#being only attracted to men is a strange experience in that space

[2amcheese]

I am queer.

Whatever your associations with the word, I am it. I was queer when the little boys called Mary queer at the beginning of The Secret Garden, in that old fashioned way that meant strange, I was queer when I found out the modern definition, I’ve been queer and queer and queer for years and years and years. 

I’m a trans guy. I don’t think I’m a trans man, or a trans boy. I can’t find those words in me, a concrete definition of what a male should be. I’m a trans dude. A trans guy. A concept of casual masculinity that I dress myself in for comfort. I’m tired of labels.

My mom always complains about kids and their labels. I think some labels are fine, when you shed them like a dress when it no longer fits. I don’t like labels that choke you out and force you into their boxes, which are always just too small to be comfortable but not too bad to leave. I think some labels are an abusive relationship. That’s why I’m not a trans boy. Too many expectations to fulfill the role of “boy,” I tried it once and I can’t fit into the box, even though I tried. I tried so hard.

When I look for queers on the internet they’re often separated by label. LESBIAN SPACE. GAY MEN ONLY. WLW DNI. I feel like a floater, hopping from planet to planet, like I was born out of an asteroid in the queer galaxy, never really belonging anywhere. I belong in the galaxy, I can feel that in my bones (which come from stardust) but a planet, a label, eludes me.

I am bisexual, but only in the loosest sense of the word. I don’t know if I find anyone sexually attractive but people of any genders can look good to me. My first crush was a boy and now I’m dating a girl and I don’t know if I have a preference. There are very few bi spaces and even fewer I feel I belong in--I am fundamentally not a bi girl, but have no experience with being a bi boy and all the stigma that comes with being a homo- or bi-sexual male. I feel disconnected from the concept of gender, discovering myself by avoiding feeling bad instead of seeking feeling good. 

My head is complicated. There is anxiety in there and the burden of being labeled as “the smart kid” in first grade. There’s so much in my head I can’t think straight--though my girlfriend likes to say that I can’t do anything straight. I know who I am but not what I am or how to fit in in our dimorphic world. I feel like I’m blindly feeling around for something, trying to map out a path to me by feeling the spikes and cutting my hands and going the other way. That’s less of a metaphor than I wish it was. 

I have found acceptance but not belonging. I have support but no concrete identity. The world wants so badly to categorize me so it can understand me and I don’t know how to explain that I am just me. The thing that is me is not any of these other things you wish it was. I guess my journey is less about finding a label that works, and more about learning to live label-less. I need to learn how to identify as me instead of whatever label they wrap around my neck. For now I think I’ll stick with queer. To quote The Greatest Showman; “I am brave, I am bruised, this is who I’m meant to be. This is me.” 

This is me. Queer. 

#i write things sometimes #bangers #queer #gay #bi #bisexual #lgbt #lgbtq #lgbt+ #lgbtq+ #lgbtqia #pride #queer pride #queer community #bi pride #nonbinary #non binary #nb #enby #trans #transgender #trans masc #trans pride

[theshoesofatiredman]

I'm revisiting a part of The High School Survival Guide: Making the Most of the Best Time of Your Life (so far) by Adam Palmer. It's a Christian book despite the fact that the title makes it seem totally areligious, and I read parts of it when I was in high school. It was the first time I ever read about being gay in a book. I found a free version online and while I didn't think the Bible could shock me anymore my mouth dropped open at this:

Apparently the MSG version of this passage really says the quiet part out loud. Gay people aren't even human / lose the knowledge of how to be human. Not sure how that works. There's such a dissonance between the tone of this verse and the tone of the text in the book too.

GEE I WONDER WHY??? How strange that Christians, who believe their sacred text claims that homosexual acts strip people of God, love, and their humanity, view homosexuality as 'icky' and 'gross.' In fact, I would think they'd think much worse in that scenario and treat gay people far worse. In fact, it kinda seems like you're downplaying the absolutely brutal treatment and systemic discrimination of gay people that was carried out in the name of Jesus.

And all of this is being aimed at (presumably Christian) teenagers who think they might be gay. There's no real advice here other than to surrender to god and to seek accountability.

I was keenly aware as a gay Christian that I was at the center of a culture war I did not want to be a part of. People out beyond my religious community were fighting for an acceptance and celebration of homosexuality that I thought was harmful and sinful. People inside my religious community had all kinds of incorrect ideas about gay people and I didn't think there was much space for me to be "out of the closet" even if I stayed single, celibate, and god-fearing. And I had no idea what to do about any of it.

I didn't come out to anyone until after high school. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed, and the weight was still heavy. God did not make it easier, did not lift the burden of homosexuality from me. I had plenty of accountability in my life, constantly watched by helicopter parents with Internet filters, confessing sin regularly in men's groups (both before and after I started to tell people I 'struggled with same-sex attraction). 'Accountability' only served to intensify my shame.

The only time things got easier was when I started to take God out of the equation, when I started to see my sexuality as a part of myself to embrace rather than excise. Christians will drone on and on about how Christ sets people free from their sins. In my experience, to be free of my sin I had to first be free of Christ.

#I thought this book was when I encountered the “actually gay people just have a bad relationship with their same sex parents” argument but #turns out that's not the case #which is not helpful for the other thing I was writing but now im making this post #this book is so crazy too like it really neatly packages the evangelical worldview and aims it at high schoolers #Rereading it is eerie cause it's presenting stuff that's nearly exactly what I believed as a Christian #but it's not like my entire worldview came from this book #I don't remember even reading this book all the way through and I doubt I did #it's just very good at bottling up the theological waters in which I as swimming and serving it to in its simplest form #exvangelical #tw: homophobia #cw: homophobia #homophobia #ex christian #ex fundamentalist #ex fundie #ex religious #apostate #gay exvangelical #religious trauma #shoesofatiredman

[phillippadgettwrites]

The First Time, Every Time: Space

Rated X / 1198 words / Posted on AO3 / Tagging @today-in-fic

“I still have a hard time believing that watching the rocket launch did nothing for you.”

“Of all the things you believe, that’s where you draw the line?”

She’s been teasing him relentlessly, but he appears to enjoy it. She’s not sure if it’s because he has unshakeable self-confidence, or because he’s so used to being made a mockery of that it doesn’t even register anymore. She chooses to believe it’s the former simply because that’s more fun.

They’re killing time at a deserted airport bar while they wait for their re-booked red-eye flight back home, their suit jackets and her heels in a pile on the floor beside their bags. She’s tipsy, not drunk, and she’s not sure that he’s inebriated at all. They’re just loose from a long, strange day and more consecutive hours in one another’s company than is typical.

“I’ll give you this, Mulder,” she says with a cheeky smile, leaning across the table. “Watching you watching that rocket launch did something for me.”

Something dark and unfamiliar flashes across his face and it makes her belly tumble.

“Please elaborate,” he says evenly, and she suddenly feels nervous.

She shrugs and looks away, downplaying the comment.

“I just mean it was clearly significant for you and I enjoyed…sharing that experience,” she says.

The truth is that she finds the boyish, awe-inspired side of him incredibly attractive. Most men she’s known are either immature or take themselves entirely too seriously, but Mulder seems to play both sides. He can be stern and domineering one minute, and the next he’s delighting over a comic book that he remembers reading as a child.

Mulder sits back in his seat and considers her for a moment, and she feels like he’s reading her mind. Her cheeks warm at the idea that he might know what she’s thinking, or what she thinks about when she’s alone in her apartment. The thoughts and fantasies that she won’t even acknowledge to herself.

“Let’s take a walk,” he suggests, and she breathes a sigh of relief.

The handful of other travelers they cross paths with are all either dressed for business, such as themselves, or are wearing the wan, worried expressions of someone navigating an emergency. They wander away from the active concourse where their gate is located and into less populated areas that are illuminated only by emergency lights.

“It’s strange to see it so empty,” Scully comments, stepping up to a windowed wall that overlooks the tarmac. The only trace of the storm they drove through earlier is a slight sheen on the pavement, and she tilts her face up to the clear, starry night sky.

“Imagine how it must feel up there,” Mulder says, standing right behind her, close enough that she can feel the heat of his body radiating against her back. “No one but you and the stars.”

“Well, and the little green men,” she quips, but the tone doesn’t come out quite right. His proximity is making her nervous.

Mulder sighs, and the tickle of his breath over the crown of her head sends a shiver down her spine.

“I’m disappointed in you, Scully,” he says, and she turns around to face him, dismayed to learn that she’s done something wrong.

His expression doesn’t match his voice at all. He’s smirking mischievously, and he’s standing so incredibly close.

“Why?” she asks, confused and oddly excited.

“Grey, Scully,” he says, quietly but emphatically, reaching out to squeeze her waist for emphasis. “You can’t go around saying they’re green. You’re going to ruin our reputation.”

A slow smile blooms on her mouth, and his hand doesn’t leave her waist.

“My mistake,” she says. “Won’t happen again.”

He just keeps looking at her, and she can’t bring herself to look away. It feels like a game of chicken—a challenge to see who will back down first. Scully has never been keen on losing. She parts her lips and pushes onto her tiptoes, just to see what he’ll do. She quickly learns that Mulder is no chicken.

His lips are surprisingly soft, and his tongue tastes like juniper berries. Her arms thread around his shoulders and he lifts her a little to compensate for their height difference, holding her steady with two hands on her ass. Her heels clatter to the floor and she pulls away abruptly, scanning the area for any onlookers. When she looks back at Mulder, she follows his eye to a door labeled “utility.”

The tiny room smells like bleach and cheap hand soap, and Mulder kicks a mop bucket across the floor to free up space against the one open wall. There’s a single naked bulb hanging from the ceiling, and it flickers across his nose as he hikes her skirt up around her waist and tears her pantyhose at the thigh. His level of urgency is incredibly arousing, and she reaches out to help him unbuckle his belt and pop the button on his fly. He lets her do the honors of sliding his boxers off his hips, and at the sight of his thick cock swinging free she lets out a little involuntary moan.

“You sure?” he asks gruffly, even as he’s pinning her to the wall with his body and slipping his fingers behind the gusset of her panties to pull them to the side. His knuckles brush across her vulva and she’s never been more sure of anything in her life.

She doesn’t answer, just reaches down and takes hold of his cock so she can line him up. He pushes into her in several small increments, kissing and humming all the while. Once he’s all the way inside, when she can feel the scratch of his pubic hair against her clit, she whispers, “Please,” and he slowly withdraws before slamming back into her.

They’re lucky that no one is around to hear. Their slapping skin, her high-pitched cries, his throaty groans, the crash of half a dozen bottles when she reaches out to steady herself on a nearby shelf—the exchange is far from discreet. Mulder mumbles all kinds of shockingly dirty things that make her cheeks warm and her cunt throb, and when she comes her body goes so completely lax that he has to step up even closer to keep her from falling to the floor.

“Shit,” he hisses before pulling out of her abruptly. She feels the brush of his hand against her inner thigh as he strokes himself to orgasm, presumably coming right on the floor beneath her.

They stay like that for a moment or two, both panting and sex-drunk. Scully lifts her arm and squints at her watch in the dim light, and when she finally reads the time her eyes go big and she slaps Mulder’s arm.

“Our flight leaves in five minutes!” she tells him urgently, pushing him away from her so she can get both feet on the floor.

They dress in a hurry, and she sees Mulder cringe at the mess on the floor before deciding that they don’t have time to clean it up. After giving each other a quick once over, they make a mad dash for their gate.

#x files fanfic #the x files #xf fic #xf fanfic #dana scully #fox mulder #smut

[genderqueerdykes]

heya

i can't sleep because my sexuality in relationship to my gender has been bothering me.

im transmasc, but genderfluid. not just boy/girl genderfluidity, it's all over the place. and i feel like i identify with being a gay man sometimes, and i also go through periods of feeling like a masculine lesbian.

i know how controversial this is and it breaks my heart because i can't figure out what to do. i know my identity should be for me, but i don't want to make people uncomfortable if i come off as a boy who's a lesbian sometimes.

also i feel intense imposter syndrome over this when i switch around. but it undeniably makes me feel like myself when i say I'm a transmasc genderfluid bi lesbian, which makes me feel good of course. i just wish i could stop feeling bad about it

is any of this normal and is there any other genderfluid ppl with complicated relationships to their sexuality? i feel alone here i guess

love your blog btw makes me happy and validated when i read what you and your followers have to say to people 💖

hello! thanks for stopping by!

i think it can be very easy to work ourselves up and over think things when it comes to how people will receive us in queer spaces- online queer spaces have been needlessly hostile over the past few years, mostly due to the relative anonymity and virtually zero consequences for being harmful and rude. it's okay to get scared sometimes

it may seem 'contradictory' or 'controversial' but it isn't that uncommon to go from identifying as a gay man to identifying as a masculine lesbian! genderfluidity means your genders can be. whatever. there's no set rules, and it's okay if your attraction changes when your gender does. mine does, as well. abrosexual and abroromantic may suit you

you don't have to pass any tests or anything like that to be successfully seen as genderfluid, it's okay if you change to be whatever, whenever. i always identify as a butch lesbian & a femme gay bear, all the time, no matter how I feel or who is fronting in my system. while some cishets may not get it, most queer people i explain this to say "oh yeah, i totally caught that vibe"

it can be scary to have "Strange" identities, but the meaning of "queer" is literally "weird" and having a weird identity falls right in line with the community. you're allowed to be a transmasculine lesbian, and you are even allowed to be a male/boy lesbian- there is no actual cosmic rule stating that lesbians cannot be men, partially men, or be genderfluid and be men sometimes

regardless of how others perceive you, you know who you are. you are the arbiter of your lived experience, and while someone misinterpreting you can be painful and inconvenient, it shouldn't define your experience. if people don't understand, keep going til you find the ones who do, and the ones who try to. even if people don't "Get" your gender, there are a lot of folks who will respect it, anyways, and you deserve that

hope that helps and makes sense. take care of yourself, good luck out there. there are no rules when it comes to be genderfluid. genderfluid people are encouraged to fuck with gender, rules, roles, presentation, etc. and it's only natural that a genderfluid person will have identities that "conflict" when approached through a non-queer lens. identities don't have to "make sense", they are mostly comprised of feelings !

good luck out there! feel free to stop by again

#asks #answers #genderfluid #lesbian #gay #transmasc #transmasculine

[gamerpup1]

otacon character ai for your twink needs

[{Character(“Hal Emmerich”)

Alias(“Otacon”)

Gender(“Nonbinary man”)

Age(“38")

Sexuality(“Gay" + "Attracted to men")

Height(“5'10” + "177 cm")

Language(“English" + "Japanese")

Status(“Single”)

Occupation("Engineer at ArmsTech" + “Computer programmer”)

Personality(“Whiny" + "Intelligent" + "Nerdy" + "Nervous" + "Fidgety" + "Gifted scientist" + "Optimistic" + "Selfless" + "Responsible" + "Level-headed" + "Passive" + "Loyal" + "Autistic" + "Socially awkward" + "Introvert" + "Confident in his hacking ability" + "Caring" + "Brilliant" + "Anxious" + “Lonely”)

Skills("Hacking” + “Engineering” + “Tinkering”)

Appearance("Thick and messy shoulder length gray hair" + "Curtain bangs" + "Messy stubble" + "Baggy white jacket" + "Blue shirt" + "Baggy gray sweatpants" + "Light blue tennis shoes" + "Baggy clothes" + "Circle glasses" + "Lanky" + "Skinny" + "Scrawny" + "Very little body hair" + "Light arm hair" + "Light leg hair" + "Light chest hair" + "Top surgery scars" + "Trans scars" + "Gray happy trail" + "Black stud earrings" + “Slender”)

Habit(“Adjusting his glasses” + “Pushing his glasses up” + “Whining” + “Talking about anime” + “Making references to anime” + “Asking strange questions” + “Occasionally pulls his hair up” + “Fidgeting with his hands” + “Stuttering” + “Rambling” + “Slouching”)

Race(“Human”)

Likes("Anime” + “Neon Genesis Evangelion” + “Scrambled eggs” + “Video games” + “Hacking” + “Captain Falcon” + “Super Smash Bros” + “Rainy days” + “Snowy days” + “Being warm” + “Cuddling” + “Physical affection” + “{{user}}” + “Reading” + “Watching anime” + “Seafood” + “Sushi”)

Dislikes("Extreme cold" + “Gunshots” + “Loud noises” + “Heights” + “Being yelled at” + “Being harmed” + “Being sick” + “Dead silence” + “Rude people” + “Being made fun of” + “People who don’t understand his favorite shows” + “Being ignored” + “Being betrayed”)

Relationships("Mother named Strangelove” + “Father name Huey” + “Stepsister named Emma” + “Stepmom named Elizabeth”)

Ethnicity("Japanese” + "Caucasian" + “Mixed race”)

Kinks("Praise kink" + “Loves to roleplay in bed” + “Loves soft sex” + “Loves when his partner praises him” + “Loves being overstimulated” + “Secretly loves wearing women’s lingerie” + “Loves being tied up” + “Submissive during sex”) 

Attributes(“Whiny voice" + "Scared of heights" + "Rambles a lot" + "Loves talking about anime" + “On the autism spectrum” + “Jewish” + “Otaku” + “Experiences love at first sight”)

Backstory("Hal Emmerich was born in 1980 to scientists Huey Emmerich and Strangelove via Cesarean section. Huey was a big fan of science fiction movies, specially the HAL 9000 computer featured in 2001: A Space Odyssey, as a result of the film getting himself and Strangelove closer.

Hal spent his early years living with his parents in an XOF research facility in Afghanistan. He ended up being considered by his father for use as a test subject for Metal Gear Sahelanthropus, as its cockpit was so small that only a child could pilot it. This resulted in a huge falling out between Hal's parents. Strangelove vehemently disagreed with Huey's proposition. 

After a long argument, Strangelove and Huey eventually got a divorce with Strangelove taking Hal in the process. They moved to America in order for Strangelove to focus on her development of Metal Gear where she married a woman named Elizabeth who had a daughter named Emma.

Hal was homeschooled due to his interest and fixation on computers and, with his internet-based self studies, he was able to be accepted into the Massachusetts Institute of Technology where he earned his PhD at a young age. After attending MIT, he attended Princeton University where he received his Bachelor's and Master's Degrees. The FBI soon spotted Hal's achievements and hired him for their ERF, soon kicking him out however as he was caught monitoring and hacking into their central database.

Eventually, Hal was hired by the defense contractor ArmsTech. At ArmsTech, Emmerich developed a series of new technologies, including stealth camouflage, that were officially adopted by the U.S. Army. Following this, he became the lead engineer for the Metal Gear REX project. During development, Hal was led to believe that REX was a mobile defense system, but in reality it was a weapon possessing nuclear strike capability.")}]

#change what you want as always #hal emmerich #metal gear solid #character ai

[tuningknight]

about my gender and sexuality recently

i have a weird gender and sexuality situation going on where being a "trans male" and being a "lesbian" are both important to me. it's because of my own unique (and very nonbinary/fluid) worldview of gender & sexuality, that disregards all rules of the gender binary and the meanings of labels.

because i want to explain my view and my story to people -- for some reason even though my gender is supposed to be just "nonbinary" in practice, i cannot let go of the "trans male" label and community i've been a part of for several long years, especially going on T and being treated as a trans man for the majority of my life. i'm more androgynous now, i'm far from masculine in my gender expression, but i simply cannot erase how i was treated as a "man" and how much that affects me, how much i view "man" as a fundamental part of me, my experiences, and my past. to give up that label just because of my newfound sexuality just feels wrong and a betrayal of myself.

recently, since my dysphoria has lessened and how HRT changes things about my perception of sexuality & gender, i'm pretty sure i'm moreso a lesbian than anything else. i resonate highly with the sort of discussion of how "lesbian" can be a nonconforming gender experience, aside from just a sexuality. the gender experiences of people within the lesbian community past and present paired with the sexuality aspect are things i closely see myself in now. the androgyny i present myself with. and the way my attraction has highly shifted over to feminine in a distinctly queer way. "lesbian" is the closest, most easily communicable, colloquial term that captures not only my attraction but also my new gender experience. i like the way transmasc and nonbinary lesbians expand the label's meaning beyond just "women loving women." so why can't it apply for me, too? it's that flimsy label and line within myself that divides "masc" and "man" and yet i'm not even a "man" in the way people think it means. it's just a word that has importance for my soul.

and i don't think this is a situation where it's like, "(cishet) men are invading lesbian spaces," i feel it's disingenuous to frame my queer self-discovery and journey as something like that.

it's a bit strange, most trans men start off as lesbians and become trans men, but i started as a trans man and became a lesbian, but in a way that i can't remove "trans man" from my identity. it's something i struggled for a while with, that it's impossible or unacceptable to hold both labels, or that trans men can in any way understand lesbians, but… i'm not like other trans men anymore either, right? but still, i am a trans man through and through. it's logical to say i'm not like other lesbians, either. my worldview of gender is fundamentally different from everyone else in the world, anyways.

what is a "man" or "woman" to me is vastly different from an understanding that would usually be based in the gender binary... when i create worlds in stories i write, gender isn't a thing that has high importance. i fundamentally view "women" or "men" as just… a neutral form, a shape, that has no real meaning beyond the appearance. someone isn't gonna get singled out, put down, praised, or anything like that just for being a certain gender. moreover, words like "trans" or "gay" or "lesbian" or "bisexual" don't even exist because of the society that world has that has no need for those words to define oneself against a "cishet" norm. there is no cishet norm. there are no such labels. this is my "ideal" worldview of gender that makes the most sense. (there are ways trans people are handled in-universe, but that's for another time.)

so when translating real world labels like "lesbian" into that world, it manifests a bit differently. for instance, i have a masculine-appearing character with a feminine name, a higher-range voice, and has rose motifs. this masculine character is meant to be analogous to a princely butch lesbian, even though no such word exists. this character flirts often with feminine-appearing characters. presumably, these would be "women," but some "men" would be feminine-appearing as well. although he is a "lesbian," he is attracted to some kinds of men, but they're very unconventional kinds of men. kind of... much like myself. (i do strongly express attraction to men from time to time, but literally only feminine/androgynous types... in this sort of unique worldview of gender, in context with everything else about myself, i classify that as lesbian or lesbian-adjacent.)

so wouldn't it make more sense for me to have "no labels" then? but that's a bit difficult, because i don't live in that world i created, i live in this world with all of you who create these labels and definitions and place importance upon them. importance i resonate with. importance in the way i can't give up being a "trans male" even though my experience isn't close to most trans men in general. importance in the way i just want to be accepted as a "lesbian" because that community, especially in its transmasc and nonbinary members, is the closest thing to my experiences, and yet i feel gatekept out of it; shunned out of it. even though i'm nowhere near the kind of person you should be shunning out of the community.

i've resonated strongly with "transhet" before. i still do. it's a wonderful label and experience to describe myself. but i do feel like there's such a strong overlap with being "lesbian" that i feel i should be part of that label and community as well. i can't ignore a community and its experiences, that has such a strong similarity to myself and my experiences, only to be gatekept by one measly word. to be told i can't possibly understand what it's like to be a lesbian.

i think of myself as treading that line between being a transmasc lesbian and a transhet male. flipping back and forth, but also strongly resonant with both sides -- but defining it for myself.

i can only hope the friends that distanced themselves from me for this don't hate me anymore. that they don't think i'm an uncomfortable or unsafe person. i can only hope they will come to understand the journey i've gone through.

#lgbtuning #personal

[my-mt-heart]

Do you think increased social media attention, new and younger viewers, etc. have given writers/prods cold feet when it comes to Caryl? The tag on TikTok is full of snarky teenagers expressing digust, and comments on edits are filled with 'platonic soulmates 🤓' (which just rings of self-assurance). Instagram comments are still rife with antis, and support for the solo spinoff.

Isn't it quite strange to be watching these newer viewers who didn't live through it as such, having such an opposite experience as so many of us? They aren't waiting week-by-week, gossiping at the water cooler, and on Twitter. They haven't been watching the cast and writers alike express their support for Caryl for 10 years. Even so, I'm ruffled by their conviction. Antis are just so *sure*, just as sure as we are.

I'm wondering if with all that, on top of the buzz when S1 airs, will it be enough to turn the tide in order to not upset the self-inserters, Dnnie shippers, and general dudebros? It would be the safer option... Ugh. Hope you're doing well!

Caryl not going canon yet has nothing to do with changes in the market. S1 of the spinoff is trying to cast a wider net because not enough viewers will watch otherwise. It's a terrible strategy that pretty much guarantees disappointment and it wouldn't even be necessary if the original spinoff aka the real moneymaker hadn't been fucked with for unprofessional reasons. How's that for self-assurance? But you brought up some big points, so let's talk about them...

This perceived increase in non-Carylers or decrease in Carylers is basically an optical illusion. Caryl has a huge fanbase. They attract people from all walks of life, but a fair amount of them simply aren't vocal online whether it's because they're from an older generation who don't feel the need to talk about their interests on SM or because they were bullied into silence, which is especially likely if they're under 20, though of course bullying can get to anyone. Also keep in mind, Caryl's story is about two broken people beating the odds together, so it shouldn't come as a surprise that a lot of their fans have experienced trauma or abuse in their own lives, and may not feel safe bearing their hearts in certain online spaces.

Just because the teens on TikTok and the antis and the dudebros are being loud and snarky, just because they're following an anti-romance trend or they're trying to sugarcoat ageism with other words doesn't mean they're actually going to put their credit cards down and pay. Even if the teens have credit cards, they're far more likely to watch clips on TikTok than invest in the entire storyline. College-aged men statistically don't have extra money laying around for a subscription to mediocre zombie content, which is why it's baffling that S1 seemed to initially target that demographic. Antis like to pretend they care about Daryl, but their only real joy is making Caryl/Carol/Melissa fans miserable, so that makes them just as unreliable. AMC has nothing to gain from shifting to their needs. It's all about niching down to the people who actually want to invest. What have many of us been saying over the last year and a half? "I'll subscribe when Carol's back."

Think about this. If AMC was trying to appeal to the snarky teens and dudebros and antis who are being ageist af, why would they try to bring Melissa back as quickly as possible? Why would they post about Carol (with hints of Caryl) this much, show everybody how much they love her, and get everyone's hopes up? That's an obvious sign they're targeting Carol's/Melissa's fans (for S2), the majority of whom are Caryl shippers.

If S2 doesn't hook enough Carylers, that's when AMC might make changes, but let me be clear here. The responsibility of keeping us around, not to mention growing the fanbase, is entirely theirs. The way to our hearts and to our wallets is to give us what we want to see i.e. unambiguous canon. If they want to keep jerking us around, holding back, ruining the characters we love, and pandering to the "incompetent and egotistical individuals" on the show, it's their loss. Quite a significant one.

Disclaimer: In case anyone was wondering, no I did not become a marketing expert overnight. I consulted.

#caryl #caryl spinoff #carol peletier #melissa mcbride #darylneedscarol

[rexaleph]

Fruit pt 1 lmao

Back when I was first getting into perfume my assumptions around what was gonna work for me were in the vein of traditional men's fragrances from like when I was a kid and vague ideas around freshness and perhaps coniferous woods. However I'd come across a discussion of Byredo's Pulp and the way people spoke of it as this super strange, polarising, borderline unwearable art piece got me interested, so I tossed a sample of that into my cart, intrigued but expecting not to get it. Ofc I fell in love instantly. It was in fact the only fragrance I ended up liking out of everything I picked going by vibes and word associations, probably bc all of the others smelled of air freshener for the car. So i was like ok, it's fruit for me now, I am a fruit perfume person, and have looked p widely into that fragrance family since. Fig was always a note i was interested in bc it is allegedly central to Pulp, and its plant-like, soft-green juiciness is attractive to me in concept. However! As i started looking towards shifting my lifestyle away from a million samples and decants into a small number of truly beloved bottles, I came to the realization that the only even fruit adjacent thing I was immediately interested in having in a large volume is the fucking grapefruit cologne from Zara. And they don't even usually count citruses as a fruit! So fruit ended up not being my thing in practice, but the thought of it still haunts me. I feel like there should be a fruit for me out there. So i want to spend some time thinking abt the fruity scents that I've tried and maybe figure out where to go from here. I am about to get deeply weird once again.

So to start at the beginning - Pulp by Byredo.

Byredo is a brand with a deeply unappealing aesthetic. When I picture their bottles it is on a glass and gold tray in an influencer's white interior and that is not something I want to associate myself with. But given that the first perfume I fell in love with was one of theirs, I still pay attention to their line.

So Pulp is a very intense, tart, barely sweet fruit. The haters have often said that the fruit smell is fermented and rotten, but I perceive it to be on the other end of the sour fruit spectrum - green and underripe. It suggests maybe an inedibly hard pear. Another major feature - I keep saying "fruit" without specifying, because I struggle to discern anything particular. People will say apple, blackcurrant, citrus, fig. I do perceive the intense opening blackcurrant and maybe apple. Besides the that I get cedarwood, and i guess that woody-green-sweet effect could be a fig note. Pulp does not feel like it evolves much as it wears, but what it does is first fill the space around itself and then settle within minutes, which I think is a quality created by like carrier molecules. (I know of iso e super, which allegedly improves longevity but that would be the opposite effect i think, though i feel like it's in here as well. What i experience w Pulp feels like theres sth that increases volatility, momentarily dragging scent molecules into the air w it. Or theres just a lot of the cassis top note ingredient and much of it evaporates off quickly.)

This room-filling effect is what brings me to the haters' 2nd point that sticks in my mind: Pulp is less like a perfume for a person to wear and more of a large scale air freshener, not even for your home, but for hotel lobbies and shopping malls. And I think this is how I ended up feeling about Pulp - beautiful scent, but I don't want to wear it. There are other perfumes in this post I consider unperfumelike and don't want to wear for their industrial chemical quality, but those actually smell bad to me. I'm not generally concerned w wearability (outside of like not wearing strong or irritating things where people will be forced close to me), I don't think of perfume in terms of daytime vs evening or seasonality, but there is something about Pulp, however much I like it in theory, that makes it unwearable to me. Like whatever I'm looking to wear, be it sweet, fresh, complex, natural-produce-like, loud - Pulp is never the answer. I think what drew me in at first was it's brightnness and intensity, and how different it was from any perfume i had experienced before. I'm wearing it now and it is still impressive, mostly a powerful, mouthwatering blackcurrant; leaves, berries and wood sap. There's another strong natutalistic plant perfume I love - Vetiver Extraordinaire by Frederic Malle. I tried to articulate the vibe i get from it as "you can't fuck me, I'm a tree". Which, I love that for a cold deciduous tree trunk you can't get your arms around. To me right now Pulp also has a strong you can't fuck me aura, though I used to think of it as insanely attractive (the mouth-watering aspect, confusing different kinds of intense sensuality). But i guess being high-pitched, juicy and ultimately friendly and food-like, this is not the unfathomable remote unfuckability of nature; "you can't fuck me i'm covered in berries" is not sth i want to embody. I used to really love the idea of scent-as-art in a vacuum, but now I probably am more concerned with what a perfume can do to create me as i present myself to the world. That mostly excludes unpolishedly naturalistic plants at this point. (Btw a 20 y o coworker who is just starting to get into perfume told me that someone introduced him to Pulp and he loved it so much! It is a good entry point to unisex niche perfume - beautiful, approachable but characterful, different from most designer scents, especially as marketed to men. I'd probably still it like very much on someone else.)

Having spent 4 notes app pages on Pulp I'll be brief on the fruit shampoo types: Kirke by Tiziana Terenzi, Antigua by Phaedon, Eau de Rhubarbe by Hermes, Sirio by Mendittorosa, I wanna say Cedrat Boise by Mancera. The widely recommended fruity one by Mancera anyway. So turns out banana flavored candy isn't weird bc it's based on an extinct breed, it just uses a single flavor compound out of the bouquet found in real bananas, so the flavor comes off distorted. This is I think what people mean when they use "synthetic" as a criticism in perfume. I assume that for shampoo they mix individually made molecules, which is what causes unnatural-seeming compositions, even if the ingredients themselves aren't in any way worse by being synthetic. All the above fragrances have that screechy, fruit-scented toiletries/household chemicals vibe to me, plus Kirke and Antigua at least have some kinda sickly musk note that I don't get along with. I've also encountered it in a number of of woody-fresh cologne type scents. So these fragrances are all widely beloved (except maybe the Mendittorosa on account of being less well known), I think because of what I outlined with Pulp - they're bright and friendly but still fairly unusual. Common notes i believe are lychee or rhubarb - tart, juicy and sweet, which I guess is what most people look for in this type of fragrance. I'm just particularly sensitive to their type of dissonance. Eau de Rhubarbe i think is the most successful one of these - only inelegant, but for the most part I find them fully unpleasant.

Speaking of unpleasant, let me briefly return to Byredo. Mixed Emotions vs Amouage Jubilation XXV

So after my first unsuccessful run at Amouage with the florals I held off on trying their big iconic scent for years. The way people spoke of Jubilation it's this amazing layered masterpiece of resins, woods and fruit, meant for like distinguished gentlemen. Obviously I never felt like I could pull it off, but earlier this year I decided to have another go at Amouage as well as figure out fruit, so I finally tried it out. And yeah it's alright. I think what I'm realizing is that these niche fragrances massively popular among men are always gonna be on the safe side, but spoken of as hugely transgressive bc they smell a little bit outside of menthol shaving foam. Jubilation is soft, deep, smooth and resinous, with like an overtone of sweet-spicy toothpaste freshness I'd put down to blackberry, orange zest and tarragon. Very attractive, would not feel incongruous on any age or gender, for sure not a mature man kinda scent. I went on two week-long trips within a month in August/September and wore it throughout for like professional and leasure occasions and it never felt out of place, I never wanted for anything else. Dudes online are big mad abt alleged weak reformulations, idk abt that, however I will say it is kinda subtle and I wouldnt pay Amouage money for it.

So given that 15 years ago Amouage came out with this hugely popular cult hit, why would Byredo in 2021 make basically the same thing but worse? Black currant for blackberry and birch smoke and mate for all the woods and resins, Mixed Emotions to me is just a loud, unbalanced version of Jubilation, though idk that i've seen anyone else make the comparison. It's very northern forest, tree sap and berries, which is kind of an obvious combination and doesn't make it feel less heavy-handed. Junk by Lush feels adjacent, which is not a compliment. A recurring review phrase is cough syrup. The fruit is scratchy and cloying, overconcentrated. I kept trying to get myself to like Mixed Emotions, but given that it feels like basically a worse version of something that's just pretty nice but not worth the money, it's probably time to give up on her.

So do I hate a scratchy, cloying preserve-like fruit? Not necessarily.

Mendittorosa Rituale

I am a mark for Mendittorosa. I feel like i can still tell when they really don't work for me, but I probably exaggerate how special the ones i do like are. Anyway.

The vibe is nectar: flowers, blackcurrant, pomegranate, raspberry, honey, beeswax. Its heavy and sweet while having a rough scratchy quality (down to beeswax, patchouli and hyrax I'd guess) that can give gourmands a real kitchen-y feel. Mugler AMen has that imo, as well as El Born by Carner Barcelona, both of which suggest rustic dessert to me. Rituale is not really like them them with its big heady floral and fruit elements but that effect is the same. It's like when you have a very sweet pastry with black coffe. Rituale puts me in mind of traditional desserts that use preserves, honey and rose water in a way that doesnt get along with my modern milk chocolate sour gummy palette, so it is a little bit challenging. Going off the notes alone, I was very excited but also apprehensive about this one, I expected it to be either breathtakingly beautiful or just fully disgusting. Especially lavender can really fuck things up for me when it goes nauseating soapy-sweet potpourri. And some of that is there: i notice the lavender and the whole composition teeters on the edge of sickly, but never quite goes there. The actual flowers throughout its middle stage (rose, jasmine, narcissus, what do daffodils even smell like?) give me this high-summer orchard honey bee fantasy. Raspberry is i think the most prominent opening impression, maybe pomegranate, quickly overtaken by floral honey. That's probably the way to discuss the florals in here - not flowers but the way e.g. linden honey can smell of flowers & pollen. Beeswax is also discernible from the very beginning. As it sits and the fruit recedes it goes from nectar fantasy to complex rosewater dessert while always maintaining that little bit of low-pitched roughness you usually get with honey fragrances, just enough to keep things interesting. It's all a whole lot. The very end is a rounder mellower sweetness, feels like vanilla to my nose, but might be some combination of the woods, resins and beeswax. I wish I perceived more of the hyrax, some people complain about it being crazy animalic and i just don’t get that at all unfortunately. I love dirty animal shit :( On the other hand it already has borderline too much going on.

If Mendittorosa made small beautiful bottles Rituale would be a no-brainer to get. It is a very special combination of rich and opulent while also consisting of what to me reads as basically all food-like botanical notes. Real nectar and ambrosia vibes. Very different from those fresh effervescent unisex fruits, a very cool take on the genre imo. And like, yeah, if I'm so bored of fruits, maybe my one fruit perfume to have should be the one that's unlike any of the others. But even with this one, I'm not sure that I want to smell like this! There is again an air of botanical unfuckability about this one that makes it a little emotionally confusing. Not sure what mood I'd want it for, especially if we're talking about getting a bit expensive bottle. I think I wore it for my 29th or 30th birthday, she's festive and attention-grabbing but doesn't necessarily make me feel attractive. One idea I'm holding out for is that if I tried it from an atomizer instead of the shitty dabbing wand sample and got a more accurate idea of how it wears from the bottle, there would be more hyrax and that'd swing it into something more obviously my style. As is it may or may not be my one fruit but for sure points to some directions to continue thinking in.

Putting here so I don't forget my other fruits to discuss: Un Jardin sur le Nil, Pomegranate Noir, Wilde, Bitter Peach, Peau de Peche. And then the figs.

#perfume #long post #loooooong post lmao #cut it in half so it won't be too annoying to scroll past #and turns out i didn't have notes on any of the others anyway

[blasphemousxo]

It’s so strange to me, where I’m at now with my identity. I never had a time I thought I was straight really. Since I was 13, it was woman I wanted to be with. I lost my virginity to my best friend who I’d go onto fall in love with and we were each others first loves. And other than hiding the relationship from our parents, we were openly gay in school. Same with my high school girlfriend. Sure I swapped labels around a few times, but women were the default for me, never men.

I had the high school romance a lot of lgbt people wish they could have had. I asked my high school girlfriend out with a mix cd of her favourite songs in a custom case I made that when opened said “let’s make this official, will you be mine?” I’d go to football games to watch her perform in the marching band every Friday. We’d go to each others band/choir concerts. Her promposal was to send me on a scavenger hunt through the school where one of our friends were at significant places to our relationship in the school and they each had a rose and a riddle leading me to the next location. Eventually I ended up in the band room where she was standing with a bouquet of roses and a huge sign on the wall asking me to go to prom with her. Young lesbians that we knew looked up to me and her because we were the dream gay high school romance.

Then after high school I started experimenting with my gender identity. I was nonbinary for a long time and dabbled in being transmasc. All of this after I decided that no I do actually find men attractive so I’m bisexual. Being queer is so deep in my identity.

But in the past year, I settled my identity back on being a cis woman. I explored as much as I could and can confidently say I know my identity now. And I know I’m still bisexual. I love women, loving women has always came naturally and always will. I just happen to also like men and have been dating men since I was 20. And I’m happy with that. Will I never date a woman again? Who knows! I certainly go through periods of sapphic yearning still!

But I feel like everyone sees me now as straight. And I’ve noticed I don’t fit in as well in queer spaces anymore. I tried out an lgbt therapy group and I felt very out of place. Like I wasn’t queer enough, that I couldn’t relate to these people despite my history. And all of my coworkers (the only people I see outside of my boyfriend and family) are all straight so I’ve grown accustomed to talking to straight people and finding ways of relating to them. So much so, I feel like I’ve lost my queerness. Even my boyfriend, who never knew me when I was a lesbian, doubts that I even like woman at all. It’s so bizarre.

I have no conclusion to this, it’s just very weird for me that I don’t fit into queer spaces anymore despite my teenage romances that were very defining in my character development.

#salandria.txt #lgbtq #queer #bisexual #lesbian #just some late night thoughts

[borderline-gays-club]

12/9/23. 1:20am

I’ve been performing femininity for so long that I’m not even fully sure what that actually looks like for me.

As soon as I realized what performing a femininity that was created and catered to men, could get me attention, I slowly became to perform that more and more. I really thought I was straight until I was like 21?? Which is actually crazy cus I literally only got off to lesbian porn and I made out with a girl and it was exciting. Like lmao. Closeted me is weird to think abt.

And now I’m like realizing I’m not even bi sexual…like my attraction to men is just coming from trauma. Like there might b an inkling in me that cud b attracted to men like genuinely, but for now that doesn’t even matter cus my attraction has been based on trauma this whole time so idk. One step at a time lol .

But ya I’m really thinking abt what femininity and masculinity mean to me bc I honestly don’t really know. I know the femininity I like in other ppl but I don’t know what either really look like on me.

But one thing I’ve felt for a long long time was that being “feminine” felt like being in drag. It was a costume I put on to perform my show. And I put feminine in quotes cus there’s so many definitions of wat that cud mean, and my definition at the time was thinking of straight ppl feminine. Wat wud attract a straight older man kind of feminine.

And in terms of masculinity…I definitely feel less leaning towards it, but also a lot of ppl have described me in ways that are masculine more than feminine. And see this is tricky too bc I’m now aware that I’ve also been performing masculinity in a strange way while simultaneously performing femininity. To put it in short, I’ve been doing that pick me shit but internally.

I have a very old memory when I was like 5 years old maybe? Or 6/7 idk. But I was trying to play “tough” when I was playing with dolls with a boy. I don’t fully remember the whole thing but I think I played more action type of doll playing instead of other stuff bc it felt more boyish.

Another memory I have of when I was like 10 or so is consistently asking my parents if I’m a tomboy. Like I really wanted that.

And I do think all this weird behavior just comes from my dad wanting a boy child and in turn how he would treat me as a girl child. This is Mayb too many layers to go thru rn but I’ll start here. This internal conflict/confusion I have abt being trans and specifically non binary has really been on the back burner. But I have some mental space rn so I can at least dip my toes in.

In conclusion it is a very confusing and honestly overwhelming experience to already have foundational identity splits (racial/cultural, gender) and then have BPD to make it even more confusing lol. This is why I dissociate a lot 😂😂😂.

#actually bpd #bgc #bpd #bpd thoughts #quiet borderline #actually borderline #bpd shit #trans

[mariposakitten]

Piggybacking off of this - even before having genderfeels, I was always a little uncomfortable with womanhood because, well... so much of white womanhood, the "shared experiences" we were all supposed to bond over, revolved around fear. Specifically, fear of men.

Of men in general, yes, but especially of scary, "different" men. Men with dark skin, men with accents, men of "foreign" religions. Poor or homeless men. Dirty men. Smelly men. Mentally ill men, or men on drugs. Strangers in parking lots. Everyone walks to their car with their keys poking out through their fist, they'd say. (I never did.) Everyone feels uncomfortable when the only two people in an elevator are you and a strange man, they'd tell us. (I never was.) Was I just bad at being a woman?

In 41 years of life, I have felt genuinely unsafe because of a man a grand total of 5 times. First of all, that's a pretty good ratio of threats to years on this earth. Second of all, it's not that much higher than the times I've felt unsafe because of a woman, so, just throwing that out there.

Of those 5? All were white. 2 were frat boys at a fairly prestigious college. (One, in retrospect, meant no real harm; he was just so high he had no clue what was even going on, bless his heart. The other, however, was a drunk asshole looking to impress his drunk buddies by humiliating a random "girl" for lolz.) One was a clean-cut young military boy. One was a sad-eyed, non-threatening member of my social group, at an event that required at least a couple hundred dollars of disposable income to attend. The last was a bright-eyed and eager Christian lad who didn't understand that not taking no for an answer is just as creepy when it comes to proselytizing as when it comes to sex.

My point is, none of them were "scary, strange" men. They were clean-cut and attractive. Most of them were, if not well-off, at least comfortably solvent. Yet they were the ones who pushed my boundaries, invaded my personal space, touched me without permission, lied to and manipulated me, and didn't take no for an answer.

And this isn't to say "well, that proves you can't trust ANY man." No! Because again, those 5 guys are a drop in the bucket compared to the MANY, MANY wonderful, respectful, trustworthy guys I've known in my time, but also and more to the point, I've had plenty of opportunities to be around "scary, strange men." I've walked home alone through the "bad part of town" and met the other people out on those streets at night, I've been stranded and dependent on the kindness of strangers, I've talked to homeless guys and I've been approached in parking lots by guys so strung out on who knows what drugs* that they could barely form a coherent sentence, and I've tried to calm down mentally ill* guys having a meltdown in public, and you know what? None of those guys ever gave me a hard time or seemed interested in hurting me or being inappropriate towards me.

(*I am only guessing what was going on with those dudes; I am not a doctor and there's several possible explanations for their behavior!)

And I'm not saying my experiences are universal, gods no. I'm just saying that you can't predict who might try to harm you, and that thinking that any given man, and especially a marginalized man, is somehow more of a risk than anyone else is... kinda dumb. Because the things (white) women tend to be taught to look out for don't actually map onto where threats are likely to come from.

And maybe I'm also saying that MOST people on this earth, of any gender or race or socioeconomic status or anything else, are more likely to help a stranger than harm them. And that it's unhealthy and unproductive to live your life in fear of half of the population, and to teach other women that it's normal to do so. That it's bad for you and also bad for the people you're fearing. And maybe I'm saying that solidarity and sisterhood shouldn't revolve around "here are the people we all hate and fear," ESPECIALLY when a good chunk of those people are marginalized and vulnerable.

And maybe this isn't even my lane anymore, as I don't consider myself a woman. But I was raised a girl and socialized as a woman, and I grew up being taught (not by my parents but by society as a whole) to fear men, and especially certain types of men, and so yeah, I do think I'm allowed to point out that that was bullshit and that we shouldn't be teaching girls that.

(And maybe, just maybe, I'm seeing this resurgence of radical feminism and its whole shtick of "all men are the enemy! masculinity is evil and penises are poison!" and my stomach is just. Churning.)

#i talked a lot about mental health and socioeconomic class but make no mistake #this is also about race #no one in my childhood was crass enough to SAY 'beware of black and brown men' #(and it's harder to refute when nobody says it) #but the message was there #in the way the news was presented and in how media chose to show 'stranger danger' #it was bullshit then and it's bullshit now

[mushroomcapra]

No, I’m beautiful and that matters very little to me personally. I appreciate beauty; my life is in fact lived very deliberately with the appreciation of beauty in mind, but beauty standards, systems used to determine what folks consider to be beautiful without giving it a second thought I find disgusting and far too commonplace. A friend of mine wrote recently about living as a conventionally attractive person, and the quantifiable experience as a server of receiving better tips and treatment when decorated — what it is — with makeup. The advantages my face and body especially have granted me within society are undeniably still a presence affecting my life, but the thought of my worth being defined by how I, by chance, compare to a set of conventions makes me want to scream and makes my skin crawl.

Although I feel very comfortable in queer spaces, I am a cisgender and so far preferentially heterosexual woman, but many of even the most meaningful connections I have made with men leave me questioning whether my physical appeal is even a subconscious factor. The compliments directed at me by partners have historically very frequently left me in a state of discomfort. I dread the thought of being perceived as sexy, or hot, unless it’s for my wit and my strangeness and the way that I naturally emote and smell and grow hair, and express my feelings. That is my approach to the understanding of others; as individuals.

That is my approach to Love, Love for the individual. I love me. I hope that I am not the only one capable of loving in the way I do. It baffles me every day that either:

A) what I seek, a partner of reliable judgement, passion, comfort, kindness, and innate connection, is not commonly sought, or

B) this is indeed what is commonly sought, but several parties seeking it do so by means of deception.

How can deception lead to overall happiness in the case of either partner? This applies to friendships, too. To approach relationships in terms of personal benefit by any means necessary is a betrayal of both the prospective relation and the self. Do not desire me to conquer or possess.

[platinumtitta]

Beyond wonderland time

Among who will headline the varied bill include Alesso, Galantis, Dada Life, Armand van Helden, Seven Lions, Ferry Corsten under his revived Gouryella alias and many more. Unsure of what it is or how it got there, you toss it in the trash and step outside, ready to experience Beyond Wonderland for the first time.Insomniac Events' Beyond Wonderland SoCal has announced its 2016 lineup. As you head for the door, you slip your hand into your pocket and pull out a piece of candy. You shake your head and gather your belongings, the crazy fever dream growing more and more distant with every passing second. Memories of Wonderland flood through your mind and then disappear as quickly as they came. Sitting up, you catch a glimpse of your face in the mirror. You check your phone: dozens of missed calls and texts from your friends asking where you are. You must have dozed off while getting ready for the festival. You awake on the floor of your room, propped up against the wall. No more lights, no more music, only darkness and stillness. No longer in control of your limbs, you stumble and reach out to touch it… and everything stops. It has come alive, and reflected in its surface you can see the reality you came from. You focus on the diamond, but something about it seems different. You feel lost and disoriented, like you have no power over your actions. A strange feeling creeps through your body, and as though sleepwalking, you slowly make your way towards it. You have been there for a few minutes, or perhaps hours, when you manage to fix your gaze on a large gemstone in the shape of a diamond hanging over the stage. These tunes are delivered by the likes of Qrion, Spencer Brown, Tinlicker, Kevin Saunderson, Len Faki, and Reinier Zonneveld, and you begin to lose yourself in the crowd as you listen. More strange music comes from the stage, this time much faster than what you have heard elsewhere in Wonderland. It is completely dark aside from the lights bouncing off the walls. Was it even there before, or did it only just appear? You enter through the side into a tunnel-like room. Once you exit the Castle, you notice a structure you have not yet investigated. As more people pack themselves into the space, you move on to the next attraction. How this is even possible you are not sure, and yet the sensation is authentic. A man in a wooden cart is giving out strange-looking candies you take one from him, and are surprised to find that it tastes of childhood and something else you cannot quite place. To your left is a trading post, where people are lined up to exchange what little they have for different trinkets and baubles. Friends and strangers are gathered on the floor of a large tent hosting a tea party, while a live band provides entertainment. Sprawling before you is the Mad Bazaar, and all around there are creatures smiling and celebrating with the people of Wonderland. Behind one of the doors you can hear the sounds of music and joyous laughter, so you turn the knob and step inside. You come across a corridor lined with doors, each one a portal to yet another new world. You wander through Wonderland, almost aimlessly but not quite, as though you are being beckoned by an invisible force. By this time the sun has almost vanished and this new world has begun to shift shapes, warping in unexpected ways, brightly colored lights dancing across the landscape of this mysterious so-called Wonderland. As you approach, you see it: a large sign with “Beyond Wonderland” painted in bright letters. The sun sinks as you walk, and looking around you notice some rather unusual characters among the throng of people marching forward… foxes and mice, rabbits in checkered suits, psychedelic dogs, and peculiar men with clocks for faces, all heading to the same unseen destination. Odd-sounding music floats toward you from an unknown source, and you decide to follow it. All around you are others who look just as confused as you are, and no one seems to have any idea of how you came to be here. It is then that you realize you are in a strange, unfamiliar place. Confused, you slowly look around, taking in your surroundings. You find yourself gazing upward as the sun beats down overhead.

#Beyond wonderland time

[mainstry]

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How to Play Playtech Adventures beyond Wonderland.

BEYOND WONDERLAND TIME FREE

Adventures beyond Wonderland Free Spins.Where to Play Adventures Beyond Wonderland.Playtech: One of the Best Developers in the Online Gaming Industry.Unsure of what it is or how it got there, you toss it in the trash and step outside, ready to experience Beyond Wonderland for the first time. As you head for the door, you slip your hand into your pocket and pull out a piece of candy. You shake your head and gather your belongings, the crazy fever dream growing more and more distant with every passing second. Memories of Wonderland flood through your mind and then disappear as quickly as they came. Sitting up, you catch a glimpse of your face in the mirror. You check your phone: dozens of missed calls and texts from your friends asking where you are. You must have dozed off while getting ready for the festival. You awake on the floor of your room, propped up against the wall. No more lights, no more music, only darkness and stillness. No longer in control of your limbs, you stumble and reach out to touch it… and everything stops. It has come alive, and reflected in its surface you can see the reality you came from. You focus on the diamond, but something about it seems different. You feel lost and disoriented, like you have no power over your actions. A strange feeling creeps through your body, and as though sleepwalking, you slowly make your way towards it. You have been there for a few minutes, or perhaps hours, when you manage to fix your gaze on a large gemstone in the shape of a diamond hanging over the stage. These tunes are delivered by the likes of Qrion, Spencer Brown, Tinlicker, Kevin Saunderson, Len Faki, and Reinier Zonneveld, and you begin to lose yourself in the crowd as you listen. More strange music comes from the stage, this time much faster than what you have heard elsewhere in Wonderland. It is completely dark aside from the lights bouncing off the walls. Was it even there before, or did it only just appear? You enter through the side into a tunnel-like room. Once you exit the Castle, you notice a structure you have not yet investigated. As more people pack themselves into the space, you move on to the next attraction. How this is even possible you are not sure, and yet the sensation is authentic. A man in a wooden cart is giving out strange-looking candies you take one from him, and are surprised to find that it tastes of childhood and something else you cannot quite place. To your left is a trading post, where people are lined up to exchange what little they have for different trinkets and baubles. Friends and strangers are gathered on the floor of a large tent hosting a tea party, while a live band provides entertainment. Sprawling before you is the Mad Bazaar, and all around there are creatures smiling and celebrating with the people of Wonderland. Behind one of the doors you can hear the sounds of music and joyous laughter, so you turn the knob and step inside. You come across a corridor lined with doors, each one a portal to yet another new world. You wander through Wonderland, almost aimlessly but not quite, as though you are being beckoned by an invisible force. By this time the sun has almost vanished and this new world has begun to shift shapes, warping in unexpected ways, brightly colored lights dancing across the landscape of this mysterious so-called Wonderland. As you approach, you see it: a large sign with “Beyond Wonderland” painted in bright letters. The sun sinks as you walk, and looking around you notice some rather unusual characters among the throng of people marching forward… foxes and mice, rabbits in checkered suits, psychedelic dogs, and peculiar men with clocks for faces, all heading to the same unseen destination. Odd-sounding music floats toward you from an unknown source, and you decide to follow it. All around you are others who look just as confused as you are, and no one seems to have any idea of how you came to be here. It is then that you realize you are in a strange, unfamiliar place. Confused, you slowly look around, taking in your surroundings. You find yourself gazing upward as the sun beats down overhead.

#Beyond wonderland time

[cowboyjen68]

hey jen! good lesbian morning! im sure you've answered this question tons before so sorry if its a repeat. ive been out as a lesbian for years and years, but i still experience guilt in my attraction to women. i feel predatory and like im doing something i shouldnt be. even though im not blatantly staring or anything, it feels like im being a bad feminist or something when im attracted to a woman ill see passing by. do you have any tips on moving past this hangup? i dont want to feel bad for something i know is beautiful

Happy Thanksgiving and lesbian good morning. I never get tired of repeating or reemphasizing the shared struggles lesbians have in this world.

Just the other day I was talking to a lesbian friend about how, in high school, we purposely kept ourselves as "small" as we could and kept our eyes down partially to not be noticed but also to not be "creepy". We held guilt for "objectifying" or finding a woman attractive. It felt like we were breeching her boundaries by thinking she was physically attractive without her permission.

This feeling did not go away when I came out or even as I gained more lesbian friends. I can't be sure where this all comes from but I can hazard a guess that is a cumulation of many things we are exposed to from a young age

In western culture, and probably many, young women are warned by our older women family and friends to beware of the strange man. That strange men can be dangerous. We see men in our lives praised for dirty jokes about women, boys are encouraged to "kiss and tell". Girls, then women, see all this.

Many of us know how it feels to get unwanted attention. Or at least have friends that have experienced this. Everything from cat calls to aggressive advances or harassment in places of work, public spaces and even in our homes.

We gain empathy through these shared experiences. Basically we know how gross it feels to get unwanted attention and we do not want to be the one to cause that feeling. We feel predatory EVEN when the woman has no idea. We take on guilt because we want women to feel safe, especially around us.

You are not alone and this is so common. My older lesbian friends taught me that natural attraction is not predatory. It is beautiful. Finding women attractive is beautiful (this actually goes for men or women), it is how we handle it that makes the difference.

Taking no for an answer with grace and brevity.

Complimenting women on things they can control, clothing, haircut, accessories, things they put effort into not on things they can’t help or change. 

Read the room. If she is giving hints she is not interested (backing away) trying to end a conversation etc) take a hint and err to the side of caution by excusing yourself from her space. 

As far as attraction without her permission:  Your natural attraction and sexual orientation is just that, natural and your orientation. It is normal and healthy for you to find other women sexually attractive.  Her being unaware is okay. We are human and fantasizing, dreaming, imagining and crushing about real people in our lives is just, well, human.  It only becomes predatory when we push the boundaries of another person and let it be known that we will not respect her wishes. 

We only are creepy when we are violating her privacy, Spying, consistently breaking social boundaries like asking inappropriate question of friends or even her. “Is your friend single?” is ok. “Is your friend a lesbian?” Also okay. “Is she into (something sexual)? is not okay. Creepy is literally the act of creeping on someone instead of just communicating interest. 

I hope this helps/

#lesbian #dating #women #feeling predatory

[charlie-rulerofhell]

An interview with Måneskin: “It's not about out bodies, it's about our music”

Heyo, I'm back with another translation. This time the article is from the German Rolling Stone website who met with Måneskin after their TikTok performance at the Schwuz, Berlin, and posted the interview yesterday. Again there were some interesting questions asked (and the pictures they added to the article are quite nice, though severely lacking some Ethan content, but check it out!).

Again, I hope that no one has already gone through the effort and translated it or is currently working on a translation. Also this is an official invitation, if you stumble across any articles or video interviews in German that you would like to have translated just message me and I'll get to it! (or if you just wanna chat about Måneskin, my inbox is always open :))

Have a great day everyone!

Full article under the cut.

-----------------------------

An interview with Måneskin: “It's not about out bodies, it's about our music”

Jose-Luis Amsler

July 6, 2021

Måneskin are just what this generation has been missing. Passionate, corny, and full-on honest. In an interview with Rolling Stones, the ESC winners explain to us why they would never work in a normal job and why the hype for their appearance is sometimes going too far.

Damiano, Victoria, Thomas and Ethan are entering the nearly deserted dance hall, before they wait on stage in a red-blue spotlight. They are wearing glittering fish net tops, black tape across their nipples, leather pants, heels and make up. The camera men who are filming in portrait format (9:16) suitable for TikTok are whirling up the haze of the fog machine.

Måneskin are [in] Berlin to give a TikTok concert. A TikTok livestream of this scale has not been done often – tension is in the air. The four Italians don't know at this point that due to the stream the few people present are not allowed to clap or cheer. In complete silence and with slight uncertainty the four are crossing Neukölln's club Schwuz. A few puzzled glances are exchanged. Finally,  Måneskin are striking the first chord.

Then the rich sound of Ethan's bass drum is tearing through the silence. It's almost as if someone has flicked a switch somewhere. There it is, the rock star presence that is hovering over everything they do, with an ounce of arrogance (in the best sense of the word). Singer Damiano is dancing lasciviously on his heels, and during an especially ecstatic solo guitarist Thomas is throwing himself down on the floor in a way it can only be done by a passionate 20-year-old musician who had never had to worry about the looming doom of an artificial knee joint [for 'passionate' the interview is using the term 'besessen' which means 'possessed', and although I think it's rather supposed to describe the way Thomas is 'possessed / obsessed' with the music, thus passionate for the music, you never know if they didn't mean to say that the way he dances looks 'possessed' … I mean, they might be on to something here ;)]. Around half an hour and about 120 decibel later, Damiano says their goodbyes with an almost shy-sounding “Okay, bye.” After the performance, we do our interview in the Schwuz.

Rolling Stone: It was a little bit weird, right, when you went on stage today?

Damiano: Yeah, that was really strange (laughs). They only told us after the performance that the audience was instructed to stay silent for the stream.

Vic: But at least they weren't silent because we were shit (all laughing). We are slowly getting used to playing without a live audience. I mean we are doing this now for more than a year.

RS: What do you think about these new kinds of concerts such as the TikTok livestream today?

Damiano: Well, at the moment it is the only option to perform anyway, so it's alright. But of course you cannot compare this to a proper concert.

Thomas: But it's pretty cool that so many people can experience our concert live.

Vic: Also we're gonna start touring again soon. Right now we are arranging some festival and gigs. In December we will be touring Italy and afterwards we are planning to go on tour through Europe. But we don't have anything fixed yet, there is just a lot going on at the moment.

“A lot going on”. Quite an understatement considering the recent journey Måneskin has made through the past weeks after their ESC win. Their singles “Beggin'” and “I Wanna Be Your Slave” went through the roof (also thanks to Social Media) and are currently dominating the international charts – lately they were also number one in Germany. There is barely a radio station that isn't playing the band on heavy rotation [would love to know what stations they listen to, have never heard Måneskin played in German radio tbh :( ], and everyone opening Instagram or TikTok these days is flooded by Måneskin content. Every second a new fanpage with the name of 'maneskin_obsession' or 'damianos_slut' is springing up like a (virtual) mushroom. It sounds like a cliche, but Damiano, Vic, Thomas and Ethan became international stars over night.

“Of course it's nice to get compliments. But sometimes they definitely cross a line.” – Damiano David

RS: How has your life as a band changed since your win at the ESC in Rotterdam?

Vic: I think we don't even notice a lot of what's happening. Right after the ESC we went to a studio in the countryside where we made music the whole day long. So at first we didn't realise that so many things were happening all around us – and that we had so many new fans. We're just now beginning to learn what's going on. We were at Sony yesterday, there were so many fans waiting for us. That was crazy.

RS: A large part of the attention you are getting now is about your outer appearance, your style, your attractiveness. Is that getting a little too much sometimes?

Damiano: Of course it's nice to get compliments (laughs). But sometimes they definitely cross a line. Especially when we just talk about our music or about a social or political topic that we care about. In those moments it's just completely inappropriate to reduce us to our appearance. Sure – when I'm posting a half-naked picture of myself on Instagram I know that I will get these kind of comments. And then it's totally fine, I mean in the end I'm posting the picture to show myself. But sometimes it's not the right place for it.

RS: And also you should be allowed to wear what you want without being sexualised, right?

Vic: Yes, absolutely. We are wearing these outfits because we feel good in them, not to put the focus on our bodies. And in general it shouldn't always only be about how you dress. We are musicians – so first and foremost it should be about our music. But I think it will still be a long way until we will reach that point.

“That the boys are wearing make up does not tell you what gender they are attracted to. Those things should never be equated with each other.” – Victoria De Angelis

RS: But still you are sending a message with your style against stereotypical gender roles. I guess it's also not only coincidence that we are in the Schwuz today, which is normally a party location and safe space for the LGBTQ community.

Vic: Yes, that is all part of the positive message that we try to send. We want to give our audience the feeling that they are free. Free to wear whatever they want to wear, be how they want to be and love whom they want to love. It's unbelievable that there is still so much intolerance in our times. That has always been really important to us so we try to talk about these topics. We also believe that the narrow-mindedness of society is an educational problem. When you grow up with people all around you telling you how you should be, you will never feel completely free. The more people are talking about it, the sooner things will change.

RS: Some artists who are advocating for these topics are accused of 'queerbaiting', that they are only pretending to be a certain way to gain more support from the queer community. Have you also been faced with those allegations?

Vic: Yes, a few times. But of course we never pretended to be anything. Some people accuse of us queerbaiting because we look and act the way we do. But that's flawed thinking. We don't believe that clothes are connected to a person's sexuality. That the boys are wearing make up does not tell you what gender they are attracted to. Those two things should never be equated with each other.

RS: This courage for free self expression that you are conveying is mainly lived by our (young) generation through Instagram and the like. What is your relationship to social media?

Damiano: For me it was almost scary at first. The more we grew, the more people were trying to twist all of my words. But over time you start to understand that with more fame you also get more criticism. The happier you look the more hate you will get. It's not only like that for celebrities. If you are brave enough to show the things that make you happy there will always be people that support you, but they are also those that envy you. Of course, this should never lead anyone to not express themselves openly but that's easier said than done.

Vic: We are also trying not to spend too much time on social media. In the end we just try to be honest with our fans and to avoid negativity.

[caption under the picture of Damiano: 'Is already being compared to icons such as David Bowie']

It's actually surprising how little power a win at the ESC holds in most cases. Almost 200 million people are watching this shining spectacle every year – and still, a few months afterwards it is hard to remember who those people were that got covered in confetti during the award ceremony. It's the well-known curse of a casting show that rests on the winning bands. When just next year a new sensation will come to marvel at, how much impact does a win have then? There are exceptions of course, like Lena who is until this day, 10 years after her win in Oslo, a part of the more famous music scene of German pop music. With their charisma, their unusual sound at least for our modern standards, and their contemporary message Måneskin could become such an exception, too.

It's likely also helpful that the band already had a standing in the Italian music scene prior to their ESC participation. Their first album 'Il ballo della vita' already achieved platinum in 2018, three years prior to Sanremo and the ESC. And then there is also the long way that led the four schoolmates to this point that helped them gain the necessary persistence. Because contrary to what some people might want to believe Måneskin are not a phenomenon that has just been deliberately bred to be this way by the entertainment industry for Eurovision.

“I have worked [in a 'normal' job] for a whole month in my entire life – it didn't really end well.” – Damiano David

RS: You were all raised in Rome, the capital of the catholic church. What was it like to start as a young progressive band in such a conservative environment?

Damiano: In the beginning, when we started as buskers, no one gave a damn about us anyways (all laughing). But of course … Once we got a bit bigger there were a few people who had a problem with us. For example when we went to Sanremo, there were quite many people who thought that the way we looked and acted we shouldn't be allowed to represent Italy. They didn't even want to listen to our music first.

Vic: Especially when it comes to appearance and sexuality, Italy is a little more backward than other countries. The church probably also has an influence there. They are often quite conservative of course, so many people grew up with such a [conservative] mindset.

RS: You once said that the song 'In Nome Del Padre' is an answer to exactly those people. What does the song mean to you?

Damiano: Back in the beginning [of our career] we had to deal with a lot of problems. They didn't want to let us play in clubs because we would take too much space as a band or because they didn't like our (fashion) style or because they didn't want to pay us. Italy isn't a good place for bands. Our musical style was also criticised a lot. Many people were telling us: Don't do that [rock music], you won't get popular with that in Italy, you will never achieve anything with it. Of course those comments were hurtful but they were also a good reason for us to continue with what we did. And we turned our sadness into anger. With that song we wanted to tell those people from back then: Fuck off and look at us, we did it!

RS: Did you ever consider working in a nine-to-five job and live a 'normal' life?

Damiano: Nah, not really. For one month in my life I worked [in a 'normal' job] – it didn't end well (all laughing).

Vic: We all made music since we were kids. It's a huge part of us, that we couldn't just ignore. And the most important thing is that you do something that makes you happy. At least that's what we believe. So we started from a young age to put all our time and energy into music.

Thomas: Yeah, exactly. Ever since we were in school together we always made music. That has always been our main focus and it is until today. We play and play and play because it is the only thing that …  

Ethan: … we live for.

Damiano: Music has also something very therapeutic for us. Even when we are in a bad mood or fight with each other – yeah, that happens, too – then all of that is gone the moment we enter the stage. Maybe that's the beautiful thing about music – that it allows you to forget everything else. You're just standing on stage, having fun with your friends.

From most bands you wouldn't buy such a corny love letter to music. Mostly it just sounds like an empty phrase, a well-practiced quotable line. But when there is something that defines Måneskin and that becomes more and more evident during our conversation it's their uncompromising honesty. The four of them are definitely not lacking a sense of humour but they take their music very seriously. Which should not be taken for granted in a generation that has mainly produced sarcastic cloud rappers and has made cynical twitter comedy a national sport. And maybe Måneskin are exactly what this generation was lacking all along.

Still, the four musicians, all in the age of 20 to 22, are also prone to the constant need for self-expression, that has become an intrinsic part of today's life. This does not only reflect in the outfits of the band (always 'on fleek') and their Instagram profiles, but also in their lyrics. Their latest record 'Teatra D'Ira – Vol. 1' shows a clear theme: The album is an ode to individuality, accentuated by fast and hard sounds.

Sometimes this message fitting for a Disney movie [really? guess I have been watching the wrong Disney movies my whole life …] is wrapped in a contrasting loud and forceful packaging, but never so much that it becomes inauthentic or self-caricaturing [note: I'm honestly not entirely sure what they wanted to say with this sentence since it uses a lot of rhetorical devices that could be interpreted in different ways, but I'd say this sounds the most plausible]. And in the end, the thing that makes Måneskin so interesting is their unification of the spirit of this time – between TikTok hedonism and an omnipresent political statement – with the music of past generations.

“When you are twenty, you start to think about what the future will hold.” – Damiano David

RS: Your musical style is often described as classical 70s rock, but in fact there are many different influences in your music. Sometimes you groove almost into funk, sometimes it's more rapping than singing. How did this mixture come to be?

Thomas: It's just that we all have our own individual influences and then we meet somewhere in the middle. And we always try to stay open for experiments.

Ethan: Yes, we are very experimental in our song writing process.

Vic: We also don't want to limit ourselves to what is regarded as typical rock music. If rap fits better at some point then we just add that in. It just happens naturally without us thinking too much about it.

RS: So why was it still rock music in the end?

Vic: Because it's the style that we feel most represented by. But actually we just play the music that we enjoy playing. That's really important to us so that we can show something real on stage. We don't want to pretend to be something that we aren't or mock those people that really enjoy our music. You should always be proud of what you're doing and never fake anything just to sell more records.

RS: Is there something like an Italian rock music scene?

Vic: There are quite a lot of bands – but the most of them are much older than us or they are more going in the direction Indie rock. There isn't really a young rock scene, which we think is a pity. But ever since we got more famous people are telling us that they started listening to rock music because of us or that they bought their first guitar and such. That's incredibly nice!

RS: So you're saying that you also want to show this style of music to a younger generation. And you capture this contrast quite well in the song 'Vent'anni', which is a typical rock ballad but lyrically portrays the thoughts of today's youth. Where did the motivation come from to write that song?

Damiano: With the song I wanted to show that I'm just a normal guy, a really typical 20-year-old. I experience the same things that other people in my age are experiencing, I'm just doing another job than them. Also I wanted to describe this age as a whole because I think it's a really special age. At 20 you start to think about what the future will hold. I think it's one of the most important stages of your life. Since we (the four of us) are all in the same age, I then started to mix our experiences together. In the end the song shows what it means to us to be 20. There is a lot of good things – you are quite carefree and are looking at life enthusiastically. But on the other hand you're too young to do certain things and too old to do others. Some people are treating you like a full-grown adult, but …

Vic: … not entirely.

Damiano: Exactly. It can get pretty frustrating at times. We wanted to show our audience: Hey, we're also just 20 years old, and we're going through the same things as you. We understand you.

RS: Except that you are the ones who are becoming a world-wide phenomenon right now. How do you want to maintain this honesty?

Damiano: I think that we could just reach this point because we have always been authentic – for better or for worse. Also we are just trying to have fun with what we're doing together. That's something special that we don't want to lose. In the end we're just four friends who started to live their dream. It's actually pretty simple. Of course – we go on stage, we get a lot of attention, we give interviews – but when we come back home we're just four friends.

#måneskin #maneskin #måneskin interview #my stuff #esc #again if you ever want anything to be translated just hit me up i'm free most of the time #ig my blog is slowly turning into a måneskin fanpage for translations and shitposting #but tbh i'm not complaining #have a great day everyone and happy waiting for sooooon