificent-winged-beast

Look at this... At Castiel's face... The doubt... The fight inside him. The whirlwind in his mind. He can lose everything, he will fall if he follows this man. Is the most important moment in his life. Thai decision would change everything... And he can't do that. He just can't...

DEAN: You spineless... 

(DEAN turns and walks away) 

…soulless son of a bitch. What do you care about dying? You're already dead. We're done.

CASTIEL: Dean...

Castiel is in pain... Because he had disappointed Dean. But he is asking a lot from him.

DEAN: We're done!

And Castiel flew away.

The intensity of this scene is huge. And Castiel's inner fight, so painful and hard. Dean was pushing him as always... Castiel knew Dean was right... He just needed to make the hardest decision in his ancient life...

We have to stop it

Then... Suddenly...

Castiel decided, he chose free will, he chose to die for humans, to die for the Winchester. To die for Dean.

And the huge amount of sexual tension in this scene is irresistible.

Dean is aroused. Look at his face, he is amazed, he is afraid, but at the same time... He is enchanted again. He can't with himself and he drops his eyes to Castiel's lips... Yeah... Sexually aroused. The power coming from Castiel, is too much to handle. And he is helping him??? He understands the sign Cas makes him with his eyes. Yes. He is helping him. He chose him.

Dean watches in awe how Castiel draws on the wall a sigil with his own blood. So quickly, the hunter couldn't even react. Then Zachariah arrives and Castiel send him to somewhere...

And remember 4x03 the time traveling? When Cas repeated at him once and once and again YOU HAVE TO STOP IT.

And then again in 4x21 Cas said again: YOU WILL STOP HIM.

And now In this episode 4x22 Zachariah said to him YOU WILL STOP HIM.

It was always DEAN, AND JUST DEAN, THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN STOP WHEREVER TAHT IS? DEMON? LUCIFER? Well... He isn't alone anymore...

Now is a WE. WE HAVE TO STOP HIM. YOU AND ME. THE TWO OF US. From that moment on, Dean wouldn't be alone anymore, the WINCHESTERS won a loyal Ally.

And Dean maybe isn't so conscious about what had he done... He made an angel fell for him. For his insistence. For showing him the brightness of free will.

I thin the amazement for Dean about this angel haven't finished yet... Because when they arrived to Chuck's place... This is what happened...

CHUCK: Yeah, but you guys aren't supposed to be there. You're not in this story.

CASTIEL: Yeah, well...

Look at Dean's face... He is surprised beacuse Castiel's words. And he feels admiration for him. He sacrifice everything for them. And that's priceless for Dean.

Then he made another sacrifice when the Archangel arrives...

CASTIEL: It's the Archangel!

(to DEAN)

I'll hold him off! I'll hold them all off! Just stop Sam!

Yes he gave his own life...

"If there is anything worth dying for... this is it."

Dean words stayed in Castiel's heart for ever.

To conclude.

Castiel's fall with his prelude in early episode, had a intense resolution.

Dean persistence and heart speech helped Castiel to chose him and humanity over his own family.

The communication between Dean and Cas had always been his eyes... And @agusvedder wanted to share with you this observation, and that would explain the amount of gazes between Dean and Cas... The eyes are the mirrors from the souls. And Destiel was always about that. About watching at each other's hearts and souls with their eyes.

From this moment on, Castiel become the Winchesters's angel. He took a new mission. And he will show to these two men his loyalty is gold.

Thanks for read this meta, I c-u soon in the next volume starting season 5!!

C-u!! 😘💕💕

Tagging @metafest @gneisscastiel @mrsaquaman187 @magnificent-winged-beast @emblue-sparks @agusvedder @weirddorkylittlediana @michyribeiro @castiellover20 @whyjm @koshisekisen @legendary-destiel @a-bit-of-influence @thatwitchydestielfan @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @lykanyouko @evvvissticante @cheerstofandomfamily @drsilverfish @savannadarkbaby @angelneedshunter @trickster-archangel @dea-stiel @poorreputation @bre95611 @thewolfathedoor @charlottemanchmal @neii3n @deathswaywardson @followyourenergy @dean-is-bi-till-i-die @hekatelilith-blog @avidbkwrm @anarchiana @mishka-the-angel-of-saturday @dickpuncher365 @vampyrosa @hippyatheart80 @xsghn @foxyroxe-art @authorsararayne @anonymoustitans @mybonsai1976 @love-neve-dies @wildligia

Note: if you want to be tagged in the Destiel Chronicles tag list just let me know!

If you want to read the previous volumes, the links are here:

Vol. I/Vol. II/Vol. III/Vol. IV/Vol. V/Vol. VI

Buenos Aires April 16th 2019 9:19 PM

#supernatural meta #destiel meta #destiel chronicles #volume vii #season 4 meta

[bygone-age]

HOLBY CITY BAKE OFF

A fun little idea I had while my mam was catching up with some recent Holby episodes and I decided the writers don't know how to do happy and fun.

It's an AU of course - Dom isn't adopted, Lofty didn't cheat, Ric isn't suddenly past it, Jac is happy (and still in charge of Darwin), Kian is around, but a bit less annoying (I'm getting used to him), Serena and Bernie are still together and Hanssen is not in Sweden. Also Gaskell wasn't a total bastard and Roxanna is still with us.

So anyway, here it is!

******

WEEK ONE - CAKE WEEK

Sacha Levy was not fond of working nights, but he owed Dom a favour and it was only for a few days.

Of course, night shift had its advantages - his last ward round had passed without incident, the patients were settled for the night and barring any unforseen emergencies, they should remain that way till handover in the morning, so all he had to do was check in with the junior doctor and ward nurses every now and then and the rest of the time was his own.

He had a supply of good coffee (a present from Jac and Emma, along with a mug covered in doctor jokes), he'd managed to get ahead of his paperwork for once and he'd even gone over a research proposal from his junior, so he was going to spend the next hour with Agatha Christie. Or least, that had been the plan. Almost as soon as Hercule Poirot had boarded the Orient Express, his office phone rang.

"Mr Levy?" it was the rather shaky voice of Nicky McKendrick. "could you come down to Darwin? I- I- I know you're probably busy, but... well, there's a problem with Ms Naylor."

~~~~~~

Five minutes later he was hurrying out of the lift and onto Darwin. Nicky was waiting for him, looking positively queasy.

"Nicky, what happened?"

"Well, everyone was settled for the night and she had me doing half a mountain of paperwork and practicing for tomorrow morning's surgery, while she worked in her office. About ten or so minutes ago, she stuck her head out and said she wasn't to be disturbed unless it was a critical emergency. She said anyone who did would be thrown out of her office window."

"That's pretty standard for Jac."

"Yes, but I walked past her office and I could hear her going "he's an arsehole, she's an arsehole, he's never going to win, she's just crap" and I knocked on her door to see if she was OK and..."

"and what?"

"She told me to fuck off. Then she threw a cupcake at me."

Now he was just curious.

"OK, first you need to calm down. Get yourself a cuppa and take five minutes, then try and tackle the rest of that paperwork. I'll go and see Jac."

Nicky went off to the break room and Sacha went to Jac's office to see what was going on.

~~~~~~

"I thought I told you to fuck off!?!"

"Not since I knocked Emma's glitter onto the floor!"

Jac turned to see it was Sacha, rather than Nicky butting in as she had before.

"Oh. Sorry, I thought you were Nicky bothering me again."

"No and you should apologise. And explain why you're throwing cupcakes."

"I told her - no interruptions. The cupcake was burnt, it shouldn't have been in the box, but Emma insisted it was fine and I forgot to take it out of the box."

Sacha sat down beside her on the couch and finally noticed what she had on on the portable TV on the coffee table.

"Still mean though, you should ap- Bake Off? I thought that started next week!?!"

"Tonight. Half of them are doomed, but Hollywood is such a dick, I want the worst one to win just to spite him."

Sacha laughed out loud and settled in beside her.

"Mind if I join you? Watching you critique cooking shows is one of the funniest things you can get away with at work!"

She nugded him playfully and grinned.

"Shut up and make yourself comfortable... if you can take time away from Agatha Christie!"

"She can wait for a hour, but I will nip up during the break and grab some of that lovely coffee. And while I'm doing that, you can apologise to Nicky"

He looked at her with just a little bit of sterness and she gave him her best put upon sigh - one borrowed straight out of her daughter's playbook.

"Fine! As long as she isn't going to make a big deal out of it."

They settled in to a comfortable silence for the next few minutes and when the break came, Sacha went to fetch the coffee, hearing Jac call Nicky over as he left.

"Oi, foetus! Put that lot down, I need a word!"

~~~~~~

A few minutes later, having checked in with Keller and grabbed his coffee maker, Sacha returned to Jac's office to see her and Nicky side by side, Nicky practically bouncing with excitement and Jac trying very hard to keep a stern look on her face. He avoided eye contact and set the coffee up on her desk.

"Sorry I'm late, I stopped in at the break room to fill this up" he motioned to the cafetiere. "what have I missed?"

"They're making Angel Cake Slices for the technical" Nicky pipped up brightly "I don't know why-"

"Because you don't know anything. Now be quiet or you'll get another burnt cake thrown at you."

Sacha smiled. Jac wasn't fooling anyone, she was enjoying the company and she knew it. As if on cue, she softened (slightly. Very slightly) and turned towards Nicky as he passed out the coffee and sat on her other side.

"It would be too easy to just do three traybakes and jam them together. This way requires much more skill, so it's a better challenge."

"Oh! That makes sense. You know, you should-" Nicky sneaked a quick look at Jac and decided against what she'd been about to say. "nevermind. It can wait."

"Good. Now, not another word unless the judges make someone cry"

END OF PART ONE

NEXT: BISCUIT WEEK. The action moves to Sacha's flat. Jac makes ginger snaps, Nicky brings tea and Ric has definite opinions on the "loose vs bagged" debate.

~~~~~~

Hope you liked that! I'm going to try and do one for each week, so I know I have some to catch up on and I've never been very good at deadlines, but I will try and if anyone has any ideas, drop me a line any time.

This is especially for @foxyroxysstuff, who I hope will forgive me for delaying finishing her prompt to finish this first! I'm going to do yours now, promise!

EDIT:- Forgot to post this 👇 👇 it's the coffee maker that Jac and Emma bought Sacha.

#holby city #au #fanfiction #fanfic #Holby City Bake Off #jac naylor #sacha levy #nicky mckendrick