#also the negative self talk... it's so unhealthy! if u start talking positively about yourself and you'll eventually start to believe it

[itsallyscorner]

just like magic with marvel cast, the vibe is----- a perfect song for a lil b*tch with a good heart and a sarcastic mouth

just like magic is the song we ALL need for 2020😌 Start manifesting ya’ll🖤 Also thank you sm for the request I am so so sorry this took so freakin’ long😭 Love u, happy reading🖤🖤 Tried to add my own lil twist to your request:)

(A lil different from the request, but I tried to make the reader have a bit sas.)

💌.

just like magic

Growing up within the Marvel Cinematic Universe was probably one of things you were most grateful for. When you first started out you weren’t that social. You were new to the business, you didn’t know anybody and you were intimidated by every single actor you crossed paths with.

At first you didn’t feel like you fit in. You felt as if you were a burden to everyone else. You barely talked to anyone which made the others approach you out of force by the Russos. Everyone around you was talented while you were just some newcomer who had jack shit as experience. The first few years you were insecure of yourself mentally and physically. You weren’t as pretty or fit as the other women in the MCU nor did your skills live up to theirs. Which led to some unhealthy habits. Plus there were haters and movie critics who would say horrible things about you and your acting.

You had a rocky start unlike Tom Holland and even Lexi Rabe. Until one day when you realized that you had to change how you were thinking. It took you a while but all that negative thinking you were doing was only bringing you negative energy. So when you had a break from filming movies, your number one goal was to improve yourself.

Wake up in my bed, I just wanna have a good day (Mmm, ah)

Think it in my head, then it happens how it should, ayy

Twelve o'clock, I got a team meeting, then a meditation at like 1:30

Then I ride to the studio listening to some shit I wrote (Oh)

You woke up with smile on your face in a sense of calmness. The sun shined bright hues into your room as you got up from your bed. Today was the first day back on set. You guys were finally filming Civil War and you were honestly so excited. As you did your morning routine, you went over how the day would go in your head. You’re genuinely excited to see the entire cast. It has been almost half a year since you’ve seen everyone and you couldn’t wait to be back.

You took one last look at yourself in the mirror. Compared to the previous year, you looked and felt healthy. Your eyes shined and you looked well relaxed. You know like one of those face cleanser commercials? That’s how you felt. You felt like a breath of fresh air.

The ride to the studio took a good 30 minutes but it felt like seconds. You entered the set with a new sense of confidence and pride. The energy was practically radiating off you.

“(Y/n)?” You hear someone call from behind you. You turn around and see Scarlett looking at you.

“Hey!” You greet her as you approach her. You pulled her into a hug, startling her.

“Oh! Hello to you too, honey.” She laughed as she wrapped her arms around you. “How are you?”

“I’m doing great! Life’s been good.” You answer as a toothy grin graces itself on your face. Scarlett’s eyes are filled with shocked. From the previous times she’s talked to you she’s never seen you so loud or open. You were always shy and closed off from everyone on set.

Good karma, my aesthetic (Aesthetic)

Keep my conscience clear, that's why I'm so magnetic

Manifest it (Yeah), I finessed it (I finessed it)

Take my pen and write some love letters to Heaven

Eventually everyone on set caught on to your new attitude. Though they tried to be discreet about their reactions and shocked expressions, you could still see how they were caught off guard by your sudden change of nature.

Anthony watched as you conversed with Elizabeth and Scarlett on the couch in Robert’s “village” . You were probably the most smiliest person in the room beating Evans, who was eating his lunch.

“She’s like different. But in a good way. It’s like she’s bloomed.” Anthony thought out loud to the men beside him. Chris (E) and Sebastian look in your direction.

“Bloomed?” Chris snorted as he swallowed his food.

“Yeah, like she’s growing into a woman.” Anthony hummed proudly as he went back to his own lunch. Sebastian smiled at you, “I think she’s gained some confidence in herself and finally realized how good of a person she is.”

“If she’s finally realized that, I’m glad she did. She’s like a ball of sunshine, it’s adorable.” Chris smiled proudly at you as your hands move around animatedly while explaining some story to the two women in front of you.

“Y’all think it’s a boy?” Anthony wondered. Sebastian rolled his eyes at his friend. Before he can even respond Anthony is calling you over. You approach the men with a smile and take a seat beside Sebastian.

“What’s up?” You greet them. Chris nods at you as he chews on his sandwich. Sebastian greeting you with a quiet “hey”.

“So who’s the lucky man?” Anthony asks teasingly. Your brows knit together head tilting to the side.

“Man?”

“Yes man, or boy, whatever. Who’s got you feelin’ yourself, (y/n).” Anthony wiggles his brows as he shimmies closer to you. Sebastian, who’s in between you two, cringes at the man to his left.

You didn’t take any offense to the question, knowing that everyone was curious as to why you were so unlike yourself.

You chuckled before smirking at the older man, “Anthony, honey. I don’t need a man to be feelin’ myself. I did this on my own.”

Chris and Sebastian’s mouth drop at your answer. Chris laughed as he pointed out Anthony’s face. Sebastian slung an arm around your shoulder bringing you into a side hug as he laughed with Chris.

“To be fair” Chris began to say but started to laugh, “To be fair, you deserved that.” Anthony’s face went flushed as he nodded to himself. You suddenly felt bad that you put him on the spot.

“Alright, stop laughing at him.” You playfully glare at Chris and Seb. You poke Anthony’s arm, “To answer your question, I’ve just been working on myself. Thinking more positively, I even tried manifestation.”

“You know what, that’s good. You’re taking care of yourself mentally and physically. I’m proud of you for doing this for yourself, we all are.” Anthony tells you as he motions to the two other men.

You look at all three of them, all of them looking at you with pride, “Thanks guys.”

Just like magic (Baby), just like magic (Oh yeah)

Middle finger to my thumb and then I snap it

Just like magic (Yeah), I'm attractive (Oh yeah)

I get everything I want 'cause I attract it (Oh)

As the months passed, the more you evolved into another version of you. You walked with determination, carried yourself with such grace and you’ve gained confidence in your career. You didn’t let your insecurities get to you, instead you faced them and overcame them. You were tired of letting them control you.

Your change in attitude and perspective on life has definitely affected your life in many ways. Manifestation was one of the things that have helped you the most. Writing about your goals and putting that energy out to the world has helped you persevere in your job. You’ve only faced good karma; sending out positive energy and receiving it back from the universe.

So far you’ve been casted in two new projects and have a campaign lined up with Gucci. If you were told a year ago that you’d be working with big time directors and freakin’ Gucci, you wouldn’t have believe them. Life has been unreal ever since you decided to change your life around. But of course you had to thank your Marvel family, without them and their support you probably wouldn’t haven gotten to where you were today.

Looking at my phone, but I'm tryna disconnect it (Oh yeah)

Read a fuckin' book, I be tryna stay connected (Yeah)

Say it's tricky at the top, gotta keep a slim ego for a thick wallet

Losing friends left and right, but I just send 'em love and light (Oh)

As many people recognized your success many people still tried to pull you down. Some fans on social media have noticed your change in behavior and have even praised you for practicing self care. While others still tried to push you off the mountain of success you were currently on and drag you across the ground.

These were the reasons as to why you were barely on your phone anymore. You used to be invested in your phone but after realizing how much negativity it brought you, you’ve decided to slowly disconnect from it. Which led you to becoming more interested into books.

Chris (E) had even brought some of his favorite arts of literature for you to borrow. You were currently on your third book of his, Sapiens A Brief History of Humankind by Yuval Noah Harari. You were sitting outside your trailer in a fold up chair under the shade. Your peacefulness was interrupted by Tom (Holland) who had a worried expression on his face.

“Have you not seen it yet?” He asked you as soon as he was in front of you. Being the two most youngest actors on the current set, you guys were closer to each other than with the adults.

“Seen what, Tommy?” You put a finger in between the pages you were reading to save your spot. Tom pulls his phone out and began to type. He tapped on his screen and turned the screen to you.

“She’s been talking crap about you for days.” You read the article and saw that one of your “friends”, Sabrina has been speaking out about your success and how it’s changed you as a person.

“She’s going off about how the more money you get in your wallet, the more bratty and arrogant you become.” He grumbled as he turned his phone off.

“I could care less, honestly. I know I haven’t done anything to her and if I did I was unaware of it. Plus, she stopped talking to me after I said I couldn’t get her a part in a movie.” You shrugged as you placed a proper bookmark in the book.

“You’re not upset?”

“I mean it’s sad that she’s acting so two faced. But if that’s how she wants to roll, then be my guest. It’s her loss, not everyone has great taste.” You flicked a piece of hair away from your face with your hand.

“You’re not gonna release a statement against her?”

“No, probably just wish her well with her life and move on with my own.” You answered much to Tom’s dismay.

Redesign your brain, we gon' make some new habits

Just like magic (Just like magic), just like magic

Filming has officially ended a few months ago and now you guys were doing press tour for Civil War. Before you were the new and improved version of yourself, you dreaded press tours. Some interviewers were nice and respectful, but there were those who would ask inappropriate questions and were just rude in general. All you could remember during those past tours was wanting to leave those rooms as soon as possible.

The q&a panel at New York had a packed room. There were many journalist crowded in the room shoulder to shoulder. You were sat in between Elizabeth and Scarlett, two of the women who have been guiding you and teaching you about life as a woman in the business. They were also like your older sisters.

The panel had been going smoothly for the first half hour until a man with a snobby face and cocky demeanor approached the mic.

“Hello, I’m Keith and my question’s for (y/n).” He began. You nodded in his direction, motioning for him to continue.

“I think everyone’s noticed how you’ve changed and developed as a person. Obviously something’s changed in your life. So I want to know if you’ve had any intimate relationships with any of the men in the cast?” You were surprised at the man’s question. First it was bold of him to ask such a question and second it was just disrespectful to you and the others on the cast.

“I mean someone’s gotta be fucking you good to make you crawl out your shell.” The man finished shrugging nonchalantly. Robert was about to interject but your mouth was quicker than his. The men of the cast were disgusted at the man while they sat at the edge of their seats.

“Well last time I checked my contract, my job was to act, not sleep around with the men who are part of these movies.” You spoke into the mic. All the attention was on you while the room was at a standstill.

“It’s also very upsetting that you think a girl needs to be fucked in order to be confident in herself. I hate to break it to you but women are completely capable of turning their lives around without the help of men and that says a lot about you, sir. So if I were you, I’d take myself back to my seat and rethink my life because if one of us has to redesign our brains it’s you.” You finished as you placed your mic on your lap. The room was silent until the cast began to clap. This was your first time standing up for yourself, usually Robert or Scarlett would swoop in and save you but this time, you were saving yourself.

You shook your head as you blushed, shoving your head in your hands. You felt some pats on the backs and cheers from your dysfunctional family. You look up and see Scarlett and Elizabeth smiling at you proudly.

“Isn’t she amazing?” Robert asked the crowd as he hugged you. The crowd cheering you on.

Just like magic, your life felt like a dream come true, knowing that you were worth it and enough for the people around you and for yourself.

#marvel #mcu #avengers #chris evans #chris evans x reader #Sebastian Stan #sebastian stan x reader #anthony mackie x reader #Anthony Mackie #Scarlett Johansson #Scarlett Johansson x reader #marvel cast x teen!reader #marvel cast x reader #ally’s 700 celebration #ally’s requests

[suffering-with-fiery]

Rune translations and Bottom theories (I did my best!) (: It's long! I mean REALLY REALLY REALLY LONG!!!! You've been warned. (Potential TWs below the cut) yeah Hyoga doesn't have a good time here.

I should probably start calling Hyoga "Hyouga" instead since I'm pretty sure it's spelled with a 'U'... but I probably won't. Apologies.

Bottom English translation by Tackmyn Y! (I can't speak Japanese, again, apologies, though I was able to make my own version of Autophagy)

Potential TWs (I dont want to harm anyone by going on this rant): Autophagy (medical terms), nightmares, demons tormenting a guy, Hyoga being unhealthy in more ways than one, mentions of death/murder, self esteem issues, mentions of destructive behavior, manipulation, violence.

Yeah, my boy Hyoga ain't having a good time in this theory.

I feel the need to clarify that this is all speculation. So uh. Everything here is just what I've been thinking about since I hopped into this rabbit hole.

Sinfan (I'm not sure what order they go in, it's quite hard to tell):

["Death"

"I"

"Revive"

"Spirit"

"I"

"Something with shape"]

I'm not fully sure what "something with shape" means, but there's a possibility that Sinfan could be referring to Hyoga, (a doll/wax figure) or maybe that Sinfan needs something with a shape to be able to exist. Sinfan could need a vessel to stay on the mortal plain and go undetected while staying alive.

Sinfan needs a vessel. And with that thought, it launches into indecipherable theory crafting.

Hyoga summoned Sinfan when he was 12 years old. Thinking he found a vessel, he called upon Pabometh, another grey demon, to help torment Hyoga so the two could get their wish.

Hyoga, at the time, is young, dumb and susceptible to manipulation, meaning it could be easy for Sinfan to grasp the situation with an iron grip which follows Hyoga into adulthood.

"Revival" could also be referring to "Rebirth," symbolized by a butterfly. It could also mean that Sinfan/Pabo has the powers to revive people. Maybe as a last resort if they need it.

In Hiiragi Kirai's album trailer on Youtube, Hyoga shows up in a scene with 'D' and 'B' in calligraphy on each cheek. They could mean "Death" and "Birth" respectively.

Lines from Autophagy:

"I just wants a peaceful life." Likely means Hyoga wants the demons gone so he can live how he wants to. (Who wouldn't?)

"The voice inside my head? Huh... how odd." Also implies that the demons are still with him.

"My body pulses, memories from my past bringing pain." Means that in Autophagy, Hyoga remembers his past, but it hurts him.

""You can't avoid it in life, so it's best to just deal with it." You say, but you dont seem bothered." Is most likely Sinfan talking to Hyoga. It could also mean that Hyoga can't avoid the demons, so he should just deal with it.

"I can't stop now, so pretend nothing happened!" Could be Hyoga trying to ignore the demons, or maybe he did something he shouldn't have. (Always knew those were prison tattoos...)

"I want to wash my skull out! I want to say bye bye! But yet I didn't do it..." Could mean that the demons are still with him in Autophagy and likely still tormenting him.

"I won't stop, I can't look back." Might mean Hyoga is trying to move on, but with the demons still in his head, he can't, so the "Let me forget!" after the instrument solo might be him wishing that he never remembered in the first place and trying to get the demons to take them away again.

"Just stay away from me!" Could be Hyoga distancing himself from everyone he knows, or trying to get the demons to go away.

"Hello! HAHAHAHA Hello! HAHAHAHAHA!" Might be Hyoga as he slowly loses his remaining sanity due to constant tormenting and pressure from the demons.

"A A A A- 'Allo/Allow/Arrow" could all imply different things, so I'll give a short on all of them.

"'Allo!" Is just an abbreviation of "Hello."

"Arrow!" -According to a quick google search- is a common symbolism for peace and philosophical ideas, and used for protection and hunting. It could mean that Hyoga just wants peace and quiet, which is enforced by "I just want a peaceful life." in the beginning.

"Allow!" Could mean that the demons are trying even harder to bend him to their will and take him over as a vessel. They want Hyoga to allow them to posses him so they can do whatever they please.

Pabo only has 2 that I can see:

["Nightmare"

"Save (?)ime"]

It might be "time" but I couldn't make out the rune symbol there.

"Nightmare" hardens my thought that Bottom is just a massive nightmare set up by the demons to torment Hyoga, that the song is sung from the perspective of one of the demons (likely Pabo), and that Young Hyoga(tm) in the video is Pabometh playing the part of his repressed/forgotten memories.

This is all assuming the song is, infact, sung by the demons.

Lines from Bottom:

"You're keeping me alive! Today, today, you're killing me!" Could go both ways (Pabo/Sinfan and Hyoga) For Pabo it could just be another variation of the next line I'm about to talk about.

For Hyoga it could mean that he wouldn't be able to function if he didn't have the demons (Sinfan might posses him to make him fit in so nobody notices, keep him from dying from mortal wounds, and he's lived with them so long he might not know what to do without them), but with them he's slowly tearing himself apart from the inside out due to their constant tormenting. Metaphorically or literally is anyone's guess at the moment.

"Autophagy" (his songs name) is a medical term for "self eat" which normally happens when your body is starved, so it eats it's own cells to survive as long as it can. It can also correlate to certain diseases. Autophagy in these terms might also be referring to emotions. It's possible he's been stewing in any sort of negative emotions to cause such effects. (I.E: Guilt, fear, self worth issues,) which could make his resolve weaker, making it easier for Pabo and Sinfan to torment him/possess him. The longer it goes on, the closer he could be to self destructing.

"A wax figure/a doll is keeping me alive/killing me." Is more related to the demons in my eyes. "Wax figure/a doll" is likely referring to Hyoga. Hyoga could be their only tie to the mortal realm, (Sinfan being more prominent because he was summoned first, and by Hyoga himself.)

It could also mean that they need to inhabit his mind/body in order to survive and make it easier to torment Hyoga. If they both are in Hyoga's mind 24/7 while he suffers from nightmares (which cause lack of sleep, keeping his body in a perpetually weak state), no self worth, and a fragile mental state ("I wanna keep you out of my fragile mind!") while he tears himself apart, it would mean it would be harder to stay with him without something happening.

Due to that, it's likely that the very thing keeping them alive and in the mortal realm is also killing them at the same time.

It may be worth mentioning that a line in Bottom is "You think you're a god to me?" while 9lore translated Rinen's (Möbius') tattoo on his chest, which reads "Be still and know that I am god." It could a a coincidence, but I thought I'd mention it just in case (:

Throughout the entire song the demons are mocking and belittling Hyoga. (I.E: "Defying all logic, you're nothing but evil." "You're so stupid! You scumbag, scumbag, scumbag!") Most of the angry rant type of thing happens when Young Hyoga (tm) is on-screen. (It could be a tactic to make Hyoga not want to remember/manipulate his memories/tear down his resolve even more/or just plain upset him.)

"I mean, who, who, who are you?" It's been made clear that for the longest time (according to WOOMA) Hyoga didn't even remember his own name. "Who are you?" might be Pabo trying to get into Hyoga's head and make him question his own sanity.

"What the hell are you to me?" Implies that Pabo also want Hyoga to question why Pabo is here. Sinfan was summoned by Hyoga, but Pabometh was likely summoned by Sinfan to help tear down Hyoga. That means the two don't have much history, and Hyoga most likely doesn't know why Pabo is here for awhile.

It's "you to me" instead of "me to you" so Pabo could also be trying to get Hyoga to try and notice him in a positive way so that the nightmares stop. I'll expand on that some more a few (a lot) of paragraphs down.

"Inside my heart is- such a rage! Such a rage! So I'll grab you, grasp you, and crush you flat!" Is a line I find interesting. It also leads directing into another line; "The symptom of the unforgettable emotion is my burning intent to murder, which is absolutely right." Pabo would likely be talking about Hyoga, which implies that if he could, Pabo would murder Hyoga himself, but since the "wax figure" is needed to keep both him and his accomplice, Sinfan, alive, he can't.

It also implies that Pabo is extremely angry with Hyoga, for a reason I can't particularly pinpoint, except maybe for the fact that Hyoga's becoming more and more unstable and not safe for Pabo and Sinfan. The only problem is, it's Pabo and Sinfans fault he's like that. They're the ones that chose Hyoga as a vessel while simultaneously destroying him.

However, it's possible that Pabo's aim was to devoid Hyoga of anything and everything, (I.E: memories, emotions, etc. etc.) so that he was just that: a vessel. But with Hyoga being so destructive to himself, the whole plan could have gone awry and Pabo's only thought was how furious he was at Hyoga for messing up his chance to be in the mortal realm undetected for good, meaning he wishes he could destroy Hyoga and just get it over with so him and Sinfan could wait until someone else summoned them so they could take advantage of that.

""How deplorable you are! How deplorable you are!"" Is a line that has a chance of Hyoga himself having said it due to it having quotes on it. It also implies that he he could be fighting back, so his resolve might not crushed completely. However, a show of strength like that would likely just enrage Pabometh even more than he already is. It also doesn't help the positive impression he wants Pabo to have of him.

"You're involving yourself with me again like a clingy, clingy neighbor!" Sounds like Pabo, again, insulting Hyoga. If we go off of another part of this fever dream I've cooked up, (Hyoga not knowing what to do without the demons, but with them destroying himself), sounds like Pabo doesn't want to be with Hyoga anymore, going as far as hating him so much he's festering in it.

The "again" makes it sound like Hyoga's tried to communicate with them more than once, being unsuccessful each time. Hyoga could be trying to latch onto them, either to take them down with him or trying to get the nightmares to stop. Like I said, for a while Hyoga could have been trying to get positive attention and make Pabo like him.

"The low-end is going to manipulate me." Could be Pabo addressing that he knows what Hyoga was trying to do and calling him out for it.

"Brimming with momentary anger, rot away quickly, quickly, quickly!" Again, Pabo is talking about his burning hatred for Hyoga.

"I'm always losing! How, how dare you!" Implies that even with all the nightmares and torment, Hyoga has just enough willpower to keep Pabo from getting his wish, angering him even more.

And finally, a line from Autophagy:

"Oh, rise seeds of evil, bursting with malice!" Might be Hyoga finally giving into the demons and becoming their vessel if they take away his painful memories and stop hurting him.

Pentagram:

["-r Guide(A) N(?)E A(?)R"

"The ability to know wh-"

"Grant me the power to be strong in spirit-"

"Grant me the wisdom to understand-"]

With it over Pabo, it's possible that this was the one that summoned Pabo instead of Sinfan, although with it also under Hyoga, it could be Sinfan's. Who knows, it might also be boths.

In the ending scene with the pentagram, the colors of the other songs are visible, meaning that it's possible all of them are connected.

(I could go on for hours about the small loopholes that I think mean all the songs are connected in specific ways. Either way I know they're all from the same universe.)

With all their colors on it, it might mean they all have a demon of their own.

I'm still working slightly on the pentagram, I'll probably keep ya updated if I can find out what the rest of it says (:

If anyone can find the full version (preferably readable) of the pentagram, that'd be lovely (if it even exists)

(If you find more runes in "Bottom" or another Hiiragi song I'd be happy to see if I can translate it (: I'm not very good though, and I can't speak Japanese-)

English translation of Bottom used by: Tackmyn Y (I don't know where you are but you're a lifesaver)

Find any spelling errors, let me know! I'll see if I can fix 'em (:

If you read this far, what're you doing??

Have an absolutely amazing day!!! <3

#hiiragi kirai #wooma #autophagy #runes #translation #theories #fan theory #speculation #v flower #THE WOOMAVERSE #I need a manga anime and Netflix adaptation NOW

[glowdetails]

SOCIAL MEDIA DOES NOT DEFINE YOU💗🍒

buckle up, it’s a long one. like this post so it’s saved for your own reading on days u need it. today i’d like to share a few thoughts about social media, hopefully it will relate to some out there experiencing similar situation.

lowkey, i hate it. everything about it (to me) is a social construct. one of the thing that made me feel this way is because people think social media is everything. sad if you think this is true. people believe that if you post a certain way, or have a cool feed or have an awesome life based on your feed - automatically people assume you are this & that. if you don’t post stuff, still people will assume this/that. whatever you do, people will “assume” something. collectively, i want all of us to STOP assuming. also the need for us to post something because we need validation/acceptance (guilty). which to me, sucks. i want people to know you must do what your heart desires - not for THEM. for you. (if u like it, then YOU GO GIRL) also disclaimer : if u love social media, u do u hun. i’m not discriminating people’s choice at all. this is just personal opinion & choice. we have no rights to judge others for what they like to do.

even though i love social media bc it allows us to connect, share & just allow positivity or shine light for the things that matter. but other than that - i don’t really like it. let me tell you, the moment i started to really reduce my time on insta, twitter (except tumblr lol) - something changed positively. i have nothing against it at all. but i know myself. i know how in my head, it creates unnecessary negative thoughts, self doubt, comparison for myself. and drains my self esteem. so i decided to stop scrolling my insta daily (personal acc). don’t get me wrong, i post usually maybe once or twice a month. but i now try to post what makes ME happy. not what i think people will like. it’s a conscious mindset i had to work within myself. i’ll explain more later on.

some days when i see someone enjoying their best life & just being their perfect selves - i think to myself, “damn why don’t i have this many friends?” “why can’t i just be more like this/that?” “i don’t have enough of this/that” honestly, it’s the worst feeling ever, always doubting & comparing yourself with others. so i asked & interrogate myself with bunch of questions like “why do i feel like this” “what do u think might do to avoid this feeling” “how to stop comparing yourselves with others?” etc.

and i’m finally at a good place where i can say - social media does not do that to me anymore. (not as bad as before at least, i’m getting there!) and i’m here to share some things with you.

💗 WAYS TO HELP YOURSELF : first, you need to ask yourself the hard questions. (like the examples i gave) & investigate yourself. by doing this, u’ll learn and deconstruct your thoughts and really know what the reasons are, understand the root of your problem. and fix it. second, less time on social media. follow the people who inspires you. unfollow people who promotes unhealthy & unrealistic beauty standards. mute or unfollow whoever you feel like is making you feel some sorta way (temporary). third, know that everything u see on social media is literally a highlight reel of our best moments. so no, you are perfectly fine and probably living your best life even if you don’t post things or the best pictures. next, STOP THE NEGATIVE SELF TALK. everytime you think of a negative thing to say to yourself about the other person or yourself. STOP. you are no one to judge anyone. let people live. let yourself be. don’t be too hard on yourself. and think of something positive about that thing you were talking about. it helps. next, mindset. be conscious of your thoughts and really be on alert at all times. we are so easily distracted and get sucked into this “why dont i have this or that” or negative thoughts and get feel really bad for ourselves. it doesn’t have to be that way. always be on alert with your mind and what it says. be conscious. always ask yourself this, “am i doing this because i want people to think highly about me or bc I like it?”

🍒WORDS YOU NEED TO HEAR : so all in all, i’m just trying to say - you are fucking amazing. just the way you already are. social media can be a beautiful thing if used correctly and be the worst toxic place to be if done wrong. SOCIAL MEDIA DOES NOT DEFINE YOU. I REPEAT. SOCIAL MEDIA DOES NOT DEFINE YOU. YOUR FEED DOES NOT DEFINE YOU. IT IS ALL A SOCIAL CONTRUCT AND YOU SHOULD NOT FEEL BAD FOR ANYTHING (for example not posting much, not having the best pictures, or for posting too much whatever it is. it is in your control and people’s opinion should not EVER matter as long as you are happy & you fulfill yourself, THATS ALL THAT REALLY MATTERS. at the end of the day, it all comes down to you and self respect. respect yourself enough to not make yourself feel shit. own your thoughts & FIGHT that negative talk. work on having a strong sense of self because if u’re very comfortable with you yourself, you don’t even need social media or anyone to make yourself feel amazing or bad.

send me tips & words that might help. love u guys. hope u’re doing well.

- A, glowdetails

#social media #glowdetails #personal #words #advice

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #370

“breakdowns, obscenities, it’s all i wanna be”

Do you have any bad habits you aren’t working on changing? If so, do you ever think you’ll try to break them? Downloading music, for one. I really should just start using Spotify... but my iPod has over 1k songs on it and I just seriously don't want to got through all the trouble. When was the last time someone surprised you with their reaction or behaviors? Hm. I dunno. What kinds of videos do you like to watch on YouTube, if any? I watch SO many different kinds. It used to be pretty strictly let's plays, but I've definitely expanded my watching interests. Now I'm really into watching educational reptile and tarantula husbandry and keeping channels, I watch one woman who is like my weight loss idol (Jordan Shrinks, she is amazing), there's a few vloggers, I enjoy some World of Warcraft channels, and then there's a couple urban exploration guys I like. I also occasionally watch some beauty YouTubers just for their personalities and the art of it. Have you ever reached out to a crisis center for mental health support? If so, how was the experience? Yes, but they were so busy that I didn't connect with anyone before I finally gave up and ODed. When was the last time you did something you were afraid to do, and how was the outcome? Ummmm I don't really know. What is one positive thing you believe about yourself? I care a lot about other people. What is something you have been through that has made you stronger? The breakup. It brought me to the lowest of lows, where every day was a struggle to survive. It taught me I can endure through almost anything, even if it doesn't feel like I can. Other than money, what is something you wish you had more of in your life? Happiness, contentment, being in love, motivation, energy, activities, travel... There's genuinely a lot. IIs there anything that you tend to ignore for the sake of your sanity? I'm very bad at ignoring things. If something is bothering me, it's going to put up a beastly fight to be at the forefront of my mind. What is something you wish was different about your family? I wish we were closer and better off monetarily. What keeps you going lately? The hope for a happy, satisfactory future. Have you ever been in an unconventional relationship (long distance, polyamorous, same gender, age gap, etc)? if so, what challenges did this relationship present, and were they worth overcoming? I've been in a long-distance relationship with another girl. I think the hardest part was that there was not being able to physically be there for each other when one of us was really struggling, and sometimes communication was an issue, not being able to read body language when we voice chatted or hear the tone in which we "spoke" when texting, though I'm pretty sure that's an issue with any online relations. I also feel it's difficult to really build and experience your chemistry with one another when you're not physically with the other person. I still think all these challenges were worth overcoming, though. I in no way regret the relationship and got only good things out of it. What is the most unhealthy relationship (whether friendship or romantic) you’ve ever had? What made it so unhealthy? Do you still talk to each other? I'm kinda torn between Jason and Colleen, but I think my bond with Jason was ultimately more unhealthy because it went beyond love: he was an obsession. Having him with me was the only thing that brought me joy, and I lit-er-a-lly could not imagine my future without him. Like that concept just didn't exist; it was entirely impossible in my head. On his end, he failed to communicate what he was going through emotionally, which only contributed to the damage. I never knew he was struggling because of me. Without realizing it, I put so much pressure on him to make me happy, so to answer the last question, no, we don't, by his decision - and I don't blame him. Have you ever been abusive in any way? Were you able to change or make amends, or, in general, what do you think people should do to make amends in that situation? A neverending battle I have with myself is if how I treated Jason after the breakup was qualifiable as emotional abuse, specifically with messaging him things like "thanks for sending me to the ER" and shit. My therapist reassures me that it wasn't abusive because I wasn't being deliberately manipulative, but rather genuinely hurt and convinced I had been wronged and wanted him to know and acknowledge it. She agrees that it was wrong, which I entirely agree with, but sometimes, I'm still convinced I was abusive. I fucking hate answering this question, so hurrying up: I don't know if he's forgiven me. As for how others could reconcile, that's not for me to say. I know sometimes the answer is to NOT make amends and completely stay away from their abuser. It's not my right to tell others how to cope with their abuse. Have you ever forgiven someone for being abusive or allowed someone toxic back into your life? Did this person change for the better or not? My former best friend Colleen was toxic as all fuck hell, and I let her back in way too many times. No, she never changed. I honesty doubt she ever will, given her pride. When was the last time you did something “meant” for children? Do you think it’s okay for adults to do these things (ie. watch cartoons, have stuffed animals, dress in cute clothing, etc), or do you think there’s an age beyond which it becomes unacceptable - and if so, why? Hmmm... I know this was semi-recent, but whatever it was is evading me at the moment. I personally have zero issue with adults engaging in activities like that; let people do what they enjoy if they're not harming anyone, especially things as innocent as dressing how they think is cute, etc. I would far rather people "act like children" (not emotionally, you know what I mean) than run around the streets selling drugs and shit. What was the last thing to “trigger” you (as in, in a true mental health sense, I’m being serious here) and how did you cope with it? What kinds of things do you tend to find triggering? What do you do either avoid or face your triggers? When I was riding to the sleep study section of the health plaza, where the hospital is, my anxiety spiked quite a bit, recalling all of my ER stays for being suicidal. It didn't help that the psych hospital I visited most is also in that whole jumble of buildings. I dealt with it by reminding myself I was in that area for a very different reason, and Mom reassured me that where I would be staying was more like a small hotel room than a hospital bed, which was true, so that helped. Regarding the next question, I'm not gonna lie to ya, I have a stupid amount of PTSD triggers: certain music, shows, fandoms, places, smells, even tastes of certain foods. I tend to stay away from my major triggers, but I'll *sometimes* fight the tiny ones, because I want that sense of ownership of myself back. If you’re diagnosed with anything, do you feel that it accurately represents what you’re experiencing? Yes. What are some minor physical discomforts that really bug you (eyelash in your eye, a wedgie, rumpled socks, etc)? I'm VERY sensitive to feeling anything in my nose, and it leads to me needing to blow it a lot. I also can't stand having holes in my socks, but since I wear flip flops essentially everywhere, I don't experience this much. Are you ever afraid to admit to liking something because you’re afraid other people will judge you for it? What is the worst that’s ever happened as a result of you liking something different from the crowd? What about the best thing that’s come as a result of a unique interest? Y E P!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nothing really bad has happened because of admitting my interests, other than hearing things along the lines of "I don't get it." It's very odd, just how horribly receptive I am to judgment about things I like when I don't recall a time where I was ridiculed for anything. But anyway, the best thing to happen from sharing interests for me is making a new friend that likes the same thing, and I will IMMEDIATELY be closer to you than most people I associate with once you've helped me past that vulnerable spot of mine. Have you ever remained good friends with an ex? Yeah. Do you have a negative view of mentally ill people, or are you mentally ill yourself? Do you ever call others crazy, insane, etc? Do you ever call yourself those things? I'm mentally ill and empathize heavily with those who suffer themselves. I absolutely do not have a negative look on mental health sufferers; we don't choose to be victims. I'm definitely not a big fan of abusing terms like "insane," because I've fucking been there, and it's not a term to take lightly. I've thrown 'em around before, but I try to avoid it. I don't call myself any of those things nowadays, but in the deepest trench of my depression and PTSD, I honest to God think I fit the definition of "insane." Does it bother you to have people comment on what you’re eating, or do you not care? What are some comments that would bother you, if any? Do you ever comment on what other people are eating or make assumptions about their intakes? YES. JUST DON'T FUCKING COMMENT. I get EXTREMELY self-conscious when my mom does this sometimes when I occasionally need a small snack to hold me out overnight, and I absolutely never will say something to someone else. It's just rude, imo. Well, I guess if someone was really destroying their health and I was close to them, I would out of concern and be very gentle, but when regarding most people? I'm keeping my thoughts to my damn self. Do you like Redbull? I've never tried it and don't want to. I'm not an energy drink fan. Who is the last person you spent money on? My mom. I remember I bought us fast food when we were out once. What are you looking forward to in the next 4 days? G U Y S!!!!!!!!! I GET MY TATTOO TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!! :'''') Also on the same day, I start my TMS therapy, which I have high hopes for. Have you ever gone a whole day without eating? No. Do you sometimes use your music player to help you fall asleep? No, but I did that for years back in middle school. Have you ever had a crush on someone “too young” for you? No. Do you shave your legs more than once a week? Haaaaaaaaa. If you could cuddle with anyone right now, who would you pick? I really wish I could cuddle my late pup Teddy again. :/ I was thinking about that recently. Are you tanned? God no. I never am. Do you try to wear dresses whenever you can? No. I wish I was in a shape where I was comfortable wearing spring dresses again... I had this floral skull one in high school that I adored. Are you wearing something that belongs to someone else? No. Have you ever been called a bitch? Yes. Did you like the person you last kissed when you kissed them? I loved her. Who did you have a meaningful conversation with last? Sara. Do you have feelings for someone? Yeah, but they're like... on a leash, you could say. I don't let 'em run free and wild, and I know that even if nothing comes of those feelings again, it's fine. Are you trying to avoid liking somebody at the moment? I think Jason will be this answer for a very long time, if not forever, given the trauma and all. I have to remind myself frequently that I love his memory, not him, because I don't even know him anymore. It's been YEARS since we spoke. Just like I've changed incredibly, I'm sure he has, too. If you saw life in black & white, would that be okay with you? I mean, it would suck, but it wouldn't be the end of the world. When you wake up in the middle of the night and can’t get back to sleep, what kinds of things are you likely to do? How often do you find you have trouble sleeping? I do exactly what you shouldn't do and get back on the laptop. I'd say I most often get on WoW and refresh the auctions I have up because that tends to tire me out because I do that shit manually to avoid any addon mishaps, and I have a looooot to put up as a gold farmer. What was the last lengthy packet you filled out? Something to see if I qualified for a sleep study. Are you a patient person? What is one way you have a lot of patience? What about not very much patience at all? I am NOT patient, at least regarding more trivial things, like sitting in waiting rooms. I do have patience though with other people with more serious things, like getting someone to open up to me. At what time during the day do you tend to feel your best? What about the worst? When I first wake up. It's a "fresh start" and it's nice to feel rested. Plus, I open a fresh can of cold soda as my "coffee" for lack of better word, haha. I'm in my worst mood probably late afternoon/early evening, by which time I am incredibly bored and just dulled down. What was the last thing you did that you wish you could take back or do differently? The last thing... I dunno. How frequently do you stay overnight somewhere that isn’t your own home? What things do you miss about home when you’re away? Do you tend to get homesick easily? Pretty much never. I do miss my room and its privacy when I'm away from home, but I wouldn't say I get homesick all that easily, so long as I have WiFi, haha. Do you tend to eat more in the beginning of the day or at night? Do you have a tendency to snack when you’re bored? If so, what kinds of snacks do you normally go for? Not necessarily the beginning of the day, but definitely more than at night. I am BAD about snacking when I'm extremely bored, but at the very least I'm conscious enough to try and find something semi-healthy, like granola bars, fruits, a scoop of peanut butter, but I also sometimes just eat like... a slice of bread or a tortilla. Horrible choice. I'm a carb fiend and I hate it. If you have any dietary restrictions, do you ever miss foods you can’t have? If not, what’s something you haven’t had for a long time that you wish you could eat again? I thankfully don't have any. I've been craving cheesecake like a madman lately. :< The spicy shrimp fritas from Olive Garden, too. Is there something you still can’t do even though you’re an adult or might be expected to do this thing? I don't have my license, and my driver's permit is even expired. I'm terrified of driving. I also don't have a job, and I can't cook. When was the last time you congratulated someone? Were you happy for them, indifferent, jealous? Uhhh I think someone on Facebook had a baby. Of course I was happy for them. What was the last milestone you reached in your life (graduating, buying a car, starting a family, etc)? What milestone are you going for next, if any? Um... I haven't reached a true milestone in years. Hell, I don't think since I started recovery from the breakup. Do you enjoy getting comments or messages? How likely are you to leave comments or messages for other people? Yeah, it makes me feel cared about. It really depends on the platform on how much I leave other people comments, and I'm extremely shy about messaging, but I'll do it sometimes. When are you most likely to scream (either out of fright, anger, or whatever)? Do you scream or yell often? When was the last time someone screamed at you (or in your presence)? Frustration, for sure. I've screamed into a pillow more than once. I definitely don't yell or especially scream often. I'm sure the last person to yell at me was Mom, but I don't remember about what. What would you say is your STRONGEST emotion? Maybe not the most frequent, but the most intense? And what emotion do you feel most weakly, even if you might feel it more often? I'd saaaay... maybe love. When I love something/someone, I love HARD. I think I experience joy the weakest; it's very muted for me. And lastly, what are you listening to? Is this a band you listen to a lot "The Heretic Anthem" by Slipknot. I wouldn't say I listen to them a lot, but I have been more than usual lately.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''the heretic anthem'' by slipknot

[anarcho-decepticonism]

we fixed hsm

here are our 3 page fanfic plans

Troy & gabriella break up after like a month in college. Gabriella is around people smarter than her for the first time in her life & she’s really struggling & he doesn’t understand what she’s going thru & she realizes that he’s not that empathetic & bad at communicating. She’s single for like a year just adjusting to college & making new friends & figuring out who she is after hs & also not putting her entire identity in her intelligence. She tries out for theater & they’re like “you’re not that good at singing” & she’s like “never mind” bc she liked it because it was with her friends in the first place. She finds community elsewhere & eventually is in a more fulfilling & communicative & mature relationship

Troy is having a lot of trouble bc being a student athlete isn’t enough at FUCKING BERKELEY!!! And he’s having trouble at school. He also isn’t getting lead roles in the theater program bc it’s like. A hobby as opposed to his major/career path. He has to learn to like things without being the best at them & also communicate w people better. He’s no longer super special and the focal point of everything. He immediately tries to rebound by getting a new gf & she realizes right away that he just wants her to love him and pay attention to him and solve his problems and is like “fuck that dude go to therapy”. He goes to the school therapist which sucks but he finds a good therapist & like. Improves as a person lol. He has to think more abt the experiences of others and not need to have everyone love him all the time. He gets a dog -- good for him bc he has to be responsible for the life of something else but also dogs are very affectionate

Sharpay goes to UA & at first loves it bc she’s the star but then is super underwhelmed & depressed. She talks to Ryan and he’s like “you know you can just transfer” and she’s like “wow i’m so smart i’ll just transfer”. After like a semester she transfers to a different school with a good theater program (not Juliard tho). She has a good mentor figure who’s a prof who’s like “your ambition and drive are good things actually especially bc ur a woman and will be told that ur awful & bossy for standing up for yourself.” she makes her first real friend other than her brother (i am So sad) in a theater class-- not someone who worships her but like an actual human connection. Specifically a girl who she respects & doesn’t feel she has to compete with. She has a learning moment when her friend gets the lead role and Sharpay is genuinely proud of her and she realizes she wouldn’t have been suited to that part and that she doesn’t have to be the center of attention all the time. She learns to derive self worth from her love of theater instead of from everyone validating her. Also her friend is goth & tells her that all the pink she wears is bad. They both initially loved the theater bc they wanted to be accepted but learn together that they can just find worth in each other and themselves and their work. Also at one point Sharpay starts dating someone and gets really annoying and her friend is like “you’re being annoying” and they get in a fight and Sharpay is like “i don’t even like him that much but i feel like i have to be in a huge romance relationship (bc of troy and gabriella but also Society)” and this eventually leads to her realizing that she’s a lesbian and also that she has an unhealthy view of relatioships. She goes to therapy (it takes her a really long time to go but once she realizes she gets to talk abt herself she is more willing). Important that she does not date her friend (her emotional support system) but she does eventually get a gf. It takes her a long time to figure out how to be a good girlfriend and that her professional ambitions are different than her personal ambitions (she’s used to treating her relationships like a business instead of a two-sided thing where there needs to be emotional connection and both people being like vulnerable w each other)

Her and Ryan having space from each other where he can shine by himself and she feels like she doesn’t have to upstage him all the time. He feels for a long time that he can’t rely on her bc she’s a mess but eventually he texts her like 16 times in a row abt a person in his program he’s really annoyed at and she’s like “oh my god he’s ruining your show you Have to talk to the director!!!!” and it’s really helpful to just talk it out w her even if he doesn’t take her advice. It’s helpful for him to realize that it is a problem and he’s not overreacting but also that he should not take things to the extremes that Sharpay does lol. He should not poison this person. They eventually fall into a good & more balanced sibling relationship where they can rely on each other for a certain subset of things but they aren’t the only people in each others’ lives

Ryan meets other gay guys at Juliard who tell him that his hats are bad and show him how to dress not like an idiot. They’re like “it’s ok buddy. I know you were the only out guy at your high school but you don’t need to do that”. He’ll like. Do fine in college! He’s like fairly confident in his abilities and identity & good at like. Balancing career & personal life. He’s fine enough at school and doing well in his theater things. He’s charismatic and makes more good friends. He “formally comes out” to his parents in like a big thing. He choreographs it and makes Kelsey write him a song to sing. His parents are like “well we knew that but did you have to make it this much of a thing” and he’s like “yes”. His mom is generally more accepting than his dad and his dad is like “please don’t talk about this to the people at the country club” and he’s like “i… wasn’t? I don’t know these people. They’re your friends”

After college Ryan gets famous before Sharpay does and generally has a good thing going wrt doing choreography for “really important things” (he isn’t public facing)-- he’s good at choreo and also good at working with divas (thanks Sharpay i love u). He gets Sharpay a good role in a thing but he makes a big deal like “I got you an audition i didn’t get u the part u did it all yourself :)” but he totally got her the part lol in that he recommended her. She does a rlly good job tho (obvs) and does well in the spotlight bc she;s actually like. Hardworking and driven and good at musical theater. Her Big Break is in like a movie adaptation of a musical. She’s Glinda when they finally make a Wicked movie. The choreography is really good bc Ryan does it

Taylor tries to become a politician but slowly realizes that her passion for being an activist doesn’t super align with that and figures out that she wants to enact social change without like. Being a part of the system. She has a youtube channel where she talks about social issues and wears her stupid sweater vests & ties. Also she dates someone who likes women. Before she was invested in the public-facing aspect of the relationship and she learns what it means to actually have private moments of caring & how to not follow a stereotypical relationship and instead to do like. What she actually wants to. She’s bi and she dates a woman and enjoys not having societal expectations wrt how relationships are supposed to go. She dates a guy and realizes that a m/f relationship also doesn’t have to conform to societal expectations. Both are super important experiences for her even if neither are “endgame” (i love u matty)

Chad is heartbroken after Troy goes to a different school but tries to hide it/is in denial. He kind of lashes out at people who want to make friends with him and goes into a depression spiral. He eventually snaps out of it when Sharpay (who is still going to UA at this point) is like “what’s your problem?? Anyway i started going to therapy and it helped actually. Toodles!” and he’s like “what the fuck just happened” but he makes an appointment. The first session he’s like “hwatever this is stupid idk why i’m here. Whatever” and the therapist is like “yeah. Okay.” but he eventually opens up and then like. Learns to see himself as not part of a friendship or group/team and see himself as an individual. He gets over Troy, which takes him a while but he does it & we’re proud of him <3 it also takes a while to make friends who he can be emotionally vulnerable around bc he’s never really had that type of relationship before (bc he and troy are very guys being dudes & he like. Wasn’t super close w Taylor as they were p much just a relationship for show). He makes friends w both some guys and girls who aren’t all on the basketball team and has friends from lots of different places. This process takes him like. All of college.

Chad doesn’t date anyone in college and afterwards it’s super awkward bc it’s like the first time he’s actually dating someone. He ran into Ryan and they have a talk where Ryan’s like “you could’ve been my first love but you were never really emotionally available bc u were in love w a straight guy and also not confident in the fact that u are gay. Like that summer was fun but it wasn’t real” and chad is like “oh”. Ryan was like in a serious relationship at that point but didn’t mention it bc he didn’t want to feel like he was rubbing it in lol. And then Chad thinks about things. This is like during a Thanksgiving break while still in college. Chad eventually dates a guy who understands how it’s like. Hard to be gay and figuring out relationships and stuff at different life stages.

Kelsey gets negative feedback for the first time and freaks out but eventually learns that a prof who only gives positive feedback when she deserves it is good actually. She incorporates criticism and starts to write songs that don’t suck. She continues to wear awful outfits. She has a nice girlfriend who also wears awful outfits. They are an awful annoying couple but they’re happy. They do annoying theater kid things

Ms Darbus realizes that it’s bad to force her students to completely write & choreograph their own shows and stops pouring her entire life into high school theater and fixes her problems with her “legal domestic partner” whom she was feuding with

Zeke realizes that he likes Sharpay in the same way he likes celebrities and that isn’t a crush. He makes plenty of friends in college bc everyone loves a guy who brings baked goods to places. He continues doing basketball & baking as hobbies but neither is a career & he finds passion elsewhere. He loves doing whatever he’s currently doing but doesn’t have like a Thing he wants to do forever and it takes him a while to find a forever career. He ends up teaching a variety of classes at community college and is happy doing that but also he might not do that forever. He comes to terms with his “contentment w the transience of life” and is like “if i’m happy doing what i’m doing now then that’s good enough for now”. He serves as a good contrast to all of the super driven people who know exactly where they want to be (gabriella, sharpay, ryan)

We did it. we fixed high school musical

#when things are quoted it's bc matty said them out loud :) #txt #hsm

[cryptiboy]

do you have any advice for someone having flashbacks? you dont have to answer if u dont want ✌️no pressure

hi anon! ngl I’ve been dealing with flashbacks for a very long time and they’ve recently gotten worse, so I’m not super guru all under control no problem, but what it does mean is that I can share some of what’s been working for me, and what I’ve tried and didn’t work but could work for you!

First, identifying that you’re having a flashback in the moment is the first step to helping yourself with flashbacks- how can you manage flashbacks if you don’t even know when they’re running through your mind? Sometimes they’re really easy to identify (being overwhelmed by a bad memory or bad memories, knowing seeing and feeling these memories clearly, being physically and mentally upset by them, etc). Other times, it’s much more difficult to identify it (blocking out the memories you’re experiencing, memories only showing up through emotions after being triggered by something you didn’t catch as a trigger, etc).

Caring for yourself when you’re NOT having a flashback is also essential to your health when you ARE having a flashback! This doesn’t just mean eating healthy and getting enough sleep and exercise (although, those are a crucial part of this step as well)- it also means practicing the skills you’ll be using when you are experiencing a flashback BEFORE you experience it. For me, this means practicing mindfulness and mindful meditation: what I get from this is NOT “turning my thoughts off” as a lot of people think- it is though, being able to step away from the stream/roadway/track that is your thoughts and emotions, and watching your stream of thoughts (whether positive or negative) with compassion and curiosity for yourself and your thoughts and emotions. I’m probably not explaining it as well as I’d like, but I reccomend finding some articles or books on it if you’re interested!

What I’ve also learned from meditation is: BREATHING. If you don’t take anything else away from this answer, at least take this: breathing will save your life, literally. When you’re flashing back, take a moment to check in with your breath. Ask yourself and your body questions like: am I breathing right now? (Sometimes the answer is no) how quickly am I breathing? How deeply am I breathing? Am I breathing from my stomach or my chest? (Aim for stomach breathing, something most people need to relearn) Try to gently move all of your focus and attention into how you are breathing- when you realize your mind as wandered over to something upsetting, allow that something to move along down your stream of thoughts, and gently and lovingly bring your attention back to breathing (there’s the meditation again!) counting how long your breaths take, as well as how many breaths you have taken, as well as the sensations of breathing can keep your mind busy with tasks meant to calm down instead of rile up. Make sure to do at least three or four breaths before trying anything else, but you can absolutely do this for as long as you like (for the entire day, in fact! Sitting or standing still is good to start, but this can be practiced on the bus, in school, at work, on a walk- you name it, if you can breath then you can practice breathing!)

This is where I WILL interject myself- if you don’t have a therapist and haven’t talked to your doctor about this, I really reccomend doing that! They’re called a care team because they care for your health and well-being, and will have a lot more helpful resources and personalized advice than I do :) I’m also not a liscesnsed therapist or doctor or psych, this is all advice from one survivor to another

Once you feel like you are calm and okay with facing your thoughts (please do not worry if this takes much longer than you anticipated, recovery is not a race no matter what anyone tells you), you may try observing your thoughts and emotions with more attention (while still mentally distanced from them)- no emotions are bad, it is only how we act on our thoughts and emotions that can harm or help. So, sit with them and sort out what exactly is going on- can you identify what triggered this? What are your primary and secondary emotions? If you get overwhelmed (which happens for most people, often), gently take yourself away from that train of thought and bring yourself back to breathing, grounding, and self soothing. The outcome of observing your thoughts should be a calm and slightly relieved understanding- it should definitely NOT be triggering yourself into another flashback, or sitting with bad emotions and letting them build up. This step is difficult, and still one I’m personally struggling with

I talked about breathing, but what are grounding and self soothing? Let’s get into it! Grounding is when you pull yourself back into the present, physical, realistic moment around you- a popular method is to name five of each sense- 5 colors you can see, 5 sounds you can hear, 5 textures you can feel. You can also just take in the environment around you- notice details of different things, allowing yourself to flow between details and different senses and objects, thinking about how they connect and how they make your body feel- seek out sensations that you know make you calm in times of upset, like making yourself a cup of tea, holding a favorite stuffed animal, or listening to cheerful or calming music. The purpose of grounding is to recalibrate your emotions and allow them to level out, as well as healthily distract yourself.

The other healthy way to distract yourself that I mentioned is self soothing! A lot of the stuff I mentioned above can count as self soothing (like making yourself tea or listening to music)- self soothing is simply the act of soothing yourself in a healthy, positive way. Many of us have picked up unhealthy ways of self soothing (self harm and drug abuse, for instance). If you recognize an unhealthy habit, don’t berate yourself for it, you had the right idea in trying to self sooth! Instead, allow yourself to learn new, healthier ways of coping the replace the old negative ways. Some other healthy ways of self soothing include: giving yourself a bath/shower, self massage, exercise (this can range anywhere from rock climbing to running to yoga to dance- get physical in a healthy healing way!), cooking a delicious meal for yourself... there are many, many more self soothing ideas out there, these are just a few!

Remember that no matter what you take from this, meet yourself with compassion and a willingness to listen and help yourself- flashbacks can feel like an attack on yourself by yourself, and there’s often a lot of self loathing and shame that naturally comes with the problems associated with flashbacks- please, try to always gently remind yourself that: it isn’t your fault. You were hurt in some way, it is natural for you to be experiencing these things after being hurt. Flashbacks are a way for our brain to try and figure out how to do the situation better next time- but that have gotten out of hand, and have started to harm instead of help (your body doesn’t know that though- it is just trying to keep you alive and safe!) remember that you are in control (even if it doesn’t feel like it), you are important, you are strong, and you are not alone in this.

Although this post is long, it only barely scratches the surface of the well of help and hope for people experiencing flashbacks. I hope this helps somewhat, keep breathing, and feel free to message me again!

#i didnt go back and edit this was all written in one go im so sorry if its incomprehensible #anonymous #answered #flashbacks #long post

[pokemagines]

S/O with Paranoia Issues + Sycamore, Colress, Lysandre, Archie and Guzma

ultimafangirl asked: Could I request Sycamore, Colress, Lysandre, Archie and Guzma with an S/O who has paranoia issues but also has a bad habit of reading about things that makes her paranoia worse? (Like serial killers, mass murders, horrifying random acts of nature, etc...) Please and thank you!

a/n: I’m tired and honestly... why are all my extracurriculars back to back at the end of summer I’m looking at u band and tennis!! -- Mod Hikari

Sycamore

is it bad that sycamore found your reactions cute at first? then again, everything you do is cute to him. he’s always happy to hug you whenever you feel scared, or soothe you to sleep.

he’s not really a big fan of interfering with other people’s lives. live and let live, as he’d say. however, when he sees how genuinely scared you are after reading articles about mass murders, he starts to try to take measures to lighten up your paranoia. he doesn’t want you feeling bad, after all.

he’ll talk to you in that soothing voice of his, asking if you want to do something else besides read articles about the most recent natural disasters in kalos. he’s more about gently coaxing you out of your habits and switching them with something more positive instead of just outright forcing you away.

Colress

he’s pretty good at being logical and calming you down whenever you start to feel nervous. he’s the sort of guy who’ll check that there’s nothing in the closet three times in a row if it makes you feel better.

however, he doesn’t understand why you make your paranoia worse by reading terrifying things. in the beginning, he let you do whatever you want, but at this point he concludes it’s detrimental to your health (and his) if you keep this up.

now he just tugs whatever article you’re reading out of your hands, switches your true-crime documentaries to something more harmless like the science channel, and convinces you to watch funny videos instead of murder cases. he’ll do whatever it takes so you don’t heighten your paranoia.

Lysandre

lysandre is often away for work, so he doesn’t realize how bad your paranoia can get. it’s not until he watches, with his own eyes, you freaking yourself out with serial killer documentaries, that he decides early on he wants to help you.

since he’s pretty good at controlling his emotions, and has extremely good self-control, he doesn’t get how you can make your paranoia worse. but even if he doesn’t understand, he hates seeing you down.

the truth is, lysandre is weak to your puppy-dog eyes. make any sort of negative expression, and he’s instantly by your side. lysandre opts to spend more time with you, so he can be there to calm you down, and so he can give you suggestions of other reading materials.

Archie

archie is the best person to help you whenever you feel paranoid. it’s like he never runs out of patience or energy, and the little kisses he presses to your face feel delightful.

he’s the one that most understands your paranoia issues, and why you make them worse by watching the things you do. if you have worries, he listens to them without interrupting. he hates it when something upsets you, so he figures he’s going to have to do something about the situation.

he’s less of a vocal person, and more of a physical person. if he sees you feeling down at all, he’s reaching over to give you a hug, or to press kisses onto your stomach. he’ll do whatever you need so you won’t be tempted to pick up any more true-crime documentaries.

Guzma

guzma is the one that’s most likely to share your habits with you, which is great, because he calms you down easily. there’s nothing he loves more than a good horror story, or learning more about the crazy things nature can do.

at first, liked to read alongside you. in the beginning, this was great, as he’d always boast about how he’d protect you, and hug you until you felt better. well, that was until your insomniac nights caused both of you to lose sleep, and he realizes your paranoia can be unhealthy.

now, guzma just spends a lot more time trying to help you through your paranoia. if you really enjoy all the things you read about, he’d be loathe to stop you, but if it’s more of a morbid fascination, then you bet that he’s going to get you to watch a kids’ movie marathon instead.

#mod hikari #sycamore #colress #lysandre #archie #guzma #pokemon #pokemon imagine #alola #kalos #unova #hoenn #pokemon bw #imagine #pokemon xy #pokemon oras #pokemon sumo #x reader

[veruesse]

Wa aleykoum assalam, thank you soooo soo much for your kind reply it made me tear up, you’re so sweet for even reading through and yet you’ve even made such great effort in giving such beautiful advice, may Allah bless you and love you abundantly, i’m so grateful and it really gave me a boost. 💜 My heart hurts so much each time i think of hijab bc I know that it’s only due to my weakness and insecurity that I’m not wearing it. I feel u sm on the style part this is also something I’m scared of, I usually wear wide pants and jackets which cover my body for the mosttt part but switching to abayas seems so hard I was never super feminine and this is also my biggest insecurity, I feel so uncomfortable in dresses and abayas seem so unfamiliar to me even when I like their look in dark colours, and my face isn’t pretty (objectively) so the hijab even though its significance is so so wise and beautiful, makes my face stand out and I dislike seeing myself, my insecurity is like a disease in my heart and I’ve even bought hijabs and khimars and tried them on for months but somehow I’m blocked, I feel like a coward and can’t seem to get used to it, i’m also scared of dying uncovered but this fear only pushes me further into the thinking that I’ll never be like the real muslim girls who cover so correctly, I’ll never be pious enough to wear it bc even tho it’s an obligation bc I feel guilty but still won’t wear it, only hypocrites behave like that :( I’m sorry again if this is burdening and I feel ashamed to complain but Idk how to dare take this step, and I’m sorry to only talk abt myself even tho your story already helped me into believing that I might get used to it, may Allah bless and preserve you and your family and grant you life long health and well being and purify your heart and soul, I can already tell ur such a sweet person mashallah

Ahh Allahouma ameen I’m wishing the same for you! I’m happy to hear that my response was good for you and I hope it will be beneficial as well in sha Allah. ❤️

I don’t know where to start! Sub7anAllah first thing maybe: I think you’re so hard on yourself. First of all, there is already such a good good thing which is the fact that you feel the urge to wear the hijab and you really want it! See it as a positive thing Alhamdoulillah!

I’m not sure if you have hijabi friends… but if you do talk to them about this… about you needing to find your ‘fit’ or ‘style’ etc. I think it’d be good to have someone help you so you feel less insecure. I feel like once you have negative thoughts about your own appearance, you will really need to tell yourself the opposite cause before you know it these thoughts are all you have about yourself and honestly it’s unhealthy and also unfair to yourself. If you follow a lot of influencers that are known for pics of their beauty, unfollow them. Seriously I have unfollowed ALL of them and it helped me a lot. It will unconsiously give you a feeling of them being the definition of beauty and everyone else not. A couple days ago i saw this vid of people talking about this, and damn they were saying how online people look extraordinary and beautiful in a way that’s just…. not real lol, and if you look at people in real life we really are all beautiful. So basically, talk to yourself in a beautiful way. Make yourself love the way you look! Once you do, it will make you shine in ways that are maybe unimaginable right now, which will show confidence as well, which is also a beautiful thing!

Honestly I don’t think it’s the hijab that might feel so difficult… it really is your insecurities and lack of self love and honestly I think it would be healthy for you to work on your self love! sound sooo cliche but it’s so important! What you said about hijab making your face stand out and you not liking that… subhanAllah I swear that I had the same thing in the beginning. And it took me some time, but Alhamdoulillah I really don’t have that anymore! I feel like you’re scared of things that might just need some time. Try out different hijab styles, cause I PROMISE you different styles make the face look different! Some work for some, and some really don’t. I wear it tight! As clean as I can. I have a very tiny head and small face features, so wrapping around a bigger hijab with more fabric would make my face almost too tiny haha. Also I wear my hijab under all my layers of clothing, over my bra. And I cut it so it’s not too long and there’s not too much fabric. Girllll I promise you it takes practice and try outs haha. But in the mean time, please don’t forget why we wear it! It’s for protection and don’t forget that Allah SWT really is with you. The harder it is for you, the more effort you give it, etc. the more hassanaats in sha Allah.

So, try to do this step by step. It’s impossible to immediately go for the endgoal. You mentioned dresses and abayas being unfamiliar to you. Maybe make a decision for yourself to - for example - always make sure your shirt or blouse or jacket is covering your ass. At least! Then for you, for then, this step is getting used to the hijab. Over time, when you’re used to it and you feel good in it, then you might think of an extra step, but don’t think about that now! It’s unhealthy and unreal to focus on the endgoal rather than your steps.

You can easily be a hijabi and cute tomboy! I am haha. I was so uncomfortable wearing dresses and I would never. Sorry but step by step really is okay! You really don’t have to wear a abaya immediately! Somehow, right before last summer I randomly wanted to be more ‘feminine’ (whatever that may be). Whenever I saw a pretty dress or skirt, I would buy it and then consciously wear it on friday. But it took me some time to be able to do that, cause I was so uncomfortable in dresses and skirts. I did it whenever I felt good in it. Now, sometimes, outside of friday, whenever I feel like it I just wear a dress or skirt. And on fridays I always do. But I literally still wear a bomber jacket over it lol. And honestly because I’ve spent so much time looking and trying out different ones, I really only wear dresses and skirts that I feel beautiful in, so not just a random or easy thing. Like I’m doing it because I feel good in it - and yes Alhamdoulillah I’m covering myself more. But I’m not pushing myself to wear it even tho I’m uncomfortable, you see what I mean? So don’t stress yourself out at all!

Be nice t youself. Truly, you deserve it. You are beautiful. And we are all beautiful haha and we should not let social media and all this fake bs get to us.

Also I just want to say that I recognise sooo much of what you’re saying from myself years ago! Everything, about insecurity with your face, the unfamiliarity with abayas and dresses, the tomboy look, etc. And sub7anAllah I’m not even close to my endgoal but Alhamdoulillah looking back at where I was then, and the things I struggled with, Alhamdoulillah I can say I am proud of myself. And you can be too in sha Allah! First step is to not be harsh to yourself. I could talk to you for hours! If you live in the Netherlands you better let me know so we can hang out and be beautiful together haha <3 You can literally still always contact me however you want. On anon is also good. If you need it, I honestly just want to be here for you. Sometimes we need each other and if there is any way I can help another woman, I really want to! ❤️

[bisexualamy]

hi ren! i think you're so cool and soft at the same time!! how do u do that!! teach me ur ways!!

I’m not sure what you mean by soft in this instance? I’m a little skeptical of soft as an adjective for trans men because I feel like it’s always used to infantilize us (like the uwu cute soft trans boy stuff).

If you mean soft as “in touch with my emotions/emotionally vulnerable” (which I think you do) that is something I can definitely touch on because it is an aspect of my personality I’ve really tried to cultivate. In terms of cool, I don’t really think I’m cool. I appreciate that you think I am! I don’t really known what cool means? Why is one cool? The best analogous thing I can see for it in my own life is “confident” and “does/makes interesting/fun/creative things.”

This is a lot of preamble to get my thoughts out, but I do actually have some advice in both of these instances! I’ll try and be brief, though I probably won’t succeed in that. And like, obvious disclaimer that I’m speaking from my own life experience.

EDIT: very long. All of this is now under cut. This was a good post and I’m happy I wrote it, so thank you! Feel free to reblog it!

IN TERMS OF “COOL”: the best advice I can give to you is put things into the world you care about. This manifests itself for me in the art and writing I produce. I became a lot happier and more confident creating work that I actually cared about existing. I get a lot of joy and drive out of filling voids that I see as necessary to be filled. A concrete example of this has been the work I’ve been doing (that I recently won an award for) in regarding to documenting and creating around the stories of different LGBT people of faith. 

And this can be anything! This doesn’t even have to be necessarily “creative” work. There’s joy to be found in STEM fields, like building or doing math or science. It can be cooking or redesigning your bedroom! I find that always having a project to work on, no matter how small, gives me purpose that helps me do the other things in my life that I don’t want to do. Also!!! This doesn’t have to be “original.” I find that a lot of the hangups people get tend to center around filling a void that’s never been touched. My favorite professor I’ve ever had once told me: “don’t worry about doing something original. Just do something well.” I really like that and try and keep that in mind when I create.

I’ve noticed that when you’re working on things you care about it often creates drive, which looks like confidence. In my experience, people think I’m cool because I’m driven to do things I care about. I’m not like, cool in the sense of calm and collected, but I think I’m cool in the sense that I’m interesting. The other bit of advice I have for this is surround yourself with people who you feel safe and supported by. This also goes into soft as well, but your progress as a person is often hindered by unsupportive and harmful environments and people. Those two are often difficult to escape or avoid completely, but building up relationships in your life where you feel safe, where you feel supported, where you feel allowed to make mistakes, were instrumental in building my confidence and giving me the drive to stop settling for “this is the way things are.”

IN TERMS OF “SOFT”: Like I said above, a lot of this comes from being allowed to be soft in the first place. From being in environments and with people that don’t try to squash that softness. For me, I’ve made a conscious effort to be open, to be vulnerable, to be “soft” as you put it. I made this effort because I knew it helped people, and I get a lot of value out of helping people. I’ve been told that my openness about mental health, about emotional vulnerability, about LGBT things, has helped others when I see that I can be open and also succeed. That’s the reason I started this in the first place.

This mentality was very difficult for me to foster initially. I used to be very closed off and have many issues with trust, and I sometimes still do, but I’m working on self awareness. I started small and gradually adopted more and more emotionally honest practices and those grew into larger ones. The overarching theme to these is give yourself permission. Give yourself permission to be happy, to feel your emotions, to be in a world that makes you happy. Here are some of those specific things I worked on (not necessarily in this order):

When someone asks you if you’re okay, or how you are, answer honestly. Unless you’re speaking in passing to someone you don’t really know, answer truthfully. Don’t be afraid to answer “how are you” with “I’m feeling down” or “I’ve had a pretty bad day” or “I’m really angry.” This helped teach me that my emotions aren’t bad. I don’t need to hide them. I just need to be in control of them and know how to regulate them.

When you’re feeling a very intense negative emotion, stop. If you’re very sad, or very angry, don’t do anything. Stay still. Write down what you’re feeling. Talk to someone. Make no decisions in this headspace. Distance is important when assessing your own emotions. Distance will teach you what your reaction is saying. If you get very angry at a friend because they’re late, why? Did the situation hurt you, or is there something larger at play? If it was the situation, you’ll be grateful you didn’t over blow it. If there’s something larger, now you have the calmer headspace to figure out how to fix it.

Let yourself feel bad. I try to be a generally optimistic person, but acknowledging my negative emotions, and not shaming myself for them, really helped me get better control over them. Sometimes you feel shitty! It’s okay to feel shitty! Let yourself feel bad, acknowledge the badness, and then let it go when you’re ready. Don’t let yourself wallow, but don’t suppress your bad emotions. Letting myself feel everything helped me gain confidence in being vulnerable.

Tell someone if they hurt you, even if they didn’t mean it. This is not supposed to be an accusation, but being an open communicator has changed my life. If someone upsets you and you don’t tell them, it may fester and turn into something nasty. I tell my friends that if they have an issue with something I did or said, I want them to tell me so we can talk about it in a calm, open, non-accusatory way. I feel much better once I’ve talked through something that hurt me, because I usually learn the other person’s point of view and it feels less like a slight.

Be upfront about your expectations. People can’t read your mind, and expecting people to is wrong. For example, one of my biggest pet peeves is having my time wasted. There are many people who view meeting times in flux. For them, it’s okay to shift appointments around, to double book, to be a little late. That’s another way of viewing the world. So, if someone is historically late, I might say “I really need you to be on time to this specific event” or set a precedent of “it’s okay if you’re late, but you have to let me know ahead of time that you think you’ll be late so I can account for that.”

Trust your gut. Don’t doubt yourself. Self doubt has always bit me. You can typically get a sense of when something is awry. Don’t be afraid to trust your instincts.

Lay out healthy priorities. I try and prioritize my health and well-being above everything else. If a topic is triggering for me to discuss, if an environment is a significant detriment to my mental health, if someone is hurting me, I try and fix the situation, and if it won’t fix, I leave. From there, my priorities are in flux. Sometimes I prioritize people, sometimes schoolwork, sometimes self care. It depends on the scenario and the time. Prioritizing your health is not the same thing as not doing anything that you dislike, or that makes you uncomfortable. We have to do things we dislike all the time. You know within yourself what’s unhealthy and what’s just unpleasant or annoying.

Learn how to fail. Admit when you’re wrong. I used to have a terrible time admitting I was wrong. If you’re in a healthy environment with decent people, you won’t be shamed for admitting your mistakes. In this way, change your behavior if you’re wrong! I often have unrealistic expectations of people. When that’s been brought to my attention, I’ve adjusted my expectations. Also, I’ve tried to remove “I told you so” from my vocabulary. I don’t shame others for failure. And, understand that partial successes are not failures. 50% successes are okay! Anything is better than zero. Sometimes, you will hit zero. Sometimes, you will fail. Learning how to learn from failure, from not seeing failure as a reflection of my self worth, gave me more freedom to try my hand at creating things I care about. First drafts are supposed to be awful! Just start! Once you start, you can often work off of momentum.

Take time to be introspective and understand yourself. What are your values? What’s important to you? How do you typically respond to certain scenarios? What is something that makes you consistently happy? Sad? Angry? Journal, blog, talk aimlessly into your phone, talk to other people, talk to a therapist if you’re interested. Often, you need to get to know yourself like you’d get to know another person. Once you gain this sense of self, you’ll better understand a lot of what you do, say, and how you react out in the world. For me, this is an ever-evolving process. I change, I grow, and I need to consistently reflect. I think constructive and position self reflection is very important.

I know that was a long list. This took me years and years, and I’m still working on these. The path to emotional softness and regulation is often not linear. Learning to forgive myself, learning how to understand myself, learning to be gentle with myself, was hard. I see a lot of “be gentle to yourself!” positivity on here without any concrete steps are principles. These are a bulk of mine. Employing these steps helped me to foster those safe communities, and be safe in my own vulnerability. Softness tends to follow work and action.

#hailing frequencies open #advice ask #you may reblog #feel free to send follow up questions! #Anonymous

[h2ojustadddigital]

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly Truth of Mental Health on Social Media

When talking about social media in relation to mental health, we’ve got two sides of the coin to consider. On one side, social media has very much helped open up the discussion of prioritising mental health. Yet on the other side, social media and its effects haven’t helped improve people’s own mental health. 

So, let’s deep dive and talk about that.

The Good

Social media has played a substantial part in increasing the awareness of mental health illnesses, as well as destigmatising having active discourse about it. Information surrounding mental health has become more accessible and sought after, with 83% of Internet users seeking out health information online. Now there’s sites providing knowledge and ways to get help like Headspace and Beyond Blue.

I specifically remember learning about anxiety disorder through YouTuber Zoella, who made a video in 2012 talking about her own experience. Although I personally don’t suffer from anxiety, her video made me aware that this existed and that anxiety was more than just a feeling of nervousness we all get sometimes.

Social media platforms has also helped garner attention towards public health campaigns, a type of care communication designed to prompt long-term changes in knowledge, attitudes, behaviours and public policy. They can be used persuade the public to engage in acts to improve health or refrain from behaviours that are unhealthy, according to Springston.

An example of a mental health campaign is R U OK? Day, a national day run every year “dedicated to reminding everyone that any day is the day to ask, ‘Are you ok?’ and support those struggling with life.” The campaign brings awareness to suicide prevention and generates discussion around issues like social isolation and positive help seeking. It utilises broadcast media like TV commercials and radio, as well as social media like its Facebook page and YouTube channel.

(Link for photos)

The Bad

While social media can bring about this positive change, we can’t gloss over the fact the social media itself can have negative impacts on a user’s well-being though these associations are still unclear. 

It can be argued that social media’s “manicured, curated content…engenders personal anxieties and depression.” Numerous studies have shown connections between social media use and its impact on depression, anxiety, compulsive behaviour, loneliness, and narcissism.  According to Dr Richelle Mayhak, there may be an association between social media and feelings of inadequacy or reduced self-esteem. This might be because people present the highlights of their lives, omitting their real issues and struggles. Our online identities usually don’t reflect our real lives. 

I fall into this negative thinking myself at times. A public figure that comes to mind is Anna Heinrich, the “winner” of the first season of The Bachelor and now socialite/social media influencer/lawyer. Her Instagram literally makes her life look perfect. She’s always going to swanky events, working out, going on trips with her husband, looking effortlessly flawless. And suddenly my life feels black and white, whereas hers is in screaming colour.

The Ugly Truth

Talking about the effects of social media and its connection to mental health is a slippery slope. I don’t know concretely if social media is inherently creating these problems, but I think it can definitely exacerbate our existing mental health issues. I hope we can start showing the behind the scenes of our lives instead of just the highlight heel and open up about both the ebbs and flows.

Prioritise self-care over connectedness. Be in tune with yourself before being in tune with news feed.

thank u next,

Amy

#mda20009 #health #health campaigns #ruokday #socialmedia #mental health #self care #wellbeing #self love #blogs

[fairycosmos]

--TW EATING D. --idk why but i keep convincing myself i dont have and ED?? like i fast for hours and then binge like crazy. there was one time i did a ''water fast'' for 6 days. i didnt eat for 6 days. no one in my family said anything but like that is fucking alarming??? no one fucking does that. i also cant recognize my body sometimes. mirrors makes me suicidal. im sorry idk what this is. i just feel totally insane. btw PLS DONT ANWSER THIS IF IT MAKES U FEEL BAD or triggered ILYSM

:(( fuck i’m sorry babe, that sounds so painful and stressful holy shit??? i can’t imagine how hard it must be for you at the moment, god. i’m honestly proud of you for dealing with it all so far. it counts for a lot that you’re still trying and that you’re still here. to me it seems like even though you go through phases of convincing yourself you don’t have an ED, you still have a caliber of self awareness and on some level, you want to be helped. that’s a genuinely good thing. hang on to that as much as you possibly can. i mean, you’re sending this ask, right? even that’s a good start. and you know it’s fucked up/dangerous not to eat for six days, you know mirrors shouldn’t make you suicidal, you know this isn’t healthy or right. you have to treat yourself the way you’d treat a friend if they were going through what you’re going through. force yourself to take on that perspective, so you don’t get trapped in the ED’s lies. even if your mind tries to convince you otherwise, try your hardest to stay grounded in the facts of reality: you’re in a very unhealthy place right now, you’re doing serious damage to your body and you can’t trust your brain when it tells you not to eat, or that you’re gross, or whatever kind of bullshit it spews at you. it is actively trying to sabotage you. it wants you to feel depressed and alone because that makes you easier to control. you don’t have to fully buy into it. you are stronger than you will ever fully realize. i’m not saying you have to suddenly start eating normally again, obviously. i’m not saying you have to have everything figured out - it’s ok not to know what to do. i get that ED’s and logic don’t go together very well. but it’s about making small, positive changes, right? eating half a snack. disconnecting your worth from your body in your head. and above all, reaching out. making the active choice to put a stop to this before it’s too late. it’s in your control, not the eating disorder’s, but yours. 

and listen i’m really fuckin pissed off and kind of appalled that your family didn’t notice that you didn’t eat for so long. that’s insane. and you deserve so, so much more than that. your ED will probably use it as an excuse - if no one noticed, you can continue, right? if no one cares, why should you, right? but that’s just another form of toxic thinking that is going to kill you in the end. i don’t know why your family is so oblivious to your struggles, but it’s not a reflection of you or because of anything you did. it’s not your fault. and it doesn’t mean you’re allowed to deny yourself the help that that you very clearly need. are you still in school? if you are, i think it’d be a really good idea to talk to a teacher or the counselor about what’s going on. if that’s not an option, maybe call a hotline or look into mental health resources in your community, such as support groups. (there has to be something, there will be, if you seek it out.) or go to your regular doctor and let them know that you need help, even if you have to tell someone in your family first in order to do that. fucking scream it at them if you have to. you don’t have to be quiet about this anymore, you don’t have to accept what you’re doing to yourself. i know you don’t want to talk. i know every part of you is rejecting this idea. but i’m trying to be straight up, and i’m trying to stop you from doing any more serious harm to yourself. it’s over. you don’t want to live like this anymore, and you don’t have to. but the way to achieve that is by seeking the professional guidance that you need. going to long term counseling/therapy, learning simple coping mechanisms and thinking patterns, developing a care plan to make sure you’re getting the nutrients you need even when it feels like the most impossible thing in the universe. all of those things will let you breathe again. no matter how scary they are at first. the bottom line is this: you don’t deserve to live a life that is controlled by food and anxiety and self consciousness. there is so much more to you, and to the world, than that. i promise, you don’t have to hurt yourself physically to show that you’re hurting emotionally. you can communicate instead, and it will be okay. you’re not alone, i swear. so many people have been where you are at the moment, so many people have felt what you’re feeling. you don’t have to act like your only otpion is fighting this by yourself, alright? your family isn’t your only option. seriously. this isn’t a sustainable way of life, man. it’s going to end one way or another - you might as well make the right choice and put your mental health first for once. please, please consider it for now. even just calling a hotline anonymously will give you some sort of idea of what to do to help yourself in the future. you’re not going to regret opening up to people, especially professionals, but you WILL regret hurting yourself to such an extreme extent if you don’t at least try to stop. it’s alright for it to take a lot of time and energy. it’s supposed to a be a process. and you’re allowed to feel however you want to about it - angry, scared, sad, exhausted. register all of, let it wash over you. and do your best to cope in a healthy way. as long as you don’t let these temporary thoughts/emotions control whether or not you talk to someone. you know logically what you need to do. please attempt to do it when you’re ready. i’m rooting for you so much. i know you’re capable. i believe in you and your ability to get through this with all of my heart and soul :( i hope you’re okay. sending my love. if you want to talk more about it, or if you need a friend, please message me anytime. i’m always here.

https://www.verywellmind.com/things-to-stop-if-you-have-an-eating-disorder-1138275

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/eating-disorders/eating-disorder-treatment-and-recovery.htm

https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/recovery/self-help-tools-skills-tips/overcome-negative-thinking

#tw eating disorder #tw anorexia #tw starving #anon

[cliveboney]

i just want to give an update on that whole upsetting fic debacle since i kept posting abt it, for closure. feel free to skip this as it’s kind of heavy and very personal; i just want to let myself talk it out so i can let it go and move past it

((warning for depression & vague talk of my personal experience w/ it))

so!! i finished it, the whole thing, it was almost 130k words & it was excruciating & it made me completely miserable and i need to never ever do something like that to myself ever again!

i have a problem, a Thing I Do, where if i start watching/reading something, i want to finish it. i will rarely deliberately drop something altogether because no matter how much im not enjoying it i want to see it through, because theres always something i still do like about it, you know? thats why i finished the first season of k-on, even though i hated it (tho im loving s2 actually), and why i watched all 13 episodes of amagi brilliant park, including the special, even though i hated it, and why i stuck it through to the end with comic girls despite its very fucking best efforts to get me to stop watching, and same with darlifra and many other things because i just. wanted to finish the job. there’s a satisfaction in bringing something to a close, so you’re not leaving any loose ends behind. i may not have liked the story, but at least i finished it.

that’s kind of how it was with this fic. i started reading it because one of my coping mechanisms when im feeling really sad or having a bad depression night is to read angst fanfiction kind of as a cathartic release of those negative emotions, it feels good to embrace them and let them wash through me via the opportunity for projection that fanfiction provides. a lot of the times the content of the fics i read are extremely heavy because that’s just what works for me. so when i saw the content warnings on this particular fic, i wasn’t particularly fazed because it was just. stuff i was used to consuming- i mean honestly the content warnings are often the reason i picked the fic in the first place

this one though. uh. it was a lot heavier than im used to, which was becoming rapidly more apparent the further along i got. i mean, it was fine for a couple chapters because it was hitting very close to home in that satisfying kind of way that i needed that night, but after i got over that initial release of emotions it started going downhill, um, a Lot

two chapters was enough to get me invested, but this was a Depression Fic, about depression, with themes centering explicitly around how mental illness destroys lives and friendships, and its aim was to explore these themes in the most realistic way possible. thankfully, it was also about recovery and rekindling lost friendships, and it did ultimately end well, but it was a very long, painful journey. the author did an excellent job conveying these struggles.

it was a very, very hard story for me to read. i wanted to stop, many times, and i fucking should have. it was a very bad time for me to read a story like this- due to a recent surgery, my thyroid levels are very low, leaving me feeling more sluggish than usual and in effect worsening my depression. im taking medication for it, but the medication takes several weeks to kick in and i’ve only been on it for a little over a month now, so i’ve been feeling very low. i shouldn’t have read this fic. i should have stopped after i realized what kind of story it was going to tell, and how it would affect me, and i was only lucky that it ended as well as it did, because the trigger warnings listed above the very last chapter had me so upset that i didn’t know what to do with myself & it was only after i forced myself to read that chapter that i was able to feel better because it turned out that those warnings were extremely misleading out of context and there was a happy ending after all.

putting that much emotional dependence on a story is unhealthy. this fic made me feel like shit, and that’s unhealthy. it took me back and showed me a very dark place that i haven’t been to for years, reintroduced thought processes that i have moved past indulging in for a Good Reason, and made me feel hopeless and sad about my own future despite the recent positive feelings i’d been starting to have. i saw myself in the characters and their struggles. i saw both my past self and the ugly side of my recovering self at the same time. i related to these characters so deeply and integrally that i couldn’t handle the thought of anything but a happy ending, and i don’t know how i would be feeling right now had things gone wrong in the end. that’s unhealthy.

i’m proud of how far i’ve come. i have come a long way since my darkest days. i’ve learned a lot about self love and what it means to take care of yourself. what it means to find meaning in the little things and to keep pushing forward for them. to hold onto the happiness in my life and keep finding more things to be happy about.

this fic felt like a huge step backward, and i knew it was even as i continued to read it. i ignored every voice in my head telling me to stop, to just let this one go. i wanted to see how the story would end. i wanted the emotional satisfaction of seeing everything turn out okay, of conflict resolution and watching characters get back on their feet. it’s okay to want that, but when the journey to get there is so bogged down with these harmful paths, it’s better to just take a different route altogether and leave it behind. it’s a part of my life that i’ve worked so hard to leave behind me; dragging it back in was the wrong thing to do. 

like i said, im lucky everything turned out okay in the end. but im still dealing with the emotional repercussions. it may have ended well, but all the rest of those 125k words of misery still happened. they still brought my mind back to those bad places. i’ll be able to move past this, i know i will, but i only just finished reading it yesterday, so it’s still pretty fresh in my mind. immediately after i finished the last chapter, i went looking for the happiest and most wholesome fics i could find in comparison. a part of what had upset me so much, besides everything else, was the fact that my favorite relationship from the show was broken almost beyond repair in this story, so i found fics with those characters that showed unconditional love and friendship instead, and that helped me feel a lot better immediately. this fic had been one of the first ones i read for this fandom, so i think it was kind of acting as the defining example of this fandom’s fic for me; repairing that mental connection is helping me move on from it, because there are so many other stories to be told and i’d much rather have those define my experience here instead.

so, ultimately, what did i learn?? listen to ur fucking logical brain when it tells u to stop forcing urself to do something that’s hurting you!!!!! sure i would have been worried over that fic for a while, wondering how it all ended, if everything worked out, but i would have gotten over it, replaced it with better things, and i wouldn’t have had to go through the intense emotional labor i did while reading it. if you’re not enjoying something, it’s okay to just drop it!! it’s not as big a deal as it feels like in the moment. remove toxic things from your life, the quicker you can the better. live to better yourself and keep working at your own improvement. forgive yourself for messing up, take a deep breath, and move on. it will pass, and you will have become stronger for it. hold onto that strength and use it to keep moving forward. 

you can do it. 

i am proud of you.

#text posting #vent post #negative / #depression / #i have not mentioned the title of the fic or linked to it for what i assume to be obvious reasons; i do not advise anyone to seek it out #i have nothing against the author; i'm glad they were able to complete such an ambitious project and i think it turned out wonderfully #it just wasn't something i personally should have involved myself with