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ultradiqueer · 10 months

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A 'Brief' Comment on the Quadrants (and how humans interact with them)

so this is gonna be a mess sorta cause im not good with formatting. also SORRY it took so long for this to be made im miserably low on motivation rn. but yaknow

For anyone who (somehow) isnt aware, the trollian quadrants are 4 separate, unique relationships a troll can be in. Hence the name "quadrants" since, yaknow,,, theres 4 of them

Of these 4 quadrants there are: 2 conciliatory, 2 concupiscent and 2 red, 2 black. Red-rom is for quadrants that are more centred on feelings of pity (being the trollian ~equivalent~ for love), and black-rom quadrants, hate

♥♦♠♣

♥ Matespritship (represented by the heart <3) is the red, concupiscent (Flushed) quadrant. It is the most similar to human romance, so I won't really explain it cause, yaknow, humans/non-trolls can experience it (and other trolls know what its like anyways)

♦ Moiraillegiance (represented by the diamond <>) is the red, conciliatory (Pale) quadrant. It centred on emotional regulation, extreme care expressed by both parties, and is generally utilised most in (social) troll society to help mitigate the extreme violence trolls are prone to

♠ Kismesissitude (represented by the spade <3<) is the black, concupiscent (Pitch) quadrant. Being a black-romance quadrant, it is more centred on feelings of hate, and is generally a more ~intense~ relationship as a result (keep in mind that feelings of Hate and just general Dislike for another troll are very clearly different, at least in my experience.)

♣ Auspisticism (represented by the club o8<) is the black, conciliatory (Ashen) quadrant. This quadrant in particular is an outlier from the others, at it contains 3 trolls (which is generally unheard of in regards to the other quadrants, which only contain 2). This quadrant arises when a 3rd troll feels Ashen for two trolls in a Kismesissitude (typically, the kismesissitude that one would feel Ashen FOR is unbalanced, or excessively violent). The third troll (being the Auspice, or Auspistice) would then mediate between the two Pitch trolls to ensure they dont Fucking Kill Each Other

♥♦♠♣

My problem with human's interactions with the quadrants is that: They don't understand them, and don't make an effort to.

When you see a human post about Matespritship, they get it right, since its the quadrant most comparable to typical human romance. That's all fine and good, obviously

The real issue arises when they try to talk about any of the OTHER quadrants

For example, Moiraillegiance. A lot of humans look at moiraillegiance as the "besties" or "best friends" quadrant. IT IS NOT. It is a ROMANCE. It is in the QUADRANT ROMANCE SYSTEM for god's sake.

Ashen romance clearly just goes over humans' heads. Most seem to not consider it at all when it comes to art or fanfic or anything, since its just seen as an "add-on" to Kismesissitude, which is WHOLLY incorrect, and frankly, really fucking rude. The Club is a quadrant that is centred on another trolls' Spade quadrant, yes, but that doesn't make the quadrant inherently less. It is just as important, and valuable, and REAL as any other quadrant, and frankly, I'm quite fucking tired of seeing how little humans seem to care.

And Pitch romance. Oh. My. God. I hesitate to say this is the most misrepresented quadrant, due to how wide-spread the issue is with Moiraillegiance. But holy god. If I see. Another fucking person. Say that "pitch romance is inherently abusive". I'm going to lose my mind. First of all: Trolls are an alien race. The concepts of abuse, romance, love (pity/hate) and so on are COMPLETELY different for us. People don't ever seem to take this in to account when talking about how ""toxic"" kismesissitudes are. Secondly: Did you even fucking READ the quadrant explanations? Like at all. Did you just skip over the Pitch quadrant? Pitch romance's MAIN FEELING is HATE. Fucking obviously theres going to be insults, and fighting. That is the nature of the quadrant!!!! Can pitch romance be abusive? Absolutely it can. just like how ANY OTHER QUADRANT can. But it being Pitch doesn't ~make it toxic~. Pitch romances can be abusive if theres an imbalance in hate, or manipulation or violence that exceeds the boundaries of what can be considered Pitch. For example, a purpleblood using chucklevoodoos to psychically torment their jadeblooded kismesis, even though it's been established that that is too far and excessively cruel, that would be considered abusive! If a kismesis emotionally manipulates their pitchmate? Abusive! A lot of things that would make human romance abusive do apply to pitch romance. But Pitch romance being ~kinda violent~ and involving ~Hate~ doesn't make it abusive by default, considering That Is The Nature Of The Quadrant (not that humans CARE because they're not trolls)

Additionally, I am extremely fucking bothered when humans use quadrant terms to describe their relationships with other humans/nontrolls. Because humans CANNOT EXPERIENCE THE QUADRANTS. They just Can't. It is not a thing they are Capable of experiencing. A human cannot be Pale for another human. Two humans cannot be Pitch for each other. And while human romance does fall close to Flushed romance, it is not the same, so the issue applies there as well. Humans cannot, and never will, experience the true emotional and romantic scope of the quadrants. A human cannot have a moirail (and someone calling their QPR their moirail does not work, because moiraillegiance is a romance). A human cannot have a kismesis (that'd just be a rival they have feelings for, which doesn't make it a kismesissitude). Ashen quadrants cannot exist between humans.

In the case of a human-troll romance, it's up to the troll to decide if they want to use quadrant terms (NOT the human. For reasons I hope are obvious considering the above ~rant~). If they decide to use quadrant terms, sure. Who am I to say anything about it. But it is woefully inappropriate (and I'd go so far as to say it bastardises the terms entirely) for humans to use quadrant terms for their relationships with other humans

As always, I'm totally down for asks or questions. Sorry it took so long for me to post about the quadrants lol

#trollian culture #trollposting #ask if you want me to add a read-more also #“comment” more like rant bucko #long post

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im-tempted · 6 months

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I hate idk... sympathy baiting if that makes sense which is why I tend not to bring it up (at least in any serious way) because people tend to both... really blow it up and somehow minimize it all at once and I also hate 'oh wo is me I'm so special and unique'

But

Is other people would stop trying to tell me how scary my life sounds ever time I try and bring up the first decade of my fucking life (and now I didn't magically become NOT disabled turns out you can't exactly CURE organ failure you just start not dying AS fast) like I GET it I know I wouldn't wish my life on anyone it's not fun but oh my god don't treat me like I have any fucking wisdom on how to live through your life ending

Because I don't and even any advice I DO have you don't want everyone just wants PLATATUDES and NICE FLOWERY WORDS because that's comforting and nice and easy and everyone can leave that conversation feeling like everything was wrapped up and fine and everyone's ok now

But I don't want my disability and frankly not very fun childhood to be mentioned only so i can become some fucked up human insperational quotes generator when people ask how you deal with the fear of death you say the normal things 'oh love is important and care about the people around you while you have them and pick up a book or some shit bla bla bla' NONSENSE

Do you know what NO ONE BEEN HAPPY TO HEAR ABOUT

The fact I keep considering converting to catholicism (<- I also can't understand this) WHAT my life rn is based on %90 guilt %5 spite and the rest just bone deep exhaustion

And when someone asks 'how did you deal with dying as a child' they don't get very happy when you respond by saying being wildly guilty for your existence and being to tired to give a fuck anymore

Because that I've heard is wildly UNCOMFORTABLE for everyone around you

#this became a rant and i dont even care its like 4am I'm so #idk I'm not even tired that would be a lie I'm just kinda upset and... not bored kind of nothing #I'm kind of nothing #i should probably sleep #i should probably take my meds #i should probably stop drinking this water #i should probably stop doing a lot #anyways sorry for the other hemisphere and the fact you only get my crazed sad ramblings I promise i try to be cool #but only between the hours of like 10-10 everything else?#all bets are off my guys #adam fucking around #tw medical

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mawofthemagnetar · 2 years

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Song Recs Related To Eldritch Horror Keralis I Guess

And now, an incoherent post about the Music Of Eldritch Horror Keralis. Or the kind of shit I listen to while writing. Just in general.

If you have issues with foul language, Occasionally very graphic lyrics, creepy ambience, and especially heavy electronic tracks, this is your cue to bail. Take care of yourselves!

Also, this is just, like, my opinion? I don’t know, man. I just write this shit. Your interpretation of my work is just as valid as mine. Death of the author, bay-beeeeeeee!

Now with that out of the way, let’s all commence laughing at my trash taste.

Let’s start with the big one. The man himself. Eldritch Keralis actually has a...theme song? A character song? I don’t know how else to explain it.

Presenting: Heart On by Celldweller.

Why do I associate this song with Eldritch K? Because it’s insane, frankly, and it’s loud and aggressive and the male singer is very emphatically going on about how much he loves the song’s intended recipient while making bold claims about all the impossible things he’ll do for the person he loves.

And it all borders on the seriously creepy.

So yeah basically it’s Eldritch Keralis’s entire...thing, wrapped up in one nice neat bow of thudding techno.

Next up: The main theme of The Sunseekers,

Presenting: W32.Mydoom.AU@mm by Aphex Twin.

You may notice this song has no lyrics and is titled after a computer virus. You may also notice the feeling it evokes in you of SHUDDERING DREAD. This is a song about spreading infection. Or something. Fuck it’s creepy. God I love it.

This is The Sunseekers in a nutshell to me.

And of course it would be remiss of me not to mention this fabulous little number with some Glorious Vibes.

Presenting: Human by Anavae.

I heard this shit, I was instantly hooked from the first line. This is...so perfect? The lyrics. The ambience. The everything. A monster that wants to be human in the most disgusting of ways. I love it. This song is everything. I think.

Finally, here’s some miscellaneous songs that have Quality Eldritch Horror Keralis Vibes and/or were songs I listened to a lot while writing it.

Utopia Main Theme by Cristobal Tapia De Veer.

Creepy as shit. Give it a listen. What a hook!

The Other Side by Pendulum.

God I love Pendulum. I have written probably 50k words over the years to the songs in In Silico alone. But this one’s special because it’s weird. Listen to those lyrics. Peak Vibes, I’m telling ya! This is also a good...EHK kinda song.

One more because I’m tired and I didn’t exactly keep a careful list of this shit while I was writing:

Down To Earth by Celldweller.

Not gonna say a lot about this one...except it makes me Think Thoughts about TFC’s backstory. Consider this a teaser. Now am I talking about the lyrics, or the vibes in general? You’ll have to wait and see...

I hope you, uh, enjoyed? Sorry about my weird musical taste. I like it loud, okay?

And also, I know nothing about music or genre or lines or whatever. I just like it when computer wizards make the bassy bleepy bloopy, okay?

If you want any more songs from the extensive list, let me know and give me a day or two to remember what they were.

Also let me know if you need anything tagged, I’m- seriously tired rn-

#Eldritch Horror Keralis #Snake Rambles #Song recs #Character songs

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chenoehi · 5 years

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My thoughts on Grammys, BTS, and the Academy's supposed 'diversity'.

Can't do 'Keep Reading' on mobile guys so if you don't care about it keep on scrolling.

The only BTS music I thought might have a slim chance for a nomination was "Boy With Luv (ft. Halsey)" as a pop duo collaboration. That was it. Anything more than that was just wishful thinking.

The Academy (both Grammy and Oscar's) talk about diversity when controversy comes up, they give some Black artists and actors awards, they look like try-hards, and then the next year they repeat history. Each year more men continue to be nominated than women, even in years that women dominated the industry. Each year artists who push boundaries continue to be overlooked or less favored than more traditional artists. Each year recognition continues to be bulk awarded to the most basic artists with the most basic styles with the most basic music, often times the same (mostly white) artists each year. No one get me started on always having to award artists like Taylor Swift or Ed Sheeran or Adele each year they make music, despite whether or not what they put out is actually good, original, or better than what they did the year before. I'm not singling them out, but I think they illustrate my point. I will make one exception for Adele because she is a phenomenal singer, although I did not personally believe 25 deserved to sweep; I've been told by fans that Ed Sheeran is a good performer, so I'll give him that but I'll keep my thoughts of his music and the rest of my opinions to myself. But I get tired of artists like these getting nominated every time or almost every time they put music out and then getting awards every time they're nominated, hence sweeping. It gets tiring when the music that frequently-awarded artists put out sucks and they keep raking noms because of who they are.

There is absolutely nothing BTS or any other Asian et al. artists can do to beat that system. None of the criticism in the world has changed it thus far and I don't know that anything ever will. It's a hard institution to tear down. They will use "diverse" artists for ratings by inviting them and having them hand out awards and, in BTS's case, making such a big deal as to even display their Grammy outfits in the museum, and then they will refuse to nominate them.

It's a back handed compliment to non-Western artists. The Academy is saying they're good enough to help win over a predominantly younger and more diverse generation of viewers but they're not good enough to be awarded for their achievements.

What's worse is, the only expectation I had was for the Academy to invite them as performers despite whatever minuscule nomination they might have garnered, because it's been clearly hinted they would attend another Grammys and the Academy would frankly be fools to not have them perform after the shitstorm going on the pop industry rn. If you know anything about the Taylor Swift situation (you may not be able to tell which one because there are always so many) who knows if she will be performing this Grammys, and her medley of her songs was supposedly going to be a highlight; something's always stirring things up so who knows if certain artists don't end up going at all or bow out of performing. Ariana Grande bailed on the 2019 Grammys because the Grammy producer wouldn't let her perform songs she wanted to, and these kinds of disputes happen and artists who are nominated become no-shows. So, the opportunity to invite a group with a huge following, who have already proved to increase ratings, seems like a sure move right?

But BTS can't exactly perform at the Grammys if they're not nominated for a Grammy; I don't see them doing a tribute any time soon either. And if the Academy even dares to invite them at this point for a performance it will be an insult and a transparent ratings grab. BTS may still go to avoid appearing as if their pride has been wounded or just because they want to go regardless. They know better than their fans how it feels to lose, to be discarded, to be overlooked. This is happening to them first and foremost, not us. And if they decide that they will deal with this the same way they dealt with all their other struggles, to push on, perform for their fans, and use the opportunity of exposure for what it's worth, then support them and their decision. I, for one, won't be watching it live regardless of whether they are there. If all the Academy wants is ratings from BTS fans when they are fine with treating them like garbage, they won't get ratings from me.

I fully believe that the Academy is not only discriminatory to non-Western, non-white artists but that failing to nominate BTS for any award at all is out of fear. Fear that their traditional, safe artists will be offended and boycott the awards if they lose out on a nomination, fear that their fanbases will retaliate, but more importantly, fear that BTS or any other gigantic force of a non-Western artist may be a shoe-in for whatever award they are nominated for and potentially sweep if allowed to compete with all other artists. This comes after BTS won Best Group at the Billboard Music Awards this year. Their first time being nominated for a major U.S. award category. It wasn't even a Best New Artist schtick. It was a main category and they were up against established, popular, Western groups like Imagine Dragons and Maroon 5. It comes on the heels of Super M earning number 1 debut album and beginning a successful tour they are on right now. It comes after Blackpink performed at Coachella and toured the country. It comes after NCT 127 and ATEEZ toured the country. Even TXT, a months old group, had successful showcases in major U.S. cities.

The Academy is too racist and xenophobic to acknowledge Asian artists--they always have been and they always will be. The most diversity we'll see is the nomination of Black artists, but still only 2 were nominated for SotY whereas 4 were nominated for RotY. I don't know the exact numbers, but any time I've ever kept up with the awards I don't see very many other diversity groups being represented in nominations either, such as artists with disabilities or LGBT artists who have different gender expressions and identities or sexual orientations that impact their music, performance, and artistry. Halsey's intimate performance at the BBMAs with that female dancer was huge because that's just not something that's really done. Still. And any time it does happen it's a Britney and Madonna moment all over again, it's a fetish to everyone. Progress has been made but it's very minuscule in comparison to the 'diversity' touting approach they've taken.

I'll just leave the words of this morning's Rolling Stone article here:

So, the Academy selectively extends its diversity goodwill just as they always have. No shade to the artist, but just using this example of Lil Nas X versus BTS, you have a young Black, gay artist who started his career in late 2018. He's nominated for some of top Grammys with a minimal discography--an 18-minute EP. This is groundbreaking, it's great. BTS, a 6-year-old established group of young Korean artists who break nearly every record there is and dominated Western charts this spring, and they continue to chart Billboard and Western streaming platforms. They earn no nominations.

The two artists ironically happen to have a collaboration in the form of Old Seoul Road.

Congrats to Lizzo and Lil Nas X (that's not shade at Billie btw) but this tweet from the New York Times is so unbelievably misguided because the Academy's conception of diversity is like seasoning with mostly salt, a little pepper and no cayenne (hate to use that analogy but am I wrong?):

I do appreciate that some artists who don't get nominated a lot got nominations, but looking at the list of top awards I just can't imagine how some of those got through. And I listen to a lot of different music and some BTS stans may have know idea who the fuck Bon Iver is and I'm not saying they don't deserve nominations period, but when you look at the list it's just mind boggling how a song like BWL that was listened to and appreciated like a summer anthem would be could not be included in that mess. (Vampire Weekend for Album of the Year, what, who the fuck, is that, they've been around since 2006, that's when I listened to nothing but metal and rock and I don't, know who the fuck this obscure band is? I may have heard of them once eons ago but they apparently made no impression? I'm sorry). I won't go as far as to say BWL was a Western summer anthem because much of the gp still doesn't know them, this is true. But apparently that's never stopped the Academy before. Bonus, anyone remember Bon Iver winning Best New Artist over Katy Perry all those years ago? No, just me? Good times. (Respect to Bon Iver, I'm just making a point that a lesser known artist won that award over a popular artist and the public went "waH?" Bon Iver being nominated for Record and Album of the Year this time honestly has the same effect as before because what is Hey, Ma even. I listen to Indie music so. What it is.)

Anyway. That's my thoughts. Expect nothing and you won't be disappointed is a myth. You will always have room to be disappointed in humanity.

Edit: while I'm at it, a big, massive fuck you to the Academy for never nominating Halsey for Without You.

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localrobosexual · 5 years

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hewwo my fwiends it's currently real Loving Seaside Hours™ again as spurred by talking to a blessed pal of mine earlier today about our comfort characters, so as I'm tryina ride out this thunderstorm going on outside so I can actually go to sleep I'm just gonna take a moment and gush about this robot and how and why he means so much to me, that alright w y'all lmao

putting a breaker on this bc I already know it's gonna get long and ramble-y lmao. Not gonna mind if u skip this over and don't bother reading it, I just wanna kinda shout into the void about my ocs a bit, don't mind me!

HEY SO YEE I JUST RLLY RLLY LOVE MY BIG DUMB ROBOT SO SO MUCH AAAAAA HE MEANS THE WORLD TO ME AND I COULD NEVER SELL OR TRADE HIM EVER AND I JUST WISH I HAD MORE DISPOSABLE INCOME TO USE TO JUST BUY MORE COMMISSIONS OF HIM BECAUSE GOD EVERY TIME I DRAW HIM AND EVERY TIME SOMEONE ELSE DOES TOO MY HEART JUST FUCKIN SWELLS W LOVE AND HAPPINESS!!!!! THIS ONE LITTLE TRANSFORMERS OC DOES THAT MUCH!!!!!!!! AND ITS GREAT!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAA

ok but. For real now, besides my initial screams that I had to get out hksjdks. Y'all wanna hear some insight into what all went into making him and why he means so much to me and all. Strap in bc it's gonna get Real

let's start with something pretty well known. Maybe not coming from me but a well known fact regardless lmao. Truth be told I wrote out from the paragraph below this one to the bottom without writing an introduction first and I'm too tired to try to come up with anything good now so uh. Hopefully this isn't too jarring hkshdksk my bad y'all my bad.

Anyways. Mental health! Fucked mental health! that's so much fun right!!

Haha yeah. Nah. We all know this. Being depressed is rlly wack y'all. It fuckin messes up ur head big time. I still don't know if I have downright depression, because I still haven't been properly diagnosed, and I never rlly associated my symptoms and the way I was feeling with depression bc it didn't line up with the stereotypical symptoms of depression, so I was (and still am) just calling it my "existential crisis". That was rlly the only word I could use to describe it. And it was dark and it was lonely and crushing and so, so awful. Despite the fact that I had an extremely loving and supportive friend group, I was always, ALWAYS afraid of speaking up about it. Despite them and all, I still felt super SUPER alone in the way I was feeling about life, my future, and my general purpose. This was all just reinforced by my parents and other adults in my life who I tried to come to in the past who would brush me off by saying I was overreacting, or that I'll "figure it out, because everybody does", or just generally not really understanding or showing any empathy at all. It took my entire life up until SENIOR YEAR ENGLISH CLASS when I went to my teacher about how I was feeling about a certain project that was triggering my symptoms, and that was the first time in my life when any adult had actually shown any sort of understanding or sympathy towards me and my feelings. That was the first time in my life where my mental struggles were validated by someone I respected and held to high regard.

But I still felt so very very alone, with no one to really talk to or who I knew was going through the same thing as me. So I ended up just,, , making someone who did.

Fun fact, before I really went ham on his development, Seaside was just gonna be a one-off oc with a happy go-lucky attitude and not much else about him. It was only until I heard the song What We Will Never Know (which later ended up becoming one of his theme songs bc of this) for the first time that I decided "WAIT,,. ,, BUT,, , WHAT IF,,. , ,,, , I MADE HIM SAD TOO" pretty much hkHKDJDJSK and that's what kick started his development!!

here I was, this sad, depressed, deeply lonely bitch with a love for making characters who played on extensions of myself, finally able to make something to cope with how awful I was feeling all the time. And that's what Seaside kinda was to me at first, he was my coping mechanism for working through hard bouts of my existenial crisis. I crafted his backstory to fit EXACTLY what I was going through at the time. He was content but never truly happy with how his life had been for as long as he could remember, then something exciting and new happens and he's suddenly thrust into a brand new world with so many new possibilities, but as he starts to settle in he realizes just how lost and alone he truly is in this new environment and he doesn't know where to go or what to do with himself. This is literally, EXACTLY a point-to-point retelling of my experience going through high school, graduating, and trying to figure out what to do with my life all with my mental health rapidly deteriorating around me. And having someone like that in my life, even fictional, even one I literally made up myself, made me feel better. I'd daydream scenarios of of us going on little adventures at the beach at night where no one else would see him in robot mode (gotta keep up the disguise aspect and all), but mostly it was just us hanging out, usually cuddled up to each other bc it gets cold on the beach at night, looking up at the stars, chillin and talking and just taking comfort in each other's presences and knowing that we weren't alone in our struggles. And I KNOW that sounds super stupid and cringey and dumb but like, that's genuinely what made, and still does, make me happy and it's what I used to help me hold on just a little longer to get through some of the really rough periods of my existenial crisis. When it got super bad, when I still even couldn't tell my closest friends about how low I was feeling, I still at least had Seaside with me to help me cope.

it wasn't until it got to the point where I was pretty much (lovingly) forced to wake up to the reality that I was rapidly becoming genuinely suicidal that things finally started to change, even just a little bit. I only very recently finally started to get my mind right, I finally told my parents the whole truth about how I was feeling, I got put on some meds that are honestly doing WONDERS for me rn, and I'm definitely in a much better place mentally then I was just a few months ago. I certainly still have a long way to go, but for now I'm just trying to enjoy the ride and just soak up and relish in the fact that I'm, for the first time in years, genuinely going about my days just happy to be out here living life without constantly being weighed down by the soul crushingly empty sorrow that hung over me 24/7. (and to said close group of friends, if you're indeed reading this, this may be the first time you're hearing about what I've been going through all the time, and if that's the case, I'm gonna have to kindly ask that you not come to me about it. I'll know when I'm ready to talk about this openly, but now I don't think I am. I'm really sorry to have kept it from y'all for so long, it really was just eating me up inside, but I think I explained myself well enough)

so now that I'm doing much better mentally, Seaside's outlook has kinda changed, but at the same time, not really?? he's still my comfort character for sure, always will be, but now he's not so much a coping mechanism as he is just a solid source of happiness and peace to turn to every now and again. This one little transformers oc just genuinely makes me really really happy, and I love to just soak it all in and feel every little thing!! We still share the not knowing what we're doing with our lives aspect of ourselves, but now it's a little less completely lost and anguished and hopeless and a little more hopeful and reassuring. Things are gonna be ok. We'll figure this out at our own pace. And we'll still have each other to turn to at every step of the way.

there's a lot of different kinds of comfort energies that many different kinds of comfort characters give off, and different ones resonate more with different people. The most common one I'll see at least is a kind of is parental comfort, someone you can come to for guidance in life because they have the experience to advise you on what to do and can be almost a better pseudo-parental figure. Mom friend types, loving dad energy, that kind of thing. Someone to protect you and give you big strong hugs and stuff. Seaside gives off a similar yet very different kind of comfort energy to me. It's not parental in any way because he's far too young (relatively, even in Cybertronian standards. He'd be like, mid to late 20s in human years) and inexperienced, and, frankly, still a little too naive and unknowing about a lot of things to really be someone to turn to for guidance or just generally be a pseudo-parental figure, but instead, he's just a good friend. He's a perfect kind of friend that'd stand by your side and will always be there for you through the ups and downs of life, someone who knows how to cheer you up when you're sad, someone you can share a solidarity in where you know you're experiencing the exact same struggles. He's just a good shoulder to lean on and a constant reminder that I'm never alone. And I couldn't ask for anything better tbh

so yeah. There's my ramble I guess lmao. To sum it up rlly I just love this big dumb robot w all my heart and soul and I'm so so glad I made him 💕💕💕

#words of meg #meg's ocs #seaside #ramble #tw: suicidal thoughts #existenial crisis #i debated writing this at all but i really need to just go and make myself Actually Do the things i Want To Do w my ocs so #yee #even if i get little to no feedback thats ok #i still made something #so this is kinda my attempt at trying to start that lmAO #rlly poured my heart out here huh #oof lmao

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tanoraqui · 6 years

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6:43am and I'm done. Very tired, not sure I can sleep for thoughts. It's...unexpectedly terrifying, to have Wit say Rayse's name - well, think it - in the main text rather than an author-ambiguous epitaph. Definitively connecting the epic of Roshar with the greater plot (mysteries and dangers) of the Cosmere. It's more real, now. The stakes are raised with that one name.

I hope Shallan gets to teach him some lightweaving. That would be fun. I don't think anyone else has hugged him in millennia. I certainly don't think anyone else has cried on his chest, certainly not while having an inkling who and what he is. What a fascinating little relationship, the young liar and the very old.

I wonder if Jezrien is really dead, or just his soul somehow imprisoned. I'm weirdly emotional about the fact that the thing used to trap the Thrill, the thing it loved, was Dalinar himself. Is it weird that I think of the personification - no, the...materialization of battle-lust, which clearly is AWFUL, has led to the death of millions and, frankly, negative shaped an entire culture or three...as, like, a very large, overly rambunctious dog? It just. It was forlorn when he wasn't there. When he was off doing healthy things like spending time with his family. I know this is probably contrary to its very nature but please for the love of everything, let Dalinar tame the Thrill like a very large dog. A VERY large dog. Who can come to like Dalinar better than Odium because Odium is a DICK.

What happened to Aimia? Must reread that Interlude, and cross-reference with Edgedancer bug guy, that one spren collector. Or just check the Coppermind wiki tbh. Shit, crap, someone in this book mentioned him, knowing about him, right? Who? Probably Mraize? But potentially Diagram - KEY difference. How the FUCK do Ghostbloods know so much btw. "Aether"(?) stain, + general too much, makes me think meta Cosmere connections.

Humans came from one of the moon's, which must really be a planet. All of them, perhaps - this knowledge exists in confirmed canon, I just don't have it rn. I think it's in the Arcanum though, so I have it somewhere. Desolation and Tranquiline Halls likely other "moons." Tfwere Dawnshards? Ah, always another secret...

I can't believe he didn't write out the whole wedding. Storming man. Still can't write a good kiss either.

#my fave horse girl books #spoilers #this is so rambly you guys #proper post(s) tomorrow maybe #wont get other books back til tuesday night though #...im def gonna go feed the cat before sleeping all day #byeeee

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another-anxious-elphie · 6 years

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Elphie’s Emotion Hour

My Facebook isn’t the proper place for this rant but I need to let all this out (and hey isn’t that why I got back on Tumblr anyway?)

I’m not gonna reread or edit this so sorry.

Also I’m sorry for clogging the tags with this post. I tagged it for my personal records so if you’re in the fandom I’m sorry just keep scrolling...

Long Personal Rant Ahead ft. Penny Dreadful

Before we start, I want to note that a lot of this sounds crazy. I speak of fandoms as if they were totally real. The reason I do this is because they represent things that are very real in my life that I have no other way to put a name/face to. I promise y’all that I’m sane. I know what is reality and what is not, but talking about these things by using fiction-ary worlds/terms is incredibly helpful.

Also ~~** I have not yet seen season 3 - spoil nothing **~~

And on to the point:

When I started watching the show it was scary to me. Not because it’s essentially a horror show, but I felt very dirty/nasty/vile for watching it. I don’t like to talk about my religion much, especially on places like Tumblr, because I know it will make some people distrust me, but when I started Penny Dreadful, it felt awful because the darkness of the show in relation specifically to religion and God/Satan. But I’m in the Miss Peregrine’s [etc etc] fandom at the moment and I point-blank watched because of Eva. After being completely unsure about Vanessa - if I was even “allowed” (I use this term VERY loosely - I do not feel chained by my religion in any way) to like her - after watching season 2 I can now say with every confidence I love her.

As a proud Hufflepuff, I usually hate when my Ravenclaw side shows. While I know I am a Hufflepuff because I “choose” to be like Harry chose Gryffindor, I could and often do end up coming out as a Ravenclaw on paper. I know my heart and my soul belong in Hufflepuff and that the sorting hat takes this into account in a way no quiz/test/even human can do. Why talk about this? Because I have never had a Ravenclaw role model like Vanessa. i have never particularly gotten along with Ravenclaws in general. She is the first time I have known a Ravenclaw and not found them to be either unfeeling or full of themselves. It might not seem like a huge deal considering I identify as Hufflepuff, but having a Ravenclaw to look up to like Vanessa is one of the most fucking comforting things I have experienced in a long time.

Vanessa’s faith has also just fucking ended me. Last time I felt such a deep connection with God was when I studied Buddhism in college. The more I think or talk about religion of any kind, the more I believe in my God and His plans and His power and His love. Vanessa has literally faced the devil and won in the name of her God. This woman is ruthlessly hunted and possessed by the devil, surrounds herself with dark, unholy things on a regular basis, and regularly claims she believes her relationship with God has long since broken. But He never left her. And she - though she denies it - still believes in Him. He gave her the will to fight. He created her to be so strong that she can withstand even the most brutal attacks. Her spirit is more often under fire than her physical body, and He built her like a fucking panic room.

She shows and feels kindness so deeply as well. She literally collected a gang of people willing to die to protect her just by existing and being honest with those around her. Which frankly is a thing I truly, truly hope I do. She never asks anything of them. Often she demands they do nothing. But the love they have built is also made to withstand anything and everything.

And, on the incredibly basic level, I can identify with Vanessa not knowing how to find her place and the suffering that takes place in the wandering. Absolutely not the same way as Vanessa - not even CLOSE - but on that, again, basic way that all writers hope to achieve. You always want your characters to be relatable and human, and honestly you totally got me with Vanessa. Her struggle to constantly run from Satan is an echo of my struggle with depression. She’s tired of running. She just wants peace and friendship and safety. She will never be able to stop running. She is so young and has SO many years a head of her to fight this battle all the way. I’ve been having a very rough time lately with that part of my depression/anxiety.What I have will never go away. The rest of my whole life will be this roller coaster of ups and downs. Even in times of great content I will always be right balancing right on the edge of the next breakdown. All the love in the world can’t keep it away. Life will always be consistent battles and the battles always suck. But fuck Vanessa owns that.

I know I am strong. I’ve gotta be if i’m still here. I’ve gotta be because I don’t bury the truth, I face it. I made the decision a long time ago that understanding all this shit is stronger than pretending it’s not there. It hurts more, knowing that I’m forever “sick” with something that shouldn’t even be a sickness (a sickness is something that physically kills you or rots you, not an emotion).

And I just really hope I can be as strong as Vanessa.

Vanessa means a lot to me.

And I don’t know if that’s because I’m going through a hard time rn or what, but I just love Vanessa Ives so fucking much.

#rant #personal #diary #religion #christianity #vanessa ives #penny dreadful #3am

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multimask · 5 years

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First Session of A New Campaign!

Oh man last night’s session was amazing and fun and we probably went a bit later than we should bc we were getting a bit loopy towards the end. Long post of ramblings talking about the first session under the cut

Our characters found ourselves starting in a tavern, the first time in a good long while that I as a player have started a game that way, The party consists of a neon harlequin/clown-esque shifter (tbh I picture the character like the Trickster!kids from Homestuck they were described as such a neon court jester eyesore), a wood elf empath (homebrew class that deals with all of the emotions), a gunslinger human (he’s so chill compared to that player’s previous character it’s kinda throwing us bc it’s so different lol), a kalashtar spiritualist who is royalty/nobility (? he looks like he’s got money and maybe some very pickable pockets), and my changeling rogue (who is for all intents and purposes a tabaxi to the party).

Before the session, most of us were chilling in the study room that we’d claimed that afternoon and were just generally hanging out and talking about stuff. All of the characters have their own secrets and backstory things that were still somewhat being worked out, which was amusing bc of keeping info hidden from other players. At one point, the DM was asking me questions about a significant event and NPC in my character’s backstory bc she was trying to suss out some details regarding that, but there were other players in the room and we were trying to somewhat speak in code to not give away too much but also make sure we understood each other. It was really funny and then not too long later it was just me and the DM in the room so we could speak frankly, and the DM gave me the reason for my character to be in the starting town and not the big city they were from.

Once we started, we all were able to get rolling and have fun. My character (Candle) doesn’t trust easily (they’re only with this group for the coin, they’re telling themself rn) and try to keep to themself, so it was amusing watching the rest of the party interact and get together and then one of the players was like ‘I don’t want to move on wo the last player character...’ bc Candle had been off in a corner not interacting with people. A bounty list had been put up on the tavern wall, and the other four in the party had quickly gathered around. Not one for people, Candle waited until they had all moved away enough that they could get a look at the lists.

Cue the court jester scaring the shit out of Candle. And me instantly and immediately finding a voice for Candle that hadn’t existed until I opened my mouth. Poor anxious and nervous cat. In the jester’s defense, all she did was great Candle, but Candle was busy reading the bounty list and not expecting anyone to talk to them, especially not so loudly and cheerfully.

There were some discussions and talks with the NPCs in the tavern and we were then directed to talk to the blacksmith to get some more information on the potential gnoll problem. Turns out there were gnoll attacks on the town 10 years ago and the blacksmith’s daughter was taken or killed? He wasn’t too sure, but also wasn’t too hopeful that she was alive. After we talked to him, we continued out into the rain and on to the farm where gnolls had reportedly burned crops. A couple characters were not happy bc it was dark and miserable out, but all went out.

We checked out the barn, not much there but a horse and some cows and chickens. Checked out the burnt field by the forest edge and ended up fighting some gnolls. We managed to make it out alive, but very wounded bc we’re squishy level 1′s. Headed back to town and collapsed in the tavern, where some nightly rituals were discussed (journalling everything that happened - not in Common, triple checking the locks and windows, etc.)

Next morning the drunk dude who first informed us about the gnoll problem was very hung over and we agreed to meet up at his place in a few hours after he sobered up. We went to his place in the mean time to check out the farm in the dry and sunny morning. Turns out the barn animals had been slaughtered after we left! Great. Made a wonderful trail of blood and guts and viscera to follow out into the woods to try and find the gnolls... We travelled for two hours and two hours back to give the drunk guy time to sober up.

We made it back and found the guy at his house. He was not happy about the state of his barn, and he looked absolutely awful. Like sick awful. Paladin lay-on-hands didn’t clear up whatever he had, and he ended up dying basically in his doorstep. We check out his house in case anything could give us a clue into what happened, but didn’t really find anything. Once we left his house, we spotted a gnoll peaking out of the bushes and then disappearing back into the forest. After some quick discussion, Candle goes after the gnoll, the gunslinger stays at the farmstead, and the other three go back to town.

The gunslinger goes up to the top of the barn and finds a window/opening to survey the forest and keep watch for Candle’s return. Candle is a sneaky grey cat in dark colors, and they sneaky-sneaked after the gnoll until it met up with some other gnolls - and a young human woman. The gnolls appeared to be reporting to her, and she was the right age to be the blacksmith’s daughter... Candle watched the odd group meet up and then continue back on deeper into the forest, waiting a good five/ten minutes after they left to then turn back to the farm. When Candle got close, the gunslinger came down from the barn loft and met them at the edge of the forest.

The other three members of the party returned to town to inform someone about what happened at the barn and what happened to the drunk dude, and I think a little more general info? The players were getting loopy and tired by that point, so I don’t remember much except dying of cuteness from adorable puppers on the internet

Fun session, and I’m not the only one taking notes, which is wonderful. There was one point when the party was discussing staking out the gnoll encampment in which we all stopped for a few minutes to discuss our inability as players to actually tactfully and strategically pull off a plan and reminisce over rescuing Glynwen’s brother (it started with a decent plan... and then the benny hill song started mentally playing about halfway through the execution). Will we be able to pull off a strategic and tactical plan that we make in advance, I wonder. New characters, new plots, so there’s a possibility down the road.

#isa babble #i plays dnd #long post #ramblings #i won't be too open about my character in these posts bc at least one of the other players does follow this blog #and i am going to attempt to keep secret things secret until they come up in-game #we'll see how that goes #the player i know follows this blog is aware that i'm playing a changeling and that i want to keep that hidden #so we're good there lol #let's see if i actually keep up with these unlike last campaign lmao #these are fun to type out #bc parsing everything that happened in the session #and also (at least for the weekends) i've got a mechanical keyboard #all the clickety clack to type lol #this is cathartic and i enjoy thinking about dnd characters and fantasy worlds #pretty much everyone i mentioned npc wise has a name #i don't remember if the daughter did or not #but i don't feel like dealing with names and if i've used a name or epithets for an npc #so they're strictly descriptions lol #candle's misadventures #session notes #nix's misadventures

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reds-revenge · 7 years

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im feeling evil so ALL THE LOCATION ASKS

>:( probably Josie anon, do you know how many times I gotta switch pages now? I’m kidding you’re cool mobile just sucks.

*deep breath* here we go

Amsterdam: yeah, I think so. I’ve always been the weird one, usually in a nice way but I’m still the weird one. I kinda sound like a robot when I’m tired, or trying to accomplish something, and I guess that’s not how all people think?? Anyway.

Athens: ahaha I’m not a perfectionist, I’m the PLATONIC IDEAL OF A PERFECTIONIST. Listen okay I will sink as much time as I need to get it perfect, that’s happening less with the depression bc I just can’t get it up to my standard, I’m trying to make this a Growing Opportunity and learn to set Attainable Goals, but it usually ends with me panicking instead. Ah well

Belgrade: my mother had a loooong list of names and my dad tried to mock them all, they only kept ones that you couldn’t really make weird nicknames for, one of my friends took that as a challenge and called me Kira the Mirra (like mirror) for a year, it was interesting

mom called my kiramodo dragon bc of some noise I made when I was a baby. I thought my name was baby for a while bc they called me Baby Kira my Deara. Then I decided I wasn’t a baby and dubbed myself Kira my Deara the Kid.

Berlin: well for that I’d have to KNOW what I what. I can usually do whatever, but I would really like is absolute certainty about things like do I exist, am I hurting people by existing, etc. and that’s just not something we get in this life. It’s :) so :) fun :) :) :)

Bratislava: it doesn’t have a firm genre, there’s a lot of oddly philosophical themes for something that’s mostly sci fi/ comedy, but there’s also bildungsroman elements bc life amiright, and what’s science besides a mystery?

The protagonist is Done™ with everyone including herself, there’s cephalopods.

Brussels: I’m not fluent in all the languages I borrow from but yeah I do this a lot, I’m a language nerd. I did it more often when I was younger and still liked learning Latin.

Bucharest: NOT ON PURPOSE OKAY, WE’D KNOWN EACH OTHER SINCE WE WERE FIVE SO ALMOST TEN YEARS AT THE TIME, I THOUGHT OF HIM AS MY BROTHER, WHY THE FUCK IS HE WRITING EMO STORIES ABOUT KISSING ME WE WERE S I B L I N G S.

I don’t think of him as family anymore but not bc of the ~*drama*~, I learned some Things and grew Wise. (Well, wisER)

Budapest: maybe, I was five, my love was unrequited. We ended up being friends bc in such a small class whatcha gonna do? We didn’t talk about that fiasco for ten years, turns out that whole declaring my love to the class thing was pretty awkward for him. Whoops.

Copenhagen: outside of old, distant relatives, no. I haven’t actually kissed someone romantically before at all, and I don’t have a desire to. I’m not saying I wouldn’t ever someday, I just haven’t sought that kinda thing out.

Dublin: between being a minor and being an obsessive rule follower, that hasn’t happened. I doubt I ever will, losing even the slightest bit of control over myself terrifies me

Helsinki: now this is interesting. I’m guessing this is referring to romantic love, but it doesn’t SAY that.

Look, I wanna be a scientist. Like really really wanna be a scientist, always have, always will. This sounds cliche but I feel like I was made for the sciences, I really do.

but I gotta go with love. Not romantic necessarily, just in general. And this isn’t a “well I’d better choose the Virtuous thing.” Like, I feel made for science, but science doesn’t mean anything if you’re not using it for something. Neither does art for that matter. Idk, but without love–for my family, my friends, for squids, for God–i just don’t see the point of this whole life thing. So yeah, I’m going with love

Kiev: YES AND FRANKLY I’D CHOOSE THE KNIFE EVERY TIME. I’m not gonna tell you EVERYTHING EVER THAT WAS SAID TO ME bc that would take way too long but yes, yes I have even when they weren’t trying to be knife words

Lisbon: I’m honestly not sure, like I like Hamilton’s America but I hate Trump’s, also I’m really drawn to the British isles and honestly France and Polynesia and India and Russia are all cool, so like I don’t feel like I belong but I might not belong anywhere if that makes sense? Idk tbh

Ljubljana: not really, I sound like my mother over the phone and if you look at baby pictures without the hair showing Greta and I get mixed up (not by family by friends) I have kind of distinctive hair, so.

London: Google says this is thinking vs feeling basically so I gotta go sense (thinking)

Luxembourg: I REGRET EVERYTHING and I often regret things deeply, like really stupid things bc of ~*damaging theology*~ but now mostly because ~*Ocd*~ (I think idk I guess maybe knocking that board over really will send me to hell, I’ve been spinning over this for YEARS)

Madrid: ALL THE TALENTS but maybe speaking fluent French, juggling, and playing guitar if you want some specifics

Moscow: No. I mean when else would I do all the thinking? Not during the day when I’m half asleep, surely.

Nicosia: whenever I’m nervous or exhausted which is most of the time now tbh

Oslo: HAhahahahaha this is hilarious. I’d like absolute 100% certainty that everything is 100% okay, always has been, and always will be. I don’t know what okay even is here but I know that 100% certainty does not exist and also everything probably isn’t okay, and EVEN IF I KNEW THIS I would still be nervous for some hellish reason, I don’t think I’ll ever actually have peace of mind :/

Paris: I mean yeah, but not more afraid than I am of most things. I guess I’m more scared I’d mess it up somehow

Podgorica: HELL YEAH. I mean, I’m curious about death and franklyitwouldntbeterribleifigothitbyasnipertomorrow @ the government, but setting that aside I’ve been raised on stories of people dying, dying for good or evil but for what they believe and I was kinda scared when I was little that I’d chicken out and surrender to the fascist government or whatever but I won’t, I’ll just do the thing, follow the rule same as any other. And even if my beliefs are wrong we’re all gonna die anyway, so

Prague: not really, no. I’ve got a good family, a good church for once, I’m heading to running start next year to study what I want, I don’t really have something to be jealous of.

I mean I’d like my brain to work but I’m not *jealous* of people who’s brains do the thing, I’m happy for them I just would like to be like that too

Reykjavik: A TINY FLOATING ISLAND COUNTRY I COULD PARK WHERE I WANTED I MEAN I DOUBT I’M GONNA MOVE PERMANENTLY OUT OF AMERICA BECAUSE THAT SOUNDS HARD AND MY FAMILY’S HERE BUT I DON’T LIKE ABSOLUTE RULES WHERE I DON’T NEED THEM

Riga: I would take as many selfies as I had to to get one I only kinda hate, I would post that one. (Yeah this is specific but I’m waiting for the technicality police over here, I totally would tho I don’t really care)

Rome: yeah but not romantically. I mean this is gonna sound weird I’m sorry but once in a blue moon I get an overwhelming sense of God and His love for me, that sounds cheesy or fake or something but I’m too tired to not be painfully honest rn

Sarajevo: TO INFINITY AND BEYOND. I wouldn’t do whatever they asked me to, I’m not gonna sign my mind over bc they’re human too and not always right and maybe the stakes are high etc, but if they need something I'ma do the thing at any cost of time, resources, sanity, etc. to myself I’ve got no boundaries here

Skopje: I honestly don’t know?? I’ve been called a lot of sweet things by a lot of sweet people and I remember EVERY SINGLE ONE and honestly I don’t think I could choose one, they’re all sweet in different ways, you know?

Sofia: not in a physical way, women are shockingly treated differently from men in Puritainville, but most people were fine with me in general if I didn’t touch certain buttons. Everyone had different buttons but never said what they were until whoops! It was fun :)

Mental health is also a super fun topic in Puritainville if you were wondering, someone told my mom when I first pulled out of school that I didn’t need a doctor, I just needed a book on Grace, because clearly my theology was why I couldn’t talk and slept fifteen hours a day

Also being Anglican was interesting, I tried explaining the whole icon thing and Lent and via media but it fell on deaf ears

I dunno if this is prejudice related or not but some guy called me a Pharisee when I was seven bc I told him off for making it impossible for me to follow the rules, he was trying to make us scared to teach us about God’s grace, you can imagine how well tiny Kira handled that

wow okay well I guess that’s a yes then

Stockholm: UNFORTUNATELY

In middle school everyone wrote stories about their thinly disguised classmates, and then in ninth grade creepy mcbadideas wrote stories about me saving him from his life basically and then him saving me from depression with a kiss, it was weird

and then Mom has used the whole family for story ideas

Tallinn: I can’t recall a rumour I’ve heard about myself, I’m very open. There were certainly rumors about me being ~*liberal*~ but that was actually true so idk.

I’d like to hear some though, I’m so out there already it’s gotta be entertaining

Tirana: no??? I’m honestly not sure what sexy is but everyone else seems to? Mom swears boys look at me–she’s usually telling me how not to die at a bus stop when this comes up– but I don’t notice anything

Valletta: thankfully no, at least not a big one. The worst I’ve injured myself was when I kinda timed a jump over a brick wall wrong and took out a chunk of my shin.

Vienna: I gave this one A LOT OF THOUGHT but I don’t think there’s like one song that totally captures my life, I definitely identify with songs but there’s not one single song in part because I’m still trying to process my life, you know? Fit things into the correct slots. Until I do that–if that’s even possible–i won’t have just one song. Sorry!!

Vilnius: yeah, why not? If it’s not like a permanent thing bc I have issues with permanency then it’d be cool, if only to get another point of reference for how things are done

Warsaw: i AM a depression lol. I thought two years was about as long as major depressive episodes lasted but I guess not, or maybe I was misdiagnosed idk

Zagreb: I’ve certainly given my TRUST to people I shouldn’t have, I’ve given my FRIENDSHIP to people I shouldn’t have, but I don’t think I’ve ever given someone my heart when I shouldn’t have.

Zurich: not at all. It’s a means to an end, you need it for college and food and stuff, but outside of that I really don’t care. I’ve been trying to figure out how we could restructure society without money and keep it fair and not suppress individuality and keep everyone taken care of it’s an interesting thought experimentTHERE I’M DONE I hope you appreciate that that took me a couple HOURS JOSIE I love you but WOW am I glad that’s over

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spacetortilla · 4 years

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chewing on this -US idea of authentic minority, described by these expectations, and how heavily they seem to be on suffering/hardship/pity -yep what bothers me A TON “latino/hispanic”‘ as one voting/poltical block when it’s a large amount of countries w/own unique relationships about power (last generalization I heard is block kinda mostly Dem voters ) -there’s also the not every exp is an immediate immigrant exp. have US-born and raised generations, so yanno Americans. -culture in US an odd one. b/c understand the but i’m not like the familial immigrant’s homeland. and it can be dif if feel lesser in that regard (don’t speak the lang well, don’t do the nation’s holidays/other celebrations, not connected to traditions, don’t know the history, etc etc) Reclamation of it where it’s hmm can feel out of touch, like grasping @ showboaty straws, Where saying this kind of thing in the “‘homeland’‘ would mainly raise eyebrows. like why do this? that sure is a normal thing. so why r we making a pt of it? so like ex ‘‘mi cultura yanno, making it a pt to wear blusas, have the everyday as decor to verge of like themed restaurant’‘ It’s that touch much. cuz culture is a doing. but like as essentially a buying that’s feels more decor-like, [[reminded of this pic on twitter of an instagrammer? idk but wearing huge africa shaped earrings and western dress taking very posed pics in a marketplace as the actual ppl there w/looks of wtf?] the normalcy of their lives treated as the AHHH this place ,take a breath of it- tourism? I guess that wants to integrate in when it lit just isn’t. wasn’t raised there, doesn’t live there currently][cuz i mean the brunt of it is yo ppl just live here. that’s it. even the traditions are a well, they live here and this happens] -being American just is. raised in it. a fact. -and like culturally how ur family unit is is how u r. how much that means in being ‘‘homeland’‘ culture gonna vary widely. -i wonder if there’s this idea that well minortiy if u aren’t that then rly ur trying to be white. trying to attain white status, white affect. when god no. presumption that of course u’d want to be this. -this is what america looks like (white). when like lol. colonizers took shit, expanded it, and made the borders. but ppl were already here. so like the fuck does white matter? -when work marked by suffering of your ethnicity/minority status for white consumption -idea of you put it on self that u aren’t/could never be default American. believing that there even is a default. there is a pushed one, the white this right. but like it’s BS. -nations and borders and growing up w/in them also p BS. having identity continually this measurement and possibility of failure tiring. -kinda just trying to live wherever u r -also like the idea that homeland better not great. it’s a place where it’s own levels of dehumanization happens. -related idea of authentic tiring me out too. being in a dif space and having to change things up a bit is still the exp of ppl doing. that’s tradition as tradition does in homeland. just less time tacked onto it. like i also think it’s still fine to 1:1 do as homeland does but frankly u have to be in a space where ableto do that (which globalization now can maybe do 1:1, but esp via internet only very recent, so like past century of making a thing) [concrete ex in head”: cooking. I can do 1:1 rn, could even buy specific groceries by internet. But like tex mex not able.tex mex still mexicans making food. just doing it w/dif resources. both authentic in that it’s mexicans making food] -so IDK end summation? i rly dont want to have to prove mexicanness. it’s making me tired. it’s ironic cuz it’s both sides US & MX. prove u r this when u were raised here! have had this exp just bc by blood! -i don’t wanna be all ~~i’m a person (not going to have a label)~~ cuz there is still very real discrim that happens just viz ethnicity/skin (and not getting that is probs white passing privelage honestly). and it’s foolish too to try pulling that and avoid discrim w/in com (ex anti-black latino) -concretly politically i’m following border/immigration, trying to learn up on immigrants that farm-travel, how system uses undocumentated labor, how even documented labor is chewed up. Which yanno those things are human things. Everyone can care.

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