#TODAY I WAS MANIC MANIC NOT DEPRESSED MANIC SO ITS GREAT DAY AND TIME TO TALK TO BRIE | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

leejihoonownsmyheart · 5 months

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WE ARE BONDED...I THINK YOU'RE A GRYFFINDOR?? RIGHT?? IF IM WRONG ILL BE SO ASHAMED

OH MY GOODNESS YEAH I TOTALLY AGREE. LIKE WHY DO ALL KDRAMAS NEED TO BE KTRAUMAS 😭😭?? COULD WE NOT GET SOME FLUFF FOR ONCE...

HELP THAT ANIME IS SO FUNNY?? he's so relatable for turning into dust btw that's actually mad funny 😂😂😂

HAVE YOU SEEN THE ANIME OF THE GUY WHO'S VA WAS LAUGHING AT THE DUDE'S NICKNAME BEING DICK?? I DON'T REMEMBER THE NAME BUT THE VA WAS ACTUALLY LAUGHING IN THE STUDIO

no because cheol/hao/wonwoo (and- hot take maybe- shua and jeonghan??) totally give off that 'passive dominance' vibe

YEAH I TOTALLY LOST FEELINGS FOR THAT GUY....LIKE I THINK I MESSED UP IN THE BEGINNING BECAUSE I TEXTED HIM TOO MUCH 🙃🙃 it is what it is tho because i think im much better off without him...........

OKAY I HAVE A THEORY ABOUT PULLING DOMINANT MEN....you either have to act SUPER independent/borderline "leader" like OR you have to act like someone that could be a sub little housewife (like its the 1970s oops).... IM TRYING THOSE 2 OUT RN SO LETS SEE HOW IT GOES LOL

so many meds?? that sounds so complicated (and borderline terrifying 🙁) it must be so bad to be given something that's supposed to help but somehow makes things worse

would a sleep study actually help? here's to hoping it will because not being able to sleep must be torture brie im so sorry i hope you get through this in one piece (ONE PIECE MENTIONED!??!?!?)

PRINCESS SWITCH IS SUCH A GUILTY PLEASURE?? IM GLAD SOMEONE ELSE MENTIONED IT BECAUSE IM SO EMBARASSED TO SAY ITS...KINDA GOOD......

true. imagine ignoring your child's pleas for mashed potatoes... those creamy garlic mashed potatoes are actually a god given right, you can't convince me otherwise 😒😒

NO BRIE YOU DON'T SUCK! YOU'RE A WONDERFUL BEING THAT DESERVES THEIR PLACE IN THE WORLD.... AND YOU ARE PRETTY?? I THINK YOUR VISUALS ARE REALLY FRESH 😭

i'm doing great (besides finals.)!! YOU GOT THIS BRIE I BELIEVE IN YOU

-finals week or 🫨 anon's final week? stay tuned

Hufflepuff 😨

NO SERIOUSLY they should make a website like does the dog die but for what episode of a drama you should stop watching at if you want to pretend there is a happy ending

NO HAHAHA I DONT THINK IVE SEEN THAT ANIME BEFORE BUT IT SOUNDS SO FUNNY IF YOU REMEMBER THE NAME PLEASE TELL ME???

I actually really heavily agree on that Joshua take that’s crazy but i feel that

NO I THINK I REALLY MESSED UP WITH ONE OF MY FRIENDS i’m so stressed about it too she’s taking a break from social media and i’m going crazy like i feel like part of it is just that i’m too much for her now and i’m so stressed, every day i want to spam her and i have literally been crying every single night because i’m so upset cause i think i really fucked up but like is it worse that i think that she would just abandon me? IDK but i’m so upset it’s been a week now. What if she hates me, and also i went literally crazy and i don’t think she knows how crazy but crying every single night cause i think she hates me and left me is CRAZY like every time i calm down i see reason but i was rereading our interactions so much and analyzing all the things i did wrong so much i had to delete the messages

I’m crazy. I’m crazy actually. I want to just forget everything and move on but imagine i put all this effort into forgetting her because i had a maniac anxious breakdown in the middle of a depressive episode and she comes back completely normal expecting me to be completely normal 😭😭 that would be crazy right

I’m crazy right. I’m crazy.

OKAY THATS IMPORTANT RESEARCH RIGHT THERE ACTUALLY CAUSE I HAVE NEVER EVER EVER MET A MAN WHO WANTS TO DOMINATE ME AND HONESTLY?? IM SICK OF THIS BULLSHIT I KEEP PURPOSELY ACTING UP IN FRONT OF GUYS TOO LIKE PURPOSELY I WILL ACT LIKE A BRAT WHO CANNOT BE CONTROLLED AND NOTHING. NOTHING! PLEASE TELL ME HOW YOUR RESEARCH PROJECT GOES TODAY I LITERALLY TOLD SOMEONE THAT A MAN I FRIENDZONED LIKED TO BE DOMINATED AND TOLD WHAT TO DO AND THE GUY I FRIENDZONED HAS LITERALLY SEEN MY FUCKING BDSM TEST RESULTS AND THERE WERE NO REPERCUSSIONS 😭

Meds are meds i guess i’m just really hoping these new ones work. The sleep study SHOULD be helpful like if it’s a serious health problem. And it will help them know if it’s not like sleep apthia? Or something like that

I WAS TRYING TO TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT THE HEIST ONE?? AND THEY WERE LIKE but the first one is so bad and i was like oh my god… they haven’t even met the third twin LIKE ITS GOOD???

I don’t remember why i said i suck but oh god so annoying i give myself the ick. TODAY I WAS LIKE i was like when i serve food out to people sometimes i like can’t explain this well but i smile and pose? Like when i turn around i’ll like IDONTKNOW POSE? ITS LIKE SUBTLE BUT ITS LIKE IM IN A MOVIE AND IM THE MAIN CHARACTER AND ITS REALLY ANNOYING AND SUBCONCIOUS SO IM ONLY AWARE AFTER IVE DONE IT AND ITS SO ANNOYING AND IT GIVES ME THE ICK SO BAD i have A SERIOUS pick me problem that no one will EVER acknowledge even when i say it i’m surrounded by LIARS

HOW HAVE YOUR FINALS BEEN GOING ARE THEY GOING WELL?! YOURE GONNA DO AMAZING YOUVE GOT THIS

#TODAY I WAS MANIC MANIC NOT DEPRESSED MANIC SO ITS GREAT DAY AND TIME TO TALK TO BRIE #I ONLY CRIED RIGHT BEFORE WORK IN MY CAR AND ALMOST ONCE AT WORK BUT NOT AT ALL ANYMORE THATS THE RECORD FOR THE MONTH ACTUALLY #b: 🫨 anon

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firestormdiaries · 1 year

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Dis

DISCLAIMER: THIS IS DIRECTED AT SPECIFIC PPL CAUSE ITS MY LAST SAFE PLACE TO VENT and if you know great if you don't keep scrolling cuz it's gonna be butthurt stuff. You were warned.

Friends and family really he out here forgetting what bipolar manic depressive means and that when I said I'm off my meds cuz not wanting side effects reactions forgot what a manic anger or depressive episode are like and are back on the same bs like it's the first time encountering this.

Like really. You've known me for how long and know how I act medicated and not medicated.

And all my efforts to try and keep from lashing out mean shit

Mkay.

You don't care

Neither do i

You're a pathetic existence for a human being. Stop making me watch my friends show their disloyalties by cutting each other off instead of using the brain they have and thinking hey this person doesn't normally act this way or do this something must be wrong

Nah, I'm just a psychotic bitch being hateful

Nevermind the fact I'm still grieving family dying, dealing with my guts literally trying to come out and cause death and still maintain my composure for your delicate sensibilities and feeeeelings cause I'm so fucking considerate of everyone

Nah. Consider this, you're a shite human being. I put you through this? Riiiight, 13 years of mental and emotional trauma and asking for basic standards from you only to be given gaslighting and victim shit

Right.

Ok well here's me making an emotional hurricane lexia to ruin everything for everyone. No one has a good day today

Don't push someone already way past their limit who has CLEARLY communicated this and has BEEN COMMUNICATING THIS for you to suddey be taken by surprise

This is beyond fuck around and find out you do e found out and Karma is pounding you.

But you're too oblivious to know

Gd. I knew if I stopped maintaining for everyone shit would fall apart. Fuck.

Time to learn by experience

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himbosims · 4 years

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I’m ready to just disappear from all my discord servers that I am a member of and become a ghost floating through the internet without anyone ever seeing me

#all the ones im in are just #ugh #idk #its not because of anyone in them #but moreso that i dont really have connections with the people in them and such so ugh idk #but i dont wanna just disappear out of the blue #not that anyone would notice but still #ugh winter is coming and its really fucking up my mood #idk whats up with me but fuck #i get really sad and low and depressed #then im happy and i am motivated and i get shit done #and its a constant circle all the time #i had a breakdown the other day and all day today i was in a great mood #and then suddenly when i was at work it just dropped again #idk what it is tbh #ive studied personality/mood disorders #and its not like i have super manic episodes where im acting crazy #its just like my mood rises and falls a lot out of my control #and its usually not caused by an outside source #idk its not fun and i dont enjoy it and i wanna just play sims and watch shameless but im supposed to be writing this paper for class and ug #i wanna just cry because im overwhelmed for no fucking reason and ugh

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helliontherapscallion · 3 years

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Sweet Betrayal

Part 2 Part 3 Part 4

Spotify Playlist (collaborative)

Warnings: swearing, neglect, successful suicide attempt, death, insanity

(A/N): I had a little too much fun writing this

“I’ll help you.”

Tommy cheered and clapped a hand on your shoulder. Wilbur gave you a slightly manic smile, his plan is going to work out perfectly with you working with them. Techno merely grunted in acknowledgement. Something about your tone threw him for a loop, but he just summed it up to the voices and his growing trust issues. The voices were screaming at him not to trust you, that you were a traitor, that you’d betray them. But there’s no way his youngest sibling would ever betray them; they couldn’t hurt a fly. They were basically defenseless.

Tubbo looked slightly hesitant to accept you as his spying partner, but he figured that you joining him would take most of the stress off from his shoulders. You were close to Schlatt, he basically treated you as if you were his own. He was slightly jealous at how close to his father you were when he, Schlatt’s biological son, was often standing in the same room as them. He knew that Schlatt was a shitty father and could never shape up to being as good of a father figure than Philza was to him, but he just couldn’t help but feel hurt at the fact that his own father, who abandoned him at the side of the road as a kid, so readily took on another kid that wasn’t himself. Despite his resentment towards you, he accepted having you as a partner. Maybe once he got to know you better you weren’t so bad.

On the outside, you were giving your ‘brothers’ a sweet smile. Almost sickeningly sweet as you plastered it on your face to hide the resentment and hatred brewing inside of you threatening to escape and fill this ravine with it’s raging waves. They were never your brothers, always choosing to exclude you from everything they were doing. As a kid, you had nobody to rely on. Tommy had Tubbo and Wilbur had Techno and Philza. You were completely, utterly alone as a kid.

You were always deprived of social interaction, always being told to ‘suck it up’, ‘quit whining’, and ‘just accept it’. You watched from the sidelines as your brothers received all the love and support from each other and Philza, and you were sick of being left out. Their proposal has made you finally reach your breaking point. You came to the realization that you were only going to get their support only when you were of use to them.

Even as adults and as teenagers, they’re always acting like children. Whining over losing power, getting exiled, how ‘tyrannical’ every single government was, like get a grip. You brought this upon yourself. Manberg would be much better off without you two. Just accept leadership, it’s there to bring natural structure to society. This isn’t high school, stop overreacting. Oh, how you longed to scream in their faces, drop the happy, sweet, and defenseless facade you always wore. You were broken down by them, and you were going to be their downfall. You would make sure of it. At least, that’s what Schlatt promised you.

You met Schlatt one day when you were alone in the forest far from the house you called home. It was dark out and you were hiding from the mobs that threatened to take one of your lives. He found you by following your whimpers, taking you back to his house and giving you shelter for a few days. He treated you like you were a person, an actual human being, and that made you realize that you weren’t alone in the world afterall. Philza and your brothers didn’t even notice that you were gone until after a week of staying with Schlatt. You remembered how Philza stormed into Schlatt’s house, grabbed you by the ear, apologized to Schlatt, and drug you home lecturing you the entire time. You were grounded for a month after that and banned from talking to Schlatt.

However, you still talked to Schlatt in secret. He eventually treated you like you were his own, showering you with the love and support that you were deprived of. You supposed you craved constant reassurance and kindness, and you chopped it up to how you were raised. You had trauma and Schlatt was there to fix that. He gave you constant support, something your ‘family’ has never done. Well, they did once when you finally broke and fell into a deep depression, never leaving your room. They didn’t notice that, but what they did notice was the death message that flashed across their comm tablets: “(Y/n) suffocated.”

When they ran to your room, they caught the last of the golden dust that used to be your body drifting into the atmosphere. In the center of your room hanging from an exposed pipe in the ceiling was a noose fashioned from an old rope they had noticed had gone missing a few weeks ago. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that you hung yourself.

For a solid month after that, they treated you like they treated each other and you felt like you were soaring the entire time. Philza even told you that he loved you and that he was proud of you when you ate your first meal in a week! All of the attention and support faded when they saw you smile more and laugh louder. You faded again into obscurity and all that came out of that successful suicide attempt was not your family’s unconditional love like you had hoped, but an ugly scar that wrapped around the entirety of your neck.

You were going to fuck up their plans. They deserved it for ostracizing you all those years.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your and Schlatt’s plan was unfolding swimmingly. Your idiotic brothers had no clue of your betrayal and that always made you want to laugh hysterically, but you held it in until you got back to the White House. You would laugh in Schlatt’s office with him. The cabinet often heard loud, boisterous laughter booming from behind the closed office doors, but they’ve long since learned not to question it.

They grew wary of you two, it seemed that your sanities were turning into slippery slopes. The Emperor and the Secretary of Defense could not be fully trusted to make any decisions anymore. Even Quackity, who loved his adopted kid to death, agreed that they couldn’t be trusted. You and Schlatt had changed so much from when he first started dating Schlatt. It hurt him to see his husband and his child slip into insanity.

While you were planning the festival with Schlatt and Tubbo, it was extremely hard for you to keep a straight face. Whenever Schlatt wasn’t looking, Tubbo would smirk and glance at you from the corner of his eyes. It was in those moments specifically that you would struggle the most with containing your laughter. Originally, Schlatt was only going to exile Tubbo for his treachery, but after the fiasco with the lame excuse of ‘farming totems of undying’, you convinced him to turn it into an execution. You organized every single part of Tubbo’s execution, it was perfect in your opinion. At the same time, you were giving Schlatt information of your brother’s whereabouts during the festival. You were going to put on a show for them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On the stage, you were shifting and fidgeting relentlessly from your position between your adopted dads. From an outside perspective, one would assume that you’re nervous to be on stage in the middle of the spotlight. Everybody outside of the cabinet and your fathers still saw you as the innocent kid that wouldn’t hurt a fly. How wrong they were. Tubbo’s speech was the hardest to sit through, Quackity had to have a tight grip on your hand to prevent you from rushing the teenager and caging him too early.

After Schlatt gave you the signal, you, him, and Quackity quickly trapped him in a cage made of yellow concrete. You could hear the shocked gasps of the audience and saw Wilbur holding Tommy down from revealing their hiding spot. Schlatt gently nudged you up to the microphone with a kind smile.

You walked confidently up to the podium and gave the audience the widest closed-eyed grin they’d ever seen on you. “Hello citizens of Manberg, other guests,” you opened your eyes and shot a smug smirk over to your older brothers on the roof. You took great pleasure in the look of hurt, anger, and betrayal in their eyes.

“What you are going to witness today is my pride and joy. As it turns out, our dearest Tubbo here,” you turned around to give a grandiose gesture at the cage behind you, “is a filthy little traitor.” The last word ripped itself from your mouth like a rattlesnake spitting venom at its victims.

Tubbo banged on the walls in a rage, “you were a spy too! YOU WERE A SPY FOR POGTOPIA TOO!”

“On the contrary, dearest Tubbo. I was a double agent working for Schlatt, my father. I was never loyal to Pogtopia. Why would I be when you all used me?” You gave him a gentle smile. The insane and malicious glint in your eyes contrasted the kindness of your features. You turned back to the podium with that same smile. The combination of your words and your expression sent cold chills down the spines of the Manbergians. They now saw you as who you really were.

“Now, since I was so rudely interrupted,” you shot a glare at the shocked boy behind you, “hm, where was I?” You rubbed your chin in false confusion before you perked up, “oh right! What you are going to witness today is the public execution of our dear friend Tubbo.” You broke into a series of manic giggling, pounding your fist against the wood of the podium. The gasps of the audience sounded like music to your ears.

“TECHNOBLADE, GET THE HELL UP HERE BROTHER! YOU HAVE THE HONORS.”

You shouted through your laughter. Technoblade climbed up the stairs and stood facing you with a harsh glare. You grinned at him as he spoke to you with his usual monotone voice. This time, there was an undeniable angry undertone you could clearly detect, “what do you want me to do?”

“You still have that rocket launcher, right?”

He pulled it out of his satchel. You squealed happily and jumped up and down clapping your hands excitedly, “good! I’ve always liked fireworks. Now be a dear and make Tubbo go out with a bang!”

He walked over to face Tubbo’s cage and pointed the crossbow at him. You could see his finger trembling over the trigger and a nervous sweat gathering at his brow. After a while of seeing no firework action, you grew impatient and started to furiously shout at him.

“WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, BLOOD GOD? WHAT, ARE YOU TOO MUCH OF A PUSSY TO DO IT NOW? KILL HIM! BLAST HIM TO SMITHEREENS! FUCKING DO IT.”

With every word that left your mouth, you stepped closer to him until you were screaming into his ear. You felt immense pleasure when you saw him start to shake. When you heard the shooting of fireworks and the agonized screams of Tubbo and saw the colorful blasts, you felt like you were on cloud nine. It was beautiful.

Your insane laughter was heard over the chaos that followed. Schlatt and Quackity, seeing Techno’s growing anger after killing Tubbo, moved to push you behind them. Quackity wrapped his wings around you in a tight hug before fireworks were shot at your family. After you pushed Quackity away from you, you saw your father’s corpse lying on the stage floor. It was clear that he had just lost a life.

Quackity collapsed to the stage with a groan before he briefly passed out. You checked if he was still breathing before you looked at Technoblade with anger written clear on your features. You gave a furious shout before you charged at him, determined to kill the unkillable.

You dodged the fireworks that he shot at you before you finally reached him. He dodged your flailing arms and the attempts to push him off from the stage with ease. “I SHOULD’VE KNOWN NOT TO TRUST YOU!”

His shout was dismissed by you, not registering in your clouded mind at all. He grabbed your arms and threw you to the edge of the stage. Before you could get up, he stomped a foot down on your chest and pointed the rocket launcher at your face. You were not phased by this, grinning and laughing with insanity-filled glee. “KILL ME TECHNO! DO IT, GO ON! FUCKING DO IT. BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!”

He stared at you with the most anger you’ve ever seen from him before he pushed you off the stage with a simple kick of his foot. As you were plummeting to your death, you saw Technoblade point the rocket launcher at you before you saw the colorful rockets shooting at you. Your laughter ending abruptly with the explosion of fireworks and the thump of your bloodied corpse against the pavement was something the citizens of Manberg would never forget.

Your brothers stared at your corpse as it disappeared with shock and anger. They never suspected you of all people to be a traitor, they thought you were the sweet, naive kid they knew growing up. They thought your allegiance to them would be unbreaking and you’d follow them blindly. Obviously, they were wrong. There was no saving you. You were too far gone.

When you woke up with Schlatt and Quackity holding your hands at your bedside, all of the memories flooded back to you. They held you as you cried in frustration, wiping at your tears with gentle, reassuring smiles and loving words. Rage filled you as you remembered how they got away with their lives. You had one life left, and you were going to dedicate it to their downfall. Even if you died in the process. They should fear the day you return. There was no saving them from your wrath.

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transsexualhamlet · 3 years

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sherlock holmes reactions part 4 (?) ive lost count already but unsurprisingly ive grown even more attached to him

using this as the cover image because i made him a playlist. cause im awful

no legit this is gonna need a read more because it's SO LONG SHIHEWIESHEFSHIEWHF

Had three mental breakdowns this week and realized i do in fact kin sherlock motherfucking holmes. this does not bode well for anything in my life mentally I've diagnosed him with so many things

Oh boy lol you want the list I think hes autistic (undisputed honestly) plus also adhd but on top of that there's the manic depression and uhhh the bpd lmao I dont even think that's it those are just. the obvious ones

But yeah man's a fucking mess and a shit person but in the same way as me so 👍

Some highlights I thought were very funny:

watson: we are in fact going to be waltzing into a place where people are Shooting People you do not have your gun. this is a problem

sherlock: don't worry watson I have my trusty stick!

watson: visible pain

This clearly happens like every day or so with them

but yeah there were some really honestly sweet scenes with them at the apartment and why am i getting soft over the crusty man being gay

have you considered tho. have you considered them

have you considered sherlock, who usually only plays absolute garbage on his violin serenading watson to sleep when he was tired and in pain and watson being so fucking in love with the man and waxing poetic about falling asleep to his music and waking up to see him fallen asleep on the couch next to him and oh my god them

They're just really sweet together for such a completely dysfunctional couple so much of the time lol I just. Sherlock being like.

Sherlock half of the time: watson you're fucking stupid. no i won't take care of my personal needs stfu. watson get a goddamn life. watson shut up. watson no one cares about your goddamn opinion. no i need to disturb you in the middle of the night it's for science. hey watson mind if i manipulate mansplain malewife

Sherlock the other half of the time: HELLO SIR YOU ARE MY FAVORITE MAN TO EVER MAN HELLO MAY I SPEND THE REST OF MY DAYS WITH YOU HELLO I WILL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU WE ARE PERFECT MATCHES I LOVE YOU AND I NEED YOU YOURE SO MUCH BETTER THAN ME PLEASE MARRY ME

They're... they certainly are.

ALSO OH MY GOD.

THIS ONE TIME WHEN SHERLOCK WAS JUST PACING AROUND THE ROOM AT 3 AM GOING "IT DOESNT MAKE SENSE >:(((" AND HUDSON LIKE BARGED IN TO COMPLAIN AND THEN WATSON WAS LIKE DUDE YOU GOTTA STOP DOING THIS AND PROCEEDS TO SAY THE LINE "YOU ARE KNOCKING YOURSELF UP, OLD MAN"

BAHGHSFHGRHEWHEWHIFEW

BRB SOBBING

CALLING HIM AN OLD MAN???? KNOCKING HIMSELF UP?? I DONT KNOW WHATS FUNNIER

The main highlight of this part was I have now gotten to see him have a great time watching his homo homie get married

Its so fucking funny.......

I was prepared for a funny reaction by yuumori sherlock's face when he said it lol but. Damn i was really not prepared tbh

watson: I'm engaged!

sherlock: *pained groaning*

watson: do you... not like her?

sherlock: no she's fine she's great you'll be wonderful together bUT I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE ARE HETEROSEXUAL WATSON DO I HAVE TO MARRY MYSELF THEN WATSON? ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE ME MARRY MYSELF.

watson: yeah... yeah... fair, I feel really bad because you did this whole case and I got a girlfriend out of it and all you got was me leaving you alone fuck man im sorry what are you gonna do without me

sherlock, highly sarcastic: dont worry watson I've always got my handy cocaine! *pulls it out and gets high in front of watson just as he's about to leave*

watson: *in fucking agony*

sherlock: good for you!

I DONT EVEN- THIS SCENE KILLED ME MULTIPLE TIMES OVER WHAT

ITS SO GODDAMN NONCHELANT ABOUT IT SHERLOCK IS JUST LIKE YEAH I WILL IN FACT NOT BE MENTALLY HEALTHY IF YOU ARE NOT WITH ME 24/7 BUT WHATEVER YOU DO YOU /S

I'd like to apologize to watson on sherlock's behalf lmao. man is being a bit too codependent on main

The last thing about sign of four I do need to address is yeah, there's the Horrific Amounts Of Racism in that one and the whiplash hearing it is just ridiculous because they seem to be so knowledgeable in all other areas and fairly... politically correct, taking sherlock's original misogyny as a purposeful character flaw, but then they just mention someone indigenous once and suddenly its all parrotting racist propaganda and just... really awful shit. There's no way I'm gonna speak for the group that just got absolutely hate crimed here but anyone can tell the author just has no clue what he's fucking talking about and it's physically painful.

And I don't know, it's just so bad it seems out of character? Doyle's making these motherfuckers say shit that honestly, Sherlock would know better about. And especially Watson. Come on, you cannot tell me watson is mentally capable of being prejudiced against someone. Please do not make him that way.

I'm not sure how to handle it specifically, or what's the proper way I should handle something like that in a media I otherwise like. Is it ok to say Doyle was clearly a piece of shit on the matter and separate those characters from his bias or is that insensitive?

I don't know, I was Not a fan of it and I'm glad to see they've at least finally shut up about the guy

But anyway yeah, uhhhh onto the short stories because I'm trying to read those before I get to the final problem

Scandal in Bohemia was a fucking ride, first of all, before we even get to Sherlock's girlboss arc we have to discuss how gay the whole situation was and how Doyle's attempt at making them less gay failed spectacularly

Like he's all "ah yes I need to marry off watson and uhhh make sherlock ummmm interact with a woman so they dont look gay" but he does it SO BADLY that it makes them look EVEN GAYER

cause i mean, even the conversation they had about watson getting married back in sign of four was gay af, but how Doyle handled things afterward was in no way straighter.

Cause you know, the man kind of wrote himself into a corner with the fact of Watson narrating these stories. So Watson has to be around to witness them, and to witness Sherlock's own thought process rather privately, so he has to be around sherlock at night, a lot. But trying to come up with a reason for that happening just... it didn't occur to Doyle. He just went. Ah yes this makes sense. And it's Watson just like Sleeping Over At Sherlock's like every other goddamn day and every time his wife leaves town and having them basically still live that cute domestic home life but they have absolutely no excuses for doing it anymore. It's quite funny

Like it was gay already the way they interacted when they officially lived together but it was like, a necessity for them. Now it's not, Watson just comes over because he goddamn wants to, and it's hilarious to me.

LIKE IDK I THINK THEY KIND OF BROKE UP FOR A YEAR OR SO BC OF WATSON GETTING MARRIED AND THEY LIKE DONT HAVE CONTACT WITH ONE ANOTHER BUT ONE DAY WATSON JUST INEXPLICABLY HAS THE URGE TO COME VISIT SHERLOCK ON NO NOTICE AND THEN SUDDENLY THEY ARE TOGETHER NEAR 24/7 AGAIN LIKE BARELY ANYTHING CHANGED AHIEHOEWH

SIT DOWN AND TRY TO TELL ME THOSE ARE NOT HOMOSEXUALS

Watson walks in on no fucking notice after a full year and Sherlock is just. In the middle of some experiment obviously but hes like

Sherlock, carrying around unidenfiable chemical mixtures: W A T S O N you look good you look good! i see you've gained seven pounds!!

watson: uh. thanks??? Hey lol *awkwardly waves* Uh um Wanted to Uhm sEe you

Sherlock: ABOUT gODDAMN TIME AND YES WONDERFUL LOOK LOOK SIT DOWN I HAVE THINGS TO INFODUMP ABOUT

watson: :) ok :) *turns to camera* and we were back to the old days

sherlock: makes a deduction

watson: wowwwwwwwwwwww !! so true bestie !!

sherlock: !!!!!!!!! :))) !!!!! :))) uh fuck im supposed to be smooth Its Elementary Lol

watson: *turns to camera* when i stroke his ego like this and compliment him he blushes like a girl like i just complimented his dress so i do it more because he likes it. this is a homie trait

watson: well i should probably get going! my wife will notice that i am gone my dear buddy bro homie!

sherlock: NO DONT LEAVE IM LOST WITHOUT YOU (pretty much a direct quote lol) your. wife doesn't. get back home until monday. I know this because I am smart and definitely have not been stalking you.

watson: alright :)))))

AND THEN HE FUCKING SLEEPS OVER LMAO FUCKING HOMOS

So yeah they're right back where they were before pretty much and there's a case bc of course there is

And honestly I think this short story specifically was so insane mostly just because of how absolutely fast it all went. Yuumori kind of made me believe the original Irene Adler was more of an important character than she really is? And I think that's. Honestly so funny. Motherfucker shows up for ten pages, girlbosses her way around town, and changes sherlock's entire opinion of the female gender while still keeping him gay?

LIKE NO LOL SHES NOT IN ANY WAY A LOVE INTEREST AND WATSON GOES OUT OF HIS WAY TO SPECIFY THE FACT THAT IN NO WORLD WOULD THEY HAVE BEEN ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED BECAUSE. SHERLOCK. DIDN'T DATE WOMEN.

HE WAS JUST??? SO IMPRESSED AND SHELL SHOCKED BY HER EXISTENCE HE DECIDED IT WAS TIME FOR GIRLBOSS APPRECIATION DAY TODAY AND ALL DAYS HENCEFORTH???

AND THEY HAVE LIKE O N E INTERACTION?? God, the power this woman(?) has. Watson looks at her once like. damb shawty 😳 and she's like "no<3" and he's like FUCK

Like yeah it's pretty much just the king walking up like "help girl the whore is blackmailing me" and sherlock being like "ok lol this will be easy" and then it proceeded to not in fact be easy or even possible

sherlock like... posed as a dead body and tried to get her to give up the location of the photo but she out-acted him and skipped the town the next day after doing the 'good night mr. sherlock holmes' thing with sherlock completely tricked

and she just. sends a letter like "dear sherlock holmes. you're a fucking idiot and i think it's funny that you lost. nice job tho mad respect" and sherlock just SHORT CIRCUITS

the king comes back a bit later like "hey Dude where's my Photo" and sherlock's like oh yeah uhhhhhhhhhhh about that and the king is like HOW COULD IT POSSIBLY HAVE BEEN THAT GODDAMN HARD i would have dated someone more noble if she wasn't so pretty i swear im on a whole different level from her

and then. GIRLBOSSIFIED SHERLOCK HOLMES RESPONDS "from what I have seen of the lady, she seems indeed to be on a very different level from your majesty" ABSEHHESHEFHHFES ROASTED

and the dude just LEAVES

After that I read a few more of the short stories and well the highlights I got from that pretty much were these conversations

Watson: sherlock. honey. have you. eaten anything today

Sherlock: IT DIDNT OCCUR TO ME DEAR WATSON

Watson: ITS FIVE PM

and:

Sherlock: *having one of his Moment Moments at three in the goddamn mornig* GRRRR CRIME ISNT WHAT IT USED TO BE

Watson: MY DEAR SHERCOCK WHAT IS CRIME S U P P O S E D TO BE LIKE ACCORDING TO YOU

Sherlock: no one's original anymore fucking copycats

Watson: so you want the criminals to make things harder for you specifically.

Sherlock, exasperated: yes!

I love them your honor.

#rowan's hyperfixation essays #rowan screams into the void #rowan views moriarty #sherlock holmes

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lovejustforaday · 3 years

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Album Review - Citrus by Asobi Seksu

Citrus - Asobi Seksu

Main Genres: Shoegaze, Dream Pop, Indie Pop

A decent sampling of: Twee Pop, Neo-Psychedelia, Noise Pop

In the conversation of greatest shoegaze and dream pop bands of all time, you usually hear a lot of the same names: My Bloody Valentine, Cocteau Twins, Ride, Slowdive, Beach House, or maybe even Mazzy Star. But one name that doesn’t get mentioned nearly as often as it should is Asobi Seksu.

Asobi Seksu were an American indie rock band consisting of songwriting duo Yuki Chikudate on vocals and keyboards, and James Hanna as lead guitarist, with a rotating rhythm section that changed from LP to LP. Critics never really gave them a fair chance, but to me they are the finest band to lead the wave of “nu-gaze” that took place over the mid-to-late 2000s.

While a lot of new shoegaze bands today are made up of younger millennials and zoomers who are very traditionalist in recreating the sounds of the original scene, the 2000s “nu-gaze” “““revival””” saw a lot of bands who wanted to expand the genre’s scope. “Nu-Gaze” bands usually fell into one of two cluster groups:

Cluster A was made up of bands incorporating prominent electronic elements to expand on the soundscapes of the original scene. Cluster B bands were making riff-heavy alternative rock that blended shoegaze guitar tones and walls of sound with clearer vocals and more distinct melodic structures, building more on the foundations of bands like Ride or Lush than the likes of MBV.

Asobi Seksu’s self-titled debut falls into the latter category, with a college-radio-esque record of mostly no-nonsense shoegaze and indie pop. It’s a pretty great record itself, but it wasn’t exactly career defining, and if it had ended there, I would say they were another above-average shoegaze band that I listen to mostly just cause they happen to make my favourite subgenre of music.

Something truly brilliant came after though. The band decided to embrace the more immersive dream pop + heavy shoegaze hybrid sound that defined most of the greatest bands of the original movement. But beyond that, the band retained their indie pop melodies and developed a vivacious, sanguine, high-energy formula that set them apart from a scene that had always mostly been defined by subtlety, introspection, and bittersweetness. The resulting album was Citrus.

True to its name, Citrus is a viscous smoothie concoction of saccharine and tangy flavours, expressed in the form of Yuki Chikudate’s frolicking vocal melodies and bright keyboard notes mixed with James Hanna’s roaring walls of sound. True to its cover art, the sonic colours of this record consist of vibrant shades of vermilion, tangerine, and daffodil. This LP is the sonic equivalent of the feeling you get from that first refreshing taste of ice cream on a hot summer’s day. A magnificently vivid experience all around.

A lot of shoegaze bands stick to very strict conventional rock instrumentation - drumkit, bass, and lots of guitars. Maybe an added string section on a song here or there for dramatic effect. But on Citrus, I hear not only the addition of Yuki’s keyboard leads, but also organs, xylophones, sleigh bells, and even toy pianos.

Citrus fades into view with “Everything Is On”, a 17 second ambient intro that sounds something like an arcade submerged in a swimming pool. Normally, I’m not particularly drawn to the trend of albums opening with these odd micro-tracks. This one instance really works however, because it contrasts ever so nicely with the bright, jangly opening guitars of “Strawberries“, the album’s proper introduction.

Speaking of, “Strawberries” is the sound of summer in full bloom, with a splendid pseudo-call-and-response riff that bounces like a yo-yo in between several intermissions of crushed shoegaze drone that feel not unlike dunking your head in a bucket of ice water. I love hearing what sounds like a rotary organ buried deep into the mix of those intermissions. The track ends brilliantly with a major tempo and rhythm shift into a rampant breakdown of manic rock instruments and festive celebration.

“Thursday” is the single greatest song of the 2000s “nu-gaze” revival, and indeed one of the very greatest indie rock songs of all time. A brief ghostly prelude foreshadows a blurry four minute burst of love and ecstasy, with one of the most pleasing choruses I’ve ever heard where Yuki offers the kindest words of concern “it seems you’ve lost your way, you’ve let it all fall apart”. This is the feeling of waking up at the end of a depressive episode and crying tears of joy as you gaze up at the sunny sky and realize that you're happy just to be alive. By the end of "Thursday”, I am completely smitten with the very notion of life itself.

The gentle strums of “Strings” open up into a sun-soaked daydream. Like on several other tracks here, Yuki uses English and Japanese interchangeably, allowing the sounds of her syllables to convey the necessary emotional imagery to non-bilingual listeners as she practically skips and hops her way through the song in an impressive display of vocal gymnastics. The wall of sound orchestrated at the end of this track is one of my all time favourites in the history of shoegaze and noise pop, like an enormous heatwave that hits you all at once.

The glorious midpoint and climax of Citrus is the seven and a half minute wonder “Red Sea”, a vision of a world that lies beyond the horizon while surfing the waves of a vast and foamy ocean. This track reaches monumental heights that I find particularly hard to put into words. What I will say is that this is second place to “Thursday” only by a small fraction, and it contains around the three minute mark one of the most captivatingly nostalgic melodies I’ve ever heard.

“Goodbye” is the sole occasion of a mostly straightforward indie pop song on this record, and its one of the sweetest breakup songs you’ll probably ever hear. “Lions and Tigers” is a distant meadow of dream pop that makes me feel like I’m a kid and I’m hugging my friend one last time before they move to another city. “Nefi + Girly” is like a follow-up to “Strawberries”, with another playful lead guitar riff and a dreamy keyboard lead that sounds like its splattering an empty canvas of indie rock with lively paint colours.

“Exotic Animal Parade” slows the record down for a brief melancholy ballad before exploding in a dream like it never even existed. “Mizu Asobi” emerges from the aftermath to finish off the record with one last beam of radiant joy before the festivities end with a bang.

As a footnote, I would like to add that, although they never count towards my final rating of a record, the bonus tracks/b-sides/etc. from the Citrus era are some of the best deep cuts ever released. Likewise, here’s some quick thoughts on those:

The band recorded two covers of two mid-20th century classics during this album cycle, including a twinkling, wistful haze rendition of Frank Sinatra’s “All Through The Day” as well as a giddy, fleeting noise pop cover of The Crystal’s “Then He Kissed Me”. Both are excellent examples of how to expand on their respective originals, reviving vintage pop classics with gorgeous soundscapes. There’s also the stand alone single “Stay Awake”, a sweeping end-of-chapter moment with some of the most excellent indie rock dynamics I’ve ever heard.

Like most people these days, Loveless was my first shoegaze record and my formal introduction to one of indie rock’s most elusive subgenres. It was good enough at the time to make me listen to a few more shoegaze bands, but Citrus was the record that made me fall in love with the genre medium. It was Citrus that allowed me to go back and fully appreciate Loveless as the masterpiece that it is, and later fall in love with other brilliant shoegaze records like Souvlaki and Ceres & Calypso In The Deep Time.

This album was also the unofficial soundtrack to most of my time as an undergrad. It played on my bus rides into the city and during walks around campus downtown on those last few days of exams before the summer. It helped me more than any other record to get through the worst year of mental health in my life. I am endlessly fond of this beautiful work of art, and I am truly grateful for how Asobi Seksu managed to expand my horizons. This will forever be one of my favourite records. Happy 15th anniversary Citrus.

10/10

highlights: “Thursday”, “Red Sea”, “Strawberries”, “Lions and Tigers”, “Strings”, “Goodbye”, “Nefi + Girly”, “Mizu Asobi”, “New Years”, “Everything Is On”, “Exotic Animal Parade”

#Asobi Seksu #Citrus #Shoegaze #Dream Pop #Indie Pop #Indie Rock #best music #best albums #favourite albums #favourite music #2006 #Yuki Chikudate #James Hanna #album review #music review #anniversary #summer

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theliterateape · 3 years

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A Look at Today’s Approach to Mental Health through the Mind of Hollywood’s Most Convoluted Antihero

By Brett Dworski

About forty-six minutes into Martin Scorsese’s 1976 neo noir thriller, Taxi Driver, Travis Bickle asks his fellow cabbie, Wizard, if he can talk to him about something. Standing outside a diner on break during their usual graveyard shifts, Travis tenses up, hesitant to speak his mind. But then the camera zooms in on Travis, and he vents.

“I just want to go out and really, really do something.” ”Taxi life, you mean?” “No… I don’t know. I just want to go out… I really… I’ve got some bad ideas in my head.”

Even after forty-five years since its release, Taxi Driver remains one of the most ambiguous films of our time. Some believe it’s a gritty, optimistic story of a bum-turned-hero, while others see a volatile loner whose dark urges get the best of him—a ticking time bomb of sorts. Both make sense, with this moment between Travis and Wizard bridging the two. But all opinions aside, there’s an undeniable certainty to Taxi Driver: That Travis—a Vietnam War veteran—is very troubled, and whether his intentions are good or bad, he takes a manic turn, resulting in one of Hollywood’s most convoluted antihero stories. While some of his actions are concrete, most require abstract interpretation, leaving questions that have plagued us for nearly five decades: What does Travis’s journey mean, and what is Scorsese trying to tell us through it?

Set in a decaying and corrupt post-Vietnam New York City, Travis—played by a stunningly grim Robert De Niro—dreams of ridding the city of the filth and perversion he witnesses during his overnight shifts as a cabbie. The more Travis drives, the more he questions his purpose in life and grows deranged, ultimately leading down a path of violence, hatred, and even redemption. De Niro went all out to prepare for the role of Travis: Besides getting a taxi license and driving the streets of New York City in his spare time, he lost thirty-five pounds and listened repeatedly to a taped reading of the diaries of Arthur Bremer, the man who attempted to assassinate U.S. presidential candidate George Wallace in 1972.

Upon meeting the lonely and depressed Travis, we feel sorry for him. But the more people he encounters, the more he becomes detached from reality, and his actions leave us questioning his morals—as well as what’s real and what’s not.

It all starts with Betsy (Cybill Shepherd), a beautiful campaign volunteer for presidential candidate Charles Palantine. After watching Betsy from afar, Travis musters the courage to ask her out. Betsy thinks he’s weird, but she’s into it. They set a date. Earlier in the film, Travis frequents a pornographic movie theater—whether out of sexual thrill or a longing for something deeper is up to us to decide—and he takes Betsy there. Unsurprisingly, she leaves in disgust. This is Scorsese’s first test for viewers: Did Travis really lack the judgement in taking Betsy to a porno on their first date, or was it all a maddening trick? Is he a perverted freak despite loathing the sexual activity he sees in the streets, or is he simply ignorant?

Creating empathy for antiheros is a constant challenge for filmmakers, but when Travis calls Betsy to apologize, Scorsese masters it.

“Would you like to have dinner with me in the next few days or something? … Well how about just a cup of coffee? … Did you get my flowers in the ...? I sent some flowers … Can I call you again? Tomorrow or the next day?”

At first, we’re drawn to De Niro’s masterful, cringey acting. We see and feel Travis’s angst and pain. But while he’s talking, the camera shifts right and pauses in an empty hallway—a tracking shot that speaks a thousand words: That in this moment, Travis’s life is too agonizing to watch. Later, Travis storms into Betsy’s workplace and berates her in front of her colleagues, saying she’s going to hell and is "just like the others.” But who is he referring to?

Another woman who attracts Travis’s attention is Iris (Jodie Foster), a child prostitute. But unlike with Betsy, Travis views himself as a fatherly figure to the 12-year-old, as he constantly dreams of rescuing her from exploitation. He tells Iris to leave New York and find her family, to be a kid again. It’s here that we even start rooting for Travis, if only briefly. He tells her he may be going away for a bit, hinting that he’s planning something—a “bad idea” of sorts. While Iris entertains the idea, she’s later convinced to stay by her manipulative pimp, Sport, in what is by far the most sickening moment of the film.

Needing to do something powerful, Travis goes full throttle: He buys some guns, shaves his head into a mohawk, and unsuccessfully attempts to assassinate Palantine at a rally. In his eyes, he’s doing a societal service—becoming the force needed to clean New York’s filth and corruption—but has gone insane while doing so. Travis’s journey reaches its apex when he ventures to Iris’s brothel and murders Sport, Iris’s client, and the bouncer.

The ending is especially ambivalent. Despite murdering three people in cold blood, Travis is deemed a hero. Newspaper clippings of his courageousness are hung around his apartment, as is a letter from Iris’s parents thanking him for saving their daughter. When he’s back on the job, Travis picks up a passenger, Betsy, who acknowledges his heroics. In this moment, everything is perfect. Travis has gotten the girl of his dreams, and he’s allowed another to achieve dreams of her own. He’s won. But here’s where Scorsese really screws with us: Upon dropping Betsy off, Travis adjusts his rearview mirror and does a double-take as if he’s seen something alarming, just as a piercing sound hits our ears. We see Travis’s attentive eyes through the windshield before the credits roll to the streetlights.

This is Scorsese’s final test: Was Travis really the hero, or was it all a figment of his imagination?

The great Roger Ebert once said that despite their flaws, Scorsese’s characters “want to be forgiven and admired.” This is surely true of Travis Bickle, and his psychotic twist and apparent redemption represents his greater struggle to relate to the world and find inner peace. Whether or not Travis becoming a hero and regaining the admiration of Betsy is reality or fantasy, the final shot indicates he’s running on a hamster wheel, always one moment away from another maniacal tailspin.

In his confinement to Wizard, Travis confesses his emotional struggle for the first and only time of the film, but Wizard provides no support, instead telling him to “go get laid.” Travis opened up and wasn’t taken seriously. In 2021, an era where mental health is more discussed and normalized than ever before, Travis is an extreme and somber expression of what can happen to people who need help but never receive it.

#Travis opened up and wasn’t taken seriously. In 2021 an era where mental health is more discussed and normalized than ever before Travis is #Taxi Driver #Robert De Niro #Martin Scorsese #Jodie Foster #Mental Health #Mental Illness #heroic

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aion-rsa · 3 years

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Bo Burnham: Inside Songs Ranked from Worst to Best

https://ift.tt/2JMbiJl

The musical of the summer was supposed to be a life-affirming celebration of one of New York’s most vibrant neighborhoods, full of color, romance, and big group dance numbers. Instead for many viewers, the musical of the moment was filmed and performed by one man, alone in isolation from the comfort (or discomfort, really) of his own home, with songs centered on techno paranoia, mental health, and the fear of aging. Maybe after a year stuck in their homes, audiences could relate to the existential dread and general anxiety on display in Bo Burnham: Inside more than a conventional movie musical.

Billed as a stand-up special, Burnham’s latest musical comedy endeavor finds the former wunderkind holed up and feeling more uncomfortable than ever. Writing, editing, directing, and performing from a claustrophobic studio, Burnham’s stand-up special skews more toward being a straight-up musical, and not because the special is light on jokes and missing an audience. Rather this has all the hallmarks of a musical narrative and plays closer to experimental cinema than sketch comedy.

Burnham expresses his characters’ inner-thoughts, fears, and desires via song throughout a contained narrative, in this case the narrative being one man trying to occupy himself during a pandemic. It has ballads, charm songs, comedy numbers, “I Am” and “I Want” songs, and a big reprise. By capturing his personal pandemic experience and putting the whole affair to song, Burnham has created one of the most compelling (and catchy!) accounts of life during 2020.

To celebrate the musical that we all needed after a year in our homes, we’ve decided to rank every song from Bo Burnham: Inside. You can stream along via the Inside (The Songs) album on the streaming platform of your choice.

20. I Don’t Wanna Know

Merely an interlude, “I Don’t Wanna Know” doesn’t quite work outside of watching the special itself. However, it is a clever way to address the fact that modern audiences do not have the attention span to sit through a film at home without checking their phone or complaining about a runtime.

19. Bezos II

While certainly meant to poke fun at the real-life Lex Luthor, it’s not that fun to listen to Bezos’ name repeated. Stil, Burnham does elicit a few laughs with his over-the-top mock congratulations. “You did it!”

18. Any Day Now

A Sesame Street-like mantra that plays over the credits, “Any Day Now” suggests this could all end either hopefully soon or on a depressingly vague far-off date that will never come. We’d like to think it’s the former, but it’s safe to assume what Bo thinks.

17. All Time Low

While this number gets docked points for its short runtime, it absolutely packs a punch with its four-line, single verse. After Bo admits that his mental health is rapidly deteriorating, he describes what it’s like to have a panic attack set to a chipper ‘80s dance backbeat. Unfortunately, we don’t get to ride the wave long enough, and judging lyrics, that’s probably a good thing for Bo.

16. Content

This strong opening number musically sets the vibe for Inside, letting us know that we’re in for some synth-heavy throwback beats that would be best listened to underneath a disco ball. Also incorporating silly backing vocals, a hallmark of many of Inside’s best tracks, Burnham declares he’s back with some sweet, sweet content. “Daddy made you your favorite,” he sings, and he ain’t wrong.

15. Bezos I

Unlike the reprise in “Bezos II,” “Bezos I” gets by off its increasingly deranged energy, with Burnham roasting fellow tech billionaires and working himself up into a manic frenzy by song’s end. Musically, it sounds like the soundtrack to an intense boss battle on a Sega Genesis game before ending with a sick little synth solo and Burnham hilarious squawking. It’s arguably the only acceptable thing that Bezos has ever been associated with.

14. Unpaid Intern

While “Unpaid Intern” is one of Inside’s shortest tracks, it absolutely makes the most of its time. The jazzy tune scorches the exploitative nature of unpaid internships before Burnham breaks out into a laugh-out-loud worthy scat routine. It unfortunately ends too soon.

13. Shit

Inside’s funkiest jam sounds like Burnham wrote the lyrics for a new Janelle Moane album cut. Bo show’s off his vocal dexterity and plumbs the depths of his depression in a surprisingly danceable fashion. Throwing in a little faux crowd interaction helps bring home the fact that we have all felt like this at one point or another during the pandemic.

12. Sexting

This slow-jam details the complications of sexting, throwing out hilariously too-true punchlines like “the flash makes my dick look frightened.” “Sexting” feels like one of a few songs that could most easily appear on previous Burnham specials. Proving that Inside’s musical textures do not come exclusively from ’80s synth pop, the outro of the song expertly mirrors modern pop trends by throwing in some trap-influenced “yahs” at the end of Bo’s lines.

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11. How the World Works

Influenced by comedian Hans Teeuwen and children’s entertainment in general, “How the World Works” finds Burnham going back to the well by playing the ignorant, smarmy white guy who is oblivious of the real issues plaguing nonwhite Americans. What’s even better though is Socko calling Burnham out on forcing others to educate him for his own self-actualization instead of doing the work on his own for the betterment of others.

Socko pointedly asks “Why do you rich f—— white people insist on seeing every socio-political conflict through the myopic lens of your own self-actualization?” Not to keep things too heavy, the song ends with an absurdist bit where Burnham returns Socko to the nether place that he goes when he’s not attached to Burnham’s hand. Scathing and bizarre, it’s a great piece of social commentary.

10. FaceTime With My Mom

While most of the music of Inside feels directly transported from the 1980s, “FaceTime With My Mom” seems only inspired by the past decade’s musical trends, updating the sounds in much of the same way that the Weeknd and Dua Lipa have. This is Bo Burnham as a hitmaker, and his attempt is convincing. “FaceTime With My Mom” earns easy laughs by getting to the seemingly specific, yet universal things that all our moms do over video chat.

9. Goodbye

Every good musical needs a good closing track, and Burnham nails it with “Goodbye,” pulling off a reprise that weaves in many of the special’s signature musical moments and touches on the special’s core themes. A forlorn piano ballad before it soars through Inside’s best motifs, “Goodbye” caps a triumphant musical achievement, coming back to “Look Who’s Inside Again” just to punch you in the gut one last time.

8. Problematic

Addressing his past work and some aspects that have not aged well, while also skewering celebrity apologies, “Problematic” is self-aware critique by way of an ‘80s workout bop. From the specific Aladdin confession to the overall apology for being “vaguely shitty,” Bo has never made accountability sound so good.

7. That Funny Feeling

This is Bo Burnham’s version of Father John Misty’s “Holy Shit,” a laundry list of all the stupid things that are signaling the fall of culture and civilization as we know it. If Misty hadn’t gotten there first, we may have had this one ranked higher. Still, Burnham manages to come up with a sticky chorus that you’ll be humming the next time something makes you feel like you’re living in the uncanny valley.

6. White Woman’s Instagram

Perhaps the special’s most playful moment, “White Woman’s Instagram” uses the musical cues of an inspiring empowerment anthem to poke fun at the predictably, perfectly curated feed of a “girl boss” Instagram. The song is greatly enhanced by the accompanying visuals, which find Bo recreating the meticulously staged and glamorous portraits that women pass off as their everyday lives.

However, Bo always likes to sneak in some sentimentality, and imagines a genuinely heartfelt post to his white woman character’s deceased mother. Don’t worry, the emotional moment doesn’t overstay its welcome, and we’re soon back to laughing at horribly derivative political street art.

5. All Eyes on Me

The droning synth and pitch-down vocals make “All Eyes On Me” oddly hypnotic and beautiful. The song seems to be addressing Bo’s depression along with his need for validation and attention, a juxtaposition that many performers deal with. It becomes clear that Burnham isn’t addressing an invisible audience, but himself, trying to will himself up and out of his dreary mental state.

4. Look Who’s Inside Again

A classic “I Am” musical song, “Look Who’s Inside Again” just may be Inside’s most emotionally resonant track that seems to hit closest to who Bo Burnham was and who he is today. This is the song that I will most likely regret the most for ranking so low.

“Well, well, look who’s inside again. Went out to look for a reason to hide again,” perfectly describes the cycle of depression and will, for me, be the special’s most lasting moment. The downbeat ending “come out with your hands up, we’ve got you surrounded” is heartbreaking enough to send a shudder down your spine.

3. Comedy

The special’s real first number is absolutely packed with hooks, from the “Call me and I’ll tell you a joke” bridge to the “Should I be joking at a time like this?” change-up. This is Bo really flexing how far he’s come as a musician, expertly utilizing autotune and a key change (us “stupid motherf***ers” can’t resist them).

“Comedy” also finds Bo comfortably in the lane that we’re most used to seeing him in, playing the egomaniacal white messiah with a wink. “Comedy” is the tone-setter and it’s so good that it lets you know that you’re in good hands for the next hour plus.

2. 30

Either I’m ranking this song too highly due to its personally relatable nature or the fact that I haven’t been able to get “All my stupid friends are having stupid children” out of my head, but I really don’t care. “30” is Inside’s biggest earworm and addresses the existential terror that comes with no longer getting pats on the back for being a young wunderkind.

“30” also examines generational differences, showing how 30 year-old people are more infantile than ever. However, at the end of the day it all comes back to those shimmering keys and that irresistible refrain. Apologies to my friends with children.

1. Welcome to the Internet

No matter how deep and emotionally rich some of Inside’s other tracks may be, “Welcome to the Internet” is the one that will live on the longest. If this were a traditional musical, this would the antagonists’ showstopper; a vaudevillian romp through the alluring chaos that is the internet. Speeding up and slowing down the pace to mirror the manic, addictive nature of surfing the net, Burnham pitches the negative aspects of online culture as they are: a feature, not a bug. Promising “a little bit of everything all of the time,” “Welcome to the Internet” is almost as enticing as the dark tool itself.

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ayatosmlktea · 4 years

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I saw your post about Crazy Levi can I make a request on when reader and Levi has been dating for more than 3 years but one day they get into a horrible car crash and Levi smashed his head making him bipolar and reader did everything in their power to help him but nothing was working and he had to go to a mental hospital. Angst plz 😂😓

TW: Self-Harm, Mentions of Suicide, Depression, Mania, Bipolar disorder. Please read at your own risk.

𝑵𝒐 𝑯𝒂𝒑𝒑𝒚 𝑬𝒏𝒅𝒊𝒏𝒈

The accident had changed their lives completely, it just had to happen on one of their worst days. They had been so busy yelling at each other, fighting over something that was now so stupid and insignificant that Y/N hadn’t been focused enough to avoid the oncoming collision due to another driver running a red light. The crash hadn’t really been her fault, but her attention had been so focused on proving Levi wrong that she felt like everything that happened after was because of her petty tantrum. It was the universe’s way of saying that her habit of fighting over nothing was going to come back around to wreak havoc and destruction in its wake.

Y/N had managed to walk away with a minor concussion and a few broken bones but Levi had been less lucky. It had been three weeks since their accident and he still hadn’t woken up. She had cried until all that her body could do was feel like it was collapsing in on itself. Her eyes were constantly bloodshot and to anyone she might have seemed high, but she was preparing for the day the doctors would tell her that Levi would never walk up again. She never left his bedside unless absolutely necessary and even then the nurses would have to drag her out of his room.

“I’ve never prayed in my life and I must seem like the biggest hypocrite ever but if there’s anyone up there listening…please just give him back to me. I swear I’ll never start stupid arguments again just let him wake up” She had lost count of how many nights she’d spent pleading to whatever omnipotent being was listening to her desperate cries for help. All she wanted was to see his beautiful stormy eyes open again so she could apologize and beg for his forgiveness.

Her prayers were answered shortly after, it was a miracle! That’s what the doctors had said, and Y/N would take it. Whatever conditions were attached to him waking up didn’t matter, Levi was finally back.

“There’s been significant damage to his frontal lobe. You might start noticing some changes in his personality, if it gets to a point where he becomes a danger to himself or you give this number a call.” Levi’s primary doctor handed her a small black business card. Sina Institute for Mental Health. The words settled in her stomach uncomfortably. She really wanted to believe that Levi wouldn’t change, maybe with time he’d recover from the trauma. Maybe the doctors were over-exaggerating, Levi was resilient he’d pull through!

____________________________________________

“Welcome home Y/N! I missed you so much, you’re not going to leave me are you?” The sing-songy voice that greeted her as she walked through the front door didn’t make her feel welcome at all. Levi’s recovery was going worse than she had ever expected. The man living with her was not someone she recognized at all anymore. She never knew which Levi she was going to come home to and it was starting to make her feel anxious as soon as she started her trek home. On top of their already pricy rent and other costs their expenses had quickly skyrocketed due to their medical bills and Levi’s medication. Levi was on sick leave from his job, still not at a satisfactory level of physical or mental well being to return to work fulltime meaning that Y/N was shouldering the majority of their bills.

“I’m not going to leave you, you know I’m doing overtime at work. I called you earlier to let you know I’d be home late.” Putting her bag on the counter she walked over to the fridge to pour herself a giant glass of wine.

“I was thinking that our place could use some new furniture don’t you think? So I ordered a bunch of stuff online! Isn’t that great?” Y/N had to fight the urge to vomit while her fingers gripped the neck of her glass tighter. The stress of having to juggle all of their bills was already stressing her out to the point of not being able to sleep at night and now Levi’s habit of impulsively maxing out their credit cards was becoming too much.

“Levi we talked about this, you’re not supposed to use the credit cards unless it’s an emergency” Y/N couldn’t hold back the long sigh that left her lips, everything was just becoming so pointless.

“I know but I was cleaning before and it just didn’t feel right.”

“What didn’t feel right?” She asks not really wanting to know the answer.

“I don’t know! I just feel like something big is going to happen soon and we need to clean this dump up” His cheerful words clawed at her gut, Levi was never one to spend money recklessly. While she wasn’t as much of a neat freak as he was; she still tried her best to keep their shared space as clean as possible knowing that his mania was easily triggered by the slightest mess.

“Did you take your medication today?”

“I don’t need them! I feel better, honestly!” Her eyes began to burn with tears of helplessness. She had thought she could help him work through the mess his head was in. Researching for hours on the internet for ways to make it easier on adjusting him to being on his own without throwing himself into a depressive fit.

She’d anonymously called the number the doctor had given her asking for possible diagnosis based on the symptoms Levi displayed within the past three months. While they weren’t able to give her an accurate diagnosis without actually talking to Levi they’d been fairly sure his symptoms were similar to that of Bipolar disorder.

Y/N didn’t want to accept it at first, the Levi she had fallen in love with was stubborn and strong-willed. If anything, he was the one who had held her together. He was always rational and now the tables had been turned, Levi was not Levi. His manic episodes made him jittery and impulsive. His depressive episodes had her on edge constantly, normally she could talk him down from doing something irreversible but it seemed like their luck had finally run out.

____________________________________________

Y/N had come home later than she had intended, it was well past midnight and she knew Levi was going to be up waiting for her to come back. She had tried calling his phone but he wasn’t picking up. She bit her lip nervously, it was never a good thing when he didn’t answer his phone. Her hands were shaking with anxiety when she unlocked the door. The apartment was dark and quiet yet something lurking in the darkness was screaming at her to turn away and walk away. Flicking the lights on the sight of drops of blood trailing from the kitchen into the hallway had the hairs on the back of her neck standing.

“Levi!” She called out not bothering to remove her shoes as she followed the trail leading to their bedroom. Holding her breath she pushed open the door that was already ajar. Levi sat on the edge of their bed, his face covered with his hands and his shoulders trembling slightly.

“Levi?” Cautiously she approached him, her fight or flight response ringing like a siren in her ear to get out. His head shot up at the sound of her frightened voice, eyes red and wet with tears.

“You promised!” His tone was accusing and all too loud for her to feel remotely safe.

“I’m really sorry! I didn’t mean to get home so late! Did you hurt yourself?” Trying to stay calm enough to let him allow her to get close to him was proving to be more difficult as each second ticked by.

“I don’t want to live if you’re going to leave me! Tell me you aren’t going to leave me!” The crimson stains on his shirt and their bedsheets had Y/N on the verge of a panic attack. She couldn’t help him on her own anymore.

“I’m not going to leave you. Please let me help you, you’re bleeding everywhere!” Hysteria was creeping into her throat, every minute that she watched the shell of the man she used to know made her heart pound uncomfortably in her chest.

“I don’t need your help! I don’t need anyone’s help! You think I don’t see the way you look at me? Like I’m some kind of monster? Like a fucking freak!” Tears streamed down her cheeks as he began screaming at her.

“I don’t think you’re a monster” she choked out in between sobs trying to catch her breath. Her hands reached out to him hoping that physical affection would help calm him down. Instead Levi violently shoved her out of his way to lock himself in the bathroom.

“Levi let me help you please!” She shouted banging her fists against the door uncaring of how loud she was being. Her head started to feel light headed as she began to hyperventilate. Through blurry eyes and with shaking fingers she called for an ambulance.

____________________________________________

Levi had screamed that he hated her several times that night before the paramedics had given him a sedative. His voice infiltrated her dreams, every night she’d wake up to the image of his blood on her hands. It had been a few weeks since she’d admitted him to the psych ward, as much as she loved him she couldn’t bring herself to face him. Y/N was consumed by guilt, she’d sit in her car for hours outside the institute before going back home. There wasn’t anything she could say that would make up for her failed attempts at helping him. She had promised Levi that she wouldn’t leave him but it seemed like sometimes promises had to be broken.

Masterlist

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cinemavariety · 4 years

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The Director’s Series: Paul Thomas Anderson

The director series will consist of me concentrating on the filmography of all my favorite directors. I will rank each of their films according to my personal taste. I hope this project will provide everyone with quality recommendations and insight into films that they might not have known about. Today’s director in spotlight is Paul Thomas Anderson

#8 - Hard Eight (1998) Runtime: 1 hr 42 min Aspect Ratio: 2.39 : 1 Film Format: 35mm

John has lost all his money. He sits outside a diner in the desert when Sydney happens along, buys him coffee, then takes him to Reno and shows him how to get a free room without losing much money. Under Sydney's fatherly tutelage, John becomes a successful small-time professional gambler, and all is well, until he falls for Clementine, a cocktail waitress and sometimes hooker.

Verdict: One of the most impressive feature film debuts ever blessed to American cinema. Paul Thomas Anderson was only 25 years old when he broke into the scene and directed this (almost three years younger than me now, how depressing). While it is consistently thrilling and entertaining, Hard Eight oftentimes wears its influences on its sleeve too much. You can see how much inspiration Paul got from Tarantino with this film and it’s one of the 90s best independent movies. The star studded cast doesn’t hurt either.

#7 - Phantom Thread (2017) Runtime: 2 hr 10 min Aspect Ratio: 1.85 : 1 Film Format: 35mm

Renowned British dressmaker Reynolds Woodcock comes across Alma, a young, strong-willed woman, who soon becomes a fixture in his life as his muse and lover. Verdict: It’s safe to say that Phantom Thread is PTA’s most lavish and decadent film. It feels like a piece of ancient Hollywood golden-era cinema brought back to life. Johnny Greenwood’s orchestral score is the best sound work he’s ever done, it sweeps you off your feet when it goes along with Anderson’s signature arresting imagery. I’m in the minority who places this near the bottom of Anderson’s filmography, simply because Daniel Day Lewis’s character is so insufferable that it was hard for me to empathize in many ways. It still manages to be one of the most beautiful pieces of modern cinema.

#6 - Inherent Vice (2014) Runtime: 2 hr 28 min Aspect Ratio: 1.85 : 1 Film Format: 35mm

In Los Angeles at the turn of the 1970s, drug-fueled detective Larry “Doc” Sportello investigates the disappearance of an ex-girlfriend.

Verdict: Inherent Vice is Paul Thomas Anderson’s most underrated gem. I’ll admit, when I first saw this film, I didn’t really dig it that much and immediately cast it aside as his weakest effort. However, after some maturity, a few more viewings, and also not 100% adoring Phantom Thread, I have developed an immense appreciation for this nonsensical Thomas Pynchon adaptation. Pynchon as a writer is known as being basically unadaptable, but PTA revels in the absurdity of the film’s labyrinth of a plot. It also brings PTA back to his former glory days of ensemble casts and stoner drug fueled mayhem.

#5 - Punch-Drunk Love (2002) Runtime: 1 hr 35 min Aspect Ratio: 2.39 : 1 Film Format: 35mm

A psychologically troubled novelty supplier is nudged towards a romance with an English woman, all the while being extorted by a phone-sex line run by a crooked mattress salesman, and purchasing stunning amounts of pudding.

Verdict: Punch-Drunk Love plays out like a symphony of color, texture, and absolutely off-putting social interactions. I understand that Adam Sandler had his comeback last year with Uncut Gems, but this film is actually without a doubt the best performance he’s ever pulled off. And I credit that largely in part to the brilliance of Paul who was working behind him. It’s what I would say one of the most unconventional romantic comedies of all time. It’s nerve wracking, a little sad, super awkward - but also somehow manages to be endearing as well. The percussion heavy score brings manic energy to the whole film. Punch-Drunk Love is also a powerful statement on loneliness, unchecked mental illness, and the power of human connection.

#4 - Boogie Nights (1997) Runtime: 2 hr 35 min Aspect Ratio: 2.39 : 1 & 1.66 : 1 Film Format: 35mm

Adult film director Jack Horner is always on the lookout for new talent and it's only by chance that he meets Eddie Adams who is working as a busboy in a restaurant. Eddie is young, good looking and plenty of libido to spare. Using the screen name Dirk Diggler, he quickly rises to the top of his industry winning awards year after year. Drugs and ego however come between Dirk and those around him and he soon finds that fame is fleeting.

Verdict: How this film possibly came from a director who is my age now is almost hard to believe. Boogie Nights is one of the quintessential 90s films. It has one of PTA’s best ensemble casts. Anderson’s sophomore effort was a result of the auteur finding his footing and his directorial voice that went on to enthrall audiences over several decades. PTA’s early visual motifs were lengthy and expertly choreographed tracking shots. Please refer to the scenes in the disco as well as the pool party scene pictured above for some of the best camera operation every committed to celluloid. Boogie Nights could possibly be hailed as PTA’s most consistently entertaining and audience friendly works. It’s a great story of the rise and fall of stardom.

#3 - There Will Be Blood (2007) Runtime: 2 hr 38 min Aspect Ratio: 2.39 : 1 Film Format: 35mm

A story of family, religion, hatred, oil and madness, focusing on a turn-of-the-century prospector in the early days of the business.

Verdict: Most critics and audiences would agree that There Will Be Blood is the director’s most impressive masterpiece (but who’s counting?). On a storytelling and technical level, I do have to agree that this is probably Paul Thomas Anderson’s best achievement, even if it isn’t exactly my personal favorite. This is the film where PTA really matured with his directorial vision. He abandoned a lot of his earlier flashy work with large casts and a constantly moving camera for something more grounded and more of a character study. There Will be Blood is the story of America in many ways. It’s the story of Capitalism. And how this system leads to so much bloodshed, greed, and hatred as man and man compete to have the most and be the best. This movie will surely stand the test of time and is a shining example of how groundbreaking modern American cinema can be.

#2 - Magnolia (1999) Runtime: 3 hr 8 min Aspect Ratio: 2.39 : 1 Film Format: 35mm

An epic mosaic of interrelated characters in search of love, forgiveness, and meaning in the San Fernando Valley.

Verdict: Paul Thomas Anderson’s third film found the director taking everything he had learned on his previous two, and expanding on that knowledge and developing more layers to his characters who have never felt so fully realized. Magnolia is the director’s magnum opus. It is epic in its length - clocking in at a little over three hours, making it his longest film by far. It is ambitious in its storytelling approach. Many films utilize the style of a variety of seemingly unrelated characters who connect to each other, oftentimes in a synchronistic fashion as they go about the trials and tribulations of their lives. However Magnolia is one of the few that did it first, did it the best, and set the bar for all of the subpar imitations that would soon follow. It’s also profoundly beautiful in the statements that PTA was trying to make. Paul, just barely 30 years old at the time when this was released, most definitely had an emotional and intellectual maturity that is rarely seen within a director of that age range. Magnolia is about redemption, loss, forgiveness, love, and trying to keep your head above water as frogs rain down on your head.

#1 - The Master (2012) Runtime: 2 hr 18 min Aspect Ratio: 1.85 : 1 Film Format: 35mm & 70mm

Freddie, a volatile, heavy-drinking veteran who suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder, finds some semblance of a family when he stumbles onto the ship of Lancaster Dodd, the charismatic leader of a new “religion” he forms after World War II.

Verdict: I’ve always been drawn to films about cults. Something about social behavior and social roles within a cult organization is a really interesting study on a sociological, psychological and anthropological level. The Master takes the cult formula and turns it on its head in many ways, never once foraying into the territory of exploitation or tropes. It instead takes a wholly original approach to the story. I mean, it is Paul Thomas Anderson that we’re talking about here. Joaquin Phoenix delivers his most unhinged, and certainly his most impressive, performance of his career as a mentally damaged alcoholic war veteran with pretty severe PTSD. The Master is also in many ways the story of the founding father of Scientology - L. Ron Hubbard. However, let’s just say it is a Scientology movie “in disguise” as no real historical names are ever spoke, the word “Scientology” is never uttered once, and even the director himself refuses to admit that’s what it is about (I mean who can blame him? He once had to work with Tom Cruise). It is one of the most fascinating character studies I’ve ever seen. Not to mention, it is PTA’s most beautifully shot film in my opinion and Johnny Greenwood’s musical contributions to the score elevate this film to ultimate masterpiece status. By the end, I felt like I had just undergone a transcendent experience of sorts. I hope one day PTA can make a film that “wows” me ever more than this one does.

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lockdownuk · 3 years

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Lockdown Diary Part 10

A personal account during the lockdown in the UK due to the Covid-19 outbreak.

23/03/2020 8:30pm Boris Johnson, UK Prime Minister, gives a live address to the nation to, effectively, put the country on lockdown to stem the spread of the deadly coronavirus strain, Covid-19.

Many of us have been self-isolating for days but this latest development within the UK in reaction to the pandemic feels very serious and very scary. I decided to keep a simple diary and where better but online. Day 271: Work was dominated by Qfiniti again, including a meeting with Jon and staff from the States, where I found my self taking control to get the next steps in process (and then, Dave Stewart, the SCCM engineer fucked off and put an OOO message on Teams telling me he’s off until Tuesday (it’s Thursday)...and I am off on Monday!) But, I have to say this project does float my boat. Got a text message and then a call from PCH for another laser eye appt this coming Monday at 12.30pm. I mentioned to the lady that phoned that I will have to square it with work (I won’t, but she doesn’t know that) as I can’t afford to lose my job - it just seems the hospital, while under pressue with the admin and the clinic availability - I get it! - just aren’t seeing the issues for the patients. Plus, Peterborough has been declared a Tier 3 from Sunday under the new lockdown scheme, the highest tier. Great...I really want to travel to a highly infected area! managed to find an online booze shop that does Gordon’s and Famous Grouse and will deliver beforee Chrimbo, so I’ve placed the order for dad and Rita’s gift. I spoke with Dad today, he hasn’t heard about his vaccination yet which is a surprise (he’s in the first draft being over 80)

Day 272: Typing on day 273. Work was that manic shit at the end of the dya when I’ve got time off. I am only off on Moday but still had to tie up loose ends, complictaed further by Jon being off next week and Sueanne off this week and the Qfiniti project! In the evening I only mamaged three beers. I ate too much. Plus my sugars were all over the place and way too high! I ordered a torch a couple of days ago (£17), it arrived today. It takes rechargeable batteries or 3 AAAs. Apparently, to get the best performance (i.e. brightness) you need the rechargeable batteries in it, so i charged ‘em. Fucking hell, I’m glad I did - it’s brighter than the sun. It opens up my late walks in winter, for sure.

Day 273: While it was a very late (but sober) night yesterday (gone 4am before lights out) I was up before midday. Usual walking etc. plus gave the bathroom a clean (albeit with wipes, but I did mop the floor - and used the water to also mop the kitchen). Now I am about to stick a pizza in the oven, plus wedges (to have with microwaveable chip shop curry sauce) and watch This Is 40 which is coincidentally on telly tonight - the coincidence being clips of it are on TikTok a lot right now. I am on my second beer and am going to have a smoke right now as well. Lastly for this entry, I have been using my AudioPro speaker today, it pisses me off it’s not WiFi capable but, thru Bt, it does sound fucking good - revisiting James works very well to demonstrate the speaker’s prowess.

Day 274: I have another Paypal a/c. I have been getting emails to my standard gmail account from Paypal saying they are going to charge me £9 for an inactive account which I have been largely ignoring since my paypal a/c has a specific email address. Anyway, I tried to log in, after a password reset and, hey presto, I do have another one, with £35 in it, having just been fleeced of £9 for the aforementioned inactivity, fuckers. It’s registered with the old Market Place address and phone. When I try to transfer the £35 to my card, it wants to confim it’s me by calling the phone, which I can’t amend. Oh, and you can’t contact Paypal direct. Fuck knows what to do! Other than that, usual Sunday, a tad more relaxed since I have tomorrow off, but not that much now I have an eye appointment in Tier 4 Peterborough (it’s been up’d from tier 3)! Up at 1.30 pm (I watched This is 40 and The Guvners last night with lots of beer), feeling worse for wear but, stair climb and a 6 miler acheived!

Day 275: I was at the hospital for 3 hours. The laser clinic didn’t start until 1.30pm so, why my appointment was at 12.20, not even the consultant could understand. 15 minutes of lasering - horrible but I am used to it. It took so long it pretty much fucked my day off up completely. I got a Christmas card from Karen, in the actual post, so, a mail shot. It’s depressing.

Day 276: Back to work and it’s definitely in wind down mode. I’ve decided to compile a list of things I have done this year. It will be on the postive side, such as all the steps I’ve walked and getting an article published about my photography, but it will also include randon facts like getting bitten by a dig twice and not having a haircut. I’ll get it done so I can post in at new year, hopefully be a little inspiring, a little silly and a lot of showing off!

Day 277: Work, again, was quiet. It’s fucking pissing down now, as I type at 21:50, and has been all day. It’s causing havoc and there’s flooding everywhere. I could walk down St. Peter’s Road tonight ‘cos of it (had to go up New Road, Springfield Road, down Latham Road). Soaked a lunhtime and tonight! With a new variant of Coronavirus, France stopped frieght crossing the border. That’s now been resolved but tyeh back log has/is affecting certain food stocks in the shops, of which, fresh veg might affect me for Christams dinner (I plan to do a chicken breast with stuffing, pigs in blankets, yorkshire pud and shed loads of veg. I’ll nip to Co-Op tomorrow morning and see what’s vaialble. It’s a half day at work ‘cos of Christmas Eve, so I can nip out somewhere in the car if need be, as ong as the flooding has subsided. Or I could just get shitfaced and have burgers and pizza.

Day 278: Christmas Eve. Sueanne let me finish at 11.00am so, very shortly thereafter, off for a walk I went; it turned out to be a stop/start affair - flooding as the Nene had burst its banks, ended up doing more of a circuit round town. Bumped into Andy Smith (and his son) and, after that, Ash and Denise. Ended up doing just under 11.5km in 2 and a half hours.Knackered! As I type, I have a chilli on the stove, beer on the go, all the veg and chicken breast bought with no shortages, as feared, for tomorrow’s lunch and looking forward to eating. getting drunk, smoking, listening to music, watching telly....all over the next two/three days.

Day 279: I don’t even remember going to bed last night. As a direct result I got out of bed at 2.30pm. I couldn’t even be bothered with Christmas dinner, let alone anything else like exercise. I’m just about to have chilli for dinner (it’s 8.10pm). Watch some telly then try an go to sleep before midnight. No booze! I did talk to dad earlier. Day 280: Typing on day 281. A better, more productive day. Up @11.00am exercise and walk as usual, although the walk was a different route due to flooding. In the evening I could hear ‘storm Bella’ raging, so windy! I cooked a christmas dinner of sorts, chicken breast with Thyme, all the veg, roasted spuds and parsnip, stuffing (a first for me, albeit co-op stuffing mix), Yorkshie and pigs in blankets. It was smashing! A few beers and The Hitman’s Bodyguard, alays a fun watch. A better day, as I say, but I am feeling particular deflated this Christmas. Day 281: Typing on day 282. I realised, about mid afternoon, that Monday (tomorrow) is a bank holiday so no work. It was a great realisation but, also, worrying that it dawned on my like I’m an old person! Nevertheless, a nice long walk - bumped into Baz & Kate and had a nice long chat, then El & Camila, Aaron and Eva for another, shorter chat. I also saw Denise & Ash along the way. Fog video called later in the evening for a chat too (he told me how he fell asleep at the dinner table, fuck he makes me laugh - unwittingly - when I need it most!) A regular social fest! A repeat of last night’s dinner and a few beers - it was a good day albeit I am in a proper low ebb.

Day 282: Up at midday after a 4am-er. A very long walk (1.75 hours) and a hodge podge dinner (remaining chilli, roasted spuds and peppers, steamed cauliflower and runner beans, grated cheese) - it’s nearly ready, I’ll type the review tomorrow. I realise that this is the first time in 21 Christmases that I have at least talked to K. Is that connected to my mood slump? I reckon so. So, as that fact dawned on me, I then considered, should it be the case next Christmas, it will not be the first in along time and, as such, more manageable....fuck knows how I manage to accentuate any little positive but, thank goodness I do. Day 283: Work was a sedate affair today, fuck all to do really. Sueanne is now follwing me on Insta...I shall invetsigate on how to exclude posts to individuals, methinks. Tea, last night, was fucking lovely. More of the same tonight-ish - currently I am roasting spuds, peppers, garlic, chillies, tomatoes - it’ll all go with left over pigs-in-blankets (5) and a burger. I’ll have bisto beef with mustard on it. I can’t wait! Day 284: Typing on day 285. That meal was fucking lush! Checked on the car todfay and it would not start. Something is draining the battery so I will have to give it a run every day until I can get Julian to sort it. So, I WhatsApp’d Karen to borrow the portable starter. She dropped it off for me. We had the briefest of chats at the doorstep, first time we’ve spoken in weeks. She mentioned my hair! Day 285: NYE. I have just got back from walking to Cottersock and back. I would not have been able to do so without my new torch! I finished and published my double letter quiz on FB, including to the Virtual Pub group and the Oundle Chatter. It’s had some good feedback, I’m rather proud of it. I am going to make chicken casserole now (with dumplings - a first for me, I even bought some flour), have some beers and get a bit stoned. Before that, I am going to finish off my list of things I’ve done this year, including steps wlaked and hours listening on Spotify. I am quite proud of that list too.

Day 286: I fucked the dumplings up, added too much water, so that didn’t happen but the chicken casserole was good, just about to finish it for tea tonight. I also had pizza last night and went to bed at 5am. I have had a lot of good feedback on my list of 2020 achievements. I proud of it. K sent a happy new WhatsApp last night, around 00.30.

Day 287: No booze last night, so I was up before the alarm today (about 10.00am) Two walks, one on my own, another with Fog with a couple of beers. I fucking loved it! Watching datrts (World champs semi finals - been texting Dan while the first one has been on). Going to watch The Aviator later...I’ve not seen it before which surprises me. Why it surprises me I do not know, since I know I haven’t seen it. How the fuck can I be surprised by a fact I’m completely aware of? Day 288: I didn’t watch The Aviator ‘cos Logan Luck was on at 11:55pm on ITV4. Great fildm...I can’t believe that I very nearly paid for it (rent from Sky or Amazon). A late one last night and quite pissed. Thinking about it, having afew beers with Fog in the afternoon made it quite a long sesh for me! Up at just gone midday today, nice long walk (Cotterstock) which was mde long by a painful right ankle - I must have turned or twiested slightly sometime. Still, it survived. Back to work tomorrow - Chrimbo and New Year all done and dusted for the 55th time in my life!

Day 289: First day back at work of 2021. Boris announces another full lockdown in England (there’s a new strain of Covid19 which is seeing huge numbers of infections every day, over 50,000 per day).

Day 290: Something is up with my right foot, the little toe pad. It’s bloody sore. If it gets any worse it’ll affect my walking and exercise. I phoned Anne Bennison to talk about it, she just wants me to go and see her which i donlt want to do if poss, pandemic and all that.

Day 291: Wearing my sandals instead of the M&S slippers and my foot/toepad is already feeling bteer. However, I did inspect my Merrell boots, just in case, and the sole on te right is really worn down, in just three months. I have sent a WhatsApp to CotswoldOutdoors, where I got them from....let’s see what they say! It’s all kicking off i the US - pro Trump protestors have storm the Capitol Building, where congrees was being held. Only in ‘Merica.

Day 292: Busy at work with rolling out Qfiniti - all that project work was pretty much for fuck all since the SCCM package has to hand held. It’s feckin’ freezing today, below freezing, slippy af on my walks. I have been shopping tonight, £106 in Corby Tesco. That does include 8 cans of sapporo.

Day 293: The fracas at Capitol Hill on Wednesday left 5 dead, it looks like Trump will be impeached. He’s already said he’ll not attend Biden’s inauguration. In a fucking world gone mad, it’s another level of madness. It’s really cold -3℃ tonight, more of the same tomorrow. Makes for brisk walks. I’ve just had chicken balti pie and chips for tea. It was so nice that I burnt the roof of my fucking gob. I’m on the Sapporo and about to have a smoke then watch Jack Reacher. I’ve (kinda) earnt after the first 5 day week for a while.

Day 294: Well, last night saw another late one...5am by the time I :went to sleep. Up at 2pm today with no instention of any exercise or walking or housework or fuck all, really. But, I did my exercises and a 9 mile walk. While I walked I came across Banners, quick 15 min chat and listed to Stage by David Bowie. He’s all over the radio right now as it’s his death’s anniversary tomorrow and his birthday yesterday. It’s a fucking good live album. A few beers tonight, eating trash, watching FA Cup highlights then End of Watch later. Posh played today (first time in a while due to Covid infections) drew away to (shitty) Lincoln 1-1. Good point as Posh were down to ten men after 67 mins for a second yellow for handball in the area. Lincoln missed the pen. Fucking funny. Chorley, the non leaguers who knocked Posh out in round 2 of the FA Cup, beat Derby in round 3 today (albeit derby fielded an academy side of 11 first timers due to Covid ) - a great day for them!

Day 295: Up at 2pm swearing blind I’d not walk or exercise (again!) but, of course I did. I’ve done over 25 miles this w/e! End of Watch was brilliant last night. Well worth a rewatch, so emotional. I am making butter chicken as I type. I’ve added extra onion, garlic and, of course, chillies. It’s the spiciest butter chicken I have ever tasted!

Day 296: One of those frustrating days at work when no problem of request I try to resolve goes without a hitch. After a 7km walk in the evening, took the car for a spin and cleaned the bathroom. Fucking knackered. It’s 11:30pm and I’m in bed typing this on the iPad! despite getting up so late, I feel knackered. 11pm bedtime for me, I reckon.

Day 297: Fucking busy at work, the States rolled out a new Okta trust policy and it caused mayhem. Meant my evening walk didn’t start ‘til gone 6pm. When I got back, clened the hall and stairs, made chilli (which I am about to have for tea (gone 10.15pm!) and showered. I’m, again, fucking knackered! Posh played Portsmouth in the EFL Trophy 3rd round at home. Won 5-1. Nice.

Day 298: Had an electrician rouind for the EICR cetrt. He was here until 2pm and it was a pain in the arse, having to work upstairs plus, with having to cut the electricity, all the smart devices lost their settings. And it was freezing up there.

Day 299: Work was impossibly infuriating. Not one pc remote session went to plan! It was pissing down a lunchtime during my walk but, I have to say, the cheap TargetDry coat copes fine in heavy rain for short periods. Everywhere is flooding again even though the rain turned to sleet. By my evening walk, it was dry but bloody cold. Then, when I got in I cleaned the kitchen and mopped the floor and the bathroom’s as well. I fucking done in! Chatted to dad today - same as ever!

Day 300: What a fucking work at week! I am so glad it’s Friday. To celebrate, I ordered new walking boots: Scarpas £121!

#diary #Tumblr diary #lockdown #COVID19 #lockdownuk

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guccifloralsuits · 4 years

Note

hi we were talking about books yesterday and i was wondering if you have any good fiction recommendations? 😇😇😇

Yes, I have so many! I broke them down into relative categories, so there’s a little mix of everything. Please read the actual synopsis before diving in though, as some have major trigger warnings.

Books considered “classics”

Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston: a book which I come back to in hard times of my life. There’s something so…necessary about this story. Prose style was great. I would rec this book to every person I know.

Mrs. Dalloway by Virgina Woolf: I read this when my life seemed to be changing faster than I could keep up. Beautifully written. Came at a time when I needed it.

Wide Sargasso Sea by Jean Rhys: written as a prequel to Jane Eyre and a modernist masterpiece honestly. THE original meditation on the ideal of a Manic Pixie Dream Girl

The Color Purple by Alice Walker: you’ve probably heard this name from the adaptation. Let me tell you. This book deserves all of its acclaim. I think I’m gonna re-read soon.

Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austin: this is super mainstream for The Literary Circles but it’s for good reason, this book is just? Fun? An honestly enjoyable read? plus when I was taking my SATs way back when they had an essay section, I could use this book for literally any prompt they gave

Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë: this book is wild. Everyone is a messy bitch who lives for drama & I love it. I just finished it and omg

The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath: my emo teen- girl rebelling ass ate this shit up back in high school. Is this book overrated? I don’t care. I love it for nostalgic value anyways

The Handmaids Tale by Margaret Atwood: startling beautiful lines. I have almost half this book underlined. A popular read in recent times, with good reason.

A picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde: I fundamentally disagree with everything written in this book. That is exactly the point. About being gay & sinning. I would not recommend this as a ‘light’ read though. Easy to get swept up in Wilde’s sharp wit & not catch the intentional malice behind what he says, underneath.

One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez: I just. Love this. That’s all I have to say. Yeah.gif

All The King’s Men by Robert Penn Warren: The nihilism of Oscar Wilde but set to a political backdrop in the 30’s with stylistic prose akin what you’d read from Hemingway. Probably not for everyone’s taste. But right up my alley in terms of political intrigue. If ur a stuffy English Major with who likes books about corruption, you’ll like this.

Popularized books that are worth the hype they had:

The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls: there’s something so…engaging about the way this is written. It’s pretty much about kids who have to act like adults for their shitty parents. I couldn’t put this down though.

Dark Places by Gillian Flynn: as with all her novels, this gets dark. This gets ugly. An absolute thriller, & I can’t recommend her books enough. (You might know her from Gone Girl & Sharp Objects. This story follows similar tone). Honestly I rec anything by Flynn.

The Princess Bride by William Goldman: you’ve probably heard of or seen this movie. Well guess what? the book is even better.

YOU by Caroline Kepnes: aka the adapted Netflix series where dan from gossip girl plays plays joe, who is basically Dan but Unhinged. But like, the books are great. “Hidden Bodies” which is the sequel to this is even better, in my opinion. Just plz don’t romance Joe cus you saw penn badgley in a Netflix poster & were thirsty 4 him

Lesser Known/underrated books which could use your love:

A Thousand Acres by Jane Smiley: A reimagining of King Lear, set on an Iowa farm in the late 1970s. Powerful and disturbing

The Gold Bug Variations by Richard Powers: specifically for classical music lovers. Basically a long meditation on supernal mysteries of music, specifically Bach’s intricate Goldberg Variations (you’ll wanna have the Glenn Gould recording to hand), & those of the DNA molecule (especially as a code to be broken) It gradually dawns on you that the two couples listening to the music and studying the molecule are themselves engaged in something strangely molecular and musical. You won’t always understand this book, but it keeps taking your breath away.

Ella Minnow Pea by Mark Dunn: did I buy this book solely because of this tumblr post? Yeah. But it was easily one of the best decisions I’ve made. The way he manipulates letter-language is wild. Woah. Highly recommended.

The 100 Year Old Man Who Climbed Out of the Window & Disappeared by Jonas Johnson: a 100 year old dude escapes his nursery home a steals a suitcase full of drug money then goes on a giant crime spree. HIGHLY entertaining. We stan a King

The Sellout by Paul Beatty: probably the greatest satirical comedy written within the last 50 years. I said what I said.

Children’s/teen/YA books you should absolutely read

The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster: wonderfully creative, beautifully told. Takes abstract constructs and turns them into concrete beings and landscapes in amazing, engaging ways. Please read this. One of my all-time favorite books. Takes the protagonist, Milo, on a fantastical adventure borne through boredom on what he though would be another average day. Seriously. I love this book. So much.

Coraline by Neil Gaiman: another beautifully creative foray into a parallel universe where something Not Quite Right lurks beneath a pretty surface. If you’ve seen the movie adaption - great. Still read the book. It’s absolutely worth it.

Love that Dog by Sharon Creech: technically free verse poetry from the perspective of a young boy dealing with the loss of his pet dog who has to write poetry for a class assignment from his teacher. This is…so good. Oh my god. Oh my god? Poetry for non-poetry people.

The Giver by Louis Lowery: Listen. I know you were forced 2 read this in primary English. I know you probably hated it on principle. But this shit was all that kept me going, when I was younger. It made me feel so understood, before I could define trauma or the meaning of depression. This book made me feel seen.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky: ya know what? Fuck 2013 tumblr for dumbing this book down into a basic ass Grunge Anthem. I have never seen a book so adequately grapple with how awful romanticizing trauma can be. This book goes into the horrible side of adolescence in a way that’s genuine, and in a way which doesn’t put trauma/mental illness on a pedestal. I needed that shit, when I read it. I still love this book today. The lines will stay with you forever, after you read some of them.

All the Bright Places, by Jennifer Niven: this was another one of those books that I read in an essential time, which lodged into me afterwards. About two teenagers who meet while standing on the bell tower of their school, both contemplating suicide. Highly recommend. Prepare to cry.

You didn’t ask for Poetry but I’m including some because I am poetry TRASH:

Rice by Nikky Finney

A Thousand Mornings by Mary Oliver

One Big Self by C.D. Wright

LOOK by Solmaz Sharif

Poetry for people who think poetry is inaccessible to them:

New American Best Friend by Olivia Gatwood

Our Numbered Days by Neil Hillborn

Depression & Other Magic Tricks by Sabrina Benaim

There are literally SO SO SO many books I could also add, but these are the ones that came to mind. Bolded ones are those I especially love. Happy reading!

#book recs #classic literature #children’s literature too #if I could only rec one #I’d pick phantom tollbooth #followed by Their eyes were watching god #words #srry if ur on mobile & this is a long post #quarentine things #recs

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buzzworddotie · 4 years

Text

A little (not quite) Anxiety Ramble

Do something! Do SOMETHING! Don’t stop doing something!

Welcome to 2020.

It won’t stop, my brain will not shut off. We’ve been in lockdown for… to be honest off the top of my head I can’t even get dates right but I’ve been in isolation mode, working from home for about 4 weeks now maybe?

On week 2, I became more lethargic than I ever have in my life, I withdrew from any contact with other people, my brain was in a fog, I couldn’t focus. My muscles were tired and refusing to function and my energy was entirely zapped.

I managed to pull myself out of that by attempting to not guilt myself for eating that bowl of carb loaded cereal or allowing myself to rationalise that it’s OK to just watch a movie.

But here I find myself in that cloudy little place again. My anxiety is in such a way that my brain refuses to shut down and my motivation is becoming a precious commodity that I’m unsure of how exactly to keep it in a steady flow.

When the anxiety kicks in like this for me, I stress and worry about every and any thing. Things entirely out of my control, other people, how I am perceived, why I am not now or have ever been good enough for anything or anyone.

My rational brain packs its bags and heads for the door as I stare in the mirror and hate everything I see looking back. My doubts, my insecurities, my shame - every dark little voice that can be mustered up gets louder and louder.

And so I overthink every action I make, I try too hard to impress a version of myself on people. I try too hard to force anyone who might give a shit that I am in fact OK! And you know there’s nothing saner than someone screaming “I’M OK!!” directly into another person's face manically.

Sleeping is the worst, or in my case not sleeping. It doesn’t matter how tired I may or may not be, I can be assured that as soon as I lay my head down that anxiety demon comes alive.

I cannot remember the last time I slept for a solid 7 - 8 hours. I can recall what it feels like to be at complete odds and ends at 4am because it’s happening every goddamn night!

Is this a symptom of what is happening in the world right now or is it just an exemplification of how screwed up I might actually be? These are the beautiful thoughts which haunt my brain in between scrolling through Twitter or Reddit, telling myself to not scroll through Twitter or Reddit and then, you know, casually reminding myself that I will never be good enough for whatever the fuck I think I should be good enough for!

I’ve always been a bit of an introverted extrovert, or am I an extroverted introvert? I’m not sure, the point is I’ve never had a problem being a bit “isolated”. I’m quite happy in my own company and just pondering about, in my own little world doing whatever silly things I decide to do with myself. However, that world of mine was always interrupted with everyday interactions - people I work with, the ability to visit someone and general activities which we just take for granted.

I’m starting to even question if I am as introverted as I liked to think I was at all! I told myself that being locked down wasn’t a big deal for me, not a massive shift in my life. I’m single, I live alone… Just a real wholesome and healthy picture there! “I’m OK!!!”

First World Problems.

One thing about me I’ve known since childhood is that I love my independence. I was told by my parents growing up I was the most independent of all my siblings. There is a sense of freedom that comes with independence and I think losing that is throwing me for a bit of a loop.

The freedom and independence to just make a decision to do something in the moment and being able to just do it. Even the smallest, stupidest of things like going for a browse in a shop. Such a boring and mundane activity but an activity that clearly ticked some kind of box for my mind.

Of course, I am wary of banging on about this word “freedom” but allow me to state, I do not mean freedom with the gusto of some hardcore, right wing, gun toting Murican (Or the Irish lady, she whom shall not be named… We all know).

No, I’m not trying to suggest my first world concept of freedom is being threatened on some conspiracy level, I accept the merit in the fact that for a period of time we have to do what’s best for the greater good. But jaysus, it’s not easy at times is it?

Without the fundamental freedoms which I take for granted as everyday life it’s as if my brain is being withheld vital nutrients for it to operate full steam ahead. Don’t get me wrong, this anxiety trip isn’t a new phenomenon for me, I know the bitch well, but I had such a great grip on things and I think the hardest part for a minute there was trying to figure out how I was allowing it all to spiral so ferociously when I know I have the tools to not do that.

It also bothers me because I am, by nature, incredibly laid back and positive. I flip between Energizer Bunny, Everything is Awesome and easily passing for a hippie stoner on my good days. So seeing myself behave erratically at times now makes me not recognise or like the person I am having to live with during this lockdown! Her neediness and desire to please is very, very off putting to me.

But maybe I just need to let her be a little bit, maybe I just need to let her know that it is fine. It is fine if a momentary lapse in the mind causes a mini freak out which embodies itself as wanting to just shut down, it is fine if she does just go a bit OTT at times with people to overly compensate for how weak and low she is feeling. It’s fine.

It is fine. Once you recognise that that’s all it is, it does not lessen your worth to behave in a way you might later regret and it does not lessen your value if you allow your insecurities or vulnerabilities to sneak through every now and then. You just have to hope that whoever is lucky enough to get the brunt of your vulnerability can appreciate the value in getting a taste of it at all. Because that right there, that vulnerability, that is a precious thing which is not afforded to many, if any at all.

It is the most beautiful aspect of humanity, to be vulnerable. And it is really fucking hard to let go of. Vulnerability takes an incredible amount of strength, it’s a feather that keeps on floating through regardless of how much dirt and debris gets attached to weigh it down. It is delicate and strong all at the same time.

And for me, it is terrifying to let that wall down. It feels frightening to think for a moment I let someone see weakness or gave a hint that I, with all my positivity and strength and being there for other people, could have a moment of weakness. It cracks the veneer of who I want to pretend I am.

Meet my friend, Anxiety.

Anxiety has been an under current which has existed within me since my childhood but something I only recognised as I began to get older and, yes, get help. Speaking to a professional allowed me the opportunity to begin to understand myself and learn about myself, gain self awareness.

Where I am now compared to where I was back then are completely opposed. At its worst, I was consumed by my anxiety and all the other little niggly things which tortured my brain. It all manifested in self-hate usually, maybe hate is a strong word but certainly a really strong dislike of myself! I would allow that to spin in circles in my mind until I was lost in it and trying to fix a million and one things about myself and others which really, was all very surface or non-existent.

The difference today is that I can, at last, recognise it. I can see the signs, at times I am deep within them and it takes a step back to shake it off and see it but at least I can find it within myself to rationalise and take that step back.

It doesn’t make it easy, there is nothing easy about managing mental health in the same sense there is nothing easy about managing physical health. If I want that toned stomach I will have to feel the burn and it has to work the same for mental health too!

Jesus, it is not easy at times. I will always remember an episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race in which the contestant Katya suffered severely from debilitating anxiety. During a walk through Ru asked the Queen if she was, in fact, addicted to the anxiety. This registered with Katya and as time has gone by and that interaction replays in my own mind, I realise it often registers for me too.

When it is all you know, you can easily become all consumed by the anxiety, the worry, the stress and you can get sucked right down into it. And you can find a level of comfort within that discomfort, it’s recognisable and it can feel easier to submit yourself to it than seek out the light and pull yourself back from it.

When I break it down I can see the various triggers for my anxiety:

Opening up and being vulnerable = Opening myself up for rejection.

Feeling like I cannot help = Opening myself up for failure.

Failure, rejection = Not good enough.

Attempting to improve and increase my self worth is really something that I never understood was such an issue for me, mostly because the concept of “self worth” was never something that even showed up on my radar. But guess what? It’s a thing!

Self love is not about having an over inflated and delirious ego, it is about recognising that you do have worth as a human being. Recognise yourself as a human being.

Oh god, she’s going to talk about her childhood...

So, why is it that I may not have always recognised myself as a human being, worthy of care and love? Well, I will refrain from the details that will cause my very being to quiver but I was raised in a home in which I received a lot of love, but it was unstable. Arguments, raised voices, depression and a lack of seeing love between my parents. A tumultuous family backstory which, while I was not in existence for much of it, carried a heavy cloud over all proceedings. I was in existence for difficult times with siblings and parents who butted heads constantly.

I was a witness, I was shielded from being on the receiving end for the most part but I still stayed awake at night waiting for things to take a turn for the worse. I jumped at nothing and everything, like a scared little mouse. I was reserved and private with friends, I held the problems into myself and did not expose anyone to it.

As well as this, I faced a level of mental, physical and, like so many other girls and women out there, sexual abuse. I won’t delve into all the details but it seems like some sick, twisted joke that once you are forced to be subjected to this as a child, you do not recognise the issue with it which leaves you vulnerable for it again as you mature into an adult and set off on your own.

This is because your self worth has been destroyed. So when you see ladies coming to the fore as part of #MeToo or another movement, or no movement at all, don’t be so quick to judge. These ladies have likely held their tongue because their self worth has been so low that until they became exposed to others discussing it they didn’t even realise what had happened to them.

I won’t dwell too long on that, I could spend a long time dissecting it but it isn’t for now.

I will note, neither of my parents were responsible for that abuse. However, what my beautiful, kind and lovely parents were responsible for was me and as much as it absolutely kills me to have to admit, there were failings. Aside from generally being exposed to an unhappy home, as a child I was used to bridge the gap. Something which ran into my adulthood.

If my father was angry, upset or, as I now reflect and realise, in a spiral of depression it was my responsibility to pick him out of it. From a young age, I was the fixer - a tool to try to make things better.

Until I actually discussed this with a professional I never saw the problem here, everything was normalised to me, but apparently not great! It’s a lot of pressure to put on a child!

Add into that a complex / chip on my shoulder of never being as good as an older sibling, whom I perceived as the ‘golden child’, feeling like I had to keep things hurting me hidden for fear of disrupting an already disruptive home for which I felt responsible for keeping the peace or holding together and well, you get yourself a nice little stew that is a recipe for absolute fucked up adulthood!

Honest Reflection.

How could I ever expect to grow into a well developed individual? The balance of genuine love I did receive from my parents is what I believe kept me from falling down an even more desperate track, a track which I pondered along on many occasions. A dark road with flickering lights where the allure of escape was often far too real.

However, my internal commentary of having to be responsible for others actually kept me from ending it on many occasions as I could not release the feeling of not wanting to let anyone down.

Jesus, unpack this shit and it’s an absolute shit show! But I don’t claim to be special or unique, the sad reality is how many people went through a similar journey or worse and are now in their early to mid adulthood and attempting to get to grips with it all. And that’s only if they managed to find the tools and resources to recognise it in the first place.

Recognise that 1. You are not mental and 2. You are not a terrible human being.

I can’t speak to anyone else but clearly I have lacked the tools to manage or cope with my emotions. Anything outside of my control freaks me out and I lose the absolute run of myself! I panic, I seek out approval and validation and often in unhealthy ways. I have had eating disorders which I have been in denial about, I have drank too much, gone off the rails and slept with far too many people!

What now? What triggered my writing, which has evidently turned into an unintentional essay about myself (fair play if you’ve made it this far, you’re a better person than me).

I recognised irrational behaviour and a deep dip in my mood as well as an increase of self critical behaviours. That was when I began writing, this is now the future, or present, or wait, is this inception? I’ve incepted myself, just know as you read now a couple of days have passed.

And it took those couple of days for the lightbulb to click on but better late than never!

Let there be Light!

I began writing this aimlessly as a means to just put my thoughts down and that was a step in the direction of realising I had to do something. I am now slowly picking myself back up from it all.

First step, I went to the chemist and I just asked what can you give me for anxiety, I am not sleeping, I have not had a proper night sleep in close to two weeks or more - I asked for…… Help!

Gulp, scary, try it sometime.

The Pharmacist gave me a product called “Avena Sativa” (check it out). I added 20-30 drops to a little bit of water and it immediately relaxed and eased my mind. I took more before bed and baby, when I say I slept! Pure, deep, joyful sleep - all the z’s.

But wait, there’s more! Thinking I might as well hit this from all angles, I also grabbed some Vitamin D supplements and began retaking my B-12. I don’t know if one or all of these things did the trick but I can certainly feel the easing effects.

So that’s the taking stuff, but that isn’t all I did - Oh no, that would be too short for me!

I knew I really needed to hit this hard if I wanted to pull myself out of the hole I could eventually be down deep within. I’m a fan of meditation, I get that some skeptical people might huff it off as new age hippie nonsense or whatever, but it can work. Youtube has a host of wonderful meditation videos and for me, switching off from the world and onto one of those helps me massively.

Additionally, I stopped hanging out of my phone, for the best part at least. I have a bit of anxiety with my phone (of course I do). I went through a period of time where my phone was a bearer of bad news, any phone call could have been bad news and eventually, it was. I realised I find it hard to let go of that, the idea that if I do not have my phone on me and with sound on 24/7 I risk not getting an important piece of news, I risk letting someone down or not being there as I should be.

Should = dangerous word. Don’t let ‘should’ govern your life or mind. Every ‘should’ is an expectation and additional level of stress you are putting on yourself. Best advice I received was to replace ‘I should’ with ‘I want to’ and see what the end result becomes.

Let’s wrap this up.

All in all, this is a time that can lead those susceptible to anxiety, and even those who are not typically, to find themselves in the mental trenches. It’s imperative to look at yourself from the outside and attempt to recognise what might be the deep rooted cause of what is effing you up. Do you really hate your body right now or is your self worth a bit low because of some other reason that deserves to be addressed?

Maybe consider going a bit easy on yourself? Don’t beat yourself up over that response or message that you regret. Don’t assume you can control others, just be yourself. Speak your truth at any given time and allow yourself that beautiful release of scary, scary vulnerability.

Don’t run from it or beat yourself up over every and any little interaction or negative thought, give yourself a break and pull yourself out of the addiction of dark thoughts. Seek out help, ask for help - even if you are just asking yourself. Make healthy choices that will have a knock on effect of making you feel good about yourself or happy in your decision.

It is far from easy, but again, nothing worth having in this life is ever easy. But then the end result, when you push through and put in that effort - it is so, so very worth it to be able to have that moment of that day when you actually don’t doubt yourself or hate yourself.

I will keep motoring along with my own work and efforts and I ask that you do the same, if you find yourself in that dark place. Push through and don’t give up on yourself, you’re all you’ve got and that’s a pretty amazing thing to have.

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mymanysituations · 4 years

Text

My depression

Everyday I fight to be the best man I can be. I try to push my self to new limits while trying to take note on what is happening to my body while doing so.

Taking chances with illness is challenging and very touch and go.

Just because I was able to walk a mile yesterday does not mean I will be able to tomorrow, and just because walking got me dizzy and threw me into a vertigo session doesn’t mean that it will or will not happen next time.

To accept life change is understandable, but to accept a change that is never ending is maddening at times.

My illness is very painful all day everyday. My illness leads to seclusion many of my days. It leaves me feeling inadequate and less then healthy on most of my days.

It is a constant turn of events that occur at the drop of a dime, and always at the most unexpected of times as well.

The unexpected, unknowing, guilt and whatever else false into this category of dealing with multiple sclerosis has fed and grew another symptom which is depression.

Depression is like many things different and unique to each it’s holder, and come in many forms from chronic to mild and manic to isolated.

My depression was titled chronic it was deep and dark and very hard not to show to the people in my life.

Not that I was trying to hide depression from anyone, but I knew how it made me feel and new how this life changing illness made me and my loved ones feel so I simply did not want to add anymore hurt or sadness on my friends and beautiful family.

Depression set deep in my mind and controlled me for quite the few years.

Again I love my family and always did and will but during it’s worst times I wanted nothing but to be alone.

I did not know what to do with such dark feelings in my life, it was all so new to me.

I wondered if people were judging me because I knew my personality had changed overnight. Once happy joyful and always smiling to a emotionless smirk here and there is a huge change for anyone to witness and judge with out a doubt.

Everyone in my world were more then understanding during these times and did not push me to much to talk or have answers. This was huge to me that I knew they understood what I had but also that they did not know what I was going through and took my word instead of believing text book answers.

My depression did not sneak up on me by any way, yet instead imploded my world one day out of no where.

I knew I was sad for the burden I thought I had become, for not being there financially for my wife and our partnership and a couple.

Again all the uncertain minutes, hours and days in my upcoming newly diagnosed life played another huge part in this illness.

When I first was diagnosed with ms I did not know what to feel how to act or what should be my next step.

From Dr.’s telling me it was in my head, that my symptoms weren’t real or that I would be wheel chair bound or dead in a few years all I’m sure added to my upcoming illness called depression.

So much played a factor in my depression. I just started to live like the man I always had wanted to be. I was reliable, trustworthy and the go to guy for problem solving.

I was now the man I wanted to be and the man I knew my wife deserved as her life partner.

Then multiple sclerosis came and took it all away leaving me angered, confused, sad and defeated.

It saddens me whenever I am the center of attention because of what I have. Please people realize your sympathy is just another way of feeling judged, because I know you don’t know my reasons for my actions because they are hidden from you.

I feel like I am a downer in peoples life. I hate feeling this way, I want to be the guy that makes you feel up on life and makes you want to smile any time he’s near.

I feel bad because many times at family gatherings we’re all having a nice time then out from no where I get a flare and all the fun stops, putting all of the attention on me and my illness.

I feel like I am causing drama, making everyone “look at me and how sick I am.’

Then I find a quite place to lay down and pack myself full of ice packs leaving the rest of the time in a room, alone trying to heal my wounds.

I feel guilty because I know I have shifted the whole parties mood from fun to concerned.

Although I am grateful for everyone and appreciate their concern more then they know it just sucks! And really saddens me seeing all of their faces filled with concern.

Dr.’s have their hands full and I am very grateful for the one’s who take their work to their heart and go the extra mile to get real answers to help people get the best quality of life they can while battling illness and or diseases.

On my way through this journey I encountered both types of passive and aggressive Dr.’s

Loving the few I have in my life right now, but finding them was a whole other story.

Again I know Dr.’s have a job to do, but also they can have some cooth while doing so.

Many of them before and after my diagnosis were the passive type who dealt with me as a number and not as a person.

This I know was also a part in leading to my depression.

After all putting your trust in professionals you tend to take them very serious and take their words to heart.

So hearing some of them tell me I was fine, I was wasting their time because I was so healthy etc, ect, ect.

Made me feel and think I truly was going insane and making all this up in my head.

I felt like I was in a haze and that life was a still movie, it was cold, dark and blurry with no sound and no hope.

I never quit asking my questions and was never afraid of firing Dr.’s. I was always looking for new ways to check on my health.

I fight every day to better my health and while fighting need to keep my sharpest of weapons handy at all time ( my brain.)

I realized after awhile and finally ditching the “bad” Dr.’s from my life that I had been dealing with depression for years being in diagnosed.

My family DR. Talked to me and my wife saying “you are depressed! And you should be!” he went on to say that with all I was going through that of coarse I would be depressed and put me on medication immediately.

Before hand I was very scared and would sit in the dark and in complete silence to deaden my fears of anxiety and depression.

I wanted little or nothing to do with anyone, because I truly hated what I had become.

Depression left me with no appetite and only sadness.

Going from Dr. To Dr. Everyday although I had to do it, did not help either “ keeping you reminded of how sick you are.”

My depression took me to new lows and brought with it the numbing of my feelings.

I wasn’t happy, sad, funny or serious and my face was frozen in one expression ( a expression I can’t explain and never want to have to vision again.)

I was 100% emotionless for many years before being treated for my recognized diagnosis of chronic depression.

Since my diagnosis and getting on the right meds and right dosage also I have incorporated many things in my life to reduce my depression down to all time lows for me. To witness such deep dark moments for so long not seeing a light any where in sight, and then to be in such a good place as I am today is a true miracle in its self.

Besides my meds I have also found many ways and do many things to help control my depression.

I tried these things before, but without the help of medicine they were close to impossible.

I learned to meditate, this is a great way to keep in touch with my inner self my true being and let it understand I am here for it and mean it no harm,

Meditation comes in many forms and can be as personal as you want or just a good time to unwind and let go of all your days troubles for awhile.

You can go to meditation classes through a yoga teacher, or do self guided meditation by using one of many apps in your phones game area.

Meditate as long and as often as you feel, if it is helping you calm your energy and lengthen your days health in a good way then you are doing it right.

If you feel you don’t have enough discipline yet to do self meditation you can always try another great forum of it called guided meditation. Guided meditation is a yoga teacher guiding you through serene visions of your own thoughts, your teacher will know how to relax you and put you in a conscious yet close to sleep awareness to help you guide your inner soul to serenity and safety helping you understand you always have a safe place inside you to run from anger, pain, and anything that you fear, you have a safe place to go to when you need to calm your thinking or reset the patience button in your life.

Going to sound immersion concerts where you lye still as a guru plays chimes and tahitian bowls, drums, rain stick and other nature like sounds all around you.

This is a great way to relieve stress, depression, anxiety and just a great way to free your mind from all the daily drag that gets in our way and can really get us down.

Being immersed in the energy of natures sounds while relaxing and visioning nothing but stillness will ground you to nature and allow you to vision and live a more un complexed life with a much deeper meaning in your health and well being.

Again if you would rather do this in your home there are great apps in your phones app store and also some good guided meditations on you tube as well.

I use music as an escape, my own escape with my own choices, music that I relate to its lyric and or its message. I am a firm believer in music as therapy and a firm believer in its power to heal our mind.

I write alot I write my feelings down (good or bad) and it depends but sometimes I burn the bad ones releasing them from my being then once I feel uplifted I will show my gratitude by writing a thank you letter to myself for showing my strength and trust in myself.

Or other times I will write poetry either dark poetry or happy poetry to share or not share with anyone, everyone or no one it doesn’t matter their is no wrong way to release just as long as you do it and it feels right to you.

Depression comes in many shapes and forms and is as unique as the person who holds it. How you chose to battle it is completely up to you, no one knows you better then you.

Do what makes you feel better and what you know is best for you and no one else.

You and only you hold the key to unlock your road taking you away from your demons.

#multiple sclerosis #depression #invisibledisability #invisible disease #spoonie #spoonie life #budas warriors

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giannimaldonado · 4 years

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Album Of The Day: Satan Is Watching

When most people born after a certain period of time think of the genre that is “country”, and what it has morphed into in the context of this day and age, a lot of unpleasant images spring to mind. Pretty boy, clean cut, poser rednecks who’ve never seen a farm outside of their music videos, trying to pretend to be another “honest Joe” when they couldn’t be any further from such a thing, making trashy, twangy glam rock mixed with watered down trap music/EDM for white southerners who might have interesting views on those of different races, rolling around in million dollar sports cars while adopting the moniker of “working class”...is probably what your mind immediately begins to conjure up in that brain of yours.

I honestly can’t say that I blame you. Country, or, at least, MAINSTREAM country, has lost its way completely. Luke Bryan, Brad Paisley, Tim McGraw, and Blake Shelton polluted this once proud, grassroots, amazing genre with pandering, trite garbage aimed at making money off of dumb hicks in the bodies of frat boys whose trucks cost more than your own damn house. Gone are the days when country music was filled to the brim talent, creativity, passion, and heart. Now, this “jock country” has taken its place, having thoroughly fucked country up the ass a few too many times that it has lost its way. For good, perhaps.

Underground country’s usually no better. There’s some exceptions (we’ll get to those soon), but for the most part, it, too, has gone off the rails and destroyed itself completely. It’s often just indie folk or what have you with even more acoustic guitars, though perhaps with more twang, whiny vocals that are trying (and failing) to recreate a stereotypical southern accent, a reliance on cheap gimmicks, sarcasm, and irony to carry their trash because the excrement can’t do that itself, and a musical quality that tries SO hard to imitate the great Mr. Cash, but is little more than a cheap, pale imitation that folks who wear WAY too much flannel and wire rimmed glasses will eat up like it’s the second coming of Joy Division.

No matter how you look at it, country has been thoroughly gentrified for the most part, just like many genres that were previously for a much different variety of people. Like trap music, or blues, or hardcore punk, or black metal. All of the original meaning is gone, driven out by money hungry label executives, clueless and ignorant listeners, and musicians hellbent on half-assing their way to fame and fortune.

It’s a crying shame, it really is.

But fret not, dear reader! There is still a soft, seedy underbelly of the country genre that has taken the long dead (yet forever revered and loved) sound of “outlaw shit”, as Mr. Jennings would put it so eloquently, to its most logical extreme. One that would make Nelson, Cash, Haggard, Coe, and others that might’ve been at the top of their “underground”, “anti-mainstream” game seem rather...accessible. These aforementioned artists and their peers are still greats who, in their primes, were powerhouses that made some of the greatest works the genre would ever produce. But when compared to this particular sound...they just don’t hold up as well. The rawness, the grassroots nature, the down-to-Earth (and sometimes below the Earth) attitude, the simplicity, the honesty, the bluntness, the intimacy, the melancholy...all of it gets turned way up to eleven. It’s dark, it’s mischievous, it’s harsh, it’s gritty, it’s angry, it’s bitter, it’s darkly humorous, it’s lonesome, it’s ornery, and it’s damn sure pretty fucking mean.

Call it whatever you want. “Southern gothic”, “dark country”, “death country”, “gothic country”. It doesn’t matter what name you apply to it. All that matters is that it’s country. Real fucking country. Country meant for the guttersnipes, punks, street urchins, hobos, peasants, and forlorn drifters. This ain’t pretty boy music. This isn’t nice, Christian contemporary that you can play at your local uptight establishment. These aren’t harmless tunes your the posers can get drunk and go mudding to. This is country as it was meant to be. The eptiome of the term “outlaw shit”.

There’s a plethora of wonderful bands in this scene. Sons Of Perdition, Sixteen Horsepower, whatever project Jay Munly’s got going on this time around, The Dead South, the early days of The Devil Makes Three, The Builders And The Butchers, Wovenhand, Ghoultown, Coffinshakers, The Pine Box Boys, and, of course, everyone’s favorite descendant of the Williams family tree. The third one, that is.

But all of those fall short of that truly, truly, TRULY horrific honky-tonk, old-time, folksy, backwoods atmosphere that this duo produces. One that hails from the isolated, empty thickets that lie out in rural Wisconsin. A mentally disturbed pair of “prophets of the country doom”, as they have decided to label themselves. A fine example of those who have gone completely mad, completely sad, and doing so makes them feel very glad. They revel in their craziness, and while no album sounds the same, each one is marred by a couple of recurring themes: humanity is worthy of being sent straight to the fiery depths, these boys are depressed beyond your wildest comprehension, a rebellion against both God and Satan, and a desire to document the lifestyle of society’s forgotten ones, hated ones, and feared ones.

Let me introduce you to Those Poor Bastards.

Fitting name for a couple of enigmatic, largely unknown, extremely obscure pair of men known simply as Lonesome Wyatt (impassioned orations and guitar-based melodies) and The Minister (everything else).

The Minister is completely anonymous, with no one having even seen his face, while all that’s known about Lonesome Wyatt is that he’s from Wisconsin, (probably) lives alone, and is likely of an unsound state of mind.

Why is that all important? Well, go listen to their albums, and then you’ll find out why these little intricacies are vital to the dynamic duo’s imagery, music, and cult status.

While all of their material is quite good in my opinion, today we’re going to look at my favorite album from them, and possibly my favorite album from any country artists EVER! Everyone, please proceed to throw on “Satan Is Watching.”

What you’ll first be met with Lonesome Wyatt letting out a loud, wild, manic screech that almost doesn’t sound...human. It’s not even a word. Just an unhinged howl like Lonesome Wyatt’s been possessed by some sort of demon from the pits of Hell, having taken over the “doomsday preacher boy” to spread the wicked gospel. A hell of a start to an album of any kind, let alone a country album. It’s bold, but it lets you know right off the bat that they aren’t fucking around. This is going to be a rough ride from start to finish, and you’ll be left quaking in your seat once Those Poor Bastards has pierced your mind, heart, and soul with their fiendishly unholy sound. A truly nihilistic piece of art about how this world is foul and wretched, and deserves to burn to a cinder.

But that’s just the first song.

Things only manage to get worse from there. Everything from songs about how Lonesome Wyatt’s a degenerate who revels in just how much filth and squalor he lives in, to songs (well, more like suspiciously suicidal rants) about how life is fucked and there’s just no point in living it anymore, to various “take that!” pieces towards lovers who have wronged him in times that have long since passed, presumably. Typical topics for country artists, but contorted and warped to the point where they sound like miniature horror stories being yelled and hollered by a crazy, top-hat wearing yokel than the struggles and strife that are endured by the common man/downtrodden fellow. Hell, there’s even a Johnny Cash cover! A twisted, perverted, scummy, bone-chilling, haunting, eerie take on the previously wholesome, innocent love song The Man In Black made for June. I can’t exactly look at it the same way, what with these mysterious hooligans having thoroughly butchered it.

Instrumentation is minimalist and simple. Nothing too fancy or technical here. It’s quite self-explanatory. Despite how evil it is, the rhythms are still toe-tappingly catchy. The drums, being pounded upon by the fiery hands of The Minister, provide anything from a nice, plodding beat you can stomp your feet to, all the way to a rowdy raucous of a banger that’ll have you doing some sort of line dance with the living dead. Lonesome Wyatt beats upon his acoustic guitar like it owes him money. Not even really playing it. Just smashing the strings until weird, disgruntled, odd noises come out of it. He also seems to thoroughly shatter his ability to talk without a sore throat, pushing his voice to its very limits. The bass compliments everything very well, providing a creepy, fuzzy, dirge-like texture in the background to keep the menacing tone alive and well.

All in all, while this may not “experimental”, “avant-garde”, or even “progressive”, this is certainly an album that’ll give you the heebie-jeebies, and for a country album, it is most certainly “out there”. It takes the usual country tropes, and either turns them into something out of a David Lynch movie, or subverts/plays with them to fuck with the audience and make them contort their face with confusion...and excitement. A spooky bit of acoustic noise that’ll restore your faith in country music, and remind you that there is still a small resemblance of a spark left within the dying genre.

Please, I highly recommend you check this out.

This has been another installment of “Esoteric Warfare”, and remember...

NOISE, NOT MUSIC!

#gothic country #those poor bastards

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