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turnpage · 3 years

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send me a ✐ for a random sentence starter from my muse (1-1500) — tw: profanity, mild nsfw, long list

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❨1❩ ❛ They are dreams, but I’m too out of control, I lose myself in them, and I’ve already lost too much to let them take over. ❜  ❨2❩ ❛ Sometimes human places create inhuman monsters. ❜ ❨3❩ ❛ I'm not gonna hurt ya. I'm just going to bash your brains in. ❜ ❨4❩ ❛ Monsters are real. Ghosts are too. They live inside of us, and sometimes, they win. ❜ ❨5❩ ❛ The world's a hard place. It doesn't care. It doesn't hate you and me, but it doesn't love us, either. ❜ ❨6❩ ❛ The tears that heal are also the tears that scald and scourge. ❜ ❨7❩ ❛ Pull your act together and just go on. ❜ ❨8❩ ❛ I had never dreamed there could be so much pain in a life when there is nothing physically wrong. I hurt all the time. ❜ ❨9❩ ❛ Tough old world, baby. If you're not bolted together tightly, you're gonna shake, rattle, and roll before you turn thirty. ❜ ❨10❩ ❛ Are you sure self-pity is a luxury you can afford? ❜ ❨11❩ ❛ Truth comes out. In the end it always comes out. ❜ ❨12❩ ❛ Living by your wits is always knowing where the wasps are. ❜ ❨13❩ ❛ No matter where you go, the same asshole gets off the plane. ❜ ❨14❩ ❛ We sometimes need to create unreal monsters and bogies to stand in for all the things we fear in our real lives. ❜ ❨15❩ ❛ That’s your job in this hard world, to keep your love alive and see that you get on, no matter what. ❜ ❨16❩ ❛ Human nature, baby. Grab it and growl. ❜ ❨17❩ ❛ God wiped snot out of his nose and that was you. ❜ ❨18❩ ❛ Run away. Quick. And remember how much I love you. ❜ ❨19❩ ❛ How many times, over how many years, have I—a grown adult—asked for the mercy of another chance? ❜ ❨20❩ ❛ I was suddenly so sick of myself, so revolted. ❜ ❨21❩ ❛ You listen to me. I’m going to talk to you about it this once and never again this same way. ❜ ❨22❩ ❛ But those pieces, they’ll never fit just the same way again. Never in this world. ❜ ❨23❩ ❛ Dying is a part of living. You have to keep tuning in to that if you expect to be a whole person. ❜ ❨24❩ ❛ Officious little prick. ❜ ❨25❩ ❛ I’ve been sleepwalking again, my dear. — The plants are moving under the rug. ❜ ❨26❩ ❛ How I wish you were fear. ❜ ❨27❩ ❛ But it was a dreadful kind of curiosity, the kind that makes you peek through your fingers during the scariest parts of a scary movie. ❜ ❨28❩ ❛ All we have is time, you know. An eternity of time. Or shall we end it? Might as well. After all, we're missing the party. ❜ ❨29❩ ❛ We all remember our pleasant dreams more clearly than the scary ones. ❜ ❨30❩ ❛ The way things should be and the way things are hardly ever get together. ❜ ❨31❩ ❛ Got to be regular if you want to be happy. ❜ ❨32❩ ❛ But in a solitary life, there are rare moments when another soul dips near yours, as stars once a year brush the earth. ❜ ❨33❩ ❛ He showed me his scars, and in return he let me pretend that I had none. ❜ ❨34❩ ❛ Humbling women seems to me a chief pastime of poets. As if there can be no story unless we crawl and weep. ❜ ❨35❩ ❛ It is a common saying that women are delicate creatures, flowers, eggs, anything that may be crushed in a moment's carelessness. ❜ ❨36❩ ❛ If I had ever believed it, I no longer do. ❜ ❨37❩ ❛ I thought once that gods are the opposite of death, but I see now they are more dead than anything, for they are unchanging, and can hold nothing in their hands. ❜ ❨38❩ ❛ I cannot bear this world a moment longer. ❜ ❨39❩ ❛ I have a better idea. I will do as I please. ❜ ❨40❩ ❛ All my life has been murk and depths, but I am not a part of that dark water. I am a creature within it. ❜ ❨41❩ ❛ You cannot know how frightened gods are of pain. There is nothing more foreign to them, and so nothing they ache more deeply to see. ❜ ❨42❩ ❛ When we are young, we think ourselves the first to have each feeling in the world. ❜ ❨43❩ ❛ When I was born, the word for what I was did not exist. ❜ ❨44❩ ❛ But perhaps no parent can truly see their child. When we look we see only the mirror of our own faults. ❜ ❨45❩ ❛ I will not be like a bird bred in a cage, too dull to fly even when the door stands open. ❜ ❨46❩ ❛ This is what it means to swim in the tide, to walk the earth and feel it touch your feet. This is what it means to be alive. ❜ ❨47❩ ❛ You threw me to the crows, but it turns out I prefer them to you. ❜ ❨48❩ ❛ Yet because I knew nothing, nothing was beneath me. ❜ ❨49❩ ❛ If now I am wise, it is only because I have been fool enough for a hundred lifetimes. ❜ ❨50❩ ❛ You can teach a viper to eat from your hands, but you cannot take away how much it likes to bite. ❜ ❨51❩ ❛ Give me the blade. Some things are worth spilling blood for. ❜ ❨52❩ ❛ I have been old and stern for so long, carved with regrets and years like a monolith. But that is only a shape I’ve been poured into. I do not have to keep it. ❜ ❨53❩ ❛ I wake sometimes in the dark terrified by my life's precariousness, its thready breath. ❜ ❨54❩ ❛ Understanding the world is a matter of keeping very still and showing no emotions, leaving room for others to reveal themselves. ❜ ❨55❩ ❛ Beneath the smooth, familiar face of things is another that waits to tear the world in two. ❜ ❨56❩ ❛ The truth is, men make terrible pigs. ❜ ❨57❩ ❛ My father has never been able to imagine the world without himself in it. ❜ ❨58❩ ❛ This is the grief that makes our kind choose to be stones and trees rather than flesh. ❜ ❨59❩ ❛ Witches are not so delicate. ❜ ❨60❩ ❛ Those who fight against prophecy only draw it more tightly around their throats. ❜ ❨61❩ ❛ I learned that I could bend the world to my will, as a bow is bent for an arrow. I would have done that toil a thousand times to keep such power in my hands. ❜ ❨62❩ ❛ There's the story, then there's the real story, then there's the story of how the story came to be told. Then there's what you leave out of the story. Which is part of the story too. ❜ ❨63❩ ❛ The best way of being kind to bears is not to be very close to them. ❜ ❨64❩ ❛ Life is warped. I'm just in sync. ❜ ❨65❩ ❛ Now it's a whisper from the past. ❜ ❨66❩ ❛ But hatred and viciousness are addictive. You can get high on them. Once you've had a little, you start shaking if you don't get more. ❜ ❨67❩ ❛ Why is it always such a surprise? The moon. Even though we know it's coming. Every time we see it, it makes us pause, and hush. ❜ ❨68❩ ❛ Perfection exacts a price, but it's the imperfect who pay it. ❜ ❨69❩ ❛ What is 'belief' but a willingness to suspend the negatives? ❜ ❨70❩ ❛ I have scars, inside me. ❜ ❨71❩ ❛ The dead are not entirely dead but are alive in a different way; a paler way admittedly, and somewhat darker. ❜ ❨72❩ ❛ However dark, a darkness with voices in it is better than a silent void. ❜ ❨73❩ ❛ Amazing how quickly the past becomes idyllic. ❜ ❨74❩ ❛ It is another way of saying tough luck. To people you aren’t going to help out. ❜ ❨75❩ ❛ I'm waiting, far off in the future. ❜ ❨76❩ ❛ The only sure camouflage is unpredictability. ❜ ❨77❩ ❛ There are so many of them, and each one of them is doing part of the killing, whether they know it or not. ❜ ❨78❩ ❛ First rule: limit bloodshed by making sure that none of your own gets spilled. ❜ ❨79❩ ❛ I long to swim in liquid moonlight. ❜ ❨80❩ ❛ That's right, I don’t like to be summoned on trivial matters. ❜ ❨81❩ ❛ The part that really made me happy was that you wanted me to be happy. ❜ ❨82❩ ❛ Cut that part out of us: the grinning, elemental malice. Begin us anew. ❜ ❨83❩ ❛ Where there are wars, there will be crows, the carrion-fanciers. And ravens too, the warbirds, the eyeball gourmands. And vultures, the holy birds of yore, old connoisseurs of rot. ❜ ❨84❩ ❛ At last. It's you. ❜ ❨85❩ ❛ No, you will not be cooked on a fire when you die. Because you are not a fish. ❜ ❨86❩ ❛ Take what the moment offers. Don’t close doors. Be thankful. ❜ ❨87❩ ❛ How many others have stood in this place? Left behind, with all gone, all swept away. ❜ ❨88❩ ❛ Is it disapproval or extreme lust? With some men it’s hard to tell the difference. ❜ ❨89❩ ❛ My hair was driving me crazy, but then … I died. ❜ ❨90❩ ❛ Seek and ye shall find, eventually. And you found. You’re right, I don’t dispute that. Sorry. ❜ ❨91❩ ❛ Everything digests, and is digested. ❜ ❨92❩ ❛ My head was once a filing cabinet. Now it’s a flurry of papers, floating on a draft. ❜ ❨93❩ ❛ You cannot keep bumping your head against reality and saying it is not there. ❜ ❨94❩ ❛ I have a feeling that inside you somewhere, there’s something nobody knows about. ❜ ❨95❩ ❛ And if I don’t want to die, I’ve got to start living. ❜ ❨96❩ ❛ The world is a beautiful place. Don’t forget that. And don’t miss it. ❜ ❨97❩ ❛ I was fighting for my life. So I must not want to die. ❜ ❨98❩ ❛ Something’s happening to me, through me, something dangerous and new. ❜ ❨99❩ ❛ It’s taken root, a poison tree; it’s grown, fanning out, vines winding round my gut, my lungs, my heart. ❜ ❨100❩ ❛ We’re interpreters. We’re translators. ❜ ❨101❩ ❛ You’ll notice I’m not asking what made you this way. ❜ ❨102❩ ❛ No family, happy or unhappy, is quite like any other. Tolstoy was chock-fullo’shit. Remember that. ❜ ❨103❩ ❛ We lived in monochrome those nights. ❜ ❨104❩ ❛ You live in a dream. You’re a sleepwalker, blind. How do you know what the world is like? ❜ ❨105❩ ❛ Do you know, if you rip off the fronts of houses, you’d find swine? ❜ ❨106❩ ❛ I stand here in the dark: cold, utterly alone, full of fear and something that feels like longing. ❜ ❨107❩ ❛ The definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results. ❜ ❨108❩ ❛ Not to warm the flesh, but solely to please the eye. ❜ ❨109❩ ❛ Selective emotional detachment. ❜ ❨110❩ ❛ Not for me, or at least not today. ❜ ❨111❩ ❛ Dead but not gone, watching life surge forward around me, powerless to intervene. ❜ ❨112❩ ❛ Do I sound like a hillbilly saying that? ❜ ❨113❩ ❛ Remember, you’ve got your secret weapon. ❜ ❨114❩ ❛ The dream drains away like water. The memory, really. I try to scoop it up in my palms, but it’s gone. ❜ ❨115❩ ❛ My shadow stretches along the carpet, as though trying to detach itself from me. ❜ ❨116❩ ❛ It curls away from me, like blood in water. ❜ ❨117❩ ❛ It’s been so long since I felt the rain. Or wind—the caress of wind. ❜ ❨118❩ ❛ But snow I never want to feel again. ❜ ❨119❩ ❛ Through adversity to the stars. ❜ ❨120❩ ❛ No hero. No sleuth. I am locked in. I am locked out. ❜ ❨121❩ ❛ Thinking hasn't gotten me anywhere so far. ❜ ❨122❩ ❛ The face you give the world tells the world how to treat you. ❜ ❨123❩ ❛ Sometimes I think illness sits inside every woman, waiting for the right moment to bloom. ❜ ❨124❩ ❛ Women get consumed. ❜ ❨125❩ ❛ Sometimes if you let people do things to you, you're really doing it to them. ❜ ❨126❩ ❛ A child weaned on poison considers harm a comfort. ❜ ❨127❩ ❛ Safer to be feared than loved. ❜ ❨128❩ ❛ I ached once, hard, like a period typed at the end of a sentence. ❜ ❨129❩ ❛ It's impossible to compete with the dead. I wish I could stop trying. ❜ ❨130❩ ❛ I always feel sad for the girl that I was. ❜ ❨131❩ ❛ Every time people said I was pretty, I thought of everything ugly swarming beneath my clothes. ❜ ❨132❩ ❛ How do you keep safe when your whole day is as wide and empty as the sky? Anything could happen. ❜ ❨133❩ ❛ See, there I am. I told you I lived. I told you I was. ❜ ❨134❩ ❛ Sometimes I think I won't ever feel safe until I can count my last days on one hand. ❜ ❨135❩ ❛ To refuse has so many more consequences than submitting. ❜ ❨136❩ ❛ I'm here. I don't usually feel that I am. ❜ ❨137❩ ❛ I'm tired of dying. ❜ ❨138❩ ❛ What if you hurt because it feels so good? ❜ ❨139❩ ❛ How confusing to live in the shadow of a shadow. ❜ ❨140❩ ❛ Do you ever feel like bad things are going to happen, and you can’t stop them? You can’t do anything, you just have to wait? ❜ ❨141❩ ❛ Sometimes my scars have a mind of their own. ❜ ❨142❩ ❛ Everyone has their own version of a memory. ❜ ❨143❩ ❛ Isn’t a smile a girl’s best weapon? ❜ ❨144❩ ❛ My sense of weightlessness, I think, comes from the fact that I know so little about my past. ❜ ❨145❩ ❛ Do what I want; I might like you. ❜ ❨146❩ ❛ I feel sorry for Persephone because even when she’s back with the living, people are afraid of her because of where’s she’s been. ❜ ❨147❩ ❛ She has never told me she loved me, and I never assumed she did. ❜ ❨148❩ ❛ The sight of it actually does something to you, makes you less human. ❜ ❨149❩ ❛ It infects you. It ruined me. ❜ ❨150❩ ❛ Your health is not a debt you just cancel. The body collects. ❜ ❨151❩ ❛ Men love to put things inside women, don’t they? ❜ ❨152❩ ❛ We can know only that we know nothing. And that is the highest degree of human wisdom. ❜ ❨153❩ ❛ Nothing is so necessary for a young man as the company of intelligent women. ❜ ❨154❩ ❛ The strongest of all warriors are these two — time and patience. ❜ ❨155❩ ❛ If everyone fought for their own convictions there would be no war. ❜ ❨156❩ ❛ There is no greatness where there is not simplicity, goodness, and truth. ❜ ❨157❩ ❛ The whole world is divided for me into two parts: one is she, and there is all happiness, hope, light; the other is where she is not, and there is dejection and darkness. ❜ ❨158❩ ❛ Let the dead bury the dead, but while I'm alive, I must live and be happy. ❜ ❨159❩ ❛ It's not given to people to judge what's right or wrong. People have eternally been mistaken and will be mistaken, and in nothing more than in what they consider right and wrong. ❜ ❨160❩ ❛ You can love a person dear to you with a human love, but an enemy can only be loved with divine love. ❜ ❨161❩ ❛ If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, then all possibility of life is destroyed. ❜ ❨162❩ ❛ We are asleep until we fall in love! ❜ ❨163❩ ❛ I simply want to live; to cause no evil to anyone but myself. ❜ ❨164❩ ❛ Everything I know, I know because of love. ❜ ❨165❩ ❛ Man cannot possess anything as long as he fears death. But to him who does not fear it, everything belongs. ❜ ❨166❩ ❛ If there was no suffering, man would not know his limits, would not know himself. ❜ ❨167❩ ❛ Yes, love, but not the love that loves for something, to gain something, or because of something, but that love that I felt for the first time, when dying, I saw my enemy and yet loved him. ❜ ❨168❩ ❛ How can one be well...when one suffers morally? ❜ ❨169❩ ❛ Kings are the slaves of history. ❜ ❨170❩ ❛ God is the same everywhere. ❜ ❨171❩ ❛ Pure and complete sorrow is as impossible as pure and complete joy. ❜ ❨172❩ ❛ One must be cunning and wicked in this world. ❜ ❨173❩ ❛ We love people not so much for the good they've done us, as for the good we've done them. ❜ ❨174❩ ❛ When one's head is gone one doesn't weep over one's hair! ❜ ❨175❩ ❛ For what, for whom, must I kill and be killed? ❜ ❨176❩ ❛ He did what heroes do after their work is accomplished; he died. ❜ ❨177❩ ❛ Life is too long to say anything definitely; always say perhaps. ❜ ❨178❩ ❛ Everything ends in death, everything. Death is terrible. ❜ ❨179❩ ❛ The distant and impossible suddenly became near, possible, and inevitable. ❜ ❨180❩ ❛ How often we sin, how much we deceive, and all for what? ❜ ❨181❩ ❛ The wolves should be fed and the sheep kept safe. ❜ ❨182❩ ❛ When I was a child, adults would tell me not to make things up, warning me of what would happen if I did. ❜ ❨183❩ ❛ My memory is a patchwork of occurrences, of discontinuous events roughly sewn together: the parts I remember, I remember precisely, whilst other sections seem to have vanished completely. ❜ ❨184❩ ❛ Would it be worse to love someone who is no longer there, or not to love someone who is? ❜ ❨185❩ ❛ Like mirrors stories prepare us for the day to come. They distract us from the things in darkness. ❜ ❨186❩ ❛ It is not that I was credulous, simply that I believed in all things dark and dangerous. ❜ ❨187❩ ❛ Sometimes you do things you regret, but there's nothing you can do about them. Times change. Doors close behind you. You move on. ❜ ❨188❩ ❛ Love will be an impulse that will inspire and ruin in equal measure. ❜ ❨189❩ ❛ He died alone. It don't matter a rat's ass whether there was anyone with him or not. He died alone. ❜ ❨190❩ ❛ It was love, I knew, and it tasted like champagne in my mind. ❜ ❨191❩ ❛ The end of the world is a strange concept. The world is always ending, and the end is always being averted, by love or foolishness or just plain old dumb luck. ❜ ❨192❩ ❛ She was my dream; and if you touch a dream it vanishes, like a soap bubble. ❜ ❨193❩ ❛ Daylight is always safe. ❜ ❨194❩ ❛ If not for death, they'd be content to simply exist, but with death, well, their lives will have meaning. ❜ ❨195❩ ❛ You want to know the future, love? Then wait. ❜ ❨196❩ ❛ There are things in the darkness beneath us that wish us harm. ❜ ❨197❩ ❛ Fairy tales are more than true. Not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be defeated ❜ ❨198❩ ❛ But sometimes you leave blood on your instruments. ❜ ❨199❩ ❛ I'd like to be a wolf. Not all the time. Just sometimes. In the dark. I would run through the forests. ❜ ❨200❩ ❛ You've seen them. They have mouths that twitch, and eyes that stare, and they babble and they mewl and they whimper. ❜ ❨201❩ ❛ They are not mad, or rather, the loss of their sanity is the lesser of their problems. ❜ ❨202❩ ❛ Good a reason for writing as I know: releasing demons, letting them fly. ❜ ❨203❩ ❛ That miserable state in which everything seems flat and of equal importance; when nothing matters, and in which reality seems scraped thin and threadbare. ❜ ❨204❩ ❛ Someone had scrawled graffiti in black marker on the metal: JUST DIE, it said. Like it is easy. ❜ ❨205❩ ❛ Winter started today. The sky turned grey and the snow began to fall and it did not stop falling until well after dark. ❜ ❨206❩ ❛ Memory is the great deceiver. ❜ ❨207❩ ❛ Silly things do cease to be silly if they are done by sensible people in an impudent way. ❜ ❨208❩ ❛ I may have lost my heart, but not my self-control. ❜ ❨209❩ ❛ If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more. ❜ ❨210❩ ❛ I always deserve the best treatment because I never put up with any other. ❜ ❨211❩ ❛ But you know what I am. You hear nothing but truth from me. ❜ ❨212❩ ❛ I have blamed you, and lectured you, and you have borne it as no other would have borne it. ❜ ❨213❩ ❛ There are people, who the more you do for them, the less they will do for themselves. ❜ ❨214❩ ❛ One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other. ❜ ❨215❩ ❛ Better be without sense than misapply it as you do. ❜ ❨216❩ ❛ You must be the best judge of your own happiness. ❜ ❨217❩ ❛ Were I to fall in love, indeed, it would be a different thing ; but I have never been in love ; it is not my way, or my nature ; and I do not think I ever shall. ❜ ❨218❩ ❛ Indeed, I am very sorry to be right in this instance. I would much rather have been merry than wise. ❜ ❨219❩ ❛ If I have not spoken, it is because I am afraid I will awaken myself from this dream. ❜ ❨220❩ ❛ If a woman doubts as to whether she should accept a man or not, she certainly ought to refuse him. ❜ ❨221❩ ❛ Faultless in spite of all her faults. ❜ ❨222❩ ❛ A heroine whom no one but myself will much like. ❜ ❨223❩ ❛ There is no charm equal to tenderness of heart. ❜ ❨224❩ ❛ Full many a flower is born to blush unseen, and waste its fragrance on the desert air. ❜ ❨225❩ ❛ I pity you. I thought you cleverer. ❜ ❨226❩ ❛ Evil to some is always good to others. ❜ ❨227❩ ❛ I certainly will not persuade myself to feel more than I do. ❜ ❨228❩ ❛ She is loveliness itself. ❜ ❨229❩ ❛ Time does not compose me. ❜ ❨230❩ ❛ A man always imagines a woman to be ready for anybody who asks her. ❜ ❨231❩ ❛ I do not find myself making any use of the word sacrifice. ❜ ❨232❩ ❛ I am quite enough in love. I should be sorry to be any more. ❜ ❨233❩ ❛ I must tell you what you will not ask, though I may wish it unsaid the next moment. ❜ ❨234❩ ❛ I examined my own heart. And there you were. Never, I fear, to be removed. ❜ ❨235❩ ❛ With all your little faults, you are an excellent creature. ❜ ❨236❩ ❛ You have another long walk before you. ❜ ❨237❩ ❛ The child's laughter is pure until he first laughs at a clown. ❜ ❨238❩ ❛ What is marriage but prostitution to one man instead of many? ❜ ❨239❩ ❛ Out of the frying pan into the fire! ❜ ❨240❩ ❛ We must all make do with the rags of love we find flapping on the scarecrow of humanity. ❜ ❨241❩ ❛ She sleeps. And now she wakes each day a little less. ❜ ❨242❩ ❛ And, oh, God . . . how frequently I weep! ❜ ❨243❩ ❛ From the coffin of your madness there is no escape. ❜ ❨244❩ ❛ I am feeling supernatural tonight. I want to eat diamonds. ❜ ❨245❩ ❛ All the same there is a chance that if we keep on shaking our chains, one day, some day, the clasps upon the shackles will part. ❜ ❨246❩ ❛ It was sad music fit to make you cut your throat. ❜ ❨247❩ ❛ Nothing is more boring than being forced to play. ❜ ❨248❩ ❛ Amongst the monsters, I am well hidden; who looks for a leaf in a forest? ❜ ❨249❩ ❛ Wherein does a woman’s honour reside? In her vagina or in her spirit? ❜ ❨250❩ ❛ Perhaps...I could not be content with mere contentment! ❜ ❨251❩ ❛ Have you ever stared stark failure in the face? The trick is to outstare it. ❜ ❨252❩ ❛ Sometimes it seems that the faces exist of themselves, in a disembodied somewhere, waiting for the one who will wear them, who will bring them to life. ❜ ❨253❩ ❛ I have the febrile gaiety of a being without a past, without a present, yet I exist. ❜ ❨254❩ ❛ I felt myself turning, willy-nilly, from a woman into an idea. ❜ ❨255❩ ❛ She looks wonderful, but she doesn't look right. ❜ ❨256❩ ❛ The one-eyed man will be King in the country of the blind. ❜ ❨257❩ ❛ I raised you up to fly to the heavens, not to brood over a clutch of eggs! ❜ ❨258❩ ❛ I love to hear my bones rattle. That’s how I know I’m alive. ❜ ❨259❩ ❛ I learnt, first, as the birds do, from the birds. ❜ ❨260❩ ❛ Inside and outside match exactly, but both are badly wrong. ❜ ❨261❩ ❛ During the less-than-blink of time it took the last chime to die, there came a vertiginous sensation. ❜ ❨262❩ ❛ I fear a wound not of the body but the soul, an irreconcilable division between myself and the rest of humankind. ❜ ❨263❩ ❛ I fear the proof of my own singularity. ❜ ❨264❩ ❛ Still nothing could calm the fearful storm in my erupting skin. ❜ ❨265❩ ❛ Petersburg, loveliest of all hallucinations. ❜ ❨266❩ ❛ A breathless second between black forest and the frozen sea. ❜ ❨267❩ ❛ I'm beginning to feel totally cut off from the world. ❜ ❨268❩ ❛ What does this all mean? Where are we? ❜ ❨269❩ ❛ Sometimes I bleed. ❜ ❨270❩ ❛ If you see a ghost, you say "hello". ❜ ❨271❩ ❛ The war is not over. ❜ ❨272❩ ❛ You're not going. You left us once already. ❜ ❨273❩ ❛ You can’t go! ❜ ❨274❩ ❛ I loved you, but that wasn't enough, was it? ❜ ❨275❩ ❛ If you're dead, then leave me in peace. ❜ ❨276❩ ❛ The only thing that moves here is the light, but it changes everything. ❜ ❨277❩ ❛ I won't ask for forgiveness for something I didn't do! ❜ ❨278❩ ❛ Sometimes the world of the living gets mixed up with the world of the dead. ❜ ❨279❩ ❛ Death of a loved one can lead people to do the strangest things. ❜ ❨280❩ ❛ Sooner or later, they will find you. ❜ ❨281❩ ❛ They're everywhere - they say this house is theirs. ❜ ❨282❩ ❛ You're always teasing me, and telling lies. I'm sick of it. ❜ ❨283❩ ❛ Others will come. Sometimes we'll sense them. Other times, we won't. ❜ ❨284❩ ❛ No crying now. No crying. Stop that. Here. Look what an awful face you've got when you cry. ❜ ❨285❩ ❛ You listen to me. I've seen them too. ❜ ❨286❩ ❛ You'll see. There are going to be some big surprises. There are going to be... changes. ❜ ❨287❩ ❛ Why did you go and fight that stupid war that had nothing to do with us? Why didn't you stay like the others did? ❜ ❨288❩ ❛ Your place was here with your family. ❜ ❨289❩ ❛ So you say you know this house well? ❜ ❨290❩ ❛ I wasn't expecting you so soon. ❜ ❨291❩ ❛ What's the matter? Has the cat got your tongue? ❜ ❨292❩ ❛ You mean they just vanished? Into thin air? ❜ ❨293❩ ❛ No door must be opened without the previous one being closed first. ❜ ❨294❩ ❛ Here, most of the time, you can hardly see your way. ❜ ❨295❩ ❛ Whatever you do, don't open the curtains. ❜ ❨296❩ ❛ Now, come on. Eyes closed. ❜ ❨297❩ ❛ We start off with high hopes, then we bottle it. We realise that we’re all going to die, without really finding out the big answers. ❜ ❨298❩ ❛ By definition, you have to live until you die. Better to make that life as complete and enjoyable an experience as possible, in case death is shite, which I suspect it will be. ❜ ❨299❩ ❛ I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin’ else. ❜ ❨300❩ ❛ And the reasons? There are no reasons. ❜ ❨301❩ ❛ Love does not exist, it's like religion, made to control you. ❜ ❨302❩ ❛ After all, we're not fucking stupid. At least, we're not that fucking stupid. ❜ ❨303❩ ❛ You fucking knew that fucking cunt would fuck some cunt. ❜ ❨304❩ ❛ Everything in the street today seems soft focus. ❜ ❨305❩ ❛ What does that make us? The lowest of the low. ❜ ❨306❩ ❛ Take your best orgasm, multiply the feeling by twenty, and you're still fuckin’ miles off the pace. ❜ ❨307❩ ❛ It’s as if everything is a copy of what you knew before, similar, yet somehow lacking in its usual qualities, a bit like the way things are in a dream. ❜ ❨308❩ ❛ It’s all okay, it’s all beautiful; but I fear that this internal sea is going to subside soon, leaving this poisonous shite washed up, stranded up in my body. ❜ ❨309❩ ❛ It cuts me up. It confuses me. ❜ ❨310❩ ❛ It's not funny laughter. This is lynch mob laughter. ❜ ❨311❩ ❛ Protect me from those who wish to help us. ❜ ❨312❩ ❛ They mean well, and they mean well to me, but there's no way under the sun that they can appreciate what I feel, what I need. ❜ ❨313❩ ❛ The pit of melancholy is a bottomless one, and I am descending fast. ❜ ❨314❩ ❛ Living like this is a full-time business. ❜ ❨315❩ ❛ I’ll stand or fall alone. ❜ ❨316❩ ❛ We are no wiser now than at the start. ❜ ❨317❩ ❛ This is pathetic, and fucking boring. ❜ ❨318❩ ❛ Death is usually a process, rather than an event. ❜ ❨319❩ ❛ We're ruled by effete arseholes. What does that make us? ❜ ❨320❩ ❛ We are all acquaintances now. ❜ ❨321❩ ❛ The problem is that this beautiful ocean carries with it loads of poisonous flotsam and jetsam. ❜ ❨322❩ ❛ Life is beautiful. I'm going to enjoy it, and I'm going to have a long life. ❜ ❨323❩ ❛ The grim reality of impending death can be talked away by trying to invest in the present reality of life. ❜ ❨324❩ ❛ There must be more to life than this. ❜ ❨325❩ ❛ We all see what we want to see. ❜ ❨326❩ ❛ Statistically speaking, you're more likely to be killed by a member of your own family or a close friend, than by anyone else. ❜ ❨327❩ ❛ What am I living for and what am I dying for are the same question. ❜ ❨328❩ ❛ Maybe that's what love is: it's being pissed off. ❜ ❨329❩ ❛ You can forget who you are if you're alone too much. ❜ ❨330❩ ❛ Any religion is a shadow of God. But the shadows of God are not God. ❜ ❨331❩ ❛ Human understanding is fallible, and we see through a glass, darkly. ❜ ❨332❩ ❛ We must be a beacon of hope, because if you tell people there's nothing they can do, they will do worse than nothing. ❜ ❨333❩ ❛ Everyone wants to feel like a princess, and princesses are selfish and overbearing. ❜ ❨334❩ ❛ We shouldn't have been so scornful; we should have had compassion. But compassion takes work, and we were young. ❜ ❨335❩ ❛ How easy it is, treachery. You just slide into it. ❜ ❨336❩ ❛ Amazing how the heart clutches at anything familiar, whimpering: Mine! Mine! ❜ ❨337❩ ❛ All creatures know that some must die ; that all the rest may take and eat. ❜ ❨338❩ ❛ Is this the image of a god? My tooth for yours, your eye for mine? ❜ ❨339❩ ❛ Without the light, no chance; without the dark, no dance. ❜ ❨340❩ ❛ Why are we designed to see the world as supremely beautiful just as we're about to be snuffed? Do rabbits feel the same as the fox teeth bite down on their necks? Is it mercy? ❜ ❨341❩ ❛ Love is useless, it leads you into dumb exchanges in which you give too much away, and then you get bitter and mean. ❜ ❨342❩ ❛ Maybe sadness is a kind of hunger. Maybe the two go together. ❜ ❨343❩ ❛ Now I can see how that can happen. You can fall in love with anybody -- a fool, a criminal, a nothing. There are no good rules. ❜ ❨344❩ ❛ If you really want to stay the same age you are now forever and ever, try jumping off the roof: death's a sure-fire method for stopping time. ❜ ❨345❩ ❛ You couldn’t leave words lying around where our enemies might find them. ❜ ❨346❩ ❛ I'm fine, for the moment. And the moment is the only time we can be fine in. ❜ ❨347❩ ❛ Because if you can't wish, why bother? ❜ ❨348❩ ❛ It's better to hope than mope! ❜ ❨349❩ ❛ Reality has too much darkness in it. Too many crows. ❜ ❨350❩ ❛ In any case, time is not a thing that passes, it’s a sea on which you float. ❜ ❨351❩ ❛ I know I’m deceiving myself, but I prefer to deceive myself. I desperately need to believe such pure joy is still possible. ❜ ❨352❩ ❛ Too much God and you overdose. God needs to be filtered. ❜ ❨353❩ ❛ Behind my eyelids I saw an animal. It was golden colour, with gentle green eyes and canine teeth, and curly wool instead of fur. It opened its mouth, but it did not speak. Instead, it yawned. ❜ ❨354❩ ❛ ‘Why can't I believe?’ I asked the darkness. ❜ ❨355❩ ❛ Everyone’s too sad for everything. ❜ ❨356❩ ❛ If you can’t stop the waves, go sailing. ❜ ❨357❩ ❛ I would like to be the air that inhabits you for a moment only. I would like to be that unnoticed and that necessary. ❜ ❨358❩ ❛ Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them. ❜ ❨359❩ ❛ In the end, we'll all become stories. ❜ ❨360❩ ❛ I am inadequate and stupid, without worth. I might as well be dead. ❜ ❨361❩ ❛ If you knew what was going to happen, if you knew everything that was going to happen next—if you knew in advance the consequences of your own actions—you'd be doomed. You'd be ruined as God. ❜ ❨362❩ ❛ If you can't go through an obstacle, go around it. ❜ ❨363❩ ❛ Stupidity is the same as evil if you judge by the results. ❜ ❨364❩ ❛ Time in dreams is frozen. You can never get away from where you've been. ❜ ❨365❩ ❛ Male fantasies, male fantasies, is everything run by male fantasies? ❜ ❨366❩ ❛ We still think of a powerful man as a born leader and a powerful woman as an anomaly. ❜ ❨367❩ ❛ If I love you, is that a fact or a weapon? ❜ ❨368❩ ❛ You fit into me like a hook into an eye. ❜ ❨369❩ ❛ Knowing too much about other people puts you in their power, they have a claim on you, you are forced to understand their reasons for doing things and then you are weakened. ❜ ❨370❩ ❛ Farewells can be shattering, but returns are surely worse. ❜ ❨371❩ ❛ Women have curious ways of hurting someone else. ❜ ❨372❩ ❛ This is the one song everyone would like to learn: the song that is irresistible: the song that forces men to leap overboard in squadrons. ❜ ❨373❩ ❛ Get rid of death. Make it be spring. ❜ ❨374❩ ❛ You are innocent as a bathtub full of bullets. ❜ ❨375❩ ❛ I am the space you desecrate as you pass through. ❜ ❨376❩ ❛ Favour me and give me riches, destroy my enemies. Save me from death. ❜ ❨377❩ ❛ She is a raw voice loose in the rooms beneath me. ❜ ❨378❩ ❛ Isn't the moon warm enough for you, why do you need the blanket of another body? ❜ ❨379❩ ❛ This is a torch song. Touch me and you'll burn. ❜ ❨380❩ ❛ If you look long enough eventually you will see me. ❜ ❨381❩ ❛ I would like to sleep with you, to enter your sleep as its smooth dark wave slides over my head. ❜ ❨382❩ ❛ I would like to give you the silver branch, the small white flower, the one word that will protect you from the grief. ❜ ❨383❩ ❛ But some people can't tell where it hurts. They can't calm down. They can't ever stop howling. ❜ ❨384❩ ❛ How else can we live, these days, except in the midst of ruin? ❜ ❨385❩ ❛ What am I living for and what am I dying for are the same question. ❜ ❨386❩ ❛ Gods always come in handy, they justify almost anything. ❜ ❨387❩ ❛ We loved with a love that was more than love. ❜ ❨388❩ ❛ Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before. ❜ ❨389❩ ❛ The boundaries which divide life from death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where the one ends, and where the other begins? ❜ ❨390❩ ❛ There is no exquisite beauty without some strangeness in the proportion. ❜ ❨391❩ ❛ Never to suffer would never to have been blessed. ❜ ❨392❩ ❛ Believe only half of what you see and nothing that you hear. ❜ ❨393❩ ❛ And all I loved, I loved alone. ❜ ❨394❩ ❛ Years of love have been forgot, in the hatred of a minute. ❜ ❨395❩ ❛ The best things in life make you sweaty. ❜ ❨396❩ ❛ There are some secrets which do not permit themselves to be told. ❜ ❨397❩ ❛ Anything is better than this agony. ❜ ❨398❩ ❛ You fancy me mad. ❜ ❨399❩ ❛ I hear all things in the heaven and in the earth. ❜ ❨400❩ ❛ Who dares insult us with this blasphemous mockery? ❜ ❨401❩ ❛ Leave my loneliness unbroken! ❜ ❨402❩ ❛ A more than fiendish malevolence, gin-nurtured, thrills every fibre of my frame. ❜ ❨403❩ ❛ The fury of a demon instantly possessed me. I knew myself no longer. ❜ ❨404❩ ❛ Let my heart be still a moment. ❜ ❨405❩ ❛ You call it hope — It is but agony of desire. ❜ ❨406❩ ❛ Who has not, a hundred times, found himself committing a vile or silly action for no other reason than because he knows he should not? ❜ ❨407❩ ❛ To die laughing must be the most glorious of all glorious deaths! ❜ ❨408❩ ❛ The beating of a drum stimulates the soldier into courage. ❜ ❨409❩ ❛ Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive. ❜ ❨410❩ ❛ I have been happy, though in a dream. ❜ ❨411❩ ❛ Nevermore. ❜ ❨412❩ ❛ The truth is, I am heartily sick of this life. ❜ ❨413❩ ❛ I am convinced that every thing is going wrong. ❜ ❨414❩ ❛ The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our souls. ❜ ❨415❩ ❛ And if I died, at least I will have died for you! ❜ ❨416❩ ❛ It is impossible to say how first the idea entered my brain; but once conceived, it haunted me day and night. ❜ ❨417❩ ❛ Hurt and humiliation — But this, I can not take. ❜ ❨418❩ ❛ The walls in there have ears. ❜ ❨419❩ ❛ This is for your ears only. ❜ ❨420❩ ❛ What is it? You have me scared. ❜ ❨421❩ ❛ Whoever isn’t for us, is against us. ❜ ❨422❩ ❛ You are just a body; to be dumped, disposed of like a carcass, left out for the birds to feed on. ❜ ❨423❩ ❛ The dead will have to forgive me. ❜ ❨424❩ ❛ From now on and no matter how your mind may I change, I will not accept your help. ❜ ❨425❩ ❛ If death comes, so be it. There will be glory in it. ❜ ❨426❩ ❛ Live, then; and live with your choice. ❜ ❨427❩ ❛ I am doing what has to be done. ❜ ❨428❩ ❛ Nothing is going to stop the ones that love you from keeping on loving you. ❜ ❨429❩ ❛ Worst is the man who has all the good advice, and then because his nerve fails, fails to act in accordance with it, as a leader should. ❜ ❨430❩ ❛ Only a loony would walk himself into this. ❜ ❨431❩ ❛ Why do you need such fences and defences? ❜ ❨432❩ ❛ Enough. Do not anger me. ❜ ❨433❩ ❛ The gods, you think, will side with the likes of him? ❜ ❨434❩ ❛ Watch it. You are over stepping. ❜ ❨435❩ ❛ I warn you. You should keep a civil tongue. ❜ ❨436❩ ❛ There is no such thing as an oath the can not be broken. ❜ ❨437❩ ❛ Every now and then, the things you’d hardly let yourself imagine, actually happen. ❜ ❨438❩ ❛ And you stand over this? This is the truth? ❜ ❨439❩ ❛ The bigger the resistance, the bigger the collapse. ❜ ❨440❩ ❛ Iron that’s forged the hardest, snaps the quickest. ❜ ❨441❩ ❛ Even the wildest horses come to heel when they are reined & bitted right. ❜ ❨442❩ ❛ That’s how guilt affects some people. They break and everything comes out. ❜ ❨443❩ ❛ Will it be enough for you? To see me executed? ❜ ❨444❩ ❛ So you know something no one else knows? ❜ ❨445❩ ❛ They know it too. They are just too afraid to say it. ❜ ❨446❩ ❛ If you die, how will I keep on living? ❜ ❨447❩ ❛ There was a star riding through clouds one night, & I said to the star, 'Consume me'. ❜ ❨448❩ ❛ How much better to sit by myself like the solitary sea-bird that opens its wings on the stake. ❜ ❨449❩ ❛ Alone, I often fall down into nothingness. I have to bang my head against some hard door to call myself back to the body. ❜ ❨450❩ ❛ I am made and remade continually. Different people draw different words from me. ❜ ❨451❩ ❛ For this moment, this one moment, we are together. ❜ ❨452❩ ❛ Come, pain, feed on me. Bury your fangs in my flesh. Tear me asunder. ❜ ❨453❩ ❛ I am as neat as a cat in my habits. ❜ ❨454❩ ❛ Everything falls in a tremendous shower, dissolving me. ❜ ❨455❩ ❛ I am the foam that sweeps and fills the uttermost rims of the rocks with whiteness; I am also a girl, here in this room. ❜ ❨456❩ ❛ We are cut, we are fallen. We are become part of that unfeeling universe ❨457❩ that sleeps when we are at our quickest and burns red when we lie ❨458❩ asleep. ❜ ❨459❩ ❛ These moments of escape are not to be despised. They come too seldom. ❜ ❨460❩ ❛ Up here my eyes are green leaves, unseeing. ❜ ❨461❩ ❛ The moment is all; the moment is enough. ❜ ❨462❩ ❛ I do not want to be admired. I want to give, to be given. ❜ ❨463❩ ❛ I am not one and simple, but complex and many. ❜ ❨464❩ ❛ And if you are dead, I shall weep. ❜ ❨465❩ ❛ But beauty must be broken daily to remain beautiful. ❜ ❨466❩ ❛ But our hatred is almost indistinguishable from our love. ❜ ❨467❩ ❛ I desired always to stretch the night and fill it fuller and fuller with dreams. ❜ ❨468❩ ❛ Life is a dream surely. ❜ ❨469❩ ❛ I think sometimes I am not a woman, but the light that falls on this gate, on this ground. I am the seasons, I think sometimes, January, May, November; the mud, the mist, the dawn. ❜ ❨470❩ ❛ Oh, I am in love with life! ❜ ❨471❩ ❛ I have been knotted; I have been torn apart. ❜ ❨472❩ ❛ There was no freedom in life, and certainly there was none in death. ❜ ❨473❩ ❛ I do not know. I do not know myself sometimes, or how to measure and name and count out the grains that make me what I am. ❜ ❨474❩ ❛ I ride rough waters, and shall sink with no one to save me. ❜ ❨475❩ ❛ I am above the earth now. I am no longer upright, to be knocked against and damaged. ❜ ❨476❩ ❛ I see it all. I feel it all. ❜ ❨477❩ ❛ Death is woven in with the violets. Death and again death. ❜ ❨478❩ ❛ We have been walking for hours it seems. But where? I cannot remember. ❜ ❨479❩ ❛ If we were all on trial for our thoughts, we would all be hanged. ❜ ❨480❩ ❛ When you are in the middle of a story it isn't a story at all, but only a confusion; a dark roaring, a blindness, a wreckage of shattered glass. ❜ ❨481❩ ❛ Murderess is a strong word to have attached to you. It has a smell to it, that word; - musky and oppressive, like dead flowers in a vase. ❜ ❨482❩ ❛ Sometimes at night I whisper it over to myself: Murderess, murderess. It rustles, like a taffeta skirt across the floor. ❜ ❨483❩ ❛ If the world treats you well, you come to believe you are deserving of it. ❜ ❨484❩ ❛ If I am good enough and quiet enough, perhaps after all they will let me go. ❜ ❨485❩ ❛ It’s not easy being quiet and good, it’s like hanging on to the edge of a bridge when you’ve already fallen over; you don’t seem to be moving, just dangling there, and yet it is taking all your strength. ❜ ❨486❩ ❛ There is no fool like an educated fool. ❜ ❨487❩ ❛ There are many dangerous things that may take place in a bed. ❜ ❨488❩ ❛ I am afraid of falling into hopeless despair, over my wasted life, and I am still not sure how it happened. ❜ ❨489❩ ❛ Underneath it all is another feeling, a feeling of being wide-eyed awake and watchful. ❜ ❨490❩ ❛ And underneath all that is another feeling still, a feeling like being torn open; not like a body of flesh, it is not painful as such, but like a peach; and not even torn open, but ripe and splitting open of its own accord. ❜ ❨491❩ ❛ The small details of life often hide a great significance. ❜ ❨492❩ ❛ Guilt comes to you not from the things you've done, but from the things that others have done to you. ❜ ❨493❩ ❛ I wonder, how can I be all of these different things at once? ❜ ❨494❩ ❛ It is always a mistake to curse back openly at those who are stronger than you unless there is a fence between. ❜ ❨495❩ ❛ Some call this "Eve's curse," but I think that is stupid because the real curse of Eve was having to put up with the nonsense of Adam. ❜ ❨496❩ ❛ I don't know why they are all so eager to be remembered. What good will it do them? There are some things that should be forgotten by everyone, and never spoken of again. ❜ ❨497❩ ❛ I would never blame a human creature for feeling lonely. ❜ ❨498❩ ❛ If they want a monster so badly they ought to be provided by one. ❜ ❨499❩ ❛ It’s as if I never existed, because no trace of me remains, I have left no marks. And that way I cannot be followed. It is almost the same as being innocent. ❜ ❨500❩ ❛ Today you wear your habitual expression of strained anxiety; you smell of violets. ❜ ❨501❩ ❛ Of course you have always been an idealist, and filled with your optimistic dreams; but reality must at some time obtrude. ❜ ❨502❩ ❛ I wonder what would become of me, and comfort myself that in a hundred years I will be dead and at peace. ❜ ❨503❩ ❛ For it is not always the one that strikes the blow that is the actual murderer. ❜ ❨504❩ ❛ There is a “do this” or “do that” with God, but not any “because”. ❜ ❨505❩ ❛ If you have a need and they find it out, they will use it against you. The best way is to stop from wanting anything. ❜ ❨506❩ ❛ They say, why don’t you ever smile or laugh, we never see you smiling, and I say I suppose I have gotten out of the way of it, my face won’t bend in that direction any more. ❜ ❨507❩ ❛ I was shut up inside that doll of myself, and my true voice could not get out. ❜ ❨508❩ ❛ I see what you’re after. You are a collector. You think all you have to do is give me an apple, and then you can collect me. ❜ ❨509❩ ❛ If you want to be an asshole, it's a free country. Millions before you have made the same life choice. ❜ ❨510❩ ❛ Then there's the future. Sheer vertigo. ❜ ❨511❩ ❛ Nature is to zoos as God is to churches. ❜ ❨512❩ ❛ After everything that's happened, how can the world still be so beautiful? ❜ ❨513❩ ❛ There's something to be said for hunger: at least it lets you know you're still alive. ❜ ❨514❩ ❛ These things sneak up on me for no reason, these flashes of irrational happiness. It's probably a vitamin deficiency. ❜ ❨515❩ ❛ Toast cannot be explained by any rational means. Toast is me. I am toast. ❜ ❨516❩ ❛ You can’t buy it, but it has a price. Everything has a price. ❜ ❨517❩ ❛ As a species were doomed by hope, then? You could call it hope. That, or desperation. ❜ ❨518❩ ❛ I am not my childhood. ❜ ❨519❩ ❛ Human beings hope they can stick their souls into someone else and live on forever. ❜ ❨520❩ ❛ “I'll make you mine”, lovers said in old books. They never said, “I'll make you me.” ❜ ❨521❩ ❛ How much is too much, how far is too far? ❜ ❨522❩ ❛ Expectation isn't the same as desire. ❜ ❨523❩ ❛ Why not cut to the chase? ❜ ❨524❩ ❛ Maybe there aren't any solutions. Human society, corpses and rubble. ❜ ❨525❩ ❛ I thought you didn’t believe in God. ❜ ❨526❩ ❛ I need at least the illusion of being understood. ❜ ❨527❩ ❛ What change would have altered the course of events? In the big picture, nothing. In the small picture, so much. ❜ ❨528❩ ❛ You are only looking at the dirt under your feet. It's not good for you. ❜ ❨529❩ ❛ I like to keep only the bright side of myself turned towards you. ❜ ❨530❩ ❛ Grief in the face of inevitable death. The wish to stop time. The human condition. ❜ ❨531❩ ❛ So many crucial events take place behind people’s backs, when they aren’t in a position to watch: birth and death, for instance. ❜ ❨532❩ ❛ Would you kill someone you loved to spare them pain? ❜ ❨533❩ ❛ When the water’s moving faster than the boat, you can’t control a thing. ❜ ❨534❩ ❛ Don't be so fucking sentimental. ❜ ❨535❩ ❛ Wrong, as usual. ❜ ❨536❩ ❛ Why do you want to talk about ugly things? ❜ ❨537❩ ❛ I understand why serial killers send helpful clues to the police. ❜ ❨538❩ ❛ Take your time, leave mine alone. ❜ ❨539❩ ❛ You will hear thunder and remember me. ❜ ❨540❩ ❛ If you were music, I would listen to you ceaselessly. ❜ ❨541❩ ❛ I seem to myself an accidental guest in this dreadful body. ❜ ❨542❩ ❛ Call me a sinner, mock me maliciously. ❜ ❨543❩ ❛ I, from the very beginning, seemed to myself like someone's dream or delirium. Or a reflection in someone else's mirror. Without flesh, without meaning, without a name. ❜ ❨544❩ ❛ I knew the list of crimes that I was destined to commit. ❜ ❨545❩ ❛ The future ripens in the past, so the past rots in the future. ❜ ❨546❩ ❛ You are untranslatable into any one tongue. ❜ ❨547❩ ❛ I was hoping my silence would fit yours. ❜ ❨548❩ ❛ See, we were never about butterflies. All about us is unearthly and radiant. ❜ ❨549❩ ❛ You do not know just what you've been forgiven. ❜ ❨550❩ ❛ I need to slaughter my memory. ❜ ❨551❩ ❛ Forgive me that I appeared to you in waking dreams. ❜ ❨552❩ ❛ I will condemn, I will forget, I will give comfort to the enemy. ❜ ❨553❩ ❛ I know beginnings, I know endings too, and life-in-death. ❜ ❨554❩ ❛ Wild honey smells of freedom. But gold smells of nothing. ❜ ❨555❩ ❛ You are three times more beautiful than angels. ❜ ❨556❩ ❛ I will kill you without spilling your blood on the ground, not touching you with my hand, not giving you one glance. ❜ ❨557❩ ❛ You invented me. There is no such earthly being. ❜ ❨558❩ ❛ You’re late. Way too late. I’m glad to see you, nonetheless. ❜ ❨559❩ ❛ Forgive me that I felt forsaken. Forgive me that I kept mistaking too many others for you. ❜ ❨560❩ ❛ Real tenderness can’t be confused, it’s quiet and can’t be heard. ❜ ❨561❩ ❛ What else lived in that house besides us? ❜ ❨562❩ ❛ How unhappy we are together! ❜ ❨563❩ ❛ I defend not my voice, but my silence. ❜ ❨564❩ ❛ Without love, I'm more at ease, I'm sure. ❜ ❨565❩ ❛ I've got no more tears or explanations. ❜ ❨566❩ ❛ I’m not complaining. Happiness is not for me. ❜ ❨567❩ ❛ Are you not the only tie between good and evil, earthly pits and paradise? ❜ ❨568❩ ❛ In the morning we shall find out who has died in the night. ❜ ❨569❩ ❛ I was not a lovable child, and I've grown into a deeply unlovable adult. ❜ ❨570❩ ❛ The truly frightening flaw in humanity is our capacity for cruelty - we all have it. ❜ ❨571❩ ❛ I have a meanness inside me, real as an organ. Slit me at my belly and it might slide out, meaty and dark. ❜ ❨572❩ ❛ I am not angry or sad or happy to see you. I could not give a shit. You don't even ripple. ❜ ❨573❩ ❛ I was raised feral, and I mostly stayed that way. ❜ ❨574❩ ❛ I can feel a better version of me somewhere in there - hidden behind a liver or attached to a bit of spleen. But the meanness usually wins out. ❜ ❨575❩ ❛ I felt something loosen in me, that shouldn't have loosened. A stitch come undone. ❜ ❨576❩ ❛ Everyone who keeps a secret, itches to tell it. ❜ ❨577❩ ❛ Coffee goes great with sudden death. ❜ ❨578❩ ❛ I should just listen to my gut and then do the opposite. ❜ ❨579❩ ❛ “Smile, it can't be that bad!” Yeah, actually, it can, jackwad. ❜ ❨580❩ ❛ Everything bad in the world already did happen. ❜ ❨581❩ ❛ You’re going to find peace? Like knowing is somehow going to fix you? ❜ ❨582❩ ❛ Instead of asking yourself what happened, just accept that it happened. ❜ ❨583❩ ❛ Homesick for a place I've never been. ❜ ❨584❩ ❛ Worries find you easily enough without inviting them. ❜ ❨585❩ ❛ It is always consoling to think of suicide. It's what gets one through many a bad night. ❜ ❨586❩ ❛ Do you understand this is serious? ❜ ❨587❩ ❛ Sometimes it feels good to fuck with something. Instead of always being fucked with. ❜ ❨588❩ ❛ How could you kill something you cared enough to name? ❜ ❨589❩ ❛ Draw a picture of my soul, and it’d be a scribble with fangs. ❜ ❨590❩ ❛ We have the same chemicals in our blood: shame, anger, greed. Unjustified nostalgia. ❜ ❨591❩ ❛ I appreciate a straightforward apology the way a tone-deaf person enjoys a fine piece of music. ❜ ❨592❩ ❛ The phrase fuck you may not rest on the tip of my tongue, but it’s near. Midtongue. ❜ ❨593❩ ❛ Nothing to it but to do it. ❜ ❨594❩ ❛ There are a lot of people who deserve a lesson, deserve to really understand, that nothing comes easy, that most things are going to go sour. ❜ ❨595❩ ❛ If ifs and buts were candies and nuts we’d all have a very Merry Christmas. ❜ ❨596❩ ❛ Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. ❜ ❨597❩ ❛ What does it do to a girl who knows her mother is a murderer? ❜ ❨598❩ ❛ That mean old bitch across the street bit it. ❜ ❨599❩ ❛ Survival is a talent. ❜ ❨600❩ ❛ Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It’s you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever. ❜ ❨601❩ ❛ Who has the courage to burn themselves? ❜ ❨602❩ ❛ Is insanity just a matter of dropping the act? ❜ ❨603❩ ❛ Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? ❜ ❨604❩ ❛ You need to be well fed, clothed, and housed to have time for this much self-pity. ❜ ❨605❩ ❛ When I am supposed to be awake, I am asleep; when I am supposed to speak, I am silent. When a pleasure offers itself to me, I avoid it. ❜ ❨606❩ ❛ There is thought, and then there is thinking about thoughts, and they don't feel the same. ❜ ❨607❩ ❛ In a strange way we are free. We've reached the end of the line. We have nothing more to lose. ❜ ❨608❩ ❛ The world won’t stop because we aren’t in it anymore. ❜ ❨609❩ ❛ I can't answer the real question. All I can tell you is, it's easy. ❜ ❨610❩ ❛ I am lighter, airier than I’ve been in years. ❜ ❨611❩ ❛ I am not dead, yet something in me definitely is. ❜ ❨612❩ ❛ You meant that as an insult but I am taking it as a compliment. ❜ ❨613❩ ❛ What life can recover from that? ❜ ❨614❩ ❛ It's a fairly accurate portrait of me. It's accurate but it isn't profound. ❜ ❨615❩ ❛ Pull yourself together! There's nothing wrong with you. ❜ ❨616❩ ❛ It's quiet. It's like― I don't know. It's like falling off a cliff. ❜ ❨617❩ ❛ Once you start parsing a face, it's a peculiar item: squishy, pointy, with lots of air vents and wet spots. ❜ ❨618❩ ❛ I lost him. I did it on purpose. ❜ ❨619❩ ❛ It’s a mean world. There’s nobody to take care of you out there. ❜ ❨620❩ ❛ Reality is getting too dense. ❜ ❨621❩ ❛ I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favourite word. ❜ ❨622❩ ❛ I can't come up with reassuring answers to the terrible questions you raise. ❜ ❨623❩ ❛ A spring day, the sort that gives people hope: all soft winds and delicate smells of warm earth. Suicide weather. ❜ ❨624❩ ❛ Twenty-five chocolate chip cookies would be the perfect dinner. ❜ ❨625❩ ❛ A thought is a hard thing to control. ❜ ❨626❩ ❛ Life demands skills I don’t have. ❜ ❨627❩ ❛ Light like this does not exist, but we wish it did. We wish the sun could make us young and beautiful. Most of all, we wish that everyone we knew could be brightened simply by our looking at them. ❜ ❨628❩ ❛ It never stops, even at night, it’s my lullaby. ❜ ❨629❩ ❛ Love blurs your vision; but after it recedes, you can see more clearly than ever. ❜ ❨630❩ ❛ This is the kind of thing you see if you sit in the darkness with open eyes. ❜ ❨631❩ ❛ I have done something wrong, something so huge I can't even see it, something that's drowning me. ❜ ❨632❩ ❛ Whatever is happening to me is my own fault. ❜ ❨633❩ ❛ Hatred is easier. Hatred is clear, metallic, one-handed, unwavering; unlike love. ❜ ❨634❩ ❛ Potential has a shelf life. ❜ ❨635❩ ❛ Don’t move. Stay like that, let me have that. ❜ ❨636❩ ❛ I have come to the edge, of the land. I could get pushed over. ❜ ❨637❩ ❛ Never pray for justice, because you might get some. ❜ ❨638❩ ❛ It disturbs me to learn I have hurt someone unintentionally. I want all my hurts to be intentional. ❜ ❨639❩ ❛ We have been shark to one another, but also lifeboat. That counts for something. ❜ ❨640❩ ❛ This is what I miss, not something that’s gone, but something that will never happen. ❜ ❨641❩ ❛ I am not good. I know too much to be good. I know myself. I know myself to be vengeful, greedy, secretive and sly. ❜ ❨642❩ ❛ You are amazing. Amazing and agonising and almost lethal. ❜ ❨643❩ ❛ In my dreams of this city I am always lost. ❜ ❨644❩ ❛ I don't know where these feelings have come from, I don’t know what I've done. ❜ ❨645❩ ❛ I am not the centre of your story, you are. ❜ ❨646❩ ❛ I’m mad because you’re an asshole. ❜ ❨647❩ ❛ It's enormously pleasing to me, walking away. It's like being able to make people appear and vanish, at will. ❜ ❨648❩ ❛ There is never only one of anyone. ❜ ❨649❩ ❛ I can't do this without feeling I'm acting. ❜ ❨650❩ ❛ I am prepared for almost anything; except absence, except silence. ❜ ❨651❩ ❛ I’m losing my appetite for strangers. ❜ ❨652❩ ❛ You wear your cravings on the outside, like the suckers on a squid. You want it all. ❜ ❨653❩ ❛ Knowing too much about other people weakens you. You are forced to understand their reasons for doing things. ❜ ❨654❩ ❛ I have lost confidence: perhaps all I will ever be is what I am now. ❜ ❨655❩ ❛ Echoes of light, shining out of the midst of nothing. It's old light, and there's not much of it. But it's enough to see by. ❜ ❨656❩ ❛ Whoever cares the most will lose. ❜ ❨657❩ ❛ Young women need unfairness, it’s one of their few defences. ❜ ❨658❩ ❛ Time has gone on without you. ❜ ❨659❩ ❛ Don't let the bastards grind you down. ❜ ❨660❩ ❛ Who can remember pain, once it’s over? Pain marks you, but too deep to see. Out of sight, out of mind. ❜ ❨661❩ ❛ Better never means better for everyone. It always means worse, for some. ❜ ❨662❩ ❛ There is more than one kind of freedom. Freedom to and freedom from. ❜ ❨663❩ ❛ Remember that forgiveness too is a power. ❜ ❨664❩ ❛ I am not your justification for existence. ❜ ❨665❩ ❛ I want to be valued, in ways that I am not; I want to be more than valuable. ❜ ❨666❩ ❛ If it's a story I'm telling, then I have control over the ending. ❜ ❨667❩ ❛ All you have to do is keep your mouth shut and look stupid. It shouldn't be that hard. ❜ ❨668❩ ❛ Truly amazing, what people can get used to, as long as there are a few compensations. ❜ ❨669❩ ❛ I want everything back, the way it was. ❜ ❨670❩ ❛ You can't help what you feel, but you can help how you behave. ❜ ❨671❩ ❛ Nothing changes instantaneously: in a gradually heating bathtub you'd be boiled to death before you knew it. ❜ ❨672❩ ❛ To want is to have a weakness. ❜ ❨673❩ ❛ There isn't even an enemy you could put your finger on. ❜ ❨674❩ ❛ The past is a great darkness, filled with echoes. ❜ ❨675❩ ❛ Ordinary is what you are used to. This may not seem ordinary to you now, but after a time it will. It will become ordinary. ❜ ❨676❩ ❛ I wish this story were different. I wish it were more civilised. I wish it showed me in a better light. ❜ ❨677❩ ❛ The night is mine, my own time, to do with it as I will, as long as I am quiet. As long as I don't move. As long as I lie still. ❜ ❨678❩ ❛ By telling you anything at all I'm at least believing in you. ❜ ❨679❩ ❛ Whatever is silenced will clamour to be heard. ❜ ❨680❩ ❛ Don't worry about forgiving me right now. There are more important things. ❜ ❨681❩ ❛ Keep the others safe. Don't let them suffer too much. If they have to die, let it be fast. ❜ ❨682❩ ❛ The body is so easily damaged, so easily disposed of, water and chemicals is all it is, hardly more to it than a jellyfish, drying on sand. ❜ ❨683❩ ❛ The world is full of weapons if you're looking for them. ❜ ❨684❩ ❛ Nobody's heart is perfect. ❜ ❨685❩ ❛ One false move and I'm dead. ❜ ❨686❩ ❛ Watch out. I've got my eye on you. ❜ ❨687❩ ❛ Fear is a powerful stimulant. ❜ ❨688❩ ❛ I couldn't afford to lose you. ❜ ❨689❩ ❛ Name one hero who was happy. ---- You can’t. ❜ ❨690❩ ❛ I feel like I could eat the world raw. ❜ ❨691❩ ❛ We are like gods at the dawning of the world. ❜ ❨692❩ ❛ I could recognise him by touch alone, by smell; I would know him blind, by the way his breaths came and his feet struck the earth. I would know him in death, at the end of the world. ❜ ❨693❩ ❛ There are no bargains between lion and men. I will kill you and eat you raw. ❜ ❨694❩ ❛ You can use a spear as a walking stick, but that will not change its nature. ❜ ❨695❩ ❛ He is a weapon, a killer. Do not forget it. ❜ ❨696❩ ❛ Some men gain glory after they die, others fade. ❜ ❨697❩ ❛ I am made of memories. ❜ ❨698❩ ❛ Will you come with me? ❜ ❨699❩ ❛ I wish I had let you all die. ❜ ❨700❩ ❛ It is right to seek peace for the dead. You and I both know there is no peace for those who live after. ❜ ❨701❩ ❛ Bury us. Let us be free. ❜ ❨702❩ ❛ Go. He waits for you. ❜ ❨703❩ ❛ Nothing could eclipse the stain of this dirty, mortal mediocrity. ❜ ❨704❩ ❛ I know I have told you of this. ❜ ❨705❩ ❛ I don't know how you remember them all. I swear they look the same to me. ❜ ❨706❩ ❛ Perhaps you should get some new stories, so I don’t fucking kill myself of boredom. ❜ ❨707❩ ❛ I yearn for the darkness and silence of the underworld, where I can rest. ❜ ❨708❩ ❛ There is no honour in betraying your friends. ❜ ❨709❩ ❛ There is no answer. Whichever you choose, you are wrong. ❜ ❨710❩ ❛ Divine blood flows differently. ❜ ❨711❩ ❛ How is there glory in taking life? We die so easily. ❜ ❨712❩ ❛ This is what I will miss, I think. I will kill myself rather than miss it. ❜ ❨713❩ ❛ How long do we have? ❜ ❨714❩ ❛ Do you think we fight hopeless wars? ❜ ❨715❩ ❛ There is no law that gods must be fair. ❜ ❨716❩ ❛ I do not fear ridicule. I never have. ❜ ❨717❩ ❛ You were always better with words than I. ❜ ❨718❩ ❛ Who can be ashamed to lose to such beauty? ❜ ❨719❩ ❛ When you see beauty in desolation it changes something inside you. ❜ ❨720❩ ❛ That's how the madness of the world tries to colonise you: from the outside in, forcing you to live in its reality. ❜ ❨721❩ ❛ The shadows of the abyss are like the petals of a monstrous flower that shall blossom within the skull and expand the mind beyond what any man can bear. ❜ ❨722❩ ❛ Silence creates violence. ❜ ❨723❩ ❛ Some questions will ruin you if you are denied the answer long enough. ❜ ❨724❩ ❛ There are certain kinds of connections that are so deep that when broken you feel the snap of it inside you. ❜ ❨725❩ ❛ Nothing that ever lived and breathed was truly objective—even in a vacuum, even if all that possessed the brain was a self-immolating desire for the truth. ❜ ❨726❩ ❛ We all live in a kind of continuous dream. ❜ ❨727❩ ❛ You can either waste time worrying about a death that might not come or concentrate on what’s left to you. ❜ ❨728❩ ❛ What can you do when your five senses are not enough? ❜ ❨729❩ ❛ We will neither be what we had been nor what we would become once we reach our destination. ❜ ❨730❩ ❛ Perhaps my only real expertise, my only talent, is to endure beyond the endurable. ❜ ❨731❩ ❛ When you are too close to the centre of a mystery there is no way to pull back. ❜ ❨732❩ ❛ I long ago stopped believing in promises. Biological imperatives, yes. Environmental factors, yes. Promises, no. ❜ ❨733❩ ❛ I look not for shooting stars but for fixed ones, and I try to imagine what kind of life lives in those celestial tidal pools so far from us. ❜ ❨734❩ ❛ I hesitated for just a moment. Some part of me wanted to see the creature, I think. If so, it was a very small part. I ran. ❜ ❨735❩ ❛ I don’t require any of this to have a deeper meaning. ❜ ❨736❩ ❛ All of this speculation is incomplete, inexact, inaccurate, useless. ❜ ❨737❩ ❛ We don’t have real answers, because we still don’t know what questions to ask. Our instruments are useless, our methodology broken, our motivations selfish. ❜ ❨738❩ ❛ This part I will do alone. Don’t follow. ❜ ❨739❩ ❛ People my entire life have told me I am too much in control, but that has never been the case. I have never truly been in control. ❜ ❨740❩ ❛ Has there always been someone like me to bury the bodies, to have regrets, to carry on after everyone else was dead? ❜ ❨741❩ ❛ I loved them, but I didn’t need them, and I thought that was the way it was supposed to be. ❜ ❨742❩ ❛ Places can impress themselves upon me, and I can become part of them with ease. ❜ ❨743❩ ❛ There is no one with me. I am all by myself. ❜ ❨744❩ ❛ Pretending often leads to becoming a reasonable facsimile of what you mimic. ❜ ❨745❩ ❛ I think you're confusing suicide with self-destruction, and they're very different. Almost none of us commit suicide, whereas almost all of us self-destruct. ❜ ❨746❩ ❛ What did you eat? You had rations for only two weeks. You were there for nearly four months. ❜ ❨747❩ ❛ Something here is making giant waves in the gene pool. ❜ ❨748❩ ❛ I need to know what’s inside. ❜ ❨749❩ ❛ These aren't decisions. They're impulses ❜ ❨750❩ ❛ What do you think I do when you’re away? Do you think I’m out in the garden pinning, looking up at the sky? ❜ ❨751❩ ❛ If I know what’s happened I can save their life. ❜ ❨752❩ ❛ They either went crazy or something in here killed them. ❜ ❨753❩ ❛ Something is coming through the fence! ❜ ❨754❩ ❛ Nothing is written in the stars. Not these stars, nor any others. No one controls your destiny. ❜ ❨755❩ ❛ People who claim that they're evil are usually no worse than the rest of us. ❜ ❨756❩ ❛ Happy endings are still endings. ❜ ❨757❩ ❛ We believe in all sorts of things that aren't true; -- we call it history. ❜ ❨758❩ ❛ Does the devil ever struggle to be good again, or if so is he not a devil? ❜ ❨759❩ ❛ In the lives of children, pumpkins turn into coaches, mice and rats turn into men. When we grow up, we realise it is far more common for men to turn into rats. ❜ ❨760❩ ❛ Girls need cold anger. They need the cold simmer, the ceaseless grudge, the talent to avoid forgiveness, the side stepping of compromise. ❜ ❨761❩ ❛ Love makes hunters of us all. ❜ ❨762❩ ❛ There is much to hate in this world and way too much to love. ❜ ❨763❩ ❛ You confuse not speaking with not listening. ❜ ❨764❩ ❛ As long as people are going to call you a lunatic anyway, why not get the benefit of it? It liberates you from convention. ❜ ❨765❩ ❛ The eye is always caught by light, but shadows have more to say. ❜ ❨766❩ ❛ Not everyone is born a witch or a saint. Not everyone is born talented, or crooked, or blessed; some are born definite in no particular at all. ❜ ❨767❩ ❛ We are a fountain of shimmering contradictions, most of us. ❜ ❨768❩ ❛ The wickedness of men is that their power breeds stupidity and blindness. ❜ ❨769❩ ❛ I know you don't want to hear this but someone has to say it! You are out of control! ❜ ❨770❩ ❛ Even at the very worst - there is always choice. ❜ ❨771❩ ❛ Maybe the definition of home is the place where you are never forgiven. So you may always belong there, bound by guilt. And maybe the cost of belonging is worth it. ❜ ❨772❩ ❛ Cross a man and you struggle, one of you wins, you adjust and go on -- or you lie there dead. Cross a woman and the entire universe is changed. ❜ ❨773❩ ❛ That was such a wonderful time, even in its strangeness and sadness. Life isn't the same now. It's wonderful, but it isn't the same. ❜ ❨774❩ ❛ I don't care for approval, and I don't mind doing without. ❜ ❨775❩ ❛ It's where I live. A permanent state of bereavement. This is nothing new. ❜ ❨776❩ ❛ Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. Always the godfather, never the god. ❜ ❨777❩ ❛ The world unwraps itself to you, again and again as soon as you are ready to see it anew. ❜ ❨778❩ ❛ Evil is an act, not an appetite. Everyone has the appetite. If you give in to it, that act is evil. The appetite is normal. ❜ ❨779❩ ❛ How many haven't wanted to slash the throat of some boor across the dining room table? ❜ ❨780❩ ❛ Even God used silence as a strategy. ❜ ❨781❩ ❛ I learned failure early and mastered it. ❜ ❨782❩ ❛ It isn't whether you do it well or ill, it's that you do it all. ❜ ❨783❩ ❛ This is why you shouldn't fall in love, it blinds you. Love is a very wicked distraction. ❜ ❨784❩ ❛ Wisdom is not the understanding of mystery. Wisdom is accepting that mystery is beyond understanding. That's what makes it mystery. ❜ ❨785❩ ❛ Wrong takes an awful long time to be proven, in my experience. ❜ ❨786❩ ❛ Such brightness, as you know, decays brilliantly. ❜ ❨787❩ ❛ I take responsibility only for the future, not the past. The past can't hurt you the way the future can. ❜ ❨788❩ ❛ Tell me to mind my own business, tell me to go fuck myself, to piss off, go on, say it, but don’t tell me nothing’s wrong. ❜ ❨789❩ ❛ The truth isn't a thing of fact or reason. It is simply what everyone agrees on. ❜ ❨790❩ ❛ One can't make peace with another by force. ❜ ❨791❩ ❛ I am a forgettable leaf on a tree. ❜ ❨792❩ ❛ That's all I want; --- to do no harm. ❜ ❨793❩ ❛ I only believe in the opposite of luck, whatever that is. ❜ ❨794❩ ❛ Human beings are not born once and for all on the day their mothers give birth to them, life obliges them over and over again to give birth to themselves. ❜ ❨795❩ ❛ You’re too young to know that the heart's memory eliminates the bad and magnifies the good, and thanks to that we manage to endure the burden of the past. ❜ ❨796❩ ❛ Love, no matter what else it might be, is a natural talent. You are either born knowing how, or you never know. ❜ ❨797❩ ❛ Whatever you do, you will be sorry all the rest of your life. ❜ ❨798❩ ❛ There is no God worth worrying about. ❜ ❨799❩ ❛ The only regret I will have in dying is if it is not for love. ❜ ❨800❩ ❛ Wisdom comes to us when it can no longer do any good. ❜ ❨801❩ ❛ Think of love as a state of grace, not the means to anything, but the very end in itself. ❜ ❨802❩ ❛ Only God knows how much I love you. ❜ ❨803❩ ❛ There is no greater glory than to die for love. ❜ ❨804❩ ❛ Nothing resembles a person as much as the way he dies. ❜ ❨805❩ ❛ Take advantage of it now, while you are young, and suffer all you can, because these things don't last your whole life. ❜ ❨806❩ ❛ Today, when I saw you, I realised that what is between us is nothing more than an illusion. ❜ ❨807❩ ❛ I have waited for this opportunity for more than half a century. ❜ ❨808❩ ❛ I want to be myself again, to recover all that I was obliged to give up. ❜ ❨809❩ ❛ The only thing worse than bad health is a bad name. ❜ ❨810❩ ❛ This soup tastes like windows. ❜ ❨811❩ ❛ Why do you insist on talking about what does not exist? ❜ ❨812❩ ❛ One has to live a long time to know a man's true nature. ❜ ❨813❩ ❛ No, not rich, I am a poor man with money, which is not the same thing. ❜ ❨814❩ ❛ My heart has more rooms than a whorehouse. ❜ ❨815❩ ❛ That may be the reason he does so many things, so that he will not have to think. ❜ ❨816❩ ❛ Love if it exists, is something separate: another life. ❜ ❨817❩ ❛ Things did not go as badly for me as they would for you. ❜ ❨818❩ ❛ There are things you do only for love. ❜ ❨819❩ ❛ I’ll have plenty of time to rest when I die. ❜ ❨820❩ ❛ There is no innocence more dangerous than the innocence of age. ❜ ❨821❩ ❛ You treat me as if I were just anybody. ❜ ❨822❩ ❛ The symptoms of love are the same as those of cholera. ❜ ❨823❩ ❛ There is no law, human or divine, that you have not ignored. ❜ ❨824❩ ❛ Why is it that I feel I've known you so many years? ❜ ❨825❩ ❛ Stuff your eyes with wonder, live as if you'd drop dead in ten seconds. See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories. ❜ ❨826❩ ❛ It doesn't matter what you do, so long as you change something from the way it was before you touched it into something that's like you after you take your hands away. ❜ ❨827❩ ❛ We need to be really bothered once in a while. How long is it since you were really bothered? About something important, about something real? ❜ ❨828❩ ❛ There must be something, something we can’t imagine, to make a woman stay in a burning house; there must be something there. You don’t stay for nothing. ❜ ❨829❩ ❛ If you hide your ignorance, no one will hit you and you'll never learn. ❜ ❨830❩ ❛ If you drown, at least die knowing you were heading for shore. ❜ ❨831❩ ❛ You can't make people listen. They have to come round in their own time, wondering what happened and why the world blew up around them. ❜ ❨832❩ ❛ It was a pleasure to burn. ❜ ❨833❩ ❛ I'm antisocial, they say. I don't mix. It's so strange. I'm very social indeed. It all depends on what you mean by social, doesn't it? ❜ ❨834❩ ❛ Being with people is nice. But I don't think it's social to get a bunch of people together and then not let them talk, do you? ❜ ❨835❩ ❛ Do you notice how people hurt each other nowadays? ❜ ❨836❩ ❛ Who knows who might be the target of the well-read man? ❜ ❨837❩ ❛ I don't talk things. I talk the meaning of things. ❜ ❨838❩ ❛ I'll hold on to the world tight some day. I've got one finger on it now; that's a beginning. ❜ ❨839❩ ❛ I just want someone to hear what I have to say. And maybe if I talk long enough it'll make sense. ❜ ❨840❩ ❛ That's the good part of dying; when you've nothing to lose, you run any risk you want. ❜ ❨841❩ ❛ Someday we'll build the biggest goddamn steamshovel in history and dig the biggest grave of all time and shove war in it and cover it up. ❜ ❨842❩ ❛ You're not like the others. I've seen a few; I know. When I talk, you look at me. ❜ ❨843❩ ❛ You're afraid of making mistakes. Don't be. Mistakes can be profited by. ❜ ❨844❩ ❛ When they give you lined paper, write the other way. ❜ ❨845❩ ❛ The sun burnt every day. It burnt time. ❜ ❨846❩ ❛ We have everything we need to be happy but we aren't happy. Something is missing. ❜ ❨847❩ ❛ I feel I'm doing what I should've done a lifetime ago. ❜ ❨848❩ ❛ I'm not afraid. Maybe it's because I'm doing the right thing at last. Maybe it's because I've done a rash thing and don't want to look the coward to you. ❜ ❨849❩ ❛ Good God, who were those men? I never saw them before in my life! ❜ ❨850❩ ❛ How do you get so empty? Who takes it out of you? ❜ ❨851❩ ❛ It must be right. It seems so right. ❜ ❨852❩ ❛ To everything there is a season. Yes. A time to break down, and a time to build up. A time to keep silence and a time to speak. ❜ ❨853❩ ❛ It's my game. And no one can help me. Not even you. ❜ ❨854❩ ❛ What makes earth feel like hell is our expectation that it should feel like heaven. Earth is earth. Dead is dead. You’ll find out for yourself soon enough. ❜ ❨855❩ ❛ Death is a long process. Your body is just the first part of you that croaks. Beyond that, your dreams have to die. Then your expectations. Your anger and memories must die. Your ego. Your pride and shame and ambition and hope. ❜ ❨856❩ ❛ Help me give up my addiction to hope. ❜ ❨857❩ ❛ Life is short, death is forever. ❜ ❨858❩ ❛ Hope is something really tough and tenacious you have to give up. It’s an addiction to break. ❜ ❨859❩ ❛ If the living are haunted by the dead, then the dead are haunted by their own mistakes. ❜ ❨860❩ ❛ We all wish to be pursued. We all long to be desired. ❜ ❨861❩ ❛ All the demons of hell formerly reigned as gods in previous cultures. No it's not fair, but one man's god is another man's devil. ❜ ❨862❩ ❛ I can become someone else, not out of pressure and desperation, but merely because a new life sounds fun or interesting or joyful. ❜ ❨863❩ ❛ It's my petty fear of personal rejection that allows so many true evils to exist. My cowardice enables atrocities. ❜ ❨864❩ ❛ You fucked up. Game over. So just relax. ❜ ❨865❩ ❛ The greatest weapon any warrior can carry into battle is absolute certainty of her eternal soul. ❜ ❨866❩ ❛ If killing you will end my existence as well, be it. Small loss. Such a life, as your puppet, is not worth living. ❜ ❨867❩ ❛ I might be a touch of a sadist and a little bit jejune but at least I'm not a victim, not any longer. I hope. ❜ ❨868❩ ❛ Dying seems like the greatest weakness, and in a world where people say you're lazy for not shaving your legs, then being dead seems like the ultimate character flaw. ❜ ❨869❩ ❛ Any concept of right versus wrong, is merely a cultural construct relative to one specific time and place. ❜ ❨870❩ ❛ To prove that I exist I must kill you. ❜ ❨871❩ ❛ I'd say that my life has been a way-too-long case history of chasing rainbows. ❜ ❨872❩ ❛ The world is a battle for attention, a war to be heard. ❜ ❨873❩ ❛ Every garden looks beautiful in May. ❜ ❨874❩ ❛ When we neglect to fear such brittle monstrosity, we render it powerless. ❜ ❨875❩ ❛ My taste for power continues to grow, as does my ability to accrue it. ❜ ❨876❩ ❛ Such language! Why don't you just take a dump in my ears? ❜ ❨877❩ ❛ You’d be foolish to count on people displaying high standards of honesty. ❜ ❨878❩ ❛ Depending on her mood, she can be more frightening than any demon or devil you might ever run across. ❜ ❨879❩ ❛ Cross your fingers! Maybe death won't happen to you. ❜ ❨880❩ ❛ Do not die while wearing cheap shoes. ❜ ❨881❩ ❛ Old habits die hard. ❜ ❨882❩ ❛ It's our attachments to a fixed identity that torture us. ❜ ❨883❩ ❛ What do I think I am? In a thousand words; I don't have a clue. ❨884❩ ❛ If I am to be saved it is because your love redeems me. ❜ ❨885❩ ❛ All I wanted was to be loved for myself. ❜ ❨886❩ ❛ I have tasted all the happiness the world can offer. ❜ ❨887❩ ❛ Shall we pity him? Shall we curse him? ❜ ❨888❩ ❛ You have a heart that can hold the entire empire of the world. ❜ ❨889❩ ❛ Look, I am not laughing now, crying, crying for you. ❜ ❨890❩ ❛ Tonight I gave you my soul, and I am dead. ❜ ❨891❩ ❛ You are afraid of me! And yet I am not really wicked. Love me and you shall see! ❜ ❨892❩ ❛ Are people so unhappy when they love? --- Yes, when they love and are not sure of being loved. ❜ ❨893❩ ❛ Your soul is a beautiful thing. No emperor received so fair a gift. The angels wept tonight. ❜ ❨894❩ ❛ Blood!...Blood!... That's a good thing! ❜ ❨895❩ ❛ Now I want to live like everybody else. I want to have a life like everybody else. ❜ ❨896❩ ❛ You will be the happiest of women. And we will sing, all by ourselves, till we swoon away with delight. ❜ ❨897❩ ❛ I should be as gentle as a lamb; and you could do anything with me that you pleased. ❜ ❨898❩ ❛ I am going to die of love, I am dying of love. That's how it is. I loved you so. I still love you so. ❜ ❨899❩ ❛ I am dying of love for her, I tell you! If only you knew how beautiful she was when she let me kiss her. ❜ ❨900❩ ❛ He fills me with horror but I do not hate him. How can I hate him? ❜ ❨901❩ ❛ Holy angel, in Heaven blessed, my spirit longs with thee to rest. ❜ ❨902❩ ❛ Nothing is colder or more dead than my heart. ❜ ❨903❩ ❛ I had loved an angel and now I despise a woman. ❜ ❨904❩ ❛ Our lives are one masked ball. ❜ ❨905❩ ❛ Why do you condemn a man whom you have never met, whom no one knows and about whom even you yourself know nothing? ❜ ❨906❩ ❛ He would commit murder for me. ❜ ❨907❩ ❛ If I don't save her from the hands of that humbug, she is lost. But I shall save her. ❜ ❨908❩ ❛ We will go from here together or die together. ❜ ❨909❩ ❛ Your fear, your terror, all of that is just love and love of the most exquisite kind, the kind which people do not admit even to themselves. The kind that gives you a thrill, when you think of it. ❜ ❨910❩ ❛ Destiny has chained you to me forever. ❜ ❨911❩ ❛ You must never ask me that. ❜ ❨912❩ ❛ Are you afraid that you will change your mind? ❜ ❨913❩ ❛ You must come and fetch me in my dressing room at midnight exactly. ❜ ❨914❩ ❛ The holes in your life are permanent. You have to grow around them, like tree roots around concrete; you mould yourself through the gaps. ❜ ❨915❩ ❛ I have never understood how people can blithely disregard the damage they do by following their hearts. ❜ ❨916❩ ❛ There’s something comforting about the sight of strangers safe at home. ❜ ❨917❩ ❛ I have lost control over everything, even the places in my head. ❜ ❨918❩ ❛ It’s possible to miss what you’ve never had, to even mourn for it. ❜ ❨919❩ ❛ There’s nothing so painful, so corrosive, as suspicion. ❜ ❨920❩ ❛ When did you become so weak? ❜ ❨921❩ ❛ I don’t know where that strength went, I don’t remember losing it. I think that over time it got chipped away, bit by bit, by life, by the living of it. ❜ ❨922❩ ❛ Let’s be honest: women are still only really valued for two things—their looks and their role as mothers. ❜ ❨923❩ ❛ Sadness gets boring after a while, for the sad person and for everyone around them. ❜ ❨924❩ ❛ I’m playing at real life instead of actually living it. ❜ ❨925❩ ❛ I’ve just got to let myself feel the pain, because if I don’t, if I keep numbing it, it’ll never really go away. ❜ ❨926❩ ❛ I am not the girl I used to be. I am no longer desirable, I’m off-putting in some way. It’s as if people can see the damage written all over me, can see it in my face, the way I hold myself, the way I move. ❜ ❨927❩ ❛ Who was it that said following your heart is a good thing? It is pure egotism, a selfishness to conquer all. ❜ ❨928❩ ❛ It’s impossible to resist the kindness of strangers. ❜ ❨929❩ ❛ Sometimes I catch myself trying to remember the last time I had meaningful physical contact with another person, just a hug or a heartfelt squeeze of my hand, and my heart twitches. ❜ ❨930❩ ❛ I have to find a way of making myself happy, I have to stop looking for happiness elsewhere. ❜ ❨931❩ ❛ How did I find myself here? I wonder where it started, my decline; I wonder at what point I could have halted it. Where did I take the wrong turn? ❜ ❨932❩ ❛ Now look -- Now look what you made me do. ❜ ❨933❩ ❛ It’s okay, whatever you did, whatever you’ve done: you suffered, you hurt, you deserve forgiveness. ❜ ❨934❩ ❛ They’re what I lost, they’re everything I want to be. ❜ ❨935❩ ❛ You broke me and I broke us. ❜ ❨936❩ ❛ I’ve been the fool. If he does it with you, he’ll do it to you. ❜ ❨937❩ ❛ I’d never realised, not until now, how shameful it is to be pitied. ❜ ❨938❩ ❛ Sometimes, I don’t want to go anywhere, I think I’ll be happy if I never have to set foot outside the house again. ❜ ❨939❩ ❛ I don’t believe in soul mates, but there’s an understanding between us that I just haven’t felt before, or at least, not for a long time. ❜ ❨940❩ ❛ There can be no greater agony, nothing can be more painful than the not knowing, which will never end. ❜ ❨941❩ ❛ Being the other woman is a huge turn-on, there’s no point in denying it: you’re the one he can’t help but betray his wife for, even though he loves her. That’s just how irresistible you are. ❜ ❨942❩ ❛ I feel a rush of gratitude so strong, it feels almost like love. ❜ ❨943❩ ❛ You don’t know how determined I can be. Once I’ve made my mind up, I’m a force to be reckoned with. ❜ ❨944❩ ❛ The more I want to be oblivious, the less I can be. Life and light will not let me be. ❜ ❨945❩ ❛ You don’t have to be afraid of being alone. It’s not the worst thing, is it? ❜ ❨946❩ ❛ I have felt this way before. On a larger scale, to a more intense degree, of course, but I remember the quality of the pain. You don’t forget it. ❜ ❨947❩ ❛ If he thinks I’m going to sit around crying, he’s got another thing coming. ❜ ❨948❩ ❛ I don’t like to lose. It’s not like me. None of this is like me. I don’t get rejected. I’m the one who walks away. ❜ ❨949❩ ❛ I don’t remember anger, raging fury. I remember fear. ❜ ❨950❩ ❛ I can’t sleep. I haven’t slept in days. I hate it, hate insomnia more than anything, just lying there, brain going round, tick, tick, tick, tick. ❜ ❨951❩ ❛ Maybe the courage I need has nothing to do with telling the truth and everything to do with walking away. ❜ ❨952❩ ❛ I’m not beautiful, and I can’t have kids, so what does that make me? Worthless. ❜ ❨953❩ ❛ Failure cloaked me like a mantle, it overwhelmed me, dragged me under and I gave up hope. ❜ ❨954❩ ❛ It’s an odd thing to say, but I think this all the time; I don’t feel bad enough. ❜ ❨955❩ ❛ Some battles aren’t worth fighting. ❜ ❨956❩ ❛ I never felt guilty. I pretended I did. I had to. ❜ ❨957❩ ❛ I never meant for any of this to happen, we fell in love, what could we do? ❜ ❨958❩ ❛ What bothers me most is that I haven’t got to the end of my story, and I can’t start over with someone else, it’s too hard. ❜ ❨959❩ ❛ A person is, among all else, a material thing, easily torn and not easily mended. ❜ ❨960❩ ❛ It isn’t only wickedness and scheming that make people unhappy, it is confusion and misunderstanding. ❜ ❨961❩ ❛ Falling in love can be achieved in a single word—a glance. ❜ ❨962❩ ❛ Though you think the world is at your feet, it can rise up and tread on you. ❜ ❨963❩ ❛ I’ve never had a moment’s doubt. I love you. I believe in you completely. You are my dearest one. My reason for life. ❜ ❨964❩ ❛ It might hurt, it is horribly inconvenient, no good might come of it, but it is what it is to be in love. ❜ ❨965❩ ❛ It was always an impossible task, and that was precisely the point. ❜ ❨966❩ ❛ Come back, come back to me. ❜ ❨967❩ ❛ In my thoughts I make love to you all day long. ❜ ❨968❩ ❛ The truth is I feel rather light headed and foolish in your presence and I don’t think I can blame the heat. ❜ ❨969❩ ❛ Beauty occupies a narrow band. Ugliness, on the other hand, has infinite variation. ❜ ❨970❩ ❛ Is there any meaning in my life that the inevitable death awaiting me does not destroy? ❜ ❨971❩ ❛ However, withered, I still feel myself to be exactly the same person I’ve always been. ❜ ❨972❩ ❛ Hate is a feeling as pure as love, but dispassionate and icily rational. ❜ ❨973❩ ❛ I’m going mad. Let me not be mad. ❜ ❨974❩ ❛ Is everyone really as alive as I am? ❜ ❨975❩ ❛ Every now and then, quite unintentionally, someone teaches you something about yourself. ❜ ❨976❩ ❛ Something has happened, hasn’t it? ❜ ❨977❩ ❛ I like to think that it isn’t weakness or evasion, but a final act of kindness. ❜ ❨978❩ ❛ Is it possible that I am, in the modern term, in denial? ❜ ❨979❩ ❛ How could anyone presume to know the world through the eyes of an insect? ❜ ❨980❩ ❛ Not everything has a cause. Some things are simply so. ❜ ❨981❩ ❛ I’ll be quite honest with you. I’m torn between breaking your neck here and throwing you down the stairs. ❜ ❨982❩ ❛ How old do you have to be before you know the difference between right and wrong? ❜ ❨983❩ ❛ It was never meant to be read. ❜ ❨984❩ ❛ If I fell in the river, would you save me? ❜ ❨985❩ ❛ That was an incredibly bloody stupid thing to do. ❜ ❨986❩ ❛ I want to thank you for saving my life. I’ll be eternally grateful to you. ❜ ❨987❩ ❛ I’m very, very sorry for the terrible distress that I have caused. I’m very, very sorry. ❜ ❨988❩ ❛ Don’t call me that! – Please don’t call me that. ❜ ❨989❩ ❛ It may be the wrong decision, but fuck it, it’s mine. ❜ ❨990❩ ❛ Like patience, passion comes from the same Latin root: pati. It does not mean to flow with exuberance. It means to suffer. ❜ ❨991❩ ❛ No one ever really gets used to nightmares. ❜ ❨992❩ ❛ I still get nightmares. In fact, I get them so often I should be used to them by now. I’m not. ❜ ❨993❩ ❛ Sublime is something you choke on after a shot of tequila. ❜ ❨994❩ ❛ Some people reflect light, some deflect it, you by some miracle, seem to collect it. ❜ ❨995❩ ❛ Beautiful women are always drawn to men they think will keep them beautiful. ❜ ❨996❩ ❛ The ruminations are mine, let the world be yours. ❜ ❨997❩ ❛ You will fulfil a promise I made years ago but failed to keep. ❜ ❨998❩ ❛ Darkness never satisfies. Especially if it takes something away which it almost always invariably does. ❜ ❨999❩ ❛ I want something else. I’m not even sure what to call it anymore. ❜ ❨1000❩ ❛ What can I say, I’m a sucker for abandoned stuff, misplaced stuff, forgotten stuff, any old stuff. ❜ ❨1001❩ ❛ Is it possible to love something so much, you imagine it wants to destroy you only because it has denied you? ❜ ❨1002❩ ❛ It’s just silent, no sound at all. It’s like something’s waiting. ❜ ❨1003❩ ❛ I guess I’m hoping the weapons will make me feel better, grant me some kind of fucking control. ❜ ❨1004❩ ❛ Oh and something else: – Fuck you. ❜ ❨1005❩ ❛ God I’ve never been afraid like this. ❜ ❨1006❩ ❛ I miss you. I love you. There’s no second I’ve lived that you can’t call your own. ❜ ❨1007❩ ❛ I’m so tired. Sleep’s been stalking me for too long to remember. Inevitable I suppose. ❜ ❨1008❩ ❛ Not seeing the rip doesn’t mean you automatically get to keep clear of the Hey-I’m-Bleeding part. ❜ ❨1009❩ ❛ These days fantasies flourish and die like summer flies. ❜ ❨1010❩ ❛ Yeah I know, I know. This shit’s getting ridiculous. ❜ ❨1011❩ ❛ ‘Fuck’ and 'fall for’ have very different meanings. The first one you do as much as you can. The second one you never ever, ever do. ❜ ❨1012❩ ❛ It’s a nice idea but it reeks of hope. False hope. ❜ ❨1013❩ ❛ It’s, well…one thing in two words: fucked up…very fucked up. Okay three words, four words, who the hell cares…very very fucked up. ❜ ❨1014❩ ❛ Do you think I could spend the night at your place? ❜ ❨1015❩ ❛ Any fool can pray. ❜ ❨1016❩ ❛ I feel like I haven’t slept in months. My neighbours are scared of me. ❜ ❨1017❩ ❛ I’ve lost my mind? Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe I’m just really drunk. ❜ ❨1018❩ ❛ Perhaps by cleaning out my system I’ll come to a clearing where I can ease myself into peace. ❜ ❨1019❩ ❛ I should be dead. Why am I still here? ❜ ❨1020❩ ❛ Fuck if I know. Your guess is as good as mine. ❜ ❨1021❩ ❛ You are my flesh. You are my bones. I know you too well. I read you too perfectly. ❜ ❨1022❩ ❛ Not all complex problems have easy solutions. ❜ ❨1023❩ ❛ Do you believe in God? I don’t think I ever asked you that one. ❜ ❨1024❩ ❛ We all create stories to protect ourselves. ❜ ❨1025❩ ❛ Are you kidding me? This place is scary. ❜ ❨1026❩ ❛ These days the only thing that gets me outside is when I say: Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck you. Fuck me. Fuck this. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. ❜ ❨1027❩ ❛ You like that crap because it reminds you of you. ❜ ❨1028❩ ❛ You may suddenly realise things are not how you perceived them to be at all. ❜ ❨1029❩ ❛ The two hardest tests are the patience to wait for the right moment and the courage not to be disappointed with what we encounter. ❜ ❨1030❩ ❛ People never learn anything by being told, they have to find out for themselves. ❜ ❨1031❩ ❛ Be crazy! But learn how to be crazy without being the center of attention. Be brave enough to live different. ❜ ❨1032❩ ❛ You are someone who is different, but who wants to be the same as everyone else. And that in my view is a serious illness. ❜ ❨1033❩ ❛ God chose you to be different. ❜ ❨1034❩ ❛ Why are you disappointing God with this kind of attitude? ❜ ❨1035❩ ❛ You have two choices, to control your mind or to let your mind control you. ❜ ❨1036❩ ❛ Everyone is indeed crazy, but the craziest are the ones who don't know they're crazy; they just keep repeating what others tell them to. ❜ ❨1037❩ ❛ Haven't you learned anything, not even with the approach of death? ❜ ❨1038❩ ❛ If people don't like it, they can complain. And if they don't have the courage to complain, that's their problem. ❜ ❨1039❩ ❛ Nothing in this world happens by chance. ❜ ❨1040❩ ❛ I want to continue living my life the way I dream it, and not the way the other people want it to be. ❜ ❨1041❩ ❛ Be like the fountain that overflows, not like the cistern that merely contains. ❜ ❨1042❩ ❛ Collective madness is called sanity. ❜ ❨1043❩ ❛ Consider each day a miracle - which indeed it is, when you consider the number of unexpected things that could happen in each second of our fragile existences. ❜ ❨1044❩ ❛ You say they create their own reality, but what is reality? ❜ ❨1045❩ ❛ Many people don't allow themselves to love because there are a lot of things at risk. A lot of future and a lot of past. ❜ ❨1046❩ ❛ Death frees from the fear of dying. ❜ ❨1047❩ ❛ The danger of an adventure is worth a thousand days of ease and comfort. ❜ ❨1048❩ ❛ The happier people can be, the unhappier they are. ❜ ❨1049❩ ❛ Life is always a matter of waiting for the right moment to act. ❜ ❨1050❩ ❛ It's best to accept life as it really is and not as you imagined it to be. ❜ ❨1051❩ ❛ You don't seem mad at all. ❜ ❨1052❩ ❛ We’re allowed to make a lot of mistakes in our lives, except the mistake that destroys us. ❜ ❨1053❩ ❛ You’re what you are, not what others make of you. ❜ ❨1054❩ ❛ Am I cured? ❜ ❨1055❩ ❛ Real love changes and grows with time and discovers new ways of expressing itself. ❜ ❨1056❩ ❛ A lot of people think something is right, and so that thing becomes right. Is that it? ❜ ❨1057❩ ❛ They think they're normal, because they all do the same thing. ❜ ❨1058❩ ❛ I didn't know that other ‘me’s existed inside me, ‘Me’s that I could love. ❜ ❨1059❩ ❛ I have no idea what's awaiting me. ❜ ❨1060❩ ❛ What will happen when this all ends? ❜ ❨1061❩ ❛ I know that you are capable of great deeds. ❜ ❨1062❩ ❛ A loveless world is a dead world, and always there comes an hour when one is weary of prisons, of one's work, and of devotion to duty, and all one craves for is a loved face, the warmth and wonder of a loving heart. ❜ ❨1063❩ ❛ The truth is that everyone is bored. ❜ ❨1064❩ ❛ I feel more fellowship with the defeated than with saints. Heroism and sanctity don't really appeal to me, I imagine. ❜ ❨1065❩ ❛ If there is one thing one can always yearn for, and sometimes attain, it is human love. ❜ ❨1066❩ ❛ Who would dare to assert that eternal happiness can compensate for even a single moment's suffering? ❜ ❨1067❩ ❛ It's not easy. I've been thinking it over for years. ❜ ❨1068❩ ❛ While we loved each other we didn't need words to make ourselves understood. ❜ ❨1069❩ ❛ People are more often bad than good. ❜ ❨1070❩ ❛ I don't believe in heroism; I know it's easy and I've learned that it can be murderous. ❜ ❨1071❩ ❛ What interests me is living and dying for what one loves. ❜ ❨1072❩ ❛ In fact, nobody is capable of really thinking about anyone, even in the worst calamity. ❜ ❨1073❩ ❛ Nothing in the world is worth turning one's back on what one loves. ❜ ❨1074❩ ❛ Again and again there comes a time in history when the man who dares to say that two and two make four is punished with death. ❜ ❨1075❩ ❛ There are more things to admire in men then to despise. ❜ ❨1076❩ ❛ It is in the thick of calamity that one gets hardened to the truth - in other words, to silence. ❜ ❨1077❩ ❛ What on earth prompted you to take a hand in this? ❜ ❨1078❩ ❛ Your code of morals? What code, if I may ask? ❜ ❨1079❩ ❛ I'm fumbling in the dark, struggling to make something out. But I've long ceased finding anything. ❜ ❨1080❩ ❛ No doubt our love is still there, but quite simply it is unusable, heavy to carry, inert inside of us, sterile as crime or condemnation. ❜ ❨1081❩ ❛ I’m not happy to go, but one needn't be happy to make another start. ❜ ❨1082❩ ❛ I am incapable of suffering for a long time, or being happy for a long time. Which means that I am incapable of anything really worth while. ❜ ❨1083❩ ❛ I should have found the words to keep her with me. ❜ ❨1084❩ ❛ We can't stir a finger in this world without the risk of bringing death to somebody. ❜ ❨1085❩ ❛ The evil that is in the world comes out of ignorance, and good intentions may do as much harm as malevolence, if they lack understanding. ❜ ❨1086❩ ❛ There are always flies and itches. That’s why life is difficult to live. ❜ ❨1087❩ ❛ The best protection against anything is a good bottle of wine. ❜ ❨1088❩ ❛ There is no peace without hope. ❜ ❨1089❩ ❛ It's enough for me to be sure that you and I exist at this moment. ❜ ❨1090❩ ❛ There is always something left to love. ❜ ❨1091❩ ❛ A person doesn’t die when he should but when he can. ❜ ❨1092❩ ❛ Things have a life of their own. It's simply a matter of waking up their souls. ❜ ❨1093❩ ❛ Tell me something: why are you fighting? ❜ ❨1094❩ ❛ I've come to realise only just now that I'm fighting because of pride. ❜ ❨1095❩ ❛ One minute of reconciliation is worth more than a whole life of friendship. ❜ ❨1096❩ ❛ It's better than not knowing why you're fighting. Or fighting, like you, for something that doesn't have any meaning for anyone. ❜ ❨1097❩ ❛ Holy Mother of God! ❜ ❨1098❩ ❛ A person does not belong to a place until there is someone dead under the ground. ❜ ❨1099❩ ❛ I was born a son of a bitch and I'm going to die a son of a bitch. ❜ ❨1100❩ ❛ Bad luck doesn't have any chinks in it. ❜ ❨1101❩ ❛ I plead youth as a mitigating circumstance. ❜ ❨1102❩ ❛ Get those bad thoughts out of your head. You're going to be happy. ❜ ❨1103❩ ❛ Children inherit their parents' madness. ❜ ❨1104❩ ❛ I'll turn to ashes in here but I won't give this miserable town the pleasure of seeing me weep. ❜ ❨1105❩ ❛ You would be good in a war. Where you put your eye, you put your bullet. ❜ ❨1106❩ ❛ Men demand much more than you think. ❜ ❨1107❩ ❛ Even the craziest and most persistent love is just a temporary truth. ❜ ❨1108❩ ❛ If we’re alone you can whisper in my ear any crap you can think of. ❜ ❨1109❩ ❛ You have taken this horrible game very seriously and you have done well because you are doing your duty. ❜ ❨1110❩ ❛ We have the right to pull down your pants and give you a whipping at the first sign of disrespect. ❜ ❨1111❩ ❛ What worries me is not your shooting me, because after all, for people like us it's a natural death. ❜ ❨1112❩ ❛ What worries me is that you've ended up as bad as they are. ❜ ❨1113❩ ❛ It is characteristic of men to deny hunger once their appetites are satisfied. ❜ ❨1114❩ ❛ Dying is much more difficult than one imagines. ❜ ❨1115❩ ❛ If you have to go crazy, please go crazy all by yourself! ❜ ❨1116❩ ❛ We have still not had a death. ❜ ❨1117❩ ❛ How awful, the way time passes. ❜ ❨1118❩ ❛ You may be in command of your war, but I'm in command of my house. ❜ ❨1119❩ ❛ I missed you every hour. ❜ ❨1120❩ ❛ You know what the worst part was? It caught me completely by surprise. ❜ ❨1121❩ ❛ I’ve risked my life for you. ❜ ❨1122❩ ❛ The problem with wanting is that it makes us weak. ❜ ❨1123❩ ❛ I love you, even the part of you that loved him. ❜ ❨1124❩ ❛ I’m sorry it took me so long to see you. ❜ ❨1125❩ ❛ I never really belonged anywhere. ❜ ❨1126❩ ❛ Thanks for being my best friend and making my life bearable. ❜ ❨1127❩ ❛ Thanks for finding me. ❜ ❨1128❩ ❛ You and I are going to change the world. ❜ ❨1129❩ ❛ I’ve been waiting for you a long time. ❜ ❨1130❩ ❛ I’m not used to people trying to kill me. ❜ ❨1131❩ ❛ You’re shaking. ❜ ❨1132❩ ❛ There's nothing wrong with being a lizard. Unless you were born to be a hawk. ❜ ❨1133❩ ❛ Make me your villain. ❜ ❨1134❩ ❛ Just you and me. It’s always just you and me. ❜ ❨1135❩ ❛ Do you blame me for every mistake I made? For every dumb thing I’ve said? ❜ ❨1136❩ ❛ Well, if it gets too bad, give me a signal. ❜ ❨1137❩ ❛ Did you tell him what I showed you in the dark? ❜ ❨1138❩ ❛ Did you miss me when you were gone? ❜ ❨1139❩ ❛ What is infinite? The universe and the greed of men. ❜ ❨1140❩ ❛ You’re interfering with my plan. ❜ ❨1141❩ ❛ Too much champagne? ❜ ❨1142❩ ❛ I hope you don’t expect fairness from me. It isn’t one of my specialties. ❜ ❨1143❩ ❛ There is something more powerful than any army. Something strong enough to topple kings. Faith. ❜ ❨1144❩ ❛ All you said was that I had to kill you. You didn’t say how. ❜ ❨1145❩ ❛ What is she? She’s everything, you dumb son of a bitch. ❜ ❨1146❩ ❛ She’s an ugly little thing. No child should look like that. Pale and sour, like a glass of milk that’s turned. ❜ ❨1147❩ ❛ I wouldn’t make that mistake again. ❜ ❨1148❩ ❛ It’s a great honor, to save a life. You saved many. ❜ ❨1149❩ ❛ In this world, there are things you can only do alone. ❜ ❨1150❩ ❛ What seems like a reasonable distance to one person might feel too far to somebody else. ❜ ❨1151❩ ❛ If you really want to know something, you have to be willing to pay the price. ❜ ❨1152❩ ❛ Why should you be interested in me? ❜ ❨1153❩ ❛ I have been told I've got a darkish personality. A few times. ❜ ❨1154❩ ❛ It's not as if our lives are divided simply into light and dark. There's shadowy middle ground. ❜ ❨1155❩ ❛ I'll write to you. A super-long letter, like in an old-fashioned novel. ❜ ❨1156❩ ❛ The spotlight doesn't suit me. I'm more of a side dish. ❜ ❨1157❩ ❛ The ground we stand on looks solid enough, but if something happens it can drop right out from under you. ❜ ❨1158❩ ❛ So once you're dead there's just nothing? ❜ ❨1159❩ ❛ If only I could fall sound asleep and wake up in my old reality. ❜ ❨1160❩ ❛ Is action merely the incidental product of thought, or is thought the consequential product of action? ❜ ❨1161❩ ❛ Nobody can shake off their own shadow. ❜ ❨1162❩ ❛ The silence is so deep it hurts. ❜ ❨1163❩ ❛ I may not look it, but I can be a very patient guy. ❜ ❨1164❩ ❛ Killing time is one of my specialities. ❜ ❨1165❩ ❛ You can't fight it. ❜ ❨1166❩ ❛ Tell me something,—do you believe in reincarnation? ❜ ❨1167❩ ❛ I can’t understand nothingness. I can’t understand it and I can’t imagine it. ❜ ❨1168❩ ❛ I can hardly breathe, and my whole body wants to shrink into a corner. ❜ ❨1169❩ ❛ I do have a few things wrong with me, but those are strictly problems I keep inside. ❜ ❨1170❩ ❛ I can't take it any more, I can't go on any more. ❜ ❨1171❩ ❛ You don't really have it together. ❜ ❨1172❩ ❛ Is it against the law for me to know it? ❜ ❨1173❩ ❛ I keep having the same dream. ❜ ❨1174❩ ❛ Are you asking because you really want an answer? ❜ ❨1175❩ ❛ I hate this! I don't want to be changed this way! ❜ ❨1176❩ ❛ No contradictions, no irony. They do everything according to numerical formulas. ❜ ❨1177❩ ❛ Want to hear the rest? If you’re not interested, I can stop. ❜ ❨1178❩ ❛ If I didn’t have these memories inside me, I would’ve snapped a long time ago. I would’ve curled up in a ditch somewhere and died. ❜ ❨1179❩ ❛ I don’t know what you’re feeling. I won’t even pretend. ❜ ❨1180❩ ❛ What are you doing here, honey? ❜ ❨1181❩ ❛ You're not even old enough to know how bad life gets. ❜ ❨1182❩ ❛ You don't understand me. ❜ ❨1183❩ ❛ All wisdom ends in paradox. ❜ ❨1184❩ ❛ It is love that overthrows empire. Love that binds two hearts together, come hellfire & brimstone. ❜ ❨1185❩ ❛ I have lost my gift. ❜ ❨1186❩ ❛ Winter is the season of alcoholism and despair. ❜ ❨1187❩ ❛ The seeds of death get lost in the mess that God made us. ❜ ❨1188❩ ❛ They're just memories now. It’s time to forget. ❜ ❨1189❩ ❛ The time has to be right and the heart willing. ❜ ❨1190❩ ❛ The world, a tired performer, offers us another half-assed season. ❜ ❨1191❩ ❛ Capitalism has resulted in material well-being but spiritual bankruptcy. ❜ ❨1192❩ ❛ Grief is natural, overcoming it is a matter of choice. ❜ ❨1193❩ ❛ I want out of that decorating scheme. ❜ ❨1194❩ ❛ With most people suicide is like Russian roulette. Only one chamber has a bullet. ❜ ❨1195❩ ❛ You never get over it but you get where it doesn't bother you so much. ❜ ❨1196❩ ❛ Don't waste your time on life. ❜ ❨1197❩ ❛ I'm a teenager. I've got problems! ❜ ❨1198❩ ❛ Adolescents tend to seek love where they can find it. ❜ ❨1199❩ ❛ Obviously, you've never been a thirteen-year-old girl. ❜ ❨1200❩ ❛ It was a mistake. ❜ ❨1201❩ ❛ It seemed like we were supposed to feel sorry for everything that ever happened, ever. ❜ ❨1202❩ ❛ Buffeted but not broken. ❜ ❨1203❩ ❛ Shit. What have kids got to be worried about now? ❜ ❨1204❩ ❛ If they want trouble, they should go live in Bangladesh. ❜ ❨1205❩ ❛ I can't wait until I get out of here. ❜ ❨1206❩ ❛ When she jumped she probably thought she’d fly. ❜ ❨1207❩ ❛ I do not think the patient truly meant to end her life. Her act was a cry for help. ❜ ❨1208❩ ❛ You're a stone fox. ❜ ❨1209❩ ❛ It was love at first sight, at last sight, at ever and ever sight. ❜ ❨1210❩ ❛ Light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. ❜ ❨1211❩ ❛ He broke my heart. You merely broke my life. ❜ ❨1212❩ ❛ I'm sorry to have deceived you so much, but that's how life is. ❜ ❨1213❩ ❛ Words without experience are meaningless. ❜ ❨1214❩ ❛ I loved you. I was a monster, but I loved you. ❜ ❨1215❩ ❛ Come just as you are. ❜ ❨1216❩ ❛ If a violin string could ache, i would be that string. ❜ ❨1217❩ ❛ Perhaps, somewhere, some day, at a less miserable time, we may see each other again. ❜ ❨1218❩ ❛ What's so dreadful about dying is that you are completely on your own. ❜ ❨1219❩ ❛ Don't touch me; I'll die if you touch me. ❜ ❨1220❩ ❛ You took advantage of my disadvantage. ❜ ❨1221❩ ❛ I walk in a maze I cannot get out of. ❜ ❨1222❩ ❛ Life is just one small piece of light between two eternal darknesses. ❜ ❨1223❩ ❛ Imagine me; I shall not exist if you do not imagine me. ❜ ❨1224❩ ❛ There is no harm in smiling. ❜ ❨1225❩ ❛ There is no point in staying here. There is no point in staying anywhere. ❜ ❨1226❩ ❛ There is nothing more atrociously cruel than an adored child. ❜ ❨1227❩ ❛ I am so tired of being cynical. ❜ ❨1228❩ ❛ Come to live with me, and die with me, and everything with me. ❜ ❨1229❩ ❛ This is the only immortality that you and I may share. ❜ ❨1230❩ ❛ I loved her more than anything I had ever seen or imagined on earth, or hoped for anywhere else. ❜ ❨1231❩ ❛ I was despicable and brutal, and turpid, and everything, mais je t’aimais, je t’aimais! ❜ ❨1232❩ ❛ Years of secret suffering has taught me superhuman self-control. ❜ ❨1233❩ ❛ Solitude is corrupting me. I need company and care. ❜ ❨1234❩ ❛ I've missed you terribly. ❜ ❨1235❩ ❛ I've been revoltingly unfaithful to you. ❜ ❨1236❩ ❛ It doesn't matter a bit, because you've stopped caring anyway. ❜ ❨1237❩ ❛ What makes you say I've stopped caring for you? ❜ ❨1238❩ ❛ Nowadays you have to be a scientist if you want to be a killer. ❜ ❨1239❩ ❛ The sun climbs high in the sky, then starts down. People come, then go. ❜ ❨1240❩ ❛ Tell me, have you ever thought of killing me? ❜ ❨1241❩ ❛ I can not believe you are the same human being. ❜ ❨1242❩ ❛ Just how urgent is it? ❜ ❨1243❩ ❛ It is time for you to be going. ❜ ❨1244❩ ❛ How is it you know something like that? ❜ ❨1245❩ ❛ I don’t mind. Your mess is my mess. ❜ ❨1246❩ ❛ Everybody has one thing they do not want to lose. ❜ ❨1247❩ ❛ I’ll be late tonight, so don’t wait up for me. ❜ ❨1248❩ ❛ Nothing I’ve tried to do by myself has ever come off. ❜ ❨1249❩ ❛ I am not catching you in the middle of anything important, am I? ❜ ❨1250❩ ❛ Some things are forgotten, some things disappear, some things die. ❜ ❨1251❩ ❛ My biggest fault is that the faults I was born with grow bigger each year. ❜ ❨1252❩ ❛ To get irritated is to lose our way in life. ❜ ❨1253❩ ❛ A friend to kill time is a friend sublime. ❜ ❨1254❩ ❛ I don't really know if it's the right thing to do. ❜ ❨1255❩ ❛ Faster cars and more cats run over? Who needs it? ❜ ❨1256❩ ❛ Most of everything you think you know about me is nothing more than memories. ❜ ❨1257❩ ❛ Your fate is and will always be the fate of a dreamer. ❜ ❨1258❩ ❛ You’re loads better than you think you are. ❜ ❨1259❩ ❛ You’re only half-living, the other half is still untapped somewhere. ❜ ❨1260❩ ❛ The song is over. But the melody lingers on. ❜ ❨1261❩ ❛ You are extraordinary. ❜ ❨1262❩ ❛ We tend to fool ourselves into thinking that time is our size, but it really goes on and on. ❜ ❨1263❩ ❛ It could be five years or ten years or one month. It's all the same. ❜ ❨1264❩ ❛ I’m forever realising things too late. ❜ ❨1265❩ ❛ I’m not complaining when I say my life is boring. ❜ ❨1266❩ ❛ Weakness is something that rots in the body. ❜ ❨1267❩ ❛ Coming from your mouth, it has the ring of truth, but I doubt anyone would believe me if I told them. ❜ ❨1268❩ ❛ You can't expect something unreal to last anyway, can you? ❜ ❨1269❩ ❛ A wise man does not step betwixt the beast and his meat. ❜ ❨1270❩ ❛ So, kill me. Tell the others I attacked you so you killed me. ❜ ❨1271❩ ❛ Should never have come here. ❜ ❨1272❩ ❛ Hard to guess my tastes. ❜ ❨1273❩ ❛ Can’t it wait until the morning? ❜ ❨1274❩ ❛ You’ll find temper tantrums won’t help you here. ❜ ❨1275❩ ❛ It must have taken courage to return. ❜ ❨1276❩ ❛ It all sounds grimly dystopian. ❜ ❨1277❩ ❛ I am not afraid of you! ❜ ❨1278❩ ❛ All this could be avoided! ❜ ❨1279❩ ❛ You consider me a murderer? ❜ ❨1280❩ ❛ Gross way to die. ❜ ❨1281❩ ❛ What sparks wars? The will to power, the backbone of human nature. ❜ ❨1282❩ ❛ My life amounts to no more than one drop in a limitless ocean. Yet what is any ocean, but a multitude of drops? ❜ ❨1283❩ ❛ Our lives are not our own. We are bound to others. ❜ ❨1284❩ ❛ I believe there is another world waiting for us. A better world. And I'll be waiting for you there. ❜ ❨1285❩ ❛ You are allowed to feel messed up and inside out. It doesn't mean you're defective - it just means you're human. ❜ ❨1286❩ ❛ Power, time, gravity, love. The forces that really kick ass are all invisible. ❜ ❨1287❩ ❛ Unlimited power in the hands of limited people always leads to cruelty. ❜ ❨1288❩ ❛ Truth is singular. Its 'versions' are mistruths. ❜ ❨1289❩ ❛ Dreams are all I have ever truly owned. ❜ ❨1290❩ ❛ Your version of the truth is the only thing that matters. ❜ ❨1291❩ ❛ I believe death is only a door. One closes, and another opens. ❜ ❨1292❩ ❛ By each crime and every kindness, we birth our future. ❜ ❨1293❩ ❛ The healthy can't understand the emptied, the broken. ❜ ❨1294❩ ❛ Lying's wrong, but when the world spins backwards, a small wrong may be a big right. ❜ ❨1295❩ ❛ The weak are meat the strong do eat. ❜ ❨1296❩ ❛ Do whatever you can't not do. ❜ ❨1297❩ ❛ What precipitates outcomes? Vicious acts & virtuous acts. ❜ ❨1298❩ ❛ I remain thankful to God for all his mercies. ❜ ❨1299❩ ❛ You can maintain power over people, as long as you give them something. Rob a man of everything, and that man will no longer be in your power. ❜ ❨1300❩ ❛ Power. The ability to determine another man's luck. ❜ ❨1301❩ ❛ Pain is strong, aye - but friends' eyes, more strong. ❜ ❨1302❩ ❛ Perhaps those deprived of beauty perceive it most instinctively. ❜ ❨1303❩ ❛ Why ask a question whose answer would demand ten more questions? ❜ ❨1304❩ ❛ You can’t lie to your soul. ❜ ❨1305❩ ❛ Why would I want to do a thing like that? ❜ ❨1306❩ ❛ We start off with high hopes, then we bottle it. ❜ ❨1307❩ ❛ Better to make life as complete and enjoyable an experience as possible, in case death is shite, which I suspect it will be. ❜ ❨1308❩ ❛ I’m not running away, I’m moving on. ❜ ❨1309❩ ❛ The reasons? There are no reasons. ❜ ❨1310❩ ❛ Some people are easier to love when you don’t have to be around them. ❜ ❨1311❩ ❛ Love does not exist. ❜ ❨1312❩ ❛ Fuck that ‘regrets’ bullshit. ❜ ❨1313❩ ❛ How does it make you feel? ❜ ❨1314❩ ❛ It’s horrible how we always die alone, but no worse than living alone. ❜ ❨1315❩ ❛ Choose us. Choose life. ❜ ❨1316❩ ❛ You fucking knew that fucking cunt would fuck some cunt. ❜ ❨1317❩ ❛ I’m more of a warrior than you’ll ever be. ❜ ❨1318❩ ❛ What does that make us? The lowest of the low, the scum of the earth. ❜ ❨1319❩ ❛ You don’t have to run away. ❜ ❨1320❩ ❛ I tried to stop because it was only causing pain. I couldn’t. ❜ ❨1321❩ ❛ I’m not going to get crushed. ❜ ❨1322❩ ❛ I love doubt in a woman. It’s nearly as sexy as determination. ❜ ❨1323❩ ❛ Take your best orgasm, multiply the feeling by twenty. ❜ ❨1324❩ ❛ You’re a mess. ❜ ❨1325❩ ❛ I know that it’s never left you alone. ❜ ❨1326❩ ❛ Are you asking me or telling me? ❜ ❨1327❩ ❛ You just get used to all the shit. ❜ ❨1328❩ ❛ You can’t afford a conscience in this life. ❜ ❨1329❩ ❛ None of us are saints and scapegoats are always handy. ❜ ❨1330❩ ❛ Doing things doesn’t hurt you; you get hurt by avoiding them. ❜ ❨1331❩ ❛ What was that? ❜ ❨1332❩ ❛ Protect me from those who wish to help us. ❜ ❨1333❩ ❛ You can’t love yourself if you want to hurt things like that. ❜ ❨1334❩ ❛ What happens when people open their hearts? ❜ ❨1335❩ ❛ Nobody likes being alone that much. ❜ ❨1336❩ ❛ I don’t go out of my way to make friends, that’s all. It just leads to disappointment.” ❨1337❩ ❛ Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Only assholes do that. ❜ ❨1338❩ ❛ You need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. ❜ ❨1339❩ ❛ I want you always to remember me. ❜ ❨1340❩ ❛ Despite your best efforts, people are going to be hurt when it’s time for them to be hurt. ❜ ❨1341❩ ❛ What stays in your heart will stay; keep them, and what vanishes will vanish. ❜ ❨1342❩ ❛ All I want in this world is you. ❜ ❨1343❩ ❛ I want the two of us to begin everything from the beginning. ❜ ❨1344❩ ❛ No truth can cure the sorrow we feel from losing a loved one. ❜ ❨1345❩ ❛ What a terrible thing it is to wound someone you really care for and to do it so unconsciously. ❜ ❨1346❩ ❛ If you’re in pitch blackness, all you can do is sit tight until your eyes get used to the dark. ❜ ❨1347❩ ❛ I’ve had enough hurt already in my life. More than enough. Now I want to be happy. ❜ ❨1348❩ ❛ People leave strange little memories of themselves behind when they die. ❜ ❨1349❩ ❛ Stop eating yourself up alive. Things will go where they’re supposed to go if you just let them take their natural course. ❜ ❨1350❩ ❛ When your feelings build up and harden and die inside, then you’re in big trouble. ❜ ❨1351❩ ❛ When you fall in love, the natural thing to do is give yourself to it. ❜ ❨1352❩ ❛ If I have left a wound inside you, it is not just your wound but mine as well. ❜ ❨1353❩ ❛ Hey, what is it with you? Why are you so spaced out? You still haven’t answered me. ❜ ❨1354❩ ❛ People are strange when you’re a stranger. ❜ ❨1355❩ ❛ The dead will always be dead, but we have to go on living. ❜ ❨1356❩ ❛ You don’t get it, do you? ❜ ❨1357❩ ❛ I am a flawed human being - a far more flawed human being than you ❨1358❩ realise. ❜ ❨1359❩ ❛ At least let me know whether or not I hurt you. ❜ ❨1360❩ ❛ All of us are imperfect human beings living in an imperfect world. ❜ ❨1361❩ ❛ I’ve never once thought about how I was going to die. ❜ ❨1362❩ ❛ So I’m not crazy after all! ❜ ❨1363❩ ❛ I miss you terribly sometimes, but in general I go on living with all the energy I can muster. ❜ ❨1364❩ ❛ Will you wait for me forever? ❜ ❨1365❩ ❛ I don’t want our relationship to end like this. ❜ ❨1366❩ ❛ When am I going to be able to talk to you? I want you to tell me that much, at least. ❜ ❨1367❩ ❛ It hurts not being able to see you. ❜ ❨1368❩ ❛ I’m not totally mad at you. I’m just sad. ❜ ❨1369❩ ❛ The world is an inherently unfair place. ❜ ❨1370❩ ❛ Life frightens me sometimes. I don’t happen to take that as the premise for everything else though. ❜ ❨1371❩ ❛ I’m a real bargain, don’t you think? If you don’t take me, I’ll end up going somewhere else. ❜ ❨1372❩ ❛ We’re all kind of weird and twisted and drowning. ❜ ❨1373❩ ❛ Don’t you think it would be wonderful to get rid of everything and everybody and just go some place where you don’t know a soul? ❜ ❨1374❩ ❛ You’re not telling me anything I don’t know already. ❜ ❨1375❩ ❛ He who controls the past controls the future. He who controls the present controls the past. ❜ ❨1376❩ ❛ If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself. ❜ ❨1377❩ ❛ We shall meet in the place where there is no darkness. ❜ ❨1378❩ ❛ Until they become conscious they will never rebel. ❜ ❨1379❩ ❛ Power is not a means; it is an end. ❜ ❨1380❩ ❛ They are not interested in the good of others; they are interested solely in power, pure power. ❜ ❨1381❩ ❛ Now you begin to understand me. ❜ ❨1382❩ ❛ In the face of pain there are no heroes. ❜ ❨1383❩ ❛ Big Brother is watching you. ❜ ❨1384❩ ❛ Power is tearing human minds to pieces and putting them together again in new shapes of your own choosing. ❜ ❨1385❩ ❛ It’s a beautiful thing, the destruction of words. ❜ ❨1386❩ ❛ The choice for mankind lies between freedom and happiness and for the great bulk of mankind, happiness is better. ❜ ❨1387❩ ❛ Your mind appeals to me. It resembles my own mind. ❜ ❨1388❩ ❛ Reality exists in the human mind, and nowhere else. ❜ ❨1389❩ ❛ We do not merely destroy our enemies; we change them. ❜ ❨1390❩ ❛ How can I help it? How can I help but see what is in front of my eyes? ❜ ❨1391❩ ❛ You must try harder. ❜ ❨1392❩ ❛ Confession is not betrayal. ❜ ❨1393❩ ❛ What you say or do doesn’t matter; only feelings matter. ❜ ❨1394❩ ❛ If they could make me stop loving you —- that would be the real betrayal. ❜ ❨1395❩ ❛ Of pain you can wish only one thing: that it should stop. ❜ ❨1396❩ ❛ To die hating them, that will be freedom. ❜ ❨1397❩ ❛ No one ever seizes power with the intention of relinquishing it. ❜ ❨1398❩ ❛ What can you do against the lunatic who is more intelligent than yourself? ❜ ❨1399❩ ❛ To keep them in control is not difficult. ❜ ❨1400❩ ❛ So long as they are not permitted to have standards of comparison, they never even become aware that they are oppressed. ❜ ❨1401❩ ❛ The consequences of every act are included in the act itself. ❜ ❨1402❩ ❛ The essential act of war is destruction, not necessarily of human lives, but of the products of human labour. ❜ ❨1403❩ ❛ Stupidity is as necessary as intelligence, and as difficult to attain. ❜ ❨1404❩ ❛ I hate purity, I hate goodness! I don’t want virtue to exist anywhere. I want everyone to be corrupt to the bones. ❜ ❨1405❩ ❛ The past is dead, the future is unimaginable. ❜ ❨1406❩ ❛ You know the answer already. Everyone knows it. ❜ ❨1407❩ ❛ You don’t give a damn what they suffer. All you care is yourself. ❜ ❨1408❩ ❛ It is not easy to become sane. ❜ ❨1409❩ ❛ No emotion is pure anymore, because everything is mixed up with fear and hatred. ❜ ❨1410❩ ❛ They say that time heals all things —- they say you can always forget. ❜ ❨1411❩ ❛ The object of waging a war is always to be in a better position in which to wage another war. ❜ ❨1412❩ ❛ I sold you and you sold me. ❜ ❨1413❩ ❛ You do not exist. ❜ ❨1414❩ ❛ How does one man assert his power over another? By making him suffer. ❜ ❨1415❩ ❛ Obedience is not enough. Unless he is suffering, how can you be sure that he is obeying your will and not his own? ❜ ❨1416❩ ❛ Everything else we shall destroy – everything. ❜ ❨1417❩ ❛ Two and two makes five. ❜ ❨1418❩ ❛ Facts, at any rate, can not be kept hidden. ❜ ❨1419❩ ❛ The past is whatever the records and the memories agree upon. ❜ ❨1420❩ ❛ So long as human beings stay human, death and life are the same thing. ❜ ❨1421❩ ❛ If both the past and the external world exist only in the mind, and if the mind itself is controllable—what then? ❜ ❨1422❩ ❛ The lie became the truth. ❜ ❨1423❩ ❛ It is like swimming against a current that sweeps you backwards however hard you struggle. ❜ ❨1424❩ ❛ Turn round and go with the current instead of opposing it. ❜ ❨1425❩ ❛ It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything. ❜ ❨1426❩ ❛ I don’t want to die without any scars. ❜ ❨1427❩ ❛ This is your life and it’s ending one moment at a time. ❜ ❨1428❩ ❛ You know how they say you only hurt the ones you love? Well, it works both ways. ❜ ❨1429❩ ❛ You are not your job, you’re not how much money you have in the bank. You are not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. ❜ ❨1430❩ ❛ You are not special. ❜ ❨1431❩ ❛ You’re not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else. ❜ ❨1432❩ ❛ The things you used to own, now they own you. ❜ ❨1433❩ ❛ Today is the sort of day where the sun only comes up to humiliate you. ❜ ❨1434❩ ❛ Maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves. ❜ ❨1435❩ ❛ Only after disaster can we be resurrected. ❜ ❨1436❩ ❛ Everything is evolving, everything is falling apart. ❜ ❨1437❩ ❛ We’ve all been raised believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. ❜ ❨1438❩ ❛ Don’t you have other things to do? ❜ ❨1439❩ ❛ Prove you’re alive. If you don’t claim your humanity you will become a statistic. ❜ ❨1440❩ ❛ You have been warned. ❜ ❨1441❩ ❛ If you don’t know what you want, you end up with a lot you don’t. ❜ ❨1442❩ ❛ It’s not love or anything, but I think I like you, too. ❜ ❨1443❩ ❛ If I could wake up in a different place, at a different time, could I wake up as a different person? ❜ ❨1444❩ ❛ Why did I cause so much pain? ❜ ❨1445❩ ❛ The lower you fall, the higher you’ll fly. ❜ ❨1446❩ ❛ Maybe self-improvement isn’t the answer, maybe self-destruction is the answer. ❜ ❨1447❩ ❛ May I never be complete. May I never be content. May I never be perfect. ❜ ❨1448❩ ❛ Everyone smiles with that invisible gun to their head. ❜ ❨1449❩ ❛ We are not special. We are not crap or trash, either. We just are. We just are, and what happens just happens. ❜ ❨1450❩ ❛ The girl is infectious human waste. ❜ ❨1451❩ ❛ I want to destroy everything beautiful I’ll never have. ❜ ❨1452❩ ❛ On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero. ❜ ❨1453❩ ❛ If you could be either God’s worst enemy or nothing, which would you choose? ❜ ❨1454❩ ❛ It is like you’re never really awake; but you’re never really asleep. ❜ ❨1455❩ ❛ Worker bees can leave. Even drones can fly away. The Queen is their slave. ❜ ❨1456❩ ❛ A moment is the most you could ever expect from perfection. ❜ ❨1457❩ ❛ The people you’re trying to step on, we’re everyone you depend on. ❜ ❨1458❩ ❛ You have to give up! ❜ ❨1459❩ ❛ Reject the basic assumptions of civilisation, especially the importance of material possessions. ❜ ❨1460❩ ❛ Without pain, without sacrifice we would have nothing. ❜ ❨1461❩ ❛ You have to realise that someday you will die, Until you know that, you are useless. ❜ ❨1462❩ ❛ A tiger can smile. A snake will say it loves you. ❜ ❨1463❩ ❛ Lies make us evil. ❜ ❨1464❩ ❛ If you died right now, how would you feel about your life? ❜ ❨1465❩ ❛ You always kill the one you love. ❜ ❨1466❩ ❛ Maybe we should always assume the worst. ❜ ❨1467❩ ❛ Put a gun to my head and paint the wall with my brains. ❜ ❨1468❩ ❛ Which is worse? Hell or nothing? ❜ ❨1469❩ ❛ A minute of perfection is worth the effort. ❜ ❨1470❩ ❛ You’re going to die, tonight. You might die in one second or in one hour, you decide. ❜ ❨1471❩ ❛ Lie to me. Tell me the first thing off the top of your head. Make something up. ❜ ❨1472❩ ❛ I don’t give a shit. I have a gun. ❜ ❨1473❩ ❛ I know who you are. I know where you live. ❜ ❨1474❩ ❛ Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of your life. ❜ ❨1475❩ ❛ My philosophy of life is that I can die at any moment. And the tragedy of my life is that I do not. ❜ ❨1476❩ ❛ Everything is so far away, a copy of a copy of a copy. You can’t touch anything and nothing can touch you. ❜ ❨1477❩ ❛ There are a lot of things we don’t want to know about the people we love. ❜ ❨1478❩ ❛ We just had a near-life experience. ❜ ❨1479❩ ❛ If people think you are dying, they give you their full attention. They listen instead of just waiting for their turn to speak. ❜ ❨1480❩ ❛ I am nothing, and not even that. ❜ ❨1481❩ ❛ This isn’t really death. —- We’ll be legends. We won’t grow old. ❜ ❨1482❩ ❛ Stop trying to control everything and just let go. Let go. ❜ ❨1483❩ ❛ The amazing miracle of death, when one second you’re walking and talking, and the next second you’re an object. ❜ ❨1484❩ ❛ Only if we’re caught and punished can we be saved. ❜ ❨1485❩ ❛ I never thought about how important the sky was until I didn't have one. ❜ ❨1486❩ ❛ Dreams are like that: they go in and out of memories and scenes, but they're never real. They're never real, and I hate them because they aren't. ❜ ❨1487❩ ❛ Power isn’t control at all — power is strength, and giving that strength to others. ❜ ❨1488❩ ❛ A leader isn’t someone who forces others to make him stronger. ❜ ❨1489❩ ❛ A leader is someone willing to give his strength to others that they may have the strength to stand on their own. ❜ ❨1490❩ ❛ In the end, we are alone. ❜ ❨1491❩ ❛ It is like a piece of my soul is lost, empty. ❜ ❨1492❩ ❛ If my life on Earth must end, let it end with a promise. Let it end with hope. ❜ ❨1493❩ ❛ Sorry? Sorry isn't enough. ❜ ❨1494❩ ❛ Every single thing I ever loved is beyond my reach now. Everything I ever wanted. Everything I ever was. ❜ ❨1495❩ ❛ Will you stay with me? ❜ ❨1496❩ ❛ A leader doesn't make pawns - he makes people. ❜ ❨1497❩ ❛ Do you hear that? The pulse of life from your heart, the slow in-and-out from your lungs? Even when you are silent, even when you block out all noise, your body is still a cacophony of life. Mine is not. ❜ ❨1498❩ ❛ It is the silence that drives me mad. The silence that drives the nightmares to me. ❜ ❨1499❩ ❛ There is nothing between us but rain. There is nothing between us at all. ❜ ❨1500❩ ❛ I like a little chaos. ❜

#sentence starters #generate sentence prompts #rp meme #roleplay prompt #roleplay meme #prompt for writing #rp prompt #send emoji meme #long tw

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baoshan-sanren · 4 years

Text

Chapter 39

of the wwx emperor au I’m thinking of calling Fuck the Canon: Happy Endings For Everyone

The meeting concludes in a way that is more than satisfactory to the Emperor, if not so satisfactory to the rest of the Council.

Jiang FengMian is to retain his title of High Councilor, but only to soften the blow of the abrupt transition of power. A period of five years has been determined as sufficient for this task. Uncle Jiang will use those years to guide his replacement in the court intricacies and details of his responsibilities, which will ensure full transparency in this particular shift of power.

The choice of the next High Councilor had been the bloodiest battle of the day, one that had drawn the meeting to a standstill for hours. Wei Ying would not budge from his choice however, and once fully aware of his intentions, uncle Jiang had given his firm and unquestionable support. With uncle XingChen’s help, they had wrangled the Council into submission, skillfully enough where Wei Ying had felt guilty, all over again, for nearly causing uncle Jiang to qi deviate that very morning.

Shijie will make an excellent High Councilor. Behind her gentle voice and agreeable manner, there is strength of conviction that the Sect Leaders will find as unyielding as a rocky mountain side. Wei Ying cannot wait to see her turn all that sweet charm and strength of will against Sect Leader Yao, or any of the other men long accustomed to Jiang FengMian’s flexibility. Wei Ying may actually start attending Sect Leader meetings regularly, just for entertainment’s sake.

With the High Councilor being forced into retirement within five years, and the Council itself on the verge of dissolving, the question of the Emperor’s marriage to a Second Young Master of a disgraced Sect is no longer as grave as it would have appeared under less serious circumstances. It was immediately apparent which Sect Leaders had spent their morning in close talks with the Royal Companion. These men, fidgeting and nervous, had voiced their support for the marriage before Wei Ying could even fully voice his intentions.

He had never felt the need to ask A-Sang what particular leverage he has over certain sect leaders, or how he had come to obtain it. A-Sang has always been eerily skilled at ferreting out their secrets and honing in on their weaknesses. The information A-Sang has on them must be significant, because they would not be influenced to withdraw their support, regardless of the pressure from the other Council members.

Wei Ying is allowed to marry anyone he chooses, Lan Zhan included.

It is a good day, and he feels immeasurably happy leaving the council hall, watching the Sect Leaders drift away in a daze, as if physically beaten into submission. He had promised Lan Zhan that he would give him time to speak with his uncle, to speak with his brother, to consult with the Lan Sect Elders. He had promised as much time as Lan Zhan wants or needs. Still, it is a struggle not to immediately seek him out and make the proposal again, properly this time, with all the pomp and ceremony.

He will not. He will be patient. But.

Someone should inform Lan Zhan that the Council has reached a favorable decision. This is not information that Lan Zhan should obtain second-hand, through gossip and idle chatter. Wei Ying will not pressure him, but informing him that the Council had given its unanimous approval would be the proper, respectful thing to do. It is nowhere near the thing Wei Ying actually wants to do, which is to fall to his knees and latch on to Lan Zhan’s ankles and beg him to agree to the marriage now.

Perhaps if he only strolled by the Imperial guest chambers. Casually. And happened to catch the sight of Lan Zhan, perhaps he could--

“Wei WuXian!”

The shout echoes against the high ceiling, rebounding down the hallway with force.

There is only one person who would dare shout his name in the Jade Sword Palace, and that person is currently waiting for him at the South Lakes Pavilion. Also, A-Cheng rarely disrespects him in public, unless Wei Ying has done something truly obnoxious.

He turns to find Jin ZiXuan striding down the hallway, his sword drawn, his face red and furious.

Uh-oh Wei Ying thinks.

He had forgotten all about him.

“Wei WuXian!! How dare you!?”

His voice is nearly obliterated by the sound of blades being drawn all around them, both Imperial Guards and the Jiang Sect forming a wall in front of Wei Ying. Jin GuangShan, who is not the member of the Council, and yet, is always somehow found hovering in the vicinity of every Council meeting, throws himself in front of Jin ZiXuan.

Wei Ying has never before seen Jin GuangShan look visibly terrified; it is not nearly as amusing as he had expected it to be.

“What are you standing there for?” he snaps at the four disciples following behind Jin ZiXuan, all four clearly distraught, “Grab him.”

Jin ZiXuan wheels on the four disciples, sword at the ready, as if daring them to try.

“Please forgive my son, Your Majesty,” Jin GuangShan exclaims, “He has been ill lately, and speaking nonsense. We have had him confined for his own safety. I will take him back immediately. ZiXuan, your mother must be worried to death! Let us go back.”

Jin ZiXuan is practically vibrating. Wei Ying has never seen the Young Master of the Jin Sect this overwrought; he would not have thought it possible.

The dignified, puffed-up peacock is acting like an absolute madman. It is fascinating to watch. Wei Ying wishes A-Sang was here to see it for himself.

“I demand an account of the Emperor!” the youth shouts, “I demand to know why my betrothal was dissolved! I have the right to know!”

“You have a right to nothing!” Jin GuangShan shouts in his face, his beard quivering in agitation, “It is not on you to question the Emperor! Your Majesty,” he turns to Wei Ying, his smile sickly, “As you can see, he is not well. Please do not listen to anything he says. This illness is a personal matter, one that will be resolved quickly.”

“I am not ill!” Jin ZiXuan shakes off his father’s insistent grip to point his sword at Wei Ying, as if unaware of the three dozen swords that point at him in turn, “I demand an answer!”

Wei Ying does not have an answer, at least not an answer that would satisfy Jin ZiXuan. The dissolution of the engagement was nothing more than a power move in a game he had intended to win at any cost.

Shijie knows that Wei Ying will eventually allow the marriage to take place. He would never deny her happiness for his own gain, even if he cannot possibly comprehend what happiness can be gained from marrying into the Jin Sect.

But Jin ZiXuan does not know that the dissolution of his betrothal is not a permanent measure. And apparently, he feels quite strongly about this, a revelation that is somehow both satisfactory and annoying.

“Your Majesty,” Jiang FengMian says, “I do believe that Jin ZiXuan must be seriously ill. Otherwise, he would never act like this. Please allow Sect Leader Jin to take his son back. We will summon the Head Healer immediately.”

Jin ZiXuan looks as if he may stab the next person who suggests that he is ill.

“Nonsense,” Sect Leader Yao exclaims, just when his opinion is least wanted or needed, “No illness excuses such disrespect. Any man who speaks to the Emperor in this way should be accused of inciting rebellion, and his life be made forfeit.”

Jin GuangShan looks horrified. Jiang FengMain grimaces into his beard.

Wei Ying does not want to laugh, but it is incredibly difficult to keep a straight face. Sect Leader Yao, who would slander his own mother if it gained him favor, accusing someone else of disrespect. A-Sang will be furious he has missed this performance.

“Put him in the dungeons for now,” Wei Ying says, “Let us see if his head cools. Do not hurt him!” he adds quickly, as the Imperial guard advances to seize Jin ZiXuan’s sword.

Predictably, Jin ZiXuan fights them, and predictably, he loses, although Wei Ying has to admit that the boy’s skills are fairly decent.

“Your Majesty,” uncle Jiang begins, his voice concerned, “the Young Master’s illness--“

“He is not ill,” Wei Ying snorts quietly, so his voice would not carry to Sect Leader Yao, “He is young, stupid, and angry. I identify, but cannot condone such behavior in public.”

“Your Majesty,” Jin GuangShan is kneeling, his face as gray as the stone arch behind him, “I beg leniency for my son. He is truly not well--“

“Sect Leader,” Wei Ying interrupts coldly, “Do not invite me to speak words we may both regret in the future. Your son had drawn his sword with the intent to cause harm to the Emperor. What possible leniency can you seek that I have not already shown?”

Jin GuangShan says nothing else, and his silence is somehow more unsettling than all the falsehoods that so frequently spill out of his mouth. He remains kneeling even as Wei Ying gathers his escort, and continues down the hallway as if nothing of significance had occurred.

“This will cause problems, Your Majesty,” uncle Jiang says softly.

“Then do your job, and ensure that it does not.”

#the untamed #cql #mdzs #ficlet #m #wwx emperor au #jin zixuan makes an ass of himself #wei ying is not amused #well #maybe he's a little amused #we're getting to the #it's my story and i'll do what i want #part of this au #😂😂😂#the next chapter will be sad and miserable #fingers crossed another 5-6 chapters to go #and probably an epilogue in multiple arts #ily chickens

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the-starsabove-you · 4 years

Text

The Spotlight

A/N: I’m back! After a break, I’m back to writing! Kinda needed it but I’m super excited to be back and writing! I’m redoing a series and I’m still working on this series! I also planning some one shots, but overall am ready to be back and write! I hope you enjoy!

Chapter 34 - Love Me Harder.

Jumping off a bridge was pretty fun and Mat had tons of fun with bungee jumping with Michelle. It was truly one of the best birthday presents he had. To have such a fun time with Michelle and look at the scenery in front of him, the beautiful fields and a few cottages around and the skies were clear. After an hour of bungee jumping, Michelle held his hand and led him back to their hotel, ignoring the multiple taking their pictures and since the hotel had guards nearby, they tried to shield the young couple from the many people forming. After getting into the lobby and soon their private elevator, Michelle let out a sigh as she looked over at the paparazzi snapping pictures of them as the door was closing and Mat took her hand and squeezed it and she looked back at him “I’m sorry, seems like everywhere I go, they’re always around. I just wanted to make sure you had a good birthday” She muttered and Mat lifted her chin with his finger and he leaned forward to kiss her and she melted into the kiss. Mat broke the kiss as he leaned his forehead on hers and chuckled “What man can say they had the love of their life throw them off a bridge after blindfolding them for an hour” Michelle shrugged “I didn’t want to settle for something simple and I know you’ve been wanting to do something crazy for a bit and I thought this would be fun instead of doing something like golfing.” Mat raised his eyebrow in amusement “You don’t like watching me golf?” He teased and she narrowed her eyes playfully at him “It’s sexy watching you play golf, that’s why I really only join when you ask” Mat pretended to be offended “So I’m just eye-candy for you?” He said and she laughed “Don’t worry, I enjoy you having a good time too” Once the doors opened, Mat’s eyes widened at the scene, how the living kitchen and dining room around of the penthouse had candles surrounding and Michelle grinned “I know you claimed you just wanted to stay inside for your birthday, so over in the kitchen is a private chef cooking us dinner and we’re having dinner near the balcony” She said and Mat was in shock as he smiled and shook his head “You really have surprised me today babe” He muttered before she grinned and nudged him “Go get ready for dinner, I’m gonna make sure everything is good for dinner” Mat grinned as he leaned forward and kissed her temple before going to the bedroom to shower and later on get dressed, dressing in slacks and a dress shirt. Michelle had grabbed a dress in the bedroom while Mat was in the bathroom and went to one of the extra bedrooms and changed and did her hair from there. She quickly rushed out and made sure the lights were dimmed enough and the chief got dinner done, Mat’s favorites before he made a birthday cake. Michelle put her heels on and looked at herself in the mirror as she admired herself in a dark navy dress and her hair was curled on the bottom. She made her way to the table and poured the wine in the glasses, she asked Tito which wine would be good for Mat’s birthday and Tito literally ordered one of the best wines he could think of for Italy and shipped it to her room.. The perks of having your best friend’s boyfriend being a huge fan of wine. Michelle heard the water stop from the shower and she looked back and saw that the chief was done frosting the cake and decorating, she grinned in happiness as the chief was finally finished and he was grabbing his jacket and stuff getting ready to leave and she looked over at the dinner and the cake and she sighed in relief that it got done in time, she was gonna leave a very good tip for him.

Michelle was in the kitchen when she heard Mat calling “Babe? Where are you?” He asked and she called “In the kitchen! Sit down and I’ll be there” She called back and she heard Mat pulling out the seat and she waited a couple of moments before taking the dishes of spaghetti carbonara and walking out of the kitchen and towards him and Mat had the biggest smile on his face “My favorite” Mat said with a huge smile on his face and she chuckled as she placed the plate in front of him and put her plate down “I know it’s your go-to when we go out” She said and he smiled, happy that she noticed the little things and it made him happy that she did all of this.. The trip to Italy, the bungee jumping and now this.. It meant the world to him. Mat hummed as he took a spite of the spaghetti carbonara “It tastes like heaven” He muttered and she chuckled and took a bite “Hired one of best chefs in Italy, had to make sure that you got the best for today” Mat watched Michelle for a second before he spoke “Do you get used to this..?” He asked and she looked up from eating and she raised her eyebrow and looked confused “Huh?” She said and Mat looked outside the huge window of the Italy nightlife before looking at her “Living this celebrity life.. People following you around with cameras, going to gig after gig, reading weird stories about you on the internet.. That stuff” He asked. Michelle opened her mouth for a second for a moment before closing it, thinking about the question and she shrugged in the end “I’ve been given this amazing opportunity, to travel the world and meet so many people.. I love doing my job.. Its just sometimes..”

Mat waited for her answer and she chuckled and shook her head “I would love for just one day that I could walk through the streets with no one chasing me, that I don’t have to live up to any standards that Marie or anyone else makes for me.. That I can just sit somewhere publicly and I won’t stand out to anyone” She said and Mat watched her and he nodded “I sometimes wish that too, that I don’t have to be Mathew Barzal, the hockey player.. I can just be Mat Barzal, a regular guy” “Well I love both Mathew Barzal and Mat Barzal, both of you have been an important part of my life and I’m so madly in love with you, if don’t know by now” She laughed and he laughed along with her and she got quiet and shook her head “I’m sorry that I dragged you into this lifestyle, you probably wanted to keep your life as private as possible but it’s not really possible with me..” She said and Mat shook his head “I’ve gotten used to it, I know I won’t have a normal life with you.. It’s kinda a crazy lifestyle but it’s worth it because I have you in the end, but I wanna ask one thing” He said and she looked over at him and he smiled, blushing a bit “If we ever got married and had kids, would you take a break from being a model?” He asked and her mouth dropped open as she was very shocked and caught off guard.. Mat and Michelle never discussed marriage or kids, they were still very young and both of them were still in the prime of their careers. But Michelle did dream of having children and getting married, she wanted to be a better parent than her father and have a happier marriage than her parents ever had.. She wanted to have her own life. Michelle smiled softly as her eyes softened “Do you see yourself marrying me?” She asked and he looked at her for a moment and he smiled “I actually do, I know we’re young and we still have a lot of things to do, but I see myself settling down with you” He said and she smiled at that and she reached out and took his hand and squeezed it “Then yes, I would take a very long break if we had kids” She said and he smiled and squeezed her hand “Of course and when you were ready.. We would figure out what to do from there” Michelle smiled at that and she shook her head “God.. We need to find a house, if you sign with the Isles long term, then we can build a house.. Or buy one. I could care less” Mat chuckled and shook his head “We’ll think of a long term house when we get there.. I know Marie would prefer you to stay in New York but if I sign somewhere else or get traded.. Would you come with me?” Michelle looked at Mat and smiled “Where you go, I go.. I’ll always be with you, I promise” Mat smiled at that answer, it was the one he was expecting. The two having this conversation about what the future held for them, it was refreshing and Mat was glad that they were both agreeing with everything and he poured themselves another glass of wine before looking at her “Speaking of houses, Marie’s real estate agent called and she found another place that’s a good place.. It’s an hour from the city and half an hour away from Nassau Coliseum. I think this may be the one” Michelle grinned at that, both Mat and Michelle had bickered about where they would move too.. Of course they both agreed that Michelle would keep her apartment too in case one of them needed to stay in the city for something but would spend most of their time at the house. “Alright, we’ll make a date to go see the house and we’ll see if it’s the one” Mat raised a glass and she raised it too and Mat was grinning “Oh god I cannot wait to see what you have in store for later” Michelle grinned “It involves whipped cream if it helps” She said and Mat chuckled “I thought I would excited for the cake but I think I’m more excited for what’s coming after” Suddenly Mat stood up and went towards her and he took her hand and was leading her to the bedroom and Michelle looked back “What about the cake?” She asked “We’ll eat it after we’re done”

#mat barzal #mathew barzal #mathew barzal imagine #mat barzal imagine #nhl #nhl fanfiction #nhl imagines #nhl imagine #hockey #hockey imagines #hockey imagine

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caltropspress · 3 years

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FEEDBACK LOOP #6: Cargo Cults’ “Rammellzee”

Since these symbols and all symbols are drawn, infinity’s separation from all symbols must be shown through drawing. The only proof of such a separation of the infinity would be the understanding by the majority of the planetary peers. There is no other way.

—from IONIC TREATISE GOTHIC FUTURISM ASSASSIN KNOWLEDGES OF THE REMANIPULATED SQUARE POINT’S ONE TO 720° TO 1440° THE RAMM-ΣLL-ZΣΣ (1979, 2003)

The rabbit-hole went straight on like a tunnel for some way, and then dipped suddenly down, so suddenly that Alice had not a moment to think about stopping herself before she found herself falling down a very deep well.

—from Lewis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland

Riding among an exhausted busful of Negroes going on to graveyard shifts all over the city, she saw scratched on the back of a seat, shining for her in the brilliant smoky interior, the post horn with the legend DEATH. But unlike WASTE, somebody had troubled to write in, in pencil: DON’T EVER ANTAGONIZE THE HORN.

—from Thomas Pynchon’s The Crying of Lot 49

1. I walk down the street and people look at me and say, “Who the hell are you?”

Cargo Cults (Alaska and Zilla Rocca) begin their track “Rammellzee” with the voice of the some-16 billion-years-old being himself. The song is an ode, an invocation. The organ sample provides a bizarre ride: a carousel of colors. We immediately plummet—into a well, a subway tunnel, a cosmos of linguistics. Not a nonchalant That’s deep, but a depth of knowledge where “cipher” means code, means Supreme Mathematics, means gathering with your rapfolk outside the Nuyorican Poets Cafe or in Washington Square Park: a deep connection. Mimicking Rammellzee, Alaska presents the listener with “swirling pages / forming mazes of [his] formulations” and subsequently “break[s] them down into a form that’s shapeless.”

2. Hip-hop is ageist….In blues, you ain’t official until you fifty. (Ka, Red Bull Music Academy interview with Jeff Mao, 2016)

The phrase …of a certain age has, historically, been used euphemistically to describe someone (typically a woman) who has existed for a “shameful” tally of years. Society is still undoing the stigma, but rappers have made strides.

In Adult Rappers, a 2015 documentary directed by Paul Iannacchino (Hangar 18’s DJ paWL), Alaska is [accidentally?] presented twice in the closing credits—like a double, a separate persona—which calls to mind the multiple personalities of Rammellzee: Crux the Monk, Chaser the Eraser, Gash/Olear, et cetera. Age allows for maturation, for building, for bettering. In Rammellzee’s case—and I’d argue Alaska’s—it allows for complexity to emerge organically through wisdom. It allows for reinvention, for many versions of one’s self. Age and development is how an aerosol can with a fat cap can graduate to customized deodorant roll-ons and shoe polish canisters.

It begins with jerry-rigging a nozzle and ends in diagramming a “harpoonic whip launcher/pulsating extendor” to illustrate the deconstruction of letter-formations in the English alphabet. The spirit of experience pervades the Nihilist Millennial album. As anyone who has ever sat on the couch knows, communication can also improve with age.

Artists and rappers like Rammellzee and Alaska rely on wild-styles, a self-made world that warps quantum physics and disregards notions of dimensionality. It’s dream-vision. It’s liberation. It simultaneously celebrates and critiques communication: like the image of a muted horn.

“Communication is the key,” cried Nefastis. “The Demon passes his data on to the sensitive, and the sensitive must reply in kind. There are untold billions of molecules in that box. The Demon collects data on each and every one. At some deep psychic level he must get through…”

“Help,” said Oedipa, “you’re not reaching me.”

“Entropy is a figure of speech, then,” sighed Nefastis, “a metaphor. It connects the world of thermodynamics to the world of information flow. The Machine uses both. The Demon makes the metaphor not only verbally graceful, but also objectively true.”

[…]

Nefastis smiled; impenetrable, calm, a believer.

The wordplay seems just that: play—that is, until you find the thread. Alaska cobbles together words like rubbish, W.A.S.T.E. Words appear daisy-chained together—flowery, ornate, and strung together by their stems: “fatalism, Fela Kuti, razor thin” / “smash the superstitions with acid tabs and some Sufi visions” / “deep dive Sonny Liston” / “Walt Whitman.”

The track reads like a codex. Something crafted in a scriptorium. His words are warfare—double-tracked/double-barreled—and he slips into braggadocio to prove it. It’s an authoritative posture of experience. Having started atomically small—from Breaking Atoms bedroom listening, to Atoms Family—Alaska’s flow presents nuclear now: maximum damage.

There’s a refinement to what this duo is doing: “Me and Zilla well-established with a lavish vision. / Both hands crusty with Ikonklastic Panzerism.” The boasts rely on royal diction: Camelot, palace doors, Prince Paul. Each man a king, a God, and each one should teach one. Mentor texts for the masses.

Rammellzee is an equation, And simply stated it’s the way of life I’m chasing. That’s why I praise the future-Gothic future-prophet. Gotta rock it, don’t stop it, Gotta rock it, don’t stop.

You find diversions on the song, exits into familiar chambers. GZA quotations (“I was the thrilla in the Ali-Frazier Manila”) and allusions to Main Source. Large Professor rapped “Dead is my antonym,” and if that’s to be proven true, money needs to be removed from the equation. The refrain of “Gotta rock it” not only calls to mind “Beat Bop,” Herbie Hancock, and Grand Mixer DS.T (or his later incarnation, DXT), but rockets—Afrofuturist angles, future shocks (Bill Laswell [Material], friend to Rammellzee, had a hand in all this). It’s not so much a “future-prophet” as a “future profit.” “Freedom in the process” means creativity without expectation, without the constraints of market value.

Alaska gives it to us straight: “I don’t care if you don’t like it, and I don’t care if you don’t buy it / ’Cause I find freedom in the process.” Despite becoming increasingly complex in his visual approach—like a heap of garbage that loses the definition of its component parts over the ages—Rammellzee understood time equals clarity of vision. A wasted world becomes a meaningful one. Of course, we got to pay rent, so money connects, but ownership of one’s art is about empowerment. “Selling out” is the opposite—an evisceration of one’s self and spirit. “We lost control from the second we sold the art,” Alaska raps. “We sold our future….We should be seeking enlightenment.”

The moment arrives, epiphanically: “I find freedom in the process so I’m grateful, / And that’s my main source: it’s my friendly game of baseball.” For Alaska and Zilla Rocca, it’s not a job—it’s a passion, a pastime.

5. Nascent imagination deep inside a battle station.

Post-9/11 meant luxury apartments displaced Rammellzee’s Battle Station loft, his living museum. But the art has been excavated and exists posthumously. His Gothic Futurism and Ikonoklast Panzerism seem at home archived on the internet—a network that appears more like a chaos cloud. Rammellzee deconstructed and transcended language—junk monk scripts and calligraphic cut-ups of consumerism. His art is the empowerment a recycling arrow-triangle could only hope to be. Recycle is also rebirth. Rammellzee’s career path is circuitous, deep-tunneled (subway-esque), eternal.

Similarly, Alaska’s multisyllabic patterns are an endless barrage, like weaponized letters tilted sideways, like bottle rockets angled into a bottle’s neck: “Armament / Now my names are built like a BattleBot / Locked inside an ad hoc Camelot, I rather not / Tangle with a rabid lot, hop inside a rabbit hole.”

Alice was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her sister on the bank, and of having nothing to do: once or twice she had peeped into the book her sister was reading, but it had no pictures or conversations in it, “and what is the use of a book,” thought Alice “without pictures or conversations?”

Boredom can make trouble, but boredom can also breed creativity. Alaska rather not spar with trolls under ISP bridges—though he’s equipped to. Instead, he channels his energies into material.

6. Our culture is done. We lived it.

Near the end, Alaska paraphrases Rammellzee: “I’m not the first or the last to don the mask. / I see it as a title, I’m monastic with these raps.”

Living a life of art—making it regardless of accolade or monetary payment—is the highest form of creativity. Live the art and die by it, like Stan Brakhage, poisoning himself at a slow pace as he applied toxic dyes to celluloid film. Like Rammellzee executing graffiti pieces maskless, huffing the carcinogenic fumes.

MF DOOM (née Zev Love X)—a Rammellzee descendant—taught us how to revel in anonymity, the importance of not spotlighting yourself, but instead seeking out the shade, secret passageways, and the trapdoor in the stage floor. Not all of us heed the advice, but some do, and they feel the throb of real success, not the sort that shows up in bank statements and 401(k) plans.

Images:

“Beat Bop” test pressing, Rammellzee and K-Rob, art by Jean-Michel Basquiat, 1983 (detail) | Rammellzee black-and-white portrait photograph (unknown) | Ikonoklast Panzerism diagram from IONIC TREATISE GOTHIC FUTURISM ASSASSIN KNOWLEDGES OF THE REMANIPULATED SQUARE POINT’S ONE TO 720° TO 1440° THE RAMM-ΣLL-ZΣΣ (1979, 2003) | Page 34 (muted post horn) in Thomas Pynchon’s The Crying of Lot 49, Bantam Books edition (1966) | “A scribe at work,” from an illuminated manuscript from the Estoire del Saint Graal, France (Royal MS 14 E III c. 1315-1325 AD) | Herbie Hancock, Future Shock cassette cover (1983) | Grand Mixer D.ST comic book image (unknown) | Stan Brahage at chalkboard (unknown) | Stan Brakhage, Mothlight celluloid (1963) | “Beat Bop” test pressing, Rammellzee and K-Rob, art by Jean-Michel Basquiat, 1983 (detail)

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tarteausuga · 4 years

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Some Kind of Disaster 1

Genre: fluff, romance, angst

Pairing: Moon Taeil x reader

Masterlist || Next chapter

You had a rule for any relationship you began: things would end after a year. 365 days. It seems ridiculous to any outsider but it was a promise you made to yourself to not only protect yourself but to protect others.

[Day 1]

"Only 364 more days left, right?" Taeil laughed as the two of you cuddled up on the couch to watch a movie.

"Oh shut up, don't make fun of me." You lightly slap his arm. He smiles into your cheek as he presses a kiss against it, running his fingers over your scalp as you fought off the desire to sleep. Taeil had run the gauntlet trying to let him take you out on a date. He was persistent, you had to admit to that.

The fear still resonated through your body as you settled between his form and the couch. The fear that someday, he will realize that he doesn't want to be with you anymore and that he will leave you brokenhearted. It's what everyone else did: everyone got tired of you just as you were finally getting used to being loved.

You made up this rule to protect yourself from that pain. This rule benefited both you and the other person since you could both plan for the next steps in your lives once that calendar marked a year. You want to say it was fool proof but it hasn't worked out the way you were expecting it the past two times. Despite then saying they wouldn't hurt you, you were still in pain.

[Day -34]

"How long are you going to let this guy stay hung up on you?" Your best friend asked as you chatted over a slice of cake.

"I'm not doing anything, he knows the deal and we're just talking anyway." You shrug, dismissing the notification on your phone.

"Are you-" she started but you cut her off.

"Yes I'm still doing the one year relationship rule. I know you don't get it, so I don't need your input again."

She rolled her eyes, "Alright but you know Taeil is actually a decent guy right? And it's been 5 years since-" she brought up a sensitive subject and you immediately put up your hand to stop her from continuing. She slapped your hand away and continued, "I'm trying to say you're not a kid anymore. You two are grown adults and he's a mature man, not like that asshole that you refuse to talk about."

You sighed and stuck your lips out as you acknowledged that she was right. She was always right.

[Day 57]

The sun disturbed your sleep as you grumbled and tried to pull your blanket over your head to feign nighttime but it was too late, you were awake. You rolled over to your phone on your side table to see a 'good morning' text from Taeil, one he never failed to send you since you started dating him. Under the text was a reminder of your days remaining with him and you couldn't help but feel your heart shrink at that realization.

You yawn and rub your eyes awake before reaching for your phone and replying to Taeil. He almost instantly responds with 'get ready, let's go for brunch.' Usually preferring to lay in bed for at least another hour before you got up to get ready for anything, you forced yourself up with the prospect of food in your very near future. The fear of your boyfriend seeing you as less than perfectly groomed and dressed also helped your cause.

It still felt odd to call Taeil your boyfriend. He'd been your friend for a while now and quite honestly, you didn't feel like you deserve his kindness and patience. He said 'I love you' a little over a week ago but quickly followed with a 'don't feel pressured to respond, I just wanted to tell you.' The guilt of not responding to him right away kept you awake at night. Did you love him back? Why didn't you say it back? What are you so afraid of?

[Day -2157]

Your one fault in love was you fell into it easy too easily. Within the first weeks, you were ready to plan your future together and that would either scare a person away or make you easily manipulated.

You were naked under the sheets with your boyfriend. The mood felt so right. The moon was dripping through the curtains and there was a comfortable silence as he traced circles onto your back with his fingers. You sat up and looked into his eyes and let "I love you" escape from your lips.

He responded by connecting his lips with yours and nothing more. Your realized later on that he would never say it back despite you giving all of your love to him. He would use it to make you do things that you normally wouldn't do for anyone. He would use it against you if you were ever upset at him for any reason. He would do something wrong but you would be punished for it somehow.

A little over a year of being with him, he ended it. On second thought, he did say he loved you. Just that one time where he was ending it. He broke it off and blamed you for whatever reason, saying he loved you so much but it became hard to love you after a while. What did he mean?

Oh Sehun not only broke your heart but he took it with him when he left. You gave him all of you and he never gave it back, leaving you empty and wondering what you did wrong?

[Day 58]

It was amazing how a day could turn into days then weeks with Taeil. Whenever you were together, you never wanted to be apart from each other which made simple things like having a social life and a job quite difficult for you.

You were both quite awful cooks so you made a choice to learn to be better together. Slowly, the two of you were mastering breakfast. Breakfast, being eggs and sausage but hey, baby steps!

He intensely watched the eggs as they cooked in the pan. You found it amusing that he would be so focused on this one little thing when he was usually quite aloof and floating around the room as other things were going on.

"They're not going to cook any faster if you watch them, you know?" You stifle a laugh behind your smile.

"Well, obviously not. I just know how you like them and I want them to be perfect." He wrapped one arm around your waist, refusing to take any attention away from those precious eggs.

"I love you." The words seemed to slip out as you went to tease him again but they succeeded in getting his full attention.

"You what?" He stared at you, mouth gaped open.

"I-I'm not saying it again." You cover your mouth.

#Moon Taeil #Taeil #nct taeil #taeil fluff #nct 127 scenarios #nct #nct 127 #nct blurbs #nct fluff #NCT scenarios #NCT 127 fluff #Taeil scenarios #Taeil imagine #taeil imagines #Taeil scenario #Taeil angst #kpop scenarios #Kpop imagines

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themightyhemmings · 4 years

Text

50 questions you've never been asked before

thank you so much for tagging me @lukesflaredpants 💗💗!! (I‘m doing this on my notes app so I’m currently dying inside but i thought this is a fun thing to do so why not. Now that i‘m done wih it, it’s save to say that this is my villain origin story )

1. what is the colour of your hair brush? Brown

2. name of a food you never eat? brussels sprouts, any kind of meat or fish and spinach

3. are you typically too warm or too cold? too warm

4. what were you doing 45 minutes ago?

I was cuddling my dog :-)

5. what’s your favourite candy bar? A Kinderriegel or anything from Reeses

6. have you ever been to a professional sports event? my uncle always drags me to football games with him whenever i visit them

7. what is the last thing you said out loud? I don’t think you’re taking me seriously right now

8. what is your favourite ice cream? mint chocolate, cookie dough or peanut butter cup

9. what is the last thing you had to drink? water because it’s pretty late right now

10. do you like your wallet? Yesss i do, although it’s pretty old now, but i‘ve got good memories connected to it

11. what was the last thing you ate? noodle soup

12. did you buy any new clothes last week? i did, but i need more than one pair of jeans so i think it’s justified lol

13. last sporting event you watched? I honestly can’t remember that, probably a football game

14. what’s your favourite flavour of popcorn? i love both sweet and salty, i can‘t choose between them

15. who was the last person you sent a message to? @lukesflaredpants 😄

16. ever go camping? yes and it gave me a life long trauma and trust issues

17. do you take vitamins? nope

18. do you go to church every sunday? no

19. do you have a tan? i don’t but i wish i had a little bit of a tan tbh because i sparkle in the sunlight like the cullens and i glow in the dark like a glow stick.

20. do you prefer chinese food or pizza? i like both, i can‘t really choose here either

21. do you drink soda with a straw? nope

22. what colour socks do you wear? The more color and patterns the better. The cherry on tope of the cake is glittery socks though that are Christmas themed

23. do you ever drive above the speed limit? never

24. what terrifies you? Insects, my past mistakes, the future, being alone, horses, bugs, people and driving

25. look to your left what do you see? a wall and a pillow

26. what chore do you hate? any chore really, but vacuuming the most

27. what do you think of when you hear an australian accent? Ashton Irwin and then the rest of 5sos

28. what’s your favourite soda? rhubarb (?)

29. do you go into fast food places or drive thru? usually into fast food places but only on rare occasions because i don’t have any near me

30. who was the last person you talked to? over text @lukesflaredpants and in real life to my sister

31. favourite cut of beef? i don’t have one

32. last song you listened to? Not in the same way - 5sos

33. last book you read? Aspects of the new right-wing extremism by theodor w. adorno

34. can you say the alphabet backwards? i have half a braincell on my good days so no, never

35. how do you like your coffee? with a tiny bit of milk but definitely no sugar

36. favourite pair of shoes? i have a pair of sneakers that have a flower print on them, so i guess those

37. the time you normally go to bed? when i have work i go to bed at 8 and sleep by 10 but now i just sleep whenever i feel like it

38. the time you normally wake up? If i have work at 7 and if not between 7:30 and 9

39. what do you prefer sunrise or sunsets? sunsets (preferably while i‘m at the beach)

40. how many blankets are on your bed? 1 duvet and a fluffy one to keep me warm when i‘m cold

41. describe your kitchen plates? a lot of different colors and different patterns because my mum likes it

42. do you have a favourite alcoholic beverage? White wine or malibu with passion fruit juice

43. do you play cards? i can play uno but that’s it lmao

44. what colour is your car? It’s dark blue and the roof is black

45. can you change a tire? i had to do it once and i hope i won’t ever have to do it again

46. your favourite province? i don’t really know what to say here lol

47. favourite job you’ve had? the one i have now at the kindergarten! (it’s not a real job actually, i‘m only doing a voluntary social year and right now i‘m at home because of corona)

48. how did you get your biggest scar? i had to get surgery on my foot because i had a juvenile bone cyst (?) so that‘s where i got my biggest scar from

49. favourite day of the week? Saturday

50. what did you do today that made someone happy? I ate breakfast outside with my favorite mug and my dog in my lap and it was just a very calm morning and i loved that

i‘m gonna tag @wildflowerkels because they‘ve been the last person to follow me according to tumblr (i‘m really sorry i just don’t know anyone on here i can tag, i hope you don’t mind) you also don’t actually have to do this, only if you want to! also if you scroll past this and like being tagged in things like this, let me know so i can tag you instead of people who are not expecting it!😭😅💫

#i just realized i misread the last question but fvck that i need to make myself happy too sometimes #i enjoyed doing this #tag games #honeslty if you scroll past this and feel like doing it then do it #i‘m always too scared to tag the people i think of because i don‘t want to weird them out and this here is already making my anxiety #go through the roof lmao #not 5sos

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presidentlauraroslin · 4 years

Note

Drabble prompts: 23. “I immediately regret this decision.” Amos/Chrisjen OR 34. “Are you testing me?” Chrisjen/Nancy Gao OR 76. “I wouldn’t change a thing about you.” Bobbie/Chrisjen OR 99. “Don’t look at me like that.” Gerri/Roman if you're feeling adventurous

So I basically did all of them, except Gerri/Roman, because, oh boy, I am not confident in enough in my writing to tackle that. So pairings are:- Chrisjen/Nancy- Amos/Chrisjen (Rated E)- Bobbie/Chrisjen

34. “Are you testing me?”Chrisjen/Nancy Gao

“Why do you want this?” Chrisjensipped her gin-tonic and tilted her head. She knew she shouldn’t have done this,cleared the venue where Nancy was about to hold some campaign event, but witheverything going on in the campaign, and mostly outside of it, she hadn’t had achance to talk to Nancy and something in her, had pushed her to do this. Totalk. To break with all informal rules and basically disrupt Nancy’s campaign.Just like she had expected, Nancy wasn’t shocked or impressed, almost as if shehad known this would happen sooner or later.

“Why do you? You never wanted it inthe first place.” Nancy crossed her long legs, hands folded in her lap. On theoutside she looked calm, but the fact that she had just answered Chrisjen’squestion with another question told her that she wasn’t feeling certain, notsure of Chrisjen’s motivations to be there. Chrisjen couldn’t blame her for thesuspicion. It hadn’t exactly been a clean battle up until now.

“Because I will do anything toprevent the end of humanity, even if I have to do shitty job until the day Idie.” Something she sincerely hoped wouldn’t be necessary. She hadn’t ever consideredretirement, but the prospect of doing this job for a decade or more might causeher to seriously think about getting out of politics.

She just wouldn’t be able to forgiveherself if the protomolecule reared its ugly head again and she could have preventedit.

“And I will do my best to give thepeople of Earth a chance at a better future. A chance to get off basics, to geta job, to do something other than wait for an opportunity.” Chrisjen smiled andshook her head, downing the rest of her drink. Nancy’s lips thinned. “You don’tbelieve me.”

“I do, that’s the fucking problem.” Sheknew Nancy wanted the best for the people of Earth and once upon a time,Chrisjen had wanted that too. Her focus had shifted however, to wanting toprotect the entirety of humanity. An impossible task that she had imposed uponherself and Holden, though how much he was aware of that, she didn’t know. “I knowthat you believe the Ring gate is our best option for the future. If theprotomolecule didn’t scare the shit out of me, I’d maybe agree with you. So Iwill fight you, to the bitter end, even though I think you could make aformidable Secretary-General. If we didn’t disagree so fundamentally, I’d bemaking sure you won.”

It wasn’t a lie. She had always seenNancy as a possible Secretary-General, would probably have pushed her forwardas a candidate to run against Sorento-Gillis, if the coward hadn’t slinked offat the first sign of trouble without any of his advisors around. But Nancy’sexpression had hardened, her hands tense in her lap. “What is this? What areyou doing? Are you testing me? See if I respond in a way that gives you aweakness you can exploit?”

“No, hard is that is to believe.”Slowly she stood up, straightening her clothes. Nancy looked as if she wantedto stand up as well, use her height to her advantage, but she remained seated.Chrisjen gave her a small smile. “I don’t like what you stand for, but I likeyou. You’re young, smart, ambitious, not a some castrated bobblehead likeSorento-Gillis. This is me saying I wish the situation could be fucking different.”

“Thank you. I wish the situation weredifferent too. Not the Ring gate. I wish it wasn’t you I were running against.”Chrisjen gently squeezed her shoulder when she walked past her and swept out ofthe hall. It was time to return to reality, being opponents once again. Asingle election decisive in what would be the future of humanity. What a fuckingmess.

23. “I immediately regret thisdecision.” Amos/Chrisjen

Chrisjen groaned out a quiet fuck asshe sank down on him, thanking whatever fucking god she had prayed to that morningthat she had some lube on her. Even with the orgasm he had already given her, shehad been no where near wet enough to take him or anyone really, and JesusChrist, did she need this.

His hands were on her hips and shehad the urge to pull them away, pin them beside his head. She didn’t mind himtouching her, obviously, but Amos, even with highly inappropriate comments andhis interest in whatever she was wearing, had something dangerous about him.She had seen men like him before, men who knew no fear, who had seen it allbefore and weren’t fazed by anything. He could hurt her so easily, if he wantedto.

Maybe that’s why she find herselfwith his cock inside her, her nails digging into his chest as she rolled herhips. He had something nobody she had ever fucked had had. And it just feltgood to have someone she could fuck and it wouldn’t bring her any difficulties.Being the goddamn Secretary-General had severely limited her options of sleepingwith people other than her husband. Amos had been easy, convenient, clearlyinterested in her and his mouth was more talented that she had expected. She’dbe feeling the chafe of his beard on the inside of her thighs for days.

“Come on, Chrissie. You can do betterthan that.” He squeezed her hips and then had the fucking gall to smack herass, not hard, but she narrowed her eyes anyway, digging her nails in a littleharder.

“Fuck you, Burton,” she spat at him.His eyes closed for a moment, a moanfalling from his lips. It didn’t deter him for long, the look in his eyes fartoo mischievous when he opened them again.

“I thought you were.” He thrust upinto her, his hands holding her hips and ass tight enough that she wouldn’t besurprised if she found some bruises tomorrow. He looked so incredibly smug, theasshole, she resisted the urge to hurl another insult at him, knowing it wouldprobably only spur him on. He had never made a secret of liking her choice oflanguage. It also didn’t help she could still see the evidence of him eatingher pussy in his beard.

“I immediately regret this decision,”Chrisjen muttered, without any venom, although she really did want to slap himfor calling her Chrissie while being inside her, and Amos chuckled, squeezingher ass a little tighter. They had their rhythm now, it wasn’t soft or sweet,and she hadn’t wanted that either. She wanted to feel fucked and he seemed toget that, his thumb seeking out her clit, as she moved on his cock. She moaned,clenching around him, determined to make him come as well.

“You’re not the first person to saythat to me.” He was starting to sound a little breathless and she smirked, eventhough he was fucking good at getting her off as well, circling her clit like agoddamn pro. Chrisjen clenched her jaw, trying to hold off, but he really wastoo good at this. She was well aware of the fact that she was panting, her hairhaving come undone, her nipples still aching from when he had sunk his teethinto them.

“Probably not the fucking last either,”she replied. Whatever smart retort he had ready, he never managed to say it asraked her nails down his chest and arched her back, letting this absolute brickof a man with the subtlety of a nuke to the face make her come again. She bitback a cry as her legs trembled and her knees ached. He didn’t stop moving histhumb, not even when he let out a groan and followed her over the edge.

She looked down at him, letting thelast waves of her orgasm wash over her as she pushed his hand away from herpussy. He had his eyes closed, biting his bottom lip, muscles in his chest andarms tense. Ridiculous how easily he could snap her in half if he wanted to. Shedidn’t think she had ever fucked with someone quite as built as he was. Therewas definitely something in riding a man like that, making him come.

He opened his eyes and grinned ather. “Goddamn Chrissie.”

This time she did lightly slap hischest, where the red lines her nails had left behind stood out against hisskin. “Don’t fucking call me that.”

76. “I wouldn’t change a thing aboutyou.” Bobbie/Chrisjen

Bobbie sighed and leaned back intothe way too comfortable sofa that was situated in the luxury that was Chrisjen’sLuna home. She had seen her house on Earth. It was hard to believe some peoplewere rich enough to own two enormous houses while some people wasted away onbasic, a topic she had learned not to bring up, didn’t even want to bring upright now. She just felt tired and was glad to have a place away from the messon Mars to relax.

“Drink. You look like you fuckingneed it.” Chrisjen waved a glass of scotch in front of her and Bobbie took iteven if she wasn’t much of scotch drinker. It was liquor and with Chrisjen,sitting down next to her, her skin so warm and soft against her own, it wasenough to settle some of the thoughts racing through her mind. Not enough to getrid of the weight resting heavily on her shoulders.

“I’m a fuck-up,” she said after alarge sip of the nicest scotch she had ever had. Chrisjen scoffed and leanedcloser to her, her head resting on Bobbie’s shoulder. Bobbie looked down ather, the inky black hair, the expression on her face soft, her fatigue showingwithout any makeup to hide it. The nightgown was new, at least Bobbie thought so.The woman probably owned on in ever color of the rainbow.

“If you’re a fuck-up, then what am I?Lost an election that should have been easy, caused the death of twelve marinesand a few dozen Belters, and oh, failed to stop a fucking goldrush that will atbest, empty the sol system, and at worst wake up some alien threat that willwipe out humanity.” Bobbie smiled and rested her cheek on top of Chrisjen’shead.

“You’re a colossal fuck-up.” Chrisjenlet out a short laugh, placing a hand on Bobbie’s forearm. Bobbie wanted sobadly to feel better, but Esai’s face, the Belter tattoos, the air rushing outaround her, it was all burned into her memory and she couldn’t shake the overwhelmingfeeling of guilt that joined the images. “I should have done something. Anything. Ishould have tried harder to stop it.”

“It’s not your fault, Bobbie. Therewere a lot of moving pieces and if Belters managed to sway part of the Martianmilitary, you couldn’t have stopped it. Fuck, I probably couldn’t have stoppedit. We’ll be lucky if the two of us can figure out what the fuck is going on.”

“I should have been better. The dreamof Mars is going to shit and I’m following close behind. Or maybe leading thecharge. Who knows.” She watched how her fingers absentmindedly played with therim of her glass. She wasn’t the type to be self-chastising, but then again,she had changed a lot. And she needed to put this feeling of helplessness somewhere.Chrisjen sighed and plucked the glass from her hand, putting it on the table,her fingers underneath Bobbie’s chin.

“Bobbie look at me. We all makemistakes. We’re human, we’re not perfect. You’re not perfect, god knows I’m notfucking perfect. But I wouldn’t change a thing about you.” There wasn’t a liein Chrisjen’s dark eyes and Bobbie smiled, albeit a little sadly. Chrisjenreturned it and leaned in to press a soft kiss against her lips. “So stop weighingyourself down. Without you, I wouldn’t know that the Belters were up tosomething. Now, we can figure what. Together.”

Bobbie traced her thumb over Chrisjen’scheekbone and stole another kiss, making a little slower this time. “I’m stilla fuck-up.”

“We’ll be fuck-ups together.” Chrisjenunceremoniously dropped her tumbler back in her hands, the liquor nearly sloshingover the rim. “Finish your scotch. I’m tired and I’d like to go to sleep withyou next to me.”

#the expanse #chrisjen avasarala #nancy gao #amos burton #bobbie draper #margotgrissom #fanfic #expanse spoilers

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baselinecult · 5 years

Text

Forbidden Us. 1

Genre: Its kinda fluffy? Kinda Angsty but it’s all very mild. (also I try to be funny kinda)

Warnings: Nothing (yet) except for the word fuck lol

Summary: Jungkook is hell bent (get it?) on getting out of this small town, all is good until one night he stumbles across a patch of dirt riddled with tulips and you.. with your wings.

Word count: 1.9k

A/N: My first writing post. i hope it lives up to expectation!! I have decided though, it would be better to do this in parts. I hope you lot enjoy this. Any feedback is welcomed & or requests / prompts for future writing. I would love to do requests! Sorry if its kinda a slow burn, the other parts have more angst in them.

Forbidden.

The word tossed at Jungkook daily, or more so when he was caught doing something ‘forbidden.’

He has heard that word more times than he can count. Over the years of sleeping in flames, and he swore once he finally died he would find some sort of peace, yet here he was.. demon duties and all did they toss that word at him like daggers. “Jungkook, going to the human world unassigned is forbidden.” “Jungkook, playing with the soul sceptre is absolutely forbidden.”

Blah, blah, blah

Jungkook scoffs at the thought of that stupid word and sure, maybe it’s because he isn’t the type to follow the rules, even when he was living and more so now. The higher ups to him seemed to truly love that word. Forbidden. Used purely to make him and many others feel trapped. I mean, he’s a demon. He will always be trapped in a ring of dark fire but-

“I just wanted to hold the stupid sceptre..” Jungkook mumbles to himself as he continues walking the vacant streets of the living. Don’t worry. He is actually allowed here this time. A few more silent steps, glancing to his left only to be greeted by the same coffee shop he see almost every time he is assigned here. Groaning, Jungkook throws his head back “Why does Hyun Always put me in this town.” Glancing around once more. “It’s so boring.”

He continues, the lights above him flickering with each passing of his figure. This town he’s in; He knows it all too well, from each shop keepers to every single fucking dog that manages to not only startled him (he’ll never admit it though) as he passes but their owners because; “what’re you barking at?” He’s been here so many times and Jungkook’s starting to think that Hyun is putting him here on purpose.

Jungkook remains on the same path feet barely touching the ground at this point as he makes his way up to a park bench illuminated by both the moon and the dim street lamps and where the next soul he is meant to collect is supposed to be. Glancing down at his wrist reading the time; he lets out a relieved sigh when he reads 11:34 pm.

“Great, a few more minutes and I’ll be free from this town.” He says. running his hands through his already messy dark locks. He doesn’t see it, at first that is. Only when the suddenly colour dances in the moonlight in the corner of his eyes. It’s not fully registered until he stops in front of a patch of flowers, slowly wilting at the presence of we,, him, that he sees it. Well more like her.

“What the fuc-” You stop. Anger obvious in your iris’ as you eye him up and down. Jungkook is staring, a bit too much simply waiting on you to scream, or something because well.. you can definitely see him. Floating. In the middle of this shitty night street. But. the scream never comes, instead a hard object hits the side of his head. He reaches up to grasp the assaulted skin. “Ouch what the fuck!” He says, voice grew darker as did the browns of his eyes fading into a black. He can hear the slight inhale you take as you step closer out of the shadow and near him. Under the dim light can he finally take in your appearance; Light hair, the soft eyes and.. huh? Wings?

“Why the fuck are you staring?” Your voice pulling him out of whatever trance he was stuck in. He notices the way your arms are folded across your body, face unamused. He looks away a bit too quick toward the bench, as the human takes a seat waiting for the bus they will never catch. He takes another glance toward you after a moment of silence. No, those can’t be real. He can’t help but notice how they flick in movement every once in a while, the holographic colour dancing off of them. It took him forever to believe in what he had become, in even the possibility that demons were in fact real and now he has to believe in a fucking FAIRY? No. He scoffs “Did you just get back from a halloween party or something, dear?” He says, a teasing tone lining his voice. He knows it’s not halloween but cleary you missed that memo. Right?

He stares waiting on a reply or you know “I’m sorry I threw a shovel at your head.” either one works. Tilting his head slightly with a smirk. Your lips are pressed into a tight line trying to not take what he of all species has to say. “Listen dickhead, first its fucking july. Second, look what you did to my tulips.” The last part comes out slightly softer than the first part. Either he noticed the way your voice grew faint and chose not to acknowledge it. OR he truly is a dumb as you have already painted him to be. All demons are daft.

“Wait..” He starts, looking at your face and letting his gaze go to your wings once again. “You’re fucking kidding me. Fairies are real?” You simply shrug. Did he really not know? “I don’t know.. am I standing right here?” You ask rolling your eyes as you take a few more steps in his direction. Crouching down when you reach the small patch of dead flowers. He watches your movement as you trace your fingers over each petal delicately. He can see how the drained red start to turn back into a deep one in seconds. A smile slowly starts to etch itself back onto your lips as you stand, “Um.. weren’t you here for something..?” You say pointing toward the black watch resting on his wrist. His eyes following the point of you finger until-

“SHIT.” He says as he whips around, the air force he caused would probably be enough to push you over it you allowed it. “No. no no no” He quickly walks toward the bench, not noticing you following behind curiously. He looks everywhere he possibly can, no one in sight. Great. “Fuck. Me” He runs his hands through his hair. How the fuck was he supposed to tell Hyun a fairy caused him to miss his mark. “That's too bad..” You mumble not fully expecting him to hear you as you make your way back to the spot where your newly revived flowers stood. If you could hear the rest of his sanity snap, it would be deafening. He looks over at you as you reach down to the tulips again. Rushing over to you he stomps on them, petals crunching under the force of his foot.

“W-What are you doing??” You choke out, trying your hardest to pry his foot off of the soft soil. When you look up you can clearly see the specks of black in his eyes, slowly spreading. “Your stupid fucking flowers made me miss my mark.” He hisses. Also your stupid wings but he didn’t mention that one, too busy fuming at the thought of missing his last mark. Your mouth is slightly open before you scoff “My flowers? Caused YOUR incompetence?!” You stand quickly, almost eye level. You didn’t mean to let it, but the tears didn’t care as they forced themselves to rest in your eyes. “Really?? You’re crying over fucking flowers??” He says, grabbing your wrist, tight. Squeezing it so hard you can feel the slight burn and the sizzle of his hand around you. You try to wiggle your way out of his grasp, Looking at him with wide eyes, until he finally just lets you go, causing you to fall onto the dirt with a small gasp. He turns, taking a few steps before looking back at you. “If I see you again.. I may not be so nice.”

You knew demons, how they were. You’ve met plenty of them, yet you didn’t even mean to meet him tonight, simply making your rounds to check on every flower that you had placed into the earth. He just happened to be there. And now your covered in dirt, surrounded by petals staring at the back of his head as he slowly fades from view.

You’ve been rubbing at the dark hand mark circling at your wrist for a few minutes now, a light sigh leaving your lips. You’ve tried so hard to hide it but you can’t really wear long sleeves now can you. Your wings flutter at even the thought of wearing such a restrictive shirt. “Are you okay?” Your sister, Chae, asks breaking your train of thought as she sets down the meal she’s finished preparing. “You’ve been rubbing at your wrist a lot..” She says, worry written all over her face. Shaking your head, you smile at her “I just worked a little too hard last night I guess.” Laughing lightly grabbing for the chop sticks in the middle of the table.

Chae seeming to believe you stuffs some of the noodles into her mouth. A few moments pass, the only sounds that can be heard is the ticking of the clock hanging above the refrigerator and the slight sound of chewing. “Oh!” Chae suddenly says, startling you slightly. “Did you hear? There was a demon in town last night!” Your heart stops at the mention. Oh? Really?” You ask, playing with the noodles before placing some into you mouth. Chae nods “Apparently his target was one of the old town shop keepers.. but he missed” Chuckling, she looks up at you “I mean, what kind of demon misses his mark like that?” You let out a soft laugh as she continues to ramble on about it. Hand coming down to continue twisting around the burning skin.

Jungkook however, was currently in a vacant room, Hyuns eye shooting waves of :You’re a fucking idiot’ and “You’re get your ass murdered (AGAIN)” A moment passes before Hyun lets out a sigh, standing up from his seat across the room, walking agonizingly slow. “Listen Jungkook, we know you’re kinda new at this, actually, you’ve been ere for how long now?” He chuckles, the faint smile he wore now fading.

“But.. you can’t fuck this type of shit up. Rebel against whomever you want, that’s on you. But you know better than to let a soul go.” He scolds. Jungkooks eyes are void of any emotion. “I’ll cut you a deal though” Hyun says, smirking when Jungkooks eyes finally meet his own. Hands reaching for Jungkooks shoulders as he circles around him; almost like a vulture with its prey. \

“Stay in that town for 3 months, collect a few more souls to prove to me you can and maybe i’ll consider not telling Luc.” Jungkook body tenses at the name. Waiting a moment until he finally nods. Deciding that dealing with that town for a couple more months is definitely better than having to deal with Luc. Luc of course being the douchebag (as Jungkook likes to call him) of hell. He’d rather sleep in hell fire for the rest of eternity than deal with Luc bitching to him about how he’s the ‘worst demon to even find his way into hell’ or how he’s a ‘fucking moron.’ He’d rather fix this before that could happen at all. And if he’s being honest, he despises him, so any opportunity to avoid him he will jump on it.

“Alright then.” Hyun taps Jungkooks shoulder once more as he passes by him. “Fuck this up.. I won’t be there to cut you deals anymore.” Hyuns voice fades, as does Jungkooks being.

And well.. shit.

[A/N 2: That’s part 1! I hope you guys liked it? Um.. I’ll be posting the next part in a few days or so! Thank you for reading! Also again if you have any type of one shot or anything you’d like to see. please let me know!]

#forbiddenfic #jungkook x reader #jungkook x oc #bts fanfic #jungkook fluff #jungkook smut #jungkook angst #bts x reader #jungkook au #demon!jungkook #the oc isnt weak btw! syou'll learn about her character more soon #bts #jungkook fanfic

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fairyshuuu · 5 years

Text

black silk pt5.

.summary. They are not your family. Family shouldn’t hurt, family shouldn’t prick like the thorns of a rose, dragging you down to the ground. It’s only when it all feels lost, that you realize this, though. .word count. 5.5k .pairing. baekhyun x reader .genre. werewolf au fluff/angst (will contain smut in future chapters) .other members.

.warnings. talk of human trafficking, swearing

part 1. part 2. part 3. part 4. part 5.

Baekhyun is aware he must look like a mess right now, hair disheveled and sticking up in several directions. His shirt is a light gray instead of the normal white because of the smoke of last night that stuck to his clothes like a lifeline. He’s exhausted, but still manages to send the receptionist a thankful smile.

“Is your friend feeling any better, Mr. Byun?” The blonde asks, smiling over her shoulder at him as she presses the lift button for him. Baekhyun hums, though he can’t help the worried tone that slips in, and gets into the elevator.

“I sure hope so! If not, I brought her a meal larger than her own body for nothing.” He smiles back at the woman when she giggles, letting the doors close on her. She looks like she wants to say more but Baekhyun is too stressed out to give a damn. All he wants is to see you. He doesn’t have the state of mind for pleasantries right now. As soon as the elevator doors close, Baekhyun needs to lean into the wall, doing his very best to keep stable. Yesterday had been a mess, and frankly, his brain is still trying to make sense of all that happened.

Chanyeol and Jongdae suggested bringing you home, but Bumble disagreed strongly. She wanted to bring you to the hospital, and Jongin again broke in to explain how impossible that would be. You were lying near the factory, and would be the prime suspect for the arson charge. Everyone came to the conclusion that it would be best to bring you to a hotel, so that’s what he did. He carried you carefully up the stairs, feeling your soft breath against his shirt. It had taken all of his energy not to break out into a bawling fest from his side, that’s how overwhelmed he had been. When he finally got you in bed, it was 5 am already.

Baekhyun also didn’t want to stay in the same room, in case you woke up and him being there would scare you again, or something of the sort. He’s been going back and forward between keeping Maggie updated on your temperature and reporting to Bumble and Junmyeon. He’s only really coming to terms with the fact that you’re actually real, and that he has to talk to you now, a good 4 hours after. The elevator stops on the fifth floor. He gets out with a shaky sigh, carefully balancing the bag of food and the cup of coffee in his one hand as he looks around for the room key with the other.

He’s been breaking his skull the entire walk back trying to figure out what to say to you, but he keeps falling short. After all, what do you say to the person you’ve been looking for, every day for months without them having any idea. Everything he wants to say seems too sudden, and so he decides not to say anything until it’s needed, or asked for. That he won’t mess up.

He fishes the key card out of his pocket, and gently opens the door. A soft golden light falls over the room through the big window, making the messed up blankets and pillows look especially soft. It’s quiet though, a tense voidness that makes Baekhyun swallow. He kicks off his shoes and sets down the food on the table, sauntering to the bathroom as his heart sinks.

The bathroom is empty, the room is empty, and your stuff is gone. Even his note is gone, only the glass of water left behind, untouched. The quiet is thick and suffocating.

It’s in that single second that his hope is once again ripped from his fingers before he can blink, and suddenly he sinks down against the wall. Before he can stop it, a muffled sob makes it’s way out. Baekhyun lets his head fall to the wall, and tugs his knees towards his body, thick tracks making their way down his cheeks. His soft whimpers go unheard by the rest of the world, that steadily keeps spinning. He presses his hands to his eyes, trying to hide the wetness from himself, as if covering up his feelings would just make them go away.

He’s alone again. Again, and he can’t help but feel like it’s always going to be this way. He pulls up his nose, slumping completely into the cold wallpaper. It’s not like him to wallow in self pity. But everything in this room so clearly screams that you don’t want him. You don’t want to wait for him, you don’t want to see him or hear him or meet him. It’s this that makes him swallow, trying to keep the sound down his throat. He can’t find it in his heart to be mad at you though he wishes he could. As he shifts, he rests his cheek on his knee, letting the tears run freely down his face and neck.

You already have a mate. You’ve found your forever, and Baekhyun is not it. You’re not his to keep, and this makes Baekhyun so undeniably sad, that his heart feels like it’s chewing holes in his chest.

You take out your phone and glance at it, letting your slight worry fade. It’s 10:13. You have about a million missed calls from Dongyoung, but that at least means that he got back fine. And despite everything, you feel fine too. Yuri hasn’t caught you yet, and you’re willing to see this as a big victory. You don’t want to know what he’d do if he would have found you, so obviously guilty. You just sigh, not willing to find out.

As you walk, you can’t help but look back every few steps. Maybe it’s paranoia, but you have a strange sensation in your stomach, as if something is wrong. No matter how many times you look back though, nothing is there. You must be exhausted, or delusional. That’s the only explanation for this weird feeling you’re having.

Your steps bounce back between the houses, empty street longer than you expected it to be. This little neighborhood is nice, though it is a tad bit confusing because all the houses look the same. The long street is lined with gardens, separated by small hedges. The typical family neighborhood. Not a place where a werewolf would normally spend her days, and this is why it’s a good place to hide out. For now. You swallow, and glance at your phone once more to confirm the address.

34...36...38. This must be it. You hold your steps, and take in the place with wide eyes. The big house is a tan sort of color with black tiles, and two big windows in front. The triangle shape of the house gives it a modern sort of look, and though not your personal taste, you guess it looks pretty classy. The curtains are closed. You drum your fingers on your thigh nervously, before stepping into the garden. The soft grass tickles your bare feet. You’re lucky you didn’t meet anyone on the way here, because people would probably have called the police.

The path looks inviting, but still an uncomfortable squeeze settles in your stomach. Taeyong’s outhouse. Yuri doesn’t know of this place, you know this. There’s no way that he could be here, but the thought alone makes goosebumps appear on your shoulders. You slowly walk through the green garden, and arrive at the dark wooden door. With another glance behind you, you slide the backpack off your shoulder and stuff your hand in, easily pulling out the small key.

It slides into the lock smoothly, and the door slowly swings open before you can stop it. It’s the wind, but still it scares you. You peek inside carefully. The house is completely silent. You hurry inside and lock the door behind you, before tossing off the backpack and leaning against the wall. The coldness of the wall calms your tingling nerves. Only when it stays completely quiet does a sense of safety wash over you. You run your fingers through your short hair and pull it a little, swallowing. You’re not dreaming. You actually escaped. You’re out. Free.

The idea sends shivers down your spine and wetness to your eyes, though you don’t let it fall. You won’t cry right now, not when you’re so happy you might jump out of your skin. You pick out your phone and send Dongyoung a message, looking around. It’s been so long since you’ve felt this way, so long since you ran around without any chains around your feet, and you’re not sure how to feel. You want to jump, and dance, and run until you’re so exhausted that you crash in the soft, green grass.

This is impossible, at least until Yuri leaves town, but you don’t let that bring you down. As you lay down to relax into the couch and stare up at the ceiling, words leave your mouth. As if they’ve been locked up and crushed under Yuri’s claws for so long that you forgot about them, but are now spilling out without any holding back. “I’m sorry, Julie. I’m sorry, Angel. I’m so sorry about what happened. I’m sorry about everything I did, and everything I let happen. Please know I’m so, so sorry. I’ll make everything okay now, I promise that.”

Though a single tear makes it’s way down your temple, your heart fills with relief. Because after years, you’re finally you again.

Lily gently knocks on the wood, peering around the hall. An elderly couple pass her with a nod, which she returns. When they are gone, she presses her ear to the door, and sighs. Supernatural hearing would really be handy in a moment like this. She juts out her bottom lip in debate, before slowly pushing against the door. It’s not pushed into lock, so it opens with a little nudge. “Baekhyun?”

The room is clean, no sign of a person anywhere. The bed is still made, even though it does seem to have been slept on, but there’s no soul to be seen. Lily looks around in confusion. She could have sworn Maggie said that he was still here, but it’s been almost an hour without a word from him and so she thought she’d come check on him.

She quickly peeks around the corner, to walk into the bathroom. When she opens the second door, she almost jumps out of her tiny body. “Baekhyun!” The man is stood in front of the mirror, his eyes puffy and red as a cherry. Lily quickly rushes over to inspect him, though he protests. “What the hell are you doing in here, you egg?! You had us worried sick. We thought something might have happened to you.” When she puts her hand on his cheek and turns him to face her, she quiets down. His face is wet, cheeks littered with tear tracks that disappear into his shirt.

Baekhyun seems to pull himself together a little when he catches her eyes, but the wetness spilling out is indication enough. His hand are tight on the sink, almost white because of the pressure he’s putting on them. “She’s gone, Lil. She’s left. I’ve really lost her this time, I think. I don’t know if I can do it anymore.” He looks around the bright bathroom like it might hold an answer, before settling back on his friend’s smaller shape. “I don’t know.”

“Baekhyun.”

“She has someone else, she doesn’t want me!”

“Baekhyun.”

“Why should I keep running after her if she wants me to leave her alone? That’s harassment and you guys are not helping! You’re not helping! This is all your fault, of all of you!”

“Baekhyun!” she yelps, grabbing him by his wide shoulders harshly. “Listen to me! It’s going to be okay. It’s not your fault. It’s going to be okay. I promise, Baek. It’s really not your fault.” Baekhyun swallows, pausing his wild movements. He regards her for a split second, before pulling her close and into a tight hug, while Lily gently pats his head. He’s been through a lot. “It’s okay. Shh, shh, it’s gonna be okay.”

“I don’t know what to do, Lily. I feel like I’ve tried everything,” he blubbers into her shoulder, desperately holding onto her. Lily doesn’t want to imagine the pain he must be feeling being away from his mate like this again. Kyungsoo explained it when the entire situation was settling in, that being away from your mate over and over again can physically start hurting. She doesn’t know if Baekhyun is at that point yet, but he can’t be far off.

“We’ll find her again, Baekkie. I’ll do everything in my power to make sure that you two find each other, in the right way this time. It’s all going to be okay, I just know it. You’re mates for a reason.”

Baekhyun swallows the hardness in his throat, and pulls back, moving to sit on the toilet. He really looks exhausted. Lily’s never seen him like this. She’s seen him with sweat drenching his clothes from fevers and his eyes tired and heavy from days of job hunting, but never once like this. Tired out, not only physically, but mentally. Baekhyun pulls up his nose and grabs some toilet paper to clean off his face, while letting out a deep breath. “I know where she is.”

Lily turns right back around from where she was heading to the bedroom, he brown hair whipping around her face. “You what?” Her eyes are comically big, tiny form tensed. This is definitely a development she was not expecting. “You know where she is? How?”

Baekhyun gives her an almost guilty look, tossing the paper into the trash can. “I had a feeling she’d run again, so I placed a tracker on her backpack.” His eyes flit from the sink to the floor to the towels, but never his friend’s face. Probably because of the judgment he well knows will sit there, rightfully so. “I was never going to actually use it! It just made my anxiety calm down, knowing that I had a backup. I wasn’t actually going to use it.”

He points at his jacket that lays on the floor next to the door, and peeks out his tongue to wet his lips. “It’s connected to my phone, but I haven’t looked at it yet. I won’t look at it, I’m not that kind of person. You’re right, I know that. I know that I need to have patience but-”

“Bless your little soul, we both know you’ve never had any. This must really be driving you mad,” she giggles, coming over to him to clean his face properly with another paper wipe.

Baekhyun smiles a little. “You have no idea.” When Lily tosses the second paper into the trash beside his, he takes her hand, and looks at her closely. “Thank you, Lil. I know you’re all doing your best for me but I really, really appreciate it.”

“Don’t thank me. It was the maknaes who sent me here in the first place. We’re all doing it because we love you. Just be a little kinder on yourself, please.” Baekhyun’s never been one to follow advice, but this time, he’ll do his very best to try.

You swallow as you lean back in the couch, stuffing a croissant in your face. Your coffee is hot in your hand, and your gaze is on the moving shot of the television. The factory is on the news, which somehow sends little tingles of pride down your belly. Not because of the illegal activity, but at the fact that you really fucked Yuri over. It feels good to return the favor, for once. As you lean back even more, letting your shape sink into the fabric, a creak to your side makes you look over.

Dongyoung is look straight at the tv, his coffee clamped in his hand like it’ll slip out any moment if he doesn’t pay attention. His black hair is messy, but still looks good on him. You sigh, swallowing your food. “Are you really not going to speak to me?” you mumble, pointing vaguely in his direction. “After all I’ve been through, you think it’s okay to treat me like this? I was almost dead, you know.”

His jaw ticks just slightly, but he ignores you still, seemingly too focused on the news rapport. You look away, and pout. The curtains are still closed, but now the bright sun of outside reaches in enough to lift your spirit. “You’re really going to be mad at me all day now? Or have you decided to be mad at me for the rest of my life?”

Dongyoung groans, before he turns to you, putting his cup down too hard. Some of the coffee spills onto the table. “You know I’m going to be mad until you apologize.”

“Fine,” you mumble, defiantly lifting your eyebrow at your friend. “I’m sorry. Now will you please spill why the hell you’ve been sat here like there’s a stick up your ass?”

Dongyoung turns back to face the screen, lifting his hand to indicate you to be quiet for a second as the woman on the news talks about the fire. Her soft voice makes you look up. ‘The incident that started at around 3 am on wednesday seems to point in the direction of an accident. There’s not been a suspect identified, neither has there been a question of foul play. The experts say that the packing factory most likely suffered from faulty or old wiring. Luckily, no one was injured because of the fire.’

Dongyoung sighs deeply, but seems glad that the police didn’t find any evidence, and nods. You’re glad too. You’d rather not be in jail right now. “I’ve been sat here with a stick up my ass,” Dongyoung turns to you, his hands back on his coffee, “because you could have died, for one. You’re a stubborn asshole sometimes, and I don’t understand why you put yourself in situations like this.” You want to respond but he cuts you off before you can. “Second, I’m mad because your mate saw your face. You said you weren’t going to do about it, but he is, Aurie. Every time you see him, the bond strengthens and now you can’t just hide in plain sight.”

“So I’ll have to move,” you shrug, though it does send a little bit of pain through your heart, “whatever. I would have moved some time in the near future anyway because of business. The only difference is that now, I have someone else that I have to avoid. I don’t care, I’m just happy I’m out.” You down the last of your coffee and stand up from the couch, looking around the cabin-style house. Your friend follows your movements with his eyes. “This place is nice, how did he get it?”

Dongyoung nods. “Taeyong is renting it for now. He says he feels comfortable between all these people, surrounded by families. I don’t know if that means he sees them as snacks or not, but I’ve learned not to care.”

“Yeah,” you mumble, “that makes two.” Your hand brush over the oak drawers when you walk past.

“You do care though.”

Your hand hovers in mid-air for a second before continuing it’s path to the next piece of furniture. “I feel bad. That’s different. I stopped caring after the second one, because I knew Yuri wasn’t going to stop. But knowing that they were going to people to suck dry, didn’t really settle my stomach, no. They trusted me and I just let them go. I’ve…” a chuckle escapes your lips though there’s not humor in the situation, ”I’ve done some shit things.”

“That makes two.” He gets up from the soft pillows to walk over to you and take your hand, leading you back to the couch. “Stop running away from your problems and sit down with me.” You huff, wanting to dispute his words, but stop midway. Maybe you do have a tendency to run away from your problems, instead of facing them head on. It’s been like that as long as you remember though, so it feels natural now. Dongyoung sighs deeply, and pats your shoulder gently. “How did it start, anyway? I wasn’t here when you all started, I was still off trying to get my shit together. It was only Taeyong at first, right?”

You slowly bob your head up and down, staring at the seams of the couch. “It wasn’t too long after… after everything. We both had our ways of coping with the pain. When ignoring it didn’t work, Yuri tried something else,” your hands shake a little, so you fist them into the clean fabric of your sweater. Or, Dongyoung’s sweater. “He tried blaming me, he tried kicking and screaming until we both lost our voices. Nothing seemed to work, so he kept trying.

“He tried someone else for a while, but they also couldn’t fix what had broken in him, and so he tried another.” You know that there must still be pain lingering in your voice. If it was anyone else, you’d hide it deep down, but Dongyoung knows you. He knows all your secrets, and knows how you work, so it’s no use. “They never worked, so eventually he started hitting us to feel in control. Them first, never me. No, I was supposed to sit on the sidelines and watch, his precious Angel.”

In some ways, it felt relieving, talking about it with him without getting a response back. It made you feel like you were writing it down, more than just tossing it out there. “It’s only when I acted up that he’d hit me. It was like that became his excuse to kiss me afterwards, smoothing away the bruises. And then he had these two girls, that he didn’t want anymore, that would do everything for his affection. So he went to Taeyong, and sold them to him. I guess Taeyong smelled the chance of money, so they made a deal.”

“And you let him.” Dongyoung nods.

“I had no choice. It was them or me.”

“I call bullshit. He wouldn’t get rid of you, we both know that.” Dongyoung is right, and you know it. It feels so much harder though, admitting that you just did something shitty on purpose. Or, without caring about the consequences.

You swallow and look away, voice soft. “I’m not a bad person.”

Your friend’s red eyes focus in on you for a minute, before he slowly takes your hand. “I know that. You’ve just been through a lot of bad situations. More than people should have to go through.” He takes you in for a hug that you only half-return, brushing his hand over your head like you’re a small child, and maybe in some ways you still are. “I still have the letters in that closet over there, if you…”

“I don’t want to see them.” You mumble, pulling away. You brush your hands under your eyes just to be sure, and straighten out your clothes a bit. “I’m going to go set up my room. You should probably do that too.”

It’s only the next morning that trouble comes. You expected it to come, but maybe the same day. Now, at the dining table just after the sun rises not so much. Two harsh knocks come to the door, that send you and Dongyoung out of your chairs subsequently. You glance over at the black haired man, who motions you to go hide. You quickly clean the evidence of your breakfast, and run over to hide in the other room while the door is opened in the main room.

One set of feet walks through the door, your nerves spiking up high at the sound. It couldn’t be him, it shouldn’t be him. Your fingers dig into your thighs while you listen. If it really is Yuri, you would run. No matter the consequences, you’d run until your legs gave out and your hands stop punching. To your slight surprise though, a much softer voice sounds out. Taeyong.

“What did you do?” he sounds, voice tense. “Dongyoung, what did you do?”

Your friend just stays silent for a bit, before clearing his voice. “I didn’t do anything. I just woke up.”

Taeyong chuckles in disbelief as he walks around the other room. You carefully hide a little deeper into the closet you pressed yourself in. “Then why do I have about a million calls from that asshole?” You can hear Taeyong walk back around to where Dongyoung is standing, and grabbing him by the arm. “Move, come on. Yuri is not leaving until he sees your face. I don’t really care about what you did, but I don’t want any part of it.”

You want to come out to help, but if Taeyong saw you here, everything would be over for you. You and him might have known each other for long, but he wouldn’t be the person to get you out of a shit situation. You just hope Dongyoung can understand. They leave the house in silence, leaving you alone once again. You slowly sneak out of the closet and look around. This time though, the silence doesn’t feel comforting as it did yesterday. It feels like a clear indication that once more, Yuri has your life in his grasp. He knows your friends, knows where you go and knows how you function, maybe more than you do yourself.

Even after hours, Dongyoung doesn’t come back. You wish you could say you don’t care, but that’d be a lie. You want your friend safe, but the knowledge that you can’t do anything is driving you mad. You can’t go to see what’s up, you can’t call him, you can’t even ask for any kind of sign. You have to be non-existent. It’s madly frustrating. You’ve walked back and forth through the house multiple times now. Realistically, there’s nothing you can do, not if you don’t want to be found. Your belly keeps flipping though, and despite not knowing what it means, it doesn’t feel comfortable.

You stare out of the slight slit between the two curtains again, and sigh deeply. You just want to know if he’s okay, and if he’s coming back. So that if someone enters the house now, you know what to expect. You tap your nails nervously on the windowsill, before walking over to the door. Your hand feels cold on the handle, clenching around it. With another deep breath, you push the handle down and let the door reveal the outside world. You’d just look for a trail. For anything to indicate where they might have gone, and then you’ll go back inside.

You leave the door wide open, and walk out into the garden, on your socks this time. The beams of the sun on your nose feel so nice, that you let yourself linger in place for just another second. The neighbors here don’t know you anyway, and most of them would be at work on a friday afternoon. Nothing to worry about, you tell yourself. You know deep down that this is a bad idea, but maybe you’re too happy to be free to let that fear settle in.

You open your eyes again and walk to the sidewalk, bending over to stare at the floor. There’s no tracks, but you can smell the gasoline of the car they most likely left in. Would Yuri really go through all that trouble to get Dongyoung to answer him? You know that your friend wouldn’t spill anything about you, but Yuri has never trusted him. Maybe it makes sense to go to him as a first lead. You straighten up and let your hand run over the hedge in thought, the leaves brushing your palm. It tickles.

You take another deep breath, and turn to go back into the house. Only, you stop halfway like a deer caught in headlights. A young man, copper hair falling loosely over his big eyes, is staring straight at you. He’s frozen mid-step, guitar on his back and hands in his pockets as his eyes meet yours. When you open your lips to breathe in, a little sound falls out. Recognition slaps you across the face. The stranger from across the lake. He has the same pretty silver eyes.

You two stand frozen in place for at least seconds, before you can break out of your trance to rush over to the door. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Dongyoung was right, you are a stubborn idiot. You should have never come here, never have opened the door and now he’s seen you, again, and everything might as well come crashing down around you. A desperate voice stops you in place moments before you pull the door closed behind you.

“Wait!” he yelps, stepping a bit closer towards the yard, as if his feet are attached to the sidewalk with magnets. “Please, stop running from me. I’m really losing my mind. I don’t know what you’re running from, but let me help you. Please.” His begging sounds so pure, so sincere that you consider it. For that split second, you consider what it would be like to sit in his embrace and feel his comforting words wash over you like a shield that can block out the big, bad world. Another split second, and you feel annoyed. Annoyed at your mind for allowing you to indulge in something so stupid, annoyed at him for seeing right through you and annoyed at Dongyoung for pointing out so obviously that you always run.

You’re not a fucking coward, you don’t run from your problems. As this anger makes it’s way through your body, you turn around, staring him down across the sea of green grass and flowers that separate you two. You lift your brow. “I don’t need your help.” You even dare to take a step in his direction, feeling the sun tickle your cheeks and the wind ruffle your short hair. “I’m perfectly fine taking care of myself.”

Your answer seems to amuse him greatly, because a huge smile breaks out on his lips. It’s beautiful, and if you weren’t so damn stubborn you would probably break in his arms. He seems to think for a moment, before he answers. His lithe voice filling the silence of the neighborhood. “If you don’t need help, than why are you clinging to that door so desperately?” You blink, and frown at him a little. You don’t want to look back, but sure enough, your hand has yet to leave the door knob. Your ears get hot when he smiles even wider.

“What do you want?” you just respond, crossing your hands across your chest.

The man shakes his head a little, but keeps smiling. He’s enjoying this too much for his own good. “I just told you. I want to help you.”

“And I just told you I don’t need your help,” you snap, pressing your lips together. See, you think to yourself, I don’t run from my problems.

The man’s eyes widen a little, before he holds up his hands in surrender. “Okay,” he chuckles, the sound bright and soft, “how about this? I need yours.” Your frown slips off before you can help it, as he stares at you. His bright hair sways back and forth as the wind plays between you two, drifting away the tension like it was never there to begin with. When he speaks again, his voice is back to that earnest plead of the start. “Please, just let me talk to you.”

Your first instinct is to run behind the door and throw it into lock, so that nothing else can touch you. But you want to fight it this time, and keep your feet in place. It’s scary, terrifying really and still you’re standing here, and a flower of pride seems to grow in your heart. Maybe that’s why you slowly cock your head to beckon him closer, to cross the distance that keeps you apart. Or maybe you’ve lost your mind. One of the two. “One minute,” you point out, voice steady, “you get one minute to convince me why I should help you. Don’t get it wrong. I’m helping you, not the other way around.”

The man’s mouth corners twitch just slightly, before he nods. “Okay. I’m Baekhyun.”

You just uncross your hands from your chest, opening the door a little wider. “That’s three of your seconds wasted already, Baekhyun.”

Woooohhh, I hope you liked this chapter! It’s pretty fast paced but I’m really happy with it. I hope that things are starting to make a little more sense in this chapter and the next, because Aurie still has a lot of secrets in her little body. And finally, finally these two actually meet. Consciously.

If you enjoyed it, please send me a message! I really love hearing your thoughts about it or any questions you have so please don’t hesitate to send me any~~ Thank you for reading!

If you want to be (un)tagged from this series or any others, just shoot me a message. @sehunnies-hunnie96 @unicornsandpinguins @ninibears-erigom @very-important-army @caticorn61 @rissa-is-a-nerd @xius-exos @byunfirstlady @sehunsthetics

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shark-from-the-park · 5 years

Text

FIC: Come on and sit on my hot-seat of love (Part 1 of 2)

Because I got an ask in my inbox wanting chubby!Aziraphale fluff (from @littlemissanglerfish), but I can’t write fluff without a bit of smut. So instead I wrote an overlong, cracky, smutty fic about post-apocalypse Crowley struggling to get to grips with all the human sexuality that has rubbed off on him over the years, whilst also being inconveniently in love with the angel and no longer really having anything to take his mind off it. And Aziraphale being his chubby, sexy, delicious self. And ice cream.

NSFW, and smutty, so don’t read if you want to avoid that sort of thing.

Also: Not safe for Crowley’s dignity.

It was the hottest British August on record, and even for a part-time serpent, post-not-apocalyptic London was meltingly unbearable.

Dressed in his thinnest pair of black jeans and a dark grey cotton shirt with nary an accent scarf in sight, his immaculate quiff only deigning not to wilt due to a minor demonic miracle, Crowley sauntered into Aziraphale’s shop. He was about to make his presence known when he stopped in his tracks.

The angel was stood atop a wooden ladder adjacent to the uppermost shelf of one of his bookcases. He had a slim volume open in his hands and was apparently fully engrossed in reading it, in spite of his precarious perch.

Amused, Crowley decided not to announce himself. He didn’t want to give the angel a fright (well, alright, he sort of did, but he definitely didn’t want the angel falling down the ladder).

Only Aziraphale could forget himself and become engrossed in a book while standing at the top of a ladder in his own bookshop.

Even the angel had made some concessions to the heat, Crowley saw, he wasn’t wearing his usual jacket, and his shirt sleeves were rolled up to the elbow.

Crowley stared up at him from his unusual vantage point and couldn’t help but wonder to himself if Aziraphale’s backside had always been quite that big.

I mean, sure, he had known it was on the larger side. Aziraphale’s corporation had always been rather plump and padded, and Crowley’s eyes were often drawn to his slight paunch.

But perhaps because of him always seeing Aziraphale wearing a jacket which covered his posterior, or perhaps something to do with the angle he was at right now, Crowley had never realised quite how snugly the flesh filled the worn seat of Aziraphale’s trousers before. (Or, if he had realised it before, it was long enough ago for it to be news again.)

It was awfully distracting to realise it now, for reasons Crowley chose not to examine.

He had quite forgotten to miracle the door lock closed behind him, and a would be customer attempted to dart into the shop only to knock Crowley sprawling with the door. He reached out a hand to steady himself only to knock over Aziraphale��s blasted old-fashioned umbrella stand with a loud clatter.

Aziraphale, still on his perch, jumped, and Crowley wished he hadn’t been looking at him right at that moment because he saw as if in slow motion the jiggle of his fleshy buttocks in their fabric prison.

Mortified by his clumsy entrance, Crowley coughed and made the bag strap of the would-be customer snap, spilling the contents of her life all over the pavement and into the gutter outside, before miracling the book shop door firmly locked and the umbrella stand upright again.

Despite his best efforts, Crowley’s face was roughly the colour of cabernet sauvingnon by this point.

He cleared his throat loudly.

“I didn’t hear you come in, my dear.” Aziraphale greeted him absently, as though having a demon fall sprawling into his shop was an everyday occurrence. He re-shelved his book and began to climb down the ladder steps.

With each downward motion Aziraphale made, Crowley noticed helplessly how the fabric seat of his trousers pulled taut across each chunky buttock in turn.

He tore his gaze away and cleared his throat again.

“Hullo, angel.” He managed, sounding a little breathless despite him not actually needing to breathe.

Aziraphale smiled curiously at him once he reached the ground.

“It’s early.” He commented. "Is something the matter?“

Crowley had entirely forgotten, in the space of approximately 6 minutes, what reason (excuse) he’d had in mind for visiting the angel that day.

“It's… It’s a bit… warm…” Crowley explained, at length, cursing himself for being inarticulate.

Aziraphale just smiled beautifically again, insufferable being that he was.

“Yes, the hottest and driest British August on record I believe. I’ve been wondering if we have our young… Friend to thank for that.”

This had not occurred to Crowley, although it probably should have.

“What, Adam’s decided to melt everyone in the South East, has he?”

“Well my dear, he has been known to control the weather systems around Tadfield. Perhaps since the… Er… Since the… Not… The… incident, he may have been setting his gaze slightly further afield. I suppose that what seems a balmy summer temperature only becomes unbearable in the middle of the city. Adam’s never visited a city, as far as I’m aware. ”

This was a decent bit of reasoning on Aziraphale’s part, Crowley privately thought.

“Would you like to…” He began, and his heart, which was mostly for show, began beating, somewhat inconveniently, in the region of his throat. “Was wondering if you wanted to get some ice cream… There’s a new dessert place opened up a few blocks away…”

Crowley would never have deigned to await anything with baited breath, so the pause in his unnecessary breath now must have been a coincidence.

Needless, of course. Aziraphale’s face lit up immediately. There was none of the ‘Really my dear. It’s just gone 11 in the morning…’ token protesting Crowley might once have expected, either.

“Oh. Well. That sounds pleasant. Let me just get my jacket…”

“Angel. It’s 34 degrees in the shade. You don’t need your jacket.”

Aziraphale, whom Crowley knew still found being out in public without a jacket somewhat scandalous, seemed to weigh this up.

“Well… Do you think it would be proper?”

“For… For Ssss…. G- SSake, angel. Look at me, would you? I came in here only wearing one layer and I haven’t spontaneously combusted. Try waking up to the 21st century. We still have a lot of it to live through.”

“Do you really think that just a waistcoat and shirt will be appropriate, my dear?” Aziraphale gestured to himself slightly, and Crowley wished he wouldn’t. He noticed that the Angel had already forgone a bowtie and that his first few shirt buttons were undone, which was unheard of in and of itself.

“Honestly angel, just the shirt would be the most appropriate for the weather, but keep the waistcoat if it makes you feel better.” It looks good on you, he didn’t add.

“Well, it will feel strange going out in public so underdressed. But I suppose circumstances must…”

Crowley kept his head angled downwards, hands shoved deep into the pockets of his jeans, as he waited for the angel to potter about doing his closing up the shop routine, as though he were running a real business.

They walked the few blocks to the dessert place. They had been doing more of that – walking places - since the not-apocalypse and having all this tantalising free time suddenly spring up in front of them. The prospect of the future still seemed so new and fragile that too much scrutiny might make the bubble burst. They seemed to have reached a wordless agreement that keeping occupied and not talking about any of it was the best way to proceed.

Crowley had forgotten the name of the new ice cream parlour, so when Aziraphale delightedly exclaimed “Angel’s Delight?! How perfectly absurd…”, he almost choked on his tongue.

“Thought you might like that.” He shrugged non-committally after clearing his unnecessary airway, looking at the pavement so as to not look at either Aziraphale or the sign above the ice cream shop.

They went inside, and found the place heaving with Londoners, desperate to escape the heat in a pleasant manner.

Crowley subtly cleared a path through the crowd so that the angel could walk up to the counter and gaze in astonishment at the multitude of ice cream flavours on offer.

He lounged against the wall near the entrance, knowing that Aziraphale would want to look at every single flavour and consider it’s merits before making up his mind.

Two young people sat at the tiny table next to Crowley were nudging at each other.

“That should be illegal…” One young man with fantastic hair was saying to his companion.

“It’s too hot to be ogling anything right now… But you’re not wrong.” Said his friend, who was wearing a sleeveless t-shirt and a beanie hat at the same time, a look Crowley would not have attempted in even his most ostentatious dreams.

“Do you think he knows what that arse is capable off?”

“Not a chance.”

A feeling of utter dread wrapped around the deepest parts of Crowley’s charred and blackened soul. Against his better judgement, he followed the eyeline of the two young men.

Aziraphale was leaning forwards, talking excitedly to a girl behind the counter, gesturing around at the place in delight, utterly resplendent in that way he was when he made the effort to be charming.

In fairness to the two young men who’s eternal punishments Crowley was currently plotting with some glee, Aziraphale’s backside really was the star of the show. Although his thighs, those extra pudgy bits at the very top just before the crease where his buttocks began were pretty mesmerising as well. Something about the light colour of the trousers and the unapologetic snugness of them and the way they were worn so thin with age over the seat, just combined to make him draw the eye, and the stupid bastard had absolutely no idea how unfairly tempting he was being right now.

At that moment Aziraphale laughed at something the girl had said to him and rocked back slightly on his heels as he did so, changing his posture. The well-fitted waistcoat emphasised the narrowest part of his lower back before the swell of flesh padding his hips and legs and buttocks began.

Crowley’s toes curled painfully inside his exquisite snakeskin boots.

One of the doomed young men next to Crowley let out a wistful sigh.

“Do you think I could pull off a waistcoat?” Pondered the other.

“I’d like to pull off his waistcoat…” Joked the first, not noticing that the lanky man with the dark glasses stood next to their table was violently tearing a cardboard menu into a thousand pieces that scattered over the fashionable polished concrete floor. “And no, of course you couldn’t, you’re far too skinny.”

Crowley threw the last bits of menu over the floor in something of a panic. He hadn’t really intended to be making an effort at this precise moment, but over the millennia he had found that genitalia, like so many things about humanity, had, for want of a better phrase, rubbed off on him. Genitalia was, at this point, more of a conscious opt-out than an opt-in situation for him. Right now he could no more have opted out of his male parts than he could have swigged a thermos of holy water. Worse, he couldn’t remember ever making an effort quite so enthusiastically.

Get the angel, get the ice cream, and get out before anyone notices that you’re tenting your jeans, some internal self-preservation message was telling him on a loop.

Aziraphale was, of course, still talking to the shop girl, who was smiling at him as if he was the most adorable cat video she had ever seen, in spite of the queue of somewhat irate customers that was building up behind him.

“What would be better…” Said the young man with the beanie, “Bending him over and smacking that arse as you gave it to him. Or clawing at that arse as he gave it you…”

“Clawing. Definitely clawing -” The one with the hair suddenly noticed the long dark shadow looming over his table.

“He’sss mine.” Whatever terrifying and achingly cool thing that Crowley had been intending to say to these two young dickbags, it hadn’t been that. He tried again. “I mean… you should watch what you say about -”

“Wait, the guy with the arse is your fella?” The beanie looked impressed. “Nice one, mate.”

Crowley drew himself up to his full height and placed his palms threateningly on their table. “You two jerk-offs should probably think twice about being so unforgivably rude about other people’s… boyfriends…” Ok, so that last part wasn’t strictly true (yet, said the most optimistic part of Crowley quietly), but 6000 plus years of companionship gave you some rights and responsibilities, surely, and besides, sometime soon Crowley was intending to get up the nerve to try putting his arm around the angel, he was, really.

Fantastic hair, instead of trembling in his hipster boots, was giving Crowley a curious look up and down.

“Mate,” he whispered in astonishment, “Do you have a massive stiffy right now?”

…TBC…

#ineffable husbands #consenting bicycle repairmen #chubby aziraphale #embarrassed Crowley #@littlemissanglerfish

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uncloseted · 5 years

Note

Hey Christina!!!!!!!!!! Sorry I’m hyped. I was wondering if you could do a “50 things about yourself” idk if you’ve done it before but I’d like to know about you cause you’re so cool! 😎 and we love you

Hi! I haven’t done one before but I’m happy to. And of course, if there’s anything you guys want to know about me I’m an open book. This particular “50 Things” tag is old school Tumblr, so it’s sort of random, but hopefully something in there is interesting for you guys.

1. What takes up too much of your time?

Reddit. I’m an information junkie and most of the stuff on there has very little use in my life, but once in a while I come across a gem and it’s what keeps me scrolling.

2. What makes your day better?

Iced coffee. There’s a coffee shop near my house that I really like, and I also bought a bunch of the fancy flavored syrups so I can make it at home.

3. What’s the best thing that happened to you today?

I’ve been having a pretty chill day so far, but spending the day with my boyfriend has been really nice.

4. What fictional place would you like to go?

The Night Circus! It’s one of my secret ambitions in life to actually build it.

5. Are you good at giving advice?

I sure hope so, otherwise I’m running some of your lives 😂. But seriously, I do my best.1.

6. Do you have any mental illness?

Let’s say I know my way around a therapist’s office and leave it at that.

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?

Yes! I used to get a combination of sleep paralysis and exploding head syndrome semi-regularly, but that hasn’t happened in years.

8. What musician inspired you the most?

I don’t know about “inspired” but I think The Velvet Underground had a big hand in shaping who I am. Also Patti Smith, she’s great. I highly recommend her book “Just Kids” to all of you. There’s something about it that feels Skinsy even though on paper they’re nothing alike.

9. Have you ever fallen in love?

Absolutely. I’ve been with my boyfriend for four years now and I couldn’t be happier.

10. What’s your dream date?

I love driving to a new city and checking out what there is to do there. I think having a place that you share just with that one person is really romantic.

11. What do other people notice about you?

My hair, my clothes, or my “intimidating” face are the ones I hear the most often.

12. What is the annoying habit you have?

My boyfriend really hates it when I do “active listening” (where you nod or make noises to let people know you’re still paying attention to them).

13. Do you still talk to your first love?

No, but I hope they’re doing well.

14. How many ex’s do you have?

6ish would be my guess? I’d be interested to know if all of those people would say that I’m their ex, though.

15. How many songs are on your playlist?

I don’t really make playlists, so I guess none. I’m sorry that’s a super boring answer.

16. What instruments can you play?

Piano and bass guitar pretty well and tuba badly (and I can’t actually carry the instrument anymore). I could play the flute when I was younger but I imagine I can’t anymore.

17. Who do you have the most pictures of?

My boyfriend, I think. I have a Polaroid camera and I like taking pictures of him when he’s not paying attention.

18. Where would you like to go before you die?

Argentina, Scandinavia, Japan, South Korea, Hong Kong, Russia, Vietnam, South Africa, Morocco, Australia, Antarctica, and the moon.

19. What is your zodiac?

Libra! My birthday is coming up on the 17th.

20. Do you relate to it?

I do! And I feel sort of badly about that because I know that zodiac is just the Barnum Effect in action, but the Libra desire for balance, idealism, and love of aesthetics is me.

21. What is happiness to you?

Being free of expectations from myself and other people.

22. Are you going through anything right now?

In my experience, adulthood is just going through different things for the rest of your life, so yes. Pretty much always. But right now I’m looking for a new job and that’s been a lot.

23. What is the worst decision you’ve ever made?

How much time do you have? I did a lot of things in my teenage years that I’m not particularly proud of.

24. What is your favourite store?

I love really giant department stores like Harrod’s, or covered markets with tons of different random stalls. I like the idea that you don’t know what you’re going to find. I also love antique stores for the same reason.

25. What is your opinion on abortion?

It should be available and accessible to anyone who wants or needs it. But so should birth control. And I think it’s important that people understand all of their options before making a decision and are given mental health support if they need it as well.

26. Do you have a bucket list?

Not really. I had basically one thing that I’d always wanted to accomplish and that happened way earlier than I expected, so now I’m trying to figure out what my next thing will be.

27. Do you have a favourite album at the moment?

Blue Scholar’s Cinematropolis or Belle & Sebastian’s Dear Catastrophe Waitress. And Velvet Underground’s Loaded, always.

28. What do you want for your birthday?

I’m hoping my boyfriend and I will go away for the weekend. Fingers crossed that our schedules work out!

29. What are most people’s first impression of you?

I think people find me to be intimidating (when they’re being generous) or mean (when they’re not). Like I said before, I have a bit of a bitchy face and so I have to make a conscious effort to smile at people.

30. What age do you seem according to most people?

I’m not sure. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m just sort of “in my 20s” and people don’t care what the exact number is. But in general, I think people assume I am however old they are, so anywhere from like 18-30.

31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping?

Right next to my bed, which you shouldn’t do. But I read on my phone before I go to sleep and I use it as an alarm clock, so it ends up on my bedside table.

32. What word do you say the most?

It’s probably “but”. I spend a lot of time considering all the possibilities in a given situation so I spend a lot of time being like, “but what about this? But what if that? Things could be this way, but on the other hand they’re like that”. I don’t think I really have a catchphrase, though.

33. What’s the oldest age you would date?

Thirty, probably? I feel like anyone older than that is probably in a different stage of their life than I am.

34. What’s the youngest age you would date?

Twenty three or so? They would have to be out of college.

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you?

Other than the job I do now, I get a lot of people saying that I should be an art curator or a museum curator. And I get people telling me I should be a therapist, obviously.

36. What’s your favourite music genre?

Like most people I like your general pop/rock situation. I really like baroque pop, which is pop music but that includes orchestral instruments. And then I also love electroswing, I think it’s such a fun blend of genres.

37. If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be?

Either the Netherlands or Denmark. But I would also like to spend some time in France and more time in Italy, where I did study abroad. I also really love the UK, but given the current political situation I’m not sure I’ll be moving there any time soon, especially since I’d need a visa.

38. What is your current favourite song?

I don’t know if I really have one. I do enjoy when I hear Billie Eilish’s “Bad Guy” on the radio, though, does that count?

39. How long have you had this blog for?

Since October, 2013! I’m coming up on my six year anniversary. I think I have something like 30,000 posts.

40. What are you excited for?

The future! I think no matter how the present seems, the future is always an exciting prospect.

41. Are you a better talker or listener?

I think this might surprise some people, but I think I’m a better talker than listener.

42. What is the last productive thing you did?

The last really productive thing I did was to film a pitch video for a project I’m working on, but the most recent is doing some work for this blog.

43. What do you want for Christmas?

The impeachment of Donald Trump? Can Santa do that? I would also take “people taking climate crisis seriously”.

44. What class do you get the best grades in?

In high school, philosophy/religion and psychology. At university I did very well in “Iconic Figures of Popular Music: Simon and Garfunkel”.

45. On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling?

Around a 7. I need to get dressed and leave the house, but I don’t have anywhere in particular I need to be so I’ve been putting it off.

46. What can you see yourself doing in 10 years?

I’d like to be living in a different country than the one I do now with my boyfriend. I’d like to be self employed or remotely employed, so that I have flexibility in when and where I do work. I want to be doing something where I’m bettering other people’s lives or the world at large. But mostly what I’d like to be doing is traveling and learning. But really my priority is that by that time, I want to be content with myself. I think what you’re doing and where you’re doing it is so much less important than how you feel while doing it, and in 10 years I hope I can say that I’m living a happy and worthwhile life, whatever that ends up being.

47. When did you get your first heart broken?

I think I was 14. What I’ll say about it is this- in the moment it mattered so, so much to me. My parents were the first person that each other dated and I assumed that was how all relationships worked, so when that wasn’t how this one worked out, I was devastated. But now I barely remember that person, and I live with someone else who’s completely different and totally awesome and I couldn’t be happier. I know it sounds like a lie but with time and perspective all wounds can heal.

48. At what age do you want to get married?

I didn’t think I wanted to get married at all. I don’t like the idea of having a big wedding where you’re the center of attention and everyone is starting at you. But in the long run being legally married is practical, so my boyfriend and I will probably do it at some point when we feel like it makes logistic sense.

49. What career did you want to have as a child?

I wanted to be an Imagineer at Disney. They’re the people who design the theme parks. I also wanted to be the president of the moon.

50. What do you crave right now?

Excitement! Nothing is going on in my day right now and I’m starting to get bored. I have a very low tolerance for boredom so days like this really get to me.

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shipmistress9 · 5 years

Text

FTLOAP - 40: If I'm Not Made For You Then Why Does My Heart Tell Me That I Am?

Fandom: HTTYD

Theme: Hiccstrid - Medieval-style AU - Romance - Angst/Hurt/Comfort

Summary: Reduced to little more than a stable boy, Hiccup, despite his noble birth, has few prospects for more in life. But when he meets a girl who came to look at the horses, being a stable boy might not be enough anymore. Together, they have tough choices to make and great risks to navigate if they want to survive and be together.

Rating: Explicit

FF-net - AO3 -

Discord-server for discussions and questions

Part 1: Prologue; Chapter 1; Chapter 2; Chapter 3; Chapter 4; Chapter 5; Chapter 6; Chapter 7; Chapter 8; Chapter 9; Chapter 10; Chapter 11;

Part 2: Chapter 12; Chapter 13; Chapter 14; Interlude 1; Chapter 15; Chapter 16; Chapter 17; Chapter 18; Chapter 19; Chapter 20; Chapter 21; Chapter 22; Chapter 23; Chapter 24; Chapter 25; Chapter 26; Interlude 2; Chapter 27: Chapter 28 ; Chapter 29 ; Chapter 30; Chapter 31; Chapter 32; Interlude 3; Bonus 1; Chapter 33

Part 3: Chapter 34; Chapter 35; Chapter 36; Interlude 4; Chapter 37; Chapter 38; Chapter 39

Alpha/Co-author: @athingofvikings

. – * – _ . o O o . _ – * – .

AN: This chapter... I'm incredibly curious about the reactions! It contains more scenes that have been planned for nearly a year, some were even already written out since November! And... well, I hope that I'm able to get across what's important for me in this chapter. I'll see...

Also, in November, I posted a small spoiler on Tumblr. I was asked to put a warning for when that spoiler would come into play, so that's what I'm going to do now. THIS is the chapter where that spoiler line comes up.

This week's title comes from the song If You're Not The One by Daniel Bedingfield. Ever since this song first came out, it's been one of my all-time-favourites. But it actually took me a while to discover how well it fits this story, especially at this point. I admit that, in the end, it even inspired an additional scene near the end of this chapter. You'll see what I mean.

. o O o .

“Eret? Do you want to marry me?”

After she’d realised what Snotlout was doing, Astrid had wondered about that insanity for a couple of days now. His behaviour had become more obvious – and more obnoxious – with every time they met, and by now, it was impossible for her to pretend it wasn't happening.

He was flirting with her. There really was no other way to describe it, and even though she'd always thought fondly of him, she now couldn't help but cringe whenever she saw him. A part of her wondered how other women before her had endured and even enjoyed his attention – but she also recognised how different his behaviour toward her was from how he'd acted toward others. He was so sure, overconfident even. He obviously knew about the King's wish of her marrying one of the ducal heirs and seemed to think that advertising himself like this would make her choose him.

But did he really want to marry her? She still couldn't believe it, couldn't even think about it without dismay. How could one of her brothers want to marry her? No matter how long she thought about it, it made no sense, and eventually she acknowledged that thinking on her own wouldn’t get her anywhere.

Meeting Eret had been pure chance but a welcome distraction. It was early in the morning, hours before today's tournament would begin, and she'd wanted to enjoy at least a small sense of freedom by taking a walk over the castle's grounds. Now, they sat near Lake Vola, with Tuff acting as chaperone from a distance, and enjoyed both the peace and the comfort. But she didn’t want to waste such an opportunity.

At her question, Eret, who was lying on a sunny but likely not-entirely-dry patch of grass next to the low stone wall where she sat, cracked one eye open and tilted his head to throw her a funny look. After a moment, he returned to his former relaxed position though, eyes closed and head resting on his arms behind his head. “You know, Swanja… In your current position, you should be careful with a question like this,” he said, sounding utterly unperturbed. “One might think you just proposed to me.”

Astrid rolled her eyes and made a half-annoyed and half-amused noise. Eret would know better, after all. “Don’t be daft. You know what I mean.”

Sighing, he turned his head to look at her in earnest. “Yes, I know what you mean. But the answer is not as easy as the question.”

Astrid wanted to snort. She'd fully expected Eret would laugh and answer with a resolute ‘No!’. He had to be joking, right? Because it was insane and impossible and… and…

Except that he didn’t look as if he was joking.

He seemed to notice her bafflement, because he sighed once more and made himself comfortable again before he gave her an explanation. “I see that’s not the answer you’ve expected,” he began, strangely quiet. “And I’ll admit I didn’t expect to have this kind of talk today. But it’s better than not talking about it, I guess…” He paused, gazing into the light blue sky overhead as if it was the most interesting piece of art he’d ever seen. “I’m not in love with you, if that’s what you meant,” he eventually went on. “That hasn’t changed.”

Astrid nodded, even though he couldn’t see her. They’d already been through that three years ago, after all. After Thuggory’s constant teasing over the span of one summer about how close they were and what a cute couple they would make, they’d almost believed it themselves. What followed had been a few awkward days of blushing, of averting eyes and stiff conversations – until they’d decided to put their feelings to the test. They’d kissed, the whole program with gazing into each other’s eyes and cradled faces, with lips and tongues. And then, they had decided that was definitely not what was between them.

Thinking back, the thought made her smirk inwardly. Kissing Eret had felt weird, unnatural. Not really unpleasant, if she was honest; just… not right. And now, comparing that kiss back then with how it had felt to kiss–

Stop right there!

“So, you don’t want to marry me?” she asked, mainly to force her thoughts into another direction. She couldn’t think about that, not now. Not ever again.

“I… didn’t say that,” Eret muttered, still refusing to look at her.

He wasn’t making any sense. “What do you want then?” The question came out more aggressive than intended, but Astrid wasn’t in the mood for beating around the bush, not now, not after everything. She was tired, having cried for almost the entire night again, tired of the games, tired of the verbal dancing and indirect responses. By Thor, she was going to get a straight answer out of someone, even if she had to shake it out of them!

“What I want...” Eret scoffed. “Since when does it matter what anyone of us wants?” He sighed again, shaking his head, and Astrid knew all too well how he felt… “If it were about doing what we want, Dagur and I would just… leave. We’d go, and start a simple life somewhere far away.” Now, Eret threw her a wary glance, as if to see how she would react. But even though the words surprised her, Astrid was beyond showing any reactions, especially not emotionally, and after a minute of silence, Eret continued in a softer tone.

“We’ve even talked it through, you know? What we’d do if we had the options… We’d go somewhere remote where people wouldn’t know who we are. We’d approach the local lord, get a land tenancy, settle down. Build a paddock for a couple of horses and a garden, maybe an orchard. I’d earn us some money by breeding and breaking in horses for the locals, and Dagur would distil his own alcohol from the fruits in our garden.” He chuckled weakly. “It would be a simple life, without much luxury to speak of. Calm.”

Astrid swallowed. “That sounds beautiful,” she whispered. Eret's words reminded her of other plans, other ‘what if's’…

Quickly, she again shook those thoughts off and concentrated on Eret and his words again. On how they puzzled her. She’d always thought Eret and Dagur wouldn’t mind becoming the next Grand Dukes.

“Right?” Eret agreed, but then shook his head. “But it’s nothing but idle dreams. We can’t just drop our responsibilities and leave our homelands in such a chaos. We wouldn’t want to do that. Lavo would become Head of House Jag’r, and while he’s a good man, he’s certainly not a good leader. And House Berserker… If Dagur doesn’t inherit his father’s title, Hel herself will show up down in Southshore to collect the bodies.”

Again, Astrid nodded; the precarious situation with the two Grand Dukedoms was well-known to her, after all.

Eret let out a deep breath. “But that’s not what you wanted to hear right?” He slightly shook his head, lips twisted into a grimace. “The thing is… we eventually have to marry one day. If we stayed bachelors forever, we could simply continue like now, spending time together every now and then. But for the sake of sustaining a line of heritage, we can’t inherit if we refuse to ever marry. And once we’re married…” He shrugged, and Astrid remembered the words she’d heard some nights before.

Marriage is a sacred vow, and one does not break it. I won’t turn you into an adulteress.

Astrid felt as if she couldn’t breathe, the memories like a crushing ring around her chest. But luckily, Eret didn’t seem to notice.

“You asked whether I’d even want to marry you,” he went on, suddenly sounding eerily solemn. “And the honest answer would have to be yes. Yes, I’d like to marry you. Not because I love you, and I’m sorry about that. But marrying for love has never been a real option for us, so I’d opt for the second-best choice – marrying my best friend.” He turned to give her a brief smile, but then continued to stare into the distance. “You’re my best option for a good future. I mean… I know that I won’t be the best of husbands. But unlike any other wife Father could pick for me, you at least already know that. You know that I won’t be your ardent lover. You wouldn’t be disappointed or angry. Or at least I hope you wouldn’t be.” He swallowed, and when he continued to speak, finally looking at her after all, he sounded incredibly vulnerable.

“If you were to choose me, Swanja, then I can promise you that I’d be a good and loyal partner to you. We’d live a happy life together. I won’t be your lover, but I'd be your partner, your friend. I’d do my best to hopefully be a good father to our children, and I’m certain I’d treat you better than most of your other suitors. And... and the same goes for Dagur, if you were to choose him.”

It seemed like Eret was waiting for a reaction, but Astrid was unable to speak, stunned. He was serious!

Eventually, he exhaled a deep breath, and pushed himself up on his legs. With his back turned toward her, he said, “I do love you, Swanja, just not like that. And I want you to be happy. If… if you have someone else in mind, someone you want to choose for yourself... then by all means, please do so. Neither Dagur nor I want you to be miserable for our sake. We will all go our way, one way or the other. But know that we are an option, and hopefully not the worst there is. I’d be happy and proud to bring you back to Eastervale as my wife, and I dare say that living at our stud farm would suit you.”

And with these words, he left her.

For she couldn’t say how long, Astrid sat on that low wall, eyes unseeingly cast over the lake's calm surface, as tears ran down her cheeks in never-ending streams. Gods, she was such an idiot, had only thought of her own problems.

But Eret was right… For all her life, she’d been prepared for a loveless political marriage. And yes, if she couldn’t marry the man she loved…

...then her best friend would certainly be a good second choice.

. o O o .

For once, she didn't need to ponder endlessly. In fact, it was more as if she’d known what to do for a long while already without being able to see it. But when she reached the fighting ground a couple of hours later and saw him hustling about among the other squires and, as always, not even once glancing in her direction… it all became crystal clear. He wasn't an option anymore – and maybe never had been. She would have to pick another path, one that, hopefully, would be bearable.

She paused in her steps, pondering for one last moment, and then gestured Tuff to follow her. Instead of directly going toward her usual seat under the pavilion, she headed for the large tent where the men were getting ready for their fights. Many eyes turned toward her when she entered, confusion and anticipation in most of them, and the tent fell completely silent.

"Sir Eret?" she called out as firmly and clearly as she could manage. "May I asked you to keep me company today?"

Eret met her eyes with an unreadable look, but nodded after a seemingly endless heartbeat. “Of course, your Highness.” He took off his heavy gloves and handed them, his helmet, and his sword to his squier before following her. And not even now, he would look at her.

Astrid’s lips twitched, but she quickly turned away, and, with Eret at her side, made her way toward her pavilion.

At first, they sat in heavy silence, but eventually, Eret audibly cleared his throat. “Are you sure about this, Swanja?” he asked in a subdued voice.

He didn’t need to elaborate; the meaning of his words was clear enough to her. Her inviting one or more of her suitors to sit with her during the tournament when they weren’t fighting was something she was allowed to do. Without a doubt, it was considered an honour, but the fact that she had never bestowed it on anyone before made her singling out Eret now even more noticeable. She could practically feel the countless eyes on them, could hear the hushed whispers all around the arena. But she didn’t care for any gossip her action might start. She’d never cared about the rumours they’d caused by acting like a couple. At least this time the rumours would be true.

She swallowed, and, unable to meet Eret’s eyes, instead gazed down at her hands in her lap. “You were right,” she whispered. “Marrying for love has never been a real option for either of us. So I’m going to pick the option with the best prospect of happiness and follow the path everyone apparently wants me to take anyway.” Now, she looked up after all and threw him a tentative smile. At least, she wouldn’t have to pretend with Eret. They weren’t in love and never would be. But they would give each other comfort and that had to be enough.

He returned her smile and, as if to prove her thoughts right, reached for her gloved hand and squeezed it. It made her smile turn a shade brighter. Yes, they didn’t love each other. But friendship was a good basis for marriage too, right?.

They watched the first rounds of the melee without saying anything more. Five times, ten men entered the arena and fought until nine had either been knocked prone, unconscious, or had a wound sufficient to spatter the grass with blood. Snot’s turn was in the second round, and he won without any difficulties, sending his opponents sprawling or bashing their faces in so that their noses bled freely onto the grass. There was something to his boasting after all, Astrid reminded herself as he blew her a kiss across the arena before he left it. Growing up in Westhill had turned him into a better fighter than most.

Then it was Eret’s and Dagur’s turn to fight, and it wasn’t until she saw the other eight fighters all ganging up on them that she realised what her open act of favouring Eret had done. Now he had a target on his back, and more than once she gasped or froze when one fighter launched at him. People died in these tournaments! What if someone managed to injure, maybe even kill him, just to get him out of the way? It would be her fault, and hers alone.

She watched the fight with more attention than she had before – and also with a fair bit of anxiety. But her worries were unfounded... for now at least. With Dagur and Eret fighting back to back, the other men had no chance and when it was only the two of them left, they shared a look, a handshake, and then Dagur went to his knee, placing his weapon to Eret’s feet.

The sight made her throat tighten even further. To everyone else watching, it would look like Dagur forfeiting to the Princess’s favourite, probably in hopes of gaining her good will for the future. But Astrid knew it was more than that. So much more… It wasn’t just Dagur giving the victory of this melee to his friend. It was him freely giving up his lover, giving in to the inevitable without struggling and without hard feelings. He knew that he’d lost, and what he’d lost, on the altar of the Kingdom’s Hel-spawned politics. If Astrid would have had any tears left, she’d have cried.

When Eret returned to her after being cleaned up and his armour having been removed, he seemed weaker and more beaten than the fight alone would explain. This time, it was she who placed her hand on his lower arm, in an attempt to comfort him but also to apologise. “I’m sorry,” she mumbled weakly.

She was relieved when Eret placed his hand over hers and asked, “For what?”

“For everything. For making you a target and… and for…” She didn’t dare to phrase the rest, to mention Dagur. Her pavilion offered a certain amount of privacy so that she didn’t expect anyone to overhear their low conversation, but that wasn’t the point anyway. She didn’t want to hurt Eret further.

He hissed out a low and unamused laugh, almost a pained groan, but gave her a reassuring smile nonetheless. “Don’t worry,” he replied. “We always knew it couldn’t last. And as for the target… You don’t need to worry about that either. It’s not that much different than before. They always knew me, Dag, and Snot where your most likely choices, so not that much changed now. Besides, as much as they want to see me defeated… well, let’s just say that my status still offers a certain amount of protection. They wouldn’t dare to attack one of us for real, simply out of fear of repercussions.”

Astrid nodded, but only felt slightly eased by his words. There had been too many accidents already. “I hope you’re right,” she sighed. “And… and I hope this wasn’t the wrong decision – for both our sakes.”

He squeezed her hand once more and scooted a little closer to her. It was weird in a way how easy it was to just continue their usual comfortable closeness under these strangest of circumstances. But then, that was part of why she’d made this decision. She knew Eret, knew that they got along. There’d never been any real shyness or awkwardness between them, and she was relieved that that hadn’t changed.

“We’ll see,” he eventually replied. “But at least we know that Daniel will be pleased.”

There was a certain bitterness in Eret’s voice at these words, one that made her frown in confusion. “What makes you think that?” So far, she hadn’t spent much time thinking about Daniel, not beyond the burning pain she felt over his betrayal.

Eret snorted, and made a vague waving gesture between the two of them. “Well, this is what he wanted, what he’d planned for all along.”

“He… what?”

Now, Eret grimaced, but also noticeably put in an effort to stay calm as he explained. “Oh, he didn’t tell me anything, in case you were wondering,” he scoffed with the same bitter tone as before. “But after that announcement on your birthday and realising that he knew about all this… it started to make sense, you know? A while ago, he became strangely gloomy from one day to the other, and there were so many things he said before he left, things that made me wonder what was on his mind. It all started a few days after Dagur’s accolade. The day we first went to meet Cami, remember?”

Astrid sucked in a breath at those words, but instantly shut her mind down. No, no, no. She didn’t want to remember that day, couldn’t bear it. The first night they’d talk more openly, the first time he’d touched her…

Her hands were trembling, but if Eret noticed, he didn’t react. He just went on with his explanation, suppressed anger tinting his voice, and she was grateful for the distraction.

“Daniel was supposed to come with us, but was forced to cancel his appointment when he received a note. I don’t know what it was about, but it was then when he changed. Late that night, we met him in the corridors. He wouldn’t tell us what bothered him, only that we would learn about it soon enough, that it was better if we didn’t know right away… and that he ‘very much counts on my loyalty for all this to end well’. I didn’t know what he meant back then, but now… And there were other comments, too. Like how he asked me to keep an eye on you until he comes back from Westhill. Or how he blatantly asked us whether we could imagine getting married anytime soon when we all went to the tavern that last night.” He swallowed thickly. “All those small things came back to me lately, but they only started to make sense when… when I talked to Hiccup the other day. Apparently, Daniel told him that he was hoping for us to marry. That we would be good for each other.”

At the mention of his name, Astrid’s mind turned numb out of sheer reflex, but there was still a small functioning part that registered what Eret was telling her. That Daniel apparently hadn’t been happy about this plan and that he’d hoped for her to find comfort and solace with Eret, her best friend. A sob tore itself from her body, making her shiver and tremble, and this time, Eret noticed. His hand around hers tightened, offering her comfort from amidst his own pain and sending a wave of gratitude through her hurting soul.

They didn’t speak much more until the tournament was over, but the companionable silence was proof enough to her. Living with Eret would be effortless. It would be good. Not what either of them truly wanted but better than the alternatives

Daniel had been right, she realised with a grimace. She and Eret were good for each other, the best option they had to ever live a somewhat happy life. Even with how betrayed she felt, she still couldn’t shake off a budding sense of gratefulness that her brother had at least planned this far. And he couldn’t have known better, after all. Daniel didn’t know about the feelings Eret and Dagur had for each other, didn’t know about her and… and… him. He didn’t know how much pain this solution brought to so many people he cared about. But he was right in that it still was the best solution they had.

When the tournament was over, she accompanied Eret back to the tent. She’d meant to directly move on to her own rooms, to get ready for tonight’s dinner. She expected it to be an awkward meal, with the older man congratulating them and the younger all suffering. Idly, she wondered how Snot would behave now, but quickly decided that she didn’t care.

Especially not when someone else stepped into their path all of a sudden.

Nervously biting her lip, she met Dagur’s gaze, expecting to see hurt and pain or maybe anger in his eyes. He, too, had been hurt by this development after all. But he, who always wore his heart on his sleeve, now wouldn’t let his feelings show. He made a hesitant step toward her, even had a small smile on his face, and pulled her into one of his usual bear hugs once Eret had let go of her arm.

Overwhelmed, she clutched at his back, and couldn’t keep herself from sobbing into his tunic. “I’m sorry,” she whimpered against his shoulder. “So, so, sorr–”

“Shh, shh, it’s all right, little sis,” he interrupted her in an equally low voice. “I wasn’t expecting anything else. And I won’t embarrass either of us by asking you to make him happy, but… But I’m asking you to both be happy, okay? As happy as you can be.”

She sobbed again and for a heartbeat clung even tighter to him before they let go of each other. She took a step away when Dagur turned to Eret next, giving them a bit of privacy, when she noticed another figure standing a few steps behind Dagur.

He didn’t say anything, didn’t move. He only looked at her with those incredibly green eyes of his, really looked at her for the first time in days. It made her freeze, with only a fleeting thought about how Dagur and Eret hopefully would be too occupied with each other to pay them any attention. She held his gaze and tried to convey what she felt. Not her pain, but an apology. The apology for, finally and ultimately, betraying their bond and turning down every plan they might have had. She expected to receive some form of pained accusation in return, but none of that happened.

Instead, he just stood there, a weak smile around his lips that wouldn’t reach his eyes, and nodded.

. o O o .

That night, Astrid stayed awake for a long time, but in opposition to past nights, she didn’t cry. She felt too empty for that. Her eyes were fixed on the wooden figurine in her hands, the one that resembled Markor and that he had given her.

“It’s not much, I suppose. But it’s something… personal? Something to remember me by when I can’t be here with you anymore.”

His words rang clear and true through her mind, but for once the pain didn’t hit her as hard as she’d expected. ‘...when I can’t be here with you anymore...’ He’d only meant the months of separation, but now, it felt so much more relevant. Without her help, her hand wandered to her chest, the other caressing over the smooth wood. No matter how much she wished it would be otherwise, she could still feel his warmth in her chest; even though the blazing inferno had simmered down like a glowing coal. A reminder of the former fire that would never extinguish.

“I will always love you, Hiccup,” she whispered into the darkness of the night. It was a last confession before she stowed the wooden figurine away into her treasure coffer. “Goodbye, my love.”

Then she went to bed, determined to move on. From now on, she wouldn’t let herself be in pain all the time anymore. Her mind and soul were so frail and thin by now; more pain would eventually break her apart. So she clung to the only solace left to her. She would be Eret’s bride now, and… and it was good that way. The only path she could take.

She closed her eyes, willing herself to sleep – even as the small part deep inside her was still screaming. And she couldn’t make it stop.

. o O o .

Hiccup hadn’t expected for the pain to be this unrelenting. He’d expected that it would take time, time before he could even consider getting over her. He had expected that seeing her at Eret’s side, her arm wound through his and their obvious closeness, wouldn’t exactly help either. But the reality was so much worse. No matter how many days had passed or how often he’d seen them together since her open preference during that tournament, it was still like sharp pokes to an open wound. Over and over he told himself that it was good, that it was better this way, the best he could hope for for her. And it was! He knew that it was the truth. In Eret’s presence, she was less tense, at least a little more at ease.

But it hurt!

Because he remembered the time, not too long ago, when all he’d wanted was to be the one to make her happy one day, and the constant reminder of how that would never happen felt like getting stabbed over and over and over again.

Every time he felt her presence or spotted her amidst the crowd, all he wanted was to tear out his heart in the hopes that it would make the pain go away. There was a voice in his head that was constantly screaming at him, “Wrong, wrong, wrong. This is wrong, all of it!”, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t smother it. It was tearing him apart.

The worst were the nights. When he was laid out on the couch in Eret’s rooms, so close to where she was, under the same roof and on the same floor even, and yet unable to ever be with her again, he felt the full weight of their loss. It pressed down on his chest like someone sitting there and keeping him from breathing. More than once, he’d caught himself idly playing with her key, which he still wore around his neck on a simple leather cord. He’d thought about taking it off multiple times already but he’d never found the strength to actually do so. He knew that he should, that holding on to it was only his weakness of not being able to fully let her go. It was him clinging to some elusive hope that only kept cutting and hurting him over and over again. Occasionally, he even caught himself getting up, a half-baked plan to sneak through the corridors and into her rooms in his sleepy mind. If only he could see her, talk to her, hold her one more time. Odin, he would do everything if only it meant they would get another chance.

But there was nothing for him to do.

All he could do was watching her attend one event after the other, with Eret always at her side, and remind himself that this was the only way for her to be happy.

. o O o .

“Ah, good evening, Sir Eret,” Fyrir Mala greeted them as they entered Freya’s Temple a few days later. “Sir Dagur, Lord Hiccup. Welcome. You can go right through to Cami’s rooms; she’s already waiting for you.” She nodded at them all with a friendly smile which they all returned dutifully – even as neither of them truly felt like smiling.

More than anything else, Hiccup felt weird to be here again, even though he probably should have seen it coming. Eret’s and Dagur’s days were numbered, so it wasn't really a surprise that they'd wanted to ‘visit Cami’ as long as they could. And of course, they’d invited him to come along too, just like they’d always done. They didn’t know about his own pain after all.

But right now he dreaded the thought of Cami and interacting with her, of the conversations that would inevitably come up. Of how unexpected it was that they were all still here after all, of the latest developments in Eret's life… and her usual questions after his lady love once Eret and Dagur retreated. Because he didn't feel strong enough to lie, to make up some tale about how they enjoyed the reprieve, no, certainly not. Instead, he felt brittle, as if he'd break apart and crumble at even the slightest nudge. He’d even welcome that over the constant pain.

But of course, he wouldn’t simply fall apart and stop existing. There was no way to escape the inevitable.

“Oh, dear Freya!” Cami exclaimed as soon as they entered her rooms and the door closed behind them. She threw herself around Eret’s and Dagur’s necks, pulling them into a tight hug. “I’ve heard what happened, of course I have. And… I know everyone else would deem congratulations in order–” she pulled Eret a little tighter “–but I’m so sorry! For both of you. How are you feeling?”

Carefully but firmly, Dagur and Eret pried themselves out of her arms. They looked miserable and Hiccup was once more reminded of how he wasn’t the only one in pain. As much as he might want to hate Eret for having everything Hiccup wanted – he just couldn’t. Eret was as much a victim of this entire scheme as he and she were, and he was suffering from it too.

“What do you think how we feel?” Dagur asked, noticeably missing his usual joyfulness. “Even with always knowing that it would eventually come to this, it’s…” he broke off, and turned away from them, his arms crossed in front of his chest.

Hiccup almost expected he’d turn away further when Eret stepped toward him to place his hand on his lover’s shoulder. But instead, Dagur sighed, relaxed, and leaned into the touch, and Hiccup couldn’t help but look away at their moment of intimacy. Yes, they were both suffering just like him.

“I’m sorry,” Cami said again, sounding truly miserable, but Eret cut her off directly.

“It’s all right. Dag’s right, we knew it couldn’t last. All we can do now is make the best of it.”

“I sure hope you do,” Dagur threw back, an odd mixture of sadness, joking, and sincerity in his voice. “If I hear only one complaint from Swanja about you, I’m going to come and rip off your head!”

Eret chuckled, if a little strained. “Hey, I already tried to do her a favour by convincing her father to arrange that ride tomorrow. I mean, it can’t be long with the ball in the evening, and it won’t be a fast ride either with her having to use this horrible side saddle and at least some members of the party not being experienced riders. But I still think it’s better than nothing. Or I hope so, at least.” He sighed. “Anyway, I’m holding you on to that promise, just so you know. Making sure she’s happy will be my highest priority from now on.”

Eret’s reply made them share a weak but true smile, and even with how numb and hollow Hiccup felt, he still was grateful for the reminder that they did care about her. She was in good hands. That was all that mattered.

“Anyway,” Eret went on. “Before we leave you alone, I wanted to thank you, Cami. For taking our request for an appointment on such a short notice. It’ll probably be the last time anyway.”

She gave him a comforting smile. “Of course. I’ll always have time for you.” Then she frowned. “But why do you think it’ll be the last? It’s still over six weeks until the wedding.”

“Aye.” Eret shrugged. “But the betrothal will become official in two weeks already, and me coming here after that won’t be regarded with any form of leniency. And then there’s the ball tomorrow night. Even with it just being meant as an entertaining diversion, her choice of partner for the opening dance will still be regarded as her making an unofficial choice.” He shook his head, a despondent expression on his face. “No, this will be the last time we come here. It has to be.”

Again, Hiccup had to avert his gaze – to give them privacy when it now was Dagur’s turn to comfort Eret, but mostly to hide his reaction to Eret’s words. He’d effectively pushed aside every thought of this, but he was right. After tomorrow night, she would be considered betrothed to Eret, no matter how unofficially. The thought gave him a new sting, and he almost laughed in surprise at how his heart could still hurt more.

“I see,” Cami sighed. “Well, then off with you two. If you want, we can talk more later. I hope you can enjoy this night as much as possible.”

They didn’t need another invitation and only seconds later, Hiccup was alone with Cami. And no matter how painful the previous conversation had already been… What came next would be worse.

“So, and what’s up with you?” she asked in a noticeably more cheerful tone. “I get why they are so depressed, but I honestly didn’t expect that from you too, not even out of sympathy.”

With his lips pressed into a thin line, Hiccup ignored her words and walked past her to where wine and glasses were already standing ready for them on the small table. He poured himself a glass and downed it in one. Maybe the alcohol would make enduring this easier. Behind him, Cami said his name, clearly confused, but he kept ignoring her. It was only after he’d nearly emptied his second glass of wine before she more firmly demanded an answer.

“Hiccup, what’s up with you?” Her hand was on his arm, keeping him from turning away as she stepped in front of him. “After our last conversation about how much you and your lady love dreaded the separation, I thought you’d be happy about this postponement.”

Snorting, he turned his head away from her anyway. Right… Oh, how much they’d hope for just any way for them to not have to part. Once again he thought about how the prospect of being separated for weeks and months had felt like the worst that could happen to them. How foolish and naive they’d been. And how much he’d give to return to those times…

“Hiccup?”

This time, Cami sounded worried, and almost despite his own will, he turned to look at her. And even though he’d sworn to himself to lock his pain deep inside him, to never let anyone see… right now, he couldn’t hold it back anymore.

“Hiccup, what happened?” she gasped when his mask crumbled away to reveal his pain. She pulled at his arm until he sat down in one of her chairs. “You look… horrible. Gods, did something happen to her? Is she alright? What–”

“She’s fine,” he mumbled, if only to keep her from worrying further. And it was true, wasn’t it? Physically, she was fine...

For a short while, Cami was quiet, watching him closely. “What is it then?” she eventually asked, softly. “You seemed so sure, but… Did you two break up?”

Again, he snorted. “In a way,” he mumbled, remembering the conversations they’d had, at the stables on her birthday and at the armoury on the day after. They had broken up, even as that phrase sounded too weak to describe what happened. Once more, pain flooded his mind and body, and he reached again for the wine, refilling his glass and taking a big gulp. Why couldn’t he turn numb already?

“Why?” Cami probed, and no matter how gentle that one word had been, it still felt like a sting, as if it had torn a hole into his thin layer of protection. From one heartbeat to the other, he wasn’t able to hold back any longer.

“Because she’ll marry someone else!” he burst out, eyes stinging. “Not by choice, but what does that matter? In six weeks, she’ll get married to Eret, and there’s nothing we can do. I lost her.”

There, he’d said it. And now, the desired numbness sat in with full force. He slumped down in his chair, too weak to even hold his head up anymore. For the first time in almost two weeks, tears were welling up in his eyes and he didn’t even try to hold them back. It didn't matter. He’d lost her, forever, and now nothing mattered anymore.

He wasn’t sure how long it took Cami to react again. He was dimly aware of her staring at him with wide eyes and her jaw dropped, but he just didn’t care...

“The Princess,” she eventually whispered, and a tiny sarcastic part of his mind wanted to applaud her. After so many weeks of her trying to pry for any information about his lady love, she now knew. So what? It wasn’t as if things could get worse. “You… are you trying to tell me that this girl you talked about, the one you spent nearly every night with, and who I encouraged you to introduce to sex was the Princess?”

All Hiccup could do was nod weakly, but it seemed to be enough for Cami.

“Are you insane?” she nearly shrieked. “The Princess? H-how… how did that even happen? And what were you thinking? You said you were certain to marry her one day, but… But she’s the Princess, for fuck’s sake. Everyone knew that she would marry for an alliance one day, even she. What in Loki’s name made you believe you could circumvent that?”

Hiccup groaned. Every single one of her words felt like another blow to his battered soul. Yes, they really had been stupid to hope and to dream, hadn’t they? But it had all felt so real…

For a few minutes, Cami went on with her tirade, scolding him, but after a while, it stopped affecting him. He couldn’t take any more, and he also understood that by now, this was more Cami venting out her shock than anything else. Eventually, she stopped, and a heavy silence covered them like a blanket.

“We thought it would work,” he eventually murmured into the silence. “We were so sure… Because… because it had to work…” He could feel that Cami didn’t understand though. And how could she? If he listened to himself now, it barely made any sense to him either. Except… “She and I… we share a bond, one that I can still feel even now when all hope is lost. And we thought… If the Gods bound us like that, doesn’t that mean that we will be together? That it’s our inevitable fate? Isn’t that part of what being soulmates means?” He shook his head, the hopelessness of everything once more crashing down on him.

“Oh, Hiccup…” Cami reached out her hand, hesitated visibly, but then placed it onto his arm after all. “I… I don’t doubt that you thought you’d be soulmates. There are many young couples so madly in love that they feel like that. But… but true soulbonds are rare. So rare that I haven’t even heard of a true one happening in the last thirty years or so. I’m sorry, but… but that wasn’t real.”

Hiccup groaned. He’d known that this would be the most likely reaction to them ever telling anyone. But it still stung to hear her say it. She was wrong, though, he knew that deep in his heart. What he and she shared, that was real. Wasn’t it? “I don’t believe you,” he whispered.

“I’m sorry, Hiccup. But… Let’s think this through. If yours was a true soulbond… then you would have been right. Nothing on Midgard can keep apart what the Gods forged together – not even a King’s decision. So how can you be soulmates when, as you all pointed out, she will marry Eret instead? Her decision falls tomorrow at the ball. Not officially, but binding enough. What made you even believe your bond would be true?”

Almost against his will, his hand wandered to his chest. He could still feel her heartbeat and that spark of her soul deep within him. How could that not be real? But he couldn’t make Cami feel what he felt, so he had to try and put it into words. “I… just know it’s true,” he explained in a whisper. “I can feel her, even now. Right here. And… and I felt her before, too. You remember how she got attacked shortly before Midwinter? I was miles away from her then, asleep at the outer stables. But I still felt her anxiety – her fear and her pain – strong enough to wake me up. There is a bond between us, a connection,” he insisted. Cami still didn’t look convinced though, so he tried to think of what else to tell her. “And we had visions! Well, one vision, but it was the same for both of us. We saw the same thing: our future together in a small house, me coming home after a journey, and she and our son greeting me at the door. That was real!”

In what was probably meant as a comforting gesture, Cami squeezed his arm. “I don’t doubt that you believe that,” she repeated her words from earlier, sighing. “But that doesn’t change the facts, Hiccup. She will marry Eret, as it had always been meant to be. Your bond can’t be real.”

. o O o .

Until deep into the night – with Eret and Dagur still not having returned from the temple – Hiccup kept pondering over Cami’s words.

They made no sense.

He knew, without a doubt, that their bond was real. Vividly, he remembered how her fears had reached him even though he’d had no idea that something had been wrong. He hadn’t made that up. And it was the same with their vision. They both had seen the same future without even knowing each other. That hadn’t been a coincidence. It can’t have been!

No, their bond was real. The longer he thought about it now, staring at the decorated ceiling above him, the clearer it became to him. It wasn’t just a fluke or a pipe dream. It couldn’t be.

But if Cami was right and nothing could ever overcome a true soulbond, what did that mean in return? Did that mean that… that there was still hope after all?

The mere idea made Hiccup’s heart stutter painfully. Had he given up too soon? Should he have fought for her after all? But how? If only he knew what to do. He’d do everything for her, whatever it would take.

The facts remained the same though. He couldn’t think of a solution, no chance, no way for them to be together. And he was running out of time. If there was something he could do then what was it?

So what if Cami had been right after all and he was chasing nothing but a dream. Was it possible that they’d interpreted too much into their feelings? Or maybe it was something else entirely, something he’d thought about before and that Cami hadn’t mentioned. Not even a King’s decision could overrule the Gods’ will, she’d said. But what if the Gods changed their mind? Was it possible that them getting intimate had angered them enough to part them again?

Groaning, he covered his face with his hands. All this pondering wasn’t doing him any good. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t thought about uncountable options already. But he couldn’t think of a way out and he wasn’t optimistic about getting an epiphany anytime soon either. And it would have to come soon, before tomorrow night preferably.

“Please,” he murmured a prayer into the darkness of the empty room. “Please, if it is your wish that we are together then send me a sign. I’d do everything for her, but I need your help. Is there still hope for us? What can I do?”

But it didn’t seem as if the Gods had heard him, or maybe they just didn’t care. There was no sudden lightning strike, no foreign voice speaking in his mind, nothing. For over an hour, he kept pondering and wondering before sleep eventually overcame him.

. – * – _ . o O o . _ – * – .

He found himself in a forest that he didn’t recognize. Pine, fir, some oak, with light underbrush. Nearby, a mighty tree had fallen in some years past, and there was a cluster of saplings reaching up towards the gap and the light, with blackberry bushes around them. He noticed that he had a heavy basket in hand, filled with the berries, and without thinking, he set off down the well-beaten path behind him. Birds fluttered around in the air above him and he heard squirrels and woodpeckers hard at work.

Then he emerged into a clearing, and the moment Hiccup recognised the small but neat house with a garden of flowers, vegetables, and herbs around it, he knew that he was dreaming. He’d only seen this place once before, and just for a fleeting moment, but it was enough. His heart was beating furiously as his feet led him closer. If this was the same like the last time, then there should be the noise of a barking dog at any moment and then the door would open to…

But this was not a repetition of the vision he’d had some months ago, he realised. There was no barking dog, not even when he reached the still-closed door. He waited, and when nothing happened he lifted his hand to open it himself. It was locked though, so he knocked instead, eager to see her. Maybe indulging in this dream wasn’t a wise idea, but he honestly didn’t care. He only wanted to see her…

But still, the door didn’t open. Instead, he heard a voice in his head, old and gnarled somehow.

I am locked.

With a start, he looked around, but there was nobody. Shaking his head in puzzlement, he knocked again but had no time to even wait for a reaction from inside when the voice spoke again.

Still locked.

Somehow, it sounded amused this time, and finally the words started to make sense, even as nothing else did. But this was a dream, Hiccup reminded himself. Things didn’t need to make sense…

“Can… can you open up for me?” He felt stupid talking to a wooden door, but it also felt weirdly right.

The voice in his mind chuckled. No, I can’t do that.

Hiccup’s shoulders slumped. He had the strong feeling that this was more than just an ordinary dream. The answer to his questions was inside this little house, their future home. But if he couldn’t get inside, then–

But you can open me.

Hiccup blinked and reflexively tried to open the door again. But it wouldn’t budge, only rattled a bit. “No, I can’t. You’re locked.”

Don’t you have a key?

“No, I don’t. Why would–” he broke off when the door’s voice again chuckled in his mind.

I think you do.

Hiccup didn’t understand. How was he supposed to have a key, either to this enchanted door or it’s future counterpart? He had no keys at all, had nothing on him except the clothes he’d fallen asleep in – the basket had vanished at some point without him noticing – and–

With a start, he scrambled for the cord around his neck. For her key.

See? the voice chuckled again, then faded away. He didn’t expect to hear it ever again.

Instead, he looked down at the key in his hand. It was bigger than in reality, sturdier, but it very clearly was the same key. With shaking fingers, he pushed it into the lock and wasn’t even surprised when it fit perfectly. With an audible click, the door unlocked and opened without his doing, revealing the person standing behind it.

“I’m so glad you made it,” she said in her usual slightly nasal voice, her blue eyes beaming and her pink lips stretched into a loving smile.

Hiccup could do nothing but stare. It was her. She was here! Joy bubbled up inside him and a wide grin stretched over his face. It might just be a dream, but still. Looking at her, openly and without having to hide anything, was balm for his soul.

“Come with me,” she said, smiling, and took his hand to lead him around the house and into the garden. It was bigger than he’d realised, with a patch of soft grass beneath an old tree where they made themselves comfortable. The branches and leaves build something like a roof above them, with only small spots of sunlight dotting the ground and dancing when the breeze caught in the tree overhead.

On their way, he took the time to look at their surroundings, her hand in his warm and reassuring. To their left, there was a stream and a little lake and to the right, he spotted the edge of the thick forest he’d come out of. Behind the building and the garden was a steep wall of solid stone that stretched to surround the clearing in a wide arc on nearly all sides except for a narrow opening somewhere in the forest. A caldera?

He shook his head, inwardly laughing at himself. Finally, he had the chance to spend time with her again, or something close to that at least, and he wasted it by looking at the scenery? Quickly, he focused on her again, on her hair, her face, the feeling of her hand in his – and frowned. Clearly, it was her, but at the same time, she was… different. He looked at her more intently, trying to pin down what exactly it was that threw him off. She certainly didn’t look the same as when he’d seen her earlier that day. She was older by some years, more grown up. Her face had lost a bit of its roundness and was more defined, her golden hair a shade or two paler. But that wasn’t what bothered him.

Somehow, she didn’t feel right. Of course, she wasn’t real, was just a product of his dream, but still there seemed to me more. She was too alive for a dream, and she was different. As if it wasn’t his soulmate at all sitting there at his side, but instead someone else.

He pushed the thought aside as something ridiculous. This was a dream. None of this was real and nothing needed to make sense. A part of him tried to convince himself that it would be better to simply wake up. It would be too easy to get lost in this fantasy and the longer he indulged in it the more it would hurt when he woke up again. But even with her not feeling right, being here in this beautiful garden with her to simply enjoy their time… it was too wonderful, and he couldn’t bring himself to even try to wake up.

She didn’t say anything, only watched him with that warm smile of hers that he loved so much as his hand cupped her cheek, his eyes taking in her achingly familiar features. He savoured every moment of the illusion of being so close to her, of feeling her warmth beneath his hand, and of the faint mayweed scent surrounding her. Even if nothing of this was real, it still felt real enough to pretend. For a few minutes, they continued like this, with him marvelling how well their hands fit together and how their soft caressing each other made him shudder, until he invited her into his embrace and she followed without a moment’s hesitation. At that moment, he didn’t care how much this dream might pain him once he woke up. Simply holding her like this was worth everything, and it only strengthened his resolve to keep fighting for her in case he ever got the chance.

“I miss you,” he murmured a good while later. It was hard to tell the passing of time, but he would say that at least an hour had passed with them simply cuddling in the comfortable grass. By now, he lay with his head cushioned in her lap, her hand carding through his hair. It felt good, so peaceful and right. He never wanted to leave again.

“I know,” she replied. “I felt your pain and I heard your plea. That’s why I came to you.”

Hiccup frowned at her odd choice of words. She’d come to him because of his plea? What plea? And how had she come to him, when this was only a dream? It didn’t make sense, unless–

“But don’t give up,” she went on, interrupting his line of thoughts. “You were right right from the beginning. Don’t give in to doubt now.”

With wide eyes, he looked up at her, at her face, beautiful as always yet with an intense, almost divine inner glow... None of this made sense, unless it wasn’t a dream after all. Was this the answer he’d asked for?

He took a deep breath to calm himself. If he was right...

“Is there still hope then?” he asked breathless yet carefully, unsure what he even was allowed to do in her presence.

Smiling, she nodded. “There is always hope.”

Hastily, he scrambled up to his knees to look at her. “Please. I… I need your advice, Oh Fair One. I don’t know what to do.”

She smiled at him, and there was no question to him that this wasn’t Astrid, for all that She wore his love’s form. “Do what comes naturally to you.”

“I... I have been,” he said, pained. “But it isn’t enough!”

“I know it feels that way,” she said, and her eyes seemed to gleam with an inner radiance, blue like the sapphires he’d once seen in a shop held up to sunlight. “Foresight is a painful gift, but We had a purpose in Our selection...”

“My Lady...” Hiccup began, and her head jerked towards him, a wry smile on his beloved’s lips.

“Yes?”

“Please. Please. It hurts so much being parted. All I want is to hold her again. Is there a way?”

She scoffed. “You are strong enough for the work ahead, although I know the path is difficult. Do Our work and know that your reward will be yours.” She motioned to the clearing and the house inside it. “Success–or failure–is entirely in your hands.”

“Then why are you here?” he asked.

“You called,” she said simply. “And in answer to your question... do you want to know? Truly? Foresight is a painful gift, as I said.”

Hiccup didn’t hesitate and knelt. “My Lady, please. You bound my heart to her. Just tell me what I must do to hold her again.”

She patted his head and said softly. “So We did. Well then. Yes, you can hold your beloved in your arms again. Soon. But first, you will end the life of someone dear to her.”

. – * – _ . o O o . _ – * – .

It was strange, Hiccup thought the next morning, how little it bothered him to prepare Crusher for Eret. Even though he was incredibly grateful Eret had rescued him, it had always pained Hiccup to tend to his father’s former stallion and to hum his mother’s lullaby to calm the beast. But today, it barely affected him at all. His mind was too occupied with that dream. That vision.

You can hold your beloved in your arms again. Soon. But first, you will end the life of someone dear to her.

She’d said that and he’d woken, and in the hours since, the words of the Goddess had continued to echo through his thoughts. There was barely anything else that registered in his mind. Every stroke down Crusher’s silken black fur and every movement to bridle and saddle him was done through pure force of habit, just like it had been with Cassie before. What did those words mean?

Was he supposed to kill someone for her? That… that seemed rather crass and he couldn’t see how that would be good for her in any way. She hated pointless deaths... Besides, he didn’t even know who. Eret maybe, so he couldn’t marry her in his stead? Or her father, in revenge for his decision and to render it useless? Or someone else entirely; Dagur, or Daniel, or someone he couldn’t even think of right now?

His heart was thrumming with hope, with the prospect of how maybe they still had a chance after all. But the circumstances were daunting, to say the least. He’d thought he was ready to do everything for this chance, but this… Could he kill someone, just out of the hope that it would somehow get them back together again? And if he could do it… Who and how and when?

The whirling thoughts in his mind made him dizzy, and he had to sit down for a minute. More out of reflex, he rubbed his twinging leg as he gazed into the distance with unseeing eyes. End the life of someone dear to her… Was this really what he had to do? Or had he just imagined it all, had it been nothing but a dream made up by his desperation? Gods, he couldn’t even trust his own mind anymore!

His hand wandered to his chest, feeling for the key and her warmth beneath. Last night, in that dream or vision or whatever it had been, holding her in his arms had reminded him of just how much he needed her in his life. If there was a chance for them, then he just had to take it.

But did that mean that he could murder Eret if it came down to that?

“Hey. You all right?”

Hiccup jumped when, unexpectedly, Eret’s voice cut into his thoughts. He looked up at his cousin, a spark of panic flaring up inside him. Would he be able to read Hiccup’s thoughts from a moment ago on his face?

“H-hey,” he stammered in greeting. “Yeah, everything’s good. Fine. Uh, Crusher is ready, but if you want you can check him over again. I’m feeling a bit fried – rough night – so I’m not all here right now. I-I hope I made no mistake.” Oh, wouldn’t that be ironic? If he killed Eret by accident simply because he hadn’t correctly taken care of his kit? Or would that even count as an accident, with a small dark voice in the back of his mind demanding him to do it? A shiver ran down Hiccup’s spine, and he averted his face when he felt Eret’s scrutinising look on him.

“Hiccup... what’s wrong?” He paused for a moment before he went on with a low sigh. “Listen… You don’t have to come along today if you don’t feel like it. This is just a joy ride, nothing more. You’ll really be needed as squire at the ball tonight, so you’d better rest until then.”

Hiccup grimaced as Eret’s words brought a new idea to his mind. Could he kill Eret simply by not being around when he needed his help? These thoughts were driving him insane!

“No, I’m good, really,” he muttered and tried to force something like a smile on his face. “But still, you better check that all buckles and straps are where they should be.”

“As if you’d make a mistake when it comes to horses,” Eret snorted. “No, I trust you. Besides, we don’t really have time for that anyway. I’m… well, I slept too long and I fear the rest of the party is already waiting. Let’s get going.”

With a tight smile, Hiccup nodded and was glad when turning to get Cassie provided him with a welcome excuse. Interacting with Eret had never felt this awkward before, and he was certain that his unusual tension hadn’t escaped Eret’s notice.

He had to admit, however, that going for a ride was a wonderful diversion from their other activities lately. Hiccup rarely ever felt as free and relaxed as when on horseback, and even with how anxious he was today, Cassie’s familiar movements beneath him filled him with a certain calmness.

As Eret had predicted, it was nothing but a slow ride through the countryside, hardly a joyous ride; in fact, it was more of a discomforting plodding, which Hiccup knew that she and her brothers all hated from how they’d reacted over the last few months. But it couldn’t be helped, given the number of riders in the party. Most of the hundred and more suitors were riding with them, and their horsemanship left much to be desired, especially as they crowded around her, unable or unwilling to just yet accept that they’d lost. But that was understandable, as they were the survivors of the contests so far, after the injuries during the tournaments and hunts had killed nearly two dozen, with that one boar having accounted for four deaths all on its own, and another two dozen-plus were wounded or maimed. They wouldn’t give up that easily, not now, not after everything.

From his place close behind Eret, he could barely even see her on Markor’s back where she rode at the front of the party next to the King. And their speed wasn’t helped by her having to use that ridiculous side saddle for this official event. He figured she wouldn’t be all too happy right now from that, but hoped that she’d at least find some form of comfort by being allowed to ride again for once.

Trying not to focus too hard on her and trusting in Cassie to stay in her place amidst the group, the slow pace gave Hiccup the chance to further brood over the riddle She had given him – even as the sober thought of the Goddess Herself having appeared in his dreams nearly made him hysterical. It all felt so surreal, impossible, and only left him more confused than before. Yes, he’d asked for help, for a hint at whether and what he could do, but had that vision – if it had been a vision at all – really helped him? He wasn’t so sure about that. She’d been right. Foresight was a painful gift.

For well over an hour, they rode along the shore of Lake Vola while Hiccup’s thoughts still whirled around in circles. He hadn’t paid their surroundings any mind, but from one moment to the other that changed. There was a commotion at the front of their party; a horse whinnied and others snorted, men yelled, and there was abrupt movement among the packed riders, some halting and others urging their steeds on.

Then a sudden shriek of pure agony rent the air, and it was only by dint of long experience that Hiccup kept Cassie from bolting in panic. A number of horses did bolt, sending their riders tumbling out of their saddles or carrying them off, and shouts of surprise and dismay joined the agonized cry of someone in mortal pain.

And from the sound, Hiccup knew, knew who it was...

. o O o .

Right... and I'm back into hiding...

Next Chapter

#For The Love Of A Princess #FTLOAP #hiccstid #hiccstrid fanfiction #fanfiction #httyd #Hiccup and Astrid #medieval au #Hiccstrid Medieval AU #hiccstrid royal au #royalty au #Romance/Angst/Hurt/Comfort/Fluff

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