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#This is so short... I feel kinda bad about that
maxillness · 3 days
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Braid Me || LH44 x Reader
Warnings: 18+, hand kink (if you squint), sub!Lewis, (kinda) degrading kink, oral (m)
Wordcount: 1.6k
I couldn’t find a gif where he didn’t have braids, so I settled for this picture instead 🤷‍♀️
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She was comfortably laid in her bed. Softly tucked under her duvet
She groaned hearing her phone ring on the bedside table. She debated if she should pick it up or just let it ring through
She turned her body, picking her phone up. She looked at the screen
“What do you want, Lewis?” She asked, tone a little rougher than she intended
“Caught you at a bad time?” He asked, hearing her rough voice
“I was laying so comfortably until you called me” She explained, annoyed at hearing his chuckle “What did you want?”
“Can you help me redo my braids?” He asked, a sigh leaving his lips after he finished
“What? Why? Why me, I mean?” She asked, almost rambling as she sat up
“You’re good at it. You’re fingers are small and can handle it better than myself” He explained
“My fingers aren’t small” She said, sounding offended
“Sure, love” God, his voice always did something to her she was afraid to say “So… You wanna help me or not?”
“I hate you” She said as soon as he opened the door when she rang the doorbell “I’m only doing this because you said my fingers are small. They are not, by the way” She said, pushing past him into the hallway
He took her wrist, holding her hand beside his. Maybe her fingers were small, or maybe it was because his were big, but they did look small beside his
“They are small, love” He said, letting go of her wrist
Just keep touching me
It was something about his hands. The way she could still feel his touch on her wrist, or the way he would linger his touch on her a little too long
“Come on” He said, guiding her into the living room “Want anything to drink? Eat?”
“What do you have?” She said, sitting down on the comfortable couch
“Tea, coffee, hot chocolate, wine if you’re lucky” He said from the kitchen “I have some cookies, I think”
“Hot chocolate and cookies are fine, thank you” She said as he turned around to grab two mugs
“Here you go” He said, placing both mugs and the cookies on the coffee table in front of her
He sat down in between her legs, turning on the tv so he would be entertained while she would undo his braids and do them again
She started from the bottom, softly starting to undo his braids. She noticed the way he stiffened at her touch, which he always did, she didn’t really think about it
She also noticed the way he was only focusing on the tv, not touching his hot chocolate or the cookies, which is weird because he had put something about politics on, which he hated
She got the bottom row done, drawing her fingers through the locks, hearing his breath hitch for a second
“What’s the problem, Lew?” She put her hands on his shoulders, making him flinch slightly
“Nothing. Really, it’s not nothing” Never once looking up at him, afraid he would get lost in her eyes and become a blushing mess
“Okay. It’s just that you’re shoulders are stiff and you’re breath hitched” Her thumbs started circling his shoulders, making him hold his breath “I won’t ask anymore” She chuckled, pulling her hands back to his hair
She tried making small talk with him, but he came with short answers or hums
She had finally gotten the last braid undone “Comb?” She asked, holding her hand beside his shoulder
He placed it softly in her hand, shivering when she accidentally closed her hand around his fingers
She started brushing his hair, softly getting the knots out, getting it soft for her to braid again
She knew she promised to not ask again, but she kept thinking about the way his shoulders were stiff and his breath hitched or were held
“Turn around, Lewis” He hesitated, but did as she told him
He sat on his knees, heels digging in to his ass, his hands laying in his lap as he was looking up at her
“What’s wrong?” Her eyes were soft
It was the softness in them that he fell in love with. They way they could light up the entire room even in the middle of the night in a room with no light
“N-nothing” He looked down, feeling a blush creep up on his cheeks and down his neck
“Lewis” She hooked a finger under his chin, making him look up at her again
She noticed the way his pupils now were blown wide, covering the chocolate brown in his eyes
“Kiss me” His voice was low, just above a whisper “Please…?” His eyes flicked from her eyes to her mouth and back to her eyes
“Lew…” She sighed, subconsciously leaning further down, her hand dropping into her lap
“Please” He said again, putting his hands on her thighs, shifting in his position “I’ll do anything”
She cupped in jaw as his fingers tightened around her thighs. His breath hitched again when she leaned in
He kissed back immediately when their lips made contact. She meant it to just be one short kiss, but when she felt his lips on hers, she didn’t want to let go
She pressed their lips harder together, making him whimper. He managed to get up and into her lap without breaking the kiss
Her hands landed on his waist while his arms were around her neck, pulling her closer into him
Her tongue glided across his bottom lip, and he opened up without hesitation
The feeling of her tongue against his made a low moan slip from him, sending vibrations into her lips
Her hands traveled from his waist, over his hips, and landed on his ass. She squeezed him softly, drawing out a surprised yelp from him
“Please” He whimpered breathlessly, pulling slightly away from her lips so he could speak “Need you” His lips were still grazing hers
“Need me? How bad?” She asked in a teasing tone, lips going to his neck, making him moan quietly
“So fucking bad” His hands went to the hem of her shirt, tugging at it softly “Please. ‘M begging you”
Her hands went under his shirt, her lips away from his neck to pull it over his head and throw it carelessly on the ground
“Is that why you called me over? To get fucking laid?” She asked, hands tracing his abs, making him shiver
“N-no. I needed help with my braids” He said, eyes closed as his head laid in the crook of her neck
“And to get laid” She stated, hands working on his belt, loving the way he rolled his hips subconsciously
“No, but I was hoping” He let out a sigh when she finally got his belt off and zipped the zipper down
“This is not going to work like this” She sighed. She grabbed his hips turning them around so, he was sitting on the couch as she was on her knees in front of him
Her hands went back to the waistband of his jeans, hooking her fingers into both the jeans and his boxers, tapping his hip to lift up as she pulled them down
She helped him get out of the jeans so she could spread his legs and sit in between them, getting closer to his cock
“Just like that, baby” She says softly, kissing the inside of his thigh, earning a whimper from him as he throws his head back against the couch
She licks off the pearl of pre cum that had gathered on the tip, draw a moan from him and a shutter of his hips
She held his waist as her tongue circled around his tip, drawing lewd moans from him
“F-fuck. D-don’t tease. Please. Too sensitive” His hands gripped her biceps hard, nails digging into her skin through the sleeves
“What? Think you come from just this?” She asked teasingly before she resumed her actions
“If you keep going- fuck… Then, yes” His moans were like music to her ears. Music that hit just the right nerves “Please”
She gave in, hollowing her cheeks, taking all of him into her mouth, making him hit the back of her throat
She gaged around him, earning a whimper from him, making her smile up at him, starting to bob her head
“Fuck, please- Ah” He started bucking his hips, meeting her mouth halfway, hitting her throat at every thrust
“Please- Fuck- I’m gonna- Ah. Close” He was unable to form any proper sentence
She felt him twitch in her mouth, smiling to herself, she slowed down, which earned her a whine, but was soon replaced with even louder moans when she swirled her tongue around him again
“Yes- Fuck- Can- I need- I’m gonna” The ‘warning’ was the only thing he got out before he shot his cum down her throat, his whole body shaking
She swallowed all of his cum before standing up. Chuckling at the way he looked. Whole body covered in sweat, his curly hair clinging to his forehead, eyes closed, chest rising and falling at a rapid pace
“You okay, baby?” She asked, leaning down to kiss his jaw
“Mhm” He said, managing to open his eyes “Don’t think I can… Give you one more” He said honest, glossy eyes looking up at her
“It’s fine. We’ll do more another time. Come on, we’ll shower” She pulled him up from the couch, catching him when his knees gave out
“Another time? There’s gonna be another time?” He asked, placing his head into the crook of her neck
“Only if you want to” She said, helping him into the tub before starting the water
“Would like that” He said, leaning slightly forward so she could slide in behind him “Would really like that” He sighed, leaning into her touch behind him
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Orange Blossoms
Pairing: Buck x Reader
Word count: 5.2
Notes: WOW I can’t believe I have like nothing to say for notes like usually I can’t shut up here okay. Anyway I’m working on that other secret series that I’m really not sure I’m even gonna publish but I kinda want to move to marvel again who KNOWS
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Chapter 2: Backpack, Backpack
Buck changes his screensaver immediately.
 Back to just a photo of all of them, because if Bobby sees that he’d probably skin him alive. He’d already all but threatened him to stay away from you. In a sweet, loving, dad-type way. 
“You go anywhere near her and I kill you” 
Okay, maybe he did threaten him. 
But it was probably just a joke, Buck would be the perfect son-in-law!
“It wasn’t a joke” 
How does Eddie always know what he’s thinking? 
“Does this mean I really have to stay away from her… because I can’t do that Eddie? I’m in love” 
They’re standing together holding a hose, it’s a pretty routine fire thank god it hasn’t gotten too big. Eddie moves over to the side and Buck follows him 
“First of all, you’re not in love, you’re infatuated. You’re not a Disney princess Buck, as much as you’d like to believe you are. It takes time to fall in love.” 
“It takes time to fall in love” Buck mocks him in a high-pitched voice, Eddie snickers knowing he’s absolutely right 
“What’s your second point, jerk.”
“Second of all, she’s Bobby’s niece. And he said to stay away from her” 
“Okay, but she's Athena’s niece!!”
“They’re married? And she calls him Uncle Bobby. Are you really getting all technical on my ass!” 
“I am giving the future Mrs. Y/N Buckley all the respect she deserves!” 
Eddie stops fully, turning to look at his delusional best friend. He doesn’t usually give em his last name. He must really be down bad for you 
“We really… need to talk about how you plan your entire life with someone after knowing them for all of six seconds” 
Buck gives him an incredulous look, like Eddie had never done that before. He kicks at him to turn back around. 
“I can hear the bells” Buck sings “well, do n'tcha hear em chime? Can't you feel my heartbeat keeping perfect time?” 
Eddie’s head falls back as he bursts out laughing, he nearly drops the hose as Buck sings the entire damn song in a silly voice, dramatically acting it out. 
He’s humming it all the way back to the station, he gets weird looks from everyone but he’s in too good of a mood to care. They tease him and try to get a rise out of him but he just shakes his head 
“Nothing you say will ever dampen my spirits, you're all just haters!” He sticks his tongue out at them 
“You’re usually this happy when you’ve got a date… so who is she?”Chim asks from the front seat and Buck stalls a little 
“Uh- no! No, it’s not a date it’s just… uh”
“Buck is talking to my cousin Alicia!” Eddie shrugs, as nonchalantly as possible “Yeah Alicia, he was Insta-stalking her so I just you know told him to…go for it”
“Long distance? That doesn’t sound like you” Bobby narrows his eyes and Buck looks at Eddie frantically 
“She’s coming here! Soon! To visit!” 
“Oh, that’ll be nice!” Bobby seems happy about that and Eddie immediately gets on his phone…he needs to send a text. 
Buck hears the rumble of your engine before he sees you and he’s already sneaking out to come greet you. Eddie notices him being shady and not finishing restocking the engine, so he follows him. 
Buck looks like he’s in dreamland, he watches you park your bike and take off your helmet, shaking out your long pink hair. The sun is shining just for you today he’s sure, the rays illuminating your glowing skin. And boy are you showing quite a bit of it. Your shorts are so tiny Buck isn’t even sure you’re wearing any underneath the sweatshirt you use for riding. You pull that off too and lay it across your seat. His eyes are glued to the orange cropped tank top and how cute it looks with your light blue shorts. He wonders if it’s difficult to drive with all your shoes, the white platform sneakers give you a little extra height but he still towers over you and that’s the way he likes it. 
“Hey, wifey,” Buck says sweetly, his voice soft and breathy. Eddie’s mouth drops open as he walks up to you both and Buck snaps out of it, his eyes wide as saucers as he puts his hands up
“No, god, no I mean… uh… hey wiffle ball??” 
“What” Eddie says under his breath, looking at Buck like he’s crazy. You bite your lip and shake your head trying to control your giggles as the boys lead you inside the station 
“Hey, volleyball?” 
“That’s… that’s not even the same category,” Eddie says, his face scrunched up as he puts his hands in his pockets 
“And you can do better?” You sass him, your hands on your hips. 
“Uh yeah. Pickle ball? Cricket? Dare I say, baseball?” 
“Wait, why cricket?” Buck asks 
“Because there’s a ball and a bat are you guys actually criticizing my thinking skills” 
“I’m just saying it’s kinda out there” You poke at him 
“Yeah, what are we? British?” Buck scoffs and you giggle when Eddie kicks your shoe and flicks Bucks's arm in pure annoyance 
“Why are you even here?” He says through gritted teeth playfully and you laugh, side-bumping him.
“Athena asked me to deliver some paperwork Bobby forgot to fill out” 
“Oh doesn’t she usually do that?” Buck tilts his head and wow he looks cute when he does that. You blush a little and look at your shoes for a second 
“Yeah, but she said I might have more fun” 
“Uh I walked in on them last time” Eddie gags “I don’t think you’ll have more fun”
“I mean she could, I know a great closet” 
Buck just says it, it’s a good joke, a great joke. Your mouth falls open and Eddie slaps his hand over his mouth gleefully 
“Oh my god” 
Buck looks confused for a second “Wha…” His eyes widen and he puts his hands out “Wait no! No, I was kidding! Well, I mean if you-“ He smirks, running his hand through his hair 
“Buck!” Eddie shouts 
You’re all out laughing now as Buck turns a wonderful shade of red 
“I just- I mean it’s not off limits you know it- guys shut up!!! It was a joke!” 
“What was a joke?” Bobby comes over, confused as to why you’re here and why Buck is trying to find the nearest ax 
“Pickleball” Eddie blurts out and you nearly keel over, wheezing. His excuses were not his best today. 
“We uh we gotta go” Eddie grabs Buck, who is holding his head in his hands whining loudly, and drags him away 
“Bye Y/N! See you later!”
Bobby watches them run away, his eyebrow raised 
“You’re not talking to either of them are you?” He asks and you roll your eyes and wipe at the little tears 
“No… we’re just friends Bobby. And they’re nice! I like hanging out with them”
“You’ve gone out with them?” He crosses his arms over his chest and you blush lightly 
“Uh… yeah? J- just to hang out and get to know them. I don’t have any friends in L.A Bobby you know that”
“You have May! She’s a great girl! She can introduce you to all of her friends”
“Bobby, we barely know each other anymore. We haven’t done anything together since we were literal children. And you know, whilst she has offered to take me out next weekend and introduce me to her friends, she and I have already decided that I’m not sticking around that friend group unless it’s an occasional hangout. Those are her friends and her life. So until she and I get closer…neither of us are letting you and Athena force us together.”
Bobby looks at you, struggling for words. He puts his hands on his hips sassily
“You know. You two don’t have to make that much sense. Just- I love Buck and Eddie don’t get me wrong. They’re my kids! But promise me you’ll be careful. Because if someone asked me who I would let my kid date from the team I would absolutely say none of these people” 
You giggle and hand him the papers from Athena, standing on your toes you kiss his cheek and wave goodbye 
“I promise I’ll be careful! We’re all just friends!” 
You walk back outside, a little skip in your step as you walk up to your bike. Buck and Eddie are standing next to it 
“You wanna sit on it?” You call you and Buck fist pumps, eagerly climbing on 
“I was hoping you’d say that!” 
You strut over and stand in front of them as Buck leans forward, pretending to be driving. He makes little car noises and you laugh, your hands behind your back 
“Having fun?” You muse and he sits up 
“Uh- yes. What kind of question is that” he scoffs and you roll your eyes 
“You wanna take her for a spin?” You ask coyly and Buck’s mouth drops open 
“Wait seriously? You’d let me?” 
“Of course, I would! I trust you” 
He starts it up, groaning as it purrs for him. He pats the handlebars and you hand him your helmet 
“Hey,, Buck?” Eddie pokes at his shoulder and he looks up
“Yes, bestie”
“We’re literally in the middle of a shift” 
“I’m sorry I can’t understand your accent. It’s too Texasy” 
“I literally don’t-“
“Buck! Get off that thing! You’re at work” Bobby yells at him from the bay doors and he groans loudly, getting off and handing you back your helmet. You take it from him, giggling and shaking your head 
“Maybe some other time… like this weekend or something! Afterwards, we go bowling with Eddie!” 
Eddie looks between the two of you “We’re going bowling?” 
Bucks behind you, signaling him frantically to say no.
“Yeah! Didn’t Buck ask you?” 
Buck clasps his hands together silently begging Eddie
“Ohhh… uh.. yeah! Yeah, I just totally forgot. Um yeah, I can go bowling this weekend!” 
Buck's mouth drops open and he mimes choking Eddie, you spin around and his hands drop to his sides as he smiles at you sweetly 
“Okay cool!! Well, I’ll see you guys this weekend!” You hop on your bike and Buck helps you put your helmet on. He shyly leans in and kisses the top of it 
“Uh- drive safe! Text me when you know you get wherever you’re going. If you want to that is I mean you don’t have to… you’ll probably text like Athena or Bobby or something yeah yeah you don’t have to text me it’s cool”
He steps back from the bike and you shake your head and he knows you’re laughing at him again. You make a little heart with your hands and wave goodbye to them before driving off.
Buck watches you drive off, your sweatshirt fluttering in the wind. He watches until he can’t see you anymore with his hands in his pockets he turns to Eddie 
“I’ll give you a five-second head start”
“Buck. That’s childish can you just-“
“Five”
“Buck, let me explain! When have I never not had a plan come on!”
“Four”
“Buck you can’t be alone with her yet you-“
“Three-two-one!” He shouts and dives for Eddie. Eddie screams and runs towards the station with Buck hot on his heels. He runs around the truck and dodges Hen with a spin 
“That’s cheating and you know it!!”
“Cheating my ass!”
“What on god's green earth are the two of you doing?!” Bobby calls down from the balcony 
“Nothing!” They yell in unison as they run around the station. 
“That doesn’t look like nothing”
“It’s a new training exercise! Just working on stamina!” Eddie yells back, yelping when he feels Buck’s hand brush his belt 
“That the lamest excuse you’ve ever come up with” Hen mumbles as they run past her again 
“Don’t be a snitch” Buck pants and she puts her hands in the air, staying out of their mess
Eventually, Buck corners him, and they’re in the sleeping quarters 
“I’m-“ Buck's hands are on his knees “I’m gonna kick your ass-“ He wheezes “when I can breathe again”
Eddie slumps down in the corner, letting his head fall against the cool wall
“Not if we die first” He pants heavily, running his hands through his hair 
Okay, maybe Buck didn’t think this thing through how is he supposed to kill Eddie if he passes out from lack of oxygen? They take a good six or so minutes to breathe normally again 
“I said yes so that way she could say she was going with both of us not just one of us and then I’d cancel or show up and just say my arm or like back or whatever was hurting so I could just sit back and keep score.”
Buck is laid out on the floor, he looks over at Eddie, his nose scrunched up 
“Wait, why didn’t you just say that?”
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Buck has been staring at the picture you sent him for the last 20 minutes. You’re standing in the full-length mirror at Athena’s house, a little peace sign. You texted him as soon as you got home and after that picture boy does he wish he was better friends with May, he knows she’d “invite” him over. 
He knows it’s just… a little pervy, the way he stares at your thighs in the full-length mirror. He thinks that’s his favorite physical thing about you. Your full, plush thighs, especially in those mini skirts you just love to wear. And these shorts you’re wearing are absolutely no exception. They hug your body like they were tailored to fit you. Actually, he’s pretty sure they are tailored. 
He sighs dreamily hitting the favorites button
“Is that Y/N” 
He jumps so far out of his seat that he fumbles with his phone before slamming it awkwardly into the table 
“Did you just break your phone?!” Hen stares at him 
“I sure as hell hope not! What uh what can I do for you? Need somethin? A smoothie? You want a smoothie I’m gonna make you a smoothie” he runs over to the fridge and starts pulling things out. Hen picks up his phone, looking it over, and thank god it’s not cracked. 
“You didn’t answer my question,” She says, taking his seat and holding out his phone to him. 
“Uh, what question?” He turns on the blender, miming that he can’t hear and Hen crosses her arms over her chest, giving him a look. He smiles sheepishly once it shuts off and pours her smoothie 
“Y-yeah that was her.” He unlocks his phone and hands it over with the smoothie 
“Damn”
“I know!!” Buck squeals he’d joked about proudly showing you off to his coworkers and now he’s actually doing it. 
“She’s a nice girl… Cap knows you’re texting her?” 
“No and neither do you” Buck goes over to his “secret cabinet” pulls out one of his good mini chocolate bars and hands it to Hen. She takes it from him, opens it up, and takes a bite out. She groans softly and her eyes roll back. He always keeps those fully locked up 
“Right?”
“Right.” Hen gives him a double thumbs up and grabs her smoothie
After making sure Hen is gonna stay quiet Buck goes downstairs, there’s literally nothing to do, he’s checked off his entire list and even did the end of Eddie’s. If he’s this bored… Hopefully, someone else is.
“Hello?” You answer on the third ring and he gulps and then clears his throat 
“Uh hey! Hey Y/N it’s me, Buck” 
“I know” you giggle “What’s up?” 
“Oh…nothin just wanted to see if you were busy or anything…kinda boring around here”
“Did you call me just to talk?” You ask and his cheeks flush. Because yeah but like that sounds lame he could have just texted you. 
“…Maybe?” His voice is hesitant and cracks a little. Oh my god why was that happening so freaking much 
“That’s really cute” You laugh and he hears you rustling around for a minute. “Athena is sending me back out on an errand run with May… but we can text! If you wanted” 
“Yeah no! No texting is fine! I should have probably asked if you were busy first… I’m yeah no I’m sorry we can text”
“No it’s okay, I…like hearing your voice” You mutter shyly and he can hear May snickering in the background. His cheeks flush and he bites his lip 
“You do?” 
“Y-yeah I do” 
“Well good… I like hearing yours too, like, a lot” He admits, his heart is pounding in his chest 
“I have to go but, call me back tonight okay? Like…around midnight? When um-“
“When Bobby is asleep?” He says mischievously and it’s your turn to blush 
“Yeah… will you?” He can hear the hesitancy in your voice and it makes him weak, he just wants to kiss you breathless so badly. 
“It’s a date. I’ll talk to you later doll” 
“You better text me too, Bye Evan”
He hears May teasing you as you curse at her and hang up, he holds his phone to his chest, wilting into his seat and sighing sweetly. Midnight can’t come fast enough. 
The rest of the day drags and not just because he’s waiting to get off but because there’s literally nothing to do, which is the most surprising part. Really he supposes he should be glad nothing is happening, that means people are safe… besides 
It just gives him more time to talk to you. 
And boy does he, he starts slow with his memes, you have to kinda ease people into your insanity. But the second you send an Optimus Prime thirst trap on TikTok all decency and manners fly out the window and you’re both trying to send each other the worst things you’ve ever seen 
He’s falling faster and faster for you. Just call him Princess Buck. 
“What are you laughing at?” Eddie comes over, lifting Bucks legs up and plopping on the couch with him
“Um…nothin” he mumbles, distracted as he laughs into his fist at the Nick Fox thirst trap he’s sending you “don’t worry I’ve been sending them to you too”
“I already regret being your friend. Who else did you send them to?” He toys with Buck’s pant leg 
“Um… Y/N we’re just…talking” 
Eddie hears the click of a camera and he frowns, looking at Buck who shrugs and doesn’t look away from his phone 
“We’re also snapping” 
“Snapping? You sound like a teenager” He chuckles but puts his feet up on the coffee table and scrolls through his phone too 
“Teens use Instagram nowadays, old ass man. I asked for her snap just to see pictures of her, I just- god hold on” 
He pulls up the picture from earlier and hands his phone over. Eddie lets out a low whistle and Buck wriggles on the couch 
“God I know right! I don’t care if she suffocates me, I’d die happily” He says and Eddie laughs at him, his head falling back on the couch 
“Yeah. You know a closet” 
Buck groans and slaps his hands over his face 
“I can’t believe I said that to her” 
“She thought it was funny” 
“Okay but low-key? I wish she would have like said bet or something”
“I’m pretty sure you would have passed out” 
“Oh I know I would have and she could have given me mouth to mouth”
Eddie rolls his eyes, laughing at Buck again 
“You’ve got it bad my man” 
“Oh you have no damn idea” 
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It’s around 10pm when a call comes in, and Buck is always too distracted by the voice message you sent him to get his stuff on. Eddie swipes the phone from his hands and glares at him, He blushes and gets his stuff on almost faster than he ever has and snatches it back, patting Eddie on the cheek before they load into the truck 
“Apparently a bonfire in a kids backyard got a bit out of hand, everyone be ready to possibly have to cut line but there should already be another team there doing it. Be advised the house is on fire but it’s small for now”
Athena is already there, with a few drunk people in her backseat. She’s talking to someone quite animatedly, her voice is low. 
“Everything oka- May??” Bobby stops, looking between them. Athena stands back, her hands on her hips
“Where’s Y/N?” He asks immediately and May sighs loudly 
“I don’t know. I’ve tried to say it a million times I don’t know! The fire broke out and we got separated!” 
“I’ve tried contacting her but she isn’t answering” Athena looks like she’s ready to rip her hair out. Bobby puts his hands on her shoulders, his voice is full of worry as he kisses her forehead 
“Hey, we’re gonna find her okay? I promise” 
“She’s here for a couple days and I’ve already lost her.”
“You didn’t lose her mom, I did. I should have kept a better eye on her! But she said she’d be okay! And Crystal wanted to show me something and-“ She starts up and Athena sighs, hugging her
“It’s not your fault baby, Y/N is an adult. You were both right, she can take care of herself”
Bobby walks over to Eddie and Buck who are hosing down a section of the yard 
“You two have Y/N’s number right? Can you call her real quick?”
“Uh, yeah sure.” Buck shrugs and pulls out his phone, it takes a second with all his stuff on. 
Bobby takes the hose from him and stands behind Eddie
“Everything okay?” Eddie asks, looking back at him and he shrugs 
“Yeah… just uh. Just call, Buck” 
It rings six times which is the longest its ever taken you to answer 
“Hello?” Your voice is so small it takes him aback. 
“Uh hey, hey Y/N”
Bobby perks up, motioning to keep her talking 
“Where- where are you? You sound funny” He walks away a little, so he can hear you better 
“I’m-” you hesitate and Bucks anxiety skyrockets
“I’m a firefighter Y/N, you can tell me anything” He says soothingly, his voice dropping an octave 
“I’m in the house”
“Where in the house” He turns to it and starts running, the fire is slowing down but not nearly enough. He mutes his phone for a second and alerts everyone on the radios 
“It’s- it’s so stupid”
He stops, smashing the unmute button
“Y/N, please. Fuck, the house is on fire. You do realize that right?!” 
“It’s what?! I-I’m locked in a closet in the basement. N-nothings happening down here!”
“Alright, I’m coming to get you okay? I’m coming, baby” 
He doesn’t even have time to cringe at himself as he runs into the house, Hen and another couple of guys are already shutting doors and putting some of the smaller fires out but it’s definitely staying consistent 
“Where’s the basement?!” He asks you, panting slightly as he frantically looks around
“The kitchen, there’s a doorway” 
He hangs up the phone and shoves it in his pocket
“Y/N??” He yells for you, panic seeping through his veins 
“Have you found her?” Bobby radios him “do you need help?”
“Buck??? Buck, I’m in here!!” You’re pounding on the door as hard as you can to get his attention 
“I’ve got her! I found her!” He calls into the radio as he runs over to the door 
“Y/N? Is there anywhere you can stand to the left or right, away from the door?” 
“I think so?!” You back up into the corner as far as you can, pressing yourself against the wall
“Alright! What now?”
Buck readies his ax, holding it in his hands
“Now I channel my inner Jack Torrance!” 
You shriek as the ax breaks through the door and he begins to create an opening for you. He breaks into the door easily…if he’s being honest he probably could have kicked it in… but this was more fun. 
“Don’t you dare” you say as soon as there’s a clear small hole
“When am I ever going to be able to say it with someone who would actually laugh about it in a completely unprofessional way!!” 
You groan and duck down more as a few wood chips fly
“…Fine!” 
Buck goes just a teeny bit crazy with the axe, most of the fire has been contained so he takes a little more time than necessary. He gleefully smashes the door down, laughing maniacally while screaming “Here’s Johnny!” 
You do laugh, because it’s stupid and it’s so Buck, and watching him enjoying himself is cute. As soon as the hole is big enough for you, you step through and he yanks you into his chest immediately, you let out a little squeak and hold onto him 
“What the hell were you doing in there? You could have died!” 
“I didn’t know! I tried calling May but she didn’t answer the phone and… and I didn’t want to call you and-“
“Wait, why didn’t you wanna call me??” Buck pushes you back a little just by your shoulders and you look down at your feet. He tilts your head up and that’s when he realizes your makeup is a bit ruined. He chalked it up to the heat…but you said there wasn’t any 
“Why didn’t you want to call me? Did something happen?” He asks a little calmer this time
“We should get out of here. The building could collapse” you quickly change the subject and try to pull away from him but he stops you. He bends down to your eye level and forces you to look him in the eyes 
“It’s structurally sound. Trust me. Y/N what happened.”  
You look down at your shoes, wringing your hands together and sighing 
“It’s… childish” 
“No it isn’t. Just tell me.” His voice is firm and he looks upset, you groan and let your head fall back before looking at him again 
“These girls asked me to go downstairs and get some extra buckets from the closet and then they pushed me in and locked the door. Apparently, I was chatting up one of their boyfriends, I didn’t know! I just- I saw his shoes and they were cool and then he told me they were custom from Etsy and I asked for the shop!! And he was so nice Buck, genuinely he was! He asked for my number just to send the link!” 
You unlock your phone and show it to him, the number isn’t even saved, just a link with a little smiley face and a “Demon Slayer shoes” and that’s it. 
“I…I tried calling May and she didn’t answer.. and I was locked in this stupid closet like I was a teenager again or something so I just…put my phone on silent and cried. And I didn’t want to call you because I would seem like such a baby. Like who still locks people in closets!” 
Buck listens to your story and he looks pissed. First of all, no one hurts his baby. Second of all… you could have died if you hadn’t picked up the phone when he called, and you almost didn’t. 
Buck does what any sensible man would do in this situation, he stands up tall, looks around for a moment 
And he kisses you. 
It’s sweet and lingering, he tilts your head up and presses his lips to yours gently. He watches the way your eyes close slowly and you kiss him back and he wishes he could just stay there forever but eventually you have to breathe and he makes you pull away, not him. 
“You want me to go find them?” He spins the ax in his hand and you snicker, shoving at his chest 
“Absolutely, let’s commit murder together!” 
“Sounds good to me sweetness” He winks and you roll your eyes, pulling away from him. He frowns a little at the loss of contact but shakes it off 
“We should probably get out of here, your family is going insane… May is really upset” 
He takes his helmet off and puts it on your head and you giggle while holding it down to tilt your head up 
“Yeah okay” 
He holds out his hand and you take it, he starts to lead you upstairs but you stop for a second, planting your feet 
“Whats wr-“
You let go of his hand and rush past him, going up a few steps and turning around to kiss him. It’s quicker this time, just a peck and he’s spiraling immediately, giggling deliriously as you jog up the stairs pulling him with you now 
The second you step out of the house, Athena is on you, frantically checking you over before crushing you in a hug, May is crying and promising she’ll never leave you alone again and you’re hugging her, trying to console her. Buck takes this time to step away and go find Eddie, you give him a little wave over May’s shoulder and he blushes, waving back. 
He nearly crashes into Eddie when he finally spots him, going running over. He’s standing in front of the truck securing the hoses 
“Eddie Eddie Eddie Eddie” His voice is high pitched and his hands are shaking. He grabs Eddie’s shoulders and starts shaking him
“Buck calm down!” He’s laughing as he pushes him back a bit, he hands him a bottle of water and Buck takes it , chugging it before tossing it into the trash 
“I can’t, oh my god I can’t, guess what?!” He squeals and Eddie snorts, shaking his head 
“What?”
“We kissed. We kissed, we kissed, we kissed!!!” He practically screams the last one and Eddie yanks him over to the other side of the truck shushing him 
“Okay- first of all, calm down. Because everyone is going to know who you kissed. What happened???”
Buck can hardly contain himself, he holds tightly onto Eddie’s arms just to keep himself from floating off into the clouds 
“Okay well she told me about these girls that bullied her and locked her in a closet. How freaking 90s teen movies is that!! And she didn’t want to call me because she thought that would make her seem like a baby but she’s not a baby Eddie she’s really not and she was starting to tear up and I couldn’t stand to see her cry so I just kissed her!!”
Buck is speaking at a million miles an hour and Eddie is nodding his head along just trying to follow his story 
“No she’s not a baby, but oh my god she could have died”
“That’s what I told her!!! And then guess what oh my god Eddie guess what”
“What?” Eddie chuckles a little at his enthusiasm, it’s endearing 
“I put my helmet on her to make her smile and it worked and I held her hand-“ His voice is becoming squeaky again “and then she let go of my hand and I was like-“ he gasps “what if I went too far??” 
“Because randomly kissing her wasn’t far but holding her hand was” Eddie says sarcastically 
“Exactly!!!” Buck points at him and he squints but goes along with it 
“She went up the stairs because you know she’s short as hell, and she kissed me again” 
Eddie’s mouth drops open and Buck literally starts jumping up and down, he does a little spin, dancing around before shaking Eddie 
“Yeah!!!!”
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i love my brother
but i feel like he’s a little black and white when it comes to gender identity- which is bizarre as he’s a trans guy
i’ve changed pronouns/gender identity/sexuality a lot because idk i’m younger and trying to figure out who i am and what feels right- and he calls me the most “inconsistent person he knows”
which kinda sucks
he told me he talked to my mom apparently about how i’d benefit from just calling myself genderfluid and i have two problems with that
1) i’m not out to my mom. i love my mom and she’s so supportive but i don’t want to come out until im sure because i don’t wanna change it up on her all the time. looks like he did that for me tho
2) genderfluid doesn’t feel right to me- at least right now. it’s not my label. i’m nonbinary/genderqueer atm and i don’t wanna change because of how he thinks i should identify
there’s also the added layer that he and his girlfriend are t4t- his partner was nonbinary for a long time and now they use they/she pronouns and identify as a fem nonbinary- WHICH IS SO COOL
but that means both of their gender experiences were a bit more binary- both leaning heavily away from their agab. i think because i still like feminine things (this convo arose last night because i showed him the swimsuit i was gonna get) and im not the more common “nonbinary androgynous” presenting person- or because i don’t lean fully away from more “feminine” things- he doesn’t really understand?
i think in his mind enby is either dressing masc if you’re afab or fem if you’re amab- or the like short hair, baggy clothes, genderless being aesthetic shown in media when it comes to enby people
and all the power to them! they’re valid and amazing as who they are, but when that becomes The Look for nonbinary people it can affect peoples acceptance of enbies who aren’t like that or can’t afford to be because of money, their home life, etc.
all this is sorta to say that you don’t have to listen to what the older queer people around you think you “should be” or what it “sounds like you are” even people who’ve been in the queer community longer have had different experiences than you- and shouldn’t dictate your interpretation of your own identity
also don’t feel bad about being inconsistent!! ever!!! i like telling myself:
maybe it is a phase but it’s not just a phase. it’s the phase i’m in and i deserve to explore it and have it be respected and feel valid, even if it changes
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reilleclan-blog · 18 hours
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I just listened to a song talking about "keep quiet ur fears are too loud" and I can't get it out of my head. For one ppl are so fucking creative and two it set my stomach on fire cause I want to sing I want to experience shit. And I want to not always feel lonely as much as I do. But I have to work I can't even get a dumbass apartment cause I was 4K short of money I made. I can't feel loved I don't feel it from family never really did. The neglect out wayed everything else. And I'm still trying to get over so much. I visited my brothers a few days ago and some part of me feels like I'll be left by them. Then my mind started spiraling what if they struggled with stuff but I wasn't strong enough to help and support them. I'd rather be the one hurt than them. Yeah I know I'm letting my anxiety take over I can't not think about certain stuff I just push it away before the thoughts get too bad. Anyways I wish I could see them more often I miss them all the time. They are brothers from my dad side but we grew up like we had the same parents or tried too.
And honestly the song reminded me of Ellie being traumatized I kinda wish there was more times that showed her "in distress" maybe I sound like a sick fuck for saying that, but yeah tlou is wild. I'd say for the ppl that don't like heavy stories like that AT LEAST play it one good time.
Anyways I guess I'm done typing out my fears and wants for the night, my soul yearns for something idk what it is to fulfill her. What does she want :) lol idk but I know life can be taken away from me at any second so I'm just taking it a day at a time and I could still say I did my best I did what I could with how many obstacles were thrown at me . Ngl tlou and cyberpunk still make me feel so emo especially cyberpunk. That shit had me fucked all the way up after the dlc I love the game dearly but I'd really like a break. It's been 5months? Since I touched the game fully putting hours into it. I was planning to do a "evil " playthrough for PL ;-; I still miss my gf songbird also I'm sad a mutual deactivated their account I loved their so mi content a lot :,/
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crushedsweets · 1 day
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How did you start your au? Did you make the sites and add little bits as you went or just info dumped onto a page one day after daydreaming it all😂
Ok short answer: I added bits and pieces as I went over the last year, usually in response to anons asking questions!
Long answer: this is actually a kind of funny progression (to me) so imma talk about the last 5 years
When I was 14 I got back into CRP after a 4 yr break . Immediately started writing a Toby x reader. The plot was basically reader is getting haunted(inspired by middle school OCS), slenderman makes Proxies deal with paranormal, Toby targeted her.. never even got romantic he was just stalking and she was crying💀 BUT THAT BECAME THE BASE FOR WHAT SLENDY DOES IN MY CURRENT AU!!! That fic even had Jane and Sally being mother-daughter figures!!
Then I stopped doing the fic until I was 18 and found it again and reread it all and was like omfg I miss them. So I started drawing the characters more often and making stories in my head on how they met, all surrounding slendy stopping paranormal stuff.
Then I made my tumblr blog June 2023!!! I started getting asks about my headcanons, so I’d just create the answer on the spot. Then my anons would ask about random stuff I mentioned in my rambles (species, maps, housing, relationships, how slendy worked, etc) which forced me to do a lot of world building that I decided to shove onto my website July/August 2023!
A lot of it is me daydreaming my AU, but legitimately it’s mostly built cuz my anons had hella questions and I am endlessly grateful for them being interested enough to force me to figure details out 💀 i feel so bad how many anons I neglect now LOL I’m a bit overwhelmed
My plan back in 2023 august was to make a visual novel to share my entire AU in story formst, but… evidently I didn’t…
Also off topic but I think it’s funny how Bonnie kinda derived from my middle school OCs and the reader of that old 2018 fic and the MC of the visual novel I was planning 💀 that bitch was floating around in concept for yeaaarsss…
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starry-bi-sky · 8 months
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Childhood Friends Au: Danny's in Gotham Again
when the wool is off your eyes you'll stop counting sheep at night cause you'll eat your fill of them during the daytime
A few weeks after Danny’s visit to Gotham, he buys an apartment in the city. It’s this little thing, a studio apartment on the same street he grew up in. In Crime Alley. When he tells his parents, they protest heavily. They don’t think it's safe. They think he should reconsider. There were plenty of apartments and places to live somewhere else. And what about college? 
Danny doesn’t think he’ll go to college. He isn’t sure what he wants to do, now that being an astronaut is off the table. It’d be a waste of money to go without a goal in mind, he thinks. He says he’ll take a gap year and apply at one of the community colleges funded by the Wayne Corporation, possibly. It just wasn’t in the cards right now. 
“If things get tough,” He says at dinner that night, “then I can talk to the Waynes. I’m friends with the family, remember?” He ended up getting Bruce’s number in his phone again before he left, and in the process got Tim’s as well. They don’t talk much, Danny isn’t sure what to say. But he sends Tim memes whenever he comes across one and thinks he’ll like. Tim sends memes back in return.   
His parents do remember. They remember. They also remember the horrified shriek that echoed through the house when Danny learned of Jason’s passing. They remember running up the stairs and bursting into their son’s room and finding him sobbing into his bed, curled up like a little kid, like he was in pain. He lost his voice that day, stuck between screaming out his grief and sobbing it. 
They’re still not sure if they should let him go. 
In the end, Danny wins them out, and he lets them help him search for an apartment. They take a break from their lab work to help search for cheap furniture to buy. They may have more money than when they were in Gotham, but that frugal part of you never fully goes away. They all agree that they don’t want Danny to be seen carrying in nice-looking furniture when he moves in. 
He ends up with a basic furniture set, all mismatched, and in the warm summer of June, his parents rent out a u-haul and drive him down to Gotham to move in. They meet the landlord when they arrive, a skinny and frail old man with wispy white hair and a wrinkled face. He gives Danny the keys and tells him what apartment number he is, and then he leaves. 
His parents help him move in. They help him carry his heavy furniture up to the second floor, where his apartment is. Danny isn’t sure if he wants them to help. His mom and dad are strong, but they are getting old, closer to their fifties now that their children are grown. His dad’s hair is slowly beginning to thin, and rather than the white eating at the sides of his head, it now streaks through his hair like salt-and-pepper. His mom’s hair is graying out too, and there are more lines in their faces than he remembers there being. 
When he voices his concerns, his mom laughs spiritedly and says that they may be getting old, but they are still as spry as when they were in their twenties. Danny isn’t sure if he believes them or not. He can see his dad struggle a bit when they return to get his bed frame, and they have to take a break before they go back down for the rest of their things. 
Five years ago, his dad could do this without breaking a sweat. It forces a heavy thing in the back of Danny’s throat. (He is less afraid of his own death than he is of his loved ones, and while he has always felt rocky with his parents, he still loves them more than anything else.) 
Danny’s apartment is exactly as he would have expected it to be: shabby and worn through. The entire room smells like stale cigarette smoke and weed, nicotine stains the wall with poorly covered bullet holes, and stains in the carpet that are a color he can’t discern. The fridge has a broken light and when he tries to turn on the gas stove, it click-click-clicks before lighting, fire fwooshing out while the smell of gas fills the air. There’s rat droppings in the cupboards and the closet-like bathroom is just as bad. 
The ghostly part of him can sense the heavy stench of death in the room; people have died in this room. People have died in every room of this building, he thinks. They have died on the streets outside and in the alleys squeezed between them. He can feel it like a heavy fog in the air. 
It is painfully nostalgic, a bittersweet feeling in his chest that he grimaces to. 
When the last box is placed in his apartment, his parents offer to help unpack. They are hesitant to leave and Danny knows it, although he doesn’t know if it’s from empty nest syndrome or because it's Gotham. He thinks it might be both. He is their youngest child finally leaving home to a city known for its danger. 
“Are you sure you don’t want us to stay behind, sweetie?” His mother asks, a frown she tries to hide settled in the creases of her face. She fiddles with her hands, a nervous habit Danny has since noticed when she feels truly unsure and doesn’t need to hide it. Hesitancy looms over her like a heavy cloud. 
His dad jumps in hastily, splaying his hands and smiling painfully wide to hide the glistening in his eyes. “You’re mother’s right! We can help you get everything set up, champ. I could probably do something with that stove of yours to make it faster!” He says, his voice still booming like it always does even if there’s a stumble in his words. 
It makes his heart squeeze, knowing just how much they care. It was hard last summer, telling him that he was the Phantom. Terrifying, actually. They couldn’t comprehend it. He hadn’t felt his heart beat that fast in years when he stood in front of them at the kitchen table and told them he was a halfa, begging them to believe that ghosts weren’t inherently evil. 
His parents were people of science, however, and after much, much shock, they slowly came to terms with it. How could they not? The evidence was right in front of them. Their son was dead-alive, alive-dead. Somewhere stuck in the between. The tears they shed that night could fill a river, moving from the kitchen to the living room as Danny explains how he died. 
(When Danny tells them that he died after a week Jason did, his mom and dad look horrified. His mom covers her mouth when he adds that it was his idea to go inside it, his dad looks ashy pale, gripping his pant legs so tight that his knuckles turn white. There is a conclusion coming to their minds that he can tell they don’t like.) 
(“You’ve always hated our inventions, Danny.” Mom says in a hushed voice, and Danny winces at the wording, sinking into the back of the cushions in shame. He never thought that his parents noticed. Mom quickly grabs his arm, “No, no, there’s nothing to be ashamed of Danny. We were… perhaps too careless with our inventions, too enthusiastic. You had every right to hate the things we made when they had a tendency to… to malfunction.”) 
(Malfunction is a delicate way of putting it, when Danny remembers every time they had to evacuate their old apartment complex because whatever half-baked creation his parents made inevitably blew up into ash and smoke. There were soot marks permanently stained into the ceiling.) 
(Her hand slides down and grabs his, and she cups it in both of her hands, squeezing tightly. He forces himself to look up, and there is a look like her heart breaking when he looks into his mother’s eyes. “You’ve always avoided the lab after we moved, Danny. And you had every right to, so why on Earth did you ever think about going into the portal?”)
(Danny struggles to come up with an adequate answer, a way to verbalize what came over him that day five years ago. The answer is there, hanging in the air like a knot in a noose. He opens his mouth, and then closes it.)
(Finally, with a tongue made of lead, he shrugs lamely and looks away. “I didn’t know there was an on button inside it.” He mumbles, and despite being the truth it feels like a lie. But that is the truth. He didn’t know there was an on button inside it. So he didn’t care what happened.)
(Something dulls in mom’s eyes, like she thought of something else that Danny hadn’t said. Her eyes shimmer, and she squeezes them shut, breathing in so deep that it shakes. And then she pulls him into a hug, a hand burying into his hair and pressing him close. “It must have hurt so much, sweetheart. I’m so sorry.”)
(It is something that Danny doesn’t expect her to say, like missing the last step of the stairs. It startles him so much he laughs this short, bark of a thing. He feels his dad press against his back and wrap his big arms around them, his nose pushed into his hair.) 
(Because yeah. Yeah, it did hurt. It hurt more than anything else he’s ever felt before. It had torn him apart and sewn him back together again, only to rinse and repeat. The pain was nothing he ever spoke to Sam or Tucker about, and it was something they never brought up. No, that’s not true. If they ever brought it up, Tucker would call it a zap. As if Danny only experienced a mild static shock. Like it was painless. It’s a pretty lie that Danny lets him and Sam believe.)
(His eyes sting and water immediately wobbles into his vision, coming up with such a force that he doesn’t even need to blink before it spills over. “Yeah.” He forces out, voice unexpectedly rough and cracking. “Yeah, it- it hurt. A lot.”)
He tells them about fighting the Lunch Lady a month later. He tells them about finding Jason. It comes spilling out like a waterfall. “I found him, mom.” He says, holding onto her tight while she keeps him tucked under his chin like a little kid. The secret of Jason being Robin stays hidden under his tongue, it is not his secret to tell. Not his identity to expose. He grips her tighter. “I found him, mom. Right there in the Ghost Zone, and he was my Jason. He wasn’t an echo or a— an imprint of him.”
Mom is silent; quiet and attentive, and so is dad, who rubs his large hands up and down Danny’s spine in an attempt to soothe him. It only works a little. Danny breathes in like a gasp as the urge to cry overcomes him again. He always avoids talking about Jason, his grief is like a never-healing scab that can be picked off at any time. It is ingrained into his core. 
“And then I lost him.” He forces out, a sob layering under his words that he chokes on and swallows. The hand on his back stills, and he can feel mom and dad breathe in like a question. He turns his head and pushes it into mom’s shoulder. “He disappeared, mom. Just— just gone.”
“And he didn’t move on.” He says, voice snarling like teeth biting before his mom can ask, because he knows that’s what she was going to ask. It’s what Sam and Tucker asked when he came to them in tears hours after he found Jason gone. It’s what Jazz said when he finally told her about it. It’s what every one of his ghosts asked when he told them about it and begged for their help. 
Danny grits his teeth and tries not to dig his nails into mom’s clothes as a fresh wave of tears run down his face. “His haunt is still there. If Jason really moved on it would have disappeared with him. That’s how it works. But it’s still in the zone, so Jason’s out there I just don’t know where.” 
(Sam once asks him why Danny didn’t just move on from it a year after Jason’s disappearance. She asked him why he didn’t give it up. Danny nearly saw red, and nearly bit her head off for it. It was incomprehensible to him to just stop looking for Jason, to give up. Not when he was out in the zone somewhere. Because he had to be in the zone.)
(Danny once tried to take Jason through the portal with him, and much like what happened to Kitty, it didn’t work. Jason was too tied to the ghost zone to leave.) 
(Some bonds are just unbreakable, he thinks. Bonds forged through blood and time and trust, and when you’re on the streets of Gotham, you hoard what little trust you have in someone like a dragon with its gold. It is scarcely given and fiercely kept.) 
“I’ve been looking for him.” Danny whispers when talking becomes too hard for him, when it runs the risk of him crying. “When- when I’m not fighting ghosts or, or in school or with my friends, I’ve been looking for him.” He has explored the Ghost Zone in every reach he can. He has met so many people. He’s met the ghosts of aliens from planets in every corner of the galaxy. He has met gods or god-like beings and their disciples. 
He’s met famous scholars and writers (he’s gotten the autographs of all of Jason’s favorite writers). He has found entire cities that have so much life in it that it's been permanently etched into the ghost zone, like a mirror version of itself. 
He’s visited the ghostly vision of Gotham so many times, and he avoids the imprint of Wayne Manor like the plague. There are ghostly newspapers that he reads. There are the ghosts of Martha and Thomas Wayne in many of them. 
Jason’s haunt connects to Wayne Manor, but it is also the street they grew up in. It is a small brick building with a door that leads to Jason’s room. A ghost knows when someone enters their haunt, it alerts them like a doorbell in the back of their mind. A foreign ecto-signature in a place drenched in your own. 
Danny visits it every time he goes into the Ghost Zone. It’s always his first stop. 
He tells his parents all of it. He tells them of the ghosts he’s met, of the places he’s seen. And when he feels brave, he tells them about Rath and the terror that his future self brings him. He keeps some details hidden, the ones that he can afford to keep without muddling up the story. 
(Rath is a tall, spindly thing, like a funhouse mirror version of Danny himself. He has arms that are much too long and legs that are much too tall, with skinny fingers that extend into claws.He wears his suit the same as Danny does, with it partially undone and the sleeves wrapped around his waist.)
(There is a black hole in his chest that is much bigger than Danny’s own. It takes up his chest cavity and drips the same, viscous black liquid as the tears falling from his eyes. Danny never forgets his voice; a scraping, quiet thing like he’s screamed himself hoarse. Rath has a voice like goosebumps, and it haunts Danny like a bump in the night.) 
Danny speaks and speaks and speaks until he can’t think of anything else to speak of. He is tired and sad, and it feels like his heart has been ripped out and rubbed raw again. And yet, he also feels so much better. Like a long heavy weight has been taken off his chest. 
Yeah, last summer was hard. His parents walked on eggshells around him, and they forced themselves to unlearn their bias of ghosts. It was more than Danny could have ever dreamed of, and when they felt ready for it, they asked him more about the ghost zone.
He smiles sadly at his dad, “I think fixing the stove can be a priority another time, dad.” He says, watching him wilt and his smile fall. Jack Fenton was always so good at making himself look like a kicked puppy. “I can handle unpacking by myself, I promise.” 
His parents still look so unsure, like they want to argue. Danny watches his mom purse her lips tightly, confliction running across her face like a datastream. She takes dad’s hand, squeezing their fingers together despite the droop in her shoulders. 
“Oh, alright then, I suppose.” She relents, her hand placing on Jack’s arm. “I guess we could go, we’re just going to miss you so much, Danny.” 
Tears seem to have won over his dad, and Jack Fenton sniffs back before he can cry properly. “Our little boy, all grown up.” He says, voice wobbling. It makes Danny laugh, and it makes his heart pang. His smile grows impossibly wider and so much fonder. “You’ve become such a kind, wonderful young man, Danno. We’re so proud of you.” 
Danny laughs again, and it cracks. “You’re gonna make me cry, dad.” (He feels a welling of guilt in his gut that he ignores — he doesn’t feel like a kind man. He doesn’t feel like a good one either. Not with what he plans to do.) 
His father holds out his arms in hopefulness, “One last hug for your old man before we head out?” He asks, mustering up a smile on his face. 
Danny barrels into him, nearly knocking his dad over with an oomph. He’s as tall as him now, but he still feels little in his bear hugs. With arms wrapping around his middle, Danny hugs his father tight and breathes him in one last time. 
“Careful there, Danno.” He laughs, patting Danny’s back roughly. “You’ll break my ribs with that ghostly strength of yours!” But he holds on just as tight.
Out of spite, Danny bends back and lifts him off his feet, laughing when Jack tenses up and nearly scrambles out of surprise. His mom laughs with him, stepping back to give them room for the few seconds that dad is in the air. 
When it’s his mom’s turn, Danny has to hunch to hug her. Something bittersweet to him as she plants a kiss on his forehead and says that he’ll always be her baby. “Even if you do have that horrid smoking habit.” She adds on with a disapproving eyebrow raise. 
Danny turns red in embarrassment, and walks them back to the GAV. Gothamites of all kinds slow to stop and boggle at the monstrous, road-illegal thing that is parallel-parked next to the curbside. In the past, Danny would have died with mortification to be seen with it. Now it just makes him laugh. Before he goes back into the apartment building, he buys a newspaper from a nearby convenience store.  
The first thing he does when he gets back up to his room is one: make a mental note to buy a bicycle chain lock for the door. The locks jiggle and there are splinters along the side that show signs of it being broken into in the past. The second thing he does is pull his cigarettes out of his pocket and light one. 
Danny starts to unpack with a cigarette hanging from his mouth, placing the newspaper he bought onto the counter. He has a cheap loveseat that he pushes off to the side, and he moves the boxes into the kitchen. It’s a matter of organization that Danny has to think about before he does anything. 
It’s as he’s pushing the sofa up against the wall facing the windows that his phone rings a familiar tune: Sam. The phone is fished out before he can think about it and when he stares down at the screen, he realizes it's a facetime call. 
He presses answer and walks over to prop his phone up onto the counter. The smiling faces of Sam and Tucker greet him, rather than just Sam. Immediately, Danny grins. “Hey Danny.” Sam greets, smiling a dark-painted lazy thing. From the background it looks like they’re in Tucker’s room. Sam is in Tucker’s desk chair, and Tucker is behind her, leaning against it. “Have you moved in yet?” 
Danny pulls the cigarette from his mouth and huffs, a cloud of smoke following his breath. “Yeah! It’s a shithole.” He grins lopsidedly, and his feet carry him off to the side to allow Sam and Tucker view of his apartment. He lets thirty seconds pass, allowing the both of them to really see the rest of the room. And then he steps back into frame. 
Sam and Tucker both look like they’re trying not to look judgemental, like they’re trying to hide a grimace that Danny sees anyway with the small turns at the corner of their mouths. He grins wider, mirth filling his lungs. “I know, it looks awful doesn’t it?”
“It’s— it’s not so bad.” Sam says with a strain in her voice, a forced smile on her face that tries to be reassuring. Tucker nods along readily, and he looks just as unsure as Sam does. Danny stifles laughter behind his teeth. 
“No, no, it looks bad,” He takes a drag of his cigarette, shaking his head. “You can say it, I won’t get offended. It’s a fucking apartment in crime alley. Of course it looks bad.” 
Sam remains silent, a rearing of her stubbornness showing itself. Tucker takes a different approach, and heaves a dramatic sigh of relief, slumping like a weight. “Okay, you’re right. It looks bad.” He frowns, “Sorry, man.” 
While Danny snorts, Sam sighs. “Yeah, it looks bad. What even are those stains?” She asks, and both she and Tucker lean closer in tandem to the screen, eyes squinting at the floor behind him. Danny glances at the floor, and shrugs. 
“Blood, probably.” He says, and while years in Amity Park have accustomed him to a clean environment, the desensitization of Gotham still remains. Tucker and Sam both make faces and lean away, as if the stain itself was capable of passing through to them. “Yeah, there are bullet holes in the walls.” 
“Are you sure it’s safe to be there?” Tucker asks, a furrow appearing between his brows. He adjusts his glasses and leans against the chair. Sam is frowning heavily, and Danny can already see her thinking up of a new way to fix the problem. 
“Oh, I never said this place was safe.” Danny tells him cheerily, taking a last hit of his cigarette before placing the dead stick onto the counter. He itches for another one. Instead he walks over to the shelf his parents brought in and starts moving it. “It’s Crime Alley, Tuck. Safe isn’t even in its vocabulary.” 
Tucker and Sam look like they’ve both swallowed a lemon.
“But it’s where I want to be right now.” He says, grunting quietly when the shelf is against the wall he wants it to be, near the short hallway leading to the front door. He can push it in front of it if someone tries to break in. “And Crime Alley’s apartments are the only ones I can really afford right now without mooching off my parents, and I’d rather not depend on them.” 
He can hear the disapproving hesitance from where he stands. And he ignores it. 
Danny walks back into frame, lifting up a box onto the counter. He hums lightly, fingers run over the tape keeping it shut. “Why do you even want to be in Gotham, Danny?” Sam asks, and she sounds genuinely perplexed. Danny stills. “I thought this place only had bad memories for you.” 
His blood turns cold, and like a dime being flipped his slow heartbeat fills his ears. “It does.” He replies automatically, before he can think. Shit, shit. He knows that Sam or Tucker would ask that question, and yet he still feels unprepared for it. His heart pulses quickly against his ribcage, knocking, asking him what he’s going to tell them that isn’t the truth. 
Danny stammers, “I mean— I just— I guess I felt nostalgic.” He says, and it sounds like a weak defense. He looks away, finding himself instinctively scratching his jaw. A new tick of his when he’s nervous. From the corner of his eye, he sees Sam and Tucker both narrow their eyes at him. 
He cannot tell them the real reason why he’s moved back to Gotham. He can’t tell them of the little secret and vow he told himself five years ago, the one that’s been left to fester and burn like an open wound close to his core. The one that, if he thinks too much about it, sends a searing hot electricity through him, filling him from crown to toe top-full of direst wrath.  
(Danny was always the angrier one in the duo of Jason and Danny. He was always the one with glass in his mouth, cutting his teeth and tongue so that he could spit blood at the world around them. His knuckles had more blood and bruises on it than skin, once upon a time. All because he couldn’t keep his mouth shut. He has grown from it, that fury has turned to a small simmering candle.) (But sometimes, sometimes it rears its head, and electricity will buzz under Danny’s skin. There is lightning before the thunder, the second before a fist pulled to punch lands, the spark before it becomes a blaze.) 
He stumbles over his words, and then sighs long and low, drooping his head. “I… was thinking that I can’t avoid this place forever.” He says, and the best lies always have the truth in it. Because it’s not a lie, not completely. But it’s not close enough to the truth either. “And that maybe if I came back, I’d be able to do something about those bad memories. Make them better or make it hurt less.” 
Like wool over their eyes, it fools Sam and Tucker. Their narrowed eyes soften, and Danny feels like a snake is in his lungs as they both adopt their own versions of gentleness on their faces. “Oh, Danny.” Sam breathes out, and the snake squeezes, “Of course, we understand.”
Tucker nods, smiling at him. “Yeah, bro, that’s really brave of you. I know it can’t be easy coming back.” He says, “Maybe you can reconnect with the Waynes again, you always thought well of Mister Wayne whenever you came back from visiting.”
Danny smiles weakly, the gesture cutting into his cheeks like a knife. Perhaps he could. He was still upset with Bruce for hiding Jason’s killer from him. But he doesn’t hate him. Maybe five years ago, he did, when the death of Jason was still fresh in his mind and freshly bleeding in his heart. Now he just doesn’t know what to think of him. He was Batman. Jason was Robin, and the Joker killed Robin. 
It would need to be something he’d have to speak to Bruce about in person, he thinks, in order to resolve it. To hear his judgment on it and make an opinion from there. Danny has learned in the last five years, much to Jazz’s smug delight, that talking to people about something he was upset about did make him feel better. 
The conversation slips on from there into something more light, more breathable. And while they talk, Danny unpacks. He sets up his bed in the corner of the room, adjacent to the windows, and unpacks his cheap TV and table stand. It’s directly across from the couch, in front of the windows. He puts up knicks and knacks he’s collected over the years on the shelves.
When he puts up the curtains, he notices that more than one frame jiggles loosely. Sam makes a comment on the musty stains permanently dyed into the glass, and Danny talks about getting something to fix the cracks. Gotham winters can get brutal, and even if he can withstand the cold, doesn’t mean everything else in his apartment can. 
“Oh, watch this.” He says halfway through unpacking, and pulls out a stick of thick white chalk from a box. “This is something I learned from Clockwork a while back; I think he knew I was going to move to Gotham.” He grins sillily, popping into the camera frame to show them. “I wonder how?” 
Sam rolls her eyes, smiling while Tucker huffs. “It’s not like he’s the Master of Time and can see all past, present, and future.” Tucker snarks. 
Danny hums lightly, curt like he isn’t sure he believes Tucker, and walks to a piece of bare wall not yet blocked by furniture. He starts to draw on it. The chalk shimmers with faint ectoplasm on the wall. 
“Uhh…” Tucker’s voice cuts through, “Are you sure you should be doing that? Won’t you get in trouble for that?”
“There are bullet holes in the plaster, Tucker.” Danny retorts dryly, arching his hand to make a big circle. “I don’t think the landlord is gonna care if I get washable chalk on his walls.” Inside the circle, he inscribes the symbols of the Infinite Realms. “I don’t think he’d be able to see it anyways, he was really old.” 
When he is done, Danny steps back to admire his work. It’s not bad, he thinks, for a lack of practice. He tosses the chalk off to the side, it lands on the couch and rolls back into the cushions. Ectoplasm heats under his hand, slowly glowing from his fingertips before stretching down the rest of his palm. 
Danny’s fingers press against the wall, into the center of the circle. The result is immediate, ectoplasm is siphoned off his hand and into the circle. It glows, and then swirls. He steps off to the side for Sam and Tucker to watch its transformation. The circle fills with a swirling pool of ectoplasm, like a smaller version of the basement portal, and then it warps and stretches. 
It fills out a rectangular shape, shifting like taffy being pulled this way and that, before settling into a solid shape. It solidifies, and instead of a wall there is a glowing purple door, warped in nature and seemingly shifting like a trick of the eyes. He can hear the gentle hum of the zone standing next to it, and can see the carving of the circle in the wood. 
He gestures dramatically, grinning from ear to ear. “Ta-da~” He sings, “A door to my haunt! For whenever I feel like visiting it.” He pats the wood, making a strange thunk-thunk sound. “And then watch this.” 
Danny touches the circle again, and the door twists and recedes like water going down a drain. The circle flashes bright green, and then fades into nothing on the wall, invisible to the naked eye. “I can hide it whenever I want! So if I ever invite someone over—” which he doubts, “—I won’t have to worry about them asking, ‘Hey Danny? Why is there a creepy fucking door in your studio apartment?’”
He gets a pair of laughs for his efforts, and Danny grins wider. 
Sam and Tucker have to end the call when Danny is nearly done unpacking, leaving him alone with only his thoughts and the Gotham ambience outside. There were only a few boxes left, and they promise to call him tomorrow. He tells them that they better keep that promise. 
The silence that follows after they leave feels somberly, as if the reality of moving in has finally set in and filled the air with its loneliness. With its change. Finally, Danny lets the strangeness of moving back to Gotham hit him when he reaches the last box, and he stops to take another smoke break to let it settle. 
It feels so strange to be back in Gotham, he thinks. He’s all grown up, or almost grown up. He can vote and pay taxes, but he doesn’t feel much older than he was at fourteen. There’s a disconnect that makes him feel sad. 
There are cars running outside, driving by. He can only catch glimpses of them, his apartment faces an alleyway. There are dogs barking in the distance, strays he bets. It’s already dark out, and he wonders if he looks out the window he would see the bat-signal shining through the night and staining the permanent cloud that hangs over Gotham. 
Bruce would be so disappointed if he learned the reason for Danny’s return to Gotham. But Danny’s not here for him. He’s here for someone far more important. And like that, the simmering anger that has tucked itself into the furthest corners of his heart starts slipping through. His heart has teeth, ready to strike and snarl and bite. 
He crushes the cigarette in his hand and throws it away. When he opens the last box, it is with hands that tremble and with a face of stone. With a delicateness he does not feel, he reaches in and pulls a corkboard from the box. On the corner frame is a small, near inconspicuous carving of another ghost rune. 
Danny hangs it up on an empty space on the wall, out of sight from the window. It’s plain, and he has nothing to pin to it. He presses the small rune on the corner, pushing ectoplasm into it. Unlike the door, it does not twist and warp and shape itself into something new. Instead it bursts into green flame, eating away at the board and revealing the same thing underneath it, just in dark blue-black-purple. 
Now this board, this board Danny has something to pin to it. The newspaper he bought earlier sits abandoned on the counter, and Danny unrolls it with something like viciousness in his chest. On the front page is an image of a damaged street, and above it is titled: “JOKER STRIKES AGAIN, 3 DEAD AND 27 INJURED”
Danny rips out the first page, he rips out every mention of him. His hands shake and threaten to crumple the paper as he turns back to the board, there is hot blood pounding in his ears. There is an impending sense of finally in his chest, like a setting sun giving the stage to a starless night. There is a stern set in his jaw, five years of festering rage rushing forth like a tidal wave, threatening to make his vision swim. 
It would be so easy, he thinks, to go out as Phantom right now and hunt the clown down. It would only take a night. All it would take is a night, and then he could sink his hands into the Joker’s chest and rip out his heart where he stood. It would be so easy. 
The thought alone forces Danny to stop as he is hit with another rush of fury, really making his head and vision swim. Thorny vines wrap around his throat, making it hard to breathe. He stares at a spot on the wall until the shaking passes. 
If he wants to be discreet about this, then he can’t do it now. Even if he wants to. He doesn’t want witnesses. He doesn’t want an audience. He made a mistake, telling Red Hood about his plan. He wasn’t sure what he was thinking. Perhaps he wasn’t thinking at all. But he can only hope that the Hood hasn’t mentioned it to Bruce. He knows it hasn’t been long since they started working together. He hopes that the Hood has already forgotten about it. 
He pins the newspaper clippings onto the black-blue-board, and stands back. It’s bare now, but it won’t be forever. 
He presses the circle again, and the pinboard reverts back to its original blank state. 
-----
Was I expecting to make a third part?? No. No I was not. I was also not expecting to make an entire google doc filled with summaries for short story ideas about this au that all tie into each other so that way if i DO continue this i have a skeleton pathway to follow rather than making everything up from scratch and potentially cornering myself
you can find this on ao3 or on tumblr 1 2 :)
#dp x dc#dpxdc#dp x dc crossover#danny fenton is not the ghost king#dpxdc crossover#childhood friends au#cw swearing#cw smoking#im calling them short stories bc if i call them chapters i might intimidate myself#fun fact every single chapter will have a crane wives lyric on it i am DETERMINED#i hope yall are subscribed to this on ao3 bc i almost didnt post this on tumblr#the fentons being good parents were a surprise to me too but also i never really planned on them being BAD parents#okay so they appear as negligent in the first post but we'll just call that a plothole#i had the idea that danny was the angrier one out of the duo earlier today and it felt like an epiphany#there's no guarantee of a next part but yk immm kinda hoping there is#on the docs the ending bullet point for this chapter was#'make it feel like a tv show where the seemingly inconspicuous and friendly character has something sinister up their sleeve'#WE know that danny's not inconspicuous in the least he's been thinking of this murder for the last five years. but nobody but red hood know#i had to come up with a in-story reason why danny doesnt kill the joker NOW but my out-of-story excuse is: there'd be no tension otherwise#its about the BUILD UP. Its about the RISING TENSION. Its about KNOWING that danny is planning to kill the Joker but you dont know WHEN#its about knowing that something is going to explode but never knowing when#i made the doc yesterday and spent my entire pluralism for educators class going thru the crane wives albums and looking up the lyrics and#matching them to the *checks doc* 18 short story prompts i have prepared#i am still missing one :((#its the tim and danny story and i have NOTHING PLANNED FOR THEM. i cant think of a thing for them to bond over :(( so i cant match a CW son#even DICK has a story and that was also a surprise#my favorite lines: He was always the one with glass in his mouth cutting his teeth and tongue so that he could spit blood at the world#aND danny slapping his door like a used car salesman and going 'now people wont ask why i have a creepy fucking door in my studio aptm :)'
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vic-does-battlecats · 13 days
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Walk with me every stage of my life
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Happy late Mother’s Day to Lilyheart
#twigbranch#lilyheart#omen of the stars#a vision of shadows#the broken code#a starless clan#warrior cats#warriors#lilyheart is canonically short and I like to imagine that with her nwme Twigbranch has to be tall. so they’re hilarious to me#I LOVE these two so dearly. lilyheart is a such a good mom to twig#I’d daresay she might be the best protagonist mother tied with Dovewing#twig is very fond of her from books 1-5 of avos#she’s kinda weird and acts as if she doesn’t have much bond w her in book 6 but twig is weirdly harsh all that book (it’s the one where she#-is really bad abt mentoring flypaw and being pressured by finleap so I tend to just attribute her behavior that book to her being stressed#but nonetheless what they do get that’s good is REALLY good#they get to have so much on screen time together and lilyheart is SO fond of her#she reassures twig and sees her as her own daughter 100%#she talks about how she feels she has all her kits back with her when twig rejoins thunderclan <3#she even defends twig from Bramblestar in the first a starless clan book. the Erins very well could have forgotten their relationship-#-but I choose to believe that was on purpose#twig also has a sweet relationshio w ivypool too where ivypool being her first mentor and lilyheart being her adoptive mom come ans-#congradulate her when she finally passes her asssesment. twigbranch is THE found family warrior cat#anyway idea of the piece is lilyheart being there from twig’s kithood (morning) to her being a warrior (night) just through the passage-#of time#and with that the light moves from the left to the right
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thaliasthunder · 1 year
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do u guys think percy likes soccer
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dollopheadedmerlin · 10 months
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Listen, I get Merwaine, I really do
But for me, it is strictly unrequited
Like Merlin, by the time Gwaine becomes a knight, has such tunnel vision for his king (ship, friendship, destiny, whichever version you like) that he wouldn't even bat an eye at Gwaine's advances. Especially since he knows that Gwaine is more loyal to him than to Arthur.
Oddly enough, I think he would be more likely to court someone like Lancelot, because he knows that, for Lancelot, the king and queen come first.
I don't think Merlin could bare to be with someone who didn't see Arthur as more valuable than him.
Because he is so overwhelmed by the need to see Arthur to fruition, that all other value of his life has been sapped away. He equates Arthur with Albion. His life, hell his comfort, is all that Merlin wants for, because if his destiny shan't have revolved around this one man, then the past handful of years was full of suffering and sacrifice for no reason. He has to commit to the idea that Arthur is the answer, and that he will come around to magic without getting hurt, because he's hurt so much already, and Merlin finds himself incapable to harming him, even to further the prosperity of Albion.
Because he's had the chance before! To hurt Arthur! To let him fester in the guilt or the betrayal in order to reach the conclusion that magic isn't the enemy. But Merlin stops him every time because he cannot bear to harm his king. So he lies about Ygraine's ghost. He hesitates to accuse Agravaine. But he just cannot do it. He can't stand for Arthur's pain, even for the sake of the whole kingdom.
At some point along the way, Albion became Arthur. Merlin's goal changed from 'bring magic back' to 'keep Arthur safe, no matter the cost'. And that's why he says to kill Mordred. He cannot see a future in which Arthur returns magic to the land but his destined killer still walks free. He just can't.
So no, he doesn't return Gwaine's affection. He couldn't. Not when he doesn't see how much more valuable Arthur is than anything else that breathes.
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eagans-world · 1 month
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Ladies, gentlemen and other elegant guests.
welcome to
hairstyle struggles!
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nicoscheer · 9 months
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Ending it with Miles 😭🫶🏽🥹 we’re gonna cry so bad.
But also I love this so much cause like obviously the band and the management heard all the hateful ‘fans’ back when they had to cancel Marlay Park because Alex dared to get laryngitis and this; giving them not only one but 3/4 shows with Miles and an access code is so hilarious to me cause like yeah you very fuckin nasty and disgusting but here ya go ya lil shits now what do you say (pretty please) like this makes all those haters look sooo incredibly dumb and childish (like no patience at all obviously they need time to schedule and arrange all the venues and what not, like have some faith in them just lean back and trust) anyways long story short love this move
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I’m having a mental breakdown
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Miles via email
#22/08/2023#holy shit I just woke up#Arctic monkeys#also love that picture of Alex#only Alex could feel so bad about having to cancel one show that he gives us 4 shows 🫶🏽🥹 and Miles#uff the car is not gonna be the first tour without Miles as support/opening act#ending a (near exact) year long tour in Miles’ arms for four days befor riding off into the sunset with him 💅#I would seriously go complete ignoring my bank account but Uni starts literally that week and I can’t miss that first week for my life fuck#Instagram#I can’t wait for their smiles and hugs#all his friends posting bout miles joining AM 🫠😭🥹#I’m counting on Rosie to be mothering and giving us videos backstage of them two#I died dead#how Alex probably returned from his holiday in Italy and then met up with Miles when he had finished his promo tour and they were#just sitting on the settee drinking and chatting and then Alex asks him if Miles would like to join them for Ireland and on both their faces#a gigantic smiles just blooms and they grin at each other like the stupid lovesick idtios that they are before going in for one of their#trademark hugs and just cuddling and whispering to each other what they’ll do in Ireland together and and 😭😭#also like this screams we needed to find a opening act in short notice so we obviously Turned to Miles and that’s so sweet it’s like yeah we#know he’ll always have our back just like we have his#Miles kinda feels like the peace offering here 🤣#also like yes they’ll have endless time after the fourth gig but also before that because the monkeys are done on the 7th in America so they#have an entire week before that first Ireland gig just to practice (new/old songs) and spend time together#okay but hear me out what if: Miles Kane and the death ramps comeback ?!! huh what then
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shoechoe · 3 months
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The eyes and lips are definitely consistently my favorite part of Jojo's art styles. Very pretty. I always really like the detailed shots where you can see them in full quality.
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There has always been a particular allure to me with the way faces are drawn in Jojo- especially the manga. It gives it a very serene and delicate feeling which is interesting for a fighting series. I'd even say this about parts 1-3 to an extent despite everyone being hulkish and otherwise hyper-masculine.
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barkingangelbaby · 4 months
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I feel like such a broken fucking person lol
I talked way too much in the tags don't read them
#fighting off the ideation like my life depends on it!! bc it does!!!#been good about not thinking certain phrases but F U C K am i feeling it. i want to turn into a pile of dust#i am so desperately trying to work on myself and change my patterns and bad habits and perspective but it feels like i always fall short#i try not to talk about it online but I'm just. having a very hard day with N because we experience our feelings in different ways#i isolate myself bc i struggle with regulating my reactions and tones when im having an episode but she needs me to talk through things and#i sometimes just. can't. bc I'm not done experiencing the negativity and am not in a place to have a productive convo bc shame spirals etc#we just spent a long time talking and being patient and i thought i was understanding and explaining myself well but i just. idk.#i don't know how to explain that of course i love her even if I'm isolating myself. of course i love her although I'm nonverbal today. i jus#t can't *make* myself talk when I'm like this i don't want to be nonverbal i don't want to isolate i don't want to be a distant partner i do#n't want to fall back into these patterns related to my grief i want to be better i am trying to be better i am working so fucking hard on#being better. i just feel so defeated bc this all spiraled from me not wanting to decide what to get for lunch n using a poor tone about it#I'm about to talk with her some more but I just. kinda don't want to exist right now. fuck dude. it feels so fucking awful when i upset her#like i love her so much she is so important to me and it breaks my heart that our entire day is shot bc i was tired and cranky#i just don't understand how that equates to me not loving her bc she is my whole world dude. I'm going to throw up#i also don't know how to explain to her that scrolling on tumblr is comfortable to me I'm not ignoring her it's just the SM that i scroll on#like we're hanging out watching tv together I'm gonna scroll a little bit. it's just not insta or anything#idk my mind is scrambled I'm crying I just want to be a better person who can calmly communicate my thoughts and emotions#today has just beat my fucking ass dude. i isolate so those feelings don't get translated into my interactions with others#i don't even know what i typed in these tags I just don't want to off myself or think about it I'm fighting myself so much 2day#rAMbles
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skrunksthatwunk · 1 month
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yeah i can't come to class today, sorry. yeah. yeah. it's cause my hair's too long. mhm. gonna put me out of commission til the weekend at least
#fuck it's too long it's too long it's too long hate hate hate hate hate kill kill kill#i am resisting the urge to cut it all off with scissors but just barely#i havent been able to go home lately and my clippers are there. fUCKK#ITS TOO LONG SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF HERE#i cant stop thinking about shaving my head again or at least cutting it short#it's summer i should have short hair summer is for short hair FUCKK THIS IS WEIRD#i feel like a sad stonermetal mushroom. in middle school. and NOT in a cool way if that wasnt clear!!#hhhhhhhhgnnnghfhn fuckk i feel so gross and weird#i didnt even do anything why are my spoons gone FUCKK. SHITITTTUJ DAMMIT#this is so dumb i literally skipped my second class for no reason and i have so mucj work but i didnt even do anything#i shoudktn be this out ofnit. euhhhhhghh#and i have a new friend and he really really wants to hang out and i dont hav.e the spoons#but i feel so bad.. and i have other ppl i wanna hang out with but i cant bring nyself to readh out#and even if they reached ouy i probably wouldnt be able to respond and i have to go see a show thid week too#bc theyre doing into the woods and i love that shit and i promised id go ans ive been lookign forward to it for months#but i cant. bwuhhhhhhhhghhhh#and i cant just tell the new friend i don't wanna hang out twice this week (one is the play) bc i blew him off all last week#i really dont wanna hurt his feelings but i really can't communicate like he wants me to. and ive kinda said that but still#mmmmmmnnnnuguhghh hes only doing it bc i mean a lot to him but it's moving so fast ans I can't really be there forbhim the way he probably#deserves.. i should probably eat skmething idk. eughhhhhhhhgghhghhggh. melting into a pile of slop and slurry rn#just gonna sink into my bed and not sleep and feel bad. hoorayy
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hecksupremechips · 1 month
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Actually cry so goddamn hard when I think about Shinjiro Aragaki healing and being loved and having to learn to be okay with himself and being taken care of
#writing him has just been like. OOOOWOEOEOEOOE i piss tears i cant handle this shit this gay ass shit#i came up with an idea for just like a cute short one shot i wanna do soon and hnnnghh im so emo about it#very healing its like very hard to write some of the shit im gonna be writing cuz basically#some of it is just a little too real man and while i crave the angst and the drama i am just like#AND THEN EVERYONE HOLDS HANDS AND ITS OKAY PLEASE DONT CRY PLEASE#and ive mentioned how shinji has accidentally become nb to me now because i just kinda happened to write him that way without meaning to#and now another thing im noticing is that in my fic hes kinda bpd coded#it definitely wasnt intentional but now im accepting it as truth no one can stop me#i just really need him to be happy its more important to me than anything else man i need it for me#and he needs to be gay with aki they need to kissy and i think its funny cuz even in the parts where shinji is mad at aki and pushing him#away its like. he kinda has it bad lol and its clear he feels no actual hatred towards aki but more just self deprecation because he doesnt#feel good enough and like idk i just think about their respective roles in society like#aki is an honor student star boxer hero very attractive very kind very popular got adopted by a rich family#hes going places you know meanwhile shinji is a drop out who never had a family ever hes homeless hes sketchy hes on drugs#his reputation couldnt be any worse and he just leans into it and feels he has no future and hes worthless garbage#and aki could literally have anyone he wants you know he has an army of girls pining over him but he doesnt want them#HE WANTS SHINJI AND NO ONE ELSE HE SPENDS YEARS CHASING AFTER HIM#and shinji HATES it hes trying so hard to push him away and be the crusty delinquent and make aki see how worthless he really is#but aki just doesnt stop he loves him so much makes me sick SICK#and shinji really loves him back hes like not gonna shut up ever about aki hes like either doing it in a gay ass annoyed way#or hes like ‘haha omg aki is so cute though hes always trying so hard to be tough but hes just so sweet and gentle you know i hope he#doesnt push himself too hard if he got hurt id fall apart hes so silly i hope hes eating good i desire him carnally’#yeah sorry gamers this is just a pairing i cant be normal about they mean so much to me personally the fate of the world rests upon them
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chickenisamazing · 2 months
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This is the first time I've gained weight during Ramadan
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