#I'm just so self conscious and always feel like people will find me ridiculous for whatever reason)

[tardis--dreams]

Mcr is in 11 days. Don't expect me to be normal about anything

#I'm not implying any of you expect me to be normal ever #But like #I wish i could say that to people in real life because i just randomly want to start screeching #I'm still convinced something's gonna happen and it won't happen after all #Dear God can you imagine #I would die #Right there #Also hmt is in less than 2 weeks too #But i'm really not looking forward to that too much #Except for fob #As far as I'm concerned they're the first band #So if i don't feel like staying in the crowd for weezer and green day i can just leave and have a drink i suppose #But omg mcr in less than 2 weeks! #My emo self is coming through! #I want to dye my hair for some reason #I used to have them pink a few times a few years ago #Do you think I'm too old for that now? #(i'm not saying anyone is ever too old to dye their hair in fun colors #I'm just so self conscious and always feel like people will find me ridiculous for whatever reason) #shut up amy

[wildernessuntothemselves]

Heaven is not fit to house a love (like you and I) | Part 1

Word Count: 5.9k

Genre: smut, angst

Summary: When you first met your boyfriend, it was love at first sight. No, more than that. It was love before you even met. It felt like you had known each other in another life and were meant to find each other again. 

But that's not actually true, is it? You and Beomgyu don't actually know each other from another life, and the dreams you've been having aren't memories of your past life either. That's ridiculous. 

But then why does Beomgyu get so defensive about them? And why does each dream feel more real than the one before? 

A/N: this is the sequel to my series YAMQN but I'm trying to write it in a way that it would be comprehensible to people who have never read YAMQN. The parts in italic are the dreams. 

Warnings: fucking on furniture, orgasm control, premature ejaculation, masturbation, PIV sex, toxic relationships.

“Stay home” Beomgyu holds you from behind, kissing your neck

“We can’t. I’ve canceled on them too many times now.” You whine. Beomgyu keeps doing this. Every time you try to hang out with your friends he pouts and whines until you stay home with him. It was cute at first–how he couldn’t get enough of you–but now your friends are actually getting pissed at the both of you. 

“But I missed you.” You can feel his pout on your skin as his lips brush over it. 

“We hang out every day. We live together!” You protest, but you’re unable to keep the chuckle from your voice.

“I know but that’s not what I mean.” He mumbles cryptically and you turn your head towards him. “Then what do you mean?” 

He flushes and buries his face in the crook of your neck so you wouldn’t see him. “Never mind. It’s stupid”

You grab his long hair, gently lifting his head up so you can lock eyes with him. “No, tell me.”

He lets out a shaky sigh. “It’s just… you ever feel like you and someone else are two halves of the same soul and you’ve spent and will spend all your lifetimes trying to reunite with them and when you finally do, you just can’t bear to let go?”

You’re rendered speechless by his impassioned, if self-conscious, speech because it captured exactly what you’ve always felt about him but was too scared to say in case you scare him off. 

You met Beomgyu while at work at the coffee shop at the local mall around christmas time last year. You spotted this adorable guy in front of your store dressed in the most ridiculous teddy bear sweater you’ve ever seen, collecting donations to buy toys for the kids at the local shelters. You fell for him at first sight and wherever he’d show up, you’d spend your entire shift stealing glances at him to the point that even your coworkers noticed. You couldn’t get over how sweet what he was doing was and you so badly wanted to go up to him and tell him that but you didn’t want to come across as a weirdo. It was only after your coworkers’ incessant nagging that you finally mustered up the courage to go up to him, hot drink in hand, offering it to him and telling him how much you admired what he was doing and how cute he his sweater was. 

The conversation flowed much more easily than you could have ever anticipated–almost like you two were meant to be–and from then on it became your daily routine to bring him a cup of coffee during your break and have a chat with him until you were yelled at by your boss for taking too long. 

And when Christmas day was fast approaching and the both of you knew he wouldn’t be there much longer, a snarky comment from your boss finally brought the two of you together and forced you to get over your trepidation. 

“Oh, for fuck’s sake. She likes you. He likes you. She finishes her shift at 6. Come pick her up. She likes sunflowers.” 

And that is how you and Beomgyu started dating. 

“Well now I can't go.” You lament, and he smiles radiantly, victorious. 

God your friends are gonna be so mad.

But it’s hard to think about that when his lips are attached to your neck, sucking at your most sensitive spots as he grinds his dick into your ass. 

“You look so sexy in that dress.” He murmurs wantonly, groping your tits coarsely over said dress. 

“Careful or you’re gonna blow your load on my ass.” You tease, referring to the first time you two got intimate. He was so excited then that he ended up cumming just from a little grinding. He’s lucky he’s so cute and that you found his enthusiasm endearing because if any other guy had cum so prematurely like that, you would’ve probably kicked his ass out the door. But also he ended up eating you out for the rest of the night until your legs turned into jelly to make it up to you, so it wasn’t too bad. 

Beomgyu pulls your dress down over your tits so he can play with them directly as he sucks on the skin of your neck, and you can feel your arousal begin to build up between your legs. 

"Beomgyu…" 

"My sensitive baby." He chuckles, index fingers flicking your nipples. You squeeze your thighs together in need and push your ass back against his cock pointedly. "Fuck me, Beomgyu."

It doesn’t take much prompting to get Beomgyu to give in. He has always been needy for you and today was no different. He pushes you against the table, flipping the skirt of your dress up and pulling your underwear out of the way before he pushes himself inside you, filling you up so perfectly as if he was made for you. 

“Oh, Beomgyu…” You gasp, clawing at the wooden surface of the table. This is hardly new to you. Beomgyu has fucked you on every surface of this house, many times. He's insatiable. He just can't get enough of you, and neither you him. 

“Baby, I don’t think I will last long.” He grunts into your ear and you chuckle breathlessly. “Of course not. You never could resist my pussy, huh?”

“No.” He shakes his head, driving his cock into you harshly. 

“Then cum. Show me how much you need me.” 

“Fuck, I do. I do, baby.” He groans, pressing his hips flush against your ass as he empties his seed inside of you. 

“Well, that was quick.” You giggle when he catches his breath and he whines, flipping you over on your back and pulling your thighs up against your body. You know what’s coming next. Beomgyu can never leave you unsatisfied and when he finishes too early like this he usually makes it up to you by giving you the best oral of your life. 

But when he sees his cum dripping out of your swollen pussy, he stops and stares, almost hypnotized by the sight, and a far away look takes over his face. 

"What?" You ask, pulling him out of his thoughts. "Nothing."

“Do you like seeing me dripping with your seed? Are you thinking of knocking me up?” You tease, and his head snaps up to look at you at a neck-breaking speed, a horrified look on his face. 

Fuck, did you read the situation wrong? Why did you say that? You don’t know why you said that!

Actually you do. You had another one of your dreams today–the ones where Beomgyu is a prince and you’re a lady at court and you’re in love. Beomgyu doesn’t like hearing about them much. He calls them silly and always brushes them off, not wanting to hear about them. But his lack of enthusiasm doesn’t stop you from having them, and each one feels more real than the other, as if it had actually happened. As if you were recalling memories of a previous life. And the latest dream was no different. 

"Our children are not going to want for anything.” Dream Beomgyu says, hand splayed protectively over your tummy. 

“What?” Real-life Beomgyu sputters, and you explain yourself shyly, sitting up and covering yourself as you chuckle nervously. “I just… I had a dream that I was pregnant with your baby. You know, when you were a prince…” 

But Beomgyu doesn’t share your laughter. His face immediately hardens and his reaction this time surpasses mere distaste and veers into anger.. “I was never a prince. None of your dreams ever happened. They’re just meaningless dreams. Don’t be stupid.” 

"Stupid?" You draw back at the sudden outburst. 

"Yes. The whole prince thing is stupid. You need to get out of your head and come back to reality. The whimsical, superstitious act is not cute anymore." He snaps, far too much vitriol in his voice for such a silly topic.

"Why are you being such an ass? Would it hurt you to just listen and laugh with me? Or is the idea of us having a baby together so appalling to you?" You don’t know why you’re going so hard to defend your dreams or why he feels the need to tear them down, but you can’t ignore the sudden shift after he heard you mention the possibility of having a child together, and his answering laugh cuts you deep.

"You don't know anything." Beomgyu says, getting cryptic like he always gets whenever you talk about your dreams. Usually you’d let it go, but not this time. Not when he was so disgusted with the idea of having a child with you.  

"Don't know what?" You ask, frustrated. “That you find the thought of having a child with me so appalling?”

"I don't want to talk about this right now."

Of course, he never wants to talk about it. He always runs away whenever the topic of discussion gets too serious for his liking. For a guy who is so self-proclaimed obsessed with you, he sure does work hard to avoid these meaningful talks. Well, if he wants to avoid it so bad then you’ll make it easy for him. 

"Fine." You hop off the table and go to the bathroom to clean yourself up and change your underwear before going back out, intending to leave the apartment to get some fresh air and most importantly, to get away from Beomgyu. 

But Beomgyu has other ideas, following you at every step like a second shadow, and when he sees you going for the door, he steps in between you and it. "Where are you going?"

"Out."

"I'm coming with you." He states decidedly and you can’t keep the snort out of your mouth. He always does this. He always makes decisions for you. Well, not this time. "No. I need space." 

But he shakes his head firmly. "You're angry. I don't want to let you go angry."

Beomgyu always hated parting from you on bad terms. He always needed to make sure everything was okay before he let you out of his sight. It was sweet at first. You might’ve even considered it healthy at some point, but right now it’s driving you up the wall. Arguments can't always be resolved on the spot, especially when one party refuses to even talk, and so forcing you to be together just ends up with you lashing out because you can't blow off steam. 

But Beomgyu doesn’t care. He just doesn't want you out of his sight. 

"Beomgyu, for fuck's sake, get out of my way. I don’t want to be around you right now." 

"You know I can't let you go angry." He reiterates as if that is a necessity you had to cave to. 

"You're going to have to learn to. If you won’t talk to me then you have to at least give me some space.”

“I can’t.”

“You have to.” You shout, angry and fed up with him. “I don't know what the fuck happened to you in the past to traumatize you like this, because god knows you refuse to tell me, but I can’t coddle you about it anymore. I need to take a breather and I don’t care if you–”

"I lost a baby before." He utters softly but it was deafening to you. 

"What?" 

“Me and my ex, we had a baby on the way but I lost both of them. That’s why the idea of having a baby freaks me out so much. I can’t handle losing another one. I can’t handle losing you.… it’s just–it’s–” He starts tearing and stuttering his words, looking distraught as he attempts to explain himself to you, and you feel absolutely wretched for doubting him. You’re such a fucking bitch for forcing him to reveal this to you, but you’re also selfishly glad he did. Even this tiny sliver of his past is much needed context to explain the man you love so dearly. 

“I—I don’t know what to say.” You pathetically utter after an exorbitant amount of time, never having expected such a revelation. “I’m so fucking sorry.”

You take him into your arms and he sobs against you, holding onto you tightly. "I want to have a child with you. Nothing would make me happier. You have no idea. But I'm just too scared." 

“It’s okay, baby. I don’t want to have a child right now. We can talk about it again in the future. We’ll work it out together, okay?” You pull back slightly–not stepping out of his tight embrace, not that he would’ve let you–and take his face into your hands, wiping his tears off. 

He nods pitifully. “Okay.” 

You should’ve left it at that. He’s in a bad state. You should be comforting him right now, but you’re selfish and this might be the only time he’ll open up to you, and now you have to know. 

"Did… did you love her?" 

"With all my heart." He doesn’t hesitate in answering and you feel a pang of jealousy towards his deceased lover. How fucked up, is that? "More than me?"

He is quiet for a while and every second that passes in silence tears your heart apart. 

"There is no one I love more than you." He finally says and you let out a sigh of relief that was entirely too obvious. 

“Oh god, I’m so sorry. I’m being such a bitch. I’m jealous of a dead girl, how crazy is that?” You ramble nervously, but Beomgyu stops you with a kiss. 

“That’s okay, baby. I know you don’t mean it like that.” He reassures you and you sigh in relief once more. He never judges you for the messed up thoughts you sometimes get. He always understands and emphasizes and that’s part of the reason why you love him so much. 

Still you keep the rest of your questions about her to yourself. It must be a sore subject for him given how he was so protective of it before. The only thing you need to know right now is that you’re the love of his life, not her, not anyone else. You.

____________________

“He’s not trying to keep me away from you. He’s just really clingy. No, he’s not manipulating me–” Your heated defense of your boyfriend is cut off when you spot said boyfriend standing in the doorway of the kitchen where you had been taking your friend’s call so he wouldn’t overhear it. Well, so much for that.

“Oh shit, I'll call you back.” You mutter to your friend and end the call, cutting off the protests on the other line. 

“Was that Yunjin?” He asks and you nod guiltily. Yunjin doesn’t like Beomgyu. She made that very clear to the point that despite you not telling him, he knows it well. 

“She’s just being Yunjin. Don’t mind her.” You try to smooth things over but he shakes his head. “No, it’s my fault. I’m not helping things by keeping you all to myself. It’s just because I love being with you so much, you know that right?”

“I know, baby.” You walk towards him, wrapping your arms around his neck. “I love spending time with you too–hey, here’s an idea. Why don’t you come along? It would be killing two birds with one stone, hanging out with my friends while still being with you. And it’s been so long since they’ve last seen you. I’m sure once they get a look at your cute face, they’d forget all their reservations.” 

You laugh, but Beomgyu looks nervous. “I don’t know. They don’t really like me anymore.” 

“Because they don’t see much of you and you’re taking over all my attention. If they see more of you, they’d fall in love with you all over again.” 

“Are you sure?” 

“I’m sure. You’re irresistible, puppy.” 

_________________________________________

And just like you said, things go well. After your friends get over the initial annoyance that you brought Beomgyu along, they start warming up to him once the conversation starts flowing and Beomgyu’s radiant personality shines through. You’ve even caught Yunjin crack a smile or two at his antics. 

But all your high hopes come crashing down when another person joins your party. The stranger’s name is Taehyun, and he’s apparently the new roommate of one of your friends, which is fine enough, he seems like a nice guy and you’ve always welcomed new additions to your group. 

Beomgyu on the other hand, must feel differently, because as soon as Taehyun joins you, his whole demeanor shifts and he becomes closed off and snappy, getting mean with his comments that were all seemingly directed at the newcomer. It was starting to ruin the mood, making your friends mad again, and so when he makes yet another snarky remark to something Taehyun innocuously said, you have to pull him aside and ask him what his problem is. 

“What the fuck are you doing, Beomgyu? My friends were just starting to warm up to you again. Why are you being such a dick?” 

“I want to go home. I don’t feel very good.” He lies, and you know it’s a lie because he doesn’t sell it very well, glaring daggers at the table where your friends are seated.

“Then go home.” You snap, having little remaining patience for his behavior. 

He gives you a look of betrayal. “You know I can’t leave without you.” 

“You’re going to have to if you can’t act like a fucking adult. The reason I invited you is because I wanted to help smooth things over between you and my friends. I wanted to prove to them that you’re not the manipulative asshole they think you are, but honestly the way you’re acting right now, makes me wonder if maybe they are right and–”

“No they’re not.” He cuts you off, lips tightly pressed together. “Fine, we'll stay.” 

“Beomgyu…” You eye him with doubt but he insists. “I’m fine. Let's go.” 

He drags you back to the table and you stop your protests so your friends can’t hear it. 

Beomgyu is quiet for a while, which doesn’t make for pleasant company, but at least he’s not being an asshole. Well, not for a bit anyway. Because once Taehyun mentions he’s looking for a job and you tell him that your place of work is hiring, Beomgyu starts acting up again.  

“I’m sure he doesn’t want to work as a barista, honey.” Beomgyu speaks over you, but Taehyun rebuts him. “I do. The hours sound good for a student like me and the work doesn’t sound too hard. It’s perfect.”

Once again, Beomgyu speaks instead of you. “But you seem like an intelligent guy. Surely serving coffee to other people would be embarrassing for you.”

“What the hell, Beomgyu?” You hiss, mortified at his implication, and in front of all your friends too. Is that what he really thinks? Does he think your job is embarrassing?

“I just mean that he could be doing something else.” 

“And what does that make me? A loser who isn’t good for anything except serving people coffee, a job you apparently think is humiliating for someone intelligent to have?” 

“You’re overthinking it, baby. I didn’t mean–”

“Oh, I didn’t think my dumb brain was capable of overthinking.” You laugh tearfully, and stand up before your friends could see you cry. “Excuse me.” 

You storm out of the restaurant and Beomgyu follows after you. 

“Baby!” 

You whip around and scream at him. “If you think what I do is so demeaning then why are you even with me?”

“I don’t think that.” He denies vehemently, “I just didn’t want him to work with you. I got bad vibes from that dude.” 

"Not this again.” You groan. Of course this is why he was behaving in such a bizarre and rude manner. Beomgyu is a jealous guy. You tried reassuring him a million times that he’s the only guy for you but to no avail. He gets paranoid and thinks every guy you interact with will steal you away from him, and here he is doing it again. “Are you seriously fucking jealous of a guy I don’t even know?"

“I am not jealous.” He tries to deny, badly. “I told you I got bad vibes from him.”

“Bad vibes?” You laugh hysterically. “If bad vibes are all it takes then I would’ve broken up with you long ago because all my friends got bad vibes from you.” 

He rolls his eyes. “Your friends hate me. They’ll say anything to tear us apart. I bet they even invited that guy just to piss me off.” 

"Oh my god, are you listening to yourself? You’re so–ugh, just please leave me alone, Beomgyu." You try to walk away from him but he quickly reaches out and grabs you by the arm, turning you around to face him, freaked out. "No, please stay."

"Let me go, Beomgyu." You demand, your anger bubbling to dangerous level but Beomgyu stand firm. “No. You can’t leave me.”

“Let me go.” 

“No.” 

“I’m serious, Beomgyu. Leave me the fuck alone.” 

“No.”

You can’t help it. He’s driving you insane, and you can’t hold back anymore. You slap him. 

But you immediately regret it when you see the red mark beginning to bloom across his cheek. 

"Oh god, I'm so sorry. You just drive me–" He kisses you passionately, holding onto you even tighter. 

"Do anything you want to me, I don’t mind. Just don't leave me." He breathes against your lips, eyes looking crazed in their desperation. 

God, this is sick. You shouldn’t entertain this kind of twisted trade-off. You should push him away and demand he leave you be. You shouldn’t take him up on his offer to let you unload your frustrations physically onto him. Maybe you should even end it…

But you can’t. You’re as invested in this as he is. You don’t want to break up with him. You don’t want to leave him. You just want to punish him for the crazy way he’s behaving. You want to feel like you’re not letting him get away with this without actually having to break up with him .

And so you accept his sick offer.

_______________________________

"You're so pathetic, Beomgyu." 

He shudders at your words, and you don’t know if he likes it or hates it. All you know is he tries to reach out to you but his hands are held back by the bindings you’ve fashioned out of your scarves. 

He cries out for you but you have no mercy for him. This is the punishment he chose for himself and you’ll be damned if you don’t make the most of it. 

“You’ve really pissed me off this time, Beomgyu. Acted so crazy just so I wouldn’t leave you. Well, now you get to sit back and watch me fuck myself and you can do nothing about it.” You taunt him as you ride the dildo you have strapped around his abdomen, his own cock brushing up against your ass every time you move, getting enough stimulation to keep him hard but not nearly enough to get him off. 

"Please, sit on my cock. It feels better than that plastic toy. I'm all hard and ready for you. Ride me, please. Cum on my dick. Use me instead of that toy." He babbles, but you don’t listen. 

You want to make him suffer, and you’re scared to dwell too long on where that emotion comes from. You love your boyfriend. You’ve never wanted to hurt him before, but he really pushed you too far this time. 

"You did this. You’re making me do this to you. You’re being a terrible boyfriend." 

"No, don’t say that.” He shakes his head vehemently, getting teary. “I'm sorry. I’ll do anything to make it better. Whatever you want." 

"Will you let him work with me?" You hazard to ask and his face immediately transforms. "No." 

You scoff–so much for being apologetic–and ride the dildo faster, moaning out loud just to piss him off. You see him struggling and feel him trying to buck his hips against you but he can’t accomplish much more than his cock just grazing your ass. 

Still, you can feel the wetness from the precum touching your skin. “You’re fucking ridiculous.” 

“You just don’t know what you are to me.” He counters, leaving you speechless. One thing about Beomgyu is that he will never fail to tell you just how much you mean to him. It’s why you’ve always been so weak when it comes to him. 

But that doesn’t mean you can’t punish him for his behavior. “Clearly not much if you don’t even trust me to work with him.” 

“You don’t know.” He insists, but doesn’t deny your claim which pisses you off even more. 

“Don’t know what? That you think I’ll cheat on you if given the slightest chance? Is that something she did to you? Is that why you’re so fucked up?”

His silence is all you need to know, and you don’t know if you should feel bad for him that the woman he loved so much cheated on him, or angry that he assumes you would do the same just because she did. 

“Fuck you, Beomgyu.” The two emotions mix together and fuel you further, and you put your hand between your legs to touch yourself, getting yourself off if only just to spite him, knowing how much he needs to always be the cause of your pleasure. 

“Baby, please.” He begs, seeing you inch closer to your end, and it’s killing him that he’s not the reason for it. Little does he know that his desperation and blinding need for you is the greatest contributor to your impending fall over the edge. 

But you don’t let him know that, jumping erratically on the dildo and attacking your poor clit with your fingers, sending yourself off on the most emotionally exhausting orgasm of your life. 

“Baby…” You can hear him whimper pitifully in the background, his shape blurry in front of you as you fight off your own tears. “Baby…”

“What is it?” You hiss after your orgasm passes, anger finally overpowering the lust. “Do you want to cum? Is that what you’re concerned about? Your dick?”

“That’s not it.” He tries to deny it but you’re already untying him. And despite his denial, as soon as his hands are free, he tries to reach out to grab you but you take his hands and forcefully pull them off your body. He tries to fight you but you hiss sharply at him, "Stay." 

He whimpers but listens, and when he looks like he won’t go back on his words, you let go of his hands. "Touch yourself."

"I want you to touch me." He whines and you slap his thigh. "You don't get to make demands. Not after the way you behaved in front of my friends. You embarrassed me!"

"I'm sorry." He mewls, one hand going to his dick and the other playing with his nipples, putting on a show for you, needing to gain your favor once again. Which is precisely why you lean over him to grab your phone from the night stand and unlock it, pretending to be scrolling through it as he jerks off. 

“Baby!” He protests heatedly, reaching out to touch you. Beomgyu fucking hates it when you don’t give him any attention. He withers without it.  

“Did I say you could touch me?” You seethe, not bothering to take his hands off this time, opting instead to intimidate him into it, and thankfully he retracts his hands at your tone as if it had burned him. 

“Keep jerking off.” You instruct, and as soon as he does, you go back to looking at your phone. 

"Look at me." He whines, but doesn’t stop this time. You can hear the wet sounds of his hand moving over his cock and see the movement out of the corner of your eyes.

“Please.” 

You ignore him. 

“Just look at me.” 

You keep looking at your phone. 

"Princess…."

You snap your head up, narrowing your eyes at him. He never called you that. In fact, he almost makes it a point not to call you that so he wouldn’t “feed into your prince delusion”. So for him to say that right now was really low. Not that Beomgyu cared, as long as he had your attention. 

"Yeah, yeah, that's it." He moans, thrusting into his fist.

Maybe it's sick. Maybe you're enabling his behavior but god, was it so sexy to have him so completely obsessed with you that just your gaze is enough to get him off. 

“Is this what you want, Beomgyu? For me to look at you and see how you’re such a pathetic slut that you can’t even get off without me giving you my attention?” 

Beomgyu doesn’t even try to deny it, nodding enthusiastically. “Yes. Never want you to look away from me. I missed you so much.” He hiccups, thrusting up into his tight fist. 

Here he goes again, talking about how much he misses you. You’re sure if you spend every single second of your life with him he’d still complain about missing you. You can’t call him out too much on it though–not when you feel the same, not when you thrive on it. 

“Can I cum?” Beomgyu asks breathlessly and you sneer down at him. “No.” 

He lets out a heart-broken moan, hand clenching at your thigh. “No. Please. Need to cum.”

"You don't deserve it. Stop." You say cooly, and he wails. "Please. I need to cum. I can’t–I can’t.”

His voice gets high and breathy, strung out, but you don’t care. No, you relish in it, knowing what you’ll make him do next. "Stop."

He cries out, shaking his head violently, not stopping. "No. No. I need it."

You can see how close he is. You can see his cock flushing red, his balls tightening and his precum pouring out of his head. You have to put a stop to it, physically removing his hands yourself, but as soon as you touch him he loses it, staining your belly with his cum. 

"Ah--ah--oh god–please touch me–please." He bucks his hips in the air, unable to reach you, and cries, tears pouring down his face. "I love you. I love you. Please use me. Please don't leave me.” 

You've never been this rough with Beomgyu and for a second you wonder if you're going too far, but he looks so fucked out by the way you’re being mean to him that you can’t back down now.

Still he is your sweetheart. He’ll always be your sweetheart and you can’t bear to see him in such distress, even if he brought it onto himself with his jealous and obsessive ways.

"Hush, Beomgyu." You murmur, grabbing his dick and jerking him off. He gasps from the overstimulation, his hooded eyes blowing wide as he grabs onto the sheets, but he doesn’t stop you, thrusting his hips up into your grip instead. 

"Ah–oh fuck–AHH–" 

"Cum for me, Beomgyu." Your hand blurs over his cock, wet slapping sounds filling the room as your fist collides with his balls on each downstroke. 

"Yes–princess–all for you." If you didn’t know any better, you would’ve found the sound of him calling you ‘princess’ the most natural thing in the world. As if he had always done it. As if he truly believes it. 

But it’s all just to get you to give him what he wants, and sadly, it works. You’re as weak for him as he is for you. It’s unhealthy–is what your friends have told you after his charms have worn off in their eyes, but you fear it would never wear off for you. You’re absolutely, sickeningly in love with him and that’s why you’ll always make excuses to let him do the crazy things he does to you and for you. 

And the things you do to him. 

Beomgyu looks spent after his orgasm and he tries to pull you down in his arms to cuddle, but you stop him. 

"Wait a second." You say, grabbing a few tissues and wiping yourselves off. 

His hold on you remains so tight you feel his heart beat furiously against your chest. "I'm sorry for what I’ve said. I just don't want you to work with him."

You look up at him, mind a little clearer now that you’re all wrapped up in his warmth, feeling safe in his embrace. 

"I will work with him. You need to get over your jealousy. I've had enough." You inform him simply. Yes, you’ve done nothing but entertain his delusions so far, but it’s high time for you to starting actually doing something about it. You know you’ll only be ruining yourself later if you don’t. Who knows what he’ll demand next if you let this go. For you to not talk to other men? To stop seeing your friends who are trying to tear you apart? To quit your job so you’d always be around him? No, you have to put your foot down now. 

Beomgyu looks so pissed off at what you’ve said, but he doesn’t say anything. He just holds you tightly, burying his face in your neck and gripping onto you so hard, you’re sure his fingers will leave marks. That’s fine. You’ll just wear something to cover the bruises. Just as long as you make this work. 

________________________________________

That night, you have another dream about prince Beomgyu, but this time a new character makes an appearance, and that is Lord Taehyun. 

"What are you doing here?" Dream Beomgyu bursts into your room, finding you and Taehyun together. 

"I came to visit the lady." Taehyun’s demeanor appears relaxed but you can see the tension around the edges of his mouth.

"Beomgyu, relax–" You try to calm him down, and he turns on you. "How long has he been here? Did he do anything to you?" 

“No, we just talked!” You snap, trying to yank your hand back from him but his grip is bruisingly-tight.“How did he get in?” 

“That’s none of your business.” You refuse to tell him but that just sets him off.

“You are my business.” He shouts, making Taehyun get up, “Let her go. You’re hurting her.” 

“Fuck you.” Beomgyu was becoming aggressive, and Taehyun looked quite on edge himself. You knew you had to be the one to de-escalate this situation before it exploded so you step closer to Beomgyu and hiss in his ear. “Get a grip, Beomgyu.” You hiss lowly at him then turn to Taehyun with an apologetic look. “I’m sorry, Taehyun. I need to talk to Beomgyu privately.” 

The dream ends there, and when you wake up in the morning, you make no mention of it to Beomgyu.

_____________________

A/N: Well its' finally here folks. Don't know how many chapter this will be but I hope you like it anyway.

#txt smut #beomgyu smut #sub!reader #dom!reader #sub!idol #dom!idol #female reader #afab reader

[lovejosephquinn]

joe being self conscious about his body because he gained weight back after playing eddie and everyone on social media was commenting on it, so he tries to stealth diet but the reader isn’t having it...he winds up cuffed to the bed while the reader gives him the sloppiest head of his life and rides him lovingly

The filth that entered my head when I read this idea, oh my GOODNESS.

I honestly would be so sad if it really got to him if that was the case but we're all human right???? HE'S PERFECT IN ANY SHAPE TYVM

Thank you so much for requesting x

Warnings: slight angst, fluff and 100% smutty smut

Word Count: 1.6k

UNDER 18'S DNI x

Nobody Compares To You.

Joe had tried everything to keep his weight down from seeing the comments that had been made about him from certain individuals since he'd finished his role as Eddie in Stranger Things, he'd begged you to let him try just one last diet before he gave up completely. It completely angered every cell in your body that he would even think he needed to lose weight, the anxiety it caused him was uncanny.

He was by no means overweight; you knew he'd had to lose a little bit of it for the role originally but how he'd got into his head that he'd put all of his weight on was ridiculous. Joe wasn't usually one to listen to other people's stupidity but being thrown straight into the limelight was something that had seemed to put instant pressure on him to look good. Your man always looked fucking fantastic, and it was obvious that in the end going to be down to you to get this vision of himself he'd got out of his head and stop listening to the people diminishing his self-confidence.

You walked in from work one particular night, and it was the final straw. You caught Joe staring at himself in the mirror, pressing down onto his stomach (which was naturally toned in itself). You greeted him, giving him a soft kiss to his lips. "Hello my love. Did you eat dinner already?"

He shook his head as he threw you a sad look. "No, I didn't eat today, I didn't feel like it."

You threw your bag to the floor in a tantrum, you'd given it a few weeks to see if it had blown over, but now you were truly noticing the effect it was having on his mental health, never mind anything else. His eyes flew to the object that landed with a thud and you finally spoke out after pandering to his needs. "Joe, for the life of me I can't understand why now you choose to worry about your weight, you've never been bothered about what people say, you're usually so confident and now you've truly become obsessed by it. You're perfect, baby, why? You're so beautiful in every way, you look comfortable with yourself. You were like this before you lost weight for Eddie's role. There's nothing wrong with you, I'm sorry if I sound harsh - I'm not just getting it, help me understand."

He was taken back by your words as you took his hand, led him into the living space and pushed him straight down to the sofa, he would get it into his head one way or another and you were finishing this tonight. You moved back and forth in front of him trying to regain your composure. He opened his mouth and then closed it again, clearly thinking about how to come out with what he was about to.

"I'm just listening to them because in the end it all comes down to you, I just don't want you to find out that you're less attracted to me anymore."

Absolutely not, never.

"Are you being serious Joseph" The use of his full name was only used in particular moments, he knew you were upset. "You are such an idiot. If anything, I prefer your natural self, you're toned, you look healthy, and your glow is perfect. I am obsessed with you, how could you ever think that I wouldn't find you attractive, ever?" Your face dropped, you'd have to use your actions, because words were clearly not enough at this point. You dropped to your knees and started to undo his button and zipper on his trousers, there was no time to waste here.

"Love, wait, what are you doing?"

"Showing you how much I still fucking love you, Quinn, if your head won't listen, your dick certainly will."

He head in fact was infatuated by the idea as pushed his hips up so you could take his trousers and boxers off in one foul swoop, chucking them over to the other side of the room, abandoned and forgotten.

You spat on your hand and began to pump his now semi erected cock slowly. It wasn't just Joe's handsome face or his body that wound you up, his cock was just as god damn perfect as the rest of him.

It didn't take him long when he was in the warmth of your hand to get rock hard for you, it's just what your touch does to him. You look up from where you're kneeling in front of him. "You ready for the best damn blowjob, baby?"

His nod was fast as his eyes glared down to what was going on in front of him. "Are you ready?"

Before he could answer you hold up his member, licking a stripe from his balls all the way up to the tip and the delicious whimper that came out of his mouth was captivating, there were no sounds like the ones your boyfriend came out with during times like this. Your lips hovered over his end, making his heart race at the thought of feeling your lips around his cock, you looked up to him and smiled making him bite his lip, he loved nothing more than seeing you cock hungry as you let out that little smirk that drove him crazy. Your hand was holding the bottom, you covered the tip with your lips and sucked slightly, earning another moan out of Joe's mouth.

"Fuck." He threw his head back as you started to take his cock into your mouth, inch by inch, little by little until you found all you could take and sucked at a moderate pace. Throbbing in your mouth, you used the rest of his cock left free to twist your hand around.

"Baby, slow down, it feels too damn good, if you keep this up I'm going to cum soon."

You took his cock out of your mouth in an instant and shook your head, leading your thumb to cover the top of the tip, pre cum leaking onto it. "You'll cum when I say you can cum, Joseph." You removed your thumb and placed it into your mouth to taste the fluid. His bottom lip was being bit so hard by his teeth that he could've drawn blood. Submissive Joe was something you loved to see every now and then, and right now he was caving to your every move.

Without warning, you pushed your head right down, taking a little more than you could handle, gagging and groaning, saliva dripping out of your mouth and more pre cum sliding its way down your throat. Moving your hand down to his balls to massage them tight. He tasted so good.

"Y/N, please, I-I'm so close."

You ripped yourself apart from his erection, standing up and lifting your dress up and bringing your panties down.

"W-what are you doing now?"

He stared at you as you mounted yourself onto his lap, you were soaking through your panties as soon as you'd started to touch him so there was no need to get yourself ready. Taking him into a heated kiss, your mouths were writhing against one another. You took the opportunity to surprise him by pushing your hand between you and sitting down on his cock until he was buried deep in you, the fullness got to you as much as it did him. You broke the kiss and pressed your foreheads together, not taking a second glance anywhere else but at each other while you began to bounce on his cock quicker than you'd ever started too before. This was definitely all about him.

His breathing became heavier as you watched his mouth gaping open, the profanities, the moans, the way your name fell out of his mouth with such desire. His cock hit your sweet spot with every rebound, causing your hands wrapped around the back of his neck to scratch where they sat, leaving trails of nail marks.

"I'm begging you, baby, let me come inside of you, please, I can't hold it much longer, your tight pussy feels too d-damn g-good"

You stopped bouncing suddenly and proceeded to sway your hips in a slow but fierce pace, riding the life out of him. His moans were so loud, the way he held your waist in place and squeezed his fingers when it felt the best, he guided your hips to move you faster. "Cum for me, Joe, right now."

He needn't hear another word as leaking nerve began to explode. You felt it, clenching your walls to get more release out of him, the way you'd built him up and denied his orgasm at first, only made it more powerful and in turn over stimulated the hell out of him. Joe panted for breath; your name cursed out of his mouth as you rode him through his climax.

You climbed off of him, leaving his now softening dick wet against his stomach as his head lay against the top of the cushion, staring into nothingness, clearly seeing stars and too hypnotised to notice you'd gone to clean up. You brought a towel to sort himself out too once he'd regained full consciousness.

You pulled your panties up and handed him back his clothing. You sat by him on the sofa in complete bliss, there no was no other way to feel when you and Joe shared an intense situation like that. His arm creeped around your shoulder and pulled you in for you to lay your head on his chest, you could feel his heart returning back to a steadier pace as you arched your neck up to look at your significant other. "Now do you believe me? That I'm crazy for you and I love you so much, today and every day."

He looked down to hold your stare, his eyes looking a little brighter now. "You proved your point, Y/N. I love you so much more."

#my asks #lovely anon #requests are open #request #joe quinn fanfic #joequinn #josephquinn #joseph quinn fanfiction #joseph quinn #joe quinn x reader #joe quinn #joseph quinn character #joesph quinn #joseph quinn fic #joseph quinn fluff #joseph quinn imagine #joseph quinn smut #joseph quinn x reader #joseph quinn x you #jospeh quinn #joseph quinn blurb #joe quinn x you #joe quinn x y/n #joe quinn smut #joe quinn blurb #joe quinn imagine #joe quinn fluff #joe quinn angst #eddie munson #eddiemunson

[galvanizedfriend]

hi, yokan <3

I read that in Brazil there's a week-break because of carnival, therefore I hope you're finally having a bit of rest!

I was wondering if you could post an outtake with the klaroeve scene? from you comment I understood that there was more than that little scene in the latest chapter, and I would LOVE to read it!

sorry if I sound rude or pressuring, it's not my intention at all :(( I'm just Eve's third parent, I need more scenes with my babygirl being adorable 😭😭

I totally get why you don't put more of her in the main story. I ALWAYS say that babyplots are terrible due to a lot of factors, one of them being the constant present of a baby who basically does nothing (rightfully, since, yk, it went out of the whomb last year) and that adds nothing to the plot but just terrible fan service.

I think most people would agree with this, maybe even you!

HOWEVER, my little wolf/fish/mermaid is THE exception and I would love to see more of her, and, since u have a series dedicated to those fluffy moments that don't exactly fits with the plot, I really wish you will post something there 😭😭

sorry for bothering you, I hope you'll have a good day!

P.S.

totally off-topic but I also read some of your comments in Portuguese (AT LEAST I think it's Portuguese 😭) and I understood like 80% of it, privileges of being Italian ‼‼ so lol now you really can't escape me >:)

Yes, it's Carnaval right now! It's a nearly weak-long holiday, but it sadly ends on Wednesday. 😢 And I was technically on call yesterday, so 😂 But I am very much enjoying not doing anything 🤷‍♀️

About the baby thing, yes. 😂 I've been so lucky to get some passionate readers almost from the start with this fic and to have people who are still reading it a ton of years later, but I've also had to read some very mean things over the years that have stuck with me. It has made me extremely self-conscious about this story. I sometimes find myself almost apologizing for writing it, like I'm commiting some kind of crime against fandom or like I should be banned for inflicting this upon people for as long as I have. I wish I could be the kind of person who just doesn't care and remains blissfully unbothered, but I'm not. I'm not a naturally confident person in any way, and that kind of thing does get to me.

It's gotten better, of course. I care a lot less now than I used to, and the fic is not as popular as it was a few years ago either, so there's that But some of that stuff has just ingrained itself into my brain. Objectively I know this is stupid and I don't owe anybody anything, I don't have to apologize for writing a fanfiction for god's sake. There's room for everyone in fandom. I can have a corner to rewrite the show and have a magical Klaroline baby, fuck it. Who cares, you know? But it's almost stronger than me sometimes, I don't realize I'm doing it. I get this feeling that I need to be more critical otherwise people are going to think it's ridiculous and OOC and nobody's gonna want to read it anymore and etc etc. It's exhausting. And it's obviously nobody's fault, it's just me in my own head, but that's how it goes.

The scene you're talking about in particular. I had it written years ago. Literal years, maybe 2021 or early 2022. Some of my friends had even already read it a loooong time before the chapter was finished. And I was convinced that it was so cute and totally fine. Then as I wrapping up the chapter, I started getting this itch that it was actually ridiculous and the folks who had read it didn't say anything because they were being nice, they didn't want to hurt my feelings, and I had to get delete it. So I did. In all truth, I think the chapter is more polished like this. But then I removed a family scene and ended up writing smut that also had no place in the chapter, so. 🤷‍♀️

Anyway, I'm sorry for the rambly response. 🥲 I'll tell you this: I will read the deleted scene again and if I feel it's not dumpster-fire bad, I will post it here. But I need to check it first, because there is chance that it's not just my paranoid head telling me to get rid of the baby scenes and it really is just that bad. 😂

And as for the last part, yes, it's Portuguese. It's my native language. And it's so funny how Italian, Spanish and Portuguese can be so similar. I understand Spanish much better than Italian, but I do get some of it as well. Latin languages 🤜🤛 (except French, I don't understand French at all 😂)

#yokan answers #feat-peach

[dreamties]

Reader W/ a Clingy! Kurt Kunkle

A/n- clingy killers??? hello?? this is my favorite flavor of slasher. (that. or letting us be clingy <333)

Requested by Anon! :)

The headcanon section is relatively short, but I also added a sort of oneshot bit that lands at 546 words! Enjoy folks <3

Pre-Relationship

Kurt has never heard of this "personal boundary" people speak of

he's always hanging off of you in same way. holding on your arm, and holding hands- in public, at home . . . just the two of you, in videos, what not.

This is also specifically in the context of being friends

you think it's just Kurt being affectionate, it's really sweet, actually. but he has no idea how to communicate that it's more than that

that he needs your attention, and care, and he wants to show you how much he loves you but it's difficult to say that aloud, yknow?

kurt is soooo sensitive to rejection it's not even funny (is it the RSD related to him being an ADHDer???? lol probably)

Dating <3

he would be less clingy when you start dating but at the same time be more so clingy????

kurt can be full of multitudes as a lil treat <3

less physically clingy, and more emotionally so

like he has this energy that begs and whines for your attention

and he's so terrified of losing you, even if he doesn't feel the need to constantly be letting the world know you're his by an arm around the shoulder anymore. he just NEEDS them to instinctively know by seeing the two of you together, and HELL be damned if they don't. because the two of you are so obviously together and would Never break up <3333

sometimes he gets self-conscious about how much he needs you. like it's probably SO FRUSTRATING to deal with him . . . right?

He gets better at opening up when you're finally together

so hopefully you can recognize when he's feeling down and out of it and help to comfort him.

"Kurt?" You rest your body against the door frame, waiting for a response from your boyfriend. "Babe?"

You sigh. "I'm worried about you, you haven't left your room all day. Kurt, honey, please open the door."

You can hear scurrying beyond the door, a familiar click of his computer turning on. He opens the door with a wide smile, "I was just about to go on stream."

"We need to talk."

He kind of shakes his head yet pretends he doesn't hear you all together. "C'mon, please? You should join me. The Kurties would love to have you back."

"Kurt. . ."

"Please?"

You let out a frustrated sigh. "Fine, but we're talking after."

He smiles and nods. He drags you into his room, where he has his entire streaming set up, by your hand. You close the door behind the two of you. He settles into his gaming chair, and tugs at your hand, motioning for you to come sit with him.

"I can just get a chair from the garage, hun."

"No, please, it's okay."

You recognize his behavior as clingy. The whole reason you had been worried today is that he hadn't been clingy. He had not kept you company in your office while you worked, did not hang out in the kitchen as you made late breakfast for yourself (usually you would make extra, and give it to him, so you could eat at the table together). He did not once try to chat your ear off.

You should be happy that he seems to find his place back in his skin, but something's still off.

What happened to your baby, to make him think he shouldn't do that? That he shouldn't be close, and loving, and with you.

"Okay." You agree and slip yourself onto his lap. He fiddles a bit more with his software and the camera angle, before hitting start on the stream.

"Hey, what's up, everybody? Welcome back to Kurtzworld! I'm joined by my wonderful partner today."

He waves, greeting everyone that joins, he slowly moves so that his arms connect around you and he's leaning his chin- comfortably and soft- in the crook of your shoulder.

You wave to his audience, as well. You'd done this a hundred times- and you'd do it forever, if that's what Kurt wanted.

"What do you have planned today?" You smile towards him and gives a ridiculous look back.

"Not much, thinking we could answer some questions. How's the sound, Kurties?" He looks towards the chat for approval. It's resounding with praise.

His eyes glance towards yours, begging if it's okay.

You give him a genuine look, it's serious- and he knows he can't ignore his feelings forever, that as soon as the camera's off, that you will be forcing him to have an honest conversation on why he's been so off lately. But he can also tell you're proud of him- which you are, you always- that he found a way to reach out to you and get what he wanted.

You drop the seriousness, the direct request for a conversation- for now. You kiss his cheek. You're happy to play along.

"Of course, honey, I love you."

You laugh as Kurt grows red in the face, acting all cute and embarrassed.

#kurt kunkle x reader #kurt kunkle #kurt kunkle x you #kurt kunkle x y/n #slashers x reader #slashers x y/n #slashers x you #slashers x s/i #kurt kunkle x s/i #spree #spree movie #spree 2020 #reblogs are appreciated #seriously folks #reblogs and engagement besides likes is !!! so sweet actually <3

[ghost-proofbaby]

I'm asking this of several people because I'm curious about the general consensus on the topic. The general consensus for Eddie is that he'd absolutely be down for being involved romantically with a plus size girl.

What do you think Steve's take on it would be?

Any thoughts as to Billy's, Hopper's, and Enzo's takes on the same subject?

as a plus size girl myself, i think my answer is always going to be yes. idc if that’s biased or not.

with steve, my biggest thing is it’d probably be post season 3, maybe season 2. king steve in season 1 gives me the vibes of some guys i know from high school who would only hook up with plus size girls, but never be caught dead publicly dating them lmao 💀 we all know the type. BUT post season 3? oh fucking absolutely. he reminds me of trevor wagner (i think that’s his name?) on tik tok. finding every reason possible to go to the gym and build muscles until he could absolutely throw you around like a rag doll. if you made comments on your weight, even small things like refusing to sit in his lap because you think you’d crush him, he’d take it as a challenge. steve harrington’s ridiculously competitive nature would come out in full force, and he’d prove you wrong by all means necessary. i think he’d only have to be crushed by your thighs one time, and the man would be a fucking goner. always thinking about soft curves and the way he just wants to fucking worship you, to learn every curvature and line of your body so carnally. steve is just a massive simp in my mind, and again, i might be biased as a plus size girl myself, but i don’t think weight can change that.

as for the rest of the stranger things men, it’s still a resounding yes. especially for the older men. especially hopper. i also, again, am biased because i know between the fact that hopper is a bigger man himself and is very tall, so his clothes would actually fit me ‘huge’ unlike eddie’s or steve’s 😭

also just a small headcanon i learned from my guy friends that now lives rent free in my mind — you know how thigh highs sometimes squeeze thighs, and like, the fat spills over? you know how it sometimes makes us (or maybe just me idk) feel uncomfortable and a little self conscious? apparently a lot of guys go fucking nuts over that. they see that, and aren’t all grossed out as i get with my body about it, but instead just become fucking horn dogs for it. hence why some guys love thigh highs.

eddie, steve, and hopper share that sentiment. anything that might be a source of insecurity for you (and me!) actually drives them insane. they aren’t looking at your body with that judgmental gaze that’s been ingrained in us: they’re looking at it as just a body, and fuck, do they love your body. and even more so, they love the person that resides in that body.

at the end of the day, i think they’re all grown enough that they don’t care. like i said, season 1 steve might have a fear of how he’s perceived with a plus sized girl, but current steve? eddie? hopper? nah. it doesn’t even cross their mind. they’re just simps. all they know is they love you, and they’re damn proud for a 10 like yourself to have chosen them.

anyways. this might be a longer answer than necessary but i just. i’d really like these fictional men to worship my body while also simultaneously still treating me like a human being. asking for a lot. i know. they would, though. i know it. i feel it in my bones. 🥲

#i have thought about writing something since learning about that thigh high tid bit #it’s haunted me because i refuse to wear thigh highs due to how they squeeze my thighs lmao #to know some men go feral over it? insane #this is also heavily based on *my* experience as a plus size girl #thank u ily #they’d just be proud to love you and honored that you reciprocate

[doobnnoob-tf2]

what do you think the mercs biggest insecurities are? (if this is fine to ask about ^^")

trust me, I'm down to answer almost anything - I love deep diving into these guys!

Scout: his “boyish charm”.  he strives to be some kinda heartthrob but he’s always brushed off as baby-faced and cute.  he sees the other guys around him and sees how people stare at them from afar with a dreamy gaze in their eye, and he’s lucky if some mom comes over and asks if he’s lost in the grocery store.

Soldier: his intelligence.  let’s face it, he’s not the brightest.  but ignorance is bliss and he’s one happy guy.  the thing is he doesn’t realize he’s being stupid, and once he realizes it hits him hard.  he won’t show it, but later when he’s alone he’ll dwell on it for a bit.

Pyro: their scars.  they’re covered in burn scars on their body, not that anyone would know that.  they’ll never tell the story on where they came from.  they’re just glad none of it is on their face - not that they’d reveal that to anyone either.  they still love fire, and the marks are just a grim reminder you don’t fuck around with it.  it’s a reminder to respect it.

Demoman: his accent.  he’s proud of his heritage, but when he goes off on a tangent he can see the confusion on everyone’s faces.  it’s both awkward and frustrating having to explain what you’ve said so people can understand you.  no one ever makes him feel bad about it, they’re all very nice actually.  but he tries to make the effort to control it a lot.

Heavy: his size.  he has a love-hate relationship with how large of a man he is.  on one hand, it makes her perfect for being a big defender.  he can take the frontline for his team, or fight bears to feed his family.  but on the other hand, it makes him very self conscious around those much smaller than he is.  he’s always worried about hurting someone without meaning to.  some days are much better than others, some days are much worse.  he goes back and forth a lot with how he feels about himself.

Engineer: his work ethic.  he’s very driven in his work, almost a little too much.  it gets exhausting but he has a hard time shutting his brain off and relaxing.  drunken engineering projects with the team are fun, but when everyone just wants to relax and hang out?  he’s fidgety.  he’s wanting to go down and tinker with something, and it makes him feel bad because he feels like his team doesn’t realize how much he enjoys being around them.

Medic: his eyesight.  he knows it’s ridiculous when some of the others on the team don’t have good eyes either.  but being so near-sighted is a pain at times for him.  he can barely see his hands in front of his face without his glasses.  and his glasses constantly need to be cleaned, and the hassle of getting news one is always a pain.  his birds are constantly moving them when he takes them off to sleep and having to fumble around to find them is embarrassing.

Sniper: his nose.  his mum always loved it but he hates it.  when he gets flustered, it turns even redder than the rest of his face.  it’s the reason why when he gets flustered he hides his face in his hat.  it’s big and awkward and he hates it when someone says anything about it.

Spy: his face.  he rarely has his mask off, sometimes he even forgets what he looks like.  he’s getting up there in age and he knows he’s not in his golden years anymore and it genuinely eats away at him.  he can smooth talk his way out of anything, but he knows the lack of a proper face adds to the mystery and makes people swoon.  he doesn’t think he looks good anymore and frets anyone he got close enough with to take his mask off for would agree.

#tf2 #team fortress 2 #tf2 headcanons #tf2 scout #tf2 soldier #tf2 pyro #tf2 demoman #tf2 heavy #tf2 engineer #tf2 medic #tf2 sniper #tf2 spy #sharing one braincell

[russilton]

YES, fuck, the little quirks Lewis has are actually so personal to me and I love the easy, fond way George seems to address them, now that he's been around Lewis a lot.

I have adhd too and I used to be really self concious about it showing. I've never been loud or interruptive, but I am pretty much unable to stand or sit still for a long while which can get on peoples nerves too. I always need to have something to fidget with, keep my hands busy. That's something I used to be teased about a lot by friends, never in a mean way, but it made me really self aware nonetheless. I'm actually fine with focusing on tasks at hand or with coping well under stress, but I constantly forget things, from eating to appointments, I'd be so lost without my alarms and calenders. And zoning out used to be a big problem when I was younger, in lager settings, it's what me got diagnosed. It's still not great. I can focus on a conversation when I'm directly involved or when it's a topic of interest, but if it's just about listening out of politeness when the conversation hasn't got anything to do with me or doesn't resolve around something I want to know about? I don't know how people do it, I never will.

So it's a little silly, but seeing Lewis being fidgety, hearing about how spontaneous he is, knowing how many interests he has, how he turns everything in his head into creativity, or just reading stuff like today about with him just randomly wandering off, just because that's just how he is sometimes... it's strangely comforting. And witnessing the reaction of fans who think that him just being himself is cute or charming or relatable (!) instead of weird... it's given me a lot more confidence over the years I've been a fan. Not to mention how absolutely unapologetic he is for just being who he is and expressing himself. And how adored he is by everyone who meets him, loved and still so extremely respected. For being the best at what he does and for putting everything he has into it. It's comforting and inspiring.

And George being so used to it makes me smile. He seems fond and that feels ridiculously important to me. Everyone has quirks and ticks and finding people who like or even just accept that about you, without making a deal out of it is the best thing!!

Hey, I’m right with you on the self conscious thing. It took a very long time for me to get diagnosed, in fact I was only diagnosed at 22, and it’s not like my presentation was mild. I grew up ostracised as weird, obsessive, and unable to read when people were mad or disliked me. I was always that kid obsessed with that thing, called childish for not catching up with my peers despite being like by adults for a maturity I didn’t understand why I had.

Part of diagnosis is you start to present MORE after, as you let yourself do things you always wanted to. It used to make me feel shamed when I couldn’t focus on people talking to me, or when my leg shakes so hard it rattles tables. But seeing Lewis do what he does reminds me that there’s an incredible upside to these differences, the focus and creative depth. I can’t make phone calls but I can sit and recite rules to you years after I learned them, hyper focus is it’s own weird little super power.

I like seeing someone like me, and the people that accept him as he is. I like seeing someone in George’s case, push back and argue against anyone who might say differently.

Thanks for sharing that anon, I can certainly agree

#asks #anonymous #personal

[jenleigh1]

3, 7, 13 for the writing ask game!!

Thanks for the questions!

3. What is your writing ritual and why is it cursed?

I suppose everyone's writing ritual feels cursed at times, doesn't it?? 😂 When I settle in to work on a fic, I like to have comfy PJs on. A cup of tea or a glass of wine isn't mandatory, but they're nice to have.

I find it hard to jump right in and *start*, most days, so I usually warm up a bit by reading back over the last couple of pages that I've already got written. I edit quite a bit as I go along, so I'll often tweak some things while I'm at it - then, when I get to the end of that section (where I left off, the day before) it's often a bit easier to continue from there. It's, like... a way of giving myself some momentum, I guess??

7. What is your deepest joy about writing?

Writing is hard, painstaking, time-consuming work. On the face of it, it feels like a bit of an odd hobby to have, since I wouldn't necessarily say I'm 'having fun,' exactly, while I do it. (A lot of the time, at least!) And yet...

There's something so incredibly satisfying about reading back over a thing you've written, and thinking "Yes! That's it, right there. That's what I was trying to say." Having a finished piece that I'm genuinely pleased with is such an incredible thing. Like... I wanted this to exist, and now it does. ❤ It's a very cool feeling. There's nothing else quite like it.

13. What is a subject matter that is incredibly difficult for you write about? What is easy?

Ha. You know, when I first started dabbling in fanfic writing (years ago, now!), I was incredibly self-conscious about sex scenes. Like... OMG, all these people on the internet are going to know I've been thinking about this! But, yeah. The thing is - for the most part, all the other people in your fandom are thinking about it too, which is why they're reading your fic. SO!

That realization helped a lot. I'm also a lot less bothered in general by What People Might Think (tm) than I used to be when I was younger, so I just kind of do my thing and write what makes me happy.

Nowadays, honestly, the smut is probably the easiest part! 😂 Because my brain goes, "hey! here's a scenario that appeals to me..." And then I figure out the context (and plot, if applicable!) from there. Scenes that I can picture really vividly and am excited to get down on paper are easy, relatively speaking. It's all the in-between stuff that's hard.

As far as things that I find particularly challenging, currently?

In the MGS fandom, I'm constantly cursing the fact that Otacon is a computer genius, because I am decidedly *not* - so when I'm writing about mission stuff from his POV, I have to spend ridiculous amounts of time googling random computer topics just so I can figure out what kind of terminology he might use and get the basic gist of how the thing works that he's talking about.

I also don't have a whole lot of direct experience with young children, so I'm always a little intimidated by including them in fics (i.e., Sunny) in a way that feels natural. Sometimes it can't be helped, so I just do the best I can!

#answered asks #nerdy writing stuff

[leonbloder]

A Lack of Civility

There is a decided lack of civility in our culture these days that I find pretty disturbing.

By bringing this up, I probably sound like one of those "get-off-my-lawn" dudes, but people are just not as polite as they used to be. Too many of us are just one annoyance away from flying off the handle or worse.

If you spend any time on the Internet, you will likely see some of the many videos of people absolutely losing their minds at restaurants, parking lots, road rage incidents, airlines, and the like.

If you haven't, don't. If you have any left, it will chip away at your faith in humanity.

I have been mindful of my actions and reactions when I'm out in the world doing things because I desperately don't want to contribute to the negative energy that is so prevalent around us.

It comes down to being conscious of other people and curious about the situations you find yourself in.

Your slow service at a restaurant may not be the server's fault. They have too many tables because the place is understaffed.

That bored, sullen cashier might just light up the room with a smile if you compliment them on something or ask how their day is going and mean it.

The person who cut you off in traffic may not have seen you because, like you, they were probably paying attention to other things. Let anyone without sin in that category feel free to cast the first stone, am I right?

That hard conversation with someone you disagree with may be an opening for something deeper and real, a way to find common ground if you look past the bluster and frustration.

When we think of other people as opponents, antagonists, or simply the object of our ire, we really do reduce them to objects, gloss over their humanity, and forget altogether that they are a child of God.

And sometimes, our hard words or actions can have a lasting impact on others.

George Bernard Shaw once wrote:

It is easy, terribly easy, to shake a man’s faith in himself. To take advantage of that to break a man’s spirit, is devil’s work.

Many of us have had our faith in ourselves shaken by people who have said or done things that have broken our spirits. We know what it feels like to be filled with self-doubt because of ridicule, demeaning words or actions, and sometimes outright abuse.

I find that one of the best ways to keep from turning into a person who lashes out in anger, intent on wounding someone who has injured me, is to remember that Jesus forgave the people jeering at him while he hung on the Cross.

If those of us who say we want to be Jesus-followers would genuinely follow him, we need to bring that moment to mind whenever we are tempted to react with negativity to the frustrating things that people will do around us.

May it be so, and may the grace and peace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with us now and always. Amen.

#presbymusings #leonbloder #dailydevotional #dailydevotion #christian living #faith #spiritualgrowth #leon bloder #spirituality #dailydevo

[a-quiet-borderline-diary]

I haven't written in a while.

I have been feeling a bit down lately because I don't have many friends, and none are as close to me like friends I had when I was younger. I am 32, so I know this is part of getting older because many people are just busy with their lives.. But I just miss it.

Sometimes I blame myself for it, or wonder if the more someone learns about me and gets to know me, the more likely they are to pull away.

I usually tell potential friends that I am bisexual/polyamorous/neurodivergent (adhd) pretty early on and maybe that oversharing is alienating. I'm afraid that if I'm not upfront though, that people will suddenly flip on me later. I have rejection trauma for being bisexual and for being polyamorous.

Although polyamory isn't an identity in the same way as being queer, it is a lifestyle that is often not accepted and sometimes ridiculed by others of all sexualities and genders.

People can say some pretty mean stuff about polyam folks. Like ok, I get it isn't for you. But why are we constantly called degenerates and cucks?? I don't watch my partners do things with others. We simply have multiple relationships. I don't even know why I try to make others understand, because we shouldn't even need to be understood to be respected.

Also, of course, being neurodivergent and mentally ill alienates me from others sometimes as well. I know that because I struggle with chores my house isn't always up to par so I feel self conscious to invite people over. But it seems like on occasions where I actually clean well and plan for guests that not many people even come.

Meds have done a lot for helping me to not get into arguments/fights with friends and partners as much as when I was younger. I lost a lot of friends in the past to this, but now it is too late to salvage those relationships.

I keep trying to start new and it just seems like I never will where I'm living now. I managed to make a few friends to hang out with occasionally but I feel like only my romantic partners (2) really know me and understand me. I feel like I am cursed always masking around friends or potential friends and it prevents me from getting closer. I even heard one girl who I thought was my friend thinks I'm fake. I'm trying to be fucking polite and not be a freak. But ok I guess that makes me fake. I can't win.

I think some of my unmasked behaviors are also just hard to accept. Even my romantic partners think I'm a little cringe sometimes but they love me so they are able to find endearment in it that other people probably won't. I do things like act very childish and make random noises. I fidget twirling my hair and biting at my nailbeds. It might not sound extreme or anything, but my disposition differs pretty greatly from how I behave in public and with friends I have not felt comfortable to unmask around.

A lot of my problem is region based though, and I know that (I live in a rural area, and I'm from a larger city where I had a better opportunity to meet like minded folks.) It doesn't make me feel much better about myself though.

I have over a year until we can move away from this region but it can't come soon enough. I'm 32 and I am afraid my best years are just over. I'm still often told I look 25 and I'm still attractive.. Albeit a little overweight now (but in a milf way!) so I don't feel like I have lost my youth yet but I don't want too much time to pass by where I must remain stagnant.

At least I have my 2 wonderful partners with me every day. We all live together and we are very happy otherwise. My boys are homebodies so they aren't as bothered by being in a rural area as I am though.

My husband is my best friend and our dynamic is very sassy and fun. He has been there for me through many struggles in my life and I have for him as well. We have been married nearly a decade.

My bf is wonderful as well, but a newer relationship. We have been together a bit over a year. He gets along well with my husband and they share a lot of hobbies. He is so gentle and remarkable at solving conflicts. I don't think I've ever truly had a fight with him.

All of us also share similar values and beliefs in general so it feels like I'm with my people. I just wish I had more platonic friends who I felt much closer to.

[iridescentsky13]

First entry,

June 16, 2023.

So I'm about to use this space as my diary and I actually don't want anyone to find out my profile here. I am an old-school person and usually prefer notebooks, although this time I am leaving to a foreign country for the whole summer, until mid-August so I figured it is easier for me to write here than carrying my diary everywhere I go.

This trip is going to be my first trip out of the country ever and I really hope I will be able to make great memories, see beautiful places, meet awesome people, and experience as much as possible. It's funny how I dreamed of going there like since forever. Well, it took me just little over a decade to be able to go there for real.

I have such a conflicting personality and am painfully self-aware most of the time, which only makes my experience on this earth as human being unnecessarily hard at times. Also, I am ridiculously idealistic and can't get myself grounded in any situation.

I enjoy learning about myself and finding out reasons for my behavior for it helps me understand others on a deeper level, too. I have hard time dealing with boredom and uncomfortable emotions. For that reason, I am into psychology and neuroscience these days. Forgot to add, also spirituality (intuition or gut feeling).

Human mind is such a fascinating and powerful thing. And the universe is so big and wide and we actually can't grasp the idea how things work, even though we are the most conscious animal on earth. I happen to believe that somethings are not meant to be rationalized or understood.

Normally, my mind races in many different directions that sometimes it gets quite overwhelming. I am always working on mental health and overall well-being. It is also important to get other people involved since you should not fight every battle alone, I can't really bring myself to fully trust someone and let them in. I guess it's because of the walls I built when I was a child as a defense from possible harm for people who were closest to me hurt me the most.

If I go through everything on my mind right now, this will be a very long, twisted spiral of delusional thoughts. I'll save the other stories for later.

Starting this blog was hard, now that I've already done it, I hope it will be easier for me to carry on. We'll see how consistent we are.

[yanderelovlies]

✨Galaxy Anon ✨ here!

Alright what’s the schedule? Lol

Yes same to that sentiment. Yes like I actually feel bad sometimes when someone gets me something since then I can’t refuse it and also sometimes I’m not crazy about it but the thought counts. It is sometime I wish I can turn it off but nope. I mean ay least we are responsible with money.

Alright. Let me get the list

Helluva Boss

The Owl House

Amphibia

Arcane

Gravity Falls

Sunny Day Jack

My Dear hatchet man

See Thru: Need a Friend

My Hero Academia ( though have lost interest on later seasons and manga)

Tokyo Revengers

Fnaf ( more into lore than games. I love reading fanfiction about it it’s fun seeing theories)

The rest I have to remember but I like more anime and shows but these are the ones I indulge into the most. Hmm what’s wrong on aliexpress? Not trustworthy or selling it for crazy prices? I hope you find it soon viví!

Wow it really was that bad though can’t blame you I don’t think that work environment is good for you especially still in school. Do what I couldn’t do and pass the math. I’m serious I literally think I would’ve failed a grade from it. Ooh what kind of tips if I may ask?

Thanks viví especially you waiting for my replies and sorry again for taking awhile. I do my best to respond the fastest I can but it’s so busy in life sometimes I barely even have to wind down. It’s always great to see your replies and hear from you as well!

Ooh so cute! Any songs in particular you recommend or love to hear while driving?

Seriously it is like that. Your basically in danger for showing basic human decency for being tricked and hurt by horrible people it’s crazy. If your not paranoid you can get easily hurt worse. That’s why I just like staying inside so much. At least you have enough bravery to do that, I hate people hearing my music unless I let them and it’s rare. I mean seriously not even my family hears a lot of my music since it’s so personal to me and also I’m afraid they look at me weird for my taste. My music taste is wild. So yeah I don’t even take chances doing that since I feel self conscious and since I have terrible hearing well unless I want the world to hear I can’t do the same shame.

Honestly yeah. Yeah and on the other side there are people who demand your attention even if you visited there table twenty times and get mad if you don’t visit for four minutes it’s ridiculous and get mad at me for it. Thankfully most are patient. Yeah at least I’m used to it also so I have more patience.

Also to answer the other thing I said about having a break don’t worry viví! Tell your brain to shut up and have a break otherwise you’ll get stressed from the pressure. I mean at least you have a schedule but don’t be afraid to take a break on it. You make these requests for free so people shouldn’t demand you make it right away. Vivi’s brain let them rest!

Lol I'll have to get to you on that one

Oh i know my old friends use to ask how I always seem to keep money. I had to gently explain to them that they don't have to buy everything they see. I was not the favorite that day 👀

All of those I've heard of but never been into the fandom. It's hard for me to get into shows. I really want to cause it'd what everyone is into, but it's hard for me to watch it. My mind wanders and I do other things completely ignoring the show. Don't get me wrong I have shows, but not a lot.

That being said I wouldn't hearing about them! I don't mind spoilers if you don't mind questions. Who knows maybe talking about it with you will make me watch it! Also from what I understand it's like wish and I don't trust clothing that come from wish.

Honestly If it a gets really bad I'm getting a tutor I'm determined to pass and get my degree. Won't lie it scares me a bit but I'll do what I need to. Since it was on semester it was basics such as meditating, Journaling (that one had helped a lot by the way) and finding the little joys. If you point out something positive at the end of the day it helps you see the day as good rather focusing on the negative.

Honestly, that depends on my mood when I'm driving. But I can give you some of the songs that hyper fixated on lately!

Honestly, I think it is just because I have never been able to hide away till recently so anything I listened to everyone heard. The only downside to it is now I have big loud speaker in my house that my neighbors hear on the daily. It hasn't been a complaint yet (cause I usually play it during the day and turn of off the closer to dark it gets) but waiting. The only playlist I keep to myself if my "when the clouds come" type of playlist if you get what I mean.

The people who want your attention the whole time they are there make me upset. I just don't understand where that entitlement comes from. They get upset when people mess up their work day so why do it to others?? Ugh

I know 😭 thank you for worrying about me 🥺🥺💕💕

#vivi talks #galaxy anon

[simplymekaty]

Good, bad & everything inbetween

I've really been struggling with my mental health the past 3+ months. More than I ever have. I have been afflicted with frequent episodes of 'weirdness'...this feeling is so hard to explain...like I become hyper aware that I cannot see myself - that all I ever see is my reflection. I also have odd moments of being unable to complete the most innocuous of tasks e.g. buttering some toast, without feeling like I am on the outside of my body and my hands can't handle the simple little manoeuvres required. It's not like it's an out of body hokey depersonalisation feeling where I am on the outside looking in at myself. Well it is in so much as I FEEL like I am on the outside of my body but sort of not at the same time because I am still unable to see myself. I told you...it's weird as fuck.

I feel like I am going mad in moments like this. Like I'm high on some psychedelic medication but it's certainly not a feeling I've ever experienced when taking any prescribed or unprescribed drugs.

The headaches that come afterwards are a killer too. Part of me assumes it's all the chemo hangover and I know that I am only 8 months post treatment and my body is still dealing with the chemo aftermath and that I shouldn't be too hard on myself or worry. I mean, I'm not worried at all actually. It's just so unpleasant dealing with this and feeling out of control.

I haven't helped myself by limiting my social interactions the last few months because of it. Which is massively unlike me. We are weaning me off one antidepressant & replacing it with another in the hopes they give me the much needed serotonin & noradrenaline boost that I so desperately need.

I've never been one of those people who is ashamed to admit when I am battling with my own thoughts but I do find being geographically separated from my closest friends quite difficult at times and can become a little reclusive when I don't have the energy to travel to see people. I am a lover of video chats now after always shunning them pre-COVID so that helps me stay connected but I am definitely a shadow of my former social butterfly-like self.

I wonder in part if my mental health struggles are to do with turning 50 this year & being very aware of my own mortality. I mean, sheesh...I'm too young to be this old right. And I think as well I'm very conscious that my Mom passed away at 63 and I am only 14 years away from that, which I know rationally is ridiculous. But it's there.

And it isn't that I am afraid of dying either. I think that's why I handled my whole Cancer journey as well as I did. I'm not afraid to die. It's the one sure thing in life. Death. The end. It has more to do with the fact that if I only have 15 years left on this planet, that's not a lot of time to do the things I wanna do and spend time with the people I care about. I mean hell, even if I love another 20 - 30 years that's still not enough time is it. Especially as with some friends, like those in the U.S.A, I may only see them once every 3 or 4 years or so...which might mean I only get to see them 2 or 3 times before I or any one of us does actually die. It might seem maudlin but it's just an inescapable fact.

I guess also, even though I never thought I'd settle down with someone, I should have by now, in theory, been married. And even though that wasn't something I'd ever dreamed about, part of me is sad that I won't ever get to experience that. And knowing I won't ever fall fearlessly & hopelessly in love again, that really sucks. I miss being in love. A whole lot. Though it's only fleetingly wistful these days. I refuse to get bogged down in 'whatcouldhavebeens' that stuff just eats your brain & I'm done with that.

I started to write a list of stuff that I love to do with the promise to do more of it, on my own if I have to because that girl who turned her life upside down more than once for other people, she can sure as hell do it again as a nearly 50 year old woman, but this time for herself.

So, that being said...I will always be honest about my feelings and not hold back just because I feel I might be too much for someone or be afraid of reactions.

I will do more of the things I love like camping (who knew), reading or listening to music by camp or log fire home or away, engaging in late night til sunrise talks with people who feed my soul, go to the gig - on my own if I have to, go on long roadtrip vacations & stay in log cabins on my favourite lakes & wake up to go wild skinny dipping. I will say Yes to any & all invitations to do any activity I've never done before or that I've always been too scared to do.

I will face my demons head on and refuse to let my soul be haunted by old ghosts.

What will be will be, but I will face everything from now on with that enduring spirit that has got me to where I am now. I am strong, I am resilient and I may have been down the last 3 years but I am not out.

I want to leave this earth with a head full of fantastic memories of the things I had the courage to do, not a heart filled with regret.

#simplymekaty #stronger #beating depression #love #thoughts #musings #no regrets #face your fears

[whitestaghere]

Not your fault - Levi x reader

Just felt like it had been a while and came up with this. Hope ya'll enjoy reading!❤️

Warnings: none really. Mentions of death. Angst and a dash of fluff at the end.

Saying I was scared was an understatement. No, I was shook to the very brink of my existence. I hadn't expected it to be so nerve wracking as it was, now that I had finally joined the scout regiment.

I had expected this of course.

Who wouldn't? Specially when they were proned to fighting naked humans as tall as trees running at you like they were on their morning caffeine rush.

What was even worse was when the stoic captain of the special operations squad decides to pick you to be part of his squad. "I appreciate your skills," he said.

Well I guess there wasn't really much to fuss about that apart from the new mission we were setting up for and our very special rivalry.

Today, everything had gone smooth until that female titan had decided to come waltzing in.

She had managed to wipe out all of Levi squad and I felt my blood boil. My mind was in a blur, filled with thoughts of nothing but blood lust. Just from her.

Eren's screams played at the back of my mind and even as I caught sight of him shooting towards where I was, I couldn't find it in me to stop him.

As cruel as it sounded- I wanted her to feel the pain as I did.

I glanced down at Petra's body. The eyes that always greeted me with brightness were now looking at me blankly. Tasting the saltiness from the tears that streamed down my face unbeknownst to me- my cool demeanor finally broke. Snapping out of my trance I pushed myself off the branch I stood upon.

Shooting my hooks into the skin of the female titans shoulder, I zipped through the air screaming in anguish. I swung my blades over my head, aiming for the hand that covered her nape. If I could just cut through her wrist-

Just as planned, my blades sunk into the flesh of her wrist. Deep, but not deep enough.

If only I hadn't been distracted and just pushed away right then..

Her large hand came in contact with my body, swatting me off like as if I were some insect. Which in her case, I probably looked it. With a pained yelp, I was being thrown through the air.

"Y/N!" Eren.

My eyes shot open just when a bolt of lightning struck through the air. Ah.

I realised what was happening.

I tried to aim my grappling hooks at one of the trees before I probably fell to my death or by the slightest chances, fell straight into a titans mouth. But everything was in a blur and with the way the titan hit me, I couldn't quite direct my focus onto one thing. And before you know it, I had already inched closer to the ground, crashing straight into a tree. I doubled forward and my body slid down against the rough surface.

Cursing inwardly, I glanced down at my body; my lower half, sprawled out on the ground as I slumped against the tree.

I wanted to move, to assist Eren - but my body refused to respond. I couldn't budge and for a moment, I hoped I had died through impact because the thoughts that ran through my head were killing me.

My body felt limp almost like as if I was paralysed. I fought to keep my eyes open. The ground beneath me shook and my ears were filled with the sound of Eren's titan screaming. And with that, black filled my vision.

>>present<<

My body shot up at once and I winced at the sudden pain that shot through my body.

"You're awake."

That voice.

I snapped my head to my right and I was greeted by those steel eyes that belonged to none other than the captain. I had this urge to shrink and disappear out of existence under his icy gaze and-

Wait.

I was alive? Or no wait. Good Gods, please don't tell me he died too!

Without thinking, my hand shot out to grab his arm that was crossed over his chest. This took him by surprise and his eyes shifted between me and my hand with a hint of annoyance laced in his features. His body had tensed under my hold and I immediately pulled away with a gasp.

"I-I'm sorry sir. I just-"

"I found you not too far from the rest of the squad," he cut me off. My head lowered at the mention of the others. "I didn't think you were alive considering the amount of blood you lost. But that's when you coughed, splattering all your substances at me and well- you know the rest."

I didn't know what to say. Even if I did, I didn't have it in me to speak or make a snarky remark like I usually did. The thought of my fallen comrades made me sick to the stomach. But I couldn't cry either.

No. Just not with him here.

You remember how I said we had a special rivalry going on between us? Yeah.

Ever since Levi had asked me to join his squad- we'd always been at eachother's throats. Which I didn't quite expect considering how he picked me.

He'd say something sarcastic, I'd snap back at him and vice versa. It eventually came to the point that commander Erwin had to walk in one time, suggesting Levi that it would be best if I were switched to Mike's squad. But Levi had simply walked out of the room.

Just like that, Erwin asked me to make the choice and I said no. Why you ask?

I wanted Levi to accept me.

I couldn't even remember what started this rivalry to begin with and it was eating at me constantly. I had never seen him snap at people as easily as he did with me. Well he did occasionally, but this was on a daily basis and it made no sense at all.

Hanji said it was just his nature and that I'd understand him later. I realised that was she said was just ridiculous because this man, he didn't even dare to show me a little bit of respect. So I decided I'd leave him be and put up a mask whenever he'd target me but that's when things got worse. He always found reasons to argue with me and I caught up with it too.

Breaking down in front of him wasn't an option now.

Levi's chair scraped against the floor signalling that he was probably leaving.

"Thank you," I said quickly, making him stop in his tracks. I'd never said that to him before. But since he saved me, it was only right that I did.

His head turned around halfway and he eyed me narrowly. "For saving me," I finished. He clicked his tongue in response and left the room, shutting the door a little louder than I expected.

Cue the breakdown.

I flopped myself back on the bed. Grabbing the pillow that supported my head, I hugged it tightly as I screamed into it.

The tears didn't stop.

I couldn't save my comrades. Why did the captain even decide to pick me in the first place if I couldn't save my own comrades?

It was getting harder to breathe with my face stuffed in the pillow and the choked up tears didn't make it any easier. I felt so pathetic. But no matter how much I tried, it wouldn't stop. The guilt and hatred just kept coming back to me.

It felt like I had been crying for hours already as my body spasmed, signalling the next fresh batch of tears approaching.

The sound of the door opening and closing again made my body freeze.

I peeped up from my pillow and regretted it instantly seeing the captain standing at the foot of my bed, holding two cups in his hands. His eyes locked with mine again.

Maybe it was me just seeing things but his eyes widened and very slowly, he made his way upto the side of my bed.

"I brought you some tea," he said stoically. "Drink it before it gets cold."

I subtly wiped my eyes against the pillow and sat myself up on the bed like as if I hadn't been crying my eyes out just a few moments ago.

Avoiding eye contact, I thanked him silently and took the cup from his hand. Even though I wasn't looking at him, I could feel his gaze lingering on my face. Feeling too self conscious, I brought the cup up to my mouth only to wince as I burned my tongue. A weird sound came from me and I slapped my hand over my mouth.

"Tch. Be careful idiot. I didn't ask you to drink it that fast," Levi scolded. I face palmed inwardly, brushing it off with a sheepish grin. He cocked a brow and shifted his gaze outside the window.

Silence.

I didn't mind the silence, but with him sitting right there, it felt like my nerves were dancing. If that was even possible.

Eyeing him subtly, I noticed how his gaze seemed distant, longing. And that's when I realised. I was being selfish.

I wasn't the only one who had lost my comrades.

"C-captain-"

"Levi."

I tilted my head in confusion and nodded right after catching what he had meant. "Levi. I-I'm sorry."

"What for?"

"For everything."

"Be specific." I gulped. So he wanted a full on confession. Here it goes.

"Well for being.. for being a brat." He raised his brows and turned to look at me. I shifted my gaze to the floor at once, finding it easier to speak calmly that way.

"That wasn't a joke, I promise. I was being selfish. I didn't know how much pressure I might have been putting on you by always being snarky and uncooperative. And now too.. I was considering my own feelings without thinking about how you felt. I just- didn't understand why you hate me so much."

"I don't hate you," he said abruptly. I looked at him slowly but reluctantly.

"I-" he ran a hand through his hair, releasing a frustrated sigh. "I don't hate you. I was just worried."

"Worried?" I asked.

"Worried you'd end up like this. Or by the least, end up dead."

Ouch.

"You doubted my skills.. yet you picked me to be a part of your squad. I don't get it," I mumbled.

"Idiot. It's not like that," he barked. "I recall saying I respected your skills. I really do. It's just that you can be reckless at times."

I gasped in disbelief.

"Reckless?"

"Yes. Reckless."

"How could you-" he raised a brow and eyed my position on the bed. I followed his gaze and it dawned on me. Half of my body was wrapped in bandages and my arm was in a cast.

Yeah. Reckless.

"I had no doubt in your skills, keep that in mind brat. I picked you for my squad because I knew you'd be a good addition to it and-" He paused, looking like as if he were in thought before continuing.

"It was easier to keep an eye on you this way."

I shut my eyes tightly, guilt flooding through my veins little by little.

"But I failed." My eyes shot open hearing this.

"I failed you and I failed my squad."

"Levi-"

"No y/n. There's no denying it," he said. I noticed how his voice was beginning to shake and that just made my heart ache. I had never seen him this way. "I told you that I added you to keep an eye on you and look at you now. Even worse, I failed to protect the rest of my squad."

"Levi," I said softly. "You know, if I ever end up dying out there- I'd never blame you. I'd never say you failed to protect me. But what I would want you to do, is to give our sacrifices meaning. We devoted our lives. We chose to go down this path knowing the circumstances. Knowing that someday there could be a chance we wouldn't come back home. So just know, this is not your fault and they don't blame you either. Even if it is, we must make their sacrifices worth something."

Levi stared intently at me but this time, I didn't feel like shrinking away. I wanted the man in front of me to have reason to fight, to know he wasn't to blame. And that all of this- we were facing all of this together.

He didn't say a word. I didn't expect him to either and I didn't mind it.

His gaze was everywhere and for a second when his eyes met mine, I couldn't help my urge and slowly yet hesitantly- reached out for him.

"May I?" I asked.

He tilted his head, confused by what I was asking permission for. I opened my arms slightly for him and after a short while, he shockingly leaned in slowly (not before shifting awkwardly in his seat though). Wrapping one arm around his shoulders and one hand on his nape, I pulled him into my embrace gently.

I felt his fingers trace over my clothes slightly like as if he were contemplating what to do. After a few seconds, his body completely relaxed in my arms and I felt his hands slowly snake around my waist.

"It's okay Levi," I whispered and rubbed his back in attempt to comfort him. He tucked his head into the crook of my neck. That made a soft smile crawl up my face.

This man was a fighter but he was also human. A human with feelings no matter how stoic he could be. Hanji was right.

>>Third person's pov<<

It was at that moment, that a new friendship began to blossom between the two. A spark of hope and a reason to fight in their dark world.

Okay phew.

That came out a lot more angsty than I thought it would be haha. But I hope you all enjoyed reading it and have a wonderful day/night!❤️

#attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #levi x reader #levi ackerman #erwin smith #hanji zoe #eren jaeger #petra ral #aot imagines #levi x reader imagine #levi x reader fluff #levi x y/n #levi x you #aot x y/n #levi x male reader #levi needs a hug #levi ackerman x reader #levi ackerman imagine #levi ackerman x you

[twstedtales]

hi there! it's really cool to see a fellow twst writer on here! to start off, id really like to request headcanons for my best boy, Jamil, trying to study with a (gn) reader who has a bit of a hard time focusing or keeping still for very long. im very sorry if this is a bit too specific, but i happily welcome you amidst the masses! -💞anon (if that is alright)

Uwah, my first Jamil request! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ I hope I did him justice for you, 💞 anon-chan! And thank you for the welcome!

Pairings :: Jamil × Gender Neutral Reader

TW :: none!

𝖒𝖎𝖗𝖗𝖔𝖗, 𝖒𝖎𝖗𝖗𝖔𝖗 𝖔𝖓 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖜𝖆𝖑𝖑...

With an impatient sigh, you stole a quick glance at your boyfriend beside you whose charcoal grey eyes were glaring in quiet ferocity towards the book he was holding. Though his gaze would fly towards his phone, where he was reading Kalim's messages every now and then, rolled his eyes in exasperation, then returned back to what he's doing.

You tried to focus on your studies again, Magical History is quite hard, especially to an otherworlder such as you, but Jamil would always patiently offer up his help to you whenever you needed it, no matter how busy he was tending to Kalim. You told him it was alright if you study alone, but he quickly shook his head with a huff before placing an awkward hand on top of your head.

He rolled his eyes. "Do you really think this would bother me? I already did this many times with Kalim, I have no qualms doing it for you, too. Now, stop grinning like a fool and let's go."

But whenever you were on a study 'date' with him, you couldn't help but to steal a few glances at him. Your relationship is fairly new to the both of you, and you were still adjusting. He was being good to you (no matter how much he tried to hide his salty self and cutting words to not hurt you), you would gently coerce him to just be...himself with you. You promised him you wouldn't love him anything less if he shows you his "rotting and hissing" side he used to hide from everyone.

With enough time passes, his walls would lower bit by bit. By now, Jamil was accustomed to your stolen glances, secret smiles or distracted stares you desperately wanted to hide while watching him work or when you two were studying together. If it was other people, Jamil would probably assume you were plotting something to Kalim and to him, but if it's you, he finds himself not minding the attention he got. To be fair, he was even elated and proud on the inside.

"Your book will run away from you and you won't be able to catch it in time, you know." His stern voice snapped you back to reality. Your eyes flew up to meet his gaze, grinning before bringing your book closer to your face, hiding your giggles. 

"Are you being self-conscious that I'm staring at you again?" You asked him cheekily.

"Don't be ridiculous," he rolled his eyes as he quickly changed the subject. "If you don't understand something, ask me. You have a test tomorrow, right?"

"Don't worry, I think I'm good for tomorrow," you replied to him, eyes going distracted as his lips moved down to frown at you. Somehow, you had a sudden urge to shut him up with a kiss...

"Oi," Jamil gave you an embarrassed cough. "My eyes are up here."

Usually, you'd be embarrassed to be caught ogling at him but right now, you were feeling extra cheeky. "Oh, you were right! But I really want to punch your lips with mine right now…"

You were just partially joking, since asking for a kiss is such an embarrassing topic for the both of you and there would always be...tension between you two wherever you kissed. Is it his hidden competitiveness? You would never know.

But you certainly didn't expect him to pull your arm and wordlessly crashed his lips to you, like how you wanted it today. Jamil's free hand shoots up to his open book and covers your faces to the side. Your surprise plus flustered expression was only for his eyes to see and he won't forgive anyone if they see you like this.

"Don't be so cheeky on me now, [Name]." He smirked through your blushing face. "I wouldn't let you have the upperhand on me, just so you know."

You could only nod dumbly, the book across you completely forgotten. And somehow, you felt as if the two of you have a secret...one that must never speak of to anyone else.

#twst #twisted wonderland #jamil viper x reader #jamil viper #twst jamil #athy writes #requests for athy #gender neutral reader #mirror mirror on the wall #scarabia