#I'm so numb and so tired and so lonely and I don't know what it is I want because every time I meet someone knew it's like I can't get clos

[kleftiko]

❦ CAN’T GIVE IT TO ME

“your best friend has always been the person you turn to when times are tough. so when your shitty husband refuses to give you a baby, what else are you supposed to do?”

cw: infidelity, unprotected sex, cream pie, breeding kink, pussy eating, squirting

KINKTOBER MASTERLIST

It was never a surprise when you made a stupid decision.

Sometimes, people thought you were purposely being an airhead, not paying attention, or being reckless in your life because Satoru was always there to fix things for you. It didn't stop him from letting you know his thoughts on your actions, but he was always there when you called.

When you married your husband, Satoru told you he didn't like him. Didn't think you married for a good reason, either.

Did you love your husband? Maybe. Maybe not. But you liked the freedom he gave you—credit cards and a house to yourself most days—while he was constantly away on business trips. You could spend your days spoiling your girlfriends on a shopping spree and your nights in expensive clubs.

You don't know when you began feeling lonely and bored, though. But one day, you started noticing mothers with their kids. playing in the park, shopping at the grocery store, and taking photos on vacation, and you began to think that maybe you wanted something else in life besides waking up hungover to an empty bed.

So when your husband got home that evening, tired and immediately pouring himself a drink, you proposed the idea. The look he gave you said it all, but he still told you no. He was a busy man; he didn't have time for a family, and you should know that.

It's not like he ever fucked you anyway; for most of your marriage, your orgasms and libido were taken care of by vibrators, dildos, and your best friend.

Which is why when your husband left the next day, you called over Satoru.

He never had to try to look good, showing up with a plain shirt, sweatpants, and those signature glasses. You, on the other hand, changed three times before he arrived, not being able to decide which outfit was going to help you get what you wanted. The formal dress was too much for daytime, the skirt was a bit too juvenile, and eventually you just decided on shorts and a tank top, loungewear that to anyone else would look like you were just having a day in, but the way the short fabric loosely covered your ass told a different story.

Satoru accepted the glass of red wine you offered when he walked in the door and took a seat at the kitchen table, spreading his legs casually as he took a sip.

"I want a baby." You told him straight up.

Satoru smiled as he looked at you over his glasses and said, "Nice. Congrats."

"With you," you clarified. He raised an eyebrow.

"Seems like something you should ask your husband," he said, nimble fingers playing with the neck of his wine. "I'm just here for the drinks."

You pouted, taking a seat in the chair beside him.

"Please, 'Toru?" you asked.

His eyes drifted down to your fingers as they trailed lightly over his thigh, knowing exactly what you were trying to do.

"And why would I help you?" He smiled lazily.

You got up and straddled his lap, setting down his glass of wine in favour of moving his arms around your body.

"You've helped me before." You whisper, and he nods casually, as if that was a good point.

You couldn't count the number of times Satoru let you use his fingers or sit on his face when you were needy. Or how many times you repaid him with your lips around his dick or riding his thigh. But no matter how many times he made you cum, he never gave in to your pleas to stretch your pussy on his thick cock. He refused to, as long as you were married. Was it right? Probably not, but Satoru had his rules.

And you've never minded the mind-numbing pleasure he would give you with his hands and mouth until now. Because now, what you wanted required something else of his that was previously off limits.

"I've helped you a lot of times, sweetheart." He sighed in defeat. "And you always ask for more."

You were confused, not understanding the meaning of his words until his fingers slid between your legs. With a soft gasp, you instinctively start grinding yourself onto his palm, forgetting what he was saying.

"I'm at your beck and call when you need my fingers or tongue," he said, letting you continue your ministrations. "And now you're asking me to fill your cunt and expect me to be okay with our kid calling your husband 'dad'?"

With a harsh press to your clit, you freeze, and a small whine escapes from your lips.

"You think that's fair, sweetheart?" He asked, eyeing you with contempt.

But instead of answering, you try to move your hips against his hand again for friction, only to get a harsh pinch to your thigh.

You yelped, but answered him. "No, it's not."

He seemed happy with your response and said, "What's in it for me?"

You furrowed your brows. In all the years you've known Satoru, he had never asked for anything in return; he always gives, gives, gives. There honestly wasn't any answer you could come up with. But when his long fingers started circling your heat again, making you melt, you asked.

"What do you want, 'Toru?"

He grinned at how easy you were and let you rest your head on his shoulder in response to his fingers. "Say you'll leave your husband, and I'll fill you up as much as you want."

You whined in response, but with your body rocking against his, breathing in his cologne, and hearing his husky voice in your ears, it didn't seem like a bad idea. So you nodded, light gasps dusting over his neck as you breathed out, "Okay."

Satoru's strong hands then left your pussy, but you didn't have a chance to complain when he grabbed the back of your thighs and stood up. When your head leaned back to look at him, you saw a dangerous look in his eyes.

"Good girl." His voice was low as he said, "Let's make you a mommy."

With that, he dropped you onto the table, the wine glasses shaking beside you as a result. Satoru dropped to his knees between your spread legs and reached for your shorts. Already wet with your slick, they stuck to your heat slightly as he slid them off, and you hissed at the feeling of the cool kitchen air against your pussy.

His breath grazed your thigh as he licked a harsh strip up your slit. Your body trembled as his tongue traced its way up, sending shivers of anticipation through your entire being. The dangerous look in his eyes intensified, fueling your desire for him. You couldn't help but arch your back, offering yourself fully to his skilled touch. As his tongue continued its tantalizing journey, your moans grew louder, matching the rhythm of his movements. The intensity of him led you to grasp at his soft silver hair in an attempt to ground yourself, but he smacked your hand away.

"You're gonna feel everything I give you." His sunglasses were discarded, so you saw every emotion in his darkened eyes. "And you're gonna take it."

After you nodded quickly, Satoru wrapped his arms around your thighs, locking your cunt against his tongue as he devoured you. His careful mouth probed every inch of your sensitive folds, sending waves of pleasure coursing through your body. The way he smoothly flicked and sucked on your clit had you on the edge of ecstasy, unable to control the moans that escaped your lips. As his tongue delved deeper, you surrendered completely to the overwhelming sensations, losing yourself in the intoxicating bliss he was giving you.

In an attempt to warn him, you could only stutter out an, "g-g'nna."

But Satoru seemed to understand as his lips attached themselves to your bud, and one of his arms freed your legs so he could thrust his fingers inside your sloppy cunt. The combination of his skilled tongue and the added penetration sent waves of pleasure coursing through your body. Each thrust of his fingers matched the rhythm of his tongue, intensifying the pleasure and pushing you closer to the edge. As you reached the peak of ecstasy, your body convulsed uncontrollably, overwhelmed by the mind-blowing sensations he was delivering. You briefly understood your legs spamming as you painted Satoru's mouth with your cum.

It took a moment for you to calm down, your eyes opening to look at the ceiling as you realized your back was on the table. Unable to remember when you had laid down, let alone move your body on your own, Satoru pulled you to stand on your jelly legs.

His eyes held your gaze as he wiped his face and licked his lips clear of your cum. Before you could say anything, he gripped your hips, his wet hands sending shivers up your hot skin as he turned you around and pushed your stomach onto the table.

You looked over your shoulder at your best friend; his head was tilted back, eyes closed as he hissed in pleasure, the hand covered in your slick stroking his hard cock. The reminder of the fact that his dick was finally going to be inside you made you whine and wiggle your hips to gain his attention again.

Satoru looked down at you with a smile.

"Don't worry, sweetheart, I'm right here." He lined himself up with your hole. "I'll fuck a baby into you," he whispered before slowly pushing himself inside you.

The sensation of him filling you up sent waves of pleasure coursing through your body, making you moan and bend your back in response.

"T-'Toru..." You drawled, unable to think of anything else, as he stretched you open.

"That's it, baby, remember who's gonna breed this cunt for you." He hissed.

Your mind became consumed with the overwhelming pleasure as Satoru continued to thrust deeper into you. Every movement he made intensified the sensations, leaving you completely lost in the moment. The sounds of his grunts harmonizing with skin slapping against skin filled the room, adding to the urgency of the experience.

Your eyes locked on one of the wine glasses beside you. The table rocking with Satoru's harsh thrusts caused the silverware to fall over, staining the beautiful tablecloth beneath your face. You don't know why, but the physical reminder of how hard Satoru was going inside you made you moan. The combination of the sensory overload and the unexpected disruption heightened the raw passion between you and Satoru. As your moans echoed in the room, you realized that every element of this encounter was pushing you both towards an adrenaline-filled climax.

"Sa-Satoru—please!" You babbled incoherently as he slapped against you, his fingers digging into the fat of your hips.

"Fuck!" He groaned. "You're gonna look so hot pregnant with my baby."

Your pleas only fueled Satoru's desire, intensifying his thrusts as he whispered dirty promises about knocking you up in your ear. The intense connection between you both grew, driving you closer to the edge of ecstasy. With each moment, it became clear that this intimate encounter would forever be etched in not only your memory but also your life. And it turned you on so much more.

"You gonna great your husband today with your pussy filled with my cum?" You whined at his dirty talk. "S'it gonna drip down your legs when you tell him it's over?"

You don't know why, but the reminder of the fact that Satoru wasn't your husband was what did it for you. You came to the realization that it wasn't your husband fucking a baby into you, but your best friend. This forbidden affair intensified the pleasure and excitement coursing through your veins, causing you to clench impossibly tighter around Satoru's cock.

He groaned loudly at that, folding his body over yours as he reached his own orgasm.

"You're all mine now, sweetheart." He whispered into your ear as his cum shot into your cunt, filling you up better than you could've hoped for. The intensity of the moment left you breathless as you lay there, sweat clinging to your forehead as the scent of wine and sex filled your senses. You whimpered pathetically when Satoru slipped out of you and crouched down to watch the globs of his cum drip out of your pussy with each clench around nothing. Your trembling legs couldn't stop him when he scooped up the slick and pushed it back into you with a dissatisfied hum.

"Don't think it stuck, sweetheart." He sighed. "Might need to fill you again."

#kleftiko’s kinktober #jjk x reader #jjk smut #gojo x reader #gojo smut #gojo satoru x reader #gojo satoru smut #jjk x you #jjk imagines #jjk gojo #jjk x y/n #gojo x y/n #gojou satoru x reader

[sternenmeerkind]

Oof, it's that time again

#didn't have this for quite a while now #it's 11pm and I'm feeling.... #Too Much™ #am I lonely? #am I sad? #am I tired? #am I anxious? #idk but I'm feeling so much that it makes me numb #and I don't even know why #it's been happening for the third time in a row now #night time is beginning and I'm feeling emotions #is it bc of summer? #who tf knows #it feels like those emotions aren't really mine #is this melancholy? #anyways I don't know what to do with myself #so I'm listening to emotional music and trying to write #personal #mine

[repairgirl]

michelle || leo valdez x fem!reader songfic

a/n: #2 in songfic series! song: michelle- sir chloe

t/w: alcohol, cursing, substance abuse, mention of vomitting, super smutty and super nsfw

word count: 1.2k

You swayed back and forth to the boom boom boom beat of the music, sipping the raw, bitter alcohol. Travis's party was just what you needed: shots, random boys you didn't care about to grind on and distract yourself with, getting blackout drunk, and basically anything to make you get your mind off of him.

Just thinking about his name made you want to vomit. You were reminded of walking in on him with that other, terrible, Nemesis girl, the half-assed breakup, never getting closure, and endless nights of sobbing and feeling sorry for yourself. Two weeks later, and his words were fresh in your mind like a fresh cut he had just re-opened yesterday. You drank more, feeling dizzy, praying the alcohol would numb your brain.

Fuck him, anyway. You'd show him you could do better. 

"Woah, calm down," a random boy said, approaching you. The darkness and flashing lights of the cabin made it hard to see his face, so you could barely make out his gleaming brown eyes and sepia skin. "You might wanna be careful with that much alcohol."

"You don't know what's best for me," you snapped, your words slurring. The bass pumped in your ears, making your head feel like it was going to explode. 

To your surprise, the boy laughed rather than acting offended. "Okay, I guess you're right. I shouldn't be talking, anyway. I just finished shotgunning this beer,” he answered, showing you his tattered-up Natty Lite can.

Lightheaded and unphased, you allowed yourself to plop on the tattered sofa, the boy crashing next to you. His breath smelled of beer and straight tequila, and you only imagined that yours did too.

"Why?" you asked, inching close to him. His hand rested on his thigh, barely grazing yours under your ripped denim shorts. 

"Why what?"

"Why do you drink? I mean, we all drink for a reason. We're either mad at someone else, or ourselves."

He paused, tapping his leg. 

When you got drunk, you got angry and philosophical. Mad at the world, hyperaware of everything wrong with everyone, the reason why many people couldn't handle you drunk. The reason you usually drank alone. 

The boy leaned back, resting his head against the seat. "I'm lonely. I'm fucking tired of being the seventh wheel, and always feeling like everyone's life is better than mine."

"Hey, I'm lonely too."

"You?" he asked. "Once everyone heard you were single again, they all wanted to get with you. Thought you would even be taken by now."

You scowled. You hated your reputation at camp: the pretty girl who everyone thought they could take advantage of just because she was from Aphrodite. You were tired of being treated like a sex object, especially by your ex, and you wanted to prove them all wrong. "That's exactly the point. All anyone ever wants me for is my body. But apparently even that wasn't good enough for... him."

The boy paused, almost looking sorrowful, and like he regretted saying anything. What was that look he was giving you? Pity? 

"He cheated? I'm sorry... That's rough."

"Yeah, but it's whatever. That's why I drink, anyway," you said, gulping down more of a Coors bottle someone handed you. He looked concerned. 

"You and me, we're opposites. I have to rely on my personality to get me anywhere. All my friends have amazing good looks to rely on.  I have to work for that shit, to even be slightly noticed."

The strobe light shined on him, and you could see his features more clearly this time. Unsure of whether it was you or the alcohol speaking, you noticed his chocolate brown hair, beautiful curls you wanted to pull. 

Most guys repulsed you, especially after the breakup. You wanted them to get their hands off of you, because no one felt right the way your ex did. But every move this boy made, every hungry look he gave you, all of that just made you want him more. He made you feel different. 

"Then we would fit together perfectly," you said, inching towards him. 

He moved his hand to your thigh, rubbing your leg with his thumb. The lights dimmed as the party entered its peak, and the sexual tension between you two increased. 

The boy inched oh-so-slightly to the left so that his hot breath was on your ear, close enough to bite it. "Maybe we would."

Agonizingly slowly, he put one hand on your waist and used another to cup your face. You stared into his eyes, mesmerized by his gaze, your ears and head buzzing from the alcohol. Finally, you both shared a drunken kiss. You didn't even think about what you were doing.

He gripped your waist, and you climbed on his lap. He bit your lip, then sloppily put his tongue in your mouth, not bothering to ask for permission to enter. You kissed back, your tongues swirling together, making out like you were running out of time, running away from the world, running away from your ex, running to each other. 

Once you slowly started grinding on him, he pulled away and whispered in your ear. "Let's take this to a room." 

Once you got to an empty room, the boy twirled you around and pressed me against the wall. He tightened his arms around your waist, and you wrapped your arms around his neck, having to stand on your tiptoes. You pressed your body as close to his as possible, sticking your knee in between his legs for extra friction. 

"Jump," he growled.

You did as you was told and jumped up so you were face to face, straddling him. He connected his lips with yours and squeezed your ass as he held you, making you moan into the kiss. 

You urgently ran your fingers through his hair, feeling his curly locks. You grinded into him, and he moaned into your mouth.

He set you down and pushed you onto the bed, never letting your lips disconnect. 

One you were on the bed, him towering over you and shoving his tongue in your mouth, he finally put his hands under your shirt, feeling and squeezing your tits. He grinded his member against you, and you shivered in delight, running your fingers over his well defined muscles. 

He started trailing kisses down to your neck, trying to find your sweet spot. Once he did, you let out a loud moan which you had been holding in, which of course only encouraged him to suck harder. Once he was done covering your neck in red spots, he pulled back, giving you that lopsided grin, then he finally hungrily kissed you again. 

Whatever you felt- buzzed because of the alcohol, eager to get a rebound to prove your ex wrong, or solely just sexual attraction, you knew it felt right.

He was taking off your shirt after already discarding his on the floor when you stopped him.

"Wait," you panted. "I don't even know your name."

"Leo. Leo Valdez," he responded, and as he did, you watched his lips, wishing they were back on yours. "You?"

"Y/N L/N."

Leo trailed kisses down your chest, seductivley looking up at you with hungry eyes.

"Y/N L/N, you are a monster from hell."

leo valdez taglist: @slytherindaughterofposeidon0​ @persephil​ @mmmelanie-blog1​ @blue-violin​ @goldengoddess​ @dee-zbignuts​ @animes-trash​ @nottherealslimshady​ @cellias​ @lovemss​

#leo valdez #leo valdez smut #leo valdez angst #leo valdez x reader #leo valdez x you #pjo #percy jackson #leo valdez lemon #leo valdez fluff #leo valdez oneshot #leo valdez one shot #Heroes of Olympus #heroes of olympus one shot #heroes of olympus oneshot #hoo imagine #leo valdez imagine #songfic

[atinylittlepain]

i'm about to use tumblr like a diary.

here's the thing about getting that thing you've wanted long enough to convince yourself it will solve all your problems just as soon as you get that thing, just as soon as that want is settled and sated. it doesn't work as seamlessly as that.

the thing i wanted, worked my want up into tooth and nail and fang and blood, came in an email. what changed between the two breaths it took for that email to show up in my inbox? not much, honey! a future, a move, a get out of undergrad free card, sure, yes, great. i let myself be excited about it for an afternoon or so, and woke up the next morning in about the same place i've been waking up in for a while now. wherever i go, there i am.

if you've been around this blog for the last two to three months you will have seen me engaging in what i'm now calling flailing - swearing off writing one week, only to post a one shot the next week, only to swear it all off again, only to threaten to delete the whole thing, only to go radio silent and fucking love it, only to show up again, which leads us to here, this post. and i don't know why i'm saying all this, trying to explain it, i think mostly just to myself, albeit in a very public fashion, but here it goes anyways.

i'm fucking tired and i want to clear the air. the truth is i don't really like writing fic any more, it's become a sort of compulsive comfort crutch of mine, a quick hit source of dopamine or validation that doesn't work any more. i write fic from a very numb, very lonely, very desperate place these days, and i don't want to do it any more. if i'm being honest, i don't really want to write anything any more. i started calling myself a writer and then got afraid of the silhouette i had carved out for myself. i'm not calling myself anything now.

i unfollowed a lot of people in order to distance myself from dynamics and content that i do not enjoy. to any friends that this has hurt, or any pots that this has stirred, it means nothing more than me wanting a simple, quiet dash when i log onto here.

all this is to say that there might be fic eventually, sometime far down the line. there also might not ever be fic again. i'm still writing in stops and starts, but i'm a little too tender right now to share anything.

i'm going to use this blog however i want to and there is little else to say about the matter.

[stuffymcstuffsworld]

Lost and found

It's raining... cause, of course, it would rain on today of all days. This was just opera's rotten luck. The luck of a cursed black cat as their parents would say.

The sneering look that they received whenever something went wrong. The long nights of punishment that followed after. Opera scowled as the drizzle turned into a downpour.

Their parents had finally had enough, it seemed, and threw them out with only the clothes on their back. The rain drenched them. 'The rotten luck of a cursed black cat.' The words seem to echo in the felines head.

Tired, hungry, and wet. They had been walking for hours. 'Who would want a child of misfortune after all?' Opera could hear their mothers mocking tone.

'You should be lucky we didn't drown you at birth.' The sound of their father hisses in the back of their mind. 'Don't touch me, you'll give me bad luck!' The panic in their siblings' voice.

Ears drooping, trudging on exhausted legs through the rain. Tail trailing behind low. 'Cursed, Unlucky, Rotten. A stain not worthy of the family name.

So they had been named Opera. Only Opera. A name that meant work or labor. Because that was all they were useful for.

Opera leaned against an alley wall. It was cold... they were starving. When was the last time they had eaten? A day? Maybe two... they were uncertain.

When was the last time they slept? The young demon couldn't recall. Slowly sinking against the wall.

Just a few minutes. Just a few minutes of rest. Then they would get up again. Then what? Where would they go?

That question makes them feel lost. It was a numb feeling. One that had an agonizing pain with each passing second of it being unanswered.

Then something odd occurs. Opera can hear the rain still falling, but they no longer feel it dripping onto them. Slowly, they open their heavy eyes. Unsure of when exactly they had closed them.

A thin old demon in a purple suit stands over them with an umbrella. "Are you lost?" The tone is soft and gentle.

"No." Opera answered flatly. "Why are you out in the rain?" "Cause nobody wants a cursed black cat!" Opera hissed. "Cursed?"

There's something frustrating about this skinny demon asking so many questions. What did they not understand? Everyone knew Black cat's were bad luck!

"Yes, Cursed! Are you blind or something geezer?" The old man crouched down, holding the umbrella over both of them. "Hmm, you don't look cursed to me."

This surprised the younger one. Gaze locked with those golden eyes. "What?" The question sounds vulnerable, a broken word.

"You're not cursed at all. I happen to know many curses, and you don't seem to have a single one." Opera can't help the tears that fall. This is the first time anyone said that they weren't cursed.

"Do you have anywhere to stay?" The small demon shakes their head vigorously. "I see." The older demon stands up and reaches out his hand.

"Well then, would you like to stay with me?" And it's this moment that's burned in opera's memory forever. One that fills their heart.

They reach out, their tiny hand grasping the larger one. "I'm Opera." The older demon helps them to their feet.

"Opera? What a lovely name. I am Sullivan." Sullivan. Opera's savior was named Sullivan. Opera would serve this demon for their entire life.

Why? Because this demon found them. And took Opera out of the rain and into a warm place. Where there was no such thing as a cursed black cat.

There was only master and servant. Mentor and student. Each keeps each other company in such a lonely world. Where the lost are found.

#mairimashita! iruma kun #welcome to demon school iruma kun #lord sullivan #opera #angst

[v3nusxsky]

Hii, I love your writing and you're so very talented!!

Please, feel free to ignore this request if you don't feel comfortable writing it 😊

I was wondering if you could write a Lady Lesso x Never!Student platonic where the reader has depression. The reader has no motivation and everything seems like a chore - even eating. She would feel so terrible that she would phyically get sick and nauseous and tired all the time. The nights are the worst because her mind is plagued by dark thoughts, the nights seemed to never end, she's afraid she'll do something stupid so she rans down the hallway knocking on Lady Lesso's headquarters' doors.

She's afraid of Lady Lesso but she's afraid of herself even more.

I suffer from seasonal depression that lasts from like February to October and I'm tired already-

It gets to the point I even think things that aren't even true. Like... I'd mix reality and thoughs. For example - I'd be thinking my phone cracked and for some reason I'd believe it. I get so confused xD And I'd isolate myself from people not even caring. I wish I could feel bad because I stopped communicating with them but I just don't.

Hey lovely anon! <3 thank you so much for your support and kind words. I hope this is what you were looking for <3

Save me from myself

*Authors note| This seemed very fitting for my mood today so I absolutely have had a blast writing this.*

Trigger warnings~ food issues depression self harm the whole lot really

Prompt~see ask^^

Depression is a strange thing, especially when coupled with anxiety. It's like you have no energy to do anything but your brain is going a million miles a minute. Yet it makes perfect sense, your brain is whirling so many thoughts that it's draining all of your energy. Self care goes out the window, anything that really requires any physical emotional or mental energy goes too. Why does life have to be soo hard? It feels as though everything is getting on top of you and pushing you further and further back into this dark place.  The dark place being cold and lonely, two of the things you wished to not feel, yet they surround you all day every day.

Food isn't on your radar, even the thought of food makes you feel nauseous. All you want to do is sleep for the rest of eternity. Yet your mind refuses to allow that. You know that staying in doors, in bed, is not helping you. Yet getting up is much too difficult. Sleep seems to evade you. Taunting you as if it knows your desperation for it to claim you. The lack of food, sleep and your overwhelming feelings seem to control your everyday thought. You know it's wrong and that you should ask for help but the energy to do that is missing.

That's why you turned to an older coping mechanism. You didn't mean to. It was a moment of weakness and not one you had planned to do again. You felt guilt as sin. Yet when you did it god the numbness was something you craved. But you couldn't do that again, it was a dangerous path that was extremely hard for you to crawl your way back from. Scars littered your arms now and they served as a reminder, self harm was not and is not the way forward. So for days you focused so hard on not giving into the urge, it was draining you but at least it worked.

As a never it felt wrong to even consider reaching out for help, it was weakness. Never's aren't weak. Weakness got you in a vulnerable space, something you really can't afford. Yet for some reason you had bonded rather well with the one and only Dean of Evil. Your recent slip into your seasonal depression had you pulling away from Leonora, something she didn't take too well. At first she assumed you were unwell, after all no one can stay in perfect health all the time, but soon it became apparent something darker was lurking behind your dorm room door. Something perhaps you were trying to hide. She trusted in you to find her when you felt ready, she had told you day or night she would be there for you and had truly meant every word.

Tonight, you broke. Fighting this battle alone was terrifying, and you didn't trust yourself to not fall back into that bad habit, you knew what would happen if you stayed in the room alone. You knew where to find your collection of sharp objects and how your control would dwindle fast just by the sight of them. You could feel the sensations of them on your skin. This was dangerous territory and you knew it. So without thinking you fled. Seeing the outside of your dorm for the first time in days. The candle light seemed awfully too bright and overwhelming from what you remember, was it always this cold? Briefly, you considered going back to hibernate under your blankets and just wait this out, but the sensations on your arm reminding you just how much of a terrible idea it truly was. So you ran.

Your body mindlessly taking you to your safe place, your home. Before you even knew it you were up the hall standing outside of Lesso's chambers. A luxury only had been given, for this exact reason. Yet here you stood, willing yourself to stay put and knock. Yet your mind was telling you to go back to the room and give in. Give in to the demon that plagued you. You need it. But you don't want it. And that's what makes you knock. Small timid knocked in a carefully designed pattern alerted the older women of your presence. And when that door opened, you felt your heart shatter into a million pieces.

This was absolutely terrifying, but you were more scared of your own mind right now. Your body reacting instantly by seeing the women, you threw yourself in her direction causing your body to slam into hers. Sobs tore through your body as she brought her arms around your quivering form. At this point you didn't know what was real and what was in your mind. Was she holding you? The words you hear, are the created by your mind? You didn't know, and truthfully you didn't care right now. You needed her and she was here, in person or in your mind , but that didn't matter. She was here when you needed her just as she had promised to be.

Soon enough you had settled on her sofa in front of the fire being cocooned by her strong arms and words of reassurance and encouragement being whispered into your hair as you let it all out. Tears and muffled apologises for pushing her away, hurting yourself and not being strong enough. Each and every fear she squashed and by the end of it you had snuggled closer and fallen into the first restful sleep you'd had in god knows how long.

Word count~ 1170

#fanfic #lady lesso #sfgae #leonora lesso #lady lesso x reader #lesso x reader #lady leonora lesso #leonora lesso x reader #dean of evil #send anons #anon request

[manicplank]

My Friend, Bruno (Part 2)

BANG! BANG! BANG!

Flashes of light lit up the sky as gunshots echoed throughout The Pig City. Bruno sat on the floor beside his bed. Most people would be afraid during a shootout, but Bruno had grown numb to it. The city was filled with crime as the amount of criminals out numbered the number of police. He sat with his knees to his chest and his arms crossed over them. He rested his head on the side of the bed. Another round of shots fired. There was a shootout between the Shrimps gang and the police. They committed another robbery on an innocent business. Bruno sometimes wondered if a robbery would ever make it's way into his restaurant. He had already planned for it. Hidden in the restaurant was a revolver. It was an unregistered gun, so if someone were to be shot, it wouldn't be traceable. He was considering teaming up with Fake Peppino as part of a secondary security system. Shortly, the shots stopped, and sirens wailed as they faded in the distance. Bruno got up from hiding and looked out the window. A dead shrimp lay curled up in a puddle of his own blood. Bruno felt no fear but some sympathy. The Pig City was the only vacant place in the tower to live, so he couldn't move if he wanted to. Even so, he lived in what was considered the "nicer" part of town.

Bruno considered talking to Pizzahead about potentially moving somewhere else, but he was avoiding him in a way. After talking to John about the outside world, Bruno had grown a bit distant from Pizzahead. The closer they got, the more Pizzahead would pay attention to him despite being super busy in the lab. Apparently, he was creating a plot to destroying the lone pizzeria across from the tower, and Bruno was to play a large part in that plan. Every time Bruno had mentioned the outside world in the past, Pizzahead dismissed it and told him that he wasn't made for it. Pizzahead was supposed to be seen as the all-knowing, undoubted leader of the tower, but Bruno's opinion had started to change. He watched as he slowly began to lose his mind obsessing over destroying someone else's business. Bruno didn't understand it. The tower was filled with other pizzerias, why did he suddenly hate this one so much? Bruno had only heard of the rumored Peppino but never actually knew the man himself. He only knew the apex clone, Fake Peppino.

-

The next morning, Bruno had snuck out nearly in the morning in search for Gerome. He had gone up to the fifth floor to see if John knew where he was. Unfortunately, he bumped into Pizzahead. "Oh, hey Bruno," he said excitedly.

"Oh, Pizzahead," Bruno faked a smile. "Hey."

"What'cha doing up here?"

"Um, truthfully, I'm looking for Gerome. I wanted to talk to him about something."

"Oh? What, you getting tired of cleaning the restaurant?"

"Sort of," Bruno forced a small chuckle, "it can be pretty grating."

"I'm sure he'd do it. Maybe not willingly, though. He'll do most things if you pay him. The Noise pays him to keep the NTV building clean."

"Really? I had no idea. I thought Gerome just kind of... Well, he sort of just floats around."

"Yeah. You want me to call him?"

"That would be nice-"

"GEROOOOME!!!"

Gerome came up through the elevator and sighed, "What?"

Pizzahead tapped Bruno on the head. "You two do your business," he said, "I gotta keep working on something." He headed back down to a lower floor. Bruno and Gerome looked at each other for a minute.

"Okay, Gerome," Bruno spoke softly, "I need to talk to you about something, but please don't say anything to anybody. The only other person who knows about this is John. Oh! By the way," Bruno turned to John who was in the center of the floor. "Hi, John!"

John smiled and waved, "Hiii."

Bruno turn back to Gerome and sighed. He looked nervous. "I don't necessarily need anything from you," he continued, "but... tell me... What is the outside world like?"

Gerome's normal grumpy demeanor suddenly looked a bit sad. "It's wonderful, Bruno. It's full of life and freedom. There's all sorts of beauty out there. It's endless. There's miracles aplenty, so many that you'll never see everything. There's always something new and fascinating. The world out there is so much kinder than the world in here."

Bruno smiled. "It sounds so lovely."

"You're planning something. I know what that something is, but for your safety, I won't say it."

"Thank you. Truthfully, I don't have much of a plan, but the outline is there. No matter what I do, it's life or death."

Gerome looked at John, thinking of the times they had before they were trapped in the tower. "I hope you make it," he vented, "I hope you live to see greatness, happiness, and health."

"I'm sorry I can't save you."

Gerome turned to him. "Don't apologize, Bruno. Only one out of everyone in this tower can escape. I'm not going anywhere without my brother."

-

Bruno had finished his day in the pizzeria. Fake Peppino came into the restaurant as usual. "Hey, buddy," Bruno greeted him. He wasn't as cheerful as he usually was, and Fake Peppino noticed. He whined at Bruno. "I'm sorry, friend," he sighed, "I haven't been feeling right, lately." Fake stared him down intently. "What? Why are you looking at me like that?" Fake just continued to stare. "Oh! Leftovers! Right, sorry. Today's the best by date for the pepperoni." He headed into the cooler and grabbed a sleeve of uncut pepperoni. He tried to hand it to Fake Peppino, but Fake Peppino didn't move. "Here." He tried holding out further. They made eye contact for a good minute. "Oh, right! Up high!" Bruno tossed the pepperoni up into the air, and Fake Peppino caught it with his sticky, frog-like tongue. Bruno smiled, but it quickly faded. Fake Peppino whined again. "I'm sorry, buddy. I can't tell you why I'm feeling this way. To be honest, I'm not quite sure myself. But I'll be okay, I promise." He reached up and rubbed Fake Peppino's cheek. Fake then went around to scavenge the floor for any crumbs or leftovers.

Bruno went to the back office to count down the register. First came out the money for rent, then the money to support the restaurant, and what was left went into Bruno's savings. He had hundreds of thousands of dollars by then. It had been long since he counted, so it could've been much more. He peeked out to look at Fake Peppino who was still searching for food. The apex clone, Bruno thought, or soon to be.

When he left and locked up the restaurant, he was startled by Pizzahead who had snuck up behind him.

"Hey," Pizzahead yelled.

Bruno screamed, thinking he was being robbed. "Oh," he sighed. "It's just you."

"I wanted to talk to you about something. Will you come up to the lab with me?"

Bruno's heart dropped. He was worried that someone had overheard him talking to John and Gerome. He followed Pizzahead reluctantly up to the Staff Only floor. He looked at John, who had a worried look on his face. They went into the War level and took the long walk down to the lab. Tubes filled with failed clones were permanently sealed shut. Bruno looked at them and figured he was going to be met with the same fate.

"I need your opinion one somthing," Pizzahead spoke.

Bruno chuckled nervously, "Oh, phew! I thought you were going to kill me."

"Nope! I wouldn't dare. You're my proudest creation!" Pizzahead smiled wide. "I've been creating more clones, obviously, but they're having some behavioral issues. Now, I know all clones aren't going to come out as perfect as you... Well, I mean, you're technically not perfect yourself-"

"Wow, thanks."

Pizzahead laughed. "Oh, you know I didn't mean it like that. You should be glad you don't look anything like that fat man. I spliced his DNA with another random one I had sitting around and Voila! Bruno!"

"Yeah, I know you've told me a million times. Your point is?"

"Oh, right. I'm rambling, sorry. Like I said, some of the clones are having extreme behavioral issues. I've been debating putting an alarm in here that would blow the entire level into nonexistence had anyone set it off."

"That... sounds a bit extreme."

"Yes, but if any of them were to escape, it would be even worse. You want to see for yourself? Here, I'll let one out."

"Wait, no no no-"

Pizzahead opened up a small metal box and out of it came a Peppino-looking clone. It was perfect in appearance until it started to move. It lunged itself at Bruno. He flinched and ducked down. A gunshot was heard. Pizzahead was holding out a pistol. The clone lay flat on the floor, bleeding from the head. Bruno stood up in shock.

"See what I mean," Pizzahead continued, "they're completely ravenous."

"Why the fuck did you do that?"

"To prove my point."

"What do you expect me to do?"

"Nothing, really. I mean, if you see one, maybe shoot it. The others aren't as resilient as you or Fake Peppino. I mostly just wanted your opinion."

Bruno rolled his eyes. "To be quite honest, I don't know what you want me to do about the behavioral issues. As for the alarm, I think it's a good idea, but you should make something specific set it off. That way, you're not blowing yourself up... again."

Pizzahead cackled. "There's that smart Bruno I was looking for. I suppose I could put a trigger in, that way I'm not getting injured every time I walk in. I'd also need a code to deactivate the alarm." Pizzahead rubbed his chin in thought.

The two sat there for a minute before Bruno broke the silence. "Is that all you needed?"

"Yes, yes, you can go now! I have to get working on the alarm. Thanks! Get out."

Bruno was slightly relieved as he exited the level. He peeked past the door and saw John smiling. He smiled back. The two knew that Pizzahead was now even more distracted in his plot to take down Peppino's Pizza, leaving Bruno more time to work on his plan, too.

#pizza tower #pizzahead #pizza tower bruno #pizza tower fanfic #fanfic

[violet0-0]

Dear Us...

He isn't them. He's not dad or mom. We are broken. We make everything hard. Its hard and we are scared. Scared that everyone is leaving, that he will go too. He's too good for us. We are scared. I'm scared of being lonely. And I’m so scared to call you. We want to get better. Our words are empty to him. We are empty to him. You know he says he loves you but how much of that can we buy. We can't go to our friends, they have to be tired of hearing it. The crying. Cry dam it. Scream, cry. They are gone. Get over it. Or you'll lose him. Hes the best thing that has happened to you. His smile can take away the bad, you love him. We love him. Its not his fault its ours. We say sorry because we are scared. He' is getting tired of us. His smile will fade. Like mom. We hated the way she looked at us. Like a chore, like she had to keep up the mother thing. Or the other two who treated you like something who was supposed to fix them and you didn't want to make him feel like he had to fix you but it's too late. You want to run to him. We wanted to be perfect. What will we do. He might do it too, he will wake up and be done and end it. What will it be? How will he do it? In person? A call? A text? Lets face it a text is more that we deserve. Why does he love you? Why? Why? Why? He's tired. Look at his messages. He's doing it too "ok", "Whatever", "its not worth it". It's eating at you. Mom, we saw mom like this. You might be sick too. If we don't wake up, no. you can't think like that anymore. It makes him angry. Dad, you saw dad in, no. Stop it. We can't look at the bad. Fix us, no bottle it numb it this time. Fix us. Fix us. So we can feel like we deserve love. So he can see we aren't empty. So we can be happy on our own too. We love too hard and it left us with scares. Mentally and physically. Fix us so we can tell him i love you, and it doesn't feel empty to him. We are drowning, we have to swim. He wont speak like that for a while. He won't call for a while. We will be okay. Tell him the big thing, the rest. Tell him about all of them. the good and bad. if he wants to hear. Let him see us. Everything, show him our goofy side too. You know we have one. Show him the smile you hid for years. Tell him how your throat burns when you cry. How you like when he squeezes your hand when hes excited. How you miss your own smile. That him saying you are beautiful gives you the confidence for hours. How you want to lay down and just listen to music even if your tastes are so different and he will hate your music but will sit and listen but complain. We love him. We love our friends. So live. Live for them. Live. Show the world who we are.

#writers #writing #short poem

[mochiwrites]

When you put the song home by cavetown I think it talks about how others see Scar and how he sees himself.

Home by cavetown first line is "often I'm upset."  This is Scar expressing how he feels so surrounded yet so lonely

"That I cannot fall in love but I guess" Scar can't fall in love no matter how hard he trys because he is already in love with Mumbo (and Grian but he doesn't know that) and even when Tubbo trys to get him together with somone all he can imagine is Mumbo.

"This avoids the stress of falling out of it." Scar no longer needs to worry about hurting the people he cares about because he cut contact with everyone besides his son.

"Are you tired of me yet?" Scar asking Mumbo if he is done with dealing with Scar yet.

"I'm a little sick right now, but I swear." Scar is dealing with the guilt of what he did to the people he cares about but makes a promise.

"When I'm ready, I will fly us out of here." To fix the contract he made with Scott and will save Mumbo, Grian, and Tubbo once he is ready to take that step.

"I'll cut my hair." Scar will drop his false personality to explain the truth

"To make you stare." The truth isn't nice it hurts and will shock whoever he is telling (this case, Mumbo)

"I'll hid my chest" Scar will hide the truth till it boils out and he can't take it anymore.

"And I'll figure out a way to get us out of here." Scar is talking about how he will fix the mistakes he made.

"Turn off your porcelain face." Someone is asking Scar to stop acting like everything is okay.

"I can't really think right now in this place." Scar has so many things he doing and doesn't know how to take the next steps.

"There's too many colors" to many of Scar issues are plying on top of each other.

"Enough to drive all of us insane." Everything Scar is balancing could drive anyone insane.

"Are you dead?" Someone asked how Scar is feeling.

"Sometimes I think I'm dead." This is Scars response to whoever asked him how he feels after he broke all his trust with Mumbo and Grian.

"Because I can feel ghosts and ghouls wrapping my head." Scar is keeping the truth from everyone he cares about, causing  him to feel numb and guilty.

"But I don't wanna fall asleep just yet." Scar isn't ready to accept the fact he has betrayed just about everyone that loved him he would rather reminisce on the good things that have happened.

"My eyes went dark." This is how his eyes looked after the many years without Mumbo.

"I don't know where." It took Scar a long time to realize that leaving Mumbo, Grum, and Jrum, he broke the only bit of happiness in his life.

"Figure out a way to get us out of here."  Scar hopes Mumbo will forgive him for not saying goodbye in person.

"Get a load of this monster." Others talking about how Scar is a monster because he is the grim reaper.

"He doesn't know how to communicate." Grian defending Scar about him being a "monster."

"Will everybody please give him a little bit of space?" Grian is trying to show that Scar isn't what he thinks he is.

" Get a load of this trainwreak."  Words people have said about Scar.

"His hair's a mess, and he doesn't know who he is yet." More words people have said about Scar and being a fay he has learn who he is.

" But little do we know the stars." Grian, Mumbo, Drum, Grum, and Tubbo are the stars.

" Welcome him with open arms." They will be there to open their arms no matter what.

"Time is."  The time.

"Slowly ."  At a slow pace has.

"Tracing his face." Changed to who Scar is now.

"But strangely he feels at home in this place." He now feels at home with who he currently is.

interesting 👀👀👀

I will say, I’ve equated this song with a future plotline in songbird that’s been subtly hinted at. all of the songs are like that. but !! this is a good take *nods nods*

#mochi speaks #songbird asks

[channwie]

gojo satoru . . . . sonder 𖥔 ݁ ˖

"you answered."

"you called."

your body curls into itself, hugging your thighs to your stomach as a soft static echoes on the other line. you can hear satoru breathing, it's labored, he sounds tired. satoru never gets so exhausted.

"name—"

"why did you call me?" you whisper into the phone, shifting under your blankets. off to your left on the bedside table is a half empty bottle of wine and leftover kikufuku from yesterday that you tried to eat, but couldn't, mind numb with worries for him. "i can't save you."

there's an uneasy pit in the bottom of your stomach, and if you close your eyes, maybe, just maybe, you can imagine satoru's spooning you from behind, lanky legs thrown over yours and hugging you close.

"will you stay on the phone with me at least?" he asks, and you can imagine the lopsided smile tugging on his lip, the way his blue eyes mimic crystalline ocean waves on a hot summer day. he's content, or at least halfway. a part of him hopes you'll hang up on him, spare yourself the trouble.

but you both know you won't. you've always stuck by him, haven't you?

"okay." you mumble, and despite sinking into the softness of your mattress, your heart rate picks up, and you can't help but fidget. "satoru—" does it hurt? are you lonely? please don't die alone.

he lays still, and a part of him thinks this is a little funny. here, his feelings laid bare for all to see, not just you. he's the strongest, isn't he? what's there for the strongest to ever regret?

"don't ask me." he breathes, and it's almost a plead. don't think of me in that way. don't worry about me. i'm still your satoru. "please, don't."

you sit up in bed, and bring a shaky hand to your forehead, then your cheek, inhaling sharply. your heart slows just a little. a soft realization passes over you, and you think, is this how it ends? so anti-climactic? a quiet goodbye over hushed static?

"what are you thinking?"

satoru asks, and you know he already knows what's crossed your mind. and in fear of leaving you faster than he desires, he holds back his laugh, his body can't take the weight of his heart in his throat like it used to.

"just thinking how nice it'll be..." you sigh, almost longingly, grasping at a dream. he commits the sound to memory. a palm presses against your chest, the constant thrumming of your heart steadying you, a heart that isn't even yours — hasn't been yours for a long while. "when you come home to me again."

this time he grins.

"yeah?" he whispers, and his eyes flutter closed. this, this is what he wanted. the dramatics of it all can wait. in a world full of chaos, in a veil filled with nothing but his own bustling thoughts — you made everything quiet for him. "you'll be waiting by the door f'me?"

"with kikufuku in my arms." you smile, squeezing your own eyes shut, and you think some things, the nothings, are so beautiful too. a world full of nothings with satoru, doing a whole bunch of nothings that will eventually lead up to nothing. everyday, like that with him, you wouldn't be opposed at all. "we'll watch that movie you wanted to."

"tsk– the one with the tragic hero?" the irony isn't lost on him. and if anything, he's sure if there's a god, he'd hate the two of you, because all you both ever seem to do is meet fate halfway with defiance, laughing at destiny. "you mockin' me right now?"

this time you laugh. and something wounded tight in his chest flutters away, he's weightless.

"i love you."

"you're insulting me, baby." he sighs, and you can hear the strength of his voice going down a few knotches, like a warrior sheathing his blade and setting his armor down for polishing.

you fought well, 'toru.

"we don't say it like that, never." and he's still so childish — demanding all from you, all that you can't give. already given. what he already has.

we don't say i love you like it's a goodbye.

"love you 'toru," it comes out softer, less strained, and is followed by a soft hum of approval from him. "love you more, cutie."

there's a soft beat of silence. he should hang up now, before he starts gagging on his own blood. but he'll bear it a little while longer.

"baby?"

"i'm still here, satoru."

"wanna do me a favor?" he asks, and you know that tone, it's mischievous, teasing. this man, is it possible to love him more than you already do? "tell me about it some more, please."

"more about what?"

his breaths go ragged for a quick moment, and he's imagining you here, laying beside him just as you are too. "what we'll do when i come home."

you think, if satoru goes with your heart still in his hands, you wouldn't mind.

"yeah? i can do that — where were we?"

"the movie. after the movie..."

i'd hold you so close, so close and keep you there. then do nothing. everyday, a whole bunch of nothings.

"would you stay and do nothing with me, satoru?"

"it's never nothing when it's with you."

[adder24]

Take me back to Eden

A Songfic inspired by the song "Take me back to Eden" by Sleep Token.

A/N: I wrote it from the viewpoint of Reese during his quest to fulfill his vengence in "The Devils Share" @untilthe12ofnever @nuggsmum @plinkitee @sunrise68 @savhcaro @imo126 @imelopsittacus @bonnie131313 @scnewztown @bliphany @caviezeldaily @aragarna @eyesofwitt @follow-voice @heike-251 @detective-fiasco @hellostickerdoodle

Please tag on. I have forgotten a few POI blogs so my apologise

An anchor was what she was to him. She showed him mercy at his lowest point, compassion when he was shot, strength when their foes were hunting them down. She had managed to keep this lone wolf under control, made him feel like he was part of a pack, made him feel loved.

Reese had plenty of chances to drop his guard, let her in and bury the monster he used to be, he could have had something, he could have had everything he desired but he left it too long and now it was too late.

I dream in phosphorescence Bleed through spaces See you drifting past the fog But no one told you where to go We dive through crystal waters, perfect oceans But no one told me not to breathe And now the weightlessness recedes

Returning back to the darkness felt natural. The pain from bleeding wounds were numbed, grief now turned into a burning fire of vengeance and the monster had retaken its seat at the top of the table, its hunger would only be quashed when those involved were slain by his blood soaked hands

He should have allowed Harold to get him treated by one of his contacts but there was no time for back end hospital treatments or for wounds to heal. Those would need patching up on the fly, hatchet job stitches and bandages made from rags. It wasn’t pretty but it would hold for the time being while he walked, once again, down the path of the cold blooded killer. Hoping this time it would be a one way trip, hoping once his bloodlust was quenched, he could finally join her.

My, my, those eyes like fire I'm a winged insect, you're a funeral pyre Come now, bite through these wires I'm a waking hell and the gods grow tired Reset my patient violence along both lines of a pathway higher Grow back your sharpest teeth, you know my desire I will travel far beyond the path of reason Take me back to Eden, take me back to Eden Take me back to Eden

Simmons was the man to pull the trigger on them but Reese knew he was just the mouthpiece, he knew that order came from above, the man who Carter was putting away. Quinn and he knew where Simmons was going to run to.

Two birds one stone.

For all Reese cared, the wolves that lay in wait could have Simmons but Quinn, Quinn was in his crosshairs and he was determined to remove him permanently. Yet time wasn’t on his side. His wounds were not healing, every day he was popping sutures and patching himself up again, everyday the rags were drenched in blood, blood that his body was struggling to replace. 

Porcelain bathroom sinks were tainted with his crimson nectar, a sight he was oh too familiar with but the fire raged within him, there was no time to process the toil he was dragging his body through, his soul growing colder. Carter wanted to take Quinn down the right way, Reese just wanted to take him out, one way or another. Nobody was going to change his mind. Calls were missed and messages ignored.

His mind was set. The cold blooded killer returned.

Well yeah, I spit blood when I wake up Sink porcelain stained, choking up brain matter and makeup Just two days since the mainframe went down and I'm still messed up Room feels like a meat freezer, I dangle in it like cold cuts Missed calls, answered phones from people I just don't trust Mirror talk, fake love But I'll take a pound of your flesh Before you take a piece of my paystub White roses, black doves, Godmother, rise up I need you to see me for what I have become

He knew the US marshals would be protecting him, he knew where they would be holed up and the best ways to remove them from his mission. Plunge them into darkness, blind them and make sure none of them would get up to disrupt his plans. As simple as it was to perform, even that gave Reese a great deal of pain.

He needed a moment to catch his breath, to mask the pain of his wounds and that of his broken heart. Oh how he blamed himself for not being more open towards her, how he left it till that fateful night to drop his guard. He took her being there, ready to put her neck on the line, for granted and now she was gone and that hurt more than the inflamed bullet holes that oozed blood profusely.

My, my, those eyes like fire I'm a winged insect, you're a funeral pyre Come now, bite through these wires I'm a waking hell and the gods grow tired Reset my patient violence along both lines of a pathway higher Grow back your sharpest teeth, you know my desire I guess it goes to show, does it not? That we've no idea what we've got until we lose it And no amount of love will keep it around If we don't choose it

As he marched down the corridor, he could feel the flames of fury take hold, the burning rage filling his eyes. He knew Quinn was in the room, he knew that whoever was with him didn’t stand a chance and he knew deep down that this wouldn’t bring her back. 

If this was to be his last stand at least it would put him at peace, knowing he took the life of the man who coldly ordered her death.

And I don't know what's got its teeth in me But I'm about to bite back in anger No amount of self-sought fury Will bring back the glory of innocence

He watched as the last remaining guard crept out the room, he moved so that he was hidden and then struck, marching the guard back into the room at gunpoint before knocking them out and turning the gun on Quinn, fighting against himself to not end the man's life instantly, to prolong it, make the man give up information that he needed to relay over. Yet Quinn gave a speech about loyalty, droning on about not wanting to break the loyalty he had with Simmons, even if Reese threatened to kill him.

Magic words.

There was no threat, he was going to kill him even if he got what he wanted and he wouldn’t make it painless, he wouldn’t make it quick, he was going to drag it out and he made certain to tell him that, even if his breathing was becoming more labored and the pain more intense. It worked. He got what he needed from him and Reese was going to deliver on his promise, the gun trained on the man’s head, mere seconds from pulling the trigger before he was stopped, stopped by Harold's gentle voice, reminding him what she had sacrificed to bring down Quinn on her terms. 

He didn’t want to undo all that but the urge, the urge was strong. He wouldn’t do it in her name, he would do it to soothe his own soul, to correct his own mistake. He saw the fear flash across Quinn’s eyes as he made one last ditch attempt to put a bullet in his skull, annoyed that he was spared by the gun failing. He looked to Harold for Mercy, an end to the pain he had endured. What he got in return was Shaw hauling him back to the car, getting him into the back before he passed out from blood loss.

That was the moment he was at peace, calm and pain free. His mind put him in a garden, basking in the sun while listening to the birds around him chirping and cheeping. Flowers were bright, colourful and smelling sweet and somewhere in the distance he could hear a stream. He took a deep breath, a smile on his lips as he closed his eyes for a brief moment before opening them again, seeing a shadow cascade over him and a familiar face peering down at him.

My, my, those eyes like fire I'm a winged insect, you're a funeral pyre Come now, bite through these wires I'm a waking hell and the gods grow tired Reset my patient violence along both lines of a pathway higher Grow back your sharpest teeth, you know my desire I have traveled far beyond the path of reason Take me back to Eden Take me back to Eden

#the man in the suit #poi #mr reese #John Reese #Jim Caviezel #Joss Carter #Quinn #Harold #Person of Interest #Sleep Token #Take me back to eden #The Devils share

[dean-winchester-is-a-warrior]

Let Me See Inside - Ch. 1

Series Summary: Can Rae help Ben find what he's looking for?

Chapter Summary: Ben is trying to keep a low profile, and ducks into a little bar, but finds something else entirely inside.

Warnings/Explicit 18+: Some objectification of a woman, some show level violence. Cursing. Some angst.

Pairings: Soldier Boy (Ben) x Rae Stewart (OFC)

Word Count: 2K+

A/N: So, I won't say much about this series yet because I don't want to give away spoilers. But suffice it to say, I was unhappy with SB's ending on the show, so I needed to continue the story and change the ending. Hope you guys enjoy!!

A/N 2: This chapter will also fulfill one of my prompts for the 30 Day Writing Challenge. The prompt used here will be: Use the words, small town, bar, and jukebox.

Both the beautiful text dividers here and below were created by @firefly-graphics

Ben walked quickly down Wadsworth Avenue towards 189th Street. He kept his stolen baseball cap pulled low, eyes on the ground. The last thing he needed was to be recognized.

He needed to get somewhere safe and rest for a bit. After everything at the compound he was a little tired. He'd been walking for more than eight hours, from the compound where he was being kept in a small town in New Jersey, all the way into New York City. He just needed half an hour to recharge.

He spotted a little hole in the wall bar and smiled darkly. Recharge and rehydrate with something that might burn away the noise in his head. He needed a little numbness too.

He pushed through the door, glad to see there were fewer than a dozen people inside. He pulled his hat off automatically out of an old, ingrained habit. Gentlemen removed their hats when they entered an establishment.

He thought of putting it back on but then ran his hand through his hair and shrugged. He seriously doubted anyone in this dark, lonely bar was going to recognize him, especially not in jeans and a t-shirt.

A sad country song was playing on the jukebox in the corner and Ben grimaced. God, he hated that whiny, hillbilly shit. Give him some Nina Simone singing something soft and sultry over that crap any day of the week.

He walked up to the bar and sat down as the bartender approached with a wide smile.

"Hi there."

Shit, she was pretty. Bright blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair and tits like ripe melons. The rest of her body was perfect too, curvy and squeezable.

Fuck, he really didn't have time for distractions.

He smiled at her as he sat down and she came a little closer.

"Kinda looks like you've had a rough day." She sympathized. He liked her voice, it was low and husky.

Ben barked a laugh without humor. "You have no idea, sweetheart."

He shook his head. "Rough day, rough week, year, rough forty fucking years...goddamn rough century."

He ran his hand over his face and then caught her look of confusion mixed with polite concern. He pushed a hand through his hair again and chastised himself.

Stop talking, asshole! You wanna get caught?

He waved a hand towards her. "Don't worry about it, honey. Just give me something dark and hard."

She turned her back to him to pour the drink, and he took the opportunity to check out her ass. Fuck it was perfect, bite-able.

Eyes on the prize, fucker. He reminded himself.

She turned back and handed him his drink, and then rested her elbows on the bar, framing her tits and putting them on display in her little scooped-neck t-shirt. He knew she was aware of what she was doing, there was a glint of something calculating in her eyes.

"Wanna talk about what went wrong?" She asked. "That's what I'm here for."

That's not what you're here for, baby. He wanted to tell her. You're here to be fucked stupid; that body was made to be ridden hard by someone who knows how. Those tits and that ass are here for my enjoyment.

But he didn't say any of that. He really didn't have time to follow through with the flirtation. But, Jesus Christ, was he tempted.

As he fought down his libido, the bartender pulled back slightly and frowned. "Hey you look familiar."

Ben felt a lurch in his gut and he clenched his jaw.

Her eyes widened slightly and he knew she'd figured it out.

"Oh my god!" She said excitedly. "You're Soldier Boy."

Fuck.

He really didn't want to have to kill this pretty little thing. So before she could draw too much attention, he grabbed hold of her wrist and shook his head. His eyes held a dark, dire warning.

"No, I'm not, sweetheart. And if you know what's good for you, you'll realize you're mistaken."

She nodded quickly, eyes as wide as saucers, shock filling them. He kept his steely gaze on her a moment more before he let go of her wrist and took a sip of the whiskey she'd poured for him.

She moved away and began wiping down the counter. He sensed her taking sneak peaks at him as she cleaned the already spotless bar.

Eventually she slid back down the bar to stand in front of him. "I promise I'll never tell anyone. But...I heard you died. What happened."

Ben stared up at her, surprised, a little pleasantly, by her boldness. But he shook his head. "It's a very long story, sweetheart."

"It's Rae." She said with a smile. "As opposed to sweetheart and honey."

He stared up at her again, and an itchy kind of prickle flashed over his skin. His instincts were standing at attention and he frowned at her. Something was snagging in his brain, telling him something was off.

He looked down at the whiskey in his hand. "What ah...what brand is this?"

Rae looked confused for a second. "Oh, um..." She looked around her, and turned the label on the bottle towards her. "It's Cragganmore."

Ben stared hard at the beautiful face in front of him and felt disappointment creeping in. But he let out a small chuckle.

"Huh...you got the flavor wrong. Cragganmore is a Scotch whisky, and Scotch whisky has a smokier flavor. What you've got here is sweeter, more like a bourbon."

He watched a flicker of something like fear come and go from her expression and he cursed his shitty luck. He was gonna halve to kill her after all.

He leapt across the bar and slammed her into the back counter, smashing bottles and cracking her head against the mirror.

He wrapped his hand around her throat and she immediately started clawing the back of his hand, desperate for air.

He did not let up on the pressure. "Get out of my head, bitch."

She was shaking her head, mouthing something and he finally let go of her throat enough that she could suck in a bit of air and speak in a gargled raspy voice.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

He smashed her head against the mirror again and watched her eyes roll back as she was once again deprived of oxygen.

"Bullshit! I've seen Mindstorm at work, I know what it feels like to be trapped in your own head. And if this isn't some fucked up scene you're projecting into my brain, why has the same shitty country song been playing on the jukebox this whole fucking time?"

He looked over his shoulder briefly and laughed again, squeezing tighter. "And I gotta say these bar patrons are pretty fucking calm about the fact that I'm about to choke the bartender to death "

He shook her by the neck like a ragdoll. "Now, who the fuck are you and why are you doing this? Who do you work for?"

He let up a bit again and she began coughing harshly through her abused vocal cords.

"Ben." She said, throat raw sounding. "Ben, please calm down. I'm here to help you. I promise. But I need you to calm down and...

Her eyes went wide at something behind him, but when he looked, there was nothing there.

"No!" She yelled out hoarsely. She waved her arm towards something he couldn't see. "Don't. I'm fine. DON'T!"

Suddenly he could feel a mask being placed over his mouth, and taste the poison on his tongue. But there was still nothing physical to fight. He struggled wildly, blindly, desperate not to be returned to that place of endless nightmares.

But it was inevitable, he'd never been able to free himself once the toxin started doing its work.

His last view just before his eyes closed was of the pretty little bartender's face, and she was incredibly angry.

She looked sexy when she was mad.

***

Rae ripped the delicate sensory monitor from off her head and threw it aside, not giving a shit that she might damage the tech that cost the American government millions of dollars.

She watched the guards in their Hazmat suits lifting Ben off the ground to safely store him away in the cryo-chamber until their next try.

She stormed out of the small, hermetically sealed room she conducted the sessions from, and headed down the sterile white hallways until she reached the office she was looking for.

She slammed into the room without knocking.

"Goddamn it Mallory, you said you wanted me to use my powers to build bridges in Soldier Boy's mind, to lay groundwork that will let us try to undo whatever shit the Russians did to him, right?"

Lieutenant-Colonel Grace Mallory sat behind her desk, fingers steepled against her chin, and said nothing.

Rae clapped her hands as though she was trying to wake her. "Hello? That's right, isn't it? I mean that was the objective? I didn't misunderstand the assignment did I?"

Mallory shook her head. "No, you didn't."

"Okay, well I can't build any fucking bridges if your bloody goons come tearing in to gas him every ten fucking minutes." Rae fumed, fists balled up at her sides

Mallory's voice was calm and it annoyed Rae. "My men said that he was headed towards going nuclear. They said the Geiger counter was climbing fast."

Rae rolled her eyes. "If they'd just stayed away, I could have talked him back down."

She sighed deeply and flopped down into the chair in front of Mallory's desk. "You know it gets harder every time we have to start over again, because his subconscious remembers. And for someone like Be-"

Rae cleared her throat. "For someone like Soldier Boy, whose instincts are razor sharp...well, he's caught on so fast the last few times. This time he barely even sat down before he started to get suspicious."

Rae ran both her hands over her face. "By the way, remind me to buy a bottle of Cragganmore so I can memorize the taste and send the right flavor into his brain next time."

Mallory got up and walked over to the small wooden cabinet in the corner of her office and pulled out a bottle of the scottish whiskey.

"I can save you the expense."

She poured them each two fingers and brought them back to her desk. She slid the tumbler towards Rae and raised her glass.

"Slàinte Mhath!" She said in Gaelic before sipping it slowly.

Rae took a sip of hers and it burned a path down her throat, causing her to grimace.

She was quiet a moment before she continued, her voice soft. "You know all he sees are nightmares when he's in that fucking tube. He's not resting peacefully, he's in one long, endless nightmare. It's all death and blood. And people screaming so loud I can hardly stand to be inside his head."

Mallory's expression was troubled for a moment before she downed the rest of her whiskey. "Look, Stewart, I didn't recruit you for this job so we could coddle Soldier Boy's fragile psyche back into a sense of harmony."

She leaned back in her chair and steepled her fingers again. "Homelander has got Ryan and he's going to hurt him one way or another. As long as he's with that maniac, Ryan is not safe. And I swore to myself that I wouldn't let anymo-".

Mallory dropped her hands, rubbing her palms against her thighs. Her voice was dipped low, but vehement as she continued.

"I swore I wouldn't let any more children die."

Rae could practically see the unbending determination slide back into Mallory's backbone.

"And Soldier Boy is still the only one capable of taking out Homelander. So we need him. But we need him whole, we need him on our side, and we don't need him going nuclear any time he gets stressed."

Mallory leveled her gaze at Rae. "Which is why I need you to keep trying. Try to get through to him, try to de-program whatever the Russians did to him, and let's get our weapon up and running"

***

Ben walked quickly down Wadsworth Avenue towards 189th Street...

...he needed to get somewhere safe and rest for a bit.

He spotted a little hole in the wall bar and smiled darkly. Recharge and rehydrate with something that might burn away the noise in his head. He needed a little numbness too.

As he entered, he smiled at the sound of Nina Simone's sultry voice crooning out of the jukebox in the corner. One of his favorites.

He walked up to the bar and sat down as the bartender approached with a wide smile.

"Hi there."

@lyarr24

Chapter 2

Jensen RPF + Any/All characters Jensen plays.

@siospins2

@impalaslytherin

@akshi8278

@maggiegirl17

@candy-coated-misery0731

@nt-multi-fandom

Any/All Fics (regardless of fandom/character.)

@sunshineandwings86

@kazsrm67

@sexyvixen7

Everything (includes fan vid/DOOL edits as well)

@unabashed-lover-of-fictional-men

@awkward-and-indecisive

@maliburenee

@supernatural4life2022

@spn730015

@b3autyfuldisast3r

@kickingitwithkirk

@waywardbaby

@foxyjwls007

@deanwanddamons

@deandreamernp

@deanwithscissors

@myloversgone

@snowlovespie

@leigh70

@all-alone-he-turns-to-stone

@fangirlxwritesx67

@charred-angelwings

@hopefuldreamers-world

@mysherlock221b

@jensensgotyoudean

@stixnstripesworld

@thoughts-and-funnies

@magssteenkamp

@norman1967

@princessmisery666

@eevvvaa

@mishkatelwarriorgoddess

@deepsketchsupernaturalcowboy

@b-i-t-c-h-i-e

@twirpbunwarrior

@mysweetlittledesire

@waynes-multiverse

@mrsjenniferwinchester

@bernasaurus

@jensenslady79

#soldier boy x ofc #soldier boy fan fiction #soldier boy series #there will be angst #there will be smut #there will be fluff #the boys soldier boy fanfiction #the boys fan fiction

[dnangelic]

" I missed Valentine's ! " He admits in the midst of the hurry of their reunion, voice a little loud with exasperation and frustration and a huffy laugh that masks every other bad thing. Guilt pulls and rips at his heart but it isn't enough to take away the smile on his lips, that giddy, lovestruck dumb thing that hurts where a bandaid covers cracked skin on his cheek, but it refuses to budge ever since he led eyes on Daisuke.

" Here. " Shou returns from rampaging in his bag with a simple white box, one that matches the bandages covering the hand that's holding it. Right, he hasn't explained that, nor anything yet, really. But he has his priorities set, definitely right, and nothing is going to change that. Once unwrapped from the atrocious glittering ribbon that holds it together, the box would reveal a single, smooth, big heart of classical brown chocolate dusted with sugar. Would have been a rather lonely piece. That's what passed along Shou's brainstorming process before deciding to add a couple more pieces, two wings of dark chocolates to either side.

Would the shape and taste even matter when he's gifting them late ? He couldn't get any less lame & unceremonious.

" I made them myself, Kaa-chan helped, not sure about the taste, I'm a bad taste tester, I thought it's only fair that I gift you first this time, and I ... uh ... " He muses out loud, loses track after handing over the box, hands return to his pocket, hiding away what they can. He simply stares for a few seconds, big blue eyes reflecting a mind devoid of answers, excuses, apologies. There is only longing and whole damn lot of it. Shit. He doesn't know how to do this. " I'm a terrible boyfriend. "

( obligatory valentine ask. shou flavored. intrusive thoughts ALWAYS WIN when it's him. )

@espectres

shou missed valentines . it's true , isn't it ? there's nothing daisuke can say , neither to defend himself nor the other . there's no lie that can cover the fact up for either of them ; no laugh of his own that can undo the long absence of the empty space it fills . no bandaid that could be stretched over the niwa's own personal scratch and wound , a small blood-letting gash that left him missing and wanting for shou more than anything else .

--- and how long could an empty heart ever endure ?

darker and darker , duller and duller , the boy had been prodded and needled by all sorts of thorny worries that had managed to take root during the day . one after another , plucked out stinging from his thoughts and what felt like his heart's ventricles : shou hadn't run away from him ? ( he would have never . ) shou hadn't gotten tired , fed up with the likes of a thief and a fallen angel's curse , both monstrous in their own right ? ( he would have said so . ) shou was safe ? ( he had to be . please , don't try to do everything all alone again . )

faith had weighed itself against every dreary anxiety , and it's why at that familiar expression on shou's wrecked face --- bashfulness tender as split knuckles , the lovestruck daze of someone hit by a lead pipe , the scales of daisuke's own thoughts feel to snap and break , and his heart starts to pound . entranced by atmosphere alone , there's a waking relief that pools out even from the numb ache in his limbs , this overwhelming furnace-burning as his hands turned wintry cold . even his most wretched face remains dazzled with wonder like this , reds starved as empty plates and only now dining on every sight , granting a live , thrashing bliss and ecstasy .

shou was here . had come back ; returned to , for him . shou still loved him --- and of course , he still loved shou .

arms wrap about the other and a kiss lands itself on their cleaner cheek with one swift impulse . he can't help but cradle shou closely , tightly , coveting this above all , momentarily ignoring the proffered chocolates to embrace the other for as long as it might take 'til he was satisfied , and his form soundlessly changed again . holidays came and went , and so did excuses to give each other sweets or sugary dates punctuated by laughter . shou was late , but what did it matter ? even late was still a presence , one that the niwa would have done just about anything , anything for .

' --- but you're still mine , shou-kun . ' soft and light even in guarding possessiveness , his usual cherub-chime . speak of terror and he'd confess to the thought of losing the other without as much as a farewell to give above all else , like so many others before . whatever's happened , he doesn't ask , only separating himself to let a hand cup and palm the space below their tended wound , holding them like this : flushed and swept away by one of the world's most incredible creations .

shou should have stayed with him and stayed safe , but they could talk about it later . right now , he had his own longings , after all .

' the chocolate ... um , w-will you feed it to me ? ' anything's good , as long as it's from you --- but i bet you worked on it , didn't you ? ' i really missed you . ' it's not enough to simply receive , to take the other's chocolate heart and leave . ' we can still make up for lost time . ' and i want all that i can get ---

with you .

' happy valentines , shou-kun . thank you . you're the best ! '

#*･ﾟ⊰ ANSWERED. ⊱ #espectres #CANON. #😤 DAI WILL ALWAYS EXPLODE RADIATING LITTLE SHOUJO ANIME HEARTS AT HIM #PUTS THE SHOU IN SHOUJO!!!!!!!!!!!! FOR DAI!!! #the 'ohhh maybe he left me 🥺' to 'HE STILL LIKES ME!!! I STILL LIKE HIM SO MUCH IT HURTS!!!' pipeline #GJRGJFKGKJFKGJK

[ferris-the-wheel]

Posted 4/17/24

So yall know how I'm a pretty avid writer (you probably didn't know that but I am; I aspire to be an author one day), so I have come here today to share with you some examples of my writing style and some random things I came up with by using a one word or sentence prompt generator.

All of these were created by me using my own brain so even if you look them up as quotes or whatever (in the scenario where you don't believe I actually wrote them), you will not find them :)

Warning: this post is really fricking long TvT

1. (Prompt word: Rain)

It was cold. Wet. Absolutely miserable. How did it end up like this? What had happened to end up here? It circled under the strong wooden beams above it as rain assaulted the already water-covered ground to its left. But the rain didn't care, relentlessly slashing the ground with its force. It watched the rain for a moment with a curious light in its eyes. Finally, it sat down, not caring to stand anymore. Not willing to live in such a cruel fated world that had cast it aside like dirt.

It felt its heart beat slowly, so slowly, then it quickened, as though a frightful thought had made it wish to run, escape from its own body. And such a thought had indeed entered its mind. Will its demise surely be here? With nothing but the muddied ground and withered leaves beneath a rotting bridge, would they be its sole companions until death came to receive its lone soul from its own lifeless body?

2. (Prompt: Write about someone eavesdropping on a private conversation)

He shouldn't be doing this. Only bad things come to those who don't do as they should. But he was curious, like a moth to a flame that would inevitably become burnt by its warmth as the creature strayed too close. His heart raced, panicked at the moment when he would become discovered, for he knew there would be no solution, no excuse, that could explain why he sat there, lurking, listening silently to a conversation from a wine cabinet, crouched like a cat behind the crisscrossed wine shelves.

3. (Prompt: Write about someone in a dream)

The girl heard a voice in her ear. She turned but... there was no one there. Just a vast plain of emptiness, of a clearness that refused to be understood. Her mind seemed to think that it'd be unwise to attempt to comprehend it, an offense to one unseen but always watching. But yet, she found herself thinking. What could this place be? As though her own brain had betrayed her impertinence, she found herself falling, feeling as though she was a ball being bounced about by a small child. Yet despite this, she fell straight and downward into another, further unknown that promised fear to the heart of the one who dared question its existence.

She found herself falling forward, but as she blinked, she realized that someone stood beside her. Her mind, numb from sleep, began to slowly awaken. A voice reached her ears, not as hollow and soothing as the one from the unspoken place. This voice seemed so harsh and jagged compared to the ethereal one that had spoken silently into her ears, no words being said but her mind knowing what it meant.

The sharper voice spoke again, but she could not understand its words. Her tired mind managed to fixate on the wall in front of her, wincing at the bursts of color, so different from the place of nothing, yet the wall was made of plain wood. A hand shook her shoulder, so she turned to look at its owner, hoping to see the nothing again, but her hopes were cruelly torn away upon seeing a woman instead, a look of what seemed to be concern on her face.

4. (Prompt: In an attic)

He found himself amused by everything nowadays. Trapped in a small, dingy attic, slowly dying of a disease that no one had even heard of. The old fool below leisured about, drowning away his sorrows of losing his only son in a bottle of some odd mixture of alcohol. But yet, his son had not died of the disease, because the disease was only in the drunkard's own head. But oh, his son was dying, not of illness, but of starvation. Starvation does funny things one's head, the son realized. It messed with your mind.

He supposed that he never felt very amused before, so everything became something of amusement now that he could feel his own mind bending and snapping, each day becoming more unbearable. Yet he beared it, for reasons unknown to himself or to his father, who came up once every morning to see if his child had perished yet, only to disappear down the steps upon seeing he had not.

5. (Prompt: A sad song)

She was singing that sad old tune again. The girl watched her mother sit, staring off into the darkened forest, a haunting melody falling from her lips. There were never words to this song, but perhaps that would have made it more bearable. It used to be a comforting lullaby. Now it greeted her every night in her nightmares.

6. (Prompt: Mom's always telling me to come straight home)

Mom's always telling me to come straight home. It's a well-known rule amongst those in town: don't be caught outside after dark. Bad things happen at night... I should have followed that rule. Most children questioned that rule, but followed it nonetheless. I was different. I wish I hadn't been as inquisitive, as curious, as daring... The lone thing that holds no form, that wanders the streets at night, waiting, watching, for something to move. Even animals know to remain motionless, because it knows when you move.

I didn't see it coming until it was too late. It made no noise as it approached, nor when its teeth closed around my throat. Now I wander as it does, unable to speak, unable to feel, unable to warn those who did as I did, and sneak out at night to prove the rule wrong. That nothing bad happens at night. Because bad things do happen at night. I am one of them.

Ooooo, maybe you guys should start giving me writing prompts and I'll write a short (or long) kinda story thing like these :O I'm also going to continue to post these little short things as well when I come up with them. Not on long posts like this one, I was a bit excited lol

#ೃ⁀➷ ferris' ramblings

[mydigitaldiaryz]

Entry Log #4

TW; im not sure at this point . im really just writing whatever sparks up in my mind. i need to clear it up a bit.

My days have been dulling. everything is so boring to me; it's almost insane. ive been losing motivation for everything, ive become to tired; everything that has brought me joy is gone. even when i try to recreate it in any sort of way, nothing happens anymore. it's useless really. all i feel is just this stupid, overwhelming feeling of emotion and disappointment that i can't decipher anymore.

I've been getting into random pills, nothing too bad like drugs, just pills that are bought over-the-counter, just to stop it, have my mind run slower and just think one thought at a time, but I think that ultimitely makes me feel worse, since it just takes a stop to all the depressing things i feel about myself, always my mind telling me to take more. It's so harmful to me and my mental health, always making me far too numb than I already have felt, but it just feels so much more nicer. Like I can't care anymore, whatever happens, whatever I do, I just can't give one singular shit. It has my brain all scrambled so I can't really overthink that hard, which is perfect, since my mind is going to be fuzzy either way.

My favorite pill so far has been Tylenol. I've been abusing it for a short while, just to get that feeling of adrenline and fear that this final pill could be the last one ending my life. That's the only sort of joy I feel when it comes to my life now. The fun it takes me, impulsively spending my life over some bunches of pills. It's almost too addicting to stop, I might add.

Of course, it's never too much that it gets to the point of a really bad overdosage, but just a little bit more than suggested, like for example, the one I did earlier today was 2,500 mg of Tylenol, but also yesterday night too, counting inside the 24 hour time period, it was 2,000 mg of Tylenol, too. So, adding all of that together is 4,500 mg. Which isn't that bad. I'm pretty sure the severe overdosage is 7,000 mg, which is nowhere near it. Or atleast that's what I'm guessing, but I'm really no doctor, so I have no idea what's really going on.

I don't know what else to do with myself than cut and take overdosages of pills. I can barely do anything, let alone actually live a normal life. It's sad knowing I could do so much more, but because of how mentally fucked I am in the head, I'll never really go as far as I or my mother planned. I know my mom is disappointed in me for being such a screw-up of a child she wish she never had the misfortune of giving birth to. I know she wants me since yeah, I'm still her kid afterall, but I also know for a fact she doesn't want someone LIKE me.

I can't stand hanging out with my friends now too, not after the fact that I can tell all of them can't stand being around me either. I know they just got bored of me so quick, and only keep me around for some punching bag they make fun of and laugh at. I hate how I'm always the butt of the joke, always the one getting made fun of. I don't get it, really. What's so bad about me? What's so wrong about me? I can tell they also shit-talk me so badly. And my girlfriend, I know for a fact she's just waiting for me to break up with her so she can stop hanging out with a shitty, ugly loser like me. She probably doesn't even actually like me, she just doesn't want to feel alone, just like how other people use me for. To just stop feeling alone with themselves. To look like they aren't lonely. It's pathetic of me, really. To stand around and act like they aren't sticking to me until their friend comes over so they don't look alone, because I can't stand being lonely too. Even though I constantly feel it everyday, no matter what, even when I have so much people surrounding me and showing that they actually like being around me for once.

I can't stand anything, anymore. I'm just so tired with being alive. I just want to disappear. Everything is just so frustrating, I've been planning for so long how to end it all, a delicate and perfect plan that I know would fall through if I attempted it. I haven't tried yet, but I wish to. God, do I really want to.

I just don't know anymore. I just want to die.

#mydigitaldiaryz #hate myself #i wanna kms #i want to disappear #mental illness #mental instability #self h@rm #sewer slide #sh cvt #shblur #tw self destructive behavior #tw self destruction #born to die #im so tired #tw sui ideation #tw sh implied #sh things #mentally tired #actually mentally ill #self mutilator #i hate my existence #mentally drained #mentally exhausted #mentally fucked #mentally unstable #mental health #988blr #988twt

[shameonmeeguiltypleasure]

Personal share: I just needed to vent this out to a void of some sort.

Nobody warns you about the 'literal' COST of Living you face once your born. I feel like my childhood was me being scammed into spending a bunch only to be later slapped in the face with the receipt and expected to pay it. "What?You can't pay it? Well let's make it a debt you owe me, now get to work bitch"

I'm sharing this here because honestly, I think if anyone I know and love in my real life were to hear me out they'd tell me what I already know "That's just Life".

With how sensitive i am right now, I'd break down into a sobbing mess and I can't afford that right now......

- Im on the verge of feeling numb again, like brittle and so ready to disappear.

-Im struggling to feel passion and feel stuck in an endless cycle of work, sleep, eat repeat.

- I feel empty and a constant thrum of nausea at everything I say, do or when I see my reflection.

-Ive tried buying my joy and short bursts of satisfaction but it always leaves my bank account empty and fades too quickly.

-I miss my parents, but I'm a adult now and they expect adult things from me. They don't have time for my mood swings because I'm "just too much"

-My sister is drained from work and I don't want to be an additional burden

-My best friend is preparing to fight for her new career and I don't even have my liscense to drive. (I have no idea why she still keeps me around when I'm so unambitious)

- My cousin has lost so much weight and im growing jealous of her confidence. (She's married and has 3kids!! I'm jealous that she's found someone she trusted to start a family with and I'm still a lonely sob)

-My brother is moving out to live with his long term gf and start his studies. (He has no loans thanks to my sis and I, Obvs doesn't respect or care for me as much as he does her. I deserve it honestly, but it still stings sometimes)

- I struggle to speak most days because I just don't think. I have anything worth saying. (But my job requires me to call ppl and I cant afford to lose this gig)

-I struggle to eat because I just can't find the balance between starving and overindulgence. (I love my body. But there are parts of me I feel I need to change because society or loved ones say I should)

-I struggle to socialise because I just don't share the same interest as those around me or my work colleagues. (Is this because I don't know who I am some days? Or because I just don't have the energy to be contradictory to somebody else's opinion?)

-Im constantly sick and feel guilty for taking days off and still getting sick leave pay. (My job caters to this!! It's in my contract so why can't my brain stop making everything feel like doomsday!?)

- I don't often make mistakes but when I do their huge and I feel immense shame and guilt everytime. I'd offer up my limb if it would make the bad feeling go away. (These are the moments I wish I could read minds, I just want to know what I'm doing wrong so I can fix it!? Is it actually ok or are you just saying that then talking shit bout me behind my back?)

Honestly..... I just don't think I value myself enough right now, I don't think Im seeing my worth and I desperately need to fix it before it becomes worse.

I've had this fight before and I won, I'm not doing it again.

I'm tired.

God am I tired.

Fuck.

If this doesn't ease up before my next one to one with my boss, I'll ask them to send me to therapy (work benefit is that'll be free)

#dont read #im just in a mood #feelings and gloom