#and I’m tired of feeling like an unlovable burden when I’m in so much pain that I can’t stand | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

arc852 · 1 year

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Deserved

Summary: Jimmy feels like a burden and undeserving of being in The Bad Boys.

Warnings: self-deprecation, anxious thoughts, and feeling unloved

Word Count: 1591

Read on AO3

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Jimmy looked back at the half ruined mansion behind him before continuing on. Night had fallen and most, if not everyone, was asleep. Times like these were the only times they were able to rest without the worry of someone coming after them. Not that many people had to worry right now. The early stages of the life series were always the most relaxed and with even more lives to spare this time around, it seemed even more so.

So why wasn’t Jimmy taking advantage of this time to get some sleep? Well, the fact of the matter was he couldn’t. He felt tired but no matter how much he tossed and turned, his own thoughts kept him awake. So he decided he needed to go for a little walk.

He found a little clearing among the dark forest and lit it up before sitting on a rock near the center. He took a deep breath.

He loved being part of the bad boys. It was a fun little group, him, Grian, and Joel.

But…did he really deserve a place in their group?

No. The answer was no.

The game had barely begun and he already felt like he was holding the others back. Just like with Scott. Just like with the Southlands. Just like with-

“I had a feeling I would find you out here.” The sudden voice cut through Jimmy’s thoughts and he screamed, jumping in his seat. Turning, he saw Tango walk out of the trees, laughing at having scared him.

“Tango! You can’t just do that!” Jimmy cried, placing a hand on his chest to calm his heart rate down.

“Sorry, sorry.” Tango laughed, though he did at least seem a bit sorry. Jimmy huffed before taking in the circumstances.

“Wait, how did you know I would be out here?” Jimmy asked. Him and Tango hadn’t spoken much since the game started. Just one instance where Jimmy had hit him with a pickaxe when trying to get away with Joel.

Tango sat down next to him and shrugged. “I don’t know. Just a feeling.” Jimmy hummed but understood well enough. Ever since double life, it seemed the soulbounds never quite broke all the way. They no longer felt each other's pain, of course, but there were…feelings. Echoes. None of them knew how to explain it but none of them did anything about it. It was kind of nice, to still be connected in some way.

“So, why are you out here? Shouldn’t you be getting some rest for the next session?” Tango asked and Jimmy sighed, having dreaded the question. He glanced back toward the mansion before looking down.

“Tried. Couldn’t sleep.” Jimmy said, keeping his answers short and not necessarily untrue. But Tango wasn’t deterred.

“Come on rancher, you can tell me.” Tango said softly. “We might not be teamed this series but I’m still here for you.”

Jimmy hated Tango for knowing how to get him to open up. But he also loved him for the same reason. Jimmy slunk deeper into himself, eyes still trained on the floor.

“I’m not good enough to be on a team with Grian and Joel.” Jimmy said and there it was, out of his head and into the open.

“What? Did they tell you that?” Jimmy could feel the heat coming off of Tango in waves all of a sudden and Jimmy shot up and put his hands up in an attempt to calm Tango’s anger.

“No! No! They haven’t said anything like that.” At least not to his face. He wouldn’t blame them if that was what they thought though.

Tango’s anger cooled, as did his flames, but now he looked confused. “Then why do you think that?”

Jimmy shrugged and looked back down. “Because it’s true? Grian and Joel have always been good at this game, always making it near the end or even winning in Grian's case. But I’m…well, everyone knows about my curse. How I’m always the first one out. How I…always drag people down with me.” He said that last part with a glance towards Tango. “I mean, it was my fault we were out first last time. You were doomed the second the game paired us together.”

There was silence, to the point where Jimmy would have thought Tango left if not for being able to feel the heat coming off his rancher. But he could and he was still there. Just…silent.

“Jimmy.” Tango spoke after what felt like hours. “Can you look at me?” Jimmy hesitated for only a moment before looking up and meeting Tango’s eyes. “There we go.” Tango smiled but the expression turned more serious a moment later. “It was not your fault.”

Jimmy frowned. “But-”

“Nope, let me finish talking.” Tango cut him off, not unkindly, and Jimmy closed his mouth, letting Tango continue. “It was not your fault. Us dying last season was not your fault. You aren’t cursed Jimmy, I don’t care what anyone else says. You deserve to have a good team. You deserve people who care about you.”

Jimmy tried to swallow but his throat felt dry. Tears pricked the corner of his eyes. “I don’t feel like I do.” And it was, unfortunately, true. Even with Tango being so nice to him back in double life and now, his time throughout Empires rings in his ears like a broken song. He knows it's all just jokes and for lore and all of that. He knows that. But… “I don’t think I have in a long time.”

“Jimmy…” He felt a hand cup his cheek and lift his head so he now met Tango’s eyes. He hadn’t even realized he had wandered away from them. “You do. You deserve just as much as anyone else. You were never a burden to me and you aren’t a burden to Grian and Joel either.”

Jimmy blinked and thought back to earlier in the day. Joel hadn’t hesitated to keep Jimmy with him once they met up. And Grian had said nothing about it either when he joined them. In fact, Jimmy felt happy when thinking back. They had fun being The Bad Boys.

But his happiness soon turned to anxiousness and dread. Because he didn’t deserve it.

“I feel like I've always been a burden to them especially.” Jimmy spoke softly.

“Jimmy, you idiot. Why on earth would you believe that?” Another sudden voice, not Tango’s, exclaimed. Jimmy once again found him jumping in surprise and turning to find Joel in the clearing. Not far behind him was Grian. They both looked…more than a little concerned.

“How-How long have you two been there?” Jimmy stammered out, suddenly feeling ashamed for how they found him.

“Long enough.” Grian said, and oh, Jimmy hadn’t seen him look like that since after 3rd life. Grian glanced over to Tango. “Thanks for letting us know.”

Jimmy blinked and then looked back at Tango. “Wait, you…?”

Tango nodded, an apologetic smile on his face. “Yeah, I messaged them a few minutes ago. Sorry rancher, but I've told you all this before. You need to hear it from them now.”

Footsteps came up behind him and a gentle hand was placed on his shoulder. “We’ve got it from here. Thanks, Tango.” It was Joel.

“Anytime.” Tango said and then met Jimmy’s eyes again. “I mean it.” Tango stood up and at the same time, Jimmy was also led to stand, Joel’s hand never leaving his shoulder. The grip was gentle but unmoving.

Tango left, as silently as he had come and Jimmy was led in the opposite direction, back toward their base. They were all silent as they made their way back, which only made Jimmy feel worse. What if Tango was wrong? What if they were about to kick him out of The Bad Boys?

As soon as they made it back up to the roof, however, Jimmy was suddenly pulled into a hug from both Joel and Grian. “We’re so sorry Tim.” Grian said, his voice muffled from having his face pressed into Jimmy’s shirt. “We’re so sorry we ever made you feel like you didn’t deserve anything.”

“You’re not a burden.” Joel spoke. “Not here, not on Empires, not ever.”

Jimmy couldn’t keep it in any longer. He broke down, falling to his knees and taking Grian and Joel down with him. But they didn’t seem to mind. They just held on tighter. And Jimmy held them back.

They were there for what felt like hours but eventually they made it back to their beds, which they had pulled together. Jimmy laid in the middle, hugged by Grian and Joel on either side. He felt a lot better. Not all the way. But better.

“We still have a lot to talk about.” Grian murmured, not wanting to talk too loud, as if he would break the peace if he did.

“I know.” Jimmy said.

“Us too, on Empires.” Joel said in the same tone.

“I know.” Jimmy said, with a bit more of a wince. But if this moment taught him anything, it was that he needed to speak more openly about his feelings. Lest he find himself dug into the anxiety ridden, self-deprecating hole he found himself in earlier.

And if this moment taught Grian and Joel anything, it was that they needed to be much more open about their love for their friend.

“We love you Jim, please don’t forget that.”

And Jimmy, for the first time in a long time, believed that to be true.

#limited life #life series #trafficblr #jimmy solidarity #tangotek #grian #joel smallishbeans #hurt/comfort #fic #my fic #the bad boys #platonic #jimmy solidarity angst

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the-sappho-of-lesbos · 2 years

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Tw internalised homophobia / suicide

I think it’s just one of those days where I can’t stop thinking , it’s not going to get better is it? It’s not going to change. I’m just going to be stuck in this loop forever until I die of natural causes. I’m just going to be alone and unloved for the rest of my life. I get upset when people hate on lesbians but with how much I hate myself I feel like I’m not given any room to talk.

I’ve dreaming of death a lot lately. I’ve been thinking of it more then I have in a long while. Longing for it even more. Hoping I’ll just fall asleep and never wake up. But also I feel like I have the least amount of choice over the matter then I’ve ever had before too. I know I’ve had moments of lapse where I have overdosed or just been sent to hospital. But for the most part I feel like I’m not allowed to die because of the impact it will have on my family. So I hold on. But in those pure moments of loneliness and desperation I have fallen into those holes of selfishness. Where I almost feel resentful over having to live a life of sadness and pain just so others won’t have to experience over my lose. Where I just become selfish and don’t care anymore. But it feels even harder to fall into that selfish release that I’m craving now because my support worker had one of her other consumers pass away recently and it fully hit me that I’m not allowed to die. I could hear the pain on her voice. I knew how much it affected her. And all the others at her work. But trying to get help for my mental health I have tied myself to so many people - people that are there to help others. The massive domino effect that would happen if I were to leave like I so desperately want to is just as overwhelming as the thought of having to stay alive. But it carries so much more guilt with it. By one swing I could wreck so many lives. And I can’t bear that. I can’t hold that weight. It’s too much responsibility for my soul.

But now I just feel stuck. I feel stuck in a world that won’t let me fully be my authentic self - that won’t let me find the one thing I want , a warm and requited love. I will feel I will stagnant and in pain and lonely and uneventful for the rest of my life. And that I must just patiently wait it out until it’s an “acceptable” time to let nature take me or i will be responsible for so much pain. I don’t want to cause anyone pain. I don’t want to burden anyone. But I also don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be awake. I don’t want to be alone.

I just want sleep. To never wake up. But I fully see it’s not an option. Despite me wanting it now more then ever. But this doesn’t feel like living either. This feels like pretending to be here so others won’t be sad.

And it’s draining. I’m tired. I’m tired of being lonely. Im tired of being lazy and unmotivated. Im tired of being sad. Im tired of hating myself. Im tired of feeling worthless and trapped and broken. This world terrifies me. Ageing terrifies me. Work terrifies me. Staying stagnant terrifies me. People terrify me. The whole thing is a massive ride I just want off. Now. But it’s not a choice. It’s not an option. So I’m still here and I hate it. But I genuinely feel like I have no other choice.

#I’m just very upset today it would seem #tw #trigger warning #personal

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its-monster-mash · 1 year

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Okay it’s late and I had a very emotional time in the shower so now I’m thinking about personal trauma regarding my mom and I’m thinking about Bo Sinclair and HIS mom and I am a MESS and I think it’s really fascinating from a psychological standpoint so maybe I shouldn’t rant about it on the internet, but I’m going to anyway so BAM. Under the cut for those morbidly curious.

POST WRITING WARNING: That got super incoherent. I am tired and posting anyway. Feel free to pick apart my brain. I am at peace with it. Picking apart my brain is a thing my best friend and I do for sport now tbh.

So long story short, my mom was neglectful at best, and frequently abusive when I was growing up. Like, I ate dog food to stave off hunger pains neglectful and scream at me red faced and nostrils flaring so hard for wetting the bed when I was three that my dad strangled her and that’s why they got a divorce abusive, like, lock me outside until I “Figure it out” when there was a solid BLOCK of ice around the duck enclosure and I broke the shovel trying to chip it away abusive, insist my (former)stepdad is only PLAYING when he beats me and I’m “taking it too far” when I fight back neglectful. (She was on a medication that has since been recalled for causing episodes of violent psychosis and memory loss; she had no idea she was doing any of that—we are on peaceful terms NOW and I no longer blame her; but obviously that doesn’t mean it didn’t effect me VERY badly, I just consider the “mom” from my childhood and my Mom today as two different people)

Anyway, when I was eighteen years old, my mom admitted to me that she never loved me. She told me about how she thought she loved me when I was born, because she didn’t know any better, but that she loved me “the way you love someone else’s baby; like any baby you can just give back” but that she always kind of resented ME for us not having that closeness a mother and daughter “should have”. She said that she didn’t realize until my brother was born(I was nine at the time) what it was supposed to feel like to love your own child. She told me it broke her heart, because she realized she’d spent nine years Not Loving Me and felt like by then it was too late to try to get help and that our relationship was just doomed because she couldn’t love me. (Our relationship only actually improved when my son was born; but the love my mom and I have for each other is definitely Chosen love, more like friends than mother and daughter—though she is a wonderful Grandma)

But like, with that out of the way, Bo Sinclair absolutely breaks my heart because I am INTIMATELY familiar with how it feels to grow up with a mother who does not love you, and who is not impressed with anything you do no matter how hard you try. ESPECIALLY with the “Why can’t you be more like your brother” line in the movie. Like, I 100% know how it feels to grow up watching your sibling be loved while you’re just the burden. (Only, I’m so much older than MY brother, that in our situation I was basically acting as his parent because our mom and his dad were absolutely in no way cut out for the job; so as you can imagine that was…painful).

But like, Bo CLEARLY is still obsessed with trying to prove to his mother even after she’s dead that he’s worthy of her love, and it breaks me because I know from experience how hard it is to accept that you don’t NEED your mother’s love. Being unloved as a child doesn’t mean you can’t ever be loved or that there’s just something about you that people can’t love.

Like GOD Bo is a fucking trash man and literally everything is wrong with him but he did not deserve the childhood that was inflicted upon him.

TLDR: I am normal about Bo Sinclair I am normal about Bo Sinclair I am so fucking NORMAL about Bo Sinclair and also my childhood sucked.

#mypost #oof #yeah this is about how my mother didn’t love me lol #and admitted it to me #because that’s fun #that was eight years ago now

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sadlittlebaddie · 4 months

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Am I really hard to love?

Am I really difficult to choose?

Am I really asking for too much?

These questions…

As I lay here, I just felt like I’m really exhausted. Tired. Drained. Unable to move. Not even to just make myself some coffee. You know it’s kinda difficult to keep up with a relationship wherein you were working your ass off just to keep it going. Just one argument your partner will just burst out and say “I’m really done with you.”when he isn’t. That’s a really different type of pain you know. All the anxiety and hurting that I deprived myself to feel just came rushing back at me. All the numbing that I did for you not to hurt me had just stabbed me for the nth time. Idk. After that I just felt like this. Stuck. Trying to bargain with life everyday. Trying to forget. Keeping myself busy with work just so I could avoid remembering it. And here you are, acting like you didn’t say something to shatter my world. Less worrisome. You’re trying to make it the same as it was. But you know it’s not the same as it was.

I don’t want to unlove you, but you are teaching me how to. When I cling to you bc I needed you too; You weren’t there. You just went on with your shenanigans with your peers. Little by little, day by day, it was the same for you. I had put you first for as long as I can remember. I had to pretend that I was cool with it, I might be okay but I know I’m not fine at all. I’m tired to chase after you. Really tired. Idk if I can pour some love more or how much more I can take. But I, too, am tired of putting up with you. But I never entertained the idea of leaving you just bc I am tired. But hearing it coming from you, just made me lose hope that I have in me.

These past few weeks, I feel so distant from you, I am struggling too you know, but you have no clue since I am not telling you everything since I know you have been struggling and I just have to be there for you, I don’t wanna be a burden, not now. I say my problems can wait… but no. You left. Emotionally, you did. You left me when I fucking needed you. But “that’s alright” I tell myself this.

Kept a strong facade just so I can be a loving and nurturing other half to you.

I don’t know how to keep myself from being in this relationship.

This post has been stuck on my drafts for a year now. I have completely forgotten about it. Idk why I just saved it when I should’ve just posted it. I guess I’m just a coward back then.

#Spotify #him #des

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comfortzonelm · 1 year

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My Almost

Hi "Babe" shit I miss this char! Namiss kong tawagin ka na babe and please pagbigyan mo ko ulit this time tawagin kang babe. Hindi ko alam ano pa sasabihin ko pero alam mo naman na Mahal kita.

Thank you sa 3months na pagiging girlfriend mo, thank you at hinayaan mo kong mahalin ka. Alam mong mahal na mahal kita since day 1 na nakilala kita, yes hindi ko agad nasabi sayo pero pinaramdam ko naman lagi ako available sayo until now. Ganun kita pinapahalagahan , ikaw ang the best na nakilala ko sa LITMATCH alam mong kaya ko silang talikuran at ikaw pa din ang pipiliin ko. Pero this time I’m gonna choose myself. Sobrang dami natin memories together since day 1 na nag usap tayo. Ikaw ang naging comfort zone ko kahit minsan balagbag lang naman ang alam mo pero pag kausap mo never mo pina pafeel sakin na balagbagin mo ko.

Ikaw yun kachismisan ko everyday alam mo yun gigising pa lang tayo ng 6am chismis na hangggang sa matulog chismis pa din minsan naiisip ko na sana hindi na lang tayo pumasok sa relationship pero hindi naman ako nagsisi na naging tayo dahil sobra ko naging masaya nun naging tayo at alam ko naman na ganun ka din.

Kahit magkachat tayo sa Messenger since November 25 puro chat lang and then never naman tayo nagusap tru voicecall na akala ng iba na nag uusap na tayo. Sobrang napakaganda lang ng samahan natin kaya sobrang hirap ako makaget over. Nawala yun taong comfort zone at yun taong mahal ko.

I just want you to know that honestly. I’m starting to accept that we cannot pretend that everything could be like we used to be. Even though I really want this to work pero ayaw mo na and I understand, there are things that we can’t force just to make it happen. Loving you made me the happiest.

You’re love made me feel my worth. You’re the reason why I can smile genuinely , and words will never be enough to express how grateful I am and to tell the world why you’re the best of the best.

Thank you for making me feel safe and secure. You taught me a lot of things. Now I know why people tend to watch the moon from apart.

You don’t know how much it makes my heart heave not to expect your chats, especially when you were consistently sending them before. You don’t know how sad it is knowing that I’m not the first person you want to talk first in the morning anymore. You don’t know how painful its is to unlove someone that you want to love every second of your life. It’s sad that we ended like this and you don’t want to fix it anymore. I am just waiting myself to accept the fact that isn’t work anymore, but there’s still hope in me, so I still don’t have the courage to leave. You were the first person that I’ve ever love this way but I think loving you isn’t enough for us to work. I tried my best, but it’s draining me too. I am slowly detaching myself from you. You mean so much to me but I don’t want to lose myself. We could’ve been a silly , cute couple, but there are so many things happen in our lives that make this relationship not work. I’m thankful for all positive things that you influenced in my life. You were my source of happiness but you also caused me pain that I never knew I would experience. I know at some point I hurt you I want to apologize for, Also sorry that I could not keep my promise that I would stay no matter what. I am tired of missing someone who doesn’t even care about my presence. It’s so exhausting to beg for love. I wish I could tell you all of this, but there are things that are better kept unsaid. I love you but I think that love isn’t worth it anymore to stay and hurt myself over and over again.

Thank you Ceejhay sa lahat. Alam kong minahal mo ko and accept ko na hanggang dun na lang. Sorry kung naging mahina ako sa breakup natin na kelangan mo dalhin ng guilty dahil sa nagkakasakit ako pero this time you don’t have to worry hindi mo na ako magiging burden sorry sa mga stress na binigay ko sayo sorry kung nagiging masama ka sa tingin ng iba I know na healing process mo yan ginagawa mo. Pero sabi ko naman sayo if you and that girl are really in good terms magiging masaya ako para sa inyo ako lang din naman ang pumasok sa buhay nyo kaya naudlot.

Basta sa susunod na mamahalin mo at mamahalin ka sana tulad ng pagmamahal ko. Mahal na mahal kita Ceejhay. Goodluck sa magiging career mo. Alam mo naman andito lang din ako pag may need ka. And sana wag ka na masyado magpuyat and wag ka na mag overthink sa mga bagay bagay. Sana maiwasan mo na din ang sleep paralysis. Sana pag nahilik ka ng sobra may gumising sayo kasi delikado yun. Lagi ka mag iingat kahit alam kong maingat ka naman talaga. Wag din masyado mainitin ang ulo.

Thank you for being part of my life. Thank you for being my lamp in my darkest days. Thank you for the “good morning texts”, “the goodnight texts”

I love you my comfort zone.

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aaronstveit · 1 year

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I didn’t want to bother when you just wrote you’re in pain tonight but reading the way you reply to your asks makes me trust you will answer to this one with kindness whenever you do it (don’t feel obligated to answer today, I’m wishing you feel better soon, and that your 2023 will outsell every other year of your life so far, that you’ll feel obnoxiously happy and loved and well, that you’ll create a bunch of gifsets we’ll adore, that you’ll read the best books and fics ever, that the sun will shine so bright on you! These are my sincere wishes). So, I’ve been struggling—suffering would be a more adequate word tbh— to connect with people lately. I’ve been sick for a few days now so excuse me if I sound melodramatic, I’m just feeling so so bad. My best friend didn’t wish me anything on New Years, we always exchange messages when it’s midnight and this year she wasn’t there, she answered me yesterday afternoon and didn’t wish me anything specific like I did to her, she didn’t answer my previous messages either. And I feel like she’s always avoiding talking to me about herself. It could be that she’s feeling depressed or something but I ask her so many times and she always shuts me off like I’m not allowed to know about her. And this way I never feel comfortable sharing my own struggles with her anymore. She’d often make me feel like I was burdening her. Every friend I have prefer doing anything better than talking and listening to me. They don’t care about anything I’m passionate about and the people who used to care just don’t talk to me anymore either. I try so hard to make others happy, to make them feel loved, to create little gifts for them… But it feels like the more I try, the more they go away. And I’m so tired and scared of making new friends. Believe me when I say I’ve worn my heart on my sleeve way too many times and every time they just… lose interest in me. I write stories and wanted so badly to talk about them with someone but they don’t even care to read my words, even if I ask, even if I sound pathetically in need of an opinion or feedback. I talk and people don’t want to listen and now they don’t even want me to listen to them talk about their lives. You know when people think Charlie Brown is an exaggeration of a kid with ‘bad luck’? That the more he tries the less he gets? That’s how I feel. Without the part Snoopy loves me or my friends do care occasionally. I feel so lonely and so hurt and I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s like a sign for me to stop trying to find this connection, to stop wanting to share myself and the things I love with others. Being alone sucks but I can handle being disappointed on myself. It’s so awful to be hurt by people you love while knowing they have other people they care more and maybe they won’t even miss me if I stop talking to them. Any thoughts on what could I do or what do you think it’s wrong with me? Why can’t they love me like real friends do? I’m sorry to sound so depressing, it was stronger than me, my urge to send you this message. Be well, Jamie. I bet whoever has the privilege of being your friend is just so very lucky! Best wishes. 🤍

hi anon, i’m sorry it’s taken my a while to answer this message. thank you so much for your kind words 💗💕 i hope that 2023 is everything you dreamed it could be and more.

i’m really sorry you’ve been feeling this way and having these experiences with your friends :( i’m also sorry to hear you’ve been sick, i hope you’re starting to feel better.

i don’t think that there is anything wrong with you. not even a little bit. when we’re lonely, our brains like to trick us into thinking it’s our own fault, but it isn’t. i know that’s easier for me to say from the outside, but it’s the truth.

as someone who has spent so much of her life feeling acutely, indescribably lonely, i really feel what you’re saying here. and i know how hard it is to open yourself up to more possible friends when you’ve always felt on the outside, unloved, unlovable. you aren’t unlovable, by the way. what’s that line from everything everywhere all at once? you aren’t unlovable! there is always something to love!

i know it is so much easier for me to say than for you to do, but i do think at some point we have to accept that there are limits for how much some people can love us, limits to how far some friendships can go. sometimes we have to say, “this is only ever going to be a casual friendship. we are never going to bare our souls to each other.” and it fucking sucks. it hurts like hell to be the person who loves more. to let people hold you at arm’s length. but i think it hurts more in the end to keep pushing.

the good news and the bad news are one and the same: we are made for connections. it hurts when we’re deprived of them, but I promise you, we are so close to so many more connections than we are missing. because the world is huge and we have more access to it than anyone who came before us. i promise you, there are a thousand people out there right now feeling just like you, wanting to be loved and to share their lives, just waiting to have a friend just like you. i hope i don’t sound absently, emptily optimistic, because i really do believe this. the hardest part is finding the right people, but i do believe the right people are out there. the people who will love you the hardest are out there. the hardest part is finding them.

that’s the part i kinda suck at - i tend to fall face-first into friendships, never finding one when i’m actually looking. my favorite course of action is finding an extrovert to take me under their wing and bring me everywhere with them, but there are definitely better ways to make friends than that. message someone here on tumblr with similar interests to you. join a discord server, maybe a writing community! or make a NaNoWriMo! i hope i don’t sound condescending. i know how much easier this is as a concept than as an actual action. putting yourself out there is hard, and it’s scary, and it’s exhausting. but i truly believe it’s worth it.

you’re also welcome to message me any time! I would love to read some of your writing if you’d like to share it, or just to chat! i am always around and i think that i’d be lucky to be your friend 💞

i am sending you the biggest, warmest hug. i hope 2023 is the year that you find your people. i hope you feel completely enveloped in love. i hope you smile more than you have in the rest of your life. sending you all of my love, and i am manifesting the greatest year for you 💛

#thank you💛#answered #love letters only💛#anonymous

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neverendingrough · 1 year

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Anxiety, sadness, pain is so constant. Never being accepted. Always being questioned and disliked first thing. Chances to do great things rarely given. So unlovable. So unlikeable. Am I even alive for a reason?

Wish my anxiety would turn into courage, sadness into joy, pain into the past.

Lived life mostly feeling alone. Not many care.

Every day I feel drained. Tired. Of course I have the few people who love me that make me happy. The hobbies that make me happy. But my pain. Physical, emotional, mental. All outweigh it. My brain doesn’t work right. My head always hurts.

I woke up one day and my chest hurt for 15 minutes. A sharp pain if I moved even a little. I thought maybe it’s finally time. Nobody has to worry I’ll be in a better place. This world is too ugly. Too messed up for someone like me when I wish people would be more kind.

I feel I have nobody who understands. Nobody who takes the time to hear my pain. To really listen. When I try to speak about my needs it’s too much to ask for. Unreasonable even. I’m tired of being in situations that make me feel like I can’t breathe. Like I need to get out. Too much people that could care less I was dead or alive. Too much stimulation.

I feel ungrateful but what is there to enjoy if you feel nobody is on your side? Alone. That’s how I feel. With the weight of everything on my shoulders alone. Everyone has their own problems to worry about. Why add to the burden when I already feel like one? People make me seem like the problem. When is anyone ever accountable for hurting my feelings? When they break me. My spirit. My heart. My only joy that day if I even feel it for a glimpse. I wish for peace in my heart and mind

When has anyone put me first? When have I been anyone’s first choice? No job offers. Usually abandoned. Forgotten.

Manipulated. Deceived. Misunderstood. Betrayed.

Yet I’m expected to always be positive. To act like I’m okay. When I’m never okay. I haven’t been for over 10 years. I’m fed up with my life.

To die, would it be better?

0 notes

rosiecomedown · 2 years

Text

I had so much fun this weekend - I went to Pride with my friends ! But I think I’m in a bad place again, and have been for quite some time. In fact I don’t think this feeling ever goes away, it just makes itself quieter, like some distant background noise, when i’m distracted or having fun. But actually I always feel so so so lonely, it’s almost unbearable. And even at Pride this weekend, surrounded by people like me and some of my friends, I felt lonelier than ever. I wish I could say « give me juste one good hug and a kiss and I’ll be alright », but I’d be lying. I don’t think it would ever be enough. I will always crave more. I am so touchstarved it actually physically pains me. My best friend isn’t even on the same continent right now and I don’t feel comfortable talking to her about it over FaceTime, so I just say I’m okay. But really I’m not. And it’s always the same issue and she must be tired of hearing me complain about how lonely I am all the time anyway. I don’t think she could ever understand this feeling anyway considering she’s always in a relationship or the focus of everyone’s attention. I feel unloved and unloveable. I don’t think I could ever be worth loving, I’m too much of a burden, too awkward and my face is too weird looking. But still, I hope. I want to hug someone and I want to feel again. I’m extremely numb right now, life feels tasteless, even when I’m doing supposedly fun things I feel sad because I’m doing them on my own. The worst thing is I’ve been feeling like this (on and off but mostly on) for years now, and rationally I know it’s dumb and I’m not that unloveable or that lonely, but I still feel like I am, and it hurts. I feel like there’s no cure. Unless I magically meet someone but honestly I do go out and that never happens so yeah, I don’t have much hope left in me. I don’t know how long I can keep going like this. It’s so hard doing life all on your own. More than love, I crave intimacy, meaningful connections, honestly even in a platonic way, just companionship. I do crave physical love though, I’m so touchstarved. But just a hug from a friend would do, or just gentle touches, but my best friend does not like physical contact (with me at least…) and she’s an ocean away anyway. So I try to soothe myself and hug myself and caress my face gently and pretend it’s someone else’s hand, but then I picture myself doing that all alone in my little room and I feel so pathetic and is that really so much too ask? Just a little love, a little gentle touching, I’m not asking for the world, I’m not even asking for a romantic relationship, just gentle loving for a little bit. I just need this to go on. I don’t understand why I would not deserve this. Why can’t I have that? It really hurts seeing everyone around me getting that love and me just feeling cold and hugging myself to try to ease the pain

0 notes

atlas-of-a-human-soul · 3 years

Text

Draw your swords, pt. 13

Summary: Terrified of losing Y/N, the Darkling lets his defenses fall.

Warnings: angst, slight fluff, sexual content

Part one // Part two // Part three // Part four // Part five // Part six // Part seven // Part eight // Part nine // Part ten // Part eleven // Part twelve

=================================

“Stay with me”, the Darkling trembled as he rushed back to the camp. He held her body close to his chest, her head slumped right where his heart beats thunderstorms in her name.

She’s slipping away, he can feel it. The injuries she suffered and the power she used weakened her irreversibly.

He should be angry with her, enraged, but he had no strength to spare for violent emotions. His heart couldn’t bare much more than the pain he found himself drowning in. It wasn’t the pain of his own wounds, rather the pain of her parted lips and ragged breaths that came like final gushes of air her lungs released.

“HEALER!” He shouted, hoping, praying to the Saints he never believed in before.

“HEALER!” There was something in his screams for help, an unimaginable pain behind it.

Y/N’s fingers twitched, her chest rising in a strange manner; what should expand with an inhale suddenly draws in, a paradox he had seen in dying soldiers.

“HEALER!” It was the kind of scream that went straight for the heart.

Everyone tensed, following the Darkling – a man who never showed genuine emotion other than rage. His call for healers felt like a cry from the heart and soul that stretched across the foundations of who he is. The anguish tore through him as he saw a healer run toward him.

Letting out a shuddered breath in relief, he collapsed to his knees. “Not me!” He growled as the healer tried placing her hands on him, “Help her! Save my wife!”

Nodding, the healer looked down at Y/N with wide eyes. Another healer arrived too, then another, and another.

The Darkling refused to let her out of his embrace as two of the healers tried to take her away. “No!”

“We have to take her”, the first healer insisted. “She doesn’t have long and we have to act fast and that’s not going to happen while you’re clinging to her!” Eyes wide, she covers her mouth as it dawns on her who she’s speaking to. “Respectfully, General.”

Staring at her with raw suffering, Aleksander licked his trembling lips. He closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around her. Leaning in, he pressed a kiss to her temple instead of her forehead – forehead kisses in this moment would feel as if he’s kissing her corpse before her final rest.

He couldn’t stomach that thought.

“If you die, I’ll never forgive you”, he whispers.

This isn’t how it’s meant to be, how it’s supposed to be. He could never believe anyone ever loved anyone the way he loves her.

Nothing ever made him so frightened as the thought of losing her.

“Take her”, Mal tells them. Looking down at Kirigan who seemed incapable of standing back up on his own, he realized he had to take over.. “And send someone for your General. Send everyone for the wounded in the field.”

Aleksander looked up, jaw clenched and eyes swimming in tears he has yet to shed.

“I’m not leaving”, Mal quipped. “She’s my General.”

Y/N wasn’t able to scream, despite the pain darkening her mind. She tried to focus on her breathing, on staying alive. The only awareness she had was of Aleksander’s arms around her – she felt his scent. When he touched her face, when he tried to gain her attention, she couldn’t open her eyes. Her ears kept ringing, mixing with a rumbling inside his chest. She managed to blink her eyes open once, just one more time to see him, but all she managed to get was a glimpse of his chin and beard.

She wondered how he’d look without it, if it would make him seem boyish, softer. Maybe it would have erased the burden on his shoulders - they may be wide, but they shouldn’t have to carry all that weight alone.

Suddenly, his scent was gone. She tried to reach for him, but her arms could not move, hanging freely instead. Cold seeped in, clinging to her insides, wrapping itself around her heart.

Slowly, her agony had faded. The pain gradually lifted, dissipating like fog. For a moment, she wondered if this is what death feels like – no more pain? No more suffering? Being alone and cold?

Despite everything, if she had a choice, she’d embrace the pain. If pain means she would return to him, to his warm arms, she’d gladly suffer.

Dizzy, confused, she felt herself being pulled up into reality. The disjointed haze receded enough for her to make sense of the world around her. Her eyelids feel heavy as she opens her eyes, the edges of her vision flickering. Blinking fast, her eyebrows knitted as her vision blurred.

‘Aleksander’, she wanted to call, but couldn’t say a word.

How odd it is that he’s the last one she thought about when she thought she’d die and he’s still the first one to come to mind when she wakes?

She no longer felt cold. He always had the ability to keep the cold away.

Sniffling, she jerked her hands away as she became aware of another’s touch. Sitting up on a table she was laid upon, she pulled herself aside before looking to the one who touched her earlier.

“It’s just me”, he raised his hands in mock surrender. “I needed to see you.” His voice is soft, sweet like honey.

Scoffing, she narrows her eyes at him and the cup of water he held out for her to take. Her mouth is dry, her throat like sandpaper. She may be angry with him, but the water he held out felt more important than their fight.

“Are you in any pain?” He asks, watching her drink all of the water in one go. “I could have them come and take it away.”

Letting out a loud sigh, she wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. Raising an eyebrow, she licked her dry lips.

“Can they take you away?”

Snorting, he suppresses a smile. As long as she’s capable of annoying him, she’s going to be fine.

“What were you thinking?” Threading his fingers through his hair, Aleksander frowned. “You could have died.”

“Would have saved you a lot of trouble in the future”, she quips. Standing, she stumbles.

Feeling his hands on her waist, Y/N felt her heart skip a beat. Even now, when she’d like nothing more than to walk away, her body reacts to him. Looking up at him, she inhales sharply as she sees the tears in his eyes.

“I’m scared”, he admitted and she blinked.

“Of what?” She frowned, “Me?” Does her power frighten him? Because it frightens her.

He shook his head, “Of me”, he looked at her. His hands trembled as they touched her skin, “I’m scared of hurting you.”

“I’m scared of you hurting me, too.”

Dropping his hand, he takes a step back. “I don’t think I’m capable of ever hurting you.”

“Tell that to my neck”, she remarks. Her hand brushes over where his hand had tightened its grip just the night before, fixing his gaze on him. He seemed to regret it.

‘Good’, she thought. ‘I hope it haunts him, because it will haunt me.’

“I apologize”, Aleksander swallows thickly. He can’t remember the last time he apologized to someone. A part of him questioned if he ever apologized for anything he’s done in his unusually long life. “I had no right to act the way I did.”

“You once told me I could choose the way to punish you if you ever hurt me”, she takes his hand, intertwining their fingers.

Aleksander nods, “I’m a man of my word.”

“What’s your name”, she asks. “Real name.”

His eyes locked on hers like magnets of different polarities. Isn’t that exactly what they are? She’s his polar opposite in every way, fated to attract.

“Aleksander Morozova.” He uttered a name long forgotten; a name he wanted to forget.

Aleksander was a weak boy who failed everyone that cared for him. He was soft, young, naïve and a damned fool for ever believing Grisha would ever be free. Even now as he elevated their status, Grisha had to serve a human – the Tsar.

Her eyes held barely contained anger. As her hands clasped, a few stray flickers of light appeared on her fingertips. Unclasping her hands immediately, she raised her chin up. “I want to know everything. Tell me your story.”

“And when will I hear yours?” Darkling demanded, swiping his thumb under his lower lip.

“You seem to mistake this for negotiations”, she maintained eye contact defiantly. “Last night you told me to either go back to the Palace or to cross the fold and return to my father. It’s a choice that would easily mean I can choose to stay with you or leave and never look back.”

Placing a hand on his chest, Y/N smirked. “You can either tell me the whole truth or watch me leave.” She spoke through gritted teeth, “Don’t push me unless you’re willing to lose.”

Cupping his left cheek, she allowed a luminescent glow cast a light on his handsome features. She was angry, so angry and tired and her own power often terrified her. For once, she wanted to use it for her own benefit rather than hide it.

“What good will it do?” Aleksander’s bottom lip quivers as her light illuminates tears collecting in his dark eyes. “You’ll hate me as they all do. Even my mother saw me as a monster.”

“I’ve seen what you really are. And I never turned away…what makes you think I will now?”

She felt his jaw clench under the palm of her hand as he swallowed thickly, “You would if you could see my heart, all of it.”

Exhaling through her nose, she shook her head. Her eyes soften, her lips parting. How could she ever be indifferent to his suffering? She wished she could be colder, to leave him in tears and not look back. Hearing his words, his belief that he’s unlovable tugged at her heartstrings.

"Have you no faith in me?"

In a fight, they’re lethal, but around each other their armor is gone.

“I’ve waited for you for centuries. I dreamed about you for hundreds of years before I ever saw your face. I longed for you, missed you, died and lived for you.” Taking her face in his hands, Aleksander bends. His forehead meets hers as his nose brushes against the tip of hers.

“Ever since I laid eyes on you, my dreams have been clearer, focused on you. And in my dreams I am kissing your mouth and you’re whispering ‘where have you been’”, his eyes overflow with tears as he continues with a fractured smile. “I say, ‘I’ve been lost, but I’m here now’.”

Swallowing thickly, he felt as if his heart was breaking. “You’re the only person who has ever been able to find the real me. You saw me underneath all the darkness.” Reaching for her hand, his fingers tremble. “I was waiting for you without knowing it. I’ll make up for all the mistakes, for all the years I was supposed to be kissing you.”

“So why is it so hard for you to be honest with me?” She whispers, her hands trembling as they hold onto his shoulders.

His frown deepens, “Why weren’t you honest with me?”

“You once joked and said I’m no Inferni”, she shrugged. “You were right about that. My mother was. Father never knew about either of us. Your turn.”

“I was honest”, he sighs. Stepping back, he frowns. “I told you my name, I answered your questions about the black heretic.”

Reaching for him, she felt her heartache intensify once his tears began to flow freely across his cheeks.

“Don’t”, he recoiled from her touch. She wrapped her arms around her own waist, hurt by the rejection.

“It’s not easy for me to talk about my past. It’s as if I’m cutting myself open, letting the ugliness spill out. It’s not painless.” Swallowing thickly, Darkling’s eyes widen as he tries to hold back more tears from escaping him. “It would have been simpler to close myself off and find an unremarkable lover who’d never dare defy me, but I keep taking the risk because I want to be with you and I hope that one day you will feel the same way about me.”

“I want”, she stopped, tucking her hair behind her ears.

His voice was quieter, “What do you want? I’ll give you everything.”

“I don’t know”, she replied honestly. “I’m hurt, Aleks. You hurt me after you promised to protect me.”

Running a hand across his face, wiping his tears away. He averts his gaze. Watching her break because of him deepens the cracks in his poorly stapled, bleeding heart.

“What do you want”, she looked to him with a weight in her chest. How can loving someone hurt so badly even when the love is reciprocated?

“Never mind what I want”, he turned away. Facing her now would have chipped away at his fragile sanity, so he did what a coward would – he hid.

“You asked what I want”, she placed her hands on her hips. “I want to know what you want.”

Shaking his head, he let out a breathless chuckle. “You”, he smiled. “I’ll always want you.”

Closing the distance between them, she closed her arms around his neck. Before she could reach for him, he gripped her by her thighs and lifted her effortlessly. Wrapping her legs around his waist on instinct, she got lost in the rush of blood to her head when he pinned her against the table behind her. He paused, searching her eyes.

Whatever he was looking for, she hoped he found it.

“I don’t own you”, his eyes flicker to her lips as she sinks her front teeth into the soft flesh of her bottom lip. “I never did. Human or Grisha, you always owned me. I was just too blind to see it.”

Brushing his lips against hers, Aleksander smiled in resignation. His eyes are so different in moments like these, softer than she ever imagined eyes could be.

“Your silver tongue won’t get you far”, she struggled to keep her eyes open with his lips a whisper away. “But you’re free to try.”

She felt his burning gaze, finding it hard to concentrate on much besides breathing. He observed her, capturing her soft, naturally charming and appealing nature. She’s genuine and sweet, the reason why everyone’s head turns when she walks into the room.

How did he not realize it before?

She’s the sun.

She always was.

He always did squint angrily at her like he does with the fireball in the sky.

Y/N’s hands ran up and down his chest as her lips claimed his - passionately, roughly, determinedly. Without a word, she started to unbutton his kefta, her cold fingertips brushing his warm skin - until she lost patience and ripped the bottom part wide open, pressing her palm against his chest as he broke the kiss.

“Are you sure?” He raised his eyebrows in concern.

“I’ll be mad at you tomorrow. Kiss me”, she ordered, drawing a smile on his lips as she pulled him closer, her lips reattaching to his, her teeth sinking into his lower one.

Pushing him onto the floor, she didn’t waste time. Her bottoms were down so quickly he hardly had time to take a proper breath before she unfastened his pants too.

Heaving, Aleksander could hardly get enough of the view on top of him - her beautiful mouth opening in pleasure every time she sunk down on him, her eyes rolling back into her head, her hands placed over his chest to keep herself steady. She speeds up, prompting his loud, uninhibited moans that drew an honest smile upon her lips. He trusted up and into her as his high hit fully, taking her by surprise. She gasped, his thrust giving her an unexpected release as she clenched around him.

Gasping for breath, she laid on top of him. Y/N was very aware of his arm around her as it pulled her close, his hand on her hip, giving it a light squeeze. He leaned into her, his lips pressing a tender kiss to her temple, making her tingle with anticipation of something more - something she shouldn’t think about after their argument.

How can she trust his change of heart has nothing to do with the fact she’s the Sun Summoner? How can she ever trust him at all?

Clearing her throat, she pulled herself off Aleksander. “Put something on, someone might come in”, she told him as she secured her pants back on. She could hardly look at him, afraid he’d weaken her resolve. She couldn’t forgive him so easily, even if her heart ached for him.

“Let me in”, a voice from outside the tent made Y/N look to the entrance with a frown.

She crossed the distance swiftly, her hands ready in case she had to use her sword. She goes to place her hand on the hilt only to find her sword is not on her.

It’s a good thing that’s not her only weapon.

“Hey!” She shouts at the Grisha as they pulled someone away. “Stop!”

“General?!” Mal laughs as he manages to look back at her, fighting against the Grisha.

“Mal?” She chuckles, glad to see he’s still alive.

“Leave him alone!” She orders, feeling a presence behind her. She didn’t need to look to know it’s Aleksander. Unfortunately for him, she wasn’t in the mood for anymore talking.

“You’re alive?!” Mal goes in for the hug, but his eyes catch a glimpse of Kirigan’s glare and he slowly backs away. “We need to regroup.”

“How many have we lost?” She frowns.

“You’re Grisha now”, Aleksander speaks up. “You don’t have to fight for the humans.”

Glancing over her shoulder, she scoffs at him. How could he even think she’d give up on her people now?

“That’s not something I’d like. I enjoy my humanity.”

She was the flame who lit his life on fire and while he was burning, he wanted to thank her for it and ask her to stay a while longer. Darkling nearly chuckled at the thought of calling her fire, but she is and he craves the burn.

The Darkling wanted Y/N to be the one addicted to him, in equal measure as he was addicted to her. He wanted to give her a reason to stay with him, if not for love, then for lust. He’d find a way to her heart in the meantime and knowing they’ll have a forever comforts him, but he needed to have her in every other way until then.

He knew he could make her truly happy if she’d let him and he wasn’t about to let her go.

Not without a fight.

Watching her walk away with the soldier, he clicked his tongue. Mal, whoever he is, poses a threat he needs to handle.

Swiftly.

=============================

A/N - I struggled so much writing this chapter, hope you guys like it. I’m probably gonna pass out now, I’m exhausted. xx

Tags: @bruxa0007 @rangotangomango @kaitlyn2907 @thestoryofmylife9 @shelivesindaydreamswme @hxrgreeves @safetyhtom @kaqua @savannah-elliott @all-art-is-quite-useless @azure23x @girlmadeofavocados @ashdab2611 @acciorudolphx @ladyblablabla @wckedheart @xceafh @sanna2020 @tarkanelima-blog @takethee @mellifluous-cosmos @marvel-ousnesss @tea-effect @starlightofsolaria @p3nny4urth0ught5 @blackbirddaredevil23 @sarcastic-and-cool @slytherinsbiggestproblem @within-thehollowcrown @notthatchhavi @musicconversedance @freakytillthemoon @lgkoval @honeyofthegods @queenmalhinewahine @misselsbells06 @whatthefluffrichard @aami98 @britriestbr @itsfangirlmendes @padme-parker @readingsssssssss @runawayolives @thehighladyofasgard @emlynblack @keithseabrook27 @dailydoseofchoices @deceivedeer @olympiacosplay @pansysgirlfriend @extrakyloren @daybleedsintonightfa11 @thoughts-and-funnies @weirdowithnobeardo @folkloresworld @remugoodgirl @yagorlemmalyn @gonehopelessgirl @fefethecoffeeaddict @naughtynecromancer @poison-of-the-ivie @strawb3rrydr3ss @supersouthy @theilliterateironman @evyiione @kimoranelson03 @wizardwheezes @woodsabby6 @liajiah @its-carlerrr

PART 14

#the darkling x reader #the darkling #aleksander morozova x reader #aleksander morozova #general kirigan x reader #kirigan x reader #general kirigan #shadown and bone

746 notes · View notes

goldenkirstein · 3 years

Text

i'd be home with you

or alternatively, jean has a bad day at work, and you pamper him

⋆⋅☆⋅⋆

zuzu requested: Modern AU Jean/fem reader where Jean comes home after a really long day at work (his shift ends later than yours does so you always come in a few hours before him) He's in a rly pissy mood but you think it's adorable so you give him a nice tight hug and he relaxes a bit 😭 then you coax him towards the bedroom so you can pamper him, asking him to place his head on your lap so you can rub his temples until he falls asleep...

pairing: jean x fem! reader

wc: 2.2k+

tags: fluff, some angst (?) modern! au, female reader, language, mentions of food.

a/n: this was so much fun to write, I love jean and always wanna take care of him bhsbhsbh, i changed up some things to make it fit, and it kinda got a teeeeensy but angsty but not too much. i hope you enjoy.

⋆⋅☆⋅⋆

You outstretched your arms, eyes glancing over to the clock in the corner of the living room.

Jean should be home soon.

The sound of the ticking clock filled the room as you laid back down on the couch, the side of your face pressed against the cool leather of the armrest, fingers lazily grazing over the pale white stitches, the bumps and ridges comforting you while you waited for your husband to come home.

Not too long after, you heard the familiar noise of the keys jingle against the doorknob, prompting you to shift your body to watch Jean as he walked through the front door; your lips quirked into a gentle smile, and you got up to greet him.

However, you noticed that he wasn’t his usual cheery self today. Weariness was clear as day on his face. He raised his eyebrows at you, the only indication that he acknowledged your presence.

He struggled to slip off his shoes until eventually sighing and reaching down to untie them, hair falling in front of his face, he cursed under his breath. You let out a giggle, immediately slapping your hand over your mouth, suppressing the noise.

“What are you laughing about?” He furrowed his brows, following your eyes until he realized you were staring at the socks peeping out of his shoes.

Tiny fried eggs decorated the navy socks he was wearing. He looked back up at you, an amused expression on your face, still trying to suppress your laughter.

His shoulders drooped, and he scowled at you, “knew I shouldn’t have worn these dumb socks today.”

You frowned and made your way over to him, “aww, baby, I wasn’t laughing at you, and hey, you love those socks! You look so cute with them on! ”

Jean turned his face away from you, “I’m not cute,” your frown deepened, and you brought your hand up to his face, causing him to look at you. Your wedding band was cool contrast against his cheek.

“Sure you are, my love. Did you not have a good day today?” At that, his eyes fluttered shut. He brought his hand up to remove yours; however, his hand lingered, resting on top of yours.

“Gonna take that as a no then.”

He nodded in agreement before opening his eyes and dropping his hand. You traced your fingers on his cheek until moving your arm around his neck, pulling him into a tight embrace. Jean wrapped his arms around your torso, relaxing into your touch. You nuzzled into the crook of his neck, breathing in his cologne, “missed you today, baby.”

You felt him release a deep breath, and you moved your hand to run your fingers through his hair. He hugged you tighter in response to your action, “missed you too.” His voice a low grumble.

Jean let go first, mumbling a quick thank you, and he gave you a slight smile, the first sign of happiness you could see on his face since he walked through the door minutes prior.

He began to bend down to finish taking off his shoes before you stopped him, “Nuh-uh, come with me.”

You gently tugged him up by elbow before clasping his hand in yours, leading the both of you into your bedroom. He opened his mouth in protest, “what are you doing?”

“What does it look like I’m doing, hun? Someone requires some T.L.C.” Pronouncing every letter with a slight lilt in your voice, you turned your head to smile at your husband; his eyebrows were still furrowed, shoulders carrying the weight of the day on him. You knew that if you left Jean to his own devices, he would end up bottling his feelings and act like nothing was wrong.

Your feet padded gently into the room; Jean followed suit. He pulled at your hand to let him go, but you weren’t giving up that easy. He was a stubborn man, no doubt about it, but after years of being together, when it came to Jean, you were just as headstrong.

Smoothing your palm over the soft beige bedsheets, you sat down, tapping your clothed thigh, “come lay down; you’ll feel better if you do.” You watched the man in front of you clench his jaw, tired, hazel eyes gazing into yours.

“I haven’t even taken my shoes off yet.” He sighed; your only response was to tug him closer to your seated frame. Pouting your lips up at him, you watched him chew the inside of his cheek before finally obliging.

“See, that wasn’t so hard” You grinned as you saw Jean sit down next to you and lay his head in your lap, ash brown hair splaying across your thighs. He hummed in content when he felt you run your fingers through the hair near his temples. “You wanna talk about what happened?” Jean shook his head, furrowing his brows once again. You swiped your thumb over the creased skin, causing his expression to soften.

He blinked his eyes up at you, “you don’t have to do this; I’m fine.” He tried to get up, but you pressed your palm against his chest, eyes pleading. You tilted your head at him, gazing with tenderness before hunching over to lightly kiss his forehead.

“Let me take care of you, Jeanie? Please?”

He laid back down, allowing you to rub his temples, taking away the pain of the day. It was the least you could do; on days where you felt unloveable, Jean would be there for you, holding you, whispering reassurances in your ear, delicately reminding you of his love and lending his strength to you when you needed it. So, while it pained your heart to watch Jean feel less than, it was second nature to you; you would always be there for him when he needs it.

The repetitive movements of the pads of your fingers against his head were soothing him, Jean’s eyelids were heavy, the time he spent with his eyes shut getting longer and longer with each passing minute.

“Haven’t taken my socks off.” He whispered, sleep overtaking him; his speech was slightly slurred.

“Don’t worry, you just sleep.” You continued massaging his head until his breathing steadied, eyes no longer opening. You smiled at the sight; he looked so peaceful and beautiful when he slept. Pausing your movements, you bent down and gave him another kiss on his forehead, smoothing the hair on his head.

You lifted him off your lap, sliding out from underneath him, and softly placed his head down on a pillow, careful not to disturb him. He shifted, turning to face the window next to the bed. The sun was beginning to set, and the slivers of orange light peeking through the curtains dusted over Jean’s face.

“My beautiful boy.” Warmth spread over your chest as you watched your husband rest, content that at this moment, his worries were not plaguing him.

You slid off his shoes, chuckling at the sight of socks once more. Jean had called the socks dumb, but you knew that he loved them. When you got them for him for his birthday, you remembered how he laughed when he unwrapped the package; the sound rang through the air, causing you to giggle at his reaction, before he reached over to plant a sloppy kiss on your cheek, murmuring a soft thank you through a wide-toothed smile.

After pulling off his socks, you quietly got him out of his dress shirt and pants and slipped a pair of sweatpants over his legs before drawing the comforter over his body and placing a kiss on his shoulder.

Jean awoke to the smell of spices wafting in from the kitchen; he rubbed his eyes. It was dark outside. He wondered how he got into bed; the last thing he remembered was him laying in your lap.

Oh.

The young man felt a wave of guilt wash over his body. He realized that he was wearing sweatpants, his office attire neatly hanging in the closet adjacent to him. Jean groaned and pulled the covers off his body; had he been sleeping all this time? You were working away in the kitchen, you even took off his shoes, and here he was, lazing away like a dog.

It was pathetic, he thought, making you take care of him just because he had a bad day at work. Jean stepped out of the bedroom; stretching out his limbs, he made his way over to the kitchen, the smell of food getting more robust with each step.

You turned when you heard the soft padding of his feet against the kitchen tile, “you’re awake! Did you sleep well?” You beamed at him before turning your attention back to the stovetop.

He padded over to you, wrapping his arms around your waist, “you seriously don’t have to do this; I’m alright.” His voice husky, vibrating against your back.

You shifted your body to look at him, quizzical expression painting your face, “why won’t you let me pamper you? Don’t you deserve that?”

Jean was silent.

“You don’t have to be perfect for me, Jean.” Your hand left the handle of the pan and held onto the hands around your middle. “Let me carry some of that burden. Let me.”

“It’s not fair.” Jean’s eyes between yours and the food on the stove.

“What’s not fair, baby? You take care of me when I’m sick when I can barely get out of bed. Isn’t that the vow we made to each other?” You paused, watching as Jean’s head fell into the crook of your neck. “I won’t love you any less, and I certainly will not let you act like everything is fine when it’s not. You don’t have to tell me what happened, but just allow me to look after you.”

“You tell me how much you love me every day, so let me show you how much I love you through this, okay?”

Jean wondered what stars aligned for him to find someone like you. He still felt guilty, but he knew that arguing would be futile, so he finally succumbed, “I love you.”

His mouth curled up into a slight smile; he meant it every time he said it, even when the both of you had been arguing or when you left for work, he meant it every single time.

You didn’t think it was possible, but your heart grew in fondness for Jean, “I know.” You gave his hand a gentle squeeze before returning yours to the handle.

Jean’s stomach grumbled, causing him to groan. You let out a laugh, “See, I knew you hadn’t eaten at work. Go sit; I’ll finish up this Omurice.”

He slipped his arms away from your waist before going to sit on the stool near the kitchen island, head resting on his propped-up palm, watching as you plate up the food.

His eyes twinkled with adoration, the guilt in his chest dissipating as he noticed how much care you’re putting into the meal. There was a time that Jean didn’t think he was worthy of being loved, but having you in his life pieced him back together again.

You made your way over to him, handing him a fork and setting down the plate. Your husband took it from your hands, giving you a questioning look, before taking a bite. His eyes widened, “this is really fucking good, here try some.”

You let out a breath you didn’t even know you were holding, glad that he liked the food; Jean brought the fork to your lips, which you opened, the warm rice and luscious egg filled your mouth, you shut your eyes, savouring the taste, "holy shit."

Jean laughed at your surprise, taking another bite of the food. You went over to a drawer to grab a fork before sitting next to him to eat.

When both of you finished your meal, you stood up to grab the plate to clean it. However, Jean halted you before you could pick it up, "let me."

His voice came out a gentle whisper, but it was sincere; you nodded your head, relaxing back in your seat, watching as the man went around the kitchen island to clean the utensils.

He worked swiftly in silence. After drying the plate and placing it in the cupboard, Jean looked up at you, "thank you for this."

"You don't have to thank me, my love."

He blushed at your words, "still, I'm so lucky to have you; I don't know if I tell you that enough."

You stood up and made your way over to Jean, his hands rested on your hips, and you moved your fingers to brush away the few strands of hair that fell in front of his eyes. He smiled tenderly at you before pulling you closer to him by your hips.

He pressed his lips against yours, and you reciprocated the kiss, soft lips melding against each other. His hands travelled up your sides, eventually cupping your face. You smiled against his lips before pulling away.

"I'll love you always, Jean." Your hands came up to hold his, and you turned your cheek to press a kiss into his palm.

"I know."

a/n: i hope you enjoyed this !! any feedback is appreciated !! i'm really not sure what is going on with tagging, but if anyone knows how to fix the issue of certain people not being able to get tagged that would be super helpful !!

taglist: @c0urtn3y, @depressedbisexual, @dai-tsukki-desu, @clean-soap

click here to join my taglist

As always, please leave a like/reblog if you enjoyed this, I appreciate it lots <33

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ffxv-chocoheadcanons · 3 years

Note

Hiya! I was wondering if I could get some hcs for the bros noticing their s/o being super distant lately and finally confronting them only for their s/o to completely break down sobbing, telling him that they’ve been feeling just really useless and unloved lately. Like how would each chocobro react to this/ comfort them? I hope this makes sense and is and ok request!

AN: This has been sitting for so danm long, and I mean I wanna write again soooo here we go, I hope your okay with me adding and changing a few things cause I am a utter simp for a Polybros and weak for A/B/O so ima add those into this much like other stuff now, so here we are I hope you enjoy! Also side note I wrote this all on my phone, at work so it's a little rushed and all over the place I'm sorry I will try to make them better /o0o\

Word Count: 2,844

Pairing: Chocobros x Omega Reader

Dynamics:

Noctics [Alpha], Gladio [Alpha], Ignis [Alpha], Prompto [Beta] it's a fight between Omega or Beta for Prompto.

Warnings: light omega depression, slight suggestions of nsfw

---------

With a yawn Noctis blinked a few times to get the blurriness out of his vision. He was the first one to wake up to his surprise, or well he thought so? Looking around he was in-between Prompto and Ignis, with Gladio behind Prompto. He was warm and content, yet something felt off? Missing? Sitting up a little more he noticed someone was missing. You there omega, rubbing the back of his neck he was puzzled he fell asleep last night with you curled up next to him and prompto… right? Why was there omega gone? How did she wake up and not wake anyone, mostly Gladio but then again. Looking at the Alpha he was drooling some with loud snores he honestly found comforting, that would explain it he was out cold.

Noctis was thinking, maybe he should get up and look for you, maybe you were already in the kitchen. You kept on how one day you would even beat Ignis to the kitchen and make everyone breakfast. Maybe that's what you were doing. With a yawn Noct started to get tired again from the warmth of his pack before he felt the lull to lay back down and pass out again.

It was a few hours and Noctis woke up again feeling Ignis move away from him. With a whine he opened his eyes looking out. Ignis yawned but bent back down, placing a kiss on the prince's head seeing him wake. "It's okay...go back to sleep" the Beta whispered to him, brushing some of his hair out of his face. Noct didn't need to be told twice and pass back out.

Ignis shuffled around the room as quietly as he could, slipping on slippers and a shirt. Stepping out of the room he glanced around the hall before walking to the kitchen. He was glad the king moved them into a larger apartment seeing as Noct formed a pack. He scented the air to try and catch your scent but it puzzled him how faint it was. He noticed you weren't in the bed this morning. "Y/n?" He called softly looking around the kitchen. No coffee, no warm scent, no sweet words or affection. Just a normal empty cold kitchen. Maybe you were in the living room?. Walking around he poked his head around the corner to look into it, nothing. Fixing his glasses he did notice one thing though, the pillows and blankets on the couch were missing. It clicked, you had to be in the nest room.

Going back to the kitchen he decided he shouldn't bother you if you were, he knew you liked to fix it once in a while, he needed to look at his phone soon and see the calendar, you had a heat coming up soon if he remembers correctly. It didn't take long for everyone else to wake up and shuffle out of the room with the smell of breakfast being cooked. Still one person didn't show up, Gladio stood next to Ignis at the stove leaning back on it as he slowly slipped his mug filled with coffee. Watched Noct just about drag Prompto to the livingroom to sleep on the couch some more. "Where's y/n?, I didn't see them when I woke up" he mumbled into his cup, turning his gaze back to Ignis. His eyes trailed over the male looking at the darker marks on his neck that Prompto and Noctis left behind the night before.

Ignis turned his head to glance at the others before he hummed with a puzzled look. "I think they might be in the nesting room the blankets and pillows are gone from the living room" Gladio nods. They all knew better then to knock on that door, recently you have been in there more and more, not to mention last time Noctis wanted to cuddle with you in it you nipped at him with a growl. It was the first time in a while you did that to him. Noctis was so heart broken that day he whined the whole day next to the door apologizing the whole time. "Is there heat coming up?" Gladio asked, reaching for his phone. Lighting up the screen he checked the date, soon his own run would start to rear it's head. This was the only time his Rut lined up with your heat for once, he would have to get to you soon about it to spend some time together, but also with the others not wanting to leave them out of it.

Ignis plated the food for everyone, placing them down on the table. "Prompto dear can you let y/n know breakfast is ready? They should be in the nesting room" Prompto nods, getting up leaving a whiny tired Nocotis on the couch. "Come on princess" Gladio said walking to the couch to mess with Noct. Prompto all but bounced to the room with a small knock on the door. "Y/n? Ignis finished breakfast, if you want I could talk him into letting you have it in here" he said rolling on his heels. It was quiet for a while, no response, no whine or growl, no chip or anything…. Pure silence. Tilting his head to the side he knocked again, his knock still light. "Y/n?" He questioned. Still no response. With a confused frown he took a deep break. "Please don't be mad at me for opening the door but I'm worried" , humbled , pushing the door open. Poking his head inside the nest room held a gloom to it, almost feeling ice cold. "Y/n?" He asked to step inside. The normal mess of the nest was folded neat and missing a few items. The shirts, and jackets all folded as well in a small pile. There rested a note on a plush chocobo Prompto got you he scented for the nest. Picking it up he started to read it before he let out a loud whine and sob.

The three at the table all froze, leaning to look down the hallway waiting for someone to come out. When no one did and just a small wail from Prompto, Gladio got to his feet followed by Ignis rushing down the hall. Noct was still groggy and confused. Prompto turned his head hearing Gladio push the door open quickly entering. Glancing around he noticed how the normally full, warm room was pale and empty almost. Ignis was quick to Prompto's side, placing a hand on his shoulder taking the paper. Prompto had a death grip on the Plush holding it to his chest, he may have been a Beta but at times they wondered as he did show some Omega traits. Gladio reached out for the sensitive Beta opening his arms letting him bury himself into his body taking in the Alphas scent.

Ignis skimmed the note quickly and frowned looking over at Gladio. Before reading it out loud. "I'm sorry, I only got in the way, I don't want to intrude anymore. It hurts to leave this, but just know I love you all… y/n '' Ignis was quiet as Noct stepped closer taking the note from his hand looking at it over and over. A low growl came from him deep in his chest as his vision blurred from the tears starting to form in his eyes. No… he couldn't let you go, they needed you… you needed them you were all bonded together. Noctis shoved the paper back to Ignis storming out of the room on the hunt for his phone. Gladio looked at Ignis seeing the heart break in his eyes as he ran his fingers in Prompto's hair as he balled his eyes out whining, his nose buried in the plush. "Ignis…" Gladio said softly. Ignis didn't answer before he nodded already knowing they needed to find you, for your health and there's.

You stared into the cup on the table with a sniffle. You shivered feeling the painful tug in your chest. Hearing a sigh you glanced to the side at the Alpha that placed his coffee down on the table pulling out a chair to join you. Sitting down he leaned on one of his hands, tired eyes looking you over trying to think of what to say. "You need to at least drink something, '' he said in a calm tone. You lifted your head more, your hair falling in your eyes. You e/c looked dull, with bags under your eyes. Looking at Cor you shook your head. "No…." Cor rubbed his eyes before running it down hisnfave with a huff. "So… you finally going to tell me why you snuck away? You know it's dangerous out at night, let alone you being the Omega in his highness pack"

Your dull eyes trailed from him to your hands messing with the bracelets you had on your right wrist. Each one made by the guys, your mates. You thought back to last night, it was a night filled with passion, love, sweat and whines. From the loving touches and sweet hands, from how Ignis helped bath you and Prompto with Gladio and Noctis nearby. From how you fell asleep in the cuddle pile, to slipping away and leaving. For the past several months you have felt detached from them. They kept leaving to the citadel for work, but it was their job and what they had to do, the distant feeling of when they came home, to how it felt like they barely talked anymore, or how it felt like they spent more time together without you. You felt like a burden to them, maybe they pitted you, or just wanted to keep you because of your second gender. You wanted to talk to them about it… but you got scared and decided to leave, slip away in the night. Sadly you didn't get far as Cor was checking on the guards and caught you. Seeing him you fell apart and balled into his arms.

Cor took you to his small apartment not wanting to poke and prod why you looked so upset, and why you were slipping away yet. He wanted to let you calm down before asking all the questions. He knew you had a strong bond with the boys,, and how much they loved you, how much they talked about you or how at times he would pick them up and they smelled heavy of you,, or how they seemed to be on cloud 9 when he stopped by.

Leaning back on the worn chair it creaked from the shift of his weight. "I…" you shook your head before moving a hand to your neck feeling a painful throb on the bonding scars before moving your hand to the other side. You could feel it, with the pack bond and their mate bond the heartbreak. They noticed, you gave a loud whine letting your head rest on the table giving an all chirp and a foul burning rubber scent. "You need them… and they need you" Cor said, placing a hand gently on your shoulder. He didn't want to overstep any boundaries. Hearing his phone roar to life he glanced at it before pressing the side button to quiet the ringer. "Y/n…" he said softly, leaning on the table taking his hand from your shoulder to yours to get you to look at him. He was quiet already seeing the lost look in your eyes, his distant you looked, how much pain was in your eyes and how you almost seemed to fade. The first onset of an Omega depression.

He quickly got to his feet moving to pick you up, placing you on the worn couch before grabbing his phone to call Ignis. Listening to the rings he moved around to grab a few blankets he had he placed them on you. Your body was shivering, with the whines and whimpers. Ignis answered quickly with a shaky voice. "Cor, it's y/n, there gone and we can't find them-" "ignis, breath y/n is here at my apartment, I would get here quickly though I think they have a Omega depression onset" in the background he could hear Gladio growl loudly and a whine from prompto. "I tried to get them to explain, but they seemed distant about it, this has to have been on for a few days, just hurry up and get here"

It didn't take them long to reach Cors apartment almost busting down the door getting inside, lucky cor left it unlocked. He sat in a chair next to the couch watching you to monitor it. Noctis wasted no time pushing past Gladio to get to you, look you over and call your name softly with purrs.

Cor let Prompto take his place to be near their omega and try to drag them out of it as Gladio joined in. Picking you up he placed you in his lap whispering your name. Ignis stood there almost frozen as Cor came to his side. "Ignis… how long have you guys not noticed this?" He asked. Ignis shook his head. "I...I didn't notice, I didn't even see any change in y/n… we have been at the citadel a lot more, yet Y/n was fine… or well we thought so" he sighed shaking his head he joined the others on the couch resting a hand on the couch cushion by Gladio leaning down to place a kiss to your head and scent you.

Everything hurt, or well it did hurt. The pain dulled to a small throb in your head. Feeling something pick you up you whined trying to move away, but your body felt like cement. It didn't take long before a familiar scent started to waft into your nose. Taking a deep breath warmed your heart and body. Gladio, one of your Alphas. Struggling to open your eyes you looked around before the blurry image of Gladio turned more crisp and formed. Next to him was Noctis almost curled on his shoulder to look at you whining and puffing out as much of his scent as he could. There was a head in your neck and a wetness, Prompto you could catch his scent right away, above him resting on Gladios head was Ignis looking down at you.

"Y/n…" Gladio said softly, feeling some tension leave his body. "Dont .... " he couldn't even get the rest of his words out before he crumbled holding you to his body as he buried his face into your neck crying and whining. Your omega kicked into gear hearing the stoic strong Alpha break. It scared you seeing him so broken, "Alpha?" You whispered, nudging him, reaching a heavy hand to his face running along his beard. "No… don't cry" you said softly, your body trying it's best to pump out a calming scent.

It took some time of cuddles and whines, mixed with scenting before you felt light again. "Y/n… why… why did you leave" Noctis asked, holding your face in his hands. "Not…. Not wanted anymore" you said softly with water eyes. "What… no never we always want you" Noctis said with a determined look on his face. "But…. You're always gone… all of you" Noctis huffed with a glare, but it wasn't for you or your pack mates, it was for the council, the idiots who always called them away from your side, making them stay long hours on end. "I'll rip those damn council jerseys to shreds' ' he snarled. "Dear… we love you more than anything" Ignis said, crouching down. He rested abandoned on you and one in prompto's hair as he held onto your middle face buried in your stomach refusing to move as be whined.

Noctis was fuming, he was going on and on about talking to his father to set it straight, how he wanted to rip them to shreds for making their omega so upset and going into a depression. His fangs bared and his scent souring. With a whine he turned hisbatrention to you as you reached out for him. All the tension in his body seemed to melt, moving to you to your calming scent. "Alpha…." You whined. "I will have a word with them when we go back" Ignis said, glancing at Cor who shrugged.

He turned to grab his jacket. "I'm going to be outside the door… just… don't start anything on my couch please I can drive you all back home when you're ready to go" with that he stepped out the door giving you all a moment. With a loud purr you buried yourself in your pack's scents with a small sniffle. "Im… im sorry" nothing more was said as they curled around you bringing you into a cuddle pile smothering you in affection. They would have to deal with the old Council layer, right now they needed to comfort their omega vowing to never let you get this upset again.

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thatchoiboy · 6 years

Text

いたい。

#TW #i’d like to talk about my pain and try to get rid of it because its getting too much #the pain i feel everyday is like something is gripping my chest really tight and suffocating me #its like someone is holding me captive and choking me to death #the pain i feel is like someone stabbing you in the back #like a heavy burden placed on your shoulders that weighs you down #walking mindlessly and not caring when you stub your toe somewhere #the pain i feel is worse than accidentally getting a paper cut #pain pain pain pain is what goes on my brain #when will it stop? idk either.#the pain i feel is feeling lonely at night #cryng myself to sleep has become a routine #the pain i feel is like thinking you’re unwanted and unlove #does this make anymore sense? or am i just spewing nonsense?#it pains me that ppl think i’m happy because i smile so much #they say i’m stupid because i laugh at the simplest things #they think its funny when they tell me to kill myself #they think its easy to deal with the things i deal with everyday #even at home i feel isolated #i always feel tired ; physically & mentally #sometimes i let out my pain using anger ; hurting the ones i love #it makes me laugh when ppl say kpop rots my brain : at least kpop was there when i was alone; when i needed someone to be there for me #the pain i feel is like getting ignored by someone you love the most ; and leaving you on read #who does that? ; it surely happened to me tho #i’m used to neglection and rejection ; cuz i know my imperfections #cry cry cry i do that everynight #how much tears have i shred?#importantly. how much tears have i tried not to shred?#my heart hurts so much i think its tired #i am tired as well

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21u004 · 3 years

Text

something new / kaeya alberich / may 14th, 2021

“i’m so tired.”

“you can rest here. by me.”

“no, kaeya. i’m tired,” you repeat, ‘tired’ carrying the world’s burden, heavy. though not as much as how exhausted you really are. drained.

lifeless, perhaps.

though it would be inappropriate, as you’re still full of life—rage, grief, guilt most especially—if those were considered life too, and they were; they were life still, whether it was pleasant or unpleasant, because you feel, and you experience, and you feel.

oh gosh, you feel.

why do you feel?

it’s undescribable, the way kaeya looks at you. it looks like pity, but it isn’t. it looks like concern, and although it may be a part of it all, it’s only a little detail of an entire painting of complications and beauty and emotions.

possibly guilt, no, not for you, but for him. it’s easy to see why: because you’re in pain and there’s nothing he can do about it.

even if he tells you he will heal you, he can’t and never will be able to, because there’s only you that can at least have the most control over yourself if you don’t let your emotions take over first.

so, quietly, with his palm caressing your palm, thumb tracing lines under your eye, as his other hand grazes over yours, holding them delicately, he whispers.

“let it out.”

by that, he also means “i’ll listen. i’m here even at your unloveable.”

the silence that follows after that settles full of pain and burden on your shoulders. guilt, again.

guilt for caring, he supposes—knows—and so do you, but you tell yourself it’s guilt for having to feel. the fear of turning out to be someone you never want to be crosses your mind.

it isn’t warm here; it’s cold and strange, despite having lived in this place for years with him. the couch reeking of unfamiliarity and so is everything else in the room.

kaeya, similar but not the same.

it’s cold, and you hate that you feel.

“your strength could also be your own weakness,” you recall writing down on a notebook at daybreak while pondering about life, questioning the reasons behind mishaps in life.

kaeya watches, eyes steady on your weary face. the bags under your eyes have grown bigger and darker each day. the usual light in your eyes whether the room’s dark or lit all gone—hope in them, gone.

“it’s alright to cry,” he smiles, ever so softly, reassuring. “it’s alright to feel mad. whether it’s angry mad or crazy mad.”

kaeya’s actions and words were always contagious. even though you’re anything but showering in joy, the corners of your lips mirror his.

it’s your way of giving gratitude when words were not enough, and they never are.

thank the stars for kaeya.

he leans in, not for a kiss but for your noses to brush against each other. his forehead is on yours, stars for eyes.

it’s not warm, but it’s a little less colder than earlier. you feel like a stranger is cradling you—not the kind that’s scary or creepy.

it’s rather comforting.

once again, thank the stars for kaeya.

“it doesn’t make sense,” your eyes flutter slowly, heavily with exhaustion.

“nothing makes sense in life,” he mutters. his hand travels to your waist, the other at your nape to pull you closer to his warmth.

it really doesn’t make sense at all, because you still feel cold. you blame it on the air conditioning rather than him.

still, the chill in his touch, the icy feeling of his fingertips numb you. not to nothing, but to little and to scarce.

warmth and familiarity have always been home, but maybe the cool and foreign that diminish the bitter can be home too.

#unedited #genshin impact #genshin impact hurt/comfort #genshin impact x reader #kaeya alberich x reader

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ak1ral0ve · 2 years

Text

Burden

Shigadabi hurt/comfort

୨♡୧

synopsis: basically Dabi feeling shitty but Tomura was there to help

content warnings: establish relationship, dabi feels anxious, intrusive thoughts I guess? nothing really bad though, he’s just insecure.

Shigaraki was out doing stuff for the league and Dabi felt anxious. That little voice in his head started talking.

— Shigs doesn’t really like me, does he? Why would he? — And his heart beating faster at each thought. — I’m probably disgusting in his eyes. — And he was starting to get sick. — I’m this shitty boyfriend and he won’t be with me much longer. Why can’t i make him happy like he makes me? In his head, the thought of Shigaraki leaving him was set. In moments like this he was sure that he was just so unworthy and unloveable. He was shown that since he was a child, since he could barely even write properly. If he was in fact, worthy, he wouldn’t be Dabi. He’d still be Touya. Shigaraki getting home earlier usually made his heart warm, but not today. Today his heart was restless. And so was Dabi.

— Love, i’m home. — He heard right after listening to Tomura’s keys jingling.

— Yeah, ‘kay. — Said Dabi, not really loud from the bedroom. “He’s gonna come in and see me like this and get pissed and go away—“ and this went on and on inside his head.

— Hey, you good? — He sure didn’t seem like it.

— No, not really.

— Oh, did something happened? — his heart broke seeing Dabi like this. Sitting on the bed, his elbows on his knees with his feet taping and picking skin off of his fingers.

— I fell shitty, that’s all. — Oh no, that was not all.

— You’re… You’re not shitty.

— Then why do I fucking feel like this. — He sighs. Shigaraki’s heart skips a beat because he can see that his boyfriend is tired, exhausted. Dabi sighs.

— I don’t really get it, what made you feel shitty?

— It just happened. It usually goes away before you get here. — Or, you know, he just hides it better. But if you keep burying down, it’ll come up sometime.

— That’s okay. — He frowned, thinking of what to say.

— I’m gonna try and do better. I just don’t know how right now, but I will. — It was such a shitty feeling. That was him. And there was nothing he could do about it to change. It brought him so much anxiety and anger that he couldn’t think straight. All he thought about was how much of a burden he was being at that moment.

— No, Dabi. — He says, cupping his face. Oh, he doesn’t show it but Touya simply melts when the blue haired boy does that. The pain in his chest telling that he didn’t deserved it but he didn’t actually did anything to change because… it felt so good. Perfect, even. Like it was made for Shigaraki’s hands. — It’s okay if you feel bad, you don’t have to get better. We can go through this.

— No, it’s tiering.

— I know Dabs, but you can do it.

— Tiering for you. — he made a brief pause. — Just don’t worry you got stuff to do and it’ll go away soon. — He wouldn’t look Shigaraki in the eyes. Dabi felt shame.

— Dabi, it doesn’t have to be like this. You don’t have to make it go away, I- I wanna help. — Tomura didn’t really know what to do since he had his walls up all the time. He was always so defensive, just waiting for something to slip and go wrong. — Will you let me?

— Fine. — He bites his cheek. — It’s just that you weren’t supposed to see this. — Dabi feels like a mess. He’s not really saying what he wants and nothing feels right.

And he didn’t want him to see the mess he was. Anyone but him.

— It has nothing wrong in feeling bad. And I think you’re being brave in at least trying. — Usually he’d go out and just come back when he feels better. Dabi gets scared that once he’s seen like this, that’s how he’s always gonna be seen as. Messy, weak, anxious, fucking stupid for letting his thoughts consume him like this.

— So, wanna tell me what you’re thinking?

— I guess I just start thinking about you leaving.

— Leaving?

— And not coming back.

— Umm, are you scared I get injured or-

Dabi was looking at the ground. He looks at him, and then the ground again— I’m scared you’ll get bored of… this.

— Bored? No, Dabi everyday when I come home, or when I just wake up I just… I get so happy that you’re here. Even when you’re already asleep or we just stay in the same room not even talking. Having you fells so good. — He had brief smile on his face.

— Yeah you see, it’s stupid I’m fine-

— Shut up i’m not finished. I love you. I could never get bored of you. I don’t even like thinking about not having you here because it would fucking suck. I’m glad to have you, everyday. — Oh God the embarrassment and flustering and loving and shame he felt all at once. He didn’t like feeling all those things at once, no. He was the type to bury this mess. But the blue haired boy bring out the best in him. Maybe, if he had his boyfriend by his side, it didn’t feel so bad. Maybe he could actually believe that the voice in his head had no reason in telling him bullshit.

— Yeah, it’s fine. — He mumbles. — Thanks, I love you.

— Is it? really?

— Yeah, don’t worry. — Turquoise eyes staring deeply at the red ones. Dabi admired his boyfriend so much. The words and how he touched him in the exact right places at the right time. Feeling love and being loved were vicious when it came to Shigaraki.

— That’s good, I knew you could do it. — Tomura’s chin was lifted by his hand and he was pulled in for a kiss. A simple, but caring one.

— Shut up.

— I didn’t even say-

— Shush, crusty.

— You’re too cute y’know that. — Shigaraki says in a teasing manner.

— You little shit I swear to god if you don’t shut up-

— What, you’re gonna kiss me? — He has a smirk on his face. Making fun of Dabi never got old.

— I’m gonna sign divorce papers. — Dabi says as he throws the pillow in his face.

#dabi fluff #shigaraki fluff #dabi x shigaraki #shigadabi #dabishiga #hurt/comfort

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smaidjor · 3 years

Text

and i pay for my place by the ring (Chapter 1)

Hey guys! Welcome to another angsty fic by yours truly, provider of flower husbands pain.

Some things you should know before you jump into this:

1. This is a companion fic to my fic "i know they're losing". You can understand it without having read the other one, since it's the same story from two different POVs but I think the overall experience is better with both!

2. The overall title of each fic is from the mitski song I bet on losing dogs. Chapter titles are from the Last Goodbye from the Hobbit films.

3. There is a lot of lord of the rings lore in both fics, and I mean a lot. You may be kinda confused if you've never read tolkien's works. It will all be explained eventually, though!

4. With the fact that it's a companion fic and a lot of people came here from Jimmy's POV in mind- this is a lot heavier of a fic. The content warnings are heavier and the angst is more intense. You have been warned.

(Obligatory disclaimer that this is about characters, not ccs, and do not ship real people, as always!)

Chapter Title: to these memories i will hold

Chapter Wordcount: 4000

Content warnings: suicidal thoughts, self-esteem issues, panic attacks, past death, very frank discussion of death. (In general, if suicide or death are triggering topics for you, this is probably not the fic for you. Stay safe and take care of yourself!)

AO3

Actual fic under the cut:

Scott didn’t expect to survive 3rd life. No one did, he thinks, but especially not him. Clever, clever Scott, who knew his fate too well for his own good. He could have chosen his allies carefully, he knows, could have played on their emotions to make them think he was loyal until the moment he turned on them to win. He knew who the strongest factions and warriors were, the most cunning and intelligent participants in this death game they were forced into. Instead, he chose Jimmy. Sweet, dopey Jimmy, who had the personality of a golden retriever and only a handful of braincells at any given time. Jimmy, who was worth more than all the stars in the sky to him. Who made him feel alive . No, Scott didn’t expect to win. Not when it was Jimmy by his side- when it was Jimmy by his side, winning didn’t matter. All that mattered was Jimmy’s blush when Scott pressed a kiss to his cheek, the way his hair looked like gold in the sunlight and his smile lit up Scott’s whole world.

After Jimmy died, Scott stopped wanting to survive 3rd life. What was the point? The stars can shine on without the sun, but all life on Earth would wither and die. The same happened to Scott’s broken, bitter heart, he found. Jimmy was the first person in years to love him truly, wholly, with no strings attached; it was terrifying how quickly Scott fell for the first person to look at him and not expect him to be anything but what he was. Scott’s world, which used to be mountain peaks and endless blue sky, narrowed to warm brown eyes and a grin like sunshine quicker than he could comprehend. Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, it all came back to him. What was Scott without Jimmy? The unwanted twin, the unloved child, the un-elven elf. Because who cared if he was a good shot with a bow or good at organizing teams or building pretty little houses? He would always be second-born, second-best.

It was fitting, really, that when Scott died, he died alone. Some might find it ironic that the man who knew enough people to fill the roster of a championship held by a god every month died without a single person to witness it save his enemies, but in the end, it was always going to be like this, Scott knew. He hadn’t been there to see Jimmy die, he hadn’t been able to hold him in his final moments and soothe the agony of death. Maybe this was his punishment. He wouldn’t be surprised; the gods of this world did not smile on him and never would. Why should they, when he had failed the only person who had ever found him good enough?

When he woke up in Rivendell, he was almost disappointed. Almost. He considered ditching the rest of the elves, up and leaving to somewhere that didn’t make it feel like the noose of immortality was slowly tightening around his neck. If nothing else, Noxite would let him crash at the MCC server for a bit until he found somewhere to go. And yet, in the end, Scott’s stubborn sense of duty won out. The elves needed a ruler. Xornoth had disappeared to god knows where, and though they had been braver, wiser, better in every way, Scott was the one who had stayed. Who was willing to take up the crown that weighed so heavily on its bearers. So Scott, who no one ever expected to rule, took up the burden of leadership.

Now, he tries and fails to get out of bed and wonders what the point of that even was. He’s fading, and worse than that, he’s fading over a human. His ancestors are probably rolling in their graves. Rivendell will be leaderless within a decade, and this time there are no heirs to take control. Not even a ‘spare’ like Scott used to be. What a mess.

There are footsteps on the stairs. They’re unfamiliar, meaning they could be a threat, but he’s too tired to bother sitting up. If he dies, well- it’s inevitable, really, in the same way watching the mortals he loves dies is.

The person comes around the corner, and Scott realizes with no joy that he won’t be dying today after all. Katherine looks both curious and concerned, but her voice tilts towards the latter when she asks “Scott?” and then, more hesitantly “Lord Smajor?”

He blinks at her, exhausted. “Hi, Katherine.”

“I came to talk to you about some empires stuff, but, I mean, if this is a bad time, I can come back later…?” She sounds so thrown off by his state that Scott almost feels bad.

Whatever it is, it must be important if she’s come all the way here, though, so he gestures her to a chair. “No, no, stay. I can muster the energy for a meeting, just don’t ask me to get up.”

Katherine takes the seat. “I came to talk about the corruption on the server, but- are you okay? Are you sick?”

Nothing about the question is funny in any way, but Scott laughs regardless. “In a way, yes.”

“What do you mean?”

“Take my hand.” He offers it out, knowing the unnatural cold is unsettling no matter if you’re elven or not. Katherine does as he asks, the concern on her face only growing as she grips his icy hand.

“Elves don’t get sick like mortals do,” Scott explains. “Nor do we die of old age. But we get...heartsickness, you might call it. We call it fading in our tongue- the cold hands are a symptom of that. Our souls are fragile, and the grief of the mortal plane can be overwhelming. If an elf is too struck by it, they fade away and die.” The words taste bitter on his tongue, a frank reminder of the slow and painful death that awaits him.

Katherine gasps, and Scott knows he’s alarmed her.

He goes on, though. “It usually happens to old elves, world-weary.” Ironic, it’s ironic that he’s saying that as a young elf explaining his own death. “Those who are tired of existence. But any elf who has experienced enough grief is at risk.”

Her face is nothing short of horrified. “You’re- fading? But doesn’t it usually happen to old elves? Wait, are you old?”

“I’m fifty-five.”

“Is that old?”

He has to laugh. “Fifty is the elven equivalent of eighteen for humans, the age of maturity.” Though he feels so much older than that, both in elven terms and in human.

“Oh.”

There’s a moment of silence, then, “How can you be so calm if you’re dying?”

“I’m tired, Katherine. The world tore me away from the people I loved, and..I’m tired of fighting it.” He’s so, so exhausted. So sick of having to claw and scrape and struggle for the barest scraps of happiness.

“Is there a way to reverse fading- to fix it?” Katherine sounds so hopeful that the question seems almost naive even though she’s far more capable of a ruler than he is. Naive in the affairs of elves, maybe, much as she’s intelligent in so many other ways.

Scott tries not to flinch at the innocent inquiry, thinking about the deaths from fading that he’s watched. “Technically, yes. If an elf recovers enough emotionally, it’s reversible. But whatever caused them to fade the first time can- and often does- cause it again.” And again, and again, until there’s nothing to be done but let them die , he finishes in his head.

Katherine nods, a look of determination overtaking the hope. “We’ll just have to reverse it, then.”

“That’s sweet, Katherine, but I’m dying.”

“No. You’re not going to die. Now come on, you can show me your empire while I fill you in on what’s happening on the rest of the continent.” She sounds so firm that he doesn’t dare disobey, though his exhaustion makes a fair effort at convincing him to. Will this really fix anything? Unlikely. But it’s worth it to try, if only to humor Katherine. At least this way she’ll have the comfort of having tried to save him when he inevitably fades away into nothing

Scott takes her hand, though it brings him little warmth, cold from her trek here. “Alright.” He swallows the bitter grief in his throat before it can seep into his words. “We can try.”

He leads Katherine around Rivendell, taking some pride in the way she oohs over the decor. If there’s one thing he can do right, it’s building. While some elven rulers might see it as below themselves to help build houses for their citizens, Scott finds building soothing. It’s one of the few skills he picked up during his time away that people really appreciate; no one wants to live in a shitty house.

As they walk, she also tells Scott about the demon, Xornoth. “The demon’s already visited a lot of people, I think. Gem and Shubble for sure, and Fwhip and Sausage. That’s not even mentioning the corruption that’s been spreading.”

If Scott said that the name Xornoth didn’t make him flinch, he would be lying to himself. It’s not your sibling , he tells himself. It’s just a coincidence .

It’s through the virtue of years of lying that his voice comes out steady. “There’s corruption in Rivendell too. Likely Xornoth’s work. And given that Jimmy still has Vilya-” his heart doesn’t ache when he says Jimmy’s name, it doesn’t- “well, I haven’t been able to do much.”

“Vilya?” Katherine asks.

“A ring of power. My inheritance from the Noldor.”

“Why does Jimmy have it?”

He doesn’t answer. He won’t- can’t talk about Jimmy, not without remembering how he looked with an arrow through his throat, bright smile gone and face frozen in fear. How does he explain how much Jimmy meant to him? How much he’s now giving up, knowing he’ll have to lose it one way or another?

Katherine drops the topic, seemingly sensing that she’s stumbled on something sensitive. When she has to go home, she leaves with a friendly goodbye and a promise to visit, and Scott believes neither. Who would put the effort into visiting him? He’s not a good friend, he’s not a good king, and god knows he’s not a good husband. In fact, he’s actively avoiding his husband. He may have kept the pufferfish Jimmy gave him, but that doesn’t mean anything. He can’t fall in love with Jimmy again. Loving Jimmy will kill him. (Scott ignores the small voice at the back of his head that whispers that he’s still in love with Jimmy and it’s already killing him just as he always knew it would.)

To his surprise, Katherine does come back next week, and the week after that. He’s ashamed to admit it, but there’s some part of him that’s pathetically grateful when she shows up at his doorstep. It’s a chance to not be alone . Much as he dreads the day when she finally gives up on him, it’s nice that someone cares enough to try and save him from himself.

The third week, Katherine doesn’t show up. Instead, the footsteps on the stairs are familiar in a way that makes Scott’s heart twist painfully.

He takes a deep breath. “Hello, Jimmy.”

“How’d you know it was me?” Jimmy asks. Scott can tell he’s startled by the way his voice goes up, almost frightened.

Scott steels himself, taking a deep breath before rolling over to face his ex-husband. “Do you think I could ever forget the sound of your footsteps?” He forces himself to not get distracted staring at Jimmy, instead going on before Jimmy can open his mouth. “What are you doing here?”

“Katherine asked me to visit, I’m not sure why, but...here I am. Say, why is she visiting every week?” Jimmy’s so curious. So naive, as always.

Scott laughs, bitter. “Katherine thinks she can save me.”

“Save you from what?”

Scott hears the concern in Jimmy’s words, and he can’t bring himself to break the news. It’s not as if it matters. It’s not as if Jimmy would care; he came here because of Katherine. Maybe he cared at the start of Empires, but Scott’s been nothing but rude to him since. There’s no reason for him to care. (He cares. Scott’s lying, like always. Jimmy cares and Scott knows it.)

“Save you from what?” Jimmy asks again, more insistently.

He refuses to say it. He needs Jimmy out, out of his room and out of his life before he does something he’ll regret. “You should go.” To prove his point, he tries to stand, finding himself too dizzy to quite pull it off. Jimmy rushes to catch him, and Scott hates himself just a little for how that still gives him a warm feeling.

“Scott, what is going on?”

He brushes Jimmy off, letting go of his arm and hurrying for the stairs. He can’t let Jimmy work his way into his heart again; Scott won’t be strong enough to let him go this time.

“Scott, seriously! Answer me, are you okay? What’s happening?” Jimmy sounds almost angry, but Scott can hear the distress under it and that’s what breaks him.

“I’m fading, alright?” His voice nearly breaks at the concern on Jimmy’s face when he whirls to face him. “I’m dying, now leave me alone!”

Jimmy sputters, seemingly caught off guard. “You- what- but elves don’t die, right?”

“We do. From poison, from swords-” Scott thinks back to third life- “from arrows through the throat, from grief.” The words come out more raw than he intends, leaving him scrambling to recover his composure. He takes a deep breath in and out, forcing his voice to steady again. “Come on. If you’re not going to leave, I might as well show you around.”

“You can’t just drop something like that on a man, you know!” Jimmy calls after him, although Scott can hear his footsteps following as well.

“You did ask, to be fair.” Scott replies. His voice is calm. He’s fine.

“I guess so, but- but still, dude.”

Scott pushes open the side door, holding it for Jimmy. “Here.”

Jimmy nods and slips through the door. “Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it.”

Scott starts towards the bridges, intending to show Jimmy the enchanting tower and then the door. He doesn’t care about how fast he’s walking, Jimmy can keep up. He’s taller than Scott and probably has better balance at the moment too. Scott’s struggling not to fall, honestly, but his pride won’t let him go slower.

Jimmy breaks the awkward silence with the question Scott least wants to hear. “So, uh..are we going to talk about 3rd life?”

“No,” Scott says firmly.

“Why not? We need to talk about it some time-”

“I said no .” He can’t talk about it.

“It’s literally killing you to not talk about it!”

The words strike right at the raw wound of Jimmy’s death, and Scott freezes. Inhales. Exhales. Tries to keep calm.

“Tell me I’m wrong, Scott!” Jimmy cries. He sounds so upset, Scott’s heart aches. “I dare you, tell me I’m wrong! Tell me you never cared about me, tell me you didn’t bother to bury me, tell me it didn’t hurt even a little when I died! Tell me I was just stupid little Jimmy, a toy for an elf who’d live far beyond my lifespan! Tell me whatever, just tell me the truth! ”

Scott takes a deep breath. “Fine. You want to know what happened after you died?” He can’t think straight through the rage clouding his head, the desperate need to prove that Jimmy’s wrong , that Scott loved him so much it’s killing him. “You want to hear about me screaming until my throat went raw? You want to know that I kissed your face and sobbed and begged you to wake up, over and over until I couldn’t speak at all? You want to live with the knowledge that Grian had to physically pull me away from your body? Is that what you want to hear, Jimmy? ” His voice damn near breaks on his husband’s name, and Scott thanks the gods he stopped believing in a long time ago that it doesn’t.

“No,” Jimmy says. His voice is soft, gentle, almost as if Scott is a wounded animal that needs a delicate touch. “That’s not what I want to hear, not at all. I’d rather you be happy than love me.”

The words punch the air from Scott’s lungs, raw and soft and real. Scott is an excellent liar. Jimmy isn’t. Scott knows that Jimmy is telling the truth. What he doesn’t know is how to handle that level of devotion. He wonders again how Jimmy- sweet, genuine Jimmy who wears his heart on his sleeve and is hopelessly devoted to an elf who can’t be fully his- chose Scott of all people. Scott, who’s as bitter as Jimmy is sweet, who’s sarcastic and snarky and hasn’t been good enough for just about anything in his life. He certainly wasn’t good enough to save Jimmy, Scott thinks bitterly.

He shakes off the thought. “I buried you on the hill above our houses. I planted a poppy over your grave.”

“Oh.”

“Grian came over the next day. I didn’t want to see anyone who wasn’t you, but I let him in because I had to. He helped me do the straps on my armor and asked me if he could do anything else to make things easier. I told him to bury me next to you.”

“Did he?”

Scott almost laughs at the innocent question. “How would I know? Grian was honorable enough, though, loyal to his allies. I like to think he did.”

“He was a good guy,” Jimmy agrees. “A little bit bloodthirsty, I guess, but good. I don’t suppose he survived any better than the rest of us, though maybe being bloodthirsty helped.”

“Maybe.”

“Can I- can I ask you why you hate me so much now?” Jimmy’s tone is uncertain, hesitant and it hurts . “I mean, if you mourned me in third life and all.”

Scott looks away from his earnest gaze, but he can’t stop the truth slipping out. “I don’t hate you.”

“You don’t?” Jimmy asks, seemingly bewildered. “But you burned the pufferfish-”

“I didn’t. I kept it.” Scott doesn’t want to think about this, wants to say it even less. “I never hated you. I don’t think I’m capable of it.”

“Then why do you keep avoiding me?”

“I’ve been kind of busy dying,” Scott says wryly, unable to resist a bit of morbid humor at his own expense.

“Scott! That’s not funny!”

“It was a little funny.”

“No!”

Jimmy sounds genuinely distressed, and Scott drops the wry smile. “Jimmy, I’m an elf. I won’t live far beyond you, but only because I’ll fade without you.” It’s a simple statement. The truth, as much as he can give.

“So your solution is to isolate yourself and fade now?” Jimmy’s outrage is justifiable, but Scott just shrugs.

“It does sound stupid when you put it like that, doesn’t it?” It really does. “But I lost you once, and I don’t think I could bear it again.”

A hand lands on Scott’s arm, and he turns, startled. Jimmy doesn’t give him time to react, throwing his arms around Scott and pulling him close. Scott almost lets out a very undignified squeak at the sudden contact, though he slowly relaxes into Jimmy’s hold.

He should pull away. He shouldn’t give Jimmy false hope like this. But Jimmy is so warm , and Scott is so unbearably cold. Every fiber of his being is screaming that this is what’s right; screw Rivendell and obligations and too-heavy crowns, Jimmy is home to him. He’s warm for the first time in months, and the most heartbreaking part is that it can’t last. He can’t do this again.

He pulls away, ignoring the painful hope on Jimmy’s face. “I’m sorry, Jimmy.” For the first time all conversation, his voice well and truly wobbles. “I can’t. Not again.”

“But-”

Scott shakes his head. “Losing you will destroy me. We dared to love, and now all we can do now is lessen the pain when it all comes crashing down.” The words are like glass in his throat, but he forces them out anyways. They have to be said.

Jimmy’s silent, and it hurts more than if Jimmy had yelled at him.

“Goodbye, Jimmy,” Scott manages, turning away before Jimmy can see the way his face twists in pain. He makes his retreat as quickly as possible, stumbling and nearly taking a tumble just before he reaches the door. Unlike before, there’s no helpful ex-husband there to catch him, to make sure he’s alright and ask a million questions until Scott’s forced to admit that he’s not okay and hasn’t been in a long time.

He fumbles with the latch, hands shaking and vision blurring. Finally, it clicks, and Scott stumbles inside and slams the door shut before sliding to the ground. He won’t cry. He won’t . He doesn’t love Jimmy, he can’t love Jimmy anymore. Jimmy was never meant to be his. They might have carved out a few precious moments, stolen them from the universe and giggled like kids with their hands in the cookie jar as they kissed amongst the flowers, but those brief moments were all they were ever going to be allowed. It was always going to end this way, Scott tells himself. There’s no use crying over a mortal who will be dead in the blink of an eye to an elf. What would his parents say? That this was typical of him, probably. Typical Scott, always wanting what he would never be able to have. Typical, predictable Scott, loving a mortal who shouldn’t be worth anything to him.

He’s crying. There are tears spotting his cyan robes, splashing onto the wood floors he worked so hard on. Scott rubs at his eyes furiously, but that only makes it worse, sobs shuddering through him and leaving him hollow and aching. He’s so cold . The ache in his chest has returned tenfold, stealing away his breath, and he curls further into himself, struggling for air.

He’s going to die. He is going to die , alone on the floor of his house because he fell for someone he couldn’t have. For all that he’s spent every minute since Jimmy’s death in 3rd life wishing for some way out of this cruel world, he’s terrified now that it seems inevitable. He’s scared in a way he hasn’t been in forever, breath coming quick and shallow. He's scared, and he is so, so tired of this ache that haunts him, the chill that he can never get rid of.

“Jimmy,” Scott whispers. There’s no way for the human to hear him, but the name brings him some comfort. “ Jimmy .” He wants his husband. He wants someone to hug him. He doesn’t want to fade away freezing and alone, no one there to hold his hand or reassure him that the pain will be over soon. Internally, he begs for someone, anyone who cares to come looking. To find him, even if they’re too late to save him. Someone. Anyone. Please.

No one comes, and Scott lays on his floor until his breathing steadies out again. His head spins when he forces himself to his feet, and he has to lean against the wall for a few moments. There’s no time for dramatics, he tells himself sternly. He has a kingdom to rule. He cannot afford to break over a mortal he never should have fallen for in the first place. He doesn’t love Jimmy anymore, he can’t .

(He’s lying. But Scott has always been an excellent liar, even when it’s to himself.)

#scott smajor #jimmy solidarity #empires smp #i maintag my fic because i dont fear god or scott smajor #my writing

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