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bluestar22x · 7 months

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A Young!Joel Miller Short Fanfic

xxx

Summary: When you move in next door, you ask Joel and Tommy to paint your house. No outbreak AU. Sarah is in part of the story.

Pairing: Young!Joel x Legally Blind F!Reader (only other physical description is that she doesn't have cloudy eyes); Miller family dynamics

Rating: 18+

Warnings: Fluff, smut, no physical barriers aka condoms (not recommended), Joel taking things nice and slow ;)

Word Count: 5,300 (ish)

Author's Note: I'm not blind myself so I hope I did this justice. I do follow a blind youtuber channel so I've made an attempt to make this accurate considering there's varying degrees and types of blindness. I had to try since I couldn't get this fic idea out of my head.

xxx

November 2003

"Sarah?" Joel called out as he stepped into his house after a long day finishing another construction project with Tommy, kicking off his boots by the door.

"In here," he heard her call from the kitchen.

He climbed the few steps between that room and the entrance way, finding her seated at the dining table, focused on coloring in something on white poster paper with colored pencils.

"What'd you got there?" he quizzed, heading for the fridge and pulling out a bottle of Coke, twisting the cap off. He turned to face her as he took a sip.

"Mrs. Henson assigned us science projects last week," she answered, not looking up. "Mine's on water runoff, you know? How the rain erodes and shapes land and stuff?"

Joel grunted. "Ya. We learned that in school too."

Sarah smiled slightly at his grumpy reaction and continued on, "I got the research paper part of it done yesterday and tonight I want to finish the poster."

"When is it due?" he asked her, walking over to study the drawing she'd made. More than a little bit of pride bloomed in his chest when he noted how realistic the land and water looked on the paper. She was a real little artist.

"Thursday," she replied, "But I wanted to get it done early, since Ava wants to go to the mall tomorrow - if that's okay? We're gonna take the bus together."

"Sure." Joel had planned on taking the next day, a Saturday, off to spend time with her, but he wasn't going to stop her from going out with her new friend just cause he wanted to spend some time with her. Ava was a good kid like Sarah and he wanted to encourage his daughter's friendship with her. It was a good thing for her to be going out with kids her age. She was nearly fifteen, after all. As much as he hated that she was growing up so fast, he refused to hold her back. She was already wise beyond her years. "Do you need any money?"

She shook her head. "I still have that money from dog sitting Mercy."

"Alright."

The Adlers, their closest neighbors, had hired Sarah to watch Mercy for a weekend last month while they were away for a family member's wedding in Oklahoma. She'd earned fifty bucks and as sensible as she was, she had of course put the money away instead of spending it immediately.

Joel wanted to insist he give her some money for it too, she deserved it, but he knew she'd refuse. She was old enough to know that money was tight. They were in a good place, but any big emergencies could easily mess that up, and Joel was also trying save up money for college for her. That she didn't know about.

"Thanks," Sarah said gratefully, getting back to work.

"No need, kiddo," Joel told her, warm eyes watching her. The wall mounted phone in the kitchen began to ring and he frowned before striding over to pick it up. Who would be calling at this time? His brother better not have gotten into trouble again. He'd wring out his neck.

"Miller."

"This Joel?" inquired an unfamiliar feminine voice on the other end of the line - yours.

"Yeah."

"Sorry for calling so late," you said. You stated your name. "I tried calling you earlier today but no one picked up. Guessed you were at work. Anyway, I'm a neighbor of yours across the street, recently moved in next door to Denise. She talked to me today and suggested I call you about getting the inside painted. She gave me your phone number. Said you and your brother Tommy painted her place last year for her at a fair price."

Tommy had been the one to set that small job up. It wasn't what they usually did, but painting was easy, and his little brother had been dating Denise at the time. They'd only been together a few weeks before deciding they weren't quite right for each other, but they'd remained friends ever since. Part of that was Denise throwing them job opportunities every once in a while. He wasn't sure why Denise hadn't given you Tommy's number though.

"You're in luck," Joel said, "We're in between jobs. You want the whole inside painted?"

"Yes."

"Will you have everything we need?" he questioned.

"I've never had a house painted before," you told him. "This is my first home I own. I wouldn't know what to get. But I did get the paint and I'll pay for all the supplies you need to buy, of course."

Joel asked you exactly which house was yours and how big each of the rooms were, if there were a lot of corners, any wallpaper to be taken down, etc. and you answered him in precise ways that gave him an excellent idea on what the job would cost you. When he gave you the estimation he could almost hear the smile on your face in your bright tone. "That's so much better than what the other painter was estimating. When could you start?"

"Well, I'll have to talk to my brother and get back to you in the morning," Joel said, "But we might be able to start tomorrow afternoon."

"On a Saturday?" You were clearly surprised by that.

"Yeah," he confirmed. "I got no plans. As long as my brother isn't doing anything either, we'll gladly get going on it while we're waiting for our next big project to begin."

They'd have two weeks. Plenty of time for them to get your whole house done. More than enough.

"Alright, then, I'll stay near a phone," you said before giving him your number. He used a pen to jot it down on a sticky note pad he kept nearby on a counter. "Goodnight, Joel, and thanks again."

"You're welcome," he said back, and he heard a click on the other end as you hung up your phone. He did the same with his.

"You're working tomorrow?" Sarah asked, disapprovingly.

"I got no plans," Joel argued. "Might as well help her out."

She blinked up at him curiously. "Who is she?"

"One of our new neighbors," he explained. "Denise recommended me and Tommy when she told her she needed someone to paint the inside of her house."

"That's nice of her," Sarah noted.

"It is," Joel agreed.

She let her eyes fall back down to the poster. "I'm almost done here. After can we watch a movie?"

He bent down to kiss her on the forehead and fondly tousled her dark, curly hair. "Sure thing, baby girl. Your pick."

It was probably going to be Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron again, but he didn't mind.

It turned out Tommy didn't have any plans the next day either so at one o' clock in the afternoon he met Joel at his house and they took the truck to gather supplies at their favorite hardware store before heading over to your house for two.

Joel knocked on the door, a step ahead of Tommy on the porch, and you opened it up a few moments later, a wide, friendly smile on your face, wanting to make them feel welcome. "Joel and Tommy?"

They both nodded. "Yes ma'am."

You moved aside so they could walk in and shut the door behind them. "Glad to meet you."

You raised your right hand to shake Joel's, just a little too high and a little too much to the left for a sighted person. You knew because you felt Joel gently grasp your hand and move it into a more comfortable position before shaking it.

You couldn't see it, but Joel and Tommy shared a glance, unsure.

"Are you...?" The younger Miller trailed off, not wanting to pry but unable to help himself. You felt him staring at your eyes with confusion, and you immediately knew why.

You nodded at him. "Yeah, it might not look like it, but I'm blind."

Many people not used to being around blind people without sunglasses on didn't know that many blind people had normal looking eyes like yours. You'd even had a few people claim you were faking it because they looked fine and you sometimes could pass as a sighted person to those who briefly interacted with you. You may have lost your sight, but you were a very capable person.

"That why you need us to paint?" Joel asked.

"I need you to paint because I have no experience doing it and I have a job just like everyone else," you answered patiently. Sometimes slighted people tested it, but there was no reason to get annoyed with either of them yet.

"What do you do?" Tommy inquired curiously.

"I'm an author. I write children's books."

You may have not been able to see his expression, but you still sensed his surprise. "Never heard of Helen Keller?"

"No, I have," Tommy stuttered.

Joel huffed at his idiot brother and turned back to you. "Where would you like us to start?"

"In the kitchen," you replied. "My parents and sister are visiting next weekend and I want to make sure the paint in the main rooms are all dry before they do."

You led them from your mudroom into the kitchen and your reddish brown Golden Retriever woofed at them once lowly before trotting loyally up to your side.

"Cute dog," Tommy noted. "Is he your service dog, or can I pet him?"

"Maple is my service dog," you stated, "But she's off duty and would probably love a pet."

You were glad he asked, even if it wasn't necessary in the house. Too many people tried petting Maple when out in public, even though she always had her vest on when she was guiding you. Some people just couldn't take a hint, or didn't care that they were distracting her from her job.

Tommy kneeled and patted his thighs to get Maple's attention. She darted up to him, happily accepting his affection as he scratched her behind the ears. "Hey, girl. Aren't you sweet?"

You glided a hand along the island in the center of the room so you moved a straight line as you passed it and stopped when you reached the end, picking up one of the paint cans you'd left there by the handle and flaunting it to him and Joel.

"This is the color I want in this room," you declared.

Joel took a few steps closer to examine the label on the bucket. "This is a bright lime green, you sure?"

You furrowed your eyebrows at his words. "Of course I am."

"It's just I've never seen anyone around here put a bright color like that on their walls," he explained. "I'm not trying to tell you what to do."

"I picked out all bright colors on purpose," you told him. "I can't see dark colors at all, but in certain lighting, like direct sunlight, I can see bright colors. It's really blurry, but I can still see those colors enough to like it. It's comforting."

You hadn't always been blind. You'd been born sighted, but a genetic disease had slowly taken your sight away and still was. Eventually you wouldn't be able to see bright colors either, but for the time being you could.

"Alright then." He backed off as Tommy stood up. "We'll get to work."

"If you have any questions, I'll be in my office down the hall," you informed them. "Writing."

"Sure thing," Joel said and you just knew he'd nodded out of habit at you. You hid a chuckle from him.

Joel and Tommy were good workers. Fast but competent and precise, just as Denise had promised you. In the week that followed, as they steadily painted your plain looking walls so they'd stand out, you all got to know each other a little more and more, a consequence of being in close quarters together, especially when they got busy painting your office while you were still in it.

You learned that Joel had a teen daughter at home, though he'd only turned thirty-six a couple months ago, and that Tommy was an Army veteran. Neither gave details on why he was already retired though. Maybe he'd been injured? You could only guess since you didn't know him enough to feel like you had the right to pry.

Since the Miller brothers were often at your home during lunch you started offering them a plate of whatever you were eating. Tacos, pasta, homemade fried chicken. They took some convincing, not wanting to make you spend extra money on them, but you assured them that it was fine, that it was all excess that would likely end up in the trash if they didn't help you out eating it all. So they ate at your dining table with you and you got to know them a little more.

Though Tommy was closer to your age, and they were both handsome sounding men, you felt yourself helplessly attracted to Joel and his gravelly voice. His attitude matched some of your personality as well. Quiet, observant, with a sarcastic sense of humor.

You found yourself dragging your laptop into whatever room they were working in so you could listen in on them, listen to Joel in particular, even though you typically hated people who eavesdropped. You couldn't help yourself, and if either of the brothers noticed, they didn't mention it. Maybe they liked your company too, you thought. A girl could dream.

It didn't take long for Joel to figure out you were someone special. Not because of what you'd gone through in life or because you were pretty, but because of the little things you did.

People in the South were known for being polite and kind neighbors, but that wasn't as standard as most outsiders thought, and you went above and beyond the standard measures when allowed to.

Like when Sarah knocked on the door Thursday after school offering some cookies to buy for the travel club she'd recently joined. They were going to New York in two years and she was determined to pay for it all by herself through the club's typical fundraising events. She was planning on getting a job in the summer too. When she'd explained why she was selling the cookies, you'd bought two dozen for fifty dollars without hesitance and invited her in to hang out while he and Tommy finished their day's work.

"Thanks so much," Sarah repeated as she sat down on a stool in the kitchen, not far from Joel, who was cleaning some brushes off in the sink. He easily heard everything you two were talking about.

"You can thank me by keeping about a dozen of those when they come in," you told her, also plopping onto a stool. "Anything more than twelve in my house and I'll get diabetes real early."

Sarah giggled. "Okay. I'll do that." She noticed Maple as she approached her water bowl for a few licks and beamed at her. "What a pretty dog. What's her name?"

"Maple," you replied. "She's my guide dog, but you can pet her. If she's out of harness, she's not working."

"Come here Maple!" Sarah exclaimed and the dog gleefully sprinted up to her. Sarah kissed her head and rubbed her body until Maple flopped over and offered her belly to her. Sarah giggled again and gave her what she wanted. "I love dogs," she told you.

"It runs in the family, apparently," you mused, probably thinking about how Tommy had reacted on the first day.

Joel himself had patted Maple a few times during the course of the week. His family had always been dog people, even when they couldn't afford dogs.

"Dad told me you're an author," Sarah said.

"He did?"

Joel felt your eyes on his back and heat flooded his face. He didn't want you thinking he gossiped about you behind your back or something like that. He wasn't that type of person.

"I write children's stories, so you probably haven't heard of any of them," you informed Sarah. "I have a series about a family of red foxes who have adventures together." You went on to give a few examples and Joel noticed his daughter listening intently, ever respectful.

"Sounds interesting," Sarah told her afterwards. "I probably would've loved your stories as a kid. Are foxes your favorite animal?"

"They are," you answered, nodding. "Red foxes in particular. They're just such elegant canines. And very clever. They may like chickens, but they tend to rather avoid people in most cases."

"Have you ever seen one in person?"

"Yes, I saw them all the time growing up," you replied. "Lived on a farm."

"Hence your mention of chickens."

You grinned. "Yeah. Foxes don't just like them in the cartoons."

"I can't blame them."

"Me neither."

Joel chuckled under his breath but didn't let it be known otherwise that he'd been listening in, getting back to work instead, leaving you two to continue your conversation without any prying ears.

He later found out when he got back home that you'd sent Sarah away with leftovers from that day's lunch to eat while she did her homework.

Of course you had.

By Friday night Joel and Tommy were almost finished your entire house, only needing to do a few finishing touches on the white borders in the otherwise bright yellow painted spare bedroom.

It was six o' clock and Tommy had to leave for a date, but Joel stuck around to finish the job.

"You don't have to stay," you said to him after his brother walked out the front door. "Go home and spend time with your daughter."

"We have plans to go hiking tomorrow," he told you. "But tonight she's with a friend and they're seeing a movie later. Won't be home until ten."

You nodded, not sure what to say to that. You didn't want him to work overtime just for you, but if he wanted to... "If you're sure."

"It's not a problem," he promised you. "Won't take more than another hour, if that."

He was finished in forty minutes, and was examining his work with a critical eye when you walked in to offer him a cup of lemonade. He accepted it gratefully.

"How does it look?" you asked him as he took a sip.

He grunted. "Bright. But the colors you picked turned out nicer than I expected. Do you want me to turn up the light brighter to see for yourself?"

"I can see the color in good lighting," you informed him, "But no matter how bright the light gets I'm not going to be able to see the trim. I'm going to have to trust you on that."

"You can," Joel said with a pause, "Trust me. With the trim, that is. There's no mistakes. We used tape to be sure."

You beamed at the way he was stumbling through his words, rambling. Something you figured wasn't in character for him, unless he was really nervous for some reason.

Would it be arrogant to think it was because of you and not your blindness?

It wasn't like you had men lining up to date you, but you were experienced enough to tell at least when they were nervous because of your presence, whether that be because of your blindness or your looks.

You couldn't tell between those two reasons though. You were just hoping that after the past week Joel was used to being around a blind person.

You walked with him to your front door quietly, unsure of how to proceed, what was next, now that the project was over.

"Call me with the bill and I'll bring you a check Monday?" You heard Joel pick up the tool belt he'd left by the door earlier.

"Sure," he said quietly.

You reached out and grabbed onto his arm before he could open the door on instinct. You wanted to stop him and so you did. It was the first time you'd ever touched him. His arm was toasty warm and you could feel the outline of his bicep under your palm.

You could not see his eyes turn back to you, but you knew they had.

"Thanks for helping me out on short notice," you said in a rush.

"No need to thank me," he countered with a shrug. You dropped your hand back to your side as he continued, "We were between jobs. If anything, you helped us."

You smiled at his insistence. "We helped each other then. My family will see the place as I want them to see it, and you have a little more money to put into Sarah's college savings."

"How'd...?"

You rolled your eyes, but another smile played on your lips. "Any good father's got a savings for their kid, and you're one of the best."

"Sarah tell you that?"

"I don't always need spoken words to see something."

There was some silence after that. "I'd better get home," Joel said eventually, awkwardly.

You pursed your lips. "Didn't you say Sarah's only going to get home at ten?"

"Yeah, why?"

You weren't sure and would never be sure how you grew to be so bold, but that night you knew what you wanted and you weren't going to let him leave until he at least knew it too. "I want you to stay."

"Why? You got something else that needs to be done?" he inquired obliviously.

One thing was clear to you in that moment - Joel Miller hadn't been flirted with in a long time, or at least had been too busy to notice.

You stopped yourself from rolling your eyes at him again and instead placed a hand on the back of his neck.

"I want you," you whispered.

You felt him stiffen under your touch and the next thing you knew he was pressing his soft, plump lips against your own in a heated kiss. He pulled away moments later instead of deepening it, but it had gone on long enough to leave you breathing out heavier than you were before.

"Sorry," he apologized. "I shouldn't have done that without asking."

"I wanted you to," you told him, cupping his face and guiding it back to yours. His mouth opened and you slid your tongue in, sliding it alongside his as you let out a hungry moan. He tasted good.

His hands wandered slowly down the sides of your body, tracing the outline of it until he reached your hips and curled his fingers around them. "Is this alright, sweetheart?"

You nodded vigorously and leaned into him, desperately trying to deepen your shared kisses even more. He guided you to the nearest wall and pressed you up against it as he parted his mouth from yours to kiss down your face to your neck, nibbling over your pulse, and your eyes fluttered shut to focus on the sensation of his teeth scraping the sensitive skin there. "Joel," you mewled.

"You sure you want me?" he asked as he jerked away. "Shit, I don't have any condoms anyway."

"That's okay," you said quickly, afraid he was about to put a stop to what was happening. "I have an implant and I've been tested recently. I haven't been with anyone since. You?"

"Last test was years ago, but I ain't been with anyone since then either," he promised.

You believed him. He was so invested in earning money and raising his daughter right it didn't surprise you he hadn't taken any time to be romantic with anyone in a long time. The thought made you yearn for him even more. Nothing was more attractive to you than a man who put his family's needs before his own. Who'd do anything for them, no matter the cost.

You found his lips again and reached down to unbuckle his belt, but he shoved your hands away. "Not here," he murmured in your ear.

He led you down the hallway to your bedroom, kissing you as you went.

He reached to turn on the light in the dark room but you stopped him. He frowned. "That'll only allow me to see the blue painted walls," you explained. "I don't need that right now. Right now I just want to feel you. To see you."

He immediately understood, guiding your hand to his face and you moved your fingers over it to study him, to get an idea of the main features of his face, and he silently stood there and let you. His thick eyebrows, his long lashes, the laughter lines around his eyes, his sharply curved nose, his neatly trimmed beard, and those soft lips, now puffy from their interactions with your own - you realized he was even more handsome than you'd thought.

"Like what you feel?" he questioned a few beats after you lowered your hand to rest over his shoulders, like the other one was.

"Definitely," you answered. "But a pretty face isn't what's going to satisfy me."

He groaned softly and found your mouth again as you focused on taking off his belt, chucking it to a far side of the room with a clink of metal on hardwood as his hands slipped under your shirt.

"Can I take this off?" he asked.

"Only if I can unbutton yours first," you replied, fingers finding the top button of his flannel shirt.

He patiently waited as you worked on all the buttons then chucked the shirt and the one underneath away as your hands took to his broad chest. You only pulled away long enough to fulfill your end of the bargain, to help him remove your blouse.

He explored your mouth again, needy. You could feel the pent up tension underneath his skin, could feel the hardness of his bulge as he pressed you closer to him, his hands splayed widely on your lower back. He was near desperate for you.

You unbuttoned his jeans and slipped a hand into his boxers, running your hand over his length, giving it a squeeze and a pump. He lurched forward, into your touch with a loud grunt. "I can't take that," he panted as he stepped back. "Not tonight, honey."

The rest of your clothes swiftly found a place on the floor and you found yourself being pressed into your mattress by his body as he covered you and lit you on fire with the gentle touches of his rough hands.

Though he was clearly in need of you, he took his time with you, kissing down your neck and chest, sucking on and swirling his tongue around both your nipples, nibbling the skin over your belly, trying to draw out as many gasps from you as he could. He got a lot. The feeling of his mouth on you, his body over you, it was almost satisfying enough. Almost.

"Now, Joel," you begged.

You felt one of his hands make its way between your legs to gently spread them apart, to slip his fingers through your folds, and he pulled them back almost immediately, to examine them. "Damn, honey, you're already soaked."

"Been thinking about this for a while," you explained. It had been a long week.

"Won't make you wait longer then," he told you, and you felt his left hand go to the outside of your thigh as he guided himself slowly into you with his right one. He was thick, but not unbearably so, and you threw your head back onto your pillow as he perfectly filled you up, clutching at the sheets underneath you at the same time.

He held himself above you as he began to slowly pump into you, making sure you felt every ridge and vein of his cock as he dragged it along inside your heat, and you wrapped your arms around his impressive shoulders, tugging his head down to kiss him between the soft gasps you released every time he pushed back into you.

He built you up like a man with all the time in the world, taking every opportunity to caress you and taste your salty skin. And while you couldn't see anything in the dim room, you could feel his intense gaze as you chanted his name breathlessly.

"You're so pretty, sweetheart," he rasped into your ear. "Especially like this. Making those sounds. Saying my name like that. Need to feel you come."

He lifted one of your legs up, draping it over his elbow, and the new angle had you breaking apart with a loud moan, colors bursting behind your eyes as you convulsed around him. It was the best climax you'd had in a long time.

Joel continued to seek his own pleasure through your high, grinding into you a little harder every time he buried himself to the hilt, inadvertently prolonging it, not that you minded in the slightest. You kissed and nipped at his jawline and murmured to him as you tried to focus on the feel of him moving inside you. "Let go, Joel. I wanna feel it. Want you to feel this good too."

He gave you a few quick bucks before his body finally seized up and you felt him pulsing as he emptied himself inside you, as he gritted out your name and buried his face into your chest. When he did, you ran your hands up and down his spine as you smiled up at the ceiling, soaking in the moment.

You'd had some daydreams about what this would be like, but it had turned out even better, not that you were surprised.

Once he'd gone soft, Joel separated himself from you, rolling onto his back with a satisfied sigh, and you rolled onto your side to face him.

"This feels backwards," he said quietly after noticing and turning to face you too. "But would you like to go out on a date with me next weekend?”

You laughed. “Yes, I’d love to.”

“Good,” he said swiftly. “Cause I don’t want to leave this here.”

"Me neither.”

"I shoulda taken you out first, though.”

"I'm the one who started it," you argued as he reached out and rubbed your cheek with a thumb. You leaned into his touch, enjoying the sweet, unassuming affection.

"That is true." You were cupping his cheek with your left hand so you felt it when the edges of his mouth tugged back into a grin.

"I don't have any regrets," you told him. "You?"

"I'd be crazy to say I do, sweetheart," Joel replied. "It would be more than a little white lie. I haven't thought about being with someone like this in a long time, almost forgot why I like it so much. You've really jogged my memory."

You snorted at that and draped an arm over his chest. "Can you stay for a while?"

"Still got a few hours before that movie ends," Joel said, pulling you even closer. "I could use a nap if you set an alarm."

"Gladly," you told him, reaching over to the nightstand for your alarm. After you were finished with the task, he dragged you back into his embrace and you both fell asleep just like that, in the comfort of each other’s warmth.

It was the first of many nights that would end that way for you both.

xxx

Tagged: @harriedandharassed

xxx

Main Masterlist

#The Last Of Us (HBO)#TLOU Fanfic #Joel Miller Fanfic #X Reader #Pedro Pascal Character Fanfic #Fanfiction #Mine

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megumi-fm · 6 months

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16th - 20th October || 86 to 90 days of 100 150dop

hi besties! it's been a while since i updated on here properly. there was kind of an infestation issue but now it's all flushed out and I'm back! i've decided to upgrade my days of productivity challenge to 150 total days because i have 40 days of uni remaining (as well as additional exam days) and I wanted to note all of them down and wrap it up in this challenge itself. I'm also gonna start adding memes and random non-productivity updates, just so I feel more motivated to actually post stuff, instead of procrastinating and clubbing too many days at once.

🎶: Hayloft II by Mother Mother 🔉: MAG053 The Crusader

💌: today I am grateful for music! i've been in a funk recently, but my playlists has really been helping me through it <3

my main focus for the past few days and especially today (20th Oct) has been to complete an assignment on 3D bioprinting and it's relevance in drug testing. I've done a lot of research and learnt a lot of interesting things, but my interest has also led me to getting too distracted and not actually wrapping up the project. I really hope I finish it by tonight, I like how it's looking so far.

i spent yesterday (19th Oct) with my cousins and my sister, I took them to this gaming arcade and babysat them for the day. they seemed to have a good time, I enjoyed a day out of the house as well. we spent so much time there, I managed to upgrade the game card to a gold tier :P we also had taco bell for lunch <3

the day before that (18th Oct) I spent a couple hours on my week3 neuroscience lectures. the concepts are comparatively challenging to understand, so i sat through them many times, I'm yet to make notes for them

on Tuesday (17th Oct) I had extra classes (booo it was the most boring time ever) and a dentist appointment after, so I couldn't really get much done. the dental clinic was just a kilometer or two away from home, so I just walked back, taking pictures of the greenery on the way

i didn't have uni on Monday (16th Oct) so I ended up waking up late but i did clean my room and chart out a work plan the weeks until this semester ends. I've been trying to follow it best I can but oh well, things keep popping up from time to time

in the midst of this I'm in the midst of massive nationwide cricket fever (the world cup is going on and we're doing really well! we've won every match we played so far!) It's also festival time here so I have holidays this week (we don't celebrate at home but my friends call me home and I get to partake with them so it's really nice). And this is coupled with my insane levels of consumption of The Magnus Archives Podcast 24/7 xD. Additionally, I have quite a chunk of AI-ML work to get done by this week (SGD and XBoost model development) and I don't know the first thing about it or where to even start so I'm kind of avoiding it for the moment. Hoping to start that once I'm done with this 3d bioprinting presentation. Fingers crossed!

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pbandjesse · 2 months

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My allergies are kicking off and I am exhausted. I had wanted to participate in house projects with James this evening but instead I have just been. Stuck here on the couch. Firstly I was freezing. Then I was just. So tired. Ugh. I will try to go to bed earlier tonight.

I didn't even sleep poorly. I would get woken up a few times. James pulled a lot of our blankets over themselves away from me. And I was cold. But it was fine. I was not thrilled about waking up but I was fine. I laid with James for a few extra minutes. But I would get up and things would be okay.

I asked James to make the bed with the. Blanket turned side ways so that we would have more length across both of us. And I hope that that works.

I would get dressed and felt okay. I really loved how my hair looked last night but of course it wasnt the same when I woke up. I sort of got it to a place I liked but I was still struggling today. I don't know what's up with me but I'm trying to be kinder to myself.

I left here earlier then I thought I would. I got a good hug from James before I left. And I got to see the pretty pink trees outside our house. Our tree hasn't bloomed yet and I'm curious what kind of tree it is. There seems to be a few of the pinks and them the rest may be the same kind but I do not know what kind they are. It will be fun to see how the neighborhood looks in different seasons.

I had a really nice drive to camp. No traffic at all. I listened to an album I loved when I was 12. And was just in a good mood.

I stuck to my morning plan and went to sweep top bar. Which took about a half hour. I flipped some mattresses and tried to make it look nice. And then I went to the office to go have my breakfast.

I would watch a TikTok that made me cry. About a girl and her dad having a really powerful connection over one specific song and he just passed away and it was just. A lot. I did not want to be teary when other people came in so I had to pull myself together.

Sarah would come in a little after 9. She had her own breakfast and we would start attacking our list of chores for the open house.

While Sarah would go work on cleaning the fort, I would design some table signs and then laminate then. The laminator did not work amazing but I ran all my signs through it twice. And headed out into the world.

I went over to the pioneers first and cleaned up the fire pit area. Moved the grill back in place. Fold red d the blue tarp. Picked up trash. It looks better. I also fixed a part of the fence and I think it looks good.

I would go and set up tables in the lodge. And clean the bathrooms. I was getting a lot done.

I started cleaning the signs outside. But I am short and could only reach half way. Which looked very funny. I got a lot of the green stuff off of the bottom halves though. And we would go with the gator later and I would stand on the back and we were able to reach two of the 4 signs.

I would go find Sarah in the fort. She was finishing up sweeping. I would help sweep the bathroom and we would finish up pretty easy.

We drove the gator to the Alaskans. I worked on the bathrooms while she swept. We had an excellent divide and conquer system and we got so much accomplished.

I would go over to tipis and picked up some stuff and tried to make it look nice. And since we were going to have our lunch break next anyway I texted Sarah I would meet her at the office. And I went for a little walk.

I walked down to the Glen to see if any of the frog eggs looked like anything yet. But nope. Still just dots. I'll keep checking. I want to see the tadpoles in there.

I continued the walk and went through and found some mushrooms and things and it was great. Just a really lovely walk.

I would have my lunch and me and Sarah both agreed we were so tired. So we took a long break before we would do anything else.

While I had my little break I would eat and watch videos. I did some research about cabinet colors to match with our pink wall. It was nice.

We would go back out and finished our last tasks. Used the gator as a ladder and cleaned the signs. We finished moving some beds. And I was proud of us for all of the hard work. We had lots of laughs driving around on the gator. It was a beautiful day. And even if I am feeling really self conscious I was still having a lot of fun.

We decided to go visit the horses. I hadn't met the new horse. And he is so sweet. We walked through the very muddy field and said hello to everyone. Have lots of pets and cuddles. And when we got to the bottom of the hill we saw a school bus pull up. And it was Aubrey! And she climbed the fence and starts walking and we're just standing there waving. And she finally noticed us and we were all laughing. We would tease eachother and walked up to her house together. She's a good kid.

We would head back to the office and checked in with Alexi about everything we accomplished. And it was nice that she was really happy with us and that made me feel nice. There was some stuff we couldn't do. Like putting the tent back together at homestead. But we did so much and I'm very proud of us.

Heather would ask me to design a job flyer. We need ropes specialists and apparently we are struggling to find them. I had fun making it and Heather would go in and change some of the copy which was fine with me, mine was mostly a place holder. We did laugh really hard when we realized that I wrote "flaying squirrel" instead of "flying squirrel" oops. Flaying a squirrel would be a good camp skill though probably.

I finished that up and when Heather said she was happy with it I was like. Okay! I'm going home! I will see you all on Sunday!

And I headed right home. It was a pretty good drive back, some traffic. Some people driving stupid. But I got home at 430 and got a pretty good parking spot.

When I got inside James wasn't home yet. I would bring the mail in. I closing s random Amazon package of pens? That neither of us ordered?? Very weird.

I went to put away some stuff. And found a jewelery box on the kitchen island with a necklace from James. That was originally supposed to be a Christmas gift but had gotten lost. But they found it and I was so happy. It's so sparkly.

I would go upstairs to take some photos of my possible outfits for Uganda. Which I'm still pretty unsure about but I'm getting clearer I think. And waited for James to come home.

When they got home they would play one round of their football video game. And then jumped right into tasks. I was kind of falling apart though. I got cuddled up on the couch and told James about the day. And they made me dumplings for dinner.

They would work on hanging the art I laid out some the shelf in the living room. And they got a lot of that done before the drill died and needed to be charged.

They would jump into painting the stairwell. And I would just be a little potato on the couch. But James said it was fine and just asked for my input when they needed it.

Now they are finishing up the hanging of pieces in the living room and it looks great. I'm so excited for how everything is coming together.

Now though I think I want to get a shower and get ready to sleep. Tomorrow I am hoping to go to thrift stores and possibly get the wood to build my skinny bookshelf. But we will see how the day unfolds. I just hope I can feel peaceful.

I have been feeling kind of stressed because I feel pulled in so many directions. Like I'm finally feeling better and so now it feels like everyone wants me to be doing everything and I just cannot. I need to be alone and I don't want to hurt my more extroverted friend's feelings. But man. I am tired inside. Walking around alone at camp today helped a lot. And I hope tomorrow helps too.

Sleep well everyone. I love you all. Goodnight

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kuleana--does-anyone-care · 3 months

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capstone update #1

TO REITERATE: I'm planning to produce a 30-min documentary film.

Hello, I'm finally here to update my blog! I meant to do this last week, but didn't... I was struggling to wrap my head around this project and what I'll be doing this semester.

I think I'm a little crazy for taking this on. Sometimes it feels like too much, but I certainly won't be quitting.

My first reality check was trying to populate the workback plan. It was a necessary step, but so difficult. I had to come back to it a few times to get it sorted out. I always feel like I'm overlooking something when I'm planning out a project, and I've never tried to produce something of this magnitude before. But I sat down with my workback plan again tonight and finally have it in good shape. Coming back to it has helped me process what I'll need to do, and I feel pretty certain now that I'm not forgetting anything. I also recreated my workback plan in Notion, because I don't think I'll be able to stay on track if I only look at it on Google Sheets. (The formatting... the lack of color-coding and other viewing modes... Nah, homie, I can't. TwT) I also gave myself dates to complete things by. I know I can work to a deadline, and now I have a ton of them. Isn't that fantastic!

Anyway, I'm really happy with my organization on this project now that I have all my tasks thought out, written down, and with dates. The tricky part now will be keeping the Google Sheet updated according to the Notion.

Right now I have a bunch of tasks marked as "in progress." There's so much I need to do in the next two weeks, mostly making lists of people and Instagram accounts to reach out to. I already follow a lot of accounts but I have not created a master list for myself to keep track of them all. Once I have my list, I can start drafting up messages to send to them, asking if they might want to participate in my doc, or could put me in connection with people who would. I'm kind of worried that I don't have much to show for myself, a presence, or a reason why they should trust me, that kind of thing. But I'll try it anyway.

I also need to draft emails/ send texts/ make phone calls to people I know, who said in one way or another that they might be able to lend a voice to my project. Cast out a bunch of lines and see if I get any bites. 🎣

Another thing is, I want to find videos on YouTube and Vimeo of the ʻOnipaʻa Peace March that happened a couple weeks ago. I wasn't able to go myself, but I'd really like to incorporate footage of it into my film. Maybe someone would be willing to let me use a few of their shots. If not a person, maybe one of the local news outlets. I also need to do some research. I have a playlist of some news clips about the Red Hill water crisis from when I made my 5-minute piece about it in Fall '22. But there have been updates since then, and I need to collect even more. I'm not 100% sure what or how much I'll do with it yet. But my creative process is 'collect all the stuff, look at and absorb it all, ???, get vision, create the vision'... so step one is gathering more things. :)

Also want to find more PDFs. Last semester, I found some studies and national news articles about Red Hill, pollution by the Navy/ issues similar to what's happening here, but my research topic was persuasion, so I spent the vast majority of my time on that. There's definitely more out there, and I want to find it because I'm thinking of using scans/ screenshots in my film.

Oh, and I'm planning to request titles from ʻUluʻulu by 2.16. Gonna try my absolute best to stay on top of the deadlines I've set for myself. LONG POST: FINITO!!!

#hawaii #documentary #film #red hill #water pollution #environment #nature #sustainability #water #land use #land ownership #uhwo #uhwo acm #uhwoacm #capstone

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nancywheeeler · 10 months

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#1 for "believe in me as i believe in you" (obviously), #8, #17, and #18 for the fic writer asks!

1: Share a song that makes you think of "believe in me as i believe in you"

definitely the song i stole the fic's title from, "tonight, tonight" by the smashing pumpkins! as i joke in my author's note, the song is a colin hughes's song if you either don't think about it too much or if you think about it way too hard. i am obviously in the second camp. i also joke about "i want to get better" by bleachers in the tags of the fic, but honestly? great colin/michael nolastname song (i didn't know i was lonely 'til i saw your face)

8: What project(s) are you currently working on?

several! i'm currently finishing up my first yellowjackets fic and i'm excited to post it. i also started drafting the second work in what i am calling my "ted lasso, by any other sport" series. have been learning a lot about hockey in the last few weeks. there's some exchange stuff i'm working on, too, that i have to be hush-hush about and a fic that if i finish, i will most certainly be publishing anonymously (which would make it my second anon fic of the year! here is to the embarrassing fixations we keep even from tumblr!)

17: What’s something you’ve learned about while doing research for a fic?

oooh, okay. so my next big multi-chapter fic i've been letting marinate in a google docs folder is taking place in mid-80s Boston and i've learned, among many things about the music scene there, tracy chapman used to busk at harvard square and on red line platforms while she was attending tufts.

18: What’s one of your favorite lines you’ve written in a fic?

i'm going to go with a line from my most recent fic, love-all, especially since i was asking this myself today while playing tennis: It speaks to a question he has never been able to answer: do sports breed masochists or did masochists invent sports?

fan fic writer asks!

#ask #thank you laura!!#a colin hughes playlist might be in order #but that might also mean having to listen to drake

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pub-lius · 3 years

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ACTUALLY Hardcore Facts About Alexander Hamilton

Alright, take two.

I've already typed this entire thing out once, so this is likely going to be a lot more lazy than anything else I will ever post, so :).

Sources: Alexander Hamilton by Ron Chernow; John Laurens and the American Revolution by Gregory D. Massy; The Federalist by Alexander Hamilton; George Washington's Indispensible Men by Authur S. Lefkowitz; Lafayette by Harlow Giles Unger; Who Was Alexander Hamilton? by Pam Pollack and Meg Belviso

Hamilton wished for a war when he was like a baby. So if you know Hamilton, you know that one line where Hamilton says "As a kid of the Carribean, I wished for a war, I knew that I was poor, I knew it was the only way to rISE UP-" in Right Hand Man. Well, that line is based off of a letter Hamilton sent to his childhood bestie, Edward Stevens: "...Ned, my ambition is [so] prevalent that I... would willingly risk my life, tho' not my character, to exalt my station... I'm no philosopher, you see, and may be jus[t]ly said to build castles in the air... I shall conclude by saying I wish there was a war. Alex. Hamilton." Okay, dude, calm down, you're like two years old. I think he was actually like 14-16, but for dramatic purposes we'll say he was an actual infant (do I sound like Chernow?). But I hate how much this letter foreshadows. It's like he jinxed himself, its almost embarrassing.

Hamilton ran a business at 14. Now if you've ever been fourteen and you were like "i think i feel like running a business" literally shut up no one asked. I think this is impressive. When Hamilton was at least 14, the guys the owned Beekman and Cruger (it had a different name by this time but this one sounds cooler) just dipped and left Hamilton in charge. This was actually a pretty good decision, since Hamilton managed it well. There was also this one time where Hamilton told a whole captain of a ship who didn't perform up to standard, "Reflect continually on the unfortunate voyage you have just made and endeavor to make up for the considerable loss therefrom accruing to your owners." This man was so arrogant I wish I had his confidence. Yeah that was cool ig, but if I met teenage-Hamilton, I'd literally hate him.

Hamilton saved the president of his college. Ever the dramatic, Hamilton had a thing for suppressing mobs (though he was pretty much never successful). There was this one time at King's College where a mob formed to "talk" with the president of the university, Dr. Myles Cooper (by "talk" i mean make him into a tory bird). And, according to Who Was Alexander Hamilton? (this book gives me so much joy), "Alexander vowed to protect him [aww]... He stood up to the crowd, telling them that violence would only hurt their cause. He couldn't stop the crowd, but he delayed them long enough for Dr. Myles Cooper to escape in his nightgown," (Pollack and Belviso 27-29). This is a really sweet description of it, but Hamilton was probably calling the mob a bunch of insults and stuff, judging by how he later handled riots. Also, Cooper thought Hamilton was rallying the mob, so he was a complete jerk to Hamilton, but rightfully. Everyone, bully Hamilton. He's short and dead like an idiot.

Hamilton was really cool on the battlefield, don't @ me. Now, despite being a clumsy little gremlin and an absolute dork, Hamilton was a pretty good leader, and I guess veterans deserve to be recognized for their victories or whatever. At the battle of Princeton, one of my favorites, Hamilton had very big, cool guns, and did some cool stuff. "Returning to the final phase of the battle of Princeton, British infantry took refuge inside Nassau Hall, the building that housed the College of New Jersey. American artillery commanded by Capt. Alexander Hamilton [ya boy] was brought to bear on the college building... Washington was on the scene and noticed this young artillery officer who skillfully commanded his gun battery. The general would soon invite Hamilton to become one of his aides-de-camp," (Lefkowitz 92). Wow so cool moving on to Yorktown.

When the Americans were building their fortifications, two British fortifications were in the way. So rude. Consequently, Washington sent The Gay Trio, Lafayette, Laurens, and Hamilton, to uh, silence them. Hamilton pulled off a successful sneak attack, and won the battle swiftly, leading to the American victory in the battle of Yorktown, and therefore the war. "...Colonel Hamilton['s] well known talents and gallantry were on this occasion most conspicuous and serviceable. Our obligations to him, to Colonel Gimat [stan], to Colonel Laurens, and to each and all the officers are above expression..." -Major General Marquis de Lafayette. Lafayette is so nice I would marry him if he was alive and single and legal and not old as hell. Like omg he gave credit to everyone but himself that's so nice I'm such a simp for Lafayette. Anyway, Hamilton was cool too ig.

Hamilton caused the evacuation of Philadelphia like an iDIOT. So, after Brandywine (British victory), Washington sent Hamilton on a foraging mission in Vally Forge to get flour, horseshoes, and tomahawks (not quite as exciting as Yorktown). Well, our clumsy ginger rat got caught, and wrote to the president of Congress, John Hancock, "If Congress have not yet left Philadelphia, they ought to do it immediately without fail, for the enemy have the means of throwing a party [party rockers in the house tonight] this night into the city. I have just now crossed the valley-ford [Valley Forge], in doing which a party of the enemy came down & fired upon us."

Surprise, this turned out not to be the entire goddamn British army, it was just a few scouts sooo... let's just say Philadelphia wasn't happy. "Our Removal from Philad. Was owning to information that General Howe was crossing Schuylkill [River]... However tho' this Intelligence was from one of the General's family (Alexander Hamilton) it was not well founded & we wish we had not left Philad.," -James Duane. Yeeeaaahhh, that's awkward. Not the best way to get your name known in the capital, I must say.

Hamilton was possibly bisexual, and this is hardcore because I say so. Now, I'll add more quotes to this later, but basically heres my interpretation of the historical evidence and whatnot. Basically, Hamilton was a really closed off, cynical guy, since like everyone he ever loved died or left him pretty much, and he wasn't really the type to make and keep close friends; "...how little dependence is to be placed on treaties, which have no other sanction than the obligations of good faith, and which oppose general considerations of peace and justice to the impulse of any immediate interest or passion," (Federalist 64); It is a known fact in human nature, that its affections are commonly weak in proportion to the distance or diffusiveness of the object," (Federalist 73). Um, Mr. Hamilton? You're projecting your trauma on the government again.

Also, despite working with him for like twenty years, Hamilton really never got close to Washington, like at all. He even said to Laurens, "I have no friendship for him and have professed none," in regards to Washington, which is kind of mean. But he ALSO told Laurens:

"Cold in my professions, warm in my friendships, I wish, my dear Laurens, it m[ight] be in my power by action rather than words [to] convince you that I love you. I shall only tell you that till you bade us adieu, I hardly knew the value you had taught my heart to set upon you. Indeed, my friend, it was not well done. You know the opinion I entertain of mankind and how much it is my desire to preserve myself free from particular attachments and to keep my happiness independent of the caprice of others. You s[hould] not have taken advantage of my sensibility to ste[al] into my affections without my consent."

*mocking Hamilton* its YOUR fault that i love you and it was RUDE that you FORCED me to love you how DARE you you SUCK i love you uwu.

Also, at the top of that letter, someone mysterious (probably Hamilton's son) wrote, "I must not publish the whole of this," and Massey still thinks Hamilton was straight.

But yeah, that's about it. I had originally written more at the beginning, but I unfortunately lost the original draft, so I'll just settle for this. I hope you enjoyed, though, and maybe learned something or found a quote you needed or something. I did more research than I wanted to in one sitting for this, so appreciate it or I'll cry. Thanks love you <3

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tcportfoliomgj · 3 years

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Wednesday, 9th of June, 2021

"There is really nothing so good for thinking, for clearing your mind, for acquiring fresh, unexpected thoughts than crossing the borders of your homeland." - Jeroen Lutters

So today is the day. Well, technically tomorrow, but I have to hand this portfolio in at 8:00, so that basically means I have to finish and hand it in tonight. Things are a little chaotic. I think I've covered most of the competencies and such, but I still need to do a part of creativity, collaboration and professional challenges. I need to do critical thinking as well (though it's already woven in some other posts too), but I'll do that in another post.

At the start of the year, we had to do a PC with our learning teams. This meant I had to do it with Nynke and Marije. We decided to focus on the ideal classroom and wanted to make a 'guide' for other teachers. I must admit, we didn't always take it that seriously and I would do things differently now. Later, Stijn joined the team and he was able to really add something to our project even though he joined near the end. Our final product was a Padlet (appendix 23), something that I would certainly change if I had to do it now. It's not bad, especially not for a first PC, but I think I would prefer to have a booklet, a neater webpage or a more brochure-like product. Still, I learned a lot from it. I did the research for it and got to practice using databanks and such.

My second PC however, is a lot better in my opinion. It's not finished yet, but I think we might continue this project next year. I worked with Joyce, Marije, Kimberly, Dominique and Eva. Ton was our coach and Bert Wienen our 'client'. But let's take it back to the beginning...

One day, the girls and I started talking about something that was said in a webinar. It was about teachers and whether or not they should also help students with personal problems. At some schools, they keep those things strictly separate. The teacher does the teaching, and everything else is done by other professionals. We found this a little shocking. Sure, teachers aren't psychologists and I don't think they should ever try to be. However, a student's personal life can affect their academic life, so shouldn't we as teachers be there for them to lend an ear and support them? We started questioning what we heard and what we already knew. Pretty soon, the idea formed to make this our PC, but we didn't really know how yet.

We worked on the basics first, like making a group contract (appendix 24) in which we decided on some rules concerning our behaviour, et cetera. Then through Ton, we got in contact with Bert Wienen, as we needed a 'client' for our professional challenge. I've mentioned Bert before, because of his research. I was a bit apprehensive about working with him, because of what he had written and of what he had said in a lecture, but I did want to give it a chance. Together with Ton, we had a brainstorming session. We decided that we could definitely work with Bert, but that we didn't have to focus on labels and diagnoses. We wanted to keep it more general than that because being an involved teacher that coaches also means you want to help everyone with personal problems, not just the ones who are labelled with a certain 'problem'.

We started talking to Bert and quickly came to the conclusion that we already know a lot about what teachers think, but that it's just as important to know what students think. Eventually, we decided that we would conduct preliminary research to help Bert with his research. We wanted to interview students of different ages and focus on student voice. Perception isn't always the same as reality, but it does show us how people experience reality. In fact, the perceptions of students form their views of education and influence their behaviour (Quaglia & Corso, 2017). Because it was preliminary research, we didn't have to worry about all the technicalities. This way, Bert really gave us the opportunity to focus on the interviews.

We made a design canvas (appendix 25) together and started preparing the student interviews. We wrote a project plan (appendix 26), with me taking the lead since I had already had a semester of Project Management when I studied Global Project & Change Management. We also created an interview guideline (appendix 27). This way, we can draw a conclusion from open conversations because in every conversation we have recurring questions. Kimberly and Dominique conducted the interviews on VO, while Joyce did it on PO. We are currently in the process of transcribing all the interviews and we haven't really decided what our final product will be, but we will after the portfolio deadline. We think the conclusion will be that not all students need a teacher to take on a coaching role, but they often do appreciate it. The close proximity of a safe haven isn't the most important, but the knowledge of there being one (Stevens & Bors, 2013, p. 77). We also plan on continuing with this PC next year. Hopefully, we'll be able to take the next steps in our research.

I would say our PC has gone pretty smoothly so far. We communicate quite well and are very honest with each other. We created a space in Microsoft Teams so we could easily share files and work in documents together. Setting up a team collaboration environment can be encouraging and makes it easy to work on a project together (Horine, 2017). We decided that we'd use Whatsapp for daily interactions. Face to face would've been an ideal way to communicate, but because of the pandemic, this was a bit hard. Near the end of the academic year, we were able to work on campus and talk face to face, which made things a lot easier. We used Teams video calls when we weren't able to meet on campus and also to organise meetings with Bert. We'd email him whenever we needed to update him on the project.

I would definitely describe our project group as a 'high-performing team', as Horine (2017) calls it. He says that high-performing teams have a core set of traits. The first trait is clarity. Teams need to know where they are going, what they are going and how they are doing it. I think we had a very clear plan and stuck to it quite well. High-performing teams also show commitment. As a group, we all felt very responsible for this project and wanted to go the extra mile, we were definitely invested and willing to put in the time. According to Horine (2017), the team should also be professional. The members take responsibility and do the assigned work. I think that we, as a team, did handle things professionally. Of course, we would joke here and there, but when we had to get down to business we were always able to get into that mindset. Then there is synergy, the fourth trade. I think this took a while for us, but after some weeks we really started to understand what worked well and who could do what. We started to really use our talents and performed really well as a team. Lastly, there is trust. Trust is of course earned over time, but I think we got to a good level of trust quite quickly. We were honest and open, this way we were able to discuss minor problems and easily work through them. All in all, I think we did really well as a team, and I'm quite proud of us and of our work. I definitely think we showed some courage because interviewing students about a topic like this isn't easy. We focussed on a very relevant topic however and we were very persistent. Sometimes things took a while to move forward, but we never gave up. Something we could improve on might be our focus on a final product, taking more risks and being more self-aware so we could use our talents a little more than we already did.

However, there were also some creative journeys and processes this year that didn't go that well at all. An example of this is the documentary we had to make for Art Based Learning. I wanted to do this alone and my first idea was to make a satirical documentary on the Dutch pluriform society. However, I was very behind on a lot of the work and I tend to be a little impulsive and sporadic. At one point I changed my topic to menstruation because I thought it would be cool to take a taboo topic and turn it into an awesome documentary. But it wasn't easy. I'm not the most structured person, and I easily get stuck during projects because of the simple step by step process. When I think I'm stuck or can't do something, I just block all my motivation to keep going and sometimes give up quite easily. It's not unusual for people with ADHD to struggle with going through a process (Regelink, 2020). Eventually, I was so behind on all the assignments that I decided to admit that I was struggling. I think it's important to not see it as giving up. Admitting that you need help or aren't very good at something can be very hard. Bart very kindly took me under his wings and asked me to join his documentary. He was doing it on a very personal topic but needed someone to conduct research to support his work. I quite like doing research so I was very happy with the job. I found him some news articles and went through government reports for him, highlighting all the relevant information. I will say, I still very much see it as Bart's documentary. Also because he is telling a personal story. I only helped him with the research for it.

I think the beautiful thing about Bart's documentary is that he opens up to all of us to simply tell his own story. His story is not representative of all adopted kids in the world of course, but he also doesn't try to do that. He just tells his own story, while also being aware of the other perspectives out there. The documentary shows multiple sides of a very complex and heavy subject and Bart is respectful of all sides too. His documentary gives to stuff to think about. What's good or bad isn't decided, things just are the way they are, with all the experiences that come with it. He gives you space to just let it all wash over you, you can think about it, take a little while and then form your own opinion. Bart's experience with adoption is not related to the government reports on adoption, but because he still involves it in his documentary you can see that the topic is way bigger than just Bart's story. And still, it's his documentary, his story. It's storytelling in such a beautiful and cool way. Everyone can learn and grow from it.

Another assignment that didn't go too well was the final paper for VMT3 (a history course I took for 'vakinhoudelijke onderwijseenheid'). The course itself went really well. Bas, our lecturer, uses the SALT method, where you basically have an assessment every week instead of at the end of a course. This way, you keep up with the theory learned. Most students start cramming right before an exam, but all that knowledge is very easily lost because of the forgetting curve. Students cram but they never get back to it (Van der Meijden, 2021). I did really well during the weekly oral assessments. I thoroughly enjoy history and I loved Bas' lectures, but VMT3 was only worth 4 EC's, so we had to end it with a final assignment to get to the 5 EC's that we needed. Bas gave us two options, we could either write about the SALT method or write a guide to revolution, using the French Revolution as your example. I chose the latter but my planning wasn't very good. Bas even gave me an extra week, but I wasn't able to finish it. I decided to let it go and hand in my unfinished work (appendix 28) because I had to move on. I'm not very proud of it, especially because I know I can do better and really wanted to do better. We haven't gotten our feedback yet, but Bas did tell us that we passed the oral assessments. I think for me this all adds to my learning journey, some (creative) processes go really well, some not so well. But it shows me that I need to work on my planning skills and my self-discipline.

Still, I think I did fairly well this year, and it also shows in the feedback I've received. A lot of student in TC1 wanted to give each other feedback so we decided it would be a good idea to create a platform where we could do this. I made a Padlet (appendix 29) for our year where we all could give each other feedback if we wanted to. Some students didn't really feel the need to join in this, but some really enjoyed the Padlet and found it quite helpful. I definitely enjoyed reading the feedback people wrote for me.

All in all, I think we've all grown a lot this year. With our creative process, our ability to communicate and collaborate, and just as humans in general. I'm proud of us.

🎵 Riptide - Vance Joy

#collaboration #creativity #communication

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