#advice from the past

[frozeninice]

advice from the past -- dear future me pt. 2

Its July 8, 2023, and I have a raging ear infection (one of many and likely many more), and I was thinking of a post, written by me, Katie sent to me a couple months ago. It was a “dear future me” written in September 2018. I had been going through some old notebooks and read a letter written to future me, likely around the end of high school, 2016 ish. I won’t repost it here, but you can find it under the “dear future me” tag. 

I read through the letter from the past to the future me, at the time it was September 2018. I had just started seeing a psychotherapist for my depression and anxiety as I struggled through nursing school. I’m not sure of the exact dates, but I think that was around the time of 3rd semester of nursing where everything went to shit: nearly failed out, burnt out to the bone, crying at the (seemingly) little inconveniences in life (when actually it was the burn out seeping out). It was a bad time, surely, but to see myself wanting to be positive and keep going on, it warms my heart. 

Nursing school were the hardest years of my life. I wouldn’t want to go back and do it all again, do it all different, because I know I had to go through all that pain and struggle to get to where I am--who I am--today. I love who I am. I would never want to change that. What I’m trying to say here, is that even though I was so fucked up mentally, a part of me still wanted to persevere and knew that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Even if I couldn’t see the end, I hoped the light would be there. Looking back into my memories of these times, its hard to look past all the shit and remember the good in all the bad, so it--what’s the word, not grateful, not relieved--comforts me knowing that a tiny part of me wanted to keep living life. 

What’s life like now?

Well, I finished nursing school in 2021. It wasn’t easy. I failed a couple courses, nearly failed many more. Had to take an extra year, so I really beat down on myself for being a failure, for not finishing in 4 years. But now, in 2023, I see that I needed to graduate in 2021 instead of 2020. Aside from the obvious reason of THE FUCKING COVID PANDEMIC, ahem, sorry had to get that out of the way. My mental state in 2020 sunk to rock bottom. I can’t imagine finishing nursing school, getting my RN, and starting the new grad journey ALL during a fucking pandemic. I think I actually would have tried to kill myself, and I’m not saying that lightly or jokingly. I needed to graduate one year later, despite myself hating it the whole time. I needed that extra year to learn about me. Also, don’t let myself ever forget that you met your best friends of nursing school in that extra year. Marissa, Rachel, Zipora, Kafia, Rae, Joanna, Libby, thank you. These friends helped you get through the last three years. You are still in contact with these friends. You have traveled with these friends. Do not let yourself forget all the positives of taking that extra year. You are not a failure. You are a survivor. 

I studied my ass off and wrote the NCLEX in 2021. For once, I actually felt ready for an exam. I was itching to write it, instead of hiding, I went into the light and did it. I conquered it. I demolished it. I am so fucking proud of myself, of you, for writing it. I passed. June 19, 2021, you passed the fucking NCLEX and became a registered nurse (RN). Congratu-fucking-lations. You fucking did it!!

I then applied for new graduate nursing jobs. My heart screamed Sick Kids, but I later learned that this wasn’t my path, not then, maybe in the future. I had many interviews in one week (still don’t know how you did that, ya crazy crazy girl). My last interview of the week was with SHN for a nursing resource team (NRT) or float nurse position. Most of the jobs you applied and interviewed for had been for float positions, but you didn’t feel excited for these positions. You wanted exciting. You wanted interesting. MEDSURG didn’t feel like either. Your last interview of the week, by now you have mastered the core questions of a new grad interview and DESTROYED that interview. Going into the interview, you felt meh, its another NRT, whatever. But by the end, you felt different. You felt supported, like you could do anything. The manager, Rebecca, made you feel like you knew your stuff, and the clinical practice leader (CPL) Janette, made you feel supported and encouraged. For once, in the interview process, that you could see yourself working as an RN. That this was all becoming real. 

So you accepted the position with SHN as an new grad NRT in the new grad guarantee (NGG) initiative. You started August 3, 2021. You got three months of orientation in different units of your hospital. You were inexperienced. It had been over a year since being in the hospital for placements. You lacked a lot of nursing skills. But you learned quickly. You absorbed, like a sponge, everything you learned. You made mistakes along the way, but you learned from your mistakes and improved your nursing practice. 

October 25, 2021, you were set into the world of nursing on your own. You were in charge of your patients, you were in charge of completing all the tasks of the shift. You struggled. But you knew when to ask for help. You did not let your ego get in the way of your patients’ safety. The very first shift of being by yourself, you were placed on a surgical unit (5W). You had a pt with a colostomy, the bag got too full and exploded. Got all over the patient, the bed, and floor. It was a huge mess. But you learned not to leave emptying the bag until the last minute. You had a patient fresh post op from thyroid surgery. They were satting in the 80s and you panicked. You got the charge nurse and made them stay with you while, together, you figured out how to help the patient. 

Over the next couple months of your new grad nursing career, you made a lot of mistakes, learned from those mistakes, overcame anxiety and imposter syndrome, and became a more confident and competent nurse. 

December 27, 2021, surprises me how easy I remember the date. This was your first code blue. This destroyed you. It was the 4th day shift straight, end of the day, you almost made it to the end, when this code went off. Around 6pm it occurred, I think. You spent your first Christmas away from your family at the hospital with others who were too sick to be with their own. This was your first involvement in a code blue. The first time you did compressions on a real person, first time you saw what a code truly is. How gruesome it is. What is needed to be done to bring someone back to life. You got the patient back, but ultimately, they did not survive the night. You stayed with the primary nurse while she filled out the death paperwork. You knew you needed to see this, even though you were so distraught. Charlene, the PSW on the floor that day, held you as you cried. She helped you process this. You reached out to your manager, Rebecca, to talk about it. You talked with your good friend and charge nurse that day, Christie. You talked with your parents. You talked with your therapist. You tried. It was difficult. But you knew that you wanted to work in emergency, and you knew that you had to work through this so that you would be ready for the next time someone needed to be brought back.

June 5, 2022, you started your new position as a split pediatric-emergency RN. This was your dream, this was what you were working towards during those hours in NRT that you dreaded. Emergency was definitely not what it seemed, and you struggled to grasp everything before your brain shut down. You needed this change, to a new position. Float team was destroying you from the inside. Your mental health was plummeting. It was the best thing you ever did. Working on 7W satisfied your need to work at Sick Kids, you learned you didn’t need Sick Kids. You found your home. 

Since then, you’ve been working your split peds-emerg position. Its not been easy, but its been worth it. 

You’ve been seeing a psychiatrist, alongside your therapist, for ADHD, depression, and anxiety since the middle of 2020. Its been scary, but its been worth it. You are a stronger, more confident you. 

The road you’ve traveled thus far has not been easy, and the road ahead is also not going to be easy. You are learning to accept that life does not become easy once you reach a certain point, you just learn to adapt yourself to be able to process and handle life’s challenges. 

Now in 2023, you are struggling with how to have a work-life balance and how to be Kirsten without the nurse or the baker. 

Life feels grey right now. You are trying to add colour, but it feels like futile efforts. Keep trying to add colour. Eventually you will turn around and see the rainbow. 

Dear past me: I’m sorry I can’t tell you it will be easy. 

Dear future me: You will get better at dealing with the obstacles life throws at you.

I love you so much.

#dear future me #advice from the past

[seasonal-brotp-prompts]

I've seen people say the found family trope is queer because it's about "choosing" rather than being "given," and while that's true, I think there's another reason people often gloss over or misunderstand:

found family is queer because the labels don't always fit.

sometimes a character falls somewhere between a brother and a cousin. sometimes they're a big brother, a father figure, and a weird uncle all at once. sometimes they're a sibling when a third character is present, but a parent when they aren't. sometimes any attempt to label them just falls short.

often when a lot of people are fighting over what traditional family role a member of a found family is, I find myself thinking, "maybe you're all right, and all wrong, too. maybe there isn't just one label. maybe it's a found family, so it's queer."

#currently this post is about Duster and Lucas from Mother 3 but there have been many others in the past #writing advice #writeblr #found family #tropes

[valentjin]

linkedin profile pic energy

#raphael #raphael bg3 #bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #bg3 spoilers #i mean there are no spoilers but it's from the patch 5 epilogue so #i edited professional headshots in the past and i could not stop thinking about it when i watched these scenes #and so here we are #the first one is your standard professional headshot/profile pic fare #the second one feels very law firm “about us” page #and the third one is giving advice column vibes. “ask raphael” “ask the devil you know” kinda shit #mine #my screenshots

[catbountry]

It's been over a decade since the age of the Advice Animal and I felt like people needed to be reminded of where they started and how the original Advice Dog is still really funny, since the "advice" was, well... just look at it.

And my favorite I still use.

#blast from the past #advice animals #internet nostalgia #advice dog

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

autistic friends how do you Not hate yourself for not being able to socialise normally. like I'm miserable right now and it's because I can't socialise normally, don't see how/if I'll ever find someone to marry and can't see the point in trying to befriend people because I always fail every time and simply annoy people; even my friends have got tired of having me hang around All The Time because i just Can't Socialise

not just autistic folks but I know this is very much related to autism for me

any advice or encouragemnet or prayers or what have you, appreciated

#actually autistic #copied and pasted from a discord server bc i actually want all the advice or something i can get #my friends are tired of my and they Say So and i don't BLAME them but it means i don't want to bother them #i just. i want to be wanted. and i know i am and i know it's horribly selfish to say this anyway. #but i really really do. in person events i mean.

[bathmob]

September is suicide awareness month, let's take care of each other today 💜💙

bonerus

#my art #gotg #rocket #rocket raccoon #guardians of the galaxy #doodles #suicide #dis silly #but i love you all #coming from someone who’s attempted multiple times in da past: pls stick around. you don’t realise how much it’ll affect those who love you #even if it’s not successful. they care about you. #sorry I blow at motivational speeches or advice #don’t attempt to croak!

[worstloki]

there is a difference between being born to a throne, maliciously vying for a throne, stealing a throne, and having a throne thrust upon you when you are already in the midst of an identity crisis. And I fear Loki's place in the line of succession has people unable to differentiate between any of these

#you can't really argue he planned the extent of Thor's downfall #that was all Odin #Loki didn't force Thor to invade Jotunheim he isn't even the one who gave Thor the idea -- Thor did that all on his own! #that he was doing waswasa @ thor didn't help but wasn't really crime worthy on its own #Thor himself took time convincing the other warriors to be okay with the trip despite the treason and danger involved #like. what. Thor can't differentiate good advice from bad and is emotionally volatile and reckless and that's Loki's fault? #THOR was the one who got them past Heimdall too #the entire ordeal inadvertently showed off the favouritism Thor was receiving in comparison to Loki #even though Loki was the one supposedly so easily influencing Thor to such an extent #call Thor a puppet the way he--wait. no. that sounds weird. uhhhhh #you get the point #people will claim Loki was all up in there rearranging Thor's mental processes to cause his downfall #when really it was Loki doing the bare minimum instigation and watching things only devolve from there #because Thor WAS reckless and immature ?? and he WAS quick to anger and enjoyed exerting his power with violence ?? #Loki didn't STEAL THE THRONE FROM THOR he literally just is implied to undermine the coronation #that's not even confirmed but we assume it's true that he let the frost giants in near the casket etc. #Loki has his own actual crimes that he did against Thor and hugging his bro's arm and saying 'you're soooooo strong and correct' was not on #even if you manage to argue Loki was cheering Thor on for the invasion (he wasn't) it was clearly to dob Thor in with Odin #which he did when he had some guard inform Odin #that Odin's chosen punishment was for Thor's disobedience aside stop blaming Loki for the damage ODIN inflicted on him #focus on Loki making up lies to Thor about how Odin died instead like at least Loki DID SOMETHING for that #you can even ascribe as evil a motive as you want there bc Loki was slipping fr #twirling his hair and telling Thor he's smarter about the realm's safety than the king was on the normal scale #you want to talk morals go look at how eager Thor was to invade mass destroy and massacre in the other realm #and expected Odin to 'finish them off! together!' bc he was power high on whatever bloodlust pheromones battle apparently imitates for him #sigh. this is why you can't have nice things Thor. no Loki you're barely any better. sit down. have a cookie.

[your-heart-is-a-treasure]

Be guided by the Soul and not driven by ego.

#life is a journey #something to live by #advice of the day #ways to improve your daily life #life reflections #life choices #soul quotes #spiritual quotes #life quotes #life reminders #life advice #ego quotes #learn from the past #learn from my mistakes #life quote of the day #motivational quotes #inspirational quotes #how to live #wisdom quotes #wise words #spiritual advice #self awareness #spiritual awakening #think different #self improvement #truth quotes #change quotes #live your own life #school quotes #social media is fake

[prince-liest]

You inspired me to write! And I got up to 2k words for the first time ever when it comes to writing for myself... but I'm struggling a bit 😅 Do you have any advice about narrator POV and how you use your verb tenses? It's like I have no idea how you manage to "head-hop" while still being an omniscient narrator so smoothly & effortlessly. And verb tenses. if I write "was" one more time I might pop a gasket lol. any help is appreciated <3 have a good one!

First of all, that's freaking amazing! 2k is a lot, congratulations! That might sound weird coming from me considering how many words I put out, but I 100% remember the struggle of being newer to writing and hitting multiple thousands of words for the first time - I'm so happy for you!

Second of all: I actually write exclusively in third person limited POV, not third person omniscient! Even though I'm writing in third person, the narration is fully from the perspective of the point of view character, which I personally enjoy a lot because it allows for a lot of unreliable narration and also characterization through how their train of thought manifests (choppy, stressed, dreamy, etc). That's why when I'm writing from the point of view of character A, for example, any assumptions about character B's motivations are what character A is thinking, not an omniscient narrator informing you.

That said, you still have to head-hop specifically to write the actual visible actions and dialogue of the second character, and that's actually the most recent thing that I used to struggle with in writing specifically because I got most of my initial writing experience doing roleplay where I was only ever responsible for one character's thoughts and actions at a time.

Honestly, the main thing I can say is that it gets much, much easier with practice. When you start out, it will genuinely just take you longer to switch from the mindset of one character to another! I used to take character notes to put together little snapshot profiles of character headspaces to re-orient myself between the characters I was writing when I felt like I was getting lost. They included things like a few traits to keep in mind, behavior mindset, and snippets of dialogue that I thought were very representative. I don't use these anymore, but I do still do things like rewatch episodes or reread portions of books when I'm learning new characters to orient myself to their personality. It's like code-switching to me nowadays.

As for verb tense: I was a consummate Homestuck, so I started out writing in second person present tense, hahaha, and while I've adopted the third person POV (and believe me, this took adjusting), I've kept writing in present tense as a personal preference. I like it because it makes things feel more in-the-moment as they're happening, because there's less grammatical fuckery involved when describing the past vs the present, and just because I'm used to it. That said, past tense is more common and stands out less to people, and I think that you are finding all of your "was"s a lot more noticable than a reader would! People generally don't really notice the tense of what they're reading once they get into the flow of it.

#ask #personal #Anonymous #my writing #writing advice #I also tried to switch to past tense and kept fucking it up #like genuinely switching tenses halfway through a paragraph and not noticing at ALL #and unlike writing in second person POV it didn't seem like an actual issue wrt readability so I just stopped trying #long post #I hope this was at least a bit helpful! #I've honestly never written an omniscient narrator so I'm afraid I can't be much help with that #I'm too much of a sucker for unreliable limited narrators haha #I love how telling a narration can be about a character's mindset #also side note my oldest fic on AO3 which is a little Soul Eater oneshot from 2015 is in second person hahaha #A RELIC #(ofc I have some fantroll stuff on there as well but that's SUPPOSED to be second person)

[themthistles]

something about the way guilt is portrayed in beyond evil. guilt as a state, guilt as a place you're condemned to. 'i will go to hell' 'life is hell' 'you shouldn't even set foot in that hell' but it's not really the hell we think of, not in the traditional sense. hell is where you're supposed to be sent to suffer and repent forever but all of them go there willingly. (that's why han kihwan will never end up there as juwon wants because he feels no remorse over his actions) they choose to stay and let it scorch the life out of them until all that's left is someone hollow and brittle, real person buried beneath the surface in a grave they themselves dug. in that way it's not lee changjin or the water that killed nam sangbae. it's guilt. that's what doomed him in the end. that hell of his own making he never managed to escape. and as he drowned, he probably thought he deserved that too. jeongje's still there until the end but so much of him died long ago. he's a ghost haunting himself. he tells juwon 'if you don't get out quickly, every breath, every moment of your life becomes a nightmare' if you stay that hell alone long enough, that's what happens. at a certain point you can't wake up anymore. you forget how to leave

#there are these parallels between nsb jj and jw #how both of them give him advice that comes from experience #'don't do this you'll regret it' 'don't do this there's no coming back from it' and both times he doesn't listen and ends up just like them #jw's almost a ghost in the beginning like jj but ds and manyang yank him back to life #and then ds doesn't let jw become another nsb he refuses to let him stay in that hell alone he says as much #i think ds learned how to claw his way out a long time ago #what he says in ep14 #'wouldn't regret be a luxury for me' #a luxury #he understands that guilt at its most extreme is ultimately self serving #because it keeps you in this woe me state where you become so obsessed with your own failure that everything else gets drowned out by it #ds does the opposite he decenters himself in his mind focuses on the pain of others instead of his own #'this is how he makes himself happy' this is how he survives #he knows that wallowing in guilt won't do any good won't change anything what's done is done he accepts it #he says 'if i could go back i WOULD do the same thing again because that's all he could ever do #he did what he thought was right at the time now he has to live with it #nsb can't figure that out can't accept his mistakes can't move on from them so he's stuck in the past #he dies stuck in the past #'you want to cry aloud for your mistakes but to tell the truth the world doesn't need any more of that sound' you know? #that i think is the point in the end #but does that ever fuck you up how jj nsb and jw (for a while) are driven by guilt but ds always acts out of love #he has so much of it despite everything #and juwon only surivives because he starts acting out of love and care and devotion instead of shame and remorse #beyond evil

[anichibicore]

unfading sin

#fullmetal alchemist #fma #edward elric #anichibi draws #yeah. that one shot from 03's first ending has been living rent free in my head for the past few days #and it made me wanna draw so. i did. lmao #also shoutout to this post i saw on twitter a while back that was like. if you wanna do lineart do a rough sketch and put the finer details #in the lines. cuz i took that advice to heart with this and i am so fuckin happy with the result #so. yeah. #also last note i'm putting here the red in the bg did not look that saturated on my laptop but surprisingly everything else? perfect #aniposts

[sinlizards]

ok op I found your art a bit ago when I got back into aa and immediately got reinvested into narumitsu and I. Am obsessed with the way you draw Phoenix. he is so nice to look at and idk if I'm making sense with this but your art is so calming!! it's so good!! do you have any art tips for beginners? I'm sorry if this has been asked before but I just really enjoy your style and your art is a big inspiration. have a good day/night!

thank you so much ;_;! with art tips i never really know where to start esp cuz "beginner" is a really broad spectrum, but the best i can give (aside from telling you to do studies and dumping a masterpost of stuff people already have talked over endlessly) are 2 things that drastically helped improve my outlook on art 1) Draw things simply for the sake of it being fun. Basically this post

sometimes I would get so caught up in my own head about trying to make the Next Best Thing but ended up just killing any joy drawing gave me which defeats the whole point of art for me. Sometimes you have to draw some silly shit just to be like damn this is fun !

2) Let yourself be inspired by other art. By that I mean look at other artists work and actually analyze what you enjoy about it (color, pose, composition, etc.) and see how you could apply that to your own work. It's not cheating to use some colors or a pose you found interesting in one persons work. the Key here is being INSPIRED and not COPYING please for the love of god nobody misinterpret this

if you did want any advice on something specific feel free to shoot another ask! im very bad with Broad topics like this </3 EDIT: i'm gonna go ahead an link a really good post iraprince made on the basics of getting started with art! It's a lot more thorough and also the part about learning to separate your inspiration is really good: https://www.tumblr.com/iraprince/674915305693265920/if-youd-never-seriously-practiced-art-how-would

#lizard inbox #rule number 1 to art is to Get Sillay #these are nothing ground breaking obviously but within just the past 3 years i've improved so much by changing how i view art #art help #<- oh also i have that tag for other asks ive gotten related to art advice if u wanna check it out #to further elaborate on the insp thing: i'd say a rule of thumb for this is that try to make whatever element of work you are inspired by #-into your own thing. at a certain point if the pose color and composition all match up with someone elses work that just becomes copying #and style studies are fine! its just best you either get permission from the artist first or just dont post it #lord this is a lot of text oops

[spaceshipkat]

it's actually really simple to make passive writing active, something i and every editor will encourage writers to do bc not only does it improve your craft, it allows for an easier read. for example:

"She began to whisper to him" is passive, but "She whispered to him" is active

"Wind was blowing around them" is passive, but "Wind blew around them" is active

"He was five foot eight" can read as passive, while "At five foot eight, he stood eyelevel with her" is active

"As they went deeper into the forest" can read as passive, while "They disappeared into the forest" is active

"Her hair was plastered to her skin" sounds passive, while "Her hair lay plastered to her skin" sounds more active

the key is to make the action feel as if it's happening right now in front of the reader, rather than something the reader is witnessing after it's already happened. and there will always be instances where passive writing can work, but your prose in general should be 90% active to 10% passive, if indeed you need passive prose at all. you shouldn't bank on the passivity of your prose being the exception to the rule because, nine times out of ten, it won't be. with writing in general, it's better to assume you won't be the exception to the rule rather than hope or rely on it.

#writing advice #writing tips #writeblr #grammar #writing craft #look at me actually able to write sentences about editing #i've been trying to come up with some advice posts but my brain is so dead from all the editing that it's hard #fingers crossed i'll get past this bc dear god it sucks ass #it's just. yknow. i'm doubling on clients bc i need money. so. #money good brain dead

[whumpacabra]

Session #15

Therapy, angst, past trauma, past dehumanization, implied past violence, bar fight mention, neonazi mention, referenced past character deaths, dubious psychology by fault of the author

[Follows Bared]

“It was fine until…until we got back to the house. It was late - everyone was asleep and we all went to our rooms and - ” East’s breathing shuddered. He wasn’t crying - not yet, an impressive 20 minutes into the session - but he was feeling the vice of terror squeeze his heart. “I just…I know he was an asshole, and he probably deserved it - or worse - but - I - I enjoyed it.”

“I probably would too; there’s catharsis in taking someone like that down a peg.” Judy hadn’t been critical of his parole violation - (he wasn’t actually on parole, he had to remind himself) - she was more interested in its aftermath. Which, for once, East wanted to talk about.

“It wasn’t just, as you said, taking him down a peg. It - it felt like before. When Smith would have me…y’know…” He trailed off, clearing his throat and reaching for a paper cup of water. Drinking helped him keep his voice. Judy nodded, brow knit in concern.

“Was it like a flashback, like you were feeling the way you did when he made you kill for him?”

“No - no, maybe?” East cringed, running his fingers through his hair. (It was getting long - he wasn’t sure he wanted a haircut. He wasn’t sure if he would like who he saw in the mirror after.) “It…felt safe - controlled?”

“Control I think is the right word. Smith never let you express yourself outside of when he made you kill for his entertainment. You were safe to do as you wished within the scope of his orders.”

(Except the one time he wasn’t. Except the one time he tried to be creative - to show mercy the only way he knew how - and oh, how that choice fucked him later.)

(…)

(Well, he was here, alive and free, wasn’t he?)

“I guess…yeah, the control part - controlling the situation, it felt good. But…” He bit the insider of his cheek, shame creeping up his throat. “The way he looked at me, at the end - I just - I know how that feels. And I don’t know how to feel about that.”

“Well, as much of a wanker as he is, that skinhead is still human. He still feels fear and pain and shame just like the rest of us.”

“That doesn’t mean - but he’s still a skinhead and, and I should feel good kicking the shit out of him, right? I just felt…dirty. The way he looked at me...”

East shuddered, remembering coming home that night, sitting in the dark quiet of the house. How quickly the ghosts came for him, how little sleep he stole away.

“Smith made me feel that way. And I made that piece of shit feel the same. I - I mean, like - I could have been that piece of shit, when Smith - y’know - and, and I just - I wonder if that was how Smith felt. When he hurt me. It felt good - being in control, knowing that punk was scared of me, wouldn’t look me in the eye. Wouldn’t fight back anymore.”

And that was the heart of it, wasn’t it? East wasn’t upset because he empathized with a pathetic dickhead he scared the daylights out of. He was upset because he empathized with Smith - the heady rush of power, the security of being feared.

“What was the goal of fighting him?”

“He…Alister wanted to be left alone and he wouldn’t leave. I needed to make him leave because nobody else would.”

“Did you want to kill him?”

“No - no, I only threw his knife after him to scare him.” The question startled East from his spiral. He didn’t kill. He didn’t have to kill anymore. He didn’t want to kill anymore. So he didn’t.

“Do you regret it?”

(Did he?)

“No…he was an asshole. He wasn’t going to leave without a fight, or Alister, or both.” East avoided eye contact, trying not to think about what would have happened if he wasn’t there. If all of Tierney’s 151 cm of fiery drunkeness was pit against someone as hateful and hungry for violence as that punk.

“You saw your friend was in trouble. You took control of the situation - not the person causing it. You created a situation where he chose to leave, and you let him leave.” Judy glanced up from her notes. “You are not Smith, East. You didn’t trap him there. Whatever hits you threw were precise and efficient; you could have kicked the shit out of him, beaten him to a bloody pulp, and to be quite honest I don’t think anyone in that bar would have had an issue with it.”

“But - ”

“East, you let him go when he wanted to leave. Would Smith have done that?”

(No. Never. Smith would have meted out a punishment. Nothing but immediate and complete surrender was good enough for Smith.)

“Still feel like shit about it.” He managed to mumbled, swallowing back tearful words.

“Smith was human too, East. He was a fucking monster, but still just a human, like you and me and that prick from the bar.”

“If this is supposed to make me feel better, it isn’t.”

“You’re human too, East. You're going to have moments of your life that you're not proud of. You're going to say cruel, thoughtless things and behave inappropriately and upset other people. You're going to do things that feel good in the moment that you regret later. That dickhead at the bar didn’t regret what he said to you and your friends in the moment because he didn’t see you as people entitled to basic human decency. Just because he learned to regret that choice doesn’t mean you did something wrong.”

East nodded, digesting the information.

“Smith didn’t regret what he did to you because he didn’t see you as a person. He didn’t treat you with any respect or basic human dignity because he thought you didn’t deserve it. He was wrong, of course, but he didn't regret it.” Judy’s smile was tinged with wry bitterness. “If you can look a skinhead in the eye after kicking his ass and still see that he’s still a human being, that he’s just a man, you’re not going to make the same mistakes Smith made.”

“Yeah, I’ll get to make new mistakes.” East grumbled, the retort slipping past his lips before he could catch the thought. But Judy just smiled, shrugging.

“We all do. It’s how we choose to learn from and react to our mistakes that lets us grow beyond them.”

[Concurrent to Tea]

(Part of my Freelancers: Changing Tides series)

Taglist: @stargeode @sacredwrath @genuineformality

#whump #recovery #therapy #angst #past trauma #dehumanization #past violence #bar fight #neonazi mention #past character death #freelancers #this was another one where I wrote it. was like 70% happy with it. scrapped and rewrote it twice. then went back to square one. #but whatever it does what it needs to. (East learning that he has to accept that he’s a person who’s gonna have feelings. good and bad.) #the timeline is a little wobbly let me finish this arc so i can properly link this mess up o7 #in other news uh. wow isn’t the weather nice? <- listening to alice’s restaurant massacre on loop #don’t be a litter bug do be a faggot and other great advice from my dad’s generation coming into play for once in my life.

[antisocialxconstruct]

.

#I didn't want to go off in the notes of that last rb but it actually is such good advice #and basically solved the main issue I was having with GC's plot which was like... #Maksim would probably have a SIGNIFICANTLY easier time getting away from Alabast if he would just. change his fucking name. #so I was like okay. Well he's not an idiot so why doesn't he do that? and the answer is he's sentimental :/ #outwardly he insists that he has no emotional attachment to his life or family in Russia but also all these years later #he's still going by a derivative of the surname he was born with (Maksimov) because he can't let go of that last little tether #and if you dig REALLY deep it's about abandonment issues and the fact he's good at walling people off but not fully cutting them out #so he has all these elaborate plans and makes peace with the inevitability of having to run if (when) they catch up with him #because he can't--WON'T--do the one thing that would stop that from happening #and I think the contrast with Ilya who has absolutely no ties to anyone or anything and was doing Just Fine hiding from their past #and the fact that they're only forced to reckon with it because they get caught in the crossfire of /Maksim's/ conflict #is so so delicious. or it would be. if I finished writing it :')

[airanke]

Seeing people frustrated and sad and even angry about the recent MHA chapter (regarding Shiggy) makes me SO HAPPY about one of my plot points in STIL, because it directly addresses the thing that people are understandably frustrated about with Shiggy.

#tbf I actually thought the reveal was fantastic #but I think that's because I always had a hunch that AFO fabricated it all #Like yeah of course he gave Shiggy Decay as his quirk #I had that hunch since it was revealed that he could give and take away quirks #and when it was revealed he'd been present in Shiggy's past #Which is why I am 1000% CONVINCED that he caused Dabi to spontaneously combust on Sekoto Peak #Because Touya had NOTHING but ABSOLUTE control of his quirk #It didn't and doesn't make sense to me that Touya just suddenly cried too hard and lost control of his quirk #and we also know that AFO can forcefully activate quirks #So IMO the Shiggy thing was actually fantastic #Because yeah who is Shiggy now? #Who is he and what are his goals when everything was supposed planned from the start? #I do think AFO is lying partially though #Because there was little meddling he could have done while he was trapped in Tartarus #And I don't think Shiggy's care toward the League was fabricated #Because he SPECIFICALLY sought out IZUKU'S advice on that #ANYWAY I'M RAMBLING IN MY TAGS I'M SO SORRY #air's antics