#I fucking hate how my dad has essentially told me that it’s my fault I’m in so much pain
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#I fucking hate how my dad has essentially told me that it’s my fault I’m in so much pain#not that he’d ever acknowledge how much pain I’m actually in#but I just keep getting told that my general physical condition is my fault and I’m a burden for needing more support than others#and that I don’t know what I need or how to take care of myself and just generally that I’m bad for being disabled#not that anyone would ever say that I’m disabled#and I just hate it! I’m so tired of it#I’m tired of my dad treating exercise like a cure and my mom supporting me only when my dad isn’t around and never in any meaningful way#and I’m tired of feeling like an unlovable burden when I’m in so much pain that I can’t stand#because it’s really getting to my head! I almost texted my friend asking them if they were sure they wanted to be roommates with me because#I might be in pain sometimes and that might impact them#like. what the fuck!? they already know I’m disabled and they’re disabled too! and we support each other and we are more than aware of what#being roommates consists of. my parents are just getting into my head to the extent that I feel like I shouldn’t be around people because#I’m a burden and unlovable due to my pain and I would tell anybody else that that’s wrong#so why am I letting myself believe it?#also I keep saying that my parents are getting better but I don’t think they’ve changed. They can communicate a bit better but#their feelings are the same and that’s the problem. they don’t understand and they don’t care until they’ve had time to think about it#about it and normally I’d be fine with that but when you’re stuck on the floor crying in pain you just want someone to care#you don’t want to wait until your health comes up weeks later in a conversation#you just want compassion and someone to be there with you and tell you it’ll be okay#they have never done that
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If I bounce my foot, it makes this chair sound like someone is doing unspeakable things. Also, it has been a hot minute, but I have a chapter written now, and that's what matters. Hopefully the next chapter will be out sooner than later.
Chapter 16
You are going to kill him.
“That is absolute fucking horseshit!” You pace back and forth in front of the restaurant. “His ass was the one who invited me!”
You can practically hear his eyes rolling on the other end of the line. “How is it my problem if he flaked?”
“You’re guilty by association!” You cross your arms. “It’s a favor to you! How is it not at least partially your fault?”
“Because he said he’d be there.”
You hang up on him. You have been standing here for half an hour, and only now do you hear that he can’t be there because of something about a movie. While, under different circumstances, you would be relatively understanding, standing outside in a dress in November is making you a bit less amiable.
You sit down on the step, letting your hair down and leaning forward on your knees. ‘What a waste of a perfectly good twilight.’
You pull out your phone. It’s your father’s birthday back home, ironically enough. You smile bitterly. He and your mother told you when you were younger you wouldn’t be allowed to date until you were eighteen— something about them being worried about you getting in a bad situation— and here you were, flouting their rules, sitting alone on the steps of a restaurant with just enough money for food. ‘Does this count as disrespectful?’
Nobody online has said anything about it. No messages hoping he rests in peace, nothing from extended family.
You set the phone down at your side, quietly watching people walk by. You had your cast taken off today. The people at the hospital gave you some sort of weird juice, and now you can walk around with only the occasional ringing in your ears and half-decent handwriting. ‘Not that my handwriting was that great before,’ you muse. ‘Maybe I’ll finally be able to sit in a car without wanting to jump out.’
“Something got you down?”
There is a thing you have noticed about people’s voices thus far that, until now, you have not thought about in detail; people do not sound exactly like their voice actors back in your world. For example, Donatello does not sound like Rob Paulsen, but the way he shapes his words, the tone of his voice, and the general pitch is relatively similar. He sounds like a teenage boy who happens to talk like his character, and it is by this you have been able to identify voices.
Oddly enough, she sounds nothing like Kelly Hi.
Your blood goes cold. “Yeah,” you sigh, desperately keeping your voice steady. “My date bailed on me.”
Karai sits down next to you on the steps, looking out with you. “That sucks.” She chuckled. “Why’s that?”
“No clue.” ‘Why is she trying this?’ You rest your head on your knees, hands clenching and thoughts going a mile a minute. ‘I’m not made by the Kraang, and the guys shouldn’t have messed with her anyways, so she shouldn’t have my— but I did kill— but she doesn’t care about that, and neither does Shredder.’
“Well,” she sighed, “that’s teenagers for you.” She points back at the restaurant. “Can I get you something? My treat.”
You swallow thickly. “Sure.” Your hands are shaking despite your best efforts. You hope you do not look as completely terrified as you feel. “But I can pay for my own food.”
“Are you alright there?”
‘Sadist.’ You nod.
“Are you sure?” She chuckles. “You’ve gone pale.”
You scramble for a plausible excuse. “I’ve been fasting.” That is not a good example of an excuse. “I need to start getting more iron in my diet.”
“I’m sure some food inside will have iron in it.” The smile on her face— she is not a good liar herself— tells you all you need to know, all venom and quiet pleasure. You seem to shrink next to her.
It is not a request. It is a veiled demand.
You get to your feet. You will not make it far if you run. “Have you been here before?” You force yourself up the steps, opening the door for her.
“No,” she admits, nodding thanks, “but it’s supposed to have good reviews.”
“So you were here for the food?”
A shrug. “You could say that.”
The two of you settled in a booth not terribly far from the door, on your insistence. If you are putting yourself in this situation— ‘At least Casey knows where I am. Why did he have to suggest someplace where I know nobody?’— you may as well not make it easy for her. She orders a milkshake— you can not hear her very well over the roaring in your ears, but that is what she gets— and you drink water exclusively from the straw because your hands are currently incapable of holding anything. ‘What was even the point of all those dexterity-based exercises,’ you cannot help but internally whine, ‘if as soon as I need to be coordinated, I get all flinchy and shaky?’
“I didn’t catch your name.”
Your head rises too quickly. “Huh?”
Another smile. You hate her. “Your name,” she repeats herself. “You haven’t given me your name.”
“Y/N.” As soon as you say it, you know you messed up. “Y/N Collins.”
“Collins?” She leaned against her hand, quietly staring you down. “What is that?”
“Huh?”
“I mean, what country is that from?”
‘Great question.’ You strain to smile back. “No clue. My parents haven’t ever brought it up.”
“Really?”
Your face burns at how easy the clinking of her fingernails against the glass puts you on edge. “Is that unusual?”
“I wouldn’t know.” She took a sip from her drink. “I don’t have many friends, you understand, and I’m from overseas to boot. I don’t know much about what’s normal.”
“Yeah?” You follow her example. “What’re you here for?”
A shrug. “My father’s here on business. Cutlery.”
“For restaurants or?”
“Sure.”
‘If I call Casey, he— but then I’d have to be in his van.’ You clear your throat. ‘Bathroom. Maybe the bathroom has a window.’ “Do you mind if I step out for a sec?” You stand up. “I have to use the restroom.”
“Not at all.” She looks up at you through her eyelashes. “Want me to come with?”
You shake your head, trying not to trip over yourself as you make it to the back of the restaurant, purse over your shoulder. ‘Maybe she won’t think anything of it.’ You lock the door behind you, exhaling as you look around the small room. As is typical of your luck these days— though, you suppose, fighting back tears, it’s not so much these days if it’s been going on for months; you miss your mother— there is none. Graffiti, sharpie illustrations, no toilet paper, and no window. No plan for if the date went badly in the first place— you kick yourself for having forgotten that essential step— and no ride home. You have money for the ticket home— he said he would pay— and a phone and a charger and it is at times like these where you wish you valued your life more. The only chance you now have, as far as you’re concerned, is to either run or fake a phone call at the table.
You just got out of a cast.
You take a deep breath, walking back onto the floor, thanking her for her patience. She nods, waves it off as no trouble, and starts talking again as she drains her drink. You listen, you try to keep the conversation going the best you can, drink right alongside her.
You do not remember when you start having fun, when you start laughing along with her at something or other, but you are now.
“So,” she sighed, lacing her fingers together under her chin. “Who was the lucky guy?”
You blink. “Huh?”
“The guys you were here to meet.”
“Kid from Bio,” you answer. “Can’t remember his name.”
She nods. “Do you have many guy friends?”
“A couple, I guess.”
“What’re they like?”
“Busy.” You smile slightly. “Most of them are, anyway. The guy that set me up is free most of the time.”
“What about the others?”
“They’re into martial arts.” You glance down at your glass, and for a moment, you swear it looks slightly blue. “Their dad’s into it.”
“What’re their names?”
You blink, picking the glass up and placing it on top of your hand. “Reese and Donnie and Legoshi and the other one.” ‘Why is my drink blue?’
“The other one?”
You nod, eyes drooping slightly as you struggle to rationalize the color change. “Can’t remember his name.”
“Michelangelo, maybe?”
“Maybe.” You take another sip, trying to taste what it is. “That name sounds familiar, but I can’t remember from what.” Something with salt.
“You said your name was Y/N?”
You nod again. ‘Water isn’t blue, right?’
“Then, Y/N,” she smiles again, eyes slowly drilling holes into your skull, “do you know who I am?”
“Legoshi’s sis, right?” You look up at her. “You’re Karai Hamato.”
Your eyes are too blurry to tell exactly what is happening with her face. “What?”
“Your name.” You take another sip. “Karai Hamato. Or Missy. It’s one of the two.”
“I’m not a Hamato.”
“Yeah, you are.” You giggle before the words slip out of your mouth. “You’re fucking— well, not fucking— you let stepbrother, right? Half brother?” You are forgetting something important. “Are you two blood-related?”
“We aren’t.”
“You sound angry.”
A blink. “I do not.”
“Do too.” ‘I don’t like her for some reason.’ “You’re getting all red in the face.”
“Because you’re accusing me of something I’m not.”
“Fuckin…” you grin. “If you’re into that shit, I’m not gonna fuckin judge you or nothin, but at least fuckin… uh… own up to it.” Your eyes drag across the table lazily.
“I’m no Hamato.”
“You are too.”
They land on a plastic bag.
‘Oh. That’s why.’
“Who told you I was?”
“Your stepdad.” You get to your feet, holding your bag. “Or dad, I guess? I dunno, whichever one didn’t kill your mom.”
There’s something else in her voice as she gets up, following you out. “How do you know that?”
“I just said how.” The cold air outside hits you like a brick. ‘Run.’
“So you know where—“ You shove your weight back on her, slamming her body and in turn her into the brick wall and run.
She grabs your something. You fall, head slamming painfully against the ground. You kick her, she grabs your hair. In what you might later describe as a drunken effort, you reach your hands up towards her face. You feel something squishy, a cry, and she’s facing you now, dragging you into somewhere considerably darker than outside at night. You feel something in the back of your head, she covers your mouth as you cry out, and you do the only thing you can think of.
You taste something again. Something is in your mouth. She stumbles back. You trip up to your feet, and you fall in the direction of the nearest subway tunnel.
The things happening around that time are swirling around in your head, now, face held in your hands as you quietly curl up on the subway. You do not remember entering a train car, or buying a ticket, or even what happened to the object in your mouth, but the crying you remember. You remember someone touching your shoulder with a soft voice, looking up with your mouth covered in sticky, dried stuff and fingers covered in red and clear goo, and that being enough to have them get off at the next stop.
You do not know how long you are on the train. When you finally feel yourself again, your phone is almost dead. Hours must have passed. You do not remember leaving, but you remember the ringing in your ears again as you dial someone, sitting on the sidewalk in what used to be the only dress you owned. You are reasonably sure you are going to burn it.
—
“Is this okay?”
“What?”
“This.” Mikey gestures around himself. “What we’re doing.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“They’re people, right?” He looks over at his brother, currently skimming the same magazine again. “The Kraang, I mean.”
It takes a second for him to process the question, but Donnie does not have to look up from his sewing to know his brother’s reaction.
“It’s just a question.”
“A fuckin— do you hear yourself?”
“I’m just—“
“Leo,” he turns to his older brother, “is killing the threat to all of humanity wrong?”
“But we just blew up a giant ship of them though.” He crisscrosses his legs. “Aren't we killing a ton of people, then?”
“Mikey,” Leo sighs, not looking up from the TV, “there are more people in New York than there are Kraang that we could ever kill.”
“Eight million.” He sincerely hopes the gloves are not too large. “For number's sake, it’s eight million.”
Leo shoots his brother a thumbs up, glancing over at his brother’s project curiously. “Thanks, Donnie.”
“Even if we were actively going on a killing spree and mowing them down that way, there is no way in hell any of us could kill two million Kraang per person even if we wanted to. That’s not even talking about the number of people who would be fucked once they were done with New York.” Raphael punctuates this with a pointed and aggressive flip to the next page. “End of story.”
“But—“
“And even if they stopped at New York,” he continues, cutting him off, “that would still be eight million people dead because of us getting cold feet.”
Mikey opens his mouth again, sighs, and closes it. “Fine, okay.” He leans back against the concrete, eyes going back to his phone. “Anyways, why do you keep getting water on your thing?”
“Hm? Oh, you mean the gloves.” His taller brother looks up. “It’s easier to get the needle through it when it’s warm and wet. Plus, it makes the— stop laughing!”
“Then you thought it too.”
Heat rushes to his face. “You’re so immature.”
“But you thought it too. That's hypothetical.”
“You mean hypocritical.”
“I said what I said.”
Michelangelo’s phone rings.
He puts a finger, bringing it to his face. “Hel— hey, slow down.” His brow furrowed, the other three leaning towards him. “No, wait, what— who’s she?”
There’s a pause.
“She did— wait, hold on.” He tosses the phone to Donatello. “It’s for you.”
He catches it. “Hello?”
“Could you pick me up?”
He blinks. “What, with the Shellraiser?”
Your voice is paper. “Yup.”
“You hate the Shellraiser.”
“She wants to go in the Shellraiser?”
Donatello waves his younger brother off, letting you talk. “I hate Karai more, currently. Please pick me up.”
Leo pipes up. “What happened?”
He ignores him. “Where are you?”
There is a pause as she checks, his brothers watching for his reactions. “One-oh-three Saint Corona Plaza.”
“Got it.”
“What happened?” Raphael, this time.
“Need me to stay on the line?” With a pointed glare at his siblings, he climbs into the ‘raiser.
“Please.”
He calls behind him at his brothers. “I’ll be back before two.” The phone is brought back up to his face as they moan about a lack of info. The machine is spurred into motion. “What are you doing in Queens so late?”
“No idea.” He can hear your strained smile. “Ask Karai.”
His heart stops. “What happened with Karai?”
You repeat your statement.
“She didn’t—“
You cut him off. “I’m not back in the hospital, no.”
He resists the urge to sigh in relief. “Did she follow you?”
“I’ve yet to be hit over the head, so I’ll hasten to say no.” There is something off about your voice, a certain quality about it that he cannot quite pin down. “I’ve been essentially useless the whole time, what with her drugging me and all.”
“She what?”
“I think she did, anyway.” It is incredibly disturbing to him how calm you sound. “Unless water’s blue and kinda tastes salty now. I don’t imagine it would be though,” you ponder, chilling years off of his life, “even if you guys messed up the mission. It would be green, since that’s the color of the acid, right?”
He mumbles something out about indicators, head reeling as he tries to not hit a street lamp.
“That’s what I thought.” You sigh. “Say, have you got any hydrogen peroxide at your place? No, wait, scratch that, I’m burning the dress anyways.”
“Dress?”
“Yeah.” You huff. “Last time I’m letting Jones set me up on a date. Last time I’m going on a date period until all this gets worked out, actually.”
‘It is not okay to feel happy that she had a bad date.’ Still, he tries to steer the conversation away from the horrifying for a minute. “What happened?”
“I got stood up.”
“Why?”
“I forget. Where are you?”
He glances up at the street sign. “Still pretty far.”
A pause.
“You know,” you swallow, “I should really stop doing this. It’s not exactly great of me to have to ask for your help all the time.”
“None of us mind.”
“That’s not the point.” He hears a car on your end whizz by. “I should be able to go a week without making you go out of your way for me. You guys manage.”
“We’ve also been training in ninjutsu since we could walk.”
Tired, he decided. You sound tired. “Other normal people manage.”
“You’re not a normal person, though.”
“Sure I am.” Your words sound slow to him. “I keep interesting company is all.”
“That’s a word for it.”
“What, don’t count yourself as interesting?”
He turns a corner. “Not the first word I’d use, no.”
Another long silence. Occasionally, he notes, you will him something into the phone, say a quiet, unintelligible word of phrase he cannot quite make out, presumably in an effort to continue looking like you are on the phone to passers by. The streets, like most nights nowadays, are mostly empty, save for the occasional cop car or kid, making the commute a relatively uneventful one. It gives him time to think, anyways, and after a while of quiet contemplation and forced slow breaths so he did not look quite as panicked as he felt once he picked you up, a question quietly surfaces.
He would have come in a heartbeat. He was not exactly sure what he would have done, but he would have come running, regardless of if he could help. Why would you not call? Why would you try and deal with that sort of situation alone? Did you not trust he would come?
His fingers tighten around the wheel. What had you been thinking going out alone, anyway? After all that was happening, you thought it was a good idea to go on a date without a plan for if it went south?
Another sharp turn. If nothing else, he thinks, he can not say you are no longer naive or lacking in innocence. Maybe you are just incredibly prideful. Regardless, it will get you in more trouble than you had to be in.
What would he do if you got yourself irreparably damaged?
—
You are not having a good time.
You have managed to convince yourself that this is not, in fact, anything like the car. For starters, it is less aerodynamic; it is a metal box on wheels, designed for subway travel and is, therefore, not designed for optimum wind resistance, meaning it cannot go as fast with the same amount of energy. The inside of the vehicle is also distinctly dissimilar to a car, its origins blatantly obvious, and was entirely lacking in windows. While this is enough to convince you currently that climbing into the machine is not as serious a death sentence, the fact of the matter is that, yes, it is a metal monster on four wheels that drives on roads. If you keep your eyes shut, maybe you will not vomit as soon as you stumble out of the door.
Your stomach hurts. A lot of your body hurts, actually. You do not remember the “fight” with much clarity, but you do understand your head hurrying. You have yet to get a good look at yourself, but if you had to guess by the stains on your fingers that you can now identify as blood, the bad taste in your mouth that you are fairly sure is vomit and the flaky stuff on your face that also looks suspiciously blood-like, you would hasten to guess the answer is “not great”. You certainly do not feel great, if that is indicative of anything.
He has not said a word so far.
You do not force conversation, now. You would prefer not to talk about the ordeal, anyways.
There are monitors that he is staring at in order to steer. Why he would not just get an actual steering wheel or the old hull of a car from a junkyard is beyond you, though you guess a hippie van would not offer the same armored protection as a subway car.
“We got molested by a sea monster today.”
You look over at him, eyes half lidded. You want to sleep. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.” His eyes are focused on the screens. “Apparently it liked my submarine.”
“That’s… a thing.” You rub your hands on your thighs absentmindedly. “How did that work out?”
“Fine. It wasn’t all that strong.”
Your lips curl up into a weak smile. “That’s good, then. The mission went alright?”
He nods. “Without a hitch, funny enough.”
“That’s cool.”
The conversation dies as quickly as it starts.
The drive from that point on is an uncomfortably quiet one. You pick blood from under your nails, thumbs occasionally tracing the scars on your fingers— you are still not used to the difference in texture— as the hum or an engine rumbles underneath you. You are reminded of a memory from when you were younger, driving down the hallway, basking in the warmth of your own body heat with your arms tucked to your chest from under your top layer. The machine you were in now was colder, staler, but the hum of the engine, the time, all reminded you quietly of simpler times.
You swallow thickly. ‘I’m such a coward.’ You shut your eyes gently, stomach churning. ‘I’m going to get the people I care about hurt, aren’t I?’
Donnie says something.
The Shellraiser is stopped. You look up at him. “Huh?”
When he was younger, he and his brothers did not know the limits of their own strength. When they were first learning to fight, when they were first sent to spar against one another when their sensei was asleep, they would often go a step or three too far. He was never one to get involved— his brothers were stronger, more enthusiastic fighters— but he remembered distinctly what they would look like the morning after a fight, cheeks and eyes various shades of purples and blues and blacks. They would ask him, on occasion, after particularly brutal brawls, for him to paint over whichever brother’s face— usually Raphael or Leo— to hide them from their father. He got used to the sight, got better at understanding their anatomy, which chemicals mixed together would do which things.
He is getting sufficiently tired of seeing you hurt the worst he has ever seen.
You look so small in the seat, face black and blue, hands shaking. Your skin is paler than when you two first met, less healthy, a thin coat of sweat coating your skin and hair stuck to the back of your neck. Your dress— he has never seen you in one— is stained with rust, hidden poorly from under your jacket. He can tell already which bruises will take a while to disperse, where she had busted your nose and slammed your head against something hard. You need a shower and water and a blood test to make sure you do not die from whatever Karai gave you.
He clears his throat again. “I don’t want to be rude.”
“You’re doing me a favor. You have a right.”
He does not look you in the eyes. “It’s just… can I ask a question?”
You sigh. Even your voice sounds tired. “Shoot.”
His fingers trace the rim of the steering wheel. He takes a slow breath. “Why didn’t you call?”
“When she cornered me, you mean?”
A nod.
He glances over at you, staring down at your hands, turning them over. “You were on a mission. I didn’t want to mess it up.”
“I would’ve come, you know.”
“I know.” You smile ruefully. “That’s why I didn’t.”
His fingers grip the wheel again, trying to not openly overreact. “Y/N,” he says carefully, “if a mission fails because we need to come save you from Karai, then we fail the mission.”
“How many people in New York would die if you guys did fail?”
“That’s not the point.”
“It is.” You look up at him. “You get yourself in a lot of trouble because of me. You have to make sure I don’t kill myself all the time. Think logically, Donnie.”
He snorts, heart pounding in suppressed, almost overwhelming frustration. “Are you going to say something about thinking logically?”
“Fair point. But you get mine, right?”
“I don’t, actually.” He leans back in his chair, fingers gripping tighter still. “The only reason we’re messing with the Kraang at all, the only reason we started all this, is because I saw you and wanted to help you.” He counts on his fingers. “The only people I really, honestly care about this much are my family and you, and I know that, if I had never met you,” and he looks you dead in the eyes now, “I would just make a filtration system for my family and that would be the end of it.”
Your eyes are still gorgeous. Behind the bruises and the blood, you really are stunning.
“Sure,” he concedes, “maybe Leo would’ve gotten involved because he’s that selfless. I would’ve gone along with it, since he’s my brother and all, but if that were the case…” He takes a slow breath to calm down. He never thought it would come out right now at all times. “If that were the case, I would’ve never tried red velvet cupcakes. Mikey wouldn’t have a friend outside of the family. I never would’ve learned about crime movies, or had talks about science with anyone but myself, or any of the thousand other things you’ve given us.” He does not know exactly when he grabs your hands, but he is now, and you are so warm and alive right now. “I care about you. We care about you. You have to know that. For fuck’s sake,” he laughs, “I’ve told you outright, before!”
You open your mouth to say something. No words come out, for once.
He squeezes your hands. He cannot tell if your heart feels like his does, the straining against his chest, the aching feeling. He was never good at reading people or emotions or any of that.
But it’s time now. He can barely think. If he does not now, he might not ever.
“I love you, Y/N.”
Table of Contents
Chapter 15
Chapter 17
#teenage mutant ninja turtles 2012#tmnt 2012#tmnt fanfiction#tmnt x reader#tmnt donnie#raph tmnt#tmnt mikey#tmnt donatello#tmnt#tmnt 2k12#donnie x reader#2012 donnie#donnie#donatello x reader#donatello hamato#donatello#x reader#y/n#teenage mutant ninja turtles#x reader fanfiction#tmnt karai#Karai is the fucking worst#I love her#but it’s true
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What’s your take on Wanda Maximoff?
There’s been a lot of things said and posted now that WandaVision is out, and honestly I don’t understand how everyone seems to like Wanda. I mean, if they do, I’m not trying to call anyone out. I’m trying to see if someone’s explanation about her can help her make sense to me.
Cause to me, she’s still the person who tormented The Team and never once apologized for it. I don’t forgive easily, tbh, nor do I forget, so maybe I’m just holding onto something that needs to be let go, but the way she messed with them was wrong and everyone seems to not care and have just brushed it off.
Honestly, if you wanted an explanation for liking Wanda Maximoff, you came to the wrong person lol because I do NOT, for exactly the same reasons. YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
And GOD it makes me so mad. She does so much shit - she fucks with the team’s mind to torment them (and by doing so triggers the creation of Ultron as he turned out to be [not as he was meant to be]), she unleashes the Hulk on Johannesburg, killing who knows how many innocent civilians, she works with Ultron - but NOTHING she does is ever fully held against her.
Her becoming a hero is nothing more than her turning on Ultron for no other reason than that he plans on destroying the whole world. Which, frankly, is a pretty weak reason to suddenly change sides when she’s been a villain this whole time. In BOTH AoU and CW she makes the smallest attempt to take responsibility for her actions, and BOTH TIMES, she’s told by Clint or Steve that it’s not her fault, that she can’t beat herself up over her mistakes. This is pretty shitty advice when those ‘mistakes’ she made cost who knows how many lives. But it succeeds, and essentially, Wanda never has to own up for anything she does.
Exactly like you said, nobody cares. And neither does she, except for the full three minutes she did before she was told everything was okay. And I can forgive a LOT, but I cannot forgive anyone who has zero remorse for doing any of this shit, especially when I’m supposed to believe she’s a hero. (And even as a villain, I couldn’t forgive her.)
I can’t even talk about WandaVision because the point of the show (which I’m mostly hate-watching because my dad and sister are watching it) is that I’m supposed to care about her and Vision when I, remembering her slamming him through several floors of concrete and seeing those gifsets where Vision tells Wanda “You can’t control me the way you do them” and she says, TO HIS FACE, “Oh... can’t I?”, do not support this relationship in any way and absolutely never will.
TLDR: I hate MCU Wanda Maximoff because she does terrible things, doesn’t take responsibility for it, isn’t expected to take responsibility for it by others (see Steve’s “She’s a kid” despite her being in her 20s), and I’m supposed to see her as a hero or even just a sympathetic character.
#for all of the above reasons the wanda I write with kris is not and never will be canon wanda#anti wanda maximoff#wanda maximoff critical#ask#like whatever goes on with the show it's still super messed up and i hate it#mmorgan317
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15.15: The Absent Mother
I’ve had to take a great deal of time to pull my thoughts together on this episode because it was so MUCH. I’ve said in the past that I wasn’t a fan of Davy; he often layered his things very thinly. But today was a masterfully interwoven piece to the point I literally watched another show for an hour while thinking about it, went and took a shower for half an hour to scrub my head clean, and came back to this and STILL sat to write about it.
So if you’re new to my meta, I’m going to break the ice. You need to read my The Generational Family post to dip your toes in. It speaks in plain english things that will be less-plain english in this post.
If you’re less-new to my meta, but often floating in the occult references, I’m going to try to drop links to posts or tag folders of references.
But what a fantastic salute to the Empress this entire episode is.
Now let’s dive in.
It’s no secret my blog bangs on about arcana on the regular. I have spoken of the four colors (represented in the above gif but also frequenting the #hues of involution tag).
Frankly, I consider it invariable that the brother focused episode will summon forth The Emperor as a key focus. Somewhere in that chaos binder of tags I even predicted that much when I saw the color themes of the episode, but that’s a whole other aside--just something to put a pin in the idea of while I speak of the Empress, and the Generational Family.
(15.16 update: hahahahah)
I’ve gone feral
BACK TO ORIGINAL 15.15 POST
Some time back I had made a post about Castiel’s tie to this path; be that his frequent association with Mary over time (be it storyline parallels in general arc, John and Mary’s meeting, mixtapes or whatever else); that he and Rowena served as mirror and foil from her earliest conception, back when his parental storylines hovered more in regret over Claire; that Amara and her forced bond were associations of the profound bond and many lines directly mirrored while other motions challenged each other (Eg, heart tie, profound bond>mark bond);
I even made a joke at one point that Castiel should wear a pink trenchcoat to match Rowena’s dress.
This, of course, I joked equally was absurd, and that we would probably have to settle for the violet-pink light of Death on both him and Dean in 15.13′s alchemical Marriage of the Minds.
This Marriage of the Minds you’ll find plenty of topic on for my blog, and all in association with the Art arcana, from which the Occultum is drawn to begin with in its concept. This may seem like a long drift aside from the episode itself, but is more a preface of discussion based reminders.
Either way, @meta-mania-spn outright trolled in to my trenchcoat joke with this when it was released, saying “here’s your pink trenchcoat.”
And how on point you were!
But I’m going to have to ask fandom to do me a favor before we continue any further in this discussion.
I’m going to need you to stop trying to shove everything in singular boxes applicable to one and only-one storyline. Go back to the Generational Family post. Make sure that’s anchored like, in your subconscious at this point. Know it, feel it.
Okay, now we can continue.
Hah hah “You’re standing in The Trap zone.” Okay.
So obviously, we have two major story ends going on right now: On the one hand, Sam and Dean go have a discussion to Amara where they plan to lie to her to pull off a stunt against Chuck; on the other hand, we have Castiel and Jack working a case. This seems simple enough in our structure.
Amara’s face of this ends up being entirely reflection. Of her cosmogenic origins (”We are the same.”), We Are Twins (I point to Thoth’s use of the twins in generational storytelling), etc. Of her history with Dean. Of her reasons of bringing Mary back.
Fandom may not like her reasons for bringing Mary back. They may even hate them. And we’ll get back to this later, but this is the sum of this.
On the other hand, Cas and Jack think a demon is involved. They even summon one. Turns out Rowena, in taking over hell, has adopted a new system. No more tricking and damning souls. People end up where they belong. The demon is bored (which has a funny shout out at the end on him trying to find a new purpose--as a cop, which is about six levels of commentary but I digress), but the continued path of Rowena renovating hell from welcome meetings for damned souls to lack of intentionally dragging others down is made clear, while evoked.
I point back to Rowena’s own history: at one point she aspired for power, but after Funeralia, she was stricken with guilt and grief over feeling like she abandoned her son. This is a thread that I have tried to put in videos over time as a still-binding tie; Castiel staring into Belphegor’s husked out eyes at one point, even if it wasn’t really his fault, just as we lost Rowena who went to essentially reclaim her son’s legacy and throne since she couldn’t atone for his loss.
But then we get to the case. It’s a whole long adventure, much of which has some bog-standard casework; we do have Castiel coming to speak that he found new meaning in becoming a parent (rolling back to the parental thread), and there’s a bunch of great imagery we’ll cover below. But before we get to that, let’s focus on the resolution.
It reveals a broken family structure: Mother was sick and felt shoved away, Father Changed Things, and the child ended up on a destructive path about following god.
Now when I talk about not boxing things in on one level, I’m going to break down this family a bit. We’ll also just totes ignore the Joseph-the-Carpenter tattoo on the pastor that clearly has NOTHING to do with Joseph behind Dean only an episode ago and the entire Emperor theme with the sun behind his head. After the whole Mary behind Cas thing. Nope, nothing to see here. Has NOTHING to do with the generational stuff I’m about to talk below. That’d be silly right?
You also have to think of it this way. If Pastor Joe (yes that’s his FKING name) a parallel, so is his dead wife. There are levels where it was felt she was mocked, and pushed away, which tied into Amara this episode. You have your Chuck and Amara level parallel. However, on the emotional level, the mother figure that Castiel actually ends up representing is also coming due to be absent. And this is about the father's atonement with that just as much as it is with Dean having his dialogue with Amara.
On many levels. Dean and Amara’s dialogue trades of old grudges, old motivations, but also current events and learning to live in the now.
The child, however, was still stuck in the past--a past the mother who told her to believe in God seemed to want, but the same kind of duty Castiel became aware of needing to change in the past. But she got stuck in it.
While she judged people by their sins, Jack and Castiel end up finding the poor unfortunate man judged by Lust, after an entire aside Castiel had with the pastor about one of the victims struggling as a gay man and what-not; For Reasons(TM). But this is an arcana post, not a “point out the obvious fucking screaming queer text and subtext being put in blinker lights this episode” post, so I’m going to generally show that the misguided and wrathful child thought she was carrying out God’s will.
And then I direct you to my Lust tag.
I have far longer stuff on it, but if you skim, you’ll find the loudest message is about not letting a wrathful god judge or punish you for sins. It involves the Whore of Babylon as a symbol of power riding a beast that represented (Aleister) Crowley; or in this case, Rowena riding Crowley to power, but also birthing and rearranging a new world. I point back to the demon in question, and then I gesture to the stuff about Castiel’s impending storyline overlap.
Did other sins get punished, sure; the one girl got greed, for example. If you check my posts on the Lust topic, there are other forms of debauch actually associated with lust beyond just carnal lovers, but the message about ignoring god’s wrath and making the new world remains in-tact.
This is the kind of wrath enacted by the girl. Who is furious about how the aeon changed. Because you changed everything, dad. They don’t worship God, they worship You.
So here’s the fun question: Is this a child of man furious that man is no longer the true god because Chuck in the corrupted Emperor path has changed the world to his whims, just flipped? That is to say, that they no longer see the Shadow as The One True God? Or is this someone throwing a tantrum on Chuck’s behest that the world of man is being reclaimed? Or is it a generalized moral of all of these things contingent on the choices The Ones -- Sam and Dean -- make moving forward? And what of Jack inevitably feeling like he has to do Dean’s commands, with the task laid out to destroy God as mapped by Death, in the inevitable absence of Castiel?
Now this has drifted a wide-berth from speaking of the Empress herself, which I’ll roll back to. I had mentioned, for example, the pink. So let’s talk about why that is.
The Empress is the Matron. While she goes through many forms, this is sort of the central or individualized one. She represents a fertility in preparing to birth the new world. She holds a blossom, she takes a pose I’m not gonna bother breaking down in this post, and she is crowned in a sphere that is passed to her from the Emperor which she will wear until the next aeon from their union is born.
She is represented by the moon, and though her child will eventually become the new sun it must first be the earth, her emperor is her current sun; the son is the reflection of the father in the eyes of the mother; the Empress Moon lets the Emperor Sun shine on her face and brings life to the earth in their union, and again, I point back to the Marriage of the Minds post.
Now, see that bird in the corner? That’s a pelican. It’s frequently associated in old alchemy as the mother giving her life, as part of the birthing process is also death, for her next generation. I have spoken in the past that Byzantium itself is an ideal example of that. The pelican has intensive alchemical implications, but it was believed she “fed her child from her own heart.”
Okay cool so there’s just a bleeding heart right there while Jack struggles with feeling like he has to deal with this alone, while Castiel tries to insist he doesn’t, with the renegade child taking it upon herself to carry out god’s work and essentially going mad/bad. Castiel not wanting to let that all fall on Jack.
There’s also giant posters about THE WORLD and a mirror shadow Safe Place poster which I’m not even going to talk on much beyond gesturing vaguely at my Shadow tag and Universe tag and move on, but I will take particular note of the hands reaching out to Cas and the world as a vague gesture to once again stick a pin in.
I mean there’s a few other themes I’m going to point out for general notes: hearts everywhere,
Some stuff on Day and Night and hands all over/handholding, which I’ll point to my talk on Absence for false dichotomies
And an admittedly offtopical “lmao fuck this news screen”
But with that, I move forward:
The child here was dressed almost EERILY like Mrs Butters, for the record. And uh-- /wore her cross upside down/
They both kind of represent the same thing of misguided ideals, though Mrs Butters proved able to be reasoned with at the end and went to go return to nature where she belonged, just as man should return to his place some day free of god’s machinations; but she didn’t break her cycle and her fate is to be decided after this by court and what-not, which.. you know, fine.
But that’s a note worth passing re: Mrs Butters, but again, it needs to fall to generational; child vs parent, with Mrs Butters being the lightly lamia-associated elder who lost her sons and went mad trying to protect them according to how she had been commanded, just like this story, too, comes to misguided commands in absence.
Add in of course that Butters pointed out Jack was “too much like his father”. This, of course, was a shot at Lucifer in a way, but the serpent she evoked isn’t truly symbolic of Lucifer in our show, it’s about humanity. And uh, who is synonymous synced to in SPN? Even ignoring the relevance of the serpent to the Emperor?
Throughout this episode, Jack waltzes around imprinted on habits from Dean, taking on the weight of the world, sacrifice, doing it alone, and inevitably, small bursts of anger.
While... Amara tracks and polka dances sideways across the Mary issue of idealizations vs realities, of the Now being more important than the Then. Fandom gets stuck on how unfair it was to Dean and considers it torture which, human perspective, fair. But Amara isn’t thinking on your human level. In fact she very loudly flags around how Dean (and frankly, the audience) doesn’t properly perceive the scope of what she even is.
Castiel, driving home, continues to try to be an improved parent. He talks with Jack, and tries to tell him he doesn’t have to do this alone. But Jack is stuck in that rut, and it’s a rut Castiel knows too well. He’s walked these paths and the audience has walked these paths and he can’t let the child handle this alone, though Jack declares it isn’t his choice. Jack has surrendered to what he believes Death commands of him, what the job is.
It’s going to be about choice.
But right now, Jack is too much like his father. And I point back to the Moon, who lets the Sun shine on her face, perceiving the world as a reflection of the Father, of Soul in the eyes of the Mind. This is the path to teach their son to avoid just as much.
Meanwhile, Castiel is punched in the FACE basically by Jack saying not to tell Sam and Dean he’s turning into Soul Bomb Take 2. He doesn’t want to worry them over something he can’t do anything about. Congratulations, Castiel is now living the mirror of Jack knowing the Empty deal and Sam and Dean not being told, and you can SEE the reality of it ALL slam him in the face. Not just because Jack blowing up would negate the point of his sacrifice; I don’t know if that even really plinks his mental armor; but the actual magnitude of that kind of secret.
Burying my clown brain’s fierce desire to talk at length of small details like Cas opting not to wake Dean up in the room, we see a recursion-yet-subversion at the end.
We cut off, here, abruptly. In context of the episode, we know Castiel has at least learned one lesson and is going to try to tell Dean about his deal. But on some level, this all enmeshes thoroughly to Castiel’s Empty deal. Do I think Cas is going to tell the Empty deal in 16? No, I’m gonna guess on some level Sam gets his hands on it around 17 maybe, or nobody at all finds out--or at least Dean himself doesn’t find out--until 18.
In that time they *still* will not have stopped Chuck, that won’t be until 19. So I really wish this arm flailing about “oh god they’re making it all about Cas saving Jack and then dropping it!” would stop because man guys, I’m tired, I’ve been writing you the roadmap on this for two years and haven’t failed yet, pls listen.
Even after episode 18, Castiel’s role is inevitably going to be to take the burden from Jack. ...And Dean will too, but you won’t really even start to wrap your heads around the how and the why until at *least* 16 covers the Emperor path better in scale of the generational family. That’s going to be a joint thing.
Yes, I’m saying that’s going to be a joint thing after the Empty.
The show has taken a highlighter repeatedly to the fact that Jack was neither ready to rule or remove Chuck and that it was all a bad idea. Like “Then who?!” yes HMMM WHO.
Who is sitting here following the path of all of these individuals in this very episode? Do I need to gesture people to literal years of Castiel being associated with every one of these women’s central stories in my meta, make everyone read literal compendiums of it to get the where and why, or is it at least enough in the collective subconscious to be recognized?
What is Rowena doing? What is Rowena doing, right now? She unbirthed an entire realm and is restructuring it; where people go only where they deserve to go, where they aren’t as boxed in but certainly aren’t out there being shitheads for the sake of being shitheads. But man, if only there was SOME ONE ELSE lined up on this whole lunar path, somewhere, with these women.
(For more on the blossom, see my Albedo tag)
For the full context and, frankly, mental breakdowns about 15.13 and what all that amounted to, I point you to the tags I linked above in discussion and lead-in to this post, because I’m not going to re-tread that ground right now.
But Castiel’s deal has always been about saving Jack. Castiel has been the Empress all year and before it. He will continue to be the empress, symbolized as feeding her young from her own heart, and--well, like that above gif (and also like 15.09, but with Sam in that generational rotation), receiving the sphere from the Emperor (Dean) and passing it to the new aeon to be reborn. Jack is the new Aeon. the mother will protect this at any cost.
But I don’t know why fandom pole vaults into assuming then that the Emperor suddenly has no place in this fascinatingly interwoven play. They are part of this cooperative birthing process together. Even in and beyond Death. As it is, there’s parts of Jack’s resignation that will inevitably tie to Castiel with Dean in 18.
As always, the case is a warning tale, but just what side of it you take really depends on where the characters choose to step. Is it a warning of man stepping away from god or god changing the rules on man?
Even Amara’s message is multifaceted: Knowing when to walk away on your own path is not the same as betraying someone. And it’s only going to be by Dean’s manipulation that she would consider it, while he is in fact lying to her; but that’s NOT going to come without a long term price. And frankly, is itself a message for the endgame of this show, with some people thinking taking ones’ own path is tantamount to betrayal. It is not. But what matters it the truth. And the choice. And remembering that we all have a choice.
And what of Cas, after the Empty then?
My soul went to heaven, big surprise.
In order to be in the Occultum, the Occultum must be in you.
To know what he, himself, is also worth, Castiel will have to make that place within himself. And that will also be the place for his child, and his family, and humankind as he has come to adopt as his people.
...But there was a two step phase to that spell and I remind you Rowena wasn’t alone in that image.
The pink of fertile rebirth.
For more on the Empress, click here.
Anyway
#CASTIELSUTERUS2020
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So I rewatched Raya.
And I was really trying to watch it without a skeptical lens. I wanted to be able to act like the oblivious kids in that theater and just enjoy the movie. But I just couldn't. I've mentioned it before it's a gorgeous movie but there are so many things wrong with it that just bug me. And I’ve mentioned before the changes that could be made to fix it and the main one being just completely scrapping the movie and starting from scratch with a tv show. And because I’m on spring break and I have nothing to do (also I’m a perfectionist and I tend to hyper-fixate on things that I know have easy solutions) I broke down how I would make it better in two different categories. The first one being kind of baseline stuff like animation and character designs and other stuff I had small problems with and the second being plot.
Section One:
Okay so I know we all hate Sisu’s design. As someone who grew up with Naga carvings and paintings all around my house seeing this Elsa fursona was like a slap to the face. Like I know I really shouldn’t expect more from Disney but I did. I mentioned in this post that I would have loved to see a longer series even if it meant the animation quality went down. And I feel like Neeith_ on TikTok did a great job of drawing what Sisu could have looked like which only disappointed me more. Caldatelier on Twitter also pointed out the many flaws with Raya’s outfit design which fully proved to me that Disney did little to no research and chose style points over historical accuracy. I also felt like the designs of the main characters were very unremarkable and before you’re like “that the whole point it’s supposed to be normal people saving the world” I don't mean that I mean it feels like they took previous designs and just made them Asian. Like my sister and I were talking about it and she said the baby just reminded her of the boss baby and Tong reminded her of one of the twins from rapunzel with a little more depth. This is also kind of a small thing but it kind of bugged me that they were all the same skin tone if not lighter. SEA is incredibly diverse and if they weren’t going to represent all of the cultures in full then they could at least shown their features. I feel like the food should have been more important. I know I mentioned it in my last post but food is an incredibly important part of our culture. It’s not a placeholder or a set-piece to make a scene look more aesthetically pleasing. It’s a way for us to bond and show each other we care it’s a way we show genuine love and appreciation. And when you have a main character who is emotionally stunted it felt like food was a perfect way for her to show her love and they blew it. Like can you imagine Raya and her dad getting into huge fights and then bringing each other food as an apology sitting in front of that window not needing to say a word because they simply get each other? Can you imagine Raya visiting Namaari and stocking up on foods that she knows Namaari loves but also hasn’t been able to eat for a while? We could have had genuinely heartwarming scenes centered around food but instead, we got set pieces and props. And one more thing that stuck with me was the voice acting this movie should have been a change for SEA voice actors to really put their names out there and be a part of a really big Disney project but as always out voiced were overshadowed by someone lighter.
Section Two:
(I’m going to warn you this is gonna be really long because I’m essentially rewriting the entire plot because as I said before I’m a perfectionist)
I feel like the first ep should be dedicated to the backstory and the lore
How were the Druuns made how where they defeated
I feel like it would have been interesting to see them fighting over the gem
But I think it would have been really interesting to see from the get-go how Sisu wasn’t the one who made the gem
So instead of having this big reveal alongside Raya, we would know that her hope of finding this all powerful Naga is hopeless because the story was a lie
Another thing I think another person who should have had more screentime was Raya’s dad
I think it would have been interesting to know his backstory and get some questions answered like “why does he have so much faith in the other rulers to help him on his journey to make Kumandra a thing?” “When did he become the protector of the gem?” “And how many attempts of stealing the gem has he thwarted”
Also as much as I love him I feel like his personality incredibly unrealistic because all SEA men I’ve met have been really emotionally stunted
Idk it’s just a small thing that made me go “eh he talks to his daughter. What kind of magic world is this?”
I would have liked to see Raya’s various attempts at becoming a protector of the gem
I think it would have been a really good way to show how resilient she is from a very young age
And when she finally succeeds the audience could have celebrated with her like a small “yes she finally got it and all her hard work finally paid off” moment
I feel like we should have gotten more Raya and Namaari moments right from the start
Like how they meet is basically the same but Raya doesn’t trust her with the gem’s location an hour after meeting her
It's a trust that both of them fought for in their own way
Like you get to see them bond over their mutual understanding of “well the worlds fucked”
So when Namaari finally stabs Raya in the back when she betrays her for the first time it hurts when she says the throwaway line about them being friends in another world in burns Raya
Because she thought they were friends and she genuinely trusted Namaari
Which would have really justified her distrust in the world
And again I feel like we should have seen that 6 year period of Raya trying to find Sisu
We would get to experience the frustration of building up the hope of finally finding her just to have it knocked down when she’s not there
It could also do two more things
Raya making genuine connections with people
And Raya and Namaari’s strange alliance forming
Now for the first one, I feel like it would have been really cool for Raya to be introduced to the different lands
And yeah sure I feel like it would make her feel like kind of a tourist but I feel like it would be really interesting to see her go through culture shock
Because she really thought she knew these places but boom they’re completely different from what she was told
And while she’s making her way around she learns about the different lands and the people inhabiting them and also their culture
We could have seen Raya make genuine connections outside of the main cast
And if you’re feeling a little masochistic we could see her lose those people because of the druune or simply because they died
But the main point is we would be able to see her become less and less selfish
Now back to Raya and Namaari’s alliance/romance later on
I mentioned in my other post that when Raya trusted Namaari to put the gem back together it felt very flat very fake
So I feel like it would be cool for the series to be split into two parts the first part being from Raya’s perspective and the second part being Namaari’s
I also feel like Namaari would have to be a constant in Raya’s journey
And what I mean by that is like she’s there every other episode either trying to stop Raya or she’s trying to save her from life or death situations
And later on down the line, we find out the main reason why she kept helping Raya (in her own way) was that she didn’t want to see her get seriously hurt
But anyway that’s mostly backstory and now we’re in the present tense
And like I said before we know that Sisu wasn’t the one who made the gem so we know that Raya’s quest is pointless
But because we’ve seen her various attempts at becoming the protector of the gem and the six years of looking for Sisu we know she’s too stubborn to give up just yet
So she and Sisu head out to find the other gem pieces
Now with context, her and Namaari’s standoff has more tension because for the first time in years Namaari doesn’t know the motives behind Raya’s actions
I don’t really have many ideas for Sisu other than she starts to trust people less and less
Like she’s still really innocent for the most part but there’s a small part of her a really small part that’s kind of lost faith in humanity
And after this, we meet Boun
I feel like we should have known more about Boun considering the fact he’s the first side characters we met
But it’s very clear they gave no thought to his character I’m sure they just wrote down “funny kid who lost his family”
This is such a shame because he could have been so much more than just “Raya’s funny younger brother”
Like he could have been this selfless kid who hands out food to the orphans around and offering his ship to homeless people during the night
Next with the baby and the monkeys, there’s really not much you can do with them unless you seriously age them up
Like at the very least have Noi be a grade-schooler who can express more emotions than mad and hungry
Like she can still be the baby of the group while taking care of herself and expressing her emotions a great example of this is Polly from amphibia (which is a great show with a SEA main character you should check it out)
With Tong, I have two words: Survivors Guilt which is something Raya would be able to relate to in fact they all would
I feel like Tong’s entire character arc would be him realizing that he can’t save everyone
Which yeah sure would seem pretty contradictory with the ending being them literally saving everybody but I have a fix for that too
And finally, we get to Namaari who is selfless to a fault
Giving me very much typical Disney princess she gives up food to kids who seem particularly hungry
She’s usually the one who tells the stories to the kids but her mom was taking over that day
She helps her people in any way she can and honestly, she’s wearing herself a little thin
Because while she’s doing all that she’s also saving Raya & co from their own mistakes
Giving me very much burning the candle at both ends
So you see all these characters bonding over the course of at least a year
Making and losing more allies along the way
And because Namaari has been helping them they trust her… for the most part
But there have been times when she trips them up and makes their end goal all the more difficult
And because they haven’t known her as long as Raya has each character has at least one moment when they look up at the sky and scream in frustration “What is this binturi’s deal!”
But anyway they finally get to fang and Raya is more open to the idea of just talking to Namaari because she trusts her not because Sisu told her to but because she’s seen Namaari do good
And Namaari is even more reluctant to take the gem pieces by force because she has a decent relationship with Raya like yeah sure they’re not best friends but they’re in a good place
And shocker shocker she’s maybe just maybe head over heels in love with the princess of heart
But her mother gives her an ultimatum and that is “either you take it from her or I will”
Because here’s the thing, Queen Virana isn't a moron the exact opposite in fact and she knows her daughter has been going easy on Raya these past six years
She also knows that she could squash Raya under her shoe if she damn well pleased and Namaari knows this too
So when Namaari gets her necklace back she doesn’t even hesitate to take her crossbow when she leaves
The meet up goes basically the same except its more Raya talking Namaari down than Sisu
And while they’re having their little heart to heart Sisu notices Namaari’s finger twitch and she goes to jump in front of Raya
And Namaari was shaken by the sudden movement and fires and kills Sisu
I feel like this would make Raya furious for two reasons one she killed her best friend and two she deep down trusted Namaari to do the right thing
So when the fight goes down instead of the whole “I don't care if you trust me because Sisu did” it would be “I trusted you and you murdered her”
And when the dust settles Raya realizes that this battle doesn’t matter because fighting Namaari isn’t going to bring Sisu and she’s also sick and tired of hurting the people she loves
And she decides to help people instead not because Sisu would want her to but because its the right thing to do
Which is cliche sure but its better than the scene they gave us which really wasn’t faithful to her character arc of not caring for people who aren't close to her
And I feel like Namaari joining her makes more sense with my context if anything else
And here’s how I would fix this scene even with them fighting the Druune off to the best of their abilities there are still falling buildings and the gem can’t really save people from that
So they lose some people not because of the Druune but because death happens even when the heroes are fighting their hardest
And because I feel like this would just affirm Tong’s character arc because there are people dying under these buildings he knows it’ll take too long to save them and its not time they have
So he leaves them behind prioritizing the people he knows he can save
Anyway, after a long battle scene, they finally end up underground
And it goes basically the same except it doesn’t take Raya as long to convince them
And instead of Raya’s reasoning of “Sisu told us to” it's more “all this fighting isn't going to bring Sisu back” and “I know she’s done something terrible and you can be mad at her after this but for now trust her”
So when they all make their sacrifices it’s less “I’m doing this for Raya” and more “I’m doing this because deep down I know you’ll do the right thing”
And Namaari does do the right thing obviously
Sisu comes back and it's all “yay we saved the world!” but it doesn’t really end there
Because I hate the “lifetime” ending of “even though we all went through incredibly traumatic events we’re all fine months later” no they’re running around for months and years fixing their mess
And while this is happening Raya and Namaari is mending their relationship they’ve apologized for all the terrible things they’ve done to each other
And when they’re fixing their world they’re helping each other become the best versions of themselves
That’s when they really fall in love
Like don't get me wrong they loved each other when all the bad shit was going down but there was too much bad blood them to really process it and talk it out
But that’s exactly what they do when it’s all over they talk it out for hours
In fact, they both said its the most they’ve heard the other speak
They both agree they’re in the best place to start a relationship and so they do
#disney raya#raya#namaari#rayaari#raya and the last dragon#did I just basically write the rough draft for a tv show in the span of 4 hours#yes yes I did
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Of Queens and Trash
Here’s the thing. SCK has been on a downward trend since 13. The breakup was long, getting together again was tiring, the amnesia plot was poorly handled and the mess that came following his recovery was, well, a mess. The necessary break for covid gave us a chance for a fresh start for Edser. All the bad stuff in the past, and a focus in the last episodes of them being able to finally fulfill all the promises they had not been able to. After all, this was a story that, at its core, was about two people who met and fell in love and who, no matter what, chose to be together. Invisible handcuffs. And with the return of the OG writer, it seemed we might finally get that. After 39 episodes of angst and only 7(?) of real togetherness, surely it was time? Forget the pain of the past, and start with Edser navigating their world together.
And then the trailer dropped. And all of a sudden, all the people who had spent months eviscerating Serkan for behaving badly in the 30s were celebrating this new plot, the “great angst” and Eda “being a Queen.”
For me, I can’t get over the hiding of the child. It's a hardline deal breaker. I don’t think it matters who writes it, I think it's an awful plotline. No matter how "good" the trailer looks or moments seem, I will remember that I was watching a show about two people who loved each other and never wanted to be apart, about a man who learned how to open his heart, and this ruined it all.
Now, I think it's worth noting that my hard line, in this particular case, is in response to Edser, if that makes sense. I’m not hardline, “if this is in a story I’m not watching”. If it works for the characters and story because that is the type of story being told, then fine.
I don't subscribe to the woke feminism brand of "all women are Queens and all men are Trash" which seems to be a trend of late (and not just in fandom). I think people are people and people are generally imperfect but also trying. I don’t think women, simply by virtue of carrying a child, get full say in what happens to the child, regardless of the father’s wishes. I'm not fond of a “hiding a kid storyline”, and while I get the whole "my body my choice" style of arguing, it took two people to make the baby. Two people get a say in what happens. I get you are growing the kid, but you didn't spontaneously conceive.
For me, Edser being apart and/or hiding a kid is a hardline. It doesn't fit with the characters as I know them and it doesn't fit with the storyline. And look--I hated the amnesia plot. I thought there were a literal million ways this could have been done better, but it's what we got. So for everyone suddenly defending this new plot, despite it making about as much sense as Eda getting married to make Serkan remember her, then that means everything goes. No blaming writers or ignoring canon...everything has context and meaning now. And since “it's realistic” is also a common refrain, then fine. Let’s go realistic.
Imagine being in a plane crash. You wake up, you have clear physical/mental blocks. For someone who likes to be in control, that's terrifying. You have a ring on your finger with a woman's name you don't know, and an entire year missing. You call the one person you know will come (since your parents and friends are useless) and she comes and tells you a story that jives. You can't remember shit and you keep getting flashes and your hands won't work, so you take what she tells you, because why would you have any reason to doubt? It’s not like you can remember anyway, and trying to remember hurts.
You finally go back home, and you recognize nothing about your own life. Friends, family...everything is different. Your mom is out, your dad is gone, your best friends are married. You don't even live in the same house, you have people working in your company you don’t know--even your dog is gone. And then you have a hysterical woman throwing pictures in your face of a man you don't recognize and your brain is still foggy and all your friends and family seem to be shrugging their shoulders at you.
You're terrified and alone and all you get is some vagueness about an epic love story and too much emotion and all you want to do is hide. From everything. Plus your heart is doing this thing every time the girl is near and you think you might be dying maybe and remember how your brother died?
So, the girl kisses you, you literally feel like you might be dying, and it's like naw. Fuck this. I'm getting back an ounce of control. So you propose to Selin. I mean you don’t love her and you barely want her but at least she is the same. At least she hasn’t changed, and at least she doesn’t stare at you with the weight of a million expectations that everyone else does. At least she doesn’t look at you and hope to see a man you can’t ever remember being.
But then the girl everyone claims is your soulmate is suddenly engaged to another man, and spends every moment after that claiming she hates you, she is over you, she is better off/happier without you, doesn't need you.
So it's like, okay, what is the truth. Your brain isn't helping, your friends aren't helping, she isn't helping. So you lash out, you close off, because really, what else is left. Your life isn’t your life, your mind isn’t your mind, you can’t even figure out what’s real and what isn’t. And she’s getting married and you want to die but she’s getting married and surely if she loved you she wouldn’t be doing this?
And then you get your memories back. Finally. Everything comes flooding back ,and it's a lot. You cope in shitty ways, you don't respond well, etc. You’ve returned from the dead twice, and everything feels just slightly off, but maybe you can make this work. At least you have her. After a few days, you’re feeling like your old self. You've got your memories, your girl, the possibility of the future you had snatched twice, and then BOOM. She rejects you, out of nowhere.
Won't talk, won't communicate, you have no idea what the fuck is happening. She’s crying and sad but also not leaving but also not staying and your brain can’t quite work things out but all you can do is promise that you love her, only her, always her, forever. Surely she must know that by now, right?
And then she tells you about the baby. You can't remember the sex of course, but then you find out it probably happened while your brain was fucked, and you barely have time to process this before oh yeah the love of your life is leaving you bc she would rather you raise a baby with your rapist. And suddenly you might be dying, again.
But you stop her. You stop her and even though she says she didn’t come back for you, why else would she have stayed? So, you finally get her back, she tattoos you on her finger and maybe just maybe everything will be fine when BOOM. Cancer. You aren't even over the other shit, and you have a fucking tumor. You are 30 years old, you've survived a plane crash, amnesia, and now you have a tumor. How many times can a person die?
And so you don’t cope well. You withdraw, you back away. Your brother died when he was young, you know what that does to a person. You know what it did to your family. You have this fear that curls around your heart that says “but what if she becomes my mother.” And she goes. She leaves and she takes your heart and your child (that you don’t even know about) and it’s like...fuck. Again. Because everyone leaves you, eventually. And somehow, it’s always your fault.
So, what I'm saying is, Eda endured a lot, sure. She was hurt. Their breakup in 14 was hard and I’m not denying that (although there is another post I could write about how since Eda never actually uses her words to tell him how she feels he can, perhaps, be understood in assuming that breaking up after barely being together would hurt but also that she would move on and live her life happily without him. Which I guess season 2 proves…) Losing Serkan to an accident/amnesia was hard, looking at the body of the man she loves but not seeing the man she loves must have been agony. But Serkan was fucking wrecked. So instead of choosing to write a plot where they both get to heal, where they both get to explore their pain and work through it together, we get Serkan who reverted to being a robot to cope with massive trauma and PTSD, and essentially is abandoned by everyone, again.
I guess what I'm saying is, if staying with him and supporting him when he was dealing with trauma was too much for her, then fine.That is very true for some people, and it’s certainly realistic. But I don't really think that jives with Eda and her character, and while it isn't a trauma competition, I'd still think Serkan comes out a winner here. Eda lost her parents, which was awful. She lost him, but she got him back. Twice. His trauma is losing his brother, being abandoned by his parents, a plane crash, amnesia, emotional manipulation/abuse and cancer. And then he gets punished by having his daughter taken away from him because he was having a hard time coping. Keeping a kid a secret isn't "protecting the child" it's punishing the father.
Tl;dr The direction they have taken the characters is gross for both mains, but if people are trying to justify Eda keeping his child from him because “he deserves it” or “she did what was best for her” then I think we maybe haven’t been watching the same show. Even if he said “I don’t want kids,” saying that to a hypothetical child is very different then being told “a baby is very much our reality.” Because that's the crux right? It's not that he decided he just didn't want to be a father ever, he's scared of having a family and losing them or of them losing him. And then she made that very fear be realized. Which is tragic and quite the opposite of what his life partner needed to do in that situation.
Bitte.
Thanks to @lolo-deli for the proofread and the final lines, you are the best. And for putting up with my uncontrollable ranting about this for days.
#sen çal kapımı#sck#serkan bolat#eda yıldız#SCK is officially over for me#so I’m making funerary arrangements to say goodbye to yet another fandom.#this is my eulogy#also this is a serkan bolat protection blog#jesus i sound like a 14 year old fangirl#whatever#its been a minute since i have been one of those#let me relive the days in peace
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And then...
Dad!Tony x Son!Reader
(mentions of Uncle Rhodey)
Anon: // hello can you do angsty tony x Son reader. Tony and reader has strained relationship and they we're not in good terms, Tony prefer Peter than his son but it got change when both of them got kidnapped, they been together for a few days and slowly they reconciled. Soon they got save by the avengers but the Son Reader notice that one kidnapper pulled a weapon to Tony then R save his father, he got shot then Tony is scared to see his son dying. Its up to you the ending. ☺
A/N: Thank you for the Tony request 🤗🤗 Hope this is ok! (I love dad!Tony, I think he’d be so good...even though this fic is on a different note🤔😂)
Warnings: Cliff hanger end. It was getting pretty long and I wanted to upload something before bed (which also means it hasn’t been checked but oh well, I’ll re-read it tomorrow) BUT I do plan on doing a part 2 :)
(Also swearing, just always assume swearing)
Words: 3100+
Tony’s relationship with his son had always been strained. Ever since he was practically dumped on his doorstep at 4 years old.
Tony had no prior knowledge that he has a kid, none of the women he’s been with had ever even told him they were pregnant. But if he was being honest with himself, it didn’t surprise him. With the way he got around it was bound to happen eventually.
He just wished he’d known from the beginning.
Having a 4 year old left in his care with no warning put him in a whole new territory he was completely unprepared for.
A baby gives you time to prepare and are essentially a ‘blank slate’ at birth. A 4 year old has experiences, like and dislikes, routines, a connection to someone who abandons them with a stranger…
At the time, Tony was still a playboy, out at events and travelling a lot. As well as CEO of a company manufacturing weapons for the military. He didn’t have time for a child. To break through recently arisen trust and abandonment issues and build a relationship.
He cared about his son. Always made sure he had everything he needed or wanted, a good education and was in good health. But forming personal, emotional connections can’t be done with money, and Tony could barley cope with his own true emotions.
It quickly became clear that they did not share talents or interest in maths, sciences or mechanics. His son struggled especially with maths and Tony initially really did try to help, finally thinking something was in his element and he could bond.
But elementary (followed by middle and high) maths was so simple and automatic for Tony’s brain that he found it difficult to slow down and explain the process to the young boy.
He hired a tutor in his place.
That’s not to say Tony expected or needed his son to be a genius in the same subjects as him. He didn’t need his son to follow him (or his father) to be worthy of his time. But it would have made it easier.
Instead, his son excelled in English and arts, and was amazing in the kitchen. He loved to write stories, create pictures to accompany them and experimenting with new recipes.
Unfortunately, Tony did not excel in these areas, thus distancing them further.
At least he wasn’t taking after his father though. He didn’t force his son into one path or degrade him. No forcing him to grow up, giving him alcohol at a ridiculously young age or sending him away to be completely alone.
Tony often wondered himself if he’d have taken the path he did if his father hadn’t pushed him. If he’d be the same person without the verbal abuse and constant neglect of his father.
He wasn’t blind to his emotional distance and lack of bond to his son. Or to the connection the boy had to both Rhodey and Pepper. He could see that his son was connect to the two people he trusted the most and he was glad.
When Rhodey was available, being in the air force meant he wasn’t always around, he made sure to take the boy out, go to school events and even read his stories, giving feedback and support.
Pepper made herself available if he ever needed to talk and was always willing to taste test.
Even Happy was around to take him where he needed to go, training in the gym and joke with.
So even if the young boy didn’t have a relationship with his father, he had adults around to support and love him and help him through life.
It didn’t stop him wishing he did have a relationship to his father though.
While MIA in Afghanistan, Tony realised he wanted to try harder to build a relationship to his nearly teenaged son.
It didn’t happen.
He returned home and completely changed his company, which required a lot of time. His guilt also led in him to putting on that damn suit and trying to save the world.
And then he nearly died from palladium poisoning.
And then New York was attacked by aliens and the avengers were formed.
And then Tony had PTSD; anxiety, panic attacks and nightmares.
And then ‘terrorists’ blew up their house and nearly killed Happy and Pepper.
And then murderous robots.
And then the avengers broke up.
And then Tony worked with the UN to amend the accords and set up more help and cleaning crews. Back to lots of travelling.
And then…
And then… Peter.
It never eased up and his son turned 18.
His son made excuses over the years. He genuinely was busy and obviously struggled with relationships. Maybe he’s just not paternal? You can’t blame someone for trying to save lives either.
Of course he was aware it isn’t all on Tony, he could have tried harder to bond with his father as well.
But then Peter came along.
Scientifically and mathematically gifted Peter.
Superhero Peter.
Enthusiastic, smart and funny 15 year old Peter.
And then Tony had the time.
He made the time.
For Peter.
To talk to him. Help with his homework and superheroing.
Teaching him. Training him.
They spent a lot of time in the workshop and lab.
Tony was always so interested in what Peter had to say. Whether is was about science or mechanics, school, spider-man or even teenage romance.
It came so easily and naturally to Tony.
He had the time.
Even the team had noticed this relationship and dubbed them ‘Iron-Dad and Spider-Son’.
That hurt.
The time he overheard Clint comment, ‘why couldn’t we have had dad-Tony this whole time?’ really stung.
Tony’s been a dad, to a son, the entire time he’s known the avengers.
He didn’t hate Peter though. It’s not his fault and he’s actually perfectly nice. But to see his father so easily bond with another kid in a short time made him realise that he’d never get that father-son relationship.
Tony is paternal. Just not for him.
--
His eyes fluttered open, the ground cold against his face.
Wait, ground? What-
A groan passed his lips as he sat up, pressing a hand to the side of his head where pain radiated.
He blinked the fuzziness from his eyes, trying to remember how he got there, but the last thing he could recall was leaving the Stark Industries event after supporting Pepper.
The room was dull and very basic. With stone walls and floor, no windows, one dim light and two metal framed beds so rusty they would probably break under his weight.
As he glanced back down to the ground, he noticed another body in the room. They were still slumped on the ground and back to him.
Scrambling across the floor, he pushed on the mans shoulder to lay in on his back and see his face.
Dad?
Quickly he checked for a pulse and when he was satisfied with the regular thumping, he moved away, letting out a sigh of relief.
With his back to the wall, arms resting on his bent knees, he waited.
It was only a short while later when Tony began to wake. Groaning and sitting up in the same manner his son had moments earlier.
“Oh God, what the hell-where am I?” He mumbled, clearly unaware he wasn’t alone.
“I was hoping you’d know the answer”
Tony’s head snapped over at the grumbled voice to see his son.
“Y/N. What- what are you doing here?”
“hell if I know. Can’t imagine why anyone would take me. I generally don’t piss people off and I’m neither an Avenger or a tech genius.”
“Maybe they mistook you for me” Tony joke, completely oblivious to his sons disinterested and cold tone.
He shuffled back to lean against the opposite wall as his son scoffed.
“Sorry kid, you got the Stark looks.”
“Yeah, that’s all I got” the young man mumbled, leaning his head back on the wall, closing his eyes.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing.”
Silence fell between them until the door opened.
The two men rose to their feet as two armed guards entered the room, a third following with a tray of unappealing food and bottled water.
Neither Stark was acknowledged as the tray was placed on one of the beds and they turned to leave. They even ignored Tony’s incessant questioning and cocky attitude.
His son stayed silent, taking on of the bottles as he sat back on the floor, still not ready to trust the beds.
“Could they just answer a simple question? They got to have a fucking reason for this.”
“Whatever it is I wish they’d just hurry up with it.”
“What, are you bored? Got places to be?” Tony asked, before taking his seat back on the floor.
“Yes, actually. I have an interview Monday and I’m not ready.”
“An interview? What for?”
“Like you actually care.”
“Hey, that’s not-“ Tony began to object but his son looked over at him and cut him off.
“Unless it’s about Peter or Superhero shit, you don’t want to know. You haven’t magically become interested, you just don’t like the silence and unfortunately I’m the only one here. You never cared about what was actually happening in my life before, why start now?”
Tony stared at his son in shock. It’s hard to make The Tony Stark speechless, but right now he had no words at all.
As his son dropped his head back to the wall, looking away from him, Tony couldn’t take his eyes off his son.
Thoughts ran through his head as he examined his son, becoming aware of how little he really did know.
-When did he get so tall? Not tall-tall though, definitely the Stark gene at work there.
-That suit makes him look so grown up, even if those a-holes took our jackets and shoes. Why did they take our shoes? No. Not important. Focus.
-I care about my son. Come on Tony, think. Something.
-School? Crap, when did I last even read a report card? He’s always aced English. Didn’t he do band? No, shit, that was Peter. Goddamnit, is he right?
“You’re 18.”
“Well done. You want a medal?”
“Is the interview for college?”
His son still didn’t move, wouldn’t even look at him.
“Please, Y/N. I-I know I’ve not really been… present in your life. But I do care about you.”
“Do you?” His eyes burned long repressed anger and Tony prepared himself for everything that was coming. He knew he’d deserve it too.
“You gave up so easily. It was too hard to bond with your idiot son, a shy kid who couldn’t understand simple maths. You’d rather be with women and go to parties, and the company always came first. All you did was throw money at things. For year I was fine with it, you using money to help me. I had more than more. It was clear you struggled with relationships of any kind and I was just dumped on you with no warning. It was fine because I had Rhodey, Pepper and Happy. They were there to talk to, they taught me things and supported me, Rhodey would go to school events whenever he could. I just figured maybe you’re not a paternal person. Then you became Iron Man and started saving the world and I can’t be mad about that.”
Tony stayed silent and watched as his son stood up, running a hand through his hair as he began to pace.
“Then you met Harley and kept in touch with him. You upgraded his garage into a high-tech lab. But he did help you save Pepper and the President so I guess you owed him and I didn’t let it bother me. It wasn’t until Peter came along that I noticed that you are one of the most naturally paternal people I know. You became his father figure, took him in so quickly, bonding immediately. If he needed help, you were there. He wanted to talk, you listened. Whether it’s out being Iron Man and Spider-man, training him, helping him with his school work or just locking yourselves in the workshop for hours building new shit. You’re always there for him. He witters on about some stupid crush for 25 minutes and you hang on every word. But you couldn’t do that for me?! What, did I need to be a genius at maths?! Interested in building extravagant technology?! Would you have noticed me then? You know, you went to Peter’s science show last month but you’ve never been to any of my school events. It was always Rhodey, Pepper and Happy a couple times, or no-one. But never you.”
The young man stared at his father, chest heaving, eyes burning as he held back tears. Yet Tony said nothing. He couldn’t take his eyes off his son. Lips parted and eyes glistening with unshed tears, he just sat, no words coming out.
“Yeah I’m 18 any yeah it’s a college interview. I graduate in a few weeks, Rhodey’s going. I’ve already been accepted to a couple colleges. Only a few months and I can leave.”
He didn’t give Tony a chance to respond as he risked the bed, laying down and facing the wall as he focused on bringing his breathing back to normal.
Behind him, his father watched on as tears fell down his face, guilt taking over his whole being.
Neither of them spoke for the rest of the night. While his son eventually fell asleep, Tony stayed on the floor, thinking through everything his son told him and looking back over the years.
The following morning, two guard came in and took Tony away.
They brought him back a few hours later, unharmed. The younger Stark watched as Tony worried his bottom lip and fussed with his clothes. He noted the troubled look on his father’s face and it was clear that whatever the kidnappers told him wasn’t good at all.
But he remained silent.
Eventually Tony settled, sitting on the floor again. But the two still didn’t speak for a few more hours.
“I’m sorry,” Tony finally broke through the silence and tense atmosphere of the confined space.
His son remained silent but his eyes moved up to look at him. This was enough of an acknowledgement that he was listening and so Tony continued.
“You might not believe that, but I am. I don’t know why it was so hard or why it was so easy with Peter. I didn’t- It wasn’t intentional, I didn’t even realise.”
The young Stark kept his eyes on his father but his face stayed blank and lips sealed.
“And you know, just because maths and science subjects didn’t come naturally to you doesn’t mean you’re an idiot. I’ve never once thought you were. I know the Stark name has become so tied to them, mechanics, advanced technology and engineering… but it doesn’t mean you’re not…good enough? Because you don’t follow that. I never thought you should have been, it didn’t-didn’t disappoint me or anything. But you were always so talented in arts, you wrote the most amazing stories and a complete natural in the kitchen. Things I’m not so great at. It just made it harder for me to figure out how to connect. I didn’t know where to start.”
A small smile flashed across his face, eyes glazed as he recalled the past.
“Y’know, I loved those stories about the uh, the dragons that live on your shoulder. I’d find drawings and paintings of them all over the house, and it was a big house!”
Across from him, his son’s head raised a little higher, eyebrows subtly furrowing and looked at the soft expression on his father’s face. He had no idea Tony even know about those.
“I should have been there, tried harder. There’s no excuse for that. But I have always cared. You were just so talented in things I didn’t understand. Then I saw how close you and Rhodey became and-“
Tony let out a sigh, looking away from his son.
“You were left with me, an egotistical ass and a- a playboy. I didn’t think I deserved you. You deserved someone better. Someone emotionally available and mature. Someone to help you grow into an amazing person and progress your talents. Someone like Rhodey. He deserved you and you him. He was -and is- better for you. You were loved and supported by him, and then Pepper and Happy, so I – I thought you’d be ok. That you wouldn’t need me.”
Once again it was all quiet in the small room. This time Tony wouldn’t look at his son, but he couldn’t take his eyes off his father.
“I did need you.”
His voice was raspy as he admitted this to not only Tony but himself.
“Rhodey’s the best. I love him. Couldn’t have asked for a better Uncle. But that’s what he is; my Uncle. You were supposed to be my Dad. I shouldn’t have had a father figure when my father was right there. You were so cool, before and after becoming Iron Man. You made everything around you seem like fun. I didn’t understand the tech crap but- I’m an artist. I can, and did, design things. It’s not all on you, I didn’t make it easy.”
“You were a kid, it is on me. But, maybe- When we get out of here I’ll do better. I want to be an active part in your life. I also understand if it’s too late though.”
“It’s not. It’ll take time but, I’d like that. Rhodey might get jealous though.”
A huffed laugh slipped past Tony’s lips as they spread into a smile on his face when his son cracked a grin.
They continued to talk into the night, about school, which colleges and courses, friends and dating. Once they started they couldn’t stop.
It is hard to shut up a Stark.
They were laughing about one of Tony’s stories of his time in MIT with Rhodey when an explosion shook the room.
The men stood up and faced the door as the sounds of fighting and yelling grew nearer. A smirk spread on Tony’s face as he recognised the noises of his teammates.
It wasn’t long before the door was broken down and Captain America stood in it’s place.
“Bout damn time. Did you stop for coffee?”
“Yeah, yeah, tin man. You’re welcome.” Hawkeye quipped as they walked down the halls.
Rhodey broke through to get to his nephew’s side, checking him over and ensuring he was ok.
Tony led the group to the main room. The kidnappers had access to files and tech that would be too dangerous to leave.
As Tony wiped everything, quips flowing between him and his teammates, none of them noticed the man sneak in through another door.
The younger Stark moved before his brain could even process what was happening, placing himself between his father and the gun that was raised to his back.
*bang*
#tony stark x reader#platonic tony stark x reader#platonic!tony stark x reader#tony stark x son!reader#tony stark x son#tony stark imagine#avengers imagine#avengers reader insert
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Opposite Day (Or DuPont's Worst Nightmare) Part 3: Ladybug is that HBIC
Hi everyone!!! So, here's the next chapter of ODDWN! And from what you can tell of the title, yes, this is where Ladybug and Chat Noir defeat the Akuma, or essentially, the last main chapter. I'm gonna be doing an aftermath obviously, but right now we're gonna focus on Ladybug telling Chat Noir off. Cause let's be real, Adrien doesn't know what "no" means, and Marinette is way too nice to actually tell him off. THANKFULLY, she doesn't have a filter, so this kitty's getting skinned.
Enjoy! :)
(To get a feel for this chapter, listen to either rules by doja cat, or confident by Justin Bieber and chance the rapper. Your choice lol)
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First / Previous Chapter / Masterlist
Walking out of the classroom, Marinette turned to walk down the stairs. "Dupain-Cheng." Marinette stopped in her tracks, and turned around towards Chloe. "What, brat?" Marinette glared. She was hungry, and getting stopped was annoying her.
Chloe huffed at the insult. Turning her head, "I was, gonna say you could hang out with me and Sabrina now that you have a spine, but for that insult I'm reconsidering."
Marinette laughed, clearly mocking the other girl. "No thanks, I don't hang out with entitled brats like you. I mean, seriously? You?" She scoffed, rolling her eyes. Marinette was about to walk away when Chloe growled. "Excuse you?! I am Chloe Bourgeois! I have everything, like you would ever understand!"
"Oh Chloe, we both know you're lying. Even to yourself." Marinette looked over her shoulder, before turning slightly. "What does that mean?" Chloe placed her hands on her hips. "You don't have everything you could ever want, isn't that right?" Marinette smiled in mock sympathy. "Of course I do! I'm the mayor's daughter!" Chloe hesitated, not knowing what Marinette was getting at.
"Yes, you are the mayor's daughter, yes you're rich, but none of those things can give you what you truly want," Marinette shook her head, walking in a slow circle around the blonde. "Your mom left you," Chloe flinched at that remark. Marinette continued, "Your dad isn't there for you," Another flinch, Chloe curled her fists. "You only have one friend, and everyone hates you." Marinette stopped walking, she stood behind her. Grasping her shoulders, Marinette spoke in Chloe's ears. "Poor, poor Chloe. You're alone, and no one truly understands you. But who's fault is that? Who's fault is it that everyone cowers before you?"
Chloe looked to be on the verge of tears, not that Marinette could see. "You want friends, and you want people to care about you, right? No one's ever paid attention to you, and no one cared enough." Marinette sighed, taking on a sympathetic voice. "What are you getting at, Dupain-Cheng?" Chloe whispered, knowing if she spoke louder her voice would crack. "You don't have to be alone, Chloe. You don't have to have people be scared of you. You brought this upon yourself by being a horrible person. But," Marinette let go of Chloe's shoulders. Walking towards the stairs, she turned to look back at the other girl. "Even you can be redeemed. You just have to try."
With that, Marinette left an emotional Chloe at the top of the staircase. "Stupid Dupain-Cheng, what does she know?" Chloe whispered, rubbing at her eyes furiously.
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Running into the bathroom, Marinette locked the door to her stall, and opened her purse. "Marinette! Let's hurry! We've waited too long, who knows what the akuma has done!" Tikki cries in a whisper, flying out of the purse. "I know, Tikki, don't lecture me." Marinette grumbles, calling her transformation.
Now on the roof of her school, Marinette listens intently for the sound of an akuma. Lo and behold, a few blocks down came the screams. "Guess he circled around the city." Marinette murmured, swinging onto the building across the street. There, in the street down below stood the akuma Opposite Man. He had a staff he used to zap people, and had what looked like smoke bombs to affect groups of people.
From what she could tell, Marinette deduced that the staff made you do the opposite of what you're trying to do, and the smoke bomb affects your personality. That's why I felt weird today, and the purple smoke in the air. Marinette thought, suddenly realizing.
She analyzed the scene below, trying to find a way to restrain him, and get his akumatized object. She heard a thump from behind her and internally cursed. She didn't need his recklessness this time. Ladybug had a job to do.
"Hello, M'lady! I've missed you, my bugaboo!" Chat Noir purred, leaning on his staff. Ladybug stood up, and slowly turned to face him, while saying sarcastically, "Oh wow, M'lady and Bugaboo? Using both names which you know I hate? You must be here to be a nuisance --as usual" Ladybug crossed her arms, titling her head with a mock surprised face, before dropping it and glaring at him.
"Me-ouch, M'lady! No need to be so harsh! I'm just here to be your savior! After all, it is what good boyfriends do!" Chat Noir exclaimed, reaching to touch her. Marinette didn't know what he wanted to touch, but it frightened her nonetheless. Normally, she would flinch back, and try to put distance, but the akuma’s powers, no, they didn't let her.
Grabbing his wrist before he can touch her, Ladybug sneered. "Don't fucking touch me, you mangy cat!" Chat Noir tried to pull his hand back, but Ladybug wasn't done. "You know what you are, Chat Noir?" A step forward. Ladybug had the hand with the ring on it, not that Chat noticed. No, he was too shocked his lady was talking back to him. Where was this confidence? She never fought back!
No, no, you can't let your victim fight you! Chat had to fix this! His thoughts were broken when Ladybug spoke again. "You're nothing, but a nuisance, a menace, a reckless little brat, and--" Insult after Insult. Each insult equaled a step closer, till she backed him up against the edge of the roof.
"M'lady! Now, don't get so riled up! You're only acting this way cause you got hit! We can defeat the Akuma and go back to normal!--" Chat Noir rambled, desperately trying not to fall off the tall building they were on. It was three stories, and if he fell, his staff couldn't save him, it was knocked away from him, but Ladybug cut him off. "You mean the akuma I'm going to defeat, you're useless, you can't do anything to help me. In fact, I don't need you at all!" Ladybug shouted, her grip on his wrist getting tighter. Harder for him to break out of, she mused in her head.
"Don't lie, Ladybug! We're meant for each other! You're the only one that doesn't see it. Come on! Let go so we can get you back to normal." Chat Noir rolled his eyes, smiling his signature Adrien Sunshine Boy smile. This would convince her, surely-- Ladybug's expression only darkened. "Right, cause when I'm back to normal, I don't fight you. I'm a doormat when I'm normal, gives you more opportunities to harass and get away with the shit you do. And we're not "meant" for each other, you asshat. You're a horrible person, and I hate you!" Ladybug was screaming by now. She grabbed his fingers, ready to slip off the ring. He looked to shocked at her declaration to notice at first.
"Chat Noir, by order of the Guardian of the Miraculous, You are hereby revoked of your miraculous, and you'll face the full consequences of your actions." He looked enraged at her order, and tried to break free. "Catacly--" He tried to shout, but she laughed. "I'll just tie you up and take it after you transform back forcefully. Like I said, you're fucking stupid." Still laughing, she smirked as he did it anyway.
She let go of him, and before he could run away, tied him up with her yoyo. Quickly attaching him to a pole on the roof, Ladybug rolled her eyes. "I told you, you stupid cat."
Sighing, she waited till she heard the beeping start. Leaning against the opposite wall, Ladybug watched with unnatural satisfaction as Chat Noir yelled, screamed, and demanded she put him down. She couldn't do this to him, he'd cry over and over. To the Ladybug of yesterday, his cries would be answered, and she'd let him down. Apologize and turn around, waiting for him to recharge.
To the Ladybug of now, however, it was hilarious. Hearing him yelling and screeching. He was terrified of the consequences, apparently. Then came the final beep, and then came her devilish grin.
The look of terror on his face caused her to laugh. Before he detransformed, Marinette said one last thing. "Bye bye, little kitty. I hope you rot in hell," releasing him as his transformation fell, Ladybug grabbed Chats, no, Adrien's wrist-- she was too happy, and too satisfied to break down from the new hole in her heart-- and yanked the ring off his finger.
Ladybug didn't look back as she took off towards the akuma that had made it's way down a few blocks. No, not even to acknowledge the screaming pleas of Adrien Agreste.
•♧•♧•♧•♧•♧•♧•♧•♧
Hey there! So, I finished the Final Main Part of ODDWN! Hope you guys liked it, it was a bit rushed at the end, I wanted to get this written by Sunday. Now, by the time you've read this, its Monday (Today). I'll get to writing the aftermath chapter for this story tonight, and it'll be up sometime around this week or the next, depending on how long I want it to be, or what I want to happen. If you have any questions, requests, or prompt recommendations please feel free to send me an ask!!
I hope you guys enjoyed!! Taglist below!
@charming-mage
@agent-numbuh-227
@whatsupwithjinx
@andromeda612
@miraculesbians
@fandom-trapped-03
@spicybelladonna
@unknown-nr-9
@emmathedestroyer
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A note I’ll never send:
Day 1:
I just want to apologize for how I reacted. I overreacted, which was completely inappropriate.
Communication is what makes this work. Communication is a two-way street. You communicated you needed space, which I would like to point out that you did not provide a reason to why you needed your space. A family emergency is a completely valid reason to need space. But that was not communicated until this morning when you called me.
Since a reason to why you needed space was not communicated, I began to create reasons in my head as to why you needed your space. My minds a dark place. My anxiety causes my thoughts to spiral. So I spiraled out of control. It is something I am actively working on in therapy to control. I know I have a problem, and I’m working on fixing it so I can have healthy relationships moving forward in my life.
I have attachment issues and abandonment issues. I can attach myself to people very quickly, especially if I trust them. Then I become co-dependent on them to fulfill my needs. My emotional needs. I am fulfilled when I am of service to others, when I help others. I also need constant reassurance that I am needed, that I am wanted, that I am loved. As well as numerous other issues I can list out. That’s one of the reasons why a D/s relationship is appealing to me.
I’m a mess, I need structure. I’m out of control, I need someone to control me. Hold me down. Keep me sane. Calm my racing thoughts. And that’s what your dominance does for me. It calms me. I don’t have to think anymore. I don’t have to make decisions. You make the decisions. You tell me what to do. You take control so I don’t have to. Because let’s face it, I’m not the best at having control.
Because I have a tendency to be codependent I internalize other peoples behaviors and words. So when you stop responding to me, or tell me that you need space, what I begin to think is that you no longer need me. I think that I’m not good enough for you. I think that you’re ending things. I think that you don’t want to be in my life anymore. I think that there was something I did that made you need space. I think that I fucked up. I think that I opened up too much and I scared you away. I think that it’s all my fault.
Hence the lengthy emotionally charged, deeply insecure message I sent. I woke up, hungover from drinking way too much the night before. I went out and tried to find strength at the bottom of the bottle, but instead I found myself on the floor throwing up. I felt abandoned. My anxiety started building. All the questions in my head left unanswered. Why do you need space? What is going on? Why won’t you talk to me? Why can’t I help?
Then my insecurities kicked in and I was like why are you doing this to me? Because codependent people internalize others actions and self-criticize themselves which lowers our self-esteem. But you didn’t do any of that. That was all me, that was all in my head. And that’s what I am working on in therapy to stop doing. Stop internalizing. Stop blaming myself. Stop overthinking. Stop exaggerating. Stop turning small things into big things.
This relationship with you is helping me with all of that. Although you’re in control, I am becoming more independent - emotionally. Or at least I’m trying.
You’re unable to provide the emotional support I need, or rather what I want. I want more emotionally support than I need - because I’m codependent. I’m essentially trying to train myself to be less codependent on others to fulfill my emotional needs. You cannot fulfill them, therefore I am training myself to not need seek it from you. Now, that’s not to say I don’t want you to be there for me when I need you. Because your presence calms me. All you provide me with is all I need from you. Because it fills this other need. The subspace.
I should have respected your space. I shouldn’t have pushed. But my insecurities got the best of me. I kept trying to push them down but they slipped past my lips and through my fingertips where I expressed them in a very inappropriate manner. I am ashamed of the way I reacted when you communicated a need to me and I failed to respect that. I hope you can forgive me.
Typically when people tell me they need space, they leave me. I never understood why. I was always left trying to deal with my insecurities and emotions and I just never learned how to process those feelings in a healthy manner.
I stay with people I shouldn’t be with because I am afraid of being alone. I’ve been hurt and left so many times so I put up walls to protect myself. When I let those walls down, when I let people in, I become very vulnerable. When people I let it begin to drift, pull away, leave, etc. I freak out. Because my reasoning is: I let another person in and they hurt me. Everyone is just going to hurt me. Everyone is going to leave me. I get all these negative thought distortions. My therapist actually called me out on it. I told her everyone leaves me. Well, that’s not a truthful statement at all. Not everyone leaves. There’s a lot of people who are still in my life, people who Qi have been in my life for years. But because I was adopted, my birth parents “left me”. My dad “left” when my parents got divorced, but he never left me. My mom “left” for months at a time every year to go to Portugal. So I internalize that. So I create these thought distortions that everyone’s going to leave me. So when you said you needed space, the way I process information in my brain is “oh, he’s leaving me.” Then the spiral of negative thought distortions begin.
When you said you needed space without providing me with a reason, I’m left to make up my own. When I ask if you’re still my Dom and you don’t reply. I’m left to believe you no longer want to be my Dom. So I spiral, and I don’t stop. I tried to drown the thoughts out with alcohol. That didn’t work. I got so drunk I embarrassed myself. I had to have my best friend come pick me up and drive me home because I was so impaired I couldn’t make it home myself. And that’s MY fault. And I’m working on not resorting to coping that way. Next time I won’t react like that. Next time I won’t go out and get wasted. Next time I’ll stay home and journal, next time I’ll get really high and paint. Next time I’ll call my friends up. Next time I’ll utilize healthier coping strategies and also next time I will work harder to fight off these negative thought distortions.
Day 2:
My therapist gave me an assessment this morning. The results stated there is a high probability that I have borderline personality disorder. Fuck. It all makes sense now. Especially the way I reacted.
Day fuck yoou
I was vulnerable with you. I trusted you. The trust has been broken. You broke it. I don’t know what you will need to do to gain it back. Knowing myself you just need to say sorry and I will get down on my knees. Because you ensnared me in your trap. You reached into my chest and ripped out my soul. I presented it to you, and you tossed it on the ground, like it was garbage.
Change needs to occur for this to work. I don’t think you’ll be able to provide that. You wrapped me up in the mess that encapsulates your life.
Right now I need someone who I can give complete control to. If you cannot handle that responsibility then I can no longer call you my dom.
I will always care about you. You have a special place in my heart and I will probably always do anything you ask me to do for you, because I will always give you control. Because you mesmerize me. You always will.
But I need more. I’m hurting. I’m in so much pain. And I need to heal. I need to do what is best for me. If you can be a positive person in my life, if you can be supportive, than i can keep you. If you cannot provide any substance to my life than I can not keep you here. I need positive people. I am riding myself of all issues, anxiety.
Decide what you want. Communicate it. If you don’t want me then let’s be friends — in a couple months. Hahah, cuz I don’t like yoou right now. I need to hate you to get over you. Hating yoou is easier than heartbreak.
Day 3:
You can’t handle my submission. Or rather, should I ask you? Can you handle the gift of my submission?
You get the weekend you figure it out. After that I will make the decision.
I miss you so much I just want to hate you. Not talking to you is eating up inside
I just want to sit in your lap and have the whole world around me disappear. Because I’m your arms I am safe. In your presence no one will hurt me.
I would like to think that you’ll always care about me. I fantasize running into you at the bar. I’ll have moved on at that point. And you’ll be watching me, as I make my way across the room, and we’ll smile and maybe exchange words. I like to imagine the thoughts racing through your head at that moment. About how much you miss me, how much you want me. I like to imagine that inside you’re slowly dying because you realize you let the best thing ever just walk away. How you fucked it all up. Because honey, I didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not my fault.
With love,
K.Sway
#bd/sm blog#daddysgirl#a letter to my dom#a letter i'll never send#writing#original content#my writing#borderline personality disorder#bpd life
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Im so sorry...is your sister a minor
yeah she’s 17. i really don’t blame her it just sucks. anyway i think i needed to work through this but its also way too long so
lol like that was supposed to be my birthday gift but it has now become a romantic getaway for a man and his gf (who is 18 years younger than him) and my sister and one of her friends. at like. one of the most expensive hotels in the country. the same man who guilted me into giving private tutoring to 8 students at a time while i was a student because he apparently is super poor and has no money and no job. (i started tutoring for extra money and to just. have a job. because he has also given me shit about that before too. if i don’t have a job i’m like a useless baby child who he can never trust to be responsible for her own life. turns out that was just a load of bullshit to trap me. and yeah i was teaching 8-9 students at some point and i think i was like telling him hey i don’t know if this is a good idea. its a little crazy. and he was like no u should keep doing it. its money u should just earn it. we aren’t doing great financially and at some point we might need ur help paying for ur sister’s tutoring classes. and so i did and it hurt me SO much last semester. + covid but also. it was tutoring mostly lmao)
anyway i just. the thought of everything made me cry a lot in the shower lol. like that. quiet cry where u are sobbing uncontrollably but u have to mute it as much as possible so that ur mother who’s washing dishes in the kitchen doesn’t hear it
today we had some ikea furniture delivered. and i was assembling it. and my mom told me “when we were married i was always the one putting together the IKEA furniture. ur dad would always get frustrated and give up” and then in the shower i realized that’s exactly how my dad treats me lmao. i am.... his ikea furniture
so like. i can actually trace the most recent incident of abuse i faced from him back to when. i allowed him to “help” me with my university degree transfer issues. u know. because i couldn’t do the coding degree he pressured me into doing. and wanted to do something else (i could’ve gone to my uni open house w my friends. who ended up entering the arts faculty. and i WANTED to do psychology in the arts faculty too. but my dad and his gf were there. and they just. told me if i did that i would have no future and no job prospects when i graduated. which is SO fucking funny because both of them individually. their grades were super fucking shit and they were never good enough to get into the school that i did. so they had no fucking business telling me what i should or shouldn’t do. but i didn’t know that because they lied to me. my dad lied to me about so many things to scare me into thinking i couldn’t do anything. and at this point in my life. they were still monitoring my internet usage. and there were restrictions set on my phone. mere. months. before i was meant to be a university student. even getting restrictions off my phone was a big fight i had to have. i bought my own laptop with money i made from this f&b job because i knew if i waited for them to get one for me i would be waiting forever. and i was just so fucking scared of them so i got a. ‘practical’ degree. and then slid off my adhd meds because even that felt like part of the trap they kept me in for years)
i decided i wanted to do linguistics and become a linguistics major but my school wasn’t letting me. and it had been a year. so i let him and my mom get involved. which i had SUCH a bad feeling about. an awful awful bad feeling. i was right lmao. i should’ve known his involvement wouldn’t have done shit and would also. set me up for yet another Major Traumatic Incident. which i have spent the entirety of 2020 trying to avoid. do you know how stressful and tiring it feels to just like. every moment around ur own father is u just trying to walk on eggshells praying and hoping that nothing bad will happen. i tried so hard and it fell apart in the end anyway. he couldn’t fix this problem so he took it out on me
my school essentially texted us back saying “we get a shit load of transfer requests every year, even from students from other schools. ur grades from the classes u took aren’t good enough to justify a transfer” and like they were right. i had been off my meds. various things in life had happened. my commute situation wasn’t helping matters either (to and from was 2 hours each) and it has just. not been great. grandad passed away like 2 weeks ago or something at that point. which. may have been an underlying cause for the situation. or maybe he was always going to blow up at me and get violent and crazy. idk
anyway. i guess u could say it is ‘my fault’ for cutting off contact w my father n not speaking to him. but also. he threatened to throw me into a mental institute. and also. violently refused to let me leave the house so he could keep yelling at me. he physically would not let me. i yelled at him to just let me go but he implied that he would actually hurt me if i tried to get past him again. and he said all sorts of shit like he can be crazy too and he can be crazier than me which is something he’s said before. what triggered me to leave was. ok so in the beginning he was giving me the same thing he has yelled at me about over the years. i am super super fucking smart but i waste it all away on purpose and refuse to get my shit together and that’s somehow a personal attack on him. i can’t remember most of it by now. but anyway. i was tearing up and keeping absolutely quiet just waiting for it to be over so i could leave and go to another room. but then he started to. yell at me for crying. its so fucking ironic and weird because in a separate previous incident i was complaining about my school and how much it all was. and i was barely raising my voice but he was like woah woah stop being so emotional!!! as if he doesn’t regularly scream and shout and punch walls or whatever the fuck over the SMALLEST bullshit. anyway. he started to scold me for crying. and then he said ‘if you go out in the future and get a job are you going to cry like this too when ur boss scolds you? or are you acting like this because i’m family and you think its okay?’ as if. i have never had a job. as if i have never had to deal with a boss. bro i swear to fucking god. i am dead to most things now because of him. he can’t do shit. but. in the moment i found this so ridiculous and just SO fucking stupid that i left. i had had enough. i started laughing and i walked out and went to grab my bag so i could go. i didn’t. get very far obviously. and when my dad started threatening me i genuinely thought i was going to die. he was so angry and deranged that i thought he was going to murder me. my heart was going just. so so so fast. even tho i was just standing there. and i told him he was terrifying me (to which he said “GOOD”) and i just NEEDED to get out of this situation and get some space (to which he said “NO” repeatedly). he refused to admit that he would use actual violence to prevent me from leaving the house. he told me he would NEVER let me leave. which was fucking ridiculous. i stay at his house. 2 days out of the fucking week. he literally shoved me backwards so hard when i was trying to leave and he wanted to stop me. he also refused to admit that he used violence or was planning to use violence. i tried to point out this flaw in his logic to him. i said ur going to hurt me. he said no. i said ok then if ur not going to hurt me then let me walk past you and leave the house. he also said no again. and then our cousins rang the door at some point. so then he started to come to his senses. he was like. ‘the reason i don’t want to let you leave is because i’m afraid you’ll hurt yourself.’ which was so fucking stupid. i have NEVER threatened to hurt myself in front of him. i have never shared ANY thoughts of self harm in front of him. he’s the one who would get into massive fights w his dad and threaten to jump out of the window in anger (and i don’t even mean when he was younger. he would fight with his 93 year old dad. fucking stupid bitch). i made this clear to him that i was never ever planning on hurting myself. and then he said fine and let me leave. meaning i had to answer the door to my cousins in tears while he got to walk back to his room and lock himself in
he also. at some point during this argument, told me there would be consequences to me leaving. i guess i know those consequences now lmao. and like. i went home to my moms house. my cousins walked me there. i still haven’t told them. idk if my dad told them. my dad texted me to gaslight me. said that when he said he was going to put me in a mental hospital he meant it as a friendly suggestion because of ‘the state i was in’. and that it ‘wasn’t meant as a threat’ and like. oof. healthy suggestions aren’t meant to be yelled. anyway. i might be texting him. just to inform him about developments and to like. i guess set boundaries maybe. idk. i can’t carry on like this. i hate him and am terrified of him but. cutting him out of my life is basically inviting ostracism from his side of the family. and it’s putting so much stress on me. so. lol
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I just fucking realized that one day this one post showed up on my dash. It was about Korra and why people hate her so much (more so opinion based of op). I don’t remember who made the post but they basically said people love Toph because she’s got attitude but hate Korra because she’s got the same attitude but she’s brown. Yeah, well I fucking hate that post.
I’m similarly toned, I can say I’m brown because my skin is brown. But I don’t hate Korra because she’s got Toph’s attitude with the only difference being that she’s brown. I hate Korra because she’s essentially disconnected the future avatars from speaking to their past lives. Decades, millennium of information and advice passed down to her and she lost that. She didn’t just lose it for herself, she also lost that for the future of the avatars. No more twinkle toes, no more Wan, none of that. Now you’ve got binders and filing cabinets.
I find this fact about Korra, infuriating. It can be said that it was indirectly her fault, but nonetheless it can be traced back to the avatar that came after Aang; Korra. It can be traced back to an event that collided and started with Korra. I’m not saying that I hate her character, I’m saying I hate an event that can be traced back to her time as the avatar. And how that event has collided and passed down to effect future avatars.
She’s made bad decisions, hell yeah, but so have all the other past avatars. Each avatar has their own share of mistakes and bad decisions. But Korra’s has to be, by far one of the most dangerous and impactful if you ask me. I say she made a mistake because she really did. She trusted and walked along a “trusting” path with someone she was told to keep away from. She only thought of it as being rebellious, in a fun way. All because she just wanted her dad to get off her back.
#tlok#the legend of korra#avatar korra#legend of korra#atla#avatar the last airbender#avatars#avatar aang
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Survey #330
“and i don't want ya / and i don't need ya / don't bother to resist, or i'll beat ya / it's not your fault that you're always wrong / the weak ones are there to justify the strong”
If you have a job, do you like it? I'm unemployed.
Do you like any kinds of fruit? Well of course.
Are you waiting for something right now? Covid and this headache to fuck off, May for my tattoo, to be paid to take some pictures again...
What is your favorite kind of animal? Kind, not the actual animal itself? In that case, social species, usually mammals.
What kind of Dippin' Dots do you like? Holy shit, I haven't had that in like a damn decade or something. I don't know, I barely remember the taste.
Who is the most badass woman that you can think of? My mom. My mother is a fucking warrior.
Do you have a Pinterest account? Yeah. I get a lot of photography ideas from there, as well as base pictures to make Mark icons, haha.
If you were to write a book, what would it be about? The stories I and my friends have weaved in RP.
Have you ever seen the television show The Munsters? AHHHHH YES!!!!! Mom loves that show, so I used to watch it with her growing up.
Have you ever written one of those 'Roses are red...' valentines? I don't think so.
Would you/have you spent more than $200 on any one person for a holiday? I haven't, but I would for certain people.
Do you have a favorite Robin Williams movie? Probably Night at the Museum.
Thoughts on Slender Man? Have you even heard of him? I think it's a cool creepypasta; he does look pretty unnerving with his height and especially lack of a face. The movie was good too, btw.
Do you know what the Tardis is? I think almost everyone does in this generation, haha. Doctor Who ain't no joke to a whole lot of people.
Are there any children's shows that you'd watch today if they were on? Sure, like Pokemon or Avatar: The Last Airbender, among others. I wouldn't at all be opposed to watching The Lion Guard, either. I actually want to, with my whole TLK love. I'm not embarrassed to watch "kids" shows or movies at all.
What would you call yourself the King or Queen of? Having not an ounce of knowledge on how to love things in moderation/avoid total obsession with things, haha.
If I paid for you to take karate lessons, would you? No, especially not now with my legs.
Do you read more fiction or non-fiction? Almost solely fiction.
What modern technology are you especially grateful for? Laptops, ig.
Do you have a favorite science topic? Genetics. Very fascinating stuff.
Have you ever read any Sherlock Holmes stories? No.
What is the saddest movie that you've ever seen? Either Johnny Got His Gun or Boy in the Striped Pajamas.
What's your most popular post? On what? If Facebook, I don't really know. Possibly my "coming out" one or a lovey-dovey essay when Sara and I were together. On Tumblr, it's definitely the gif I made of Mark and Chica (his dog) with I think over 10k notes.
Manga or anime? Anime. I don't read manga, though I've been tempted with Deadman Wonderland since the show only had one season and ends on a ginormous cliffhanger, but there's more story to be had.
A card game that you're good at? None, really.
A popular book you haven't read yet? To Kill a Mockingbird. I feel like every school student has read it at some point.
Favorite Mean Girls quote? I don't know any. It's a fine movie, but I've never understood the hype.
Name your top 3 albums from your favorite band/artist. Black Rain, Ozzmosis, and... then I can't choose. I love so, so many very dearly.
Name your top 5 music videos. I don't really watch music videos, so I definitely can't name five. My #1 favorite is probably "Wrong Side of Heaven" by Five Finger Death Punch; I absolutely cannot watch it without crying.
What are you most passionate about? How did this passion develop? Animals. I was born simply adoring animals and have always wanted to protect them and their environment.
Do you like monkeys? Do you believe in evolution? Yes and yes. We've literally watched it in action.
What embarrasses you the most in front of other people? Discussing RP if you're not involved in it. I'm terrified of people thinking I'm weird.
Have you considered running for president? Absolutely not.
Which famous person would you like to be BFFs with? I'd say Mark, but I'd be way too interested in dating him instead of being just friends, haha... So with that said, maybe Bindi Irwin?
Would you ever go skinny dipping with the last person who commented you? Lyndsey would be that person, so no. She's a great friend of mine, but realistically I'd probably only ever - if ever - do that with the company of my s/o.
Are you still friends with the last person who broke your trust? No.
How long did your last relationship last? Around two years.
Have you ever been banned from anywhere? Online, yes, as a little kid on the Animal Planet forum, haha...
Has anyone kissed you when you weren't expecting it? Yeah, Juan.
Did you like it? It was a sweet moment, but I didn't want it.
Does your dad smoke? Like a chimney.
Is your mom over 50? Yeah.
Are you currently listening to anything? Yeah, kinda hooked on "The Horrible People" by Manson. I've found a lot of great music lately.
Would you ever consider getting breast implants? No, but once (if...) I lose all the weight I want, it's going to be a moderate priority to get a breast lift. I've hated my body way too fucking long and am dying to be satisfied with it again, and with how much weight I need to lose, I would essentially have grandma tits. :x
Do you know anyone who is bisexual? Me, haha. Among some friends.
Who would you tell, or who did you tell when you lost your virginity? That's not something I'd just go to tell someone afterwards for no reason... I'd only ever mention having lost my virginity if I was actually asked or if it was relevant to a conversation.
Is there something you have been trying to learn lately? I'm really trying to practice opposite action and behavioral activation, among other things I've learned in group therapy.
When you think about your future career, do you envision yourself becoming the head honcho or CEO? If not, why not? Well, I want to be my own boss as a freelance photographer. In any other job, I definitely wouldn't want that. Too much responsibility and leadership skills.
Can you think of a time when you seriously misjudged a music artist based on their name? I don't think so?
Have you ever kissed someone that you didn’t really want to kiss (not assault, just indifference)? Why did you go along with it and how did you feel after? Yes, Tyler. I felt like I was "supposed to." I felt really uncomfortable afterwards.
If you have to wake up early for something, what time is just TOO early for you to be there and be presentable and sentient? Have you ever had to be somewhere that early? Probably like, 5:00. No.
Have the majority of your romantic relationships started with a physical attraction or a deeper connection? Always an emotional connection.
Did you ever write a fan letter to a celebrity? How about submit something to a magazine? No to both.
What hair color is the most attractive on the opposite sex? Of natural colors, black, but I like unnaturally dyed hair most.
Where do you like to go to when you are stressed? On a carride, so long as I'm controlling the music nice and loud and not talking.
Where do you go to get your hair cut/dyed? To a family friend's little salon/small business.
Why do you want the career that you want? Because I adore art and think it's pretty darn magical that you can freeze a moment forever to not just remember in your head, but actually see.
Have you ever watched iCarly? Yeah, I enjoyed it when I was younger.
What was your favorite class during your sophomore year of high school? Art.
Do you wear bandanas in your hair? No.
Have you ever been on a blind date? No, not interested.
How many living grandparents do you still have? None.
Have you ever worked in an office? No.
Who does the grocery shopping in your house? Mom.
Have you ever stayed in a hotel without your parents or older relatives? No.
Did you have an Easy-Bake oven when you were little? Sure did.
Have you ever seen a donkey? Yeah.
Have you ever made out in a hot tub? Pretty sure no.
Do you always flush the toilet after you use it? Yes.
What were the last words you said to your dad? Probably "bye, love you."
Have you cuddled with someone you weren’t dating? Nah.
Who has the ability to hurt you the most emotionally? JASON.
Are you a really understanding person? Yeah, very.
Are you the type of person that enjoys getting hugs? Yes.
When’s the last time you wore a wig? For a witch costume many years ago.
Why were you last hospitalized? Suicide attempt.
What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without food? At least 12 hours, but I think I almost went a day once back when recovery started and my appetite was non-existent.
What was the last name of your third grade teacher? Mrs. Britt.
How was the last chicken you ate cooked? They were chicken tenders.
What is your favorite kind of chip? Hot crunchy Cheetos.
What grade did you have your first boyfriend? 7th.
Have you ever been told that you’ve lost weight? Yeah, back when I actually WAS losing loads of weight. >>
Do you have the same political views as your parents? Some things, but definitely not all.
Does anyone call you babe/baby? No.
Have you ever made a significant other cry? Sadly.
If you could make your lips bigger, would you? Maybe just a teeeeny bit.
Are you one to sneak food into movie theaters? Yep. Fuck them prices.
Are you prone to illness? Definitely not.
What races do you usually date? History says Caucasian, but I have no actual preference. I'll date any race.
What’s your cup size? C.
Ever flirted with a teacher? Yikes, no thanks.
Who was the main cook of your Thanksgiving meal last year? My older sister made the most stuff.
Have you ever been dumped really harshly? Well, considering it literally traumatized me...
Do you have any ex’s you can’t stand anymore? No.
Are you more of a phone or a computer person? Computer, definitely.
When was the last time you made a sandwich? What did you put on it? Yesterday for lunch. Ham, American cheese, and mustard.
Have you ever made friends with someone that you didn’t expect to get along with? Yeah.
Do you own any accessories with your name on? No.
What brand of eyeliner do you use? I pay no attention to this.
Have you ever been sexually harassed? No.
Have you ever sent a naughty text message? Suggestive ones, yes.
How long have you had your pets? Roman, around two years. Venus, around three or four years.
Who was the last person to tell you that they love you, other than family? Sara.
Has one of your friends ever tried to hook you up with someone? Colleen tried obnoxiously hard to push Girt and me together. We all went out to eat pizza once just as friends hanging out, and this bitch prefaced an uncomfortable and nosy question to him with an even more uncomfortable "because I'm trying to get you in her pants...", and that, my friends, was the closest occasion I've ever come to slapping someone right across the face. I looked at her in absolute disgust, and Girt was clearly thinking "what the actual fuck" as well. I do not miss her feral mouth.
Are you good at staring contests? No. Eye contact is very difficult for me to maintain.
Do you like peanut butter? I love peanut butter.
When was the last time you had to present something to your class? In this mandatory but entirely pointless entry class at my last college, we all had to do like this PowerPoint introducing ourselves. I hated it.
Who was the last person that told you they missed you? I think my friend Chelsea.
What store is your favorite shirt from? It's not a real store, but rather an online brand: Cloak. Mark is one of the owners/creators so I obviously support them intensely.
Have you ever fell off your bed while you were sleeping? No, thankfully.
Do you have something you’re supposed to tell someone, but you haven’t yet? No.
What type of food do you never really eat? Vegetables, oops.
Have you ever cut someone else’s hair? No.
Do you like going to weddings? Not really, if I'm being honest. I'm only interested in photographing weddings for the only the couple pictures and pay, really. I'm not big on formal events.
What’s your favorite flavor squash? I don’t like squash.
Do you or anyone in your house have a severe allergy? No.
Who was the last guest in your house and what were they staying for? Our landlord/family friend, just to hang out for a little bit and chat with Mom.
What fad were you actually into? Hm.
What was the last spontaneous thing you did? I'm not a very spontaneous person, so I really don't know.
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Breathe
Summary: The unbearable loneliness of loving a bad guy takes its toll.
Pairing: Miguel Galindo x Reader
Words: 2744
TW: mild language, mentions of depression and addiction
---
---
“Let’s go for a drive.”
The rough voice breaks through your thoughts, and your immediate reaction is to grind your cigarette on the pool edge like you’re trying to hide a dirty habit. You release a nicotine-laced breath you’ve been holding and look up with guilt stamped all over your face. The owner of the voice looms over you, hands on his hips and an eyebrow raised. The blue glow refracts off the planes of his face, casting deep shadows under weary eyes. You hate that your insomnia is disturbing his sleep; you know how busy his days are and how stressed he is juggling his work on both sides of the border.
“Where are we going?” You take his offered hand, pulling yourself up so you’re face-to-face with him. He keeps his hand on yours. The water drips down your bare legs as he leads you back into the house. “Miguel.”
“You can’t sleep.”
“Let’s go back to bed,” you offer as you tug on his hand. He stills and looks over his shoulder, his expression soft and apologetic. “I can try.”
With a solemn shake of his head, he squeezes your hand and leads you through the side door into the garage. He reaches for a set of keys with an enamel racehorse.
“Should we get Paco or Nestor?”
“No,” he says. He opens the passenger side door to the red Ferrari convertible — his first car gifted to him by his father when he was barely old enough for a learner’s permit. He’s kept it all these years for its sentimental value; but you don’t recall the last time he used it (or the last time he drove — he always gets chauffeured). “We won’t go too far. Promise.”
When he gets into the driver’s side and starts the engine, you can’t help but feel like you’re at fault. You hate making him feel like he has to worry about you when he’s already got so much on his plate. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?” He asks with a soft smile before he kisses you. “You’ve done nothing wrong, my love.”
---
Somehow you feel like every other thing you’ve done to lead you to this man has been the wrong decision. Sure he’s made you the happiest you’ve ever been. He’s made you believe that you can love someone so much you’d be willing to sacrifice your world just to be a part of his. And yet, here you are overwhelmed with guilt over the fact that you’ve isolated yourself from everyone else you’ve ever loved just to be with him.
Once you’re on the road, Miguel leisurely drives through the bends and curves of the Santo Padre hillside. A long stretch of road opens up and he revs the engine before he bolts through at breakneck speed. As your back presses into the seat, you glance sideways to see the smirk on his face and the concentration in his eyes as he changes gear. Looking at him like this — genuinely happy — brings you a sense of calm. When it’s just the two of you, it reminds you of how much fun you have when you’re with him.
He’s the hand that pulls you out of the deep blue waters.
---
Miguel drives for another fifteen minutes before you stop at a lookout point overlooking the border wall. It’s a sight to behold to see the agricultural side of Santo Padre set in opposition to the vibrancy of light over in Santa Madre. In a way, it parallels the state of your life right now. Isolated up in the hills with just Miguel to keep you sane, while the life you once had continues beyond the metal gates of your new home.
“We need to talk,” Miguel says as he parks the car and leaves it idle. The ensuing silence is like fog — so thick and ominous. You want to wait it out, wait until it lifts before continuing on this conversation. “At some point, you need to tell me what’s going on in that pretty head of yours.”
You smile weakly in his direction.
“Babe.”
You swallow hard, parting your lips like you’re ready to divulge every self-critical thought contributing to your depression. But the words halt at the tip of your tongue. You can’t tell Miguel you’re losing yourself by being with him. You love him too much to hurt him like that. “I need some air.”
---
November in the desert is really no different from the rest of the year, only the nights are colder. The moment you step outside, your body wants to retreat back into the warm leather comfort of the Italian sports car, but you surge on. The ivory silk robe flutters in the breeze. Your bare feet hurt from the jagged surface of the earth. Standing on the edge, you look down below at the rocks — their flat surfaces lit by the pale glow of the moon. It’s a long way down from here.
“Come back.”
He wraps his hand around your wrist and pulls you from the edge and into his arms, wrapping you in a tight embrace. Your arms fall limply at your sides only prompting him to squeeze a little tighter. “Miguel, you’re hurting me.”
“I — I’m sorry.” He pulls away but still keeps you within arms reach, and he presses a long kiss to your forehead. “I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong here. Please tell me because it’s killing me to see you like this.”
“Like?”
“Sad,” he says then chews on his bottom lip. “I don’t know. Depressed?”
Tears — the kind that burn — well up in your eyes.
He kisses one closed eyelid after the other, then he sighs.
“I’m sorry I’m like this,” you say quietly. Memories of the last several weeks enter your brain, and you’re reminded of those sleepless nights, the surface-level conversations over dinner, the lack of motivation to go into town to get anything done. Apart from your job, which you don’t even find to be a refuge anymore because you’ve noticed how everyone treats you differently, you’ve holed yourself up in that mansion on the hill. “This is probably not what you had in mind when you asked me to move in with you. But this is me, Miguel. This is who you get.”
He presses his lips together in a tight line and looks up at the night sky. He shakes his head, refusing to believe you — wanting to believe the honeymoon version of you. The girl who was falling in love and who could pretend that nothing else mattered, that it was just the two of them against the naysayers. But she’s gone. You left her down in the valley when you chose him over your family. When you chose the cartel over your own brother who died of addiction. When you chose love over principle.
---
Miguel walks back to the car and sits on the hood. He leans forward, resting his palms on his knees, his head hanging low. You can tell he’s pondering whether or not he’s made a mistake taking this huge step with you. It was easier when you started; no one else had confirmation you were dating the leader of the drug cartel. It was all rumours and whispers. Now, you essentially belonged to him.
As your friends and family found out, they began to stay away from you. A lot of them warned you not to fall for his charm. A few, who were never really your friends to begin with, used your connection to try to get something for themselves. If they weren’t using you to get to Miguel, they were leaving you in the dust.
The worst was your family. But who could blame them after the hell you all went through when your brother died from a heroin overdose 15 years ago? Miguel had been in the East Coast at the time, and wasn’t even involved in his father’s cartel business. He didn’t kill your brother, but to your family, he might as well have.
It’s fucked up. You know how fucked up it is to fall in love with him with your family’s history. It’s selfish and weak. This whole relationship is a ticking time bomb, and once it inevitably explodes, you’ll have no one else. And for what? Because he treats you like the queen in his castle? Because he fucks you so good you forget the terrible decisions you make?
Your mother once told you that you’ve given up everything just to be Miguel’s puta. You stay awake at night and tear through an entire box of cigarettes, thinking about what she said and always coming to the conclusion that she’s right.
How can you love and resent him at the same time? The push and pull takes a toll on the heart, and you’re just so fucking tired of it. You just want to go home, curl up in your mother’s arms where no one ever questions the context of that love.
---
If you were to take away the fact that he is the Galindo Cartel, it changes the context of your love. A businessman recruited your help in offering refuge to the children of one of the men in his payroll — a man working legally as a sub-contractor for the development of the agricultural park. However, ICE caught wind of the fact that the man was not a US citizen, ambushed him on his way to dropping his kids off at school, and imprisoned him in a cage along the border. He was a single dad of two young daughters; his wife had died of cancer only a year prior.
Miguel’s hands were tied as Lincoln Potter and the rest of the DOJ prevented him from getting involved with affairs that concerned immigration. But Miguel wasn’t a heartless man. He used his resources to find you and ask you to help him secure a place of refuge for the man’s daughters. “I heard you were the best at what you do,” he told you upon first meeting you. “So can you help me?”
A man in his power and position asking you to help him caught you by surprise. But it wasn’t the humility that left you speechless; it was this desire to be the best leader he could be by protecting his people and treating them well. It was his heart.
And after that, Miguel just never stopped surprising you.
---
You suppose it’s easy to think of a cartel kingpin as completely heartless. A sociopath who has nothing to contribute to society. And for people who see the world as black versus white, good versus evil — you can see where they’re coming from, but you refuse to take such a binary approach. You don’t want to come across like you’re idealizing Miguel, because everyone who’s been critical of you throughout your life has said you have the tendency to romanticize your partners. But you strongly believe there’s more to judge in people than the worst acts they’ve done. It’s true he’s all they say he is, but he is so much more.
He is darkness and light, and all the shades of grey in between.
---
Standing in front of him, you place your hands on his hunched shoulders. He stares up at you — sadness swimming in those brown eyes. It isn’t fair. He only wants to be with you, but you’re making it so hard to let him do that when you’re closing yourself off. He’s the reason everyone else abandoned you. He’s all you’ve got left, and you can’t abandon him. You’ve made your choice. As awful as it is to be disowned by your family and to be judged by people who know so little about you and Miguel, you would persist through it all if it means you can continue to love and be loved by this man.
“Te quiero mucho, Miguel.”
He takes your hand and presses it firmly against his lips. “Yo también te quiero, cariño.
You begin to take a seat beside him. A brow raised to ask the unspoken question if it’s okay to sit on the hood of a car that costs more than what most people make in a year. He laughs a little and pats the space next to him, then he drapes an arm over your shoulder. You lean into him and stare out at the night sky — a gradient of black to amber from the lights below.
“My sister asked me not to come to Thanksgiving dinner at my parents’ house,” you say. “She asked me not to come for Christmas or holiday or birthday parties as long as I’m playing house with you.”
Miguel runs his hands over his face and sighs. “Jesus. I’m so sorry it had to come to this.”
“Me too.”
“Is there anything I can do?” He turns to you, eyes pleading for answers. He’s a man of action, who can’t sit idly by as people hurt you and make you feel terrible. But he knows better than to fight back against your family, even though you can tell it’s the equivalent of putting him in restraints. “I don’t want you to lose them.”
You breathe out that last tiny shred of hope. “I already have.”
“I don’t want to lose you,” he admits.
“You won’t.”
“But —“
“— I choose you.”
“You shouldn’t have to make that choice.
---
As the quiet settles, you think now is the time to tell the truth.
“My brother didn’t drown in the Salton Sea,” you tell Miguel for the first time in your relationship. The drowning was a story your family made up because of the shame associated with addiction. Your neighbours knew the story of your brother going to the beach on a summer weekend, and not waking up hours after a swim because of secondary drowning. “He was at the beach that weekend, but he bailed on his friends to try to score heroin. He got caught up in this bad crowd that pressured him into injecting more than he was used to…”
Realization dawns upon Miguel. He knows why people avoid him and don’t like him; it doesn’t phase him anymore. But the unyielding hatred he’s gotten from your family has been a source of confusion for him. Until now.
“You didn’t cause the overdose that killed my brother, but to my family, it’s like you handed him that needle.”
“I’m sorry.” A tear falls to his cheek and he quickly wipes away the evidence.
Wrapping your arm around his waist, you tuck your head under his chin. “It’s not your fault. I would never blame you for what happened. My family can’t understand that. I can’t make them understand that — no matter how hard I’ve tried. And I’m done. I’m so tired, Miguel. I’m so tired.” The sobs start to come out and you’re shaking. He wraps his arms tight around your body, his steady breath soothing the back of your neck.
“I understand now why you need to push me away sometimes,” he whispers softly against your skin. He strokes your hair and rocks you gently against his body. “And I’ll give you whatever you want — the space you need, the time it takes before you’re better. But please don’t leave.”
“I couldn’t.” You look up at him with tears streaming down your face. “The thought of losing you kills me more than the reality of having lost everyone else.”
Miguel holds your face in his hands and presses his forehead to yours. His eyes are sealed tight as he breathes against your parted lips. Something about sharing the air he breathes makes you feel like you’re enveloped in the comforting thought that you’ll be fine. You’ll make it out of this dark hole and find the light, and Miguel will be on the other side waiting patiently for you. You feel safe in his arms. You know he believes in you. Not this shadow of your former self, but you. And even if you can’t be that person tonight, he’s still here. He’s not going anywhere and he’s not letting you go. He breathes you in and that’s all it takes for you to feel enough. The thought settles you and you curl up into him, letting the steady beat of his heart lull you into sleep.
This love has been worth all the sacrifice.
#mayans mc#mayans fx#miguel galindo#danny pino#mayans mc imagine#mayans mc fic#mayans mc fanfic#fyna#100% angst#100% soft!Miguel
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Dear Charlie,
Sorry for more depressing bullshit. That’s all these letters ever are and I’m sure it’s exhausting for you, but there’s never anything good to say. I’d tell you about better things if I could.
I think my parents are gonna get divorced soon. It always feels like they’re one big fight away from ending things and tonight feels like there’s one incoming. I wish I could say I’d be surprised about it, but it’s been a long time coming and everyone is pretty surprised it hasn’t happened already.
I’m still angry about it. Neither of them tries, and that sounds like that’d be unfair to say, but I know neither of them tries because they fucking tell me everything. Dad thinks that Mom’s a witch who actively tries to make him miserable and Mom thinks Dad’s an asshole who never does anything around the house. He gets mad at her for working and she gets mad at him for laying around all day.
I’m more inclined to take her side, because Dad really doesn’t do a lot around the house. Sometimes, he’ll do laundry, empty the dishwasher, or make dinner, but that’s pretty uncommon. It gets frustrating to have to pick up the slack for him just so she won’t come home a total pigsty. There was a while where I only cleaned up after myself, because I got sick of doing it for him, but that made me feel shitty, so I started doing it again.
It’s not that I don’t feel bad for him, though. I know he went through some shit, not that it’s an excuse, and that he’s still dealing with it. But, to me, it feels like he’s gotten worse as time goes on. He’s gotten meaner, and it’s difficult to be around him sometimes. I’d much rather spend my time with Mom because she doesn’t take her bad moods out on me.
Maybe it’s selfish to say, but I really wish they’d go to counseling. If someone else held them accountable for their problems, maybe they’d actually follow through on fixing them. They haven’t even bothered with that, and that part is Mom’s fault, but she’s also super busy with work. Do you know any therapists whose office hours either include weekends or last until 9pm? I sure as fuck don’t.
What’s worse is that they both think that the other person is the problem and don’t wanna take any responsibility for themselves. They each have issues, and they each contribute to the issues in their marriage, but they don’t see that. Dad can never admit when he’s wrong, and he’s such an asshole when he’s right that Mom doesn’t even want to argue with him. Mom does her share of shit too, but, as I said, I’m more inclined to take her side.
Maybe it’s because I’m biased. Mom apologized to me for the things she’d done when I was younger, she was genuinely upset and remorseful when I explained to her how much she’d hurt me. Dad apologized, sort of, then talked about his own problems and essentially said that he’s going to treat my sister the same way he treated me — which makes his apology worth fuck-all. I’m not angry at Mom anymore, and I still harbor a lot of resentment for Dad.
I’m trying to see an upside to their potential blowout. If they’re living separately, there won’t be tension anymore. That’s just about the only upside I can find.
Dad made it clear that he’s going to be a dick about separating if it came to that (which makes me want to hate him more, if I’m being honest). He’s gonna move to God knows what state in some small cabin in the mountains, and only my brother will go with him. No one wants to live in a house that he’d run alone, at least I wouldn’t. It’d look like a frat-house and he’d treat my sister like shit whenever she’d disagree with him.
Mom is never under the impression that they’re gonna separate at all. I don’t think she even has a plan. Maybe she’d get an apartment in the city she works in, or maybe she’d move to PA to be with her mom. Who knows? I know that I’d go with her, that my sister likely would too, and I know that’d probably break my dad’s heart. I don’t know if I’m angry enough to not be apathetic about that.
He’d make her pay him alimony, he told me that once, and she’d hate him for it. He earns enough to be comfortable, he doesn’t need to fuck her over just because he wants to be immature. We’re too old for anyone to get child support, so there’s no help there.
He’d take the dogs, Mom would take the cats. Everyone would be miserable. He’d be alone and Mom would be stuck in a shithole she can barely afford. We’d miss the pets, and we’d also be stuck in a shithole.
I don’t know how to be positive about this.
Love Always,
The Reversed Star
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Nervous Regrets - Tyler Seguin - Part 9
Word Count: 4708
POV: Reader
Warning: Hmmm I may have not used a curse word, but I can’t be sure...haha!
Notes: Sorry this took so long to post. I was hoping to get more writing done this weekend, but it didn’t happen. Then the internet was down most of today because of a storm. At any rate, here’s part 9, the one where you tell your parents. Enjoy!
The trip down to your parent’s was completely uneventful; Tyler and you chatted about nothing of consequence for most of the ride. A sense of déjà vu hit you, this was your little ritual at times with Tyler; chatting essentially about nothing when he was on the road until he would have to get ready for the game. It was fairly easy to fall back into old habits with him; though you prayed some habits would be broken.
Turning onto the street where you grew up, your stomach got queasy; however it had nothing to do with the baby. An overwhelming sense of dread hit you that you were finally going to have to tell your parents everything that had happened in the last few weeks; well, not everything, some things were better left unsaid. They could be demanding at times, more so your mom than your dad. It seemed as though she always sought perfection in each of her children; that she couldn’t see that your imperfections were what made you unique, was a struggle in your relationship. You were sure that she’d see your reconnection with Tyler as one of the biggest mistakes of your life; praying, you hoped she wouldn’t see the baby that way as well.
Pulling into the drive you took a deep breath and gathered your courage. Grabbing your bag, striding through the front door, you said, “Hello, it’s your favorite daughter.” Technically you were their only daughter; so by default you were their favorite. Rushing from the kitchen, they came out to greet with hugs.
“You made great time,” this from your dad as he led the way back to the kitchen. “We’ve got your favorites in the oven for dinner.”
“It smells delicious.”
Busying herself cleaning up dishes that were dirty from food prep, your mom added, “You’re looking more yourself this time. Things must be going well with Robert.”
Leave it to mom, to just get right down to the nitty gritty; if she only knew the real Robert. “We’re not seeing each other anymore.”
“Really? I thought he was so nice, and from such a good family. Didn’t you two go out last weekend?”
Questions never ended with her, and it seemed as though she remembered every insignificant detail that you’d ever told. “It just wasn’t meant to be mom.”
“Can’t you see she doesn’t want to talk about it.”
“Thanks dad. So how have things been here? The big bad world of investment banking treating you well dad?” He always thought daddy’s little girl could do no wrong; hopefully he’d still be thinking that in a few hours.
“Works been great. We just won another trip.”
“Excellent, where are you off to now?” The investment banking business had been good to your family; affording them many luxuries in life. A nice home, financial stability and adventurous vacations were just some of the benefits your family had received from your dad’s hard work.
“Your father is in his glory with this trip, they’re sending us on an Alaskan cruise.”
“Oh wow, that sounds amazing. Are you going to go fishing up there?” It was one of the interest both he and Tyler shared; they would spend endless hours chatting about what flies and lures to use. It all seemed a little mundane to you.
“I’m hoping to. There’s a couple guys on the trip that want to take a float plane in and do some fly fishing.”
“Oh, Ty….” Shit you were almost going to say Tyler would love that but quickly you caught yourself. Coughing hoping to cover up the slip; you went and grabbed a water out of the fridge. “Sorry, throat’s a little dry from the drive, but that sounds amazing.” The timer went off on the stove; you were literally saved by the bell from having to answer anything more.
Dinner went well, you caught them up on what was going on with work, and things that were happening with your friends; that you kept leaving out the most important information, wasn’t by accident. There was never going to be a right time. So as you loaded the last of the plates into the dishwasher; you decided there was no time like the present. Sitting back down at the table, feeling your heart beat fast, you started. “So, I’ve kind of have some big news to tell you.” Preparing both you and them; you paused briefly. “It’s kind of complicated…and well….I didn’t expect it at all.” Ugh you were no good at this, maybe you should start again. “Anyhow, I ran into Tyler; and we’ve been talking. We’re getting back together.”
“OH (Y/N), you’ve got to be kidding me.” There was disapproval dripping from your mother’s voice. “After everything that he did, how can you even contemplate taking him back.” Your dad remained silent.
“Well there’s actually more.” It was kind of like ripping off a bandage, you were either the type of person to take it off nice and slow, or one that ripped it off all at once; all at once was your choice at the moment. “So I’m pregnant, and before you ask its Tyler’s. And yes, it’s part of the reason we are getting back together, but it’s not the whole reason. I love him. I never stopped loving him and I just want the best for all of us. And he’s really trying, I think this time things will be different.”
“Don’t you know once a cheater, always a cheater?” Your mother would focus on that as the most important part of anything you’d just said.
“People can change mom. Is that how you feel about Sean? Because I believe he was the one who cheated on Kristen. Are you saying that he’ll do it on Jessica as well?” It wasn’t right throwing your brother under the bus when he wasn’t even here to defend himself; however, his first marriage had ended because he’d cheated on his ex-wife. That it was with his current wife shouldn’t matter.
“You know that’s different.”
“Is it? I don’t think so mom. It’s only different because Sean is your son. But look he’s been married to Jessica now for five years and things are great with them. I don’t think he’d ever cheat on her. But even if he did, if they love each other can’t they both find a way to work through it.”
“She does have a point.” This from your dad as he watched the exchange between you too. “But I think you’re missing the point here dear. Our daughter just told us she’s having a baby.” He grabbed your hand then and gave it a gentle squeeze; tears started to well in your eyes. Inhaling deeply you closed your eyes willing them not to slip out; the last thing you needed to show your parents now was weakness.
“You’re making a horrible mistake.”
It was all you let your mother say, “My child is not a mistake mother. I will never look at him or her like that. I love Tyler and I love our baby. So please do not say that again.”
“I meant you taking Tyler back is a mistake, not the…” She waved her hands motioning to your belly, as if the word baby had too many syllables in it and she couldn’t get them out. You knew this wouldn’t be easy, but you didn’t expect her to be so negative about your pregnancy.
Growing up you’d constantly butted heads with your mother; in the last few years you’d thought that rift had mended. Though right now it was as if foreshocks were coming across a fault line; preparing you for an earthquake bigger than any that had happened before. “It’s a baby mom, you can say the word.”
“Yes I know what it is. I just don’t feel that you are going about this the right way.”
“And what’s the right way? Don’t you think I would’ve loved to have been married before I was pregnant? Because I would, but sometimes things don’t go the way we envision it.” A tear slid down your cheek, angrily you wiped it away; hating the way you always cried even when you were frustrated.
“Is this why you broke up with Robert?”
That was it, you snapped. “Fuck, Robert mom. He’s nothing but a self-absorbed child that forces himself on people when he doesn’t get what he wants. He has absolutely nothing to do with this. This is about my baby, the one I’m having with Tyler. If you can’t get that through your head, then that’s your problem.” Shoving yourself out of the chair you stood up, anger emanating off of you. “I knew this would be hard for you, but you’ve either got to learn to accept that Tyler is in my life or I don’t need to be in yours. Do you understand me?” Silence ensued, neither one of your parents saying a word. Shaking from the encounter; this was the first time you’d been this forceful with your parents. “I need some air.” Grabbing your purse, you headed out the door straight to your car.
Pulling out of the driveway, you tried to calm your nerves. In your teenage years, after certain rows with your mom; you’d often just go for a drive. Coming back things always looked clearer; you weren’t so sure this time. Aimlessly you drove around, no real destination in mind; until you found yourself parked in front of your brother Matt’s home. Matt was always the voice of reason growing up; he’d put out more fires between you and your mom than you could recall. You’d often joke that he was her favorite; even though he was the middle child. His front door opened, long strides had him standing by your car in no time.
“Hey brat, are you going to sit in the car all night or are you coming in?”
“Are my favorite kiddos in the world here?” Matt had two little ones, a girl and a boy, Rylynn and Reese; they were by far one of the best reasons for coming home.
“Nah, Melissa took them to get ice cream. She thought maybe we’d need some time to talk.” Giving him a quizzical side eye; he answered you before you could even give voice to your thoughts. “Dad text me, and said you and mom had it out.”
“Did he say anything else?”
“Nope, I was hoping you’d fill me in.” Getting out of the car, you followed him into the house. Strewn across the floor were dozen of toys, but instead of looking unkempt; it looked homey and inviting. Your mind conjured a time when your home with Tyler would look the same, only with three dogs milling around as well.
Sitting at the kitchen island, you sighed heavily. “Where do I start?”
“How about the beginning?”
“Well….Tyler and I are back together.” Matt, god bless him, didn’t say anything; just raised his eyes slightly. “I know. We’re working things out. Not gonna lie, I don’t trust him one hundred percent, yet. That’s going to take time, but I love him Matt. I’ve always loved him.”
When you didn’t say anything more, he added, “So mom’s pissed about that huh?”
“Wait…there’s more.” Eyebrows going up further this time, “I’m pregnant.”
“Oh…wow…ok.” He took a moment, regathering himself. “Congratulations little sis. You’re going to be a great mom.” The dam let loose, a flood of tears just coming out of your eyes; Matt came over grabbing you in a hug, as you sobbed. This is what you needed, that one person that believed in you; had faith that you were making the right decision.
Getting your emotions under control, you pulled back; looking up at your brother, you hiccupped out a “Thank you.” Why couldn’t your parents be like this; well correction really your mom. Your dad really didn’t get a chance to voice his opinion.
“Look sis, I’m gonna give it to you straight ok?” If there was one thing about your brother, it was that he never pulled any punches; but sometimes it was better to just take your medicine without sugar coating it. “Mom’s always been tougher on you. I have a few guesses as to why, but that’s for another conversation. Essentially, she only wants the best for you, for all of us really. I don’t think you know how hard it was for her to watch you go through the shit you went through with Tyler. Look at it from her point of view once; you’re going to be a mom now. What if your baby is a little girl and her boyfriend cheated on her; now take it one step further and watch her go through it in a public scandal. How would you feel?” He paused letting his words sink into your brain. “I know how I’d feel if it was Rylynn. It would be really hard to hear that she’s getting back together with him; and having his baby. You need to give her time; she’ll come around.”
Why did your brother always have to make so much sense; he seemed to have a way of putting things so that you could see it from your mother’s side. You’d only known you were pregnant for four weeks now, and you already loved your child so much, that you would do anything for him or her; now multiply that love by twenty some years. Going through your own heart ache is one thing; watching someone you love go through it, and not be able to help, that pain would be gut wrenching. “I see your point. Maybe I’m being a tad unreasonable. It’s just…”
Cutting you off, before you could say anything more; “I know you love him, and you’re right; mom can be irrational about these things. Ultimately, it’s your life (Y/N), and she has to let you live it; and she will. But like all of us, she’s going to be leery of him for a while. I’m telling you right now, if he does something stupid again; I’ll beat the fucking shit out of him.”
Smiling at that, you knew your brother would defend you within an inch of his own life. Truth was he could whip Tyler’s ass with one had tied behind his back. Matt had been a state champion wrestler in high school, as well as running back for the football team; he’d maintained that physical robustness even years after graduating. While he’d never been one to go looking for a fight; he could hold his own with some of the best. “I’m banking on you not having to go that far, but thanks for the offer. Thanks for everything, you always know just what to say.”
“I’ve got your back sis, not matter what; even if it comes down between you and mom on this one. Which it won’t. Now please tell me how all this went down, to my knowledge you haven’t seen Tyler, for what three months?” When you nodded your head, he continued. “So, you’re what thirteen or fourteen weeks pregnant? Have you known that long and seriously not said something to your favorite brother?”
Spending the next thirty minutes, you filled Matt in on everything that went down. That was until four little feet came running through the door; both yelling for your attention, which you happily gave them. At ages three and five they were full of energy but also full of love. The three of you played with all the toys in the family room for the next hour; while Matt, you assumed, filled Melissa in on everything. Helping Melissa with their bath time ritual, you thought about bathing your own little one soon. The three of you then snuggled into the couch and watched the Stars play for a bit before bedtime. In no time the two of them were asleep; you always had that light tickle touch and would rub their little backs, putting them right to sleep. Matt carried them upstairs as you finished watching the game; the Stars falling to the Blues. Tyler had played well but you knew he’d beat himself up about the loss.
Matt came back downstairs then, “I put the kids in Reese’s room, so you can have Rylynn’s bed. I also took the liberty of texting dad and telling him you’ll be back over in the morning.” He really was the sweetest brother in the whole world.
“Thanks, but all my stuff is at their house.”
“It’s one night, you can just borrow something of mine to sleep in.” This from Melissa as she was picking up the stray toys on the floor; getting up you helped her. “So now that the kiddos are asleep, tell me how you’re feeling? Is the nausea gone? Because it seemed like mine lasted the whole pregnancy.”
“I’ve been pretty good lately. The PA we saw this week, wants me to gain more weight, which I’m trying.”
“Oh, don’t worry about that. It seemed like I ballooned out and wasn’t even trying. It’ll happen. Are you going to find out if you’re having a boy or a girl?”
“Well as you know we (Y/LN)’s like surprises in life. So nope, we aren’t finding out.”
“See I told you Melissa, you can’t ruin the only one true surprise of life.”
“Ugh…I really wanted to know, and this one right here wasn’t having any of it. I think I heard that no true surprise in life thing, until I was going to puke; which sometimes I did.” Laughing she went over to Matt. “But honestly it was the best moment, when the doctor’s like you have a little boy or girl, since we got both.” Matt and Melissa were amazing parents; you could only hope you and Tyler would be just as good. “Come up and I’ll give you some clothes to sleep in and stuff. I’m sure you’re exhausted from the day.”
“Yeah I kind of am, but I’m trying to stay awake to talk to Tyler for a bit.”
Walking into Matt and Melissa’s bedroom, she asked, “So how is that going? Are you happy?”
“I am and I think Tyler has really changed. I know he loves me and the baby. I think we can make this work. I just hope that eventually everyone will accept him again.” Even after your conversation with Matt, you still had doubts in the back of your head about your mom coming to grips with the whole situation.
“Everything will be fine, you’ll see. Especially after that little one is born. You know, you can call me with any questions about being pregnant or babies. I know I asked my sister a ton of questions when I was pregnant.”
You’re brother had the best wife ever; Melissa was sweet, kind and an excellent mom. “Thanks, I’m sure I’ll be taking you up on that.” Handing you some pajamas, you made your way to the bathroom to change; then said a quick good night to Matt and Melissa. Putting your phone on vibrate, you laid in bed waiting for Tyler to call. The walls were covered in a light shade of pink; Disney princesses scattered here and there. It was perfect for a little girl; and had you dreaming of what you wanted to do your baby’s room in.
The phone buzzed then, “Hey you, sorry about the game, thought you guys were going to pull it out there in the end.”
“Yeah, it wasn’t one of our best, that’s for sure.” Tyler’s voice carried a hint of disappointment; that seemed to melt away with his next comment. “How are my babies doing?”
“We’re good. Just fighting off sleep so I can talk to you.”
“So how’d it go today with telling your parents?”
“You don’t want to know. Let’s just say, I’m staying at Matt’s tonight.”
“That bad huh?”
Your mind drifted back to your argument with your mom; you debated on how much to tell Tyler. “Well there was no congratulations going around that was for sure. I didn’t think it would be easy, but I didn’t expect it this bad either. Though Matt has been a god send. I’m going to go over tomorrow, with a new perspective; and hopefully things will be better.”
“Look (Y/N), I know I’ve got a lot of repair work to do with your family; probably more than I do with you. But I’m going to show them, that they couldn’t ask for a better man for their daughter and sister, than me. They’ll come around in time I’m sure.”
“I know you’ll do everything you can Ty, but you’re right it will take a little time. But we’ve got that.” Hopefully you could mend some of the rift tomorrow; which would help shave off some of that time.
“Have you been eating?”
Ever your personal trainer in baby weight gain, Tyler would ask that question. “Of course I did. Plus the kids brought me ice cream.”
“How are those two munchkins?”
“They’re great. They were excited to see you play. Reese even wore his Stars pajamas to bed tonight. I know they’re excited to see you.” Their sweet innocence had protected them against all the negative criticism directed towards their Uncle Ty, as they referred to him; they still loved and missed him being around.
“Awww that’s sweet, I can’t wait to see them.” He yawned, which in turned made you do the same; both of you exhausted from the day. “You know I could talk to you all night, but I should probably let you get some sleep.”
“Yeah, I think we’re both pretty tired. Call me tomorrow when you land?”
“Of course babe. Get some rest and good luck tomorrow. I love you.”
“I love you too. Sleep well.”
With that you hung up the phone and drifted off into a dreamless sleep; not waking up until streams of light came streaking through the window. Rolling over checking your phone for the time, you found that it was just shy of eight. Willing yourself to have a positive attitude for the day; you got up. Voices floated upstairs; you knew the kids were up. It was one in particular that caught your attention; distinctly you recognized the laugh as your mom’s. Well there was no time like the present; so, you glided down the stairs making your presence known.
“Morning,” you greeted the group.
Two little forms came hurling at you, “Aunt (Y/N) you’re awake, yay!!” Embracing them in a big group hug, you kissed them both on the head; drawing strength from their exuberance.
Slowly you made your way over to your mom, who remained at the kitchen table as you drew near. “Alright kiddos, time to get ready for school.” Melissa ushered the kids upstairs quickly, giving you some privacy; Matt trailing after her, mouthing the words, good luck.
Deciding to break the ice first, you said, “Hi mom.” Awkwardly you sat down next to her. “Look I’m really….” She halted anything else you were going to say by putting her hand up.
“Please don’t say anything else. Look I thought a lot about our conversation yesterday, and I’m sorry. I didn’t handle myself or the situation very well.” Blinking, had your mother actually apologized; it had to be the first time that ever happened. “You’re a grown woman now, and I sometimes forget that; because you’re always going to be my baby girl. I just love you so much and only want the best for you and if that includes Tyler; then I am one hundred percent behind you.” There were tears welling in both of your eyes. “I just can’t believe my baby is going to have a baby. I’m so happy for you sweetie, I really am.”
With that she stood up and just enveloped you in her arms; both of you crying happy tears. “Thanks mom, I’m so sorry about yesterday too.”
“Shhh. I don’t want to hear anything about that; we’re just going to put it all behind us.” Holding you at her arm’s length, she continued; “Now, tell me everything. Well wait let’s go grab breakfast somewhere; I know your brother has to get off to work and such.” Gathering your stuff you headed out with your mom to fill her in.
The next twenty-four hours were like a whirlwind. During the day you and your mom gallivanted throughout town; stopping for pedicures and manicures and just doing mother daughter things. You spoke to Tyler for a spell as well; then the family headed out for dinner. On Saturday, your brother Sean and his wife, Jessica, headed up from Houston for a family get together. The day was full of joy and laughter, as you chased the kids around the lawn and reminisced with your family about all the memorable times you’d had; as well as the new ones that you were going to make.
Busying yourself in the kitchen, since your dad had requested one of your famous homemade cakes; you hunted around for an extra bag of flour. “Mom, I can’t seem to find the flour. Did you move it or something?”
“Damn, I think I forgot to buy that the last time I was at the store.”
“That’s why you always take a list dear.” This from your dad, as he stole a piece of fruit from the bowl you’d been cutting up.
Playfully you smacked your dad’s hand, scolding him; “You know I won’t have enough for the cake if you keep eating it. I’ll just run to the store and go get some.”
“I’ll come with you.” Your brother Sean piped in; not having a chance to really get a one on one conversation with you since he’d learned about everything. “But I’m driving, you’re a horrible driver, sis.”
“Oh really? I’m not the one with three speeding tickets, mister lead foot.”
Taking his hand he clamped it over your mouth, “Shhh, mom doesn’t know about those.”
Whispering low, “Seriously, you’re afraid to tell mom about that.”
“What can I say?” Giving him a sympathetic look; for you knew exactly where he was coming from. “Toss me your keys, your cars at the end of the driveway.” Getting in the car, the two of you headed to the store. “So, how are you doing, I mean with everything? It’s got to be a lot.”
“Yeah, it is; but I’m really happy. Tyler’s been pretty great about everything.” He glanced at you questioningly. “I know, it’s kind of hard to believe; but he’s really trying. I didn’t say anything to anyone yet, but he bought us a new house. He told me yesterday that the seller’s accepted our bid.”
“Woah, that’s big; so obviously you’ve moved back in with him.”
“Not yet, but once the papers are finalized; I’ll move into the new house with him.” The excitement in Tyler’s voice yesterday, was contagious; and had you just as thrilled to move into your new home together. “I’m looking at it as a fresh start for us.”
“That’s great sis. I’m happy for you.” The light was red, turning over to look at you, he become all serious. “I can’t believe you’re going to be a mom. You know you’re always going to be my pesky little sister though; who I’d do anything for. So if you ever need anything, anything at all I’m here. All you have to do is say the word.”
Pregnancy hormones really sucked; you seemed to be a weepy mess all the time. Looking over at your brother, eyes shining with tears; you loved your family so much that sometimes it just couldn’t be put into words. The light changed then and you proceeded through the intersection. That’s when you saw it; a car barreling towards you. “Sean look out!” It was the last thing you said; hands went instinctively around your mid-section to protect the baby from the impact. Please God let us all be ok; it was the last thing you thought, as your head smacked the passenger window and everything went completely black.
Side Note: Please don’t threaten to punch me in the face like one of my best friend’s did after reading this...hahah! Peace, love and hugs y’all!!!!
#tyler seguin#tyler seguin imagine#tyler seguin imagines#dallas stars#dallas stars imagine#dallas stars imagines#nhl imagines#nhl imagine#nhl fanfic#hockey imagines#hockey imagine#hockey fanfiction
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Lifeline | O. Diaz
Pairing : Oscar x Martinez!Reader
Timeframe : Pre-Season Two
Summary : When lives are on the line, relationships are placed in jeopardy.
masterlist
A/N: Season Two of On My Block was everything I never knew I needed.
However, I couldn’t resist writing about the time straight after Olivia’s quince. it should be noted that this is a little different from “911″ and is a lot more angsty.
Definitely gonna write some pics about Season 2 because I am so emotionally invested right now.
I hated the hospital.
From my experience, nothing good ever came out of it. At least not the one in Freeridge. I used to do everything I could to avoid going there, even if I was the one who needed help. That’s how much I deposed simply being inside of one.
However, when the paramedics arrived at my house and carried my baby brother away, I didn’t think twice about grabbing my dad’s keys and following the ambulance all the way to the hospital, where I stayed inside and waited. And waited.
And waited for my brother to wake up.
“He’s in surgery, mija,” my dad explained to me, after him and my mom spoke to the doctor overlooking Ruby’s situation. “... They don’t know how long it’ll be, so if you want, you can go home and we’ll call you as soon as-”
“I’ll wait here,” I insisted.
“Okay,” he replied softly.
There was a brief moment of silence. Not the peaceful sort, but rather the eerie kind. Then the elevator bell rang, and the doors opened.
And then he walked out.
“Y/n... Mr and Mrs Martinez...”
My father pursed his lips, before turning around and walking off in the opposite direction. My mother, on the other hand, headed right towards the teenage boy.
“The nerve you have, Cesar,” she muttered as she got closer. “The nerve you have to show your face to me... After what just happened to my son.”
“Mamí,” I cried, linking my arm around hers in an attempt to pull her back from getting any closer to Cesar. She had a right to be angry. I was angry too. But I knew Ruby wouldn't have wanted us to react like this.
“Mrs Martinez, I’m so sorry...”
“Sorry?!” My mother stopped and began sinking in my arms. “My son’s life might be over because of your shit, and all you can say is your sorry?!”
My father ran back and took pulled my mother into his arms. As she her muffled wails echoed throughout the corridor of the hospital ward, I pulled Cesar back into the elevator he came in from.
“Y/n...” he cried, stepping towards me, only for me to take another one away from him.
It was natural for Cesar to assume I would comfort him. I has been dating his brother since before he even got to middle school, so I had essentially adopted the role of his older sister. However this situation was vastly different.
Because I was Ruby’s actual sister. And it was his life on the line.
“Don’t... Just don’t, Cesar,” I said, my voice trembling.
How do I deal with the fact that my little brother might die? How do I deal with the fact that my boyfriend and his little brother played a significant role in all of it happening? These are not questions anyone should have to answer.
But I had to.
“You shouldn’t have come here in the first place, so...” It hurt me so much to push Cesar away, but the thought of losing Ruby hurt more, and the fact that Cesar played a role in it clouded my judgement far more than I wanted. “- So when we get to the first floor, you’re gonna get out and you’re gonna go home and you’re not gonna come back... not for a little while at least, okay?”
He nodded and stared at his feet.
Then, when the elevator doors opened, he walked right out, just as I told him to. And he didn’t come back the next day. Or the day after that.
*********
“Ma...” I whimpered, gently placing my hands on the shoulders of my mother, who had been sat by Ruby’s bedside staring at him as though in a catatonic state. “Mamí, please... I think you should go home... just for a little bit.”
“No,” she replied, shaking her head profusely, tears welling up again in her eyes. “I’m not leaving him, mija... I’m not gonna let anything happen to him again.”
“Ma...” I repeated, bobbing down and looking up at her. This time, I am the one with tears welling up in my eyes. “Please. I’ll stay with Ruby. Just go home and rest... Please, mamí... for me?”
It wasn’t until my voice cracked on the last word I spoke that my mom finally turned to face me. She didn't to say anything. She just lifted her hand to my cheek and cupped my face softly before nodding.
“Call me if anything changes, Y/n... Anything.”
“I will,” I answered, nodding.
Once she left, I sat on the seat she had spent nearly three days in a row sitting on. After the door closed behind her, the reality of the entire situation began to sink into me.
This was really happening.
My baby brother, the same dude I called an idiot four days ago, was fighting for his life. And there was a likely chance that he might not win.
“Knock knock.”
I jumped and my head shot straight up to where the door was, and standing there, with a small stuffed teddy bear was my boyfriend: Spooky.
He walks in and places the stuffed animal beside the pile of gifts left by Ruby’s other visitors. I sit up straight, rest my elbows on the edge of RUby’s head and place my head in my hands. Spooky pulls a chair up next to me and takes a seat.
“Baby,” he whispered, placing one hand on the back of my chair and the other on my forearm. I din’t need to turn my head to know he was facing me, eyes staring intently at me. “You haven’t spoken to me since any of this happened. Haven’t texted back. Haven’t answered your phone-”
“- And you thought just showing up here was the right way to respond?” I fired back, putting hands down so I could look at him. Normally he would fire something back. Do something to retaliate against my hostility, but instead, his expression fell and, with that, he sighed softly before talking.
“I just wanted to make sure you were okay,” he explained softly.
“Of course I’m not, Spooky,” I cried. “Olivia’s probably not gonna make. Ruby’s in critical condition. My mom is beside herself, and I feel so useless... and powerless... because my baby brother has to fight to survive, and there’s nothing I can do but wait and pray that he’s gonna wake up.”
“I know, baby,” he replies. I knew he was only trying to be empathetic, but everything he was saying and doing just rubbed in all the wrong directions.
“Do you?” I questioned him, my voice growing slightly louder with each syllable. “Do you actually, Spooky, because Cesar’s the one who got out of that situation without a scratch on his skin and Ruby’s the one with a bullet wound in his chest.”
“What are you saying, Y/n?”
“I’m saying it’s fucking bullshit,” I shouted. “None of this would have happened if Cesar hadn’t lied about not killing Latrelle, None of this would have happened if you had just done the job yourself instead of turning it into homesick teaching moment.”
“Hey, that is not fair,” he shouted back, standing up from his seat at the same moment I did. “C’mon you know it’s more complicated then that.”
“This is yours and Cesar’s fault,” I said, with tears streaming down my cheeks and a voice that no longer sustained stability. Oscar’s breath hitched, because I was not the type of person to be so blunt, or to be so overcome with emotions.
“... But Ruby’s the one who got hurt, and that is not fair. Why do you get your little brother, and I might have to lose mine? How in the world is that fair?”
I didn’t realise what I was saying until I said it, but that was how I truly felt. Ruby didn’t deserve to get caught in the crossfire of something he had no involvement in. But he did. And now he may pay the ultimate price for it.
“Baby...”
His voice went back to it’s initial state of softness. He took a step towards me, and reached his hand out to pull me in. Before he does do, I stop him.
“Go,” I muttered, shaking my head and taking a step back. “Just go, Oscar... I just... I need a break. I need to just focus on Ruby right now, and on my family.”
“Okay,” he nodded. Only he was no longer looking me in the eye. “I’ll call you later then? Maybe later this week?”
I shook my head.
“I think we should take a break too... For a while.”
He finally turned back to me, only this time his eyebrows were furrowed and half of his mouth twitched upwards. I had never seen him get this upset. Not in all my years of knowing him.
“What?” He didn’t want to believe I said what I said. But I did. “C’mon, baby... You don’t mean that. C’mon...”
My breath hitched, as I turned to my hands and then turned back up at him. It was clear what I needed to do. As much as it broke my heart, I knew it was the right thing. The only thing.
“Go home, Spooky.”
***********
Ruby had woken up a week ago.
He had to remain in hospital so the doctors could run a few more tests and keep him monitored at all times. Olivia, on the other hand, was still fighting for her life.
“I’ll go ask the nurse for more bandages,” my mother said, before placing Ruby’s right arm back down beside him. “Mija, stay with your brother.”
“Okay,” I answered, before sitting beside him after she left the room.
“So... You broke up with Spooky didn't you?”
I sighed. Everyone else in the house hadn’t brought him up. It was as though avoiding discussing anyone from the Diaz family or the Santos was an unspoken rule in our family. One that Ruby didn’t want to abide by.
“Yeah,” I exhaled heavily. I didn’t want to talk about it, but maybe I needed to.
“It wasn’t because of me was it?”
Ruby had the biggest heart I knew. The last thing I wanted was for him to have to think that he caused any issues for something he had no control over.
“We broke up... because of a lot of reasons,” I explained, before quickly realising that he could see right through me. Ruby turned to face down, but I quickly lifted his chin back up. “Hey, Ruby... You didn’t do anything to make me break up with him, okay? That was my call.”
He wasn't convinced.
“I’m sorry, mana,” he whispered. He only ever called me that when things were bad. I though that, when he woke up, things were finally gonna be good again.
“Ruby, listen to me,” I cried, placing both my hands on opposite sides of his face. When he finally locked eyes with mine, I smiled, even through my tears. “You got really hurt by happened. All you need to worry about is healing. You don’t need to carry anymore guilt, you’re just a kid.”
He was just a kid. Just like Cesar was just a kid. A kid I pushed away for something he had no control over.
“I love you, mana,” Ruby murmured, as he sunk back into his bed, a small smile appearing on his face: one I hadn’t seen in over a week.
“I love you too,” I replied, as I ran my hand through his hair, the same way I did when was the same size at the twins.
Just as I was about to smile back at Ruby, my mother came back. Only she had no bandages in her hands and tears streaming down her face. It was strange how a nice moment could turn sour so quickly.
“Ma,” I began, standing up from the seat, so that she could sit down. She looked like she needed to far more than I did.
“It’s Olivia,” she whispered, as she sat down beside Ruby, who was now sitting up straight. Before she continued she held his hand squeezed tightly, which we both knew was a indicative of bad news. “She.... She passed away... just a few minutes ago.”
***********
I didn’t know where I was going, or why my immediate response was to leave the hospital, but I couldn’t keep myself from moving. This is why I hated hospitals. This is why I dreaded entering them. It seemed as though every time I entered one, someone I cared about gets hurt.
I continued down the street that headed towards my block, which is where I finally realised where I was heading and why my feet reacted before any other part of my body.
He was standing at the hood of his car, and when he heard my footsteps approaching him, he turned around and pointed his gun towards my head: something that became a reflex to him since becoming a Santos.
I raise my hands in surrender position, but let out an audible sob involuntarily. He instantly puts his gun down.
“I’m sorry,” I began, my voice cracking on the very first and second syllable. “I shouldn't have blamed you or Cesar... I shouldn't have said what I said.”
Losing Olivia made me realise how precious time was. It made me realise how important it is to tell the people you love that you love them, because a nice moment can turn sour so so quickly.
“What happened?”
There is a small distance between us. Spooky stands and looks at me as though he is unsure whether or not he should close the gap.
“She didn’t make it,” I explained, a split second before sobbing uncontrollably. Without saying a word, he pulls me into his arms and lets me cry into his chest until I calm myself down.
“I’m so sorry, baby,” he says softly, caressing the back of my head gently.
We had our arguments and our falling outs. We had our disagreements and our own siblings to protect. However, at the end of the day, the thing I always knew I could count was that if the tides changed and everything that was good in my life turned to custard, he would be right there to keep me from falling down.
He was, in many ways, the lifeline I could always count on.
#on my block#on my block masterlist#on my block imagines#on my block fanfiction#scenarios#Oscar Diaz#oscar x reader#oscar diaz imagine#oscar diaz x reader#spooky x reader#spooky imagines#spooky imagine#imagine#imagines#masterlists#masterlist#fanfiction#fandom#fanfic#Fandoms#fanfictions#one shots#one shot
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