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streaming-yn · 3 years

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Hi, its Grim anon! I was wondering if I could request a platonic bench trio with y/n (she/her) who is very open about her affection for the three (constantly complimenting them, saying ily, etc.), but lately she's been worried that people will take it the wrong way so she's stopped? And now they're like. Where's my Y/N validation? :(

yep yep!! here you go, grim anon! ^^ sorry if I got a bit off track? I'm not sure if I did or not!

platonic!BenchTrio x affectionate!y/n

pronouns: she/her

other information on the reader:

. minor

. very open with her affection

. minecraft streamer

. faceless streamer

. it's against her boundaries for anyone other than friends to use her real name

warnings: sexism/misogyny (ends well, the haters are addressed), idk but the "girl near streamer I like? ew wtf 😒" type of hate (also gets addressed n shut down), little angst, distancing yourself from friends, trying to change yourself, cussing, mention of "weird comments" made towards y/n *ALL OF THESE ISSUES ARE ADDRESSED AND SHUT DOWN THOUGH !!!

form: headcanons

summary: y/n is super openly affectionate with all of her friends! unfortunately, a lot of people think that's a negative thing, though Tommy, Tubbo, and Ranboo notice y/n's change and get to the bottom of it to fix the issue ^^

genre: platonic, little angst, fluff(?) after it gets found out, hurt to comfort type of deal ^^

abbreviations: s/n -> streamer name, y/n -> your name

note: I'm not very good at angst yet so I'm sorry if it kinda sucks !! :(

you were very in touch with your loving side and showed all your friends affection very openly and however you could

unfortunately, since y'all didn't live near each other that meant that you had to wait for visits for like hugs n stuff :(

at first you didn't think much of it, affection was a normal thing between friends, why do it differently on stream?

you would often tell the boys how much you loved them and we're genuinely happy and grateful that y'all were friends

complements and validation paired with this, naturally

the boys looked forward to streams with you, not only because you where best friends but for the serotonin that your affection brought :D

actually!! on streams with all of you together, it wouldn't be uncommon for tommy, tubbo, and ranboo to playfully fight over your affection

it would be in different ways though, like with Tommy, you would complement either ranboo or tubbo and if you didn't state a name tommy would be like "THAT WAS MENT FOR ME, (TUBBO/RANBOO)" after they thanked you

meanwhile tubbo would either go on about betrayal and how you didn't love him anymore and he's going to run away or he would do something along the lines of ":(( what about meee"

and ranboo, if the compliment wasn't aimed at him, even if you clearly added tommy or tubbo's name at the end, would always reply "thank you" or something similar

however it's different if the compliment is directed at them!

ranboo would thank you, do a small laugh that's half flustered half awkward, and then complement you back (he got less awkward and flustered as he got more used to it though!)

you could hear the smile in tubbo's voice as he loudly thanks you and gives you like 3 compliments in return

tommy, it would depend if either of y'all are streaming or not! yes? "I know" all jokingly cocky like. no? "thank you, I guess" he says it as a half joke, it's a genuine thank you, but he likes keeping it playful so the "I guess" is thrown on, it's random if he gives you a complement back or not, it's literally not even dependant on how he feels, it just at random

also I feel like you and Tommy would have like a "ily!! /p" "ew /j" bit, very often I will add 👍

like while your streaming you like "tommy!! I love you, thank you for being my friend :)" and him, completely disregarding the last bit, would reply "EWW, Y/N YOU DO KNOW IM I MINOR CORRECT??"

if him ever saying ew hurts your feelings then he won't say it, however he will say the rest, unless him deflecting your "ily" makes you feel bad as well, it's fairly easy to crack him to say it back since you're best friends

a lot of back and forth, but not too hard since he never wants to genuinely hurt you

ALSO if you complement him (on stream ofc) he will find a way to turn it around, not onto you, but just turning into something too tame to be labeled and insult but definitely something close!

"I like your sunglasses!!" "oH??? SO YOU DONT LIKE MY EYES??? THANKS S/N"

(also feel like tubbo might do this)

ofc would stop if it makes you sad/uncomfortable/etc

with ranboo though, he might occasionally do that, but it's way more often for you two to get into complementing matches (just going back and forth with complements)

you also sometimes do the "ily more" thing, just because it's funny bc it's like a cringe romance movie thing, y'all never do it on stream though because ppl might make it weird, and some friend quirks are better kept private anyway, just a you two thing :)

occasionally the "no you hang up first" too, except you both play they teen girl waving her hand and saying it the most high pitched voice she can. it's so funny hearing ranboo going so high 💀💀

as a rising streamer, of course you have Twitter, and your subtwt isn't toxic – due to your personality and stuff, the people you attract to your content are all pretty loving and chill! ofc there's a few bad eggs, but that's just what happens, you choose to ignore those few

but since you've gotten more popular, people finding you through your more popular friends, you've seen a rise of tweets mentioning you, whether it be in general or in the boy's replies

you're glad to be getting more popular, now you can find more people who seek comfort from your content, which was your goal when you started anyway! so it's all exciting! ..at first.

rise in people means rise of people in the toxic 1%, and also means rise of haters or people who just don't like you

sometimes you come across tweets like "why does y/n feel the need to be around ranboo, tubbo, and tommy? leave them alone ffs, she got her fame she wanted, she can leave now 🙄✋" and "we get it, girl streamers are less talented so you needed to leech off they boys' talent! like is she done yet or??" or occasional tweets saying something about shipping – which is against not only your boundaries but all of they boys' as well.

the replies being full of "use s/n, using her real name is breaking her boundaries! and if you have an issue, then don't watch the streams she's in, dickhead!", "you could just mute her name on here and not follow her twitch, you're being overdramatic for no reason", "hey hey, remember that s/n checks her indirects", "ew, deactivate", "aw, are you scared bc a girl is better than you at gaming? aw you gonna cry??", etc, makes you feel a bit better, but the punch from the original tweet lingers

after seeing a bit more, you saw the majority of the haters – and weird people – you saw the root of it was probably because you were so affectionate towards you friends and just being around them in general

so, it'd be best to stop, right? don't participate in as many streams, stop being so affectionate in general, to be honest you were already quite anxious that you being so "clingy" was annoying, the hate just solidified it

so you have a plan in line, the hard part is executing it :(

to start, you stopped complimenting them as much on stream, and the late phone calls lessened, and those became more and more noticeable before you "got too busy" to be in as many streams as you used to

I feel like ranboo would notice first and try talking to you before bringing it up to tommy and tubbo, but when you replied "oh! yeah I'm good dw :)" he knew it was a lie and went to the others

"what do you think is going on?" "I'm not sure" "whatever it is, do you think this is why she stopped being so affectionate? I miss it"

then it clicked for tommy while ranboo and tubbo still tried to figure it out

"do you think it's family problems?" "no, last time they has family problems they became more clingy and their phone calls were more frequent, not-" "wait wait wait"

tommy checked your social media platforms, of course they had more followers than before

"what? tommy?" "I think it's more of an online hate problem" tommy leaned back in his chair, running his hands over his face before looking over at the discord call as the two others made sounds of shock, "yeah, this started after her platform got bigger and she got more well known" "..you're right" "how- how do we fix it?" "address it on a stream?" "no, no, not yet, I think we should contact y/n first, see if she'll tell us if we're right or not" "I could try? last time I texted her she responded pretty quickly so maybe that still applies?" "yeah, tell us if we're right or not and we'll continue from there"

so ranboo texted you, making sure to form the text to get to the point but not scare you, he knows how anxiety inducing confrontation, especially from friends, can be for you

you didn't know exactly how to respond, would it be better if you lied? or would the truth be better?

after a few times of the "..." appearing and disappearing on ranboo's screen before you message of ",, yeah, that is the reason actually ;; I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I thought it'd be better to just distance myself :(" sent through

the boys on call could hear the frown in ranboo's voice when he sighed and said "oh" "were we right?" "just a second"

ranboo replied to you, reassuring you that you don't don't have to apologize for not telling them and it isn't your fault, making sure to remind you that you can come to either him, tommy, or tubbo whenever you want

"yeah, she got hate, and I guarantee that if we go through her indirects then we'll see what exactly happened, we may have to scroll a bit though" so they searched around on Twitter and found some, then tubbo spoke "do you think she would want to join call so we can figure out what to do to fix this?" "I can text her, though maybe we can more of distract and comfort her tonight? we can talk about the hate and stuff another time" "yeah yeah, I think that's a good idea"

so he texted you to see if you'd like to join the call, you accepted and ended up playing video games with them – mainly Minecraft servers – for a few hours before tommy had you and ranboo (assuming you're in the US or close) sign off to get some sleep (if you're in the UK or close, he had you and tubbo sign off and then signed off himself for some sleep)

the next day you guys hopped back on call to discuss how you guys would fix it, as well as them giving a bunch of positive comments about your affection :)

you guys decided on a serious stream from Tommy's account, it was either tommy or ranboo's account, but you guys chose tommy bc he's not anxious about turning off donos and other things

you guys discussed that the hate you were getting was uncalled for, and the weird comments were to be stopped immediately.

"I think that's everything? y/n, anything else?" "yeah I think that's about it, thank you guys so much!!" "alright, one more thing before we go- chat- chat, if you have an issue with y/n being in our streams just don't watch our streams! if you don't like y/n we don't want you here" "tommyyyy :(( (/pos)" "wait wait!! chat, if anyone asks or is being rude either spread clips on the stream or screenshots of the tweets we posted!! we want to make sure that everyone – even those not watching the stream – are informed!" "alright, bye chat, I better not see any more y/n negativity!!"

there wasn't negativity in chat when you went to check btw :)! it was in emote-only bc they thought it'd be the best thing to do and most of the chat was filled with hearts and other positive emotes! <33

now whenever hate stuff it posted the replies have screenshots of either tommy, tubbo, or ranboo's tweets, links to the VOD, or clips, stating the most important and the tweet is usually taken down within a matter of hours – days sometimes

and after that everything was back to normal!! you started complimenting them again, telling them how much you love them again, etc etc! you even got back into late calls :)

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sun-flower-children · 3 years

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BakuSquad’s Boy Part 1

A/N: Based on a fic that doesn’t exist anymore :( I’ll be adding my own head canons from what i remember of the og fic. This whole thing is in a headcanon format :)))

Kirishima was sitting down when he noticed their new transfer student walking into the cafeteria looking lost. Without thinking twice he quickly caught the attention of the male and motioned him to come over.

“Is it okay if I join you?” you asked, recognizing the spiky haired student as your classmate.

“Of course, let me introduce you to everybody!”

The redhead introduced all the guys sitting at the table. The talkative blonde with the lightning bolt in his hair was Kaminari . The smiling black haired boy with oddly shaped elbows was Sero and the angry-faced pale blonde with red eyes was Bakugo. While the rest smiled at you he merely sneered and ignored you.

“Don’t let him bother you too much, he's a grouch!” Kirishima said smiling.

The entire lunch period was spent talking to the Bakusquad and explaining how you transferred from the hero school in your home country and enrolled at UA. Laughing with them and bonding over memes and hero training.

It didn’t take long for you to become part of the friend group.

Y’all are a chaotic group of motherfuckers

The group chat is mess; Bakugo is trying to help people w homework, Zero is constantly sharing tick tocks and at 2 am Denki will spam it with memes ( which pisses Bakugo off bc it wakes him up when he forgets to mute his notifications)

Y’all will study together, which surprisingly, can be super productive sometimes.

It honestly didn’t take very long for you guys to become inseparable. They have you back and you have theirs. Training and working out together is a plus because sometimes y’all are too busy to actually fully hangout.

Kirishima will compliment you in a “manly” way and will totally be your hype man. Will be ecstatic when you give back the same energy. One time Bakugo joined you guys for his morning workout and his jaw almost fell to the ground when he saw you take your shirt off. He couldn’t help but stare like holy shit you were ripped. Training with Kiri really did pay off. Bakugo smirked to himself when he noticed his red haired friend was also checking you out when you didn’t notice.

Going to the mall with Sero and Denki is a whole ass ride. Y’all will go to so many stores and either waste all your money or just fuck around. Hot Topic is definitely a favorite of theirs. They don’t care if it’s not your vibe because they will want to deck you out in the fitting rooms to see what you look like. Once they pushed the curtain before you were done changing your shirt and both pairs of eyes went straight to your body, making you blush.

After being friends for so long the Bakusquad could read each other's emotions and all recognized that they had crushes on you. They talked about it and concluded that this would by no means would get between their friendship but would amicably flirt with you.

They organized a sleepover not too long after. But it was basically them all fighting each other about who’s room they would be staying in. Ended up going to Bakugo’s room because it was the closest for most of them. When you got there you were so caught up with the movie that you didn't realize they were low-key fighting each other for a spot next to you/ touching you in general. It was when y’all were going to sleep when you realized you left your sheets and what not in your room. Bakugo without missing a beat said you could sleep with him which then prompted Denki to tell you that “Bakugo’s feet smell like shit you don't wanna sleep with him” for Kiri to go “ Hey that isn’t manly, you should sleep w me Y/N.”. While the three of them were battling it out you and Sero were just sitting crouched in the corner. “I mean Y/N I could always get sheets and stuff from my rooms ‘cause it's not that far from here.” only for Bakugo to throw a pillow straight in his face yelling “Shut it Soy-Sauce face!!” Yeah they felt really bad in the morning when you ended up sleeping on the floor with nothing covering you.

Sero will want to smoke with you. The first time he smoked with you, you ended up having a panic attack and he felt responsible for making you panic and so anxious. He tries to smoke by himself for the meanwhile until you convince him to let you try again. It goes much better this time. Y’all start vibing to his latin playlist and he tries to teach you but y’all just end up stumbling over each other and constantly laughing. When dancing becomes physically exhausted and watches tick tocks and videos on his phone. Which ends up with y’all crying over the video where the racoon tries to wash his cotton candy but it dissolves. At some point the tears become too much and you both reach for each other which ends up with y'all sobbing and cuddling each other. Y’all fell asleep like this :)

The whole squad smokes at one point or another. Kirishima does it whenever he’s just in the mood to hangout and he uber chills. Bakugo does it to relieve stress and just enjoy life a bit. Denki smokes the 2nd most in the group just whenever he needs to kill time or he wants to vibe.

There will be times when y'all will smoke together and just fuck shit up. Like, one night after exam y’all are smoking but shit starts getting wild. Like y'all are hopping off the walls and dancing around to random music. Denki will find a roach that's stuck on its back and trying to get back off its legs but y’all are dancing all around it thinking it's like break dancing. “ AYYYY FUCK IT UP” Bakugo would yell “GET INTO IT” Sero would then yell. One of y’all took a video and accidentally posted it on Snapchat so the next day Mina would ask like wth happened last night bc y’alls tik toks and snapchats were wack af. Sero would probably speak on behalf of the group and say “ We were just really hyper.

When they all become hyper aware of their feelings not only for you but like low-key for each other they all change a lil bit. Like:

Denki stops flirting with people outside of the Baku Squad. He’s more touchy with y’all. Holding onto arms, arms over shoulders, hands on waists, holding hands, sitting in y’alls laps (this is a big one)

Kirishima has more energy when he’s with you guys. Like he could be running lower on battery than normal but one of y'all just comes up to him and he lights up like a light bulb.

Bakugo stops ruining desks and promptly yelling at people. He’s toned down and becomes a bit more chilled out. Mostly when he's with you guys. He is still a grumpy gremlin when he is with people who aren’t the Baku Squad.

Sero actually hides it pretty well and no one notices and changes that are indicative of a crush. Probably a bit more confident in himself

Kirishima and Denki acting like they haven't seen each other in sages when it really has only been like five minutes.

“ OMG BRO IT'S BEEN FOREVER”

“OMG DENKI MY MAN I MISSED YOU SM!”

“ BRO C’MERE AND PLANT A PHAT ONE ON ME!”

“HELL YA MY DUDE, THIS IS GONNA BE MANLY.”

And then proceed to aggressively walk toward each other, slap each others asses and plant a kiss on each other's cheeks before erupting into a huge fit of laughter. While people around them are just like ‘wtf is going on’

Touching becomes a thing.

Y’all will actively find each other when y'all want a hug or cuddles or smth. Forehead and cheek kisses are a thing. Bakugo takes much longer to warm up to everyone starting really with you and Kirishima. most comfortable holding y’alls hands loosely and rubbing your knuckles. Denki probably does this the most. He lives for physical affection, just give this poor boy his much needed cuddles and kithes.

Despite y’all high-key crushing for each other you all still are absolutely focused on your career paths as heros. Bakugo helping teach english and you trying to help ( if you know english well enough to teach )

“Ok idiots for the last time what word do we use to describe Sarah?”

“I mean she took these poor dudes apples and all of these are positive adjectives...i think.”

“Yeah Sarah’s kind of a bitch.”

“SHUT IT YOU TOO AND ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION!”

“I mean Bakubro they aren’t wrong...”

“NOT YOU TOO KIRI!”

You guys work so well during team vs fights bc of how well you all know each other.

It’s an absolute mess but y’all love eachother <3

I will be making a part 2 ( + 3 i think ) so hang around for more :)

MASTERLIST

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miscellaneous-miscecanis · 3 years

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I was thinking the other day about a/b/o in highschool, and because the concept owns my whole heart, I came up with just a few (jk there’s a lot) headcanons for a group of close highschool friends!

This includes secondary dynamics because I love them. Not to be self-centered or anything.

Headcanons (featuring my horrible texting grammar) under the cut since there’s so many!

- the alphas in the friend group get huffy and defensive when a teacher or other student even looks at someone in their group the wrong way

- the omegas are the mom friends of the group, making sure everyone is fed and warm, always checking up on everyone

- the delta in the friend group refuses to admit how much they appreciate it when their omegan friend(s) checks on them after school because shit dude, school really drains the life out of you

- the betas in the group are always there to calm down a fight, but also hype everyone up and are always the ones planning surprises like gifts or trips

- the betas are low key stalking the rest of the friend group to make sure their schedules allow for a trip somewhere

- the heat cycles of the omegan friends have synced up. the betas make sure to take notes on what they miss in class, and the alphas are there to snap at anyone who makes weird/rude comments when they return

- the alphas get anxious when they have a class with none of their friends bc they're constantly worried about how everyone is doing

- the betas coordinate a trip out to a field!!! And they can FROLIC!!!

- the zeta friend makes everyone flower crowns and it is soft

- presidential alert: the sigmas are wrestling (don't worry, the betan friends are there to mediate)

- the alpha/omega pair that everyone knows is going to end up mates chase each other through the grass and they get teased for it affectionately

- the gamma friend is peak waifu material and makes everyone snacks so they can have a picnic, and back at school they're always passing out things they made

- the gamma friend tried to hand the delta friend a brownie in the middle of a hallway once and they bluescreened but eventually, begrudgingly accepted it

- the group likes to go out to eat together and they cause absolute chaos EVERY TIME, the alphas try to be chivalrous and pay for it while the betas insist they split it evenly and the omegas sit there metaphorically eating popcorn

- all of the omegan friends have collected at least one article of clothing from everyone in the friend group for their nest

- one of the alphas tried to take back their hoodie when they were all hanging out at one of the omegas' houses but changed their mind when the all of the omegan friends started yelling

- speaking of going to each other's houses- they do so ALL. THE. TIME. and piss off their parents but not really, they find it adorable. The parents of the alphan friends especially always smile when they see their child letting all of their friends into their den

- the betan friends have made bets on who's going to take who to prom, end up mates, etc

- the betan friends also know the scents of their friends inside and out, down to the point where they can differentiate whether their friend's scent is different from a bad grade or a negative comment

- they start to think oh shit are we actually kind of a pack? when the omegan friends are comfortable having all of them in their nests, not just the other omegan friends

- they do eventually end up a pack because fuck you, i make the rules

#miscecanis #misceanimalis #a/b/o #a/b/o lifestyle #omegaverse #alpha/beta/omega dynamics #zeta #gamma #sigma #delta #oh boy i sure hope those tags dont attract incels #headcanon #a/b/o headcanon #packs #omegaverse pack #moon's madness #secondary dynamics

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s1utspeare · 3 years

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OMGOMGOMG U REBLOGGED THIS OK UHHHHHHH GIMME FO YE FEELS

FO-YE???? YOU WANT FO-YE??????

How I feel about this character: i fell in love with fo-ye literally yesterday. cause like. ok ok it was so funny cause i started mystic nine under the impression that fo-ye was like. an old wise dude cause zhang rishan was always like “my master. fo-ye. i must follow His Path.” so i thought fo-ye was just gonna be chilling at ninety but then HE TURNED OUT TO BE GORGEOUS??? LIKE HOLY SHIT SIR. but I was still on the M9 bus for zhang baby rishan and thEN i saw a behind the scenes blooper clip where William Chan laughed and i was gone. sorry. i love him now.

also writing the Fo-Ye scenes in Swiftly Tilting ended me and i would like to formally sue myself for emotional damages

All the people I ship romantically with this character: i am a firm supporter of the er-ye/yatou/fo-ye/xinyue polycule. They would all?? be perfect together?? also it just makes sense. fo-ye is literally SO GAY for er-ye it’s insane. This man sold all of his shit for er-ye. he would do anything for him. and I think that he and Yatou would also get along very well?? like they’re the two introverts of the group, and they have quiet chats over tea while er-ye teaches xinyue stage combat in the yard. and i genuinely really like him and xinyue together! she’s so bright and feisty and doesn’t take any of fo-ye’s shit! also (im only on episode fourteen so this might become True Canon later) i headcanon that zhang rishan ADORES xinyue and they’re like. best friends. xinyue is vp of the fo-ye fanclub only bc zhang rishan is way too good at being president.

also they’re all like. real actual adults?? like they have their SHIT together i just want them to live happily ever after with each other in domestic bliss and invite fuba over for dinner. and also they have the biggest bed known to man bc xinyue does NOT like cuddling when sleeping and also she kicks and er-ye always has to be the big spoon bc he’s a caretaker at his core and yatou like sleeping on the outside bc she doesn’t want to feel trapped and fo-ye secretly takes a lot of comfort in being in the middle of cuddle piles bc he likes being able to tell where everyone is subconsciously so they have like a specially built bed that’s like a double king so they can all sleep together but also have their preferences be met. damn why did i write so much about their bed. uh anyway. polycule rights

(also i kinda ship fo-ye/Third Prince bc all of their interactions at the auction WERE FUCKING ADORABLE)

My non-romantic OTP for this character: ZHANG BROS BABBBBYYYYY also i really like his relationship with ba-ye??? i would never ship them romantically (mostly bc ba-ye is Way Too Done with fo-ye at literally any moment) but they are SO GONE FOR EACH OTHER PLATONICALLY. like episode one we had fo-ye coming in to kick Everyone’s asses and save ba-ye and if that doesn’t give u BroTP vibes i don’t know what will. Also love all of the ba-ye and fo-ye Life Changing Field trips.

My unpopular opinion about this character: he’s kind of a dick??? like not overtly and not a lot but like. he sort of ruined peng sanbian’s life (not that peng sanbian was a particularly good person) and his marriage?? and he arrested chen pi for like no reason instead of just talking to him and then fucked off to beiping and let zhang rishan deal with that mess. and he’s constantly going behind er-ye’s back and manipulating him into doing things and also that one scene where he made zhang rishan and ba-ye just stand there and watch while he investigated the Weird Tomb when he KNOWS that zhang baby rishan would literally be so anxious the entire time and inevitably Fuck Something Up due to his constantly need to Be of Help to Fo-Ye. And don’t even get me STARTED on whatever the fuck he was doing in Gutongjing. And making Zhang Rishan feel like he could never move on or be happy bc he had to follow him, even in death. and i think he knows that he’s doing it, too

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: I WISH WE KNEW FOR SURE HOW HE DIED I WISH WE KNEW THIS. it feels like there’s something so huge missing there and i want to find out about it ASAP. like. we sort of have an idea of it but he’s so intertwined with Gutongjing and Jiumen and Warehouse 11 that it seems super remiss to just leave out his death and the events surrounding it, but then again the series isn’t finished so if we get fo-ye death backstory in sha hai 2 i’m committing atrocities

IN CONCLUSION FO-YE I LOVE HIM here’s a screenshot of Zhang Baby Rishan checking out ✨Dat Ass✨

#fo ye holy fuck #cross i would die for u #thank u for this ask #i am in ur debt #mystic nine #dmbj #ask tag

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dreamerology · 3 years

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i was tagged by the loml @123dream to answer these 20 get to know me questions! thank u for tagging me hehe 💕

🦋what do you prefer to be called name-wise?

elliot or el! i don’t rly have a preference for either

🦋when is your birthday?

october 9

🦋where do you live?

canada 🦫

🦋three things you’re doing right now?

i just got home from work so im listening 2 music, snacking on a muffin & catching up w my roommate

🦋four fandoms that have piqued your interest right now?

i would definitely love to have more people to talk abt books w but im not overly interested in being involved in any of the fandoms

🦋how is the pandemic treating you?

awful lol our govt is handling it so poorly & im so tired of constantly feeling on edge and anxious when im at work/having to take the bus and it just seems like an endless cycle which like ☹️💔 it’s been 2 years since ive seen my gf and who knows when we’ll be able to travel again….i also just miss walking around malls & going escape rooms & board game cafes, stuff like that

🦋song you can’t stop listening to right now?

honey by halsey 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 (the entire album really…)

🦋recommend a movie

castle in the sky <3

🦋how old are you?

21! 22 soon 🤢

🦋school, university, occupation, other?

i currently work at two post secondary libraries! been at the one for 2 years and the other for a year (ignoring the months i was laid off from both bc of covid 🙄)

🦋do you prefer hot or cold?

cold bc at least u can continue to layer up for warmth….my anxiety has decided this summer that heat makes me claustrophobic and triggers panic attacks so im glad the weather is starting to cool off

🦋name one fact others may not know about you.

ive never been stung by a bee/wasp so im terrified im actually allergic even tho there isn’t that kind of severe reaction in my family lmao

🦋are you shy?

yes but not even in the cute way more so in the annoying and useless in social situations way

🦋what are your preferred pronouns?

they/them! at the moment im also ok w he/him

🦋any pet peeves?

people who r on the phone while they’re at like a checkout or expecting help from someone idk how else to describe it but every time a student comes to check out something while on the phone and i also have to talk to them i wanna smack the phone out of their hand

🦋what’s your favourite “dere” type?

could not tell u the definition of one of them sorry

🦋rate your life 1-10. 1 being really crappy and 10 being the best you could ever be.

6 maybe??? in a (temporary) full time job in my field which will hopefully lead to something more!!! and our work schedules just changed so ill actually be able to see my roommates every evening instead of once a week :D i just got back from an absolutely wonderful road trip! ive also picked up reading again which makes me really happy & fulfilled….if the panoramic wasn’t happening n i had a trip planned to see noah it would be even higher also once i get a better hold of my anxiety i’ll be unstoppable

🦋what’s your main blog?

dreamerology

🦋list your side blogs and what they’re used for.

im not active on any of them anymore like im barely active here lmaooo

🦋is there anything you think people need to know about you before becoming friends with you?

sometimes i take a lot time to reply bc i overthink my messages rly bad if we’re just getting to know each other! but if we have something in common chances are i already consider us besties im just horrible at initiating convos

tagging some mutuals who r recently in my activity bc idk like anyone on here anymore 😢@softredvelvet @carnation-station @penpall @s00ft @leetaemn

#u don’t have to do this if u don’t wanna!!#el.txt

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imjukyung · 3 years

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Okay so we all know how much I love Suho and Jugyeong as individuals but also as a unit and I obviously think about these characters too much so have yet another unnecessary analysis from me. This post ended up being over 1500 words, I apologize. Like my Suho post before, this is not an invitation for hate, or arguments, just, observations I’ve made and yeah.

So both Suho and Jugyeong have suffered trauma, not in the same manner but both have very deep set issues that affect who they are as people. Jugyeong is deeply insecure about her looks and her grades, all thanks to the bullying she endured from most people surrounding her life. Suho has lived a life of great loss, beginning with his parents (his mother's death and his father's essential abandonment), then his best friends (seyeon's death and seojun's breaking their friendship). Both have some deep scars and yet, they both try so hard for each other.

As friends, Jugyeong offers herself as a listening ear for Suho when he needs it, something he never really had before. You can argue he could have had it in anyone trying to be his friend, but a part of it is definitely Suho's fear of losing someone else, he can't lose someone else he loves if he doesn't let them get close. But with Jugyeong it just happens naturally, this girl who he saved, who ironically likes horror comics like him. They bond, he keeps her secret, then there's those different emotions he keeps getting around her. He starts saying things without really thinking, he starts doing things that he wouldn't normally do. Friends, Lee Suho has a crush and he has zero idea what to do.

Now I could go in depth on Suho, and believe me friends I have, but this is more on why I support this relationship. They help each other in so many ways, Jugyeong was there after Suho's first panic attack on the anniversary of Seyeon's death. She went looking for him because she was worried, she wanted to be there for him, to support him in any way she could. In turn Suho keeps her secret and also helps her when he can. He tries to help her in her studies, he saves her wallet from her bullies and comforts her afterwards. He willingly beats the crap out of the boys who kidnapped her, and holds her hand on the drive home because she looks like she's struggling. He praises her after her fight with her mom about her grades, because he saw how hard she worked and how it affected her that her mom still wasn't happy.

Support. They offer each other support because they've seen each other at their lowest of lows, and this was before they even started to date.

After confessing, which is done when Jugyeong is not wearing make up, so props to the writers for that. They manage to build each other up some more. Despite Suho being more than ready to tell everyone they are together, he accepts when Jugyeong asks him to not say anything then proceeds to plan a date far enough away where they shouldn't get caught and she gets to meet her idol (he paid attention after seeing her watch a single video) which he knows will make her happy. He pays attention, because he wants her to be happy. He notices when she's off, when she doesn't seem as bright or happy, and he tries to figure out why. He wants to take care of her, to make her happy, because that's how much he genuinely cares (i don't wanna say love bc people will get pissy but you know what, f u c k it, he LOVES HER). He assures her that she is enough when she shares that she feels like she isn't good enough for him, but what does he say? You're enough. Because he doesn’t want her to think that way, because she’s probably more than enough for him. After all he likes her for who she is, and he thinks she’s pretty without makeup on, and he knows she’ll work hard for her grades if she needs to.

They are also constantly on the phone with each other which is freaking cute because like, they just want to tell each other EVERYTHING which is good because it’s a precursor to possible good communication. And even though it was followed by lack of communication, they did end up apologizing to each other after the accident. Suho actually apologized AGAIN once he returned to school, so he acknowledged that he said things he shouldn’t have said. But also that conversation was the catalyst for her admitting to Sujin that they were dating, because she felt she had to tell her, and to tell Sujin how much she meant to her. This was brave for Jugyeong to do, because we know our girl hates confrontation, but she did it. She admitted she liked Suho, a lot, and that they were dating. It was a big revelation and we all know it.

But anyway, let’s talk about the accident, once Jugyeong hears that Suho is hurt, she literally runs to the hospital, even though she doesn’t have make up on. His safety is a priority and she has no chill, she could have bolted out when she realized Seojun was there too, but she did want to at least check on him after, she was even thinking of going back, but she decided against it. Suho followed her, because he really just wanted to see her. She’s become a sense of comfort for him, her mere presence seems to help him. You can tell by how he holds on to her, how he practically melts into her when he’s holding her. She’s helping ground him, she’s helping him heal because he said it didn’t even hurt anymore. She is HEALING him, without even realizing it. Having her in his life, it’s helping him want to reconnect with this side of himself that he’d abandoned when Seyeon died.

Jugyeong is a worry wart, Suho teases her of such, but you can tell just how much she worries because she visits constantly while he’s in the hospital, she brings him things, and even after watching him experience yet another panic attack and get put under sedation, she remains at his side. Holding his hand, even if he doesn’t know she’s there, she wants to be there for him like he’s there for her. This is further cemented after news breaks about Suho’s dad, she’s there again, because she wanted to give him a hug. He told her he missed her, and here she was. But she just wanted to give him comfort because she knew he’d need it, even if he had an awful relationship with his dad, it was his dad. He had to feel awful and she wanted to be there for him. They want to be the other’s support system, and that’s honestly a beautiful foundation for a relationship and it can help in both their healing journeys in general.

The latest episode just further cemented by support for them as a couple, because they were so freaking adorable? The video call? Her worrying about him, her doing research to tell him things he should eat to ensure his leg heals faster? The hearts, and even though Suho is so dumb sometimes, he still offered her affection through the video call. Then when he showed up at her house for them to hold hands to the bus stop, because this boy is craving physical touch. (He apologized again for what he said before the accident, so yes) But you can tell he really is feeling comfortable with showing her affection because he literally leans on her at school, using his injury so he can be close to her at school. He’s always watching her too, because you can tell that protective instinct is there, and when she’s unhappy he looks visibly worried.

Also the immense respect he has for his relationship, remembering what Seojun told him, he straight up tells Sujin that he’s taken, by Jugyeong, the line more CLEARLY drawn each time he sees Sujin because he needs her to understand that he only likes her as a friend. His obvious visible worry when she doesn’t seem like herself, to the point that he tries to get her to talk to him, just like she’s offered to be a listening ear to him, he wants to reciprocate. He wants her to know that she can talk to him, which is why the second hand holding scene is amazing, it’s the opposite of earlier in the episode where she held his hand in the hospital. In that moment she was comforting him, but now he was comforting her. THEY HELP EACH OTHER.

Anyway continuing on with Sujin and when she throws away the necklace he gave Jugyeong, you can see that he’s hurt because she’s supposed to be friends with Jugyeong and here she is throwing away something that is important to her. Now as he’s walking away after that exchange, you see him begin to text Juju to not look for the necklace, but he doesn’t send it. What’s this boy doing instead? He goes and buys a new one, because he knows Juju will look all night for it, and he doesn’t want to hurt her and say hey your best friend threw it away because she’s jealous we’re dating. He knows she’s suffered a shit ton (although he doesn’t know the extent that someone she considered a friend betrayed her, just like now) and she doesn’t need to think that her friends are out to get her. So he buys a new necklace, and then he places it so Jugyeong can find it, and he’s happy that she’s happy. Because she’s so relieved to find it, after all it’s precious, Suho gave it to her. Just as he treasures things he’s received from her (I bet you the hair tie and the candy bar are in his apartment still) and he uses the things she bought him for his anxiety (again she’s taking care of him, doing research to assure he doesn’t feel anxious again, so she buys him all the things to help with anxiety).

Them holding hands is precious, and the way he puts their entwined hands in his pocket slayed me. That’s it, that’s the sentence. MOVING ON.

Overall I feel like they work amazingly because they’ve seen each other at their lowest points, and they also want to help lift each other up. They will do anything to lift each other up. They can help each other heal, not saying that they won’t need other help, but their relationship will be beneficial to them in the long run if they continue down this path.

#not a beauty (ooc)#me trying to get poetic (meta)#true beauty #lee su ho #im jugyeong #lim jugyeong #true beauty drama #ship fodder

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faedawayyy · 3 years

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part 1

THINGS YOU PROBABLY DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT MY CHARACTERS THAT ARE ABSOLUTELY CANON. IT’S JUST HOW THEY FEEL, GO AWAY.

BASICALLY, this is a masterlist of things i want people to know about them but they’d never necessarily say or show outloud bc most of them as stubborn as fuck.

DALLAS

he doesn’t regret or hate any of his exes at all. he is completely indifferent towards liana and gisele, still loves soraya and has a kind of up-down mood towards riley and zara. ruby’s a friend.

he believes he’ll end up with soraya...like one thousand percent. she’s the only person he’s loved.

charlie, matt and evan are the only people he’d give the label of ‘true friends’ and it definitely isn’t what he would’ve expected a few years ago.

his weakness is people feeling proud of him. like that’s something he craves constantly and when it happens, or you show it genuinely, you’re most likely to get through to him.

his natural coping mechanism is to act out; some people shut down/drink/take drugs. the more extreme dallas’s behaviour is and the harsher he’s behaving, the more you know he’s hurting/in a bad place.

definitely the victim of a serious god complex. he believes with his whole heart that some of his worst work is still better than a lot of peoples best (so do i cause im a bieber fan LOL)

he’s intelligent - scarily so...he got into several top colleges after high school including yale (where he attended for half of a semester/term), oxford and UCL.

before his dad’s debt engulfed his family, he had a really good relationship with him and played multiple sports including hockey and golf.

he can’t picture himself living past 30...or 27 some days.

biggest character flaw EASILY is not knowing how to ask for or accept help. it’s been the root of ALL of his bad decisions and shitty actions.

this literally isn’t a secret but he doesn’t give up. if you push him, he’ll push back harder and would sooner escalate a situation than be the one to walk away.

he does everything in his power to not have to sleep in his family home.

a cute hidden quality - he’s shockingly very good with children

a shit hidden quality - a lot of his choice of girlfriend’s have to do whether he finds them physically attractive or not. if it’s an ‘or not’, chances are he won’t even consider it.

his personality type is estp - bold, practical, original, direct, insensitive, risk-prone, unstructured, defiant

he is HIGHLY impulsive and quick to act on feelings. back to his exes, this has often made him feel like he loves people that he definitely doesn’t.

he’s actually HUGELY affectionate and that’s the tell tale sign of who he likes and who he doesn’t. if you’ve known him and he’s never acted soft/affectionate, he didn’t care in the first place.

he’s one million percent had his heartbroken. he’ll tell you he hasn’t all day.

conflicting with his god complex is crushingly low self-esteem when it comes to things like being worth of peoples time/energy/genuine interest beyond just being funny/hooking up with.

silent reassurance is a thing for him. he’ll check that someone he’s comfortable with/loves is there every so often as social events and eye contact/acknowledgement definitely helps

MASON

confrontation and disputes gives him huge anxiety but the carmichael house is the definition of toxic masculinity, so he swallows it and tries to be as rational as possible in arguments.

comparison is a very real thing for him. he compares every element and detail of his life to others; especially the other boys.

he considers madison his first love

his love language is definitely acts of service, if he’s willing to help and work towards something w.you, then he cares.

he is definitely a burnt out over-achiever. he struggles with the concept of ‘reaching his full potential’ and no matter what he does, he doesn’t feel like he’s ever there

between leo and brody, he feels like he was never a child or even young. he’s always had a really wise head on his shoulders and is rarely impulsive. it’s the thing he hates most about himself...yet the thing a lot of people find appealing

if you mention a critically acclaimed movie as your favourite, it gives him a bad first impression of you LOL

he struggles to show emotion more than the others, who tend to act out and make rash decisions. i doubt anybody’s seen him cry ever.

he didn’t peak in high school but he 100% misses who he was back then

nostalgia is something that consumes him sometimes - if he’s shared a deep connection or memories with you, he won’t forget about you

he’s literally never been on the wrong side of the law but police sirens make him anxious

he never wants to be turn out like his dad, but also wants everything his dad created and had and it’s his biggest dilemma

dogs are and have always been his favourite animal

organisation is a big thing to him. people probably assume kendall is the one who keeps things in check in their apartment, but it’s totally him. cabinets, wardrobes, shelves and everything...he can’t leave it alone if it’s disorganised

he struggles being spoken down to or feeling like he’s being patronised. it’s the quickest way to piss him off

he over-thinks everything, even if it doesn’t feel like it

his worst habit is nail biting. he even had the stuff you put on your fingers as a kid and it didn’t squash it

he’s vegetarian

if he wasn’t a carmichael, he definitely would’ve gone backpacking and worked from place to place after school but his dad definitely wouldn’t have approved

feeling useful to people is something that makes him feel self-worth

it’s very rare for him to quit ANYTHING. if he’s committed, he’ll be in it until it comes to a natural end or just forever

NATE

an actual clean freak. he hates mess.

he doesn’t know if imogen is/was his first love but he definitely considers her his soulmate

when he falls for someone, he falls HARD and will definitely give up some of his own values or change to impress somebody

he has a lot of opinions and ideas but finds it hard to articulate them, he’s always found it easier to fall into the ‘hot guy’ trope and it’s got him far enough so he can’t complain

he’s lowkey into zodiac signs and astrology but wouldn’t ever outwardly show it

he’s VERY domestic; cooking, cleaning handy-work etc. are all strong points of his. it’s rare you’ll find any space he’s living in a mess

he’s a romantic but quietly. the amount of time he spends thinking about dating/his love life/his future wife/kids scares him sometimes

if he shouts, he’s not even that mad. when he gives up and just let’s someone go off/or he walks off, that’s usually when he’s hit rock bottom with someone

big hero 6 is his favourite movie but he says black panther because it’s more acceptable to most LOL

he suffers with health anxiety; not working out properly, or eating too much junk food will send him on a weird spiral where he’s hard on himself for months

he always smells good. always.

he doesn’t like people who act dumb for attention, it’s probably his pet peeve

his harry potter house is slytherin, i took the test for him.

he loves all of his sisters but is definitely the closest to evie, it may have something to do with them being the youngest of the 5.

the thought of having to play any board game upsets him a lot

if he sleeps over at anybody’s house, he has to bring his own pillow. most people who know him have just accepted it

even now he’s older, his parents are very much his parents - he hasn’t got that friendly vibe some people get with their parents once they pass 20.

he’s a pretty good chameleon. he can shift and change depending on the crowd he’s with without being too obvious

#dallas musings #mason musings #nate musings

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semiconducting · 3 years

Text

just reflecting on some personal growth stuff from last year !

im actually. genuinely okay. like i think im starting this year feeling okay! which is atypical.

i think i can attribute it to the enormous amount of work id put into myself over the past year...i remember one year ago being extraordinarily depressed and really just. high strung? incredibly anxious but exhausted. and i fell down a descent slowly from not eating, to getting really irritable and not handling conflicts with friends well, to actively self harming again, to the point where i remembered sitting in a coffee shop with one of my friends and saying out loud that i need to go to therapy. and that i was going to talk to a mutual friend of ours about how the therapy services on campus are. which was a huge step for me! ive always had trust issues with therapy services since i was 12 for reasons i wont go into, but im sure you can gather the point of.

and then, literally the next day after saying that, got news about campus shutting down because of the virus.

and i made all of the effort possible to reach out to my friends and get things figured out to weather the storm because i KNEW shit was going to get bad if i didnt. but only one of my friends was really keeping up, and thats because he and i do homework together so we were already in a rhythm of talking every single week no matter what. and thats not to say that im ungrateful for him or the fact that even still he was there for me while i was going through hell, i have this thing about Not Putting All My Problems On And Confiding In One Person And One Person Only. so i withdrew, i stopped talking to everyone, i stopped logging into my classes, i didnt do any homework, i didnt lead my workshops, didnt hold office hours...i was just wallowing in my own misery

and i made plans to kill myself. and thats like, i mean i could say that several dozen times over the course of a year since i was like 12, but i mean a legitimate walkthrough plan. had my hiking bag packed with everything i was going to use, decided where i was going to, and was going to prep myself for it. wrote drafts and drafts of suicide notes until i decided just leaving the contact info of people who needed to know asap was all i was going to leave. in addition to sticky notes on some stuff in my room for what needed to be returned to who, or if something should go to someone in particular...

and i acted as normally as i could around my housemates. attributed my not leaving my room much to being busy with classes. i have a rule to myself to always sleep at least one night before killing myself because if im really serious about going through with it it can always wait one day. this time i decided i was going to clean my room and leave it as pristine as possible. the last thing i had to do was a load of laundry, and then i was going to do it.

and then someone from campus showed up at my door. because one of my professors filed a report and i hadnt responded to any of the emails id received checking in on me.

so i readjusted. caught up on my schoolwork, just barely finished the semester and definitely didnt do it strong or well (god bless the pass/fail option bc of covid LOL), but i did it nonetheless. went home, started my internship, had a miserably mundane summer.

i grew bitter and apathetic. i was angry at my friends for not being responsive when i reached out to them to talk or hang out or do anything. i got tired of dealing with it. i was tired of feeling alone and like no one gave a shit about me except for when it was convenient for them. i decided that i wasnt going to deal with people who werent willing to put any effort into me, so i stopped talking to everyone and kept up with people who were willing to reach out after the fact.

it’s definitely not the best approach. it’s really unforgiving and it doesn’t give people a lot of benefit of the doubt, but i think it was necessary in some respect. i didn’t have any criteria for how people needed to reach out, or how long after, or whatever, just that they did. really needed people in my life who are willing to communicate with me. i was honest with how i was feeling and why i did things if they did, apologized for the shitty approach, thanked them for still being willing to talk to me, and worked out the best way for both of us to keep things going.

over the months i dont think i really regret the decision, because it’s been a weight off my shoulders. i feel a lot better. i’m far more okay with where i stand in all of my friends’ lives, even if that’s not as a priority and even if that’s as just someone to talk to and catch up with like a couple times a year. it took a bit for it to pay off but it’s nice to take a look at people i was putting far too much work into and upon reflection realizing that they only interacted with me when they needed something from me, and not for me as a person. i think there are still people where there are loose ends and i think i may try reaching out myself to tie those up at some point, whenever i have the energy and clarity of mind for it. but i guess at the end of the day i just decided that people who weren’t willing to communicate weren’t worth the time. i’m okay if that communication means i need to be the one to initiate conversations even! i just need to know that.

but yeah. i came back to ny and started the semester totally apathetic and angry. i was so fucking depressed and bored with everything even if i was keeping myself incredibly busy. the only thing that i found rewarding (and what was just barely keeping me going) was leading my workshop for the intro optics class.

and then a friend -- the same friend i was at the coffee shop with -- reached out to catch up. and i was honestly really bitter and angry with him and was prepping myself to start listing out issues that i hadnt been able to address with him beforehand (side note, while telling friends the issues you have with them is important, listing shit out all at once is hardly ever a good approach especially without warning LOL) but ended up...just having a calming and comfortable conversation about what was going on in our lives since we last saw each other.

n later that day i ended up reaching out to an old friend that i had been meaning to catch up with because we fell out of contact, but had just barely been trying to start talking again in the months before this but had kept missing opportunities to properly converse. but we talked again, and we set up a day to hike and catch up.

and he comes to my house and picks me up. and i get in his car. and its like, holy shit, its been almost a year since ive seen you. and we hugged. and just started to catch each other up on the mess that had been our lives since we’d actively been in contact. we hiked, he told me about the books he wanted to write, we talked about people we knew, we talked about politics, we talked about school, we talked about life, and it was just as comfortable as if not a day had passed...even though it was obvious that he and i were both changed people over the past year. nothing about our friendship was any different though.

we resolved to hanging out with each other every week. decided we both needed the interaction, appreciated having each other around, and had a nice overlap of free time in the week that worked well. friday nights unless otherwise specified.

it was totally unexpected. he’d always been a great friend to me, but i never expected us to get as close as we did. neither did he. he’s probably the first person in my life (or at least in a very long time, and certainly the only person at the time) that i’d been so comfortable with that i practically had no boundaries around. none that needed to be addressed, anyway, because the only possible ones to throw up wouldn’t even come up (but of course, i constantly reassured that as soon as anything came up i would let him know because early on he kept asking sjhdkjfh).

he became something for me to look forward to in the week. towards the beginning he was a shoulder to lean on when i needed it and was willing to listen to things i hadn’t been able to tell anyone out loud. and he confided in me as well. it was comfortable. it was safe. it was a level of trust with vulnerability that i’d never shown anyone else.

but it wasnt even just that! it was fun! hes so fun. we could talk about everything and nothing, and hes one of the only people where i feel like i have to keep up with him in conversation instead of the other way around. we’d jump from topic to topic so much faster than either of us could think and it was all always so interesting. littered with humour that was just dumb and simple. i felt comfortable just being an idiot with him. i felt like i had nothing to prove.

for the past few years ive held to the sentiment that i like to hang around with people that make me a better person. but somehow, with him, its not that i felt like he made me a better person, but that he made me more myself. he saw who i was without any kind of fronts. and i always was afraid to show anyone that me because i always assumed that they would be depressing, loathsome, bitter, angry, and vicious.

but....i’m not. i learned that i’m incredibly loving. that i’d do fuckin anything to for my friends, but always in a way that was healthy and rewarding for both of us. i’m very light-hearted and my sense of humour is so stupid, but also very analytical and thoughtful. just a bit judgmental and pretentious, but always for things that people dont expect. totally open minded in discussions. an avid explorer, and a bit of a thrillseeker. and so, so, so affectionate.

i realized im. not as horrible as ive always made myself out to be. i accepted that i didnt need to punish myself for things beyond my control. i realized that i could believe people when they tell me that they enjoy my company, or appreciate things i do for them, or that they think i’m a worthwhile person to keep around.

its not that i dont have my flaws, its not that there arent things that i have to work on still. but maybe, at my core, i’m not actually motivated by spite, i’m not actually a hopeless pessimist, and that i’m not...broken. i’m not some secretly irredeemable monster.

and for a period of time i’ve been in a place where i could say i was genuinely...happy! and i don’t think i’ve ever been able to say that. i’ve certainly been made happy by doing things with friends in the past, i’ve been through periods where i’ve been okay with where i am at in life, but ever since i was like 12 (but probably even before that) i’d never been able to say that i was happy. it’s not that i wasn’t stressed, it’s not that things in my life were all going perfectly....but they didn’t define my mood. they didn’t define my view of myself. school, despite being the primary focus of my life, wasn’t dictating how i was feeling. even when things were agonizing and depressing because of school, i was still okay. i was incredibly stable.

and i owe that all to him being there for me. and hardly any of these things were anything that he was really directly responsible for, like its not that he sat there and just constantly showered me in reassurance and praise or anything that changed how i view myself...it was just having his company. it was just being able to sit there and listen to him go on about some totally random thing that he was exceptionally knowledgeable about. it was exploring caves and climbing hills. it was cooking together. it was talking about science. it was talking about love. it was talking about music. it was just having a consistent presence in my life, someone that treated me like a priority but never at the expense of himself, and someone i didn’t have to walk on any kind of eggshells around. it was someone who trusted me and respected me not by anything id done to warrant it, but just because of who i was.

it was a reminder that i can take care of my own problems, that i just need to be a good presence in someone’s life and for them to be a good presence in mine.

but also that i can accept help from people who genuinely want to offer it! and that that help doesnt always have to be direct. that sometimes helping me means i get to do something nice for someone else LOL

it was everything i ever needed and i wasnt even looking for it. he meant the world to me and i was so, so thankful for the circumstances that led us here because i was so happy to have him in my life again. i was happy that we were able to get closer because we’d only been able to interact in professional environments before.

and then i realized i was in love. and i had a sexuality crisis. but i didn’t recognize it until i fell hard because it was a different kind of love than i’ve felt for anyone before. it was intense but entirely too comfortable. but i knew that i cared about him, and that he cared about me, and that i really didn’t need anything about our friendship to change but that it had potential to be something even greater than it was.

and i resolved to tell him about it...until he told me first. and that moment was, as cheesey as it sounds, nothing less than magical. we were both so happy and giggly and it was so sweet and warm and i dont know if im ever going to be able to recreate that feeling because it was just so particular, so specific to being something between me and him. its not that i cant love anyone else as strongly or be as happy as i was necessarily, but it’ll never be that same kind of feeling.

but things happened. things got complicated. i think he panicked. and then things that happened just felt so dirty and hollow and dark. he hurt me really, really, really badly, and it managed to happen in the span of four days.

and i’ve spent the last <2 weeks dealing with it. i think he’s dealing with it in his own ways, but realistically i don’t know how because i havent seen him since christmas eve, and we were both definitely not being completely genuine that day. was at his house for a small family party and he and i were the only ones who knew what happened. it was too soon to have healed from it any, but we couldnt exactly be honest about it then either.

and im doing better. im genuinely okay now. and, interestingly, i think i owe it to the past few months of hanging out with him and how ive been able to come to terms with a lot of things about myself. ive been able to show myself compassion. its really ironic.

its a situation where i was desperately trying to throw blame onto myself for, because if i could then i could punish myself for it and use it to fuel that deep rooted self hatred and then i could fix it, because i’d be the one responsible for fixing it. but, and i’ve talked to quite a few friends about it trying to figure out who to confide in about it, everyone who knows about it insists that i cant blame myself for it. theres not a thing about the situation that i can blame myself for. and its so fucking weird, because i cant bring myself to fully blame him for it either, just because it was so ABSURDLY out of character that it doesnt feel like it was anything he could have done to me. it was a boundary that i wasnt ever supposed to worry about him crossing, because he’s just not that kind of person.

and it’s the type of situation that you’re supposed to totally be willing to cut someone off for but...i can’t. he’s genuinely remorseful and i think he doesn’t really know how to deal with it either. and despite it being a massive fuck up its still like...the first fuck up in our friendship from either of us. and i’m willing to see this through. i think it’s salvageable, even if it’ll never be the same as it was. i have faith in our friendship. i think we can make it work.

but no matter what happens. i owe him more than i’ll ever be able to repay him for. and i’ll never, ever be able to hate him because of that. i’m in a much, much better place because of him and for that i’ll always be thankful.

#shut up mega #this ended up being longer and more in depth abt the earlier half of the year than i meant it LOL #a summary of my 2020 i spose #also there's some kinda detailed talk of #suicide ment -#self harm ment -#IM CRYING AFTER WRITING THIS OUT LMAOOOO

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ukhaepjm · 4 years

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the struggles of this intp (and how she thinks she's dysfunctional)

when hollywood undead sang i know i'm no good but my heart beats true i really felt that.

i've been hearing a playlist i created years ago in which i added the most depressive songs of this band. all along the years whenever i felt bad i put them on loop. i had too many existential crisis while i blasted them through my ears and still there's always comfort and understanding in the lyrics.

i felt miserable through the years, at this point i could say i was able to recover but still i'm living a meaningless life. i got used to feeling shameful and guilty. i'm remembering the last year, which can be marked as the worst year in my life, as my mind continues on asking myself whether i'm a good or bad person.

overall, all i could figure out until now is i may be dysfunctional. i can't recognize what i'm feeling, i question if i do the things bc i really feel them or because i have to. i ask way too much about how should i feel cause i can't seem to figure that by myself. i can recognize pain and also anger but wrath and rage are more difficult. happiness is difficult cause i don't feel anything on a daily basis. i'm unable to differentiate between anxiety and stress cause the only thing i know is i get a horrible dyspnea (which is something i've discovered throughout last year and this year). i've been dealing with derealization/depersonalization, either one or the other cause i've realized i'm unable to differentiate between them.

pain, as well as guilty and shame are the emotions i can easily recognize in myself. and guess happiness should be like not feeling those emotions? idk cause i don't really think i've felt happy a lot in my life. and i struggle when it comes to be empathy cause i don't i'm empathetic and i have to watch how the people around me is behaving to find out what to do.

this is pretty uncomfortable cause someday i won't be able to ask anyone about how should i feel (particularly my sister). not to mention my social life is like a shit which in fact is not something that bothers me cause i don't care but i don't know if this should concern me. anyways, i've been feeling a shame cause ya know i lost my best friend which has made me think everything was my fault. also i'm kinda scared to talk to her to apologize cause i don't want her to laugh about it. gonna lose my dignity but never the respect.

if that wasn't enough, i struggle a lot with my gender and sexuality. i neither feel a men nor a woman and i get dysphoria cause my sexual characteristics. i don't feel like a woman but i don't wanna be a men. sometimes i get anxious about the fact that i have boobs but i'm okay with having a vagina. the same goes for my sexuality, i've been tagging myself as bisexual but i discovered that for me it wasn't a sexual attraction but a romantic one. i'm not sexually attracted to anyone, i'm not interested on having sex neither with a man nor a women. anyways, this may vary cause i haven't had sex yet and i'm scared about it lmao cause i'm ashamed of my body. which is another problem too.

i got too many complexes about my body, particularly when it comes to my belly. still i struggle with periods of restrictive eating habits and periods of binge eating. at this point i'm not caring about my weigh that much so i'm not eating like so well (aka i'm skipping meals, eating poorly or eating a lot depends on the mood). but we'll see cause summer is about to start and i've gained weight. i still have this habit of hiding what i don't like (aka hiding my belly lmao what a shame) and constantly checking my body in any reflecting surface. i try to not take account of what i eat to prevent myself getting again in the cycle of yearning to lose weight and actually not being able to stop it (which in fact scares me cause the last time i entered one of this cycle was pretty difficult to get out but anyways)

anyways, i'm gonna die alone (if i don't kill myself before or any undiscovered serious illness kill me) there will be a point in which every person will discover the shit i am and they'll hate me. also i miss my psychologist cause she gave me good advice always and i actually could talk about myself without being judged lmao. anyways, i have a final tomorrow which i haven't studied for so i'm failing it and i don't seem to care about it lmao i'm gonna cry. i would say my life's going dOwNhIlL but my life is actually devastation at its peak lmao.

i would say this is an mbti post but actually this is kinda a rant about how fucking tired i'm of this life and how much i want to get rid of my problems.

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camimcndcs · 4 years

Text

two tiny hands, a pair of eyes

TAGGING: KJ @itskjapa, Cami.

LOCATION: Vancouver, BC.

TIMEFRAME: October 7th, 2020.

NOTES: Talia Lua Apa is born.

Cami: Today was going to the day, she could just feel it. Camila had reached her due date and woken up to KJ’s lips brushing against her cheek as he headed out for work. With her due date looming in the air, she’d stopped working mid-week last week and had been spending her time preparing for their daughter’s arrival. When Camila finally left the comfort of her bed an hour later to eat something she felt a tightness in her belly that seemed more painful than the Braxton Hicks she’d been experiencing for the last couple of days. Reaching for her phone, Camila called her mom, asking her to come upstairs to help her figure out what was going on. Another contraction hit about 10 minutes later when her mom and Tessa walked through the door of her apartment. Once she had finished her breakfast, Camila took a quick shower and then sat on an exercise ball after getting herself dressed. Just as she sat down on the exercise ball, she felt liquid trickling down her leg. “I think my water just broke,” she exclaimed, almost instantly feeling the pain stretching from her back to her stomach as a contraction took over her body. “Can one of you call Kaje?” she asked, closing her eyes and practicing her breathing as she carefully held her stomach. The look on Tessa’s face after she had tried his phone a few times told Camila everything she needed to know. It was likely he was filming a scene and didn’t have access to his cell which was unfortunate. Luckily, Timena and her girlfriend had joined him on set today, so there was someone else they could call with a direct line to KJ. Once they reached Timena, her contractions seemed to be getting closer and closer together and intensifying. The whole process seemed to be picking up speed. Once KJ’s mom explained everything to her daughter, she was off to find her brother and pull him off of the set. She promised they’d call so Camila could talk to him once they got to the car where they would be driven off of the set. It was going to take them at least an hour to get to the hospital, so Camila wasn’t really in much of a rush, but it seemed Talia had other plans. Another contraction ripped through her tiny body causing Camila to reach out for her mom, tears springing into her eyes due to the pain and her fiancé being an hour away from her. “Take a deep breath, meu amor, it’s all going to be okay,” her mother reassured her, rubbing her daughter’s lower back. “He’ll call once he’s on his way,” Tessa added, smiling softly at her future daughter-in-law.

KJ: Despite everything he had read on the pregnancy, nothing had been able to prepare KJ regarding the tense days leading up to the arrival of their daughter. His efforts to make Camila feel better seemed to be in vain, no matter how much she tried to reassure him -- witnessing her being this uncomfortable had been taking its toll on him as well. He could only ponder on the way she actually felt herself, although it was quite clear the one thing she wanted was to reach that long awaited day. Like each morning, he had quietly gotten through his usual routine before softly kissing her goodbye; something she had insisted upon a long time ago. She was constantly tired these days, but always needed to be made aware when he left their home. Meeting up with his sister and her girlfriend in front of the studio, he took them on a quick tour of the new sets they had built for the season and directed them to his trailer when the time had come for him to get ready -- going through the usual makeup necessities before putting on the clothes he had done a fitting for the previous day. Never failing to be his joyful self and entertain the crew even under such grueling circumstances. A few takes later as a brand new Archie Andrews handling a fire station, he slowly made his way back to Timena only to see her rush toward him at full speed; phone in hand and an anxious expression crossing her features. "What's going on?" he questioned, halting his motions as fear gripped him -- a sensation deep inside of his being screaming that something had surely happened with Camila. The words his sister uttered were barely registered, though quite enough to realize he needed to leave right now. Which is what he did without looking back, the sound of steps following close and explaining the situation to the people they encountered. Timena had enough common sense to not allow him to drive, forcing his eager self to the passenger seat and throwing the phone in his lap. "Fuck, fuck, fuck." he muttered under his breath, fingers trembling as they brushed against the screen. They had talked about this moment so many times, but they had never expected it to happen this way. Even if the possibility had often been brought up. "It's me-- I, yes. Please, let me talk to her." KJ knew his fiancée was surely in a stressful state and he willed himself to calm down so he could comfort her -- even as they were so far away from one another. "Hey, baby. Looks like our little girl is ready to be with us, aye. Should have known she was going to be a pain like her mum." Making a joke was his default mode, though he also hoped this would perhaps be able to distract her.

Cami: When Tessa’s phone rang ten minutes later, Camila was breathing through another contraction from the front seat of the car. She’d had another one as they made their way down to the car and it had stopped her in the lobby. Both of their dads were going to meet them once she got checked in just so it wasn’t too overwhelming. She loved her parent and future in laws, but having all four of them worrying about her in close quarters with KJ forty minutes away would’ve stressed her out. Pressing the phone up to her ear, she willed herself not to cry as the sweet voice of her fiancé filled her ear. “Hi, babe,” she whispered, her free hand resting on her stomach in a protective way. “Yeah, a real pain,” she breathed out, giggling at his teasing remark. Normally she would make a stink about him teasing her, but right now she was thankful for the nice distraction. “We just got into the car and we’re on our way to the hospital, so you’ll just meet us there, right?” she asked, looking out the window to calm herself down. “I love you, I’m okay, it hurts, but I’ll be okay,” she whispered, watching the people and buildings that passed them by before another contraction hit. She could hear a hint of stress in KJ’s voice, but she needed him to remain calm for her and for his sister who was currently navigating the roads to bring him safely to her. “Don’t give Timena a hard time, you’ll be at the hospital before you know it and I need you in one piece,” she said sternly. She was about to say a quick goodbye when another contraction ripped through her body making it almost impossible for her to speak. Camila closed her eyes and practiced her breathing, feeling bad that KJ had to hear her in pain over the phone when he couldn’t get to her. “I love you, baby, I’ll see you soon,” she breathed out as the contraction ended. Camila made kissy noises into the phone before handing it back to his mom in the backseat who reassured her son that his future wife was in good hands and would be okay.

KJ: The sound of her voice appeased him and increased his anxiousness all at once. Simply being able to hear it was quite enough for relief to wash over his body, eyes fluttering closed as he imagined for a brief second that she was within distance -- giving him the strength to sit still and not urge his sister to press her foot harder on the pedal. She seemed to be going too slow for his liking, but KJ knew deep down Timena was doing her best. At the same time, he was unable to not take notice of the light tremor in her voice that she disguised as soon. Surely for his sake. Perharps for her own too. He was willing to play along, especially since they wouldn't be able to see one another for at least a good forty minutes. "Of course, baby. Right now I just gotta deal with being in this car." he uttered with a harsh chuckle following suit, the frustration present despite the playful tone of their conversation. But he was quick to brush it off. "Mine would totally be out there like the flash, aye." The redhead barked out a laugh when his fiancée still found it in herself to reprimand him regarding the comment he had made on his sister's driving skills; the first genuine smile ever since he had stepped into the vehicle painting itself on his lips. A short lived moment when he heard through the speaker the current pain filling her. How he wished time could be toyed with so he could be by her side right now. "I love you. Be there before you know it, I promise." After what had felt like a lifetime, and thus an empty promise, the hospital came into view -- the car hadn't even fully come to a stop that he had rushed in the direction of the sliding doors. The harsh beating of his heart thumping in his ears. He was caught off guard by his mother as he reached the front desk, dragging him in a tight embrace before she quickly led him toward Camila's room. At least she wasn't awkwardly waiting on some chair for someone to take care of her. "How is she? Good? What did I miss?"

Cami: Once they arrived at the hospital a nurse quickly checked Camila over and got her checked into a private birthing suite. She was making her way to the bathroom in the suite to change into the hospital gown they had given her when she heard KJ entering the room with his mom. “Baby! You’re here!” she exclaimed, reaching her arms out to him as he made his way over to hug her as tightly as he could with her belly getting in the way. “I’m so much better now that you’re here,” she whispered, pulling back from his embrace to grip his hands. “Would you help me get this hospital gown on?” she asked, dragging him towards the bathroom with her. Once they were inside she shut the door and lifted her arms so he could get his own t-shirt off of her body. She hadn’t even worn a bra because she hadn’t seen the point. Camila caught sight of herself in the mirror and smiled, “I can’t believe we’re going to get to meet her today,” she whispered, tears welling up in her eyes as she looked at KJ. He helped her out of her leggings and underwear, moving onto getting the gown on her when another contraction ripped through her body. “Fuck,” she cried out, gripping her fiancé’s shoulders as she bent over. His hands moved from her waist to her back as she did her best to breathe through it. This was the first real contraction he was experiencing in person and part of her wanted to assure him that she was okay, it just really hurt. After the minute-long contraction came to an end, she looked up at him with a smile. “They’re going to see how dilated I am and then someone should be by for the epidural,” she said, turning around so he could tie the gown in the back. They then exited the bathroom and the redhead helped her into the hospital bed. A few more minutes passed and a nurse arrived to see how dilated she was. "You're at 4 centimeters, only 6 more to go," she explained with a smile adding that she'd go get the anesthesiologist if Camila wanted an epidural which she nodded in response to.

KJ: A string of questions were thrown at his mother on their way to the room Camila had been checked into -- the worry making him act like an addict who was eager to get his fix. The little voice in the back of his mind finally gave him peace when his brown eyes settled on his fiancée, a content sigh tumbling from his mouth when they both found solace with one another. "I'm here." he repeated, his voice quiet but firm, to reassure her of that fact. He had been so scared to not make it in time, to not be present for her just like she had been needing him to; and not having the joy to witness his daughter making her big debut into this world. With a nod, he followed Camila to the bathroom and carefully helped her out of the t-shirt she had been wearing -- the one that was supposedly his but she wore more than he ever did -- trying not to stare too hard at the bump that would soon disappear. "Our little angel." The emotion filling her eyes was matched in his own, a small grin etched on his features as he stared at the woman who had changed his life. Still so in awe of her person and the strength she exuded on the daily. The brunette slowly resumed his motions, getting rid of the rest of the clothes and wrapping her into the gown -- the powerful contraction that followed urging him closer. There was not much he could do, despite the need to, but he stood by her side and forced himself to be the kind of support system she was seeking. Swallowing his own fears and concerns. Time had slowed down, or at least it felt as such for KJ as they waited in the room afterward, the nurse coming along explaining how things would unfold. "How long does that usually take?" he questioned when she announced how many centimeters were left in order for them to proceed. "I know not everyone's the same, aye. But you could probably like give us an idea." His hold on Camila's hand tightened slightly as he looked her way with a small smile, reassuring her once more of his presence.

Cami: Watching the nurse’s face as KJ questioned how long it would take for Camila to get to 10 centimeters, she knew there was no real answer. Not even an idea of an answer to appease the redhead. “I’m afraid it’s hard to tell, some women progress rather quickly and for some, it can take hours,” she explained. “The anesthesiologist will be by soon and then I’ll be back in to check on how you’re progressing, in the meantime, you could try walking around the room to maybe speed up the process” she added with a soft smile, leaving the couple and her mother alone again. KJ’s hand was wrapped tight around her own and she brought it up to her mouth to press a kiss to it. “She’ll get here when she gets here, baby, there’s not much we can do about it,” she whispered, feeling surprisingly calm for the first time since her water had broken. Another contraction came and her hands tightened around her stomach, once it passed through her she lay back in the bed, taking a few deep breaths. “Is Papi on his way?” she asked her mother, hoping to distract herself from the pain. Her mother nodded, explaining he was on his way with KJ’s father and once she got the epidural they could each visit her one by one if she wanted them to. “Let’s try walking around the room while we wait,” she suggested, pushing herself up and taking KJ’s hands to guide herself off the bed. She knew that there wouldn’t be much walking happening after the epidural and at that point, she might want to take a nap, so this was the time to get up and active. Holding on tight to KJ’s hand and arm they slowly began to walk around the room as Camila practiced her breathing in between contractions as well as during them. They walked around for a good 20 minutes or so, pausing only when she would experience a contraction. The anesthesiologist still hadn’t come for the epidural so her mom went to go get her some water to drink which left the couple alone for the first time since he’d kissed her goodbye this morning.

KJ: There was an obvious disappointed expression painting itself on his face as the doctor gave him the kind of answer he had clearly not been waiting for -- yet had expected in some way. KJ had been a dutiful pupil during the pregnancy, reading carefully through the one book Camila had gotten for him as a present and she had swore would be easy enough for him to retain the most important information. Right as always, of course. But he had hoped their doctor could give them an inkling of the time they might have to spend in this room; she knew them better than a book that was bound to generalize most situations. He simply nodded to acknowledge the words she had uttered before directing his attention toward his fiancée once more when she addressed him. "I know, babe. It was worth a try though, aye." he chuckled with a sheepish smile before helping her out when it became clear she needed to do more than just lay around -- at least until the anesthesiologist would come along for the epidural. Thankfully the room was spacious enough for them to make long strides and not feel as if they were lions trapped in a cage. As her mother left minutes later in order to get Camila a bottle of water, the redhead leaned his body against the nearest wall; allowing his fiancée to rest her heavy frame upon his strong one. They had been pacing this space for over twenty minutes now and with how stressful the morning had been, they both deserved a little break. "Remember sex is pretty damn efficient, babe. I'd take you right now-- like this. Ain't ever seen you this sexy." he teased with a smirk tugging at the corners of his mouth, his fingers tucking a damp strand of hair behind her ear while his thumb grazed along the pink tint adorning her cheek. "Ask me to get you preggo again. I betcha you're gonna want me to avoid cumming inside of you for a while." A soft laugh flew past his lips as he tilted her head to look into her eyes. Needing to see her smile in this moment.

Cami: As KJ leaned his body against the nearest wall, allowing Camila the chance to lean into him. The laugh that flew from her lips at his words was a welcomed sound in the space that they occupied. It felt good to laugh after the stress of the morning. “Sorry to disappoint, babe, but I think that window of opportunity has been closed. I appreciate you calling me sexy though,” she whispered, closing her eyes as he tucked a damp strand of hair behind her ear and let his thumb graze against her cheek. “We’re not having any more babies anytime soon,” she giggled again this time the smile on her face grew as he tilted her head to look into his eyes. “You’re crazy, Keneti,” she breathed out, gasping slightly as another contraction had her almost doubling over in front of him. “Fuck,” she called out, moaning in pain in response to the tightening in her stomach. “I need that epidural,” she whined, burying her face in her fiancé’s neck as her mother reentered the room. “I just spoke with the anesthesiologist in the hall, he’ll be right in,” the older woman spoke in a calming tone which was just what Camila needed right now. “You should keep walking around until he’s here because you won’t really be allowed out of bed after they give you the epidural,” her mother added, flashing a sympathetic smile KJ’s way. Camila gripped his hand and continued to pace the floor of the birthing suite. 10 minutes and one contraction later, a middle-aged man entered the room ready to administer the epidural. Making her way to the bed with KJ’s help, she pressed a quick kiss to his lips before they wheeled her off to the labor and delivery room down the hall. KJ followed beside her and her mom was behind them carrying Camila’s hospital bag. Once they were settled in the new room, the raven-haired girl sat straight up so they could put the epidural into her spine. She winced at the feeling of the needle, but other than that it was mostly painless in her opinion. The doctor explained that it would take about 20 minutes for the full effect to set in, but she should be good to go. Camila thanked him before laying back in the bed to help herself relax.

KJ: It was without a doubt the best view he had gotten to witness all day, aside from very early that same morning when he had kissed Camila goodbye and her tired self had mumbled the three words that never failed to make his heart skip a beat. Seeing her smile at him right now, along with the laugh she had graced him with, almost made him forget exactly why they were here in the first place. "Damn. Can't believe I passed right by that window and didn't jump in." he muttered with an exaggerated frown, unable to hide the amusement still etched on his features. But like a blink of an eye, the sweet moment was cut short when another contraction hit her like a bowling strike -- fast and sharp. He was quick to hold her closer than previously, the hand lingering on the small of her back gently massaging the naked flesh he was able to get in contact with through the gown she was wearing. "It's gonna be fine, babe. You've heard your mum, aye. He'll be there soon and then things will be so much better." It all seemed rather futile as the words tumbled from his mouth in a comforting manner, but his fiancée seemed to appreciate them nonetheless. As another person stepped into the room after a dozen more back and forth strides, KJ carefully watched the way he attended to Camila -- staying alert in case she needed him to intervene. It somehow made him feel useful, to know there was a possibility she might need him for something. Anything. "Do you want a magazine? I could like check if they've got Cosmo or whatever other girly shit you like to read." he suggested, having caught sight of a kiosk ealier in the hallway they had gone through. "I was thinking of getting something for myself and your mum will be right here-- plus I ain't going far. You'll see me come back running to see firsthand your drugged self." He chuckled softly, the sound too contagious for her to resist. Just as he had planned. "Or I can stay with you. Tell me what you need, baby and it's yours."

Cami: The epidural was already starting to slowly settle into her system as soon as the doctor left the room. Camila couldn’t help the lazy smile she sent KJ’s way at his suggestion to find a magazine to help occupy her time. She stifled a yawn as he chuckled. “I might end up taking a nap, since I sure as hell won’t be sleeping during delivery,” she giggled, reaching out her hand to give his a squeeze. “Go find yourself something to eat and check in with our family,” she added with a smile, even though they weren’t all officially family just yet it felt like they’d all been one big happy family since the moment he’d asked her to be his wife and they’d found out she was pregnant. Camila was hopeful that after a nap, she’d be farther along in dilation and they could get Rachel, Lili, and Cole over to the hospital before Talia’s arrival. Now that her contractions were less intense thanks to the epidural, she’d be able to sleep for at least a couple of hours. Camila pulled his hand to her mouth, pressing a kiss to his knuckles before sending him on his way to get some food in his system and to check in with their family. Her mom appeared in the seat he had occupied, running her fingers through her daughter's hair and singing to her in a whisper just like she had when the raven-haired girl was a child and she’d woken up from a bad dream. Camila drifted off, scooting closer to one side of the bed so KJ could slide in behind her when he got back. Before they knew it, Talia would be gracing them with her presence and their whole worlds would be turned completely upside down. In these final quiet moments of their world being mainly the two of them, she wanted him as close to her as possible.

KJ: Two sandwiches and a couple of snacks later, KJ had made his way back to Camila as quietly as possible — sliding in the bed she was laying upon with his hand instinctively settling on her belly. The months had passed them by and everything had seemed more real during that time, but not as much as in this moment. They were going to have a baby. A little human being who would seek their attention in a way nothing else ever had before; someone who was going to count on them no matter what. “Did you see your dad? He was looking for you.“ Lifting his head as the words reached his ears, he smiled at Camila’s mom and nodded, having seen the older male previously while he had been devouring a sandwich. “They went home to get me a change of clothes— I’m just not sure I’ll have time for that.“ The redhead was after all still dressed as Archie Andrews, but it was the least of his worries. His primary focus was Camila and their daughter — not the fact that this could literally be a scene taken straight out of an episode of Riverdale. A knock on the door made him jump slightly and carefully extracting himself from the embrace he was in, KJ got on his feet only to be greeted by the nurse that had been assigned to them and was nice enough to allow him to properly wake his fiancée up from her nap. “Hey, baby. The nurse is back.“ he whispered softly as he hovered above the bed, gently massaging her scalp and smiling when her eyes fluttered open — meeting his own tiredly. As they waited while she checked how dilated Camila was by now, hands clasped together tightly, he raised his eyebrows when she looked back at them with a wide grin; keeping quiet for a handful of seconds that seemed ever lasting. “Ready to have this baby?“ He scoffed lightly at the words, more surprised than anything before a grin of his own found place on his features. Brown eyes skimming back to Camila in acknowledgement of what was currently happening. This was it. The moment they had been waiting for. “Ready.”

Cami: She’d slept for at least two hours and it was now mid-afternoon. Waking up to the gentle sound of KJ’s voice brought a tired smile to her face. Camila felt his fingers gently massaging her scalp which relaxed her even more, but she perked up a bit when his words reached her brain. Sitting up in the bed, Camila moved her legs so the nurse could see how dilated she was now that she had slept for a couple of hours, clutching KJ’s hand tightly in anticipation. What the nurse revealed to them wasn’t what she had been expecting. The raven-haired girl had assumed the laboring process would’ve last longer, but to her surprise the nurse was grinning at the both of them and asking if they were ready to have this baby. A look of panic washed over Camila’s face as she sought out her mom. “It’s now or never meu amor,” she whispered, joining them at her side. Her face found KJ’s in that moment — dressed head to toe like Archie Andrews which made her laugh, her eyes sought out his and she nodded her head. “Ready,” she breathed out at the same time as the word fell from his lips. The nurse paged the doctor and other team members that would be helping in the delivery process. Tears formed in Camila’s eyes as she looked from her mom to her fiancé, “We’re going to meet our baby girl,” she whispered as they transitioned the bed into a birthing bed by removing the end. The doctor explained that they would try some practice pushes before the real thing, stating that when it was time they’d count to 10 during each push so she knew when to stop and taken a break. Camila’s mom propped up one of her legs as a nurse took the other. KJ stood right up by her head, holding her hand next to the nurse who had a hold of her leg. After a few practice pushes the doctor informed them it was time to begin. “When you feel a contraction you need to push, Cami,” she explained with a smile. Camila nodded her head and focused in on her breathing, gripping the sheet of the bed as she felt a contraction, bearing down with all of her strength as they encouraged her to push.

KJ: The emotions surrounding them took the best of him, tears pooling in his eyes as he leaned forward to press his forehead against the side of her head -- breathing in the comforting scent of the perfume she hadn't failed to put on despite the events of the day. KJ couldn't help but chuckle softly as it invaded his nostrils, appeasing him better than any medicine or pep talk ever could. There were many things that he wanted to say, but most of the words were caught up in his throat and unable to come out. Which is why he settled for simply being quiet and listening intently to the new people that had stepped into the room. He watched anxiously as everything started to unfold before his gaze; regrettably letting go of Camila's hand when the nurse moved his way but quickly reaching out for her once more as soon as she was in place. The hold on her hand strong and firm -- giving her all the support and strength she needed to give birth to their daughter. First came what they had deemed as practice pushes, although he didn't truly understand the need for them in the first place. Still, he kept quiet regarding the matter and focused on his fiancée; gauging her reaction to every new command or motion. Acting like the bodyguard she clearly didn't need but would nonetheless do anything for her. The next contraction came along and it took everything in him to stay put by her side. She seemed to be in so much pain from one push that he couldn't imagine having to go through this a dozen more times in order for Talia's little frame to come out. "You're doing great, babe." he tentatively uttered in a shaky breath, being as lost as he looked on how to proceed. "She'll be there in no time, aye. Just a few more like this and that'll be it-- right?" The last word was directed at her mom as he seeked some kind of reassurance that would not only help Camila but himself. But all she offered him was a tilt of her head before she spoke to her daughter once more. Shit.

Cami: When preparing for this day, Camila had read that the pressure she’d feel building up down there would still be painful even with the epidural and that was for sure the case right now. Even after just one push, she felt completely exhausted. When the doctor had counted to ten she laid back on the bed, sweat already building up on her chest and forehead. Her mom wiped at her head with a damp washcloth, brushing her hair behind her ear to comfort her. KJ’s nervous tone almost made her cry, knowing how worried he was. But then she felt the overwhelming need to push again and she didn’t feel so bad for him anymore. Gripping the sheet again and squeezing her fiancé’s hand tight, Camila pushed as hard as she could, closing her eyes as if that would make it feel better. After ten minutes of pushing and laying back in the bed, exhausted, the doctor told her they were starting to see their daughters head. It felt like she’d been pushing forever, but it also seemed to be flying by. One of the nurses asked if she wanted a mirror to see her daughter coming out, they added that this might encourage her to push harder when it started to wear her out, as if it wasn’t wearing her out already. Camila nodded her head and they brought a full length mirror not a second later. When she felt the urge to push again, they were all cheering her on to start getting Talia’s head out, she could see exactly what was going on as she kept her eyes open through the pushing. “This sucks, this sucks, this sucks,” she cried out. “I just want to be done, I can’t do this...” she whined, looking from KJ to her mom. She laid back on the bed before they’d even gotten to ten, gripping KJ’s hand. When he tried to encourage her she just grumbled at him. “Fuck you, you did this to meeee...” she groaned.

KJ: The time spent in the room felt endless as they went through the same motions relentlessly in hopes of witnessing Talia's head making her way out. Soothing words and an iron grip were all KJ could offer currently -- his eyes venturing from the doctor to his fiancée each time there was another push. Hoping deep down this would be the one that would finally allow them to move forward. Unfortunately for Camila, the minutes passed them by without any break through. The exhaustion etched on her beautiful features breaking his heart. "It's okay, baby. It's okay, you can do this. I've got you." he whispered in a defeated tone despite his best efforts to appear hopeful regarding their situation. Though he mostly felt like a liar with each sentence that flew past his lips. After what had felt like an eternity, their daughter felt inclined to acknowledge the fact that people were awaiting her arrival and decided to grace them with the top of her head; something he was able to witness along with the rest when a mirror was placed before Camila's lower body; the sight leaving him speechless. The redhead was torn between being so amazed at being able to see this little bundle of joy on her way to them and the fact that he was actually looking at a baby coming out of a vagina. His baby though, and that alone made all the difference. "No, no-- you're too close, babe. You can't give up now, she's right here." he frantically told her when she felt like giving up, squeezing her hand tighter to share more of his strength. The answer he got regarding his encouraging words was not expected, but it left a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. With a sharp laugh, KJ leaned forward close to her ear in order to give them more privacy, even if he was quite aware anyone in the room could hear them anyway. "Fucking you won't help much right now, babe. But in six weeks..." he trailed off, pressing his lips against her cheek before seeking her gaze. "Let's welcome our daughter, aye."

Cami: The laugh that fell from her fiancé’s mouth after she had cursed at him almost had her shooting daggers his way before he was leaning down in an attempt to whisper something to her. “Keneti!” she exclaimed, glancing over to her mother who had definitely heard what he had to say. Camila couldn’t be mad at him though when he was pressing his lips against her cheek and laughing like an idiot. A quiet chuckle escaped her own lips before she got serious again, looking into his eyes with a look of determination on her face. “Yes, let’s welcome our daughter,” she repeated, taking a deep breath before bearing down once more with all of her might. “Almost there, Cami, one more big push and her head will be out,” the doctor explained. One look at the mirror was all the inspiration Camila needed to bear down once more when she felt the urge to push. Everyone was cheering her on and even though it hurt, she knew that there would only need to be about five more minutes of pain for a lifetime of happiness with their baby. As she fell back against the bed to catch her breath, she looked at KJ with the biggest smile on her face. “We’re going to meet our baby,” she whispered, squeezing his hand as he helped her take a sip from her cup of water. Just a few minutes later the doctor was explaining that she’d probably be able to get their baby out with one final push. Soon enough there would be a little tiny version of herself and KJ laying on her chest. The thought brought tears to her eyes as she leaned forward to push one last time. Letting out a groan as she felt and watched their baby emerge completely from her safe and warm home for the last nine months, into this bright new world. “Oh my god, oh my god,” she cried as the doctor pulled Talia up to show her off. “It’s a girl!” she exclaimed, handing the screaming baby to a nurse to place on Camila’s bare chest. “Kaje, it’s our baby…” she whispered, wrapping her arms around the tiny little human squirming around on her chest.

KJ: He couldn't explain where such bold words had come from when her mom was literally right next to them, but it had felt right in that moment -- as if it was exactly what he needed to say in order to bring Camila back onto the right track. The atmosphere surrounding them had been so heavy for too long, and they needed that little spark once more. It warmed his soul to see her chuckle once she had gotten over the fact that her mother was present and the determined look on her face was everything he had hoped for. A promise she wouldn't give up when their future was within reach. As he looked up and met his mother in law's gaze, a deep blush crept his neck and spread across his cheeks; the embarrassment finally getting to him. Though he rapidly directed his attention back to his fiancée and willed his mind to focus on the one thing that mattered the most. It was as if a new breath of life had surged through her as she pushed yet again; giving it her all until a powerful cry made the world stop altogether. The redhead could only look on as a tiny human being was held up, his heart hammering against his chest the way it usually did for the one person it was beating for. Never in his life had he seen such perfection -- seemingly so fragile and small as she was comfortably settled on Camila's chest. He was almost afraid of getting too close, of doing something that could hurt her in any way. "It's our baby." he finally breathed out as a tear came running down his cheek, others following suit before he wiped them away with a quiet laugh. "You've got one job, dad. Here-- take this." KJ was caught off guard by the nurse addressing him until he was holding the scissors in his hand, remembering what had to be done. Despite the nerves, the process was easy and quick -- soon enough all that was left was to properly greet their little girl. And he did just as such as he leaned forward and brushed his fingers over the dark hair on her head. "Welcome to the world, Talia Lua Apa."

Cami: Looking from KJ to the tiny human on her chest, Camila’s eyes flooded with tears as she watched one silent tear fall from the redhead's eyes, many more following suit. “Our baby…” she whispered, running her finger across their daughter's features, admiring everything about her. The look of pride on her fiancé’s face as he cut the cord made her heart swell and soon enough he was properly greeting their little angel. Hearing her full name out loud for the first time and watching as KJ brushed his fingers over the dark hair on her head, Camila felt completely on top of the world. Everything leading up to this moment had been worth it, it was truly the hardest thing Camila had ever done, but it had given her this precious life to take care of for the rest of her life. The raven-haired girl's mother had taken a step back to let the happy couple enjoy this special moment with their daughter, but she made her way back over once things seemed to have settled down. “Hey mama, meet your neta,” Camila whispered, using the Portuguese word for granddaughter to introduce the two. Watching her own mom reach out her hand to hold Talia’s little one made Camila’s heart soar even more. She could already tell that introducing Talia to their friends and family was going to be so exciting. A nurse reluctantly reappeared to interrupt the sweet moment, “The doctor needs to get your daughter cleaned up and you stitched up,” she explained to which Camila nodded her head and looked over at KJ as they took Talia from her chest. “I love you,” she whispered, puckering her lips so he would lean over for a kiss before following the nurses with Talia. Camila’s mother stayed by her side as the doctor checked for tearing and began to work on stitching her up explaining that the stitches would dissolve in one to two weeks.

KJ: There was nothing else in this world that mattered more as he kept on gently trailing his fingers along her scalp, marveling at just how soft and tiny she appeared to be. His hand almost as big as her little head. Love at first sight wasn't foreign to him -- it was only fitting that such event had happened with the two girls he was currently looking at. While Camila introduced Talia to her mother, he used his free hand to softly tuck the damp strands of hair behind her ear; the exhaustion still present on her features although there was an undeniable glow that widened the smile etched on his lips. Happiness had never looked so good on a person before. He was almost tempted to ask for more time together when the nurse came along to take Talia away, but held himself back from sounding too needy. They would get their moment soon enough, but that didn't mean he had to stay away altogether. Pulling back to follow them, he quickly looked back at his fiancée and gave her a firm nod -- a silent promise that he would make sure she was in good hands. "I love you." he whispered in kind, a lingering peck following suit before he left her side. It was with arms crossed, making his frame even more impressive, that the redhead kept watch over the numerous tasks the nurses were assigned to regarding his daughter; ignoring the teasing words thrown his way for taking this so seriously. Once he was certain she would find her way back to Camila, he swiftly walked out of the room and to the waiting area to find their loved ones either pacing or talking amongst themselves. "Waiting for someone?" he asked playfully, a deep chuckle rumbling in his throat as he was tackled from every side with so many questions. "Cami's good and the baby too. She's just-- beautiful, aye. So perfect." There was no shame in how smitten he already was and from the looks of it, despite not meeting her yet, they all felt the same way. "We're gonna take some time together first and then we'll come get you."

Cami: Watching as KJ followed the nurses, arms crossed, already being the most protective dad ever, Camila couldn’t help but smile. This was a role he was truly born to play and she was so thankful to have a part in it with him. The stitching up didn’t take too long and before she knew it, KJ had left to go announce Talia’s arrival to their friend and family in the waiting room while her mom also slipped out. The nurses placed Talia in a little baby bed and whisked both off them off to the birthing suite where Camila had been only a few hours before when her daughter was still inside of her and the world hadn’t looked as bright. Now there was this tiny little beaming light in her life that she swore to protect every day. Once they were settled in the room, a nurse placed Talia in Camila’s waiting arms letting her know that in an hour or so a lactation consultant would be in to help her nurse. The raven haired girl thanked her and then sat quietly with her daughter while they waited for KJ to return. She would’ve been lying if she’d said she wasn’t exhausted, but there was also this random burst of energy within her after that final push when their daughter had entered the world. Looking down at her daughter with tired eyes, she pressed a kiss to her smooth forehead, so thankful that she was finally here. When KJ entered the room, there was this look of pure love on his face that made her heart melt. “Look Tal, your daddy’s back,” she whispered, propping the baby up in her arms so her fiancé could get a good look at her. “I think it’s time he holds you in those big strong arms of his, what do you think baby girl?” she added with a smile, leaning forward to offer the little girl up into his arms and reaching for her phone at her bedside to take a video and some pictures.

KJ: After departing from the waiting area, KJ had stopped by the gift shop and gotten a small teddy bear that Talia could probably hold onto -- something that would watch over her just as much as her parents would. A souvenir of this memorable day that was her birth. Knuckles raking along the surface of the door when he reached the suite they had occupied earlier, he popped his head in with a bright grin; brown eyes settling on the heartfelt sight of Camila holding their daughter. "Missed me?" he asked, cocking an eyebrow playfully before slowly separating the distance between them. The bear hidden behind his back. Daddy. The word had been used in many different circumstances that were far from innocent, but right now it had another meaning altogether. This little human being that had been brought into the world would one day call him as such and he already couldn't wait to hear it from her. When his fiancée urged him to take Talia into his arms, the redhead finally revealed the present he had grabbed earlier -- chuckling softly as he let it plop down onto Camila's lap before reaching carefully for their daughter. Every motion was done in slow motion and for a brief moment, he held his breath; gauging her reaction while he held her close to his chest. Eyes full of wonder and joy. "She's really a mini you, aye. Look at her-- so beautiful. Am I doing okay? I ain't hurting her like that, right?" KJ couldn't help but be fearful of doing the wrong thing, though there was nonetheless an ease that washed over him as he kept her in his arms. Soon enough, it felt as if he had done this his entire life. As if his arms had been made for this precise moment. "If you scoot over a little bit, we could join you on the bed." he suggested, taking his eyes away from Talia for the first time ever since she had been placed in his arms. The expression crossing his features blatantly showing just how much love and gratitude he held for his fiancée. The mother of his child.

Cami: As KJ finally revealed whatever he was clutching behind his back, Camila couldn’t help the smile on her face as the teddy bear landed in her lap. “Daddy brought you your first present, baby girl,” she cooed, stroking Talia’s cheek as she placed the baby in the redhead's arms. As he gently took her in his arms with so much love and care, Camila could feel her heart bursting at the sight of her two favorite humans together for the first time. As he held their daughter close to his chest, Camila noticed he still had not changed out of his Archie Andrews clothes from being on set earlier in the day. “I hope you haven’t wreck Archie’s clothes,” she giggled, watching as he didn’t take his eyes off of Talia. It was so sweet to watch him look at their little girl who was already such a perfect mixture of the two of them. “A mini-me? You think so?” she whispered with as her cheeks turned rosy from blushing at his compliment. No matter how many times he told her she was beautiful it always reminded her of the first time and she always blushed. “You’re doing great, baby,” she replied when his voice turned just a little bit panicky. “She’s so safe in your arms,” she added, taking a few more pictures, reminding herself to share them with their family later on. At his next suggestion, Camila slowly moved over, taking her time because she was still sore from the events of the morning and afternoon. “You mean I get to cuddle my two babies?” she gasped, smiling as he finally looked up from Talia to glance at her. As KJ carefully sat down beside her, Camila leaned her head on his shoulder as Talia looked up at both of them, her eyes were moving all over because newborns weren’t really able to focus until they were at least 2 or 3 months old. She almost looked a little cross-eyed which made Camila giggle. “My cuties,” she breathed out, leaning forward to press a kiss to Talia’s cheek and then one to KJ’s. The raven-haired girl pulled out her phone again to take a few selfies of the three of them before putting it away to enjoy a moment of silence with her little family. “This is truly the best day of my life,” she whispered, looking at KJ with tears in her eyes.

KJ: As Camila shuffled on the bed where she was currently resting, allowing enough room for him to slip in, he did just as such — slowly sitting down on the mattress with Talia still fitting perfectly in his arms. She had been crying like a champion earlier but had been pretty quiet ever since; only soft sounds tumbling from her mouth as she got accustomed to the world surrounding her. “Already a legend, aye.” he whispered, eyes fluttering closed for a brief second as his fiancée’s lips found their way to his cheek. Never had he felt this content in life. With both of his loves as they shared the kind of moment they had talked about so many times during the pregnancy. When everything would finally fall into place and their little family would be complete — at least for the time being. KJ couldn’t help but chuckle to himself at the thought of bringing up the idea of more kids when the experience was still so fresh. Especially for Camila. Not that it would prevent him to joke about it at some point during the day. Though right now all he wanted to do was to bask in the most amazing thing that had ever happened to him. The words she spoke prompted his brown eyes to meet her own; filled with so much adoration amidst the dampness. “Mine too. But it’s only the beginning, babe.” Finding her lips, the redhead softly kissed her, brushing their lips in lazy motions before drawing her closer against his side as he wrapped his arm around her form. There was nowhere else he wished to be as the three of them embraced each other without a care in the world — turning a page in order to reach the next chapter of their lives together.

#( para )

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iamanartichoke · 4 years

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Why do you feel that way about fandom? (In regards to your latest reblog)

Ah, I’m not sure if I know how to explain it, but I’ll try. (This got long, so I’m really sorry.)

The thing is, I first got into the Loki fandom early in 2018, so I’m coming up on about two years of being active here. That first year was so fun and exciting; I was elated to be able to discuss my Loki theories and meta with like-minded people, and I was so happy (and surprised!) at the attention my fic was getting.

I was also still at a point where I believed IW was going to blow our minds, so there was that extra kind of thrill of suspense (and a bit of fear but, when you believe in the MCU and haven’t yet lost faith in its writers/directors, the fear is surface-level and adds to the thrill - there’s not really the accompanying dread and despair).

IW was a crushing blow to that, of course, but even though we were all devastated, we were all devastated as a fandom. We were still in it together; we had one another to vent to and cry with and share fic with. “Loki is alive bc reasons” became kind of an unwritten rule in most post-IW fics; we all agreed that Loki deserved better.

In 2019, two things happened: one, I was underemployed and dragging my feet on finding better employment due to my mental health, which ruined my life for a little while. I had to move back in with my parents, which (I love them and am grateful they were willing to support me, but) was a toxic environment. I was too depressed to indulge in my escapism the same way (fic and fandom) and my progress on my stories slowed way down. I’ve never quite been able to get back the momentum I had when writing Sanctuary, but that’s another issue.

The second thing that happened was, obviously, Endgame came out and whatever theories and hopes the fandom was collectively holding onto about Loki were crushed. Not only that, but the portrayal of Thor seemed to amplify the divide in the fandom between the pro/anti Ragnarok argument.

It seems, to me, that what was a series of battles or skirmishes only became an all-out war after Endgame. That’s only my perception, of course, but I do feel that the latter part of 2019 saw the divide grow larger and larger. Everyone had opinions on what the “correct” portrayal of Thor was, and how it related to Loki, and whether fanon Thor and Loki’s relationship was founded in canon or not. Everyone was defensive of their own point of view; bullying and name-calling and anon hate became more widespread.

Again, this is just my observation. Those who’ve been on the front lines since Ragnarok came out probably have a much different perspective; I’m only talking about what I observed bc it directly impacts how I feel about fandom these days.

So here we are in 2020; like I said, I’ve been here about two years. I haven’t rewatched any of the Thor movies in ages (although @delyth88 and I are talking about it), because they make me so sad and also so angry. Sad for what we had, angry for what could have been. So much wasted potential. Loki’s horrific end hangs over everything, as does Thor’s radical character change, and I don’t have the same excited outlook about the characters and the meta potential anymore.

Not having watched the movies in a long time, along with that feeling of “ugh” around them, impacts me creatively bc I’m not actively feeding my writing inspiration. For me, fanfic writing comes from being so full of feels about the source material that I just can’t get enough and I need more. I draw my inspiration from things like watching Loki’s facial expressions, catching subtle moments between Thor and Loki, analyzing the way they speak, thinking about the story choices happening, and so on, and so on.

My source of inspiration has dried up, in other words, which has made it hard for me to keep a good writing momentum going. I was feeling great when I rewrote Sea, and then my inspiration kind of plummeted again - this time, bc I felt that I did such a good job rewriting and the response was so positive, I didn’t know if I could finish the rest of the story as well. Like I was already setting up the second half to fail, bc it would be much more “rough draft” than the first - revised and polished, yes, but not gone over with a fine-toothed comb the way the first part was.

The truth is, I carry a lot of stress and anxiety around my writing. I am always incredibly anxious that no one actually likes my fic, that no one is reading my fic, that people think it’s stupid or pointless, that my quirky humorous touches are ooc, that my plotlines are convoluted and boring and my sex scenes awkward and non-existent.

I’m having trouble with the Valki relationship bc I haven’t watched Ragnarok in so long, I’ve forgotten how much chemistry was between them and how it made me feel. I’ve forgotten why I chose to pair them up in this ‘verse in the first place. And I worry about that, too - that the people who read my stories for the Valki are walking away unsatisfied.

So that’s where I am with fic writing - slow and steady, still trying to find my footing, still secretly assuming what I write is shit.

This is on top of feeling more and more isolated on tumblr, mostly because of the aforementioned tensions and overall negativity that’s erupted in the fandom. I have been unfollowed and blocked by people who were once mutuals; I have been blocked by people I’ve never spoken to before.

There’s so much stress surrounding the things I post now - I’m constantly thinking, have I worded this correctly to convey my meaning without shitting on someone else’s opinion? Is this post going to be the one that makes this or that mutual unfollow me? Am I tagging correctly so my pro Ragnarok mutuals don’t see my criticism, and vice versa? Can I still post pictures of Chris Hemsworth, who is possibly the only man in the world I am definitely attracted to, which is a shame bc I agree that he’s kind of a douche now? But he’s so beautiful, but I have to disclaim that it’s just his face I’m attracted to? If I reblog this post about Loki that I think is hilarious, but is also founded on the flat stabby villain characterization, will I alienate my anti friends? Does it imply I don’t understand or appreciate Loki and that, by reblogging the thing, I’m endorsing a shitty characterization?

And so on. It makes scrolling my dashboard uncomfortable and un-fun, bc I end up saving tons of posts to my drafts without reblogging them, and after awhile I am not enjoying myself, so I stop scrolling.

But this means I miss tons of mutuals’ posts, and I was trying to check individual blogs for awhile but I kept falling further behind, and there were more and more posts I’d missed, and I’d get overwhelmed and then feel like they probably hated me anyway at this point for being a shit mutual, so I might as well just keep lurking on the dash for ten minutes and call it a day.

On top of that, I haven’t read fic in awhile bc of this mindset, so I haven’t commented, and then when I don’t get comments it’s like, well, maybe the story’s not shitty but no one’s reading it bc what do I expect when I’m not reading theirs? You’re not special, Charlotte.

The worst part about all of this is that none of it should diminish (and hasn’t diminished!) my love of Loki as a character. I am excited about the series, but I am also very anxious about it - about the story not being good, yes, but also about the inevitably divide that will further split the fandom.

No matter how the story goes, someone’s going to be upset. You can’t please everyone, and trying only makes for worse storytelling. So the wank will continue.

But I love Loki. I love everything about him. I am interested in writing about him and reading about him and thinking about him. I am invested in him and always will be. It’s just that, right now, I’m kind of falling further and further out of fandom and I find I have less to say.

And so I either have to wait it out, or work on my own mindset, or keep on keeping on. I just don’t know how long that will take or if I’m even liked enough here to try to bother.

tl;dr: Fandom has made me cynical and jaded, and it has dampened not my love of Loki, but my love of interacting with the Loki fandom.

(I know you didn’t ask for this hot garbage pile of my feelings, anon, so I’m sorry.)

#charlotte replies #a nonny mouse #fandom wank

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derryhawkins · 5 years

Text

Puppy Love

summary: Right after she breaks up with her abusive boyfriend, Beverly house and dog sits for her two good friends while they’re gone for a month. During this time she has to take the dog to the vet because of a terrible limp, and there she meets the one and only Ben Hanscom – a sweetheart with a pure soul and kind eyes. Untrusting of men other than her three best friends, Beverly believes she’ll never find someone to trust and be with for the rest of her life. But as time goes on, and as she becomes friends with Ben, that belief gradually changes. word count: 5.7k warnings: mentions of abuse (i don’t go into detail); there’s also a bit where she has a panic attack but i don’t go into to much detail there either a/n: hello i meant to post this earlier but i got anxious and then i needed to focus on school bc of a paper and today tumblr is being a bitch, so. sorry lmao. hope you enjoy this tho!! ignore any typos and/or spelling mistakes

AO3 link

chapter one: bad limp

Beverly Marsh doesn’t trust men – most of them, at least. The only men she does trust are her good friends: Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak, and Mike Hanlon.

She and Richie had grown up across the street from one another, and he was the only kid who adamantly stuck by her side through the hells of elementary, middle, and high school in their small town of Derry, Maine. They were both the outcasts there from the get go. A kid who was too talkative for his own good, a boy who came out proudly bisexual in middle school, a teen who couldn’t sit still for the life of him; paired with a kid who had bruises on her body everyday, a girl who learned men looked at her wrong at too young of an age, a teen who got slut shamed for very untrue rumors. Then college came, and the two hauled ass to New York City to go to college, sharing a shitty one bedroom apartment and working hellish hours to scrape by. They didn’t go to the same university, though; Richie went to NYU for four years in drama and then went a different route of standup comedy while Beverly went to a smaller college to get a cosmetology degree.

Those years, they met Eddie Kaspbrak and Mike Hanlon. Eddie was at the same college Beverly went to on way to become a Science teacher, and they both worked at a crappy coffee place. They got along extremely well and after a while she introduced him to Richie, the two beginning their marriage-like bickering instantly. It was no surprise to Beverly when they got together in their second year of college. The feisty young man complemented their duo extremely well from the get-go, officially making them into an inseparable trio in no time. Then comes in Mike Hanlon, a sweet boy who grew up on a farm and who was on his way to become the best veterinarian known to man. ("I'm not gonna be the best one, guys, chill." - "Well, we think you will be.") He was Eddie’s room mate and about the time Eddie and Richie started dating was when Mike got pulled in, making their group an even four. Beverly had been hesitant at the time. Her father and every man back home made her wary of how men and boys would be towards her, her own boyfriend no help to that thought process at all, but Mike was quick to prove her wrong. He didn’t stare at her as if she were a piece of meat – hell, he still doesn’t, and neither do the other two (for obvious reasons) – and he’s never anything but gentle.

And then there’s Tom.

How she ended up with a nearly carbon copy of her father as a boyfriend during college is beyond her. He looked harmless back then, Bev remembers; he charmed her way into her life, making her believe everything was fine, but then slowly started manipulating different situations and raising his hand at her and verbally threatening her. She should’ve gotten out of it sooner but something kept her there with the asshole; something kept her from telling her friends, coming up with lame excuses as to why another bruise had formed on her wrist.

Fast forward some years. The even four graduated – Tom, too – and Richie beings to work his ass off to get gigs and all for his stand up comedy career that hopefully won't flop, and Eddie’s searching for assistant teaching jobs, and Beverly is working at really nice hair salon that pays well, and Mike is in Veterinary School. And she’s still with Tom; her friends are starting to catch on, if they hadn’t before. A few more years down the line, Richie gets a big break (okay not that big, but it's a break nonetheless), and somehow becomes extremely popular among the teens after his tweet about his cute but angry chihuahua like boyfriend. Eddie has been an assistant teacher for a couple years now and getting ready to become just a regular teacher; and Mike’s out of Veterinary School, and Bev’s opening up her own salon after a two year business program at a community college. She’s still dating Tom.

Until she’s not. At 26, Beverly has had enough. After nearly seven or eight years of something she grew up enough with because of her father, she gains the courage to finally stand up again to her another abusive man in her life. The other three finally knew the entire truth and with their help and pep talks and comforting words and hugs, Beverly stands up for herself. She dumps Tom. A fight ensues. She acquired a few new bruises and he expects her still in their shared apartment when he comes home from work. But when he’s gone, through tears and cries, she packs up everything. Literally everything. And then she’s getting in the crappy Honda she’s had since her first year in college with all of her belongings and driving to Richie’s and Eddie’s house just a little bit away. They aren't there, though. Richie is on a mini tour for a month and to because it was the summer and to celebrate the fact someone hired him as an actual teacher for the upcoming school year, Eddie tagged along.

Beverly doesn’t trust men, and the full reason why hits her like a train as she sits in her best friend’s and his boyfriend’s home, alone and honestly a bit scared. It makes her sad thinking over how much she loves and trusts three guys with her life, but two harmful men and the disgusting, predatory looks from other men out weighs her best friends’ good intentions. As she sits there, suitcases haphazardly pushed into the living room and body sore, she wonders if she should go to the doctor. It’s only a few bruises and a busted lip, though. Eddie, if he knew, would be fussing over her and dragging her out of the house in an instant to get her checked on from worry – the opposite of what his mother did constantly to him as a child.

The redhead chuckles at the thought of the Kaspbrak fretting over her, but then a few tears are leaving her eyes and suddenly she’s crying again, and wanting to call one of her boys, but she can’t. She doesn’t want to. Not yet, anyway. Richie’s having too much fun, Eddie’s enjoying his break, Mike is already working, having a good time while doing so. They didn’t need to worry over her while they’re living their lives to the fullest.

A bark interrupts her thought process and she blinks, confused for a split second until she remembers Sid. A black lab with too much energy for her own good, just a little over a year old. Richie and Eddie had gotten Sid when she was four months old. They almost didn’t get her all because they weren't sure how often they'd get to spend with the puppy. Both are home more often than they thought, though still both of their jobs restrain them from spending the amount of time they want with the puppy - less often than they first thought, though. Thankfully, both Mike and Bev are available more often than not, Bev the most. They help take care of Sid when the couple can’t, which honestly isn't that much, and the adorable dog has somehow formed into everyone’s pet over time with how often they're all at the Tozier-Kaspbrak house.

Bev wipes under her eyes and cheeks, wincing at her palm pushes into the bruise on her cheek too hard, and makes her way through the house to the back door. She peers outside to the fenced backyard and sees Sid near the back, tail up and ears perked; on high alert. The dog probably heard something she didn't like, or maybe saw a squirrel. Beverly opens the door after she unlocks it, and one hand rests on the door frame.

“Sid!” She shouts to get the dogs attention. “C’mere, girl!” Sid yaps and runs to Beverly instantly, and the woman’s laughing a bit as she crouches down, the dog attacking her with licks. Beverly pets the dog in return and moves to sit on her butt. “Hey, girl. You missed me, huh? I was just here yesterday, though, before your dads left. You miss them, too? Hm, I bet. I do. Yeah, I do, and they miss you, no doubt about it. C’mon, hey- oof, let me stand up, girl. Sid- Okay, thank you. Hey, can you sit? I’ll give you treat! Good girl, let me take a picture.”

Beverly snaps a picture of Sid, the black lab’s tongue hanging out the side of her mouth as she pants, floppy ears forward and dark eyes wide. She quickly sends the picture to Eddie, paired with a text of heart and dog emojis and ‘she misses u!’. She then ushers Sid inside, brows furrowing when she thinks she sees the dog limping, but it was hard to tell. She quickly finds the dog treats in the kitchen pantry, and feeds Sid one right as she gets a reply from her friend.

[from: coffee buddy 11:49 am MNFK SHES SO CUTESJDK I MISS HER TOO GIVE HER LOVE SOME LOVE FOR US]

[to: coffee buddy 11:50 am i'll be sure to give her all the love dw ur pretty lil head]

[from: dipshit 11:52 am SID!!!!!!! THE CUTEST!!!!!!!!!! THANK U FOR UR SERVICE BEV]

[to: dipshit 11:52 am mwah ur welcome rich x]

She smiles at their reactions. It's cute and something she's seen a thousand times throughout the year they've had Sid. One time, she had watched and listened to Richie gush over Sid sleeping with her head in Eddie's lap, his boyfriend drifting off to sleep as well. Unfortunately, that memory ends with Tom calling her and demanding her home for the night, cutting the friends' fun night together short.

Beverly finds herself frowning at the memory and doesn't bother to keep track of Sid as she wanders throughout the house. The young woman stays in the kitchen, her mood coming back down. She brushes stands of her long hair out of her face, her features scrunching up in disgust. She hates it long. Hates the way it gets the way and how she always has to do something with it, always having to get tangles out at the ends. Tom loves her long hair though, and after some persuasion back in college, Beverly grew it out again and kept it at the same mid-back length. Her stomach churns with the realization her father liked her hair long, too. It was the reason she chopped it all off in the first place. Self-hate settles in her, and she can feel the tears coming back as she leans against the counter when her phone starts ringing again. She jumps. The irrational part of her brain is telling her that the caller is Tom, that he somehow found out that she left home while at work, and he's coming over to drag her back. The other part - the rational part - knows that can't be it.

With shaky hands, she pulls her phone back out. Relief floods through her at seeing the familiar number of one of her clients. She sighs and presses the green dot on the screen before putting it on speaker. It was Audra Phillips, a wonderful woman around her age that started coming to Beverly's own salon the moment it opened, always complimenting Bev's work and saying how the redhead should be a renowned stylist for hair, makeup and clothes. "Hi, Audra," she greets, hoping her voice doesn't give off the fact that she had been close to crying.

"Beverly, hi!" Audra greets, happy. If she can tell something is up, she doesn't say anything. "I was just wondering if we're still on for one today? It's just- I'm busy these next couple days and there's a court case Friday, and I really don't want to look like shit. The split ends are bad. And it's my first one, y'know?"

"Of course, yeah," Beverly does her best to sound up beat. "I was actually just about to leave to get everything ready." It's a lie, but the other woman doesn't need to know that. Until Audra called, Beverly's mind had completely pushed away her one o'clock appointment, too engrossed into the early morning fight with Tom and her leaving without his knowledge.

"Wonderful! You are a life saver, Marsh, I fucking love you."

A genuine smile reaches her lips. "It's truly no problem, Audra. I'll see you at one."

They hang up, and Beverly goes to the bathroom after fishing her makeup bag from one of her suitcases. She stares at herself, taken back by the appearance. The bruise on her cheek is worse than she thought, and she had dried blood she didn't know about on her chin from the cut on her lip. Her striking blue eyes are bloodshot and rimmed red from crying on and off throughout the morning, and her bright red hair was a bird's nest. She is a complete and utter mess, and she has no idea how to make it seem like she isn't. But she does her best for the next ten minutes; she covers up the bruise with ease, and does her make up to where the only indication of her crying are the bloodshot eyes. She tames her hair to the best of her ability and just throws it into a ponytail. She keeps what she's already wearing on - a tee from Disney World that she got a some years back when she and her three friends were all free of school - with light skinny jeans and converse. Then, she puts Sid back outside in the backyard, grabs her keys, makes sure the doors are all locks and that the lights are off, and finally leaves.

+++

"-and I've always wanted to start a fashion line. Or do something with fashion, and make up too, which is why I started that- that...what's the word? Oh, well, that thing where people can make appointments for getting their makeup and hair done for dates, or prom, or whatever - oh, a bundle! The two in one. Gosh, I'm the owner and can't even fucking remember these things correctly," Beverly says, wincing as she remembers that she's talking to a customer. "Sorry for my language."

Audra chuckles from where she sits directly in front of Beverly, the woman behind her snipping away at her now wet hair. "You know I don't care about your language, Bev, keep on with it. And don't down talk yourself, sweetie, everyone forgets things."

They meet eyes in the mirror and share a smile. Audra has been at the salon for some time now. Beverly washed the other woman's hair before actually starting to cut it, per Audra's request. During that time they had conversed about a million and one things, leaving one conversation to go to another only to jump back to a topic that had long since been forgotten when one of them remembered something else. It was nice, Beverly had to admit. It was getting her mind off of that morning.

"Would you add fashion if you could? To the bundle - making a three in one deal."

Beverly's brows knit together as she thinks about it. Then, "Most likely. I think it would be hard to do, though. I don't think fashion is one of my strong suits, and... I dunno, the makeup deal probably won't last too much longer and I doubt the fashion thing would, either."

Audra snorts with a roll of her eyes. "You are one of the most talented women I know with all of this," she tells Beverly, hands moving under the cape. "I've never been disappointed once, and the make up you do for the prom and special events are fucking fantastic! Your fashion sense is off the charts when you dress up; hell, even when you dress down. You have the potential to do all three, Bev. What's holding you back?" The question is quieter, filled with so much care; and her other words are full of sincerity. It has Beverly faltering her movements.

She licks her lips. She knows what's holding her back. "Tom," she says simply as she quickly goes back to doing Audra's hair, and she hopes it doesn't sound as bitter and fearful as it felt. "He's always been supportive of this - of the hair salon - but he's always...apprehensive about the makeup. And then about the fashion, he's just so against it."

"What do men know?" Audra asks. "And what does Tom even do?"

"He works at some small business. A financial analysis."

"He's just jealous. Scared, maybe, of you turning out better than him. God, men are so...ugh."

"There are a few decent ones out there," Beverly says, thinking of her friends. A large smile tugs at her lips. "My best friends. Richie's annoying as all fuck, but he's genuinely caring when he wants to be. Usually to his boyfriend, and me. We grew up together, so we're basically siblings. Then there's Eddie - Richie's boyfriend. A damn firecracker. A bit crazy. A mother hen, at times. Oh, and Mike! He's probably the most genuine, nice guy I know. He's over six feet, and Rich calls him a gentle giant. I'd call him the perfect guy, but he loves pranks, and he and Rich get into a prank war three times a year and they drag Eddie and me into them too. They're not perfect - not by a long shot - but they're the most decent guys I know. I doubt there's any 'perfect guy'."

Audra's quiet for a moment. "I'm surprised you didn't put Tom in there."

Beverly's jaw clenches for a moment. "Why would I put my ex in a list of good men?" She says in a casual way and hopes that it doesn't cause dramatic reactions from those around her. It does. Her regulars and few employees know of her and Tom. It was clear no one likes him, and Bev knows that maybe they figured out something had been wrong about the relationship, but she always painted Tom as a good guy to others despite the bruises littering her skin and his harsh words towards her even in public. Audra's jaw drops and Beverly stops snipping the hair and moved her arms to her sides just in time as Audra turned around, and she sets the scissors on a flat surface. A gasp is heard across the building, and Bev turns her head to see her good friend and employee, Kay McCall, standing a few chairs away, getting ready for another customer.

"Did he dump you?" Audra asks, almost sounding hesitant to do so.

Beverly looked back at her, and then at Kay who is walking over at the speed of lightning. "I... Actually, I dumped him," she says slowly. "This morning." It almost feels wrong telling the girls first instead of her best friends first, but there's a sense of relief that comes with telling someone and Bev figures that the boys won't mind.

Kay squeals and pulls Beverly into a tight hug. "Oh, my god, I thought you'd never get rid of that ass!" She pauses and pulls away, keeping her hands on her friend's shoulders. A serious yet excited expression sits on her face. "I know it's no surprise I don't like him, okay, I'm sorry. I know you loved him too but, babe, that boy was a total whack job! He gave me the fucking creeps!"

Audra is nodding along. "I wanted to say something, but we're not that close, y'know? And I didn't wanna piss you off accidentally."

"I honestly thought you were gonna end up marrying him. It was, like, my worst fear the longest time," Kay admits. Her hands finally leave Beverly's shoulders.

"Mine too." Beverly takes in their looks, and she wants to take the words back but it's too late. She doesn't want to tell them what he's done, it's too early and too fresh to tell someone out right, so she doesn't. "I stopped loving him, is all," she lies. But, it's not really a lie. "I felt obligated to stay in the relationship, I guess. Probably a bit scared, too, because we've been together since the end of my second year of college. I finally just ripped off the band-aid this morning."

Audra smiles softly. "Long ones are the hardest to end."

Kay nods in agreement. "Yeah. Hey, I've got a pullout at my apartment if you need a place to stay. I know you two were living together."

Beverly shakes her head. "Thanks, but I'm good for now. Rich and Eddie are out of the city for a month, and I'm already visiting there to dog sit. Might as well house sit, too. I'll call if I decide to take you up on that offer, though."

They share a few more words - not much at all, though - and soon Beverly is back to Audra's hair, and Kay is walking up front where a new customer is stepping in. She licks lips, feeling how chapped they are, and her nose scrunches the slightest bit as her tongue went over the cut. She had forgotten about it, and at remembering it she is grateful that neither Audra nor Kay asked about it. She doesn't know what she would have come up with if they did.

+++

The rest of the day consisted of Beverly having a few more customers, going to the grocery store because she knows for a fact that Richie and Eddie have zero food at their house, walking around fearful, and finally getting to the Tozier-Kaspbrak residence with the sun completely gone because apparently shopping and driving takes a lot longer than she realizes. She keeps the doors locked and lets Sid roam around as she puts up the groceries - she was right, they had no food - and later feeds Sid, noticing that the limp she thought she saw that morning is, in fact, a limp and it looked the slightest bit worse. After dinner, and after letting Sid outside for a few minutes to use the bathroom, Beverly's phone starts to ring and ring, and ping continuously, messages and missed calls from Tom keeping the device occupied. She waits, but the messages and calls come in nearly every second. Every minute. She wants to call someone - Mike, Richie, Kay, Eddie, anyone but Tom - but she can't pick up the phone, because that means looking at her messages. She knows it's not going to happen, but that doesn't stop her from feeling as if even if she touched the phone Tom would find out where she is like some telepathic demon from Hell.

It's not until she's hearing her own wheezing when it dawns on her that she's having a panic attack over the stupid fucking calls and text messages, curling in on herself against one of the kitchen walls, cheeks wet and make up smudged because of her tears. She hasn't had one in years, not since her first year in college, which is a surprise in and of itself given who she's been dating. Her mind struggles to grasp at what to do - its been eight years - but once she remembers, Beverly does her best to do it. It takes time, much longer than she would like to admit, but she soon calms down. Her hands stop shaking, and her cheeks are starting to dry, and her phone is silent too. Sid is laying a few feet away, staring. Worried. Beverly sniffles. Shakily, she stands and the young dog moves her head up in a flash, eyes trained on Beverly as the young woman moves across the kitchen. Sid then quickly gets up and limps to where she's right beside Bev.

Her eyes squeeze shut as she unlocks her phone to avoid looking at the missed calls and unread texts, and it makes her want to throw up as she does it but she blocks Tom's number, erases the messages and makes the missed calls notifications go away.

Then, she's going to bed in the guest room, exhausted. Sid is at her feet in the bed when she's supposed to be in her bog bed and kennel, but Beverly doesn't care. Rich and Eddie don't have to know, anyway. She's too relaxed. She feels too safe with Sid there. So, she lets Sid stay there, eventually falling asleep.

+++

It's halfway through the morning when Beverly notices Sid is heavily favoring her right front leg as she plays without a care in the world in the backyard. It concerns her, worries her, so she calls the nearest vet and places an appointment at two - and coincidentally, it's the one Mike works at. She doesn't call her two best friends yet, not wanting to worry them in case nothing is wrong. She doesn't go into work. She doesn't want to, simply put, so she doesn't. She's the owner, anyway, and goes in whenever she pleases; the fact that she had no one specifically ask for her on that day was another reason Bev doesn't go in, and she knows the employees can handle themselves. She takes a nice, warm, long shower and brings Sid inside around noon. Then she has lunch, and as the time for Sid's appointment rolls closer, she changes into Nike shorts and the same t-shirt she wore the day before, uncaring of who saw her in it yesterday. She's still emotionally drained from the night before, so it surprises her that she didn't walk out in sweats and a hole-y shirt.

The drive to the vet is fine. Sid stays in the backseat, constantly moving into different positions and standing to look between the front seats, even though her front leg is probably hurting her. Upon reaching the vet clinic, the hope of seeing Mike rises, and she gets out with Sid quickly, locking her car, and then goes inside. It’s not long at all until she’s sitting in one of the back rooms waiting for someone to come in and check on Sid. Not too soon later, the door is opening and she’s hoping it’s Mike, but it’s not. She tries not to look too disappointed, though it wasn’t hard at all given as the guy who walks in is attractive.

She blinks, taking in the dirty blond hair and soft brown eyes; he’s tall, too – about Richie’s or Mike’s height – and at first Beverly, admittedly, tensed up. Here’s a guy who she doesn’t know and therefore doesn’t trust, and her first thought is that he’s going to say something her. To try and flirt. To seem as if he’s this perfect dude trying to win Bev over for a hookup. But then he’s giving her a warm smile before crouching down to Sid who’s jumping in excited at seeing a new person, and she suddenly feels bad for jumping to conclusions.

“Hey,” the guy laughs as Sid licks his face. “You’re a friendly one, aren’t you? Who’ve we got here today?” He’s then looking at Bev and standing up.

Beverly twists the leash in her hands. “That’s Sid. Um, she has a bad limp, and I just got worried.”

He nods and looks back down to the dog, who’s now laying on the floor at his feet, panting as she stares up at him. “Yeah, I noticed it when I walked in. It’s pretty significant. If you don’t mind, I’ll take her to weigh her out there. We’ll be right back.”

“Yeah, yeah. That’s fine, do what you gotta do,” she says. “I’ve never been to a vet before. Sid’s not mine, she’s my friend’s. I’m just dog sitting while he and his boyfriend are outta town. I figured I should bring her myself in case something is actually seriously wrong.”

He smiles as he slips the vet’s leash on Sid with ease, and unclasps the other off of her collar. “That's nice of you to do.”

“I'd do anything for my friends.” Beverly sets the leash in her lap, giving a tiny smile. “She pulls a lot, by the way. Just a warning,” she tells the man.

He nods. “It’s fine. Be back in a jiff,” he tells her and then he’s out of the room with Sid, the dog excitedly walking and pulling. Beverly chuckles and leans back in the chair, blue eyes looking at the framed picture on the wall. It’s an illustration of different types of dogs and their names and where they originally came from.

She’s about to stand up to get a better look when the guy and Sid come back in. He walks the dog to her and lets her reattach the leash before removing the vet’s leash. “How much does she weigh?” Bev asks, curious, frowning at how Sid is favoring her leg.

“Thirty pounds,” he says.

“That’s good, right?”

He nods. “Yes, it is. Female labs usually get up to between twenty-five and thirty-two.”

Bev smiles and pets Sid. “Well, you’re a healthy girl, huh? Other than your leg.” She looks up at the guy, and he’s already looking at her with an expression she can’t read. Its similar to the one Richie gives her once in a while when he’s in a particularly loving mood towards everyone; but there’s something about this guy’s expression that’s so different from it at the same time. There’s no lust, no want, no desire. Almost admiration, if she has to label it. It’s a look she’s not used to, to say the least, and she has to look away and back down to Sid. “So, are you going to check her out, or is there some big shot vet doc that has to come in?” She asks. “Dr. Doolittle, maybe?”

He seems to jolt back into reality at the question, and if Bev were to look up she would see his cheeks reddening. “Huh- oh, yeah. I’m just- just an intern here, trying to get my foot in the door before I finally become a veterinarian myself. No Dr. Doolittle, though.”

Beverly chuckles and looks up. “Shame. I’d pay some real money to have Dr. Doolittle here.”

He smiles, still blushing a little. “I’d pay to be Dr. Doolittle.” Then, “I’ll go get the ‘big shot vet doc’.” He uses air quotes as he uses the words Beverly had said moments before, chuckling lightly as she rolls her eyes with no malice behind the action.

“Alright. Oh- hey, uh,” she hesitates, “I’m Beverly Marsh, by the way. I should’ve introduced myself sooner. Sorry.”

He shakes his head. “Don’t worry about it. I’m Ben Hanscom. I’ll be right back with the doctor, Beverly.”

As he leaves, she can’t help but feel a bit embarrassed about just introducing herself like that so abruptly, but she pushes the feeling away. A few minutes later, the guy – Ben, and she can’t help but think how well the name suits him – walks in with the doctor. They check on Sid, have her walk around for a few seconds, and then the doctor is explaining that nothing seems wrong.

“There isn’t any swelling or cuts or broken bones, so it’s probably just a bad sprain. Nothing too bad, thankfully, but you’ll have to restrict how much she plays for it to get better. I’ll prescribe her some pain medication that you’ll give her once a day for seven days. If it’s not better by this day next week, I suggest bringing her back. It’ll most likely require surgery if that’s the case.”

Beverly nods along to the words and takes the information in, planning on calling Richie once she leaves to explain everything to him. After that, both the doctor and Ben are leaving again, Ben coming back five minutes later with a small, blue pill bottle.

“Give her one forth of these everyday, and it should help,” Ben tells her as he hands the bottle to her. “I hope she gets better. She’s such a sweetheart.”

Beverly stands and holds the pill bottle with one hand, and Sid’s leash with the other. “Me too. Thank you, by the way.”

He sheepishly smiles and shrugs. “I barely did a thing. It’s all the doctor.”

She chuckles. “Well, thank her too for me. Hey, do you know a Mike Hanlon?”

He nods quickly. “Yeah, he’s another intern for one of the other doctors here.”

“Is he here?”

“Yeah. But he’s helping with a surgery on a sick cat. Why?”

She shrugs. “He’s one of my friends. I was expecting to see him, is all.”

“Sorry to disappoint.”

Beverly frowns but then smiles, shaking her head as she gets ready to leave. “You’re not a disappointment, Ben. You seem like a cool guy, and it was nice meeting you.”

He’s then giving her another warm smile, and he’s blushing again. “Thanks. It was nice to meet you, too. And Sid, of course.”

Beverly then says a bye with a smile of her own and she walks out of the back room, and to the front. She pays, not minding having to, and walks out with her phone pressed to ear as she calls Richie, explaining what’s wrong and what’s happening with Sid as she drives home. She doesn’t mention the breakup or Ben just yet. She doesn’t want to think about either too much, and telling her best friend about both would require just that. So, she doesn’t. Richie doesn’t ask, either, because one: he avoids the topic of Tom as well because it just puts him in a pissy mood for the rest of the day and he can’t be in a pissy mood during a gig, and two: Beverly have no indication about the guy who helped out at the vet clinic being attractive in any way.

She sighs as she falls into the couch after giving Sid the correct amount of medicine, turning on the TV, pushing any thoughts about men out of her mind as she watches a rerun of an old 90s show.

#ben hanscom #beverly marsh #benverly #it #the losers club #my writing #*#pls don't let this flop

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